#but it literally didnt matter. im just a weird kid to them now and i always was

[toxooz]

omg i literally love wheelbitten as a comic and ur art is amazing

random question but how long have u been drawing as an artist and do u have advice.............

thank uuuu and I've been drawin my ass off since I could hold a pencil and I'm 24 (25 next month) now so this shit wasn't overnight by any means lmfao idk the way i did it was have A Thing that you like drawing and just draw the fuck outa it and eventually you'll get better for sure whether it be the desire to get better at drawing said thing makes you do research and study something to become better at it or just literal muscle memory from drawing said thing so much. I had lil spouts of taking time to get better at specific things like anatomy, shading, ect. by studying it but overall i just subconsciously got better by mentally picking up new things everytime i draw and analyzing the world around me. Even recently i got to see that with drawing tactical gear (that ive never really drawn before and never wanted to draw in my life) soley bc i just REALLY fukkin love Ghost and Konig

i went from being terrified and intimidated of drawing tactical gear (even trying to put a gun in front of it as if that was any better lmfao) it used to be vague as hell and my brain would shut down just trying to look at the references(i remember having a ''shit man am i even gunna be able to draw these characters???'' moment of dread the first time i was drawing Konig pffft) to absolutely loving drawing tactical gear and seeing how much more detailed i can make it with every new drawing, so a complete 180 but that's bc im just totally obsessed with the characters and drawing is how i express that sO thats mainly what i mean by just have a thing that you love and want to draw and the rest should follow with time, patience, and practice. I think it's about training your brain and motivation to pick up on details or a certain way something looks in lighting (or lack thereof) bc my brain is probably wired a certain way after art being like a centerpiece of my development to the point to where drawing is just What I Do and at this point if i dont draw for even a few days i start getting vaguely antsy and fidgety it's crazy lmfao SO idk if this is worded like i need it to but yeah art and the act of drawing can be frustrating as hell but it should be enjoyable and rewarding above all else at the end of the day!

[prozacdyke]

Ok fun fact for all of 8th-10th grade the friend group i was in made fun of me dailyyy for not ever being in a relationship and these were people i loved so i took their words seriously and was deeply insecure about it and had that whole “im unlovable” mindset. Im past that now but i still cant even listen to people talk about being in relationships without my stomach churning. Cant wven watch anything that isnt comedy

[obscure-entity]

your shading is AMAZING specially when its conveying organic forms..... do you have any tips for people who dont know wrf going on (with shading)

ok so HI. hi. my old tutorial pisses me off so i will make a new one

i made a guy whose sole purpose is to be shaded so dont worry he likes it. and his name. his name will be mr. Boob. mr boob does not have to be blue

theres probably way better explanations of how to do it but unfortunately trying to "emulate" shading does ask you to somewhat understand ur character in a 3d way. like what would the 2d shape be if you "sliced" it? mr boob is made of so many circles. his tail also does a kind of weird perspective foreshortening thing because its pointing at you. is this being conveyed

you obviuously dont have to draw a horrendous grid on your characters skin to do this . BUT it helps you put down (or at least envision) the lines of the form shading :

dont worry about cast shadows or the shading color because this is FORM SHADOW time only. think about what surfaces of the character are obviously facing away from the light source and put down the "separation line" of the shading based on that. thr most important thing is that youre trying to separate light from dark

im going to pick the first one for cast shadows bc it will be the most obvious to me

ok so. his ears and snout are blocking other surfaces of his body from the light, which means a shadow is cast!!!! bam. i saw someone describe cast shadows as what the light's pov "can't see." his entire body is putting down a cast shadow on the ground too

im impatient so i blended the form shadows now. its usually the easiest to just NOT blend cast shadows as a way of conveying that they are still cast shadows. but you can still blend them if you want to show "distance" between the obstruction and the surface its blocking. but its just a way of saying form and cast shadows should not be treated the same even if their softness coincides

im going to lump reflection and ambient light together because theyre like. similar. reflections dont just happen in mirrors

since the sky is blue, making the ambient lighting, i tinged mr. boobs existing shadow to be a bit blue. (*this is kind of important because it can help you decide a shading color, which should USUALLY be based on the environment) (unless your character is just in the transparent void then it doesnt matter)

since the ground is pink, i made pink light bounce off of him. pointed and labelled. i dont rlly know how to go more in depth than that

contact shadows are literally shadows formed from direct-touching contact. very little light can reach in there, even from how reflections disperse, which means youre free to use the darkest color available (black). in this case mr. boob is making contact with the floor. because he is sitting on the floor.

i touched him up a bit and wow!!!!!!!!!! look at mr. boob!!! he is so beautifully sculpted.

and one more thing

thats right. i made mr boob PINK. hes fucking ruined now. just kidding i would never say that to him

what im trying to convey here (its the easiest with really light colors) is a transitional color. this can also show subsurface scattering depending on how you use it which is fun to look at. the mistake i made on my last tutorial was "Just pick a warm saturated color!" which is really wrong in examples like Blue mr boob. because it would be weird to use a warm color to transition from blue to blue.

if you have a character that isn't bright enough then obviously the shadows wont be as visible. its BEST to bring more attention to highlights and reflections to reveal the form a bit. they play the biggest role with darker colors

thats all i can think of. fun things to look up:

structuralization + contour lines + foreshortening etc. 3d lingo

form shadows

cast shadows

ambient light

contact shadows

subsurface scattering

im also just speaking out of my ass otherwise. i didnt look up any of these terms until the end now im inferring and hoping i got them right

and remember every time you shade mr boob will be rooting for you

[velvetvexations]

as an autistic trans man, sometimes I feel less safe in public presenting as a man than as a woman, because, especially in certain places, man + visibly autistic tends to be more often falsely read as "dangerous and predatory" than when people read me as a woman.

Yeah, as an autistic trans woman who doesn't pass, I feel that. <3

Honestly thank you so much for what you do on this app. I'm so glad there's people who are actually willing to stand with trans men instead of pulling the "um well I have it worse so do NOT talk about your own oppression EVER or else you're a transmisogynist!" I'm so happy I found your blog and I hope you have a great week <3

I hope you have a great week as well!

