#but i think that looking back. we were both teenagers desperate for someone's kindness

[haarute]

re: that poll i rb'd earlier. i've only ever been in one relationship which really just fizzled out but in hindsight i think that her just fully vanishing for a couple of months without any contact while i saw her constantly upload photos of her new college life with new friends in social media every day Really hurt me, and having to pretend that it didn't and that i could just shrug that off and tell her that it was okay was the thing that definitely killed that feeling in me

[literaila]

worth

gojo satoru x fem!reader

summary: the past comes back to haunt you, as it usually does.

warnings: angst, allusions to disassociation, hurt/comfort, mama is sad

last part | next part

*

year five.

"wait for me," satoru tells megumi, as soon as he starts walking away. 

you're watching as megumi hangs his head, looking like he'd failed at his one objective--escaping--and turns around, glaring at satoru. 

you've all been out shopping for the past two hours. getting the kids new clothes, shoes, whatever else satoru swears they need... 

honestly, he's kind of cute running around like a maniac from store to store. showing tsumiki a cute dress she could wear, or teasing megumi into trying on a sweatshirt that matches his. 

it's quite possibly the only reason you haven't complained. 

or pointed out that both of the kids are on the verge of whining all the way home. or that he doesn't need to spend 100,000 yen to make them happy. 

"hurry up," megumi tells the man, basically growling at him. 

satoru grins and ruffles his hair, resting a hand on his back as the two of them begin to navigate through the crowd. mostly likely, neither of them knows where they're going. 

you're not even sure where a bathroom is in this district. 

"we'll wait here," you call out, nudging tsumiki. satoru turns briefly to give you a little peace sign, a little grin, and then he murmurs something to megumi you can't hear and they're both gone. 

you're a little worried about them being alone together in this state but you ignore it.

"guess it's just you and me, miki," you say to the little girl at your side. she beams up at you, nodding. "do you want to sit down? how do the shoes feel?" 

"mmm," she looks down, blinking at the sparkly shoes satoru insisted were perfect for her. "they're rubbing at my ankles a little." 

"we can get some new socks, too. that should help. c'mon, i think there's a bench over there." 

she grabs your hand as you begin towards the bench, humming something under her breath. 

you look down to smile at her and don't notice the person walking by, accidentally bumping into them. "oh, i'm sorry, excuse us--" you turn and your entire body lurches away from you. 

for a brief moment, you're not yourself. your conscious moves in an instant, ready to defend itself from everything, anything. you're not yourself, but someone else. someone you used to know very well. 

"i--" you breathe, freezing at the person in front of you. 

tsumiki pulls on your hand a little, confused when you stop suddenly. she looks to the woman standing in front of you, with a bizarre look on her face, and then tsumiki's brown eyes go back to you, her face riddled with curiosity. 

"y/n?"

i don't remember a lot about her but i remember hugging her when she got home from work, and the way she said my name-- 

you want to forget it all. 

it's clear now, several years later, that you would rather forget everything about her--about this woman standing in front of you, basically a reflection of yourself--than have to do this all over again. then have to face the memories of what she did to you. then put that child through any of it. 

"hi--hey," you say because you have to. 

here's the thing about seeing your mom for the first time in a decade: you can't just pretend you didn't. 

you'd like to turn right around and walk away. you'd like to pretend that you've grown sometime in the past nine years, that you've turned into someone who doesn't need to stay and talk to her. you'd like to think that you're someone who can cut her right out of your life and feel all of the better for it. 

but you're not. 

you can't run away from your mother. you can't apologize for bumping into her and turn around with tsumiki's hand in yours and forget about it. actually, you can't even move right now. 

because there's still this girl inside of you.

there's still this child, a teenager who tried so desperately to earn the approval of this woman and never got it. who tried so hard to be everything that this woman wanted, but could never try enough. 

and she's clinging to your chest right now, breathing into your skin like a toxin, digging her nails into your heart and begging you to try again. telling you that you've got another shot, a chance she couldn't have--

so you can't leave now. not when you owe it to her, to yourself to try, to trick yourself into believing that it was just a fault of your own, that your childhood memories are only the result of some flaws you've already fixed. 

you can't walk away when your mind is stuck on her, her, and--tsumiki. 

your broken eyes turn to her.

your little girl who is standing right beside you, waiting for your next move. if you told her to run, she would. if you told her to stay by your side and say nothing, to hide behind you, she would. she wouldn't even ask you what was going on. 

but for no reason at all, you can't tell tsumiki anything. you can't whisper to her that it's fine, that everything is fine. you can't introduce her or drag her away. 

you can't do anything and it's never felt worse. 

"i thought that was you," your mother says, tilting her head at you. she's staring like this is just a casual bump in. like you're colleagues who haven't seen each other since she went on vacation. "you look... grown." 

you feel naive. there's nothing you can say to this woman to prove to her that you're better than you were. that you're far too good for her.

"thanks," you whisper, even though you know it's not a compliment. it's an instinct to appeal to her. to be polite and perfect.

your mom clasps her hands together. if you were looking at her--which you're not, you wouldn't dare--you might be able to tell that she's uncomfortable with you being there. almost surprised. 

maybe she just assumed that you'd die as soon as you left the comfort of your childhood home. maybe she thought that they would've kicked you out of jujutsu high a day after you arrived, leaving you to starve on the street just like she did. 

"well, how are you?" 

you swallow. "i'm good." 

she nods, and then she looks to your side and finally notices tsumiki there. 

tsumiki, with her precious face, her beautiful brown eyes, and carefully organized hair. 

you're not sure what your mother sees when she looks at her.

you wish more than anything that you could hide her. you don't want your mom's--you don't want this woman's eyes on her. you don't want her to say a single word to your daughter. 

"and who's this?" 

but you can't just send her away. you have no idea where satoru went, and tsumiki can't walk around on her own. not right now, not when you're so preoccupied. 

you just can't walk away. 

tsumiki holds her hand out, just like you taught her. "i'm tsumiki fushiguro." 

"it's nice to meet you," your mother answers, shaking her hand warily like she's certain that she might get an infection from tsumiki's skin. and then she looks at you, not daring to ask what she wants to.

you clench your jaw, wanting to slap her hand away from tsumiki. 

you should've put up a barrier a minute ago. the only possible block between you and a woman who doesn't deserve the pleasure of meeting tsumiki. who deserves no explanations from you. 

but your cursed energy is frozen in place, and you know that if you shut yourself in, you'll never get back out. 

"my daughter," you add, a bit louder now. 

your mom's eyebrows raise immediately and she pauses, looking between the two of you, searching for some useless resemblance. like it isn't obvious that you share a bond, just from the way your hands are intertwined. like it's not obvious that you braided tsumiki's hair, or helped her pick out the shoes she's wearing. 

like it might not be true. 

still, she asks tsumiki, "how old are you?" 

"twelve." 

and you know where her mind goes immediately. thinking that it can't be possible. she knew you when you were twelve, and you certainly weren't pregnant with the little girl standing beside you. you certainly weren't developing any maternal skills locked away in your room, with only the curse that liked to hide in the walls to teach you.

it brings that resentment to the surface of your core, threatening to burst through your skin. you feel suddenly so angry you can't bear it. 

and you're not that girl anymore, you realize. you haven't been since you met nanami and haibara and satoru. 

since you learned that you were only a child and not a trophy that needed to live up to its name. 

"well," your mom sighs, shaking her head. "i can't say this is what i expected." 

"excuse me?" 

"really, what do you know about children, y/n? don't you think you're a little young?" 

tsumiki looks up at you with a frown, about to ask what she means when you stop her. 

you squeeze her hand and look away, into the eyes of the woman who created you--who has that string of biology she just judged you and tsumiki for lacking--and still didn't care. 

she is nothing if not the proof that dna means absolutely nothing. 

"what do you know about children, mom?" you repeat, rhetorically. "at least i know that a ten-year-old shouldn't spend every hour of the day locked in their room, waiting for someone to come let them out." 

"i'm shocked that you--" 

"at least i know that a child is a gift and not a toy to hide away when you get bored of it." 

your mom scoffs. "i can't believe this--"

"neither can i," you say and look to your daughter, who's got wide brown eyes and a confused sort of fear on her face. she doesn't need to hear anything else you have to say to this woman. you smile at her, soft as ever. "go look for dad, okay? he shouldn't be far." 

it's been five minutes, and satoru's probably right around the corner, you rationalize. he's going to come pick up tsumiki and rescue you any second now. 

tsumiki nods immediately, letting go of your hand. she turns to go do what you said, but before she can there's a strong hand on your shoulder, a body right beside yours, and you almost gasp in relief. 

"found him," tsumiki tells you, softly. 

you turn to satoru, wanting to beg him to carry you away from her, to get you away from her--but the words won't come. you're too struck by the view of his face, and the knowledge that when you finally escape from this, he's going to be right there. 

satoru was there the first time, and he'll linger for the second. 

his shaded eyes look back at you, observing for a second, reading your mind, and then he turns. 

megumi is trailing at his side, holding a shopping bag. he looks between this stranger and you, a cautious look on his face. 

tsumiki is telling him something without any words. 

"hello," satoru says, smoothly, breaking the silence. "i don't believe we've met. do you know y/n?" 

your mother frowns, scoffing. "i'm her mother." 

you can see it when satoru reels back, looking between the two of you for a moment, an intense realization on his face. 

maybe he can see the resemblance. the face that might be your own in just a few years. 

or maybe, finally, he can feel the horrors of being raised by her. all of the things you've never dared to tell him. 

you're pleading satoru for something with your eyes but you're not even sure what.

"there's another one?" your mom asks, almost disgusted, as satoru processes. "how old are you?" 

megumi frowns. he walks over to tsumiki, who's already picked up your hand, and asks you: "this is your mom?" 

you nod at him, relieved more than anything that he's there, with the rest of you. and that if you can't explain, satoru will handle it. 

megumi considers it for a second. "are you sure?" 

and you want to laugh so abruptly that it shocks you. you want to grab him by the face and kiss all across his cheeks. 

tsumiki is already smiling at you like she knows this. her grip is strong against yours.

satoru smiles at your mom, a vicious ugly thing. "did you need something from her?" 

"i--no, we just ran into each other," she tells him, seemingly confused by his entire presence. she looks at you. "who is he? another child of yours?" 

satoru licks his lips. "not quite." 

you're about to answer when he grabs your empty hand, shaking his head. "i don't think there's anything y/n needs to say to you," he tells her, coldly. then he looks at you. "is there?" 

"no," you whisper, coveting the feeling of his hand in yours. the two children at your side, who know what it's like to be loved. megumi and tsumiki, who will never feel unwanted, as long as you have a say in it. 

satoru nods, guffly, and turns. "it was a pleasure to meet you," he says, and he moves all of you away. you can almost feel it when he shields the three of you from the rest of the world.

with his hand in yours, the other in tsumiki's, and megumi on the other side of her, satoru leads you all away from her. 

and you let him. because the three of them are more of a family--a better, safer one--than that woman ever was. 

you can't thank them all for being there, being yours, in this moment, but you will. 

at least you know that. 

*

satoru has been watching you for hours. 

since you all got home and the kids' questions began. 

that was your mom? 

yes. 

why haven't we met her before? 

i haven't seen her in a long time. 

was she upset? 

yes. 

why? 

because i'm happier than she thought i'd be, you said, i have a better family. 

are we going to see her again? 

absolutely not. 

after that, the two of them quieted. satoru could tell that they had more questions, that megumi was curious and tsumiki was worried--but neither of them continued. 

it was almost unspoken that you couldn't take much more. that you needed a break from it, even if you wouldn't say. so they both moved on, resuming their usual antics and talking about the clothes they got, when and where they'd wear them. 

well, mostly tsumiki. but megumi entertained her thoughts for a while at least. 

satoru just watched you. the tiny break within your eyes, the gap between you and the rest of the world. you've remained all the same since you got home. cursed energy small, unchanging. your face in one position like it'll kill you to move it. 

satoru can't stand it, but he doesn't want to intrude. he doesn't want you to push him away too. 

so he only sat there, trying to fill your role (which was impossible) at the dinner table. 

and several hours later, after dinner, after space, satoru still hasn't brought it up. 

but he doesn't get the chance to. because as soon as you've put both of them to bed--insisting on tucking them in and talking to them both separately tonight, like you're making up for something--you're sneaking into satoru's room. 

and he's waiting like he always is. his arms are wide open when you walk into the room, and there's not a moment of hesitation before you fall into them. you don't blink or breathe before you're right against him, keeping yourself up with nothing more than blood and bone. 

satoru hugs you close to him, trying to let everything he feels go, just for you. 

(because he's just angry. 

he's angry that she showed up and ruined your day. he's angry that he wasn't there to keep it from happening. he's angry that when he walked over he could tell there was something wrong because you were frozen--because you were almost barren. no cursed energy, no expression. nothing to draw him to you like usual. 

and he's so angry that he can't do anything to fix it. 

so angry that being the strongest sorcerer of the modern age means nothing when he really needs it to. 

satoru isn't a person who hates. he never hated the people who attempted to tie him down as a kid so he couldn't escape observation. he didn't hate toji when he cut him through the throat. he didn't hate suguru for leaving, or yaga for asking why he didn't stop him. 

he doesn't hate. 

but he hates her.

for taking your face and twisting it around. for stealing your childhood and pretending like she didn't. for holding your precious heart in her hands and acting like it was nothing of value.

he hates her.) 

you both sit there, rocking back and forth, sinking together for a moment. 

and then you sniff, and satoru closes his eyes against your head, not sure what to say to make it all better. 

what he can do to erase this feeling from your body. what he can do to prove to you that you're worth so much more. 

"do you think i'm a good mom?" you whisper to him, as he moves back and forth. 

his heart pauses, needing a moment to consider this. to not feel a fire in his soul at the very suggestion. 

satoru pulls back, frowning. and he makes sure that your eyes are on his when he says, "there's not a person in the world who could take better care of them than you do," he swears, feeling like it's the most honest thing he's ever said. 

he wants to brand the words into your skin just so you never ask such a ridiculous question again. 

"thank you," you say, voice breaking, and satoru wipes the tears falling down your cheeks away. each one a different memory, a terrible moment where someone showed you that you didn't matter. 

and when they continue to fall, satoru continues to wipe them away. 

"do you want to talk about it?" he asks, almost hesitating. he's not sure that he can handle hearing about it--but he would if you needed him to. 

"not tonight," you whisper and fall against him again. 

satoru holds you close. 

and he swears, to whoever is listening, that he'll love you enough to make up for that woman. he'll love you enough to make up for everything.

he loves you enough to be sure of it. 

*

next part | series masterlist

[sonamytrash]

Midnight

Underground Virgin!Levi x Virgin!Femreader

MDNI

Warnings: y/n used, Childhood friends to lovers, fluff, smut, puberty mentioned, masturbation mentioned, fingering, sex, mentions of abuse, mentions of rape, mentions of prostitution, characters ages aren't mentioned, but it's suggested they're both in their late teens, of age when writing but could be interpreted as underage? Virgin levi, virgin reader.

Note: Kind of wanted to write something about Levi losing his virginity and give him the blessing of something in his life that wasn't all bad. Reader and Levi have grown up together. Feelings have blossomed, and desires have been ignited over the years. The underground is a tough place to live with sex and violence everywhere. There's no smut in the first chapter, but it is heavily suggestive. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

-----------------

In a world where the sun never shines, where the only light comes from flickering Street lights, candles, and the occasional spark from a fire, three souls found solace together in front of a fire. The underground city was a maze of dimly lit tunnels, cramped living quarters, and a constant struggle for survival. You had grown up together, survived together, and lived together in this harsh, unforgiving environment.

Your landlord was a cruel and greedy man, having come to you the with news that he wanted his rent earlier than usual, probably because he owed someone else the money or had pissed his own money up the wall. You couldn't afford to be out on the streets again. It wasn't hard to find a crook to rent a small apartment to three teenagers. But his terms were unreasonable.

Desperation and stress hung heavy in the air. You were usually the type to try and remain cheery, strong, and resilient, but these sorts of situations made you anxious. Finding money down here was hard enough, but being given less time to find it was so much more stressful. "I-I don't know what we're going to do," you stammered. "There has to be some way to make the money quickly." Furlan said thoughtfully as he tried to reassure you, but even his words sounded hollow. It really wasn't much time to get the money together.

You were always aware of the easiest way for a girl to make money down here. Selling your body to some piece of shit man to use for pleasure. It was quick and easy cash that much was true. If you were lucky enough to get paid, that is. The attempt to make any money that way came with many risks. Most women down here lived in fear of getting raped, abused, and even killed before the added risk of being a working girl. Having grown up with Levi and Furlan, they had kept you safe. Currently, you worked a part-time job at the morgue, which didn't pay well but allowed you to learn and study to some extent. But in recent years, since hitting puberty and developing into a young woman, the pressure had been more intense, men often offering plenty of money for the opportunity to have their way with you. Although this sort of interaction would result in being beaten to a pulp by Levi, he would die before he allowed you to have to resort to sex work. And you were grateful for that. The thought of having to resort to prostitution, a common but desperate measure, filled you with dread.

Levi, said nothing. He just stared at the floor, his jaw tightening with anger. You glanced at him, concerned. "Levi, if we need the money I can-" You asked softly, stopping when you saw him look up at you, his eyes burning with a fierce protectiveness. "I'm not going to let you do that," he said, his voice steady and unyielding.

You frowned. "It will guarantee us the money."

"Y/N" He said sternly. "I won't let you go out there and sell yourself for us to survive. I'll find another way. I promise." You looked into his eyes, searching for any hint of uncertainty, but found none. There was only determination.

You nod in response, feeling reassured for now by his words. "I've got to go out. I'll be back around midnight, okay?" He states. Again, this wasn't uncommon. You worried about him and where he was going but even if you asked he wouldn't have told you. Criminal and immoral are the exact words that he himself would've used to describe his work, he was probably going to go and find some quick and easy job, guaranteed to pay but always carried so many risks. Furlan smiles gently at you as he follows Levi out of the door.

Having had a bath and tidied up a little. You toss and turn in bed for hours, lost in your own thoughts. You knew Levi would keep you safe to an extent, but nothing was guaranteed down here. Even if you didn't end up in a brothel, there was nothing stopping anyone from breaking into the apartment you shared now while the boys were gone, you could he kidnapped, raped and murdered any night, or day for that matter. You shudder at the thought. You wanted as much of your life to be in your own hands and control as possible. It wasn't like you wanted to stay a virgin forever, while still being young, you were old by the standards of the underground, which made you laugh. You wanted your first time to be something you choose, not something taken from you. You had desires and thoughts late at night like this when you were alone. Always of your stoic companion. You weren't sure when your feelings towards him became romantic, but it frightened you. He was difficult to read, but you were sure that there could be something there. And if there wasn't? Well, you were sure you could convince yourself that you would be satisfied to just be by his side in whatever capacity the universe will allow. Maybe you would be fortunate enough to be born as a princess in the next life, and he would be your Prince charming. You roll your eyes and laugh at the thought. A girl could dream, and your fantasy of prince's, pretty dresses and castles, however impossible it was did help you to fall asleep for a few hours before you were abruptly awoken by the sound of Levi and Furlan returning. You could recognise the sound of Furlans footsteps retiring to his small room at the end of the corridor. It sounded like Levi was still in the living room. You sit up in bed and light a candle.

Levi walks over to your door, having noticed the light emitting from beneath. A heavy sigh escapes him, his eyes carrying a look of exhaustion. As he knocks on your door just once, his voice is soft.

"Can I come in?"

You respond with a sleepy yes, and Levi pauses for a moment before he comes into the room. His eyes shift to your bed, and he realizes that you're only wearing a tank top and underwear. He doesn't let his eyes roam over you for more than a second, trying to focus on something else in the room before speaking up, sounding worried:

"Are you alright? Why aren't you sleeping?"

You smile. "I was, and I wasn't, I fell asleep not long ago, but I heard you come home. Is everything okay?" You ask him concerned.

Levi nods as he sits down on the edge of your bed.

"Yeah, everything is fine. Sorry if I woke you up. You should get back to sleep." He smiles softly, something only you and you alone are ever lucky enough to see. You gently tug his arm. "Stay, just for a little longer." A blush creeping across your cheeks. This was a bold move for you. Maybe you were still slightly delirious from having just woken up.

Levi looks down at your hand as it lays on his arm. A slight blush creeps up on his cheeks as he looks up at you again. Your messy hair, dreary eyes, and smile are just too cute. He doesn't know what he would do without you. He hates that he can't find a way to get you all out of this cesspit. You're like the moon that continues to shine on the darkest night. He's already resided himself to do anything to keep you safe and by his side. He feels guilty that this sight of you is making his cock twitch. The years have been kind to you and you're such a beautiful young woman now, each and every night his hand is tightly gripped around his cock at the thought of you. Seeing you like this, the covers barely covering your panties and your nipples visible through your tank top is all the more fuel for his desires. But he knows how it is for girls down here, he saw what life was like for his mother, he sees it daily in the streets. He would never dream of treating you with anything but the respect you deserve. Not only that, but the thought of jeopardising the relationship that you have now should he tell you how he feels, loosing you would really plummet his life into eternal darkness.

He reaches out and gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. "I guess I can stay for a little bit." He says softly. "Since you're such a brat if you don't get your own way." He teases.

