#sorry i got mad and i say this to other ppl but i havent posted it yet so here you go thats my theory or w/e

[bulbabutt]

ok. elephant in the room or shit i thought about a while ago but didnt post, my going theory on the rise cancellation which idk if its a theory more-so as reading the room and putting the pieces together.

it seems like playmates fault to me on account of the toys being shit and then cancelled outright. like waves of toys ready to go in 2019, none saw the light of day.

obvs a lot of them were shit, not the point. the point being theres up to 6 waves of toys on the table at 2019 toy fair, only 1 and 2 were made. compare to the last toyfair showing the mutant mayhem toys.

playmates made both of these era of toys. do you see how much more effort went into one than the other. you can say movies are more popular blah blah blah. but playmates has made ALL tmnt toys since they ever existed, and comparing the rise toys to even the previous shows toys it seems obvious where they put the money.

anyway my theory here is playmates got told (or given or offered or whatever) mutant mayhem. they immediately went. oh. yeah this will make us money. lets start prepping moulds for this now, lets get ready to sell a shit ton of different stuff. and they just left all those rise things on the cutting room floor. they didnt tell anyone on the team they were gonna do that. they didnt say "yeah it doesnt matter what you do cuz we have this NEW thing coming" they just abandoned it. they pretended theyd give it a chance to come back if their movie went well just to appease them and us, cuz they saw more money elsewhere.

the dumb shit about that is like imagine saying that about like. batman or the avengers or something. yeah we wont make this cartoon anymore cuz we have a theatrical movie coming in 3 years. like. you can have more than one iteration YOU DID IT WITH 12.

truly this is nothing against mutant mayhem by all accounts it looks amazing, my point here is that im sick of playmates fucking over each tv show with their stupid hunks of plastic. it has in fact happened each time, rise was just faster

87 was good, then there were the 90s movies that got popular enough that the show needed to be closer in style to.

03 was good, then it got dark, told to be more fun (cuz kids like ben 10 now) so they made fast forward, which was also good but in its own way, but then tmnt 2007 came out and playmates literally said "nope nope, we want to save on moulds so change your show to look like this movie" then 07 didnt go well cuz warner bros didnt fucking market it (what i heard from a podcast w nolan north was that they were super preoccupied marketing the shit out of 300 at the time. which. ok very weird choice for kids toys)

then we have 2012 after nick buys the franchise. and 12 has the weird tonal dissonance of dark stuff and kid stuff, with the most "designed to be toys" characters in it, clearly messing w things in the show itself while it was going.

then bayverse comes out along side it and once its over we get rise, where the designs clearly take inspiration from that movie (donnie and raph specifically)

then mutant mayhem is announced and rise just. fades out of existence. planned seasons cut and cancelled. planned toys disappear.

anyway. none of those shows are bad. none of the movies that come out along side them are bad. its just the dumbassery of like. not being allowed more than one iteration at a time, and its nOT on account of popularity or brand synchronizing like youd think, its literally to not have to make as many DIFFERENT SHAPED hunks of plastic! its fucking stupid. rise's downfall seems to be POOR FUCKING PLANNING on playmates part for THEIR shitty toys and then also being cheap/unwilling to have TWO DIFFERENT KINDS OF TOYS AT ONCE (proof being the 03/07 thing)

anyway. thats my theory or whatever that fills me with rage. i hate playmates and i think its insane that the downfall of rise literally comes down to two stupid companies and their desire to sell garbage to children.

[phagodyke]

kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room

[vorecommunitywoes]

I lifted my rule of not interacting with people on here just to pop

Yeah i wanna apologise kinda for being immature in how i handled talking to you and how I spoke to you about certain people when really i shouldn't have. No matter how much i dont like you or the stuff you did i should have been more civil and or just not enganged im sorry for that

I saw your recent post on me and eh i cant say much i just dont care

I dont agree with a lot of stuff you say or your views but I do genuinely think this acc isnt and wasnt made for trolling but others can disagree with me i cant gauge someones intent.

I do agree with you that this place is riddled with people who can prey on kids and groom them, filled with immature kids who cant act properly (myself included) and adults who cannot interact normally with people younger than them. And the community would rather ignore everything rather than eknowladge bad stuff and just let it fester.Someone youve previously called out i had an ancident that made me so uncomfortable it was one of the reasons i stopped posting so i can tell you do actually have good points and intent -despite the execution and how you donduct yourself.

Its why i am now only using my blog to archive my vore art and not much else.

I appreciate any concerns youve had for me and if you havent had any and you dont like me thats fine.

Just wanted to give my 2 cents. You dont have to reply to this even just thought id let ya know lol

I hope you have a good time on this pile of rocks we call home

its fine, i think you and others were just working with what they know (and that being that there are ppl who encourage u to do dangerous shit and then scatter when u get hurt because they dont want to take any responsibility)

and i also apologize for some of my own conduct, this all comes from a very deep place in my heart. when i was a very young kid i also engaged in the "sfw" parts of the vore community nd was groomed and sexually taken advantage of by adults who insisted tht it was, actually, a nonsexual thing for them even when they were actively DOING sexual things to me or my friends

so to see tht pattern CONTINUE with ppl who are the age i once was, for nothing to be done and for no one to SAY anything, it was infuriating. that kids were continuing to get groomed and exploited. tht groomers who hurt me and other ppl who were and are children get to wash their hands clean and never face the fucking consequences of their actions... it made me feel like i had to do something. anything. so those ppl dont have the same fucking pit of trauma tht i was given by online strangers who used me bc i was vulnerable, trusting, trying to cope with a horrific reality of an abusive family, n having untreated mental illnesses. it still affects me so many years later and it... ruined me. they got to walk away. i was left with the carnage they made of me.

and of course kids arent going to know better, most of them are only here 2 cope with traumatizing irl things in their lives (or mental illnesses that they might not be able to get resources for so, again, to cope w tht)which leaves them way more fucking vulnerable than the average person. why should an ADULT STRANGER ONLINE be involved in a childs coping mechanisms, yk? and then making a community of vulnerable children they find?

i appreciate the apology n i also apologize, i just genuinely didnt know how else to make an impact this way on other ppl. ppl didnt listen to me when i was nicer ab this and i felt like this would only make its impact when i started more directly calling them n their social circles out

and like to b clear i dont dislike u, the only ppl im truly fucking mad ab are the adults who were involved and actively encouraging kids to be vulnerable to online strangers. it kept me up a lot of nights w anxiety tht i could and SHOULD try to stop wht they were doing but tht i might not be doing ENOUGH to. especially w ppl like suzyandthefox whos a whole other kind of malicious entitled asshole who seek kids out for their fantasies n who mix their sexual tendencies in (but try to hide it)

to wrap things up i was concerned ab you and others, yeah. i dont think u were trying to b outright malicious, u were just trying to do what u thought was right. i appreciate u taking the time to think and self reflect, ive been giving myself space to do the same

u deserve a safer community, and i hope u can find or make it

[milkinghomelander]

im trying not to be on here unless im actively in the mood to post or scroll my bad. i went to my grandmas today. that was fine. i didnt really have weed all day and my vape kept dying and my grandma lives an hr away so the lack of spotify hurted but i got thru it. and she made flautas so that was A+. i miss my bf. my moms bf got my resume printed for my aquarium interview tomorrow. thats gonna be...a lot to take on if i get it, both good and bad. if i even get an offer. but itd be worth it to get to go to the aquarium every day. i already had a long commute job. i need to make money. i wanna go back to school so i can do other shit at this same aquarium and always have wanted to. shits hard. my mom mentioned me moving out again today and said its bc my bf makes enough money. whatever i guess. me and him had an argument about that today bc his money just seems to be flying out lately and i looked at his bank account and its all those damn payday apps. they just get ppl sucked in a cycle. my brothers been a little cunt lately. he doesnt want me anywhere near him and then comes and uses all my vapes. cant do shit bc he just starts being a prick if i say no 80% of the time and no one does shit about it. whatever hes leaving soon. ive been going thru my spotify and deleting old shit. i wanna keep everything i love. i skip too much in my library, constantly. and i need to find new music. i wish i could text my bf. we went to the mall to pick up my phone like 10 min before i closed (bc i had to go to the grandmas and they werent finished before i left) and for some reason they were shut up already :( its ok. i like using tumblr on here. i tag a lot more. sorry about whatever this is and it has no point and i havent smoked all day and came home and opened up a new cart bc edwin dropped it off while i was gone (feel bad for being mad he didnt even get the money for it or the last yet and was still nice).

