#but idk i dont work with my hands as much as i used to so maybe it'll last a while... maybe the french manicure will last longer...
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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wdym by "see" them? Do u have that thing where u cant see pictures in ur head?? 👀
oh, yeah, I mean I can see vague shapes but there's no color and it's like blurry and tunnel visioned at best
I can "taste" in my head pretty well and hear in my head even better though!
I think it makes me more satisfied with my art, because anything I draw will always be the only way I can see it... I've never struggled with the classic artist pain of it "looking so much better in my head" I'm always like oh hell yeah it looks so cool now that I can see it!!!
I also think it's why I have so much desire to draw. I have a lot of ideas in my head, and I want to make them real! I want to see them too!!!
#I can imagine movements#so when I think in sign language for instance I think in like... the movements that my hands would be making...#rather than what the signs would be looking like reading them...#and when I imagine a scene its like. dialogue..? and movements#so its like he walks in andd then he says this thing#and my brain is extremely spacial#so when thinking up a piece I sort of look around and know where things might be#but it's just me labeling them#I don't really see anything#it's like when imagining an apple I look at the top of the brain space and go 'stem sometimes. brown or green. leaves sometimes.'#not really seeing much idk.#idk people talk about this a lot so I've thought about it a lot#but honestly it doesnt really matter to me...#it does in some sense in the same way any way of learning about myself is nice to do#but I just mean I dont think using it as a point of comparison is really all that helpfup#or considering pros and cons#its just how I think and it is what it is#and it works for me and I've made it work for me#and I love my brain and how it works. besides like the anxiety and whatever stuff#but thats not my brains fault that we're sick#anyways.#asks#edsheerankinnie
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Please I don't think I will ever be able to express how happy your crocofamily au and art make me thank u so much for carrying crocodad as a concept like this you are my savior
oughwouuu _(:з)∠)_ and i'll never be able to express how happy i am yall love it!!
#crocau ask#savior is a bit much tho#especially considering that i only started posting it because i thought nobody would care and so i'd be free to do whatever i feel like#had i known it'll woudlve gotten the attention it has gotten idk if i would have had the bravery to post it lol i hope it doesnt get popula#for realsies i dont want to get in trouble because transphobes and 'canon is everything' lovers#on the other hand if ppl hadnt been asking question actually forcing me to use my brain it wouldnt have been a full story or anywhere as#worked as it is now. it was really vibes and ideas at first. did came up with 30ish comics ideas but i scrapped a good chunk of that quickl#for the better. much much better it was kind of bullshit (but very funny to me)
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literally every item except for the pkmn game 😭 which, I should be clear, i am very very grateful for fjkdkl i was actually not expecting to receive more than two or three things, and the frying pan will be immensely useful djdkdl but aough there is a certain disappointment to the game not being one of the gifts fjdjkl
#part of me is like welllll maybe thats a sign that i shouldn't get the game#other part of me thinks maybe i can use the money that i might receive from relatives to get it but. i shouldn't. it should be for grocery#i AM happy and grateful to receive the other items on my list though i really really am fjdkdl#im excited abt the s.innoh gym badge pins !! going to put them on my bag as I acquire them in-game :]#i will match my sona ^-^#and the book is awesome and the scrub brush is useful and the crochet hook is excellent#so overall very good!!! just a tinge of disappointment abt the game but i rly shouldn't have gotten my hopes up fjfkdl#maybe i can use this as incentive to get my ass in gear to work on welfare application fjdkdl#but also maybe i just. shouldnt get the game. is it rly worth that much money that could go towards food instead ... idk 😭#and ofc i could emulate but for some reason i just dont rly want to do that fjdksl idk why#man. clasps hands behind me and looks out to sea.#also congrats to me again for keeping my mouth shut most of the time PHEW im getting better at keeping quiet#sorry this is such a greedy spoiled sounding vent fjdksl i just. there is a little bit of disappointment y'know? even if there shouldnt be!#trying to push it away bc i am glad for the other items fjdkdl and dont want to be a greedy ungrateful goober over a video game#dandy.cmd#vent //
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frustrating how fucking. disabling. being disabled is rn. im tired
#migraine buddy helpfully showed me my midas score which puts me in severely disabled bc of my migraines based on their impact#which on one hand was helpful in a sense of like. hey dude. these things fuck you up and have a huge impact and jts a thing#most peiple dont have to deal with. but also was like. god yeah i sure am and also i sure am still working full time and having to just.#work thru them and cope bc i certainly cant afford to have less money#its so fuckin i furiating being disabled in the us. i cant stop working bc then ill loose my healthcare which still costs me so much money#scream. tired.#my PA for nurtec was denied bc my ins wants me to try a diff one first#which is stupid bc like one why do u get to override my dr for your budget.#why does my healthcare need to suffer because youre cheap. you arent living with this shit.#and also the alternatives they suggested are injection based which. is scary for me as someone who used to have a terrible needle phobia#jax is able to help me w them which is good bc i know i cant give myself them (maybe could do the auto injectors but idk)#but its still so. why are u like thia. also it took u so long to deny my PA and im on no preventatives rn waiting for Something#to be approved. ugh. scream.
