lukaistypingprivately

[lukaistypingprivately]

有時真的覺得很可惜

我怎麼就沒能力再去愛人呢

失去了為別人臉紅羞澀的能力，失去了悸動心跳的感覺

不

其實我還是可以的

只是那個人不在了

十多年了

不思量，自難忘

現在的那個人，更像是家人吧

我不反感與他親近，在他身邊也很自在，有安全感，像家人一般

我覺得自己應該是把他當成父親了

一個我從未有過的溫柔父親

我在他身上獲取被愛，被照顧，安全感，支持

唯獨不會有浪漫的念頭

也許是因為靈魂無法相交

很多我想分享的事，想分享想討論的想���，他都不願意動腦子去想，更遑論深入去討論，拉近心的距離

這讓我很寂寞，好像無法向他展示自己完整真實的一面，因為這就像跟空氣對話似的

[lukaistypingprivately]

我的靈魂，跟沉澱多年的愛意和思念，始終沒有歸宿，無處安放，無人接收

沒有可以休息的地方，也沒有可以傾訴的對象

我的性格變得孤僻乖張

And I feel trapped

也許死亡會是解脫

[lukaistypingprivately]

I’m willing to pay any price, just to reverse time and relive the life with you all over again, even if the ending never changes

I’m just that desperate

[lukaistypingprivately]

或者我只係希望自己可以得到善終

唔想再咁寂寞咁痛苦

前嗰30年過得唔快樂，莫非其餘人生只可以一直向下？

[lukaistypingprivately]

有少少陷入焦慮發作

講到尾都係驚日後香港既住屋問題，唔想同男朋友媽媽一齊住，但我又冇乜本事自己租屋住，除非月月清啦

月月清基本上就買唔到樓，又係我最大惡夢

所以所有option就係：

1: 住男朋友公屋，儲到少少錢，要寄人籬下 （儲幾耐？住幾耐？佢阿媽好可能唔中意我地搬走)

2: 同男朋友租屋住，唔洗同佢阿媽住，但難儲錢，而且西灣河唔平

[lukaistypingprivately]

心情矛盾

講到結婚我就好不安，老實講對方唔係一個十分可靠既對象(?)

一諗到咁就一世我就想縮 ，萬一對方唔係我expect 既咁呢？d人話拍拖都做唔好既野，結左分就更加唔會做得好。而家我已經有咁多不滿，唔敢想像結左分會發生咩事

[lukaistypingprivately]

I need a place to let it out. Good thing he doesn't understand English.

Feels like I don't want to be with him any longer, he's a nice person. But we never should have started.

Back then, we were talking about my pass relationship, when he asked me if I'm willing to try to let go and try something new, I said yes. Somehow he misunderstood it into me say yes to be his girlfriend.

He was so excited, even it just by messages, I can feel it. For some stupid reason I didn't want to disappoint him so I just played along. But I have to admit, it really didn't feel right. I knew it and I let it happen. Giving someone false hope, lying about my own feelings.

I never had that kind of feel for him, the butterflys and everything I had felt for Max even till now, I didn't have it for him. But I needed someone, I was too heartbroken and desperate, all over the place. Max was never mine to have and my ex left me, and he was kind and patient. The little misunderstanding that I should have made it right long ago, had made him a life line instead of a lover.

But I'm selfish.

Seeing him so happy of taking care of me, always loving and caring. That was all I ever wanted. All these years being neglected and abandoned by my family, always the unwanted one that never gets picked. It was the first time someone actually wants me just because of who I am. How can I resisit it? To beloved and cherish, I just can't risk loosing it.

So I tried. Fake it till you make it.

Yet it was easier said than done. Every time he looks me in the eye and say I love you. I feel guilty, and it grows by every time.

To me, love is heavy, it is not something I can easily give it out. I might like him, or love him as family, but love him as a partner? Romantically? I just feel like selling out my soul bit by bit every time I lie in his face.

I'm so exhausted.

I thought I can do it without a flinch.

Yet now, whenever we had a disagreement, or something he does or won't do, doesn't fit my expectation, I blame him. There is always going to have a sound whispering to me, saying "I told you that was a bad idea, you shouldn't settle with someone you never wanted, see what happened!"

And I hate myself for it, for I know this is totally unfair to him. What I used to whine about, that life is so unfair, why no one loves me and keeps taking advantage from me and takes me for granted, I'm doing it all to him, just the same.

I hate myself more by everyday, and I don't have the courage to let him go. I have this selfish thought, what if I don't find someone just as loving and care as he is? What if I need couldn't find anyone at all?

It was to a point I'm starting to think, maybe don't do it for love, do it for my own future? The reality is, my career isn't very promising, and the living cost is sky-high. I'd never be able to live on my own with dignity. So I tell myself, it's okay, with him, I can at least feel less insecure.

However lately, it seemed like he didn't have any life planning, and is not planning to have any planning! I tried multiple times talking to him, see if we can work this out. But it seems there's no use. He's satisfied, because he had no burden on housing or working, unlike me which had both. It just drove my insecurity to a point I can't think straight, so I've been avoiding him for weeks.

If I don't love him that much, if he can't take care of me and make me feel safe, why still together? Is it worth it? Stay just to feel being loved like teenagers but not the mature security and promises?

I'm almost 30 and it's driving me mad