#but i've spent months feeling like i am going nowhere

[citriosis]

best thing about project sekai thus far has been finally getting expert. just looking at it and not feeling Immediately Overwhelmed is extremely nice and it makes my learning feel tangible. i've FC'd three songs on expert so far (easy ones; reborn, copycat, and goodbye) and i'm just like. wow! i'm doing something!! i'm improving at something!! +500 aspiration +250 influence

[emelinstriker]

Shockwave ♤ Kiss The Spark

Might be my last TFP X Reader one-shot I'm dropping for now. I've got several other one-shots and even a full book that was in the works, but whenever I'll finish any, I have no idea.

[TL;DR] You really do be worrying your beloved cyclops scientist with the risks you take. And he finds it illogical.

♤ ~ Comfort ~ ♤

It was a lazy day for the two of you. Megatron was busy leading the Decepticon cause, as usual, and left Shockwave to his tools. Said mech was trying to work on basically recreating a predacon while you were watching him. It did make him a little uncomfortable with how you were basically staring at him, but he would never out right say it.

You were just supposed to be a random human he could study and experiment on after you were kidnapped by Knockout months ago. But now you were the lover of the warship's scientist. Basically his Conjunx Endura, and he did show some affection towards you while feeling some sort of emotion despite having undergone shadowplay. At first it felt like you were treated like a pet, which you technically were in the Decepticon's optic, but it was obvious he was lying to himself over time as you began to worm your way into his spark.

Despite the months of love and care, he slowly started neglecting you due to the cause being his main priority. Sure, he did give you food and your own box corner that felt like a small apartment, but his affection towards you decreased and you were missing it. You were missing the freetime you had and spent simply roaming around the Nevada desert whenever you landed. You wanted to relive that.

"Hey, Shocky?" He didn't bother turning around to face you as he continued working, not answering. But you knew he was listening. "When do you have time to hang out again?" You asked with a hopeful gaze at the back of his helm.

He ceased his movements for a moment, turned his optic toward you and said, "Most likely when I am finished with this project. I do not know how long it will take. It would be most logical of you to simply wait."

You frowned at his response and started to make your way towards the door. "Oh, okay... I'll leave you to it then..." The giant metal doors slid opened for you and closed once you passed the threshold. Shockwave knew you left but didn't bother stopping you as the project took priority. However, that doesn't mean he didn't feel more empty when you were out of the room.

And it finally seemed too much after two agonizing hours of not having you around him. He told himself he would do a quick check-up on you to ensure you were all fine. So, he left the project on his table before making his way to the bridge where he knew Soundwave would possibly still be with you.

Unsurprisingly, he was right. Well, half right. Soundwave was at the bridge, but you were nowhere to be found. Of course there had to be a reason for it, and who would know better than the slender mech himself. "Soundwave," the cyclops started as he approached the other working Decepticon, "where is (Y/N)?"

The TIC ceased his movements before typing away again, revealing groundbridge coordinates on the screen. The coordinates seemed to lead into town, close to a few stores but far away enough for a small groundbridge to go undetected. Soundwave turned his helm towards the mech behind him as he slightly lifted a servo at the screen to point at it. Shockwave gave him a puzzled look- Or at least as puzzled as one could look with a single optic for a faceplate. "Why did you send them there?"

Instead of answering with more movements, Soundwave decided to simply play a voice clip he recorded of you in your own words. "Hey, Sounders, could I maybe go to town? I need to see if I can buy some material for [...]. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out-" The audio abruptly cut of before you could explain any further. And there was information missing, most likely to keep whatever you were planning a secret from the scientist. It seemed illogical for you to be plotting something behind his back however. Thus he didn't question the TIC any further about the audio.

"When will they return?" Soundwave played another clip in response, "I'll call you when I got everything, alright? Shouldn't take more than two hours max."

And as if on cue, a sudden personalized ringtone rang out on the bridge with an image of you on the screen. Their optics glanced at the screen before Soundwave answered the call. You sounded like you were out of breath. And Shockwave was able to feel your anxiety through your bond.

"H-Heya, Sounders!" You dramatically exhaled a large portion of air before continuing in a rather quick way. "Please don't tell Shocky, but I kinda ran into some trouble and am being chased by a gang with weapons. I managed to escape unscathed, but I sadly didn't get some other things." You took another deep breath. "And as much as I wanna grab some extras, I don't think I'd be alive on my way back if I did that. At least I got enough for one."

As both mechs became concerned, Shockwave decided to speak up. "(Y/N), are you in a safe location? Do you require a groundbridge immediately?"

The voice caught you by surprise, but you were also a little relieved to hear him. "I-I'm not far enough from people yet. I'm across the street from the gang right now and they seem to have lost me. But there's an alleyway here." You then proceeded to walk down the dark alley. "I don't think there's a second gang in here so I should be-" You cut yourself off as you looked behind you with wide eyes. The fear you gave off reached the scientist instantly.

"(Y/N)? Are you alright? What happened?" Your sudden silence made them even more worried. The silence wasn't there for long though as harsh winds clashed with your phone, indicating that you were running.

"They found me! I-I can't run any longer! My bags are- are slowing me down! And they want my bags and my money! But I need them! And whAT THE FUCK- WHY?!"

Turns out the alley had a deadend.

The two mechs could faintly hear one guy say something, but it was inaudible. But they could hear one who was closer. "You're right. Why should we just take their belongings if we could have some fun with them as extra?"

While the cyclops was able to feel your hopeless anxiety already, the call managed to catch the sounds of your sniffles. You hiccuped as you whispered into your phone, "I need you, Shockwave." You usually weren't scared of most things- Hell, you made a giant alien robot fall in love with you and managed to befriend others on the warship, deeming them as family! And they wanted to cyberform the earth! But being in this situation, alone, far away from your family, with just some useless things you bought... It scared you.

And this was something that truly angered Shockwave for once. The fact that you used his actual name instead of a nickname told him how trapped you truly felt.

It sent him over the edge.

"Soundwave. Groundbridge to their coordinates. Now", he commanded firmly.

The masked mech, despite being kind of surprised by the taller mech's sudden show of emotions, did as he was told. The scientist didn't waste time in running towards the now open swirly green portal. He didn't even bother transforming and using his holoform.

These humans deserved to suffer.

By his true form's servos.

You were backed up into the deadend when you noticed a familiar green light pop up behind you. Out of instinct you moved aside as the gang stared at it, not knowing if this were special effects to scare them off. That's when you saw Shockwave step out of the portal. He took a moment to take in his surroundings before spotting you next to his pedes, shivering from shock, but still smiling up at him with teary eyes. "H-Hi, hun..."

"Go home, sweetspark. I'll meet you there."

He said. Then he watched as you somewhat clumsily sprinted through the groundbridge, two bags in hand, before he turned back towards the group of humans.

"It would be illogical of me not to dispose of lifeforms that pose a threat to my sparkmate."

What was mercy? In that moment, he couldn't recall.

While waiting, you were next to Soundwave, being comforted by his tendrils as you held onto one like a big teddy bear. Your bags were sitting behind you. Shockwave finally returned a few minutes later, groundbridge closing behind him. His servo and pedes were completely bloody. You also spotted a bit of blood on the rest of his frame- even a tiny bit on the side of his helm. He walked up to your still slightly shaken form. "Did they harm them in any way?" He asked the other mech, who previously ran a scan on you as safety precaution.

Soundwave responded with a simple "Negative" audio as he retracted his tendrils from you, now that your biggest comfort was here. You reluctantly let go of the tendril when a servo gently wrapped itself around you instead, picking you up. The purple mech didn't say another word to the shorter mech and simply walked off, all the while placing you on his shoulder pad. Sure, you were now a little bloody too, but you could just wash your clothes. While Shockwave felt the comforting relief through your bond, he still was upset about your reckless logic.

"You left the ship without my authorization or knowledge." Most would view his monotone yet commanding voice as a sign of pure anger, but you knew that he was actually worried sick.

"B-But I-" "You could have been hurt and I would not have been able to protect you. From now on, you are to stay on the warship if I'm.not accompanying you", he stated firmly, placing you on the table and coldly turning away towards his project.

Now that you were finally back in the lab, he wouldn't need to worry about you being hurt anymore, despite his spark not wanting to shut up about the slight bit of worry. However, due to you still being upset about the previous situation, you couldn't help but tear up again. You honestly didn't mean to make him mad and worried. He could feel it.

"I-I'm so s-sorry", you whispered as you hiccuped. "I-I just w-wanted to make y-you a gift..."

This caught the scientist's attention as his ear fins moved. A gift... for him? You went through the lengths of sneaking out(, despite Soundwave's knowledge of course), going to town alone, and running away from a street gang... just to make him a gift? So, naturally he demanded for an explanation for this stunt you tried to do.

You pulled your bags closer to your body as you sniffled, rummaging through one of them. "I-I bought materials f-for a self-made gift..." You then pulled out some purple fabric from the bag. Almost the same shade of purple as his frame. "I-It was supposed to be a plush toy version... of you..." A small, sheepish smile made its way onto your lips. The tears may have stopped flowing, but you still didn't feel quite comfortable in what you were presenting him. It wasn't even finished, after all. And you weren't even sure if he would like it.

"Giving me a toy version of myself is illogical." For a second, a frown replaced your smile. Thinking he didn't like the idea, you slowly starting lowering your arm in disappointment, wanting to put the fabric away again so he wouldn't have to see it.

"O-Oh, sorry... I thought-" "But, I appreciate the sentiment", Shockwave quickly added as he approached you with his servo. One digit gently trailed up and down your arm in a comforting manner. "You may still continue creating it. I am not stopping you." Him using a gentler, lower tone made you smile again. You wrapped your arms around his digit and lightly cuddled into it, saying a small "Thanks" in return.

You swore your Conjunx's optic was glowing brighter than usual.

You managed to craft a rather big plush version of Shockwave. You were able to wrap both of your arms around it and cuddle with it like a big stuffed animal. It was still severely small in the scientist's optic, but he refused to handle it any less gentle than you when picking it up. It was so much softer than you, which amazed him.

A few days after you finished up the plushie, Shockwave asked you to wait for him in his habsuite.

Turns out he wanted you to touch his spark again. It's been a long time since you've last done so, which was when you became Conjunx Endura just a couple of months ago. And due to the bond mostly being a one-sided receiving one, he wanted to show you how much he appreciated you in his life. And touching his spark was the only way for you to receive his side of the bond.

You're the only one he's ever shown his spark to in such an intimate light. And you could feel how much he adored having you be this close to him, touching the very culmination of his being ever so gently. You even gave his spark some light kisses, making him ex-vent.

Content with your moment together, he gently positioned his servo against your small back, pulling you a little closer down onto his chassis.

He wouldn't trade you for anything, not even his loyalty to Megatron and the Decepticon cause.

[ Masterlist ]

[dotster001]

Hi i don't know, if your requests are still open, if not you can ignore it or do it whenever you want.

Just readed your prompt, when reader suddenly passes out with Vil, Jamil, Floyd and Rook. I was wondering, if you could write something similar for Malleus, Lilia and maybe the teachers Trein and Crewel?

(I'm happy you enjoyed those! And I hope you like these too!)

Part One Part Three

CW:Burnout (obviously), mental breakdown/trauma in Trein's part, spoilers for Vargas training camp in Trein's part, injury in Crewel's part

A/N: I've said this in my pin post, but I age up characters to actual college age, because I am in college, and didn't realize until a few months in the characters were not. Everyone here is. 18+ If it makes you feel more comfortable, imagine this as a grad school situation.

He's been pouting a lot lately. Which for a normal person wouldn't be a problem, but Mal's pouting usually meant that the weather was bad as well. He was pouty, because whenever you had time in your incredibly busy schedule to see him, you still had to be working on your homework. With everything Crowley had you do for the school, you had to share your "dragon time" with your "homework time". But your boyfriend looked very cute pouty, so part of you wasn't too upset about it.

Until the day you were so busy with something that you hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours and just…collapsed during dragon/homework time.

Malleus immediately panics. He assumes you have had a heart attack and died (Mal…college students are unlikely to have heart attacks)  Once he finds a pulse, and sees your breathing, he scoops you up and teleports to Lilia faster than he has ever teleported.

He's sobbing as he answers Lilia's questions, not entirely certain that this wasn't something he did. Lilia easily is able to figure out what has happened, and goes to make you some soup for when you wake up. Malleus is too relieved to think about the fact that while Lilia's soup will have loads of protein, it might send you into shock. In the meantime, he puts a cool cloth on your forehead, and caresses your cheek.

After you wake up and barely survive the soup Malleus spoon feeds you he tucks you into his massive comfy bed (you can't tell me he doesn't have the fluffiest comforters) and then…vanishes.

From here on out, everytime you get a task from Crowley, it's already finished by the time you get around to it. It's weird, but it means you have time to keep homework separate from "dragon time". Which makes a certain fae very happy.

Lilia has spent years learning how to care for humans, especially since most of them *cough* Silver *cough cough* Y/N are not good at caring for themselves.  While his recipes are terrible, he is right in some ways about making sure to get all your nutrients. While it can feel a little patronizing sometimes, he is right that you need sleep. While he is a little unorthodox in how he has fun, he's right that you need to have leisure time and do things you enjoy.

What you don't know is that behind the scenes Lilia has already been having regular arguments with a certain Crow about your workload. When two fae fight, it's never good, but you don't have to worry about what's going on.

Azul and the tweels get called back home out of nowhere, and now you're in charge of all the paperwork that he is usually in charge of handling, both for the lounge and for the other Housewarden's. Lilia sees less and less of his sweet human, and he's suspicious part of it is because you are avoiding him, knowing full well he would make you take a break.

He has to admit, your avoiding skills are actually pretty good. So he's not actually there when you collapse. And he's furious. Especially when he finds out that Crowley also decided to add his own paperwork to your ever growing pile. He only knows you collapsed when he hears some randos gossiping about how "the prefect collapsed running laps today, and the idiot duo had to walk them to the infirmary." He's immediately flying to the infirmary, powered by his pure rage.

