#but i’m pretty sure she can already defend herself well enough

[the--last-great-american-dynasty]

i know we talk about will revealing his gun ability in the context of byler and it being a big thing (which i really do love), but realistically, every single main member should have a weapon skill during season five.

this is the first time they’re expecting the attack. at the end of every other season, they thought that they had won and finished everything. but not season four. and for season five, they know it’s coming. and there’s going to be a year and half time skip. they have to be preparing for the battle. and they have to ready to be attacked at anytime.

they aren’t stupid, nor are they clueless anymore. even if they are going to school and trying to live ‘normally’, they’re still aware of what’s coming. they know that the ones with already defined weapons skills aren’t always going to be there to protect them.

everyone should have a weapon they can use well. whether it be a gun or a bat or a spear, everyone should have something they can use with enough skill to defend themselves, because they could be dead otherwise.

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

Shots and Surprises

Sam and Dean & little sister!reader

Requested by Anonymous

Synopsis: Sam and Dean have to take you (7 years old…ish) to get shots.

“It’s time Sammy,” Dean whispered as he glanced around to make sure no one was nearby.

“Are you sure? I mean, already?” Sam asked.

“Positive. We’ve put it off for too long as it is. We’re just gonna have to get it over with.”

“You sure it can’t wait any longer? I mean Dean, it’s shots—you know how much Y/N hates shots.”

“What about shots?” The brothers nearly jumped out of their chairs at the sound of your voice.

“Who-who said anything about shots?” Dean tried to grin nonchalantly and failed miserably.

“Honey,” Sam began, ignoring Dean’s warning look. “We’ve gotta take you in to get your shots today. We’ve put it off for as long as we can, but—“

“No! No no no no no no no! I can’t need them again already, I can’t!”

“Well you do,” Dean said, glaring at Sam.

“We had to tell her at some point,” Sam defended himself in response to Dean’s glare.

“I was just gonna blindfold her until it was over.” Sam couldn’t tell if Dean was joking or not.

“I’m not going!” You insisted. “It’s not like it’ll kill me not to go.”

“Actually it could,” Dean argued. “They’re pretty important shots, kiddo.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” you groaned.

“Afraid not,” Sam said. “Now let’s go, we don’t want to be late.”

“I…I have to go to the bathroom first,” you insisted, turning on your heel and running.

“You think she’s gonna lock herself in there like last time?” Sam asked.

“Oh for sure,” Dean said, already turning and heading down a hallway. “I’m gonna head her off from the side!” He called over his shoulder. Sam just chuckled, glad that Dean had learned the strange layout of the bunker better than you had. Sure enough, he came back not two minutes later with you in front of him; Sam noticed that Dean’s hands were pretty tight on your shoulders to keep you that way.

“I’ll buy you pie,” you were babbling. “I’ll buy you every pie from here to Kentucky if I have to, just don’t make me go in there!”

“Kid, it’s not a big deal!” Dean insisted. “It’ll take like ten minutes.”

“You’re gonna let some stranger attack me with a sharp weapon!” You accused. “What kind of big brother are you?”

“Alright.” Sam had heard enough; he was used to your attempts to get out of shots. He took two steps forward and grabbed you, lifting you into his arms like he would have when you were a baby or a toddler.

Dean chuckled—he would’ve thought that he’d lose patience before Sam.

“Sammy!” You we’re struggling in his arms with no progress. “Put me down!”

“Not till we’re in the Impala,” Sam said. Dean followed the two of you out into the car, where Sam put you down and tried to buckle you in.

“Ok, ok, I’ve got it!” You insisted, yanking the belt from him and buckling it yourself. Satisfied, Sam got himself settled into the front while Dean started up the car. “Are you sure we have to do this?” Your voice was quieter now; timid.

“Sorry, sweetheart,” Dean sighed. “We don’t have a choice.”

…

“I’m sorry.” Sam heard you whisper as you trailed behind him into the doctor’s office. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. Are…are you still gonna go in with me?”

“What?” Sam stopped walking, turning to face you as he dropped to one knee. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m not gonna let you go in there alone, ok? Thank you for apologizing, but nothing you coulda said would’ve made me make you go in there alone, ok? I’m here for you, always.”

“You guys coming?” Dean called from the receptionist’s desk. “They’re ready for you, Y/N.”

“You sure I have to go?” You repeated, looking at Sam first, then Dean.

“Yup,” Dean said.

“It was worth a shot,” you sighed as you followed Dean as he followed the doctor, Sam at your side.

��

“Don’t look at it,” Sam insisted as the doctor pulled out the needle. “You don’t want to see it, just look at me.”

You turned your attention from the doctor to Sam, and his heart ached when he saw the tears tracking down your face. Sam grabbed your hand tightly, squeezing it when he noticed how much it was shaking.

“Hey, it’s not gonna hurt that bad,” Dean cut in. “It’s like this.” Dean reached up and pinched your arm—not enough so it would hurt, just enough to get your attention. “Or this—“ he pinched your leg. “Or this—“ he scratched at your neck, and despite your tears you giggled at his ticklish touch.

“Ok, first one’s done,” the doctor said suddenly.

“What?” You looked up in surprise to see him putting a bandaid on your arm. “It’s over?”

“We got one more,” the doctor told you. “But that wasn’t so bad, right?”

You nodded slowly, comforted until the doctor pulled out a second needle. You hadn’t even seen the first one because Dean had been quick to distract you, but you saw it this time.

Sam felt your little hand squeeze his as you leaned in closer to him.

“Hey,” Sam said, drawing your attention. “You’re doing great, really. I got you, ok? You’re gonna be just fine, I promise.”

“Do I have to do another one?” The tears were back in full force, and Sam wrapped his arms around you.

“It’s ok, you’re doing so so good,” Sam soothed. “I’m right here, you’re ok.” Sam nodded to the doctor, who went for the exposed part of your arm that Sam had left available to him.

Sam kept his arms around you as the needle went in, cringing when he heard you whimper—the distraction could only work once.

“It’s ok, all done,” Sam promised as the doctor pulled away. Sam didn’t let go of you though; your grip was so tight on him that Sam knew you needed this. “Ok, I’m here honey. I’m not going anywhere. You ok?”

“‘m ok,” you sniffled as another bandaid was put on your arm. “Can we go home now?”

“Sure, pumpkin.” Sam lifted you in his arms as he spoke, letting you wrap your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist so you were clinging to him like a koala.

“I think this calls for some ice cream,” Dean said, reaching a hand up and trying to coax your face out of Sam’s shoulder. “What do you think of that, hmm?”

“Ok, De,” you giggled, and Dean grinned.

“Ok.”

“Dean Winchester?”

Dean turned around in surprise when the doctor called out his name to stop him.

“Yes?”

“It seems that you’re also behind on several shots as well. We should get that taken care of.”

“Say what?”

Taglist:

@nyotamalfoy @mrvlxgrl @chocorade @aestheticdaisies @inlovewhithafairytale @that-wannabe-vangoghgurl @casmustdiee @987coley

[leaawrites]

Packing it up

Josh Jenkinson x fem!reader

Summary: in which, he changed her perception of what love can be.

Warnings: toxic relationship (not cute Josh), slight ooc Josh (too talkative and extroverted but anyway)

Wordcount: 1.4k

I'd like to dedicate this to my fellow Josh girlies, @petalprincessxoxo and @lemosch

Masterlist

Walking down the streets of Manhattan, the streaks of tears were still clearly visible on her face. This would be the last time, she told herself. It should’ve been the last time three times prior to now.

She knew it’d always end in the same position. Inside her new favourite cafe after he already ruined the last one for her. A cup of steaming coffee sitting in front of her face as she waited for the same words to drop from his lies, her reaction was already automatic at this point.

“I’m sorry,” he’d say over and over again. “It was a mistake.” It never was. It stops being a mistake after the third time. “Please forgive me.” And although every atom of her body told her not to, she accepted the warm embrace of his arms every morning after. And she forgave him, over and over and over again.

In a few months she’d need to move to a new city after every coffee shop in New York City was haunted by his shadow lurking for her in the dark spots of her brain.

“Oh, look where you’re going,” a voice said shortly after she collided with a chest right in the middle of the street. Two hands holding her firmly to steady her body and not make her fall to the ground.

Looking up she saw the man she ran into, his eyes filled with concern as he saw her red eyes.

“Are you alright?” He asked, his voice much quieter now.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she brushed him off. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to worry.” He smiled down at her, trying to get the same reaction out of her.

“Do you wanna sit somewhere? You don’t really look well.”

“I already told you, I’m fine,” she tried to protest, but before she could bring arguments into the debate, the guy already pulled her aside into a cafe (out of all places) and sat her down at a table by the window. Still standing he made sure she was steady.

“You can sit down, alright? I won’t fall from my chair like a little child,” Y/n bit back, a bit irritated by his gentle and happy demeanour. Most people in New York would tell her to fuck off if she ran into them and walk off, not making sure if she was alright. It was part of it’s charm in some way.

“Alright, feisty,” he commented back, laughing at her glare towards him. “I’m Josh, by the way. Thought it’d be appropriate to introduce myself since we now sit here together.” He had his hands clasped together in front of his body.

“Y/n,” the girl answered, still not trusting him completely, but he seemed nice enough to not kidnap and kill her. At least, he hoped so.

“Where are you from?” Was her first question, the accent wasn’t from anywhere near and his smile looked kinder than any other in the US.

“Ireland,” he simply answered, looking at the bartender to get her attention.

“Are you all so jolly over there?”

“Are you all so dismissive over here?”

A small smile grazed her lips as he bit back quickly. The tone of his voice beginning to match more of her own.

“Pretty much, yes.”

“What can I get for you today?” The waitress asked bored with a pen and notebook in her hand, waiting for them to answer almost impatiently.

“Just a normal coffee,” the guy - Josh - answered, looking at Y/n to order her own beverage.

“I’ll have the-” New coffee shop, new person, new order, she thought. “I’ll have the Cappuccino.”

The waitress nodded, jotting their order down before turning on her heel and leaving them alone again, turning to her own life again.

“You don’t seem to already be here for long if you still have to ask if we’re all this dismissive. Mostly you can already see it in their faces when walking down the street.”

“Is one of those dismissive people the reason why you’re so upset?”

“I’m not upset,” she defended herself quickly, though the way he looked at her - with dismissive eyes and a clocked eyebrow - meant that he knew that she was lying. Lying never got her anywhere in the past. “I’m not entirely upset because of a such certain person. I’m more upset with myself.”

“Why?”

“Because I let it happen again, and I will crawl back to that person by tonight because I have no one else.”

Josh looked around the room for a second, watching the cars pass by and seemingly thinking about a solution for her problem, although she knew, there would be none. At least not one argumentative enough for her to stop.

“I have a proposition for you,” he stared talking, leaning forward in his chair and looking at her. Intrigued by his offer, she nodded her head as a sign for him to continue. “I’m in a band and if you want to, you can come to our show tonight and forget about that person for a bit, only if you’d want to of course.”

She thought about it for a second, scrunching up her nose and sucking on her upper lip. “Where are you guys playing?”

“Nothing crazy, just the Pier 17 Rooftop.” He shrugged like it was nothing.

“That’s not nothing,” she corrected him. “And probably sold out.”

“I can get you in,” he said.

“Why do you want me there?”

“I think you’re pretty,” he answered, making her blush and look at the wooden table for the first time that day. “And I think whoever treated you like that, to make you so upset, doesn’t deserve you to go back to them. So come with me. Watch us play and if you think we’re worse than whoever you knew before, I’ll leave you to go back to them with another second wasted.”

“I think that’s a deal.”

“Amazing.” Josh smiled at her, his confidence fading now that he had her promise, a shy look creeping up on his face as he looked down at the table and his clasped hands. A comfortable silence settled over them, their table being one of the only one’s which was quiet now. They didn’t pick the conversation up once more when they made eye-contact, neither when their coffee was served.

“How long does the concert of yours go?” she asked, remembering what she did after meeting him once more. What she promised her friends to do.

“Well, it starts at 8, then comes the opening act and we start around 9 normally. So it shouldn’t go longer than 11. Is that a problem for you?” he asked, looking concerned that she would now leave him hanging.

Would she be able to make it? Y/n knew that she would be alright with going to bed at 12 and still wake up early to go to work and she could cancel the usual dinner she had with her friends to calm her down from what he’d done once more. But every time she had done that, she crawled back to him anyway. So would it be a bad thing for her to try a new method? Would it be a bad thing if she tried moving on for once.

“No, it shouldn’t be alright. I still have work tomorrow, but I wouldn’t go to sleep before 12 anyway, so it’s fine.” Looking at the way his eyes lit up when she told him that she would be there made her feel like this could make a new tradition happen. What if she would be able to wake up next to him every morning? Seeing his eyes and soft smile as she cuddled closer to him in the early hours. Hearing the rasp in his voice after he’d just woken up, freeing herself from everything she’d known just to find a version of herself she’d never believed to actually find someday.

“Good,” Josh audibly let out a breath he was holding for the time she was thinking. Smiling at her once more, he let out a chuckle as she smiled at him too, feeling foolish for wanting her there watching him even though he’d just met her. Faith was a ridiculous thing to her ever since she knew what it meant, something wasn’t just meant to be because some invisible string was pulling certain treads.

Still there she was, so close to packing it all up. The simple topic of love being too unbearable for her to even hear from her friends about it. Until he happened.

[annes-andromeda]

Season 2 of HOTD is almost here and oml, every single goddamn thing I’ve seen regarding not just Team Green, but the plot in general, sounds awful.

We got:

Alicent still trying to make peace with Rha*nyra despite the latter not giving two flying fucks about her and Rha*nyra allowing B&C to happen and not punishing Da*mon. And don’t even get me started on the rumors of that supposed peace treaty in the finale🙄

Aemond calling his own mother a fool and addressing her by her FIRST NAME. It was literally established that these two have a strong bond but suddenly it’s thrown down the drain. Granted we green fans expected Aemond and Alicent to drift apart after L*ke’s death but not like this bro. Book!Aemond was cruel and awful, but he would never disrespect his mother like that. I honestly pray we get a scene of Criston defending her.

Everything about Helaena. Just. Everything. Her caught in the made-up King’s Landing riot with Alicent that didn’t happen in the book despite the fact that both her and her mother were stated as being beloved by the people. Supposedly rumors of Helaena having a nightmare about Da*mon having s*x with her (ugh just let it be Aegon pls I’m not a shipper but at least it would make sense). And apparently there may even be another riot during Jaehaerys’s funeral. Which again, DID NOT FUCKING HAPPEN.

Rha*nyra wielding a goddamn sword and still being portrayed as Mother Mary herself and being so dutiful and amazing and good🙄. Like, book!Rha*nyra was an awful person, but at least she was entertaining and had an actual personality.

Rumors of Rhaena apparently claiming a dragon that may be Sheepstealer, which means they might give Nettles’s storyline to Rhaena which I hate. Granted it’s just a rumor, but I would actually scream if they erased not just Nettles, but Morning as well.

I’m pretty sure there’s more but those are the main ones I can think of rn

Everything about the new season sounds so bad and I’m honestly thinking of not watching it at this point. Season 1 was bad enough with the villainizing of Team Green and the whitewashing of Team Black, but now they’re just going all out and continuing to climb the ladder of absurdity.

At this point I just feel bad for both Teams tbh. There’s no nuisance, no balanced focus on both sides, no effort to make both sides enjoyable. It’s very obvious that HBO has already chosen a side, and yet they’re still pushing the whole choosing teams agenda.

Only things that look promising are the upgraded wigs and costumes and Da*myra in their breakup era.

[pippytmi]

For the fake dating thing 11 with whomever you want!

“Do you always get into fist fights on first dates, or am I just lucky?”

There is a bruise already forming on Kara’s jaw, and her hand still has a phantom ache that won’t go away. There might be a touch of blood on the lapel of her shirt, too, but she has been unable to confirm without ready access to a mirror. But it’s this—the firm click of silver six-inch heels against pavement announcing Lena’s arrival—that brings Kara an instant sense of uneasiness.

“It’s kind of in the job description,” Kara shrugs off the rhetorical question. “You know, of being a girlfriend.”

Lena Luthor has an uncanny ability to make Kara feel completely, totally inept in any situation just with a quizzical quirk of an eyebrow and a ruby-red lipsticked frown. Not because she deliberately tries to, but because that’s just the Luthor™ way. Every member of that family seems to have mastered the ability to stare hard enough to make anyone squirm. Even though Kara has known Lena since they were kids—even though they know each other better than anyone else in the world—the effect is the same.

“That might be the most idiotic thing you’ve said all night.” Despite her stoic expression, Lena’s voice is surprisingly soft. “You should have walked away.”

“That would have been worse than not punching Mike Matthews, I think,” Kara says. “Really, I’m ninety-five percent sure I’m supposed to defend your honor, or… whatever the saying is.”

And the strangest thing happens; a glimpse of amusement cracks through Lena’s frown, visible in the ever-so-gentle upturn of the corner of her mouth. “Sorry, did I miss the part where we time traveled a hundred years ago?”

“It’s—you know what I mean,” Kara says. “If I was your real girlfriend everyone would expect me to punch guys in the face for you.”

“Or,” Lena counters, “it might be overkill, since everyone knows you are not inherently a violent person.”

Kara sheepishly tugs at her collar, unable to stop herself from flushing when Lena gazes at her so pointedly. “Does it matter if everyone who meets Mike wants to punch him? Because I’m pretty sure he could make a nun violent.”

“Wow,” Lena says. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say a mean thing about anyone before this.”

“Yeah, well…” Kara grimaces. “Mike Matthews brings it out of me. Or maybe this stuffy party does.” Her hand unconsciously goes back to her jacket, and she has to shrug it off all at once, suddenly feeling constricted in her suit. “I don’t know how you do it.”

Lena must be far more uncomfortable than Kara is, with those high heels and the skintight dress and the overall burden of familial expectations hanging on her shoulders, but she masks it remarkably well. “Practice,” she says—sighs. “And whiskey.”

“Gross,” Kara says, unconsciously crinkling her nose as she works at undoing her tie next. “I’m more of a Capri Sun girl myself.”

A short, stunned laugh emerges before Lena can likely quell it. “Right, how could I forget,” she says, and tilts her head in that curious way she does whenever she has a question she isn’t sure how to ask. But it must pass, because her actual question comes out in the form of: “Is there a reason you’re stripping in full view of the paparazzi?” 

“Fan service?” It’s a weak joke, but it makes Lena roll her eyes in that mock-exasperated way that Kara knows would be a laugh out of anyone else. “I just need to cool off, maybe. Then I promise, I’ll be your doting girlfriend for all the cameras again.” She allows a beat before she adds, perhaps unnecessarily, “Without any violence.”

“Yes, I think my mother would very much prefer that.”

Kara laughs, remembering the horrified look on Lillian Luthor’s face with—admittedly—a bit of glee. “Yeah,” she says, “I’m sure she’s thrilled with how tonight is going.”

“Well, she does think it’s all part of a rebellious phase,” Lena muses. “She’s convinced I’m doing this just to spite her.”

Kara has felt the brunt of Lillian’s disapproval back since she first befriended Lena when they were kids, back when they were auditioning for the same movie. Honestly, there is no telling why Lillian has always disliked Kara. Maybe it was because she wasn’t a nepotism baby like all the rest of crowd, or maybe it was because Kara would sneak Lena out of the giant Luthor mansion to go to the movies, or maybe it was because when they were teenagers Kara had wrecked the Porsche (on a dare)...but that disdain has been steadfast ever since they were young, and it’s never once wavered. Everyone knows it. Lena knows it.

Which is why Kara is unable to keep the confusion out of her voice when she says, “Uh. Aren’t you?”

“Aren’t I…what?” Lena repeats, lost.

“Pretending to date me to spite her?” Kara prompts. “You know. Since she hates me?”

Lena’s brow furrows ever-so-slightly. “I didn’t mean dating you,” she says. “I mean dating in general. She thinks it’s a distraction.” She absentmindedly picks at one of the sequins on her dress, a nervous tic that she has never been able to shake. “God, it’s getting cold out here.”

The temperature is just right for Kara, but Lena has always run cold; Kara’s poked fun at her for it once or twice (or for their entire childhood, but who’s keeping track). An unbidden smile, fonder than it has any right to be, inevitably forms. “Well sit down, so you can leech some of my body heat. Besides, you make me tired just looking at you in those heels.”

“Then I’ll be colder,” Lena objects, eyeing the stone of the fountain edge that Kara is currently sitting on. “No way.”

“You’re the most high maintenance fake girlfriend ever,” Kara feigns annoyance. “Here, then. Sit on my lap. And you can put my jacket over your legs.”

It’s hard to exactly tell with the dim lighting of the streetlights, but Lena—blushes? Maybe? And immediately shakes her head. “I’m too heavy.”

“No such thing,” Kara retorts. “I’ll keep stripping if you don’t sit down, Lena. Then your mother will really have a reason to hate me.”

“You are trying to create scandal everywhere you can tonight, aren’t you?” Lena says, but doesn’t move, only crosses her arms and gives Kara an exasperated look. “It would be a hell of a front page.”

“Wow, Lena, if you wanted me naked all you had to do was ask,” Kara says, undoing the first two buttons of her shirt while Lena continues to glare. Then, for fun, she continues up until she hits the top of her bra and Lena’s jaw fully drops in alarm.

“Oh my God, Kara, stop!”

But the ruse works, because as Lena moves forward as if she’s about to button Kara’s shirt back up (or just push her into the fountain), Kara is able to wrap an arm around Lena’s waist and tug her down. Lena yelps in surprise, arms coming up to squeeze around Kara’s neck, and Kara has to hide a grin into the curls that hit her full force in the face.

“Geez, Lena, you’re like an ice cube. Don’t you own a sweater?”

“You asshole,” Lena says, but there is no bite in her voice, only annoyed defeat. “If I get glitter all over you, I’m not going to apologize.”

“I’ll let it slide, this once.” Kara doesn’t mention that there’s nothing in the world that she wouldn’t let Lena get away with. That’s the inevitable truth of being in love with this girl pretty much her whole life—Kara caves first, and she always has. Whether it was what flavor of Gatorade to get from the vending machine, or whether it was who got to sit down in the only remaining chair for a last minute casting call, or whether it was to tag along to Lena’s prom date so the boy wouldn’t try to kiss her, Kara always let Lena call the shots.

Lena exhales; Kara feels the warmth of Lena’s breath against her temple, feels the steady weight of Lena’s body as she shifts on Kara’s lap, feels the rough pattern of Lena’s dress sequins against her fingertips. “You know you’re my best friend, right?” Lena says suddenly.

Those words always make Kara’s heart skip a beat, like they’re right back to being fifteen and nervously holding each other’s sweaty hands while poring over crumpled scripts. “I’d better be,” Kara quips, if only to keep her sappiness at bay, “or I’m returning the BFF necklaces I brought as our first-anniversary gift.”

“I’m serious,” Lena huffs, and her grip around Kara’s neck tightens just a hair. “Will you let me be serious?”

“Okay, okay. One hundred percent seriousness from here on out, I promise.”

For a moment, the only sound is that of cars passing, of the trickle from the water fountain, of the faint music coming from the party. And when Lena speaks at last, it’s quiet. “I know my mom’s not the…easiest person,” she says. “And if pretending to be my girlfriend is going to make you uncomfortable because you have to deal with her, you don’t have to do it.”

“I’ve been dealing with your mother forever, Lena,” Kara says lightly. “She hasn’t been able to scare me off yet, for as much as she’s tried.”

Lena scoffs, but her hand is unmistakably tender as she fiddles with Kara’s shirt collar. “What happened to being serious?”

“I am serious! Do you or do you not remember that time we went to the water park? I swear she cut a hole in my water tube slide. And let’s not even bring up the whole prom incident, because I swear my hip has never been the same since falling out of your window.”

“She didn’t even know that was you.” Lena laughs, and it’s still somewhat hesitant, but just affectionate enough to reflect her feelings about that memory. “That feels like a lifetime ago.”

Kara inhales, shakily, both the sweet scent of Lena’s perfume and some much-needed air. “In a good way or a bad way?”

Lena presses her forehead into Kara’s jaw, her skin still cold enough that it makes Kara sympathetically squeeze her tighter. “Can you just promise to tell me if you don’t feel comfortable?” she asks, and ignores Kara’s question entirely. “Either with my mother, or…just the pretending part with me.”

“I feel plenty comfortable,” Kara tries, but Lena just reiterates,

“Promise me, Kara. I don't want to lose you.”

Something about the urgency in Lena's tone shifts the mood entirely; Kara swallows tightly and nods obligingly. “Okay. I promise. But you have to tell me, too, if anything becomes…I don't know, too much.”

“Fine,” Lena agrees readily.

“No, wait, but listen,” Kara presses. “Being friends is one thing, but dating is another, and—even if it's fake, we're going to have to do couple things. And I don't want it to ruin our friendship.”

“I also don't want to ruin our friendship,” Lena says. “Which is why I brought it up first.”

“Good. Okay. I just wanted to be sure.” Kara awkwardly shifts, all too aware that this might not be the ideal time and place for this conversation. Much less when Lena's still in her lap, clinging to Kara as if afraid to let go. “So on a scale of one to ten, how badly have I messed up the friendship by fighting Mike?”

Lema hums, considering. “That depends on what he said about me.”

“Um, nothing nice,” Kara says haltingly. “I'd rather not repeat it.”

“Then I'll let it slide…this once.” Lena's hands find their way up to Kara's face, fingertips gentle against the bruise on her jaw. “But you are still an idiot.” She thumbs warmly against the apple of Kara's cheek and gazes at Kara from underneath thick mascaraed eyelashes, then whispers, “And you're my favorite.”

“Your favorite idiot?”

“My favorite person.” Suddenly they're seventeen again, and Kara is sitting on Lena's bedroom floor still tugging at her tux because it itches. Suddenly they're seventeen again, and Lena is biting her lip and unable to catch Kara’s eye. Suddenly they’re seventeen again, and Lena is whispering I wanted you to make sure he didn’t kiss me because I want you to be my first kiss.

Kara blinks, mouth opening and closing for a pause, before she has to fall back on a safe feeling—fall right back to humor, so Lena does not comment on the way Kara’s body automatically tenses. “Aw, Lena,” she manages, “that sounded a lot like you like me.”

“I’m just a good actress,” Lena says mock-haughtily, but her eyes are searching as they lock onto Kara’s, expression softening the way no one else ever really sees. To the world she’s always been some cold, aloof superstar, but to Kara she will always be the best friend who wanted her first kiss to be with the person she trusted most in the world.

“Well for the record,” Kara swallows thickly, “you’re my favorite, too.”

There is a split second—a charged, electric second—where Kara swears Lena is going to kiss her. Her eyes are hooded like they’re about to close, and her face sways closer, her hand still resting on Kara’s bruised jaw. But then she sighs, and Kara can feel the distance before she sees it.

“We should go back inside,” Lena says, abruptly stumbling off of Kara's lap. “Sooner or later we'll have to do damage control.”

It takes a beat for Kara to catch up. “Right,” she says, hastening to button up her shirt and follow. “It wouldn't be a Luthor party without damage control.”

“It's the first time you're the cause, though,” Lena throws over her shoulder. “And don't forget your tie!”

“Got it,” Kara calls, undoing her tie entirely and tossing it into the bushes. “Hey, wait up! Come back and hold my hand.”

That makes Lena freeze in place. “What?”

“For—you know, the cameras,” Kara says, shrugging her suit jacket back on. “So we can show a united front.”

Lena gives her an inscrutable look. “You say the weirdest things sometimes,” she says, but she allows Kara to catch up and intertwine their hands together without further complaint. 

“How else is everyone supposed to know you're not mad at me?” Kara reminds her. “Or that I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had?”

“I doubt they're going to make that assumption based on hand holding.” But as they climb up the steps to rejoin the gala, the low, golden light illuminates that dimpled smile of Lena's that makes Kara breathless. “What makes you think you're the best, anyway?”

“Just a guess,” Kara says, squeezing Lena's hand as they reach the entrance. “Am I?”

“Let's see if you end tonight without any more fights first,” Lena quips, and while her voice is teasing, her smile grows exponentially tender. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Kara echoes quietly, and allows Lena to lead her right through those double doors knowing that she would follow Lena anywhere.

[igglemouse]

It's only the first trimester but this pregnancy thing is already a bit rough, at least more than I imagined. I never expected it to be easy but I do get tired of having to run to the bathroom. Yeaaa, lets not talk about that!

Instead lets talk about waffles, more specifically, chicken and waffles! My appetite has definitely started to change as I find myself more likely to completely clean a plate but I don't think I've had any specific cravings yet? I mean, right now I'm craving golden waffles and slightly crisp fried chicken drenched in sweet syrup, does that count?

Naturally the scent of waffles wafting waffly through the house is enough to draw Pascal down to the kitchen. I'm pretty sure waffles are his favorite food and the way he lights up before digging into them tells me that I might be right.

He takes a few bites, makes a groan of approval, then turns his attention to me, a bit of concern on his face. "You okay?" He asks with his mouth half full. "You spent a lot of time in the restroom this morning and-"

"Yeaaah, just one of those things I guess?" I say trying to pass it off casually. The constant nausea is common during pregnancy, right? Probably nothing. "It'll be okay!"

"Yeah," he mumbles, getting right back to his meal.

That reminds me, Pascal hasn't really talked much about this whole 'we're going to be parents' thing too much and by too much I mean not really at all? He's told me that he'll be there for the baby and for me and that matters but I do wish he was a little more involved.

I think he saves most of his enthusiasm for mud baths. It's a ritual for him, I think. I can understand why, it can be very relaxing sinking yourself into a puddle of earthy mud and letting the world melt away. I understand he kicks a ball around for a living but it does take a lot out of him. Athletes really push their bodies past limits. It must be a ritual of his at this point.

As for me, I find my own way to unwind. Grooving to Latin pop, the infectious beats fill the room and gets my feet to move but not too much. Sure would hate to trip or something buuut I'm hoping my little one is vibing to the music too!

Doing laundry isn't in any way more fun than dancing but it has to get done. Even if the sun is bearing down on you, making you sweat, and...why doesn't Pascal have a washer and dryer again?

But I wasn't going to spend my entire day under the sun, especially when Sara decided to drop by again. She's been coming over more and more lately, I don't mind, but as I've mentioned before she's a bit nosy. Always asking questions and trying to pry, just a touch annoying actually, but there's something endearing to it? It's almost like little sister energy, if that makes sense? Maybe that's just me wishing I had a little sister.

She does remind me of an old friend I had back home, in Selva. A softer version of her, a less confident version of her, but a version of her all the same. Candela was her name but that's a story for another day.

As soon as we sit down Sara dives right into the topic of Pascal. Completely expected, remember, she's the nosy prying type after all but I decided to turn the tables back on her and ask her about her own love life.

"Umm, remember, I'm not so fortunate," her reply is hesitant and her voice cracks a little, letting me know this is more of a sensitive topic for her.

"Sara, you're way too hard on yourself! I know you've had some luck-"

"What's luck if I'm sitting here single," she interrupts, set on putting herself down I guess.

"Sara, you're young, we all are," I say, wanting to defend her from herself. "It's really not that big of a deal being single. Sometimes, it's better than being stuck with someone that's abusive."

"Yeah...well, for now, I'll live vicariously through your relationship so lets hear about it." The smile on her face is forced but I agree. I don't want to force her to talk about her.

So I tell her about Pascal and me but there really isn't any excitement because there isn't much to go on about? We are just sort of...living together? No big adventures or vacations, nothing overly romantic, we've just been sharing a space and going through life day by day I guess.

"You're going to have to pull him off the pitch long enough for you two to do more together," Sara suggests. It's a good idea. The SPL, which stands for Sims Premier League, has an offseason doesn't it?

After Sara leaves the house feels a little quieter. That's alright because I'll always have ice cream! It's the sort of thing that can bring joy to any evening and so I step right over to the kitchen and pull out my nifty ice cream making machine and make me a bowl of it. because, why not? Feels like a butter pecan kind of day to me and it's feeling like I'll be needing two bowls!

One thing I think I have to consider when it comes to living with Pascal is that I've been doing most of the chores. Whether its scrubbing countertops or washing the dishes or doing laundry out in near 100 degree heat, it's me doing it all and here I am vacuuming so that we're not inhaling dust. Makes me wonder how he was keeping this place clean before me? I'd ask Pascal to do it for tonight but...

The mechanical whir of the treadmill and the pounding of his feet had told me he was busy. I quietly slipped inside of his workout room, which, now that I think about it, looks like it would be better suited for a child but maybe that's a discussion for another day.

I have to squeal out a hello to get his attention and once I do; "Does the offer still stand?" I ask, voice raised to be heard of the rhythm of his workout.

"Huh?" He kinda shouts back, a little out of breath.

"Moving in, does it still stand?" and I shout right back.

"O-oh! Yeah! Of course! Of course it does!" He stammers back and gives me a smile. I'll leave him alone for now I guess.

