#but i kinda disagree so i just came here to talk out loud i think

[backfromtwitterforw]

The question of "is tr!bad manipulating tr!ros" is very interesting because it can be summed up in what do you call "manipulation".

E.g are your friends manipulating you when they try to prevent you from going back with your ex? Or when they encourage you to pursue a goal they think would benefit you? And is that manipulation if they try to show you why something you did is bad in their eyes? Or if they push you in what they think is the right way for you? Where do you draw the line between advice and manipulation?

On one side, tr!Bad did encourage tr!Ros to kill and/or let the violent part of herself out more. And yes, he emphasised her insecurities, trying to make her think about how The Kingdom has been treating her. That can legitimately be seen as tr!Bad trying to manipulate tr!Ros.

On the other side, even without tr!Bad's intervention, she would've still have a violent side in her (as everyone does I believe). She did feel underappreciated and believe herself less worthy than other Kingdom's member. Her insecurities and her will to change things were really her own from the start.

!Bad lived for so long and had his heart broken so many times that he reached the conclusion that he should now do his own thing, rely on himslef only and keep everyone at arm's reach. When facing an unhappy tr!Ros who only see value through other's eyes, he jumps to the conclusion that what she needs is what worked for him: find self value and self happiness regardless of what others want. So that is what he tells her when she came to him for advice, to get motivation from herself. And all tr!Bad said was "what do YOU want".

Ofc, tr!Bad has his own agenda that we don't know much of yet, but after tr!Ros vague answer that she wants to protect the Kingdom and make everyone happy, tr!Bad just encourage her in that way.

And then, you have tr!Aimsey and Kingdom's members. They see tr!Ros who appeared calm getting more and more into combat training, trap building and revenge scheme. They don't understand why she still crave validation when they do their best to make her feel appreciated and that she belongs. So they try to make her realise that the path she's taking isn't what they consider the right one, that the feeling she has may be just that, a feeling with no evidence to support it.

So, who is manipulating tr!Ros here? Is tr!Bad the villain for validating her feelings and pushing her to be more self centered? Is tr!Aimsey and the Kindgom's members bad for trying to talk her out of a way they think dangerous?

My answer would be that none of them are actively manipulative. Each have their own view on life, friendship, loyalty and happiness. Each genuinely give the best advice they can with the biaised view they have. And it's up to tr!Ros to decide who she wants to listen to.

[blushweddinggowns]

Eddie threw an arm over Steve's shoulder, bringing him into a half-hug, “So, what did you guys think?”

“It was great!” Steve said quickly, relaxing into Eddie’s side, “You guys killed it, dude!”

“He’s right,” Robin agreed, “It was awesome! Super, duper fun and we’re so glad we got to see it. But actually, we kinda got to go-”

Eddie frowned, the loose grip he had over Steve’s shoulder tightening on it’s own accord, “Go where? Don’t tell me you guys are tired already?”

For some reason, Robin didn’t look at him after he asked the question. Instead she looked to Steve, a brow raised as she waited for something. But then Steve was giving her a subtle nod, her queue to start talking again. She leaned in closer, whispering as loud as she could in the noisy environment, “So… you’re like cool, right? Steve said you were cool.”

Eddie cocked his head at her, beyond confused, “I-yes? I guess?”

“About the thing?” She pressed, jerking her head his direction, “Steve’s thing?”

“Oh!” Eddie blurted, finally catching on. But he still didn’t get what Steve being gay had to do with them ditching. He nodded quickly, “Very cool with it. Have zero issues.”

It was almost true. Whatever issues Eddie had with Steve’s sexuality involved his own bullshit more than anything else. Plus, his answer had Robin smiling. Gesturing for Eddie to lean in closer, “Good. Because we, um. Share the affliction if you catch my drift.”

“That’s fine,” Eddie said, not missing a beat. He had kind of figured that out along the way. Considering the process of elimination on who could have possibly talked Steve through his queer thoughts. Not that Eddie cared, “No problem here.”

“Good!” She said with a grin, “Then you know just how limited our options are where we live. And according to an insanely pretty girl, there is an honest to god gay bar, like a few blocks away!”

Eddie swallowed, discomfort suddenly settling in at the suggestion, “T-That’s where you guys are going?”

“Yeah!” She said excitedly, setting her sights back onto Steve, “It’s time for someone to realize that we are hot enough to flirt and be flirted with! Closets don’t matter when you’re hours away from home.”

“We share the exact same closet,” Steve groaned, “Don’t start preaching to me.”

“And tonight we can escape from it!” Robin argued, “Come on! Eddie’s going to be busy with his friends and groupies anyway. What else are we doing-”

“I’m actually not that busy,” Eddie interrupted, trying his damndest to keep his voice calm. Suddenly, he felt nauseous again. He didn’t-He knew Steve could handle himself. He did. B-But creeps were everywhere! And he wasn’t used to being around guys who only wanted one thing and Robin would be distracted with girls a-and Eddie was really struggling with this idea.

Though Steve seemed to disagree. The next thing he knew, Steve was smiling back at her. Letting out a good-natured sigh, “Fine, fine! We can go. Someone has to make sure you don’t get kidnapped.”

“Oh my god, yes!” Robin nearly squealed, bouncing a little in her seat, “This is gonna be so fun!”

Eddie’s heart squeezed uncomfortably in his his chest at the excitement, dread starting to fill him. He opened his mouth, words escaping before he could even think of it, “Sounds like you two might need a D.D. I can do it.”

It was probably the first time Eddie had ever invited himself to something he clearly wasn’t a part of. But he had to give himself some credit for how smoothly it came out. 

Robin looked up at him, clearly surprised, “Really? It’s not exactly your scene.”

Eddie shrugged, “It could be. I like George Michael.”

Steve snorted next to him, “That is the one true gay litmus test. You got us there.”

“Seriously though,” Eddie pressed, refusing to let it go, “Then you can both drink, dance, have fun. And not worry about how you’re getting back to the hotel.”

“But don’t you want to stay here?” Steve asked, “Robin wasn’t kidding about the groupies. You should have heard what some of them were saying.”

“You could definitely get laid,” Robin added. She was staring at him now, looking at Eddie in a way that seemed a little past confused. Like she was examining him. Testing him. Or maybe that was just in his head. 

Eddie held firm, “Maybe, but I’d rather hang out with you two vs playing wingman to the boys. What do you say?”

“If you really don’t mind…” Steve said, trailing off. But Eddie could tell that he was happy. He could barely keep his smile to himself as he looked to the side, biting his lip in a way that Eddie fucking knew other people would notice. How could they not? 

from the next chapter of this fic

[dearweirdme]

Hii, it’s me again, here to reply to you and to those other anons!

First, as a general thing, my point wasn’t really to open a conversation about Minsung specifically, nor to convince people about them (even tho the first sentence of the duet they released together is literally “I fell in love with you unexpectedly”; now imagine Taekook being the ones to sing that…). Watching them just sparked those thoughts I shared, because of the stark difference. However, to the person who said it, I fundamentally disagree with this:

"but any kpop ships being painfully obvious reduce their chance of being legit."

I just think we don’t put the same meaning behind “obvious”. Because, for example, Taekook imo have been painfully obvious ever since I got into the group in late 2016. “The obvious” is relative.

But in the end Rain, you’re right, we can’t really compare the two, and there’s a good possibility that JYPE indeed learned from BH’s mistakes.

For the rest, you’re probably right as well, it’s likely that it boiled down to just that. Just making sure it wouldn’t come out as the group finally started to take off. Your other anons were sorta wrong, and you right again, in the sense that the shift happened in 2016, between Fire and Wings schematically. And Wings would end up being the first big steppingstone into what would become their international mega success. Probably that they couldn’t risk a queer relationship derailing all of that, and, timeline wise, 2016 is where Taekook’s relationship changes in some way (Smart Event anybody?) while external forces seem to come into play – ie, and I know you don’t really buy into it if I remember correctly, but there might be some truth to the idea that Dispatch caught them at the time and came to BH about it.

With that being said, it still seems a lot of the time counterproductive. But you raise a valid point when you point out how much “worse” it could have been had they been left to their own device. They can be pretty loud as it is.

As for 2018 (I know it wasn’t mentioned in my ask nor in your reply, but other anons have talked about it and ofc I have thoughts), I personally think that, while their relationship wasn’t the reason they all nearly reached their breaking point, it did heavily play into considering to disband, at least for them two. Maybe they thought of running away together, far from the restrictions and this success that scared them, far from a place where they had to somewhat sacrifice their relationship and who they were on top of all the hardships and exhaustion. I think the object of Yoongi’s texts was to precisely reassure them about this, that the others were there for them, that they would support them and protect them and their relationship. And maybe that changed everything.

I don’t really know in the end, nobody does, but we all saw that from that point onward, things began to shift. It wasn’t as sudden and drastic as the first time, it took a lot of time, but it did change and evolve, to get to where we are now. And had you told me back in the beginning of 2017 that 2023 Taekook would be like this, I wouldn’t have been able to believe you.

Man I can’t wait to see what’ll happen once MS is behind them. Dare I say, I’m hopeful. Maybe they’ll keep surprising us.

Hi again @syneepsis!

Yeah, when I posted your ask I already expected there to be some discussion about the realness of Minsung. To be fair, your ask was kinda trying to compare the two... and realness is a factor in that.

I know very well that to understand a ship, you have to know way more about it than what's on the surface. It has become so clear that most people have no clue about Tae and Jk, I absolutely think it's possible that's also the case for other ships. Perception of obviousness certainly is a factor. I personally think things become more obvious once you see the whole picture. To me for instance Tae posting the Hawaii pics would fall into the more obvious category.. because it's consistent behavior from his side, to other's however (non-tkkrs) there is little obvious about it.

I have little opinion on the "Dispatch caught them" situation to be honest. It's certainly possible they know about them, or at least heavily suspect. I'm not sure we have seen anything that definitely points to that though. I think Dispatch and Hybe have agreements about how to portray BTS members in general. Tae and Jk would fall under those even without being a couple.

Closeting a queer couple is always counterproductive in a way, because it puts limits on personal freedom. I think any case of clsoeting comes with hurting those involved. It doesn't really matter if the closeted party rationally agrees, because on a human level.. the feelings involved would still be hurt. Closeting happens because of outside pressure and expectations, that in itself is the hurtfull part.

In the 2018 conversation, I'm not sure what I think is most likely. I can see several things being true. What I'm most sure of is that all members seriously thought about disbanding. It shows how tought they had it. I definitely think Tae and JK had an extra factor that weighed heavily on them, I don't know if that was something that lead the way they considered this though. Chances are they both wanted to stay in music even after disbanding BTS, and they still would have had to deal with not being able to be out (unless you think solo artists are more able to be out, but I personally don't think so). I think Yoongi's text to the two of them is extremely signifact either way though. It show how Tae and Jk were seen as a unit in this. It shows how they had the same concerns and how they both needed some assurances to be able to go on. That text and the way it has been spoken of is one of the reasons why to me the 'Taekook is distant' narrative from around those years is such bs.

I do think it's possible they negotiated better terms. We do see a shift in Tkkry and I think it started before the ITS talk indeed.

[kittyball23]

Hooked (a Trolls fanfic)

Summary: With Branch and Poppy engaged, the brothers decide to get another pair in the love game

A/N: Serves as a follow-up to my oneshot “The Proposal,” with slight tweaks

__________________________________________

There were a lot of Trolls cheering, but, if Clay had to take a guess, Viva was probably the one who was cheering the loudest of them all. Everybody was very excited over Queen Poppy’s engagement, and it made perfect sense why her sister would be one of the ones in the crowd who was making the most noise. Why, she even sounded louder than him, John Dory, Spruce, and Floyd combined, who were trying to make sure that they cheered extra loud for their youngest bro Branch, who was also the one getting engaged, too!

Clay beamed and continued to clap, his youngest brother not quite finished with his sudden kissing spree with the Pop Queen. He was surprised to hear that Branch had not yet kissed his girlfriend – the one he’d been goo-goo eyed for nearly the entire trip – and if he were being honest, he felt a tad bit envious of the youngest BroZone member… and it was not because of the kingly status that he was to obtain. No, he felt the envy for how confident Branch was, expressing his love for his now-fiancé, soon to be wife. Clay wished he had some of that same confidence when it came to expressing his own feelings for a certain other pink princess, who just so happened to be related to Poppy. He peeked over at her, feeling his cheeks get warm and his focus zero in. How in the world did Branch get himself out of the friendzone? Clay wondered, wishing he could ask his brother right there and then, but aware that he probably had a lot of other things on his mind. And 99% of things were probably about Queen Poppy.

Luckily, though, he had three other brothers, and they seemed to catch his vibe right away.

“Alrighty, Clay, we got Branch hooked. Now it’s your turn,” Spruce said, putting an arm around him.

The lime-green-haired Troll gave him an astonished look. “What?”

“Dude, you know what he’s talking about!” John Dory piped up, making a non-discrete gesture over at Viva. Then he made a shooing motion at Clay. “Go on, go get ‘er!”

“Um, excuse me?” Clay said, trying to prevent a full blush from coating his cheeks. He frowned slightly and glanced at Spruce. “Bro, haven’t you played cupid enough for one day?”

The purple-haired Troll chuckled. “You can’t ignore the sting of the lovebug, my brother. When it happens, it happens, and you gotta just go with the flow, you know what I’m saying?” Before Clay could even answer, Spruce continued. “So here’s the for real deal: all you gotta do is ask if she’ll go with you to the wedding.”

Clay crossed his arms. “This isn’t the prom, yo.”

“It’s still an op!”

Clay rolled his eyes. “I don’t think so.”

“Dude, you scared or something?” JD asked.

Clay looked startled. Was his brother really that dense? Of course this was petrifying! He would’ve told him so if his mouth hadn’t decided to start stuttering instead of giving a firm reply.

“W-well… uh… you see, it’s, um… I…”

Thankfully for him, Floyd spoke up, not as pushy as the elder two brothers. “Clay, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’m sure there’s still some other chances that will come up, you know.”

Clay could breathe a sigh of relief to hear that. And he probably would’ve left it at that, seeking some other time to make his move on Viva. But then he really thought about it, and completely disagreed with the idea. He’d had his secret pining for the Putt Putt Queen for years, telling himself that he would put it off and off until the right time came. And so far, nothing had progressed from their friendship status.

“Actually,” Clay began, tentatively, “I think JD and Spruce are right. I think I’ve kinda gotta do this,” he said to Floyd, shooting the magenta Troll an apologetic look. Floyd took it in stride though, offering a little smile in support of Clay’s decision.

But now came the tough part. The actual execution.

__________________________________________

“My sister is getting married! My sister is getting married!” Viva sang out loud, over and over, hopping up and down on the spot and unable to contain her excitement. Viva had a lot of happy days, but this was one of the happiest by far! She couldn’t be prouder of Poppy and the future she had in store with the one she loved. She was so caught up in the frenzy of the moment, that she hardly noticed she was being called, at least until she bumped right into the said person in one of her twirls.

“Hey, um, VivaaAAH!” the newcomer yelped when her weight knocked against him.

Viva was quick to apologize. “OH! Oh, I’m so sorry! I totally didn’t mean that!”

“Oh, it’s all cool,” he said, and Viva could now see that it was her good friend Clay. He avoided eye contact for a second, brushing off his cardigan, and then cleared his throat. “So, um… congrats on your sis, for um, y’know, the engagement and all.”

Viva beamed. “Awww, well thank you, Clay! Congratulations on your brother for the engagement, too! You must be so happy!”

Clay chuckled, and nodded. “Yeah, I am… It’s kinda weird seeing the ‘baby’ of the group all grown up and stuff, gettin’ hitched and all. But weird in a good way!”

Viva giggled. “I’m sure!”

“Yeah…” Clay rubbed his arm and took a breath, swallowing before he continued speaking. “So, um, Viva... I was wonderin’, you know, if you wanted to, uhhh… come with me to the wedding?” He cringed a little, like he wasn’t sure what she was going to say.

“Oh, well that’s a great idea!” Viva exclaimed cheerfully. “You, me and your brothers can all meet up and get seats closest to the altar. Actually, Poppy and Branch might even let us stand by them at the altar! I really hope Poppy’ll pick me as a bridesmaid. But, huh, I wonder – can there be best men? I always thought there was usually one best man, but how can Branch pick one of you guys? I mean, you’re all like his pals, right? Just like Poppy and me! Anyway, I’m sure it’ll work itself out, I’m just so excited!!”

“Oh…” Clay said, after Viva had finished her excitable rambling. He looked startled, and then spoke slowly. “Um, right, Viva, but, heheh… that’s umm, not exactly what I meant,” he mumbled.

“Huh?” Viva cocked her head, noticing now that Clay seemed to have a slightly nervous expression on his face. He was shuffling his weight from foot to foot, and his fingers were twitching against each other. Still, he looked her straight in the eyes and spoke.

“Viva, what I mean is, do you wanna come with me, as a… y’know… as a d-date?”

Viva blinked. And then she gasped. Clay wanted to ask her to be his date? Plenty of folks came to weddings with a partner, adding on to the lovey-dovey mood that made up the grand festivity. To be asked took her aback.

“And if you say yes,” Clay hurriedly continued, putting his hands out, “maybe we could, um, go on an actual date or something sometime afterwards, and be a – a little more than friends?”

By this point, Viva could feel herself bubbling with joy. “You mean like a boyfriend-and-girlfriend sort of thing??” she asked, barely able to breathe. “Like, we could hold hands, and take long walks on the beach by the sunset, and have moonlight dinners, and share a milkshake with two straws, and you can think of ways to make me laugh, and I can think of ways to make you laugh, and we can play with each other’s hair, and rub our noses against each other’s, and we can give each other flowers, and hug each other all the time, and you can tell me all about how much you love me, and I can tell you all about how much I love you?!”

Clay was speechless for a moment. “Uhhh… sure!”

Viva giggled. “Clay, I think you’re so sweet and wonderful… and I’d really love for us to do ALL of that together!” She giggled again, and then leapt at him, engulfing him a huge embrace. Clay was wide-eyed and disbelieving about what had just happened, but ever grateful and happy. He hugged Viva back with just as much fervor, even lifting her up off the ground for a little twirl that made her squeal. They looked each other in the eyes afterwards, and then Viva continued her cheering for Poppy, this time, if it were even possible, even more energetic than before.

Clay took the opportunity to scamper back to John Dory, Spruce, and Floyd, who all had knowing looks on their faces.

“Way to go with the flow, Ro-me-o!” JD sang out, busting out a rhyme. Spruce gave him a small smirk and a thumbs up, while Floyd gave Clay’s arm a small squeeze of congrats.

Clay would’ve made some kinda snarky comment, or cracked a joke, but for now, he just blushed and playfully punched his older brother’s arm. Him and Viva were hooked – and that was no joke!

__________________________________________

A/N: In case it wasn’t implied enough in the Meeting Viva and Clay chapter, I have hopped aboard the Clay x Viva ship

My initial train of thought when it came to theorizing which brother Viva would end up with, if any, was Spruce, since he was described in the BroZone website to be the flirty heartthrob of the group. I guess it never crossed my mind that he would already be married with kids! I’ve also shifted more into Clay x Viva mode since they would seem to know each other already (given that they both live in Putt Putt Village) and the fact that Clay is described as now being serious, and Viva is described as “Poppy 1000x” – a kind of similar dynamic to our Broppy ship we have now. Who knows, maybe we'll get a little tease towards their relationship at the end :)

[delicatecherrys]

is there a protocol on here to talk about “last reblog”?

i don’t wanna clog their post with my opposing view in their tags. i see their point, but i kinda disagree? i think it’s great to interpret media without caring about what the author meant, and we will always continue to do that even if the author comes outright and says they meant it the opposite way. (hell, is that not what we do with “canon divergent” fanfiction that explores characters reacting differently in a situation than they did when the author wrote them?)

but i don’t think it’s fair to dismiss authorial intent like that. art DOES become more (or less) meaningful if it was put together with thought & intent, rather than being the product of accident. i DO care if the author meant to portray love that was meant to read as queer, rather than accidentally (badly!) writing brotherly love. i’ll have my own interpretation, but i want to know what they were trying to say, if i can.

it sucks that we have to speculate. it sucks that heterosexuality is the default and we have to seek validation for our queer interpretations. but that IS reality.

and i do agree it takes away from art being subtle & dynamic, which is not a good thing, but i guess…i dunno. i don’t know what the solution is. but when we get continually harassed for our queer reading of a piece of media…

it’s not my business how other people interpret art, but the heteronormativity of the spaces we exist in means that being confident in my own reading of something is not enough. it means someone is gonna hold it over my head and laugh and be bigoted, because there isn’t “proof”. is it really so unbelievable that queer people are seeking that validation? or at the very least hoping not to see heteronormativity shoved into every work that can read as queer, giving ammo to every asshole out there to act like we’re delusional for reading queer subtext in a story?

idk what i’m saying, this has been bothering me given the increased harassment & homophobia i’ve personally experienced on twitter since 431 came out. i think it’s a bit dismissive to say “just be content with what you got and interpret it your way, why do you need proof/validation”.