He knows it's not your fault, especially since you have nothing to your name in this world, so it's easy to manipulate you into this position. So he does his best not to take his anger out on you as he watches you sip apple juice that the nurse gave you, while you do your best to keep your eyes open. Once he is certain that the nurse has things under control, he kisses your forehead, and asks you if you want him to bring you anything.

While he's out getting you a treat, he makes a stop at a certain Crow's office. From here on out you don't see a lot of him. You are a little worried that Lilia may have killed him, but everytime you ask him, he giggles and messes up your hair, before telling you how silly that is.

He's harder on you than he is on most of his students, partially so that no one can claim favoritism, partially because you are just so far behind in history (having it not be your history) that he has to give you extra work and lessons to catch you up. But as a trade off, he tries to be a step ahead of Crowley whenever he can. There's little that happens in the school that he's unaware of, so he's usually able to protect you from his foolish boss.

Until you get sent to the training camp with the sports clubs to assist Vargas. He's furious about this last minute decision, that Crowley conveniently forgot to tell him about, and he's even more angry when he later finds out that you were "kidnapped" and then immediately had to fight a creature in the mines. 

Naturally, your mental health is not so great after the trip. He's starting to see it on your face when you both hang out, and even if he didn't, your work for his class is deteriorating, if you even turn it in at all. 

Then you break down one day when he asks you about it. He can't understand a word you're saying as you sob and yell and shake. But he's pretty sure he has the idea. You've been pushed too far. He sends Lucius to fetch a nurse or counselor , or heck he's sure even Sam would have something to help you relax enough to just breathe. In the meantime, he wraps his arms around you and tries to walk you through breathing exercises, while whispering some praises to you that you can't comprehend in this state, but appreciate all the same.

After someone gives you a potion that helps you relax a little, he leaves you to rest on his office couch with Lucius in charge, and he holds a meeting with the rest of that staff about what's not appropriate to put people through. (Essentially it's Crewel and Trein yelling at Vargas and Crowley about trauma and what their job is supposed to be) 

This never happens again. You continue to have extra work from Trein, but he always ensures he makes time to help you, or give you a soothing tea if he thinks you're starting to drop back into the bad mental state. If you do, he holds you close, and says nothing, while allowing you to spill whatever is plaguing you. 

Prior to him dating you, you had denied his request many times to financially sponsor you. Now that you were together, it was harder to come up with an excuse for him not to. So he'd purchased Ramshackle and renovated it. He'd taken up the expenses for your schooling and food (after much argument  he'd also taken up Grim's) and after several discussions about the future of your relationship, he'd begun helping you through the process of becoming a citizen in a world that had no proof of your existence (a pain and a half, but there was nothing he wouldn't do for his beloved pup). In doing all this, he'd made it very clear to the Headmage that he had no hold over you, and therefore couldn't coerce you into anything.

Divus knew he was a fool for leaving you alone for a week. He had assumed that Crowley had nothing on you anymore, and that he could go help a smaller fashion designer that showed a lot of promise get their career off the ground. At first he was only going to be gone for a week, but it quickly turned into two, then three. He should have recognized the tension in your voice when you'd asked him over the phone when he thought he'd be back. 

When he finally returned, he thought he'd surprise you by showing up where he knew you'd be hanging out with your friends. He'd bought a ring for you that he was particularly pleased with, and he wanted you to have it as soon as possible. His plan was dashed as he watched you collapse into Howl, who immediately started to panic.

With a clear voice Divus took over the scene, picking you up and carrying you to his office where he had all manner of potions. As he pressed one to your lips, he noticed a cast on your arm. He'd ask about it later. 

When you woke up, you wrapped your arms around him, and whispered how much you missed him. He asked what happened, and you tell him how you broke your arm in yet another overblot incudent, and had been working like crazy for Crowley to pay off the medical expenses. 

You've never been scared of your lover. But his eyes were practically glowing with rage, and now you were starting to wonder if you should be scared. Divus does not accept cruelty to animals or humans. And, he keeps his receipts. It's not long before there's a pretty hefty case and Dire is removed as headmage for coercion and endangerment. After that, there aren't any more overblot incidents and the students seem more mentally healthy. How about that?

He decides to wait to give you the ring until you're fully recovered after everything. But he's certain when he asks you the question that comes with it, you'll have an answer he likes. Especially when you nuzzle into him so sweetly while you nap in his office.

....

Tag list-@shytastemakerthing @stygianoir @leonia0 @lleoll

[atlabeth]

everything happens for a reason part 22 - zuko x fem!reader

I've been waiting on you

part 21 | masterlist | part 23

a/n: UHHH happy one year anniversary of me not updating!! i missed it by a day but honestly that's very in character. i kind of have no excuse for taking a year long break from this. lol. all i can really say is i lost all my avatar inspo and got really into a bunch of other things and poor little ehfar got left in the corner abandoned!!! but i could never abandon this it's my baby and even if it takes me 1000 years to finish it i will finish it. it's kind of embarrassing that it took so long for this to come out and it's a short filler chapter like who do i think i am.... but everyone is happy and on the beach and yn finally gets some clothes of her own after spending like 7 chapters in prison clothes. anyways enjoy (three more chapters left what?? will it take me 3 years who knows)

wc: 4.8k

warning(s): yn and zuko talk about their pasts and what theyve been through but overall this is a very fluffy chapter

chapter title from seasons (waiting on you) by future islands

The days after their arrival back to the island passed by with relative ease. 

Y/N practiced waterbending with Katara and Aang so she could work on getting the hang of it again. She’d been close to mastery before Ba Sing Se, and her muscle memory was stronger than she realized, but prison and the months without her bending had weakened her. Zuko continued working with Aang on his firebending under the looming deadline of the comet.

Sokka and Suki trained with each other too, working on their hand to hand and sword fighting, and Y/N would occasionally join in to stay sharp on what Suki had taught her back in prison. Her time without her bending made her realize how much she relied solely on it, and she never wanted to feel defenseless again. 

They continued to share stories every night over a campfire. They all had plenty to talk about after everything they’d been through, especially when Zuko had been against them for half the time, Suki was leading the Kyoshi Warriors, and Y/N was stuck behind bars. 

And of course, Zuko and Y/N spent as much time together as they possibly could. They were practically attached at the hip—sitting together at meals, watching one another bend on their breaks, training against each other the way they used to, exploring the island together, just being with each other. After everything they’d been through, Y/N thought they deserved it. 

Eventually though, it was decided that they had to leave. Being in Fire Nation territory, even in the middle of nowhere, was risky. They were running out of food and supplies in general, and the possibility that Fire Nation ships would still somehow discover them weighed on their minds. They couldn’t afford to get caught so far into their mission, especially with the traitor prince of the Fire Nation on their side. 

Zuko’s idea, however, was possibly even riskier. 

“Ember Island?” Y/N asked hesitantly. “That’s… bold.” 

“We’re already being bold by staying in Fire Nation territory,” Zuko said. “We’re safe from Azula for now, but it’s only a matter of time before she somehow finds us again.” He shrugged. “My family’s vacation home is the last spot anyone will think to look.” 

“I think it’s a great idea,” Sokka said. “It’ll be nice to not fight for our lives for a minute before we make the final push.” 

Aang adjusted his hold on the reins—they’d already packed up Appa and started flying before Zuko proposed his idea—and shrugged. “I’m okay with it. Zuko and I will be able to keep training, and you all can relax in an actual house.”

“And we’ll be able to go to the beach!” Toph exclaimed. “I’ve been meaning to work on my sandbending. And,” she grinned, “I’m betting none of you have heard of sandball fights.”

“We’re really getting ourselves into something,” Katara said dryly. 

Y/N smiled and she leaned into Zuko’s side. He wrapped his arm around her immediately and pulled her closer.

“I’ve always wondered what Ember Island was like,” Y/N mused. “I was always so jealous when you and Azula got to go there on vacation every summer and I was stuck at the palace.” 

“You weren’t missing much,” Zuko said wryly. “Yeah, there’s beaches, but mostly it was just unbearably hot.” He frowned. “My father still made me do work even when we were supposed to be on vacation. I’ve done a lot of swordfighting here.” 

“I missed you,” she said, and she knew that she would never get tired of seeing Zuko’s cheeks flush red. 

“Really?” he asked. “Even then?” 

“Especially then,” she clarified. “It wasn’t like I had much going on for me there. The palace was extremely boring without you.” 

“Spirits, you guys are gross,” Sokka groaned as he looked out at the sky. “Suki and I haven’t been like this, have we?” 

Katara chuckled. “You definitely have. You could barely stay off of each other when you got back from the Boiling Rock.” 

“Just imagine what they were like when they first got back together,” Zuko said with a frown. 

“Neither of you can say anything,” Toph asserted. “I can hear both of your heartbeats shoot up every time you’re around Y/N and Suki.” 

Zuko scowled, Sokka’s face flushed, and Suki and Y/N just smiled at each other. 

“So Ember Island is a yes?” Aang asked. When everyone nodded in agreement, he looked at Zuko. “I’m in need of your navigation skills, Sifu Hotman.” 

He groaned. “I told you to stop calling me that.” 

“I know,” Aang said cheerfully. 

Zuko just sighed, and he kissed Y/N on the cheek before he moved to sit next to Aang. She smiled, and she let her hand hang over the side of the saddle. 

“...I guess it is nice not seeing you two argue all the time,” Sokka said after a moment. 

“It’s nice that you two aren’t moping around all the time either,” Toph added. “That was kind of annoying.” 

“Imagine how I felt,” Y/N said, though it was absent minded as her gaze stayed on Zuko. 

“I don’t have to imagine it,” Toph said. “You were very clearly mopey.” 

“And when you weren’t mopey, you were angry,” Suki contributed. “You said you were imagining Zuko’s face whenever I taught you new moves at the Boiling Rock. You beat him up a lot there.” 

Sokka and Toph laughed, but it was a moment before she said anything. It took Katara saying her name for her to turn back around, and when Y/N did, she blinked for a moment. “What?” 

Katara chuckled, glancing at Zuko before she looked back at her. “We’re just glad you’re back.” 

Her expression instantly brightened as she smiled. “I’m glad to be back.” 

-

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at Ember Island—and if it did, Y/N was far too busy conversing with her friends and watching Zuko for it to matter. She grimaced as she slid off of Appa, one hand taking Zuko’s and the other wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead. 

“Spirits,” she mumbled, “I thought I was used to Fire Nation heat by now.” 

“Me too,” Sokka groaned. “But this is already worse than all the other places we’ve been to.” 

“Ember Island’s always been like this,” Zuko said. “The good news is that it’s Ember Island. There’s plenty of beaches—we’ve even got our own private one.” 

“Good for practicing waterbending,” Katara said with a glance at Aang. 

“Good for practicing all kinds of bending,” Zuko said. “You’re gonna need to practice your firebending every day if you want to stand a chance against my father. We’re running out of time and you’re nowhere close to being a master.” 

Aang frowned. “Way to bring down the mood, Zuko.” 

“I’m being realistic!” he defended. “You can’t just end one hundred years of war with some good luck and an optimistic mindset!” 

Sokka shrugged. “It’s worked for us so far.” 

Zuko opened his mouth to say something that would definitely cause an argument. Before he could, Y/N laughed, looping her arm through his and tugging him along. 

“Come on,” she said. “Show us around.” 

Zuko sighed, though his show of annoyance was negated as he pulled Y/N closer. “Fine. It is about time I’ve brought you here.” 

“Ugh.” Toph kicked at the sand with her foot. “I think Zuko’s just brought us along on his couples vacation.” 

“Oh, quiet,” she joked. “We’ve earned it.” 

Toph stuck her tongue out. “Doesn’t mean we can’t complain about it.” 

Y/N chuckled as they walked together, the rest of the group trailing behind them. 

“Spirits, Zuko,” Sokka marveled when they stepped inside the house. “This is huge.” 

“It is the summer home of the royal family,” he said dryly. “My father never settles for anything less than perfection. It also gave us more room to avoid each other when he was causing arguments.” 

“I can’t imagine that happened a lot,” Katara said sarcastically. 

“Never,” Zuko agreed with the same tone. “He almost burned down the place a few times.” 

Aang frowned. “Sounds like a great guy.” 

“I know you’re not a violence guy, but if there’s anyone you’d enjoy fighting, it’s my dad,” Zuko muttered. 

“I’ll do it for the good of the world,” Aang said. “Not because I’ll enjoy it.” 

Zuko grimaced and opened his mouth to say something, but Y/N interrupted once more before they could devolve into this conversation again. 

“Like Sokka said, this place is huge.” She placed a hand on Zuko’s arm. “Will we have our own rooms?” 

Zuko’s brows creased a bit, but he nodded after a moment. “Yeah. There should be enough for all of us.” 

“Suki and I can share,” Sokka said, stretching his arms out casually to reach one around Suki. She laughed and leaned her head against his chest, and he looked far too pleased with himself. “Tryna make up for lost time, y’know?” 

“Gross,” Toph scoffed. “I’ll take my own room, please.” 

Aang glanced at Katara for a moment before he cleared his throat and nodded at Zuko. “Yeah. Me too.” 

Katara was too busy looking at a mask sitting on a mantle. She picked it up and glanced back at Zuko. “What is this from?” 

“One of my mother’s favorite plays,” he said. “She was an actress before she married my father, and every time we came here, we’d always go see some shows. They gave her the mask of the lead character after the end of one production a few years ago, as thanks for her patronage.” 

“Oh, we should definitely go see a play while we’re here!” Y/N exclaimed. “I got my hands on some old play scripts when I was still working in the palace, and the other servants and I would spend hours reenacting our favorite parts.” She chuckled. “It would be nice to see actual actors do it.” 

“We should be able to carve out some time for that,” Zuko said. “Between all the training, of course.” 

“You are such a downer,” Aang groaned. 

“I’m seeing the full picture!” he defended. “We’ve still got a lot of work to do—just because we’re at our vacation home doesn’t mean we’re on vacation.”

“After all this is over, we definitely deserve a vacation,” Sokka muttered. “Before all the rebuilding and restructuring and relegislating starts…” The smile fell from his face. “Wow. We’re never gonna get a vacation.” 