[bambisgirl]

maria as one of the older kids on sfw enhablr (not saying ur old !! 😭😭 it’s just that there’s a lot of minors on here) how do you feel abt the current content for the maknae line? like ik it’s not always super sexualized or anything but sometimes i see stuff that’s just the way it’s worded really rubs me the wrong way ☹️ esp bc some of the kids on here are so young it makes me feel like if they see stuff like that , they might start think it’s okay for others to treat them the same or vice verse … whenever i see edits of niki on tiktok , i have to avoid the comments bc there’s almost always like a “daddy” , “how is he 16” or “you don’t know what you do to me” like wtf he’s a literal child ?? it makes me so mad and honestly so uncomfortable :( and i saw an article on kboo today too that said niki apparently has around 200 explicit or mature fics written abt him on ao3 … sometimes even the fboi trope usually when it’s written abt minors bothers me bc i see minors writing abt it (like 13-15 y/o) and i don’t understand why they don’t just use the term player or smtg … bc they’ll go out of their way to mention how the character has sex a lot an whatnot when they’re not legal , even that feels way too suggestive for me personally for a minor too write let aline abt a minor too , sorry for the rant,, i was just wondering how you felt … omg also though tbh i noticed that some of the minors on here / blogs in gen seem way too comfy on here like they’ll be sharing where they live , their actual names and sometimes like giving a lot of personal info … like did they not learn abt internet safety or do they just no care? as one of the older kids , i kind of worry abt them :( i really hope everybody stays safe on here <3 & some reminders: never be afraid to block anyone ! bc i’ve seen a lot of minors on here get sent stuff from the p*rn bots or just weird dms :( & u don’t need to force yourself to interact with someone , make sure ur comfy with them first !

I WAS ONLY BORN IN 02 HELP I GOT SCARED AT THE BEGINNING 😭😭

jokes aside, i havent been too up to date with the current enha works on tumblr,,, WHAT DID U SAY IS GOING ON?? 🥹🥹 literally what the actual fuck????

okay so sunoo is legal,,, for me personally i could never write something suggestive / nsfw for him bc i dont feel comfortable w it :’) jungwon just turned 18 BUT hes korean & lives in korea & he’ll become an adult at 19 (20 korean age) SO 😀 seeing suggestive works for him is absolutely disgusting. i wont even talk about riki HES NOT EVEN 17 YET… like what… its not his fault that hes really tall & looks older, hes literally just a teenager. its terrifying.

the tiktok community is a different breed like whenever i see a maknae line tiktok with a suggestive audio i ignore the comments completely since we all know whats going on in there anyway 😭😭

you know what im scared of??? when riki becomes an adult. its so scary already LIKE 😃😃 so many people are WAITING for him to turn 18 to have an excuse to post their nsfw drafts of him 😶 like i actually have no words.

and youre so right!!! ppl need to be careful, tumblr is such a nice place but it could get unsafe real quick 🫠🫠 please stay safe >:(

[wri0thesley]

many many anons under the cut bc i didn’t want anyone to feel like i was ignoring them and i wanted to respond to u all! warning for small text too, it was so long i wanted to make it look smaller fgbnjkgkjn

Anonymous asked: NAT... you can write WHATEVER you want! It's your blog, and I hope that rude anons can learn to respect that. I used to be on your blog just for jjba content too, so when you started getting into jjk I was indifferent but eventually you dragged me into jjk so hard!! I already like bnha, so seeing you write for it only made me happier! I hope that you continue to write whatever make YOU happy:) ❤and yes, longer fics certainly doesnt mean it's better, quality over quantity

ahh i’m happy that you are here for all three!! i always feel so accomplished when someone is like ‘your constant screaming made me think about jjk <3′. all three of the fandoms are fairly popular and i tag everything v carefully so i hope people who do use the filtering find that useful!!! 

Anonymous asked: Goodness gracious. People really be out there thinking they're entitled to dictating what kind of content you should be making

i think part of it might be that i do take requests so people feel like they have like . . . a certain right to certain kinds of my content? i take requests mostly bc they keep me motivated, i like making content for ppl who cant find what they want bc i’ve Been There, but maybe people think i am a pushover? idk i am just trying to have a good time!!!

Anonymous asked: Hi. I only started following you a few days ago but please ignore that rude anon. People are so fucking entitled towards writers it's insane. I recently had someone throw a fit for "spoiling" something in my fanfic, even though the fic was about a manga-exclusive character, so what did they expect?? Overall I've really enjoyed your writing so random assholes coming to guilt you is just a shitty thing that happens. Keep going with what you wanna do.

ah gosh anon i’m sorry about that :(. i’m always super careful tagging spoilers and stuff but like, if someone clicks on a fic about say, naoya or the steel ball run boys and is mad that i spoil something they havent found out yet . . . yeah thats on them fgbnkjgfkjn

Anonymous asked: That...that anon had the nerve to say "we". The fuck?! No no no anon, YOU'RE the only one talking and you're just talking for yourself, don't you dare try and lump us other anons/followers up with you to make yourself look like you're right. We love you nat and we appreciate you. It's your blog, you're allowed to write about whoever and whatever. This brain dead anon just needs to either go read someone else if they're that salty or write their own stuff if they're that impatient.

gosh i WISH some of my mad anons would just write their own stuff honestly. idk if this anon thought they were talking for everybody but i guess they expected anons to agree with them and not be mad at them. i appreciate u anon ;_;

Anonymous asked: Just want to say that ily and you’re one of the best jojo fanfic writers in my opinion 💗 I don’t think you’re half assing jojo fics and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you being multi fandom. A lot of jojo blogs have started posting about jjk so it’s not as if you’re the only one. I’m not sure why you get hate like this but I think it’s just because you’re one of the popular writers and that makes people bitter for whatever reason. Keep being you and posting about the things that make you happy 💕

honestly after so long writing for jojo - i’ve written well over 200 jojo reader insert fics - sometimes it feels like i’m retreading stuff, and that’s when i take a break bc i dont wanna half-ass stuff!!! i love all of my fellow jojo friends who are posting about jjk too, i appreciate them <3. 

Anonymous asked: Hey my dude, ur writing has really grown since the jojo days and its better and awesome seeing u become happier to branch off and write in different fandoms 🤌🤌 those stupid anons are just boring farts that couldnt be bothered making their own content 😤😤 is it possible to block them to ease ur mind?

hello anon!! i run a statcounter for IPs but it doesnt always work for ppl who access through the tumblr app, i don’t think; a lot of the anon hate i get i just use the ‘block’ option, but last night got to me because i’ve been getting that kind of writer a lot which is . . . a bad look for the jojo fandom who are, as a whole from the ones i’ve interacted with, lovely!!! <3

Anonymous asked: People often forget, the person behind art or writing, is just another regular fan. You deserve to be happy with what you create and we should be thankful you share your talent with us. You also have right to change your main interests, and it's very normal thing. Jojo is one of the MANY things that you write for and all you get from that is a like or share. Its not your job. It's your fun thing to do, in spare time. You haven't betrayed anybody. That person was just rude, selfish and bored.

i am just a person doing my best!!! anime fanfic is one of many interests i have and i already devote a lot of time to it honestly, i love when people tell me they’ve enjoyed something i made bc it makes it feel worthwhile but equally it gets to me a lot when people are rude because i am usually trying my hardest. 

