#actually what am i talking about. it was only this one guy who cares about my relationship status that fucking much
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VANITAS x !VAMPIRE READER HCS
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i am one day late but hbd to my fav non vamp that looks and acts more like a vamp than the vamps in his own show
• absolutely HATED that you were another vampire hanging around noè at first. "oh merveilleux, another bloodsucker with a hero complex"
• gets increasingly irritated that you can see right through his act sometimes. you'll just give him this knowing look when he's being particularly dramatic and he DESPISES it (but also kind of doesn't?)
• if you have some kind of “power” like noè does, he will be secretly fascinated by how different you are from other vampires he's met. keeps trying to study you "for research" but really he's just making excuses to be around you
• absolutely loses it when you team up with noè to mother-hen him about his health. "i don't need TWO vampires telling me to sleep!"
• loves riling you up just to see your eyes flash red. will make increasingly outrageous statements just to get a reaction
• gets weirdly quiet when you talk about your childhood with noè. definitely not jealous. nope. not at all. (he's totally jealous)
• gets VERY flustered when you use your vampire strength to pick him up or protect him, but tries to play it off with his usual dramatics
• absolutely despises how you can tell when he's actually hurt vs when he's being dramatic. "stop looking at me like that, i'm FINE"
• has definitely stayed up all night reading your name in the blue moon records multiple times, but will never admit it
• gets oddly soft when you fall asleep near him during research sessions, but will immediately return to his usual self if anyone catches him looking
• Will subtly, or not so subtly, hint at you to drink his blood more than once. and when you do it? Well let’s just say if you two are a match, he won’t be quiet lmao
• noè finds your whole dynamic hilarious and keeps "accidentally" leaving you two alone together
BLURB UNDER THE CUT
The first time you met Vanitas, you'd nearly thrown him out a window.
"Noè," you'd said, holding the struggling human by his collar, "why is there a suspicious man with your book?"
"Put me down this instant, you bloodsucking menace!" The dark-haired man had thrashed in your grip, blue eyes flashing with indignation. "I am the great Vanitas, and that book is rightfully mine!"
You'd turned to Noè, unimpressed. "Can I throw him out the window?"
"Please don't throw my friend out the window, mon amie," Noè had laughed, looking far too amused. "He really is the owner of that book, the book of Vanitas."
You looked at Noè, eyebrow up. Looking between him and the short human. Book of vanitas. But that’s the blue moon vampire. This guy looks everything but a vampire.
Eventually, you set him down. Rather gently, all things considered.
"Your concern for my wellbeing is touching," Vanitas had said sarcastically , straightening his clothes with exaggerated care. "Tell me, do all vampire childhood friends of Noè's manhandle innocent humans, or am I just special?"
"Only the suspicious ones who smell like lies and… cheap cologne."
His eye had twitched. "Charming. Noè, you didn't tell me your friend was so... direct."
"(Y/N) has always been rather protective," Noè had smiled that knowing smile of his. "You two will get along splendidly."
You'd both turned to him with identical looks of horror.
"We absolutely will not—"
"I'd rather drink holy water—"
But Noè had just kept smiling, and somehow... somehow he'd been right. Though you'd both rather die than admit it.
Even now, months later, as you watched Vanitas patch you up, while complaining under his breath something along the lines of "ungrateful bloodsucker," you couldn't help but smile amused. He caught your stare and scowled.
"What are you looking at?"
"Nothing," you said innocently. "Just admiring your terrible manners."
"I could let you bleed out next time, you know."
"No, you couldn't."
His scowl deepened because you were right. You were always right about him and he hated it. Or maybe not. But you didn’t had to know that.