You pout playfully at him, he chuckles as he shifts a bit closer to you, now sitting next to you with his arm around your shoulder, you nestle into his chest. A slight blush appears on his cheeks, which he immediately hides by turning his face away from you. "You're not still worrying about the money, are you? Is that why you're acting so needy?." He asks quietly

You shake your head. "Not anymore, I know it won't come to that." He nods, relieved that it isn't worrying you any longer. He's pulled from his thoughts when you speak up again. "I'm grateful. I know what I want for myself. And it's thanks to you that I'm able to make my own choices." You lift your head to meet his gaze, your face painted with a furious blush. "I'm ready to make my own choices."

Levi chuckles. "Well, you're spoilt for choice if that's the case." He says, trying to ignore the pang of jealously he can feel in the pit of his stomach.

You shake your head  "That's not what I mean, Vi." You nervously bring your palm to his cheek. "I want to be with someone I trust, someone I love."

Levi stares at you. Blushing slightly at your words. You have grown into a young woman who's a lot braver than he gives you credit for. A small smile forms on his face, but he's still hesitant to say all the things he wants to.

Levi tries to keep his usual cool exterior "A-Are...Are you saying what I think you're saying right now?"

You nod nervously. Averting your gaze, you have said enough for someone as intuitive as Levi to piece together. The seconds seem to last forever, but he finally gives you his response with a soft and gentle tone:

"I... I want that, too."

[fakescenariosbeforesleepblog]

Could you pretend you love me? Pt.1

Soap x Fem Reader (single mom).

Let me introduce Mr. And Mrs. Blackwood, the newlyweds and new neighbors.

This is just the alibi, a false marriage with normal jobs and a normal and traditional family, Why? Oh, just to take a look at the enemy.

Warning: only grammatical and spelling errors. Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.

Pt 2

You and Soap argue all the time, for everything and for nothing, both work well together but before every successful mission there's always a previous discussion.

The boys are accustomed already so they just let you argue and complain. «I told you we don't want to attract attention, we will be discreet!» «we need to create a distraction so they can take the hostage without someone noticing!» «No!» «Yes!»

Price acted like a Father trying to stop two teenagers, every time. Both of you are efficient but also a headache.

This time is not different. Price already explained to you the mission, observe, get close to the enemy, put some hidden cameras or microphones, trackers, all the necessary to obtain information and capture them. That was the easy part, the hard part was Price's proposition.

- What? Sorry cap, but I think Ghost or Gaz or even you, would play a better role than Soap.

«Oh no, here we go again» ghost and Gaz muttered while rolling their eyes.

- Excuse me? You don't know what you're talking about y/n. I'm such a perfect husband material.

- You're everything but a husband. Seriously Captain, we have to considerate someone else. Also I have my daughter, what will I do with her?

- Y/n, I understand you're mother now, but I also know the girl is in a private school... A boarding school, am I right? she will be fine and if she needs to visit I'm sure she won't be in danger, that could help us a little.

You simply nodded but then you stared at soap, you observed him head to toe, you're sure he's not the right person for this kind of mission, his hairstyle, his personality, you think he's inadequate.

-Alright... but... He's not the right person for this mission, that's all I'm saying.

Soap is not angry, he's actually making fun of this, he put a hand over his chest and opened his mouth, pretending to be offended by your comment.

- Y/n, I feel offended, I'm a very charming man, clearly I'm the best option. The lieutenant is too serious, he certainly won't be very friendly with our target, Gaz is maybe an option, but there's not much chemistry between you and him as a fake couple and our Captain... He simply has better missions to attend.

«Agree» «Sorry Y/n, Soap's right» «he'll do it fine, trust him»

You just rolled your eyes, you feel ridiculous trying to make them understand your point of view.

A few days later after that discussion, you were looking for someone around the base. Emma, your almost 7 year old daughter, was visit day and you couldn't get a nanny for her so you brought her with you to the base, the little girl is now lost and you're desperate to find her.

- Did you Lost something Sergeant?

Ghost's voice took you by surprise, his giant form always makes you a little bit anxious.

- Ah! Ghost, I mean Lieutenant, I... I'm actually looking for my daughter... I told her to stay in my office but she disappeared.

And just behind him, Emma appeared, holding your lieutenant's hand.

- I think I found her.

You kneeled in front of your girl and hugged her.

- Emma, why did you do that? I told you, you can't walk around here alone.

- But Y/N, I wanted to explore!! Ghost found me, he accompanied me, he's very sweet.

You stood up and took your little girl's hand.

- I'm sorry Lt; thanks for finding her.

You started to walk back to your office while Emma muttered to you «I think Ghost is very handsome...» you sighed «you're just like your mother...».

Indeed, Emma is the mini version of your best friend, you miss her, her loss was the most painful moment of your life, but Emma needed someone, your friend always said you would be her Legal representative if one day the worst happened. Now after a year, you're trying to be a mother for the little girl.

Both were getting ready to leave the base when a Knock on your door interrupted, Emma ran to open, it was Soap.

- Y/n, I just came to give you the files with the location of the house and other important stuff, oh, I think it would be good if we arrive together...like a happy family.

- Thanks Soap, ah... Can we discuss all this later?, I have to take her back to school...

You pointed at Emma who's still on the door observing at Soap with sparkling eyes, you continued talking.

-This is Emma, my daughter. Emma, this is my friend Johnny.

Johnny smiled at the little girl and shook hands with her.

- Heyyy, future daughter, Ghost told me about you, you're certainly a sunshine.

Emma blushed but instantly the curiosity captivated her.

- Future daughter? Are you Y/N's boyfriend? Have you seen Ghost's face? I think he has beautiful eyes.

Your red face was enough to make Soap's laugh, but he was quick to respond.

- I guess your mommy will talk to you about this later, and Yes, I've seen my lieutenant's face, not so bad but I think I'm more... Attractive.

He blinked an eye at Emma and then to you, he said goodbye and disappeared. On your way to Emma's school you explained to her what Soap was talking about, you never saw her so happy, excited to 'help' you in this mission.

While she was at school, you packed all your clothes and some stuff necessary to take to your temporary home. Soap was kind and went to your apartment to help you with the boxes, after all, it was better if both arrived together.

It was a short drive, you also discovered the location is not so far from Emma's school, the house is not so big but also not so small, white and yellow with a beautiful garden, certainly looks perfect for a family. Before leaving the car you decided both needed to put some rules.

- First of all, when Emma is around don't insult or say a bad word

- Copy...

- Second, we will sleep in the same bed... But, if you get close enough I will send you to sleep on the floor, okay?

- Fair enough.

Why is he so calmed? It is annoying how he simply smiles and is not complaining? You're not understanding what he is trying to do.

- And... Why are you agreeing to everything I'm saying?

- You said I'm not husband or dad's material, I will show you you're wrong my sweet wife... Let's start the show, Sweetheart!

He opened the door and got out of the car, you stayed speechless and followed him, he handed you the keys to open while he was bringing the boxes with you and his stuff.

You wanted to help but he refused, you were starting to complain when a man, your new neighbor, and technically the enemy, appeared, smiling pretending to be nice.

- I want to help! You're being a...

- Hello there! welcome to the neighborhood!

Both looked at him, he started to walk to you, Soap put the box on the floor and held your waist softly, you didn't know why but you felt shivers.

- Hey, thanks man! I'm John and this is my wife y/n

- it's really good to have new neighbors, I'm Jeff. I live in the house next to yours, feel free to visit whenever you want.

- Oh man, you live in a palace, it's a wonderful house!

- I Know, I think it is a good place to raise kids.

-Certainly it is, not only the house but the entire neighborhood, that's why my wife wanted to buy this house, no baby?

He kissed your forehead and squeezed your waist softly, you jumped in surprise.

- Oh, yes, sorry, I'm distracted by all this beauty, I can't wait to start to unpack! Jeff, how long have you been living here?

- I moved here 6 years ago, it's wonderful, my son loves this place, do you have children?

- Ah...

- Yes, our little princess, Emma, she's not here but will visit us soon, she's excited to see her new bedroom.

- Oh, where's she?

You started to worry, you never thought about the real danger you were putting on the little girl, but before you could think about a good lie, Soap spoke for both.

- She's visiting my parents, they have a small farm and Emma loves the horses.

- I see, well, I hope I can meet her soon, my son will be happy to have a new friend...

- For sure, Anyway, it has been a pleasure to meet you Jeff, we have too much work to do, we want to end all early, to have some time for us.

Jeff, was looking at both, there was something in his eyes that made you think he wasn't very convinced, You hugged Soap by his waist and put your head over his chest

- Ah yes, it has been a pleasure Jeff, but as my husband said, we have to hurry up if we want to... you know, do some newly married things.

He nodded and started to walk to his house, before you could speak again, Soap carried you and yelled «Home sweet home, my lady» you made a loud fake laugh and tried to make some sweet comments. Once the door was closed you jumped from his arms and looked for your phone and sent an encrypted text to Price. «Phase 1, Success, we'll start to install security around the house and ASAP we'll try to install microphones and trackers on the enemy». Soap was quick, he started to work in all the security system, you were surprised when you saw him installing on Emma's room.

- What are you doing Soap?

He looked at you and continued his work, you noticed Emma's room was the safest around the house. Then, his voice caught your attention.

- If your daughter will be staying here some days, I want to be sure she will be safe, you and her are my responsibility at the moment, it means that keeping us safe is my priority, more than spying on the enemy.

You blushed, his words caused you goosebumps and a strange feeling in your stomach, you weren't sure about why you were feeling all that so you decided to say thanks and leave the room.

- Thanks Jhonny, umm, dinner will be ready soon, wash your hands.

- I'll be there in a minute.

You ran out of the room, your heart beat was racing, after the dinner both were working a little, talking about your daughter and when she will visit you, it was strange for you, but for a moment you forgot this was all fake.

[s4r1n-g4s]

A Dying Spark of Hope, Rise of the Supernatural

Prologue

Galvana sat down at the edge of Starhenge, stargazing. All the young celestial wanted was to get her mind off of how she was treated. As the youngest of the celestials, she is the only one to have not received her element. With both the natural and ethereal elements already claimed by the others, what could be remaining? Galvana quietly sang to herself in an attempt to soothe herself. She shouldn’t have to worry so much, right? She would get there eventually… the other celestials have by now. 

“Hey, you, quit it. We already have vocalists on this island.” Scaratar scoffed, glaring down condescendingly at Galvana. “Plus, your singing is painfully mediocre. Maybe quit wasting our time and just maybe try to pick up that staff of yours. Seriously, what kind of celestial doesn’t have an element?” As Scaratar chuckled to herself, Galvana stood up, narrowing her eyes at the oversized beetle. “You’re the one wasting your own time by bothering me. At least I’m trying to contribute to our song, and I-” Scaratar immediately placed a claw over Galvana’s mouth, shushing her. “You act like you know everything, don’t you? You don’t even know your own element! Please, you’ll never be one of us, kid. Maybe you’ll be somewhat useful once you pick up that staff! Please, it can’t be that heavy!” Galvana opened her mouth again, but refused to say anything. She knew her words wouldn’t matter to the elder celestials. She laid her hands down on her staff, trying with all of her might to lift it. In spite of her efforts, it didn’t even lift an inch off the ground. Scaratar chuckled, strumming her sitar in Galvana’s face. “Just as I thought. What will you even add to this song? Absolutely nothing.” She walked off, giving her an uncomfortably rough noogie. Defeated, Galvana fell to the ground, desperately trying to lift her staff off of it. 

“Wow, very mature of you, Scaratar.” Attmoz scoffed, smacking his forehead. “I can’t believe that you are much older than me, yet you act like a PomPom who peaked as a teenager.” Scaratar glared back at him, clearly unamused. “Well that is no way to talk to your elders!” She clapped back at the air celestial, raising her front legs at him. Attmoz laughed, shoving Scaratar’s front legs down. “Seriously? You’re demanding respect, even after you treated Galvana that way? How am I supposed to respect someone as wretched as you?” he remarked, his expression shifting from amusement to disgust. “Well, have you seen her?” Scaratar burst out into a snorting laughter. “She can’t even hold her staff. I know that I am not singing along with a so-called celestial that can’t even pick a twig off the ground.” “That’s quite enough of you, pest. We all have been there at some point, and I remember how much I struggled to find my own element. I know it’s rather difficult for her, but I believe in her. I know she’ll lift that staff off the ground eventually.” Attmoz walked off, ignoring Scaratar’s incessant, incomprehensible shouting. 

Galvana had been trying to lift her staff for so long that her hands were covered in cuts and splinters, and her lungs were starting to burn from breathing so hard. “Hey Galvana, still can’t lift that thing?” Plixie scoffed, looking down at Galvana. “Looks like someone’s gotta start lifting. You know most of us c-” “You know, if you’re gonna pester me, the least you could do is come up with something creative.” Galvana muttered, rolling her eyes at Plixie. “What? It’s true. Your arms are looking a little twiggy there, don’tcha think?” The plasma celestial chuckled to himself for a moment, but when he realized that Galvana was ignoring him, he quickly grew bored. He decided to go bother Scaratar instead, as it was much easier to get a reaction out of her. Galvana continued to try and lift her staff, desperately trying to tune out the noises of Plixie and Scaratar screaming at each other. 

“Vana!” Vhamp enthusiastically shouted, sprinting towards their friend. As they observed Galvana, they noticed that something was… off about her. “Aww… did Scaratar get to you again?” Vhamp muttered, lowering themselves do Galvana’s level. “Well… no. I just… need to pick up this staff. I promi-” Galvana growled, just as Vhamp interrupted her. “Vana, I’ve been friends with you long enough to know that you’re a terrible liar. Come on, don’t let her ruin your day! We’re just… unique!” Vhamp smiled, placing a leg on Galvana’s shoulder. However, Galvana knew that her old friend saw her as lowly as the others. Even then, she didn’t want to hurt Vhamp’s feelings, so she smiled softly at the mech celestial. “Thanks…” she muttered, before trying to pick up her staff again. Vhamp concerningly glanced down at her, but figured she wouldn’t listen to them anyway. They walked off to the edge of starhenge, looking for some peace and quiet. 

Galvana had been at this for hours by now. Her hands were now awfully cut and splintered, and her lungs felt like they were being roasted over an open flame. She glanced over at Furnoss, who clearly had been observing her. He shook his head at her, before walking off to the observatory. “Still can’t lift that thing, huh? How disappointing?” Loodvig stood above her, meeting her eyes with a look of disapproval. “Hey, there’s no need to rub salt in the wound, Loodvigg. I may not have harnessed my element now, but I will… eventually.” Galvana sighed, barely managing to maintain eye contact. “Well, you keep on saying that, but you still can’t even play an instrument. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to practice the instrument I have already mastered long ago.” Loodvig walked off, sitting down by his piano. Galvana continued to struggle, but her lungs burned so badly that she grasped her chest, collapsing on the spot. 

Galvana choked back tears, trying to get up, but she was too weak from exhaustion. Attmoz, noticing how she was being discouraged by the other celestials, knelt down next to her. “Hey, you can’t just keep hurting yourself like this. I know it’s difficult to find your element, but you’ve pushed yourself way too far.” He sternly explained, pulling the splinters out of Galvana’s hands. “W-why are you even giving me t-the time of d-day? I have been nothing b-but a n-” Attmoz placed a hand on her shoulder, interrupting her. “No, we are not starting that now. Even if you haven’t figured yourself out yet, you are not unworthy of the title of a celestial.” He sternly, yet patiently comforted Galvana, sighing. “I used to struggle with this too. Scaratar would poke fun at me for how I was unable to play a physical instrument, so I thought of giving up. However, I tried a different approach. I learned how to manipulate the air in order to make noise, I harnessed my element.” Attmoz uttered, letting out a sigh. “However, it did not happen overnight.” Galvana looked up at Attmoz, clearly distraught over her situation. “D-do you know how I c-can do i-it?” She croaked, knowing she would break down if she continued speaking. “Well, I took a different approach. I spent some time discovering my own hobbies and interests. Most importantly, though, I found out who I was. Before you can figure out how to harness your element, you need to learn more about who you are as a celestial.” He smiled softly, patting Galvana on her back. She thought to herself for a moment, “Wow, I really have never taken some time for myself”. She had been letting the other celestials tell her who she was. However, she would have to grow a backbone if she had any hopes of harnessing any kind of element soon. 

Galvana woke up the next day, feeling rather tired. Yesterday was a lot for sure, as she dealt with both sore arms and emotional exhaustion. She sat down by her staff, gazing at the blue orb. Electricity sparked within it, and the hues shifted from a vibrant cyan to a deep indigo throughout it. She knew she had the potential, she just needed to figure out how to use it. The celestial was lost in thought, that is, until she felt someone shove her. “Still haven’t given up yet? Wow, you’re so stubborn. How in denial do you have to be to keep on going?” Scaratar asked, leaning over the young celestial. Galvana sighed, most definitely not having the energy to deal with this right now. “In denial of what?” She asked, before turning around, trying to ignore Scaratar. “Don’t play dumb, kid. We all know that you’ll never be one of us, that you aren’t a true celestial. Yet you keep on trying to lift that thing up. Please, maybe you should go back to balancing on that orb.” Scaratar snickered, expecting an angry response from Galvana. However, she pretended not to hear her, and continued to study the properties of her own element. Scaratar grew so frustrated that she tried to snatch Galvana’s staff, only to be shocked by it. “AUGH!!!” She yelped in agony as Galvana started hysterically laughing at her. Unfortunately, this pushed Scaratar to her limit. She raised one of her arms and stung Galvana, knocking her over. “YOWCH!!!” Galvana screeched, grasping her upper arm. Scaratar laughed in her face, shoving her to the floor. She walked off, feeling very proud of herself. 

Ugh, tweedle pox. Had it not been a celestial, Galvana would have been unharmed. However, as it was none other than Scaratar who stung her, she was stuck with this awful disease. How often did mortals experience this? It must have been awful, given how much more often they would get sick. At least she’ll recover fairly quickly from her illness. She’s a celestial, after all. She’ll be able to get back up on her feet in no time! Oh nope, never mind. Galvana yelped in pain as Scaratar stung her while she zoned out, her tweedle pox worsening again. A defeated expression crossed Galvana’s face as she tried not to scratch the blisters. Scaratar cackled at the pitiful celestial, shoving her out of the way as she walked towards the observatory. Galvana slumped down, knowing she had nowhere to properly rest. She couldn’t necessarily sleep, as the celestials didn’t need to. Scaratar had certainly irritated her before, but her antics have never made her feel this miserable. She was feeling better after a few days, only to be stung again. Looks like she’ll keep doing this to her, though. “Vana?” Vhamp asked, slowly approaching her. They didn’t really care about keeping a safe distance from her, as they are made of metal. They’re the only celestial that can’t get tweedle pox from Scaratar’s stings (or contagious celestials), so they sat down next to Galvana. “I-I know it’s not m-much, but I found some extra scrap metal. I-I know you’re not as into tech as I am, but… I just wanted to give you something to do, you know…” Vhamp handed Galvana a blueprint of one of their little gadgets, which seemed to be some sort of creature. It was rather stupid, but at least it was sort of cute. “Oh um… thanks!” Galvana chuckled. She may have found Vhamp’s gift to be a little strange, but she was grateful that someone was looking out for her. “Oh um- no problem!” Vhamp’s eyes lit up. Finally, someone appreciated their efforts. They don’t really know how to comfort people well, or how to deal with emotions in general, so they just sat down next to their fellow celestial to keep her company. 

Galvana analyzed the blueprints, having a strong feeling that she would not understand them. They looked so complex, and she wondered how Vhamp did all of this. However, she realized that she never really took the time to think about herself. On closer inspection, though, she grew… rather intrigued by the blueprint. She would create a little creature, which looked somewhat like a stick bug. Unfortunately, the dimensions of the piece were rather… tiny. She couldn’t make something that small with her sausage fingers! Maybe she could try to upscale it… she doubled the dimensions and got to work. She never actually did this before, but she just needed something to do while she was horribly sick. The moment the basis of the structure was created, she couldn’t look away. All she thought about was her little creation right in front of her. The way it all came together… It was so intriguing! All from a few scraps Vhamp found! It was almost like a fun puzzle, and at last… it all came together! The thing is, though, Vhamp’s creatures usually never move. 

She then remembered what caused Scaratar to sting her in the first place. Galvana was not harmed by her staff, but Scaratar was… She found it rather interesting. She wondered what would happen if she put her creature up to her staff. Although she most certainly isn’t in the mood for walking, she picked up her creation and stood up. “Vhamp, come on.” She grinned, walking over to where her staff was. The mech celestial looked rather confused, but they weren’t the type to question anyone. They’re just too shy, and worried that Galvana would be annoyed. The enthusiastic, yet sick celestial pressed her creature against the staff, and a wave of blue electricity surged through it. The creature got up… and it moved! “Wow! I never knew how to make these guys move… I…” Vhamp stared at the creatures, their eyes lighting up with joy. “Wow, Vhamp… this is so cool! I can’t-” Galvana’s excitement abruptly ended as soon as the creature fell to the floor. The sick Celestial grunted, sitting back down and curling up into a little ball. Vhamp, however, was not disappointed in her at all. “You… think it’s cool?! I’ve never had anyone care about my interests… but… here you are! You even made it move! YOU MADE IT MOVE!!! Can we do this more often?!” Vhamp excitedly chanted, bouncing around before stopping themselves. Did they go too far? They never thought they’d make a friend… especially someone as cool as Galvana. “Of course!” Galvana responded, a wide grin across her face. Vhamp may have been kind of annoying at first, but they came to comfort her. She hoped to do this more often, as Vhamp is the only celestial who can’t catch her illness. 