(which we never did, at least i didn’t. all i was asking for was there to be a space left to interpret things in a queer way without an emphasis on your typical het ship. if there really was censorship involved & author’s hand was forced, i think 431 is the kindest way it could have happened for us queer folks. but it’s undeniable that it still fucking sucks.)

nobody follows me here so i don’t expect anyone to read/respond to this lol, just needed to rant. if you did read it, sorry, it probably didn’t make much sense.

if op of that post happens to see this (i really hope they don’t), this wasn’t an attack on you or your take, you make solid points, i just happen to disagree.

anyways. good job horikoshi on going from writing a flawed but nonetheless interesting trope subversion of your main female “love interest” type character, to burying your one explicitly queer character and having her love be used as a way to push a het ship & reducing your female lead’s arc to be all about love/all about the boy she loved, ALL in one chapter. himiko’s treatment in this manga is truly a slap on the face, and i’m not even a himiko stan. can’t imagine how her fans feel. and ochako doesn’t even make sense. even if this chapter was a product of censorship and forced by editors/publishers, there were many more tasteful ways to accomplish teasing the het romance than…whatever that was.

also apparently this volume is selling a tonne which could be for any number of reasons (bonus cards, promise of bonus content, final volume, vol 1 parallel nostalgia, etc) but given its success, it really does make me feel small in my discontent. at the end of the day, as loud as our corner of the internet may be, it’s not enough. 🥲

[saintnightshade]

Show Me Who You Are

(TicciVoid -> OcxToby)       

"C-come on! You've s-seen my face, ngh, you know what I look like! Woo! S-show me yours!" God, Void couldn't believe this shite, he got stuck doing the nightly perimeter check with hatchet man… got stuck working with someone who wasn't one of his brothers. "No." was the only thing he managed to get out before hatchet man threw his arms around Void's neck, hanging off him like a twitchy monkey and going into another long tirade about how 'that's not fair' and 'you've been here for months' blah blah blah… Void could feel his face heat up beneath his mask as he pried the other man's arms off from around his neck and shoved him away. Void jammed his balled fists into the pockets of his leather jacket and carried on with the check, walking ahead of hatchet man.

This place, this mansion, was the definition of a goddamn nut house, fuck the loony bin, this place had nothing on Saint Rhodes. And Mother really wanted them to play NICE with these people?! Void might be slipping into 'calling the kettle black' territory here but he did not care, not anymore. He couldn't handle this; everything here was so chaotic, people coming and going at all hours, it all seemed so… disorganized. He and his brothers prided themselves in their roles and organization back at their home. Especially Soldat and Hush, they both had their hang-ups about that kinda stuff. Were they not just as fed up as he was? Weren't they overwhelmed? Then again... this wasn't their home. It wasn't his home.

So...Maybe he's being… a LITTLE disagreeable. Maybe. Like a child being forced to move into his new stepfather's home… Eugh, Void vigorously shook his head at that unwanted thought. This is all so new, so strange and nobody seems to want to give him the time to take it all in. Not even a little. Void stepped around a divot in the ground while clenching and unclenching his fists a few times, his breathing began picking up. They'd stare at him, talk about him, question him. Untrusting, suspicious, everywhere all at once, watching and watching. Waiting for him to screw up probably or turn his back so they'd have a new place to stick their knives. It's not like he came here willingly, it's not like he threw a wrench into their perfect little routines on purpose.

Void hadn't noticed that hatchet man had stopped babbling, in fact, he had forgotten that he was even there. He was too in his head, too preoccupied with the onslaught of so many feelings all at once... A panic attack?! Now?! The crunching of dirt and gravel beneath his feet was becoming unbearably loud. His chest seemed to tighten with every rapid pulse of his heart and every shallow breath he took; sucking the life out of his limbs, leaving them feeling numb and shakey. His legs suddenly buckled from under him forcing him to kneel in the dirt, no not now, no one can see this! He was screaming on the inside, thoughts racing faster than he could grasp them and he just couldn't stop it. He can't be weak, Void is not weak! He terrorizes and maims and murders, people like him do not do this! His face was getting so hot, but everywhere else felt so cold. Sweat was beginning to roll down his face and back. His hands felt clammy and stiff and they hurt from all the flexing.

A pair of hands suddenly rested on his shoulders jolting him every so slightly from his daze, he couldn't think straight, couldn't see who the hands belonged to. His eyes were blurry from the tears he was trying to hold back and his mind was a jumbled mess. He couldn't breathe, the mask was making it worse… it was so hot, so suffocating, off off off, please. Please. With clammy hands he shakily brings them up and onto his mask and tears it off, throwing it to the side and onto the ground. Fresh cool air rushes over his face. cooling his burning skin. The only thing he can hear is his loud gasping pants, desperately trying to gulp in as much air as he can. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears and the occasional vague noise from somewhere in front of him.

Void rubs his hands over his bare face and begins counting in his head, going through the steps to correct himself. He focuses on the weight on his shoulders; hands. They're not his or Soldats or Hushs… It's hatch… Rodgers. Toby. He's kneeling in front of him gripping hard and pressing down on Void's shoulders, anchoring him, whether he knows it or not. Void takes the opportunity to clamp his hands around Toby's wrists, he pulls down with his weight forcing Toby to push down harder and he does. Void methodically breaths in, out, in and out. His head bowed the whole time, avoiding any possible eye contact, trying not to think about the humiliation he feels. A panic attack in front of anyone makes him want to vault off a bridge out of pure humiliation but he can't even do that if he can't fucking stand up on his own. He needs…

"I-I won't l-look. Just, ngh, st-top f-freaking out and breathe normally, woo, or else you'll p-pass out."

Toby's voice interrupted his jumbled train of thought, his words were surprisingly calm, and his voice was a soothing melody amidst the chaos in Void's mind. The grip on his wrists never wavered, it was steady and sure. Toby was a mystery to him, he seemed to switch from being overly talkative and chaotic to being surprisingly perceptive and calm. Void's panic attack must have damaged his brain... His breathing began to slow as the panic subsided but he did not pick up his head, still too raw from the episode.

"You okay?" Toby asked softly, his jerking to the side as did, his grip on Void's shoulders slowly loosening. Void nodded, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. He felt embarrassed and exposed like all his fears and weaknesses were laid bare for the world to see. He quickly retrieved his mask, not even bothering to wipe it off and put it back on, the familiar weight of it embracing him and giving him a sense of security. Only now did he dare to slowly lift his head to face Toby and when he met his gaze he was surprised to see, what he thought was, a genuine look of concern on his face. "...Thanks." Void said gruffly, his voice cracking a little from stress, he got to his feet with Toby's help. "I'll be okay."

"No p-problem," Toby said, giving him a crooked smile and lightly clapping him on the back. "We've all gotta, woo, have a m-mental breakdown every, ngh, n-now and then." Toby snorted out a laugh. Beneath his mask Void allowed a small smile to leak through, he knew this was an attempt at brushing off the whole debacle and he appreciated it. Void wiped his hands on his jeans and nodded. He still didn't trust Toby fully but it was as good of a start as any. "We better finish up here before Masky gets sent out after us." Void said, "Plus I'm getting hungry, nothing works up an appetite faster than having a mental breakdown at night in the middle of the woods." Void nodded his head towards the path in front of them and began walking with Toby matching his pace. "Oooo, w-was that a, ngh, joke?" Toby snorted "I didn't, woo, know you c-could do that… or, uh, is it s-sarcasm?"

They continued the rest of their perimeter check in this manner; Toby filled the silence by talking about everything and nothing while Void occasionally chimed in with his own short comments. They seemed more at ease around each other, maybe it wouldn't last but Void was pleased they at least had something positive come out of tonight's meltdown.

[the1975attheirverybest]

I’m not gonna lie, these past few months I’ve been really questioning my love for the band. I say that meaning as a black woman a lot of the shit that’s been going around is just kind of hard to hear whether it’s true or not. And I don’t really know what to believe lol. I love the band so much but I can’t tell if my hesitation to accept is truly because I don’t believe he could do that or if it’s just like obsession on my part. I don’t know if any of that made sense. I just feel iffy about everything right now

Disclaimer: this is gonna be long. Sorry if you were just looking to vent and I made it into a whole thing. Won’t be offended if you just….ignored lmao.

Hey, babe. I’m sorry to hear that it’s been rough for you. Sending you hugs.

I know how you feel, or at least, I empathize because I went through something similar way back when the podcast was originally released. In Feb? March? Something like that. Like way before the Taylor stuff and way before tabloids and all that.

When that happened, I was talking about the podcast with someone on Reddit and they mentioned Matty’s “Islamophobia” and how as a Muslim I shouldn’t support him. And, my gut instinct was to be like “you have no idea what you’re talking about.” But the comment lingered in the back of my head for a long time. I’m not saying that your experience is the same and I don’t mean to reduce your identity to simply “marginalized” in the name of intersectionality or the common grounds that you and I might share. Being a black woman is different. I’m middle eastern and a hijab wearer (though I don’t feel comfortable saying I’m ‘white’ when my ‘whiteness’ was only decided on by the courts in 1972 cuz they didn’t want to admit that Jesus isn’t white but that’s a whole other issue lmao). But I will share what my experience has been in case there’s anything of value in it for you.

Like I said, the comment lingered with me for a while. I’m a literature and philosophy double major, and as FUCKIN pretentious as that is (seriously, super pretentious) I pride myself on sharp judgement. So, even if I weren’t Muslim, id still be shaken by such comments. And the accusations of him being queer-phobic or racist or sexist also made me feel shaken. I’d be ashamed of myself if a simple celebrity-fan relationship with a straight white dude prevented me from using all the training I learned at school to make the right judgement simply cuz he has nice hair or whatever, you know? it was a jarring moment. Like would I really wanna be complicit in my own oppression like that?

So, I decided to sit with it for a few weeks and think about it. Do my own “research” and look at interviews and online posts and stage performances where he’s done the things that people have accused him of doing. Hear arguments from both sides, then see how I feel after all that.

Here is the conclusion that I came to. Matty has certain blind spots due to his privilege. Not in a standard “he’s a cis het white guy in his 30s so he’s obviously privileged.” That’s true but that’s not it. I think with him it’s kinda more specific. For example, in the GQ 40+ minute video interview where he was praised for not being hyper masculine and being comfortable with wearing skirts and stuff, the interviewer followed her praise up with “don’t you think it’s hard being a man these days with all these conflicting ideas about masculinity” And he said “well, hold on a minute, isn’t it hard being a woman? I’m just thinking out loud here isn’t it hard being a human ?”

i see where he was going with this but I disagree pretty strongly. Even if you piece it together with stuff he has said in other interviews. Like in the Ion Pack Podcast. On the topic of masculinity he said “I’m not trying to make a political statement about gender when I wear skirts or dresses. Fuckin hate that the media writes about it that way. Like have you seen any musician ever??? It’s all been done before. You could make a coffee table book out of rock and roll artists wearing women’s clothing. Especially when you think about people who lived in New York (the pod was recorded in New York so I think that’s why he said that) at the time. And who WERE gay and who WERE black. And they were true outcasts and died for it. And you wanna give me credit? I hate that.” So the hosts were talking about how that political or whatever so, later on in the pod he said “I’m not seeing it from a right wing or leftist stand point. It’s not women’s rights or black rights or gay rights. To me, it’s humanity. Were all human beings shouldn’t we all be equal? Shouldn’t equality be something we all want?”

Do you see why I’m saying he’s privileged? Only a privileged person would say that. Like, he says these things because he was lucky enough to grow up in a pretty well to do upper middle class family and has always talked about how his parents had black friends and queer friends and he would see two men kissing on his living room couch when he was young and never bat an eye so he didn’t know it was “controversial” until he grew up and stuff. “I just keep thinking ‘who cares? But it turns out people do care.”

And he always says “artists signpost towards utopia.” Which is his goal I suppose. So it’s easy for him to say it’s not about black or white. Man or woman etc. and yeah as humans there are common grounds. sure masculinity is a struggle these days but ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF STRUGGLE from femininity and womanhood. So let’s not equate them or say that they’re similar. That’s kinda reductive. I appreciate the sentiment that we should be motivated by universal humanity, but I don’t think that’s enough. You know? Those are separate problems that require separate solutions. Yes they overlap. Yes there’s a common ground here (white supremacy and patriarchy) that oppress us all, but acknowledging difference (gender, racial, social, sexual etc) is ESSENTIAL, in my view. Maybe it’s not in his view. In any case, I believe that’s why he does / says what he does.

Same with the nepo baby thing. I see where he’s coming from but I disagree strongly with him. He’s never worked a real job or had to struggle with money so he doesn’t get it. He’s gotta learn that most humans realities aren’t the same as his. He got really lucky. He gets that in the most basic/ obvious sense. Like sometimes he’ll say “as an English white guy who am I to talk about this” or “yeah Britain colonized the whole world but I’m not speaking as a British guy just as a human being.” But I think the subtler more implicit ways that his privilege has affected his worldview aren’t always clear to him.

But does all that mean that he’s secretly racist, bigoted, sexist, etc and he “showed his true colors” on that pod? In my view: no. If he were secretly bigoted, why would he go out of his way to make songs like JC2005, Loving Someone, People, Love It If We Made It, Looking For Somebody (to love) etc. ? Why would he stand at the Brits and use his speech time to read an excerpt from a woman’s article about how sexist the industry is? Why would he go out of his way to talk IN ALABAMA about the abortion ban at the time? Does this seem like a bigoted person’s behavior? He’s repeatedly rejected opportunities to go mainstream and make a shit ton of money precisely BECAUSE going mainstream would mean that he wouldn’t be able to do that sort of thing. He doesn’t have a publicist or an executive board at DH for a reason. As an artist, he sees that his work is influenced by the world around him so he can’t separate between the two and not feel like part of the problem. Like he criticized Imagine Dragons for that. He even criticized Taylor Swift for her 2019 marketing of Lover. This is the woman that he’s supposedly been in love with for a while.

I think those things are a better representation of who Matty truly is. He’s not perfect. Even his utopian thinking about equality is flawed in itself. But he’s a human being doing his best to be part of the solution and to honor the responsibility that comes with his platform. He’s seeing a problem in society and thinking what his role as an artist is and what he can do to help fix it.

He fucks up sometimes. And sometimes he knows he’s fucked up and tries to deal with it. Other times he needs it pointed out to him cuz of his blind spots. But more often than not he gets it right. And he’s not entirely wrong about how wokeness has become performative, either. Lol. We do need a better system. But his alternative of like transcending our differences and moving into universal humanity isn’t super helpful as a basis. It might be appropriate SOMETIMES. It’s certainly true that bigotry dehumanizes its victims. Treating marginalized people as less than is what enables bigots to do what they do. If white supremacists thought of us as their equals they wouldn’t be able to hold the belief that they are better than most of the rest of the world lol. So, the reminder that “we’re all human” or as he would put it “we’re all human we’re just like you man.” Etc. is nice. Like yeah ok But not as a blanket approach. That’s the place from which Matty operates and maybe he has a tendency to think that because common humanity is so obvious and everyone agrees with it, then surely everyone understands he’s doing what he does in good faith?

That, in my view, is the extent of his problem. He’s not the vile, “rancid” or whatever else the haters in my askbox and mentions and hashtags have been saying he is. Show me a white artist who GENUINELY puts his money where his mouth is when it comes to this stuff more than Matty. He’s a good person and his intentions are noble. His way of going about it though….needs some repairs. In short, he’s a smart person. He’s aware of how oppressive the world around him is. He’s trying to do something about it. But he fucks up. A lot of what he’s trying to stand up for isn’t his own experience. And sometimes he fails to see the limitations of his view cuz of course he does.

If none of that his helpful to you, you can always remove Matty from the experience of the music. I think Harry Potter fans have done a pretty good job of that. They won’t stand for J K Rowling’s bigotry, but the franchise is such a big part of them that they’ve separated the two. Won’t even watch the remake cuz she stands to profit from it. They made their own fandom that has nothing to do with her and sometimes is actively against her when appropriate. You could adopt the same approach if you love the music and it means so much to you.

Or you could just throw it all away if it causes you too much stress. I would say follow your gut. Your heart and your brain might sometimes not be accurate. Your gut will always be right. If it just doesn’t feel right to you/ doesn’t square with who you are, then to hell with it.

From one “minority” fan to another, I’m not black. I don’t know what it’s like to be black and I never will. But I wholeheartedly believe that you’re valued in the fandom and loved and you make it better by being in it. So, I’m sending you my love and I’m always here for you. That’s all. 💗

[eloquent-vowel]

I have had a few bucky x read fic ideas bouncing around in my head and i cant write! So here is one,

Sam find a person who stairs and doesnt talk a whole lot because they uses ✨telepathy ✨. So Sam think they would be a good fit for Bucky, but he doesn’t know they have that power he just thinks they are mute. Then there is a thing where the reader is telling Buck how it works and they if they have something to connect them together like an object *reader motions to dog tags* they can have an unbreakable mind link. Then they fall in love or something. This is dumb, thank you for coming to my TedTalk

Hey! Thank you so much for this request, it wasn't dumb at all. I really enjoyed writing this. I may have gotten a bit carried away, this may sit close to 4000 words but we vibe. I hope this is what you had in mind! Please enjoy! <3

Click here for my masterlist of other fics and check in my bio for requests if anyone wishes to ask!

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Bucky had been enjoying a moments peace, he loved working with Sam but sometimes all he wanted was to put his feet up, put on some vinyl and enjoy a good cup of coffee all while reading a brilliant book. He had been trying to get into Game of Thrones lately, on Sam’s insistence, and he had been enjoying it. With the crackles of Glenn Miller from the turntable he missed the clunky footsteps coming up the stairs.

The sight that greeted Sam needed to be photographed. Bucky was lounging back on his ‘old man armchair’ feet up, hair in a towel, in a bathrobe, coffee in hand and facemask on, this was definitely one for the family album.

At the sound of the phone shutter Bucky practically launched himself out of the chair.

“Oh, you are never gonna live this one down old boy, it’s going to haunt you.” Sam almost cackled evilly as he began to email the photo to himself- he had learnt the hard way that Bucky was very proficient at breaking phones.

“You better not upload that photo anywhere, Wilson, I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Pfft, reputation, that’s funny.”

Bucky scoffed as he stood up, placing his book carefully on the side table, “Big scary super soldier, people hardly run-in fear from a guy in a bathrobe.”

“I disagree, a man in a bathrobe is definitely something you should run from. AH NOPE!” Sam jumped backwards, on top of a nearby chair, as Bucky lunged for the phone, towel turban falling off in the process. “You are not breaking this phone as well.”

“Fine. But you gotta promise not to post that anywhere.” Bucky huffed.

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“As long as- “

“Oh no, I’m not doing anything for you.”

“Think of it as payment for the last phone you broke and insurance for this picture.”

There was silence for a moment as the two friends eyed each other up. Sam raised his eyebrows, Bucky’s eyes narrowed. It was an intense staring match between a guy in a bathrobe and a precariously balanced man. A clock ticked.

“Fine.” Bucky conceded. “What do you want?”

“For you to come to a meeting.”

“The families of Veterans ones?”

“Yeah.” Sam slowly started climbing down from the chair. “And before you get your old man pants in a twist, I’m not trying to force you to talk or anything, kinda.”

“Kinda?” Suspicion laced through Bucky’s voice.

“You know sign language, right?”

“Which kind?”

“American? I think?”

“Yeah, I know ASL, might be a bit rusty but I’m sure it still holds up. Why do you ask?”

Sam shifted slightly on his feet, “There’s this person, they come in every week and listen. I tried to talk to them, but they communicate through sign language, and I don’t have anyone there to talk with them.” He cast his eyes to the floor, “I feel bad. They were brave enough to come to the group only to basically be ignored ‘because we didn’t plan well enough.”

Bucky smiled, face mask crinkling around his smile lines, “You could have just asked me to Sam. You didn’t have to blackmail me into this, of course I’ll help. When’s the next meeting?”

“This evening. You gonna be ready or do you need some more ‘me’ time.”

Bucky simply chuckled at Sam’s teasing tone, patted his shoulder making sure to squeeze just a bit too hard before retreating to his room.

“I’ll be there, Wilson, and I will look so much younger than you!”

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It was frustrating to you, going along to these meetings and not being able to communicate. You could always speak into someone’s mind but all that usually accomplished was a very paranoid person. But just listening to other’s stories really helped the grief from losing someone so close to you. You related to most of the people there and even though they didn’t understand you a lot of the time, you were always made to feel welcome- with friendly pats on the back and the odd tissue thrown your way.

You bustled into the familiar building with a new sense of excitement as Sam had promised to bring a translator for you this week. It was finally time to say your thanks to some of the people there and finally let the group know about your brother, so that it wasn’t only you that remembered him.

