#it would be dumb for a character to still be like ‘oh my self-defense skills are a solid zero’

[the--last-great-american-dynasty]

i know we talk about will revealing his gun ability in the context of byler and it being a big thing (which i really do love), but realistically, every single main member should have a weapon skill during season five.

this is the first time they’re expecting the attack. at the end of every other season, they thought that they had won and finished everything. but not season four. and for season five, they know it’s coming. and there’s going to be a year and half time skip. they have to be preparing for the battle. and they have to ready to be attacked at anytime.

they aren’t stupid, nor are they clueless anymore. even if they are going to school and trying to live ‘normally’, they’re still aware of what’s coming. they know that the ones with already defined weapons skills aren’t always going to be there to protect them.

everyone should have a weapon they can use well. whether it be a gun or a bat or a spear, everyone should have something they can use with enough skill to defend themselves, because they could be dead otherwise.

[vivithefolle]

Hi Vivi, can you share some thoughts on the "Hermione deserves to be/should have married to XYZ because she is way too good for Ron" mentality of this fandom??

I’m gonna copy-paste a Quora answer of mine, because recycling is important!

Claiming that Ron is “out of Hermione’s league” is a statement rooted in sexism, classism and probably a bunch of other -isms.

It might seem like I’m just throwing buzz-words around but let me explain.

First off, the sexism.

Oh, the sexism.

As I’ve pointed it out in yet another one of my answers  (I’m so sorry for drowning you all in a plethora of links), Ron is very much a female-coded male character.

Ron is emotional, wears his heart on his sleeve, has anxieties and inadequacies, walks off in order to cool down, has a temper, puts other people before his needs, and pretty much adopts Harry when he rescues him in the second book. He’s the Heart of the Trio: he doesn’t rely on sole logic, he can believe something without proof, he is sensitive and thus is the easiest to hurt emotionally.

Whether you call it a “beta male”, a “wuss”, “defying gender roles” or a “soft boy” is your own business, but the core of it is that Ron doesn’t meet the standards for people’s vision of a “desirable” masculine figure.

The little things Ron quietly performs in the books - when he helps Harry into his pyjamas in Chamber of Secrets because Harry’s arm is bloop; when he’s worrying about Hermione’s whereabouts in Prisoner of Azkaban; when he helps Harry unwind after his visions in Goblet of Fire; when he puts food onto Harry’s plate and wakes him up from his nightmares in Order of the Phoenix; when he beams that Hermione was “perfect, obviously” when she passes her Apparition test - all those caring gestures don’t seem like much, but if you bother to think about it, they paint an enormous picture.

Who gets Hermione to stop overworking while making her feel good about her accomplishments? Who comforts Harry from his nightmares and cares for him in the dead of the night, when nobody is awake? Who makes sure his friends are healthy and happy? Who wards off the dark and depressing thoughts, be it with his fists or a joke?

It’s Ron.

When you think about it, “traditional masculinity” in Harry Potter is as much frowned upon as “traditional feminity” is - which sometimes bites Rowling in the butt when you remember how she obviously seems to consider that Hermione and Ginny are the only desirable kind of girls.

Vernon Dursley? The entrepreneur “king of the household” prejudiced suburbian middle-class Dad? Fits in the usual tropes of traditional masculinity.

Dudley Dursley? The typical “boys will be boys” spoiled middle-class only child who’s the apple of his parents’ eyes and even takes up boxing, as if he wasn’t traditionally masculine enough.

Draco Malfoy? See Dudley, but toss in “upper-class posh aristocrat bully who doesn’t like to get his hands dirty so he has henchmen do it for him because he’s too rich for this sh-t”, would remind you of a few Christian Greys or Gatsbys.

Dolores Umbridge? Oh no, cat pictures, decorative plates, talks to teens as if they’re babies and PINK, SO MUCH PINK!!! So disgustingly feminine!!

Rowling very much frowns upon traditional gender roles - with Molly Weasley being an exception because Rowling feels very strongly about being a mother, and relates to Molly a lot.

Right - so, being a beautiful mess of paradoxes and contradictions (a “soft boi” who also punches bullies in the face, a fussy mother-hen who swears like a sailor, a tall athlete with badass scars on his arms who’s nurturing and sweet; in short, a wonderfully human character), Ron is obviously going to be a polarizing character. You painfully relate to him and get defensive when he’s criticized, you feel his characterization hits a bit too close to home so you hate him, or you disregard him completely because you can’t see anything “special” about him…

Now, onto another very, very sexist point that is often made.

People say that Hermione “deserves better” than Ron, often claiming that they “aren’t intellectual equals”, then citing Harry (who is mistaken as being some sort of slumbering genius but honestly, the kid is really a bit daft) or Draco (since apparently, being rich must equal to being intelligent) or, god forbid, Snape (because he’s a teacher and teachers are meant to be clever).

Soooo, I could go the loooooong way and pull out all the receipts that prove that none of these characters are perfectly intellectually matched to Hermione…

Or I could go the long way and simply give you this: this obsession with finding an “intellectual equal” for Hermione reflects the mentality of “women are not allowed to be better at something than their husband”.

Yep.

A woman has to be all-around pretty good at everything, whereas a man has to be the absolute best in his area of greatest competence (surely better than any puny female!) with a help-meet there to compensate for his weaknesses. People are very, very uncomfortable when Ron and Hermione reverse this dynamic. Hermione is extremely intelligent and dedicated to intellectual pursuits, but is complete pants at things like self-care and people skills. Ron is bright enough to keep up with her and strong in her areas of weakness.

Even if Ron was as dumb as a sack of rocks (he’s not), his other virtues are more than enough to “justify” Hermione loving him. (Because she needs an excuse?) But no. A woman has to be with a man who outdoes her in her area of greatest strength. - credit to @lytefoot

People don’t want Hermione to be with a man who’s her “equal.” They want her to be with a man who can be The Man so she can know the contentment of being The Woman.

But, with this sexist line of thought, how do we justify how Ron is supposed to be such a bad match for Hermione? Because if it was just about mere sexism, Romione would surely be more popular. Imagine! Ron happily raising the children, being a house-husband and proud of it, while Hermione is out there fighting for justice in the wizarding world! What a power-couple, defying norms and gender roles and not being the least bit conscious of it, prime OTP material for sure! So why do people still want Hermione to put Harry, Draco, or god forbid², Snape in Ron’s place? Is this an irrational hatred of redheads? An Harmionian’s delirious wet dream? A failure to separate the actors from their characters?

It’s all this and, quite frankly, something more: the inherent classism that comes with Ron’s status as an explicitly working-class coded character.

I know, I know, “Vivian! Calm down with the buzzwords, you’re starting to sound like an online pretend-feminist magazine!”

Or “Come on, people who don’t ship Ron and Hermione together aren’t all sexist or classist!”

Of course, of course! I know that! I’m not implying that!

But some of the “reasons” why they claim that Ron and Hermione can’t work - are extremely classist in nature, that’s just it!

Come on, think about it! What are the Number Ones arguments people always pull against Ron? Or the most common Ron-bashing tropes (look at fanfics and watch the number of stories that use at least one of those)?

Ron is stupid/mediocre

Ron is lazy/useless

Ron resents his wife’s hard work/success

Ron is a homophobe

Ron is a drunkard

Ron (the big prude who at 16 had never kissed a girl and sees a first kiss as the prelude to a wedding) is massively oversexed and cheats on Hermione with anything that moves

Not only do these “reasons” completely ignore ALL OF RON’S CHARACTERIZATION - except for the “lazy” bit but come off it, all teenagers are lazy and Hermione’s the exception to the rule - but it matches perfectly with the negative stereotypes associated with working-class white men in fiction.

It’s also very funny to note how many (assumedly middle-class or financially secure) fans look down on Ron for being “whiny” or “greedy” when he expresses the desire to have money of his own, or blame his parents for “not knowing when to stop” or “being irresponsible”, or even look down on them for being “too proud to accept help”!! Also how shocked people are when Ron dares to stand up for himself when Hermione or Harry act badly towards him. How dare this country boy not listen to the wisdom of his social “betters”?

So, obviously, because our Heroine can’t go with a Nasty, Mediocre Working-Class Man, she must be paired off with someone of Proper Status: say, a Hero that was raised in a middle-class home and might be a bit psychologically damaged but it’s nothing all those gold coins in his vault can’t fix; or this Rich Posh Aristocrat who actively rooted for her death, he’s a little bit eccentric and has some exotic pet-names to call you, but I’m sure you’ll learn to love him and will unearth the gold coins in his bank account… I mean, the heart of gold that lies within the surface; oh, why not a Way Too Big An Age Difference Teacher if you’re looking for a “cultured man” who has zero things in common with you; we can also bring Convenient Plot Device Famous Rich Foreign Athlete if you want some diversity and you don’t feel original!

But we can’t - oh, we mustn’t let her be with this Terrible Working-Class Boy! His brothers are fine, they have money, they have jobs, so they’re obviously Not As Mediocre. But let our precious Hermione be with this Just-Got-Out-Of-School hooligan? She can’t possibly be in love with him! You’ll see darling, you’ll get bored eventually! He’s too mediocre for you, you deserve a man who outclasses you - I mean, who can provide for you! You’re a fragile little flower who scars people for life when she’s not happy with them, what makes you think that this boy can possibly handle you even though he’s done so for the past seven years?

You wanted it, you got it.

People are shallow, have misconceptions about Ron’s character that they are unwilling to correct or use classist and sexist arguments to try to make it so that either Ron is the Devil himself / Hermione is a higher kind of being that can only orgasm if sufficiently “intellectually stimulated” / what-have-you.

[princess-of-the-corner]

I think one of the reasons that I don’t care for the Marinette vs. Lila plot, as much as I like writing fics where Lila get called the fuck out, is that it’s… the least interesting.

Out of the Main Five of Team Miraculous, Lila being a narrative foil to any of the others is so much more interesting!

Like sure. Marinette vs. Lila is the basic good vs. evil. The protagonist vs. one of the many antagonists. Not to mention the love rivalry over Adrien. But like…. on top of all that, Marinette’s narrative foil should honestly be Gabriel. And that’s a post in itself so I won’t go into it here.

But look at the opportunities the rest of the Team would have!!!

Lila vs. Adrien:

While I argue that Adrien’s true narrative foil should be Nathalie, just like Marinette has Gabriel, Adrien vs. Lila would be interesting.

Both seem to have mildly similar parental backgrounds, from what we’ve seen. Lila’s dad is out of the picture for some unknown reason, and Adrien’s mom is missing.

While Gabriel does seem to be worse than Mrs. Rossi from the little screentime we’ve seen, both parents are very busy with work and ignore their children.

Both also have to uphold reputations too. While Adrien is ‘the face of the brand’ and more in the public eye, anything Lila does reflects on her mother and therefore Italy itself.

Adrien deals with this by believing the best in people, believing he can help them, and being genuinely nice to others.

Lila deals with it by becoming cynical, thinking everyone has an agenda and that niceness is just politics. Be nice or mean to get what she wants.

Seeing the two of them have a rivalry would be more interesting because we can see what both could have become. And how easily they can become each other even now.

We can see Adrien trying to get Lila to be a better person and learn that people will genuinely love her without lying and faking. That while some people just have agendas, that others are sincere.

Meanwhile, Lila could be trying to get Adrien to be like her. He has the actual money and power to get whatever he wants. It would be easy for him to manipulate anyone into anything.

You can even have it working on both sides! Adrien convinces Lila that some people are genuinely nice, and she tries to refrain from lying to them. Eventually either getting a redemption arc or tossing it out the window.

On the flip side, Lila can show Adrien how her lies can get Gabriel and Nathalie to listen to him more. And he can even go darkside for a short time by getting frustrated with unrequited love and using the tactics on Ladybug, but eventually realizes how shitty that is and stops while apologizing.

Again, the back and forth would’ve been interesting.

Lila vs. Alya:

This one!!! Rena Rouge vs. Volpina! Fox vs. Fox! Truth vs. Lies!!

Seriously! Why set up Lila as a lying fake fox and Alya as a journalist searching for the truth if you’re not going to have them get into a fight?

Especially because while Marinette’s foil is Gabriel and Adrien’s is Nathalie, both Alya and Lila are the 'third team member’ to both sides.

I already went over this before, but I think of it would’ve been great if Lila’s lies were outed, but everyone believes her lies were just “new kid trying to make friends quick” lies.

Alya, pissed that she was tricked and resolving to not get tricked again, continues to be suspicious of Lila. Eventually she realizes that Lila is a full-on manipulator, only pretending to have repented to get close to people like Adrien and Marinette.

Alya trying to find the Truth while Lila makes more Lies could make a good back and forth battle.

Especially as Alya would be simultaneously struggling with the idea of exposing the truth due to realizing how the truth can hurt. In the beginning she wanted to find the story and dig up any secrets like the identities of the Heroes. But after becoming a Hero herself, she realizes why the lies and secrets about her identity are in place. The safety of herself and her loved ones.

Meanwhile, Lila is struggling with her lying tactics. Because despite not actually having famous connections and even after the annoyance from the class finding her out she was lying, they still like her. They still care about her and want to be her friend.

Lila vs. Nino

I will admit that Nino is the least developed of the five which is a crime because he’s great and deserves better but that’s for another post.

It would be interesting because he’s the least like Lila. Marinette is the one with all the connections that Lila claims to have and is the 'Love Rival’, Adrien is the one with a similar history but on a different path, Alya is the 'opposite’, and Chloé (who I will get to) is the Mean Girl. But Nino’s none of that.

Still, Nino is friends with everyone Lila targets. And he’s a protector type. Like bruh. He gets the Miraculous of Protection!! That’s just Canon.

The idea of everyone thinking Lila is genuine, but Nino is the only one who get bad vibes and is wary of her could’ve been a good story.

Especially because this would make sense for extending this plot!! Like, Nino is the only one of the four who can’t disprove Lila’s lies himself. Marinette could just be Ladybug and otr Lila again or call any celebrities she knows. Adrien could do the same as Chat, or just by telling people that Ladybug called Lila out. Alya can contact the Heroes and knows how to research anything Lila claims. Chloé can do the 'call up celebrities’ thing too. Nino being unable to prove Lila’s a fuck makes more sense than everyone suddenly being dumb for the plot to work.

It’s also so much harder to have Lila turn people against him! With Marinette, it’s the “sure she’s nice but jealousy makes a vicious monster out of the best”. With Alya it could be either the “jealous I’m bffs with Ladybug” or “jealous of her getting close to Marinette”. With Adrien, Lila could claim that he’s the one pretending to be nice while manipulating them. And Chloé is self explanatory. But Nino is none of that.

It might not have quite the back and forth like the others, but that is also why I like it. It’s more subtle. It’s not a full on battle between the two. Neither is really a threat to the other directly.

This would also make sense writing-wise for why Lila is both built up as such a threat but is also doing nothing to actually be a threat outside of, like, four episodes. She’s subtle, and Nino’s protection of his friends is just as subtle because he plays defense. 

As a bonus: This would also give Nino more screentime and development.

Lila vs. Chloé

This would’ve been so good because, like, they both start as antagonists for the Civilian plot. And there’s two ways that I would go with this.

The first, which I like better because it’s Chloé Redemption: As Chloé learns to be a better person, Lila begins becoming worse and worse.

Both start as Mean Girls for the class, but in different ways and in ways that are reverse of each other. Chloé seems like the typical 'rich girl bully’, but does have hidden niceness and just wants to be loved. Lila seems oh so nice, but is cynical and only seems to want power and attention.

Chloé being the one to try and out Lila’s lies and not being believed makes so much more sense because, well, Chloé is an asshole and the class is just barely beginning to trust her. If they trust her at all. But compared to the other four, she’s the least trustworthy.

However, Chloé is also much more morally gray than the other four. So she can play Lila’s games just as hard. Lean into the lies just enough to turn it around on her. Much like the Adrien plot, you could have Chloé learning to use these skills for 'good’ to help people while Lila continues to just get what she wants.

This would eventually come to a head when Chloé’s redemption arc gets to the point where people do legitimately believe she has changed and trust her.

The other story option: Both hate Ladybug and go Darkside, but for different reasons.

Yes this includes keeping Miracle Queen which hurts me, but it also includes keeping Chloé’s character development by changing a few things.

So, Lila hates Ladybug because Ladybug ruined her plans, and is joining Hawkmoth because she can use his powers to further manipulate the situation and get what she wants.

Chloé hates Ladybug because she feels betrayed and abandoned by her, and joins Hawkmoth because at least he is upfront about how she’s only useful as a tool.

Both are doing the same things, but one is an asshole while the other is sympathetic. And it leaves room for the narrative, and the Heroes, to offer both of them a redemption arc and see who takes it. 

Anyway! That’s my point on how I think literally any of these would be more interesting than making Lila be Marinette’s problem!!

[thevioletjones]

Congrats on the kudos, u deserve it! I did not undestand if I'm supposed to choose one of the lines for the prompt or if I have to combine two or more lines lol. But if it is to choose only one: number 5. If more than one: 5 and 45. *---*

Thank you! I used both. Great inspiration, actually. It spun out of control! 😀

Prompt 2: “How much of that did you hear?” + “Why are you helping me?”

Interloper

“Jesus, Iggy, I’m gonna fuckin’ murder you myself one of these days,” Mickey threatened in exasperation.

They were both leaning over, hands on knees, gasping for air, just having run full-speed for at least twelve blocks. The pillars beneath the L tracks were now providing the mild seclusion they needed to wait out a cursory police search of the area.

“Ain’t my fault!” Iggy exclaimed defensively.

Mickey’s face scrunched up to a degree that only his dumbest family members could make it reach. “Yes it fuckin’ was! Who else’s fault would it be?”

He’d always kind of wondered how he was the only one in his crap-ass family to be gifted with at least half a brain. Well, him and his younger sister, Mandy. She was alright. Skanky and crazy, but not a total idiot. He couldn’t say the same for his brothers, male cousins, father, uncle, etcetera. Mickey couldn’t even get his begrudgingly favorite brother to follow a simple goddamn plan that would’ve kept them out of trouble when they were out committing crimes. He was just gonna have to start doing everything himself. Safety in numbers didn’t apply when the other member of your team seemed to have been lobotomized when no one was paying attention. It was probably all the meth. Mickey was smart enough to stay away from that particular bullshit. Didn’t want to become a scabby, denture-wearing, toothpick skinny, low-life with no mind left to lose. He was content to stick to coke and weed like a normal person.

“That old bitch came outta nowhere! Self-defense!”

“It ain’t self-defense if you’re robbin’ the joint, numbnuts! We’re lucky you fuckin’ missed!”

If he had it his way, Mickey wouldn’t be doing these petty robberies anymore. He much preferred bigger jobs, like gun and drug running. But times were tough, and he had to do what he had to do. He’d even considered getting a legit job for once in his life, but the skills he possessed weren’t exactly easily adaptable to the straight and narrow path. Being a criminal was how he was raised, and all he knew. It brought heat, but it was still a comfortable fit. Living without the constant presence of major risk would probably feel so foreign as to drive him crazier than a meth addiction in the long run.

The job Mickey’d lined up involved hitting up a few different borderline upmarket stores that’d opened up in their neck of the woods since the gentrifiers had set upon The Yards, then selling the goods to a guy he knew in the online black market trade. Not as lucrative as heavy metal and funny powder, but a decent payday nonetheless. Except fuckface over here who had to ruin everything by getting trigger-happy on Main while they were attempting to heist merchandise from location number two of three. If the pigs nabbed either one of them, they’d be going down for at least five to ten. Years. Mickey was done donating years to the prison industrial complex. The most he could afford was months at best.

“When’d you turn into such a giant asshole?” asked Iggy. “Oh, nevermind, probly when you started gettin’ it railed on the reg.”

A giant smile stretched across his perpetually dirty face, causing Mickey’s eyebrows to lift dangerously high on his forehead. Occasionally, his dumber-than-rocks older brother managed to think up some admittedly clever asides. Mickey didn’t know whether to punch him or give him daps.

Before he could decide, however, he heard a distinct little snicker from the other side of the large concrete column they were leaning on, raising his hackles to invisibly join his eyebrows in their heightened incredulity.

Mickey hastily rounded the pillar and grabbed the giggler by the shirt collar, hauling him to their side and pinning him next to Iggy with his forearm. He looked into the guy’s eyes, and finally registered who it was. He kinda sorta knew him from around town. Used to hang out with his sister back in high school. He was a lot scrawnier then. This version of the dude could probably hold his own with Mickey in a fight. He’d built some definite muscle.

“How much of that did you hear, asshole?” Mickey demanded, seeing Iggy flash the gun in his waistband in his periphery.

This idiot didn’t look as rattled as he should be, though. He just shrugged his shoulders.

“Considering I was here first, I guess… all of it?”

He was wearing an annoying little smirk, his green-blue eyes shining bright, and his red hair distracting Mickey as much as the light dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks. He had a stupidly ultra-defined chin, and Mickey immediately hated it. His chin hadn’t looked like that when he was a 15-year-old pipsqueak.

“Wipe that smile off your face, bitch,” ordered Mickey, pressing his arm harder against the guy’s pale throat. “You think this is fuckin’ funny? You know who we are?”

The guy shrugged again, like this was all a casual conversation on the corner. “Mickey.” He glanced at his dumb, blonde, curlicue brother. “And Iggy, right? I used to hang out with Mandy all the time. Have a good memory.”

“Yeah? Well I remember your goofy ass too, Gallagher. I know where you live and I know who your family is, so if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your big mouth shut or I’ll pick ‘em off one by one and save you for last. Got it?”

The dude snorted, and Mickey wondered if he was some kind of crazy tweaker with no sense of propriety or self-preservation.

“You outta your goddamn mind or somethin’?” Mickey added. “I ain’t jokin’.”

“Look, Gallaghers don’t snitch, alright?” He held his hands up placatingly. “I promise not to say shit to anyone. It’s none of my business, and I really don’t care. That good enough for you?”

Mickey loosened his hold, but sized him up all the while. “Maybe. But it’s possible you need a little lesson to remember it good. Wouldn't want you to forget about the consequences of you breakin’ your word.”

The dude winced and shoved Mickey off. “I don’t need a fucking beatdown, Mickey. I get it.”

