#but i ran away with myself a little
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fatehbaz · 8 months ago
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#thinking of dinosaurs and troodontids were my favorite dinosaurs as a child#when younger i had a real full troodontid tooth fossil that meant a lot to me#for a time we lived within a few kilometers of hadrosaur sites and troodontid sites#while wider general area had many sites of recovery for the big celebrities like tyrannosaur and multiple dromaeosaurs#at that time troodontids were kinda infamous for i think the depiction in some childrens field guides and dino books#which depicted like a fantasy speculative humanoid troodontid based on 1980s model at Canadian Museum of Nature in ottawa#anyway would visit a small local paleo center a lot and woman in her 70s or 80s ran the counter of their center and rock shop#one day she asked me what my fave dino was and i said troodon so she pulled out the tooth and just gifted it to me#in little black case size of ring box with padding and transparent plastic viewing cover kinda like laminate for displaying a trading card#tooth got stolen from out my vehicle while giving some people a ride while at university before i got too poor for tuition#later during first year of pandemic owner of my storage unit died and new property owners threw away everything i ever owned#i was homeless anyway lost job due to early pandemic closures and had to allocate any money to insulin and other prescrip meds#but wouldve found a way to save my things if the new owners had contacted me#they threw out photoalbums y backpacking gear y books y musical instruments y clothes y artwork y camera y all family keepsakes#and all childhood treasures like souvenirs and gifts and school awards and writing portfolios and all the little memories#which i was always sentimental about as child#from earliest age my room looked like a natural history museum with plants and maps and library of field guides#and rocks and field trip keepsakes and all kinds of little animal figurines and mother had painted room in forest greens and browns#to feel like a forest and among the succulent plants and a globe sat the troodon tooth#parents passed when i was a child#never near any family and were always moving never got to settle into proper stable place then father passed after long sad illness#and mother put in so much effort but she passed few years later and i could not take care of myself or my remaining material possessions#and so im still quite hurt having nothing whatsoever remaining of my childhood or school friends or mother or life generally#and when trying to process grief my thoughts often come back to the troodontid tooth as a focal point a distillation of what was lost#even when young i knew it was advised not to become too connected to material physical possessions#but still there are some small little trinkets in our lives that seem to hold so much meaning and i tortured myself for losing that tooth#thinking about troodon reminds me of childhood
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pencilofawesomeness · 2 years ago
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Erza gripped the scepter hard enough to make her metal gloves creak. However, neither the hum of the magestone nor the act of using her strength to the fullest could placate her, and neither could it solve this matter.
“Jellal,” she said—slowly, carefully. Erza was positioned between him and the mirror, and she trusted her reflexes, but she still couldn’t help but to doubt her ability to stop him from escaping. Or, rather, from throwing his life away. “Let’s talk this through.”
Jellal chuckled dryly, without mirth. The bags under his eyes appeared darker in the light of the dorm courtyard. “There’s nothing to talk about. We both know that the Arcane Response Unit won’t be persuaded. I’m going.”
“The Headmage is speaking to them now. This is all just a misunderstanding. We’ll work this out.”
Erza absolutely hated not being able to do more. Her respect for the ARU and the role they played in this world absolutely did not diminish that this whole situation was bullshit and Jellal was being wrongly scapegoated. It was unjust and plain wrong. If Erza thought that marching up to the captain (a second time) and demanding this bogus investigation to be dropped would work, then she would have done it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, even she knew that this could not be solved with violence—or with caving in. They had to stand their ground and play this right, and that meant keeping her dorm here while the Headmage worked her wits and magic. 
Surely, everyone else would see the reason she clearly saw—even when Jellal himself doubted it. 
Jellal was only eight when he came to the Queendom of Roses. Only eight when they met. He was a shy and awkward child, and he refused to talk about where he came from. That was alright though, because even Erza knew that it was sad. That was why he had been sent to Grandpa Rob. Erza had just been thrilled for another fae child to join Rob’s home for orphans, because it had meant that there was at least one other kid she could play with without fearing their fragility. 
He was her best friend, and he was a good man. Erza wouldn’t have made him her vice housewarden otherwise. Jellal helped people and he was kind and he was careful and conscious of those around him, and he sought peace and balance above all else. And people seriously thought Jellal, as a child no less, was somehow responsible for an attempt to overthrow the Kingdom of Heroes’ royal family. It was utterly absurd. 
It was even more absurd that Jellal was willing to accept it. 
“Erza, I have to go. I— I did do those things. I can’t continue to ignore it.”
He might have succeeded in making that declaration cold, but the crack in his voice belied his fear. Erza’s determination settled. She swore to protect the people of Heartslaybul, and to lead them down a victorious path. She would even protect them from themselves. 
“I am the Queen here,” she declared, throat tight. “My word is law. And I say you stay.”
Jellal shifted into a ready position—to fight, to flee. The movement alone cut her to her core. “Erza, I’m not who you think I am. I’m not worth it.”
Her heart cracked. She wondered if the Queen of Hearts ever felt this pain, her desire to protect her people a visceral and painful thing. Maybe that was why she sometimes appeared so violent in history—because she, too, swore to protect her loved ones from anything. 
The past few weeks she had had to watch Jellal suffer under this weight. She watched him try to convince her that he wasn’t who she knew he was. It hurt to even consider. It hurt worse that he thought so little of himself, and little of her for not believing that she would trust him. 
Erza would not be easily swayed. Not even by him. She reached into her Inventory and she grabbed a long, weighty lance. 
“You don’t get to decide that.”
Jellal lunged. His magic mastery was always an impressive thing, and he could boost his very movement. However, her reflexes were not to be trifled with either—and, she had planned for this. She knew him well, after all. 
“Now!” she shouted, and a flurry happened all at once. 
Erza employed Jellal’s own trick, hastening herself to meet his path and bodily block him with her lance. Behind her, several magic barriers were erected around the mirror, and Erza quickly added her own, for good measure. 
A vine wrapped around Jellal’s ankle, yanking him backwards and straight into Elfman’s bear-hold. 
The plan quickly fell apart though. With a potent burst of magic, Jellal ripped himself out of the hold. He levitated Elfman with ease and tossed him straight into Droy. 
“JELLAL!” 
Mirajane appeared in a fury, floating above him. Erza spotted the flash of guilt across his features right as the junior batted him downward with ice magic. 
“Stand down,” Erza ordered, a little desperate. 
But Jellal had his own share of determination, evident in the sweat gleaming on his too-pale face. “Don’t fight me on this.”
“Too late, man.” Jet, the only one arguably faster than Jellal thanks to his Unique Magic, swept Jellal off his feet right as he tried to get up. 
Mirajane met her eyes, and reluctantly, Erza nodded. 
“Soulbinder,” Mirajane chanted, and in seconds her UM manifested around Jellal, the dark tendrils physically rooting him to the ground and eating at his magic. It was a violent restraint, but it worked. Erza knew that any less Jellal would fight through. Not that he wasn’t making an attempt now. 