Anonymous asked: Bro that jjba anon... the entitlement🤮 Fam, you write whatever you want to write😤 -Saturday

dfnjbkjnkgf i find most fic readers are NOT entitled at all and are just grateful but when they are . . . oof. 

Anonymous asked: It's funny how people throw "we got you popular" and they think you start apologize and cry. Your writing and passion made you gain few numbers on a follow counter, nothing more. I think I'm too old for stuff like this, we are nothing more, but +1 on a number scale. You ow us nothing, we ow you nothing. Popular... Funny word. You just write for fun of it, fake scenarios about someone's manga characters. It's not that deep. Have fun and don't listen to people like this. I knew it's not that easy, but they are really not that important as they think they are.

extremely fun fact for people who think ‘popularity’ is important to me: i would 100% rather have 10 people who regularly comment, reblog my fics with tags and interact with me than 100 people who read my fic and either leave a like or simply move on. i think this is true for the VAST MAJORITY of writers tbh. i’m glad that people think i am a ‘popular’ blog (i am not in the grand scheme of things, one of my ex-best friends used to run a kpop reader insert blog with like 30,000 followers) bc it gives me an ego boost lmao, but i really just want people to read and enjoy the stuff i write!!! 

Anonymous asked: I followed you a while ago for jojo and when my friends started getting into jjk i was like...eh sounds like work...but now that I see you writing for it I feel really motivated to get into it!!! I really enjoy your writing and I want to be able to read the new stuff too!

ah anon i really hope you like it!!! it’s only one season rn if u wanna watch the anime and there isn’t too much of the manga to catch up on either but it is a lot of fun and it’s nice to be in a fandom that’s like, excited about a new chapter and new plot developments every week!

Anonymous asked: Pls dont reply if u dont want to! <3 I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you or not but this is the kind of thing that often helps me and is the only way I know to try comfort others so I wanted to give it a go~

Now im not gonna say 'dont feel bad pls' bc I know that's not really useful but what I do think is useful is just discussing why that anon and many others feel the need to respond that way. As someone who follows a lot of writing blogs myself and have done for a long time, i've seen my handful of favourite writers come and go for different reasons, lose motivation for a while, gain motivation for a while, go from multi to single fandom, or single fandom to multi. Often times as a reader it can be upsetting when things change but it's also important as a reader to understand that some things aren't in anyone's control, I can't control what my favourite writers become a fan of or lose interest of, I can't control things in their personal lives that may motivate or demotivate them to write, but what I can do is support them as long as they're active, and if they move on to do things i'm no longer interested in or i'm the one that changed interests, rather than being upset that they're evolving to do other things or that they're not evolving with me, I think it's important that I still feel thankful for the works that I enjoyed while we were still on the same page and this is how I personally deal with those negative feelings. I think the anons that lash out at you probably just dont know what to do with themselves, maybe they got attached to your works while you were still only a jjba blog and now that you're evolving they're upset, while I understand how they feel, they're going the completely wrong way about it. I've learned to take these things and turn them into something positive for myself or at least something bittersweet that I can move on from but the anons that lash out at you for whatever reason probably haven't learned this yet. Maybe it's because i've moved on and changed interests a lot myself that I know how these things go for both writers and readers but those anons maybe haven't experienced this as much so they dont know what to do with themselves other than complain that you've changed and throw insults at you in an attempt to get you to revert back. None of this is because of the quality of your writing like they want you to believe, it's literally just because you've evolved and while some of your old followers might not like the new content for no reason other than it not being their cup of tea, it's definitely not regressed at all. You are pumping out a lot of content right now but every single thing i've read has just been better than the last. Things that really stand out to me is how well you get characterisation down to a T and all of your dialogue is just on point and from the pov of a reader I think those things seem the hardest to get right so I am such a huge fan of your stuff at the moment and I can tell you're really putting so much thought and care into each and every fic no matter how fast you're producing it, I think the fact that you're also proud of what you're writing at the moment really shines through as well and I just adore the passion that radiates from every completed request as well as in the responses for the subsequent thirsts resulting from these works that appear in your ask box later (I know i've sent quite a few by now~)

Just to be clear i'm not defending those anons in any way, while I can understand what they might be feeling/why they're reacting in the way they are I still believe it's just so immature to be hateful online point blank. Even during a time where I still got upset with writers if they started doing something else I still never targeted that negativity directly to the writer and sending rude or hateful comments whether on anon or not never something i'd stooped low enough to do even when I still had an immature way of thinking, however, I hope that it might make it a little easier to brush them off if we try and understand what they're really upset about, and that they're just putting the blame for their negative feelings onto the wrong thing rather than coming to terms with change themselves.

hello anon!! i appreciate the long message. i do feel bad for people who have no interest in what i’m currently producing and i get that they feel upset about it; i’ve watched a lot of fellow jojo writers move on completely or just stop posting, honestly. this kind of thing is why i was so intense about asking people if it would be better if i made a separate blog but the resounding answer seemed to be ‘i’m just vibing with whatever happens and i’ll block tags as needed’. 

i often return to works by my favourite reader-insert writers who no longer write for the fandoms i like (and i read stuff bc it sounds interesting or i trust the person who writes it), but change can be difficult and i guess at this point i’ve - whether u like me or not lmao - been a fixture in jojo reader-insert tumblr for a While so it’s probably kind of jarring. 

anyway i really appreciate you and the nice words! <3 

Anonymous asked: hi nat! I just wanted to pop in and say that regardless of what fandom you write for, the love and care you pour into your writing and into interacting with followers who care about your work as well is really obvious. you're doing this for FREE and people should appreciate what you've given us so far, since ultimately this blog should be for you, whatever that means to you at any point in time. it's ok to jump fandoms! the important thing is that you feel good about what you're producing and that it makes you happy. everyone else is just a bonus - but, seeing you on my dash certainly makes me happy : ) I hope you feel better soon!

thank you anon! i’m feeling much better and happier today. birthdays are very difficult for me (i did not think i’d be alive at eighteen, much less 25!) so this event is definitely kind of a way for me to concentrate on something else, and i’m a little bit extra sensitive atm. i appreciate you so much, thank you for the kind words!!! <3

Anonymous asked: Hello! I just wanted to say, write what YOU want and make YOUR writings as long as you'd like. 💖 To the anon who is like "We mAdE yOu FaMoUs dOnt HalF asS iT" stfu, let people do what they wanna do. If you think they half do it, write something better and longer you asshat.

this is an open invitiation to that anon to send me a link to their writing blog and i’ll hype them up i promise <3 

Anonymous asked: nat i'm so so sorry about that ask please know that your older followers don't share the same opinion :( sometimes people forget about the living, breathing person behind the screen smh. you are not a machine. you absolutely should not restrict yourself to posting about one fandom forever. yes, we're first pulled in by your amazing content, but we stay for your wonderful personality and work ethic. please just keep being you, taking up projects you feel comfy with! <333 bless u

ahh thank u anon! unfortunately i actually am a writing robot, i’m sorry u had to find out this way. my jojo chip has been removed, please send it back so i can continue to not half-ass my jojo work. fgnjkbgjkfn thank you so much angel!!! i appreciate you ;_;.