Eh a long while ago Chris Fleming made a video making fun of polyamorous people which used a lot of the same hurtful stereotypes society already perpetuates against us and I’ve not paid attention since

Noted, as someone who is also poly.

i wish the queer community didnt put so much emphasis on sexuality labels like i just want to have sex why do i need to put a word to it

very valid

about the dropout “discourse”: hot take but real life people are not representation. theyre people. real people are not queerbaiting you and real people happening to not be transfem (and I have literally seen transfems in some dropout episodes theyre just not part of the main cast) is not a lack of representation. these are real people. stop* *not you, the people being shitty about it

the complaint is not in any way coming from a genuine place tbh

hey! i just wanted to let you know how much your blog means to me as a trans guy. you and your reblogs have given me hope at trans unity, and lets me know that i-- that we-- aren't alone. so thank you for everything you do, and i greatly appreciate your support and look up to you 💛

Thank you. <3

i redownloaded etsy recently and seeing all the trans stuff saved to my favorites is so sad. i used to feel happy and proud and i wanted to be open about being transmasc. but since all the discourse got worse i just. cant bring myself to feel like it matters. it makes me feel like im trans and yet i will never matter the way other trans people do.

You do matter anon, I promise. I love you, you matter, and I'm glad you're here.

As a trans guy a lot of the self-ID'd TME transmascs weird me out so much. Like why do they all sound like "I am so strong and my power to Harm Women is immense. I could do it so much and I feel the pull to the Transmisogynist Dark Side but *unsheaths sword* I will protect them instead with my big strong testosterone arms from my fellow men" like what even is that. Who is into this.

it's so incredibly obviously bad but it reinforces some people's victim complexes so it's praxis now

a trans person will joke about their experience and a trf will jump in to assume theyre a white transmasc who has never ever faced any real difficulties for being trans

every time

Out of the many, many stupid ideas in this dumb discourse, I've finally decided the one I hate the most is that underlying implication that transmascs just aren't trans enough. It's so gross seeing people imply that we aren't really trans. Our dysphoria is minimal discomfort at most, apparently. I've seen people post about and imply that transmascs will never understand not feeling like a person or being unable to live a life pre transition and that's why we have privilege, i guess - are you kidding me? It's like our experiences are a joke to these people who are clearly so wrapped up in their online discourse bubble that they're just detached from what it's like for trans people as a whole. Sorry for the vent (would rather not post this on main and I don't have anyone to talk to) but it's just the most grating part. Also it's like. Low-key transmed shit. Thought we left that behind, c'mon.

transmeds are like ants they come back every summer

i wish TRFs had a label they proudly called themselves so i could jsut go through their tags and block them, but noooooo they HAVE to frame their transphobic bullshit as Brilliant Transfeminist Theory. like atleast radfems are fucking honest about being radfems

That's part of why I made antigonism a label for anti-TRFs to call themselves~!

[aespabangedbang]

even if its “fully consensual” in the story, she didnt consent to having you write nsfw content about her. that is sexual harassment.

what does the age people start having sex at matter?? she is again not consenting to it bring written in the first place😭😭

if we are gonna talk about human survival, is cannibalism okay because people had to resort to it in the past to survive? no, weird ass point to make. writing smut about a freshly 18 year old is not necessary for anyones survival. dpmo

what does 12 year old idols have to do with anything??? thinking about someone who just turned 18 sexually is creepy. if you cant see that then im afraid you are helpless.

just because people do things before you doesnt make it okay. and they shouldnt be doing it either.

😂 ARE YOU SERIOUS ANON? 😂

Anon making entire smut community look bad and sad, absolutely obsolete with this.

"She didn't consent you to write NSFW content about her."

In that logic I can't even write Taeyeon smut cause she didn't give me consent either! How about Hwasa who is always down bad? Even she didn't consent any of us.

NO SMUT CAN EVER BE WRITTEN BY YOUR LOGIC!

Pack your bags fellow smut lovers, writers and readers. We are done here. Smut Police Anon have raided our den.

Which idol did consent? Actually tell me which idol did regardless of their age? I agree with you age have nothing do with it. It's about legal or not.

You could make a fuss about non con or underage. But really you got no say about it now that I am going full con, 18+ idols. Though I never planned to write under 18 story anyway.

Now comes the million dollar question from me,

"No Idol ever gave you consent to read smut stories about them either. So, what are you doing here in the first place, reading smuts about them?"

Can you answer this single question oh saint or saintess anon of this community?

Were you the one who bamboozled 2 of my accounts back to back? Are you the one who is free loading free smuts and stabbing us in the back? Seriously?

Are we still talking about decency here?

Back to Eunchae, SHE IS 18+ AND I AM GONNA WRITE A FULL CON. That's it. People start having sex from 16 gives you an idea that 18 is old enough. It's not like I am shoving a sex story with those new batch of 12 years old idols. (This should be banned btw. The industry is exploiting literal kids)

Still asking for morality here? Look,

SMUT. COMMUNITY. HAVE. ZERO. MORALITY.

Lines? Sure. I am staying in the line. So sit back and enjoy when my smut drops. I got a lot of FULL CON filths coming.

+ 2 PICS OF KARINA TO CLEAR YOUR FOG

[1sickpuppyy]

WOW OK DIDNT EXPECT THE MOST INCREDIBLE EXTRAVAGANZA BUT LEAVE IT TO U TO OVERACHIEVE (in the best way possible as always)

ya know, i gotta admit, there’s so many things i’d love to know about u! like, i seem to remember that we both have a real gut rooted passion for stephen king. it would be so amazing to hear about your top 3 fave books of his, and why you chose each one!

of course i would need @sapphinity to help you out with the grooming glove on your feet while you share your answer. or, you know, i’m curious whether she’s ever used it on your neck and ears before? 🤔

HEHEHE THANK YOU I LOVE MY TOOLS :3

and YEAH i remember thats like how we started really talking!! i literally spent like 20 minutes writing out this longass thing about my picks for these and then tumblr mobile DELETED IT 😭 so im gonna summarize!!

1. THE SHINING MY BELOVED- im a careeer hotel worker who got their start in a historic haunted hotel in colorado, six hours south from the stanley hotel as a matter of fact! and im still passionnate about and working in the industry seven-ish years later! i feel like the shining really captures the magic and mysticism that hotels have as liminal spaces and (i believe) as places where the barrier is thinner. having been doing this for this long, i can tell you that you wil sometimes just See Shit or have a room that has a weird story that everybody avoids because it feels bad, thats just part of it

2. and 3. are for the same reasons!! its two of his longest, under the dome and the stand. in both of them i fell in love with the huge cast of relatable or interesting characters with realistic and varied motivations, and the fact that the stories themselves have the supernatural element as a driving force but the story is primarily character driven! LOVE that shit give me a whole town of people to fall in love with and give each of them at least five chapters and im NOT kidding. ALSO THE VILLIANS!!!!!! james rennie is one of my fav villians of any media fr i just love that in a town thats being held hostage by unspeakable horrors beyond our comprehension the true evil is a southern baptist!!!!and, are you listening, lean in close now........ i would let randall flagg crucify me. i would let him drain my sanity and send me to wander in the desert. i would even follow his sobriety rule. just one chance sir please i have so many kinky ideas for your freaky psychic powers pleasepleasepleaseplease

