#but if im working at this place full fucking time
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Me: Oh boy, I can't wait to be a barista! Those guys are queer and quirky and I'm gonna fit right in! My coworkers, the most aggressively normal people I've ever met, IMMEDIATELY deciding they dislike me because I'm Too Much: lol
#jaytp#chat when am i gonna get a fucking break#yes im loud#yes i talk a lot#yes im annoying#none of those are crimes!!!!!!!!#would it be so hard to pretend to like me????#(for the record this isnt like. my imagination. i asked a coworker i get along with and he TOLD ME lmao)#history repeats itself etc#im once again the loser in high school always being asked to make myself smaller and quieter and more normal#babes i am nearly 31!!!! even if i KNEW HOW to do that. i simply will not.#and i do not need to be liked! i do not care if someone dislikes me!#but if im working at this place full fucking time#surrounded by these people for hours??????#id like to be able to have a conversation with them!#unfortunately. they do not want that.#i cant wait for a month to go by and for someone to ask me why im so quiet#YOU MADE ME BABE#im not quiet i simply stopped trying to have a conversation with you#love having the kind of personality half the people i interact with immediately are repulsed by
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#i???????? think???????????? i got??????????????? the job????????????????????#FVGHJKHBJ i didnt even expect a manager to be there like i was just stopping by this place to get an email address since their website#isnt up yet and she was like!!!! lets step outside and talk right now actually!!!!!!!!#AND IT WENT WELL???????????????????#i originally only wanted part time but shes like hey i have full time for $15/hour plus commission. and i was like. well okay!!!!!!!!!#so im???? going in tomorrow for training????? FGHJKJHJ its all paid but its mostly just for me to see the store/meet everyone/see how i do#but im so happy actually like i love this place. high end brazilian store known for its ecoconsciousness which is!!!! fucking awesome!!!!!!#i will be the only brazilian actually working there so im the token portuguese speaker but kkjsdefd thats fine. bitch we celebrating!!!!!!#personal
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always sort of a shock to the system when i remember ppl know sonic 06’s plot more for the fandub than for itself. which is understandable given the og is a mess, but idk its kinda sad bc theres some good stuff there (shadow’s entire story arc)
#dont dislike the dub at all ftr djdjdjdjjf im still very fond of it#but like…. idk i like 06’s story as stupid and messy as it is#i heart convoluted plots that are all over the place. sorry#echoed voice#i think the ‘’if the world chooses to become my enemy’’ trans shadow art shot that storyline up even higher tbh#especially bc elevated by shadows arc. hes literally been demonized and persecuted for what he is since he was born#his title game can be read as his agency being stripped from him from both the narrative AND the player#because black doom wants him to be his punching bag and sonic wants him to be his support#but shadow is in a vulnerable spot bc of his memory loss and lack of agency. some pathways are even abt him thinking hes a clone#with the legacy of a dead man hanging over him#keeping him from ever being his own person#and even tho thats not the case. its still a story about a teenager being emotionally manipulated and abused for who he is#and he finally reclaims that at the end of the game by defying EVERYONE and doing it his own way#even though i hate how hes working with gun in 06 and beyond. other than that 06 follows up on that theme so well#bc mephiles sees shadow as a self assured person and shatters his newfound ego with his demise in the future#where he was scapegoated for the worlds problems and humanity jumped to imprison and/or kill him despite the good hes done#and mephiles’s goal is to break shadow psychologically. to keep him at bay by telling him that no matter what he does#the world will try to kill him anyways and theres no point in fighting for himself. much less the world#and it gets to shadow for a bit but by the end. he realizes that even if what mephiles says is true. he’ll keep going#‘’even if the world chooses to become my enemy. i will fight like i always have.’’ taking off his inhibitor rings to unleash his full power#like….. fuck. thats powerful#iirc it’s ambiguous whether mephiles is lying but tbh. i dont think he is given how shadow was treated after gun raided the ark#like. yeah i do think the military and public would scapegoat shadow. hes ALREADY been scapegoated several times#anyways. all that to say that yes. reading shadow as a trans allegory is extremely powerful to me
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SOBBING
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WEEEEEEHHHHHHHEHEHHHHHHHHHH CROISSANT’S FRIENDS LOVE HER SO MUCH AND SHE CANT HANG OUT WITH THEM CUZ SHE’S BUSYYYYYYYYYY.
