#but i seriously dont want a present from you if you cant think of something on your own

[mythicmanuscripts]

Do you think omega Aemond despite trying so hard to fight being an omega would try to preen for his Alpha subconsciously? Like imagine he and his Alpha have gotten together and he cant help but spend a little extra time worrying that his hair isnt straight enough (we all know he straightens his hair 😅), his old clothes dont ‘fit’ so he *needs* to get newer and nicer ones that no one has seen before in a color you said made his skin look nice, and no, it is just a coincidence he has started hounding the other omega ladies for skincare tips.

Aw I love this idea!!!

Omega!Aemond below the cut. All my a/b/o content is tagged with 'a/b/o hotd' so if you don't want to see this type of thing just block that tag.

So firstly, from the moment Aemond spoke to you for the first time he was obsessed. He's just so... captivated? There's something about the way you take him seriously in a way most alphas don't, but at the same time you manage to also make him feel so well cared for. He always wants to be around you, and he starts to get grumpy and irritable when he hasn't seen you in a few days.

Basically from the moment he presented as an omega he has had alphas talk down to him and belittle him and assume he’s not as strong or smart as he is. (Side note, what if he claims Vhagar after he presents? Runs away and ends up with Vhagar who protects him?). It’s this history that makes him so unreceptive to any courting attempts. If one more person gifts him a rose and promises to take care of him then he’s actually gonna lose it.

Despite this, he's somehow completely oblivious to how he wants you to mate him? You’d think with his general distain for most alphas it would stand out to him immediately when there’s suddenly an alpha whose company he actually enjoys.

He mostly doesn’t realise this just because he honestly doesn’t even think of it. He doesn’t really think of anything when you’re around. Usually he’s constantly analysing every alpha in his vicinity, glancing at them all often to take note of where they are and trying to spot his quickest escape route. But with you it’s like that mistrusting part of himself just doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Head absolutely empty.

He's been pushing down his instincts for so long that he doesn't realise his desire to always be around you isnt just because he gets along well with you.

It's extremely obvious to everyone else of course, he's not exactly subtle. He goes from refusing to give any alphas the time of day to tripping over his own feet in his hurry to snag a seat next to you. And then just when they think he can't get more obvious, he starts asking for fashion advice and maybe even starts peaking into the kitchens to see how the servants cook so that he can make you something one day.

It’s especially obvious whenever he sees an opportunity to do something for you, and he’ll actually get upset and almost territorial over you if someone else does whatever he wanted to do? And this is all the way down to the most minor thing. He literally hissed at a servant who saw him reaching for the wine and assumed he wanted a cup of it to be poured.

Because no!!! No he didn’t want a cup to be poured he wanted to pour it for you!!! He’ll be all grumpy about it, acting irritated until you say his name and get his attention back on you then he almost immediately forgets about the servant.

Once you realise how much Aemond seems to love any compliments and acknowledgement you give him, you take special care to ensure you're saying nice things to him. Every single time you do his scent spikes and he blushes and sometimes you swear he's having to stop himself from purring.

He always takes note of the specific things you compliment him on and ensures to focus on them. When you realise this you start to use it to encourage self care for himself? You complement how well rested he looks, you thank him for that eating enough, you tell him you’re so proud of him for standing up for himself, etc.

And all throughout this he has absolutely no idea he’s falling for you.

In fact, he only notices when he realises one day how it’s been ages since some rich alpha came skipping into the castle with an offer of mating and a generic gift he’ll throw out immediately. Maybe it’s only at a big event that it finally comes out? Like there’s a massive celebration feast hosted with dancing and music and usually at least 10 alphas are all lined up to ask for a dance but this time not a single one approaches him.

It’s only after that evening that he realises everyone thinks he’s already taken by you.

Which…. Well they might not be 100% right but they certainly aren’t wrong either.

[0zeeraa0]

Tolkien fans and ASOIAF fans on critical views of the books

so i didn't know weather to put this on my tolkien blog or my asoiaf blog, so im putting it here and rebloging it on them.

i recently saw a tiktok of someone talking about how tolkien fans do not like to engage with the books in a critical way, despite the fact that they often see themselves as very intellectual for being tolkien fans in the first place.

she also brought up the point that asoiaf fans are significantly more willing to do so despite ironically being looked down upon by said tolkien fans.

and i just wanted to talk about why i personally think this might be the case

(also dont take this supper seriously. these are just shower though. literally. i just came out of the shower. my hair is wrapped up in a towel rn)

!! this post is specially about the book fans for each fandoms !!

!! i did not take into account fans of the lotr or hobbit movies, the fans of tr*p, and also not the game of thrones show fans or the hotd fans !!

(fair warning: this post has become a bit of an incoherent monster so just bear with me)

a large part of this in my opinion could be the fact that tolkien's work is often considered to be "perfect" and "flawless" and "the best there is", something that a lot of the superfans tend to take to heart and internalize. and because they think tolkien's work is perfect, and because they are huge fans of that work, they seem to come to the conclusion that they have perfect taste in literature. so whenever that is criticized in any way they take it as a personal attack. like they're taste and they're personality is being criticized instead of, you know, a book.

this is also why i think asoiaf fans avoid this issue. it is no news to anyone that asoiaf has a.... reputation..... and a very large majority of people are already very well aware of that reputation before they even start reading the books. they already hear the criticism before they can get emotionally attached to what is being criticized. that way even after reading the books and becoming fans despite those criticisms, they are a lot more accepting of having their favorite book be criticized. and are a lot more willing to do it themselves.

another aspect of this uhhh phenomenon is the "mortality" of the books i suppose

tolkien's work is often seen as "pure" and (most importantly for this case) "unproblematic". another aspect fans very often seem to internalize, and may play a role in how little self awareness they have when they have a crash out over criticism. they cant possibly be rude and full of themselves when they're fans of such unproblematic literature!! how dare you!! this could also play a role in the superiority complex i often see from these types of tolkien fans, especially towards fans of other books, namely asoiaf.

as for the aforementioned asoiaf, as we made it clear, it has a reputation. fans know what they're getting into. they know about the sex and the violence and the incest, its hardly a secret. they also know they'll likely be looked down on for liking the books and are prepared for that too. kinda hard to sit on your moral high horse when its literally galloping through the "incest fandom"...