Anonymous asked: i don’t think it’s fair for other people to say shit about what you choose to write about because on tumblr and other writing platforms, writers are constantly developing how they write and the fandoms that they write for. it’s not fair for someone to criticize that “you don’t care about jjba blah blah blah” because you can enjoy new shows/manga. and like you said you’ve grown so much!! proud of you nat and im glad that ive been able to read your works (sincerely other nat)

i am STILL waiting for you to come and fight me other nat fgnjkbnf. it’s nice to be enjoying different things! i am constantly learning new things and reading new works and making new friends and improving and i think that’s important. i do care about jjba - a lot! but i can care about other things too! <3 

Anonymous asked: I may not be one of your oldest followers, but i've been here for almost 3 years. Yes, i started following u for ur jojo content, but let me tell u, ur newfound motivation and enthusiam for other fandoms was honestly contagiuos for me. And i say this as a person who finds very difficult to move from one interest to another. Jojo is great, but so are other fandoms. Please don't let some faceless scum rob u that motivation. This is ur blog and u r always free to write whatever u want.

honestly, i have been there! i am autistic and i have special interests and watching other people move on to stuff i’m not vibing with has made me sad in the past, but i want people to be happy more than anything and sometimes that means new things and change! <3 

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I saw that rude anon message & I just wanted to pop in & say that they're wrong. You're not betraying anyone & you should write whatever it is you want to write. I followed you for jojo & I'm not familiar with the other fandoms that you write for, but personally it makes me SO happy to see you enjoying new things! It's always good to find joy wherever you can, so keep writing what you're interested in. There a lot of ppl who want to see you happy and healthy <3

honestly the idea of it being a GRAND BETRAYAL is so funny, i am just writing anime fanfic here and thriving!!! tysm anon! <3

Anonymous asked: Those anons can piss off! They have no right to judge how long or how short your writing is. If they want longer content write it their damn selves. I think your writing has improved wonderfully and I originally followed for Jojo and I'm enjoying all the content period. I don't even watch jujutsu ( not my cup of tea personally) but I love seeing the creativity and the interactions. You write what makes you happy Nat and that's on that! You don't owe anybody anything! I know how hard writing is and when your consuming new content it's hard to make content for something else. That doesn't mean you don't like it any more your just doing something different for a while. Love you and your content and I'm enjoying the love your putting into your content whether long or short. ♥♥💕 Sending love your way!

honestly my idea of ‘short content’ is still over 1k words, i’m not good at reeling myself in! i guess it’s bc they see like, 1.5k jojo fic versus 5k jjk fic but it’s not that i didn’t enjoy the first fic, just that the point and the story came a lot quicker and so did the natural end! thank you anon, i appreciate you ;_; 

Anonymous asked: Hello! Just wanted to let your know that I think your writing is awesome, and that you should write for whoever and for whatever you want to! You dont have to stay loyal to one fandom or anything, and your followers shouldn't expect that from you! It's not like they are paying you to write, you are doing this for free, and because you enjoy it and it makes you happy! If they dont like your stuff, they dont have to follow you, they can go to other blogs that cater to their taste, and they definitely don't need to be sending you such hurtful comments, and they dont get to make you feel sad about your writing! Just because they followed you during your earlier stages of writing, doesn't mean you owe them some type of loyalty or compensation! You can write literally whatever you want as long as it makes you happy! That's what your hobby and your blog are for! I hope you know that alot of your followers love your work and think that you are an amazing writer and are down to support the work that makes you happiest! 💖💖

ahh thank you so much anon!!! i am always so bowled over by how many people are nice to me when something like this happens, i am sending you my love <3

Anonymous asked: don’t listen to them!! we love you as a writer no matter what you write, because you’re a good person and a talented writer!! you shouldn’t have to change what you write to please a bitter person, and if they only want jjba, they can go to another blog instead of bringing you down. you’re doing amazing and they should be thankful you grace us with your talents!!

to be totally honest, if i was half-assing or not vibing with content i was making i just. wouldn’t post it. like you’d be able to TELL when i was half-assing stuff just to get words out (source: i have re-read my own nanowrimo works). there are lots of great jjba blogs who could do with more followers n interaction!!! i hope they do find them and i hope they’re nice to them :(. 

Anonymous asked: Please don’t pay attention to that anon. People only have that confidence when they have anon turned on. Them looking through your blog despite feeling that way is peak fan behavior and speaks to how addicting your writing is. Naturally, you can’t please everyone and there will be people who are irrational and feel entitled to tell you what to do or what to write no matter what. Trust me when I say they’re a small minority and are more likely probably passing viewers rather than regulars. I check your blog about three or more times a day because I love reading not just your fics but also your takes, banter with other anons, or even random updates. Brainrot posts? LOVE TO SEE IT!!! Desk update? AMAZING!!! With that being said, don’t feel pressured to continue pushing out content for others. Write what makes you happy! You’ve been writing for JJBA for 4 years and it’s completely normal + healthy to get into new media. I’m not sure if it would mean much, but your love for JJK has gotten me excited to start it too!!

anon i really hope you enjoy it!!! sometimes these anons remember stuff i’ve posted and said better than i do tbh, i am living in their heads rent free i guess! 

Anonymous asked: I've been following you for a couple of years and honestly it would always be a joy to see when you posted. Your writing has improved and I'm very happy you're enjoying yourself ! I know it hurts hearing and seeing stuff like that but I'm happy you're here. I'm honestly blessed everytime you post. Your writing is phenomenal. I love reading it even if its characters that I dont care for. You capture their essences so well and weave an amazing tale within the prompts and whatnot. You're amazing nat!

wehh thank you so much!!! re: the improvement, i really don’t feel like it has and then i re-read something i wrote when i first started and i’m like oh my god maybe it has. did i really write about jotaro acting like that. 

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat. I recently became a follower of yours and I'm really saddened to see you get hate. You seem like a genuinely sweet person with amazing talent! I'm a writer myself and, unfortunately, get the same kind of comments. And when you get those comments, it doesn't leave you feeling motivated. People need to understand that people can and will, at times, grow out of fandoms. (1 Not just that but you're doing all of this for free. Again, I'm sorry you got such a comment. But please know that I'm proud of how far you've come. I'm proud that you're living a life that makes you happy. And no matter what fandom you may find yourself in next, I will always enjoy your writing. Take care of yourself. (2 end

HELLO NEW FOLLOWER I LOVE YOU (i get a lot more a day now than i used to and i feel guilty about not being able to look through so many blogs but i do try and follow back other writers for my fandoms!! ;_;). i’m sorry you get the same kind of comments! i’m always just happy to see people i like enjoying new things, even if i have no interest in it (hello to all of my mutuals who write for hunter x hunter and haikyuu, not interested but i’m sure you’re having a great time and i support you!!!). 

