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steveyockey · 4 years ago

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so what r ur thoughts on dean seeing cas as not-human how does that fit into his Feelings about cas? did they work to bury them or was it like oh well this is obvs not gonna go anywhere he’s a talking dog. was he self aware in the trap? did self awareness and understanding slam into him post-15x18?

oh this is gonna be a long one

not to be too by-the-book on this, but to start with your last question, I’m absolutely on board with jensen’s post 15.18 explanation (which I will link here) that, even in the moments leading up to the confession, dean still conceptualized of cas as a celestial being who thinks in a way that “might not be comprehensible by a human heart or by a human brain.”

in my interpretation of his response, he was trying to counteract the narrative he had seen on social media (he admitted to doing a little investigation into how people were reacting) that dean was unresponsive on account of his rejection of cas/“holding back a slur.” I think it’s actually a really genius move that he completely reoriented the conversation away from sexuality to clarify what he as the character was thinking in this moment — it wasn’t oh my god a person I perceive as a man is confessing his love to me, another man, in a way that’s unquestionably not heterosexual but instead this creature I have built up in my mind as too vast and powerful for pitiful human emotions is telling me the thing I never knew I wanted to hear most in the world and this articulation should be impossible for his being, especially considering I am not worthy of this level of attention from a cosmic entity. which I think is also reflective of his general understanding of cas at all times, not necessarily at the forefront of his mind but part of the landscape of awareness, which, as I stated previously, dean deals with by diminishing cas. he’s a baby in a trench coat, a little nerdy dude with wings, and of course, kind of like a talking dog. because if you can’t come to terms with something vast, you might need to pretend it’s actually quite small. and when the vast thing seems to willingly live in your house, you need to reason with that in a way that makes it something involuntary, like animal devotion. and if this vast thing also is the object of your affection and makes you feel protective in the way that you know death herself would make you watch him die because that would be more painful to you that the loss of your own life, you might talk about him in a way that dismisses his agency.

I think it’s important to clarify that I don’t think dean lacks all awareness of cas’s feelings for him before 15.18. I mean, they have a child together. they watch movies together, they drink beers together, they are in a lot of ways already living in ambiguous bachelor paradise. repression isn’t a single action but an endless cycle of questioning/hoping/fearing/cordoning/etc. it’s not a question of whether dean represses his feelings for cas or if he understands his feelings to be pointless since they can never be consummated, he’s dealing with both of those tracks simultaneously. there’s even an additional track where he entertains that cas does have feelings for him but thinks their current relationship is the best it’s ever gonna get due to 1. internalized homo/biphobia (which functions as both an internal and external deterrent, internal in that being gay/bi does not comport with dean’s allowed reading of self and external in that to embrace a relationship with a man would be to willingly expose both of them to additional cruelty), 2. the idea that, even if cas has feelings for dean, they are of such a fundamentally different substance it would disservice both of them to try to make it work, and 3. his ingrained belief that love is a weakness which will be taken advantage of.

obviously a lot of this logic is completely annihilated by the confession; cas names love as a strength and classifies his feelings as deeply human. it’s not so much that his words unbury what dean had buried but that they decimate the narrative he bought into that clarifying the feelings of either party would ruin their relationship. I think the sexuality conundrum also dissolves at this point, just on account of dean having a willing object of affection. it’s not about loving men, it’s about loving cas.

of course the trap is essential to this moment, but I would say it’s actually most significant not for what it says about how dean interprets cas’s feelings but how dean views his own feelings. dean’s prayer is really the first time the entire show he’s held himself accountable for his supposedly righteous anger. he’s deliberately breaking his own rules to never give voice to the meaning of their relationship and also to never give voice to his failings in a way that isn’t self-serving. he’s acknowledging their bond while acknowledging he has responsibility over the harm he does even when this harm is something that he’s been taught to tacitly accept as the price of the ticket — because he’s harmed cas (something that shouldn’t even be possible in his reading of cas as foreign). and he’s only speaking this aloud because the relationship is fractured and he thinks cas could be dead and the one thing dean understands without question is life without cas is not worth living. I do think the prayer mutually deepens the understanding both characters have of their relationship, but it isn’t enough on its own to shake for dean the idea that cas feels in a different way, albeit one significant enough to make him decenter the rage he has long viewed as core to his being. if the prayer is a decentering process, the confession is a recentering process. cas, previously assumed as unfeeling, and dean, previously assumed to only act in anger, both become characters motivated first and foremost by love.

#this is an ask i got after last night's 'cas is kind of like a talking dog' breakdown #anon #spn #ziz watches spn #one day i will learn to stop talking #i honestly don't even know if i answered the question here #everyone who thought we weren't going to tumblr university today - surprise!

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destieltropecollection · 4 years ago

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Destiel Trope Collection 2021 | Day 1: Fallen!Cas

In A Fortress of Pine Trees | @mistofstars Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,380 Main Tags/Warnings: Endverse, Croatoan, 2014, 5x04, Smut, bottom!Dean, Angst, Top!Cas Summary: Future!Dean / Future!Castiel "Cas", he finally exhales. "I could need one of your amazing hippie massages right now" -it starts with a simple massage and ends somewhere else; Dean gives in to long neglected needs... DESTIEL in 2014

The Warmth of your skin | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,414 Main Tags/Warnings: Sharing Body Heat, Hurt!Cas, First Kiss, Naked Cuddling, Sharing a Bed, no explicit sex, human!Cas Summary: Dean and Castiel are in the middle of a forest, when a snowstorm surprises them in the middle of the summer. To make their luck perfect, Castiel breaks into the ice of a lake. There is only one way to survive this cold. Body Heat.

Are We Human? | @one-more-offbeat-anthem

Rating: General Word Count: 3,766 Main Tags/Warnings: human!/fallen!Castiel, first kiss, love confessions, pet cats Summary: After losing his grace, Cas struggles with being human. Dean tries to help him out—and in showing the former angel how to find joy in the little things, starts to find joy himself (if he's brave enough to reach for it). And also discovers that maybe cats aren't so bad.

The End Of The Beginning | @vampamber

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,885 Main Tags/Warnings: ABO, omega Dean, alpha Cas, endverse, endverse Cas, heat, pwp, S5E4 The End, there's a sequel Summary: He just wished that Zach-y boy had picked a better time. Dean could feel those deep seated aches in his abdomen that could only mean he was a day or so away from his damn heat starting. Hopefully he could learn his little lesson before he had to lock himself away for a few days to keep himself from presenting to every damn alpha in a five mile radius. He usually took suppressants, but dealing with Lucifer had kind of taken front seat just long enough for Dean to miss a few too many doses. “Damn it,” he muttered to himself as he rubbed at his wrists, finally free. He wandered out to see where the hell he was. It was an old summer camp, that much he could tell, but that was about it. But as weird as all this was, as unreal and impossible as it had to be, the most mind blowing part was definitely Cas. Fuzzy, stoned out of his gourd, sex guru to a gathering of betas and omegas Cas. Cas, who smelled so strongly of alpha and everything that Dean had ever wanted that he had to shift himself when the guy wasn't looking to try and hide the quickly growing erection in his pants, praying that he wouldn't slick right through his jeans.

Finally Realized | @vampamber

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4,018 Main Tags/Warnings: ABO, alpha Cas, omega Dean, Dean in heat, human Cas, first time, porn with plot Summary: Dean is sick in bed, so Sam calls in a now-human Cas to come and take care of the cranky patient while he escapes goes on a hunt. Dean cooperates with Cas, but it just figures, when the cold is finally gone, his heat takes its place. Now denial stops being an options as Dean begs Cas for the thing he's always wanted, but could never admit to.

Sweet Cherry Pie | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4,801 Main Tags/Warnings: No archive warnings apply, first kiss, first time, friends to lovers, top dean/bottom cas Summary: Dean takes the newly-human Cas to a diner to try some new foods. Cas wants more than a taste.

Tick Tock Goes The Clock | @vampamber

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 5,784 Main Tags/Warnings: ABO, omega Dean, alpha Cas, human Cas, alcohol as a coping mechanism, implied mpreg, angst, porn with plot, drunken confessions, drunken sex Summary: It was a well known fact that every omega had a metaphorical biological clock ticking away inside of them, just waiting to spring the alarm and make the poor guy or girl go just a wee bit baby crazy. And as much as Dean Winchester tried to deny it, mostly to himself, the one inside him was gonna blow at any second. Even though Dean would never admit it to anybody, especially his brother, he had always felt pretty maternal towards Lisa's son, Ben. He’d always wanted a nice, big family with plenty of pups of his own, ever since he had presented as an omega as a teenager. At least, whenever John hadn't been pressuring him to act like the alpha his dad thought he should've been, that is. It had only gotten worse when Sam presented as a beta, so Dean had shoved that dream so far back in his mind that he completely forgot about it ninety-five percent of the time. That was exactly why the omega knew that his biological clock was gonna kick his ass any day now. Where he used to mostly forget about the idea of having a bunch of pups, it was now taking up the vast majority of his thoughts lately.

I Been Blind | @jemariel

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 22,387 Main Tags/Warnings: Human!Cas, porn-watching, masturbation, mutual pining, porn with feelings, suggestion of m/f and m/m/f sex (in porn), oral sex, frottage, anal fingering, suggestion of bottom!Cas. Summary: Castiel is in love with humanity. At least, so long as he's not the one experiencing it. A lighthearted smutty romp wherein Dean helps Cas navigate the tricky minefield of human needs.

Roaming in the Dark (WIP) | @casbelieves

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 24,624 Main Tags/Warnings: Major Character Death, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drug Addiction, Explicit Sexual Content, Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Bottom!Cas, Top!Dean, Heavy Angst, Smut, Fallen Angels, Apocalypse, Croatoan Virus, Canonverse, Minor Character Death Summary: A reimagined look into how "The End" came to be. Castiel does not return to heaven after he rescues Dean from his stint in an apocalyptical 2014. The brothers don't reunite. The angels do fall. A dangerous and deadly virus spreads worldwide. But, without fail, Castiel follows Dean and, perhaps, that is his only fault.

Room A Thousand Years Wide | @mittensmorgul

Rating: Mature Word Count: 34,921 Main Tags/Warnings: Case Fic, Getting Together, Long-Suffering Sam Winchester Summary: Once the world and their lives are finally their own, and Cas has chosen humanity once and for all, he begins to find a new routine of daily life with Dean. Sam doesn't know how much longer he can take their apparently oblivious platonic domesticity, when their regularly scheduled evening goes out the window with a single text message from someone they never expected to hear from again. Ex-Ghostfacer Ed Zeddmore is afraid he's stumbled over something too big to let slide, and sends them a link to a potentially dangerous Ghostfacer wannabe, and a case that isn't at all what it appears to be on the surface. What they uncover dredges up a lot of interesting feelings all around, and they must finally face a few ghosts of their own.

