#but it feels embarrassing to put it into writing because im not like. diagnosed by a professional

[ableedingpromise]

GUYS I DIDNT CHOKE TO DEATH IM SO HAPPYYYYYYY

[sneakertin]

auughhhrh. i think i have adhd but. maybe i don't. idk. i don't wanna self diagnose but at this point im torn between thinking "there's no fucking way i don't have it" and "but what if i don't". getting a diagnosis is Impossibly difficult and stressful and expensive and we barely have any even remotely working medication where i live so it's not really an option for now. but if i do have it then that means there's an explanation for everything that's wrong with me and it all has a reason and it's not something I'm personally responsible for. but if i don't then that means that im just a lazy stupid nobody with no ambitions. which would be very sad but goddamn there are way too many symptoms to even consider myself being neurotypical. for some reason i feel like it's getting worse and worse everyday but that's probably because i just started uni and there's a lot of change in my life and i haven't been getting enough sleep lately cus i physically can't fall asleep before midnight or sometimes even later but i have to wake up at six. and also because there's a thing that constantly stresses me out at all times(calculus) that i feel like i genuinely can't do anything about even if i try really hard. but i just constantly feel like I'm not in control of my own brain. focusing is so damn hard and even when i do focus i loose it very quickly and end up just bouncing back and forward trying to keep my mind in one place. when i try to read something for homework it feels like my eyes just don't wanna look at the screen and i have to force them not to look away. every couple of minutes or less my thoughts drift away and i only notice it afterwards. when i try to sit down and watch a calculus lecture in hopes of understanding this little personal hell of mine i feel soooo frustrated it almost feels like physical pain and i just turn it off after two minutes. i can't do anything and i don't want to. every task feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. I'm so irresponsible. i keep ignoring or putting off stuff that i need to do and someday the consequences will catch up to me. i don't wanna study. i just wanna do only the stuff that i like all the time. i wanna waste money and go to pretty cafes and buy snacks and be on the internet and watch my fav shows and read fanfiction and read books and analyse literature and watch movies and cry because of them and watch video essays and sometimes cook and clean and draw and draw and draw all the time. which is so embarrassing because im so privileged. i have the chance to get education and yet i feel like I'm not grateful enough and i feel so guilty for being so lazy all the time. im not saying that i wanna drop out, no. but the situation is that I'm not studying what i wanted rn but I'm gonna transfer to where i want at the end of the semester but that means i have to study all these subjects that i despise and don't understand at all and somehow not get expelled till january.

ok, so, i started writing this when i was a bit overstimulated but now that i have written my thoughts down i feel like things are fine now and i feel better. urghh. i don't even know if should post this now. that's so embarrassing, why am i so dramatic.

anyway. but i do fuck up things in my life very often because i put off things that i don't wanna do. when i had my extremely important school exams that would determine whether i get into uni or not, i barely even studied for them. i only did like a day/half a day of active studying for each subject. i kept procrastinating even when that fucking exam that some people have mental breakdowns over was due to be the next day. i did get into uni, but not into the course that I wanted, because my exam results were not quite enough. but that wasn't really a problem because i could've easily transferred to where i want at the very start of the semester, but. i kept putting it off and it turned out you can only do that during the first two weeks and now I'm in the situation that I've described earlier. and don't even get me started on the shitshow that happened when i was in driving school. and it was all entirely my fault. and school in general have always been difficult for me but in school i could get away with not doing anything cus im not stupid, and i even had good grades. but that doesn't work in uni cus in uni they don't teach you anything, you learn everything yourself, and i quite literally can't study. adhd medication sounds like a dream, honestly. you take a pill and suddenly you can function like a normal person and work for hours and even enjoy it. how fucking cool is that.

so ehmm. i don't really have anything to say, just wanted to write. something. don't mind me, really :)

wait, no. i just remembered why i wrote all this. so, I'm kind of addicted to tiktok, which is my greatest curse and i accidentally got into fucking "studytok" and now my fyp is filled with happy american uni students studying for 12 hours straight and talking about obscure studying techniques with weird names and all of that is just. so. from another realm from me, honestly. how do they do that. am i even the same species as them

[nian-7]

Heyo, I think matchup reqs are open but if not feel free to ignore (⁠・⁠–⁠・⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ

If it's alright I'd like a romantic and platonic match up for Pjsk and bsd (if not just romantic/ pjsk is fine)

Info:

My names Karma

I'm a minor, 17

I'm afab but I'm Genderfluid and use all pronouns

I'm pretty short for my age, 5’1 the last time I checked unfortunately, sobs. I don't get out much besides going to work for money so I'm pale as hell. I have freckles pretty much everywhere not a whole lot but they're definitely noticeable. I am cursed with a baby face, it gets better when I put on my glasses though, im cursed with terrible vision, I'm not allowed to drive without my glasses it's that bad

My hair is a shaggy wolf cut with curtain bangs, I'm a natural blonde but I always dye my hair ginger cause it's my favorite look on me (I'm trying to look like Chuuya cause I love him sm)

I'm an INFP-T, I'm also Asexual and Panromantic (slightly woman leaning but not an insane amount) I dress in dark academia style almost always: cardigans, sweater vests, long over coats paired with sweaters underneath. I'm very much trying to be that person you fall in love with in the book store 

When I'm in public alone I am very much socially awkward and anxious. I keep to myself and I am terrified of causing trouble for anyone

I tend to be drawn to more loud people; or more like popular/louder people adopt me out of the blue and I go along with it (which is funny considering I'm usually quiet) 

Once I've warmed up with people I very much match energys with whoever I'm with, typically just trying to make friends laugh. I value people's happiness very much

If we're out at a mall or something I'm quieter, but in private I can get very loud 

I also have a very close group of online friends all over the world (Some of us are meeting up soon and I'm very excited)

A lot of people have said that I also have big sister vibes

I do have diagnosed Anxiety and depression, typically I try not to let anyone see that side of me. I can spiral a bit into episodes where I just kind of ghost people and ride out whatever feelings I'm dealing with, then come back about 3-6 days later

I don't really do well with anger in general, weather it be my own or other people's

I also don't really have any appetite most of the time (I'm not sure if it's medical or not) but this can cause me sometimes to get super dizzy out of nowhere because I've forgotten to eat/drink 

I'm a digital artist, and I actually write fanfiction on Tumblr as well. I absolutely love cats, I’d talk about my cat Hazel for hours if I could (She's mean to me but I still love her </3) I also really like Vocaloid/Hatsune Miku music (kinda not surprising considering pjsk lol), I don't usually mention it in person though cause it's embarrassing to explain that shes just a singing hologram

I also have a fox obsession, I own a huge fox plush that takes up a designated corner of my room lol

I don't mind most things personality wise in people, but I do wish to be respected obviously

I like someone I can poke fun at casually and who can poke fun at me as well

My love language is big gift giving (wether it be buying or drawing occasionally) and physical affection (Cuddles always ╥⁠﹏⁠╥)

I've gotten tones of jokes that I only go for gingers, but I have zero preference for looks

I'm an overly patient person and get a little annoyed when people aren't as patient (but it's not a complete put off or anything) 

I also am very much someone who has to be on time. If I am not on time I lose it a bit

I think that's all (Maybe too much ´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`)

But thank you so much in advance! I hope you have an amazing day/week 💟

hi, anon! i haven't read bsd in a while so i'm a little rusty so i only did prsk. hope you still enjoy!