You all but ran through the hallways until you caught sight of a familiar smiling man. Sam was facing you, talking animatedly to another man, the strangers back was to you. He was tall, broad shouldered and dressed in a vintage looking leather jacket and rather well fitted trousers. Now the debate was: does the tailoring make the ass, or does the ass make the tailoring. You were halfway through the arguments on either side when Sam shouting your name disrupted the intense debating in your mind. You blushed at being caught, then blushed some more when you caught sight of the stranger’s face. Twinkling blue eyes under a deep-set brow should have made him intimidating, but he was smiling, and his face was dazzling. There was an immediate fluttering in your stomach.

“Hey, I’m Bucky.” Dear lord even his voice was nice, what made you smile even more was the fact that he signed as he spoke. Well, Sam certainly knew how to pick them well. “Sam introduced me; said you wanted an interpreter.”

You nodded as you signed back, “Nice to meet you, thank you for helping out.”

“No problem, Sam has told me a bit about you.”

“Good things I hope.”

“Okay I recognise my own name, you two better not be conspiring against me.” Sam piped up, to be honest you had forgotten about him for a moment.

Bucky laughed, and it sent a little thrill down you, he really was adorable.

“No worries, Wilson, just letting them know all your dirty little secrets.”

“Right, you two get in there, before you make me sleep with one eye open.”

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You and Bucky caught each other’s eye, his eyes were twinkling with mischief, and you couldn’t help the smile that overtook you. You had a feeling that the two of you would get on just fine.

The meeting passed easily. Bucky translated your signs and you finally felt like you could actually take part in these meetings. Everyone listened intently when you spoke of your brother and when you had thanked the whole group for being so open to you a couple of people shed a tear. By the end of the meeting though you were tired and very accepting of Bucky’s offer to walk you home.

It was a lot of side glances and hidden smiles and you walked side by side. Drawn to each other under the moonlit sky, it was nice to just be in the presence of someone who had such a kind aura. You spent the walk trying to work up the confidence to sign something, anything but nothing came to mind and Bucky seemed quite content to just walk in comfortable silence.

You soon reached your home, you turned to Bucky with a smile on your face and signed,

“Thanks for today, Bucky. You were really helpful.”

“No problem.” He signed back,

You hesitated slightly before signing, “Would you be happy to have a coffee with me, tomorrow?”

Bucky went a little red in the face, and chuckled, “I would love to, I know a nice place, real cosy. I’ll text you the details.”

“You know how to text?”

“Hey! I get enough stick from Sam, don’t need you getting on my case too. I’ll have you know that I am very adaptable.”

“Sure, Sure.” You smiled at his flustered tone. “I’ll wait for your text then, have a good evening.”

“You too.”

The two of you stared slightly awkwardly at each other, neither wanting to be the first to turn around. You shuffled your feet away slowing, smiling awkwardly once more at Bucky before turning. You heard his footsteps start to fade away as you walked towards your home. You were but three steps to the door when a large figure in a hoodie slammed into you, you raised your arms instinctively to block them when you noticed your shoulder was lighter. The bastard had stolen your bag.

You immediately took chase, chasing around the corner you just walked down but they were fast, faster then you at least. As you rounded the corner you caught sight of Bucky walking ahead. The thief wouldn’t stand a change against him. Without a second thought you cast your thoughts towards Bucky,

“Bucky! Thief! My Bag! Behind you!”

You saw Bucky flinch slightly then turn bewildered, his eyes widening when he saw you hurting towards him, chasing the hooded figure. He caught on and launched after the thief as well, with barely any effort he knocked the thief to the ground, grabbed your bag and whipped out his phone to call the cops.

Well, that was hot.

You took your bag back, immediately checking that you brother’s lucky coin was in the zippy pocket, to your relief it was still there. You looked up to see Bucky staring at you with a very puzzled look on his face. You sighed before casting your thoughts to his head once more,

“I’ll explain later.”

Bucky let out a strange, decompressed noise of shock, it made you giggle. The two of you waited in silence until the police came and took the thief away. The police car had barely driven away when he turned to you.

“Did you just, talk in my head? Or did my conscious just suddenly get really loud.”

“I did. Hi. Sorry about that.”

He waved his hands dismissively. “Believe it or not, not the weirdest thing I’ve encountered.”

“Well, that’s reassuring.”

There was an awkward silence.

“So,” You started, resorting back to sign language, it felt less invasive, “Still down for coffee?”

Bucky smiled, “One hundred percent. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Bye Bucky. Thanks for getting my bag back.”

“No problem, see ya.”

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The coffee shop that Bucky invited you to, was tucked away, it was the kind of place that you would stumble over on accident. With a simple door and a big window out the front, that lead soft orange light filter out onto the alley. There was the faint sound of jazz leaking out of the building, you smirked. It was such an old fashioned place, of course this was where Bucky frequented.

The bell tinkled slightly as you entered the café, where you were greeted with the smell of fresh coffee and baked goods. You caught sight of Bucky’s broad shoulders sitting in the corner, and you made your way over to him, smiling at the barista as you passed.

As if sensing you, Bucky turned to smile and wave. He was dressed in casual clothes like last time, but this time his hair was loose around his shoulders. You smiled back before settling into the seat opposite him.

His hands moved hesitantly as he signed, “What would you like? I can recommend their hot chocolate, its very warming/”

“Hot chocolate it is.”

You could tell he wanted to ask you a million questions but to his credit he walked slowly to get the drinks, he even took his time carefully carrying the tray of drinks back to your table. He placed a delicious looking hot chocolate in front of you. You watched as he took a sip.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1-

“So,” Here we go, “What is it you can do, you can speak in peoples’ heads, can you,” He lowered his voice and leaned in, “Can you read people’s minds?”

You giggled slightly, his eyes were basically sparkling, he was definitely nerding out about this.

You set the hot chocolate down before casting your thoughts to his head, “I can speak in peoples heads relatively easily, it’s how I talk most of the time to people I know. I guess you could call it Telepathy.”

Bucky’s eyes were as wide as saucers, “So you can’t read thoughts, only… speak them?”

“I like to call it casting, makes me feel like a sorcerer. I can read thoughts, but it takes a lot of energy. I used to be able to talk with my brother from across the house. That usually requires some kind of connection.”

“Oh, so like a blood or family connection? Do you have to know the person very well?”

“That certainly helps but it’s not always necessary. If I have a personal object that belongs to that person, something I can hold and connect to them it isn’t hard to make a two-way connection. Especially if that person is willing to open their mind.”

Bucky seemed to be caught in thought for a second. “So, if I were to give you something of mine, we could both talk in our… heads?”

“Well yes, but Bucky we have only just met. Letting me into your head is a lot. I try not to pry but sometimes I’ve found that thoughts just burst through. Let’s get to know each other a before that happens.”

Bucky smiled at you before speaking and signing, “You’re right. Let’s get to know one another. I find you fascinating.”

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It happened on the fifth date. Bucky was just walking you home after a lovely dinner at a small Italian that he claimed he went to back in the 40s. Just outside your door, under the glow of a lamppost he turned to you and took a deep breath before speaking.

“I know this may be a lot, but I wanted to give you these.” He reached around his neck and pulled off something silver. You gasped slightly as he held out his dog tags, immaculately preserved after all these years.

“Are you sure, Bucky? This is a lot.”

“I know and if you aren’t comfortable with it then just let me know but I want to give them to you.”

“You know what this means Bucky?”

“Yeah, I know, I just figured that you’re already in my head all the time anyways, just can’t seem to get you out of it.”

“You cheeseball.” You smirked at him before taking the dog tags and placing them around your neck. You gripped the cold metal for a moment, concentrating on the man in front of you. Taking everything, you knew about him and stretching out a connection, like a hand reaching out to clasp another.

“Testing, Testing, Testing, one two, one two, can my Telepathic partner hear me?”

You laughed, “Yes I can Bucky, you big dork.”

Bucky whooped out loud before sweeping you up in a big hug. The two of you laughing under the lamp light. His joy was infectious, and you couldn’t fight the smile off your face.

“Oh, we are going to have so much fun messing with Sam.”

“You’re evil.”

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Of course, the two of you made a pact not to tell Sam until he worked it out, which wouldn’t be anytime soon according to Bucky. It led to some very memorable moments and Sam refusing to play any form of card or board game with either of you because you always managed to win, somehow. Not to mention all the times you had spoken in eery unison around him.

“I swear, its like you two can read each other’s minds sometimes.” Sam threw his hands up in frustration at another lost game of charades.

You smirked at Bucky across the room, “Should you tell him, or shall I?”

“I think he’s been through enough, I got it.”

Bucky cleared his throat, “We can.”

Sam whipped around to face Bucky, a look of sheer disbelief on his face, “Seriously Bucky-boy, if you think I believe that after all-

“Hello Sam.” You cast your thoughts to him, in the creepiest old lady voice you could muster.

Sam yelped, before turning accusingly at you, “You better be joking around with me right now, I am not dealing with any kind of ghosts in this house.”

“Sorry! Surprise I’m telepathic!”

“You’re serious.”

You nodded.

Sam put his head in his hands and sighed, “Not the weirdest thing ever. Wait, does this mean you have been cheating this entire time.”

You both looked guiltily at one another.

“You owe me. That poker night, void.”

You both laughed, “We’ll have a fair rematch this time Sam.”

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It had been close to a year since you had made it official with Bucky and you were now much more comfortable around one another. He no longer just dropped you off at the lamppost but cam inside with you. You had spent many lovely mornings together sharing glances over steaming cups of coffee. Fighting each other for who got to spread their legs out on the couch, there wasn’t really a loser though as it usually ended up in sofa cuddles for both of you, while watching a film.

Life was pretty great, you thought, as you smiled down at the sleeping Bucky beside you. Finally reaching over to turn off the lamp and put your book down, you were finally reading the hobbit at Bucky’s insistence. As you clicked off the light beside you and settled down you noticed the faster than usual breathing coming from beside you.

“Bucky?”

You reached out, thinking he was awake but instead as you opened up your connection you caught flashes of night terrors. You were falling indefinitely, snow all around you, and in the distance, there were cries of pain, people pleading for their lives, there was gunfire and explosions. You gasped and took off the dog tags. You only gave yourself a moment to breathe before trying to shake Bucky awake. When it became clear that he wasn’t stirring you steadied yourself and settled your hands on his temples. You didn’t care you tired this would make you, you just wanted Bucky to stop suffering. You focused, offering out that hand of connection again, this time picturing it in the shape of a fist and, although it wasn’t subtle, you tried to shake Bucky’s brain awake. You forced your way into his dreams, punching through the dark fog that clouded his thoughts and almost screamed at him.

“Bucky! Bucky wake up! You’re dreaming my dear!”

Bucky woke up with a start. Tears flowing down his face, he stared at you blue eyes shining. No one spoke as he pulled you into his arms. You just breathed together for a moment, counting the breaths and the spaces in between. When he finally pulled back, you saw his eyes flicker with concern before lifting a hand to gently wipe under your nose, it came back red with blood.

“You, okay?”

You smiled sadly, reaching out to put the dog tags back on.

“I should be asking you that.”

“But you’re bleeding.”

“Occupational hazard.” You tried to subtly get rid of any of the extra blood. “That was pretty intense. Wanna talk?”

Bucky looked down to the sheets and shook his head. You smiled at him, tilting his head to yours.

“That’s fine, want me to go? Or would you like to cuddle for a bit?”

Bucky didn’t talk again, just pulled you gently down to the bed once more. Snuggling himself under your chin, resting his head on your chest. You felt his arms draw tightly against your waist. You pressed your lips into his hair.

“May I help you go to sleep? Keep the bad thoughts at bay for at least one night.”

You felt Bucky nod and let out a little sleepy hum of agreement. You closed your eyes, focused on your connection setting up a golden wall against the dark fog at the corners of his mind and settled into a deep sleep.

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You woke to the smell of fresh coffee and the clinking of cups.

“Morning.” You opened your eyes at Bucky’s voice and took the offered cup greedily. Your mind still felt hazy from the energy you used last night.

You felt the bed dip beside you as Bucky sat and sipped at his cup as well, hair a bit of a mess from bed. He had evidently only just woken up as well.

He took a breath, “I had some pretty interesting dreams, sweetheart.”

You stiffened, “Good ones I hope.”

“Don’t worry, they were good. If a little strange.”

“Strange?”

“I was watching myself most of the time.”

You snorted into the coffee, “Sounds creepy”

There was a slight chuckle, “Nah, I was watching myself build a home, a family- “

“Oh God Bucky.” You snapped your eyes to his, you knew what had happened. “I am so sorry my dreams must have stuck in your head.”

“Those were your dreams?”

“Yeah, its only happened once before but when the connection between two people is very strong, it can happen- I call it bleeding. Perhaps we should- “

“If the next words out of your mouth are take a break, I will spill your coffee.” You clutched your cup closer to your chest, “Truthfully, those were some of the beset dreams I have every had. I really loved them.”

You looked back up at him, hesitantly “You did?”

“And I love you.”

“Huh

There was silence as you stared at him in shock. His face as nothing but adoration as the sunlight filtered over his face.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you too.”

Coffee cups were cast aside as you both collided. Giggling and joking, radiating happiness as the two of you shared the sweetest kiss. Your feelings merging together, amplifying one another until they shone brighter than the sun.

[dilf0bsess0r]

Aged-Up!Peter Parker x Reader Smut

Sub!Peter fic

2.5k words

~~~~~~

When you and Peter first started dating, nothing sexual happened, just a few kisses here and there, and occasional make out sessions. As the weeks go by, you were more and more curious as to why the two of you hadn't slept together, but you never brought it up, you didn't want the poor guy to feel pressured.

Then one night, the two of you were watching Star Wars movies for the 70th time in his room, and let's just say that R2D2 was seeing some things he shouldn't be seeing. In the midst of a heavy make out session, you let your hand travel down to the slight bulge you had noticed in his pajama pants, and moved the palm of your hand over him, giving him a tiny bit of friction.

His hips instantly bucked up, and he removed his lips from yours. "Y/N?" He said, meekly as you moved to kiss and lick up the column of his throat, while continuing to palm his now, fully hard cock. You pulled back to admire your work, seeing the red marks scattered across his neck, "Yes sweetie?" You finally respond to the poor boy, who's gone completely red in the face. "Umm, I don't- I cant, umm" he stutters out, his eyes not meeting yours. You use your hand to lift his head so that he finally makes eye contact with you, "Use your words baby", and his eyes close as he lets out a strangled half sigh, half moan.

"Umm, we ca- can't do this" Peter says quietly, almost as if he was ashamed. You scoot away from him a little, so he doesn't feel overwhelmed, "And that's completely fine love, may I ask why?" You ask him softly. "I've never..." he starts, gesturing wildly with his hands and you immediately understand.

"Oh!" You say with wide eyes, and that gives Peter the wrong idea.

He jumps off the bed quickly, grabbing a pillow to cover his lower half, words coming out jumbled, "I knew it! You think I'm a weirdo! This is why I can't be with you! You- you need someone with more, experience and, and who knows what they're doing and that's not-" , he finally quiets down when your lips meet his in a slower, softer kiss than the ones you shared earlier.

You feel his tense shoulders relax and his lips melt against yours, and you finally disconnect from him only to say, "Pete, I promise I don't care that you're a virgin". The boy's face lights up, "Really? You don't?"

You shake your head and laugh a little, "I promise love, it's okay." He grins. "In fact, I find it kinda hot", you whisper the last word with a goofy smirk. The smirk grows into a smile when the younger boy blushes and says, "How is that?"

Before answering the question, you push him down into a sitting position on the bed, you let your hand travel across the expanse of his chest, and say "Baby, is it ok if I touch you?" Peter visibly gulps then responds, "Yes ma'am" before slapping his hand over his face.

"I'm sorry oh my god, I- I don't know where that came fr-" you silence him with your pointer finger over his lips. "Peter, it's okay." His eyes widen even more, at the display of dominance. "Baby, do you want to call me ma'am?" You ask him. He slowly shakes his head yes and you grin, "Perfect."

Y/N loved how easily he was falling into the submissive role. You hadn't had many partners before, but you learned very quickly that you didn't like being told what to do, and the dominant role came easy to you. You were going to tear this poor boy into pieces.

You kiss him again and move to straddle him, your legs enclosing his, and he lets out a light whimper at the pressure on his aching cock. "Don't worry baby boy, I'm gonna take care of you, ok?", he nods his head but that isn't good enough for you.

You grab his chin between two of your fingers and look straight into his eyes and say with a stern voice, "Peter, if anything is going to happen tonight, I need verbal confirmation every step of the way. Understand?"

"Yes ma'am" is squeaked out from the brown eyed boy, his eyes glazing over.

You grind your heated core against the tent in his pajama pants, the thin material giving him the friction he so desperately craved. He lets out a soft moan, his head falling back.

"Baby," you say and grab his attention, and he struggles to focus because of the way you're moving against him, "I'm going to ask you a question or two okay? I just want you to focus on not coming until I allow you" you tell him.

"Yes ma'am" he whimpers.

"I know you said you're virgin, but have you ever done anything?" you ask.

"No ma'am. I mean, I- fuck- I jerk off sometimes but that- that's it" he stutters out, trying his best to answer you.

"Oh, naughty boy", you playfully chastise as you stand up, hearing a whine from Peter.

That noise is turned into a moan as you quickly drop to your knees and mouth at his clothed cock.

"Y/N!" Peter exclaims, gripping at the bed covers.

After there's a nice, big wet spot on his pants, you move to pull them down. You're met with a nice surprise when there's no underwear underneath.

You look up at Peter, with a raised eyebrow and he blushes, "Well I figured that I would be watching movies here, then going straight back to my room to sleep", he answers the unspoken question.

Deciding to tease him a little you say, "Nah, I think you did it for easy access. Anyone who wanted a piece of you could just ask and I bet you'd say yes. Wouldn't you? Cause that's what whores do.", putting emphasis on the "dirty" word.

"What- no no no, I'm not a... that" Peter splutters out.

You grab his cock in your hand, the head flushed red, and you use your thumb to rub the precum around that has gathered at the tip, resulting in a high pitched moan from the boy. You slowly start to stroke him before saying, "I'm sorry, were you disagreeing with me?"

You pick up your pace, flicking your wrist when you come back to the head of his cock, watching in delight as his face scrunches up in pleasure. He shakes his head no, and you remind him "Words, Peter." with a harsh tone.

"No ma'am, I'm not disagreeing" he nearly sobs.

"Good. Glad you remembered who's in charge tonight."

Simply because you can't resist anymore, you lean forward and lick right up the underside of his leaking dick, over the prominent vein, and you end it by swirling your tongue over the tip.

Peter moans embarrassingly loud and looks down at you with wide, glassy eyes and says, "Y/N...", in a whiny voice.

You go back to just stroking him and say, "What is it? What do you want baby, talk to me." He huffs in frustration of not being able to formulate his words.

" I want- I want your mouth." He finally says, but you stay quiet, waiting. "Please" he says meekly and you give in. You finally take him fully into your mouth, moaning at the taste. You focus on going as deep as you can, then coming back up and paying attention to the head.

Minutes pass and you're surprised at how long he's lasting, so you pull off of his cock with loud pop, and say "You know for a virgin, you're lasting way longer than I thought."

"Yeah, I edge myself sometimes, work on stamina" he rushes out, in hopes of getting your mouth back on him.

However, his statement intrigues you. "Edging hm? I wonder how long you can go... wanna find out?" You tease as you leisurely stroke him.

"Nonono! Please no" He begs, "Just wanna- wanna cum" he finishes, hiccuping while trying to plead his case.

"Alright baby, maybe next time" you surrender. His face perks up at the mention of a "next time"

"Where do you want to cum? My mouth, my face, my tits?" You ask him and he doesn't even have to verbally answer. You know which one he wants by the way his eyes light up at the mention of possibly coming on your boobs.

You quickly stand up to take off your shirt and bra, and when you meet the eyes of the submissive boy, you're met with a look of awe. He stares at you as though you are a goddess and he is a mere mortal. It boosts your confidence and your ego, as you go to regain your position in front of him.

"Ok so this is how this works," you start and he's like a little puppy, the way his ears seem to perk up at your instructions. "You're going to jerk yourself off, until you cum all over my tits okay?", you finish, using your elbows to slightly push your tits up and together. His eyes flutter shut and he says "Yes ma'am" before he grabs his cock and starts to tug.

It's not long before he's moaning unabashedly and he's begging for release. "Ple- please ma'am, can I cum?"

"Hmm, I dunno, I think you can wait a little longer", you say with a cruel smile. He whimpers at your mean words and continues to stroke himself.

"Not gonna be able to hold on much longer" he whines out, voice strained.

Deciding to take pity on him, you finally tell him, "Fine you can cum. But, you make sure to keep your eyes on me or you won't cum for a week." you state in a harsh tone.

"Ok ok! I will I promise" he rushes out, starting to stroke himself faster and faster, approaching his climax.

You push your tits up even higher, and you even go as far as to sticking your tongue, just for the erotic visual.

"Fuckfuckfuc- Y/N!" Peter practically shouts as he shoots cum all over your chest, some of it going on your chin and tongue. Not even giving him time to recover, you jump up to his lap to give him a messy, wet kiss. He moans into your mouth, tasting himself and you. You finally break apart, running your hands through his messy curls, "How was that baby?".

He clears his throat before speaking but his voice still comes out a bit shaky, "It was amazing".

"I'm glad it was, now let's get you in the bath while I put your pajama pants in the wash, you can sleep over here tonight okay?" You say in a soothing, quiet tone. "Y-yeah, that sounds good.", the younger boy responds.

You stand up and you start to use your tossed away shirt to wipe of his cum, but Peter stops you, "Can- can I?"

Your eyes widen but you nod your head yes. You barely nod once before Peters tongue is on your breasts, licking up his release. And if that isn't the hottest thing you've ever seen, you don't know what is.

He finishes with a groan before dropping to his knees. "Peter, what are you doing?"

"Wanna take care of you too" he states as he starts to mouth and lick at your mound through your shorts. You moan before gently pushing him back by his shoulders, "As tempting as that is, tonight was and is about you, we'll worry about me another day." He opens his mouth to protest but you cut him off, "End of discussion.", you lean down to his ear to whisper, "Trust me baby boy, I have plenty of ways you can make it up to me. Just not tonight".

He whimpers merely at the thought of pleasuring you, and if that doesn't make you want to just eat him alive. Resisting temptation, you extend your hand to him so he can stand up, and you pull him along as you make your way to the master bathroom.

Perks of living in a multi million dollar compound.

You go straight to the large, jacuzzi like tub, turning on the faucet and letting it fill up. You pour some bath salts into it and hand Peter some body wash, "When it's hot enough, go ahead and get in and wash yourself. I'll be putting your pajamas in the wash and I'll be right back to get in with you, okay?"

He looks at you with a soft smile, "Yeah, okay.""Great", you go back into your room to grab his pants, leaving him alone before heading to the wash.

Soon enough, you make your way back in there, seeing Peter relaxed with his head back against the edge of the tub, his eyes closed. They open at the sound of your footsteps and he smiles fondly at you, before you fully undress yourself, and step in. You cuddle up to him and rest your head on his shoulder.

The two of you stay like that until you hear soft snores from Peter. You step out of the bath and grab a towel to wrap around you, and you go over to wake him up. "Pete, baby, gotta wake up so we can get you to bed."

His eyes flutter open, and he reluctantly steps out of the bath. You hand him a towel, then you go to drain the tub. You tell him to dry off, then go ahead to the bed while you grab his pants.

After returning with his pants, you see him sitting on the edge of the bed, fighting sleep, lazily rubbing one of his eyes with the back of his hand. You try not to aww out loud, because he is just so cute. You finally walk in, handing him his pajamas, then going to your dresser to grab an oversized band t-shirt to sleep in. You put your hair in your head wrap, and you walk to the bed that Peter has already gotten comfortable in.

"You wanna be big spoon or little spoon?" You ask him. You don't mind being big spoon, you actually kind of preferred it. Which is why you let a small smile creep on your face when he says "Little spoon" in a small, hushed voice. You crawl into the bed and let him cuddle into your chest as you wrap your arms around him.

"Goodnight Y/N." "Goodnight Peter."

Peter falls asleep to the sound of Y/N's heartbeat, and Y/N falls asleep to the sound of Peters shallow breathing.

