#but i just. idk. it explains everything about what i've been through and what im still going through

[lockhartandlych]

told my mom i'm developing a widow's peak and she laughed, saying "yeah, it runs in the family among the men."

jesus christ with that and the neckbeard i really am intersex arent i

[angel-eyes05]

a spider in the snow

pairing: fem!reader x miguel o’hara

summary: you help rehabilitate an injured miguel after he returns from one of his late night patrols…in more ways than one

warnings: nsfw, fluff then smut then fluff, handjob (both m and f recieving), blood mention, an incy wincy tincy bit of angst

word count: 2.5k

notes: heyyyyy i've come back from the dead. i don't really write a lot of one shots so go easy on me for this one. just like every horny person on the internet, i’ve fallen head over heels in love with miguel o’hara. this is me giving into my impulses lmao. sorry if i do anything thats out of character idk him that well so just work with me here. i also don't know everything about nueva york and if names are different than here or something so im just gonna pretend they’re the same. if they are, great! if not, just go with it lmao. one more thing, despite being cuban i am a no sabo kid (rip me) so i had to use a translator for some of this so apologies in advance if some things aren't super accurate. ok lets get on with the show.

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Snowy nights in Nueva York have always been one of your favorite parts about moving up north. Seeing all the lit up buildings illuminated in the snow, all the people ice skating in Rockefeller Center rink just below your apartment window, the reminders of Christmas coming soon. It kept your heart warm against the freezing temperatures outside. You also loved the feeling of being able to bundle yourself up in blankets and hoodies, a mix of yours and your boyfriend’s, having an excuse to make hot chocolate, and finally being able to use the fireplace that normally laid dormant in the middle of your living room. The one con about the snow was when it would land on Miguel’s patrol nights. Your already nervous mind was only heightened by the added uncertainty of everything that could happen while he was out there. What if he got too cold while out there and it affected his ability to fight? What if it started snowing too hard and he wouldn’t be able to find his way back to the apartment? You knew some of your concerns were probably dumb, but they felt serious to you. 

This was one of those nights. One of the nights where you would sit on your couch, next to the cracked window, unable to sleep until you could see him come back safe. You flipped through the channels of the tv aimlessly, trying to find something to keep your mind off of the growing cold outside. You eventually turn it off after coming across the weather channel, claiming a snowstorm would be rolling into the city in about 15 minutes. Deciding there was nothing you could do about your situation, you walked over to your bedroom and wrapped yourself in your massive duvet to shield from the cold. Worries dashed around your mind about everything that could happen. Despite being verbally supportive about Miguel and his…hobbies, you really hated the idea of him sneaking out in basically pajamas almost every night to “beat up the bad guys” essentially. Even though he had explained everything to you by this point, having been dating for about three years now, you still couldn’t quite understand everything. Radioactive spiders? Corrupt businesses? Fangs and claws? Mutations? A multiverse? It was a lot to wrap your head around. But, despite all of this, all of your worries and concerns over Miguel, you stayed. Because you knew you didn’t start dating him because of his whole superhero business or whatever. You were dating him because you loved him. The real him. The way he would always press gentle kisses into the crook of your neck. How on his days off, you would be woken up to the smell of eggs and bacon cooking in the kitchen just for you. How he would always whisper sweet praises to you while you would give him head. How easily he could be crumbled down beneath his rock hard exterior. The Miguel underneath the red and blue spandex. You dreamt of this as you slowly fell into a calm slumber. You fell asleep bundled up in all the blankets on your bed, arm outstretched to the opposite side the bed, almost as if you were reaching for something that wasn’t there. 

After some time had passed, you’re not sure exactly how much, you were awoken by a thud coming from your bathroom. You lazily rubbed your eyes and grabbed your alarm clock to check the time. 3:47 am. Yeah, that’s definitely Miguel in there. You dragged yourself out of bed to help him out, throwing one of this hoodies over your tank top for extra warmth. You also liked how it still smelled like him after three times in the wash. You opened the door, eyes squinting from the bright fluorescent light. And there he was. You found it endearing. How Miguel was trying, and failing, to reach this massive scratch on his back to clean it instead of just waking you up to ask for your help. You look to the floor to find a bottle of hydrogen peroxide sitting there on the rug, probably what caused the thudding sound. You stood there leaning in the doorframe, waiting for him to notice you, even though he probably already heard every step you’ve taken from the bed up to the door now. “You need any help there?” you ask him, jokingly. You had seen him in much worse conditions, so you took moments like these to be more comedic, an attempt to lighten his mood sort of. It didn’t usually work. “No, I got it. Please go back to sleep,” he said, still attempting to wrap his arms around himself. You rolled your eyes and walked over to sit behind him, picking up the hydrogen peroxide off the floor and grabbing a couple of cotton balls from the first aid basket. “Mi amor, please go back to sleep, I promise I can do this by myself,” he argued. Before he could get another word in, you poured some of the hydrogen peroxide over his wound. He groaned in response and squeezed your thigh to help level out the pain. “That’s for worrying me all night,” you said to him, just over the volume of a whisper. As you began to dab the blood off of his cut, he responded. “You know I don’t want you to worry.” Once you could see he was turning his head around to look at you, you turned your eyes away. You didn’t really want to look at him right now. It’s not that you were mad at him. Ok that’s a lie, you were a little mad. But it was more of a helplessness you felt when you would see him like this. Beat up, cut, scratched, bruised. And there wasn’t anything you could do to help. Not until after at least. And it wasn’t like you were a trained nurse or anything. You dreaded the day that he would come stumbling through the window, too injured for you to take care of yourself. Or worse. The day he wouldn’t come home at all. “Yeah, well that doesn’t mean I don’t,” you said sort of coldly. You stood up from your position, waiting to patch up his back until after he showered. You changed your positions to sit from behind him to in front, ready to take care of his front side now. “I don’t want to talk about that right now tho-.” You cut yourself off when you finally saw his face

Cuts were scattered across his face, one above his eyebrow still dripping blood catching your attention first. He also had a bruise quickly forming on his left cheekbone. Once you moved your eyes more, you saw his nose marked with a deep cut going through the middle. His beautiful nose. It was one of your favorite parts of his appearance. Done scanning his face, your eyes moved down to his chest and his torso. His chest was marked with similar cuts to the one on his back. You kept your eyes on his chest in an attempt to hide the fact you were holding back tears right now. “I’m sorry mi cariño. I really am.” You knew he was. But sorry wasn’t going to keep him safe. This was one apology among many. It didn’t really matter. He wasn’t sorry for getting hurt again and again and again. He was sorry for the fact you had to see him like this. If you wouldn’t have seen that he was injured, he wouldn’t have said anything And you knew after this apology as well, he would go out tomorrow night and do the same thing over again. You didn’t respond to his words. All you could manage to do was pull him into an embrace and apologize when he winced from your hands hitting his cuts. You sat there for a bit, running your hands through his hair and trying to hold yourself back from crying. He nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck and planted gentle kisses there, each a little apology from him. Once you finally pulled away and wiped your face, you started to clean the scrapes on his face, this time more gentle than his back. You dabbed the cotton ball on his forehead as he held you straddled on his lap. He admired your features as you concentrated on him, rubbing your back with his fingers in the process. You didn’t say much, only a simple “sorry” if you were a little too rough with cleaning. Despite the stern face you were putting on, Miguel knew you secretly liked the way he would grab at your thighs and hips with his claws when you did something that hurt.