ALSO I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY BUT THAT LAST PART??? NO I DO NOT THINK SHE NEEDS TO DO THAT AT ALL I WOULD BE UNABLE TO THINK IF THEY WERE ON MY FEET 😵‍💫 and neither of us have even considered using it on the neck!! now im TERRIFIED, thank you!!! i am going to get her to do it as soon as possible

[bulbabutt]

ok. elephant in the room or shit i thought about a while ago but didnt post, my going theory on the rise cancellation which idk if its a theory more-so as reading the room and putting the pieces together.

it seems like playmates fault to me on account of the toys being shit and then cancelled outright. like waves of toys ready to go in 2019, none saw the light of day.

obvs a lot of them were shit, not the point. the point being theres up to 6 waves of toys on the table at 2019 toy fair, only 1 and 2 were made. compare to the last toyfair showing the mutant mayhem toys.

playmates made both of these era of toys. do you see how much more effort went into one than the other. you can say movies are more popular blah blah blah. but playmates has made ALL tmnt toys since they ever existed, and comparing the rise toys to even the previous shows toys it seems obvious where they put the money.

anyway my theory here is playmates got told (or given or offered or whatever) mutant mayhem. they immediately went. oh. yeah this will make us money. lets start prepping moulds for this now, lets get ready to sell a shit ton of different stuff. and they just left all those rise things on the cutting room floor. they didnt tell anyone on the team they were gonna do that. they didnt say "yeah it doesnt matter what you do cuz we have this NEW thing coming" they just abandoned it. they pretended theyd give it a chance to come back if their movie went well just to appease them and us, cuz they saw more money elsewhere.

the dumb shit about that is like imagine saying that about like. batman or the avengers or something. yeah we wont make this cartoon anymore cuz we have a theatrical movie coming in 3 years. like. you can have more than one iteration YOU DID IT WITH 12.

truly this is nothing against mutant mayhem by all accounts it looks amazing, my point here is that im sick of playmates fucking over each tv show with their stupid hunks of plastic. it has in fact happened each time, rise was just faster

87 was good, then there were the 90s movies that got popular enough that the show needed to be closer in style to.

03 was good, then it got dark, told to be more fun (cuz kids like ben 10 now) so they made fast forward, which was also good but in its own way, but then tmnt 2007 came out and playmates literally said "nope nope, we want to save on moulds so change your show to look like this movie" then 07 didnt go well cuz warner bros didnt fucking market it (what i heard from a podcast w nolan north was that they were super preoccupied marketing the shit out of 300 at the time. which. ok very weird choice for kids toys)

then we have 2012 after nick buys the franchise. and 12 has the weird tonal dissonance of dark stuff and kid stuff, with the most "designed to be toys" characters in it, clearly messing w things in the show itself while it was going.

then bayverse comes out along side it and once its over we get rise, where the designs clearly take inspiration from that movie (donnie and raph specifically)

then mutant mayhem is announced and rise just. fades out of existence. planned seasons cut and cancelled. planned toys disappear.

anyway. none of those shows are bad. none of the movies that come out along side them are bad. its just the dumbassery of like. not being allowed more than one iteration at a time, and its nOT on account of popularity or brand synchronizing like youd think, its literally to not have to make as many DIFFERENT SHAPED hunks of plastic! its fucking stupid. rise's downfall seems to be POOR FUCKING PLANNING on playmates part for THEIR shitty toys and then also being cheap/unwilling to have TWO DIFFERENT KINDS OF TOYS AT ONCE (proof being the 03/07 thing)

anyway. thats my theory or whatever that fills me with rage. i hate playmates and i think its insane that the downfall of rise literally comes down to two stupid companies and their desire to sell garbage to children.

[piratefishmama]

IM OBSESSED WITH THE NEST FICLET. Im literally screaming. I READ it in one go and I can't wait for another chapter. It's so good!!! I love that eddie's the omega and steve's the alpha. <3 and the idea is so sweet! I wonder how they will handle their feelings during Eddie's heat. 😋😋😋<3

I HAVE MY SOLID REASONS FOR MY OMEGA/ALPHA HEADCANONS, and tbh they're flexible depending on how i feel on the day.

but

Eddie should be an omega in my OWN opinion because:

and nobody has to agree.

He voluntarily has this whole little pack of people younger than him, his own lil pups, adopted cause he's not gotten laid (YET, he stands firm on it being YET, it'll happen he's sure of it, someday) but he has pups so he's content.

His room is a cluttered chaotic mess of things. Are they all his things? maybe, maybe not, that room could easily be messy because he's keeping things within reach so he can easily make a nest out of all that stuff when the need strikes.

He saw two scared freshmen and decided "imma adopt them" and then did. He's more in touch with how people are feeling, and able to comfort them without being too overbearing or pushy, emotions may be tricky but he's really good at the soft ones that make people feel comforted when they're upset, he's good at being silly to make people laugh. He's soft.

He's touchy, and struggles with keeping to personal space. He bundles up in layers upon layers for comfort rather than preening and dressing solely to look good.

While he's loud, and expressive, he's also very quick to hide in a corner when shit gets real scary, pls someone protecc him.

Steve should be an alpha in my own opinion because:

He has followers. People who crowd around him just to bask in his popularity. Not people he adopted, just people who want to be him, want to be like him. King Steve. He has natural charisma. He's a presence that stands out.

He's a tank of a human being. He takes hit after hit after hit that should definitely take a person out but he just keeps coming back.

He's a caretaker in bed, protective, and comforting, mf held Nancy's hand good lord, yet he's still in charge, he's on top.

His pack adopted him, yet they still look to him as the protector, he wasnt adopted like a beta without a pack, he is an alpha, they didnt have an alpha, he's now their alpha.

He makes sure he looks good, his hair is always on point, his skin looks good, his body is always in good shape (soft but the type of softeness hiding those muscles that make you bite your own fist), he's trying to impress people, omega's dont need to impress, they need to be the ones impressed.

He doesnt seem to need a lot of material possessions, doesnt have enough clutter or personal belongings to make a nest, and he doesnt seem to put much thought into keeping other peoples belongings either.

Like i know we like to HC that the vest is in Steve's closet, but if it was left upto Steve, it's absolutely been left either in that RV, or in a random corner in The Warzone. One of the kids might have grabbed it after he left it, but if Steve was on his own? It's gone.

