#but i try to keep my build/buy stuff on the lighter side

[thebramblewood]

Julia's bedroom, at long last!

[takes1]

p.2 nishinoya x gn!reader. childhood friends

nishinoya being a little nervous is very fun to write :,)

warnings. none! details. sfw / fluff / maybe light angst / gn!reader / shiratorizawa!reader / childhood friends / checking each other out / taller!reader / good ending / multipart series / 1.8k words 🤍 haikyuu collection / part one here more links. my ao3, my other stuff. request box

"Would you quit skipping?" Coach Ukai sighed.

He truly didn't mind it, not even the sound of his shoes scraping the concrete, but thought what his new hire might think if they just happened to be taking out the trash, or looking out the window, if they saw this childish display of excitement.

Nishinoya was hesitant, but willing to cooperate. Alas, his hands clenched up into tight fists and the way he had to walk to keep it all in looked even dumber.

Another sigh. He really didn't want to deal with him if this went sour and the poor kid showed up to practice, depressed and uncooperative.

In fact, he simply forbid this little encounter with the Spring Preliminaries approaching.

He first noticed, of course, when Nishinoya's sharp ear caught his conversation that one afternoon a week ago, but he wasn't allowed the privilege of forgetting when nearly every practice after, his libero was requesting to walk with him to the convenience store.

One thing he was sure of was that you just didn't seem the type to enjoy Nishinoya's tricky company.

Your more laid-back, cool temperament combined with an off-the-rails excited guy, whom you might not even remember, was a recipe for disaster in his book.

Nishinoya even showed up that weekend, completely bummed you didn't happen to be working. He requested your work schedule and was denied based on the principle of a 'Worker's Protection' law.

It wasn't until Ukai realized the build-up of nerves was slowly killing him that he finally offered to walk with him and (quietly) monitor your meeting. On the grounds that he bought something, of course.

Ukai didn't try to settle him further, even when they rounded the corner to find a gaggle of teenagers loitering outside, smoking, and kicking a metal can around.

They tensed up when he walked through them. Some eyed his walking partner, some paid zero attention. The bell jingled as he pushed through, but he paused to let Nishinoya inside first and shout, "Y'all better buy something today!!"

A collective groan got cut short as the door closed behind him.

His gruff voice brushed past Nishinoya's stock-still body in the middle of the way--

"You're more trouble than you're worth, y'know that, kid?"

You were crouched by the refrigerated drinks on the very bottom row, shoving your arm all the way back to fix a piece of broken plastic so you could keep stocking bottles. Multiple opened boxes of soda surrounded the floor near you.

This place was a dump, but you needed the cash.

"Ohh, I thought that was what you were going for when you hired me," You scoffed, completely unbothered by his seniority over your job security.

Nishinoya was surprised to hear a genuine laugh from his coach. The sarcasm was new.

He approached the counter and craned his head to get a better look at how else you'd changed. Just as he was able to get a glance at your face under your cap, his view was obstructed by a newspaper swatting around in the air.

"Go buy something, Nishinoya," Ukai grumbled and groaned as he took his seat at the register, chair creaking.

A couple flicks of his lighter calmed him and eased his growing impatience, "And say somethin' already."

He sighed out the smoke through the side of his mouth. The kid's silence was creepy.

"Noya?" Your jaw was practically on the floor at the sight of your old neighbor, "No way!"

"Hey!!" You said at the same time, grinning.

When you stood up, it jogged his body full of energy he didn't need, and he quickly approached you- a strange mixture of anxiety, nostalgia, and relief pinging around in his head.

You were both laughing, looking each other up and down.

Your arms automatically raised for a hug. He had no second-thoughts to take you up on the offer.

He tripped forward a bit on one of the boxes of glass bottles in front of you, but you caught him before he could break any or tumble.

The hug felt way weirder than either of you were prepared for. His arms around your waist squeezed harder than you were expecting, and his back under your palms was much bigger than you remembered. He smelled like sweat and a nice cologne.

"That's coming out of your paycheck." Ukai shouted, monotone.

It was a good signal to let each other go, because a hug wasn't the best idea in hindsight.

The air felt thick and unsure for a difficult moment. There was everything and nothing to say at the same time.

"You're so tall now!" Nishinoya sighed, but there was no hint of jealousy. Just admiration for your new trait. At least one of you made it.

He did look amusingly similar to the last time you'd seen him.

"You're so-- built!" You affirmed, hands flying to grab his strong shoulders. His forearms and legs were well-defined and made him look healthy.

Of course he wasn't big, but it was clear he was in tip-top shape. You were beyond grateful he was taking good care of himself.

He choked on a nervous laugh- face lighting up bright red at your overexcited compliment. You blushed a bit at how easily you gave it and his ensuing coughing fit.

"Sorry..." You bit your lip. Yeah, you weren't besties anymore- it was a difficult reminder.

"No-g-hod, ah--," He cleared his throat and caught Ukai, feet up on the counter, with a smug look under his hand.

"It's so good to see you again," You tried to patch the approaching lull with a quiet, genuine statement.

The color on his face didn't go away, but he was happy to talk.

"I can't believe we didn't get each other's numbers before!" He laughed.

The vintage t-shirt you had on, baggy pants, and really nice sneakers reminded him a bit of Tanaka's style. In fact, you looked a lot like those teenagers outside.

The cool-ness you radiated was intimidating when he thought about it too hard. All he had on was a plain white shirt and black shorts his grandpa got him from some department store.

You were quick to whip your phone out before both of you forgot, trying to bite back the big grin on your face as you recalled, "Well, I didn't have a phone back then- and yours was broken, remember?"

A bit fumbly, he eventually clicked through the right apps to get to a spot where he could add you as a contact.

"Right!! I fell off my..." He trailed, wincing at the memory, "Fell off my bike. Down that ditch."

You returned his phone to him with your contact saved. He quickly tried to re-type his number in a few times on yours, but his excess energy was jumbling the numbers under his thumbs. God, they all looked like fives.

"You still have that scar?" You asked, grinning at the smiley face he sent you.

Nishinoya gave an enthusiastic nod and lifted one side of his shirt up to his chest. That familiar gash was now a light pink, but still pretty thick line. Your eyes flickered over the rest of his over-developed serratus muscles.

He was looking at it hard, too, and tucked his shirt in his teeth as he ran a couple fingers over the different texture. You glanced from one aisle on your right, to the drink fridge, back to his really nice body.

Only a bit muffled, he stated, distracted, "Took forever t' heal up."

When he let his shirt fall, there was a bite spot on the bottom hem. He used his forearm to wipe his mouth with. A big, stupid grin back up at you.

You realized you should probably keep stocking drinks when the door rang. Nishinoya shifted to sit next to you, as out of the way as he could get. You settled back to doing your last task before your shift could end.

"How's Karasuno?"

The question made him look a little bigger, a bit happier, "It's great! I'm the libero for the volleyball team there."

Nishinoya always loved volleyball. He'd talk your ear off about it to the point you used to block him out most of the time. You never cared much about it, but it made him beyond happy. To be a starter on the team must've been so important to him.

Excited, you gave his shoulder a shove with a giant smile, "That's so awesome!! Fuck, that's-- wow, man."

Aware of the lore behind the school, you suggested, "Maybe you're what they needed over there."

His head was buzzing. He realized he didn't get many compliments from anyone outside of the team. It carried a strange and alluring weight.

"How's Shiratorizawa?"

You shrugged with the faintest smile, "It's fine. Not exactly Chidoriyama."

He gave an easy, polite giggle at the reference to your shared antics in the good old days. He wanted to ask for more details, why that smile looked so sad, but decided against it.

After you added the last of the stock in, Ukai let Nishinoya help you break down the boxes and take them to the recycling on the way out.

"Thank you!" Nishinoya dropped some cash on the counter for a 16-oz Pocari Sweat as he zoomed out the door to catch up to you, arms filled with cardboard.

It was nearly getting to be spring, but towards the end of the day after the sun was down, it always took a harsh, cold turn.

You were both shivering with no jackets on your walk to the bus stop.

"--There's a lot that old man doesn't tell me," You rolled your eyes at the realization your boss had been the Karasuno volleyball coach, and the fact that it didn't come up once yet, "He lets me figure shit out on my own."

Nishinoya, once again, was taken aback by the way you talked about his feared and respected coach.

"He must like you a lot, though! I've never heard anyone talk to Coach that way," His tone expressed more astonishment than anything.

You shrugged, hands stuffed deep in your pockets, "Maybe."

Ukai was more or less your only mentor right now. Your parents were frequently away on business trips and school was somehow more alienating- the private academy's appeal lasted as long as it took to spit the name out for you.

Two years ago, when you got news that you passed that impossible entrance exam, it didn't occur to you that Nishinoya wouldn't. Not until he told you on his doorstep.

He called you 'lucky' to have been accepted, but it couldn't have felt any further from the truth.

The people at Shit-torizawa, as you called it, were a bunch of fakes and Daddy's money rich kids who'd never known struggle. Things had been grey for a while, and this winter was particularly tough.

Being able to see Nishinoya again was like feeling the warmth of a long-forgotten sun on your skin.

The bus crawled to a stop and sighed as it opened the doors for just you.

"Let's hang out soon!" He held his hand out for a fist bump.

It was leagues more comfortable to return than a hug.

"Hell yeah, shoot me a text!"

taglist:

none! reply to be added for the next part

[yumikoshigarakirp]

alright you said to so tell us everything about freezerburn! headcanons/canon stuff, cute things, fun facts, just everything you wanna talk about

Oh I’m trashing around, lets get it boys (some stuff on this will be added from my Tiktok because I post about them there a LOT bc ppl love them)

Manipulation, brief drugging mention (not done by Yumiko or Dabi), drinking, abuse mentions,

Under the cut cause its LONG, and anything explicitly NSFW is under its own section at the very bottom

General/During Canon Events —

Dabi fell for Yumiko first for sure, but he did not make a move on her until way later.

He listens to her conversations with the other League members, especially Jaxon and their friend Brooklyn (both ocs who weren’t born in Japan), to learn more about her since she isn’t open with him at first.

Yumiko went out to a bar one night with a couple other members of the League and got shitfaced and drugged and when they all got back Dabi was put in charge of taking care of her. During this they ended up laying in bed together since he was trying to get her to sleep and she wouldn’t let him leave, she kept staring at him as she does and he asked her why she stared so much.

— she said it’s just because she likes looking at him and he had to keep himself from rolling over and crying. And because of how close they’re laying together this is the first time he notices that her eyes aren’t just purple; they have spots of orange in them too.

Due to AFO telling her to, Yumiko did research into Endeavor and Touya Todoroki and it took like two or three months before she assumed Dabi was Touya.

They swapped shirts on accident one day and Toga immediately recognized they had switched because Dabi’s shirt was loose around Yumiko’s chest but super tight in the sleeves and Yumiko’s shirt was tight around Dabi’s chest but loose around the sleeves, cause Yumiko’s ribcage is smaller than his but her arms are way bulkier.

Yumiko loses her lighters a lot so she’ll have Dabi light her cigarettes or joints, eventually she stops buying lighters altogether cause of this.

When he saw her getting close to Spinner after they lost the hideout he maayyyyybeeee convinced her that Spinner would see her as nothing more than an extension of Tomura and that it was pointless to be with him cause he’d never see her as her own person. (Side note: not true, at all, but the lying did work because Yumiko stopped being anything more than friends with Spinner immediately after)

When they lose the hideout and have to be out in buildings without AC during the summer at some point, Yumiko throws a huge tantrum because it’s absolute torture with her quirk and she’s always two seconds from a heatstroke. She blames Tomura since it was his idea to bring Bakugo to their hideout which is partly how they got found out, and she gets into a small fist fight with Tomura before leaving the abandoned building they’re at to go find some cold water to lay in.

— Dabi is the only one to follow her and he asks her why she doesn’t just leave. This is the first time she rants about her obligation to Tomura to him personally. He doesn’t look at her for a few days following when he hears how much she’ll put up with just because Tomura is her family.

Dabi and Yumiko aren’t officially together until way after the final battle, but around the time they join the MLA they both understand there’s something between them and they’re treated like they’re dating.

Yumiko likes to rub her thumbs over Dabi’s scars and staples, and also likes to hold his chest when they sleep, it soothes her for some reason.

When Dabi isn’t using his quirk his body is cold, so if Yumiko is too hot he’ll let her lay up against him. Alternatively when its winter and her body starts getting colder than what its used to he’ll slightly heat up his body to get her back to her normal temperature.

Sometime after AFO has most control over Tomura’s body he ends up beating Yumiko in front of the League due to the little fist fight between Yumiko and Tomura I mentioned earlier, as a humiliation type of punishment. Afterwards she went off to sit by herself for the night. Dabi checks on her and she tells him she’s leaving in the morning.

— he tries to get to stay but can’t convince her. (Also tells her he’s Touya because she wasn’t nearby during the reveal.) They sleep together that night and its the first time Dabi says “I love you” to her. It completely throws her off and this is the point when she fully realizes she’s in love with him.

(Keep in mind for this next bit I deviate from canon in the sense that the time between Dabi’s dance and the final battle is way longer than what it is in canon I think)

Dabi and Yumiko end up having to fight each other during the final battle and her body reaches a low enough threshold temperature wise that by the end of the battle her heart has frozen over.

— When she’s taken to the hospital she has to have an emergency c-section and this ends in their son (Natsuto) having the same issues as Dabi quirk-wise.

During their time in the hospital Yumiko visits Touya daily once everyone has left and uses a thing I don’t feel like explaining rn to heal him little by little even though she’s advised not to by her doctors.

He for sure picks a fight with her every time she comes in to see him the first couple of weeks. He tells her that if she had stayed with him instead of joining the heroes he probably wouldn’t be so fucked up and maybe they would have won. (He’s only lashing out because when she ran off and joined the heroes he took it personally.)

Post Canon — (Using their real names here because that’s,, what they’d call each other after the dust clears.)

Yūka and Touya stay with Rei and Enji for a while after the war because they can’t live out on their own yet. Enji and Touya are both nervous that history will repeat itself with the new family, but thankfully they both end up mostly wrong.

Touya 1000% guilt trips Enji into paying for his and Yūka’s wedding. Enji’s only condition is that Touya tries his best to be a better husband than him.

They have Natsuto as their flower boy (Shoto helps guide him down the aisle since he’s like two when they get married.)

If it’s a universe where Tomura is still alive post war, he’s the one to walk Yūka down the aisle and is her “maid of honor”.

Yūka is already pregnant with their triplets (all girls) when the wedding takes place, and has a slight baby bump.

(Sidenote: I think Rei and Enji would feel that weird type of happiness where you’re also kind of sad at the same time during the wedding/any special moments with Yūka and Touya.)

These motherfuckers do not know what birth control is. They end up with Natsuto, the triplets (all girls), the twins (all girls), and one more boy. (Having seven kids makes Yūka start going grey early but it’s okay.)

Because I think it’s funny (not serious) to torture Touya, Natsuto ends up finding footage of the final battle and decides he wants to be a hero like Yūka (temporarily) was since he’s a huge mama’s boy.

— Natsuto can summon dry ice on his skin, and is immune to the gas that comes off of the chunks, but the dry ice itself gives him ice burns (yes that’s a thing, and only the canon version of him has this, Tumblr version is fine since he got done cooking fully.) and the first time they discover it hurts him Touya nearly had a panic attack especially since Natsuto wants to be a hero, was only comforted by Yūka handling the situation.

— Yūka immediately uses some shady connections to get Natsuto some support gear to wear for when his quirk acts up, since sometimes the dry ice pops up even when he doesn’t mean to.

Really anytime something happens that reminds Touya of his dad or childhood he looks to Yūka to take over because he doesn’t want to risk being like his dad and she’s normally much more calm about things.

All of their girls LOOOOOOVVEEEEE Touya, they all dogpile on him frequently.

I’ll rant more about the kids if prompted ugh.

Touya and Yūka have so much trouble switching back to their real names around each other for the first couple of years. (She almost called him Dabi during their wedding bows and he almost called her Yumiko.)

He’s like,, head to toe covered in scars after the war and Yūka still finds him so attractive 💔 as long as he’s not bald (half joking).

Alternate Universes I love putting them in that you should ask about—

UA student au (have a fic for this one rn)

College au

Pro hero au

True villain yumi au

Childhood friends au

Pro hero touya

Probs more, ask about em

Nsfw —

Yumiko likes to lick/put her tongue between Dabi’s staples. For some reason.

Yumiko tends to be the one in charge for a while when they first start fooling around, but Dabi’s a virgin when they first do anything so he appreciates extra time to just get used to even being sexually active.

Yumiko cried one time during sex and Dabi didn’t know if he should keep going or check on her 😭 (did both)

Dabi’s a quicky type of person and Yumiko’s a “let me play with your dick for a while before the main event” type of person.

Yumiko has gotten pinched by the staples on his thighs before.

Uhhh idk this is another thing that I’ll elaborate on more if prompted.

You guys can ask about other ships including Yumi btw I love pairing her with damn near everyone.

