#but im not always here anymore 😭
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omg hi everyone 😭😭😭 im sorry i haven't been uploading anything, but happy late new year :] last year has been... very hectic for me, to say the least. im hoping this year will treat me and my family and friends even better, and for all of you, too, ofc!
i might no longer upload anything here or entertain any requests for the time being :( it's quite unfair for you guys if i leave my requests open when i know that, with everything going on in my life, i might not be able to prioritize that ;-;
im so so sorry everyone, but thank you for checking out my blog ^^ i love you all, and stay safeee
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immortality is so lonely
#my art lol#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#lumi vocaloid#'this will just be a warmup!' *spends nearly the whole fucking day lining + rendering it* 😭😭 THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS#i try to tell myself its ok if im no longer speed demon at drawing anymore b/c it means im putting more work into my art now#anyways ive never done smthn proper w/ her before and i wanted to try doing something for funsies#i also immediately turned around and did a shitpost right after this but im not including it here b/c this feels too serious lmaoo#realized her birthday's in a few days so good timing too ig LMAO??#queued this bc WOOHOO FINISHING SHIT AT MIDNIGHT WHEN I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING *dies*
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can someone explain to me why does my mum don't want me to be in my room and is forcing me to do my work downstairs 😃
#girl . im holding your hand while saying this#if im in my room it's because i chose to be#here i said it#i do not like being downstairs when there are people calm down#she just told me “what are you doing with your life” GIRL 😭calm down im begging you#she always want to know what i'm doing ? how am a supposed to tell her i just dress up and do silly things#she doesn't even want me to have my pc in my room 😭 girly pop ..#killing myself#she always think whatever i do i do it only because it's something she doesn't want me to do like 😟#how can you fuck up so badly . turns out you just don't want me to do things i enjoy#i kinda wanna hit her with a hammer sometimes but i stay kind 💗#someone help me i just wish she just stopped caring about me anymore i feel so trapped she always want to know what i'm doing#she's always behind my back it's sickening#as im typing this she literally called my name to tell me to hurry up and do my work downstairs THIS IS INSANE GLFGH#what is this tomfoolery#anyway yeah i'm good#j is rambling
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✧ — 𝐓𝐀𝐆 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄.
-`. 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 @carrionsflower and @loriane-elmuerto tytyy sm lori and airika!!!!! 🥀💌🐦⬛
✧ — 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓.
coffee or tea | early bird or night owl | chocolate or vanilla | spring or fall | silver or gold | pop or alternative | freckles or dimples | snakes or sharks | mountains or fields | thunder or lightning | egyptian mythology or greek mythology | ivory or scarlet | flute or lyre | opal or diamond | butterflies or honeybees | macarons or eclairs | typewritten or handwritten | secret garden or secret library | rooftop or balcony | spicy or mild | opera or ballet | london or paris | vincent van gogh or claude monet | denim or leather | potions or spells | ocean or desert | mermaids or sirens | masquerade ball or cocktail party
✧ — 𝐓𝐎𝐏 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐓.
𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐌 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 — bel canto.
𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐎 — nostalghia.
𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃 𝐁𝐀𝐑𝐊 — mannequin pussy.
𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐀 — chappell roan.
𝐃𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐎��𝐈𝐋 — florence + the machine.
— 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠:
@sunsofdawn, @pavus, @happilyobsessing, @girliefailure, @alvsanne
@auricfog, @jamessunderlandgf, @weisshaupts, @grapecaseschoices, @risingsh0t
@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @full---ofstarlight, @fenharel, @unholymilf
@aelyosos, @anoramactir, @roofgeese, @cloudofbutterflies92, @griffin-wood
@southernreaches, @chainsawsangel, @leviiackrman, @tethrras, @rosykims
@tommyarashikage, @carlosoliveiraa, @courtana, @lilywatt, @kroganloveinterest
@shadowsofrose, @celticwoman, @shadowsofrose, @dialdrunk, @kissingwookiees
@neonshrike, @confidentandgood, @lavampira, @adelaidedrubman, @imogenkol
@kanos, @deadrlngers, @elluvians and you!!!!!! 🥀💌<3
#only if you want to of course !!!!!! 🥀💌☺️!#leg.txt#leg.about#my campaign that shimmering is a a*rlathan you dancing with the wolf while a diss track of him plays starts noww#(i don’t have a fic planned maybe maybe about this there isnt a scene like this that i have in mind thats sillyy)#speaking of ITS DRAGON GAME FALL BESTIES and that means that all of the songs pertain to a dragon game clown or two 🥀🤡🥰 <3!!!!#california if you altered to missing seasons in lothering + come get me out of hightown it will make you crazy 🥀😖💀😵💫 !!!!! <3#thats helaenas song now 🥀😌🤧!!#daffodil and imago are soooo irulanne coded its like they were written for her my GOD !!#like irulanne as a character and wee bits of lucanne here and there are captured so well 🥀🥰 <3#and speaking of songs that were written for clowns loud bark was written about lhysa actually (joking) djdhgcgx ITS JUST SO HER !!!!!!#loud bark just GETS lhysa to the letter i cant wait to yell about her and all of the clowns more oh my godd#rattling the bars of my enclosure i am STOKED#a wee tardy so if you have done this already please feel free to pass on this!!!!! 🥀🥰#lhysa is such a special oc to me she’s been a part of me since i want to say?? 2015/2016???? SHES THE BABY OF ALL TIME and i just adore her#and can’t wait to yell about this worldstate and the rooks and the a*rlathan prequel peace dragon game i missed youu 🥀🤧#*piece#moots and besties as always if you read this im baking you cookies ty tyy for listening to me yell 🥀😭🥺💌🥹 !!!!#okie dokie back to replaying dragon game 2 (i may not need to anymore buut we remain committed anything for fenlaena 🥀😤 <3!!)#i will catch up tag games at a reasonable hour onee day 🥀🥴💀<3
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i genuinely want to try to get back into bts as a group . but i keep feeling like someones gonna yell at me or call me fake or something for trying i think i might have slight trauma from that period when i was getting a lot of mean anons lol
#like i want to maybe gif some stuff as i go through old concerts etc. but im like scared to post ot7 stuff n i know that sounds insane#idk#i dont disagree with the things i used to say on here#i just dont.... care to spend that much energy anymore like im tired enough 😭#and i still enjoy most of bts' music i always have#but we live in this weird alternate universe where thats not enough to be considered a fan#but the way armys treated me for criticising hybe and bts direction as a group only served to alienate me from them more#its all just ridiculous rly#it was never ever that serious lmao and yet i still feel this way
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i have to ask because i adore you and i want to know about your new blorbos- who are they and what are they and why are they always soaked in blood
JDHSJFHJFDDJFFSDFDF, oh man where do i start cassie.
they're from the anime/manga jujutsu kaisen, and they are:
gojo satoru. love of my fucking life. my fucking everything my boy my man, i am so so in LOVE with this man i cant even begin to tell u. he consumes my every waking thought, my life is dedicated to seeing him get fucked. (he's the guy in my header humping his all into the other's arm)