~~~~~

Hope you liked this! This is my first smut so it’s a little rough, and kinda anticlimactic but I enjoyed writing it.

[antigoneidk]

can't help falling in love|t.h.

summary: when words can't speak enough, songs will do

pairing: tom holland × reader

words: 2k

a/n: well I think we all fell in love with this Tom right? I mean who wouldn't??? Wish more of that content cause I'm a sucker for him..

"Over yours tonight?"

"Yes. Bring your guitar too."

"We're about to have fun tonight."

"As we always do!"

And when it was just the two of you, you always had a great time. The chemistry that had been developed between you and Tom was indescribable and everyone seemed jealous of what you have created. It was amazing how much two people can connect, two different souls in such a little period.

You loved your little secret "rendezvous" as you liked to call them. He'd come to your place, or you'd go to his, sip wine and talk for hours and hours about everything. From how the world was created, to how your nail broke, or the way some theories of very famous scientists may be wrong, or how his brothers crashed his car without him knowing, even analyze the way social media work, or begging him to show you videos of the set for his upcoming film. Maybe you'd complain about how early you have to wake up the next day and he'd make fun of you before he realizes that he's going to wake up as early as you. And you'd beg him to stay, or the opposite. 

And after that, you'd grab your guitars and play until you fall asleep on the couch.

He looked so handsome concentrated on not losing any chord, not ruin the melody. His brown eyes focusing on the strings, his fingers following the sound in his mind, his body relaxed, and his ears longing for your voice.

How he adored listening to your angelic voice. He couldn't explain the way his heart melted with the sweet sound of yours, his stomach filling with butterflies, his mind following the heart on this chaotic, exciting, endless road. He didn't know if he was in love or not. It was confusing inside his head. He never knew what falling in love means, the symptoms are different from one person to another. But he was only looking forward to the time he'd have to spend with you, the feeling of enthusiasm getting stronger as the day went by. He knew that you were the only one that could bring the peace he searched for, it was you that brought those feelings that he wanted to see for himself. He admitted once that he wished you'd be more than just his close friend to himself. Yet, the fear of losing you was massive and your presence in his life was more important than his feelings. So the only way was to push them to the side.

You knocked on his doorbell and fixed your guitar on your shoulder while waiting for the door to open. You looked down at your shoes noticing how dirty they got but as you were about to somehow clean them with your hand, you heard the door open and your eyes met his.

"Hi," you said cheerfully leaving the guitar to your side and wrapping your hands around his shoulder. His familiar scent came to your nose, your eyes closing for a moment enjoying his smell, but also the sensation of his arms tightening around your waist.

"Hey, beautiful" he mumbled softly and let go of you. "How are you?" he asked grabbing your guitar and closing the door behind you. 

"Now that I am here I'm so much better" you confessed. "Oh, you didn't wait for me to help"  you complained seeing that everything was already prepared for you.

"Why would I need help?" he asked.

"Because...I am your friend and you don't have to do all of these for me"

"But what happens if I want to do all of these for you?"

You stared back at him without any answer to his question. You tried to read his face, understand if he was joking or not. If he was playing with your feelings or if he was just completely clueless. His puppy eyes nearly convincing your heart that everything was true, your mind shouting to not believe this. It was a battle happening right in front of you, however, you stood still and did nothing.

"I'm pretty sure you do not so stop saying things you don't mean and let's go drink"

____________________

"But she fell in love with him Tom. She was happier than ever. She was willing to be there for him  for the rest of her life, she stood by his side through everything, his madness, his anger, his sadness, his happiness-"

"He was suffering y/n-"

"If he loved her enough-"

"Do you know how is it feel to be stuck on a chair and not move even a single finger? No matter how big your love is for someone, sometimes you're losing the fight" Tom sipped his last drop of wine and looked back at you.

"If we were in this position, would you die just like him? Even if you loved me more than anything?" you questioned.

"I seriously have no idea y/n"

"I'd live for you Tom" normally you wouldn't admit this, the wine gave you the courage though to do so. "If I was William in that stupid chair, I would want to live with you for the rest of eternity" you glanced at him meaning every word you just said. Your love for him was like no other and for sure knew that you were more than willing to move every mountain to be with him forever.

"Stop saying things you don't mean y/n" he copied your words and grabbed your guitar from the floor, unsure if he should play it cool or say something more.

"You are not romantic babe" you played it off resting your hand on the couch and placing your head at the top of it while waiting for Tom to tune the guitar. "Also I was thinking of something today while I was working"

"You were thinking again?" he asked sarcastically.

"You piece of...give me that" you laughed and took the guitar in your hands."So, as I was saying, I was thinking that maybe today you should sing with me"

"Are you drunk?" Tom asked you disagreeing already with the idea you had in mind.

"What?"

"You know that I can't sing and even if it wasn't for that I would never sing with you"

"Why?" it felt kinda offending hearing those words as you didn't know why he felt that way.

"You have the voice of an angel y/n. I'm never gonna sing with you 'cause you'll hear how bad I sound and we don't want this trust me" he pulled his guitar close to him and smiled in your direction.

"I heard you singing before and you sound incredible so cut the excuses and follow me okay?" you didn't wait for any of his complaints. You started playing the song you imagined singing with him all day. The first reason being the fact that it was an easy song to play and sing. The second reason was the lyrics of it.

"Wise men say

Only fools rush in.." you began singing.

"Come on Tom..but I can't help falling in love with you" you continued hearing only whispers.

"Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin... I can't hear you

If I can't help falling in love with you"

Tom gained some courage and started singing louder. He didn't want to be unable to hear you, it was the thing his heart desired. But your expression, your eyes wide open begging him to join you. He could resist to them ever.

And the lyrics.

"Like a river flows

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be.."

You both stared at each other as you kept going. It felt more than just a song, more than just a famous melody. Those were words that none of you had the strength to say, not even dared to try. The fear of loss, the shyness of the last minute. You were saying to yourself that his teasing was just for fun, nothing more. Tom was doing the same. It wasn't complicated at all, but both your minds trapped in this maze, wouldn't detect the way out that was right in front of your eyes.

"Take my hand, 

Take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you..

For I can't help falling in love with you" 

You bit your lip and positioned the guitar to your legs keeping eye contact with him. The silence in the room was comforting, calming.  It definitely could say more than words.

Fuck it.

"I wish I could kiss you right now" Tom whispered under his breath, loud enough for you to listen. It was shocking. You blinked quite a few times doubtfully, assured that this was only a prank. But he was there looking at you, waiting for a reply. You were confused and he saw it too. His palms started sweating and his heartbeat increased in the blink of an eye. The voice inside him would stop yelling 'you screwed it' and his feeling got hurt quickly. He was ready to listen to you making fun of him, the plan that would break his heart in two. But your silence was currently the only thing he didn't want to. He searched for any signal on your face, even your body language but you were standing still as time had stopped.

"Then do it" 

He didn't hesitate for long. He was dreaming after all. Because this wasn't the reality he lived for sure. 

Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks.

He swore he heard them. The moment his lips captured yours he could hear those fireworks in his heart and ears. Bells were ringing and angels singing. Damn, I'm kissing one of them he thought. His right hand touched your neck deepening the kiss he was yearning for. Your lips in sync warm against his skin. His tongue over yours exploring your taste. Your perfume fueling his nose and brain, the butterflies dancing in their music now. 

It was magical. The goosebumps all over your skin making it even more real. Heart about to explode, all of the happiness hitting throughout your body. It was happening and still, it seemed like a fantasy. You slowly touched his chest and moved upwards to his shoulders making sure that you were really touching him and not any of your pillows. The sensation of his lips in yours was so much better than your imagination. Perfectly made for kissing you and only you.

You broke the kiss and the brightest smile he ever saw was on your lips. The lips HE was kissing.

"Y/n you have no idea how bad I wanted this to happen" he touched your forehead and with his thumb started to draw small circles. A tear rolled from your eye and dropped to his hand.

"Why did it take you so long?" you asked and closed your eyes feeling his breath hitting the skin of your face and hands.

"Baby don't cry. Please" he murmured.

"I'm just happy you know. It's no longer a fantasy or a dream. It's real" you admitted with your shaky breaths making your work hard. But you couldn't care less at that moment.

"I was afraid of losing you y/n. What if you didn't feel the same way? How was I supposed to know?"

"You wouldn't lose me okay? I'm feeling the same way Tom" you carefully brought your fingers at the top of his lips and touched them as you dreamed to. "I'm yours. I'll always be yours."

**the movie mentioned was me before you

**the song they were singing was can't help falling in love by Elvis Presley

Thank you for reading❤

[dipperdesperado]

Forspoken and False Progress Under Neoliberalism

Sorry for interrupting the regularly scheduled programming. Time to rant. Warning: this will be unstructured and contain a lotta conjecture. Hope you're not coming to this expecting some cracked academic theory or dialectical analysis; not gonna get it here.

So today, one of my most anticipated games, Forspoken came out.

I mean, look at this, looks cool, right? I was excited as hell since not only did the gameplay look insane, but it's literally a black-woman isekai storyline. I mean, if that doesn't sound awesome, I think you might need your ears checked. So, I was locked in from day one.

Then, I came down to earth and started to get worried. There was nary a black woman in sight for the actual development of the game. A japanese team, a Wonder Bread set of writers, and some very concerning statements in interviews. Stuff started to look a tiny bit bleak, but I mean, the game still looked how it always did, so I was like... you know what, I'll keep my head up.

Then, we get to The Discourse™. As someone who's been playing games my whole life and loves them dearly, I freaking hate "capital G" Gamers. Like, from gamergate to just general twitter behavior, the overlap between loud gamers and weird takes is insane. Once Forspoken got some more coverage, and we see the story a little more clearly, things just started to devolve. Like, the stuff that's going on today, the reason I'm writing this, is a perfect example of it. If you look on Twitter today, a lot of the stuff relating to the game will be the fact that the dialogue is "cringe" and "marvel-like". I like, don't necessarily disagree, but it seems kinda suspicious when just like a month ago, everyone was fawning over that High on Life game, which feeds heavily into an even more, painfully cringe comedic writing style.

Is it that it's cringe, or is it that people are more critical of this game because of its representation? If that seems like a stretch, don't worry. The game has been called woke too. Even if people don't say the quiet part out loud, implicit bias is still bias, ya dig?

It's so hard to talk about this specific game. Like, it seems like a woefully uneven game, that would be a really interesting subject for measured discourse since it does some really unique things with the movement, combat, and background of the MC, but also falls into pitfalls with how those pieces come together.

I think the thing that bothers me the most about this is the fact that there is some high-ass standard that this game seems to need to be achieving in the eyes of its fans that other games and media just don't. When people are overly critical of things that spotlight marginalized people, it can be hard to not want to torch their critiques. Like, everything gets muddied due to the fact that there's no consistency with what the supposed issues with the object are, and how those same issues go unnoticed in other objects. Again, people did not do this in masse with Deadpool, devil may cry, or any other thing that has this kind of dialogue.

I want to make it clear, if you dislike this stuff wholesale, then great. You're not who this is about.

Now, onto why I think this happens. One of the biggest issues we have with any conversation relating to social injustice is the conversation around responsibility and equity. Whether it's reparations, paying more taxes, DEI training, asking for accommodations, or the n-word, all of these issues revolve around equity and who's responsible. In our prevailing social arrangement (see the tin), people think that we've reached the peak. As in, racism has been solved, people are tolerant of others, etc etc. I think "I don't see color" perfectly encapsulates the issue with the discourse around identity. People think we live in a post-racial society, even though none of the work has been done to interrogate the root of the society such that the incentives for hierarchy and domination become fully untenable. Since everyone (for the most part, and in theory) have the same rights "on paper", why would we need to specifically spotlight voices that were marginalized "in the past"?

What then happens is that since we live in a time that is perceived to be better wholesale than other eras of destitution, it feels like an affront to freedom to try to disrupt "equal opportunity" by asking for "special treatment".

This is goofy. Like, the vapid nature of capital leads to a veneer of progress while under the surface, shit is the same as it was before. You can't get a haircut and become a new person. You just might feel brand new.

I think that in a funny way, this splits in both directions with Forspoken.

On one hand, the conversations around the game, implicitly or explicitly, highlight this faux-post-racial society, where everyone has the same opportunities in theory, but in practice, your results may vary. We'll let you have a game with a black woman as the lead, but we won't involve black women in the creation in a way that is meaningful and liberatory, since "it should be applauded that you're on the tin". But, since we have all of these racist biases and misogynoiristic machinations against black women, as gamers, we're going to look at it with a fine-tooth comb and draw out issues that interestingly enough apply to other games and shit we like but it wasn't an issue then for some reason. Hm. Strange.

As far as the devs go, I mean... a lot of the character stuff is what you get when the people represented aren't involved in the creation of the work in any meaningful way. I'm not going to get into the MC's background and stuff, but that shit is actually cringe and makes the "hip-hoppity walk" quote hit home forreal.

The point is, neoliberalism sucks and will probably be the death of civilization as we know it. Until we're able to truly create meaningful change instead of performative acknowledgment (I'm looking at you, thoughts and prayers), we're going to continue to get people that are less and less informed about the world, the closer they are to privilege.

I apologize if this is poorly structured or incoherent. I was just writing as I go because I was upset. Usually, I wouldn't write from this emotional state, nor would I let Twitter nonsense get to me, but I just wanted to lean into my emotions for once and vomit something out. Anyways, if you got anything out of this, great. If not, I'm sorry. I'll get you a cookie or snack or something.

[ravenadottir]

(nsfw ask incoming, minors avert your eyes) Do you have any headcanons about the LIs’ dicks? Cut vs uncut, size/shape, etc?

minors avert your eyes

you know what, i got a similar question a while ago but never in… cut detail… alright, straight into it, under the cut, for… purposes.

rahim. cone shaped and i'mma leave it at that! it seems like he would have no hoodie. plus… girth is on the base like a true cone would be and i believe two colors could be happening. it’s natural! also… jo was soooooo invested in ibrahim and why do you think that is? it happened too quickly to be just *feelings*.

noah. i also think he’s carrying a slight conic shape to his… um… ((trying to find a clever joke but it’s really hard…)). also no hoodie, and for some reason, the first time i was playing that roof terrace scene, the only word that came to mind was “majestic”, but hey, i’m a stan so don’t take my word for it! pretty unicolor, girth is more spread… along that area than on the base. and um, judging by his height and ethnicity i would say it’s a considerable size!

bobby stans, don’t kill the messenger! i think he’s carrying a medium size with a cut… and i don’t know why but i imagine it’s bicolor lol and why do i think he has a spotted dick? get it? ‘cause there’s a dessert called spotted dick. and he has freckles., anyway, moving on! i don’t think it’s big but i do think it’s a good size, you know? like, the size you kinda want to find in nature most of the times.

carl and kassam are packing! skinnier boys, particularly the pale ones, are MASSIVELY DECEIVING! while one doesn’t know it’s considered big, the other thrives about it! cut? yes. unitone? also yes. pale? you bet! and whenever kassam trips he blames it on his dick, i just know he does! he has that smirk of someone who just doesn’t need to try because nature gave him everything already. he has the luxury of rejecting girls because he’s anatomically blessed, there’s no other explanation!

gary… aaaaaah gary! little dude might not be packing more than carl and kassam, that i know! but i think the hood is gone and he takes care of it, because you know… he uses it a lot! i go in detail in their alphabets, like grooming, so check those out if you’re interested. when i think of gary i think “girth” and not “length”. also, and i say this with love from a stan, but… the guy operates a crane. you know what we say about the size of the cars they drive? he operates a fucking crane! it’s not gigantic but i think he says stuff like “motion of the ocean” because he’s a true dad.

lucas. people talk about asian men, particularly east asian being… small. I KNOW THEY’RE NOT. not only that, but the girth is… present. i know lucas doesn’t flaunt more than his smirk because he doesn’t have to! he has everything he needs right there! it’s groomed, it’s taken care of, possibly being bathed in oils and whatever else they can come up with! yes he loves to show off but he shows off quality, and that strikes me as confident… plus, it’s lucas we’re talking about! his energy is not the only big dick he has going on.

henrik. BIG. does anyone disagree about it? is there anyone who thinks mountain boy is NOT gifted? 'cause if you do, i’m sorry to bear bad news… henrik is packing. BUT, i’ll be honest, there’s a huge possibility of a hoodie going on, which is not bad or impractical, but he digs natural stuff and that might be his upbringing. his parents might’ve made the decision of no snip-snip and he never got to it. i think he’s rocking a solid hoodie under those green trunks, possibly rare freckles and very, very pale with a smash of rosé to match. the word i’m looking for here is… distinguished lol

and because i can’t leave him out of this, tai. GIRL! being a 6'3’’ polynesian guy has A LOT of advantage alright?!!? dude is reigning with that shit and you know he doesn’t need to be loud because it speaks for itself! my guess is no hoodie and everything is pretty unicolor, besides thick. everything about him just matches, you know??

anyway! hope this is what you’re looking for anon!

[blonde-freckles]

my chenford thoughts

here’s the thing. I’ve made my feelings on season four clear like I’m having tough time with seeing the chenford chemistry this year, it does almost feel like they’re trying write the opposite of chemistry so that people will stop shipping.

But this episode isn’t as bad as everyone’s saying. I came online, I saw the hate for the episode. I was not looking forward to it. But I really enjoyed it. It’s fair to say there’s not been any real chenford growth this season but this episode did highlight how far they have come since season 1.