© GLAMOURSCAT (all rights reserved. do not share, modify, translate and re-upload my work outside of tumblr)
#vanitas x reader#vanitas no carte x reader#les memoires de vanitas#vanitas no carte#the case study of vanitas#vnc vanitas#noe x reader#noé archiviste#vnc noé#noé archiviste x reader#x reader#vampire au#vampire reader#!vampire reader#dominique de sade
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"rhaenys could have ended the war by dracarysing all the greens right there" yes because a distant relation to the throne deciding to barbecue an anointed and publicly positively hailed king and his entire family who is well loved within the city and in multiple other parts of the country for the sake of the succession of a far-away princess no one was ever on board with who hasn't been seen by the populace in literal years, her psycho husband, her three obvious bastards, and two toddlers from the psycho husband would go over super well with westeros and especially in king's landing where scores of the still-cheering population were killed for no reason by that same dragon who would do the barbecuing, because when targaryens act unilaterally without thinking of how the people would react there's never any problem, which is why the storming of the dragonpit and robert's rebellion were actually just collective delusions dreamed up by readers who hate rhaenyra and not key parts of the story and house targaryen's history that directly contributed to their demise and are intrinsic to the plot
truly team black stans are made up of only the most genius and media literate amongst us
#personal#house of the dragon#anti team black#i mean i guess??#like the crowd was cheering for aegon HARD#and they were always on board with aegon#and the hightowers are a powerful house with a lot of allies#and alicent and helaena specifically were well loved by the people in king's landing and the realm at large#and none of them ever liked rhaenyra or daemon who again have been MIA for basically a decade already#and again targaryens overreaching their power and not taking the people into account#is the reason why their house fell into oblivion and now rests entirely on a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO IS THE ONLY ONE LEFT#if she roasted the dais the mob wouldn't have even let her leave they'd have killed her and meleys both in a heartbeat#storming of the dragonpit but a couple months earlier#the thing to remember is that i think a lot of team black stans are just kinda stupid#and do not care about the story at all or the actual intricacies of the world and its politics that is so important to the dance#(remember the rumors of rhaenyra mistreating helaena and alicent literally led to rhaenyra's death)#(because it led to the mobs and the storming of the dragonpit and the death of joffrey and her being driven out)#(and thus having to go to dragonstone where sunfyre got a little meal out of the whole debacle good for him)#(along with all of her ten million other shitty political decisions)#how do you profess to be pro-targaryen without even knowing targaryen history and where they erred and how that ended them#like *i* like the targaryens you guys have heard me talk about the conquerors all the livelong day#but i am also smart and i understand the world george created and the concept of repercussions#anyway yeah i am Annoyed at that new daemon clip (wow what a shock something annoyed me and had daemon in it)#(my least favorite character who could have foreseen this)
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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Ok fun fact for all of 8th-10th grade the friend group i was in made fun of me dailyyy for not ever being in a relationship and these were people i loved so i took their words seriously and was deeply insecure about it and had that whole “im unlovable” mindset. Im past that now but i still cant even listen to people talk about being in relationships without my stomach churning. Cant wven watch anything that isnt comedy
#actually what am i talking about. it was only this one guy who cares about my relationship status that fucking much#and then the rest followed#before this era i was so steadfast on waiting until im an adult and then i let thier words change me. iIt makes me rlly sad#their opinion mattered so much to me its unreal. but they were my best friends? of course i just wanted them to think kinder of me#but it literally didnt matter. im just a weird kid to them now and i always was#it matters in my head though because i still think about it everyday#and i still look in the mirror wondering what i could do better
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everyday i wake up and think about what dc vs vampires could've been