Once you were finished, you silently put the first aid equipment away and left the bathroom so he could take a shower. He planted a soft kiss into your forehead before you left the room. Once you crawled back into bed, you sighed to yourself. How did you end up here anyways? There’s no way you were expecting all of this when you first saw Miguel at the concert bar that day. Some days were amazing with him. Others were much harder. And while you’ve definitely had worse days with him, today was leaning on the latter option. You contemplated all of this until you heard the door to the bathroom behind you open, Miguel stepping out of the steaming room with his towel wrapped around his lower body. You were very quickly reminded of one of the reasons you’ve stayed with him for so long. The way his wet curls were laying around his head. How his chest glistened while it was damp, despite currently being tattered with cuts at the current moment. He sleepily shuffled over to the bed, dropping his towel before crawling up close to you in bed. The warmth of Miguel’s freshly showered body against yours helped to melt the majority of your worries away. It also helped that you could feel his his cock getting harder against your leg while he cuddled against you. You finally turned around to face him, cupping his jaw in your hand and rubbing your thumb across his face. He grasped your hand and pressed soft kisses into it. “I love you so much Miggy,” you finally said, breaking the silence and drawing his eyes towards you. “I really do, and I’m sorry if I ever make it seem like I don’t. You just…you scare me sometimes.” You quickly realize those weren’t the words you meant. You begin to stutter and take back your words a bit, until you see that Miguel has given you his full attention. You take a deep breath and continue. “You don’t scare me. It’s more of what you do that scares me. I never know when you’re gonna come back or if you even are. If you think I take joy in taking care of you after you come back, I really don’t. I hate seeing my boy like this. And it makes me scared that one day you’re gonna come back in a shape I can’t fix. It scares me so bad Miggy you don’t even know,” you say, choking back your tears. Once Miguel notices you’re about to start crying, he wraps his arms around you immediately. “Shhh it’s ok preciosa,” he comforts as you quietly cry into his broad shoulders. “I’m so sorry for making you worry,” he says in between kissing the top of your head. “I promise I’ll make it up to you, and I love you too.” 

You pull away from his hug and stare into his beautiful crimson eyes as he wipes away your tears. You suddenly fall into the overwhelming urge to kiss him. He returns the kiss with even more passion than you put into it. You quickly found yourself exploring his body with your hands, moans escaping his lips whenever you would graze over one of his wounds. You drew yourself closer to him to absorb more of his body heat, though you were quickly reminded of his bare cock as you could feel it hardening on your leg. Your hands eventually made it down there, teasing Miguel along the way as you felt him up on the way down. You then took his hard, already wet cock into your hands, caressing every ridge you could find on it. You could hear more moans exit his mouth and slide into yours as you handled him like putty. He would let out messier sounds, even a growl at one point, and jerk forward into your hand when you would tease around his tip. “F-fuck baby. Y-you’re s-so good to me. ‘N pr-retty too,” he would blurb out Feeling his cock get increasingly hard in your hand began to make you slightly wet as well. This only increased as Miguel began to take off your underwear as well, sliding two of his fingers into your pussy and placing his thumb to draw circles onto your clit. Your grip on his length becomes lazy and sloppy as you’re stimulated as well. You’re surprised at how quickly Miguel is able to find your clit, but then again you expect him to know your body so well after three years. After both of you have been at it for a while, you’re the first one to get close to your orgasm. “Fuck M-Miggy, I-I’m gonna cum,” you manage to moan out. His kisses on you get sloppy as he reaches his as well. It’s over for you once he begins to put more pressure onto your core. You let out an inhuman noise as your stomach fills with the white heat of your orgasm, shaking your entire body. Miguel takes his fingers out of your entrance and licks your cum off of his fingers. It’s then over for him when you eventually put the pressure of your fingers onto his cock. You hand is then covered in his cum once he reaches his climax in your fist, moaning intensely into the air. While he’s in the middle of his orgasm, his claws pop out of his fingers and into your hips and underneath your thigh where his hands are placed. Then, he lets out his fangs and uses them to leave hickeys into your neck, making sure not to let out any of his poison while doing so. “Just stay here with me Miggy,” you sigh out, his fangs deep into your neck. “You don’t ever need to go back out there again. Just stay here with me forever.” He simply nods at first, still sucking into your neck. Once he lets go and and begins to calm down, he responds with “Forever and always mi corazón,” whispering the words into your ear as he lays more kisses along your collarbone and neck.

You stare outside the window at the falling snow, hoping this time he’ll keep his word, but knowing deep down that he wasn’t going to. But for now, you could just appreciate your time with him now. He was all yours right now. Everything. And that was enough.

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A/N: uhhhh sorry but i didn't feel like proofreading this cause its super late for me rn sorry not sorry lmao

[theelmoarchive]

Sanders Sides theory (rant). I know im mainly a mh acc here but I have thoughts i need to get out there

(just fyi this theory is Roman centric, I know most TSS people nowadays are talking ab Orange and Logan so if Roman's not interesting then continue on 🔥🔥)

(Also slight TW, talking ab the sides "ducking out" and depression themes, so yeah👍👍)

Okay so. I was scrolling through Sanders Sides theories and found that no one seems to have this theory, even though I thought the Roman angst enjoyers like me would be writing this all over the place but. Ig that means I need to talk about it.

I've had this theory for years now, since the day I first watched SVS Redux.

I think Roman is going to duck out.

I dont know if I have to explain why but. I mean, just looking at the explosive end SVS Redux had will tell you a lot.

He doesn't belive Patton when he tells him they love him. He thinks Thomas has lost all faith in him in favor of the person Roman views as the epitome of evil. He's been switching views left and right to stay on Patton's side (because Thomas prides himself on his morals), but he always ends up doing something wrong - he always ends up as an antagonist. He no longer believes that he is the one thing that being has kept him stable since "Am I Original?" - Thomas' hero. The only side he has a stable and positive relationship with is VIRGIL of all people. And tbh that could quickly be ruined too. Logan is second, though, but that's EXTREMELY fragile, as we've seen.

Roman always does something wrong and it will and has sent him over the edge. From Roman's perspective, with a very flawed view of everyone around him, he is inherently the thing that flaws Thomas.

+ Roman is really dramatic obviously, so ofc he would do this.

When you look at Virgil's reasonings for ducking out, it seems plausible after everything Roman has gone through recently, too. I mean like:

"I quit. Decided it wasn't worth it anymore"

Why would Roman keep fighting a battle he knows he will never win?

"Well, It didn’t seemed like I was wanted. You all made that pretty clear any time I showed up."

Again, from Roman's perspective, he is constantly and consistently antagonized.

"If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would've shown up I would've shown up in person like I usually do."

[same thing]

"I actually think you were right to not want me around."

Roman fears that he is becoming the villain (as we see in SVS, SVS Redux and DWIT).

(In fact, Roman has already said something quite similar to that last one in sentiment.

In SVS Redux, Roman says this, which is pretty funny because of the dramatics and the stupidity, and does get shot down quickly, but I am begging you to listen to him.

"The blame falls to me. If you're missing that do-gooder drive... I think It's because I'm in the driver seat... And I'm an awful driver... Perhaps... Perhaps I should let Patton take the wheel.")

(2nd sidenote to the Virgil quotes, can we talk ab Thomas' acting again I just love how tired Virgil is in AA. He's so. Troubled. I love him.)

WAIT ALSO I FORGOT TO ADD THIS UNTIL I WAS AB TO POST IT-

"I've always aimed to protect you,"

THIS!! First of all his face makes me so sad BUT SECOND OF ALL yeah. Roman core idk what else to say, you get it right.

"I thought I was your hero."

So yeah.

Anyway, I think the episode where Roman does this will be centered around depression. Without Roman, Thomas is depressed. Let me explain this further.

Roman is Thomas' creativity, imagination, ego, passion, love, wills and wants, hopes and dreams, aspirations and enthusiasm.

Without any of that, what is left? A guy who can't even will himself out of bed, but can still feel the nagging voice of reason and logic telling him how unreasonable he's being. A guy who cant will himself to talk to friends, family and loved ones, but can still feel sorrow for letting them down and worrying them. A guy who can't will himself to pursue creative content that he relies on for a living but can still feel anxious about letting millions of people down and never being able to create again. A guy who cant even make food for himself or brush his teeth, but still knows he NEEDS to take care of himself. A guy whose only creativity is activly trying to disturb and scare him.

So yeah thats really awesome idk.

Furthermore, I think the sides might be SEVERELY impacted.

It has been said many times over the series that the sides are purely figments of Thomas' IMAGINATION. so. Without Roman, I doubt anything would be left. Obviously, if Roman does duck out, I don’t think they'd all immediately just cease to exist because an episode still needs to occur, but I find it likely that they'd all start slowly fading or maybe even "malfunctioning", glitching, putting them on a timer to get back Roman and making it far more tense.

