#but im just really proud of myself that im dont even want to harm myself

[disastrqueer]

.

[gay-fordeath]

.

[your-queer-dad]

hi dad! im a new kid of yours, but i felt the need to get this, out, i guess? also, if this is too much, feel free to delete the ask.

ive been having bad thoughts lately, like BAD thoughts. id say scrwicial but it's mainly just $h. i havent actually hurt myself, but ive come close to it. if it gets too bad i talk to my bf about it and he kinda snaps me out of it? and, idk what to do. they just wont go away. i have a tender kit and i know the proper way to do aftercare. i also told myself, i would never do it. always, as a kid and even in the last year ive told myself "i would never cvt, my pain tolerance is too low" and it still, like, idk, haunts me?

this is very much worded weird but yeah. if you have any tips on this or even just some reassurance, it's always helpful. i do have a blog about my mental health i dont mind sharing the url if you want me to. love you dad <3

-🦋❤

Hey kiddo, as someone who's in sh recovery, I completely understand the feeling and it's really hard. I would recommend finding a different outlet and a different way of releasing that urge that isn't harming yourself. I know it isn't easy but I promise it isn't worth it. I'm so proud of you kiddo. And yes, I would love the blog URL so I can check it out! Love you too kiddo

- dad x

[certifiedgoofball]

a rant about how fucking ANNOYING my ex was when it came to my npd (even though HE HAD BPD HIMSELF) ok so first off, he was the one to help me realize i probably had bpd. and it was NICE because i was figuring things out abuot myself and i felt like i could talk to him and i was being really open. but after a bit i started feeling weird with the label, and i was noticing that i had a lot of symptoms that didnt match up with bpd, so i started researching other pds, which led me to NPD. but i had a lot of internalized ableism around the idea. so i pushed it inside myself and bottled it up, until i saw something frmo someone with NPD that i related to so deeply that i couldnt push it down anymore so i started doing more research on npd and looked at experiences from people with npd. and it made sense! it made so much sense and looking through tumblr seeing stuff from ppl with npd that were proud of their npd and were open about it and were so similar to me made me happy. so i decided to tell my boyfriend, because he was, yknow, my BOYFRIEND, and i felt i could trust him. i tell hiim that i think i might have it. at the time i was like 99% sure. and the first thing he says is i probably dont because im "too nice" and that hes SCARED. of my fucking personality disorder. which doesnt help my internalized ableism at fucking ALL. but i put it off im like whatever okay hes an anxious person its fine. but no, it just keeps going. he starts to talk about how he thinks his terribly abusive mother has npd. about how he has so much trauma over the term and how his mother is such a terrible narcissist abuser and how he still believes in narc abuse to an extent. and im like, what the fuck? listening to the things hes saying his mom doesnt even seem like a narcissist. she just seems like a regular fucking abuser. but no, of course, tell this to your boyfriend that confided in you about a terribly stigmatized disorder he thinks he might have, because of course thats good (sarcasm). and then he tells me that whenever i talk about npd i trigger him and i shouldnt talk about it so much. i shouldnt talk about my fucking PERSONALITY DISORDER. the disorder that makes up my whole personality, the one that affects the way that i think and view the world and others. but no, of course, youre allowed to talk about your bpd as much as you want, but i cant talk about my npd. (sarcasm again). if you cant handle me talking about it, imagine what its like to fucking LIVE IT. to have a disorder that everywhere i go there comes up shit about how every pwnpd is a terrible abuser and they dont deserve respect, and then i confide in my fucking BOYFRIEND about it, because i TRUST him, and i just get more stigma thrown back at my fucking face. this one is just kind of annoying and not like objectively bad, but i show them this meme one time thats like "what to do to all narcissists: tell them theyre always right" and they respond like "uhm ackshually.... its harmful to feed into their ego and tell them theyre right when they arent" LIKE I FUCKING KNOW YOU IDIOT!!! i know im not always going to be right! i know that!!!! and then they talk about how they arent comfortable when i ask for supply because they dont want to fucking "feed my ego" like what the fuck!!!! what the fuck is wrong with you!!!! and they would get fucking upset when i headcanoned a character to have npd. like what the FUCK is wrong with you. ughh!!!!!! god. they make me so angry!!!!