“Oh, perk up, ponytail,” Toph said. “We’re going to end the endless war and defeat the undefeatable Fire Lord. If we want to take a vacation, no one can really stop us.” 

The smile reappeared with surprising quickness. “That’s true!” 

Zuko laughed softly. “Your rooms should be on the first floor. You can explore and divide the rooms yourselves. I,” he looked at Y/N, “want to show you something.”

She smiled as Zuko pulled her closer with an arm around her shoulder and made for the stairs, leaving a rapidly growing argument over room selection in their wake. 

“Do you think they’ll have decided by the time we get back down?” Zuko asked. 

Y/N shrugged. “This is the first time they’re sleeping in rooms instead of camping on the ground in… Spirits. Since Ba Sing Se, I think. I wouldn’t be surprised if they go at it all night.” 

He chuckled as they stopped in front of a room, and Zuko pushed open the door so they could walk in together. 

“This was my room whenever we came here,” he said. “I figured we could share it.” 

“This is the height of luxury,” Y/N commented, stepping out of Zuko’s embrace to run her hand over the sheets. Her lips quirked into a smile. “I can’t believe you slept on a bed like this every night.” 

“You’re telling me they don’t have this kind of stuff in the North?” Zuko asked wryly. 

“No,” she chuckled, “definitely not. We were more focused on not freezing.” 

“Well, we’re more focused on pointless displays of luxury,” he said, “so you’re not too far off.” 

Zuko ignited the tip of his finger and began lighting candles around the room, and Y/N glanced at him with amusement as she sat down on the bed. 

“Mood lighting,” he explained with the sliver of a smile. “I think we deserve some time alone after the past few days.” 

She pressed a hand to her chest. “You know the way straight to my heart.” 

Once he was done he sat down next to her, and Y/N intertwined their hands together and pulled him down so they were laying on their backs. She rested her head on Zuko’s chest and he moved his arm around her to keep her close, tracing lazy circles on her shoulder. 

“Wonderful mattress,” she sighed. “So this was what you were up to while I was sewing clothes and doing endless loads of laundry.” 

“I thought about you a lot more than you probably think,” Zuko said. She turned her head a bit to look at him, slightly surprised, and he shrugged. “Honestly? When we were kids, I thought about you pretty much constantly. My father always told me not to talk to servants, but I didn’t see you as anything other than my friend. You were… kind of my only normal friend.” 

“Well, you were kind of my only friend, period. All the other servants were way older—they just felt like a different version of my mom.” Y/N’s gaze rose to the ceiling. “I wonder how they’re all doing.” 

“They should be okay,” Zuko said. “No one really caused as much trouble as we did.” 

Y/N laughed as her gaze flitted around the room, taking in all the details. A portrait of the royal family hung on the wall, while a much smaller, lone portrait of Zuko sat on a desk in the corner. He didn’t look very happy, but she couldn’t imagine sitting for that many paintings as a child was fun. What looked to be a half-finished message sat on the desk, the ends of the scroll rolling up and obscuring most of the inked letters. A neat stack of towels and blankets were on top of a clothing chest in the other corner, and she chuckled a bit. In her experience of doing his laundry in their youth, it seemed to be something he still hadn’t grown out of. 

“I can practically see little Zuko running in here after a day at the beach,” she mused. “The ends of his clothes singed from fighting with Azula, his hair drenched from swimming, getting sand all over the sheets.” 

“I wasn’t that messy of a child,” he complained. “I… I did come home with my clothes singed a couple times, though.” 

She chuckled. “I know. My mother had to fix a lot of your outfits because of it.” 

“It’s not my fault that ‘hide and blast’ was her idea of fun!” he defended. 

“Hide and blast?” 

“One person hides, the other person searches. By… blasting fire everywhere.” Zuko shook his head. “I don’t know all kids around the Fire Nation were as crazy as us or if Azula invented it herself.�� 

“...Yeah,” Y/N said with a slight laugh. “We definitely didn’t play that in my village.” 

“Of course you didn’t,” he said. “None of you were firebenders.” 

“I was the only waterbender in the village though,” she said. “There were a couple other earthbender kids, but it made me feel so special. We would always play together and try to mix our bending together.” A small yet wistful smile tugged at her lips. “That feels like forever ago, though.” 

“I know what you mean,” Zuko murmured. “I was banished three years ago, but a lifetime has changed since then.” 

“For the better?” Y/N murmured. 

She could feel Zuko nod. “Definitely.” 

Their door was then pushed open more, and Suki poked her head in through the gap. A grin appeared on her face at their closeness. 

“I see the lovebirds are making themselves at home,” she mused. 

Y/N laughed as she sat up, pulling Zuko with her. She smiled at the sight of his flushed cheeks. “We’re trying.” 

“We believe in knocking here in the Fire Nation,” Zuko grumbled. 

“The door was open,” Suki said cheerfully. “And I’d like to steal your girl for an afternoon outing.” 

Her eyebrows shot up. “What for?” 

“Well, I’d like to explore the island some, and I figure we’re the lowest profile out of our whole group,” she said. “We’ve also missed out on some shopping while we were stuck in prison—we’ve gotta get our hands on some Fire Nation clothes.” 

Y/N’s eyes lit up. “That’s a great idea! Leya’s dress is beautiful, but Earth Kingdom clothing sticks out a bit more than I want.” 

“And I’m in literal prison clothes,” Suki said. “The sooner we’re in red, the better.” 

“That’s… probably smart,” Zuko amended. “There’s some gold pieces in my bag. It should be more than enough for both of you.” 

“Are you sure?” Y/N frowned. “You don’t have to—” 

“You think I didn’t take a bunch of money from the palace before I left?” Zuko asked wryly. “Don’t worry about it.” 

Suki’s smile grew. “Just call it reparations.” 

Zuko huffed a laugh, but Y/N cut him off as she pulled him in for a kiss. 

“You’ll be alright while we’re gone?” 

“Of course,” he said. “This is my home, after all. If anything, I should be asking you that.” 

“I’ve got the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors with me,” Y/N said. “If anyone decides to mess with us, it’s going to be their problem—not ours.” 

Suki laughed and gestured with her head, and Y/N stood up and started walking backwards. “I’ll see you later—try to have some fun here.” 

“I don’t have fun,” he called out as she was walking out, and she just shook her head with a smile. 

“You’re really dating a ball of sunshine there, aren’t you?” Suki joked. 

Y/N bit back her growing smile. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

-

The rest of the day went by in a breeze. 

Y/N and Suki spent a few hours in town, chatting and shopping and even doing some reconnaissance at the end, just to make sure they were truly undercover at the vacation home. Doing rookie spy work with a Kyoshi Warrior was surprisingly just as fun as the shopping part—and after what she and Zuko did to free her village, it was surprisingly easy. 

The sun was still high in the sky when they got back, dressed head to toe in Fire Nation finery. Zuko and Aang were in the midst of training when the two of them went around back to find their friends, and when he saw Y/N, his fire died out and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. 

(“Yeah,” Zuko had stammered when she asked his opinion, “You look really good.”

“Thanks,” she said, and she felt the heat rush to her cheeks. “I feel pretty good.”

“Fire Nation clothes suit you,” he said, and he pulled her into a kiss. “It’s about time you’ve gotten some.”

“Technically, I wore them for a few months,” she said wryly. “Prison clothes and all.”

Zuko scoffed. “That doesn’t count.”

“And I wore them for most of my childhood,” she mused. “Servant clothes and all.” 

“That counts even less!” he insisted. 

“But thank you,” Y/N finally said with a smile. “I was hoping you would like them.” 

It was an effort to bite back her joy every time Zuko would sneak a look at her while they continued their training.) 

The rest of the day was just mostly spent getting used to everything. The last time the vacation home had been occupied was when Zuko, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee visited, so a lot of adjustments needed to be made. 

Katara insisted on washing all the sheets, and Y/N decided to join in because of her waterbending—Aang wanted to talk with Katara, Zuko wanted to be with Y/N, Toph wanted to ask him a bunch of questions about Ember Island, and Sokka didn’t want to be left out, so soon enough, the seven of them were all sitting on the steps of the house doing laundry and telling stories. 

Soon enough, the sun had set and the house had been cleaned what felt like ten times over. Everyone had retired to their own devices except for Y/N and Zuko, who were walking along the shore arm in arm. 

“I think I like beaches,” she mused. “The nearest ocean had no beach back home, and all we had in the North was ice. You Fire Nation folk are lucky.” 

Zuko chuckled. “I don’t know if it’s luck. We’re just one big island with a lot of humidity.” 

“Still,” she leaned her head on his shoulder, “it’s nice. We should visit here together once all this is over.” 

“Of course,” he nodded. “I know I’m going to be the Fire Lord if all goes well, but there’s going to be a lot of diplomacy trips.” She felt his eyes on her. “You can join me on all of them.” 

“Of course,” she repeated. “The Fire Lord’s Earth Kingdom-born, waterbending girlfriend will be so welcome.” 

“If you’ve learned one thing through all of this, it should be that I don’t care what anyone thinks when it comes to you,” Zuko said. “I want you there with me. You want to be there with me. That’s reason enough.” 

Y/N chuckled, and she ran her thumb over Zuko’s knuckles. His hands housed callouses, borne from hundreds of hours of explosive firebending and sword-fighting and years of life on the road. She always wondered how hands that treated her so softly, that revered her, were so capable of violence. 

“I know there’s going to be a lot of expectations for us,” she said. “Especially once you take the throne. But I— I’d like to take things as slow as we can.” 

“Of course.” Zuko squeezed her hand, his brows creasing. “I don’t care what anyone says or wants or expects. I love you, Y/N—we’ll go at our own pace.” 

“It’s just because we’ve spent the past year trying to kill each other,” Y/N said with a nervous laugh. “If we could spend this next year being in love with each other, that would be really great.” 

That actually got a laugh out of Zuko, and he gestured with his head towards the sand. When they sat down, he pulled her into his side. They fit perfectly together. 

“Don’t worry,” he murmured. “I think we’ve already gotten a headstart on that.”

“Good,” she said. 

Y/N sighed as she moved closer into Zuko’s embrace, his warmth a shield from the cool night breeze. She’d always run cold, and having a personal hearth made things much easier. 

“I wish we didn’t have to go through so much to end up with each other,” she murmured. 

“Believe me,” Zuko sighed, “I know.” 

“But my mother always told me that everything happens for a reason,” Y/N said. “And… I guess she’s right. Because I don’t think we would be here if all this hadn’t happened.” Something inside of her twisted, and though she tried to suppress it, the words came out before she could really think about it. “And sometimes I— I wonder why I’m still here.” 

He frowned slightly, allowing a short glance down at her. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean… you know what I’ve had to go through to get here. My village, the palace, the North, this journey with Aang, the capital prison, the Boiling Rock…” she shook her head. “Countless others have died or gotten hurt trying to protect me or save me. Our group— we were the first ones ever to escape from the Boiling Rock. So why do I get to be here? Why is my father gone, but I’m still here? I don’t deserve it more than he did. I certainly don’t deserve it more than Yue. So… I don’t know. Sometimes I just can’t understand why I’m the one that got to make it when so many others haven’t.” 

“Don’t say that,” Zuko urged. 

“It’s not the way you think,” Y/N said honestly. “It just feels like we’ve beaten every single odd.” 

“Maybe we have,” he said, “but it’s certainly not out of luck, or chance.” Zuko took her hand and intertwined their fingers together, giving her hand a squeeze. “You fought every step of the way to get here—a lot of the time, you were fighting against me. You’ve earned every good thing you’ve gotten, Y/N, and I think I might spend the rest of my life trying to be someone worthy of you.” 

“Zuko,” she lamented, “you already are.” 

“It’s not the way you think,” he echoed wryly. “I’ve loved you since the beginning, and despite everything, you still love me too. You kept giving me chances because you believed in me for some stupid reason. I wouldn’t be where I am without that—without you. I want to be the best version of myself every day so you know you made the right choice.” 

Y/N felt the heat rush to her cheeks as she smiled, squeezing his hand back. Nowadays, they were almost always touching in some way. Tonight reminded her why—she never felt more comforted, more at peace, then when she was with Zuko. 

“You… kind of just hit my next point,” she said with a nervous chuckle, curling into his side further. 

“Don’t tell me it’s more self-doubt,” Zuko said. 

“I can’t help it!” she defended. “I— I just have to make sure.” 

“Of what?” 

“That…” Y/N paused, her mouth suddenly dry. “That I’m still the one you want. Even after all that’s happened. After all that’s going to happen.” 

Zuko frowned, and he took her other hand, lacing their fingers together.  “Of course. Y/N, it’s always been you. It’s been true forever, even if I haven’t always known it.” 

“It’s not going to be easy,” she said softly. “I’m Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom. Your people aren’t just going to accept that, especially with you as their leader.” 

Zuko actually laughed at that, and he gave her a sideways smile. Months ago, staring into his hardened eyes used to bring her close to tears. Seeing him smile now, reassuring doubts that seemed so pointless in the face of his love—even after everything, Y/N considered herself the luckiest girl in the world. 

“Y/N, we’ve gone across the whole world doing things no one ever has,” Zuko said. “The seven of us are going to end a war that’s been going on for a century. Aang is going to defeat my father, and he shouldn’t even be alive. We’ve beat every single odd against us. I think getting my people to like you will be the easiest thing we have to handle.” 

“You think so?” she asked. The tension had dissolved some from her shoulders, her worries dissuading with each honeyed word. 

“I know so,” Zuko assured. “I’m gonna have to change the Fire Nation from the ground up. There’s no one else I’d want by my side while I do it. My people will see you the way I do, and they’ll love you just as much.” 

Y/N leaned closer and pressed a kiss to his lips. Sometimes she still couldn’t get over the fact that she could just… do that. Just kiss him, just smile with him, just be happy with him. Yue shone down on them as she pulled away, Zuko’s features glowing in the moonlight, and Y/N hoped her friend knew she was so much of the reason she’d gotten here. 

Happiness seemed out of reach, out of her cards entirely, for such a long time, and when she had it, it always felt like such a precarious thing. Sometimes she still remembered those days in the tea shop, the night in the catacombs. 

