#but irl you can see and explain reasons and you just can’t do that online

[francisforever2014]

very few things annoy me as much as a victim complex. ofc i have empathy for people that feel like the entire world is out to get them like i’ve been there and still feel that way somethings ofc but people who are just convinced that everything is a personal slight to them and that everybody else has malice lacing their every action just . are not pleasant after a point

[theweeklydiscourse]

Why is nuance dieing?

The younger generation seems to be so much more obsessed with moral puritanism in fiction and irdk why. Could it be because kids these days don't interact with real people and are just chronically online so they repeat what they see on the internet?

Actually saw someone saying people who like fictional bad boys are the reason why men get away with sa & rape irl and countries are criminalizing abortion...

It's just so depressing to see that. This line of thinking is scary actually.

I don't remember people going this mad over morals when shows and movies like Vampire Diaries and Twilight saga were huge. It's like people have regressed.

The media we consume is becoming more and more didactic as we enter an age where it seems like every piece of popular media is obsessed with delivering their messages and themes like an after school PSAs. Media is becoming increasingly more sanitized and “family friendly” to appeal to the broadest possible audience to create more and more profits for corporations. This obsession with sanitized fiction has become commonplace with many younger people who parrot what they see online and on the media they consume and proceed to deliver underdeveloped takes on subjects they don’t fully understand yet.

It becomes even more interesting when people point to fictional narratives as the cause for societal problems when there are already larger institutions that have historically been responsible for what they claim fiction causes. They displace the blame for societal ills like SA, abuse, patriarchal violence and misogynistic legislation onto fiction, fan fiction and media that explores taboo subject matter. While I don’t deny that fiction has power, 90% of the time these people have no idea of the ways literary works influence our culture and default to a 1:1 “monkey see, monkey do” explanation for why people must consume the “correct media”.

Another factor is the way that people have become accustomed to moralizing their content consumption. They have convinced themselves that they need a concrete and righteous justification for their likes and dislikes and this has ruined the way fandom interacts with literature, film and other art forms. With this in mind, they can no longer dislike or even hate something without creating some moral justifications for why “hating this thing is actually progressive and righteous!” and in the process, conflate consumerism with activism.

The comparison to Puritanism is quite fitting in this case. After all, the principles of that religion were based in purity, obedience and censorious beliefs for self-indulgences and we can draw comparisons with the way people online discuss certain subjects. There’s a phenomenon where people will say something along the lines of: “It’s alright to like (insert problematic character here)! But you need to acknowledge that they are a bad person.” To them, it seems like a gesture at fairness and magnanimity when in reality, it is an attempt at exerting unearned moral authority over the tastes of others. It is a demand that a person proves their moral innocence to them in a performative manner that validates their need to feel superior. But it’s all performative purity because even if a person did explain/justify their fictional tastes, these people wouldn’t care and would continue to demand purity from others.

People can’t even discuss certain characters anymore without running into people accusing them of being terrible people who would approve of real-life violence and abuse. And I can’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t always like this, when did it change?

[ryuichirou]

What do you think about Lilia and Idia's chats? I know you ship them but did they affect you in any way?

Sorry for the late reply, Anon!

This is one of those asks that I really went “oh no I have to think about this one properly, this is a very important topic” lol But it’s probably for the best because today is kind of a perfect day for me to write about this particular topic.

As always, I ended up talking a whole lot, so I hope you enjoy reading it. I’ll try not to digress too much!

Short answer would be yes of course it affected me: I’m pretty sure it was one of the main reasons why I started shipping them in the first place.

As someone who crawled out of Homestuck’s cradle (and will stay there forever at least in some capacity), I really love it when characters chat. I think all of us act a bit differently when we’re on the internet, even if we’re trying to be 100% honest, or at least we are perceived a bit differently. And when you have two characters who know each other irl, but also know each other online as different people, and one of them is crushing hard, it creates such an interesting dynamic��� so beautiful.

It’s very interesting to see Idia swooning so hard. He doesn’t act that way around anybody else, even people he is kind of close with (Azul is the only example but), which contrasts nicely to his usual snarky antisocial self. I love it a lot when this type of character gets very into someone and ends up being a bit tormented by his own inner demons: he craves to be closer to that person, he wants to spend more time together, but he is scared that the moment he accepts his feeling he’s going to get hurt. He is terrified of being vulnerable, but Muscle Crimson makes him so happy that he just can’t help himself. Idia is so cynical and pessimistic, he already accepted the fact that he’ll stay lonely forever, and yet whenever Lilia appears, he gets hopeful, romantic and longing. Very Megara of you, Idia lol

What doesn’t help is that no matter what Muscle Crimson does, somehow it only makes him more perfect in Idia’s eyes…

For starters, in ch6 Idia said that one of the things he loves most about Muscle Crimson is that he never oversteps and is very understanding of him, and how he is very natural in a way he expresses things. What I’m trying to say is that Idia never feels like he has to explain himself or push himself, like MC always gets it and never pries into his affairs. This is the thing that Idia usually struggles with the most: social expectations, the pacing of a conversation, the arbitrary rules of how two people should communicate; and he doesn’t have those issues with MC whatsoever. It’s very easy for him to talk with MC because the moment this usual obstacle isn’t present, Idia is suddenly very eager to connect with another person. MC is chill, MC is nice, MC is mature and MC isn’t needy. We see it so much with their online conversations, it’s incredible.

I also really love their chats because they very nicely show what exactly Idia wants from a relationship. Whenever I talk about Idia’s ideal type, Idia’s love language, Idia’s anything, I always end up talking about it: Idia loves quality time and sharing things that he loves with others, so the fact that he can play videogames with Lilia is massively important for him, but this isn’t the only thing. In Idia’s dorm uniform vignette (god that vignette is such a feast for a multishipper), Idia gets so excited because MC not only agreed to listen to his favourite band, but also was engaged enough to express that he wants to listen to them! On his own volition! Azul-shi who didn’t even bother to listen to their music that Idia kindly brought to him should take notes!

I’m sorry but let’s take a look at this dialogue (official translation from wiki but I just want to make a point okay):

<Muscle Red>  

Ah, I see. My apologies for not being well-informed on the topic.

<Gloomurai>   

NP! sorry for rambling about something you don't care about lol

Imagine ranting to someone about your oshiis, and instead of being annoyed or politely agreeing with you, the person goes “oh I’m sorry that I haven’t heard about them”. Of course, Idia’s instinct is to pull back a little and to apologise for his rambling and to joke about MC not being interested – not as a jab at Lilia, but as a jab at himself instead for bothering him with unnecessary information.

And instead of just letting the conversation go to some other lane (which would’ve been a bit sad, but ultimately not that bad because Lilia’s initial response wasn’t an annoyed one), for some reason, MC does this of all things:

<Muscle Red>  

Actually, after seeing how passionate you are about them...

<Muscle Red>  

My interest in this Premo group has been thoroughly piqued.

