#but i like to think of him as having been taught to value control but by assassins so it's mixed up with violence in his head

[rottenpumpkin13]

A lovely group of people encouraged me to post this so fuck it !!

This is going to be a long post, bear with me, but I have a lot to get off my chest about Angeal. I’m starting with how people’s vitriol towards his character completely glosses over the trauma he endured within the game alone.

I understand that Crisis Core is a flawed game where characters like Genesis, Angeal, and even Zack didn’t translate on screen as well as they could have due to areas of weak writing and the context lost during localization into English. But at the same time, there are aspects of the game—background details—that shed light on why characters act the way they do and this is especially true in Angeal’s case.

Angeal is a character shaped not only by his upbringing in poverty, but also by the heavy emotional burden of depression and the disillusionment that follows his discovery of his origins. His actions might seem erratic or morally ambiguous on the surface, but they’re rooted in his mentality shaped by poverty, the ideals he built to survive it, and the eventual crumbling of those ideals.

When someone is raised poor—in Angeal's case, poor enough where it's implied that they didn't have enough to eat—they grow up with a scarcity mindset that comes with a sense of hyper-responsibility veered towards survival.

We know his father passed from exhaustion, working hard to pay off the Buster Sword, so we get the sense that him witnessing his parents work hard made him internalize the notion that he must work hard both to survive and to uphold honor at any cost.

Angeal’s preoccupation with the concept of honor is a direct reflection of his upbringing. Based on Gillian telling Zack in Banora that the Buster Sword represents their family’s honor, we understand that Angeal grew up being taught to value it. Without material wealth or privilege, Angeal built his identity around his ideals. He frequently reminds Zack that honor is the defining trait of a SOLDIER, showing how he clings to this concept to give his life meaning beyond his origins.

Growing up poor not only teaches you that you are undeserving of basic necessities, but it would teach Angeal to value stability and resources, no matter the moral compromises required to secure them. 

The opportunity to join SOLDIER and work for Shinra would've represented a way out of poverty. Shinra offered him a stable future and the means to provide for his mother (maybe even his father, though as I'm writing this, when Angeal's father died hasn't been revealed in the canon timeline. It's very possible that he also saw it as a way to provide and care for his sick father).

Using SOLDIER as a means to escape poverty—despite Hollander’s probable influence, let's be honest—likely became an underlying reason why Angeal didn’t abandon Shinra outright. In his mind, letting go of SOLDIER would mean letting things fall apart—losing resources, security, and a sense of control, which he was already losing with the desertion, the Genesis war, and the degradation.

This mindset also explains Angeal’s relationship with the sword his father gave him, as the Buster Sword represents the culmination of his ideals: hard work, honor, and the tools necessary for survival. But Angeal refuses to use the Buster Sword for fear of causing wear, tear, and rust.

Seeing his father lose his life over the sword, he resolved not to use it unless absolutely necessary, saving his resources until truly needed. It’s not that he’s stingy or nonsensical—this is textbook behavior for someone raised in poverty. He doesn’t want to waste or use up what’s valuable, especially knowing that his father died for it.

He's hyper-aware of his role in supporting others, and we can see this by his deep sense of responsibility toward Zack, like how he saved him in Wutai using the Buster Sword. When he says "You’re a little more important than my sword" I like to think that he means that, above all, he values the people he cares about.

However, the same ideals create tension within him the moment they crumble following his desertion. Not only his sense of honor, but as he learns the truth, his sense of self-worth begins to deteriorate and thus begins the downward spiral of not knowing how to reconcile his nature as a "monster" in his words, with being SOLDIER. 

Angeal’s depression is evident throughout Crisis Core, and the degradation of the Jenova cells mirrors the psychological and emotional degradation he experiences (literal implications aside).

The closer he gets to losing his body, the more he loses his sense of purpose and identity, not to mention how the honor he had built his life around was spoiled the minute the people who taught him that were his father, who turned out not to be his biological father at all, and his mother, who lied to him. His entire life. He starved for nothing and lost his father twice.

The depression Angeal experiences is compounded by the trauma of discovering the truth about his birth. Learning that he was created as part of Shinra's experiments, that his mother was complicit in these experiments, and that he is no more than a weapon for corporate interests leaves him rightfully betrayed. In fact, his reaction was tame in comparison to Genesis and Sephiroth.

His mother’s suicide further deepens his trauma and gives us the first major evidence of his suicidal ideation and severely unwell mental state: "My mother did not deserve to live, and neither does her son," which he says instead of explaining what happened/defending himself after Zack assumed he killed her.

This belief that he is unworthy of life stems directly from the revelation that his life was never truly his own but an engineered existence meant to serve Shinra's greed. This statement epitomizes his suicidal ideation, a declaration that he too is undeserving of life, both because of the role he played in perpetuating Shinra’s horrors and the labelling himself as a monster undeserving of life, an unnatural thing that needs to be purged from existence.

I can’t even begin to describe the magnitude of the revelation that the man whose ideals he built his life around, whom he believed was his father, isn’t his father at all but instead Hollander is, who his mother worked with to orchestrate everything that’s happening to him now

Mothers are a central theme in FF7’s world, with Jenova/Lucrecia being at the center of that and their actions’ influence over Sephiroth, but there’s also Cloud grieving his mother’s death at the hands of Sephiroth, Tifa believing that she would see her mother again if she climbed Mt. Nibel, Aerith watching Ifalna die and then being adopted by Elmyra, and so on. 

Gillian, from what we can tell, was loving and raised Angeal with care. She likely kissed him to bed each night, comforted and nurtured him in the way a devoted mother would. But the revelation of her involvement in the Jenova Project shattered everything Angeal believed about her. In Angeal's words, her "shame" became unbearable, and he saw her once nurturing presence as a facade hiding deeper lies. Her decision to take her own life after he confronted her about it added to Angeal’s trauma, reinforcing the belief that everything he held dear was built on deception. 

I like to think that there was a part of Angeal that carried the guilt of Genesis’ degradation. Maybe he thought that if he hadn’t come between them in the training room, Genesis would’ve been fine—(which I don’t think so. I think there’s a high chance Genesis would’ve gotten hurt either way and that would’ve triggered the degradation).

This is a topic for another time, but I don't think any singular person was to blame for the incident in the training room. They're all equally to blame without it being their fault, because none of them asked to be a part of the Jenova Project. It's ultimately Shinra's fault.

Angeal probably struggled with depression even before the events of Crisis Core. Poverty itself is a destructive force that can cause lasting psychological damage. It has a significant impact on mental health, just like how growing up under Hojo’s abuse and being controlled by Shinra had its effects on Sephiroth. It can and does lead to depression due to the mental, emotional, and often physical (hello, Angeal's father) exhaustion it causes. Even when someone escapes the instability, it still stays with you because by then, you've learned to live in a world that taught you that you didn't deserve to live in it unless you work hard.

And now Angeal doesn't want to live in it for other reasons.

Another thing @ilminnestrone pointed out to me (who, btw, huge shout out for beta’ing this post <3 ), is how his mental state was influenced by the culture of toxic masculinity within the military/ SOLDIER. Just like in the real world, the military environment at Shinra likely placed a heavy emphasis on masculinity, strength, stoicism, and left little to no room for vulnerability lest the operative in question was deemed weak and not at all befitting of the shallow profile of a hero Shinra capitalized on. 

In environments like these, Angeal is expected to always be in control, to suppress any emotional or mental struggles, and to uphold an image of unshakable resilience, especially when he was canonically considered to be the spiritual leader of SOLDIER.

This expectation of constant strength absolutely exacerbated whatever pre-existing struggle he had going on—circling back to how being raised in poverty has long lasting effects on mental health. Rather than being able to openly process his feelings about his degradation, his mother’s betrayal, Hollander being his real father, or where he fit in this new reality of his, he was still trapped in a role that demanded he shoulder everything in silence. 

Keep in mind that in a culture where admitting weakness is often seen as failure, Angeal’s (and Genesis’) deterioration would’ve been magnified tenfold by the toxic expectation that they maintain an appearance of unwavering strength. 

This combined with the rigid ideals Angeal built around honor and the nature of his job must’ve weighed on him for years. The mutation only exacerbated potential doubts that were already there. 

Angeal's actions in the narrative are not those of a clear-cut hero or villain. Instead he occupies an in-between space where his moral compass, traumatic experiences and actions inspired by his headspace constantly clash, which is what leads to his label as a hypocrite. 

His decision to defect from Shinra and join Genesis is not a simple act of betrayal but rather the result of his overwhelming internal conflict. On the one hand, he wants to get through to Genesis and help him, he's aware that Shinra has betrayed them, but on the other hand, his ingrained sense of duty and loyalty makes it difficult for him to fully break away from the organization and responsibilities he has like, for example, Zack.

He wants to do good but knows that his conception was not a product of good intentions. In his mind he's a monster being pulled in different directions at once. If anything, this is most realistic reaction to what he’s going through in the game. 

His behavior becomes erratic as he oscillates between opposing forces—one where he remains loyal to the values he once cherished, and another where he acknowledges the harsh truth— struggling to reconcile his identity as an honorable SOLDIER with a science experiment.

This moral ambivalence is a symptom of his deeper trauma, as he tries to cling to the remnants of his previous beliefs, which is why he’s still enforcing having dreams and honor despite his actions. 

Some dialogue from the game where Angeal acknowledges his headspace: 

Angeal: I need your help

Zack: Do you?

Angeal: 

Zack: Honestly, what are you thinking Angeal?

Angeal: I'm not really sure myself. At times I feel as if my mind is mired in fog. 

The scene where he sprouts his wing and jokes about being after world domination is another key glimpse into his mindset. At this point, the joke isn’t entirely a joke—it’s a reflection of his resignation to the role the degradation has cast him in. The line about a monster’s objective being world domination is a bitter acceptance of the fact that, in his mind, he has no choice but to fulfill the destiny that was engineered for him. 

He feels trapped. And yet when Zack compares him to an angel, his response is: "Then what should an angel fight for Zack? What do angels dream of?! Angels dream of one thing... To be human."

He wants the cure and the normalcy so badly, but in his mind, the "monstrosity" is something that sets him apart from humanity and a reminder that he is different, degraded, and no longer the man he once believed himself to be.

Angeal's ultimate decision to force Zack to kill him is the culmination of his depression and his struggle to reconcile his identity. He believes that his continued existence is something that needs to be purged, something that poses a danger to those around him, something that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

He wants to pass on the ideals of honor that he once held so dear, even if he feels unworthy of them himself. In his mind, the only way to regain some form of dignity is to die by the hand of someone who still embodies the values he once believed in. 

Zack as his student represents the purity of those ideals—untainted by the knowledge of Shinra's experiments and degradation. By having Zack end his life, Angeal seeks not only an escape from his torment but also a way to pass on his legacy to Zack.