[veinsandknuckles]

You’ll just have to learn the hard way, pt 7

Brad Bakshi/cis f!Reader part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5 (explicit) PG

From a distance, Brad seems like a perfectly nice (and distractingly handsome) man. When you start working at Mythic Quest, he catches you looking on your very first day and happily lets you misunderstand him; by the time you realise what he’s really like, you find yourself already entangled.“Friends” to enemies-with-benefits, conflicted feelings, hate fucking with a slow build and all that good stuff.

-------------------

Through some miracle, the dinner went rather well. Everything stayed polite, everyone acted genuine and authentic, most of your own jokes and comments went over well. It certainly helped that no one seemed to expect you to make any real contributions beyond nods and smiles.

You were more than happy to act the part of the wide-eyed, easily pleased trophy date, especially since it meant you could shower the other two with attention and show Brad what he was missing out on. Of course, he wouldn’t take it that way, but at least it made you feel better.

His guests were nice enough to you - belittling in a thoughtless way but never sleazy, even a couple of bottles of wine in. The food was surprisingly good; fancy without being too pretentious. The drinks were good but you paced yourself carefully.

And Brad really was on his best behaviour. Watching him string people along like this was uncanny. He didn’t flatter, he didn’t hesitate to disagree with either of them, but he really did appear to enjoy himself, and looked for all the world as if there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

He even included you in this sudden attack of courtesy. The only reason you could tell he hadn’t been possessed by a much nicer - and duller - person was that once or twice, when either of the fat cats said something particularly inane, he just couldn’t stop himself from gently kicking your foot with his. Apparently the two of you were a team as soon as Brad decided you were no longer the most pathetic person in the room.

It might just be the wine, but Gabriel seemed to take a fancy to you. You weren’t sure how Brad had introduced you before you’d arrived; certainly not as his girlfriend, but it could still be an attempted power play, trying to steal you away with subtle compliments and less subtle bragging. He even slid his card across the table and said something about always being on the hunt for fresh talent. You thanked him warmly, told him you were spoken for and left it by the side of your plate. Brad looked about to laugh but said nothing.  

-----

And then, thankfully, after some of the tensest hours of your recent life, it ended. Brad asked you to wait for him at the bar, you gave your most polite goodbyes and felt yourself grow lighter with every step you took away from that table.

The bartender seemed attentive, but rather than sit down for another drink, you just lingered, leaning on the counter and waited for Brad to come over to get his stern talking-to. It took a couple of minutes. A movement in the corner of your eye made you look up - you hadn’t heard him approach, but there he was standing beside you, looking satisfied.

“I thought that went pretty well.”

“Got what you came for, did you?”

He shrugged. “We’ll see. Speaking of which, you forgot this.” He held up the card Gabriel had handed you.

“Oh. Yeah.” You sighed, stepped back and took it.

Brad put his head to one side. “You weren’t planning on keeping it, were you?”

“Why should I? I already told him I’m not interested.”

“Sure. He’s only handsome, rich and charming.” His eyes glittered. You’d hadn’t been left to stew for even five minutes, and he was already back to trying to wind you up again.

“Yeah. Like I said, not my type.”

“Yeah, I guess we both know charming doesn’t do it for you.”

“Can I leave now?”

Brad shook his head in disbelief. “Come on, let me at least buy you a drink. You can tell me what you’re so pissed off about this time.”

As if he didn’t know... but he didn’t relent. “You can throw the drink in my face if you like.”

“Fine.”

“See? I know what women want.” He slid onto a stool and waved over the bartender. “Scotch, please, no ice. And whatever the lady asks for.”

Despite your better judgement, you joined him and hopped onto the stool beside him after pulling it away to a safe distance. “I’ll have a gin and tonic.”

Brad scoffed. “Really?”

“The very cheapest gin and tonic you can make, thank you.”

“Jesus.” You could almost hear Brad rolling his eyes. “So, what did I do wrong this time?”

Now you glared at him and tried to broadcast as clearly as possible that as far as you were concerned, he did everything wrong. “You made me feel like a piece of meat tonight. And not in a good way.”

“...I took you out to an incredible dinner with two of the most important people in our field.”

“Yeah, as your arm candy.”

The bartender returned with your drinks. In the pause, Brad took a sip of his and made no attempt to deny the accusation. You pressed on.

“I can’t represent MQ in any meaningful way and you couldn’t count on me to make you look good. The only reason you asked me along was to humiliate me.”

“If that was my plan, it failed. You were charming.” He looked so pleased with himself, it only made you angrier. He fixed you with another look, one of unabashed admiration. “You really can just turn it on and off, can’t you?”

You knocked back about half of your drink. “...When I have to.” God, it was bitter. Very fitting.

“You smiled, you giggled, you told cute, self deprecating little anecdotes... anyone who didn’t know better would think you were having a blast.”

“Yeah, but you do know better.” Where was he going with this?

Brad scooted his chair a little closer. “So how come you never tried to reel me in? You might have succeeded.”

“Really?”

“Of course not, but you didn’t know that when we met. At work you seem to be sweet to everybody.”

It’s called being polite, asshole. “Is it really so difficult to believe someone might really be interested in you? I mean, if they didn’t know you.”

“No, I was pretty sure from the start that you wanted me to fuck you,” he said without even bothering to lower his voice. “That part isn’t surprising. But in my book only an idiot would fuck their boss without angling for at least a pay raise.”

You sucked in a sharp breath and looked over your shoulder to make sure no one had overheard him. “Shut up, will you? And stop saying you’re my boss - you’re really not.”

“Your superior, then. Even better.”

He was just baiting you again - for all you could tell, his comment about throwing your drink in his face had been more of a wish than a joke. His insinuation bothered you, though.

“No, I was never angling for a pay raise.”

“So you’re an idiot.”

That was a playground-level insult and not worth a reply. On the other hand, you had just spent an entire evening letting Brad puppeteer you because you were that desperate to encourage his teasing...

“Even if you owned the entire company, I wouldn’t suck up to you. If you liked me I’d take it as an insult.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, princess - I already like you.”

Yeah, that figured. You gripped your glass tight, considered smashing it over his head but instead downed the last of the cocktail. “See you at work, Brad.”

Without giving him a chance to reply, you went for the door as quickly as you could duck past the staff and the other guests, snatched your coat from the rack and walked out into the cold. If he really was trying to rile you up until you caused a scene in public, you were happy to disappoint.

You looked around but saw no cabs passing this quiet street. If there was any justice in the world, you could order one to pick you up before Brad got impatient and headed out himself. Your fingers shook as you unlocked your phone and rifled through your apps. Before you’d had a chance to press the right icon, the door opened again behind you and he stepped out. You didn’t even have to look up to know it was him. He bumped your shoulder gently, forcing you to step sideways.

“What do you want?”

“I dunno. We could go for another drink.”

“No, what do you really want?”

Brad reached up and wiped a snowflake from your cheek. You bared your teeth without even thinking and he laughed. With his eyes locked on yours, he swiped his thumb across your bottom lip. This time you just shivered and closed your eyes. Do whatever you want, just stop teasing...

As if you’d spoken the thought aloud, he softly asked “how about I get us a hotel room?”

Your eyes snapped open. The question hung in the air but try as you might, you couldn’t read him. You sounded hoarse. “Will that finally get this is over with?”

Another little laugh. “Are you asking if I’m gonna get bored and drop you once you let me win?”

“Yes.”

He seemed to ponder this. Then, with a smile and a shrug, “yeah, I probably will.” Of course he wouldn’t lie about something like that. “Why - don’t you want me to?”

“God, yes.” Whether he meant dropping you or fucking you didn’t matter. Either worked.

“Alright, then. I’ll call us a cab.”

[audio-luddite]

My Advice on building a system.

I am going to name names. I assume old classic gear as the new high end stuff is unreasonably expensive. You can build a legitimate high end system for reasonable money.

Assuming you are NOT going to go under the hood to fiddle. You will get bone stock with perhaps recent service, these are my nominations for a Stereo power amplifier.

Bryston 4B first pick. At least 250 Watts per side and I am pretty sure dual mono power supply. Old units are 1200 to 2000 CDN. Yes fully solid state.

Second Pick is it's little brother the 3B at about 1/2 the power and price.

There are many out there so pretty easy to find. There are 29 listed in the Canuck Audio Mart.

Since 1990 they have honored a 20 year warranty and will upgrade any of the older units at the factory.

Honorable mentions are Harmon Kardon Citation 16, and 90s era Crown amps, Adcom, and Haflers.

Note no Tube amps. Those buggers are expensive.

These are my nominations for Preamplifiers:

Surprise, first choice is any Audio Research from SP9 and up for under $2500 bucks. Though you may need to go under the hood to adjust the phono input to a capacitance compatible with many phono cartridges. There are a few around and they always turn up from time to time.

Second choice is any unit that is between $1500 and $2500 bucks and has legitimate provenance. Until you can grab an ARC.

TURNTABLES:

This is a bit sticky. Good old reasonable brands are Lynn, Ariston, and the high end Technics. Others appear from time to time. You MUST have a dustcover lid thing as LPs do not like dust. One that closes, not the weird type with no sides. Expect to pay between $500 and $1500 for a good one. The platter should be metal and heavy. Glass will develop static electric charges which dust loves. I have been lucky to find two linear tracking TTs those do not come up often.

Phono Pickup / Cartridges:

I have a prejudice against moving coils for pretty good reasons. That leaves moving magnets and moving iron types. Those have far lighter moving structures than MCs. Keeping it simple you usually cannot buy NOS as the suspension parts age used or not.

I will try to limit it to good reliable brands as prices are over a broad range, and it is a place I like to play. I have 5 or six pick ups which is too many.

In the Classic range Shure V15 body with a new stylus. The stylus can cost several hundred bucks alone. New stylus avoids the aging suspension problem.

Current production; Audio Technica AT7V is my favorite this month. Grado Timbre series. Ortofon 2M series.

Start around $200 USD or so. Over $300 bucks the selection gets quite meaty.

Speakers:

Oh Dear this is tricky. There are many choices, but they depend on your available space, budget, music preference, and phase of the moon. To a great degree where you are drives selection. Speakers are large and awkward to ship usually.

Brands to look for: B&W, Kef, Magnepan, JBL, Listen to them before purchase if you can.

I of course build my own. That is actually a lot of fun. If you have the carpentry skills to build a box it is relatively easy.

[creativepromptsforwriting]

How to write a character with glasses

A guide for anyone wanting to write characters with glasses, but doesn’t know how yet.

 Different types of visual impairment

Near-sighted – not being able to see stuff in the distance

Far-sighted – not being able to see stuff up close

Presbyopia – easier in German: Altersweitsichtigkeit = elderly far-sightedness, not being able to read small print when you’re older, sometimes end up being far- and near-sighted at the same time

Astigmatism – light is not focused evenly on the retina, results in distorted and blurry vision

it’s also pretty normal to have different prescriptions for both eyes, one being stronger/weaker than the other one

 Different types of visual aids

Eyeglasses with actual glasses – easier to break, so more dangerous, can be grinded and polished differently than other material

Plastic glasses – lighter than the real glass, not that easy to get damaged

Reading glasses – only needed for reading and driving

Monocle – old-fashioned aesthetic

Bifocals – glasses that correct presbyopia, bottom is seeing closer, top for seeing in the distance

Contact lenses – different types (post about it coming soon)

 How to write it?

think about what kind of visual impairment does your character have?

what are they able to see?

can they see basically everything, but cannot read correctly?

can they see enough to get by, but cannot read and drive and get headaches without their glasses?

can they only see blurred images and colours?

do not change it halfway through the story! Choose their impairment and then stick with it.

what are situations where the glasses could hinder them?

are they doing a lot of sport, are they getting into fights, situations where they don’t want to wear them for aesthetic reasons?

can they not do something because of their impairment? (joining security forces, driving big trucks, etc.)

are they annoyed that they have to wear them? Are they only wearing contact lenses or are they just avoiding wearing anything even though they can’t see everything?

you don’t have to make a big deal out of your character wearing glasses, but it does play a big part in your character’s life

remember to put in a few references about it here and there throughout the story

things to consider

glasses fog up

through temperature changes

while going outside or coming in

while sweating

glasses need to be adjusted

they will never stay where they are supposed to be

especially when moving around and keeping your head down

the character will need to adjust them from time to time and push them up again

glasses need to be cleaned a lot

everything will make them dirty

best option are specific cleaners

if you don’t have them handy a shirt will have to do, but it needs to be the right material, synthetic stuff is not working

people with glasses will ask their friends for their shirts if they have to

sunglasses, swim goggles and 3D glasses are impractical

3D glasses need to be over the glasses and it can be tricky to get it right

sunglasses need the right prescription and then you would have to change glasses every time you enter a building

there are clips that go over the normal glasses, but they have to be exact to look fine

swim goggles can also be with prescription, but you would also have to get your glasses as soon as you’re out of the water to take the goggles off and still see enough

there are also special glasses for other sports (it’s not great to do sports with real glasses, because if they break it can severely damage your eyes)

times where you have to take the glasses off

when showering

when going to bed

when putting on shirts with a tight neckline

glasses are expensive

some insurances pay for them, a lot don’t

the worse the eyesight the more expensive they get

glasses and frames are two different things and get sold separately (you can have really expensive glasses in a cheap frame or vice versa)

you also need a spare pair of glasses, if you lose yours or they get damaged (often this is just an old pair, where the prescription is no longer strong enough)

more things to consider

a new partner cannot just take the glasses and throw them to the side, when the fun starts, if it leaves the character without being able to see properly, there needs to be some more trust there

people will take the glasses and put them on, yelling ‘OMG you’re really blind!’ and then ask you how they look like, especially funny when you really can’t see them

people asking ‘how many fingers can you see?’

light hits differently, which means you see light differently and also, it’s hard to take good pictures with glasses

rain is a nightmare, it’s like driving through rain without a windshield wiper

having to be careful on roller coasters and other stuff, because they can and will fly off

especially with astigmatism it’s hard to drive at night

going to the hair dresser can be annoying when they take your glasses off and then ask you if that’s the right length to cut it and you can’t see it

you cannot lie in bed (except on the back) without the glasses pressing uncomfortable in your face

mascara definitely will end up on the glasses and getting that cleaned is a nightmare

wearing hats, beanies, giant headphones and even facemasks can be extra annoying, because the arms of the frame will get in the way

you can get headaches from not wearing your glasses, from the pressure of the frame of the glasses and from wearing new and therefore glasses with a stronger prescription

small children love glasses, as soon as they can grab stuff, they will yank them off your face if you let them get close enough

kids will tease you about them, but after middle school it’s not really a thing anymore (mostly and as adults it’s really nothing special)

glasses have blind spots on the sides and top and bottom, so you sometimes have to move your head more

Tropes

Blind without glasses and dropped glasses

I actually only have sharp vision for a distance of 10 cm, which means I would not get home save if I had to cross a street to get to my building without glasses

but I very rarely lose my glasses

so, the trope of someone not being able to see without them is correct in some cases, but it’s definitely not hilarious and there are not often situations where they are just without glasses and fumbling around

Being smart

people wearing glasses can be just as dumb as everyone else

try not to make the only one wearing glasses be the smart kid

The Cure

often found in fantasy books, people will somehow get cured from needing glasses

getting some superpowers that eradicate their visual impairment and ‘fixing’ them

The Makeover scene

I love makeover scenes just like everybody else does

but: it’s not really cool to see the ‘ugly duckling’ suddenly becoming a beautiful swan by throwing away their glasses

and it’s impractical, if they just put them away and it was established that they can’t really see that well without them it’s just stupid to leave them at home

if they get new and cooler glasses, the person giving them to them would have needed to know their exact prescription, glasses are expensive and it takes time before they are ready

if they wear contact lenses from now on, they would also need to know the prescription and if they have never worn contact lenses before it will take some time to get used to putting them in and wearing them

Finally… please write characters with glasses. This sounds like a lot of hassle, but for most people it’s the most normal thing in the world. Studies show that soon half the world population will need glasses and I still didn’t really have a cool girl with glasses as a role model in literature when I grew up. It’s just another form of representation and I hope I can help you with this post to create some cool characters!

If you like my blog and want to support me, you can buy me a coffee! 🥰

[thebibliosphere]

Hello! I hope that you are well* (*As well as can be, in spoonie terms). I'm writing to ask if you have any Spoonie Advice on how to keep going with house repairs when it seems like your house invents new ways to be inaccessible every week. I had to move recently, and meeting the rising tide of accessibility challenges in my new apartment is daunting and tiring. Any tips, tricks, or words of wisdom? (No pressure to answer though, if you don't have the spoons or wouldn't like to!)

Hello, thank you <3 I hope you're doing well too. (With the same caveat of course lol)

My advice would be to do what is immediately available to you to improve your life and help you preserve energy for the big things.

When we first moved into our house, I was suffering the worst of my fatigue. Yet foolishly, I did very little to make my life easier. I was stuck in the mentality of not wanting to spend money on temporary fixes that would make my life easier because we would eventually redo the entire space.

