#but i will probably just go by myself anyway. i can make friends when i get there lmao
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Just friends?
Percy Jackson x reader
Warnings: making out, I think that’s it tbh
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My brain was fried. I had been working on homework and studying for hours all week. I had just about isolated myself in the library, and even managed to get on a first-name basis with the librarian.
I regretted my decision to take so many credits this semester, but I just got so excited when I got into New Rome University that I went a little overboard. The only person who was taking more classes than me was Annabeth- of course. She had spent some time with me in the library this week, but other than that I hadn't gotten any social interaction outside of my classes. I knew my best friend Percy was probably wondering where I was.
I submitted a paper that I didn't even have the energy to proofread. I just was hoping for the best at that point. Just as I clicked submit, I got a text notification on my computer. It was such a relief to be able to use normal technology at school. It was so hard in the mortal world to constantly explain why I couldn't have phone.
The text was from Percy.
Where have you been? Haven't seen you all week
I smiled, immediately pulling out my phone to text him back.
Library. So much work :(
I glanced over at the window, seeing that the sun had begun setting. I sighed, pulling out some of my notes to begin studying. I only got a few minutes in before my brain couldn’t take in any more, and I checked my phone once again. Percy had responded.
Got any free time tonight?
I rolled my eyes. ‘Only for you’ I thought, although I decided not to text it.
What do you have in mind?
After I sent that text, I tried my best to give my attention to my notes. Again, I failed. I wasn’t sure my brain could take in another ounce of information without giving up on me.
I slowly packed up my belongings, deciding it would be best for me to just go back to my dorm. When I exited the library, it was dark. I quickly walked back to my room. As soon as I got there, I dropped my backpack, changing into comfortable clothes. My phone buzzed again.
Want to come over?
I yawned, considering it, then deciding I didn’t have the energy to leave my dorm tonight.
Can you come here?
I hadn’t even finished putting my hair up when he responded.
On my way
I smiled, unlocking the door and turning on my tv before getting comfortable on my bed.
I was relieved to be seeing him again after my extremely long week. When we were growing up, we had gotten used to only seeing each other in the summer. At college however, we saw each other at least four times a week. Even when it’s doing small things— walking to class, going to the dining hall— we had really gotten used to eachother’s presence this year. It felt weird to go a week without seeing him.
I also was slightly relieved that it would just be the two of us tonight. I loved Annabeth so much, but I honestly didn’t have the social battery to interact with more than one person after my mental exhaustion. Plus, Annabeth would be doing homework all weekend anyways.
A few minutes after I’d gotten comfortable, I heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” I called.
A moment later, my best friend came walking through the door with a plastic bag and a cup carrier in his hand. I smiled, standing to close and lock the door behind him.
“Hey,” he said, setting the drinks on my desk.
“What’s this?” I asked, gesturing to the bag.
He shrugged, holding it up slightly, “I just assumed you’d be too busy to think about eating, so I picked up some take out for us.”
I beamed up at him, gratefully taking the bag and thanking him.
After being best friends with someone for almost ten years, you really get to learn how they work. Percy always was one that hit the nail on the head when it came to my habits. He was right, I probably would have forgotten about dinner if he hadn’t brought it.
He kicked his shoes off, jumping onto my bed and pointing to the drinks, “I also got some hot chocolate, I wasn’t sure if you wanted any, but I was stopping anyway.”
I nodded, smiling at him, “Thank you, Percy. You’re the best.”
We both sat on my bed, watching the new season of Outerbanks together as we ate our dinner. I tried my best to pay attention to the show, but I couldn’t stop myself from yawning and zoning out.
When we both finished our food, Percy stood, taking the trash from my bed and throwing it into my trash can. I yawned again.
“You okay? I can go if you want to just go to bed,” he said.
I shook my head, “I’m okay,” I said, patting the spot next to me, “stay a little.”
I knew that I needed sleep, but I missed his presence. It felt weird that this was the first time seeing him in days.
I layed down on my bed, getting comfortable and yawning again. Percy paused the show, taking his place next to me again and laying on his side to face me.
“My mom called today,” he said quietly.
“Yeah?” I said, “how is she doing?”
He chuckled, “she’s good, she said she’s happy you and Annabeth are here to ‘keep me in check’,” he said, using air quotes on the last bit.
I laughed, “seems like it’s the other way around right now, I wouldn’t have even remembered dinner if you didn’t bring it to me.”