“Ohhhh,” Mickey singsonged derisively, meeting Iggy’s gaze. “He gets it.” He thumbed his eyebrow. “Guess I’m just s’posed to believe you, huh?”

“That would be ideal, yeah.”

Mickey had to give it to him; he almost cracked a smile. The kid had balls. Most people around their neighborhood cowered before a Milkovich like spring lambs. Still, he lived by a code, and letting some rando walk away unscathed when he had dirt on him just didn’t fit the rules.

He cocked his fist back to knock it into tall, pale, and red’s pearly white teeth, just as the stunted siren of a cop car rang out very close by. Their collective heads all snapped toward the sound, and after sharing a meaningful look between brothers, Iggy took off running once again, without a word.

Normally, Mickey would’ve followed hot on his heels, but some unknown force was keeping his useless feet stuck to the dirty ground, eyes watching as Gingerballs glanced around the column at the flashing lights, taking a very long look that wasn’t suspicious at all.

Before he could react outwardly, Mickey was pulled against a hard body, Gallagher’s warm breath sending a shiver down his spine as he whispered, “Be cool. I got you.”

Suddenly, big hands were caressing Mickey’s back, and despite a part of him not minding in the least, the rest of him stiffened considerably.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he rasped out, hearing the telltale slam of a car door, and attempting to pull away. But a strong grip held him close, spinning him around so that he was the one up against the concrete now.

“Saving your thug ass. I know this guy, okay? Just chill and follow my lead.”

Okay, what the hell was this surreal turn of events? Gallagher was bold as shit, cradling Mickey all gay like. Sure, Iggy had made a fag joke earlier, kicking off this whole… whatever it was, but still. This guy had no way of knowing it was based in reality. Did he?

And had Gallagher really been gay this whole time? How had Mickey never sniffed this scorching information out?

“What’s going on here, boys?”

The copper rounded the corner, genuinely swinging his nightstick like a cartoon character, and Mickey had to suppress a deep roll of his eyes.

“Milkovich?” Mr. CPD continued, extreme disbelief coloring his voice.

Mickey was abruptly reminded that he was currently stuck between a rock and a hard body, and nothing about their entanglement screamed anything other than gay, gay, super-fucking-gay. Not that Mickey hadn’t come to accept who he was and what he liked, but he didn’t go around spreading the truth all over town either. This could seriously damage his carefully crafted reputation.

“Tony!” Ian interjected, sparing him from having to invent some lame excuse, and the cop’s eyes snapped to him instead.

“Ian?” His tone was still dripping with astonishment.

“Yeah! What's up? How you been?”

Mickey shot him an ‘are you goddamn serious right now?’ look, and Ian just squeezed his hip in tacit reply.

“Uhhh… gooood? Care to explain whatever…” he waved his stick between them, “this is?”

Ian laughed and he figured the dude truly was a nutcase. Mickey was going to jail for sure.

“Um, well,” answered Ian, suddenly playing it very meek and demure, “Mickey and I were just… you know…”

“You and… Mickey?”

“Not fucking or anything! Just... hanging out?”

“Hanging out.”

“Yeah, you know how it is. I’m tryin’ to convince Mick here to come home with me, but he’s being squirrelly.” He shook his head and shrugged. “South Side guys.”

“What the fuck?” Mickey whispered harshly, completely taken aback.

Ian just squeezed him tightly again, which was not helping his whole brain scramble situation.

“Huh,” said Tony, a tone of acceptance seeping in. “Mickey Milkovich, eh? Wow.”

“Come on, Tony. I don’t have to tell you this is all a big secret, do I?” replied Ian.

“And blondie who ran away like there was a damn fire? Did he flee a threesome?”

Mickey frowned and fake-wretched, finally speaking up. “Fuck no, man. That was my dumbass brother. He don’t like cops.”

“Uh huh. And you and your brother didn’t happen to be getting into trouble about 15 minutes ago, did you?”

“No sir,” Mickey said with a mock salute.

Ian kicked at his foot in warning.

“He’s been with me since like 3 o’clock, Tone. Scout’s honor.”

Officer Tony eyed them both with a look of skepticism, but didn’t contradict Ian’s word. The CB sounded from the open window of the black and white, with some cop-speak crackling over the airwaves.

“Stay put,” said Tony, eyes lingering longer on Mickey’s than Ian’s. “Both of you.”

He retreated to answer the radio call, and Mickey let out a deep whoosh of air.

“Goddamn, Gallagher. You’re spinnin’ quite a yarn here.”

“Yep,” Ian agreed. “A big gay yarn.”

“How the fuck did you know—”

“That you’re gay? Well, I heard Iggy make that joke, obviously. Pretty specific bottom joke to make if you weren’t actually into it. Plus, I always had my suspicions.”

Mickey scoffed. “Yeah fuckin’ right!”

“I did!”

“Whatever. Why are you helping me?”

“Out of the kindness of my heart?”

“Try again.”

“I don’t know. Why not? Makes us even or something. Now you know I won’t rat you out. About any of it. I wouldn’t out someone like that, and I don’t give a shit about the illegal crap you’re wrapped up in. Tony Markovich is like turbo gay too. Used to bang my sister, I think, but he came out a couple years ago. He won’t let it slip about you. He’s not a total bastard just cuz he’s a cop, ya know?”

Mickey bit his lip in contemplation. Gallagher seemed pretty genuine. Still didn’t much make sense in his brain, but whatever.

“Fine. But you know what’s gonna happen if—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, kick my ass, kill my family, got it.”

“You’re a cocky little shit, ain’t you?”

Ian smirked again, and it was pretty sexy, actually. “Maybe.”

He had the gall to push against Mickey more fully, pressing the bottom halves of their bodies closer together.

Mickey gasped. “Gonna have to ask you again… what the hell do you think you’re doin’?”

“You wanna go out sometime?”

Mickey cackled in his face. “You’re off your fuckin’ rocker for sure.”

“Am not! I can tell you want me.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ. Cocky little shit doesn’t even begin to cover it, does it?”

“Come onnnn,” Ian prodded.

“Do I look like I date, Gallagher?”

“A date can be whatever we want it to be, Milkovich. I’m easy.”

“Yeah, I bet you are.”

“Okay,” Tony interrupted, coming back into view. “Get the hell outta here. You wanna bang, do it indoors somewhere, or I’ll have to arrest you for public indecency or worse. And Milkovich… if I find any evidence of what I’m sure you know I’m talking about, I’ll be paying your ass a visit real soon.”

Mickey let the eyeroll loose then, withholding a flip of his middle finger, and deadpanning instead, “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, officer.”

Tony sighed loudly. “Whatever.”

“Thanks, Tony!” Ian cried at his retreating back.

“You always kiss cop ass like that? Cuz that’s not the way to get into my pants, Red.”

Ian just grinned, finally pulling his body away as he looked around. “You gonna follow me home or what?”

Mickey wanted to tell him to go fuck himself and swagger away like a badass. But was he not a thirsty man being propositioned by a hot guy who just randomly saved his ass from a trip to the slammer?

He at least feigned protest, huffing and puffing as he kicked at the dirt. “Goddamn it, Gallagher, you drive a hard bargain.”

Ian’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, as Mickey added, “Lead the way, weirdo.”

[andoqin]

C-Novel Rec

So, I have a Deep Abiding Love for Chinese Webnovels, but not often do I get one that actually gets me deep in my heart in a way where I think about it after I’m done and so I wanted to talk about it a little here.

The novel I want to talk about is called Rebirth of a Star General (重生之女将星) , by Qian Shan Cha Ke (千山茶客). If you’ve read (hetero) c-novels, you might know her name, since she also wrote the novel Rebirth of the Malicious Empress of Military Lineage, which is almost a classic in this kind of rebirth genre. 

This Rec/Review/overlong essay is going to contain spoilers, so if you’re completely allergic to those I’ll just give you my TL;DR here: I preferred it a lot over RMEML.

Now to my endless wall of words:

Rebirth of the Star General is pretty much what it says on the tin, main character He Yan, is a famous general in her own right, but no one knows about it because she was only the stand-in for her sickly brother. When her brother grew up and was no longer sick, the family decided that he should receive the military honors she had earned and she would be married off. This was possible thanks to the fact she had always worn a mask, so as not to be discovered.<o:p></o:p>

He Yan was not entirely happy with this decision, but she thought she would make the best of it. Of course, it gets worse because not even a year into her marriage she is first poisoned and then blind as a result and later murdered by her cousin, a concubine of her husband.

She gets reborn as He Yan, beloved and spoiled daughter of a city guard and vows revenge, both on her former husband and on her family, but most of all she longs to become a general again, but this time under her own name and with acknowledgement of her being a female general. 

If you want your rebirth novels to include lots of face slapping or intricate revenge plotting, this is not the novel for you, since soon after she is reborn, she kills a guy out of self-defense and when his family and the city guard are after her she uses this chance to enlist in the army, disguised as a man. 

This is where she meets her arch-rival in her previous life, a man so gorgeous, once again entire paragraphs are filled trying to describe his magnificent beauty - a hallmark of this author if I ever saw one. She decides she will use this chance anyway, her knowledge of military tactics and her knowledge of her rival (and former classmate) possibly being beneficial in this case. 

The author makes it a point to emphasise that He Yan struggles initially to keep up with the military training, since she is now inhabiting the body of a woman who does not have experience with hard work and that she has to work twice as hard to be even mediocre, in the beginning. Obviously mediocrity does not lead to quick military advancement, so her getting incredibly fit very quickly anyway is not very realistic, but even before she had enlisted, He Yan had trained her new body and she has many years of experience as to how to get better and fighting experience, so I gave the novel a pass on that one. 

Up to this point the novel was entertaining, but it didn’t really grip me too hard, although I was impatient enough to MTL it, but as the story goes along He Yan really developed into one of my favourite c-novel heroines ever. So often in novels like this, the female character is treated as exceptional and all other women are dumb bitches, often just in the way of our main couple and dispatched accordingly. But He Yan does not treat other women like this and over the course of the novel builds lasting connections with all sorts of women.

And then there is the scene that made me go: okay yeah, this is going right up the favourite list.

He Yan meets up with the Second Male Lead (who never really is a serious threat to the OTP, He Yan only ever sees him as a friend and somewhat nice guy) and he tries the “oh you’re so unique and special, no other woman is like you” speech, but He Yan stops him and rips into him and the patriarchy in such a beautiful way, that even MTL doesn’t hamper:

   "A-He is very different from ordinary women."

     He Yan looked at her, "What's different?"

     Chu Zhao continued to walk forward, his voice still soft: "Most women, even though they are faced with such a predicament, are already numb and indifferent, and do not think as much as Ah He does. If A-He is thinking about them now, it is very likely that they wont enjoy it, and they will even complain that you are meddling in their affairs."

     He laughed: "This sounds a bit condescending."

     Chu Zhao smiled, "Why do you say that?"

     "The court is a man's court, the world's affairs are a man's world affairs, even when studying in the battlefield, it is men who are the only ones who have the grace. It is so unreasonable that men take advantage of the world, but in turn blame women for being numb-minded and unmotivated, what is this if not superiority?"

     "Brother Chu thinks that I am different from ordinary women because I have studied, I have left the house, and I even went to the military camp. But if you let those women be like me, who have seen the snow of Liangzhou Wei, the water of Jiyang City, the long moon of the desert, the rivers and mountains, do you think they would still be willing to be trapped in a jealous mansion, would they still be complacent and numb and foolish?"

     She smiled a little bit like Xiao Jue, "I think the men in the world are worried about this, so they have set up many ridiculous rules to bind women, breaking their wings with the three rules and five rules, and using those unwarranted 'virtuous wives and beautiful women' to judge them. The more foolish they are, the more reassured the men are, and the more they say, 'See, the women are shallow', when they are the ones who caused it!"

     "Because they also know that once women are given the chance to 'choose', they will never become a vase in the harem with their hands outstretched waiting to be fed by their husbands. Those good women would become generals, chivalrous men, scribes, staff, and compete with them for the grace of the world, and they, in turn, might not win."

     The girl's eyes were as clear as the water in the springtime of Ji Yang City, transparent and clear, seeing clearly and distinctly, as if they could reflect the most splendid daylight.

     He was always able to speak well and would not bring the atmosphere to an awkward point, but at this moment he did not know what to say. It was as if there was nothing he could say to refute the person in front of him. It was clearly a ridiculous, insouciant, naive and annoyingly righteous statement, but it shone out the shadow of a human being, with nothing to hide.

    He was also uneven in his heart.

     Although pretending to be "He Ru Fei" had brought her a lot of pain in her life, it had also taught her to see sights that many women would never see in their lifetime. If she hadn't pretended to be "He Ru Fei", she would not have known that men could do so much more than women. If you were talented in literature, you could be a bachelor with a full belly, if you were skilled, you could be a general with a good war record. Even if you were mediocre at everything, you could still be the most ordinary man on the street. To put it mildly, even at the Raketongzhuang, women were gambling prostitutes and men were gamblers.

    It was only because she later became "Madam Xu" and worked as both a man and a woman that she realised that the world treats men and women so differently, that it is not that men do not suffer, but their suffering can be the basis for judging themselves. The women, on the other hand, spend their lives waiting for the men's affirmation of their hardships.

    It is obvious that they are both born as human beings, but who is more noble than the other? It is ridiculous that some men still look down on girls from the bottom of their hearts, which makes people speechless.

and this is when the author pretty much states why He Yan would never be with SML 

   Chu Zhao and Xiao Jue were, after all, not the same. With women, they both considered them weak and unable to protect themselves. But the former's judgement had a hint of negativity and condescension in it, while the latter, as evidenced by the treatment of the female corpse in the Sun family's backyard in Liangzhou City, had more to do with pity.

And I loved that so much??? Yes, both the ML and SML have patriarchical attitudes towards women, but for He Yan there is a subtle and important difference. And this continues to be a theme throughout the book. One woman later keeps telling her son “Don’t underestimate women!” to later add, after He Yan has become a female general in her own right, under her own name, that He Yan might not be the only female general, there will be two, three or even more.

The romance is of the very, very slow variety and the main couple doesn’t even get together until the last quarter of the novel, officially, but before that we have all sorts of delicious fake relationship, cohabitation and other delightful tropey shenanigans.

The slow romance and relatively easy way the revenge is dealt out might mean this is not for everyone, but if you’re into a nice novel about a woman realising her goals, with a man who will always support her by her side, this might be for you.

And yes, she continues to lead armies after they are married :D

[tinumiel]

Thoughts on Shadow and Bone

obviously, spoilers, ALL THE SPOILERS BELOW....

What they nailed:

Alina Starkov. I really loved Jessie Mei Li as Alina. She’s fresh, genuine, and she has the cutest smile ever. I’m usually not a fan of adding elements that aren’t in the original material, but I loved how they incorporated Jessie’s ancestry into the story and made Alina half Shu-Han. Not only does it make 100% sense, with Alina being from an area with a lot of Ravkan/Shu-Han interchange, but it also respects both the actress and the story rather than saying “Oh yes, Alina’s looks slightly asian now”. I loved how she was portrayed, I felt like she was a blank canvas that slowly filled with color as her story progressed, and Jessie really brought her to life.

The Darkling. First things first. I love the Darkling, in case that wasn’t already obvious. And I love Ben Barnes, in case that wasn’t obvious either. For some reason, it seemed like the show creators really wanted to rub the “he’s the BAD GUY” powder in my face, but joke’s on them, because Ben Barnes portrayal really added to the tragedy of his character, to everything that he’s been through and to the corruption of his ideals. How he went from an outcast wanting to stand up for himself and his people, to a tyrant fueled mainly by vengeance (if they wanted to make him less sympathetic so badly, why on earth would they include that flashback scene? How lonely he was, how manipulating, how driven. Also, how plainly hot he is.

Darklina. On the same note, the chemistry between Jessie Mei Li and Ben Barnes is insane. There were only a couple of Darklina scenes, but they were so powerful, that I find it hard to believe even non darklina shippers didn’t feel it. To be fair, I’m a Darklina fan (I’m actually a Nikolina fan, but Darklina is my second favorite), so I guess there might be a slight bias on the subject. Just as they were trying too hard to state the Darkling was evil, they tried too hard to make Darklina less appealing (like, they took away the whole Darkling’s real name element, what was that about?). But the actors had such good chemistry that despite whatever attempt the creators might have had to make it clear Darklina is “wrong”, it flopped. They had the best romantic chemistry. Even when they were fighting. Shivers.

The Crows. Flawless. Perfection. Chef kisses. Every single one of my traumatized teenager found family members was perfectly introduces, portrayed and everything was perfectly set up for Six of Crows storyline. Kaz Brekker? Flawless. Freddy Carted had all the aesthetic. Maybe they could have shown more signals of his phobia to being touched, but I guess we’ll see more of that next season. The scene of Kaz vs. Darkling? Didn’t even know I needed it. Of course the one person that could have outsmarted the Darkling would be the Bastard of the Barrel. Kick his shadow summoner ass, baby. Inej? An absolute queen. Her devotion, her faith, her skill. She was simply perfect. Amita Suman is gorgeous and she’s exactly how I pictured Inej to be. Kit Young? He brought the personification of chaotic energy that is Jesper and elevated it to a new plane of existence. Jesper was perfect. His loyalty, his cockiness, his skill, but also his weaknesses, his addiction, his playful side. God, he was amazing. 

Nina and Mathias? Nothing to say other than I love them your honor. I loved that they stuck to Nina’s body type and casted a curvier actress. And Mathias? All tall and blonde and stubborn? My sweet, dumb himbo. Their chemistry was amazing too. The scene in the whaler’s cabin? Even better than I imagined it in the books.

The visuals. The Fold. Ketterdam. The keftas, Os Alta, Tsybeya. It was all so beautiful. Ketterdam was almost just as i imagined it. The fold was even better. I think the one mark they missed was the Little Palace (where’s the golden dome?) and Bahgra’s hut (which wasn’t a hut, it was a cave). The Grisha power. The shadows controlled by the Darkling, the light controlled by Alina, Genya’s tailoring, the Summoners in general. It all looked so cool

Special shoutout to Milo the goat. You brought all the cuteness to the Crows.

What they missed:

Mal. Yes, yes, I know a lot of people are very defensive of Mal because he’s the “good guy”. But my thoughts regarding the character and how lowkey toxic he is belong to another post, because this isn’t about Mal in general, but about Show Mal. I think Archie Renaux did great with what was handed to him, but he was handed a pretty dull deck. I had the feeling I was going to like show!Mal much more than Book!Mal. In fact, I didn’t even think it was possible for it to be differently, but it was. I was rolling my eyes at Mal more times in one season of the show than I did in all three books. I saw none of his charming scenes, his womanizer moments, his sarcastic comments that landed so well with the situation. Mal’s sense of humor was one of the key factors that make me like the character to some extent in the books, and I felt none of that in the show. They wanted so badly to show him as this Mr. Right Person for Alina, that it was like that was his only personality trait. They really did Archie Renaux dirty because I’m sure he could have done wonders if the writers had included just a little more of Mal’s humorous side.

Malina. Kind of goes hand in hand. Just like with Mal, I won’t go into why I dislike the ship as a whole, but why I felt like the show missed the mark on it. It felt so incredibly forced, like they were trying to shove it down the audience’s throat. The actors had great chemistry portraying best friends, but I felt 0 romantic chemistry. Look at Kaz and Inej, they never once adressed their relationship directly, and yet the chemistry was still there. So then it seemed like they tried to compensate that by throwing in all those flashback scenes, but you can’t construct a ship solely on that, because we are not following that story, we’re following the present story. The thing about Malina in the books, is that the readers could actually decide for themselves whether they liked it or not, while in the show they were pretty much forcing you to. Also, I felt like they missed Alina’s initial crush on Mal while he didn’t really see her that way at first. If they had included that, maybe it would have seemed a little bit less forced rather than having Mal make heart eyes at her from the first moment.

Zoya. I was low-key disappointed of her because I missed a lot of ehr coldness, her superiority and her elegance. Zoya was this powerful, ambitious grisha, proud, cold, charming, sassy. While they gave her most of her lines from the book, I felt like the show reduced her to simply a local mean girl pinning for the Darkling, with little self control over her emotions, when we know in truth no one had a better control over her emotions than Zoya, and that it takes a lot more than two punches to trigger her. I wanted to see more of the #Queen and less of the #Meangirl

That was pretty much all. The rest of the secondary characters were all good, I just didn’t mention them because I focused on what really popped out to me. I’m excited for season 2, especially to see the Ice Court Heist, and, of course, to see the arrival of our lord and savior Nikolai Lantsov (all though I am terrified of his casting because he’s just one of those character you NEED to be perfect).

[honkster]

Yay meta

:)

1. Ranboo compared to the other anarchists of the server.

2. C!Tommy’s mental health.

3. C!Dream as an immortal insane god.

4. Ghostbur’s resurrection.

5. Who betrayed who Techno vs Tommy edition.

A bit of an after-thought - everyone on the SMP is traumatized. Absolutely everyone, no one is handling everything in a mentally healthy way. That’s why it’s meaningless to try to say what’s wrong and what’s right, that’s why it’s all morally grey - everyone is doing things because of their own warped perception of the world, the right and wrong blur when everyone thinks that they’re right and everyone else is wrong. Trying to justify someone’s actions with logic and moral righteousness is inherently time-wasting, because everyone is acting how their feelings let them at the time.

Saying who’s right or wrong, trying to figure out villains and good guys <<< Analyzing characters by their actions and trying to understand WHY rather than SHOUD THEY HAVE.

Probably a bit of a backwards way to say that I don’t care if Tommy or Techno are wrong in their argument - L’manburg was destroyed, Tommy thinks Techno is bad. That’s the end of that story, stay tuned for what Tommy’s gonna do now.

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#1

There is just a very huge difference between Ranboo and the other two anarchists of the server.

Ranboo, while being strong in his beliefs, is a non-violent person. Yes he’s stacked, yes he could fight, but he chooses to stay on the sidelines and just watch the action unfold. He’d rather listen in to people and then make conclusions about their actions and decide on things by himself. He’s hard to sway, Quackity may have softened his viewpoint slightly, and I genuinely hope that Ranboo follows through with that and decides that teams and groups is something that kind of needs to happen before the idea that all conflicts are a personal thing between two people can actually make sense. People are stronger together, especially those that don’t have good gear or pvp skills. The weaker people, the ones lower in the food chain, don’t have that many options for getting their point across. The server is already dominated by the strongest, most skilled, most geared people, and those are the people that matter, when it comes down to it.