Empty Spaces | @thisisapaige

Rating: Mature Word Count: 48,411 Main Tags/Warnings: Angst, Drug Use, Drug Abuse, Drug Withdrawl, Fallen Castiel, Pre-series Dean, Canonverse, Internalized Biphobia, Slow Burn, Canon-Typical Violence, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort Summary: [Castiel] found the colour. It was a green, one of the few gentle colours at the edges of his dreams and the one he tried to capture in his paintings, never quite finding the right hue. He spent so long chasing the colours, trying to find it though pills and needles, but they always evaded his grasp. Yet he found one, right here, hiding in the eyes of a stranger. He studied the colour, the subtle differences between dark and light, the little flecks of gold nearly hidden in the sea of green, the ring around the outside. He studied it, trying to commit the colour to memory. The other man cleared his throat. “Uh, dude?” Oh. Castiel forgot the colour was attached to a person. ~~~ What if Castiel had fallen before the start of the series and met Dean on a routine hunt? Set in the spring before Dean goes to find Sam in Stanford.

Gates of Bronze and Bars of Iron | iCeDreams (AO3)

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 80,466 Main Tags/Warnings: Season 9 Divergent, Dean in Heaven Summary: Dean realizes that staying in Heaven and catching endless fish isn't living up to its hype. Especially since the gates of Heaven are still closed and there are no angels to guide you in the hereafter. Castiel is surviving Earth, fallen and human until a reaper brings his attention to a hunt forcing him to seek out his fallen brothers.

#destiel trope collection 2021 #day 1 #fallen!cas #destiel #supernatural #fanfic

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basilhearsanoise · 3 years ago

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pleaseee elaborate on your homophobic sam take. it’s very compelling. i always thought sam’s early plotline with the demon blood was a queer allegory, but your explanation for his attitude towards dean’s bisexuality makes a lot of sense now that i think about it

WOW I'M A REAL SUPERNATURAL BLOG NOW YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS MADE MY DAY I WILL ABSOLUTELY ELABORATE THANK YOU

there are So Many Layers i probably won't even be able to get them all down but here's some major ones. from the get-go, sam is The Opposite of dean on so many issues, and essentially throughout the show they flip. this is most notably demonstrated by the fact that sam starts out as a Devout Christian (or at least we are to assume that he is christian given his approach to prayer, god, angels, etc) and by the end of the show sam is completely and utterly devoid of faith. whereas dean is like If There's A God In Heaven, What's He Waiting For? - Elton John.mp3 in the beginning of the show, and by the end he's like "i have faith in humanity, in spirituality, in CASTIEL, in MY SON JACK," by the end. but this is just one of the MANY issues they flip back and forth on, or just slowly and surely change their perspectives to be more like the way the other brother started.

1. should we tell people there are monsters? dean says "we can't tell anyone they exist the whole world will panic" vs. sam says "they have a RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT'S OUT THERE"

but also. are all monsters evil? dean says "yes, they kill innocent people and they killed my mother and destroyed my life, they ALL deserve to die" but sam says "SOME of them must be good....it's not THEIR FAULT they're disgusting, evil and eat people uwu"

monsters/cryptids/spirits/folklore etc have virtually always been, in some way shape or form, a queer allegory themselves. the shapeshifter arc spoke to me as a trans person on a deep personal level. dracula was essentially racist propaganda. so if we take this allegory to supernatural, and say, "acceptance of monsters = acceptance of queerness" dean's hatred of them is a hatred of himself, his own inner monster, his own internalized homophobia - in addition to the fact that because he IS a queer man who has been VICTIM to REAL VIOLENT homophobia before, it would make sense that he is #antifa #acab #kill all the nazis forever #don't waste time trying to make monsters good when you could save good people from them instead. which is like. a reasonable response to have to a group of people that systematically try to kill you. but that also makes sam's "oh pity the monster dean, don't kill it, FORGIVE, JUST GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO ~ REPENT ~ THEIR SINS" ....like, even in later seasons he is saying stuff like this, and while it's true that dean SHOULD forgive some of the monsters that sam says this about, it still reads to me as two major red flags of 1. forgive your abusers to be the better person and 2. "hate the sin, not the sinner" rhetoric. sam doesn't actually give a shit about any of these monsters he gives a shit about keeping his own ideological purity. he sounds like scary youth pastors i had as a child.

this is further demonstrated by the fact that as dean becomes more accepting of his sexuality as the show goes on, he becomes more accepting of monsters. that's benny's ENTIRE EXISTENCE AS A CHARACTER: "i accept this vampire because he is honorable, and manly, and looks really fuckin cute in suspenders." that's also why sam hates benny so much even though he's the one who's been like "but monsters can be good T__T" this whole time. what the fuck other reason would he have to hate benny so much?

this is also CLEARLY the ENTIRE subtext of the Demon Dean arc - Sam FLIPS OUT about him going off with crowley because he could FORGIVE one little crush on an angel, because of the fact that he's an angel, and also because dean wasn't "shoving his unholy lifestyle down everyone's throats" but demon dean is....loudly, angrily, gay. demon dean is a manifestation of all the gayness that dean has suppressed his whole life and now he's "too indecent" for sam. this is FURTHER demonstrated by the fact that crowley literally yells at dean to "pick a side" after demon dean sides with the slighted wife in a demon deal instead of the cheating husband, literally because of the fact that the husband says "men are just supposed to sleep around" and dean gets so mad about this sexism that he kills him.

this is dean not only rejecting sexism more than sam literally ever actually does in the show (everything he says about it reads to me as idle posturing Fake Woke Shit whereas dean is a sleazebag, but he's an Equal Opportunity sleazebag) but also his rejection of being pigeonholed as gay when he is, indeed, bisexual. crowley represents the biphobia that gay people enact on bi people, sam represents the homophobia that straight people enact on all queer people.

this brings me to the next part of sam's Not Niceness - he's like, actually 100% more misogynistic than dean is. i know i'm Not A Woman but like i am trans, queer, and not dumb. sam is a fucking sadist serial killer man who treats women like garbage the SECOND they are no longer useful to him, this is most clearly demonstrated when he doesn't have a "soul" but it existed in him basically from the get-go, he is painted as the "more emotionally mature one" but that reading became so inaccurate the show literally started making fun of his character for thinking that sappy fake shit could pass as sincere care for another human being. dean actually talks to women like they're people with feelings. he routinely identifies with the victims and is paralleled against them, especially if they are victims of childhood sexual assault. sam does not talk to women unless they serve some kind of purpose to his goals and is much more routinely depicted weirdly enjoying killing enemies that are women. sometimes not even for plot reasons, it's just weird shots that nobody thought to red flag because this show is. A MESS.

anyway. another example is the one that i mentioned in the post about the confederate soldier, the fact that sam is fucking racist and dean is at least, within the narrative, less racist.

ANYWAY, THERE'S STILL MORE I COULD TALK ABOUT BUT I'LL LEAVE IT AT THIS: sam is constantly telling dean that he's not being sensitive or poltically correct but every single time it comes off sounding like a straight person telling an actual gay person how not to be homophobic. like, please, sammy, touch grass. dean says: touch grass, kill nazis.

#supernatural #dean winchester #spn #soup #trans dean #bi dean #destiel #trans dean winchester #bi dean winchester #homophobic sam hot take

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wistfulrat · 4 years ago

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this week’s fics! feat. bakeries, bookshops, bisexual awakenings of the angsty and fluffy sort, wolfstar goddads being tender as hell, desi harry reconnecting with his culture, domestic drarry, a lap dance set to akon’s smack that, and more!

But That’s History by @ebbet - 54k - T Harry Potter starts his first year as Muggle Studies Professor only to find that Draco Malfoy has been hired to teach History of Magic.

listen to me. this is one of the funniest drarry fics i've ever read. i was cackling in my bed at 2am because harry’s internal monologues throughout this fic are unhinged. insanely quotable. “what was he, a lothario” and “you were crushing me with your muscular thighs!” are lines that live rent free in my empty head. harry has never played anything cool a day in his life. there’s a faculty meeting where the teachers are planning the yule ball and debating the merits of a DJ when harry decides he must defend his muggle-music-loving honor by dancing seductively to akon’s smack that while a blushing draco loses his mind. i fucking screamed. and the best part is that in between the comedic scenes threading the overall story, you have extremely tender moments of like, padma patil helping harry become a more rooted desi by sharing their cultural traditions, harry proudly donning his sherwani. draco wrestling with his past, going to harry’s lgbtq+ club for students, being sheepish with ron and hermione. ugh, comedic writers with emotional depth are clever and talented as hell!!

Realities, Unfurling by @ebbet - 45k - M Draco Malfoy is released from Azkaban into a changed world.

incredible collage-fic told from multiple povs. 8yrs post-war and everything’s changed. the current state of the magical world unfolds via slice-of-life snapshots from a truly stunning cast. non-binary harry whom is running a non-prof org dedicated to building tolerance and establishing equality for marginalized identities. post-prison-release draco whose life will be changed by the internet. neville’s tender relationship with blaise. andromeda’s fiercely protective mothering. remus and sirius being alive and very hot and just, the tender goddads harry deserved. cho chang being brilliant. baker pansy’s softened edges. found families abound. harry being flustered by their crush on draco and making personalized playlists on an iPod nano.

that all might sound narratively cluttered but the author more than pulls this off. glorious, start to finish.

Knead by @jovialobservationanchor (an @hd-erised fic) - 83k - E This is not a story about Harry renovating Grimmauld Place. This is a story about coffee shops and brewpubs, about Ginny and Luna on a farm with creatures, about magical Oregon, coastal road trips, flying, friendship, and Draco Malfoy's lean arms.

cinematic. a love letter to oregon’s expansive landscapes and lively cities. it’s harry finding home in unexpected places and people. in the vast silence of rolling fields, endless coasts, and starry night skies big enough to feel like you’re adrift in space. and it’s also the lingering, intimate quiet of early mornings in a bakery, sitting on a park bench overlooking the city as you eat ice cream next to your crush. it’s harry watching ginny and luna dance and work around each other like bees. it’s the slow unfolding of harry and draco’s relationship as they fill each other’s quiet. finishing this fic is like waking from a good dream. transporting, immersive, lovely.