So why bother to invest in a shower chair so I can sit down and preserve energy while I wash? We were going to redo the tub soon. Why bother with mobility aids that suction to the wall and don't require drilling? We're going to be installing permanent ones at some point. Why waste $20 on an ugly piece of plastic that I eventually won't need?

I did the same in our apartment. Why bother to do XYZ to the space when it would never be our permanent home? I could manage, I could cope. I didn't need to make minor accommodations when we would eventually make major ones.

Was there some internalized ableism going on there? More than probably. Was I justifying denying myself aids that would improve my life because I was suffering under the idea of being more efficient and cost-effective in the long run? Absolutely.

So yeah, when everything seems overwhelming, look around your space and try to assess what can easily be helped with a quick trip to your local Walgreens or Home Depot, or a quick look at Amazon and browsing through the accessibility options.

Would a shower chair help you preserve energy in the shower? Great! They can also double as extra flat storage space at the side of the tub/shower when not in use.

Would temporary suction cups bars help your stability in the shower? Also great. And the good thing about temp ones is you can take them with you if you wind up going somewhere where you're not sure your accessibility needs will be met.

Would extra laundry baskets help you pre-sort your laundry, thus removing an extra step from the executive dysfunction chain come laundry day? Awesome.

Would removing cabinet doors help with executive dysfunction so you can see where everything is? Cool. Most are easy to unscrew and set aside for putting back on later if/when you move on from a rented space.

Same with labels? Would labeling things help you find stuff? You could buy a label maker, or you could get some crafting tape that peels off from (most) finishes easily and write them by hand.

Would something like the 15-minute pick-up help you keep on top of your cleaning routine and make it easier for you to tackle? Fab. I bought a bunch of cheap buckets and baskets from Ikea to keep things contained. Helps with my dust allergies and reduces tripping hazards in the house.

Can't reach the storage space in your house? We bought low-down sorting bins for me to use that don't require a lot of upward mobility. You can get some pretty stuff at Ikea too if you're able to build things or have someone who can help you with them.

If the counters in your kitchen are too high, are you able to place a table you can comfortably sit at for food prep, or can you bring a chair into the space you can use to boost yourself up the counter height?

What about your utensils? Would tools designed for mobility help save energy/reduce injury? (Some good examples when searching Amazon for 'knives for arthritis'.)

I don't know what your specific needs are, but if you would like to discuss examples with me, I can try to help troubleshoot them and lighten the mental load. That’s the benefit of having a diverse disabled community around you. We get to share our experiences and our life hacks. And they're usually more helpful than "install an entire pulley system of ropes and sliders across your basement staircase to do your laundry in the basement" when you're talking about waiting to install a washer and dryer on your main floor lol.

(I love all of you. It's just mentally taxing when people all keep suggesting the same thing repeatedly. Especially when that thing involves major structural work that isn't actually as simple as it sounds.)

Of course, these are all steps that require money, but that is sadly true of most accessibility steps. The world is not built with us in mind, so it always costs extra for us to function in it. But from experience? It's money well spent, even if you have to do it gradually and if the goal is to replace them with "better" things in the end. Tackling things in little steps helps. And honestly, sometimes you don’t realize how much the accumulative weight of minor problems is weighing on you until you pick them off one by one.

A kilo of feathers still weighs the same as a kilo of steel. Just because one is softer and not as hard looking doesn’t make it any lighter to carry.

[meryamthebadassbitch]

𝕯𝖎𝖔𝖗 𝖘𝖆𝖚𝖛𝖆𝖌𝖊 & 𝖈𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖘// 𝖆 𝕵𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝕵𝖚𝖓𝖌𝖐𝖔𝖔𝖐 𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑 𝖘𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖞

Listen, bitch, is it fucking bad that I am addicted to 'Daddy Issues by the neighbourhood suddenly got a whole ass fanfic idea on my mind, so here fucking I am, thank you so much for the likes in my other disgusting fanfics and if you would like to share this one with your friend I would be happy since my mother told me if you have more than 55 likes on the next, I'll buy you a BTS t-shirt, I'm NOT FORCING YOU GUYS LOL, thank you and enjoy! oh, I'm planning on writing a Levi book on Wattpad tell me your opinion @meryamchaline45

Based on a song called: Daddy Issues

Warning: Blood, smoking, sexual harassment, daddy issues, mention of death, slight smut, harassment, Thief!Reader, Skategirl!Reader, abuse, abusive parents, parents cheating, ANGST, swearing!!

abusive parents, parents cheating, ANGST!!

(IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS TYPE OF STUFF, DON'T READ!! don't report this please you have been warned)

Munching the food quietly she thought of nothing but how Seoul looked beautiful at night, a small scoff escaped her lips as she paid for the delicious food, looking at her wallet sighing, no money left. Taking her skateboard she stole a cap and a mask on her way out her E/C eyes immediately wide at the sound of the cashier yelling at her with a bat in his hand about to catch, slamming the door open she ran down the stairs not looking back, the cold breeze hitting her face as she ran grabbing her skateboard she skated between the cars so the man wouldn't catch her.

Her father grabbed her harshly by the hair followed by her skateboard and bag in the other hand, throwing her out of the house in the middle of the streets, every neighbor not even daring to welcome her even though they could see the pain and fear in her E/C eyes, but worst of all they still dared to watch and film her out of the window, I know it must be rough? damn, right it is.

Jungkook was hanging out with his group as usual and it seems like they got out of the café, but stopped brutally upon noticing cops chasing a H/C haired girl and grabbed her, slamming her face harshly against the car in front of them, a wince left the girls lips as she raised her hand in the air as she yelled out some words "it's a water bottle, please !" but the cops didn't seem to care since they cuffed her and decided to take her with them, as they turned around the girl cold eyes met Jungkook's dark brown ones, and that was his opportunity to study her face, she had beautiful H/C hair which was pretty messy, S/C skin, and had blood running down her nose and a cut on the corner of her soft lips, and it seems like she got into a fight for what? a bottle of water.

Watching the scene happening in front of them he stared as one of the cops broke her skateboard in half earning a bloody scream from her. "NO! how dare you!" she yelled with rage in her eyes as she was about to attack the police officer and punch the hell out of him but couldn't since the handcuffs stopped her from doing so but still the girl fell on her knees trying so hard to grab hold of the broken skateboard.

Sitting in front of the police officer she stared into nothing but emptiness; blinking ever so slightly her throat dry and didn't even dare to ask for water, "can I leave?" she asked her voice cracking as she sat on the chair, wanting to just kill herself. Grabbing her bag, phone, and broken skateboard she walked out of the police station to the place where she usually slept, the park.

Surprisingly she got a job the next day, and that is selling some street food with an old woman, the job got pretty handy, well, at least she would have 10$ to eat something and have a single water bottle for the day and not die from hunger, packing some dumplings in the small box she grabbed one of the bags signaling to the women "I'll go take these and will be right back Ajumma?" a small smile was on her lips as she walked away holding the hot food in her hand, the aged women seemed to be caring for her and would always give her some money even though she was poor and more broke than Y/N was, but still considered her as her daughter.

Knocking at one of the doors, she could hear the sound of music blasting and laughter, smiling at the memory of her being the best dancer back at school she opened the door peaking inside, the sight of a group of boys she recognized when getting arrested she handed the pink-haired boy the bag, "Jimin-ah~ you pay this time!" said a brown-haired boy behind him with a boxy smile, Jimin slightly rolled his eyes before smiling brightly at the girl taking his wallet out, a Gucci wallet which looked expensive, not like she wanted to steal it but these boys must be rich.

Bowing one last time, she walked away making sure to thank them and have a good day, "Ajumma, no I can't take them anymore what about you, you need your medicine so keep them besides I'll be okay for one day?" she said pushing them gently with a small smile, nodded Ajumma defeated but still thanked the girl a 100 times. "it was nice working with you, Ajumma, but I think I should go to either Busan or Daegu, I can't stay here anymore or dad will find me and- you know? so I'm gonna need you to go right now to the pharmacy and buy that medicine, we worked so hard for that now go!" she said pushing her gently toward the pharmacy with a small smile, pulling her into one last hug she kissed her forehead before walking away, waving slightly one last time before continuing her 'travel' in search of some way to escape Seoul before her father takes her back once again.

Sitting beside the boy she took his cigarette from his hand throwing it on the ocean in front of her, as he was about to grab another one she threw the box on the water, "so, do you want me to teach you that this mother fucker is a killer?" she said chuckling slightly at how he hated her already for throwing his precious addiction, "anyways, I need your help?" she said out of the blue, Jungkook raised his eyebrow waiting for her to continue her words "we all know you're rich as fuck, and I need you to buy me tickets to Daegu?" listening slightly to her words he took a picture of the couple kissing inside a laundromat with his camera, nodding slowly she almost squealed but stopped upon hearing his next words "in one condition?" "and that is ?" "I'll help you sneak inside my ex-house and go inside her room, to the drawer and there will be my clothes" "fine, when?" she said agreeing with his plan.

Standing in front of his ex house, she nodded at him before starting to climb the windows and could hear the sound of him talking to that girl more like flirting, looking at the window she could see them making out on the couch she had, opening the room window she did as told opening the drawer and grabbing all his stuff, a ripped book, AirPods, music DVDs and laptop looking at the polaroid with Jungkook smiling she stuffed it inside her pocket before looking at the room one last time.

Walking down the empty road beside Jungkook she handed him her bag full of his stuff, "you give it back tomorrow, you know where to find me? stay cool." she said smiling while flicking him off, the maknae staring at the girl with a small smile, this was her way on how to say goodbye or goodnight, the boy slowly waved back taking his keys from his pocket, opening the door of the black mansion greeting his mother on the way who seemed to smile sheepishly at him "who's the girl?" "mom I just met her" Jungkook looked so done as he stared at his mother dumbfounded

Opening the wagon door she ruffled her H/C hair after doing her routine, jumping down the wagon, she closed the door making sure to lock it with padlock, walking down the road she hid behind the wall watching as the man turned around running she grabbed a croissant, hiding it inside her jacket, thank god, he didn't notice and no one seemed to be out yet this neighborhood was always empty. the girl didn't have anything to think of but only the fact that this month was rough, she would eat once a day or not for a week, the asshole of the policeman broke her skateboard her mother got her before passing away and now she's a very famous thief in Seoul, what a beautiful life?

Nah, she always thought of giving up and standing at the edge of one of these buildings surrounding her, letting her body fall and join her mother. but couldn't, she didn't want to die and also promised her mother. Cursing under her breath Y/N limped to the front door of the beautiful black mansion, the door was suddenly slammed open and a woman stood there with wide eyes full of worry, glancing at the H/C haired leg Jungkook's mother immediately pulled her in sitting the girl down, the girl on the other side was shocked 'is this the wrong house? no, I remember JK saying this is his house' she thought confused but could see him coming out of a room holding a box, the boy slowly sat in front of her and started treating her wound out of as she sat there defeated and stared at him, his black curly hair looked so soft and his perfume was just UGH ravishing.

The food in front of her immediately got her attention as she started eating fastly, Jungkook mom laughing slightly at the girl "how many days didn't you eat something delicious?" "2 months, but don't worry- I only ate ramen 2 days ago!" she said munching slightly, Jungkook could see how her E/C eyes showed hope and slight happiness whenever she's eating, the girl was shining slightly than the last time he saw her, she was about to attack a police officer for breaking her skateboard and next was her handing a bag of dumpling to Jimin.

Sitting in front of the pool they had, she slowly took Jungkook's lighter from her pocket she found back in his ex house, playing with it she wrapped his sweater around her waist to great some heat, it was freezing but she needed to clear her mind a little bit, she was thankful of them, they gave her food, treated her wounds, gave her warm comfy clothes and welcomed her to stay with them...

And how much the girl wanted to kiss their hands for that, they made her feel safe after 8 years of the trauma and problematic life she finally felt home. The sound of someone walking behind made her stop from playing with the fire, wiping her head behind she smiled slightly at Jungkook who held a blanket sitting beside her putting the cover around both their bodies suggesting for her to get closer and not be afraid.

The handsome boy slowly handed her the phone back, it was midnight, thanking him she opened her phone, 1 notification, that's odd. Frowning she looked at the boy asking whenever to do it or not, nodding at her she tapped on the notification, her dad.

-------------------------------- 𝘼𝙨𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙚 🖕-------------------------------

Happy birthday Darling, you turned 19, don't worry you're still my little girl right?

Fuck you.

Dad.

Seen 00:00

Just before he could even answer her text, she blocked him and deleted his number feeling calm and free, clenching the blanket around her hand she looked away trying not to let her tears fall, not wanting to show her weak side in front of Jungkook who seemed to know the situation and reason why she was cold and wants to run away. His anger was boiling, how dare a dad do this to his daughter? tomorrow was his final day alive he swore to make him pay for what he has done to his daughter. "it's your birthday?" he asked waiting for her to answer the question or at least look at him, 'why am I feeling empty when she's like that?' he thought nudging her shoulder, nodding she looked at him straight in the eyes tears covered her orbs as she stared at him deeply, her walls breaking down as she finally let them fall after staying strong for years.

살아남아야 한다."~Namjoon BTS (방탄소년단) 화양연화

Jungkook stared at her with guilt in his eyes pulling her into his embrace the girl cried quietly in his chest letting it all out. Not even noticing she fell asleep in his arms.

Holding the notebook in her hand, she knocked on the door of his room, hearing a groan behind the door she opened it looking at Jungkook who was fixing his hair, giving him a poker face she closed the door behind looking around his room, "shit, this place is fire" "I know right?!" he said on the other side trying to tie his hair into a ponytail, chuckling slightly she walked toward him standing on her tiptoe, "give it to me" doing as told he handed her the tie, her fingers slowly trailed down his hair sending a shiver down his spine at how cold her hands are, but a small smirk raised on the corner of his lips as his playboy self started showing Jungkook suddenly turned around before she could even finish his hair, landing on top of her his leg between hers as their faces were inches away from each other, his bunny smile on his face as he innocently grinned at her as if nothing happened.

Her eyes were dull and numb, but they lit upon seeing his beautiful smile

Having an amazing plan, she wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him closer as she leaned in, her nose bumping his, with Jungkook staring at her parted lips not pulling away and liking the way how she pulled him closer, his lips so soft that she wanted to kiss them so badly but couldn't, twirling him around it was now her turn to smirk, she was on top of him grinning innocently while ruffling his black hair

"come on, time for dinner"

Walking down the streets of Seoul while listening to some music, she slowly walked into one of the cafes that lined up the street of Seoul. Pushing the door open the little bell at the door jingled when she walked in and the scent of coffee hit her like a truck, this café wasn't crowded and it was one of her favorites, for these past days both the teenagers got closer day by day and still couldn't open up to him yet, it was so hard. and it would be a terrible lie if she doesn't catch feelings for him. "hello, can I get an iced-americano please?" she said looking at the cashier taking out the money from her pocket she slammed it on the counter before making her way toward one of the tables, playing with the flannel shirt she burrowed from Jungkook the girl waited for her order, phone ringing she slowly answered the call

"Hello? are you fucking kidding me what has he done?!" yelled the girl hanging up, slamming the door open the girl ran down the streets

Jungkook on the other side drove in rage toward where her 'father' worked, sitting down on one of the chairs his feet tapping on the ground nervously as he glared at the ground, a man came toward him with a smirk on his face, Breathless with anger, he stood up and immediately punched the man square in the jaw he didn't care about anything at the

moment but to just make him pay for what he did to his daughter.

Dashing down the streets pushing past the people, everyone at first thought that flash just passed by them while it was just a girl running with panic in her eyes, walking inside the police station the H/C haired girl immediately pulling the boy into a hug, tears covering her E/C eyes, as she pushed the strand of hair from his face staring lovingly at him she cupped his cheek looking for any injury. Sighing she glared sharply at her father "you deserved it" she said spitting in his face one last time before walking out of the police station asking Jungkook if he was okay, driving back home in silence the girl thought 'why did he do that?'

Sitting him down she grabbed the first aid kit and some alcohol, it was now her turn to help him, "this will hurt, so grab my hand" sitting down in front of him Y/N gently pressed the cotton on the huge bruise he had in his hand not caring the fact he's hurting her hand due to the pain he felt, "I'm so sorry" she said out of nowhere not even glancing at him, wrapping the bandage around his bruised hand she tried to ignore how bad she wanted to hug him by trying to get up but Jungkook already beat her to it, with one simple fucking move. Cupping her cheek the boy pulled her back down and made her face him stopping her from moving, his hand pressing on her cheeks as his soft fingers caressed her ear sending a shiver down her spine, her legs suddenly became weak as she stared back into his doe eyes, his gorgeous orbs shining under the moonlight like a diamond in the center of a museum was everything for her

His Dior Sauvage perfume only made it worse, it was her favorite scent aside from coffee, she felt giddy and happy whenever she sees him and just want to squeeze him tight and never let go. but now it was her whole body burning like fire

"Y/N please, tell me what is going on and I promise I'll help you with anything?" he said looking at her E/C eyes back and forth still holding her cheek butterflies dancing on her stomach as she stayed silent not wanting to ruin this moment with her fucked up past, she was about to pull him into a kiss, the same feeling kicked in, she just wanted to feel his lips on hers for few seconds was is a hard thing to ask? the sound of the door slamming open made them snap out of their position and fall on the ground.