I match you with... (platonically)

Saki Tenma!

-The biggest thing for you to be matched with Saki was the big sister vibes that you mentioned. The dynamic would just be too cute to pass up on!

-I tried to pick a more 'loud' or extroverted person and although I decided to opt for Saki instead of Tsukasa, I think you both would mesh together even when she's not necessarily as loud as her brother.

-Saki is like the person you can fall back onto in social situations when you get anxious. She doesn't mind taking the lead and helping you out when you get nervous.

-She's not someone who gets angry often and tries to be there for you when you ghost her or others. She tries her best to understand what you're feeling and tries to sympathize with you.

-You both having the same energy is something that would make the whole friendship mesh well and she has the capabilities to be calmer or quieter if needed.

I match you with... (romantically)

Shizuku Hinomori!

-Although Shizuku is somewhat different than Saki, I think she's the best match overall. The physical affection she gives to you is one of the big factors.

-As someone who enjoys pda/affection, Shizuku would love to cuddle or hold hands with you all the time. She kisses you in public and just loves to be near you.

-She loves the gifts you give her as well no matter what they are. She'll always gush about them whenever someone asks about something relating to it (whether that embarrasses you or not).

-She's a very light teaser and it comes off more lovingly than anything but she enjoys it when her partner gives her attention through light teasing too.

-Although a bit airheaded, she's treating you similarly to Shiho. Asking always if you're hungry or thirsty, being the talker in public if you need it, etc. She just gives you more romantic affection than sisterly affection (obviously)

[mashiee]

blyke hcs?

RIGT OK SO

blyke is THE definition of catboy. im sorry if you dont want to hear it but he literally is. he is THE catboy

afab trans man demiboy

he/they pronouns or he/him depending on what i want him to use that day

bisexual

also has fangs, but unlike johns, his are more the kind that are meant to actually tear, rather than puncture. so basically, if he and john had a fight with solely their teeth for some reason, blyke would win

usually very scuffed up and has bandages or something of the sort on him because he gets in the middle of any fight he sees to try and stop it. even outside of school. doc doesnt hate him nearly as much as john but hes not that far

lots of freckles across his nose, shoulders, and ears

blushes super easily even the tips of his ears

his face just gets super red easily in general. when embarrassed, cold, angry, etc

he has braces!!! his teeth are really fucked

along with his fangs, he also has snaggleteeth. his fangs are behind those. like either on the other side of them to the back, or the snaggleteeth are literally growing on top/above of the fangs. not sure which i prefer

he also has two decently sized gaps (about the size of maybe like a toothpick and a 1/2?) between his snaggleteeth and the teeth next to them towards the front

and he has wider/longer than usual front teeth. i believe theres a name for it but i dont remember what its called and iirc it might have been used as an insult so im just not gonna look it up anyway

hes also insecure about his braces, dont bring them up to him. if he brings them up first its fine, but u cant do it first

peanut allergy

height is anywhere from 5'5 to 5'8 to me depending on the day

somewhere between masculine and androgynous for his personal image and the way he presents

wants top surgery, unsure about bottom surgery

currently wears binders (and sports bras for anything active)

anger issues

or maybe ied instead? (cus isnt rlly the same as "anger issues" because it's uncontrollable)

doesnt have a dad

his mom had him at 19 on her own, she told the dad who she had been dating at the time but he left her

her name is Meinya. sometimes her friends call her nya-nya

blyke was born as a twin

wow that sounds like the twin is dead, they are not

his twin's name is Blythe

shes also trans and its kind of funny bc they were originally born with eachothers names but then decided to swap them and take eachothers when they came out

btw this hc came about bc of this image

p much everyone in that image you can put a name to, except for the red haired girl sitting in front of remi

so. i decided she was blyke's sister

claustrophobic maybe?

definitely afraid of not living up to expectations

or being enough

afraid his friends will lose interest in him and leave him

very loyal

maybe hes like percy jackson and thats his fatal flaw

basketball shorts and basketball jerseys as daily wear

his red flag is that he's literally red /j

rbf

obviously muscular and has abs

TERRIBLE liar

and also just hates lying in general

it makes him feel icky

hes almost always honest and hates lying AND liars

so uh. yikes for isen. not that i think isen is trying to lie to blyke but sometimes he just Does it. hes so used to it

dyslexic

doesnt like reading for that reason

would play soccer, basketball, and/or baseball, also maybe volleyball

def nd but not officially diagnosed w anything

high pain tolerance

he honestly has very little sense of self and isnt really sure what kind of person he is

and also has immense trouble forming his own opinions or ideals, esp without being influenced by others

on that note hes also influenced very easily, esp by ppl he cares about

desperately wants validation from authority figures (and sometimes peers)

love love loves anime and manga and manwhas etc etc etc

prefers sub over dub solely bc its less likely to have translation errors

reads fanfiction and also writes it

fav genre is hurt/comfort

has two goku figurines that he saved up money for. currently saving up for a hatsune miku one.

entire room is FULL of anime posters. all walls, ceiling. door. everything

wants to go to a con some day

attracted to idiots and idiots EXCLUSIVELY

which is why being friends with BOTH remi and isen is a STRUGGLE

arlo has been the direct cause of both blykes phone screen cracking and his computer legit fucking snapping in half, and arlo felt bad both times so he fucking bought blyke a new phone and computer both of excellent quality

therefore blyke once called arlo his sugar daddy as a joke and arlo just about fucking collapsed and died right there

"arlo, grabbing blyke aggressively by the shoulders, practically frothing at the mouth: do not Ever. Call me That. Again"

"blyke, about to bust a lung: aye aye captain"

when he laughs he sounds like a squirt bottle

LOVESSS SPICY FOOD

listens to vocaloid music and plays rhythm games unironically

has a tumblr for his fandom stuff

[summerlycoris]

Okay so I'm putting this here because Dad really fucking pissed me off today and If I don't write something I'll just-

So I was helping him to put in a veranda and ramp on the front of my house today. Work projects with Dad would be difficult, but not misery, if he could just. Fucking. Not be a dick for 5 seconds.

Unfortunately my dad has "must be a dick every 5 seconds " disease so that's never fucking happening lmao lol roflmao.

Anyway. He was ragging out my brothers girlfriend Rochelle. And yeah. She's got problems. Neither of us can see the relationship lasting. (Rochelle's nice, but not to brodie. She let's her anxiety get the best of her, and constantly embarrasses him in front of their friends making out of line jokes, and emotionally abusing him.)

Dad thinks the reason they're not going to last is that Rochelle is on disability and is "a leech" "She's going nowhere." He used himself (hes not fucking diagnosed. And normally im all for self diagnosis. But not for this cuntwad. I WILL gatekeep from my damn dad because fuck him thats why.) me and my brother as examples of disabled people who don't need help.

And that ticked me off. Because I do need help. I just don't get help. Brodie needs help too. He just can't get it. Hell, maybe if dad had help as a kid he wouldn't have been such a bastard when we were kids. (He's fucked up 2/3 kids. Bad odds when your a parent. And he's still got plenty of time to fuck up the 3rd kid! SHES ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.)

I can't remember exactly, but I try to tell him that my life wasn't great and that I could've used some help. He asks how my life sucked so bad.

And I'm just fucking gobsmacked. Mum did this too recently- despite literally being the one to say that she thought I was gonna off myself at 11 years old years ago. Do these two not have any fucking memories?