So yeah, it looks like I've mad my decision or rather, fate has made it for me.

I do have some concerns but that's expected, right? No one is perfect.

Honestly, if I were not pregnant with his child I do not think I would have made this decision but now that I am I want to do everything right. That includes raising a child the usual way. Mother, father, a house, a family, that kind of thing. It's at least worth a try, it's more than what was done for me growing up.

I'll miss this place. I wasn't here for long but that's the story of my life. I don't tend to stay in places for too long. The universe always nudges me on to my next chapter and on to the next episode..

Frida Varela Index ~ Next Episode 6 'Familiar Connections'

[salty-says]

Can I get an order of Nami x Transfem reader?

The reader has a lot of self image issues, and Nami helps her to realize how beautiful she really us

Omg yes this is such a great request!

Orange Skies

Nami x Transfem!reader

Warnings: mentions of self-worth issues, angsty

The Going Merry rocked back and forth upon the waves. The wood creaked and sighed as the warm breeze made its way along the deck. The setting Sun cast a vibrant orange along the horizon and illuminated the ship.

Y/N sat against one of Nami’s tangerine trees, her legs pulled against her chest. Her chin was placed on the top of her knees and she soaked up the last of the sun for the day.

“There you are,” came a familiar voice.

Y/N jumped a but before turning to see Nami standing behind her with a blanket in hand.

“I’ve been looking for you for a while now. Sanji said I could find you out here,” she smiled.

“Sanji has a big mouth,” Y/N rolled her eyes and turned back around.

Nami giggled and began to approach Y/N, “You can say that again.”

Y/N pulled her lips up in response to that, “Why were you looking for me anyway?”

Nami sat down next to Y/N, their shoulders touching, “Am I not allowed to know where you are?”

Y/N only hummed in response.

“We’re going to reach an island tomorrow by the way.”

“Cool.”

“Cool? More like that’s awesome Nami! Thank you so much for your amazing skills that got us here!” Nami said with a higher pitched voice.

Y/N chuckled a bit at this, “Of course, how could I be so rude. You are really amazing Nami.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard. Here,” Nami opened up the blanket and wrapped one end around herself while offering the other to Y/N.

Y/N accepted it with a smile and also wrapped it around her self, “Thank you.”

“Of course! Now you better tell me why you have been sulking these past couple of days. It’s concerning me,” Nami said as she looked over at Y/N.

Y/N turned to her, opening her mouth to defend herself but quickly closed it. She turned back to face the horizon not wanting to say anything.

Nami nudged Y/N with her elbow. “C’mon please talk to me Y/N. What’s the point of having another girl on the ship if the other girl won’t talk to her!”

Y/N bit her lip, “That’s the thing, Nami.”

Nami cocked her head, “What?”

Y/N sighed and looked down at her lap, “I don’t know. It’s just that…I..I don’t…nevermind it’s stupid.”

“Hey don’t say that. Talk to me, please. I promise I’m here to help,” Nami placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

Y/N looked up at Nami with hopeful eyes, “Are you sure you won’t think of me differently if I tell you.”

“Promise,” Nami smiled.

Y/N drew in a deep breath, “Well you know how I wasn’t born a girl?”

Nami nodded and waited for Y/N to continue.

Y/N looked at her hands, “Sometimes I just feel like I’ll never be good enough, like I’ll never be the perfect woman.”

“How do you mean?” Nami asked sincerely.

“Well, for starters I don’t have the ideal female body. My chest is flat, my waist isn’t tiny, and my body gets really hairy. I don’t feel pretty, especially when we go into the island villages. Everyone looks at me weirdly as if they know. As if they are already rejecting me as a woman. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough,” Y/N whispered the last part as her face became hot and tears pricked at her eyes. “And all I want is to be able to be seen. To be seen as an equal and like you are seen. I want to be able to wear the clothes you wear and feel pretty and confident. I hate hiding like this.”

Nami paused as she watched Y/N break down. She listened intently to what she said and rubbed her back soothingly.

“I’m sorry, Nami. You don’t deserve these burdens I’m putting into you. Sorry if I’m just complaining.”

“Don’t say that, Y/N! You are not complaining! And don’t apologize for feeling the way you feel. I know I don’t have the same situation as you but I do know what you’re feeling is valid,” Nami paused as she tucked a strand of hair behind Y/N’s ear, “I think you’re pretty. I think you’re as much as a woman as any other woman.”

Y/N looked at her stunned, “You do?”

Nami smiled, “Gosh Y/N, the entire crew does! You see how Sanji fawns over you all the time. You see how Usopp calls you pretty and how Luffy loves complimenting how long your hair is. Hell even Zoro sees how strong and pretty you are.”

Tears fell freely out of Y/N’s eyes.

“Gosh Y/N I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of us do. And if you need help boosting your confidence all you have to do is ask! I’m more than happy to provide you clothes or even go shopping with you to find clothes that you like. That’s all I’ve ever wanted!”

“You mean that, Nami?” Y/N asked, her voice cracked a bit.

“Cross my heart.”

Y/N smiled and threw herself into Nami’s arms. Nami chuckled and wrapped her arms around Y/N running her fingers through her hair.

“If anyone ever tells you differently, you have an entire crew that is willing to beat their ass.”

Y/N laughed.

“I’m serious!” Nami shrieked as she looked down at Y/N.

“Thank you Nami. This means more to me than you could ever imagine.”

Nami smiled lovingly as she cupped Y/N’s cheek and kissed her forehead, “Of course. Now tell me what colors you like to wear.”

Hope you enjoyed!

[babyarmybabbles]

Run ARMY! (Meet Part) a1 d4 +155 Words

[Caution: These are not full fics, or even full parts of fics for some, these are part of my writing progress archive!]

Concept: Reader won the opportunity to film a spin off of Run BTS! celebrating the boys return from enlistment, called Run ARMY!, over the course of seven days.

Word Count: 1,250

Notes: Our first official addition! I wanted to do additions in intervals of 1,000, but I'm on the fence of just completely rewriting this entire fic. I'm really unhappy with it and it's fighting me at every turn. I think I focused too much on the little things between point A and B and establishing Reader's voice and character. Might keep like the first bit of the Arrival part and a couple bits here and there. I'll sit on it. Marked the addition with []

Took Inspirations from Run ARMY! series on Tik Tok by _yamanika_ and Guess The Bias! by HelloMyAlien7 on Ao3

Warnings: Reader is p anxious lol. Sort of panic attack? Anxiety attack? idk man. Just anxious Reader.

Masterlist Link <3 | Prev Part Link c: | Next Part Link :D

By the time the SUV is pulling into the underground parking garage to meet the band in you’re sweating buckets. Not literally, thank the stars, but you feel near to it. Hannuel smiles kindly at you from the driver’s seat, obviously able to see your nerves. You’re pretty sure a satellite could see your nerves right now.

“You’ll be fine.” She soothes as the car descends. “The boys are super nice, and they’re excited to meet you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” You suck in a deep breath in response and let it out. It doesn’t help much.

“I’m more nervous about ARMY not liking me than BTS not liking me.” You admit with a nervous laugh, consciously switching to twisting your rings around so you don't pick at your nails in your anxiety. Having bloody fingers while meeting your favorite group would not be a good look. “Also they intimidate me.” You add quietly.

You hear Hannuel stifle a snicker and your head shoots up to glare at her in affront. She’s supposed to support you, not laugh at you! She must see your mulish stare in the rear-view, because she quickly defends herself.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m not laughing at you, I promise. It’s just that they’re so silly sometimes, it’s hard to find them intimidating after having known them.” You easily concede the point to her. You'd seen enough behind the scenes content to get that impression. It’s a bit soothing to hear from an actual staff member though. “They’re the sweetest, really,” Hannuel continues, “You’ve genuinely got nothing to worry about. They’ll take care of you.”

You groan and let your head thump against the seat. “That’s part of the problem!” You complain, “It’s my first time on this side of a camera, it’s my first time meeting BTS, it’s my first time being in Korea, It’s just a lot! What if ARMY sees me fumbling and the boys helping me and decide they hate me? I can’t be hated by ARMY! I’d die!” You dramatically slump sideways, coincidentally timed with a turn that scootches you that much farther over.

Score one for dramatics.

Hannuel laughs gently at you, and you continue somewhat more seriously from your slumped position. “I mean, ARMY is basically my home. I don’t know what I’d do if they hated me.” You murmur into the leather cushion.

Hannuel hums musingly at you and the two of you lapse into silence for a moment.

“Well,” She starts, “First of all, you probably already know that you can never please everyone.” You nod miserably, aware that she could no longer see you. Both your therapist and your friends had told you as much many times. She continues, “But ARMY loves to see the boys interact with other ARMY. It’s another way they get to know them and feel connected. If you ask me, you’ll have more people projecting onto you than judging you. Not that they won’t judge, but” She shrugs, “People always do.”

You slowly sit up and shoot an admiring look at the woman. “Woah,” you mumble, “How are you so wise?”

Hannuel barks out a surprised laugh. “Life experience, mostly.” She replies amusedly.

You settle back into your seat and finally notice that Hannuel had stopped the car before what you assume to be the final turn before the boys would be in view. You feel a rush of gratefulness for her.

You hadn’t known her very long, but Hannuel had already been an incredible help and a very soothing presence to you. You should buy her something nice before you leave if you get the chance. See if you can send a gift basket through Hybe for her if you don't.

She starts the car rolling forward again as you reappear in the rear-view mirror, fully over your momentary theatrics. You take another deep breath and let it out again. It helps more this time.

“It’s not like my socials are public or anything either," You soothe yourself aloud, "And my friends already know me, they’re just excited. Everyone else is secondary.”

“Exactly” Hannuel affirms. You startle just a bit and then try to pretend you hadn’t forgotten she could hear you. Luckily, she’s too busy driving the car to notice. “Like I said, you’ll be just fine.”

Unfortunately for Hannuel’s encouraging words, you’d finally rolled close enough for you to spot seven men standing near 3 other SUVs just ahead and you were suddenly incapable of hearing anything anymore.

Static fills your brain as you study them. You register the casual clothes, watch them nudge each other excitedly as they notice your vehicle, even note the camera crew nearby, but not a single thought makes it past the haze of panic. Distantly, you wonder if this is what an adrenaline rush feels like. You suddenly can’t remember.

Your heartbeat thuds in your ears as the car comes to a gentle stop.

You absently bring one hand up to the pulse point under your jaw to measure your pulse and raise the other to your chest to make sure you’re still breathing. Hannuel is repeating instructions for your benefit in the front seat, but you simply cannot engage your brain enough to listen. All too soon she's exiting the car. You manage to tear your hands away from their comforting positions as she comes around and opens your door for you.

Hannuel helps you down as you duck out of the car and gives you a brief sympathetic smile as she takes your trembling hand.

Excited exclamations meet your arrival and you hastily paste confidence over your every mannerism as you lift both hands to wave back with equal excitement. Hannuel is the only one close enough to be able to see your hands continuing to shake, or note the fact that you stop breathing as you approach BTS.

You hope your smile isn't too tight and that you look appropriately excited. Hopefully whatever the cameras are seeing right now can be explained by excitement and reasonable nerves. You'll take your near panic-attack to the nearest private space, thanks.

["Hello! Oh my goodness, hi!" You release your held breath and end up attempting a sort of half-bow-half-handshake combo with RM that looks and feels incredibly awkward.

You’re mentally screaming apologies to him and despairing your lack of social graces as you move to greet the next member, one Kim Seokjin. You're not sure you can recover from this. You may just have to perish right here right now.

Blessedly, the man takes the lead for the interaction, opening his arms for a hug. You hesitate for a moment, double checking that he was giving you permission to hug him, before gratefully diving into the embrace.

The hug is a standard, friendly thing. Just a bit of a lean in and affectionate tap-tap-taps to eachothers upper back. It relaxes you immensely.

It helps that he more passes you to the next member down the line than let's you completely reset for a new interaction. No chance of awkwardness in pre-established patterns.

In this manner, you gain a hug from most of the other members as well. Yoongi is the only one who declines, offering a handshake that goes much more smoothly than your initial one with RM.

Once you're done with greetings, the PD introduces you, prompting you to wave and bow at them. You're sure it looks awkward because you feel awkward, but at least it gets done. ]

[jj-maybanks-daughter]

Panic

Y/n came home from school and stormed off to her room. john b let jj maybank, her dad know how’s she’s been off. jj found his lighter in her room, after she tried to use it for sh. jj found out when she had a panic attack.

warnings

sh, panic attacks, cursing, terrible writing

“hey kid,” your uncle jb said as you slumped through the door dropping all of your school stuff as soon as you came in. 

you walked right past him to your bedroom and shut the door, loudly. 

“damn, somebody’s in a mood,” he joked with her, he got no response. he repeated what he just said, but to himself. 

a bout thirty minutes went by, your body was aching to feel something. you didn’t care what it was, but it needed something. 

sh was like a drug to y/n. nobody knew about it, she made sure to keep it secretive, even though she knew the pogues could help. it’s like a comfort thing, something she can control, unlike the million things that she can’t. 

she opened her door quiet enough for john b not to notice, she had gotten pretty good at that. she tiptoed into the kitchen, where she knew her dads lighter would be. 

she snatched it, and went as carefully back to her room as she did coming out. she sighed of relief, needing this all day.

she slumped on her floor, leaning against the wall behind her, and pulled her pants down, to reach the spot she always hit. 

she did it on tge middle part of her thighs, convinced no one would do it. she started to light it, but it didn’t work. she tried around 15 times more, before having a meltdown. 

other pov

“hey, john b have you seen my lighter?” jj asked as he walked through the sliding door.

“nah, where was it”

“kitchen table.”

“i saw y/n walk in there, maybe she’s seen it.”

y/n didn’t know john b saw her.

a few seconds later, they heard a wail, coming from your room. not of pain, but of frustration.  “FUCK” came after it 

“jeez, what’s wrong with her?” jj asked, wondering if john b knew. 

“man, i ask myself the same question everyday when she comes home from school.” 

“bro what-“ jj said giving him a confused look. “bro why didn’t you tell me, something could be wrong.” jj started running to his daughters room.

“y/n, can i come in?” he started twisting the handle, but it was locked. “kid, let me in” he yelled into the door.  he grabbed a pin from the floor to pick it when she opened the door. 

“what.” y/n said with an attitude, peeking open the door. 

“what happened, kid?” he asked looking concerned. 

she had to come up with a quick lie. “i um… stubbed my toe.” 

“well ok…l” he replied “have you seen my lighter?” 

jj opened the door to see what was happening in her room. he saw the lighter on her dresser and barged in. 

“what. the. HELL. is my lighter doing in your room.”

“jeez dad get out of my room!” she pushed him but he didn’t even stumble. 

“i’m not asking again, y/n.” he said, trying to keep his cool. 

“it doesn’t matter it’s out anyway. she replied shoving him out of the room, rolling her eyes.  he planted his feet and made sure his daughter couldn’t push him out. 

“y/n” he said sternly, “i’m not leaving until you tell me.”

“fine then i’ll leave.” she walked out and sat on the couch in the living room. “stop following me, GOD!” 

“watch your attitude young lady” john b said to her, defending his best friend.

she started shaking and she had a hard time breathing. “woah kid what’s wrong” john b asked. jj caught her and brought her to the floor, so she wouldn’t fall.

“what’s happening?” john b asked.

“panic attack, this happens a lot.” he rubbed her back and helped her catch her breath. “your ok, breath.” he counted in and out, a breathing exercise you do a lot.

he noticed the burn marks on her legs, his heart broke for her, but he wouldn’t say abyrhing about it now when she’s already in a bad state. 

y/n collected herself, knowing that her dad saw the burns on her legs, she pulled her shorts back over it. 

“hey kid…what’s going on?” jj said in a loving voice.

“it’s just…” y/n started crying.  “i don’t know im just stressed.” she said burying her head into her dads shoulder as he rubbed her back.

“we’re going to get you help, ok? i don’t want you doing this to yourself, babe. there’s other ways to deal with it. i wish you came to me before.” he said trying to keep strong but he couldn’t help but feel guilty for her actions. 

“ok… im sorry” 

“its ok, babe.” he said as john b joined their hug on the floor as she cried. 

“i don’t know why” she sobbed 

“i know baby, its ok” he said 

the next jj called a therapist, and let her skip school. she started going and felt better.

her aunts and uncles were happy to see their baby girl back to her normal self.

[chaoticm0therfvcker]

A Golden Halloween (CRK modern AU)

Summary: it’s Halloween at the Golden Cheese household, and things are a bit chaotic, due to a new addition to the family. Despite all the chaos and frustration, that doesn’t stop an adorable moment from taking place

A/N: in the modern au of a friend of mine, there’s a hc that golden cheese is ace/aro. Based on the other characters from the golden cheese update, I headcanon that golden cheese adopted burnt cheese, mozzarella, and fettuccine. Hope you enjoy!

Being a mother was hard.

Especially being the mother of three adopted kids, two of which have been in the system long enough to have some serious emotional baggage. Nonetheless, Golden Cheese was willing to do what she could to take care of these kids.

It was the night of Halloween, a time of excitement and costumes and candy and lots of spooky fun. Golden Cheese had been through it for several years, but this year was a bit different. It was different because about a year ago, Golden Cheese adopted her youngest daughter; Fettuccine.

Fettuccine’s adoption was a little bit different than Golden’s other children, Burnt Cheese and Mozzarella. While Burnt Cheese and Mozzarella were already emotionally damaged teenagers by the time they were adopted, they had a relatively easy time warming up to Golden Cheese as soon as they saw how much she cared for them, including how much money she was willing to invest into their food, clothing, and hobbies.

Fettuccine however, was different.

She was such a timid little girl, hiding behind just about anyone taller than her and only saying a few words at a time. When Golden Cheese met her for the first time, she could see that she was very isolated, struggling with social situations. Messy yellow hair was tied into pigtails with orange and green bows, and her arms and hands sported a mess of bandages and medical tape. While Golden filled out the paperwork to take her home, the social worker explained Fettuccine’s situation.

“I’m not sure what she went through before she got here, but it was definitely not safe for a little kid,” the social worker explained, “poor kid was so small for her age, and would hide wherever she could. In cabinets, behind couches, and if she couldn’t find a place to hide, she would resort to kicking, scratching and crying. She hates having her hair brushed, and she’s pretty accident prone from how quickly she dives into hiding spots.”

“I promise I’ll do whatever I can to take care of her,” Golden Cheese replied, “I know it can be hard to deal with a situation like this.”

The first six months was one of the hardest times of Golden’s motherhood. As the social worker had warned, Fettuccine cookie hid in her room a lot, and whenever Golden had to bathe her or brush her hair, Fettuccine would do whatever she could to defend herself, whether that was scratching, screaming, kicking, or even the occasional bite.

Luckily, Fettuccine started to slightly warm up to Golden Cheese, and as she grew more attached, one of Fettuccine’s favorite hiding spots was underneath Golden’s shirt.

Once Fettuccine warmed up to Golden Cheese, she was surprisingly quick to warm up to Burnt Cheese and Mozzarella as well. However, communication was still an issue. Despite her age, Fettuccine only knew a couple of words and short phrases, her favorite ones being “scared” and “I want snack”.

And now, this was an exciting day for her, as it was her very first Halloween. She was dressed up as a cute little mummy, and Golden Cheese was dressed up as a goddess from a video game she played often, ready to take Fettuccine trick or treating.

Currently, they were in front of a nearby house where several kids were walking up to collect candy to add to their stash.

Once they had walked up the driveway together, Golden Cheese knelt down to face Fettuccine cookie, putting a comforting hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

“Okay kiddo, you’re gonna knock on the door and yell ‘trick or treat’. After a minute, someone should open the door and give you candy. They might ask you what your costume is, and if they do you’re gonna say ‘I’m a mummy’ okay?”

Fettuccine nodded and smiled, clutching her little plastic jack-o-lantern. “Okay mommy.”

Fettuccine padded up to the door and knocked on it with her tiny fist, yelling “Trick or treat!” As loudly as she could. Soon after, the door opened, and an older lady answered the door.

“Hey there kiddo,” she started, “what are you dressed up as?”

“I’m a mummy!” Fettuccine announced excitedly. After a moment, her smile faded. “You… scared?”

The woman chuckled lightheartedly. “Not at all! Your costume is just the cutest. Here, take as much candy as you want.” Offering the bowl to Fettuccine.

Fettuccine’s eyes lit up with excitement and she took two fistfuls of candy, dumping them into her little plastic jack-o-lantern. “Thank you!”

“Have a good night, happy Halloween!” The woman replied, waving goodbye to Golden Cheese and Fettuccine.

After that, Golden and Fettuccine visited as many houses in the neighborhood as they could, Fettuccine excitedly accepting candy from each house until her legs grew tired. By the end of their little adventure, Fettuccine had collected a mountain of candy, so much so that Golden Cheese had to put some in the extra bag she brought in case Fettuccine ran out of room in her bucket.

Once they had returned home, Fettuccine was very proud of her earnings from the night, and Golden Cheese couldn’t be prouder of how brave her daughter was that night, interacting with so many people and learning new phrases she had never used previously.

For the rest of the night, Fettuccine, Golden Cheese, Burnt Cheese, and Mozzarella all sat together in the living room, eating candy and watching the Halloween specials from all of Fettuccine’s favorite cartoons until Fettuccine drifted off to sleep in Golden’s lap. In that moment, Golden knew that despite all the obstacles that she had faced while taking care of Fettuccine, it was all worth the struggle, and she couldn’t wait to see what was to come of this little family of hers.

Taglist: @janayuga @katsunemillennium

[ruth-writes]

What's My Age Again?: Chapter 5

I decided on a name! The hashtag is gonna be whatismyageagain so it won't get mixed up with the song

Alex's POV

Content warnings: mentions of self harm and abuse

I scanned through the apartment listings as Professor Andrews droned on and on. I’d already had five viewings in the past few days and felt pretty good about the last two, but I wouldn’t stop anxiously setting up more until I’d signed a contract with someone. I was so engrossed, it took me a few seconds to realize everyone had started packing their things. Was class already over? Fuck.

“Do you want my notes from today, too?” Riley asked, glancing over at my empty google doc.

“Yes, please. Thank you so, so much,” I replied gratefully.

“It’s really not a big deal,” they said. “I’m taking the notes anyways. By the way, I’m meeting Billie and Aaliyah for lunch, do you want to come?”

“I don’t know, I’m kind of busy,” I replied automatically. I had two viewings this afternoon, had to pick Jamie up from school, and now I had to revise Riley’s notes.

“Oh, come on. You have to eat something either way,” Riley argued as we started filing out of the lecture hall.

They had a point there, especially since I’d already skipped breakfast. I wondered if Riley was being so insistent because my stomach had been growling loud enough to create aggravating background noise to the already boring lecture. Plus, it would be nice to see Aaliyah again, so I let Riley lead me to one of the two taco trucks on campus.

“Alex!” Aaliyah called when she saw us. She gave me an enthusiastic hug, the spikes on her necklace poking into my chest.

“Hey!” I said, hugging her back and praying she couldn’t hear my hear thumping loudly.

Billie seemed happy enough to see me as well, at least that’s what I got from the quick side hug we gave each other. I scanned the menu as I got in line behind them, slightly regretting setting myself up for eating one of the messiest foods ever in front of Aaliyah.

“How’ve you been?” Billie asked me. “I haven’t seen you since… well, you know.”

“Fine, I guess. I’ve been pretty busy figuring everything out,” I replied, trying to be vague and honest at the same time.

“Well, if you need anything, let us know,” Riley chimed in. They all agreed, making me smile. I got the feeling they truly meant it.

“How was Andrews?” Aaliyah asked, thankfully changing the subject.

Riley rolled their eyes. “I have never in my life met a person who can take interesting subjects and make them that boring. I’m pretty sure Alex fell asleep.”

“Okay, rude,” I defended myself. “I didn’t remember a thing, but I was awake.”

“Whatever.”

We made more small talk, finding a picnic table. Thankfully, we were all a complete mess while eating our tacos, which made me feel better.

“Oh, God,” Billie groaned, looking over my shoulder. “Heads up, wannabe jock coming over.”

I turned around to see Sam strutting towards us. “Hey, Alex!” He then eyed Billie, who uncomfortably pulled her jacket closed to cover her chest. “Damn, Bille. That top sure looks good on you.”

“Dude, what do you want?” Aaliyah snapped, getting up to place herself protectively in front of Billie.

Sam took a step back. “Whoa, sorry. I just came over to talk to my friend Alex here.” Damn it, why did he have to pull me into this? He clapped my back unnecessarily hard. “How’ve you been, buddy? I haven’t seen you since you moved out without telling me.”

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at me expectantly. I cleared my throat. “Look, Sam, I think that maybe you should leave. You’re being kind of weird, you know?” I didn’t speak with half the confidence Aaliyah had, but of course Sam listened to me more than her. He left, mumbling something about how no one could take a compliment these days, and Aaliyah returned to the bench after she was satisfied that he was far enough away.

“I can’t believe- oh, shit!” Riley swore as their taco ripped at the bottom, spilling chunks of tomato and beans onto the table. Aaliyah grabbed one of her extra napkins and started cleaning it up. Once they’d managed to get the tinfoil to hold their salvageable taco remnants, Riley started again. “I can’t believe you had to live with that asshole.”

It took me a second to realize they were talking to me. “Oh, it wasn’t too bad. He’s annoying, but he kind of grows on you after a while.”

Billie raised an eyebrow. “I hope he didn’t grow on you too much.”

“No!” I frantically tried to correct my mistake. “I know he’s an asshole. I didn’t mean that I like him or anything, just that I learned to live with him.” I eyed Aaliyah, trying to figure out if my comment took me out of her good graces. It seemed like a fragile thing with her, where a single misstep could have you falling out. She smiled at me while rolling up the napkins, making me relax.

“You don’t have much of a choice with dorms, do you?” Riley pointed out.

“Yeah, what’s your roommate like?” I asked, hoping to turn the conversation away from me and Sam.

“They’re fine. We don’t talk much,” Riley answered. “The only thing I hate is their fucking awful alarm.”

“I keep telling you to just-“ Aaliyah tried to cut in, but Riley interrupted her.

“Yeah, yeah, talk to them about it. I don’t want to upset the ecosystem, okay? You’ll get it once you get a roommate someday.”

The last part seemed kind of pointed. I suddenly felt uncomfortable as I watched Aaliyah stew in silence with a look that said she still thought she was right. I assumed this was how it felt to be at a friend’s house when they got into a fight with their parents.

Billie and Riley both ignored her look in a way that felt like it was a common routine for them. Instead, Riley asked, “Does anyone want to go out tonight?”

Aaliyah shook her head and declined. I did the same, so Riley and Billie started talking about where to go. I zoned out of their conversation, locking eyes with Aaliyah, who seemed to be doing the same. We sent each other awkward glances until Billie and Aaliyah’s phones chimed at the same time. They checked them and groaned.

“Jenny?” Riley asked sympathetically, and Aaliyah nodded.

“Who’s Jenny?” I asked curiously.

“Our boss,” Aaliyah explained. “We don’t like her.”

That much was apparent from their expressions. “From the dance studio?” I remembered.

They both nodded bud didn’t elaborate, just typed a few words and put their phones a way again.

After checking the time, I got up and announced, “I think I’m gonna go to the library.”

They looked surprised but started waving me goodbye.

“Hey, I’m helping organize this thing on campus tomorrow,” Aaliyah stopped me before I could leave. “You should come, I can text you the details.”

Was I imagining the giggles Billie and Riley seemed to be having trouble suppressing? “Sure, I’ll try,” I told her, even though I already knew there was a slim chance of me being able to make it.

--------------------

Jamie and I had established a routine when I picked him up.

“How was your day?” I would ask in the most casual way I could.

He’d shrug his shoulders and say, “Fine.”

“Did you meet anyone nice?”

Shrug.

“Are you hungry?”

Shrug.

“Do you have any homework?”

Shrug and sometimes a “yeah”.

It was getting hard for me to keep a straight face during it. Any information I had on his feelings was mostly guesswork, but if they were anything like mine, we were heading towards impending disaster. We’d go home, he’d take a snack from the kitchen and shut himself in his room until it was time for dinner. In the beginning, I’d thought it was good to give him space, but now I wasn’t sure. I’d sit on the couch, trying to think of something to say to him while my nails dug deeper and deeper into my skin. Sometimes they were stained red when I pulled them away.

Today, as we were driving along the already familiar route, my knuckles white as I gripped the steering wheel as tightly as I could to get through the excruciating silence, a car in front of us suddenly stopped.

“Fuck!” I shouted as I slammed my foot onto the brakes, coming to a stop just before I hit their taillights. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck?” I turned to Jamie to ask if he was okay, but the words got stuck in my throat. He’d grabbed the handle in his panic, causing his long sleeves to fall, revealing cuts on his forearms that were all too similar to mine.

He immediately pulled them back once he saw me looking and turned his face to the window. I let him, allowing the silence to envelop us until we got to the Airbnb. As he immediately headed towards his room, panic started to swell inside of me.

“Jamie,” I blurted out, causing him to turn to me. I swallowed.

“What?” he asked snappishly when I simply stared at him, already impatiently retreating. Whatever I was going to say, I had to do it now.

“I thought you could help with dinner tonight,” I told him.

He didn’t look happy. “Do I have to?”

“Yes,” I said more forcefully, a twinge of annoyance rising in my chest. “You live here, too. It wouldn’t hurt for you to start pulling some weight.”

He looked as taken aback by the sentence as I was, but it had its effect. “Whatever,” he muttered. “Let me know when you need me.” With that, he shut the door behind him.

I had him help me cut the veggies, which meant we were sitting across from each other at the dining table that doubled as the only workspace in the small kitchen. It reminded me of the few times Mom and John would go on trips and leave us alone. It would allow us rare occasions of moving freely throughout the house, and some of my favorite memories of us cooking actual good food were created then. I hadn’t known a thing about flavors or spices, but Google was a good teacher.

“Do you know how much longer we’re gonna stay here?” Jamie asked finally.

“We’ll see,” I told him. “I’m supposed to get an answer from a few places tomorrow.”

“Are they further away from school?” he asked.

“Some are, but you’ll be able to take the bus.” Not having to drive him every day was gonna take a shit ton off my plate. “Are you excited?” I prodded gently.

He shrugged. “It’ll just be nice to have a more permanent place, you know?”

I did. I couldn’t wait to have my own room again. “If you want, you can start looking for furniture,” I suggested. “You’ll need a new bed and stuff.”

He brightened. “I can pick stuff out myself?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, as long as it’s cheap. We can go through Ebay together.”

He looked kind of awed. “I thought we’d be driving back to Chicago to get the rest of our stuff,” he admitted.

I shook my head. “No. We’d need a bigger car, and we can just use the gas money for new furniture. Besides,” I added the last part darkly, “I don’t ever want to go back there.”

He was silent, then said in a small voice, “Yeah, me neither.”

I grabbed the last carrot, cutting off the ends before quartering it into four long pieces. “Do you feel better now that you’re here?” I tried, hoping he wouldn’t shut me out.

He finished cutting his pepper and started filling the pieces into the large bowl I’d placed between us. “I guess. I’m glad I’m here, with you.” It was the first time he’d said that, or anything particularly nice, since we’d gotten here, and it made my lips tug into a smile. “I miss Holden, though. He made school a lot easier.”

Holden. Guilt tugged at me as I thought of the way I’d treated him at the hospital. It was becoming clear that he’d been there for Jamie where I’d failed. “Have you talked to him?”

Jamie nodded. He didn’t have any veggies left, so he pulled a knee to his chest and watched me cut. “Yeah, we text every day.”

I didn’t know much about relationships, but that didn’t seem like the healthiest way to handle a breakup. “Have you made any friends at school?”

“Not really,” he admitted, confirming my fears.

The words tumbled out of me before I could think them through. “You know, I have some friends who work at a dance studio. Maybe they could set up a trial class if you want to check it out.”

He frowned. “You have friends?”

Ouch. “Yes, I have friends. What did I say about being mean?”

He actually looked apologetic. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just… surprised. You’ve never had friends before.”

I decided to ignore the comment. “Do you want to try it out or not?”

He hesitated. “Like, an actual dance studio? Isn’t that gonna cost money?”

“Don’t worry about that,” I dismissed. I’d pick up fifty extra shifts per week if it meant Jamie getting out of his room.

His hesitant smile grew wider. “Okay, sure.”

---------------------

The thing Aaliyah organizing turned out to be a protest about something to do with housing. I saw her immediately, standing in front of the maybe fifty people and shouting into a megaphone.

When she saw me, she handed the megaphone to the curly-haired person next to her and jogged over. “You came!” She threw her arms around me.

“Of course!” It hadn’t been entirely by choice, as the protest was in front of the building I’d just had my English lecture in.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” She dragged me towards the crowd and started telling me names, none of which I remembered. None of them mattered anyway, because soon I was just following her and doing my best to blend into the crowd by copying the slogans everyone was shouting. Aaliyah was the opposite, routinely taking the megaphone again and starting her own chants.