"dude..."

There stood the boys staring at them awkwardly, coughing she got up wiping her clothes from any dust making her way to her room "wait, Y/N you promised me!" "I'm sorry Tae but I don't feel like playing..." "no, you're coming now sit down" rolling her eyes annoyingly she walked back down and sat on the ground waiting for the boys to follow her movement. Watching as the bottle spun in front of her, the girl breathing hitched upon seeing the green bottle landing on her, slightly panicking she shot a look that could make the bravest of warriors scream in terror, but Tae who didn't seem to care, challenged her "Truth or dare?" "Truth" "what were you both doing when we came in?" "talking duh." her simple sarcastic answer only annoyed Tae more than he was and that made her smirk proudly 'i'm not falling for one of those plans, Taehyung' she thought raising an eyebrow at the boy who smirked back at her "then why the sexual tension, and you about to kiss him?" grin fading and eyebrow falling she stared coldly at the boy his blood running cold at the look the girl just sent him "i-i take that back" stuttered the boy still feeling her staring straight into his soul, the game continued but surprisingly it didn't land on her anymore.

Sitting on her bed, she pushed the blanket away from her cold body, opening the door slightly trying not to make a noise as possible, making sure to close it behind her before she made her way toward Jungkook's room knocking 3 times. Jungkook jolted up from his bed at the thought of Y/N and immediately ran to open the door, he was right, there she was standing slightly shivering from the cold but before he could even protest to give her something to warm up or say anything, she already pulled him toward the Kitchen, opening the fridge she slowly grabbed hold of ice cream box and two spoons, sitting beside him she stared at the clock ticking in front of her "wanna know why I always throw your cigarettes whenever I see you holding one?" she said glancing at the boy who already stared at her continuing her words "because my mother was so addicted to this fucker, sure, it revealed her stress but it also made her sick, we would always go to the rooftop and talk about anything that comes to our mind, that was until he decided to cheat on her out of nowhere and started going to clubs, she didn't find out by herself, but I did, I told her in our usual ted talk we had at night while watching the stars flicker, surprisingly my mom didn't seem to care since she already noticed his sudden behavior, so being a good mother she wanted divorce and when she told him I told her about the whole thing, of me coming home from school and seeing a bitch on top off him, he started doing it to her. Days passed and mom got weaker day by day and everything was becoming worse as she started smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, and I don't want to lose you too after losing my own mother" she said scoffing a little bit at the memory flashing on her mind tears covering her E/C eyes.

Jungkook on the other side listened carefully and couldn't help but to intertwine his fingers with hers, and could feel her tensed up and her hand becoming warmer and not the usual coldness, looking at her he smiled happily at the sight of her looking at the moon through the balcony with a small blush on her cheek, as he was about to pull away afraid of hurting her she grabbed his hand back planting a gentle kiss on his veiny fingers and on top of the smiley face tattoo he had.

What are they?

A couple, close friends, just friends (pack it up, Adrien). She didn't understand why is the constant hand grabbing? cupping cheeks, the almost kiss in his room, He was so kind towards her and being his usual, bad boy self in front of the others?

Why would he like her anyway? she always thought of that which only broke her more remembering the fact she's going to run away and live in Busan and not stay with him anymore, her life was so confusing, should she stay with him or move away?

"Wanna know something?" asked the boy glancing at the girl who nodded at his question "you're living with me from now on, and this is the reason why," he said pulling her toward him by the hand, picking her up easily placing her in front of him and on top of the counter, with her staring directly into his eyes and his hand on both her side, the boy gently cupped her cheek. Heat rose from Y/N's stomach to her chest and behind her back. Jungkook's lips were getting closer and her heart decided to skip a beat, she could tell he heard it since the same bad-boy smirk came back on the corner of his lips. parting her lips she felt him washing over like a wave of warmth, curling her toes, unfurling all her senses as the taste of him nearly silenced all thoughts. The boys silently watched the scene happening in front of them Jimin and Taehyung taking pictures on the other side

the feel of his frame leaning on hers as his arms wrapped around her felt nearly forbidden. He pulled her in, claiming her mouth again, hungry and intense, until her knees gave in. Sure, she was a famous thief but in moments like these she's so nervous, he was her first kiss, what if it's bad?!. Her thoughts were stopped dead when his lips were gently pressed against hers, not knowing what to do she scooted closer toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck following the steps she remembered seeing in kdramas, he puts his hand on the back of her head and reassuringly strokes her H/C hair.

Heaven.

Pulling away gently the girl chuckled "you stole my first kiss-" "-and I'll do it again" he said cutting her off again with his lips on hers, a passionate and heated kiss made her melt in his arms, it was illegal for him to make her fall in love with him more with one simple fucking move. the next movement she made drove him crazy was the way her fingers played on his curly black hair, Picking her up his hand slid under her thigh, as he walked toward her room not breaking the kiss, closing the door behind them with his foot.

Jungkook's head rested on top of hers as he played with her H/C hair, "I never told you this, but do you know how much the Dior Sauvage & cigarette scent drove me crazy whenever I smell it on the outfits, I borrowed from you?" "oh yeah? new kink developed I guess" "yeah, I guess it's my kink," she said glancing lovingly at the boy in front of her, his fingers slowly pushed the strand of hair from her face as he smiled back at her, his fingers under her chin as he pulled her into a kiss.

"I'm in love with you girl with Dior Sauvage kink, Y/N L/N "

"and I'm in love with you too cigarette addicted bad boy, Jeon Jungkook"

[myearts-uwu]

Bakery AU!

Pairing: Claude x Felix

Featured characters: Claude, Athanasia, Felix, Lily (at the very end of it)

Genre: Fluff. Just... it’s pure fluff in here.

This was supposed to be a single one-shot but I somehow decided to turn it into a short fic that has... two or three parts?

It’s just an adorable AU!

"York's Bakery...," Claude read out the sign displayed above the front door of the cozy-looking bakery. He hummed in disinterest. He was not exactly a huge fan of going out to buy bread or random pastries at a random bakery, let alone a bakery that had been opened for less than three months.

However, since his daughter was the one who asked if they could visit this new bakery together one day during the weekend, he had no choice but to say yes to her favour. It warmed his cold heart when her eyes lit up before smiling at him after he said that.

Why must he be such a softie for his daughter?

"Waa..."

Upon hearing the shaky breath of awe, Claude looked down and noticed the seven-year-old girl staring at the bakery with awe. Her small and chubby hand was holding onto the pinky finger of his left hand loosely.

"You seem to be excited to come here, Athanasia," he commented nonchalantly with a stoic face. He was not the best at showing his true emotions. However, his daughter knew that he was being entertained by her. "I still don't know how you've heard about this bakery, though."

Athanasia just giggled. "Oh, I always see it every day when the driver drives me to school, papa!" she answered. Of course, he wouldn't know about that small fact considering that he had never personally driven her to school. As the CEO of Obelia's Enterprises, he had to go to his office early in the morning. "And since the driver has been to this bakery before, he told me that this bakery's pastries are to die for! Es... Especially the chocolate muffins!" she exclaimed.

"Hm, I see...," Claude mumbled before ruffling Athanasia's soft blonde hair. Compared to the colour of his hair which was a more golden colour, her's leaned more on the lighter side. "Well, let's see if what Mister Han said is true and the pastries here are indeed 'to die for'. Let's go, Athanasia. We don't want to keep standing here, do we?"

Athanasia nodded and skipped towards the front door, tugging her father by his hand. Some random passersby noticed the father-daughter duo and either smiled or chuckled at the adorable scene in front of them.

Claude was about to push the door open but his own daughter had beaten him to it. She had let go of the blond's hand for a few seconds just so she could both of her hands around the door handle. As soon as she pushed the front door open, there was the sound of a small bell ringing.

Ding!

"Welcome to York's Bakery!"

The person standing behind the counter greeted the two newcomers with enthusiasm. Claude stole a small glance at the worker and the only thing he took note of was the messy bright red hair. As well as that large grin on his face that could make anyone's heart melt.

Besides that? He didn't look all that interesting to him.

All he could give the man was a curt nod for he was not someone who enjoyed talking to people.

"Hello!" Unlike him, Athanasia was a total ball of sunshine. She smiled back at the worker and waved at him. The man just chuckled and waved back.

"Why, Hello there, young lady," the man behind the counter said. "How may I help you on this wonderful afternoon?"

Claude gave the man a warning glance and he immediately tensed up. A sign for him to not act so close around the little girl. Times like these made Claude grateful that he had a natural resting bitch face. After that, he acted as if nothing had happened and picked up a tray to put the baked goods he planned on getting on.

Besides the one worker available in the bakery, Claude noticed upon entering the building the strong aromatic scent of freshly baked bread. It tingled his nose slightly due to how heavenly the smell inside the bakery was.

"Uhh... I heard that the chocolate muffins here are to die for! And I wanted to try one!" Athanasia told the man. She walked towards the front counter and pressed her face against the glass of the display case. "Whoa... you have a lot of delicious-looking desserts here."

"Hmm... they do cater a lot of baked goods here," Claude mumbled to himself as he picked out random bread he and his daughter would eat as light snacks. Sausage rolls, croissants, baguettes, buns, egg tarts, cookies... They were really selling a wide variety of baked goods. He grabbed the pair of tongs and started to do his own business.

The worker laughed at Athanasia's adorableness. "They're all freshly made, you know? Well, except for the cakes since we usually have them chilling in the refrigerator overnight." He looked around before winking at her. "But that's a secret between us, alright?" he said in a whisper.

'Someone seems to like that counter worker,' Claude thought when he heard his daughter laughing out loud. He stood in front of a tall basket made from rattan that had baguettes in it. 'Hmm... Athanasia would most definitely eat an entire long baguette as a snack in one sitting... I'm just going to get it for her.'

"You're funny, Mister!" Athanasia exclaimed while taking her hand out towards him. "My name is Athy and that grumpy man who's picking out the baked goods there is my papa!"

"... Grumpy?" Claude turned around and looked absolutely offended by how Athanasia introduced him to a random stranger. Him? Grumpy? Sure, he was not a huge fan of social interaction but that did not mean that he was entirely grumpy.

It only made him even more annoyed when the guy was laughing with her.

"Now, Miss Athy. It's rude to call your own father grumpy," he told her before gently holding her small hand to shake it. "My name is Felix, by the way. If you were wondering about my name, that is."

"Oh, I already knew what your name is," she said before pointing on the nametag that was pinned to the beige apron Felix wore.  "It's written on that nametag thingy."

"... Oh, I actually forgot that I had my nametag on me," Felix stated in slight embarrassment. He scratched the back of his head. "You have good eyes, Miss Athy."

"Athanasia."

The girl turned around to look at her father. "Yes, papa?"

"Have you picked out everything you want yet?" Claude asked while smirking. After placing the tongs in their original place, he put his free hand on his waist. "You don't want to return home without those muffins and cupcakes and cookies you were talking about before coming here now, do you?"

"Eh?! But papa, there's just so many things that I wanna try here!" Athanasia cried out. Her eyes darted around the baked goods inside the display case. "Ahh, I really wanna try those chocolate muffins... but the chocolate chip cookies look so good... Oh, but... but look at those macarons! And- And those chocolate bars with dried up fruits..."

Felix looked down at the indecisive girl and looked up at Claude. He laughed weakly. "I assume that your daughter has a strong liking to chocolate?" he asked.

"She's addicted actually," Claude answered before placing the tray on the front counter. He was going to have to pay for all these twice if Athanasia was still deciding on what she should get. "She actually had one of her teeth pulled out at the dentist last year because of a bad cavity. She kept denying that her tooth wasn't aching... but she always teared up whenever she ate anything."

Felix snorted while Athanasia looked at her father as if he had betrayed her. Which, in a way, he did.

"Papa, you promised you won't talk about that to anyone," Athanasia whined with a cute pout. She humphed. "I'm not going to talk to papa anymore!"

"Is that so?" With a calm expression on his face, Claude pulled out his wallet. "Well, good luck paying for all those desserts, then."

"Papa!" she whined again, earning more laughter from the man behind the counter.

He may not look it, but Claude knew how to be humourous... occasionally.

"M-My, you two are quite a hilarious duo," Felix commented while wiping away a tear from laughing too much. He went to the cash register to collect the blond's payment. The girl would eventually tell them what she wanted soon enough.

Claude looked around the bakery while Felix placed the baked goods he paid for into a large paper bag. "Are you the only one working here?" he asked, trying to make some light conversation even though he was not the best when it came to starting one.

"Oh, heaven's no. I'm way too inexperienced to be left working at a bakery all alone," Felix answered with a smile. "There are more people working here, believe it or not. The owner of the bakery, Lilian, is usually working behind the scenes in the kitchen. The same goes for the other ladies working here. Since I'm not that good at baking anything, I'm in charge of the front counter. Greeting customers, making sure everyone is content with the bakery's atmosphere, making sure no one steals anything from here... the usual stuff."

Felix was indeed a talker.

"... Uh-huh," was Claude's awkward response.

"Mister Felix! Mister Felix!" Athanasia called out.

Felix and Claude looked at the little girl. "Hm? Found something you like, Miss Athy?"

"... Can I get a chocolate muffin and those chocolate chip cookies? They look really tasty?"

"Of course. Oh, one moment, Sir."

"Take your time."

Claude looked at Felix who knelt down to grab a muffin as well as scooping out the cookies before putting them in separate smaller paper bags. When Athanasia approached him, he petted her head. "I thought you'd buy the whole bakery because of how indecisive you are when it comes to food."

"But papa, if I do that, then what will they sell afterwards? I don't wanna ruin their business!" Athanasia grinned innocently.

"... Well, isn't that nice of you?" Claude responded sarcastically.

Felix couldn't help but chuckle at them. "Here're your cookies and muffin, Miss," he said as he leaned forward to give the small bags to the girl after calculating the whole price of everything with the cash register.

"Yay!" Athanasia snatched the paper bags from Felix's hand. She immediately opened the bag with the cookies and pulled one out before munching on it.

Claude sighed. "Athanasia, can't you just wait for a few more minutes?" he asked her sternly. "At least eat the cookies once I'm done paying for everything."

"But... But papa. These cookies are amazing!" Her jewel blue eyes sparkled. There were a few cookie crumbs on her lips and her chubby cheeks were puffed out after eating more of the tasty snack.

Claude's shoulders dropped. "Athanasia... You're dirtying the floor with those cookie crumbs."

Felix had to stifle his own laughter. "That's okay, Sir. I can clean that up afterwards. Besides, your daughter here is obviously enjoying those cookies immensely, right Miss Athy?"

"Mhm!" Athanasia nodded her head, mouth still full with cookies inside.

Well, it was painfully clear to Claude that this worker was already smitten with his daughter... Which he couldn't really blame him for that. Even he had to admit that his daughter was a complete natural at manipulating people with her cute looks and personality.

Claude sighed and was preparing to pull out his money. "How much does everything cost... Felix?"

"That will be... exactly 13000 won."

Claude widened his eyes slightly. "... That's a pretty low price for this much we're getting," he muttered. "Especially for how high-quality everything looks."

Felix thought he had misheard something. "Low price? I... don't mean to be rude but that is a pretty high price. Not to mention that you're buying this many baked goods at once..."

"Papa could have bought everything inside this bakery if he wants to!" Athanasia chimed in. "Because papa is a big boss at a big company! A CEO!"

... Claude had to make a mental note for himself to remind him to teach Athanasia that she should not give out random personal information about either of them to strangers once they return home.

He was expecting Felix to pry more information about him being a CEO out of either him or Athanasia.

But instead, he just acted as if he didn't hear anything.

"Well, even if your father is a CEO of a large company, if he's able to sell out the entire bakery, I'm sure my boss would pass out from shock," Felix joked before pushing the large paper bag with everything Claude bought inside. "Funny story, she actually did end up passing up from shock after we were given our first ever large cake order for a wealthy child's birthday party."

"Well, I sincerely hope she won't end up passing out if more people end up ordering cakes and other pastries from this bakery," Claude responded. "She might have to go to a hospital if that happens a lot."

... Was that supposed to be a joke or something?

Claude cleared his throat from how awkward he suddenly felt and looked down at his wallet to pull out the exact amount of money he needed to pay for everything. "I'm... not that good when it comes to making jokes," he admitted.

"... Oh, that was a joke?" Felix asked.

Athanasia shook her head in disapproval. "Papa, you're terrible at making jokes. This is why people either think you're a serious grumpy man or a socially awkward man."

'When and where did she learn to be so sassy to her own father?' Claude wondered, trying to act calm.

"... Here's the money." He tried to ignore the quiet stare from Athanasia and gave the money to Felix. When he looked at him did he realise that this was the first time they made proper eye contact with each other.

