#but i havent figured out a good way yet that would really allow for my own creativity in the situation

[bloodydelightss]

Smth that really makes me hot to think about is, like thinking about a big brother thats killed and tortured people... and weve already had this flowering blossoming incestious relationship. Where ive already noticed hes "off" in some way, but ive always enjoyed it and liked it. Ive never thought hed like actually hurt someone. But ive also never had to worry abt being hurt by him either, cause when it comes down to it hes nothing but sweet and gentle to me, the perfect big bro, really. And hes giving in bed, dominant but gentle. Sometimes even lets me dominate him. Hes good like that, ideal really. But anyways, once I find that fact out about him....... I still dont leave him, really. I love him in spite of it. But now im scared of what hed to do to me if he found out I KNOW. So I try to hide it from him, badly.

And once he figures it out, he like kidnaps me and keeps me prisoner. He builds me a cute little room, it has everything I like in it, its very much tailored to me. It still expresses his affection for me and maybe also how he idealizes me. But im still a prisoner nontheless.

And he apologies to me for having to do this to me, and that he loves me, but he just cant be sure I wont betray him or rat him out, that he never meant for me to find out. Hes even hesistant to touch me at all at that point, cuz he doesnt want me to get the wrong idea. This isnt abt violating me, its merely about trying to rescue the relationship to me he wants to keep, he doesnt want me to backstab him.

But nontheless im now trapped by my big brother, completely at his mercy, in a way he doesnt intend to take advantage of.

And even tho I havent written abt anything sexual there yet the idea of that gets me wetter than anything else honestly.

Cuz then it quickly turns into a situation of I have to prove to my big brother that I rlly rlly wont betray him, and that I do accept him, and that maybe ive always been into that part of him anyways. I love the idea of going thru rlly psychologically challenging emotions, like arousal, enjoying the power he wields, having fantasies of hurting others myself, but also the immense fear of the reality of it all. Cuz maybe its hot, but do I rlly not give a damn abt all the other ppl hes hurt? Do I care more about what gets me wet, and what gets him off, and our connection than random innocent ppl? Hes the one lacking empathy and a sense of guilt, not me.

Eitherway.... Its a rlly psychologically horror-like situation and im fundamentally attracted to that.

Ofc the solution pretty much after a long-wided proccess of slowly breaking my own capacity for empathy and guilt down, maybe talking a lot to him, sharing how I think and feel... even letting him touch me sexually whilst imprisoned by him... but also maybe learning to trust him more than before, cuz he has me utterly utterly helpless, and hes still being decent enough, I get good food, he respects my boundaries, hes not cruel, he doesnt have repressed anger resurfacing. Hes mostly just apologetic, sad, and maybe also admits to "enjoying" having me in his grasp a little to much.

Anyways.. eventually I would "choose him". And id tell him smth he probably thought of himself already, that he should take me along to kill and torture someone, incriminate me, make sure that however way this goes, I cannot betray him.

I like the idea of me..... yknow, tearing up as we kill the person, so confused by how good and powerful that feels, but also pushed beyond what my moral compass wud allow me by far. But then id also feel so much closer to my big brother, would understand him better, id get to enjoy what he enjoys.. id get to maybe feel freed of that empathy nd sense of guilt.

Id imagine him fucking the corpse of the first person we kill together right in front of me, and my hand slowly slipping inside my panties, speechless and afraid of how hot that is to me, and slowly, slowly that sensation of power comes over and I just feel better and better..

I smile at him and I am so happy I have him, so happy that thanks to him im able to feel that powerful, that alive, that taken care of. Hes all I could ever need or want.

[isa-loves-you]

His Accent | Philip Graves x Fem!Reader |

| Trigger warnings: sexual situations, choaking, spanking. |

| This is dedicated to @massiww |

You were one of the new recruits for the shadow company, you were top of your special ops team and one day general sheppard asked you personally to be his company's first sergeant. You accepted graciously since you were now getting paid more but also you had a friend that was already in the company and she would talk about how hot the commander was.

It was your second week on base and you still havent met your commander due to him being on a mission since the day you arrived. Your friend Jada (sorry if your name Jada) had met  you in the shooting gallery for some mid day shooting.

“You know what I miss?” jada asked while you find a gun you want to use for your target “whats that” “I miss being able to watch doctor who, i feel like my day is taken up with so much training that when i get time to relax i automatically fall asleep, and i miss hearing David tennant's voice.”

You laughed off jadas remark and walked down to the end of the range and stood next to a man with short light brown hair but you couldn't see his face since he had it close to his gun. “So is it because a doctor who is smart makes you like him or the face?” you asked not to look at jada “I think it's the accents, I have a thing for Scottish and Irish accents' '. You and jada shot a couple of rounds before taking a break to reload “Really? I think southern accents are way hotter. "You slapped the bottom of your mag to make it sit in your gun right?Commander Graves has a southern accent right?I met him and he spoke to me with that accent. I would do unspeakable things to that man.”.

You laughed to yourself at what you did but quickly stopped once you saw jada's face that had an expression of fear. “As your commanding officer as well as your coworker I would advise you to not talk in such a way” you turned around to the man you saw in the booth next to you which turned out to be thee Philip Graves. There he stood over you with a stern look on his face but yet his eyes told an amused glare, his arms crossed and head cocked to the side god you did not regret what you said, just one look at this man and you did want to do something unspeakable to him.

“Sorry commander, I understand what I said was inappropriate and i didnt mean to say it in your presence, sir.” You wiped your smile away to show respect but your face was way hot from embarrassment. “That will be noted Sargent (L/N) please see yourself out, the mess hall should be open for lunch and all soldiers need their strength” “Yes sir”. You and Jada quickly got out of the gallery and to the mess hall.

“Wow i still can't believe you said that in front of him (y/n), you're dead” “please don't say that, i'm already shitting bricks' ' you tried to eat but your stomach wasn't allowing you to eat from the nerves. “CAN SARGENT (L/N) REPROT TO COMMANDER GRAVES OFFICE” oh fuck the nerves just got worse, you got up and looked at jada who was having a field day with your nightmare. “Have fun” jada waved you off while you dragged yourself to his office.

You stood in front of the door trying to muster up the courage you have just to knock on the door, you heard a couple of shuffles before his loud voice shouts from the other side of the door “come in ''. You opened the door to graves sitting at his desk and with no expression on his face “sit please” you didn't even try to go against him considering your life lies in his hands. “The reason why i called you in here is because of what you said in the gallery, now i would have just waved it off but i want to know, Did you mean it?”

You sat in shock trying to figure out why he was asking you this and if you did really mean it ”yes i did and again i'm sorry sir”. Graves let out a small short laugh “good i was hoping you did” graves stood up and walked in front of his desk facing you with his hand behind his back. 

“I have seen your file and I am very surprised by your record, and the whole time I was reading it I was wondering how much fun it would be seeing a strong woman like yourself cry from the amount of pleasure I want to give you”. You looked up at your commander shocked at what you were hearing but yet you were aroused. 

“Why wonder when you can see for yourself” you played back to his vulgaris flirting, graves let out a chuckle while shaking his head “honey don't play around if you don't want to be serious because i am” “I have never been so serious in my life sir” you stood up and stepped forward to his figure. Graves looked down at you trying to figure out your next move, you set  your hand on his chest and the other down his pants cupping his member over his boxers “Please commander. Fuck me.”

Graves smashed his lips down on to yours while letting his hands roam free around your body touching any and all parts of your body as you slipped your hand into his boxers and started stroking his cock. Graves lets out a low moan on your lips as you stroke faster, he part from your lips and looks at you with a hungry look in his eyes “get on the desk now”.

You sit on top of his desk waiting for him to do something, graves take a seat on his chair and proceed to take off the bottom half of your uniform. You feel the cold air hit your cunt and you shiver from the sudden cool, graves start to give your inner thighs a small kiss and bites. “Scoot closer” he wraps his arms around your legs to push you towards him more, as soon as your close enough graves eminently start attacking your slit with his warm wet tongue.

You let out loud moans not caring who can hear you, you gripped graves hair as he starts to go faster with his tongue “Close-Im close”.after you said that he started to go faster as he put his hands to the back of your knees to push your legs up higher, after a few more seconds of him eating you out you come on his face while your legs shook.

As you caught your breath, Graves stood up and unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. Get on your knees and thank me for letting you cum. You followed his orders and got off his desk to get on the floor, you took his cock in your hands while wetting your lips for you to take him in. Graves couldn't help himself so he slid a hand behind your head and shoved his dick into your mouth and moved your head up and down his shaft. You let him use your throat anyway he wants while you put your hand behind his thigh to rock his hips with his pace, his movements got slower which meant he was close. You moved your head up and down faster while letting out lewd noises, Graves threw his head back while letting out a groan, you dug your nails into his thighs before he shoves your head on his cock one more time as he shoots his warm cum down your throat.

You swallowed his load before standing back up to look for your pants. “Woah their darlin we ain't done yet, get back on that desk”‘ graves said with his thick accent that got you into this beautiful mess. You took off your shirt before sitting on the desk “lay on your side” you did what he said and laid on your side. Graves gripped your thing and spread it so that he could see your pussy. He ran a finger down your slit before sticking in two fingers and putting them in and out.

He started to curl his finger at your g-spot while you gasped for air from the amount of pleasure he promised to give you. Your second orgasm rolled around as his fingers went faster when you clenched harder around his digits. He didn't give you a minute to catch your breath before he shoved himself into your heart, you moaned loud from his size and him not letting you take a minute to get used to his size.

“Aw come on darlin you can take it for me” he slapped your ass as he slammed himself in and out of you. Sounds of skin slapping and your moans filled the room with sound, graves snuck his hand over your body so he could clasp his hand around your neck. “Baby please i'm closer keep  clenching” you held a hand around the writer he was using to choke you to signal him to go faster. His trust got faster and more animalistic until the knot in your stomach started to bundle up with each thrust.

“Graves please” you plead for him to let you cum “im almost there sugar cum, cum on me”. You didn't wait a second longer to coat his cock with your cum, two more thrust and you felt his cum shoot inside your messy cunt as you were riding your high.

Five minutes passed before graves took himself out of you, you still laid on his desk as he got himself dressed again. “Here let me help you with these '' he offered a hand to get you off the desk and to put your clothes back on “thank you”. You got dressed but your legs felt like jelly and that you were going to fall any minute “I'm sorry but I have a meeting to attend but I don't want you to go like this especially in this state” you shared a laugh. “ It's okay, I'm sure I can get back to my corners.” You try to walk past him but his hands catch yours “No I want you to stay, I don't do this with just a random person I want to get to know you”. 