<Gloomurai>   

you're already interested just from hearing me drone on and on?

<Gloomurai>   

you're like the nicest guy. i'd give you 100 rare drops if i could

<Muscle Red>  

Would you recommend a particular song for a first-time listener?

Not only he didn’t get a “ehhh yeah cool”, but he also got a “send me their songs” instead. It’s like Lilia is actively trying to lure this poor otaku boy into his embrace lol But the best thing is that it is so casual and genuine, even Idia-the-biggest-cynic doesn’t feel like he is just trying to be nice about it. And as I always say, despite being a hikikomori, Idia is good at reading people, and someone as insecure as he is would’ve definitely thought that MC was just being nice. But he didn’t, instead he got super excited about it.  The boy is so smitten he’s melting as we speak...

And not only that! When in that exact vignette some shenanigans happen with the website of the band, and Idia gets upset about it, MC is so quick to cheer him up and comfort him. It’s interesting with Lilia because he really is wise and mature, but sometimes he doesn’t quite know what to say to comfort someone?? There are some areas in which he is a bit clumsy, I guess, but it seems like when it comes to Gloomy Samurai, it feels like he knows him super well. How his mind and emotion operates, what makes him upset. It’s sweet that he is very eager to support him and feels genuinely bad for him; we’re even shown Lilia himself in his own room being troubled that his online buddy might get depressed over what happened. It’s just so… sweet?? I don’t think Idia had anyone other than Ortho support him like that before. I’ll talk about Lilia in general in a moment though.

One last thing about this vignette is that I wanted to talk about is this little exchange:

<Gloomurai>   

it'd be so cool if we could meet up IRL...

<Muscle Red>  

Oh? Well, if you wish to meet offline, I'd gladly visit whenever you like.

<Gloomurai>   

oh nonononono, i live in a super remote place rn!

<Gloomurai>   

i'd have to take planes, trains, buses, and boats to go p. much anywhere

<Gloomurai>   

meeting up would be a whole THING...

Imagine Idia fucking Shroud not only having a gaming buddy he is excited to talk to, and not only entertaining the idea of meeting said buddy irl, but also EXPRESSING THIS IDEA OUTLOUD? And once again, he is met with enthusiasm, because OF COURSE MC wouldn’t mind hanging out irl! And the moment he gets that response, he pulls back once again, keeping his distance, being anxious and overwhelmed by the possibility of meeting up with MC. It’s incredibly interesting to see Idia acting this way, and once again it shows just how much he doesn’t want to ruin what they have right now. Let’s be honest, it’s not just the fact that he is in NRC; he would’ve easily traveled somewhere if he needed to, they have portals, for fuck’s sake, although not for personal usage. In this convo Idia does what Idia does all the time in their chats: he dares to express interest in MC’s irl affairs, and then gets terrified that MC won’t like it, or MC will answer and somehow this newfound knowledge will ruin something, or that things will get weird: Idia just doesn’t want to risk breaking this balance between them that is super fragile in his eyes.

I love him being so unsure and anxious. I love him being invested and infatuated, but also being so afraid to get hurt. It’s like Lilia is taming him little by little… which isn’t intentional on Lilia’s part lol He’s just hanging out with the guy he likes to hang out with! And the guy is out there falling in love deeper and deeper with every single one of their chat.

But the thing is, this is still not completely one-sided. It’s just that we tend to focus on Idia during these chats, and Idia is really crushing hard on Lilia, but when we’re shown Lilia’s side in his Suitor Suit vignette, we have a little more info on how he feels.

I find it interesting that after Idia’s little rant about how marriage in-game is a stupid mechanic and that it’s such a pain, Lilia changes his mind about asking Idia if he wanted to get married in-game… for unlocking an achievement of course. Which is SUCH A SHAME because Idia would’ve gone full 180 on this topic and would’ve accepted his proposal so fucking hard lol After learning just how much Idia pulls back and rambles, the whole thing really feels like Idia thinking that someone like MC would never ask him for something like this, and how suggesting it himself would’ve been stupid: what if MC thinks that he’s weird or clingy or cringe? So he threw the ball to Lilia’s side of the court so aggressively, that Lilia just figured that Idia hated the idea in general and didn’t want to play with him at all… SUCH A SHAAAME.

But still, it shows that Lilia also doesn’t want to make Gloomy Samurai uncomfortable. Not from the place of extreme shyness, but from the place of loving hanging out with him and not wanting things to become too complicated.

But also!! It’s so interesting to compare the way they act and type. Lilia is so proper with his lack of emoticons, but he is still playful with his comments from time to time. So reliable, so mature, of course Idia’s mental portrait of Muscle Crimson is “older man who may or may not have a family and may or may not be a proper businessmen” lol The boy is talking to someone else’s husband and dad in his head… I also love moments during which Lilia just goes “oh yeah I used to wear armour for work” and Idia just assumes that he’s joking around. I want to see more of their chats ahhh! And I want the big reveal!!

On a personal note (you don’t have to read that part lol), I have my own sentimental reasons to be so into this whole thing. It feels very nostalgic because the whole dynamic, the situations, even the typing style to some degree, it all feels very similar to what we went through ages ago. I won’t point at Lilia and say “he’s just like me for real” because I definitely wasn’t as slick as him at the stupid age of 16, but I did try to have this mature image back then lol But also, just like Lilia, seriously underestimated just how much that antisocial sweetheart I enjoy talking to a lot is into me.

Those early stages of the growing and blossoming relationship, moments of pulling back, showing initiative, trying and being insecure about all those things: I can see it in them, especially in Idia. Since I was technically the Lilia of the situation, I feel such warmth witnessing those early steps in Idia, his crush and his doubts about the whole thing. It’s like… flirting, but not quite? Some other style of flirting that isn’t really noticeable until you really look at it. Since I myself was quite dense back then and, once again, didn’t notice a crush (that I was told about btw) for quite some time, I feel especially sorry for Idia and his pains LOL But also, especially hopeful~

It’s precious. I could’ve written something edgier or sexier but ultimately I feel like it’s very precious, at least to me lol I really love these two. And this is why I’m writing this post today of all days. Very sneaky of me.

Anyways, thank you so much for your question, Anon <3 I love these two a lot.

[fakeshibe]

the internet is so overtly hostile to kids and young people. commercialisation and profit margins killed off the places younger kids were safe and welcome to be in, creeps and those seeking to goad people towards extremism took over those spaces designated for teens.

There is no safe place. Every time i see a 14 year old on twitter, I see them being told to get off the platform. It’s not safe, it’s not for you. And that’s entirely correct, twitter is not a safe place for a 14 year old, but where is? Tumblr? not really. Club penguin? it’s dead. Community forums? not really a thing anymore. Discord? not without that teen being very aware of their safety and how to look after themselves, at which point they may as well have stuck to twitter.