SHE HASN’T BEEN SHOWING UP TO THEIR MEET UUUUUUPS 😭😭😭😭😭😭
#Meow.#she fucking loves Sandwich’s sandwiches T-T#She works so hard and always forgets to eat that is if she even gets the chance to so she has a big appetite and and#Is this taking place at the same time as the last update?#Is Croissant in fucking SPACE while her friends are chilling in a sauna eating her favorite food..?#ooooouuuuugghhhhh im ill#She needs a day off someone needs to force her to rest#not doing redstone whatever in minecraft#Croissant just needs a day or two of turning off her brain and having a full tummy#I would kill and murder real life people to give that to her#Crob spoilers#Cookie run spoilers#Croissant cookie
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session 5 for both scott and jimmy mirror each other in that they’re dedicated to powering up and preparing. scott gets a full set of protection IV diamond armor together with 30 diamonds in the enderchest to spare. jimmy, however, spends the entire episode trying to get good enchants on his iron set in a way that reminds me of a small bird flying into a window over and over again
#bree barks so fucking loud#im so upset man#I was gonna elaborate on why but this isnt even like. Applicable bc jimmy does have full diamond by the time he dies#but. ohhh scott. why are you keeping so much to yourself#For your own survival yeah? Right. This makes sense#its just. crazy to think that the reason he placed 10th was because he was reckless after jimmys death#all this preparing and yet. tossing jimmy a few more diamonds to bring him up to his level would have been a better investment#again this doesnt even matter. jimmy has full diamond during the battle he dies in but like. But like#this is representative of something. To Me#It’s better if i do conclude that scott gave him a couple for that chestplate but this episode’s disparity is still symptomatic of like#scotts thought process about jimmy#even the protection III villager he lets jimmy use this episode. Scott showed it to him after he already concluded that—#he himself did not have much use for it. He saw his armor already had protection and went ‘it’ll work for jimmy’ in a handwavy way#it’s all just so interesting#deranged.fh.posting
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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Absolute fucking last straw just happened to me im looking for another job man
#im so tired of coming to work just to be treated like shit by both management and the passengers#and then have people compare me to a cop because no one knows what security guards do#im done man im so fucking done#all this for what? a place that cant even keep a full time promise?#what happened to the security industry man#this used to be a well respected and legitimate career path with tons of upward mobility and a good salary#now im getting 23.18 an hour before tax to get told that i deserve to die over 3 dollar shampoo#fuck this place man#vent post
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i would take their poison
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Sketch + Line Art for those Clicking Under the Cut(tm) (archival purposes honestly)
#moshi monsters#sweet tooth moshi monsters#experimentation i am COG AWFUL at digital dear goodness i was playing with coloring and transparency and all those fun digital doodads.#next time i probably wont have black outline or i'll do it differently. or i'll try well. not doing this. it sure was a process im#i'm an amateur everyone who masically only doodles. does the sketch look better than the final. kinda! but thats okay because im learning#and y'know what. sometimes in life you just need to draw faves no consequences#for how saturated a character they are i kinda feel like i pastelled things too muc and trapped myself with my convoluted layer setup but m#it was looking WEIRD with everything at full force#maybe the sparkles look dumb maybe the hair looks dumb and out of place and why i kinda made the lollipop a little funky too#uhh. first digital piece posted... ever?#the arm is SO fucky i am not that was. thats not what perspective is spam#yes this is what i spent a good chunk of today doing after i started working on coloring it and then. decided to go for it.