the way the story is presented could also be an aspect in the way the fandoms handle, not "criticism" necessarily, but more like a critical view of the books and the stories and characters within it (if you get what i mean)

tolkien's work can be pretty black and white. lange aspects of the stories is good vs evil. the evil morgoth vs the good valar. the evil sauron vs the good gandalf. the evil orcs vs the good elves blah blah blah you get it. it can be argued that this doesn't really encourage critical views of the characters and storylines. some are good and the others are evil. (please note that its been a long time since i last read these books so my memory might be a bit hazy. like pre pandemic) im not saying theres absolutely no moral ambiguity to be had, but there absolutely are many characters that we are meant to see as unquestionably good or evil. and we definitely are meant to see certain actions in a certain way. theres not a lot of speculation to be had in the canon material (but hey thats what fanfics are for right?). this paired up with the moral superiority mentioned before can lead to being told that you're "excusing" evil characters actions just because you questioned their actions and didn't take them at face value. this is especially bad with the silmarillion, which is supposed to be a biased retelling of events but many people seem to forget that and treat everything it says like its the holy bible. you cant talk about certain actions being presented differently than how they might have actually happened because then you're "making excuses" for the characters and you're very problematic for that btw :/ sometimes it feels like the idea that tolkien's work is perfect and genius is the only thing that's stopping these kinds of people from just saying "it aint that deep bro"

asoiaf in the other hand is aaaallll about moral ambiguity. instead of "evil characters" and "good characters", we have cruel actions and kind actions. both of which are done by every character. yes, some lean more towards kindness or more towards cruelty, but there are very few who cant be said to have at leats a little bit of both (one of these few would be someone like ramsay). even extremely cruel characters like joffrey and cersei have motivation or reasons for their behavior that can be seen as understanding or sympathetic despite them still being inexcusable. asoiaf actively encourages you to think deeper into the motivations of the characters. the pov format of the books making this even more apparent, since we see the world through the eyes of one character at a time. were shown their biases and how they may be contradicted by the povs of the other characters.

now, because as i said these were just shower thoughts so sorry if its a bit of a mess or that it ends abruptly. i just kinda ran out of things to say. if you have more ideas on why this might be the case feel free to drop it in a reblog or in the comments.

[honeyhotteoks]

omg hi long time lurker - i am so absolutely pleased you included kim ji young born 1982 into across stardust!! i got to that part in the fic and had to stop and say something. the book and the movie are both truly heart-breaking pieces of feminist literature that i absolutely recommend Everyone! read and i am so happy that you're putting a spotlight on it. both mediums are so lovingly crafted and i absolute cried the whole time with both. i feel like it really does paint a genuine picture of what feminism in korea is like right now for this book to be so 'objectionable' to the standard netizen, especially when the point of the book is "ji young is you, she is me, she is the every day woman." and on that note.. i really do appreciate how much forethought both yun and the lead put into her autonomy - i feel like thats an aspect of soulmate tropes i dont see explored much, so i was pleased as a peach to see little ripples in the standard quo.

cant wait to see where this series goes! save me chai long form fic from fresh graduate job applications... save me...

omg thank you SO much for this ask. you nailed exactly why i put this book in the fic, 100%

i’ll be honest, i’ve had a lot of conflicting feelings about writing certain tropes given the climate in korea. i’d like to think that all eight members of ateez are progressive, or at the bare minimum believe in women’s autonomy and rights, but the reality is that we just don’t know. over the past year i’ve been disappointed by idols again and again who prove they aren’t a magical exception to korean social politics and it truly does affect how and what i write, or if i write at all.

that being said…. until proven otherwise i’m choosing to believe the best about our ateez, and when i write them i really want to be explicit in the version of them i hope for.

the idea of soulmates inherently implies a lack of choice, but it’s important to me in all my work that not only is consent present, it’s acknowledged and contemplated by the characters. the only reason they have the choice to seal the bond in my little universe is because i just won’t ever write a world in which there’s no choice for our mc, fated mates or not. and because we’re not in yunho’s head, it’s hard for me to convey that he understands and acknowledges that reader has a choice without some seriously clunky dialogue. so including kim ji young born 1982 was a nod to indicate that he’s the type of man that makes his own opinions, and that he’s the type to listen before he speaks.

i hope i’m able to keep threading that truth through the fic in an authentic way, and im really touched you sent me this comment. there’s nothing more important to me than consent and autonomy, even when playing in darker tropes, and im so glad that resonated for you in this one.

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[freebooter4ever]

Okay i found this ancient article on geno:

And since he's temporarily injured (get better soon!!!) I'm just gonna spend a minute to gush about how somehow the more i find out about this boy the more endearing he is...

First of all, the title alone - like i love how geno's got this 'tall dark and handsome man of mystery' archetype Down. And i dont think it's cultivated. Which honestly makes it even better. He's just Like That. Shy but confident. Mysteriously sexy. Ugh geno, i want to put you in a movie.

The dude who wrote this article very Very obviously thinks geno belongs in a movie too because it is just gushing. Like "there’s something intrinsic and effortless about the way he moves that separates him from the nine other men on the ice" i have not been watching long enough to fully appreciate geno's skills but holy shit.

The anecdote of his shot being so fast and hard that despite the goalie catching it, the force of geno's shot pushes the glove into the net is so wild. And then when that shot ends up being overturned anyway, geno goes and scores again???? This is the stuff Narratives are made of.

"Heads turn looking for Malkin, for any reaction from the big Russian. But his locker stall lies bare; Malkin has left the building." - and then he pulls some batman diseappearing act. Hot. Always leave them wanting more.

"The star-strapped NHL would surely love to have a reigning MVP to promote, someone they could put in front of the cameras, plaster on billboards and help grow the game in the United States. But they won’t find that guy in Malkin; he has the talent to convert newbies to diehards, but not the desire to do so. He’s content—no, determined—to let his play do all the talking. Add it all up, the shy demeanour, the guarded public profile, the terse answers in limited interviews, and there’s a tendency to accept what’s presented. It’s easy to think that Malkin is a supremely talented hockey player and not much else. But that would be a mistake. Because, believe it or not, he does have the personality to bring the game to the masses, the work ethic to inspire a generation of young players, and a sense of humour. He’s not an empty locker."

Its embarrassing how much i am into this omg. Like if there was a big neon sign saying 'WARNING: EXACTLY YOUR TYPE' it would be flashing. And also too late, I'm already in deep.

But more seriously - I think this is exactly why geno gets snubbed in those lists and shit. He isn't willing to play the PR game. Sid does, and sid does it really really well probably because sid doesn't seem to care much about his own persona being percieved. He's all about being a hockey ambassador. Geno, mr man of mystery, seems to care A Lot. He's rather senstivie underneath the hockey machine exterior. But he gives himself to the public in quieter ways - like the geno hat. Or all the signings he does. Or the charities. Geno really isn't about the glamour and i very much respect him for it.

