#but idk how to forgive myself when i know if he even has the capacity to feel fear the one thing he's afraid of is bein alone

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

How am I supposed to process this

How am I supposed to survive this

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Just Take It | Jeon Jungkook | Part Two

Summary: The morning after the disaster that was your engagement party has got your head pounding and you're not even sure what your next move is gonna be. Pairing: Inexperienced f!reader x Best Friend's Dad Jungkook (20 year age gap) Word Count: 5k~ Warnings: Explicit Language (maybe idk I can't remember lol) an argument and idk that's kinda it lol and ofc barely edited lmao a/n: I'm putting out part 2 early as a thank you for all the notes and just the over all interaction you all have given my blog and this story so thank you. I've barely written anything for part 3 so there's gonna be a bigger gap between uploads so forgive me but be sure to check out my other stories as well in the meantime 🥰 Requested by: @kkusadmirer 💜

Hearing the birds outside is the first thing that brings me out of the dream state I had been in. I open my eyes and scan my surroundings and notice that I'm still at Jungkook's house. "What happened last night?" I say aloud, rubbing my eyes and sitting up before laying back down, getting an instant head rush.

"Y/n?" I hear Jungkook from the other side of door. "Come in" I say before thinking twice, not remembering anything about what happened last night. "Good morning sunshine" he says quietly, walking in with a glass of water and pain killers and I sit up slowly as he comes closer.

"How did I end up in here?" I ask and wordlessly thank him and take it real quick and start chugging the water while waiting for his response. "I carried you" he replies leaving me choking at the image.

"You carried me in here?" I ask, embarrassed that he had to take care of me like that. "Yeah you pretty much passed out on me so I kinda had to" he laughs, rubbing my back hoping to help me stop coughing. "I'm sorry I kinda don't remember anything" I admit and I see his face fall a little leaving me panicking again.

"Did I do something stupid?" I cringe and he laughs at whatever memory he has leaving me even more nervous. "No don't worry you were just being cute" he teases and I let out a breath I had been holding, thankful I didn't make too much of a fool of myself, or at least by his standards.

"I'm sorry I guess I lost control a bit" I say, looking down at my hands, embarrassed that I had given him so much trouble to deal with. "You know you say sorry a lot for someone who doesn't really have anything to be sorry about" he say and I sigh, not believing his words but not having the energy or brain capacity to argue.

"Hey" he says, tilting my chin up to look at him, you're fine y/n don't worry. I'm just glad you let me be there for you. I couldn't let you leave in the state you were in so thank you for trusting me to take care of you" he says while rubbing his thumb up against my cheek and all I can do in response is blink, so caught off guard by the sudden skin ship.

"Are you hungry?" he asks, letting go of my chin and taking the water glass from my hand. "Yes and no. Honestly I feel like I'm gonna throw up" I admit without thinking twice. "I mean I-"

"It's okay, you really did drink a lot so I'm not surprised. Let me at least make you some soup so you have something in your system" he says and I nod which satisfies him. "I'll let you know when it's ready" he continues and I nod again, watching as he makes his way out.

I hold my head in my hands, begging for the medicine to kick in so this pounding in my head goes away.  Although I know though that the onset stress of not knowing what happened last night is the real cause of this headache. 'What happened last night?' I question myself silently this time, going through everything that happened yesterday but the part after me coming back inside the house after everyone left is still a little fuzzy.

I sit and think for a little while longer and before I know it Jungkook is knocking on the door again. "Foods ready" he says with a sweet smile making me forget how exactly I'm supposed to respond. "Is everything okay?" he asks, coming to sit on my side of the bed. "I just, I really don't remember what happened last night" I say and he nods and thinks for a second before responding.

"How about this, lets get some food in you first and get you feeling a bit better and then I'll tell you. Okay?" he offers, tilting his head at me and I nod after thinking for a second or two. "Great, now can you get out there on your own or do you think you need some help?" he asks and I quickly go to shut down his offer.

"No Jungkook that's okay I can manage" I say and throw the covers off of me and slowly get up off the bed and I hear him chuckle a bit. "What are you laughing at?" I ask, confused as to if he's making fun of me or not.

"No, no it's nothing. I'm just surprised you called me Jungkook on your own this time" he says as I start to stand and my heart rate picks up, not even realizing I had done that. "Well you wanted me to call you that right?" I ask shyly, but I lose my footing when I stand up, still a bit weak to my dismay but before I have a chance to fall Jungkook catches me and pulls me onto his lap.

"I-" I start but am caught off by the proximity and the memories of last night start to flood my brain and I rest my head on his shoulder just like I did before I passed out.

I groan and he laughs at my reaction, "It all coming back to you isn't it?" he asks and I nod, not daring to make eye contact with him. "I can't believe I asked you to do that. I'm sorry" I say and try to get off his lap but he pull me back on it with his hands that are firmly placed on my hips.

"Hey, you didn't do anything wrong" he says, brushing the hair that had fallen on my face out of the way. If I couldn't breathe before I definitely can't breathe now, especially since I catch him looking down at my lips before quickly flipping them back to my eyes.

"Okay" is all I can manage to choke out and before he's able to do anything else I quickly get up off his lap and walk out of the room, needing to break the tension that had started to build between us.

'What the fuck am I doing? Kissing my best friend...well ex best friend's dad? Like what the fuck is wrong with me?' I walk into the bathroom in the hallway to get an extra five minutes alone so I can try to stop my heart from racing. Who would've thought that in less than twenty four hours I would have a mental breakdown not once, but twice in this same bathroom. 'Why does this shit always have to happen to me?'

After taking a few more breaths and washing my face I walk into the kitchen where I see Jungkook enjoying his morning cup of coffee, or should I say afternoon cup of coffee as I check the clock seeing it's already past two.

"Did I really sleep this late?" I ask, cringing at the thought of yet again inconveniencing him. "Yeah but don't worry I was planning on having a lazy day anyways" he says, reading my mind and motioning for me to sit down at one of the stools on the island he has in his kitchen.

He turns his back to me and starts preparing me a bowl of soup but I can help but check him out, his strong broad shoulders that lead down to his small waist and accompanied by his ass and thick thighs I could just-

"Here you go" he say, placing the bowl in front of me and I quickly bring my eyes to the food he's given me. It smells strangely like home, almost as if my mom had made it for me when I had been sick as a kid. "Thank you" I say quietly and take a bite, moaning at the warm and rich flavor that hits my tongue without even realizing what I'd done.

"That good huh?" he asks while leaning back on one of the counters with his arms crossed over his chest. "Oh- um, yeah. Yes, thank you" I say, quickly tripping over my words but he just smiles before taking another sip of coffee and I quickly go back to eating my soup. This time quietly.

"So what are you planning on doing?" he asks casually after I've finished eating, as if I know what he's talking about. "What do you mean?" I question after taking a drink of water, him having refused to give me a cup of coffee until I had at least drank two cups of water.

"You live with my daughter right?" he questions and my whole mood turns upside down. He takes notice of it and quickly back pedals, "I guess I should've waited for you to wake up a bit more before asking you that" he says, now offering me an apology cup of coffee.

"No it's okay you're right. I probably should figure out what I'm gonna do. To be honest I think I'll move out. Just because being in the same space that I used to spend time with them in just sounds like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak" and he nods at my reasoning but I decide to continue anyways, verbally processing it all.

"If I stay there I'll be reminded of all the good times we had and the many memories we made together and I don't want to be haunted by those images. Plus a fresh start sounds perfect to me" I say and he continues while adding the perfect amount of milk and sugar to my coffee, weirdly.

"So are you just going to stay there until you find a place?" he asks and I think about how awkward it's going to be just working around her until I find that perfect place. "I was thinking I could probably ask my sister if I could crash at her place for a bit" I say thinking of the first solution that comes to mind.

"But doesn't your sister live on the opposite side of the city from your internship?" he questions and I slump at that realization. "You're right. I guess I'll just have to wake up a bit earlier" I say, trying to figure out how to remedy this problem full well knowing it's been hard enough for me to wake up and get there on time even though I only lived ten minutes away.

"Why don't you stay here?" he offers and my whole body straightens up instantly, "You would let me stay here?" I ask, my eyebrows raised as high as they possibly could, surprised that he would even offer something like that and he nods in response.

"You would let me stay here?" I question again, clarifying if I heard him right. "Yeah why not? I've got plenty of space and it's not like we're strangers or anything. Plus your internship is only about ten minutes further from here than where you live now" he says, making good points as to why I should take him up on the offer.

"I couldn't possibly do that to you. I mean I wouldn't want to disturb your life like that. But thank you!" I say, shutting down the idea right away but he persists nonetheless.

"Again, I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to. You're more than welcome to stay here and you can even move upstairs into one of the bigger bedrooms. Plus I have a storage unit that I haven't really used so you can store any big pieces of furniture you might have" he continues, trying to convince me even more and when he sees that I am about to refuse again he comes up with a compromise.

"Stay one more night. Tomorrow's Sunday right? That way you won't have to worry about work or anything like that so we can just relax and talk about things over today and tomorrow and then you can decide what you'd like to do" he says and it gets me to think about it for a second which makes him hopeful and ultimately I end up accepting.

"I guess I could stay one more night" I say and he gives me a half smile which some how makes me more nervous than a full one and so I take the first sip of my coffee that has honestly gone cold by now.

"Perfect. Did you want me to go take you to your place to pick up some clothes that you might need?" he questions, jumping at the opportunity to be helpful. "No that's okay. I drove here so I have my car out front" I say, shutting his next offer down but he make another good point that has me second guessing myself.

"Are you sure you want to drive when you're hungover? I don't think I can let you do that" he says, falling into a protective mode which is endearing but I don't think I could take advantage of him like that since he's already done so much for me. "I'll be fine Jungkook don't worry" I say and he nods his head respecting my choice and I let out a breath, happy that I don't have to fight him on this one too.

"Okay, did you want to borrow some more of my clothes so you can shower before you go?" he questions and I smile awkwardly, happy that he offered but guilty that he yet again is helping me out.

"I'll be back in a sec" he chuckles and walks past me, placing a hand on my back as he passes by which makes me sit up straight at the feeling and I watch him as he jogs upstairs to go retrieve said clothes.

He comes down seconds later with the clothes, a towel and even a toothbrush in hand. "Thought you might want one of these too" he says and I accept it all sheepishly before excusing myself and making my way into the bathroom.

How am I even supposed to act in this kind of situation? Like my ex best friend's dad who I kissed last night while I was drunk is now offering to let me stay here so I can move out of the apartment I share with his toxic daughter that my boyfriend cheated on me with. Like this is just way too much weirdness for me.

I shake off those thoughts and get in the shower to quickly get rid of all of these roaming thoughts and just hope and pray that somehow things will work out and I can settle into a new normal with my own place as soon as possible but I guess that luck just isn't on my side these days...

~~~~

After getting out of the shower and getting dressed I dry my hair with the hair dryer I happened to find under the sink and try to make myself look as presentable as possible so when I go back home I don't look like the complete mess that I know I am on the inside.

There's no reason I should be showing any kind of weakness around Jina or Jared so I just need to get in and get out of there as fast as I can so I can avoid as much awkwardness as possible. Being hungover doesn't help this situation in the slightest so I just really hope that she's not even there.

Walking out of the bathroom I'm met with a freshly clean Jungkook, scrolling through his phone while sitting on the couch and he quickly turns his head once he notices I've finished up.

"You feeling okay" he asks, always concerned for my wellbeing and I guess I just need to chalk it up to the parent side of him. Maybe that's all this is? Maybe Jina hasn't really given him an opportunity to be her dad in a while so he's just seeing me as another daughter he wants to take care of. That makes a lot more sense so thinking about it now I think I can go into this with a lot clearer mindset than before.

"Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better thankfully" I say and head to the guest room where I stayed last night. "If you wanna just throw all of that into the washing machine I'll get a load going later on" he calls after me and I simply do as he asks and then head back into said bedroom.

"Hey Jungkook have you seen my phone?" I question while throwing the blankets around, trying to figure out where I could've put it. "Yeah you left it out in the living room last night so I put it on the charger when I woke up. Here" he says and I jolt at the sound of his voice being in the room with me, full on expecting him to still be on the couch.

"Thank you" I say while holding my hand out to take it with the other one placed over my heart, trying to calm down after the shock of him getting here so quickly. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you" he chuckles and I wave off his apology, not seeing any need for it. "It's fine don't worry about it" I say and once I unlock it I see call after call after call after call from not only Jared but Jina, my mom and my sister, with just as many text messages to match.

"Looks like you're really popular today" he jokes, trying to make light of the situation. "Not for the right reasons" I mumble and lock my phone, not bothering to sift through the hundreds of notifications just yet.

"I've gotta head out and get a few things at the store so why don't you come with me? We can stop by your place to get your things and then this way you can help me pick out some groceries so we have stuff that you like as well" he says while grabbing his keys and instead of trying to refuse I simply nod and follow him outside.

We get in the car and drive silently to my place but once we get a bit closer I stop him. "Would you mind parking around the corner? It's just...well I don't want Jina to see you driving me around and make a big deal about it" he nods his head and without a fuss pulls into the coffee shop parking lot around the corner.

"Is this alright?" he questions and I nod and get out of the car. "Let me know if you need any help. She's my daughter so it's not like she would do anything drastic if I was around" he says, referring to her sometimes short temper. Plus with these added hormones there's no telling how she gonna be reacting to things now that everything is out in the open.

As I make my way to the apartment I check my phone to see if she's still sharing her location with me and thankfully she is and I see that she's still at work so hopefully if move fast enough I should be in and out before she comes home.

Walking into the apartment it looks as though she's started gathering her own stuff up in boxes, almost as if she's getting ready to move out. I appreciate the fact that since she fucked up that she automatically volunteered to move out but she's more than welcome to keep this place as far as I'm concerned.

I jog back into my room, reminding myself of the task at hand and I grab my duffle bag and start putting as many things as I think I'll need to get me through at least a few days in case anything happens. Better safe than sorry right?

My last stop is the bathroom where I pack up my shampoo and conditioner as well as my skincare products and throw it all into a plastic bag that I'm able to place easily on top of the rest of the items in the bag but before I'm even able to finish getting the rest of my toiletries together I'm greeted with the sound of Jina walking in.

"Y/n?" she calls out and I swear under my breath, trying to think of a way to make this whole situation as quick and painless as possible. "Y/n?" she says again, rounding the corner and finding me in the bathroom where I've started to pick up the pace and throw things in haphazardly wanting to get the fuck out already.

"What are you doing?" she questions me and I walk past her and back into my room and throw the bag in my duffle bag and zip everything up. "Please don't ignore me" she says in pretty much the most pitiful voice I've ever hear out of her and I scoff and roll my eyes. "You don't have the right to be acting like that. I'm moving out so don't bother moving out if you want the apartment" I say and throw on a baseball hat and walk out of my room and make a b line for the front door.

"Y/n please talk to me" she pleads and it's taking everything in me not to slap that 'poor me' attitude out of her. "You wanna talk? Let's speed this up for the both of us alright? You slept with my boyfriend behind my back, got pregnant and ruined my relationship and now I'm moving out. That pretty much covers everything if I'm not mistaken so let's just call this conversation over. I'll be back to pick up the rest of my shit later so don't touch anything" I say quickly without giving her a second to get a word in.

"When's later?" she asks and I roll my eyes at her pitiful excuse in trying to keep me here. "Whenever the hell I feel like it Jina. Sorry I can't make everything magically disappear right away" I say and turn to grab the handle but she just keeps going.

"Where are you staying?" she has the audacity to ask and I smile and shake my head at her stupidity. "Why would I ever tell you that? So you can come bother me with your lame excuses of apologizing. Or oh yeah even worse telling Jared where to find me so he can do the same thing. Why don't you guys do all of us a favor and stay the hell out of my life" I say and walk out the door, making sure to slam it right behind me.

While walking back to Jungkook's car I try my best to calm my breathing so I can hide what happened from him. There's no reason why he even needs to know that she showed up so might as well keep it to myself.

As I get closer to his car I watch as he looks up and sees me coming and gets out to grab my bag from me. "Is this everything you wanted?" he questions, taking it from me and placing it in the trunk. "Yep that's everything. Or at least enough to get me through the next few days" I say and get in the car with him following suit soon after.

"Are you okay?" he asks, concern now laced all over his expression. "I'm totally fine, why do you ask?" I question in the most awkward tone of voice I've ever heard come out of me. "Because you're shaking" he points out and grabs one of my hands, holding it between two of his.

"No it's okay I'm fine" I say, my voice now getting wobbly, matching the shakiness of my hands. "Something happened in there didn't it?" he asks and I shake my head but he raises a questioning brow at me which has me nodding a moment later, admitting to what happened. "Jina came home" I say and take a shaky breath in and out, trying to keep myself from crying.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he questions and I quickly shake my head and he nods his and lets go of my hand and turns to start the car and pull out of the parking lot but as soon as we're on the main road again he reaches out for one of my hands and holds onto it again, not letting go until we get to the store.