For the first time since coming here, Jewel blue eyes met up with warm grey ones face to face.

Felix froze up all of a sudden, confusing Claude. He tilted his head. "Felix, are you alright?"

A few seconds later, Felix blinked multiple times before realising that he was still at work. There was a faint blush on his face and he smiled nervously. "A-Ah! My apologies," he apologised as he accepted the money. "I was... genuinely stunned at your eyes. I'm sorry if that sounds weird."

Ah, his eyes. It was considered a rare condition and the only people who had it were people in his family. The jewel blue eyes were always associated with the people within the Obelia family. His ancestors, his father, his older brother, his niece, his daughter...

Basically, they all had jewel blue eyes. The reason why? No one had any idea.

"It's alright," Claude reassured Felix. "I'm used to people being surprised by my eye colour."

"Oh, I see... Well...," Felix's words trailed off before putting the money inside the cash register. He then gave him the receipt with a warm smile. "Well, I just thought that your eyes remind me of sapphires somehow. It's nice."

"... Okay then?"

Well, this was a bit awkward.

"Papa, papa!"

"Hm?" After noticing the hem of his shirt being tugged down, Claude looked down and saw his daughter holding out a singular chocolate cookie in front of him. "... Athanasia, you know that I don't like desserts."

"But you might like it! You never know if you hate it unless you try it, papa," Athanasia told him in an as-a-matter-of-fact voice. That sort of statement sounded really weird when it's coming from a seven-year-old child. "The cookies are so delicious! Please, papa? Just one..."

Claude stared at her blankly before looking at Felix who shrugged his shoulders.

'... At least be glad that there are no customers inside other than us,' he thought begrudgingly before going down on one knee so he could be at the same eye level as Athanasia. He opened his mouth and his daughter happily fed him the single cookie. He then stood up and slowly munched on the sickeningly sweet and crunchy snack.

...

...

...

"It tastes... alright, I guess," Claude mumbled, his voice slightly muffled by the cookie in his mouth.

"See? What did I tell you? I knew you'd like it!" Athanasia said proudly with her arms folded across her chest.

Felix smiled at the girl's energetic demeanour. It seemed to Claude that he was wondering how such a small ball of energy came from someone who looked like he'd rather stay at home all day.

"Your relationship with your daughter is adorable, sir," Felix commented.

"It's Claude."

"Pardon?"

"My name. What? Since you did give my daughter your name and my daughter gave hers to you, might as well join in to not feel so left out, right?"

"O-Oh... Mister Claude?" Felix tried to say his name.

"Just drop the 'Mister'. Judging by your appearance, I wouldn't be surprised if we're around the same age," Claude told him.

"... As you wish... Claude... Ah, I'm sorry but it does feel a bit embarrassing for me to call you so casually like that when this is our first time meeting, haha!"

'... Hm. That's weird," Claude thought while he silently stared at the red-haired man who was running his fingers through his hair. For a moment he thought his heart skipped a beat. It was most likely his own mind playing tricks on him.

"If that's the case, then feel free to add in 'Sir' before saying my name," Claude said casually. He looked at his wristwatch and knew that it was time for him and Athanasia to leave this bakery. Annoyingly for him, his older brother Anastacius and his daughter Jennette were coming over soon in the evening and he had to... mentally prepare himself in order to deal with his brother.

"Well, Felix. We'll be taking our leave for today," he said before calling out Athanasia who was looking at the desserts in the display case. "Athanasia, it's time to go. Remember, your cousin is coming over."

"Okay!" Athanasia exclaimed before rushing towards him. She almost tripped but fortunately, she managed to grab Claude's shirt in time to prevent herself from falling. Giggling, she turned around and waved at Felix. "Goodbye, Mister Felix! It was nice talking to you!"

"Bye-bye, Miss Athy." Felix waved back.

Claude pulled the front door open and was about to leave the bakery but he stopped in his tracks when he heard Felix calling him.

"Sir Claude?"

"Hm?"

Claude turned his head around and looked at Felix with a surprised expression when he smiled warmly at him. A smile that would make anyone feel comforted just by looking at it.

"I hope you have a wonderful day. And please come again!" Felix said. It was something he'd say to every single customer who'd leave the bakery.

But there was something about the way he said that made it sound like he was actually looking forward to seeing Claude again.

And for some reason, Claude felt a bit... flattered by that.

"... Of course," was all he could say before leaving the bakery with his daughter. After the door closed behind them, the father-daughter made their way to his Mercedes-Benz.

The trip to the car was quiet. Athanasia was happily munching on her chocolate muffin while Claude was deep in thought about something.

"... I suppose we can make time to visit the bakery from time to time every Saturday...," Claude mumbled, still deep in thought. 'That Felix guy is quite an amusing fellow to be around.'

"Eh?!" Athanasia looked up at her father in complete shock.

That was obviously wonderful news for the girl because she really loved the snacks there.

***

Ten minutes had passed since Claude and Athanasia left the building.

"I heard a lot of laughter coming from here," Lily said as she came out of the kitchen to check up on her employee and close friend. Felix was busy sweeping the floor with a broom to get rid of the cookie crumbs on the floor. The brunette smiled and placed her hands on her hips. "You're whistling. Did something good happen to you just now?"

Felix slowly turned his head around to look at Lily. There was a goofy smile present on his handsome face. "If you consider a pretty man coming in here with his cute daughter and he's like... really pretty that you can't stop staring at him as a good thing? Then yes, something good did happen."

"... Ah, so you're in love with a customer. That's a first."

Felix chuckled to himself. "Ahh... I really do hope that they come here more often soon."

[balkanradfem]

So I've talked before about my burning desire to go and build a separatist tribe of women in nature, preferably in forest next to a mountain or somewhere far out so that nobody would bother us. I've been keeping on building that dream in my head, but also in many practical ways, trying to prepare myself for it. This tribe would have to function out of capitalism, off grid, without the use of money or even electricity, unless one day I figure out how to produce some. So we use only technology that is not harmful to nature and produce everything we need to survive.

It sounds so surreal, but it's not a particularly wild idea, because humans have been doing this for millenia and lived, I presume, with way less of their population depressed and suicidal. It wasn't more than 80 years ago humans lived without electrity or modern commodities, my 85yo neighbour can still remember bathing in collected rainwater and washing the clothes in the river. (Don't worry, we wont have to wash the clothes in the river, I found a way.)

So what I'm proposing is in fact, far more reasonable, climate conscious and healthy than living in capitalism, only problem is: It's less convenient.

We're to assume it's convenience that brings us comfort and happiness, but I'm about to propose a counter-argument: It's not. It's boring and makes everything very impersonal and unsatisfactory. I can tell, but only because I've been shifting into that inconvenient, more-effort-put into survival kind of life. And, it's been a very fun, weird time.

So as you can see by my posts, I've been learning to grow food and to make meals from self-grown food only, and eating feels different. It's far from impersonal when you bring a handful of seeds into life, then harvest and store and eat that; you know where this food has been. You know the food's story and it's been interlaced with your own story to the point where it's no longer something you consume, you have memories with that food. It means something to you. And, it's way, WAY harder to throw it away. You do not waste what you build up from scratch.

I've also been venturing into other self-sustaining missions, like, cleaning products and preserving resources as you would in nature, figuring out hygiene without capitalism, and this is where my life got weird. If I wanna wash my hair, I go and make tea, then wash my hair in that. Funny snippet, lemon balm tea actually darkens your hair the more you use it, people in my life now legit think my hair is black, it's not! It's brown but the herb made it so dark nobody can tell. I've since found out there are also herbs that make your hair lighter, or even give it a blue-ish glow! That is way fun. Washing hair like this is a more effort than shampoo, but I feel different about it. Proud I did that, or just happy I never have to buy a shampoo maybe.

If I wanna do laundry I'll go and cut open some conkers, since I still have a bag of unprocessed ones and they work as a detergent. If I wanna clean something I use vinegar I infused with orange peel, it smells amazing. If I need to go to the bathroom I'll skip on toilet paper and use family cloth. Now what is that? I actually heard someone on youtube say that word and researched it and found out that before toilet paper, people used rectangular strips of white cloth, to clean themselves, and they were all washed so it was reusable and wasted no resources since you could cut any old cotton shirt into strips and use it. Now a lot of people react with 'ewww' but hear me out: you don't use it for number two unless you have a washing liquid to immediately throw it into (I don't), and, do you throw away any underwear that you've used just once? They get about as filthy as that and then you put them thru boil cycle in the washing machine, they take so little space inside it's forgettable, and you can use them forever. I actually only had to buy toilet paper once, this entire year. 10/10. Also, extremely comfy and soft to use. If anyone wondered.

I also cook my food in weird ways, mostly having it wrapped in towels instead on a stove top, I rarely heat any bathroom water and either use cold or I also discovered I love heating a pot of water and just spilling it over myself instead of showering, it feels so good! It's so gentle and pleasant, showers are agressive and mean in comparison, it's like they hate you and are trying to spray you away. Water gently spilling from a pot on your body loves you and wants you to be happy and experience pleasure and love.

So I'm not trying to brag too much here but I haven't visited a grocery store in two months (figured out how to buy flour directly from the company lol) and maybe visited them 7 times this year altogether, isn't that kinda wild? And yes I'm giving myself a little star for good pandemic behaviour. I earned that. I just seem to not need stuff anymore unless they're oil and flour and maybe some salt and sugar. And it wasn't ... that hard. I mean okay, poverty and general anxiety are fueling my behaviour for sure, but it feels very much like... it's not that impossible to do without stuff, if you're crazy stubborn and don't have many alternatives.

I've also been prepairing for this life in a savage hermit hoarder type of matter; I've collected jars obsessively, stored every little produce net or bag that anyone brought to my place, I collect dumb promotional newspapers to start fires with in the future, and I can make baskets out of it, I stored every plastic cup or container ever because I can grow seedlings in those, I collected all seeds in any way available to me, I don't throw away any fabric anymore bc I can sew new things, any soft and spongy textured thing is stored to make seating space on future chairs and cushions, and I value every bit of knowledge coming my way only in regard to how it could help me survive.

I haven't figured out the medicinal side of this, or the social aspect, but at this point it feels very wrong for me to be in a city, renting out an apartment, and then living half like a little savage on the side and refusing to go to the store. I should be in my little cob house dammit, and cooking in my cauldron on top of a fire. I should be bathing in rainwater and have plants on every surface of my home. I should have soil available to grow all my food. And optimally have a big swing and a tree house and an obstacle course in the forest. I wanna drink water that I discovered in a spring or collected from rain and filtered with the coal I made. I wanna know how earthen floors feel under my bare feet.

So anyways, how many of you'd wanna join a tribe where we live in cob houses and tell stories around a fire and change our hair color with tea and presumably spill water over each other because hygiene is important? Also we never shave or care abt how our faces look and we shed the light onto downfall of capitalsm because I feel like, if we all (the population) just bought flour, oil sugar and salt, a lot of things would go down super fast.

[gwynposting]

Justice (Ch. 1)

This is the start of an alternate ending for Cyberunk 2077, focused around Judy as she tries to help V rid herself of the relic without also shedding her soul in the process.

AO3 Link

The feigning scent of nicotine clouds leftover from the trapped remnants of Maiko’s cigarette sent itching pulses of desire through V’s body. The activation throughout her body startled and scared her. She didn’t smoke. She hadn’t puffed a stick in her life and yet she eased into it like she was sitting in a favorite chair. More than once had she caught herself reaching for a cigarette from Evelyn’s pack before swiping the inner thoughts of Johnny away.

The clack of Maiko’s stilettos began to fade into the background, “Maiko, hold up. Give us a lift?” Roxanne called out.

“Only if you don’t talk to me,” Maiko responded bitterly, “I feel a migraine coming on.”

She’s not the only one, V thought to herself. It almost felt like the cigarette fumes had been a trigger for it - like her brain was trying to associate the smell to memories that she’s never experienced before, that never existed. Flashes of seething bitter hatred and insecurity and jealousy pulsed through her veins came and went.

It took the breath out of her, and V had to brace herself with both hands to remain upright.

“Oh shit,” Judy said as she siddled besides V, “I’m scared, V.”

Judy looked down to her lap before continuing, “Speakin’ of gratitude… stuff I’m askin’ you to do, well - usually comes with a price tag, I know. You wanna help, I get that. But I’m more’n happy to pay your fee in full.”

V shifted her weight to her right arm so she could wave Judy away with her left, “C’mon Judy, you serious? Out of the question.”

“Bu-” Judy tried to make her case.

“Ah ah ah,” V tutted, “Not… not a word,” dizziness began to set in - her head began to swim and V found it difficult to even complete a sentence. She tried to provide a smile of assurance, but by the expression on Judy’s face, she wasn’t buying it.

“You okay V?” Judy reached out and placed a hand on V’s knee.

V looked up to meet Judy’s concerned eyes, which she could only meet with her own - unfocused and strained. “Don’t worry ‘bout me, just a long day.”

“How ‘bout I call a cab then,” Judy soothed.

“Preem,” V replied, before placing both hands on her knees and trying to lift herself up from the couch. “Thanks -” she began before what felt like electricity shot through her nervous system.

V clutched her head in agony as if it would stop the cosmic force tormenting her from using her skull as a sharpening stone. Every scrape and slice caused by another memory overwriting her brain, another one of her memories lost to time as one more of Johnny Silverhand’s took its place. 

RELIC MALFUNCTION DETECTED

V’s legs gave out from under her. She reached out for the couch’s siding to fall back onto.

But she was far too weak to support herself, and her legs began to give out from under her until she collapsed on the cushion below.

 “V? Are you okay?” Judy’s voice sounded distant.

She barely even heard Judy. She was breathless, her heart raced. She was staring down the barrel of Dexter Deshawn and he had just put a bullet through her skull.

“V?” Judy’s words became more desperate, “Talk to me.”

It sounded like V was underwater and all she could hear were the muffled desperate cries of Judy, until finally Judy reached out and shook her shoulder.

“V,” Judy stressed, “please.”

But as quickly as the searing pain shot through her body, it soon dissipated.  Yet she continued to stare forward, past Judy and into the distance - she still stood down the barrel of Deshawn’s .22.

“S-sorry to scare you like that,” V attempted a smile. Her cheeks were a deep scarlet, whether flush from the pain moments before or from the embarrassment of having Judy bear witness to one of her episodes.

“W-what the fuck, V,” Judy’s voice had a hint of shakiness, “are you like… sick?”

“Something like that,” V said with a gruff. She still felt in a sort of daze, her muscles struggled to keep herself upright. “How much you wanna know?”

Judy tilted her head, “Only what you want to, V. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

V looked off to the side before her eyes rested upon her lap, “Well,” V said with a choke that even caught herself off guard, “Might have bad news for you.”

She attempted to look Judy in the eye but faltered under their piercing worry, “You know the heist that Evelyn hired us for, the relic I was gonna klep?”

“Couldn’t forget that in a million years,” Judy said somberly.

“I’ll spare you the gritty details but… in short the chip we stole’s stuck in my head. The chip is keeping me alive, but it’s also slowly killing me.”

Judy seemed taken aback, “You bein’ serious?”

“Sounds like a lot, I know. Truly wish it was all bullshit, believe me.”

“Fuck,” Judy muttered under her breath, “Anything at all you can do?”

“One can hope,” V withered.

Judy gave a sad smile, “It’s late, you’re tired. You can crash here for the night if you’d like,” Judy gave a reassuring pat on the knee to V.

V could only nod in return, “Thanks, Jude.”

Judy stood up and walked back to her room while V took the opportunity to kick off her boots and lay down on the couch. There wasn’t a pillow to lean on, but V couldn’t care less - she was already half asleep by the time her cheeks touched the couch.

“I got some pillows and a blanket for -” Judy cut herself off as she saw V fast asleep on her couch, arms splayed out and face straight down. She couldn’t help but smile, “Pssh, fuckin’ gonk.”

Judy shifted her weight to the balls of her feet, creeping up to the sleeping merc. With as careful a touch as she could, she cradled V’s head in one hand as she slipped a pillow underneath. She then took the blanket and splayed it atop her body.

Judy looked down upon V’s form and found it hard to take her eyes away. To see such a force of nature so vulnerable, so… 

Adorable…

It sent butterflies to the pit of Judy’s stomach.

But in the same moment those butterflies turned to boulders, sinking within as she felt the gravity of the emotions within - vulnerability.

Of course she’s fucking dying, the dark thoughts appeared in Judy’s head. And while they were immediately beaten back down by conscious thought, she wasn’t able to push down the underlying fear that she’d open herself up to someone once more, only to lose them to the inevitable grind of Night City’s heel. But her mind was no more hostage to her first impulse as she was to her second - there was an ever present war taking place within her.

 How could I be so selfish? She’s fucking dying and I immediately make it about myself.

Judy hadn’t even realized she’d reached for the pack of cigarettes in her pocket until her other hand failed to locate her lighter. Deciding she didn’t want to bother having a fight with herself on a nicotine-deprived brain, she waited until she was back on the roof of her building, lit cigarette in hand, staring out to the NC skyline.