[darishima]

puppy your game collection is beautiful i dont know what most of those are except like the disgaeas (because youve explained them before), disco elysium (the occasional meme crosses my dash), roblox, and undertale maybeeeeee you could give me a tour of the others you like and what theyre about and stuff! whats muse dash ouppy that sounds like a rhythm game ^w^

thank you i know its incredible :3c soo here it is again i will go game by game and yap my ouppy little head off im sorry

starting from the left! desmume is a DS emulator that i got to play puyo puyo fever, a fullmetal alchemist ROM and a lucky star ROM and PPSSPP is a PSP emulator i got for uhh. i cant remember which game i specifically installed it for. i think it was puyo puyo fever 2?

roblox is. you know. roblox

my hero one's justice is a demo i downloaded from steam which i have not actually played LMAO i got the demo to see if i wanted to buy the full game but i guess its pointless because i havent bothered to check out the demo

class of 09 and class of 09 re-up (the sequel) are visual novels, hard to explain what theyre about.. basically its all about toxic evil yuri and drug abuse and self harm. its like if needy streamer overload was about coked up high school lesbians

disgaea pc is the second best game ever made

disgaea 2 pc is the number 1 best game ever made. no further explanation necessary

i have not actually played dont starve yet, it was recommended by a friend so i bought it during the steam summer sale for like 2 bucks. from what ive heard, its a survival game, kinda like minecraft if minecraft was way harder and the game hated you

disco elysium is the same, recommended by a friend, i bought it for super cheap during the summer sale, and have not touched it yet LMAO

muse dash is a rhythm game yes and its FUCKIGN INCREDIBLE. AND IM AMAIZNG AT IT. LOOK AT THESE SCORES BONESY ARENT YOU PROUD OF ME

full combo means i hit every note and didnt miss a single one >:3 im genuinely really good at the game not 2 brag,,, and YES you saw that right, hatsune miku and kagamine rin and len are playable characters!! they come with two respective DLCs which also come with a bunch of vocaloid songs and i bought them both <3 these are their sprites in game!

and if you buy it it gives you a bunch of adorable art on the loading screens :3 this isnt even all of them just a few i screenshotted. if i screenrecorded myself killing it in muse dash would you watch the video teehee...

ok back to game yapping. leaf blower revolution is an idle clicker game i got for free on steam, which i got insanely hyperfixated on for three days and played for like 14 hours straight once and then gave up and never touched it again

yume nikki is a little pixelated adventure game where you explore around a girl's weird dreams. the soundtrack is INCREDIBLE especially this song. its transcendental. listen to it while youre high trust me you have to

DDLC requires no explanation i think. its ddlc. you know what it is theres no way you dont

the song of saya (saya no uta) i will be yapping extra about because i LOVE IT. its a horror eroge visual novel about a guy named fuminori who, after a brain surgery, sees the entire world and other people as a disgusting fleshy abomination, whereas everything looks normal to other people. for example this:

is a completely normal hallway. but it looks like that to him. then he meets a girl name saya, who is the only thing in the world that looks normal to him, and he falls in love with her

and i reeeally really dont wanna spoil it cause its really good and i highly recommend you go watch it (theres a full playthrough on youtube) but lets just say saya is Not as normal as she looks.

celeste is a game ive only played a little of, but i love it so far. its a platformer about a trans woman named madeline climbing celeste mountain, and encountering a personification of her self doubt that she has to overcome to get to the top. i lovee the style of the game its so pretty and way easier than i expected it to be, which is great for me because im garbage at every game in the world that isnt muse dash or disgaea

disgaea 4 and disgaea 5 are self explanatory. i ADORE d4, though im not super far into it, but i havent started d5 yet im waiting until i finish d1 and 4

phantom brave is a game set in the same universe as disgaea which crosses over with it, i havent played more than a few minutes of the game but obviously i love it so far cause its similar to disgaea. im waiting to jump fully into it until i finish d1 and d4 though

OFF is an rpg also recommended to me by a friend, i downloaded it online but havent touched it yet 😭 pro at owning games i dont play

omori is also very self explanatory. i downloaded it off my friends steam account and he and i have been playing it together, im not far in but obviously i like it, i knew i would. aubrey is sooo mecore <3 i really need to keep playing it... i should have gotten into omori sooner. actually no i take that back because i think 14 year old me getting into omori would have been so world-ending that it would have shattered my psyche

spore is spore. idk how to describe it. you make a fucked up little creature and you make the fucked up little creature do shit thats the whole game

undertale is also very self explanatory. and boom thats all my games :3 well i also have animal jam classic which didnt fit in the screenshot but theres not much to say about that. other than the fact that i own a super rare nonmember mantis pet and im proud of it. and my den fucks

okay thats more than enough yapping im sorry .. stop asking me questions because i do not know how to shut up. ily though thank you for asking :3c