He paused, rolling onto his back and fiddling with the edge of his sweatshirt sleeve. He didn’t say anything, and I could immediately tell that something was off.
“What’s up?” I said, still facing him. I found myself staring at his pretty face, and thinking about what Annabeth had been saying to me earlier that week. She always said that Percy and I should ‘stop pretending and just get together.’
It definitely wasn’t something that I could say I’ve never considered, I just couldn’t risk ruining the friendship. I’d seen several of my college friends lose their friends by taking it a step too far. I would never recover if I made things awkward between us.
He interrupted my thoughts, when he spoke again. “Paul and my mom asked about you.”
I smiled, moving slightly closer to him to get more comfortable, “Oh yeah? What did they say?”
He looked back down at his sleeve, fiddling with it again. He paused for another moment, before saying, “Just like— they keep asking about us…”
I hesitated, having an idea of what he meant, but I decided to push, “What do you mean?”
He sighed, tossing his arms down to his sides and staring back at the ceiling, “They like… make assumptions— just because we hangout so much.”
I nodded, deciding to question him further, “We hangout with Annabeth too most of the time.”
He glanced over at me, opening his mouth like he was about to say something, but turned back to the ceiling and began playing with his sleeve again.
I leaned forward to rest a hand on his arm, which he glanced at, before looking back at the ceiling.
I took a deep breath, realizing that he wasn’t going to speak up, so I did. “So they’re inquiring into the nature of our relationship?”
He snapped his head over to me, brows furrowing in confusion.
I laughed, “They are asking if we’re really just friends?”
He turned his head back to face the ceiling, “Ohhhh, yeah. Pretty much.”
I nodded, removing my hand from his arm and propping myself up slightly to get a better look at his face.
“And what did you say?” I asked.
He turned on his side, fully facing me now, and propped himself up on his arm so we were looking at eachother.
He breathed in, before saying, “I said I’m not really sure.”
I nodded, looking into his eyes and knowing where this conversation was leading. We’d been putting it off for years. It scared me. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but looking into his sea-green eyes I knew that I couldn’t keep pretending.
“You’re not really sure?” I asked, cocking my head slightly to the side.
“I mean…” he started, and I watched his eyes scan my face before continuing, “I don’t know. It felt weird not seeing you this week. Like… I missed you.”
I laughed at his awkwardness, but said, “I missed you too, Percy.”
I swore I could see his gaze flicker down to my lips for a millisecond, but I chose to ignore it. It made me feel tense and my heart started racing.
He sighed, nodding, but sounding confident when he said,“What should I say then, next time they ask?”
I could feel my face heat up. I can’t keep dodging this. I can’t avoid it forever.
“What do you want to say?” I asked, trying to stall so that I wouldn’t have to make any decisions.
He pursed his lips, but didn’t lose his confidence, “I think it’d be fair to say that we’re not really just friends. And that we should have had this conversation a while ago.”
I nodded. Of course he knew what I was thinking. How could he not? We know each other almost as well as we know ourselves.
I swallowed, and my voice came out as a whisper, “I think that’d be fair to say.”
He nodded, and his gaze flickered down to my lips again, only slightly more noticeably this time.
I cleared my throat, my heart racing, “So if not friends, then what?” I asked quietly.
He searched my face, and I could feel his breath now. I wasn’t sure when we had gotten so close, but we were really close.
It’s not that I had never kissed a guy, I had. They’d all just been with people I never really cared about. I knew somewhere deep down that I would never really like anyone else. He was always in the back of my mind. And now with his breath on my face, I was nervous. We’d never crossed the line in our friendship beyond the occasional cuddle, but even that was rare.
“What do you want us to be?” He flipped the question on me, and his lip quirked into a small grin.
I paused, not knowing what to say. I searched his face, eyes focusing on his lips for a second longer than they should’ve.
“Can I be honest?” I whispered, eyes falling to his lips again before meeting his eyes.
He nodded, his eyes falling to my lips too. I could hear his breath quicken as the distance between us seemed to shrink.
“I’ve known we should’ve had this conversation for a long time, but now that we’re having it I don’t really know what to say,” I said, and his gaze returned to my eyes, “I really care about you, Percy.”
He nodded, “I really care about you, too.”
We stared at eachother, neither of us knowing what to do. Neither of us had ever been in a real relationship before. It was new territory for both of us. But of course Percy always knows exactly what to say.
“Will you go out with me? Tomorrow night?” He asked, before quickly saying, “Unless you have too much work, I mean.”