Just him saying that made you feel like you were going to cum again. “Please just stay, you can rest on the couch while i'm gone, i shouldn't be long, just 10 minutes or less' ' he guided you to take a seat on a dark medium size leather couch that was in his office. “When i cum back we can get something to eat and maybe talk a little” “that sounds like a plan” you smiled up at his excited face. He looks like a dog that was offered a car ride.

“Great just lay down and here” he grabbed the gray blazer that was on the back of his chair and draped it over you. He gave you a peck on the cheek before leaving the room trying to act intimidating for others while you drifted off to sleep on his couch with the scent of him and sex lingering in the room.

[leynaeithnea]

Eeeeee I'm super happy to learn stuff about you :)

I'm pretty sure the cause of the block is too many ideas tbh. I'm trying to get a first chapter for my new book, but it's just not coming because I've basically written it in my head, and all the ideas seem like too much to fit in :(

Also all the happy stuff that's happened today is so great and soft and awesome!!!

🤍 hiii eheh

So, when you say you have it already written in your mind does that mean you have a whole plot and figured out storyline, or is it a whole bunch of scenes, ideas and all of that mixed together into something you cant bring into one line yet?

If its the former and you mostly struggle with getting it out on the page due to overthinking or sum then Id say: put words on the page without thinking about it, without trying to pick the "right" words to express what you mean and without going back to edit it, if its chapter 1 thats giving you specific isssues, skip it and move to a scene you have better figured out, first drafts are there to make the story exist, all the other drafts after are there to make them functional and effective and good ;3 the first draft is allowed to be trash

If its the later, I would say the best might be to look at the core story: the theme and the character and their goal and whats standing in their way, the core story you want to tell and ruthlessly cutting any ideas that might really really cool but simply dont purpose on express what that story is about, you can save the ideas on a seperate document or something like that to reuse in future projects

Generally if you havent yet, mayve trying to figure out some plot structures and sorting things into can help

I'm a plotter type writer for the most part, I need to have my core story in order to be able to do some discovery writting to figure out the things inbetween; but every writer works a bit different so you just gotta see what works best for you!

Mmhh another idea would be if its about struggling to sitting down and writing it down is giving yourself some repeated sensory imput (specific songs, specific lights, smells, etc etc) whenever you sit down with the goal to write, it will eventually condition your brain to associate this sensory imput with writing and it will help getting into the "writing zone"

And if its idea overflow: write them down, figure out a note taking structure that works for you so you keep an overview over everything and write it down, when things are trapped in your mind they might be beautiful dreams but its only once you read them that you can fully grasp them and sort through them

I hope any of these ideas might work for you 🤍

Id be curious to hear about what youre working on sometimes :3

[brella-boi]

CONTINUING ON THE JOURNEY.

The feathers are constantly curing. Im using PlastiDip as a primer with 3 layers on each side. I really hope I dont run out of black spray paint once I get there.

Theres a lot of them.

Fuck the feathers though Its time for the most nerve wrecking part that made me have 2 consecutive midnight breakdowns and it is currently day 3 and this may be breakdown numero tres but we will see.

On a Previous Installment of Jay has a mental illness we cut the pattern out for the head and havent touched it since. Well this changes today because I did cut out the fabric AND did everything else.

Sewing it together was. A fucking challenge. I may have bested the beast that is the sewing machine but my skills are not up to quote and i really shouldve followed the seam allowance i gave myself for a snugger fit BUT ANYWAY. It was all sewn. And there was so much fur. There is still so much fur. My clothes? Fur. The tables? Fur. The floor? Fur. The kitchen counter? Fur. My mouth? Fur. I hate it here.

I sewed one part wrong, of course. As you do. And had to tear it apart. Which. Is a lot easier to tear hand sewing off than machine sewing ill tell you that much.

Loose fit before trimming the seam allowances and before adding the beak fur.

But I couldnt stick it to the mask just yet until I had the rest of it figured. I did paint the inside bottom beak before, but it was too dark for my liking, so I repainted it real quick.

That and it was time to add and glue on the tongue too.

With that I also had a problem of being able to see the inside of my mouth way too easily because of the way the hinge is made. Most fursuit head have mouth opening right at the front, the beak however opens at the cheeks. And i couldnt just stick the fabric all the way because then the beak would never be able to open. I had to figure out some sort of membrane to block the sides of. So i grabbed aome left over stretchy velvet from the gloves and glied that fucker on

It covers the hing and springs too. Less likely to see my mouth that way.

Now it was time for sticking. And honestly the next image cracks me the hell up.

Me after 5 pints of whiskey.

Anyway the gluing was not fun!!! Nerve wrecking and scary and the adrenaline is still with me hours afterwards. Heres before and after brushing the fur once it was glued on.

Looking pretty good i think!! Next step: gluing on the real back feathers onto the back of the head. And also add some more foam for mt nose inside lmao.

[chaos--mode]

okay playing ren's bg.3 file again and i just realized i havent written down anything about her companion quest arc yet, so let me just ramble about it here for now

i have yet to sit down and figure out the specifics pre-act iii so here's the nitty gritty:

once they return to baldur's gate proper her father's soldiers find her and try to bring her back to him. not like in a kidnap-y way just "oh hey the Heir Is Back we were told if she ever showed her face in the city again we should escort her home". but ren doesn't wanna go with them so it's just this verbal "hey please fuck off" thing before ren stalks off and the soldiers are just. Confused. cause ofc no one really knows the details of what happened between ren and her father, just that she left suddenly one night (and her dad ended up spinning it as an "oh woe is me, one of my children died and then the other disappeared in the night along with my wife and step-child, oh poor me" bullshit)

there's a whole thing where her dad ended up climbing the ranks of nobility since ren's been gone, and he's sort of caught up with gortash's stuff as well as the hag in the city. like no matter what happens, ren ends up killing her dad. the choice comes in what she does after;

so the Bad Ending would be ren continuing her father's "legacy" (i.e., doing all the same sort of fucked up shit he's been up to in order to secure his higher status) in an attempt to use the prestige and power that comes with upper nobility to "protect" alex and herself. the Good Ending would be ren refusing to take up his mantle and allowing the truth of his crimes to come to light which will eventually (once court stuff happens like after the events of the game) result in their family's nobility status being completely revoked, but also allow the victims of all the shit he's done to seek justice and recompense

[dadmilkman]

I realized this summer that I subconsciously assume everyone i ever meet 1) is neutral towards or actively dislikes me and 2) because of this I do not put myself into the public eyes (gatherings, parties, social events, hang outs, etc) because i have already assumed no one wants me there and i would rather not put myself into that sort of situation when I am expecting to probably leave it thinking everyone is relieved that I am gone. this is super unhealthy and i havent figured out how to unpack it quite yet.

on top of this I realized that I dont let myself be happy. I think somewhere around the end of may I was having a relatively amazing few weeks. The weather was nice, i was spending a lot of time outside for hours a day on my porch swing reading and being in the sun, i was going out to the beach with some frequency to ride bikes, work was going smoothly and despite being busy things were productive. lots of good things were happening. and I realized that every time good things happen i will, in the back of my mind, tell myself that i need to think of a reason why i should not be so happy with my situation because.... i think i just dont know how to handle being not depressed after spending so much of my life really hating myself and everything about my life. and sometimes even now i do hate the way I am in plenty of different regards but I used to be able to hide that hate for myself behind the hate I had for the life I was living in a couple years ago (living situation I wasnt doing well in, job i hated, no career, broken up with long term gf, had a falling out with my dad, etc) so it was a lot easier to conflate "i hate myself" with "I hate my life." except, i dont hate my life anymore. I think i like my life quite a lot. I make very good money and im very lucky to have the job i have now. I have a house and very little debt and Im financially independent and i get to travel and my relationship with my remaining family is very slowly mending and generally speaking i think i am in a much better place mentally. so on occasions where i am feeling good about myself, i really dont have anything in particular that i can be mad about. and I think my brain just doesnt know what to do with it. so i decide to think of reasons why I might be upset about something somewhere. fishing for entirely unprompted issues that I can focus on.

knowing i do this hasn't helped much in not doing it anymore, but i think that I can see it becoming easier to stop myself from taking the thoughts any further. lately ive gotten into the habit of telling myself, out loud, to stop thinking about things that are making me angry on purpose, and then finding a distraction so im not thinking about them anymore. it's helping, but its very hard to catch.

i think whats frustrating me the most is that ive reached a point where i can feel that recovery is definitely possible but the reasons i am not able to recovery properly are entirely manmade, and that I really only need to stop holding myself back from being happy and maybe it will just happen. I also think that happiness is not something that everyone has. and maybe i will be happy sometimes but i will not actually ever have happiness. i dont know how i feel about knowing that maybe for the rest of my life ill feel this way, this self-consciousness i now have about my reluctance to allow myself to have happiness. i used to think none of my mental problems were my fault and everything sucked but there was nothing i could do about it. now im at a point where i can see that theres different ways i could act, or speak to others and myself, or interact with my environment or spend my time, all things well within my control,and that maybe some or most of them will impact the way I feel on a day to day basis and maybe in a long term basis as well. but I do worry that true change is not possible. and that just because i am aware of the way I think doesnt mean i will be able to change it permenantly or significantly. and maybe forever i will now be aware that some of my issues are self sabotague and ill never be able to stop.

june has been a very tumultuous month and i spent several weeks seriously hating myself and wishing i was vastly different from the person i am right now. i still often wish I was different but not because i necessarily hate who i am, just because i think i could be better and more understood by others. i still overthink every social interaction and thers a lot of days where i tell myself i shouldnt even bother opening my mouth to talk to other people because theyre all going to hate me regardless of what i say. and I dont like to be disappointed, so while im not a people please i dont like to disappoint other people, either.

i dont know what to do with all this, ive been in a very strange place mentally recently and some of it is good, but a lot of it is very confusing. i havent wished i was in therapy in a long, long time, but maybe it would be worth while finding someone i could explain all these things to.

[theloveinc]

Catie! Do you have any self-ships? You write about a lot of different characters with us/for us, but who's your ~fave~? (Could also just be a fave, not a self-ship) Is there anyone that you wish you could talk about more with us/in general?