Is it too much to ask for just one thing to go right, she asked herself.

Yet Judy quickly reminded herself, You’re acting like she’s your girlfriend already.

Judy cursed herself at even the thought - she didn’t even know if V was even into women. She took a heavy draw from her cigarette before flicking it off the balcony.

***

Judy’s gaze lingered on V’s sleeping form. Maybe she was looking a bit too close - her eyes focused on a couple strands of hair drooped over V’s face. She had the overwhelming desire to sweep them back over the merc’s ear, but ultimately decided not.

“Goodnight, V.” 

***

Sharp cracks raced through the air. Although used to the familiar tenors, V shot up in an instant - her hair raised on end, breath rapid, and heartbeat racing. More gunfire sprung forth, followed by the screeching squeal of rubber against pavement. The gripping roar of motorcycles soon began to fade into the streets of Kabuki.

V clutched her chest as she tried to calm herself down. She was fine.

For now.

But as the adrenaline began to fade, the throbbing headache leftover from last night’s attack took its place. V groaned in pain as she began to feel her own heartbeat through her head.

“Mornin’, sleepyhead.” Judy called out.

V turned to see Judy in the kitchen making breakfast. She tried to match the energy Judy was bestowed but could only manage a pained half-smile. “Helluva alarm clock.”

“Things have been getting hot between Maelstrom and the Tyger Claws lately,” Judy sighed, “it doesn't help that I live on the border of their territories.”

Judy paused what she was doing and instead took a mug from the cupboard and filled it with coffee from the pot. She also grabbed a pill bottle and doled out a couple in her hand and brought them both over to V.

“Coffee and,” she held out her hand for V, dropping its contents into her hand, “ibuprofen. And I hope you like ham.”

“Wow,” V replied, “thanks, Judy. And yeah, I love it.”

“Least I can do.” Judy said with a smile before returning to the kitchen.

Least I can do, she repeated in her thoughts.

V tossed both tablets in her mouth and washed it down with several large gulps of coffee. The scalding liquid coating the inside of her mouth was the least of her concerns, she needed caffeine inside her ASAP.

When Judy was finished, she brought over a fresh ham sandwich. V took it and scarfed it down, only to blush as she realized what a messy eater she was being.

Wiping her lips clean, she looked up to see Judy sitting on the couch a ways away looking vaguely concerned, “Sorry I uh, freaked you out last night.”

“Does that happen a lot?” Judy asked.

V rubbed her neck, not wanting to lay it all on Judy at once, “It’s not usually that bad.”

“C’mon, V. Cut the shit. What’s really going on?”

“No gettin’ around this, huh?” V asked, but really it was more a statement of fact, knowing Judy.

Judy gave a half smile, but it gave away her underlying fears and doubts, “I’m worried, V.”

Something deeper pierced V, she couldn’t pinpoint it. All she knew was she couldn’t deny Judy this request, “You want the long version, then?”

“Call it a thanks for breakfast,” Judy smirked.

“Might want to get comfortable then. Because well, shit, where do I begin?” V thought for a moment before continuing once more, “So, my choom and I, big guy named Jackie, tangled with this hotshot fixer, Dexter Deshawn.”

“He’s the one who put you in contact with Evie?” Judy asked.

V nodded, “Mhm, as well as make us run some errands,” V said with a scoff, “but anyways, the job was to hit Konpeki Plaza, right? Klep some biochip that the son of ‘Saka was stealing for himself.”

“Which is why you came in for the braindances,” Judy affirmed.

“Exactly. But the job went wrong, as you know. I lost Jackie getting out of Konpeki. And…”

“...and?” Judy said, softly, not wanting to sound too impatient.

“I died, Judy. I fucking died.” V shuddered at the thought.

“Are you… are you joking right now?” How are you alive?” Judy leaned forward in disbelief.

“Remember that chip we were stealin’? Well, the container got busted when we were escaping. The next best place to store it was hooked into one of our brains, apparently. Jackie took the honors initially but… well….” V shook her head, “So I slotted the shard in myself after Jackie died.”

“I’m sorry, by the way. Truly,” Judy soothed as she scooched closer across the sofa so that she was now in touching distance between V.

V could really only offer a smile of acknowledgement in return, for she felt nothing but agony when she looked inward. “Guess the biochip was my saving grace - Dexter Deshawn double crossed me, put a bullet in my skull. I died then. But the craziest part is that the chip restarted my brain, god knows how much later. And I woke up to find myself in a junkyard in the badlands, covered in filth in debris.”

“J-Jesus fuck, V.” Judy’s voice hitched, “But I guess you made it out, all things considered.”

V nodded, “Got back only to realize I had the engram of a terrorist in my brain - Johnny Silverhand.”

“Woah, woah,” Judy waved, “engram?”

“Think of it like some digitized psyche, like if someone downloaded your entire brain and saved it to memory. His psyche is on the chip inside me.”

“Okay okay, so like the ‘Saka commercials just… just in your brain.”

“Yeah, something like that. But I guess when it restarted my brain, the chip began erasing me and writing in Johnny.”

“Fuck,” Judy stuttered. “So you’re becoming Johnny Silverhand?”

“Yeah,” V’s voice cracked, tears began to form on high cheekbones. “In a few weeks’ time, I’ll be someone completely different. I won’t even exist.” 

Judy instantly moved to V’s side and wrapped an arm about her, pulling her close. “I wonder what it’ll be like to die for a second time,” V pondered dryly. 

“Is there really nothing you can do?” Judy almost pleaded.

“There’s a few leads. I’m waiting to hear back from a fixer that can put me in touch with the Voodoo Boys, and I still need to look into finding the lead researcher for the biochip.”

“Ok,” Judy breathed deeply, “Alright. Then you focus on that, okay? And listen, I know you said you’d help out with Clouds but this is your life on the line here, V, I’d completely understand if you back out.”

“I said I was helping Judy, and that’s final.” 

V’s assuredness sent a shiver down Judy’s spine - her unwavering voice, despite cracked with emotion moments before, her steadied eyes, still reddened from irritation and tears yet firm in their conviction, and the almost offended expression on her face to even suggest that she’d go back on her promise. 

“Then... keep me posted? About how it goes... If you want,” Judy stumbled over her words. “I want to help if I can.”

“Of course, Judy. And thanks,” V smiled in appreciation.

Even the slightest gesture made Judy’s heart flutter. This gonk will be the death of me. 

[gerbithats]

A long sims 4 rant

Starting this I can already predict it’s gonna be a big one so if you stick with me, thank you and I’ll try and add pictures to make things feel easier 😆

I was thinking about it and I mean really thinking about these community surveys we’ve been getting and how they speak volumes on the way the game is handled but also also how we position ourselves as a community. I noticed alot more game changers are starting to get pretty vocal about their thoughts since the first community survey came out and that’s refreshing to say the least, but it shows a pattern that we all present: give us what is missing no matter how. We want beaches. We want cars. We want more stairs. We want bunkbeds. Etc.

So these things are probably somehow rushed into production to please the community and then, when we finally get it, it’s like we finally realize that what this game truly lacks is gameplay and not more items.

I invite you to come and think about the packs and the stuff we got throughout these 6 years with me.

🏢 Chapter 1: The apartment issue 

Yes we got apartment buildings with city living, but sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it’s a game feature because it’s L I T E R A L L Y related to living in a city, so it’s not a real feature. We have no possible way to play with apartments and condos outside of san myshuno because for the first time ever we can’t build or own apartments. This was such a missed opportunity of giving us new lot treatments like condos and even rentable properties. I mean, just think about how those 2 features could allow so much new gameplay and stories with it (I can literally imagine being a landlord, having to go fix renters stuff in my their places and doing social events as condo meetings).

The neighbors in that type of lot could also help solve somehow what so many people mention as “boring lot gameplay”. Let’s be real. hardly something ever happens with so little npcs and only the walk by sims (You have to literally run after them to make things happen sometimes and it shouldn’t be like that). But if sims were to live in the same condo or building as yours, sharing common living spaces that’s a whole other thing. Which brings me to the fact that even in the city, where apartments exist, there’s no common area other than the halls. Imagine if we could build laundries, rooftops, basements, patios with pools and all that sort of stuff.

That sort of detaling and really getting deep into the pack’s features is even show in elevators: we can’t use them ourselves (for building) and they’re not even animated, your sim is just teleported (even the modded ones have animations and that’s just awkward).

🌊 Chapter 2: Swimming in shallow waters

“We want a beach”, we said. So they gave us a beach, and a beach only. I’ve never seen so many people call a pack “shallow” as I’ve seen it happen to Island Living and tbh I do agree with them ‘cause... there’s really not much to do in this pack. For the first time ever swimming was restricted to this pack which is already a big let down by itself, but then features like deep diving were added for no reason and of course, as a rabbit whole, not actually contributing with much to do. So how could it be better?

My answer is pretty obvious: resorts. It is a livable world, but that don’t mean your sims can’t take a vacation from work and just stay there if that’s the gameplay you want to go with and resorts match perfectly with that, not to mention it would have great integration with packs like spa day. It also means a new lot type and lot system, that wouldn’t be much new if the city living building condos and sublocating them as I mentioned would’ve already been implemented, but now with the feature of renting it yourself too. Resorts could also have their own event schedules, integrated with the seasons calendar: cava parties every wednesday, yoga lessons on thursdays, etc. And the best thing would be: if you own one, you can make your own events and traditions. imagine just how fun that would be. A feature like this would also mean it’s already done for other packs coming later on, maybe a colder destination where you can ski and build iglus or even another cultural based pack like jungle adventure.

Other obvious resolution would be better mermaids. Make it harder to become one, being only able to get the kelp from a mermaid themselves. Make it less anticlimactic, having an animation of them turning before they just walk in water with a tail all of the sudden, maybe just some scales in their legs. Give them more unique features and powers like vampires and spellcasters have, such as easily persuading people (sort of like the mind control feature aliens have) and maybe even a secret lot, like a grotto where all the mermaids are. Give them curses with the points system to go with it, some mermaids are actually sirens amirite

🥶 Chapter 3: Seasons change, gameplay stays the same

Activities truly based on the season that are specific to that moment create urgency and different moments. Something I can think of is integrating a pack we already have: spooky stuff. It does feel lackluster ‘cause it’s missing opportunities, but imagine going trick or treating but actually going, loading different houses and gathering it while a meter like the active jobs one guided you. Forming groups with friends to do it or maybe for tpeing trees and bushes if you’re on the rebel teen side and destroying their porch jack’o lanterns. It could even be randomly generated, like the game would send you to 3 different houses to do it (that would bring lots of replayability value ‘cause you could end up in houses with neighbors that love you and will give you candy no problem, but maybe also neighbors with family feuds that won’t answer their door or make it harder for you to accomplish the event objectives), maybe one of those could even be a abandoned one that’s haunted or something like that.

The implementing of a better wants and fears system is very essential for this pack. Yes your sims get overheated and a popup message tells you they need some water or lighter clothes, but it’d be so good if they’d actually want to go to the beach, swim in the ocean, take a vacation from work and go to a resort. Heatwaves that would make your sim act weird, not strangerville level of weird, but maybe not obeying your commands.

Blizzards so strong that work and school would get canceled and you actually don’t have the option to leave your home lot anymore until it passes would not only add a different element to the gameplay, but also add value to the weather controler machine.

🥺 Final chapter: The general “more stuff to do” and “more things happening” factor

The game offers all these beautiful secret worlds and yet when you finally get to them there’s not much to do other than searching for rocks and frogs and doing some fishing. I miss going to a community lot hidden somewhere and finding an eremite, goddamn bigfoot, some crazy npc or even just an actual community lot with something to do and people doing stuff in it. Unique community lots would also be a way to make towns more lively and captivating like they did so well with realm of magic and the casters alley section of the world. Maybe forgotten hollow has this abandoned haunted house where people claim they’ve seen the grim reaper walking around. Maybe sixam has a alien station where they clone human sims. Maybe sulani has this beautiful sunken ship beach where a club of people that dress up as pirated meet. Maybe Del Sol Valley has a movie theater where you can watch premieres. Maybe Oasis Springs mine hides actual gold that you can collect and get rich outta nowhere. That kind of stuff.

I can’t stress this enough, but NPCs are so important to shake things up. It was so good to have a pack like realm of magic where the we would have to go to the three sages in order to progress. Having unique sims like this or npcs that change the way your story is going like burglars, firefighters, cops, social bunny, bonehilda and even a fortune teller is so important to keep things impredictable and interesting.

Age groups really need more specific restricted gameplay for better feel of progression. Many people say sims 4 is a young adult simulator and well... there’s not much to show that differs from that. Toddlers are as interesting as hamsters, locked in an object waiting for you to feed, clean and give them attention. Teens really should feel more like a transiction period, and the wants and fears system would really help out with that. I miss being able to participate in more elements that would mark a sims life even if they’re cheesy as heck, like having a prom, graduating, having a midlife crises.

In conclusion

First of all: if you got to this point thank you and I’d really wanna know what you think about all of this.

Some people may find even ridiculous for someone to go about a rant this big on a game and to that I have to say I agree lol I can’t help it tho, honestly, the sims has always been the game I’m most passionate about and it helped me express myself and my creativity so much since I was a kid. I really do care about this game and this franchise.

The point I want to make with this is: perhaps we shouldn’t ask for more and more different stuff, but actually put some effort into showing things we already like in the game and how they can be improved to make it more interesting. At the end of the day I still want spiral staircases, ladders, paintable ceiling, werewolves and all that but does it really matter if they get added to the game following the same patterns as the things pointed in here? Also we really are getting to a point where only a few things are missing as far as cas/build/buy go and I believe it’s time for us, as a community, to give gameplay as much importance as all these things we wanted so bad that got implemented. I probaby forgot to say something here and I didn’t even mention the infamous hamster pack, but anyway, I hope the point got across.

I try really hard to believe that the gurus are here for us and that most of all we, as a community, have a very strong voice, all we need to do is make it clearer and stronger about the things we really wish for this game.

[whyamiinopmhellagain]

How Dateable are the Heroes of One Punch Man?

A note, I know these kinds of things are not the only factors that make a relationship successful, but they are large ones. This is simply my take on it. 

They are all rated on a scale from one to ten. If they receive a zero, they are considered undateable for reasons that cannot be fixed through emotional growth. 

Also, this is pretty lengthy. Be warned, and happy reading!

Hit the Lotto (8-10): 

King (9.5/10): King, in my opinion, is the most dateable hero. He’s a genuinely good guy. He also seems to have a lot of common interests, such as anime and gaming, which makes him pretty chill to get along with. He’s a homebody, which means if you get close to him, he’ll want to spend more time with you, and doesn’t mind having quiet moments. In fact, I think he enjoys them more! King is not excessively arrogant, and doesn’t appear to have attachment or trust issues. He really just wants someone to love him for being him, and not for living a lie. The fear of him getting exposed, and being surrounded by the press will probably be frequent worries in the relationship, but in both cases, it seems to be protected by King’s luck powers, and the fact that he doesn’t go out much. If you can deal with those, and help him with the anxiety that comes with it, you’re golden for a happy, healthy relationship! 

Mumen Rider (9/10): Awww, look at you! You hooked a sweetie pie! He’s kind, morally strong, good hearted, and hardworking! He will not hesitate to shower you in kindness and love. He does not seem to have any attachment issues, or trouble with building trust and a healthy relationship. The major issues of this one are he’s constantly getting hurt, so you’ll never know when he’ll be in the hospital, and he’s pretty much always working. The first one is counteracted by his indomitable spirit, and how devoted he is to making the world a better place. He also would very much appreciate if you’d visit him in the hospital, and even more when he’s discharged, and still needs a little extra care (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.).The second one’s counteraction is with the fact that when he cares about something, he cares hard. If he loves you, he’d totally work to shell out those extra minutes for you, if you’re willing to do the same.

Saitama (8.5/10): This relationship is very similar to King’s! They both have the same, “we veg, we read manga, play video games and stay indoors” mentality. The same pros as King. The reason he’s ranked lower is because of very obvious depression, that is slowly getting better, but I doubt will fully ever be cured (the price he paid for his training), and there will be people breathing down his neck. If you want to be with our egg, you have to check with the toaster first. He’s very close with his Sensei, and Saitama makes it a priority to make sure he is safe and happy. Fubuki may also interfere as well, but she’s most likely no threat if you mean that much to Saitama.

Tanktop Master (8.5/10): Honestly, this man is so wholesome. The only reason he’s lower, is because we don’t know too much about his personality.  He’s strong, kind, and an excellent leader! No obvious arrogance or aggression, and seems to have the ability to just talk things out with people, I realize this relationship would also have the “always having people over” thing. Except much more active.They work out, run, wear tank-tops, and have group gatherings all the time! If you’re extroverted, and like to make friends, you two will fit perfectly! He may. also have some insecurities about his skill level. Be sure to comfort him with a warm hug, because he really is a strong boy. 