But with Zuko finally by her side, it was a tangible thing. Something she deserved. Something she already had. 

“We’ll do it all together,” she murmured. 

“Together,” Zuko agreed. 

And she laid back down on the sand, bringing Zuko with her. He pulled her closer, tucked into his side as he wrapped his arm around her. They laid there in silence, Zuko’s warmth heating her from the inside out, staring up at the starry night sky and reveling in the feeling of just being with each other. 

Together.

-

i'll tag ppl here because it's been uhhhhhh fucking YEAR and everyone's prob forgotten it exists and i also did tag lists while this was coming out but please do not ask to be added bc i dont do them anymore!!

ehfar tags: @chandies-sideblog @zacatecanaaaa @anzanity @randomthingssssss @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @shanksfav @shephard17895 @ilovespideyyy @whats-my-question @selfship-mishaps @ilistentotayswifttocope @i-make-questionable-choices @3leni @thatobsessedreader @lostgreekgod @oriontingz @zerode-unhinged @badpvn @mimi-sanisanidiot @adhdhufflepuff @aquaamethyst96 @hollyismentallyillhelp @holypoetrygarden @islandgayneery @pitrii-petra @jinxed-jk @veras-fanfic-reblogs @cloud-9ine @lucifersidepiece @kiskzawagnerwhore @froggi-00 @eajalova @mrsyixingunicorn10 @xxxxxxdelenaxxxxxx @cafesho @the-natureofme @whoevenfrickinknows @a-bit-late @zukowantshishonourback @settlebackeasy @jemssafespace @wildwallflower24 @calmoistorm @mich1551-blog @inutheangel @sagemastah @avrilh

[chloeangelic]

I’ve spent the past week getting slandered in this community with not a shred of evidence, proof, or receipts of me being a mean girl, “Wish Regina George”, a bully, an asshole, someone who spends more time answering anons than I do writing, or any of the other things I’ve seen people say about me out of absolutely fucking nowhere, seemingly because people have grievances towards Gracie that I know nothing about. I appreciate everyone who has checked in on me and asked how I’m doing. 

ETA: I have spoken to one of the people who posted statements and anons about me and we have squashed the beef. The statements made about me have been debunked and they have deleted their posts. Please leave me and my friends alone - I've gotten harassed directly and indirectly by anons and posts for two months and I'm tired. I'm not gonna prostrate myself and try to convince the internet that I'm a good person when I know I've done my best to always be kind and respectful in this community. My words will inevitably be twisted and I feel paralyzed. The damage to my reputation has already been done.

This is the only time I’ll address this, and my anons will not be turned back on because this is literally slander and a waste of everyone’s time. I’ve seen multiple vague posts about me as well and I’ve chosen to ignore it all, but it gets to a point where it feels like bullying and I’m done with it. When someone goes on tumblr live to rehash the same shallow shit talking post about me (i.e. talking shit about people they’re accusing of talking shit), that’s when I feel like my limit has been crossed, and since that same live devolved into an advertisement for the host’s own writing… This no longer reads like vigilante justice. 

Let me get one thing straight: I am here to write about dick, cock and that old man. I am extremely grateful for the friends I’ve made along the way, and I am beyond appreciative for my readers who support me and who like what I come up with. I am 27 years old, I have a fulltime job, and this is one of my hobbies. If you think I’m going to spend my time in a fandom spamming group chats and being catty, I literally don’t know what to tell you. The few uncomfortable situations I’ve had on here have been addressed and squashed very quickly, whether that’s misunderstandings, accusations or anything else. In a creative space, you are bound to butt heads with people occasionally, or have people who dislike you, and that is fine. I know I have an aloof persona on here, I don’t expect everyone to like me. 

I didn’t block anyone up until two days ago when this tumblr live host posted three anon asks in a row about me, and I decided to block the people who seemingly agreed with anons insisting I’m a mean girl, asshole etc. cause why the fuck wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t anyone? I don’t understand why on earth they’re so mad about me blocking them if they dislike me so much already. My shit is still on ao3 if they want to read it. 

I don’t know what my mutuals do in their own DM’s, or group chats they’re in that I don’t participate in, because I stay in my lane and I spend my time writing. Of course I don’t condone bad behavior but how am I supposed to know what happens in GCs and servers I’m literally not in? Or conversations in servers where I’m not active? I have not witnessed any of my mutuals talking shit in any GCs, period. That’s all I can say. Additionally, this whole big/elite writers discord people were talking about a while ago - if that exists, I wasn’t even invited lmfao how’s that for being a big writer? 

One anon said I was an asshole when they tried to have a conversation with me months back, and I assume this was my Rendezvous anon who I was snarky to cause they were snarky to me. I make it very clear that I have limited patience for anons, and when people in my comments respond back to them, they are responding to a statement that is separate from the person who sent it. 

I am not entertaining this insanity any further than this. I will continue to post my old man porn and interact with my mutuals and reblog gif sets of that same old man cause that’s what I’m on here for. If you don’t like me, you are well within your rights, I assume you have your reasons, and that is ultimately none of my business. Everyone has the right to curate their own experience on a website like this. 

Love, 

Daddy

[ndeyebaby]

You're Already Home

I feel like a topic that comes up in the manifesting community that is prominent, but never quite approached correctly (at least from what I've seen) is the idea of having to get rid of your subconscious past/beliefs.

Most of us were groomed into thinking that life was hard, and that we have to work hard to overcome it. Some of us, including myself, came from a background of hardship, bullying, and abuse.

I think some of us, when finding out the law and finding out about "subconscious reprogramming", are led to believe that because of our hard past, we need to work even harder than the average person to get everything we want. This is what I believed early on in my journey, so I would try my best to affirm all day and listen to subliminals to "fix" my mindset, and where did that get me? Nowhere.

I spent MONTHS trying to do this, even wholeheartedly at times. Now I know better and I'm here to tell you that's BS. Our true nature is one of Love and Power. It's like that story of the prodigal son in the Bible - the son goes away, blows all of his money (to equate this to the situation at hand, is raised in a non-faithful background), ends up slaving away (dwelling in that old state.) Finally, he comes home, and his father, who represents the I AM and God within us, embraces him and dresses him in new clothes and showers him with all his love.

The second you decide to embrace that love, that I AM within you, you will be in your desired state. There's no barriers you need to cross or obstacles in your way - no. It's all about placing your attention and INTENTION on being the person that you want to be. There's no extra work or process needed. Why? Because your desired timeline or ending already exists. You will it to be so, and it is so.

The only "work" you need to be doing imo is learning to let go of the past. Forgive and love yourself and others, realize that you are simply an eternal being with a human experience. Don't judge yourself on whether you've lived well or not, for all the same anyway. Focus ONLY on what serves you and want you want to experience on that world.

I'll close this little ramble with a quote from Nisargadatta Maharaj -

Having never left the house, you are looking for the way home.

[drearycrow]

hiya! Can you do 3 & 6 for Poe and ranpo? (sorry i’m not good at request making😞) also it’s time to take a breather, stretch, And get water +food and make yourself feel like you :)

Notes: I wasn't sure if you wanted sfw or nsfw so I went with sfw for now. I can do nsfw separately if you would like. I went off on the fluff in this one. This is the most tooth-rotting fluff I've written so far. I wrote this at like 2 am so my apologies if there are some errors in there.

🦝Poe🦝

Poe walks into his mansion after hanging out with Ranpo all day. He walks through the hallways of his lavish house trying to look for you. "Darling are you home?" No answer. Poe starts to get worried and checks every room. You always tell him if you are going out. Once he got to the third floor, he heard muffled crying coming from your shared bedroom. He opens the door a bit and peeks through. "Darling is that you?" He sees you curled up in a ball on the bed crying. He opens the door fully and runs to you. "What's wrong my dear?" Poe rubs your back to comfort you. Your head turns to look at Poe. "Oh so now you decide to come home? I hope you had fun with Ranpo. I bet you two had lots of fun together." You sniffle as you try to calm down. "How could you forget our anniversary?" Poe looks at you with guilt. He feels awful for not spending time with you on your special day. He sighs before speaking up. "I apologize for not spending time with you today but I have a good reason." He holds your hand. "The reason why I was gone all day with Ranpo was because of this." Poe gets on one knee and pulls out a small box from his coat. He opens it to reveal a beautiful ring. "My darling you have been with me through hell and back. You've always been by my side helping me with my novels, comforting me when I'm stressed and taking care of Karl. You are my muse, my beautiful angel. Will you marry me?" Poe smiles at you waiting for your response. You stare at him, too stunned to say anything back. Poe gets nervous when you don't say anything back immediately. "Look if you don't want to marry me it's completely fine. I will-" You cut off Poe mid sentence by hugging him tightly. "Of course I want to marry you. You're the only person I want." Poe smiles when he looks at you. He holds your hand and puts the ring on your finger. A golden ring with a light purple gem on top. The rest of the evening is spent with you two baking a cake, celebrating your undying love for one another.

🍭Ranpo🍭

You arrived home after working on a case for a week. You've been out of town and it feels nice to be back home and spend time with your boyfriend. The keys jingle as you open the door. You set your bag down on the kitchen counter. Ranpo is nowhere to be seen. He's usually home by now but he must be either still at the Agency or he's hanging out with Poe. You head to the bedroom to see Ranpo on the bed hugging one of your sweaters. "Ranpo I'm home." Ranpo perks his head up when he hears your soft voice. He jumps up from the bed and tackles you to the ground. "You're home finally!" He nuzzles his head into your neck and hugs you tightly. "I missed you so much. It was lonely without you here and I'm glad you're home safe." He starts to shower you with kisses. You kiss him back and lay down on the bed. You two cuddle and spend the rest of the evening watching a show. When you get up from the bed, Ranpo grabs your arm to pull you back to bed. "Where are you going? The episode hasn't ended yet." You smile at his pout. You give him a kiss on the cheek. "I'm going to the kitchen to get more snacks, I will be right back." Ranpo gives you a thumbs up before you leave the bedroom. He lays back down on the bed pondering if it's the right time to propose. It's been a battle for months now trying to find the perfect way to propose. His thoughts get interrupted when the sound of the bedroom door opens. You hold a tray with a variety of snacks and drinks. You set it down on the bed gently to not drop anything. You start opening a bag of chips but Ranpo hasn't started eating. He stayed there sitting silently looking off in the distance thinking about something. You turn to look at him, worried that something is wrong. "Ranpo, is everything alright? You've been silent for a while and you haven't touched your snacks." He looks at you and sighs. When you reach out to hold his hand, he swats it away. Confused by this sudden change in behavior, you stand up to comfort him. He walks up to his drawer and takes something out. "Sweetie what's wrong?" He doesn't say anything. He turns you, sighing before speaking up. "Look we've been together for years now and-" He rubs the back of his head. "I can't see a future without you around me. I want to be by your side until we are old and gray. You mean the whole world to me." He gets on one knee and opens the small box holding a ring. "Will you marry me?" You didn't say anything to him. You immediately hug him and kiss him. "Yes! A thousand times yes!" Ranpo hugs you back, not wanting to let go. He gently puts the ring on your finger. The gem is a beautiful shade of green. It matches Ranpo's eye color. You two spend the rest of the night in each other's arms.

[captain19cb97]

A Surprise (M) b.c

Getting the chance to come back to Seoul for a couple months to work with your boyfriend's group, you also have the chance to show up without him knowing you're back, and the reunion is better than you hoped it would be.

Pairing: Idol!Chan x Fem!Reader | Older Sister!Reader x Felix

Word Count: 5.2k

Genre: Smut (18 + MDNI) Fluff, Established Relationship, Established Friendship w/SKZ members

Warnings: This story is 90% smut, if you are not 18 or older, please DO NOT INTERACT with this story. Unprotected sex (reader is on birth control, but regardless, be smart and safe! Use protection) Pet names (Baby, my love, love, babygirl, princess) name calling (Whore but affectionately it is unspoken but it's done consensually) Praise, cursing, light choking, casual mention of food.

You [9:35 p.m.] Min, Jinnie! I'm ready whenever you two are.

You set your phone on the counter after locking it so you could look around the apartment again for a moment. The company had paid to have some of your things shipped out, mostly clothes and things like that, because you refused to let them buy you new clothes, saying that you'd have nowhere for the new things to go once you flew back home. But you did compromise on letting them pay for everyday things, like kitchen utensils and the like, so you could actually inhabit the apartment for the close to 2 month that you’d be staying in it.

The company had asked you to come work with Chan and the guys, being that you were Felix’s older sister, and since they knew about your relationship with Chan, and how amazing of a photographer you were. You were obviously, more than happy to spend so much time with your brother, your boyfriend and the rest of the members, even if you were going to be working for a lot of the time.

It was still 2 months straight, though, and it was about to be the most amount of time that you and Chan have spent together, in person, since before getting together, since you’re living and working in a different country right now.

You stood in the doorway to the master bedroom, marveling at the sight before you. It was beautifully decorated- simple yet cozy- and there wasn't a single thing you could find to complain about as you continued to look around, even after hearing your phone go off from the kitchen counter.

You made your way back over to grab you phone, seeing that the boys had texted you back.

Minhooo [9:39 p.m.] We're on our way, Noona!

Hyunjinnie [9:40 p.m.] I'm so excited!

Little Bro Sunshine [9:40 p.m.] I can't wait to see you!

Jisungie [9:41 p.m.] Bin-Hyung and I will keep Channie-Hyung busy until you're at the dorm. Can't wait to see you either, though, Noona!

Seungminnie [9:43 p.m.] IN-ah looks like he's going to explode, he's so excited.

Innie [9:44 p.m.] I AM excited!

You [9:45 p.m.] I'm excited too, boys! I've missed you all so much

You decided that now would be a good time to text Chan, telling him you were finally home. Halfway through your flight, you'd messaged him- like you'd planned, telling him you'd had a layover for a couple hours somewhere, but that you were going to use that time to get some food and to walk around to kill time and stretch out your legs.

All in the hopes that he wouldn't question why you'd be texting him so much later then when your flight home would've landed already. You were so excited to surprise him, and you were thankful for the guys, for helping you get everything planned out.