Harry Potter and the Bisexual Awakening by @writcraft - 20k - E Harry is perfectly content being single, heterosexual and living in Godric's Hollow with his very clingy rescue dog, Snitch. When Draco Malfoy turns up on Harry's doorstep demanding that Harry teach him how to drive, things quickly become a lot more complicated.

first of all, i feel very seen by draco being a gay-who-can’t-drive. it’s called representation. but mostly i love the ease of harry and draco’s banter, a flustered harry discovering his sexuality, and the way this fic addresses biphobia. also very emo over this exchange: “I think I might be scared of you, but probably not for the reasons you think.” “Yes.” Draco stares at Harry. “I think I might be scared of you too.”

Forged through flowing water by @tedahfromtayla (an @hd-erised fic) - 40k - E When Hermione sets up a diplomatic mission to begin repairing the damage British colonisation did to Indian magical communities Harry isn’t going to pass on the opportunity to visit and help his family’s home country. Maybe he should have asked a few more questions about the personnel she had recruited for it before signing on because Malfoy surely has an ulterior motive to be there.

so much to love about this fic. the beautiful settings, from kolkata to mumbai, to the holi festival and colorful lively streets, to remote cave settlements and old intricate temples. it’s harry in the homeland, reconnecting to his family’s heritage and confronting the weight of imperialism in his history. it’s nipping the white savior complex in the bud. this part: That is what England left behind. That is what it still stands for, despite whatever mask of respectability and honour it presents. . .You don't get to step aside and let someone else deal with the mess. You have to listen and learn and then act, Malfoy, you need to learn how to fix your own mess. This is why we're here. my indigenous ass cheered. HP certainly sells the british fantasy but HP fanfic?? fuck jkr, fuck the crown. i love that this fic doesn’t romanticize england’s history. i love that we get to see the vast resilience and beauty of post-colonial india.

Purity Control by yrfrndfrnkly - 28k - T In which Harry tries to ignore his trauma with fantasy Quidditch but Malfoy's Thereness™ is distracting and all his classmates want to talk about are unicorns, virginity, and Muggle music.

tender 8th year fics where they go from bristly as fuck to understanding and soft 100% guaranteed to make me emo as hell. all the teens have traumas and no one wants to talk about it but eventually Things are Talked About. it’s good of the adults to finally notice. everyone just wants someone to hold their hand. and this part: “You’re the only person around here who’s a bigger mess than I am.” “I thought maybe we could be a mess together,” pls don’t look at me as i weep over their gentle empathy.

Advent, a comic by dustmouth - WIP - T It's Harry and Draco's first Christmas together and Draco is determined to live his full yuletide fantasy, come hell or high water.

dustmouth, patron saint of whimsical drarry. whose illustrations singlehandedly reinvented wizarding fashion. whose cheeky and tender comics are like a soothing balm to the utter depravity of this carnal world. harry and draco being domestic, draco’s xmas spirit brand being ��traditional unhinged”!! extremely my shit. we’ll absolutely be reading this all december.

Little Spaces by @dracoladon and @lazywonderlvnd - WIP - E Draco's back from France and working on the spell damage ward at St Mungo's with Hermione, who invites him over for dinner. Without telling Harry. This is a roleplay, which means Harry is written by one author (lazywonderland) and Draco by another (dracoladon).

the switch in distinct character voices works so well for this fic!! tonally i feel like i'm watching an episode of the office. i personally love harry and draco being Pissed Off at how much they want to bone each other. the battle of the tapenade was the most riveting dinner scene i've read in a minute. clever, hilarious, emotionally tense. can’t wait until that inevitable moment post hate-sex when they’re gonna be like “oh noooo it’s a Heart Boner as well!! >:((” hell ya we’re subscribing for chapter updates.

Dragons Don’t Know Paradise by @teacup-tai - WIP - E In 2004, when Remus spends two scary weeks in the ITU due to complications of pneumonia and his HIV condition, Sirius walks around the house like a ghost and Harry finds comfort and strength in Draco through a chat in an online LGBT forum. Harry falls for him, but Draco has a lot of secrets and, before long, will need to come clean—even if he believes that no one is able to understand a dragon.

non-magical bookshop AU. remus and sirius’ relationship is a marvel. the ease of their affection with harry makes me so emo. draco’s friends being insistently present even as he tries to isolate himself. this is a story about acceptance, found families, and falling in love at a distance. the intimacy, the longing, the tenderness. what a fic!! i keep coming back to this part:...he looks at ease, inside his body, a body he needed to fight for. He’d made peace with his struggles and his scars. And Draco realises he wants that. He wants to be at ease inside his body, the body that now carries a virus. He wants to be at peace with his own existence. you hurt for draco so deeply but you get moments like these where he affords himself a kindness that feels foreign and it’s just!! the boys navigating grief and learning to be vulnerable. so good.

#drarry fic rec #drarry #we live and die for desi harry aka hari poddar bc fuq jkr #a lot of soft drarrys this week but in my defense ive been reading hella angst and my depression was not finding that cute #weekly drarrys

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flashflashhundredyarddash · 4 years ago

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okay the halbarryiris polyamory post lets gooo

tw for internalized homophobia and biphobia

so barry spends his childhood bouncing around between foster homes so he doesn't really worry about relationships

once he gets to college he realizes he's bi and he's like oh. oh NO.

he very much does Not want to deal it so he sort of decides that he'll only try to date women

oh barry

i also headcanon that barry has pretty intense anxiety

so he graduates college, gets a cool job, and then oh holy shit barry has superspeed now

so he meets iris and hal at roughly the same time; he meets iris separately as both barry and the flash, and he meets hal as the flash

hal immediately discloses his identity and barry is like sfliefne but he gives up his pretty quickly because the type of personality that makes you become a secret superhero is also the type of personality that makes a person Very lonely

so hal doesn't Really label himself anything like if anybody Asks he'd say that he's mostly straight but he's not opposed to anything

so his first reaction to meeting barry is like oh Hot Guy Alert, HOT GUY ALERT

barry was the first guy that hal like really wanted to actually take out but barry gives off very Straight vibes so hal just flirts very aggressively to see if barry will take him up on it

so fast forward a few months and barry is definitely falling for iris BUT he also... has feelings for hal. this is Not Good. he wants to ask iris out but he also?? wants to ask hal out??? OH NO. he asks neither out because he doesn't know what to do.

so barry is wracked with indecision and finally hal is like FUCK IT and tells barry that he's into him and they kiss

but barry really quickly retreats and is like uhh im into someone else

and hal is like OH UHH SORRY

and barry is like BUT IM INTO YOU TOO

and hal is like OH YES TELL ME MORE?

so basically barry fesses up and hal being a Coastal California Girl is like oh damn hey you know polyamory is a thing so if youre down im down

AND BARRY IS LIKE POLYAMORY IS A THING?? (barry grew up in the midwest the only exposure he had to polyamory were mormons and barry is a Good Jewish Boy)

so yes now barry is like. polyamory is an option and hal says he's fine with being nonexclusive so hal is like ASK IRIS OUT and barry is like is it weird that my kind of boyfriend wants me to ask another woman out and hal is like your kind of boyfriend is volunteering to be your wingman trust me you need my help

when iris was in college the venn diagram of people working on the school newspaper and the gay straight alliance was a circle so yes what im saying is that iris has 100% been in a polycule before

iris is also like hal in that shes mostly straight but isn't opposed to being with a woman

so when barry asks her out shes like YESSSSSSS LETS GOOOO and then barry on the FIRST DATE freaks out and is like i have a kind of boyfriend but were open and iris is like yessss but i want to meet the kind of boyfriend

so hal and iris meet and hal is kind of into iris but iris is Not into hal like she LIKES him but she's not into him but anyways yes now barry has an OFFICIAL boyfriend and girlfriend

but because of the Internalized Biphobia and also living in the midwest barry tells people he has a girlfriend but never really talks about hal

:(((

iris decides she doesn't want to date anyone but barry, and hal dates like two or three other people the whole time he's with barry but he usually cuts it off before they get to anything serious

apart from the Internalized Biphobia barry keeps up pretty healthy relationship negotiating skills so he moves in with Iris (he also has a bunch of stuff at hals but hal lives across the country and also goes into space pretty routinely)

so anyways once barry has been with them both for several years he really wants to make both his relationships more permanent but because both gay marriage is illegal at the time AND bigamy is illegal barry decides to marry iris

I KNOW :(((

hal is sort of like :( but he gets it and barry and hal have a very separate and different relationship than barry and iris

though barry and hal never get married hal makes it pretty obvious he doesn't want to be with anyone else after barry and barry loves hal and always wants to be with him too

also when barryiris take in wally it was sort of a. very quick decision they had to make but hal decides he really Doesn't want to be a parent (nor to any kids barry and iris may or may not have) but he is Uncle Supreme

so yeah they decide not to tell wally for a multitude of reasons so barry just takes a lot of "business trips" when really he's spending a weekend at hals

ANYWAYS YEAH once dick finds out (detailed in my last birdflash post lol) dick is like yeah im not keeping this a secret from my boyfriend i can't do that to him so yall are gonna have to tell him

SO THEY TELL WALLY

WALLY IS VERY UPSET FOR A WHILE but gets over it once him and barry have a tearful heart to heart about it

also as barry gets older he's more wililng to tell people about his boyfriend he's still kind of quiet about being polyamorous but he is like YES, MY BOYFRIEND, HAL JORDAN

also while flash can't acknowledge his relationship with iris he CAN acknowledge his relationship with green lantern

and of course the whole fucking green lantern corps know hal is dating the flash like alien jesus christ we get it jordan

so yeah that's the barry/hal/iris relationship and though barry and hal never Officially get married barry does start wearing two rings on his ring finger

#westallen #flash greenade #halbarry #barry allen #iris west #hal jordan #dc #the burd squawks

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posi-pan · 4 years ago

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This is long and ranty lmao I’m so sorry, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and so whenever I see panphobes pull the whole “pansexuals have internalized biphobia!!” card, it makes me laugh a little. When I was figuring out my identity and myself, I went from calling myself straight, to “hmm idk”, to bi, to unlabeled, to bi again, to lesbian, to demi-romantic and then finally pan. I had three whole identities in between bi and pan under my belt before I settled on pan, because it was an identity that finally felt like me. If I have some supposed sense of internalized biphobia, you think it would’ve clicked at some point during those literal years in-between, especially when I went back to using bi for quite a while. I was lucky to be in an environment where I was safe and comfortable to try out different identities, so… there is no reason for me to not have faced any internal queerphobia.