Galvana sat there for a moment, thinking to herself. Electricity… Maybe she could harness it? She always observed how lightning illuminated the dark, dreary skies during a thunderstorm… but she never knew it could be used for something like this. She tried picking up her staff, but once again, it did not move an inch off the ground. Ugh, how disappointing. Just as she was about to berate herself yet again, she remembered what Attmoz told her. It wouldn’t happen overnight. Now, she realized why it isn’t happening. Before she can figure out how to harness her element, she needs to figure out herself.

Yes, I know this is super random, but I have been chatting with a few friends about this for months, and now I'm ready to post it. You'll see why the title will be fitting in the upcoming chapters.

So, the order from the oldest to youngest in this AU is Furnoss (obviously), Scaratar, Torrt, Loodvigg, Glaishur, Attmoz, Blasoom, Hornacle, Syncopite, Plixie, Vhamp, Galvana.

Tags will be #A Dying Spark of Hope, #A Dying Spark of Hope msm, #ADSOH, and #ADSOH Msm.

Also, sorry for dying. I've been working hard on another project I have been cooking up lately...

[tangledinink]

Chapter Ten of I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? is up! :0 Betraying my system and posting one chapter early because it was one of my favorites to write and I'm excited... the boys return to school for the first time in a while, and, of course, it goes VERY well... read it on ao3 or below the cut!

[ prev ]

(cw: depictions of panic attacks, a lil bit of blood and fighting)

Oh god. He could not do this. What was he thinking? What were any of them thinking?! This was going to be a complete disaster. 

Leo's sneakers were still pointed in the direction of the school, and he was walking towards it, but he wanted oh so desperately to turn tail and run. He wouldn't. He wasn't gonna back out or ditch his family... but oh pizza supreme in the sky did he want to. 

He really, really hoped that this was worth it.

They had all agreed to the plan days ago, discussing it at length and reviewing the pros and cons. And when they had that original conversation, Leo had been all for it! It seemed like a good idea when Donnie pitched it... at the time. 

"Right. So. As you all know, I've been doing some research on the mystic artifacts that we recovered from Dad's room. There's not a ton I can find online, which I was expecting, but I've been doing some analysis on the actual items themselves and some of the readings they're giving, and--"

"You found something?" Raph interrupted, his eyes widening. Donnie had hesitated.

"Well. Not exactly," they had explained, wincing a bit. "There is definitely a pattern in what I'm seeing, and it seems like most mystic energy has a particular molecular build, if you will, so to speak. I mean, it's really not quite as simple as that, it sort of is less molecular and more next-to-molecular... It's pretty fascinating, actually, I mean, I can't imagine that anyone would notice these kinds of signatures unless they were actively looking for them, it’s really on detectable via--"

"Donnie!"

"Right. Sorry. The point is, I have a foundation. I have the buildings of an equation here, but I don't have any values to input into it yet, so I can't do anything with it. And that," they swiveled in their desk chair to point, grinning big. "Is where Mikey comes in."

They had all turned to look at their youngest brother, who absolutely beamed in response, oozing sunshine in a way Leo hadn't seen in nearly two weeks. 

"Did you guys know he can see auras?"

"I'm sorry, he can what?" Raph echoed.

"Well, 'aura' is the placeholder term I'm using for ease of communication at the moment. I'll label it with a proper term later. Mikey likes to call them ‘life colors.’ But the point is, according to Mikey, at least from what he can tell, pretty much everyone in the world has a unique 'life color.' I wasn’t really sure if I was gonna be able to go anywhere with this at first, but after discussing it at length and running a few tests, I’m fairly certain it is, in fact, a measurable mystic quality that I could figure out how to sample. So, in other words, a unique signature. In other other words..."

 Donnie had paused, expecting someone to finish the sentence. His family stared at him blankly. Donnie huffed a bit in annoyance, rolling his eyes.

"In other words, gentleman, (and April,) we have our values. If we know that everyone has a unique 'life color' signature associated with them, in addition to knowing that mystical energy itself has a unique signature associated with it, and if I’m able to detect and read both these signatures with my tech, I can, theoretically, generate a tracking algorithm capable of sweeping and zeroing in on these specific data points, and--"

"And you can find Dad!" Raph finished the sentence this time, his eyes absolutely alight. Wait, really!? They had a lead? They had a lead! Leo had all but jumped up from his seat on Donnie’s bed, bounding over to join his twin at their computer. 

"Alright, Dee! I knew you could do it!" He cheered. "So what are we waiting for!? Let's go get Dad already!"

"Well," Donnie held up his hands, and Leo paused. Wait, well? What was the problem?

"I can generate a tracking algorithm and software with a margin of error. And right now, the data pool we're working with is not especially impressive," Donnie muttered, turning back to the monitors and gesturing to a bunch of charts and numbers that none of them understood. They had all gathered and leaned in to look anyway. "As it stands, anything I build will likely not be especially accurate, if it works at all. I've already spent some time with it, and it turns out that there are... a lot of people in New York City," he said dryly. "Which makes this difficult."

 "Then... what do we do?" April questioned, frowning.

 Mikey had grinned, puffing out his chest. "We get more data!"

Leo had originally suggested that they just go camp in Times Square and people-watch, and collect a shit-ton of data that way, but as Donnie had explained it, it wasn't quite so simple. Just inputting the life colors of random people from off the street wasn't really going to train the AI he was coding to do much of anything. The software he was hoping to build wasn't going to have the same 'gift' as Mikey, and wouldn't be able to just 'see' people's life colors. They'd have to teach it how to do so by associating 'colors' with other data points, such as blood type, birthdays, thermo-magnetic signatures, and a bunch of other fancy words Leo didn't recognize, in order to try to find a pattern that could be used to identify and track such things. So it could learn to ‘see’ life colors on its own. In other words, they could only use the 'life colors' of people who they could find again and collect further data on. People who they could reliably locate over a period of time. People who they were able to access other records for...

And Donnie could hack into the school's database in his sleep. So.

Here they were.

At the time, it had seemed like a reasonable plan. Go to school, Mikey can collect a list of kids and their life colors, Donnie pulls data from the school's records, and the rest of them fill in the blanks with whatever weird tests Donnie said they needed. They were all sneaky enough that they could scan a kid's magnetic energy or whatever incognito. It was a good plan. They had even managed to convince Carol that they were ready to go back to school after several long conversations, insisting that staying home and not seeing any of their friends were just making things worse, etc etc.

But oh my god. Now they were here, walking up to the building, and all Leo could think was this is a horrible idea. He kept trying to tell himself maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe not that many kids knew, maybe no one was gonna say anything, but who was he kidding? He was sure the whole ass school had taken notice of their two-week absence and knew perfectly well by now that their dad was missing. It had only been circulating through the news and every social media platform that had ever existed on repeat since it happened. 

Everyone was gonna be looking at him with those sad, sorry-for-you eyes that he couldn't stand. It was gonna be awkward. And he was not even a little bit excited about it.  Dammit, he had had his phone on 'do not disturb' for the past two weeks for exactly this reason. 

But he had said he would do it. So. 

Here they were.

"Alright," Raph said, turning to face the rest of the group, just outside of the front doors. Leo could already feel other kids watching them. He thought back to his and Mikey's conversation that one time when they went to gymnastics. How things were normal, but also weren't at all, and just let them all in the lurch in this uncanny-valley sort of space. "We all know the game plan?"

"Yes sir," they all responded, though not with quite enthusiasm or coordination as they usually did. Leo could tell that everyone was nervous. I mean, jesus. He couldn't blame them.

"Alright," Raph bit the insides of his cheeks. Also nervous. "Everyone keep your phones on. And text the group chat if anything happens. We can always leave if we gotta, I mean, if you guys wanna go home--"

"Oh-ho-ho!" Leo remarked with a grin. "What happened to ‘no skipping class?’"

"Leo--"

"This is a great change of pace," he continued, desperate to break the tension. "But don't worry! We're gonna be fine-- we got this! And if anything happens, we'll just ninja our way out of here, no problem."

"No, if anything happens, we call April's mom to pick us up--"

"Same thing! We've got this one-thousand percent until control. Right, Magic Mike?" Leo teased, nudging his brother, who forced a half-hearted grin in response. "See? He's all over it. Okay, now what's that thing Raph always says? Don’t do anything Raph wouldn’t do? Don't be late to class? That thing! Everyone go do that!" He said, grabbing Donnie by the hand and promptly marching off. 

Oh, he could feel the eyes on the back of his head. But soooo worth it to end the awkward, anxious air. If this was what the entire day was gonna be like, he wasn't gonna make it. He could tell you that right now.

He wasn't sure Donnie was, either. Was he, like, legit shaking? Crap. Okay, come on. We can fix this.

"I mean it, you know," he said, slowing his pace slightly and releasing his grip, shifting into an easy stride next to his twin rather than dragging them along behind him. "You've got this, Dee. If anyone can figure out this whole mess, it's you, right? Once Mikey has all that data stuff, we'll be all set."

"Yeah..." Donnie said, not sounding anywhere near as confident as Leo was used to, staring down at his boots. Aw, man. 

"Oh, come on. Where's your enthusiasm? Where's the brother I know and love?" Leo bade, elbowing him slightly, but failing to make any actual physical contact with him. He had already pushed it by grabbing his hand, no need to pile on top of that... "Where's your... your thing! Your emotionless passion!"

"Here," Donnie mumbled in a tone just barely one step above a whine, hunching his shoulders slightly. "It's fine. I do have this. Today is just gonna suck." 

Leo sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. 

 "... Yeah. I know. We just gotta... get through it. Keep our heads down, muscle through, and once today is over, it's over. No biggie!"

Even he didn't believe it. Regardless, the pair made their way to homeroom-- though at an admittedly much slower pace than usual, with no racing, jumping, leaping, or flipping. It almost felt foreign, and Leo was half tempted to tag his brother and take off running. Muscle memory begged him to. But he knew that neither of them really felt up for it, and besides, the last thing they needed were even more eyes on them. Leo tried to emit his very best, 'do not look at me, talk to me, or fuck with me,' vibes as they entered the classroom, sticking close to his twin. That wasn't usually his forte-- it was more Donnie's, if anything-- but it was at least enough to ward off the masses until the first official bell of the day rang.

Leo's stomach was in absolute fucking knots. 'Cause he knew that he had geometry first period in the upper east wing of the school... and Donnie had history in the west. 

For a moment, he felt like a second grader again, terrified of his twin brother moving on without him and leaving him behind to go to school all by himself. He swallowed hard, lingering in the hallway just long enough to give Donnie a grin and sign a reassurance that he could text him if anything happened. Donnie had frowned, nodded, and they had parted. 

It did not feel good. 

He was trying to talk himself down from the ledge, resisting the urge to run after his brother and tackle him and cling to him, like, no, don't leave me alone!, when he rounded the corner and caught sight of a face across the hall that made him freeze.

"Leo!" Chase immediately called out when they made eye contact.

Dammit. He knew he was forgetting something. Actually, you know what? Fuck geometry. Who needs geometry? Leo made an immediate about-face, spinning on his heels and going exactly back the way he just came. Opting out of this conversation, thank you very much. 

"Leo!" He heard his despite-not-talking-in-literally-two-weeks-technically-still-boyfriend shout from behind him again, no doubt in pursuit, and Leo cursed in every language that he knew, picking up the pace. No no no no. He was so not in the mood for this. This was the last thing he needed. He barely even liked Chase that much on, like, a good day, he was just kinda cute and had decent taste in music! He had no intention of discussing any bit of, like, this whole situation with him. 

Gymnastics lessons, don't fail me now. Leo ducked and weaved past students as fast as he dared, dancing around, over, and occasionally through them, not really caring that much if he bumped or elbowed anyone. Sorry, he had priorities! A quick glance over his shoulder told him that, no, somehow, he still had not lost Chase, who was, in fact, living up to his name at the moment, and oh my god, was he panicking? He was pretty sure he was panicking, great, cool, no problem! Let's run with it! Mikey said that feeling emotions was healthy or whatever, and wow, was he feeling it!

 He nearly wiped out a couple of freshmen as he flung himself around a corner and down a side hall, his sneakers sliding noisily against the linoleum as he all but smacked into the nearest door he could find. Okay, running wasn't working, how about hiding? Just had to duck away somewhere for a minute and lay low, and it'd all be fine, and he wouldn't have to deal with this or talk about any of this or talk to him--

 He blanched when the door failed to budge. What?! No, no, no, come on! Open, you've gotta open! He glanced around frantically for an alternative exit plan, but there was nothing around that he'd be able to get to before Chase caught up.

 "Come on. Come on. Open, open, open, move, dammit, move--" He hissed under his breath, rearing back before shoving against the door with his entire weight.

 He yelped in surprise when he fell flat on his face, gravel stinging his cheeks and shifting beneath him, a shocking blast of icy cold wind cutting through him like a knife. What the--? Leo sat up quickly, brushing the dirt and pebbles from himself with a splutter as he glanced around at his surroundings.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..."

The good news was that he had lost Chase. 

Bad news was that he was on the roof. 

Okay... so we can definitely rule out sleepwalking.

---

Donnie had learned years ago, though admittedly a bit later than most, that the internet couldn't always be trusted. He knew by now that it wasn't reasonable to always expect things to go the way they were described on online forums or in web articles, and understood the concept of 'expectations VS reality...'

But that didn't make the reality any better.

Because he had come prepared, right? They knew that this was going to suck, and they did what any good scholar would do in such a situation-- research. They had Googled it, had looked up 'what to expect when returning to work/school after a personal tragedy,' (because Googling 'after your Dad gets kidnapped' hadn't yielded any good results and Donnie figured it must have been too specific,) and he had read the WikiHow, the reddit forums, the Quora threads, and all the other articles in between. He had prepped!

But jesus christ. None of them had mentioned how much touching there was going to be.

So far he had been subject to no less than four overly emotional hugs that he had not consented to, (what were they emotional about, anyway?) eleven hand grabs-slash-squeezes, and so many shoulder rubs and gentle arm touches that he had lost count. And every single time, he had to resist the urge to shove them away. And every single time, the touch absolutely lingered, sticking to him like tree sap and covering him up like mushrooms and spores and burning him.

God. They hated this. Hated this, hated this, hated this. They were trying so hard to keep their mind focused, to concentrate on the task in front of them and the reason they were here, but their head was already all fuzzy and thick, feeling as though it had been stuffed full of fountain grass. Everyone kept coming up to them to talk to them, to say that they were so sorry to hear about their dad and if there was anything they can do and they hope things work out soon and blah blah blah, all these stupid, pointless, unpleasant emotions that they just kept dumping over his head until he was soaked and shivering and freezing cold, drenched down to his bones. The entire school was getting louder and louder by the second. Had the teacher's heels always clicked like that? And had the lights in the classroom always been so goddamn bright?

The kid behind him in his third period class popped their gum and Donnie stood up, grabbed his stuff, and walked out. 

He was pretty sure his teacher said something, but he was not even listening to her a little bit. Sorry, nope, nu-uh, not today, they were leaving, or else they were absolutely going to vomit. They had no idea where they were going but they just-- they had to be-- not here. 

 Please, just somewhere else. 

They quickened their pace through the hallways, eyes darting around, looking desperately for a place to just hide for a little bit, just somewhere else, because they were about to lose their mind. Their tongue was all thick and swollen and stuck to the roof of their mouth and their head was buzzing like it was filled up with wasps and their joints were all tight, like they had just run a marathon, like they were being chased-- they knew there was somewhere to go. He knew this. Come on, Donatello, think. You've studied the blueprints of the school. Calm down, focus-- where are you going?

One left and a right, third door from the left. Supply closet. This is where he’s going.

Donnie practically threw himself into the closet, yanking the door shut behind him, flicking off the lights, and sinking down to the ground, curling up into the littlest ball he could become and burying his head between his knees, because no, no, he’s not having a panic attack. Not right now. Not before he even makes it halfway through the day, goddammit, no, he’s fine. Everything is fine. 

It's... it's fine. Donnie swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut and wiggling his wrists back and forth, anxious and jittery, just barely tapping his knuckles against the sides of his head as he tried to focus on breathing. Yeah. No. Things were totally fine. He was not freaking out. He was not sitting here, absolutely fucking terrified that someone was going to burst in through the door looking for him any second now.

Nope. Not him. He was... all good.

Please, for the love of the known, observable universe-- and even the unknown, unobservable parts!-- just leave me alone. Just let it be quiet for a while.

He swallowed thickly, biting the edges of his tongue, fighting to settle. He pressed his shoulders up against the cold, hard metal door behind him, trying desperately to ground himself, to be here, in reality, and not float off and spiral. The sound of approaching footsteps just barely breached the protective net of his headphones, and he bristled, every muscle in his body tensing, poised to run-- only for his hackles to lower again when the sound passed on, walking past the closet without disturbing him. 

They’re gonna look for you, an unwelcome little voice in his head warned. Donnie frowned.

No, they’re not. It’s fine.

They are. You ran right out of class. Everyone already thinks you’re crazy even on a good day-- let alone today. They’re looking for you. They’ll find you.

People don’t think I’m crazy. They’re not looking for me. It’s fine. We-- we have time. We just need to calm down, and we’ll go back. They’re not gonna find us.

They will. They’re gonna show up any second.

They’re not. You don’t know that.

You don’t know that they won’t.

They won’t. It’s fine.

You don’t know. How could you know? There’s no way of knowing.

Things could still get worse!

They could be here any second!

You don’t know!

The click and clatter of metal-on-metal cut through Donnie the same way he imagined being stabbed would be like, and he absolutely froze. But to his surprise, the door didn’t fall away behind him. No harsh light or chiding voice invaded the space. Everything remained… just as it was.

So what was that noise?

After taking a moment to build up enough courage and clarity to give in to curiosity, he slowly unwound all his muscles, sitting up properly and looking around. And, in fact, it took almost no time at all for him to identify the source.

Looped firmly around the door handle was a small padlock that had most certainly not been there before, constructed entirely, it seemed, of violet light in a very familiar shade.

Fascinating... Did I make this?

Donnie leaned in to examine the item, running his fingers along the edges of it, investigating, testing it a few times and tugging at it lightly. It was a fairly primitive thing, from what he could tell, but it was most certainly doing its job, keeping the door firmly shut and not giving way when he pulled. Well. He supposed he was going to be in here for a while. Not that he really minded. Sighing deeply, he sat back down, pulling his bag off of his back and quickly retrieving his laptop.

Thank god. Data collection.

---

It wasn't that people weren't being nice. They were. Everyone was being super nice! Several of Raph’s teachers had taken him aside to tell him not to worry about any missed work or his grades right now. In every single class, classmates took the time to offer hugs and words of encouragement. Members of the football team and basketball team alike sought him out in the halls to present him with a Build-A-Bear gift card that they had all pitched in to get with a promise that they could all go out together whenever he was down for it. He had, admittedly, teared up a tiny bit.

It was really, really lovely. It was wonderful to know that so many people cared about him and were concerned about him.

So why did he still feel so awful?

Raph felt almost ungrateful, plodding through the school with this big weight on his shoulders, his entire frame feeling like it was rotting rapidly beneath his skin. He was absolutely surrounded by people; swaths and seas of them, and half of them knew him, half of them were concerned about him. So why did he feel like he was all by himself in a big empty cavern?

I wonder if the others are okay, he had thought.

Are people being cool with them, too?

But what if they are? Leo might not like it. He loves attention, but not that kind. It might freak him out. Donnie too.

What if people are giving Donnie hugs? He hates that. He'll be miserable. 

Are all their teachers telling them not to worry about their grades, either? Are Mikey's teachers letting him get off without make-up work? He already tries so hard with school as it is. What if he ends up having to do a bunch of extra on top of it all? 

And what if their grades slip? That's really important to Donnie. They're gonna be devastated if their GPA gets tanked.

Is April good? Is she getting overwhelmed? Are people asking her lots of questions? People aren’t pestering me so far for details, but what if they think it’s okay to pester April like that because she wasn't, technically speaking, a Hamato? She was. It wasn't okay. What if people were looking to her for answers?

What if this was a horrible plan?

Well, technically, it wasn't even your plan. It was Donnie's plan.

But it was your plan to use Donnie's plan! And you're the biggest brother. You're responsible.

Man, why the hell are you here right now?! You should be with them! You should be taking care of them!

Why? You've been with them all week, and the week before that, and ain't helped at all! 

Raph could feel a twitch developing in his eye, much to his annoyance. It did very little to soothe him as he moved through the day, and every five minutes, Mind-Raph asked, 'is it time to panic yet?'

He got through to nearly fourth period before the answer was yes, it is, in fact, time to panic. Not the ideal answer.

He wasn't even sure what set it off, actually. He only did about half the time, which was by far the most frustrating part, because when he didn't know he just felt like he was floundering blindly at nothing for no good reason. He had been in the hallway, moving between classes, a raindrop in the ocean of other students all doing the same thing, and some younger kid had darted past him, seemingly in a rush, sort of knocking into his arm-- maybe that was what did it. He wasn't exactly sure, because usually, that wouldn't bother him at all. 

It did today.

This didn't happen often, really, but every time it did, it was like, oh, great, here we go again, and he'd brace himself for the coming ride. Because it fucking sucked. The room was spinning and his legs were going out from under him and his chest was compressing and his throat was closing up and his eyes were fucking deteriorating in his head.