Like it or not, it’s the job of every single one of us to make a space that is safe for teens. Doesn’t mean you have to be kid friendly, just means you need to take reasonable precautions that your not-kid-friendly content stays in your space, that they can’t accidentally come across it. Content warnings, censoring/spoilering posts, possibly avoiding the main tags for a thing if that topic is child friendly and your art is not. stuff like that. Like if young people are likely to search for stuff like lego, maybe don’t put your nsfw bionicle ship art into the general lego tag, stuff like that.

It’s your job to keep an eye out for your fellow humans. If you see a young person they you know displaying signs that they’re possibly being harassed/groomed/generally made uncomfortable/not doing well, make sure they have a safe person to speak to. You don’t have to be that safe person, you just need to make sure there’s someone who can listen to them.

If you see a kid doing something they really shouldn’t be, it’s on you to explain why they shouldn’t be doing that. Don’t berate them, don’t attack them for it. Explain, help them to understand why that’s concerning to you. We all know internet safety classes in schools are pretty rubbish, usually super outdated. I did a child safety course like two years ago that still included tips on building a safe myspace page. School isn’t going to teach kids about the immediate issues on todays internet, it’s on the community around them to guide them and look out for them.

Also playground humour is fine, just be aware when you’re joining in to not take it too far or make it weird. And bear in mind that even just by virtue of being a couple of years older than whatever young person you’re talking to, there’s a power imbalance in that conversation. Don’t encourage playground humour to the point of making it an entirely inappropriate topic. Your the one guiding this conversation, steer it in the right direction.

And if you see someone being weird towards any minor, wether you know them or not, call that shit out. Let it be known that someone is keeping an eye out, let that kid know that they’re welcome and they’re looked out for. Let that creep know that people see them, and people are very, very aware of what they’re doing. Make them feel unwelcome, run them out of your spaces, spread awareness of risky people. Keep your spaces safe.

This is all especially as important as IRL spaces become more hostile to potentially vulnerable young people. Queer teens especially are going to be looking for community and safety online more and more frequently. Make sure that the places they find will be a respite from the real world, not just a different set of threats to navigate.

Make sure young people feel safe on the internet, and make sure that those looking to take advantage of their presence, don’t.

Why am i writing all this? I’ve seen too many posts about people’s experiences as a young person online, and i talked to my brother the other day about him and his friend’s experiences and it’s terrifying that there’s really nowhere for young people to go. Also i’ve realised that i’m not doing enough to be part of the solution. so this is part of that, im gonna be far, far more aware of the issue and doing more to try and help.

[sapphic-sex-ed]

I know this is just a me problem & I need to just suck it up and deal with it but I feel... incredibly guilty about not wanting to have sex with my friends. For one, I've never had a friend actually want to engage in that with me so a part of it might be me feeling bad about "not being good enough", but another part of me feels like the queer community is advancing to new places that gives them more joy, freedom, and love and it feels like since the topic is so triggering to me (for no good reason mind you) that I just don't really belong? I haven't been able to talk to other queer people or go to pride events because I'm in such a small, homophobic town. But I feel like if I showed up to a queer event, I just wouldn't fit in and they just would not like me. Not only for looking overly masculine and kinda yucky (not in way thats celebrated in the queer community) after my transition, but because the accomodations I would need for my triggers would just be too unrealistic to expect them to accomodate to (I've been in therapy for nearly 10 yrs, unfortunately some triggers just dont go away). And also bc I'm a sapphic trans guy and ,, man idk if that would piss people off.

I just want to ask, is it okay if I still view sex as sacred for myself but don't think poorly of people who have casual sex or sex with friends? If anything, I'm envious of them for being able to have such a connection to their friends that I would never be comfortable having.

I’m glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist, it’s very clear from your ask that you’re struggling with very low self-worth and I’ve been there and it sucks.

As for your question itself — sex positivity and sex acceptance are about finding a sexuality that feels good for you and don’t shame those whose sexuality feels good to them but isn’t the same as yours. If sex is something sacred to you that is for you alone or only to share with a select few then that is always valid as long as it feels good to you. At the same time, having sex with friends and having multiple partners is just as valid as long as it’s what the people practicing it wants. Neither one has the right to shame or devalue the other.

I notice a pattern in your ask, where you make claims about how you feel people will respond to you. This is a normal thing our human brains do, but this anxiety seems to be preventing you from going out and trying. You think but you do not know that people wouldn’t accept you. Thou think but you do not know that you wouldn’t fit in. Internet queer discourse is poison basically and people in the irl communities are usually a lot more accepting. Online we kinda forget that we’re interacting with other people, but irl we can’t do that as easily (although dehumanization of minorities is a thing, so not impossible but it takes a lot more organized, structural effort). In Swedish we have this expression “provtänka” which roughly translates to “try-thinking” or “attempting-think” where we sort of say a thought we had to other people, usually friends, to try it out. It can be something beneficial like “wait isn’t it strange that inflation is up 4% but benefits have only increased by 2,6%?” and then we can all curse capitalism together. But it can also be (and this is a real example of a thing I said when I was 16) “there are so many bad parents like shouldn’t the government like make you take tests and and out a license for you to reproduce so no children get harmed” and your friends will rightfully go “no wtf??? That’s such an over-reach of government power what are you on???”. Like you try out a thought that you haven’t thought about that much or aren’t that invested in and you do a vibe check basically. Like that pregnancy thought was whack but I hadn’t really thought about it. Luckily my friends were reasonable people who asked what tf was wrong with me and explained why that was a horrible thing and I haven’t thought that way since. Online, you sorta either get jumped which has the effect of you doubling down on your not even fully formed opinion bc you get defensive, or you find other whack jobs who agree and that’s how radicalization happens.

So to the point bc I lost it bc that who I am as a person: people are a lot more forgiving offline and if someone has doubts initially, they’re less likely to voice them, and if they do they’re likely to get checked, and if they don’t just spending time with you will humanize you (which is why people from bigger cities are usually more open-minded, bc exposure to people different than them).

And a last point to wrap up: you write that you’re “envious of them for being able to have such a connection to their friends that I would never be comfortable having”. Relationships aren’t a hierarchy. Romantic relationships aren’t superior to friendships, and sex with friends isn’t superior to hook-ups or long-term partners, and partnered sex isn’t superior to solo sex. They’re different flavors and not everyone will like the same thing. I can’t stand olives but I love pineapple on pizza. I once dated a girl who despised potatoes. Neither is better than the other. I can’t really understand why she would hate potatoes and most people I believe find it strange, but like that’s just her preference. And I know many people find me strange for my choices in pizza toppings (pineapple, banana and curry).

That is to say: it sucks when you feel left out of some type of relationship you’ll never have — I’m an only child hand have always been envious of people with siblings — but that doesn’t mean that type is “better” or that that type of connection is “deeper” than what’s possible within the types of relationships that would fit you.

-mod liz

[the-bloody-sadist]

Has there been pieces of media that have genuinely scared you before?