~~~~~

Grocery shopping with him feels weirdly domestic and felt as though we had done it dozens of times before, with both of our methods on how to shop quickly and efficiently matching up perfectly and so time flies and before I know it we're already putting the groceries away in his kitchen.

"We make a pretty good team huh?" he says and tossing me an apple and I catch it in time, further proving his point. "I guess we do" I say amusedly and take a big bite out of it. "No I'm serious! I swear whenever I go alone I always end up forgetting one of the most obvious ingredients and with your help I don't think I forgot a single thing" he says taking a bite of the apple he had gotten for himself.

"Well I'm glad to have been of some help. I feel bad since you've been doing nothing but taking care of me for the past twenty four hours and I haven't been able to give you anything in return" I admit, twisting the stem of until it pops off.

"You've given me plenty in return" he laughs off, as if I had said something ridiculous. "Oh yeah like what?" I ask, taking another bite of the apple and leaning back against the counter.

"You've definitely given me quite a few laughs today" he says and I scrunch my eyebrows together knowing that he's just making fun of me. "And you've definitely made my day a whole lot more interesting. Plus I learned some new things about you" he says and I gulp at that last part, knowing I've definitely overshared with him quiet a few times.

"Like how you prefer green apples over red. How you prefer white bread over wheat and that you get shy whenever I get close to you" he lists off, the last one obviously catching me off guard.

"I-" I start but I'm frozen in place as he gets closer to me and I just realized how I've backed myself into a corner. "Jungkook I-" I try again but my efforts die in my throat when he places his hands on either side of my hips, trapping me against the counter, staring at me as if he hasn't eaten in weeks.

"Do you wanna tell me why that is?" he asks, tilting his head almost taunting me. "I don't know what you're talking about" I say, doing my best to remain level headed. "You sure about that?" he asks and I nod my head in response, not trusting my voice to stay steady this time. "Then why are you holding your breath?" he says while placing his hand on my neck and using his thumb to press down on my chin, encouraging me to open my mouth which I do with almost no hesitation.

"I don't know" I whisper but he leans in closer, bringing his lips closer to mine. "I think you're lying" he say, his warm breath fanning my face, promises of pleasure hidden behind those words and it has me whimpering at the thought. 

"Y/n, earth to y/n" Jungkook says, bursting the bubble of the incredibly inappropriate daydream I had been having in front of him. "I-i'm sorry what was that?" I stutter, making it clear that I hadn't been paying attention. 

"Maybe you're running a fever" he says, walking over to me and placing the back of his hand to my forehead, his cool hand causing a shiver to run down my spine. "What makes you say that?" I ask, looking up at him, taking in his features from our closer proximity. "Because you're burning up, and your whole face has gone red" he says and I feel my cheeks getting even more red at his observation. 

"Are you feeling alright?" he asks, making purposeful eye contact with me. "Yeah I just, I think I need to go lay down for a while" I say, finding the easiest escape route possible. "That's probably a good idea. I shouldn't have kept you out for so long" he says, guilt clouding his expression and I take one of his hands in mine without giving it a second thought making him jolt for a second but tighten his hold around mine just seconds later. 

"I'm fine don't worry" I say with a small smile, "It was my fault for drinking so much. If I'm ever around you again and there's alcohol involved could you do me a favor and stop me from drinking so much" I laugh, trying to lift his spirits and it seems to do the trick. 

"Of course darling" he says and places a kiss on the center of my forehead. "Now go lay down, you really are burning up" he says, having felt the heat radiating off of me from the kiss he had graced me with. I smile up at him and nod my head before turning around and heading back to my room. 

Living with him might not be so bad. It's been a while since someone's taken care of me or even shown me such simple kindness without needing anything in return. I'm not sure if it would be the smartest decision but I'm definitely warming up to the idea...

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[safety-pin-punk]

Idk if you know that Ronnie from falling in reverse is like, a piece of shit but he is. even if you forgive him for his past when he was a alcoholic (domestic abuse, sexual assault, throwing a stand mix at a fan’s face) he’s currently a massive bigot, particularly a misogynist and transphobe

*sigh* I honestly need to just write a statement to copy/paste every time I get one of these. But heres the short version:

Due to past traumas in my life, I very much try to distance myself from any news related to celebrities and music artists. *especially* anything relating to sexual abuse and assault. So while I appreciate what you are trying to do with this ask, personally, I will do nothing with this information.

I listen to music based on how it makes me feel. For my own sanity, I can not police myself and the music I consume based on things artists have done. That is not a battle that I have the capacity to spend energy on, nor has it ever proved good for my mental health to focus on the negative things so much. Again. *especially* anything related to sexual assult

[ragingprincessdiaries]

I’ve never really expressed this but there is always a huge sense of relief that comes to me everytime I disassociate myself from a man like ending something with a man is always a relief to me even if they were good to me. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off of me because i feel like I lose myself when “tied” to a man (and maybe that’s also a me problem and something I need to look into) But honestly the more I don’t interact with men the happier or rather peaceful I am.

Also this comes as a surprise for someone who comes from a huge family of men whom I genuinely appreciate and love and who love me just as much. This feeling is not from any form of trauma. But honestly dealing with men is so >>a lot << sometimes (I don’t even know half the experience of men but witnessing them through other people I just feel like I’m alright with those experiences and the ones I have already encountered )

I agree that I have a high tolerance but I have no capacity for the situations men put woman through especially with their selfish behaviour. The capacity to be forgiving and give out chances on chances to make it work. I’m sorry I don’t. And I won’t. I feel like I would have so much resentment and I don’t think that is even good for me or anyone I’d be involved with.

Come to think of it my own parents have seen this before I could even pin point it (which is now) I don’t have the patience for a man (it’s quite sad because idk man I love men Ksksksks😂) even my principle in high-school once said something about my character and questioning if I would deal with any man or get married and stated that he doesn’t know how my “husband” will deal with me. Low-key I was offended then but now? I just feel like I don’t even care.

But then again I am reminded that no man is perfect and I am not perfect either so maybe I’m going through a young 20 year old midlife crisis after being heartbroken fr for the first time by a man 😭😭😭

[common-blackbird]

Started!

This is my Inquisitor (so overjoyed you can be a qunari), her name is the default Herah and I decided I’m going to approach this game by staying true to a character and not looking to do everything and be on everyone’s good side u_u

I want to make a good background for her so i’m not telling anything. Yet. I’ll just say she’s a qunari mercenary and prefers using two-handed weapons.

Highlights from today:

Studying history does pay off! This was a reference to the famous book in environmental history - Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond. So proud i recognised it x)

Also i don’t have a good shot of solas but he cracks me up so much.. The guy has a posture of the typical retired grandpa (the only thing missing is to have him walk with his hands on his back). And there’s a scene where the party sees the rift and there’s the inquisitor facing it, cassandra bracing herself and solas... just standing like an old man

On a side note, Cassandra is so gorgeous and good and i already love her, i just keep taking shots of her TAT

As for varric, it’s so different than from da2, this is so much more “official” and you can see he’s the same as ever, but you’re not hawke, hawke’s not here, the gang’s not here and there’s nothing casual about the whole situation T-T

And lastly, my inquisitor has a horse now, i didn’t know that was possible in the game ;__;

played some more...

Let  me start with.... The advisors! (+ cassandra... or is she also an advisor too?)

What a bunch. I love Cassandra’s and Leliana’s faith having a crisis bc they believe that Inquisitor is the Herald of Andraste and the way they deal with it. It’s really interesting. Leliana is completely opposite than what she was in origins and i’m surprised it doesn’t bother me at all! I love seeing this whole darker side that was only hinted at in origins, though it’s also sad when i think how she used to be. I wonder how she’s gonna overcome her doubting of faith. 

Josephine is a delight. I keep using her for almost every war table mission for now. She radiates capability. She reminds me of those bureaucrats that are super nice and helpful and chill and even if you’re doing everything wrong she’ll just smile and say “it’s ok, we can fix it” and then goes and fixes everything herself (and you feel this insane amount of gratitude you send a whole separate email to thank her for her patience and help )

As for Cullen... It’s interesting... I got impression from what i saw in the fandom that he’s supposed to have had his allegiance changed and him rejecting the templars should have been him ultimately siding with the mages (or at least being anti-templar(?)), and that turning point that could have been a great way to show his character development during the game. Which i agree, only... i did not get that impression from the game so far at all. I mean, so far everything that i can remember him saying is totally smth he’d say in da2... He didn’t leave kirkwall bc of his disappointment with the templar order, he doesn’t seem to have any issues with the templars except those who go full war mode instead of trying to balance the situation. And it’s a really chaotic situtation, i love how they did it.

This line was amazing, i wish there was a special cutscene for that.

I’m loving the way they made this huge religious organisation in crisis have a complete collapse with the death of a key figure. I love the concept of inquisition and problems that it poses. I love you can see everyone’s reasoning and doubts reflect their background, but also see why inquisition can be understood as another power-grasping organisation trying to topple the templars, the mages and the chantry. Everything is divided. We got templars leaving the chantry, seekers leaving the chantry(?), rebel mages, loyal mages, rebel mages gone rouge, templars gone rouge, and suddenly there’s another organisation forming that you can totally believe is just another powerhungry force trying to get the piece of the cake by taking advantage of the power vacuum left by the sudden lack of the religious authority. (and only we know we’re The Good Guys). I love that we have characters who need to believe in the greater plan, characters who question the greater plan, and characters who want to utilise the power of belief and characters who don’t care for divine plans. The chaos is real and it feels real. I love that the centre figure of the whole holy business is a heretic of another culture. For the chantry this is the lose-lose situation (unless the inquisitor becomes religious by the end of the game). Which is why this line works so well. 

Ok, now shorter updates:

Red Jenny! I know it’s not her actual name but it is in my head. Where’s that box i delivered ages ago >_> Anyways, she makes my brain work on 150% capacity. I can understand what she means only after i go over it for 5 times.

Forgive me but oh my god, i can’t believe that i can recognise one voice actor and now i have another mental image whenever he speaks. Like, he’s really good at bringing out a new character, but when he gets more casual he sounds like kanan jarrus from star wars rebels and i’m just “what are you doing here, space dad” ;__; Hopefully it’ll get old and i’ll be enjoying more iron bull. he seems nice...

Vivienne on the other hand is like a reverse Josephine(?) She seems insanely capable but hates customer service, however somehow she likes you very much and will do everything you need for reasons you can’t fathom. Have a screenshot. So classy. I already feel humbled.

and lastly, BREAKING NEWS: aveline finally hired carver ;__;

Tbh Kirkwall is still a mystery and i have so many questions but i don’t think i’ll get any answers... If a powervacuum of the divine cause this much chaos, how’s kirkwall faring without a new viscount? Like, yeah, aveline can keep in check, but umm it’s in a very vulnerable state which makes it a good target for any invasion... didn’t sebastian promise bloodshed?

That’s all for now, bc otherwise i’ll start writing an essay on cassandra.

We befriended a bear in the hinterlands!

lets start with this cool shot

so, i have been to the mages and to the templars and... i sided with the templars.... First i was all for mages since they offered negotiations while the seeker just walked away, but then it turned out that was a trap, there’s also tevinter mages there (which is a red flag for my inquisitor) and then there’s some time magic involved (which is a big no for me), and i just walked out. Felt bad for the mages but my inquisitor comes from a culture where mages have their tongues cut so...

Also this guy deserves a medal for putting up with corrupted superiors and annoying nobles.

And i met cole ;__; Where are Rhys and Evangeline ;___;

the templar mission was ok i guess... I was surprised that red lyrium was apparently circulating around for some time, not sure if that means since meredith or even before. I love the stories of corruption tho and to imagine what it’s like to be trapped in this organisation that just keeps breaking everything it stands for

As for the important mages, i’ve Dorian twice since i bailed out on him in Redcliffe :I I love the guy, he seems arrogant yet so kind (like, no one would have carried that annoying priest and yet he did, after he ran from his own people to warn us after i ditched him in Redcliffe? man ;A;) Every time i go with “ok the inquisitor fears tevinter and distrusts this rando who just popped in” i am marinating in guilt.

and then we fight some mages and die several times but we succeed and we meet the bad guy...

Is it an unpopular opinion to say that i like him as a villain so far? i saw so many jokes on his incompetency. Idk, i like that part where he said that he reached the fade in someone’s name, it makes me think he’s not just power-hungry person(?) who’s just evil,but was originally serving someone, and he said that the gods were either gone or corrupted and he spent hundreds of years thinking what to do with whatever happened so he seems like he knows what he’s doing and maybe(!just maybe) he is trying to fix things that are wrong but we can’t see that? And of course he hates the inquisitor, he has to redo his stuff all over again, i’d hate the inquisitor too. im probably looking too much into it. My wish is that, if he’s evil, he became so gradually, but originally had good intentions? Or there’s more to things going on that we just don’t know and he does... Maybe this was his tragic attempt to fix things but he would ultimately fail and be branded as a villain etc etc. I’m getting carried away

If it turns out he’s just evil for the sake of being evil then feel free to tell me so now so i don’t embarrass myself further with plotting myself lol.

A side note, is he the Architect? Or the same? In DA2 he says he’s a tevinter magister, right? and he ceased to be a human. Also in DA2 it seemed like he was the boss, and here he said he reached in the name of someone (probably more important than him). But what is the Architect then?

And with that we reach the skyhold.

in skyhold

I didn’t know you meet hawke so soon ;__; i thought that was like, somewere more to the end of the game, since the big decision and all. But the mission is already opened and i am going to procrastinate on it until i finish every side mission :<

Also he is so sad ;__; i understand, but at the same time... all that humour now bitter sarcasm :’(

(also, very shallow remark, but i really really prefer his looks in da2 than here... it’s like they softened him. He’s more...oh god idk bearish(???) than hawkish(????) you know what i mean? the nose isn’t as sharp anymore, the beard is... what is it with the beard... anyways i get the game has its limits so it’s fine. it’s fine! fine.)

then there was the fight that i remember since twitter >:D

It’s what made me want to play dragon age and i finally reached it T-T so good! I love how you can see the both sides and everything they say is true but they’re so angry at themselves they’re taking it out on each other TAT

Cassandra later says Hawke probably wouldn’t have joined the inquisition even if she found him, and i wonder now if that’s true... At first i thought, nah, Hawke has too much of a hero complex, he would feel too responsible to just say no. Besides, he’s with the inquisition now (tho i can’t find him anywhere anymore!). But at the same time, the way da2 ends was such an iconic walking away from everything, and not taking into account the hocus-pocus rift stuff, i can imagine him refusing, especially seeing how bitter he is now. It’s also a question of how much would have cassandra told him i guess. idk, what do you think? Would he lead or nah?

another person i want to find but can’t in skyhold are the templars with ser barris. i can use them on war table missions but otherwise they’re non-existant? i forgot to talk to him back in haven but now i wonder if it was even possible and if he was even available there, since he isn’t here. I spent hours just running around skyhold looking for the guy :(

and then everything becomes unimportant bc aaaaa!! she! is the arcanist! Dagna! im so happy and proud(?) she went and reached her goals x)

anyways that’s all for now, laters

some random updates:

so i did the halamshiral and gave up to my “stick to the character” mode, and nothing went my way, but that’s life. Met morrigan! i almost forgot she appears lol. And, despite also jumping on the wagon of give-morrigan-better-clothes train, i have to admit seeing her in her old clothes was a relief after that dress at the ball. It’s not the way the dressed looked, but the way she moved in it... god im shallow

i also initially didn’t like morrigan being at orlais court of all places, but after the conversation that’s supposed to explain why she’s there i’m kinda ok with it. I mean, i still need some more info. Wouldn’t Tevinter be better? she’d practically become a magister overnight if she got this good in the game so fast. It’s also unconvincing how everyone knows everything in orlais but somehow nobody connected that the random kid that has no bakcground whatsoever with morrigan who keeps checking on him? But at skyhold she’s just “hey i have a kid, he’s no trouble, right?”  but hey, it’s morrigan. She can do anything. I’ll just have another story idea in my head.

Then there was news of the new divine that could be either cassandra or leliana and i don’t honestly know whom to choose. I’d prefer leliana over cassandra simply bc cassandra is more of a military mind, while the position of the divine would be more political. But lately every mission with leliana was spy spy, kill kill... Do we really want that for a religious leader? On the other hand, it would nicely round up her story from origins to inquisition... But cassandra is more of a public figure than leliana is...

when cassandra said:

“I want to respect the tradition, but not fear change. I want to right the past wrongs, but not avenge them. And I have no idea if wanting any of them makes them right.”

great moment. She’s usually so convinced and rash, i forget she’s more doubtful and open minded than what she looks like. Everything about cassandra is different from the impression she gives ;__; I love her so so so so much. (when she says she considers the inquisitor her friend i melted, next time varric pulls up the “seeker has no friends” joke, my heart will no longer be breaking).