#jkb.talk#i should really just watch iwtv instead but#a dick grayson who gets turns who is alone and no one really notices the difference. he's just been hurt he's just been traumatized again#and no one cares. and it festers#he has to play mediator between bruce and his siblings; his siblings with each other and he's tired of being the pseudo parent for everyone#including the guy who fucking raised him#vampires are such a good vehicle to talk about the problem of hte family structure and particularly a patriarchal family structure#so dick kills the father (bruce) and then ends up taking his place instead#itd be most obvious with damian who i think would be the only actual kid. idk duke's age and i am gonna assume that tim is not kept static#at 17. but the point is that dick starts to repeat the cycle just with him in control this time#and the other aspect about damian is that some comics do discuss the fact that they did have a half brohter half parental relationship#which is reminiscent of how old bruce was when he took in dick and their relationship#doomed family structures!! doomed family structures!!!!#and the fact that in dc vs vamps damian is trying to kill dick... the appearance is that the cycle would continue#anyways#this would also want to lend more role to kori. high offense to how barbara was written and also the fact that like.#kori just existed to like be chained up (:/) and give blood#replicate the family structure via heteronormative means is what im saying and then its the tragedy and horror of all that#dc#dc vs vampires#just for my own tagging purposes
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Me, gritting my teeth as I do my best to ignore the fact that I have been battling my own brain particularly intensely (a mental health crisis that is ongoing, due to life circumstances that cannot be changed) and the many other responsibilities that have been stressing me out as of late so I can instead throw myself into the middle of a complex, inflammatory conflict between two groups I care about that is threatening to have a horrific amount of emotional collateral in part due to the fact that no one else has been willing to step up as a mediator: Wow, just like in Pentiment
#everything's fine. we're all fine here. how are you#almost like having a bunch of marginalized students running their own organizations at school can lead to a lot of stress sometimes#when you inevitability end up with bunch of traumatized people pointing fingers at each other instead of actually like. talking#i think i was able to help defuse things today but also. everything is a little bit on fire and not enough people are putting out the fires#and also like. guys. please do not let me. the most mentally ill man in the world. be one of your only sources of conflict resolution#(not the only one at least. i am wearily handshaking with one of my close friends in the queer student group. but like. they're struggling)#but i have uhhh seen groups i care about explode before for similar reasons and i'm not willing to let it happen again#and more than a few people thanked me today and i have a big dumb heart too [gestures] like this for my own good so. i'm not about to stop#genuinely i do not mind being the person who does the mediation so long as people are like. grateful when all is said and done#and they seemed to be today#still. screaming tiredly etc etc#please picture me full on crying as i somehow managed to talk a really awful shouting argument in the queer student center down anyways#cursed are the peacemakers because they will be the ones constantly going 'what the hell guys. please do not' everywhere they go
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its always morally correct to wish death on your ex
#personal#i am actually doing Generally okay with all of this#i fucking hate him and i hope he dies. but jm okay#im having these weird mixed emotions#i cried twice today in second period but like. im laugjing more#and i keot sayibg i wanted to drop them all anyways#i guess they did it for me?#still hurts more than anythinf#“i loved him” if yoy did then why did you break up with me lol#“oh maybe we can try agaib one day” we Both know thats only happening if i reach out first#youdidnt care enough to text after months until i did it first#but honestly im trying my best not tk think about it because being upset is what he wants from me#imnot govinf him that. im not feeling bad over something he caused#i hate him and i hope he dies. but its okay#maybe kne day i can be hashtag normak enough to talk tk him without bursting into tears#hes really sayinghow imade himfeel fuckcjing manajic wheni had panic attacks because the guy who sits across from me#in art class looks lile him#like ughhow fo you not see what you did to me! you caused the worst 3 months of my life. thanks i guess...#but i find it hard tj care seeing as im always second best#i knownyou like that fucking guy better than you ever liked me#but it wouldve been nice if you ag least tried to hide it#all of that said. i might be okat#💭
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after a billion yrs i added a lil line about my gbf verse.....<3 one day i might flesh it out to something in-universe, but since gbf is so "oh ure from another world? ya that happens..." i....am gonna keep w that..........(also cuz i do think discussing the different ways of magic, moon-enemy & this n that is more fun like this