Quackity is very much a unique case. He has managed to do with four people what L’manburg and all of its inhabitants didn’t manage for the longest time. He is very much a main player.

The other two anarchists are both very violent. Dream was always like that, he hasn’t shown a crumb of being able of change or considering a different opinion (extreme delusions or just extreme self-confidence? Either one makes him a prick), but Techno actually had an arc where he made the entirely wrong conclusions.

I don’t think I’ve talked about the Butcher Army much.

So Techno blew up Manberg, threatened to take down any government that sprouted up and then dipped. He made his little cottage, he went on a retirement arc, so on and so forth.

But then the Butcher Army formed.

And their one target was the pig.

And they went out of their way to track him down, to prepare to kill him, they arrived there and threatened him, and they said that it’s time for Techno to pay for his crimes, and they reacted how anyone else would when being attacked – they attacked too. They took his horse to get him to stop, they brought him up for execution, they didn’t manage to kill him, but they switched targets once they realized that they can’t actually kill him while literal god is on his side, helping him.

The conclusion there wasn’t that government is evil and abuses its power. It’s that violence is paid forward with violence.

It doesn’t really matter that Techno misunderstood. Either way he would’ve returned to good old Blood for the Blood God Technoblade, but I fear that this event reinforced his very wrong belief that government is the source of ALL problems on the server.

If he would say that government is the cause of MAJOR conflicts that wouldn’t happen if government didn’t exist, yeah! Yeah, I agree with that actually. But he’s saying that EVERY conflict is because of government.

The disc war was not because of government.

The Pet War was not because of government.

Most of the rivalries of the server are not because of government.

Tommy was not… Actually (yeah Tommy was exiled because of government and the fact that the sentimentality for L’manburg seemed very important at that point. Things shouldn’t be more important than people, people you can’t just replace. But…) Dream specifically when he went after Tommy targeted L’manburg. If the country didn’t exist, Dream probably would have gone about it another way, probably one more difficult, but he wouldn’t have involved all these people whose only connection to one another is a flimsy city built on stilts. I still hate how Techno refuses to acknowledge that Dream WAS the cause of Tommy’s exile, not government.

But what if Techno was big brain?

Yeah, things shouldn’t be more important than people. Is that what he’s suggesting? That government favors power over giving up land/buildings/countries for their people, knowing that if they lost their country they would no longer have power?

That would be very interesting!… If his actions actually indicated this.

Techno didn’t chunk error L’manburg because he thought those buildings gave power to someone over another. He did it out of revenge, claiming that it still lined up with his anarchist beliefs and that he was doing good. Techno released withers, the most destructive and hard-to-kill mob available to the server, he stalled while Dream essentially set up nukes above the city. They didn’t do this out of kindness and want for the people to have freedom, they KILLED the people that they were so “graciously” “saving”.

Technoblade and Dream are both violent anarchists who misunderstood what the word means. They don’t seek order in the chaos, they don’t seek a peaceful anarchy, they just want blood.

Which makes me very worried for Ranboo. I don’t think that he will get influenced by the two, if the two ever come back together to stir up shit again. I don’t think Ranboo is going to believe Technoblade when he says that government is the cause of ALL problems, because Ranboo doesn’t just hate the factions of the server. He has said that Dream is the reason for a lot of conflict on the server, he understands what Dream is up to. If he will agree with Techno at the beginning, he certainly will find issue in Techno considering Dream a worthy ally.

I just hope that Techno LISTENS for at least once in his life.

(But I won’t be too sad if it’s Phil Ranboo manages to convince. Might actually be easier to get through to anarchist pig Blade that way…)

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#2

I worry for c!Tommy’s mental health.

I know this probably is never going to get addressed rather than that one tiny little plot point where he got exiled for no reason but being as resilient as Tommy is, so constantly himself without apology, so constantly in everyone’s faces and just out there so much, so purposefully annoying just because it’s entertaining for him… I don’t think he’s alright.

The many times he has been beaten down, how many times people have battled him and won, how many times he’s told to shut up and just take it – it makes you wonder how come he hasn’t just given up by now and toned it down so people stop hating him.

Yeah, he’s resilient. Yeah, he’s annoying that way. But I seriously doubt that he can take all that he takes and still be perfectly okay.

One insult means nothing. One time can be just a made up thing to make you pissed off.

Same thing twice? Someone’s just mocking you.

Three times? Wow okay these guys must all be friends and they gossip about me!

Four times?… Hey how big is your friend group exactly?

Five times?…

Six times?…

Seven?…

How about 20.

No matter how ridiculous something that someone noticed about you may be, if repeated enough times, you almost sub-consciously start to believe it. Lots of people notice this – hey I can also notice it!

C!Tommy being annoying on purpose, saying that it’s just entertaining for him… Doesn’t that sound like a really depressing thing to enjoy? Something that garners you so much attention you literally get exiled?

And the fact that, even during Dream enforcing the exile, even when he escaped, when he appeared in Techno’s house and huddled under it like a raccoon, he was still so painfully annoying you just want to punt him?… Does that really sound like just a funny pastime for him and not a defense mechanism against all of the shit people put him through, something that he does out of habit because even though it gets him in trouble a lot of the time, it’s also the only way he can actually react to events and people threatening him, cause what is he gonna do, actually threaten them and get them to leave that way?

I dunno this may be dumb… I may be projecting slightly… Wondering where all of his resilience comes from when actual good things that happened because of him versus the bad things that people constantly blame him for… Sir where do you get that strength and how can I sell my soul for it?

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#3

Oh I’ve written characters that think of awful, violent things as fun…

I actually really like those characters.

I don’t know why I always make them the most traumatized, split-personality, abused and manipulated victims-turned-absolute-monsters.

No wait I do know why.

BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THAT CAUSING PAIN TO OTHERS IS A FUN TIME AND YOU WANT TO DO IT AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN JUST TO SEE THEIR EXPRESSION OF PAIN, THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU.

Dream’s no different. We haven’t seen much of him, other than his motivation and the fact that he goes the wrong way about thinking of means to get to the end. He hasn’t revealed a traumatic past or any real reason why he targets only one person if torturing everyone on the server would probably be way more “fun”.

But he is called god.

And THAT lines up with one of my favorite things to talk about!

Immortals :D

You see the whole concept of a god or an immortal being is at its core something we shouldn’t comprehend. Death and the fact that it will happen can be counted as a reason for a lot of our motivations, so how does it affect one’s thinking if one of our core reasons for life is erased?

I can dump a whole philosophical essay here but I feel like it is highly unnecessary. Dream, as an immortal god on the server, has access to stuff that many people have to grind hours of their life for. This twists his perception of the value of certain items, and also certain actions. The fact that he cannot die also affects that perception, and in his long life he has probably had the same thoughts a lot of immortals have – few things are meaningful in life, few are worth sacrificing things for and few are just as immortal as they are.

This, of course, can cause a little thing called an existential crisis, and it can break an immortal, especially if they were once human and most definitely mortal. We don’t know for sure what Dream is, but assuming either scenario makes his pursuit of fun and drama valid.

If he was once a human and by some dark magic gained immortality, his want to see how humans react to things being destroyed, or how humans fold under torture, may be a twisted way of analyzing himself, trying to understand how he could be a part of them, trying to reconnect with his old self, attempts to return to the mortal plane, there are many options but all firmly lead into “this is just a fun experiment for him”. How people throw mentos in a bowl and pour coke over it just to see an explosion. That’s Dream with the SMP.

If he was always a god, then it gets even more interesting (and thematically relevant!). He never understood these creatures that run around and desperately try to prevent death while simultaneously causing so much of it. If Dream doesn’t understand mortals and death as a concept, then his view of them, based on what he’s seen of the SMP, is that humans SEEK violence, and drama, and pain, and harm. They purposefully create meaningless things to then give them meaning and then feel pain over them. He is utterly confused by humans, but he also understands them quite well.

Taunted, insulted? Retaliate with force.

A country that demands peace? Blow it to smithereens.

A sentimental thing that you could literally replace within a fraction of a life, a little thing of pride that you were able to acquire?

It can control people.

And he seems to understand THAT concept of humanity perfectly well. The want for power, the seeking of control, the simple want to somehow be above your equals, somehow stand out and be admired.

Dream grasps that concept so well he might as well be human.

I don’t know if this humanity side of Dream will be his hubris, if the weakness he acquired from humans – sentimentality over objects that can very easily be replaced and mean nothing in the grand scheme of things – may actually come back after he so rudely pushed it away.

We don’t know enough about this guy. We can make some conclusions, sure, but uh… The simple fact that he causes chaos for fun means that whatever we may think the reason for his motivations is, we will probably fail to understand him as long as we think logically.

C!Dream is an absolute prick. I want to punt him.

But I won’t until he explains why he chose to be a bad copy of the Joker with immortality sprinkled on the fucked up cake.

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#4

Wilbur is coming back into the plot!

Not that Ghostbur isn’t important to the plot. His character is just stagnant because in order to give him proper char development you need to address some very serious mental issues and that’s not exactly something the SMP does often. (Most serious I’ve seen it is Tommy’s exile arc and maybe Fundy’s adoption stream)

So they’re bringing back Alivebur. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything. Literally everything.

I talked about it once, how if Ghostbur’s character wants to reach peace – finish his arc – firstly he has to confront his trauma. At the same time I said that if he was brought back to life, it could hinder his already done little progress of adapting to ghost life and probably reset him. Very certain conditions would have to be met in order for Ghostbur to gain something out of being brought back to life, and a lot of those conditions lean on Alivebur coming back as a certain “version” of himself, which cannot be predicted simply because there isn’t a resident ghost expert on the server. No one knows how these idiots work.

The worrying thing is that they are most definitely bringing back Alivebur. There wouldn’t be need for this plot otherwise. So they will definitely succeed, Alivebur will definitely be brought back, and he will be important to the plot.

What can we theorize about knowing those things?

Mmmm… Isn’t it weird that Ghostbur said he wants to quit being Ghostbur after L’manburg was destroyed? Is it a want to stop ignoring bad things that are happening, since he knows he is going to forget this and move on and he doesn’t want to keep escaping anymore? That’s a good motivation.

Or is it because Ghostbur is like the old spirit of L’manburg, both connected to it physically and mentally? Would Alivebur want L’manburg back, considering that was his only goal in his life, to destroy it, or is he finally going to feel fulfilled that it is over and his obsession with it can die?

I dunno! I have no idea what part they want Wilbur to play in the upcoming plot. It’s very unclear if Wilbur is going to be a side character that moves the plot in little ways or if he’s going to become the main character again or if, and this is probably my most likely theory, the resurrection fails at first and it leads the whole gang, with Ghostbur up front, down weird paths that somehow end with Dream.

(Cause we all know that guy is not going to just write himself out of the plot if he can instead continue being the villain)

It all feels like it’s going to connect, finally. All of the main people from the past getting back into the spotlight in a very convoluted plot to get one of them back into the land of the living.

Don’t really know though. Wondering how resurrection works, that’s all. Knowing that info, may be possible to make a better theory.

<_><_><_><_><_> <_><_><_><_><_>

#5

There is no one right in the “Tommy betrayed Techno” vs “Tommy realized Techno is not a good influence on him” argument. Neither one is right, but neither one is completely wrong. Neither character is in the right, or in the wrong, and it doesn’t really matter who’s right or wrong in this scenario, fact is it happened and the people reacted how they did.

There is only one thing to say about Techno and Tommy, and probably the only thing I’m kinda feeling very strongly about.

Sometimes the refusal to be swayed to another side or believing in yourself gets you called selfish.

That’s both about Techno and Tommy.

And a lot of other people on the server.

<_><_><_><_><_> <_><_><_><_><_>

Here’s a cookie for reading all of that. I can also bake your favorite muffin if you want :3

[impracticaldemon]

The Shopping Expedition (or, A Gift for Theo) by impracticaldemon

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire Characters:  Theodorus (Theo) van Gogh, MC; also Arthur, Comte Canon Setting; Canon Characters Words: ~ 4500  [Also available on AO3 and FFnet]

A/Note:  Written for Theo’s (Cybird) birthday on May 1st. Happy Birthday Theo!  This wasn’t intended to be so long, but I had too much fun writing the Theo x MC interactions. The story assumes that MC has been there for a while already, but there isn’t yet an established romantic relationship.

~Imp

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The Shopping Expedition

Cuff links? Nice, but boring. Gold tie pin? He did wear a cravat when necessary, but I wanted something distinctive. Watch chain? …I couldn’t remember what he used to tell time, although he probably did carry a pocket watch; after all, he was always in a hurry to get somewhere.  Heh—the thought put me in mind of the White Rabbit from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and the image of Theodorus van Gogh wearing bunny ears and a fluffy white tail made me snicker.

It was the day before Theo’s birthday, and I was getting a little—make that a lot—stressed out over what to get him.  I mean, he had everything he needed, between what Monsieur le Comte provided and his own income.  But I’d recently realized that he had very little in the way of personal keepsakes—things he treasured for more than being useful or necessary.  I wanted to find him something special, maybe even something that would make him smile.

Theo had been rude to me from the moment we’d been introduced.  So why was I trying so hard to find him a memorable birthday present? I suppose it was the little things he did in between mocking my (alleged) naiveté and impugning my intelligence. He noticed how hard I worked, for instance, and respected me for it—even checked up on me a few times when he realized I was putting in late night prep work for the next day.  He paid attention to what I was doing, and acknowledged legitimate improvements.  Mind you, his compliments were often buried among his criticisms, but they were sincere and on-point.  And maybe it was my imagination, but there had been a lot fewer insults lately.

I left the jeweller’s—the fourth such shop I’d been in—and frowned down at the paving stones.  The sun was already low in the sky, and I’d promised not to stay out past dusk.  Paris wasn’t a safe place after dark, and a lot of areas weren’t safe at any time. Or so I’d been told, over and over again, by various residents of Chez Comte, including Master Theodorus.

“Planning to take root and grow leaves?”  Snarky comment, snarky tone, big presence.

“Good afternoon to you too, Theo, and how are you today?”

[READ MORE BELOW CUT]

I looked up—quite a ways—and saw the expected sky blue eyes and irritating smirk.  His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, as usual, which made it feel like he was looming over me.  Other shoppers detoured around him without more than a quick glance of annoyance, with the exception of one belligerent young man who called him a rude name that he automatically returned in kind.  They glowered briefly at each other, but there was nothing in it—just an ordinary exchange of ‘civilities’ in Paris of the nineteenth century.  Or any century, come to think of it.

“Seriously, though, you going in or out?”  Theo indicated the shop behind me with his chin.

“I’m fine, thanks.  It’s a nice day, and I don’t often get out to see the city. ��Haven’t needed the umbrella so far.”

Eyeroll.  Sigh.  “Give it up already, would you?  Are you here with Sebas?  Little pups like you need a handler—and maybe a leash.  You might get into trouble, otherwise.”

Right.  Why was I trying to find him a birthday present again? Oh yeah, because there was a heart of at least tarnished silver in there somewhere, and… well, I preferred to not think too hard about the rest.  I gave him my best ‘the customer is always right especially when they’re not’ smile. As a travel planner and occasional tour guide for status-conscious co-patriots, I’d had a lot of practice.

“I’m out on my own today, I’m afraid.  Napoleon and Isaac gave me a lift into town, but otherwise I’m completely unsupervised. How about you?  No big brother around to remind you to play nicely with the other children?”

Sadly, I wasn’t able to get a rise out of Theo, although his smirk faded into something closer to genuine amusement.

“What happened to the polite little girl who first arrived at the mansion?  I seem to remember somebody who stuck to ‘please’, ‘thank you’, and ‘I’m sorry’ most of the time.”

“Well, I didn’t get the best first impression of the tenants, and where I’m from, civility is often the best defense.”  I was going to add more—about lecherous writers and their syrup-swilling friends—but time was getting short, and not only did I still not have a present, but I was starting to wonder what was going on with Theo.  It was unlike him not to be twitching with impatience by this point in the conversation.  “Hey, Theo?”

“Hm?”

“Not that I don’t appreciate your company, but what’s up?”

“What do you mean?  I happened to be in town and saw you blocking traffic—thought I’d better wake you up before somebody knocked you down and stole your lunch money.”

I ignored the usual challenge to my maturity and life skills. “But now we’re both blocking traffic, and you’re always in a hurry when you’re on business.”  The image of the White Rabbit with his giant pocket watch came to mind again, and I added:  “You know—‘I’m late! I’m late!’ and all that.”

Theo frowned, apparently not catching the reference.  It occurred to me that I might be quoting the movie, rather than the book—and would Master Theodorus have bothered to read something as whimsical as Alice in Wonderland?  

“I’m never late for business appointments, hondje–what’s with you?”  Before I could reply, he went on.  “Believe it or not, you have a really terrible sense of self-preservation.  I was just trying to look out for one of God’s dumb creatures, you know?”

“Sure.”  Amazingly, the insult rolled right off me.  Maybe I was finally getting used to him, or maybe it was the dawning awareness that he was genuinely concerned and couldn’t bring himself to admit it.  “So, are you staying in town for dinner, or heading back?”

“Haven’t decided.” Theo shrugged.  “The real question is, how are you getting home?”

“A carriage?  I mean, that’s normal, isn’t it?”

“Napoleon or Isaac meeting you?”

“No, why?”  Great.  Now I had no birthday present and I was starting to feel nervous.  “I can always fend off the cabbie with my umbrella if there’s a problem, okay?  Anyway, I know this is usually your line, but I have to get going.  I still have something to pick up, and—for safety reasons—I’m not supposed to stay out after sunset.”

“…I guess I’ll go with you,” Theo grumbled.  At my look of surprise, he shoved his hands further into his pockets.  “You’re almost useful now, that’s all.  Be a waste for something to happen to you when Sebas finally has you halfway trained.”  More quietly, he added, “Still don’t know what they were thinking, letting you out on your own...”

I stared at him, torn between irritation and confusion.  After a moment, his eyes flicked away from mine.  I thought there was a hint of red in his fair cheeks, but the late afternoon sun made it hard to tell.

“Look, Theo, all joking aside, I’m not a child, and I think I can manage to take a carriage home on my own.”

“Who says I’m joking? What part of ‘Paris isn’t safe’ isn’t getting through your abnormally thick skull?  Look, you’re wearing nice clothes, and you’re obviously carrying money. Sure, you’re probably okay shopping on your own during the day, but taking a carriage out into the middle of nowhere just as it’s getting dark?  I couldn’t believe it when Arthur mentioned—” He broke off abruptly.

“What does our literary Lothario have to do with anything?” I demanded.

“Just—it doesn’t matter, okay?”  Theo was scowling, now; it was a familiar, if not especially charming expression.  “The point is, travelling home alone is asking for trouble, and you’re already trouble-prone.”

“Trouble-prone?”  

“Well, you managed to get stuck in le Comte’s door—that’s a first.  And just—ugh.  If you have something left to buy, we should get moving.  Besides, you’re still blocking traffic.”

Before I could find the words to properly express my aggravation, there was a polite cough at my elbow.  A neatly-dressed, middle-aged man had opened the door behind me, and was looking inquiringly between Theo and I.

“Madame, Monsieur… I do not wish to intrude upon a lovers’ quarrel, but perhaps you would be so kind as to find a more appropriate location?”  He bowed politely.  “You see, Monsieur is rather, ah, formidable, and it is not good for business.  I’m sure that you understand.”

Theo shot me an exasperated look, put a hand under my elbow, and dragged me away.  Since I couldn’t do anything about it without causing a scene, I went with him, calling an apology over my shoulder to the shopkeeper.

After we’d gone a short distance, I tried to yank my arm free.  I wasn’t successful, but at least it got my cranky companion to slow down. Once we’d reached a quieter spot, Theo finally let go.  We were both a little red, and this time it definitely wasn’t just the light.

“You—”

“What the—”

Theo shoved his hands back into his pockets.  I would have crossed my arms in response, but I had a bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other.

“Theo—”

“Hondje—”

I decided to let him go first.  It had occurred to me—as annoying as it was—that he might have a point about the wisdom of taking a hired carriage back to the mansion on my own.  There was no way to call ahead, and the stretch of road between the outskirts of the city and le Comte’s residence was uninhabited and surrounded by forest.  While I was confident that the residents of the mansion would hunt down anyone who harmed me, it made no sense to put myself in harm’s way unnecessarily.  

“Why didn’t Napoleon make arrangements for you to get home?” Theo asked at last, breaking the uncomfortable silence.  “He usually fusses over things like that.”

“I don’t know.”  I thought about the trip into town, and added, “I got the impression that he thought it was already taken care of.  He reminded me to stick to the one shopping district, but that was it.”

Theo suddenly went still, as though something had occurred to him.  Then he scowled again, but it didn’t seem to be at me, for a change.

“Who gave you the money to take a carriage back to the mansion?”

“Le Comte—well, technically I suppose it was Arthur…”  I paused, thinking it over.  “Arthur came up to me shortly before I left to tell me that le Comte had asked him to pass along the money for the trip back.  I was a bit surprised, but it didn’t occur to me to be worried about it.”

Theo muttered something in Dutch that I didn’t quite catch.  It sounded rude, but when I raised my eyebrows at him he just hunched a shoulder and growled, “Arthur, not you.”

“You think Arthur set me up?”  That made no sense.  “But why? I mean, he’s the one who told me—”

I bit off the rest of the sentence, since I’d been about to tell Theo that I’d been looking for a birthday present for him.  Arthur was the one who had recommended the particular shopping district and given me directions.  I’d reluctantly consulted him about possible gifts for Theo, since they appeared to be friends.  I would have preferred to ask our resident angel—Theo’s brother Vincent—but he’d been working non-stop on a painting for the past several days.

“Let me guess.”  Theo had stopped scowling, although he didn’t look happy, either.  “Somebody—probably Arthur, since Vincent’s been painting—told you about my birthday, right?  And you got it in your head that you should get me something, because you would.  Then Arthur suggested where to shop—he knows I like a lot of the artisans in this district.  Sound about right?”

“…Maybe.  But you still haven’t explained what you are doing here.”

“I told you—I had to be in town anyway, and somebody had to look out for the ignorant puppy.”