I did a bunch of personal missions. Some were cool, some were ????. Also there were war table missions with zevran, that was cool. Also i love the codex entries in skyhold. The archery competition with varric banned? Dancing lessons failing bc lace harding is on the move all the time? Perfect.

And i met chargers, i like them, and aaah that staff-bow from the trailer is such a cool idea ;A;

What i don’t get with bull’s chargers is - they’re a mercenary group right? But isn’t swordselling seen as the complete misunderstanding of the qun? I get only bull is qunari, but he’s the leader of them? How is that not frowned upon?

And lastly, i don’t think i’ve said this, but i love that they added codex entries in the loading screens. love it.

update

After months of procrastination, i have faced my fears and have met alistair. it was very anticlimatic beating 11 level monsters when i was level 21...

but.. ALISTAIR TAT He’s changed... but not changed... but changed! Like, his personality is the same, but he’s more serious, doesn’t run from responsibilities, isn’t as bitter as hawke (also, why do i get impression that i am supposed to get the impression that they’re friends? they’ve met like, once, and talked for less than a minute.. whatevs. let’s pretend they’ve met again when on the run), i really love the inquisition alistair ;;__;;

Also, i managed to get that awkward demon baby family reunion :D

 know that morrigan says the vaguest generic thing “i told him his father was a good man” bc of various world states, but i also think she’s come a long way not to mock alistair, and then when he notices that she didn’t use the opportunity he mentions that the kid changed her and she’s like “pfft, yea right, you wish”....

... when she was the one who said that in the first place ;;__;;

Awwww :> I love that they bicker but softly. Kids have grown up :’) Anyways, when will alistair start paying alimony

The only weird one is Leliana bc when morrigan was introduced she was like “danger danger” (smth i’d sooner think alistair would do), and when alistair is (supposedly) in skyhold, Leli doesn’t even mention him, only hawke.  bruh, what were they to you, you almost died together ;;__;;

oh i also slayed a dragon.  I didn’t even want to fight that dragon. It was a hillarious feat of inquisitor, solas, cole and blackwall, all on level 21, having to chug all the health potions right at the beginning while fighting a dragon that was... level 13, after which i just let go of controls and suddenly everyone was hella good at fighting and slayed it (only cole needed revival several times).  

And, befitting the wild-dream feel that it had, when i got back to skyhold and visited companions, suddenly i was drinking pelin with iron bull, and he’s reminiscing on that fight with the dragon and i’m like

it was awful and you weren’t even there.

i forgot to update

but last time i was playing i finished the hawke/alistair sacrifice and all the torture i went through with deciding whom to sacrifice vanished bc frankly, at one moment, i wanted to sacrifice both of them, but in the end it was much more easier to sacrifice hawke bc inquisition hawke just didn’t feel like hawke to me, while alistair improved since the origins!

and now i remembered why i didn’t update, in the same day cassandra rejected me so i was sad and didn’t continue playing since then (i think last time i played it was around easter?)

new update

BLACKWALL!! or should i say Thom Rainier? Wow, what an arc! It was also so fun bc i was all strict mode, picking the third option, telling him his life is in inquisitor’s hands and all that, but in the end i set him free. He’s so good, a true knight T-T

Also i romanced sera. we’ll see how that goes.

Also, fave point in the game so far, i wanted, for so long, to sit at that val roeayoux (can’t spell) cafe and finally did it with cole’s personal mission. THANK YOU COLE YOU TRULY CAN READ PEOPLE’S MINDS.

another interesting thing was that after specialising as a reaver, cassandra said that drinking dragon blood makes you grow scales and become mad. Iron Bull said that inquisitor smells better bc dragon blood and that qunari generally smell better than humans. So i’m guessing qunari have fractions of dragon in them? ok...

and now i started that mission with morrigan and the puzzles are killing me lol, i am this 👌 close to just go chase calpernia and give up on a well of sorrows.

[kaaras-adaar]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME:  Owl, K, Kmod.

PRONOUNS: He/Him

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: I don’t mind. If it’s first interactions, I assume IM’s and asks is totally an okay way to communicate with me. If I feel we’re in for the long haul, then I’ll offer my discord (or add you if you offer). I generally only chat on discord with mutuals, tho. I will say, I’m REALLY antisocial. Some days, I’m too tired to reply/talk, even tho I’m online. My work is incredibly taxing when it comes to my people metre, so please never take offence if I’m not responding. Sometimes I’m online but not at my PC as well. I will reply when I can. Just know it’s not you, it’s 100% me! Ask all of my close RP buddies, and I’m sure they’ll all agree :’D 

NAME OF MUSE(s):  Kaaras Taashath Adaar 

RP EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?):  Oof... wow, I think I started Rping back in... maybe 2008? 

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED:  DevART notes, email, livejournal, MSN, Skype, MERP forum, chat rooms, Tumblr. 

BEST EXPERIENCE:  Probably the people I have met here in the DARP community. Some of you are my closest friends, and I find that even with distance and time between us, we can still pick up like we’ve never stopped, and I really love that. Real life is busy and sometimes you just can’t talk all the time, and you guys understand that. I miss my days in the Transformers fandom, but mostly because I was younger and more carefree (the place was very toxic). Being able to write Kaaras has been such an amazing experience over the years, and I’m a lot wiser for it. 

PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: Pet peeves, too much ooc content and too many RL (modern) FC posts on my dash. I don’t mind fantasy/medieval ones, but when I see FC’s with mobiles in a world I don’t write in, it feels very out of place for me. I have a really odd thing with FCs. Not a deal breaker, though. Dealbreakers?  Just don’t be a cunt. If you’re policing people how to write and being a cunt on my dash, I’m not interested. Callout posts are childish no matter who you are. I don’t care for your excuses and your white knightery. I’m too old for that shit, and it looks disgusting even if you’re trying to take the moral high ground. Just unfollow and be done with it. You don’t like the way they said or write something, then act like an adult and deal with it maturely. Leave the high school drama at high school. Politics is also a big thing that is starting to piss me off as well. I work hard every day, in healthcare, in the middle of a pandemic, on the front line... the last fucking thing I want to do when I get home is see bullshit politics on my dash when I deal with fuck heads all day at work. I’m here to WRITE and enjoy myself, not deal with the real world and its politics, let alone seeing people ‘splain. If I wanted to deal with that, I’d just stay at work all day. 

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT:  All. I’m a fan of all of it, so long as there’s chemistry between the characters and we’re going somewhere with it.

PLOTS OR MEMES:  I love both. Admittedly, memes are probably the best ice breakers for me, because I don’t have a lot of time to plot anymore--that and being so tired from work makes my brain frizzle out and I can’t even THINK of plots. Memes spike interest because some of the best PLOTS have come from memes. Both have their place, I’m just a tired old man who can’t think of plots much anymore, which is sad because I used to have so many ideas. Whether it’s because I’ve been writing Kaaras for so long that nothing seems new anymore? Or I’m just very tired and my poor, Aspie brain is too filled for new ideas to come in. IDK. But memes are a good way to start things! Also, they can be really random which makes Kaaras react in ways I’m surprised! But once we write a few times, then plots will be sure to come, and I do love discussing them! When I have the brain capacity :( 

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES:  Unless it’s just short bits of dash commentary or a one-off, I prefer longer threads. It’s difficult for me to delve into anything in a short reply. (Fox pretty much hit the nail on the head, so I’m keeping their response here).

BEST TIME TO WRITE: Whenever I have a day off work. Fridays are generally my best, because I’m home alone and have all the space to myself. Weekends I need to do errands, groceries and like to spend some time with my partner playing games or whatever. Generally speaking, Monday--Thursday I’m pretty dead tired. 

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S):  In some ways, for sure. We both have very high moral compasses, and we both see people as people. Kaaras has a lot more patience than I do, and is certainly kinder and more forgiving. We are both neurodivergent, and we both require our alone time to recharge. Kaaras is far more poetic than I could ever wish to be, and we’re both very blunt (although Kaaras is better at dealing with confrontation than I am). I would say that we can both be very quick to detatch ourselves from anyone/thing that is toxic as well. Both of us are absolutely fuelled with rage when it comes to seeing innocent people being harmed as well--he definitely gets that from me lol. We both love animals and have farm experience. But we are also VERY different in many ways, too. 

Tagged by: @ravusnightblossom​  Tagging:. @many-tales-told​ @sunlilted​ @andrastehope​ @aylenlavellan​ @dragonagedmage​ @wolf-at-worlds-end​ @wclfdreamt​ @nehraa-asaaranda​ and anyone else! Tag me so I can read! <3 

[thatlittledandere]

hyperfixation ask: ✨💞

You didn't specify but I'm gonna assume you wanna hear about P4 so here goes lmao

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

Uhhghh... I honestly don't know? God that sounds bad, I mean I haven't really... rationalized it yet? Obviously the characters and their relationships are top notch. And the whole idea of a shadow is fascinating, the way P4 goes about it. But unlike with eg Boueibu, I can't name a clear single aspect that draws me to it;;

💕 Tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

For the love of God I can't talk about Yosuke. Is this the time to struggle through the incredibly specific chain of events and emotions that lead to my weird relationship to Adachi in literary form? Yeah I guess it is. Warning for major Persona 4 spoilers.

So first of all you gotta know that 1. I'm a terrible judge of character, 2. I tend to think everyone is good until proven otherwise and desperately believe in the goodness of people, and 3. I have the capacity to forgive too easily and in wrong situations. I know this starts out terribly.

But like... I liked Adachi from the beginning. He seemed kinda pitiful and incompetent, but sympathetic. I can see the pessimism and indifference that was always there in retrospect, but referring back to point 1, I couldn’t the first time around. On surface, he was the softer and friendlier counterpart to Dojima's tough and untrusting attitude. A pleasant guy, fun to be around. Terrible at thinking his words through before speaking though, and constantly​ chastised for it, I felt bad for him. And I couldn't completely drop the feeling after being spoiled way too early on (shame on me for not staying away from fanfics). I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't trust him or think too highly of the guy I knew to be the murderer I was after, but... Referring back to points 2 and 3, the positive first impression was too strong and I couldn't just discard it at the drop of a hat.

But the Investigation Team could. And it baffled me. Big time. The way I understood it (I may be wrong), they had also more or less liked or trusted Adachi. Then they figured out he was behind everything, and all sympathy and attachment was out the window immediately. And I guess it made perfect sense and was even the right thing to do, but idk. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn't able to let go that quickly.

I grinded through Adachi's dungeon and the True Ending right before leaving for the winter break and pondered Adachi on the bus on my way to my parents' place. And primarily... I was sad. I know it's weird, but I was just so very SAD over it all. Not the obvious things; I didn't feel betrayed by Adachi because I already knew, I obviously wasn't displeased that he got apprehended, I can't say I sympathized with his motivations much. But the fact that the IT jumped straight into the "he's an unforgivable killer" mindset from the "he's kinda pathetic but harmless" mindset SO EASILY... So seamlessly, so effortlessly, like they'd never had anything personal to do with him at all? Couldn't be me, good for them.

I already thought that Yosuke has a lot in common with Adachi. Boredom, wish to be Something, feeling of being under- or unappreciated, mistreatment, all of this leading to resentment. Yosuke could, and I believe WOULD, have turned out like Adachi if he hadn't gotten that support network and positive human connections when he did. Then I watched a video essay on Adachi and it dawned on me that huh, it does go both ways. It's a cliche but love and friendship ARE the strongest might in the world. It's something Adachi never really had, and combined with some of his pre-existing ideals and experiences it lead to where it did... So ok, now I felt bad for Adachi again :/ I hope nobody cancels me for murder apologism or something.

And ok. Now we've established I have an emotional investment in Adachi and whatever went down with or surrounding him. An emotion is an emotion, whichever emotion it is, and... That's all it takes for a character to make an impression. So that happened. I can't honestly say I like Adachi as a person and I'm not even sure if I like him as a character. But he is fascinating, and I did go through some strange mental hoops to get where I am today, wherever that is, and the only way I know how to deal with it is to go "hurr durr adachi second favorite".

media hyperfixation ask game

[advernia]

the world in her heart, her heart in his hands

assorted sidenotes for the fic i made in response to an anon-sent aesthetic prompt! oooh boy, i sure took long on this one lmao...... _(:3 」∠)_

prompt #7: steady notes coming from a guitar nearby, fireflies dancing around the clearing, two sleeping bags close together, and a bright full moon briefly covered by a cloud.

so the core idea i had when i saw that prompt got requested was based on jonah’s say i do! route: he says that one day, he wanted to go to the land of reason + see the place alice was born and raised. tbh idk how the prompt even led me to that, but the imagery vibes i got from the prompt hinted of something like freedom. or something like lovers secretly meeting in the woods, which i sort of went by.

OKAY SO I SWEAR I FINISHED WRITING THE PROMPT (day zero!!!) EARLY (by my standards) LMAO.............. like, maybe a week after i got the ask or so? but then when i went about proofreading it i felt that it was... lacking??? i can’t explain it myself, but i didn’t wanna post it yet until i got that feeling cleared out - i tried revising + adding, but it didn’t help so i just started thinking about expanding the fic instead...

thinking about the scenes really took longer than i thought?!?!?! i wanted this request up early but i was stumped on what kind of scenes i wanted to see + how their lengths were gonna be.... plus i was thinking if i should go solely on narration + description........ or maybe more of dialogue...... then i jumped to holy shit what’s my timeline gonna be what cultural whatnot am i gonna emphasize and i think i fussed over those aspects rather than picturing the actual scenes LMAOOO.......................

great disclaimer: i have NEVER stepped into the uk..... or england + london for that matter ahahaha GET REKT tho i want to someday huehuehue....... i heavily relied my research on maps + history websites + train timetables to help me get through the touring parts so do forgive me if i messed up somewhere + butchered history haha..... i was thinking to make things vague, but since i’m always in for emphasizing the differences between cradle + land of reason, i decided to get a little technical with it......

i have to admit that i wrote most of the fic during breaks in work hELLA RAD........... i’m doing my job properly, i swear........ it’s just that when i already have a stable idea of what i want to happen, the scene becomes clearer in my mind. i wanted so! badly! to add scenes of jonah pronouncing words and looking at various things funny!!! jonah and his attempts to communicate with londoners!!! fussy jonah poking around a boutique, him being fascinated + studying displays of gun shops, or him accidentally offending the royal guard + constables LMAOOOOO but i couldn’t seem to write anything satisfactory involving those ideas........... ಥ_ಥ

back to the issue of timeline, i was picturing the london in this fic to be around the 1860s or smth.... but then i remembered that in edgar’s dramatic end letter, he mentions his fascination with electricity aka lightbulbs......... which were, like...... discovered early 1800s but only became common in 1882 ahahaha....... when i realized this i was already writing day 18 oOOPS so i just decided to go on and wing it I’M SORRY _(:3 」∠)_

on timeframe, i know that it’s very highly unlikely that jonah would take a vacation for two months. i bet the mere concept of a one-month vacation is enough to give him a heart attack LMAOOOO but let’s just say that red army told him to take his time in the land of reason, especially when they learn that jonah plans to formally meet alice’s parents. when he hears about this, lancelot tosses in the suggestion of proposing to alice while they’re in the land of reason, so that jonah can tell her parents about that too. jonah thinks it’s a fantastic idea..... so he decides to accept hot damn, a two month vacation!

whole route & lengths of stay (points streaked with red are mentioned within the fic minus nottingham whoops sorry):

london [16 days bc IT’S A BIG CITY LMAO (day 30 - 14). rides a morning train going to bristol on the 14th, arrives there midday.]

bristol [5 days (day 14 - 9). leaves bristol on the morning of the 9th to walk all the way to glastonbury, arrives there come late afternoon / evening.]

glastonbury [4 days (day 9 - 5). leaves midday of the 5th to walk their way to alice’s village, arrives there around sunset.]

alice’s village / ‘actual wonderland’ lmao [5 days (day 5 - 0). located somewhere in between bridgwater, taunton, and glastonbury. month 1 of vacation has ended.]

day log commentary!

thirty. arrival in the land of reason through falling - routes where alice does go back don’t feature her falling down london’s sky, so maybe she’s just... spit out from the hole????? idk haha so i altered it anyway!!!!! the landing scene was initially like this: jonah lands first, he catches alice in his arms, they banter a bit....... and then they suddenly remember the suitcase only for said object to fall right on jonah’s head LMAOOO....... it’s a cradle magical object that looks like a regular suitcase but will always be as light as a feather despite it’s contents + it has GREAT CAPACITY so jonah is actually okay!!!!!! i decided to scrap that scene concept though haha!

twenty-nine. does the hole to the land of reason only open around midnight or smth???? i’m sure it doesn’t, but i went with jonah + alice leaving cradle minutes before twelve o’clock, so when they arrive in london jonah gets to see the big ben signal midnight. is that planned on alice’s part? maybe. on another note, i’m assuming that a high-ranking officer + noble like jonah is definitely used to traveling to other countries so he’s definitely not one for homesickness, but i like the thought of him always feeling all sorts of uncomfortable on his first nights away from home - he doesn’t make a big deal about it bc he gets better three days in or so. idk, it just seems fitting for someone very particular like him.