I smiled, feeling a fluttery sensation in my stomach before saying, “I’d love to.”
He nodded, scooting closer to me, “Yeah?”
I nodded, biting my lip and smiling, “Yeah.”
Our faces were inches from each other now. I let my gaze fall to his lips, and his hand reached out to rest on my jaw.
Slowly, he finally leaned in. His lips touched mine, softly at first, like he was scared that if he moved too fast, he might break me. I let out a soft exhale through my mode, and he pulled me closer, deepening the kiss. I could feel his hand slide from my jaw to the back of my neck, his fingers tangling in my hair.
We pulled away for a moment, both of us breathing heavy, and looking deeply into eachothers eyes. We both had massive grins painted on our face. Without a second thought, our lips were on eachothers again.
The room suddenly felt hot. My hands made their way to his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart beneath my finger tips. All I can think is— why did we wait so long? I let my fingers curl in his shirt, bringing him closer, as the kiss quickly grows more urgent, more intense.
He held me tightly, like he was afraid I might slip away. I felt his hand slide down to my waist, pressing me against him. I let out a quiet gasp as he pulled me onto his lap, firmly guiding me until I straddled him. Nothing else mattered. Just him, our lips, the feeling of our bodies so close together after so many years.
His fingers hesitantly trailed up under my shirt, the touch sending shivers through me as he let his fingertips move along my bare skin. I could feel my breathing pick up, my hands sliding up to his shoulders. I found the courage to tug at the hem of his shirt, pulling it up. He pulled away, breaking the kiss just long enough to let me lift it over his head, revealing the warm skin beneath. My hands explored his chest, his shoulders, feeling every inch of him as he watched me with that soft, intense gaze, like he’s waiting for my every move.
He slowly pushed my shirt up, and I shakily lifted my arms, letting him slide it off. When it was off, we locked eyes, still smiling like idiots. His hands quickly found my waist again, his fingers splaying across my back as he pulled me close, his lips finding mine once more. I could feel the warmth of his skin against mine, the slight brush of his chest as I pressed myself against him, feeling his heart racing just as fast as mine.
He grabbed my hips, encouraging me to move back and forth. I gasped into the kiss, and began grinding with his grip. We moved together, the friction between us heavy, and I let out a quiet moan. I couldn’t believe we were really doing this. I felt him shiver at the sound, his breath catching as he presses his forehead to mine, pulling away from the kiss but not stopping his movements.
“Gods,” he whispered, his voice rough, barely more than a breath. “I’ve wanted us for so long.”
I could almost feel tears prickle in my eyes, as I breathlessly replied, “Me too.”
He leaned down, kissing my neck with an intensity that I never knew he was capable of. He nipped and kissed, only pausing to mumble, “Since we were 15.”
His confession sent a surge of warmth through me, my hands moving to explore his back, tracing the muscles there. The muscles that I was so familiar with. That I’d seen in battle countless times.
I felt him shudder, his grip on my waist tightening as he lifted his head from my neck, pressing me against him with a need that matched my own. I rolled my hips, feeling the heat build, and he let out a low, breathless groan, his fingers digging into my skin as he joined our lips together again.
Our kiss was electric, heavy, and full of everything we wanted to say and do to each other for years. I leaned into him, pressing my forehead to his, feeling the warmth of his skin. My eyes welled when he stopped moving our hips together, and I saw the soft, vulnerable smile that played at his lips as he whispered my name like a promise.
I whispered his back, feeling my heart fill with an affection that I’d been holding back all these years.
We stayed like that for a while, embracing each other with a few soft, stolen kisses every now and then. We whispered to each other about how happy we were, and he suggested a few dinner places for tomorrow night.
Eventually, we decided to lay down together, but when I finally got comfortable he sat up, saying it’s late and he should probably let me sleep.
I shook my head, rolling my eyes, “Stay, dummy.”
He smiled brightly, and layed back down, embracing me again. We fell asleep like that, only to be woken up the next morning by a knock on my door. I hadn’t been expecting anyone, but I nudged Percy awake.
We looked at each other, wide eyed, and scrambled to find our shirts and fix our appearances.
The knock came again.
“Just a second!” I called out, combing through my hair with my fingers as Percy carefully straightened out my blankets. He gave me a thumbs up when it looked satisfactory.
I nodded, turning to open the door. There stood Annabeth, open notebook in hand, not looking up yet but saying, “Gods, what took you so long?”