“I really wish you’d stop it with the pet references.  How did you know I’d gone into town and was coming back on my own?”

“Arthur.”  Theo grimaced. “We were chatting in the front hall, and he mentioned that he was concerned, because he overheard that the coachman wasn’t returning to town for you.  When I said you were probably coming back with Napoleon or Isaac, he made a big show of remembering that Napoleon and Isaac were staying in town late tonight. Bastard.”

I continued to stare at Theo, as the bits and pieces started to click.  It was beginning to sound as though Theo had rushed into town entirely for my sake—so that I wouldn’t have to travel home alone.  Even stranger, Arthur had been able to wind him up with a pretty suspicious story—maybe because my safety was at stake? Normally, Theo was as sceptical as they came.  …Not that I was feeling warm and fuzzy just because Theo had panicked over me or anything.

“What are you grinning about, hondje?”  The glower was back, probably because Theo hated looking like he actually cared about anyone other than Vincent.

“Nothing.”  For some reason, I couldn’t get the smile off my face.

“Just remember that if you had half a brain, and weren’t so reckless, you’d cause a lot less trouble.”

“Right—because it’s my fault that Arthur set me up just so he could mess with you.”

Theo didn’t respond; he seemed to be deep in thought.  Then he hastily pulled out a pocket watch and muttered, “Damn, I really am late, now.”

I stifled a giggle, as the image of Theo the White Rabbit came to mind once more.  “Hey, Theo?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry if you ended up missing something because you were looking out for me.”

He looked startled, then replaced the watch in his pocket and turned away, running a hand through his bright copper-brown hair.  “It wasn’t a big deal.  Otherwise you’d be on your own.”

“I still appreciate it—thank you.”

“Well… just remember that you owe me one.”  He still wouldn’t meet my eyes.  “You still had somewhere you needed to go?”

“Yeah.  Do you mind if I go into that bookstore?”  I pointed across the street.  I was pretty sure I’d been there once before with Sebastian, who was picking up an order for Leonardo.

“Whatever you want is probably in the library at the mansion, you realize.”  Despite his words, Theo immediately set out towards the store.  I hurried after him, unable to repress the thought that it was a lot more comfortable being in nineteenth century Paris with somebody—especially if he happened to be moderately intelligent and good-looking.  Having a glare that parted crowds like Moses parting the Red Sea was a bonus.

I was fortunate enough to find what I wanted, and quick enough that even Theo couldn’t find fault with me for wasting his time.  When I rejoined him outside the store, he was idly flipping through an art book, criticizing the publisher’s choice of paintings.  I could tell that his heart wasn’t really in it, though.

“So, I guess we should get home then?” I asked.

“Yeah, let’s go.  I’d suggest eating out, but Sebas is probably waiting for you, right?”

To my surprise, he held out an imperative hand for my bag, which now contained a neatly-wrapped two-volume set along with the bits and pieces I’d picked up earlier.  For some reason, I didn’t try to refuse, even though the bag wasn’t especially heavy.

“Thanks…”

“Sure.”  He offered his elbow, and rolled his eyes when I stared at it blankly.  “Take my arm, would you?  Last thing I need is for you to trip and twist an ankle now that the light’s going. And stop looking so surprised—makes you look even more out of it than usual.”

“Uh-huh.  Have you ever considered not adding the insults? I hear it can do wonders for people’s opinion of you.”

He looked down at me, smirking.  “Why would I care what people think?”

“You care what Vincent thinks.”

“He’s my older brother, and an artistic genius.  He’s allowed to have opinions.”

“Right…”

We were walking steadily toward the nearest area that was likely to have coaches for hire that would travel beyond the city limits.  I hated to admit it, even to myself, but it was nice to have an arm to lean on, especially since my feet had been sore for a quite while thanks to the uneven cobbles and hard paving stones.  I’d done more walking than I’d anticipated, and late Victorian fashions in ladies’ footwear were elegant, but not especially comfortable.

“Oi, hondje! Don’t fall asleep until we’re actually in the coach, okay?  Or are you hoping I’ll carry you?”

I stifled a yawn, and realized that Theo had a point—about falling asleep on my feet, not about wanting to be carried.  Because I didn’t.  Why would I?

“Oh jeez…  Come on, we’re here now—up you go.”

I let him help me into the carriage, and settled myself decorously on the forward-facing seat. Theo joined me a moment later, having spoken to the driver.  He sat down beside me, and stretched his long legs out in front of him as much as space allowed.  

“Go ahead and nap if you want,” he told me, pulling out a notebook and pencil.  “Maybe I can get some work done if you’re not babbling at me.”

“I don’t babble.”  At least, that’s what I tried to say.  A yawn got in the way, and Theo snorted.  I narrowly resisted the urge to stick out my tongue at him.  Too bad I really was feeling sleepy, though.

We reached the mansion very shortly after that, from my perspective.  I didn’t remember much from the trip itself, which was just as well—or so I told myself.  For one thing, when I woke up, I was leaning on Theo’s chest, and his arm was around me. Moreover, he’d obviously taken off my hat for me, which was just as well, since otherwise I’d have been skewered by the ten-centimeter-long hatpins.  I felt stupidly pleased about that, as well as comfortable tucked up against him, which was embarrassing.  Best not to remember how it had come about.

Theo’s face was scrupulously neutral when I sat up just as we were reaching the mansion.  He just… totally ignored whatever had happened. Not that anything had happened, but still.  I jammed my hat back onto my head, and tried not to yelp when I poked myself with a hatpin. Theo snickered.

“It’s on backward.  Might as well leave it off—you’ll look a little less untidy that way.  Though I guess at least it covers up your hair…”

I wanted to try for icy disdain, but instead I found myself missing his warmth beside me.  Apparently, he noticed something in my expression. His finger lightly brushed my cheek, which suddenly felt very warm indeed.

“You shouldn’t look at me like that, hondje,” he muttered, only partly to me.

“Wh-why not?”  This time, I tried for aloof.  What came out was anything but.

“Well… you look like you wouldn’t mind being kissed, and it is almost my birthday.”

“You’ve been spending way too much time with Arthur!”  Why was I leaning toward him, instead of grabbing my things and hurrying out of the carriage?

“That must be it.”

The touch of his lips on mine was electric.  Okay, what was going on?  I mean—really?

There was a respectful knock on the carriage door, and Theo’s fingers dropped from my cheek.  He grinned at me, but I couldn’t read the emotion behind it.

“Look on the bright side. The driver was bound to think we’d been up to something, since your hair’s such a mess.  At least this way you’ve gotten some benefit out of the embarrassment.”

“What?!  Theo!”

Of course he opened the door at that moment, and it was plain that the driver thought exactly what Theo had predicted he would think.  Ugh!  It was mortifying, but at least the man was a stranger, and hopefully I’d never see him again.

The same couldn’t be said for Arthur, Sebastian, and le Comte, who met us as we came into the house. I’d tried to tidy my hair and replace my hat while Theo paid off the driver, but the expressions on the three men’s faces when they took in my appearance suggested I hadn’t done a very good job.  I came to the conclusion that I’d have to kill Arthur, just to avoid ever seeing the smug, self-satisfied look ever again.  At least le Comte was back to his normal, pleasant self after a bare instant; Sebastian raised his eyebrows at me suggestively—naturally, I ignored him.

Unlike me, Theo was completely self-possessed.  He handed me my bag with a casual, “Try not to drop it, after all that.”  Then he nodded to le Comte and Sebastian, and dropped a hand on Arthur’s shoulder.  I thought I saw Arthur wince, but if so, any pain wasn’t enough to offset his amusement. He winked at me as Theo marched him out of the front hall towards the games room.

“Are you alright, chérie?” Le Comte appeared to be genuinely concerned, so I reassured him that I was fine.

“You’re late getting back,” murmured Sebastian.  “You’ll have to tell me all about it while we work on dinner.”

“Or not,” I murmured right back at him.  I bowed to le Comte.  “Monsieur le Comte—here is the money that Arthur gave me, from you, to pay for the journey back from town.  As it turned out, I didn’t need it.”

“From me?  No… it’s not mine.  But why don’t you keep it, since it appears that Arthur’s been up to mischief again?  The least he can do is help to pay for your parcels.”

When I tried to protest, le Comte smiled gently at me.  I accepted my defeat graciously—after all, there was some merit to his argument.  After a few more pleasantries—which helped to soothe my ruffled feathers, I admit—I went upstairs to change and put away my things. Le Comte accompanied me to the second floor, and detained me briefly outside my door.

“Did you find what you were looking for?  I gather you were trying to find a gift for Theodorus.”

“Oh…”  I hesitated, then nodded.  “Yes, I did eventually choose something, thank you Comte.  It came to me when I was looking at watch guards—I thought maybe a sturdy but elegant gold chain would suit Theo, you see.”

“That makes sense. But I take it that you didn’t get the chain?”

“No…  I wanted something more unusual.”  I decided to confide in le Comte—he struck me as good at keeping secrets, and once I told somebody, I was less likely to chicken out. I reached into my bag, and pulled out the wrapped parcel.  “Open it, and tell me what you think—if you don’t mind.  I’m sure it’s completely the opposite of what Theo would ordinarily read, but that’s why I got it.”

“I’m intrigued, ma petite. But if you mean that you chose something other than a technical work, or an art book, then I congratulate you.  It’s perceptive of you to realize that he could use something to shake him out of his tendency toward ‘all work and no play’—other than drinking with Arthur, that is.”

“Well, to be honest, that was only part of it.”  I made sure that le Comte followed me into my room, since with my luck, Theo would come up at exactly the wrong moment if we stayed in the upper hallway.

“Now I’m even more curious.” Le Comte deftly untied the string that secured the parcel, and folded back the brown wrapping paper to reveal two illustrated books.  “’Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’… and ‘Through the Looking Glass’.”  He looked up at me, and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw the approval in his warm golden eyes.  “I wonder what our ever-practical Theo will make of these?  An excellent choice, chérie.  And no doubt you feel a certain kinship with Mademoiselle Alice? Although I think you chose a more dangerous world to fall into, as it were.”

I returned his smile and shrugged.  “Maybe. I’ve had a number of frightening experiences here, I’ll admit, but I’m not sure that Wonderland sounds all that pleasant.  At least nobody here has threatened to cut off my head for refusing to play croquet using live flamingos.”  When le Comte laughed softly, I added, “But you’re right that I do feel a bit like Alice at times.”

Le Comte flipped idly through the first book, admiring the illustrations.  Naturally, I’d made sure the artwork wouldn’t attract outright derision from the birthday boy.

“Tell me, chérie, what was your other reason for purchasing these books?  I thought it was because of Alice, and your situation here, but I gather that’s not it.”

“Oh—yes, you’re right.” I took the book from le Comte and flipped back several pages to one of the first illustrations, which showed a well-dressed rabbit with a large pocket watch and an air of panic about him.  Underneath, the caption read: ‘Oh dear, oh dear.  I shall be too late.’

Le Comte stared at the White Rabbit for several seconds without comment, and I began to feel anxious again.  Any resemblance to a certain hyper-busy art dealer was apparently all in my head…  Then the polished, ever-courteous, impeccably-dressed man beside me snickered audibly.

“Comte?”

He closed the book, leaving it between my hands, and bowed politely.  “I wish you all the best, ‘Alice’.  If you can get Theo to slow down and enjoy himself, even a little, you will have done him a true service.”

I nodded, but didn’t know what to say.  Who was I to tell Theo to slow down, if he was doing what he wanted to do?  We had a tenuous connection at best, although the afternoon’s events had suggested something more.  Was there more?  Did I want there to be?  What could I—or should I—read into that barely-there kiss?

When Sebastian arrived at my room twenty minutes later, sounding half-concerned and half-annoyed, I still hadn’t moved, and I still didn’t know the answers to any of my questions. The only thing I knew for sure was that I clearly had Theo on the brain.  I apologized to Sebastian, put ‘Alice’ into a drawer to wrap later, and finally got changed. It was time to concentrate on the job at hand, and not Theo’s unusually protective behaviour, or a stray kiss.

[END]

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A/Note:  Were you amused? Entertained? Please let me know what you thought!  Feedback is an author’s bread and butter when it comes to fanfiction. ♥ There may or may not be a sequel, depending on my time, other writing commitments, and reader interest.  For now, this story is published under my one-shot collection “Teatime Tales from the Mansion”

[tigerkirby215]

My worries for Tasha's Subclasses

(Artwork by Wizards of the Coast)

It seems pretty much confirmed that every Unearthed Arcana that’s still considered “relevant” (IE the ones that are a year old and haven’t been officially deconfirmed by WoTC) (IE IE the ones on D&D Beyond) is going to be coming to Tasha’s Cauldron. The only thing that has been confirmed otherwise is that the Psionic Talent Die is going to be changed, which is why I’m not going to comment on any of the psionics subclasses.

However I do have some worries about the subclasses that received a poorer reception. So I guess as a way to document my thoughts, or because I don’t want this account to just be D&D builds I want to give my thoughts and worries on all the current Unearthed Arcana subclasses.

ARTIFICER

The only Artificer we’ll be getting is the Armorer, but we’re also getting a full reprint of the Artificer to “de-Eberron” the class. We’re also confirmed to have new Infusions which makes me extremely hopeful. (I hope they’re not just the infusions from the Artificer UA.)

Regardless I may as well talk about the infusions as well as the Armorer subclass:

ARMORER

The only problem I really have with the subclass is, ironically enough, right on the tin of the subclass. Giving Artificer heavy armor proficiency makes an already extremely tanky class even tankier. I think being able to wear Heavy Armor while dumping Strength is a little much, especially since the weapons also use your Intelligence modifier. It just reeks of min-maxing, and while thankfully Intelligence isn’t as broken as Charisma for the sake of multiclassing shenanigans (no Paladins with a 1 level Hexblade dip) I still think Artificer is going to be extremely strong for Intelligence subclasses like Eldritch Knight, Rune Knight, and ironically enough Arcane Trickster.

Yeah that’s another big problem with the class: the Infiltrator armor. Rogues in Heavy Armor without stealth disadvantage? My favorite. It’s a cool visual but again I don’t want to deal with a 20 AC Rogue. Everything else with the subclass is honestly fine but my problems start and end with Heavy Armor that doesn’t require Strength.

INFUSIONS

Armor of Magical Strength - Similar problems that I have with Armorer subclass, but it’s conceptually fine since it’s limited by level and charges.

Armor of Tools - It sucks but it’s fine.

Helm of Awareness - I honestly think “Alert on a stick” is fine. Infusion slot and Attunement slot for a Feat is fair.

Mind Sharpener - Just… no. Should not be printed. You shouldn’t be able to fail concentration twice.

Spell-Refueling Ring - Just let us build a Spell Storing Ring (IE the magic item.) And not at level 6. Level 10 maybe; level 14 most likely.

BARBARIAN

PATH OF THE BEAST

Thank god for alphabetical order. I honestly think Path of the Beast is fine and I could see the subclass printed without any changes. It’s a little underwhelming but conceptually fine, and it fulfills a good fantasy. I even think the healing ability of the Bite is fine; Battlerager could get Temp HP every turn and that was fine. The ability to heal is balanced out by the weaknesses of the class when compared to the likes of Totem Barbarian.

PATH OF THE WILD SOUL

Ooooh boy now here’s where my problems lie. This entire subclass is bonkers and should not be printed.

WILD SURGE

Oh cool a massive damage nuke plus temp HP for a tank class.

Oh cool unlimited teleportation for a melee class.

Arguably the worst one but still a massive damage nuke for free.

Oh cool more AC and damage reflection for a tank.

Okay the actual worst one and arguably the only “bad” one.

Oh cool making it harder to hit a tank.

Oh cool dual wielding with a Greataxe, and giving a melee character ranged options.

Oh cool an Iron Man laser at the start of a fight that bursts enemies and sets them up for you to attack them.

This ability should have more negative options. The entire point of Wild Magic is to have a chance to screw you over or a chance to majorly help. The class also doesn’t need three different damage nukes at the start of rage. (Equaling a 3/8 chance to just nuke the enemy.)

MAGIC RESERVES

The single dumbest ability ever printed on a class in 5e. I honestly see no way to make this balanced, even if it was limited to once per long rest. Also how the hell is this balanced for 6th level? This should be the 10th level ability at least.

ARCANE REBUKE

Free damage as a reaction. This ability is simultaneously super underwhelming and way too powerful.

CHAOTIC FURY

Makes your stupidly OP level 3 ability even more “reliable.” And unlike WM Sorcerers you have a 2/8 chance to get something good; not a 2/50 chance.

BARD

I honestly have no problems with the College of Creation beyond the level 3 Bardic Inspiration feature, which is underwhelming.

I doubt College of Spirits is going to come out. It’s way too early for that subclass since it hasn’t been tested enough.

CLERIC

TWILIGHT DOMAIN

Honestly I remember thinking this subclass was really overpowered but looking it over again… It’s fine? Other than the fact that the level 17 ability is poopy it’s fine.

UNITY DOMAIN

Also got no major problems with this subclass. A bit on the strong end but no worse than some of the existing Clerics.

DRUID

They’re both great and I have no complaints.

FIGHTER

Rune Knight is a very mixed bag for me. On one hand I love the growth ability and I think it makes Rune Knight a great universal damage class while also having a great mental fantasy to it.

On the other hand this class is almost entirely based on the runes? And what I find especially confusing is that the runes seem way more powerful than “doing an extra d6 of damage.” Yet Giant’s Might is limited to long rests and the runes come back on a short rest?

I’d personally like to see Giant’s Might have only one or at most 2 charges, but have the ability come back on a short rest. But to compensate I think the runes should be limited by long rests, since they’re so powerful as is. This would also make the ability to unlock more runes as you level up more useful, as it would give you more options throughout the day instead of being overloaded with actions that aren’t fighting as a fighter.

Oh and let’s talk about those runes, hm?

Hill - So Barbarian’s Rage is limited by long rests, but the rune that literally recreates Rage’s damage absorption is short rest reliant? Kk.

Fire - Cool worse Hold Person that they can save against every turn. Arguably the weakest rune, though probably the coolest mental image. I’d actually be okay with this one remaining short rest reliant.

Frost - I honestly don’t think getting +1 to Strength-based stuff is that OP. The dumb thing is that this gives you advantage on skill checks with two skills passively. Animal Handling and Intimidation aren’t amazing but they aren’t useless either.

Cloud - Again two skills you get Advantage on, but Slight of Hand and Deception are more situational. Redirecting an attack is also situational; can be strong but you need a target to redirect it to among other things. Also one of the more balanced runes.

Stone - By far the best passive boost combined with by far the worst active ability, but that isn’t to say that a 1 minute pseudo-banish is useless.

Storm - Alert on a stick? Advantage on a skill you’re probably going to be making a lot of skill checks for (as an Intelligence character)? TEN CHARGES OF THE LUCKY FEAT? Excluding the zillion and one other synergies with this rune (hey do you want your Rogue to sneak attack completely for free) being able to screw with hit percentages is a quick way to break encounters in 5e.

IMO the Fire, Frost, and Cloud runes are fine. The Stone rune is a bit too strong passively but I think it would be balanced if it gave advantage to something other than Insight. Hill and Storm are way too strong though: Hill should be limited to Long Rests and Storm should be outright reworked.

Other than that Defensive Runes is OP but it’s probably going to be limited to a number of times equal to your Intelligence mod (akin to Artificer.)

MONK

Woo boy here we go.

WAY OF MERCY

The big problem with this subclass is that it’s extremely weak early but insanely strong late. A melee range Healing Word (d4 + WIS) is insanely underwhelming but 20 charges of Cure Wounds that you can use while also attacking 3 times is ridiculous.

Oh and you know what’s especially ridiculous? Doing 4d10 damage to an enemy that’s incapacitated or poisoned! Hands of Harm is conceptually meh but with the triple damage to incapacitated enemies this suddenly lets a Monk pump out 16d10 damage for 5 Ki points (which they get back on a Short Rest!) To put this into perspective Psychic Scream does 14d6 damage - less die rolled and a smaller die size! Yeah yeah “but Psychic Scream is AoE and stuns!” doesn’t stop the fact that this subclass is doing a 9th level spell’s worth of damage.

Noxus Aura is conceptually stupid and makes a class that’s already hard to kill with ranged attacks near-impossible to kill with ranged attacks. Healing Technique lets you cast a second level spell along with your first level spell every turn but I suppose it’s situational. And Hand of Mercy? Oh okay 20 days of being unable to move and being damage immune.

This subclass is a complete mess and while I’m fine with a healer Monk it shouldn’t also double as one of the strongest DPS classes in the game. “It uses a lot of Ki points” yes but Ki points come back on a short rest. You shouldn’t have four 9th level spells per short rest.

WAY OF THE ASTRAL SELF

Honestly I think this subclass is fine with the exception of how many attacks it gets, which completely screws with action economy, average hit percentages, and just general DPS. No class should be able to outright ignore one of its earlier features because a new feature it gets is just objectively better, and Astral Self gets to ignore Flurry of Blows because it has it 24/7. I get that they wanted to recreate the JoJo Stand Rush but Monks already attack 4 times, which is more than enough.

PALADIN

Oath of the Watchers is honestly fine if a little weak. My only problem with the subclass is that it has a very Ranger-esque problem of being way too good at what it’s meant to do. (IE fight Extraplaner Threats.)

“But you said Wild Soul doing damage with its reaction was OP!” The difference is that Oath of the Watchers has limited range and is limited to spells, so unlike Wild Soul you can’t do free damage to the giant who just tried to smash you with his club.

RANGER

I’ve given my complaints about Fey Wanderer before. Basically I think the subclass is way too weak, but if they buff it up I think it would be fine. As for Swarmkeeper it’s conceptually weird but in terms of balance it’s fine.

ROGUE

I remember really disliking the Phantom Rogue but looking at it again… it’s fine? I still think the major problem with the subclass is its flavor, and while you can reflavor it decently well (I still really like the concept of a Transdimensional Trickster, playing as a foil to the Horizon Walker Ranger) I think the core concept is far too edgy for most people.

I’ve actually personally played a low level Phantom Rogue for a one shot and I think Wails from the Grave are fine if a little weak overall. I think Ghost Walk is a little OP (as you can give enemies essentially permanent disadvantage to hit you every fight, along with the ability to ignore terrain) but everything else is honestly fair.