“Please,” she practically begged. “Don’t throw yourself away.”
Jellal tugged at the spell, a heaving breath making his exhaustion known. “You think I want to?” he whispered. 
In the silence that followed, the soft admission might as well have been a shout. 
“Do you think I want to go? To admit that any of that stuff happened? To— to accept the role I played?”
Erza swallowed. There was something dangerously shaky about his countenance. The strain in his voice was brittle, and her instincts whispered that something was about to snap. The air grew thick with that anticipation. “Jellal…”
“NO!” His shout was raw and hoarse, full of tears and anger and everything, that it startled Erza into silence. 
“I never wanted this! But I can’t change what happened. No amount of hoping and pretending will ever change it!”
The atmosphere shook. An ugly sort of magic began to fill the air. Erza realized it too late, when Jellal’s tears mixed with his sweat and turned black.
“It will never change that I was her pawn!”
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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 3 months ago
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Applying to an apartment with little income and terrible credit score, in hopes that they'll be desperate enough to take me
#im not even getting my hopes up for this one folks#but this same company rook me when i had no rental history so maybe?#unlikely for the aforementioned piss poor income and credit score#im just praying they remember me feom when i used to rent from them and liked me enough then to take me again#the bathroom is not in the apartment btw#that's the wildest thing. like its a basic studio with a kitchen closet and main area#but you have to go across the hall. to the private bathroom#im hoping they realize that thats wild and give me the apartment#i neeeeed to leave my parents house. and i really miss that city the apartment is in#i wish there was a little essay section where i could tell the landlord how much i like the city#and that ill get a better job once i live there and my parents are going to pay my first month and security deposit#that would be nice#i applied knowing that i won't get it but also knowing that i cant get it if i dont try#mostly i just miss that city#there was a really nice coffee shop within walking distance of my apartment#(the apartment i applied to is next door to the building i used to live in so same area which is great)#but i didnt have wifi so i would go there a lot to do work. it was so cozy in the winter especially#and i went on a lot of walks. so i wiuld swing by there and grab a drink to sip on my walk#and it was literally within sight of a great lake. a literal great lakw of Michigan lol#i loved walking along the lake on a nice day. or a windy day and just watch the waves crash#and my favorite band is feom that city so i got to see so many of their performances. and theyre a small band so the most i ever paid#was $50 and that was for the vip package. i saw them for $10 once. and free once. and $50 for the vip#its a big art and music city and i love it so much. i miss it so fucking much and i regret leaving#but at least it made me realize that no other city is for me. that city is my home#oh and it was literally right next to a bug beautiful library that i loved to wander. i still have my library card from there#mostly used it to print stuff and you have to pay at the box next to the printer. and one time i forgot to pay. i still feel bad about that#but i dont want to reminisce too much cuz i know i wont get it#im trying to pay off my credit cards to bring up my credit score but its slow going#its much nearer my gf and all my friends so i would love to live near them. rn im hours away from about everyone i love#i ran out of tags. maybe pray for me if you pray? or just hope for me. i dont want to let myself want this but its there
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thebiggestfuckgiven · 1 year ago
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Ectoberweek 25: Will-o’-Wisps
Rating: T
Warnings: mentions of death, of being buried alive, descriptions of gore, brief mention of vivisection, true crime-esque horror, and general spooky vibes
A/N: I really wanted to do a lil something for the spooky month and what better to write than something for the fandom i’ve been sickeningly hyperfixated on for the past four months. Actual prompt had a two-sentence prompt as well, and i went with both <3
- 💜 -
October 2004
The things everybody tells you about small towns- everyone knows each other, ni things big happens, every day is a slow day, and the biggest local teen hotspots are the walmart parking lot or the big chain pharmacy/corner store —are true. The thing that everyone knows about small towns except for the majority of the people living in said town is that their minds are as small as the local post office.
This is especially true of the teens of Casper High in Amity Park, Illinois.
Sam’s black combat boots stomped against the warm pavement as she ran for the next block. Her breathing was ragged, coming out in harsh puffs of air in the autumn cold. She had gotten an SOS text message from Tucker seconds before the last bell rung.
Normally, she didn’t take the Foley kid very serious. They didn’t know each other that well and they barely hung out save for the couple of school projects they’ve worked on together and those rare lunch hour occasions where he’d sit at her table uninvited. Usually to avoid Dash, Kwan and the rest of their jock entourage.
She stumbled to a stop at a crossroads borderline wheezing. Running was so not her forte. Maybe it was cruel of her, but Same fully intended to ignore his SOS. That is, until she saw Tweedledumb (Dash) and Tweedledumber (Kwan) shove a screaming Tucker into their run-down jeep and speed off.
Hence, why Same was ruining her sickly goth pallor by chasing after them.
She glanced to her left just in time to see the run-down jeep screech to a halt. Christ, the stabbing in her sides was killing her. Sue her for walking. The jeep wasn’t going anywhere anymore. She stumbled a few steps, feet burning, as she held a hand to her sides like that would help her.
Dash jumped out from the passenger side, Kwan following shortly after, from the driver’s side. They opened the back doors on each side, where Tucker was. They cornered him. Dash reached in and was soon pulling Tucker out by his feet. Sam could hear his scream now.
“C’mon, guys, please just leave me alone! Let me go, Dash!”
The Wonder Jocks laughed in response. Kwan slammed his door shut, confident that Dash had Tucker handled now that he was out of the car. Kwan rushed to the sidewalk to roughly grab Tucker’s free arm.
“Guys, this isn’t funny!”
Sam was halfway down the street now and she dreaded the idea of having to run again to keep those two muscle-headed idiots from beating the crap out of the geek that for some reason imprinted on her. Ugh, caring for people was overrated anyways. She could still walk away. Save herself the hassle. No one care about her in this stupid town anyways. So, why should she care?
She slowed to a stop. Her feet ached.
Dash and Kwan were dragging Tucker towards the street corner, which just confused Sam, amidst her inner turmoil. Why even drag Tucker all the way out to his own neighborhood? His house was literally a street away, and there wasn’t even a bare-bones playground here. So what—
“No, no! Don’t put me in there, Dash, Kwan, please! Just let me go, guys, it’s not funny!”
Sam felt a sharp chill run down her spine. Something heavy dropped in the pit of her stomach at the sudden realization of where, exactly, they were.
“Shit.”
She broke off into a sprint as fast as she could.
Shithsitshitshit.
Another thing about small towns is that they all have a well-kept secret. A dark past, usually. Sam found that she thrives on such darkness; on those unwanted and discarded things. As it turned out, Amity Park had a surprising amount of those. She made it her personal business to grow intimate with her town’s buried gutter.
The things she learned were both shocking and, for all her boasting, a little horrifying. Things that would be permanently burned into her retinas. Unseeable and unforgettable. So, she scolded herself for not realizing sooner where they were dragging Tucker to. She would’ve run a little faster, cared a little more, if she had.
