#more tags later mb but I gotta do a work thing now. anyway how are we tagging hades from hades game? how are we doing that

[toushindai]

p cool how Hades calls his dog by name but calls his son "boy," occasionally even in the same sentence

And by cool I mean yikes

[it's free real estate voice] ~~It's bad parenting~~

...and then I ramble for 1300 words: No I’m proud of this it’s not rambling. It is 1300 words long though.

Eventually, I assume, at some emotional moment he will call Zagreus by name, and I wonder what can be done narratively to earn that moment. It can't come cheaply. As it stands currently, it's most often Hades who starts the conversations between the two of them, and not kindly. You can't yell at your kid for being cheeky if you snark at him first, dude! He is just an unforgivably bad parent as it currently stands, and inflexibly so. I get the impression that he has absolutely no idea how to get his son under control. Not a single, solitary clue. He's tried delegating, I suppose—to Nyx and Achilles and Megaera in various capacities—but none of them managed to bring Zag into line with what Hades wants. In at least Achilles' and Nyx’s cases* they likely applied the one strategy that Hades never has, that of listening to Zag and treating him like his own person; but of course this results in Zagreus making his own decisions and his own mistakes, which I don’t believe Hades appreciates—or appreciates the importance of.

(*In my own headcanon, if not necessarily explicitly in canon, Megaera was/is better at this than Hades, but not to Achilles’ and Nyx’s level, and not, crucially, to a level that Zag could tolerate perpetually.)

Hades doesn’t know what to do in order to get himself a compliant son, and so the strategy he keeps defaulting to is berating and belittling him incessantly. Despite the clear lack of success of this strategy! All it’s doing is teaching Zagreus that he’ll never have his father’s respect, no matter what he does; that in order to be any kind of equal, he has to give as good as he gets. Zagreus has learned that he shouldn’t take anything Hades says to heart because it is cruel under any circumstances. I mean the guy can’t even properly thank Zagreus for inspiring Orpheus to sing again. He’s super bad at this!

(Honestly, between Hades’ inability to get his son under control, his difficulty in convincing Orpheus to sing again, his inability to stop Nyx and Achilles from aiding Zag... maybe he’s just not great at getting people to do what he wants? And how does that reflect on a god; and does it in some concrete way weaken his influence in his domain? Would that induce a sense of urgency on the subject of getting Zagreus under control? Regardless—)

So, is this status quo going to remain intact until and beyond the end of the game, or is something going to change? Is there going to be some kind of reconciliation between father and son, is Hades going to stop being such a dick? I mean... to me, it feels like yes, even though I don’t see at this time how it can happen and I am actively wary of it coming cheaply. I think the reason I feel this way is that it seems very clear that Hades just... isn’t expressing himself well, or honestly. His anger is bluster and the scorn he heaps on Zagreus is frustration at his own impotence. I’m not excusing it! That doesn’t at all make it excusable, but I feel like it leaves open the possibility that if Hades can change that about himself, then he and Zagreus could communicate honestly moving forward. And that does lead into one worry I have—that some part of Zag is so desirous of his father’s approval that, given the opportunity, he will forgive Hades’ mistreatment more easily than a player/observer will. (cf. the two seconds in which he does, I think, sincerely fall for Hades’ “I thought you’d finally made it out.”) It seems that Zagreus is—by nature, and in spite of Hades’ abuse—generous and open with his emotions, he is someone who inherently and intensely wants to be in a state of getting along with people. And that could present a real narrative challenge, in that Zag might accept a revised status quo in which Hades treats him with some level of grudging respect more easily than the narrative, as it currently stands, demands of Hades.

There is of course the possibility that such a reconciliation won’t be on the table at all, won’t be presented as an option. I mean, as far as Zag’s planning at this point, he’s going to make it to the surface and leave Hades (place and person) behind entirely and that’s gonna be the end of that! I am acknowledging this possibility with these words but please let me make it excruciatingly clear that I do not believe it for one single second. I extremely, extremely do not think that Zag gets to stay on the surface the first time he makes it to the surface, I mean at this point with the roadmap public and calling for a fourth biome after Elysium that’s almost obvious but I’ve been thinking this from the beginning. I think he reaches the surface but something unexpected and intensely disillusioning happens and he winds up back at home. If it then comes out that part of Hades hoped that Zagreus's bullheaded persistence would bring him a success that Hades had given up imagining—if they're able to have some kind of honest conversation in which Zag feels hopeless while Hades admits begrudgingly to hope of his own—then I think things between them might begin to be repaired. (Then Zag recovers and sets out again, to Hades' baffled exasperation, but with a broader, less self-serving sense of purpose, or something? idk, I'm trying not to commit to only one theory of what might happen but this is the primary thing I've been picturing...)

