#but i like to think of him as having been taught to value control but by assassins so it's mixed up with violence in his head

[rottenpumpkin13]

A lovely group of people encouraged me to post this so fuck it !!

This is going to be a long post, bear with me, but I have a lot to get off my chest about Angeal. I’m starting with how people’s vitriol towards his character completely glosses over the trauma he endured within the game alone.

I understand that Crisis Core is a flawed game where characters like Genesis, Angeal, and even Zack didn’t translate on screen as well as they could have due to areas of weak writing and the context lost during localization into English. But at the same time, there are aspects of the game—background details—that shed light on why characters act the way they do and this is especially true in Angeal’s case.

Angeal is a character shaped not only by his upbringing in poverty, but also by the heavy emotional burden of depression and the disillusionment that follows his discovery of his origins. His actions might seem erratic or morally ambiguous on the surface, but they’re rooted in his mentality shaped by poverty, the ideals he built to survive it, and the eventual crumbling of those ideals.

When someone is raised poor—in Angeal's case, poor enough where it's implied that they didn't have enough to eat—they grow up with a scarcity mindset that comes with a sense of hyper-responsibility veered towards survival.

We know his father passed from exhaustion, working hard to pay off the Buster Sword, so we get the sense that him witnessing his parents work hard made him internalize the notion that he must work hard both to survive and to uphold honor at any cost.

Angeal’s preoccupation with the concept of honor is a direct reflection of his upbringing. Based on Gillian telling Zack in Banora that the Buster Sword represents their family’s honor, we understand that Angeal grew up being taught to value it. Without material wealth or privilege, Angeal built his identity around his ideals. He frequently reminds Zack that honor is the defining trait of a SOLDIER, showing how he clings to this concept to give his life meaning beyond his origins.

Growing up poor not only teaches you that you are undeserving of basic necessities, but it would teach Angeal to value stability and resources, no matter the moral compromises required to secure them. 

The opportunity to join SOLDIER and work for Shinra would've represented a way out of poverty. Shinra offered him a stable future and the means to provide for his mother (maybe even his father, though as I'm writing this, when Angeal's father died hasn't been revealed in the canon timeline. It's very possible that he also saw it as a way to provide and care for his sick father).

Using SOLDIER as a means to escape poverty—despite Hollander’s probable influence, let's be honest—likely became an underlying reason why Angeal didn’t abandon Shinra outright. In his mind, letting go of SOLDIER would mean letting things fall apart—losing resources, security, and a sense of control, which he was already losing with the desertion, the Genesis war, and the degradation.

This mindset also explains Angeal’s relationship with the sword his father gave him, as the Buster Sword represents the culmination of his ideals: hard work, honor, and the tools necessary for survival. But Angeal refuses to use the Buster Sword for fear of causing wear, tear, and rust.

Seeing his father lose his life over the sword, he resolved not to use it unless absolutely necessary, saving his resources until truly needed. It’s not that he’s stingy or nonsensical—this is textbook behavior for someone raised in poverty. He doesn’t want to waste or use up what’s valuable, especially knowing that his father died for it.

He's hyper-aware of his role in supporting others, and we can see this by his deep sense of responsibility toward Zack, like how he saved him in Wutai using the Buster Sword. When he says "You’re a little more important than my sword" I like to think that he means that, above all, he values the people he cares about.

However, the same ideals create tension within him the moment they crumble following his desertion. Not only his sense of honor, but as he learns the truth, his sense of self-worth begins to deteriorate and thus begins the downward spiral of not knowing how to reconcile his nature as a "monster" in his words, with being SOLDIER. 

Angeal’s depression is evident throughout Crisis Core, and the degradation of the Jenova cells mirrors the psychological and emotional degradation he experiences (literal implications aside).

The closer he gets to losing his body, the more he loses his sense of purpose and identity, not to mention how the honor he had built his life around was spoiled the minute the people who taught him that were his father, who turned out not to be his biological father at all, and his mother, who lied to him. His entire life. He starved for nothing and lost his father twice.

The depression Angeal experiences is compounded by the trauma of discovering the truth about his birth. Learning that he was created as part of Shinra's experiments, that his mother was complicit in these experiments, and that he is no more than a weapon for corporate interests leaves him rightfully betrayed. In fact, his reaction was tame in comparison to Genesis and Sephiroth.

His mother’s suicide further deepens his trauma and gives us the first major evidence of his suicidal ideation and severely unwell mental state: "My mother did not deserve to live, and neither does her son," which he says instead of explaining what happened/defending himself after Zack assumed he killed her.

This belief that he is unworthy of life stems directly from the revelation that his life was never truly his own but an engineered existence meant to serve Shinra's greed. This statement epitomizes his suicidal ideation, a declaration that he too is undeserving of life, both because of the role he played in perpetuating Shinra’s horrors and the labelling himself as a monster undeserving of life, an unnatural thing that needs to be purged from existence.

I can’t even begin to describe the magnitude of the revelation that the man whose ideals he built his life around, whom he believed was his father, isn’t his father at all but instead Hollander is, who his mother worked with to orchestrate everything that’s happening to him now

Mothers are a central theme in FF7’s world, with Jenova/Lucrecia being at the center of that and their actions’ influence over Sephiroth, but there’s also Cloud grieving his mother’s death at the hands of Sephiroth, Tifa believing that she would see her mother again if she climbed Mt. Nibel, Aerith watching Ifalna die and then being adopted by Elmyra, and so on. 

Gillian, from what we can tell, was loving and raised Angeal with care. She likely kissed him to bed each night, comforted and nurtured him in the way a devoted mother would. But the revelation of her involvement in the Jenova Project shattered everything Angeal believed about her. In Angeal's words, her "shame" became unbearable, and he saw her once nurturing presence as a facade hiding deeper lies. Her decision to take her own life after he confronted her about it added to Angeal’s trauma, reinforcing the belief that everything he held dear was built on deception. 

I like to think that there was a part of Angeal that carried the guilt of Genesis’ degradation. Maybe he thought that if he hadn’t come between them in the training room, Genesis would’ve been fine—(which I don’t think so. I think there’s a high chance Genesis would’ve gotten hurt either way and that would’ve triggered the degradation).

This is a topic for another time, but I don't think any singular person was to blame for the incident in the training room. They're all equally to blame without it being their fault, because none of them asked to be a part of the Jenova Project. It's ultimately Shinra's fault.

Angeal probably struggled with depression even before the events of Crisis Core. Poverty itself is a destructive force that can cause lasting psychological damage. It has a significant impact on mental health, just like how growing up under Hojo’s abuse and being controlled by Shinra had its effects on Sephiroth. It can and does lead to depression due to the mental, emotional, and often physical (hello, Angeal's father) exhaustion it causes. Even when someone escapes the instability, it still stays with you because by then, you've learned to live in a world that taught you that you didn't deserve to live in it unless you work hard.

And now Angeal doesn't want to live in it for other reasons.

Another thing @ilminnestrone pointed out to me (who, btw, huge shout out for beta’ing this post <3 ), is how his mental state was influenced by the culture of toxic masculinity within the military/ SOLDIER. Just like in the real world, the military environment at Shinra likely placed a heavy emphasis on masculinity, strength, stoicism, and left little to no room for vulnerability lest the operative in question was deemed weak and not at all befitting of the shallow profile of a hero Shinra capitalized on. 

In environments like these, Angeal is expected to always be in control, to suppress any emotional or mental struggles, and to uphold an image of unshakable resilience, especially when he was canonically considered to be the spiritual leader of SOLDIER.

This expectation of constant strength absolutely exacerbated whatever pre-existing struggle he had going on—circling back to how being raised in poverty has long lasting effects on mental health. Rather than being able to openly process his feelings about his degradation, his mother’s betrayal, Hollander being his real father, or where he fit in this new reality of his, he was still trapped in a role that demanded he shoulder everything in silence. 

Keep in mind that in a culture where admitting weakness is often seen as failure, Angeal’s (and Genesis’) deterioration would’ve been magnified tenfold by the toxic expectation that they maintain an appearance of unwavering strength. 

This combined with the rigid ideals Angeal built around honor and the nature of his job must’ve weighed on him for years. The mutation only exacerbated potential doubts that were already there. 

Angeal's actions in the narrative are not those of a clear-cut hero or villain. Instead he occupies an in-between space where his moral compass, traumatic experiences and actions inspired by his headspace constantly clash, which is what leads to his label as a hypocrite. 

His decision to defect from Shinra and join Genesis is not a simple act of betrayal but rather the result of his overwhelming internal conflict. On the one hand, he wants to get through to Genesis and help him, he's aware that Shinra has betrayed them, but on the other hand, his ingrained sense of duty and loyalty makes it difficult for him to fully break away from the organization and responsibilities he has like, for example, Zack.

He wants to do good but knows that his conception was not a product of good intentions. In his mind he's a monster being pulled in different directions at once. If anything, this is most realistic reaction to what he’s going through in the game. 

His behavior becomes erratic as he oscillates between opposing forces—one where he remains loyal to the values he once cherished, and another where he acknowledges the harsh truth— struggling to reconcile his identity as an honorable SOLDIER with a science experiment.

This moral ambivalence is a symptom of his deeper trauma, as he tries to cling to the remnants of his previous beliefs, which is why he’s still enforcing having dreams and honor despite his actions. 

Some dialogue from the game where Angeal acknowledges his headspace: 

Angeal: I need your help

Zack: Do you?

Angeal: 

Zack: Honestly, what are you thinking Angeal?

Angeal: I'm not really sure myself. At times I feel as if my mind is mired in fog. 

The scene where he sprouts his wing and jokes about being after world domination is another key glimpse into his mindset. At this point, the joke isn’t entirely a joke—it’s a reflection of his resignation to the role the degradation has cast him in. The line about a monster’s objective being world domination is a bitter acceptance of the fact that, in his mind, he has no choice but to fulfill the destiny that was engineered for him. 

He feels trapped. And yet when Zack compares him to an angel, his response is: "Then what should an angel fight for Zack? What do angels dream of?! Angels dream of one thing... To be human."

He wants the cure and the normalcy so badly, but in his mind, the "monstrosity" is something that sets him apart from humanity and a reminder that he is different, degraded, and no longer the man he once believed himself to be.

Angeal's ultimate decision to force Zack to kill him is the culmination of his depression and his struggle to reconcile his identity. He believes that his continued existence is something that needs to be purged, something that poses a danger to those around him, something that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

He wants to pass on the ideals of honor that he once held so dear, even if he feels unworthy of them himself. In his mind, the only way to regain some form of dignity is to die by the hand of someone who still embodies the values he once believed in. 

Zack as his student represents the purity of those ideals—untainted by the knowledge of Shinra's experiments and degradation. By having Zack end his life, Angeal seeks not only an escape from his torment but also a way to pass on his legacy to Zack.

His final words: "Protect your honor, always."

Angeal made his dreams clear earlier when he said that an angel's dream is to be human. When he dies, passing the Buster Sword to Zack is not only a way to protect his honor but also a fulfillment of that dream. At that moment, there's nothing more human than dying at the hands of someone else, rather than succumbing to degradation.

This act, while devastating (and yes, extremely traumatic for Zack), is consistent with the psychological profile of someone who has suffered long-term trauma, depression, and suicidal ideation. 

Might be controversial but at this point in the rant fuck it: Condemning Angeal’s choices shifts all the sympathy onto others while entirely overlooking the immense suffering he was enduring. People often focus on how his actions impact those around him—Zack, Sephiroth, and others—without ever considering what Angeal himself is going through. All the above mentioned, the shame, the suicidal thoughts brought on by the degradation and his subsequent actions to purge himself from existence, they’re all pushed aside in favor of examining how others are affected. Everyone was affected, yes, and Zack deserves all the sympathy in the world for what he was made to endure in Crisis Core.

But I feel like this erases Angeal’s pain and frames his ultimate decision as a betrayal rather than a desperate act of self-sacrifice driven by his own emotional struggles.