[its-the-sa]

hey its the original creator of that weird symbol someone asked about. i only shared it in a few places so im not sure how it got here but

the top is inverted self preservation (left on the right right on the left similar to the inverted companionship symbol in the dragon slayer passage) and the bottom is violence. therefore, the symbol means "inverted self preservation through violence" — in other words, self-harm/suicide.

i originally made it for angst. whoever sent that anon in is... tone deaf, to put it lightly. i'm sorry you had to deal with this.

oh, wow! thank you for taking the time to tell me this, i was genuinely really curious about that symbol, but the original anon never responded so i thought it'd always be a mystery.

im sorry that anon shared your symbol without your permission, and if you want me to delete the posts about it, i will.

but im ngl, i kinda dont want to, because it was a really interesting puzzle that i enjoyed trying to solve. (and i am maybe feeling a little [a lot] proud of myself that i managed to guess the meaning correctly, lol.) i didnt even realize that the top part was meant to be survival inverted, and i had no idea that dragonslayer had companionship inverted in it.. this kind of thing is absolutely fascinating to me, and i am going to spend hours analyzing all the canon symbols with this in mind now...

but ofc if its a personal thing to you, then none of that matters. just lmk and i'll delete those posts, no problem. i just wanted to let you know that it wasn't something i 'had to deal with', and you have nothing to apologize for. thank you!

[anti-rq-enot]

hiya!! you seem rad so ig i just wanted to hop in here to get a second opinion on something (if you’re uncomfortable with what im about to say or just generally don’t wanna respond feel free to delete/ignore)

but like. am i the only one that’s really uncomfortable with para flags and stuff like that?? (like as in pedo, zoo, etc not things like objectum bc its objects wtv go crazy yk)

this could just be me being ignorant or even ableist so feel free to call me out if it is, but like when i see people like talk about their attraction to kids and animals and stuff in a casual non negative way and like make flags for it i just feel gross. for context im a minor and somewhere on the alterhuman spectrum, and i LOVE animals (in like a normal way), and like im cool with paraphiles that like get help and like discuss their illness in certain places in a normal way but like when they’re like “yeah i wanna fuck kids lol” and make flags saying that they wanna fuck animals or kids or something even if they’re anti contact it just feels so gross to me and makes me feel unsafe. shrug.

i just cant tell if im the only one that feels this way bc like a lot of ppl in the anti rq community dont feel the way i do about this and think all that is fine as long as your anti contact and idk i just cant tell if its ableism or if its not but it just makes me feel icky.

apologies for rambling i just kinda wanted a second opinion bc idk if im just being a douche or not. again feel free to ignore/delete if this aint something you wanna respond to idm

oh boy my first ask :D

Okay so I will admit I am rather new to this community but I feel like what you're saying here is completely valid. As a kid yourself I'd imagine it's pretty terrifying to see people creating these flags that are pretty much openly stating that they're proud of their harmful urges (Again, I could be very wrong about this.) Like yeah i have very graphic intrusive thoughts about violence but I'm definitely not proud of it and actively do everything I can to make sure I never hurt anyone-- you can tell if I'm angry or scared because I'll shove sharp objects away from myself.

Again, I bear no hatred towards people with these urges as long as they seek help for it and try to minimize their risk of harming people as much as possible. (And as for nonharmful paras like objectum I don't really care what you do, you're not hurting anyone.) If someone does some crazy shit with their (ADULT, HUMAN, CONSENTING) partner I don't care, but if you proudly display the fact that you want to screw toddlers in your posts and aren't ashamed of it don't be surprised when I don't trust you around my younger friends.

Someone might call me bigoted for this but if anyone disagrees or I got something wrong PLEASE let me know. I am genuinely curious to see what others have to say about this.