#cooolrs a little inaccurate on the horns and such but man one of the biggest art things was like#i dont have to have everything at their perfect hex codes all the time. this would look way worse if i just. used their standard colors#yeah this is. instead of looking like its forward and to the right it kinda just looks like they have a Bigger hypno-lolly#especialy becase. i did not bother on the gloves and platforms i the sparkles work with 2 kinda sorta but you know#im practicing! i'm learning! i'll get better and learn how to do things more effectively!#anyway. sweet toof#though hey their arm looks even more fucked in the line art and sketch SO#note to future self have a Consistent Line Art Size so that if you feel like the line art looks like shit during coloring you dont have to#gamble on what size it was while changing it#sketch lollipop looks better i should have kept it small. but its fine. we'll get em next time boys (tm)#yes i know my gif post was so fancy and then the drawing is just THIS
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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used to have a paid hour for lunch but I guess my job is really trying to get rid of its best workers 🙃
#rambles#and by paid lunch I mean I was a full time worker and my pay stubs for 2 weeks only paid for 70 hours instead of 80#so not a paid lunch per se but now my pay stubs say 80 hours#you may ask did my pay increase? No! Bc why would it???#UGH it is so hard finding any work that I'm able to do but Jesus fucking christ#me not getting that new job in September was one of the worst things that happened to me last year#and the only reason I didn't get it was bc someone internally applied at the last second:(((#will always be the one that got away#sorry for ranting (not really) but im so angry right now holy shit#every day I find it harder to just not quit this place#tryna make me a jack of all trades (I'm trained in like 8 different areas man) but the pay??? Abysmal#I need a remote job with flexibility bc of my health issues so this is what I got#but I desperately want something better#I understand why so many of my coworkers are gone lmaooooo
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I work ok tje 17th Let me put let me out. Let me oouuuutttttt
#probBly the 18th as well but i dont actually know yet#but the 17th here will be the acgual time of chiak day..#Aell its okay bc i dont care bc i dont like him. So.#i liued imnsorry. i like gim#in other news: tomorrow i think is officiappy one year aince i started workijg my cirrent job so#im going to count my tip jar.. to see.. one full uear#last time.i cojnted ghere was 100 something hut that was a frw momths ago now#i dont rmbr exactly when..#but yaaaaay. counting. yaaaay#moneyyyy#also ghe csndle jar thing i have it ik is getting cramped and messy#bc i havent counged it in a while.so.i uavent Taken all.of.itput in a while so tjeres lile#a neat circle in ghe middle.and them i jusg stuck stuff after around it and it barely all fits#i need go invest in a second empty candle#Or actually d9 something with the money. <- not going to.happen#the only time.ibe ever used anu of it was times.i ran out of singles for bus fare#so id take one ftom thefe#That reminded me#Eafloer.i was tjinking like#itd be soooo much easier to get bus fare if i had a car...#bc its always a hassle bc i habe to wapk to tje bank and Dude the bank is never fuckint open#Aas a kid ur like oooohh the bank so.importsnt and adult..#and theyre open lile 20 minuyes a day. If this place is so damn importsnt why is it closed all ghe time#Nyways my point. i tjought that and then was like#.....If i had a car i woidpnt need bus fare at all bc i wouldnt have to take the bus#anyways th e bank is so annoying#closes at 5 on weekdays and i get home after 4 most days i work#and i also jist. dont geel like doing errands after worming all day#and Closed complefslu on sunday#and open from 9 am to noon on saturday like the fuck
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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my besties boyfriend is someone i rly dont enjoy interacting with for a variety of reasons but i also dont know how to talk to him about it without it being A Thing and he keeps trying rly rly hard to be friends with me . miserable existence pain and agony what do i do chat