I told him I'd been bullied all through school. (Couldn't exactly tell him he'd treated me like dirt whenever he was home) and he was like "well you're living a better life than your bullies. I bet they don't own a house."

I got so fucking angry. And I couldn't explain it at the time. But I can now- it doesn't matter what YOU think. Or what Mum thinks. Or what the fucking goldfish think. You don't live my life! And my opinions the one that matters, because im the one living that life. And I think my life's kinda shit!

I can't make friends. Not because I'm necessarily bad at talking to people (I can mask better now than I ever could as a kid) but because I just can't feel the same way about talking to people as I could as a kid. Like this may not make any sense- but when I was a kid before everything? I liked talking to people. It wasn't a chore. I didn't have to overanalise everything. But now it is. I quickly finish up talking to people thinking something like "Thank god that's over" or "Thank god that didn't go badly" and it's so. Fucking. Tiring.

So I'm gonna be alone forever. Not because of some incel bullshit. But just because I literally can't do it. I just can't fucking do it right. I can't go back to being 8 and being excited to meet someone new. I can't even go back to being 19 and bring willing to try making friends.

I'm 28. And I've spent most of my life being lonely.

And he's like- you've got the autism support group- but we meet once a month and I sometimes can't even MAKE it due to work and there's acquaintances. I don't even know most of their NAMES.

And it all just sent me into a tailspin honestly. Like the day was okay until he decided to be himself and trod over some exposed nerves. Then run his fucking jeep over them for good measure.

He's like "your like van goth" and I'm like "he killed himself" and he says "but you won't do rhat" and honestly dad? There's still fucking time. Better 17 years late than never huh????

Fuck, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand him. I really can't. But I kinda have to because I want to still know mum and nikara.

It's just amazing how he can just. Always find a way to ruin my day. Today was supposed to be good. It's autism group meet up night. I'm supposed to take Rochelle and one of brodies friends there. But I think if I go tonight I'll just be a miseryguts and cry everywhere. And I've got a surprise work shift tomorrow from 7-3pm. And then my fucking On Week at work. Despite not really having much time off from it and work doing a number on me even during my fucking off week this week. It's just not worth going oh my fucking God I hate this.

[pjisskullourful]

okokok pj babe lemme say something! so as you might’ve gathered i am an ethan girlie. and i am also a use me stan as evidenced by me requesting ch 6 💪

ok, long chunk of words incoming: not to get personal on main but you wanna know something? i really really love use me because it feels so… familiar to me (obviously i am not dating a rockstar, that’s not what i mean 🫣) i got diagnosed w bipolar less than a year ago and while it explained a lot, it also kind of ruined my life (i mean it also helped bc meds, but yeah). that’s neither here or there though cause i’m talking about your fic.

so seeing the reader being wrote as bipolar really spoke to me. it’s relatable and written so naturally. like there are lines that jumped right off the page and i was like, “this is so me.” per esempio:

“He could see it, he could see your disorder. Now that he had the context for your bipolar he wouldn’t think you were sexy anymore […] Guys didn’t want to date this disorder.”

that was the moment when i was first reading this where i was like, “yeah this one is the magnum opus.” chapter 1 in particular is so healing to me. i just love the way the relationship between ethan and y/n is written, i love the way the plot has developed 😍. specifically this part is one of my favs:

“You said that you love me. You’ve never said that before.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I do.” You said, shifting how you were sitting because it had just hit you how uncomfortable this tiled floor was. “Even though you’re a massive creep.”

He ignored your teasing (he was used to it by now), putting his hands to your cheeks. Now you were forced to look at him, seeing the very serious look in his eyes.

“I love you too.” He said, your tears leaving you as you marvelled at how good it felt to hear that for the very first time.

this fic, it’s really my favorite of yours, i reread it an embarrassing amount 🫣 like not only is it HOT but it just feels so… comforting? i’m def excited for more but obviously i can wait cos i understand you’re a busy busy girlboss xoxo

im sorry this was such a long read btw! tl;dr: keep up the good work and i love use me alot

thankyou so much❣️❣️ this is so sweet& i am so appreciative of you taking the time to share this with me, its really wonderful! (please never apologise for sending long things to me-- you've seen my fic word counts, you know im prone to a ramble🫠)

i've been diagnosed with bipolar as well so that probably helps me write it naturally. it really means a lot to know that my writing could be healing& im glad it has meaning to others

thanks a million billion bae ❣️❣️❣️

[cainightfics]

just wanted to say i really appreciate the way you portray tyrell in particular, it feels so close to canon. hes a very special character in that its clear hes not right in the head, and hes super destructive and pretty much brings on his own downfall, but theres something still relatable and sympathetic about him?? he always struck me as someone with a personality disorder tbh (i headcanon him as BPD). how do you approach his headspace? you seem to really get him

thank you! i rly appreciate hearing this. its funny because i actually do not relate to tyrell at all, id say we're complete opposites personality wise lol, yet somehow hes really endearing to me. ive always had kind of a soft spot for horrible yet pathetic people lol.

i definitely agree with you about him having bpd, or some other personality disorder. i’ve talked about it on here before, but i was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder last year. i’m honestly kind of anti psychiatry so i don’t really care for diagnoses and i don’t identify with the label at all, but i’ll admit, all of the symptoms and internal contradictions do fit me. i see szpd often described as the “opposite” of bpd: aloof, non-expressive, solitary, doesn’t care for external validation, very strong sense of self and extremely rich inner world coupled with complete disdain for reality, etc... whereas people with bpd compulsively seek out praise and a feeling of belonging, schizoids seek out isolation. schizoids are also often very paranoid and view relationships as a trap— even if they’re lonely and desire romantic love, they don’t want to be responsible for another persons happiness, and they don’t want to feel burdened by another persons emotional needs. while a borderlines response to stress is to split, a schizoids is to just withdraw completely. personally, i like interacting with people online because its easier for me to "escape" if need be. i find it really hard to connect with people offline. its kind of funny, because when it comes to shipping and fiction, im obsessed with love, but i feel almost incapable of romantic emotion in real life.

all of that being said, just because i have nothing in common with tyrell doesnt mean i find it hard to understand him! i basically see tyrell as a big five year old lol. intellectually, hes very clever, but emotionally, he tends to view things in black and white. he's very desperate for love and attention but cant find anybody who will give it to him. he wants to feel special and be surrounded by special people, but to do so, he has to change who he is. i think tyrell really idolizes elliot—he sees him as somebody unaffected by the more embarrassing emotions tyrell himself feels, like desperation, loneliness, low self esteem, etc. of course we know elliot feels these things too, he can just hide it better.

i think tyrell is the kind of person who will put up with basically anything so long as he thinks it will get him love and attention. it explains his relationship with joanna, his relationship with price, and his relationship with elliot/mr robot. hes very willing to be used and abused as long as it means somebody cares about him. thats why he asks elliot "did you ever care about me?" in s4e4. if elliot loves him, then everything hes done is okay—losing his son, losing joanna, blowing up the 71 buildings, ruining his own life, etc. i think tyrell doesnt really have a concept of personhood outside of how other people see him. he finds himself a role to fill and changes everything about himself to fit it. hes obsessed with what other people think of him because hes deeply insecure. i really wouldn't be surprised if he was emotionally abused/neglected as a child. i actually have a long one-shot im working on that will explore this possibility further.

anyway, to answer your question, i dont relate to tyrell, but i do find him somewhat easy to write, because his goal is always so non-complex: to be loved and feel special. couple that with the fact he has low empathy for 99% of humanity, and you have a disaster on your hands lol.