#stardust speaking !#i do wanna write but im unsure when ill do so#anyway i need to talk abut that one 1.5 moment with that weird car horn sfx after murrs fancy speech cuz i#was thinking about it again due to one of the descriptions in the alterego event#i still didnt check the website btw is it available info why snows adult and whites a kid or is that a waiting game cuz#that.....#sometimes when i think abuot paradoxroid i think about them. that one was fkd up#snow&white r so fascinating to me#snow & white & figaro & oz are even more fascinating#oz who only started learning abut the world because arthur asked things about the world.................#oz who made arthur pancakes.................................#they make me ill. figaro feels like he should be the most welladapted cuz in some ways he IS. guy who lies about his power and age and love#humans and that one offhand line in 2nd anni about how he has cared for kids!??!? dude i need to reread 2nd anni did that ever get brought#up again#but figaro & love is................guy who leaves when he thinks he isnt loved anymore#<-guy who was taught by snow&white who valued e/o the most#2nd anni makes me lose my mind. figaro and fausts convo. both who felt like it was the other who left LIKE FIGAROS SURPRISE WAS UNREEEAAALL#somethings deeply wrong with him i am so intrigued#i need to go reread his pt2 parts like what the actual hell dude#the mental gymnastics he does in one part is ? id like to study u and the twins under a microscope#this is all shallowly/casually speaking about it btw theres a lot of things left&right about all of these topics that makes them very yummy#i think what gets me the most about pt2 is that a lot of it is things that we alrdy knew regarding characters feelings etc. such as figaro#but seeing them say it themself makes me faint#OH MY GOOODDDDDD THE FLASHBACK CONVO WITH OZ AND FIGARO? ABOUT WOULD U SAVE THE PERSON U LOVE OR THE WORLD#AND HOW FIGARO ENDS UP FALTERING DEAR LOOOOORRRDDDDDDDDDDDDD#fucked up family (affectionate)#i need to think of modern aus again i thought about arthur calling snow & white granpa for one second and everything hrut#ok im sorry i dont know what possessed me. i promise ill be rereading stuff soon#one more thing. fausts part in pt2. god. but in this cursed world the sage trusted me...
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I
<3
In between arc (kinda) episodes
Pt. 3
#so MOMOS GRANDPA IS ALIVE??? AND PLUTON IS HERE SO ROBIN LIED TO CROCODILE IN ARABASTA! QUEEN#THE NEW ADMIRAL JUST KILLED QUEEN AND MAYBE KING (PLEASE DONT!!) AND IS CALLING FOR A WARSHIP TO KILL LUFFY#oh luffy grabbing kid akdhaksj reluctant friend maker they call him... wdym youre going to kill me... come here lets smush cheeks#luffy is such a humble king.... also why am i crying here thinking how everything is so brautiful (and otsuru is alive) and i have to find#out buggy is a yonkou. what the hell did he do against the marines akdbaisbsks ????? HOW????#ofc luffy is obvious.... also the admiral could roam arund wano a little and grow some plants all over... it is needed after all...#take a breath.... meditate what you're going to do...#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1080#also why is jinbe in there alone??? also i thought pluton was nika but pluton is in wano??? metaphorically yes.... my theory is in shambles#SHANKS???? 'momo and hiyori must have grown' well... recent update actually...#yamato got him!!!! fuck yes!!!#yasopp isnt ready to see usopp???? well boohoo... also why does this guy care about kid... nvm shanks got his arm i forgor xd#so shanks new about the fruit.... bc not even whos who knows...#barto burning shanks flag omg akdhsks#SABO KILLED COBRA???? that has to be a setup.... kuma escaped!!!! sabo is more popular than dragon somehow??? its bc he actually does stuff#MOMO CAN MAKE FIRE?? well kinda... shanks goes for the one piece.... what's in the air??? like you didn't have time before???#once again i <3 in between arc episodes.... i love getting fed new info....#nami new sharpshooter usopp step aside... and with one hand only... oh nvm.... it is rigged then#episode 1082#law and robin ponebesties.... jack gyojin???? also that is such a way to construct a city... wth RED PONEGLYPH!!! 3/4!!!#opening the frontiers frees the weapon.... inch resting also did luffy talk to him??? yamato could hear him because of the king's haki???#what is up with shank's haki.... jesus christ.... they were just watching lmao luffy can feel shanks omg.....#did he just leave or does he need the poneglyph still???#episode 1083
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lots of people in this fandom CLAIM to love Gomez but when someone makes a post with Morticia as "Barbie is everything" and Gomez as "he's just Ken", it gets likes and reblogs
like...isn't that meme essentially saying "he's bland and boring/doesn't do anything interesting/is no good at anything and has nothing special about him, and no-one cares about him that much because he's just some bland generic guy with no personality beyond being a sidekick"?
do the majority of fans genuinely believe Gomez has no personality and no interesting traits?