twenty-seven. if luka’s hair is fucking dyed, my god (no wonder i found those light ends of his hair sorta funny), then here’s jonah excuse to adapt another hair color with the help of magic crystals LMAO - i always stick with a reality ensues standpoint, so his ikeman looks aside, i’m sure londoners would find jonah’s hair color (heck, maybe even his eye color) very unique. alice can’t deal with all that sudden attention lol but she somewhat proud that the man who has effortlessly captured the attention of the people of her world too is the man she proudly calls her lover ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

twenty-three. now that i think of it, what exactly does cradle mean when they say the land of reason? are they simply referring to the city of london, or earth as a whole??? most likely the latter, but i’m pretty sure no one except blanc (and possibly ray bc that globe in his room lol) know exactly how large the land of reason is. anyway, not gonna lie, i wanted jonah + alice talking about novels by maybe the likes of charles dickens, thomas hardy, george eliot or h.g. wells. heck, maybe jane austen and charlotte bronte too!!!! but i had to scrap that bc gaps in understanding cultural & historical references + use of language, figurative and non-figurative.... it’s a shame about the last two though - i’m sure jonah can somehow probably relate to the society depicted in their books since the red territory sounds like your typical breeding place of victorian era nobles lmao!!!!

eighteen. sometimes when people learn / gain a deeper understanding about new things, they have the urge to brag about said knowledge to others - of course jonah wants to show alice what he knows about her world so far haha! calling a train a mechanical beast tho lmao..... he refers to it that way, but i think it’s his target of fascination in london!!! noise and possibly environmental issues aside, it’s very convenient + efficient and can cater to all, but what he finds most impressive that it’s a man-made locomotive!!! that’s something worth incredible praise!!! ( ᐛ )و

fourteen. actual train ride!!! hmmm.... i think jonah only panics maybe a good thirty minutes in when the train starts moving??? alice tries to calm him down by pointing at the passing scenery out the window + idle chatter until jonah finally relaxes himself.... but then he starts to panic slightly again when alice suggests that they look around the train and he’s like: is that even remotely safe??? what about our baggages, can we leave them unattended??? hey, i saw you snicker - how dare you laugh at me!!!

nine. according to google, an estimate of a walk starting from bristol going to glastonbury is 8h 25min. that’s for the present time though - would’ve it been shorter or longer in the past??? idk, but definitely one’s pace during the walk affects the total time, lol. since railroads only started out around 1830s + i made alice a village girl, walking really is her way to go. pedestrianism was still a thing around the 19th century!!! her stamina in other routes tho lol (ﾟ⊿ﾟ)

six. here’s my self-indulgent thing of wanting to add a dance scene, pt. 1 LMAOOOO -   the steps in the scene aren’t really from a certain folk dance in england, much less from glastonbury itself... i did look up on england folk dances, but i couldn’t pick one that i wanted to incorporate into the scene so i went with describing some random steps on the top of my head _(:3 」∠)_ ..... maybe someday, i’ll write a proper one..... on another note though, i suppose jonah can adapt quickly to folk dances, but he may come off a bit stiff at first in line / column dances where there’s the switch of partners??? i mean, there are formal 19th century dances that have that same concept, but.... the finesse + personal boundaries are all there lmao -  he’s not against the casual intimacy + show of obvious joy in folk + common dances though, it’s just more of that he’s not used to the informality of it all, i think.

five. plot twist: alice does lead jonah to her home, the cottage on a hill like she always described, but what he doesn’t expect is when she solemnly says that she’d introduce him to her parents she leads him to the back of the hill and in the foot of the hill he finds himself staring at her parents’ gravestones as she’s smiling sadly with a bouquet of flowers in her hand OH WAIT WRONG GENRE WASN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFF LMAO - kidding aside, i do hope cybird catches onto the idea of a story event of chosen suitor going to the land of reason with alice to meet her parents or smth!!! they did do a travel event in the jp ver, after all.... but i’m not keeping my hopes up haha....... _(:3 」∠)_

zero. self-indulgent thing of wanting to add a dance scene, pt. 2 - tho it’s in the latter part along with the prompt lmao!!! hmmm, i’m pretty satisfied with how this one turned out tho i had a little problem arranging the first half - the rest i relatively left untouched even after i added the rest of the days to the fic. hopefully, does well as a nice end to the fic itself..... tbh, the thought of summer dress alice + casual shirt & pants jonah both barefoot & running around like children in moonlit woods (don’t do this in real life folks) made me smile a lot. give me more soft-and-not-so-tooth-rotting-fluff scenes, cybird

also!!! since the prompt involved a guitar, i had a certain track on repeat lmao - you can listen to it here, and it’s the second to the last track titled umibe ni yurete (swaying in the beach)! (ノ^∇^)

and that’s all that i’ve got today!!! thank you very much for reading + hope you’re staying safe & well wherever you are!!!!（｡≧◇≦）ﾉ

[sophygurl]

Hi! I was just browsing through my activity and noticed that after I responded to your ask about ships a while back, you reblogged and shared your thoughts about Spuffy. I'm so glad you were able to read my opinions and understand them, even if you didn't agree with them. I just wanted to stop by and ask what your thoughts and feelings are on Spuffy? I'd love to hear your perspective :)

Oh wooooow, you have no idea how happy you just made me! I feel like I talk about spuffy quite a lot but without ever really saying much of anything because inside of me it’s just a lot of (!!!!!>?>>?!!?!>fjhghhf?!?!?!?!!?) YKWM? Like feels central exploding all over the place and it’s really difficult for me to put into coherent words. 

But I’ve also been wanting and meaning to write some serious spuffy meta and kinda dissect what it all means to me personally, as a survivor, for some time now. And like. Especially with all of this purity culture stuff coming to a head, it feels like a good time to take the time to try and do it because, yea, shit not only doesn’t have to be pure to be helpful - but sometimes the darker stuff IS the Most helpful. 

And I really did appreciate your perspective about the relationship because you talked about the ways in which it did and didn’t work for you without ever shaming anyone for the way it does work for them? And I wish we could all do that more. 

So thank you so much for sending me this ask, and asking for my perspective because sometimes all it takes for me to finally settle down and write something I wanna write anyways is to be asked by someone else to do it! 

This is absolutely gonna get long so have a read more cut.

For context, let me start by saying that I didn’t watch Buffy when it first aired - it was, mmm, I wanna say about 10-11 years ago when I decided to try it out. And while I was watching it, I was also in the midst of doing some heavy duty therapy work on my PTSD stemming from childhood sexual abuse and then some further traumas in my young adulthood that happened because of poor processing of said abuse. I’m not gonna get into details about my personal traumas except for some specific ways in which they relate to the lens in which I watched and processed the relationship between Buffy and Spike. BUT, due to that lens, there very well may be triggery content in this post. 

My experience watching Buffy, in general, started out with me being really unsure what the draw was in season 1 and then slowly getting more involved in the characters and relationships and mythos as the series developed into a more mature and nuanced show. I was really hooked by season five, and season six is my favorite, with seven a close second. 

I liked Buffy, the character, okay in the beginning but it wasn’t until she started really going through and processing her traumas that I started to personally connect to her. So season six was like, my jam. She was raw and stripped down to the nerve, and cycling between like outright rage to pure numbness and just lashing out trying desperately to feel and to make sense of her experiences and I was like - yea, Buffy, same, Same. And then in season seven she starts really contextualizing her trauma and using the pain of it to give herself more power and then sharing that power with others and it was just … fuck, I can’t even begin to tell you what that meant to me. In that last episode, I felt her handing me back my OWN power - like I FELT it - it really … anyway. We’ll get there.

And then there was Spike, who I loved right away. I love me some snarky villains. I love me the bad boy who has hidden depths inside of him. I love the villain who doesn’t … really fit the mold of the other villains in-verse. I love the villain who doesn’t mind working with the heroes if it fits his agenda. Basically, Spike was fictional catnip for me right out of the gate.

I adored Spike and Drusilla together for a lot of reasons, but for Spike to develop beyond just Big Bad, he had to fall out of her orbit, so I was okay with that ending.

On the other hand, I was never into Buffy and Angel. Watching the series as an adult, it just felt creepy to me how this old vampire basically stalked a very innocent-seeming to me teen Buffy. Their romance reminded me of girls I knew who fell for older guys when I was in high school where the older guy seemed sort of dangerous and mysterious and I get the draw from Her perspective - but not necessarily his? I don’t know, I just personally never really bought them being truly in love - they were sort of practice relationships for one another? Her as a young teenager, and him as someone just starting to re-learn humanity. I never Disliked them together… I just never shipped it. The idea of them being one another’s One True Love’s was just sorta meh to me. 

So when Spike started having his crush on Buffy? I was so ready for that. Because it was so silly at first, right? It was not serious. It was creepy and weird and wrong. But in a way that appealed to me. 

How do I explain? I guess, it had to do with all of the reasons that Spike was Not Like All The Other Villains/Vampires. Angel was always different but ONLY because he was cursed with a soul. It was a thing done TO him and when he reverted back to Angelus he was literally a whole different person and did not have any desire to turn back into Angel. When he was Angel, he was all brooding and guilt-ridden and terrified of his other self. 

But Spike was always different just because he was different. This didn’t mean he had a soul or a capacity for love or the ability to be a Good Guy. It just meant he worked a little differently than the other vampires. I truly think he loved and was devoted to Dru. I don’t think she was capable of returning that love in the same way. 

So, anyway, Spike is back and he’s split with Dru because Dru could just … tell … something was off and Spike was wanting to deny that but then suddenly - crush! Not love, not attraction, not lust, not desire - a freaking schoolboy crush.

But of course it was creepy because hello - soulless vampire who has never had a healthy relationship of any kind in his LIFE. But he starts doing these odd things, like wanting to comfort Buffy when he sees that she’s upset and being willing to take care of Dawn when no one else was available and HE doesn’t get it either, but somehow he’s becoming a slightly more decent person because of this weirdass crush? 

IDK, that’s appealing.

And let me clarify. It’s not appealing to me because I see myself in the Good Girl who can make a Bad Boy into a better person. That is never what’s appealed to be about these types of relationships. 

In large part because of my abuse, I see different layers of myself in each character. 

I went through a large portion of my life pretending very hard to be a Good Girl and then when I finally came out of denial about the abuse realized that was because inside I felt like a very Bad Girl and then as I pursued more recovery realized it’s all a lot more complex than that but really I’ve been more of a Decent Person who felt like a Bad Person trying really hard to be a Good Person. I hope that makes sense.

But the point is. I see myself in both the Good and the Bad characters in these sorts of push-pull love-hate dynamic relationships.

And what I love about spuffy, specifically, is that they’re both … both. Eventually. I’m getting ahead of myself. But yes, Spike suddenly wanting to be decent here and there because of his weird developing feelings for Buffy appealed to me - and especially to part of me that feels Bad. I’m Spike in this scenario, not Buffy. 

But I’m also Buffy, being really grossed by this Bad Person’s interest in me. When Buffy throws her money at Spike and says he’s not good enough for her - that’s me hating myself and saying I’m not good enough. But it’s also, strangely, me taking a stand and saying I’m worth better than the ways in which I was treated.

Gods, this whole abuse recovery dichotomy can be so confusing to explain because like. I never abused anyone. But the ugliness I feel inside of myself has to do with what happened to me, and also with what I know people in my family have done to others. So there’s this idea of Badness there. And the idea of there being forgiveness and redemption for that Badness is very very appealing.

And at the same time? There’s this beauty inside of myself that I always thought I was faking but that it turns out - is fucking real and precious and important. And standing up for that broken beautiful part of myself and saying no to being used and abused again is so powerful.

So in that scene? I’m the ugliness in Spike being hated by Buffy but I’m ALSO the powerful beauty in Buffy standing up for herself.

You can maybe see how this all gets even more tangled up the further we go, yea?

So Spike gets chipped and becomes a part of the team - all the while simultaneously reminding them that he’s still a Bad Guy AND slowly becoming a slightly better person because of his interactions with them and his feelings for Buffy. He’s not even close to redeemed, okay, he’s still a villain. He’s just a more and more intriguing villain, an anti-villain, even, eventually.

And then season six. And Buffy comes back. And she’s broken and raw and needing something that her friends cannot give her. She is needing to connect to the darkness inside of herself, and who is waiting there for her? 

And so yea, okay, hatesex is very appealing to me just inandofitself. It’s like double the passion and it’s animalistic and there’s something so sexy and gratifying about two people just using one another with equal force, yk? 

And Spike and Buffy are physically matched perfectly. She can take all her anger and pain and rage out on him without permanently damaging him. And she’s NEVER been able to let loose like that before. Her first time with Angel was a more tender and sweet moment and then - welp - turns out they can’t do the do. And otherwise she’s been with humans who she’s had to hold back with. There was zero holding back with Spike. 

So from Buffy’s perspective, there’s this amazing relief and release and yea, even, empowerment in being able to just freely let herself go in this way. 

From Spike’s point of view, it was about more. And here is where I feel for him because, at this point he’s still not really capable of love in the way we talk about it as being something from a soul. He’s chipped but not soul’d. He has strong feelings for Buffy that no vampire (besides cursed-soul Angel) should be able to have. But it’s not … quite … love. It’s passion and it’s care and it’s wanting and it’s even becoming something like friendship. But it’s not love, much as he thinks it is.

But he does Think it is. And he’s thinking it’s the same for her, but she just can’t admit it, yet. The hatesex to him … is just  … sex. And he fully believes he’s winning her over. And so her constant rejection of him as a fully human person with a soul and feelings guts him - even as he’s still trying to convince himself that he does love her and she does somehow secretly love him back. 

The fact that she keeps using him physically, and also keeps coming to him for emotional support, supports this belief and keeps him from understanding the reality of the situation.

Now, I think I mentioned than when I was watching this for the first time I was in heavy duty therapy mode yea? Well, there was another even heavier duty therapy mode a good tenish years prior when I had first admitted to the abuse I experienced and got really good and fucked up and made some bad personal decisions and here is where some of that comes to play because I saw myself in this scenario - again from both sides.

I am Buffy learning to enjoy the pleasures of my body and sexuality for the first time but also making really bad decisions about who to share that with because I am still so new to processing my trauma.

I am also Spike - longing for something more and better and being told (by myself) that I was not good enough, that I was bad, that I was not a full human person who deserved good things or good relationships.

(There, there, pastme - it does get better)

Back to first-time-Buffy-watching me. And I am enjoying the HECK out of the spuffy sex and I am feeling for poor pining Spike and feeling for Buffy who is hating herself for what she’s doing and also shipping them like WHOA because there is so much about their dynamic that is just sexy and fun and FEELS everywhere. 

But I knew Seeing Red was coming, because I did have a few things spoiled for me just by existing in the world for years without having watched the show yet myself. I really didn’t wanna watch it, or the rest of season six. So I got into a spiral of just watching the earlier parts of the season over and over - specifically the musical and through the 3 episodes of heavy spuffy sex. I did a LOT of processing during this time and then eventually girded myself to watch what I knew was coming. 

And Seeing Red is awful. Traumatic. Triggering. Terrible. But also, like, gods, did it make sense for where these two characters were at this point in time? I didn’t feel like it was contrived or somehow put in just for the heck of it. It made sense in the narrative. Spike legitimately just did not get it. He did not realize he was attempting rape until … finally … he did. 

And the horror of that, the horror of realizing that he almost did that to the ONE person in the world that he has ever cared that much about? Broke him. Sent him off on a magical quest to get his fucking soul back.

No one did that. Even Angel was Cursed with his soul, right? No vampire ever wanted to get their soul back - even had enough non-ensouled feelings to have the ability to want such a thing. Not to mention going through the trials of actually getting it back.

Season seven Spike is such a different beast. He’s messed up from the soul-thing, but I honestly believe Most of his messed-up-ness came from what The First was doing to/through him. Because … gods, okay.

When Spike goes through the flashbacks and recognizes what his trigger is? (Like the show legit uses PTSD terminology here - it was a Trigger) He processes his Own old traumas and he is able to tell Robin basically - fuck it, I know who I am. I know I did terrible things without my soul, but I can’t and won’t beat myself up for that (for example the way Angel does) because it wasn’t entirely my fault and all I can control now is who I am now and what I do now.

Now THAT spoke to me as a trauma survivor. Stop hanging on to all of this so-called badness inside, forgive yourself, and move on. WOW. Fucking powerful. 

And what he DOES choose to do is to be there for Buffy in any way she will allow him to.

Ensouled Spike is no longer creeping around her or making weird assumptions about her or trying to Get something From her. Ensouled Spike defends her when others attack. Ensouled Spike holds her all night when she needs it and gives her pep talks and asks what he can do to help and accepts when he can’t help and just stands there quietly willing to do battle With her. 