Not really. He was okay. He could still breathe, or, well, hyperventilate, at least. He was still on his feet, even if he was shaking.... But it wasn't like he could tell. Fuck. The world was ending, maybe? No, it wasn't. Get it together. Get a grip, Raph, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, except no, it's not, I can't breathe, why can't I get a goddamn breath?! He hated doing this. 

People were still moving around him, and he grabbed the nearest locker he could get to as an anchor, pressing his palm against it as he tried to remember how to breathe. Cold. Smooth. Hard. Grounding, right? Donnie taught you this. He was vaguely aware of a few kids lingering, taking notice of his panic, touching his back and asking if he was okay. Raph didn't have it in him to speak right now, but he wanted so badly to snap at them to leave him alone. Couldn't they tell he was already using all of his energy to not completely lose it, flip out, and punch a hole through the wall? Again?! It had been a nightmare the first time when Dad had to deal with that, he did not want to put that on Mrs. O'Neil's plate.

"Hey, come on, back up, give him some room to breathe, would ya?"

This voice was loud enough that Raph could hear it over his own shuddering, and he shifted slightly, his eyes darting to the side. He knew this guy. Jason-- they skateboarded together sometimes. He was really good. He had a pet leopard gecko he had seen many pictures of. He was Mikey's age; more his friend than Raph's own, but regardless, he had been over to their apartment a few times. They weren't crazy close or anything-- but they were friends.

That was more than enough for him right now.

"You good, dude?" Jason said, softer now, leaning in towards Raph just a tiny bit, but still keeping his distance. "I mean-- do you want me to text your brothers or something?"

Raph squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing hard before giving a short shake of his head.

No. No, he'd be okay. He just needed a minute. He didn't want to make them all worry about this when they had a job to do. 

God, he just hoped that they were all having a better day than he was... and not getting themselves into any kinds of messes.

---

Mikey could feel hot blood splatter across his knuckles as his clenched fist made contact with Zach's nose, a satisfying crunch echoing through his hand, up his wrist, and then bouncing around in his ribs. The martial arts tournaments he competed in were great. He loved them, really. But they felt nothing like this.

Wait. Sorry. We're jumping ahead.

Was the first day back at school after nearly two weeks off stressful? Yeah, of course, it was. Mikey had been pretty jittery when he got to school this morning, dancing on his toes and fidgeting with his spinner ring, fussing with the beads in his hair, and worrying the corners of his lips between his teeth. But it actually hadn't been as bad as he had thought.

They had said they wanted to 'get back into the routine' to Mrs. O'Neil as an excuse to get her to let them come, but honestly, it was almost kind of good? Yeah, things were still weird, and he was still worried and scared, but it wasn't like with gymnastics. When he was at gymnastics, it just felt like they were there to be there-- just as an excuse to ignore what was going on and pretend like it wasn't happening.

But they were at school for a reason. They had a lead. And, more importantly, Mikey had a job to do. 

 He had latched on tight to his assigned task-- dug his fingers in like he was burrowing into clay, pressing in until his entire fist had sunk inside, and then took off running. Really, he liked being occupied. ADHD was a bitch sometimes, but today, the stars must have aligned because it was all systems go. He knew exactly what he was doing, and his brain was completely and utterly focused on this task. Yes, it was genuinely nice to see all his friends and teachers again after so long... but that wasn't the point. None of the fear and anxiety and stress was touching him right now because he had a job.

Because he loved getting to see Rebecca again and discuss how her hamster was doing at home, and because she was this deep, dark, rich turquoise color, ever so slightly bluer than it was green. And because getting to see his favorite teacher, Mr. Ovin, was great, and he was all sweet and reassuring, and he was a deep, warm gray, like fog in the summer. It was great because Timothy was indigo, just edging on violet. It was great because Dale was yellowy-orange like cantaloupe. Because Taylor was hot pink. Because José was golden-brown. Because Mona was midnight blue. 

 His list was already fifty-strong before they even hit lunch period, and Mikey was absolutely giddy. Yeah, baby! If this wasn't enough data to get them started, he swore he'd eat his own watercolor set. Surely this was, if nothing else, a good start, and he was already just chomping on the bit to tell the rest of his family. Donnie was gonna be thrilled, he was sure--

"Mikey!"

It was not the first time that day someone had yelled for his attention. In fact, the day had been absolutely littered with them-- Mikey could hardly take a step without someone looking to speak with him and check in with him now that he was in school. So he paused in his steps, his eyes chasing after the sound of the calling voice until he found Zach, dodging through throngs of students to make his way over.

"Hey, Zach!" Mikey greeted, offering a grin-- a genuine one, too, all wide and toothy. 

"Hey! Hey, Mikey. Uhhh. Good to see you back." 

"Thanks," Mikey replied. Not the first time he heard that today, either, but it was still nice to think that his absence had meant something to people. 

"Yeah, yeah. So, uh, do you have that commission done yet?"

Mikey blinked. 

"Commission?"

"Yeah! Yeah, remember, you were gonna do a portrait of Abby, for her birthday?" Zach laughed nervously. "I was kind of worried you were gonna miss it, you were gone so long, but--"

"No?"

"What?" Zach paused, his eyebrows raising, and Mikey frowned, hesitating a second before he found new words, quickly scrambling, re-evaluating, and re-writing.

"Uh, sorry," he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, I don't have it done yet. I've kind of got commissions on hold right now? So... I dunno when it's gonna get done. Sorry, dude."

"... But her birthday is on Wednesday."

"Sorry," Mikey repeated.

"And I paid you in advance."

Mikey grit his teeth. Oh, yeah, paid him a whole twenty dollars in advance...? 

"Yeah, sorry, but--"

"Well, what am I supposed to give her?"

"I dunno. Figure something out?"

Oh. Oh, actually,

"What do you mean figure something out? I did! I paid you!"

Actually... Maybe the stress,

"Do you want your money back?"

Was still here, actually.

"No, I want my portrait! Do you know how pissed she's gonna be if I don't have anything to give her on Wednesday?"

His head was suddenly remembering how little he had slept over the past two weeks.

"That's really not my problem."

His eyes suddenly remembered how many tears they had shed.

"Dude, are you serious?!"

His throat remembered the ache of howling.

"Are you serious?! I dunno if you've heard, but I'm a little bit busy right now! Your girlfriend's birthday commission isn't really a priority right now!" Mikey snapped, feeling himself bristle.

"You've literally not shown up for school for two weeks, what do you mean busy!?"

"I'm not on vacation, Zach! I've been with my family!"

"For two weeks!?" Zach protested. "Look, dude, I'm really sorry your dad died, but this was really important to--"

Mikey froze.

"Excuse me?" He hissed. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"Come on, Mike, this was really--"

"My dad isn't dead," Mikey whispered. His head felt all hot. He felt like a goddamn candle. The rest of his body was melting, but his head was just heat and nothing else. "He's missing. He's not dead."

"Okay, look, I didn't mean--"

Mikey shoved him. Not hard. But not soft, either.

"Leave me alone," he spat, and even though he was all heat, all bright reds and oranges and yellows, he felt his voice was cold and white like ice, like the month of December. Zach stumbled a bit, his mouth gaping dumbly like a fish, and Mikey watched and waited with absolutely bated breath to see how he would respond. Zach was a junior. He was a lot taller than Mikey was. Bigger, too. And his color was orange, too, Mikey noted in the back of his mind. Bright, dazzling, almost scarlet orange.

He could feel students nearby pausing, lingering, beginning to turn heads and slow their footsteps in order to watch and see what was going to happen.

Zach's face contorted with indignant fury, and he stepped forward to shove Mikey right back. Mikey let his body take the momentum with absolute grace-- let his feet be forced back a few steps, falling into stance once they found the ground again. He lowered his body slightly, squaring his shoulders, finding his center of gravity, and taking it in both hands. Suddenly, he felt very calm.

That was exactly what Mikey was hoping he would do.  

---

Jeez Louise, at this rate, I'm gonna give Taylor Martin a run for her money...

April was rapidly growing annoyed with the number of people who, up until now, didn't want anything to do with her, but were now suddenly quite concerned about both her well-being and the state of her brothers. She had gotten just about as many questions as she had condolences, which she had no idea how to receive. I mean, god, what's the appropriate response to people asking those kinds of things? Were they doing okay? Uh, I dunno, that's sort of a loaded question! 

She was also suddenly becoming uncomfortably aware of how many kids in their grade had a thinly-veiled crush on Raph, which she was not too pleased with. Like, good for him or whatever, (not that she thought he had the slightest clue,) but she didn't need to know all that, thank you! Yes, Melissa, I'll tell him you said hi, but don't you two have bio together!? Jeez! Stupid giant quarterback little brother...

April grumbled as she made her way into chemistry class, making a beeline to her usual seat and immediately laying her head down in her arms with a scowl. Maybe if she was lucky, people would get the hint and not bother her. Not that that had worked out so far...

"Bad day?"

April took a long, deep breath, and then slowly let it back out, picking up her head just enough to watch Sunita take her seat next to hers, offering a weak, sympathetic little smile in her direction. She had almost forgotten there was someone she actually liked in this class.

"Something like that," April said with a wry smile, wrinkling up her nose a bit before laying her head back down. "I know how this sounds, but I am soooo sick of people caring about me and my brothers."

"Uh oh... Kind of a lot, huh?" Sunita mumbled, wincing a bit, and April nodded a little, wrapping her arms around herself and frowning.

"I know people are just trying to be nice or whatever, but it's just... I dunno. Can you just let us breathe?! I hope they're not being this pushy with the guys because it's a lot for me and it's not even technically my dad, I mean, they're a total mess, I just--" She caught herself, biting her tongue. "Sorry. I'm just a little worried about them. And kind of annoyed," she admitted, rolling her eyes. "It's fine."

Sunita didn't respond right away, and when April glanced over at her again, there was this funny sort of expression on her face that April couldn't quite place. She frowned, about to say something, when Sunita nodded, biting the insides of her cheeks.

"Yeah. I get it. I mean. Gob. I can't imagine... I'm sure it must be stressful…"

April hesitated a second before she responded again. "It's a lot. But. You know. We're... handling it," she said, readjusting her glasses quickly. "Sorry. Can we just, like, talk about something else?"

"Oh! Right. Right, sorry, I'm being just as bad as everyone else!" Sunita gasped, her face flushing. "Sorry. Uh. What do you wanna-- uh-- did you… see the new episode of that barbecue show that just came out? I think Mikey would like it, uhm, they made some really bold choices..."

If April was being honest, she wasn't really listening. Sorry, Sunita. But she appreciated the white noise, at least, allowing herself to tune out for a while, scribbling black zig-zags and wriggles aimlessly in the margin of her notebook until class started properly. And, actually, even after class started properly. She was usually pretty focused at school and took her studies seriously. I mean, not as seriously as some people, but she got good grades! She just wasn't really feeling it today. Whatever. Her notes may suck, but at least she had something. She was sure Donnie could teach her whatever this was later. 

Class seemed to last a millennia, dragging along as April doodled and tried to keep her mind off of the rest of her family. God, she really hoped that this plan worked... if it did, it would be worth a million of these shitty school days. 

 She just really hoped that this wasn't for nothing.

She could see Sunita repeatedly giving her anxious, worried looks out of the corner of her eyes, fidgeting with her headband and frowning to herself. Honestly, she knew that their opening conversation had been a bit awkward, but it wasn't worth Sunita stressing over like this. Ugh. Maybe she should apologize or something later... It wasn't like she was mad or anything, she was just... tired.

 She was just really, really tired.

 April wasted no time at all in swiping her books from off the desk when the bell finally, blissfully rang, dismissing her from this class and shuffling the whole school on to the next. She didn't expect that the next class would be any better, but at least she'd be that much closer to the end of the day... Before she could get very far, however, she felt a hand clamp around her wrist.

 "... Sunita?" April questioned, raising a brow. "Uh. Is something wrong?"

"Yes! I mean. No! I mean. Oh..! Hang on, just... just... c'mere!" Sunita bit out, chewing nervously at her fingernails as she yanked April from the classroom, moving with such fervor that April nearly lost her footing, giving a surprised little yelp as she stumbled after the other.

 "Sunita! Whoa, girl, hang on!!! Where the heck are we going?"

 "Somewhere... else! Just, just, hang on! You've just gotta trust me, okay?" Sunita hissed, quickly ducking around a corner, all but shoving April into the first empty classroom that they found, hurriedly shutting the door behind her.

 "Wha-- girl, what is going on!?" April spluttered, looking around frantically. She really liked Sunita, but this had better not be her coming onto her or something, 'cause it was so not the time--

"I just-- oh, gob, I'm going to get in so much trouble. What am I doing?! This is so so so against the rules... Okay. Okay. Buck up, Sunita," the other girl squeaked, seemingly pep-talking herself, pacing out several rapid back-and-forth laps across the linoleum floor before she suddenly whipped around to meet April's eyes, grabbing her firmly by her shoulders.

"I know where Mr. Hamato is."

[ next ]

[star-girl69]

Keep Me Ablaze

Jake Sully x Neytiri x Fem!Reader

—-

a/n: i hope you all enjoy!!

warnings: swearing, crying, mentions of blood and injury, fighting, tell me if i missed anything!!

Chapter Fifteen- Ache of You

—-

Before Jake and Neytiri, no one ever caught your eye. Sure, there was that fleeting crush on that one soldier a few years ago, that medic, but nothing ever came of it.

Grace always said it was for the better, to wait until you’re older and you know what you want. But you were just a teenager when she told you that, obsessed with the idea of waking up next to someone and feeling loved.

If Grace found you like this, head on Jake’s chest, his hand around your waist and his lips in your hair, you have no idea what she would say. Are you old enough now? Do you even care what she thinks?

There has always been a sort of desperation in your relationship, knowing that the two of you were the only ones left. No sisters, no mothers or fathers. It was just you and her. That was all that there was.

At one point, you thought it was all there would ever be.

But now his lips are in your hair, and his hand is on your face, his other hand splayed out over your stomach.

“Wake up,” he mutters, “wake up, baby.” He’s still groggy, half-asleep, and you only have the strength to hum annoyingly and try and bury yourself in him. “I’m not dealing with Grace finding us like this, sweetheart.”

You hum, and start to move away, but he keeps you pressed close to him for another second.

“I see you,” he says, nose bumping yours. “I see you everywhere.”

You smile. “I see you.”

—-

When you wake up, back in your Avatar body, where you belong- the first thing you feel is an ache. You groan and rub your thighs together, inadvertently waking Neytiri up. She smiles even through your discomfort, even through her own- no doubt feeling it too.

She presses a kiss to your nose, before turning and pressing a kiss to Jake’s arm where your heads lay. His other arm wraps around the both of you, his chest against your back.

You let yourself bask in the soft sunlight, in the feel of hands on you. Neytiri places her hand on the side of your neck, thumb pressed into the base of your throat.

“My mate,” she whispers, like she can’t believe it. You smile, open your eyes to see her looking at you like there are stars in your eyes. Before, you would have thought up some excuse, but now you see it for what it is.

It’s just like this, for a few moments, Grace probably force-feeding Jake his breakfast, and you and Neytiri just belonging to each other.

She heard it before you do. At first, it is too far away, and her eye simply twitches, and she frowns. Then, louder it grows, until you hear it too.

The sound of the humans.

You think of death and fire, not the kind that teaches. Destruction, ruin.

Neytiri gasps and stands up, and you barely even have a moment for it all to connect in your mind before she drops down again, straddling Jake.

“My Jake!” she yells, shaking him, and the desperation in her voice makes the world all catch up to you. You bring yourself to your knees, and you see the utraya mokri falling, succumbing to the metal of the humans.

You have never felt less like a human then you do right now.

The senseless killing and destruction- it makes you feel sick to your stomach.

“Y/N, Y/N,” Neytiri begs, and your stomach sinks even more when you realize Jake is still in his human body.

“We- we have to-” you stutter, ears filling with the sound of wood splintering, eyes flicking from Jake and Neytiri and the impending death.

“Jake! Jake! Wake up! Jake, please!”

“We have to go!” you shout, some semblance of intelligence returned to you. Neytiri looks appalled for a second- until she sees your hand on Jake’s arms. Your stomach twists. She thought you would leave him?

The forest starts falling around you, branches and leaves, the two of you each grabbing one of Jake’s arms and tugging him across the forest floor. You should feel bad, manhandling him like this- but he will die if you don’t do something. And this is all you can think of.

The two of you barely manage to tug him over a tree trunk before you can’t anymore, his weight too much, the humans too close. The trees and their shape branches are only feet away now-

“Jake! Wake up! Jake!” Neytiri says, now having taking to screaming at him and pleading. Tears fall down your face. What are you supposed to do? Run and leave him, have a piece of you heart missing forever? Or are you supposed to lay here and die with him?

You squeeze your eyes shut, place your hand over your mouth to hide your sobs, until Neytiri gasps.

“Jake!” she shouts once more, but it’s fonder, softer, less desperate. It clicks just as you look up to see him running off.

“No!” Neytiri shouts, still sitting down next to you. The two of you are in shock, you reason, but all you want to do is go back to a few moments ago- when all you had to do was belong.

“Hey! Stop! Stop!” Jake shouts, waving his hands like a madman. You imagine a clown at the circus, destined to perform for people who will only ever laugh.

Finally, as if Jake is some sort of god, it all stops. The forest is silent, for one moment.

Jake stands, hunched in some sort of attack position, one hand raised to the bulldozer and the other held out in front of the two of you.

Scratches cover your legs and stomach, only lightly bleeding, but enough for you to feel it.

Then, as if they have turned their back on Jake, the bulldozer comes forward again. Jake growls and turns, the uprooted trees closing in.

“Go! Go!” he shouts, ushering the two of you out of harm’s way.

“This way, this way,” Neytiri pants, her hand squeezing yours, until the two of you manage to make it behind a tree. You rest against it, breathe for one moment, two, and when you open your eyes Neytiri is staring wide-eyed at the destruction.

“Skxawng! Skxawng, skxawng!” she shouts, one hand pressed against the tree, the other a fist at her side.

“What, what?” you breathe, reaching forward and turning to the side, looking for Jake until he is just- not there. When you look up, heart beating so loud you think Neytiri can hear it, Jake is climbing on top of the bulldozer and shouting at the camera. You want to scream, but you know he won’t hear him from there.

Instead, you settle for wrapping your arms around Neytiri and praying that the Great Mother will see fit to spare him.

Then, you hear the gunshots. You open your eyes but Jake is already jumping from the bulldozer to the ground, and the bulldozers get so close-

“Jake!” Neytiri shouts, leading you by the hand, even while you cry so much your eyes are blurry with tears.

“This way!” he shouts, leading the two of you further away.

Now, out of harms way, Neytiri’s sobs echo throughout the forest, creating a song with the sounds of the forest being turned down, the beeping and the chatter of humans.

Jake wraps his arm over your shoulders.

“It’s okay,” he says, but he doesn’t believe it.

The forest is the only mother you have ever known. You almost lost Jake- but he is here with you, his arms around you.

But your mother is being torn down right in front of you.

Jake punches the tree next to you.

—-

It took much time for your tears to dry, and despite your puffy eyes, you look as if nothing had happened.

“Tsu’tey!” Jake shouts, his hand slipping from yours, as you weave through the crowd of emboldened Na’vi. “Don’t do this.”

Tsu’tey’s eyes narrow onto Jake, and Neytiri’s shoulder bumps yours as she presses close to you. Tsu’tey shoves his bow into the chest of another Na’vi, before storming forward like thunder and shouting, pushing Jake to the ground.

You run over to him, while Neytiri goes forward to keep Tsu’tey back. You touch Jake like a lover, and Tsu’tey notices that- notices the fierceness Neytiri protects him with.

“Stop! Tsu’tey!” Neytiri shouts, her hands on his chest to try and push him back. But it is too late, he has already realized.

“You mated with these women?” he spits, his face twisting into something heartbroken. You ache, thinking of him and Sylwanin, him and Neytiri.

“What the hell?” Grace asks, and you can only tuck your chin to your chest, crouching behind Jake.

“Is this true?” you hear Mo’at hiss.

Jake stands, pulling you up with him, and you look up to see Neytiri tilt her chin up in defiance.

“We are mated before Eywa. It is done.”

Tsu’tey inhales deeply, the aftermath of betrayal scarring his features. He turns, paces forward until Jake starts following.

You can feel Grace’s eyes on you.

“Brother, please. Do not attack the Sky People. Many Omaticaya will die if you do.”

“You are not my brother!” Tsu’tey shouts, pulling a knife from from his waist and running straight at Jake. You scream his name, but Neytiri pulls you to the side, as Tsu’tey soars past you and flips over into a fighting position after Jake evaded him.

He draws his own knife, steel on steel. “And I am not your enemy!”

Neytiri leads you around, behind them, until Grace grabs you by the arm and Eytukan pushes Neytiri away.

“Grace!” you hiss, as Neytiri looks over her shoulder for you.

She grabs your face by your chin, making your lips puff up.

“Is it true?” she asks, and you cannot tell if that is heartbreak in her voice or just memories.

“The enemy is out there!” Jake shouts, and you can imagine what he looks like, muscles rippling and knife discarded- thrown into the ground. You See him.

You can’t meet her eyes when you nod.

She pulls back, hand falling from your jaw, shaking her head slightly.

“Y/N… baby,” she whispers.

“I can talk to them,” Jake tried to reason.

“No more talk!” Tsu’tey shouts, before grunting, and you whip around. Grace wraps her arm around your waist, pressing her tight to you even as you try and push her off.

You see the two of them careening past each other, Tsu’tey’s arm flicking out, knife grazing Jake’s chest.