#I really am starting to consider deleting all my fics and my Tumblr#because most of my planned WIPs focus on Gomez quite heavily#and I feel like no-one will care or want to read them because apparently everyone thinks he is dull and bland#I'm also assuming everyone I've ever talked to about him was secretly#thinking 'I wish this loser would stop going on about this boring character who no-one cares about'#'ugh they're pathetic he's the most generic bland guy on the planet why would anyone be a fan of him'#even if at the time people seemed interested I'm starting to think they must just have been pretending#because APPARENTLY the whole fandom thinks he's boring and useless and bland and stupid and has no personality#if I post any of my fics I'm worried I'll either get zero response because no-one likes or cares about Gomez#or I'll just get comments from people going 'give up and quit writing no-one cares about this stupid character he sucks and so do you'#I don't get why he's apparently seen as dull and boring when he swordfights and builds robots and blows things up but apparently he is?#I especially don't get it from Morticia fans tbh#because I don't think SHE'D actually like people calling Gomez dull and bland and forgettable and useless#she generally seems to believe he's amazing just as much as he believes she's amazing#but hey what do I know I'm clearly the only person in the fandom who finds him interesting#or thinks he has a personality or is anything more than Morticia's forgettable stupid sidekick#so I guess I'm just stupid and wrong about everything#and should stop writing fic because apparently I'm too stupid to understand the characters properly#and I'm just an idiot with bad taste and bad opinions#because if I was a true fan who understood the characters I'd think Gomez was boring and useless too like everyone else does#it's just not fun to know that everyone I thought was interested in my fics and headcanons was only pretending to be
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wow so apparently 30 tags is the limit, that's cool, not rereading any of that shit, the void can have it and my run on sentences
#im running on about 3.5hrs of sleep rn#i went to bed at 6am because i couldn't stop crying ig#god thats so pathetic#i have like 2 people that care about me#like actually care about me#my siblings all still live at home and my entire family forgets i exist#more often than you'd think#i only have one irl friend aside from my boyfriend and she's got her own shit#i used to share a bed with her and now im lucky if we exchange one message per month#my best friend is just Some Guy from the uk and he's 6hrs ahead so it's probably inconvenient for him to talk to me#and yeah maybe it's just my brain fucking with me#but i don't feel like a person#i feel like some vaguely human shaped alien or something#trying to decide if i should drop out of uni#if i do my boyfriend will probably break up with me though#he wants someone who can build a life with him#im not sure i even have a future#at this rate he's probably gonna drag me to the er to have a nice little vacation#surrounded by nursing staff and other patients#im too fuckin old for this shit#ive seen what life has to offer me#i just want out yknow?#all i am and all i will ever be is a personality disorder#summed up by 3 words:#dramatic#emotional#erratic#does that sound like a life worth fighting for?? ive done so so so much dbt and it's all been for nothing#just a complete waste of my time#my mood stabilizers aren't helping anymore either
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#writing#poetry#2021#december 2021#december 18 2021#Closure#about to go through the mortifying ordeal of posting a bunch really old poems that I am embarrassed by#anyways the author here is JK Rowling#a bunch of girls I went to Catholic school with where really into Harry Potter in 6th grade#sometimes I wonder what their opinions on her political beliefs are#specifically the line about wished id asked certain questions are me trying to remember if she was being a terf back then and if i knew#cause if she had then i really wish id used that to figure out the opinions the girls in my grade had on trans people#I got bullied by all the guys in my grade for being trans and the girls didn’t seem against that fact#but they weren’t mainly werent dicks to me either. just indifferent. Maybe they somehow didn’t know i was getting bullied#or maybe they didn’t care about me specifically which doesn’t really make them transphobes#There was this girl who i thought for sure thought trans people where weird#but now shes one of the only people i grew up with that knows im that kid she grew up with. And shes like an ally#So like how many kids who i thought were queerphobic or hated me actually didn’t?#i could talk more on this but i dont feel like it#trans#transgender#a lot of this poem i hate like honestly kinda pointless to refrence JKR#but that “the good has had been faded fading” is still so good#honestly forgot what exactly I was getting at with it#but I remember being really proud of that line so I'm gonna maintain that pride and trust that it really does go hard#Catholic school#ex-Catholic#I really dont know how to tag my personal work with the objective of visibility