When it was over, everyone started to disperse, some taking the signs with them. I doubted the protest had made much of a difference besides bothering a few students.

“What did you think?” Aaliyah asked me as we were leaving.

“I don’t know,” I replied truthfully. “I’ve never been to a protest before.”

“Really?” She seemed surprised, which made me feel somewhat embarrassed.

“Yeah, I’ve never really had the time,” I defended myself.

She was still skeptical. “Well, I think people should always make time for politics. This stuff directly affects you, you know. Like, we were protesting for lower rent, and you’re looking for an apartment right now.”

I knew that. I wasn’t dumb. “Well, what happens now?” I challenged her.

“What do you mean?” Her jewelry clacked as she looked up at me.

“I mean, you all came here, made some noise, and now you’re leaving.” I motioned to the now empty space, free of any sign that the protest had ever been there. “How does that change anything? Politicians and landlords won’t care, they’ll just ignore you.”

“Okay, I’ll admit this wasn’t necessarily the most affective thing I’ve ever done,” she relented. “Peaceful protests never are. But we’re organizing, which means we can set up other things. Like, we do mutual aid for unhoused people. And we’re raising awareness.”

I didn’t know what mutual aid meant exactly, but it did sound more meaningful. “That makes sense, I guess.”

She grinned. “How do you feel about discussing this more over coffee?”

“I don’t really drink coffee,” I admitted. “And I have to go to work. It’s probably not very busy now, though. You can come and hang out if you want.”

She agreed, which made it a lot harder to focus as she smiled at me from across the counter, sipping on her hot chocolate. It turned out she wasn’t much of a coffee person, either.”

“Excuse me, are you dumb? My son wants a cookie, just give him one,” a lady was yelling at me.

“Ma’am, as I said, we don’t sell cookies,” I explained again in my overly friendly customer service voice. “I can offer you muffins and a variety of sandwiches.”

“He doesn’t want a muffin, he wants a cookie,” she snapped. “Honestly, this generation knows nothing about good customer service. What kind of café doesn’t sell cookies?”

I shared a ‘what the fuck’ glance with Aaliyah, who surprised me by coming to my rescue. “Lady, he already told you they don’t sell them. Just go somewhere else. There’s like, three more cafés on this block.”

If looks could kill, Aaliyah would have been incinerated on the spot. The woman huffed and marched out the door, dragging her poor son with her. I sighed, wishing some billionaire would invent a substance to inject into people’s brains at birth to make them be polite. Forget government surveillance, customer service workers need chip technology more.

“Thanks,” I said to Aaliyah, walking over to her. We were now the only ones in the small space. Most customers ordered to go rather than sitting on an uncomfortable chair in the dimly lit room.

“No problem. Do you get people like her a lot?” she asked.

I grimaced. “Unfortunately.”

“How much are they paying you again?”

I still wasn’t used to her bluntness. “Uh, minimum wage,” I answered uncomfortably.

“Is that what your coworkers are earning, too?”

“I actually don’t know,” I admitted.

“You should ask around,” she said matter-of-factly. “Not asking is how they rip you off.”

“Yeah, maybe I will,” I lied. I’d only been here a few months, I didn’t want to start rocking the boat. “By the way, how much do classes at your studio cost? They didn’t say anything on the website.” I braced myself for what was probably gonna be a number way out of my budget.

She let out a sigh of annoyance. “Yeah, Jenny thinks writing the prices will scare away potential students.” Okay, so they were definitely high enough for me to forget about it. My heart wrenched at having to explain that one to Jamie. Maybe I could- “Are you asking for your brother? ‘Cause I have an employee discount I get to use for one person. I could use it for him.”

I blinked, surprised at her offer. She definitely wasn’t joking, and she said it so casually I didn’t know how to react. “Really? That’s so nice, but you don’t have to do that. If you can only use it for one person-”

“Alex, it’s fine. Really.” She said it with a gentle smile that made her brown eyes light up. “I wouldn’t be offering if it wasn’t fine.”

That was probably true. In the short time I’d known Aaliyah, I’d come to understand that she was an incredibly honest person. “Okay, if you’re sure. How much would it be with the discount, then?”

She hesitated. “Um, well, how much can you afford?” she asked uncertainly.

I frowned. “What does that have to do with it?”

She took a long sip of her hot chocolate before answering. “I’m just trying to figure out what class would work,” she said when she finally set her cup down.

“Oh.” I was still a little confused but chuckled when she looked up at me. “You have some hot chocolate in your face.”

Her eyebrows scrunched together in the cutest way possible. “Where?”

“It’s like, on your upper lip.”

She dabbed at it with a napkin. “Gone?”

“…yeah.”

She frowned again. “Why did you hesitate?”

“I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did,” she accused. “Is it really gone?”

“Yes,” I promised. “I just wasn’t entirely sure.”

She studied me for a moment, then got out her phone and looked in the selfie camera. When she was satisfied, I was telling the truth, she put it away. “What were we talking about?”

“Class prices,” I supplied. “I think I could afford like… ten dollars a class?” Shame rolled over me as I told her the small number, but lying about what you could afford only tended to get you into worse positions. “I mean, that’s what I have right now. If I picked up some extra shifts, that would get me higher. Maybe to like, thirty.”

She was back to being matter-of-fact. “No, you don’t have to do that. There’s a contemporary class on Wednesdays that could be ten with the discount.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. “How much is it usually?”

“Forty bucks. The discount is pretty high since I teach the class.”

“Wow. That would be great, obviously. Thank you so much.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m just glad I could help.” She smiled at me again, then moved her hand forwards so her fingertips were brushing with mine, making my heart lurch.

We were interrupted by the bell ringing as a string of students walked in. I went over to serve them, falling back into my customer service routine. It went on for the next forty-five minutes, barely giving me time to even glance at Aaliyah as more and more students filed in. Only one customer was from a different demographic- an older lady with a dog. Aaliyah watched me silently at first, then eventually got out her laptop.

“What are you working on?” I asked after the last customer left, wiping down the counter to clean up their messes. She lifted her laptop so I could wipe there, too.

“Just an info post about the protest for Instagram,” she answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world. She looked around. “Is everyone gone?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty quiet during class times,” I explained. “They usually come in waves during the breaks.”

“Oh. That’s sounds pretty nifty. It must be nice having it be so predictable.”

“I guess. It gets kind of boring sometimes.”

“Maybe I could visit you more often, then,” she said with a small smile.

I felt my cheeks warm. “Yeah, that would be cool.”

She propped an elbow on the counter, resting her chin on her hand. “How have you been, anyway? The stuff with your brother must have been pretty stressful. What’s his name again? Jamie, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. It is, but it’s nothing I’m not used to. I always knew this was gonna happen.”

She looked uneasy. “You knew he’d end up in the hospital?”

“I knew he’d have to come live with me,” I clarified. “I didn’t see the hospital coming. I really fucked that one up.” I bit my lip to keep a straight face.

“You can’t blame yourself,” she said gently. “You didn’t put him there.”

I swallowed. I knew she was trying to help, but she didn’t have any idea what she was talking about. “I just wish I’d been paying more attention,” I explained with a lump in my throat. “I shouldn’t have misjudged the situation the way I did.”

“The situation with your dad?”

“With Jamie’s dad. We’re half-brothers, technically, but I haven’t seen my dad since I was three. He lives in California with my brother.”

“Oh yeah, I remember. The one paying for your tuition, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

She switched her head to her other hand. “So, were you always taking care of Jamie? ‘Cause you said you were used to it.”

It was probably too early in our relationship to trauma dump this much, but since she was asking, I said, “Yeah, pretty much. He was an accident, and for some goddamn reason they decided to keep him even though they already hated having me around. But I don’t resent him or anything. I love him more than anything.” I could already feel the guilt rising and grabbed a napkin to wipe at the tears forming in my eyes. “Oh God, sorry. This is embarrassing.”

“It’s not!” she said immediately. “It’s fucking normal, especially with what you’re going through.” I expected her to add something about how men not crying had something to do with the patriarchy, but she seemed to realize this wasn’t the time for a sociology lesson.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me. I’m just telling the truth.”

I laughed. “Yeah, but I don’t mean just that. Thanks for everything. You barely know me, but you drove me half the way to Chicago, now you’re giving me the discount…” I grabbed another napkin to stop even more tears, but it was hopeless. They were falling uncontrollably now.

She smiled. “Well, the drive was an emergency. I wasn’t gonna let you drive drunk.”

She held my hand for a bit, then walked behind the counter to hug me. She was a good hugger, her arms wrapping tightly around my chest without making me feel suffocated.

“I’m probably getting tears in your hair,” I apologized once I could somewhat talk again.

“Don’t worry about it.”

I glanced at the clock, realizing it would be pretty embarrassing if a customer came in now. “I should probably go freshen up a bit before the next rush,” I told her, extracting myself from the hug.

“Are you sure you’re okay to keep working?”

“I mean, I don’t have much of a choice,” I pointed out.

“Fair enough,” she relented, though she didn’t look happy about letting me go.

[soobrat]

cynics; jns

part viii (final)

masterlist

words; 32k (don't even say anything)

genre; angst, smut, and fluff (the gang's all here)

warnings; descriptions of gore, mc cuts her finger on glass, mentions of revenge porn, toxic relationship(s), manipulation, cunnilingus, fingering, piv, looong dick, multiple orgasms (2), making love, l bomb, unprotected sex, choking, body worship

preface; the song for this lengthy part (especially near the middle-ish end) is The Loneliest Time by Carly Rae Jepson. I think that song perfectly encapsulates the bittersweet feeling a lot of this final chapter has. Since this chapter is unseemly in its length, I separated this with color-coded dividers so you can take a break and come back. I would’ve just separated this, in all honesty, it shouldn’t have been the last chapter yet now that I laid it out, but it’s been dragged out for too long. 

So here it is! Here Cynics was and what a ride it has been. I really hope you guys enjoyed this fic and its ending, despite me not setting up the characters and plot points up super well. Thank you for all the amazing love for this fic, I’m not sure I could’ve finished it without the incredibly sweet asks and engaging conversations. Thank you a million times~

The air is frigid as you look over the posts from user purkyung. Just as large as you before joining the Dreamies. For a moment you viewed her as a possible rival. Not because you were jealous of her or felt threatened by her, but because you were too similar to ignore. No one said anything, but you could tell people were thinking it.

Chaekyung looked like the perfect cast for the love interest in a coming-of-age story. One written by a man to entertain like-minded men. She’s pretty in a believable way. You can vividly picture her in a domestic setting. 

She played comfort games and had a substantial female audience, again, similar to yours. She didn’t ask for it or even market herself toward them, but she had a decent amount of keen male eyes on her. Enough to make her pull her shirt higher and angle her camera to cut off before her belly button.

Chaekyung, like many others, was disgusted by the breaking news. She stated as much publicly because she didn’t want to see women once again be disregarded for their well-being on such a large scale. And her daring to say as much earned her a full scale attack.

There were so many people speaking out against whoever was responsible. They had hashtags trending on multiple platforms to announce their distaste for what happened. Of course, there were people suggesting the backlash was overblown and loudly opposing, but the message was clear. People were not happy and they didn’t want this to happen again. And yet Chaekyung was still successfully torn to shreds. 

People spammed unflattering pictures of her under her tweets, flooded her DMs, and made countless tweets of their own trashing her and condemning anyone that supported her. If you defended her you better hope your account was private. It was the type of relentless attack that you could only gawk at in horror as she posts screenshots and begs for someone to step in. For one reason or another, no one did. They stepped back and hoped she had loving people around her offline.

Even with a temporary roommate and boyfriend, your house is still empty most of the time. Taeyong is busy dealing with the aftermath of the group chat leak. The people involved are still up in the air and some people have even started to accuse you. It’s a minuscule minority, but they cite your silence on the situation as suspicious. You and Johnny both have yet to say anything. In a painfully familiar instance, a couple of twitter users accuse you of protecting YangYang. But things are going well for you right now.

So you exit twitter.

Johnny, on the other hand, slips out early in the morning and comes back when you’re already asleep. The only time you see him is when you catch glimpses of him leaving. It can’t be comfortable on your couch and he couldn’t be sleeping that much with such an insane schedule. You don’t go to sleep early. He must be coming back around 2 am. 

While you’re deep in thought, someone walks through the door. “Hey.” Taeyong ruffles your hair as he walks past you. “Productive day?” He asks, peering back for a moment before reaching for the half empty coffee pot.

With a stupid smile plastered on your face, you shrug. “Um… not really. I don’t stream today so I just sat around.”

Taeyong pours himself a glass before taking a sip. “Do you remember what we talked about?” 

You gasp, you had completely forgotten. Looking down, you clench the mug of coffee you’d been nursing. Maybe it was for the best you didn’t remember. You nip at the dead skin on your lip. “Well, I remember now.”

“You should consider it.” Taeyong sets a hand on your shoulder. “It’ll be good for you.”

“I don’t know, Tae. Everything is already going great…”

“I know you saw those tweets, right?”

Your hand loosens on the mug as you swallow. “What, the ones accusing me? It’s insubstantial.” You say in a strange attempt to appeal to him, “And there are only three or so tweets.”

“I’m sure you noticed the most popular one has five thousand likes. Sure, it’s not like it’s ten thousand or a hundred thousand, but that could change.”

It was easy to ignore the amount of likes, you just closed twitter and forcibly forgot about it. Now he was making it impossible to ignore. The concern over this situation started to merge with your concern over Naeun. That’s neglecting to factor in Johnny living with you. You feel trapped.

“If I do a little digging, I’m sure I can find some girls included in the group chat. Getting those girls to come out against YangYang and forming a new group with them would be huge for you.” He places his mug on the table, standing close enough that you can feel heat radiating off his body.

“I already have a group, though. Making another group when I just got into one seems a bit strange.” You do it again, responding to him to try and appease him. In his presence, you start to doubt your thought process tenfold.

“Yes, but are you really a Dreamie? Do you really want to be seen as a guest star for the rest of your career? Or worse…” Taeyong pauses to slip his phone out of his pocket. His screen is presented to you, showing an equally popular tweet.

‘Does anyone else feel like ___ is leeching off of the boys’ fame? She left before anything even happened in Taeyong’s group. Maybe she thought they weren’t popular enough for her.’

You take the phone into your grasp. The replies and quote tweets were insane, the combined amount nearly outnumbering the likes. Looking through them was like getting whiplash. Some people were defending you, citing your appearance on that podcast and the fact that Mark backs your story to explain things. Others confirm they’ve had this suspicion as well. The most baffling aspect was that each side was equally popular. There was no domineering opinion. Even the arguments were neck in neck with likes.

You pass the phone back to him with a shaky exhale. “I’ll think about it.”

Taeyong presents you with a tight smile. “You should do that.”

-

“We can get it under control.” Jeno states sternly. You wave him off. “No, this is my mess. I’ll handle it.”

“It’s our fans causing a ruckus, we’re partly responsible.” Chenle adds nervously.

“Let’s be honest it’s mostly Donghyuck’s crazy ass fans.” Jaemin pipes up and incites chaos. 

“How is this my fault?” 

“No one said it was your fault, Hyuck.” Mark tries but all of the boys shout over each other. It’s impossible to form a rational thought. Mark’s shouting for them to be quiet isn’t making it any better. You could just leave, it’s a possibility that was always on the table, just taunting you. Sure, you were skilled, but that doesn’t mean you should be a popular streamer. This career path was far-fetched to begin with. You sit stiffly on Mark’s recliner, watching as the tight-knit group of boys quarrel over your situation.

Unable to handle the noise overwhelming your thoughts, you stand from the chair. You mumble an apology as you head for the front door. Mark calls after you before following you out of his house. 

“What’s wrong?” Mark is immediately attentive. The worry tugging at his brows makes your heart ache. Mark was the only constant throughout this entire debacle. Always checking in on you, being the sweetest person on Earth, and most importantly, sticking up for you.

“God, Mark. I’m so sorry for snapping at you after the podcast.” You shake your head.

“You were right, though. I should’ve spoken up sooner.”

“But if we switched places, I probably would’ve done that same thing. It was scary!” Your laugh contrasts the tears springing to your eyes. “You’re too nice to me. On top of everything, you invite me into the Dreamies and look at what I did.” You gesture to the door, where the bickering started to pick back up.

“This always happens at some point. It’s normal.” Mark chuckles before staring somberly at your wet eyes. 

“It sucks that you feel like a burden for trying to heal.” Your eyes flicker toward him and he holds your gaze.

His words linger in your mind long after he says them. The two of you stare quietly at the sunset, feeling the temperature shift ever so slightly cooler. “Taeyong told me about the idea he has for you.” You nod, waiting for him to shoot it down.

“I think it’s a good idea.”

Your eyes slowly move from the darkening sky to Mark’s smile. “Really?”

“It’s not his group, so he won’t invite Johnny or any other shitty people. I like Taeyong but he really has a knack for finding some terrible people.” You both laugh. “Except for you of course.” He glances at you with his eyebrows raised. “I’m happy for the two of you.”

“Thank you.”

This conversation awakens the same strange emotion you have had around Jisoo and Jungwoo lately. Jungwoo has taken your sexual breakup well, a little too well. They haven’t ripped you a new one for letting Johnny crash on your couch. They’ve also, though tentatively, supported your relationship with Taeyong. As your gaze lowers from the sunset, you think back on how they get when you mention Taeyong. For some strange reason, that’s the aspect they seem most openly uneasy about.

That doesn’t make you feel the overwhelming support any less. Mark is just a sweetheart to a sickening degree but that strange emotion still remains. Even Mark had his moments of trying to warn you about the people in your life. Now everyone is strangely quiet. There are not many people telling you how to navigate these choices you have to make.

-

“Are you happy now?”

With a sharp inhale Johnny is awake again. To his dismay, he is again greeted by your scent and likeness as soon as he wakes up. Your jacket is draped over the back of the couch, drenched in your favorite perfume. Why he turns to look at the picture of you, he never understands. He swallows thickly, trying to quell the sickening feeling waking up under your roof gives him as he searches haphazardly for his phone. 

The time reads 4 am. He locks his phone and tosses it on the table. He barely sleeps anymore. How could he when those nightmares were back with a vengeance? Every time he blinks he sees your shattered skull, so he keeps his eyes open until the sharp stinging pricks them closed. He needs to get out of here.

Walking aimlessly into the crisp early morning air helps him breathe freer. It also helps quell some of the nausea from his hangover. With a deep inhale, he fills his lungs with clean air. There’s a lounge eight minutes away that opens earlier than the other bars and lounges in the area. When it does, he’ll be able to silence the voice in his brain making him feel guilty.

But then he’s back under your roof. 

First you use fond memories to make yourself feel better. Then you let her soothe you that night. Now you’re living on her couch. 

“It’s shameful.” He finishes the guilt trip aloud before his head can.

“What’s shameful?”

For the first time since he’d woken up, Johnny felt fully alert as he heard Taeyong’s voice. He glances over at him as he peacefully drinks coffee. He unlocks his phone again to check the time. 6 am. 

Knowing he wasn’t going to answer, Taeyong just asks another question. “Been talking to her much?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Johnny grunts. “You were there. She made it clear that she didn’t want to be friends anymore.” It seemed like he was rubbing salt in the wound.

“I see.” Taeyong takes a long slurp of his coffee before setting it carefully onto the polished wood. “I’m dissolving the group.”

So all that “conversation” was just his clumsy way of smoothing the path to his news. Johnny figured as much, Nayeon is gone and Mark sure as hell isn’t coming back. Like Taeyong said, he could very easily persuade you to come back one way or another, but three wasn’t enough. All that was left of the group he spent his formative years in were tainted memories and burned bridges. Which brings Johnny to the man sitting at your dining room table. It’s been a very long time since Johnny could say he liked the guy. 

“I guess I’ll be seeing you often, at least until I’m back on my feet.”

“And when is that exactly?” Taeyong turns to face the taller man from his seat, squinting as he awaits his answer. Johnny frowns at his unsuspected jab. That’s one thing Johnny didn’t take into account, if Taeyong liked him. 

“I’m trying my best.”

“Well don’t take this the wrong way, but could you try a little harder? I’m her boyfriend now so forgive me if I’m a little put off by you being around her. Besides, you probably feel out of place around us. Considering I’m “just as much of a little bitch as she is”.”

Overwhelming embarrassment and shame twist Johnny’s features. “I said a lot of things I didn’t really mean.”

“Do you really think matters, whether you meant it or not? You still hurt her.”

“Taeyong please,” Johnny starts getting pissed off from his increasingly apparent hypocrisy. “let’s be real for a second. You’ve been stringing her along until she was useful to you.”

“Do you think that makes us comparable?” Taeyong laughs, not refuting his accusation. “You wanna be real? Let’s be real. You treated her like utter garbage for years and trashed her self-esteem probably for good.” Johnny visibly winces at that bitter truth. The only time you really get dressed up are very rare instances, and even then it’s relatively tame. You always used to dress up in middle and high school. You didn’t even let your bullies pressure you out of it. But Johnny did the trick. 

“Now you’re sleeping on her couch while you barely even speak to the woman. No ‘hello’ or ‘thank you’, just leaving and coming back to sleep like it’s a hotel. You should be waiting on her hand and foot and you haven’t even picked up a broom.”

“I get it, I know! I think about it every night before I go to sleep.” Johnny vents, his breathing rapid before he lets out an exasperated sigh.

“If you get it then read the room. I can tell you have the urge to act on some selfish sense of a savior complex suddenly, just save it.” Though Taeyong’s expression is stern, it’s nowhere close to that day he kicked Lucas, Doyoung, and YangYang out. There’s no real passion behind his words. However, there’s a ton of truth, whether Johnny likes it or not.

“You owe it to her to leave her be.”

The two men stare each other down. Johnny knows there was so much left unsaid, such as his dubious motives. He has expressed on multiple occasions that he doesn’t like being around you. He basically called you a nuisance not long before he dumped Nayeon in favor of you. But was it Johnny’s place?

Your bedroom door creeks open slowly before you appear behind it, scrubbing at your eyes. “What’s going on? It’s six in the morning.” Your shirt lifts as you stretch, showing your upper thighs. Johnny snaps his head away, eyes frantically moving around the room but looking at nothing. 

“Don’t worry about it. Go back to bed.” Taeyong murmurs, turning his head slightly. You stay rooted in your spot, grogginess clearing up as you chew on your lip.

“Johnny?”

He glances at Taeyong who shoots him one last stern look. “I was just leaving and ran into him. We were having a conversation, that’s all.” Johnny assures you.

“Leaving?” You look between both men confusedly. “You’re okay with going home?”

“Yeah, thanks for letting me stay here. You really didn’t have to do that.” He slowly pans his gaze on you, only holding it for a second before looking at the floor. “Goodbye.” This time it was truly final. There’s nothing tying them to each other anymore. He’d probably live out in his car for as long as he can take it. After a while, would he accept defeat and go crawling back to his parent’s house? The thought makes him involuntarily grimace. 

“Don’t leave.” It’s more of a command than a request. You make your way toward him, eyes trained on him even as Taeyong tells you to let him go. “He wants to leave.” When you reach him, you crane your head high as you really study his face.

“How many years has it been since we’ve known each other? You really think I don’t know when you’re lying?” The tightness of your jaw and apprehension hanging off every word wipe any playfulness that could be interpreted away. Every time the two of you speak there’s this undeniable weight that never goes away. Johnny’s not even sure when it got there. 

“I’m fine. I’m a grown man.”

“I saw you after you got home and fell asleep. I could smell the alcohol, Johnny.” His previous statement seemed to annoy you somehow. “You only got three hours of sleep. And you’re starting to look like a lumberjack- just come back and lay down for a few more hours.”

“I have overstayed my welcome considerably. I should’ve left the day Jaehyun did.” Johnny states firmly. This is the first time in a long time the two of them were able to have a mostly regular conversation. Looking at you with your eyebrows drawn together atop your wide eyes swimming in worry, he feared he might do something stupid.

“Says who?”

“Says me. It was selfish of me to stay here.” He turns to leave but stops when he feels your hands around his forearm. Your stare falters when he looks back at you.

“If you don’t want to be selfish… you could help me out. I’m gonna get busier in the coming months and could use some help around the house.”

Your fingertips are hot against his skin. He felt they might actually singe him. But Johnny didn’t pull away. “You don’t have any friends that could help?”

“Not any that owe me.” You cock an eyebrow up. Johnny takes a second to appreciate the atmosphere that actually started to feel lighter. 

“Okay, fine. But when I’m actually able to leave, I’ll do so.” A small smile flickers onto his face, fizzling out soon after. 

“We’ve got a deal then.” You pull your hands away and Johnny instantly feels your pacifying effect on him wear off. “Come sleep in my bed.”

Johnny’s face goes red hot in a matter of seconds, eyes blowing wide as he stammers. “Don’t be stupid, I’m sleeping on the couch. You’ll need the rest if you’re helping me.” You narrow your eyes at him before you seemingly catch yourself after registering his troubled expression. “S-sorry I shouldn’t have called you stupid.” You lower your head, actions mirroring the night you told him he was as bad as Hyuna and Hyojong.

“Please don’t be sorry-”

The two of you flinch at the sound of glass shattering against the bowl of your sink. “Shit, sorry.” Taeyong lifts his head to look blankly at you and Johnny. “Are the two of you done?”

You look just as bewildered as he does in that moment, but you’re looking at Taeyong apologetically. “We are.” You reply, strangely eager.

-

Letting Johnny sleep in your bed was supposed to help him sleep better, but it wasn’t helping one bit. He was now completely surrounded by your scent. Was he hallucinating or was the mattress still warm from when you were here? He shouldn’t even be thinking about that. It’s hard to keep his thoughts clear in this situation. 

Eventually, it gets the best of him. He promised he’d stop using memories of you soothing him or the thought of your smile to placate his anxiety, but that was near impossible right now. Johnny takes in a trembling breath, hesitantly inhaling your scent until it’s swirling in his lungs, and prepares for another nightmare.

Except, it isn’t a nightmare. He’s sitting in bed with you. It’s morning time, the sun blankets the room in a heavenly glow. You have only a t-shirt on like you did moments ago, only it’s fully white now. You smile at him and he finds himself smiling back. You continue to smile as you place both hands on either side of his head and angle his head down. Your legs are crossed and he can see your plain white underwear. His breath hitches but he doesn’t move a muscle. One of your hands glide down your torso until it reaches your underwear, yet his head is still securely held in place. He watches breathlessly as your fingers stimulate your clit through the cloth. His mouth is dry, incredibly uncomfortably dry.

“Johnny!” You gasp. He feels the soft meat of your thighs before he even registers his hands are there. He kneads the flesh, his crotch thrumming with hot pleasure. Johnny is lost in the feeling of your flawless, plush skin under his coarse fingertips when he hears you say something. “Hm?”

You giggle. “I said are you really going through with this?”

Johnny’s blood immediately runs cold upon hearing those words again. Suddenly Johnny’s head is free, giving him the opportunity to see your face again. Except, there is no face to see. Blood cascades down your throat like a haunting necklace from your crushed brain. 

The sight jolts Johnny awake like it always does. His brain could never quite get past it anymore, it’s something he thanks his brain for immensely.

-

Maybe the couch was uncomfortable. Or you just stayed up the entire morning overthinking your decision. Especially with how standoffish Taeyong was before he left. You carefully pick the large pieces of glass from the sink and drop them in your garbage can. You huff, setting your hands on your hips as you take in all of the smaller pieces. Should you vacuum them? Resorting to google, you learn glass can ruin your garbage disposal.

“Great.” You mutter before groaning at the mess that still remained.

As advised, you pick out any pieces big enough to grab with tongs. By the time you were finished, your fingers were cramping from holding the damn things, so you pick up any left on the surface with your fingers. “Stupid fucking-”

You let out a drawn out hiss as you snatch your hand away from the sink. One of the shattered pieces sported an edge so thin it sliced through your finger like butter. You close your hand around your index finger, trying to dull the deep throb that started. As you exhale you feel contempt bubbling up inside you. As it surfaces it shifts to a pitiful, bitter feeling of defeat. You collapse onto the dining room chair as hot tears gush down your face. You bite your lip to stifle any sobs. With Johnny and Taeyong both here constantly, you felt so critical of everything you did. 

You were tired, all you wanted to do was just… be. Now you have a whole list of shit to worry about. You have no one to blame but yourself for feeling trapped. All because of the younger version of you that gets weak seeing Johnny suffer. Weak, soft, pathetic. 

The sound of your door opening makes you shoot up from the chair, wiping your tears away. You sniffle and reach for another mug as if that’s what you were doing this whole time. You can see him in your peripheral, his towering height only serving to make him stand out more. 

“Good morn-”

“Can you help me out with this glass?” You refrain from sniffling again. If you can read him like a book from subtle facial expressions, there’s no way he couldn’t pick up that you were crying.

“Sure.” He shuffles over, examining the mess Taeyong left. He opens his mouth to reem the guy for it but decides against it. 

“Is there a lot in the garbage disposal?”

“No… I uh, I got most of it.”

“Hm,” Johnny starts clearing the basin with his hands. He notices your bloody finger but he also notices that you’re trying to hide it. And yes, he does notice you side-eyeing him after he looked at your finger, so he pretends he didn’t see a thing.

You still had nothing but that goddamn shirt on. No amount of bluffing could ever fool his body into not being attracted to you. Even when he was being an asshole to you. But he hadn’t been around you enough recently to have to deal with it, so perhaps he was a little rusty at suppressing it. He desperately needed to get it under control because underneath the titillation was a seedy and foreboding feeling that frankly horrified him. Every pang of arousal felt so utterly wrong.

“I’ve been putting off laundry for too long, could you do it for me? Please try not to mix up our clothes.” The awkwardness you felt after ordering him around was instantaneous. You should just ask him to leave. What was he going to do, refuse? Sure he could rip you a new one for switching up but then he’d be gone. You’ve gotten through it before.

“Of course. If there’s anything else you need, let me know.”

You should be relieved that he didn’t seem offended, but you were relieved for an entirely different reason. He moseyed off, finishing the laundry and even folding them. He wasted no time coming back to check for another task. Didn’t even stop to play on his phone, eat, or watch tv. Little do you know it was a welcome distraction for Johnny. 

Being in his own house, he could only see all the anguish he caused in every room. When he made you cry on the couch, dumped water on you while you slept in his bed, called you a pig when you looked for a snack in his fridge, and of course the wall. But his house kept him busy. Plant upkeep was very efficient at dulling his incessant thoughts. The ones asking him what the fuck he was even doing. With everything crumbling around him they only got louder.

“I don’t have anything else for you to do,” Johnny did a good job at masking his disappointment as he nodded and started away, “but that doesn’t mean you have to leave, either.” You turn around completely from your computer. You drop your gaze once you realize how desperate that sounded. 

“I know, I just don’t want to intrude. You letting me sleep on your couch– and bed– was gracious enough, I don’t wanna lounge around or eat up your food.”

“It’s fine, I’m gonna be in here for a while anyway.”

Even before things started to fall apart, his life started to feel so formulaic and suffocating. Taking care of his flowers was the only thing that broke up the growing mundanity. He’d wake up, eat, sit around his house with friends, and then stream later that night. Then he’d just eat again and go to sleep. He had the privilege of being able to play games as a career, but still felt that same blanket of fog as if he were working a regular dead-end job. It made him really reflect on if he actually liked streaming and why he was still doing it.

Being closer to you without all the noise made it clear. Besides the not-so-clean thoughts, it felt comfortable to be in your presence. Even though you don’t look at him the way you used to and he can still sense how apprehensive you are around him, he still can’t help wanting to be around you. Even if it’s extremely awkward most of the time. He enjoyed all your little facial expressions when you reacted to things, how adorable you looked when you were focusing– and even though he hated seeing or knowing you were crying– he loved how puffy and glassy your eyes got afterward. He started streaming to stay around you. 

But it was bittersweet, because not only couldn’t he interact with you like in school, but he didn’t deserve to. He barely deserved to be around you this much. While being around you more meant witnessing all the things that made him love you despite it all, it also made him face how he changed you head on. So he dusted, wiped down, and reorganized your entertainment center to keep himself busy. He’s setting the final item back on one of the shelves when your door opens, the photo of you and your two friends. 

“What the hell Johnny…”

Johnny takes a step away from his work to slightly turn toward you, keeping his eyes on the picture. “I got a little carried away, perhaps.”

“No it’s…” You walk closer with your hands on your hips. “Huh. It’s a different color now I think.”

Johnny chuckles. “There was a thick layer of dust.”

You sigh and clench your eyes shut. “Don’t feel pressured to clean up for me. I shouldn’t have been ordering you around in the first place.”

“I shouldn’t be here in the first place.” Johnny corrects, onsetting a bitter silence he didn’t intend to. How long were the two of you going to go back and forth about this?

“But you are.” You pipe up, raising your eyebrows at him with a tight smile. “Because I asked you to be, so let’s just drop it.”