I looked at Percy for help, before hesitantly saying, “Sorry, my room was a mess.”
She furrowed her eyebrows, looking up suspiciously, when her eyes caught on Percy. She smirked, closing her book and looking between us.
She checked her watch with a knowing smirk, “Wow, Percy, what are you doing here so early?”
I could feel my face heat up, as Percy struggled to find his words.
“I- uhhh… yeah…” he so eloquently said.
Annabeth shook her head, smiling at us. “It’s about time. I’m going to the library, was just going to see if you wanted to come, but obviously you’re already occupied.” She said, turning and walking back down the hall.
I closed the door as she walked away, and Percy’s face was just as bright red as mine felt.
We stared at eachother for a moment, both of us unsure of what to do.
“Wanna get back in bed?” Percy asked, scratching the back of his neck.
I smiled, taking his hand and dragging him back up to my bed. “I’d love to.”
#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson imagine#pjo masterlist#percy pjo#percy series#pjo fandom#percy jackson smut#percy jackson masterlist#percy jackson lightning thief#percy jackson#percy jackon and the olympians#leo valdez x y/n#leo valdez x you#leo valdez x reader#leo valdez x oc#leo valdez smut#leo valdez#pjo hoo toa#pjo#pjo series#annabeth chase#luke castellan#jason grace#jason grace smut#luke castellan smut
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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watch my body disintegrate into a pile of ash like a cartoon character who just got struck by a lightning bolt (JOINT PAIN JOINT PAIN JOINT PAIN JOINT PAIN) (just got off work)
#salmon jibberish#god you horribly wipe out on your bike and injure yourself ONE TIME in middle school and suddenly youre inflicted with lifelong knee/joint a#d leg pain 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#worm lore drop 🔥🔥🔥#can you really call it lore its nothing crazy#i was riding my bike w my friend and their mom and we were on a steep hill and i got scared and braked and flew off my bike and down#the hill#i got to miss like i think a week or two of gym because the scab on my knee was so big i literally couldnt bend it#it'd melt off every time i took a shower too#<- that was probably kinda gross sorry#scabs on both my knees#one was bigger and made my knee unable to bend#and one on the palm of one of my hands that made me unable to bend my thumb#we didnt go to the doctor or anything for it i just didnt do anything for like a week lol#afterward one of my other friends said my knees look weird 💀#<- not mad abt that i just think its funny#me when i yap in the tags#sorry gang#and of course i got myself a job that requires genuinely running around all day#my legs have given out twice at work and thats what finally pushed me to get a knee brace#just one for now bcs . expensive . i just gotta guess which leg o think is gonna give me the most trouble that day#idk i just tend to deny myself help . i dont think i deserve it . i really only got pushed for this bcs i didnt want to get obliterated by a#dog at work if my knee gave out 1) while walking a dog or 2) while in the daycare in a crowd of dogs#idk i dont like making my own life easier i dont think i deserve it . i dont think im suffering enough to need help but yk#ANYWAY#good news is we have ROTISSERIE CHICKEN FIR DINNER LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO#IM GONNA DRAW NOW 💥💥🔥🔥🔥
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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Anyway I got notified that I'll be getting a nice $$ bonus from work today and I wish that I could celebrate with someone in a way that didn't just feel like obnoxious bragging. Like beyond the financial aspect, it's just nice to be recognized for good work and I actually feel... good?? about this job??
But it feels so silly to say I want to celebrate when I just got back from what felt like my first real vacation in a very long time and am doing cool comic con stuff this weekend and am scheduled for a new tattoo next weekend. I am already doing lots of things to try to make myself feel good! It feels selfish to want more!
But I guess even with all of that, there's just still a hunger for external validation from trusted sources. Will I ever grow out of wanting someone to be proud of me?