“On the first day he was here, he didn’t say a word,” recalls Letang

And

"Malkin trailing Gonchar like a puppy waiting for supper during those early years."

Ok but Shy Baby Geno would have been the death of younger me like total kryptonite direct hit oh my god. 22 yr old boots you had no idea the crush you were missing out on here. Sometimes i read old fan blogs from that era and i keep kicking myself because younger me would have had so much fun. He was So Damn Cute.

This quote: "on the road, Malkin seldom went out, instead Skyping with friends and family back home, watching movies in Russian—mostly comedies—or, more commonly, studying English using Rosetta Stone." makes me go 🥺

Cause like it must have been so hard on geno, i cant imagine. I didnt have the language barrier and moving within the same country but just from WA to pittsburgh all alone was hard enough. i was definitely the shy weirdo who the first friday night i was alone at college spent the evening knitting and watching singing in the rain instead of attending the freshman cruise.

"childhood friend–turned–longtime training partner–turned current roommate Max Ivanov, who runs a hockey camp in Pittsburgh"

so thats who max is??!? an old friend from his hometown who followed him to pittsburgh???? 🥹 that is soooooo fucking sweet. i do get the feeling that if geno cares about anyone, he will probably care about them for life - loyalty and devotion and all that.

"think he plays it off with the media that he doesn’t speak as well as he does just so he can avoid interviews" this will never fail to crack me up and 100% do not blame him.

"He’s still reserved and will usually opt to go home after a game to break down that night’s action with Ivanov. Malkin received a massive chess set for his birthday last year and you’ll often find him huddled over the board across from Ivanov"

geno is just....so not what i would ever have imagined some big sports star to be????? or maybe im just clueless and too judgemental of most of the jocks i knew in high school and such.

like if 2012 geno and i actually had met and sat down and talked in some hypothetical language barrier free universe, i dont know if i even would have clocked him as a sports guy??? the more i find out the more curious i get, like why is he so reserved? but also definitely wants to be seen as being in the ranks of the famous stars? its something i can sympathize with, not that my career is anywhere close to being as storied but while ambitious ive always mostly wanted to be good enough to work with my heroes than become them. my favorite art stuff is the backend. let someone else be the big name creative directors and concept artists.

ugh geno, man of mystery, you are fascinating

[kisaraslover]

Do you think Kisara has any hobbies besides sitting in Kaiba's lap?

Well i like to look at established Kisara to draw out more traits so first things first is the dragonic nature. I think Kisara deeply enjoys nature and solitude and sitting in the sun. I dont mean this like camping either, from ancient Egypt we see Kisara already has unusual resistance to exposure to elements, with something godly in her veins so i think she might be really zen watching birds to flowers to the sky and basking her place in all this. We all have a passing moments of "everything IS everywhere all at once, all is one, one is all" but i think it would be a constant presence in her. she swings between "oblivious to life weird ass woman" and "enlightened higher being" VIOLENTLY. Meditating would be grounding to her, in the opposite way to all other people meditating.

and then music. dragons are a kind of bird <3 dont look that up. i think Kisara has an uncanny aptness when it comes to music. one of those people who can pick up any instrument and play a simple tune on it. i dont think she has a remarkable singing voice at all though. embodies "people sing because they want to not because they are good at it" hums gently music she likes. if she tries to seriously sing along to a difficult song her voice cracks loserly. she laughs and continues yknow? its still Seto's favorite and if he catches sound of her humming before entering a room, he waits outside to listen for a couple secs. its his secret no one needs to know shhhh. ALSO the fic Paper Roses has piano player Kisara and the romance is served so well by Kisara giggling while placing Seto's hands on the right keys so.

making things with your hand is a very grounding practice for anyone struggling to stay in the moment and stay present and i just cant move past these very artistic but expensive looking hobbies from youtube shorts -tries not to cry about capitalism locking the public out of arts- so after getting that Kaiba Money she'd just go "i always wanted to try glass art btw" and seto goes "?????. thats. alright ok. go for it"

im really conflicted on many "hobbies" and what makes them hobbies but if we work with the basis "how you spend your day is how you spend your life" i think she'd really be the least online person. the activies above WOULD be very frequent but i think Kisara spends her most days, ironically enough, socializing. she'd be talking to employees (important business) or talking to employees (just chatting lol) out with friends of all kinds and trades, Mokuba and his friends or Seto and HIS friends, or most surreal one, Seto and HER friends. shes the kind of awkward person who listens more than they speak, with her own charms and difficulties, thankfully when you try enough you can find people you can get along with. very endearing on the line of strange, bringing out peoples protective sides which is why she would gather Mom Friends and Bossy Bitches and Protective Eldest Siblings faster than you can say her name. while i characterize both Kisara and Seto as kind of introverted, i think Kisara would be charged with a thirst to know and understand humanity (both result of godly roots and alienated youth) so if her luck turned around after meeting Seto i think she'd build quite the social circle, not even realizing how many people shes getting close to at first. Seto's socializing would be more acknowledging part of healing means creating support systems, opening up to people -to whatever extent he can- surrounding himself with people who he cares about and who care about him in return, and definitely less easier than her collecting friends.

SO YEAH! sorry for the LONG ASS reply, i think Kisara is adopted by many Extroverts and on the time off she goes into her workshop does fuck all (DEF made a wooden dildo to see Seto's reaction. mokuba laughed his ass off thinking it would perplex him. he took one look at it and said its a pathetic cock and he could nude model for her. no ones laughing now.....)