I just … phew… that makes me emotional. 

Because, again, I look back at some of those dysfunctional relationships I got into in my early 20′s and like. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that. 

And my attraction to the Fictional Bad Boy with a Hidden Heart of Gold was never about expecting any of them to. I was with them, unconsciously or even some cases consciously, on purpose to punish myself or to work out past traumas with or just to Feel Something. I never expected or even necessarily wanted deep love from them.

So, here’s the thing. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that for me. Nor I them. 

So Spike slowly gaining his redemption through his willingness to become a better person because of his love of Buffy? Fucking spoke to me.

And Buffy slowly accepting the darker parts of herself through her willingness to let Spike into her orbit because of her feelings for him? Fucking yes. 

And when she hands him the - shit it’s been a long time - that medallion meant for a champion? And he doesn’t think he’s worthy, but she says she knows he is. Fuck!!! That is ME accepting ME, okay? All of myself, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the messed up and the slowly healing. All of it. 

And when he sacrifices himself in the end??? When that’s how she’s finally able to defeat The First? All that power sharing with all of the other women was *chefkiss* but it also took Spike. Spike who stormed on the scene in season two with snark and a twisted sense of love and no desire to ever be a hero? That Spike!? Sacrificing himself and STILL NOT BELIEVING BUFFY LOVES HIM. 

Because by then, let’s be clear, she did. Maybe not the same way he loved her, but she did love him. And he doesn’t believe it, can’t believe himself worthy of that love. But he sacrifices himself ANYway?

THAT Spike? Is no longer asking anything in return. He gives all of himself and won’t even accept her statement of love in return. “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it anyway.” Just AUGJH?!? You know??? 

That was me … redeeming me … for me…. 

So anyway. 

I just want to add that AS I WAS WRITING THIS OUT, I got another ask in my inbox stating “People who like problematic or villainous characters are apologist for shitty people and should rethink their life because they’re shitty people.”

And this is the exact WRONG time to come for me like this because I just poured out my entire traumatized abuse surviving soul into the internet to explain why watching a problematic villain evolve and learn to do better helped ME to contextualize and process my fucking trauma. So fuck you. People who write anonymous hate without knowing the full story are being shitty and should rethink their actions because they’re shitting on actual REAL LIFE COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE. 

The end. 

[ofphcenixes]

( ooc note about why i am the absolute worst ! )

this is such a random note i know, and admittedly i’ve spent the entire day composing this. so if it’s a little disjointed or illogical, i want to apologise in advance ! however i have included this nice gif of luke - it doesn’t have anything to do with the post, just thought it would make it more appealing dkjfgdf. admittedly this is going to be a bit of a Long Boi™, but it is kinda.... relevant if you’ve ever tried to write/plot with me, or are wondering what’s going on with nate. behold, all your answers are below ! i’ll put a tldr at the bottom plus a nifty little vine compilation for anyone that reads this but, please don’t feel pressured to do so ! ya girl is just a Mess dkfjgd. 

the first thing i want to address is the elephant in the room; nathaniel ballantyne. i know a lot of people are curious about his fate, his place in the plot drop, why he vanished so much earlier than everyone else. is he actually guilty ? is he a martyr ? is he a red herring ? well, here’s the tea on mr nathaniel ballantyne: 

he is on indefinite hiatus. 

a lot of people probably wonder why. i will get into the specifics of the why in a little bit (when i said this was a Long Boi i was not kidding lmfao), but basically... he’s a very difficult character to write. i am not a veteran rper, and in all honesty, i can count on my hands the amount of rps i’ve been in. and there are only 5 characters i’ve ever written about and cared enough to remember. one of those is nate. for those of you that know him, he is a strange and eccentric character. entirely up his own ass at times, pretentious as hell. but he, to me, was a character i grew attached to. he was different from people i normally write, and despite how abstract he was, he was.... realistic to me. my deep rooted attachment to him is why it took me so long to see how hard it was for me to write replies with him, to understand the guilt i felt any time i plotted or wrote with him, and the fact he was so mentally taxing it would take five times as much time to write a reply for him than it would any other character. but the sad truth is, even though i only felt guilt related to him, even though i haven’t had muse for him honestly for months now, i kept him. because i love him, even if he isn’t loved by many others. and so part of the reason he is now where he is is the simple fact that i know he didn’t mesh with the group, and that’s okay ! he was a very difficult character to reply to, and now that he is gone, i feel that burden of guilt lifting already.

as for his plot related departure, the truth is i didn’t have the heart to kill him off, hence why he kinda is just out there in a weird in between space dkjfgdf. and ( as i’ll explain below ) if my life ever does even out at any point, i really want to bring him back should there be space for him. so this indefinite hiatus was made for many reasons, and it absolutely broke my heart to have to get to this point. i love nate, and i am going to miss him. and i hope that in due time, i will have the capacity to bring him back soon ! but in case i don’t, i just want everyone to know that i appreciate every second i spent writing with you all on nate, and that the time and effort people poured into him means the world to me. and i’m so, so sorry to the people who are disappointed in me for this, because i know there are probably a few. i have let so many of you down, and honestly this is a burden i am going to carry for a very long time. i am going to message people tomorrow when i am more Coherent so, i promise to do my best to atone for this kgdf.

but to segue into that a little more ( oh look, another elephant in the room ! what is this, dumbo 2: electric boogaloo ), as an admin, i know there are expectations we are supposed to meet. examples we should set. precedents we have to lay down. 

and i know i have disappointed every single one of you in this rp. 

from my slow ( to non-existent ) dash activity, for the anxiety that has left me unable to reply to dms or reply in the main group chat, to even the fear of godmodding in ask memes on a thursday. i know this seems perfectly illogical to most, and again, i completely understand the disappointment that so many of you feel towards me. and it’s that very disappointment which djkgdf ironically has made it harder for me to get on and be the admin that you all deserve. 

the real difficult thing about all of this is, i love veritas. and for those of you who were in veritas 1, would know that this is not who i usually am. this experience is not representative of the person i want to be, nor the rper that i usually present myself as. but as to avoid going into too triggering content and bothering you all with tmi details about my life problems lmfao, please rest assured that these past few months have been. absolutely brutal for me. from almost losing my opa to illness, from ongoing family issues and expectations, being kicked out of home among a list of other shit, my mental health has been as low as gfkdgdf it has ever been in my life tbh, and it’s been the hardest thing in the world to get on. all my attentions with veritas has been in the main, as the main is a very taxing job ( as you know, we are very plot centric ! ) and i would more often than not get so worn out with being an admin, my characters fell by the wayside. not to mention, as sort of dkfgjdf touched on before, i have massive anxiety when it comes to messaging people. why ? i don’t know. especially as i have wanted to plot with all of you extensively and deeply since we opened, and reading every single app made my heart beat a little faster with joy. i am so honoured to be an admin here, and each and every one of you are such an incredible writer and person that i can’t help but feel overwhelmed and guitlty about how much i have let you all down. especially for those who sent me dms that i either forgot about or never replied to because i got so anxious, i feel so guilty every day about it all and i just wish i could go back in time and change it. 

and the reality is, if i wasn’t an admin and co-creator of this group, i probably would have dropped out a long time ago, give the space to someone worthy, and i wouldn’t be filled with so much guilt. but the truth is, i am a selfish person dgdgdf. veritas has been that sort of dkfgjdf good, steady thing in my life that i looked forward to, and i couldn’t bear the thought of losing that. each and every one of you create the fabric that is this amazing atmosphere, and even though i’m less seen and heard compared to most others in this group, being part of veritas gives me a sense of belonging. and in a strange sense, a home. yes, i know i was selfish, and yes, i should have handled things much better than i did. but you all need to know from the bottom of my heart how sorry i am for everything that has transpired. ):

but i think the worst part of it all is that, my beautiful co-admin maaria, and my best friend. among letting you all down, i know i have let her down the most. and i just want to take my soapbox moment for a second here and really put light into how much maaria has done for this group. especially when my own life has been in shambles, and knowing she’s going through her own problems, she always provides for you all. she is always here, always online, always around to make you laugh or smile. she provides for all of us, and is honestly a miracle worker. i don’t think i will ever deserve her forgiveness for everything, but i hope she knows how loved she is, and i hope you all show her your sentiments too ! she is the heart of veritas, and fdjg she means the world to me, and i just really want her to know that.

but that was. a lot of emotions and obviously i haven’t talked about everything in my life ( i do not want to bore you and honestly i don’t wanna make y’all sad dkfjghdkfjgdfgdf ) none of this really means anything if things aren’t going to change. so get ready for some Bullet Point Action because here is my proposal: 

nEw SkElEtOn: although nate is on hiatus and sorta just gonna, float out there in the void of time, and even though i really want to bring him back soon i don’t know if/when i will, i have felt immense guilt for hoarding his spot in this rp for someone who could be more active. hence, a solution: a new skeleton ! as i am not comfortable with nate’s skeleton being open, we have created a new skeleton with connections to all nate’s old connections, which should hit the main very soon ! 

new discord: this is probably unnecessary but dfkgjdfg i have a lot of anxiety about discord. when i get a new message i’m always like ??? AAH A GHOST. idk why. and because of that, i skip a message once, and now there are so many unanswered messages i have a heart attack every time i open my app. so, to prevent that, i am going to make a new discord account ! ( lilacrps #i forgot the number lmao ). i will be adding everyone as Friends and if you’ve ever sent me something i never responded to, or for some odd reason you wanna talk to me, a human mess, please know now that with a fresh slate i will ensure i can reply to you. i am not gonna let my anxiety win this time. 

schedule: part of my issue is that i dfkjgdf always felt pressure to do everything all the time and then when i couldn’t, i fell under pressure. so dkfgjdf i am now having designated plotting and reply days ! so even though i hope to be far more active in both regards, i just need people to understand things won’t be instant, but i am holding myself accountable not only for myself, but for the rp - as that is what an admin should do.

this got super long and i highly doubt anyone is actually gonna read this lmao BUT. the main point is - i love every single one of you all so much, and i can’t apologise enough for how much i have let you all down. i know we all feel it, and i’m more than happy to accept my flaws and how blatant they��ve been in the past few months. so this is my pledge to every single one of you that i promise to do better (and if i don’t, you can kick me out dkjfgdf). 

TLDR: I have been a terrible admin and friend, and I’m here to say sorry. With a new discord and personal plotting schedule, things are going to change. 

If I can’t cure my depression, maybe I can cure yours.

[flowersofjannah]

Salam and Ramadan Mubarak I hope you’re having a blessed month. Idk where to start but I’ve just been very frustrated lately. I’m currently healing from a heartbreak even tho it’s been almost 2 years. The way I think of Allah now it’s so sad. Lately I’ve been feeling like he doesn’t like me and he doesn’t want to help me. I know it’s wrong to think that but if you were in my spot you would too. I just feel like giving up because nothing is changing, nothing is getting better

Part 2: when everything happened my duas & prayers were perfect but I’ve just been realizing that Allah is blessing the guy who broke my heart more than me. But I’m the one praying and reading Quran &!making dua & crying myself to sleep but he’s over there going to clubs not fasting or praying but he’s still happier than me. I just feel like god hates me & Idk what I’m doing wrong. I’m doing everything I can to please him. After realizing that I feel like my prayers & duas are forced

Part3: sorry if Im not explaining this correctly, I cant seem to put the right words together but my heart is so heavy. What do I do. Allah is the only one I talk to about this & cry to about this no one even knows I’m going through these things but I feel like he left me too. I’m not doing anything wrong but I just feel like he hates me. 2 years of crying 2 years of no happiness if he loves me more than my mom does why does he keep me in this pain. Ya Allah forgive me for these harsh words. Thx

Assalamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh and Ramadan Mubarak to you too. 

My dear brother/sister, your understanding of the way Allah deals with people whom He loves is mistaken. Hardships are a sign of Allah’s love, not His displeasure. This is proven by the hadith:

It was narrated from Mus’ab bin Sa’d that his father, Sa’d bin Abu Waqqas, said:

“I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, which people are most severely tested?’ 

He (ﷺ) said: ‘The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A person is tested according to his religious commitment. If he is steadfast in his religious commitment, he will be tested more severely, and if he is frail in his religious commitment, his test will be according to his commitment. Trials will continue to afflict a person until they leave him walking on the earth with no sin on him.’”

[Sunan Ibn Majah]

Allah tests those whom He loves most. If someone’s life seems easier than yours, that in no sense means that Allah loves that person more than you. The greatest of hardships fell upon our beloved prophets and sahabas, may Allah be pleased with them, yet they are the most beloved to Allah.

Man was created hasty - be patient with your duas and with the ease coming to your life. Allah promised ease after hardship. Keep up your duas, 

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said: 

“One of you will be responded to, so long as he is not hasty, saying: ‘I supplicated, and I was not responded to.’”

[Jami` at-Tirmidhi]

I can understand what you’re going through, I felt similarly when my OCD/Waswas Kahri was at it’s peak. And I would tell people the hadith that Anas bin Malik narrated of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ saying:

“There shall come upon the people a time in which the one who is patient upon his religion will be like the one holding onto a burning ember.”

[Jami` at-Tirmidhi]

is exactly how I feel due to how hard it was to hold on to hope, clarity, prayers and other commandments of Islam while struggling with OCD/Waswas Kahri. And I would think to myself, ya rabb how is it will I overcome this? I know I will with your help for you always bring your believing slaves out of difficulty, but how? 

Today, I still have OCD but it is so so so much better than what I was going through at that time, it’s unbelievable! And do you know how much time it took for me to recover to this extent? 4 years my brother/sister, 4 years I remained patient, hopeful, and did not let go of a single salah and Allah kept His promise. I’m still struggling with it but on a much lower scale and I know that Allah will cure of this too. Alhumdulilah. In such times, Allah is testing our faith and patience. Will you let go of your faith and lose your trust in Allah or will you continue with patience and prayer? That is the test and Allah will test you with this test for a time period only known to Him but you have to prove your faith to God. Yes God, I believe in you and keep my hopes and trust in you, I know you will get me out of this, until then I will continue to please you and stay patient. That is the mindset we need to keep, and you can most definitely come out victorious because Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear. 

“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make known those who are true, and will certainly make known those who are liars.” 

— Surah Al-Ankabut, 2-3

“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,“When is the help of Allah ?” Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.”

— Surah Al-Baqarah, 214

“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.”

— Surah Al-Baqarah, 286

“And whoever is conscious of Allah - He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.”

— Surah At-Talaq, 2-3

Abu Sa'id and Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 

“Never a believer is stricken with a discomfort, an illness, an anxiety, a grief or mental worry or even the pricking of a thorn but Allah will expiate his sins on account of his patience”

[Bukhari & Muslim]

Not only is Allah testing your patience, but He is purifying you through it. And what greater show of Allah’s love is that? That He is getting rid of your sins and misdeeds through your hardships, so you can be raised in your ranks in the Hereafter and attain more blessings in this world and the next. Subhanallah.

So you see, there is a whole world of the unseen we don’t know much about, but we must always believe whatever Allah does is good for us, and most of the good is in the unseen for us. Always think good of Allah subhana wa ta’ala - He knows what we don’t know and He is wise in His decisions and He gives us the good we need which may not always be the good we want. Keep faith, you will get through this in sha Allah! 

Hope I was of help to you in sha Allah, take care and make the most of this Ramadan in sha Allah! Ponder on His ayat, His names, and His attributes, get to know Him better and then you will truly be in awe of Him 🌸

[toushindai]

p cool how Hades calls his dog by name but calls his son "boy," occasionally even in the same sentence

And by cool I mean yikes

[it's free real estate voice] ~~It's bad parenting~~

...and then I ramble for 1300 words: No I’m proud of this it’s not rambling. It is 1300 words long though.

Eventually, I assume, at some emotional moment he will call Zagreus by name, and I wonder what can be done narratively to earn that moment. It can't come cheaply. As it stands currently, it's most often Hades who starts the conversations between the two of them, and not kindly. You can't yell at your kid for being cheeky if you snark at him first, dude! He is just an unforgivably bad parent as it currently stands, and inflexibly so. I get the impression that he has absolutely no idea how to get his son under control. Not a single, solitary clue. He's tried delegating, I suppose—to Nyx and Achilles and Megaera in various capacities—but none of them managed to bring Zag into line with what Hades wants. In at least Achilles' and Nyx’s cases* they likely applied the one strategy that Hades never has, that of listening to Zag and treating him like his own person; but of course this results in Zagreus making his own decisions and his own mistakes, which I don’t believe Hades appreciates—or appreciates the importance of.

(*In my own headcanon, if not necessarily explicitly in canon, Megaera was/is better at this than Hades, but not to Achilles’ and Nyx’s level, and not, crucially, to a level that Zag could tolerate perpetually.)