#stoned ramblings#life of faye#i swear I'm not as sad right now as this makes me sound just kinda lonely is all#work bonus#boss also said that if i wanted to take on more responsibility we could talk raises as well#and like most days I'm done by like 1 so it's not like I'm wildly overworked as it is#I'm going to set some aside for fun stuff and the rest is going in my savings#i am finally FINALLY trying to build up a savings again#it's probably a silly dream but I still want to save up for a house#so what else can i do but try and save?#rent's gone up so damned much everywhere that for somewhere halfway decent it costs about as a mortgage to rent anyway#the only reason my rent is semi-managable is because I've been here for 8 damn years so they haven't been able to drive it up as much#other apartments here start at hundreds more per month for new tenants#so i feel like I'm stuck here until i can afford a place#my one real hope is that I inherit enough from my midwest grandma when she passes to make a good down payment somewhere#sometimes to torture myself I like to go look at houses that I think are in my approximate realistic price range if i could cover the down#i want a yard for velma#i want to be able to open my blinds and/or windows and not feel like a whole apartment complex's worth of people can see me#i want a kitchen where all the burners work and I have enough counter space to work#i want a dryer system where my apartment doesn't get filled with warm wet air when the neighbors are doing their laundry#i want to do nude gardening#and have backyard bbqs with friends#i want enough dedicated space to do art that i don't constantly have to shuttle the easel around the living room and up and down the stairs#all pipe dreams i know#but hey the grandma did say that i was one of her three main inheritors in the will#so we'll see#just to be clear she has not passed but she's nearing 90 and keeps talking about it so it's hard not to think about you know?#anyway these are the sorts of things that i would talk about if I had someone to cuddle on the couch and talk to about my day#texts to nobody
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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(´・ᴗ・ ` )
#Alright lil blog update. Running the reblogs queue again tonight (yay!). Been procrastinating it for like? four months now?#I'm not going to fix the order anymore in a crazy pattern that only I can see. And like the point as always been#“it's only for myself��� because I like seeing the posts all ordinately lined up ☺️”. But it does start being a problem when.#It actually blocks me from reblogging alltogether. Or makes me end up with 978 posts in the queue and 15584 in the drafts#(lol) (yeah)#Anyways had to write it down publicly because last time I said “screw it I'm not going to post in order anymore”#I lasted exactly one (1) day#Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh#I need to make space in the queue so I've set 20 posts in the night / morning for the time being.#Probably going to tag less because again. the posts are piling up. Sorry everyone#So like... After this string of disappointing (and possibly irrelevant?) updates. Feel free to unfollow me etc. etc.#(Mututals included? I really hold no bad feeling I know I post a lot. I don't care about mutualism if we're friends we're friends)#Have a nice day / night!!!#random rambles#Btw for anyone wondering my previous queue lineup was 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts / 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts etc.#(other category could be like. gifsets together. analysis together. textposts of approximately the same length together etc. )#And fanarts had to be coherent between each other for characters / composition / oftentimes color palette#Anyways. Winning over ocd today 💪💪#(I say as I didn't pick this month specifically because the second half of the year starts together with it. Anyways)#ManBreakingChainsMeme.png#Edit: Just remembered this all started because I accidentally hit shuffle queue two or three weeks ago#When it happened I had a mental breakdown and cried for two hours but looking back. Maybe it was really godsent
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Back on my bullshit (im so convinced that abed knows he’s in a show)
Why don’t any of the characters swear when it would be so much more realistic if they did? It’s because Abed censors them. They all just assume it’s because he doesn’t like swearing but it’s actually bc he knows that a camera is somewhere and their audience will be expanded if they don’t curse
#abed community#abed nadir#if youre seeing this post out of context the backstory is that i fully believe abed knows he’s on a show#but the fourth wall is translucent not transparent#he can mostly tell when a camera will be there but it’s not a guaranteed bet every single time#im using this theory to explain things about the show to myself#like you’re telling me jeff winger isnt saying some variation of ‘fuck’ every other line?? no#that britta perry isn’t saying swearing like a sailor whenever she can as an act of rebellion because ‘they’re just words’#that annie edison has never told anyone to go fuck themselves#i dont believe that they wouldnt swear#unless their good friend abed was like ‘hey guys can you maybe stop swearing so much’#and they’re like oh no we’re so sorry to have made you uncomfortable#meanwhile he’s sitting there like ‘this is going to increase viewership so fucking much’#that’s why some of their misadventures don’t make the cut. the episode where they flashed back to the wild west scene#with some guy shooting at them? they were all cursing at the top of their lungs as they ran away from bullets#the camping trip that they allude to? jeff was saying ‘fuck camping’ any time anyone would listen#i feel like troy knows that abed doesn’t actually mind swearing bc they probably both swear when it’s just them#plus he never says anything when anyone swears in the movies they watch together#but he just goes along with whatever the vibe is at the time#anyways that’s the tedtalk
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I'm not sure how or when this will happen but as I imagine second chance romance Connor McDavid traded to the Caps and reunited with Dylan Strome, I also imagine that somehow, at some point when things are still awkward between them, they wind up having to take charge of a flock of baby rookies. Maybe they all get lost in the city or something, or a party goes terribly wrong.