His final words: "Protect your honor, always."

Angeal made his dreams clear earlier when he said that an angel's dream is to be human. When he dies, passing the Buster Sword to Zack is not only a way to protect his honor but also a fulfillment of that dream. At that moment, there's nothing more human than dying at the hands of someone else, rather than succumbing to degradation.

This act, while devastating (and yes, extremely traumatic for Zack), is consistent with the psychological profile of someone who has suffered long-term trauma, depression, and suicidal ideation. 

Might be controversial but at this point in the rant fuck it: Condemning Angeal’s choices shifts all the sympathy onto others while entirely overlooking the immense suffering he was enduring. People often focus on how his actions impact those around him—Zack, Sephiroth, and others—without ever considering what Angeal himself is going through. All the above mentioned, the shame, the suicidal thoughts brought on by the degradation and his subsequent actions to purge himself from existence, they’re all pushed aside in favor of examining how others are affected. Everyone was affected, yes, and Zack deserves all the sympathy in the world for what he was made to endure in Crisis Core.

But I feel like this erases Angeal’s pain and frames his ultimate decision as a betrayal rather than a desperate act of self-sacrifice driven by his own emotional struggles.

"Oh, but Angeal was a terrible friend, Angeal was a bad mentor, Angeal was a hypocrite." Here’s the thing: If you’re someone who sympathizes with Sephiroth for having a traumatic past that led to a mental breakdown and burning Nibelheim, if you understand Genesis’ destructive actions as a response to degradation, then you can sympathize with Angeal for his turmoil and his position in Crisis Core.  

Angeal’s spiral is rooted in a lifetime of hardship—from growing up in poverty to confronting the existential dread of his degradation. He wasn’t just a man falling apart. He was someone trying to uphold the honor he cherished, even as his world and his sense of self crumbled around him and forced that honor he held so dear became hollow. 

His actions make sense within the context of his mental state.

I'll end this by saying that this isn't a rant to defend his actions, but rather to defend the mental health aspect that may go overlooked when discussing Angeal, which is such an integral part of his character.

[redsrooftopprincess]

hey so how do you think the bayverse boys would deal with a s/o where they stress bake or cook when they’re upset. The boys experience this for first time. Coming over and s/o has made too much food and is a 5 star chef, not cuz they were taught how to cook. They’ve just done this a lot for years that now they’re just good at it. “I forgot what I was upset about… there’s too much here. Wanna help me eat it all?”

As someone who used to have a stress baking problem I 1000% relate to this. 😅

Sweets

Gn reader x Individual Turtles

No warnings, just marshmallow fluff

It's been a rough week, one thing after another, and today you hit your limit. You don't even remember what did it, but whatever it was was the last straw, and when you get home, you go straight to the kitchen.

Eventually, it's pushing 3am and you look around you in desperation as you've finally run out of counter space.

Shit.

A sound behind you catches your attention...

Leo

"Uh-huh..." He says, looking around him in disbelief as you squeak and spin around. This was something he had not expected from you.

You fidget nervously, Leonardo values self restraint, especially in the face of heightened emotions. You were really hoping he wouldn't find out about this particular quirk.

"So... baking." He says, thoughtfully.

"Yeah..." You reply.

"Special occasion...?" He asks hesitantly, his eyes turning to you. He doesn't show it, but inside he's panicking that he's forgotten something. There's been some elevated gang activity lately, and they've been pulling double patrols. Fuck. He *swore* he'd never let you come second, how could he forget... whatever... today is? What the hell kind of boyfriend is he???

You shrug, trying to appear cool, but more embarrassed toward the end, "Bad week. I just kind of wanted to feel like I was in control of something... it may have gotten out of hand."

A crisp cool wash of relief floods his nervous system. He didn't let you down, and this he understands, the need to feel in control. He looks around at the sweet laden counters once more.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Better, mostly..." you admit, sheepishly.

He nods, looking down at you with that boyish smile, "Then baking seems to have worked." He gestures you with a hand towards the counter with a smirk, "Shall we sample the fruits of your frustration?"

You grin and his hand rests at the small of your back as he leads you to the closest counter. You laugh, sip wine, and sample pastries until morning, sending your boyfriend home just before sunrise with a large box of treats for the family.

Raph

"Wow," you hear from behind you, and you cringe before turning around. He's leaning against the door frame and surveying the warzone that's become of your kitchen.

His eyes finally land on you with a raised brow, "Something got you worked up, Sweetheart?"

Your face burns, "Just a shitty week," you say, embarassed.

He nods, looking around once more before pushing off off the door frame and striding over to you. He slips one hand around your waist and takes yours with the other, giving it a gentle squeeze. He looks down at you with a soft smile, "Feeling better?"

You shrug, trying to hide your smile "Yeah I guess,"

His eyes narrow and his smile becomes a smirk before he dips his head and attacks your neck, kissing and nuzzling, leaving you gasping and giggling.

"How 'bout now?" He asks, when he finally pulls back with a grin.

You nod, laughing, resting your head on his chest as he wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

"Good." He says, giving you one last squeeze before walking over to the cabinets to retrieve plates, and snatching a toothpick out of a pan au chocolat.

You send him home later with a sampling of each confection for everyone. They don't make it there.

Donnie

"New hyperfixation?" He asks, curiously as you squeak and spin around. He's standing there with his arms crossed over his chest looking around, impressed.

You shrug, "Stress."

He nods.

He walks over to you, kissing you on the forehead, "And now?"

You look around at the chaos, "Overwhelmed," you laugh uncomfortably.

A smirk turns his lip and you swear you see his eyes sparkle, "Does that mean... you might need help disposing of them?"

You grin and nod, relieved, "Yes, please."

He kisses you sweetly on the mouth before squeezing you once and releasing you.

He spends a few minutes separating out some treats that the others might like and packaging them up for later, and the remainder of the evening trying to ignore how good you smell covered in frosting. He fails.

He doesn't make it home.

Mikey

"Holy Shit, babe," you spin and see the love of your life standing behind you. Big blue eyes wide, he looks around the kitchen as you fidget in place.

He laughs gently at the chaos, "You know, I already think your perfect, you don't have to keep proving me right."

You're face grows hot as he walks up to you and kisses you sweetly before pulling back with a gentle look of concern, always hyper aware of your emotions, "You okay, Angel?"

"Yeah," you say, laughing lightly, "I don't even remember why I was upset anymore."

He beams down at you, "That's great! And now we have dessert!" He cups your cheeks in his hand, squishes them, and kisses you one more time, "How about I go boot up the PlayStation and we eat ourselves into a sugar coma till morning?"

You beam back up at him, pecking him on lips, "Now you're proving *me* right."

There are no leftovers.

......

Tag list:

@thelaundrybitch @the-cauldron-witch @fyreball66 @ninnosaurus @tmntngl @thegirlwiththeninjaturtletattoos @zagreustomb @ramielll @silverwatergalaxy @gornackeaterofworlds @footninja

[hawkinsbnbg]

Everyone thought it was their little game, but it was more than what it appeared to be.

subspace, nonsexual dd/lb, daddy kink

Steve saved Eddie's number on his phone under 'Daddy'. And his contact on Eddie's phone was 'Baby'. Everyone thought it was their little game, but it was more than what it appeared to be.

After having dinner and doing the dishes together, they cuddled on the couch to watch some TV shows.

The night went on without much fanfare, but perhaps it was his long and stressful day at work, or perhaps it was Eddie's fingers combing through his hair; either way, Steve kind of had started drifting at some point without meaning to.

"Daddy?" he mumbled, not understanding why everything felt syrupy all of a sudden.

Eddie's eyes were on him in an instant, "What's wrong, baby?"

It was hard to think when he felt so warmth and safe at the moment.

Rubbing his cheek on the soft fabric of Eddie's hoodie, he glanced up to meet Eddie's patient gaze, "M'thirsty."

With a fond kiss pressed on his forehead, the older man stood up and tugged him gently until he rose to his feet.

"Let's go get you some water, yeah?"

Steve could only nod and trail after his boyfriend as a teary yawn broke out of him.

Once he was fed enough water to soothe his dry throat, Eddie booped his nose to gain his attention.

"What d'you want, baby?" Eddie tucked a stray hair behind his ear.

Sitting on the kitchen counter, Steve hooked his ankles behind Eddie's legs and shook his head with a pout, "Dunno, I-" Another yawn cut him off. "I just wanna be w'you," he admitted softly.

Eddie's face turned gooey at that, "Me too, sweetheart," and leaned in to give him a tender kiss, causing Steve to melt like ice cream under the golden sun.

By the time Eddie guided him upstairs and into their bedroom, Steve was floaty and sluggish—a combination that got him unable to do anything besides listening to his daddy.

As usual, Eddie helped him get ready for bed with gentle hands and practiced ease. From brushing his teeth to changing his clothes, Eddie did everything while Steve only had to follow his instructions.

They had talked about this a lot and been hesitant about whether they could make it work or not. Mostly, it was Steve who always based his value on his usefulness, and thought he needed to work hard to earn his boyfriend's affection.

But time and time again, Eddie had proved him wrong, that Steve deserved to be taken care of, and that Steve could trust the older man to love him unconditionally.

He had been wary at first, and yet, didn't expect it to be so easy to get under, to let himself fall into Eddie's loving arms.

Since then, it became just another special part of their relationship, a safe haven for Steve and even Eddie when life got a little too rough for them.

In a sense, the dynamic had helped them understand each other and also taught them to communicate better.

These days, Steve could let go of his self-control around Eddie without fearing the consequences. And likewise, Eddie could confine in him anything without worrying about being judged.

Steve was aware they were more than boyfriends at this point. That he could take a leap of faith and knew Eddie would always be there to catch him.

"Love you, daddy," Steve whispered once they slipped beneath the blanket with his head pillowed on Eddie's chest.

"Love you more, baby boy," Eddie planted soft kisses on his brow, eyelids, and finally the crown of his head. "Sweet dream, angel."

And just like that, Steve closed his eyes, knowing he was right where he wanted.

Home.