Hades doesn’t know what to do in order to get himself a compliant son, and so the strategy he keeps defaulting to is berating and belittling him incessantly. Despite the clear lack of success of this strategy! All it’s doing is teaching Zagreus that he’ll never have his father’s respect, no matter what he does; that in order to be any kind of equal, he has to give as good as he gets. Zagreus has learned that he shouldn’t take anything Hades says to heart because it is cruel under any circumstances. I mean the guy can’t even properly thank Zagreus for inspiring Orpheus to sing again. He’s super bad at this!

(Honestly, between Hades’ inability to get his son under control, his difficulty in convincing Orpheus to sing again, his inability to stop Nyx and Achilles from aiding Zag... maybe he’s just not great at getting people to do what he wants? And how does that reflect on a god; and does it in some concrete way weaken his influence in his domain? Would that induce a sense of urgency on the subject of getting Zagreus under control? Regardless—)

So, is this status quo going to remain intact until and beyond the end of the game, or is something going to change? Is there going to be some kind of reconciliation between father and son, is Hades going to stop being such a dick? I mean... to me, it feels like yes, even though I don’t see at this time how it can happen and I am actively wary of it coming cheaply. I think the reason I feel this way is that it seems very clear that Hades just... isn’t expressing himself well, or honestly. His anger is bluster and the scorn he heaps on Zagreus is frustration at his own impotence. I’m not excusing it! That doesn’t at all make it excusable, but I feel like it leaves open the possibility that if Hades can change that about himself, then he and Zagreus could communicate honestly moving forward. And that does lead into one worry I have—that some part of Zag is so desirous of his father’s approval that, given the opportunity, he will forgive Hades’ mistreatment more easily than a player/observer will. (cf. the two seconds in which he does, I think, sincerely fall for Hades’ “I thought you’d finally made it out.”) It seems that Zagreus is—by nature, and in spite of Hades’ abuse—generous and open with his emotions, he is someone who inherently and intensely wants to be in a state of getting along with people. And that could present a real narrative challenge, in that Zag might accept a revised status quo in which Hades treats him with some level of grudging respect more easily than the narrative, as it currently stands, demands of Hades.

There is of course the possibility that such a reconciliation won’t be on the table at all, won’t be presented as an option. I mean, as far as Zag’s planning at this point, he’s going to make it to the surface and leave Hades (place and person) behind entirely and that’s gonna be the end of that! I am acknowledging this possibility with these words but please let me make it excruciatingly clear that I do not believe it for one single second. I extremely, extremely do not think that Zag gets to stay on the surface the first time he makes it to the surface, I mean at this point with the roadmap public and calling for a fourth biome after Elysium that’s almost obvious but I’ve been thinking this from the beginning. I think he reaches the surface but something unexpected and intensely disillusioning happens and he winds up back at home. If it then comes out that part of Hades hoped that Zagreus's bullheaded persistence would bring him a success that Hades had given up imagining—if they're able to have some kind of honest conversation in which Zag feels hopeless while Hades admits begrudgingly to hope of his own—then I think things between them might begin to be repaired. (Then Zag recovers and sets out again, to Hades' baffled exasperation, but with a broader, less self-serving sense of purpose, or something? idk, I'm trying not to commit to only one theory of what might happen but this is the primary thing I've been picturing...)

But like I said, I'm having trouble imagining a story that concludes with a decision towards intentional, permanent estrangement, and not because I think there's anything wrong with that kind of story. Is it because that would sort of be the result of the path Zagreus is currently on, which has been characterized so far as careless, poorly thought through, incomplete**? I think that's it. It's not that I feel the narrative is aiming at "Zag just needs to ~give Hades a chance~"—not at all, on the contrary I think it shows that he has tried to give Hades those chances, primarily through trying to give him ambrosia and to a lesser extent when he tries to convey Zeus's offer of forgiveness. (Regardless of whether that offer from Zeus's end is appropriate, Zagreus put himself in the middle and gave Hades the chance to respond with decency, in spite of, uh, every piece of evidence we've seen so far suggesting that it would not go well.) If there is going to be transformation in this relationship, it absolutely has to start with Hades not being a dick to him anymore. And maybe that's not something Zagreus is actively looking for or working towards at this moment, and with ample reason. But, because it's so clear that Zagreus's sense of purpose is so underthought and naive, and because he does fall into what is currently a trap*** of trying to be open with Hades on occasion, I don't think "Zag gets away forever" is where this is going. And for that to happen, for that to be satisfying, Hades has got to stop being awful to him. That he is portrayed as otherwise fair means that this path is open, I think. But it's got to start with him backing the fuck off and admitting what he's been doing wrong for as long as Zag has been alive.

(**I very very very much want to look in detail at the way this impression is constructed because it's so crucial to what's happening and yet so external to the POV character. I just really love the way Supergiant tells stories indirectly, ok, I just—it's just amazing, I want to eat this ability and absorb it for myself.)

(***The sense of dread I feel when initiating both of those conversations is... quite exquisite? I don't want to tell Zagreus to bare his throat to the wolf, I don't want to navigate him into a position where his guard is down and his father just tears into him again, but... it's so important that that is something that Zag does, and it makes my heart ache for him.)

[theharellan]

dragon age positivity meme | accepting

i’m going to be answering these in one post for the sake of simplicity and cutting down ooc posts!

✾ your favourite da:o main quest | sent by @cuervocanto

my actual favourite quest is paragon of her kind, but i talked about why i love that one here. and yes, i don’t even rly mind the deep roads.

my second favourite is probably the landsmeet, especially taking into account that it has some sub-main quests that are grouped together under the umbrella of preparing for the landsmeet. such as resucing anora, breaking out of fort drakon, and solving the unrest in the alienage. i find returning to the alienage as tabris second to aeducan returning to orzammar, but it’s still very interesting coming back to a place where you grew up with no power, suddenly having power. and regardless of origin the worldbuilding is good, immediately the fact that you’re barred from the alienage upon initially entering denerim tells you a lot about the state of elves in ferelden. the choice at the end isn’t particularly difficult, “slavery is bad” isn’t a controversial opinion even in ferelden and so even the warden i created with the intention of being That Kind of Human couldn’t choose that option, BUT it does make for an emotional choice when playing tabris

as for rescuing anora and breaking out of drakon, i just love the humour in the quest. i never have my warden break out themselves just so i can have the companions bullshit their way in. my personal favourite combination is zevran and oghren, although i do enjoy morrigan-leliana and sten-dog, as well. i think my fave thing about oghren and zev tho is that iirc they’re one of the most successful combinations.

as for the landsmeet itself, it’s not particularly challenging, but i enjoy the variety of options you get and how it changes the game going forward. like, in every game anora is queen for me in some capacity, but beyond that i’ve had a bitter king alistair working with a warden who recruited loghain, loghain and the warden alone, etc. i enjoy the politicking and making an alliance with anora. it’s enjoyable even on replays.

❄ your favourite da:i personal quest | sent by @pentaghasted

my actual favourite personal quest is cole’s, which i talked about here. instead i’ll talk about iron bull’s b/c i’m glad they committed to what they started in trespasser and i also appreciate how the choice is set up. most of us save the chargers b/c the lot of them stole our hearts in the two scenes they were in, but unlike some other choices in the series choosing the sadder/arguably worse option doesn’t require you to be roleplaying as an evil bastard to choose it.

so like, most games i save the chargers, but my playthrough where i’m playing a practical trevelyan-- she goes with the qunari dreadnought. the chargers were assets, but a qunari alliance could have been more beneficial in the long term. heck, even my inquisitor who saves the chargers feels a lot of guilt about it-- because even if she didn’t know the people on the dreadnought, there were a whole lot of them, and her decision got them killed. she needed to show she cared for her own people first, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.

which contrasts this personal quest for something like... say, fenris’s third one, which don’t get me wrong, is very emotional. but i cannot fathom why a hawke how kept fenris around for all that time and clearly spent time talking to him would just say “yeah you can take him” its just kinda over-the-top cruel. so i am glad when i can roleplay the alternate decisions i ordinarily wouldn’t make.

and i love seeing the quest’s differing effect on bull. he adjusts either way, but one puts him on a path where he’s going to be facing you, one way or another. and he pays the price for that.

♦ your favourite piece of lore | sent by @felandaristhorns & @sephirajo

i’ve answered this before the last time i reblogged this meme and answered the dalish mage lore from da:i and rivain just. as a whole. i’m going with the lore regarding elvhenan, though, b/c i think the games do a good job of subverting what we were told in da:o and da2 while also explaining how those misconceptions happened. i love going back to the previous games and seeing new angles to the lore and the places where they were building up to it. i love seeing the foreshadowing within inquisition itself.

and i just love how elvhenan is characterised, as a hyper-magic society where reality and dreams aren’t necessarily different things. and where feelings are just as physical as every other aspect of a person. it explains so much about the fade, spirits, solas, it makes even comments like merrill’s-- someone with a pretty nuanced view of spirits-- kind of sad. she calls the fade “another people’s land” not knowing that it was her land, and her people.

while i’m on that spirits in general make me sad. how perception screws with them, and how i think that just further isolates mages. for once i don’t think this is a plot by the chantry, i don’t think they’re lying about how they think spirits are, they’re just wrong to characterise them as they do. but at the same time i don’t think they’d disapprove of the effect is has on mages. it’s cutting them off from potential friendships, and not only that but friendships the templars would have 0 way of regulating given they could potential happen in dreams.

but i’m off-topic. the point is i find the worldbuilding surrounding elvhenan, to be some of bioware’s best. it makes sense, it’s nuanced and varied and doesn’t make elvhen characters wear one single hat. clearly it was a heavily flawed place, but it had a lot of merits and you can see why solas misses it or why cole, upon learning that the veil was never meant to be, feels validated by the idea that he was never wrong to want to be a part of both worlds.

♬ your favourite part of the da:i soundtrack | sent by @daggersandpoison

da:i has the best soundtrack in the series and i don’t think this is a controversial opinion. i do love inon sur’s work, and i was a little worried when i heard morris was composing inquisition b/c i found me3′s soundtrack to be overall a step down from me2′s (it lost a lot of what made the mass effect series unique). BUT with inquisition he managed to keep dragon age’s unique sound while also improving upon it. the inquisition theme gives me chills when i start up the game and even while i’m walking around in the field and a few chords play while i’m picking up my 100th elfroot.

but it’s always hard to choose my favourite. it’s honestly a tie between journey to skyhold and the dark solas theme. both of these give me specific solas feelings, the former b/c you have solas entrusting a lot of hope and faith in the inquisitor (it’s esp poignant if by that point you have a burgeoning friendship with him). and b/c it comes off one of the strongest moments in the dragon age series, aka the battle of haven and encounter w/ corypheus. also i love the dawn will come, fite me. and from my inquisitor’s perspective, esp my main inquisitor, thora, this is probably the first time she’s felt like she was worth all this herald talk. even if she doesn’t believe it, the song beginning with a soft, unsure sound and rising to a triumphant end when skyhold is unveiled encapsulates what i love about the inquisitor’s story and my inquisitor’s personal feelings.

dark solas theme i love b/c it conveys so much of the sadness and loneliness of his character. i would talk more about it b/c it makes me so sad i literally can’t listen to it unless i’m writing post-trespasser solas and even then it’s risky. it’s just a good track ok. and it caps off my favourite dlc.

ღ your favourite da:i banter | sent by @renaudtrevelyan

i talked about some banter i love here between bull and solas. i have to admit i have a hard time choosing my favourite in da:i b/c i just love so much of the banter in this game. i always tell myself not to choose solas banter, and i’m going to... choose one solas and one non-solas.

Solas: I do not understand you, Sera. You have no end goal for your organization. Sera: Nobles get rattled, and people get payback. I play in the middle. Solas: Why not go all the way? You see injustice, and you have organized a group to fight it. Don't you want to replace it with something better? Sera: What, just lop off the top? What's that do, except make a new top to frig it all up? Solas: I...forgive me. You are right. You are fine as you are. Sera: You hurt my head sometimes, Solas. Solas: Yes, I have been known to do that.

this banter is great to me (and all the banter leading up to it) b/c it informs so much about both of their characters. solas is trying to help sera, in this string of banter. he’s trying to give advice so that the red jennies could potentially become an organisation that does more than makes little people’s lives better with pranks or the occasional knife in someone’s back. it’s a conversation between two characters who are, in different ways, absolutely sick of the system and have different ways of dealing with it.

solas wants change. sweeping, societal change. sera isn’t sure change will help any, and would prefer the relative stability of a pre-breach world where she knows which way’s up. neither is wrong to deal with it the ways they are, and solas just has to look at the top he lopped off to see that, yes, they grow back just as bad. idk i just love solas and sera a lot and i love seeing what they have in common and how they handle their frustrations differently.

Sera: I don't get it. If you want to change, just change. Why this "fake Warden" rubbish? Blackwall: For one, people wanted me dead. Being someone else kept me breathing. Blackwall: And then, knowing that people thought I was good made it easier. Sera: (Laughs.) You needed them to think you could, so you could think you could! Sera: You're smart, but you're sort of stupid.

i’m picking another sera banter b/c i love her. i love sera b/c she’s smarter than ppl give her credit for, she cuts through why rainier did what he did the same way cole does. their relationship on the whole is very sweet and it was hard choosing one banter. but i appreciate her ability to both love and support thom while also calling him out on his bullshit. the two of them are good for each other and im so glad they’re friends. my only regret is i’ve never seen thom as sera’s best man in wedding art. or sera as blackwall’s for that matter. their friendship needs more love-- actually, sera just needs more love period.

☄ your favourite da:i codex entry | sent by @chantrysworn

i love this codex entry, describing wisdom (solas’s spirit friend):

When the summoning ritual was complete, the spirit appeared. Both spirits and demons have no gender as we understand it, but this one, much like the rare and dangerous desire demon, presented as female. Although its form was not threatening, the spirit carried itself with a confidence, an awareness, I suppose, that I have seen only in the most powerful of demons.

This spirit of wisdom was polite and courteous. It answered our questions about the Fade, even acknowledging the difficulty when we could not understand what it meant. There was none of the bargaining one normally associates with a summoned creature, save that the spirit sometimes asked us questions as well. Heras shared a mathematical formula he had recently proven, while Etrenne explained her study on magical themes in the Chant of Light, and young Rhys talked a little about his mother.

When we were finished, the spirit thanked us for the conversation and then vanished, although none of us had dismissed it. We soon discovered that the summoning ritual we had devised was critically flawed. The spirit had been under no compulsion to come or remain. All the time it had talked with us, it had stayed of its own volition. Heras was greatly concerned that such a powerful spirit remained free, and has updated the ritual to correct for the weakness in the binding enchantment. I understand his caution, but I also confess that I quite enjoyed the conversation. I am not certain the spirit would have talked so freely had it been shackled at the time.

—An excerpt from Spirits of the Spire by Senior Enchanter Francois

you can see so much of why they were friends in this codex. the politeness, answering and asking questions, no bargaining just a nice conversation where both parties learn things. and then you find out it never had to show up in the first place, it just wanted to-- and likely would not have been as accommodating had it not been free.

it’s great for informing us on a character we tragically don’t know all that well. and also? it’s incredibly sad when you think about what happens to it, it almost makes you wonder if the mages who ultimately bound and killed it would have had better luck simply asking for its protection. solas says something along those lines, but he also says it prefers remaining in the fade (interesting in itself, given that the chantry pushes the agenda that all spirits want beyond it. contradicted by multiple spirits we’ve met tbh, including cole, who actually quite likes the fade).

this codex is also interesting b/c it tells you some about what mages study and do with their time. and it goes back to what i mentioned previously, w/ chantry attitudes depriving spirits and mages of one another’s company.

anyway i love wisdom and it deserved better.