All this to say the baby caps are adorable and should be taken care of by their jaded and grizzled older teammates in their mid-late 20s.
ok sorry for taking a week to get to you anon (have i mentioned that grad school is killing me) but i have been ruminating on this very cute concept and have several thoughts to share.
first of all the baby caps ARE adorable and i'm SO happy to have some babies around again! not that i don't love the washington capitals retirement home for agèd hockey players because god knows i love an old man but it HAS been frustrating losing good prospects or seeing guys go through hershey without really getting a shot at cracking the roster because the team was so dedicated to the old man roster. i'm super happy to see the kids getting a real shot this season, and super glad the caps has a coach who knows and appreciates them ❤
connor mcdavid: washington capital continues to be one of the funniest concepts to me. the idea of him being traded to or signing with the capitals, specifically, just feels so wildly improbable that trying to picture him on the big billboard outside of cap one makes me laugh out loud. like HOW would that happen. however, the absurdity should not stop people from writing fanfictions about it. we have all embraced weirder and wilder things for the sake of fic, and connor can learn to love shopping at tysons galleria like every other capital.
i can feel in my heart that as dylan gets older he's going to start adopting rookies. he's just that kind of guy. therefore it absolutely makes sense that he would end up rookie-wrangling and therefore get connor involved by association.
i don't think it's really possible to get lost in the city because they would just call an uber about it however i can DEFINITELY see some rookie's party going wrong in their big beige-ass ballston apartment and calling the only adult he's not terrified of (dylan) to come help. does this interrupt the tentative reconciliatory beers dylan and connor are having on dylan's back porch? yes. will the drunken rookie-wrangling shenanigans be a better re-bonding experience than any beverage ever could be? also yes.
unfortunately i cannot write this because i have a mental block against writing capitals fic due to the terrifying possibility of running into them at the wine bar or the hibachi place or whatever. but someone elsle should. keep the mcstrome dream alive.
#ask#mcstrome#hockey for ts#this year's mcstrome game in dc is on friday and all of my usual hockey buddies are unavailable 😤#but i will probably just go by myself anyway. i can make friends when i get there lmao
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I'm so fucking heartbroken over all these plans I haven't felt good enough to participate in... It's not fair. It's not fucking fair...
#i have missed so much this summer and i miss my friends immensely#next weekend we have ren faire though and im not missing that#i just hope to god i feel okay...#but im ESPECIALLY heartbroken over the fact that i couldn't make plans to go meet Roger Clark and Rob Wiethoff...#my mom told me if i could pay for most of it she would go with me but... i felt too sick to even attempt a goddamn thing#like im actually crying because i just wanted to go meet these cowboys and we had a plan#but whatever the fuck is going on with me got in my way#i was so excited for so long that I'd get to meet them and gush about rdr2#my mom and i made this plan like two months ago now#i wanted to make it work so bad...#hopefully i can meet them another time when i can actually function#im just bummed because rdr2 has been what's keeping me sane all year...#i started playing in February and ive put in almost 900 hours. im so close to 100%ing it#i wanted to go meet Arthur and John's VAs so bad dude#anyway#dont mind me#i should've learned to stop making plans by now...#i probably would have died trying to go to a con anyway but i would have pushed myself for that.
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#been sitting here for 1.5 hours now trying to decide if i should go see my friend as promised#or not. basically i texted earlier like heyy sorry can we do tomorrow im all over the place (mentally extra unstable*) i don't wanna#make you deal with that#but she said she might not be able to do tomorrow and she's told me she hates when ppl cancel bc so many ppl have been#cancelling on her and yk. feels bad. so i really should go but im also just. ???#idk what it was but today is just so not it ive been crying a bunch and barely working and i v much needed#my noise cancelling headphones on the train and then i just kept them on for 1#and then i just kept them on when i got home and ive just been on my bed scrolling and trying to decide dhsjsjdjd#yes i was supposed to work 8 hours today 💀💀💀#so that's the other part like if i go see my friend i know tomorrow will probably be rougher and i also need to work then yk#ugh anyways i should go we can just chill im sure#* headphone context for myself bc im just like 🤨🤨 am i just kinda sad and tired today or do i really need to rest#anyways. Thoughts? dhsjjdjdjd#other context is that my friend rly isn't doing good at all and i haven't seen her in a week and it's been#even longer since we could talk 1 on 1#like 2 weeks rip#maybe i just need food tbh ive mostly had sugary stuff today rip
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(i haven't read Whole Cake in a while, and i never really watched it, so bear with me)
I'd love to write a fic with Usopp on Whole Cake. it'd be sooo fucking long and i'd need to refresh myself on the entire arc, but god i'd probably be so satisfied when it's done. specifically for having brought a single moment in my head to life, but we'll get to that.