🐞

jfjskdhfjads ladybug PLEASE, you are so berry kind for asking❤️👉🏻👈🏻❤️

i have many self-ships, actually!! tho i'm a bit confused by what constitutes one because... i basically ship myself with everyone LOL. and i know some people have very developed backstories for their selfship worlds... i wouldn't say i have one specific "canon" for each character + i's setup... but rather i pick whatever scenario i'm enjoying at the moment and then apply it to them and do that as needed. probs cuz it changes so often and always has.

Most of the time this past year it's been bakugo (what a surprise), so i would say he's def my top self ship??? but honestly whenever i'm thinking of anything for any character, whether it's suggested by u guys or not, i'm absolutely brainrotting for them, too. i mentioned this ages ago on IHB, but for the longest time i actually liked everyone in mha pretty equally, so i lowkey still do

(its fine bc im so busy rn, but sometimes im sad that we don't have more convos about other characters)

anyway, it's kind of an inside joke with myself LOL but i always joke it's like rick + morty in my mind bc i always think of my selfships as alternate universes that are all happening at the same time... so if i'm thinking about one au of assassin bakugo and another about having kids w/ him............ they're both equally valid. or like, if im thinking about being married to kiri, that's a different caitie than the caitie married to bakugo LMAO but still me🙆🏼‍♀️

(does that even make sense?)

honestly... not so much recently bc i've really been going thru it w/ my writing, but i feel like i do a good job of talking to u guys about all the stuff i wanna! i've honestly been self inserting so long that turning my ideas into inserts is actually very easy for me, plus, since i LOVE and enjoy writing second person, i don't have any issues with stuff being relatable to me personally. it just always is (for the most part).

besides, tho there's definitely a couple things i wish i could bring up, like plans i have for longer things im too scared to start (which are absolutely author-inserts), they're so deeply personal that i really can't even figure out how to make them appealing LOL. so for now i just don't. but that doesn't bother me much tbh, cuz i get my fill as is!

(plus, sometimes they’re just dumb ideas)

anyway, long story short... bakugo is my current, MAIN selfship. it was levi from attack on titan for like, 7 years tho. and i'm sure i'll find someone else berry special to add to the pile too!!! and normally i imagine us meeting because... we're both fucking weirdos who hate everyone LOL and bond over that.

but thank u SO much for asking, i hope i answered this right!! and more importantly, wbu??? i'd love to hear <3 (and hope you're feeling better🥺)

[lymmsweb]

Hello! I was wondering if I could get a Inosuke x female reader angst?

Pretty much where when Inosuke gets stabbed in his chest in the story the reader protects him and gets hurt instead? Like exactly like he did in the story it’s just her. They’re not dating yet and Inosuke had just figured out his feelings. Reader doesn’t die just is in a coma.

This is only if you are comfortable and want to! I hope you are healthy and safe!

a/n: you’re so sweet omg, i hope this is to your liking <33 i took a guess and i think you meant when he got hurt at the end of s2, it’s just that I havent read the manga in a long time so the plot is a bit fuzzy to me after the anime.

Also I’m not good at angst so I apologise in advance.

Character : Inosuke Hashibira

Reader : Female

Genre : Angst

Words: 1,259 (very briefly proof read)

Tws : Light gore? idk but blood, Mentions of death

⚠️Spoilers for s2⚠️

Running, that’s what you were doing. Running for your life with Inosuke clutching Daki’s head and you looking out for her Obi that was responsible for the injuries littered upon your body. Zenitsu was coving your back and deflecting all of the Obi’s attacks and attempts to get her head back. There were cuts here and there but nothing that you couldn’t handle.

Inosuke and Daki started having a petty argument, you paid no mind to it though, a feeling in your gut told you that this wasn’t going to be that easy. “Hey Insouke…” he was to preoccupied insulting the demon in his hands that he just couldn’t hear you. “Inosuke!” “What!?” he retorted in his usual manner, violently and loud. “Don’t you think this is too easy? We are talking about an Upper Rank, would she really just let us run away?” You inquired, genuinely worried about the outcome of this fight. Uzui and Tanjiro had trouble fighting her, not to mention him, Zenitsu and you barely even got to her. Jumping roof to roof you could smell the stench of blood, the noise of Uzui’s and Gyutaro’s weapons clashing had come to an abrupt halt.

Turning around trying to take in your surroundings, the foul odour suddenly became stronger, unbearable. The cause of this was a figure less than two meters away from Inosuke, one that was unmistakable. Gyutaro. As if all in slow motion you saw the grin on his face widening as he raised his scythe, aiming straight for Inosuke’s heart with the intent to kill him.

“Inosuke watch out!” You screeched at the top of your lungs as a spike of adrenaline came over you as you shoved him with all your power. Sending him flying off of the roof and no longer in your field of view. You now stood in the place where Gyutaro was aiming for, the scythe piercing your ribs and flesh. A waterfall of blood escaping the wound, staining your skin red. At that moment you couldn’t feel anything or hear anything, it’s as if time froze waiting for you to realise the consequences of your action. Looking down at your chest you noticed how even in the dead of the night, it was still noticeable all the blood on the uniform and the haori that you loved so dearly.

“Don’t you touch my sister!” He took out his weapon with such a force that all your senses came rushing back to you. Tears started to pool in your eyes, blurring your vision as your legs gave out and cold tiles met your face.

Inosuke hit the ground with an audible thud, Daki’s head was out of his grasp and only a few meters away from him. None of that mattered to him, what did was your figure collapsing with blood moving from one tile to another and dripping off of the roof and making a puddle on the floor. Gyutaro jumped off the roof and made his way over to his sister’s decapitated head, paying no mind to Inosuke and dashed over to get Daki back in the fight.

“Y/N!” He screamed, thinking you were already at death’s door. He got up on his feet and scaled the building as quickly as his legs could allow him to. Upon closer inspection he noticed how you started coughing up blood, your hair getting stuck together by the amount that was around you. Tears started to fall down his face and dampening his mask. “Don’t you dare die, you hear me?” “It’s not your time to go!” “Why would you do that?” “You’re stronger than this!”Was all he was saying, chanting it as if it was a prayer that could bring you back. Every inch in your body was in agony, urging you to give up and give in and let yourself drift off.

“Go fight. They need you,” it was a miracle you were even speaking even if it was hoarsely. Choking on blood but you knew you’d all be killed if he stayed. “I’ll make it out of here.” The sound of your voice was in complete contrast to his, calm, eerily calm. This however was betrayed by your face, tears were mixing in with the red fluid that was covering it “Please.”

“I can’t leave you.” He bent down, caressing your cheek. “Yes you can.” He stayed that way for about 30 seconds, contemplating whether to go or not. The decision was destroying him from the inside out, the wound didn’t seem to go through your heart but that didn’t mean that you wouldn’t die. He felt that his one job was to protect you and he failed. He hated it but he decided to go and obey your wish, the sooner the Upper Rank is defeated the sooner he can rush you back to the butterfly estate.

***

Shinobu took great care of you, nursing you the best she could with the condition you were in. She took pity on the boy who carried you in his arms sobbing and begging her to ‘bring you back’. You were never gone, your heart was still beating and your lungs were still breathing. All throughout everything he stuck by your side, not that you’d notice, you were in a coma. He never once left your side, waiting for you to awake from your deep slumber.

Tanjiro and Zenitsu would also visit you everyday, talking about their day and how they were recovering. Guilt was tearing Tanjiro up though, he saw everything from afar, he could’ve helped but he didn’t. He couldn’t. Zenitsu was informed on everything and wished he was awake during the fight, he wanted to see you alive, not your lifeless body. “She’ll be okay, don’t worry Inosuke.” Shinobu knew what it felt like to loose someone you held so closely to your heart, although this time, time was the only thing that they had an abundance of. They would all wait for an eternity for you to come back and into their arms.

Inosuke was beating himself up, he wasn’t his usual boisterous self, one that would bring himself up and call himself the strongest. Instead he became reserved, only speaking if he was spoken to. He missed talking to you, seeing your smile would brighten his day, hearing your laughter was like music to his ears. Sparring with you was his favourite thing though, he considered you an equal and wanted for you to get stronger, he wanted you to be able to defend yourself. Instead of getting angry or sad whenever he lost a fight, he’d be filled with overwhelming joy and pride when he’d be on the floor with you towering over him.

“Y/N please come back to me, forgive me please. I miss you, i miss everything about you. You may be alive but i don’t want to see your lifeless body, i want to see you filled with joy. You’re not like those two, i am happy whenever i am around you. I do not want to wake up to another day without you by my side, i miss that weird feeling when I’m with you.” He spoke softly whilst spilling all his inner most thoughts, gently rubbing your hand and rested his eyes on your face, hoping to see your eyes open and be filled with life. It wasn’t until he looked at his hand holding yours that this feeling wasn’t a feeling of friendship. It was a moment of realisation after all this time, he wanted you “I love you, please come back to me.”

[azenkii]

A Long List of Trash Fire Lord Zuko Headcanons

...that i couldn't get out of my head:

(warning: SUPER LONG POST i havent figured out how to trim posts yet)

he's the one who unchains azula despite iroh's protests. she doesn't even try to fight him, just cries into his shoulder and keeps mumbling about how father's going to be so disappointed in her. he takes her to her rooms and has her drink a sleeping draught, then stations the best guards he has left outside her chambers.

his first council meeting takes place literally a day after sozin's comet. he hobbles into the council chamber shirtless with his entire torso covered in bandages and every council member just looks at him like '...what'

he does NOT sleep for like,,a week after sozin's comet and then another two weeks after his coronation. katara, aang and suki try to persuade him to sleep and he doesn't listen. eventually sokka, toph and mai team up to literally drag his ass to bed and tell him he's not allowed to get up until he sleeps (does mai pin him to the bed with her knives? yes. is it kinky or sexual in any way? definitely not.)