There was so many times in season 1 that Lucy would try help Tim or talk to Tim about Isobel and he’d just shut her down and tell her it wasn’t her business. There was so many times in the episode where I was expecting Tim to pull the car over and tell Lucy to get out so he could speak to his sister alone, but he didn’t. He let his sister say it all in front of Lucy and honestly that’s kinda huge for Tim. He knew his sister was gonna keep talking, she seemed reasonable like I’m sure had he said can we not do this in front of my colleague she would’ve been fine.

So I have the disagree with what I saw online. I think he does trust her, he respect her opinion. She asked him to hear her out at the end and he actually did. He knows Lucy, knows she has an option and will always share it and will always want to help.

As for Lucy’s comment, I think it’s the scene that got the most backlash and I get to some degree but I really don’t think it was meant as ‘joke’, or a way to make fun of him, or her way of saying he was like his dad. It was a thought, Lucy wears her heart on sleeve she says exactly what she’s thinking. She said it and to me it look like she regretted it and hadn’t meant to. But I don’t think she was saying Tim was like his dad at all, it was a moment of realisation, like finding a piece to the puzzle and she understood a bit more about Tim and why he is the way he is.

Tim did look hurt. But I don’t think it’s cause he thought Lucy thought he was like his dad. I think it’s cause he always tried to distance himself from his dad and his childhood and he didn’t recognise that some parts of him are still there until Lucy said it out loud.

Lucy knows Tim, she’s said it before he’s a little rough but he has a good heart. She knows him, she values his opinion, she trusts him, she knew in that barrel that he was gonna find her. I don’t for a single second think Lucy believes Tim is like his dad and I don’t think Tim Lucy thinks he is.

A lot of people were calling for her to apologise, tell Tim she’s on his side and that she knows him and honestly I feel it coming next week. He’s gonna confront his dad and it’s gonna be emotional and we know Lucy’s there with them so I think there gonna be a heart to heart moment..,at least I’m hoping for one. 

[wholesomemendes]

Top of the List

Summary: You’re a junior in college who spends almost all of your time stuck in either your dorm room or the library until you’re forced to go to a frat party where you meet Shawn, who immediately changes your whole college experience. 

Author’s Note: I’m backkkkkk. I am so so excited about this one. This was based off a request I got in like May or something like that basically so insanely long ago and I never got to it because I knew it was going to be long. I kinda went off track with the request too a little bit, but I hope you love it as much as I do. It’s my baby so please be kind (also it’s my birthday so please don’t hurt my feelings too much lol). As always, I love hearing any type of feedback and I love you all x

Word Count: 12.2k

The door of your dorm room slammed open as your roommate rushed inside, frantically throwing her bag onto her bed and rummaging through her closet. You peered over the top of your laptop where you were busy editing an essay you had just finished for a class, watching her distressed state with curious eyes. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” Natalie asked almost breathlessly, settling on a silk, light pink top with a plunging v-neck and a short black skirt.

“Why are you rushing so much? Where are you going?”

You would’ve thought you had grown three heads by the way she looked at you and the way she rolled her eyes when she noticed you were being dead serious made you slightly cave in on yourself in disappointment. “How do you not know what’s going on tonight? Sigma Alpha Epsilon is throwing another one of their huge parties, it’s all everyone has been talking about for the past two weeks.”

“I don’t know, must’ve just gone over my head,” you mumbled, feeling a little self-conscious about your lack of knowledge on what was going on in the social life of your campus. Ninety-nine percent of the time your head was stuck in a book or hunched over your laptop doing homework in the library so it really shouldn’t have been a surprise that this party was nowhere on your radar.

“Well now you know, so you’re going with me. Chop chop you’ve got to get dressed.”

“HA, you think I’m going to a party?”

She raised an eyebrow at you, silently challenging you to disagree with her, “Um, yes you are. Connor invited me which means I’m inviting you because he invites like 20 girls and I don’t want to be stuck alone all night.”

“You’re not going to be alone all night,” you sighed, closing your laptop before swinging your legs off the side of the bed, “You’re popular enough on campus that you’ll be able to find someone to hang out there with if I’m not there.”

“I know, but it’d be more fun if you were there with me. Pleaseeeeeee.” Natalie pulled out her best puppy dog eyes on you, her bottom lip jutting out to make her face look more innocent, “I’ll even do your makeup and hair for you….and you can borrow some of my clothes!”

“What, are my clothes not good enough or something?”

“They are! They’re just a little too, what’s the word I’m looking for, conservative for a party. You need something a little bit scandalous, you know? Gotta give the boys a little something something.” She wiggled her eyebrows at you before letting out a huff of annoyance and getting up to grab your hand to pull you off of the bed, “Come on, no excuses. Let’s get you ready for tonight.”

__________________________

This wasn’t your scene. Natalie had left you to go play beer pong about thirty minutes after you stepped foot into the loud, alcohol-stenched frat house, but you soon lost sight of her when Connor whisked her away after their team won against two other frat boys to what you could only assume would be his bedroom. You didn’t mind that she left you, you’d rather have one of you enjoying yourself then have her be miserable trying to entertain you. The tight shirt and skirt Natalie forced you into didn’t seem like such a bad idea when you were staring at yourself in the mirror of your dorm (to be honest the way she did your hair and makeup gave you a newfound confidence you hadn’t had in years), but now as you stood in the corner of the kitchen quietly nursing your drink while your eyes scanned the crowd of sweaty college students, you couldn’t feel more insecure and self-conscious. Your arms wrapped around your center, desperately trying to cover up what little skin was to be seen and you wished that Natalie would come down those stairs any second to go back to your dorm with you. You were so lost in your thoughts you hardly noticed the stench of beer get stronger around you or the heat of another body on your shoulder until the unknown person was up against you. “Hey,” the boy who you recognized from one of your writing classes and were pretty sure was a part of another fraternity on campus slurred, “You wanna come dance with me, sexy?”

“Um, no I’m ok, thanks though.” You tried to turn and walk away from him, but were stopped abruptly by his hand gripping your wrist and pulling you closer to him again.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” he breathed into your ear, hot breath fanning across your face in the process making you cringe inward on yourself, “I’d love to feel that ass of yours up against me.”

“I said no, I don’t want to dance with you.” You could feel the panic rising in your throat, causing your words to come out broken and weak, and you desperately wished someone would see the fear in your eyes and come help you. His grip on you tightened the more you resisted and in that moment you wished you had never been stupid enough to listen to Natale about how fun this party was going to be.

“And I said you should come dance with me. So why don’t you-” HIs hand was pried off your wrist in seconds and you rubbed the spot where it had left, holding it close to your chest in fear.

“I think she already said no, buddy.” Your savior came in the form of a curly, brown haired boy that stood at least a couple inches over your unwanted dance partner. A scowl was evident on his face, his brown eyes hard and dark, “Now you should probably get out before I ban you from ever stepping foot in this place again.”  The other boy left, but not before rudely shoulder checking the person you believed was your hero, which only earned him a scoff in return. “God, can’t stand people like that. They have no common decency for anyone.” He made eye contact with you for the first time that night and your heart skipped a beat, your body feeling somewhat small compared to his tall height. He saw the fearful look in your eyes and placed a comforting hand on your shoulder before looking you up and down for any signs of damage from the previous encounter, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I am now that you saved me,” you mumbled slightly, lowering your gaze to your cup in order to avoid his worried look, “Thank you, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t stepped in.”

“Well I’m glad I could help. I’m Shawn, by the way, I don’t think we’ve ever met.” Sticking his hand out for you to shake, he gave you a dazzling smile and you immediately recognized him as the president of the fraternity, the one your roommate was constantly talking about trying to get into his pants. Seeing him up close for the first time, you couldn’t help but understand why all the girls wanted to get with him and why a lot of those girls did get with him. There was a blue bandana wrapped around his head pushing back the beautiful curls that adorned his head and his chiseled jaw and bright eyes entranced you, making it hard to look away. His black t-shirt was frayed at the top near the buttons, allowing his few chest hairs to peak out, and his muscles practically bulged out of the short sleeves. You noticed a few tattoos along his arms, one being the one all of the hockey players got after they won their championship, as you shook his hand, but his strong grip broke you out of your thoughts and forced you to look at him again.

“I’m Y/n.”

“It’s nice to meet you. Do you need another drink? I know where all of the good alcohol is if you want it,” he winked at you, a smug smirk on his lips as he held his hand up to his face as if he was telling you something top secret.

You looked at the almost empty beer in your hand sadly, but the thought of getting another drink absolutely disgusted you at the moment, “No thank you. I think I’m going to head out actually, I’m a little shaken up to be honest.”

“Don’t go because of that!” Shawn’s voice sounded rushed as if he desperately wanted you to stay, though you pushed the thought aside, knowing that he couldn’t care less about what you did. “If you want you can stay by me for the rest of the night or if you came with someone you can always use my name, I’ve learned it can get you a long way sometimes.”

Your eyes met his once again and you tried to push the butterflies that you were feeling down your throat. “I’m just here with my roommate, but I think she went up with one of your friends,” you admitted bashfully, rubbing your hand up and down your arm nervously, “I haven’t seen her in awhile. Parties aren’t exactly my thing, I’m only here because she forced me to come, so I think I’m just going to text her and then head out.”

“You’re going to walk home alone? Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“I don’t have any better ones right now.”

“Easy. I’ll walk you home.” He leaned against one of the walls comfortably as he spoke, a large smile on his face the entire time. There wasn’t a look of regret on his face, but you still questioned his motives. Why would he want to go out of his way to make sure you got home safe? Was he just trying to get you in bed with him? But if he was then why was he so adamant about getting that guy off of you?

“Don’t worry about it Shawn, really, I’ll be ok.”

“It’s either that or you’re staying in my room tonight so you don’t have to walk home alone.” There was a confident look in his eyes and he knew he had you beat, causing you to roll your eyes before walking past him towards the door.

His eyes followed you curiously as you walked away, watching as you turned around and beckoned him forward, “Come on then, I want to be asleep before 4,” leaving him to trail behind you like a puppy at your feet. __________________________

The two of you walked to your dorms in a mix of comfortable silence and easy conversation that sparked in the 10 minutes it took to get you home. It was surprising how little awkward tension there was for two people on completely different sides of the spectrum who had never met before today, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. You learned he was majoring in music, something that his parents weren’t one hundred percent confident with, though they still supported him nonetheless he assured you, and that he had been playing hockey since he was 6. The moment you got to the door of your building you stopped, ready to thank him for walking with you and move on with the rest of your night, preferably reading your essay one more time before heading to bed, but Shawn had other plans. “Why’d you stop? Did you forget your key or something?”

“No,” you looked at him with furrowed brows, “I think I can walk up to my dorm myself.”

He crossed his arms defensively with a stern look on his face, “Oh I get it, you don’t want me to know which room you’re in. I saved you from some creep and you still think I’m just like him don’t you."

“It’s not that, I just don’t feel comfortable bringing you up to my dorm after we just met.”

“Which is a big deal because…”

“Isn’t me saying that it makes me uncomfortable enough of a reason?” you asked him, mimicking his position as a tiny bit of anger grew inside of you.

Shawn scoffed, rolling his eyes at your words, “Honey, if I wanted to get you in my bed, you’d already be in there by now. There’s no reason to worry about me doing anything to you if you let me walk you up there.”

“Excuse me? Just because you’ve gotten with the entire cheerleading team…”

“Not true...”

“And at least half of the sorority girls…”

“Half is pushing it a little bit…”

“Doesn’t mean that you’d be able to get with me. I don’t have time for a relationship right now and I don’t do random hookups, thank you very much. So thank you for saving me at the party and thank you for walking me home, but that will be all. Good night, Shawn.” With that you turned on your heels, using your key card before slamming the door in his face and heading up the stairs to your dorm. You couldn’t believe it. Right when you thought you were forming a type of friendship or a least mutual respect for someone that wasn’t your roommate it all fell apart like it always did. What were you thinking when Shawn Mendes was the definition of a frat boy? Why would he want to be friends with someone like you? You couldn’t even lie and say that it didn’t hurt a little when he said he would’ve already tried to get you in bed if he wanted to. Were you really that ugly that the boy who practically got with any female that wanted to didn’t want to get with you? Not that you would sleep with him if he had asked you, you did have an unspoken rule with yourself that you didn’t want to do hookups in college, but at least knowing that he found you attractive would have given you a slight confidence boost. You already hated how you had never been asked out by the boys in college, even though you weren’t exactly looking for a guy or putting yourself out there to be asked on a date, and how every girl seemed to sneer at you when you walked past. So that night you cuddled yourself under the covers, vowing to never step foot in another frat house again no matter how much Natalie begged. __________________________

“What are you doing tonight?” Natalie launched herself onto your bed, causing you to let out a groan when she landed on you.

You pushed her off of you while she laughed, making you roll your eyes, “Probably just binge watching some Netflix honestly. Why?”

“Really? That wasn’t what I thought you’d say at all.”

“What’d you think I was going to say?” you laughed as she sat up and leaned against your wall.

“Oh, something along the lines of ‘I have to study for a test that I’ve already taken and rewrite my essay for the thirtieth time’”, she said in a high pitched voice you soon realized was her impression of you.

“Hey, I do not sound like that! And besides, laugh all you want about it, but I’m at the top of the class so I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, I’m just surprised you’re giving yourself a break.”

“I am,” you told her with a smile, “I have no homework to finish tonight or tests coming up or essays that need to be turned in, so I’m finally letting myself have a night off.”

“Or…”

You raised an eyebrow at her, “Or what.”

“Or you could come to the hockey game tonight with me so I’m not alone.”

“Oh hell no, Nat, I’m not doing this again.” You grabbed your laptop off of your side table, already ready to pop open your tv series for the night.

“What do you mean you’re not doing this again? It’ll be fun!”

“Last time you convinced me to go somewhere I almost got harassed by a drunk frat boy and then I got into an argument with another frat boy while you were busy hooking up with a different one.”

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad,” she scoffed, climbing off the bed, “Besides, you’ve never been to a hockey game before and you’re a junior. No offense, but do you know how pathetic that sounds. Our school is literally known for hockey! Just once and then I’ll never ask you to go again.” You gave her a stern look, one that threatened her to ask again, but when she flashed her eyes at you, you immediately gave in, rolling your eyes at yourself and already hating yourself for agreeing.

“Fine, but you can’t leave my side the entire night.”

“I promise I won’t! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She brought you into a bone crushing hug before releasing you in favor of searching through her closet for something for the both of you to wear. __________________________

You couldn’t lie and say you weren’t enjoying yourself a little bit. Opposed to last time Natalie was still sitting by your side and you had managed to convince her to let you wear one of your school hoodies and a pair of leggings to keep warm instead of the (as she phrased it) ‘hot ass’ outfit she had picked out for you. It was the final 10 minutes of the game and your team was ahead by four points, something everyone had been assured was an easy win from the start. Still, you could tell why everyone liked going to the games, it was energetic and loud and everything you thought a college game would be, but not as overwhelming. Even though Natalie had decided to sit next to Connor and they were relentlessly flirting and managing to have physical contact with one another the entire time, you were so focused on the game that it wasn’t bothering you as much as you imagined it would when you first sat down. You were entranced by the way the players skated across the ice, your eyes immediately drawing to one player in particular that seemed so comfortable on the ice. The moment you saw the back of his jersey though, MENDES written in bright white lettering, your heart dropped a little bit, not wanting to watch him as much as you were. Though it was hard not to when there was a clear reason he was made captain, so you were left to shamelessly follow his fast, steady movements across the ice.

The game soon ended with a win as expected and you were forced to follow Natalie and Connor deeper into the crowd of students to congratulate the team after they came out of their locker room. The crowd was cheering, adrenaline pumping through the air as you walked down the halls until you reached a large open space. Not long after all of the boys were making their way out, Shawn leading the pack like a true captain. A large portion of the girls (mostly puck bunnies or sorority girls or even some that just wanted some attention from the star himself) immediately crowded along Shawn and you could tell by the look on his face that he was enjoying every last second of it. His eyes scanned the crowd for a brief moment before landing on yours and you swore you could see his smile falter until it became even brighter than before. He excused himself from the hoard of girls as he headed your way, making your heart stop. Was he really coming to see you? What were you going to say? “Good job”? No, you don’t want to congratulate him, he was rude to you the other night. Don’t let him know how you couldn’t stop watching him the entire game, he doesn’t need another boost to his already huge ego. Is he gonna say something first? What if he…

“Hey man, how’d it look from the crowd?” Shawn asked as he bro-hugged Connor. Your heart dropped. Of course he was coming over here to talk to one of his best friends, why would you think he was coming for you? But you could’ve sworn the two of you had made eye contact. Were you really that stupid?

“Great as always, they were easy today anyways.”

“Yeah we went a little easy on them. Last time we absolutely creamed them and then I got threats from their team about how ‘we were gonna pay for embarrassing them like that,’” Shawn scoffed, “Like we were the ones who embarrassed them.” He turned his head, sending a bright smile your way before finally acknowledging you for the first time tonight, “I’ve never seen you at a game before, do you always leave right after it ends?”

You cleared your throat awkwardly, wondering if you should just lie or admit how antisocial you truly were, “No, um this is actually my first hockey game.” Ok, admitting how antisocial you are it is.

“Your first hockey game? What year are you?”

“I’m a junior…”

“You’re a junior and this is your first hockey game?”

“Oh calm down, it’s not that big of a deal,” Natalie chimed in, sensing your discomfort at the situation at hand.

“Wait, don’t tell me.” Shawn rubbed his forehead as if he was thinking before snapping his fingers in Natalie’s direction, “You must be Natalie, right? Y/n was telling me all about you the other night.”

“The other night?”

“Yeah, I walked her home after the party last week. She didn’t tell you?”

Her eyes went wide, looking in your direction with her mouth hanging open while you caved in on yourself, “No, she failed to mention that you were the one to walk her home.”

“Damn, you were that ashamed of me, eh?” Shawn let out a light chuckle before slinging an arm around you to pull you closer to him.

“Wasn’t exactly my proudest moment,” you mumbled, trying your hardest not to lean into his body that seemed so tempting. You didn’t know what body wash he used in his shower, the shower was evident by the slightly wet hair on his head that made him look absolutely breathtaking, but it was extremely inviting and you wanted nothing more than to snuggle your head into his chest and breathe it through your senses.

“Anyways, are you two coming to the party tonight?”

“I mean…” Natalie started, but you cut her off immediately.

“No, we’re heading back after this,” you gave a pointed look in her direction, “Right, Nat?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Oh come on, don’t be such a party pooper Y/n,” Shawn whined, ruffling your hair and laughing as you swatted his arm away.

“I’m not a party pooper, I’m just,” you stuttered for a second trying to find a decent excuse, “Just not quite dressed appropriately for a party, don’t you think?”

“Nonsense, I think you look great. But if it’s that big of a deal you can borrow my practice jersey and you’ll be all set.” Before you could protest Shawn was already reaching down into his duffle bag and producing a bright blue jersey with his name on the back. It was clear that this wasn’t just some jersey you’d buy in the school spirit shop, it looked as professional as it could, except the different design and tattered edges showed that it was made for practice.

“I’m not putting that on.”

“Why not? I promise it doesn’t smell and besides, don’t you want to let Nat have some fun?” He waved the jersey in front of you with a teasing smile on your face, causing you to roll your eyes before you snatched it out of his grip and pulled it over your sweatshirt. “That’s what I thought,” Shawn smirked as he put his arm back around your shoulders, “Now come on, I’ll drive, Y/n can be shot gun.” __________________________

No more than ten minutes later you were parked back at the same frat house you had been at the week prior and the mere thought of it made you sick. However, you didn’t know how much longer you could stay in Shawn’s jeep where he was stealing glances at you every five seconds and trying to annoy you in every way possible. He’d find every way possible to try and touch you in some way, whether it was a poke in the face or moving a strand of hair behind your ear, and constantly make comments that you wanted to laugh at, but wouldn’t be caught dead showing him that. So the second he parked you were already out of the car, breathing in a deep breath of clean air to make sure the scent of Shawn that was so heavy in his jeep would leave your senses. “Wow, was the drive that bad that you’re so eager to leave?”

You were praying with every ounce of your body that Shawn couldn’t see the blush on your face when he made eye contact on with you that teasing smile on his face, but the way Natalie snickered as she got out of the back of the jeep told you that she definitely knew. “No, I just get claustrophobic easily, that’s all.”

“Mhm.” Shawn looked at you, obviously not believing your excuse, but still motioning you towards the front door nonetheless. There was already a fair amount of people inside, at least enough to make you cringe at the thought of being there. Shawn had a light hold on your arm before leaning into your ear to make sure that you heard him, “I’m going to go get us some drinks. What do you want?”

“I don’t care, you can pick. Just please no shots of anything.”

“Ok, I’ll be back.”

Natalie and Connor were already god knows where, so you were left standing in the main foyer of the frat house, holding your arms around yourself while you looked around awkwardly, waiting for Shawn to return. You felt the familiar feeling of nervousness creeping up your throat and you forced yourself to focus on the smell of Shawn’s jersey and how warm it felt around you as a way to calm your rapid beating heart. He had only been gone a few minutes before someone else was approaching you, making your heart drop when you remembered what went down the last time you were here. “Hey, you wanna come dance with me?”