[cheeryoss]

i just spent like an jour or two on call with someone i didnt rlly wanna call the only person i feel comfortable calling is my cousin and one of my friends everyone else i feel forced to bring energy. the girl i called with his pretty funny but like she never responds to anything i say and i get cut off alot. and its just like. i dont know shes so self centered i can’t believe i had a crush on her. i really hate when im cut off.

also i called my mom to tell her about hosa and okay. i love her but she acts like she knows everything about me no you fucking don’t im not some shy girl who can’t talk to people at all anymore. i can when i need to you dont know me.

anyway i HATE school . i think i may end up a no one and homeless or just. i dont know my thoughts are getting really negative as of late and this just i dont think this is me,???? usually im so positive and i know the steps to better myself but this time i just have no energy and I actually don’t see a very bright future for myself but also i know logically that’s probably not true. my grades are good and i have a decent stack of academic achievements so ill probably get inro some good college or university and then get an alright career. but then what? i marry a man, have kids, and end up doing nothing.

i dont wanr to live like that. i need to die proud of myself. i think thats another reason I haven’t killed myself.

sorry this vent is so lame i think i just went on to go on about something. infact, i dont even really like centing in online spaces because of how harmful it is. ill get stuck in some negative feedback loop because of the content i post and my blog being full of this. its just not wise. but i dont know where else to go with tgese thoughts? when i bottle them up i just cry. I haven’t gone one day without crying in a long while. im not telling my mother i need a therapist, and quite frankly they dont even look that useful. so its just me who has to fix this. but im really worried I can’t. that’s my biggest fear. ill just end up a failure to past me, present me, and future me. my family and friends too, everyone whose ever complimented me.

I started this off with wanting to throw a decoration piece in my living room but now tears just came out.

i dont think ill ever be loved. not in some main character “AGGHG IM SO UNLOVABLE” but just like. i think im boring. Aand im not super pretty. In the romantic sense, that is. But i guess the platonic way also, but im not gonna sit here and act like thats not the case. I know i have my mother, and my friend/cousin, my other friend but truthfully i dont know who else.

i act like love is this big thing and i only love a select amounr of people, but i think i love anyone i get close to. i actually think i can love alot of things. i dont wanna be selective anymore. i wanna love alot. i wannna live a life where i can confidently say i love tons of things. i wanna love. love is the main thing keeping me

I wanna get better for everyone i love. I dont want to fail and they have to see it. I want them to know things can and will get better if you try.

im crying now but im so sorry to everyone ive ever hurt i love you i really do

[no-more-rqs]

Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm actually radqueer myself. Uh but I just have some genuine questions for you? I'm not looking to fight, I just find your account super super interesting.

I was scrolling through it, expecting you to be vocally anti para/transid like most anti accounts, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that it seems like you're the complete opposite. You're passionately pro para, and also seemingly (from what I can tell) pro transid? Though anti transition in specific circumstances, and anti using the prefix "trans" outside of transgender related contexts So, how exactly are you anti radqueer? Because it seems like we share most beliefs /genq

to clarify: im not against using the prefix "trans" outside of "transgender", im against it when the term shouldnt be pro-transitioning at all (like with transharmful or transracial). "trans" literally means "to go across", so if itd be harmful to transition to something, it shouldnt use the prefix "trans" (i genuinely could not care less about the "its comparing the experience to being trans" argument literally who the hell cares + L + ratio + you sound like a transmed /not at anon)

im anti-radqueer because im against the community itself, not the beliefs inherent to it. the radqueer community heavily leans pro-contact (even if you dont see many open pro-cs on tumblr, many many people who claim to be anti-c are secretly pro-c but just dont tell anyone outside of private discord servers and disguise their actual beliefs behind being "pro-consensual contact" and the classic "what if an 18 year old dates a 17 year old, wouldnt that be fine? is it illegal to hug your pets?" arguments). i know this firsthand from being in radqueer discord servers and finding 100+ pro-cs who all pretended to be anti-c in public but, in private, admitted to stalking, rape/assault (of children as young as four and animals), grooming, and abuse. this is because "radical acceptance of everyone, including people who everyone hates because no matter what people are just uneducated" is really not a good ideology to have. its the paradox of tolerance - if you accept everyone, you accept people who will hurt others, such as abusers, rapists, and nazis (which, yes, there are legitimate pro-transitioning transharmfuls in the radqueer community, they arent all "just trolls" like a lot of people say). you have to draw the line somewhere, and the radqueer community doesnt.