I kept flip flopping between labels and identities from the time I was 15/16 until I was about ~21. It was a loooooong journey to get to where I am now and one that was taken with a lot of caution and self care. If I was dealing with internalized anything, I would’ve taken it upon myself to look at it and address it because I did everything in my power to make myself feel comfortable with myself. Learning you’re not straight in a world like ours is scary in itself, even for people with the most accepting family/friends. It was a really confusing time, because none of the labels I used ever felt right. I was SO determined to find something that fit me and made me feel whole that I would not have just let queerphobia within myself slide away without confronting it. I DID ask myself about that a lot because I just felt so weird and displaced sometimes, but it wasn’t because I was xyz-phobic but because I hadn’t found the right place for myself yet.

But anyway, while other folks have for sure had different experiences than me, when panphobes assume all of us are just secretly biphobic, I just find it (pathetically) funny because it assumes that every pan person made a very black and white jump from bi to pan. And that we did it simply because we just hate bisexuality, when that is so far from the truth, I can safely assume, for a good chunk of us. Identities and labels are not that easy for all of us to figure them out. Pushing this narrative that pan folks are internally biphobic completely erases and invalidates the journeys so many of us go on to find ourselves and the things we might face in the process.

this is so wonderfully put and spot on. 👏👏 we're all different and complex with different and complex feelings and experiences and journeys to self discovery and acceptance. and we all deserve to have that respected.

#asks #anonymous #pan antagonism #pansexual #long post

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stusbunker · 4 years ago

Text

AGA: Spit It Out

A Supernatural Denny AU

Featuring: Dean Winchester/ Benny Lafitte

Other Characters: John and Mary, Jody, Garth, Anna, Castiel, Sam, (mentioned) Benny, Jo, Jack

Word Count: 4222

Summary: Dean has the toughest conversation of his life. Cas asks questions. Sam is a little shit.

Warnings: Homophobic language, internalized biphobia, coming out

Series Masterlist

Shout out to the amazing @cracksinthewalls for all her help on this series.

Dean hadn’t realized how terrified he was of facing his father until he broke down at Jo’s. It hadn’t felt like something he would ever have to do until then. Now, it felt as inevitable as a death sentence.

John had always been a huge force in Dean’s life, but since he had gotten hurt to the point of disability, he was less of a presence and more of an imprint. Letting down his folks was the ultimate sin, one Dean had fought his whole life to resist. He knew they loved him, but would it be enough for them to see beyond the idea of Dean they had in their heads. Could they love a pansy?

His mother would be easier to bring on board; he was her favorite whether she’d admit it or not. On the other hand, John was a Marine, he was a mechanic; he didn’t deal with feelings or things he thought were reckless, selfish choices. Dean had never been selfish a day in his life, but this was something that seemed worth it. Benny was worth it. Dean couldn’t give up on family, and he needed them in his corner if it was going to work at all.

First, Dean just needed to get the words out.

The wind whipped through the neighborhood he grew up in like a child unleashed upon the playground. Direction and speed split its focus until it stilled long enough to move on to the next distraction. Dean parked on the street, letting the familiar siding and newer front door center him as he approached, trying to ignore the uneasiness that was unfurling in his gut. Sam was having lunch with some guys from high school who were in town early for Thanksgiving, granting Dean this window of privacy.

Not that Dean told Sam anything. He had done enough talking at Jo’s, even Benny didn’t know everything that he’d been processing the last few days. He hadn’t wanted to make any promises. Dean walked into the house, calling out his greeting, never one to knock at home. John was parked in front of the television in the living room while Mary sent her welcome from somewhere in the basement.

“Hey! Talk about timing, lunch is just about done,” John teased. “What brings you ‘round? Sammy’s out for the day.”

“Yeah, Dad, I know. Kinda why I came,” Dean shoved his hands in the pockets of jeans, still standing.

“Jayhawks are playing at two if you wanna stay,” John offered. Dean hummed in uncertainty. John dragged his feet from the ottoman to sit up and face Dean better. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, nothing we can’t talk about over lunch. I’m gonna go see if Mom needs anything,” Dean nodded towards the basement steps and left John to his football.

Dean bowed his head as he reached the bottom of the steps, clearing the duct work to find Mary folding laundry at the long narrow table they used for everything from school projects to writing out Christmas cards.

“I thought that was you,” Mary said pleasantly. “Did your dad tell you lunch was almost ready?”

She dropped the shirt she had finished atop an awkward pile and opened her arms for a hug. Dean scooped her up, probably a little too enthusiastically, but he didn’t care and she didn’t mind. A simple gasp told him she noticed though.

“So--- what’s the occasion?” Mary asked, turning back to the basket.

“Nothing really, just wanted to catch up,” Dean downplayed, grabbing a pair of jeans to help. Neither of them pointed out that they’d see each other the next day for Sunday dinner. Mary welcomed the visit as much as Dean was dreading it.

“Your father had physical therapy yesterday. I don’t think they get paid enough,” Mary conspired with a heavy side eye.

Dean chuckled, “I’m guessing not his at least.”

“And supposedly I’m the stubborn one,” Mary muttered. “If you want to make some sandwiches, I’m almost done down here. I don’t want to spread the soup too thin.”

Dean nodded and handed her the sweater he had folded last. “Sounds good, anything in particular?”

“Just don’t let him trick you into letting him have the salami, his doctor says he needs to watch the fats,” Mary warned.

Dean perched against the edge of the steps, listening. He slapped the banister and headed back upstairs. “On it.”

The kitchen’s layout hadn’t changed in thirty years and Dean quickly set up an assembly line with poultry, condiments, lettuce and tomatoes. He tucked the cheese with the processed deli meat back in the drawer, hiding the temptation from John. But not before stealing a slice for his and Mary’s sandwiches. He set the table, like hundreds of times before. John’s spot was the head of the table, Mary to his left. Dean set his own plate on John’s right, a seat he fought Sam for more often than not.

Dean stirred the pot, which was much more a vat, of chicken noodle soup. John’s approach was announced by the steady clink of his cane on the hardwood floor of the hallway. Dean pulled out John’s chair before settling down to his heaping sandwich and extra large bowl of soup.

John lifted the top tier of his sandwich, judging the contents. “She got to you, didn’t she?”

Dean just chewed purposely and gave John innocent eyes.

“Figures,” John muttered before bellowing through the house. “Mary! Soup’s ready.”

They ate comfortably, fighting the cold outside with the warmth of the familiarity of a shared meal. The grease from the chicken made bubbles in the broth and Dean blew across the surface mixing them back in. Meanwhile Mary made small talk and John teased her about her part time job.

“Well, I need to get out of the house, or we’d kill each other, you know that,” Mary flicked John’s ear as she cleared their bowls.

“How’s that going?” Dean asked, eyes fixed on his mother’s face. Panic clogged his ears at the thought of never seeing her again.

“‘S fine. People are picky, but it isn’t bad for what it is. Better than being behind a desk or answering the phone,” Mary explained of her work at the local sporting goods store. “Friday will be nuts, lots of sales, but it’s not like we would have been doing anything anyway.”

“So, Bobby and Ellen’s on Thursday?” Dean verified.

“Yup, dinner’s at 1. He says you’re on pie duty?” John asked, surprised.

“That I am. Sam’s stuck with sides, so please remind him. I don’t want to show up and only have rolls and turkey,” Dean asked Mary.

“Can do. We’re bringing the---,” Mary started.

“Cranberry sauce,” Dean and John said in unison.

“And the wine!” Mary said in dismay at their laughter. “Jerks.”

John and Dean grinned as Mary rolled her eyes.

“So, was that everything? It seemed like you had something to hash out with us,” John asked Dean, picking up the last of his sandwich.

“Yeah, mostly. I gotta check with Ellen first, but I might be bringing somebody along,” Dean rushed out. He tipped his bowl back, finishing the final dregs.

“A special someone?” Mary asked delicately, looking at John in hope.

“Yeah, you could say that,” Dean grunted, standing to grab another sandwich.

“Well, is it somebody we know?” Mary prodded, not trying to be too pushy, but obviously curious. “Dean, why are we just now hearing about this?”

Mary’s tone had shifted to apprehension, Dean felt their silent conversation behind his back as he slapped the ingredients together. He shrugged in response, unable to find a proper jumping off point.

He tried to remain casual, but the dred had clawed back up. Without enough wherewithal to speak, Dean sat back down and ate, drawing out his confession to the point of confusion.

John chuckled at Mary’s suspicion. “He’s nervous. Let the boy get it out.”

Dean rolled his eyes at the phrase. “I’m thirty six, Dad,” he said through a mouthful.

“Is that right? Coulda fooled me.” John tisked his tongue. Mary ignored his teasing tone.

“Dean, what’s the matter? What’s this girl’s problem that’s making you act so--- cagey all the sudden?” Mary asked anxiously. John slipped Mary’s hand into his, silently soothing her as they waited for Dean’s answer.

“Uh, yeah, about that,” Dean started, sitting back, and shooting for blase. “Turns out I actually like guys, too. So, uh, there’s no problem with a girl. I just wanted to bring, um, this guy I’ve been seeing, Benny, to Bobby and Ellen’s.”

Mary inhaled and clenched John’s hand. John stopped stroking Mary’s arm and twisted in his seat. Dean exhaled slowly, like a pin prick in a deflating balloon, he couldn’t take any of it back. Dean took a chance and looked out through his lashes, face tilted towards his plate. First to Mary’s blue worry and then a flicker to John’s almost black disbelief.

John swallowed and ducked low enough to force Dean’s eyes onto his. "You tellin' me you take it up the ass, is that what you're sayin?"

"Jesus. John!" Mary reproached. But neither man's glare faltered. The dark challenge in John's eyes caused Dean's lips to turn up in a silent snarl.

Dean finally broke the silence. "You really want me to answer that?"

"I think I have a right to know exactly the kind of man my son is," John countered.

Mary stood abruptly. “He's your son! What's the matter with you?! You asking Sam his jerkin' habits now that he's single, while you're at it?!" She went to the sink, bowing over it as if it would cleanse the images the conversation had conjured.

“Oh, hell, that’s not the point,” John muttered.

Dean had been arrested in high school for drag racing. The whole ride home from the police station he was worried what his dad was gonna do to him once they got home, it was the same quiet rage that had terrified Dean as a child. But it was Mary’s disappointment when they walked in the door that tore into Dean to the point of scarring. He could live with his father’s anger, Sam had taught Dean how to slowly stand up to John over the years.

But Dean didn’t know if he could live in the shadow of Mary’s disappointment. He needed somebody to see him as himself, not just a screw up or a queer.

Dean sighed. "I am your son. But if you can't handle this, Dad. I don't think you have any right to know me anymore." He looked from Mary to John as the last sentence left his mouth. Maybe he was asking too much after all.

Everyone in the room froze. But not even an ultimatum like that could stop John Winchester from digging himself deeper. "Christ, son, Jo really did a number on you, didn't she? Made you turn tail to the other team all together."