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its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on
Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit
#ive been fucking sobbing on the phone for 20 minutes calling the phone number over and over again#im about to mcfucking lose it and im sad and confused and scared because my foot is still so swollen even though it doesnt hurt very much#and google says if swelling on an injury like this persists after 48 hours to go get it looked at#all the walkin clinics near me dont have any xray techs til monday & quoted me anywhere from $130-$300 if i dont have insurance which i can#provide proof of nor am i even sure i actually have at this point and im ngl my guys i only have like $180 to my name until next friday#but then basically my entire next paycheck is going to Geico#and overall im just having a really really really bad time rn and im scared that if my foot is actually fractured im gonna fuck it up worse#by walking around on it without a boot/cast. yeah ive been sitting at work the last few days#but its front desk at a hotel so at least for the first hour of my shift and last 1.5 hours i HAVE to be standing#my foot was so swollen after work today it hurt to get my shoe off#im just really fucking stressed and anxious and confused and im sitting here sobbing my eyes out realizing theres literally no one i can#call just to vent and cry it out with#cant call my mom cause i busted my foot leaving her place after her husband got in my face & screamed at me for saying you cant hit people#cant call my siblings cause none of them can help/we dont talk often enough that i feel like i can burden them with this#i have a few casual friends but same sitch im not close enough with them that i feel comfortable venting while sobbing to them#i could call my ex but shes got a new boo now/its not her problem/we rarely talk anymore/she cant help so no point in calling#only other person who knows/is worried about me is my ex's mom but she wont be home from work for break til 2pm & its 11:30am rn#not close enough to any of my coworkers either#its times like this that i realize how truly alone i am these days with no one that can physically comfort me#which of course is only making me more upset#thats what i get for being depressed and reclusive the last 2 years and only letting people get an arms length reach from me emotionally#there is a medical clinic i can go to that is a 50 minute drive from me and without insurance you just pay a $20 sliding fee plus a little#extra for the care services but again theyre not open until monday and also its a 50 minute drive from me#so all im learning is i shouldve gone some place thursday morning after it happened and im fucked at least til monday#FUCK my STUPID BAKA life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#whatever. guess imma keep icing it try to keep it elevated and just endure it and hope it doesnt get worse#emma rambles#vent tag#DONT REBLOG
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I am so upset with myself because playing YLAD I was picking up so many lines where I was like "hehe Joon-gi Han autistic" and I WAS gonna post about it make a funny little essay but I never got around to it because I'm a lazy fuck. But then Infinite Wealth rolls around and it makes it SO obvious like Joon-gi Han dropped his mask and is just so obviously autistic. Like I could've reblogged my own post like "HA! I KNEW IT!" but no those ramblings are confined to DMs with my best friend who has to deal with me going like ☝️😏 this guy is autistic because I SAID SO! For like. Any character ever. So does that even count? Who knows maybe I'll post it anyway but reframe it as "He was always like this btw" hm. Tons to ponder. But I'm still mad at myself.
#not even gonna grace this post wih proper tagging except for my own#bc i ced so#I'm ngl so many joon-gi han posts I didn't like bc it kinda painted him as just a cool guy and ignored the silly that's inside#and i hate hate hate hate HATE being that guy like. haha i better i like him longer and in the correct way. because that's a STUPID thought!#but sometimes it felt like i was the only one who understood his true whimsy. and now everyone finally gets it yay!#and i wanna be like I TOLD YOU SO but i am such a nothing in this already small fandom so no one will care that i have correct opinions#my opinions are good and my ass is fat pls pls pls#the biggest pain was finding people who are big joon-gi han fans but they actually prefer 6han#like he's cool and all but WHAT ABOUT THE WHIMSY!!! THE WHIMSY!!!! PLEASE!!!!!#there's like one fellow han fan where I'm holding hands with him in my mind like. YAY! finally! similar opinions yippee yippee!!#shout out that one guy#and ofc my best friend. my lover even. for dealing with me talking about this man nonstop.