the radqueer community also isolates people from support systems irl. i dont know how common it is for people who are exclusively on tumblr, but on discord, i was told to cut everyone off and never tell anyone about myself and only engage in the radqueer community "for my safety". people tell you to never listen to anyone who tells you youre wrong, never listen to any arguments or read any articles, never even think about leaving the community because its the Only Morally Correct Ideology (no ideology is morally correct. anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. every ideology has biases and problems and flaws)

yes i do sort of agree with the basis of radqueer beliefs (pro-para and pro-transid) but the community itself and the fact that those beliefs are extremely vague and could encompass literally anything (i knew one person who was completely anti-contact, anti-proud paraphiles, anti-MUD, anti-transid transitioning, and anti-incest and another person who was grooming their six year old sibling and "dating" their pet bird and attempting to have sex with both of them who was also radqueer. neither of these people are excluded from the radqueer label and both fully identified as radqueer) is a huge problem. i personally think more specific blankqueers are better, except pretty much all of them are either 100% anti-everything or 100% pro-everything (the "idcqueer" labels and similar are ESPECIALLY stupid as fuck. "idc" "im too tired for this" "i go outside actually idc" *proceeds to explain every single belief and stance it has*) and there are a billion of them and no one can keep track of the definitions and flags for all of them

[mamas-filly]

Hey a significantly less fun diary?

It's just a really big vent.

(It's probably just my medication wearing off)

I know I dont have a massive following like some others, but this is by far the biggest platform I have ever had. And it kind of exhausting? I can't be myself as much as a curated slice of who I am, and even then, it's hard to negotiate my own self-worth with the incentives that social media creates. I feel like im losing time any time I am not creating. I enjoyed writing, I still do, but now I feel guilty when I hit a roadblock or lack motivation. Writers' block has become physically painful in a psychosomatic way. I want attention, I want approval, and in a way that desire is toxic to everyone else?

There are some behaviors I felt no shame in I've come to believe are harmful to self and others, but it's made self regulation harder. Which then comes with its own shame and guilt.

I struggle to find the right amount of "pathetic" to be charming without being too desperate and needy. A way to hold that pain back so something can be given to soothe. Im aware that im proud and capable of independence, but I would throw it away in a second. And I think that's kind of a red flag. Even knowing that these desires and patterns are not good, that alone isn't enough to break out of them.

I normally wouldn't post this big vent, but I feel like it's important to remember the people behind these things, and in a way, this is the price yall pay for the free pornography I provide.

[sandorsubs]

hi an anon here, im just feeling overwhelmed and healing since i have so many emotional abuse interaction with ppl outside, it kind offended and im internalizing it and worrying my trauma will pop up when im manifesting, cause till today i feel vulnerable how they look at me, like i dont do anything to ppl and they hate and piss off to me, im a very spiritual person and its obviously i tend to be sensitive, im also insecure and worried if i have a bad energy or its just a reflection of their bad energy.

hi there anon. i don't think you have bad energy first of all. being a spiritual person can be tiring sometimes. i kinda felt that you are an empath. so you need to protect your energy. carrying our past is so tiring when it's mixed with our old harmful habits. for example you may realize you have same pattern in relationships because of your previous experiences. but you are not stuck in past even if it feels like it. according to your assumptions you may still attract negative people around you. i'll listen things you may want to be interested in because i've been there, i am still healing. most important thing is your will to heal. since you have that i hope you find this useful.

of course i will suggest therapy first because it's mind opening and makes us realize a lot. all healing process is like breaking a wrong healed bone to make it heal better again. but don't condition yourself it'll be hard or scary. it's fresh breath seriously.

you are the most important person in your life. this is a realization should hit somewhere in your life. it's cheesy to read it on self-motivation pages ik. don't just affirm but think about it. when a people pleaser say yes to something they don't want, who experience the discomfort? they do. being rejected isn't worse than discomfort. every grown up person should deal with rejection. but a people pleaser would rather feel discomfort than making someone feel rejected. whose team are you on? always check you feel good, comfortable and respected when you are with people. if you completely focus on other people's wants and opinions, you'll neglect yourself. but your life comes first.

as a previous people pleaser i used to imagine myself as someone else (since i am kinder to strangers) to be able to help myself. but do i bully other people? no. i didn't even write a single hate message in my life but oh the things i told myself...to the mirror. then i realized "i'm not surprised why i hate myself" because i treat myself very shitty. i neglect her, i shut her down, i bully her, i reject her requests. but i expect to be happy. how? according to external validation but it's sooo temporary if you don't love yourself. you experience this life yourself, you should love yourself most because they are always with you. please practice self love, external validation is out. it makes you weak and open to manipulation.