[thueenz]

have any of u guys seen that cheeseball cat on tiktok/insta?? idk i dont use instagram. this one

i saw them months ago but they popped up again last night on my fyp and i want to talk about them so bad because theyre an occupied object as i like to call them (object with some kind of spirit in them, not to say haunted, just an object with some kind of 'being' or soul to it) and i find it endearing that a cheeseball cat i randomly saw one day is occupied. now we go under readmore

im pulling most of the screenshots from this video because its the one i saw last night so go watch if youre curious and to show the creator some love for their art!

if you have no idea who cheddar is they were not always a cheeseball, the creator bought them and painted them like this originally they looked like THIS

the being in them was present from the time of buying, they stick out like a sore thumb in this image specifically (likely because this is the day of buying and they havent settled into their surroundings at all)

luckily they dont seem to mind the fact that they were painted like a giant cheeseball at all. i cant say every being would take well to that, but if anything, they seem to like it. even if op and the fans on tiktok arent aware theyre 'there', they seem to enjoy the attention they get, and the individual love they have been given in the paint job. to be loved is to be changed or whateva. in all seriousness though they are fine with it, more than fine, which im glad lmao

theres plenty of beings in objects that are discontent with their situation, where the person theyre with either is not aware of them at all, or is misguided in their views towards beings in objects/uncaring/ even scared, but cheddar here seems perfectly happy. while others might shy away from attention, they seem to like the attention tiktok gets them.

i mean, they have their own little pedestal, special gift like baby cats that are custom painted, theyre special and named to the person theyre with, and people on tiktok love them. not a bad life if thats something you like! im really happy they feel so content, i get sad seeing beings that are unhappy on the internet but i cant rlly do anything about those cases so 😭

they really seem to like the person theyre with too, in this frame of them being picked up, their energy softens and brightens and makes my chest feel giddy and affectionate. theyre very cute i adore this cat i would give them a hug if theyd have me

i think they likely have a purpose or magical skill, but i cant pinpoint it further than 'they want to bring good into this persons life', which could cover a raaange of things.

theyre not malicious at all, they seem very content and friendly and i wouldnt feel uncomfortable around them at all in person so no worry of that. a bit intense before settling into their new life, but not bad. sometimes beings are just a bit intense lol. theyre not haunted by any human spirit, i can't say where they came from, or when, but i don't think they were ever 'alive' either animal or human.

i ♥️ cheddar and their sweet little cheese throne

[enfieldtennisacademy]

i have spent the last two weeks in my childhood bedroom where i was molested and i have grown so manic depressive that i seriously believe i could peel my skin off like a boiled apple. "honor leave ur room go do something" okaaaay i will and then i immediately face the bridge troll of this overblown doublewide trailer... the patron saint of hebephilia who wants to be my bestttt frieeendddd even though ive made it so fucking clear i want nothing to do with him. i am truthfully waiting for him to die. make it past that hurtle and then get in my car with my suspended license and then drive around aimlessly because i do not know one person in this town. sometimes i get a canned water or melatonin from the store. and then i return home and get high or drink

got insanely fucked up a few days ago to escape the fucking evil that plagues this house and my walls but the whole time my mind just tallied up every single horrible thing that's happened in my life. i was so scared shaking and shit but my brain couldn't stop. it was like a powerpoint presentation and each slide was increasingly more intense and i cant even remember it now as i sit here to ""blog"" about it. i think sometimes i daywalk as someone who is very normal but then i consider how upside down my entire life has been since i was a little blonde child. like how do i just push this aside and do normal things like spin classes and road trips and a 9 to 5 when the basis of my bones are made out of horrible freak show occurances that not even my brain can remember? how am i supposed to make dinner for my husband and kids one day when this is how my brain and body functions? ill be standing at the stove pondering every single time i was torn to shreds and then have to face some cute fat kids and try and separate their world from that one. like i dont even know if theres a book to help with that......

like im not shy about how fucking tortured i am. my friends know exactly who i am and what has made me into the strange erratic doll they know and love to kick. i dont know how many times i'm going to cry to the point im hyperventilating and vomiting while people stare at me like a horse with a broken leg. eventually i will grow tired of being a strange facet ppl need to avoid eye contact with. or worse......... a spectacle to gossip about for 2.0 seconds over white gay male brunch. i wear my heart on my sleeve, which can be VERY embarrassing sometimes, but my life isnt a secret. everyone knows ive been preyed on and touched on and beat down. but i think ppl are so afraid of it being "AWKWARD" that they avoid me. they dont want me to start crying or for there to be a lull in the conversation because they dont know what to say in response to my batshit. so they have normal lives and they go to spin class and road trips and 9 to 5s while i get way way worse waiting for someone to rescue me. (rescue me: Be a friend). (Be a friend = chill w me. Be forgiving with my neuroticisms. Hang out and be normal to someone who doesn't get a whole lot of that. You know.)

anyway.......... i am an inchworm away from a total religion-fueled meltdown and turning to the church because i feel so hopeless and i feel like they will coddle me like a powdered little baby. i will at the very least take a text from a school buddy or a walk around the block w someone who hasn't tried to kill me or get me to do it myself. but until then i will continue sprinting on the treadmill and scrolling gaga daily and being haunted by my past until its seriously too much to bare. im gonna jump off the spring breakers bridge fr

[lanchang]

hua cheng zealot anon: yessss you get it, hope you enjoy the fics, ill find the title of the other one i mentioned tmrw hopefully. to my point, let me also add: theres this gorgoeus fanart by malinanan: malinanan.tumblr.com/post/671091738327269376/uwu-uwu and i adore this hua cheng, he has the exact kind of look in his eye and the grip on xie lian's robes that just convey everything i need, like hes trying to be so good but cant help holding on for dear life. like i cant help but find THAT compelling, i dont even have to think about xie lian in this scenario, but xie lian here is also really good.

And to circle back to xie lian a bit, i think if the novel wasnt from his perspective it would serve his character so much better sometimes, because while we get those moments where we, as readers, could have reason to doubt xie loans presented persona right, he ultimately feels very safe, as we know how resigned he was and is to lifes misfortunes. I found it exciting every time something unsavoury was implied about him (my own mu qing reaction to gilded banquet moments) but ultimately there was an expectation that somehow it will boil down to his self sacrificial penance. But what if, along with hua cheng at some point, we could have actual doubts about xie lians motivations or seriously consider accudations made against him - or even worse/better, what if we were reading a story where hua cheng is so devoted to a god whose intentions only we, as readers, do not trust. The stakes are So serious to hua cheng, but throughout most of the story xie lian is so resigned to his 'carpe diem' grind that the stakes do not feel as dire, hes died and suffered so much, whats a little more. AND not trusting xie lian ,as readers, would have automatocally raised the stakes for us too...

ooooh wowwwwwww that is some good fucking art 😵‍💫😳🥴🥴😵‍💫 yeah i think that aspect of hua cheng is actually very compelling its just not explored its more of a given throughout more or less the whole story. but yeah that side of him must want to be fanatical and desperate but he holds that back so much but it is crazy to think about for real like what if god loved you back!!! but you couldnt just express it because what if he didnt and what if it was too much or what if you let him down???? crazy </3

soooooo true that would have been really fun for xie lian as a character to have that doubt about him like his resignation and unbothered attitude about his past could hint at a secretly deeply uncaring nature deep down like WHAT IF there was a possibility everyone was actually right about him as a god of misfortune.... and yeah the stakes are WAY higher for hua cheng this is what his whole existence is for and for xie lian its kind of just a weird tuesday and hes a got a crush. but if we werent always privy to xie lian's thoughts it would make us care more about hua cheng's desires for him.... intriguing!!!!