But like I said, I'm having trouble imagining a story that concludes with a decision towards intentional, permanent estrangement, and not because I think there's anything wrong with that kind of story. Is it because that would sort of be the result of the path Zagreus is currently on, which has been characterized so far as careless, poorly thought through, incomplete**? I think that's it. It's not that I feel the narrative is aiming at "Zag just needs to ~give Hades a chance~"—not at all, on the contrary I think it shows that he has tried to give Hades those chances, primarily through trying to give him ambrosia and to a lesser extent when he tries to convey Zeus's offer of forgiveness. (Regardless of whether that offer from Zeus's end is appropriate, Zagreus put himself in the middle and gave Hades the chance to respond with decency, in spite of, uh, every piece of evidence we've seen so far suggesting that it would not go well.) If there is going to be transformation in this relationship, it absolutely has to start with Hades not being a dick to him anymore. And maybe that's not something Zagreus is actively looking for or working towards at this moment, and with ample reason. But, because it's so clear that Zagreus's sense of purpose is so underthought and naive, and because he does fall into what is currently a trap*** of trying to be open with Hades on occasion, I don't think "Zag gets away forever" is where this is going. And for that to happen, for that to be satisfying, Hades has got to stop being awful to him. That he is portrayed as otherwise fair means that this path is open, I think. But it's got to start with him backing the fuck off and admitting what he's been doing wrong for as long as Zag has been alive.

(**I very very very much want to look in detail at the way this impression is constructed because it's so crucial to what's happening and yet so external to the POV character. I just really love the way Supergiant tells stories indirectly, ok, I just—it's just amazing, I want to eat this ability and absorb it for myself.)

(***The sense of dread I feel when initiating both of those conversations is... quite exquisite? I don't want to tell Zagreus to bare his throat to the wolf, I don't want to navigate him into a position where his guard is down and his father just tears into him again, but... it's so important that that is something that Zag does, and it makes my heart ache for him.)

[illfigureitoutasigoalong]

my flea dream lol

My weird dream

I had a “flea” dream last night lol. Once my sister had a dream that she was a flea and killed mufasa?? And woke up and was terrified but like the content of the dream was not scary. I had one last night which right now is a little scary. OMG so it wasn’t a nightmare because it was scary, but it was intense and my heart was beating fast when I woke up. So it started out really weird and the direct result of me watching too many episodes of breaking polygamy. I was on a date with an FLDS looking woman in a restaurant that looked gross and I would never go there in real life. What’s weird is that I’ve had dreams in this restaurant before? Anyway I was wearing an amazing cute outfit with a blazer at this date and my weird amish looking date looked…. Amish. And the waiter took her order and then looked to me and goes “are you a man or a boy?” And I was immediately offended hahaha I was just like “what??” And the waiter was like “suit jackets are for men.” I immediately left the restaurant and there was no other sight of my weird date. I got in my car (which was my old gold Honda RIP) and who is inside??? MY EX GIRLFRIEND. That’s when this turned into a nightmare tbh. My least favorite version of her was her when we were in the car and she was driving. In my dream though we were not dating we were just friends after dating. But she was acting weird and possessive and stuff like we were still together. She drove us around being literally the most annoying version of herself. She spilled coffee, got us lost, was extra Vegan, and just generally very annoying. She like had this “I know I’m right attitude” that I used to hate or more like “I don’t care if I’m wrong” attitude. Terrible. As we were driving to my dream house I just got more and more miserable.

THEN the number one reason we broke up, she invited herself to a family party that was being thrown at my house. (Also weird thing about my house in this dream is that it was in the field that used to be there before they built a Walmart on winterpok rd. Also all the women in my family were lined up with red Pizza Hut uniforms and name tags and everyone had a fluffy twist out like they had blowdried their hair??? (Probably another side effect of me watching too much breaking polygamy lmao because they all wear their hair the same on there. I remember members of my family there but also members from the country church we used to go to like 15 years ago. Honestly who even knows why they were also there. I was immediately excited to see all of them and forgot to be annoyed at S. I remember singing “10-20-40” to them as I walked by. Literally so weird.)

SO. As we were driving S had stopped at Pizza Hut which was on the corner in the dream and my dream solution was to run home before she could find me, and get into my weird house before she saw me so that one of my family members would intercept her. It semi worked? I snuck into the basement locker room of my house to (take a shower I guess) and I hear her coming in the alternate entrance. (Random memory about this dream, she was dressed like jojo siwa. Which is odd but its also totally how she would have dressed in like, high school. Literally why did I date this woman) And I see her legs under like a weird stall door that leads to the basement locker room and we start having a screaming match about her even being in my house which is when I woke up with my heart beating fast. I’m trying to even remember what I said but I remember a few parts?