"Oh, but Angeal was a terrible friend, Angeal was a bad mentor, Angeal was a hypocrite." Here’s the thing: If you’re someone who sympathizes with Sephiroth for having a traumatic past that led to a mental breakdown and burning Nibelheim, if you understand Genesis’ destructive actions as a response to degradation, then you can sympathize with Angeal for his turmoil and his position in Crisis Core.  

Angeal’s spiral is rooted in a lifetime of hardship—from growing up in poverty to confronting the existential dread of his degradation. He wasn’t just a man falling apart. He was someone trying to uphold the honor he cherished, even as his world and his sense of self crumbled around him and forced that honor he held so dear became hollow. 

His actions make sense within the context of his mental state.

I'll end this by saying that this isn't a rant to defend his actions, but rather to defend the mental health aspect that may go overlooked when discussing Angeal, which is such an integral part of his character.

[moondirti]

i do think dark! gaz has a bit of a... complex about everything he does. a sort of hypocrisy, or sanctimonious attitude — the apollonian champion who'll scorn the sensuous for all but himself. it's a friction that started at work (as all things do, of course) but has gone so far as to infiltrate life beyond it, too.

toxicity. manipulation. isolation. dumbification.

perhaps non obvious to a stranger, nothing like the more flagrant quirks of his teammates. on a surface level, he's the only typical member of his task force. the charm he uses to cut through life used as a shortcut for the others. kyle is the one obliged to order drinks at every bar, or the shepherd to lead flightier birds into the overbearing mens' beds. who's told, repeatedly, how approachable and handsome and kind he is compared to them. that he sets himself apart, despite how equally sullied his hands are. despite the blood crusting beneath his fingernails, and the callus on his trigger finger. despite the sins he's committed fighting those with perfectly mirrored ledgers, trying to stop them from committing more by committing more.

and there's nothing to argue against, not really. spoor it back to basic, where they were taught to justify transgressions by the flag stamped over their arm — it's okay when he does something, because he's on the right side. thrust that ideology forward and it's quick to snowball. now nothing is off limits, not as long as he can justify it. and wouldn't he — decorated, promoted, hand-picked, college educated, admired, perceptive, quick witted, revered, moral, righteous kyle — have well founded grounds for everything he intends to do?

of course he does. he knows best, always.

you edge closer, and that ugliness starts to bare its teeth.

like dipping your toes into placid waters, surface undisturbed, only to be pulled under by leviathan itself. it's something that's been allowed- no, encouraged to grow. fed and fattened up, cleaving through the sea unchallenged. in every relationship, he will appoint himself as the moral arbitrator for your every action. that is, being respected means that everything you do will be picked apart. be ready to defend your decisions, because he's appraising them all. keeps an incisive eye on you, your health, your hobbies, your friends, your clothing, your sleep, your finances, etc... something i think he inherited from price and adapted for his own; though he won't control those aspects for you (at least, not directly), he'll expect you to live up to the expectations he holds.

— which are not the expectations he has for himself.

(sensualism, overconsumption, corruption, arrogance, indecency.

they're all on the cards for him, if he can warrant it.)

and why would they be? you're not him, not unless you prove you're on par, in time. kyle maintains a double standard, though he wouldn't necessarily call it that. he just can't expect you to prescribe the level of thought he does to everything, or do it with enough discretion. do you really dig into the full range of consequence, decide value based on utility? do you know to tally the calculus that determines right from wrong,

(to vindicate pain, you have to maximise happiness. perfectly simple, really. applies to most everything — from the way he bullies you into the relationship in the first place, by determining it's for your greater good, to how he prunes off your friends, one 'break up with him!' advocate at a time.)

or do you act on impulse, like so many of the brutes he's told he's better than?

he wouldn't blame you if you do.

nor would he end things, should you disappoint him.

but you see, having kyle lose faith in you is arguably worse.

to most, things look like they get better. even you're so easily fooled, at first. he's much gentler than he was before. his words no longer have that sharp edge to them, censure a dull knife tucked in the back of a drawer. if you trip or make a mistake, he'll shush the pleas rolling to the tip of your tongue, soft kisses placed over your eyes, cradling your trembling arm. if you succumb to any of your baser desires — like employing your vibrator in his absence, oblivious to the cameras he's installed around the house — he'll just come back home and wring a dozen more orgasms out of you, indulgent of the lust you're so brazen about.

however nice it is, you half expect the switch to flip at any moment; watching warily from the corner of your eye as he goes about his days, completely content to let you do whatever you want. things just feel wrong, thrown off kiler. like there's something going unsaid, or a piece you're misunderstanding. how someone can just shift like that — turn their back on the model they upheld for so long, seemingly overnight. it strikes you the wrong way. too good to be true, almost.

(undoubtedly.)

you finally understand once you voice your concerns.

because kyle refuses to hear you out, pouting condescendingly when you go on about how 'hard things used to be' and how you're 'worried about his change of heart.' (two very antithetical sentiments, he has to say.) doesn't answer any of your questions. rather, he coos softly at your cries, brushing the hair off your temple like one would do a beloved animal. those tears are too big for you, lovie. so silly worrying about complicated things like that. why don't you clear that little head for me before supper.

you're no longer regarded as human, at least not one worthy of deference. but that's just what you wanted, wasn't it? by being so negligent of what it takes to keep that status in his eyes. humans exhibit discipline, intelligence, order, routine. if you can't uphold what that entails, then—

well, you're no better than a pet.

(free range, at least.)

[hastalavistabyebye]

I've been thinking about it for quite some time (and it's a good thing my blog is so smol because a lotta people ain't going to like this) but we need to be honest for two seconds. Fox wouldn't be hated for killing Fives.

It's not the simple usual take on how Fox didn't fired right away and tried to calm Fives down first, how he was just doing his job. This is true but it goes deeper even.

The clones were taught how to deal with traitors.

We saw it with Rex when he met Cut Lawquane. He was faced with a deserter and his first reaction wasn't one of peaceful understanding at all, quite the contrary. Of course he let him go and live with his family in the end. (Interesting to note that there were no officer present too) But what's interesting is not the conclusion he made, but his instinctual, learned behavior : deserters = traitors = bad.

And during the Umbara arc, we saw that the clones also learned how to form a firing squad. They knew how to do that. Yes, in the end, again, they ended up letting their siblings live but there also was the aspect that they already doubt Krell's orders AND that this situation was clearly, stupidly unfair and wrong. And they didn't like nor trust the general himself already. So it was an easy order to go against. But then again what is interesting is that they knew how to do that.

The idea of the Vode not knowing or even being able to conceive shooting a brother, even less killing one, is very sweet but sadly not true. They are soldiers first, born and trained. They would not look kindly to traitors and deserters. They would also know how to court martial the formers, even (or maybe especially) if it's other clones.

All of this to say that Fox killing Fives after he tried to kill the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic ? The highest ranking person in the entire Republic ? And he was also armed, dangerous and out of control AND didn't listen to attempts at calming him. In all of those conditions, very little people would bat an eye to Fox taking those actions.

The only people that would hate Fox are the people close to Fives -Rex and Torrent, Cody and some of the 212th too maybe, by proxy, and Anakin. The Jedi would frown at this, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka maybe more than the rest and would be more affected, because they were close to Fives too.

But the rest of the GAR ? Well of course some won't see it with a kind eye because there's always people to tell you they would have done better, but globally they wouldn't mind so much. Because what Fox did was something they had been, in fact, trained for.

And even if there was a GAR/Guard divide, it wouldn't be this event that make everything goes from bad to worse. It might be one more critic on Fox, it might not be taken kindly. But in the end it would be more because it's Fox and they don't-like-Fox, more than the killing a brother part.

Okay this is longer than I thought it would be 😅 but my point still is : the Vode are soldiers first and foremost. They don't act under the same values and morals as us at all. They were trained to kill enemies of the Republic. If those enemies were among the Republic didn't change a thing. If those enemies were fellow clones didn't change a thing, they were trained to kill them too. So Fox only doing his job in that instant also means that a lot of other Clone Commanders would have done the very same as him. Maybe not all of them, sure (it can depend from their generals) (which Fox don't have from what we know). But maybe some of them wouldn't even have tried to resonate with Fives at all.

The point is : the GAR wouldn't have hate Fox for this. If they hated him, killing Fives wasn't the reason, nor even the starting point most likely.

[redsrooftopprincess]

hey so how do you think the bayverse boys would deal with a s/o where they stress bake or cook when they’re upset. The boys experience this for first time. Coming over and s/o has made too much food and is a 5 star chef, not cuz they were taught how to cook. They’ve just done this a lot for years that now they’re just good at it. “I forgot what I was upset about… there’s too much here. Wanna help me eat it all?”

As someone who used to have a stress baking problem I 1000% relate to this. 😅

Sweets

Gn reader x Individual Turtles

No warnings, just marshmallow fluff

It's been a rough week, one thing after another, and today you hit your limit. You don't even remember what did it, but whatever it was was the last straw, and when you get home, you go straight to the kitchen.

Eventually, it's pushing 3am and you look around you in desperation as you've finally run out of counter space.

Shit.

A sound behind you catches your attention...

Leo

"Uh-huh..." He says, looking around him in disbelief as you squeak and spin around. This was something he had not expected from you.

You fidget nervously, Leonardo values self restraint, especially in the face of heightened emotions. You were really hoping he wouldn't find out about this particular quirk.

"So... baking." He says, thoughtfully.

"Yeah..." You reply.

"Special occasion...?" He asks hesitantly, his eyes turning to you. He doesn't show it, but inside he's panicking that he's forgotten something. There's been some elevated gang activity lately, and they've been pulling double patrols. Fuck. He *swore* he'd never let you come second, how could he forget... whatever... today is? What the hell kind of boyfriend is he???

You shrug, trying to appear cool, but more embarrassed toward the end, "Bad week. I just kind of wanted to feel like I was in control of something... it may have gotten out of hand."

A crisp cool wash of relief floods his nervous system. He didn't let you down, and this he understands, the need to feel in control. He looks around at the sweet laden counters once more.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Better, mostly..." you admit, sheepishly.

He nods, looking down at you with that boyish smile, "Then baking seems to have worked." He gestures you with a hand towards the counter with a smirk, "Shall we sample the fruits of your frustration?"

You grin and his hand rests at the small of your back as he leads you to the closest counter. You laugh, sip wine, and sample pastries until morning, sending your boyfriend home just before sunrise with a large box of treats for the family.

Raph

"Wow," you hear from behind you, and you cringe before turning around. He's leaning against the door frame and surveying the warzone that's become of your kitchen.

His eyes finally land on you with a raised brow, "Something got you worked up, Sweetheart?"

Your face burns, "Just a shitty week," you say, embarassed.

He nods, looking around once more before pushing off off the door frame and striding over to you. He slips one hand around your waist and takes yours with the other, giving it a gentle squeeze. He looks down at you with a soft smile, "Feeling better?"

You shrug, trying to hide your smile "Yeah I guess,"

His eyes narrow and his smile becomes a smirk before he dips his head and attacks your neck, kissing and nuzzling, leaving you gasping and giggling.

"How 'bout now?" He asks, when he finally pulls back with a grin.

You nod, laughing, resting your head on his chest as he wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

"Good." He says, giving you one last squeeze before walking over to the cabinets to retrieve plates, and snatching a toothpick out of a pan au chocolat.

You send him home later with a sampling of each confection for everyone. They don't make it there.

Donnie

"New hyperfixation?" He asks, curiously as you squeak and spin around. He's standing there with his arms crossed over his chest looking around, impressed.

You shrug, "Stress."

He nods.

He walks over to you, kissing you on the forehead, "And now?"

You look around at the chaos, "Overwhelmed," you laugh uncomfortably.

A smirk turns his lip and you swear you see his eyes sparkle, "Does that mean... you might need help disposing of them?"

You grin and nod, relieved, "Yes, please."

He kisses you sweetly on the mouth before squeezing you once and releasing you.

He spends a few minutes separating out some treats that the others might like and packaging them up for later, and the remainder of the evening trying to ignore how good you smell covered in frosting. He fails.

He doesn't make it home.

Mikey

"Holy Shit, babe," you spin and see the love of your life standing behind you. Big blue eyes wide, he looks around the kitchen as you fidget in place.