[asherlockstudy]

i dont think rhett likes link as a person that much. the way link has been joking about how "rhett doesnt have emotions" i think reveals more about the nature of their relationship at this point. link has been pushing a lot while rhett doesnt have much to give other than what he know he "supposed" to give. dont get me wrong i think there is affection of some kind between them and the history isnt something you can just set aside and the promise of a duo is still attractive but... imo one of the reasons why link is adamant at annoying/furstrating rhett is that its one of the only clear show of emotions he can make rhett feel for him at this point. its a little in link's head sure but i do believe rhett is slowly realizing some stuff and i dont think its those "gay" feelings that people like to talk about here. i realize im reading into a lot of things but i cant help but feel this push and pull and all these prying i love you's out of rhetts mouth lately speaks to an insecurity that is a little exagerated on links side but also not entirely unfounded. i think you can still have a certain amounth of love for a person in your hearth -whether the idea of them or the history of them or an affection that lingers etc. but slowly realize you dont like the way that they are/present themselves anymore.-its hard to find interests that you both actually enjoy/share that isnt also your job(lol), intelectually engaging conversations are sparse and inequal and sometimes more frustrating than informing etc. which is a very difficult thing to handle on both sides. doesnt have to mean its an end but its just would be a lot of difficult shifts that should be taken seriously and not for granted in the name of promises. idk. this is a little strech and i normaly i dont like to do this but i cant help but feel that. ''i think im supposed to like this'' https://pbs.twimg.com/media/F8TknG0WYAAUOur?format=jpg&name=medium from rhetts new ep could be about this in parts. maybe

I get what you are saying. It is a thought I used to have occasionally; that Rhett doesn’t seem to love Link as genuinely or that he is getting done with him. Most of the time, something happened that made me feel proven wrong.

The thing about them fighting was also significantly dramatised in the interview - not because it might not have been dramatic at the time it happened but because the interviewers clearly and humorously wanted to play it up. I personally felt uncomfortable with the mildly comedic reenactment of Rhett’s apology. I believe this should have stayed between them or that when it was between them it was definitely serious and so it didn't deserve to be a part of this youtube interview. I mean, you know it’s serious enough when Link is staring and not talking and Rhett is tearing up.

We should always keep in mind all the things that are unsaid because there was a lot unsaid in this case. Link had briefly mentioned this recently, the whole sending an email about needing their friendship to be more of an actual friendship thing. He said at both occasions that there was a warning of “I can’t keep doing this if we are not gonna be actual friends”. The thing is, what was his alternative really? To mess it all up and work solo? As a YouTuber? As an engineer? As a what? This was a huge risk. Link also said he sent this email with Christy’s blessings. Something doesn’t add up. Christy isn’t crazy about Mythical but that would be a huge and tough change if this email caused a breakdown in their friendship. I wonder whether Christy’s self interests were getting in the way of the advice she would be giving in that case. Because a sensible advice would be for Link to be less absolute about it and secure that their business remained undisturbed no matter what happened to their friendship. Unless, idk, things were THAT shitty that Link 'd rather end his whole super successful career. Besides, it is bad when a friend grows emotionally distant, however when this friend is still physically close and you see him all the time and you have based all your income on him, it is unwise and very dramatic to blow it up because you aren’t as attached to the hip friends as in middle school. Welcome to adulthood, I guess. Therefore this doesn’t add up perfectly in my opinion and I would expect Christy to be more like "grow up and do your job without obsessing over Rhett's friendship" than say "You go girl, blow it all up if you are not the best of the besties again", so I once again conclude there was more that made Link felt so invested in the genuineness of Rhett’s feelings, which caused him to feel heartbroken when their friendship was getting more impersonal. The way Link implored for a big talk, for months or even years I recall, for Rhett to open up about his feelings to him is not typical of 40 year old males being friends but, then again, you could argue much of them and their arrangement isn't typical anyway. I could add to my point that in the past years they have been clearer about the frankly quite strange ways they avoided each other outside work but this would lead the answer into paths you are not interested in.

However, Link did not imply Rhett did not have emotions or emotions towards him in specific. He said Rhett does not verbalize or externalize the actually existing feelings. That's what he usually says, though sometimes it seems he is unsure of the nature / genuineness of Rhett's emotions indeed.

Rhett has fought to improve on this aspect throughout the years. It does not always work but there is effort. Sometimes it affects him quite a bit that Link thinks that. It took him some time to realize it but apparently he gave Link a massive tearful apology in which he explained he thought all along that whatever they did was them living this friendship. I don't know if that's 100% sincere but it seems he cared enough to come clean about it, apologize, improve on himself and listen to Link etc So I still think he loves Link a lot. Besides, remember how crazed and needy Rhett was towards Link during quarantine? Also, aside from that interview, Rhett is more often than not the one to whine for not seeing each other many times in a month or Link not inviting him to this or that, or not caring enough for a shared hobby or not being provisional for him as much as Rhett is for Link's sake. Therefore I think we get this idea because Link is so much more open and dramatic about his needs that makes us inequally exposed to their viewpoints and as a result we feel for Link more. But I think Rhett cares about Link a lot. Sure, he is annoyed at him often because Link can cause that to people lol but I think the good emotions and all the past and all he has with him by far overcome some exasperation that might be there. They do have different love languages, too.

As for the song, thanks for the link, I was looking for the lyrics. Had my eyes nearly drop out of my eyesockets in order to read them XD Well, it's certainly an angry song and [MASSIVE EDIT BECAUSE I MISREAD ONE WORD] it’s almost certainly about people criticising them for abandoning the faith and how it still stings.