“Tsu’tey!” Neytrii shouts.

“Let me go, let me go,” you plead, but Grace holds you tight, and with the weight of what has happened resting on your shoulders- you cannot fight her, not now.

Suddenly, Tsu’tey comes forward again, and the two of them become a frenzy of blue, kicks and punches until Tsu’tey is back where he started- except on his hands and knees.

“I am Omaticaya. I am one of you. And I have the right to speak.”

Blood drips from Tsu’tey’s nose.

“I have something to say… to all of you.”

Jake’s Na’vi is not perfect. But you can understand him. Neytiri presses forward, until she is only a foot away from you and Grace.

Jake turns to you.

In English, he whispers, “the words are like stones in my heart.”

Suddenly, Grace’s arms go limp and she’s falling, so you turn quick to try and catch her, Neytiri coming forward to help steady the both of you. You gently lay her on the ground, and Neytiri meets her eyes.

“Oh,” you mumble stupidly, because if she was pulled- you and Jake will be too.

“Okay,” Jake starts, shifting on his feet, “look… I was sent here to-”

Then he falls, face first, and you barely have time to stand before Tsu’tey is kneeling over him, grabbing him by the braid and forcing his lifeless head up.

“You see? It is a demon in a false body!” he shouts.

“No, no,” you mutter, and Neytiri yells and rushes past you.

You watch as she jumps on top of Tsu’tey, kicking him off and away, before you run into action.

You think you shout something, until your mind goes hazy, and you’re falling and falling. You barely register yourself landing next to Jake, Neytiri crouching over the both of you with her knife out and hissing.

—-

You gasp wildly when you wake, someone grabbing the edge of your link pod and tugging it up. Your mind is so foggy, trying to realize where you are, when the solider tugs you out of the pod and onto your feet, dragging you past Jake.

He is at a stand off with Colonel Quaritch, words you can’t register, and you try and throw yourself towards Jake because he means safety to you.

The man tugs you back, and you shout his name, so Jake’s eyes flick over to you.

He narrows his eyes at Quaritch.

“If you hurt her, I swear to God I’ll-”

He’s interrupted by a scoff.

“A human girlfriend, huh, Sully? Maybe you have some loyalty,” he muses, looking at you over his shoulder, cruel smile on his face.

The soldier grips you tight, arms around your biceps- you’re sure he will leave a bruise. All you want is for someone to come, a star to fall, a door to open- someone to save you.

“But you still crossed a line,” he hisses, and punches Jake in face like it is nothing.

You burn with something new- something of a warrior. Something of a woman who will have revenge.

—-

taglist:

@eywas-heir @kitkat1690 @tiajk @reallysparklychaos @behindthearcane @neteyamforlife @aeslenya @ghoulbli @luvvsnae @personapersonally @bubble-blu @ameriesworld @itsyoboysparkel @ok-boke @arschbohrer @ambria @ssc7514 @w3ird11 @vane28282 @littlexscarletxwitch @erenjaegerwifee @myheartfollower @simp-erformarvelwomen @maevirago @n7cje @aerangi @minkyungseokie @disaster-in-waiting @httpsplanetmarsdotcom @hot15936 @noname2246 @fanboyluvr @ara-a-bird @fussel9913 @iwaslikeblah @hai-kbai @rosymccheese @itszzmoon

everything taglist:

@monsterwasstolen @fanboyluvr @artologia-blog1 @tulipatheticee @elvyshiarieko @fluffisalliwant @fluffi19 @jeizllz @myheartfollower @fy-fy-world @minkyungseokie @ivy-plays @blueberryfailureclinic

[beanghostprincess]

Omg you like SatoSugu and Soukoku too? I’ve GOTTA hear your thoughts on them

If I start talking about my relationship with these two ships I might actually end up sobbing while I write this- But basically, both Soukoku and Satosugu are really important to me because the whole dynamic of "best friends to enemies who still have feelings for each other" reminds me of something that happened to me with my former best friend. Which is, uh, not pleasant to talk about but we had a very nasty break up and I think it's a very common experience. Somebody said something once (in my post about Shuggy making more sense if they were girls) about these ships always resembling friendships between sapphics that don't know they're sapphics yet, which changed my whole view on these three ships completely because oh lord, that person was so damn right. Because it's the possessiveness of it all, you know? Like- Being close to your best friend, so much it hurts to see them with other people and so much it's frightening to think about a world without them. You have so many feelings about this person that you can't quite place and you can't put a name to, but it's more than a friendship and it's not romantic love either. And it makes more sense being a closeted sapphic because you don't accept it might probably be love until the friendship ends in a very nasty and toxic way and then you keep resenting that person forever.

I am kind of traumadumping here, lmfao, but basically I really like these three ships because they treat this dynamic in very different ways and I am a sucker for them. The angst is immaculate and I'll never get tired of them.

I like Soukoku for a lot of reasons, BSD being my favorite manga of all time and everything. Dazai meets Chuuya when he doesn't have any reason to live but keeps working for the mafia nevertheless because Chuuya is interesting enough to keep being alive. Because perhaps that's what Dazai has been looking for. And Chuuya, well- He has mixed feelings for Dazai but his loyalty is unmatched and that's both his best and worst trait (we see that constantly, poor boy). Dazai is still, after everything, his partner. They need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They're basically canonically soulmates, at this point, and you don't even need to ship them to acknowledge it because it's just that obvious. Chuuya is the only one able to keep Dazai wanting to live and Dazai is quite literally the only one with the ability to stop Chuuya from losing control. They really are made for each other. It makes me go completely insane. The whole thing about Chuuya not being a human but being the most human and empathetic person of the mafia, and Dazai saying he isn't worthy of being called human but being physically one? That's just insane. And I could talk for hours about them and write a deeper analysis of their relationship, but I'd never finish this post, then.

Then, Satosugu. They make me equally insane. They were best friends. They were so damn close. And Gojo loved him so much that he couldn't stop Geto when he turned his back on him and walked away to become what he is now. It's just so heartbreaking, losing someone like that and all of a sudden. We see Geto losing himself over the years and falling into desperation and emptiness and Gojo not noticing until it's just too late to do anything. That's Gojo's weak spot. He's the most powerful sorcerer and dude can't fight his ex best friend because "there's no curse more twisted than love". That fucked me up completely, honestly. Gojo is such a complex character, growing up so quickly and with so many expectations, not being able to enjoy his teenage years either because they stole them from him like this. And Geto ending up all alone too, turning into just a vessel of vengeance. Like- Shit is too deep to explain it in just a tumblr post, but they make me go insane.

And Shuggy is basically the same thing but at least these two have the chance to make up and reunite at some point. Shuggy is the one that feels more realistic to me, honestly, because it genuinely feels only like a normal falling out between best friends (that definitely were something more) rather than this complicated poetic mix of metaphors and poems. These two were just kids when all of this happened, too, it makes me so ill. But I have a whole post talking about Shuggy too, so I don't think I need to explain why I like them.

TL;DR: These ships are definitely for the sapphics who had THAT best friend and had very strong feelings toward them but didn't know why, and years after a very nasty break up that still haunts them to this day they realized it was a bit more than just a friendship.

[dufferpuffer]

I may get judged for this but

Sirius/Severus/Remus is my guilty pleasure, but only when Sirius and Remus are the ones pining hopelessly after Severus since their school days and being assholes about it because 1) they're teenagers from toxic households and/or traumatic upbringing in the 70s and can't handle their homosexual thoughts, 2) they're adults even more traumatized than before and, while they can handle their homosexual thoughts now, they're very much still assholes about it because it makes them feel better about it

And 3) Severus is oblivious to all of it because his brain can't conceive the mere possibility of those two feeling anything but disdain for him (+he also hates them and would rather jump off the astronomy tower than consider them in a romantic light)

That's the only dynamic in Sirius/Severus/Remus fics that I find acceptable. A bit messy, I know

(Bonus: This creates a tense shift in Sirius and Remus' friendship because, despite what their fans and numerous headcanons provide, I don't think they'll be willing to share their love interest. That would only happen if their rival in question was James)

Hello :^) long time since you asked, I suck If I had a nickle for every time someone said Sirius/Severus/Remus was some sort of 'guilty pleasure' I would have two nickles. Why is this guilty...? Sounds normal to me I talked a little about my thoughts on this ship Here - just one concept of how I think it would go. I'm just gonna ramble more B)

Big agree on Severus not being able to comprehend it. He would think they are trying to mess with him again. Bully him. Take the powerful, intimidating aura he has carefully constructed for himself and make him slip and fall on his face. "rather jump off the astronomy tower than consider them in a romantic light" lol

Remus' flirts are so vague. Some hopeful little comment paired with a nervous gaze from his big wet eyes... Severus is cautiously confused, the intent flying over his head. He snaps back an insulting quip. Remus sighs, frustrated that he can't get his feelings across.

Sirius is far more straight forward: the type to lean against a door-frame, using his height to his advantage, and say something that can't be mistaken for anything but a flirt. Severus treats it like a threat. Like he is about to be dangled upside down again, his pants ripped off. Sirius doesn't realize how smirking and saying 'That doesn't sound so bad~' isn't appealing.

I personally struggle to imagine situations where Remus and Sirius don't have friction, even just as friends. That's the part of their relationship that interests me most: How their friendship has eroded. I do think both being after the same person would erode it more.

Remus has a jealous streak. He thinks Tonks has a crush on Sirius...? He snaps. "UGH... he ALWAYS gets the girls..." Even though he doesn't have the balls to pursue her himself.

Knowing Sirius was after the same man... I mean, its Sirius. He can't win against Sirius in terms of charisma or beauty or... anything!!! I think Remus would curl up into a ball and 'give up'... while also crawling back to try again and again. Every time he does, it reeks of tentative desperation - wanting to appear friendly and meek to Severus, 'I know I scared you when we were kids but I'm not a threat! I will roll on my back for you, please please look at me.'

Sirius, knowing Remus is after the same man... Frustrating. "Look, Mate - let me have this! You had 12 years to make a move...!" Sirius is an emotionally wise and reasonable guy. I actually think as long as he feels secure he would be pretty good at handling jealousy. But he doesn't feel secure: He can't pin Severus down. He can't catch him. The greasy bastard is too slippery. Remus has all the freedom to go and chase him down outside of the house - Sirius has to wait for every time Severus comes to visit, like a goldfish waiting for his flakes.

Desperation of a different kind: He will proactively change tactics like Australian weather - one day soft and sappy, on his knees apologizing, making a show of it... The next day hot and bright, charming smiles, pinning against the wall. Bushfire to flood. He doesn't know what to do because he doesn't really understand Severus, not unless they sit down and have a man-to-man chat. But Sirius is too desperate. He is lonely. It hurts. He isn't very patient.

But... what happens when Severus works out that either of them, maybe both, are... actually sincere? They would have to bare their souls for him. Completely. Severus is a dominating man in general, at least at first - but especially for his bullies. They would need to be on their knees.

Since Severus isn't too fond of them, that opens the door to alot of dom/sub stuff. Severus enjoying grinding his heel in their face... figuratively, and perhaps literally. He thought they were trying to humiliate him, oh ho... no. He is going to humiliate them.

Personally I'm more into sweetness than rough stuff. I don't know if Severus has it in him to say "...I forgive you." - but maybe that is something he could relish, too. Probably easier to say to Remus than Sirius. He can at least recognize that Remus didn't mean to be horrifying - and he can see how he struggles with it.

Hm.... anyway uuuhhhhh two men worshiping smug Severus' cock

[shifuto]

alright so this is probably one of the things I disliked THE MOST about this show.. because Aki was such an interesting character thanks to all these conflicts and, quite literally, power ^^;

now it's not to say that she isn't interesting now but I think they could've done redemption on her much differently.. how come the others got power throughout the series, and she loses hers? How is that fair? Even more when her powers were something so rare, how do you even lose those, what the fuck man....

to me, they "downgraded" her and gave Sherry a lot of the same conflicts - but kept Sherry that way until her arc arc has finished, instead of doing what they did to Aki - and Aki, currently, is merely a shadow of the past having nowhere as near as much power, or confidence, or anything really ^^; but like.. yeah I get it, I get it.. everything she has done was kind of as a way to cope and as a defense, too, and after being "saved" by Yusei and the others, she has to start anew, to build that power and confidence and everything back up, and not relying on her psychic powers anymore etc etc..

what ended up happening - and this is the cure of girls in Yugioh, really - is that she becomes the helpless female character who is the love interest of the main character, and starts acting as such..... like I'm not shitting you, it's annoying at times.. where is the Aki we met at the start, the one that beat Yusei's ass? Where is that sadistic and evil Aki? Well, she's not evil anymore, now she is just some girl in a shonen series and will be treated as such (: and it's going to fucking suck ass (: (: I wanna scream man 🤣 get me out of here I hate this 🤣🤣

so.. how would I redeem Aki?

I would not change her into someone else! I would take all those "evil" things she did out of ignorance or as a way to survive and they would become important weapons to her. Everything under her control. I'm trying to think of another character that would fit here and Sherry and Jack both come to my mind! Sherry was "evil" in that she was seeking revenge desperately, but it didn't come from an uninformed or misguided place (much how it went for Aki); Jack can be very sadistic, even though it might not be so obvious but that whole grandiose demeanor of him, and the whole crushing the opponent through sheer brute force should tell you something. Neither him nor Sherry had to change extremely much in their own "redemption" arcs, while for Aki I feel like she is another person entirely..

now, it could be a deeper issue though.. maybe this is what Aki really looks like, and what we got when we met her was all a facade - or worse: something Divine sowed into her - or it could be also a product of trauma, etc.. well the fact is that she has had these powers ever since she was a kid and I don't think Aki as a kid was full of that "darkness" in her own heart, she was a kid, it was something else and this "darkness" made the powers grow. Alright

I like to think that she would eventually make peace with all these parts of herself and, eventually, move forward looking confident and powerful (with or without the psychic powers) but uhh, sure.. she's a teenager, she has a lot to process, and a lot to grow and heal too. Lastly, she ends up becoming a doctor. Very probable that comes from a place of repentance about past deeds, and it's fair.

I probably have to do my own process of grieving over what her character could've become and cry about the yugioh curse on female characters 🤣

[finniestoncrane]

Random ask to cheer you up as per requested of course UvU

What is one thing that happened to you that just just cannot explain? Weird event that looking back you just sit and go "yeah man that's paranormal/supernatural"?

ok ok ok omg ok it's happening and i swear if this doesn't trigger an influx of you all telling me your most creepy stories then i will RIOT because i love people telling me their spooky things ;-; anyway i'm about to rant so i'll make a read more THIS IS A WONDERFUL DISTRACTION and has cheered me up no end thank you friendo ily ;-; 💚

ok so i don't know how strong a believer i am like sometimes i'll be like "ghosts are real" and other times i'll be like "hmmmm...maybe not though" but my whole family experience a shit tonne of spooky things which i will happily rant to you about because there's are better than mine BUT THIS IS ABOUT ME >:)

so first off when i was younger like teenager i used to stick my guitar under my bedroom door because my family DID NOT KNOCK and i had these like paranoid worries about stuff, so at night especially i would put it under there like a lock so no one could get in while i was asleep and one morning i woke up and couldn't move and panicked before i realised that i had been tucked in completely, like arms under the duvet, sheets tucked tight all around me so that was weird :)

also for context until i was like 2 (?) me and my mum (and my dad god) lived with my gran (mum's mum) and while my dad was (scene missing, god only knows what he was doing my gran hated him so i can understand why he might not want to stay in that house but he was probably out with friends instead of helping look after me) gone, my mum had me in her old bedroom with her where we were sleeping. so i think my great gran had just died and she had given me this bear not long before she had passed for my birthday or something i don't know dates escape me. anyway my mum woke up in the middle of the night to me speaking just havering away to myself and the conversation went something like this

me: uh huh *long pause while i listen intently to someone speaking that my mum couldn't hear who wasn't in the room* me: uh huh *pause* me: yeah i got it *i got pick up my bear and display it to the empty room* me: yes my mum: *rolls over, hides her head under the covers, stifles a scream and just pretends she didn't hear me speaking to a ghost and tries to ignore it*

AND FINALLY

because we were roving children who's mother relied heavily on the kindness (desperation to have us because we were cute) family members for free childcare, i spent a lot of weekends at various other houses, mostly my dad's parents house, my other gran and papa, and the room me and my sister slept in when we were there always gave me weird vibes, their whole house did. but in that room there was this particular corner i couldn't go near i don't know why, logically it's because it was the least visited corner because it was just a tv there and then a sliding door to a scary dark cupboard BUT it still gave me the heebie jeebies and i only recently like last few years told my sister that because i didn't want her to be scared and so she told me that the house and that room always gave her weird vibes too, and she would hurry past the wall mounted mirror that faced that corner because she was convinced that she would catch a glimpse of someone standing in it in the reflection so like ?? we both did not vibe with that space

[baldinar]

Kyle Deserved Better (An Unhinged Essay I Just Spent All Day On)

I have too many thoughts about Kyle and neither the heart nor energy to put them into a fic/art, so I'm just going to grumble a little bit about his missed potential for a bit under the cut here lmao.

God help us.

GCDC's plot robbed that boy.

Spoilers for, like, all of GCDC under the cut. I'm also going to talk about how Kyle has plural swag and both him and his sister desperately need some fucking therapy.

This is REALLY long, and I am only kind of sorry.

Images mostly to help break the text up for ease of reading. They are all sourced from the wiki (or in a single case, fabi_nim on Twitter because the wiki doesn't have W12 cutscenes yet lol).

Specifically, I've spent all day at work just thinking about the setup and payoff of the Dark Kyle plotline.

Pretty early on, the seed that there is some weird shit going on with Kyle is sown. Grandiel is always cagey about Kyle's well being, in large part because he's afraid of being trapped by fate (something that is reinforced and repeated throughout the narrative of his written thoughts).

When Kyle finally gets "healed" in Forest of Life (GCDC), Grandiel even mentions Baldinar by name, drawing their relationship closer as the reveal draws nearer in World 3 about the nature of the two kids. This reveal is, of course, that both Kyle and Cindy have Baldinar's prana (aka: parts of his soul). They were both part of the machinations he underwent trying to revive the person he loved.

The narrative doesn't explicitly say why the facilities created the siblings, but while I was at work today, it kind of struck me that it's possible they were intentionally made to look the way they did, not because they were intended to be proxies of Baldinar and the Town Girl, but possibly because they were intended to be the children Baldinar and her would have had. Essentially, they are the personified grief for a life that was lost to tragedy.

With the information we get during the Underworld arc, I was thinking about how Cindy never got stricken by memories from Baldinar, while Kyle seems to have inherited them all (so much so that looking at his sister reminds him of Baldinar's dead lover). Kyle takes after Baldinar's personality more explicitly than Cindy, being prideful and headstrong, and, as Baldinar himself states in the epilogue for the World 3 raid: "You were a part of me, but became so different... Even when you are in pain, you never say it. You just joke your way out of it."

(As an aside, it's worth noting that Cindy's growing obsession with her concern for Kyle following his descent and kidnapping may be intended to parallel Baldinar's own fervor for reviving his dead lover. In Baldinar's case, he was willing to destroy anything to bring her back. In Cindy's case, she's willing to destroy herself to bring Kyle back. Both are self-destructive, inevitably, because of how much they love someone else more than they can reason. This is also noticeable in her prologue story for her SR healer unit: notice how she is surrounded by books in a dark, ominous lighting, a lot like Baldinar was in the arc leading up to his villainization.)

I think it would even be fair to call Kyle a personification of Baldinar's trauma, or a desire for simpler times. He inherited Baldinar's trauma, after all, when the Tower of Memories released its light. It's a large part of what allowed Heitaros to take hold of him and send him spiraling into the darkness. It's also worth noting that all this is on top of Kyle being both a teenager (though, also note that both Kyle and Cindy age very fast due to being homonculi, so his actual age is very young) and having lived his own personal traumas through nearly dying multiple times, alongside the rest of the plot.

(Again, obviously Cindy goes through all of this as well, but Cindy at least gets some of her trauma response highlighted by the narrative beyond "manipulated plot device screaming in agony a few times while the plot laser keeps them from being a character." Cindy spends the whole adventure also seeing Kyle nearly die because of how reckless he is.)

We see Kyle get tricked in the lead-up to his kidnapping, and during that, Kyle keeps hearing the voice of Baldinar and his memories; his faint recollection or hearing of Baldinar's voice is a constant throughout the story, though it's moreso implied than explicitly stated. Consider how he heard the voice of someone calling out to Baldinar in Act 11.1 (the first stage of Kounat), explicitly tying Kyle to Baldinar's memories. The line quoted here, if I had to make a guess, is potentially a reference to Grandiel's dialogue in Kounat's Collapse (a notoriously badly-translated dungeon from GCC): "Let's start over, Baldinar" (GCDC) vs "Let's go back to the way it was..." (GCC).

All this is to say, Kyle is connected to Baldinar's prana in a way that Cindy is not drawn out to be.

This difference in the siblings is most noticeable when Kyle receives the weight of Baldinar's memories, but it's also noticeable in the way Heitaros is able to communicate with Kyle. In Act 16.8, Kyle begins to hear someone calling out to him, which is implied to be Heitaros. He finds himself alone, only hearing the voice for a moment before being snapped back to the world around him. Eventually, this ends up with Kyle alone in the Tower of Memories, being confronted by who he thinks to be Baldinar. Heitaros, disguised as Baldinar, encourages Kyle to stop resisting the taint in his prana (his "instinct," as the English translation puts it), making it easier for Kyle to slip into darkness.