"Leave Jo out of this,” Dean spit out as he stood up. “This is about me and who I'm with now." He stalked the long way around the table, shoving chairs in as he went. He approached Mary alone, carefully, one terrified animal to another. "You'd love him, Mom. He cooks, runs his own business, even got an old Harley in the garage."

Mary couldn't hide her tears, but she tried to smile through them for Dean's sake. "Sounds like a catch, sweetie. But what matters is if you love him. You don't need our say so."

"Don't I?" Dean replied sadly before glancing over Mary’s shoulder to John. "You know Jo told me to give you the finger if you couldn’t see how happy I am. How important Benny is to me. And maybe she's right. But I wanted this to work. I wanted to keep the family together. That's why I'm here. The rest is up to you, Old Man."

Dean kissed his mother on the cheek, between murmured reassurances and left without another word to John. He teetered on the brink, somewhere between busting his knuckles against the cold glass of the impala’s window and losing his lunch on the frostbitten ground. Somehow, Dean made it into the solitude of the driver’s seat before he broke down and sobbed. The only saving grace he got was when his mother's voice roared from inside the house.

Dean dragged the salt and snot from his face with a heavy palm and started the engine. He couldn't stay there, but he didn't know where to go either. He just drove.

Dean pulled into the parking lot at The Pearly Gates on autopilot. He’d spent the afternoon equally suppressing and dissecting his conversation with his parents as he kept it even between the lines of two lane country roads. Now, Dean was ready to be somebody else, to make drinks and flirt and just forget everything that had happened.

The college football crowd was winding down, which allowed Dean some time to catch up with the day shift bartenders Garth and Jody. Back before Cas got blindsided with the responsibility of business ownership, Cas, Dean, Ash and Artie would claim a booth near the pool tables and blow their grocery money every weekend. When Sam moved back after law school he and Mick joined the crowd that were regularly praised for paying for Jody’s son’s braces.

Garth had been the first dragged from the friend pool to fill the schedule when Cas’s brother dropped off the face of the earth. Though Garth volunteered, Dean knew it was just out of the goodness of his heart, not a need for extra cash.

“Here he is!” Garth announced Dean’s arrival. Luckily for Dean, Garth was pouring a beer otherwise he would have been wrapped in one of Garth’s spider monkey-like hugs. A few regulars in the corner raised their glasses to Dean in greeting as he passed by with his company smile. Jody whipped by him, fresh out of the stock room with her arms full of their dollar bags of chips they sold to keep from having to run a full kitchen.

“Look who’s early,” Jody exclaimed before dropping the load onto the back counter. “You trying to cut into my time there, Winchester?”

“You know if you ever want more hours, you just gotta ask,” Dean offered suggestively, strolling behind the bar.

Jody sputtered dramatically, “And work nights? No, thank you.”

“It was worth a shot,” Dean replied, shrugging at Garth who knew better.

Jody sighed and cocked her head. “You’re cute, but you’re not that cute.”

Dean ducked his head against the compliment as she patted his arm apologetically.

“Want me to split your tips before you go?” Dean asked, bending out of his jacket.

“That’d be lovely,” Jody answered, sorting the chips by kind. “Garth get’s an extra twenty because Bess and Donna were ‘round.”

“Look at you, Mr. Slick,” Dean teased as he grabbed the old milk bottle filled with mostly singles. Garth blushed.

“You know what they say Dean-o, flattery is everything,” Garth explained. Dean, who routinely had the most tips out of any of the staff, including Bela, just nodded at the quirky dude. Dean doled out their shares and washed up before officially punching in.

Jody was gone as soon as Anna arrived, but Garth waited for Jack to show before leaving her and Dean on their own. It was seven o’clock before Cas arrived instead of his unreliable nephew.

“Everything alright?” Dean asked knowingly as Cas hung his trench coat on a broken notch on the rail beside the server’s station.

“Jack is under the weather,” Cas explained blandly. Dean eyed the windows, taking in the light flurries that danced in the streetlight. “I guess I’ll have to do tonight.”

It was a surprisingly unremarkable shift, the weather kept traffic bearable even after Anna’s shift ended at midnight. Dean walked her out the back to her car, like he always did as the plow eased out of the parking lot.

“You gonna be alright with him for the rest of the night?” Anna whispered before they breached the cold. Her big brown eyes held more mischief than worry.

“Goodnight, Anna,” Dean drew out as he held the door sternly.

“Night, Dean,” Anna chuckled. Dean watched her tiptoe around the icy patches and make it to her old Tahoe. He made sure it started before heading back behind the bar, and three more hours with Castiel.

The speakers were set lower than usual to balance their minimal customers. On his shifts, Dean had always insisted on having control over the musical selection. So when he walked into a pop singer’s version of mopey folk he did a double take before bee lining for the stereo.

“Please, don’t,” Cas’s simply requested from somewhere to Dean’s right. “I kind of like this song, but more importantly one of the customer’s requested a change of station.”

Dean eyed the patrons like suspects in a line up, uncertain who would blaspheme in such a way. No one seemed particularly guilty and he had to let it go. Between drinks, Dean washed glasses in the small sink behind the bar until Cas was finally able to start his nightly paperwork. The last couple paid their tab just after 1:30, leaving them holding their breaths in hope as they started to put up the chairs.

“Is it often this quiet?” Cas wondered aloud, “I don’t recall Saturday’s business to dwindle so.”

Dean smiled to himself; leave it to Cas to look a gift horse of a slow night in the mouth. “No, man, this is not the usual. But, it worked out. And thanks for filling in for the kid, I know you don’t like getting your hands dirty.”

Cas quietly beamed at Dean’s gratitude before pausing at the not so subtle jab at the end. They went through the remaining end of day routine in silence. Dean turned off the faux neon signs in the windows to signal the early close as Cas handled the money. Dean would usually even out the till and split tips with Jack, leaving the deposit for Cas to handle the next day. Instead he was left with cleaning detail as the boss man did the accounting.

Before long Dean was rolling the dirty mop bucket back to the office/store room/ kitchen/ employee area. Exhaustion had eaten at Dean’s internal walls, leaving him on the slippery edge between slap-happy and zombie. He hummed to keep his eyes open, waiting on Cas to finally call it a night and let Dean clock out.

“We don’t talk anymore,” Cas said abruptly, without looking up from the cash machine. Dean’s head shot up, concern furrowing his features. “In fact, I’m prone to think you don’t like me at all, Dean.”

“What do you mean, we’re talking right now,” Dean downplayed defensively. Cas glanced up over his desk, mild surprise evident. Cas always seemed such a mystery to Dean, from his social awkwardness to his blunt observations. Dean had come to envy Cas’s almost innocent lack of need to perform for others, to be anyone but himself. He had forgotten that Cas would read into his demeanor in the uncanniest of ways.

“True, we are. But are we?” Cas typed the code into the safe and waited for the time delayed entry. “We used to hang out, watch football, play pool, or cards even.”

“We’ve got bowling every week, man,” Dean wrung out the mophead and latched it onto the rack on the wall. He was trying to remember the last time he and Cas had fun, just the two of them and couldn’t recall a single occurrence over the past year.

“I miss you. I miss my friend,” Cas replied sadly. “And I don’t know what I did to ruin it, but I want you to know that I didn’t mean to.”

Dean closed his eyes and grimaced. “Hey, no, it’s not like that,” Dean started. He walked over and leaned against the edge of the desk, assertive reassurance written all over his face. “Look, I’m tired. Working all week and then coming here is kicking my ass. So I don’t have a lot of free time or brain capacity to hang out like we used to. But I’m doing my best, man.”

Cas looked like a confused puppy, eyes drooping and head tilted. “That isn’t it. There’s something else, something you’re not telling me?”

Dean huffed and shook his head, hands raised in exasperation. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I like you, okay? We’re still--- you know--- buddies.”

“Buddies,” Cas said it like it was a war crime.

“Yeah, man, friends. Do you need me to pull up a dictionary on my phone?!” Dean was getting anxious. He didn’t know what exactly had set Cas down this path of questioning, but he was certain he needed it to end. So much for a quiet night.

After a few weighted stares, Cas squinted and turned them down a different path. “Did me employing you negatively affect our relationship? Should I not have asked that of you?”

“Wait, that would have stopped you?” Dean asked, surprised by Cas’s sudden, if extremely late, realization.

“I wouldn’t knowingly do anything to hurt our friendship, Dean. Has working here hindered you?” Cas asked apologetically.

Dean’s mouth dropped open and his shoulders slumped. “Yeah, man. Working here--- everyone is great, don’t get me wrong--- but man I need a break. I wanted to help out here or there, but I’ve got no time for a life if I stay on.”

“I see,” Cas sat back, poorly masking his own discomfort with Dean’s confession. “Look, I know I’m not the best at what I do. But I find it very hard to trust new people. Employees, especially, tend to let me down. I guess--- I guess I’ve relied on you for too long, Dean. I’m sorry if I’ve taken advantage.”

Dean chuckled. “To be honest, I wouldn’t have minded if you had.”

Missing the joke, Cas continued, “I am taking this conversation as your verbal resignation. I hope you will stay on for the customary two weeks time?”

“You’re serious?” Dean asked, stunned.

“You’re unhappy. I don’t want to cause you anymore grief,” Cas replied simply.

“It wasn’t that bad, Cas.--- But, you gotta do something about Jack. Man up and light a fire under his ass, or just kick him to the curb until he’s ready to live up to the family business. You need to hire people who want to be here,” Dean offered.

Cas nodded dejectedly. “I know, I just have an awful gauge for people’s reliability from a simple interview. And past employers rarely ‘spill the tea’ as Bela would say.”

Dean giggled, but stopped himself once he saw the worry in Cas’ eyes. “Hey, what if somebody does the interviews for you? I bet Jody would weed out the bad seeds before their asses ever hit the bar stool.”

Cas was surprised by that option. “That could work. She is very intimidating.”

“Right?!” Dean exclaimed, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. “So, we’re really doing this? Two weeks and I’m out?”

“Yes, Dean. You’ve done more than I should have asked of you.” Cas stood and extended his hand.

Dean grabbed it and pulled Cas in for a hug, their bound hands stuck between them. “Thanks, man. But, I’m glad it worked out. It will work out. This is gonna be good.”

“And we’ll---,” Cas asked as they broke apart.

“We’ll still be friends. Hell, if I’m free maybe we can reclaim our old table every once in a while,” Dean offered, patting Cas’s shoulder. A genuine smile crept across Dean’s face for the first time all day.

“I’d like that,” Cas admitted as the safe alerted his time was up.