S: “I can’t believe you didn’t wait for me!” (I guess to come into my house? What’s weird about this argument is that I felt the same guilty sense of dread that I used to feel when I didn’t feel like hanging out with her. Cool. Love that for me)

Me: “I had a very not good day, which I know isn’t an excuse.” So eloquent of me. Brilliant grammar. I was referring to being called a man on my weird date, for some reason in my dream this really distressed me.

S: “That’s not an excuse!” (She had cut me off as I was saying the last part)

Me: “I JUST said it’s not an excuse and I’m fucking trying to apologize and you won’t let me!”

And that’s when I woke up. I wish I had stayed asleep longer because I was about to yell at her for 1. We aren’t dating anymore and she was no longer entitled to my time and 2. That she was always inviting herself into places that she just didn’t belong or didn’t fit. This would have gotten ugly so you know it’s probably for the best but still. lol.

So what do I do? I get up and read her reddit posts to make sure she’s still completely unrelateable and surprise surprise she is. So I am making it a vow to stop doing that because all it really does is just make me even more flabbergasted about why I even dated her for so long or even dated her at all. I know deep down that my reasoning was “eh, why not? I need girlfriend experience.” Instead of “wow I am actually interested in this person.” So yep. Never doing that again. And I know it’s terrible but I really want to date someone in my race next time. It’s just easier.

Also I have been thinking about downloading a dating app but I only want friends. I don’t feel like dating anyone right now and also I feel like in order to have a good time in a relationship I need to lose like 150 pounds. Anyway I typed this on my work laptop and I hope if someone reads this later they get a big kick out of it. Hahahah

Also! I text MB all day every day because I think we are both lonely. Yesterday on FT she said “I wish you were a man then we could date.” This really freaked me out. At first (like months ago) my brain was like “oh shit are we about to get a crush” but thank GOD I only feel friendship feelings for her. She’s just really young and very white and sometimes those things are glaringly obvious. It just freaked me out because it made me think like “oh should we be dating???” but the ultimate answer is no. not to mention a week or so ago we had a discussion where she thought i was always mad at her for being racist. But i have to call her out sometimes on the ignorant shit she says. Like ordinarily i would just let people get away with it but if we are gonna be as close of friends as we already are then you gotta know when you mess up. Sorry. But you do.

I was able to get a nintendo switch!! I am having a great time. I just wish my sister was able to get one too. I feel like I can’t be properly excited because she’s really bummed about not being able to get one. I am checking the site over and over again to see if I can get one for her. Also she’s bummed about her job role transitioning for the lend position. I would also be very upset but at the same time she should be just a little grateful for still having a job at this point. I would never say that though. And also i’m not in her shoes so I can’t really judge. I would be PISSED if I climbed my way up the ladder just to be stuck doing what I view as “non-degree work.”

This is terrible but finally the tables have turned in my favor? Hear me out ok. For years I’ve struggled with my health and my job. I was diagnosed with diabetes and high BP when I was 19. I graduated without a job, and worked 5 shitty and semi-shitty jobs for the past 5 years. Finally I have a job that I love (hopefully that lasts) that pays me decently, and I can afford my meds on my new insurance, I stay hydrated which makes me feel better and I’ve gotten really used to listening to my body. I also have accepted my health problems and I am really good at keeping a level head about things. Now though, all of the stuff I already went through and I am dealing with accordingly are happening to my sister and she is miserable. She had a shitty job change (it’s only temporary, but she is WALLOWING in it.) and was diagnosed with asthma. The inhaler gives her heart palpitations and she completely freaks out over them. I’m really not trying to be rude but at least you know they are a side effect and her heart isn’t just going crazy for no reason. But she has been in a terrible mood for weeks and every time she takes her inhaler she has like, an episode. First of all, my mom would have never let me get away with this behavior for so long because I’ve always been kind of sullen and panicky. But also I think sometimes my sister just really needs to grow up. Shitty things happen to everyone and you kind of just have to keep going forward.

AND speaking of growing up, we are trying to look at apartments in the same complex because I feel like honestly she will forget about me if we don’t live within walking distance of each other. I don’t know how much she gets paid but it can’t be much more than me. She’s looking at places with one bedroom that are like $1,500 a month.... like that’s the base rent price. She’s not even counting the security deposit and utilities. I tried to explain it to her and she’s like “I’m pretty sure all apartments cost this much around here.” I’m so sorry but no. They don’t. I’m not paying almost 2 grand a month to live where we do. That’s crazy to me. I found a place I like but she doesn’t seem to like it. I may just have to move there and just be sad for a while when she forgets to hang out with me.

Last thing I guess (since I should be working) I want to write a lesbian romance novel! I am in a bit of a book slump so why not write one of my own. Wouldn’t that be amazing if it could be published??? I have no idea how to write a book so honestly it’s a pipe dream but I was really good at writing fanfiction! It’s gotta be similar right?