Every conversation crashed into a impenetrable wall. You couldn’t help it when a part of you found it inexcusable that you let him stay. And he couldn’t bypass his guilt. Every time you looked at each other, the first thing you remember are the bad times. If it’s not Johnny’s berating it’s the two times you went at it after you left. Neither of you knew if this was temporary or if your relationship was irreparably damaged.

Only time would tell.

For now, Johnny sneaks into your room after the sun had set, curling the object within his palm. He freezes when he feels something plush under his feet. He uses his free hand to flash his phone at the floor. There was a floor mattress with an extra comforter and one of your pillows atop it. He looks at your sleeping figure as if you’d answer the questions on his mind. 

That just didn’t feel right, so he stepped over the sleeping pad to resume what he originally had in mind. When the sun shined in your eyes that morning you could feel something strange about the finger your cut was on. You had forgotten to properly treat it. After your meeting you got too busy and forgot about it since it stopped bleeding.

You raise it in front of your squinted eyes to see a bandaid had been secured around your finger. You push air out your nose with a half smile before looking down at the mattress. Your smile flickers away upon seeing it’s empty.

-

“I heard about your meeting.” Taeyong remarks, his phone keeping him preoccupied. “The marketing agency is very interested, they’re treating you as a high priority.”

“Really? That’s a relief.” In the grand scheme of things, it was a feather being lifted from everything that had been weighing on you, but it was still something.

“You did a good job.” Taeyong states as if it’s obvious. “That’s the thing, if you put the work in you’ll experience more fruitful endeavors.” He looks up, and you can’t tell if he does that to gauge your reaction or drive home how important his words are. Because you notice how little he looks at you since you’ve started dating. How fleeting his touch is.

“I already have one girl readying her statement against YangYang. That will definitely bring a lot of eyes so the timing has to be perfect. Maybe her statement will inspire more girls to come forward, which would make my job easier,” He lets out a short laugh. You wince at how easily and nonchalantly he speaks about this situation. 

“But for now we’re really counting on you. Right when Chaeyoung makes her statement, you have to have yours ready as well. That’ll lay down the foundation before we reveal our plans for the group chat, hopefully make it seem more organic.”

Speaking out was something you forcibly put on the back burner. It was seemingly biting you in the ass more and more the longer you stay silent. There’s a mountain of guilt that comes packaged with not speaking out, but the uncertainty of it all makes it seem worth it. There’s a chance Chaeyong’s statement will be met with a poor response. Sure, people are mostly pro-Naeun and anti-group chat makers/members, but it just takes the right amount of passionate people to derail everything. Others who oppose will get scared off by the overwhelming majority, morally grey people will bandwagon. And all this for your group.

“You’re thinking too much, I can tell. You see what’s happening because you’re still not saying anything, right?”

You feel dread in your bones as he readies the post before turning his phone to you. The tweet he had shown you in your kitchen has now garnered eleven thousand likes. You take a deep breath and look away, not interested in seeing the replies. There’s no way the majority isn’t against you.

“If you come out against YangYang, not only will people stop speculating your involvement with or knowledge of the group chat, but they’ll have a more concrete reason that you left. I guarantee you tweets like this will be wiped out.” He finally pulls the phone away and you release a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“It doesn’t have to be complicated. Just think about it-”

“Oh my god, hi?” A trembling voice sounds beside you. You squint up at the figure ducked under the table umbrella. “I’m a huge fan of you guys! I’ve been rooting for you two since the old group first started. Can I take a picture?”

You happily pose for the picture with the fan, releasing a soft exhale through your nose when reminded of the other ship. The discourse around you was a turf war between people who ship you with Mark and people who ship you with Taeyong. That’s not even mentioning the Dreamie ships you disrupted by joining the group. With you and Mark, people conjured up tales of you guys being the closest no matter what group you were in and becoming lovers. With Taeyong it was deeper. 

Apparently, the two of you suppressed your love when he got with Nayeon, and then when you left the group his pain was too much to bear. So he broke up with Nayeon and swept you off your feet. Every fantasy your fans shared was like a peek into your dreams. It felt nice to detach from reality for a moment and get lost in them. 

“We can’t, Taeyong.” You force the words out. It pained you to say them.

“Why not?!” He grabbed you by your shoulders and shook you, freeing the tears that had been threatening to break free since you first laid eyes on him.

“Because of Nayeon!” You break down, falling to your knees as the sorrow fully blooms in your chest. He follows you, cradling you in his arms. 

“We don’t have to worry about her anymore.”

You look up at him through your dewy lashes and he just smiles warmly. 

Reading it was pure torture. Sure it was dramatic but it’s what you craved from him so that’s not what bothered you. Reading this made the nature of your actual relationship so much more apparent. And the fact that it barely changed from when you were friends. Thinking about the first time you met Nayeon made your heart wilt. He was so chivalrous with the toothpick incident but other than that it’s always been… dry.

He saw you bleed and barely had any reaction. In fact, he had no problem letting you use tape to dress your wound. All so his beautiful girlfriend could have her tiny cut properly treated. The bandaid around your index finger seems tighter all of a sudden, drawing your attention to it.

The morning after he’d done it, he didn’t address it. To be fair, you didn’t ask him why he didn’t sleep on the bed you left him if he saw it. Still, it was the most ‘Johnny’ thing he’d done in years. Now he was probably quiet about it to not push your relationship, but back then he was so embarrassed by everything. You couldn’t do anything for him and he couldn’t do anything for you without him blushing fiercely. That poor boy would blast off if he conducted any more heat. You smile to yourself, twisting your hand as you gaze fondly at the bandage.

When it came to helping the other in a dire time of need, there was no embarrassment. There was only a mutual understanding to be there for each other. As your memories get heavier, picturing him at his lowest, your smile fades. You set your hand down. 

-

Johnny was having to do a lot of chores without you asking lately. You even started asking him to stop. 

“I can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that. You don’t even eat here.” You say, taking the plate from his hand.

He had already swept and mopped the floors, scrubbed the walls, cleaned out the fridge, and cleaned the bathroom “You haven’t given me another task and I wanted to help out.” Johnny trails off as he shrugs.

“You’ve helped plenty, the house is basically sparkling now. Thank you.” It doesn’t sound much like an expression of gratitude as you shoo him from the kitchen.

Feeling like a freeloader and wanting to preoccupy his mind, his upkeep of your home doesn’t cease. You’re starting to get warm, folded laundry on your bed every week now. You never have to wash off a dish to eat. A speck of dust couldn’t even think to form.

“Oh my god– Johnny!” You call for him and he peers out of the bathroom. “Get out of there!”

“It’s fine! I’m almost done.” He disappears back behind the door. You open your mouth to yell but close it with an extended sigh. 

“I don’t want you to be my maid, I’m not even asking you to do this so why…?”

Johnny reappears, eyes not connecting with yours as he takes his gloves off. “I really don’t have anything else to do at the moment. It’s either the bar or this, and I’m sick of the headaches.”

Now that he mentions it, you haven’t been smelling alcohol on him recently. “Okay, if cleaning is really what you want to do, I concede.” You throw your arms up in mock surrender. It wasn’t totally a lie. He really didn’t have anything else to do. He was still debating on whether or not to continue streaming or look for a different job. If he really was moving back with his parents, it was definitely the latter. But it’s mostly because when he’s drunk, he says stupid things. And he misses out on coherent conversations with you. They’re getting less awkward and slightly more frequent. It’s mostly just you scolding him for going too far on the cleaning or complaining about the strong smell of bleach, but it’s a start.

“Thank you…” He nods before returning to your bathroom. You watch him, trying to conceal how apprehensive you are.

There was something still nagging at you to stop him. You told yourself you didn’t want him to feel obligated. And feeling like you were bossing him around also sucked. But with every grimace he made at a strong smell, every curse he muttered when he dropped something, or any sign of displeasure, you felt panic set in. You realized you started to grit your teeth and shrink slightly, preparing yourself for him to blow up on you.

You find yourself glancing at the spot on your wall he punched. With time you guys could stay stagnant, maybe by some stroke of luck you’ll go back to normal, but there’s also a chance for your relationship to spoil further. In the coming weeks, you monitor him, waiting for a sign of what’s to come. 

Johnny plops down on your sofa after cleaning your windows. He had made a comment about stubborn dirt in the crevices of your window seal, and now he looks extra spent. “I stopped drinking for the headaches, but I’m starting to get a headache from the chemicals.” He murmurs breathlessly.

You nervously make your way over to his bucket of supplies and lift them from the table. Johnny’s eyes fall to the table, which the bucket left a ring on. “Oh! Let me see that for a sec,” He shoots up from the couch and you move the bucket away.

“I can do it!” You accidentally shout, wincing after the fact. “I pretty much have a day off today anyway, and it’s just a little ring.”

“Exactly, so let me get rid of it real quick and the rest of the chores are yours.” He assures. You take a minute to look at your house which looked like no one lived in it. Someone would think you just bought it from the world’s most anal real estate agent. You tuck the bucket into one arm.

“You’ve done so much already,” Again the two of you find yourselves having this same back and forth. You sigh, closing your eyes only to open them when his figure blocks out the light. He sets a gentle hand on the bucket.

“It’s your day off, you should be resting.” He states quietly. The dull thuds of your heart hammering against your ribcage fill your ears.

“Here, hit me right here.”

You attempt to retreat from him like a wounded dog backed into a corner. He feels his mild confusion shift to dread when he realizes what’s going on. Suddenly he’s back in his own living room, standing over your figure on the couch. You’re staring up at him with that same glint of fear and mistrust. 

You gasp loudly when he grabs your wrist. The feeling of him tugging it higher makes you shriek and drop the bucket to the ground. You cower away from him, tucking your head into your shoulder. Your reaction shakes him, but he remains steadfast. He clenches his eyes shut and cocks your hand back before striking across his own face. 

You untense slightly, turning your head to face him. He’s heaving, hair slightly mussed. He gives you an emphatic look. “Ball your fist.”

“Johnny- no!” You snatch your arm away, the deranged moment only becoming less sane when the loss of his touch makes your heart fall. 

Johnny takes a step back, taking a minute to gain the courage to look at you again. “I hate that you’re afraid of what I’ll do to you.” He tries to blink away the tears but they trickle from his eyes regardless. He curses under his breath. He wasn’t ready to look so soft around you. “Even that day, if you had slapped me I probably would’ve cried in front of everyone before I ever laid a hand on you. I hate that I made you feel this way.” He winces as he replays you cowering away from him and the sound of the bucket clattering to the floor in his mind.

Your hand still stings but all you can think about is how it must feel for him. Maybe you’re just an idiot and this is some game you’re falling for, but you give up on trying to figure it out. “For now I can’t help it, but that can change.” 

His glassy eyes inspect your expression as he pores over your words. Feeling spontaneous, you reach your hand up and caress his face. He immediately melts into your touch and you could break down at the sight. Guilt gnaws harder at you, grilling you on why you haven’t been there for him. All your heart sees now is the kid you cried fountains for and with. Another part reminds you of how you got here and you pull away.

“But I can revert even faster.” You warn. Johnny sniffles before nodding and staring at you blankly. Of course, what was he doing? Nuzzling into your hand like a puppy. He clears his throat and shakes his head. “No, you’re right. I’m s-”

“But don’t apologize! If we’re going to coexist we need to be more upfront and honest with each other, or else we’ll just go in circles.” You pick the bucket back up again and regard him with a steady stare. Johnny straightens up and wipes away any moisture left in his eyes.

“No apologizing and be more upfront, got it.”

-

“Chaeyoung is about ready to post her side of the story, so do you have your statement ready? Let me see it.” Taeyong is antsier by the day. You only see him when you’re talking about the group. He leans over his dining room table in anticipation of you whipping out your phone. You clench your eyes shut. “Taeyong, I haven’t written it.”

“What?! I mean, do you need me to write it for you? Because I can. I just thought you’d be able to do one thing.” Taeyong settles back into his seat as he mutters the last part. It felt like everyone was pushing you about this damn statement. All Jisoo and Jungwoo do is politely ask you about it and you can just hear it in their voices. ‘You still haven’t done it?’ 

Naeun is only here in spirit and yet it’s like she’s screaming at you. You’re causing more damage to her career and in turn her mental health the longer you wait. And now you’re gonna leave Chaeyong, someone who actually has pictures to worry over, to fend for herself. 

“I’m… I’m gonna do it, it’s just that this is more than a PR move for me, you have to know that.” You argue, exasperated over your own loaded thoughts.

“It can be both, you know that right? That’s what Chaeyoung is doing. You can honor the weight of the situation while giving your image a boost. The Earth won’t implode.” His words ooze with ridicule and it stings bad. You roll your tongue inside your mouth, nodding as you let the pain fester. 

“Is that all you think this is? Me trying to “honor the weight of the situation”?”

“I think you feel obligated to do the right thing all the time.” He meets your exasperation with infuriatingly calm patronization. You were staying quiet for personal reasons, in fact, your selfishness in this situation is what’s ripping you apart. He has no clue what he’s talking about and yet he speaks to you as if he can read your mind. You open your mouth but he beats you to the punch. “You’re not saving people by doing something so insignificant.”

“Then why do it at all? If it’s so insignificant?”

“Because it’ll stop the oncoming attack you’re in for. How many times do I have to spell it out for you? The people campaigning against you are growing. Your first mistake was joining a group with such an entitled fanbase.”

“Joining Mark’s group was the best thing to ever happen to me.” You clench your fists, wanting to stand up and storm out but you just bottle it up. You should be saying that about him, but even now he’s barely looking at you outside of annoyed glances. 

“When you want to help stop your reputation from being ruined, come talk to me.” He calmly asks you to leave his home, says he has work to do.

“We can’t…” All that anger gets swept away from his request for you to leave. You haven’t even tried asking him. You just assumed he would say no, but he’s your boyfriend. “We can’t just hang out? I don’t know… cuddle or something…”

“You know how busy I am.” He gives you that look that’s like a silent suggestion to rethink what you just said. You can’t help but feel a little guilty. At the end of the day, he’s doing this all for you. All so you can have a career that feels like your own. He’s even helping you get the growing hate under control. And you had the nerve to snap on him and think about storming out.

“I’m sorry.” You follow his instruction to leave and stand outside of his door for a moment. You need a moment to unpack your swarming thoughts. Speaking out for your own reputation is as phony and selfish as can be, but it’s no different from what you’ve been doing anyway. You’re risking being seen as selfish either way. The only person close to being in the same boat as you is Chaeyoung, and she’s in a much scarier boat.

Maybe Taeyong is right and you should toughen up. It’s advice you’d given to yourself time and time again.

-

Mini dresses, fringe or tassels, lace, and cutouts. They were all listed as predictions for next year's trends. They’re also a description of your closet currently, even at the beginning of the year. To be fair, the amount of range your closer has could include last year’s to the next decade’s trends. Looking on Tumblr or Pinterest and the most popular runway or everyday fashion looks made you excited. You could probably recreate them almost perfectly if you wanted to. And you did. But you couldn’t.

The designer black dress in your hands still had that ‘new smell’ to it. Soon enough it’d be overtaken by the smell of your closet, not drenched in your natural scent or favorite perfume. You coast your fingers along the fabric, the smoothness of the mulberry silk interrupted by slightly coarse lace. On the site, there were beautiful thin but toned women adorned in the dress showcased to taunt you. Inviting you to follow the Instagram page to taunt you even further. More than the Tumblr and Pinterest posts already do. 

Sometimes you make it far enough with your rose-tinted glasses to try them on and look in the mirror. Sometimes they don’t fit and you feel relieved, more justified for putting a hole in your wallet and still not wearing them. But no. The black dress fits like a glove. It accentuates your figure, giving the illusion of an hourglass shape. Where could you even wear this, though? It was strapless, very short, and flared out on the sides. It seemed too flashy for a club, right? And you weren’t going to wear it to a museum or something. You don’t even go to those anyway. It would be a mistake to step out of the house in this, letting yourself be perceived by everyone. You’d be asking to be judged.

Wearing jeans and a t-shirt or a sweater or a jacket or a coat was like cloaking yourself. People are still nosy but less likely to hyper-focus on you and question your methods of covering your naked body. 

But you stand there, staring a hole into your dress through the mirror. You gnaw at the inside of your cheek feeling that contempt from when you cut your finger resurfacing. You paid four hundred for this. It fits like a glove. 

Oftentimes you think about tweets made by the women you follow. Just slightly more attractive to you than you perceive yourself. 

They’d show off just the most over-the-top outfit with so many accessories it covered more skin than the actual clothes. Sometimes they’d wear the most revealing clothes you’d ever seen, making your jaw drop. The caption accompanying the pictures would be something like ‘putting on a fashion show for my neighbors’ or ‘about to go get groceries’. Every time you’d think to yourself these people are ridiculous.

But you liked the tweets. You followed them. Left lovely comments encouraging them and got silently angry at the naysayers. Even so, there was still a voice in your mind reminding you that these actions were illogical. It was fun to engage online but never to imitate in real life. Naeun would probably laugh if she saw you in this. That was reality, you told yourself.

But as you look at yourself in the mirror, the tweets come to mind, fueling you to leave the dress on. I should do my makeup too.

You weren’t going anywhere, and if people were in the room with you they’d surely point that out, but it was thrilling. As you pat the velvety foundation onto your skin you felt a rush. You even put on the lace gloves that reached your elbow. By the time you look in the mirror again, you had strappy heels on and your hair styled. Your makeup skills were a little rusty, but your heart swelled when you looked in the mirror.

You pose like the models on the site, like the models on the runway, like users on Twitter and Tumblr. Snap, snap, snap. There’s a wall of pictures of you in your camera roll. Pictures of you that were separated by a lengthy scroll of other things before you could reach the last picture of you. And you only deleted four out of the lineup.

You load the pictures into Twitter, ready to post your four favorites when you stop. You analyze the pictures again, removing one from the tweet, replacing it, then removing that one. Ultimately you opt not to tweet the pictures. Your Tumblr had a fraction of the audience of your Twitter and the user base scared you less. So you post your original four there before you could second guess yourself. You squeal as you hit ‘Post’, tossing the phone afterward. The pings were few and far in between but they still made your heart race. You leave your phone face down on your bed.

“Hey I was thinking-” The door clicking along with the sound of Johnny’s voice made you jump and yelp. You cover your body with your pillow and gawk at him. He stops and flushes, face getting red hot within moments. Your short dress is perfectly hidden with the pillow and he’s stuttering like crazy.

“Oh my god… I am so sorry I don’t know why I didn’t knock-” It was because you were usually at your computer around this time, dressed casually with no makeup on. So the thought of you being naked behind that pillow paired with how beautiful your face and hair looked right now is very bad news for Johnny.

You’re ready to shrivel into nothing and whimper until he leaves, but then your phone starts blowing up. Ding after ding distracts the both of you from this peculiar situation. You steel yourself, slowly standing from the bed and placing your pillow back at the head of your bed. Both of you continue to look at the phone before you stand to pick it up. Tumblr, other than Instagram, is the only app you didn’t mute notifications on because of how dead it usually is. It’s been a while since you heard this many notifications. 

There was a chance your pictures got the wrong kind of traction. Someone reblogged them to pick fun at you and now everyone was laughing at you. But as you see the pictures again you think why? You like the pictures, you look over every detail and decide there’s nothing wrong with them. So why would they laugh at you?

You clench your teeth as you click over to the notification tab, completely loosening up as you’re flooded with all the cute emojis and loving words your mind registers. Your heart feels like it’ll fly right out of your chest.

Right. Exactly. 

When you look up at Johnny he’s staring at you, mouth dropped open. You steel yourself again and suck in a large breath.

“Yup. I dressed up. A-and I’m not going anywhere so don’t ask!” You respond defensively to basically nothing but it’s not like you care. Johnny swallows, failing to placate his dry throat.

“You don’t have to be. Everything looks so well put together… you look like a celebrity.”

The crease between your brow eases as your defenses fall in one great big explosion. 

Your silence spurs Johnny to speak again. “I-I mean, I’m only pointing that out because I’m sure celebrities dress up for no reason too. So it’s… normal? I didn’t mean to be weird-”

“I’m going to get groceries.” You say with a smile too big to be talking about something so mundane.

“Okay, do you need me to come?”

“Nope! I got it.” You grab your purse before heading out of your room. “Wait!” He blurts out at the last second. You grip the leather strap of your purse as you wind yourself back around to face him. You were losing your courage fast, you needed to get out of here before you chickened out. Johnny realizes his lack of haste and pries his mouth open to get on with it already. “Next time you dress up… would you mind… including me. Like before.” His wording would be vague to anyone but the two of you, and maybe Jaehyun. And perhaps it was a bold ask, maybe too soon, but this development made Johnny too giddy to stop himself.

Touched would be an understatement, you could feel innumerous emotions drumming on your heart. Awe, excitement, appreciation. Longing.

“I’d love that.” You smile, unsure steps taking you backwards out of the doorway as you flash a timid smile at him. You finally pull away, shutting him in your room to bask in the sunny interaction he just had.

The door reopens not too long after and he wonders now if you forgot something. You march back into the room, attempting to feign confidence to make up for lost momentum. “Not quite ready for that yet, so I’m gonna change.”

But you did keep the hair and makeup, if that counts for anything. You shivered with excitement as you loaded your items onto the conveyor belt.

Your Tumblr had blown up in a matter of a week. The majority of your new followers had no idea who you were. Some found out through surprised replies from Dreamie fans and especially surprised ones from your older viewers, but most didn’t have a clue. It was freeing, you could read the notifications without being faced with allegations and theories. Nor any reminders.

You were still grateful for your Twitch audience, though. They were the reason you could plan to move to a different, better living quarters. You couldn’t look at them as burdens or harassers because you couldn’t blame them. They deserved to know who they were supporting, giving money to, who’s name they wore on their clothes, hats, and backpacks. You wouldn’t want to support or advertise anyone who knew or took part in that group chat either.

“You’re going to visit Chaeyoung. She wants to talk to you and I think it’s good for you to hear her out.” You nod after Taeyong speaks, noticing how sore your jaw is from clenching it so tightly.

“She’ll be free next week, I gave her your number so she’ll let you know the specific date and time. As you know, she’s a little eccentric so you won’t have to worry about how you’re dressed.” His eyes flicker over at your blouse and you curl your shoulder forward instinctively. 

It was an elegant, see through button up with sleeves that flared just after your wrists. You put a light green bralette underneath, but maybe it was too much right now.

When you were at home, though, you were unstoppable. Crafting looks was addictive, you practically ran to your room when you got home. You could finally recreate those looks you saw on social media, but you mostly did your own thing. From recreating fits with your own flare to crafting them from scratch. Posting them to Tumblr earned you so much praise and tips (which were greatly appreciated in the makeup department). It was almost as enjoyable as putting together the looks.

It was nearing the day you’re to visit Chaeyoung and someone had posted a thread of your looks to Twitter. It gained a lot of traction, in turn gaining you more followers on Tumblr. 

Then the news breaks out.

“POLICE INVESTIGATION ON POTENTIAL REVENGE PORN GROUP CHAT HAS BEEN CLOSED AFTER FINDING NO SUBSTANTIAL EVIDENCE”

It seems like every step forward sends you two steps back. You can’t think about this right now. So you go back onto Tumblr, reading each beautiful comment. And the replies on Twitter were nice too. You were scrolling through quote tweets of the thread when you saw it.

‘A bunch of female streamers are worried sick and on the verge of a breakdown and she’s having a fashion show’

It sounded like your own brain, as if this was just a hallucination to taunt you. It wouldn’t surprise you if that were the case. Each passing day of pretending everything was fine was making you feel more and more unhinged. You keep breaking down at random moments, the tiniest inconvenients. Sometimes it genuinely felt like you were thrashing underwater, losing oxygen quickly. So yes, you use Tumblr as a distraction. You try to puff out your chest but you know you’re wrong, and you can’t bury the emotion to save your life.

You think of the screenshots Chaekyung tweeted. The absolutely abhorrent things that were said to her. How shocked she must have felt. How helpless. She was begging for help and no one would step up. 

You picture her in her room, all the horrible things people said to her loud in her mind. Wondering if no one cared about her this whole time, and what she did to deserve this.

-

You knock firmly on the door of her townhouse before bouncing on your toes. She takes quite a long time before finally peeking her head out of the door. 

“Hey! Just the girl I wanted to see.” She smirks and pushes the door open. As you walk into her living room you note the theme. If it weren’t for the gray walls and brown wooden flooring, you’d be walking through a black abyss. It’s quite literally her as interior design. With her choppy pitch-black hair and sleeve of tattoos, it wouldn’t make sense if her house looked any other way. Taeyong was right about one thing. You didn’t feel weird at all dressing up to come here.

“Welcome to my humble abode or as I like to call it, emo paradise.” She spreads her arms to present her home, smiling once you laugh at her joke. “Make yourself at home. I’m expecting company, I hope that’s not an issue.”

“Oh of course not.” You perk up, maybe this is just what you needed. Chaeyoung is very popular with female streamers, she could probably introduce you to potential members.

Chaeyoung pours both of you some water before settling on a stool next to you. “I hear you’re having trouble speaking your truth against YangYang.” She not so discreetly glances to catch your reaction to the question. You suck in a breath. “Yeah, but don’t worry! Taeyong is already grilling me to make sure I’m not slacking off.”

“Oh fuck that guy.” Chaeyoung says with ease before taking a sip of her drink. She nearly chokes on her water once she realizes what she’d done. “Shit! I forgot he was your boyfriend, sorry!”

Your immediate response was to be offended, but it fizzled out almost immediately. “I mean, you’re allowed to dislike him.”

“It’s not that I dislike him per se,” She starts, clearly lying, “he just seems like the type of guy to over explain simple things to you to make himself seem smart, you know?”

“So then why are you doing this with us…?” Your question makes her sport a sour expression so you quickly reframe it. “I’m not saying that to be rude! I’m genuinely curious. As soon as Taeyong told me you were helping out I was just a little confused.”

“What do you mean?”

You hum and tap your fingers against the glass. “Does it feel icky? To frame your experience as a PR stunt?”

“Not at all. You know, it was YangYang for me, too.” Hearing her say this makes you think back to both times he propositioned you. “I fucking hated that guy, but I also wanted a quickie and he was hot as hell. I could tell he was having as good a time as I was and then he suddenly pulled out the phone. He told me he wanted a picture because of how hot I was. He was really pushy about it, and to get him to just drop it already I let him. It completely ruined the mood and I left right after, but he didn’t seem to care. Now I know why.”

Chaeyoung sets her glass on the counter and looks at you. “I have niche ass tattoos everywhere. People would know it was me automatically. It’s hard to make me squirm but that really got to me once Naeun’s leaked. I was convinced they’d just start rolling them out. I was pissed. But not just because of mine, because he had the gall to do it again and again. He had so many opportunities to stop and think about what he was doing.” She quirks her jaw, anger undoubtedly coming back to her. 

“I just imagined his smug little smile while all these women were panicking and saw red. Now I don’t care what happens as long as that fucker goes down.”

Just from the short amount of time you’ve sat with her you can tell how strong she is. She’s not bluffing to make herself look cool. Sure, she’s not bawling in the corner with her knees tucked into her chest, but you can tell this situation has even her frazzled. Who knows the extent of these other girls’ grief? But something just refuses to click. Every time you try to put yourself in that headspace it slowly dissipates again.

“Aren’t you worried nothing will happen anyway? Or that you’ll make everything worse?”

“I can be careful. I know other people’s reputations are on the line. But I know I can make a difference. I’m just one person and I’m capable of making mistakes, but as long as I can inspire someone to stay strong I’m satisfied.”

Inspire someone to stay strong. You’re reminded of your younger self, as you constantly are with her being permanently embedded inside you. Sometimes you wish you could get rid of her, but other times you realize that she guides you down the right path. Current you wouldn’t have gotten through high school and try to help Johnny while you’re at it. But she did, and with a smile on her face.

“Because the last thing you want is for someone to give in.” You finish, slowly nodding your head. She smiles at you and you give a smile back. “You get it.” She punches your shoulder and you let out a genuine laugh.

“Even if it’s not for our image, I really want to make this group.”

“Then let’s do it, babe.” Chaeyoung raises her eyebrows and her glass, letting you clink yours against hers.

“Knock knock.” A soft voice calls from the door you didn’t even hear open. You turn with a smile still plastered on your face only for it to fall when you see her.

“Naeun! Welcome!” Chaeyoung scoots away from the island to run up to her.

Her eyes look tired and her hair is up in a lopsided bun. She’s dressed in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Naeun was very popular even in mainstream media for her beauty. She’s widely considered one of if not the prettiest woman on the platform. She took pride in how she looked and is sort of infamous for her extensive morning and night routine. If it weren’t for the emotional exhaustion so evident on her face you would think this is how she gets comfortable.

“Chaeyoung…” She trails off, not acknowledging your presence yet as she and Chaeyoung share a tight hug. 

“Look at you! All comfy.” She ignores the waver in Naeun’s voice, opting to distract her instead.

“Hello.” Naeun raises her voice a bit to greet you without making eye contact. 

“Hi.” You stand from the stool so fast you almost slip and fall. You stabilize yourself, unsure about how to take her not being able to look at you. “Johnny still living with you?”

Through the building guilt from seeing her in person confusion surfaces. “How did you know that?”

“He told me. He used to text me every day until he stopped out of nowhere. I didn’t know if something happened to him, he hasn’t been streaming or updating his social media.”

“Johnny? As in Johnny Suh? Isn’t that douchebag involved?” Chaeyoung’s charged glare that she throws at you sends you scrambling for a response. You hadn’t put much thought into Johnny’s involvement. The thought of him even knowing about it brings an amount of pain that is hard to grapple with. So you go to defend him, more for your own sanity than his integrity. But Naeun beats you to the punch.

“No, he’s not.” She sighs.

“How do you know?” Both you and Chaeyoung ask in unison. 

“Do you have alcohol, perchance?” She asks with a strained smile. All three of you migrate to the island and sip on small glasses of liquor, awaiting what Naeun has to say.

“Well?” Chaeyoung asks, not willing to wait any longer. 

Naeun snorts, the alcohol pooling warmly in her stomach. “He’s too much of a pussy to do it.”

“That’s… not evidence.”

“And also kinda rude.” You defend him before you can catch yourself. Maybe it’s a little embarrassing, but you decide to stand by it.

Naeun hated talking about Renjun’s party. When she turned up sobbing at her parent’s house they forced it out of her, and now the only things people want to talk about are just motherfucking YangYang and the party. And how turned on her body made them. Naeun lets out a hefty sigh and pulls a nail file from her purse.

“The moment my pictures got leaked my mind went into attack mode and called Johnny screaming. It was just sketchy reflecting on how he sent me to check on you and YangYang. Too convenient.” She stops filing her nails to point the glass file at you. Johnny tried to stop him a second time? You thought.

The feeling that Johnny was a sweet guy lingered even after she cussed him out. Through her anguish, her brain kept nagging at her. Johnny wouldn’t do this, you know that. 

She kept wondering why. Why was her mind so sure when her heart ached and she couldn’t stop crying long enough to breathe? When Taeyong first introduced the two of them she noticed a difference automatically. His eyes didn’t track down to her breasts. He was a gentleman, and not in the way that reeks of sleaziness and entitlement. He didn’t give her that wide, phony grin when he opened doors for her or when he offered her his jacket.

They didn’t hang out much, but when they did it felt like a natural human interaction. Not some drooling hound ogling a piece of raw steak. And even after all of that, after all of the niceties and courtesy and genuine conversation, the first favor he asked of her wasn’t a date or sex. It was to check on you. Naeun got the feeling he wasn’t the type to plan all of that in advance for something like this. She just felt it. And she’s been around lots of guys.

“It wasn’t all the voicemails or texts, it was hindsight. Chaeyoung, you’re friends with a lot of lady streamers. Have you ever heard about Johnny being sleazy?” She keeps her eyes trained on the translucent drink on the table, face slotted in between her hands.

Chaeyoung’s eyes flip up to the ceiling giving the question a good amount of consideration. “No, honestly I haven’t heard of him even getting with girls non-sleazily. I remember at one point questioning if he was gay…”

“He’s not gay.” Naeun grins with a short exhaled laugh. “He’s just softer than people think he’s supposed to be. He’s a “pussy”, but to me, that’s not a bad thing.” She glances over at you and Chaeyoung with heavy lids. Through her words and lazy gaze, both of you feel a bit criticized, and maybe rightfully so. 

You continue to look into Naeun’s eyes and she gives you a soft, seemingly empathetic smile. She had a softie once. She watched him turn into a monster and then vanish. 

“You’ve got a good one. You should keep him around.”

“He’s not-”

There it was, that incessant part of your brain here to remind you of everything Johnny has done. To keep you strong and vigilant. For the longest time, Johnny was this scary monster in your brain, huge as he loomed over you. But after leaving the group he slowly shrunk and became less threatening until now after over a month of living with him. Now all you see is this wide-eyed guy so eager to prove himself to you. Thinking about it, he crumbled as soon as you put your foot down. The others remained wicked ‘til the very end, but Johnny came around almost immediately, warning you when his friends were coming. Maybe he was a pussy. You snort before bursting into a fit of unrestrained laughter. You always were a lightweight.