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The most validating thing about having a brother in law is sometimes I’ll make a comment about my parents being kinda horrible and he’ll just be like "DUDE FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT IVE BEEN THINKING THIS THE WHOLE TIME BUT DIDNT KNOW HOW TO ADDRESS IT"
#the klock keeps ticking#like i remember about 2 years ago when it really clicked with me that my parents were worse than i let myself believe#i had like covid and so to be safe i completely isolated myself in my room and only came out when no one was around#or with a mask on just to get food or use the bathroom that was it#and like when i had mostly recovered i stopped isolating and i looked around and noticed huh the house is kinda a hot mess#and i realized it was because i was the one who kept up with like basic cleaning and making sure things were in order#so like a little bit later i was in the car with my sister and brother in law and i was talking about this#and i was like ‘i think ive realized our parents are kinda unable to take care of themselves without me doing it for them’#and my BIL was like IM SO GLAD YOU FINALLY NOTICED THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY FOR YEARS#which was just so validating i was like okay so im not just being an ass like this is an actual problem#and idk a more recent thing that maybe uh. made me a little bit emotional was we were basically at a cool place where you can climb shit#and he was just kinda there helping me when it seemed i was gonna lose balance to make sure i didnt get hurt#as well as my sister too and i was like oh god is this was like. basic affection feels like???#is this what it feels like to have someone care like actually kinda give a fuck about your safety and well being???#so yeah i maybe am still not okay with that and still dont know how to feel anymore 😭#so i guess even though hes stinky and i like to bully him I GUESS hes actually a pretty cool guy and he does make my sister happy and he#treats her with respect and hes very good with their cat so yeah maybe i actually really appreciate him and care more about him#than i do my parents and most people in my family#but i cant say that cuz then itll like. go straight to his head 🥺#and he still wont play pokepark 2 with me even though he PROMISED its been like 4 years since he said that and WE STILL HAVENT PLAYED IT 👺👺👺
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#girl i have so many teshes thoughts its INSANE#me starting with haha actually this ship has no basis i just want to Put Tesilid Through It#but over the past few months of brainrotting their dynamic is now like.#what if we were doomed from the start and there was never anything either of us could do to save the other#(not even talking about the regression but rather the stigma bearer thing and how they have no social power)#(but also the regression thing)#what if we loved each other throughout all the lifetimes but there could never be a happy ending. tragedy dogs our footsteps#what if we were 'guy who has a good head on his shoulders and recognises our low social positions and looks out for his friends in similar#predicaments' x 'guy who is way too giving and this is bad bc the world is out to get him and he loves ppl too much to care about#the danger to himself'#what if we were 'guy who is way too giving' x 'guy who wants to protect him but Cant'#doomed ships.....#swings hestio around i like you SO much. i need to put you under a microscope and in a fish tank#(statements that should not ever be viewed by people outside of tumblr)#some of my fic outlines has notes that are like 'wow if they had the transmigrators privilege this wouldnt even have been a problem'#and im suddenly very appreciative of canon#god bless canon tesilid may you be happy. not my fanfic tesilid though im making him miserable#anyway. the more i think about it the more interesting hestio's internal conflict could be#it's about being so acutely aware of how shit their lives already are that he knows having a r/s that is frowned upon would just#make things worse#also i am very much hooked by the fact that like. nowadays i keep seeing ship posts about 'killing myself in front of you to change the#trajectory of your life forever'#for teshes its the opposite. hestio is desperately trying to make sure tesilid doesnt off himself#and also its not hestio dying that changes the trajectory of tesilid's life forever it's hestio confessing#and somehow this inflicts more pain on tesilid in the long run#which is extremely funny bc for all the notes that ive written abt teshes hestio has only confessed like umm. checks notes. 3 times#1. drunk (tesilid is not in the room) 2. the world is ending#like if hestio had managed to take this to the grave like he had originally planned then this could have been avoided#but the tragedy is that tesilid lives thru this multiple times so at least ONE time hestio's going to blab and that forever changes things#crying in fic writing being stupidly hard
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