who can tell you who you are? you have been your own best friend from the start. you should know everything about yourself. but do you? do you really think you have bad energy? write down about yourself. your life, things you are proud of, your dislikes. this sounds so basic and you may struggle first but i promise you'll amaze yourself. don't be humble just be honest. even our families says horrible things to us sometimes. we think they are right just because it's family and they're close bla bla. but you can stop and not accept what they say. because you know yourself better than anyone. no one can make you doubt.

about past traumas. write everything down. literally every single thing you are offended by, every person that hurt you. now since you love yourself and know yourself, trust me you'll have a different perception. you'll know why you acted like that, why you said that and all of your experiences will make sense. because we get the damage and since we couldn't heal from it we still think it's our fault and feeling ashamed of our trauma. how is this fair? i am not a professional and i don't know what kind of traumas you have but get help, heal and build your trust in yourself again. would you let someone you love and know get hurt in front of you? no, since you build a healthy relationship with yourself you won't let that happen.

sometimes we forget who "people" are. you said you get hate for no reason. why do you care? look who is giving you the hate. a hater. i wouldn't be friends with a hater, i wouldn't even look at their face, they don't deserve to talk to me. i wouldn't let them approach to my kids. they just need to heal and stop having a ugly personality. because we've also been through shit and we don't have ugly personalities. sadly we can't stop haters from talking and reaching out but we can ignore. before directly accepting what they say, look where it comes from. i know it's hard but look at their faces carefully, they are not even aware of their toxicity. they are far from healing and being happy. they want to see you doing bad stuff only to tell themselves "oh great i'm not the only bad person". but you don't and this makes them crazier.

you have the formula. self love+knowing yourself+trust= self worth. past doesn't matter, what people says about you doesn't matter. focus on what you want and create that time for yourself to write and ask questions. like you get to know yourself from start. be clear about your manifestations and there is nothing to be afraid of

[oatmilktruther]

11, 17, and 30 for the fic writer ask game! 💕

11. a WIP you’d like to finish someday

god JUST ONE???? right now im bullying myself into finishing vampire stede because i just…. need it to exist… but i also pray that some day i finish the not fight club au and the marriage of convenience au because they are fics i just need in my life and if i dont write them who will

17. talk about your writing/editing process

my writing process goes like this: i hear a song or have an emotional breakthrough or both at once and i get possessed by a demon that forces me to write. the demon sticks around for anywhere from 50 to 50,000 words, i have no control over this. if the demon leaves sometimes i can manually sit down and complete the story myself but its like pulling teeth. my editing process is like looking at my dog that i didnt even want that an unreliable roommate left in my house and i have since fallen in love with and spent thousands of dollars in vet bills on and being told that i now need to train it for a national dog show. basically going back in and have s long hard talk with myself about what is actually legible to human beings that are not me. then i get my beta in and hopefully they dont hate it but do have suggestions for improvements. wow the way im talking about this it almosts sounds like i dont like writing. i loooooooove writing writing is the best. i never want to do it again. if i dont do it i will die.

30. share a fic youre especially proud of

switzerland switzerland switzerland. this is probably my absolute strongest piece of writing so far. and something that was so important for me to write and to share with the world. eating disorders or otherwise harmful eating behaviors have touched so many of us, and beyond that, shame and alienation, and writing something that really really spoke to that has meant so much to me, and if youre thinking gosh id like to read that but im not sure if it would be too triggering based on the tags feel free to ask me for details. so proud of this fucking fic.

[bunnihearted]

Instead of hurting random people or honestly asshole anons like that who should get curbed stomped anyways feel free to find me and I’ll let you kill me. But you are loved more than you know. Stay strong. I know it’s hard. Trust me I know. I’m in your shoes now and have been for god who even knows how long now. I know the feeling. I get waking up everyday questioning it and being like is anything really even holding me here? I hate to admit but I can even relate to wanting to hurt other people then myself. But please stay strong. I hope someday you will be filled with so much happiness that it heals every part of you because this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I hope things will get better. Youre gonna hurt and hurt but I know one day you won’t. Let me leave you with a quote I love by another anon “I’m the one who carried myself through the heartache. I’m the one who sat on the cold shower floor, and picked it up. I’m the one who feeds myself, who clothes myself, who tucks myself into bed, and I should be proud of that. Just having the strength to take care of yourself when the world is trying to bleed you dry, that is the strongest thing in the universe.” 💖 Have a great day and a great holiday