[qrichas]

vent post. fandom neg, not abt any specific situation, feel free to ignore and scroll past

i get so tired of the overprotection the fandom has regarding characters and actions sometimes it feels too annoying to bear seeing stuff anywhere anymore. i understand when its done with the purpose to avoid miscaracterization from people who dont watch them and try to paint anything they do as the completly opposite or even false stuff at all also ofc its natural to have a bias towards your favorite, you like them and want people to understad them. but its tiring as fuck seeing posts like "how dare x character say something about y like that" when y character did something that bothered x and its normal they react like that, or "the situation between a b c and d is so sad bc no one takes into account a's feelings about this and how much they went thru" when 'a' never communicated properly what they go thru neither b c or d interacts in their pov the moment things happened, being impossible to know what happened without metagaming, or "h never gave any reason to distrust j about this" when they dont need to, even if its a tragic situation, characters will simply choose if they want to trust someone or not.

and the "trust" part is also something that makes me very pissed bc ppl act like any minor misstep someone makes is a "break of [characters] trust" and that they should isolate bc theyre oh so sad and no one cares about them and life is tragedy for them. when the people on the server are literally friends in real life and not always theyre gonna be full time roleplaying so ofc theyre gonna want to spend time with people regardless if their characters have beef with each other. i get you want to engage with the themes that are presented with a character and the story in general and discuss the analysis behing it but not everything is to be taken 100% seriously in need of deep discussions or long threads, sometimes things can change in the blink of an eye if the cc wants to, bc thats their character and their playstyle and they can do whatever they want with it. and i say this as a person with favorite characters, favorite themes i like to engage and discuss abt them, and that wants others to understand their actions and how their trajectory in the story is non-linear. but im also aware i dont need to excuse everything they do to make them seem like they're never wrong in any situation and theyre in fact the one who suffered most and people who are reacting negatively or having their own opinions abt them are, in fact, wrong and never understood the character as a person. not everything is abt your main pov and you have to be aware of this (tho its fine to joke like "they did nothing wrong!!!!" i myself do that, just be self aware). even if i dont like the way a character reacted to something my favorite has done/said (because its normal to be upset abt these things) or i think its unfair, its literally not on me to say what that character does or has to do and only them can choose what to do abt it, because after all this is a medium of semi improv roleplay, its not a fictional world with fleshed out characters with a start and an end. the ccs will say or do things they dont actually mean to say or do in character sometimes, and without counting the language barrier factor. anyway, ppl are free to complain abt stuff thats their blog and their own opinions and they can keep doing whatever. however ill be blocking posts and blogs that annoy me to no end regarding this situation in specific and then enjoying what my mutuals are posting or talking abt. i just wanted to put this vent out here bc thats something ive been bothered with for a long time and i cant vent this properly nowhere else lol.

[feline-bookish]

I feel like no one is taking me seriously, that my psych isnt taking me seriously "social anxiety will get better the more you do stuff" its been 9 weeks and going to school is getting worse actually. i have to do 2 presentations tomorrow and a letter from my psych saying i cant do presentations at the moment please find another option did fuck all, ive cried SO much this week cause ive just been so stressed out. school coordinator said shed take me to the people who work with students with disabilities and mental health shit and she hasnt done that. I have to decide what subject to do next term cause otherwise i wont be full time and my government payment will stop but the coordinator wont tell us wtf is in the courses and i dont want to do either of them (apparently doing 7 out of 8 subjects in the year is part time??), she still hasnt responded to me asking if theres going to be two presentations in each subject like there was in this term, which there probably will be. Our lecturer just threw a whole new essay to do in the last week of school, which is so fucking stupid, we did all of that shit in the other assignments. I cant do a course in school how the fuck am i going to survive in a job

That is fucking tough. Perhaps taking a break from school to help yourself heal is something you should think about.

[away-ward]

You know, the more i read your posts and anons' messages, the more i find kai mori annoying, hahahaha! To me, he never really stand out as a character and his annoyingly moral righteous standards are just really laughable to think about after everything he did to rika and banks, and when he keeps friends like michael and damon around knowing the kind of hurt they do to others that are not them (even if he never witness them himself, because he couldve just ASKED, but he didnt). What i find interesting too was your take about the horsemen not really caring about anything as long as it doesnt serve them in a way, and this alligns really well with what emory said in the train and its so true. Theyre not the "good bad guys" that they thought they were, and i feel like to continue living like that for the rest of their lives, they must have live their lives with a certain amount of consistent delusion because they seem to genuinely believe that they were RIGHT all damn time.

When Kai found out the secret behind banks being mysterious background (relating to not wanting to expose damon), he called her "loyal". But emmy did the same, and alone too with no contact, but she's a traitor? I know the degree and seriousness of banks and emorys situations here are different but idk, its the same concept no? Idk idk, kai who was already dull to me, became even more unappealing after he said that, because aside from will, he was literally the second most privileged guy in the group who's issues were just daddy's expectations (which wasnt even so big, katsu just wanted the best life for him, but he goes around befriending alleged rapists???) and depression after jail. Even in jail, they got premium seats, unlike damon, so i honestly cant take kai seriously even more now. Idk, maybe i am being a hardass towards privileged characters like kai, but he's so icky and whiny to me (almost as much as will) and it turns me off. Dont get me started with damon and michael though, they were already at the bottom of my list from the start, but at least they got something going.

This might also be one of the reasons why millionaire or billionaire romances just dont hit it for me, because these men are so annoyingly whiny! They solve everything with their money or reputation, so we cant get a deeper insight of their characterisations because "oh yeah, money can solve it". They dont have a solid personality outside of dollars and fame, and its just not something that i wanna read as an escape for a romance. Idk, Ana Huang, Sophie Lark, Rina Kent, Lauren Asher, sports romance authors, theyre all writing their stories with this formula, and while i have no problem with others enjoying stories like these, i wish once in while, we get an amazing rich x poor or rich x rich characters' romance stories. If you do have any, other than the Addicted and Calloway Sisters series, please do recommend us some!

At first I found this sad and then I just found it funny that this blog had the potential to ruin the perception of Kai’s character. The idea that it can take someone from neutral to “wait. Actually I find him really annoying” is so hilarious to me.  I didn’t mean to do it, I promise.

I think for me, a lot of it comes from my disappoint about how his character was revealed. I had such high hopes for him going into Hideaway and was just left feeling so irritated with him all the time. This was not the intelligent and thoughtful member of the team I’d built him up to be; the Heart to Michael’s Brain to balance the crew. The source of wisdom and principles to guide them when they went too far off course. And maybe that was putting too much on him, but I really felt he could have carried it. My fault for building him up so big and putting him on that pedestal; it’s not fair to PD or to the character to be mad about not getting what I wanted, so I don’t really go there with it.  