Is this theory weird?????? I feel like it's the natural progression TO ME but I've seen no one even getting near this and im just confused ghfhfhfh. Maybe it is kind of weird and im just too much of a Roman enthusiast. SORRY I LOVE ANNOYING WEIRDO FREAKS!!!! AND IF I WAS HIM ID DUCK OUT TOO BECAUSE NO ONE IS APPRECIATING HIM ☹️☹️☹️ EVEN THOUGH HE'S LITERALLY WHAT MAKES THOMAS DO THINGS. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Anyway.

I also think it fits really well because of Prinxiety's parallels, such as:

(using the ship name just as a duo name because that's what I usually do I am not trying to push the prinxiety agenda although I am a fan of it ghfyfgfh)

"Thanks everyone... Well, almost everyone."

And

"I mean, it's cool to see you all trying to be helpful. Well most if you, but-"

The only difference in these two is obviously that Virgil just silently ducks out, while Roman has the entire "You make us better" speech, probably effectivly saving Virgil and Thomas, because it seems like Virgil was going to insist.

(Also another sidenote that I think everyone will agree with: WE NEED A "YOU MAKE US BETTER" SPEECH BY VIRGIL FOR ROMAN that is all)

Also. Who can forget.

Virgil saying that he tried to "duck out" and then

"That's a thing you can do?"

😐

Do you understand what I'm saying. Do you. Huh.

Okay anyway.

Idk how to end this I feel like theres still more I wanna say but i forgot. In conclusion: prin up that xiety. Reminder that FWSA was real and not a fever dream. I lied this is actually prinxiety propaganda.

But Hey That's Just A Theory. A really quite depressing and sad theory. Thanks for tumbling down a hill with me 🫶

[blommp717]

could you maybe explain the whole "dropping the desire" thing a bit more closely? cus idk but whenever i hear people saying to drop the desire, it makes me feel like i have to give up everything i "want" and accept this shitty life i have. like i just don't understand. what do i even do when i have nothing to "manifest"? when i have desires, i can tell myself that everything's okay because im gonna be outta here soon (and living my best life having all my desires) but with nd, i don't quite get what the "end goal" is. hope this doesn't sound stupid, it's just that i've been in the manifestation community since 2016 now, having desires every single day and looking forward to finally manifesting them (which never happened btw), so suddenly just dropping them feels so strange to me. it's already so late where i live and i'm tired so this probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but i still hope you can tell what i'm trying to ask😵‍💫

Hello there 🫶☀️🪷 don’t ever feel bad for

Alrighty I can feel that this is gonna be a longer answer so I hope you’re ready.

Firstly, believe me or not but I know exactly what you’re going through, I’m sure allot of people do.

So firstly let’s this out of the way, why do I keep saying there is no manifestation? To understand that, we also have to understand ND. Let’s break it down first from what ND is and what it states, then you’ll automatically get the answer to why manifesting is not real and the reality of the situation is 100x better in my opinion.

Nonduality is the understanding that there is, well, no duality, no separation in any of “this”. Everything is included in this, thoughts, ideas, the world, people, feelings, events, food, cars, money, desire, you, sense of self, all of it. All of existence is just one, all the same. And this is what you are, dissolving labels and everything, we can realize there is no point where you end and the entire universe begins. Without labels, nothing is named, nothing is decided as yes or no or good or bad, it all just is, a nameless is-ness. You are this infinite presence, nameless, timeless, formless, appearing as everything. No-thing appearing as something. A hollow appearance at that but regardless, an appearance.

And if you are everything, if it’s all just one, and this is what we are, then everything is just what we appear as. So the realization of “$100” is the experience of it. There is nothing to do, there is nothing to achieve because it’s all you and the realization or awareness of this idea is the experience. It doesn’t matter how you feel so you can cry, get mad and do whatever you want because it doesn’t change the nature of what you are, this “ “ nameless thing you are remains untouched. There’s no worrying about the what ifs or time delays because again, this is what you appear as by realizing it.

You say your “manifestation” never happened, and I think it’s time to be clear with yourself (as I have done this many times before). Are you affirming and visualizing to change or get something, or as a means to remind yourself of what is yours. And affirmation does not get you anything, it’s what it means to you in terms of identity that matters.

I could look at a rock and rub it 3 times, and because to me it means I’m going to get a free coffee, it’s instantly true.

You can make anything mean you have what you want, you don’t just make the rules your are the rules. This whole idea of dropping is also just a way for people to not worry about their desire. Personally I do what I want. I’m everything, If I feel like thinking about it cus it makes me happy I will, but if I’m thinking about it in a “I need to affirm to get this” kind of way, ima just stop, remember that this is not a technique but a reminder of what naturally we exist as.

You never have to give up on what you like because this life is meant to be cherished and enjoyed.

There’s no reason to live a life that makes you unhappy, your literally god, god is all, you are everything. You. Got. This. Don’t make it a process, don’t make it a journey, and most definitely don’t thing ND is a technique to manifest. There is no manifesting, only being, so this isn’t something you turn off and on. I hope this helped, I myself have been pretty sleepy so I hope this made sense 😭🤭🫶☀️🪷🌚🌝

[yangbbokari]

hiii, im back again!! I’m totally inlove with your part 2 of the bet !! I just thought of another angst (I know sorry 😭) but what about stray kids pushing reader away, avoiding them at all costs because of something (idk😭) and reader thought the wrong idea and started to overthink but reader ended up going on a walk but ran into a friend and started to talk to them, not noticing the time, the sun setting, And their phone blowing up with miss calls and messages from their lover. They totally forgot about everything. Then reader finally heads home after their friend telling them they have to go and once they walk in they see their worried/sobbing significant other.

- 🧈

sry that this took so long anon😭I've just been real lazy as always

Needed Space

Pairing: Han Jisung x gn!reader Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/comfort Warnings: Yelling, crying, language, i think that's it Summary: You give Han the space he wanted so badly and he grows worried. A.N.: Hehe 🧈 anon…. I got lazy again as u can see but I’m finally done😭

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was the week of the comeback so you knew it’d be busier and Han would be more stressed. But even so, you didn’t expect him to distance himself this far.

It got to the point where only a few words were exchanged and you only saw him about twice a week.

One day, Han decided to take a quick break. It wasn’t really a break since he was still working on different pieces of music, but at least he got to stay at home.

“Hey… Hannie? Have you had something to eat yet?” You timidly asked as you stepped into the room. “Hi, baby. I’ll eat in a bit. Just let me finish this real quick.” You softly sigh, walking up to him and made him look at you. “You already said that hours ago. You need some food in your system to finish your work.”

He shoved you away, nearly knocking you off you’re feet. “Look. I already told you I’ll eat later! I don’t have time to humor you so just leave me the fuck alone.” Your boyfriend didn’t even spare you another look before returning to his work.

You could only nod your head slowly. You slipped out of the room and grabbed your things. You knew he was just stressed but you couldn’t help the tears that pricked your eyes.

You thought about tell Han that you’d be out for a minute, but he did tell you to leave him alone. So you just left the house. ~~~ You didn’t even notice the amount of time that had passed until the sun began to set. Your phone had died a while back but you wanted to spend a bit more time by yourself.

Seeing the sun set, you knew it was time to finally return home. You hoped that Han would have cooled down down by the time you got back.

You didn’t really want to return to an angry Han so you trudged your way home. The pebbles and leaves seemed so much more interesting all of a sudden.

There was still a good distance between you and your home when you heard someone running towards you. Your terrified eyes quickly softened when a very disheveled Han stopped in front of you.

He wrapped his arms around you and cried into your shoulder. Pushing you away a bit roughly, checking your sides to make sure you weren’t injured.

“Wh-where were you? I got so scared.” He asked, still worried.

Your eyes held the softest comfort in you for him. “I was just at the corner cafe, baby.”