-----------------------

there's a lot of ambigious traits too that could be placed in both the Alpha or the omega column, but the majority of actual canon behaviours rather than the fanon people shove on these boys (Mr 'Oi Shitheads!' Steve yelling at the kids for bad language? Or Mr 'imma hide in this boat and scamper like a weird lil wet cat away from my problems' Eddie being big and domineering? C'mon man)

they paint a fun little picture.

like i said, these are MY own headcanons, my own interpretations, y'all dont have to agree with any of it. That's the beauty of omegaverse,

The canon is made up and the rules dont matter.

[squeiky]

Go tired of seeing "old hedgehog" designs of sonic and shadow with them just having greyed out quills and decided to do something about it

So yeah qpr sonadow (yeah shadow is 50+ fucking finally. Im considering giving him a cane. An asthetic or an actual one idk. Maybe both?)

Sonic grew his quills out (wanted a kind of longhair rockstar kinda hair thing idk if i achiebed i though. Also still unsure on what he'd wear so i just slapped on his sa2 beach costume and added sandals (and possibly socks).

(Oh and there a scar from the Mephiles blast on his stomach- as well as top surgery scars because of course he had top surgery its sonic)

(Oh and also the "old lady swagger" sonic is just him crossdessing/going lady mode because he always rocks the look )

Shadow styled/shortend his quills and i put him in a nice black collared sweater. He wears glasses because my guy has eye problems

(Btw. Im horrible at telling ppls ages so if they dont feel old then idk what to tell you guys i have no idea what aging is at this point)

Then, instead of simply making old yaoi i ended up getting obbessed (and happy) and started making everyone old

So next up was amy and Blaze. (Silver is here too)

I think theyre a little bit on the younger side of the old yaoi? I did consider the fact that some people age differently (some look older whilst others look younger) so Amy and Silver got the more "youthful-ish" complexion whilst Blaze and Espio got the more older one.

Thoughhh im still working on their design. I can always make older old lady Amy (now that i think about it i should 100% make Amy a granny looking buff woman because i feel like thats beautiful)

Either way amy and Blaze kept their uh.. "hair" short. Amy still wears supergirly clothes and Blaze wears more masculine type clothes nothing else.

Next is espilver

You cant sue me for making Silver a short king menace to society.

Not really much on design so far other than Silver is way more plump (pearshaped) now because life got better, and Espio is taller because what is he if not a tree?

Ask them how they met? It was at bowling. Why bowling? Its because thats less weird then "was investigating the multiple crimes husbando commited and ended up getting said yet-to-be husbando arrested, but after he got out we totally fucked"

Yeah

Oh, and because i couldnt choose, Espio is trans AND intersex! Yeah!

Also Amy is silvers ex (Silver has like.. 2 exes... Possibly more?)

And then theres everyone else who arent a "ship" persay:

So i call this the moreso young adult group with Tails, Charmy, Ray and Cream.

Tails (in college) and Charmy (not in college) obviously hang out and play videogames.

Cream, because when she was little she didnt get invited to fight deadlt monsters, grew up, and decided shes going to fight deadlt monsters. So i tried to make her a cool suit but idk.. it needs reworking cause the whole "secret agent" vibe works! But not the way i like.

Rouge is forever foxynand will continue to be the most attractive woman on planet earth no matter what age. Shes also still a meance to socitey and we will forever love the jewel thief (old) woman.

Knuckles doesnt cut his quills so those shits are LONG hes also old as well but idk what he'd wear

And yes Metal (also Chaos) is here too. Metal is a bit rusty (literally) but overall well kept and fancy. I think eggman would be dead by now, so i gave it a crown on its ears to symbolize how it took over i guess.

OKAY SHIPKIDS:

Blaze x Amy ( bio kid): Flare (was thinking "Spark" because of the love idea but idk yet)

Espio x Silver (bio-kid): Greybell

And then heres the fun part:

So Sonic and Shadow dont function like the others here, in that- while saving the world and whatnot, every so often they'd either find a kid following them (similarly to Amy and Tails back in the days) or save a kid during their whole adventure.

The first time this happened was just Luca (a black jaguar) who followed Sonic during one his little solo adventures and Sonic was like "do you have parents i can take u back too" and she was like "nah" so of course, after seriously looking for her parents through ppl with database accesses like tails and rouge, he was like "u wanna stay with me?" And Luca was like "YEAH!"

And then Sonic called Shadow like "Shadow do u want kids" and which he replied "what?" And then suddenly they adopted Luca. This is how it began.

Eventually, as one grew up, theyd find another, and then another and then well now they have like 11 kids in total.

Now, after ALL of this, they took a break and after that years worth of a break were like "wanna make a kid? Like for the challenge of having to that from scratch"

And sonic was like "what?"

So they hit up the labs and made a bio kid who is 2 months old and is the most hectic fucking thing theyve ever had to deal with so thanks for the prior 10 experinces (alas they do not compare to the mega menace)

[overwhelming-clean-feeling]

auhh idk long post nothing serious tho

i feel like shitttt today i think my periods going to start. could barely drag myself out of bed to do anything and then i snapped at 💀 over something pointless and i shouldnt have reacted at all to it and my legs hurt super bad my stomachs not happy my head hurts. I took a pain med finally i hate having to do that. and my brain has been struggling i wish i could contextualize whats going on up there easier for myself its so scary and shitty being annoyingly self aware but having zero control and i usually cant understand myself in the moment which is a last couple of years development so it. stresses me out. i used to be able to understand myself so well even if it took time i got there but i have been detached for so long it doesnt matter how hard i try now. ive always felt like i was piloting a clumsy robot who struggled with pretending to be human and now i feel like that pilot is watching the auto pilot struggle to make up for the lack of a human helping run the place.

my current system set up is real weird as a result. no one feels like they are the person controlling it because no one is, really. theres no driver on that wheel and we are all kind of this bizarre family thats also melded together and all just the body at the end of the day, theres no real identities that dont just feel like past versions whispering to the body what to do. its very atypical to what any of my previous experiences have been like, singlet or multiple. its kind of nice it feels like. yeah theres multiple people in there but also not really, theres no reason to fight about whos who or what we should be, just a want for the body to get better and get through a bad life to get to a good one yknow? that probably also comes from having experienced the infighting and lack of identity and even amnesia symptoms to merging a system completely and living as a singlet for literal years like. Almost 10. my first split i was in elementary so i guess no matter how hard i try to fight it it wont go away. Even if im embarrased of this split and trying to learn to live with this again its nice it feels much less angry and self destructive. i dont really enjoy punishing myself for existing in general. after what happened especially not, it made me almost completely snap out of any need to self destruct or act impulsively and actively hurt myself. ofc im still very very suicidal but i would want it quick and painless now.