SORCERER

I still don’t like Clockwork Soul. I think XP to Level 3 sums it up best (6:33):

Basically the early level abilities are fine but at late level you get:

An insanely high guarantee to hit your attacks (not everything at level 14 is going to have 20 AC, but if the enemy you’re fighting has 20 AC or lower you have a 100% guarantee to hit them) + a massive defensive boost (on top of your already massive defensive capabilities.)

A 9TH LEVEL HEAL SPELL FOR 7 SORCERY POINTS???

“But it’s a high level ability!” Yeah high level abilities shouldn’t be completely ass-blast bonkers. The high levels exist to be played and you can’t defend broken high level abilities with “well you won’t get to high level anyways.”

WARLOCK

My sweet darling baby Warlock. Probably doesn’t come as a surprise to people that I think both the Warlock subclasses are great, and it also probably doesn’t come as a surprise that I have personally played both of them!

Undead probably isn’t going to get in (good because I really don’t like that subclass) so let’s talk about the others:

GENIE

Currently playing a mid tier (level 8) full Genie Warlock in a campaign. First of all I want to say that I love the versatility built into this class with the four different sub-subclasses you can pick.

Anyways this subclass ironically feels like the “Warlock+” class akin to Champion Fighter (Fighter+), Open Hand Monk (Monk+), and Eloquence Bard. (Bard+) At level 3 you get a safe place to short rest (Bottled Respite) and a mini Agonizing Blast (Genie’s Wrath.) Level 6 you get three charges of non-concentration flight which is huge for a class that doesn’t get a lot of spells. Level 10 you can now get a safe short rest for your whole party. And level 14 gives you another spell slot once ever 1d4 days.

I think the roleplay opportunity with this subclass is great given the versatility between sub-subclasses and the ability to essentially carry a house with you. My only major problem with the Genie Warlock is that I find it hard to create a character who isn’t just Aladdin. I found it a lot easier to play this subclass when I started thinking of the patron as just an elemental instead of a genie specifically, but I hope Tasha’s Cauldron will come with some lore inspiration for people who want to play the Genie Warlock, because I think the subclass is very fun and well designed!

Still a little salty that my Yuumi build is outdated because of the rework to Genie, but who knows I might make a Unity Domain Yuumi when Tasha’s Cauldron comes out.

LURKER IN THE DEEP

I took a 6 level dip in this subclass for a Bardlock awhile ago. I will say I love this subclass but again ironically my only major complaint with the subclass is that it focuses too much on its theme. I would’ve much rather preferred a general “summoner” Warlock, but I acknowledge that Warlock subclasses don’t really work like that. So a Kraken Patron is honestly fine for this concept, and I can tolerate all the strange fish-related abilities while reflavoring the subclass.

WIZARD

I’m not a big fan of the Order of the Scribes, since I personally feel that it doesn’t really fulfill the “living spellbook” theme.

I have a few small complaints about the class’ features: I don’t like that the subclass is able to replace the damage type of a spell completely liberally. (Sorcerers have to use Sorcery Points and Metamagic to do that?) I also think the level 14 ability is rather underwhelming, but that can be fixed.

Other than that I think the subclass is conceptually fine? But I still feel like there’s more you can do with the theme.

TL;DR

I’m very worried about the following classes:

Mind Sharpener Artificer Infusion (You shouldn’t be able to lose concentration twice.)

Wild Soul Barbarian (Every single ability that this subclass gets is overpowered and I’m really worried about this Wild Magic Spellslot Battery Clown Fiesta subclass.)

Way of Mercy Monk (Comedically overpowered with the highest DPS of any Monk subclass along with massive healing output and a TWENTY DAY LONG PARALYSIS?!)

Clockwork Soul Sorcerer (Late game abilities are OP.)

I am mildly worried about the following classes:

Armorer Artificer (Having such liberal access to Heavy Armor is a bit too strong imo.)

Rune Knight Fighter (I think some of the runes need a major rework, and I’d like more of a focus to be put on the Giant’s Might ability.)

Way of the Astral Self Monk (Too many attacks.)

Oath of the Watchers Paladin (It’s a little too good at fighting extraplanar threats.)

I am disappointed with the following classes:

Fey Wanderer Ranger (I think the abilities are really weak compared to existing Rangers, and considering we’re talking about Ranger that’s saying a lot.)

Order of the Scribes Wizard (I think there’s more you can do with the concept.)

And everything else is fine.

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 8

Once again- live blogging my thoughts and reactions in one post to avoid spamming.

So this is how the FBI gets their hands on Vanya, huh? Seems most fan theories were wrong.

Oh, Sissy's last name is Cooper!

I did wonder about that -how did remember her name despite forgetting everything else? If she knew her name then she should have been able to remember other little fragments.

Of course the feds focus on the fact that her name is Russian. Cold war bullshit. I guess they think she's a spy or since Russian sleeper soldier or something.

"I'm not Russian" -you kinda are though 😅 Tatiana was Russian and gave birth to you in Moscow sooo...

DID VANYA JUST SPEAK RUSSIAN?!

Is that one of the 7 languages that Reggie all the siblings or....? Does it... Does it have something to do with her powers or her birth place?

"simple-minded boy"? FUCK YOU.😠

"communist threat" there it is 🙄

Oh no, she's losing her cool. Here come the powers... I keep wondering how she does that 'sucking the life' out of someone thing. 🤔

That's a lot of puke.

Poor Five, he's starting to crack under the stress.

Why is Ben gagging? He's dead, he shouldn't be able to feel or smell the puke.

Loving Robert's real curls starting to show.

"I regret nothing" -hmm.... Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

"there's a giant dead white boy on my couch" 😆

"Oh, I see. It's gonna be one of those kind of nights, huh? So are we burning or burying?" -this is why I love Klaus! He doesn't even flinch, he doesn't care what happened, he doesn't ask, he just immediately decides that he's going to help his sister get rid of a dead body like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Although, it would be interesting if Klaus actual saw the Swede ghosts too. I just want Klaus to be seeing ghosts everywhere again, ok? I want that struggle from season 1 to be brought back and not swept under the rug for plot convenience. As a writer, if you make something an important character trait, you stick with it and they haven't done that with Klaus, they are half-assing his struggle with his powers.

It's the Swede really going to...? Oh good, saved by the cat.

Oh! So that's what "lavender" means! I was right, it was the perfume, it was probably obvious but I'm a little dumb.

Ah! Lila is trying to hire Diego for the Commission???

Diego is so confused.

"colorful history" sounds so wrong and sexual 😣

Diego is so full of bullshit. His loyalties absolutely lie with his family, he's just too defensive to admit it.

Reginald FRAMED Pogo's family drawing? So he's a better dad to the chimp than his own kids, huh?

THE TELEVATOR!!!!!!! PLANS FOR THE TELEVATOR!!!! I love comic references, please tell me we'll see a real televator in the show!

So Reggie really is planning something about JFK...

"are you involved in something nefarious?" "Quite often. Did you have something more specific in mind?" -at least he owns it 😆

"shaggy man" -ah! Poor Diego!

Reggie really loves this Grace, huh? But she has a point.

Five is losing it a bit, huh?

The baby powder 🤣

"I have to find myself" -RIGHT! I was wondering when this would come up! Old!Five was there for the JFK thing so Five just has to find his old self and his briefcase in order to correct all this mess. More comic references!

"arguably the most dangerous assassin in the time-space continuum" -DAMN RIGHT 💯

"paradox psychosis" 🤣I know it's supposed to be super serious but the symptoms are so funny...

"a spotter? What is that? Like a wingman?" 😆 This parallels that "Body man? What's that? Like a masseuse?" line in s02e02 where Five is the confused one.

Five, do you really think your brother can stop you if you spiral? Because I don't.

Luther doesn't have a great attention span, does he?

Harlan's drawing is interesting... I get a feeling it's important.

Shit, they are torturing Vanya!! This is so bad!

LSD? LSD?????? No, that's a terrible idea with her powers!!!

Eeeewwwww the eyeballs! 👁️

That's a hell of a bad trip... The way the music makes with the visuals reminds me of my synesthesia though.

Oh! So this is where the scene of all the adult siblings in the Academy uniforms is from!!! (I remember someone saying it was Diego dreaming of having a drugged hallucination in the asylum, they were pretty close! It's Vanya drugged by the FBI instead!)

"I get you" -that is not the face of a person that gets this at all, Luther!

"Don't freak out." -like that ever worked 😆

Lila trying to have her cake and eat it too with her mom and Diego.

That informational video 🤣🤣🤣

Free coffee! Weekly donuts* (*fees apply)! Wow, so tempting 😒

"whatever your skill, education, or comfort level with moral ambiguity (...)" 😆

Are the Fives just having a staring contest? 🤣🤣

Ah! How can Five be bitchy and aggressive to HIMSELF 😆

"all those years on the apocalypse, we never stopped working about our family." -why does Luther look so damn surprised to hear this?? Why the hell does he think Five is doing so this for?!

Wow, Five is really bitter about his body, isn't he? He's making old!Five so nervous 😅

Oops, there's stage 4 for old!Five!

And there's stage 3 as well and stages 5 and 6 for little!Five.

I get a feeling Five doesn't really have the accurate calculations, he's just lying and using the originals.

"I don't trust him!" -he's... He's you...14 days ago! How do you not trust yourself?

"but he's you" "exactly" 🤣🤣🤣

I'm so afraid how what Diego is going to do. I get a feeling hell fuck up trying to be a misguided hero again...

"I'm Diego. I have a knife." 😆

"it's very shiny" 🤣

So Diego is a legend, huh? 😏

"there's been a coup d'etat" "what's that? Cadillac?" -don't play dumb, Diego, I don't believe for a single second that you don't know what a coup is.

So the new apocalypse WAS Vanya's fault but by proxy (actually more the FBI's fault), she was just a small domino. So literally the only one that didn't actively do anything to impact the timeline ends up being the one doing the most damage (again)? PLOT TWIST!

Oh no, DON'T GET ANY IDEAS ABOUT YOUR SISTER, DIEGO! YOU SAW HOW BADLY THAT ENDED LAST TIME!

No, I refuse to believe "she will always be the bomb" 😠😠😠😠

LOL, hi, Dot!

NO! LUTHER, YOU MORON! DON'T GIVE HIM ALL THAT INFO! YOU'LL CHANGE EVERYTHING AND CEASE TO EXIST!!!

These dumb siblings exhaust me

"little jerk-off" -why are you insulting yourself, you weirdo? 😆

Old!Five with all the PP symptoms and yet he says he never felt better in his life 🤣

"you're getting paranoid" -you both are, and sweaty, itchy and gassy. All that's missing is the homicidal rage at this point 😅

Vanya's hallucination shows us a twisted paranoid view she has of her siblings and it's very interesting:

-Ben is protective, defends her, he can do no harm, probably because he died young so nostalgia blurs her memory of him

-Allison defends her but is also arrogant and condescending, speaking as if she's implying that Vanya is weak, probably because Vanya feels that Allison is perfect and has an inferiority complex

-Luther is just as arrogant and looks down her, calling her lazy, but does so without malice (more mockery than anger)

-Klaus is accusing and suspicious but still on the fence and excitable, probably reflecting Vanya's own doubts and how she herself sees Klaus

-Five just stares, judging and silent but unable to look away, probably because she trusts him but she also doesn't know him, there's the same nostalgia effect as Ben but because Five came back (to stop her) the inferiority and fear of judgement is still there

-Diego is completely different, awkward and detached, this one is the most interesting because he's one of the people that was most vocal and mean against her in season 1 but apparently she sees a kindred spirit in him to an extent, either that or she fears she means nothing to him

Maybe I'm overanalyzing again...

I totally predicted the dishes would be brains but it's still gross.

Ew, the chewing... 😫 It's giving me the creeps.

Why is she seeing Harlan's drawing? She was gone already when he made that particular drawing (I knew it would be important), is she connected to him now??

And how does she remember her own birth??

Holy shit, Harlan is feeling Vanya's pain!!!😲😲😲

"why are people so much heavier when they're dead?" "You got a lot of practice at this?" 😅

Ben and Klaus conversation actually makes me feel a bit better about the possession but it makes no sense at all 🤣

Poor Ray keeps meeting in-laws in the weirdest situations 🤣🤣🤣🤣 his face! 🤝

Ray is having a nervous breakdown 😣 poor guy...

The moment Lila notices Diego is missing, the intercom chimes "Loyalty isn't a choice, it's a lifestyle" and if that isn't foreshadowing for Lila choosing sides then I don't know what is.

This is a really painful way for Vanya to recover her memories but it's so well done!

Holy shit... 😳

Klaus asking the real question here. She's being tortured, Klaus, go help!!!

HOLY SHIT! HARLAN HAS VANYA'S POWERS NOW?!

No, no, no,no, no, no nononononono! This is so bad! A child with a disorder that makes emotions hard to regulate suddenly having an apocalyptic level of power that connects directly to emotion is just a recipe for disaster!

[thegraysquirrel]

Self-Promotion Sunday

For self-promotion Sunday from @mouseymightymarvellous , I would like to bring the following to your attention:

*scrambles to search for anything useful to promote* 

Oh! There was that one time I was making a promotional speech for Obito in the hypothetical situation of Obito in his prime (no Rinnegan though) fighting Shisui in his prime in hopes of convincing people to vote for Obito instead of Shisui! Below the cut, you will find all 3600 words of it... Because go big or go home.

(If I knew how the hell I would put this on AO3, I so would. But. Tags? Format? okay format would be easy probably I have no idea how to get this on there. Title? I know how to jump literal hurdles but I draw the line at figurative hurdles.)

One last thing! You might be asking, “Why?!” and I would shrug. In reality, I don’t like that Shisui’s Kotoamatsukami is regarded as unbeatable in the Naruto ‘verse. Everything should have a weakness and I just exploited my love for Obito as a character to throw him at Shisui and it worked remarkably well.

I will title this: 

Why Obito (who fell through literal cracks and out of reality as he knew it while regarded as dead last and then dead first) Would Beat Shisui (the legend, the martyr, the Uchiha genius that seemed to have it all in terms of skills and abilities)

Okay so I have thoughts and I have to live up to my “commenting disaster” name so here goes. If you ever wanted to know how authors could feel when they got a comment from me, then buckle in. (wow this turned out to be about 2 full AO3 comments, yes, this is exactly how writers will feel upon seeing my comments in their inbox!)

I think it’s a wild guess that Shisui would have been able to manipulate the complete Uchiha clan through Fugaku.

SHISUI’S JUTSU AND WHAT I THINK OF IT

SHISUI’S LIMITATIONS AND LACK OF EXPERIENCE WITH KOTOAMATSUKAMI I don’t think Shisui’s ability has ever been countered or met his match in the short time he spent on the pages of the manga. Shisui doesn’t know how to tell if someone is fighting the manipulation, and he CAN’T know for sure that no one could. Considering he could use it once every ten years and he is younger than Genma, he hasn’t even got a lot of practise with it. He’ll have used it, what, once? So let’s say he used it twice, since he’s got two eyes. 

That’s TWO instances in which he used it—are you honestly telling me that his technique is unstoppable because he used it twice with no one countering? I’m not buying this. We don’t know the limits, and Shisui sure as hell doesn’t either. 

(I’ll admit, maybe it’s 10 years because the crow does not share the Uchiha blood. We can say Shisui could not use it for 2 years for the sake of Shisui, y’know… being able to build a reputation with it. I think Shisui had his Kotoamatsukami when Itachi was 5 years old, so he had it for about 8 years = 8 or 16 attempts, IF he spams his technique the second it comes off cooldown like us gamers do. Otherwise, he used it TWICE at most)

PEOPLE SAY “THIS JUTSU IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT/THIS DEFENSE IS MORE SOLID THAN A ROCK” AND WERE PROVEN WRONG Do I think everyone has the potential to beat Shisui’s genjutsu? Hell no. But we CAN’T just buy the people’s words for it when we have so little data and they actually have little data too. The people Shisui used it on probably weren’t even a challenge in the genjutsu department. Here’s my thoughts about when people say something about a jutsu being *waves hand* without weakness. 

Gaara was said to have Absolute Defence and Sasuke managed to penetrate it when he was a Genin and everyone was like “Whaaaat he got through the Absolute Defence how is that possible??”

In chapter 257, Kakashi says “There is no cancelling the effects of [Itachi’s Tsukuyomi],” but Sasuke still managed to do so later with an ordinary sharingan. Kakashi’s sharingan prowess in dealing with Itachi’s mangekyou sharingan were inferior to that of this particular Uchiha. Sasuke did it by putting a genjutsu on himself to break free of the former genjutsu.

I’m sure there are more instances when jutsus are called “impossible to defeat” only for someone to go in and say, “bitch, watch me prove you wrong.” Naruto did it with the 3rd Raikage, in a way. “Impossible to defeat” means nothing. 

The only thing we have for Shisui’s eye-technique to be unstoppable is his and everyone’s beliefs that it’s flawless. But really, if Itachi’s powerful Tsukuyomi could be broken by an individual Uchiha, then why can’t Shisui’s have flaws that can be exploited (by another Uchiha)? When fighting an Uchiha and it’s one on one, flee, is Chiyo’s advice—unless you are also an Uchiha, I amend, even if your eyes are still basic instead of the premium version. 

CLOSER LOOK ON SHISUI’S VICTIMS Follow me on this wild speculation. (If you’re still reading, you rock!) It was said that a different person would need to question the one under the genjutsu for them to even consider the possibility of being manipulated. Let’s also list off the people we know or assume have been under Shisui’s eye’s manipulation:

Bloody Mist ninjas

More Bloody Mist ninjas

Probably ninjas from other villages they were at war with (I honestly don’t know)

Probably the Elders via Danzo (I’m vague on the details, but very likely right?)

The Daimyo via Danzo (wow that was really a challenge to influence him. Someone without ninja skills.)

Mifune via Danzo

Edo Tensei Itachi via crow instructed by Itachi (well, the eye was instructed by Itachi)

If I look at the list, I’m not seeing anyone who would give Shisui (or the holder of Shisui’s eye) a challenge, especially as Itachi got under control willingly. Just like Kakashi had no trouble fighting Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto in the first bell test, Shisui is on a level most people will never be able to reach.

The last one is the only one we know used on an Uchiha. We can’t actually conclude much or anything from it because Itachi orchestrated the Kotoamatsukami, but it was Itachi himself to make note of the manipulation. He was aware of the genjutsu. So the manipulation was noted.

MY CONCLUSION ON SHISUI He’s got the greatest genjutsu, but here’s the thing—he doesn’t know how to fight against other geniuses of genjutsu. It’s the same with eSports, when you are the best by far, you don’t get the experience against the people who match your skill, and that means you get rusty (YES I stole these words right from of a player in the LCS of League of Legends, be happy that I didn’t throw KICK a soccer metaphor at you) and since this tournament I’m arguing for is a knock-out, any mistake can cost you the tournament. His genjutsu is revered as the best, that it can’t be broken, but other jutsus that have been called flawless have been shown to have flaws that could be exploited. Shisui doesn’t have enough experience to have found them out himself. Shisui will win if his Kotoamatsukami works 100% on the enemy, but it’s less sure if the enemy breaks (partly) free.

But who could possibly have a chance of breaking free from it?

*RECORD SCRATCH* (In my document I had the following in a very big font. I miss my big font. ;-;)

MY ARGUMENTS FOR WHY OBITO CAN BREAK FREE FROM KOTOAMATSUKAMI (And why he can win it)

GENJUTSU AND MANIPULATION Obito is not just passing with genjutsu, he’s GOOD, because he was able to even control Yagura—a perfect Jinchuriki, someone who has a built-in pacemaker, but then a pacemaker for when the brain zones out of reality and needs to come back. He managed to somehow convince everyone that he was Uchiha Madara and he double-crossed the actual Madara too—this dude knows how manipulation works, even if that alone obviously won’t help him against a genjutsu of manipulation (it’s a good thing he’s got his own mangekyou sharingan, otherwise he’d definitely be toast). Still thought it worth mentioning. 

I hear you say, “Madara manipulated him!”

Actually, no, I don’t think he did?

Hot take: (I don’t know enough of the general consensus to know if it is a hot take) Obito was NOT manipulated by Madara.

Madara manipulated the situations, but Obito remained true to himself in reacting to them. Whether it would have been Madara’s super evil plan to kill Rin or if it had been The Leaf’s own incompetence at sending kids into dangerous territory (resulting in the deaths of said kids because the system is SHIT), Obito would have reacted the same. 

Yes, Madara is evil for playing with people’s lives like a kid does with blocks to build a structure, but Madara’s involvement isn’t important to the outcome. I think that Madara was unable to “genjutsu bullshit” his way into Obito’s mind, otherwise Madara would have hella secured Obito’s actions already. If Obito could have been influenced by “genjutsu suggestions”, no way in hell would Madara have simply kept asking Obito angrily, “Bring me to life, Obito, I hate being dead. I can’t become the Juubi’s jinchuuriki like this, Obito. Bring. Me. To. Life. (Wake me up.)”

Madara, feared by the world, didn’t use genjutsu on Obito from what we saw. He fell back on manipulating the circumstances for Obito, and the only reason I can think of that is because Obito isn’t susceptible to Madara’s suggestive genjutsu. 

Every time I watch the Obito and Madara episode, I just see Madara spouting words and Obito indulging the old man until he can get out of here. In my interpretation, the words have nothing to latch onto. When Obito returns, it’s his own choice. Madara’s and Obito’s interests aren’t aligning as much as Madara would like, and as such, Obito remains more than just Madara’s pawn.

OBITO IS HELLA STUBBORN (OOPS AND MANIPULATION AGAIN) ANYWAY, if ANYONE would be able to find a flaw in Shisui’s eye technique, Obito would. HECK, he even managed to keep his mind sound when the Juubi was driving him crazy. Like, that anime sequence when his limbs were torn apart? That thing. This dude got willpower and a stubbornness to follow the path he wants to take even if it’s really a dumb path. I might be easily swayed and manipulated, but Obito is not. Shisui wouldn’t even need his eyes to sway me, but on Obito he would need to give his 100% and, again, I’m not sure Shisui has ever been pushed to his limit, and he ALSO thinks that he’s impossible to beat so he’s not even going to give it his 100% (he might think he is, but you’ll only know how fast you can run when you’re chased by something you really don’t want catching up to you or if your alarm went off too late and you really need to be on time). Against Obito, it’s a flaw for Shisui’s ability that it’s about manipulating his decision, because Obito is a master of manipulation himself. He knows what Madara did to him. He fought the Juubi. Obito would walk into a tree rather than change his mind about what path he should walk.