“We’re you going to leave me? I saw that all your most important assets were gone and I began to think that I finally scared you away for good.” He threaded his fingers through his hair rapidly before continuing to ramble to you. “I didn’t mean to yell at you, sweetheart. I was just so so stressed and frustrated. I know that’s no excuse to treat you the way I did. But I’m just trying to explain to you because… because… because I’m scared you’ll leave me and I just really want you to stay by my side.”

“Hannie…”

“Please don’t leave me…”

“Hannie…”

“I’ll do anything.”

“Hannieeee….”

“You mean everything to me and I really don’t want to lose you.”

“Hannie!!”

He slightly jumped as his eyes met yours. “Y-yes?”

“You’re rambling again. It’s fine. I know you were stressed and that’s why I gave you the space to calm down. You mean a lot to me and I wouldn’t risk losing you over a small argument.”

Han let out a breath of relief with a smile before hugging you. “Thank you for forgiving me. I’m so sorry. I can’t promise but I’ll try to be better for you.”

The two of you walked back home together. You were glad that he was by your side and so was he.

[ehh-is-the-name]

Watching ii-17 right before bed was a mistake

So gang I'm crying.

You know the drill, bad spoilers under the cut.

Im gonna try to go in order..? Maybe I don't know. I'm so serious when I say I've lost the will to live. They pulled the plug and it's all gone. Show's over.

I'll try to relight my inner flame and have more energy as I go through the ep piece by piece, but please understand I am literally crying while I write all this.

Starting strong

Knife just doing what we wish we could </3

This is gonna be Cobs and Mephone centric- ok. You already know I'm a Meeple head and this actually is gonna torment me forever and ever and things are never going to be ok ever again, I can't belive this is actually the end guys I'm spiralling hel-

Did I ever say how much I hate this cob of corn?

I don't even have the energy to explain the parallels here, if you've been watching you get it. You know how this corn shucker is. The "Don't talk to them like that" being a response 'cause that's how he's always been talked down to.... the generational abuse did stop at this ep I guess. Not how we wanted tho.

Actually heartbreaking- like that whole thing. I'm glad he got out of the closet and tried to help but... I'm so sorry y'all all I see is the grass field with him sitting in it and I can;t stop thinking about it. He can't go back. He can't- It's supposed to get better for him. things are supposed ot be ok. they were all supposed to be fine I don't know why it's like this I cna't belive this is how it's ending. I know there might be more but also the possibility there;s not is overwhelming I don't i cant-

IS THE PHENOMES A SLUR FOR THE SHIMMERS???

I got into convo with a friend over this, but think about it. Cobs is literally known as their oppressor, and "the phenomes" is "what he always calls them", even though they so clearly go by the shimmers, and he DEFINITELY knows that by now.

Same friend I was arguing with was telling me that:

The word “phenom” means something/someone with a really talented skill. Perhaps this slur means something like real useful tool or something

Which, if their name to Cobs is specifically about being a tool of his then... idk man. Sounds kinda derogatory to me! Though I think anything this cob of corn says sounds derogatory to me. I keep trying to not just be a cob hater, but guys I think I'm a little justified in blind hatred now. I mean come on-

He litterally does this, and then practically begs Mephone to scream and cry and explode and-

Like is that not evil behaviour? Is that not behaviour justifying this reaction?

When I say this show makes me crazy- AOUGHGh.

On a different note before I get into the ending. I was telling this friend that like... just look at this frame

Like he actually looks insane. Like think about it y'all. Years poured into this and he's laughing to himself as he tries to make two "fake" people fight to the death. His glasses are broken, he's up on some abraham lincoln ass booth watching this all go down with a crazed smile. This man has gone inanimate insane. Inanimate insanity has made this man insane.

.

...

.

I would also like to say before I get into the next part, I have such a visceral reaction to this because mephone is was my hope (cringe and sad I know), but quite literally me but with mephone himself

He gave me hope for a future but I fucking guess not </3

The fear in Mephone's eyes as Cobs just so plainly says to come along, like everything wasn't just shattered.

I've seen people say it's like a kid being told to pack it up and start heading home, but it's more than that. God. Please tell me you see it's more than that. This guy ran away from a terrible situation, tried to cope with the trauma (not in a healthy way but still tried) and his abuser's bringing him right back home.

Just... Just look at him in the gif, that's not just "some kid being sad" there's more to that. This whole interaction solidifies the fact there's nowhere safe for him. Even in the world he made, nothing- Nothing could stop his abuser from reaching him. He couldn't run far enough, he couldn't hide well enough. He just has to accept his fate. He has to go "home", even though his was destroyed.

I don't know how to stay hopeful after this episode, but I'll try to stay alive just for the chance of an act 3 or epilogue or something. It's 4 am as I type this. I started this ep at 12:30 am. This show has proved to be the reigning champion of my mental spiralling. I beg this phone can leave but.... you know how it is-

and ironically enough the ad that I got on this episode...

Anyway,

Closing thoughts: Can't believe Adam, Justin, and Brian are fake, and homophobic for killing off most of the bright light polycule. I mean, that's just classic bury your gays trope right there and smh. Thought they'd do better. Gonna go fall off a waterfall Airy-style since we just can't help having hfjone parallels now. Night, everyone.

[bluedeedeedoop]

My Thoughts on Tales of the Empire; mostly Barriss (spoilers ahead!)

Ah hello all, i have had some days or so to think since watching the show and to say it has completely wiped me of my life force would be... pretty accurate tbh. BUT I HAVE FINALLY DECIDED TO POST MY THOUGHTS. will this cover my entire though process that im sTill working through? PROBABLY NOT! my thoughts are very unorganized and very unstable! ANYWAAAAYS.

Now I just gotta say overall, the show itself definitely passed the test. To be completely honest, i wasn't really paying attention to the Morgan parts as i was the Barriss parts, since it was literally what I was looking forward to this entire time.

Though I will say that the first Morgan episode was pretty neat! it was crazy seeing that perspective of the Nightsisters again and god did they make Grievous fucking terrifying. Honestly, bravo to them, it was amazing. I diiiiid end up just.. kinda spacing out the rest of it tho unfortunately cuz i just wanted to see barriss..

Visuals 10000/10. stunning, amazing, phenomenal, gahdamn. the animation was so smooth and fluid and uGHH it was amazing throughout the entire show. Acting amazing as always. BUT GOD I CANT GET OVER HOW AMAZING THE ANIMATION WAS.

NOW.

In my opinion, they got her character pretty on the dot. I am SO glad they did. I was rlly rlly worried they were totally butcher her character and make her unrecognizable to all of us but oml they didn't completely disappoint us, she has her morals, SHES STILL A HEALER! Im so happy from that.

Now although i did enjoy it, i do have my own little complaints.

Now okay one i noticed since the trailer and has REALLY been bugging me; where are her hand tattoos??? idk i guess i just wasn't expecting them to just be gone?? they couldn't have just forgotten them.. right? I dunno, but unless someone has a genuine answer for that, imma just keep drawing them on her in the future.

??????

Alright another thing i've been seeing ppl post about is how come she looked so old at the end? I am also confused on that and i've seen multiple theories. She should only be like 30-35 max right?? Because i'm assuming the last episode took place a the time in Rebels where the inquisitors were after the force sensitive children, and Ahsoka was around that age a the time, so why is Barriss any different?

I suppose the one i think makes the most sense is the force healing? I guess it could take a toll on her over the years causing her to look more aged, but still, i'd really prefer an explanation. Also what happened to her hair coverings?? Is that not her culture?? I dunno, again, i really need an explanation. I suppose that maybe her perspective has changed since trying to come to terms with her new life, and her ditching the coverings is a way to free herself from her past? Honestly i have no clue but i just need a lot of things answered.

That's mostly my complaints on it! I just felt things weren't explained enough but to be fair, they only gave her like 3 15-ish min episodes?? I really think they got some explaining to do. Which brings me to my next points.