Naeun watches in awe before cackling herself as Chaeyoung looks on in confusion. 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” You say between laughs.

“Well, he wants to be.” Naeun recovers before shrugging. You wind down shortly after, her words hitting you like a ton of bricks.

“No, he doesn’t like girls like me.”

“Girl, you’re the only person he’s remotely shown any interest in.” Chaeyoung rolls her eyes.

“You don’t know that.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s right,” Naeun notes after a moment of silence. “And if “girls like me” means what I think it means, and you’re thinking what I think you are, he hasn’t flirted or shown interest in me.” After so long of no courting, Naeun just assumed he was like that. 

“What do you think it means?” You say.

“I think it means you see yourself as lesser than because you don’t look like a model. It’s a global dilemma, I think.”

“Huh.” You weren’t sure if she meant to sting you with her words, but it sure worked if she did. It’s not like you didn’t know you weren’t model material, but sometimes hearing other people confirm your biggest concern in life makes it too real. Suddenly you’re all too aware of what you look like. You decided to be bold and wear a cropped sleeveless corset and heavier eye makeup. Even with no makeup, heavy eye bags, and a dull sweat suit, Naeun outclassed you by a mile. She made that actually messy bun look intentional.

“I dunno. I think you’re pretty cute.” Chaeyoung shrugs before throwing back the rest of her liquor. You grin tightly before pouring more in your cup. “Thanks, Chaeyoung.”

“Now tell me about this group.” Naeun starts. You’re too far gone to think about work right now. “I hear we’re using Taeyong?”

“Naeun!” Chaeyoung nearly chokes again before hissing at the woman. Naeun looks at her confused. You’re lost in your own world, feeling like your corset is pressing into your skin all of a sudden. Oh shit, Taeyong is your boyfriend.

“He’s my boyfriend! Hey!” You close your eyes as if to punctuate your lackluster defense of the man. “No using him!”

Naeun’s face suddenly goes grim as she warily says your name, but you don’t see it. Not that you need to, the tone of her voice is confusing enough.

“What?!”

The room is suddenly so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It unsettles everyone in the room but mostly you. You weren’t drunk enough to miss how somber the atmosphere became. Your head snaps toward Naeun who’s giving you a similar look as the one she gave at the party. Like she had just found you with someone nefarious.

 “Not him…”

-

Johnny sets a package on your bed. Must be another clothing brand sending you free stuff. You’re nearly back to your old ways in terms of fashion. He has witnessed you on multiple occasions second guess your outfit choice as soon as you leave the room and go to put on something safer. On your Tumblr, you post all of the bold looks.

jonvvie: this one looks like an outfit you wore in middle school

___: is this an insult? lol

jonvvie: no! I think it’s cool hwo you made it mor emature

jonvvie: how*

jonvvie: more mature*

Johnny smiles again at the meme you sent making fun of his typos. The person who messages him on Tumblr and the one stumbling drunk through the door feel like polar opposites. 

“Fuck Taeyong!” You slur before slamming the door shut. Johnny rushes up to you and guides you to the sofa. He leaves to fill a glass with water before returning to your hiccuping figure. He sets the cup on a coaster before taking your heels off. “That cold sunuvabitch.”

Johnny silently hands you the water and buries his confusion. It seems like you’re gonna spill everything on your own. You actually spill your water all over your shirt before swearing loudly and sending the cup crashing to the floor. “Fuck!”

“Be careful.” Johnny urges, curling your legs onto the couch. 

“We’re gonna take that asshole down. Pull the rug right under his stupid feet. He won’t know a thing.”

Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, he caves. “What do you mean…”

“I dunno, kill him?? No, too risky…” You think for a moment, looking like you’re dozing off as Johnny cleans up the glass and water. You suddenly gasp. “We should blackmail that fucker. Make him do what we want or else.”

“And what do we want?”

“I want…” You pause, suddenly feeling a lot more somber than mere seconds before. Your muddled brain couldn’t make sense of it. You wanted Taeyong. You always have. You finally did it, dated the man of your dreams. “He doesn’t touch me, Johnny.” Your lip quivers suddenly and you want to drive a piece of glass into your throat, but Johnny had already tossed them from the dustpan and was making his way back. “He hasn’t kissed me since the day we first had sex. We don’t have sex.” The words don’t even sound right. A man doesn’t want to have sex? Imagine being so unattractive that a guy doesn’t even wanna fuck you. You laugh derisively at your own misfortune.

“That’s okay, because once I’m done with his ass, I can have Jungwoo again and my bed will at least be warm some of the time.”

Johnny frowns. You must not be searching for suitors or going on dates, either because you’ve been waiting for Taeyong or Johnny ruined that for you too. Possibly both.

Now that Taeyong and your brain have ripped away your last shred of confidence, you were bitter. You wanted Taeyong and you’ve always wanted him, but what about the future? When you’re with him he only looks at you to silently belittle you or to make sure you’re listening to him yap. And all about him looking down on you for wanting to do right by what happened to you? And him speaking so casually about this horrible situation like it’s just another job for him to complete?

You gave him the benefit of the doubt. He wakes up at 6 am every day and is out all the time. Working hard, you thought. When in actuality he was visiting Naeun. 

“He started talking to me before dating Nayeon. I liked him for a moment but he said something that didn’t sit right with me, so I pulled away. He’s been pursuing me ever since, apparently through two relationships.”

When he was sucking up to Naeun, did he belittle her too? Or was she too pretty for that? Despite Naeun’s notoriety for her beauty, you would bet on him being discounting her suffering. He probably said something like ‘But that’s in the past now, look!’ And showing how many people support her. Not even factoring in her nudes still being passed around on the internet like a hot potato. ‘Your followers are growing, isn’t that a good thing?’

“You know what I really want? I wanna help those girls.” Gaining a new boost of adrenaline from the idea you settle onto your knees before looking at Johnny and grabbing his face. “You said you didn’t have anything to do, right?”

“I-I uh-”

“Great! We should shut down that group chat ourselves.” You pat his face maybe a little too hard but you were high off of adrenaline right now.

“We can use… Taeyong… somehow… to gain access to the server and shut it the fuck down.”

“I’m liking this plan, but we should talk about it more when you’re sober.” Johnny laughs at how hard you're thinking and how unnatural your blinking is.

“Fine! And sleep in my goddamn bedroom tonight! I made that floor bed up for you and it takes up so much space and I trip on it sometimes and you keep sleeping on the couch!”

Johnny purses his lips before nodding. “Okay. I will.” He lies.

“I’m drunk, not stupid.” You poke his chest. “I know you’re not gonna do it, liar.”

“The couch is fine.”

“You’re always fuckin’ tip toeing around me like I’m the one that hurt you. I should be the one tip toeing motherfucker.”

Your words burn like hell, but there’s no emotion in your voice or face clear enough to decipher them properly.  “So stop! Just sleep in my room.”

“I just don’t wanna move too fast.” Johnny stresses as if you’re in your right mind.

“You know, I’m pretty sure we did a blood shake. We’re blood bonded!”

“And spit bonded, I know.”

“Exactly! You’re the one who fucked up. I’m still a good friend.” You point at him before pointing at yourself and looking at him with your barely open eyes. “Matter of fact, where’s a piece of glass,”

“Okay. That’s enough.” He courts you off to your room, getting an earful of your drunken ranting as he tucks you in.

“Good night, we’ll talk in the morning.”

You give him a complicated look, the words having a hard time coming out even in your drunken stupor. You grab his hand, “You’re not lying?”

Johnny kneels, looking at you like he’s never been more serious in his entire life. “You can trust me.”

You're out by the time he’s made it back to your door. He glances back and decides to tuck you in properly. The sound of your computer dinging catches his ear. He walks over to turn it off and can’t help the words his eyes involuntarily catch.

There’s a chat box open between you and an account called ‘gnuykeahc’.

___: Id love you to join

It was the first message he picked up, the second one being the one before that, filling him in further.

___: the group so far consists of me, Chaeyoung, and hopefully Naeun

At the very top are a few that concern him from the other user. 

gnuykeahc: I can’t help but wonder if you’re only speaking to me because Twitter called you out

gnuykeahc: I have nothing against you but I refuse to entertain your attempts to clear your conscience 

gnuykeahc: I’m sorry

The next messages show you acknowledging her accusations, never making any attempt to refute them. Some messages manage to make Johnny a little sad.

___: I just wish I could make this all go away for you

-

You knocked out for about three hours before your eyes shot open. You look down at the floor bed, it has become instinctual at this point, and see that it’s empty. The sight adds so much weight to your already heavy heart that you start to cry.

For a moment you actually thought Taeyong was working hard for you. You were sick of being on the side while everyone else prospered. You thought he understood you and fought for you. You have dreamed of this moment since you met Taeyong. You thought that maybe one day he’d spare you some of his love. All you got was a label and a publicity stunt. That’s what this had to be, right? 

You shouldn’t be crying, you should be celebrating. Here’s to sex! You being a little less trapped! But the young girl inside you was strong. Stronger than you. So you spend the night lamenting your first love.

-

Naeun: Hey, got time to talk?

It felt surreal. Not only was she okay but she was reaching out to him to talk? Not cussing him out? It had to be a miracle. Whatever higher power that was up there was being much too gracious to him recently. Him and Naeun meet at a bar. She’s sporting a mask and cap and clothing much more casual than he’d ever seen her in. He quietly sits next to her at a table in the corner. She doesn’t acknowledge him but there’s no way she didn’t see him sit down.

“I’m so-”

“Nope. Not doing that. I don’t want to talk about that situation at all.” She cringes as she instantly shoots him down.

“But I think we need to talk about it, and my involvement, all of that.” Johnny presses.

“I know you weren’t involved. I can tell. I was just really worked up that night. Chaeyoung was ringing my phone off the hook to wake me up and then I got that news. I’m sorry for biting your head off.” She mumbles the last part.

“Don’t be sorry. I didn’t know about the group chat but I was still okay with those guys being douchebags. I was a douchebag and I enabled them.”

Naeun chews at her dry lips beneath the mask. Her skin was a mess and she was behind on her lip treatment. She felt disgusting. She didn’t know that the way she shied away from him and the way she acted after this whole debacle was very familiar for Johnny. “What’s important is that you didn’t cross the line.”

“Debatable.”

“I’m talking about what YangYang and those other guys did. That level, you haven’t reached that. You still have time to mend what you’ve done. Starting with your roommate.”

“Who, ___?” Johnny says, looking at her in confusion. “Where is this coming from?”

Naeun sighs, cradling her head in her hands. “I told her about Taeyong. I didn’t know she’d react like that. I expected her to be heartbroken, but I thought she’d just go home early or something. Not down an entire bottle of grey goose. She was already tipsy from the tiniest amount.”

Johnny laughs. “Yeah, she always was a lightweight.” You never quite explained what happened, and Johnny was tempted to ask. He stops himself. You’ll tell him if you want him to know.

"You need to hurry up and tell that girl you love her.“

It was Johnny’s turn to let out a heavy sigh. He should order a drink or two. “I can’t do that. Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Things are going so well.” Johnny says. He’s fine with waiting. “And I’m sure she’s aware I love her. We’ve known each other since middle school, that doesn’t just go away.”

“What? No you idiot. I mean romantically.” Naeun watches as his face turns beet red and she blows a raspberry and drops her head. “Unbelievable.”

“I definitely can’t do that.” Johnny shakes his head frantically. “She doesn’t like guys like me anyway.”

Naeun laughs again, this time sarcastically. “The two of you I swear…” She sobers her expression and finally looks Johnny dead in the eyes. “She needs you.”

Johnny thinks back to your sobs muffled by your closed door. He let out a few tears himself that night. “Well, I’m here. Plus, she’s still in love with Taeyong, despite whatever he did.”

“You’re probably right, but you have to promise you’ll confess after she gets over it.”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“What, promise? Fine. But at least consider it.”

Naeun wasn’t quite grasping what Johnny was worried about. He wasn’t too surprised. It isn’t every day you meet a pairing like you and Johnny. “I’m just worried I’ll do something and mess everything up.” This is Johnny’s last chance to do right by you. He blinks away the tears threatening to humiliate him. “I can’t lose her.”

“This is so cliche, do I even need to say it? If you love her, you have to be okay with letting her go. If she’s over Taeyong and reacts negatively to your confession to the point that it’s relationship ending, maybe it was time for that relationship to end anyway.”

She was so blunt. She definitely doesn’t understand. She could’ve stabbed him and that would’ve hurt less. The tear rolls down his face and he angrily wipes them away. He can’t think of a response that isn’t driven by his heightened emotions.

“Maybe she doesn’t need you but,”

“Naeun, I get it-”

“I had a relationship like you guys’ in high school.”

Johnny’s jaw clamps shut, resentment having a hard time draining from his eyes but he hears her out. 

“She said a lot about the two of you while she was drunk. Sorry if she reamed you that night, I would blame Chaeyoung.” She starts, continuing when Johnny just grits his teeth. “I told you about the guy that gave me hell in high school. Well, we used to be best friends. I’m talking knew each other as toddlers. Our fathers were best friends and they promised to make their kids friends as well. It worked. He and I were like each other’s diary. I could tell him anything and it just made me feel better.” A strong bond like that seemed near impossible to end badly. Maybe drift apart, but to become enemies and hurt someone you loved for so long?

“We were inseparable by the time high school came around. One night at a party we got drunk and hooked up. I could tell something changed the next day. Something was wrong. I tried to go over to his house and his mom mean-mugged me before slamming the door in my face. He spread the rumor about me being a disease-ridden-slut and the rest was history.” She recounts wistfully as if she wasn’t telling the most heart wrenching story Johnny had ever heard.

“Why didn’t you tell me the two of you used to be friends?”

“Because I tried to pretend it wasn’t true. It was easier that way.” Naeun was feeling about ready for a drink as well. “This mess is bringing it all back. I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

“And for what? To make me feel better? Why are you being so charitable, Miss Lee?” Johnny nudges her with his shoulder and she smiles.

“Like I said. You didn’t reach that level.” He was able to pull back before he did something truly despicable. All because of how much he loved you. Naeun dreamt all the time that Sungchan didn’t let his mother slam that door on her. That he pushed through and embraced her and told her it was gonna be okay.

Johnny’s heart ached for the woman beside him. As if it didn’t ache enough already. She turns to him, staring longingly into his eyes before pulling her mask down. Before they could notice what was happening, they were drawing nearer before they tenderly closed the gap. They pull back after a short kiss, neither of them feeling what they intended.

“We can play around for now, but we can’t fix each other.” Naeun shakes her head. “We can only do that for ourselves.”

-

You’ve spent the entire day crying. It took everything in you not to cry when Taeyong was here. He asked if it was because of Johnny. An act. A poor one that somehow you completely missed. Right when you thought there weren’t any tears left, you cried some more. It was always a far-fetched fantasy.

But the more anguish you experienced, the more serious you felt about your plan. Johnny rushes into the door late at night, throwing his jacket right on the floor.

“Let’s do this.”

-

Working together with Johnny, Naeun, and Chaeyoung, you were so confident. You were passionate and angry. It was the clearest glimpse of the old you Johnny had gotten in ages. But the day Taeyong is supposed to come over you lose a lot of that drive. It’s quickly replaced with anxiety. 

Naeun’s advice weighs heavy on Johnny’s mind. It would absolutely kill him if his confession ruined your relationship. He doesn’t even want to entertain that thought. But maybe Naeun was right about letting you go.

Before he even thinks about doing that, he’s going to do everything in his power to make a significant impact on your life. More than the pitiful kid from your childhood or your supposed best friend that hurt you. He wants to set you back on track to the amazing person you were destined to be before he derailed you.

“What’re you nervous about.”

“Um…” You stare at the door, waiting for him to walk in. After this the two of you will be broken up. “I-I don’t know what’s about to happen and I’m scared.”

“What’s gonna happen is we’ll talk to him just like we practiced and it’s gonna work out.” Johnny glances over with a smile as you stand side by side.

“How can you be so sure? I just- I don’t understand.” There was nothing to be so sure about, nothing guaranteeing their success. You’d have a much easier time in life if you could figure out what everyone else’s confidence was rooted in.

“Because you’re determined to make things right.” When your head swivels toward Johnny he gives you a serious expression. “And I am too.”

The door opens but the two of you don’t stop looking at each other. Taeyong huffs as he sits at your dining table, one of the two main areas that have become your judgment zone. He jogs a stack of papers before giving the two of you a weary look without moving his head.

“Can you leave for a second? I’d like to talk to my girlfriend.”

Seeing his face again you realize something that brings an inkling of your fire back. Taeyong hadn’t visited nor spoken to you in six days.

“We’d both actually like to talk to you.” You state, making Taeyong look confusedly between the both of you. “We need you to do us a favor. We want access to the group chat and we know you’ve got connections.”

“Bold of you to assume. Even if I did, I’m not getting involved with that more than I have to be.” Taeyong replies without a second of consideration.

“Okay then, fine.” You settle at the table across from him. Your jaw was starting to get sore again as you stare him down. “I know about Naeun, she knows about me, and we’d both like you to leave us the fuck alone.” You spit, nostrils flaring as the contempt for this man builds inside of you. Six days.

“Naeun-” He scrunches his eyebrows before dread sets in on his face. “Hold on-” He fishes for his stupid phone in his pocket, only fueling your fire more.

“No need. Naeun blocked your number and gave us screenshots of your conversations. We’re not gonna post them as long as you just help us.” Johnny remains calm and rational, an accidental good cop to your bad cop.

“So, what, you’re blackmailing me? Even if that wasn’t a crime you should know to tread carefully, right?” Taeyong remains calm as well, giving that look that shows just how he thinks of the people around him.

“If you do a thing to either of our reputations Naeun will finally make a statement and include you in it, and your creepy and disrespectful texts to her.” You respond, not as calm but your passion made him falter a bit.

“You’re really gonna blackmail me for this? your pictures aren’t even in there.” Taeyong reasons frustratedly.

“Doesn’t matter to me. I know it’s a hard concept for you to understand, but I don’t like to see people get hurt. I played it your way and it felt horrible. I don’t know how you live like this but I don’t care. Just get us what we need and we’ll part ways for good.” It takes everything in Johnny not to give you a proud look.

Taeyong laughs mockingly, tilting his head to the side before looking back at you. “After all that work I put into helping with your group you’re just gonna kick me to the curb?”

“All that work?” You stand from the table as you glare at him. “You mean flirting with Naeun while we were in a relationship?”

“Please don’t stand there and act like you weren’t willfully ignorant. I let you live your fantasy and you ignored all the red flags and read fanfiction. The two of you are really good at dodging blame.” Johnny grabs your shoulders when he senses you’re about to blow up.

“You asshole…” Your voice trembles.

“Look, we just need to gain access to the group chat. That’s all. We just need that one favor, it doesn’t have to get messy.” Johnny hesitates for a moment, he didn’t want you to find out like this. “You already said how much you don’t want to be around her.” You go limp in Johnny's grasp and he lets you go, ignoring the way you look back at him.

“You know what? You’re right. I’ve probably lost ten years off my life dealing with you basket cases. So let’s just get this over with. Also, hun,” He looks at you, smiling even though tears are welling in your eyes. “Good luck on stopping that incoming hate train. You were too busy doing this, I hope you know it’s too late.”

The moment your front door closes you collapse to the floor. Johnny follows you, not holding you but staying close.

//eight months later\\

“Johnny.” You can hear him dragging his feet, explaining why it takes so long for him to appear in your doorway. You just smile from your bed. He knows exactly why you called him.

“Good news, taking my time worked. They completely trust me now.” Johnny forces a smile but you still just stare at him. “So we can start phase two.”

His smile flickers when you sit up in bed.

“Doesn’t that make you happy-”

“Johnny come in here and go to sleep.”

He makes a show of his long sigh. He thinks he’s slick, only coming in to sleep on the floor mattress once you’ve fallen asleep. You got up in the middle of the night one time and he’d dozed off on the couch watching a movie.

“I’m not tired yet.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t relax here. Hell, you could even watch Netflix on my computer if you want.” You suggest lightly as you point to your computer.

Johnny is far past vagueness, the two of you had a long discussion about communication. “Don’t you want some time to yourself? We see each other all day.”

“Not really, I’m sitting at my computer most of the time.”

You were right. The only time you hung out was when you ate dinner or you joined him on the couch and watched whatever was playing. “We don’t have to talk to each other either. You can just lay down or sit in my computer chair. It doesn’t have to be awkward.”

“Okay!” Johnny moves his feet before he could hesitate any more. He lays stiffly on the bed and you curl your body over to look at him. His eyes dance around, refusing to land on you staring at him. He didn’t even get under the covers, he just laid perfectly still with his arms by his side.

“Lovie, what are you doing?”

Johnny groans and presses his cold fingers to his hot face. That name being back was still very new. “Just laying down like you asked.”

“Suggested,” you correct, “and you can always go sit on the couch if you’re uncomfy.”

“No,” Because then he’d have to admit something else was bothering him. Your new room was much more spacious now, so it’s much less suffocating than it would’ve been. Your perfume had already soaked the air of this room. You’ve tried out a new fragrance, one even more intoxicating. Though, anything you decided to spritz your body and clothes with would drive him mad.

You watch him for a few more seconds before taking a quick inhale. “Well I’m going to sleep.”

It’s quiet… it’s awkward. At least for Johnny. You were probably taking your own advice and not making it awkward. His nightmares haven’t exactly gone away, but with the help of his therapist they haven’t been as debilitating. He explained the obvious, that they were rooted in guilt.

“I know that. It’s just getting over the guilt.”

“Do you want to get over the guilt?”

He wanted to answer yes immediately, like it was obvious, but he retracted his answer. Johnny was constantly raking himself over the coals. Telling himself he deserved every bad thing that happened to him.

“I did something horrible.”

“You told me about what she said while she was drunk, is that consistent with her sober opinions?”

Johnny knew what he was doing. She got over it so why don’t you? 

“So if she didn’t forgive me, I would be deserving of punishment then but not now?”

“Maybe you should try considering the reasoning behind her forgiveness and not the action itself.”

He didn’t ask him, he should’ve, he’ll remind himself for the next session. What if the reasoning isn’t sound? What if she forgave me too rashly?

“Why did you forgive me?” He forced his question free before it could be locked behind a high security vault. You don’t answer quickly which leads him to believe you’d fallen asleep while he was in deep thought.

“Pretty intense question for bedtime don’t you think?”

Johnny panics, wishing he could wrangle the question and shove it into the vault. Beyond the possibility of the question bothering you was the answer not being something he wanted to hear. What was he thinking?

“It’s my fault. All of this.”

You ever thinking that was remotely possible was a mind boggling riddle he’d rather you explain yourself. He makes a bewildered noise after failing to come up with words.

“I introduced us to Taeyong. I was selfish. He was the only person who smiled at me in the halls when everyone else scowled. He helped me when my books fell. He didn’t back down when his friends made fun of him or Hyojong and Hyuna threatened him. I was a child, but I wonder if I did all of that for my own gain.”

Johnny feels angered by your assumption, ready to scold you for even thinking that way, but he realizes how hard this must be for you. This isn’t the first time since he’s been living with you that you’ve expressed these concerns. You’re just trying to grapple with the aftermath of all of this just like he is.

“I introduced YangYang to the group, and Taeyong invited Nayeon. Lucas and Doyoung came on their own.” He repeats what Taeyong told him that day. “That’s just how it is, but it isn’t so cut and dry. You and I invited who we thought would enrich our lives and each other’s.” YangYang was the only guy in Johnny’s life that didn’t make fun of your looks at the time. Johnny even saw what you saw in Taeyong at first. That’s how it started, bringing people into each other’s lives that would heal your shared wounds.

“Taeyong didn’t pick on you for liking flowers…” Your voice got quieter. “So I thought he was okay.”

“Hey.” Johnny gets up from his bed to kneel beside yours. You turn onto your side and rest your hands over the edge. He places both of his over yours. Neither of you realize that the other is experiencing the same electricity. “I’m fine. Your own mental health should be your priority.”

You breathe a small laugh. Of course it sounds obvious when he says it like that. “I’m a grown man.” Your smile drains away when he says that again.

“Johnny, what does that even mean? You don’t need support?” You ask frustratedly, wanting to get to the bottom of this. “It means I’m not a little boy anymore.” He replies like it’s nothing. Like his own words aren’t kickstarting a whirlwind of thoughts.

“Am I meant to believe all the suffering I witnessed was nothing?”

You forgave him because you thought you caused all this. That’s simply not true, and that reasoning was flimsy just like he thought it would be. Once you fully realize it’s not your fault, you’ll realize you don’t actually forgive him as well. He wants to sulk about it, but his emotions aren’t important here.

“You have enough on your plate.” He murmurs dismissively. He doesn’t explain any further despite what the two of you talked about. He just rolls away from you and stays silent until your mind tires from the endless concerns and lulls you to sleep.

-

rawdawg: the pussy messiah has arrived!

Johnny cringes at each message that pops up after he speaks. It turns out it was a discord server. No new pictures have been arriving because the three suppliers had fucked off out of fear. The group chat members chastised them but they weren’t stupid enough to go do it either. Even before the leak.

jonssuh: been having fun?

rawdawg: you know it

rawdawg: we got something for ya!

Johnny already knows to look away when the picture loads and scroll up.

jonssuh: what is it? it’s not loading

rawdawg: that stupid bitch purkyung’s nudes, she took them for someone else on snapchat and he got a screenshot

There’s no way those were Chaekyung’s pictures. Most female streamers are still on high alert. And from the few times she’s agreed to meet up with you to talk, she does not seem like the type to make a slip up like this. Johnny was still panicking, though. Hers or not, it was her words against everyone who didn’t like her, which was still unfortunately a lot.

8==D: we should leak it lol

morbius sweep: are you dumb?

morbius sweep: we should blackmail her instead

He told you he’d move forward tomorrow but he wasn’t sure if these were empty threats. These were the three most active users on the server other than Johnny himself trying to build a rapport. They were undeniably lowlifes willing to throw their own lives away to tear other people down and nut in the process. Is this what Johnny looked like to you all these years? Is this how he would’ve ended up in some alternate universe? 

Johnny quickly texts you that he’s starting before switching back over to discord.

rawdawg: @ jonssuh are you ever gonna stream again man? you were so funny bro

Blerg: he was super laid back

fbivfk: top tier streamer

As the praise poured in he saw a text from you at the top of the screen.

___: okay. I’m ready

He reviews the plan in his head but keeps getting distracted by the change in discussion. After this, the server would be gone.

morbius sweep: he was legit the funniest one in the group I’m not gonna lie

The first time Lucas ever called him funny was like a temporary high. Especially after all the times he and other people called him corny or lame. He chased that high like his life depended on it. The high was so strong he was able to block out your suffering and at some points, incite it himself. He feels a flicker of that high reading these messages. It had been a while since someone stroked his ego. Right now he was effectively living his high school dream. Having sex with a beautiful woman while being called cool by people similar to the ones that ridiculed him. The people whose opinions mattered the most.

Would his younger self be able to overlook all the caveats littered amongst this fairytale? These people, they’re pathetic. Scrounging for nudes of women who would never give them the time of day. He can’t unsee the piteous nature of it all. And Naeun isn’t fucking him because she’s obsessed with him or thinks he’s cool. Laying in her bed night after night is a constant reminder that she is still coping with her heartbreak. 

Worst of all, Johnny couldn’t like the girl if he tried. He’s coming to terms with it now, the fact that you can’t control who you yearn for. You can either deny it and become bitter and miserable or just face the facts.

8==D: Doyoung and Lucas are pretty funny too

rawdawg: we all know who wasn’t

8==D: lol

morbius sweep: at least she isn’t blabbing online like Mark is

rawdawg: she knows her place

The image of your sullen expression was burned into his retinas, and it was even more vivid in this all too familiar situation.

jonssuh: you guys are too kind

jonssuh: I see the archive is filling up, yong is tellin me the cops are talking to him now about the group chat

jonssuh: they’re gonna be on our asses at any moment

rawdawg: this shit is so tiring

morbius sweep: stupid pigs

8==D: I’m not trying to fuck around man, I already deleted everything off my phone

Atreus: why? it’s not that serious

8==D: you’re willing to go to jail over this? the pictures will still be in the archive

rawdawg: just delete em until they can the investigation again

morbius sweep: if we get caught you know they’re siding with the chicks just like everyone else is.

The chat continues to go back and forth just like you predicted. You even prepared a back up plan in case people refused to cooperate. In the end, the consensus is that it’s better to be cautious. There are definitely some users lying about cooperating, and still a couple refusing altogether. 

He wants to ask why they’re doing any of this when the risk of another woman getting exposed is still there. Johnny felt the same skepticism when talking about Chaekyung with you. She seems to only be meeting with you so you’ll eventually leave her alone. She doesn’t seem keen at all. 

“It’s about bringing peace of mind. To make the situation less harrowing.”

Johnny starts typing again. Maybe the people who still have pictures will be too cowardly to post them.

jonssuh: @ everyone make sure to delete them, if they search your phone and find them you’ll be getting me in trouble with you

It takes longer than he expected, then again he was being impatient. He was pacing in the living room until everyone in the server took the poll. Ninety-seven percent said they followed through, the other three percent checked that they wouldn’t.

jonssuh: last call! I’m about to lock away the archive until this clears up

You bite your nails as you wait on him to tell you when. You have the server owner’s password written on a napkin for time sake. 

“Did he say it yet?” Chaeyoung asks for a second time.

“No.” You confirm in a low voice, concentrating on your phone. You weren’t sure if this could get you in trouble with the law. Tampering with evidence, or something. You were surprised by how little you cared. They fumbled the ball once and now you were taking matters into your own hands. Truly getting rid of the pictures for good.

Lovie: NOw

You race to log in, fingers trembling as you quickly mouse over the server settings. With a few clicks the server is deleted, and if Johnny followed the order correctly the archive was too. You jump up from your seat with an elated squeak. “I did it! It’s done!”

Chaeyoung hugs you from your back and hoists you into the air with a grunt. You’re not even phased by your sudden airborne state. This was finally over.

-

Getting over Taeyong is harder than you care to admit. He never loved you, it’s what you keep telling yourself. But then you think of his body pressed against yours in the back of Lucas’s car. How you were sure he was about to kiss you. The night he asked to be with you, that kiss was breathtaking. The sex, you were so eager to give yourself to him. It was easy to convince yourself that he felt something too.

But as time went on, you found out what real pain felt like. You tried to keep it concealed to not worry your friends or fans but you were suffering. He was pure evil and you fell head first into his trap. 

You steadily cut the carrot on the chopping board, being sure to go slow as you felt your heart wither. It hits you randomly, strong bursts of sorrow that send you toppling over like a flimsy house of cards. Reality hitting you coincided with taking the group chat down. Chaeyoung tweeted about it, even though that wasn’t part of the plan. You all were only supposed to tell the people involved so they could worry less. The tweet gained a lot of traction and news spread fast. You and Johnny were getting so much love. The groupchat and most of the pictures were gone, and your group was coming along swimmingly. All you could think about was how easily Taeyong toyed with your heart.

You stop and set the knife down for a moment to collect yourself. You inhale, surprised when your breath gets caught. You feel your eyes start to get misty and try to distract yourself. Johnny is right next to you preparing the meat. Neither of you have reached out to the other directly to help. It’s strange, because the other seems eager to do the helping. Johnny can be a bit sheepish about it, but he expresses his willingness to help in small ways.

Envisioning Johnny comforting you doesn’t sound bad at all. In fact, the two of you find ways to touch each other all the time. It’s electrifying, even when it’s his fingers brushing against your arm. You wouldn’t mind a hug right now. But it’s getting to that part that’s difficult for you.

“Takin’ a break?” He asks amusedly. You don’t mean to be cold but you’re in no mood to joke right now. You turn away from him slightly, knowing the tears are coming. Crying wasn’t going to help anything, and you’d look absolutely pathetic begging for a hug. How could he even stand being around you for so long?

He calls your name cautiously before setting aside the spice bottle in his hand. He inches closer to you and feels it. You cried a lot when you first found out Taeyong was cheating. Then it subsided. Then Taeyong looked straight into your eyes while he crushed your heart in his hands. You focused your energy on the plan and your group, but he could still hear you every night. Then it just stopped. 

But as he approached you, he could tell this was different. He got an inkling you were no longer mourning the relationship. You were starting to put the pieces together.

“If you need to go lay down, I’ll finish myself.” Johnny successfully catches a glimpse of your face. You looked disturbed by whatever was churning in your brain. Should he have told you what he realized way back when Jaehyun was here? Every time he considered it it felt like that night he ran to your house. You had a right to be defensive, and maybe telling you now would make you realize you still don’t forgive him.

It happens in an instant, your face was dry and then comes the flow of tears. “I’m sorry.” He was probably sick of hearing you cry, and now you were doing it in front of him. “I-I’m sorry I’ll go,” You replace your wavering voice with a sturdier one as you try to peel away.