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i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)
#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint#dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good#I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS😭😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what#anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up#the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff#i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons#i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them#if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva#anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it#someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms#lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain#if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him#he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok#i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside#god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame#but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure#SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO#ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling#im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me#UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop#anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw#i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous#and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy#actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right#tricule rant
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Resisting the urge to carve myself a distaff from one of the evergreen boughs ive dragged home and learn medieval in-hand distaff spinning. Do i need to do any of this ? No. Am i happy with supported spinning ? Yes ! Am i probably gonna do it anyway ? ... also yes
#we talk a lot about the rabbit hole of fiber arts#but i dont think we talk enough about the rabbit hole of different spinning tools and techniques...#so far id say ive gotten proficient in drop spindling wheel spinning and supported spinning with russian style spindles#really want to get into either tahklis or charkah wheels#bc im gonna be visiting my wonderful fiancé in india and hes still gonna have work for most if not all of the time im there#so my plan is to spin a LOT. hoping to get really proficient in cotton spinning bc ive always really sucked at that#and then i really wanna learn medieval style spinning as well#if i was an academic i could easily see myself devoting my life to writing a book about spinning tools through the ages#i am so endlessly fascinated by it#but also really bad at research and have a pretty crippling case of dyslexia#i wanna try. all the tools#it always feels like the way to get closer to the past is to spin like them#since that has been THE constant human activity since quite possibly pre-homo sapiens times#i dont know how much cloth the neanderthals wove or if they were more inclined to use animal skins#but we do know they made yarn and they were good at it#sadly my hands cant do cordage. fucks em up in about a minute flat#but iirc we've found stone spindle whorls which may have been used for spinning#stone whorls can also be used for hand drills and fire starters and things like that so idk#anyway. i just want to know SO badly#spinning
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head in hands heand in hands
#paper is talking#Me when my dad is telling me how good and useful ai art is#How it would be so much easier for me to draw if i used it#That i can just skip the ‘meaningless’ stuff and get exactly my ideas made#Basically like the entire drawing process is meaningless and isnt important#Im not that good at speaking chinese but i said sometihng like ‘then i dont need to draw’ meaning like theres no point in me drawing at all#But i didnt really say the right words to get that meaning across so he said exactly!#Like.#head in hands right now guys#Theres no point in drawing anything if i use ai to make it#Like idk how to explain this in a way that he will understand in a way that isn’t ‘yeah! See now you dont have to work as hard and its so m#So much easier!’#Idk why but him suggesting whole heartedly that i use ai to draw just ruined my mood eniterely#WHATS THE POINT!!!#In drawing amber and sayu and all my ocs if im not drawing it!!#Whats the point in drawing anything ever agian#Drawing is so fun becuase i made that.#I made that with my own two hands#And its specifically mine. I made that#Like i took the time to figure out how to draw the eye to look just rihgt#i took the time to figure out which colors looked bettter and i took the time to look back at the references and study the characters cloth#s and realize with terror that they have 32847298374 details#I took the time to just not draw all those details#I tookt he time to make it and it is part of me#I dont care if its just amber standing there drawing 548 i made that!#He thinks that the amount of time and effort is a hassle and a problem that should be solved cause it ‘gets in the way of the#Creative process’#This is the creaive process!!!!#This is the point!!#Top ten reasons im balding
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emotional. happy, pissed off, all that.