We don't see Kyle for a long time after this, but every time he shows up henceforth, he appears to be in a lot of pain-- enough so that he's difficult to keep hold of (passing from Heitaros's hands, to Jupiter's Angels, back to Nelia's). He's also in a constant vulnerable state, easily manipulated through his pain and fear of weakness, which we see through Amal'thea's manipulation of Kyle during the Terre Gate arc.

Actually, the Terre Gate arc and what little we do get developing Kyle during his pain is a large part of why it hit me today just how pissed I am about the missed potential of his story.

Throughout the Terre Gate arc, we see Kyle emoting more in his dark form than he's ever been allowed to thus far, which is how we can tell that he is not simply a mindless creature of violence in his state. Despite the fact he's getting passed around so much, he seems hyper-aware of the mistakes he's made that caused him to unleash his trauma in such a way. Amal'thea takes full advantage of this with her suggestion for Kyle, who seems to blame himself for Heitaros's own plans; where Kyle wants to flee when finally freed of the restraints that have kept him in check, and is content enough to run for the rest of his life, Amal'thea instead tells him to face Heitaros.

This is, of course, what leads to Kyle getting his body possessed by Heitaros.

Kyle puts up a fight, which perhaps has some influence on Heitaros's decision not to immediately kill the Grand Chase. It's a little hard to tell, especially in the translation, but it is interesting to note how quick Heitaros is to turn from determining to kill everyone right where his resurrection is complete to allowing them to witness the birth of a new world.

There's a lot of weird shit that goes on in this last chapter, but inevitably it ends up that Sieghart is able to run into both Heitaros and Kyle (Myst also shows up because of course he does) in what is supposed to be the Astral Plane or some shit like that, but considering how many times Heitaros has dragged Kyle into private conversations, it's really reminiscent of the billion other times that's happened. Kyle notes that Sieghart "can't escape" that place, implying that people inside of it are inextricably linked through the place. It's only when Kyle makes the sacrifice of his own soul, breaking the link he has with Heitaros, that the space fizzles out and frees both him and Sieghart.

And then the next time we see Kyle, aside from a shot of his near-dead corpse a few times (with him falling onto Cindy and lamenting that she gave up everything to revive him), is...

When he's months into recovery. In the epilogue for the world.

BITES KOG BITES KOG BITES KOG

Ugh, anyways.

Kyle has plural swag in large part because of the burden of Baldinar's soul on him, but also because that whole weird ass sequence with Heitaros and the astral plane, idk? It gives me plural vibes, the idea that they're inseparable so long as they're alive, especially thanks to Cindy's mending. Considering the way Heitaros speaks about Baldinar when occupying his body, it seems to me it's also possible that at some point there was a Baldinar soul construct he "digested;" look at Grandiel's likeability, where Baldinar is taken from the Wizard's Labyrinth with the confidence he goes towards Heitaros, then how Heitaros talks about Baldinar's soul in Tower of Memories. This idea of the succession of memories and the burden they put on you, whether you remember them or not, is such a distinctly plural storyline to us as a plural trauma survivor.

And KOG just like, dropped the ball like a hot coal once Kyle went dark. Kyle deserved so much better, damn it. He got put in the Freezer of Evil while half the plot resolved itself.

Some other loose notes, mostly about Kyle vs. Decanee and why it pisses us off so much Kyle wasn't allowed to be around for plot reasons during her arc:

It always struck me that Kyle and Decanee were meant to be foils to one another, if not simply parallels.

This is mostly because both of them are homunculi of some sorts; Kyle of Baldinar, Decanee of Kaze'aze. Both also struggle with their identity due to the acquisition of memories that aren't their own.

The biggest difference is that Decanee was created with and had the expectation of her performance of "Kaze'aze" imposed on her, while Kyle only really got that expectation laid on him after he had already begun to develop as a person.

More specifically, Kyle notes his hesitance to repeat Baldinar's mistakes after discovering the history of his soul. He fears repeating evil, and becoming another part of the cycle of violence that operates on all people in the dimensions.

Meanwhile, Decanee has no qualms with acting like Kaze'aze or Karina, but expresses explicit discomfort with being actually seen as either of them, highlighting the performance of self as it relates to constructs such as herself (and thus, by extension, Kyle and Cindy).

In that sense, both Kyle and Decanee are characters deeply interrogating the nature of the world of Grand Chase, and the cycles of violence that are perpetuated by its many structures of fate, ambition, and vengeance.

-H

[jake-whatthefisgoingon-kiszka]

Summer Crush

Hydrangeas

Part 5

Summary: Sam had been caught in the middle of a friendship triangle for years. The problem was it wasn’t a competition for you. No you actually had a secret crush on his other best friend, Danny. When the boys come home for the summer Sam gives you one word of advice, distance yourself from Danny.

Pairings: Danny Wagner x fem reader x Sam Kiszka *slash pairing

Warnings: 18+, NO minors!, sexual content, slash pairings, friends to lovers, kind of enemies to lovers, love triangles, drinking, other recreational drug use, talk of jealousy, potential threesomes, not going too into detail yet don’t want to spoil it but do be warned 🫣, if the part number is in italics then there’s spice

Word count: 6.9k hehe I did not do that on purpose

“Fuck off, Sam” your voice was a serious tone of caution with the hint of an exhausted groan.

“Don’t be mad at me for the rest of the night, I told her I’m off limits for the next 24 hours” Sam sighed, although his sound was still smug and slightly annoyed which only pissed you off even more.

You started to ignore him now, sitting on the concrete bench outside the venue and crossing your arms. You squeezed your hands against your bare upper arms in an attempt to ignore the sting of the cold outside air.

“Look, she came onto me”. Sam for whatever reason continued to talk thinking he was doing himself a favor but instead just making himself look more like an ass. “I’m not even that into her anyways”.

“Then what the hell are you doing Sam?! Trying to make an absolute joke out of me?” Your voice came out this time a little louder than you had anticipated, exploding out of your mouth in frustration and hurt.

He looked over at you puzzled and you rolled your eyes at his complete lack of understanding for how his behavior tonight reflected badly on you. Sure just about everyone here knew you and Sam were only friends, but that didn’t mean he had the go ahead to make out with whoever he wanted. He was here as your date but he wasn’t acting like it whatsoever.

It had been Josh’s idea for you to invite Sam to prom. After all, when it was Sam’s senior year he would probably be too busy to attend his own prom, so you all figured going together this time around would be more fun anyways. Fun it was, until you went searching for the restroom and found Sam leaned over with a random girl pressed against the wall, shamelessly making out.

Anyone who wandered down the right hallway could have seen them, and by the looks on their faces they didn’t seem surprised that they’d been caught, but that it was you who did the finding.

You were starting to realize that although Sam was supposed to be accompanying you to this stupid dance as your best friend, he was just another horny teenage guy looking to get an easy hookup with a desperate girl.

You sighed and closed your eyes, trying to let the cold breeze cool you down both figuratively as it was physically. Once that started to work you back tracked your thoughts. It wasn’t fair of you to call that girl desperate, even if it was only to yourself, but you still felt bad. On the other hand, you were still pretty upset with the way Sam was handling it like you were over reacting. Still, you didn’t want to let it ruin the rest of your prom.

“Apologize, like you mean it, and we will go back inside”.

Sam scoffed at first, he felt like you were treating him like a child, but eventually he gave in and took a seat next to you on the bench.

“What’s the big deal anyways, it’s not like we’re together” he kicked a pebble that was on the ground in front of him as he was avoiding your glare by staring down.

“That’s not the point, you don’t go around making out with others while you’re supposed to be with someone else regardless of whether you’re together or not. It’s just common courtesy” you stated the simple truth but he still felt like it was just a scolding which wasn’t helping him see his fault in the matter any clearer.

“You ever stop to realize that by me inviting you here meant I didn’t get to come with anyone else? Maybe I wanted to go to my prom with an actual date” your hands were still crossed tightly over your chest, but if they hadn’t already been then you surely would have crossed them now.

Finally this conversation was starting to get his true interest, although maybe for the wrong reasons. He turned towards you trying to hold back a mischievous smirk. “Who would you rather be here with then?”

You shrugged your shoulders, you weren’t exactly trying to insinuate that you wanted someone else. It was just another point you were making. Although once the idea was in your head you couldn’t help but think of the only other person you could see yourself with here, Danny.

There was no telling how Sam would react to that picture though, his two best friends going to prom together while he stayed at home. Yeah, he didn’t seem like the type to be thrilled about being left out like that, which was why you were here with him instead.

“Would you just apologize already so we can go, it’s really cold out here” you ignored answering his question and reminded him he still had to make this up to you.

“You’re the one who took off out here in the first place” again he was trying to reflect the blame, but soon enough his posture softened and he wrapped his arm around your shoulders pulling you close to him in an effort to help warm you up just a little. “I’m sorry”.

You let your breath fall from your lips like you hadn’t realized you’d been holding it in for a while now. Looking up over at him you nodded in acceptance and you both stood. He kept you under his arm as you both walked back into the building together to rejoin the party. “I’m also sorry that my good looks are just too irresistible to most these women in here” he popped out right before you made it back into the ballroom where the dancing was still going strong.

You shoved him off of you and made your way through the maze of covered tables over to the one you shared with his brothers and their dates. First you downed what was left of your drink before trying to find where they were on the floor ready to dance out the rest of your frustrations.

Although you met up with some friends and started bouncing to the beat of the popular pop songs they played you couldn’t help but search the crowd for the brothers.

Josh was easy to find. He enjoyed dancing and parties so he was having a great time, probably hadn’t even noticed that either you or Sam had disappeared for so long. Jake was harder to spot, he was standing towards the edge of the dance floor near the drink table. Although this wasn’t exactly his scene, he was enjoying watching his older brother make a fool of himself without it being at his own expense.

At this point, you couldn’t care much what Sam was doing anymore, but your eyes still fell on him standing by your table giving a sly smile to the same girl from earlier.

Just when you thought your tightly braided and pinned up hair was about to come flying off the top of your head in an explosion of pressure, you stormed off the floor in his direction. Before you could interrupt them though, you watched as the girl shrugged her shoulders and Sam leaned over to give her a small hug only to turn away from her and catch your piercing stare.

“Someone’s still a little angry” Sam was bold to test your attitude but quickly followed it up with an explanation. “She came to me asking if I wanted to ditch the rest of the party. I told her although I would have loved to on any other occasion, tonight I had someone really important to me counting on me to be there for them”.

“Sam if you want to go just go” you sighed, already tired of trying to chaperone him instead of just enjoying yourself.

“No I’m serious” he grabbed your hand before you could walk away and held it there at waist height for a minute slowly rubbing his thumb across your knuckles, something he had done a thousand times in the past to help calm you down. “I didn’t realize tonight meant so much to you. Let me try to make it up to you?”

You tucked your chin down against your collar, trying to figure out what had gotten into you all of a sudden as you felt your cheeks flush. Tonight was never meant to be a big deal to you; it was just another highschool right of passage, a tradition and you weren’t usually the one to care much for participating in things for traditions sake. Once the night came though, you got all dressed up and it hit you that this evening might be one of the last important nights you got to spend with the three of them. Even with that sentimental realization it wasn’t explaining why you were so mad at Sam for ditching you earlier. You chalked it up to your hesitancy to let him go when the end of the summer would eventually put more distance between the two of you than ever before. Yeah it had to be that, because you couldn’t let yourself believe you were getting caught up in the fantasy of prom night as you let your best friend guide you back onto the dance floor.

“Hey, are you awake?” Sam questioned while you blinked your eyes open and closed. You were curled up against the door in the backseat and he had the opposite open, leaning over across the seats as he gently shook your shoulder to wake you. When he determined you were conscious enough to understand what he was telling you he revealed the reason for the interruption of your dream. “We are on grocery pick up duty, this is the closest market to the lake house. You might want to come pick out your own snacks”.

You sat up slowly and glanced through the window you were just soundly asleep on and saw the small nearly empty parking lot you were now parked in. A small but sufficient grocery store clad in log cabin style siding was just across the lot and you could just barely catch a glimpse of Danny’s figure walking through its front doors.

“Yea ok I’ll catch up” you replied stretching out your tight body and Sam backed out of the tight space, running to meet Danny inside before he got too far.

You grabbed your cross body bag and opened the passenger side door to lock the car before making your way inside as well, although you decided to go off on your own rather than listen to the boys argue and debate over what to get for everyone. Surely the twins had to have realized putting these two in charge of selecting the food for the week meant someone would be making a store run later on to get stuff for actual meals before you all starved. Still you were interested to see what they would get as you wandered through the aisles picking out a few of your favorites before you found yourself farther away from the food and into the rows of products double checking you hadn’t forgotten any necessities.

Just as you were about to finish up and try to find the boys you stopped in your tracks, biting at your thumb nail as your eyes fixated on the assortment of small boxes hanging in front of you.

You hadn’t expected to be browsing through the condom selection of some random small town market, but once they caught your eye you started to think having some just in case might be a good idea.

Before you could second guess yourself you reached up and grabbed a random box off the shelf and hurried down the aisle, checking all around you to make sure you were not going to get caught until after you had checked out.

You were pleased to see that although the store was quaint they still had a few options for self service. Quickly you scanned the box and threw it into your bag before accounting for the rest of your things and paying the total without a sign of either boy in sight. You breathed a sigh of relief, almost flabbergasted with yourself for not only attempting that but succeeding.

It took about another fifteen minutes before you spotted Sam and Danny rounding around the end of the aisle towards the check out with a cart full of what they had decided on. You helped them scan the items, chuckling at the variety but honestly surprised they seemed to have done quite a good job.

“Jake text me a list” Danny admitted to you and Sam shot him a faux hurt look like Danny had betrayed a secret they had which only made you giggle harder as you all carried the bags out to the car.

“Only about 35 minutes left before we get there” Sam announced as he started the car back up once everyone was situated back in their seats only this time Sam was driving instead of Danny since he was more familiar with the directions.

Although the first half of the drive was rather quiet with Danny playing soft music over the speakers, tapping his fingers with the beat against the steering wheel while you and Sam did little to keep him company. Now you were all snacked up and energetic for the last stretch. The anticipation that the excitement of the week held permeated the atmosphere of the car as the three of you sang along loudly to Sam’s choice of songs.

Although Sam’s eyes were mostly fixed on the road, Danny was able to look back at you, flashing you a toothy grin which made your heart ache. “Are you sure you’re ready to share a house with us for a whole week? Not going to get sick of them by Tuesday?”

You narrowed your eyes, fighting your lips turning up into a smile at the corners, at the way he said ‘sick of them’ like he wouldn’t be included in the feeling. “You forget I’ve actually been before”.

You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into, but nothing you could consider happening was more nerve wracking than the talk you eventually were going to have to have with Sam.

Days before agreeing to all go on the trip together you had told Danny that you didn’t want to keep your relationship a secret from Sam anymore. You had even been as honest as to admit to him you didn’t really consider each of you dating until you made it official by telling the others. Josh and Jake you both knew wouldn’t be a problem, but the words Sam had told you that night at the party when everyone got back to town rang through your ears as a constant anxiety that he might not accept it, his best friends being together in a way that he wasn’t included. Or at least you figured that was why Sam would be so against it.

The time passed by quickly while you and Sam shared old memories of a childhood summer when you came to the lake house to Danny who looked more than pleased to be hearing about a very young you holding your ground against the Kiszka bunch who were even more rambunctious as kids.

Before you knew it Sam was turning into the driveway and your memories turned into a strong form of nostalgia as you saw the house for the first time in so many years.

Josh’s car was already parked, he and Jake had driven up the day before to make sure everything would be ready when the rest of you got here.

Sam took off inside, you and Danny shaking your heads and sharing a look before you both stayed behind to gather up the groceries to bring in. Jake met you halfway and took over for you so you could go back and collect your bags to bring inside as well.

As soon as you entered through the front door Sam and Josh were chasing each other through the living room, Sam nearly knocking into Danny who was trying to bring his half of the groceries into the kitchen just further on.

“What are they fighting about already?” You asked Jake who was avidly ignoring them as he put the items from the bags away.

“Sam is mad because Josh said he slept in his room last night” Jake replied to you while still ignoring his brothers arguing.

“He says he slept in my bed naked last night!” Sam hollered from the living room in clear disgust before attempting to launch forward at Josh again who nimbly avoided his grab once more.

“What can I say? The sheets came out of the dryer so warm!” he teased with a smirk. No one really believed him, probably not even Sam, but him even pretending it happened was egging Sam on.

You shook your head and turned back to Jake, “How are the sleeping arrangements being made?”

“Josh and I are sharing my parents' bedroom down here. Sam’s taking his usual room, and you and Danny can decide who wants our rooms upstairs” Danny had left back outside to get his and Sam’s things, but he returned just in time to hear the last bit of what Jake was telling you.

“Upstairs?” Danny clarified and started up the stairway by the door to put their belongings up in the rooms.

Sam shot Josh one last warning look before giving in and following Danny up to show him where all the rooms were located.

“Here, let me help you with that” Josh walked over to you and offered to carry your larger bag up the stairs. “You can take my room” he went up first, meeting Sam and Danny at the top, hesitating for a moment when Sam debated trying to catch him once more.

“Can you guys please drop it?” You called up at them, trying to finish making your way up the steps before another running match broke out. They were definitely trying to show off since everyone was all here now.

“Excuse me, I’m trying to show the lady to her room” Josh eased past them to go to the door at the end of the hallway on the left.

Sam’s room was the only bedroom on the right of the hallway, you vaguely remembered it from the last time you were here, but you had never been in Jake or Josh’s rooms which were just across the hallway.

Once inside you noticed it was a little smaller than you remembered Sam’s bedroom being, either that or growing older had just put the proportions into perspective.

Josh set your bag down as you walked around, taking the small details in. There wasn’t much in the house outside of the usual vacation home decorations, but something about it still felt like Josh. That would definitely take some getting used to.

“Don’t worry, your sheets are clean” Josh smiled but nervously wiped his palm on the back of his neck.

“Thanks, for inviting me and letting me stay in here” you offered him back a smile although it didn’t do much to help ease the awkwardness of the situation.

“Of course, we’re glad you came. Sam is across the hall,” he took a few steps to the side and opened the door to show you a small empty closet with one clothing rod and a couple of built-in shelves. “Bathroom is through that door” he pointed over to another door across the room.

You chose to walk over this time, opening the door to check there was indeed a bathroom on the other end like he’d said. Inside was a long narrow bathroom with a double sink and another door at the other end. You raised an eyebrow and looked over at him in question.

“Oh, right, it’s a shared bathroom with Jake’s room, well Danny’s for the time being. I’ll show him where the bathroom is downstairs so you can have this one for yourself”. He walked past you and opened the door to the joint room to which you found a surprised Danny on the other side.

“Hey” you smiled over at him from behind Josh.

“Hey” he replied, trying to concentrate on the boy in front of him before giving up and tearing his eyes off of him to look at you. Once you caught each other's eye he smiled back and Josh glanced between you two before brushing it off.

“I was just telling her I would show you the bathroom downstairs so she can have some privacy with this one” Josh explained to him, hopefully not noticing the heavy air that was quickly settling in the room around you.

“Of course” Danny replied with a sideways smirk, although he seemed pretty pleased to find out the rooms the two of you were staying in were connected.

“Have any plans for the rest of the afternoon?” You asked Josh while you still had him up here.

“Not much for today, just want everyone to get settled” he shrugged his shoulders and offered to continue showing Danny around the rest of the house since he was the only one who had never been before.

You retreated back into your room and unpacked a few things before heading back downstairs to see if Jake needed help with anything.

The rest of the afternoon went by smoothly, each of you taking turns helping get dinner ready in the kitchen and setting up the dining table which sat right in front of large French doors that overlooked the backyard. Just a few yards and a bit downhill you could see the glistening waters of the lake shining in bright hues of yellow and orange with the setting sun.

After dinner the boys brought out some drinks and migrated through the sliding glass doors, starting a fire at the pit which was surrounded by lounge chairs. Each of you took a chair and nursed your drinks while the fire roared to life. There was some small talk, but mostly everyone just watched as the flames flicked wildly in the otherwise pitch black night of the countryside.

Although none of you had done anything particularly exerting compared to what was surely in store, you knew there was always something about road trips that tired people out.

That being said, Sam was the first to excuse himself, Jake following him back inside to retire for the night as well.

You gave it a while, you were pretty tired as well but thought you could manage staying out a little longer if Josh and Danny were going to.

It grew much quieter with just the three of you outside now, the sound of the fire fighting against the wind to stay alive crackling a constant form of white noise into the night.

“I have a treat for you guys” Josh finally spoke, his voice just barely above the sound of the fire. He hopped up from his spot and ran inside briefly before returning with a wide smile like he was up to no good.

“I’m a little worried” you chuckled nervously until Josh revealed a small joint expertly rolled in a tight brown wrapper.

“Hell yes” Danny smiled back to Josh and took the piece from him to inspect it. Josh encouraged him to light it up then the two of them shared a couple of puffs until you cleared your throat.

Danny looked over at you suprised, sure they had seen you drink from time to time, but never engage in any other forms of recreation. It was obvious they weren’t around your sophomore year of college.

You extended your hand and Danny gave you a turn. You tried to act cool and take an easy hit, but it had definitely been a long time since you had participated and the stuff Josh had was far better than anything you’d ever tried in college so you ended up coughing pretty hard and giving it back after just a couple of tries.