he drinks So. Much. Tea. at this point it's practically tasteless to him but he drinks it anyway because he just needs something to do and tea is something familiar. he keeps iroh on his toes because he's constantly asking for new tea blends, uncle, i think i actually tasted the last one,

he flat-out refuses to grow his hair for at least a year after ozai's defeat. the second it starts getting close to his chin he shears it off himself, with his knife, and his stylist has a heart attack every single time

when he's tired he'll occasionally jump up when one of his guards moves. it stops after a bit, but for the first month and a half or so he's really twitchy. when sokka asks, the only explanation he can come up with is that he's not used to having people stand behind him silently and not want to kill him, much less want to protect him (sokka immediately takes him out for a shopping trip and makes a point of walking behind him the entire time, but only on zuko's right side, where he can clearly see it if sokka moves towards him)

when the healer declares azula mentally unstable and in need of an institution, he shuts himself in his office for the rest of the night. no one's allowed in, not even iroh. he finally emerges in the morning, eyes red from crying and sleep deprivation, and tells the librarian that he'd like a list of the best mental institutions in the country, please, the best in the world if you can get them

he loves theatre (is this even a headcanon?). unfortunately it practically died out in the fire nation along with the rest of the creative arts, leaving nothing but small troupes like the ember island players. one of zuko's personal goals (meaning things he wants to accomplish that aren't as important as restoring his country) is to bring back theatre; he finally manages to do it after about eight months or so of being fire lord, along with other arts like dancing, music and sculpture

he establishes a national day of mourning, on the first day of autumn every year, to commemorate the genocide of the air nomads. from 100AG onwards, every calendar printed in the fire nation has it marked. at first it was called the day of repentance, but aang persuaded him to have it changed (by arguing that he didn't want guilt to be a literal staple of fire nation culture)

he introduces literally So Many educational reforms, plus a mandatory class that teaches students about the cultures of the other nations (air nomads included) and how some of their traditions overlap

he turns down the offer of having a statue put up of him in the capital. toph ignores him and does it anyway.

he visits azula regularly, makes sure she's (relatively) comfortable and well-fed, and sometimes just sits down outside her door and tells her about everything that's going on right now ('some of the far colonies have developed their own standardised writing, azula, you wouldn't believe it, and i've asked the fire sages to come visit more often—but you never liked them, did you? oh, well; i'll make sure none of them go into your chambers by mistake')

(he doesn't know it, but when he does this azula sits by the door and listens. she wonders what kind of writing the colonists have developed, and whether or not the fire sages have taken on some new recruits.)

he hates being above anyone else. never sits in the throne if he can help it, nor does he sit on the dais in the council room. when he talks to people shorter than him, he finds himself stooping a little bit to talk to them on their level (the exception to this rule is sokka, who he mocks for being shorter all the way up until sokka grows taller than him, the bastard)

the first time he visits the earth kingdom, the earth king's ministers call a toast. he ends up being the only one who has to sit out, because he's too young to drink by earth kingdom law

once his servants figure out he won't kill them for talking to him, they start becoming a lot more bold, telling him off when he doesn't take care of himself. at one point, they force him to let them take care of him so much that he literally just bolts into the gardens and hides there until the staff rope in mai and ty lee

when he needs to escape, he does one of two things: (a) he dresses up as the blue spirit and does some parkour until he calms down, or (b) he goes to work at the jasmine dragon. (b) happens less often bc the jasmine dragon's in ba sing se, but there's been a few memorable incidents when an earth kingdom diplomat walks in and yells, 'LEE?!' when they see the fire lord

the first court artist who draws him also happens to be the one who drew azulon and ozai. he draws zuko without his scar. zuko takes one look at it and tells him, very calmly, that he'd like him to leave, please.

zuko burns the portrait. he doesn't fire the court artist, but he never calls on him again unless he has to. a second court artist is called, and can't help but be a bit confused when the fire lord tells him to be sure to include the scar

he forgets the crown. a lot. sometimes he walks into council meetings in his sleepwear with his hair tied up in a messy ponytail and a bunch of scrolls tucked under his arm. none of his councilmen have the guts (or the heart) to tell him that this is not, in fact, formal council wear

he goes to feed the turtleducks when he's stressed. he thinks he's being subtle. he's not. the entire palace knows, and they consciously give him space when they see him in the turtleduck garden

most of his staff are older than him, so they look at him and see this teeny tiny fire lord who is So Small and who Must Be Protected. the day after zuko's coronation, the head chef holds a meeting where they commence Operation Do-Not-Let-That-Boy-Turn-Out-Like-His-Father (subsection He's-The-Only-Good-Thing-We-Have)

one night he wakes up to find suki sitting in his room, decked out in full kyoshi warrior garb and makeup, and just about screams blue murder. suki tells him there are suspicions of an assassin in the palace, and would you please stop yelling it's very distracting, we won't be able to hear anyone coming over that racket

zuko gets very, very paranoid of random spirits after that. yeah, suki looks like a possibly malevolent spirit when she's wearing her makeup, what about it? (when he tells sokka he's highkey terrified of spirit shenanigans, sokka just looks at him and says, 'man, the stories i could tell...', and THAT'S when zuko remembers sokka spent like six months more than he did travelling with the avatar)

on his first visit to the southern water tribe, he removes his boots and leg guards, rolls up his pants and kneels barefoot in the snow. even though chief hakoda immediately starts trying to pull him up, he's stubborn as hell and stays kneeling for the entirety of his very long, very sincere apology-on-behalf-of-the-fire-nation speech. he nearly loses his toes to frostbite after that, and both sokka and katara never stop giving him shit for it

the first time he grows a 'beard' is completely accidental. he's stressed over some trade miscommunications with chief hakoda, hasn't slept in a few days...and then when sokka arrives as water tribe ambassador to help smooth things over, he takes one look at zuko and says 'man, facial hair does not suit you'

zuko: facial what now

he checks a mirror to find that he's got stubble covering his chin, dark enough that it almost looks intentional, and holy gods how the fuck did he not notice this before

'UNCLE WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME' 'i assumed you were doing it on purpose' 'WHEN HAVE I EVER DONE ANYTHING ON PURPOSE'

he shaves it all off immediately, of course, which prompts a lot of teasing and rib-poking from sokka until zuko finally snaps that he's scared it'll make him look like his father. sokka stops after that.

(the day after sokka leaves, zuko finds that a mysterious someone has scribbled all over ozai's royal portrait, giving him a frankly ridiculous beard and moustache that literally CANNOT be grown in real life. oddly enough, he can't bring himself to care about the defamation of royal property. he's too busy laughing.)

his paths cross with toph and sokka more than any of the others, because sokka is ambassador and toph is technically still a beifong. most of the time, at formal functions, he ends up sequestered in the corner with toph and a hoard of snacks, and they talk and swear much more than they usually do (zuko's ministers once heard him when he was drunk with toph, and the servants swear the older ministers' ears started bleeding)

he restores fire nation cultural festivals, and in doing so subjects himself to learning a lot of complicated dances

during one memorable week, he wrote so many letters and drafted so much legislation that he ran out of paper. he had to go visit the nearest school and ask for some

he keeps up with his firebending and sword training even though it's hard to fit into his schedule. his ministers refrain from reminding him that he has guards to protect him now; it's still hard for zuko to trust his safety with anyone but himself (team avatar is the exception).

he started sleepwalking about two months into his reign. no one knew why. one time, he nearly sleepwalked right off the edge of a balcony, and one of his guards had to grab him by the back of his robes.

the sleepwalking stopped after around a month and never happened again. at this point it's practically palace legend.

after freeing the war prisoners, he went around collecting every single earthbender-proof wooden cell he could find in the capital and surrounding areas. when he'd gotten most of them, he gathered them into a huge pile in the city square and set fire to them with his own hands.

unfortunately he couldn't do that with the waterbender metal cells but he did get toph to come in and bend them all into pretty shapes (well, toph thought they were pretty shapes. everyone else thinks they're meaningless squiggles)

he learned how to write with both hands at the same time out of sheer necessity (he refused scribes until it became clear that he'd be putting some people out of a job; that was when he started letting scribes write very, very minor things, but all important documents/drafts/letters are still written by him)

he once put the wet end of an ink brush in his mouth instead of the wooden end by mistake. didn't even realise until he bit down to keep it in place and ink went oozing everywhere

when his guards rushed in to find him coughing and spluttering black liquid all over his desk they thought he'd been poisoned but no he's just stupid

on his 17th birthday, his first one after being crowned, he got tackled by team avatar in the middle of the ballroom and ended up at the bottom of a cuddlepile for like ten minutes

this cuddlepile happened at an event that was very much public and very much formal. it was a scandal for weeks

just. fire lord zuko, guys. so much potential

[gumilac]

AHH CONGRATS ON 500 LOVELY!!! i would love to request a seat in your 500 event <3

my order: 🥪

person to date: luke :,)

my drink: 🍨

song: “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

thank you so so much! and congrats again!!! 💞

「 𝟓𝟎𝟎 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭 」

pairings. luke pearce x reader

warnings. none, mentions of food but no one eats

a/n. THANK YOUU MWA <3 AND FUCK I HAVENT HEARD THIS SONG IN SO LONG OMGOMGOMG I WAS SMILING THE WHOLE TIME I WAS WRITING THIS IM SO GIDDY NOOOO, this fits him so well oh my *melts into a puddle*,,, also the code was apparently not working so yes 🧍‍♀️

"are you coming home already?"

you lean on the kitchen counter, a hand holding your phone up against your ear.

"almost, my love," luke says, voice a little tired because of the work laid out in front of him. "i'll just finish up restoring these photos and i'm all yours when i come home."

you let out a small sigh and turned around to lean your elbows on the counter, "okay, have you eaten dinner already?"

"not yet," he says and you hear the faint clicking of his keyboard, and you decided to hang up the call to let him work easily.

"i'll see you at home, okay? please don't overwork yourself."

"i won't, flower," he pauses, "i love you."

"i love you too, luke."

with that, you end the call before making yourself busy to make his favorite dinner. there's a faint smile that makes its way on his face, and he shakes his head, looking down.

he still can't believe that he's yours... even after 2 years of dating.

the years of his youth all come back to him as he looks at the box of pictures he has to restore, as it somehow brings a sense of nostalgia and he reminisces the days when he was silently pining over you.

;—

"luke!"

there's a small smile on his face as he looks over his shoulder, seeing you run up to him, eyes beaming.

"sorry, i got caught up with assignments"

"mhm, it's okay," sitting beside him, luke plays with the blades of grass as he watches you settle down— "i wasn't waiting long."

humming a response, you rest your back on the big tree, luke following suit. your shoulders are touching, but it isn't something new to you. luke being your best friend ever since you two were children, you were comfortable enough with the close proximity.

"i got an A today in science," you softly say, taking a deep breathe. luke looks down at the grass and smiles, "that's great! good job." and he means it, he really is proud of you because he knows that science can be quite difficult.