He laughs gently at the chaos, "You know, I already think your perfect, you don't have to keep proving me right."

You're face grows hot as he walks up to you and kisses you sweetly before pulling back with a gentle look of concern, always hyper aware of your emotions, "You okay, Angel?"

"Yeah," you say, laughing lightly, "I don't even remember why I was upset anymore."

He beams down at you, "That's great! And now we have dessert!" He cups your cheeks in his hand, squishes them, and kisses you one more time, "How about I go boot up the PlayStation and we eat ourselves into a sugar coma till morning?"

You beam back up at him, pecking him on lips, "Now you're proving *me* right."

There are no leftovers.

......

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[hawkinsbnbg]

Everyone thought it was their little game, but it was more than what it appeared to be.

subspace, nonsexual dd/lb, daddy kink

Steve saved Eddie's number on his phone under 'Daddy'. And his contact on Eddie's phone was 'Baby'. Everyone thought it was their little game, but it was more than what it appeared to be.

After having dinner and doing the dishes together, they cuddled on the couch to watch some TV shows.

The night went on without much fanfare, but perhaps it was his long and stressful day at work, or perhaps it was Eddie's fingers combing through his hair; either way, Steve kind of had started drifting at some point without meaning to.

"Daddy?" he mumbled, not understanding why everything felt syrupy all of a sudden.

Eddie's eyes were on him in an instant, "What's wrong, baby?"

It was hard to think when he felt so warmth and safe at the moment.

Rubbing his cheek on the soft fabric of Eddie's hoodie, he glanced up to meet Eddie's patient gaze, "M'thirsty."

With a fond kiss pressed on his forehead, the older man stood up and tugged him gently until he rose to his feet.

"Let's go get you some water, yeah?"

Steve could only nod and trail after his boyfriend as a teary yawn broke out of him.

Once he was fed enough water to soothe his dry throat, Eddie booped his nose to gain his attention.

"What d'you want, baby?" Eddie tucked a stray hair behind his ear.

Sitting on the kitchen counter, Steve hooked his ankles behind Eddie's legs and shook his head with a pout, "Dunno, I-" Another yawn cut him off. "I just wanna be w'you," he admitted softly.

Eddie's face turned gooey at that, "Me too, sweetheart," and leaned in to give him a tender kiss, causing Steve to melt like ice cream under the golden sun.

By the time Eddie guided him upstairs and into their bedroom, Steve was floaty and sluggish—a combination that got him unable to do anything besides listening to his daddy.

As usual, Eddie helped him get ready for bed with gentle hands and practiced ease. From brushing his teeth to changing his clothes, Eddie did everything while Steve only had to follow his instructions.

They had talked about this a lot and been hesitant about whether they could make it work or not. Mostly, it was Steve who always based his value on his usefulness, and thought he needed to work hard to earn his boyfriend's affection.

But time and time again, Eddie had proved him wrong, that Steve deserved to be taken care of, and that Steve could trust the older man to love him unconditionally.

He had been wary at first, and yet, didn't expect it to be so easy to get under, to let himself fall into Eddie's loving arms.

Since then, it became just another special part of their relationship, a safe haven for Steve and even Eddie when life got a little too rough for them.

In a sense, the dynamic had helped them understand each other and also taught them to communicate better.

These days, Steve could let go of his self-control around Eddie without fearing the consequences. And likewise, Eddie could confine in him anything without worrying about being judged.

Steve was aware they were more than boyfriends at this point. That he could take a leap of faith and knew Eddie would always be there to catch him.

"Love you, daddy," Steve whispered once they slipped beneath the blanket with his head pillowed on Eddie's chest.

"Love you more, baby boy," Eddie planted soft kisses on his brow, eyelids, and finally the crown of his head. "Sweet dream, angel."

And just like that, Steve closed his eyes, knowing he was right where he wanted.

Home.

[vigilskeep]

hiya!! I never learned much about oghren besides what I needed to because, from what I remember, he pissed me off so bad with misogynistic comments that in both my playthroughs I kicked him out of the party as soon as the game would let me😂what would you say is the appeal of his character? it seems there’s more to him if I could’ve got past that, based on the posts of yours I’ve seen

i’m not going to make an argument for pushing through if you can’t deal with how he talks because like, it sucks and as i say, they did not do anything with it or make him get better on that. that being said, i think there is something interesting to his character and what can be done with it.

maybe i’m just desperate for dwarven lore lmao. there are three, total, dwarven companions in the series, counting one from a dlc, and i will take whatever lore i can get from my beloved orzammar

oghren operates in a really fascinating space in orzammar’s caste system. he’s born warrior caste, and once, he was everything orzammar values and a great prospect for a brilliant girl from the smith caste. then when she’s less than twenty and he’s presumably around the same, she becomes a paragon, a living legend, the voice of the ancestors. they soar up to being a noble house in a role neither of them are prepared for. oghren goes from being a very desirable match socially to an uncultured hanger-on who doesn’t even have branka’s attention as she becomes obsessed with her work (and quietly seeks a lover elsewhere in her new house). when branka goes into the deep roads two years before the events of the game, she takes the whole house—except him. and she doesn’t come back. oghren’s the single leftover of a house with no head. he’s also a berserker with ptsd, and when he loses control of himself in the proving arena and kills a young man, he’s no longer allowed to fight within the city bounds. if he left it, he’d be casteless; but inside it, he’s not far from that, unable to be the warrior that orzammar’s culture has always told him it is his only role and purpose to be.

there’s a lot of orzammar caste and gender politics in all of that. the guard who tells you about oghren says that he might have been something to be afraid of before the assembly “practically gelded him” by banning him from fighting. losing your ability to perform your caste role is emasculating and oghren’s over-exaggerated masculinity in his crude jokes is a response to that perceived shame. even before the ban, orzammar has the biggest gender inequality of anywhere we’ve spent time in thedas, and there’s a lot of implied social loss in becoming the lesser partner to his wife. both because she’s a woman and was once a lesser caste than him. in his fade nightmare, he’s drunk in tapsters, as strangers berate him for being a shame to branka’s house, dragging it down. he’s openly mocked in the same way in orzammar for all of this. for him in this dream, and in his life prior to meeting the warden, it’s easier to drink than to listen

there’s a lot to get into about how orzammar treats its warriors. they’re sent against the horrors of the deep roads, taught to harness this berserker rage, to be the only thing that stands between their home and the darkspawn, and... then what? is there a system in place for taking care of those veterans? i doubt they hold the same value once they lose the ability to perform their caste role. oghren talks a little about this, but he’s not even able to conceptualise that he should have been helped, it’s more like, how could they teach me how to fight out there like that and expect me to be able to hold back in that proving fight? a warrior’s going to do what a warrior’s going to do! but i don’t think it’s a surprise that someone like oghren turns to alcohol and i sincerely doubt he’s alone in that. compare it to someone like warden brosca’s mother turning to alcohol to deaden herself to life in dust town, and you can see that the dwarven love of drink so often played for laughs is the weight of the caste system in action

[iamnmbr3]

"Riddle thought he was special" he was????

I KNOW!! That bit is just absolutely wild. Until Dumbledore walked through is door, Tom Riddle was the only magical person he knew. He lived surrounded by Muggles. He was the only person in his whole miserable little world who could talks to animals and affect the world around him with just his mind. THE KID CAN DO MAGIC! That's pretty much the definition of being special! Also the first thing he actually says is "I knew I was different." Which again. He IS.

He's not like any of the people around him. Which is isolating and confusing. But also validating. A source of strength and pride for someone who has nothing and lives a violent difficult frightening existence. Someone who is hated and feared by the people around him. And remember, no matter hw unusual his control over his powers at such a young age was, at one point his acts of magic would have been as random and uncontrolled as any other wizard child's. Which means he probably got blamed for a lot of accidental magic that he had no idea how to control.

Also the way he's all 'I knew it' is really telling in the context of him thinking that Dumbledore is there to forcibly institutionalize him. Not only does it tell us about the kind of fear he's been living with. But also it suggests that perhaps a small part of him wasn't sure. Somewhere a tiny part of him fears that maybe he really is mad.

And what child hasn't dreamed of being special. Of growing up to do great things or discovering some secret hidden ability. And every child deserves to feel special sometimes. Children shouldn't be taught to be arrogant or self centered. But being made to feel special and valued and loved is an important part of a normal and happy childhood. And it's something that Tom has been totally denied. Tom, who has so little and is so alone and disliked, deserves to feel validated and special for once in his life.

And anyway. He literally is. He IS different. He IS special. He can use magic. And not just that. Even by wizard standards he is exceptionally gifted. Those are just objective facts, not arrogance. And it is the height of hypocrisy for Dumbledore, who frequently makes reference to his own genius and talent, to act as though Tom's words in unguarded moment of emotion are somehow evil or worthy of punishment.

Tom is reaching out, being unguarded with an adult for the first time in that conversation - perhaps ever. And what does Dumbledore do? He makes him feel small and powerless. He uses punishments and threats. He teaches Tom once more the lesson that his life has so often hammered into him that the world is divided between those with power and those without, that that there is no mercy, no kindness, no goodness with no string attached - only power and those too weak to seek it. What kind of a lesson is that? This was his opportunity to show Tom something else. How much might have been different if anyone else, anyone capable of basic kindness and compassion, anyone capable of putting their ego aside and treating a hurt child as a child, had walked in the door that day instead?

[babyrdie]

Any Patroclus headcanon?

Okay, I don't know how common this headcanon is, but I like reversing Achilles and Patroclus' roles in their childhood. Since Patroclus doesn't have much content about his childhood, I suppose I'll fill in the blanks with headcanons!

I like to think that, as a child, Patroclus was more impatient and aggressive and so an accident over something silly like dice resulted in Clysonimus' death (I'm combining different versions in this).

There is this notion that Patroclus was a prince, but while reading Pindar I got the impression that Menoetius was a noble since it's said that his family wasn't originally from Opus, but the king of Opus valued them and gave them part of the land. He's also one of Helen's suitors in more than one source, and I imagine most of those who dared to be there or send their sons there at least had status to offer. Regardless…in both cases, Patroclus was raised in a high-status household. Mentions of his sister Myrto (in Aristides) and his brother Abderos (in the Photius' Bibliotheca) are both late, which makes me think that it's possible that for a long time Patroclus was established as an only child. Can you imagine what it was like to be an only child of high status? Let's be honest, I don't believe someone like that would be a docile and humble child.

So I think that Patroclus as a child was really what you would expect from a prince/son of a noble who is an only child and can most likely get away with the trouble he causes easily. I can imagine someone like that getting angry enough over dices to accidentally kill someone. I think being exiled to Phithia hit him hard, not because he was sad but because he felt offended. So Patroclus wasn't really good company when he arrived on Phithia. If anything, he was irritated to see Achilles in the position he used to be in, even more irritated because they're cousins ​​and used to have similar privileges and now it was as if Patroclus was just like any other of the servants there. Ironically Achilles, having been raised mainly by Chiron, used to be much more humble and controlled than Patroclus just as Peleus expected (yes, I was inspired by Iphigenia at Aulis here. Also, in my chronology, Achilles in Pelion is before Patroclus because Hesiod justifies Achilles' absence among Helen's suitors with the explanation that he was in Pelion at the time and The Iliad implies that Patroclus wasn't in Pelion, since it says that Achilles learned to heal from Chiron and then passed this on to Patroclus rather than Patroclus learning it together)

I like to think that Patroclus' personality change happened on Phithia. He no longer had the status to protect him from her bad attitude like he once did. In some ways, Peleus was still lenient with him. Peleus used to be prince of Aegina and also lost his status when he was exiled because of someone's death (his half-brother Phocus. However, unlike Patroclus, in most versions Phocus' death wasn't accidental), and he was only able to have a good life again because the king of Phithia, to which Peleus fled, at the time was a generous host to him. Peleus wished to be something similar to Patroclus, even more so because they were also related (here I am considering the version in which they're related by Aegina, which makes Patroclus cousin once removed to Achilles. But, of course, there are other versions of the blood relationship). Still, Peleus wasn't as indulgent as Menoetius (who was lenient enough to have gotten to that point).