You [9:50 p.m.] Hey baby! Finally made it home, but I'm feeling super jetlagged so I'm going to get some more sleep. I'll text you when I get up though, okay? I love you; I hope your day was good! 💕🥰

And after that, you waited for Minho and Hyunjin to knock on the apartment door and for Chan to text you back, which only took a couple minutes.

Chris💙 [9:54 p.m.] Glad to hear that you're home, my love. Okay, sleep well, I love you more xxxx &lt;3<3 I'm going home in a bit to do the same thing.

You [9:55 p.m.] Dream about me then?

Chris💙 [9:55 p.m.] I already do, love

Chris💙 [9:56 p.m.] Get some rest, babygirl. I'll talk to you later?

You [9:56 p.m.] Cheesy boy! Videocall when I get up? If you're not busy.

Chris💙 [9:57 p.m.] Only for you. And I'll never say no.

You [9:57 p.m.] I know 💕 night, baby

Chris💙 [9:58 p.m.] Good night, love &lt;3

After another few minutes, finally loud knocks sounded at the door, and you could barely contain your excitement as you pulled it open to two smiling faces.

You didn't even say hi, just quickly grabbed them both, pulling them in for a tight little group hug as they both laughed at your reaction, but hugged you back just a tightly.

"I've missed you both." You sighed happily, letting them go after a moment.

"We've miss you, too, Noona." Minho smiled at you as Hyunjin nodded.

"Lots," Hyunjin added, hugging you again. "How was the flight?"

You let out a soft sigh, "Not too bad, I slept most of the time knowing that I'd need the rest for the time difference. Honestly, I'm just tired from all the photoshoots I’ve done this last week and a half."

"Looking forward to a few days with nothing to do?" Minho asked with a smile.

You grinned, "Absolutely. After that, it's going to be a busy and long few weeks. But I can't complain when I get to see you guys so much again finally."

The boys smiled, "Well," Minho started, "You could complain, but we all know that we're going to make sure you have no reason to."

"Or have plenty of reasons to." Hyunjin laughed.

You shook your head, rolling your eyes at both of them, "You two are ridiculous."

"And you missed us." Hyunjin pointed out, a wide smile on his face. "But that's a topic for another time, because Changbin-Hyung texted me and they're leaving the studio soon so we need to go."

"Let me grab my things then," You said, spinning around towards the counter only a few steps away from you, glancing back at Minho, "Did Jisung order dinner like we planned?"

He nodded, watching you quickly pull a familiar looking hoodie over your head, "Yeah, it'll get there about the same time as us, if we leave now."

You scoffed playfully, pulling on both shoes, "Alright, alright, come on then." You smiled, making sure you had the key to the apartment in case you couldn't remember the code, before shoving your phone into the pocket of the Chan's hoodie and following them back out the door and down the hall, making sure the apartment door was shut and locked behind you.

The whole drive was spent just talking to them about everything that had been going on since you'd all been together back on their last tour, Chan had finally gotten the chance to spend some time back home with his family after a few years and you'd been so excited for him.

When Felix told you that he was going too, you were even happier, knowing your little brother was getting the chance to go home to be with the rest of your family for a little while, even though you were a little upset that you couldn’t also be there.

The boys told you about the few concerts they'd had since coming back to Seoul, some things that had happened in the studio when they were practicing and just everyday life for all of them- little things that Chan or Felix didn't always have time to tell you when you would talk to either of them.

The closer you got to the dorm, the more excited, and nervous, you became, and they both noticed- even in the dark of the car. Minho glanced at you after he finally parked at the dorm, offering you a small smile, "It's going to be great, Noona. Don't worry too much, okay?"

Hyunjin put his hand on your shoulder before you guys got out, "Yeah, Channie-Hyung isn't going to know what to do when he sees you."

"All I know is that I'm definitely going to cry." You mumbled, climbing out of the car, "How much time do we have?"

Hyunjin unlocked his phone, "Hannie said they just left the company, so we have like 15 minutes or so."

You nodded, following behind them into the building, "I'm so excited to see the rest of the boys."

"Yongbok-ah's been freaking out most of the day, he barely slept last night." Minho mentioned as you guys stepped off the elevator finally.

You cooed softly, "Yeah, he'd been texting me nonstop until my flight boarded about how excited he was. I missed my little brother." You smiled as they stopped in front of the dorm and Hyunjin put the code in before turning the handle. He smiled down at you before he slowly pushed the door open for you, motioning for you to go first.

There was a loud gasp as you stepped through the doorway, "She's here!" You heard Innie yell before three sets of arms engulfed you into a tight hug.

You giggled, squirming a little to get your arms free to hug them back, "Hi, boys!"

Felix laughed, "I can't believe you're actually here!" he exclaimed.

"I missed you, Noona." Innie grinned.

Seungmin smiled widely, "Took you long enough." He joked softly.

You managed to get your arms free, and touching each of them as you smiled happily, "I missed you guys, too." You told them before you all pulled apart from one another before you grabbed Felix for a long hug. “I missed you.” You whispered, feeling your eyes sting slightly as you hugged him.

It had been a long time since you guys had been together and since you and Felix have always been so close, it’s been hard being apart this long.

He immediately relaxed against you, hugging you just as tightly, as he sighed softly, “I missed you, too, Noona. I’m so happy you’re back.”

10 minutes or so later, you were firmly planted on the center cushion of the couch, facing the front door and watching Hyunjin accept the takeout boxes from the delivery guy with a smile and a soft 'thank you' bow before closing the door and facing the rest of you with a smile.

"Food's here, now we just need the star of the show." He joked, taking the bags into the kitchen.

"Han just texted me," Minho looked up at you, "Changbin-ah just parked, so they'll be up in a minute."

You let out an excited but shaky breath, "Oh, man, I'm weirdly nervous." you admitted softly.

Felix dropped his head to your shoulder and let out a soft chuckle, "That's okay, Noona! This is how Channie-Hyung was in LA before you got there."

You grinned at him, tightening your hand around his for a quick second, "Really?"

Seungmin nodded, "Oh yeah. He couldn't sit still, from the second we got back to the hotel until he ran out of the room to meet you at the elevator."

You grinned at the memory of that night, at how excited you had been to see Chan standing outside those doors when they opened. You hoped that's how he'd feel now.

Minho looked at the boys, "Okay, they left Channie-Hyung in the lobby, so they're coming in in a second and then he'll be up after that, so we should go hide in the kitchen." He looked at you as they all started getting up and walking away from the living room, "Ready?"

You took a deep breath and nodded, "Ready."

He smiled just as the door burst open with two panting boys who quickly looked around the room for you before they ran at you for a quick hug.

"He's almost up here, we waited by the elevator until he got on." Changbin said quickly, letting you out of the hug.

"He must have found it weird that you two just left him like that." You chuckled softly, watching them head for the kitchen too.

Han shook his head, "We were messing around before that to make it look more real. Changbin-Hyung 'chased' after me for smacking his hat off outside the car." He explained.

You just let out a quiet laugh, "You guys really went all out for this, huh?" You asked softly.

They both smiled at you as you stood from the couch to stand a little ways away from the door for when Chan opened it. "For you guys? Yeah! And we'd do it again." Han grinned.

Minho grabbed his arm, "Sentimentality later, he should be at the door in a minute." he whispered, tugging Han into the kitchen with him.

You just shook your head and spun around, keeping your eyes on the door until you heard the handle starting to turn and your heart began beating so fast, you were worried it would beat out of your chest as the door was slowly pushed open.

"You know," Chan's voice started before he had even put a foot through the doorway, "You two are lucky that there wasn't anyone in the lobby, to see you guys being-" He stopped talking, his eyes landing on your pair of shoes by the door as he stepped inside, before his eyes slowly landed on your figure in the middle of the living room, the rest of his sentence slowly falling from his lips. "Like that.."

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop as you smiled at him. "Surprise." you whispered finally.

Already, you could feel your eyes stinging with tears as his mouth dropped open slightly as you stared at each other for a solid 10 seconds before he launched himself at you. Dropping everything he had been holding in his hands to the floor before his arms wrapped around your body, tightly, pulling you into his chest until your feet were off the ground.

He buried his face in your neck, breathing deeply as he somehow pulled you closer to him- not fully believing that you were there, that you were in his arms again as he heard you let out a soft cry into his shoulder where you had buried your face, your arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and your legs around his waist.

"You're here. You're really here." He breathed out, a few tears dropping from his face onto the fabric of the hoodie adorning your body. "I can't believe you're actually here." he whispered, cupping your tear-streaked cheek as you nodded slowly.

It was so nice to be home.

"I'm really here." You whispered back before he quickly blanketed your lips with his before you both pulled away again, hugging each other tightly as you finally put your feet back on the floor.

He took your face in both of his hands, his vision slightly blurred from happy tears as he smiled down at you, "You lied to me." You let out a tearful laugh and nodded, he sighed, leaning down to kiss you again, his lips brushing yours lightly, "I missed you so fucking much."

You eagerly kissed him back again, fisting the fabric of his jacket at his waist, "I missed you, too." you mumbled, pressing your forehead to his once you'd both pulled away.

As soon as the boys realized you guys were done kissing- Han had peeked his head out the kitchen doorway to double check- they all quickly emerged into the living room again, cheering loudly like the dorks they are, for you both.

Chan looked at them, a mix of bewilderment and pure surprise on his face as the realization hit him, why they'd all been the way they had been since the day before, "You guys knew?"

"We helped plan this." Seungmin answered him, a proud smile on his lips.

Chan glared playfully at Felix, “You! You knew too?”

Felix couldn't stand still, bouncing happily on his feet, "Oh, it was torture having to keep this a secret from you, Hyung." He breathed, "But so totally worth it!"

Chan felt you lace your fingers with his, making him look down at you, "Definitely worth it." You grinned up at him.

A couple hours later, after you’d all eaten and enjoyed just spending the time together, you and Chan got ready to leave for the night. The boys had told him that he had the next few days off, to just enjoy spending time with you before you and Felix spent a day or two together, before your busy schedules really started.

Chan looked down at you and nodded gently, before turning to look back at the guys, "If you guys need anything, just text me. Or her."

"Chan, they know." You giggled, offering the boys a smile, shouldering your purse finally. "Either or though, doesn't matter."

Minho shook his head, "We'll be fine for a few days. Just like when you went home, hyung. Now get out of here and spend some time together."

He smiled wide, nodding in response, "Thank you, guys. Really. We'll see you in a couple days, I guess."

You grinned, throwing a smile back at Felix then the rest of the boys, "See you guys this weekend, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Han laughed, "Knowing you, Noona, that's not a lot."

You faked a hurt expression as you pulled open the front door, "Wow, Ji, just wow. I mean, you're right but still, damn." You sighed playfully, "Don't do anything that will get you in trouble." You offered instead, smiling back at them, "Better?"

Chan let out a soft sigh, "I'm worried about what you talk about with them." He joked, taking your hand in his, "Have a good few days, boys."

You giggled at him, rolling your eyes playfully, "Nothing bad, obviously." You looked back at the rest of them, "Bye, boys! Goodnight."

Finally, after hearing them all bid you goodnight and goodbye, you and Chan disappeared through the front door and down the hall, enjoying the soft silence that had enveloped you both as you made it down to his car.

"Princess." He grinned, opening your door for you before quickly throwing his backpack into the backseat.

You let out a soft laugh, shaking your head as you slid into the seat, "Thank you."

He chuckled, rounding the car himself, after making sure you were in the car and your door was shut. After a minute or so, he'd put his music on low, and grabbed your hand in his, pulling it up to his lips, "I still can't believe you're actually here." he whispered again, lips grazing your knuckles.

You smiled, leaning over to kiss his lips. Keeping your hand on his cheek as you slowly pulled away, "I hope it was a good surprise."

He nodded quickly, touching his forehead to yours for a moment, "You know how much I've missed you; I couldn't be happier right now."

You pecked his lips again before settling back in your seat fully, "Neither could I."

He grinned over at you, squeezing your hand once before finally pulling away from the dorm and onto the road to your apartment, following the gps that you’d put into the dash when you first got in the car.

The drive was quiet, comfortable, and your hand never left his until you both were getting out of the car a couple minutes later. You waited at the front of the car for him to grab his bag from the backseat, and it was only then that you realized he didn't have his laptop. Which you pointed out as much when you guys got into the elevator.

"If I have the days off, and I have you, I don't need my laptop." He answered with a smile, "I'd rather spend all this time with just you, and not worry about working on anything."

You could feel the warmth of his words spreading through your body as you made it to your apartment door, "As much as I adore that sentimentality, baby, what are you going to do when you can't sleep and want something to do?"

You felt his chest against your back as you went to open the door, stopping when you felt his lips graze your ear, "Why would I want my laptop, when I can just do you, instead?"

Your breath hitched and your barely turned your head to look up at him. Seeing that cocky, smug grin on his lips didn't help the sudden want growing within you, "You're shameless." You said weakly.

His smug look only worsened as he finished opening the door behind you, "When it comes to you? Yeah." He muttered, gently pushing you inside the apartment, keeping your gaze as you both moved, before shutting the door with his foot.

You pulled him closer to you, not even bothering to properly put your things down before you pulled his lips down to yours in a heated kiss, moaning softly at the feel of his hands on your ass as he pulled you closer to him too.

It was a miracle that neither of you crashed into anything as you led him down the hall and into the bedroom, clothes trailing behind you after being haphazardly pulled from your bodies. Lips and hands barely left each other's skin as Chan laid you on your back on the bed, moving to hover above you, a lovesick grin on his face the second he looked down at you.

"I don't know how I got so lucky to be with someone as beautiful as you." He whispered, cupping your cheek lightly.

You flushed under his gaze and words, diverting your eyes from his, "You know damn well I think that same thing about you." You mumbled, meeting his eyes again and reaching up to cup his cheek too.

Chan grinned, turning his head to press a soft kiss to your palm, "6 months is way too long without you. I'm going to show you how much I missed you, my love." he whispered, leaning down to capture your lips with his.

You nodded just barely, relishing in the way he was already running his hands softly over your body, "Show me." You pleaded gently, arching your back as his hand found purchase between your legs.