[vigilskeep]

hiya!! I never learned much about oghren besides what I needed to because, from what I remember, he pissed me off so bad with misogynistic comments that in both my playthroughs I kicked him out of the party as soon as the game would let me😂what would you say is the appeal of his character? it seems there’s more to him if I could’ve got past that, based on the posts of yours I’ve seen

i’m not going to make an argument for pushing through if you can’t deal with how he talks because like, it sucks and as i say, they did not do anything with it or make him get better on that. that being said, i think there is something interesting to his character and what can be done with it.

maybe i’m just desperate for dwarven lore lmao. there are three, total, dwarven companions in the series, counting one from a dlc, and i will take whatever lore i can get from my beloved orzammar

oghren operates in a really fascinating space in orzammar’s caste system. he’s born warrior caste, and once, he was everything orzammar values and a great prospect for a brilliant girl from the smith caste. then when she’s less than twenty and he’s presumably around the same, she becomes a paragon, a living legend, the voice of the ancestors. they soar up to being a noble house in a role neither of them are prepared for. oghren goes from being a very desirable match socially to an uncultured hanger-on who doesn’t even have branka’s attention as she becomes obsessed with her work (and quietly seeks a lover elsewhere in her new house). when branka goes into the deep roads two years before the events of the game, she takes the whole house—except him. and she doesn’t come back. oghren’s the single leftover of a house with no head. he’s also a berserker with ptsd, and when he loses control of himself in the proving arena and kills a young man, he’s no longer allowed to fight within the city bounds. if he left it, he’d be casteless; but inside it, he’s not far from that, unable to be the warrior that orzammar’s culture has always told him it is his only role and purpose to be.

there’s a lot of orzammar caste and gender politics in all of that. the guard who tells you about oghren says that he might have been something to be afraid of before the assembly “practically gelded him” by banning him from fighting. losing your ability to perform your caste role is emasculating and oghren’s over-exaggerated masculinity in his crude jokes is a response to that perceived shame. even before the ban, orzammar has the biggest gender inequality of anywhere we’ve spent time in thedas, and there’s a lot of implied social loss in becoming the lesser partner to his wife. both because she’s a woman and was once a lesser caste than him. in his fade nightmare, he’s drunk in tapsters, as strangers berate him for being a shame to branka’s house, dragging it down. he’s openly mocked in the same way in orzammar for all of this. for him in this dream, and in his life prior to meeting the warden, it’s easier to drink than to listen

there’s a lot to get into about how orzammar treats its warriors. they’re sent against the horrors of the deep roads, taught to harness this berserker rage, to be the only thing that stands between their home and the darkspawn, and... then what? is there a system in place for taking care of those veterans? i doubt they hold the same value once they lose the ability to perform their caste role. oghren talks a little about this, but he’s not even able to conceptualise that he should have been helped, it’s more like, how could they teach me how to fight out there like that and expect me to be able to hold back in that proving fight? a warrior’s going to do what a warrior’s going to do! but i don’t think it’s a surprise that someone like oghren turns to alcohol and i sincerely doubt he’s alone in that. compare it to someone like warden brosca’s mother turning to alcohol to deaden herself to life in dust town, and you can see that the dwarven love of drink so often played for laughs is the weight of the caste system in action

[iamnmbr3]

"Riddle thought he was special" he was????

I KNOW!! That bit is just absolutely wild. Until Dumbledore walked through is door, Tom Riddle was the only magical person he knew. He lived surrounded by Muggles. He was the only person in his whole miserable little world who could talks to animals and affect the world around him with just his mind. THE KID CAN DO MAGIC! That's pretty much the definition of being special! Also the first thing he actually says is "I knew I was different." Which again. He IS.

He's not like any of the people around him. Which is isolating and confusing. But also validating. A source of strength and pride for someone who has nothing and lives a violent difficult frightening existence. Someone who is hated and feared by the people around him. And remember, no matter hw unusual his control over his powers at such a young age was, at one point his acts of magic would have been as random and uncontrolled as any other wizard child's. Which means he probably got blamed for a lot of accidental magic that he had no idea how to control.

Also the way he's all 'I knew it' is really telling in the context of him thinking that Dumbledore is there to forcibly institutionalize him. Not only does it tell us about the kind of fear he's been living with. But also it suggests that perhaps a small part of him wasn't sure. Somewhere a tiny part of him fears that maybe he really is mad.

And what child hasn't dreamed of being special. Of growing up to do great things or discovering some secret hidden ability. And every child deserves to feel special sometimes. Children shouldn't be taught to be arrogant or self centered. But being made to feel special and valued and loved is an important part of a normal and happy childhood. And it's something that Tom has been totally denied. Tom, who has so little and is so alone and disliked, deserves to feel validated and special for once in his life.

And anyway. He literally is. He IS different. He IS special. He can use magic. And not just that. Even by wizard standards he is exceptionally gifted. Those are just objective facts, not arrogance. And it is the height of hypocrisy for Dumbledore, who frequently makes reference to his own genius and talent, to act as though Tom's words in unguarded moment of emotion are somehow evil or worthy of punishment.

Tom is reaching out, being unguarded with an adult for the first time in that conversation - perhaps ever. And what does Dumbledore do? He makes him feel small and powerless. He uses punishments and threats. He teaches Tom once more the lesson that his life has so often hammered into him that the world is divided between those with power and those without, that that there is no mercy, no kindness, no goodness with no string attached - only power and those too weak to seek it. What kind of a lesson is that? This was his opportunity to show Tom something else. How much might have been different if anyone else, anyone capable of basic kindness and compassion, anyone capable of putting their ego aside and treating a hurt child as a child, had walked in the door that day instead?

[cosmic-walkers]

"isn't it funny how alicent's sons are misogynistic but rhaenyra's aren't"

I think we've been over this before but we will do it again. Alicent was forced to have her children, while she was a child. These children were not born out of love, or passion, they were born simply for Viserys to fulfill his need for a son and to push for the Targayrean dynasty. Alicent was an unwilling vessel for that. She did not have the loving environment to cultivate a healthy relationship with her sons because she was always under the thumb of misogynistic, sexist, abusive men (Otto, Viserys and Larys). Up until this moment, Alicent has not even existed for herself. She doesn't understand what it means to exist out of the gaze of misogyny, nor what it means to put herself and her desires above men. So yes, her sons are misogynistic toward her, Aegon dismisses her or tries to, as does Otto, it is a pattern and just now Alicent is learning to defend herself.

LIKE please understand Alicent herself, until now, has only existed as a vessel to push what men want. Even making Aegon king is in her mind, what Viserys wanted. Her sons are misogynistic toward her because up until recently, she's been taught that was her purpose.

Rhaenyra grew up in an environment where her father, despite her being a girl, still made her his heir and at that very moment went back on hundreds of years of tradition. He valued Rhaenyra as more than a vessel or a tool to push the Targaryen dynasty, he did not see her the same way he did Aemma and Alicent - he viewed her as someone who deserved agency and power. Therefore the men in Rhaenyra's reflected that when interacting with her (most of them).

If the king of all people valued Rhaenyra and made her his heir despite being a woman, then she would grow up to believe that women existed outside of the whims and desires of men. She grew up in an environment where her worth as a woman was elevated and she was genuinely seen as a person. She did not have the same life as most women around her and of her generation. She had far more freedom and grace than Alicent. And again the men in her life who lived in proximity to that reinforced that; Laenor, Corlys, Viserys. She was also blessed to be in the company of women who grew up privileged enough to believe that women did not exist only for men's consumption - i.e, Rhaenys and you can even consider Laena.

THAT SAID, of course, when she has that support her relationship with her sons will be different. Her sons don't see her as an obstacle or as someone to ignore because she had the ability and the foundation to correct, or rather, never instill that form of teaching.

I actually loved seeing the contrast of motherhood. We have all been saying Alicent was forced to have Aemond and Aegon, and we can see that as the show goes on, she starts to detest them - barely seeing him as sons IMO. And well, that makes sense. The things she hated and that confined her she begins to see in her own sons. i think it's realistic.

Wherein we have Rhaenyra, who has a very pure, and loving relationship with her sons, Jace specifically. Jace enters, calls her 'Your Grace', and respects her as a queen first and mother second. Then he crumbles into her arms and they cry together. He doesn't just see her as an equal, and i'd venture to say he doesn't. He sees her as above him, as his queen, she has to break the barriers to be seen as a mother. And it isn't a failure in her relationship or raising him, it is the opposite actually. It shows that he respects her, and that he understands her place as rightful queen, and his place as her heir.

REGARDLESS, I'd love to have discussions on Alicent and Rhaenyra without either being shamed or torn apart for things they couldn't control. There is so much comparing and contrasting to be done that would be fun if not done through the scope of misogyny and stan wars.

[littlefankingdom]

~ Green Arrow: Seeing Red

Really, another moment from Jason showing that his education stopped when he was 15.

The idea that Bruce and Oliver respecting life and refusing to kill is a result of their "pampered upbringing" is ridiculous. It's, firstly, pretty classicist, because portraying the elite has innocent and morally superior while the lower classes are violent and prone to murder, is classicism, even if the person saying that is from the second one.

Secondly, it's plain wrong. The elite, with it's "pampered upbringing", they don't give a fuck about hurting others and taking lives for their own gain. For THEIR greater good, they will do awful things. Open a history book, Jason, because killing less fortunate people by labelling them rapists or murderers is an extremely commun tactic used by the elite. The black folks in the USA, the Palestinians since WWII, the Parisians workers in June 1848... It was just used by the French gov to send the GIGN after a romani family, and if there is one thing European gov work hard for, it's painting Romani as violent and dangerous to justify using excessive violence. YOUR BROTHER IS ROMANI, JASON! Bruce and Oliver refusing to kill, seeing values in the most disgusting people, is them going AGAINST their upbringing. And if they did kill, as they both are very privileged white man in the US, it would be a huge abuse of power. They would be just like the others, members of the elite that kills for their own gain.

I need all of you to understand that Jason isn't speaking about fighting oppression, because that's what a lot of the fandom think he does, but he doesn't. He isn't speaking about the French killing Louis XVI, or black slaves murdering their white owner. He isn't talking about killing someone like Vladimir Putin or Bernard Arnault (one of the richest men on Earth, a French fascist that is destroying multiple countries with the power of his money). He isn't speaking about killing someone that has so much power and influence, they are untouchable, and the only solution we have rn seems to be their death. I would be fine with that, I would bring the champagne afterward. No. Jason is speaking about killing criminals that can be arrested and brought to justice. He is talking about everyday people that are also bad people. And that, that's not acceptable. Because just like I explained in the paragraph before, it's an abuse of power that has been used since forever. He acts like a cop.

"But, he is just talking about doing bad things to survive!" No, he is using that, a commun experience he and Mia went through, to open the discussion on killing people. And, sure, let's talk about doing bad thing to do good. Neither Bruce or Oliver are against that. They are both vigilante, WHICH IS ILLEGAL. I have not read much Green Arrow comics, but I know there is this important run with Hal Jordan where Oliver taught him how to fight for a better society, you have to be nasty sometimes. He is supposed to be an anarchist, and anarchists know you have to do bad thing for the greater good. They did terrorist attacks targetting presidents, for fuck's sake! (In France, one of our president was assassinated by an anarchist) And Bruce, well, he saw how corrupt his city was, especially the politicians and the cops, and he chose violence, which isn't legally good, and even immoral some would say. He took politicians out of their bed and tangled them from the highest building they own by their socks. And he had a plan to unite the crime family under his false identity Matches Malone, so to take over Gotham's underwold, which would have made THE crimelord of Gotham, just to protect the city and control crime.