Patroclus's relationship with Achilles was initially turbulent. Achilles was raised by someone as wise as Chiron, but in the end he was still mostly raised away from other humans being taught by a centaur teacher and looked after by nymphs (inspired by Argonautica). As such, he was simply very bad at understanding common mortals, which was the case with Patroclus. It took him a while to realize that Patroclus was angry with him because he had resentment and envy, and when he did he wasn't really…err sensitive about it. He was like "oh you envy me" in a surprised tone, which only made Patroclus even more irritated. For Patroclus, it didn't make sense for someone so oblivious to be a prince and, consequently, to be destined to lead people. How could Achilles be a good leader if he cannot understand those who serve him at all? The idea of ​​swearing loyalty to someone like that seemed absurd.

Because Achilles saw how different Peleus and Phoenix acted towards Patroclus compared to the other servants, he became interested. The problem is that, having almost no emotional or social awareness, everything Achilles did only seemed to make Patroclus' temper worse. Meanwhile, Patroclus tried his best to restrain himself, after all he knew that a servant couldn't deal with a prince. Unfortunately, his temper sometimes won, which caused him to fight with Achilles. Every now and then, even physically, which later developed into them sparring together. But in the end Achilles would still go after him, sometimes trying to please him with things like offering an expensive delicacy that Patroclus supposedly should no longer be entitled to, and Achilles even taught him things he learned in Pelion (yes, inspired by The Iliad).. Achilles was so oblivious that he insisted on continuing to call Patroclus a prince, which to Patroclus seemed like a mockery of his current status (it wasn't. And yes, inspired by The Iliad).

However, seeing how Achilles remains much more controlled than him made Patroclus feel even worse. And so, he felt that reacting aggressively would lead to nothing in the end. Achilles wasn't being affected by this, and Patroclus just seemed like an idiot who wouldn't stop complaining. He knew he was lucky that Achilles saw him as a weird kind of entertainment. Otherwise, Achilles might have taken offense and used his status as a prince to make his life unbearable. He was already getting away with Peleus' indulgence, and now he was getting away with Achilles' curiosity. Having gradually become friends with other servants and seeing how they noticed the privileges Patroclus still had over them, Patroclus realized the situation. While his friends were trying so hard and were hardly improving their lives, Patroclus was doing everything wrong and still having a better life than them. It didn't seem fair, and now that he was living closely with the servants it became evident. He wasn't so angry anymore, he was embarrassed.

If he was going to get away with not doing the work and if he was going to continue to experience the expensive things that Achilles kept offering him while his friends continued to stagnate despite their best efforts, then Patroclus felt he should at least earn it. Otherwise, how could he look at others who were supposedly in the same position as him? It wasn't even about Peleus being disappointed or Achilles being confused, it was really about the other servants, people that Patroclus didn't often think about when he was the one being served. In particular, Patroclus became very good at taking care of horses, animals he was interested in and even rode in Opus but never needed to take care of (after all, he had servants who did that for him).

In Phithia, Patroclus' main reference was Phoenix. Phoenix used to be a prince (son of King Amyntor) and also became a vassal when he sought protection in Phithia, where Peleus accepted him just as he accepted Patroclus (I like to think that Peleus did this precisely because of the hospitality he received from the previous king of Phithia during his exile, as I already said). Phoenix was an advisor and, being Patroclus' main reference, that's why Patroclus later also became a kind of advisor to Achilles. Wishing to be as respectful as Phoenix was despite no longer being a prince, Patroclus tried to become more controlled, mature, and wise. He might not have had the wise centaur mentor to teach him like Achilles had, but Patroclus had something that Achilles didn't and that was normal interaction with other people.

No matter how hard Achilles tried, he was still distant. He was too much strict, too much aloof, too much polite, too much divine, someone like that hardly seemed spontaneous in the eyes of other people, especially other children his age (inspired by his characterization in Iphigenia at Aulis). But Patroclus, being so spontaneous and humanly flawed and having even changed because of his friends, became more and more popular. He was a "man of the people", so to speak.

And then it was Achilles' turn to envy him. Because Achilles could have a divine mother, still be a prince, have superhuman speed and strength, have an exceptional education, but he couldn't become as loved as Patroclus, who didn't have a divine mother, was no longer a prince, wasn't superhuman and didn't have a Pelion education. While Patroclus once envied how different Achilles was from other mortals, Achilles envied how much Patroclus was just like other mortals. Patroclus then began trying to help him with this, sometimes acting as his intermediary. They became complementary, with Achilles making Patroclus better in his fighting skills and knowledge while Patroclus helped him to deal better with other people.

When Patroclus met Thetis, he was absolutely impressed. Looking at her, he was able to see everything in her that reminded him of Achilles, which only reminded him of Achilles' divine blood, which he had forgotten about because of their friendship (it's a little hard to remember that your best-friend is a prophetized demigod when he's younger than you and acts insecure when it comes to making friends). And yet, what Patroclus felt was not fear, but admiration. Thetis, wishing the best possible for her son, was happy to see that Achilles had someone to help him understand mortals. After all, this role Thetis could never play, nor did she want to (she certainly didn't have good memories of mortals and didn't miss it when she still lived in Phithia. Returning to the sea was a decision she never regretted).

Over the years, Patroclus and Achilles reversed. Patroclus, raised as someone of high status who could get away with his bad temper, went from being a selfish and impulsive person to being patient and empathetic. On the other hand, Achilles, raised far from the evil of the world, went from an extremely innocent child to someone who would seek and maintain his glory at any cost. They remained complementary, but in opposite directions to how they began.

And the reason Patroclus tried to console Briseis is precisely because of the slaves he befriended in Phithia (which, mind you, didn't stop him from accepting Iphis when Achilles gave her to him). In turn, Achilles planned for Patroclus to take care of Neoptolemus after his death (not my invention, it's in The Iliad) because he admired Patroclus' evolution and how well he took care of him, and he couldn't help but wish Neoptolemus had someone like this. Of course, unfortunately that didn't happen.

In Book 16 of The Iliad, Zeus is an agent of Patroclus' death in order to make him disobey Achilles' order not to come too close to Troy (because Achilles was afraid that one of the gods on the Trojan side would kill him). I like to think that the bloodthirsty, petty, debauched and mocking personality we see in Book 16, so different from how he is portrayed in the rest of The Iliad, was Zeus resurfacing in Patroclus who he used to be. It's not that it's not Patroclus, but that it's a part of him that he had learned to control. At his death, Patroclus used his last words to mock Hector (for those who don't remember, he says that Hector only won because of Zeus and Apollo, that Patroclus would have beaten several Hectors if it weren't for that and that Achilles will kick his ass), ignoring the part of him that had learned not to be too proud and thus dying without denying himself (no matter how flawed he was).

Ironically, it was this behavior that made his disguise as Achilles more believable, since he behaved similarly to Achilles when on the battlefield. Because their completeness wasn't just about their differences, but about the similarities they had. Patroclus was only able to be Achilles because, deep inside, they had some essence that made them similar (although not all the time, since in The Iliad eventually the Trojans recognize him. Yes, contrary to what is generally said, Patroclus wasn't only recognized when the armor was removed from him). If someone had asked, for example, Antilochus to do this, I doubt it would have worked even for a short time.

So basically that's my headcanon about the evolution of Patroclus's personality. But of course, that's just a headcanon!

Note: this post was edited!

[cosmic-walkers]

"isn't it funny how alicent's sons are misogynistic but rhaenyra's aren't"

I think we've been over this before but we will do it again. Alicent was forced to have her children, while she was a child. These children were not born out of love, or passion, they were born simply for Viserys to fulfill his need for a son and to push for the Targayrean dynasty. Alicent was an unwilling vessel for that. She did not have the loving environment to cultivate a healthy relationship with her sons because she was always under the thumb of misogynistic, sexist, abusive men (Otto, Viserys and Larys). Up until this moment, Alicent has not even existed for herself. She doesn't understand what it means to exist out of the gaze of misogyny, nor what it means to put herself and her desires above men. So yes, her sons are misogynistic toward her, Aegon dismisses her or tries to, as does Otto, it is a pattern and just now Alicent is learning to defend herself.

LIKE please understand Alicent herself, until now, has only existed as a vessel to push what men want. Even making Aegon king is in her mind, what Viserys wanted. Her sons are misogynistic toward her because up until recently, she's been taught that was her purpose.

Rhaenyra grew up in an environment where her father, despite her being a girl, still made her his heir and at that very moment went back on hundreds of years of tradition. He valued Rhaenyra as more than a vessel or a tool to push the Targaryen dynasty, he did not see her the same way he did Aemma and Alicent - he viewed her as someone who deserved agency and power. Therefore the men in Rhaenyra's reflected that when interacting with her (most of them).

If the king of all people valued Rhaenyra and made her his heir despite being a woman, then she would grow up to believe that women existed outside of the whims and desires of men. She grew up in an environment where her worth as a woman was elevated and she was genuinely seen as a person. She did not have the same life as most women around her and of her generation. She had far more freedom and grace than Alicent. And again the men in her life who lived in proximity to that reinforced that; Laenor, Corlys, Viserys. She was also blessed to be in the company of women who grew up privileged enough to believe that women did not exist only for men's consumption - i.e, Rhaenys and you can even consider Laena.

THAT SAID, of course, when she has that support her relationship with her sons will be different. Her sons don't see her as an obstacle or as someone to ignore because she had the ability and the foundation to correct, or rather, never instill that form of teaching.

I actually loved seeing the contrast of motherhood. We have all been saying Alicent was forced to have Aemond and Aegon, and we can see that as the show goes on, she starts to detest them - barely seeing him as sons IMO. And well, that makes sense. The things she hated and that confined her she begins to see in her own sons. i think it's realistic.

Wherein we have Rhaenyra, who has a very pure, and loving relationship with her sons, Jace specifically. Jace enters, calls her 'Your Grace', and respects her as a queen first and mother second. Then he crumbles into her arms and they cry together. He doesn't just see her as an equal, and i'd venture to say he doesn't. He sees her as above him, as his queen, she has to break the barriers to be seen as a mother. And it isn't a failure in her relationship or raising him, it is the opposite actually. It shows that he respects her, and that he understands her place as rightful queen, and his place as her heir.

REGARDLESS, I'd love to have discussions on Alicent and Rhaenyra without either being shamed or torn apart for things they couldn't control. There is so much comparing and contrasting to be done that would be fun if not done through the scope of misogyny and stan wars.

[pigeon-toes]

People really don't seem to read, so here's a small collection of the ways Arlecchino helped Freminet after she took over the House of the Hearth.

She taught him to value his life after the previous director taught otherwise, she paired him with Lyney and Lynette because if how isolated he was, and told him the truth about the reason his mother left him with the Hearth after the previous director had lied and said she abandoned him.

About "Father": Teaching

"When I was little, I was taught that we should be ready to give our lives for our family. But when "Father" took control, this philosophy changed. "Father" said that every one of us is important, and we have to value our own lives, be our strongest selves, and stand on our own two feet in this workd... But actually, all that's much harder than following orders."

More About Freminet: IV

"I don't like thinking about my time in the House of the Hearth under the previous director. All I'll say is... My habit of retreating into the sea started back then. "Father" changed not only me, but my view of our family, too. Then Lyney and Lynette joined the family... and for the first time ever, I gained some genuine companions.

Character Story 5

After "Father" replaced the previous director, Freminet's thoughts began to turn to finding his mother once again.

At first, Freminet assumed that she would rile up a still greater storm of brutality, for he knew that her methods were brutal, and he expected new orders to be given just as pitilessly as they had been in the past. But he soon discovered that "Father"'s way of doing things was utterly different.

With "Father," the home was a place of refuge for all the family's children, and as such required a collective effort to maintain. It was up to each of them to complete their tasks in the way that best suited them. Even if they failed, they wouldn't be subjected to the searingly painful punishments they had been previously.

She also gave him a pendant that belonged to his mother later in the same character story.

"I found this at the base operations of those scum. Keep it," said "Father."