She zoomed past the jeep and turned the corner so sharply she nearly fell flat on her face.
Tucker wasn’t screaming anymore, but there were tears streaming down his face as he stared in terror at the behemoth of a house towering over them.
In all its abandoned, festering glory: the infamous Fenton House. Even in bright daylight, the house was obscured in awkward elongated shadows, made worse by the house’s freaky, Frankenstein-esque structure. As if imitating a child’s building blocks tower, there were partial structures jutting out of the house’s main body. They creaked in the cold wind, threatening to snap off and crush any trespassers. At the very top, there was a round dome of sorts with something resembling letters across it. They were black with rot now. Unreadable.
Sam wasn’t a fearful person, but she was a believer. The Fenton House was more than haunted. She’s read enough testimonies to not take it lightly. People have gone missing in that house. Hell, they’ve been found dead in there. She may not be friendly with Tucker, but that didn’t mean she was about to leave him to a tragic fate.
Body running on a sudden burst of adrenaline, she grabbed the nearest thing she could find (a sizable stick) and marched towards the two jocks.
“Hey!”
All three of the boys turned to look at her. She stood two steps below them, resolutely ignoring the way the house seemed to want to swallow them whole. Tucker’s terrified face shifted into one of pure relief. A new wave of tears was visibly threatening to spill over.
“Sam,” he croaked.
Dash barked out a laugh.
“Samantha Manson? What the hell are you doing here?”
“Hey, wanna help us lock this dweeb in the Fenton House?” Kwan smiled brightly, pointing at Tucker.
Sam scowled. People always confused her apathy for cruelty. She hated it.
“It’s Sam, and like hell I do. Drop the nerd, assholes, or else,” she said, pitching her voice lower in an attempt to sound intimidating.
Maybe she should’ve spent her time running thinking up a plan instead of hating on Tucker for making her run in the first place. She clutched the stick in her hand tightly.
Kwan scoffed.
“No way. I just said we’re gonna lock him in the house.”
“Yeah! We wanna know what happens when you put a techno dweeb with murder ghosts,” Dash said, smiling cruelly at a Tucker.
“He short-circuits. It’s not impressive. Let him go.”
Dash must’ve realized, finally, that Sam was being serious. He narrowed his eyes at her, the stick in her hand, and smiled.
“Or what? You’re gonna hit us with the creep stick? Ha. Last I checked, Sam, girls don’t have the balls to pull that off, so why don’t you get lost and forget you were ever here,” Dash said before adding to Kwan, “And Paulina says I’m not a gentleman.”
It was Sam’s turn to smile. She went up a step as she spoke.
“Like any girl would let you get that close, Dash. Besides, I promise mine are bigger than yours. Here, I’ll prove it.”
Before he even had time to blink, Sam jabbed the stick hard into Dash’s crotch. A gentlemanly oof broke past his lips and he let go of Tucker’s arm to clutch at his wounded pride.
“Augh, bitch.”
Kwan also let go of Tucker to check on his friend. Sam didn’t waste a second and grabbed Tucker’s hand.
“Run.”
They bolted down the stairs, Tucker nearly slamming into her from the sudden force.
“Sam, I didn’t think— I mean— shit, thank you. I thought- Ah!”
“Shit. Let me go, jackass!”
They had barely cleared the Fenton House’s shadow when a large, thick arm slammed into Sam and Tucker’s bellies as Kwan— just Kwan —grabbed them by the waist and lifted them up.
Note-to-self: never piss off a linebacker.
Sam knew Dahs and Kwan were big for their age, being football players and all, but jesus fuck this was insane.
She kicked and punched for her freedom, but either rage was a hell of a pain nullifier or her punches were child’s play.
Crap, and she dropped the stick when he grabbed them. Just her luck.
“You better let us go right now, Kwan!”
“Or what?”
He was effortlessly taking them up the stairs and— oh that’s the door.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, they— they can’t actually lock us in. There’s no key. We-we can just leave,” Tucker whispered, panicked.
“You don’t know much about the Fenton House, do you?”
Sam’s voice was small. She felt small.
They were about to be locked in a horror house.
Dash opened the door. Sam didn’t even see him get there.
“Sayonara, losers. Have fun in the Fenton House.”
The world tilted and blurred for a split second, Sam’s stomach lurching at the weightless sensation, before she and Tucker landed hard on the linoleum floor. Pain shot up her elbow and hip. Beside her, Tucker groaned.
“If you even make it the whole night! Ha!”
Bam!
Tucker scrambled up at once, but as soon as his hand touched the doorknob a sound like a lock sliding into place echoed throughout the empty house.
“Wha…”
Sam waited with bated breath. Then—
A low droning sound buzzed across the floor, seeping through Sam’s hands in an odd pins-and-needles sensation. Red emergency lights flickers throughout the house, bathing everything in muddy crimson, and the droning sound was replaced by the most horrifying screech of twenty-year-old rusted metal scraping against itself.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Thick sheets of metal began dropping over every conceivable entry. Including the windows and, of course, the door. Sam pulled Tucker back by the collar of his shirt just in time to keep his hand attached.
Tucker yelped, clutching his hand close.
“What the fuck—”
Warbled, distorted speech boomed from somewhere in the house, the voice and the words long ruined by time. It was like someone was trying to speak underwater. The message was only a few seconds long, but it was disgustingly haunting. Sam knew exactly what it said.
Ghost attack imminent. Fenton Security measure Christmas Ham activated.
If she remembered correctly, the measure lasted six hours. But the last time it was activated (that anyone knows of) was five years ago. Who knew how much the technology had deteriorated at this point. They could be here for a whole day.
Sam broke from her thoughts to glance at a hyperventilating Tucker. She couldn’t blame him. The Fenton House was creepy enough on the outside. Inside? With flickering red lights? Sam was making an active effort not to throw up from the fear writhing in her intestines.
The shadows kept moving in the corner of her eyes, she swore she kept seeing a green glow (but she couldn’t tell where from), and it was freezing cold. Colder than it was outside, which should be impossible, but it was the Fenton House. Impossible was inconsequential.
Sam shuddered. They had to find a way out.
“Tucker—”
“Sam- ohmygodSam- this is- I mean what the fuck was that? We’re literally trapped here. In a tomb with linoleum floors. Shit, and you’re trapped, too, cuz of me. I shouldn’t have sent you that text. Fuck it I shouldn’t have flunked Dash’s essay. Now we’re gonna die here and—”
“Tucker!”
Sam grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him lightly. Their eyes met, both wide with incessant panic.
“Calm down,” she spoke slowly. Tucker gulped and nodded shakily.
“Okay, okay, yeah.”
“Breathe. You’re good with computers and stuff, right?”
Tucker scoffed, but more in a self-deprecative way rather than an offended one.
“Sure am. It’s what gets me in trouble, isn’t it?”