Johnny grabs your shoulder gently and reaches for the other, turning you to face him. You guard your tear-soaked face. “It’s not a big deal, I know.” You say as if you know he’s thinking it. He shakes his head dumbfoundedly.

“It is a huge deal. I’m just sorry you had to find out this way.” It’s hard for him to focus as he watches you cry. He’s consoled you probably a hundred times. Even if he hasn’t done it in a while, he has a starting point. The only caveat is that once he does this, he knows it’ll only be harder to leave. As he brushes your tears away with the back of his hand you feel that electricity again, and you convince yourself that maybe it’s just because it’s been a while. You unguard your face, letting him see your desolation in all its glory. You feel yourself unwittingly tensing up as if you were preparing for something bad, but as you bathe in his doting gaze you realize something. You don’t feel small or insignificant at all.

Then he takes your hand and guides you to the couch. He sits in the middle and pulls you to sit in between his knees. As soon as you’re settled there your heart is set alight when you realize. That’s not even half of the emotion Johnny is feeling as massages his fingers into your scalp. Just like when you were kids, your neck goes limp and you rest it on his right thigh. A lengthy sigh leaks from your lips as your body starts to untense. Johnny’s heart is filled beyond capacity as he watches serenity wash over your features. It feels like it could burst.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You ask, voice still feeble. You remember vividly how hurt you felt when Johnny spoke to Taeyong. You already said how much you don’t want to be around her. You’ve never felt so undesirable in your life. Those words had a hand in tainting your memories of Taeyong. Johnny doesn’t doubt for a second you’re talking about Taeyong. It’s loaded in your eyes every time you’ve looked at him since. That unspoken acknowledgement.

“At first I held off because I didn’t want it to be like that night we all came over. When YangYang first tried to take advantage of you. I’ll be honest, I was worried about you, but deep inside I knew it was just a ploy to see you again.” Johnny starts carefully and ends regretfully. “I was being selfish and ignoring your wishes.” He slows down his massaging, moving his hand in wide circles.

“I started having suspicions he was using us from the beginning.” You pull your head back up straight, and a small part of him is glad he can’t see your face. He just focuses on your scalp. “I think… I think he used us to strengthen his altruistic image. Bullies strike fear into people for respect, he was just trying a different approach to gain even more respect.”

He sits with your silence, letting you soak in the information as he continues to soothe you. When you finally speak it makes him stop completely.

“Did he… I mean he had to. He thought I was unbearable the entire time.” Your mind tortures you with flashes of what you probably looked like all this time. The fat, mouth-breathing, hard to look at nuisance that kept following him around. The sole reason he got tired of keeping up with his act. He just couldn’t stand you that much. And could you blame him?

Who cares what he thinks? Is what nips at the back of his brain but he shoos it away. Johnny did at one point. Being in that group chat made him realize the true nature of all the people whose opinions he valued more than his self respect and best friend. They were ten times more embarrassing than the people they looked down on.

“I know how bad it feels when people successfully weaponize their valued opinions against you. It feels like no matter what you do, you’re gonna be seen as wrong. It makes you feel powerless but that is an illusion.” The way Johnny emphasizes his words reads as him finding credence in these words himself. “You have the power to control your circumstance by shattering this illusion. The women you follow on social media have either figured this out or are getting there.”

“I understand that.” Your spine was starting to hurt from not relaxing against him but you just couldn’t get yourself to. “I just don’t understand how.” How to get there or how people can be so confident. How could anyone know for sure if they have power?

“Me neither. I still don’t, at all.” Johnny gulps, heart stilling for a moment. “But what I did understand was that I loved you. Love you.” You grow even stiffer, rigid from the intensity of his words. Of course he loves you, why does this feel so… real? “And that’s all it took.”

Johnny starts massaging a little faster, a tinge of awkwardness setting in after he second-guesses his decision. Then you rest your head on his bare knee and his face goes hot again. “B-but um… yeah I just wanted- you should pursue what’s important to you. Dwelling over the complexities can just send you in circles.”

Suddenly the fact that you were touching each other, kind of a lot, was very apparent to Johnny. His nightmares have effectively killed his arousal. And any time he imagines you in your bed he can’t stop thinking of your blank stare and worrying question. Johnny sighs, the heat draining from his cheeks once he’s brought back to reality. He needs to start planning to move out of your house and back into his. 

“It was nice living with you.”

“You too.” You speak in a hushed voice, the finality of it all makes your stomach drop. Living with Johnny as adults was a fantasy you conjured up as kids. It was time to be serious.

“Johnny?”

“Hm?”

“I want to help you.” 

-

Gravel crunches under the wheels of Johnny’s car as he pulls into his house. The pace is sluggish, and even when he parks he doesn’t take his hand off the wheel. You’re not ecstatic about going back in there either. This time you were alone to grapple with any strong emotions this causes for the both of you.

You’ve made it clear to Johnny that you’re here if he needs you but he has yet to accept that invitation. Even offering to help clean was a bit of a struggle. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t sting. You guys were chatting more casually now, and when you look at him you don’t see the asshole who tormented you in this house. You see the goofball with too many damned dad jokes. You see a sweet and supportive friend. You see a scared boy calling out for help. 

“Are you okay Johnny?” You speak softly as your eyes fall to his hand clenched around the steering wheel.

“Why wouldn’t I be? We’re just cleaning a house.” He unlocks his jaw to mumble. It hurt to admit, but this defensive side of him felt like the last remnants of the Johnny that wounded you. You felt yourself subconsciously walking on eggshells when he got like this and it slightly angered you. All this progress and he was carelessly waving it off. 

“Is it because of what happened after we took you home from the bar?”

Johnny’s head snapping toward you startles you a bit. “What’s “it”?” he asks incredulously.

“Why you’re acting like this. One minute you’re sweet and doting and the next you’re cold and dry. It only happens when I offer to help you with something.” You defend, tone insisting your question is in good faith. 

“I-” He starts, pausing with a grumble once he notices his carelessness. “I know you said you do this because you’re a good friend, but I can’t help but feel like you’re coddling me.”

“Here you go again, Johnny. It’s not coddling you, you’re not less of a man for getting a little help!” You’re directing your bitterness at the existence of this argument at him, you can’t help it.

“Does Jisoo come over and clean your house for you?” He argues back.

“But you did. Is it okay to baby me but not the other way around? We’re both adults.”

“I was repaying you for letting me stay at your house.” Johnny tries to sanitize his tone and de-escalate things before things get out of hand. If he were to let go of the steering wheel his hands would be trembling.

“I’m here because this is about more than cleaning and you know that.” You reel yourself back immediately. You were unsure if this would help in the long run, you were getting things off both your chests. And you did ask him to be honest with you. It feels like more of a curse than a blessing, there was nothing cathartic about this. The two of you barely bickered as kids. The biggest fight you had back then was about a particularly low blow he delivered while you were following Hyuna around. You didn’t talk to each other for a few days, driving you even further into delusion. Things finally resolved after whatever happened with Hyojong. He never told you, but he approached you the next day on his knees.

“I hate myself for hurting you.”

The guilt was probably tearing him apart. You sigh, though the distance between the two of you is broad right now, you know what you need to do. You pop the door open and step out before peering your head into the car. “I’m gonna go inside, you better come in and stop me before I clean your entire house for you.” You shove the door shut.

Johnny watches as you enter his house, flinching at the smell but still closing yourself inside. There’s no way you could stand that smell for very long. You’d probably end up tossing your lunch, but he believes you’d stick it out. Stubbornness was another trait you re-developed, not that it doesn’t warm his heart. He leaves the car, slowly trudging to his front door. He dwelled on every pebble he felt beneath his soles. Fixing his car window put a hole in his pocket, and his poor broken air conditioner was a problem. Not to mention the flowers he spent months caring for. He wraps his hand around the doorknob.

All of those seemed like child’s play compared to the rot. Rotting food so far gone it was a pile of black goop with dozens of insects ravaging it. He opens the door to his empty house. You were elsewhere, he could hear you rustling through a cabinet in the distance. He walks straight to the corner of his living room where the main source of the stench was. That pile of black goo that he found himself staring at while his friends sat around, stewing in the foul atmosphere. Laughing, playing video games, trading nudes without consent. Johnny kneels down, the odor strong in his nostrils. You plod down the stairs with a bucket of soapy water clutched in your gloved hands and a mask. 

With watery eyes you watch Johnny stare at the rotten food infested by pests. You approach him and kneel beside him despite the smell. You wish he would tell you what Hyojong did that day. For now, you push the bucket his way and hand him the sponge. He lingers on the sludge as a pool of tears perch on his bottom lid. He lets the tears drop as he glances over, taking the sponge.

You work on different sides of the house, cleansing it of its neglect. Spraying and scrubbing the couch where he and his friends sunk into for hours on end, tidying up the cords and controllers for his console, and cleaning that horrifying fridge. When it was all done, you focused on getting rid of the lingering smell, spraying air freshener and opening every window. Hopefully the bugs will leave with it. You plop down on a bar stool admiring that you managed to kind of return the favor. You notice Johnny hasn’t sat down, and he’s staring at a different spot now. You follow his eye line to the wall. The toothpick did more of a number on your toe, but there was a small dent, and on the floor were splotches of dried blood.

You look back up at him worriedly. That was the moment everything fell apart. You were no longer hurting each other, but also no longer in each other’s lives. Reflecting on living with him, you couldn’t imagine going back to that again. Neither could Johnny, but it’s what needed to happen. All this pain and sorrow for some popularity? For some lousy friends? Even after all he’s put you through, you’re here and they’re nowhere to be found.

“I’m sorry.” You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s about to break down and you rush over to him. “I’m so sorry.” He sobs. You pull him into a hug, the first hug you’ve given him in years. He eagerly hugs you back, his large body encompassing you, squeezing you. You squeeze him back, both of you hiccuping and sniffling into each other’s ears. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“I forgive you.” You pull away to caress his face, surveying it as you wipe his tears away. You shake your head as your cheeks fill with streaks of tears. “It’s okay, I forgive you.”

“I don’t believe you.” Johnny responds despondently. You clench your eyes shut. For a while, you didn’t believe yourself either, constantly doubting yourself as he remained within your walls. Maybe you didn't forgive him at first. What he did was inexcusable, but seeing how much pain he’s in helps you understand.

“It was a defense mechanism, but you’re okay now.” You press your forehead against his and both of you shut your eyes now. “You’re safe.” You pet his hair until his breathing calms and his arms stop trembling.

-

Chaeyoung raises her glass in the air with a smug grin, preparing what she was gonna dedicate her toast to. “To girls’ night!” She shouts assuredly. Mark nervously raises his glass. “To… to girls’ night?”

“To girls’ night!” Jungwoo announces proudly. You, Naeun, Jisoo, and Johnny all raise your glasses and call out the dedication before drinks are clinked together. The night has barely started when you spot Chaeyoung making a move on a flustered but embarrassingly keen Mark. Johnny and Naeun are sitting at the bar talking, and you’re against the wall with Jisoo and Jungwoo.

“Why do we come to parties and clubs when we know it’s not our scene?” Jisoo inquires to herself. Jungwoo still replies. “Hey, introverts like to get drunk or laid sometimes too.”

“That is true…” You remark with a pointed look at Jungwoo. He rolls his eyes while Jisoo grimaces. “Gross.” She groans.

“No but seriously, I wanna go back to normal again.” You whine.

“I just think you need a little more time,” Jungwoo starts, hinting at your break up, “plus, I’m not comfortable with fucking while Johnny is in the other room.”

“I’m going to the bathroom.” Jisoo drones as she peels away. You wait until she’s out of earshot to continue. You really didn’t need two bouts of pity right now. 

“That’s okay because he’s leaving soon.” You swirl your drink, looking at the vortex of liquid instead of Jungwoo’s face.

“Oh. His house is fine now?” He sounds a bit awkward, knowing this is a touchy subject.

“Yup.” You pop the ‘p’, trying to play off the way your mood is being dragged to the depths of hell right now. “Well then… things will really be back to normal, right?” Jungwoo tries, hoping he didn’t accidentally step on a landmine.

You’ll go back to having sex with Jungwoo while he’s in a loving, perfect relationship. Mark seems to be hitting it off with Chaeyoung, which is interesting, but he’s back to his bubbly self, now packaged with a potentially awesome girlfriend. And Johnny is laughing with Naeun while she hits his arm. Johnny is preoccupied and soon to be moving out, and with how he’s been speaking to you recently, possibly out of your life.

“Right. Back to normal.”

-

Mark and Chaeyoung barely made it out of the door with how rigorously they were making out, but they made it to the back of a taxi and were probably screwing each other’s brains out by now. Jisoo and Jungwoo left early after Jisoo got drunk as fast as she usually does, all cute and limp as Jungwoo carried her away on his back. That leaves you alone, standing against the wall as you watch Johnny and Naeun. They were barely drinking, caught up in whatever riveting conversation they were having. 

You should stop being weird and go over there, join the conversation, but it feels wrong. They looked right. When Naeun leans in, you can’t help the despair that rackets through you. Her lips pressing to his made you tear your eyes away. You felt like your heart would break to pieces if you watched any longer. You stumble to the nearest restroom and splash water on your face. 

You should be happy. Johnny got a beautiful woman he deserved without tearing anyone down in the process. If you’re not, it’s probably because of how sad and lonely you are. Soon Jungwoo will be back and this will get better. The kiss replays against your will and you experience a second round of that horrible feeling that nearly sends you to your knees. You’re still getting over Taeyong, that has to be it. 

The door opens and shuts softly behind you, and you look at him through the mirror. He finally cut his hair and shaved his facial hair. He looks down at you with those dreamy eyes and smirks. 

“Did you get a little confused?”

You flick the remaining water off your hands and turn to embrace him. He mumbles a soft ‘oh’ before hugging you back. “Or is it that you’re drunk?” You haven’t had more than a sip, but you don’t answer him, instead hugging him tighter.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

You continue to let him believe you’re drunk. You might as well be, with how delusional you’re being. Whatever the mysterious cause may be. He loads you in the passenger seat of his car and shuts the door. Naeun is trailing behind, their conversation is muffled by the door. 

“One more time before we call it quits?” Naeun suggests. Johnny shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. Naeun was objectively breathtaking. Especially tonight with that dress and her hair perfectly styled. However, Johnny couldn’t change the facts. No matter how many times he laid in her bed or kissed her or had sex with her, he couldn’t force himself to be attracted to her. That would be easier right now, but his heart lies elsewhere. “Can’t. I’m sorry.”

He wants to tack on a ‘maybe next time’, but he holds off, perhaps with false hope. Either way, he’s driving away from the club without even dancing or getting drunk. He can’t be too upset, though. He peers over at you, you’re calmly looking out of the windshield. 

“You’re not actually drunk, are you?’

“How could you tell.” You murmur.

“You’re not talking my head off.” You both chuckle softly. 

“Johnny.”

“Hm?”

You purse your lips as you keep your gaze straight ahead. “Wanna have sex with me?”

Johnny stomps on the brake so hard it throws both of you forward. The car behind you spams their horn before driving around you while shouting obscenities. Johnny’s shoulders are up by his ears and your arms are spread out to brace yourself.

“Are you sure you’re not drunk?” Johnny asks after clearing his throat.

“We’re both adults, it doesn’t have to be a big thing.” You shrug. “We’re best friends!” He shouts back.

“Please.” You cringe after you say it but it’s already done. The silence is killing you so you shut your eyes. 

Johnny drives on, unable to untense his arms. He thought he was over getting turned on by you, but maybe his nightmares didn’t kill his sexual attraction to you completely. He can feel heat starting to pool down there. You weren’t drunk and you were asking him. In theory he should be jumping at the opportunity, but he lets out a long exhale instead.

“I can’t do that.”

You laugh bitterly, tilting your head to look out your door window. “A man refusing sex is as clear a sign as I’ve ever seen.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Johnny asks in genuine confusion. 

“It makes sense that you’re dating Naeun.”

“Dating?” He takes a short moment to gawk at you before returning his eyes to the road. “Naeun and I aren’t dating. It’s like you said, we’re both adults. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“Really?” You genuinely thought they were, you expected it to happen sooner or later. “She seems like your type.”

“Her?” He asks incredulously. “I’d be crazy to shoot that high.”

“I dunno, you’re handsome, tall, and you have the capacity to be sweet. You know, when you aren’t roasting me.” Johnny scoffs at your joke. 

“Whatever.” Johnny winds down, suddenly remembering what you had just asked him. And that you just complimented him. “I’m a loser, though. I only preached about my high standards as an excuse to why I was single.” Guess it was time to start unveiling the true reasons behind his previous shitty actions. He presses his cool fingers to his cheeks.

“So you don’t like girls like Naeun and Nayeon?” You ask, as if a ‘yes I do’ won’t send you spiraling. 

“I mean, it’s what people tell you to like. It feels like you’re supposed to.” Johnny ponders. “But if I actually think about it, their looks don’t affect me at all. It’s kind of… empty?”

You felt relieved, and then ashamed of that relief. 

“Maybe you should think about that as well.” Johnny’s words make you look at him in confusion. “Every time you dress up you say something about if Naeun would wear it or think it’s weird.”

You take a moment to think about what he’s saying, jaw dropping open once you realize. You never noticed that you did that. Even today, every time she looked at you, you doubted your outfit choice. You straighten up in your seat and make an official goal post. You were going to wear a flashy outfit to TwitchCon. One that catered solely to your interests.

-

Chaekyung answers the door pretty fast. “Come in.” She urges. It was nice that she reached out to you this time. She seemed frantic over the phone and her actions now indicate that very little has changed on your ride over. Anything is better than before. You completely understand why she would be standoffish, though. Being ambushed with no one coming to your aid is a level of stress you unfortunately understand. Right now you’re effectively Taeyong, and if you’d treated him with the same caution she’s using, perhaps you’d be in a better place.

As you step into her living room you spot another figure on the couch. He has a short haircut, much shorter than the other men in your life. When he turns around you realize it’s someone you actually do know. YangYang. 

He smiles nervously, standing up from the couch and approaching you, you take a step backward but he doesn’t get the memo. He pulls you into a hug. “Hey! It’s been a while.” Your arms strain under his tight grip, hands clenching into fists. You toss a questioning look at Chaekyung, giving her the benefit of the doubt. She ducks away from your stare, clearly harboring a guilty conscience.

“He wanted to talk to you.” She blurts out, still avoiding your eyes.

“That’s true.” He finally pulls away and you instantly put distance between the two of you. “What do you want?” You blink, disoriented from how sudden this all was.

“You’re the talk of the town recently! I mean you’re in the Dreamies and have your own popular group. Not to mention how everyone loves you, and I hear you’ve got Taeyong on a leash-” You cut him off, understanding perfectly now, “You want me to boost your image.”

“I mean, it could be more of an ‘I scratch your back you scratch mine’ type of thing, but essentially yes.” YangYang’s attempt at a cordial tone is nauseating at best and tonedeaf at worst. He was so close to putting you in that group chat. 

“Absolutely not-”

“You already threw Lucas under the bus but I’ve still got a chance. Unless you’re planning to do that for me too, which I don’t think is entirely logical.” YangYang looks up at Chaekyung who starts vigorously nodding her head. “You saw what happened to Chaekyung here,”

He only lets you think for a short moment before he speaks again. “For you to suddenly ice me out after knowing you for so long… I mean, you did the same thing to Johnny but you clearly regret it.”

“I don’t regret it.” You respond immediately. “He needed to understand how much he hurt me, and he does now. What’s clear is that you still don’t.” You wonder if he still sees the situation as innocent fun you ruined with your bitching.

YangYang recovers quickly from your jab, most likely not absorbing it at all. “Is proving your point worth potentially ruining the reputation you worked so hard for?”

You were bigger than Chaekyung, but she was always seen as a darling on the platform. Minded her own business and was championed as the ideal girlfriend. And just like that, her social media is a ghost town overrun by gun wielding thieves itching to deliver that final blow to do her in for good. Still. 

Maybe with your increased size it won’t happen to that extent, but even half of what she received was a bit stressful to imagine. Instead of one Lucas, YangYang, Doyoung, and the old Johnny, there’d be hundreds. With your scope, probably thousands. You do want to help Chaekyung, seeing her so helpless feels horrible, but a part of you did reach out to prove to yourself you could handle situations like this. That they could be fixed. Inviting her into the group would offer her new support. Or it could introduced a fuck ton of hate to everyone involved.

“Just think about it and get back to me. Here’s my number.” YangYang hands you a sliver of paper and you peer leerily at it. Just take it and get it over with. Don’t cause any trouble, you told yourself. But your stomach churned, screaming at you not to do it. Because you didn’t want to. If Johnny were here, he’d just tell you to act on that, but you were stricken with the anxiety of the outcome. Your eyes slowly pan back up to YangYang’s face. As he smirks at you, you remember Chaeyoung’s words. Imagine him making that same smirk as he snapped pictures of her and spread it around behind her back.

“No.” You state and shake your head, giving him a stern look before walking away. He and Chaekyung yell after you, just like the time you stormed out of Johnny’s house. Back then you felt so weak and small, shrinking with each step. Here, you felt much, much stronger. A smile even had the gall to stretch onto your lips as you pushed Chaekyung’s door open.

As soon as the door shut, the feeling that you made a mistake picked at you. 

Should I have done that? 

Did I just ruin everything? 

Why did I do that?

But what were you gonna do, turn back? Apologize? Moreover, why are you glossing over how hilarious that was? The look on YangYang’s face when you rejected his offer. No, his pressure. Who did he think he was? He was so confident you’d just concede. If anyone should be the one reconsidering their actions, it’s him. You laugh heartily, definitely looking insane as you make your way to the bus stop.

You did it because you wanted to. And oh, how you’ve wanted to do that. Embarrass them like they embarrassed you, make them feel stupid. 

When you get back, you feel immediately inspired to try out some looks. Johnny sits on the bed as you hold different outfits in front of your body.

“Hm, I like that skirt.” Johnny comments before making a contemplative hum. “Not the shirt?”

“No, maybe something different.” You rummage through your closet, you’d be hard pressed to find another red shirt that matched this. You pull out a long sleeved one with an apprehensive noise. “This is the only other shirt I have that matches.”

“Put 'em together.” He encourages before spreading his feet farther apart and leaning forward. You wince as you hold it to your torso. The droopy sleeves and the way it tied in the front seemed a bit much, but with the skirt and shirt together it gave a bit of a 70’s vibe. You gasp and rummage through your closet again until you find a pair of gogo boots. “Turn around!” You say excitedly, ripping your clothes off before he can even fully turn away. You admire the outfit in the mirror for a second before Johnny asks if he can turn back around.

“Okay, turn back around.” You twist your hips and lift your shoes as you fully examine the combination. “I… think you’re a visionary.” He comments dreamily.

High off of Johnny’s praise you invite him with you to the grocery store, already starting your exit before he even answers. “Just one moment. Stay just like that.” You turn halfway, startled when you hear a click. “Did you just take a picture?”

Johnny lowers his phone to give a sheepish smile before he nods. “What’re you gonna do with it?”

This time Johnny just shrugs, not having a believable excuse available. You give him a leery look before refocusing on your current objective.

-

“Round two.” You whisper as you walk hand in hand through the gliding doors. The doubt surfaces as soon as you’re in the presence of other people, any of them could peer at you and cast judgment at any moment. Johnny senses you faltering and squeezes your hand. It’s enough to ground you and keep you pushing. Eggs and milk. You need eggs and milk.

For the most part, it’s fine. Yes, people’s eyes are lingering on you, even turning their head to maintain their stare. But it could be worse. That thought eases your fears a bit. If this is it, people just giving you weird looks, you don’t know what you were so afraid of. You must’ve expected them to gather in a crowd and boo you out of the store.

Maybe gogo boots with a slightly 70’s inspired outfit was a bit out of the norm for grocery shopping, but you felt in your element. It felt like you were finally truly you. Walking through each aisle sparks an idea in your mind. It was definitely out of your comfort zone for now, but you can picture a good photo with the store as the backdrop.

As you reach the dairy section you hear giggling. You and Johnny both look in that direction, seeing a group of teenagers near the middle of the aisle. The two girls seem focused on their phones while the two boys are deciding on yogurt. They’re not looking at you, you tell yourself, but you still let go of Johnny’s hand to tug your skirt lower.

More of them start laughing and in your newly jittery state you glance over again. Now all of them are looking at one of the girls’ phone. This scene is all too familiar to you, like watching a nightmare unfold in real life. You’re about to convince yourself they’re laughing at a video or something, it’s not you, when they all look up from the phone at you. Smiles wide and mocking, contorting from your mind playing games. You tug at your skirt again and try to conceal as much skin as you can with the fabric at your disposal. You curse yourself for not bringing a jacket. There’s nothing you can do. You are exposed to their scrutiny whether you like it or not.

You make plans to hide behind Johnny or maybe just leave entirely. The hair was too much, you should’ve known that. Another notification buzzes in your purse like it has all day, making you scowl even further. You should’ve turned them off when you had the chance. Then another notification followed by another has you whipping your phone out to silence the disturbance. Your phone starts to go crazy, and you suspect another Tumblr picture has blown up. But looking at the screen you see they’re coming from Instagram of all places. You stopped posting frequently years ago so your notifications had slowed to almost a complete stop.

Opening the app you see that you’ve received a ton of new followers. Did someone shout out your Instagram not knowing it’s a wasteland? The first comment you see is a strange one.

‘you should post more pictures like the one Johnny posted!’

Other comments pouring in seem to all be mentioning him and some picture. You go to his profile and instantly spot the picture he took at your house. You blanch at the discovery, checking the comments against your better judgment. The constricting sensation on your heart ceases when your eyes scroll over each comment. You feel Johnny’s hand on your shoulder and tear your eyes away from the phone.

He was worried for a moment, but is content with the touched expression you have now. “You okay?” His smile fades just a little as his worry picks back up again. Instagram tells you he did this just now. Despite him not taking credit for your phone buzzing up a storm you can tell he’s satisfied. 

The teenagers are still there in your peripheral, their dark clothes like an intrusive stain on your vision. Are you okay? Physically you’re perfectly fine, though your brain would like to convince you their eyes are setting your skin ablaze. Emotionally… you feel vulnerable. You glance over, meeting the eyes of one of the snickering teens. The effort to downplay your emotions is nonexistent. The voice in your brain speaks barely above a whisper because the truth is that it hurts. This sucks. You don’t like what they’re doing and it makes you feel bad.

“No,” You finally reply, peeking back at the comments again. 

“Do you wanna go back home?” He asks, voice suddenly quiet to ensure they don't hear. 

“No. I want…” A moment passes as you conduct your thoughts. “I– h-here.” You open your photo app and slip the phone in his hands before pushing him to the other end of the aisle. You walk backward until there’s enough space for a cart to push through. Johnny breaks from his confusion once he figures out what’s happening. He raises the phone eye level as you start posing. It’s awkward as all hell, and they’re really laughing now. You’re all over the place emotionally. Your mind is going a mile a minute with regretful thoughts and pleas to get out of here. But you’re not hurt, you’re not in pain, and you’re definitely not hurting anyone. 

“Switch poses.” Johnny’s arms drop down for just a moment so you get a glimpse of his proud smile. You loosen up a bit, trying out a pose that requires a bit more confidence. With one more click, Johnny finishes taking photos and the teens have ventured elsewhere. You release a deep exhale at the sight of their absence. It feels like you had just sailed through turbulent seas during a thunderstorm, but you were fine. You did what you wanted to do and you weren’t struck down by some higher power monitoring any behavior outside the norm.

Johnny crosses over to your side to show you the pictures. “They look cool.” He comments as he swipes to the last one. The one where you were most confident, where your smile was at its most radiant. His heart skipping a beat sends a ripple through his body. “Can you send these to me?” He tries, a tiny bit anxious about if you’ll think his request is odd.

“To post?” You sheepishly look up at him and he glances away. “No, you just look really nice here.”

It was your heart’s turn to send your entire body into panic. For a moment you feared something was wrong but after it passed, you were left befuddled. The thought of someone keeping a photo of you, not because they’re in it or for some other practical reason, because you just look really nice has you suddenly smiling like an idiot.

“I’d love to.”

-

Was this too much? You groan and toss yet another outfit to the wayside. As you ogle all the clothing items laid out all over your bed and floor, a new question crosses your mind. Was this too little? It’s subjective, you’re aware, but this outfit has to push you out of your comfort zone for this to be a true test. You can claim you no longer care about what people think all day, but if you can’t wear a truly phenomenal outfit to this sausage fest, that will reveal the truth.

You didn’t invite Johnny to help because you need to be able to gather courage on your own. That one thought chained him to your mind as you continued your search. Oh Johnny, you thought as you reminisce on what he did. You stare at the beret in your hand, but you’re not staring at it at all. You’re looking past it as you imagine his little pleased smile. Or how proud he looked watching you pose. No, you just look really nice here.

Your eyes flutter closed, memories of him filling your stomach with such a pleasant sensation that you get lost in it. You eventually snap out of it, but during the entire process you think of different things he’s said and done.

Glancing in your closet, your Prada loafers stick out just a little from behind the door, as if to tempt you closer. You answer their call, sinking your feet into them and it feels like heaven. It almost justified the price. The rest of the outfit comes natural as pictures you’ve seen a ton of times on the internet flash behind your eyelids. This was definitely going to turn heads, you grimace slightly as you look in the mirror. You quickly note that the discomfort wasn’t from the gingham jacket or the beret. Definitely not the loafers. No, you felt great in this outfit.

Johnny felt like he was supposed to find Naeun pretty, but he keeps pictures of you in his phone. Your heartrate kicks up, generating a strange feeling so strong you’re rendered motionless.

-

“Oh, so when Johnny says it you believe him.” You shush Jungwoo, even placing your hands over his mouth to silence him but he just pulls them away and keeps talking. “What did I tell you? I was poetic as shit too.”

“Shut up!” You push him backward on the bed, grunting when he welcomes the change in position. “We’re literally naked and you’re running your mouth.” You swing your hips forward, shivering when your mound brushes against his member. 

Instead of fucking you, like he should be doing, Jungwoo just looks at you like he’s suspicious of something. “What?!”

“Did you fuck him?”

You gasp and gear up to hit him but he’s already blocking your attempts. He’s speaking entirely too loud about someone who’s right in the living room. “I did not!”

“Good! Because I still don’t fully forgive him.” He grasps your wrists to stop your flimsy attacks, expression just a little more serious now. 

“I know, Jisoo said the same thing.” You lament, not wanting to have this conversation. He doesn’t even know about the weird feelings you have when you think about Johnny.

The door opening startles both of you and you scramble to get up. Jungwoo wraps the comforter around you defensively and you would roll your eyes if Johnny wasn’t standing at your door. He looked frazzled which shooed all playfulness from your body.

“I-I’m sorry for barging in, but I think Taeyong did something. All my socials are blowing up with outrage.”

“What?” You scurry off the bed to hurriedly clothe yourself, rushing to Johnny as you bounce into your pants. “How do you know it was him?”

“It’s similar to what happened to Lucas. He threatened him and then all these random people started making allegations.”

You slip the phone from his hands and examine the screen. You and Johnny were both trending in your country. You click Johnny’s name and see exactly what he’s talking about. Anonymous accounts, other than one account from Nayeon, claiming Johnny is an asshole behind the scenes. Those weren’t damning by themselves, the news that he helped take down the group chat would defend him against that. It was the clips people found that did him in.

They were from back when he was still trying to impress the wrong people. Most of them depict him throwing jabs your way, insulting everything from your voice to your appearance. One of the clips play out loud before you could stop it.

“Do I like ___? Don’t be stupid.” Johnny snickers as the chat fills with amusement, egging him on. You wince, but it’s not like it’s anything you haven’t heard before. Still, after enduring what was essentially a prolonged rejection, that clip put everything in perspective. Seeing the clip affecting you, Johnny carefully takes the phone back. 

“I just wanted to warn you so you could check your own name, make sure he didn’t get you too. Whenever you were prepared.”

To look through a bunch of hate or to grapple with you suddenly worrying if Johnny will reject you, whatever that means. You pull out your phone and check your name this time. You go still, mouth parting in shock. Just like your Tumblr, just like the comments under Johnny’s picture of you, all you see is overwhelming support. And pity, but more importantly, hatred for Johnny. The three stooges even caught fire with their clips resurfacing too. Even Taeyong for being caught laughing in some of them. But Johnny is public enemy number one.

He did say these things, and if it were aimed at anyone else you’d be calling for accountability, but you can’t help feeling bad. You lower your phone, hesitating before finally looking at Johnny. He looks worried, but you can tell it’s directed at you. 

“Is everything okay?” He steps forward, placing his hands on your arms. “Yeah, did he get you too?” Jungwoo asks, who’s been silently attentive this entire time. You just shake your head. It didn’t make any sense. What, did he think you suffered enough, or was he harming you through Johnny?