Anonymous asked: I'm sure you're getting a barrage of supportive messages now (at least I hope so) but I figured I'd add my voice, because I'm a longtime follower. Your writing is, and always has been, wonderful. I've been so happy to see you and Haz get to a place that works for you both. Idk if it's obvious for everyone, but you seem like you're emotionally in a pretty good place most of the time these days, and it makes me really happy to see that. I followed years ago for JJBA content, but I stayed because regardless of what content you put out, I find your wit delightful. And I'll stick around even if you move fandoms entirely, because whatever content or editorializing you produce is going to be worth reading, regardless of what it's for.

ahh, anon!! thank you for sticking around so long, sorry if you’re old enough to have been around the vore and jorts and spider rohan fiascos! <3 i am definitely a lot more stable than i have been and - barring the Pandemic Related Mental Health Issues - happier! i’m glad that it’s noticeable! <3

Anonymous asked: It actually makes me mad how entitled some people are. Nat, you're not a content creating machine and those who expect you to be are not worth wasting a thought on. Your love for something is not measured in word counts and for you to write every day without getting burned out in the slightest you really must have a burning passion and huge dedication to your craft. If others decide to send hate then allow me to send admiration because I can feel your love and hard work in each post you make!

i try and write every day bc it’s super good for my little ocd/autistic brain to have routines and distract itself, so i’m glad other people can enjoy them because that makes me motivated to carry on! like, i write for myself mostly bc the content i want i sometimes get find, but filling requests and writing for other people also leaves me with happy warm fuzzies too! i appreciate you!! <3 

Anonymous asked: If people only care about your writing for the jojo porn that’s on THEM, not you. Your writing was amazing when I followed about a year ago, and it’s only gotten better and will continue to get better! I think it really comes through when you enjoy what you’re writing and it adds a whole other layer of worth to it, because not only are you making free content but you LIKE that content and we can all gush about it together!!! More than just fans, I think you’ve created a community here and we don’t just stick around to read smut, I promise you that. -Reronon

i do miss having a discord community bc it was nice to talk to everyone in real time but it was hard work, i am glad that people feel like they can just come into my askbox and gush! i’m not very friendly in real life and people tend to think i am cold and stuck up so i work very hard to try and seem friendly and approachable online, which is much easier for me because i get to think and re-draft before i type! <3 

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I’m sure you’re getting a lot of messages like this right now but I just wanted to say for what it’s worth that, as a person who originally followed you for jjba content and hasn’t watched/read any of the other series you’re currently writing for, I’m honestly still along for the ride. This is your blog and you’re allowed to do what you want with it and put out what content you feel like writing. Sometimes??? People acquire new interests??????? Shocking! I know absolutely nothing about jjk or bnha but out of curiosity still read some of your posts about them and even though I might not Get It, I still enjoy them because I think you’re a very talented writer! Honestly, as long as you’re still writing, I’m still down to clown, and whenever you take breaks (which are important!) I’ll still be waiting for your return or supporting and respecting your decision to stay away longer. Don’t let the entitled assholes get you down. Utilize YOUR blog and YOUR space however YOU choose. Your talent and kindness speak for themselves. Love you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

anon i care about you and i am so appreciative of you and everyone for sending me such nice messages! i am running out of ways to say it but it’s true, it really does mean a lot to me ;_; <3

[ninatastic]

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah 

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c: 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food 

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

[imjustyouraveragenoone]

why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did. 

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues. 

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place. 

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles. 

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know. 

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it. 

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU. 

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve. 

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now. 

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels. 

[garfieldsladybird]

it’s all good!! i’m in bed rn and gonna do all my hw tomorrow so i can chill out for sunday and monday :))

what have you been up to??? x

thats amazing!! i need to do homework so bad its concerning. but i hope you have a chill day tomorrow! do you not have school on monday? cuz you say you want to chill that day.. if you dont have school that’s great!!

i havent been up to a lot, but i’ve done a lot this week. its been a long week. it was both good & bad but whatever.

i have nothing else to talk about except this, im sorry! also if you dont want me to talk about this then i won’t. like if your uncomfortable with talking abt relationships then i won’t, if you are ignore whats under this. — :)))) but go to the 2nd paragraph, im talking abt my sister in that. nothing super bad. just a lot of writing :)

so me & my partner, we did kinda slow things down last week and it seemed as if we broke up but over last weekend we started talking again, being friends and then we slowly got back together.. i mean we made it official wednesday! which im really happy about! and we also kissed! omg that was so unexpected when it happened but im so glad it did!! <33 and yeah we are doing good!!

as for myself, im doing pretty good! so that was the good part of my week ^ with my partner, the bad was with my sister. so i made this post but more happened during this week. im not gonna shit on her tho. (like just talk shit about her and tell all of you of what happened bc i dont think thats necessary) but she said some mean things about me online to her friends in a group chat that i was in and also @ me in the message so i would see (notification thing) which i did and i also screenshot the message bc from what i learned when someones talking shit online take a pic of it for proof and so i did, and only a minute or two later it was deleted. but me, her and our mom talked, and my mom told us to tell her 4 things why the other person is bothering us. and the things my sister was saying of why she was mad at me was mostly her saying that she was jealous (my mom even said so) bc most of it went to one of our friends spending to much time talking to me and to me hanging out with my partner all the time. and there was also me telling her every morning to get a snack for school but then when lunch comes around, she’s hungry and i dont know what to tell her, so she goes and gets food, comes back complains abt having to wait in a line for 10 mins and im like, thats on you love.

but bc of this, our mom told us to ignore each other. and we did, for like a day but the whole week we have been ignoring each other really. so we did. and today we have talked, not about the situation and whats really wrong but we have a conversation about clothes, i was complimenting the dress she’s wearing today, its so cute!! but yeah, it just a sibling thing. i still think me & her need to talk about a few things tho. like from what im getting is that she might feel left out bc im not doing stuff with her and im hanging out with other ppl. but our my mom did tell her when she told mom the 4 things that i was allowed to have my partner (she said partner’s name but yeah) and other friends too, like she has other friends too. the only thing i dont get is why she says she hates him, she told me that before this week started but still i feel like she might be saying that bc im with him. but when i ask why, she doesn’t give me an actual reason, she just says she hates love.

also remember 4th period boy? yeah, so me and him are friends now, we have been but yesterday- well actually on like wednesday i got a flower from my girl partner and when i came into class with it, he asked if it was a gift and i said yeah, he asked from who and i said my partner, so he knows- and so yesterday he told me that he liked me // likes me and i told him that i liked him, and so he knows that he could’ve had a shot but blew it by friend-zoning me. LMAO 🤣😭 i can’t believe that but i am happy with my partner!

also basically i have two partners so i am poly but the relationship i have with the female is fluid and when i asked what that means, she told me that if we want something more in this relationship then something more can happen, so it kinda feels platonic but i love them!! i love both of em!! and they are both gender fluid, just to mention! :)) i dont think i will be talking about female partner a lot unless i do but ill tell you, as for down below, talking about male partner :)))

but as for today, its going good!! i am in my 6th period now, i started this in my 4th p. and at lunch i was busy so im finishing this now. i dont have play rehearsal today so i might just go home after school, do the homework i badly need to get done and yeah! at lunch, i was watching die hard which i’ve never watched and its his favorite movie, so we had already started it but its 2 hours long, and basically i was laying on him, back against chest, laptop on my lap, and he was kissing my neck!!! UHGGH I LOVED IT!! <333 IT WAS AMAZING!!!

im sorry! i have to geek about this tho, i have like no one to gossip too!! but ignore all of that if it makes you uncomfortable okay.

i love youu!! and i miss talking to you, it feels like it’s been a long week! it really has been though. and now the weekend is coming so ill talk to you more then!! yk ;) <333 im pretty sure this about the time you go to bed so goodnight lovie!! sweet dreams!! 😽😽💗💗 (also do you want to be my squirrel 🐿?)