Sam shook him again.
“Forget that. We need good with computers. The Fentons were notorious for their unorthodox advancements in technology. Supposedly had patents on really futuristic shit. Most of it buried, obviously. But they were good enough that their security system still activates nearly twenty years after their departure.”
Ridiculously good, she thought bitterly.
There was a moment of weighted silence as they looked around the house. The lights, the rusted yet intact panels over the windows. It was eerily quiet. She stepped a bit closer to Tucker, who thankfully didn’t say anything about it.
“Yeah, alright, okay,” he muttered to himself before clearing his throat. “The-there should be, uh, a circuit breaker somewhere. We could cut off the power—”
“Won’t work,” Sam stated, eyes furtively glancing around them. She had the weirdest sensation they were being watched. “The town cut the power away from the Fenton House ages ago. It runs on some kind of external power source, but nobody knows what.”
Sam kinda hoped they didn’t get to find out.
“Shit. Man, what the fuck. Who the fuck were these people?”
Sam let out a manic sort of laugh. The hysteria was boiling up in her like toxic chemicals.
“Do you want the short answer or the long one?”
“I have a feeling we’re gonna be here a while. Long answer?”
A pause.
“We should find a way out.”
“Yeah.”
Neither of them moved an inch. They stood in the middle of the living room. A trashed one at that. Although, looking closely from where they were, the whole house looked trashed. Wasn’t the place SWATted?
She spotted a flash of green in the hallway, right there in the corner of her eye, and snapped her head towards it with a small gasp. There was nothing there.
“Hey,” Tucker said softly. “Let’s check out the windows for loose panels or something and you can tell me about the Fentons’ own loose panels.”
Her mouth went dry, but she nodded.
“Sounds good, yeah. So, uh, what do you know about the Fentons?”
Tucker shrugged and went towards the first window, by the door. Sam followed closely by. He didn’t mention it.
“What everyone else knows. Mad scientists who went so crazy after their son’s disappearance that they tried to summon him from the afterlife. They got so obsessed that they never left the house and just, died here, waiting for their son to come back. Pretty sad.”
That window was a bust. So was the next, as well as the door. They ventured into the hallway. There were a few square and rectangle imprints on the walls, but only one hanging frame left. With a picture. Hands shaking, Sam reached up and snagged the picture from where it was, careful not to cut herself on what was left of the glass.
It was a family picture. A wall of a man stood at the back with a practiced, dashing smile. To his left and a little below him was a woman with short, bright red hair. They were both in brightly colored hazmat suits, goggles hanging around their necks.
In front of them were two teens. A girl with bright red hair as well, but styled much longer. Next to her was a boy, younger and slightly shorter than her, with black hair. They were all smiling wide and bright, except for the boy. His was more hesitant, not quite reaching his eyes.
Sam pointed at the young girl.
“Did you know the Fentons had a daughter, too?”
Tucker’s eyebrows went up slightly.
“No… Something tells me I won’t like why.”
“You won’t. Um, kitchen?”
Sam saw another green flash and was anxious to get away from it. They bee-lined to the kitchen, and Tucker checked the windows there.
“So… There’s a few things you got right. The Fentons—” Sam pointed at the two adults in the picture “—were renowned scientists. They did some impressive breakthroughs. Like the kind they still teach in universities, but with a disclaimer attached. The more they went into their work, though, the more obsessed they got…” she trailed off in a whisper, tensing.
The house was creaking.
Tucker stopped in his tracks, too, eyes wide but lips pressed tightly together.
Nothing happened. The house stopped creaking.
Tucker let out a slow breath, eyeing the cabinets.
“Think there’s anything edible left around?”
She glared at him sharply.
“If you open any fridge or cabinet doors, I’m leaving you here alone. This place is bad enough, we don’t need to add rats or rotted food to the list.”
Tucker pouted but conceded.
“Fine, I’ll just starve. Keep telling me about the creepy doctors and their stupid creepy house while we check upstairs.”
Sam sighed in temporary relief. She didn’t think she could handle seeing a fridge full of maggots. Even if it has been almost twenty years.
They continued up the stairs, carefully, and Sam went on with the Fenton tragedy.
“The Fentons started growing obsessed with other dimensions. Specifically… the afterlife, and its inhabitants.”
“Like… ghosts?”
Sam nodded.
“Exactly like. They became convinced they could create a doorway into the afterlife, at the cost of their reputation. They got ostracized by the academic community once they started referring to themselves as ‘ecto-scientists’.”
“Yeah, who wouldn’t. Bunch’a wackos,” Tucker muttered as they ventured into an organized room with cool colors. Light blue walls, light green bed sheets coated in blankets of dust, so the only reason Sam knew they were light green was because she’s seen pictures of what the room looked like twenty years ago. She ignored the uneven pattern of small dark spots on the wall.
It was the girl’s room. Jasmine Fenton’s.
Tucker went straight for the window, but Sam hung back near the entrance.
“They didn’t actually open a doorway, right?”
His voice broker her out of her thoughts. She blinked.
“Hm? Oh, uh, allegedly, yeah.”
This house probably sat on an open portal. There probably was an infestation of something murderous in it. Sam shook the thought away. She’ll drive herself crazy worrying about that.
“Supposedly,” she continued. “The doorway was one of their patents. They had the science backing it up and everything. But they… There were rumors, around the time the supposedly opened the doorway, that there was an accident in the house involving their youngest. Daniel Fenton.”
Tucker frowned at the blocked window. A bust. They made their way to the next room. A queen bed bare of any bedsheets, and a large chest of drawers with an equally large mirror attached to it. The Fentons’ room. It had an extra window.
“What happened to Daniel?”
Sam shuddered, goosebumps breaking out across her arms. The room got colder, so much colder than it had been. A soft crackling sound broke out, like frost taking over with a vengeance. She opened her mouth to speak but her breath got stuck in her throat.
She closed her mouth. Breathe. Another flash of green, this one brighter than the others. Breathe. It was so cold, her teeth started chattering.
“T-t-t-tucker—”
“Y-ye-yeah, I’m-m ignoring it,” he said simply, tugging at the panels.
Fuck, how can he ignore this. Sam was so uncomfortable, consumed by such a sudden unease, she wanted to claw off her skin. She tried to ignore it anyways.
“Daniel— jesus I’m freezing —he was out of school a couple of days after neighbors heard a scream. That same night, the power went out in the whole town, except for the Fenton House.”
The freezing cold seeped away, leaving behind a frost pattern that didn’t melt on the mirror despite the warming room. Sam blew out a breath, sending out a silent thanks.
She frowned, unsure why she did that.
“A lot of people theorize,” she went in, rubbing the remaining cold in her fingertips away. “That one of two things happened that night. One, a backfired experiment drove the Fentons all the way crazy to the point that they started experimenting on both their kids, thinking they were ghosts.”