In the end, what is happening here is that Jason is annoyed that his dad isn't okay with him killing people, so he decides to try to recruit another teenager by beating her up. Like, if every teenager kill with him, it makes it okay. And really, Jason, grow the fuck up. It's normal for a parent to not want their kid to be a murderer. No good parent would want their kid to kill people.

[bestworstcase]

In vol10, how do you think they’ll play the specific ramifications of what Yatsuhashi did to Jax at the end of before the dawn?

The book left me with the impression that Jax would be a shell of his former self. In the animatic we get a glimpse of Gill and Jax but the gist of that interaction is a smile they share. Likely this is meant to suggest their bond is stronger after the events of before the dawn; but in this case I’m more interested in the possibilities/impacts Yatsuhashi’s mind wipe may have on a main vol10 antagonist’s mental state; and how that may effect the story and its themes.

I don’t love the idea of sweeping this “wound” Yatsuhashi inflicted on Jax under the rug with a hard reset. Kind of want it to matter for these characters, y’know?

Maybe Jax is a little spacy and this time he’s going along with what he thinks Gill wants because he vaguely remembers her as his one anchor and doesn’t exactly remember why he wanted this so much in the first place? (I knew someone who had dementia and he wouldn’t always admit that he didn’t know what was going on and he just went with it; but he was so scared and confused all the time.) Jax is following Gill now.

Maybe instead Jax has brief moments of clarity where he is exactly the person he was before Yatsuhashi domed him but then most of the time he’s dissociative, glassy eyed, and barely there; and Gill’s pulling him along trying to jolt him back to who he used to be. All while hiding his condition from their followers.

I’m not married to any one manifestation/interpretation but I am interested in this being a further exploration of the unraveling of the Self and self-actualization. What are your thoughts?

we-ell as is often the case (lol) im pretty far out of step with most of the fandom here because i am and have always been really skeptical of the face value reading of that scene. like “yatsu completely erased jax’s memory and the book ends with jax in a vegetative state” never made sense to me to begin with –

that is an outcome yatsu spend the entire story worrying about because he’s scared of his own semblance to the point of hating it whenever he has to use it, so i’m inclined to take any “oh god what have i done!?” freak outs in that vein, in the heat of the moment while there’s a battle happening and yatsu was just fighting for his life with a guy determinedly trying to turn his memories into porridge, with a large grain of salt.

in addition:

yatsu and jax have counter-semblances; yatsu can completely negate the effect of jax’s semblance on somebodies mind by literally just jostling them – erasing the most recent couple seconds of their memory. he doesn’t even need to target the false memories specifically, just touching their mind with his semblance is sufficient to negate jax’s.

because of this, yatsu is naturally resistant to jax’s semblance.

doesn’t it follow logically that jax might likewise have a natural resistance to yatsu’s? oil doesn’t mix with water any better than water mixes with oil.

furthermore,

The boy shook his head. “No, no—he’s fine. The meditation exercises Yatsuhashi taught him seem to be helping his memory.” Velvet nodded. She had a suspicion it was more than just the mediation exercises that were helping Edward. No one knew for sure what Yatsuhashi had done with his Semblance when he’d tried to heal Edward’s mind … even Yatsuhashi wasn’t sure. His ability was to erase memories, but it was possible that there was more to Yatsu’s Semblance than that. It was something Glynda had emphasized in their second-year classes at Beacon: Semblances can grow as people do. It was reasonable to assume that he might have been able to nudge Edward’s mind enough to give him better recall and help reverse his degenerative mental disease. But Yatsu had always focused more on controlling his power than testing its limits and seeing what else he could do. He hated messing with people’s minds.

edward caspian is an elderly man living with some type of dementia whose mind yatsu tried to heal with his semblance, and evidently he succeeded to some degree. and the narrative framing contrasts this fact—that yatsu can heal damaged minds—explicitly with yatsu’s fear and dislike of his semblance in a way that suggests his fear is not necessarily rational. it’s rooted in a traumatic childhood incident where he did cause very real harm by accident, yes, but because of that trauma, yatsu focused very narrowly on restricting and controlling his semblance and consequently thinks of it as strictly a horrible, dangerous curse with no potential for anything good.

(he is, in this way, very like qrow.)

now! the specific circumstances of the struggle between jax and yatsu are, i think, worth taking into consideration here. jax is trying to pull yatsu under control again by twisting his memories; yatsu counters by trying to make jax forget an unspecified (but likely quite brief) amount of time in order to neutralize jax’s semblance.

(i think the motivation is very important: regardless of whether yatsu did or didn’t push his semblance harder than he meant to, he was pushing it toward the goal of eliminating the threat posed by jax’s semblance, under the kind of stakes we’ve seen incite changes in semblances for other characters, and this is in the context of the narrative already being pretty unsubtle about setting up for yatsu’s semblance to evolve in some way.)

this occurs at a point during the battle in which it is now clear to everyone that the crown has been defeated. jax is injured (“A bullet pierced his left arm. He cried out and saw blood. He felt the burning pain.”)

moments ago used his semblance on his twin sister to force her to keep giving him aura, believing she would otherwise leave him to die. the reason yatsu wins this struggle is gill funnels her own aura from jax to yatsu at a critical moment, and then tells yatsu that 1. she was never under jax’s control at all, and 2. she did all of this, including betraying him, because he’s her brother and she loves him and she knew she and he would both die if she didn’t stop him.

in every other instance, when yatsu jostles someone out of jax’s control, they’re disoriented and hazy for a little while afterward. so jax has that on top of having just been shot and his sister betraying him but also revealing that his long-held self-hating belief that the only reason she stuck with him and gave him the aura he needed to live was because his semblance compelled her obedience was completely untrue because his semblance doesn’t work on her at all, and he’s just suffered a crushing martial defeat in the cause he staked his whole life on.

of course he’s just laying there sobbing silently in stupefied shock!! i just don’t think that jax having what is a completely understandable emotional reaction to, waves hands, all that as seen through the eyes of a boy who’s terrified of his own semblance is a cut and dry case of tabula rasa.

what i think might have happened is that yatsu did something to jax’s semblance. think about it like this: on top of being the kind of high stakes crisis that could easily have caused yatsu’s semblance to evolve on its own, the pivotal moment occurred when gill took the aura that was powering jax’s semblance and gave it to yatsu instead.

jax’s semblance can:

twist real memories

implant false memories

yatsu’s semblance can:

repair memory damage

erase real memories

we know, from what’s going on with oscar and ozma, that mingling two people’s auras over a long period of time results in a convergence between the two consciousnesses; and we know, from jaune’s discovery of his semblance, that a similar but far more limited phenomenon occurs when two auras are mixed temporarily—jaune is able to amplify weiss’ aura for her while she is unconscious. and we know from qrow and clover that even without any aura-mixing, two people with similar-but-opposite semblances can incite growth in each other’s semblances by way of shifting perceptions and challenging beliefs about what is possible—qrow gains more control over his semblance by learning to see it from clover’s point of view.

so what happens if you mix the auras of two people with similar-but-opposite semblances while those two people are actively semblance-wrestling? well,

i’d think that the likeliest outcome is for the semblance receiving aura to change in a way that reflects or imitates the semblance it’s receiving from, and perhaps vice-versa.

and if you think about what jax’s semblance does and what yatsu’s semblance does and the way yatsu’s negates jax’s—what do you get if you add memory-twisting to a semblance that can both erase memory and heal damage to the mind’s ability to remember, and refract the memory-twisting through the prism of a character who finds the very idea of messing with someone’s mind repulsive? well, my answer would be that you change the memory-twisting into something that seeks to heal instead of seeking to control… like, say, untwisting cognitive distortions to cause the target to see something clearly. for example.

alternately: what happens if you give yatsu jax’s ability to use his semblance on many people all at once, while yatsu is striving to block jax’s semblance? maybe breaking every binding jax had all at once, rather than (as before) having to jog every victim’s memory one at a time.

or maybe you inflict that horror and fear of messing people’s minds on jax, essentially reflecting his semblance back at him in a way that causes him to feel how yatsu feels about these powers—even if only fleetingly.

or—well, we know it’s possible to steal somebody’s semblance, and the basic essence of yatsu’s is about erasure. might it be possible to erase a semblance? wipe the semblance itself back to whatever inchoate protean state a semblance has before it manifests for the first time? push it back down into the unconscious again?

now that we’ve gotten clear confirmation that jax isn’t, like, in a vegetative state, i think it’s pretty likely that either,

yatsu really did wipe way more of jax’s memory than intended and has since used the healing side of his semblance to repair most if not all of the damage, even at the risk of making jax dangerous again, because his conscience (rightly!) compelled him to do so – a thematically salient narrative direction vis-a-vis salem and, ultimately, also the god of light, or

yatsu made an incorrect assumption and what actually happened is more along the lines of similar semblances ricocheting in an unpredictable way – which opens doors for a lot of dynamic things to do with jax as a character and potentially allows for his semblance to be more/less of a danger now depending upon the needs of the vacuo arc.

so there’s some narrative advantages in either direction. i do tend to think that the relationship between the asturias twins will be different and specifically more balanced than in the book, less because of semblance-induced changes to jax’s psyche than because he knows now that he not only can’t but doesn’t need to compel her to not abandon him. there’s a layer of fear/resentment in the way jax views her in the book that is pretty effectively shattered at the end and her betrayal was explicitly predicated on gill facing the choice to save herself by letting him die, and her not being able to do it.

all that said i think it would be fun if jax didn’t really remember much of the battle, because those are the minutes that yatsu was specifically trying to erase, so he remembers gill not leaving him to die and those revelations but also has to trust her account of how the battle turned so decisively against them prior and you get the push-pull between the new revelations and his older resentment and distrust of her motives.

[mountainscouts]

I think Gary shouldn't be just a perfect overachiever gentleman that soothes Stan's depression. I don't dislike it but I also want to see Gary not have everything in his life in order, allow him to get angry, question Mormonism (racism, homophobia), pressure him with familial expectations (don't set bad example for his siblings, must marry a woman, etc), let him cut loose and party. Conversely, Stan isn't 24/7 doom+gloom. He can be stable, proactive and self-reflecting even before dating Gary.