"hmm, all thanks to you, my sherlock."

leaning your head to face him, eyes slightly open as you take in the fresh air, relaxing your figure. luke fights the urge to kiss you right now, you look so serene, so beautiful under the tree as the sun peeks through the leaves. the cooling air lightly playing with your hair— god, he's so in love with you.

he gently smiles at you, cheeks warming up with the way you're looking at him, and he stares for a good while, admiring your beauty. luke reaches up to brush your locks and tucks strands of it behind your ear, before placing a flower he found dancing with the blades of grass, in your hair.

"my pretty, watson..."

~

voice sweet like honey and smooth as velvet call out to you, and you've heard it a thousand times. it's so familiar, that you could discren it among the heavy crowded streets filled with idle chit-chat.

"my watson!!"

"you're back!!!" running up to him, he wraps his arms around you, embracing you tightly— "you're back..."

"i am, aren't i?" he laughs, and it ignites something in your chest, a warm and... welcomed feeling. luke feels the world spinning as you hold him, grounding him here in this moment where he's in your arms. that he's actually with you.

"i missed you," he quietly says, and there's a hint of sadness, melancholic as he confesses, "i don't want to be apart from you that long ever again."

he closes his eyes, and breathes you in, basking in your presence.

"let me stay for as long as you allow me too."

hugging him tighter, you kiss his temple, momentarily shocking the boy before finally reciprocating his feelings.

;—

he smiles and shakes his head as he returns back to restoring the photos. being your best friend since childhood, luke knows you like the back of his hand and you know him just as well. he's was so whipped for you and it shows, even now he still is.

you're all he sees, when he looks ahead, his future. luke has always wanted to ask you, that, there sits a beautiful velvet box in his drawers, waiting to be opened. a proposal, for a lifetime he so wishes to have, with you and only you.

maybe he'll tell you eventually...

but right now, he just feels lucky to be coming home again in your arms.

[prettyvampiress96]

The Malfoy Secret

Chapter 1

Sat in her defence against the dark arts class, Anastasia sat at her desk with her head down, her long black hair falling from its place over her shoulder and her feather quill elegantly scrolling notes across the parchment in front of her under the watchful eyes of Professor Lupin. Anastasia was in her seventh and final year at Hogwarts so studying for the N.E.W.T.S were strictly underway. As Head Girl , Anna's free time was extremely limited even the she spent it mentoring some of the younger members of her house. Professor Lupin was currently recapping over a subject they had covered at the beginning of the year when a knock echoed throughout the large room.

" Forgive me for interrupting your lesson Remus but might I borrow Miss Rosier . There's a situation that requires her immediate assistance" Professor McGonagall asked her eyes locking directly to Anastasia's. When Remus nods his head granting Anastasia permission to leave the class. "Miss Rosier you'll want to collect your things class will no doubt have long finished by the time you'll return" McGonagall spoke up once again. Anastasia nodded slightly confused and with a flick of her wand , her belongings were packed and in her possession. " Professor McGonagall ma'am with all due respect may I know what the situation is that requires me to be pulled from my class" Anna questioned the head of Gryffindor house. " It would appear Miss Rosier that a child of whom you are mentoring and as of whom you are known to be close too has been injured by a hippogriff, the extent of the injury I myself am unaware now if you could Madame Pomfrey shall be waiting for you in the infirmary wing. I have to alert Draco's parents" The transfiguration teacher informed . As Anna heard Draco's name she immediately began sprinting to the infirmary wing , the blonde haired boy was indeed close to her . Anastasia burst through the infirmary doors catching sight of Draco in the bed surrounded by other Slytherin's. The Slytherins and the Slytherin head girl stood at Draco's bedside whilst his arm was mended. Anastasia knew this was a lucky escape for Draco , she had no doubt that the Gryffindor trio were in some way involved. They always were. Draco had to stay for observation for a few hours so his friends dispersed to lunch, Anna stayed getting the run down from Draco on what had happened. Anastasia had stood with her back to the large infirmary doors so the pair had yet to notice the set of parents in the doorway observing. " Draco what do I tell you time and time again , if you want to go at war with the Gryffindor's then be smart about it . A snake lies low before it strikes and therefore its prey is unaware and then dead. Take myself for example do you see me all out duelling in the courtyard? no you don't . Even after that Weasley insulted my family I planned ahead and I struck him when he least expected it and I've yet to see Percy on my rounds since. The moral is be smart Draco and don't lose us anymore points or you may find yourself duelling me little Malfoy" Anna joked patting Draco's good shoulder both of them laughing together until the pair heard chuckling behind them. Anastasia eyed the two adults lurking in the doorway , she didnt have to ask who they were to know that these were Draco's parents. After all her family had mentioned the Malfoy family countless of times, although she hadn't expected them to look so breath-taking. The woman hurried at great speed to Draco's bedside Lucius standing right beside her. " Draco my poor baby don't you worry that animal and that sad excuse of a teacher wont be on the grounds once your father is finished with them. Nothing hurts our baby" Narcissa cooed failing to notice the blush spreading across Draco's face. Anastasia giggled at Draco's embarrassment. " Sorry to interrupt Draco but now youre family are here I see you're in good hands so I shall leave you be, but take this" handing Draco a book for transfigurations " I know its not your strongest topic but itll do for now considering your not in class and I'll help with your homework after alright. We need to keep those grades up after all" she offered. Anastasia managed to move two steps before a figure blocked her way. Looking up she found herself looking into the ice blue eyes of Lucius Malfoy himself. " Do forgive me but who exactly are you we know Draco's friends and your face isnt one we are likely to forget is it darling?" The tall blonde questioned his wife. She moved to his side humming in thought. " No Darling I do believe we havent met her I am sure of it" Narcissa assured her husband both of their eyes coming to glance at Anna. " My name is Anastasia Esmeralda Rosier and I am Slytherin Head Girl and Draco's mentor

courtesy of Professor Snape sir " Anastasia spoke clear not allowing the pair to see how intimidated they made her. When Anastasia glanced back towards Draco , he simply shrugged during their interaction. The pair both missed the looks that the elder Malfoys shared with one another.

Draco was released from the infirmary wing in time for dinner that evening and as promised Anna assisted him in anything he didnt quite understand while at the same time revising over all of her N.E.W.T.S that she was set to take in a mere few days. Just over a week later N.E.W.T.S had finished and all students were packing up the dorms ready to spend summer break at home. Many of those students already excited for the next year. Draco Malfoy was one specific student who indeed was not looking forward to returning knowing that Anastasia would now not be returning. Her final year now complete. Anastasia was a nervous wreck now that the time had finally come , the fact that she wouldn't be a student at Hogwarts next year really had begun to sink in . There were plenty of careers she had in her mind . She had already been accepted to work within the Ministry of Magic.. Working was something that also had young Anastasia scared. She would be lying if she said that she wasn't worried, after all her last name is the name of her father therefore would others think she was destined for the same fate despite never stepping a foot out of line. As Anna settled herself into the comfort of her train compartment , she curled up on the plush fabric of the seat and leaned her head against the window , closing her eyes she was thankful for the chance of an empty carriage it happened on rare occasions. Moments later that silence was disturbed by a white headed third year. Ana had half expected Draco's cavalry to file in right behind him but it was just him. The pair just looked out the window unsure of what to say to each other. The train began to slow to a stop signalling they were at kings cross this was it . This was their goodbye. People from all houses began filing out onto the platform 9 and 3/4 .

The white mane of the elusive Lucius Malfoy could be spotted miles away. Anastasia's Aunt had come to meet her despite her not feeling herself. This was her younger brothers only child and the child she raised and treated as her own. Merlin himself wouldn't stop her from missing this. With her luggage in tow Ana had spotted her aunt Amalthea Rosier or aunt Thea as Anna called her and headed directly for her . Anna embraced her Aunt in a large hug. "Auntie you didnt have to meet me here , you should be at home resting, I could have apparated home, but thank you " Anna thanked her aunt tearfully appreciating the effort she had gone through to be there. Thea didn't have a chance to respond as a pair of arms enclosed around her nieces waist, holding her from behind. Anna looked down and turned to see who the culprit was . Staring into the greyish blue eyes of Draco. "I'll miss you Annie. Promise me you'll visit me before I go back to school and we have to stay in touch that's not negotiable I'm afraid and I'm a Malfoy I get what I want" Draco smirked at Anna. " Oh Draco I don't know I was looking forward to no more potter drama or Draco theatrics" she joked back smiling at the boy . Draco looked a tad offended. "Of course I'll keep in touch but let's at least get home first " she laughed , patting Draco on his shoulder . Bowing her head to Draco's parents in a sign of respect. Both families apparated to their respected homes.

[no-shxme]

if you feel like giving a stuck writer advice.... how do you get inspiration when head no work right or produce the right words

hey anon, sorry to hear about mush brain :C my advice is scattered but i'll list what helps for me. it's long because im verbose, i hope you dont mind. skip around or whatever (SOB)

something that might help is literally writing about that shitty writer's block feeling. i dont know about you but when i write i usually have to write towards something. usually i have a fragment of a sentence or scene that i want to get to, or just a mood, etc--as specific or unspecific as possible. Then its simply a matter of spewing enough words to get there. I'm not sure what you're trying to write (or maybe you dont have an idea, i'll get to that) but if you're looking to warm up and loosen some brain cells and you can't think of where to go with your words then you could always write about how your head-no-work. cause that's a very powerful and potent feeling in itself. i dont worry about a full scene or anything, just spitting some words on the page about how im feeling, or a character that's feeling the same thing, is often enough to spark more. i think too often people get stuck in their writer's block bc it understandably SUCKS, but there's often something to be explored there, in a good way.

sometimes to get inspiration or get out of a funk i have to really switch things up. i listen to new music or stuff that i haven't listened to in a loooong time. i'll read a book or a comic or ill go look at some pretty art and see if anything clicks. adding to that, a break can really help. a day or two or a week or whatever where you tell yourself that you're absolutely not allowed to write anything. a break! usually i can do that for a day or half a day and then i'll be good to go. (that's also because i write every single day so writing is very much a habit for me, which helps. if it takes longer then that's okay.)

opposite of this, sometimes i'm especially desperate to get something done so i just brute force it. i dont really believe in only doing something when inspiration strikes, (though inspiration is helpful and so are breaks) so sometimes i just throw up all over the page. the worst dogshit ive ever read. and that's ok, because at least it's on the page and not trapped in your brain. even if it's literally just a summary of what happens in the scene. you can always go back later and add more/flesh it out/etc.