Hearing those words made you want to throw up, but you tried to keep your head up and your gaze unbothered while you prayed for Shawn to come back. “No thank you.”

“Well, can I go get you a drink then?”

“No, someone’s already…”

The feeling of an arm wrapping around you caused you to freeze until your nose caught onto the scent you had been unintentionally enjoying all night and you allowed yourself to relax into him. “I already got it for her. I think she’s all set, buddy.” The other guy got the hint quickly and backed away into the crowd until he was no more than a mere drop in a pool of people. “Damn, can’t even leave you alone for two seconds before you got some guy hitting on you,” Shawn laughed, but quickly stopped once he noticed the terrified look on your face. “Hey,” he placed a hand on your face to bring your eyes to his, “Did he touch you? Or hurt you?”

“No, no he didn’t, I’m still just a little shaken up from last time I guess,” you mumbled, bringing your gaze down to where your hands were engulfed in the fabric of your sweatshirt, “I’m sorry you have to keep saving me.”

“That’s understandable, it’s never a pleasant experience. And you never need to thank me, it’s just common decency.” You refused to meet his eyes again, but you heard his sigh before he gently grabbed your hand in his and handed you your drink. Your heart fluttered when he took your other hand in his grasp, the feeling of his rough calluses overwhelming your senses. “What do you say we go dance? Get your mind off of things for a little bit, let loose.”

“I don’t know Shawn, I’m not the greatest dancer…”

“You don’t have to be. I promise it will be fun.”

You knew there was a ninety-nine percent chance that you were going to embarrass yourself completely in front of him, but the way he was staring at you like it would break his heart if you said no made up your mind for you in a second. “Ok, let’s go.”

A wide smile broke out on Shawn’s face before he dragged you into the crowd, finding a spot he deemed fit for the two of you to dance in. It started out with just a simple step touch as you started to feel the rhythm of the music and allow yourself to relax as much as possible while sipping on the drink he got you. He tried to make small talk with you even over the loud music, resulting in him having to brush his lips against your ear as he spoke to you. Your heart fluttered with each movement and the alcohol you were consuming wasn’t making it any easier when he’d laugh at something you said, his bright brown eyes crinkling from his cheeks. As the night got longer and your cup became emptier, the distance between the two of you became smaller and smaller until your chest was pressed right against his. His free hand came up to naturally grasp your waist, but not in a way that made you uncomfortable. On the contrary, it made your stomach do flips that you couldn’t control even if you wanted to. His face was getting close, too close for your muddled brain to do anything rational about it. You didn’t know exactly what was put in the drink (it was delicious though and you knew he would tell you if you asked), but as a light weight you were definitely feeling the effects of it, so just as his nose touched the tip of yours you pulled away, muttering in his ear about how you had to use the bathroom before running off away from the crowd.

After winding through the halls of the house and passing multiple people making out against the walls, you finally reached the bathroom where you shut the door in a hurry, allowing yourself to take a deep breath as you leaned against the counter. Your eyes lifted up to stare at your reflection in the mirror, your brain struggling to process what had just happened. Was he going to kiss you? Was this his plan all along, to get you comfortable enough around him to have you wrapped around his finger? No, that couldn’t have been it. He was so easy to talk to and seemed genuinely interested in what you had to say and what you were doing. He wouldn’t do that just to get with you, would he? Your thoughts are interrupted by a series of knocks on the door, followed by a worried voice, “Y/n? Are you ok in there?”

“Yeah! I’ll, um, I’ll be right out!” You splashed some water onto your face in an effort to calm yourself down to a degree before opening the door to be met with Shawn’s concerned face.

“I’m sorry if I rushed you. You just ran out of there so quick I was worried something happened.”

Your heart swelled at how much he seemed to care about you and you willed the heat to leave your face, “No, I’m ok. I did feel a little crowded in there, but I’m ok now, thanks.”

“Yeah, of course. What do you say we go to the kitchen for a little bit to talk in there? It usually isn’t too crowded this far into the party.” You allowed him to take your hand and lead you into the kitchen where, like he said, was completely empty besides a few people every now and then that would come to refill their glass. Most of the alcohol had been moved into various places of the house so there was no fear of a bunch of hammered students coming in and ruining the place. There was a comforting silence between the two of you for a moment, the only sound being the music that could be heard from the main room as you both leaned against the counter next to one another. “I’m glad you came to the game tonight,” Shawn broke the silence, looking at you with a sincere look in his eye, “And thanks for letting me drag you to this party.”

“I don’t think I could’ve said no to the party, you’re pretty convincing,” you admitted, downing the last sip of your drink, “You were really good tonight, too. I never told you earlier, but I couldn’t stop watching you as you played. It’s obvious why you were chosen as captain.”

Shawn let out a nervous chuckle, his own cheeks showing a hint of pink to them, “Thanks, it means a lot. Do you want another drink?”

“No, I’m ok. I get drunk easily so I think I should stop before it gets worse.” You easily learned that you were an extremely honest drunk and if the words you were saying to Shawn were any indicator, you definitely shouldn’t drink anything more.

“That’s a shame, I have a feeling that you’re fun when you’re absolutely plastered.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well, you’re already fun as it is, but it takes a while for you to open up. I think I’d get to see you at your fullest, you know what I mean? But that’s just off of my first couple impressions of you, so what do I know.” He finished off his statement by grabbing a beer from the fridge, returning to a spot much closer to you, so close that your shoulders were right up against one another. “Do I make you uncomfortable?”

“No, I’m very comfortable around you,” you whispered, eyes falling down to his smooth, red lips.

He caught the motion of your eyes and let his do the same, his face coming just that extra inch closer to yours, “Do you think it would be ok if…”

“Y/n! We’re going home!” Natalie came barging into the kitchen, grabbing your arm and dragging you to the door.

“What? What’s going on?” you asked her, trying to tug your arm away, but her grip was strong and she was dead set on ordering an uber to get out of here as soon as possible.

“I’ll tell you when we get back.”

Your heart dropped as you looked at Shawn who looked just as confused and saddened as you. “Bye Shawn, thanks for bringing us.”

“Wait,” he muttered to himself, running towards the door before Natalie could get you out of it, “Give me your phone really quick.”

“Why?”

“Just trust me.” You unlocked your phone for him and watched as he added his number into your messages, even including a silly picture of him as his contact photo that you knew you’d be laughing at later. “Text me when you’re back at your dorm, eh? Wanna make sure you get home safe.”

Looking into his eyes you saw a completely different man than the one you had yelled at on the first night you met. This one seemed vulnerable as he stared at you, as though he was putting himself bare in front of you and showing you the real him. You nodded your head, taking your phone from his hand before Natalie was pulling you towards the uber. “I promise I’ll text you.”

“Bye Y/n.” __________________________

“What was that for?!” you demanded, staring down your roommate as she fell onto her bed.

“Connor and I got into a fight.”

“I didn’t know the two of you were dating.”

“That’s the thing...we’re not.” She sighed, propping herself up against the wall, “See the thing is...we’re talking I guess, but it’s not exclusive. It’s more like a ‘talking’ so we can hook up if we want to sort of thing.”

“So what does that have to do with you dragging me out of the party.”

“Well I was making out with Tim…”

“Why were you making out with Tim?”

“Because he’s hot and I’m drunk so it was a great idea. That was until Connor saw and got all pissed because apparently I’m not allowed to do that, but he’s all over girls all the time still so I don’t see the big deal! And because I’m so drunk I was over fighting with him for the night and I’m mad so therefore we had to leave.”

“Great,” you muttered, “I was finally having a good time at a party and then you and your hook up had to mess it up.”

“Y/n, I’m sorry. I truly am. If there was a way to make it up to you I’d do it. But preferably when I’m sober.”

“It’s fine, it’s not that big of a deal anyways,” you mumbled before you began to change into some more comfortable clothes for the night. You noticed you were still wearing Shawn’s jersey that you would ultimately have to give him back for the game, but you couldn’t help but think that you could worry about getting it to him tomorrow and maybe that would be your chance to make up for the time you lost tonight. __________________________

The light streamed in through the window of your dorm and you groaned, pushing yourself out of bed to turn off your alarm. You sighed to yourself as you got yourself up and moving for the day, even going as far as making sure that Natalie was still alive and breathing after she came home late last night from a bar before grabbing your bag to head to class. You hated your 8am class, but it was the only slot available that worked with your schedule so you simply had to man up and accept your fate. You were about halfway to your class when you heard a distant voice call out to you and you whipped your head around to meet a smiling curly haired boy running your way. “Y/n, hey,” Shawn smiled at you after finally catching up to you, “Long time no see.”

“Hey, Shawn, how have you been?” You hadn’t seen him since you had dropped his practice jersey off at the doorstep of the frat a few weeks back, but you couldn’t lie and say a part of you was hoping that you’d run into him again.

“Good, miss seeing you at the hockey games though.”

His comment made you blush and you brought your gaze to the floor so he couldn’t see your heated cheeks. “I never really went before so I wasn’t exactly planning on going anytime soon again.”

“You didn’t have a good time?” he asked with a feigned offense, big puppy dog eyes on display as he walked next to you.

“I promise I did, I just prefer to stay in my dorm and study if we’re being honest.”

“I understand,” he nodded thoughtfully, “So where are you headed?”

“English Literature, how about you?”

“Calculus, which if we’re being honest here is not my strong suit. If I don’t get at least a B on this next test they could pull me from the game. I swear I’m not dumb, I just don’t get it I guess.”

“Well, I don’t know if it means anything to you, but I had an A in that class last semester. I could help you out if you want.”

“You’d do that for me?” he asked with wide eyes, bringing you both to a halt in front of your lecture hall. “Of course I would, when’s your test?”

“Next Tuesday, could we meet on Thursday after practice?”

“Sounds perfect. Just text me the time and place.”

“I owe you a bunch.” Shawn leaned in to press a kiss to the top of your temple that left your heart fluttering before making his way over to his own class. __________________________

Thursday felt like it would never come, but there you were sitting alone inside the library at eight thirty at night, waiting for Shawn to arrive from his practice. A million thoughts were swirling through your head the longer you waited and you desperately wished he would show up to give you a distraction from your mind. You were constantly worried that he wouldn’t show up, had planned on ditching you from the start as some kind of sick joke, but that fear was diminished when he stumbled through the doors. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he breathed out, “Practice went later than expected.” A series of students shushed him for being too loud, causing a sheepish expression to grace his face, “Sorry.”

He sat his bag down next to you, sliding in close enough that you would be able to see what the other was doing while still maintaining a safe distance. “Sooo,” you broke the silence as he got his books out, “What do you want to start with?”

The rest of the time was spent discussing Shawn’s upcoming test and explaining what each concept was to the best of your ability. You could tell that he was smart, he just needed a little bit of help, so he was very easy to work with. Besides how hard it was for you to concentrate around him that was. Whenever he leaned in to peer over your work a little more, your heart beat increased rapidly and you held your breath until he moved away again. You couldn’t tell if he was aware of your behaviors, but he seemed extremely unfazed, always dazzling you a bright smile after something made sense to him. It was adorable to you when his eyes would furrow a little bit while he was working and the proud glow on his face when he got a problem right.

Time seemed to go by quick with all the little jokes he was making and soon enough it was eleven at night and the library was beginning to close down. “Guess we should be heading out then,” Shawn laughed, “Unless you plan on sleeping in here tonight.”

“No, not exactly. Was kind of looking forward to my bed if I’m being honest.” A chuckle of your own escaped your lips as you packed up your bag alongside him.

“Did you drive here?”

“No, my car isn’t on campus. I just walked.”

“Well I hope you weren’t planning on walking back too.”

“What other choice do I have?”

Shawn raised an eyebrow at you, “Seriously? You’re going to ask that when I’m literally right here.”

“I’m not going to ask you to drive me home, Shawn.”

“Good thing you’re not asking me, I’m telling you. Now come on, my jeep is right out here.” You didn’t protest this time, knowing he wouldn’t back down from his offer, and instead followed him out to that black jeep you vividly remember from your last trip in it.

The ride back to your dorm was significantly quieter than what your previous encounters with Shawn had been besides the quiet music playing in the background. By the time he had pulled in front of your building, there were hardly any cars to be seen around and all of the students were already inside. Shawn turned his body to face you, “Thanks for the help tonight, I really appreciate it.”

“My pleasure. Good luck on your test next week, I know you’ll do great, but you can still text me if you want to meet up again.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He gave you a kind smile when you thanked him for the ride before you opened the door to the brisk night air. “Y/n wait…”

“What?”

“I know you’re not really into parties but…,” his words trailed off as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “There’s this movie night thing at the frat Saturday night and all of the guys are expected to bring a date. Do you maybe wanna come with me?”

You looked at him with wide eyes, “You want me to be your date?”

“Yeah, if you want to be.” Even in the darkness you could see the way his cheeks reddened and he failed to look you in the eye.

“I’d love to go,” you told him truthfully and you couldn’t help but smile with him when his face lit up at your words.

“Really?! That’s, that’s great! You’re supposed to wear your pajamas by the way so I hope that’s ok with you.”

“Perfectly fine with me. Just text me the time later.”

“I will. Bye, Y/n.”

“Bye, Shawn.” He watched you walk into your building with a giddy smile on his face before he drove back to his frat for a sleep that he hoped included dreams of you. __________________________

“What are you getting all dolled up for?”

You look over from where you’re doing your hair to see Natalie laying on her bed staring at you with curious eyes. “I’m going to movie night with Shawn.”

“You’re going to movie night with Shawn?!” Natalie exclaimed, her eyes practically bursting out of her head.

“Yeah, he asked me to go with him as his date.” You tried to keep your calm in front of her and not show how excited you truly were, but your smile was fighting to break free on your face.

“Is he picking you up?”

“No, I’m probably just going to walk or maybe get an uber.”

“Walk? Honey, no. Connor is picking me up, I’ll just text him and ask if he can drive you, too.”

“You don’t need to do that…”

“Nonsense, there’s no reason for you to walk when I’m literally driving to the same place.” Natalie quickly grabbed her phone to text something to Connor before getting up out of bed to walk over and fluff your finally curled hair.

“What’s going on with you and Connor anyways?”

“Oh, we’re just friends with benefits for now,” Natalie said dreamly, her hands separating your curls to make them more natural as she spoke, “But we decided that we’re going to be exclusive. No more arguments about that I guess.” You nodded your head thoughtfully, carefully examining your appearance in the mirror. “Why are you getting ready so early? We don’t have to leave for another two hours.”

“I know, but I thought you’d have to use the curler and mirror, too, so I figured I’d get done early so you could have enough room to do everything.”

“You’re the sweetest ever,” she told you, kissing the top of your head making you scrunch your nose. “Do you want me to do your makeup for you?”

“I’m not sure, I just want to do something natural.” You examined your face with much criticism, trying to decide what you wanted to do to hopefully make you look more appealing to Shawn. You didn’t just think that did you? You’re not really trying to impress Shawn tonight, right? The butterflies in your stomach told you otherwise and you cursed yourself for the thoughts that were taking over your head.

“I can do that,” Nat responded quickly, “Easy. Now what I’m concerned about is what you’re wearing tonight.”

“I was planning on wearing some sweatpants and a tank top or maybe one of my patching pajama tops and bottoms. I wasn’t sure yet.”

“See this is where we’re going to have an issue. Don’t you want to wear something a bit more revealing? Want to impress Shawn a little bit? I have a slip you can borrow if you want or…”

“No, I’m all set, I just want to be comfortable. I appreciate the concern, but you know it’s not me to wear something like that out in public. It makes me uneasy.”

“I know, I know. Let’s just focus on getting your makeup looking absolutely perfect just like you.” __________________________

Connor pulled up to the frat house before unlocking the car door for you and slinging an arm around Natalie’s seat to look back at you, “Why don’t you go in and meet up with Shawn, we’ll be in in one second.” You gave him a forced smile and a small thank you as Natalie giggled and you rolled your eyes the second you got out, happy to finally be away from their never ending teasing of one another. You made your way up to the door of the frat and knocked loud enough to be heard, transferring your weight back and forth out of nervousness. The door opened not long after revealing your date for the night looking as cozy as ever in a pair of grey sweatpants and a cotton white t-shirt. His eyes subtly looked you up and down with a smile on his face. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you breathed out, letting yourself admire him the way he was you.

“You look beautiful.”

“Thank you, you look extremely comfy and nice as well.”

“Why thank you, I like the plaid.” You looked down at your plaid sleep pants and tighter fitted grey long sleeve you had on top, your cheeks blushing red at his comment.

“I know I probably am not dressed up like a lot of the other girls, but I just wanted to be comfortable…”

“Stop it, I think you look amazing. Now come inside, I already have a spot for us.” You followed him through the frat house until you came into the kitchen that looked a little different now that it wasn’t filled to the brim with alcohol. “Do you want any hot chocolate? Or tea?”

“I’ll have hot chocolate please.”

“Good choice, good choice,” he chuckled, pouring some of the boiling water into two mugs. “You know, I’m kinda surprised Natalie didn’t force you to wear some form of lingerie like a lot of the girls are.”

“She tried to convince me to, but I didn’t want to. I’m just as surprised as you are though that she let me get away with this.”

“Well, I think it’s better that you came here comfortable rather than wearing any of that.” He handed you your cup, warning you of how hot it was. “Speaking of Natalie, where are her and Connor?”

“Still in the car, they kicked me out right when we got here.”

“Typical,” Shawn snorted before making his way into the living room with you trailing behind him. The room was already about half the way full with couples, if you could even call them that, and the room had a much cozier vibe than what you had previously seen it as. There were blankets everywhere and snacks piled up onto all of the tables. There were a few guys and girls that were obviously not too interested in their date and were mingling with other people instead and some that were extremely interested in their date to the point where it was almost obnoxious. “I got us the seat in the corner by the table. You can put your mug there if you want and those blankets that are there are ours, too. I’m just going to run to the bathroom quickly so you can wait there until I come back or you can go somewhere else.” He kissed your cheek lightly, leaving you with a heated face before he left you alone in the room. You swore you could feel the hard stares of the breathtaking girls around you and you sank yourself down into the couch, desperately wishing Shawn hadn’t left you here by yourself.

You sat there for almost ten minutes before you had decided that you were finished being the target for the judgemental looks and whispers from those around you, peeling yourself out of your spot before heading towards what you were praying was the bathrooms in hopes of running into Shawn on the way. Just as you rounded the corner you could faintly make out a female voice and you snuck your head around only to be met with a sight that made your heart drop. There she was, the drop dead gorgeous head cheerleader you knew had been in Shawn’s sheets multiple times before, with her hand on your date’s chest, that mischievous glint in her eyes that was laced with lust. Shawn’s hands were wrapped around her wrists and although you couldn’t hear their words, you couldn’t help but feel betrayed at the whole situation. Here you are, being made a fool of in front of all of these people who have always seemed to despise you from the start. You finally started letting your guard down for Shawn and what do you get in return? A stabbing pain in your heart. Tears began prickling in your eyes before you turned straight on your heels to head out of the frat without a second thought in your mind.

Just as you were about to reach the door, it opened for you, Natalie and Connor entering with giddy smiles on their faces. But at the sight of you, Natalie’s smile dropped, “Hun, what happened?”

“Nothing, I think I might head out.”

“What?” She made a signal to Connor so that he’d leave the two of you alone and he agreed, whispering something in her ear before moving past you. “Ok, now tell me what happened. You were so happy about coming tonight!” With tears threatening to fall down your face, you told her exactly what you saw from the moment you stepped into the house and before you knew it, you were encased in her arms, her hands rubbing comforting circles on your back. “I’m so sorry, baby. He doesn’t deserve you if he’s going to let her get away with that.”

“Am I stupid to be so affected by this?”

“No, that was a dick move on his part and you are allowed to feel upset about it. What we’re not going to do though is leave, you hear me? Two can play at this game.”

“What do you mean?”

“I meannn, let’s give him a taste of his own medicine. Come on, follow me.” She wiped underneath your eyes before leading you back into the living room towards the couch on the opposite side. Two guys you recognized from the frat were sitting there alone and when you noticed Natalie walking over to them confidently, your heart stopped.

“Nat, what are we doing?”

“Just trust me on this...Hey guys!” The two guys looked up at the sound of her voice, a heavy smirk on both of their lips. “You got any extra room for a little bit?”

“Be my guest,” the blonde one responded and Natalie wasted no time in pushing you to sit next to them.

You stumbled slightly onto the couch, but recovered quickly, sending a light wave to the guys, “Hi.”

They both greeted you back with a smile, leaving Natalie to be quite satisfied as she whispered in your ear, “Be back soon,” and then she was gone.