“We can do something to help you. Come up with a plan. I’m sure Chaeyoung and Naeun will put in a good word for you.” Your eyes widen as a lightbulb turns on. “Naeun still hasn’t said anything about the situation. Maybe she-”

Johnny shakes his head, moving his hands to your shoulders as your voice dies away. He’s quiet for long enough that your adrenaline is winding back down and letting your worry peek through. “No, we can’t do that.” He knows very well Naeun wants nothing to do with any of this. It was about time for him to bite the bullet.

“Then what should we do?” You’re stumped, you don’t know what his next move will be. It will be extremely hard to come back from this. You’d be surprised if he wasn’t chased off the internet entirely.

He notes your tentativeness, so he opts to be vague and just ease you for now. “I have a plan.” He offers carefully.

“Well, okay. What is it?” You’re suddenly hopeful, and realizing his method wasn’t working, he sighs disappointedly. If he tells you, you’re gonna talk him out of it and stress for the rest of the night.

“I have to do it on my own.” Your hopefulness fades but you ultimately accept this answer, nodding and letting Johnny leave with no further explanation. You tried wrangling the unease in your gut but it kept festering. He was trying to avoid alarming you, you could see it from a mile away. That night you wanted to turn to him and ask what he was hiding. You ended up drifting to sleep and waking up to him not being there.

For a small, delusional moment you wondered if he had packed up and left while you were sleeping. You push your legs off the bed and stare down at the mattress. Drifting off into space, you let your phone ring one, two, three, four times before breaking free and picking it up.

“Hello.”

Jisoo says your name with concern heavy in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Johnny posted a statement. He came clean.”

Your heart constricts, you freeze completely in trepidation. You lower your phone to check Johnny’s account. You felt like you were going through each stage of grief with each swipe and tap. “Johnny… what did you do?” 

Pinned to his account is a link with a short message attached. 

‘This is long overdue’

You inhale sharply, apprehensive of what you’re about to see. He starts the message acknowledging all the criticism he’s garnered since the day prior. He apologizes to all your fans from Taeyong’s group, the Dreamies, and your new group.

‘Those clips were not only distressing to ___, but to anyone who’s endured something similar, and I know how hard it must’ve been to hear those things I said. Unfortunately, that’s not even the full scope of what I’ve put ___ through.’

You cover your mouth with your hand as realization hits you like a brick wall. You skim through the statement with jittery eyes, unable to read through the entire thing. It was hard, knowing that each word was another nail in his coffin.

‘I destroyed her confidence, making it harder for her to express herself or meet new people. I was comfortable doing it knowing it would be hard for her to leave because we meant so much to each other. All she did was trust, love, and stick by me and I spat in her face. I did it all to gain internet points and respect from people who don’t deserve respect themselves, and in doing so I encouraged behavior that would go on to hurt and strike fear into so many women. Each bigoted remark I made influenced hatred that would negatively affect many lives.’

You clumsily find footing on the floor before starting your search for Johnny. Your eyes are still glued to the phone as your eyes retrace every word. This is what you wanted, right? After all those years of endless torment, it has been revealed to the world. Now you can finally heal. Your other hand joins in grasping the phone as you skim further

‘I want to apologize one more time to all her fans or any viewers that happen upon one of her streams. If it weren’t for me you’d be seeing her at her best. She’s still amazing, but I’m afraid that she’ll never truly return to how she once was. I want to apologize to all the victims who got their pictures spread by people I enabled. If I had just pushed back even a little bit, they wouldn’t have been so comfortable doing something so cruel. 

And lastly, I want to apologize to the person I hurt more than anyone else. I’m sorry, ___, for being the only one who could hurt you like I did and being just heartless enough to go through with it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Even when I was saying those vile things, your presence filled me with comfort and content. Just seeing you could dissuade anything bad I was feeling. And I took advantage of that while not doing right by you. I’m still doing it. So I’m gonna do right by everyone and end my streaming career here. It’s not fair to all of you that I took part in all this misfortune and even benefited and profited from it. I can’t be truly sorry for what I did without removing my ability to benefit from those I hurt.’

You pick your head up slowly until you’re making eye contact with Johnny. He smiles from the couch as if nothing’s wrong. You make your way, maintaining eye contact. He stands as you reach your desired proximity. You have so much to say to him. So much scolding to do and yet so much consoling as well. But as you open your mouth, no words are formed. No sentences constructed. Just a quiver of your lip, furrow of your brow, and an ache behind your eyes. 

You fight away tears for as long as you can but they win like they always do. Years of holding back your urge to break down completely and sob in agony have gotten the best of you. But now you have your best friend back. You finally have him back and you’re not ready to lose him. 

Noting your struggle to speak and incoming tears he engulfs you in a tight hug. You happily reciprocate, clenching the back of his shirt as you succumb to your tears. “I’m sorry, I knew that would make you upset.”

You whisper your forgiveness, not just for him posting that but for everything. The truth was that even though you didn’t forgive him immediately, you just wanted him around in spite of it all. While you’ll never forget what happened and how you got here, you know now that he has finally scrubbed the rot from his brain. He’s free to live with the acceptance of his wrongdoings, and you’ve never felt freer yourself.

“And don’t make a post defending me or anything.” He warns playfully. You nuzzle further into his chest. Despite him pretending there’s nothing wrong, there’s something hanging in the air you both want to address. “You’re not coming with me?” You ask in a wispy voice, tears staining his hoodie as he rocks you back and forth. You had been planning both your appearances at TwitchCon for so long. You missed the last one and this would be your first time going as a featured creator. Did he know the whole time that he wasn’t going?

Johnny sighs, drawing circles into your back. “I don’t think they’ll want me there anyway.”

You’re not sure if his statement would make everything worse or better. He admitted the bad things he’s done, but enough sincerity could make a community turn around. But he already quit and there was no guarantee the convention will be very welcoming to him. It would crush you to see people ridicule him in person. So you just hug him tighter.

TwitchCon wasn’t what was actually at the forefront of your mind. That was just meant to be the last thing the two of you did together before he moved out. Moving out was one thing, but he couldn’t be planning to distance himself after all of this, right? You pick your head up to look at him and he notices the fear in your eyes and puts the pieces together. 

“I’ll drop you off and pick you back up, okay?” He brushes your hair out of your face before cupping your cheek. That wasn’t what you were worried about. You could feel a stitch in your side. “Okay.”

-

He parks the car before letting the silence truly set over the two of you. You play with your tennis skirt, feeling hyper aware of every different texture against your skin and what parts of it were showing. 

“You’re gonna be great today. I’ll be watching your panel on my phone.” He grins proudly. You flash him a pitiful smile. God, how you wish he could actually be there. “Have fun.” He signals for you to leave, but that’ll be one more moment of interaction over. You weren’t sure how many you had left. You reach for his hand and he squeezes yours immediately. “What’s holding you up?”

You look at the time with dread. “Nothing.” You slowly pull on the handle and step out onto the concrete of the parking lot. The sound of your feet against the ground is the only thing piercing through your clouded mind.

“Hold on.” Johnny says, stumbling slightly as he steps out of his car. You whip around, hoping he’d changed his mind. You spot his phone in his hand and you scramble to get your purse over your head and on your shoulder. You get into a pose and he smiles again. Everything you do, it’s like you can feel his support, he doesn’t have to say a thing. Right after the camera is lowered, your anxiety peaks again. He approaches you with the screen facing your way, displaying one of the pictures he took. You look at the picture and then at him in confusion. He points at the picture.

“You see her? Because I see someone confident in what she’s wearing.” He smirks. 

“Well I see someone feigning confidence so the picture looks nice.” You correct with your own brand of pessimistic smugness.

“Every time I’ve taken a picture of you, your smile is the most genuine I’ve ever seen it.” He peers at the picture fondly before looking back up at you. “I feel like that confident girl is in there somewhere. She peeked out her head in the grocery store.” His frame curls over you until your faces are dangerously close. Something must’ve happened, something completely unheard of, because you get the urge to kiss him suddenly. The urge is strong and leaves your body humming and chest tightening. 

“I believe in you.” He pats your shoulder before squeezing it. He walks back to his car and you finally enter the building. Greeting fans and making your way through each room feels like a flurry of moments you never fully focus on. A hazy thought in the back of your mind makes you aware of Jaehyun’s absence, you numbly wonder if it’s because of the clips. You feel as though you're on the outside watching yourself as you venture through, meeting up with Chaeyoung and the rest of your group.

Chaeyoung leads all of you to some room secluded from the busyness of the convention. You’re surprised to see Naeun already sitting in one of the chairs. “Naeun? Hi! What’re you doing here?”

Her smile crinkles her eyes. “What, I can’t support my girls?” She argues, clutching something in her hands. She looks hesitant as she stands from her chair before revealing her creator pass. All the girls gasp. “Also, this.”

“Oh my god?” Chaeyoung walks up to her before hugging her. You and everyone else follows suit, surrounding her with your mass of bodies. 

“You’re streaming again?!” Dahyun asks excitedly. Naeun makes a strained noise before confirming. “I can’t believe it!” Jinsol muses.

“We’re happy you’re back.” You add before everyone peels back one by one with wide smiles. She smiles at everyone before her eyes land on you. She rubs your arm before giving a pointed look. “You ready?”

You want to say you’re not and curl into a tiny ball, but you wipe the thought from existence. You don’t let your pessimism fester and stretch a wide grin on your face. “Yep! I’m ready!”

If you thought the main section of the convention was busy, the panel room was beyond packed and loud. There was no room to think, just constant noise muffling your ears. You and your members stand just off stage and await for your name to be called. Taeyong’s new group goes before you, and you wonder if that was done purposely to drum up drama and spawn juicier questions. Their panel concludes and he and Nayeon don’t spare you a glance. He technically didn’t break your deal, but you still couldn’t contain your anger for him. It took everything in you not to chase after him and confront him.

“Next up we have a few members of the Dreamies and Pansies!” The room fills with rapturous applause and cheers, making your ears ring as you step on stage. You wince, squinting at the bright lights aimed at you. You sit at the third seat down, glancing over at Mark before flashing a brief smile as he sits next to you. Naeun sits on your other side and you prepare to start, just like you agreed. Your throat goes dry as soon as you open your mouth. You furrow your brows as you try to focus your thoughts. Of course, just like every time your brain goes wild, you think of Johnny and remember he’s watching.

“If high school me knew she’d grow up and still have to do public speaking again she would’ve been pissed.” You chuckle awkwardly and the room fills with light laughter. You clear your throat. “Okay. Hi, I’m ___. I’m a member of both the Pansies and the Dreamies. We didn’t expect Naeun to be joining us today-” The crowd erupts once again, their cheering and whistling bringing a soft yet thoughtful smile to Naeun’s face. You peer at her as you wait for the cheering to die down again. She looks at you too and you return her smile. “But I think it was fitting being that we’re chatting about unity on Twitch.”

Each person takes turns introducing themselves before the crowd applauds again. “So, I think it goes without saying that unity is really needed right now. The community feels as though it’s gone through a shift after relatively recent events. I’ve seen and experienced first hand how scary it can be to have no one offer support in a time of need. To get dogpiled and ridiculed with everyone turning a blind eye and letting it happen. Sometimes we can’t stop bad things from happening, but that doesn’t mean we should sit by and do nothing.”

You continue following a rough guideline of what you practiced, but the passion took control and made things easier. Different members of the panel added their two cents. You were ready to add one more thing when the host announced it was time for questions. The time flew right by, and here you thought you’d be stumped and the conversation wouldn’t flow. Everyone seems to be just as passionate. 

Various people raised their hands for a question. It started with questions for Chaeyoung, then Naeun who of course had nearly the entire room raising their hand. Then you, and to your surprise, there were just as many hands. You were just about to get excited when you realized it was probably because of Johnny’s controversy. You scan the room before pointing to someone near the middle. “You in the black turtleneck.” You purse your lips as they’re handed a microphone. He looks like he was already amused by his question. “Where did you come up with the name Panies?” He speaks, and an involuntary smile spreads across your face.

“There are like thirty different associations for each flower, but I don’t know, pansies have always meant a lot to me.”

“Some say they symbolize nostalgia or remembrance, but my favorite interpretation is that of love. It’s generic, but it’s not just romantic love. It can be platonic too, and I thought that was nice.”

Then it’s Mark’s turn. After him is Haechan, then Jeno. It circles around to you and restarts one more time. Before long it’s back to you, and you’re high off the pleasant and light atmosphere. Everyone seems to be having fun, and maybe you’re imagining it, but the audience seems to care for your cause as well. “You in the purple shirt and jean jacket.” You point. 

“The topic is unity, and you worked hard to get that group chat taken down,” applause interrupts her and you smile shyly. “But why have you been so silent about… everything. Literally everyone else has talked about it now except you and Naeun. Naeun was taking a break from social media, so that makes sense. But you…?” She waits for you to fill the blanks in a seemingly courteous move. Unfortunately, her trailing off only makes the uncomfortable silence that falls over the room more apparent. 

You had let the dilemma of your statement fall to the depths of your mind. People weren’t really talking to you about it or telling you to do it anymore. But even now you were still feeling hesitant. You peer out into the sea of people staring at you, awaiting your response so they could react or judge accordingly. Maybe you’ll be the first panel to be booed off stage. Only one way to find out.

“If she doesn’t want to speak about it, she doesn’t have to-”

“I was propositioned by YangYang twice.” You start, stopping Mark in his tracks. Everyone on the panel looks at you in shock. It’s dawning on you that Mark and Chaeyoung are the only people who know. Everyone else just thought your statement would be about condemning the people you used to hang out with all the time, or expressing generic sympathy. “I was lucky enough to have someone in my life to stop me from making a mistake. They recognized I wasn’t in a sound state, and YangYang wanted to take advantage of that. I know not many girls are coming out against any of the people involved, but I think it’s important to listen to the people that are.” The crowd is quiet and you can’t tell if it’s because they’re listening or because they’ve been put off. You think that if you stop for too long you’ll lose the confidence to continue, but you think harder. The crowd could pull out hidden tomatoes and start lobbing them at you but you’re not sure you’d stop.

“Listen, I just wanted to do something I found fun with people I cared about. I’m not here to nag you, but even the thought of my body being posted and spread around to people feels fucking horrible. Despite this, the thing I was most afraid of was the backlash I’d receive if I said anything. And I don’t think that’s right, no, it just isn’t right. I spoke to YangYang, and he was more at ease than I was. I’m sorry to all the victim’s who’s statements were deemed even a smidge less credible due to my silence, because there’s nothing I should be afraid of.”

The silence that overtakes the room is almost deadly, but you only notice the overwhelming relief you feel. You’ve been harboring these emotions under high security but now they’re finally free. In the midst of your euphoria, a few people start to clap until applause ripples across the entire room. There were no hoots or hollers, but a few people stood to amplify the feeling of silent respect. Mark stands up, pulling you up by your arm and using that same arm to tug you into a hug. After you pull away, Naeun is waiting for you. She gives you another hug, and it’s not very long until you’ve hugged everyone on the panel. 

It went exceedingly better than you thought it would. All that worrying seems silly now that your heart is filled to the brim with joy. It’s that type of joy that keeps you brimming for hours. The type of joy you want to share with somebody. Maybe you’re greedy, but even with all these things working in your favor, you’re still interested in something more. As you walk through the lengthy corridor, your happiness slowly fades to make way for a deep yearning. Something so carnal it shuts off your critical thinking.

The need grows as you approach Johnny’s car, realizing he stayed here the entire time. As you open the door and sit in the passenger seat you ignore his praise and questions. There was something ever present on your mind since he dropped you off that you needed to take care of before you could answer his puzzled calls of your name. You lean over the console and grab his face before mashing his lips against yours. You feel his face get hot and it’d be comical if your body wasn’t raising in temperature as well. The electricity was flowing stronger than it ever had, pricking at your skin and raising the hair on your arms. 

Johnny pulls away briefly to readjust and make for a less of a blur of lips. It’s not much better with how hungry the two of you are for each other. Especially for Johnny, who’s anticipation for this moment was years in the making. You feel your ears burn as you push your tongue past his lips to let them flip and curl against each other. Dangerously, arousal quickly takes root and it’s evident by the way your hands start to roam.

A hand slides between your breasts before curling around your throat. You gasp lightly, parting ways to unload a heated gaze onto each other. The heat slowly dissipates from both of you until you’re fully seated again. Johnny silently starts the car.

-

You barely make it through the door let alone get your shoes or jackets off. A trail of clothes is haphazardly left behind until Johnny is hoisting you onto your bed with your skirt not fully removed yet. He finishes the job before pushing you back until you sink into your comforter, looking up at him with lust soaked eyes. 

He isn’t completely sure if it was what you were silently requesting, but he makes the move anyway, wrapping his large hand around your throat again. Your lips part further and your eyes flutter shut. Never had he felt intoxication to the extent he felt now. He felt like he’d vibrate right off the bed. He captures your lips again as his other hand moves up to cup your right breast. He kneads it first, loosening his hand around your throat to hear the full extent of your noises. Even the breathy sighs and gasps you're making now fill his lungs with a blazing fire. 

He goes from kneading to squeezing to pinching, paying attention to what earns him the sweetest noise. He felt like a teenager again, when he’d lie stiff in bed imagining what you’d sound like when he touched certain places. A sharp inhale when he sucked at the right spot on your neck followed by a strong shudder. The first moan, albeit soft, when he flicked your nipple with his tongue. A long hiss when he nipped at it or blew cold air to make it fully perk up. He could spend all day learning what makes you tick until you’re screaming for the real thing. He thinks he just might, but he’s reminded of the unlikeliness of that with a throb of his cock. Johnny needs you, he needs you right now. But if he fucks you too soon he knows he’ll cum embarrassingly fast.

Johnny’s kisses make obscene wet noises as his lips travel down your torso. You whimper and hide your face against your shoulder. You never felt this sensitive with Jungwoo. A rush thrums up your legs when you realize where his mouth is going. It’s still wet and making noises even more obscene as he goes straight for tonguing your slit. Your lips aren’t even spread and he can still tell how wet you are. The thought thrills him so much it brings out an involuntary moan. He spreads you open with two fingers before flicking his tongue against your exposed clit. Your legs twitch and the crazed bastard unfortunately notices. He continues his efforts until your poor legs are twitchy messes and your stomach is whooshing from the raw friction.

His name on your lips is a broken, squeaky mess but it eggs him on nonetheless. A finger in your clenching hole forces a shattered cry out of you. You reach down in a blind search for his hair before tugging the strands between your fingers. Your own hips betray you, stuttering toward his face to bring about an even stronger sensation. Your squeaks build until they’re a string of loud, cut-off moans that make him hum into your cunt. You shudder again with a surprised giggle at how violent the feeling is. You feel like you’re shoved over the edge, hips bucking wildly against his face as you cum around his finger. One finger, you think with another disbelieving laugh.

He was experiencing his own high from making his over decade long crush cum like that. He kisses you with your essence still on his chin, smearing onto yours. You pull him back with both hands, a ravenous look in your eyes. 

“You better not fucking leave.” You mutter breathlessly. The thing keeping him from staying seemed to no longer be an issue. “You don’t even have to worry about that.”

You go to devour him again but he only accepts it for a few seconds before flipping you over. He hoists you on your hands and knees before positioning himself behind you. He slaps his rock hard cock against your clit and makes your knees buckle, but his other arm is still holding you in place. “I don’t have a condom.”

“I don’t either.” You reply impatiently. Explaining that you and Jungwoo used them up would take much too long. “I’m on the pill and clean. Please stuff me full already.”

Your words deliver a blow to his chest and nearly make him pass out, but he comes back to his senses to line himself up and finally treat his throbbing cock. You sigh as he pushes through, but he makes a strangled grunt. Passing each ridge of your cunt is him succumbing to the chokehold further and further. The pleasure is red hot, pulsing in his joints and almost causing him to collapse on top of you. His hand leaves the few inches of his shaft still exposed in favor of one of your breasts, making you clench around him.

Johnny curses under his breath. “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to hold back.”

“It’s okay, I can handle it.”

“Yeah?” He throws his hips forward experimentally and earns an especially loud moan. He keeps your hips steady with his other hand as his hips push flush against yours. You haven’t fucked many people, but Johnny had to be objectively scarily long. You thought Jungwoo was, but you can feel this man in your navel. “You sure you can handle it?”

His words acted as a warning but his hands were caressing your body so softly. His hand dipped down your stomach and lifted back again to give a tender squeeze to your breast. His actions drive him even madder, especially when he digs his fingers into your thighs, biting his lip. He just couldn’t get enough of your soft skin under his fingers. Touching places he only dreamed about and convinced himself he’d never get to touch.

Johnny was starting to appreciate that he wasn’t using a condom when he thought about really filling you up. Even if a romantic relationship doesn’t somehow come from this, he thinks he may be fine stuffing you full of cock and cum until your bodies physically can’t take it anymore. Just being with you or in you was enough. 

“I love you.” He lowers against your back, breath tickling against your ear as he flicks his hips. You tremble, ass squishing against his pelvis with each knock of his hips. You’ve felt so loved throughout this journey with him, but you crave something more. “I know, I love you too.”

“No,” He starts softly next to your ear, “I really love you, ___.”

Your heart throbbing is so jarring you gasp. Johnny slips from the gaping tunnel he made inside you to let you turn and look at him. Your eyes flicker between his, searching for the information you need before you even ask. “You mean it?” 

“Of course.” He chuckles, brushing his thumb over your lips and then your cheek. “I’ve wanted you from the first time I ever saw you. Even when I didn’t want to admit it.” He plants a tender kiss on your lips, the first coherent one you ever shared. Clearly communicating your evolved love for one another.

You reach for the tip of his member, never breaking the kiss, and line him up again. He groans from the feeling of your warm hand around him before biting your lip when he feels your wet hole again. You help him sink in by raising your hips and it feels different than the first time. Like you were experiencing your old friend like you never had before. You disconnect to drink each other in, gazing longingly at one another as he fully sheathes inside you. Your mouths hang open until noises finally break through. Desperate keens and whines fill each other’s ears as your faces fill each other’s eyes. As if you want to carve each other into your minds.

Your bodies are pressed together and you can feel the other’s heartbeat. His thrusts are shallow, keeping you full at all times as his tip kisses your cervix. You feel your neck flush, your entire body tingling as the pleasure builds, snowballing until aching whimpers are the only sounds emitting from your throat. “I’m close-”

Everything Johnny feels contributes to his incoming high and when he hears those words, it’s like time slows down. “I want you to cum around me so bad.” His thrusts get harsher, balls slapping against your asshole. Your head thrashes against your bed as wet heat fills your lower abdomen. “Johnny!” You gasp as your walls flutter around his cock.

Your face twists and contorts as you massage his dick, flooding it with your arousal as you cum. With a handful of your breast clenched in one of his hands, he cums soon after, slit spurting semen deep within you. 

You’re both immediately rushing to embrace one another, not worrying about the mess, how sweaty you both are, nothing but wanting to stay as close as humanly possible.

//|\\

Epilogue;

The main thing the realtor kept stressing was the rich soil. “That paired with your spacious backyard will make for a breathtaking garden.”

You just wanted a pool. It turns out in-ground pools are a lot more expensive than you thought. No wonder only filthy rich people had them. But, you guess it was for the best. If you had gotten a pool, Johnny wouldn’t have been able to show you just how breathtaking a garden could be. You rest your fists on your hips with a huff.

“That bastard… that skilled bastard.” Jungwoo mimics your pose, shaking his head as he takes in the garden. You mentioned something about not wanting your backyard to look rustic or farm-like, and he clearly took note.

Various stone pathways wind through your backyard and are bordered by a colorful array of tulips, larkspurs, and lilies. A line of rocks keep clumsy feet from stomping his hard work. One path leads to an outdoor movie setup. You can already imagine inviting all your friends over for a movie night. Another leads to a seating area to read or eat. Lastly, the main path starting from your patio leads to a lush, vibrant flower bed that livens up the entire backyard.

Skilled was putting it lightly. “I knew he was good with his hands but…”

“You’re ruining this moment.” Jungwoo cuts his eyes at you. 

“Why are you still here? Your services are no longer needed.” You turn to him once you realize. You just needed relief quickly and Johnny has been busy for obvious reasons. You were a little surprised when he suggested that.

“I still can’t believe he doesn’t care. I’m worried, did I fuck around and now I’m waiting for the subsequent finding out the kids are talking about?” Jungwoo turns and looks at you as if he’s figured it all out. That couldn’t be, he seemed so nonchalant about it. Part of you thinks it’s because he knows sex with him is much better. But why would you tell Jungwoo that? 

“Yeah, I think you should go into hiding.” You reply sardonically.

“Oh my god.”

“Hey!” Johnny calls, propping the door open with his side as he lugs out a heavy can of paint. “I wasn’t done yet.” His expression falls to disappointment when he sees Jungwoo. “What’s he still doing here?”

“He fell for your trap, but he found out you were planning to kill him.” You turn toward the house where he had fully emerged and he drops the can with a loud impact. He looked devastatingly handsome, even a dash of paint on his face. “How am I gonna surprise attack him now?” He joins in on the joke instantly.

“I hate you guys.” Jungwoo deadpans when you both laugh. “I’m leaving, enjoy your murderous, talented boyfriend.” He passes a beaming Johnny and enters your house. 

He makes his way over before grabbing both your hands. You raise on the tips of your toes to press a short, tender kiss to his lips. “How much do you usually charge for this sort of thing?”

“It’s on the house since this is my house as well.”

“That’s good to know.” Your cheeks nearly push your eyes close. You find your cheeks are hurting a lot these days. His smile drops for a moment when vulnerability peeks through.

“D’you like it?” He asks softly. Oh Johnny, you think. Never understanding just how much he impacts every aspect of my life.

You purse your lips, but there’s nothing you could do to dull your smile. Standing in your brand new backyard with your boyfriend felt like a proper start to a new chapter. 

“I love it.”

taglist; @baehaechannie @maximumdreamchild @safariria @maliakealoha

[canirove]

Best friends… forever? | Chapter 5

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"You didn't have to come pick me up from training. I could have called a taxi or ask Bernardo to do it."

"I know, but I wanted to do it myself and make sure you made it home safe and sound."

"Thank you bff" Rúben says, kissing Mila’s cheek.

"Anything for you, big head" she replies.

"It isn't that big" he laughs. "But maybe its size is what saved me from having it open in half."

"Do not joke about that."

On Sunday's game he was hit on the head by a rival and had to leave the pitch. Even though it hadn’t been anything serious, the doctors advised him to take it slow and to not drive for a week.

"Oh, Rúben!" someone says as the lift's doors open. "How are you?"

"I'm good, Sasha. Thank you for asking."

Sasha. Jack Grealish's girlfriend. They live in the same building as Mila and Rúben, and for some reason, she doesn't like Mila.

"I think she doesn't like you because Jack is constantly flirting with you" Rúben said when she told him about it.

"He flirts with everyone" Mila replied. "But she shouldn't have to worry. If it was just Jack and I left in the world and the future of the human race depended on us, we would go extinct."

"You are so dramatic" Rúben laughed.

"It is the truth" she shrugged.

"How is that pretty head of yours?" Sasha says while caressing Rúben's cheek. That isn’t the place where he was hit.

"It's fine, it doesn't hurt or anything."

"Good" she says, her hand now moving to his chest. Why does she need to be so touchy with him? "The team needs his best defender.”

"I think John would disagree with that."

"Nonsense" she giggles, her hand still on his chest.

"We should probably get going, you need to rest" Mila says, starting to get annoyed.

"Oh, I hadn't seen you there" Sasha says, giving her a fake smile. "Are you his nurse or something?"

"I actually am, so if you don't mind..." Mila says, the temptation to slap her hand and make her move it from Rúben’s chest being very high. Very, high.

"Yes, of course" she says, finally moving her hand but now placing it on his arm, giving it a little squeeze. "Get well soon, Rúben."

"Thank you, Sasha" he says with a smile, totally unaware of what she is doing.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Come on, spit it.”

“What?” Mila says when they make it to their apartment.

“You are clearly mad about something, so come on, tell me what it is.”

“I am not mad” she chuckles.

“You are pouting. You only do that without noticing when you are sleeping or when you are mad about something” Rúben says.

“I pout when I’m sleeping?”

“You do, yes.” And he has always found it very cute.

“Whatever. I’m not mad, I’m just… slightly pissed.”

“About what?” Rúben says, sitting down on the sofa.

“Is not a what” she says, sitting down next to him. “It’s a who.”

“Oh… Sasha.”

“Exactly” Mila says. “She has a boyfriend. One that is constantly cheating on her and that she isn’t dumping for some odd reason, but he is her boyfriend. And even though I would love to see her giving him some of his own medicine, she should go touch someone else, not you.”

“Jealous?” Rúben asks with a smile.

“Of course not!” Mila says, hitting him on the chest. “See? I can touch you whenever I want.”

“And often as you want” Rúben thinks to himself.

“But you are Jack’s teammate. Imagine that someone sees you, takes some photos and sends them to The Sun or the Daily Mail. Pep has enough dramas on his plate already, he doesn’t need more!”

“Are you worrying about City now? You?” he chuckles.

“I worry about you and your career, and that makes me worry about City too.”

“Despite wanting us to lose all our games.”

“Yes. It is complicated. And it could get even more complicated if Sasha doesn’t keep her hands to herself.”

“You know she only does it to bother you, don’t you?” Rúben says, not being able to help himself and putting a lock of hair behind Mila’s ear, making her… blush? Nah, it can’t be.

“I know why she does it. But maybe next time you could stop her instead of just smiling and being your usual polite self.”

“Next time she touches me, I’ll stop her.”

“Promise?” Mila asks him.

“I promise” Rúben says.

[theflowerofthecommonwealth]

Power Armor Punch Part Fifty Seven

(I swear the Kiss the Girl song from The Little Mermaid has been in my head for three days because of this. The crab with the Caribbean accent won’t leave me alone send help)

Masterlist

Teshteal: What? I didn’t even realize I had feelings for you until now. *frowns, remembering her supposed age* I’m not sure about that age gap but with how the Institute programs gen 3 synths… What age did they program you to be?

Joyce: (Quickly adding in) “I mean I’m four as in how long I’ve been sentient! I’m around my mid twenties if we are talking about programming! I’m not an actual toddler or a kid, just have less normal life experience…”

Gardio: *comes in and heads to Lucille’s room. Doesn’t notice the two laying on the couch*

Donovan: (Went straight to patching up the wall around the farm with the scrap they have stored in the shed)

Teshteal: *lets out a small sigh of relief. He hasn’t changed mentally since he got thawed out other than handling his trauma better. That took up the better part of a century. Survival took up the rest* I wouldn’t take advantage of you like that- jumping to 3rd base I mean. *smiles at her* Right now I’m just happy to be held. *pauses to study her face and eyes*

Gardio: *climbs up* Lucille? Sweetheart, would you be willing to help build up defenses around the lighthou-

Lucille: *already bolting down the stairs with excitement* See you outside!

Gardio: *blinks and looks around the room, noting it’s much warmer than before* She’s been busy up here.

Joyce: (Has soft and delicate features that are untouched and unblemished by the Wasteland. As Donny would call her she’s a sun-kissed blessed angel who’s just as angelic and sweet as one, which is why he rather keep her away from violence until she can properly defend herself) “Sure, I’m fine with that even if it’s platonic.” (Leans in a little more, still having not moved her leg)

Teshteal: *taken aback by her angelic features* I… don’t want it to be. *blushes at the admission. He briefly thinks about pecking her on the lips just to see what would happen but decides against it*

Donovan: (Hauling out planks of steel and his tool kit, cursing when he remembers there is still work to do in the animal pen. Ma is probably taking over his chores in there right now, and she has other things to do herself)

Lucille: *already down there with all the scrap she picked up* What do you need? I can build turrets, walls? Robots?

Donovan: (Perks up at Lucille’s sudden entrance) “Oh, hello there. Haven’t seen you in awhile.” (Rubs his hands together) “Uh, anything right now really. I’m worried those Trappers or mirelurks surrounding us will try to move in…”

Joyce: (Also blushing an adorable pink color, her emerald green eyes looking Teshteals features over closely for the first time as well) “Me neither…” (Shyly shuffles even closer, strengthening her gentle embrace)

Teshteal: *blushing a bit more at the tighter hold. His nose is slightly crooked and his chin and jaw a little angular. He almost looks like a tired rogueish devil. Not one likely to be seen with the likes of the angelic Joyce. Leans in so his face is close to hers. Perhaps he will go in for a kiss*

Lucille: *already constructing a couple of turrets. She sets them down facing the woods when she’s through. She works pretty fast* Looks like I’ll have just enough scrap to build a robot workbench and an Assault Sentry bot with some decent armor and weapons. *to Donovan* You have any cow skulls?