and (ryoumen) sukuna. beautiful sexy evil man.


(can u tell who's my fave)
so in this world, we have jujutsu sorcerers, who are people with special powers that they use to defeat/exorcise curses, which are basically evil spirits born of negative human emotions
gojo is the strongest jujutsu sorcerer alive. he is insanely strong, not a single person can go against him. his powers make it so that u literally physically cannot touch him. he controls "infinity" and can warp space, and he also has pretty special eyes that let him perceive things at a much deeper level than a regular person. those two things combined make him quite literally untouchable. and insanely powerful.
as for sukuna, he used to be a human who lived thousands of years ago, who used to be the strongest sorcerer of his time, and is considered to be the strongest sorcerer in history. he is the King of Curses, no one could ever defeat him, or destroy his soul, which he divided into his 20 preserved fingers so it would survive through time, even after dying.
so itadori yuuji


this lil baby boy (literally the babiest sweetest boy to exist btw) (he's actually the main character haha)
due to some stuff, he ends up eating one of sukuna's mummified fingers and sukuna reincarnates inside him. yuuji becomes a vessel for sukuna, who lives inside yuuji's mind now and sometimes takes over his body (reason why they look the same)
and now, yuuji is sentenced to be executed bc he holds the most evil sorcerer in history inside him, but gojo goes nope! wait a minute, let's not do that. and manages to convince the people in charge to postpone yuuji's execution, saying that they'll get yuuji to find and eat all of sukuna's fingers and then execute him, getting rid of sukuna all in one go.
ok so that's the context (that's actually what the anime's about haha), but as to gojo and sukuna.
THEY ARE IN LOVE
well, they're there. sdkkhfkjdkfdf
ok no, so like they do their things right. gojo is a teacher (tho we never actually see him do any teaching lmao) and sukuna lives inside yuuji and causes trouble sometimes. they don't really ever interact in the story (they literally meet and have a lil confrontation, decide to kill each other and never talk again djshjfdasdadfd) (until they actually have their Fight, more on that later)
BUT!!!!!!!! they may not interact, but they are completely tied together narratively.
as u can see, they're both the strongest from their respective times, so they have a lot of links when it comes to their characters themselves and what they are referred to in the story. specifically that, in being the strongest, they exist in a plane above everyone else, literally untouchable.
now, in the story, this position of strongest is coupled with solitude, being the strongest meaning u're alone and no one else understands you bc of this
and SO they have their fight. bc plot reasons right. this is obv what it was all gonna lead to. fight of the two strongest.
and the fight, consequently, revolves around that idea of solitude, and understanding each other.
which like. ok. yeah we saw that coming. ofc. no big deal.
EXCEPT, to make reference to their relationship and that idea of understanding each other, the term that is used is, and i kid u not, love.
there's a very specific phrase that is used multiple times between them. which is actually used originally with a character who shows romantic feelings towards sukuna.
she challenges sukuna to a fight and sukuna promises to marry her if she wins. her goal in this fight is to share in sukuna's solitude and show him love (read R→L)

but she says this to sukuna and this. this is his reaction.

SUKUNA KNOWS LOVE ALREADY

to which she gets super pissed bc that's not!!! love!!!!!!!
sukuna defeats/kills her. and u know when the next time that exact fucking phrase is used? when sukuna and gojo finally meet again and set up the date to have their Fight, where sukuna remembers her words

which tells us that.
sukuna was.
thinking about gojo when she said that.
*screams into hands*
BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE. this phrase is then repeated. multiple times.
1. right after gojo punches the fuck out of sukuna:

2. said in reference to gojo, when he realizes there's a chance of him losing:
3. gojo reminiscing about their fight:
so, as u can see, they were going to teach each other love. their fight is. canonically. about teaching each other love. what the FUCK.
but ENOUGH love talk (or else i'm at risk of going crazy insane)
LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW THEY'RE LOADED WITH SEXUAL TENSION
this was in their first meeting where they fought (for quite literally 10 seconds)
like... why he do dat.... .......... . ....
next day sukuna goes "hey im gonna kill u first <3" and gojo just goes "teehee omg really? *hair twirl* <3"
they also decide to have their final battle on dec 24 which is like a super romantic date in japan (explicitly said so by another character)
and their FIGHT. it is LITERALLY just them flirting and touching each other
LOOK AT THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i fucking lost it. i still haven't recovered. that is the hottest thing i've ever seen in my life. gojo wants that dick so fucking bad
not to mention thigh grabs and hand touchies
and the entirety of the fight is just them having fun 😭😭 they're supposed "enemies" on opposite sides and the fate of the world is at stake here, but they actually don't give a fuck about that.

they're literally smiling and having a great fucking time. this fight for them is just play. their fight is just for them to have fun as the strongest and to connect with each other. they're enemies but they don't hate each other or anything, they only search for that sense of fulfillment in each other OTL
AND ABOUT THAT, oh my GOD
sukuna wins. he defeats gojo. and at the end, this. is what sukuna says to gojo at the end of the fight:

FUCKING. I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU. SCREAAAAM THAT'S ROMANCEEEEEE.
and the soft smile? the fucking petals falling all over them? oh GOD they're trying to kill me
but that's on sukuna's side, what about for gojo? well
HE GENUINELY TRIED TO REACH SUKUNA, GAVE IT HIS ALL TO CONNECT WITH HIM. TO TEACH HIM LOVE AGFKDHSKFHFKJFHDF (BUT HE FAILED HE COULDN'T GIVE SUKUNA WHAT SUKUNA GAVE HIM 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭)
HHRRRRGJFHSJDFHDSJFSDFA KJHDKFJSFKASLDKS ADKJKFHEWRKJEKRKTRELRW
and if i start crying OTL
but alas *deep breaths*
even without all that they're just very fucking sexy. two insane powerful men going at it? come on. how could u NOT want them together. they both hold the same title of the strongest, might as fucking well fuck nasty about it.
and oh god, when i tell u gojo is a fucking brat and he's so strong and untouchable, but then sukuna is capable of putting him down which is. insanely sexy. and i need it. i need gojo obliterated. and i know sukuna won't let me down (AND HE DID NOT. HE OBLITERATED THAT MAN) can he now obliterate his holes too
agdkhfhdkhdhs, anyways.... yeah.. that is the situation.........
im just gonna end this by saying
SUKUGO MY LOVES
#f.ask#jjk#sukugo#i fr laughed so much at 'why are they always soaked in blood' sajhdkashfkjasflaf bc yeah yeah they are#and it's bc the fight's the only proper interaction they've had that was longer than a few seconds jhashdksafjk 😭😭😭#they're actually not new blorbos haha. i've had them for over three years since the anime first came out and i got obsessed#then i got into other stuff as u know. but right now my obsession has reawakened :D#but yes they're my otp yeah they're a fucking rarepair#jk tho. honestly honestly they arent a rarepair. not anymore#it just feel like it here on tumblr dfksdjfkdsj 😭😔#they used to be tho. it was so bad back then that i was literally the one who had to create the ship tag ajfhjasgfajhkahf#which like..i mean yeah. bc before it was ONLY their first meeting 10 sec confrontation and that 5 sec 'ill kill u' 'im honored'#that was IT for 3 years. their actual fight is recent#and it fucking killed me bc it was SO SO SO GAY. my starved lil heart was given so MUCH#IN CONCLUSION#i just want sukuna to fuck gojo that is all thank u for coming to my ted talk sukugo my beloveds <3#i feel like ive rambled too much hdasgdisfhkjafdkjdasds SO SORRY for making u read all that 🙈🙈🙈#i hope all this makes sense#and that it makes my posts a bit more comprehensible hahaha#giving u the biggest KISS <333333#and idk if u're interested in it but if u are then i'd def def recommend jujutsu kaisen!! it's really good its super fun!!!#full of Pain and Suffering too but like. shhh. it's super cool.
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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man i love the people im surrounded with. how did this happen. youre all so lovely😭
#istg tumblr is the BEST place to find people#all my current online friends who im close asf with are people i found on here#my girl my besties hell even some of my mutuals i dont talk to bruh#almost all of em were found on here#who knew life would turn like this bro. who knew#its grateful hours rn stfu idc#like yall. i cannot put into words how much you mean to me#im finally getting out of a mental rut thats lasted me a few months (school related) (school just ended)#and the fact YALL STAYED BY ME???#its small nd yall r gonna be like dub miguel. friends do that#but i aint never had that#like the past three years around this same time i have lost people important to me and lost core support systems over and over and over#and it feels nice that im better enough/healed enough#and surrounded by people who truly care for me#that thats not the case anymore. its so liberating and god does it make me want to cry tears of gratefulness that this is my life now#i am loved in so many ways that i cannot even recount right now.#sorry maternity classes gang (group chat) im gonna lovedump later on you tonight probably#man. mann.#this is my life#like#/pos#thats so lovely man.#wanna namedrop yall so bad bc people deserve to know you all and deserve to know how beautiful and loving you are#but ik i shouldnt for privacy😭#ily all tho#even if we aint talk much ur presence is always appreciated by me#sorry sorry ill shut up now😭#indigo speaks#yapping
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you know what? the best part of the new event is these gay ass toys