[luceat-eis]

TW: self harm mention

having been on tumblr for a while (since the summer before my freshman year of HS) I feel obligated to periodically shout updates on my life into the void, even if nobody is listening to them.

so I got into nursing school!! it’s really tough thus far and I’m trying to keep from losing motivation but there’s something about achieving what I’ve been working toward for 2.5 years now that’s unfortunately causing me to lose steam. and idk, but the fact that I’ll be in school an extra year is kind of getting under my skin—I’ve always been someone who did things In The Proper Timeframe Of Doing Them just because of the family I grew up in or maybe just the fact that I’m naturally anal retentive about stuff like that. idk. also clinicals??? scare the PISS out of me but it’s getting better.

additionally for the first time in my life I can honestly say... I love myself. I love how I look, I love my body, and I think I am beautiful. whether anyone else does? idk but I’m That Bitch. I’m intelligent, I make myself laugh even if nobody else does, I have a huge heart and im hugely empathetic. I am a good person and even when I’m not I still want to be better and that’s part of being human. and I think this confidence I’m finding in myself for the first time has a lot to do with me keeping my father at a distance for the time being. he was always the main voice of criticism toward my appearance when I was in that critical developmental period in childhood, and just the person that I was so obviously repelled him unless/until I started becoming more of who he wanted me to be. the deal is... I am chubby. I was born with an underactive thyroid. it is what it is and either way, weight fluctuates. if I have clothes that fit and I am healthy, I am happy with my body. I am a sensitive person and that is not weakness, it is strength. and even on days when it’s hard to look at myself in the mirror and see someone extraordinary looking back at me, I’m starting to look at it as an opportunity to stick a big ol middle finger at my father’s voice in my head picking me apart and sending me down a spiral. he doesn’t get to have that power over me anymore.

my dad is not going to get better. he’s not. he is not going to one day miraculously stand up and walk freely, his arm is not going to start working again, he will never get back the parts of his mind that he lost when he had his stroke. there will always be missing pieces, and because of his diminished mental capacity I may never be able to confront him and get closure for all the pain he put me through. and those are all direct consequences of the choices he made for not only himself but for the rest of this family. he made decisions that, for me, have resulted in wounds staying open forever and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for that. in a way him getting sick exposed how I am still hugely not healed from his parenting when I was little and even after that, no matter how much I wanted to pretend it away as I got older. in the year before he was sick we were closer than we had ever been but our relationship was still on thin ice and I willfully ignored it because I just... wanted a dad, with no strings, with no past. being around him now feels a lot like how I imagine it would feel to have a loved one with dementia: they’re standing in front of you, and it’s them but it’s just... not right. it’s off. they are who they have always been but now they’re someone else, and you grieve them while their ghost stands right in front of you. it’s incredibly hard to be around him and watch everyone take care of him and humor him and try to make him happy when his is the voice I hear in my head calling me a moron whenever I do something wrong. I just know this side of him that I’m glad very few others have had the chance to know. but the thing is, regardless of the circumstances, I am a twenty year old young woman and I can choose how much I want my father in my life. he should have thought about that more because even if nobody else wants to hold him responsible for his actions, I sure as hell will. either way, I’m going to have to heal myself and I don’t need his blessing or his validation.

and here’s the part that I don’t want to talk about because I don’t want to worry anyone (bold of me to assume that anyone would worry about me honestly), but I feel like I need to because it’s been bothering me and I need it off my chest and in the open. I have generally been in a better mental place lately, like I said. certainly a better place than I was in when I joined tumblr as a 14 year old. so I cannot understand why I’m experiencing such strong self harm urges lately. I’ve always had them since I started because obviously they never really go away, which is normal, but for the last month or so it’s been on my mind even more than usual. I’ve gotten close a few times and have looked through the SH tag and images but never relapsed and it’s not even days where anything particularly bad or stressful happens. it’s just out of boredom. I’m not scared for my safety and I don’t want anyone else to be, which is why I don’t want to say anything and every time I try talking about it I back out because I don’t want to get that deep with anyone. I don’t want anyone else to feel like they need to be monitoring me or keeping tabs on me to make sure I don’t relapse because that’s my responsibility and I’m managing perfectly well with it. I’ve lost count of how long it’s been since the last time, although I might have relapsed over the summer last year but it wasn’t all that significant because it was an isolated incident. i don’t really remember much about it. idk it’s just..... something I’ve been experiencing lately more than usual.

so anyway that’s my life right now. here’s pictures of my grown up self I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (wow I like mirror selfies a lot???)

[starkillerscience]

Just a few very quick TLJ notes in relation to my fics:

(Yes, there will be major spoilers for TLJ.)

First off, thank God I’m not able to write fic any more and that I hadn’t decided to wait until this film to continue my Starkiller Science fic following the plot of this most recent film, because it would have been IMPOSSIBLE.  No matter how much I’ve thought about it through the night and into this morning, there is no possible way that I could have included the reader character (Christina Xavier; which is what I will call her for the rest of this post) and still kept the same plot of The Last Jedi.  Second, Kylo Ren had amazing character development for the first 3/4 of the movie and then reverted back to his childish characteristics and just totally destroyed a proper redemption/grey Jedi arc that I had planned.

Like, none of Kylo’s actions would have been possible if he had known that Christina was on board the same ships as Leia.  It would have been too damn much for him.  He already didn’t want to fight because his mum was on board, but having his lover with a Force Bond on board, too?  No.  He wouldn’t have been able to fight, and he wouldn’t have allowed Hux to fire on the ships.  He would have sabotaged something so that the Resistance could get away.

On top of that, I don’t know how I would have incorporated the already existing Force Bond into the bond that Snoke created between Rey and Kylo.  Unless it was a weird three way call the whole time, and I wouldn’t have been able to take myself seriously.

Last, the odds of Christina surviving with the Resistance would have been nill considering that all of like 40 people survived the movie.  I told my friend in the theatre with me that after Laura Dern’s character fucking OBLITERATED Snoke’s ship, and after Hux killed off most of the Resistance, there would have only been enough people on either side to have like a bar brawl or something. idk.

So sticking to TLJ plot for a fic would not have worked, and I’m glad that I had fully developed a plot way ahead of time of how I would want the story to continue if Christina and Talia were there to influence the actions of Kylo and Hux.

My original sequel ideas had the First Order crumble apart under Hux’s leadership, leaving him and Kylo both more or less abandoned by Snoke who then used the Knights of Ren to continue on with a newly formed First Order under Captain Phasma’s command.  The basic plot structure was that Christina would briefly spend time with the Resistance to form a plan for her return to the First Order as a spy.  In that position, she would join Amena as a nurses aide to help with the mass casualties of the First Order, all the while gathering intel on the First Order to send back to Jessika Pava and Poe Dameron.

Meanwhile, Rey would train under Luke, Finn would go and join Rey when she and Luke return, and they would start forming a plan to take down Snoke.  All the while, Kylo would be on the run from the First Order after having largely disappointed Snoke.  Kylo would eventually sneak into the Resistance to beg forgiveness from his mother and try to make things a little bit more right.  During this time Hux and some First Order defectors would also be in hiding, biding their time, though Talia searches for them, finds Hux, and kills him.  Off the top of my head, I can’t remember how she manages to get here because some plot points are fuzzy after 20 months of not writing this fic.

Christina would eventually be found out as a spy and be held in prison on Snoke’s planet, basically being used as a pawn to get Kylo to come back to Snoke.  So Kylo teams up with Rey, Finn, and Luke with the intent of killing Snoke, which they would do in an epic showdown.  This would allow Leia and Luke to restore order to the galaxy, Rey and Finn and Poe could go off and have their beautiful perfect ot3, and Kylo and Christina could just gtfo away from both the First Order and Resistance to start their own lives in a way they most see fit.

The fic would have ended with Leia and Luke going on a trip to visit Kylo and Christina on the planet where they have made a home.  They walk up to the house, giving hugs, so happy to see one another.  And at the very end, Christina hands Leia a little bundle to hold: the newest member of the Skywalker family.

It was going to be dramatic and end cute as all hell.  But my PhD has taken over my entire life, and I also don’t have the motivation to write this, even if I had the time.  So instead, I am going to copy and paste all of my notes below about the sequel.  They are convoluted.  Entire plot points are missing that would have needed to be filled in as I developed the story.  There are run on sentences for days and my own commentary, but I think it pretty much sums up the ideas I had.  Enjoy.

Welcome to the five pages of notes that I took.  Also, if you were wondering what it looks like when I develop a story and am designing it, welcome to that process:

starkiller science sequel: Crescent Base Captives

 (why kylo cut the Bond: On one side, he honestly believes that he’s going to die, and he wanted to shut her out so that she wouldn’t feel his death through the Bond, because that would be so detrimental that it could kill her.  On the other side of things, he figures that if he does survive, he’s going to be facing Snoke and more training, and he doesn’t want her to slip into the Dark side of the Force along with him.  So by blocking the Bond to the fullest of his abilities, he sees it as the only way to truly protect her.)

 christina is trying so hard to adjust to not having contact with kylo and being with the resistance.  She's promisted leia that she will bring her son back, but she has no idea how to actually go about this.  She's a scientist—not a warrior, not a diplomat.  But at the same time, she knows that she has allies.  She is still in contact with Talia to a limited capacity, though Phasma and Amena are harder to reach, and christina isn't sure if she /wants/ to reach them because they're so close to the first order.  Talia doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to find Hux and bring him closer to her.  She can't let him go, even though she knows that he doesn't love her how she loves him. And with her collection of brains gone and research gone and everything else, she feels like she has been left with nothing.  The first order doesnt need her.  They have bigger fish to fry.  So she leaves and heads back to the academic planet, where she had also studied ten years before you.  She becomes an assistant in a university morgue, where she can teach brain anatomy and dissection to medical students.  She isn't really happy there, but it's something.  She still gets to play with brains, and she's safe.  But she longs for hux.  Longs for things to go back to the way that they were before.

 Christina is trying really hard to get closer to finn and poe and rey.  She sees them as being the only hope of getting kylo back.  She trusts finn fully, but he is slightly wary of her. He knows that she's a good person, but he can't forgive kylo for what he has done, and it's difficult for him to just forgive you supporting him.  But at the same time, he sees you as weak, as scared, and as willing to set things right as him and rey.  So he puts aside his anger at kylo and meets with you in private.  The two of you are on d'qar, sitting in the forest, and he vows that he'll still be your guardian angel.  And you break down crying beside him that you would receive such kindness once again when you least deserved it.

 From there, leia starts to draft a plan.  She and christina go through ideas with finn and poe about what o do with you, but there isn't much they can think of.  You aren't a warrior, aren't a politician. And leia ends up coming up with the idea of you spying and rejoining as a doctor.  It seems like the best idea out there, even though it's really morally conflicting.  Leia decides for you to undergo a bootcamp with some of the newer recruits, so the next two months are spent training physically.  It's a time to work on basic combat, building muscle, just generally getting some skills that she may need later.  She learns how to properly fire her blaster, how to fight hand to hand. She doubts that she will use most of the training, but there's something satisfying to seeing her arms become more muscular and body work better.  She had never worked out before this because she had spent so much time sitting and doing academic work.  “I got a brain work out” she tells Poe, and he laughs at her one night, because he remembers hearing stories from Jessika about her brainy roommate.  Jessika nd Poe and Finn are basically in charge of training Christina when she's not at the bootcamp during the days, and Rey is meanwhile training with Luke.  Sometimes, Christina swears that she can hear Rey's thoughts, but she wonders if she's imagining it just like the bits and pieces she's getting through the Bond from Kylo.

 SHE BECOMES A FUCKING SPY FOR THE RESISTANCE AND IS SENT BACK TO THE FIRST ORDER TO WORK UNDER AMENA.  She calls talia, and it turns out that talia is on her own teaching and generally hating herself.  But she gives her amena's comm and christina calls amena and basically begs for some position in the first order and to come back.  Amena doesn't know that christina will be a spy but thinks that she just wants back with her friends and people she knows or whatever.  Amena is like 'I don't know hwere to put you' and christina convinces her to take her back as an aide.  And so amena obliges but can't guarantee a pay at all.  

 Christina goes back to crescent base and meets with amena's younger cousin, Beatriz, who is also working as an aide.  Beatriz was a former Storm Trooper, but Amena pulled strings to get her into the medical centre since Beatriz was a field medic.  She has the skills and is safer there with Amena.  Beatriz starts to take Christina under her wing to teach her how to do the medical stuff.  Christina catches on quick since she had done some of this stuff during her schooling (like giving immunisations and doing assessments is fucking easy; she can do that. But learning how to give proper stitches and stuff becomes necessary.  And she learns how to use the equipment in the medical centre).

 Meanwhile, christina only feels bits and pieces from Kylo. He's on such a far away part of the galaxy that it's hard to feel much of a connection.  She only gets these fluttering emotions, and she knows that he's hiding from her.  Probably due to snoke.  Snoke gave ren the ultimatum to kill her or han, but he would prefer for them to both be dead so that kylo can delve even further into the darkness.  Especially when considering that killing han didn't work for the plans.  Snoke realises now that he shouldnl't have given ren the choice.  Kylo knows this, and he hates the fact that he's supposed to kill christina.  He sends her emotions every now and then when he thinks he can get past snoke, but it's so minimal that christina starts to wonder if she is imagining the Bond.  

 Kylo has been at the citadel for a couple of weeks, slowly healing.  The tendons of his right shoulder are completely fucked up, and he has limited motion.  He undergoes two different surgeries, leaving his shoulder completely covered in scars and a few screws and electronic tendons now wrapping through the muscle and joint.  It hurts when it rains, hurts to hold his lightsabre, but he works through it anyway. He thinks briefly about whether you feel the same pain (which you do on occasion, but you don't realise that it's when it's raining near kylo; you feel particularly blue and sad on these days. You tell amena that it feels like you have days where everything is raining on you.) and also thinks about how Amena is no doubt trying to recover from the blaster wounds—that is, if she made it out alive.  He hasn't heard a single word from Phasma to know.  Kylo has been kept purposefully in the dark because of snoke.  At first, it's because he is healing, but even after that, kylo understands that he's being trapped.  Snoke doesn't trust him, and he's right not to trust kylo, because kylo is being drawn to the light the longer that he is there.

             “Last time, I made the mistake of giving you an ultimatum,” Snoke sighed. “It was foolish.  I hadn't understood the full extent of your relationship with that woman.  If I had known it was more than lust, more than your desire to fulfil a possessive nature, then I would have forced you to kill her along with your father.  But this time, I will not make that same mistake. This time, you will be given an ultimatum that forces you to act in accordance with my will.”

           Ren swallowed the lump in his throat, already aware of what Snoke was about to ask.

           “This time, you may choose, but it is between her life and your own.  Choose wisely.”

 Though Hux has been in contact with Phasma, trying to get her to take a lot of the reigns of the first order.  She has been made a general, which is awesome, but she's stressed and upset that hux is hardly leaving the citadel.  He meets with her after four weeks, and she's boiling mad. She wants him to stay on the crescent base and finalizer with her and the troopers, but hux wants to keep an eye on kylo as well as get further training from snoke.  Hux sees the starkiller base's destruction as a major blow to his standing, and he fears that snoke will have kylo kill him or will simply eliminate him himself, so he's trying to suck up to snoke, I suppose. Phasma calls him out on this.  He tries to ignore that she is correct.

 At some point, hux falls out of favour with the first order entirely and is kicked out.  He kills the people who try to kill him under snoke's orders, but he knows that it's only a matter of time before he's captured by either the resistance or the first order and killed.  There is absolutely no one he can go to, and his credits have been reposessed by the first order.

 At some point, the first order asks christina to then be a spy on the resistance and like, she's then a double agent and everything is getting really shitty, and she can't keep it up, and one of her transmissions to jessika and leia gets intercepted, and phasma realises just what kind of position christina is in, and she shoves her up against a wall and is like 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?'  and it hurts phasma so much, but she can't hide the transmission.  She is legally obligated to show it to the rest of the captains and generals and even to snoke.  And snoke demands that she be killed.  Phasma is heartbroken, as is amena and talia, so phasma at least sets up a trial.

 Kylo has been with snoke during this time still doing his training and shit, but when he finds out about christina's trial and that she will be killed on a certain date by blaster fire, he loses his shit. Breaking free from snoke's citadel, he makes his way to the crescent base and personally interrupts her trial (think dumbledore when he breaks into harry's trial at the ministry lol).  The Bond reawakens at this moment, and it brings Christina to tears because she can hear him again.  She can see him again.  She can hear his thoughts and how much that he loves her.

 He is furious and threatens to kill everyone there if she is not freed.  Phasma is there and trying to calm him down because they're all under orders from snoke, and he's basically like 'FUCK SNOKE.  SHE'S MINE.'  and one of the captains decides to post-pone the trial for another day, and christina is dragged away in cuffs to a holding cell.  Kylo demands entrance to see her, and through the bars of her prison cell, they finally meet again for the first time in over six months.  He promises that she's not going to die, and she doesn't know how to believe him because this whole situation is hopeless.  Kylo is called away from her, but he refuses to budge.  He won't leave the other side of her prison cell until the next day when her trial is starting up again.  He follows into the court room regardless of what anyone else says, and he interrupts and distracts everyone.  He argues on her behalf, but he doesn't kno what he's talking about.  The fact of the matter is that she's a spy, and nothing he can say will negate that.  As the verdict comes down, he screams out and quotes obi-wan in a new hope when he says that if vader cuts him down he will only come back stronger or whatever.  And christina is dragged away with an execution date set for three days from then.  Kylo follows back to her cell, but it's now being guarded.  He threatens to kill anyone, but the knights of ren are there, now guarding christina because of snoke's orders.  Kylo is furious because this means that his knights have turned against him.  He leaves in a storm of anger, determined now to save christina from the knights and kill snoke.

 From here on out, kylo is officially on an opposite side of the war from everyone else.  Like christina, he is no longer on a side.  He has simply chosen a person.  And it's her.  She is everything.

 Somehow he breaks her out or something idk.  He dumps her on talia's planet for safe-keeping because hiding her seems like a good option while kylo goes out to kill all of his knights.  He's now completely grey.