Donovan: (Taken aback at how quickly she can work) “Uh… No we don’t. Our animals do not pass very often…”

Joyce: (Thinks he’s very handsome, both his outwards looks and his  true heart. In fact, she started to catch feelings he minute she realized that he slayed those mutants to keep the little girl safe along with her group. Then his kindness at the brunch table further fueled this followed by his help outside… Maybe she wasn’t kidding earlier when she said she’d kiss him)

Teshteal: *gently cups her cheek and very lightly kisses her, only pausing at the realization of how soft her lips are compared to his slightly damaged rough ones. Almost wants to apologize- it must feel like sand paper to her*

Joyce: (Makes a squeak of both surprise and joy, carefully putting a hand on the back of Teshteals head to bring him in while she closes her eyes. She feels her face flush more and her heart beat faster, butterflies fluttering in her stomach)

Lucille: Hm. *digs through her stash of stuff and finds half of a brahmin skull in her bag* This will do. *sets to work on the robot work station and the robot themselves*

Donovan: “We’ve got an old Mr Handy in the shed who’s been broken down for some time, a mirelurk got a hold on him and none of us could figure out how to repair him…”

Lucille: Oh? If his components are still good I might be able to use them. *managed to get the robot work station up in the corner of the yard. She rushes to the shed and drags the Mr. Handy out*

Donovan: (Watches her do so, then decides to run to check on Ma to fill her in on whats going on)

Teshteal: *eyes widen at her forwardness in keeping him from pulling away. He shuts his eyes and kisses her just a little less softly but still tenderly*

Joyce: (Pulls back after a few seconds into their shared kiss, smiling shyly as she presses her forehead against his then pulls back again to gaze into his eyes)

Teshteal: *a little awestruck. His pupils have turned to saucers* I haven’t kissed anyone like that before… *whispers to himself as he gets lost in her emerald eyes* It’s possible to be tenderly kissed…?

Gardio: *snuck outside. Wanted to leave the two alone* How- *sees Lucille’s already building the new robot* Oh. Please remember to take breaks.

Lucille: *absently* Yes, Dad.

Ma: (Just finished milking the cows and is filling the milk gallons to bring inside)

Donovan: (Opens the barn door and rushes over when he sees this) “Here Mama, allow me.”

Ma: (Chuckles tiredly and smiles at her son) “Oh, what a gentleman…”

Donovan: (Picks up the jugs) “I’ll take it from here, you can head on back inside.”

Joyce: (Giggles cutely at the gremlin, gazing back into his eyes) “It apparently is! Wow, that was lovely….” (Strawberry pink now with all the blushing)

Teshteal: *oblivious to both Ma and Donovan returning to the house. Too distracted by what happened.* Then you won’t mind if I… *cups her cheek again as he goes in for another kiss*

Lucille: *programming the station to build a the new bot out of the Mr. Handy and the scrap it required for it, still once she finishes, she starts building up the walls as the automoton is built*

Joyce: (Hums a sweet note as she runs her fingers through Teshteals hair with the hand she has on the back of his head, putting her other arm around his shoulder)

Donovan: (Came in through the kitchen side door with Ma so he can’t see the two sharing a moment, not that he would interrupt or say anything. He sets down all the milk on the table with a tired huff then leaves to finish the farm chores)

Ma: (Gets to work putting away the fresh milk and setting it so they can extract the cream from it later, planning to check on Jas and Nick when she is done as the blood pack should’ve been long off finished by now. Perhaps Nick had already switched the bags while she was away)

Nick: *managed to do so with much coaxing*

Jasmine: (Not happy about it but she didn’t physically fight her Dad, just complained to him a lot while tugging on his shirt)

Teshteal: *kissing her a little deeper this time with just a bit more passion. He keeps his hand on her cheek with other still wrapped around her but slipped down to her side. His tail lightly drapes over both of their legs, flicking like a cat’s out of excitement*

Joyce: (Closes her eyes again while she caresses Teshteal’s shoulder and neck, thinking that his tail flicking is adorable just like the rest of him. She feels like she’s living in a real life love song right now, it feels so unreal and magical)

Teshteal: *savoring the comfortable pace and the fact they can stop if they feel like it. It’s not like in the vault where he had no control over the situation. He pulls back when he feels like he’s about to go overboard with it. Gently smiles at the angel laying with him. Jokingly but kindly* Why can’t I get enough of you? Is this some kind of sorcery?

Lucille: *smiles at the walls and the couple of extra turrets surrounding the light house* Maybe I should go scrap hunting. Add some turrrets along the walls. Make it impossible for trappers and mirelurks to get in. *grins*

Gardio: Maybe you should take a break? You’ve been working pretty hard, kid.

Lucille: They’re depending on me to bolster their defenses. I can’t stop now.

Gardio: Lucille. You’ll work yourself into the ground you’ve barely rested a day-

Lucille: Resting is what gets people killed out here.

Gardio: Well I’m sure overworking is another. Please take a break. I’m begging you.

Jasmine: (Crying out of frustration like a small child would when they can’t get their way. She understands how immature and babyish she’s being, but she can’t help it. The other way to express herself is to physically fight, and she’s too tired for that so being teary it is)

Ma: (Finishes up with storing the milk and heads off to the med room, getting a glimpse at her daughter on the sofa whom she smiles to herself at. Young love is the sweetest thing, she’s happy for them. She quickly slips into the med room and approaches Nick) “And how are we doing in here?”

Nick: Got down at least 2 blood bags since you left. She’s not too pleased but I’ll take that over anything at the moment.

Ma: (Approaches and kneels down, examining the girl) “Hm, she’s looking much less pale already.” (Takes her wrist so she can examine the IV)

Jasmine: (Whines and tries to pull her arm away)

Ma: (Keeps a grip on the teens arm) “Everything seems to be fine here.” (Looks back up at Jas, wiping the tears off her cheeks) “She’s still crying, has she taken anymore water?”

Nick: Not yet. Might be best to get a refill. *nods at the empty baby bottle*

Ma: “Of course.” (Takes the baby bottle and leaves the room to refill it in the kitchen. She tiptoes her way past the lovebirds and fills the bottle with cool water before quickly returning) “Here you are.”

Jasmine: (Hides her face away in Nicks shirt when Ma returns, whimpering in protest at the baby bottle that keeps being given to her)

Joyce: (Softly giggles, her voice sweet as honey) “I’m not sure, it’s like that song I love, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Vallie.” (Runs her hands through his hair again) “I think we’re living in a fairytale, and to think we had no idea just yesterday…”

Teshteal: Up until you, my life has been a horror novel. *gives her a quick peck on the nose*

Joyce: (Eyes sparkle even more at the kiss as she twirls her fingers through his hair) “Aw. Though it’s sad to say that it’s not an exaggeration, huh?”

Teshteal: *sad chuckle* Not at all. Though, I will be honest, we’ve moved into this whole dating thing pretty fast. I’ve heard it takes a bit sometimes before things like this click. We barely know each other. *smiles despite this admission, stroking her cheek tenderly* Maybe my agility accounts for relationships too? *shrugs with a laugh*

Joyce: (Thinks about it for a moment) “Well, I am not going anywhere far anytime soon, so we have time to get to know each other even if you only visit from time to time.” (Closes her eyes and leans into his touch) “We can take it slow and steady, maybe take a step back if needed until we get to know each other better. Save the dating step for a later time.” (Smiles at him while she opens her eyes once more to gaze at him) “I don’t regret the kiss though….”

Teshteal: I can’t recall. Isn’t the purpose of dating to do that- get to know one another before things get serious? We don’t have to stop that part but we can slow down some if that’s better for us. *kind smile* Nice people are hard to come by these days and I don’t want to ruin this.

Gardio: *following Lucille around the yard as she reinforces the walls*

Lucille: Why are you following me, Dad?

Gardio: Because I’m concerned. Why are you really throwing yourself so heavily into this?

Lucille: It’s the best I can do to actually protect people. I build.

Gardio: And if it fails?

Lucille: I rebuild it but stronger.

Gardio: *sighs. He knows this isn’t why she really does it. She’s coping with something* Please take a break-

Lucille: I can’t! If I do, then people will die!

Gardio: These people can defend themselves- they’re not helpless.

Lucille: *tears up and whirls around to face her dad* Nate could defend himself but he had no one to help him when he needed it most-! *covers her mouth when she realizes what she just said*

Gardio: *softly* That’s what this is about… Come here… *pulls Lucille into a hug*

Lucille: *starts to cry* I couldn’t protect him or Shawn-!

Gardio: Ssh… *rubs her back*

Joyce: (She was trying to give him an easy way out if he wanted to bail without hurting her feelings) “You’re right, it’s hard to come by genuine people nowadays. People who actually have a well placed soul and heart.” (Gently strokes his cheek) “I feel like I already know where your true character is built upon, and that’s in a good place.” (Takes in a deep breath as she draws her hand back) “But… You’re aware that I’m a synth, right? I’m not human or formally human…” (Scoots back slightly) “I won’t be mad if you don’t want to continue for any reason, cross my heart….”

Teshteal: *blinks at her admission of being a Synth* Why would that matter to someone like me, a guy with a tail and horns who hasn’t aged a day? *traces her jaw lightly* You’re still very human to me. More so than I could possibly be. *tail swishes sadly at the thought. Then, he shakes his head and smiles at her as he closes a little bit of the gap she made to kiss her nose again reassuringly* I want to continue this. Do you, Joyce? *looking longingly into her eyes with golden cat like ones, his pupils dilated to show the affection he’s feeling for her*

Joyce: (Puts her hand on the back of his head again. Despite having pulled back she never removed her leg from being over his) “Yes. I do want to try this new relationship with you.” (Smiles as she gazes right back at the little gremlin man, rubbing his arm. She means it when she says that she sees the kindness in his heart)

Teshteal: *blushes at the tender physical gesture. He finds himself pressing his body just a little closer to hers as he leans in for another kiss. His heart races as one hand clasps her shoulder and the other her cheek*

Joyce: (Giggles again and goes in for the kiss too, carefully running her fingers through his messy hair while avoiding his horns as her soft pink lips meet his. She doesn’t mind that his lips are tougher than hers, it’s not noticeable when she feels this giddy and fluttery)

Ma: (Leaves the med room after giving Nick the baby bottle, heading to the laundry room to pick up the clothes she is currently mending. She passes by the two on the sofa again, striding right by without giving much of a glance. Although it does remind her that she needs to take Teshteals measurements so she can start working on a new detectives coat for him)

Donovan: (Enters the kitchen and places the newly collected basket of eggs onto the kitchen counter, heaving a heavy tired sigh as she rinses off his hands and gets himself some ice cold water)

Teshteal: *kisses very passionately this time. He tries to hold himself back from kissing her too hard. Keeps telling himself to not move too fast or get too intimate in the way he kisses her. The hand on her shoulder slips down to press just in the shoulder area above her chest*

Donovan: (Quickly leaves the house again as he needs to clean out the barn and coops while the animals are let out for the day)

Joyce: (Puts her other arm around his shoulder, ruffling his hair again. Never once did she ever feel this way about a guy, never did she feel so secure and content with their relationship. She feels like she’s known Teshteal for much longer than she actually has, there’s this strong and unique bond between them that’s hard to replicate. Maybe it’s because they both shared similar situations in the past, being under the hand of someone else)

Teshteal: *pulls back when he feels like he’s losing control* I feel like I’m going mad. *brief kiss* In a good way. In a good but terrifying way. *another brief kiss* I want to kiss you so hard it might actually hurt you. *and another* I care about you too much.

Gardio: *led Lucille in to the kitchen to get some water*

Nick: *managed to get Jas to take the bottle*

Jasmine: (Slowly drinking the bottle after a few mewls of protest, now fighting against the sleepiness that’s taking over. But she can’t sleep, she doesn’t want to)

Ma: (Working on mending everyone’s clothes, starting with the biggest rips and tears in the each of the different fabrics. She works diligently so the patches and mends are hard to see, making the garments like new again)

Joyce: (Chuckles softly after every kiss) “It’s very hard to care about someone too much, unless you cross the border of being controlling or obsessive.” (Nuzzles her forehead against Teshteal’s while pecking his lips and cheeks then rests her head under his chin on his shoulder, tracing slow patterns on his back with her palms) “I think you are doing just lovely.”

Teshteal: *wraps his arm around her back tightly with a loving but regretful sigh* That’s not what I meant… I care for you too much to hurt you that way. *burries his face in her hair, taking in the various scents trapped in it. He wants to lay here forever with her* The vault tried so hard to break our ability to bond with others. They’d have us kill each other if we had an inkling of trust… it only made me bond quicker and subtly to the others- so much so they never noticed.

Nick: Ssh… *rubs his daughter’s stomach and hums the lullaby. He watches the blood bag. About a third down already*

Jasmine: (Absolutely melts in her fathers arms at the gentle rubs and the familiar lullaby, losing to the fight against sleep. She still puts a good effort though, drinking more water from the bottle as she blinks rapidly)

Nick: *smiles down at his daughter as he hums the lullaby*

Jasmine: (Clings onto her Dad tighter, starting to nod off as she breathes in sync with the soothing motion of her stomach being rubbed)

Joyce: (Smells like a mixture of honey, vanilla, hazelnut, and coconut. Her eyes widen and she lets out a small gasp when she hears more of what what on in that vault) “Again, that’s horrible and inhumane… I can’t imagine going through that. Killing your own friends.” (Traces his jawline with one hand while peppering some kisses there) “You’re safe here with us. No one will make you hurt me if you show some affection. Though, I understand if you still hear voices in your head telling you otherwise.”

Teshteal: *tears up thinking of all the times he had to go through that* I tried to make it quick and painless. *nuzzles her hair* I quickly found out I couldn’t apologize. *sniffs* I can still see their faces…

Joyce: (Holds the poor tortured gremlin closer so there’s so space between them while he reminisces those horrible times, her leg slung around his pulling him in as well) “I’m so sorry, it sounds like you did what you could for them in their final moments.” (Gently massages his shoulders and collarbone to comfort him) “I don’t think you had much of a choice, but you still tried…”

Teshteal: *sniffs* I try not to kill people unless they truly deserve it… *nuzzles her hair again then chokes on a sob* I used to kill every time I got the chance- the voices- *remembers crying as he went on killing sprees. It was like something was controlling him* I didn’t mean it-! *crying into her hair, now*

Joyce: “Hey now, shh…” (Looks up at him and presses her forehead against his, wiping his tears away with her handkerchief that was in her breast pocket. Ma was right, it is a good idea to keep one of these handy at all times) “I believe you, you don’t have to explain yourself any further…” (Peppers a few kisses on his cheek and lips while she rubs his shoulder blades)

Teshteal: *quiets down when she kisses his lips again. He wonders why she’s so kind to such a monster. Even if she’s a synth, by comparison, he looks like terrifying creature that might eat your soul if you look at him the wrong way…*

Donovan: (Cleaned out the animal living spaces and has left the pasture, securing the gate behind him. He sighs and rubs his brow, exhausted but he still has some things to take care off)

Pirate: (Trots up to his side, barking enthusiastically)

Donovan: (Pats her head) “Hey girl, you being good for our guests?”

Pirate: (Barks again, spinning in circles while pawing at him)

Donovan: (Chuckles at his pooch as he heads off to the chopping block at the side of the house to start splitting some firewood so he can store it for later. He picks up an axe and gets to work right away, keeping an ear out for any intruders who may come poking back)

Dogmeat: *just been hanging around wherever. Sometimes playing with Pirate. Sometimes going a little overboard with it too. Maybe doing other things. Like sniffing everything in sight*

The robot work station: *finished the Mr. Handy. Lucille set it to automatically activate regardless of it having a name or not*

Lucille: *up in her room, laying down again cause she’ll never hear the end of it from her dad*

Jasmine: (Lost the battle against sleep and is now snuggled up cutely against her Dad, slumbering like a sweet innocent little baby who totally didn’t cuss out a grown man earlier or screamed at the top of her lungs over an IV getting placed into her arm. Nope, no feral kitten here, just a little girl who’s dreaming of white swirls while being lulled with one of her favorite lullabies and the gentle motion of her stomach being rubbed)

Nick: *keeps humming as he watches the blood bag get closer to the bottom* he’ll have to put on another*

Jasmine: (Sniffles and coos adorably while she dreams of floating and dancing shapes in soft hues)

Joyce: (Gazes up at Teshteal with angelic eyes, planting another kiss on his lips while she gently caresses his cheek with a soft, delicate hand when she sees that almost distant look of deep thought glaze in his eyes)

Teshteal: *glances down at her, his pupils only dilating ever so slightly. He wants to distract himself. He needs to distract himself. This is why he chatters so much- the voices. He cups her cheek. Softly, apologetically* Sorry for how madly I’m about to kiss you… *He suddenly presses his hand to the back of her head and kisses her almost ravenously just to shut up his thoughts*

Joyce: (Chuckles a little as he does this, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and closing her eyes while she leans into the kiss. For a brief moment the thought comes over her on how they’ll make this work with her living in Far Harbor and Teshteal presumably in the Commonwealth, but she puts a pin in that thought for later and just focuses on the moment)

Teshteal: *surprised she wasn’t startled by the sudden shift how intensely he kisses her. Some of the voices still scream from the back of his mind that this is wrong- that no one he’s met that isn’t from the vault or a person he cared about before the war should like him let alone be attracted to him. He tries to silence that thought by kissing her deeper and attempting to slip his pointed tongue, another mutation one wouldn’t notice beyond his shark like teeth, into her mouth*

Joyce: (A little surprised at his pointed tongue but she doesn’t react all that much as she parts her lips and mouth slightly. Shes not too startled at the intensity of the kiss as he did warn her, and he’s been staring at her like she’s the most ravishing and treasured thing on this Island. One of her hands goes back to carefully ruffling Teshteal’s hair with her fingers while being mindful of his horns)

The assaultron sentry bot: *patrolling the yard. Mr. Handy Voice* What’s all this, then…? *confused at his new body. It isn’t up to General Automics guidelines for his model but it works non the less. He goes back to the back where the animals are*

Pirate: (Whines curiously and trots on up to the bot, sniffing him over with small inquisitive barks)

Donovan: (Stops his work of splitting logs and turns around, setting down his axe and blinking in partial shock when he also sees the bot a few yards away by the animal pen)

Teshteal: *tongue is surprisingly long. The pointed tip splits into a fork as he explores her mouth, eventually swirling and rubbing around her own tongue. He’s not stopping for breath any time soon*

Joyce: (The last guy she French kissed she ended up pulling away from with tears on her face, and when he tried to pull her back Donny cocked him in the head so hard that he started bleeding. Back then she was tense, a little terrified due to past experiences, and so confused on her true feelings. She didn’t understand what was happening until it was taken too far and she was frozen in fear. But right now she’s comfortable and relaxed as she rubs Teshteals neck and shoulders, her heart skipping with joy and the butterflies in her stomach fluttering)

Teshteal: *being extremely careful where he puts his hands despite his very intimate and rough kissing. He keeps them gripping her shoulders, her sides and occasionally and wildly her hair. He does this for quite a few more long moments before finally pulling back- more for her sake*

The bot: *senses the dog and turns his torso* Hello there, pup! Have you seen the owners of this fine property? *turns his chasis around to fully face the dog, not taking an aggressive stance at all since she’s not aggressive herself*

Donovan: (Damn. He’s getting too old for this. He can only stand there and stare while Pirate spins and barks with curiosity)

Pirate: (So pumped and hyped at the new bot. She turns around and barks at Donny as if to say, “You seeing this too?!?” While wagging her tail like crazy)

The bot: *looks up in the direction the pup is* Oh, are you the master of the house?

Donovan: (Finally strolls up to the bot, dusting off his hands and shirt) “Uh, yeah. Half of it at least. My mother works just as hard to keep this place up too, and care for the people in it.”

Ma: (Selecting some fabric for Teshteal’s new coat up above the laundry room where she keeps spare cloth and all her spare clothes that have been washed and mended. She picks up a sturdy black roll that looks like it would hold and starts cutting up enough so she can take it up to her room and have it ready for when she takes his measurements)

Joyce: (Smiles up at Teshteal when he pulls back, flashing her perfectly aligned white teeth as she twirls her fingers through his hair then brings them down to his face) “Does this make you my boyfriend now?” (Gently strokes his cheek, her emerald green eyes staring up at him adoringly)

Teshteal: *absolutely floored at that look. He blushes and stammers like he didn’t just kiss her almost to the point of breathlessness* I- what-? Maybe- *takes a moment to collect himself but that stutter remains for a moment* Dates s-sometimes have these moments- I thought- *pauses* At least that’s what I’ve heard- *shakes his head* I know we’re moving kind of fast- *so flustered by her he doesn’t even know what to say. He doesn’t want Ma or Donny getting the wrong idea if they suddenly start going steady after less than a day. After a moment of thought and recovering from how love struck she made him just a second ago* Your caretakers might have something to say about us suddenly being partners.

The bot: I see! Well, I am pleased to meet you. Thank you for purchasi- *realizes that might not be the right statement considering his… modifications* Thank you for allowing me to assist you with your household needs. Only the finest service provided by the ingenius engineering of General Automics! *raises his saw arm to gesture slightly for emphasis*

Donovan: (Nods at the bot while giving him a slight wave, still taken aback by him. He silently wonders how Lucille managed to scrap him together in such a short amount of time)

Joyce: (Giggles because Teshteal is so cute when he’s flustered and redder than a can of tomato’s) “Sorry, that statement is apparently making your brain work overtime, hm?” (Fixes his wild hair so it’s more laid flat and not sticking up in different directions) “Don’t worry about Donny and Mama, they’re protective but they won’t intrude or give you the stink eye from across the room.” (Taps his lips with two of her fingers) “Besides, after a kiss like that what do you propose we are?”

Teshteal: I’m not opposed to it… but we met only less than a day- *pauses. He hasn’t noticed he isn’t wincing at it around her* Then again. There are the occasional times when people kind of just click immediately. *finally caves* I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend, angel. *tenderly strokes her jaw lifting it gently with a rough but careful set of fingers* So long as you’re happy and okay with it. That goes for everything. I won’t ever do something with you if you don’t like it or want it, okay?

Joyce: (Glows brightly at the term of endearment, radiating sunlight itself) “Heh, Mama calls me her little angel too, and for several good reasons.” (Gestures to her soft angelic complexion to name one of them) “And don’t you worry, if I don’t want or like something you’re doing I have no problem with saying “no” or “stop” anymore.” (Leans in close again) “And we can still take this as slow as we want… Even if we are going kinda fast.” (Crinkles her nose at how little sense that makes)

Teshteal: *smiles at her cute crinkling nose* You’re so cute. Good thing I’m not a cannibal, I’d eat you right up. *playfully taps her nose. He starts kind of assessing their situation on the couch and blushes* Oh- I hadn’t realized we were laying like that- *shifts a little but finds that presses himself closer unwillingly. He turns a bright shade of red and resigns to pressing his eyes against her shoulder in shame* I’m sorry-

The bot: Is something the matter, Sir? You haven’t said a word for some time.

Donovan: (Shakes out his head) “Hm? Oh, apologies. I have a million things on my mind at the moment, a potential attack from Trappers being one of them.” (Rubs his hands together, looking the lawn over)

Ma: (Started ironing Nick’s and Gardio’s freshly washed and patched coats, trousers, and dress shirts. She plans on having everyone come up to the loft to pick out new clothes that they can wear as they seemed to not have brought many themselves. If she doesn’t have anything that fits them or their style, she can just whip them up something suitable later as what she’s doing for Teshteal)

Joyce: (Can’t help but laugh again at how bashful and flustered Teshteal is about their situation. She plants a kiss on the top of his head while rubbing the back of his neck) “Don’t be. I’m the one who brought us here and laid us down, remember? I’m the one who’s been holding you in place with my leg and arms this whole time while you calmed down, and I’ll do it all over again if I have to.” (Smiles assuredly down at him)

Teshteal: It does- it has- *stumbling over his words* It makes me think of things- It’s too early for that- *flustered mess at the implications*

The bot: Ah, I see. I can assist with defending the residence if you so desire, sir. After all… *lifts his arms as a gesture at his weapons* It seems that was what I was built for.

Donovan: “It seems if you have. That would be a big help, thank you.” (Gestures at the perimeter of the farm) “There are two gates that are the only entry and exit ways with guard posts stationed at each one that house turrets. As of now, our main concern are the mirelurks that have washed up nearby during the storm and the Trappers that are camped out at the nearby quarry. I already gave ‘em a warning that we’ll shoot on sight if they ever come snooping around here again.” (Points behind the lighthouse where the docks for the boats are) “We get guests that stop by from time to time for trade and stuff, make sure to welcome them. But if you see a big black ship pull up alert everyone please, especially Joyce, then Mama and I.”

The bot: Will do, sir! *Turns and starts patrolling the premises*

Donovan: (Watches the bot leave on patrol, then gets to work finishing splitting the logs and bundling them up for storage on the log racks by the shed)

Joyce: (Laughs harder, covering her mouth with one hand while she tries to stop as to not embarrass Teshteal any further, but it’s proving to be harder than expected. She watched this guy slaughter mutants by the droves with not much weaponry or backup and turn the bottling plant into a bloodbath, now he’s blushing like crazy and hiding away from her, a sweet young lady. The drastic contrast is cracking her up) “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty physically affectionate so it’s not really a surprise to anyone that I’m all cuddly with ya…”

Teshteal: I- it’s more than cuddles my mind’s racing to- *quickly apologizes to her again* I’m sorry-

Joyce: (Gains control of her laughter, glancing down at her gremlin boyfriend) “Hey, you ain’t the first to jump to that with me, at least you’re fairly polite about it. Also extremely adorable.” (Pats and rubs his shoulders to further assure him, deciding to give him another escape rout) “We can get up now if it’s too much of a problem.” (Slowly starts to remove her leg from around his to rise from the sofa)

Teshteal: *So embarrassed. He starts trying to get up but in his flustered state his hand lands on the side of her chest instead of the couch. He immediately removes it and falls back on top of her. Panics and starts apologizing for touching a boob*

Joyce: (Raises an eyebrow with a smirk, immediately seeing that it was a complete accident judging by his reaction and not a horrible way to send a signal so she starts laughing again while trying to speak between breaths) “Pffft! Hey- don’t sweat it! It was an accident, I’m sure!” (Puts her arms around his waist and buries her face in his shoulder as she giggles like an immature high schooler at the situation, so glad that everyone else is off doing their own thing)

Teshteal: *blushes deeper at how close to each other again, if not even closer than before. He’s getting mixed signals on what her intentions are* Is… is this for comfort or… *swallows hard, afraid she’ll take this the wrong way* Is getting more… intimate something you want-? *not used to reading this kind of situation. In the vault, if a guard wanted to have their way with him, they’d simply do it regardless of how he felt. He’s glad that’s not the case with her but he needs direction on where this couch situation is going*

Gardio: *goes outside to help Donny after cleaning their bathroom* Need any help out here?

Donovan: (Looks up from his work) “We could use some help on cleaning any sea gunk that blew in from the storm. Getting it out of the animal pen was a priority but we still have some scattered about and the smell is horrid at times. Its not a pleasant job, so I understand if you rather split wood or help Ma inside while you leave it to me.”

Gardio: *rolls up his sleaves and smiles at Donovan* You got it. *starts gathering a bunch of the debris that blew in, especially the really large stuff*

Donovan: (Smiles back, grateful he’s getting help because he’s bone tired and there’s still other things to do later on)

Joyce: (Lifts her head and stares up at Teshteal, still smirking at him. She points to the med room nearby) “There is a child in there with her father, you know. And judging by the fact that she is no longer screaming or crying, she is most likely sleeping.” (Rubs his back as she takes a deep breath to calm herself after that fit of laughter) “I’ll be honest with myself, I’m probably the one here who is making us go fast with this whole thing. I think it would be wise to keep it slowish until we get a better understanding of each other as again, we just met yesterday evening, although its common for people to start with this step after briefly meeting for the first time. But what is it that you want, Teshteal…?” (Goes back to gazing at him with her emerald green eyes that have both sweetness and concern on how he’s taking things. Is she going too fast? He’s the one with trauma, she should adjust to his speed as she is willing to dive in right away. Perhaps she should consult her mother first before doing anything, she has made the mistake of mixing up her own feelings and wants in the past)

Teshteal: *hides his face in her neck as he mutters yet another apology for forgetting where they are. Decides to answer her question* I don’t know. I don’t actually know how most of this is supposed to work anymore. All I know is that I don’t want to ruin this. *trembles a little in fear* I’m scared I’ll mess this up.

Joyce: (Pets his hair with one hand while the other holds him tighter when she feels him trembling) “You’re not ruining anything at all… And I’m honestly not too sure how this goes either. I’m used to guys jumping at me with intent to go straight into the lovey stuff before even hearing my name.” (Sighs heavy when she remembers what happened to her after escaping the Institute) “I’m used to being pressured into giving in, luckily nothing horrible has happened to me…” (Kisses his head again, thinking it over) “We can just keep cuddling. There’s no rush.”

@lucilleandherrobots

[keithydove]

Well first, I know you already said it but are you guys fr okay? I know things are a bit hard to process rn. I also wish khai a healthy healing journey. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t blame them for anything that had happened. Doesn’t matter if they have done “bad” stuff in the past, no child deserves what they’re going through right now. Secondly, So even then, Mel still is actively making people write her own community posts/responses for her? Is it so hard to address stuff omg 😭

thirdly, thank you for exposing Mel as someone who literally cannot defend themself and sucks at simple communication,comprehension and literacy. Her storyline is all over the place and she never actually writes stuff on an actual doc or something so she can figure out the exact storyline. It is pretty laughable at how bad she is at addressing anything,even if small. Which is why I’m 100% sure that she canceled working on the video. Not because it’s stressing her, but because she literally CANNOT defend herself.(even though she denies that’s the reason lol)

but anyways, glad you both are safe and be prepared for her fanbase to probably spam your ask box

AHAHA yeahhh lol trust me i can handle it- one day they’ll realize how shitty she is like I did n stop bouncin on her wood sooner or later. Not to mention I have enough evidence to shoot em down ;))

Yes yes me n Khai are fine, they’ve actually been a lot happier since they cut off Mel and we’ve just been taking it easy.

Also, Mel stopped working on the video cuz the “crucial stuff” she was missing was Khai defending her ://// she intended for Khai to speak in the video too if I remember correctly n she even offered me to speak as well considering I’ve had a fair share of being brought up (hai I’m the person who self shipped with pastel if u were wondering) and, like you said, she doesn’t want to work on it anymore because nothing is in her favor. She’s a bad person. Point blank period. You can’t convince me she isn’t <3

[choicesmc]

QUESTIONAIRE ANSWERS

Does your character use any microlabels? Which ones? What do their labels mean to them? Not really, she hasn't had the energy to really dig deeper into her relationship with romance yet. What she does know, however, is that she's okay with romantic actions as long as she is well-assured that they don't have romantic feelings behind them. Even then, she doesn't accept romance-coded gestures unless it's from extremely close friends.

How do they feel about romance in general? Rin doesn't mind other people's romances but she doesn't find joy in it either. Romance stories/movies are a general no go. They bore her very quickly.

Title: Maddison & Rin MC: Rin Day Book: The Senior Word Count: 368 Summary: A drabble briefly exploring Maddison and Rin's relationship. Taglist: @choicespride

Rin tapped her foot outside Kappa Phi Sigma. She shot an irritated glare to the horde of sorority women strolling past her. She knew she looked out of place –a good head or two taller than the rest of them, dolled in purples and blacks, and a binder under her fishnet shirt. 

Luckily, it didn’t take long before who she’d been really waiting for: Madison. Bending down to let Maddison kiss her cheek, Maddison beamed from ear to ear, “I’m so glad you could make it! I thought you wouldn’t want to go!” 

Truth? Rin didn’t really want to go. Mixers weren’t her cup of tea and she wasn’t even sure she needed the connections. Even now that she was a junior, her future outside of college still seemed blurry at best. 

Offering a small grin, Rin replied, “You’ve been talkin’ bout this since forever. Couldn’t miss it.” 

“Still,” Maddison patted Rin’s shoulder, keeping stride with Rin, “I’m really glad you came.” 

Rin rolled her eyes, thumbing her mixer ticket between her fingers. It was poor replacement for a cigarette but it was good enough. Good enough to not be rude at a mixer, at least, “I ain’t Becca, Maddie. She still givin’ you a hard time?” 

“She’s trying!” Maddison defended, fingers playing with the bottom of her floral pink gown, “And she really has come a long way!” 

Rin shrugged, hands held in mock surrender, “I dunno. I’ve only met her a few times and that was enough for me to keep away. Cain’t believe you put up with worse for years.” 

Maddison pouted, sliding up to Rin, “Can we not talk about her, right now? ” 

Rin laughed, “Sure, what’d you like to talk about?” 

“Well,” Maddison started, already animated, “Kappa was thinking of establishing some community gardens around the city!”

“Tell me more,” Rin said, genuinely interested, quieting as Maddison continued. These were moments she enjoyed. If someone, even herself, had told her that this pretty-pink princess would become Rin’s greatest source of strength at the beginning of this whole mess called college, Rin’d have pissed herself laughing. 

But now, she patted Maddison’s head. “Call me up whenever,” Rin said, “I’d be more’n glad to help.”