#‘my dear esnoir’ STOP WHAT#not me shipping limited event charchters😭😭#chauvigne out here with that kenergy huh#‘im listening. ive been listening’ why is that the most romantic thing ive ever heard in my entire life#genshin impact#shout out to these guys#was it casual when im your light in the dark that led you home… was it casual when you would keep searching for a way back even if there#was no clear way…#no because thif mf runs a LIGHTHOUSE so that his ‘friend’ could always find his way back home…#hsuajajaj HOYO I KNOW WHAT U ARE#this isnt even subtrxt anymore its text#m so real for that ugh
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r/regretfulparents is my hellscape. i know most of them are just going through hard times and venting and probably don't actually regret it but like. i genuinely think motherhood would be my most awful prison. the whole sub is like the scariest horror game the internet has to offer for me.
#im just already exhausted of being a mother and i dont even have kids 😭#(i do. hes fifteen and dyslexic and ADHD and my little brother)#(yes mom i did take care of him a shit ton i am not exaggerating it)#(there is a reason he tells people i basically raised him and he asks ME for things before asking our father who is your coparent)#(there is a reason you sigh in relief when i come home from break and ask me to 'whip [my dad and brother] into shape')#(there is a reason i spent my thanksgiving day being bitched at to do everything)#(even though you have a husband!)#(and another grown adult kid!)#(who's actually older than me but hasn't lifted a finger to help the family)#(she always said she'd be like fiona gallagher if anything happened to our mom"#(NEWS FLASH. YOU WOULDN'T BE. YOU DISAPPEARED. I STAYED.)#(even before you disappeared you weren’t allowed to be a caretaker)#(you couldn’t care for him. you were banned for being violent)#(I shouldn’t have been putting someone else’s kid to bed most nights of the week)#(then when quarantine hits and my mom has the time to be a mom again)#(she gets mad at ME for being overly involved and acting out of pocket)#(girl. this is how things work around here you just didn’t notice)#(whenever I come home from school now she completely checks out)#(she makes comments about how she’s glad I’m home so she doesn’t have to make all the decisions anymore)#(because im so bossy! and then I get made fun of for being bossy! you made me like this! you want me like this!)#(I am not your partner I am your daughter)#(my dad is more of a dad and husband in recent years but it quite honestly didn’t seem like it happened until I moved out)#(because he didn’t have to step up and do that shit it was just dumped onto me)#(and no I don’t want to have a kid to be better or something. im done raising kids. im going to be better for myself)#(I know I could do a hell of a lot better. but. im. not. going. to.)#(my childhood was for them. my adulthood is for me.)#(my students will be the only kids I have and that’s for damn certain.)#mattie gets personal
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my mom's college is sooo nostalgic 😭
#i used to come here as a kid#when we had a holiday but mom and dad had jobs to mom would carry me and brother here#she has her own huge department and its separated from other staff rooms#and there's a huge blackboard that students would draw on with colorful chalks its still there 😭😭#and frames of different anatomical structures#and the kitchen inside#and menu cards prepared by students all over#she's home science and english teacher so she has it all a bit of nutrition stitching and sewing cooking medicine table manners#chemistry biology literally everything#and the students prepared files with pretty covers and id pick out all the decorations from the files when they passed out#and in practicals mom would make them prepare tastiest dishes everyone got a sweet and one savory to prepare#and mom always has craziest idea she loves cooking so you can imagine the dishes i got to taste#the glass and foil paintings are still there 😭😭🥹🥹#and the cutlery#there are lot more wall hangings now#and the one huge center table is reduced to two small tables#and the department has got one new teacher shes so young#i mean its not so grand but ofc its grand it contains my childhood#the canteen and bookstall don't work anymore no idea why the owners abandoned them after covid#im so 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹#im meeting my school friends here then we'll go shopping
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i had been meaning to check on my one mutual who liked bucktommy but i couldn't remember her url and i couldn't see her in the people i follow and it's because she blocked me...my bad