“Wait, both of—”
“Two, Daniel died because of said backfired experiment and his parents somehow managed to either bring him or his ghost back.”
None of the windows opened. They started for the next room.
“That’s… actually insane. And what do you mean, both their kids?” Tucker stopped for a moment, meeting Sam’s eyes.
“Did something happen to their daughter, too?”
Sam pressed her lips into a thin line. That’s the part rarely anyone knew about the Fenton horrors. Daniel wasn’t their only kid. He certainly wasn’t their only victim.
“I’ll get there,” she replied instead, looking away. “It only gets worse.”
“Christ,” he muttered.
They walked onwards.
“A couple of weeks after that, Daniel disappeared. But in those weeks, the Fentons became obsessive, borderline manic, with ghosts. Their nature, their morality. How to trap them, contain them… kill them.”
They were nearing then end of the hallway, where the last room was.
Tucker shuddered, sporting his own goosebumps.
“I don’t like the way you said that.”
Sam grimaced, sticking close to him once more.
“Yeah, it’s pretty bad. What’s worse, the Fentons called off the search party after just one night. They claimed they didn’t want false hope, they just wanted to lay their son to rest. They buried an empty casket, and Daniel hadn’t even been missing three full days.”
Her voice was hollow.
“Shit. They…”
“Killed their own son because they were convinced he was a ghost? Most likely,” she said bitterly. As far as true crime went, Amity Park’s dark secret was the worst she’s ever read.
Neither said a word. For one long minute, intentionally or not, they remained quiet, mulling over the terror a kid must feel when they realize their own parents saw them as something to be killed. And to think, they were standing in the house where it happened. Where two parents killed their son. Allegedly.
And their daughter…
As if reading her mind, Tucker quietly asked, “What about the girl? It gets worse doesn’t it?”
Sam swallowed, her mouth dry and throat sore.
“They—” she sighed. “After their son ‘becoming a ghost’, they got paranoid. Extremely so. If one of their kids was a ghost… They couldn’t stand the idea of having an imposter in their own home. There were reports of screams two nights after the funeral. Like, really awful screaming that went on for nearly an hour, I think. Authorities broke into the house after multiple calls to find the Fentons in the basement and their daughter on a table just… cut open. She died before the paramedics could get to her.”
Again, neither said another word. Sam wished she’d run faster. Hit Dash harder. This house was tainted in blood and betrayal.
Tucker clutched at his chest and Sam realized his breathing was short and sparse. Crap.
“Tucker—”
“I fucking,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. “Hate that we’re here. We’re trapped in like they were, but they— Fuck, they were kids. Their kids. Who does that.”
“Tucker, breathe,” Sam insisted lowly, placing a hand on his shoulder.
He nodded, but only got a few gasps of air.
“I’ve been t-trying to hold it together but I just can’t— what if we can’t find a way out. What if we die here.”
“We’re not gonna die here,” she stated fiercely despite being unsure of it herself. “If the windows are a no go then we’ll just find a way to deactivate the security system, okay? We’ll be fine.”
Tucker nodded again, quiet.
It took another few minutes until he finally got his breathing under control. Sam squeezed his arm comfortingly, giving him a small smile. They’ll make it.
He returned the smile without a word and turned to the last room. They had windows to check.
She suspected it was Daniel’s room. It was the only one they hadn’t seen yet. Tucker tried to turn the knob but it didn’t budge. She frowned. Weird… thinking about it, all the other rooms had been wide open.
“Rusted?”
Tucker shook his head, shaking off another involuntary shudder. Sam suppressed her own. It was getting colder again. Tucker tried again to open it. No dice. The knob wasn’t budging. He let go of it, hissing through his teeth as he rubbed his hands together.
“The metal is freezing. It, uh, must be something with the heating.”
Sam gave it a try and immediately drew her hand back. Freezing was an understatement. A second longer and she would’ve gotten the world’s worst case of freezer burn.
“Tucker, I don’t think we’re allowed to go in this room,” she whispered, hugging herself to keep warm.
He gave her a look like she was crazy.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That’s Daniel Fenton’s room. All the other rooms were open but this one—”
“—is locked.”
“No. Look at the handle. There’s literal frost on it. There was frost on the mirror in the other room, too. I think—”
“If you say ghost.”
Sam glared at him.
“After everything I told you. Scratch that, haven’t you been feeling all the weird stuff in this house? The creaking, the frankly extreme cold spots, the fucking creepy green light!”
Tucker’s eyes went wide at that, mouth dropping open.
“I-I didn’t think you could see them. But that— that doesn’t mean—”
The house gave a violent creak, causing the floor to rumble threateningly. The temperature dropped drastically, covering the entire hallway in a light frost.
Sam’s teeth immediately started chattering from the cold.
“This is too much,” Tucker whispers, that underlying panic settling back in.
Impossibly, finally finally finally, they both saw the green flash at the other end of the hallway, flickering desperately before disappearing.
“Tuck,” Sam let out, mesmerized, overtaken by the overwhelming urge to follow that light. An itch she had to scratch, to claw at until it broke open. “He’s here.”
She didn’t know how she knew that, but she’s never spoken truer words. This she knew with absolute certainty.
“Sam.”
He was struggling not to fall for the light, but he couldn’t ignore this forever. Sam thought he’d be an idiot to do so.
She moved forward without another word. Shortly, she heard Tucker follow after.
When they reached the stairs, another flash of light burst to life at the landing, flickering that desperate staccato.
They continued to quietly follow the light wherever it appeared. It led them down the hallway of missing picture frames. Sam clutched the picture in her pocket. They reached a closed door. It was colder in this area, but the door knob was warm. It opened easily to reveal stairs to a basement showered in white fluorescent lights.
They went down the stairs with no hesitation, following that green light that was growing more and more desperate with each step they took. At the bottom, they were greeted by an empty expanse of white floor.
There were various metal tables, but all devoid of any machines or materials that one would expect in a lab. Because no doubt that’s what this basement was. There were discarded cords and metal scraps scattered across the room. But most notably, there was a large, round arch-like structure at the center of the furthermost wall. It was huge, its top scraping the basement ceiling. It had an indent, with two metal panels that interlocked in the center. As if it were a… door.
“Sam… is that—”
“Tucker, look.”
The little flash of green stopped by a blue button on the wall. It flickered swiftly, faster than any of the other times before it went out entirely.
They stayed there, standing, for a moment.
“Are we… are we about to find a dead kid’s twenty-year-old decayed corpse?”
Sam nodded shakily, not believing it either.
“I think so.”
They still didn’t move. God, it was so cold. She couldn’t feel her fingertips.
“What if something happens to us?”
“The thought crossed my mind.”
Two dead people found in the house during its abandonment. Three missing.
“And?”
She looked back at him, a soft smile edging its way onto her face.
“He deserves to rest. Doesn’t he?”
Tucker glanced between the blue button and the closed, arch-like door. Determination set into his features. He nodded.