OBITO HAS EXPERIENCE Obito at his prime also has a lot more experience with his ability, he knows his own limitations and how to use it as a part of himself. He can use it multiple times, he can use it in ways Shisui would not expect... Shisui would need to figure it out fast, and I think Obito at his prime (TWO Kamui sharingan) just has too many tricks up his sleeve for even Shisui of the Body Flicker to keep up with. 

MY SLEEP DEPRIVED CONCLUSION ON OBITO What I think Obito has: he got the stubbornness + sharingan skillz for weakening Shisui’s genjutsu on himself enough or maybe even completely repel it so Obito can actually still do things + Obito’s own mad skillzzz with Kamui. Shisui loses. 

TO CONCLUDE

I’ve got a lot of fanon thoughts (or maybe just my personal fix-it for canon) on Obito that I won’t unpack here (it’s that Obito is actually a genius himself even if it never showed clearly in his years pre-sharingan) because, hey, people don’t like reading 1k of random shizzle when they just want to vote for their boy Shisui! But please give Obito a chance because I feel he actually has a chance!

TL;DR 

Shisui has never been challenged in his abilities (especially not by an Uchiha). He won’t know what his all-out is for this, so he won’t go all-out 

Abilities have been called flawless before only for someone to be “hold my beer” and fuck them up. Case in point: Sasuke practically made Gaara cry

There’s been precedent of an Uchiha with normal sharingan getting out of what is hailed as one of the best genjutsus whereas no one without     sharingan would be able to do that alone (or at all)

Unlike Sasuke at that point, Obito has been a master of genjutsu and has a mangekyou sharingan at the point of fighting 

Obito knows what manipulation is and has even kept to his sanity* when the Juubi was tearing him apart. He has manipulated practically everyone, including a perfect jinchuuriki. He will be able to find a flaw in Shisui’s jutsu because he’s too stubborn to change his mind enough about yeeting (parts of) himself to his Kamui dimension when there’s danger

Obito knows his own ability like the back of his hand, including limitations, so Shisui will have a hard time fighting Obito if his own Kotoamatsukami isn’t winning the fight for him. 

*Okay, so maybe Obito isn’t completely sane, but Sakura wasn’t either when she fought off a jutsu working on the mind. I think Obito’s instability even gives him a cookie point

PLEASE GIVE OBITO A CHANCE I EVEN TALKED MY POOR SISTER’S EAR OFF DURING DINNER BECAUSE OF THIS

LET HER SACRIFICE NOT BE IN VAIN

 ---

(Counterarguments with my own reply I put in that document)

Honestly Great Argumenter for Shisui: my counter argument: Shisui is known as the ultimate uchiha genjutsu master. And hes also the best looking. ;)

         Me: In reply to greatest genjutsu master-- Would you say that Itachi was a greater genjutsu master than Sasuke? Because Sasuke broke free from ITACHI'S genjutsu. I'm not saying that Obito would put Shisui under a genjutsu--it's just that Shisui's genjutsu wouldn't hold as well as it normally would, and that might be enough already.

         HGAS: Shisui would still be faster than obito if we take genjutsu out of the equation completely Minato was able to almost kill obito due to speed so that can't be discounted. Obito had to retreat from his fight with minato.          Me: How old was Obito? 14? (Kakashi and Obito are both 31 at the end of Shippuuden, and Naruto’s birthday is in October, so Obito would have turned 32 in the following February of the war, and THIS means that Obito was 14 during the fight against Minato too, because Kakashi was 14 at the time of Naruto’s birth but Naruto timelines are terrible) I hardly call that his prime! And against Shisui, Obito will have two Kamui, whereas against Minato, he only had one. The fight would be different, I feel.

---

YO BECAUSE I STILL GOT TIME HERE I WILL ADD TO THIS. I warned you, if you feel confused where this is all coming from, you’re probably feeling the exact same things Mumma does at some of my Konoha Files comments. This is how I roll. AND PLEASE IF YOU WANT TO TALK KONOHA FILES HIT ME UP because I’ve got a lot more thoughts on that than on Obito vs Shisui!

EXPERIENCE Shisui graduated any age between 6 and 12, but we know that about two years later, he met Itachi who was 5, and 8 years later he died (I think he died when Itachi was 13 because there was more time between Shisui’s death and the other Uchihas’ deaths). Shisui died when he was between 16 and 22. (I am not familiar with the book canon!)

This means Shisui had at most 10-11 years of experience as a ninja. Yes, one year after graduating he got the Kotoamatsukami, so he got 10 years TOPS with his Mangekyou Sharingan which had a freaking long timer of usage in between, regardless of how many years we put it as; 10 years, 2 years, Shisui would have kept that ace up his sleeve so he would not spam the ability the second it came off cooldown.

Obito graduated when he was 9. At his prime he was 31 years old. That’s 22-23 years of experience for Obito as a ninja! He got his mangekyou sharingan when he was, what, 14 (at the end of shippuuden he is 31, and Kakashi is 31 too, so they might have been the same age—and then the Kyuubi summoning was when he was 14)? That’s 17 years of experience with his Mangekyou sharingan. 

Obito will have had way more battles with his ability than Shisui, way more opponents that would challenge his way of using his ability so Obito KNOWS what his flaws are. He knows what it will be like to fight against someone with kamui! He fought Minato and knows how the Flying Thunder God/teleportation can be used against him (and that was when he had his Mangekyou sharingan for less than a year!). In his battles, even when he was mostly forced to stay in the normal dimension because he needed to get his hands on someone, he has shown that he can slip body parts into his dimension even when he is attacked from all sides. His reaction time is solid (even if he is not because... dimension stuff).

Conclusion: Obito has more years of experience than Shisui at fighting with his mangekyou and more moments of figuring out his own limits and flaws and adjust his fighting style to minimize them. Obito has also had more momentous fights to test out his own abilities, including The 3rd Mizukage, The Fourth Hokage, Copy Ninja Kakashi with Kamui himself, other Uchihas during the Uchiha massacre (they count), Konan, Naruto and Killer B. Seriously, he’s more well-rounded than Shisui!

---

THE MIST Shisui fought ninjas, soldiers of the Mist and was feared by them. Obito won from the strongest ninja of the Mist, the Mizukage who was also a FREAKING PERFECT JINCHUURIKI and kept him under his control for YEARS. I know which feat I think is more admirable. 

SPEED Shisui is hailed for his speed, but the Body Flicker is said “To an observer, it appears as if the user has teleported. It is accomplished by using chakra to temporarily vitalise the body and move at extreme speeds.” Obito has FOUGHT Minato, who actually is able to teleport. This was 17 years ago!!! Obito has improved because he was just a fledgling who even had to figure out how his new arm worked!!! Yes, Shisui is faster than Obito, but Shisui will not be fast enough to pulverize Obito. Don’t forget, the kamui sharingan has the added benefits of being able to predict the opponent’s movements, see chakra, so Shisui’s speed advantage is diminished against any Uchiha.

OBITO’S TECHNIQUE Shisui has no idea what Obito’s technique could be and honestly, passing through him mid-fight is already a scary thought, just think how disappearing from sight and appearing could be. Heck, Obito could probably even be in his own dimension, spit fire, and then long-range Kamui it back to the dimension where Shisui is. The precision of it can be worth speculating, but if Obito can appear on a branch of a tree, then he sure as hell can know where exactly he’d send his fireball jutsu. He just does. He’s got the spatial awareness of the overlap between his own dimension and the one Shisui recedes in. And how would Shisui counteract this attack, huh? He can’t body flicker to Obito’s dimension.

Even if Obito stays in the dimension Shisui is in, Shisui won’t be able to exploit the weaknesses. It took Konan a long time to know what the timer for Obito’s ability was, and Konan had her own ability to exploit that weakness. From what we know of Uchihas fight styles, I am having a hard time figuring out what Shisui could do to exploit Obito’s timer—and that’s only if he can figure it out, which he won’t. No one but Konan has found out about that particular tid bit, to my knowledge.

Let’s say Shisui got a hit on Obito. A hit means contact and he gets sucked to the other dimension. Afterwards, Obito would return to the dimension with food and eat while Shisui starves. Win. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details, but the people who have managed to get a hit on Obito when Obito could use kamui (Remember! Obito could not use kamui when he was the Juubi jinchuuriki!):

Minato with his Flying Thunder God move when Obito was new to kamui, to his arm, and only had his right eye kamui and not his left

Kakashi but that was when he was in the other dimension while Obito was still fighting Naruto. Since Obito vs Shisui is a 1v1, this won’t happen

Kakashi because he used his OWN kamui to get a kunai to Obito. Uhuh, Kakashi got a lot of hits mostly because Kakashi had kamui.

Kakashi again, but that was because it would be hella stupid to phase out to the dimension that had a war going on.

Konan (she was so badass)

I honestly don’t remember more, do you?

Shisui is amazing with his body flicker, really, but Obito can dodge left and right. Shisui won’t get a hit on him unless Obito allows it, because Obito got the damn experience!

With two kamui’s, Obito’s transportation (himself and of others he holds on to) is faster, as we’ve seen when Obito and Kakashi worked together to move Obito to his own dimension. Obito’s speed has increased with two kamui’s. 

SHISUI’S TECHNIQUE Shisui is a softy. I’m sorry, but he is. Aoba lived to tell the tale because Shisui wanted to scare them off with his genjutsu instead of killing them. Danzo was put under a genjutsu by Shisui and Shisui thought it was enough even when the genjutsu was done (and then Danzo managed to take an eye of BODY FLICKER SHISUI, so hey, his speed ain’t gonna be the end of it all). Shisui relies on his genjutsu deterring people—that’s obviously going to be his go-to move, and it means he can be caught off-guard when it’s not as effective.

He’s good at Taijutsu (or at least, he would win every spar against Itachi but Itachi was 3-9 years younger, so…), but even Taijutsu master Gai didn’t manage to land a hit on Obito when he used his nunchucks--would Shisui really be able to do what Taijutsu master Gai could not? 

Another TL;DR

Shisui simply doesn’t have the tools against an Uchiha as experienced as Obito. Obito’s ability is a different kind of OP than Shisui’s because Obito knows how to use it as a part of him, whereas Shisui’s ability is something he has relied on very heavily because no one has countered it yet. Obito will find the weakness in Shisui’s “strongest” genjutsu and be able to win from Shisui because of all the battle experience against talented individuals Obito has had. Obito managed to unite the five nations all on his own, he was THAT powerful.

We’ve said before that Shisui is on a different level from practically everyone, but honestly?

Obito stares down on Shisui from his god tier level 

*mic drop*

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 50

The past week has been an abominably wild ride. I’m in the U.S, and we have had entirely too many shooting recently.  Add to that the fact that our election season is starting to ramp up, and the vitriol is spewing at work.  I’m a very opinionated person when it comes to politics and human rights (this really shouldn’t be a surprise if you’ve followed this far), and I try to keep the majority of it out of this story and off this blog.  That said, I’m down for some discourse if any of you want to message me.

Moving to the actual story: This chapter gives a bit of insight into where the story is going next, plus some of the background stuff I always have cluttering up my head.  It always gives me good material to show the different personalities and skill sets of the main and secondary characters.  Overall, I really like how this chapter turned out.

And don’t worry - that difficult conversation is coming very soon.

I managed to compose myself by the time the men came into my sister’s public room, but only just.  I hardly noticed the jostling on the couch as Tyche refused to move from my side and allow Maverick and Conor to sandwich me in between them like usual.  She elbowed me to get my attention, and only then did I realize that she was still sitting next to me. Maverick on my other side, with Conor on the floor leaning against mine and Maverick’s legs.

Antoine looked so amused at the situation, I thought he might explode. When I arched an eyebrow at him, he just shook his head and settled into the one perfectly empty chair.  “So, the festival?” he ventured.

Thank you for the safe ground, I thought before responding. “Overall, huge success.  I still have to debrief with Alistair tomorrow, but preliminary reports are pretty good.  There was a minor kerfluffle with a vendor before everything got set up, but we got that resolved pretty tidily.  I think so, at least.”

Tyche shook her head. “I don’t recall any vendor issues.”

“Exactly,” I pointed out. “Originally, there was going to be a location that specialized in a certain pork product, and Alistair caught it when the vendor wanted to be stationed where the Jainist cuisine ended up being.”

“But that was between….” Maverick trailed off, horrified. Conor’s shoulders shook with laughter, resulting in getting a swat on both shoulders – one from the pilot, one from my sister.  “Dude, it’s not funny!  That’s just deliberately being rude.  You don’t put pork between two groups who have religious prohibitions against it!”

Conor held his hands up in surrender. “I’m laughing at the tongue-lashing our Sophie probably gave the poor sod, I swear!”

“Actually, I didn’t.” Four heads turned to stare at me in disbelief. “Seriously. It was so much worse than you’re thinking, but I managed not to chew anyone out… much.  Remember all the gourmet bacon that was everywhere at the festival?  That was the guy.  For whatever reason, the vendor and Simon thought there was nothing wrong with having a bacon-themed stall.”

“At the same event that was intended to help everyone recover from the attack on the ship by a certain terrorist group?” Antoine asked quietly, in a tone that I had learned meant he was boiling mad.

“Yep,” I popped the last consonant in emphasis.  “I called him, pointed out how tasteless it was, and we decided instead to let the other alcoves feature the wares. To his credit, it never even crossed his mind that it was a bad idea. He was focused on the flavor list, and the vendor was focused on showing off like everyone else was.”

He nodded thoughtfully as my sister spoke. “So, the bacon gets out there, in the best possible way, without anyone being distracted by the connotation.”

“Pretty much. And, honestly? I think that particular vendor got better coverage than anyone else at the event… that stuff was everywhere.  Maple and bacon donuts, chocolates with candied bacon, on burgers, wrapped around seafood, you name it.”

“And that was the only vendor issue?” she asked.

I nodded, before switching gears. “Now, I want to hear about the low-stim portion of the event.  I have the official reports from everyone, and Alistair is going to give the highlights tomorrow, but I want to get an idea from you three how it plays against the regular session.”  Automatically, I started playing with Conor’s hair, just because it was by my hand. I had no idea how many times I had done that in the past, but I was very conscious of it right now.

Maverick spoke up, snapping me out of my distracted thoughts. “Well, it was a lot calmer, better lit, pretty much as intended.  With a very few exceptions, the vendors were much more relaxed during the low-stimulus session, too. I think that had a positive impact on the attendees, since they felt less like a bother.”

“There was definitely less resistance from the vendors in regards to food preferences in the earlier portion,” Antoine added.  “In the first session, when presented with a list of foods that were not an option, they largely cooperated. However, when we went back, this dropped by an estimated thirty percent.”

“That’s disappointing,” I muttered.

Maverick reached over to squeeze my hand gently. “Hey, on the plus side, the Japanese vendor kept the natto covered the entire time.”

“That was surprisingly popular,” my sister pointed out.  “Probably the novelty, from what you two told me about it. We may need to be on the lookout for natto-eating challenges in the near future.”

I shook with revulsion before composing myself. “To be fair, there are people who do actually like it, and it’s supposed to be very nutritious.  Don’t let our bias stop you from trying it. Just… please don’t do it when either of us is around?”

Conor took that chance to jump into the conversation. “Any of the typical disturbances you would see from a big event like that? Fights, drunk and disorderlies, that kind of thing?”

“I haven’t heard anything,” I responded cautiously. “And the alcohol was limited to two drinks per attendee, non-transferable.  Even at The Undine, the drinks were low or no content after each person had their allotment.  Xiomara will have the exact data, though.”

“Oh!” Tyche grabbed my arm for attention. “The quiet rooms? Huge success. I ducked in several of them both times I was there, and even toward the end of the festival, people were really respectful of them. Any groups were small, and they kept their voices at a whisper or a very low – “ She waved her hand at the word she was looking for. “Mutter. Not mutter. The other one. But that, yeah.”

Antoine chuckled at her excitement. “Yes, the attendees were keeping the noise to a minimum, as she says. It felt very much like walking into a library. You may receive some requests to keep the rooms in place, Sophia.”

Regretfully, I shook my head.  “I wish we could, but the majority of the space we used for the festival was only loaned to us by people who actually live there.  If those people want to keep the rooms as they are, they are more than welcome to the free re-decorating, but those are still private residences.  In fact, most of the people have already moved back in.” A collective groan came from everyone in the room, Conor going so far as to bury his face in my knee out of disappointment. “The best I can do is offer the design plans freely to everyone on the Ark, and I can talk to the Council about the demand for spaces like that. Maybe we can set up a few small libraries or botanical gardens throughout the ship, if Miys is okay with it.”

“I think the botanical gardens will go over well,” Conor offered, glancing up. “Noah is fond of air-cleaning plants, it turns out.  Calls them little trooplings.”  When Maverick furrowed his brows so hard it looked like it hurt, our resident pseudo-botanist clarified. “Hujylsogox are mycogenetic, which means they evolved from fungus-like lifeforms.  Mushrooms grow in colonies, clusters, and troops.  The word’s probably not the same, but the closest the translators can get to the concept of a baby Hujylsogox is ‘troopling’.”

“But why would Miys compare plants to baby-thems?” Maverick asked, glancing around for explanation.  Tyche, Antoine, and I just stared at Conor, waiting for an explanation.

With a sigh, he continued. “Noah – or Miys – absorbs nutrients and sustenance from the air, constantly.  It has to be supplemented with rations, sure, but it’s a function they can’t control.  Miys jokes about not having a sense of smell, but they can definitely tell how clean the air is, and they’re sensitive to caustic fumes.”

“Just like the plants,” Tyche ventured.

He nodded. “It’s really similar. The plants are a bit less sensitive to things like fumes from spicy foods, though.”  Tyche and I flushed at the reminder of the time we ran Miys out of my quarters while making dinner.  Antoine smiled, but Conor roared with laughter and told the story to Maverick.

When he finished, Tyche jumped in. “In our defense, we didn’t know the smell of the chili sauce reducing would give Noah actual burns.  The fumes or vapor, or whatever you want to call it, had run a couple people off, but Noah told us before that they don’t have noses, so it never occurred to us that it would be a problem.”

“Nothing in what you just said argues against the fact that you two were deliberately cooking and eating something so spicy that people ran away and one needed treatment for burns,” Maverick pointed out.

“Miys pointed that out, too,” I admitted. “Okay, new topic, before I die of embarrassment. Festival is out of the way, so the gravity adjustment is scheduled for two days from now.”

Antoine leaned forward with laser-focus. “We need to expect increased anxiety and paranoia, along with some fatigue.”

Tyche and I nodded, while Maverick made a noise of agreement. Conor glanced around at all of us. “Okay, superbrains, tell the dumb lug what I’m not understanding here.”

I rolled my eyes at the self-assigned appellation - he had just given us a  small lecture on the similarities between Miys biology and that of a potted plant -  and gestured for Antoine, following the evening’s convention of deferring to the people with the most expertise. He nodded and explained, “The increase in gravity will only be five-percent of Earth gravity, putting the entire ship at 1.1. It is not enough for anyone to really notice, beyond some minor discomfort, as everyone has already adjusted to the initial increase to 1.05. However, our brains know something is ‘not right’ for lack of a better term.  Not necessarily wrong or dangerous, but not the same and not what we have grown to consider normal, similar to if everything was moved two centimeters to the left – just because you cannot tell exactly what changed, it does not mean you cannot tell something has changed.  This results in increased anxiety and sometimes paranoia.”

Conor nodded as it started to make sense to him. “Even knowing ahead of time that the gravity will be adjusting, it can still happen?”

I snorted violently. “Never expect people to read all their mail.”

“Good point,” he conceded.  “How many total adjustments to gravity are we going to have?”

“Ten, total,” Tyche answered as she flicked open her data pad, shrugging apologetically. “I know, I know. Family rule: no data pads on dinner nights. But I don’t have all the information memorized, and this is a good discussion.”  Scrolling through the information, she stopped and mimed tapping a screen. “Kepler 442b has half-again as much gravity as Earth, which is more than our scientists Before had initially estimated.  Its star is slightly bluer than Sol, but not quite as bright. It isn’t tidally locked, but just barely.  A year there is about three Terran months, with the days half that long. It’s also colder than Earth, due to its star being smaller, but not by much once you compensate for Terran global warming and Kepler 442b having a denser atmosphere.” She scowled up at me. “We need to name our new home, you know. I thought you were going to work on that.”

“I’ve had a lot on my plate,” I objected before sighing and slouching against the back of her couch. “But you’re right. We need to get on that. I want to do an Ark-wide poll, but I need to set the criteria and have it approved by the Council, first. Nobody actually wants to name our second chance ‘Colony McPlanetface’, and I would like to weed out the multitudinous variations of home or dirt.”

“Have people submitting ideas include a justification,” Maverick pointed out. “That will weed out a lot of people who aren’t serious, if they have to include an essay.”

I grinned widely at him, squeezing his arm in affection. “That’s a great idea, actually.  Granted, I don’t look forward to reading all those essays – even if a single-digit percent of people submit, that’s still hundreds – but at least it will limit the submissions that are intended as a joke.”  I thought for a moment. “And… if we include the criteria that the name cannot be certain words or versions of certain words, Zach can probably write a program to weed those out, as well.”  I turned to my sister and Antoine, nudging Conor gently.

“Start thinking of names we don’t want to see.  I’ll send a message to the Council tomorrow asking for their input and running the idea by them tentatively.  And whoever is keeping track, add Goldilocks to that list.  It was unoriginal to start with, and now it just feels cursed.”

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[braincoins]

Castlevania 3 Liveblog

I dumped all of this on @toxicure because they were asleep and then I decided to dump it all on all of you. 