[zushimart]

hi idk if this is a weird ask or not bc im half asleep but i just wanted to say that i started following u on my old blog in late 2022 like maybe december and your posts about bpd scara made me feel so seen. i wasn't diagnosed then but it was recently on the table as a diagnosis for me all of a sudden and it was terrifying because i feel like pwbpd are demonized and hated everywhere i look. and just like scrolling thru ur bpd scara tag was like looking at a diary of my own mind or smth. so it was really new to me to see someone talk about borderline as something that brings love and pain into our lives and not just as some scary evil-people diagnosis. like ur definitely my fav writer on this app by far but also u make me feel really validated in my emotions i guess? wow idk sorry like i actually have no idea how to describe it but hopefully u can read minds ‼️ 🤞 i have since been diagnosed with bpd with a criteria score of 9/9 so 😳 idk where id be rn in september 2023 if i hadn't sort of started to learn to love myself from your writings exploring a character. so yea this is probably a strange ask so feel free to ignore it. also im going on anon bc im scared of interacting w ppl. ALSO U R SO FUNNY ND YOUR HUMOR/RANDOM FUNNY TAGS FEEL SO SIMILAR TO MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE

this is such an open & genuine thing to say to me . i like had to sit with it for a second because it was so .. idk like how to communicate it . my devaluation of ths blog is pretty frequent, treating it sort of like a big boy version of the 2000s children’s diaries with locks.. my thoughts tossed in here nd piled nd piled nd piled, endlessly messy. nd it objectively is a writing blog , like yeah, on a surface level, i own& maintain a writing blog, but i would never tell people that. when people ask my hobbies i always say writing & ill show them my poetry pieces but i never tell them i have a blog because im kind of embarrassed by the very seriously delusional self indulgence i pour into this thing . but then i hear about.. like, for ex. we learned ab and have to maintain our own commonplace book in class, which is essentially where people collected anything and everything they felt needed to be archived from their day and tucked it into the pages of a journal . like how thomas jefferson’s commonplace book will have his serious philosophical & political ramblings side by side a recipe for cornbread because it was just a place to put everything big & small . the practical & the theoretical. just, whatever Means something to u. and leisure, indulgence, pleasure r concepts just as important as virtues imo. anyway i say all this to say that what u said to me makes me want to treat everything better, even this place. it like, makes me feel really proud of my writing& analyses that i might normally b quick to label as inconsequential or childlike because im scared people will think i care too much about something so culturally insignificant. but i do care!! obviously!! a lot. i was like kind of bummed today for a number of reasons frm feeling a bit isolated to feeling like living out my principles& ideals (connecting w community, peer centered thinking etc etc) is almost impossible because im sooo freaking shitty at social convention. so when u sent this in & i read it, it was almost like when ur spacing out nd someone snaps 🫰🫰 in front of ur face to get ur attn. so busy trying 2 b significant to someone to realize that u Already are significant in a myriad of little ways. that it’s not something u search for or insert urself into but rather an inevitable outcome of existing. Anyway . not to b sentimental but i wanted 2 b as candid with u because i really did think it was sweet of u to share & im really happy that i was able 2 positively shape & support a little space of ur life because really thats all i ever want to do. Soooooooooo if ur ask was weird then my response is even weirder. Handwritten thank u:

[subarashiihibi]

yeah it's a choice between "do you want to be able to stand up without your heart rate skyrocketing to 130bpm" or "do you want to be able to have more than 3 minutes of energy and be able to think properly" there is no in between 💀

i want to try ivabradine because supposedly for what i have it's like. The Best Medication out there but i dk loool. but yeah now that you mention it man i really have had such a hard time writing fic ever since i got on metoprolol... i can get through a good chunk if i'm REALLY motivated but if i put it down to "come back to later" chances are i am. Not going to remember or have the motivation!

it is really disheartening knowing that the medication you need to take to function properly is going to affect how you function in another aspect so i get it... i'm much better than i was say 3~4 years ago but i still feel hopeless sometimes and "what is the point of living if i'm gonna be miserable lol🤣" but yanno it is what it is. (wry smile) as embarrassing as it is every single awful episode i've had i have got through by thinking about or looking at izaya so i mean whatever. i'll live

but the thing about shirts ! i erm have only worn emo band t shirts to my past few appointments ... this one cardiologist i saw literally gave me no advice when i said "hey i want to get tested for pots" because this place literally did testing for it so he goes "oh you need orders for that and also you should just drink more water! and more salt! and also wear compression socks!😀" YOU THINK I HAVENT HEARD THAT SHIT 9 MILLION TIMES ALREADY IM COMING TO YOU BECAUSE I NEED A PROPER TREATMENT PLAN/DIAGNOSIS. my goodness doctors are so infuriating if you're just the slightest bit knowledgeable on a condition you think you have you're "doing too much research and need to stop using doctor google" but if you don't know anything they won't bring it up. self advocacy is so irritating sometimes.

i've heard people say bringing a male friend to an appointment helps because the doctor's more likely to believe them but like wow that's just absurd and foolish

my cardiologist who diagnosed me with my heart condition and prescribed me metoprolol was the only doctor i have met that actually cared to listen to me i owe him my life . but he unfortunately does not treat/diagnose pots so i have to get another doctor which is a daunting task !

i've been taking metoprolol for ~1 year now and before that i was on propranolol so i sympathize with ur brain fog ... i was prescribed it because of my heart condition and it helps that well enough but. the neurological condition that (likely) caused said heart condition is unaffected so i mean like Yeah my hr is significantly lower and i dont get palpitations as much but i still have 90 other issues and now i have mroe fatigue/brain fog on top of it all😕

ouuurrrgghhhh ive heard people say metapropolol is also a cunt when it comes to the brain

theres a bunch of other meds tho and maaaybe one will Not give you that brain fog? because im literally in hell and im gonna be real..... my drug use has gotten so much worse bc of it bc i can THINK on it. like if i dont find a medication that both lowers my heart rate and makes my brain not suck i will simply die . im a writer i need that fucking thing. like outside of fanfics its legit the thing i want to do

[vaguely-yandere]

Hi there! I’m entirely not normal about your writing you portray desperation and obsession super well.

How do you feel about a physically affectionate darling? Especially if it’s more of a friendly gesture than it is a romantic one but it’s way too easy to misinterpret which may get them into trouble.

thank you!! i am entirely normal and have normal thoughts :) (diagnosed with obsessive and compulsive tendencies)

THIS THO!!! im always so concerned about being physically affectionate because of this!! not this exactly but close.

i love physically affectionate darlings, so cute! well, all darlings are cute, but i think a physically affectionate darling would go perfectly with a secretly subservient/sensitive yandere! gosh, i can already see all of their cute reactions to you! and their immense frustation.

i mean, its embarrassing for them! they crave your touch like a drug but still, whenever you touch them it just turns them into a mess! maybe you gently put your hand on their arm or back while passing by, or touch their shoulder when your behind them so you dont startle them, or reaching over and gently brushing an eyelash off their cheek and every single time they're stuttering over their words, they're ears are ringing and they're just entranced before smacking your hand away and huffing.

but you do these things to other people, sometimes more. they've seen you cuddle with your friends, see you casually kiss people on the cheek, see you hug strangers when theyre crying in public and it makes them sick. how dare you? how dare you? they dont understand why it makes them so so mad but over time, you notice people flinching away from your touch. it hurts. it hurts a lot but you cant seem to get a moment alone with anyone to ask them about it. you didn't even do anything! usually people have the opposite reaction and usually you're the one avoiding being alone with people who dont know how you show casual affection because youre worried theyll assume youre in love with them or something but now youre craving someone, anyone to just let you hug them tight.

so, you go to the only person that has yet to flinch away from you (which is also the last person you wanna go to) and you end up crying to them and hugging them tight, completely unaware of their racing heart, blank mind, wide eyes.. all you can think of is your own hurt and they dont have the heart to tell you theyre the reason why everyone has been avoiding you. maybe theyll just call it a lucky coincidence...