Freminet looked back at her, perplexed, which in turn seemed to confuse her.

"What it is? I'm talking about those usurious scoundrels. It belonged to your mother..." She frowned, suddenly seeming to realize something.

"What were you told about her?"

Freminet told her what the previous director had said to him, about how he had been abandoned. As he did so, she said nothing, but her eyes began to burn with wrath.

After Freminet was finished, Father fell silent for a rare moment. "Do you want to know what really happened?" She asked, fixing him with a piercing stare.

Freminet nodded almost unconsciously. But once he had heard what she had to say, he wasn't sure which story he'd rather believe.

"Father" told Freminet that his mother hadn't abandoned him, but on the contrary, had acted to protect him...

That year, the debt that his family owed finally reached the point where they would no longer be able to repay it. Those greedy moneylenders had not only forced Freminet's mother to hand over the house that they lived in, but had also demanded that she hand over Freminet as well. But she was his mother — how could she let this happen? In the end, she had no choice but to entrust Freminet to "that orphanage" — somewhere they could never get at him — and then face them alone.

"This was all I found. As for your mother..." As she looked at the young boy in front of her, still gripping the pendant tightly in his hands, "Father" trailed off and left the ensuing silence to speak for her.

Freminet's head hung low, but knowing his personality, Father slipped out of the room without another word.

It's strange to me that people entirely demonize her soley for his voiceline about crying, when that's the only bad thing he has to say about her. Every other voiceline and character story he has regarding her details how she improved his quality of life after the previous director's abuse and made the house of the hearth actually feel like a family and home.

[bestworstcase]

In vol10, how do you think they’ll play the specific ramifications of what Yatsuhashi did to Jax at the end of before the dawn?

The book left me with the impression that Jax would be a shell of his former self. In the animatic we get a glimpse of Gill and Jax but the gist of that interaction is a smile they share. Likely this is meant to suggest their bond is stronger after the events of before the dawn; but in this case I’m more interested in the possibilities/impacts Yatsuhashi’s mind wipe may have on a main vol10 antagonist’s mental state; and how that may effect the story and its themes.

I don’t love the idea of sweeping this “wound” Yatsuhashi inflicted on Jax under the rug with a hard reset. Kind of want it to matter for these characters, y’know?

Maybe Jax is a little spacy and this time he’s going along with what he thinks Gill wants because he vaguely remembers her as his one anchor and doesn’t exactly remember why he wanted this so much in the first place? (I knew someone who had dementia and he wouldn’t always admit that he didn’t know what was going on and he just went with it; but he was so scared and confused all the time.) Jax is following Gill now.

Maybe instead Jax has brief moments of clarity where he is exactly the person he was before Yatsuhashi domed him but then most of the time he’s dissociative, glassy eyed, and barely there; and Gill’s pulling him along trying to jolt him back to who he used to be. All while hiding his condition from their followers.

I’m not married to any one manifestation/interpretation but I am interested in this being a further exploration of the unraveling of the Self and self-actualization. What are your thoughts?

we-ell as is often the case (lol) im pretty far out of step with most of the fandom here because i am and have always been really skeptical of the face value reading of that scene. like “yatsu completely erased jax’s memory and the book ends with jax in a vegetative state” never made sense to me to begin with –

that is an outcome yatsu spend the entire story worrying about because he’s scared of his own semblance to the point of hating it whenever he has to use it, so i’m inclined to take any “oh god what have i done!?” freak outs in that vein, in the heat of the moment while there’s a battle happening and yatsu was just fighting for his life with a guy determinedly trying to turn his memories into porridge, with a large grain of salt.

in addition:

yatsu and jax have counter-semblances; yatsu can completely negate the effect of jax’s semblance on somebodies mind by literally just jostling them – erasing the most recent couple seconds of their memory. he doesn’t even need to target the false memories specifically, just touching their mind with his semblance is sufficient to negate jax’s.

because of this, yatsu is naturally resistant to jax’s semblance.

doesn’t it follow logically that jax might likewise have a natural resistance to yatsu’s? oil doesn’t mix with water any better than water mixes with oil.

furthermore,

The boy shook his head. “No, no—he’s fine. The meditation exercises Yatsuhashi taught him seem to be helping his memory.” Velvet nodded. She had a suspicion it was more than just the mediation exercises that were helping Edward. No one knew for sure what Yatsuhashi had done with his Semblance when he’d tried to heal Edward’s mind … even Yatsuhashi wasn’t sure. His ability was to erase memories, but it was possible that there was more to Yatsu’s Semblance than that. It was something Glynda had emphasized in their second-year classes at Beacon: Semblances can grow as people do. It was reasonable to assume that he might have been able to nudge Edward’s mind enough to give him better recall and help reverse his degenerative mental disease. But Yatsu had always focused more on controlling his power than testing its limits and seeing what else he could do. He hated messing with people’s minds.

edward caspian is an elderly man living with some type of dementia whose mind yatsu tried to heal with his semblance, and evidently he succeeded to some degree. and the narrative framing contrasts this fact—that yatsu can heal damaged minds—explicitly with yatsu’s fear and dislike of his semblance in a way that suggests his fear is not necessarily rational. it’s rooted in a traumatic childhood incident where he did cause very real harm by accident, yes, but because of that trauma, yatsu focused very narrowly on restricting and controlling his semblance and consequently thinks of it as strictly a horrible, dangerous curse with no potential for anything good.

(he is, in this way, very like qrow.)

now! the specific circumstances of the struggle between jax and yatsu are, i think, worth taking into consideration here. jax is trying to pull yatsu under control again by twisting his memories; yatsu counters by trying to make jax forget an unspecified (but likely quite brief) amount of time in order to neutralize jax’s semblance.

(i think the motivation is very important: regardless of whether yatsu did or didn’t push his semblance harder than he meant to, he was pushing it toward the goal of eliminating the threat posed by jax’s semblance, under the kind of stakes we’ve seen incite changes in semblances for other characters, and this is in the context of the narrative already being pretty unsubtle about setting up for yatsu’s semblance to evolve in some way.)

this occurs at a point during the battle in which it is now clear to everyone that the crown has been defeated. jax is injured (“A bullet pierced his left arm. He cried out and saw blood. He felt the burning pain.”)

moments ago used his semblance on his twin sister to force her to keep giving him aura, believing she would otherwise leave him to die. the reason yatsu wins this struggle is gill funnels her own aura from jax to yatsu at a critical moment, and then tells yatsu that 1. she was never under jax’s control at all, and 2. she did all of this, including betraying him, because he’s her brother and she loves him and she knew she and he would both die if she didn’t stop him.

in every other instance, when yatsu jostles someone out of jax’s control, they’re disoriented and hazy for a little while afterward. so jax has that on top of having just been shot and his sister betraying him but also revealing that his long-held self-hating belief that the only reason she stuck with him and gave him the aura he needed to live was because his semblance compelled her obedience was completely untrue because his semblance doesn’t work on her at all, and he’s just suffered a crushing martial defeat in the cause he staked his whole life on.

of course he’s just laying there sobbing silently in stupefied shock!! i just don’t think that jax having what is a completely understandable emotional reaction to, waves hands, all that as seen through the eyes of a boy who’s terrified of his own semblance is a cut and dry case of tabula rasa.

what i think might have happened is that yatsu did something to jax’s semblance. think about it like this: on top of being the kind of high stakes crisis that could easily have caused yatsu’s semblance to evolve on its own, the pivotal moment occurred when gill took the aura that was powering jax’s semblance and gave it to yatsu instead.

jax’s semblance can:

twist real memories

implant false memories

yatsu’s semblance can:

repair memory damage

erase real memories

we know, from what’s going on with oscar and ozma, that mingling two people’s auras over a long period of time results in a convergence between the two consciousnesses; and we know, from jaune’s discovery of his semblance, that a similar but far more limited phenomenon occurs when two auras are mixed temporarily—jaune is able to amplify weiss’ aura for her while she is unconscious. and we know from qrow and clover that even without any aura-mixing, two people with similar-but-opposite semblances can incite growth in each other’s semblances by way of shifting perceptions and challenging beliefs about what is possible—qrow gains more control over his semblance by learning to see it from clover’s point of view.

so what happens if you mix the auras of two people with similar-but-opposite semblances while those two people are actively semblance-wrestling? well,

i’d think that the likeliest outcome is for the semblance receiving aura to change in a way that reflects or imitates the semblance it’s receiving from, and perhaps vice-versa.

and if you think about what jax’s semblance does and what yatsu’s semblance does and the way yatsu’s negates jax’s—what do you get if you add memory-twisting to a semblance that can both erase memory and heal damage to the mind’s ability to remember, and refract the memory-twisting through the prism of a character who finds the very idea of messing with someone’s mind repulsive? well, my answer would be that you change the memory-twisting into something that seeks to heal instead of seeking to control… like, say, untwisting cognitive distortions to cause the target to see something clearly. for example.

alternately: what happens if you give yatsu jax’s ability to use his semblance on many people all at once, while yatsu is striving to block jax’s semblance? maybe breaking every binding jax had all at once, rather than (as before) having to jog every victim’s memory one at a time.

or maybe you inflict that horror and fear of messing people’s minds on jax, essentially reflecting his semblance back at him in a way that causes him to feel how yatsu feels about these powers—even if only fleetingly.

or—well, we know it’s possible to steal somebody’s semblance, and the basic essence of yatsu’s is about erasure. might it be possible to erase a semblance? wipe the semblance itself back to whatever inchoate protean state a semblance has before it manifests for the first time? push it back down into the unconscious again?

now that we’ve gotten clear confirmation that jax isn’t, like, in a vegetative state, i think it’s pretty likely that either,

yatsu really did wipe way more of jax’s memory than intended and has since used the healing side of his semblance to repair most if not all of the damage, even at the risk of making jax dangerous again, because his conscience (rightly!) compelled him to do so – a thematically salient narrative direction vis-a-vis salem and, ultimately, also the god of light, or

yatsu made an incorrect assumption and what actually happened is more along the lines of similar semblances ricocheting in an unpredictable way – which opens doors for a lot of dynamic things to do with jax as a character and potentially allows for his semblance to be more/less of a danger now depending upon the needs of the vacuo arc.

so there’s some narrative advantages in either direction. i do tend to think that the relationship between the asturias twins will be different and specifically more balanced than in the book, less because of semblance-induced changes to jax’s psyche than because he knows now that he not only can’t but doesn’t need to compel her to not abandon him. there’s a layer of fear/resentment in the way jax views her in the book that is pretty effectively shattered at the end and her betrayal was explicitly predicated on gill facing the choice to save herself by letting him die, and her not being able to do it.

all that said i think it would be fun if jax didn’t really remember much of the battle, because those are the minutes that yatsu was specifically trying to erase, so he remembers gill not leaving him to die and those revelations but also has to trust her account of how the battle turned so decisively against them prior and you get the push-pull between the new revelations and his older resentment and distrust of her motives.

[mountainscouts]

I think Gary shouldn't be just a perfect overachiever gentleman that soothes Stan's depression. I don't dislike it but I also want to see Gary not have everything in his life in order, allow him to get angry, question Mormonism (racism, homophobia), pressure him with familial expectations (don't set bad example for his siblings, must marry a woman, etc), let him cut loose and party. Conversely, Stan isn't 24/7 doom+gloom. He can be stable, proactive and self-reflecting even before dating Gary.