back to idea generating. sometimes if im out of juice i literally just take something i already like (movie, book, trope, for example: indiana jones) then plug characters into it (ff or otherwise), and then just twist said material until it becomes its own thing. usually the characters will do that themselves. for example. if i inserted sett and talon into a jungle traversing indiana jones au i know just based on their characters that there'd be friction, so we'd already be looking at conflicted allies (since i want them to be allies). but then you ask, how would they even be allies in the first place? logically i decide that they must want the same single objective in order to work together in an uneasy alliance, even if i havent yet figured out what that objective is. that's a start. then i can begin thinking about that dynamic and how itd work and how i can still generate tension. thats how i end up with the idea of them handcuffed together, both fighting over the same objective even tho they both don't get along. that was a really long winded way of me saying that sometimes writing character focused stories/fanfiction can get you bogged up because it's hard to get your character to do something. it can feel like a slog. dunno if you're having that problem or not but sometimes i gotta take a step back and figure out if there's a better way for my character to do things. i try not to force anything and think about how a character would actually approach a situation and then a scene pretty much writes itself. for comparison, my train of thought for building scenes isn't "character Y is going to do xyz and abc." instead it's "these are my goals for character Y, now how do they GET there?" and designing the plot around that. which i guess doesn't' seem like that much of a difference but,, imo it's a big one. maybe that doesn't apply to you, in which case ignore it lksfdjjklfsd.

uhh i know i have other tidbits or crumbs or whatever but this is what i can think of off the top of my head. i know those mucky muddy brain times are such a struggle so maybe something here can help. just know that it'll pass, eventually! whether you take a break, brute force it, fight it, etc. everyone's different, don't be discouraged! and remember that even dogshit on a page is better than nothing. there's no rule saying you can't revise your own stuff 15 hundred bajillion times. good luck anon!

[miss--aura]

Saw your requests were open! I too love Fatgum so maybe an +18 plus scenario with some angst? Like maybe you were good friends but now both are stuck in limbo after sleeping with each other one night. Confused about what they are. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

Stuck In between

Pairing: Taishiro Toyomitsu x Reader

Warnings: angst, bad smut because I had a headache while writing the ending, idk what to put for warnings, banana milk sucks

Requested by: ness-is-a-vanillabean

On a serious note I decided I don't know how to wrote angst or if this counts as angst lmao.

It was a spur of the moment decision, at least that's what you kept telling yourself. You were drunk, and let your lust get the better of you and now you didn't know what to do.

You shouldn't have let Midnight convince you to go, you shouldn't have taken the wine glass offered to you. It was all just some big mistake that you made, and it landed you where you are now.

You haven't left your house in a week and you certainly havent been checking any messages on your phone. Luckily you could work from home, but you couldnt hide forever.

"God, I'm so stupid!" Slamming your head on your desk with a groan, tears forming in your eyes as you choke out a sob.

No matter how hard you tried it kept replaying in your head. The way his eyes seemed to drink you up, his hands caressing every inch of your body, the way he filled you up hitting the spots that made you forget your name.

Part of you didn't regret it at all, getting out all of the lust filled emotions was such a nice release to something you've been holding onto for god knows how long.

Yet, you couldnt look back on the memory in a fond light. Because in the end, you said I love you. You said I love you to your bestfriend, and now you couldn't even talk to him.

He'd called you at least 15 times a day since then, over 200 messages being left unread. You just had to go and be selfish, didn't you? Ruin the one good thing you had in your life.

You wondered how he was doing, not that you'd ask. But at the same time, you were his bestfriend and you confessed your love to him in a drunken haze and haven't spoken to him since.

All the ways you could've confessed, you had to go and do it when you were drunk out of your mind and being pounded into a mattress. Going back to work at the agency would be a nightmare now.

One week left until you actually had to go back to the agency. Meaning one week to figure out how to avoid Taishiro for the rest of your life. Did you want to avoid him? No, but you'd rather avoid him than own up to your own emotions.

Picking your head up off the desk you decide to actually do something productive for once. You needed groceries anyways and right now was the perfect time to do so, considering Taishiro would be patrolling the other side of town.

You quickly freshen up and head out the door, the grocery store being only a few blocks away so you could manage walking there and back.

It was a short walk, being about 15 minutes give or take a few. Now that you were scanning shelves you realized how long it had really been since you've seen, well, another human.

It almost made you laugh, how seeing really people made you feel better about the situation your in. Sucking in your cheeks you put a small case of banana milk into your cart.

Taishiro didn't really care for it, but it was almost a comfort item for you. He always said it just tasted like a banana, and it'd cost less to buy regular bananas instead. Though you'd disagree everytime he brought it up.

Sure, it tasted like bananas, but it is banana milk so whatever. Plus it came in cute boxes with a straw and who were you to deny something that looked so cute.

Making it to checkout, you place your items on the counter. Allowing the cashier to do their job while you let your eyes wander around the store.

It wasn't big, but it had a comforting feel. Maybe it was because you'd been feeling down, or maybe it was the way you'd been here so many times that the familiarity was comforting to you.

Never the less you give a small smile to the cashier, finishing the rest of your items as you pay. Fishing the bags into your arms as you start the short journey back to your home.

"Need help carrying those bags?" The voice made you freeze in place. There was no way this was happening, he wasn't supposed to be here. He was on duty, right?

"Listen we need to talk, you can't keep ignoring me."

"I don't wanna talk right now, aren't you on duty anyway? I have to go put these away." You start walking off, hurrying to get away.

"I'm a hero, I help people in need. You aren't feeling like yourself which means it's my place to help. Is it not?"

"I said I don't want to talk, I said something I didn't mean, and I have to face the consequences for that. Okay?"

"So you don't love me?" You swear you could hear the hurt in his voice, but you told yourself you were hearing things. You can't ruin this anymore than you already have.

You can't bring yourself to respond, quickening your pace as your eyes fill with tears. Trying to blink them away only causing them to slide down your face. Not that you bother to wipe them because you know Taishiro is still watching you walk away.

He doesn't like you like that, he's a pro hero, you're just an office lady. That's what you have to remember. Whatever you thought you had, was just you trying to convince yourself that something could happen.

It didn't matter if you wanted to run into his arms, nothing would change. You'd be the hopeless romantic who had feelings for a hero who didn't have time to waste on a relationship.

"Y/n wait! Stop walking so fast I can't keep up!" Taishiro's voiced filled through your ears, your heart melting at the sound. But for once, your head was in control. Head over heart, that's what your mom always said.

"Go away 'shiro." It came out more broken than you wanted it to and you knew he could see right through you as much as you wanted to hide away from your feelings your feet plant themselves no longer letting you move further.

Two arms wrapping around your waist in the tightest hug you've ever experienced. Stealing the air from your lungs as a small whine of pain escapes your lips.

"Y/n, listen to me. You can't keep avoiding me. I've been worried sick about you, can't you tell? I thought I was dreaming when you told me you loved me but just as soon as that happened you dissapeared. Please Y/n talk to me."

You shook your head more tears streaming down your cheeks as you tried to speak without sounding like you were dying. Though it felt like you were.

"You don't love me 'shiro, I gotta get over you but whenever you're near me it makes it so hard. No matter how hard I try I keep falling harder."

"Who said I don't love you? Angelcake, you never asked me if I loved you. Look at you, what is there not to love about you? When you said you loved me I'd never been more happy in my entire life. So please, stop running away from me, I hate not being with you."

"'shiro..."

"Shh, let's get you home, I wanna show you how much I love you."

Arriving at your house, you force the key into the door as quick as you can manage. Taishiro taking notice to how desperate you were to enter.

Pushing the door open you realize how messy your house was, an awkward smile spreading across your face as you let him in. "Please excuse the mess, it's not usually like this I've just been having a hard time recently."

"As if it's any worse than mine, besides I'm not here to judge you." He grins placing his hand in yours and leading you to your bedroom. Seeing as he'd been here enough to know the lay out of your house.

Just as soon as you were in your room, he was all over you. Kissing you with so much passion you thought you were dreaming by the way he seemed to be bleeding out lust.

Taishiro opted to use his normal form in moments like this, his fat body not working when it came to the more intimate moments. Not that you loved him any less in any form.

You whine into the kiss, your body on fire from the arousal building up within you. Clawing at your close to get them off, desperate to have Taishiro's hands be on your bare skin.

"Someones needy, aren't they?"

"'shiro, please I want you. I've been waiting for this."

He hums, giving you a small nod as his hands sneak up your shirt. Helping you strip out of your clothes before falling suite with his own.

His hands grope your breasts squeezing lightly to get a reaction out of you. Which you give through a small moan. The noise is just enough to get him going though.

Spreading your legs and holding them open with his knees he slides his fingers over your folds, getting a grasp for how wet you were for him.

The more he teased the more you squirmed under him, small begs passing through your lips. Begging for him to hurry up.

"Taishiro, please stop teasing me I cant wait anymore~"

He only smiles in response, placing his cock at your entrance. Having done this just a week ago he was more than ready to plunge into the depth. Slowly thrusting into you allowing you to adjust.

You whine out his name, back slightly arching off the bed in ecstasy. Clenching around him your eyes clouded with list at the sensual yet familiar feeling of him filling you up.

He thrusts harder, finding a sweet rhythmatic pace that made the both of you feel good. Not too fast, but not too slow either. The perfect momentum between the two of you.

Leaning down to kiss you, he finds himself smiling like a little kid, happier than ever to be with you in this moment.

"'m close baby, where do you want my cum?"

"Anywhere, I dont care."

Satisfied with that response he thrusts into you a few more times before pulling out and letting his cum cover your lower abdomen.

"I told you I loved you babe, is that enough to prove it?"

"More than I could have ever asked for."

[daydreamingintheimpalax]

Little Beginnings

Dean X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of cheating, mentions of pregnancy, possible swearing. 

A/N: Just a little something i wanted to write. Dean’s 40, Reader is 28. 

                                           ************************

You were fucking late, again. Dean was an amazing boss, and an even better friend, but just because he was a super sweet guy, didn’t mean he was going to keep letting you get away with being late. To be fair, you were about 6 months pregnant, and it did cause for a lot of doctors appointments, which Dean had driven you to a few times when Andy was too busy at work. 

Your fiance Andy and you had been engaged for the last year, deciding you were going to wait a while before getting married, Andy was up for a possible big promotion at his design company and he wanted to focus on his work, which you more than understood, so the couple times he’d failed to be there for some of the milestone appointments, you relied on the bus, making you late, opting Dean to offer to drive you so the other staff members would stop harrassing him about special treatment. I mean, you were pregnant, and it wasn’t your fault the appointments ran longer than usual and you’d missed the bus one too many times. 