[burnedbyshoto]

Hey, so I guess this is kinda an emergency request. You don't have to do this if you feel uncomfortable with it but, after a good 4 months clean a relapsed a few hours ago and now in just disappointed in myself and I was wondering if you could write a small fic of Aizawa helping his student (the reader) deal with relapse. Again I completely understand if this is not something you'll do but if you do thanks in advance.

tw: self harm relapse

I don’t know what exactly you relapsed in, but be it drugs, drinking, self harm, etc. but seeing that you seem sober i’m going to assume it’s self harm. but know that I love you and am hoping for the best. I was about to go back to sleep when I saw this so, I hope you enjoy. just because you relapsed doesn’t mean you’ve lost, I know you can win.

i’m on my phone so sorry for weird formatting. also if my math is wrong it’s because I did it in my head.

platonic!aizawa x reader

warnings: cursing, tw: self harm

Four months.

122 days.

2508 hours

You had been able to keep your mind free from the entangled thorns of your past free from you skin, your lungs, your mind. You had been healthy, happier if not even a little better.

Four months ago you put away your blade for what you believed would be the last time. The scratches on your arms faded from angry reds to pale white lines that gave you forgotten memories and the bitter taste of needing to feel real.

Three months and two weeks into your determination to finally be better you felt alive. Things were on top of the world again, things felt real, things were okay. Your smiles were true, and your happiness was warm and bright.

But then on that last week things seemingly fell apart. Things were falling apart and the next thing you knew your fingers shook as you grabbed the cold metal between your fingers. You blinked and the next thing you comprehended was your blood soaked arm, and the same cold metal that glinted in the light of the bathroom.

Familiar cutting pain tingled in your arms as you sobbed.

You messed up.

You fucked up.

You were better than this!

You watched as the ruby red liquid feel down your arms and disappointment flooded your body as you turned around. You needed air, you needed to be away from yourself.

You didn’t take a jacket and you wore the worst shoes for a January night, but the coldness of nature couldn’t seem to overcome the stinging chill that was your self-hatred and depreciation. You weren’t aware of anything as you walked.

The blood trailing down your arms to drip from your fingertips were ignored. The animals that watched you from the distance were ignored. Your homeroom teacher that walked pass you in silence, ignored.

“Where’s your jacket, Y/l/n?” Aizawa’s voice called, it sounded like he was speaking through a glass door as you turned around to face him. Instinctively, you shifted your abused arm away from him, your body flinching at the feeling of the fresh wounds re-opening.

“Good evening, Aizawa-sensei,” you bowed as a smile overcame your features. He’d leave you alone soon, just had to power through this short conversation.

“What’s wrong with your arm,” he asks immediately, his eyes focused on your arm.

“Ah, see I was using my duct tape, and I accidentally scratched myself with the razor edge,” you smoothly lied despite it all. You didn’t want to tell Aizawa that you weren’t strong enough, you couldn’t handle more people being disappointed with you.

He grunted under his breathe as your eyes finally took in the trail of blood that had followed you, fuck.

“Let me see it, you’re bleeding profusely.”

double fuck.

“It’s okay, I was messing around with the cut and made it way worse on acci— HEY!”

aizawa easily pulled you in by your clean arm with his capturing device. his hands heavy, assertive, and still careful as he looked at your bloodied arm. you looked away as hot tears brimmed your eyes, he knew you gave in! you couldn’t even remember why you gave in! was he going to expel you for lack of potential and dedication as a hero?! you didn’t think you couldn’t handle that.

“was tonight your first relapse?” he asks, his tone is hard and thick with worry as a disinfecting wipe is pressed to your arm. you don’t even whimper as it stings your arm.

“...how do you know it’s a relapse?”

“im your sensei, it’s part of my job,” aizawa says but you’re unsure if he’s joking or not. “I had my assumptions when you didn’t want to partake in the pool training during the summer and chose to sat there with a hoodie on.”

your head remained low as embarrassment burned away at your skin, you really were an idiot sometimes.

“I won’t tell anyone that you relapsed,” aizawa murmured as he wrapped medical bandages around your arm. you flinched as he tugged a bit too tightly at it, and he made a sympathetic noise as he set it correctly. “depression is a hard thing, diagnosed or not it’s not something to be taken lightly. I’m sure you’re beating yourself up about this as much as I want to scold you for it. but it happened, you relapsed, you lost. it’s in the past now and old habits and comforts are hard to break. yes you gave in, but now you can start again. baby steps are okay and relapsing isn’t the end of the world. calm down, let’s figure out what caused you to break and see what we can do to find a... healthier way at expressing your negative emotions. you’ll win this war, y/l/n, I promise you that.”

tears silently dropped down your face as you stared at your teacher, and you didn’t think as you hugged him bawling. awkwardly, he embraced you too, as if he didn’t know how to comfort humans but it was more than enough for you.

“come, I’ll make you tea and you can pet my cat.”

“o-okay!”

[faithoverfiction]

I’ve put off writing this for a while... mostly because I’ve been trying to understand it myself.

For the longest time I’ve had all these questions. I’ve longed to know why I didn’t think like a normal person, why I felt too much, and why it was so easy for me to get “lost”.

I’ve talked to a few different people, all who have different answers for me. But recently as I’ve been seeing my therapist, I feel like I’ve come to a new understanding about my brain, and more than that about who I am.

When I was a child I was molested. This isn’t something I’ve held back on talking about recently. But what I have held dear to my heart is the way that it shaped me in my life going forward.

My therapist asked me in my first session — for funding paperwork purposes — how what happened to me affected me. I didn’t have an answer, because... I had too many answers. So I said nothing. This week in therapy I wrote/and read out a very raw and vulnerable letter about who I thought I was, and how the abuse affected me going forward. I broke down in tears, because I felt like for the first time I was getting this darkness out of me. I was admitting the darkness I’ve felt for my entire life.

When I first went into the psych ward, it was obvious that I’d had a dissociative episode. I couldn’t work out for myself what was real, and what wasn’t. A lot of this questioning came through role playing — if you’re on tumblr you probably know what this is.

I was so mad. Because id been role playing for so long that I didn’t understand why now all of a sudden it was messing with me in this way. I was embarrassed and honestly, broken hearted.

In my next post I’m going to go through more detail on how roleplaying and my dissociation went hand in hand (mostly because otherwise this post will go on forever).

I wanted to just get rid of my “muses”. One nurse I had in the psych ward even suggested killing the muse off. I was desperate to do anything to stop feeling “crazy” that that’s exactly what I did. It didn’t work though, the muses still lived in me.