 Talia and christina don't feel safe because they know that talia is being watched by the first order; they see bazine netal twice and know she's watching them.  Talia makes the decision to quit, and they pack their things in the night and leave for another planet.  Somehow, this leads to them meeting back up with hux after a couple of weeks of hiding. They are only getting little bits and pieces of information that kylo is out fucking things up.  The whole galaxy is under war, and kylo has gone off on his own and is killing high up members of the first order and resistance alike. But you and talia are aware that they are not actually indiscriminate.  He is killing anyone who stands in the way of him and christina being together.  He is killing his knights, killing spies, killing people loyal to snoke.  He kills bazine netal but is heavily injured during the battle with her, thus he isn't able to come rescue chrstina and talia when they finaly meet up with hux again.

 Talia ends up killing Hux by shooting him in the head with a blaster.  this is significant because she destroys his brain.  he trehatens to kill her and it becomes apparent that his freedom means far more than any emotions he had for talia.  talia means nothing to him. he has talia at knifepoint. christina steps in and manages to get him to let talia go. christina has him pinned and he threatens that you can either kill him right there or he will kill both of you and escape.  you know that he is fully capable of doing what he says and ther is no way that even the two of you could get him back to the resistance.  so as you're holding him to the ground with a knife at his throat, that's when talia steps in andshoots him in the fucking face.  christina is splalttered in hux's blood and completely shocked.  there's hardly anything left of his head, and she shakily rolls off of him.  talia is heaving, still holding the blaster in her hand.  "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" she shrieks, and she shoots again where his head should have been, aimed directly at what was once his brain.  she sinks to the ground, sobbing violently. what had once made hux the most fearsome general in the galaxy is now gone—to talia, a brain is the person. Without it, they are no longer real. all that is left are the blood splatters against the ground and the burnt hole in the dirt from the plasma blast.

 They escape, no longer being chased by anyone, and christina decides tha the best course of action is to get talia to the resistance.  She'll be safe there.  Talia is reluctant but she is taken in, though she's a bit of a pariah there because of her background.

 Christina goes back out, this time with help from poe and jessika.  Her goal is to find kylo, who's currently recovering on his own in a shitty inn on some backwater planet, trying to lay low.  The three of them find him, and he has an infection and is kind of out of it. Jessika brings in a med kit, and poe kind of can't believe that he's here, helping the dude who tortured him for information a year before.  But they fix him up becaue they're GOOD DAMN PEOPLE.  And there needs to be a fluffy scene of kylo and christina sharing a room as poe and jessika get their own room in another part of the inn.  And like, sexy kylo times idk.  But damn, we will all be in need by that point.

 Kylo requests that poe and jessika keep christina safe but drop him off at snoke's citadel because he wants to go kill snoke.  They're like 'no, ur hurt and dumb'.  And rey finishes her training around this time and they're like, 'team up with rey'.  Kylo is like 'ew gross no'.  But they team up anyway, and they start to devise a plan with Finn, and the three of them are going to go kill Snoke together with Luke.  Idk.  Something like that.  Meanwhile, poe and jessika are going to launch an offensive against snoke's planet and the final forces under phasma's control who are all around the planet.

 The battle is going on in the air. And then there's the in person battle of the three force sensitive bbs against snoke.  Christina is with leia.  Ships are leaving the finalizer as the battle rages on, and you realise that this will be the end for phasma.  She is the resistance's primary target along with some of the generals and captains of the first order.  Amena refuses to leave phasma, but she makes Beatriz leave, because Amena knows that anyone who stays is going to die there.  Beatriz comms Christina for help, and Christina is like 'I really can't help you. Just lay low.  Get somewhere safe.  And never say that you're from the First Order again.  I'm sorry.  That's all I can do.'  except you actually /can/ do something.  You comm beatriz back as she's crying and tell her to go to eriadu; market 67; the fountain.  She's confused but agrees.  captain harpin maltolpol is with her because I think they're going to get together idk. You comm samson and tell him to go to his usual spot in acouple of days to pick up those idiots.  He does and takes them to his home planet where they go into hiding.  They live happily ever after probably because they're good people at heart.

 Anyway, battle is continuing, and christina is very involved because of the Bond with Kylo.  Rey is kicking ass.  Finn is too for a while but gets injured along with Kylo.  Snoke starts manipulating any metal and wiring in their bodies, and Finn has metal rods in his back from Kylo's attack and Kylo has metal and wiring all through his right shoulder from a battle, so both fo them are kind of down for the count.  And rey is still fighting snoke, and christina kind of transfers into kylo's body and starts fighting.  This is a major parallel to the fight with stratoveer, because she takes kylo's lightsabre and uses it lefthanded as she had in that battle.  She feels like she's really there, just to Rey's right as they both take down Snoke.  And Kylo is cheering her on the entire time and feeding information about fighting. They are essentially sharing his body during the fight, and Snoke starts to realise that he's losing.  And Rey kicks him and uses the force to take away his lightsabre, and then christina gives kylo his body back, and he beheads snoke with his left arm and then drops down, realising that this is all over. He's done it.  And rey runs to finn.  Just as this battle has ended, the finalizer is critically damaged by poe, and it's only a matter of minutes before it all explodes, which will take out parts of the citadel planet.  So then kylo, rey, and finn all have to run to escape back to their ship, which rey pilots away as the boys sit in the back all injured and dumb and whatever.  Idk where luke was during this lol.

 The finalizer explodes, and everyone heads back to the resistance base on d'qar, and kylo falls to his knees before leia, asking for forgiveness.  She hugs him and doesn't even know what to say, because he has redeemed himself, and she's so happy that he's capable of love.  But she also knows that he is wanted by the new republic.  Christina comes over, and leia knows that the two of you must leave.  She says that they'll all be in touch, but she shushes them away and makes them promise to keep hidden.  Kylo nods. After all of the shit that he's gone through, nothing sounds better.  Kylo gets fixed up since his shoulder is shit, and then in the dead of night, they board a ship, heading for who knows where.

 Christina ends up taking kylo back to her original home planet, which is coincidentally where samson is now living. It's warm.  Sunny.  Bright. She hasn't been there since she was 17 and had left for university.  Kylo asks if she wants to visit her family but she shakes her head.  They were never close, and it wouldn't do any good to show up. They most likely believed that she was dead, and that was fine.  Besides, she has a new family.  It's kylo. It's leia.  It's talia.  Beatriz. They end up telling beatriz and harpin to join them on the planet after a little while, and though they don't live that close to one another, it's nice to know that there are other people in hiding with them.  A few people end up knowing that kylo and christina are there—leia, talia, jessika, poe, etc.  they occasionally visit.    THAT OR THEY GO TO SAMSON'S HOME PLANET.  I think this would make more sense??

 Talia works for the resistance and new republic, doing research.  She finally seems happy.

 The fic ends with kylo burying his hands into the earth, and christina is bringing a potted plant over to him with Pickles rubbing up against her leg.  They are planting it beside a house that they built from hand.  It's earthy and so incredibly opposite from the starkiller base, which had been dark and rocky.  There is beautiful metal work, which christina has done with the Force in her artistic metal bending and whatnot.  A ship flies by, and you look up, recognising it.  It parks just over a hill, and a few minutes later, Leia walks up with Luke following shortly behind.  Christina runs over to her, giving a hug as Luke gives Kylo a pat on the upper arm before Kylo hugs his mother.  They are standing there in the dirt path before their house, greeting, and Leia mentions, “Now, while I love seeing my son and daughter-in-law, I believe you owe me another introduction.”  and all four of you go inside the house to see a cooing little girl in a crib beneath an open window, light pouring upon her.  Leia holds her grand-daughter for the first time, and there are tears in her eyes.  The scene ends with the two of them as Leia rocks the infant in her arms, seeing through time to when she did the same with Ben.

[lhugbereth]

KP- I'm crying omg, Ignis almost fighting the stranger in his bed 😂 I imagine Noctis is adamant that he's too comfy to leave and says he has nowhere to go anyways because SOME asshole named GLADIO kicked him out. Ignis softens a tiny bit but is still reluctant to let Noct stay, tho he looks harmless enough he supposes, just too sassy for his own good. Cue awkward bed sharing maybe? ;) Bonus: Ignis stretching out before bed and noct pretends to be asleep but he's watching like ?! DAMN! I'M GAY!

I’m sorry this has taken so long, but at last it’s time for a side-Ignoct catch up post!! These two are almost as bad as Promptio when it comes to being totally obvious-slash-oblivious about their mutual crushing. So I hope you enjoy this post featuring flexible Iggy and Noct’s Big Gay Awakening :3 

(idk where this gif is from but it’s too appropriate not to use...?????)

Noct appreciates the view under the cut! v v v 

[The night of the Grand Prix in Altissia]

- Noctis has never been in love. He’s had flings, sure, mostly when he was in school and none of them serious. Nothing that lasted longer than a single semester. Before that, it was mostly him avoiding the people who only saw him for his name and his father’s money. At twenty, he’s already pretty sure things like love and dating just...aren’t for him.

- Which is why he doesn’t get Gladio. Like, at all. Flying both of them across the continent just to watch Prompto skate? Noct doesn’t think he could ever feel that strongly about someone else. He really, really doesn’t get it.

- So when Gladio tells him after the competition not to wait up, Noct rolls his eyes and makes his way to their hotel all alone. He takes the scenic route, admiring the city streets lit up at night and ordering a gelato from a vendor. But even the area near the canal is filled with couples enjoying the romantic atmosphere. Noct sighs, tosses his empty cup in a trash bin, and continues on his way.

- If he’s expecting Gladio back at all, it certainly isn’t an hour later and with Prompto attached to his hip. They burst into the room in a flurry of laughter and kisses, almost ignoring Noct’s presence until he clears his throat from the other bed.

- “Oh. Hey, Noct. Uh, this is Prompto -”

- “Nice to meet you!” The blonde smiles, waves, but looks a little embarrassed as he puts a half-inch distance between him and Gladio.

- Noct rolls his eyes again. He’s doing that a lot recently. “Yeah, hi. Are you guys gonna...need the room?”

- Gladio’s mouth twitches. He looks at Prompto, back to Noct, down at his feet. Next to him, the blonde flushes as he reaches into his coat pocket. “Um. You can have the key to my hotel room if you -”

- Noct is already moving. He says nothing as he snatches the card key out of Prompto’s fingers and starts down the hall toward the elevators. Behind him, the sound of the door closing follows him all the way to the lobby.

- Luckily for him, Prompto’s hotel is only a block away - a five-star kinda place called the Leville. The room is on the tenth floor, and invitingly empty with one large bed in the center. The skater’s bags are against the far wall - he seems to travel with enough stuff for two people, at least - and there’s a spa-style tub in the bathroom. Noct considers it for a moment before his exhaustion gets the better of him and he collapses on the bed without even getting undressed.

- He’s asleep when the door opens. A figure enters quietly, stops in the doorway to watch him. He doesn’t notice when the figure approaches, or even when a gentle hand reaches out to touch his shoulder. In fact, he doesn’t wake up until that same hand shakes him hard enough to knock him nearly off the edge of the mattress and onto the floor.

- Noct bolts up. There’s a man standing over him - a stunningly beautiful man, his groggy mind supplies - looking about as confused as he is and somehow even angrier. Before Noct can stop himself the words are tumbling out of his mouth. “Who the fuck’re you?!”

- Silence. That probably wasn’t the wisest choice of words if the other man’s harsh green glare is any indication, but it’s too late to take them back now. Noct waits, tense with nerves, until at last the silence is broken by the most elegant Tenebraen accent he’s ever heard. “Is that how you usually greet someone whose bed you’ve sequestered?”

- It takes a moment before the words sink in. By then, Noct has already started babbling about how Gladio kicked him out and Prompto gave him the key and he doesn’t know who this guy thinks he is but this is his room now and --

- The man cuts him off with a sigh. “I should have suspected those two. What did you say your name was?”

- “Nocti -- Noct. Just Noct.”

- Gods, this man has spectacular eyebrows. “Well, just Noct. I suppose kicking you out now would only make me as bad as them. You can stay, but forgive me for asking for the use of my bed?” Noct blushes. He actually fucking blushes at the thought of his beautiful man falling asleep next to him, this stranger who hasn’t even bothered to give his name. It isn’t until he slides over to make room that he realizes the man is gesturing to the chair in the corner. Oh. Oh.

- He’s certainly slept in less comfortable positions, but he can’t help feeling all of this is Gladio’s fault. If it weren’t for him and his stupid crush, Noct thinks, he would still be back home in his own room, with his own bed and his video games. He wouldn’t be curled up in a worn armchair with a thin blanket tucked around his shoulders, simultaneously trying to fall back asleep and keep watching the show across the room. He thinks the man must be a skater like Prompto because damn he’s flexible - stretching on the floor at the foot of the bed, one leg straight out behind him and the other in front, his body pressed flat against it as his fingers curl around his heel. Then a smooth transition into a side split, his sleep pants leaving little to the imagination when he twists and arcs his back. Noctis wonders if the man knows how good he looks. If perhaps he’s doing this on purpose to torture him, as if Gladio and Prompto hadn’t done enough. Either way, it isn’t fair - and it makes his cramped position in the chair even less comfortable (although perhaps trying to hide his boner in the bed would have been worse)

- He swears he’s never going to forgive Gladio for any of this.

[The next morning]

- Ignis finds his guest still sleeping when he gets out of the shower in the morning. While he dresses, he finds himself studying the young man curled up under his sheet in the chair. He appears to be no older than Prompto, around nineteen or twenty. Attractive (he tries to ignore that). A student, perhaps? Although he claimed the night before to be an acquaintance of Gladio’s, he certainly doesn’t strike Ignis as having the build of a hockey player. He does, however, seem like someone who has secrets.

- If there’s one thing Ignis hates, it’s not knowing something.

- He slips out of the room as quietly as he can, but the mystery continues to eat at him all morning. Even after he checks out at the front desk (hoping Noct will find his way home before he’s carted off with the linens), Ignis can’t seem to reign in his thoughts. Why, for example, wouldn’t Noct give him his full name? What was it he was hiding? And why had he looked so disappointed when he’d been kicked out of the bed? Ignis chalks his curiosity up to the strangeness of the whole situation, and tries his best not to mention the young man in front of Prompto once they arrive at the airport.

[Several days later:]

- “Oh, hey! Gladio says he can make it after all!” Prompto’s looking at his phone again, for at least the dozenth time since Ignis first told him to put it away and concentrate. At this point, he can only give up trying and plop down next to the blonde on the mat.

- “Wonderful. As if you weren’t already distracted enough this evening.”

- Prompto smiles and pats his knee. “He’s bringing you coffee to make up for it.”

- “Well, I suppose that’s something.”

- What Prompto fails to mention is that Gladio isn’t coming alone. He’s dragged his friend with him again, and the moment Noct walks through the door carrying a bag of take-out lattes, Ignis loses the capacity for rational thought. Everything he’s been trying to ignore since Altissia (those deep blue eyes, that perpetual hint of something tugging at the corners of Noct’s mouth, the inexplicable obsession/attraction he’s felt toward the kid) come back in full force.  And still Ignis knows next to nothing about him!

- He doesn’t realize he’s been staring until Noct shifts uncomfortably and reaches in the bag to pull out one of the steaming hot coffees. “Nice t’see you again. Gladio said you, uh, like double shots?”

- “Oh. Yes, I do. Thank you. Er - “ Reaching out for the gift, he can’t help but notice the “name” scrawled across the side of the cup in black marker. “‘Specs’?”

- Noct flushes as his eyes somehow grow ever more beautiful. “O-oh. I didn’t…. I mean, you never told me your name, and Gladio said I should...ask you myself….” (Nearby, Gladio is grinning and whispering something in Prompto’s ear until the blonde’s mirth grows to match) “U-um, I hope you don’t hate it. T-the nickname, I mean. It’s ‘cause of your glasses, y’know, and - “

- “Ignis.” He clears his throat when Noct blushes again. “My name is Ignis Scientia. I apologize for my apparent lapse in manners when we met in Altissia.”

- “Yeah, um, me too.” (Gladio and Prompto are, if possible, being more obnoxious than before. Prompto’s actually filming this with his phone while Gladio shoots him the thumbs up from over Ignis’ shoulder). “I’m Noctis. But Noct is fine.” And now Ignis is smiling at him - it’s subtle, more in the way his eyes soften than the barely-visible curve of his lips - but Noct thinks it’s completely unfair how gorgeous he looks when he does it.

- “Thank you for the coffee, Noct.” Ignis takes a sip (is it wrong to be jealous of a plastic cup lid??) and gestures for him to have a seat next to Gladio on the mat. Noctis watches for over an hour in awe, unable to tear his eyes off Ignis while he limbers up, runs Prompto through their basic drills, and eventually demonstrates a new beam technique that shows off both his flawless flexibility and his impressive upper body strength.

- Halfway through, Gladio leans in and with a knowing grin, tells him to pick his jaw up off the floor.