The bell above the auto shop jingled, signaling that you were finally at work, you were out of breath, stopping slightly to hold your belly. “I’m here, i’m here, i’m so sorry, it was suppsed to be a simple scan and then she thought she saw something and wanted to do a more extensive exam, and i promise next time i’ll just have her reschedule for my day off.” You gasped, out of breath from running all the way from the bus stop, all the extra weight making it harder to move fast. 

Dean waved his hand dismissively, you could see he was sort of lost, trying to work the register, Dean wasn’t good at the front end work, he was however the best mechanic in town, so he handled the cars and you handled the cash. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, not your fault, if the doctor said you needed it then she must have been worried,” he finally stops and looks at you concerned, “Everything okay? are you and the baby okay?” He asks and you smile widely. 

“SHE and i are just fine, she was just being squirmy.” You jump a little in place, finally having found out the sex. Dean’s eyes widen and a pure look of excitement and joy crosses his face.

“No way? It’s a girl?” He asks and you nod, squealing. Dean lets out a laugh and makes his way over, pulling you into him, not caring that he’s in his greasy work coveralls. “Congratulations, sweetheart!!” He speaks, placing a small kiss to your head. 

He smells like car oil, a little musk from all the sweating from working in the extreme heat and the lingering scent of his aftershave and bodywash. It comforts you, you take a breath, taking in the smell, the familiar smell, Dean has always welcomed you with open arms, making you feel perfectly at home in his auto shop for the last 4 years. He had made you feel loved and valued when your own parents basically banished you for being pregnant before being married. If they had their way, you would’ve been married years ago, they had their opinions and beleifs and you didn’t follow them, and because of it, they hadn’t spoken to you since you told them the news. 

“Have you told Andy yet?” He smiles, you shake your head, moving around him to show him how to open the cash. “Not yet, we’re suppsed to have dinner tonight, i was going to tell him then.” You smile, hardly containing your excitement. You open the register and Dean let’s out a small ‘yes’ before squishing your face, “What am i going to do without you while you’re gone.” He speaks and pinches your nose. You shove his hand away.

“You’ll be fine, plus if you need anything, call. No questions asked, just call.” You smile widely and he returns it. 

The rest of your shift goes smoothly, you count the register at the end of the day, Dean cleans up and changes, grease still on him but for the most part he got it off, he waits for you and like a true well raised gentleman, he drives you home, not wanting you to walk or take the bus alone at night. 

                                  ************************************

When you walk into your apartment, you don’t see Andy on the couch watching tv like he usually is, you assume maybe hes making dinner, since you are home much earlier than expected, the shop hadn’t been overly busy and Dean was so good with cars he had finished all his jobs for the day early.

You hang your coat up and walk into the kitchen, expecting to see Andy cooking, instead, your greeted with silence, with two almost empty plates on your kitchen table, but the part that makes your heart sink into your stomach is the two wine glasses, one, which has a very clear lipstick mark on it. 

A bang comes from your bedroom upstairs, the fire in you already ready to explode. You make your way upstairs, and before you realize it, your swinging your bedroom door open, a woman is sprawled on your bed, her ass in the air as your fiance drills her from behind, his one hand gripping her hair as the other rests on the headboard, she lets out a scream and he swears under his breath. Finally able to speak you clear your throat. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!” You yell and Andy freezes, the girl letting out a whine before she finally peels her head from your pillow. Your fucking god damn pillow. 

“Oh my god, who is that.” She squeals before yaking herself off the bed and away from him, holding your blanket to cover herself up. 

“I’m his fiance, his pregnant fiance. Who the fuck are you!” you scream, livid. 

Andy is up, blanket around his waist before he’s walking towards you. “Baby, this isn’t- i uh- i can explain.” He stumbles over his words, not knowing what to do or say.

You glare at him, “How long?” you ask, he shakes his head confused. “How long have you been fucking her? and don’t you dare fucking lie to me right now Andy!” You scream and he flinches, not used to your high vocals right now. 

He sighs, “Since you told me about the pregnancy.” He admits, running a hand through his hair, “Listen, i need to explain, i just, i needed a break, everything with the pregnancy has been too much to handle and im stressed with work, now the pregnany, i just, i needed to get away from it all.” He speaks and soon enough you’re in his face. 

“What are you sick of Andy? The fact you have barely been home since i told you about it? or the fact you haven’t been to one single appointment? Not the first time we got to see it, not the first time we got to hear the heartbeat, and now, you couldn’t be bothered to come find out the sex with me, it’s a girl, FYI, you havent been around for any of it. So what exactly are you sick of? you’re a worthless piece of shit, and i never want to see you again. Go fuck yourself.” You finish it off with a slap to his face, the contact is so loud, even the girl behind him flinches. 

She gives you a small smile when you make eye contact. “I’m really sorry, i didn’t know, he never mentioned you or the baby, if i had known...” she pauses, obvious guilt in her face. You shrug, “I know, do yourself a favour, find a better man to give yourself to, trust me, this one isn’t worth it.” You tell her, she swallows before grabbing her clothes and leaving the room, but not before glaring at Andy herself, “Don’t ever call me again.” She spits at him and he flinches, he tries to get close to you and you back away, skaking your head. 

“No, i’m leaving.” You spit out and he frowns, a little angry. “Where are you going? You’re pregnant and you know damn well your parents won’t take you back in.” He says it with a tone, almost like he’s proud to know that’s true, without them, you have nowhere to go. 

“I’ll figure something out, i haven’t needed you for the last 6 months, and obviously i still don’t.” You state, grabbing the prepared hospital bag you had done two months ago, for the most part it had enough stuff in it to get you by for a few days and you’d eventually come back for the rest of your stuff, preferably when Andy was away at work.

You storm out, getting into the car you had spent years saving to get, you had bought it on your own, but had decided since Andy made more money that he needed it more. As you drive away, you can hear Andy shouting, you roll down your window and catch the ending. 

“You stupid bitch, how the fuck am i supposed to get to work!” He shouts, you laugh, “Take a bus, asshole. I paid for the car!” Before you’re peeling out of what is no longer your drive way.

                                               ****************************

Dean’s surprised when he hears his phone ring, he isn’t expecting any calls, usually Sam is the only one who calls him, to be honest, he’s pretty much lonely most of the time. 

 Sammy tries to call each week, but he’s usually busy with work or the kids so usually Dean’s alone. Some days he wishes he had done what Sam did, settle down with a nice girl, have some babies, but most of the women he had dated just wanted the idea of a hardworking attractive man by their side, when it came down to it, they backed off when they realized he’d wanted more. it worked out for the best, none of the women in his life had ever truly been longterm material, sometimes he regretted having too much fun and not enough substance, airheads only stayed interesting for so long. 

It’s 8:30 pm and he had just finished making one of his best pasta dishes if he does say so himself. He was about to dig in and turn on some criminal minds when his phone had gone off, he stares at it, not recognizing the number. 

“Hello?” He speaks and a feminine voice is heard, “Hi, may i please speak to Mr. Dean Winchester?” She asks and he clears his throat, “Uh, speaking, who is this?” he raises a brow and his heart sinks slightly when he hears her speak. 

“Hi Mr. Winchester, my name is Sadie and i am calling on behalf of Miss Y/N Y/L/N, i’m a nurse at memorial hospital and Y/N was in a small car accident earlier and she had you listed as her second  emergency contact, she refused to allow me to call her first contact.” She speaks, Dean’s barely listened, he interupts her, completely worried why he’s being called.

“What? Where is Y/n, is she okay? is the baby okay? what happened?” He talks a mile a minute before the nurse calms him down. 

“She and the baby are fine, she is however a little shaken up, can we ask that you come down here, maybe take her home, she refuses anymore help insisting she’s fine and she wont let us call her fiance.” The nurse sighs and Dean agrees. 

He reaches the hospital in 15 minutes, rushing through the place to find y/n. Eventually he finds the nurse that called and he’s led straight to the room you’re in, you’re sitting in the bed, hands on your belly, moving them around and smiling when you feel your baby move. He let’s out a relieved sigh to see you’re okay, and thankfully, still pregnant. 

“Y/N?” He speaks and your head shoots up, you let out a soft smile, he can tell you’ve been crying. “Hey Dee, glad to see you own something other than flannel and ripped jeans.” You smirk, he looks down at his sweat pants and hoddie, smiling to himself before letting out a small chuckle. 

“Theyre my comfy clothes, shut up.” He teases and you giggle. He moves closer, sitting on your bed near you. “You wanna tell me what the hell happened, sweetheart?” He asks and you look down, focused on your hands on your belly, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“After you drove me home, i walked in on Andy fucking some girl in doggy on our bed, i was furious and yelled at him before slapping him and leaving, i grabbed my to go bag and didn’t even care if it wasn’t enough and left, i took my car and just drove off, i didn’t really know where to go and i started crying because Andy was right about my parents probably not wanting me back, so i cried harder and i guess i couldn’t see clearly and went off road. It wasn’t bad, but i sorta put some dents and bumps in it, a jogger found me and insisted i go to a hospital and called the abulance.” You shrugged. 

Dean scoffed, “Are you fucking serious, the nerve of that jackass, i swear if i ever see him i’m gonn-” You cut him off. “Dee, it’s not worth it, i’m mostly just mad at myself for not seeing it, the missed appointments, the constant late nights, he didn’t want this, the marriage, the pregnancy, he wasn’t ready, i should’ve figured it out, i should’ve seen it.” You shrug softly, wiping a tear from your eye.

Dean sighs, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “Hey, listen to me, this isn’t your fault, you didn’t force him to have sex with you, and you sure as hell didn’t get pregnant on purpose, if he didn’t want a kid, he should’ve kept his shit wrapped. He’s the asshole in this situation, not you. As for where to go, you should’ve called me, you know i always have your back. You’re staying with me,” you’re about to interupt him but he shuts you up with a hand, “No, no talking, and i’m not leaving you alone, you’re moving in with me and that’s final.” You huff and pout, making him roll his eyes. 

“Don’t try to cute your way outta this, and don’t be stubborn, i got plenty of space not being used, i could use the company.” You huff, “Fine, but at least let me pitch in for rent..” He cuts you off, “No. I’m not charging you, save your money for the baby stuff your gonna need, just help me keep my fridge stocked and we’ll call it even, i’m a bad grocery shopper.” He smiles, you roll your eyes but agree. 