Darkshine (8.5/10): Remember what I said about Tanktop Master? Same applies to him. Wholesome, but unknown. He may have more strength and power, but his ego is much more fragile. He may need some comfort from time to time, and I’m sure he’d be happy to take in a hug and some encouraging words from you! He seems to have the ability to form healthy bonds, and build trust quickly and safely, which is necessary to a happy relationship. Overall, seems like a good time for both of you! 

Zombieman (8/10): Odds are, this is going to work out. That is, if you can break down the massive emotional barriers he’s built up. While he seems pretty chill, he knows something. He knows that everyone he loves and cares about is going to die before him. He distances himself from almost everyone, simply because he doesn’t want to be put through that pain. I feel like he’s experienced it before. Unless he starts to care about you, and when he cares, he cares HARD. He’ll be in it for the long run. If you can take the time and effort to get to know him, maybe, just maybe, he’ll invite you over for dinner with him and Child Emperor. It will grow from there, maybe he invites you over, just the two of you, watch a movie, and sit on the couch. (Personal headcanon of mine, he’s got Child Emperor, and he loves taking care of him. Maybe when he leaves the nest... he’ll want to raise one or two with you?)

Won’t be the best, but not the worst (5-7): 

Metal Bat (7/10): He’s a tough boy with a heart of pure gold! He fights very passionately for what he believes in, and won’t let anyone stop him! Except Zenko. If you want this teen’s (please remember he’s young) heart, you’re going to have to go through her. You’ll also have to be okay with the fact that most of his time is going to be devoted to taking care of her, and she’ll be around you two 90% of the time. He needs someone who can give here that sibling affection, like having a second parent. He also needs someone who can be his IQ, and his books smarts. Help him with his homework, take notes for him in class, or help Zenko study, (It probably will be a good way to win her over too), it will be very much appreciated. Also, be sure you are someone who he can be a kid with. He’s 17, and has to act like an adult. He needs time to take a break, drop Zenko off with someone, and go sit in the streets at night and eat ice cream while you both watch the street lights. Somedays, he needs a shoulder to cry on from exhaustion with his job, or panic about the future. Badd’s going to need you to help him grow. He’ll be loyal and happy with you, you just have to be patient with him, his overload of responsibilities, and his sister.

Fubuki (6.5/10): I hope you like your women in charge and powerful, because that’s what you’re going to get. She’ll be with her group, making deals and looking for more underlings. You won’t be her first priority. Don’t try to hit on her, unless you’re a higher rank than she is. Otherwise, you’re going to have to catch her attention the hard way. If you even manage to get her to see, acknowledge you, and like you, you’re not even halfway done. You have to go through the Blizzard Group. If you pass that, you must pass your hardest test, the association’s secret weapon, Tatsumaki. Older sisters do worry, and intruded. She just wants to protect her precious little sister. If you can win her over, then you have secured a necessary piece for Fubuki’s heart; she values her sister’s thoughts more than she lets on. but those people will still be there to protect her. She needs to be the strong one, because softness is a weakness. Or so she’s been taught. You’ll need to get her to open up a little. You’ll see that she has a soft side. She frets whenever Eyelashes or Wild Monkey get beat up, and buys Lily a scoop of ice cream whenever she gets a high score on any test. That doesn’t mean she’s not the leader. She wants to wear the pants in the relationship. She’s the breadwinner.  Show her how strong she is, even when she isn’t large and in charge.  If you can do that, her group will notice a difference in the way she carries herself. She’ll be a bit lighter on her feet, and have more courage to take on higher level missions by herself. She’ll be pretty tough to break into, but not completely impossible, if you know how to do it. (Side note, thanks to @metalbatandzenko​ for helping me with this one!) 

Pig God (6/10): He’s mostly just here because of mystery. We don’t know pretty much anything about him, other than he’s a good guy who likes to eat. We don’t know anything about his dark side, or what he truly values. He has been seen to be helpful, and dedicated to his job, which gives him points, but not enough to make him rank higher.  

Atomic Samurai (5.5/10): I feel like he’s not the first person anyone would go after. He’s aging, he’s busy, and can get quite arrogant. His disciples are like his kids, and if you want to be close with him, you have to go through them first. You must be good friends with them, you’ll be seeing them quite often. I see him as someone who’d want to keep his hero live and private life separate. Sure, he’d introduce you to his disciples and Silverfang, maybe take you to a party or too, but other than that, he’d keep you out of the loop for your own safety, so he won’t be around too much. He just wants someone to share a futon with. Maybe make him some dinner, and talk about regular stuff. Not everything has to be about fighting. Sometimes, he just wants someone to drink tea and meditate with, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Silverfang (5/10): He seems like a good, respectable guy. However, he’s 81. The only reason I could see someone dating him would be for a sugar daddy, because S-class makes that coin. As good as a guy he is, odds are, it’s not going to last very long. 

Yeah, this most likely won’t be healthy (1-4):

Amai Mask (4/10): This relationship seems like every fan’s dream at first. He’s tall, rich, famous, and has a great set of abs. The courting phase to his partner will seem heavenly, as the world’s biggest superstar showers them with attention. He woos them gracefully, until he deems you safe to let into his life  good enough arm candy. He’ll keep you for as long as he needs you, but still treating you like royalty in front of the cameras. In reality, he will just be throwing you under the bus for his work, and trying to cover the wounds with his money. If you (understandably) hate the treatment, and confront him about it, he’ll just tell you to leave. If you put up with it, he’ll throw you out when he needs the coverage. He just has to hope he doesn’t fall for you. He can’t let you see what lies underneath. You fell in love with Handsome Kamen Amai Mask, not [Webcomic Spoiler]. 

Genos (3/10): I don’t see this happening now. That kid is traumatized as hell, and needs to learn to cope. Losing everyone and everything is hard, which makes him cling to what he has. Right now, he’s clinging to Saitama, and coping with his past in an unhealthy way. While he is compassionate, kind, and courageous to a fault, he isn’t emotional ready to give his heart away just yet. Maybe in a couple years, when he matures and he either gets his closure on the Mad Cyborg situations, or accepts it, deals with his grief, and moves on. 

Flashy Flash (2.5/10): Yeah, no. If we’re talking about trauma, this dude just doesn’t want to accept the fact that he has it, or he knows it, and is too scared to ask for help with it. He’s arrogant, emotionally distant, downright cold sometimes. The only reason he’s higher than Tatsumaki is because I feel like he’d want a relationship in the future, if he actually admits that he needs help, and needs to let go of the past. Then, and only then, can he open himself up to other people. He’s not ready yet.  

Tatsumaki (1/10): This girl has emotional issues, is controlling, has extremely high standards, and a shit ton of trauma that all needs addressing before she enters a relationship. Also, she doesn’t cares about those kinds of relationships that much. She’s very take, and never gives. Odds are, she doesn’t want you or anyone in her life. She has a job to do, and that’s what she’s devoted too. 

Why would you? (0/10):

Watchdog Man: He’s a dude that acts and dresses like a dog, and doesn’t leave his post. That doesn’t sound super appealing at all, but to each their own, I guess.

Child Emperor: This should be obvious. 

Puri Puri Prisoner: If this guy likes you.....RUN

Drive Knight: Are y’all evil Cyborg fuckers? 

Metal Knight: He has no sympathy, empathy or compassion. He’s old, and he has a tiny dick. Why?  

-----

This post went in so many different directions. Anyway, please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments, I love hearing from you all!

*Requests open! Unedited*

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

If You Just Realize

Part Eleven: Time to Realize

Summary: New hope is sparked for Sebastian and Y/N after their date.  Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader Word Count: 2360 Series Warnings: Death, angst, sadness. Lots of creative licensing, I’m sure. Chapter Warnings: Night terrors, almost smut (is that a warning?).  Square Filled: This entire series will fill my realized feelings square for @marvelfluffbingo. A/N: I’ve much enjoyed writing this series, and I hope all of you enjoy reading it! The tag list is open; requests to be added can be done so here. There are bits and pieces of Romanian throughout the series, mostly from Google Translate and the few things I’ve picked up as I learn the language.

Also, I don’t know why I’ve never mentioned it before, but a huge song inspiration for the title of this fic (and some chapter titles) is Realize by Colbie Caillat. 

Series Masterlist

Image found via Google Image Search. 

When Milena woke from her nap, Sebastian informed her that she would be going to her grandparents’ house for the evening while Sebastian and Y/N went out for a little while. 

As she ate her snack of grapes and crackers, Milena frowned. “You’ll come get me later?”

Sebastian nodded. “I promise, we’ll come get you later. Unless you want to sleep at Bunica’s house?”

The little girl shook her head adamantly. “No, here! In my room!”

“In your room it is, then,” Y/N assured, kissing the top of Milena’s head. “We’ll try to hurry so that we get you before you go to sleep, but even if you fall asleep over there, you’ll wake up over here. Okay?”

Milena seemed to be appeased for the time being; she nodded and went back to her snack. Sebastian and Y/N exchanged a worried glance. Though they had an appointment the next week with the child psychologist, the terrors had seemed to be a thing of the past. 

“When you’re done with your snack, why don’t you go fill up your backpack with the things you want to take over there?” Sebastian suggested. 

She finished her snack quickly after that, then raced to her room to get her things together. 

“Do you want me to take her over there? Or go with you?” Y/N offered. 

Sebastian shook his head. “No, it’s okay, I’ll take her. I don’t mind — I’m going to see if Mom will take her earlier so we can get to dinner earlier and get back to pick her up. I don’t want to trigger another terror.”

She took his hand and squeezed. “We can pick another night, if you want?”

“No, I want us to do this, I don’t want to put it off.”

“Okay. I’m going to go make sure she’s not packing her entire room. Why don’t you call your mom and see when she’s okay with Milena coming over, call the restaurant to make sure we can get a table when we need.”

Sebastian grinned. “I will do all of that, yes.”

Y/N frowned. “Why are you grinning like that?”

“You sound like such a … wife and mom. In a good way, Y/N/N.”

She scowled at him for a moment, but a shy smile soon broke through. She swatted at him for his teasing, but he caught her arm and reached to tickle her side. Y/N shrieked and scrambled to get away, but he held tight and pulled her against his chest. His arms went around her shoulders and hers instinctively wrapped around his middle. Their laughter died down as they both realized this embrace was no friendly, playful hug; there was far more between them than friends and convenient spouses. 

Y/N cleared her throat and pulled away from him. “I’m going to check on her, you make those calls.”

Sebastian nodded. He watched her go and wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell her how much he cared for her, without worrying about risking their friendship. 

As Y/N padded toward Milena’s room, goosebumps rose over her skin. She had been so warm in Sebastian’s arms. He had been clear, though, that he didn’t want to lose the friendship between them, and she wouldn't allow her own feelings to overshadow what he needed just then.

The drop-off went better than they expected, so Y/N and Sebastian felt much lighter as they headed to dinner. Thanks to a reservation, their table was ready when they arrived. 

“You look amazing,” Sebastian smiled over the table at her. “New dress?”

Y/N nodded, blushing. “Sort of. Had it for a while, haven’t had the chance to wear it yet. This seemed like as good an occasion as any. Thank you, for suggesting we do this.”

“Of course. I love having Milena around, but a little one-on-one time is always appreciated. What looks good on the menu?”

They mulled over their options for a few minutes before they both decided. The waiter brought back their requested bottle of wine, took their food order, then left the table. Sebastian poured wine for both of them, then held his glass up in the form of a toast. 

“To us,” he smiled, “and making this crazy life work for us.”

“To us,” she returned, clinking her glass gently against his before sipping at her wine. “Mmm, that’s good.”

Sebastian nodded his agreement. “I noticed the boxes from Los Angeles seem to be slowing down.”

“Yes, thank goodness. I didn’t realize how much stuff I had! My assistant got rid of a lot for me, if you can believe that.” She chuckled and blushed a little. “Her new task is going through my mail and sending what didn’t get forwarded that may be important. That should be about it. The landlord is doing the walk through early next week, and that’ll be that.”

“You’re not keeping your place there?”

She shrugged, nervously fiddling with the linen tablecloth. “My lease was up there in a couple of months and I figure if-slash-when I move back, I’ll maybe look at buying a house or getting into a different building.”

“If?”

She cleared her throat. “Well, you know, even after all of this, I want to stay close for Milena. And it’s not like you and I are only going to be friends until this is over. We’re always going to be friends, Seb. You said yourself, you don’t want to lose us, and I don’t either.”

They were both quiet after that. Y/N realized how desperately she wanted him to make some sort of remark that yes, they would always be friends, but that there was potential for more — not even potential for more, but just plain more. That this wasn’t going to end. That she didn’t need her place in Los Angeles because her home was here, with Sebastian and Milena. 

“Did I lose you?”

She snapped back to the present, chuckling an apology. “Lost in thought, I suppose. Less talk about me, more about you. How are you doing with all of this? It’s been a lot of change in a short time.”

Sebastian sipped his wine. “I’m getting through. It seems surreal a lot of the time. Milena asked when Irina was coming to get her, you know, and I realized that I’ve subconsciously been waiting for that, too. I have so much good right in front of me — Mom, Anthony, you, Milena, the new house. Life is moving on, but it’s so … so … absurd, honestly, that it’s moving on without Irina.”

“That’s understandable. You both were a big part of each other’s lives. For whatever it’s worth, I think she would be really proud of the way you’re handling this — of everything you’ve already done for Milena.”

“I couldn’t have done any of it without you here,” he said, reaching across the table to take her hand. 

She held tight, but shrugged. “You would have figured it out, you know. I may have helped, but you would do anything for that little girl and for your sister. A person would be a fool not to see that.”

“I just …” Sebastian breathed in deep and let it out, his hand still holding tight to hers. “I don’t know really what I’m trying to say, maybe. You’ve always been my friend, someone I could count on without a doubt. But the way you’ve stepped up here — I won’t keep repeating thanks I’ve already offered. You go and talk about staying here with us though, and it gives me new gratitude. New hope, too.”

New hope. Y/N looked into his eyes, releasing his hand so the waiter could set their plates in front of them, and saw that the hope Sebastian was referring to was quite possibly the same hope she was holding onto that the love she felt for him may one day be mutual. 

As promised, Sebastian and Y/N picked Milena up from her grandparents’ house before she was asleep. Georgeta smiled and opened the door for the couple, welcoming them into the house. 

“She’s been yawning for an hour,” the grandmother sighed, “but she refused to lay down, even to watch cartoons or something. She just kept saying, ‘Uncle Seb will come, then I can sleep.’”

Sebastian sighed. The counseling appointment couldn’t come soon enough. In the meantime, he would do the only thing he could do: love that little girl more than ever, make sure she felt safe, and tell her as often as possible that as much as he could help it, he would never abandon her. 

“Are you so tired?” Y/N cooed, carrying Milena into the house. 

Milena nodded against her shoulder. “Do I have to take a bath?”

“We can do that in the morning,” Sebastian offered. “How about you and Y/N go pick out some jammies and I’ll be in soon with your water cup, okay?”

Another nod. Sebastian headed to the kitchen to fill a sippy cup with water — something Irina had actually started, to avoid Milena getting out of bed at all hours — then headed to join them in Milena’s room. 

She was already changed into one of her favorite nightgowns, and Y/N was brushing her hair before fixing it into a short, loose braid. Sebastian carried Milena to the bathroom, insisting that she at least brush her teeth before bed. The little girl whimpered but did as she was told. 

Once she was finally tucked in, Sebastian reminded her that her cup was on the nightstand, kissed her forehead, hugged her tight, and told her to sleep good. 

“Y/N, will you read me a story?”

Y/N nodded. “Okay, but I get to pick out which one.”

She traded a glance with Sebastian, who winked at her before leaving to his own bedroom to change out of his dinner clothes. Maybe he would see if Y/N was up for a movie and some popcorn — it was relatively early, after all. 

Only a few minutes later, she joined him in the bedroom, kicking off her shoes at the door. 

“We didn’t make it halfway through the story and she was out,” Y/N smiled, “doing that soft little snore she does. Too cute.”

Sebastian grinned and sat at the food of their bed. “Yeah, I know that sound. Most perfect snore I’ve ever heard.”

“Agreed,” she smiled softly, leaning against the doorway. 

He met her eyes; the look there wasn’t evoked from Milena’s snoring, he was certain. He drew his bottom lip under his tongue and tilted his head. Y/N’s smile faded, but her eyes stayed bright; God, he had always loved that about her. Obviously, since he had dubbed her nickname from the trait. 

In unison and still without speaking, she pushed away from the doorframe and he stood from the bed. They met in the middle, standing without touching for only a few seconds before Sebastian pulled her arms around him, then gently pushed his fingers into her hair, using the movement to tilt her head up towards him so that he could press his lips to hers, soft but urgent. 

She pressed into him, her fingers grasping the cotton t-shirt he had just put on. Sebastian kept his hands in her hair, tugging only slightly at the root. A sharp gasp pulled her mouth away from his, and Sebastian could only smile against her lips. 

“So maybe I’m not the only one who’s hopeful,” he commented. His voice was low and gravelly; his desire to have her was taking over his entire body. 