Of course, I liked Kai more in the past scenes that the present. Obviously, prison changed him and I’m not arguing that it shouldn’t have, but I didn’t like the direction he changed in. He is morally righteous, and I think beyond any of the others, his double standards are the most offensive to me because of it. Kai always wanted to be the good guy with a bad streak, but because of this blemish on his record, he felt that it’s all anyone would see when they looked at him. And I get at first, it can be painful to accept how things got out of control. He was a teenager, or at least young, when all this went down. But after a while, I wished he stepped back and considered, “What have I really lost?” and realized that he didn’t lose all that much, in fact. He still had his friends, the town was still on his side, he had the opportunity to finish his education (though not in the manner he would have liked), he owned his own business, he married a woman who understands him on a deeper level, who doesn’t expect him to hide or control his thrill-seeking inclinations but will indulge with him. By NF, he has a beautiful son and is well on his way to rebuilding his relationship with his parents. Five years on from prison, and by all accounts he’s exactly where he should be and probably would have been if his life hadn't been interrupted. And yet, what do we hear about when he gets upset? Prison. It all comes back to that for him. He’s stuck there, and it made me wonder if all of those accomplishments weren’t enough to help him reconcile with what happened to him, what would be enough?

I still don’t know.

When Kai found out the secret behind banks being mysterious background (relating to not wanting to expose damon), he called her "loyal". But emmy did the same, and alone too with no contact, but she's a traitor?

Yeah, because Banks didn’t send him to prison. It’s really that simple for him. I was really disappointed that it was Damon showing all of the wisdom and understanding in this instance. That not an ounce could be found in Kai is what really sent me over of the edge of tolerating him.

I’m not going to minimize what prison was like for him. His story about paralyzing someone because he let his fear of what would happen get the better of him, and then lost control would be difficult. I bet he lay awake at night, think about what could have happened if he went just a little further. He could have killed that man because he was scared and lost control. That’s would be a dangerous line of thinking for anyone and it makes sense that he came out of prison with his fist so tightly wound around his self-control that he couldn’t relax. And then nearly losing Will and his fight with Damon – I’m sure he had to quickly process that if it came down to it, he’d have to kill Damon. He’d have to kill one of his closest friends and one of the two people he feels understands what he went through. Like, Kai went through a lot. And I don’t want to minimize that. But he’s so exhausting sometimes.

Theyre not the "good bad guys" that they thought they were, and i feel like to continue living like that for the rest of their lives, they must have live their lives with a certain amount of consistent delusion because they seem to genuinely believe that they were RIGHT all damn time.

They would have to live in a state of delusion to think they’re right all the time, and part of me thinks they do. But I also don’t think they care if they’re “wrong” as long as it’s what they want. Which is the bigger issue of them thinking that doesn’t make them corrupted.

That line from Rika really irked me. If they had just admitted they were criminals, I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. I can’t critique what they freely admit, but since they want to believe they’re right for all they’ve done and are doing, and doing it in a less that legal manner doesn’t make them criminals, then I can sit here a nitpick all I want.

When you say the second privileged next to Will, do you mean in terms of home life? Because I always understood that Kai was the least wealthy of the four? And he certainly understands that his parent’s money is not his money, except for his inheritance. (Side note – I never understood what he meant in Kill Switch when he said “Rika has money,” implying the rest of them don’t? Where is he getting the money to buy properties and start companies, if not his parent’s or his inheritance? And if it’s that’s the case, where is the rest of it? Will still lives off his parents, Rika has her inheritance and income from the diamonds, and Michael is a professional athlete, so that answers that. What does he mean, they don’t have money??) If you meant in terms of his family, compared to the Crists' and Torrances' home life, then yeah. He had a really good home life. And his dad had reasonable expectations of him. So… yeah.

Also, what did you mean by this:

when he keeps friends like michael and damon around knowing the kind of hurt they do to others that are not them (even if he never witness them himself, because he couldve just ASKED, but he didnt).

Because even if I were in Kai’s position, I also wouldn’t be asking my friends “hey, did you commit any felonies or seriously injure anyone today?” Or maybe I would, but I would be joking. Like, I wouldn’t care if they did either… if I were Kai. I don’t know. The friendship between the boys was very “birds of a feather flock together” and I don’t think Kai was interested in changing their dynamic enough to care. Plus, I think for the most part, their pranks were probably painless to the community. It seemed that what we witness in the narrative was probably some of the worst things they came up with, since they escalated each year. Yeah, it probably cost the community money, but the Thunder Bay is wealthy enough to deal with it.

As for recs, I probably don’t have much to share. I’ll point again to the Crowne Point series. The series itself centers around this wealthy family that’s framed as basically American royalty. They have money in a big way, but I enjoyed how that was only a variable to their problems, and neither the reason nor the solution, so that might be something you’re looking for.   

I’ve only read Heartless Hero and Stolen Soulmate. The tropes for Heartless Hero are friends-to-enemies-to-lovers and body guard. Abigail is the youngest of the Crowne family and the one who gets into the most trouble in public. She has a penchant for scaring off her body guards until her grandfather and head of the family assigns her the perfect one to keep her in line – her ex-best friend and crush who is not excited to return to Crowne Point to cater to Abigail. Things went sideways the last time they were together and he also has plans for revenge for a perceived wrong, so similar to Devil's Night in that way.

The tropes for Stolen Soulmate are… enemies-to-lovers, maybe? I actually don’t know what to file it under. Grayson mistakes Story, a member of his household staff, for someone else and kisses her in a dark room… and confesses some secrets as well. When her identity is revealed, he wants to remove her from the house, which might as well be the country for all Story knows and cares. She strikes a deal with him that she can restore his relationship with the person he intended to kiss, his childhood friend and arranged fiancée, and things to awry from there.

They’re both dark romances, and while Story and Gray’s story continues on, I chose not to continue the series since I didn’t like where it was going, but I enjoyed the first half of the book and if you’re looking for a billionaire romance where the billionaire can’t just throw money at the problem, then this would fall into that.

Unfortunately, I do think a lot of romance books right now are formulaic. I don’t read too many that I remember pass closing the book for that reason. They all sort of blend into each other. ‘Sempre’, which you might have seen me rb some of, is one that’s stuck with me since I was younger. Some of the writing is dated and cheesy, but I do love it. Like the others, there are many problems the characters deal with and very few of them would be solved by money – which the main family does have. It’s also a mafia romance, so there’s that also, if you’re interested.

Sorry, I wish I had more. If anyone has some they'd like to recommend to other readers, feel free to share. And if you guys are interested in knowing more about what I’m currently reading (when I’m reading, that is), let me know. I’ve tried to keep this pertaining to DN with a few things on the side because magpie brain demands it so.

Thanks for the message! Hope you're having a wonderful day. Let me know if you decide to check out any of those books.