Josh still seemed to be impressed, a permanent smile plastered on his face as he was given another turn, his eyelids already starting to drop.

It was Danny’s turn again but the wind had picked up considerably, most likely due to the black clouds that were drawing closer and closer in the sky threatening to consume the last bit of moonlight that was keeping you out.

He fought back strands of long hair that were flying around his face and you called him over to sit in front of you while you worked his hair through your fingers, braiding it back so that it wasn’t blowing around anymore.

As he sat on the ground between your legs, either forgetting where he was for a moment or just too high to care anymore, he ran his fingers up the back of you leg before bringing his palm around the curve of your knee and caressing your thigh.

Your posture stiffened but you were almost done braiding his hair so you finished the last bit then allowed him back up.

“Thanks” he smiled over at you when he returned to his seat, his eyes lingering on your presence just a little too long before shifting his attention back to the fire.

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” Josh exclaimed. Despite his inebriated state he was darting back and forth between you and Danny, finally picking up on the not so stealthy interactions you were both doing a terrible job at hiding all day. “The two of you?!” He was putting the pieces together quickly and there seemed to be no denying it now.

“What?” Danny’s eyes were wide with shock as he fought in his foggy mind to quickly come up with an excuse.

You saved him the struggle though, letting Josh be the first one in on your secret. “Actually, yeah. We’re kind of together”. You reached over and Danny happily took your hand in his, giving it a squeeze for support. “But the others don’t know. We want to tell them when the time is right, especially Sam. Okay?”

Josh erupted in laughter, maybe this hadn’t been the ‘right’ time to tell him while you were all feeling funny and out of it, but it still felt like a partial weight off your chest. “Sam’s going to be pissed” Josh replied when the laughter died down, shaking his head and taking the last puff of the joint before setting it out on a rock next to him.

“Any advice?” Danny asked, thinking now that you at least had one Kiszka in your corner it would make converting all of them easier.

“Maybe just don’t wait too long?” He offered, standing up to indicate he was about ready to go inside now. “And do a little better at hiding it until you tell him otherwise he will eventually catch on. Sam can be dense sometimes but you’re probably the two most important people in the world to him that aren’t his blood”.

Despite having been overly happy just a moment ago, Josh’s words sank in hard. On one hand it was nice to hear someone else doting on your unique relationship, but further knowing how betrayed Sam would feel when you told him made you worry how this would eventually all turn out.

“I think I’m ready to go back inside” you turned towards Danny who shook his head and helped Josh put the fire out before you all returned to the house. Rain started to fall from the sky just as you made it back in, but still managed to catch the each of you with a couple of large drops.

“Well good night, and good luck” Josh whispered as he snuck into the room downstairs trying not to bother Jake inside.

Danny followed you up the stairs, grabbing your waist and pulling you into a quick kiss before you parted ways into your own rooms.

You took your time getting ready for bed, mostly because you could hardly feel your limbs anymore. The few takes at the joint outside combined with the couple of drinks you had were starting to affect you more than you anticipated.

After your nighttime routine and slipping into a little pajama shorts set you crawled on and sank into the bed. Normally the sound of thunder outside would keep you awake, but tonight it was actually calming you down as you closed your eyes and began to drift off.

The thunder also concealed the sound of a door opening in the room, you had no idea the bathroom door had creaked forward until you felt someone crawling from the end of the bed through the blankets towards you.

A pair of calloused hands slid their way up your legs easily finding the hem of your shorts and tugging them down. You sighed, opening your legs once they were free of the fabric and allowing the body to settle between them.

“Danny-” you mewled, knowing no one else in the house would be joining you in the bed like this. He pulled the covers slowly down, first off your chest then further down until he could peak his head out and see you.

“Shh” he sounded with a finger to his lips before he moved that finger and brought it to your center, rubbing it through your folds and teasing around all your sensitive spots.

“Mmm, Danny please” you whimpered, moving your hips trying to catch his touch against where you needed it.

“You will have to be quiet, don’t want to wake anyone up” he glanced over at the door to the hallway with a cocked eyebrow before returning to you and placing wet kisses between your thighs.

The storm outside was raging on, a flash of lightning illuminating the room only briefly but revealing the most salacious image of Danny going down on you followed by a loud crack of thunder.

“On second thought, you can be loud, we just have to time it right” he smiled up at you with a glint in his eyes at his new found entertainment.

“What do you mea-” you weren’t following his line of thought but was immediately silenced by the feeling of his tongue dragging up where his finger had just been tracing and settling over the tip of your most sensitive area.

“I’ll show you, keep quiet for now” he muttered in between licks, waiting for exactly the right moment.

Another strike of lightning and Danny’s head shot up, replacing his tongue with this thumb and rubbing fast circles, his lips and chin glistening with how wet you were in the flash. “Here it is, count with me”.

“What?” You were more confused than before but growing less and less concerned with trying to understand him and more interested in him using his mouth again.

Another crash of thunder. “Three seconds, I can work with that” he said more or less to himself then moved back down to continue with his tongue, placing two fingers at your entrance but holding them there steady.

Another strike of lightning then within three seconds Danny was pushing inside drawing another moan out of you as the thunder rumbled past.

You were starting to understand now what he meant by getting the timing right. He was using the lightning and the following thunder to provide the cover he needed to draw the sound out of you, driving you absolutely crazy for a few seconds then letting back up so you could catch your breath and wait for the next moment to come.

Another strike of lightning and you tried not to tense up for what you now knew was coming. He pressed his lips around your clit and sucked while changing the angle of his fingers inside, curling the long digits up right into your favorite spot.

“Mmm- no no no no!” Your hand flew to your mouth as your protests lasted just a bit longer than the rumble of the thunder this time.

Danny slowed down and pulled back, looking up at you again with concern. “What is it? Did I hurt you?”

“Ohmygodno” you expelled in one long breath. “It feels so good” you whined, throwing your head back in frustration.

“Then what’s the problem?” You could hear the smirk in his tone as he picked up the pace a little, just waiting for the next flash to queue him in on when he could really go for it again.

You grabbed his hand before it could happen, moving to try and sit up to face him. “In my bag, on the dresser” you pointed over to the dark corner of the room where you knew you had left your crossbody with the box you bought earlier today just inside.

It was his turn to be confused but he did as you asked and left you to find the bag, flipping it open and fishing around. “You brought condoms?” He chuckled, surprised but pleased nonetheless.

“Bought them actually, today at the store” you giggled back, sitting all the way up to pull your top over your head. “Now are you coming back over here or not?”

He set the bag back where he found it and fumbled with getting the brand new box open, bumping into the bed while he was distracted.

“Wait” you stopped him from getting back onto the bed giving him a demand to complete first, “shorts, off”.

He pulled one square out and removed his only piece of clothes like you’d asked, leaving them on the floor with the box. You waited patiently and watched as he expertly rolled the condom on and got back onto the bed. The only problem now was he laid down next to you instead of where you wanted him to be, back between your legs of course.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He sounded pained that he’d come this far just to hold himself back, but he had to make sure. “I know we’ve been doing things but I don’t mind keeping it like that for a while. At least until you know we’re officially dating”. You shoved his chest playfully knowing he was poking fun at you but still understanding his sentiment.

You took a moment to really think about what he was asking instead of choosing to stay wound up in the moment and making a rash decision. When you came inside after talking with Josh you’d decided you wanted to tell Sam tomorrow, but you were still unsure what the outcome of that conversation would be. You wanted this, especially now you wanted it bad. After tomorrow you didn’t know when the opportunity would present itself again, and if Sam was going to be pissed at you then you might as well make it worth your while.

Before giving him your answer you moved to swing a leg around his waist, placing either hand on both his shoulders to hold him in place to the bed and help keep your hips hovered above him. You moved one hand to cup his face making sure he was looking you in the eyes as you spilled out every emotion you’d been keeping secret all these years.

“Danny, no matter what happens this week I want you to know that you are such a good person. You’re so patient and caring, and sweet and kind and sexy. Fuck I want this, I’ve wanted it for so long. I want you, and I want you to want me, I need it, I-”

Danny cut you off by lunging forward and crashing your lips together. He grabbed at your hips, digging his fingertips into the flesh as he pulled you down flush against him. “I want you too” he assured you between passionate kisses.

You broke free but he continued his kisses down your neck and against your collar then even lower until he had one of your hardened nipples pulled between his lips sucking and nibbling on it. Lifting your hips again you leaned forward and whispered into his ear “good then fuck me already”.

With the warm up from earlier and the heat rising from your shared affections your core was aching to be filled again. He quickly helped grant your wishes by slipping a hand between your bodies and lining himself up before you slowly sank back down onto him sighing at the feeling of the good stretch until you were fully seated again. Taking your time, you placed a hand on his slightly sweaty chest to balance yourself as you rocked your hips forward and backwards.

Unfortunately the storm had already passed, only the lingering wind was blowing against the window as you both panted and muffled your moans.

You knew this position would work just fine for you, a tension was already growing in the pit of your stomach as you moved at a slow steady pace, but Danny was clenching his fists in the sheets, trying hard to let you keep control but wanting desperately to move himself.

“Can we switch?” You asked then tried to get up but Danny grabbed onto your waist and pulled himself forward until both of your chests were pressed together then rolled you over in one swift throw of your bodies.

You were surprised with the maneuver, giggling a little until your breath was caught as he hooked one of your legs around his arm and hitched it up to get a deeper angle.

“Right there!�� You cried out into the safe space between his neck and shoulder, pulling some of the skin there into your mouth to keep the rest of your noises muted as he continued thrusting into you.

“Are you close?” He asked as you slowly drove him crazy placing kisses and love bites all up and down the curve of his neck being ever so careful not to leave any lasting marks, at least not tonight. “Please tell me you’re close, I don't think I can last much longer”.

“I’m close, just don’t stop” you ran a hand down his side. It lifted with the curve of his ass and you drug your nails down his cheek causing him to grunt and groan into your ear before slipping your hand between your bodies and finding the space to rub your fingers in circles.

You hadn’t realized how close you actually were until your knees started to shake and your body was feeling warm and fuzzy. Sucking in a deep breath your mouth falling open in silent bliss as the tension finally popped. Danny’s movements started to falter as your clenched around him but he kept going fucking you through your orgasm all the way until you came down.

You pulled him into an open mouthed kiss, your mind filled with nothing but utter amazement and satisfaction.

Danny let your leg go and collapsed on top of you, catching his breath for a moment before pulling back up and slipping into the bathroom to clean up real quick. Once he was done he leaned in the doorway, and you smiled over at him as you laid there rubbing your hands up and down your torso because your body just felt so good right now.

“That was umm” he chuckled, trying to find what best to say.

“Amazing?” You tried to finish his sentence for him.

“Fucking amazing” he replied as he walked back over, retrieving his shorts and slipping them on before returning to your side.

He propped himself up with his head in his hand and his elbow on the pillow as he also started tracing his fingers up your navel and around the curve of your breasts. It was dark in the room so you didn’t feel too exposed, but you also felt good about him seeing you like this, laid here and absolutely wrecked by him.

“Danny, I don’t want you to go” you sighed, not wanting to ruin the moment but too anxious about having to say goodnight to him after being so close.

“I won’t, I’ll stay right here” he tried to assure you but you knew he couldn’t.

“I don’t want him to figure out by finding us like this”.

“I’ll leave before the sun comes up, don’t you worry” he rummaged around in the sheets and the blanket that had gotten kicked down to the end of the bed for your pieces of pajamas. He helped you redress before laying his arm out and pulling you into a side hug. “Just go to sleep now. We will take care of everything else tomorrow”.

You turned onto your side and tucked your arm up under your head, wrapping the other one around his chest and nuzzling your nose behind his ear. His hair was still pulled back into the braid from earlier, just a few stray strands that had come loose from the night's activities. It still smelled like the smoke from the fire, with a mixture of his shampoo lingering and a bit of sweat. You inhaled and closed your eyes, tomorrow would come sooner than you were prepared for, but for the rest of the night you were going to simply enjoy being in his embrace.

<<<Previous Chapter Next chapter>>>

@jessicafg03

[studywgabi]

My Story of Envy

In ninth grade, the worst possible life you could be living was to be steadily approaching your 15th birthday (mine was in January and hers was in March) and still never have been kissed. We would have preferred to be taken as prisoners of war and waterboarded. I'm 18 now. (No, that's the end of the paragraph.)

At the time, I thought of Rachel as this incredible, addictive echo chamber, the one and only person I had ever met who really understood me. Looking back, we had almost nothing in common. She was very, very religious, very smart, and had a completely opposite worldview and lifestyle to mine. We were friends because the way that we defined ourselves was so similar, because we hated all the same things about ourselves. Isn't it so great and disgusting that women can build an entire friendship on wishing our boobs were bigger?

This was during the 2020-2021 school year, when we were all desperate to escape our isolation. In any other time, I don't think we would've become friends.

I've always been obsessed with that idea of a ride-or-die, who you've seen through thick and thin, whose hair you hold back while she vomits Mike's Hard Lemonade at a frat party and whose dress you hold up while she pees at her wedding. And while Rachel and I were connecting very quickly, talking every day, learning everything about each other, confessing secrets like they were passing comments on the weather, we had only known each other for a year. I still can't understand why I thought I could will that kind of friendship into existence overnight.

I had felt her pulling away from me for a while, but I threw love at her like Coraline threw the Cat at her Other Mother's face. I thought if I ignored the feeling for long enough, it would give up and go home. I knew something had changed between us when I found out the boy we both had a desperate crush asked her out 3 weeks earlier.

He wasn't the love of my life, or anything. Mostly, I liked him to share something with her. Her type was cowboys (yes, really), so I guessed mine was, too. This boy looked at 21st-century Seattle and saw Gilded Age Louisiana. I mean, he unironically wore a huge cowboy hat and boots and a bolo tie to school everyday and called Rachel "ma'am." Something about a man in uniform, maybe?

I wasn't upset about losing him. I never had him, anyway. I was upset about losing her, because, for once in my life, I felt like I really belonged with someone, and I was under the impression she felt the same way. No rejection from any boy could ever hurt as much as a rejection from a friend.

Of course, there are so many going-on-15 girls who've never kissed anyone, but we didn't talk about it. I knew those girls existed, but I didn't know who they were. They weren't the loudest, most popular girls at my school, they weren't in my friend group, they weren't on Disney Channel or in Sara Shepard books. Rachel was the only girl I'd ever met who I thought was like me. We got along so well because we were both ugly.

Rachel wasn't ugly, though. She was definitely shy, and she had a growth spurt that the boys hadn't caught up to yet, but eventually they did, and that was it.

I'm not denying the importance of how self-esteem effects overall happiness and quality of life, especially in a teenage girl. What Rachel felt about herself was real and awful and painful, and I'm sorry that anyone has ever been made to feel that way. But in the end, she escaped. Not completely, of course. She is still going to have to live in a world that actively encourages self-loathing every second of every day for the rest of her life, but she can take comfort in the fact that what she feels about herself isn't actually true. She can know that it's no more than some see-through, half-hearted lie. She's someone who thinks she's ugly, and that's not easy, but she's not someone who has to go through life being ugly. She can think about other things besides her looks, because she's pretty. She can be absolutely certain that she will be loved. God, I want that more than anything. More than a sloppy kiss with someone who wears braces, even. I don't need to stop hating myself, but I want someone to disagree with me.

Rachel got to take off her metaphorical glasses, walk down the stairs in her new dress, and The Boy thought she was so beautiful, all he could say was, "wow." Meanwhile, I still have to be that 14-year-old girl four years later. And I still will be four years from now, and four years from then, and forever.

This was never meant to be who I was. I was never meant to leave middle school unkissed, I was supposed to be dating a ninth-grader in eight grade, and asked to senior prom as a freshman. I was supposed to throw sleepovers for all my friends and stay up all night gabbing (I hate that word) about our boyfriends.

And I just know that in 10 years, it's going to be 3:00 A.M. and I'll have work tomorrow but I'll have stayed up that late fighting against Prozac and trying to make myself come and eventually I'll give up, close AO3, and open up Facebook. I'll look her up and see that she went to Northwestern (ooh) and just got engaged to some guy who has his own business (makes jerking-off gesture) selling organic soy candles. Good for her, seriously. (Is jerking-off hyphenated?)

It wasn't that I didn't think she deserved to have that, or that I wanted to take it from her. I wanted her to have it, but I wanted it to be possible for me to have it, too. I wished I lived in a world where there was enough of it to go around. But if we did, she wouldn't even want it anymore. She wouldn't have felt so strongly about it, it wouldn't have even mattered to her. I guess it wouldn't have mattered to me, either. She is a wonderful person who deserves everything and more. I wish wasn't someone she feels lucky not to be.

I wish the best for Rachel. And I wish better than the worst for myself.

[starlight-time-machine]

Week in Review

10/15/2023 – 10/21/2023

Sunday

My friend and I were both hype for the House S4 finale so we hopped on it when we both woke up. I think this is my favourite season finale in House, since it was the only one I remembered other than the series finale. The reveal was definitely shocking when I first watched it, and Wilson flexing his emotional acting is fantastic. Then we jumped right into S5, and the Hilson break-up angst is fun.

Manga Sunday time: MamaYuyu was fine, I kind of expected Escaba’s villainous turn since they emphasized his openness so much, but maybe they’ll do a double heel turn back to him being a good guy. The story was starting to shake up into the tried and true “group of young people (two guys and a girl) fight monsters” structure so at least there’s some movement happening here. I’m pretty close to dropping the manga as a whole, though.

Undead Unluck was great, I love when they pull out these big moments. Seeing Fuuko jump into surgery is fun, and seeing Rip and Latla do a three legged race I mean fight is both funny and heartwarming…it’s a clear evolution of Rip’s arc from a doomed loner shouldering the burden to someone who has to depend on others. I think Undead Unluck’s storylines have always been like, a pure distillation of shounen hype. It’s like the platonic ideal of characters who do their best and work together and better themselves for the people they care about, which could get boring if it weren’t for how genuine the writing feels and the interesting worldbuilding and the simple fact that it’s not all just teenage boys having these emotions but a variety of characters.

(Speaking of Undead Unluck, they just announced who the seiyuu for Mui is going to be and it’s not Homoto Akina or Liyuu…I’m sure Ishikawa Yui is a good fit but man…one of my favourite parts about reading Undead Unluck was seeing the little bits of Chinese and being amazed at how real it was…oh well…)

Ichinose Family is finally picking up a bit for me. After reading this and Takopi, I think Taizan 5’s brand is very much “strong premises and fantastical and intensely emotional and roundabout ways of getting to a simple and somewhat cliché truth.” So you’re telling me the various bouts of amnesia and dreaming and waking and running away would eventually lead the characters to realize that they need to face their problems and that the perfect family doesn’t exist and you just have to work at it? Wow there was no way I could’ve seen that coming. And to be honest, I kind of don’t buy that they’re such a wreck of a family to warrant all this prelapsarian desperation in the first place, but I guess it just speaks to their naïve mindsets. I am looking forward to the confrontation between Mom and Dad next week, though. I’m more interested in their relationship as a couple than the kind of played out familial relationships we’ve already seen between the other family members.

Aww the Dandadan chapter was cute, little Rin is adorable and it’s fun that the catboy in her fantasy is still a vampire catboy.

Marriagetoxin is fine, I’m still rooting for Kinosaki to be the endgame candidate for Gero but their relationship hasn’t progressed much lately beyond advisor and advisee. But since we already have canon lesbians, my hopes are still alive. The thing with Marriagetoxin that bugs me a little (aside from the action sequences that I literally could not care less about) is that I can feel the creator’s modern sensibilities in writing these female love interests and giving them real personalities and motivations and making sure they don’t end up just as damsels in distress (and I appreciate that), but when it comes to the actual romance it regresses to middle schooler levels of “oh no how do I talk to a girl.” Which, okay, I can accept that for Gero since it’s a part of his character, but it gets a bit tiring when even the cool ikemen love interest gets all blushy and embarrassed too. I’m sure people find it cute and moe and endearing but it just does nothing for me, and I wish we’d move past this general shyness around romance and, god forbid, kissing, but I guess I shouldn’t expect too much from a magazine aimed at teens. And comparing something to Chainsaw Man wouldn’t be fair, so I won’t. I guess I’m just wanting for a little more romantic progress instead of introducing new love interests and going through the cycle of Gero helping them and them becoming fond of him again, because it’s starting to feel like Marriagetoxin is spinning its wheels.

As expected, shady looking private investor guy has joined the team in Magilumiere. It’s fun seeing Sakuragi confidently chase her ambitions – she’s come a long way since chapter 1. I’m curious about the sudden focus on glasses lady whose name I can’t remember. I wonder if she’s just a conduit for information and will report back to Sakuragi and co about what she’s learned, or if this is hinting at her getting a storyline…

The latest Akane-banashi chapter was fine, I’m just not particularly emotionally invested in any of the characters and why they do rakugo. But I suppose it would’ve been hard for any rakugo centric series to capture my attention after Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinjuu did it first. But I stay with Akane-banashi to learn about rakugo stories I don’t know, so I’ll stick with it until the end.

The One Piece chapter was good, I don’t have much to say other than I never expected to get a backstory flashback for Kuma of all people, but it looks like it’ll be pretty important.