WHEW. OKAY THIS ASK HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY ASK BOX FOR A WHILE NOW BECAUSE ITS JUST SO. SO PERFECT. where do i even begin?

okay, i have such a specific view of gary that is essentially this, seriously. when it comes to stary, people tend to gloss over gary as a character and while i can't really blame them for doing that, considering that gary is just a guy who has in total less than 3 minutes of speaking roles in his only episode, it's something i've noticed. while i wish that more people would explore him as a character with as much depth as stan, i've kinda just accepted that it won't ever be the case. BUT because of that, i've sort of hyper focused on these types of details about gary and built on his character more in that regard, going that exact direction you went in your ask.

gary, to me, is a well-polished & put together mess when he gets older. the church is such a fascinating and important facet of his life, and the fact that his character is so inherently & quintessentially mormon is a very accurate portrayal of a lot of mormons from SLC. with that, any type of interpretation of him that deviates from typical norms and values in the church is actually asking for a lot of character dissection. i understand that a lot of people would rather not, but i WOULD. and HAVE BEEN...

gary to me is gay, and i can't really see him otherwise. he finds this out– or at least has a feeling that he might be at a younger age, so already his sexuality giving him leeway in questioning the church and its beliefs. this starts leading him to be more self-aware of his societal and familial role, juggling his own beliefs, the church's, and by extension his family's. with this baggage, i guess, i'm sure it'll extend beyond that to his sense of self. what does he want to be? what does he want to make of himself? how can he feel so trapped, but by the loving arms of his family? so much to build and unpack here!!

speaking of his family, i truly believe they're ignorant folk, conservative, and traditional (inadvertently confirmed by how many children they have and how they all interact with eachother- even if that's just a joke, it proves my point that the harrisons are a decent portrayal of mormon families yet again). gary, being the middle child and if one wanted to write him as "the special one", makes for these dilemmas even more interesting honestly. from setting a good precedent for his siblings, following the path of his older ones, cramming extra-curricular activities as a means to both please his parents and even distract himself from his issues, to having to attend church meetings— it all piles up, all while his own contractions are fed more and more at the incessant exposure of daily life.

the reason why he's considered a polished mess is because he's your typical "looks like he has everything under control, actually under insane amounts of stress" character. i firmly believe that the harrisons have no ill-will, but i think the way that they raised their children falls strongly on the line of emotional neglect. their children were never taught any life lessons that'd help actually help them like- you know, regulating emotions. i've mentioned this in a previous post (and also elaborated on gary showing anger specifically) but i personally believe that while gary is a kind, and generous person to his core, there is an incredible amount of repression deep within him— a product of being raised with many, "boys dont cry"s, "love thy neighbor"s, and "forgive and forget"s. kindness specifically is actually an incredibly important aspect to mormonism, as it's a key part of the lifelong and ever present journey to celestial afterlife. but that's the thing: objectively speaking– this is just a way of control.

so when one wants to break free from this way of thinking, to lose this control, to break away from all they've known— their very livelihood— it's not going to come in the form of an overnight epiphany. in gary's case, considering how tight he is with his family versus his budding progressive views and drive to have more free reign over his self, it's going to be one hell of a struggle.

to touch on your point of him not getting everything he wants, i think that's another fundamental reason why he would question his standing in the church as well— depending on What he doesn't get. perhaps he doesn't want to serve his mission, but does so anyways. or maybe he simply had a bad day, but he can't allow himself to get upset, convincing himself that "things could be worse" as a way to make himself feel better, barring himself from healthily expressing his feelings. repeatedly saying "its okay" is going to be his downfall lol

and, i too would love to see him cut loose and party eventually- without a second thought that he'd be disappointing anyone.

okay now for stan. oh yeah that guy— no i'm just kidding, i'm also actually very picky about stan as well. :P most of your points about him align perfectly with mine. i don't like it when people woobify him to a point where his only/a major part of his character is his pessimism and depression, and while they are a part of him, it seems to be a big theme when people talk about stary. i definitely love the whole "i can fix him" thing gary has with him (because of gary's primordial urge to "fix" things and be persistent until he can't anymore) but that's definitely not all that they are!! (also gary's initial thought of "fixing" stan would already be faulty from the get-go anyways- but he will learn)

with stan, i think people tend to make him already pretty "helpless" in general fandom, and while he has shown to be more vulnerable than his peers, hes still pretty resilient. i do think that he would need a little bit of a push when it comes to his mental health, but that's only because he's found a way to cope with these issues- none of which are truly healthy. he's moreso content with being in a stalemate with himself and while he does wish he could do more, it takes a lot out of him to get out his more personal comfort zones.

kinda gives him another reason as to why him and gary are narrative foils, i just realized :P!!

but yeah!! i really loved this ask, and i probably really should indulge more in this aspect of gary >_<. its something i truly think about, and those who are close to me DEFINITELY know this! thank you for the ask and sorry it took so dang long haha. also thank you to those who read this behemoth, genuinely didnt expect to yap this much

[amarriageoftrueminds]

I ended up doing a long old rant on this other post, about the problems with the Steve/Bucky characterisation in CATFA, how it fails to make them mutual in their support / fails to properly show Steve's struggles and independence, before serum.

And I was thinking...

what would you have to do, if you wanted to write a CATFA or pre-war Stucky fic and wanted to fix all those problems?

So I figured I'd make a list!

Pardon me while I rip CATFA a new one...

.

Problem 1) Pre-serum Steve acts as if he's independent and self-reliant without Bucky... when the opposite is shown.

A) He doesn't have a job.

(He isn't shown working, doesn't mention working, or taking time off to do the things we see him doing etc. Bucky is framed as paying for things.)

If the fic is set during CATFA you could fix that by mentioning Steve does have a job but has been given time off to go enlist. Or has just been fired from his job. Basically anything to show that Steve has had a job, has been working. Perhaps even had multiple simultaneous jobs!

Probably cut out the part where Steve scoffs at working in a factory or collecting scrap metal (more likely he'd admire and/or understand why both of those are viable options; maybe they're jobs he has done in the past and is biased against now, for some experiential-related reason.)

Or, if he still does not want to work in a factory... well, at the time, with most men being overseas, factory work would've been women's work. So perhaps Steve was reluctant because it feels emasculating. Or maybe even dysphoric, to be relegated to otherwise female-only spaces, instead of welcomed into (then) male-only spaces like the Army? 🤔

(This would especially ring true if you were doing a trans!Steve story, or emphasising the disability aspect of his life. And it would cycle back when he gets stuck in the USO, doing women's work again.)

B) It would also be better characterisation if pre-serum Steve was actually already good at fighting, but just happened to be outclassed by heavier weight opponents, and/or handicapped by sudden disability flare ups mid-fight.

(In the tie-in comic, Bucky taught him how to box. Why not keep this? It really makes sense!)

The ability to fight and win should be a matter of Steve's spirit, not his physical body or his training. It shouldn't arrive with serum.

(To put it in His Dark Materials terms; Will Parry has a warrior's daemon, even when he's a 12 year old boy; he can win a contest against a grown man or even an armoured polar bear! Likewise, Steve Rogers is supposed to be the David who can win against a Goliath - yes, even when he's the little guy.)

I know it's easy to have Bucky swoop in to save Steve from a fight he's losing disastrously. But it would be more gripping (and make Bucky's value shine more), if Steve was actually winning the fight, despite being the underdog, and then something completely out of his control happened that tipped the tide against him, and then Bucky arrived to save him!

And also it would make more sense if Steve's health at the time of CATFA was in a lifetime high point, (possibly because of Bucky's long term support).

Then it would be less nonsensical to be trying to lie his way into the Army. There has to be some actual common sense logic behind his choice, so that he's not essentially snapping 'Bucky why won't you support me committing suicide, gdi??'

Steve shouldn't be getting his first real win by knocking down a flagpole; he should've been showing this capability in his pre-war / pre-Army time, too.

Possible Example:

You could emphasise the idea of Steve entering a fight he knows he's going to lose, in order to accomplish a secondary goal that the enemy doesn't recognise.

IE. Steve fighting the bully in the alleyway -- he loses the fight, but succeeds in stopping the bully from making a scene in the cinema, which was his original goal. So mention it!

(Steve could be like 'winning this fight wasn't the point.' And Bucky could be like 'ah, so what were you distracting him from?')

Perhaps Steve's secret goal in joining the war isn't to win the fight against Nazis, but to distract Nazis from Bucky?

.

Problem 2) The support is imbalanced; Bucky's doing all the emotional, financial, and physical labour in the relationship.

You could fix that by showing how pre-serum Steve was not only mutually financially supportive of Bucky (in the sense of having a job), but was also supporting Bucky emotionally and physically, just as much as Bucky supported him. He could be doing at least 2 of the 3!

Possible Examples:

Bucky going through an emotionally hard time that pre-serum Steve pulls him through (just as Bucky did with Steve's Ma).

Steve treating Bucky's wounds after a fight, just as Bucky treats his. (If Bucky's a boxer, like the tie-in comic, then Steve could be his cut man when he's in the ring!)

Steve paying for some of their expenses, or finding places to take Bucky that are free when it's his turn to plan a day out, etc.

.

Problem 3: Sarah & problem 2.

If this is CATFA / post-death setting, show flashbacks or make references to Steve visiting her in hospital, or doing the work of nursing her himself / sitting by her bedside if she died at home, paying for her medicine, etc.

So that it's not just another example of Bucky wholly carrying Steve; show the balance. Maybe Bucky was temporarily footing the bill so that Steve could afford to quit his job and do the nursing at home. Both putting the work in, in different ways.

(This would be a perfect example of one way Bucky's experience of looking after sick Steve would pay off, and make him able to teach Steve how to do it when the roles are reversed.)

Better yet, a show-don't-tell of Sarah instilling Steve's moral compass and tenacity; maybe even some Bucky POV to show her impact isn't just relegated to Steve.

Her absence could also be shown in present day with Steve, eg. packing up his things to go to basic and having to leave behind some keepsake of hers. In the comics Steve carried her photo. Perfect candidate to put in his compass!

.

Problem 4: The relationship is framed as transactional.

Less of 'I'll do X for Bucky now because he did Y for me back then'

and more of 'helping Bucky is the right thing to do because he's innocent, so I'm going to do it regardless of outside whining, and he would still do the same thing for me, or anyone else, because he's a good person too.'

There has to be more to it than just convenience, needing each other around to help; there has to be an actual desire to be together for pure enjoyment, too.

IMO you'd need at least one scene where Steve and Bucky aren't benefiting in some way from spending energy on eachother. They're just... happy being together.

And perhaps Bucky isn't the only friend pre-serum Steve could have had, just the one Steve most wanted to stick with. (His options should amount to more than 'Bucky or no one.')

Perhaps Steve's health absences and strong principles drove other friendship prospects away? Perhaps Steve even lost other disabled friends to their poor health, poverty, etc?

.

Problem 5: A's problems are framed as B's.

No more 'Steve getting attacked' being framed as a problem for Bucky.

No more 'Bucky being drafted to die' framed as a problem for Steve.

Better characterisation would show these bad things affect the victim first and foremost, and only/also the other one, secondarily.

Steve shouldn't be seeing Bucky's shipping-out uniform (skipping right over thank yous and congratulations) and talking about how that's sad for... himself.

Steve shouldn't be sabotaging Bucky's last night of freedom in NYC to spend it on... his own goals.

Sidenote: Bucky wanting to spend his last night of freedom with strangers is such idiotic writing anyway, when he has both Steve and a living family with whom he could be spending those last precious moments! And dragging Steve on a double blind date he clearly doesn't want to go on is counter-productive. It undermines the mutually-supportive / mutually communicative relationship Steve and Bucky should logically have, as lifelong inseparable best friends (viz. a Bucky who's known Steve this long should be able to tell he's not into it.) And it shifts the blame for Steve's singlehood off of him and onto Bucky, and women generally.

Steve shouldn't be detailing why he's so keen to fight, and focusing on random men he doesn't know, not directly/unequivocally mentioning Bucky at all.

(Indirectly, he wants to be like the men laying down their lives -- so... like Bucky? But this is still nonsense. He should want to be there to support Bucky, not to copy!)

It's likewise nonsense for Bucky, who has known Steve since he was a child, to ask Steve why he's keen to fight.

Bucky doesn't need to ask. Bucky already knows!

Lazy clumsy exposition.

And the narrative should be showing us why Steve wants to fight Nazis, rather than having Steve infodump some vague reason without anything to back it up.

Speaking of which...

.

Problem 6: Lack of explicit politics.

Like in the comics, Steve's reasons for fighting Nazis should be explicitly left wing and political, as well as passionately personal.

(Wanting to be like able-bodied men who get girlfriends is complete cringe incel bullshit as a motivation and not true to the comics, or CEvans's performance!)