                                        *****************************

“Hey dee?” You speak as he drives you back to his place, “Yeah?” he hums as he fiddles with the radio before landing on a station. You look over at him and smile. 

“Why can’t all the guys in the world be more like you?” You smile softly and he chuckles, “That wouldn’t make me one of a kind now would it darlin,” he shoots you a wink and you laugh, shaking your head. 

“No seriously though, thank you, for everything, the job, the constant rides, always making sure im eating, getting my vitamins and water intake, always keeping your mini fridge in your office stocked with snacks, you’re literally amazing, and i don’t think i could’ve handled this whole siatuation well if it wasn’t for you. At this point, you’ve done more for me and this little girl than her father has, i need you to know how much i appreciate you.” You reach over, grabbing his hand and he looks over and smiles.

“I know y/n, don’t you worry about it. Besides, one of you already has me wrapped around her finger, what’s one more? Hmm?” He smirks, laughing at your shocked face. You shake your head at him, smiling as parks the car in his driveway. You both get out of the car, but before Dean can walk to his door, you pull him back towards you.

He’s surprised at first then melts into the kiss, wrapping his arms around your slightly big middle, he chuckles and pulls away when he feels movement in your belly. You laugh softly, “I think she likes you, she’s all excited.” You smile, letting him place his hand on your belly, feeling all the movement going on. 

He smiles gently, “yeah well, i like her too, i really REALLY like her mom though.” He states, leaning in to kiss you yet again. 

                                     ********************************

Tags: @akshi8278

[books-and-dragons]

pegoryu (pre-established) post-interrogation hurt/comfort fic. has mentions of nightmares, trauma, and implied physical assault. unedited and for that i big apologise in advance

___________

okay!!! so this fic has been sitting in my drafts for months (lol what else is knew i know, shush i’m getting to the point) and i was supposed to post it on ao3 at the same time as i did a couple of others, however never got around to it bc it needed editing and im too lazy for that

likelihood is, i will edit and post to ao3 at some point, but it needs some BIG rennovations and i just can’t be arsed atm

so yeah, apologies for the shoddy writing in advance xoxo

but for now, i wanted to post it on here. today. as a sign of goodwill for the year to come. (ie. i own p5r, still havent played it, need to play it, and hope posting this will kick me into gear)

so, hope you enjoy!! and lmao if not it’ll just get buried as i start to revive this blog so,...win win?

In the first few nights since the interrogation, Ryuji stayed awake, listening to the fragile shudders of Akira’s breath in the night. So sensitive to every breath of air restricted by broken ribs, Ryuji hadn’t needed to look across the room, to gaze at the beaten figure on the bed, to know how his face was contorted in pain- unmasked in sleep.

He refused to so much as close his eyes until Akira’s breathing levelled out, still shuddering and restricted by pain, but deep enough to assure him that Akira was asleep. Only then, Ryuji allowed himself to rest.

Nobody else stayed the night. They lingered until the last train, crowded around the attic bedroom, gaze worriedly resting on Akira until the final second, where they’d leave with the accompanying chime of Leblanc’s door closing. But not Ryuji.

Ryuji, who had refused to leave Akira’s side since the moment he’d returned to their arms, beaten and drugged up, hardly coherent, but so relievingly and perfectly alive.

Akira hadn’t been alone since, Ryuji ensured that much. Torn over so much as going across the road for a bath, he couldn’t leave the other boy alone- something pulled at him to never let that happen, a pit of fear in the bottom of his stomach that pulled at his every nerve.

Maybe it had something to do with the nightmares, the visions of Akira lying broken on cold tile, at the mercilessly unrelenting hands of the police, the images of Akira lying dead, blood pooling from his head, the way the images seemed to haunt him even when awake- but there was no point reading into it. It wasn’t important, especially not now.

What mattered was that when he woke up, breath haggard and skin shining with sweat under the light of outdoor streetlamps, Akira never woke. Wasn’t even perturbed. 

Ryuji tried to be thankful for it, tried not to think about why Akira was suddenly such a deep sleeper. Ignored the puncture wounds on his neck, the bottle of painkillers by his bedside. Akira was resting, and that was enough.

Even if it didn’t make sense that, when morning rose, the dark circles under Akira’s eyes had grown. That he tried to muffle pained yawns behind bandaged hands, and begged for more coffee- even though Takemi had put him on a temporary ban.

Because Ryuji had seen him sleeping, watched the rise and fall of his chest as Ryuji reminded himself that Akira was alive and safe, it was the sight that lulled him back to sleep from a nightmare. So why did Akira always look so tired?

He tried not to let his growing concern show, there was already so much to be worried about, he didn’t want to add another. Especially not when it could be nothing but his own annoying thoughts.

It wasn’t until the next night, after a particularly painful and thorough visit from Takemi earlier that day, that Ryuji started to reconsider.

Blearily opening his eyes to the dark lighting of the attic, Ryuji didn’t need a clock to know it was well into the middle of the night, and that he’d been woken up from his sleep, again.

But it was weird. There was none of the usual constricting fear, the blind panic- he’d hardly even started seeing the figure of a beaten Akira surrounded by shadow, let alone begun imagining the worst. 

About to blame it on the lumpy and painful springs of the couch and try to fall back asleep, Ryuji caught it. Quiet, as if muffled by something, but just loud enough to penetrate through the silence in the attic and reach Ryuji: crying.

No. Not crying.

Sobbing.

Ice burning in his stomach, he carefully lifted the blanket and rose, wary of creaking springs and the sound of rustling fabric, towards the shaking figure on the bed.

His voice was barely above a whisper, carrying clearly and softly through the silence as he carefully extended an arm, not touching, only hovering, “Akira?”

The responding flinch broke Ryuji’s heart all the more, as a head rose from under the covers, bloodshot eyes wide and darting around the room in panic, hair wildly askew. 

Moving as slowly as he dared, Ryuji sat at the side of the bed, “Hey, it’s okay, it’s only me.”

As the mattress shifted under him, Akira froze. Muscles tight and unyielding, back as ramrod straight as his broken ribs would allow, the entire body braced for something Ryuji didn’t even want to think about. His gaze was distant, somewhere far away from Leblanc, from the blond sat right beside him.

It reminded Ryuji of his Ma, in the months after the divorce. Curled up together on the dingy bed, they’d cling to each other so tight even in sleep, waking up in the morning sweaty and sometimes a little uncomfortable, never minding because they woke feeling completely safe. But there were the nights when his Ma’s screams would wake him in the early hours, recoiling and shaking even in her sleep. Ryuji would sit upright and watch over her until sunrise, would try to pull her from the memories he knew haunted her. Haunted them both.

Looking at Akira, the striking familiarity of the situation made him want to hurl.

He didn’t move, no matter how strong the urge was to reach out and console his hurting best friend. Instead, he kept his voice quiet, just audible above the laboured sobs, and waited.

“You’re okay, Akira. You’re safe, I’m not goin’ anywhere, alright? You’ve got me, it’s okay-”

Slowly, the frantic scanning of the room stopped. Staring at the artificial yellow light that bathed Leblanc’s street, following it into the shadows of the attic, where dark figures seemed to fade away. The flash of blond in his vision, perfectly still, aside from the hushed mutterings leaving chapped lips.

Akira focused on that sound. It felt safe.

As Ryuji uttered soft words of reassurance, he watched the tension slowly leave Akira’s body. Shoulders slightly slouched, jaw unclenched, his lip was bleeding- but he could worry about that later. All that mattered was the softening of Akira’s lines, as he slowly came back to Ryuji.

Delicately as he dared, he reached out. Hand brushing against bruised skin, careful not to as much as press on the marred areas. For a moment, there was no response. He waited, watching the panic continue to leave until, slightly trembling, Akira’s hand interlaced with his own.

“Ryuji?” The hazed look in his eyes was clearing, staring at Ryuji with a newly discovered relief, which was quickly overtaken by shame, “Shit- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, just go back to sleep I’m fine-”

“Hey no, no man it’s okay, really-” Feeling Akira begin to pull away, Ryuji let his thumb run over the back of his hand, determinedly meeting Akira’s gaze, “I don’t mind.”

Akira opened his mouth, ready to retort and insist, but found himself silenced by the look in the other boy’s eyes. Ryuji’s hand was warm, and for a moment Akira forgot there were even any injuries there at all, thumb tracing over them with such a delicate touch he hadn’t known the blond to have possessed.

Staring into Ryuji’s eyes, he wondered at how they were always so open and unguarded, never with anything to hide- a true reflection of his best friend, passionate and honest to a fault. It was something Akira had often envied, that ability to always be his true self, to freely display his emotions. 

He almost took that back now, staring back into deep brown eyes. Eyes which so clearly reflected hurt and worry.

The raw concern so honestly displayed to him that, just in this moment, Akira decided he would allow himself to be vulnerable. Just this one time. Knowing that, as they had done for each other so many times before, Ryuji would never judge.

Hesitantly, Akira pulled his hand out of Ryuji’s and, ignoring the concerned look he got in return, allowed his hand to trace higher, around his forearm, pulling him closer with a silent plea.

As always, Ryuji understood.

Carefully reaching out, Ryuji wrapped his arms around Akira, pulling him to his chest. His touch is firm, but cautious of the bruising and bandages decorating Akira’s abdomen. Even then, careful as he was, the occasional shift sent twinges of pain up Akira’s spine. And yet, he found he didn’t mind- not when he was so surrounded by warmth and comfort and the steady beat of Ryuji’s heart just audible through his chest, that for a minute Akira feels like he can just forget-

Somehow, Ryuji shifts so they’re leaning against the back wall, Akira’s head resting high on Ryuji’s chest, ear pressed to his left side. Logically, Ryuji supposed now would be a good time to ask about what just happened, about the dark circles under Akira’s eyes and the fear still lingering when he caught sight of shadows in the room- but there would be other opportunities. When Akira wasn’t so damn exhausted and clinging to Ryuji like he’s the final lifeline holding Akira together. When neither of them would be waking up in the middle of the night, a frenzied mess, and worrying about suspicious strangers in public and carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Yeah, there would be other times to talk. But for now, Ryuji would stay with Akira and listen as his breathing mellowed out into deep breaths, as his grip on the blond weakened and he cuddled closer still, lost to the throes of sleep.

Ryuji will stay with him until the sun rises.

Neither of them were plagued by nightmares for the rest of the night.

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.