I’m actually a big scaredy cat! Although I find a lot of supernatural horror tropes uncreative and unmotivated, I also can only watch them through reviews by YouTubers most of the time because I don’t want to watch the scares myself. That’s one of the reasons why I prefer (and am more scared by) psychological horror. I enjoy that so much more than big scary demon haunts a house for the hundredth movie.

That is, if psychological horror has GOOD PSYCHOLOGY, which is even harder to find 😭.

With that said, the top horror types that scare me on a deeply personal level are: analogue horror, ARGs, and a category in cosmic horror that I would call “the earth wants to eat you” (i.e. Annihilation (2018) which shares elements with a part in a non-horror movie called Life of Pi that also terrified me as a teen, in which Pi lands on an island that is slowly trying to consume him whenever the sun sets.)

I’ll circle back around to the other categories, but in both Annihilation and that portion of Life of Pi, nature itself, having no consciousness as an entity that wants to kill or haunt or get revenge, is consuming all life as if to return living creatures to flora and fauna. In Annihilation, this is because of an alien force of life that has taken over a spot on the world that’s slowly growing, where the cycle of life is accelerated to the point that you see cells regenerate before your eyes. This causes tumors to grow in human brains in the course of a single day (causing madness—a particularly scary topic to me) and organisms take root inside their bodies when they sleep on the ground, which eventually grows out of them. When I saw this movie I wasn’t prepared for how it would affect me, and I was screaming my actual guts out when it came to the climax of the movie. I was so deeply disturbed that I couldn’t even go home to sleep on my own lmfao. There’s just something incredibly terrifying about the earth—meaning no harm and being an innocent creation—brutalizing humanity as it goes about it’s course. Again, if you watch it, the ending is the most disturbing part to me, and I had to cover my eyes for the whole scene AND WILL NEVER WATCH IT AGAIN 😭….

Next up, The Mandela Catalogue. If you know you know. I can’t see any images from it or hear the audio for the scares again. Anything to do with things that look like uncanny humans, things that pretend to be humans but are skinwalkers, and so on—I’m SO OUT. That’s the most terrifying concept to me. Along with this category I would include regular people not acting like themselves anymore—someone with a brain tumor perhaps who is acting odd or “innocently” attempting to hurt someone without full clarity of mind. HELP. Lmao 😭 the potential of it to be reality is way too close for me.

This is also why ARGs are also hard for me to watch. Since the whole concept is to portray it as reality and the creators will do everything in their power to tell the audience it’s not fictional, I have no absolutes and therefore cannot compartmentalize the fear it creates. I would never watch this kind of media except through the filter of a YouTuber reviewing it and explaining why it’s NOT REAL AND NOBODY DIED.

I do get disturbed quite easily by things like online media that’s strange (i.e. gory claymations by someone who was a weirdo irl and used the animations for his irl fantasies) and movies that are intensely graphic and have no positive elements at all. I know about pretty much every awful “banned” type film (A Serbian Film, Nekromantic, Cannibal Holocaust etc.) but only because I watch Mista GG make jokes about them so I don’t have to consider suicide. When things are made to be simply shock horror and have no clear point, there’s just something about it from a writer’s perspective that deeply troubled me. Because WHY DID THEY WRITE THAT SCRIPT???? If I can’t figure it out I get A BIT DISTRAUGHT….!!!

Lmao anyway, the last piece of media I’ll mention that REALLY unsettled me (except this time in a way where I think the film was brilliantly written and should be watched by those who can handle it better than me) is a movie called Mother! (2017). I won’t say much about it except that it’s an allegorical film representing the God of the Bible and his wife Mother Nature, and just….goddam, man. Religion in horror is always a turn-off for me or something I can’t handle, so this one hit hard after I realized what was going on. HIGHLY SUGGEST LOOKING AT THE ALLEGORICAL ELEMENTS BEFORE YOU GET INTO THE MOVIE THOUGH BECAUSE I THINK IT WILL MAKE THE EXPERIENCE SO MUCH BETTER. I went in totally blind and was sick with confusion.

ANYWAY! That’s all! Thank gods for tumblr where I can ramble to my heart’s content to the one person who asked 😵‍💫

[theflagscene]

Okay so I have a few messages in my inbox as well as comments on AO3 (which I will get to over there since I know not everyone has Tumblr or followers fic writers) and I didn’t want to reply to one or two anon messages explaining things and make that/those person/people feel like I’m like info dumping directly at them because they just happened to ask, that’s not fair. Also I didn’t want to reply to the non anon messages in private for the same reason, cause like, it’s a lot and a couple y’all just asked a simple question, it’s not your fault that the answer isn’t simple.

As for wether I am working on more chapters for Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, or is it abandoned? It is absolutely not abandoned, none of my fics are ever officially abandoned, even if I don’t update it for like months or even years (side eying a unfinished SPN fic I have from 3 years ago)

I am working on the fifth chapter of DIECYM, as well as all of my very late prompt fics and continuations and one shots, etc. Chapter five does take precedence obviously, so that’s the one I try to get the most done on as often as I can, I know waiting for a fic to update sucks, especially if you really enjoy it and I love hearing about people rereading it while they wait, it truly warms my cold lil heart. Also asking about updates never makes me feel pressured, I’ve mentioned this before, so please, never apologize for poking at me about possible updates or sneak peeks, etc.

Now to the info dumping, I’ll be frank and as blunt as possibly. A while ago I suffered a mental breakdown, some shit happened, it sucked and I couldn’t take it. I managed to power through a lot of it, I still wrote a ton, I actually wrote the first four chapters of DIECYM mid breakdown. Things have gotten worse recently, I am under psychiatric care and my support system is, I’d say pretty damn decent. Right now we’re just working on keeping me at home and out of the hospital, which is proving to be a difficult thing because to be completely honest, I’m not always this cognizant. I have a history of dangerous behaviour that we’re not looking for a repeat performance of tbh. And while all this is going on, I’m also looking for new housing as well as dealing with an chronically ill dog that needs to see a new veterinarian because her last one moved and I do not have the means to pay for that. It’s gonna cost me 100 dollars for the visit, 400 for the bloodwork and 180 for her medication. So nearly 700 dollars is needed for me to keep my dog well and that is basically my entire monthly income, I already use the food banks near me every couple of weeks to try and supplement the lack of groceries I’m able to obtain, but being a vegan, they don’t exactly have much that I can use. Which I know isn’t their fault, they help how they can with what they can and I’m grateful for their help every single day.

So between my dwindling mental health, heavy medication, housing stress, food shortage, money issues and an sick dog, I’ve been writing at a snail’s pace. I spend most of my days barely able to interact with people, online or irl. I mostly just sit, staring, my mother has more than once checked on me and thought I had just gone fully catatonic. I hadn’t, I can just focus very very deeply, like not even on the same plane of existence kind of deeply lol. Space cadet, that’s me! Point is, I physically can’t make myself write. Like the spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Oh, and I also might have fractured my left arm, so that also doesn’t make typing any easier. Just trying to get this all written out on my phone has been hell. I need to go to the doctor to get my arm scanned but I haven’t left the house in nearly 3 months at this point, so it’s like, yeah, just, ugh, not going great.