#hzrn#im cool with being annoying hypothetically but the real kicker is that no form of communication exists that i can really use comfortably#every single form of communication out there. i can't use it. i can't fuckin talk bc the sounds are too hard.#i can't fuckin type bc the buttons are too hard.#i can't fucking body and hands bc motions are too hard.#i can't fucking art because art involves all those things.#damn fucking WORDS are too hard. i put so much work into them and i get nothing. nothing!#who made the world this way?! why is it that all communication and socialization is so. fucking. hard!!!!#i tried! i really really fuckin tried man! all last year i tried so so hard.#i fell FLAT on my face. NO ONE liked me. they called me a retard! they said i was scary‚ awkward‚ hard to be around!#they did coordinated social attacks on me! then when i come back to school this year and i even *think* about trying again‚ they say#'nobody wants him here. and he should stop caring'#well right about then‚ is where she gives up! she has closed her eyes‚ she has given up hope!#i gave up trying to exist socially at school. the two paths are being myself and getting bullied‚ or not being myself and getting nothing#today was a good day for me all in all but idk.#the only reason i dont hold grudges like crazy is because of my object impermanence shit#although this might as well count as a grudge. i think it's somewhat justified though‚ because in my case it's more like#if you hurt me seriously then i'll think about it pervasively until you do something to redeem yourself in my mind.#probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit#this is probably the reason why im so scared of being myself. bc everytime i tried i got bullied‚ mocked‚ demeaned. and that shit piles up.#i just spend mosta my time not thinking about it! just like i spend mosta my time not thinking about who i am‚ my future‚ my past and on!#siiiigh. sigh sigh siiiiiiiiigh#it's ok to like this post by the way#in fact it's encouraged. im directly and clearly asking you to.#im not making this post for nothing. im making it in the hopes that someone will read what i said.#although really no one will. why the hell would anyone fucking read this. get fuckin real.#i know for certain i'll wake up tmrw with this at at maximum like. 1 like. 2 if im really the luckiest girl in the world.#and i know how i sound caring about likes and shit. but really all it tells me is someone read this. and i really fuckin need someone to re
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the first few art pieces for a new interest are always the loneliest, in my experience
#aishi.txt#i cant sleep despite drinking calming tea and my fav playlist being put on so forgive any emoness but#its a bit alienating... why does art have to be one of the loneliest hobbies ever#like i want people to care as much as i do but i also get it if they dont#i cant fault ppl for not seeing the vision as i do... which is why my art is there#but im just one guy who has many ideas and not enough hands and energy to draw all of them#draw them all and... make it match my view also?? i have to reconcile my current skill with my lack of time and energy with my perfectionism#a bit of a recipe for disaster... i will say#and even after all that effort... some people will still not see it or get it and the ones that probably do#will need time to warm up to me!!#and my art... ough.. idk.....#do i use art as a medium to bridge my social anxiety or what... why does this lowkey bother me#anyway. this happens every time i change fandom#persona art was the loneliest period... pokemon feels a bit alienating too idk#my conclusion always is to stop interacting altogether#just dump my art pieces and go#but thats never worked out for me as well... i always long for interaction and i always be yapping#its just!! a bit tiring i guess#having to continuously work on stuff to... feel connected? what am i saying#like yea i know it takes time. i just wish it didnt have to feel so lonely too during the waiting period#makes me not want to move on from one interest to the next#makes me worried the friends ive made for one fandom will think ive abandoned them for a new thing but its the opposite.#im scared to leave things ive built up.. connections ive already made#i would love nothing more for them to come with me (its not like theyre going anywhere) i just dont know#how to make them feel connected to a new interest i have? wtf am i on about#its like i based my self worth on what art i can provide to others lol 😂 thats silly#i think i'll just think of this as my real life friendships and leave it at that#but yeah. i still feel incredibly lonely and alienated when making art for a new thing. even old things feel incredibly. sad to me#art as a hobby is incredibly lonely. its frustrating for someone like me#an extroverted person with an introvert's hobby. disaster.