Proper Steve characterisation should have him behaving in a way that shows he's a man ahead of his time in terms of Antifa politics, and that's why he wants to fight.

IE. happily sharing housing and schooling with people of other races, ethnicities, and religions. (Especially so when he has been in the same SEC as them / been in multiple different schools and lived in various neighbourhoods as a poor kid. Would also establish why both Steve and Bucky are fine having Gabe and Jim on their team!)

Not judging and mistreating disabled people the way he is.

Not judging unmarried mothers, belittling working women, expecting his mother to do all the housework, etc.

Not freaking out about the existence of queer people in public (even in an AU where he isn't one) defending gay men from attack as he does in the comics,

protesting and/or sabotaging public Nazi meetings in NYC, fighting with homegrown Nazi bullies especially,

ditto corrupt business owners / mafia union-runners as he does in the comics, etc.

(Sidenote: as a congenitally disabled person, Steve is also a target of Nazi rhetoric himself. So he would be personally concerned with fighting Fascism, and perhaps this was his philosophical springboard to recognising and combating all the other bullshit in its thinking, even when it's entrenched in American society.)

Basically, the Hydra saboteur should not be the first Nazi Steve ever got his hands on!

And Bucky should be an addendum when it comes to his reasoning. The heart of Steve's motive, where politics are the guts.

.

Problem 7: No disability rep.

A) Steve should not be saying that he, a disabled man, shouldn't have the 'right' to do less than able-bodied men, even though it is literally physically impossible...

...UNLESS, this internalized ableism is addressed in-story, rather than treated as if it's normal and even noble.

Other characters can be ableist; Steve should not (not only is he disabled himself, but he's supposed to know better!) ....unless it's part of an arc that shows him learning the error of his ways.

And that's a slippery slope when you consider that Project Rebirth, started by Nazis, really is a Eugenics project.

Instead of this suicidal ideation, it could be shown that Steve's health has recently become good enough for him to survive and succeed in the Army. And/or that Steve is passionate about fighting fascism, personally, because he belongs to a class of people whom Nazis believe shouldn't be allowed to exist.

Without Steve arguing that he should throw his disabled life away, just because able-bodied men are taking a significantly lesser risk of dying than him.

B) There should be actual details of Steve's disabilities, what they are and how they affect him. (Him - not Bucky.) In a way that has concrete negative consequences, beyond just not getting into the Army.

Possible Examples:

Kid!Steve being held back a year at school because of missing days due to sickness. (Kids can be cruel and parents can be ignorant; he might've been bullied and ostracised for being sick and believed contagious. And that's before the consider the amount of isolation necessary for recovery periods.)

Kid!Steve having to move around a lot (which would also affect which school he'd have to attend; always the new boy!) because losing money to medicine affects what his mother can afford, affects her work schedule when she has to look after him. Living in a worse place would then exacerbate his pre-existing symptoms, and so on.

Adult!Steve losing a job because of sick days, losing savings to pay for medicine, getting sick again because he chose heating and groceries over medicine, or vice versa, etc.

(This / the moving-around might be mitigated if he and Bucky are living together, meaning Bucky could make up the shortfall.)

Steve could lose friendships, job opportunities, or romantic partners due to sickness repeatedly taking him out of social circulation. He might also have disabled friends who lost the fight / weren't as lucky as him.

You could also play into the Nazi eugenics then endemic to the USA and have medical professionals telling Steve he shouldn't be alive; 'well-meaning' people offering to pray for him, saying they'd have just 'given up' if they were born like him, etc. (Or even saying these things to his mother!)

And Steve should, maybe, mention once or twice that he feels better after serum, and truly couldn't be doing what he's doing in Europe, if superserum hadn't also cured all his ailments?

If he's much more peppy afterwards, it should be because for the first time in his life he can actually breathe and spring out of bed!

.

Problem 8) The Incelery.

Pre-serum Steve should not be framed as undateable because he's short and disabled.

If Steve hasn't had a girlfriend, it should be because he didn't want one, not because he's incapable; not because evil women are repulsed by invisible health issues or Bucky is too dreamy for a disabled man to possibly compete with, be so fr. 🙄

You could fix this by making Steve: gay,

ace,

demi,

coincidentally surrounded by lesbians,

by women who have horrible unattractive politics,

too sick or busy with work to date,

getting attention but it's the wrong kind (ie. women who want to fetishize or nanny him),

and/or being very attractive to women even before serum but oblivious and/or simply not interested. 😂

/more than one of the above.

.

[elisysd]

12. Don't give me up, cause what about, what about angels

Masterlist - Previously - Next

Chapter soundtrack: What About Angels - Birdy

Charles saw you tensing after your mother’s cold greeting. He hated how you flinched as she was reminding you that being late was disrespectful towards your dad’s special day, that being away from home and in a big city had made you lose sight of the values they had taught you. But he hated even more how you simply smiled and apologized. He needed all his self control to not take your side, he knew how anxious this whole situation was making you feel, he didn’t want to make it worse by saying something he knew wouldn’t be well received.

The first thing he noticed in the house’s hall was the amount of family pictures, but instead of four people on them were only three. He recognised your mom, assumed the man beside her was your dad and when he thought he would notice you, it was instead your little brother. He couldn't be wrong, he looked exactly like you. The pictures were cut in a certain way that didn’t take him a long time to understand that you had been cut out of them. He felt a wave of rage hitting him. Why make you come here if your parents had gone to such an extent as to erase every trace of your existence? It was a twisted joke.

“You don’t even call anymore, Y/N. I knew it would happen, I’ve always said that being in a world full of sparks and empty promises would change you. You’re too gullible. You don’t even have time for your own family anymore. Not that you ever had.”

“You’ve never tried to ask questions about my job…” you mumbled as Charles put a comforting hand on your hip.

“I don’t need to. I know exactly what you do, you’re the talk of the town. The small town girl made it to the TV. There is no reason to be proud, playing a pretty face on tv… that is not what I raised you to be. And now you’re associating yourself with fair-weather friends…” she said, darting judgmental eyes on Charles. “I know exactly who you are.”

He didn’t have the time to reply as your dad entered the room and sat on the chair without a word. You sat too, Charles close to you as your mom joined your dad’s side. 

“How nice it is to finally see you alive.” he said, making you gulp.

“I’m Charles, your daughter’s boyfriend. Nice to meet you.” he introduced himself in a desperate attempt to drive the conversation away from you and the relieved sigh you let out made him think that you appreciated it. 

Lunch was awkward, punctuated with snarky comments here and there that you tried your best to ignore. Charles was trying to do the same but it was getting harder and harder for him to keep his calm. But it was when cake was brought that resentment and unspoken words finally came out in the open. You had taken your phone out of your pocket, wanting to show your parents all the beautiful landscapes you had the chance to witness. 

“Aren’t you ashamed?” your mom muttered.

“Why?” you turned your head to look at her in disbelief.

“Ashamed of following the sport that killed your brother. Ashamed of being with the man responsible for his death.” she sternly said.

You felt like a million daggers stabbing your heart all at once. You took a deep breath, putting your hand on his thigh, squeezing it lightly to indicate to him  not to react. It was something you had to do alone.

“F1 and Charles didn’t kill Luc, it was his leukemia, not anything else.” you replied, feeling a lump in your throat.

“If you had not introduced your brother to that stupid sport, he wouldn’t have been a fan and his illness wouldn't have turned that bad so quickly. He wasn’t talking about anything else than that sport and you. Until his very last breath. His last words were about Formula 1. It took my baby away from me and this is your fault. Both of you.” she finished, turning to Charles this time.

“If I can add something… I know I have no right to comment on this situation but even if I understand your pain, Y/N is not the one to blame. She…” Charles started, quickly shutted up by your dad.

“You’re right, you have no right to say a  thing. You don’t know what it is like to lose a son.”

“Maybe I don’t, yeah. But I know exactly what it feels like to lose a parent. I understand your pain. Truly. But with all due respect, you’ve already lost a son, you should be more careful to not lose a daughter by pushing her away and making her feel like a stranger in her own family.”

“We’ve already lost her the minute she decided to not show up at the funeral.” your mom spitted, making you close your eyes, trying to not cry. You wouldn’t give that pleasure to your parents.

“I think it’s best if we leave. It was a bad idea to come here, anyway.” you ended up saying, standing up, Charles following you. “You shouldn’t have invited me in the first place, if it was to treat me that way.”

You took Charles’ hand in yours and dragged him out of what had been once your safe place. Without a word you made your way to his car and rushed inside and it was only when the door was closed and that he had taken place behind the wheel that you broke down. He didn’t hesitate to pull you on his lap and let you cry on his shoulder, holding you tight.

“It’s okay, babe… you’re okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to feel bad, you have nothing to feel bad about. If you were believing your mom’s lies, I understand why you were so mean to me at the beginning now.”

“She is not entirely wrong, you know.” you sniffed in his neck. “At least about one thing, I should’ve been there for Luc’s funeral. But it was too hard for me. I didn’t want to face the fact that I would never see him again. I didn’t want to make the nightmare I was in real. because if I was going, it would happen exactly that. It would have made the pain real and permanent. I couldn’t.”

You put your forehead against his, trying to find a way to ground you. Charles drew small patterns on your hips, comforting you the best he could. 

“Let’s get some fresh air, okay?” he whispered against your ear.

You got out of the car and hand in hand you started to wander the streets of your childhood, telling him anecdotes and facts of any buildings and streets you were walking on and seeing.

“Tell me about Luc.” 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Everything. Whatever you want. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing with me.”

“He was passionate. About many things. History and art mostly. He wanted to work in a museum. And passionate about F1 of course. He knew a lot of mechanical stuff, more than I did. He taught me as much as I did, I swear. Maybe more. I was spending my weekends at the hospital with him to watch the races. When he was hospitalized, it was what kept him going. It was our thing, you know. Wait, I think I have a picture to show you.”

She took a photo out of her wallet and gave it to him. If he didn’t know it was a hospital room, he would have had a hard time guessing it. Everywhere were Ferrari and monegasque flags as well as a lot of merch. He was recognising one of his caps on the bedside table. Posters of his podiums were hung on the walls, his Monza’s win right above Luc’s head. Small replicas of his trophies were there too as well as miniatures of his helmets.

“A real fan.” he smiled.

“The best.” you sighed. “ You don’t know how happy he was when you won in Monza. It brought so much joy in his life. Even if it wasn’t for long. It was a tough time, he had just started to get hospitalized, he was very sick and pale and the shell of what he once was. And suddenly, he was feeling a little more alive. Because of you. Then, time went by and I had to leave for New York. It was the toughest decision I had to make in my life. At some point I was ready to take a year off so I could be with him…” 

“What made you change your mind?”

“Him. With time my dream became his. He wouldn’t have forgiven me if I was giving it all up because he was sick. He was talking about how amazing it would be if I was interviewing you. I bet he is the happiest up there.” you smiled, looking up. “One of his dreams was to meet you.”

“Maybe it is not too late?” Charles hesitantly said and you looked at him curiously. “Is he buried here?”

You nodded and he felt you stiffened.

“I've never been on his grave.” you confessed after a moment of silence. “It’s too hard and too painful to go there alone.”

“Good thing you’re not alone anymore, then.”

As you were making your way to the graveyard, Charles had to hold you closer to his chest with each step you were taking. You sobs were getting louder and your legs were shakier. It was breaking his heart, trying to see how much you were trying to keep it together.

When you finally reached the grave, at the back end of the graveyard, you fell on your knees in front of the black grave. Luc hated black. A black and white picture of him was also in the middle of the gravestone. It made you shiver. It was well kept, your parents were coming often. The lump in your throat had not gone away in the slightest, it was even bigger now, making you choke up on your own saliva. Charles wanted to hold you, wanted to get you out of here. The emotional devastation you were in was making him want to join you on the ground and cry with you. But he also knew you needed it. It was the closure you needed to move forward. He took a few steps away, giving you privacy.