WHEW. OKAY THIS ASK HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY ASK BOX FOR A WHILE NOW BECAUSE ITS JUST SO. SO PERFECT. where do i even begin?

okay, i have such a specific view of gary that is essentially this, seriously. when it comes to stary, people tend to gloss over gary as a character and while i can't really blame them for doing that, considering that gary is just a guy who has in total less than 3 minutes of speaking roles in his only episode, it's something i've noticed. while i wish that more people would explore him as a character with as much depth as stan, i've kinda just accepted that it won't ever be the case. BUT because of that, i've sort of hyper focused on these types of details about gary and built on his character more in that regard, going that exact direction you went in your ask.

gary, to me, is a well-polished & put together mess when he gets older. the church is such a fascinating and important facet of his life, and the fact that his character is so inherently & quintessentially mormon is a very accurate portrayal of a lot of mormons from SLC. with that, any type of interpretation of him that deviates from typical norms and values in the church is actually asking for a lot of character dissection. i understand that a lot of people would rather not, but i WOULD. and HAVE BEEN...

gary to me is gay, and i can't really see him otherwise. he finds this out– or at least has a feeling that he might be at a younger age, so already his sexuality giving him leeway in questioning the church and its beliefs. this starts leading him to be more self-aware of his societal and familial role, juggling his own beliefs, the church's, and by extension his family's. with this baggage, i guess, i'm sure it'll extend beyond that to his sense of self. what does he want to be? what does he want to make of himself? how can he feel so trapped, but by the loving arms of his family? so much to build and unpack here!!

speaking of his family, i truly believe they're ignorant folk, conservative, and traditional (inadvertently confirmed by how many children they have and how they all interact with eachother- even if that's just a joke, it proves my point that the harrisons are a decent portrayal of mormon families yet again). gary, being the middle child and if one wanted to write him as "the special one", makes for these dilemmas even more interesting honestly. from setting a good precedent for his siblings, following the path of his older ones, cramming extra-curricular activities as a means to both please his parents and even distract himself from his issues, to having to attend church meetings— it all piles up, all while his own contractions are fed more and more at the incessant exposure of daily life.

the reason why he's considered a polished mess is because he's your typical "looks like he has everything under control, actually under insane amounts of stress" character. i firmly believe that the harrisons have no ill-will, but i think the way that they raised their children falls strongly on the line of emotional neglect. their children were never taught any life lessons that'd help actually help them like- you know, regulating emotions. i've mentioned this in a previous post (and also elaborated on gary showing anger specifically) but i personally believe that while gary is a kind, and generous person to his core, there is an incredible amount of repression deep within him— a product of being raised with many, "boys dont cry"s, "love thy neighbor"s, and "forgive and forget"s. kindness specifically is actually an incredibly important aspect to mormonism, as it's a key part of the lifelong and ever present journey to celestial afterlife. but that's the thing: objectively speaking– this is just a way of control.

so when one wants to break free from this way of thinking, to lose this control, to break away from all they've known— their very livelihood— it's not going to come in the form of an overnight epiphany. in gary's case, considering how tight he is with his family versus his budding progressive views and drive to have more free reign over his self, it's going to be one hell of a struggle.

to touch on your point of him not getting everything he wants, i think that's another fundamental reason why he would question his standing in the church as well— depending on What he doesn't get. perhaps he doesn't want to serve his mission, but does so anyways. or maybe he simply had a bad day, but he can't allow himself to get upset, convincing himself that "things could be worse" as a way to make himself feel better, barring himself from healthily expressing his feelings. repeatedly saying "its okay" is going to be his downfall lol

and, i too would love to see him cut loose and party eventually- without a second thought that he'd be disappointing anyone.

okay now for stan. oh yeah that guy— no i'm just kidding, i'm also actually very picky about stan as well. :P most of your points about him align perfectly with mine. i don't like it when people woobify him to a point where his only/a major part of his character is his pessimism and depression, and while they are a part of him, it seems to be a big theme when people talk about stary. i definitely love the whole "i can fix him" thing gary has with him (because of gary's primordial urge to "fix" things and be persistent until he can't anymore) but that's definitely not all that they are!! (also gary's initial thought of "fixing" stan would already be faulty from the get-go anyways- but he will learn)

with stan, i think people tend to make him already pretty "helpless" in general fandom, and while he has shown to be more vulnerable than his peers, hes still pretty resilient. i do think that he would need a little bit of a push when it comes to his mental health, but that's only because he's found a way to cope with these issues- none of which are truly healthy. he's moreso content with being in a stalemate with himself and while he does wish he could do more, it takes a lot out of him to get out his more personal comfort zones.

kinda gives him another reason as to why him and gary are narrative foils, i just realized :P!!

but yeah!! i really loved this ask, and i probably really should indulge more in this aspect of gary >_<. its something i truly think about, and those who are close to me DEFINITELY know this! thank you for the ask and sorry it took so dang long haha. also thank you to those who read this behemoth, genuinely didnt expect to yap this much

[zykamiliah]

I’ve been thinking about how big reason SJ had so many problems after joining the sect is because he refused to become dependent on anyone else ever again. There are several points where we can see that the other Peak Lords had wanted to get closer to SQQ but his reactions from trauma meant everyone but YQY had given up. Had he been able to confide and find comfort in an equal I think he would have been able to build the safety net he wanted. We see that the peak lords are quick to defend each other once SY has spent sometime with them, they like being a unit. Ugh, if only SJ lived in a world where therapy wasn’t a good dicking.

the thing is, because of the way he grew up, he's always been competing with his peers, with the exception of yqy. he's of the mentality that being a (former) slave makes him inferior to everyone else, so he has to fight for everything: fight to keep his spot, and fight whoever threats his standing. ever since his cultivation base was ruined because of the abuse he suffered, he's become even more protective of that. his cultivation was the only real thing he had, that was truly his, the one power that no one could take away from him... and it was broken. then he goes to the number one sect and he has to compete to get to the top. he wants power. he doesn't want to be under anyone else's authority and control ever again. he wants to be the one ruling others. he wants to have the power to have how many luxuries he wants, everything he didn't get but wished for when he was young.

there's not a moment in his life where shen jiu ever learned to make friends, socialize... his most important relationships are almost entirely dysfunctional: qiu jianluo was his master and abuser; qiu haitang was fond of him but was naive, she's the second (since there was a slave jiejie who got sold but he remembers sleeping next to her) of the women he'll find comfort with later on; yue qingyuan is his childhood friend but they are not exactly harmonious after they reunite; ning yingying is just another qiu haitang for him while he plays the part of the master, reenacting the qiu household dynamics with lbh as the abused disciple; the other slaves he didn't like and would terrorize and compete with them if they didn't behave how he wanted, and yue qi always had to intervene for him.

sj never gets along with his peers, because in his mind they are his enemies; they want to take something from him, always. he never learns how to socialize, doesn't see value in it, and his relationship with yqy has taught him that the other person should be the one to put up with him, not the other way around.

the things he learned, he did from living in the streets and later in qiu manor and for a brief period of time with wu yanzi. he didn't have a natural predisposition to be friendly and no one taught him how to make friends and the benefits of having them.

sy did know that, because he grew up in a loving family and had normal relationships with his peers; sy is a social butterfly, he gets along with anyone he meets unless they are an enemy (and sometimes he's able to sympathize with enemies lol). sj didn't have the benefit of such an upbringing.

[elisysd]

12. Don't give me up, cause what about, what about angels

Masterlist - Previously - Next

Chapter soundtrack: What About Angels - Birdy

Charles saw you tensing after your mother’s cold greeting. He hated how you flinched as she was reminding you that being late was disrespectful towards your dad’s special day, that being away from home and in a big city had made you lose sight of the values they had taught you. But he hated even more how you simply smiled and apologized. He needed all his self control to not take your side, he knew how anxious this whole situation was making you feel, he didn’t want to make it worse by saying something he knew wouldn’t be well received.

The first thing he noticed in the house’s hall was the amount of family pictures, but instead of four people on them were only three. He recognised your mom, assumed the man beside her was your dad and when he thought he would notice you, it was instead your little brother. He couldn't be wrong, he looked exactly like you. The pictures were cut in a certain way that didn’t take him a long time to understand that you had been cut out of them. He felt a wave of rage hitting him. Why make you come here if your parents had gone to such an extent as to erase every trace of your existence? It was a twisted joke.

“You don’t even call anymore, Y/N. I knew it would happen, I’ve always said that being in a world full of sparks and empty promises would change you. You’re too gullible. You don’t even have time for your own family anymore. Not that you ever had.”

“You’ve never tried to ask questions about my job…” you mumbled as Charles put a comforting hand on your hip.

“I don’t need to. I know exactly what you do, you’re the talk of the town. The small town girl made it to the TV. There is no reason to be proud, playing a pretty face on tv… that is not what I raised you to be. And now you’re associating yourself with fair-weather friends…” she said, darting judgmental eyes on Charles. “I know exactly who you are.”

He didn’t have the time to reply as your dad entered the room and sat on the chair without a word. You sat too, Charles close to you as your mom joined your dad’s side. 

“How nice it is to finally see you alive.” he said, making you gulp.

“I’m Charles, your daughter’s boyfriend. Nice to meet you.” he introduced himself in a desperate attempt to drive the conversation away from you and the relieved sigh you let out made him think that you appreciated it. 

Lunch was awkward, punctuated with snarky comments here and there that you tried your best to ignore. Charles was trying to do the same but it was getting harder and harder for him to keep his calm. But it was when cake was brought that resentment and unspoken words finally came out in the open. You had taken your phone out of your pocket, wanting to show your parents all the beautiful landscapes you had the chance to witness. 

“Aren’t you ashamed?” your mom muttered.

“Why?” you turned your head to look at her in disbelief.

“Ashamed of following the sport that killed your brother. Ashamed of being with the man responsible for his death.” she sternly said.

You felt like a million daggers stabbing your heart all at once. You took a deep breath, putting your hand on his thigh, squeezing it lightly to indicate to him  not to react. It was something you had to do alone.

“F1 and Charles didn’t kill Luc, it was his leukemia, not anything else.” you replied, feeling a lump in your throat.

“If you had not introduced your brother to that stupid sport, he wouldn’t have been a fan and his illness wouldn't have turned that bad so quickly. He wasn’t talking about anything else than that sport and you. Until his very last breath. His last words were about Formula 1. It took my baby away from me and this is your fault. Both of you.” she finished, turning to Charles this time.

“If I can add something… I know I have no right to comment on this situation but even if I understand your pain, Y/N is not the one to blame. She…” Charles started, quickly shutted up by your dad.

“You’re right, you have no right to say a  thing. You don’t know what it is like to lose a son.”

“Maybe I don’t, yeah. But I know exactly what it feels like to lose a parent. I understand your pain. Truly. But with all due respect, you’ve already lost a son, you should be more careful to not lose a daughter by pushing her away and making her feel like a stranger in her own family.”

“We’ve already lost her the minute she decided to not show up at the funeral.” your mom spitted, making you close your eyes, trying to not cry. You wouldn’t give that pleasure to your parents.