On Zou, he insists to be taken along on the Sanji rescue team and has worked himself up with a whole bunch of very good reasons as to why he should go there instead of helping in Wano, but of course Luffy just immediately accepts with a "yeah sure"
With Whole Cake, I think he'd be flipping between having fun as part of the idiot trio/quartet (Luffy, Chopper, Carrot), and being terrified with Nami. There wouldn't be that many differences in the arc as a whole, though; some things would be easier/better and some things would be worse- I don't necessarily think Usopp's presence would be overall an advantage or disadvantage, just different. Like, major events would stay mostly the same, but little details would change and maybe those little details would build to a far more drastic change-
for example, maybe one of Big Mom's kids considers themself a great sniper and wants a match with Usopp, or is motivated to work harder because Usopp is around and they want to take him out and boast about it. Maybe it means Sunny takes more damage than canon, or maybe Usopp's help means less damage to Sunny. (idk if i'd really do smth like this, but it's just an example)
skjdhf fuck i'm really not equipped to try and figure this out when i don't remember shit from Whole Cake aaaa
I do know that, despite his penchant for talking and rambling, I'd probably have Usopp be dead silent after his initial shock when Sanji fights Luffy. Everything about that is the same, except Usopp is just watching Sanji the whole time- not panicking, not moving, and not speaking. He doesn't say a word the entire time, doesn't even make a sound, and that, along with Luffy's words and Nami's begging, stick with Sanji.
(Usopp is thinking of his own fight with Luffy in Water 7, he's partially wondering if this was what it was like- if it was this painful to watch from the sidelines- and partially knowing he doesn't have to say a word, because he knew, like he knew back then, that it didn't matter what was said. It wasn't quite the same, but he could tell in the way Sanji moved, in the way he spoke and held himself, that he was putting on a front, trying to be brave in all the wrong ways. Usopp didn't say a word to Sanji because there was nothing he could say that Sanji himself didn't already know. Should've known. And his quiet, direct stare, was more than enough.)
the singular moment i really wanna write, is a scene where Sanji is apologizing for dragging them into his mess- either during the big meeting in Bege's castle or some other time- and Usopp's like "I'll do what you can't, you do what I can't, right?" and Sanji pauses, a little confused, until he remembers Enies Lobby and a stupid mask and cape and-
and tears are gathering in his eyes now, fuck, but he laughs a little. It sounds wet and his face is itchy and they're surrounded by tentative allies, but he- he laughs again and he says, "Fuck, you remembered that?"
Usopp shrugs, a little smile on his face. "They were some wise words from a wise man."
Sanji laughs a third time. "You think I'm wise?"
And they banter a little more before Bege tells them to quit it since they're on a time constraint or something. Quietly, Usopp will ask, "It-it helps. On bad days. And I figured, 'what's a worse day than this?' Ah, not that you getting married would ever be bad per se-"
"Usopp," Sanji says, looking more relaxed and settled. He smiles fondly and grabs his friend in a one armed hug, crushing him to his side. "Thanks."
And yeah, don't remember much beyond that, except the whole "hiding and then busting out of the cake" bit, which would mean Usopp in a cute little tuxedo or smth- maybe with a fedora aaaaaa <- loves fedoras- helping out with the fighting and eventually sailing with everyone to Wano.
He would be so distressed about fixing up Sunny now that the whole thing with Whole Cake is over. Maybe there'd be a gag about him promising Franky to take good care of Sunny while they were gone and being confident, after being Franky's tinkering partner and learning from him over time, that he could handle minor repair work much better than he did the first time around with Merry. And so when he finally takes in all the very-not-minor repairs he has to do, he's certain Franky is gonna strangle him for not keeping his promise. Probably also try to write in some nostalgic 'repairman Usopp' vibes from pre-Water 7.