The next morning, Sam held the door for Dean who was smirking as they walked in. Exhausted and needing the comfort of his favorite diner to fill his empty stomach, Dean agreed to Sunday breakfast with a seemingly none-the-wiser Sam, certain he'd be missing their weekly dinner with his parents for possibly the first time.

"Not that one. Let's see if there's a spot in the back," Sam muttered as Dean tried sitting in the first open booth he saw.

"What? Why?" Dean groaned, but straightened up and followed Sam passed the bustling counter.

Sam lifted his chin and motioned Dean to the second to last spot. Slightly annoyed, Dean threw himself onto the bench seat, only to have Sam slide beside him, caging him in.

"Glad you boys could make it," the all too familiar drawl of their father's voice greeted them from across the table.

Dean looked at Sam and cursed beneath his breath. Sam had the nerve to look guilty, but his puppy dog eyes didn't hold an ounce of potency now.

"Wow, Dad, I had no idea you'd be here. Funny coincidence, hey, Sammy?" Dean snarked.

"Shut up," Sam grumbled.

"I made him drag you here, Dean. So if you wanna be pissed, be pissed at me," John began. "I ordered your usuals, to give us some privacy. It seems we need to talk."

Tagging: @flamencodiva @dolphincliffs @dontshootmespence @fookinghelljensensthighs @fangirlxwritesx67 @dawnie1988 @mrswhozeewhatsis @cosicas-cuquis @foxyjwls007 @tumbler-tidbits @wingedcatninja @defenderrosetyler @ericaprice2008 @crashdevlin @mylovelydame21 @cajunquandary @itmighthavebeenintentional @thoughtslikeaminefield @there-must-be-a-lock @tatted-trina6 @cracksinthewalls @atc74

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Next Chapter: Giving Up

#A Gentlemen's Agreement #bi!dean #dean winchester fanficiton #dean/benny #dean x benny #coming out #john and mary #aga: spit it out #spn fanfic #spn au #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural au

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softheartstm · 3 years ago

Note

1 for phoebe?

multimuse opinion corner // accepting // @ahsterism

1. where did you get your idea for them?

Admittedly, I made Phoebe years and years ago, like. God, 2013? 2014? So as much as I adore her with all my heart, I don't remember the initial inspiration for her.

I made her when I was still most active on Q.uizilla, where the typical rp format was "oc x canon love interest" in 1x1, split so each person wrote their own oc and the other's love interest. S.upernatural was my hyperfixation in 2013, right before college - to show how old I am - and through my freshman year at least. So like I did with every interest back in the day, I made an oc.

One thing I do remember, especially as I've written her for nearly ten years at this point, is that she was a means of me to work through my emerging queer identity and my still uncertain ideas on my faith. Phoebe struggles with internalized biphobia from her years and years of Christian religious upbringing and it's so funny seeing her original bio where I listed her as straight "but willing to hit on women for information", barf, to where she is now and knowing I myself wasn't even out as bi when I made her. I was never raised as religiously as her but it's something that always hits me kind of...oddly. I want to have this trusting, confident faith I see people have but I can't, I question everything and get so anxious thinking about making the Wrong Choice.

So it wasn't my initial idea for her but she definitely channels a lot of the struggles I had to deal with in regards to faith and sexuality, not to a T but enough for me to know that's where I put those struggles when I write.

#AESH thank you!!!!#( askbox // i'm the first kid to write of hearts lies and friends )#( phoebe carter ; headcanons )#i didnt realize like. how long ago i made her holy shit we're so old her and i

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awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands · 4 years ago

Text

Guns N’Roses when they discover that their boyfriend/partner is bisexual:

A/N: Here’s the second part of my wonderful bi boy/ nb people. Remember that you are valid, loved and being bi is not something wrong!

TW: Mentions of sex, biphobia, mentions of addiction, overdose and death

Axl Rose

You were biting your nails nervously, waiting for Axl to arrive. You usually hate that your boyfriend was late, but this time you were glad, because you really needed to gather up your courage and tell him what you needed to.

You were bisexual, but he didn’t know that. You were too scared of upsetting him, to be misunderstood, it was already difficult for him to deal with all his internalized homophobia, due to his upbringing, what if he thought you were just a “fake gay boy” who went after him only for fame, but in reality he was attracted to girls? You would hurt him so bad, because in his eyes you betrayed his trust, you took advantage of his vulnerability and stabbed his heart.

He would have left you, and you couldn’t deal with that, your life without that wonderful redhead was so empty and sad, you’d be so hurt, your heart broken in so many little pieces. Your thoughts were so loud, that you didn’t hear Axl coming towards you.

“Sorry baby boy, I had to stay in the studio a little longer… are you okay?” He asked concerned.

“Ax… we need to talk.” You stated, biting your lips.

“Is it a bad news or a good news?” He tried to laugh, but his attempt fell flat.

You took a deep breath, your heart beating so fast that you just wanted to lie and finish it all, but you knew it had to be done.

“ I’m bisexual, I like girls too. But before you can say anything, I’m not a “fake gay” and not I’m not trying to be straight to please people.” “Babe…”

“ And I didn’t take advantage of you just to get famous and have money. I was so scared of telling you this, because I could never stay without you, please don’t leave me !” You were frenetic, but then you felt two hands cupping your face.

“Hey baby, calm down. I’m not angry, I’m just surprised, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’ll love you and respect you regardless of whom you like. You’re my boyfriend, I could never leave the most important person in my life!” You looked you right in the eyes, a small smile on his face.

You really felt like you could have cried of joy, it felt so good to be able to get ridden of this weight and to have Axl still at your side. You kissed him, and he brought you into a hug, playing with your hair.

“I love you so much Axl, I know it is hard for you, so it means a lot!” You said.

“Yeah, I want to try my hardest because you deserve the best, ya know?” He said, nervous but also happy.

You squeezed his hand tightly, making him smile.

Slash

You were sitting on a beat up couch in the backstage. Your boyfriend Slash was showering and as much as you loved to shower together, you knew what would happen if you stepped there, so you decide to spare the boy to hear everything and just hung observe all the roadies working and people talking.

After a couple of minutes, you felt someone sitting down next to you, probably your boy, but before you could turn around and throw yourself in Slash’s arms, you heard a female voice speaking.

“Hey there, beautiful!” She said, flashing you a smile. Probably, she was a groupie.

You looked her up and down, and you had to admit she was very pretty. Of course, you didn’t feel any romantic feeling towards her, but you could still appreciate beauty when you saw it.

“Do you like what you see? I didn’t know you were into girls too, sugar! I just thought you liked guys since you were Slash’s partner, as he calls you.”

You were no-binary, and you came out to Slash one month after dating. He started to refer to you in the right way and using the right pronouns, then he asked people to call you his partner, even if he didn’t out you.

“Yeah, I don’t discriminate, you know. Even if I like my boyfriend very much, thank you!” You replied, but she seemed to ignore you, sitting on your lap.

“I believe Slash won’t oppose if we propose him a threesome.” She whispered with a smirk.

You felt someone clearing his throat.

“They are my person sweetie, so move on!” He said firmly, and the girl hopped off your lap and got out of the door, still flashing his mischievous smile.

You started panicking, because you had no idea how long Slash was there and what he heard or saw. Oh God, what if he thought that you were a cheater? What if he heard that you are bi?

“Slash… I-I’m bisexual. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you about this before, but I was scared that you could believe at all the stereotypes, and leave me. Also, I was scared that you thought I was “too much” because “c’mon you can’t be no-binary and bi, too!” Your breathing was getting faster, and you were really afraid to start crying, but Slash held your hands.

“You can always talk to me baby! I love you just as you are, and I’m proud you decided to tell me. I’d never leave you or believe what they say. You are my wonderful partner and I’ll keep loving you until the end!”

You kissed him with passion, running a hand in his curls, and thinking how lucky you were to have him.

Duff Mckagan

Being a bassist and opening for the band that your bassist boyfriend played in was the best thing ever!

You and Duff were pretty reserved with your relationship, and you never felt the need to talk about your past relationships, so your boyfriend didn’t know you were bi and you had been with girls too. You were too scared to come out to him, and make thing awkward between you two and your bands, plus the past partners were not all supportive, and that make you quite afraid that he wouldn’t love you anymore.

You were doing an interview with a rock magazine, Duff was also there, but he already did his, so he was there as moral support. It was going good, the interview didn’t ask you too personal questions, well until now.

“Duff isn’t the first musician that you have dated, though. Before him you dated a famous singer in a girl’s band, is that right?” She questioned pleased.

You felt the world stopping, while your heart started to beat faster. Too scared to look at your boy, you fixed your gaze at the floor, trying to calm yourself, because your brain was shouting at you how Duff would hate you, leave you forever and never come back.

“Yeah, I dated her, but we didn’t get along. I don’t want to talk about it and I think our time is up.” You voice cracked a bit, but there was no way that you would let her know how her words hit you.

She seemed upset, but she left anyway.

“I thought you said that you never dated someone just t pretend to not like boys.” Duff said surprised, but also hurt.

“I didn’t do that, I’m bisexual so I like girls too, and I thought that I loved her, but it didn’t go that well.” Your eyes darted anywhere but to the blond bassist, while you tried to fight the tears.

You were not ready to see him walk away, and you tried to prepare for the worst, but Duff simply thumbed away one of your tears.

“Don’t cry babe, God please I hate seeing you like that. I promise I’m not angry or anything, just why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was scared that you would react like she did when I told her, that you would think of me as a cheater, a fraud, someone who can’t decide and I didn’t want you to leave me, I love you too much!”

Duff sat down and put you on his lap.

“You are my baby boy, and I could never be pissed at you, or think all those awful things. Nothing is changed between us, I still love you and I’ll support you no matter what, even if groupies will be after you even more!” He joked and you managed to smile.

He stroked your cheek and kissed your nose, while bringing you closer and keeping soothing you.

Izzy Stradlin

Your eyes shoot open, your heart beat fast as the images of your nightmare were still impressed in your memory. Everything felt so real, your mind was still having troubles realizing that what you had seen was not real, or at least it was not happening right now.

You tried you’re best to not wake Izzy up, who was sleeping next to you, but you felt way too anxious and scared to stay still, so eventually your boyfriend woke up due your trembling.

“Hey babe, you okay?” He asked sleepy, his elbows on the bed as he sat on it.

You shook your head, feeling worse and worse, so much that you couldn’t even talk and you just wanted to cry. It’s okay, it was not real. It was not now.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me, it’s fine!” He reassured you, he gently rub your back.

Usually you and Izzy didn’t have secrets between each other, in fact you came out to him as no-binary, and he totally accepted you, never stopped to show you his support and addressing you in the right one. However, you kept away from him two things: that you were bisexual and that your ex-girlfriend died of overdose soon after your breakup.