“I think it’s best if we leave. It was a bad idea to come here, anyway.” you ended up saying, standing up, Charles following you. “You shouldn’t have invited me in the first place, if it was to treat me that way.”

You took Charles’ hand in yours and dragged him out of what had been once your safe place. Without a word you made your way to his car and rushed inside and it was only when the door was closed and that he had taken place behind the wheel that you broke down. He didn’t hesitate to pull you on his lap and let you cry on his shoulder, holding you tight.

“It’s okay, babe… you’re okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to feel bad, you have nothing to feel bad about. If you were believing your mom’s lies, I understand why you were so mean to me at the beginning now.”

“She is not entirely wrong, you know.” you sniffed in his neck. “At least about one thing, I should’ve been there for Luc’s funeral. But it was too hard for me. I didn’t want to face the fact that I would never see him again. I didn’t want to make the nightmare I was in real. because if I was going, it would happen exactly that. It would have made the pain real and permanent. I couldn’t.”

You put your forehead against his, trying to find a way to ground you. Charles drew small patterns on your hips, comforting you the best he could. 

“Let’s get some fresh air, okay?” he whispered against your ear.

You got out of the car and hand in hand you started to wander the streets of your childhood, telling him anecdotes and facts of any buildings and streets you were walking on and seeing.

“Tell me about Luc.” 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Everything. Whatever you want. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing with me.”

“He was passionate. About many things. History and art mostly. He wanted to work in a museum. And passionate about F1 of course. He knew a lot of mechanical stuff, more than I did. He taught me as much as I did, I swear. Maybe more. I was spending my weekends at the hospital with him to watch the races. When he was hospitalized, it was what kept him going. It was our thing, you know. Wait, I think I have a picture to show you.”

She took a photo out of her wallet and gave it to him. If he didn’t know it was a hospital room, he would have had a hard time guessing it. Everywhere were Ferrari and monegasque flags as well as a lot of merch. He was recognising one of his caps on the bedside table. Posters of his podiums were hung on the walls, his Monza’s win right above Luc’s head. Small replicas of his trophies were there too as well as miniatures of his helmets.

“A real fan.” he smiled.

“The best.” you sighed. “ You don’t know how happy he was when you won in Monza. It brought so much joy in his life. Even if it wasn’t for long. It was a tough time, he had just started to get hospitalized, he was very sick and pale and the shell of what he once was. And suddenly, he was feeling a little more alive. Because of you. Then, time went by and I had to leave for New York. It was the toughest decision I had to make in my life. At some point I was ready to take a year off so I could be with him…” 

“What made you change your mind?”

“Him. With time my dream became his. He wouldn’t have forgiven me if I was giving it all up because he was sick. He was talking about how amazing it would be if I was interviewing you. I bet he is the happiest up there.” you smiled, looking up. “One of his dreams was to meet you.”

“Maybe it is not too late?” Charles hesitantly said and you looked at him curiously. “Is he buried here?”

You nodded and he felt you stiffened.

“I've never been on his grave.” you confessed after a moment of silence. “It’s too hard and too painful to go there alone.”

“Good thing you’re not alone anymore, then.”

As you were making your way to the graveyard, Charles had to hold you closer to his chest with each step you were taking. You sobs were getting louder and your legs were shakier. It was breaking his heart, trying to see how much you were trying to keep it together.

When you finally reached the grave, at the back end of the graveyard, you fell on your knees in front of the black grave. Luc hated black. A black and white picture of him was also in the middle of the gravestone. It made you shiver. It was well kept, your parents were coming often. The lump in your throat had not gone away in the slightest, it was even bigger now, making you choke up on your own saliva. Charles wanted to hold you, wanted to get you out of here. The emotional devastation you were in was making him want to join you on the ground and cry with you. But he also knew you needed it. It was the closure you needed to move forward. He took a few steps away, giving you privacy.

“I’m so sorry, Luc. So sorry. Sorry about how I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most, sorry to have let you down, sorry to not have stepped up and measured up when I should have, sorry to not have been the sister you deserved. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t regret not being by your side. There are so many things that I should have done differently, so many things that I feel guilty about but none of them compare to how guilty I feel to not have said goodbye. I acted like a coward and I know how much you felt scared about dying. And how I promised you I would hold your hand until the end. I didn’t. I chickened out and I failed you. If I could go back in time, I would, just so I could look into your eyes one last time and hold your hand tight. I wouldn’t hesitate. I would trade anything for one last smile of yours. I hope you can forgive me, I sure can’t do that alone. But despite everything I’m happy and I’m not sure I should be. I fell in love and you would be ecstatic to know who I share my life with. He is supportive and kind and perfect for me. I wish we would have had enough time so you could have met him. But maybe after all, it’s you I should thank. Maybe it’s you who sent Charles on my way. Maybe it is your way of telling me that you are not mad at me. That you want me to be happy. If only you could give me a sign. I just want you to know that everything I do, I do it for you. Because I love you. Forever.”

You felt Charles’ arms around your shoulders as he crouched down beside you.

“Hey, Luc. I know we don’t know each other but your sister talks about you so much that I feel like I already know you. I would have loved to meet you, I know how big of a fan you are of F1. I would have loved to show you around the paddock, maybe I would have let you sit in my car. Anything to make you and your sister smile. You are brave and strong and I have nothing but pure admiration for you. I wish I could have met you. Don’t worry about your sister, I take good care of her and I don’t want to let go of her. I’m here for her for as long as she lets me but I hope it is a forever kind of thing.” he whispered as you looked at him with big and glossy eyes.

He helped you stand up, asked if you were alright and if you wanted to leave. He didn’t mind staying but he wanted to make sure you were alright, the day had been emotionally draining enough. When you nodded, he took you in his arms, engulfing you in his jacket so you weren’t cold and kissed the top of your head as you headed out.

“I’m so proud of you. So proud.” he said as you finally reached his car.

“Thank you. For being there. I don’t think I would have been able to do it alone.”

“You’re the strongest person I know. You would have done it at some point.”

“Did you mean it? What you said up there… About us being forever.” you shyly asked.

“I’m sorry it was not the best time to say it. But to answer you, I do. I’m not kidding, Y/N, I swear I can’t explain it. I don’t know how either but I just know. You’re the love of my life.”

Author's note: In laws meeting incoming... how do you think it will turn out? .

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[sam24seven]

Akashi. A very interesting and complex character from knb. This is my personal take on why I kin him. Feel free to add anything you'd like or tell me what you think, any and all feedback is welcome. Also my first language isn't English so sorry in advance for any mistakes I made.

So. Why do I relate to Akashi you ask? Well this one is a long one but I already talked to a lot of people about his character so I think I'll be pretty good at giving a summary about this.

Akashi is a character from the anime kuroko's basketball, he's introduced to us as the antagonist at first, as a crazy, sadistic perfectionist and a controlling person. As the show progresses, we find out he has DID, dissociative identity disorder which means his more "evil" personality (bokushi) is another part of his personality that gets out when he feels scared or threatened, a defense mechanism he developed to deal with the pressure he faced.

Akashi had a pretty hard childhood, with his dad being a strict father and a workaholic that demanded perfection from him, and his mother, the only person he felt loved and comfortable with after all of the things his dad made him face, dying (or disappearing, I don't think it has been confirmed) when he was around 9.

A feeling that was present a lot in his childhood was pressure, and therefore, a paralyzing, vital, overwhelming need to escape. Pressure to be perfect, pressure to live up to his name, pressure to be strong, to not make any mistakes, to not show any weaknesses, to not have any weaknesses, it's not that you can't show your vulnerability it's that you can't have vulnerability. You can't be human, you can't be flawed, you can't try you can only succeed flawlessly while looking like you didn't even try. Which is why akashi could never love himself, he was taught he should be perfect, that he's more then that, more then other people, more then himself, more then a human. Every time he finished a workload he needed to do, his father gave him twice the amount he did, because it was never about getting the mission accomplished, it was about making akashi the perfect robot, the perfect tool, the perfect son, the perfect soldier.

Something that standed out to me that akashi said once, and that I think summarizes perfectly why I relate to him so much, is him comparing winning to breathing. Now, it might look like what he was trying to say is that, like breathing, winning comes naturally to him, which is probably what he means to say, but the thing is breathing is not only something that you do naturally but something that you have to do to live. It's vital, and without it, you can't survive.

Akashi sees winning like breathing, something he has to do to live, like those cringy shirts that say "eat, sleep, watch anime, repeat" just that instead of watching anime it's winning because in his mind he must win. He needs to win. He has to.

In the battle against seirin, while akashi perhaps didn't want to lose, he needed to. And I think deep down in his original personality, he knew that he needed to feel what it's like to lose, to truly understand that winning is just a thing, and he doesn't have to do it to be worth something or survive. He can fail, and he'll still be there. He's human. He needed to fail so that loss will wake him up from the trance he was in. for Akashi, winning and being the best isn't just about success, it's a fundamental part of his identity and existence, something he feels he must do to justify his worth and existence. The loss serves as a turning point for Akashi, allowing him to realize that failure doesn't mean the end of his identity or worth. It helps him begin to connect with his other self again, and accept that he doesn't need to be perfect to have value.

Another thing that's important to mention is that the reason akashi's second personality is sadistic, mean, a bad person and all those other things, is because he feels like he's not enough of those things. Which is what I think a lot of the fandom gets wrong sometimes because the reason he has this personality in the first place is to protect himself from having to be those things all the time when he couldn't take it. He's not this strong, uncaring, cold, dominant person, he's scared and alone and feels like he has to be those things but he's can't. And that's where bokushi comes in. He's everything that akashi want to be but can't, sure they're similar in a lot of things because akashi himself is a smart and capable person, but the reason bokushi exist in the first place it to be all the things akashi had to be but couldn't.

I didn't exactly say what about him makes me relate to him because it's everything, this feeling that if you're not perfect, if you don't win in everything, it's not that you're worthless but you just can't comprehend it. It's not scary it's terrifying. it's chilling, incomprehensible, paralyzing. I relate to this feeling of acting like you're mean and perfect and can do everything and nothing bothers you, but you still want to run and hide and just have this perfect self that doesn't feel pain or guilt or love. He's a scared, pathetic, wear person, and he hides behind his other self because he's so terrified of the idea of not being what he needs to be. This is why I relate to him.

I have a lot more to say about this character and about so many others, so if you want me to write anything else I'll be glad to, just leave a request for me!

[myeagleexpert]

Saudade

Contents: Yuu returns home, but the story isn't over.

Saudade is (in Portuguese folk culture) a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent, but you can only miss something real…right?

So why does Yuu wake up in the middle of the night afraid the ceiling might collapse at any moment? Sometimes she can't go back to sleep peacefully, which is why she sits on the porch and watches a black cat go by, jumping from window to window after anyone who will give him his can of tuna.