like honestly. using colors and characters and ideas have helped identify whats going on more than anything. more like an abstract concept than a realized person but still uniquely different and individual. it feels dumb calling everyone a color but it feels right too.

like people i have been came together when it was needed. different but similar

periwinkle reminds me of. who i was before my symptoms got worse and i no longer felt like that person was present at all, me as a kid. and yellow is similar to the first split but also very distinctly not, like that alter grew up to be that in a way while still. Feeling much younger than everyone else. time changed them just didnt age them. green is who i was after periwinkle and purple is similar to a split then but this time they wont be apart and sometimes arent two people at all but i dont think they could survive alone so thats okay. its like green has purple helping pilot them, instead of them piloting the body together. being the same person but kind of like the worst codependent relationship you know at the same time lol. gray and pink are both very similar to old cohosts while pink also feels similar to who ive been in my 20s who has been alone for so long. and they also feel like who people think i am. they are very opposite but work together all of the time. gray like the "male" autism masculine flat effect gray walls gray life stereotype movie ocd and pink is feminine manic pixie dream girl maternal loving doormat therapist. and green is who i am when they get to know me and stop liking me and me when i was a teenage boy. and purple is who i keep seeking in others but is also like this big weight on my back that has to be carried around everywhere like a safety blanket.

its really easy to see myself as one person still anyway since. periwinkle never fronts, its almost always some combination of pink/gray/gruple and the dissociating Fog on the fucking headspace goes crazy some days its easier to identify whos not fronting then others. and yellow sometimes hops in but is able to keep up with the, "adults" i guess and is really easy to identify tbh. like whatever "me" was at any point. Thats just pink, green, and gray now. thats just me. usually in that order. i do act and feel different and have different levels of mental distress and dissociation but its just who wants to clock in that day i guess and lets hope and pray i can identify whats happening because green fronting means im like why do i want to kms so bad lmao why am i so annoying and extra out of it and pink can be similar but is usually running the show and much mlre trustworthy. and gray helps with the hard shit but also loves to be either be nonverbal or not shut the fuck up. gray and green worst combo the body is now fucking stunlocked great job guys

also i can identify pronoun wants but im keeping with the i/we/they sorry. like idk in general she/he works best and it wouldnt stray from that so whats the point. i still like it/its but mostly by people who. Get it. and they/them is still misgendering if im not doing it like im sorry to You im one person im some guy im some girl idc but i am one person and you will never get to specifically talk to an alter thats not how the show is running. it/its like how old guys call all animals "its" like im a fox in your yard a dog you just met etc etc

[fipindustries]

my experiences with transphobia.

this will probably make me look a bit unlikeable because its going to ammount to "not that many tbh i was insanely priviledged", i am very well aware of the struggle that my community goes through every day all over the world, specially in the last few years where republicans and terfs and conservatives in general have seemed to drive themselves into mouth foaming frenzy out of disgust, and where intra community fighting seems to get more bitter every day.

but i do want to share my experience all the same and hopefully this will help give some hope in the current bleak state of affairs that not everything about being trans is constant suffering all the time.

winding back the clock all the way to me being a kid, i was very much bullied, from kindergarden to high school. my experience in the education system was twelve solid years of being called names, being pushed around, being ostracised, being made fun of and being excluded. i had people trick me into accepting food the offered and then telling me they had spit on it before (my response to that was to keep eating it all the same and made sure to enjoy it in front of them). ive had people beat the shit out of me, and i had people point at me on the hallways and laugh every time i would walk across them.

none of this was over any gender stuff, mind you, but because i was just "the weird kid" i was very openly nerdy and neurodivergent, i had been raised by cartoon shows and i would insist on behaving as a cartoon character irl. also because i was not very social, i was awkward and because i tended to keep to myself.

besides that i lived in a small town with no nerdy scene at all, my family (especially on my dad's side) just plain didnt get me. noone seemed to share or understand my hobbies and my dad would constantly critcize me for the way i behaved, the way i dressed, the way i talked, etc.

out of all this my response was to say "no, its the children who are wrong". i resolved from a very young age to just be myself and if that made me an outsider and a weirdo and an outcast then whatever. if some came to make fun of me or criticise me for just being me then they were in the wrong and their opinion was automatically discarded. i was not going to compromise myself for the sake of others. i never really developed a sense of shame over being who i was.

this of course was in part a bit of a trauma response which ended up with me having the maladaptive trait of being too self centered and too inconsiderate of other people's needs, i had a really bad tendency to see any criticism, no matter how valid, as an attack to be ignored, to this day i still have trouble measuring myself and noticing when im hurting others, i still have a hard time prioritizing other people's needs over my own.

but, tragicomically enough, this attitude proved to be actually rather useful for when i transitioned. i am more or less impervious to weird comments or outsiders eyes. as soon as i came out of the closet i was going out in full drag like, literally three days after. i was walking outside, going to the corner store, doing groceries, running errands and stuff ouside in the street with fake boobs and my face caked in make up i still didnt fully know how to properly apply. i had a bunch of kids yell faggot at me and my only thought was that those little shits should get taught some manners.

it also helped me brush off really unpleasant comments from a close friend with regards to my transition, like her saying she was sure i was going to end up detransitioning or that everyone thought i looked like a fake caricature of a woman. my first reaction to those comments was "she is just saying that to hurt me, opinion automatically discarded". it helped me stand uo to my dad who outright refused to call me by my pronouns or treat me like a girl so i just immediatly stopped talking to him or visisting him until he changed his mind. it took a year but he eventually did and now things are great between us.

but that is only half of the story. im telling you all this because it sounds cool and because im genuenly proud of it but the truth is also that, i just didnt have to put up with a lot of hardship in my life in general, i grew up in a nice house with a loving caring mo and step dad, i went to college, i lived a lower middle class lifestyle generally. once i got out of high school i managed to get some actual friends. and i live in a more or less stable country.

all of my friends and immediate family were instantly cool about my transition. my uncles, my grandma, my cousins, my mom, my sister, my step dad. i was immediatly accepted with an "ok, cool, you are mandy now". all of my friends immediatly accepted me with open arms as well. if there were ever any weird social games about "being excluded from girl spaces" or people treating me different or whatever im probably too socially oblivious to notice them.

on top of that i live in a genuenly very trans friendly country, in a seemingly trans friendly city. so generally goberment institutions, health care institutions, private bussineses, the companies i worked for, they all went out of their way to use my prefered pronouns and name, even before i changed my documentation to reflect this.

i dont think i ever was scared to come out of my house or walk down the streets of my city, even at night. and let me tell you, there are times where the sun hits the wrong way or i forgot to shave or all my clothes were dirty and i had to essentially boy mode, and none of that deterred me from going outside and doing my bussines without even sparing a second thought to what strangers on the street might think. other people on the street are just non-entities for me, they might as well be painted on the walls, i just cannot bring my self to care about what they might think.

i keep thinking back to that scc article about people living in different circles that seem to either automatically insulate them from or automatically draw them to abuse from others.

people are generally nice and normal and reasonable around me and i dont know if this is because i have an "anti-transphobia" field or i am just incredibly innatentive, where its happening all the time and i just dont notice it, but it has certainly made my life easier.