I'm like... 98% sure that the "old friend" is Ahsoka that she was talking about. Who else would it be?? Like cmon. And if it is Ahsoka, why did we not get to see anything about the moment of confrontation? or at least more of a mention? I guess they wouldn't rlly wanna rush that scene, and tbh, im glad they didn't. It's not some "we talk for 5 min and everything is fine" type of situation. it'll take time. time to rebuild that trust. time to discuss. YEAH. I've heard many people state how it would be more likely and realistic to see a novelization of that and i agree. I would want it to take time, showing the build of the relationship over time, going on further into the story as we watch their strong bond mend from the trauma it's faced. I'm not saying this as a crazed Barrissoka shipper, i mean it that I would genuinely want to see how that confrontation is handled, as do many others and not just as a ship!! It's been a decade! the fans wanna know!

And my last point.

I.believe.Barriss.is.alive.

The more i rewatch it, the more i believe it. the first time around i had my doubts, but something tells me they are NOT done with her character. At least before the stabbing scene anyway. There's too much stuff that's left unanswered for it to just end that way! I dunno man, but Lyn's "i'm going to get you out of here" sounded way too determined for a "im going to move your body out of here" type of thing yk? maybe she could sense she was still alive, just barely hanging in there? I don't think they are done with Barriss Offee, and I wont think so unless we see her corpse being fucking BURIED. Not to mention the UNGODLY amount of parallels of that scene along with them exiting the cave. I've already seen so many point it out. Post-Vader and Ahsoka fight on Malachor?? Back when we all thought Ahsoka may or may not be dead?? sounds familiar hello?? Also a parallel from earlier in the show itself when Barriss saves that unnamed jedi! she HEALS them when they were going to be left there. Something tells me the same fate may happen to Barriss. Idk call me crazy but i will say it again, i don't think they are done with her story.

Thank you for reading my very unorganized thoughts! this has taken me longer to write than expected because i did not predict this to make me have to step away from making SEVERAL times- but yeah! lmk what yall think! and yes you can be expecting some art here and there! i know i've been slacking- Also lmk if u want me to post my crazed Barrissoka thoughts! because aHa i have them. i have them a lot. send help.

ALSO KEVIN KINER I GOT MY EYE ON YOU. BRO NEEDS TO RELEASE THE SOUNDTRACK BEFORE I DIE.

[kholnt]

Welcome to the fandom! I'm very curious to see what type of lu fan you are, as it's always great to see the diversity of people that enjoy any given thing.

I saw you're a fan of Wild, and you've read some fics and such, are there any that you'd recommend to someone that wants to get to know a bit more of his character? I'm biased to Legend, as he's easier for me to draw, but I've been wanting to dive deeper into the personalities of the others in the chain, particularly Wild, as he's set up for a lot of character growth in the og comic.

And as an offering, here's a sleepy Wild and a happy doggo! (My pen died while I was drawing, and it's not clear, but he's holding a pillow)

WAHHH SILLY GUY!!! I LOVE!! HEEMS SO!! as for me, (in general when it comes to fandoms) i tend to post art and that's usually what i do publicly. or respond to stuff that i'm sent by friends. in REALITY however i am very much a brainstormer. the amt of ideas rattling in my head at any given time is CRAZY. i dont tend to post my in depth ideas because like. its too hard to explain man. me n @/eponatheestallion have made an entire au with arcs n character development in the past two days bc i asked a silly question idk if thats the kind of answer you wanted but yk !! as for fics!! gods ive read like. ~300 fics in the past *checks watch* 17 days (holy shit i have a problem what the fuck) so lets see what i can recommend specifically bc you bet i dont remember allat!! spider meet fly/fly meet spider - totk swap au from wilds perspective!! (not lu but still really good :)) ) the worldbuilding is,,, mwah things that go unnoticed about hyrule - this entire series of oneshots eats but this one is probably my favorite. hyrule & wild bonding but in the You Get It way

it's me wild! find me in the future! - wild stays for totk and the chain goes through the stages of grief live. i just??? enjoy the characterization for this???? everything that didn’t kill me - basically a 50 things that wild told the chain how he got his scars. this one is here for the whimsy. while reading i literally went "I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND" bc of some of the things listed also happened to me while playing botw. this one isnt serious in the slightest only the wild ones - the chain meet wild at various stages in his life. big brother twilight baybeeee mixing our history into our batter - aurora and wild bake together. this one just made me happy dude idk its just full of whimsy and silliness from castle town to ordon - wild is socially anxious, rich, and a menace, more at eleven i'm a riddle in nine syllables - the chain are ghosts that help wild on his adventure. i read this one real recently and i!!!! yk?

im sure theres more but like. this is me quickly(ish) scrolling through my history and pointing out the ones i distinctly remember enjoying and arent the other two fics i already reccomended

[ipatrichor]

dead boy detectives episode eight thoughts

oh my god we're here... the finale... god i have so many thoughts with this. im gonna try to keep things slightly organized and do a little wrap-up at the end but. we'll see!

moved spoilery stuff under the cut haha. but also technically everything is a spoiler? so it's just all under the read more 👍

first of all... niko my love my heart. i've moved past the shock i'm just sad now... my girl!!! i hate being right sometimes like... god she was so kind and she tried so hard and and. huauaauaghh i don't have the words for this just know im absolutely gutted 😭😭

and crystal... god i love the way they did her memories and i love that she was an asshole, but also she was a neglected kid with parents who didn't even notice when she went missing!! god. it sure does explain some things huh... idk i love the way she reacted, how scared she was of the person she used to be. but ultimately, of course, the only way she can go is forward. the only thing she can do is live with who she used to be and choose who she wants to be going forward, and she won't be doing those things alone

JENNY IM SO GLAD JENNY CAME TO ENGLAND WITH THEM. it sucks that her shop got exploded but also i think it'll be good for her, to get a fresh start somewhere else after the shit she's been through. i'm glad she's staying with the group i care her ^^

monty helping save them... alright man. you're on thin ice but you're at least back on the ice instead of falling right through so. you have earned a little bit of my respect back and im sorry that you were bound to such a shitty witch 👍

ALSO HEY SPEAKING OF EDWIN'S LOVE INTERESTS. can we talk about the gorgeous animation for the cat king's story????? HELLO that was beautiful and so impressive!!! it really transported me into the story being told and it looked so classic disney which made a wonderful juxtaposition with what was happening. i love that so much!!!!!

esther... god what do i say about esther. her acting is phenomenal, she's so well written to be funny and absolutely terrifying, i love her story and i love the way it was resolved. i absolutely LOVE that she wasn't beaten by the gang overpowering her, it was karmic. it was the retribution for the lives she's taken, all the little girls she's killed for her own selfishness, and their retribution comes to claim her. who gets justice for them, indeed

OKAY can i just say. i am absolutely thrilled with how the lilith thing went down i didn't even think they would use the image of her in esther's memories to contact her!!! i hoped she would be involved somehow, would right the wrongs that had been done to those little girls, but i did not expect it to be this amazing!!!! god i love that they put those pieces into the show so early, so we were able to guess that they'd come together and then they DO in such an amazing way!!!

and once again niko saves the day by being genuine and talking to people... god i love her so much. she learned the exact information they needed for this fight episodes ago, by talking to the woman near the beach because she likes talking to people and learning things!!!! niko sasaki the woman that you were.... god the fact that it's were instead of are. im gonna fucking cry

and the ending!!! they aren't on the run anymore it's been recognized that they're doing good so they're allowed to keep doing it and helping people!!!!! GODDD that makes me so happy i love that so much!!!!!!