He trailed his lips down your neck, lavishing your skin in unspoken confessions as he rocked his hips into yours- limbs tangled, wrapped around each other as you both steadily found yourselves closer to the edge.

You gasped, feeling him thrust deeper, but keeping the same pace, "J-just like that, baby, fuck yes."

He grunted above you, watching your face scrunch up in pleasure as you clenched around him again, "You're so good to me, love," He panted in your ear, "So fucking good to me."

You whined, throwing your head back into the mattress as you clenched around him and dragged your nails down his back, "You're the one doing all the work, baby." You hissed, feeling his lips latch around your nipple. "I should be telling you how good you are to me."

He chuckled, barely lifting his head to fully gaze up at you, "The sounds you're making are telling me enough, babygirl." He grinned smugly, lapping his tongue around the perked bud again.

You arched your back at the feeling, eyes closing as you sighed in pleasure before pulling his face up to yours, both of your hands on his cheeks as you met his eyes, "I love you," You panted softly, your lips grazing his, "Ruin me, baby. I want more. Please?"

He closed the space between your lips, grunting into your mouth as he hoisted your leg over his hip, his fingers digging into the flush on the back of your thigh, "You want more, huh? I'll give you more, babygirl."

If you thought you were rushing towards an orgasm before, you had no idea what you were truly in for. Chan braced himself with one hand on the bed up by your head, the other still tightly holding your thigh as he picked up his pace, moaning at the feeling of you clenching around him again as you moaned out loudly at the change in pace.

"This what you wanted, huh? You wanted me to fuck you instead of make love to you?" He let out a dry chuckle, bowing his head a little, and watching his cock disappearing inside you. "Do you want me to fuck you like you're a whore? My little whore?"

"Yes!" You cried, hands gripping the sheet beneath you as you squeezed your eyes shut, "Fuck, baby, yes. 'm your whore, I-I wanna be your whore."

He quickly pulled out, leaving you gasping and confused until he roughly grabbing your waist, "On your hands and knees then, babygirl. Whores don't get to look at me when I fuck them."

You had to keep yourself from moaning at his words as you did as he told you, dropping onto your forearms as he gripping your ass with both hands, squeezing and spreading your cheeks a few times, before you felt the tip of his cock at your entrance again.

You had no idea where this sudden change came from. The few times you guys have had sex since getting together, sure he'd fucked you, but, God, not like this. Not that you were complaining, you'd gotten a taste of this Chan on the many, steamy phone and videocalls over the long months, but this was different- this was first-hand, and you were living for it.

You moaned at the feeling of him rubbing his tip up and down your folds, wiggling your hips slightly in anticipation, "Please?" You begged, turning to look at him over your shoulder.

He put his hand on the middle of your back, pushing your chest further into the mattress, "You'll get it, babygirl. Behave."

And as he finished saying the words, he slowly pushed back into you, bottoming out before pulling out again just as slowly, listening to you gasp at the difference in angle.

As much as you both liked being able to look in each other's eyes, grabbing each other's faces to pull the other into heated, deep kisses during sex, this angle was making him hit every spot within you, and he knew it too, just from how you were crying out, and burying your face into the sheets as you clenched tightly around him, pulling him deeper.

You could feel the burn in your knees from the prolonged stance as you pushed back against him with every hard thrust. You could feel his fingers digging into your hips as he pulled you backwards into him each time, too. And listening to him let out low, deep groans as he fucked into you was quickly sending you headlong into an orgasm you knew was going to hit you hard.

You could feel it as he pulled you up and back into his chest, bucking up into you as he wrapped an arm across your chest, the other falling between your legs as his rubbed rough figured 8's onto your clit- the overstimulation making it harder for you not to fall limp on the bed, and had it not been for Chan's arms, you would've.

One of your hands gripped around his wrist on the arm across your body, taking his hand and moving it to the base of your neck, the other reaching behind you both, around the back of his neck as he continued to thrust, panting heavily into your neck.

"Are you close?" he grunted, enjoying the feeling of your body pressed tightly against his as your hand fell to his ass, grabbing a handful.

You nodded quickly, dropping your head back onto his shoulder, "So close, baby, I'm so close." You whimpered as he gently tightened his hand around your throat, as the knot in your stomach quickly tightened. "Fuck, I’m gonna cum.”

Chan's hips faltered for a moment, feeling you clench around him before he picked up the same pace, letting your throat go and grabbing your chin to make you look at him. "Cum for me then, babygirl." He demanded, "You've been such a good girl for me- my pretty little whore." He brushed your lips with his as your walls tightened around him again.

You cried out, letting him silence the sound with his mouth on yours as you finally came, ears ringing as the pleasure overtook you as he continued roughly thrusting into you, letting you ride it out until his hips stopped and he spilled inside you only moments later, panting heavily as he let go of your jaw and pulled his hand from your core.

He held you against his chest as you both tried to catch your breaths, bodies sticky with sweat from the heat between you both.

You felt his lips at the base of your neck after brushing your hair to the side, "You okay?" He asked, adjusting you both as he pulled out.

You whimpered softly at the oversensitivity, but nodded, "Perfect, you?" You asked, turning to look at him as he stood from the bed.

He grinned down at you, a tired expression on his face, "Never been better."

You barely huffed a chuckle, slowly moving to put your feet on the floor to stand too. "Shower?"

Chan didn't reply, only held his hand out to you, helping you stand on wobbly feet before following you to the bathroom. He looked at you, an amused look in his eyes as you stood slightly unsteadily as you turned the shower on, waiting for the water to get hot. "You sure you're doing okay?" He teased.

You glanced back at him, splashing a small handful of water towards him as you stuck your tongue out at him. "I'm probably going to be a little sore in the morning, but yeah, I'm fine."

He nodded as you turned back around, his eyes shamelessly raking over the naked expanse of your body as you paid him no mind. His heart felt full, having you home with him again, and even though the distance was tough and sometimes painfully hard, in this moment, he felt like it was worth it.

He hadn't realized that you'd finally turned back to look at him, ready to tell him the shower was ready. You caught his eyes, your brows pinching together in question as he just stared at you still.

"What?" You asked finally, the word spoken so softly, it was almost drowned out by the stream of water behind you.

He took the two steps between you both, hand coming to rest gently on your waist and smiled down at you- a look of pure love and adoration in his eyes as you tilted your head up to look him in the eyes. "I’m just so happy you’re home again. I love you." Was all he offered in response before he gently pressed his lips down to yours in a chaste kiss.

You sighed into the kiss, smiling as you both pulled away, "And I love you. Not to ruin your sappy love moment though, but can we get into the shower now? I, uhm, have your cum coming down my thighs." You said softly, cheeks slightly darkening before Chan let out a quiet laugh and nodded, letting you go before slapping your ass as you climbed into the shower.

You yelped at the sudden contact, spinning to playfully glare at him as he followed behind you, pulling the shower curtain closed, "Really?"

“It was right there,” He sent you a cheeky grin and shrugged just barely, "Couldn't resist."

[novelconcepts]

There are a lot of Worst Things about depression. Everybody's got a different Worst Thing. Hell, I can't always decide on what my personal Worst Thing is. Sometimes it's the numb despair. Sometimes, it's the dumb animal panic. Most of the time, though, it's that there isn't enough room inside of me.

What I mean is: I care about too many things. I think that's pretty standard these days for a lot of people. Empathy stretched fine as gossamer. We see so much suffering each day. We see so much more than any one person was meant to. So you wind up caring, because caring is what a person is wired to do, what makes life worth living. You care about people you know. You care about people you've never met. You care about situations in countries you haven't set foot in. You care about the political climate of your own hometown. You care about your own dreams. You care about your best friend's bad luck. You care about your pets' health. You care about when the next book in your favorite series will come out. You care, and you care, and you care, because you're wired to care about it all. It's exhausting sometimes, but it's life. Sometimes the best part of life.

With depression, the caring space gets to feeling too full. Has packed tight, all those elements butting into one another until they lose meaning, the darkness threading into the gaps. There just isn't enough room inside of me for all the fear and the despair and the weird empty anger, much less the stuff that actually matters. So I start shorting out. Because, see, depression makes it so I can't care; don't see a point in even trying. And the real me, the part of me that isn't being cannibalized by the demons, doesn't know how to do anything else. So the middle ground becomes: shrink the caring space. Shrink it down bit by bit. All systems are running at once, and we're getting low on juice, so the natural thing is to start shutting off lights. Start jettisoning the extraneous to make room.

Except it's depression at the wheel, not common sense, so it's not just the extra flair getting turned off. Not the despair and the mind-numbing terror and the reckless urge to pick fights. The stuff that winds up getting tossed is stuff I need. Stuff that keeps me going. It's all being shut down at once, no rhyme or reason, until I suddenly can't care about the things that are me. Intrinsic, fabric-level stuff. I can't care about creating. About making art. About telling stories. I can't care about other people telling stories. I can't care about my friends the way I'm supposed to. I can't care about their travel or their kids or their wins. I can't care about making food for myself. I can't care about brushing my teeth. I'm shutting down to component parts, but I didn't get to pick which components are still running full-power, so I wind up with just a handful of randomly blinking lights. Suddenly, I care very much about my fear of the future, my financial insecurity, how fast I can run a 5K, a single television show--and just about nothing else.

It isn't healthy. It's sure as fuck not sustainable. And I know from experience that the rest of the system will come back online eventually. I'll find myself telling another story in a week or a month. I'll find myself sketching something out of nowhere. I'll find myself able to grieve a lost loved one and treasure my new nephew. It'll all come back, in time. But it's the in-between bit that grates. The bit where I'm in the shuttle with my knees tucked against my chest, sucking oxygen through a straw, trying to conserve whatever is still running. The bit where I resent the people in my life who aren't running on fumes like I am. Where I'm furious that they can care, that they can move freely, that they aren't pacing a minuscule cage like I am. It's a loss, all the months and years I've spent on life support. It's a fucking waste.

That's where I am right now. Life support. Little things get in, from time to time. I can suddenly inhale a book series start to finish. I can suddenly coax myself into eating the same thing for lunch for three weeks straight. Those are extra lights on the dash, and I have to treasure them. Because there isn't really room, so any little thing that I find space for is a gift. And everything else--talking. planning. trusting. creating. intake.--has to stay dark for a little while longer.

It'll come back on. I have to believe it'll come back on.

In the meantime, I hunker in my shuttle, and I wait.

[sleepyfan-blog]

Sisterly Chat

Author’s note: A second fic for Nadesir! First. Next

Tagged: @egrets-not-regrets

Warnings: cursing

Summary: You have a chat with your younger sister. 

"I'm sorry... You have a what living in your house?! Do you have any idea how dangerous they are?! Has living in that tiny fucking town in the middle of nowhere driven you insane?"  Your younger sister hissed, staring at you in alarm. The two of you were talking via Discord, and she was scowling at you, her arms crossed over her chest as she glared at you. You and your sister never got along very well - and the physical distance between her and you was nothing short of a relief from her nagging and nonsense... Even so, you did miss her from time to time, which lead to you scheduling a time to speak with her. And yes, considering how busy both you and your sister were, scheduling these video-calls was necessary, in order to not play phone-tag for the next three months between conflicting schedules and... Other things.

"A Night Lord. And yes, I've read some of the horror stories on the 'net about what Night Lords can be like. I am well aware of the fact that these Space Marines can be dangerous, but Vanya has been kind to me! Sweet even, in his own way. He kind of reminds me of a very large semi-feral cat. He comes and goes whenever he pleases... And often goes on hunts for days, if not weeks at a time. He always has a freshly prepared animal meat... Usually elk or deer, given that they're plentiful, but sometimes he comes home with several rabbits, quail or a turkey, depending on the time of year. He's been living with me for several years, and he's not the only space marine who lives in and around my hometown. There's a group of Salamanders and several Ultramarines as well. I think I saw a Dark Angel lurking near the edge of the Astartes base last week, but I didn't get a good look at him, and I was on lunch break." You respond, a small smile lifting your lips at the mention of your housemate.

Currently Vanya was out on another hunt - ever since that Imposter Vanya had shown up a month or so ago, he'd been patrolling around yours - and his - (did he feel that your home was also his? He was free to stay as long as he wanted. You were pretty sure that he knew that, but it was a bit difficult to figure out what was going on inside of his head, though he'd been a permanent fixture in your life for the past several years) home much more frequently. His hunts had been more frequent, but he wasn't gone for more than two or three days, rather than the weeks he could have been gone for, before. He also spent more time with his fellow Astartes - which you hoped was a good thing. Most of what you read on the internet about Night Lords said that they tended to be more solitary or stick to small groups, rather than the larger chapters that many other kinds of Astartes seemed to prefer. You'd also noticed that the rest of the space marines who lived in and near the small town you'd long since called your home had begun to patrol much more frequently and in greater numbers.

Not that any of them would say why they were doing this, though you suspected it had to do with the handful of teal interlopers who'd been chased off by Vanya and a handful of Salamanders... They also patrolled like this when there were reports of Feral Space Marine warbands traveling through the area - perhaps those teal marines had been a sneaky kind of feral space marine? But ferals tended to avoid humans and human settlements, except to try and acquire resources from them, if they didn't feel like making whatever they wanted themselves... Or they tried to kill the humans closest to the space marines who lived with humans for reasons that you didn't want to speculate on. 

"-another thing! Do you really think that you're safe? Considering that they are so unpredictable and dangerous... If you need help moving out and getting away from him, I'd be happy to help you get out of there. You're a talented doctor, sis." Your younger sister huffed, having clearly been in mid-rant while you'd reflected on the strangeness of Vanya and the other space marines who lived around town. "You could get a good job wherever you wanted to live. I still don't get why you decided to work in a tiny-ass hospital in the middle of fuck-all Nowhere."

A low, frustrated growl left you "As I told you when I moved away from our parents' place eight years ago I have several reasons why I'm working here, rather than at some huge hospital in a big city; the first reason why I moved here was because the hospital I work at offered to pay half of my student loans down, in exchange I would work for them for five years. They also paid for the house I'm living in. The second reason is that while yes, the pay is a lot less than I could get elsewhere, rural towns and areas are vastly underserved medically speaking - among other services they are in desperate need of and justly deserve to get! The third reason is that I like being able to walk around without being hounded with questions about that all the fucking time!" You growl, glaring at your younger sister.