[bird-of-eternia]

The Journey

Alright, so i spoke of this a little bit in other posts but i'll do a quick (hah!) run through of the journey this far.

**This baby is gonna be long, strap in**

I grew up in the church. My parents started off Pentecostal I believe. i remember people in church speaking in tongues and raising their hands up high. I remember the pastor putting his hands on people and them falling to their knees in passion of God. We went every single Sunday.

As time went by the old pastor passed away and my parents started saying how it wasnt the same. They went less and less talking about how we didnt have the gas or they didnt have any clean church clothes. So as I got older they sorta stopped going to church but held on to that faith hardcore.

They tried out some other ones and even tried our first church after it was upgraded (with a cafe any everything). The music was better apparently and we stayed for awhile but it didnt last.

I always felt like this was the only way. You loved God and went to heaven or you just went to hell. I was constantly anxious that my every move was a sin. My mother once told me "If you think its a sin, it is." you know that saying that goes something like -For your parents its just another Tuesday but for you it was formative-

yeaaaaah

so i was scared of literally everything i thought MIGHT be a sin.

I love my parents and they did the best they knew how but my dad was an alcoholic and my mom struggled with depression. We also were not well off so their was alot of lying. "Dont tell your dad i didnt pay X" or "Dont tell your mom im drinking." and obviously tons of swearing and low key racism and high key homophobia from other relatives. I thought these things were bad=sin but my family loved god and read their bibles and prayed over every meal and before bed so we were okay, right?

Well as i got older being bisexual was a trend (as my mother said) that kids in my highschool were trying out. "Your not a lesbian right?!" Because i didnt want to date my best guy friend. I thought it was kinda scary and kinda gross to be gay but like...they were not necessarily hurting anyone so like...what does it matter?

High school was me trying to mix my belief of the golden rule and kindness with the rhetoric my parents and Christianity were feeding me.

I cried myself to sleep countless nights asking God to please please please let me fall in love first. Let me leave home and have a life before the end came and we all went home to heaven. I didnt realize it at the time but i didnt want to go to heaven. I was terrified of hell but i wanted to live HERE on EARTH and experience life. I didnt want to die. I wrote songs about god so my parents would be proud of me. I tried reading the bible and writing notes in a notebook.

I thought i had a couple divine events in my life. I was weeping and crying before bed (regular routine) and i thought god had sent me a message through the band The Fray as they sang Never say Never. I thought "Okay, i wont let God go. Ill keep trying Lord, i love you, please help me."

Then my cousin had a cancer scare and i literally cleaned out a little space on my closet floor. I put some sort of small wooden table on the floor. Then on top placed my bible, a candle, my bible notebook, and various bits and bobs. I sat down with my lights off and candle lit and prayed. I prayed so hard that i believe this is the very first time i put myself into a meditative/trance state. I was rocking back and forth asking god to save my cousin.

Turns out he didnt have cancer.

Turns out my parents found out what i had done.

Turns out now my gma has lung cancer and wants me to pray for her now.

HEY, HI, THATS ALOT OF WEIRD PRESSURE FOR A LITTLE KID WHOSE QUESTIONING THEIR FAITH?!?!?

so anyway, thanks grandma R.I.P

Turns out praying doesnt always work.

I felt a strange guilt because maybe if i had prayed harder god wouldnt have let grandma die.

I go through the rest of High school in a funk. deeply depressed, moving from house to house. we end up just living in my grandparents old house. I'm truant in school, hardly show up. I begin an alternative school and love it. Through this period i don't think about religion much at all during the day. But i do still cry at night begging for God to wait because my parents and extended family say we are living in end times and itll happen soon.

my best guy friend comes out as gay.

I love him.

my mom says "I love him, you know i do. But hes still going to hell."

I get so scared about not getting into a college that even though i applied to a community college that lets in anybody i get severe neck and shoulder pain from stress. Maybe they'll reject me for some reason? (Looking back i know this was because i was desperate to leave the house. I wanted out so badly. I felt like I didn't fit anymore for some reason. Why was my family making me uncomfortable?)

I get in. in the fall of 2014 I go to my sisters every morning at like 4am so my brother in law can drop me off at school on his way to work.

I meet new people. My sister convinces me to be brave and join a club. I attend anime club ( i know i know....save the comments. I know how it sounds.)

I have a small group of new friends, and a boyfriend (now husband).

I spend every day , all day- from 4am until 6-9pm on campus. I start spending weekends at my boyfriends house. I get a job at school. I get a car.

I start forming my OWN thoughts and feelings about the world.

I meet someone and they make me nervous. They say theyre pagan. That genuinely scared me.

I move in with my boyfriend to be closer to school.

I feel....lighter.

I feel more like myself?

My boyfriend lets me talk about my feelings surrounding religion. He says he loves me no matter if I'm christian or not. He'll go to church with me or he'll support whatever else i choose. I cry.

I've never had the choice before.

We talk about beliefs often.

I make amazing friends who are not christian. who are trans. who are gay. who are atheist, pagan, agnostic.

I begin getting upset when my parents talk about God. "Dont ride his coat tails to hell."- my father talking about my boyfriend. He believes in God but does not agree with the values. He says his father is one of the best people he knows, a man who fought for the people of his country and got kicked out so they had to immigrate to america. If that man, a man who cares so much and fights for people, is going to hell just because he doesnt believe in god....no thanks.

I think about this.

I love my boyfriend with every fiber of my being. I love my friends. They are GOOD people. They try every day to be better and do better.

They're going to hell? but the people who keep pushing hate are going to heaven because they like God?

I'm confused and angry. Maybe i just need to find the right church. a more liberal church. i just believe differently but im still christian.

am i?

I find Aurora Aksnes.

I listen to her music constantly.

I start feeling like maybe there is more out there.

Tarot interests me.

Nature interests me.

symbols and runes interest me.

Could I be a christian witch?

i cry and cry.

am i losing my faith?