But to reiterate, none of my fics are abandoned, they are all going to get finished and are all currently being worked on. It’s just going to be way way slower than you’re used too, someone once commented to me that “the devil works fast but you work faster” lol. Well not anymore, the devil may win this time, my slow and steady tortoise progress will have to do for now 🐢🐢

I hope you can understand 🥰

[a-being-of-chaossss]

This is too important to stay in tags

This is my friend @thatoneluckybee. They make amazing points in these tags. Kids are going to die. For fuck’s sake, I would probably be dead by now if it wasn’t for the internet.

Last December, I was suicidal. I hated living everyday and couldn’t take it anymore. So, I made a plan to kill myself. One night, I decided that I wanted to go through with it.

Luckily, I was able to get myself to my dad’s room before anything happened and my sibling told my dad what was going on. I got taken to the hospital and stayed there the whole night. The next day, I was released. But one night can’t fix everything.

Due to other circumstances I don’t want to talk about as it is not my place to, getting discharged from the hospital made my suicidal thoughts so much worse. I lost a vital part of my support system and had no way to contact them for an unknown amount of time. The same fucking day, I had to function as if nothing happened and continue with my life. I went to school and had to pretend nothing happened. I isolated myself from my friends and was constantly breaking down. I wanted to die so much more than before.

Later that day I came on tumblr and I shared a little doodle I drew in math class. It got 3 reblogs. One of them said something along the lines of “I love it! He looks so cute! I can’t wait to see more!” I can’t wait to see more

That line. That line made me break down into tears. Someone valued my artwork and was waiting for more. They had no idea what was going on behind the screen, they just liked my artwork, but that made me realize: People care. People care about what I do. People would care if I just disappeared without any explanation. People would care if I was dead.

After that, I reached out to an online friend of mine at the time. I couldn’t face anyone I knew irl at the time. I explained the whole situation and they said that I was the reason they were still alive. If I died, they would never recover.

It took quite a bit but I started to like life again. I am not fully healed, far from it actually, but I lived. I survived. But not everyone does. Not everyone can have a story like mine where they come out on the other side.

In 2023, over 700,000 people worldwide died from suicide. That’s a hell of a big number but beyond that, the aspect everyone forgets, they were people. Real people. And I could have been one of them. Just a number, a forgotten name. But I was saved from that fate because of the internet. One random person on the internet who commented on my art, my former online friend; they saved me.

Kids are going to die if this goes through. I would have died if this had been a law in my country even 2 months ago. No kid deserves to go through what I did, especially alone.

This story isn’t to make anyone pity me; I don’t want pity. I want kids to survive. I want other people my age to be able to enjoy the content and community I have found a reason to live in. So, please, stop this bill. I am begging you. Please don’t let kids die.

GET KOSA TRENDING.

STOP SCROLLING NOW!

AS OF FEBRUARY 21ST, 2024, WE GOT FIVE DAYS UNTIL THE DAY OF DECISION OF THE KOSA BILL, WHICH WILL CAUSE MASS CENSORSHIP ROUND THE INTERNET IF PASSED. OR DOOMSDAY. WE NEED EVERYONE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS AND CONTRIBUTE. I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU ALL.

WE'RE DOWN TO THE WIRE BUT WE CAN'T GIVE UP YET. IF WE GIVE UP, EVERYTHING IS OVER. IF WE DON'T, AT LEAST WE HAVE A CHANCE.

I'M THE ONE WHO SOUNDED THE ALARM, AND I'M NOT GOING TO CURL UP AND DIE YET.

Reblog this post in every LEGAL way you can under the Tumblr guidelines with the appropriate tags. TELL AND TAG EVERYONE YOU KNOW, then add the tags to see below... and more if you can think of any complying.

Visit badinternetbills.com if you want to find a way to defeat KOSA. It WILL NOT take much of your time. Reblog with any other information or sources, too-- but make sure to reblog if you can.

Reblog if you support lgbtq+ content.

Reblog if you support questioning queer youth and/or abused youth getting the information they need.

Reblog if you support Ao3 and/or other sites that wholeheartedly preserve talentedly made media.

Reblog if you're going to repost this on other sites than Tumblr and spread the word across Twitter, Tik Tok, Pinterest, or elsewhere, alongside the link to badinternetbills.com.

Reblog if you think KOSA is unfair and shouldn't be anyone's problem -- including the adults ALL OVER THE DAMN EARTH forced to face the mass censorship it causes because "think of the American Children!".

Reblog if you support internet activism and Palestine.

Reblog if you hate fascism or censorship, and don't want actually serious and helpful conversations censored on the internet.

Reblog if you value the internet in any way at all whatsoever.

We won't let this stand any longer. Let's start a riot and get this trending.

[thefemcelthatdeservesbetter]

What happened ☹️

Before new year’s eve, i was thinking a lot about somebody who i used to be friends with. Last year, we were SO close even though we were online friends. Closer than i was with my irl bestfriend. They made me feel like someone cared about me A LOT. We’d talk everyday, send each other pictures and everything. I was so vulnerable with them. We’d tell each other everything. They knew i considered myself an incel at that time and they were okay with that. They would say stuff like “you go femcel loser girl” like it was some sort of cool thing but i was fine with that. I realized months later that they probably had no idea what that meant. I’ve talked about them on another post.

Suddenly they stopped talking to me. I had no idea why. I texted them for explanations but no response. I was left unaware. The least they could’ve done is TELL ME i did something wrong or that they just didn’t want to be friends with me anymore? But they didn’t even bother. I was left waiting for two months for an answer like a mutt. I don’t understand how you can just do that. When a day ago you were so sweet. It made me really sad since I’d ditch other people to have more time to chat with them. One day, i sort of lashed out in their dms and i sent a bunch of mean and disrespectful stuff. But can you blame me??? I was very angry. I sent apologies on my birthday and they ended up posting them on their story to mock me.

And two weeks ago, i was thinking about them, i really missed them. I hated how they immediately got super close to one of my acquaintances. How can you replace somebody so easily? Do you just love bomb them and then cut them off as if you never knew them? Without even telling them why? Whatever. I was really sad so i decided to text that acquaintance of mine to talk about it with them. I apologized properly this time and unblocked them. We talked it out and they admitted that it was wrong of them too to just cut me off like that. They said the reason why they stopped talking to me was because i kept saying i hated women and i kept talking about rape…… what’s so difficult about just telling me you didn’t like it? I could’ve explained myself, why are they never interested in why? When i finally did they were like “oooh that explains a lot! It’s a lot more clearer!” Well duh???

We became friends again, like immediately. I was surprised! But that was fine because i was happy. I was so excited. I noticed how they were now bestfriends with that person i know, which hurt and bothered me. I was just thinking uhh I knew you before them but okay it’s fine i can’t control you. It was so fun to talk to them again because they were back at calling me pretty and cool and everything.