She flinched a little and shifted, looking away from the screen. Away from you. "... Yeah, okay. I get it. But there are like. So many podu-rural towns who need good doctors all over the world! Do you really want to live with a giant spooky murderous bastard for the rest of your life? Or at least for a really long time? I've heard that renegade types like him tend to chase off the partner or partners of the humans they've decided are theirs. What if you find someone you want to live with - a human person, and he doesn't like them? What'd you do then? And that's not getting into how weird they can get around children! I've heard that space marines can and often do steal children and refuse to let them go! And that there are stories on the internet of the partner or partners of a human with a space marine being replaced as a primary care giver and chased off by the space marine online! There's several websites dedicated to collecting these stories, so people know the dangers."

You blink a little in surprise, before raising an eyebrow at your younger sisters "Really? You're going to believe internet rumors and bullshit as truth? Even if some space marines do chase off a human they care for's spouse, that doesn't mean that all of them - nor all renegade space marines do that. Besides, I'm too busy with work and my hobbies to find a date, much less a partner. Besides, I trust Vanya. If he found something objectionable about my partner, I'd either try to find out a way to get the two of them to eventually get along with one another - he's... Pretty prickly and aloof, but he can be affectionate when the mood strikes. I've been able to talk him into using the communication board I bought for both of us to know roughly where the other is and how long one of us intends to be out. And the only children I'm ever likely to want - if I ever do decide to have children - will be adopted. You know the reasons why." 

You remember the first time you'd pulled a double-double shift after Vanya had moved in with you. Several of your fellow staff members had been very surprised and startled to find the crabby night lord once again in the hospital, and he'd refused to let your sleep-deprived self go, having tucked you against his chest and purred aggressively until you fell asleep in his arms, the sneaky bastard. Allegedly he'd stared the head of the hospital down before stalking off back to your home. You know he'd brought you home as he'd tucked you into your bed, as you'd woken up in bed hours later, still tired from the extra-long shift and a grumpy Vanya hovering over you, and several dozen missed phone calls on your cell. 

Your younger sister again shifts uncomfortably, looking down and away from her laptop, shoulders hunching "I... I know. It's just... We really don't have any idea where these big bastards come from... And more keep appearing what feels like every day. And I've heard stories that they've been affecting politics - both local and across the world! What if they're trying to take over the world? What if they've already succeeded and they just let us puny mortals believe that we have control over our own home world, and are secretly running things from the shadows?!  What if-"

"... Have. Have you been watching conspiracy theories on Youtube again? Or going down Reddit rabbit holes? You know that's a bad idea, right? How many other batshit conspiracy theories do you believe in now?" You demand, trying to suppress a groan of frustration. You knew that your younger sister could get drawn into this sort of bullshit when she went into a researching-binge, without someone to pull her out and remind her to touch grass and think critically about what she was reading and watching. 

"I know that the common conspiracy theories bandied about online not pertaining to the space marines are bullshit, okay? It's just... Given what we've been through as kids, do you really think that some of the warning stories about astartes -" your younger sister started.

You cut her off before she could broach that subject "Don't! Just... Don't go there. You were much younger than me when... When everything went down. You've got a lot fewer memories of what happened then, than I do. No, I don't want to talk about it. The past is in the past, and there is where it will stay." You growl, shaking your head a little, as you fold your arms defensively over your chest and shake your head. You'd shielded your little sister from the worst of it, and she'd only been about six years old when you were able to escape that place with your little sister. "Please tell me you haven't been poking around about them, again? Because if you have, do you really want to be ripped from your life? Be dragged back into that bullshit? I know you don't remember much, but it was really bad."

"I... No, no. I still have nightmares about what I do remember. It's just... I wish you'd explain more about where we were, before mom and dad found and adopted us." Your younger sister responds with a whine in her voice.

"I don't know any more than you did! Just that... I knew that we needed to escape, before things got worse for us, like it did with the older girls. I think that place did get shut down after I talked to that social worker friend of our mom's... But those people might still be out there or some of them were. And they... They clearly had plans of some kind, though I couldn't begin to guess what." You huff, rubbing your eyes with the back of your palms. You hear large footsteps moving through the house, causing you to smile. Vanya could move silently, but chose to move in a way where you knew when he'd first come home, so as to not startle you.  "Want to meet Vanya? He just came home. I can hear him moving around."

"Nnnnope! You can keep your scary-ass space marine! Talk to you later!" Your little sister answered, shaking her head and ending the call.

You snort a little to yourself as you shut down and close your laptop before standing up with a yawn. Time to go see what Vanya had brought back from his hunt and be suitably impressed by whatever kill he'd gotten, you think with a small smile on your face.

[lexkent]

I've been accepted into grad school in a neighboring state and in the city I've lived in for the past 10 years, and I'm rotting from the inside out trying to come to a decision

pros for staying: I love my second floor apartment with a balcony and feel comfortable that the landlord isn't some monster. It would be so much easier to stay put. I have a summer and fall job secured here. the classes are regular M-F. there's a part time option if it gets to be too much. I have 1 cousin moving here for grad school (different school same city). there's a better chance of meeting fellow lgbt people here. this is a fun and diverse city with a never ending selection of things to do.

cons for staying: I already spent 4 years at this school so there isn't that thrill of going to a new university it would almost feel like returning to high school. I don’t feel a ton of school pride. it's not particularly safe here (I regularly hear gunshots, etc from my apartment.) I'm tired of the stress of the Mad Max driving situation here. I can't go on night walks without needing to be aware of my surroundings. I don't think I would want to be a Beginner social worker here (though I do want to return someday with more skills and experience). I feel like 10+ years is a long time to live in just one city. my therapist would be low key disappointed if I stayed. staying might feel like settling.

pros for leaving: it's exciting to go to a new school. smaller class sizes should mean a better chance to connect with professors and better chance to get an assistantship to help cover tuition. I could go on walks at night without needing to look over my shoulder. I would prefer to be a Beginner social worker in this city. new city means new places and parks to explore. my therapist seems to think going here and having a fresh start would be most beneficial to me. some cousins and friends are within 1.5 hours of this city. Ceno should be moving there soon!! I've been approved for an apartment with a deck.

cons for leaving: I hate moving more than anything in the world no matter how much I mentally prepare myself it's always 100x worse than I imagined. classes are Friday and Saturday (how am I supposed to drive home and see family/friends with 2 years of weekend classes?) middle of nowhere city. lack of diversity. I don't have a summer job lined up. there is always risk and uncertainty signing with new landlords because they can make your life total hell. it has been near impossible to find an apartment that allows cats I've been looking every day for months. I was just accepted for an apartment i like (though I learned it is ground floor despite the listed pictures which means my cats won't be able to freely enjoy the outdoor deck space like they could with a balcony and there could be a safety issue considering open windows) but with 1st month rent + security deposit + $600 cat fee + $70 cat rent, my bank account is going to wiped out to nothing (I've been crying lol)

[ananke-xiii]

My ranking of SPN seasons (based only on their PLOT) pt. 4 [final]

OKAAAAAY, LEEEEET'S GO!

Here, here and here I've covered from ranking #15 to #4 so let's see which seasons will be on the podium!

3. Season 8: This season really gave me life, it's absolutely one of the best. Plot-wise, I ADORED the introduction of the tablets and the Trials, whoever came up with this idea was pure genius. So Basically our heroes have to deal with the aftermath of the events in season 7: Dean has spent 1 year fighting monsters in Purgatory while Sam run away from his responsibilities and has found shelter in the arms of a woman. Cas seems nowhere to be found. The character who moves the plot forward is my beloved Crowley: while Dean was feeling pure in Purgatory with this vampire boyfriend (ihih), and Sam was guitl-trapped into adopting a dog (seriuosly? biggest red flag ever), our King of Hell was busy carrying the show on his shoulders. He kidnaps Kevin and orders him to translate the demon tablet. Since he's not stupid, he quickly understands that 1 leviathan table + 1 demon tablet = 1 angel tablet. Consequently, his quest for the latter begins. After 1 year of hedonism, our heroes realize that they had left poor Kevin behind while an astonished Castiel comes out of nowhere. The plot gets interesting. We find out that the demon tablet contains information on how to close the Gates of Hell. Comedy of error ensues since literally everybody thinks that the angle tablet would contain the same info as the demon tablet (really, guys? The ONLY smart person in the room about this was DEAN, as per usual). So what's written on the angel tablet? Surprise! We don't really know 'cause poor Kevin spent 6 effing months trying to translate half of the demon tablet so there's now way to know now! Cas makes the usual stupid choice and gets played by Metatron: he will undergo the Three Trials to close the Gates of Heaven. Meanwhile poor Sam undergoes the Trials to close the Gates of Hell. Eventually, Dean convinces him to stop the last trial otherwise he will die and poor Dean cannot live without his baby brother (same goes for little jealous Sam who, while literally dying, finds time to tell Dean that he feels left behind because Dean seems to love his Purgatory vampire and his trenchoated angel more than him (codependecy level: atomic)). Metatron fools everyone and cast a spell to make all angels fall. BOOM, season finale is EPIC. I really really enjoyed this season, it was so rich and full of turns of events but everything was coherent and engaging. What I didn't like is brainwashing Cas via Naomi. Plot-wise, it was unnecessary since Naomi literally reveals her original plan to Dean after episode 17 so, what was the point? Sure it gave us the memorable crypt scene and for it I am forever grateful. But in terms of plot, meh. It was weak. Also, it looks a lot like what happened with Godstiel in season 6 AND weird Cas in season 7 (poor Cas knows no peace of mind, literally).Once again Cas as a character is not fully in control and makes shitty decisions for reasons unknown? Mmmmh, me not likey.

2. Season 4: This season was explosive, I fucking loved it! First of all, as I've already said, I like when there's sort of a deadline in the plot and here we have a big one: Lilith is on her course to open the 66 seals that will free Lucifer from his cage. Problem is: nobody knows which ones she will choose since there are like 600 of them. Sam and Dean try to prevent the opening of the seals but things get complicated when the Angels enter the arena: they certainly look more like enemies rather than allies and for sure cause a lot of problems more than provide solutions. Previosly on Supernatural, Dean was rescued by Castiel from Hell (what an epic entrance, Cas!!!) after having spent 30 human years torturing and being tortured by demons, yay! Sam is now addicted to demon blood and nobody is pleased about it so our heroes have plenty on their plate. Plot-wise, this season was everything, it was a rollercoaster of turns of events, allies that become enemies, enemies become allies but wait no! they've been enemies all along! Castiel inadvertently changes the course of the story and creates real free will, Supernatural goes fully meta with the introduction of the Supernatural books by Chuck Shurley, angels are showed as scary, powerful creatures rather than comforting, merciful, ethereal beings ("Read the bible" LOL)... Man, what a fucking epic season! It felt serious but also carefree? It seems weird to say that but later on SPN gets increasingly tragic in tone so I'm very pleased with season 4 because it managed to balance everything out but with a lighter twist.

Season 11: while I was writing this, I was not sure which season would be number 1 but here I am, once again, in love with the plot of season 11. What can I say? "I'm a lover, not a fighter". So, the plot: the Winchester Bros Codependency Inc. has reached catastrophic levels: they are the ones to be thanked for the release of The Darkness into the world. The first interesting thing is that, for the first time ever, nobody really seems to know what to do. Thank God, there's the King of Hell (LOL) who promptly seizes the opportunity to take Amara and raise her hoping this would turn the events in his favours. However, he's unable to control her and soon Amara escapes wreacking havoc in the world. Not knowing what to do, Castiel decides to find Metatron, while Sam decides to go back into the Cage because he believes that Lucifer might be key to fighting Amara. Chaos ensues. Metatron doesn't really know shit, Lucifer same but he manages to escape via Castiel!vessel and we get Casifer (it was insane, I loved every minute of it!), the world is in shambles. A deus ex machina is needed: God/Chuck enters the chat. From here on, it all gets very philosophical and maybe that's why I frigging love this season. So, remember the Winchester Bros Codependency Inc.? Well, turns out Amara and God suffers from the same syndrome. They manage to (momentarily) find their balance while Dean (who had a bond with Amara because they both shared the Mark of Cain or whatever) decides to go to battle alone to convince Amara to stop or, if not possible, to die trying to save the world. And Sam Winchester is finally okay with this! Wow, progress, yes, right??? All ends so well that Amara gifts Dean with his friggin' mother who was dead 30+ years ago! Happy ending, much? LOL. I liked the simplicity of the plot, it's all very progressive, the pacing is slow but never boring, all characters still continue to make stupid choices but ultimately these don't bite them in the ass and they use them to grow... I don't know, I really enjoyed season 11. The only "negative" thing is that I wish the writers made Dean tell Cas something more meaningful than "you're our brother". Tons of metas have been written about it and yeah, I know, I know. Still, this season was all about "following the heart" so I'd have appreciated more honesty about this topic but hey, we all know how it ended so #nosurprise.

Okay, I'm done here! What do YOU think? Do you agree with my ranking? I'm curious, let me know!

[lincolndjarin]

.