It’s great to get another SpyFam chapter, and I always love the Damian/Anya ones. Damian’s shoujo filter for Anya is a fun visual gag, and the whole chapter wrapped up in a wholesome and funny way. I enjoy these comedy slice of life chapters as much as I do the spy or assassin mission chapters, but I do wish we could use them to progress a bit more in the social games that also play a part in Loid’s schemes – though I suppose we get an indication of Damien’s deepening crush on Anya so there’s that.

I can’t believe that Cipher Academy is something I get to read every week. It’s just so so so so good. So good, in fact, that I feel the need to go page by page and talk about all the things I noticed. I liked that they kept the detail of Iroha’s barrette getting chipped in the explosion, I like that we’re finally looking deeper at the bits of Iroha’s backstory that we saw in the Code Battle with Tayutan, Iroha’s backstory is as tragic as I expected, and I realized that his five barrettes design feature is to keep up a long strand of hair…perhaps to remind himself of his past? Amvicious is great, she has the same energy as Boku no Hero Academia’s All Might. And as I looked at her design again just now I’m realizing that perhaps Iroha saying he liked their buff instructor in the Code Battle wasn’t just a deflection but because she reminds him of Amvicious, another tall, muscular, and light haired girl… And I like that Iwasaki drew stairs in Iroha and Koshibai’s shadows to indicate them moving down through the floors. I LOVE that double spread between Tayutan and Kubinashi, and I like that they’re thinking along the same wavelength… And I love that Cipher Academy has such an attention for detail that it’s really rewarding to read and pore over and make your own connections because they don’t always relay everything clearly or right away… God I love this manga.

I checked out the first few chapters of You and I Are Polar Opposites because I saw people say that it was good and unconventional, and it’s certainly cute but it’s just not for me.

Monday

Went over to my friend’s house and watched an episode of House, then went home and watched even more episodes of House over Discord. The Hilson road trip to House’s Dad’s funeral was great, and I suspect that’ll be the highlight of the season as the overall narrative descends into House/Cuddy’s blossoming relationship.

Tuesday

Almost forgot it was Tuesday until I saw CSM screenshots on Twitter and wow, what a chapter. I’m excited to see the Death Devil’s design.

More House marathon – we’re trying to cram as much in before our lives get busier. The agoraphobic patient was an interesting challenge, and in the episode after that I’m happy to see Foreman finally get a win on his own.

Wednesday

Nothing today lol just YouTube and Picross.

Thursday

Does it count as watching if I slept on the couch while my friend watched the newest episodes of Our Flag Means Death?

Friday

Also nothing today – I’ve fallen down a deep video game rabbit hole.

Saturday

Okay I’m feeling bad about how empty this Week in Review is because of my gaming addiction (to be fair, I also did some work), so I’m forcing myself to watch some anime today (maybe force is a silly word for watching anime, which literally requires next to no effort on my part…but I’m four years behind on my anime list for a reason). Perhaps I’ll start Anime Saturdays as a counterpart to Manga Sundays…that’d be a cute way to bookend these things.

I started with Kusuriya no Hitorigoto because it was the one I was most anxious about. I fell into this series just a few months ago and it immediately became one of my 10/10 series (the first manga to ever be so good that it got me to read the original light novel), so hearing that it was getting an anime was both exciting and nervewracking. I didn’t expect like, sakuga levels of quality for this sort of story, but I at least wanted more than just a bare bones adaptation, especially with a sumptuous setting like the Rear Palace. So far I’m pretty pleased with the setting design and the music, I’m such a sucker for Chinese instruments. I really love the background art here, all the beautiful colors breathe so much life into the show. Maomao is also very cute, especially when she’s chibified. And I love Yuuki Aoi��s voice performance.

I’m a bit confused about the opening though – I suppose they wanted to establish some things about Maomao’s life before she got kidnapped, but I feel like it just messes with the pacing. Kidnapping is a pretty hard event to try to play off as a comedy beat to match the relatively light-hearted tone of Kusuriya, which is why I think the original story just skips over it. If anything, I would’ve kept in Maomao saying goodbye to her dad, getting distracted by medicinal plants, and then a quick cut between the kidnapping and the three month timeskip. There was no need to show the consorts so early when Maomao explains their dynamics within the palace later on anyway – but now I’m rambling.

I lied, I’m back to complain about that tiny cut of Gaoshun informing Jinshi that the consorts are fighting, I feel like that was also completely unnecessary…these are just tiny nitpicks, sure, but they’re bugging me since I love this series so much. I guess the pacing of Kusuriya was always one of the more unique things about it, since long swathes of time can pass very quickly between scenes, so it was a challenge to adapt that to a fixed time medium like anime…but hmmm it’s just the little things. Like I’m tripping over rocks while I watch.

Next up is the new SpyFam episode, which starts with some nice footsteps-on-wood ASMR. And wow, I’m impressed by the actual English text happening in the show, I wonder if they had a consultant or looked at the official English translation of the manga. I also liked the shadow of the window frame like a cross or a cage on Perkins’ face as he realizes he’s been caught, now that’s subtle imagery. The story makes me so sad though…

I spoke a little too soon on the subtle imagery. The blue sky and sunlight hitting the top part of the apartment building as the story wraps up was a bit too on the nose, guys. The Bondman episode was super cute, I loved the retro style. And I loved the watercolor style of the omake – I’m glad that they get to experiment with the sillier parts of the show.

Oh hell fucking yes, every time I watch a new episode of Undead Unluck I just sit in awe of how much the show gets the manga. The direction is fantastic as always, with really new dramatic compositions unique to the show. I love that silent snippet of Gina and Andy in the cold open, it just does so much to establish her character and the scope of the Union’s operation. The quick cuts for comedy and the motion through the ocean and the sky…god I feel genuinely emotional watching this show.

Oh my god Fuuko’s little “nya” as Andy pushes her out of the grass…

I love that the first half of Undead Unluck is like, Andy and Fuuko’s romantic worldwide getaway on top of the typical shounen battle fight a boss stuff. Just this one little addition of pathos adds so much dimension to the story.

Ooo, now we’re getting some Russian…I wonder how accurate it is/if they got a Russian voice actor for this rando background character. And ahhhh Gina is so cute, such a nice contrast from how powerful her intro scenes positioned her as. AGHHHHHH HER REVEAL TO FUUKO IS SO SINISTER AND COOL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE MUSIC IS SO GOODDDDDDD I remember this arc being the first one where I was so impressed by the unique ending that it cemented my interest in the series, and the anime is doing such a good job of elevating it closer to its platonic ideal…I almost wish I could go into the anime blind, but then I probably wouldn’t have watched it at all. But at least I can fully enjoy the ride now. It seems like the Week in Reviews for the next few months are all going to end with me livetweeting the latest Undead Unluck episode from excitement heh. I really hope they can keep up this level of quality…and also adapt the entire manga.

[notthestarwar]

Snippet from: what the living do

Jango, haunting Obi Wan’s ship; tells the story that brought him here to Cerasi, haunting Obi Wan

What if he was a ghost. What if everyone was a ghost.

Jango could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He suddenly knew that he had to get this out. He needs to come clean. The whole thing. 

This might be his chance. His chance to have someone understand who he was when he started on this path, right at the start, because that wasn't Jango the man, that was who he was as a teenager. As a child. And maybe, he's just been trying to fix what he didn't get right. What he couldn't get right. Way back then.

"Can I tell you the whole story? All the way back. It's a long one..." He asks her suddenly, before he can think about it too hard.

Cersai snorted.  "Jango we've got nothing but time. Go ahead".

Jango made no argument, he didn't want to. He wanted to finally get this out, no more stalling. 

Something had changed, he had spent so long avoiding the subject that he hardly knows how to tell it, but it’s time. He wanted to be rid of the weight hanging from his shadow, this burden. Jango wants to be free.

He starts by taking a deep breath, a rush of oxygen that he didn't need, that he'll never need again, filling his lungs.

“My parents were farmers. When I was 10, a group of militants from a group called Death Watch, I suppose you could call them terrorists; came to my house and killed both my parents and my sister and set our home on fire.”

“I still do not know why they spared me. It was not a kindness.”

He's staring down at the floor with its soft rubbery lumps to stop anyone skidding across it. Something that Jango, is never going to have to worry about again and isn't that funny.

“There was another group, the Haat’Mandoade. They opposed Death Watch and they sought to one day succeed the New Mandalorian, a pacifist group that at the time ruled Mandalore.”

“The Mandalorian Civil War. there were 3 factions.

One ultra violent and using tradition as an excuse. Death watch were extremists.

One, extreme in their pacifism and determined to wipe the slate clean and rid us of all and any tradition.

“At the time I lost my parents, the Haat’Mandoade were a small faction, grassroots really, but everyone knew that one day, they’d be more. 

And then, one final group. The true Mandolorians.”

"The Haat’Mandoade arrived at my home too late to save my parents, my sister, but they did come. That mattered to me, that someone had cared enough to try.

It was a middle ground that Mandalore desperately needed, we were pulling ourselves apart, destroying our people with our own hands."

They aimed to fall somewhere in the middle, a movement where we could still be Mandolorians, keeping our language and our culture, but working to be better than the Mandolorians of the past. A modern Mandalore for modern Mando’ade. Promoting defence over expansion. Peace rather than war. 

Their leader was a man called Jaster. He had originally been a watchman and in his spare time, he was an amateur historian, he wanted to share with the Mando’ade what we once were. He wanted to give us a way forward, taking the best parts of our history and learning from the worst.

They followed a strict code, written by Jaster himself, the Supercommando Codex.”

“The Haat’Mandoade were dangerous to Death Watch. They had relied on the support of Mandolorian’s driven to them by the New Mandolorian’s strict approach to our traditions. With each controversial policy, Death Watch’s numbers would swell with those desperate enough to look away from their more distasteful acts, but as soon as these Mando’ade had another option, one that was fair and more concerned with defence over destruction and expansion, they had no need for Death Watch.

The Haat’Mandoade started as a group of highly trained Mando’ade loyal to Jaster. They worked as a for hire militia when they were not spending their time working to end Death watch, to save others from the devastation they had already brought to so many. 

That other option was the Haat’Mandoade, led by Jaster and his super commando’s. They were a middle ground.

The Haat’mandoade wanted to lead us towards a better future and with Jaster at the helm they were well on their way. “

“After losing my parents they took me in, I saw first hand as what had started as something small grew. Jaster had known my father, in truth, it was he personally who took me in, picked up where my Buire had left off, before death watch put a stop to all of that.

He taught me it all, to fight but also to follow a code, to follow his code.To fight for what was right. He taught me of our history, where we had come from as a people, what we had done. Jaster thought it was important for Mando’ade to know that, so we would know better than to keep repeating the same old mistakes. 

So I went with them, with Jaster. 

 “He offered. And that was Jaster in a letter. He knew how to give orders but when it was important, he asked. 

And then one day, he offered to adopt me.”

He offered to adopt me, if that’s what I wanted, and of course that’s what I wanted! 

He led by consent, he was only willing to lead if he knew that we wanted to follow, that he was leading us in the direction we all hoped for. 

There was no doubt in my mind that had I not wanted him to say those words, he still would have looked out for me. Had I wanted distance, he would have found someone else to care for me. That was the man he was and that is why I never would have said no. I wanted it all, everything I could possibly have and I wanted it immediately, so I could hold it tight to my chest and never let go.

Thanks to Jaster he had it all.

I never would have said no, not to Jaster. I was so young and still I already knew what It was to lose it all. I loved him, I wanted Jaster to be my Buir because he was Jaster.

So he adopted me and I found myself with a parent, once again.”

Jaster had given Jango all he could ever dream of just by being himself. Just by offering up what he was to Jango, because really, all Jango has ever really wanted, whoever he is: a boy standing on the outskirts of a burning field; or maybe someone a bit older, looking down on the crumpled body of his mentor; a teenager, kneeling and bound, surrounded by the bodies of people he'd led in to battle; or an adult, just, stumbling down the gangway of a slave ship, blinking away the light of the first sun he's seen in years; was to be loved. 

“The thing was though, all those things that made Jaster so great, they weren’t apparent only to me, everyone saw it. It was why he had so much support. It was why his super commandos were so loyal. It was why death watch were so scared of him, why they hated him so much.

Sometimes when you want something so much, you only end up pushing it further away. Like squeezing a slippery bar of soap so hard that it shoots right out of your hand and- splats- right in to the murky depths of the drainwater.

So when Jaster adopted me, it hadn’t just been Jaster the man adopting me, it was the Mand’alor saying those words too.”

Jaster adopting him could never just be Jaster, stepping forward as a buir. It would always also be the Mand'alor stepping forward. The voice of his people, elected by their will. And so in accepting that offer of adoption, Jango, a small boy from a farm in the rural outreaches of Concord Dawn, was stepping in to something he would never really have enough time to fully understand.

His people loved him, that’s why they followed him. That is why they took him as their leader. But he wasn’t just their leader. They had made him King.

“The members of the Haat’Mandoade, their supporters had elected him to the position and now he was a King as well as a man, the Mand’alor and in their eyes, the only rightful one. A complication considering that death watch claimed Tor Viszla as the rightful Mand’alor of Manda’yaim and the new Mandolorians were claiming that the position was defunct. 

"I'd been adopted by the King of our people. He was, an elected leader but also a king: the Mand'alor, and, he was killed for it. His second betrayed him. I was 14.

My second chance at family, at a parent, shattered just like that and the Haat’Mandoade found themselves without a leader. They needed a new Mand'alor and they had few alternatives. The thing is they didn’t want an alternative, they wanted Jaster, but he was dead and so, they picked the only person who symbolically, might offer their movement what Jaster once had.

His people’s trust, would paint a target on his back and In the end, it was Jaster’s position as Mand’alor that would take him from me before I could even legally drink on most planets in the Galaxy, leaving me parentless once again.”

They picked me.

I was 14.  I wasn't ready to be their leader. But to put me on the throne was to send a message: you can kill our leader but you can not kill what he has started.

“The Haat’mandoade were now My People, the movement was My Movement, I was not just part of a greater whole, I was responsible for them, for it all. I had advisors and Jaster’s friends and Verd but that could never make up for all that I wasn’t, all that I hadn’t had time to be.

So in many ways it was a symbolic gesture, handing me the reigns. But calling someone a King can never just be symbolic. I was at 14, now the leader of our people.”

I couldn't be who they needed, what they needed. I was trying just to keep my head above water. On one side we keep having to fend off attacks, on the other the official government are decrying us, lumping in with those maniacs. 

I just tried to keep us going as we had been. Mercenaries for hire to keep food on the table while we gathered support and figured out what the hell else we were supposed to do. We made sure always, that we stuck to Jaster's code.

But a code is not enough to lead a movement, that’s why they had made Jaster Mand’alor in the first place. He’d taught me, those few years we were together and thanks to that in many ways I understood his intentions what he was trying to do, but I was also a child, in even more ways I did not understand, I could not.

We were going to make a new Mandalore, a better future for our people, together. But in my hands, we were barely surviving.

“My people, had put the trust they once had in Jaster, in me and it would be that, that killed them. It would be that, that killed Jasters dream.

"In the years after I took the crown I managed to keep things going just about, thanks to the help of my advisors and my Buirs friends, most of which were the same people. We took jobs, the worlds we visited carried on turning, and then there was Galidraan.

What the Haat'mandoade had, what delicate soft thing had been laid in Jango's waiting hands, it could have been something. They could have been something and Jango, he can never forget that. He'll never let himself forget that.

The Haat’Mandoade started dying the day I took the crown. It took a few years but the writing was on the wall from the first moment I touched it, A boy leader to thank for a dead kingdom.”

We took a contract or rather, I took a contract because I was the leader, I was in charge.

The governor of the place tells us there are terrorists hurting people, he told us they were Mandalorian.

We put two and two together and figured, death watch.

So we took the Job and tried to find them but we didn’t get a chance to take them down before the other shoe dropped.”

Death Watch were on this planet, they were there because we were there. It was a setup, the Governor was in their pocket, when it came down to it, we were on that planet because Death Watch had invited us and what a welcome they had prepared.

The Governor went to the Republic with a plea for help. He told them the same story he had told us, with one key difference. He told them that we were the terrorists and he told where they might find our camp. 

“I was a king, but I was also a boy. I couldn't protect them. They were all dead."

Death watch created evidence to support the tale and at the behest of their republic, the Jedi flew in to save the day.

The scheme was a success. The Jedi killed almost all of my people that day. The Haat’Mandoade were no more.”

He can't hide the part that he played. That's who Jango is, the Jedi killer. And he's sat here, In a Jedis quarters with a Jedis dead best friend.

"I killed 6 Jedi with my bare hands but it still wasn't enough to save my people.  I don’t tell you this to brag, only for you to see what it was like. 

You have to understand the brutality of it, in all directions. I fought with all I had, I would have given my life for my people, you have to understand that. But I survived. I survived and they all died at the hands of those Jedi. 

In a day, they had destroyed all that we built just because they blindly waltzed in without checking.”

“Eventually the Jedi captured me and they took me to the local authorities who handed me to the Governor and the Governor was working for death watch, always had been. 

They'd killed my parents, my sister, my adopted buir and now they had set up the annihilation of all I had left. All that Jaster had left in my hands.

It’s the truth. There's a part of Jango that never really left that ship. 

When he walked out that door he had to tear a part of him loose. Something that got caught during his time there, and was and always would be, lost, thanks to his time in slavery. 

The governor sold me in to slavery. It was. It was bad. Torture really. Spice ship. Took me years to escape. The person who left that ship, he wasnt the one that got put on it"

Sometimes Jango closes his eyes and thinks he's still there. And that's ridiculous really because he's never been further from slavery than now, you can't chain a ghost.

Slavery is like that though, It seeps in to your bones, you can never leave it behind. Afterall, didn't he go ahead and enslave the clones, that's what the Jedi had said he'd done anyway. 

He'd learnt the violence of slavery at the hand of another and when he'd finally gotten away, he'd just gone and turned it on another, on a million others.

“After I left that ship, what was left of me at least, I found myself back in the Galaxy without any kind of purpose. I had been a king and now, there was nothing. I had led my people, Jasters people, to their certain end.

He takes a shaking breath. He's near the end now. So close he can feel the shape of it, his end. It's almost within touching distance.

What was left of the Haat’Mandoade had scattered. But most of them were just dead. There wasn't really anything left for me to go back to. I'd led most of my people to death. I was hardly about to rally the survivors and secure their deaths too.”

Once, I'd been handed a legacy. A chance to do better. With that code our people could have been something. Jaster had set us on that path and all that was needed of me was to keep our people still following it. But I hadn't been able to do that.”

He'd seen the consequence of violence more than most which probably makes the next part worse. Jango knew what even well intentioned violence could do and still, he set out as a bounty hunter.

By his early 20s, he already found himself responsible for the death of hundreds. People were still dying thanks to what he had failed to do, they would be for decades. Death watch had gone unmatched for all of his time away and still, they wrought terror now he was free. But he couldn’t fix that. There was no way for him to fix all that his incompetence had brought down upon his people, upon Mandalore.

Thanks to Jango, there was nothing left of Jaster’s path and so he set out to find a new one. 

His skills lent well to bounty hunting and so that is what he did. It was all he was good for really, killing. Death had torn through his life since he was a boy, he knew the consequences of what he was doing more than most and still, he sold himself as a killer for hire. 

"Now I've got a reputation by this point. They called me the Jedi killer. They'd thought me dead for the past few years, but here I was. I'm back and I'm different, but I've got to do something. I need food, I need a life. 

No-one is going to hire the Jedi killer for any Non-violent job are they and really, what else was I good for. Its all I knew. I was good at what I did. Jaster had taught me to hunt. 

I already had the kind of reputation you need as a bounty hunter, far before I stepped a foot on that slave ship, all of us did, we'd been working as mercenaries. So I picked up from there."

More than anything, Jango is a violent product of a violent world. He just can't help himself.

He'd been good, he'd been more than good. Jango has never been able to approach a task with anything but brutal competence. If he doesn't know how to do something, he learns. More than that, he becomes an expert. 

It was that really, that sealed his coffin. Signed the warrant and dotted the t's of his downfall. 

"I made a name for myself. Even more of one. Jango Fett, bounty hunter. 

Jango was too good. He caught the wrong type of attention.

I was the one they came to for the difficult jobs. The one you contact when you can pay. 

A man approached me and he said, I've got a job for you. An unusual one but you are uniquely qualified.”

The Jedi have ordered an army. They want it ready in 10 years to fight in a war the Jedi will lead them in. For the Republic.

“He tells me the pay is good. Ridiculously good. But he says, that's not why you'll want to do it though, here's why:

He says, we've got an idea. Me and my employer. 

We want you to be the donor. It'll be a clone army but they won't be able to think like people or anything. Just like droids but they'll be grown rather than made. 

The Jedi will have their army but in the end they won't really be loyal to the Jedi and that’s why we want you, Jedi Killer as the template. They'll turn on them and you'll have your revenge.”

“You have to understand, the Jedi, they'd taken everything from me. I'd lost everything i knew so young but thanks to Jaster, I'd rebuilt from there. The Jedi took that from me.

The new Mandolorians were a monster of the Republic's creation and with them, we'd been shoved to the sidelines. They had split our support in half, every non Death Watch Mando’ade was too busy fighting each other to properly oppose Death Watch. 

That is why they were so strong. That is how they succeeded. The republic did this.

The Jedi and everything they represented, the Republic,  they were the reason we'd been vulnerable to death watch in the first place.

And now, such a obvious show of their arrogance, still claiming to be peacekeepers while ordering an army. So yeah, I wanted it all to blow up in their faces. They were asking for it"

Jango shrugged. “So, I agreed.”