They’d only reply during a certain amount of time because their schedule is pretty busy. I’m fine with that! But they’ve been ignoring me since sunday. I know they’re ignoring me because I’ve seen them watch my stories but not like them. I’ve seen them post and be online but they’d still not reply to my messages. I’m still waiting. Why does it have to happen again? I’m sure i haven’t done anything wrong this time. What did i do? What have i said that was wrong? Why can’t they tell me? Why do i get treated this way? Why are people so hard to understand? What did they see that changed their mind? Was i bad? Or maybe they were planning this? Maybe they wanted to make me feel worse by love bombing me again and then leaving me YET AGAIN?

I don’t like this. When will people stop leaving me ??????

You’re making it so hard for me to stay a sweetheart

[serenemy]

there’s something i have to clarify because i have come to think it’s been a source of a lot of issues with my family

here’s something you have to understand. (with the exception of, i used to think, my sister) my family doesn’t use spoken words to communicate serious things. they use spoken words to chit chat, make small talk and almost nothing else

for serious things it’s hard to even describe what they do. they use innuendo and hint dropping and behind the scenes maneuvering and manipulation

as i’ve been saying for so long i don’t remember a time before this being a problem: i won’t get it

meanwhile oral communication is the hardest form for me. so it enrages me and fucks with me that they won’t use oral communication for the things i need. but they want me to participate in this hardest form of communication i ever do for fucking small talk and chit chat

when i say i want to talk for hours unfiltered to anyone who will listen i mean it. but it has to be *in writing*

this is also why telephone calls are so hard for me. i think my refusal to use phone calls or video was one of the miscues that led dipshit to think i’m more compromised or insecure than i actually am. when the truth is i just find it physically and cognitively difficult and draining

in some ways (not all) i actually prefer video chat to voice call. i don’t like either. but if we’re going to do it and i need all the cues i can get, video adds some. the problem with video is i have to animate. and animating is hard and draining. please just let me be a robot. no one who pays attention *in writing* doubts the emotions are really there

i worked at law firms that viewed me as normal for years, including for a time a big one california. i’ve successfully landed multiple successful, interesting and conventionally attractive men. i’m good at oral argument. i can handle client calls and client meetings and mediations

at least, all that was true *before* i got sick. now what happens is that those things that were always so draining for me now *also cause really fucking shitty autoimmune symptoms* that my whole being quails to trigger

when i say “i seem compromised irl” i mean the real me. the one under the mask. and the mask costs too much physically now. speech can be physically difficult. eye to eye contact at close proximity provokes physical symptoms i don’t have the energy and focus to manage anymore

but they never met the person under the mask before i got sick. i think my sister has either always suspected or did eventually. and my kid knew but had no words to explain it to anyone because how could a child figure that out when the parent themself also doesn’t know or have the words. i assume it was unnerving to have a parent who animated in public but not at home. i didn’t realize because the non animation is the REAL me and i really do love my kid. i didn’t marry because i could never keep my end of it going past the honeymoon phase for reasons i didn’t then understand

but there is one person the honeymoon phase never ended with. the kid. that’s the biggest reason i hadn’t laid hands on another adult in all those years: when you have adhd and the star at the center of your universe is in your living room, and you can’t stay out of your own head long enough to meet even that person’s needs, and you have to work and operate a household, how can you pay attention to anything else?

so i think what happens is because my family still perceives me as the attorney going through a rough slump, they think i’m not interested in them and only interested in people online. but no it’s just that they won’t communicate in ways that work for me. and even though i’m the one with the cognitive issues—even though they say they understand and i don’t think they are lying per se—they treat this as something i need to fix if i want close relationships with people

what they aren’t seeing is that when they were with me on social media and in group texts i LOVED chitchatting and small talk with them. they’re my favorite people. because i am in so many ways a child who will never be able to fully grow up i just wanted to stay with them forever and just add my new people along the way to us. a lot of my issues come from the fact that in ways i and they never understood i’m just not and never will be a “normal” adult

but first they cut me off on social media because they decided i wasn’t really getting sick or struggling in any way i was just selfish, lazy, possibly mentally ill and spending too much time on social media

then we fought about politics and me too and covid and [redacted] and every other fucking thing so they cut me off the group texts too

there’s not really any mysteries here. i am mentally ill just not in the ways or for the reasons they (and maybe you) think

anyway i’ll break the bit or dishonestly pretend to or unreliably narrate the following to tell you a complete list of ALL my mental health diagnoses:

1. stress and anxiety. 2. depression

i was also told i showed indications of both ptsd and borderline personality disorder but not enough to make the diagnosis. he told me to go to counseling for those but only specific kinds of counseling and i’ve literally delayed this long for reasons i won’t bore with you to get a hard copy of the report to see what kinds. i did read about both of them and they made so much sense that sometimes i do talk like i have them but it’s true im not 100% sure

(when i said there would be reading i meant for the neurodivergences stuff)

[lqfiles]

as a cowboy the wind is my home 🤠🤠🤠

idk what that was anyways hi sending you ANOTHER ASK TO PROVE IM NOT DEAD.

i can’t uh explain…. the trust issues thing, i feel like some of my followers follow you too so i don’t wanna accidentally reveal myself but let’s just say i did a certain plot twist in one of my stories that nobody really saw coming and my inbox got blown up and i got really overwhelmed 💀💀💀😤😤😤 (i just revealed a lot YALL CAN’T EXPOSE ME OKAY)

man. winhyuck… my beloved. SM DOESNT GIVE THEM ANY CONTENT AT ALL WHICH is why i don’t blame you. but it’s fairly obvious especially during nct u eras where everyone’s together, like haechan always wants to sit next to winwin, when they were doing that relay hour thing, haechan fr went “I WANNA HAVE MY TIME NEXT TO WINWINS” (and that didn’t even happen bc originally they were together and then winwin traded his time) and on stage when they perform concerts together he’s quite clingy to winwin (as well as others so i see where you’re coming from)

i only really see it bc im obsessed with winwin, hence the multiple pcs i bought… of him. ahahahah. BUT ALSO FOR SOME REASON MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE HAECHAN BIASED? like idk where y’all came from but (not that im complaining) my irl bestie is haechan biased, a lot of my online friends are haechan biased, you are haechan biased, i’m literally surrounded. so i do pay attention to like winhyuck interactions bc… omg… look… it’s us… 🥺🥺

i also feel like haechan misses winwin a lot bc he’s “no longer in 127” (fuck sm) and so he cherishes the moments he gets to be with winwin. plus winwin actually reciprocates haechan’s advances in comparison to other people (ahem taeil)

sorry i love yapping i could yap about them and winwin for hours i just spent 20 minutes yapping to my boyfriend about how park jisung is not han jisung but i think he’s close enough tbh he put in the effort

anyways i hope u get a job omg have fun? MAKE THAT BAG GIRL and fr everyone needs to stay healthy get good rest get good sleep get good food and touch grass. love u 🫶🫶