#it's funny because we're mutuals because of stranger things right. have been since 2022 and her st blog is a sideblog and i only followed#her main earlier this year or last year idk but i'm blocked from her main and not from her sideblog (that's how it usually goes because#people forget. but i always think it's funny)#i genuinely think it's because of the bucktommy thing like maybe she saw my post from the other day (i don't know because i don't know when#she blocked me and i had that tag filtered so i didn't notice a sudden change in how much i saw them on the dash and also im#lowkey never here anymore) and that was her last straw but it's funny because i don't even watch the show like i obviously don't actually#care😭 but i kind of get it if my favorite ship of the moment broke up and someone made fun of it i would maybe block them too. maybe not.#it would depend on how much i liked that person. obviously. and i thought about her the other day too because i talked about something and#it reminded me of a post i made like...a year and...10 months ago and i remembered that she replied to that post and gave me advice! now#i'm not even allowed to read it. i did read it just now because when i opened the post it opened it like on maddy-ferguson.tumblr.com#not on tumblr.com/maddy-ferguson you know. but you know#and like i say: brf slt
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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no, because chris went back to the place his parents met each other to get space from his dad, but maybe also to try and understand him. so he goes back to the place where he grew up, the place his dad grew up. he does down to the lake where his parents fell in love in that childish, magical way teenagers do. where they just sat together on a boat and talked and enjoyed each other's company until the sun went down. he went there and tried to imagine his mom and dad happy together because they were happy together, right?
does chris remember them happy? he hardly remembers the sound of her voice, but does he remember the sound of his parents arguing? or is his memory of their family preserved in that childish, magical haze from their last christmas together?
he loves his mom, he knows his dad does too. he was mad at her for leaving because he wants his mom and he wants that perfect christmas morning family again.
do you think, as he sits by the lake his parents fell in love at and watches the sunset thats beautiful but not as beautiful as his dad said it was, do you think he realizes that maybe hes not the only one stuck remembering their family in that childish, magical haze?
#everyone is talking about the new mustache pics but im still here#because do you???#do you think chris will understand#ofc hes mad ofc he has every right to be mad#but do you think he will get it#because he cant not think about it when hes down there#he cant not try and picture his parents like 15+ years ago (how fucking old are they again 😭😭😭) and imagine them how his dad said#and maybe the way his dad talked about her then is the way he always talks about her#gentle and warm and loving#and maybe chris remembers moments from before she died when his parents were not that#not gentle and warm and loving#and maybe he gets it#he cant remember his moms voice anymore#maybe his dad cant remember her anymore#anyway#just a thought#christopher diaz#eddie diaz#shannon diaz#me thinks
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watching wolf mv for the first time in years just got jumpscared by so many things.....
#chogiwa being the least jarring bit oh how times have changed#they're not zesty like this anymore 😪 (apart from shoomy) 😪 am dying soon just like their twinkism..... 😪#sehun's hair was so cute ppl would go crazy if he did it now... too bad it's all gotta go but there's always exo-sc3 (im delusional)#the part where half the group are crawling around and growling in the back 😭😭😭 the mental torture they put these boys through back then#filming one of these mvs from the early days was probably more mentally taxing than an entire year of their career now#and when the wolf becomes junmy oh good lordkfghkfs he's the wolf girl that post was talking about#was gonna say shoomy is wolf girl but he's fox girl instead#i never listen to wolf so i forget about baekchen going crazy at the end woah.....#obsessed with how jongdae has always been the best looking guy here in both physical appearance and singing abilities . so sexy i wont him#.txt
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#saying this a week later but JDJDJDJD i started talking about it here n i guess i should update#but yeah we're meeting in a few weeks#by OURSELVES FHRIDZIKZZKKZKZKZ GOD#i told him im not seein the other ppl (except 1) anymore and he said he isnt either. so i guess its just me n him now LOL#if i wanna see him i gotta ask n not just rely on him being at a dinner JJDJDJSJSJSNSN#it was going no where tho. like they were so dramatic. esp the last time. and so mean to him. it really pissed me off#and then its like. id go mostly to talk to him but we'd always get interrupted or something n couldnt even talk much !!!!!#so this is a lot better.... or i guess i hope it is idk JDJDJDJJDNX#ive been alone with him b4 but never for long bc either 1. someone interrupts us or 2. we get to our cars n leave#n e way. im really nervous ngl. and so many things have gotten in our way and so if something else happens i really wont be surprised idk 😭#personal
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