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(in the tone of an old-fashioned infomercial)
Boost your self-esteem today with Black Nail Polish™! This miracle accessory adds a mysterious and cool edge to any outfit, instantly improving your perception both outwardly and inwardly!
Try Black Nail Polish™ today, and see results!
#i put on black nail polish and instantly feel more secure#idk how but it works#also it keeps me from biting my nails which is a definite bonus#bc at some point if i dont have on nail polish ill just bite them down so much that it hurts to use my hands#which is not cool at all bro#nail polish#fall#black nail polish
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doc: okay try and call me past this hour and we can talk over the case
me: ok
>tries to call
>the phone number doesnt work
me:
#work logs#i dont blame him at all tbh it just made for an easier day and i managed to finish a part of my studies#i got a lot from today anyways so im fine w not lmao#anyways i just Left lmao#if i could find him again tomorrow or something sure ill talk to him about what happened but like 🧍🏻♂️#the numbers dont work so idk how to get in contact w him lmao#snow speaks#anyways. back to studying ig lmao#better use of my time anyways gjdjfjdjd#i said it before but priority is studying for the exams rather than impression#beside i dont learn much of anything on the wards bc it goes by so fast#brushing up on skills is fine but do it to much#augh i just realized i have to write up two reports this week noooo#at least one of them i cleaned up nicely its just copy pasting#i think im just juggling through anxiety between 'good impression!!!' vs 'whats necessary'#i dont like wasting time lmao thats like the worst hell for me jfjfjdjd#edit: and then anxiety hits LMAO#but also like its out of my hands at this point how else do i contact him?#nothing to stress over lmao
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omg also im soo mad i e been listening to rhis worldbuilding podcast at work and it was giving me lots of ideas but i had to turn it off bc i took like..an hour on a room bc i was so focused on jt and my beautiful world.. and i forgot all the ideas i had 😭😭 all i can remember is my fairy thing and that isnt even a from today thoufht
#bc bssicallyyy the way magic works is every living thing produces Some magic. like its legit produced by an organ in all lviing things. and#how Much you produce is like. it can be influenced by a lot of factors genetics etc but everybody produces some. so thats all well and good#and the fairies technically dont produce lke. more magic rhan humans yk. kts actually Very similar levels BUT bc theyre so small that amt#of magic is proportionally a LOT. thats why fairies glow is bc they have so much magic (magic glows and in humans who#have a lot of magic they also tend to glow around their chest :] omg and alsooo some of the ways magic can be channeled is likee. through#your hands or your voice theres rly so many basically. and its very versatile but its likee#so im stoll working on the rules for it but basically the idea of it is like. it can be used as a form of energy and also as temporary#form of matter if that makes sense ?? idk how to explain kt)#But anyways so the fairies theg r soo little but have sooo much magic proportionally. so fhey can '#fly' with it (not rly flying rly its more like making little platforms to walk on in the air... this parts jnspired by kekkaishi cant even#lie to you i thjnk its awesome when they do that.) so ya#and technically a human could do the sane thing but the platform would be bigger and bearing more weight so it wouldnt rly be as like.#practical.. bc 1 human sized platform would be like..1000 fairy skzed platforms LOL. yk. but yeah so yeah#n then on occasion fairies are born with very low amts of magic (this happens with all creatures everybody Has magic but some ppl have so#little that rhey cant do much with jt) n these 'fairies' +#(theyre usually called something else but they r fairies. ive been calling them borrowers in my head but thats copyrighted skull) usually#cant live in fairy cities bc. well. fairy cities r very oriented around being able.to use magic to navigate them. so in antiquity the#borrower fairies would form sort of like. Underlayer cities where youd have the main fairy city up in the trees and then on the ground#would be the borrower city. but that started getting dangerous especially when tthe bigger ppl started expanding their territories and#stuff. so borrower fairies ended up forming Way more secretive communities either underground or like. oftentimes there will be entire#borrower communities in a house yk. and u see where my jnspo is comjng from yes i love the borrowers yes i watched arrietty a few weeks ago#but yeah :] the borrowers are wayyy more secretive bc they cant defend themselves against the big folk the way the magical fairies can yk.