- 🤠 who is still alive (for now)

omg you lowkey ate that.. you move like the wind OKAYYYY

OMGGG a good ol plot twist no one saw coming WELL DONE but now i might have dig the nct tags and search for your account because i’m lowkey nosy hsjdhdjdj

the way you feel about winhyuck is how i feel about markwoo and markmin, no one gets our nugu pairs but its okay because we see further than the normal human eye does, we can scope these little interactions out WE KNOW WHAT REAL FRIENDSHIP IS!!!

i feel like people who bias haechan all have some kind of sassiness to them like we truly are in the sassy apocalypse and haechan is lowkey to blame for it (endearingly of course) anyways all my moots are haechan biased too which is why i love sfs even if they got a bad rep like ILL STICK BESIDE MY COUSINS (sometimes..) hsjdkdk this is so funny tho because the way you act about winhyuck is exactly how i act about markmin this is sick 😭😭😭

THAT JISUNG PARAGRAPH IS HSKDHSKJEKWNKS he puts effort in is so 😭😭😭😭 we freaking love you PARK JISUNG URI GOAT ONE OF A KIND ❤️❤️

HOPING I GET THAT BAG TOO AAAGHHHH my fist pay check i will be buying new clothes and hopefully a new sims pack YES LORD hope you have a good day too ILY <333

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Rant/vent about Dreamlight valley and how Disney and gameloft are shit companies.

I just need to let this out, I’m sorry. I’ve been having so many anxiety dreams about it lately and it’s driving me mad. The sad thing is the game could be fun and I wanna enjoy it but it’s hard with the troublesome time glitch. It makes my anxiety nuts! Also the devs are very nasty and so is the community.

First of all, the staff it toxic AF! I was part of their discord and whenever ANYTHING goes wrong in the game and you report a bug they pin the blame on the player. I am not kidding!

Many of you probably heard about the time travel glitch right? Well that has been going on the day it was released back in 2022 and they STILL didn’t fix it. As usual they pin the blame on the players and there’s been literally hundreds of complaints about it. I tried to time travel because I just wanted more furniture and had a major panic attack when I first broke my game. I explained what happened as politely as I can and begged for them to try and fix it at some stage. They said “It is your own fault for breaking the game, not ours! We did not make the game to be played like that. Everything works as it should.” I told them I can wait for months and months while they worked on fixing it but they still refused and kept blaming me.

I begged them to try and fix it at least at some stage, years later still nothing. Tbh I think it’s a scam so players don’t use this to unlock more in game free furniture so they purchase their IRL money store online furniture packs out of desperation because Scrooge is a bitch who never has anything new. I have a major anxiety disorder so this bothers me greatly that I can’t time travel without these freakishly HUGE consequences. Time travel aside I have seen so many cases where players had the time wrong on their switch or had to travel over seas so they tried to adjust it and it broke their whole game. They angrily asked for a refund and rightly so but got nothing but been blamed by the devs themselves. I also want to time travel so I can talk to my villagers more often as you can only have one discussion once a day. I even asked if they can just allow us to talk to them whenever we want at will yet STILL nothing. How can I enjoy my favourite characters if I have to wait 24 hours to have ONE discussion with them?!

Also I had been bullied and had huge meltdowns in the discord sever and the devs did nothing to help and just got the shits with me. I really wanted Barley and Ian to be added but for some reason a lot of people in the sever hated Onward and openly harassed me and tried to downvote me as much as possible with rude emojis, some said mean things to me like how it would be pointless for them to do that. Some even said it was a bad movie to me and shouldn’t be in it, some claimed “we already have fantasy like furniture so it would be a waste.” I got violent emojis more times than I can remember like this: 😡💀👎❌🚫🛑🙅‍♀️ and it would be spammed! Like 20 of them! It got so out of hand I even got back into self harm as a result and the devs once again pinned all the blame on me.

I am talking about this because I’ve been having bad anxiety dreams lately. I wish I could just enjoy the fucking game but unless they get their shit together and fix those insane bugs I don’t think I ever will. I have grown used to the idea of my boys Ian and Barley never making it into the game because why would I want to see them in a shit game that causes nothing but anxiety for me anyway? If they do get added I’m just going to be all anxious about the time constantly and thus ruin any enjoyment. Worst game ever. Cozy game my ass.

[bea-trician]

Regarding a lot of upsetting things I’ve been hearing about Etsy;

To begin, I can’t ignore the reports I’ve been hearing about the company’s stance in support for is//rael and their practice of taking down listings that show support for Palestine or donate proceeds towards them. It stands in direct opposition of my personal political beliefs, which I have tried to make as clear as possible through the information and posts that I have boosted and shared on ALL my social media, not just here. What’s going on in Gaza is an open and deliberate campaign of genocide, and it’s sickening how long it’s been allowed to go on without any interference from the rest of the world. I want to do all I can to support the people of Palestine and keep calling for a permanent ceasefire.

I’ll admit, I didn’t really want to make my merch store on Etsy in the first place. I did so at the request of someone I know IRL who has been coaching me as I try to revive my art career. I’d been avoiding it due to details I’d heard through the Artist Grapevine about how unfair their policies are to the creators who try to make a living using their platform, and have now experienced firsthand the ridiculous premiums they charge for every single service they provide. The only reason my mentor advised me to set up a shop there was for networking purposes, and to make my items as easy to find as possible. At the time of making this post, my store hasn’t even been open for a month, but it’s taken up a huge portion of my daily life just to set it up and monitor it, and it has already been linked to all of my social media accounts. Now that I’ve sunk all this time into it, it seems like a depressing waste of time and energy to close the shop and have to start from the ground up on another platform. That, and I know for a fact that my mentor is keeping an eye on my progress and will expect me to keep it open, and I’m not sure how to explain my reasons to her if she sees me backing out.

Being on Etsy was far from my first choice for setting up an online merch shop. In the immediate future, I’ll be looking at other options. Most people I know use BigCartel, which I’ve heard good things about, and I do plan on creating more digital items to upload to my Gumroad store. As far as I know, neither of them have made any moves in support of is//rael, so if anyone is aware of related news that I haven’t heard about yet, feel free to let me know.

So far, I haven’t made many sales on etsy, and hopefully traffic will remain on the low side so it won’t be too big a transition to move my shop somewhere else. I don’t know the exact numbers, but I’ve definitely donated more to help Palestine than I’ve made off my etsy store since it opened back in January. Rest assured that I want to leave the platform as soon as I possibly can. In the meantime, however much money I make on my Etsy store, I will be matching or exceeding the amount in donations to pro-Palestine organizations.

I strongly discourage anyone from shopping on etsy, and if you do have interest in any of my merch items, I’m completely willing to sell them to you directly through DMs with payments over Venmo. I’m still making art, and I want to share it with you, without perpetrators of ethnic cleansing benefiting from it.