I think i like woman.

I think im pansexual.

i cry and cry and cry.

months go by and finally i figure out that...no i'm not christian anymore.

(2016-2017)

but what am i then? what god do i worship now?

I spent so long trying to find a new god to turn my attention to. I begin with Cernunnos and a little bit of Brigid.

i get really into norse stuff.

then i look into irish folkcraft.

then i go back to brigid.

then i decide, if it happens itll happen. i'll just hang with the Earth for now.

Then there were a few years where i went back to brigid and the horned one once in awhile. I took a break for a long time, only dipping my toe back in when the feeling is too much. When the wind blows just right and i just need to light a fucking candle or something lol.

Took some Druidry classes in a phase where i thought maybe that was my path.

Then i landed here. (2024)

I read The Crooked Path by Kelden and felt....inspired.

And so now I'm trying to walk the crooked path in my own time. So much has happened since i started down the witchcraft trail...

i have kids now, i have a full time job, im looking for a house, i need a new car. im having thoughts about my own gender.

So i will walk this crooked path in time. i will walk it and sit down for breaks if i need to. I will listen to the trees and find symbols in their branches. I will be okay.

[darknoverse]

🎫 here's a gush pass ^^ feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other self shippers (optional) !

a- whole gush pass? all for little ol' me?????

*grabs papers*

ok soooooo a whole essay about NOS4a2 and why he matters to me sm as a f/o ever

k so, starting off.

what makes him special design wise?

first of all, his whole design is sharp and edgy(literally.lotta edges). each end is pointy and sharp . lotta triangles used in his design. but despite that there's something interesting about how he has a cape (something usually made out of soft fabrics) as a cover, but even so the sharpness REMAINS. something else is how he has like two different eyes, which one of them is a monocle which is slay idk lol. also something else is how he's not like- he doesnt look strong physically at first sight even tho he's trully capable of being so . also fangs; LITERAL energy vampire, it's so cool as a concept.

ok personality wise:

most of the times he's on scene, it's always this very classic "muahahaha evil" kinda deal, he's silly af. geniunely enjoying it . he keeps on making stupid unfunny jokes all the time and he laughs at his own stupid jokes lol. idk i think it's cute and sillly waaaaaaaaaaaaa

BUT! he's capabe of being TRULY TERRIFYING (like half the robotic gore in BLOSC is caused by him lol, also his plan in ROTM was dark af)

it's even more interesting cuz his motivations are simply, yes being in charge as a SECOND need. the FIRST need is mainly to feed on robots. SENTIENT ROBOTS. LIKE HE D O E S WANT TO FEEL THE THRILL OF THE KILL. HE COULD JUST DRAIN from lifeless machines, but he'd rather HUNT and play with his food, if you will.

it's just very interesting.

now, SPECIFICALLY WHY do I like Nos and why is he so important to me?

so in general i was/still am a villain apologist ok? i always loved villains, no matter how evil they were. it sortz felt really comforting. but something about Nos specifically felt very special . possibly the fact that the first episode i watched in general was Revenge of the monsters (aka the climax of his character in everyway) .so basically my first impression was based on seeing him in his best if u know what i mean . like if it was any other episode things would've gone differently but that's not the case as you see. like ROTM is like this whole bigger climax yk? say, if it was another episode there's a high chance zurg could've been my fav character but boy he literally ran like a coward in ROTM so i just didnt care much cuz he wasnt in the ep as much as NOS.

like yea in an alternate reality it could've been Zurg but NUH UH . Nos it is.

also the fact that ROTM is like, as i said, sorta sums up his whole character in a great way . so when I watch that episode i IMMEDIATLY got attached especially when my introduction to the series is this. both his ultimate downfall and like .. the top of his character arc . like, INSTANT attachement.

another thing to note is how like … the whole episodes sorta focused on his turning every Z to an N .

ok here i might start explaining things a bit too personally here but ok it's an essay . ok so the circumstances of me watching the show for the first time were…something.

see i didn't have much friends back then as a kid. even the ones i had were pretty much SO different and can't understand me cuz im that shy, weird kid who goes on info dumping about my interests it might get annoying. but nobody understood those interests except ONE friend. whom just left and idk where he is till now. another thing to add, being the weird kid sorta let people exclude me and/or bully me soooo yeah .

so my putting that into prespective with the whole Ns all over the place thing in that specific episode sort of.. made me relate ya know? feel like it's specifically an episode for me . there was something nice and comforting about it.

the fact that it's the first letter of my name (which at the time was a big deal cuz all my favs didnt specifically put that fact into like, part of the story like Nos if u get me.) like, something about a villain i KNOW has the first same letter in their name as me, being all goofy yet menacing, also a vampire of sort -i am obsessed since day one idk) just felt right.

last part of this might sound silly or stupid but like . another reason WHY i felt this connection to Nos specifically till now :

people i know irl did NOT know what blosc was.

even the few who knew, don't remember it or specifically know who Nos was when i asked them.

so it's like "damn. all this epic character being so obscure and unknown despite everything they did?…sounds like me "

so until i went online and find more blosc mutuals (and till i went to Uni where people know it somewhat and still take show suggestions seriously from me) it just felt like this one character was specificaly made for me . like, this one character nobody knows except me . cuz i'm just as unknown and as unnoticed irl .

conclusion:

and to this day that still stands . Nos is still one of the turning points in my life in general. be it in art , in social life , or in general anyways. still my favourite fictional character of all time . my Top 1 fav and my main comfort character along Antasma and Zira for similar reasons.

thank you for coming to my cringe talk btw and reading all this lol.

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[ssparksflyy]

jason grace dating hcs ִֶָ ࣪ ִֶָ♱་༘࿐

pairing jason grace x child of mors hcs warning slight mentions of death i guess but thats kind of a given an based off this request !! hope u enjoy

nothing has ever quite been able to top the wave emotions that hit jason when he saw you for the first time

some call it love at first sight i call it love at first sight

like just imagine little jason stopping mid tracks eyes wide and jaw open

you thought it was weird

cause it’s your first day at this random camp, you just found out(and are still processing) that your dad is a roman god ???

as if that wasnt weird enough now theres this tiny white boy staring right at you

so of course you hit em with that "whatcha lookin at punk 🤬🤬🤬" cause your so #hardcore #punk #rock #rebel

no im kidding you just give him a nasty ass look and hes runs away

very short interaction but its one he wont forget

i wanna say youre like eight when you get to camp just for lore reasons

it actually takes a hot second for you to get claimed, im talking like two maybe three years

yeah your dads not the best

but as soon as you do, all your friends DITCH YOU ??