#so fairies are Known (though not often encountered bc of how defensive they are of their cities)#to humans but borrowers are WAYYY less frequently seen bc they go out.of their way not to.#theres ALSO. so. as mentioned magic is produced by an organ. normally if anything happens to that organ youre like. dead. yk. you cant rly#live without it. However fairies have figured out a way to majorly decrease your magic levels while keepjng you alive#like 50 percent kf the tjme it works the rest they just die. its a surgicql procedure basically and its Intensely guarded#as in 1-2 ppl know how to do it at any given time and if anybody else fjnds out theyre killed immediately. the only ppl who know it Exists#r like. theee highest ranking fairies in existence. its used as a punishment for the most 'heinous' crimes. aka the ones the fairy monarch#dislikes the most -_-. its not a Technical exile but like. yes it is..yk. since as i said you rly cant navigate a fairy city if you dont.
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...
#bleh brian is not working. too much static#can't focus. i should sleep bc i gotta meet my boss at 8#but things i will also do tomorrow: call my fucking insurance to figure out how to use it#bc i have weird out of state insurance from my mum so like idk. but i gotta do it bc im gonna try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist#bc my brain needs psychiatric attention lol#but also the lab mate i went sampling with today recently got diagnosed with adhd and gave me the name of the plsce#and i was like tell me what ur symptoms r like. and like if i have adhd it would b the plot twist of my life#but also i have horrible horrible executive dysfunction issues and related to a lotta what she said so idk#its just that i guess adhd has always been framed around not being able to meet deadlines in school and stuff#and im like nah im good at meeting deadlines. im horriblly anxious and compulsive so i dont forget or miss deadlines or dates#but my apartment and life out of school are in shambles bc i just originated around one draining focus#and i just lay in bed and cry bc i cant clean my fucking apartment and my sink is becoming obstructed by clothes that for some reason i#cant move? like fucking i dont kno. i tend to associate my broken brain stuff to dyslexia#bc when i was tested they were like lol ur short term memory is fucking awful. very below average lmao#so i was like oh my brain is not wired right. cool. but i dunno. i just need someone to assess my brain and tell me what's wrong with it#like i dunno im still doubtful of adhd as the source but its at least more convincingly on my radar. i will doubt until i have a diagnosis#in hand lol. but gotta find psychiatrist 1st. so gotta call tomorrow#it will happen. i will make it happen#unless the day goes off thr rails lol#unrelated
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twirling my hair. looks like i wont be able to work next month thanks to some Unfortunate Events soo... ill be updating my commission sheet/write a proper ToS for it and such iiif anyones interested-
#text#kind of personal?????#idk what this even counts as?#might delete but probably not? as a heads up#(i hurt my non-dominant hand and im allergic to the cleaning liquids we use at work so i dont want to stick it in there before it recovers)#im replacing my simple flat colors with the style im using to draw for my horse sketches#and my detailed lighting is going to be more along the lines of what ive done with that dragon recently#prices will change a little too to make up for how much longer i take to finish something#commissions#commission info#or update?
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very busy day tomorrow of typing away on my compooder
#misc#im not used to office work at all its so bizarre to me im used to physically going out and doing something idk caveman mentality but if i#dont physically produce it with my hands i dont feel very accomplished#also vastly because the last year and some change ive been working outside with my hands every single day and i liked that job very much so#it sort of became a preferance but ill probably adjust easily once i start really working#also i do have a lot to do tomorrow RDSHFGSD it's just vastly dwarfed by the fact that ill be doing it at home its. weird#ill find my own sense of accomplishment in it though with seeing the events i plan come to life i think that will be very fulfilling
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