[boku-no-meme-academia]

I saw you vague posting about k uri k uri on twitter and was wondering what exactly they did???

is it vagueposting if i explicitly stated her name...?IM GLAD U ASKED. ANON. BC IM STILL MAD ABOUT IT Hok like so,,,,twitter about 8 months ago???? actually maybe 9-10 months ago...it was whenever i was in the middle of writing my fake marriage fic, we got alongish??? like she commented on my fics and stuffwell obviously one of the things in my fic is homophobia, and in the fic it was mentioned along the lines that lgbt stuff isnt..u know, like the same it is in the U.S? im not saying the U.S is gay paradise--far from it--but the U.S recognizes gay ppl and shit like that and japan doesn't. theyre not as open about that stuff. thats a fact. anyways she took issue w that and i was like ok ok cool cool its a difference of opinion i guessthen another issue with an author popped up where they headcanoned mic as half-american, and she took issue with that and said smth like, ppl who are half-white are "whitewashed" versions of their other ethnicity, and i, as a half-white half-mexican kid, took issue with THAT, but it ended kind of peacefully u know. we kinda just stopped talking to each other. didn't interact.and then weeks or months later i dont remember, she started a thread about plagiarism. keep in mind this was when there were, say, 300 fics in the erasermic tag, and she wrote a good portion of them. she said something along the lines that obviously, since she is so big and so very popular, lots of people have unconciously copied her works, since she is the erasermic god and fics with even remotely the same headcanon as hers are Obviously Plagiarizing. she posted a screenshot straight from my fic and was like "see this author was obviously influenced by me and unknowingly plagiarized me right here"look. thats an understandable Author Worry(tm) if someone is actually copying u. but here's the thing. the lines kuri compared werent even similar. the only thing they had in common was the same headcanon, the same idea. u want to know the very rare, uncommon headcanon that was patented by kuri and can only be used by her? that mic is more affectionate than aizawa. sorry guys. everyone who has that headcanon has been plagiarizing her :(ANYWAYS when that happened ppl got mad. my friends, and the folks in the Discord(tm). but i...never really got to be mad about it, i feel. it feels like my friend deandre had all the anger, and he and dave both went off on her, and yeah i was the one who initially brought it up but i never got to be angry about it the same way everyone else did. i had -10 followers and she had 500 and i felt like if i actually got upset about it all 500 would come after me.so ive always been kind of upset about it but then she was brought up again today and it ignited the Rage(tm) and recently i havent been caring about reeling my anger in when people are being shit. im being Angry now. anger is fueling me today. it is the cause behind my actions. i won one(1) game of dodgeball today. it was great.now all that aside, if any one of u--any 11,800 of u--goes after her im blocking the SHIT out of u lmao. dont Do That. this is just me venting.

[myfucking-illusion]

pt II of that giant stupid text about me venting, pls skip it, sorry to put this on y'all dashes, im sending more love for all of you <33

another thing she did that really bothers me until today also happened in 2019, i didnt have friend on the new city (still dont have lol) so my bf would take me out with him and his friends so i could... try to make friends, one day i met this wonderful girl who received me with her arms wide open, she was really sweet. when i got home i told my best friend everything i did that night and this girl i met and how awesome she was (this time i wasnt aware of what she did/was doing to my relationship and i used to tell her about every step i took), she got so mad at me, she has put so many flaws on that girl, all bc she had green, short hair. im not jk, she used it as an excuse to why she believed that girl wasnt good for me.

ok, i got mad, but ok. couple months later i went to a party with my bf and dressed like a 19 yo girl, tight clothes, heels, heavy make up, things like that, things that are NORMAL when you are 19 yo and is going to a party on a friday night. i posted a pic that night on instagram and she was SO MAD, but SO MAD about my clothes, the party, everything, she said i was looking like a slut, that "those people" had changed me and it was my bfs fault, he wasnt good for me, she said i was embarassing my parents with that clothes and how could my mother not say a thing about this?, she said i was different and i was turning into something i was not bc of "those ppl" influences, she said 100 times i was weak and influenceable. it all happened on march/2020. after this the pandemic arrived and everything got even worse.

this episodes i told are just a few things that lead me to think better about our friendship, besides that our conversations never meet, but it's ok, the problem is she doesnt accept that i dont have the same thoughts she has, that i'm not 15 anymore, i have different opinions, she makes a storm bc i'm not that girl that makes everything about harry styles, feminism and social fights, nowadays i have different opinions about EVERYTHING, i grew up, i studied about feminism and things i used to defend and now i think differently and she cant stand that, she doesnt understand my jokes, she wants to lecture me about anything i tell her, it is worse than my mom. i'm afraid of telling her things and she sends bad energies towards me, i truly am afraid of that. i cant talk to her about it bc she is so full of herself that anything i say that isnt alligned with what she believes than im 100% wrong.

i really wish i could sit with her and say "hey, i really like you, i want to fix it, i admit i havent been the best friend for a long time, let's fix it" i wish i could tell her everything she did that hurt me without feeling like she is going to point all of her 10 fingers at me and i wish she could do the same. i dont want to lose this friendship.

my bf, my mom, that other girl who she doesnt like but is a very good friend, other friends i had on the old town, all of them told me she is problematic, she manipulates me and i never believed, im really hurt with what she did to my relationship, mainly bc my boyfriend is such a good guy, he is so good to me and we have an amazing relationship, he is the one i want to live with and i cant believe it almost ended bc of her... someone who was supposed to be my side, to warn me ofc but not ruin me, she was supposed to be there with me, knowing him aswell and being happy for me, she was the complete opposite.

sorry againnnnnnnnn theres another coming LMFAO DONT HATE ME PLEASE

[cleohn]

﹤𝚂𝙾𝙽 𝙽𝙰𝙴𝚄𝙽, 𝚂𝙷𝙴 / 𝙷𝙴𝚁, 𝙲𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴﹥; * - hello CLEO AHN. long time no see. i know a lot about you. like how you're TWENTY THREE, how you're a DANCE major,  and in fact.. how you BURNED DOWN YOUR FAMILY ESTATE FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY, ACCIDENTALLY KILLING A TV REPAIR MAN THAT WAS INSIDE. would be a shame if it got out, wouldn't it ? so let's play a game. 𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷 𝙾𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴 ?

ahhh shit here we go again ... clown town ...... 

BACKSTORY

old money baby !! for those of u who have seen gossip girl …. u know nates grandpa …. the vanderbuilts…. thats her mom’s side of the family JSBDJWBJWD those of u who havent all u gotta know is that her grandpa (mom’s dad) is this super rich very old fashioned family oriented man -__-  he had 4 sons and 1 daughter (cleo’s mom) and very obviously favored his sons 

anyway he was always super hard on cleo’s mom !! very controlling of her life, very judgmental abt her choices, even though cleo’s mom was super desperate for his approval so she …. kinda revolved her life around what he wanted for her but it was never good enough </3 her mom literally married a doctor just to make this dumb old man happy and he was like ok hes not a surgeon though so … 

anyway cleo watched all this as she grew up and she was .. come se dice NOT happy abt it !! she was always super close and protective of her mom (not really close to her dad that much considering her mom really only married him for approval and safety) and she was always trying to get her mom to be like fuck the family !!! but her mom never did

and cleo’s grandpa never lightened up even as he got older … which was starting to give cleo some anxiety bc he was bound to die sooner or later and she was super nervous he was gonna be stingy abt his money and divide it unfairly giving more to his sons and very little to his daughter even though his daughter did everything this man wanted !!

so cleo started scheming….bc shes always been the type to be self sufficient like when she wants things to get done ? shes gonna do it herself ! she doesnt wait around for stuff to just fall into place also shes kinda impatient aha so she wasnt abt to just WAIT for her grandpa to die and see what his will said….

her first plan was just to steal the will. but then she was like ok not thinking big enough…..how can i make sure we get our money……then it all clicked. their family estate ….this old ass mansion…..where the whole family gathers for thanksgiving and christmas and her grandpa’s bday….she was gonna stage a little accident x

she was eighteen when she burned that baby to the ground ! she was methodical abt it like she did her research on their insurance plan, on how that money would be divided equally among the family automatically bc they were all listed as owners, she even looked up how to set the fire and where so it would look like an accident and not like an intentional burning….