#i frequently find that i just feel hurt or offended or offput by him way more than i enjoy interacting with him#and when ive spoken up about this in the past i have felt generally unheard#and also he called me a burden in a backhanded way ????????#like ive talked to bestie about it and he was fully understanding because apparently this is A Thing with his bf of just people can't .#really like#put up with how his bf acts/treats them#so like bestie said he understood and he gets that some people just dont vibe together and thats ok#but also like his bf is trying rly rly hard to be friends with me#and i . im so sorry dude but i dont want that i dont think#I SPENT A WEEK WITH MY CRUSH MAKING A FULL COMMUNE ON A SHARED MINECRAFT SERVER SO WE CAOULD ALL PLAY TOGETHER#EVERYONE GOT A TWO STORY CUSTOM TO THEIR TASTE FULLY FURNISHED HOUSE AND GREAT STUFF IN IT#A FARM AND ANIMALS#A FISHING SHACK#A MINE SHACK WITH A FULL SMITHING SPACE#A N D#A FULLY FUNCTIONING RAIL SYSTEM BETWEEN ALL OF THESE PLACES#and he hits me up less than a day after we showed everyone including him saying he wants to play modded minecraft do i have java#like mY BROTHER IN CHRIST THAT IS FAR FROM THE SOLE OR BIGGEST REASON I DONT WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU BUT THAT IS JUST#YOU COULDNT HAVE WAITED A WEEK OR SOMETHING#THAT WAS SO OUCHIES MY GUY#LIKE WE WORKED SO HARD TO MAKE ALL OF THIS FOR EVERYONE#AND SO EVERYONE COULD PLAY T O G E T H E R#SORRY ITS VANILLA MINECRAFT BUT LIKE MY GUY NOT EVERYONE IN THE MC GROUP HAS THE MONEY TO JUST BUY JAVA ??? I SURE AS FUCK DON'T .#SOME PEOPLE DONT EVEN HAVE A COMPUTER TO PLAY JAVA ON AND YOU KNOW THIS BECAUSE WE ALL TALK ABOUT THIS FREQUENTLY#LIKE THATS INTENTIONALLY EXCLUDING PEOPLE FROM PLAYING AND THE TIMING IS HORRIBLE AND NO THIS IS NOT THAT HUGE OF A DEAL IN AN ISOLATED CON#HAS SRSLY RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY#and i know that people have talked to him about a lot of these things#including myself#and i have seen not a crumb of him having intention to work on it#like my guy please listen to what other people tell you
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okay so like. i got offered a job (yay!) and if i accept (which i probably will cause nothing else is coming my way) then i will definitely have to work another job to ya know. bring in enough money to live and sustain myself (which is fine just. tiring) but i don’t think the full time job would wear me out like the other full time jobs i’ve had in the past so going and doing part time work wouldn’t drain me too bad. so? i guess i have a job?
#i can always keep looking around too at other places which is fine#but how fucked up is that that in todays day and age full time work is not a livable wage. i have to laugh#literally i have to or else i will succumb to the horrors#i think the full time gig will be worth it no matter what because health insurance#but yeah! major industry shift here going from recreation to medical field#and NO before anyone gets any ideas im not working for an insurance company those bastards#i’ll actually be a part of the care team at the heart clinic so that’s neat#also hopefully i can get new glasses cause i desperately need them#also let’s factor in that whatever part time gig i get will easily be $2 away from my full time pay like. that’s insane#if you’re paying someone full time dog shit salary so much so that a part time job is essentially the same pay…homie#i’m rambling again aren’t i
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truly something so empowering in just saying ‘fuck it we ball’. what a life changing mentality
#i’m a whole lot braver than i used to be#like of course the fear (anxiety) is still there but i’ve gotten a whole lot better at managing working through it#and often this is just brute-forcing my way through the anxiety. and that’s by saying fuck it we ball and just doing it scared#what’s gonna happen? i’m gonna embarrass myself? WHATEVER! i’ve embarrassed myself so many times in my life#it’s a regular part of my routine at this point. this is the nature of finding your place in this world. being clumsy and stupid.#this isn’t to say that anxiety doesn’t hold me back from things still. it definitely still absolutely does#i do some ridiculous shit because of anxiety#such as. oh shit i started walking the wrond direction. well i cant just turn around in the middle of the sidewalk ill look stupid.#i’ll just do a full loop around this building to turn myself around#fucking stupid. and very real thing that i have done.#i’m also weird about not knowing where i’m going inside a building. i get scared to walk around to look for a bathroom#ESPECIALLY in restaurants. i always ask where the restroom is before looking for it if i can’t see it from my seat#but then i realize im just walking and no one cares and im so brave
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