They went towards the button. Tucker settled his hand over it first, Sam placing her hand over his. Their eyes met.
“This had to have been the world’s worst nap.”
Sam snorted and pressed his hand onto the button. The technology down here must be in better conditions because the effect was instantaneous. Concrete scraped against concrete as a rectangular hole opened up in the center of the lab.
From where they were, they could see it. A homemade metal casket that weirdly resembled more of an iron maiden. They found him. Daniel Fenton. He could finally, truly rest.
That’s when the pounding began.
Sam and Tucker turned to each other in horror. She felt a visceral tug in her gut she nearly threw up then and there. Instead she ran to the metal casket, dropping to the ground halfway there so she slid across the floor. The pounding grew louder, and it was definitely coming from inside. Tucker was frozen stuck by the button.
It only gets worse.
A faint sound, behind all the pounding. Sam leaned closer, listening. Her stomach dropped. Her head snapped towards Tucker, eyes a desperate frenzy.
“He’s crying. He- He’s still- o-oh my g- Tucker, help me get him out!”
This broke him out of his horrified stupor and he kneeled on the ground next to her. His hands were shaking.
“What do we do? What do we do?”
“Fuck, idunnoidunno- uh, grab, shit, shit, go to the other side. Maybe we can lift the lid.”
Stumbling, trembling, Tucker did as he was told and crawled to the other side. But he saw what was on the lid. Fuck.
“There’s a lick. Sam, it’s locked.”
She looked back up at him on the verge of tears.
“What! No, no it can’t be- it—”
“Just, hold on. I’m gonna go back upstairs. Maybe there’s something we can use. I’ll be back, I promise.”
She got the feeling he wasn’t really talking to her. The pounding quieted down but there was a muffled sound. A strained whimper.
“Shit,” Tucker whispered before running out and up the stairs.
Sam sniffled and laid a hand in on the biting cold metal of the casket.
“We’re gonna get you out,” she whispered, wiping at the tears streaming uncontrollably down her face. “I don’t really understand how this is even possible, but we’re not gonna leave you here.”
There wasn’t a response. Not a whimper or a knock. She was gripped by the fear that maybe they were too late. Twenty years buried and they were five minutes too late.
Tucker came stomping down the stairs, taking two at a time. She looked up to see he had an honest-to-god metal bat in his hands. Fully intact and not rusted at all. His hat was askew and his eyes seemed wild.
“He- he helped me find it. Nearly ran all over the house,” he said, panting heavily.
“Hurry up and break it,” she begged, not bothering to disguise the desperation in her voice.
Without another word, Tucker aimed the thicker end of the bat downwards and plunged it against the lock.
It broke apart with a resound clang.
“Help me with—”
But Sam was already crossing to where he was. Kneeling, side by side, they gripped the edges of the casket and lifted. A cloud of freezing cold air puffed up, obscuring their vision for a few seconds. They couldn’t see if they really did save a boy’s life, or if it was just his corpse playing tricks on them. But they heard heavy breathing coming from rattling lungs and not from either of them.
They’d both been holding their breaths.
The cloud dispersed. In front of them lay a young boy with matted white hair, brilliant green eyes drowning in tears and a grotesque muzzle caked from within with old and fresh blood. Metal clinked against metal. His wrists were chained to the casket. His knees scraped and bloodied from banging on the lid.
Tucker immediately removed the muzzle, which thankfully wasn’t locked. Sam’s heart broke. Shattered. The boy’s cheeks were caked, blanketed, with that same mixture of blood, his lips horribly scarred.
He sobbed, screwing his eyes shut against the bright lights.
“Thank you,” he rasped. His voice scraped against his throat.
Tucker and Sam held his hand. They cried with him.
“You’re safe with us.”
He always would be.
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icterid-rubus · 2 days ago
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I’ve got a bizarre and predictable cycle of making friends getting very excited about hanging out and seeing them a lot and then becoming terrified and tired of hanging out and it’s annoying
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i will never forget the time I was hanging out with two other people who were new friends and they were like "let's do a sonic fandub" and one of them started looking up sonic game footage on youtube for us to dub while we discussed who would speak for who and we decided I'd voice tails. But also I knew nothing about sonic at the time, i'd only seen the snapcube fandubs because I'd heard they were good and funny, I didn't know the plot or characters very well. I couldn't remember what they sounded like so while the other two started to say silly things in sonic and amy's voices I asked "what does tails sound like again?" And I was laughing because I was embarrassed and also shocked by how quickly they had started commiting to the bit of trying to do some voice acting and my friend just said "he sounds like a twink" and I could not stop laughing and I could not take the idea seriously and I just told them that I couldn't do the voice oops. And so we moved onto a different topic pretty quickly and just enjoyed the pizza we had while we waited for our other three friends to get back from the store
anyways all of this is to say that Tails is NOT a twink, he is an 8 year old little boy and my friend was misguided.
#Can you tell that I'm mentally unwell and also that I had a falling out with these friends and also that I miss them dearly#I actually went to see the sonic 3 movie today on christmas day and I saw a group of people that I know- one guy in the group was one of#The three that was at the store while we were doing the dub. I had a falling out with all five of those friends after that.#That day was really great. It was like a year ago now. I feel like that was the first time where I was really vulnerable with friends#And I had never been so honest about my interests and thoughts before with a group of people and it. It was nice. But after that day it...#I think it was all my fault. Or at least mostly my fault. I was honest with them but no one else#So I couldn't accept the truth of myself and I wasn't ready for everyone i know to know me that way so I tried to hide it and ignore it#And in doing so I stopped being honest with them and I started avoiding them. And I regret it. I could have just been a weirdo with them#I could have spent every tuesday afternoon hanging out and talking about life with them over pizza. But instead I ran away.#And of course they kept asking about me and wondering why I was being weird but I couldn't face it. And I kept running away#And they kept trying to chase after me. I even left for like two months and completely went no contact and no explanation#But then I came back because I had nowhere else to go and it... it was so awkward. It was too much. And now I'm overthinking#everything. I was so jealous of them. All of them. And when I got to be friend with them it was too much for me. My brain couldn't accept i#I'm not allowed to be happy unless it's in secret. That's what my brain thinks#That's the mantra I've been living by recently. For like the past 3-5 years. That's just how I was raised I suppose#Um. Oops I ranted too much in the tags. Sorry if you read all of this. But also thank you if you did. I hope you're well#Rant in tags#rant#personal#Why is this literally just my journal. Goodness gracious#I'm so sorry. Everything I post here is like completely dumb and irrelevant and stupid and pointless and matters very little.#I am just mentally unwell and I can barely think clearly. I am sorry. I hope you look elsewhere for actually important or meaningful words#Dang I just had a dramatic soundtrack melody start playing in my head but I have no idea where this song is from or what it's called. Damn
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daybreakrising · 16 days ago
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@resolutepath: "What if they kissed?" ( childe and zhongli )
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There is a quiet ambiance within the office at the back of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, dimly lit in the glow of the lamps within, an aroma of incense and floral tea hanging in the air. For once, there is no paperwork awaiting attention upon the desk that sits centre stage - merely a teacup, half-drunk, sitting in its saucer as the liquid within continues to lightly steam.