I know now, that those identities (muses), and personalities are just part of who I am. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a way of what I called “moulding” into situations. I was able to keep up with life because I could switch personalities and worlds I was in. As I got older, that didn’t change. I could mould myself. I could switch personalities when I needed to, or more specifically when my brain felt like it needed to.

I don’t have diagnosed dissociative identity disorder, I have dissociative splitting caused by ptsd. But I have so much empathy for those with DID if what i experienced is just a taste of what they have to deal with on a day to day basis.

I have different personalities. My emotions and experiences have formed different identities. There’s no other way for me to explain that. I was able to live with my abuse because I chose to give the experience to a character. I chose for it not to happen to me.

Now, with the help of my therapist I am learning to cohabit with my identities. I’m learning to realize who is who, and let them feel what the need to feel. Because at the end of the day, whether I name them or not, they’re all me.

I can’t get rid of them, because I can’t get rid of myself (I tried that and it didn’t work lol). I’m learning that these identities are always going to be there... but IM in control. It’s going to be a process but I have a lot of faith. In God, obviously. But also in myself.

I’m not going to let these identities run my life anymore (which is easier said than done but it is what it is). I’m going to keep rping, I’m going to keep doing the things I love. Because this is MY life.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[if-weshadows-haveoffended]

Strela Amura Part 2- Chekov x Reader

A/N: IM NOT DEAD BABEY! A SHOCK!!! THOUGHT THE VOID WOULD EAT ME BY NOW!!! Sorry, exams were a nightmare and I had three jobs at one point rip in pieces and now im unemployed because Uni is doing its goshdarned best to run me over with a semi-trailer. Anyway this took a bit longer than expected as I ended up re-writing it from Jim’s perspective 😊 

I took about a year hiatus from fic writing across the board and now im back so hopefully it’s a lot more active than it was my dudes <3

Title: Strela Amura (Cupid’s Arrow) (Part 2) Inspiration: here (x) Part 1: here (x) Prompt: here (x) Tags: Fluff, kinda-kirk’s-sister-but-kinda-not, Chekov and reader are doing their level best to give (and not give) Kirk a heart attack, Spock probably laughs in the distance as best as a vulcan can Words: 1400+ Masterpost: here (x) Prompt List: here (x) Mixtape Archive: here (x)

James Tiberius Kirk had very nearly had it UP TO HERE with his youthful navigator.

What was it about curls? Was it the accent? Was it the ability to calculate multi-variable calculus and integrate functions with limits to positive and negative infinity in under thirty seconds?

He wasn’t entirely sure anymore.

“Jim!”

“Keptin!”

He stared at the pair in general, his younger ‘sister’ and his navigator, uniforms off and dripping wet, standing inside one of Scotty’s little maintenance closets, clothes strewn all over the floor.

“Jim, there’s a perfectly reasonable and totally-not-erotic reason for all of this,” His ‘sister’ tried explaining. He just let go of a very long-suffering sigh.

Perhaps he should start from the very beginning.

They’d somehow managed to get out of the freezing hell-hole that was 1886 St Petersburg. Jim would be the first to admit that it was definitely a team effort on the part of Scotty’s incredible engineering feats, Spock’s quick thinking, Sulu’s fencing and the combined efforts of Uhura and Chekov in translation. In fact, the only real problem they’d had was Bones’ grumbling and incessant fussing over his younger ‘sister’s’ health.

He’d almost forgotten how much he’d missed her passion and enthusiasm for knowledge and adventure.

Though apparently, it seemed to extend to his very adorable navigator.

It was probably… at least three hours max back on the ship before he’d had Sulu report back to him. Apparently, cute lil’ sister thought it’d be very polite of her to help strip off Chekov’s ridiculously knotted cravat… and his coat… and help unbutton his shirt… and help take it off…

And well, according to Sulu, who was too busy laughing his traitor ass off, said little sister got incredibly flustered as she helped bandage up a wound that Fairy Tale Prince over there thought would be incredibly brave and dashing.

Bones later told him it was just a flesh wound.

The fact it was on his upper thigh most certainly didn’t help.

Then there was of course the incident at the Mess Hall, where Chekov allowed her to daintily take a bite of his stroganoff from his fork. Which she, of course, did so with a slight giggle before hiding her face in her hands in total embarrassment.

He wanted to puke from the cuteness.

But of course, of course, it ONLY GOT WORSE FROM THERE.

Jim, personally, didn’t have a problem with staff inter-personal relationships, after all it was none of his business and it would be for the best if he stayed in his metaphorical galactic lane. And after all, his sister was an adult, and not even his own biological sister at that. Not that it didn’t mean he wasn’t any less protective…

No, he needed to stop being so protective. She was perfectly fine gallivanting off to the other side of the universe in search of teensy bits of pottery.

But there was just something that caught in his throat, every time he caught Ensign Chekov flexing his arms around her, or deliberately flirting with her with some of the cheesiest lines Jim had heard in his entire life (and he’d heard… more like delivered… quite a lot of them).

And not to mention, Jim also highly doubted that the phrase ‘give you an education on the complexities of Russian language’ was to be taken at face-value.

Although, apparently Bones and Spock (goddamned fucking Spock) found it amusing to see him so constipated at the ongoing events and their all-too-fast unfolding. It was like that one time Sulu decided to take the phrase ‘punch it’ quite literally, and travelled at speeds so fast that it required use of seatbelts. Bones would often mutter something about the pair needing to use protection under his breath as he would spy the pair innocently grin at each other from across the mess hall. Spock would often ask if he needed to brush-up on human marriage customs and their festivity traditions, and perhaps if he was prepared to be an uncle.

And perhaps Jim could do it. Perhaps he could take all the teasing and all the embarrassment up to that exact point.

But Ensign Pavel Andreivich Chekov had just crossed the fucking line.

Jim was gonna have to pluck out both his eyes.

“What the hell are you two doing?” Jim watched as the pair them (rather Chekov) jumped about four feet back from his sister. Jim’s traitor little sister (as he was now calling her in his head) was wearing nothing but her underwear, sitting on a med-bay bed and had a rather red Russian kneeling on the med bay floor with his shirt off and his head between her thighs.

Not fucking again. This was worse than St Petersburg already.

He taught her better than this, surely. Surely he told her to draw the curtains and leave some form of warning in the form of a tie or a boot hanging off a door!?

“What!” His (he wasn’t sure if he could call her his sister anymore, he couldn’t deal with the stress) sister blurted out, covering herself up with her discarded jumper. “No! It’s perfectly fine, it’s nothing really!”

“Nothing? You two hooking up on Bones’ thrice disinfected med-bay equipment is nothing?” Jim clarified. The girl had a death wish, surely, and she was dragging poor innocent little Chekov with her. He should have protected Chekov better. He should have warned him that despite appearances, his little sister was incredibly persuasive.

“Hooking-hooking up?” Chekov managed to choke out, looking absolutely terrified of the situation at hand. He seemed to be panicking and the red in his face and spread to his ears and neck. “We’re not-“

“Jimmy, darling dearest brother,” His sister said with a long-suffering sigh and a pinch of her nose bridge. “There was a chemical spill in the labs. We’ve both just gotten hosed down, you can even confirm our alibi with Spock. He’ll probably do a report later today.”

“I wasn’t eating your sister out, I swear!” Jim could feel his heart actually stop beating the moment his navigator shouted it out at an uncharacteristically high-pitched way. He swore he could hear his sister mumble out ‘I wouldn’t mind if you did,’ under her breath. “I was just picking up my PADD.”