well i dont feel any desire to hurt random ppl, just the ones who themselves cause others significant harm. so i would probably not even kill you sorry </3 im sorry that you're also going thru it rn, and have been for a long time. it really sucks a lot. but thank you for letting me know that im not alone in feeling like this. i wont stay strong as much as im actually kinda a cockroach and just adapt to whatever shitty situation and get used to it, while complaining abt it with every breath... so like yeah ig i will stay strong but in a weak unwillful impassionate cockroach way T-T maybe one day it'll feel better, and i hope the same for you. thank u for that quote as well, it kinda helps put some things in perspective for me. thank you, i hope your day and holiday will be great as well kind anon 💗

[puritanyaoi]

Hello! I found your post about being an ex-anti giving advice to new ex-antis, and I was just wondering if you would be willing to share your story with me. ^-^ I've been wanting to understand what actually goes into anti beliefs. I understand if it's too personal though. Have a good day either way!

oh!! im sorry, you sent this ask ages ago and i never saw it appear in my inbox. i'm still going to answer but i am really sorry that i never got around to it until now.

essentially, i grew up on tumblr in an intersection of progressive spaces and cartoon fandom spaces. at some point these two things meshed together and i became interested in looking at fandom through a lens of media criticism. i was a young teenager at the time. at some point i entered the gravity falls fandom and read many, many posts about the dangers of proshipping due to the existence of certain ships within the fandom, and being a young, impressionable teenager, i fell for it hook line and sinker. it was the Right way to think, it was the Virtuous way to think. otherwise, could i really call myself progressive while defending something that appeared harm marginalized groups?

(at the time i had undiagnosed ocd which definitely impacted my opinions and fear of thought crimes)

for a time i used anti rhetoric to police myself and others. but... honestly, much of the rhetoric didnt ring true to me even at the time. and as much as i hate to admit it, i wanted to use it as a method of control, which i am not proud of. i cut off real life friends because of it and i still mourn those losses. i ended up angry and isolated except for other bitter, neurotic antis

later on as an adult, i started listening to people in proship spaces (especially people who had been victims of callouts that had ruined their lives and jobs in the animation industry), at first out of curiosity, but then things started clicking into place for me. why IS it that the people being called out for shipping and "bad" kinks are always queer people who have done nothing else to garner that level of hatred? why IS it that engaging in and creating transgressive art is seen as a valid coping mechanism by therapists? it made more sense than any arguments i'd listened to that were written by antis.

so to sum it up, i just... changed my opinion due to finding evidence that contradicted my beliefs and weighing my options. being proship won out in the end. and i had a lot of help from my partner as well, because they're also proship. they helped me work through a hell of a lot of moral ocd and to unpack the reasons why i had fallen for anti rhetoric in the past. honestly they've been a life saver in this matter

thanks for the ask and again, sorry for the insanely late response. i dont use social media often anymore and this slipped into my inbox unnoticed.. ^^;

[e-icreator23]