“I’m so sorry, Luc. So sorry. Sorry about how I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most, sorry to have let you down, sorry to not have stepped up and measured up when I should have, sorry to not have been the sister you deserved. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t regret not being by your side. There are so many things that I should have done differently, so many things that I feel guilty about but none of them compare to how guilty I feel to not have said goodbye. I acted like a coward and I know how much you felt scared about dying. And how I promised you I would hold your hand until the end. I didn’t. I chickened out and I failed you. If I could go back in time, I would, just so I could look into your eyes one last time and hold your hand tight. I wouldn’t hesitate. I would trade anything for one last smile of yours. I hope you can forgive me, I sure can’t do that alone. But despite everything I’m happy and I’m not sure I should be. I fell in love and you would be ecstatic to know who I share my life with. He is supportive and kind and perfect for me. I wish we would have had enough time so you could have met him. But maybe after all, it’s you I should thank. Maybe it’s you who sent Charles on my way. Maybe it is your way of telling me that you are not mad at me. That you want me to be happy. If only you could give me a sign. I just want you to know that everything I do, I do it for you. Because I love you. Forever.”

You felt Charles’ arms around your shoulders as he crouched down beside you.

“Hey, Luc. I know we don’t know each other but your sister talks about you so much that I feel like I already know you. I would have loved to meet you, I know how big of a fan you are of F1. I would have loved to show you around the paddock, maybe I would have let you sit in my car. Anything to make you and your sister smile. You are brave and strong and I have nothing but pure admiration for you. I wish I could have met you. Don’t worry about your sister, I take good care of her and I don’t want to let go of her. I’m here for her for as long as she lets me but I hope it is a forever kind of thing.” he whispered as you looked at him with big and glossy eyes.

He helped you stand up, asked if you were alright and if you wanted to leave. He didn’t mind staying but he wanted to make sure you were alright, the day had been emotionally draining enough. When you nodded, he took you in his arms, engulfing you in his jacket so you weren’t cold and kissed the top of your head as you headed out.

“I’m so proud of you. So proud.” he said as you finally reached his car.

“Thank you. For being there. I don’t think I would have been able to do it alone.”

“You’re the strongest person I know. You would have done it at some point.”

“Did you mean it? What you said up there… About us being forever.” you shyly asked.

“I’m sorry it was not the best time to say it. But to answer you, I do. I’m not kidding, Y/N, I swear I can’t explain it. I don’t know how either but I just know. You’re the love of my life.”

Author's note: In laws meeting incoming... how do you think it will turn out? .

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[sam24seven]

Akashi. A very interesting and complex character from knb. This is my personal take on why I kin him. Feel free to add anything you'd like or tell me what you think, any and all feedback is welcome. Also my first language isn't English so sorry in advance for any mistakes I made.

So. Why do I relate to Akashi you ask? Well this one is a long one but I already talked to a lot of people about his character so I think I'll be pretty good at giving a summary about this.

Akashi is a character from the anime kuroko's basketball, he's introduced to us as the antagonist at first, as a crazy, sadistic perfectionist and a controlling person. As the show progresses, we find out he has DID, dissociative identity disorder which means his more "evil" personality (bokushi) is another part of his personality that gets out when he feels scared or threatened, a defense mechanism he developed to deal with the pressure he faced.

Akashi had a pretty hard childhood, with his dad being a strict father and a workaholic that demanded perfection from him, and his mother, the only person he felt loved and comfortable with after all of the things his dad made him face, dying (or disappearing, I don't think it has been confirmed) when he was around 9.

A feeling that was present a lot in his childhood was pressure, and therefore, a paralyzing, vital, overwhelming need to escape. Pressure to be perfect, pressure to live up to his name, pressure to be strong, to not make any mistakes, to not show any weaknesses, to not have any weaknesses, it's not that you can't show your vulnerability it's that you can't have vulnerability. You can't be human, you can't be flawed, you can't try you can only succeed flawlessly while looking like you didn't even try. Which is why akashi could never love himself, he was taught he should be perfect, that he's more then that, more then other people, more then himself, more then a human. Every time he finished a workload he needed to do, his father gave him twice the amount he did, because it was never about getting the mission accomplished, it was about making akashi the perfect robot, the perfect tool, the perfect son, the perfect soldier.

Something that standed out to me that akashi said once, and that I think summarizes perfectly why I relate to him so much, is him comparing winning to breathing. Now, it might look like what he was trying to say is that, like breathing, winning comes naturally to him, which is probably what he means to say, but the thing is breathing is not only something that you do naturally but something that you have to do to live. It's vital, and without it, you can't survive.

Akashi sees winning like breathing, something he has to do to live, like those cringy shirts that say "eat, sleep, watch anime, repeat" just that instead of watching anime it's winning because in his mind he must win. He needs to win. He has to.

In the battle against seirin, while akashi perhaps didn't want to lose, he needed to. And I think deep down in his original personality, he knew that he needed to feel what it's like to lose, to truly understand that winning is just a thing, and he doesn't have to do it to be worth something or survive. He can fail, and he'll still be there. He's human. He needed to fail so that loss will wake him up from the trance he was in. for Akashi, winning and being the best isn't just about success, it's a fundamental part of his identity and existence, something he feels he must do to justify his worth and existence. The loss serves as a turning point for Akashi, allowing him to realize that failure doesn't mean the end of his identity or worth. It helps him begin to connect with his other self again, and accept that he doesn't need to be perfect to have value.

Another thing that's important to mention is that the reason akashi's second personality is sadistic, mean, a bad person and all those other things, is because he feels like he's not enough of those things. Which is what I think a lot of the fandom gets wrong sometimes because the reason he has this personality in the first place is to protect himself from having to be those things all the time when he couldn't take it. He's not this strong, uncaring, cold, dominant person, he's scared and alone and feels like he has to be those things but he's can't. And that's where bokushi comes in. He's everything that akashi want to be but can't, sure they're similar in a lot of things because akashi himself is a smart and capable person, but the reason bokushi exist in the first place it to be all the things akashi had to be but couldn't.

I didn't exactly say what about him makes me relate to him because it's everything, this feeling that if you're not perfect, if you don't win in everything, it's not that you're worthless but you just can't comprehend it. It's not scary it's terrifying. it's chilling, incomprehensible, paralyzing. I relate to this feeling of acting like you're mean and perfect and can do everything and nothing bothers you, but you still want to run and hide and just have this perfect self that doesn't feel pain or guilt or love. He's a scared, pathetic, wear person, and he hides behind his other self because he's so terrified of the idea of not being what he needs to be. This is why I relate to him.

I have a lot more to say about this character and about so many others, so if you want me to write anything else I'll be glad to, just leave a request for me!

[myeagleexpert]

Saudade

Contents: Yuu returns home, but the story isn't over.

Saudade is (in Portuguese folk culture) a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent, but you can only miss something real…right?

So why does Yuu wake up in the middle of the night afraid the ceiling might collapse at any moment? Sometimes she can't go back to sleep peacefully, which is why she sits on the porch and watches a black cat go by, jumping from window to window after anyone who will give him his can of tuna.

It's so weird for Yuu to “return” to normal when she knows she hasn't gone out or traveled for a long time but she feels something is off. She swears that her colleague Carter has always been a redhead, when the blonde actually wanted to dye it black. She was going to order some sweets from Trey Baker's bakery, a taste of delicious homemade food fills her mouth with saliva as she goes to the address, but when she stops in front of her destination her mouth, previously salivating, is stunned to discover that there never was a bakery like this , the neighbors have no idea who the Clover family is.

Her school friends never question her ability or knowledge.

"Why did you miss this potion? Can't you do it yourself?" “How do you not know something so simple? This is taught in primary schools” “Aaah, did you do your homework today? Let me copy"

She didn't listen to discriminatory words or conversations that she should think twice before answering, on the contrary…

“Your hair looks beautiful today, what did you do?” “Yuu, can you help me with this lesson? You are the best in this field” “Yuu dear, let me help you with these boxes” “You draw very well”

She would go to the zoo with her family and stare at the lazy lion hoping its eyes were venomous green and the hyena's laugh sounded different. Did I already mention the white wolf? He refuses to be buddy-buddy with anyone but as soon as you take your eyes off he's wagging his tail at them.

In restaurants she refused to eat the sea foods she always liked, for some reason the eels, octopus and shrimp made her want to vomit.

It's a strange feeling… have you ever felt it?

As if you haven't seen your family for years, when in fact it's only been a week?

As if she hugged someone, and in their warm, comforting arms she suddenly felt the chill of missing them?

Like you're experiencing new feelings in old things… or you feel a different excitement when trying the same route every day.

As if you live in a warm environment where you feel protected and loved for the first time.

By day, it's easy to dance between similar faces or conversations you've had before, it's easy to play a “game” you already know the rules. Yuu ignores these feelings during the day, when the sunlight keeps her warm and the youthful wind carries her carefree laughter.

But at nightfall, in her warm bed, the sheets trap her in terrible dreams where figures that are probably dear to her, “people of her heart” Yuu calls them, are people who live in her heart and, even if she has forgotten who they are, their presence is constant in her mind. Like false memories, or strange déjà vu, Yuu wonders what was real and what wasn't and keeps these turbulent thoughts to herself.

Dreams seem to know the answer. The heart people that Yuu feels she loves and values so much, weren't always heart people. The crimson tyrant carries a feeling of anxiety and cuts deep in the throat, the ambitious king stalks her like prey relishing her fear as claws dig into her arm, the merchant of the depths has a charming smile and calculated words, it would be the same as play a board game with the certainty that you would lose, after all, octopus arms control your every move. The throat tightens filling with sand when challenging the desert sorcerer, the shards of glass were the only thing that was warm as the blood spurted in a dark cold in the desert.

The beautiful queen made her eat poisoned apples and a sadistic smile appeared on her face as the deadly poison made her fragile body lose color and dark spots rotted her body. The divinity of the underworld preferred to burn the protagonist and leave her to suffer in a dark cloud, causing the torture to be prolonged. The dark king brings a sense of betrayal from a dear friend as thorns pierce his body.

Yuu falls out of bed, ironically…her fall saves her from a sad end.

A paralyzing fear invades Yuu, every shadow in her room seems to want to attack, the voices seem to get louder and louder screaming insults at her, a cloud of eyes and witnesses look for her weak points, a hurricane of emotions devours her piece by piece…

knock knock knock

“Honey, are you okay? I heard a noise”- her sweet mother's voice cuts off Yuu's panic as she opens the door

"I fell here, but I'm fine mommy"

It was just a dream.

“Would you like a glass of milk or some tea?”

It was just a dream.

"No need, I'm going back to sleep."- she tries to reassure her mother, who puts her hand on her shoulder

“If you say, good night.”- the mother despite being worried leaves the room, she is also very sleepy

The girl goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night, clearing her thoughts before bed.

Is not real.

If it's not real, what are those scars on her arm and neck? Where do these octopus sucks come from? When did this happen? Where did these black spots come from, it seems that the color does not return to normal there.

Is not real.

As she checks out her legs, she sees aged scars from burns on her right leg and on her left leg you don't see the marks where the thorns tortured her skin, but when you run your hand over it, if you get close enough, you feel it's always been there. .

It was just a nightmare.

That's what Yuu tells herself before going to sleep, a peaceful night will help her forget about these problems. The sight of green fireflies dances to a familiar rhythm, which in their hums works like lullaby music. Where did these fireflies come from?

Gentle rays of sunlight wake her from her sleep, as she goes downstairs she is sure that eggs would be a great idea to start the day and go training, a strong and healthy body is synonymous with a strong and healthy mind! An apple, she eats suspiciously due to the events of the previous night, her mother appears reminding her to eat healthy meals, to apply sunscreen and moisturize the skin, a person's love.

His father, “bonjour belle famille” shouts kissing each one on the forehead, he started to learn French and lives practicing with his dear family.

The calm after the storm. The feeling. The emotion. The reason. Calm is real. The storm is real. But, what about the rain? The thunder? The wind that stun? Let's analyze.

A feeling of calm after the storm. But where does this calm come from if there was no storm in the first place?

Why do you worry so much about things that didn't happen… or did they happen?

Where does the lack of belonging come from if you've never been?

saudade is,in Portuguese folk culture, a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent, but you can only miss something real…right?