#but if they find it

[lrndvs]

compliments from girls go hard

[ravenkings]

[sparklebyte]

oh so you’re telling me the guy had a 3 page handwritten explanation of his motives and mindset and a gun and silencer that matches the description despite it being a week since the guy was shot? hmmmm interesting

[void-drifter]

it’s cheaper to buy vegetables here

[dragoncarrion]

you tell a bitch to keep their cat indoors and suddenly their town is the first in the world to have eradicated every viral, bacterial and parasitic disease, they invented completely harmless cars, dogs and predators dont exist either but somehow the native songbird population is fine since the cats in this place have lost the hunting instinct, there's no pollutants or toxic plants and human cruelty has ceased to exist. and mr mittens has a chip in his brain that will explode if he doesnt go outside 10 hours of the day

[pookapufferfish]

[hoaxghost]

Girl failed the med school exam like 8 times I dont think she'd do all too well when faced with the burnt crisp of her captain

[twinliches]

my family is fucking addicted to macgyvering and it's becoming a problem. every time something in this house breaks, instead of doing the sensible thing of replacing it or calling someone qualified to fix it, we all group around the offending object with a manic look in our eyes and everyone gets a try at fixing it while being cheered on or ridiculed by the rest.

it's a beautiful bonding activity, but the "creative" fixes have turned our house into a quasihaunted escape room like contraption where everything works, but only in the wonkiest of ways. you need a huge block of iron to turn on the stove. the oven only works if a specific clock is plugged in. the bread machine has a huge wood block just stapled to it that has become foundational to its function. sometimes when you use the toaster the doorbell rings. and that's just the kitchen.

it's all fun and games until you have guests over and you have to lay out the rules of the house like it's a fucking board game. welcome to the beautiful guest room. don't pull out the couch yourself you need a screwdriver for that, and that metal rod makes the lamp work so don't move it. it also made me a terrifying roommate in college, because it makes me think i can fix anything with enough hubris and a drill. you want to call the landlord about a leaky faucet? as if. one time my dad made me install a new power socket because we ran our of extension cords

[hellishqueer]

we ask that the defense not say "me when i lie" while the witness testifies

[paintedcrows]

Whenever Bill sees KingOfNJ's fics through Stan's eyes he just thinks they have the same taste in fanfiction (disgusting. unthinkable) continued

[longsightmyth]

People are so stupid about snakes. If there's a little black racer chilling outside just leave it alone, you don't have to kill it, it's probably dealing with all your pests for you, jesus christ

[midnightcrisisstuff]

actually no, we're not "dating". we're bound together for infinity. like the stars. so, fuck you, actually.

[hexjulia]

people like to bring up things like "all your loved ones would die before you" as a concern re: immortality. But the real danger for me would be that i'd literally never get anything done again. I'd adopt the elvish lifestyle immediately. Not doing anything in a week that could be done in a century. Not getting anything done in a century that can be done in 10 centuries. Spending the next 100 years reading 1 book very slowly because i have infinite time and don't care.

[theboxfort]

Peace and love

[witchhickx]

Mean Girls (2004) House MD (2009)