ALSO I WILL SAY. when the superior didn't give them her name and then said the thing that tragic mick (finally learned his name!) told niko before she died... im not gonna lie my first thought was that she Was niko like somehow after dying she ended up in the afterlife outside of time or whatever. i don't think that's true i think it's just the theme of the show and that's why they said it twice but. for a minute i was like HELLO???

but the very ending scene!!! niko and the sprites? i think? idk im really bad with faces and recognize people through their hair so. did not help that they were dressed sensibly for the weather and their hair wasn't showing haha. BUT STILL. was that her afterlife? why are the sprites there?? what does that scene Mean is there still a chance for her to meet the group again??? please i need answers you can't just leave me hanging about my girl!!!!!! 😭😭

god this whole show has been amazing i'm so glad i watched it... thank you noble for introducing me to dead boy detectives!! i have had such a good time, it's been an emotional rollercoaster and i'm so sad it's over. i'm off to the tumblr search to reblog whatever i find and then it's to ao3 for me, with noble's profile as a starting point and then i'll scour the tags haha. thank you guys for coming along with me on this lovely experience! i'm doing a little wrap-up summary below to end things off

FAVORITE MAIN CHARACTER: god this is so difficult.... it's gotta be niko or charles, but know that i say this with the other two very close behind. they're all fantastic, it's rare that even when i imprint on a character (in this case charles) the others are all so good that it's still hard to pick a clear favorite, with niko even rivalling that imprint

FAVORITE RECURRING SIDE CHARACTER: jenny it's gotta be jenny!! i love her scenes i love her personality she's so fun i love how no-nonsense she is only to consistently be dragged into the Most Nonsense. she's a delight i love her and her proficiency with knives

FAVORITE ONE-OFF CHARACTER: kashi!!! fish guy!! he is such a goddamn delight he is the first character whose name i learned On Purpose instead of through the natural course of the show. i love him he showed up for one episode, performed his role magnificently, and swanned off to implied further fascinating adventures. love that guy

FAVORITE EPISODE: okay surprising no one ever, probably episode seven? i love what it does with the characters, i love the scene of edwin and charles meeting (well worth the wait!), i love all of it

SECOND FAVORITE EPISODE: okay this one has gotta be episode four or the jock one. five maybe? idk im torn between those two bc of the excellent charles characterization and development we get, and i've mentioned before what a soft spot i have both for the scene where he first breaks down and the scene where he and edwin hug. i love them both i cannot choose!!!

FAVORITE LOCATION: this has gotta be the dead boy detective office or maybe the inside of the fish. idk they're very different locations but they both serve their purpose very well and have a lot to offer!! oh wait shit actually i take it back the inside of crystal's mind with the tree. that's absolutely gorgeous and i love it so much

LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER: daniel. the demon ex sorry i choose not to remember his name <3 he is daniel To Me. anyway they just did a really good job of making him a shitty asshole who also happens to be a powerful demon

FINAL OPINION ON THE CAT KING: uh. i mean i still don't respect him but he's a very fun character and i do enjoy his vibe. i actually liked him a lot better when he wasn't essentially holding edwin prisoner (imagine that!) so i think the coercive nature of that original dynamic is what really threw me off. i found myself enjoying his character a lot more with the bracelet off and them interacting on even footing!

and finally, i couldn't possibly choose so here

LIST OF FAVORITE SCENES

- charles dying and meeting edwin

- charles having a breakdown at the night nurse

- every kashi scene

- crystal speaking to lilith and when she appeared to claim esther

- simon seeing the blue light and possibly leaving hell

- pretty much all of niko and edwin's one on one talks

- the conversation between niko and crystal when they first opened up to each other

- edwin telling the cat king the binding bracelet is all he is and leaving to save his friends

- charles hugging edwin after edwin comforts him

- esther killing the cat king

- charles getting stuck in the loop of the devlin murders

- niko going out into the storm to save her friends

- niko's reading comprehension skills <3

AND MANY MORE that i am forgetting but here you go ^^ goddamn this show is good. hit me like a trainwreck though i need a fucking nap

[oddvanilla]

ultrakill yaaayy :33

basic info that i am 99% sure you already know:. its a bloody and violent fast paced fps where you are a robot who went to hell for blood (blood is fuel and allat 🔥🔥) . you kill literally everything. its level based and you travel down through the layers as you go. theres multiple weapons and multiple weapon types and also 3 different arms that you can switch through really quickly to get more style points and deal more/different damage

my favorite weapons are the marksman revolver (your can throw up to 4 coins in the air and then shoot them.) and the pump charge shotgun (you can also parry the shells to make it go further which is awesome and really cool and also awesome. if you overcharge it, it blows up and can launch you really far. both good and bad depending on what situation youre in) but theres more weapons and i dont really want to explain every one, so. :3 (oh oh the screwdriver railcannon is also good cause itll hit an enemy and cause it to bleed. which heals you. hence the 'blood is fuel'.)

there's like a. score thingy and your rating for each level is determined on how fast you complete it, how many enemies you've killed, and your style points. (and i think how many times you die). all levels have a like. best score that you have to get for it to be like, S or A or whatever. P ranking is beating a level under a specific time, killing everything, and getting at least a certain amount of style. and not dying at all. its kinda. pretty hard. this is what a p rank looks like

that was for the level where you fought v2 and got the whiplash (arm that is like. uhhh. grabby thing? how do i explain it . like it pulls you towards things or things towards you depending on their weight. like a grappling hook?? idk) basically it was just a boss fight thats why the style points and kills are low. i dont have pictures of any other levels ive p ranked.. so .

anyways :3 its a really fun game. its very fast and there's always shit happening and you have to be like. always alert or else youre dead. this was not as in depth as i could have gone. and i didnt talk about the characters or like. some other stuff. if you want more explanation lmk and i will be happy to do it 🔥🔥🔥 SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG LMAO I WAS TRYING TO P RANK 6-2 AND TYPE THIS SO EVERY TIME I FAILED ID COME BACK TO THIS AND ADD MORE 😭😭

autism fueled rant over 🔥i should have added more pictures but i was scared that if i left the tab this would have been deleted. :333

First of all. This is, THE COOLEST EXPLANATION IVE SEEN EVER. I've NEVER been more interested in reading long paragraphs than right now.

Second of all, HELL YEAH!!!! FAST PACED GAMES ARE THE BEST!!! or at least for impatient people like me...

WHAT I GOT IS THAT THERE'S LIKE. DIFFERENT WEAPONS FOR DIFFERENT PURPOSES?? LIKE SOME GET YOU MORE STYLE POINTS THAN OTHERS?? IDK ABT YOU BUT MARKMANS REVOLVER SOUNDS COOL ASF!!! AND P RANKING IS LIKE,, ENDING SOMETHING IN A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME.?? I THINK THATS LIKE SPEED RUNNING A LEVEL😍 IS THAT WHY ITS CALLED ULTRAKILL?? BECAUSE YOU JUST KILL EVERYTHING?? DAMNN

Im actually curious what's the lore who are the protagonists and what are they fighting against

[blububblgum]

im not arguing with her and her gorgeous brown eyes. whatever u say beautiful.

also!!! next in my dnd series: Alicent hightower!!!! Twilight domain cleric for the church of the Seven. as per usual, details under the cut

I was pretty sure of cleric immediately, because while it is predictable, it also fits most of how alicent was raised and how she acts. The harder part was figuring out what her domain would be, because of how differently the dnd gods behave compared to the religion within westeros. If we treat the Seven as one entity (many faces to one god) then that is kinda boring because theres all of 3 "pantheons", and one of them is just one being. However if we treat them as 7 separate/ semi separate deities then they get a little bit simplistic. So im gonna use a kinda happy middle, with them being both one being and yet also separate heads (almost like a hydra, or the way the entities in the magnus archives are described). Using them this ways means that when deciding alicents domain, the aspect that she worships should go with it.

For her domain, I was really torn between order, peace, and twlight. I'll go through each as briefly as I can. The order domain is a great one for the mechanics of combat, and while I've been keeping that in mind, I don't really think alicent would be in the frontlines even in a dnd world. However, the order domain really matches the strict, rules based approach that alicent has been raised with in regards to religion and then how she behaves when she is older, and so it would make sense for her to be within this domain. Peace is a bit controversal I know!! However if you get rid of Otto's bitch ass, alicent would really be a peacemaker I think. When she is younger and not yet married, she was a soothing presence for rhaenyra, and I think she has the potential to be a peace domain. Lastly, the twilight domain, which is a little bit more disconnected from the different faces of the seven, but I think its so fun. With the twilight domain, there are the elements of peace, but it’s a little bit more in between. It’s a bit more about the transition into the darkness of night, while still staying positive and calm. As you can all tell, I decided on the twilight domain, because it retains the complexity of alicents life (and doesn't require basically removing everything to do with otto) and it isn't exclusively a combat build.