Minor spoilers occasionally, but most of it is out of context babbling.

and now to make cryptic non spoilery comments while you sleep

such as:

Awww

and

EW

and

Oh, I was wondering about THAT. WELL THEN.

oh, someone's done well for themselves

I'm glad to see Treffy's friends continue to treat him ...well. >_>

and that Treffy continues to be a stranger to soap and water

"scribal skills" I'ma put that on my business cards

oh he gets a THE now 

Fancy fancy

OH THAT'S A MEME IMAGE

never ever thought I'd say this but I agree with Trevor

also, so many people this season who are like, "I have no name. Call me The ___"

maybe THAT'S where the "the" came from!

oh that explains Mr. Freaky Eyes then

I LOVE HER

LOVE HER

"you saw that I have a knife, right?" Oooooh someone getting snarky

y'know, for a show that's so blatant about murder and gore and violence, they're SUPER squeamish about any sort of nudity

wait that might've been a sliver of penis! QUICK GET THE BELMONTS HERE STAT!

oh, yeah, nevermind, they're getting less squeamish about it all the time

OMG THEY FOUND THEM

lesbians

is... is that one dude masturbating?

oh no it's just crazy rocking okay nevermnind

wait shit I'm starting to agree with Crazy McFuckoEyes

In this episode we find out Trevor is not stealthy

AND SYPHA IS FUCKING AMAZING but we knew that but SERIOUSLY I LOVE HER

well. talk about being a slave to fashion

Isaac would be one hell of a Pokemon Master. 

Like no one ever was.

Remind me never to put my elbows on the table or use the wrong fork. o.O

I really really really wish Alucard were here for this moment. xD

Oh, well, at least SOMEONE walked in on this self-pitying monologue

also, no surprise it was HER idea because she's awesome

what a leaden town [ba-dum TISH!]

no but seriously are they gonna try to turn it into gold?

Sypha is ENJOYING this

i love her SO MUCH my heart's gonna explode

I can't wait to see the Ifso Factso of this

OMG HE'S TOTALLY ADOPTED THEM

[snerk] wow, whipped and he KNOWS it

and speaking of whipped men...

aaaaaaand someone's just developed a BDSM kink

oh well there's where the effects budget went

the cows are like 'dude you took SO MANY SHROOMS'

Oh, and in case you forgot, Warren Ellis thinks Christianity should Aria of Swallow His Dick

omg they're a mood

also can I just say that I support guys wearing crop tops?

OMG STOP TOYING WITH MY HEART WARREN ELLIS

BELNADES AND BELMONT

also. ALSO. I want to know what Jason Isaacs thought when he was given THAT LINE.

"Okay, okay, we want you to say this the same way you'd say 'MUGGLES' or 'MUDBLOODS' or..." "Look, I did movies other than those ones. You know that, right?" "Yeah, yeah, sure whatever, just say it like MUDBLOODS." "Ugh." "YES, LIKE THAT!"

Oh no, no, no, hon. You haven't just felt useless. You've been useless.

Useless, but hot [fans self]

uh oh. See, I knew not to like that dude.

OKAY THAT IS FUCKTASTIC.

Castlevangelion?!

I SWEAR TO SYPHA IF THEY HURT HIM....

[snort] Dude is not used to being helped; Treffy is not used to helping people, it's awkward for everyone involved here.

TREFFY IS A CAT PERSON CONFIRMED

SERIOUSLY.

You thought TREVOR was the main character of "Castlevania"?

Trevor Belmont, last son of the House of Belmont: I am the main character. Sypha Belnades: [clears throat] Trevor: What? I am. Sypha: [gives him a Look (TM)] Remember that sex you were hoping to have? Trevor: No, no, you're right, she's right, Sypha's the main character. Sypha: Good brain-damaged servant. ^_^ You can have a beer now. Trevor: Thank God. Sypha: And after the beer, you can go punch some monks. Trevor: YESSSSSSSSS. And, uh... after the beer and monk-punching? [hopeful grin] Sypha: [looks him up and down] After the beer, the monk-punching, and a BATH. Trevor: Absolutely.

"I'm... I'm pretty?" This is a man who has never looked in a mirror.

Look, in Castlevania-land you're either pretty or you're some sort of horrible freak, man-wise. That's really the only two options.

You're Dracula or you're Godbrand. That's it.

omg he's pretty AND stupid

Okay I think the main message of s3 is "Men are stupid and need women to set them straight. Just be careful what KIND of woman you're obeying totally and entirely." I might be reading into things a bit. I mean, there's also... y'know... the entire rest of the plot.

wow that random guard dude has NO sword discipline whatsoever. Just waving a sword around like that? You'll take someone's knees off! Probably the guard dude in front of you!

the FUCK was that shot? It looked like we had claymation from a British kids' show for a second there

omg how are you THIS DUMB

does... does he wear a nightgown?

loosely laced like that, too?

damn, you little slut fodder for fanartists says what?

oh no. oh NO.

oh MY.

I LITERALLY JUST CHOKED ON MY COCOA

holy hell where'd she get those tits from? She must've been binding like HELL. HOW COULD YOU BREATHE?!?!?!

we're hopping between 4 different scenes: 2 are violence and 2 are sex. And I just KNOW that Pengy's gonna wake up and come out during a sex bit. I JUST KNOW IT

okay that's... that's like Katamari Hellmacy I guess 'cause What the FUQ

IT'S RAININ' MEN!

SING IT, ISAAC

Okay, look. We get to see all THIS sex, but we didn't get to see the one we REALLY WANTED? Like. Mr. Ellis. My Dude.

you're immortal and you never, in all that time, learned any combat skills? Not even in self-defense?

Isaac still leading the way in Forgemaster Fashion tho

does that thing have an eye in its crotch? Eye vagina. Vag-eye-na

OH FUCK YES LOOKIT MY BABE GO

the weird super smoothed-out combat animation is trippy tho

I have a THEORY there but I left it out 'cause I'm trying to keep the spoilers to a minimum

OH NO! THE MAD STRAWBERRY LORD TRIUMPHS?!?!?

OR NOT!!

I KNEW IT

oh no oh no I KNEW it

[has to actually clap hand over mouth so as not to wake husband]

you know... on one hand, if I'D been running this show, I'd've made that the last shot of the season because I'm an evil bitch. on the other hand, THANK SYPHA THAT IS NOT THE LAST SHOT OF THE SHOW

HELL YES THAT PIECE OF DIALOGUE

the fuck

WHERE DID YOU SEND THAT KID?! O_O

LEVEL UP! NEW SPELL UNLOCK!

DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC SAYS YOU'RE FUCKED?!?!?!

omg

will you two just go home and fuck Alucard already?

apparently everyone who dies goes to Hell.

Just. Just straight up.

ok but seriously dude the kid's okay?

OMG YOU FUCKER

good Treffy smart Treffy

[snerk] Carmilla and the lesbians like "TMI TMI TMI"

oh no honey you're not a SLAVE, you're a PET.

That's SO MUCH BETTER

and... wow. Okay. So. Yeah. Honoring our families again, I see. Yay.

THE END.

[mutantsrisingrpg]

Congratulations M! You’ve been accepted as PHOBOS.

Rahim is a skeleton that I absolutely loved writing and had a very specific image in mind while writing it. I’m not sure how you did it, but you brought that very thing to life! The first line in your bio is “A boy is a bomb.” which is really what Rahim is at the end of the day. Of course, I have to bring up the way you broke down their dossier and connected it with the fear that drives every part of his life because it truly made me feel for Rahim. I can’t wait to see what this boy does on the dash! 

Welcome to Mutants Rising! Please read the checklist and submit your account within 24 hours.

Out of Character Information:

NAME/ALIAS: M

PRONOUNS: She/her

AGE: 27

TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY LEVEL: GMT+1

In Character Information:

DESIRED ROLE: Rahim Avery/Phobos

GENDER/PRONOUNS: Cis male, he/him

DETAILS & ANALYSIS:

Rahim was like a perfect storm of things made to attract me it seems: his code name is the name of the god of fear in greek mythology and i’m a sucker for the less known deities in mythology, riz ahmed as a fc is just such a perfect choice i don’t even have the words and then there’s his aesthetic blurb especially this line “The feeling of a hand on the back of your neck, tightening as they get their message across and the sparks from a train coming into the station as it attempts to stop.” This line was what got me absolutely hooked and what to me sets Phobos apart from other characters in play (especially male ones) like Cain for instance because i think Rahim has a lot of pent up anger and agression but he rarely ever gets it out, he’s much more skilled at the lead up to violence, at simply threatening it and oh he’ll unleash hell upon someone if he’s pushed to it whether that’s with his mutant ability or his fists but truth is his anger is mostly turned onto himself, he isn’t so much destructive as he is self destructive. Anger’s not a fuel or a driving force for him it’s a crutch, it’s a bad habit he’s unwilling to kick. He’s more likely to do dumb shit like bare knuckle box with people twice his weight and size just so he can get punched in the face and bleed or drink himself into oblivion, run on barely any hour of sleep and brush off any concern from claiming he’s working, doing it for the syndicate.

And then back to the code name, Phobos. I looked into that greek god and apparently Phobos and Deimos were meant to represent fear of loss also because of Aphrodite being their mother and then that just got me thinking about the driving fear in Rahim’s life and the more I thought about it the more I thought that his driving fear must be the fear of being known ‘cause otherwise why would he be so freaked out by the mere possibility of Jack digging into his past (and I do picture him to be quite unnerved about it and hiding it not quite as well as he thinks he is but putting up a front). I don’t have plans to insert a tragic backstory or big dark secret but I do think being known fully is not something Rahim is open to or even capable of, he’s barely managed to trust anyone in his life fully (except Finn, god bless Finn honestly) and letting anyone in on who he really is, in all his vulnerability, letting them know about his past (he’ll give you mundane pieces about his past, anecdotal shit but try and dig deeper and witness this man’s incredible proficiency at shutting the fuck down and quick) is just inconceivable to him because then that opens him up to hurt and loss and like I said there’s no tragic backstory behind it but he’s known loss once or twice already and some people handle loss better than others. Rahim is others.

BIO:

A boy is a bomb. Now that’s a sort of sentence that’s enough to make one think 'oh how tragical’ and start worrying about the boy but now what if I told you that it was no metaphor? That it was quite literal and in fact not only is the boy a bomb but there is no ticking, no counter and he can go off at any second leaving wreckage in his wake. The boy lives, oh he always live and he doesn’t get hurt but that doesn’t make his predicament any less tragic, now wouldn’t you say. That boy has a name. His name is Rahim Avery and he was born thirty-five years ago in Illinois to two mutant parents only Teresa and Caden Avery were not prepared for their child to have such a volatile and destructive ability as both their mutant abilities were of a defensive nature.

Knowing Rahim could not hurt himself using his power was only a slight relief but rather than a childhood of playing with other children as any other child should Rahim’s own childhood was more often spent training to master perfect control and emotions such as anger or passion were heavily discouraged as he was reminded at every turn of the consequences, of how he might hurt others without meaning to. He found outlets however for a time through sport but then his old habits got in the way as he was almost paralyzed with fear of hurting his teammates living any contact sports out of the question until he had more control. Puberty was particularly tough on him, as if raging hormones and social awkwardness was not enough to add on top of that the possiblity of literally exploding at the slightest change of mood was a lot, too much to place on a young man’s shoulders.

What Rahim found though and what was a great relief to him was that keeping such a tight reign on his emotions had opened him up to listening better because he didn’t take up much space at all, didn’t speak much only when he did it was with eloquence and more importantly empathy. He became in tune with other’s people feelings from spending so much his time, waiting, observing and one emotion he realized could be quite useful was fear. He didn’t have to be violent or let his anger out if only the mere thought of him doing so was enough of a threat to have people backing down and so he soon sought out loneliness and embraced it, happier keeping people at bay with one dark look. It was freeing, much easier to keep a lid on all his repressed anger when there wasn’t a soul in sight to potentially piss him off.

The tactic kept him lonely and stronger by the day, much more in control of his ability until he felt like he could have been in a rage and not made anything explode at all, like he wasn’t a threat to his immediate surroundings just by existing and what a relief that was too. Life, it seemed had one lesson to teach him: it didn’t matter how much control you thought you had you could still screw up and badly.

An incident occurred cutting him completely off guard as his parents house was attacked while he was visiting, an anti-mutant attack evidently as their neck of the woods had grown progressively less safe for their kind over the years and intending to charge an item for explosion and aim it at an attacker he was blindsided and instead the charge injured his father. Although he was assured following the attack time and time again that he had nothing to feel sorry for, that his father knew he was only trying to help and to protect his family, Rahim had to admit to himself that although isolating himself might have seemed like the perfect plan he was still far from harmless, having focused all of his attention on control rather than precision.

When he learned of the Blackburn Syndicate’s existence and its origins he at first refused to even consider looking further into it or meeting its members. He was no cast aside mutant, he was simply one of many (he had to assume, it couldn’t only be him) that struggled with his powers. It wasn’t that the criminal activities rebuked him either as he had gone from job to job aimlessly, never having found a vocation for himself so putting his powers to good use and making more money than he would on his many odd jobs was definitely appealing but he couldn’t help at first but to think he would be stealing a spot from a needy mutant to until he met the underboss of the Syndicate who made it quite clear that as long as he was useful whether or not his spot was filled by him or some less fortunate mutant out there did not matter. They needed a bruiser and if he had the ambition and the skills for it, he ought to take the position, that wouldn’t stop the Syndicate from taking other less fortunate mutants into their ranks. The nature of the job was enough to make him say yes as he saw there an outlet for his anger that was slightly more healthy than the ones he was accustomed to. Of course, he got more than he bargained for joining the criminal crew, some friends he thinks he might very well be willing to kill or die for and some thorns in his sides too.

EXPANDED CONNECTIONS:

Finn Croix: All I could think of reading that connection was of Jonathan Van Ness and Antoni Porowski friendship (but tbh the whole fab five and their non toxic love towards one another, the way they’re so comfortable hugging and touching and telling each other they love each other, i just a hundred per cent pictured that with Finn and Rahim) except that sentence in finn’s description of the connection with Rahim about people gossiping about the two of them lodged itself into my brain and made me go 'could this be romantic, taking the romance out of the bromance? or am i reading into it???’ but i’m quite happy to say whichever way it goes, I just absolutely love this connection and I can see Finn being the only one Rahim fully trust and is as close to his truest self with so that’s saying somethin.

Jack Mizuno: Jack was put on this eath to test Rahim’s patience and goodness and by God if he isn’t fulfilling his purpose to the fullest. Basically every day that he doesn’t break a bone in that guy’s body just because or blows up anything electronic just to fuck with him is a day that Rahim congratulates himself on his impeccable restraint. No, but more seriously Rahim doesn’t let people in on his fuck up with his parents and the robbery, doesn’t let anyone know of all the fucked up ways he’s been punishing himself for years for just being born wrong (he wishes he could have a defensive power on most days like his parents and that’s definitely a secret Jack can’t find but Rahim’s lucky Jack can’t quite read thoughts yet) so Jack gets under his skin, make his skin crawl and deep down Rahim’s midly scared of the guy and trying to get desperate for a way to get him off track, distract him.

EXTRA: I did not have time for extras unfortunately at this time. I thank you for reading my app for Dana/Enceladus and am available for any feedback.

ANYTHING ELSE: Nothing at the moment.

[babycoulson]

Improv

“Getting the gun is one thing. Pulling the trigger that is another,” Ward chastised Skye, sounding annoyed. He pulled the plastic gun out of her hand and aimed it at her. “Now, again, slowly, what's first?”

“Hate to break up this lovely little display of affection, but we need you both up here,” you said. “They’ve got a plan, and we’re right about ready to start.”

“Give us a minute here,” Ward demanded, his glare still fixed on Skye. “She still needs to learn some basic self-defense.”

“You go up, and let me take this one,” you suggested. “We’ll be up in a couple of minutes.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” he scoffed. He relaxed from his stance and walked over to meet you at the bottom of the stairwell. He handed you the practice gun, muttering to you, “I’ve been trying for half an hour, and all I’ve gotten is stubbornness.”

“Try being a person, remember?” you reminded him brightly. You and Skye watched him walk up the stairs and disappear into the main cabin. “Tough nut to crack, am I right?” you laughed to Skye, gesturing up toward the door with your thumb.

“I think I’m the tough nut here,” she sighed. “No matter what I do, I honestly don’t think he’ll ever be satisfied with me.”

“Ah, he just doesn’t know how to deal with newbies,” you shrugged. “Teaching is my favorite thing to do, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it if I do say so myself.”

“Teach away, O Young, Experienced One,” she said.

“I’m going to do my best,” you smiled. “Now, Skye, I need you to pretend like I’m a mafioso threatening you with this gun. You just be yourself in this scenario, and I’ll get into my character. Just play along, okay?”

“I’m sorry, what do you want me to do?” she asked in genuine confusion.

“We’ve told you several times, missy. Playing dumb ain’t gonna help you no more,” you answered with your worst New York accent, gesturing in a vaguely threatening manner with the hand you loosely held the fake gun in. Not giving her a chance to fully grasp what you were asking her to do was perfect for your teaching style; getting her confused, stressed, and a little scared helped to simulate what she would go through in a real situation.

“No, (Y/N), I’m serious, I don’t know what you want me to do,” she said earnestly.

“Hey, who told you you could call me (Y/N), huh? That’s Coulson to you,” you spat.

“There are two of you around here! It’d be hard to call you both Coulson.”

You relaxed your posture, dangling the practice gun lazily from your fingers. “She thinks she’s funny now, does she?” you scoffed. You chuckled cruelly, briefly turning your face and your attention from her.

She, amid her confusion and low levels of panic, saw her chance to get the gun from you. As she made her swipe, you swung around and aimed the gun directly at her face, her outstretched fingers just an inch from the barrel.

“She thinks she’s clever, too,” you said with a devilish smirk.

Skye was completely immobilized. Her mouth hung open as she retracted her arm at the pace of a child afraid to spook a beast.

“All out of words now?” you mocked her. “Good. Now do it.”

As you suspected, once put under pressure and given a little shove, her reflexes were lightning fast. She shot towards you so fast that you, as adept as you were, would barely have had time to react if you were really trying. She twisted your thumb, palmed the barrel, and was aiming your own gun at you with an adrenaline-drenched grin on her face in no time.

“Do what?” she questioned once more, aiming the gun in the direction of your chest.

“Steal the gun,” you finally answered, dropping your accent and character. “See, not so hard.”

She lowered the gun and relaxed her posture, taking deep breaths to calm herself. “Any chance you can get Ward to do something like that?”

You laughed and held your hand out to take the gun. “Not a chance. This is pure (Y/N) Coulson technique at work here.”

--

“Skye will walk in the front door,” your father explained to the team, bringing up schematics on the screen in the subroom. “The only external access point to Quinn's underground facility is from a beach cove. A two-man extraction team could slip in there, but it's not easy. Fitz-Simmons.”

“The perimeter is surrounded by a 20-foot-high neodymium laser grid. Touch it and you're toast,” Fitz summed up.

“Yep, super dead,” you nodded.

“Dead toast,” Phil combined the two, shrugging. “The only way to disable the grid is to crack the system and trigger a reboot. This would give the team three seconds to cross. Of course, Quinn's too smart to allow any wireless access on his property.”

“That's where I come in,” Skye assumed.

“Yes,” Simmons confirmed, pulling a gadget out of a case. “Working compact holds up under x-ray.”

“Desert rose to match your complexion,” Fitz continued, showing off his makeup-like creation with pride. “But oh, what's this? A readout, okay?” Little square red lights blinked on the left side of the mirror until green lights on the right side took their place. “Turns green if you're in close enough proximity to a computer to gain wireless access.”

“When it does, you just drop this nearby and walk out. We'll do the rest. Easy as pie,” Simmons assured Skye.

“Or it will be--” Ward interjected, sounding threatening-- “if you stick to the plan.”

“Got it,” Skye nodded, looking dejected at Ward’s comment. “Plan, green, drop, walk...pie.”

“And we can find some real pie afterward for a celebration,” you grinned, placing your hand on Skye’s shoulder. “You’re gonna do great as long as your improv skills are better than a minute ago.”

Skye was smiling again, appreciating your faith in her. “My improv skills should be better as long as I have you and Fitz-Simmons whispering everything into my ear.”

“Line-callers, if you will,” you joked. “Here, sorry, I have to go make sure my dad remembers how to get ready for a field mission. It’s been a hot minute since the last time he went out.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s fine!” she said. “As long as he’s ready, I am, right?”

“Totally,” you agreed.

May had approached your father with a look of concern on her face, and you walked over to them to make sure nothing was seriously wrong.

“I don't want to question your orders, sir,” she stated.

“Good,” he replied with a little nod. He moved past her, making his way to his office.

“But I've already seen far more combat than I bargained for,” she continued, stopping him. “This two-man extraction team? It's exactly the kind of action I was hoping to avoid.”

“That's why you're not on it,” he said.

“We wouldn’t do that to you, Mindy,” you added.

“Specialist work is different from field work, believe me,” she emphasized, the look on her face more concerned than before. “When was the last time you--”

“Hall's one of ours, and he's in trouble,” your father said. “I need two men to get him out. Ward makes one. So that's why I'm going in. You forget I saw plenty of action with the Avengers.”

“And you died,” she argued.

“She makes a fair point,” you nodded. “How about I go instead?”

“I’d feel better about that,” May agreed.

Phil looked at you, a slight feeling of betrayal settling in his chest. “I thought you wanted to run support.”

“I did,” you shrugged. “Now that I really think about it, though, I’d probably be better on the extraction team. I haven’t gotten to show off in a while, and you might need an example of decent specialist work before you try it out again.”

“I taught you everything you know about specialist and field work; you don’t get to talk!” he protested.

“And so the student surpasses the master,” you said cheekily.

A silent standoff between you and your father ensued, legendary blank smile meeting legendary blank smile.

“All right, team, suit up,” he gave in.

[femchef]

Suffer Bitch Ficlist

What This List Is: A collection of fics that I’ve read that absolutely fuck me up emotionally, and that I appreciated/loved/needed/have impacted me enough that I’ve saved them for re-reading. If these were paperbacks, the pages would have started falling out long before now.

That said, everything on this list has an emotional resolution (even the few incomplete ones I’ve chosen to include). Nothing on this list is the kind of emotional devastation that leaves the reader feeling empty and used* because honestly I need resolution, and I hate the type of #realism that makes me go “Well what was the fucking point, then”. This list is not comprehensive; if you’re in these fandoms, you’ve likely brushed up against them before. The majority of these authors are well-known, and some of these fics have been around longer than I’d like to be reminded. 