“Which he needed to double check that this rash on my leg was due to an allergic reaction when the fabric of my trousers met the acid.” His sister continued for him. “Really Jim, you’re literally the only person who thinks that we’re up to something suspicious.”

“Unless you’d like us to be up to that, Keptin.” Chekov piped up cheerfully with a sunny grin. “You free later tonight?”

“Yes of course I am.” His sister agreed with a cheeky wink. “I’d say at my place but it’s far too close to my dear brother’s quarters for us to get up to anything particularly loud.”

“HOLD ON A SECOND YOUND LADY I MAY NOT BE RELATED-“

“Yes, I zink zat karaoke contest would be easier done at mine.” Jim’s mouth fell open while he watched the conversation unfold casually, as the pair got dressed.

“You’re on Pasha,” She winked putting on a large t-shirt and gathering up her clothes in a messy bundle in her arms.

Jim stared pointedly down at his shoes. Perhaps he was over-reacting… just a little. He just couldn’t help the possibility that these two golden, happy things may break their hearts. And it was simply something he didn’t want to have to deal with. Neither of them deserved heartbreak, that wrenching feeling growing a little bit in his heart.

He took one last glance at the pair of them, laughing as she nudged him into one of the nursing bay beds. Perhaps he should let them get to know one another, after all, she was a (barely) a fully grown adult and Chekov was also fairly responsible if he wasn’t getting into any hijinks-

He did a double-take, unsure if he just watched his little sister not-so-subtly tap Chekov on the ass, to which the young navigator responded with a wink.

Kirk wasn’t sure how the rest of his day was going to turn out, but he made a mental note to see if Bones would be free to diagnose the alcohol-induced liver failure he was about to incur in order to forget ever seeing that.

[killapunk]

the weirdest, NO, evilest, person i have every worked for

no real names are used in this piece. i refer to other weirdos and freaks throughout, sorry its a long read (i didnt intend for this) but its one of those things ya gotta settle into and believe me its a wild ride. this saga covers over three years of drama btw.

tw: mental health mentioned (inc panic attacks), chronic illness mentioned and mild sex references 

i am going to single out jess. shes more evil than a weirdo but weirdo nonetheless. pete is a secondary weirdo in this saga.

i work in retail for a long time. a fashion store to be precise. i started out in one store but transferred when i started studying at uni and remained there for the majority of the retail career. during my time there i had three managers, the longest one, who is also a fucking weirdo was pete. now before i worked with pete, before he transferred to our store. i didnt like pete when i started working with him, he annoyed the fuck outta me. but my life circumstances changed and my mental health issues got very bad AND i was diagnosed with cfs so i had to disclose it w him. turns out… he was fucking mental too, very understanding, super chill. we liked the same shit. great boss. 11/10 every time.

he would be my reference for every job ever…

…but. he started gettin involved w jess. now to jess. the main character in this piece.

jess had started at the company around the same time as me and we were always on the same level until the last year or so. jess was a bit older than the average age of staff at the store (17-20) and was 23 when this drama started. she had a college diploma, went onto do something semi-successful but related to her HND. but blew all her money, moved back into her parents and started working at the store part time and then onto full time. she was like…the perfect retail girl? small, cute, slim, bubbly… always looked cool in her uniform. customers loved the fuck out of her. 

jess had a bf when i first started and pete had a longstanding gf. jess and her bf ended things abt 4 or 5 months before pete and his gf. but i remember they started gettin cushy around about this time. im not sure if its cos im v sympathetic towards pete (a true kind soul who i hold v dearly in my heart) but even tho youd be thinking ‘boss abuses his power’ …jess was and still is fuckin manipulative and he has longstanding mental health issues and i just think she sorta got the ball rollin’. pete and his gf didn’t seem on good terms, i dunno the full story but it seemed like they should have broken a long time before the did.

i think the fortnight before pete and his gf broke up they were spotted hanging out together near where she lived. it was this hush hush thing that everyone giggled abt cos there was at the time talk they were fuckin. when it got out, after his breakup jess said she was ‘just being a friend’ cos he was ‘going through a tough time’. 

jess got promoted to keyholder even though she didnt really (at the time) have the skills or confidence to be a keyholder. and then she started to try and fuckin control the work. back during this time, everyone who worked at the store, minus literally 3 people, had worked for the company for at least a year. the store ran very well, we were always in profit. nothing went wrong. but. she started changing processes because it 'made things easier when she was opening’. like. she made everyone tally the amount of people they served in the fitting room in one box and tally the amount of things people left behind so she could make a sales chart. idk if that’s normal in other stores but like? it was just nuts and impossible to do.we always put deliveries away out the package but not folded in a particular way. she made everyone tag and (where relevant) hang items bc she had to pick everything in the morning. 

she became friends w most of the girls, including one of the supervisors. they ruled the workplace. it was a total gossip mill. she gaslit the fuck outta people. one already less-popular girl at work ended up quitting cos she kept blaming her for fuck ups, she kept getting write ups and it was impating her mental health. she spun people against her. less popular girl spoke up and called her a bully and jess acted all defensive and said she wasn’t a bully bc shed been bullied before? jess continued to fuck up the workplace. next she turned on two people in her own clique. one tbh, i think she was jealous of bc jess had always wanted to be a teacher and this gal was training to be one. the other girl was v like jess, just not a bitch… strongwilled, liked control. anyway, drama got to the point where they had to quit. waay too much drama for this textpost. at this point others started to notice n work became hostile. jess moved her girlgang clique to one of the original clique girls, a different supervisor and the other two full time staff members.

pete obv didn’t listen to people coming to him, as store manager being like… hey… there’s this major clique problem and he’d be like ‘nah everyone is just friends, jess is a bit insecure but yno things are good, people quit, its just retail. fuck it.’ jess accused everyone who didn’t get on w her as being a terrible person. those legit words. like. if someone said it was a shame x, y or z left shed rebut, nah they were shit at their job, they were a shit person. honestly. EVERYONE. was a bad person. even the nicest people in the world were the worst person, the worst at the job. she was a good person, she liked the good people. she HAD BEEN BULLIED AND WOULD NEVER BULLY. she threw the anxiety word around a lot.

once we had a staff night out and i got left alone with jess and pete at the end of the night in this terrible lil bar as i waited for someone to pick me up. this is a good point to mention jess was always weirdly jealous cos i was close to pete. fucking ridic considering he was 14 years older than me and you know my fucking boss??? this night, i was sitting right next to pete, we were both drinking, jess wasn’t (cos she likes to be in control, she even said it), he had his arm around me and was whispering something into my ear that was such a non-thing i don’t even remember. she got her phone out, started texting. he excused himself and when he returned he sat beside her. it was fucking nuts. i couldn’t believe my eyes. we had to basically carry pete out of the bar. jess said to me she was gonna drive him home cos it was on the way to hers (spoiler! it was not!). myself and pete did the open the next day. he came in wearing the same clothes. i mean, he could have just passed out and had to rush to work when he woke up. but. this guy went out a lot. he never repeated an outfit. i think jess took advantage of a very drunk him. similarly, on another night out, jess promised to drive someone home. said person got too drunk and thew up. jess refused to take them home and called them embarrassing, she gave the space in her car to pete.

i had a major bad evening shift at work concerning another staff member, kaylee. a gal who just rubbed me up the wrong way, and who didn’t like me. ill never know why but it was just one of those things where anytime i was on shift w her she would nitpick and bitch about me and just… make me feel not v good. she was possibly the laziest and rudest person i had ever worked with but someone got away with it?