Y/N shook her head. “Definitely not the only one.”

His smile returned, and so did hers. With a new rush of hope and desire, Sebastian reached just far enough under the hem of her dress to grip the back of her thighs. He picked her up off the floor, still kissing her, and gently set her on the bed. 

She scooted back to the pillows, waiting for him to discard his shirt before he knelt onto the mattress. He took in the sight of her, waiting for him to make the next move. He knew the nervous chewing of her bottom lip, the excited half-grin that produced a dimple at the top of her cheek. That look of love and desire wasn’t new, but it wasn’t something he had ever imagined would be directed at him. Wasn’t something he had ever wished was directed at him, honestly, until their wedding night. 

“You okay?” Sebastian whispered, reaching for her hand and pulling her into his lap. 

She nodded, kissing him softly. “Nervous. But good nervous.”

“Just tell me if you want to stop, okay?”

“I trust you,” she assured, softly kissing his bottom lip. 

Sebastian pressed his lips firmly to hers. She reacted in kind, nipping at his bottom lip before returning to the kiss. Y/N pushed herself further into his lap so their bodies were flush against each other; the resulting friction tightened his pants and drew a soft moan from her lips. He broke the kiss to put his hands on her thighs and slowly begin pushing the skirt of her dress further up. 

“May I?” he chuckled. 

She grinned and nodded, claiming his lips again. Sebastian’s hands rested at her hips, his fingers splaying over the back of her lace panties. 

A scream broke through the otherwise quiet house. They pushed away from each other in an instant and scrambled off the bed. Sebastian reached for his discarded shirt and pulled it over his head. 

“I’ll get her, you can change if you want,” Sebastian offered, walking a few steps backwards before she could catch up with him. 

Y/N sighed and turned back to the bedroom, already working the dress over her head. Milena’s cries grew louder, even after Y/N could heard Sebastian trying to soothe his niece. With a million and one thoughts in her head, she discarded her dress and her undergarments, quickly exchanging them for a cotton nightgown and fresh underwear. Knowing how the night terrors usually went, she decided to wash her face and brush her teeth, then padded through the house to join Sebastian and Milena. 

AllOfTheThings: @captain-s-rogers​ @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @hurricanerin​ @horsesandbandsforlife​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​ @shynara51​ @sea040561​ @pinknerdpanda​ @xtina2191​ @jackryanplz​ @beakami​ @heartsaved​ @fullprunerebelstatesman​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​ @averyrogers83​ @jennmurawski13​ @connie326​

IYJR: @elsatxx​ @tanelle83​ @amanda-teaches​ @etherealwaifgoddess​ @kmuir1​ @ntlmundy​ @jayankles​ @rebekahdawkins​ @denise1605​ @rhadigen​ @peace-love-hobbitness​ @itsallyscorner​ @mizzzpink​ @auspiciousharriet​ @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​ @learisa​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @katherinereid​ @lokilokilokilokilokiloki​ @auriandthepussicats​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @itsmycorneroftheinternet​

[thestorybrookeclocktower]

I’ve been abused. This is the first time I admit it to myself.

I’ve been abused several times, psychologically, mostly, but also phisically and sexually. It’s hard to admit it. It’s been harder to realize it.

I was an abused child. Before I dig into it, I’d like to point out that I’m managing to do this only thanks to She-Ra, to Catra, in particular, to Adora, and to this video: https://youtu.be/arsKPegw1Tg . So thank you, Noelle Stevenson, and thank you, whoever made that video.

I’m frightened, right now. I’m scared as fuck. I think I don’t know myself, I think I never did. But I must go on, I must find out who I really am. I owe it to myself. I’ve been hiding for too long.

I was an abused child, and I have to write it down because my mind keeps escaping that. It’s hard to stay focused, and that never happens to me, I’m a writer, when I write I’m concentrated, focused, but now... now it seems like my brain’s floating away. And I can’t let it do it.

My parents divorced when I was two or three years old, I’m not sure about it. I clearly remember the day my father went away, the door slamming, my mom crying and myself trying to reassure her, telling her I was there, she had notHing to worry about. I was always way older than my age.

After that, I guess (my memories are a bit confused in the timeline), my grandmother (so I was told) convinced my father to build a wall during the night in the middle of our house to split it in two. I remember waking up and finding this rough, grey wall. My mom lied and told me there had been a earthquake and that the wall fell down. I didn’t know how a collapsed wall would look like, and believed her. My father left us without a kitchen. As I said, I was two or three years old. Thinking about it now, it hurts me to think of how hard it must have been for my mother to face all of this. My father used to beat her, when they were together. She told me that he broke her cranium, once. I cant remember it, I don’t even know if I ever witnessed when it happened. But still.

Later, my mother fell in love with the man who became my step-father. He was our neighbor, they worked together so they already knew each other.

My father disappeared for two years. I spent one year living with my grandparents in another city, because my mother worked and wasn’t home for days, so che couldn’t leave me alone all that time. I remember missing her, and nothing more.

Then, I remember growing up with my mother’s partner trying to be a father. He couldn’t. He was mean to me. His idea of education was based on yells and threats. He continuously told me that I wasn’t his daughter, that I was nothing, that I was worth nothing.

I also remember that I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to hurt myself and, in my fantasies, when I played alone in my room or in the garden, I imagined my “enemies” kidnapping me and me sacrificing to save my friends. That thing lasted. I would always want to sacrifice to save someone I cared about, but who didn’t care about me as much as I did. I still have to understand why. I just need some time, I guess. After all, I just found out I have wounds.

We moved. My father came back, at some point. He started sending the police at our new home, accusing my mother of child abuse, I guess, and trying to claim me as if I was some kind of property. I guess I started feeling like an object when I spent my weekends and summer or winter vacations with him. He had the right to spend time with me, I didn’t have the right to choose. I don’t think he never treated me bad, he was simply unable to be a good father. He just left me with his friends’ children to play. I had fun with them, anyway. I always insisted to be the victim in our playtime, though. Something bad would always happen to my character. I often played the villain (they were happy with it, none ever wanted to be the villain but me), but my villain always had a reason, a past, a complicated story that led them to the dark side.

I guess I was never really happy. There was always this shadow, this weight on my soul. I still can’t name it. I only know it’s there, but it’s lighter today. Maybe because I see it for the first time.

When I went to middle school, I was depressed. I kept saying “we’ll die anyway, what changes if I do or I don’t do this?”. I also developed a passion for swords and daggers. I always read a lot, especially fantasy books, so I guess it was just natural that I started loving blade weapons.

I also felt guilty for continuously feeling sad. I thought I didn’t really have a reason. My family had money, I went to holiday four times per year instead than just twice, everything I asked they would just buy it to me. But my stepfather would always rub it in. He made me feel like I owed him everything I had, because he was the one who paid the bills. He is an alcoholic. He freaks out every time he gets drunk, and he starts drinking at ten a.m.. He would walk naked at home. I was way too young to see a naked man when it happened the first time. He also spied on me when I was in my room, so I was always anxious that he was watching me and could never relax.

I wasn’t good at school, I only liked mathematics but was terrible at all the rest. I just couldn’t concentrate, and now I know that I had locked myself in my fantasies, in another world, where I was strong, powerful, where I was happy. No, no, sorry. I’m lying to myself again. It didn’t go this way, actually. I locked myself in another world, it’s true, but that world was horrible. I was becoming a teenager and I started watching Buffy, so I was pretty obsessed by vampires at the time, and also I was starting to realize what sexual desire is. The thing is, in my fantasy I was powerful, yes, I was strong, but I was always defeated. I would get captured by this beautiful vampire woman who would torture me to death and then turn me into something different, with magic. I would become her sexual slave. I fell in love with her, in my mind, and I would submit to her. It’s embarrassing to admit it, yeah, it sucks, it’s rape, torture and Stockholm syndrome. But that’s the truth. As I said, I wanted to be hurt.

Also, despite this I never admitted to myself I liked girls. I didn’t even consider it as a possibility, I told myself I was in love with Angel (surprise, with the bad guy trying to redeem himself! Who would have thought that?).

At the same time, my mom got a bad self-immune disease and lost her job. Also, in the same years, one of the teacher at school started targeting me. I was shy and insecure and she would take advantage of it and humiliate me in front of everyone. She seriously damaged me, my self-confidence (as if I had any), and my stepfather made it only worse. I got bad grades from her (even when I was prepared I was so anxious that I couldn’t speak when she questioned me) and he got angry and yelled at me that I was stupid, that I was unable to do anything, that I was an imbecile and that I was worth nothing. Once he threw a school book at me and broke my lip.

My mother tried to comfort me, but I always hid what I was feeling. I was really, really depressed. So much that one day I grabbed one of my collectible daggers and aimed it at my stomach, and I pushed. I wanted to die. I wanted it to end. And I wanted a slow, painful death.

But I stopped. I didn’t even get a scratch, not because I changed my mind, not because I couldn’t find the “bravery” to kill myself, but because I didn’t want to hurt my mom. I knew she would be devastated if I died, and that is the only reason why I didn’t push harder. She still doesn’t know about all of this.

I guess I made myself a promise, that day: I’d be stronger. And it was a mistake, because I locked the doors of my heart doing so.

Years passed by. I learned Kung-Fu, I made some friends, just a few, lost others, this is not the point. They didn’t abuse me.

I started dating guys. Older boys, usually, and I convinced myself I was in love with them. One touched me without asking my permission, and I didn’t stop him. I was so stupid... gah. I wanted people to like me so much that I pretended to be like them. I told them I liked music I didn’t like, stuff like that. Silly, silly young me. I was lost and I didn’t know it.

Other years, more boys. I’m pretty, and I know it, and I used it to flirt with basically any guy I found. Shame on me, I know. I only kissed them. After all, I wasn’t even attracted by them. I liked girls, even if I didn’t want to accept it. I was already different, I didn’t want to be even more isolated.

I also spent a lot of time online chatting and gaming. I used to play to this online role play game by chat, I had found the perfect, fake, fantasy world there. My first character was an elf with positive alignment. I stopped playing her because she bored me. My second character was a sociopathic girl, a sadistic villain. I still have that character, even though I don’t play her anymore. I made her torture and try to kill innocent people several times. She was my dark side. I used her to take out my darkest instincts. I’m ashamed of who I was, now. I became a bully for a couple of years, a dangerous person, a mean person. I hate myself for that.

I was in high school and I was a little more equilibrated when this guy I knew since first grade asked me out. I knew he liked me since then, so I thought I had power on him (because that’s why I flirted with guys, I liked the power I had on them). He took me on his minicar and we found ourself in an isolated parking lot. He was never a healthy person. He was unstable since he was a kid, but he had always been kind with me. He was kind and pleasing even that night. And manipulative. And abusive. He used my ever-present sense of guilt, he told me I had to because he took me in his car and drove for me and waited all of those years, and he insisted for maybe half an hour until I gave in (I couldn’t leave the car, we were in a dangerous block and far from home). I had my first and only oral sex experience with a boy. It disgusted me so I stopped after like three seconds, but he forced me to masturbate him, he phisically did pushing my hand on his d*ck. When he came, he also said I wasn’t good at it. He then offered to give back the favour, I refused and asked him to take me home. Two day later I texted him saying it was over. God, this was hard to write. My heart is pumping in my chest. I need some water.

By the way, I was eighteen then and I still hadn’t had sex yet, and I was the only one in my class and between my friends in general. About them, I lost them all along the way. They simply let me down, not repaying everything I did or gave to them in terms of affection, or treating me like shit when I came out, or just disappearing slowly. I have trust issues for this, it’s hard for me to open up to someone now, but I’m trying.

I found this boy at a party, at that point I felt nothing, I was just curious about sex. We started dating. I didn’t like him, I approached him just because I thought his ass looked good. Yeah, how romantic of me. But, as I said, I felt nothing. I didn’t care about him. He fell in love with me, even though I told him many rimes I didn’t love him. I felt nothing for him, or with him, even in bed. Sex was a delusion to me, and I treated him like shit. But still, he would stay. Poor guy.

During those years (yes, we spent four years together somehow), I finally realized I liked girls. Fate brought me to a convention, where I met the love of my life. I ended the relationship with the boy and started my new life with her.

She changed me, a lot. I was a mess when we met. I was rough, selfish, the bad girl I always wanted to be, unable to love, to have a healthy relationship, unable to find the strenght to be vulnerable. She was patient with that broken, confused me, and I’ll never thank her enough for this. I don’t deserve her. She always supports me and shows me how much she loves me everyday. I’m so grateful for her.

I learned to be humble, I learned to be vulnerable, selfless, a decent humang being. I learned to love. I learned to protect her, not (only) myself. I dismantled almost all of my walls. I don’t know if this one I’m tearing down right now is the last one. I do hope so. I’m so tired of those cold walls. Today, I don’t want all these swords and daggers. I don’t need them anymore.

I wish I was strong as Catra and Adora, strong enough to face myself and let myself be happy. Thank you, Noelle, really. I always believed in the power of stories, but I never thought an animated show could give me so much, that I could relate so much to someone (let alone the importance of their relationship on screen for the LGBTQ+ community, it’s a true revolution). I was attracted to Catra since the beginning, I completely fell in love with her during the fifth season, and now I understand the reasons behind it. I just feel her, deeply. And I also deeply admire Adora, her pure soul, her strenght, her bright heart.

Sorry for the long post, sorry if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language. Thank you again.

[quanxui]

this weekend (plus this monday) i...

- hung out with my baby cousin. he's so cute, i treasure our conversations and the art he drew on the app i use to color manga panels. he likes playing around with the colors and pens!

- i bought a newspaper. an actual physical copy! i had my dad buy it so i can study how to write news articles

- read the newspaper to my grandfather. i now know an inch of the events in our town lol. i also enjoyed reading the articles to him, i felt so helpful. i support him getting a phone so he can have it read things for him but i also want to read for him.

- played lots of genshin. finally got xiangling too!! i ascended her character once but im focusing on my noelle for now cause she's my main, and on traveler and kaeya. i honestly used to not like using kaeya because i only like the girls HAHA but i've been trying my best to build and improve him recently for the spiral abyss fights and it's been good to me 😌 i really love rain in teyvat now.

- i also destroyed some ruin guards without panicking and feeling bummed out after because i lost, i destroyed them in one go HAHA i felt so happy with that. the ruin guards scare me so much because my characters keep dying. i also tried using amber more often, it's fun but im so slow with shooting enemies when im near them so whenever i use her i have to use noelle's E or shield then start shooting. i cant aim properly fast, a large contrast to when im actually doing archery hehe

- i took in a feature article to write. if i finish it along with my piece for the literary section this week, i might take on a sports article about pacquiao running for president. i don't like him and many from our org don't want to take the article but i need to write more articles TT if it's taken i have to hunt for another article to write, im planning to interview this local filipino artist but i have to look for a reason why i want to feature her in our publication. im glad i have some connections under my belt but i wish i could find a good and proper use for them.

- i also noticed that im writing articles from different sections, i don't know if that's good or bad but it's certainly a bit overwhelming AND fun. maybe im a masochist jk

- i finished some school stuff in advance. my scores for the quizzes are so average i have to keep trying ugh. i want to finish next week's activities this week too because i want some time to copy the readings on my notebook and review them, kasi the midterms are coming early next month.

- started using this app called study bunny! it's cute haha but my bunny's become sad so i have to study lots today i guess.

- i cried myself to sleep LMAO. it's been a while since i did that... just to cry in the dark until i feel sleepy, i feel much better though after crying. i still want to cry more but im all lighter for now! i've also been reflecting on my "suicidal-ness" and honestly, i feel helpless because it's a constant for me. i remember that short animation film i watched back then about this woman with a crocodile that's always following and annoying her and it feels exactly like that. i wouldn't say it's friend but it's definitely a companion, like how mom is mom but mom is not a friend? something like that... still, i hope one day i'd have a month where i don't think about that dark stuff even once.

- finished fruits basket season 2. it's so beautiful! i love everything about it especially the OST!! i usually watch things muted because i get anxious or worried about people judging me for watching anime but i watched this season on my laptop and had it in a low volume. it was fun, liberating too! i'll watch the third season soon i guess

- i caught up with hometown cha cha! im upset it's an ongoing series because i want to know what happens next!! arrgggh!! i want to gif some scenes i liked but i feel as if im too busyyy TT

- i haven't read any manga recently, it makes me sad but i'm really swamped with school and i use my free time to think or reflect on things or plan what to do or watch to destress. i used to read to destress but recently, watching has been way quicker than reading. it used to be reading.

- im trying to practice not bringing my phone with me when i wake up and head to the shower. it's day 2 and i have to go through some discussions in my head before i relent and go to the bathroom phone-less. one day i'll do it easily like back then! also maybe soon i'll try picking up my simple skincare routine back again!

- my dentist said i'm becoming prettier everytime i visit for my monthly check-up. she also said my outfit (it was a casual polo dress with slits on both sides and a belt and rubber shoes) made me look taller hehe. what she said made me happy :) im also happy none of my brackets got removed, the penalty is expensive TT