except for

youll never guess who

jason !!

in the time where you were unclaimed, you and jason slowly got close but with him now being one of the only people you hung out with, you got even closer

somewhere along the way, reyna joined your little group and you instantly got close with her as well

(shes out here collecting her creepy kids)

you didnt really have a movie-like friendship with her, but you had a lot of respect for each other and trusted each other deeply

leading to the sharing of private stories and secrets, aka making her the first person to know about *drum roll please* your crush on jason !!! yayyyyy

turns out you didnt even have to tell her that cause she literally just said "oh yea i already knew that"

and you were like ?? okay

just cause you were aware of your feelings (and jason was aware of his) does not mean that you did anything about itttt

reyna spent YEARS watching you two awkwardly interact, both way too afraid to even insinuate any romantic feelings

aka : you thought he wouldnt like you cause ur weird + he thought you only saw him as a friend and didnt share the feelings

only when this boy gets snatched outta nowhere do your feeling really hit you like a double decker bus

waves of really anxious feelings begin coming in more often as time goes on and less people begin to care about his disappearance

butcha never give up and thats what matters !!

reyna's there by your side the entire time, comforting when u need it ♡

then like this one guy shows up i dont remember his name i think hes like the son of neptune or something like that

anyway he goes on a quest or something ?? dont really remember why he's relevant

you do become friends though so theres that

but like best part about him is that the search party that came to find him had jason with them !!!

your heart must've stopped when you saw him cause you were frozen in shock until reyna gave you a shove and suddenly you were racing towards this boy, and he was also coming at you

you collided somewhere in the middle, embracing each other tightly

and you ALMOST

key word almost

kissed him

but not yet !!

lets be honest, nobody wants lore and ive got homework due in a bit so to put it short: after you awkwardly peel yourself off of jason, you end up joining the seven and their quest to stop motha nature! the first few days are a little awkward with the others (mainly cause you've never been much of a people person) but spend so much time with jason !

you swap stories about his time away from camp and gets you a little closer to the friends he met on the way- particularly leo and piper

they soon connect with you, eager to learn more about you after the stories theyve heard from jason and you end that day walking into your room super giddy

just as you were getting into bed however, GUESS WHO WALKS IN

JASON.

"veronica what are you doing in my room??"

he plops down on your bed and makes a little small talk, watching you through the mirror atop the desk you were sitting at

the room gets quiet once you finish and walk over to the bed, the white noise of the ship's engine running being the only thing you hear

as you sit down next to him on your bed, you turn to face him with a soft smile

he returns the smile and starts fidgeting with his hands as he tries to find the words for what hes about to say

omg is he about to say what i think he is ?!?11/1

yea

he starts off his ramble talking about the first time he saw you, how much fun he had growing up with you, then went onto how lost he felt without you and eventually tied it up with a lovey dovey gush about how youve changed his life forever

youd think the guy is proposing

but he’s actually just confessing his feelings for you!!! how cute

you're left a little shocked cause what!! what do you mean jason grace likes you!!!

pretty sure you know what happens next and soon enough your walking around with your finger interlocked and receiving pecks on your nose like its nobody's business

once you actually start dating, the shift from friends to lovers isnt too drastic

cause you already spend so much time together and know everything about each other, it's just now you dont have to hold back the urge to kiss and hug him at every breathing moment

the honeymoon phase is crazyyyyyy

like yall cant get off each other

once you ease out of it, you're still super affectionate with each other, just now its not super shocking that you're dating your best friend and have instead adapted to it

as semi mentioned before, jason looves holding your hand whenever you're together and adores pecking the tip of your nose, forehead, and cheeks

jason is so excited to show you camp half blood and show you his favorite spots when you agree to visiting

you end up really enjoying the camp and have an amazing time swimming in the lake, taking nature walks in the forest, and ending the night cuddled up in cabin one together

but nothing can beat your sleepovers, coffee shop dates, university lecture sit-ins, and afternoon strolls that you have at camp jupiter

its truly your home and you wouldn't choose to live your life with jason anywhere else in the world

things don't really change friends wise

though you do get closer with some people in your classes

pretty soon you're living the dream; a small(ish) circle of friends you know you can trust, two homes, a supportive best friend, and your dream guy right by your side everyday

his favorite way to spend weekends with you is by watching popular movies and ranking them based on the toll the have on his life

#1 on his list? dead poets society

(guys i have not recovered. its been a WEEK AND I HAVENT MOVED ON I DONT THINK I EVER WILL)

he literally has 'carpe diem' scribbled on a lined piece of paper right next to his bed

you are yet to miss a movie night together

you always end up having them, one way or another

honestly, your parents don't have much effect on your life

other than the fact you're into darker things and have been your whole life, your dad and his image haven't had much of an effect on your life

he doesn't acknowledge you and truth be told, you're glad he doesnt

not to forget romans view it as bad luck, so having brunch with death every sunday isn't too appealing to you

you really dont mind it, and jason doesn't mind jupiter too much either

he simply kind of lives his life without really thinking about him, he's happy without him having a role in his life anyway

yknow why?

cause he has you!!! duhhhh

you end up living your life all happy together and its great ‹𝟹

[temporaryfascination]

ok this is more tame for this blog considering, well, yeah

but i just keep thinking about like, yeah ive been having sexual feelings as a human for like a decade or so now or whatever, but it was never really about the people, mostly just parts of them and it didnt matter who it was, and it was especially never about real people

but then it was like sometime in the last few years a switch was flipped and now its about people (as well as parts, of course lol). fictional and real people, funnily. like a character will do something really cool and strong and awesome and ill be like. oh i need to fuck them. or a real human person will be pretty or sexy or funny and ill be like. i need to fuck them

and its so weird to me because. i was never like this before. i really wasnt. i dont know what changed? and on one hand its kinda awesome but on the other i feel so weird about it, like im being a weirdo for. being attracted to people like anyone else is lol

i just think about that sometimes. i dont know why it happened, i guess its a relief? but idk. i dont want to say i feel ashamed about it cause i know i shouldnt, i almost feel like im stepping somewhere i shouldnt but im not. i just got so used to shoving myself in a box that other people made for me, and im doing my best to tear myself out of it, but its so strangely difficult.

i just got so used to being seen as the weirdo (weirdo as in 'that kid is absolutely neurodivergent but no one is going to tell them that') kid in the back of the class that i told myself i was that without telling myself i was that and well. no one finds that kid attractive so surely they cant be just as sexual if not more than the attractive people! idk its so dumb.

i know im getting serious on my blog thats literally about my silly little fetishes but its not exactly a main blog topic, plus no one really goes here anyway