i used her as a way to talk to pete about the general problems in the store (jess). and…it was fuckin surreal. i told him abt kaylee. i told him i thought jess was controlling but kinda laid off a bit like ‘i get she thinks shes doing it for good’ etc. i padded it out w a few other rly petty issues abt the store. i was actually really upset, kinda numb from life to properly let out my emotions. and then. he started cry on me. like this full-on grown man having a panic attack in front of me when i was 19, fucked on diazepam i should have never been prescribed. to this day i visualise it. me and pete were v close at this point, and like, he didn’t mention jess too much – asked me about the other girl and other issues when i came to him. we spoke about personal shit, all but jess. i kinda wonder if he didn’t have the panic attack if i would have told him his under the radar relationship w her was not on?

and then. pete sold me out in the name of jess. idk the full ins and outta everything but he had to confront the drama once and for all cos our figures were so low so he decided to blame it all on kaylee. from my understanding of the situ from a lot of ‘he said she said’ bs, pete had this big meeting w kaylee. was like. 1. do ur job right and 2. stop being rude and unapproachable. the thing is, although kaylee is rude shes one of these ppl who most ppl really liked, not in a jess/regina george theyre scared of you way but…like they thought she was a tv character and she was funny and honest. so i think she confronted some obvious allies, and jess told her, according to another staff member, that i complained about her. after hearing this i obvious went to pete and tbh, acted pretty dramatic (cos if you haven’t fucking learned already THIS STORE WAS FULL OF DRAMA QUEENS). as soon as i heard, i started texting him angrily on his day off. i remember folding something in the fitting rooms and he came up to give me a hug and i was like ‘HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TELL OTHER PEOPLE MY BUSINESS’. i confronted jess, in a lighter tone, cos i obv told pete (half) what i felt about her. jess played the fucking innocent role. like, she said something along the lines of ‘we’re both close to pete n he was so worried that when me, you and kaylee did those shifts together that something would go wrong. so he told me to keep an eye on things and that’s all i told kaylee cos she wasn’t sure why she was being targeted when so many people in this store are treating people badly. i didn’t say you reported her or anything, honestly!!!!’ queue more bs.

after this, jess didn’t bother with me but was never explicit about hating me. if there was a convo going on and i tried to join in she scolded at me for being nosey. if i was unwell (i have cfs) shed moan ‘jokingly’ that i always had to be ill. i think she ripped on me once cos i said i was late for a hand-in at uni.

her next real victim, however, was jack, my best friend in store and our supervisor. jack was getting fucked over in his supervisor role bc pete would schedule jess for anything managerial. jess started a rumour that pete didn’t trust jack bc jack fucked it at a meeting w the other stores (semi true but fucking up a meeting isn’t the end of the world). like. anything jack would be, jess would be on him. by this point 50% of the staff that were around at the start of the story HAD LEFT. jess had driven people out and had the new ones all up her arse.

pete quit. it was sudden.

not long later, facebook popped up with a fuckin ‘pete is in a relationship with jess’ status and pete has never spoken to me again. i left shortly after that, although our new manager was lovely i felt like i was working for jess.

jack ended up GETTING DEMOTED, by petes replacement who had no idea what a shitstorm she was getting herself into. the new manager PROMOTED jess and demoted jack bc she was doing all the supervisor jobs whilst jack was only doing midshifts. he didnt get shafted to the lowest pay and was instead given the title ‘trainer and authorised opener/closer’ whilst still doing the same fucking job. he transferred out, cos that shit is fucking degrading and within, like two months he was put back up his rightful position. yay for my forever work bestie. I

feel like this has been going on for too long now. i think this doesn’t do her justice. like…i cant believe someone who is NOW 26 and who got what she wanted after manipulating a mentally ill man caused so much drama and pain and tension in a fucking clothes store.

fucking horrid. im reading this completely exhausted and so i cant say much but i just feel like these people are always the ones who come out on top, and its so fucked up. im really sorry you had to deal with so many unpleasant people, and your friend as well. 

i swear mediocrity and asskissing is what gets you anywhere in this world, and manipulative cunts like this jess woman take full advantage of that. it’s pretty scary, honestly. amazing how far drama can go, huh. this is why i have trust issues.

i still hope she gets her ass kicked by life, though. there has to be some sort of karmic justice somewhere

i also feel like i should say that there’s always going to be people who won’t like you for some reason. even if you don’t do anything wrong and even though everyone else thinks they’re great. no idea why this happens, but all i can say is there’s really nothing you can do. so FUCK EM (in the most metaphorical sense as they don’t deserve you giving them the time of day)

[thetrek]

Can depression cause illness?

I can give a few facts and stats about anxiety and depression, but I think anyone can look those up on Google. Instead, I choose to relate my own experience, in case it could help someone with similar experiences.

I’m not an expert at mental health, but I am an expert on me. I know every day I open my eyes something is not quite right with the world, (really, with me).

Medicine used to help, but not so much anymore. Panic attacks have gotten worse. To the point that all my muscles draw up (painfully) and I shake in fear. I imagine death at the threshold.

My physical health has taken a nosedive. I make feeble attempts to change this, but Im too exhausted to do anything that really helps. I’ve been sick everyday for the past three months and when one ailment subsides, another begins.

The horror of it is, I believe my mental state is causing problems with my physical states. In short, I’m causing my own illnesses.

About three months ago, I was diagnosed with a viral infection. I started getting over it, when pneumonia took hold. Then another viral infection and an upper respiratory thing that was miserable. Then strep throat.

Now, I have some kind of UTI and I cant imagine what comes next. Nor do I want to.

Though all of these ailments are diagnosable and treatable, I cant help but think that somehow my mental state has created this unhealthy monster. Better said, mentally, I laid the groundwork for them to make their way into my lowered immune system.

Is that even a thing? Is it possible? The stress of daily panic attacks, anxiety and depression, is probably enough to cause havoc with my immune system.

Anxiety and depression are very real dangers to those afflicted. I’ve lost jobs, compromised relationships and became reclusive until my daughters put the brakes on all of it.

As I write this, I’m telling myself that tomorrow I will make an appointment with the doctor and ask for new medication to help with the panic attacks. I’m going to ask her to test my immune system.

I know there is a chance I wont call the doctor, because I have the embarrassment of returning to that office for the tenth time in five months.

Depression reminds me of that passage from Dante’s Inferno, when he passes through the gates of hell. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

In my worst moments, hope is a memory.

I listen to motivational programs and self-talk. I think it helps for awhile. A few moments, anyway, and I’m grateful for that. Sometimes a moment is all we can ask for.

The light at the end of the tunnel is this: I am writing. I force myself to do this, because I really don’t want to. I make videos, which seems easier than writing at times, though I feel like I’m cheating, because most of my vids are unedited. I have created a regular schedule for myself to keep creating because I need that prompting. I don’t always stick to it.

Some days I cant. Some days I’m lucky to brush my teeth and wash my face.

The light is that though I feel as if I’m swimming through darkness most of the time, my daughters and these (unnamed) angels around me, keep me going though I don’t want to.

I understand that they see beyond the darkness, when I cannot and I am so grateful for them.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was written mid-2019. Since then my doctor has increased the dosage on my meds and I make it a point to exercise regularly. I wont say this is a cure, but life looks much different.