If you have no money but you DO have a minute, go to Arab.org and participate in the daily click. I’ve been returning to it every day, and the button can be clicked multiple times if you open it in different browsers or on different devices.

https://www.pcrf.net/

I’m going to do all I can to stand by my beliefs and correct this oversight.

Don’t look away. Share and amplify their voices. Call for peace and justice. Don’t stop talking about Palestine.

[satans-arse-crack]

Hey my lovely tumblr blog thing, how ya doing 😏

It has been ages since I’ve like said anything on here like a solid couple of months I think. I just wanted to come here and vent for a little cause there’s a lot of shit going on and I don’t know how to feel about it. I know that nobody is ever going gonna read this but it’s kinda just my way of getting shit out yk. If anyone happens to come across this and actually read it then good for your ig 😭 (none of this is gonna make sense which is my it is a random ramble) anyways onto the rambling 😗✌🏻

-Here’s some music to listen to ❤️-

These past couple of months have been overwhelming to say the least. My PlayStation account keeps getting banned for no reason. I had I strange clash with a girl I used to be friends with and all her little pals, it wasn’t a fun interaction to say the least

School is stressing me out to the max and I have no clue what I’m going to do

My friends are really starting to annoy me but I can’t do anything about it. I wish I could drop them but 1) I have no other friends cause they are my only ones 2) I feel extremely guilty even thinking about that

My online friend has really been causing me the most idk stress, anxiety, upset? Idk how to put it. He’s just been such an asshole for the past like 2 months and it’s getting on my nerves. I got really close to him and for ages I used to get like upset or anxious if he didn’t reply to me (I think I’ve got some kind of anxious attachment or something, it’s some kind of anxiety) but honestly for the past couple of weeks and especially at the start of the month he was just such an ass that it honestly gave me so much of an ick I started not to care anymore.

Speaking of that friend OHHHHHHHHH HAS HE BEEN SUCH AN ARSE ABOUT EVERYTHING. Basically I had tried to explain to this boy about how and why I seem to get anxious or upset when he doesn’t message me back or seems dry, and the mf started to use that shit againt me as a joke. Now I introduced my online friend to my irl friend at the start of November right. And they kinda clash but there seems to be no hard feelings, well sometimes when he decides he want to clash with her he sometimes brings me into it. Sometimes he’ll bring up stuff to make fun of me (shit I told him in serious conversations in full confidence) like he’s brought up the fact that I cry a lot, the fact that I get upset when he doesn’t message me, the fact I have no other friends. The list goes on for ever

This friend also constantly mentions how he doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore, how he hates talking to me, how he can’t wait to get rid of me. It’s confusing, if he hates me so much then why does he always invite me to ps parties, why does he sometimes message me when shit happens with his family like??

Also I know this friend has constantly lied to me in the past and it’s now pissing me off

I just can’t with people anymore they stress me out so much

Half of me wishes I could go the rest of my life is solitude but the other half hates being alone

Another thing, I feel so genuinely alone, I have no one to talk to, no one checks up on me, no one seems to make an effort to talk to me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t remember the last time I had a friend check up on me and be like “hey are you doing ok”

And if I’m being honest I don’t know what my answer would be cause I’m not doing ok at all, I have no motivation or energy to do anything anymore, Im scared im slowly loosing interest in my hobby. I’m scared I’m pushing people away. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just sad .

I’m just sitting here and waiting for some good luck and fortune to come my way

I’m honestly considering starting a journal, just to write in when I feel this way or just any time I wish. Someplace to get my feelings out when it’s needed. I might go into town in the next couple of days and see if I can find a nice journal somewhere

It feels nice to do this, feels like I’m talking to someone almost. Although no one will see this and I’ll never get a response it’s nice yk

I’m typing this on my phone and my thumb hurts really bad for no reason 😭

Anyways I’m gonna leave it here, might go off and cry or I might go try and sleep who knows. Also happy late Christmas 🎄😁

Buh bye 🤭🥰

[dragon-says-goodnight]

Of course they’re not superficial, my point was if you wanna boycott something, that’s entirely your right, for whatever reason you have, whether that is because of something very superficial, or because of serious issues. I also think if someone doesn’t bother boycotting, that’s their business, and it has nothing to do with how they feel about something or someone.

For example, I can’t really take people seriously if they say they trust me less if I buy something Harry Potter, while I also see them supporting games by Activision, Nintendo, EA, and while they’re supporting Disney. All these companies, and many more, are being supported by the PIF - the Saudi Arabia sovereign wealth fund.

That’s a whole lot more money going towards harming LGBT folks, as well as women and even Jewish people, than JK Rowling will ever be able to do in her lifetime. That’s not to mention all the products going to support Russia, their invasion of Ukraine and their own atrocious treatment of the LGBT community. I’d take it a whole lot more seriously if people kept the same energy for worse things as they do over one game. Not to mention that it’s entirely an online thing for me - everyone I know irl, including LGBT friends, don’t give one flying fuck, and those who play games are playing it themselves 🤷‍♀️ I don’t live in the Anglosphere and people generally don’t care what some author in a different country is spouting in a different language.

Heck, Disney even use child labour in sweatshops to produce their merchandise. Disney, Google, Microsoft, Apple, ACER, BMW, Nintendo and a whole bunch more (all in all 83 global companies) are using Chinese slave labour - they’re getting products made at factories using Uyghur labour.

It’s almost impossible these days to consume ethically unless you’re purchasing locally or from small companies. It’s almost impossible to use almost any social media without contributing to some serious harm, in one way or another. I guarantee you, that you have been giving a lot of money to some company or another that’s far more harmful to different groups than JK Rowling, including to companies that harm Jewish people and trans people way more than purchasing some HP stuff would.

In the end boycotting everything that is harmful is almost completely impossible, and to be honest it’s actually legitimately depressing to think about. All you can do is draw your own lines, and respect that other people draw different lines than you do. And just as you might not boycott Disney (as an example)for using slave labour, child labour and supporting a regime that is very homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic and very antisemitic, someone else might be boycotting Disney but buying a Harry Potter game. I don’t think there’s any point in pointing fingers at each other crying about who is more untrustworthy and doing more damage.

In the case of HP, I think it’s far more useful to have conversations with people who do engage with the content - if you think it’s harmful to Jewish people, have conversations and find out if they’ve picked up any antisemitic thoughts and pick that apart. If they consume whatever transphobic blubber comes from JK Rowling, have conversations and explain why she’s wrong. (General you here, not you specifically)

People/Steamers crying about getting shit over buying and playing hogwarts legacy vs trans people dealing with politicians and pundits calling for their genocide and being kind of understandably furious at streamers for enabling JK Rowling’s anti semitism and transphobia in the midst of fascists using any means to get legitimacy to kill people.

[iccaruus]

tw for mental health/psychosis/mentions of suicidal feelings in the tags. sorry i’m just emotional tonight and i need to talk about it somewhere but please feel free to ignore it