You weren’t close enough to the guys that it would be considered dangerous to you, but you were definitely closer than you would usually be with some strangers that you had literally just met. The conversation flowed easily between the three of you, not as easily as it did between you and Shawn though, and you found yourself constantly glancing towards the entryway in case he decided to make an appearance. Just as one of the frat members announced that the movie was starting in five minutes Shawn made his way into the living room, his eyes spotting you immediately. You could see his jaw clench from the corner of your eye and the way his eyes hardened was not easy to miss. This only made you up the antics a little more, with a hand moving to the shoulder of the guy closest to you before the sound of your name being called from across the room caught your attention, as well as everyone else’s in the room. You looked over to see Shawn staring at you coldly, his head nodding at the seat he had for you as a signal for you to come back. “Thanks for the seat boys, but I better be heading back,” you told them with a cheeky smile that they returned to you before heading over towards Shawn. You could feel the strong gaze of the other couples and you desperately wished that you could curl in on yourself and disappear. Once you were close enough to him he pulled you down harshly into his lap, wrapping his arms around you and whispering in your ear, “What the hell were you doing over there?”

You wriggled out of his arms, but still laid next to him, allowing him to bring the blanket up and over you with his arm around you. “I was making some new friends to keep me company since you were so busy with Vanessa when you were supposed to be just using the bathroom.”

“Fuck,” he said under his breath, “Listen, I don’t know what you saw, but…”

“I don’t want to hear it Shawn, I just want to watch the movie and leave.”

“No, I want you to listen to me because I can see how you might have taken this the wrong way.”

“Was there a right way to take it?” you whispered back angrily, feeling his arm tighten around you so that he could bring his mouth closer to your ear.

“Not from your point of view, but I swear I didn't mean to hurt you. I haven’t been answering her texts for the last two months and threatened to block her last week and she was all butthurt about it, saying that she wanted things to go back to when she could call me for a booty call whenever she felt like it. And I don’t want that anymore. I’ve got my eye on someone right now and I wouldn’t mess up my chance with her like that.”

“If you have your eye on someone then why didn’t you bring her tonight?”

“I did.” You looked up at him as the lights were turned off and you caught a glimpse of his eyes before he was facing the screen and pulling you closer to his chest. You snuggled into him and wrapped your arm around his body too, leaving the both of you with graceful smiles on your faces. __________________________

Of course the guys had picked a scary movie for the night, causing you to squeeze Shawn a little tighter at every jump scare. He didn’t mind though, it only gave him an excuse to pull you closer to him and press light, comforting kisses into your hair. Somewhere between the halfway point of the movie when you tucked your head into Shawn’s chest at a particularly frightening scene and the end of the movie, you found yourself dozing off, eventually falling into a light slumber cuddled up against him. The even beating of his heart lulled you to sleep until you felt him shaking you softly, whispering your name into your ear. “Hey, the movie’s over.”

“Oh,” you sat up and tried to comb back your slightly messed up hair, seeing the other couples retreat to their respective rooms, “I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

“Don’t be, you look cute when you’re comfy.” His words caused your cheeks to heat up and you situated yourself to try and hide your face from him. “Are you ready to go back to sleep?”

“Yeah, I should probably head out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m ready to fall back asleep...which means that I need to go home so I can go to sleep in my bed.” You looked back at him with furrowed brows that matched his.

“Y/n, it’s two in the morning, why don’t you just stay here. No one else is leaving.”

“You don’t have a spare room though…”

“You can sleep in my room, I’ll sleep on the floor if you feel too uncomfortable.”

“No Shawn, I’m not kicking you out of your own bed. If you’re so adamant about me staying then we might as well share it.”

“Are you sure you’re ok with that?”

“I’m a big girl, Shawn, I think I can handle sleeping in a bed with you for one night.”

Shawn let out a laugh that was music to your ears before extending a hand to you that you gladly accepted. His hand engulfed yours perfectly and you stumbled as he pulled you up off the couch because you were too busy trying to memorize the feeling of his hand in yours. “Careful there, honey,” his sweet voice drawed out, “You’re even more tired than I thought. Can hardly stand on two feet.” He escorted you hand in hand to his bedroom, which was much cleaner than you would have imagined. There were a couple guitars on stands, a piano in the corner, some hockey gear half stuffed into a bag on the floor, all things that perfectly described Shawn to you. He slid into his bed, adjusting himself under the covers before looking at you with a boyish grin and beckoning you towards him. You sat down next to him, playing with your hands awkwardly. “You ok?” You nodded your head. “I can put up a pillow barrier if you want, I have to admit I tend to be a cuddler.”

You giggled, imagining you waking up to find him snuggled up against a pillow between the two of you. “It’s ok, I don’t think we need a pillow barrier.”

“Suit yourself.” He turned off the light, getting even more comfortable in his bed and turning towards the wall. “Goodnight, Y/n.”

“Goodnight, Shawn.” __________________________

The deep scent of oak and cinnamon should have woken you up. The heavy weight slung across your stomach should have woken you up. The unusual heat that was spreading across your back should have woken you up. But instead, they all just kept you in a peaceful slumber as the morning light streamed in through the window.

Shawn was the first to awake. Breathing in your comforting scent, he squeezed you a little tighter, not quite realizing what he was doing. The moment you pushed back into him in an effort to get impossibly closer to him his senses became wide awake, suddenly making him on high alert to how close you were to him. He couldn’t imagine how you’d feel if you woke up to find the two of you like this, but when he tried to untangle himself from you and you subconsciously gripped his arm tighter, pulling him back to you, he gave up the fight and let himself get lost in the moment. Against his better judgment he placed his lips to your hair, leaving feathery kisses in their wake. Your body began to move slowly as you came to a consciousness, but Shawn continued to kiss down your neck until he finished with a soft one on your shoulder. “Good morning,” he rasped, looking at you through his lashes.

“Good morning.” The second you came to a full realization of what was happening your body froze, not quite able to process the exact situation. The immense heat that was radiating off of him was too soothing for you to resist though and soon your body fell slack against his just as it was while you were asleep.

“How’d you sleep?” Shawn asked, tracing his finger across your cheek bone.

“Like a baby.”

“Good to hear.” His stomach rumbled, making a laugh escape out of him, “And that is good to hear too, I guess. You want to go get some breakfast.”

Deep inside you wanted to say no and selfishly keep him close to you all morning long, “That sounds perfect.”

Your body became cold the second he left your side and you shivered slightly from the temperature change. “You ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” you lied, grabbing his hand to help you out of bed. He pulled your body close to his, looking at you deeply with those gorgeous brown eyes of his.

“Were you uncomfortable this morning?”

“No,” you stuttered, feeling small as he towered over you even if you didn’t find him intimidating, if anything the words coming out of his mouth were more intimidating than him.

“Why not?”

His body came closer to you with each word until you were backed up against the wall, his chest pressing against yours. “What?”

“I asked you why you weren’t uncomfortable.” His face was so close to you that you could see every last detail of his skin, including a scar on his cheek that you didn’t happen to notice before, but made him look all the more endearing to you.

“Because I trust you.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes.”

You could tell by the way that his eyebrow quirked up that he didn’t believe your wavering voice, “Are you telling me the truth? Because I want to know if you feel the same way about me that I do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought I made it quite obvious,” he chuckled, “I really, really like you, Y/n. I was hoping maybe this morning was a sign that you felt the same way…”

“It was,” you breathed out quickly, not wanting this moment to fade away. “I like you too, Shawn.”

His lips fanned over yours and your breath hitched in your throat, desperately waiting for him to move the final inch. “I’m not going to kiss you,” he told you, watching the light in your eyes dim and cast down to the ground, “Hey, look at me.” Shawn grabbed your chin gently, pulling your eyes back up to his, “It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because it feels wrong to do it without going on a date first. You understand?” You nodded your head sadly, making him let out a quiet laugh, “But I would like to take you out on a date if you’d let me.”

“I’d love to go on a date with you.”

“Perfect,” he leaned in to kiss the tip of your nose, “Now let’s go down and eat breakfast. I’m absolutely starving.” __________________________

Are you free Tuesday night? Sorry, I just couldn’t wait to ask you

The message came through the second you stepped through the door to your dorm room. Natalie and Connor had woken up later than you and Shawn, so Shawn had offered to drive you home instead. You looked out your small window that happened to be facing the street and were met with his jeep still parked next to the curb. His eyes met yours causing the two of you to smile and you could practically hear his laugh from three floors up.

I’m free all night

Perfect, see you then I’ll pick you up x

Can’t wait x __________________________

The rest of the weekend seemed to drag on until your classes came again on Monday to distract your mind from the next day. It didn’t help that you and Shawn were texting almost every second of the day since you two had parted, only adding to your anticipation.

After seeming as though it would never arrive, Tuesday night came upon you, bringing you back to the same chair this all started with. Natalie was over the moon when you told her about your date, immediately wanting to know everything about it and what outfit you were planning on wearing. She had you propped up in what she called her “makeup chair” making sure your makeup and hair were the best they had ever looked. You had chosen a simple sweater and leggings, hoping that you looked nice enough while still managing to stay warm and comfortable. Shawn hadn’t told you where you were going yet, stating that it had to be kept a surprise, so you worked with what you had in order to have an appropriate outfit.

At six o’clock sharp Shawn was waiting outside, leaning against his jeep on his phone was a bouquet of flowers in one hand. His eyes flickered to the door anytime he heard a noise, but at the sight of you he stood up straight, hands pocketing his phone before he was headed straight towards you. “Hey, you look beautiful.”

“And you look as handsome as always.”

A blush formed on his cheeks at your words and he handed you the flowers bashfully, ducking his head down to avoid your gaze. “These are for you.”

“They’re gorgeous, thank you.” He sent you a bright smile as he took your hand to lead you around the car, opening the door for you to slide inside.

“Will you tell me where we’re going now?” you asked as soon as he slid into the driver's seat.

“Not yet, gotta keep the suspense up,” he teased, his hand coming up to lace his fingers with yours on the center console. “I hope you’re hungry though.”

“If we’re being honest I’m always hungry.”

“Then this is going to work out great.” The ride was short and before you knew it you were turning into a parking lot of a small old-fashioned diner a few minutes off of campus. Shawn parked the car, running around the jeep quickly to open the door for you. You smiled at his kind gesture and took his outstretched hand for you to walk inside together.

The two of you were sat inside of a booth across from each other as you scanned the menus. Shawn hardly looked at his before he was nodding his head and leaning back in his seat to look at you, “Got any idea of what you’re getting?”

“Um, not really. Have you been here before?”

“More times than I can remember. I usually go here after practice late at night because it’s open until like three in the morning.”

“Any suggestions?”

“Well I always get the cheeseburger with no tomato, a chocolate milkshake, and extra fries…”

“Extra fries? You eat that many fries?”

Shawn laughed, a wide smile forming on his face, “Most of the time yes, but if I don’t I just bring them back to the frat house. They’re always gone a couple seconds after I set them down.”

“Hmm, I can't decide if I want a chocolate shake like you or an oreo one. What do you think?”

“I think you should get an oreo one and then we can share them both.” You looked over your menu at him with a small smile, watching his eyes light up as he returned your expression.

“Then that’s what I’ll do.” The waitress came over and you ordered the same thing as Shawn, except with tomatoes, different shake, and of course, no extra fries. Once your milkshakes came out, he requested two extra straws, winking at you as he slid them in.

“So,” he began, sipping on his chocolate milkshake, “Do you think you’re going to come to more hockey games this season?”

“I’m not sure, I guess I’d need a good reason to go,” you smirked at him, taking a sip of yours as well.

“I’m pretty sure I could give you a good reason.” He looked around to make sure no one was looking, but fortunately you two were the only ones in there besides another couple on the other side. Shawn grabbed your hand and leaned forward, his nose brushing against yours. Your heart started beating faster until his lips were right against yours, but you faltered when he froze. The look in his eyes was pleading with you to let him continue so you took control instead, closing the small gap between the two of you. His free hand cradled your cheek as his lips moved with yours, keeping you close to him. It was short and innocent, but it was enough to leave your head spinning and heart pounding. Your lips chased his once he moved back, desperately wanting to feel the softness of them on yours once again, causing him to laugh with a smile before giving you a peck to satisfy you. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

“I doubt it was that long,” you mumbled, eyes focusing on where his thumb was rubbing the top of your hand.

“What makes you say that?”

“No guy has ever really been into me before.”

“I think that’s a lie. Besides, I’ve wanted that since the moment I laid eyes on you.”

“Really?”

“Mhm.” He brought your hand to his lips to leave a lingering kiss on it, “You would’ve noticed if your head wasn’t stuck in a book.”

“Didn’t know it was bad to try to be at the top of my class.”

“It isn’t. I think it’s great that you’re at the top of the class list. Now you’re on the top of two lists.”

“Two lists?” you asked, watching as he smiled and leaned forward to try to steal another kiss.

“Yeah, the school’s and mine.”

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part eighty nine/

Word Count: 4.9k

A/N: Hi! Enjoy the update!

Warnings:major angst

Taglist:   , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, ,  @a-simple-salmon,  @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @awesomealmostdopestudent, ,  @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill-blog @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls-blog,  @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, , @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream,  @broke-n-bitchy​,  @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @herbertweeest, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001,  @waywardprincess666, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @nassauartist  @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe,  @kellysimagines @thoughtsoftheantagonist @marvelismylifffe, @sleepyjunhong  @meetthesixxter @sparxx27 @gingerspicetalks @kaitieskidmore1 @unknownoblivion @nevergoodenuffbutokaaayyy @sublimeprincesswasteland @kylieinwonderland @haileynicoleseavey17 @lavendersoundbarrier @xxisxxisxxis, @dogmom2014, @cruesixxlover1991,  @m0rnlngstar,  @findingmyths,  @i-want-to-shoot-myself, @arianareirg, @fentitrbl, @patheticgay69 , @redlipscrystalskies14, @samanthadegaro @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels @thechangingme, , @makaelahdelvalle

*Nikki’s POV*

I sighed heavily through my nostrils, resting my head against the couch as I sucked on a hard piece of watermelon flavored candy. Dr. Peterson left a few very persistent voicemails on my phone as well as pages on my pager, attempting to get me to come to the therapy office. Reluctantly I agreed, but I wish I didn’t as I assumed Vanity would be here too, however she’s not.

“Hey Doc…” I speak lightly when she walks in, sitting directly across from me in the leather chair as she crosses one knee over the other.

“Thank you for coming in Nikki, I’m sure you are a very busy man.” She eyes the handful of empty candy wrappers on the oak coffee table, “It’s new candy, I just put it there today…and looks like I have to add more.” She smiles as she jokes.

“I like the strawberry ones better…and it’s okay, I wasn’t super busy today. Sorry for taking long to get back to you.” I sit up more in the chair as she opens up her folder and takes out the good ‘ol notepad.

“So how’ve you been? Anything new?”

I shake my head, “I’m okay, just been busy. We finally wrapped up the album, then we do some promoting and then we hit the road for tour.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that it’s hectic and time consuming. Have you taken anytime for yourself to relax recently?”

My lips pull into a small grin, “Is this where you poke my brain and tell me I’m putting myself into work too much?”

Crystal chuckles a bit, “Do you think you’re putting too much of yourself into work?”

“It’s my job? I kinda don’t have a choice. Not like anyone else is writing songs, well good ones for that matter.”

She nods, “So you’re the one in charge? excuse my ignorance, I don’t really follow your music. I’m sure that’s stressful having everyone depend on you. Do you deal with stress well?”

I shrugged, “I don’t have to write all the songs, it just happens that way.” I chuckle a bit under my breath, “Too loud for you? I mean, yeah it’s stressful. I used to go out and get high, but then that overtook everything. Now I just work out or take my camera out or write more songs to relax.”

“Just not my cup of tea, Nikki. Have you done any of that recently? Vanity mentioned shopping helps her relax.”

I roll my eyes and laugh, “Anything that revolves around spending money sounds good to her. And no, I haven’t had the time. Stuck at rehearsal with the band and when I’m not at rehearsal I’m hanging out with the band at a bar.” I stare when she writes something down, “Taking notes already?”

She glances at me, “I do it with everyone, you know that. So you only hang out with the guys? The same guys you’re around all day? You never really escape work, do you?”

“Well…I mean no…but I have fun when I’m with them. Tommy and I are like practically married and Mick is fun and John is cool too. I see Tommy constantly cause Van and Clementine are best friends. Sometimes it’s a little much. At times I just want to take a break but I know I can’t because it���s my music and it keeps the nice things flowing and Arianna’s school.” I explain to her, “I mean…I would have enough to take a break for a long time but still…I don’t want too.”

“Tommy, right…Vanitys mentioned him a few times, same with Clementine. But why are you so worried about money? Vanity has money does she not?”

“Yeah…god mother of the year.” I roll my eyes, “Yeah, yeah…Van has plenty of money for her, she’s a great mom. I missed out on a lot the first few years of Arianna’s life so I just want to make up for that.”

“Well…as you know, everything you missed could have been prevented. Kids don’t remember a lot from their childhood anyways, with the exception of a severe traumatic even happening. They usually won’t start remembering moments until the ages of 7 and 8.”

I glare a bit, “I don’t need to be told the same thing I already know. If I had kept my dick in my pants I wouldn’t have missed anything, I know.” I lean forward reaching for another piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth.

“Theres no reason to jump to the defense Nikki. We’re just talking.” I would think she was being condescending if she wasn’t a damn therapist.

“Right-“ I roll my eyes, “Talking? You’re blaming me for it.”

“Well who is to blame them? Vanity? You’d be surprised to know she never wants to talk about this.”

“Wait-no, no. You’re twisting my words. No, it’s not her fault, it’s mine. But still, she could have called or retuned my letter letting me know.” I defend myself as she looks at me.

“Nikki, we can spend all day talking about the things Vanity, should’ve or could’ve done differently. We can talk for hours about how things were suppose to go differently.”

“Then why the hell did you bother me? What could you possibly want to talk about if it’s not that?”

“How are the dates going? Let’s start there.”

I stare at her a moment, rubbing my knees as I take a breath, “I don’t know…Donna, she’s great but she’s just…she’s just not Vanity.” I look away feeling disappointed, not because it wasn’t working, but in myself. That it took me seeing someone else to figure out what I wanted, “Donna’s hot and funny, well tries to be funny. But she hangs on to every word I say, thinks I’m right about everything, doesn’t ever disagree with me…it’s…it’s boring. I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been with Vanity for so long, that nobody else can compare or what. But I just…it’s not working. Donna’s too clingy anyways.”

“Really?” Crystal sounds surprised, “You were so vocal about seeing other people.”

“Well…I wasn’t excited about it. I did it because I thought thats what Van wanted. I just wanted to help fix us. I would do anything for us, for her.” I sigh as I lean back against the cushion.

“You thought.” She pointed out, “You assumed and didn’t really ask what would have helped, did you?”

“Well…I-“ I stumble over my words before sighing, “No, I didn’t. I just took the first suggestion that was brought up. I wanted to get out of the office before I was ganged up on.”

Crystal chuckles, “Nobody thought about ganging up on you Nikki. You just don’t like when you aren’t in control, that is both of your issues.”

“I don’t have control issues.” I glance at Crystal as she stares at me, “What? I don’t.”

“Yes you do, wether you like to admit it or not. You mentioned earlier it’s always you writing songs because nobody else will do it.” She says, using air quotes might I add as I glare in return, “I’m sure they would if you backed off and gave them a chance.”

“I just like to make sure things are perfect, there’s nothing wrong with that. Mick isn’t interested and Tommy wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Nikki, maybe if you gave them a chance they would shine and pressure would be taken off your shoulders. Nothing has to be perfect, there’s no such thing as that.”

I roll my eyes, “Okay, so maybe I have a slight control problem but this, the band, has been the only thing in my life I actually have control over.”

“And the other parts you don’t? Can you tell me about it?”

I groan in annoyance, “Oh come on. I’m sure Vanity has mentioned a thing or two about me. I’m sure she’s told you all about the reason why I’m fucked up is because of my childhood.” I reach for a candy disk, unwrapping it before popping it into my mouth.

“The subject has came up once or twice but Vanity never dived deep, she said it wasn’t her place to talk about it. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks softly, like how every other therapist in the past has done.

“No, not really. But I just moved around a lot as a kid…”

“Oh, well I’m sure that had an affect on you. Always being the new kid and what not. Are you parents still together? They must be so proud of you.”

I laughed, probably a little too loud “God no. My dad split when I was a kid and my mom and I don’t talk, at all. Every time we do it explodes into something bigger.”

“I’m sorry for that, I’m sure it was hard without a dad in the picture. So your mom raised you?”

Again, I laugh, “Here and there when she wanted me. Half the time I’d be with my grandparents.”

She glances at me, “Is this why you’re so scared of failing as a father?”

I stare at her a moment, “I’m not like my dad. I didn’t just abandon the girls. I begged her to move here so we could be a family.”

“So…they had to uproot the life Vanity had built for them in New York to make you comfortable? Which is essentially what you had to do every time you moved as a child?”

I shake my head “You’re twisting my words. I just wanted them close. Vanity hated New York, she basically stayed for Clementine.”

Crystal shakes her head, “Are you assuming she hated it because she told me she loved it there.”