cleo did all that and yet she failed to realize that their was a tv repair guy coming over to fix a problem with the wifi that day /: the worst part is she didnt even find out she accidentally killed someone bc there were no reports abt it like all the headlines mentioned was how this family estate that had stood for generations had tragically burned down </3

so cleo went off to college, majored in dance despite her grandpa pushing for all his grandchildren to have practical majors bc she refuses to bend to his will the way her mom did, and all was well…..for the first two years.

then comes christmas of her junior year of college where her grandpa gets too drunk and lets it slip he’d covered up a DEATH the day of the fire. cleo was like im sorry can u repeat that…and he lets the family know that there was a repair guy inside the house when it went up in flames and that he paid off the police in order to avoid being sued by the dead man’s family since all the reports were saying the estate had outdated electrical and thats why it caught fire

thats when cleo realized she fucked up <3 not only did she burn down their estate she also KILLED A MAN and it’s her fault it got covered up and that his family will never get closure bc she made it look like the estate had fucked up electrical when she set the fire in order to be able to get the insurance money 

so that was really fun for her junior and senior year have been so great for her <3 shes great <3 JSDBWBDJWBDJW

ok now moving to personality..

PERSONALITY AND TIDBITS 

cleo’s super protective over the ppl she loves (like her mom) and can be loyal to a fault !! will go to extremes to protect those she really cares about (like burning the estate down aha) but the second u cross her shes not quick to forgive and she will hold a grudge til the day she dies /: 

shes stubborn like super stubborn….the type of person that u cant force to do anything or change their opinion abt anything like if its not her choice ? shes not gonna do it JSBDWBDWBDJ has a tendency to not want to admit when she fucks up bc she’s a high key perfectionist so when she does fuck up shes like ok cool i’ll just die do not even look at me dont even talk about it

kinda over caring about what kind of an impression she gives off. like there are probably lots of people who when they first met her thought she was a bitch bc she likes to mind her business and can act kinda dry when she doesnt know you but cleo would just let them keep thinking that forever shes not here to change ppls minds 

if u do take the time to get to know her though ur gonna realize shes a lot nicer than she looks JSDBWBDBWJ and a lot less stuck up than u would think someone who comes from so much money would be. she never got the chance to develop into a spoiled brat since she was the black sheep of all her cousins <3 thank u grandpa 

speaking of being the black sheep. JDBWJBDJWBD she will take….any opportunity these days to piss her grandfather off. has a tendency to pull of crazy stunts like get herself arrested on a public nudity charge or order cases of dom perignon and have them delivered to the dining hall just bc she can. most of the time when ppl hear abt the things she does they dont believe cleo would have actually done something like that bc she really does not have a wild child vibe about her …. at all 

and shes not one JSBDWBDWJ like she parties a normal amount. if u ever see her doing something crazy 99% of the time she’s doing it to make someone mad or doing it because someone told her not to, and then the other 1% of the time shes doing it to cope with the fact that shes a murderer JSBDJWBJDWD

pretty liberal when it comes to sex but shes also not the type to always put her business out there. if u ask she’ll let u know but thats that ! also not a fan of drama of any sort if she has a problem she’ll let u know & expects others to do the same 

she loves to dance hehe she’s been a ballerina since she was 4 (it was the one hobby her mom made her do that actually stuck) and thats really like…..her true source of joy shes never happier than she is when shes dancing <3 literally does not care when ppl ask her wtf shes gonna do with that bc shes having fun babey and shes got money she doesnt need a real degree….. JSBDWBDWJDWJ

she looooves to dress nice. if ur chara dresses sloppy or ugly shes gonna buy them a designer fit and ask that they wear it just so things can look aesthetically pleasing JSBDJWBDBWJDBJWBDJWBJ she loves her aesthetics….probably a bitch that has a bullet journal and actually keeps up with it 

loves to karaoke but she only ever sings 80′s songs and shes gotta be wasted first … a cat person !! but tries to make exceptions for the sake of everyone else… allergic to peanuts like deadly allergic she will die…coffee addict but she pretends to be a tea person just so she can post those cute pics on insta but then every time she makes tea shes like this shits nasty…loves rom coms she will defend rom coms and claim they are the superior movie genre til the day she dies if u even mention tarantino she will kill u on sight…..idk what else to say im running out of juice this is the end x pls plot x

[aerisse-remade]

literally just me complaining abt vocaloid/its fanbase

ok i got a good starting point so its Time to Complain

before i start complaining im just gonna say that some of these were taken from my ooooold pet peeves posts on tvs that i made in like. 2013. so if you see those now, keep in mind that i may no longer be bothered by certain things or ive just become less harsh in general. but some of them i still agree w obv. also i dont mind if anyone who actually reads this wants to add on to this post or to start a discussion (pls do!!!! i love hearing others thoughts) but pls either send me an ask, an im, or just reply bc i dont want to have a long chain of reblogs

also sorry again @ app users

i really cant stand certain headcanons, but the absolute worst ones are that the male vocaloids are huge perverts or even pedophiles....or any vocaloid in general. leave them alone!!!! why do u hate certain vocaloids so much that youd call them a fucking pedophile??? pedophilia isnt cute or funny, its fucking disgusting. and this might be very presumptuous of me but if you hc any vocaloid as a pedo you're disgusting too. [also if any pedos are reading this (bc i know some of you freaks go into the search) if you interact with this post or me at all, you'll be reported and blocked]

i also hate when ppl call any vocaloid (or ANY character for that matter) shotas or lolis. bc yknow...those terms are rooted in pedophilia, and once again pedophilia isnt cute or funny. like this literally isnt up for debate, if you try to defend that shit you'll also be reported and blocked

listen....i know vocaloids dont have canon sexualities so all hcs are valid...but when ppl hc luka or mayu as straight i die. i mean i hc most of the vocaloids being lgbt+ but especially luka and mayu. luka is like the biggest lesbian and mayu is also gay af

this one might be controversial?? idk but it kinda bothers me when ppl take a japanese vocaloid, change their skin colour, and then say theyre poc now. like japanese ppl arent white so werent they poc before?? like im genuinely confused. is the term poc for nonwhite ppl in general or specifically for darker skinned nonwhite ppl? bc ive seen both ways. also the issue here isnt making a pale vocaloid darker (bc im all for that!!! we need darker vocas) in general, its just when ppl imply that japanese ppl are white ig. (if you cant tell already im white, so if i said smth wrong, please correct me!)

i hate when ppl whitewash leon and lola. like ik they dont have official designs, but they are still canonically black (not to mention the whitewashed designs for them are ugly af....especially white, blond hair + blue eyes leon). also i dont like whitewashed merli, wil, bruno, and clara either

speaking of bruno and clara, i hate how even their official designs were whitewashed due to racists complaining abt their old designs!!! like. ppl literally sent death threats to the artist of their original designs

i hate pikos design. its not even anything in particular, his whole design is just ugly imo

i hate yohioloids boxart. i absolutely cant stand the way the artist drew his face, it looks like that generic straight girl fujoshi anime artstyle. i hate it lmao

this one also might be a big no-no but i honestly cant stand the western producers' fanbases? i cant even get into most of the western producers works. i like ghost as a person (they seem pretty cool), and i like their instrumentals, but i dont like the vocals/rhythm of most of their songs? and their fanbase is just....annoying. they treat ghost like a god or smth (which they themself is uncomfortable with!!) and idk basically im just tired of seeing ppl shit themselves over communications. this isnt supposed to be hate either, im just genuinely confused nd tired. also circusP's fanbase is also annoying bc i feel like his songs appeal to edgy 12 yr olds (like circus monster and insanity) who constantly spam his comments sections with "lol im psycho too!!!". i havent looked into his comments sections for a while now so if this has changed then im glad ig

when ppl call galacos hair rainbow....like, blonde, brown, yellow, red, and blue dont make a rainbow. mayus hair is rainbow tho!!