Now that we've explained her domain, I wanna talk about the faces of the seven. To say that alicent is mainly connected to the mother feels like reducing her to her relationship with the targaryan house, and how she can provide for them. However, I don't think its fair to reduce the mother (and maiden) to how active someone's sex life is, so I want to combine the aspects of her that are about peace with elements of the stranger. I know the stranger is rarely worshipped, and a bit taboo in the world of asoiaf, but ! In dnd the gods are quite different, and death is nowhere near the end for many people. Since alicent is a cleric, and a medium high level one at that (I was thinking around level 9, though I don't see her going much above level 13 idk) she has the ability to cast both revivify (resurrects people within 1 min of their death) and raise dead (resurrects people within 10 days of their death). With those powers in mind, and her domain having some depth, I think the mother and stranger are the main two that alicent prays to (and thus gains her powers from).

For the final collection of thoughts, the feat "keen mind" would go well with how well alicent remembers and thinks over everything. It gives her the ability to always know which way is north, as well as a perfect recall on events/info learnt within the past month. Which is pretty baller. If her other feat is observant (increases passive perception, and gives the ability to read lips), and she has a 20 wisdom at level nine (not unreasonable for the stat associated with your class) then her perception and insight + memory would be killer when dealing with politics. I think her stats go (highest to lowest) wisdom, intelligence, constitution, charisma, dexterity, strength. Once again i apologize for making castors have lesser physical stats but it just makes sense.

Ok thank u for reading, i'm in love with you.

[rin-and-jade]

Okay, so we've tried several times to write an ask, and each time we just..stop ?? So this time instead of explaining in detail n shit and saying how much we're sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, I'm just gonna write :/

So, we're kind of stuck, in the sense that idk if I'm/we're(both pronouns feel wrong lol) a system anymore and,wdk what to do about it.

Because basically 5-6 years ago, when we were around 10(i think, but at this point i only know the story through the "telephone" of our retellings) our brain tried to just.. get rid of most of the DID. I'm not even ducking kidding, i think it tried to lower barriers and smush most of us together, to the best of it's ability. From what I've gathered, it planned on shoving all our trauma deep down in the innerworlds, and hiding them from the main kid. Like, getting rid of thousands of fragments, banking them in little crevices of our brain etc.

That procedure was supposed to make it so the main kid could have more of their life for them- without access or even knowledge of the sheer size of the abyss and pain in background, and thus being less affected by it till they were old enough to deal with it. Idk how to explain really, especially since i myself barely understand.

In any case, it went wrong. I don't know why much, as our memory has increasingly deteriorated since to the point i have nearly no knowledge left. I'm not sure even all that ever happened, because maybe I'm just inventing stuff and creating a story were there is none, and I'm scared that what i know isn't real and just my imagination or smth

And what's left is..me i guess. I kinda feel like a fragment in the sense that i have limited consciousness and just..person-space(if that makes sense ?) I'm not sure if I'm several people, one person, an eldritch entity of kinda seperate kinda not glued together entities.

Idek what i want to be. I want to be a full person, that's for sure, but other than that ? Idk. I'm lost, I'm a mix of tons of different opinions and vague, weak, feelings, and flashes of blurry memories and desires that don't belong to me.

So.. i know you probably can't help, but do you have.. any idea on what I could do ? Or if others have been in similar situations and if it got better ?

This is a very long ask x knows, and it's desperate, and you aren't our/my psychs so I shouldn't just dump this and hope you have answers, and I'm so sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, but yeah.

I'm sorry.

Dissociative disorders do the job, but not perfectly, what you're explaining from the words of "nearly no knowledge left" sounds like retrograde amnesia, where it is near to impossible to remember anything from the past.

I also get a bit on what you mean with not knowing who you are,, that is usually close to a blurry moment? Because everything feels jumbled, its not clear, it is hard to discern wether there's multiple or not, etc. That could sound like it;

Have you been exposed to stress? Especially long term? Has anything awful been happening? Many factors can affect memory and recognizing who you are that can stem from basic needs that are neglected like sleep or rest if you're working for long periods, or deficiencies on vitamins/minerals/nutrition because they also play a part on fending off brain fog which can cause many issues like memory recall or trouble focusing,, or it can be to even deeper issues like stress as i said before, or if it is related to trauma, or any sustained physical injuries but it could be anything really.

Im guessing this is something that didn't happen in such a short time, but i do can give you some stuffs to do for starters:

Write down everything you can notice those feelings, those lingering sense of identity, or vibes, or thoughts, they are truly jumbled and it helps you organize and recognize your situation better if you have a physical record of what you're experiencing

Find the cause of problem If you can, try digging up anything you can find that could be the culprit, maybe before things get too foggy to remember that could serve as clues, and by checking with your current health (physically and mentally and emotionally) and see what could be fixed.

For sense of fulfillment It is overwhelming to know which or where you have to start from if you want to learn more of yourself, while you can do number 1 to jot down things you don't align with, this also gives you some ideas on what could be yours. Start somewhere small, like, how you like your daily morning, or preference in eating food, or the colors you think it looks cool.

It would also be great if you can leave out the tiniest bit of context next time, so my answers for now are rather vague and less pinpointed/specific. Though atleast still can suffice as a starting point to tackle your issues.

You can contact me anytime via ask box or DMs, let's see how things go for you okay?

- j

[miiilowo]

Please stop making so many good posts and points on dittophobia and the problem it causes I can only reblog so many </3 (lighthearted) (not serious) (I love your posts on it you put everything into words so well)

Ooh slightly related, since William originally started everything to put Evan back together. But then. Um. Everything. Would you say he accidentally lost sight of his original goal or stopped caring about it as everything progressed? Does he feel like he even succeeded in bringing Evan back?

Do you think William ever like, sits and thinks about all that he's done, especially springtrap I imagine, lots of time to think then. It goes a bit against him and his dialogue admittedly. But idk, there's something quietly devastating about characters thinking on their original goals after going so far , I'm a fan of it

Completely unrelated. Your William design feels like someone who goes bowling. I can't possibly explain why I feel this way about him, nor could I say with any confidence if he's good or bad at it. Just. Bowling energy. I could see him wearing a bowling shirt with great ease

I think that, if im looking at it through a perspective similar to mine (considering he's heavily NPD coded [though likely unintentionally]), it would be a mix of a little bit of everything. If evan dies first, then he kills charlie and realizes he has a taste for murder, he would use evan's death as a way to justify himself continuing to kill. If he has a goal, that he views as being The Right Thing To Do (because its what he wants), then he can deflect any thoughts of 'ouuhauhuhgbh but what if this is bad actually' that come into his head. because he has a reason to continue. and while he might be aware of that pattern of thinking, why should he stop? he's already in this far, he's already done so much, why should he stop? and over time, slowly, he would completely lose sight of that original goal for a combination of reasons. he would realize that he would never actually get his son back, based on how his experiments have gone so far, get caught up in other questions he has about remnant and possession and use Those as a crutch to continue the whole murder thing. thats generally what i imagine when i think of him 'losing the thread over time'.

as for self-reflection, from what i've seen, he's not one to admit that he's wrong exactly, or bad or lesser in any way. he's my cute little egomaniac. there may have been a few episodes where he just sort of sat there staring at the wall wondering how he got to this point, but i dont think it would ever stoop into self-hatred. he is completely irredeemable and i think he knows that and doesn't give a shit

[texasbama]

Hiya I know you're a safe space and I need to get this out, so sorry in advance 🙃.

I see how amazing canon bi buck is for the queer community and I don't mind how it happened in canon. But while I should be happy, I actually kind of feel like I'm mourning? I'm so attached to eddie, maybe unhealthily so, and the ensemble found family dynamic is what first brought me to the show. For a while it's been a struggle having the fandom basically shove buck into every spec or storyline and act like he is a perfect angel and the centre of the universe. But there was always the eddiezers and it was more balanced. But now literally EVERYBODY is all about buck and tommy. It feels like the rest of the show doesn't even exist. I know its only been a couple of days but going on social media now just makes me anxious and idk why really. I'm worried about future eddie storylines, I'm desperate for marisol to disappear, but the vibe is that now buck is bi nothing else matters, we've won apparently, who even cares about eddie or the other characters because buck kissed a man.