[trans-advice]

Hi :)

So I have been struggling with my gender theese past few days (like not only now but more than usually) and I don't know what to do about it. Like i'm afab but I think I may be a boy but at the same time im really not sure, however I want to kinda explore that and be more masculine or seen as more masc/like a boy but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk about it with, I used to talk with my (ex)boyfriend before but now that we have broken up im kinda alone, and while I have some people(friends?) I think/know would accept/support me (like this nonbinary friend I have) I am to afraid to talk to them, especially if it turns out that I am actually cis because it feels like they would judge me and it feels like no one would ever see me as a boy or take me seriously either way. And I dont know how to do explore by myself, like I want to try a binder but its really expensive and I can't buy stuff on the internet with my card and I cant have it shipped to my house because I dont want my parents to know so I would have to talk to someone and have them order it for me so I could just send the money and well, as I said, I am too afraid :/

Does anyone have any tips/ideas? I would appreciate it

And sorry for the rant

Make sure you know your intentions when you go somewhere. It seems from this your main intent is to have friends & spaces where you can access trying on a chest binder, and have people not harass you over your gender presentation & or your gender identity.

Fear of making friends leaves you with fewer & fewer people, because relationships don't last forever, but hopefully they last long enough. You don't necessarily need to disclose your gender questioning status to new friends. Making new friends will at least give you a better sense of the attitudes people have in your area. It might even give you ideas for how to move to better areas if the area you're in proves to be hostile. You don't necessarily have to stay friends with new friends either.

It's easier to make friends when you're consistently somewhere other people are, like a coffee shop or something. Basically you want to not be considered a stranger in that space & with more time you increase the chances of social interaction.

Another method is to look for new friends via people you are already friends with. This is because it also helps to be somewhere new when people can figure out who knows you etc. For example, does your nonbinary friend you have know other people who are affirmative of questioners?

Do some of the people you're doubtful about whether they're your friends or not, do the people they know seem cool to at least chat with (etc), or are they hostile? If it goes well (regardless of cis or trans) it could increase the amount of spaces you can be that aren't your parents, even if you can't be authenic.

I'm not sure why exactly you're shy, but looking into how to do contingency plans for various problems can help.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[mycartoonmonster]

TW FOR SA, ABUSE, MURDER AND THE LIKE:

Also if Im allowed to butt in here, Ford like many SA victims, in attempts to making themselves less desireable to their abusers they modify their appearence like gaining some weight and dressing in displeasing ways. Examples that come to mind are Grey's Anatomy episode where this girl was getting abused by her stepfather and in order to prevent further harm come to her she gains some pounds or how in the LISA franchise, the sister of Lisa's adoptive father wanted to be ugly so her father wouldn't touch her anymore.

Ford does similar things to that by not sleeping and refusing to shower. Anything to get Bill away from him regardless if this could potentially kill him if taken to the extremes.

Or how Bill made Ford uncomfortable in his own skin. Like how many SA victims think their bodies as disgusting after the assault they've received and some even becoming sex repulsed or unable to trust someone so easily again after having expierenced stuff like that.

And dare I say daddy and mommy issues play a part in here too. Both Ford and Stan are people pleasers due to Fildbrick's emotional abuse to the point they were willing to do anything to get the feeling of praise, approval and acceptance from anyone, regardless if its dangerous, which led them to become victims of abuse in their early adulthood (with Stan having been a make stripper for food-to the point Bill asks not to make him elaborate cause it was so bad it either scarred him or just cause he thinks Stan is ugly- or placed in situations where he might have expierenced sexual trauma like in jail) and despite Bill having a better relationship with his mom, Scalene and Euclid had their child drink a medicine that blinded him to the 3rd dimension ever since he was very young "fussy baby Billy wouldn't drink it unless it's silly"-this and the bullying he went through due to his pyrokinesis shaped him into the monster he became later on.

Most girls with daddy issues end up looking for affection they couldn't get from their fathers and find it in people, specially men that tend to be abusers or worse, pimps. Kinda like Cassie from Euphoria. And many men with mommy issues either turn into abusers that look for mothers they can fuck in their partners or criminals whom due to their complicated relationships they had mainly with their mothers channel all the pent up anger they had for them at their female victims like how Ted Bundy resented his mom greatly and he ended up brutally raping before murdering his victims

And I cant help but notice some similarities of people having blamed Ford for falling for Bill's trickery so easily with girls being blamed for their daddy issues almost as if it's their fault for having them and wanting love they couldn't get from someone that truly mattered for them more often than not for not being present in the girl's life kinda like how Fildbrick wasn't as emotionally involved with his kids (thank goodness Sherman didn't turn out like that with his kid). Kinda like how many male victims of SA aren't taken seriously cause of their gender (how some portion of the fandom say Mark from the Invincible comics was lucky to get Anissa's attention when what happened to Mark it's not something to be happy about)

These girls seek love to fill whole more often than not finding it in people that share similarities to their father or parents not unlike how Ford's sense of selfworth was tied to not just his smarts but outside praise and he still missed Stan and most likely saw a bit of his brother in Bill cause both have what he lacked-charisma.

And the puppet hour tape was also like an ex having taken nudes of you and other embarrasing things that will be published unless you what your ex demands of you. Almost as if saying "if you dont want me to do this thing, you have to do what I ask of you" more often than not this linking to sexual favors. And the aftermath where Ford is left alone, scared out of mind, whimpering and crying is very similar to the aftermath of rape after refusing to comply with what the abuser demands of you

It's a very grim and disturbing reading of the situationship these two had and understandable as to why people would be uncomfortable with this cause SA and abuse aint pretty but yeah.

broke: billford doesn't have any undertones of sexual abuse and you're stupid for seeing it

woke: bill and ford's relationship is predicated on bill repeatedly violating ford's bodily autonomy and using his body as he pleases, not dissimilar to the logic of sexual abuse. even at its "best" bill pressures ford into drinking and making decisions he normally would not have been comfortable with. this makes the ship bad and evil

bespoke: bill and ford's relationship is predicated on bill repeatedly violating ford's bodily autonomy and using his body as he pleases, not dissimilar to the logic of sexual abuse. even at its "best" bill pressures ford into drinking and making decisions he normally would not have been comfortable with. this makes the ship hot and cathartic

[girlwiththegreenhat]

so tired of ending arguments and disagreements with “we’re done talking about this.” it’s fine if the other person needs some time to calm down or do what they need to do before we return to the conversation, that’s good actually! it stops stupid things from happening! but nobody ever wants to return to the conversation. i can let go of some things pretty easily but why is this literally what always happens. some things we Need to talk about!!!!