A second cup, still mostly full, waits patiently for the attention of its recipient on the tea tray beside the desk, where a pot continues to steep, providing the floral fragrance that mingles sweetly with the incense. Golden amber eyes settle upon the man who stands at the window, his back turned to the room - the man who has stood there for the past few minutes in complete silence.
But it is not a frigid silence. There is far less of the tension that once held them in a vice, in fact he might even go so far as to say it had been eradicated entirely. At the very least, it feels more akin to their relationship before - and that, more than anything, means a great deal to him.
As he studies the silhouette against the window, he considers all that has changed between them. He still cannot divulge all the information, cannot answer every question that might be upon the harbinger's lips - he signed a contract, after all, and he cannot (will not) break it - but there is an understanding between them that, one day, he will tell him everything, if he is still able to. Every future is uncertain, after all. They met as Zhongli and Childe; they know each other now beyond that; as Rex Lapis and Ajax, parts of themselves they no longer lay claim to. There are few around which he can shed his mortal disguise, few he can be himself with, without the need to watch his tongue, to guard against that which would give him away. And it is freeing.
He drains the tea from his cup and then rises slowly, quietly, from his chair. The cup is replaced upon the saucer with a soft clink of china, a sound impossibly loud in the otherwise silent room. Then comes another sound - a whisper of cloth as a pair of gloves are stripped and discarded upon the table; a heavier shift as a coat is shed and draped upon the back of a vacant chair.
With easy strides he moves to stand beside Tartaglia at the window, joining him in staring out at the city beyond. It is lively on the street outside, the muted sounds of voices, of laughter, filtering through to this quiet corner. Given the hour, people will be heading home from work, or joining their fellows for food or drink. There is life happening beyond these walls.
"Liyue Harbour is always so vibrant at night, do you not think?" He leans forward, forearms crossed as they rest upon the sill - forearms that now sit exposed to the eye, shirtsleeves rolled to his elbows. Charcoal black skin fades gradually into a shade of gold not dissimilar to that of his eyes; geometric lines stretch from elbow to wrist.
Whilst it is likely that the harbinger has viewed artwork depicting the Geo Archon before, he certainly hasn't seen it in the flesh before.
"I stand here, sometimes, and watch the people go by." He continues as if this is not some key moment in their relationship, as if he has not just opened a door that was previously closed to the man beside him. I cannot share everything, he seems to be saying with this gesture, but I can share all of who I truly am. "Just as I used to do from the mountains above the city, before I began to walk amongst them. I do return there, from time to time. It is quite a spectacular view. Perhaps I can show you one day?"
He straightens, turns to face Tartaglia, his back to the window and the world beyond. Again, this is a deliberate move - his focus, his only focus, is now upon the man at his side. His head tilts lightly to the side, amber eyes warming, softening, as he admires the way the gentle, almost delicate light catches upon his skin, turns his hair to flame.
There was a distance, before, that he placed between them. How could he ask anything of someone when he could not be himself with them? It would have been unfair - and how could he have been sure that it was not simply the lie that drew them together? But that distance is no longer a necessity. Tartaglia knows his truth now, and they are at last on a far more even playing field.
I have hurt you, he wants to say, and I am sorry for it. But it has already been said, unspoken in the small but meaningful gestures he has made, and he has been forgiven, at least to a degree - else he would not be standing here with him now. There is more he wants to say, too, but words simply cannot do the matter justice. So, instead, he relies once more upon gestures alone.
His hand lifts; fingers skim lightly along the sharp line of Tartaglia's jaw as golden eyes watch his face carefully for his reaction. At the first hint of discomfort, of uncertainty, he will retreat at once - but the slight tense of muscles he feels does not give him any sense that his touch is unwanted, more that he is simply surprised.
Emboldened, his fingers lightly grasp the harbinger's chin, guiding him to him as he breaches past an invisible boundary he once placed around Tartaglia, a boundary that - for the moment at least - exists no more. Amber touches ocean depths as their gazes meet, hold, and he searches for any hesitation, any rejection. Tell me to stop, and I will, his own eyes say.
But no words are uttered, and Tartaglia does not pull away; if anything, he detects the faintest lean into the hand that now glides to cradle his cheek. It is an invitation, no - a challenge. He sees it in the way his eyes relax into a familiar expression, a subtle gleam he associates only with the harbinger's own brand of mischief. Do it, then, he knows him to be saying.
The first touch of their lips is light, experimental, but he is quickly powerless to the pull he feels within his chest. Fingers slide into copper strands as he gives in to the desire to hold him close, as his kiss deepens, as the bindings he wound so tightly around his heart snap and release, leaving him open and vulnerable in a way he has not allowed himself to be in so, so long-
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But he cannot give too much too soon, lest this still shaky ground beneath them grow too unstable to support them. He reins in his heart's desire, withdraws just enough to give Tartaglia room to breathe, but he cannot yet release his hold upon him. The harbinger has given him a mile, but he will only take an inch.
Words, as always, are unnecessary, but he is compelled to speak nonetheless. His lips curve into a smile, gentle and serene. "Can I interest you in some wine, perhaps? You've hardly touched your tea."
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thefrogdalorian · 11 months ago
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I'm working on a little Din x reader oneshot for Valentine's Day and I can't wait to share it 👀!! I'm finally going to fulfil a solemn duty as a Din writer by having a fic set on Naboo. That whole planet is just made for a romantic getaway, I swear.
Anyway it's entirely fuelled by listening to Across The Stars on repeat and slight deliriousness induced by my head cold lol. I'm excited to post it tomorrow!!
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spaghetti-doodles · 8 months ago
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Broke: the dreams about my three cats that have died this year are bad dreams that make me really sad
Woke: my kitties loved me very much and are visiting me in my dreams to let me know they're okay now
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ljubimaya · 5 months ago
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Maybe if I go to sleep now I could have enough energy to write and do other productive stuff tomorrow
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monstrsball · 2 years ago
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do you ever just. hurt your own feelings.