Also I'm sex-repulsed ace and people saying how if you don't like it you're a purist and an evangelical and homophobic and biphobic actually makes me feel like shit. I never really understood wanting two characters to have sex 'because why not', because I don't understand why anyone wants to ever lol. I can only read buddie smut in very specific scenarios and most of the time i skip even that. And the rhetoric in a lot of tumblr space recently makes me feel like a bad person for not being all for it 100%. I don't think I've explained myself well here but I tried. You don't have to reply or post this either, I just wanted to reach out to someone in fandom who won't jump down my throat for it 😅. 911 is kind of a hyperfixation of mine so even though I'm trying to stay away as much as possible so as to not make myself more upset but I have no idea what to do with myself otherwise 🫠. Thanks for reading and sorry for unloading on you

Please don’t apologize, im happy you felt like I was a safe space. Im gonna break this into two parts and I hope I can articulate myself correctly lol

1) the first few days after an episode, any episode but especially one like this, isn’t indicative of fandom as a whole. Emotions are heightened due to what happened in the episode. Everyone is screaming about something and it’s in your face ya know? This week something HUGE happened, so yes people are talking about it. It was to be expected. We must make space for people to be happy about it. It’s a beautiful thing and queer joy MUST be celebrated.

This show (for the most part) has done a beautiful job of giving each character their time to shine(some more so than others but thats a conversation for a different day). Coming off 7x04, yes the headline is Bi Buck. And it will continue to be for a while, but it’s important to remember that YOU curate your fandom experience. I don’t blame you at all for what you’re feeling, ESPECIALLY as an Eddie girlie(gn), like I get it! Trust me! I’ve had to carefully maneuver through some emotions this week myself. I’m human! But filtering and being able to step away is everything.

Being excited about the storyline and also hoping and wanting more from other storylines are two things that can be true at the same time. It’s not one or the other. Remember that.

2) im going to say this and just know the caps is because I am just passionate. I promise you, its yelling at you with love okay?

I know it is easier said than done, but don’t you EVER allow ANYONE on this fucking hellsite make you feel less than or that your asexuality is anything but 100% valid. YOU are valid, you hear me?

Okay. I had to make sure to say that first. Whew. Now. As for the fandom piece of it all, we have to remember that there levels to it. You are allowed to feel the way you feel about sex, BUT it’s also important to remember that sex positivity (and those who express it) is also a good and valid. If you feel like there are blogs that talk down to you, imply that YOU are homophobic or biphobic simply because YOU are not doing cartwheels about different sex acts, then block. Unfollow. Do whatever you need to. Those people are scum.

Listen to me *pulls you close*, this is always a safe space. You are a valid, your existence and experiences are valid. And anyone who makes you question that can fuck right off. And lastly, HAPPY ASEXUALITY DAY TO YOU SPECIFICALLY! MUAH! 💜🤍🩶🖤

[agirlwithglam]

Hey, Vanilla!💕

I'm having a problem at school. I'm already in the final stretch of this school year and I have a bit of an idea what's going on. There was this guy in my class I was with for almost a month, and it was really intense, my feelings for him. Everything seemed perfect between us, but after a few weeks, he just seemed to want to run away from me. He'd say he liked me, but then say the problem was him, and it was clear he had emotional baggage. I tried talking to him about it, but it seemed like he didn't want to fix things; he always dodged me.

I could tell you many other things that happened, but I don't want to drag it out. Okay, so we drifted apart, but I always held onto the hope he'd come back and we'd work things out (I feel silly now for thinking that back then). Then, one day, he just showed up, dating another girl (found out through a friend). I felt uneasy when I heard, like I'd been used, just another conquest for him. But, even upset, I moved on.

But then on Monday, he started attending classes again (he rarely went due to work). I can't stand his presence; being around him makes me anxious, to the point my hands shake like I'm freezing all day. Honestly, all I feel when he's near is disgust. My friend gets mad at him because she knows what he did and how he still checks me out when I'm distracted (she keeps me posted). I try to ignore it, but can't focus on my tasks.

I've only shared this with one friend because I feel like she understands me best. I'm telling you this because I want to know how to deal with this situation. Transferring schools isn't an option since I'm almost done with the year, as I mentioned earlier, and switching classrooms isn't possible either (I spend the whole afternoon in the same classroom 😭 because, in Latin America, we don't have different classrooms and materials for each subject).

I don't want to talk to him because being near him makes me nauseous, and I've already tried that when we were closer. The worst part is how calm he seems, like he's unaffected; it makes me angry, and I feel like crying – I can't explain it. Please, help me out Vanilla 😓

(Sorry for my bad English 🥹)

hi princess 💓

ok first of all, i need you to realise and understand that you deserve better. you understand? this boy obviously has some problems which are HIS. its not your job to help or save him okay? especially if he's treating you like this.

also honey, cry. just let it out. let yourself get super upset and tear up papers. embrace this part of being a girl.

and also, distract yourself. i know he's in your class and it feels like he's just in your face, as if trying to flaunt the fact that "he doesn't care", but guess what? it's none of your business! whether he cares or not, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

what you need to do is put your head down and focus on your own life. your friends, family, health, mindset, grades, career, future, YOURSELF. okay?

also one more thing, heal. maybe theres a part of you that relates or something which makes you feel so angry and emotionally intense around him. idk, im not a therapist or psychiatrist or anything but it might help to speak to a professional or search something up on a trustworthy website.

also off topic but your english? its so good i felt like i was reading a literal story/ book.

i apologise it isnt a lot to go on but i figured that it would be better for me to at least give you something bc if i left it in my drafts im afraid i may not get to it in a whiiiiiiiile.

xoxo, vanilla <3 keep shining!

[wizlizbelle3]

Hi so I’ve been wanting to enter the void for almost a year now and over the course of the past year, I’ve had many dreams where I think about the void or where I feel like im falling and everything is black and one recently where I closed my eyes and felt myself maybe getting deeper into it idk how to explain it but I opened my eyes because there were people around in the dream.

I’ve also been trying to lucid dream and have only had one dream where I attempted a reality check but since it didn’t work, the dream kept going. Another dream where I questioned how I had clothing on that I didn’t have on before. Ive also been in the hypnagogic state a handful of times and even had some success with astral projection on my first attempt. I only felt symptoms though like tingling all over my body but so far have not been successful in entering the void.

The thing is that now, Ik I can do it because I NEVER expected to have the success I mentioned but it’s hard not to get frustrated. I’m more determined now because my birthday is soon, I’m turning 20 and I can’t spend another year having no life and feeling like a disappointment to everyone around me.

Sometimes I even wonder if this is even real lol. I just want some advice if you could give me some because sometimes I feel like I’m so close and that it’s so easy but then other days it’s hard to keep that mentality up.

Sorry for answering these asks so late.

I completely understand what you're going through. I'm kind of in the same boat where I've experienced the void briefly but going back in seems to be hard. It all depends on assumption to be honest. I know that sounds like recycled information but anyone who has manifested with the void will tell you the same thing. I have started to work on my self concept again.

There are too many things that happen in the 3D that make it hard to ignore it. Parents constantly trauma dumping and then telling you that life is hard while you're telling your subconscious mind that the void is easy. Waking up and seeing that you're not there etc. I feel like a lot of people in this community ignore people's valid feelings and just tell them that "oh that's because you're choosing to see it that way". That might be true but I also think you need to find something you think is strong and will work for you.

Your subconscious mind is like a little pet that only listens to you. You need to reprogram your mind to stay firm in your belief even if you feel upset. You can definitely acknowledge those feelings and when you say things like, the void is hard or I couldn't get in, tell yourself "No, what am I saying? I KNOW the void is easy for me."

If there's specific questions then feel free to message me! I know this answer might not help as much but I'm just sharing what I have learnt so far on my own journey.