So - what qualifies a fic for this list, anyway? 

Tears and snotty sobbing. Everything on this list has made me cry and also given me emotional chills to some degree in order to make the cut.**

Before You Read: Take any warnings I list below seriously. If it’s something that will fuck you up in a bad way, then don’t read it. Don’t open the link. We all have things that are no-go’s. Full disclosure? I can’t read anything with graphic depictions of sexual assault, though mentions, allusions to, or mild/non-graphic depictions (ex. fade to black scenarios, fuzzy memory recall, etc.) don’t bother me. I take those tags and author’s notes seriously when I’m choosing what to read. Similarly, I’m pretty blasé about a lot of gore or body horror - except, specifically, when someone is rolling around in a pit of used needles (thanks for that, Saw movies). Guess what I avoid reading? In short: be a responsible reader. Don’t be self-destructive and proceed with however much caution you require.

*a life of smoke and silvered glass is an outlier and should not be counted.

**As a baseline, please keep in mind that the first time I read JRRT’s The Two Towers, I threw my book across the room when I got to the end. Also, the scene in Whale Rider where Paikea is on stage is the one time I started gross-sobbing in a movie theatre. Make of that what you will.

On to the list!

Suffer Bitch Ficlist:

(Presented to you in order of least impactful to most)

Invitation/Complication

It’s Green

Skin Deep

a life of smoke and silvered glass

Practicing Liars

Family Night

A Wicked Game

A Piercing Comfort

Loud and Clear

Humans and Ghosts

Digging for the Bones

Chivalry 

In Care Of

A Year Like None Other

Stay

Under Wing

Distorting Equivalency 

I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be)

[The following are in no particular order because I couldn’t decide]

19. Sacrifices Arc

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt

21. Like One Sundered Star

1. Invitation/Complication Series [Homestuck]

By saffronHeliotrope

You don’t need reminding that everyone is pairing off while you have village-bicycled your way through this group of morons as if you’d never run out of time.

It occurs to you that maybe you need new friends.

Word Count: 8,033

Status: Complete

This series contains two works, one taking place immediately after the other. Have fun angsting with Dave because he can’t seem to wrap his mind around this whole ot3 thing with John and Rose (on their wedding night, ofc). Consenting (if slightly dumb) adults and polyamory all around. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/132165

2. It’s Green [Harry Potter]

By Doodled93

Harry grows up working on his Aunt’s Garden and develops a love for it, meeting Samuel and eventually Max, who gives him a Mark of his own. This Mark is changing him, making him more different than he already was, and he loves it. 

Word Count: 88,549

Status: WiP

This is marvelous kidfic - lots of good fluff. Except. You know - that one OC death that was so heart wrenching that you start bawling. The concept of magical tattoos in this fic is really nice, and Max - a prickly, rough and gruff tattoo artist is the best kind of unintentional parental mentor. The author hasn’t updated in some time, but they’ve also made a note that they’ll come back eventually when they’re ready to update to completion. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411709/chapters/683216

3. Skin Deep [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Batsutousai 

Trisha and Van’s first child, Edith, was born a beautiful, healthy girl. The only problem? Ed knew he was a boy.

Word Count: 17,083

Status: Complete 

As you may have guessed from the description, this is a mostly canon AU featuring a trans Edward Elric. I love it, I appreciate how it was written, especially that it’s not a romantic plot - and not only was I crying after the first read, but rereads still give me the sniffles.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8197400/chapters/18779738

4. a life of smoke and silvered glass [Harry Potter]

By dirgewithoutmusic

Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet, smiling at them in that way of his, like he knew something you didn’t and he was proud of you for it. “Friends,” he began. 

The door thudded open and the Marauders burst in, late and pink-cheeked with cold. The headmaster smiled at them, too, and Sirius gave a cheery little salute back.

Severus sunk lower in his chair, staring witheringly over his butterbeer. “You told Potter about it, too?” 

“He might as well put all that energy to good use,” said Lily. “And to be accurate, I told Remus.” 

“But Potter, really?” said Severus.

“He and Black cooked up a jinx that gives you a boil every time you say a slur to a Muggleborn,” said Lily. “It was either invite them to Alice’s war club or bake them cookies, and I know where my skills lie.” 

Severus sniffed. “Don’t come crying to me if he tugs your pigtails.” 

“Come crying to me if he pulls yours, and I’ll deck him.” said Lily.

(Slight AU in which Severus apologizes, tries harder, and stays friends with Lily.)

Word Count: 22,794

Status: Complete

This is the Severus Snape that canon wanted. The greatest tragedy that never has to explicitly be spelled out (and the reason this fic is so heartbreaking and infuriating) is that the end results are the same.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457669

5. Practicing Liars [Harry Potter]

By Lomonaaeren

AU of HBP. Harry found out that he was Snape’s son two years ago, and he’s carefully concealed it. But now Snape is his Defense teacher, and Draco Malfoy is up to something, and Dumbledore is dying, and the final battle is coming up, and everything is getting very, very complicated. 

Word Count: 206,306

Status: Complete

Oh boy, bring on the angst. A Severitus fic with a lot of bitter, petty feelings. Half Blood Prince is such a popular point in HP canon to veer off into AU territory (for good reason), and just - the timing, the missed opportunities, the growth. Lots of feelings. Also drarry. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990947/chapters/1955931

6. Family Night [Harry Potter]

By Celebony

As Hogwarts starts a quarterly Family Night, Harry is determined to take part. Facing the heartache of looking in all the wrong places, he’ll have to discover the true meaning of family, and that sometimes it comes from where you least expect it. 

Word Count: 33,000

Status: Complete

Eventual Severitus fic. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional abuse, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, angst, grief, and (eventually) healing and recovery - this fic has it all. To me, I think this is the author’s best work, but obviously I have a preference. Fans of Remus tread carefully, this story may not be for you. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/2682144/1/Family-Night

7. A Wicked Game Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

Roy has lucked into the all-expenses-paid vacation of his dreams - all he has to do is convince a bunch of happy couples that he’s head-over-heels in love with Ed Elric. What could possibly go wrong? 

[Modern!AU].

Word Count: 64,884

Status: Story is Complete, but Series is still open for possible future oneshots/additions 

Currently three completed works in the series. Roy and Ed as struggling grad students who share lab space stuck in a cabin full of obnoxious couples. This story resonates so well for me, because it was the first time I read something where a character actively struggles with depression where I really felt like someone GOT IT. So, be warned - suicide mentions, depression, angst, and a lot of puns. Safe Roy/Ed, though if that’s not your jam, better take a miss. 

 Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/372113

8. A Piercing Comfort [Harry Potter]

By talithan

When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy’s patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact - he’s no longer sure he wants to. 

Word Count: 44,566

Status: Complete

This fic has art by onthecount! It’s lovely. Anyway - Oh my god. When I talk about things resonating on some, soul-deep level. The way depression, and trauma, and PTSD is handled is... Well. I don’t go back to this often, but it’s because (for me) reading this fic is cleansing. Draco and Luna as therapists running a burgeoning wizarding practice is pretty great. If you couldn’t guess by reading the summary, this is an eventual drarry fic - and I’ll be upfront, if the idea of dating your former therapists squicks you out, don’t read. I like how it’s written out, it doesn’t feel inappropriate, or like any sort of power imbalance to me, but I can see where that wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea either. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857495

9. Loud and Clear Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

The thing with Roy is founded on coffee snobbery and stupid text messages and seriously awesome makeout sessions in the car. Oh, and the love of a lifetime, or whatever.

Word Count: 280,924

Status: WiP

Currently there are six completed works, and one in-progress (with at least one more slated by the author). Also known as ‘The modern!AU Roy/Ed fluffball fic (of doom)’, there is emotional baggage/angst throughout that hints at darker things but nothing too dreadful until the fourth entry in the series, “Another One of Those Heartbreak Songs”. Anxiety, depression, war crimes, rape and consent (and, fyi, one of the best descriptions of what exactly enthusiastic consent IS, is in the current entry of the series, “The Boiling Point”) are all being dealt and felt in this story. Safe Roy/Ed fic that starts with a coffeehouse!AU style meetcute and follows the deepening relationship between Roy (established lawyer who works with veterans) and Ed (making the transition from struggling grad student to frazzled professor), and has a delightful dose of Al/Win tossed in. One of the most relatable things about this series is how all the terrible things about your worst relationships don’t really hit you until you’re smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever had, and it’s ROUGH. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of rape/sexual abuse, or abusive ex’s set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/167693

10. Humans and Ghosts [Danny Phantom]

By RedHeadsRock1010

If there was one thing Danny Fenton perfected since receiving his powers, it was how to pretend. 

Word Count: 26,751

Status: Complete

ANGST. Angst and neglectful parents. Angst and neglectful parents and two siblings doing the best they can. Jazz is a real MVP in this story. Also blood and gore. And torture. Oh my god. Still makes me cry. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of torture, or neglectful/abusive parenting set you off, don’t read. While it’s not a religious fic, the impact of the parenting codes like some of the horror stories you might have heard about being in the closet and growing up with religious parents. You have been warned. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315771/chapters/27999459

11. Digging for the Bones [Harry Potter]

By Paganaidd

Rather than allowing Harry to stay at Diagon Alley after he blew up Aunt Marge, the ministry sends Harry back to the Dursley’s. Harry returns to school after a terrible summer, to find that he’s not the only one with this kind of secret. A student has been killed by his family. New screening measures are put into place by the Ministry: Every student must be given a medical exam and interview to look for child abuse. With Dumbledore facing an inquiry, Snape is entrusted with the task of making sure EVERYONE receives one. 

Word Count: 203,178

Status: Complete 

As the author warns before the fic, there is a character death in the first chapter. The story is an AU of Prisoner of Azkaban. Suicide, attempted suicide, and suicidal ideation are a big part of the story. Child abuse, death by child abuse (and the aftermath), ptsd, and the appalling effects of dementors on a castle full of kids are pretty central to the plot. Eventual Severitus. Also accidental necromancy. This is a monumental hurt/comfort fic and there are a LOT of feelings. And angst. Consider this your warning: if explicit attempted suicide, or suicidal thoughts set you off, don’t read. If mentions of physical abuse/child abuse set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598019/chapters/1078847

12. Chivalry Series [Harry Potter]

When Harry appears at the Welcoming Feast wearing a glamor only Snape notices. Snape decides to find out what the glamor is hiding. 

You, the guiltless, will pay for your father’s sins,

Roman, until you repair the decaying 

Temples and shrines of the gods, and their

Images, filthy with blackening smoke.

When you act as servant of the gods, you rule:

From them all beginning, leave them the ending. 

Horace, Odes III-6

Word Count: 123,467

Status: Series is marked as Ongoing, though individual stories are Complete

Welp. Angst, some explicit child abuse (specifically physically violent Vernon Dursley), grief and mourning, ptsd, accidental potions class disasters that lead to more angst, sickfic, hurt/comfort, blood, gore and violence, child neglect, and eventual found-family by way of Severitus and a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Luna. There is a lot to unpack here. The interactions between Harry, Luna and Severus are especially endearing and heartbreaking. This is your explicit warning: if explicit child abuse /physical abuse set you off, or if accidentally forced (yes, I know how that sounds) flashbacks set you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/12306

13. In Care Of

By Fangs_Fawn

During the summer before sixth year, Harry finds an injured bat in the garden and decides to try to heal it... and an unwilling Snape learns just what kind of a person Harry Potter really is. 

Word Count: 45,319

Status: Complete 

I’m gonna be upfront with you. Vernon and Dudley Dursley are very sadistic in this story. Tread with caution. That said, along with the angst this is a very solid hurt/comfort fic that is also a reciprocal hurt/comfort fic (in that, first Snape is helped, and then Harry). It’s a nice emotional exchange. Violence - explicit child abuse and torture, grief, and a very petulant animagus. This is your explicit warning: if physical torture/violence sets you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023625/chapters/2036909

14. Like None Other Series [Harry Potter]

By aspeninthesunlight

A letter from home? A letter from family? Well, Harry Potter knows he has neither, but all the same, it starts with a letter from Surrey. Whatever the Dursley’s have to say, it can’t be anything good; so Harry’s determined to ignore it. But then, his evil schoolmate rival spots the letter and his slimy excuse for a teacher intercepts it and forces him to read it. And that sends Harry down a path he’d never have walked on his own.

It will be a year of big changes, a year of great pain, and a year of confronting worst fears. It will be a year of surprising discoveries, of finding true strength, of finding out that first impressions of a person’s true colors do not always ring true. It will be a year of paradigm shifts. 

And from the most unexpected sources, Harry will have a chance to have that which he has never known: a home... and a family.

A sixth year fic, this story follows Order of the Phoenix and disregards any canon events that occur after book 5. 

Word Count: 1,465,418

Status: WiP

Currently there are two completed works in this series, and one ongoing. This is a ROLLERCOASTER, omg. Terminal illness, child abuse, explicit, agonizing torture, grief and mourning, bad coping mechanisms, self-harm, self-destructive behavior - hurt/comfort out the wazoo. Eventual Severitus, this is a good, substantial found-family fic with a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Draco. I really appreciate that Severus, Harry and Draco continue to step on each other’s toes as the story moves along. They get as much wrong as they get right, and the familial development is natural. Harry does struggle a bit with the newer experience of a paternal Severus weighted by the previous years of his antagonism and petty behavior. Severus struggles with balance, Draco struggles with extremes - behavior, feelings, intrusive thoughts - it’s a very well-rounded story. This is your explicit warning: The torture is incredibly graphic, and there are needles involved. If that sets you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/41198

15. Stay [Danny Phantom]

By jaeger_soul

Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn’t supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He’s already got a job after high school’s over, what’s the point of reaching for anything more? He’s fine with what he has. But when ‘more’ comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?

Word Count: 817,287

Status: WiP

This is technically a series, since the author has written one companion piece from another character’s perspective for chapter 27 of the story. Oh my god. Dash is a sweet, sweet cinnamon roll who’s just trying to muddle his way through, and terrible things happen to him. This is not Dash the bully from the canon series. The endgame ship is Dash/Danny, and it is very slow-burn. Lots of hurt/comfort in this fic, and the author’s OC’s are incredibly fleshed out and wonderfully developed. Anxiety and panic attacks are pretty heavy in this story. Small town-typical homophobic slurs, make an appearance. Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is a thing. Mentions of abortion and teen pregnancy and unwanted pregnancy all happen later on. Mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide are plot points. Abusive and abused ex partners. Child abuse - emotional, mental and physical - is the heavy hitter in this story. It is explicit and painful and heartbreaking. Consider this your warning. ABUSE. Explicit, agonizing depictions of trauma, and being used as a bargaining chip between two different but equally terrible parents - if any of that sets you off, DO NOT READ THIS STORY. 

Read here:https://archiveofourown.org/series/646532

16. Under Wing [Harry Potter/Katekyou Hitman Reborn Crossover]

By Reighost

Prophesies were tricky things and lies are even trickier. Sirius’s death becomes a catalyst and Dumbledore’s lies crumple like a house of cards. Harry is left with a burning question... Who is he really? Crossover with Katekyou Hitman Reborn!

Word Count: 145,771

Status: WiP

This story goes hard on the angst right out of the gate. And I do mean hard. Oh my god. A literal mindfuck that will leave you gasping. Psychological manipulation and torture, mind rape, body horror, and non-sexual indecent treatment of a corpse to start with. However, there is a lot of good content in this hurt/comfort fic. The author has not only brought HP and KHR together but has blended elements and characters from Spirited Away, Cardcaptor Sakura and xxxHolic together in such a way that despite all the horror, there’s actually a lot of redeeming charm. You will never find a better interpretation of the Hibari family than the Hibari’s that Reighost writes about in her universes, and this story contains a flashback to the Hibari parents meetcute and it is adorable and hilarious. While this is a wip, it’s at a very good stopping point that’s more or less the end of a story arc - so don’t let the thoughts of a slow wip put you off. This is your warning: Mind-control and mind-control recovery, and gore, all quite explicit. If that sets you off, DO NOT READ. There’s a reason this story is so far down the list. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123387/chapters/2264363

17. Distorting Equivalency [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Ranowa Hikura

All Ed knows is that he’s been kidnapped by a madman. 

Word Count: 173,000

Status: Complete

Go hard or go home. This is 27 chapters of kidnapping, explicit torture, and unethical alchemical experimentation with chimeras. All those feelings you have about Nina? Dial it up to eleven (to point out, Tucker and Nina are not featured characters in this story - unfortunately that disaster has already happened). A hurt/comfort fic with a very good resolution. Also becomes eventual Paternal!Roy and Ed. This is your warning: If explicit, repeated torture and body horror set you off, AVOID THIS FIC. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12116762/1/Distorting-Equivalency#end

18. I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be) [Homestuck]

By [orphan_account]

Guys don’t get raped. 

Okay, so maybe they do, sometimes. But that’s only when they’re ganged up in an alley way and shoved against a wall and get some other guy’s dick in their ass without permission. It’s forceful and bloody and masculine. At least, that’s how the media sells it.

But this isn’t rape.

When a girl buys you drinks and takes you home and crawls on top of you - well, that’s every guy’s wet dream. 

When she’s grinding down onto you and her hands are holding yours to her breasts and she’s whispering filthy, filthy things into your ear, that’s not rape.

That’s not rape no matter how many times you say no.

Word Count: 33,386

Status: Complete

This is your explicit warning: Rape. The scene is non-graphic (lead-up with fade-to-black scenario) and takes place in the first chapter. Trauma, self-harm, suicidal ideation, destructive behavior, mentions of homophobia. If the summary of this story isn’t enough of a warning, then here you go. DO NOT READ if this is what sets you off. Hurt/comfort and ANGSTANGSTANGST aside, the aspect that I appreciate most about this story is how it deals with trying to come to terms with a trauma you don’t know how to articulate (to yourself or others). I don’t generally do stories that rely on miscommunication, but in this case, it makes sense: it’s less about miscommunication for the sake of plot, and more the lack of ability to articulate effectively, which. Yeah. Dark, angsty hurt/comfort that eventually ends on a positive, hopeful note. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777171/chapters/1462358?view_adult=true

DUN DUN DUN - THE BIG THREE 

Let’s call it a three-way tie, because there is SO MUCH PAIN in each of these stories, honestly I really can’t pick an order for them.

19. Sacrifices Arc [Harry Potter]

By Lightning on the Wave

Harry’s twin Connor is the Boy Who Lived, and Harry is devoted to protecting him by making himself look ordinary. But certain people won’t let Harry stay in the shadows...

Word Count: 3,081,000

Status: Complete

Wrong Boy Who Lived. Severitus, Slytherin!Harry. Drarry. If those are on your radar, this may be the story for you. Just beware literally everything else. Torture, mind-control and manipulation, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, rape, cannibalism (is it cannibalism when it’s a werewolf eating a human child), trauma, destructive behavior, violent loss of limb, blood, gore, viscera, necromancy - these are just some of the explicit things that take place in the series. There are eight works in the Sacrifices Arc, and they mirror the canon Harry Potter series in that they start at mild and slightly odd and become darker and more horrifying. This is a very, very long series, and it hits a lot of milestones within the HP fandom. There are lovely moments of tenderness, the OC’s are magnificent and well-developed, and while heavy-handed from time to time, the author explores notions of morality and spends a lot of time on magical theory and world-building. If you haven’t read Sacrifices Arc and want more information, google it’s tvtropes page. I would recommend doing so just to determine whether or not the story is safe for you to read if you’re concerned about it, because there is a LOT going on. Otherwise, start with the first story in the series (“Saving Connor”) and proceed with caution. You will absolutely be wrung out before you finish.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/u/895946/

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt [Danny Phantom]

By HaiJu

Locked away in a secret government lab with Phantom as her subject, nothing stands between Maddie and the truth... except, perhaps, herself.

Word Count: 366,000

Status: Complete

Do you want to get fucking wrecked? Because this series will do it. Holy shit. I still can’t believe I got through it. This is so well-written and so. Fucking. Painful. The first entry in the series, Phantom of Truth, absolutely GOES THERE. The second entry is... everything that comes after. I don’t feel like it spoils anything to tell you that Maddie is not the person who captures Danny Phantom, or that she does not know he’s her son. Make of that what you will. Also, the first story does have a good resolution and does not end on a cliffhanger, so if you need to take a break after, you should. Bonding happens, and I wouldn’t call it Stockholm Syndrome, since it’s between Maddie and Danny, but I also wouldn’t say it doesn’t overlap. This story is absolute fucking angst. Shadow of a Doubt explores not only the traumatic repercussions on Maddie and Danny and their relationship, but on their friends, family, acquaintances and even enemies. There are some very good OC’s that come into play later on. You know, between all the angst and pain. Tread carefully: If you think you’ll be set off by torture and abuse, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. I cannot stress that enough. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7476808/1/Phantom-of-Truth

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9683169/1/Shadow-of-a-Doubt

[It’s worth mentioning that HaiJu has an ao3, but they haven’t finished crossposting Shadow of a Doubt to their account]

21. Like One Sundered Star Series [Homestuck]

By oriflamme

Who are these shining like one sundered star? 

[Like kindled lights in untempestuous heaven,

Fair flower-like stars or the iron foam of fight.]

———

Teenage superheroes deal with hormones, mental illness, and extremely secretive guardians in a world of Horrorterrors, giant mutant lucii, mob violence, nightmares of a past life, warring anti-heroes, and asshole carapacians. Sburb AU divergence from Real Men Wear Tights. 

Word Count: 1,712,155

Status: Complete

Welcome to the AU of an AU that did a double reach-around back into canon and became a reincarnation AU. It’s fucking excellent and also fucking traumatic. Body horror, blood and gore and viscera, torture, emotional manipulation, mind control, child abuse, emotional abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, attempted suicide/suicidal ideation, codependency, alcohol abuse, just to name a significant few. This is a huge pale-tango clusterfuck and it’s glorious. The world-building is insane. Richly developed OC’s, good use of languages, images that a slowly incorporated into a story of increasing breadth and complexity - and a fucking bombshell that will hit you really, really hard about midway through the story. So much pain. Again, this is another series with a tvtropes page that you should visit if you have any concerns before reading, because there is just that much going on. There are three works in this series, two are companions to the main body of work. Proceed with caution, because this will squeeze the life out of you. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/56682

Welp.