That was what the dream was about, but of course you couldn’t tell him without coming out in the process, so what were you going to choose? He thought of being rejected by him, made you even sicker, because Izzy was your boyfriend, your rock and you couldn’t be without him. You were about to lose him so many times due alcohol and drugs, you couldn’t bear it if it was your fault this time.

But that the same time, you knew how much he hated lies, and how this all thing was eating you alive.

“I-I had a girlfriend some time ago, she was a good girl, but she started to get addicted to heroin. I tried to help her as much as I could, to stay at her side but the relationship got too toxic to handle, so we decided to break up. S-She died soon after due to an overdose.” It felt good to let it out, but at the same time it was terrifying thinking about the consequences.

“Wait you said girlfriend?”

“Yes Izzy, I’m bi. And I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you! I’ve seen her fading away more and more, until she was gone, and the same thing was happening to you. I’m so glad you are clean now, because I could never stand having you away from me, so please don’t leave me!” You were begging him, with tears in your eyes.

Izzy hold your hands, giving you a smile.

“Darling, I love you and I could never leave you or be ashamed of who you are. I’m so grateful for having you here at my side, helping me stay sober, and I promise you nothing will tear us apart, okay?” He said firmly, squeezing your hands.

You put yourself into his arms, your head against his chest until his heart beat made you fall asleep.

Steven Adler

You were chilling on the sofa, watching some old sitcom on the TV, when Steven entered the room, a confused look on his face. He looked like he wanted to say something for you but he didn’t know how or what, so you decide to leave him think.

“Babe why did you have a pin or your jacket with written “bi” on it?” He asked you, unsure but curious at the same time.

You started to shake as your breathing was getting heavier, you were totally panicking. You turned off the television and tried to calm yourself down. You didn’t think he would be able to catch on it, it was a cute little pin, hardly to read from far, and Steven never showed interest into seeing what it was about, until now.

Now probably your secret was out: yes, you were bisexual. You never told your boyfriend that, but still you felt a sort of pride in your identity, even if you were closeted, you still wanted a tiny bit of freedom, and that pin was it.

You’ve never told Steven about your bisexuality, because you were afraid to lose him or that he wouldn’t understand you, usually boys were wither gross about it, or they thought you were just gay. If Steven reacted like that, not only your heart would be broken, but you also couldn’t stay with him anymore.

“I know what bi means. Are you bi honey?” He sounded hurt, probably because you haven’t told him before.

“I’m s-sorry. I-I was scared that you could g-get angry at me and leave me, like people did in the past!”. You started crying, reality hitting hard, the possibility of Steven getting away becoming scarier every second.

“I love you sweets, I could never leave you, not when you own my heart, it beats for you!” Your boyfriend said, grabbing your hand, trying to calm you down a bit.

You left out a sigh of relief, while you tried to stop crying.

“Bi means that you like both right? Sorry I lied when I said I know it for sure!” He giggled, a bit embarrassed.

You nodded with a smile, then you hugged him very tightly, still not believing that you were out now and he was okay with it.

“Thank you so much baby, this means a lot to me!” You whispered into his ear.

“You are my heart, I could never stay without you, and I’m proud of who you are!” He replied, kissing your lips gently.

#guns n roses #axl rose #slash #duff mckagan #izzy stradlin #steven adler #bisexual male reader #bisexual no-binary reader #axl rose x male reader #slash x nb reader #duff mckagan x male reader #izzy stradlin x nb reader #steven adler x gender neutral reader #80srock #80s rock band #fanfic #fanfiction #guns n roses fanfic

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dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3 · 3 years ago

Note

For the WIP thing: Perhaps the word diamond? (By the way, this is TOTALLY NOT YOU sending yourself this message anonymously, because you have a scene that uses the word diamond you just wrote that you really really REALLY wanna share but would feel awkward just posting it randomly, haha, that would be sooo weird, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-)

Oh wow, anon who totally wasn't me sending a message to myself because I just wrote a scene using the word diamond that I really really REALLY wanna share but would feel awkward just posting it randomly, you totally just read my mind!! I just wrote a scene using the word diamond that I would love to share with you all! How serendipitous!

...

;-)

Anyway. I just wrote this scene and it currently doesn't have a space in the story, since I wrote it out of order. I think I know where it belongs, and even fit it in at the end, but once I write the rest of that chapter, this scene may change a lot, who knows. Either way, I wanted to share this scene now since I like it.

I will give a warning, though: This segment deals with a lot of biphobia and internalized biphobia. It also paints Daiya in a negative light, which I hate to do, but kind of had to be done for my fic, sadly. I promise I will try and write a flashback scene with Mondo and Daiya where Daiya's the best brother ever, if possible. I will go more into detail about my reasoning behind this scene later, though, so if you're upset, read my little note at the end.

send me a word & i’ll post a sentence from my WIP that contains that word

Diamond: It was as Mondo’s face was mere centimeters from the dude’s, eyes firmly on his lips, that the door to his room in the hideout burst open, causing the two of them to jump apart anxiously. Mondo’s eyes had turned wide as he turned to face the door, heart pounding strangely in his chest. It only got worse when he saw the frozen face of his brother standing there in the doorway, his lavender eyes fixated on where he and the dude had just been.

Mondo has no idea what the fuck had been going on in his head when Daiya turned to face him, expression more blank than he’d ever seen it before, the man coldly telling the new recruit to get the fuck out, right the fuck now. Which the dude did immediately, tail between his fucking legs like a coward, not sparing a single glance back. Not that Mondo cared. His heart had been frozen in his chest, eyes intent on his terrifyingly blank brother.

“The fuck was that?” Daiya asked softly, a low rumble hidden beneath the words that made Mondo want to tremble. But he wasn’t a coward, wasn’t fucking weak, so he curbed it and did his best to casually shrug, hoping that if he just played it off, Daiya… Daiya would stop looking at him like that, like… l-like the way their old man used to look at him, like he was gum on the bottom of his shoe, useless and pathetic and disappointing, and-

“The fuck ya mean? Wasn’t fuckin’ nothin’,” Mondo had muttered, aiming for casual but ending up just this side of desperate. He’d watched— something a little like fear creeping up his spine— as Daiya’s eyes flashed, the anger that Mondo rarely ever saw in the man rife within them. It… Mondo hates to think it, hated thinking of it then, but it… i-it reminded him so fucking much of their old man that Mondo couldn’t help how he'd clenched up, breath shuddering out as Daiya took a step closer to him, more menacing than he’d ever seen the man before. Directed towards him, at least.

“Don’t ya fuckin’ lie ta me, kid! I know what I fuckin’ saw, you… the fuck have I always told ya, huh? The fuck have I always fuckin’ said? One. Ya gotta fuckin’… ya… shit. Ya don’t wanna be like him, do ya? Do ya?!”

Daiya took another step towards him then, and it was in that moment that Mondo realized his brother had been drunk. He reeked of it, of stale whiskey and booze. It made Mondo’s eyes water, the stench triggering old memories of him, their old man, half passed drunk and a hundred times meaner because of it. It… it terrified Mondo, made him feel impossibly young, and he shook his head rapidly, needing Daiya to know that he… he was wrong, wrong, Mondo… Mondo ain’t like that piece of shit, he… he ain’t… ain’t…

“N-no, the fuck…? I- I ain’t… I ain’t fuckin’ like him! Ya don’t understand, it was just… it was nothin’! We didn’t fuckin’ do nothin’, I ain’t… I- I ain’t-”

“Ain’t what?” Daiya had interrupted, voice a low growl, like it was when he’d go up against a rival gang leader, wanting to show that fucker who’s boss. He’d never taken that tone to Mondo before, though, no matter how frustrated he got at him. And Mondo, he… he felt so… s-so… “Like him? A pathetic, disgustin’ monster like him? ‘Cuz I don’t know if that’s fuckin’ true. An’ I think ya fuckin’ know it. Think I don’t see it, huh? Think I don’t see the way yer exactly like him? Think I don’t see the anger, the- the… the goddamn, fuckin’ rage?! Shit, kid! I’ve spent thirteen goddamn years a’ my fuckin’ life tryin’ ta prevent ya from bein’ like that jackass, think I don’t see him in you?! Think I don’t know exactly what the fuck you are?! I do, Mondo! I fuckin’ know, I know, an’ ya don’t even fuckin’ try not ta be like him! I try an’ teach ya the fuckin’ rules, shit ya gotta do ta not be like him, an’ ya don’t fuckin’ listen! Ya never fuckin’ listen, god fuckin’ damn you! Yer just like him, an’ it fuckin’ terrifies the shit outta me, an’ ya don’t even fuckin’ care! I’ve wasted thirteen goddamn years a’ my life on you, an’ ya don’t! Fuckin’! Care!”

Daiya had been crowded against him, screaming, like he would towards a rival gang leader, and Mondo had never felt so much pain before. He’d been unable to stop the tears that flooded his eyes, spilling over for the first time in goddamn years, lids closing to try and hide the pain that Daiya’s hate filled eyes caused inside of him. He’d felt so weak and ashamed, heart shattered fully at the words his brother had said. H-he… he wasn’t… h-he didn’t wanna be like him, didn’t wanna be like that goddamn bastard, and he- he thought Daiya saw that, saw how hard he’d been trying, trying to be better, to be more, but there… t-there, he’d gotten proof. Proof that his brother didn’t see it. Proof that his brother didn’t care. Proof that… t-that… that it wasn’t enough, he wasn’t enough, he’d never… never fucking be enough… he’d always be like that goddamn motherfucker, abusive and explosive and wrong, wrong, so fucking wrong, and his brother… D-Daiya, he… he saw that. Saw it, knew it, feared it. Mondo was tainted from the inside out, something wrong with him, something twisted and evil, something vile. And Daiya saw it. Daiya… D-Daiya saw…

Mondo heard, heart aching harshly, as Daiya let out a soft curse, and he tensed his body, waiting for the blow. He… his brother had never hurt him before, never laid a fucking hand to him, but in that single moment, Mondo feared it. Feared it, feared it, was terrified of it. Terrified more because he knew he deserved it. For not being what his brother wanted him to be. For not being able to do the simple shit his brother asked from him. For not… n-not…

“Mondo… L-little Diamond, I… I… s-shit, the fuck am I doin’, I- I didn’t… J-Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean… I- I didn’t… I…”