I chuckle l, “Loved it? Of course she loved it! She was nose deep in fucking coke when I got there.”

“And that’s a problem she’s been working on has she not?”

I sigh, “Yeah, yeah. And I’m proud of her. I know it’s not easy. But I’m not like my parents alright? I’m not just leaving Arianna high and dry nor am I leaving her alone in a run down fucking house okay?”

Crystal looks at me, her head slightly turning to the side, “If you know that, then why are you so worried about messing up? You sound like such a great dad Nikki, from what Vanity tells me. That little girl is lucky to have you.”

I exhale deeply as I nod a bit and lean back against the chair, “Because something always happens…”

“If you spend all your time waiting for bad things to happen you’ll miss out on everything life has for you. Can you give me an example of something happening?”

“I don’t know…I could relapse, Vanity could relapse. We could break up, she could fall in love with someone else and leave me…” I mumble the last part “..and I don’t want her to leave me.”

“You both work hard on your sobriety right? Then what is the worry?” Crystal looks at me, taking off her glasses as she leans forward a bit, “I think you need to spend less time worrying about her being with someone else and only worry about her being with you. Like I said earlier Nikki, we can spend all day talking about the what if’s but it doesn’t help anything or anybody in the long run.”

I frown a bit, “I guess you’re right…it doesn’t do me any good, just drives my anxiety up the wall.”

She smiles a bit, “See…I knew I could get through to you. Is there anything else you want to discuss? You said the dates you’re going on aren’t fulfilling?”

I nod, “Yeah they aren’t. I’d rather be at home with the girls.”

“So…now I’m gonna assume you and Vanity are going to sit down and talk? If this is how you’re feeling, plus with how she feels..”

“I want this to work with her. I need it to work. I can’t picture myself with anyone but her. I hated my ex wife because she wasn’t Van. I just forced myself to pretend that I tolerated her, let alone love her.”

“Then I think you two need to sit down and discuss what you both want from each other and what it will take to make it work. You can’t always blame your issues on your childhood, just like she can’t blame everything on her temper and how she reacts to stressful situations.”

I laugh under my breath and grin “Yeah, she does get mad at the slightest thing.”

She cracks a smile and nods, “That she does. But just like you, Vanity also needs the control. I think you two need to find a solid ground and share it evenly, 50/50. Not 25/75 or 60/40. But right down the middle.”

“And what if we can’t?”

“Nikki.” I sigh and let my shoulders fall back, “As long as you two actually talk about your problems instead of holding onto the anger and grudges. I think both of you also need to learn how to let certain things go.”

“Like the cheating?” I look at her, “She throws that in my face any chance she gets. I just don’t know how many times I can say sorry for it.”

Crystal nods, “I understand Nikki, I do. But put yourself in Vanity’s shoes okay? It’s a traumatic situation for anyone. Just think if the tables were turned. How would you feel? How would you’ve reacted? I believe what bothers her is the principal of it, if you being with someone else. She didn’t want to see it, just like mentioned earlier, you don’t want to see her with another man.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll work on being understanding and sharing control. I need to be home more, hopefully after this album I can take a break for a while and we can get to know each other again.”

“It’s not a bad thing to get to know one another again, you aren’t kids anymore.”

*Vanity’s POV*

“It’s okay Ari! Just brush it off and keep going!” I yell, cupping my hands around my mouth as I sit back down on the folding chair. I wince when I see Arianna trip over the soccer ball again and get a mouth full of dirt, “You’re doing great, sweetie!” I give her a smile when she looks over, glaring as she brushes the dirt off her knees.

“Come on Van, she can barely kick the ball without eating shit. Maybe soccer isn’t for her.” Nikki states, flicking a peanut shell at me. I glance down, seeing him laying on his side on the blanket, “We could try gymnastics. Or cheerleading.” He points in the direction of coaches surrounding a little league team.

I sigh as I slump back in the chair, groaning when Arianna falls again, “It’s only the first day of practice, Nikki. She’ll get the hang of it.”

“Or she’ll get kicked off the team.” Nikki laughs before sitting up and leaning against my leg, “However, it is pretty entertaining to watch.”

I roll my eyes and tap the back of his head, “She has to start somewhere, she can’t just be great over night. I know it took you some time to get good at bass playing.” I smirk a bit as he tilts his head back to look at me.

“Don’t go there. She clearly has no coordination at all and she’s kicking way to hard at the ball and that’s why she keeps falling.” He shakes his head when Arianna kicks the ball and hits another kid in the gut, “See? And she’s being a ball hog.”

“A ball hog? Maybe you need to coach this team instead, Sixx.”

“Well I do look good in stripes.” He laughs but it quickly stops when his phone starts ringing. I watch him dig it out of his pocket as he shakes his head and shoves it back in his jeans.

“If it’s a work call then take it.”

“No, no it’s fine. It’s just Donna, she can wait till later.” He tells me, glancing in my direction as we look at each other for a moment. I watch as he scratches the back of his neck before he looks back at the field, mumbling something under his breath.

I chuckle to myself when his phone starts ringing once more, he digs out of his pocket again before shoving it away, “I’m sure you wouldn’t want her upset with you since you’re ignoring her calls. It’s okay Nikki, you aren’t missing much, it’s just practice.” I explain to him as I see his back raise with a deep inhalation of a breath before he exhales.

“No. This is important, unlike making plans for another expensive restaurant or some stupid high end club.” Nikki spews out, I can hear the annoyed tone.

I clear my throat a bit, “Is everything okay with you..and her?” He side eyes me from the corner of his black shades as I see the corner of his mouth pull up a bit.

“Just...she’s...she’s just making it complicated. She’s asking for too much. Always wants to talk on the phone or hang out or meet up for coffee. She doesn’t grasp the idea of space. Donna wants to be a girlfriend and she’s not girlfriend material, at least not for me.” Nikki leans back on his hands, his legs stretched out on the blue and black flannel.

“Girlfriend material?” I question him as he turns his head to look at me.

“Yeah? You know...girlfriend material? She’s a great women but she couldn’t handle being with a rockstar. Grew up catholic and has all these beliefs that just make me want to gag. She’s hot but she can barely talk about anything other than the modeling and acting. I like someone that can at least tell me what they’re thinking at any given moment.” I feel him nudge my leg as he rests a dandelion on my knee, “I don’t know...it’s just fizzling out.”

I fumble with the yellow flower between my fingers as Nikki cheers for Arianna. My eyebrows pull together in confusion. He was just spending this whole past week with her so I wonder what could have changed. I was still thinking about everything Dr. Peterson had told me last week, I was nitpicking the pros and cons of the situation. Nikki had apologized the next day after our fight like always and then that turned into me being under him...like always. And then it was back to ignoring the problem.

“Hey Nik? Can we talk-“

“Mom! Mom! Did you see how good I’m doing?!”Arianna runs to me, exuberant as always before she’s taking the juice box Nikki hands to her.

“Of course baby! Daddy and I are so happy you’re enjoying it.” I smile at her, smoothing her hair back and wiping some dirt off the side of her cheek, “Just try to be careful okay? And let some of the other kids get the ball.”

She nods feverishly, “But coach Taylor said I’m doing a really good job!”

“And you are princess, but it’s a team sport. So you gotta let the others play with the ball too.” Nikki tells her as he ties the laces on her cleats and tucks them into her shoe, “Sixx’s always play as a team babe.”

“But Blackwoods know how to get the job done themselves.” I wink at her as she giggles and hands me her juice box, “Go finish and then we’ll grab some dinner and maybe ice cream.” Arianna nods before she gives me and Nikki a hug and runs off to the field again.

“So...how are you and Jon?” Nikki questions, almost uncomfortably as he glances at me for a split second.

I shrug, “He’s been busy with studio stuff so

I haven’t really talked to him that much. He calls every few days or so just to see how I’m doing.”

Nikki nods as he leans back on his elbows, “Oh…well that’s good at least…”

“Yeah, I guess?” I chuckle a bit and shake my head, “It’s not like you really care.” 

“Yes I do..” I glance when Nikki mumbles, picking blades of grass and flicking them away. I chuckle at his words and shake my head, my eyes going back to soccer practice.

“Yeah, okay Nikki.”

“I’m gonna go get a drink at the concession stand.” He mutters quietly, getting up as his bangs fall over his eyes. I glance at him as he shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair as he walks across the field. I look down, noticing the unopened bottle of Coca Cola from earlier.

*A few days later*

I took a deep breath in and exhaled as I paced nervously outside of Nikki’s office door. Why was talking about how we felt so scary for us? My heart was racing as I hear the light hum of bass strings being pulled. Nikki had came home from having lunch with Donna an hour ago and slammed every single door he went through, so I wasn’t sure what had happened. I said hi to him but he brushed me off and went straight up the stairs.

I crack my knuckles as I try to find the courage inside of me to knock on the door. I just wanted to talk and I figured with Arianna being at school still, it would be the best time to do so. Ya know, in case of it getting ugly.

My lips puff up as I exhale deeply, glancing at anarchy as she’s sprawled out on the floor watching me, “Wish me luck.” I knock on the mahogany door, not hearing any response to come in. I wait a second before reaching for the doorknob and slowly cracking it open, seeing him hunched over in the usual position when he plays his bass with headphones on. I watch him for a moment as he reaches for his journal and writes something down. He notices me through the reflection on the blank computer screen.

Nikki turns around in his chair as he takes off the headphones and smiles “Hey sorry. I just had an idea and I wanted to play it while I had it.”

“No, no it’s okay. I get it. I uh just wanted to talk but you’re busy so we can just talk later.” I stay by the door, gripping the handle as I swallow the lump in my throat.

Nikki stares at me for a moment “No, come sit.” He motions to the futon, “What’s going on?” He sounds concerned as he rolls his chair closer.

“Okay..” I mumble as I sit criss cross on the cushion as I hold the pillow in my lap, “I went and talked to our therapist the other day to get some things off my chest and now I want to talk to you about them.” I take a breath as I look at him, he looks as worried as I feel, “I-I just feel like we aren’t getting anywhere. That this-“ I motion between us “..isn’t going anywhere.”

“You think that?” I notice the slight frown playing on his lips “I took the advice the therapist gave, Van. I didn’t want too….is this about me locking you out? If it is I’m sorry, I was just messing around.”

“Yes, I think and feel that. Like we’re just not letting go and we’re trying to stay together for the sake of Arianna. No, no it’s not because you locked me out. I’ve been feeling like this for a while now..”

“Is that what you want? For this to be over?” Nikki stares at me as he gnaws on his bottom lip, “Are you breaking up with me?” It’s faint but I hear it and it makes my heart heavy.

“I-I I don’t know..”

“My dates with Donna haven’t been that fun, not like how they are with you.”

I smile a bit before it fades, “I just feel like it’s me that’s trying to save our relationship, or what little is left to save. I’m just confused Nikki.”

“What’s there to be confused about Van? You either want to be with me or you don’t.” I stare at him, I wish it was as simple as that but it’s not. 

“Do you wanna be with me?” I ask him as he chuckles a bit and rolls closer to me.

“Vanity, of course I want to be with you. You should already know the answer to that. It’s always going to be you every time.” I look away at the painting on the wall as he touches my knees, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth.

“I just feel like our relationship is one sided now. I told you from the start I didn’t want to do this, seeing other people. I vocalized how much I was against it and you still wanted to do it anyways.”

Nikki nods as he lets out a deep breath “I know, I know. I should have listened to what you were saying. It put an even bigger strain on our relationship. I broke things off with Donna today. She was just getting on my nerves. I was only going out with her because I saw how much fun you were having with Jon and how happy you looked. It made me jealous because the whole time I was miserable.”

“You didn’t seem like it..I don’t want to break up. I just wish it wasn’t so hard all the time. We aren’t kids anymore, it feels like how it did 10 years ago and I feel like it shouldn’t be. It should be easy for us by now. Do you think other couples have it this hard?”

Nikki chuckles as he gets off the chair and sits down next to me, “No baby, I don’t. Because not everyone is as complicated as you and me. What do you want from me Van? You want me to actually work on us instead of finding excuses not to?” I glance at him as he smiles at me.

“But that makes me feel like a bitch when you say it like that. I feel selfish. Do you want this?”

“Vanity, you may be a temperamental brat and a pain in my ass sometimes, but you aren’t selfish. You’re far from it.” He reaches for my hand as he brings it up to his lips “I want this. I want you and only you. We shouldn’t be doing this because of Arianna, we should be doing this because we love one another and cause we want this to work. I do love you Vanity.”

“I know you do and I love you too.” I feel him kiss my knuckles again as he’s gently pulling me closer and into his lap. I feel him wrap his arms around me as he lays his head against my shoulder. I sigh as I lay my cheek atop of his head and let my nails run over his neck and back.

“I’m sorry for making you feel this way. Like we weren’t gonna have a chance. I never wanted to do that.” He tells me as I nod and kiss his temple.

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose, it’s okay. I just worry and overthink sometimes because you’re you. You’re Nikki Sixx. You could literally have anyone you want and I could be so easily replaced at any moment. It just scares me.”

Nikki looks up at me and laughs, “You? Oh come on you’re joking. Doll I love you just the way you are. Sure, models and playboys are hot but they couldn’t even touch you. They’re not the ones running out of the house applying make up and dragging a kid behind them because they’re running late. Or throwing water on dinner because they forgot they were even cooking. They don’t have eyes that remind me of the ocean when the sun shines. They don’t have soft lips for me to kiss, even when my breath is so fucking rancid in the morning.”

“Hey I haven’t set dinner on fire in a few months alright?” I laugh a bit as I lean forward to give him a kiss, “Thank you for saying that.”

Nikki licks his lips as he leans back against the couch to look at me, “Plus who else on this planet is able to make me cry? Besides Arianna, she’s just harsh.”

“Yeah she has been pretty mean to you lately hasn’t she?” I chuckle as I move pieces of hair back and out of his face.

“Yeah all because I wouldn’t let her crawl into the that claw machine at the arcade a few weeks ago. You know she put her blue goo in my boots? That’s not something I ever want to feel again.” He shudders as he looks at me and smiles “I’ve also been trying to meditate and write my feelings out instead of keeping them inside.”

“Oh! So that’s why you’ve been sitting at the pool every morning? I thought you were just having a mid life crisis or something.” I grin and laugh when he pinched my hip.

“Hey just because I’m getting closer to 40 doesn’t mean shit.”

“Kinda does a little bit, Nikki.” I lean forward and squint “is that….is that a grey hair?” I tease him as I pretend to pluck it out of his hair.

“Oh shut the hell up. You have them too probably.” He rolls his eyes as he pretends to pout.

“Oh no no baby. Not on this head of hair, you won’t find a single thing.”

Nikki leans forward as he gives me a quick and simple kiss, “Well whenever it happens, I’ll still love you when you’re old and grey.”

[saintnightshade]

Show Me Who You Are

(Void(oc)/Toby)

(Panic/anxiety attack, written from personal experience)

"C-come on! You've s-seen my face, ngh, you know what I look like! Woo! S-show me yours!" God, Void couldn't believe this shite, he got stuck doing the nightly perimeter check with hatchet man… got stuck working with someone who wasn't one of his brothers. "No." was the only thing he managed to get out before hatchet man threw his arms around Void's neck, hanging off him like a twitchy monkey and going into another long tirade about how 'that's not fair' and 'you've been here for months' blah blah blah… Void could feel his face heat up beneath his mask as he pried the other man's arms off from around his neck and shoved him away. Void jammed his balled fists into the pockets of his leather jacket and carried on with the check, walking ahead of hatchet man.

This place, this mansion, was the definition of a goddamn nut house, fuck the loony bin, this place had nothing on Saint Rhodes. And Mother really wanted them to play NICE with these people?! Void might be slipping into 'calling the kettle black' territory here but he did not care, not anymore. He couldn't handle this; everything here was so chaotic, people coming and going at all hours, it all seemed so… disorganized. He and his brothers prided themselves in their roles and organization back at their home. Especially Soldat and Hush, they both had their hang-ups about that kinda stuff. Were they not just as fed up as he was? Weren't they overwhelmed? Then again... this wasn't their home. It wasn't his home.

So...Maybe he's being… a LITTLE disagreeable. Maybe. Like a child being forced to move into his new stepfather's home… Eugh, Void vigorously shook his head at that unwanted thought. This is all so new, so strange and nobody seems to want to give him the time to take it all in. Not even a little. Void stepped around a divot in the ground while clenching and unclenching his fists a few times, his breathing began picking up. They'd stare at him, talk about him, question him. Untrusting, suspicious, everywhere all at once, watching and watching. Waiting for him to screw up probably or turn his back so they'd have a new place to stick their knives. It's not like he came here willingly, it's not like he threw a wrench into their perfect little routines on purpose.

Void hadn't noticed that hatchet man had stopped babbling, in fact, he had forgotten that he was even there. He was too in his head, too preoccupied with the onslaught of so many feelings all at once... A panic attack?! Now?! The crunching of dirt and gravel beneath his feet was becoming unbearably loud. His chest seemed to tighten with every rapid pulse of his heart and every shallow breath he took; sucking the life out of his limbs, leaving them feeling numb and shakey. His legs suddenly buckled from under him forcing him to kneel in the dirt, no not now, no one can see this! He was screaming on the inside, thoughts racing faster than he could grasp them and he just couldn't stop it. He can't be weak, Void is not weak! He terrorizes and maims and murders, people like him do not do this! His face was getting so hot, but everywhere else felt so cold. Sweat was beginning to roll down his face and back. His hands felt clammy and stiff and they hurt from all the flexing.

A pair of hands suddenly rested on his shoulders jolting him every so slightly from his daze, he couldn't think straight, couldn't see who the hands belonged to. His eyes were blurry from the tears he was trying to hold back and his mind was a jumbled mess. He couldn't breathe, the mask was making it worse… it was so hot, so suffocating, off off off, please. Please. With clammy hands he shakily brings them up and onto his mask and tears it off, throwing it to the side and onto the ground. Fresh cool air rushes over his face. cooling his burning skin. The only thing he can hear is his loud gasping pants, desperately trying to gulp in as much air as he can. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears and the occasional vague noise from somewhere in front of him.

Void rubs his hands over his bare face and begins counting in his head, going through the steps to correct himself. He focuses on the weight on his shoulders; hands. They're not his or Soldats or Hushs… It's hatch… Rodgers. Toby. He's kneeling in front of him gripping hard and pressing down on Void's shoulders, anchoring him, whether he knows it or not. Void takes the opportunity to clamp his hands around Toby's wrists, he pulls down with his weight forcing Toby to push down harder and he does. Void methodically breaths in, out, in and out. His head bowed the whole time, avoiding any possible eye contact, trying not to think about the humiliation he feels. A panic attack in front of anyone makes him want to vault off a bridge out of pure humiliation but he can't even do that if he can't fucking stand up on his own. He needs…

"I-I won't l-look. Just, ngh, st-top f-freaking out and breathe normally, woo, or else you'll p-pass out."

Toby's voice interrupted his jumbled train of thought, his words were surprisingly calm, and his voice was a soothing melody amidst the chaos in Void's mind. The grip on his wrists never wavered, it was steady and sure. Toby was a mystery to him, he seemed to switch from being overly talkative and chaotic to being surprisingly perceptive and calm. Void's panic attack must have damaged his brain... His breathing began to slow as the panic subsided but he did not pick up his head, still too raw from the episode.

"You okay?" Toby asked softly, his jerking to the side as did, his grip on Void's shoulders slowly loosening. Void nodded, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. He felt embarrassed and exposed like all his fears and weaknesses were laid bare for the world to see. He quickly retrieved his mask, not even bothering to wipe it off and put it back on, the familiar weight of it embracing him and giving him a sense of security. Only now did he dare to slowly lift his head to face Toby and when he met his gaze he was surprised to see, what he thought was, a genuine look of concern on his face.

"...Thanks." Void said gruffly, his voice cracking a little from stress, he got to his feet with Toby's help. "I'll be okay."

"No p-problem," Toby said, giving him a crooked smile and lightly clapping him on the back. "We've all gotta, woo, have a m-mental breakdown every, ngh, n-now and then." Toby snorted out a laugh. Beneath his mask Void allowed a small smile to leak through, he knew this was an attempt at brushing off the whole debacle and he appreciated it. Void wiped his hands on his jeans and nodded. He still didn't trust Toby fully but it was as good of a start as any. "We better finish up here before Masky gets sent out after us." Void said, "Plus I'm getting hungry, nothing works up an appetite faster than having a mental breakdown at night in the middle of the woods." Void nodded his head towards the path in front of them and began walking with Toby matching his pace. "Oooo, w-was that a, ngh, joke?" Toby snorted "I didn't, woo, know you c-could do that… or, uh, is it s-sarcasm?"

They continued the rest of their perimeter check in this manner; Toby filled the silence by talking about everything and nothing while Void occasionally chimed in with his own short comments. They seemed more at ease around each other, maybe it wouldn't last but Void was pleased they at least had something positive come out of tonight's meltdown.