speaking of mayus hair, it bothers me when ppl forget she has rainbow hair?? especially fanartists. i understand if you know she has rainbow hair but you didnt include it bc its hard to colour in. its ok. but like....straight up forgetting?? im confused how do yall not notice it

also when ppl think mayus bday is December 5th. like yeah its her release date but her canonical bday is may 6th. pls im so tired of ppl saying "happy bday mayu!!!" on dec 5th but nobody saying shit on her actual bday....

also this might b petty but i dont like how most ships involving mayu are het. Let Her Be Gay

when ppl say mayu is a ritsu rip off...,like the only design similarities they have are those little hat things and the piano motif. thats it. also they were designed by the same person (hidari) so ofc theyre gonna have some similarities

this might be elitist of me but when ppl claim to be "vocaloid trash" or hardcore voca fans yet they dont know who unpopular vocas like big al and mew are. also when these same ppl (those who claim to be hardcore fans) cant even name a single producer

recolours and genderbends. u know what im talking abt...,the bs "shion family" or mikuo, luki, etc. theyre boring tbh

also when ppl think kaitos last name is canonically shion....like he doesnt have a last name. same with meiko being sakine. meiko sakine is a fanloid, not the actual voca meiko

obnoxious fangirls/boys in general. yknow, the "lenkun is mine!!! xdddd" kind. pls...,.grow out of that phase already...

ppl who call vy2 roro. or ppl who think thats his canon design. pls im so tired

ppl who think gumi extend/lily/cul/merli/etc look like "sluts". like bye

ppl who draw/make mmd models of voca appends, yet their "append" design is exactly like mikus

ppl who dont source their art or dont source it properly. zerochan and weheartit are not sources.,,,

ppl who complain abt there being "too many vocaloids". like vocaloid isnt even marketed to you, theyre marketed towards music producers lmao. let producers have a wide selection range

ppl who think vocaloid is a weeb thing. like yall will call literally anything japanese weeb shit. like....not all vocaloids are even japanese. and even if they were, smth being japanese nd having anime styled mascots doesnt automatically make it for weebs. vocaloid is a professional software. im so tired of seeing ppl like "omg im such a weeb im listening to vocaloid" or "im reliving my weeb days by listening to vocaloid" or "if u listen to vocaloid ur a weeb" fuck outta here w that bs

now this is a personal thing, but i just cant stand voca crossovers with mlp..,,im so tired of everything being ponified

ppl who hc rin and len as siblings AND ship them. like its fine to ship them if u dont hc them as siblings but if you do....,yall nasty. incest is nasty

i really dont like kailen, kaimi, yuki/kiyoteru, kairin, gakurin, etc. theres more ships i dont like but i'll probably make another post abt that sometime

honestly i dont really care for most f/m amd m/m ships in general? gimme the wlw

ppl who ship the child vocas  (ryuto, yuki, una, oliver) with adult vocas without aging them up. i mean even if its aged up its still kinda weird but not aging them at all is Bad

....also heres a super petty and personal one. when ppl say that white ppl cant kin/id with most vocaloids. like some white kid thinking theyre miku is in no way comparable to actual real world racism. as long as theyre not claiming to actually be another race it shouldn't matter. get mad over smth that actually matters lmao

basically just kin drama in general. like its fine to be uncomfortable w doubles but like....dont harrass them or send them hate or anything. let them be

also ppl who take vocaloid at face value and cant have fun. ykno, those ppl who are like "how do yall ship software and make headcanons for them?? get a life lol". like hey. its fun. let us be

theres probably more but i cant think of them rn. if i do think of more i'll just compile them into another post and call it part 2 or smth lmao

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[thesanguinecrow]

How ya doin my pal, wanna aloborate on those posts ye made there? (Obviously you don't have too, but I hope those feelings pass soon/ whatever caused them is resolved)

hey there my dearanon!

In reference to these posts: 

TLDR: person who kinda led me on but i care about a lot isrefusing to accept help, other ppl are irritating, and im livid

so this summer i started talking more withthis guy who i find physically attractive that i met last school year who whenfirst laying his eyes upon me he turns and is in awe like he just saw a goddessand proceeds to give me multiple hugs. everything seemed great we had goodconversations and it got really compliment heavy and, probably not exactwording but, he said “would it be crazy to say i might like you” but nonethe less still acting as if he said he did. (quick side note: what the fuck doyou mean maybe) me being the lonely ass i am seeing a golden opportunity ofoutlet for the intense love i can and want to provide goes for it but lemmestress that maybe.

things go on and we cool we chill but then hebrings up that he did the do with his childhood friend the day he startedtalking to me and the same day he said he “might” like me (kindairrelevant but he was in Oregon at thattime and I was in Los Angeles) i tell him im hurt i thought i was special toyou and i guess i still am but whatever (low key feel like this wasmanipulative) and hes like yeah you are special and important but it all justkinda crashed and dissolved from there 

but the thing is i get, i feel, unhealthilyattached and i still got this torrent of emotion flowing through me im alsohella codependent. he has coping issues and often resorts to shitty copingmethods like empty relationships, weed, and alcohol and i dont want to see himfuck up his life like i want to help him through his issues and not spiral intoshit he can have a good life. 

one day he calls me and hes like i dont feelgood i feel like imma pass out n shit ive been telling him for the past coupledays to stop relying on those things its not healthy i tell him to eat well andstop living off energy drinks then he hangs up outta no where and i get ignoredfor like half an hour im here thinking holy crap hes passed out on the floorand then  he calls back soundin all fine an dandy. eventually we stoptalking and he actually stopped using his phone entirely still to this day so ihave no way of contact outside of school. 

school starts again and i try to start thingsup i still wanna help him i talk and ask hows he doin and he got a littlebetter he opens up about his afflictions but hes refusing to accept my help andi know i cant force him to accept it and he doesnt need to talk to me about itbut he still keeps using this shitty coping mechanisms to avoid his problemsand doesnt get help and im screaming its not like wine where itll all be fine.things like this can rot, boil, and fester creating something horrible beyond mymind to currently describe. 

one of my friends has confronted him and toldhim that he should be more careful about his actions and how they affect othersand that people (specifically mentioning me) care a lot about him to which hereplies so and so just wants you to hate me and its not that bad (but ithonestly is that bad from what hes told me and what ive seen) 

disclaimer im conflicted and kinda feel like i haveno right to have gotten so livid. today i saw him with his girlfriend, a statuscoming out of no where, and my other friend tells it was based on a bet and hehas little to no actual attraction for her and at this point idk if have rightto be mad. i dont necessarily want to be in a relationship with him right nowbut i dont want him to be using empty relationships and people as copingbecause thats a shitty thing to do and its not fixing the problem and i get solivid. 

that was part one. part two is about myadvanced fashion class but not to get so into detail about that i havent madeprogress for like a week i have so many outfits to finish and am feelinginadequate and my classmates and the teacher can sometimes be difficult. 

sorry for the hella long rant still bitter butive cooled off considerably from right when it went down. i should probablyjust let him go. i care i tried but maybe its just best i leave it. i dont havetime to have to deal with this kinda stress

i love you so much foryour concern and well blessings i wish you well precious anon