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keeps-ache · 1 year ago
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[stares at you but it actually looking behind you] do you think moths would like to drive cars
#just me hi#they HAVE the lights#they have the Power !!!#eh but i think they would be terrible drivers hvfbsh#not that they wouldn't put any spirit into it - with the way they flit around they'd definitely get a kick out of driving (terribly)#but they'd get too flitty w/ it or at night get too distracted by other cars or their own car's lights. and then- GASP! tragedy..#or not. probably not hfhhsbc :)#i think snakes would Love to drive#i can't explain why. but they would be overjoyed#like rats !!#/rodents are scary but very darling in their own little way and i love them for that lol :D#when we lived in detroit we had a mouse problem that came and went every odd amount of years#and one year i had the small bedroom to myself (very sick) and 2018 was kind of hectic so nobody noticed when i'd stay up til like 4 a.m. o#the ~+~net~+~ (pinterest + google music (rip google music i miss you so bad lmao <///3) (internet was very small to me))#but after some nights of that (i'd sit in a comfortable chair and curl my legs under me n just be like that for hours) there was. a Visitor#oh lords!! not a Visitor!!!.. it was a little mouse. small guy. tiny man#but he was Scary to me so i threw some things in front of him and he got spooked and ran away#well. eventually that stopped working lmao. so he came All the way out and walked around my chair. then went back to his little house#(wherever that was) and the same thing was repeated for every night after that#eventually i got used to it and just never put my feet on the floor. we did not bother each other and i named him Steven#one night i tossed him an apple core because if he's gonna be doing this and i'm not gonna be doing anything i might as well feed him.#my mouse now. well. not really cuz after that he Never showed up again ????#steven what the heck???? for real?????? anyway. that is the story of steven lol#i hope his little mouse friends in the attic had a good christmas :)
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krispiecake · 2 years ago
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i will never forget u two <3
#tumblr wont let me reply to anyone on my posts but i wanna say thank you to the people who replied to it#skylo (the smaller one) passed away in 2021 and putting lupus down on monday is just so hard#like these are my BABIES you know they were my first real childhood pets#skylo was 13 when she passed and lupus is 15! they got so old especially for dalmations snd they had wonderful lives#they were so sweet and so caring with all my siblings as they grew from babies to toddlers to now#ive got these pictures of my youngest sister just hanging off both of their necks and climbing them#and they were always so wonderful with them#one of my sisters played connect the dots of my lupus once and it took AGES to get all the pen off him#skylo once knocked a fence panel out with her forehead because she ran so fast for a pigeon and didnt stop in time#they were each other’s best friends#and skylo would always sprawl out and take all the space so lupus had to curl up in a little ball#i remember when this started getting bad for me and i would stay home from school#when i got the house to myself or really late at night when i couldnt sleep i would let the dogs up on the sofa#even though they were never allowed on there#and i would sit in the middle witb each on one side both their heads on my lap#or i would lay on the sofa in an s shape and one would sit behind my legs and one would sit in front of my chest#god im gonna miss them both so fucking much like i grew up with these dogs#losing skylo was so hard#im gonna cry so so much#but we’re gonna take him on a walk in the woods or in the river#and we’re gonna get him pigs ears because those are his favourite treat#and im gonna sit with him all day when i go back home on sunday#and hes gonna know he is so loved and treasured just like skylo knew
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luci-hemwin-evanson · 2 years ago
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one of the things that will forever hunt me and make me feel bad about myself its the fact that I know the whole fcking backstory of the "I dont fit in and I dont wanna fit it, Im weird, Imma weirdo, have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on?" scene
I feel so bad, like I cant believe it, like people dont have to know I watched it when it came out but I know it and I feel sorry for my soul
it really gets me down
(sorry for the multiple missspelled words in the tags, Its late and I didnt doble check and Im tired and I dont think I cant re write all of that)
#like Ive been watching fcking tiktok compilations on youtube which is sad enough but everytime that clip comes out I feel such sorrow#I want to die#I mean cry#I want to cry#I feel so bad for myself#I cant believe I liked that#riverdale#jughead jones#being a riverdale fan back in the day its my biggest darkest secrets#it will haunt me forever#if someone ever gives me the chance to erase something from my brain I will not hesitate Ill beg them to delete any detail of riverdale#thats coming from someone who stopped watching after episode 3 of season 3 maybe#like you know that scene from stranger things where theyre burning the upside down tunnels thats what I want them to do in my brain w river#“i wish I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things” but its riverdale#its not a break up its just deep deep regret and hours and years of my life I'll never get back and will haunt me forever#like that episode of Sonny with a chance where they go to public school#thats how riverdale memories make me feel#one of the scenes that will haunt me forever its Betty seeing her mom and sister about to burn her niece and nephew for a ritual#and thats bc I decided that was my last straw and ran away as fast as I could from that show and now I'll never know what happens afterward#trapped depressed ansious thats how that Sonny w a chance ep & Riverdale make me feel#also strime cringe#like Cherryl pigblood Josie stalker ???? WHY DID NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT THAT EPISODE AGAIN???? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??#THAT LET ME DEEPLY DISTURBED STRIMLY SCARED#AND THE GUY NEVER HEARD BACK FROM JOSIE BC CHERRYL TOLD HER HE DID THAT? AND SHE KEEP BEING FRIENDS W CHERRYL#The fact that they used to air this episodes at the same time that in the US but in my country it was between 12 & 1 am#I HAD TO GO TO BED AFTER THAT!
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coloursofaparadox · 1 year ago
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mm
#i miss my dog#long story short my first baby that was my own was a puppy that i adopted with my ex#her name is Sarah and she was a rottie/german sheperd mix and was absolutely beautiful#and since ex was recovering from surgery when we got her i raised her from a baby#and did all her training and took her out to parks and new places and just totally threw myself into taking care of her#she was so well trained and so sweet and so nervous all the time. i worked on confidence building with her and she trusted me so much#she listened to me over anyone else and ran to hide behind me when she was anxious and would let me do things she wouldnt let anyone elsedo#and then. of course. when we split up my ex took her with her.#i got the second puppy we'd been raising for a few months at that point.#her logic was that she picked Sarah out so she was hers and I picked Lucas out so he was mine#and it's not that I don't love him but I miss that dog so so much. she's reactive and hard to deal with and my ex just. never dealt with it#when we were together i was the one working on it and taking her out in public even though it was hard and walking her#so i know shes not getting the kind of care she needs. which makes it even fucking harder.#just. im trying to love the dog that I have and i do love him. i do! but she was my baby and i miss her so so much and i know shes not okay#ive been trying to give myself grace and know that i wont have as much of a bond with Lucas as i did with her right away and thats okay#but i know that i resent it a little bit every time im reminded that he's not her. and its going away#but slowly. and im trying to lean into doing the kind of things i did with her like training and confidence building and bonding#but ive been avoiding it because it makes me sad every time. but the lil fucker deserves better. and he needs some manners.#so im gonna work through it and just. do it with him. treat him with as much love as i did her when she was growing up.#itll either get better with time or it wont and ill deal with it when i get to it#but fuck do i miss her so much
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dxsertrot · 10 months ago
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Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it
#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work#i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog#the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick#it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need#im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have#and i dont need anyone elses validation#things will come to me when im ready and its right#if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me#and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem#i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen#ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif#and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me#it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand#im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure#and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways#besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought#and ive done more than i ever anticipated#i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it#and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity#ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing#and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities#i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things#i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that#if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to#work at#and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things#its not that complicated and its not that messy#it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me
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