Also something something, Sanji, wanting to do more for the crew bc he still feels guilty about Whole Cake, decides to take it upon himself to help Usopp not fall into a whole anxiety spiral about the ship. In turn, Usopp ends up helping Sanji not feel so guilty- usually by handing his own words back to him on a silver platter. And, yknow, having the two of them bonding and being buddies again like they so rarely get to be in canon nowadays qwq
#one piece#usopp#whole cake island#nemotime#that bit in bege's castle isn't exactly how it would go. just kinda. trying to get the vibe. also it's wayyy too short lol#the sanuso bit can be platonic or romantic. originally when i was gonna write out this idea a while ago i was thinking romantic with my#'they get engaged/married b4 dressrosa' au but tbh platonic works just as good#im- these guys man. i hate them so much (affectionate)#i'll get to rereading whole cake and finding a way to put him in there but for now. this.#if anyone's got other ideas im all ears#edit from like march 7: thinking about this again#maybe usopp being silent is an indicator for sanji that usopp's really fucking disappointed or shocked or w/e#but for usopp himself it's like being back in water 7. he doesn't even mean to be silent. he's got words built up on the tip of his tongue#but none of them come out. and despite sanji being Right There all he wants to do in that moment. is run.#at the very least he stays and watches the whole confrontation through. but afterwards he probably feels like shit#because he's the guy who's great with words right? he's the guy that can relate the most out of the group who went to WCI. he should be abl#to make a significant difference and help convince sanji to come home. but he feels like he failed. like he's going to lose another friend#and it's going to be all his fault. (again)#[not really. we all know merry wasn't his fault but we love old insecurities rearing their head in this house]#later he'd probably end up saying the words he wanted to say. and maybe it's better that way. that he ended up waiting#until luffy's had a proper shot at scolding sanji first. because then usopp can act as support and reinforcement. which. yknow.#a sniper's duty and all#anyway i got other shit to do so i'm cutting myself off here#wci usopp
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do y’all wanna know something funny. when I was in England I accidentally stumbled into finding my sister a boyfriend via @ilovevanillatea and her husband and it is something that has been so funny and good.
#It’s almost been two months so I can talk about it a bit more lightly#it’s had its ups and downs as far as it concerns me. because it’s another big change and one that sometimes feels so full of shadowy fear#and sometimes I have been [ shrieks in strangled anguish ] about it but also and at the same time. it’s been funny#and good. And I am delighted.#My wording is deceptive here —it was really Emma’s husband and Emma who led the charge here#because I showed up at their house and Jonny (Emma’s husband) was like : ‘do you want to date my friend [x]’#which was so funny. But over the course of the week we (and me for personal reasons) all sort of collectively shifted it over to Nina#and things have been going so great#and it has been probably the funniest and occasionally the most maddening outcome of my trip#(It is good. It’s just also complicated. as everything is!! I’m slowly learning how to deal when the women I love find men in their lives)#(I am very bad at it but I am invested in getting better and in learning how to be a true support)#ANYWAY. Of course I wanted to make a million text posts about this simply from a storytelling perspective#but have had to restrain myself#because you know it’s real life and it’s delicate etc.#but now feels like a safe enough time#anyway the sheer ROMCOM OF IT ALL
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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE
#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night#im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an#d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me#mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi#tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon#d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not#to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time#his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie#ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told#to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA#times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses#to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to#a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what#he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p#rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go#into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are#not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee#n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro#ving that right all the time#it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts#oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac#he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from#our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud
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many many many thoughts about shadowbringers and lightwardens and sin-eaters. a little thing i've been working on while i go through the expansion..........
#my doodles#c: nai naalfa#we just lost y'shtola and now thanks to a certain bringer of chaos have her back again.#anyway. i will finish this probably this week and then i already have an idea for a next doodle.#it's not as....... er dramatic or complicated as this. but fuck man shadowbringers really inspires me.#i have so many ideas!!!!!#danwtrail is going to make me draw hours after hours waiting for queue to pop#anyway anyway!!! this is a doodle/work inspired by y'shtola not recognizing us when we meet her again.#i can see where the game is going with this. 3 more lightwardens to defeat and already our friend says we're full of Light..........#may explain why emet-selch is content just watching it unfold. but on the other hand why would he help us get shtola back?#pushing us to our doom probably???? idk i can't read the fucking dude.#he was making the weirdest faces again when discussing shtola. he looked almost sheepish????#it reminds me of the expression dogs make when they look at you sideways LKFLDSJFMLDSKJFDF#anyway wtf i'm yapping about Him'(tm) in a work not even related to him. please sen#send help#oh another thing forcing myself to learn how to draw hands by only drawing pieces where i'm forced to draw hands. is it working? idk
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