It's so weird for Yuu to “return” to normal when she knows she hasn't gone out or traveled for a long time but she feels something is off. She swears that her colleague Carter has always been a redhead, when the blonde actually wanted to dye it black. She was going to order some sweets from Trey Baker's bakery, a taste of delicious homemade food fills her mouth with saliva as she goes to the address, but when she stops in front of her destination her mouth, previously salivating, is stunned to discover that there never was a bakery like this , the neighbors have no idea who the Clover family is.

Her school friends never question her ability or knowledge.

"Why did you miss this potion? Can't you do it yourself?" “How do you not know something so simple? This is taught in primary schools” “Aaah, did you do your homework today? Let me copy"

She didn't listen to discriminatory words or conversations that she should think twice before answering, on the contrary…

“Your hair looks beautiful today, what did you do?” “Yuu, can you help me with this lesson? You are the best in this field” “Yuu dear, let me help you with these boxes” “You draw very well”

She would go to the zoo with her family and stare at the lazy lion hoping its eyes were venomous green and the hyena's laugh sounded different. Did I already mention the white wolf? He refuses to be buddy-buddy with anyone but as soon as you take your eyes off he's wagging his tail at them.

In restaurants she refused to eat the sea foods she always liked, for some reason the eels, octopus and shrimp made her want to vomit.

It's a strange feeling… have you ever felt it?

As if you haven't seen your family for years, when in fact it's only been a week?

As if she hugged someone, and in their warm, comforting arms she suddenly felt the chill of missing them?

Like you're experiencing new feelings in old things… or you feel a different excitement when trying the same route every day.

As if you live in a warm environment where you feel protected and loved for the first time.

By day, it's easy to dance between similar faces or conversations you've had before, it's easy to play a “game” you already know the rules. Yuu ignores these feelings during the day, when the sunlight keeps her warm and the youthful wind carries her carefree laughter.

But at nightfall, in her warm bed, the sheets trap her in terrible dreams where figures that are probably dear to her, “people of her heart” Yuu calls them, are people who live in her heart and, even if she has forgotten who they are, their presence is constant in her mind. Like false memories, or strange déjà vu, Yuu wonders what was real and what wasn't and keeps these turbulent thoughts to herself.

Dreams seem to know the answer. The heart people that Yuu feels she loves and values so much, weren't always heart people. The crimson tyrant carries a feeling of anxiety and cuts deep in the throat, the ambitious king stalks her like prey relishing her fear as claws dig into her arm, the merchant of the depths has a charming smile and calculated words, it would be the same as play a board game with the certainty that you would lose, after all, octopus arms control your every move. The throat tightens filling with sand when challenging the desert sorcerer, the shards of glass were the only thing that was warm as the blood spurted in a dark cold in the desert.

The beautiful queen made her eat poisoned apples and a sadistic smile appeared on her face as the deadly poison made her fragile body lose color and dark spots rotted her body. The divinity of the underworld preferred to burn the protagonist and leave her to suffer in a dark cloud, causing the torture to be prolonged. The dark king brings a sense of betrayal from a dear friend as thorns pierce his body.

Yuu falls out of bed, ironically…her fall saves her from a sad end.

A paralyzing fear invades Yuu, every shadow in her room seems to want to attack, the voices seem to get louder and louder screaming insults at her, a cloud of eyes and witnesses look for her weak points, a hurricane of emotions devours her piece by piece…

knock knock knock

“Honey, are you okay? I heard a noise”- her sweet mother's voice cuts off Yuu's panic as she opens the door

"I fell here, but I'm fine mommy"

It was just a dream.

“Would you like a glass of milk or some tea?”

It was just a dream.

"No need, I'm going back to sleep."- she tries to reassure her mother, who puts her hand on her shoulder

“If you say, good night.”- the mother despite being worried leaves the room, she is also very sleepy

The girl goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night, clearing her thoughts before bed.

Is not real.

If it's not real, what are those scars on her arm and neck? Where do these octopus sucks come from? When did this happen? Where did these black spots come from, it seems that the color does not return to normal there.

Is not real.

As she checks out her legs, she sees aged scars from burns on her right leg and on her left leg you don't see the marks where the thorns tortured her skin, but when you run your hand over it, if you get close enough, you feel it's always been there. .

It was just a nightmare.

That's what Yuu tells herself before going to sleep, a peaceful night will help her forget about these problems. The sight of green fireflies dances to a familiar rhythm, which in their hums works like lullaby music. Where did these fireflies come from?

Gentle rays of sunlight wake her from her sleep, as she goes downstairs she is sure that eggs would be a great idea to start the day and go training, a strong and healthy body is synonymous with a strong and healthy mind! An apple, she eats suspiciously due to the events of the previous night, her mother appears reminding her to eat healthy meals, to apply sunscreen and moisturize the skin, a person's love.

His father, “bonjour belle famille” shouts kissing each one on the forehead, he started to learn French and lives practicing with his dear family.

The calm after the storm. The feeling. The emotion. The reason. Calm is real. The storm is real. But, what about the rain? The thunder? The wind that stun? Let's analyze.

A feeling of calm after the storm. But where does this calm come from if there was no storm in the first place?

Why do you worry so much about things that didn't happen… or did they happen?

Where does the lack of belonging come from if you've never been?

saudade is,in Portuguese folk culture, a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent, but you can only miss something real…right?

[saintsenara]

I actually think Snape would not have been able to produce a Patronus without Lily in his life! I can imagine that without being challenged with her innocence about the wizarding world as a child, without striving to deserve her friendship (failing eventually, but either way), and without his feelings for her grounding him, he’d have spiralled into a dark path much earlier, with no return ticket.

i actually don't back this, i'm afraid, anon.

in general, i really don't like the way the series uses two pieces of magic - the patronus charm and the killing curse - as a dividing line between the goodies and the baddies.

we know that the order shoot to kill - lupin tells harry that he's stupid for not doing so - and there's no reason why they wouldn't use a curse with a flawless [unless what you're attempting to blast is a bit of your own soul] outcome. we also know that at least one unambiguous villain - umbridge - can produce a patronus, and i see no reason not to assume that plenty of the death eaters also can.

indeed, how i understand the patronus charm is drawn - for my sins - from the workaround jkr gives on pottermore in an attempt to explain why umbridge is able to produce one, when the books emphasise the charm's connection to those of [in its view, at least] undeniable moral purity:

A rare few witches and wizards of questionable morals have succeeded in producing the Charm (Dolores Umbridge, for example, is able to conjure a cat Patronus to protect herself from Dementors). It may be that a true and confident belief in the rightness of one’s actions can supply the necessary happiness. 

i actually think this - the idea that the strength needed to produce the charm would be connected to one's level of righteousness - explains the way it features throughout canon much more neatly.

harry - generally completely unwavering in his belief in the righteousness of his actions at any given time - finds it easy to produce one. so do the members of dumbledore's army [who are able to be taught one of the hardest spells in the wizarding arsenal without any trouble whatsoever by a fifteen-year-old], who evidently aren't united by moral spotlessness [zacharias smith nation, rise up], but are united by the unshakable conviction that what they're doing is the right thing. hermione, in contrast, finds the patronus to be one of the only charms she struggles with outside of controlled spaces - not, it's clear, because she's less noble or less happy than harry, but because she's bad under pressure, and clearly panics too much to ignite the unbending, righteous spark needed to call her patronus up.

[and voldemort - who clearly can't produce one - finds himself in this position not because of the atrophy of his soul, but because his inability to be honest about anything - especially his inability to be honest about the inevitability of death and the value of love - makes it impossible for him to have the requisite strength of purpose.]

and if there's one thing we know about the adolescent snape, it's that he thinks he's got all the answers.

part of the collapse of his friendship with lily comes from his inability to understand why she won't just shut up and accept his view of the world - why she won't defer to his opinions on the marauders, why she won't be moved by his insistence that mulciber's use of dark magic was trivial, and why, it's heavily implied, she doesn't agree with his evident belief that voldemort will help them both [lily is, after all, just as in need of a powerful patron to help her navigate the entrenched class-system of the wizarding world]. he doesn't become a death eater while entertaining a kernel of doubt - he becomes a death eater because he's one hundred percent on board with what the lads are planning for the world.

his damascus moment switches the force of that conviction - makes protecting [and then avenging] lily the only thing he thinks it's worth living, fighting, and dying for - but it doesn't create it. he was prime patronus material all along. it was just a crow carrying a knife, rather than a doe...

[shannonsketches]

I was reading this post about Frieza but I didn't want to spam OPs notes with my rambling but Yes yes yessssss same hat same hat!!!

I described Vegeta to my friend as Frieza's favorite dog who spends his career being so unwittingly smug of how well he's learned to hold his own leash --

He's subconsciously learned the How To's of Power from Frieza's detachment, isolation, and precise self-control (knowing a saiyan's strength is in his rage while ignoring that rage comes from a place of emotional investment).

The manga/Toriyama's version of their relationship differs slightly from Toei's EU, largely in the way that Vegeta was being raised by his own father to usurp Frieza at some point, and take his place as ruler of the universe. It didn't start with Frieza, for Vegeta, but Frieza certainly compounded it. By all accounts, Vegeta seemed to enjoy his work, and was very proud of how good at it he was. But pride means as long as you're working for someone else, you're not good enough. And restoring Saiyans to the top of the food chain seemed to be King V's ultimate goal, vicariously through his record-breaking son.

But this seemed to be the goal of both their biological fathers, and what I imagine Frieza liked about Vegeta. It's also something I think Vegeta liked about Frieza. Relating to someone you have several plans to kill, in some quietly fucked up way to be less alone.

But Frieza wasn't only afraid of super saiyans! He was also afraid of what a group of powerful saiyans were capable of, which invites noting that he told Vegeta it was cowardly to rely on others, and that it was proof of ones weakness, while knowing Saiyans were historically deployed in groups. Teaching Vegeta to hang back while his underlings -- not peers, not friends -- did the work, until he -- the special one, like Frieza -- had to step in and solve the problems they weren't strong enough to handle.

Because those were weak Saiyans, who needed teammates. Not like Vegeta. Vegeta was a special Saiyan, who could do it all by himself. Both Frieza and King Vegeta told him so.

Which is probably what King Cold taught Frieza, too.

Part of the reason I think Frieza is/was headed for a redemption arc in Toriyama's version of the story (the manga/recent movies) is because Vegeta and Frieza are largely the same shape in terms of archetypes and story paths -- both born into what are essentially mafia families, both had callous fathers who valued their power over their person, both given no choice in their careers, both powerful enough to be surrounded by sycophants, both smart enough to know better than to call anyone a friend.