// tw for graphic descriptions of sexual assault. this is just a vent post bc i have nowhere els to get these feeling out sorry.

yeah so idk everyone can ignore this i just wanted to write it out bc that's what i do and this is so much but i write things out, like, that's what i do.

i don't really have anyone i can talk to anymore. im not exaggerating when i say i have one friend who still lives in the same state as i do. and she is quite literally always in a lab because she's trying to cure cancer so it's like woof how do i bring her my problems when i only get to see her a couple times a month? i don't want her to associate what little time we spend together with just me complaining bc i love her so much and i don't want to do that to her when she so rarely gets a break. the rest of my friends are scattered around the country so when they are in town we usually just go out and call it a night. and my best friend moved to another state in august. i miss him every day. he's quite literally my soulmate and because of the sudden distance between us i made a conscious effort to give him some space. he's in a new place and i wanted to give him time to adjust and make new friends so i've really only been texting him when there's an emergency or if he texts me first.

so i've sort of just been filled with an overwhelming sense of being alone in a way i never have been previously. it's a big part of why i started writing. a lot of people made comments about how when i first started writing bks that the update schedule was crazy bc i was posting nearly 3 chapters a week and that was because i was desperate to pour my attentions into something other than the fact that i was alone.

all of that is nonsense and in all honestly just a precursor to what is actually upsetting me.

a few of my friends are in town and last night we went out to a club that we used to go to all the time. I haven't gone out in quite some time so i was pretty excited and because it's a gay club i usually feel pretty safe there, i've always been with a large group of friends and i have never felt threatened there because the people are always extremely kind and there is very attentive security.

because i haven't been out in months i definitely overestimated how much alcohol i could handle. i was pretty wasted when we arrived but we got there early enough that it was relatively empty for the first few minutes and we were able to just sort of talk and hang out.

later that night i was with two of my friends dancing when i smiled at a guy who was dancing near us. I have never felt threatened by the men at this club, despite the fact that i am usually pretty wary about men in general due to the fact that i assaulted multiple times by a family friend when i was young.

i was heavily intoxicated at this point but still lucid. i smile at everyone, i make a conscious effort to compliment as many people as possible when i'm out and to smile at everyone.

before i fully knew what was happening he was behind me groping me. one of the two friends that i was dancing with gave me a sort of thumbs up thumbs down signal to see if i was okay, i just sort of frowned and nodded, i didn't really know what to do so i just sort of let it happen, it seemed relatively harmless enough.

after another minute or so he became aggressive, he grabbed me by my chest and held me in place, he bit me and humped me until he came against the back of my skirt. he had not said a single word to me at this point. immediately after that happened i grabbed my friend by the arm and asked him if we could go outside to get some air.

when we recalled what had happened to my other friends it became clear that no one knew the extent of what had happened. they asked if i was okay and i smiled and nodded. i didn't want to ruin the first night we've had out in months so i made a few jokes about it and we went back inside.

i spent the rest of the night staying as close as possible to my friends with my back to the wall.

we didn't leave for another hour or so because my friends were having fun and i told them i was fine. on several occasions throughout the night he would try to get near me again but i managed to avoid him without ever involving anyone else.

i didn't speak much on the car ride home, i had sobered up at that point because i had stopped drinking immediately after it had happened. i didn't cry until i went to bed that night and then i just went to sleep.

it's a little after noon now, i woke up a few hours ago and i just feel sort of empty. i've dealt with the aftermath of assault before but this is somehow worse because i had the opportunity to stop it and i didnt. when i was a kid it was easy to come to terms with the fact that it was never my fault. i was a little girl, the adults around me failed to protect me from what was happening and it was never on me.

but now i am an adult, who was drunk and dressed promiscuously in a club. and it's much harder to swallow because i didn't push him away and i could have asked for help and i didnt so ive just sort of spent this morning staring out the window and drinking lemonade because that's what i do on sundays.

and i feel more alone than i usually do because who am i supposed to talk to about this? i told my friends who were there last night that i was fine and i don't want to text anyone whos been out of town bc it's like 'hey it's been a while! lets catch up! i think i might have been assaulted last night!' and who wants to hear that.

so i guess i'll just do what i do to cope and i'll just write more.

idk. it's just been a rough 12 hours and im tired from all the crying and i really needed to get this out and this is the only place i could think to put this and im sorry if this is too much it's just been sitting stagnant in my mind and it helps me to write so thats what i did.

thats all i guess.

[mylivejournalsucks]

Bottleneck.

I went to Minneapolis for work: the birthplace of Brenda and Brandon Walsh, the city where Mavis from Young Adult calls home. I was being interviewed at a college in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I do college talks as often as they'll have me. To be frank, the money is good. I think back to all the colleges I visited back in my Thought Catalog days—Princeton, Yale, UCLA, McGill, Emerson, University of Vermont—when I didn't have an agent and students would ask me what my quote was.

"Um, just pay for my flight and hotel? IDC!" I said.

One time I gathered up the courage to ask for $500. Now I know I could've made more than my yearly salary.

But it's not about the money. Not entirely. I've realized, especially in recent years, that I love dedicating chunks of time to things that have nothing to do with my Real Life. Getting flown to a city I would never go to ordinarily, researching restaurants, eating the local cuisine (aka going on Grindr) feeling beholden to no one, getting to talk to a group of kids who've been spent the last few years living primarily with Ideas, it's heaven. It feels luxurious, like a nibble of dark chocolate before bed. Sometimes I think if I could live the bulk of my life as a bottle episode—nothing of story consequence, could stand on its own or be cut for time—I would. Bottle episodes are typically the strongest, anyway. They don't have to be bogged down with exposition or serialization. They can just exist and show off the good bones of a TV show.

As you get older, it's harder to just exist. Suddenly everything has consequence, everything is connected. We've designed our lives to to be constantly building, building, building. Go here to get there.

When I'm in these random cities, I'm going fucking nowhere. I'm laying in my hotel bed, AC blasting, watching episodes of Chopped at 1am, my jet-lagged face lit up by my laptop. I'm Googling "Best coffee in Minneapolis" I'm drinking the best coffee in Minneapolis (really good, tbh) I'm working out in the hotel gym with the other mentally ill freaks who can't go three days without exercise endorphins, I'm thinking about going to this museum everyone is raving about while knowing full well I am never going to go, I'm answering an email or two, I'm accidentally getting a huge chunk of writing done—writing that would've taken me a week in Los Angeles—because nobody knows me here, nothing is expected of me. I have nowhere to be. I am really horny all of the time. Hotels put you in that frame of mind. The bed says: "Why are you not having sex with a stranger on me? That's what I'm here for." And then sometimes I do have sex with a stranger. If it's good, the place I'm visiting will suddenly feel like home. Now that I've had a local's penis inside of me, I get why people live here. If it's bad, the limits of the bottle episode will be tested when I fly back in a rotten mood.

Does my enjoyment of these "work trips" belie a larger dissatisfaction with my real life? Yes. No. Maybe. Fuck off.

A state of unease has settled on my chosen city, Los Angeles. The industry I work in is like a weather forecast. And just like the real weather, there's been an inordinate amount of rain. Something's not right. (actual weather: Climate change, Hollywood: Monopoly is being adapted into a movie.) No one knows how to fix it. When will the person in charge come back? Wait. You're telling me there was never a person in charge? Oh no.

Of course, my ego requires me to say I am one of the lucky ones in that I currently, as of this writing, have a job. But even in bustling times, a writer feels insecure. Being prosperous means knowing what the next six months of your life looks like. That's it. And then it's back to planting those seeds knowing most won't bear any fruit. (I spend three days in the Midwest and I'm trying out farming metaphors.)

When I am in these cities or small towns, I am there for a job, which means I know money is coming in. And anything happening back in Los Angeles is none of my goddamn business. Until it has to be.

These cities I visit are full of ambitious people but I project so much on to them. They've chosen to live in cities with affordable housing and James Beard award-winning restaurants. Any unease they feel comes from within and not from watching the Hollywood stock market, otherwise known as the trades. Their lives belong to them whereas I don't know if mine totally does. There's so much powerlessness that comes with my profession. What if a network that is paying my mortgage merges with a Sbarro's tomorrow and, poof, no more job? I wish I were joking but the only comedy getting made right now is Real Life, streaming everywhere.

I want to figure out how to live life more like a bottle episode. How can I take this back to Los Angeles without becoming irresponsible? I don't want a different life. I just want my life to stop feeling different. I want things to go back to "normal" which, for Hollywood, is still crazy but, like, I'm not scared of Sbarro's taking my job.

I am a cynical optimist. Everything is cyclical. It will land somewhere. But, in the meantime, how do you stay inspired when you are told everybody is looking for things that are "safe" which is code for "nothing that comes out of your faggot gimp brain?" How am I supposed to feel when I see my business chasing after IP no one gives a shit about and spending $200 million because they can only conceive of teeny tiny or big bang boom? Baby Reindeer is one of the most popular TV shows right now. I haven't seen it yet but it's a show with no stars (no offense!) and no action figures. Just people trying to figure out less painful ways to be alive, like all the best kind of art explores. It reminds me of Fleabag's success. When your premise is simple, you can be complex. And, yet, I feel like the wrong lesson will be metabolized. "Stalkers! Let's reboot the movie Disclosure, even though no one watched it the first time!"

The thing is, we're all miserable living under these mandates. And, yet, we made the rules. If only someone would just realize no one is coming to save us. We have to save ourselves.

Anyway, my favorite bottle episode is Girls, season two, episode five "One Man's Trash." A show everyone is rediscovering but probably wouldn't get made today for reasons that are made up and nobody understands or agrees with.

[jasper-book-stash]

March 2024 Reading Wrap Up

I got bronchitis and my period at the same time in March, and then spilled tea on my computer, so March was a very stressful time for me. Regardless, I managed to read 10 books! And honestly, overall, this is one of the better months - the lowest I've ranked a book is 6/10, which is damn good considering the absolute bullshit I usually read.

Religious Text

None applicable.

1/10 - Why Did They Publish This?

None applicable.

2/10 - Trash

None applicable.

3/10 - Meh

None applicable.

4 to 6/10 - Mid-Tier

Tomb Sweeping | Alexandra Chang

I read this book while sick. And boy howdy, did that make it a weird experience. I get what it was going for, but it really wasn't my vibe. It just felt like everything was...unfinished. Which was the point, I suppose, but it was still annoying.

7 to 8/10 - Good With Caveats

What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality | Daniel A Helminiak

This is a very short book compared to my usual reads, topping at 152 pages. And I appreciate a book that gets straight to the point and analyzes the historical context around various works, particularly religious works. Good job. My only complaint is some editing issues.

Born to Love, Cursed to Feel | Samantha King

This was a poetry collection and was the only other book I read while sick, and boy howdy did I have a time of it. I spent most of the reading just...putting post-it notes in and nodding along to the lines. It was a surprisingly good book, considering I found it in the back alley version of a book store.

Southern Cunning: Folkloric Witchcraft in the American South | Aaron Oberon

Look. This is not a 101 book. It's not a 102 book. It's not even a 201 book. It simply is. And as much as I enjoyed it and enjoyed reading it, the fact that I spent most of my reading time fixing the editing means that I cannot, in good faith, put this any higher than an 8 out of 10. Dear Aaron Oberon, if you ever read this, PLEASE give me access to the original file so I can fix your punctuation and spelling mistakes. Sincerely, a fellow Southerner.

9/10 - Very Very Good

Snow White with the Red Hair, volumes 21-23 | Sorata Akiduki

I am still so fucking feral over this series. I love them so fucking much. I want them all to be happy but I also like seeing their shenanigans. Unfortunately, though we're at 26 published volumes, we've reached the end of the ones in Missouri Evergreen that I may access. I'll either have to wait and hope that someone gets them, or I'll have to bite the bullet and buy them myself.

Not Pounded By Anything: Six Platonic Tales Of Non-Sexual Encounters | Chuck Tingle

This is my first expedition into the erotic Tingleverse after reading some pieces of the horror Tingleverse in Straight and Camp Damascus. And I really, really like this book. It's 77 pages and is such an easy read. Godspeed, you glorious bastard.

10/10 - Unironically Recommend To Everyone

Well, everyone who's into the genre these fall under, at least.

Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft, tenth edition | Janet Burroway

I found this in the free section of a bookstore in the middle of nowhere, and let me tell you, it is now marked up one side and down the other with highlighter, because I needed it. There are so many good parts of this book that it's genuinely one I would recommend to people who are trying to figure out why their writing feels flat.

Sacred Gender: Create Trans and Nonbinary Spiritual Connections | Ariana Serpentine

First, I want to congratulate the author on what is possibly the coolest name ever.

Second, if you're an occultist, polytheist, witch, magic practitioner, or in any other way affiliated with things beyond or within mortal ken...get this book. It's making me rethink a lot of my own experiences with my craft and my religion, but in a good way.

[compassionatereminders]

Hey kat, I need advice. I'm feeling really guilty because I can't be alone. I have two partners and we all live together, but I don't sleep well and they both sleep really hard. I'm always awake first, by hours, and they rarely get out of bed before noon unless they work. Some days they stay in bed until early afternoon while I've been awake since 9-10am. I get really really depressed and anxious spending all that time by myself, and I don't have friends so all I have is my partners or social media (which I'm trying to limit but I'm so lonely and alone most of the time it's all I have for anything) I have tried to make friends but they don't feel like my friends, they feel like my partner's friend. I don't think most of them like me.

We talked months ago about getting our sleep schedules into shape to try and help us all feel better and that went nowhere. I brought it up again after some time and it went nowhere. A third time, nothing happened, so I just gave up. But I'm still lonely, and depressed, and struggle with being alone. Because I spent the first two decades of my life Avoidant and alone and locked in my room because it was safer. So I just want to not be sitting in those feelings anymore, I want to be interacting with people, especially people I love.

And now that I've given up on the sleep schedule change, all my feelings are just getting worse again, and that's led to me having a lot of meltdowns because I'm alone for hours and then I barely have any time to interact with my partners.

And the fact that my feelings haven't changed and that I'm still lonely and wish they would be awake sooner so I wouldn't be alone so much, is being thrown in my face as me being selfish and jealous because of my insomnia. One partner has yelled at me multiple times that he will never change his sleep schedule for me and he thinks I'm fucked up to ask. The other partner has tried to be emotionally understanding while still sleeping in until the last minute for work so I'm still sitting here alone.

Today I've been awake and alone for over two hours. it's my day off but my partners work. I'm extremely upset and filled with guilt at my emotions and I hate myself for not being better. I just don't WANT to be alone anymore when I've been alone for decades.

Am I in the wrong ? I know this is only my view so it's biased. But I don't think I'm in the right and I want to make my feelings go away.

I'm so sorry you have to struggle through this. And I don't see any obvious easy solution, unfortunately - which makes sense, because if you had one of those available, there wouldn't be an issue to resolve. But while you can't necessarily insist that anyone changes their sleep schedule for you, I understand your frustration, and I think it's unfair if people are mean to you about having unmet needs and communicating about it ❤️