Vent again. If you cant read it. Wither: You can't let him do that! He can't be banging or throwing stuff! You think its funny but its- D-d:You need to stop being a drama queen. It doesn't mean anything! Stop it. Where did banging and throwing things get bad? (where did you get that from?!) He's not doing any harm Wither:But it sounds like he's trying to break his controller! [He has a PS5] B-o: WHAT DO YOU CARE?! YOU HAVE A MASK ON AND YOUR A JUNIOR! ITS CRINGY! Wither: And you're a sophomore! You should know not to- B-o: Shut up! No one asked! Aren't you embarrassed?!! This is what happened right now. My brother started to rage at a game and from my room, it sounded like he was banging his controller. I came out to see whats going on and he was yelling before this and hitting something. I told my sister to go to her room and that he was acting stupid. He got mad and insulted me and said I am a nobody and I am embarrassing. My sister got scared from him yelling so got my dad who was drinking. He came it and my brother went back to the game he was getting mad at for loosing and he laughed about it. I told him what happened and he still laughed about it. I got mad since he lets them both get away with things like this and I am tired of the insults. I hate that once they know I will be married to a woman that they won't want me around since like my brother has said and I shit you not he said this word for word "FAGS ARE MENTAL. THEY AREN'T HUMAN" My dad constantly wonders why one of his cousins who came out to them is never around, I can't blame, not at all. It's because none of them support them! They outright show they disappointed in them! My brother says that my dad and him HATE people who are gay or anything relating to it with a passion. They are more concerned of how they look than about anything else, my brother has to constantly remind me that I am more on the bigger side and that he's so embarrassed about it! He said that he will never say hi to me during school even when I say hi, he acts like he doesn't know me and says to others that he doesn't know me. He likes to make fun of me saying I won't get anyone. And even if I do, they will leave me since they never really loved me. I am so tired of this. I want to leave so bad but If I try to leave with another family member then my dad will start to guilt trip me and I don't want to leave because I don't want to leave my friends yet. I know I'm a damn disappointment to them. I know that shit but I have to be reminded over and over and over again. No wonder why I'm distant with them. I try so hard at school to make them proud but it can never make it last. I won first place somewhere big in my state but just "oh nice". thats it. I get Honor roll. "good and stay like that" I am so tired of it and I know I am still gonna push myself to try and get good grades but I know nothing I do will ever be good enough to make them proud of me. They ask why is it hard for me to talk to people, no shit its hard because If I say anything wrong to them, I would get hit. I would get yelled at for saying anything wrong. They told me I am not allowed to tell anyone about my situation, I can't talk to my councilors about this, I cant ask for help. Not even online. If I say something wrong, I feel like they would hate me. If I do something they don't like then I'm the piece of shit. I know they have said that I can talk to them but I feel like I cant since I dont know what they will say. I am scared, I am so fucking scared. I know non of them are bad or anything I am just terrified of them since they are so amazing and I can never amount to them in any way. I don't know what to do. If I eat how I normally do, im told to stop. My health problems are my fault and yeah maybe they are. but still at least be semi nice but no he makes fun of me that I cant breath right. To them ADHD and autism arent real. it's fake so people can be lazy. If I am friends with anyone who's like that then im the weirdo. I'm stupid to even get near them. im so done.

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat, hope you are doing okay right now. i know things are tough and fuck tiny and whatever the other one is called. the stupid one. anyways.

recently ive been trying to practice self love more, i stopped self harming, got back onto medication for my depression, stopped looking at harmful websites like gore and self harm images, got off most social media, and i try to be nice to what i see in the mirror, face wise. i actually dont feel like my self destructive habits are that harmful, but logically i know they are. i dont feel like they gravely effect my life, they jsut feel like weird dirty secrets i have but i know it is not good for me. I've been focused on dealing with my depression but i haven't done anything about my disordered eating habits. They just feel so intertwined with how i go about things in a way, because im 16 now and i think it started when i was 12. i just remember not caring at all about my body or food, and then suddenly i did. and i had these weird specific things i hated and started learning about nutrition and just, fell down a horrible rabbit hole. i just feel like, i am SO not ready to let go of this. its a comfort, my safety net. i dont even know how to eat normal anymore honestly, i got too much stuff memorized. Sometimes im fully aware i have horrid body dysmphoria, but other times i feel like i see myself clearly and what the people around me dont get is that i have different (and really bad) ideas of what looks good on me, aka i know i fit their ideals of a good looking healthy body but i dont fit MINE. im just scared if i recover these thoughts and ideals wont ever leave, like at the back of my mind they will be there and ill just be trying not to think about how i dont look like that the rest of my life and how miserable thatd be. my ed is just, sorta part of my routine. aghhhhh. just feels sorta good to let that out. i know you dont have specific advice for this topic but i wanted to talk about it a little anyway but, OVERALL; im focusing on healing and my health but am more focused on depression and other things then dealing with my disordered eating habits, which i know are not at all good but at the same time i cant bring myself to care that they arent. do you think im still making progress towards healing and being happier? even if i havent addressed a certain elephant in the room?

Yes. If you can only acknowledge progress which successfully attacks every area of struggle equally at all times, you will not get very far. You gotta start somewhere. And you have started. And that matters, even if you aren't at a point where you can fix every single problem in your life. It's okay to say "right now I'm working on self harm and depression" and let that be enough for now, cause honestly? Working through self harm and depression is worthwhile and impressive by itself, even if it won't fix everything. Removing two elephants from your apartment will make it a lot easier to live in even if the third elephant is still there. You have more options than doing nothing vs doing everything and what you're doing now fucking rocks. Be proud of your hard work