The major difference is that Vegeta was suddenly and completely removed from that environment and forced to adapt to a newer (softer) one in order to get his rematch with Goku, and Frieza immediately returned to his army to work toward his rematch with Goku. Vegeta didn't have a home to go back to, and Frieza did. Vegeta was forced to grow and change, and Frieza wasn't. Vegeta was unceremoniously pushed out of his self-isolation (and comfort zone), and Frieza was plucked up and happily curled right back into it.

His change is on a much slower track, but he's still experiencing the same furious denial and obsession with being better than the enigma called Goku that Vegeta did. I definitely agree that Vegeta was scared, and we're seeing that fear in Frieza too. This notion that your value lies wholly in your power -- a theory both King Vegeta and King Cold telegraphed to their children, and one Vegeta continued to witness and embrace while working for Frieza -- is deeply embedded.

It took Vegeta over a decade to start accepting it wasn't true, surrounded by people who kept choosing him even when he failed and rebelled and did all the things he should've been condemned to death for, by Frieza Force standards. Frieza was dead all that time, and when he came back he was pulled right back into the waiting arms of his old toxic environment, and even commented that he noticed they didn't want him back until his power was useful to them.

In the anime/toei versions it seems like the Saiyans are enslaved, but in the manga/toriyama version the Saiyans are absorbed into his empire, effectively just put under new management but still able to keep their culture and homes and monarch, the monarch just had a new boss (who also had a boss, more or less, which was beerus). So in the manga/Toriyama versions of the writing, it seems like the only part of Vegeta's job he didn't genuinely enjoy was the fact that he had to do it for someone else.

The biggest issue he has, at first, with learning what Freeza did was that he'd been lied to and used, knowing his rebellion would've come sooner if he'd known -- and that's humiliating. By the time he's five, he's already numb to the experience of war and death. He's already got his own command, and Saiyans rarely all make it back. By the time the truth is revealed to him, he doesn't care about his parents or his comrades. He cares that he, Vegeta, the Special Saiyan, was stupid enough to fall for a lie.

He feels genuine fear for the first time in his life when he faces Frieza's final form and realizes, that's it. There's no getting stronger. There's no next time.

He chose to brag about tearing up that luxury leash, and it was a gamble he lost. The unraveling of that sympathy and compassion hits him like a truck when he's dying and suddenly it's Very Real that there's no one left to remember him or his planet or his people or care about what happened to them or do anything about it (an important and poetic justice -- an exercise in empathy -- for all the peoples he gladly did it to (and, by his own admission, would have with or without Frieza)). He's modeled his life after his father, and after Frieza. He has no friends. He's not strong enough to be valuable anymore, not with Goku around. Nobody is going to wish him back. Nobody is going to miss him at all.

So Vegeta gets killed while he's having a fight-or-freeze panic attack, in which he freezes, and it's a thing that keeps happening to him from that point on, for the rest of Z, and throughout Super. The most embarrassing kind of proof that he feels safer in the company he kept on Namek, and actively recovering from the life he led before.

Frieza, ironically, doesn't have the freeze response. Frieza's panic is frantic and manic because, like Vegeta, nobody is going to miss him at all. He doesn't have any noble cause to hold onto like Vegeta did -- the one that's his own fault. He's set up all of the dominoes that are falling on him, and he's got nowhere to run except back to the place that taught him his only reason for being is his power, and -- just like Vegeta did -- he's spiraling because Goku showed up and made it a game. There's nobody safe for Frieza, except -- just like Vegeta -- in the company of those same people. People who should, by all accounts, want him as dead as anyone.

idk where i'm going with this, I just really enjoy their parallels and I am very intrigued by Frieza's arc lately.

I can't decide if I want Vegeta to destroy him or lose the battle and win the war with some familiar banter like they had in Res F but painful and recognizing himself in Frieza (or vice versa, rather) and give Frieza a whole mental break about how the two of them are probably the only people in the universe who will ever really Genuinely Understand each other, for the twisted humor it is.

I don't want Vegeta to forgive Frieza, I don't think that's the answer to all stories like this, even when the themes are about love and forgiveness I don't even think he's particularly forgiven Buu yet, tbh. I think he'd have to be dying again to chat like that, the way Vegeta does when he's about to die. But I think it could be a really good scene, and I think it would fuck Frieza up to be offered something of a broken olive branch just to lose it again because he's already killed it.

Maybe they're out of senzu beans. Maybe he's killed Dende already. No healing. No dragon balls. All the boys are down. Vegeta's wound is fatal. Frieza's won, but Vegeta's getting that last laugh in by being just a little nostalgic. A little sentimental in reflecting on their history. Give Frieza that nice familiar panic Vegeta knew so well; That little alarm bell that tells him he's got nothing left to strive for and no one left to know him. Let Frieza shatter so he can have some space to grow.

And the thing is, it's a gamble he's already won. Geets doesn't care if Frieza changes or not. He's dying, and there's no telling whether or not Bulma will figure something out before he's reincarnated. Do better or don't, this is fully not his problem anymore. xoxo!

[leafsheep]

I see a ton of people in the TWST fandom mischaracterize characters so here is the first of possibly multiple character profiles + analysis I have done on TWST characters to perhaps help those that want to write fics about them.

I’ll start with one character I have written a lot for (some analysis borders on theory):

Riddle Rosehearts

General Overview

- 17 year old male

- Upper or Upper Middleclass

- Raised in a two parent household with parents who have marital issues.

- Only Child

- Both Parents have achieved higher levels education and are Doctors

- Second year high school student

- Attends four year boarding school, students ranging from ages 15-20

- Born and raised in the Queendom of Roses (An Archipelagic Country with what appears to be one main island)

Source Material

- Riddle is inspired by the Queen of Hearts from the Disney adaptation of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carole, Alice In Wonderland.

- Both Lewis Carole’s original writings and the Disney adaptation portray the Queen of Hearts as a childish woman with a quick temper and a penchant for punishing people by ordering that their head be chopped off.

- It’s shown that the Queen of Hearts is unreasonable and quick to act without thinking, as she resolves all conflicts with her orders of beheading.

Beliefs and Values

- Rules-> Riddle strongly believes in the upholding of rules, any breaking of a rule, big or small, should be punished.

- Education-> Riddle places emphasis on education, people should strive for a thorough understanding of subjects and maintain high marks throughout schooling.

- Relationships-> Riddle does not have many friends, but he wishes to have more, he’s exceedingly loyal to those he deems friends, and gives them his trust. He also has a strong loyalty to his family and the values his family has instilled in him.

Childhood and Upbringing

- Riddle’s mother and father fight often, and Riddle himself is aware of this, it is unknown if these fights have been occurring all of Riddle’s life or if this is a more recent development.

- Riddle’s Mother is a controlling woman who micromanaged her son’s life up until he attended Night Raven Academy. She is known to have made schedules for his entire day, manage his education by giving him lessons when he wasn’t at school, manage his meals and calorie intake, and isolate him from children his age.

- Little is known about Riddle’s father beyond the fact he is a doctor and that he fights with Riddle’s mother, but it can be assumed he was aware of Riddle’s mothers treatment of their son, and was either unable to stop it, uncaring enough to stop it, or complicit in it.

- Riddle was seen to have very little free time as a child, the only known free time being when Riddle was delegated time for independent study.

- Riddle was not seen to have gone outside much as a child, but it can be assumed that at some point he was either signed up for horseback riding lessons or taught riding by his mother based on his skill shown in his ceremonial robes vignette. (As it’s unlikely a teen who’s also busy with being a Housewarden and classes would be at a skill level high enough to impress Royal knights, who have likely been riding for years, with only one year of practice)

- Due to being isolated in his early life, Riddle grew up without friends, as a child he met Trey Clover and Alchemi Alchemivich “Che’nya” Pinka, who convinced him to go outside and play with them as well as try a Strawberry tart, when caught, Riddle was taken away and berated for not listening to his mother. He also had his individual study time taken away as punishment for breaking the rules. Riddle also witnessed Trey’s parents being berated for allowing Trey to be such a bad influence on Riddle when this happened.

Behavior

- Riddle is short tempered, he’s extremely focused on his goals and extremely dedicated, when things get in the way of his goals he can easily get irritated.

- Riddle has a tendency to overreact to things, when he sees people who’re breaking the rules he gets unreasonably angry and often reacts with his unique magic “Off with your head!” which forms an ornate collar around the neck of the target which restricts the target from using magic.

- Riddle is displayed to have a compulsion or compulsion like need to follow rules, even going so far as finding ways to follow rules that seem impossible, such as figuring out how to “dry off by taking a walk in the ocean” by walking around in the Octavinelle dorm until he was dry.

- Riddle is prideful, but also aware of and working on his shortcomings, he’s shown to be shameful of his rashness and how he has harmed his classmates, but he still upholds his ideals such as pushing himself and his house to get high grades.

- Despite being strict and short tempered, Riddle is very kind and dedicated to the others in his house and and other students who ask him for aide, he exhibits this many times in dialogue lines where he offers to help people understand material they’re struggling with and instances where he shows support for his underclassmen, such as attending Ace’s basketball game when invited.

Analysis and Interpretation

- Riddle Rosehearts was raised by a controlling mother who would emotionally abuse him when he went against her rules, this instilled a deep rooted fear within him. If Riddle breaks a rule, something bad will happen. He cannot break a rule, it terrifies him to break a rule. Riddle also wants to protect those around him from this as well, since he saw how Trey and his parents were treated by his mother. Riddle enforces the harsh punishment of temporarily taking away peoples magic in order to protect them from the worse consequences of their actions and stop them from committing more offenses.

- Riddle wants to be liked by his peers. He’s not purposely trying to separate himself from them by punishing them as Housewarden nor does he necessarily think himself better than them. He wants to make friends with people, he’s only ever been able to make friends with Trey and Che’nya. He wants to be a normal kid, but he can’t, he doesn’t know how to interact with people his age and that makes it hard for him to make friends.

- Riddle could have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)-> people with OCD have three main symptoms, Intrusive Thoughts/Obsessions, Compulsions, and Anxiety. The intrusive thoughts of someone with OCD pair with a compulsion, creating the anxiety: “If I don’t (carry out the compulsion), (Intrusive thought) will happen.” OCD is more likely to develop when someone experiences trauma or when their parents exhibit similar behaviors, and Obsessions and Compulsions usually have themes. Riddle has experienced trauma from his upbringing, watched his mother make such meticulous schedules that he had to follow, and has an apparent belief that breaking the rules will end in something bad happening, which leads to the possibility that his need to follow the rules is a theme of his compulsions, especially since he goes to extreme lengths to follow them and gets upset when others don’t.

There’s more I can say but I think this is a good sort of reference sheet for anyone looking to write about Riddle as a character.