Mondo listened as Daiya stammered, body still tense, eyes still closed, pathetic tears running down his face as he tried to make himself as small as possible. If it were anyone else, he’d have started swinging, anger flaring bright inside him, but he couldn’t hurt Daiya, could never hurt Daiya, he loved Daiya and he- he couldn’t fucking hurt someone he loved, he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he… he wasn’t… he wasn’t like him, he… h-he wasn’t… he wasn’t…

Mondo tensed more when he felt warmth against his forehead, tentative fingers brushing his cheek, and it took every ounce of strength inside him to not fucking flinch like he’d been hit, stomach tied in angry knots. He didn’t open his eyes, couldn’t fucking stand seeing his eyes staring back at him, angry and full of rage, hating him for his very fucking existence, enraged lavender that whispered to him all that he fucking was. A blight. A mar. A fucking waste of goddamn space that the world would be better off without. That… that Daiya would be better off without…

“Shit, shit, Mondo, I… I didn’t fuckin’ mean it. Okay, kid? I… I didn’t… it ain’t true. The shit I said, I… I know it ain’t. Y’ain’t nothin’ like him, ya fuckin’ hear me? Ain’t a goddamn, fuckin’ thing like him. Yer too fuckin’ good ta be anythin’ like that asshole. Ya care so fuckin’ much. I see ya, savin’ those fuckin’ cats from the street, givin’ our limited money ta the dudes on the corner. He never fuckin’ woulda done shit like that, not ever. He never fuckin’ woulda cared, not like you care, my little Diamond. Ya… y’ain’t like him, ain’t ever like him, even if ya do like… l-like… shit. Y’ain’t ever gonna be like him, ya hear me? Not fuckin’ ever. I’m so fuckin’ proud a’ you, man, so fuckin’ proud, I promise. Please… please fuckin’ believe me kid, please… please…”

Mondo had been shaking, eyes still clenched shut, listening with an aching heart as Daiya spoke softly to him, meaningfully. Ordinarily, Mondo would have immediately began nodding his head, rolling his eyes a little at the sappy as fuck words, but in that moment he… he’d not been able to. Not been able to nod, not been able to accept. Because… b-because…

Because it was a lie. A goddamn, fucking lie. And Mondo… Mondo knew it. He knew it, he knew it, he’d always known it. He… he was just like their old man. Abusive and shitty and angry all the fucking time. He’d been worse recently, though, his anger flaring brighter and more vivid than ever before. He didn’t really know why, still doesn’t, just knows that everything inside of him had felt so on fire and angry and hurting and he couldn’t help but let it out, burning everyone in its wake, not just those who fucking deserved it. It didn’t help that the anniversary of their ma’s death had been coming up, Mondo’s remembered pain and inadequacy burning him from the inside out, but it wasn’t just that. He knew it wasn’t just that.

Part of it… part of it, he thinks, is because it was around the time when Daiya first started mentioning that he wanted to retire. It hadn’t been anything concrete then, just small, wistful comments of the life Daiya wanted after he passed the gang onto Mondo to lead, but it had terrified Mondo to even think it. To think that he’d one day be the sole leader of their gang, responsible for it all. He’d done his best to ignore that shit, to pretend that it didn’t scare him, but he could never escape the reality that it did. Scare him. Terrify him. And suppressing that shit always made him angrier, his fear turning to rage, masking his uncertainty and terror perfectly.

But it wasn’t okay. It… it wasn’t okay, he… he wasn’t okay. And maybe… m-maybe that’s why he took such a strong interest in that random fucking jackass. Maybe that’s why he looked at him longer, wanted him more. The dude made him feel… okay. Calm, in a way he’d never felt before. He’d smile and he’d laugh and it made his insides bloom into a nest of freshly hatched butterflies. Or however it is butterflies are made. He made Mondo feel okay, for once. Like maybe he… he mattered… kinda like how- how Taka makes him feel…

But it was wrong. Wrong, wrong, so fucking wrong. And Daiya made him perfectly aware of why. And in that moment, eyes shut tight, heart shattered fully in his chest, he… he knew he couldn’t be like that. Like him. He’d… he’d let himself slip far too much recently, let himself grow too fucking complacent, as Taka would call it. He didn’t like dudes, he liked chicks, and that was fucking that. He was better than his anger, better than his emotions, better than him. Daiya was right, he was exactly like him, which is why he’d have to try harder. Harder, harder, infinitely harder. He couldn’t allow himself to grow complacent. Couldn’t allow himself to be that weak. He had to be so fucking aware, knowing how easy it was for him to become him, to forget Daiya’s teaching and become the monster lurking underneath his skin. He didn’t want that. He didn’t. He didn’t.

That was the one thing Daiya had been wrong about, hadn’t known. Mondo… Mondo did care. About being like him. He… he cared so fucking much. So much he’d lie awake at night thinking about it, his head too jumbled to let him sleep, running over and over and over the similarities between him and his old man. Wondering, wondering, wondering if that’s why his ma was always so indifferent to him, so nothing, because she didn’t want to waste her time and love on a monster that was just like her monstrous husband. Wondering if she saw it in him, from the moment he was born, kicking and screaming and fighting into the world. Did she look at him, fresh from the womb, and see the goddamn anger that would one day consume his life? Did she look at him, see that anger, and decide she didn’t want that? Didn’t want him? Did she… s-she… was it his fault? Was it always, endlessly, exclusively his fault?

He didn’t know the answer, would never know the answer, but he knew he couldn’t keep on this fucking path. He had to learn to contain his anger again. To let it only burn those who deserved it, since he was too fucking pathetic to learn how to fully control it. He’d have to… have to do better. Be better. To learn how to stuff it down again and not disappoint Daiya, like he always disappointed everyone.

And he’d have to stuff that down too. The- the way he felt whenever he looked at that dude. The wriggling in his gut, the wrongness. He’d always told himself that it wasn’t anything, that it meant nothing since he was straight and only fucking straight, he didn’t like both, but he knew that wouldn’t fly anymore. Daiya… Daiya only needed one fucking look to know the truth about him, know what it meant, and Mondo knew he had to do better. To be better. He didn’t like dudes, didn’t think about them, didn’t want them. That random recruit meant nothing to him, didn’t make his chest flutter, didn’t make his skin flush. Or, if he did, then… then that didn’t mean anything. He liked chicks. Women. Ladies. Breasts and pussy and pillowy lips and… and… not dick. Not fucking dick. So, it couldn’t mean anything if he felt it, because he- he wasn’t his old man. And he refused to ever be.

Mondo doesn’t quite remember everything that happened after that, the memory a bit spotty, but he thinks he and Daiya spoke a bit more after he made his decision, his brother looking at him sadly, stabbing Mondo’s heart. He knew Daiya blamed himself for what happened that day, knows that Daiya spent months trying to ‘make up’ for it by being more lenient than ever, walking on fucking eggshells around him, but Mondo knew it wasn’t his fault. He’d just been speaking the truth. It wasn’t his fault Mondo was like their old man. It wasn’t his fault that Mondo wasn’t fucking good enough. It wasn’t his fault that Mondo was a fuck up who could never do anything right.

Mondo spent the next year carefully controlling himself, doing everything he could to not let the rising anger engulf him completely, following Daiya’s rules to a fucking tee. He beat the shit out of that new recruit, ignored the pain in his heart as he saw the bruises he’d created, and he stuffed that part of him down, down, down, so far down that he’d never see it again. Never feel it again.

Not until he met Taka, of course.

And now everything he’s tried so very, fucking hard to stuff down and hide is coming up again, his secret shame splayed open for the whole world to see. As he looks into Hina’s eyes, the swimmer trying to tell him that it’s okay, that he’s okay, he… he feels…

But it’s wrong. Wrong, wrong, endlessly, infinitely wrong. She… she doesn’t understand. Why it’s not okay. Why dudes can’t like other dudes, not while also liking chicks. She doesn’t understand why… why Mondo can’t like dudes, not when he also likes chicks. She can’t understand, no one can ever understand. They didn’t grow up with his goddamn old man. They didn’t have to listen as he fucked men and women indiscriminately, their ma crying as she wondered what she did wrong. They didn’t have to watch the depraved male lovers swagger out of his old man’s room, reeking of sin and depravity, as vile as his old man was. Hina… she doesn’t understand why bisexuality for men is wrong, why it’s always so perverted. She… she doesn’t…

And so, he… he pushes it away. He shakes his head, frantic and forceful, and he shuts off the emotion that rose inside his chest when he thought that maybe, just maybe, there didn’t have to be something wrong with him. That maybe, just… just maybe, he… he is… is…

Is allowed to love Taka the way he desperately, desperately wants to love him.

But that’s ridiculous, so ridiculous, and he makes sure the swimmer knows this as he begins to speak.

“No. N-no, y’ain’t... yer fuckin’ wrong. Ya can’t... D-Daiya... h-he always fuckin’ told me ya can’t, he fuckin’... h-he said that I could- f-fuck. He said that people could only like one or the other. That ya had ta fuckin’ choose. W-whenever I would- shit. Just... he ain’t fuckin’ wrong. He was the smartest fuckin’ person I ever knew, outside a’ Kiyo. S-so... he’s gotta be right. An’ I don’t give a fuck ‘bout you an’ Sakura, ya two can be whatever ya wanna be, ain’t none a’ my fuckin’ business. But... but you’re wrong. ‘Bout... ‘bout dudes bein’ able ta... a-an’ I don’t... I don’t fuckin’ wanna hear anythin’ else, got it? Just... I ain’t gonna tell ya what ya are an’ aren’t, ain’t my fuckin’ place, but don’t try and tell me I’m fuckin’ wrong. Hear me? I... just leave it the fuck alone.”

(From chapter ???, potentially corresponding to chapter 22 of TPWP.)

~~~~

(Now, as to why I had Daiya act like this... so, this isn't me trying to be all "Daiya was actually horrible and a terrible brother!!! He ruined Mondo's life!!" No! Not at all! It's just... it follows a trend I've created in both this fic and TPWP, where people can be generally good, decent people, while still being flawed. And in this scene... Daiya messed up. Badly. And he knew it immediately. Unfortunately, things said can never be unsaid, and the consequences of those words can sometimes last years. And, for Mondo... they did.

Now, as for why Daiya said all that... do remember that in this story, Mondo and Daiya's father was abusive, hurting not only them, but their mother, too. While Daiya himself did not face the brunt of his father's anger, the two people he loved most did, making him despise his father and everything about him. And Mondo... Mondo is similar to their father in some regards, like their blinding anger. And in the context of this scene, Mondo was acting out worse than usual, his fear of becoming the sole leader of the Crazy Diamonds causing him to lash out, which was frustrating and kind of terrifying for Daiya to see. Especially since Daiya was also grieving his mother, who he felt he failed.

Daiya seeing Mondo almost kiss another guy was just a catalyst, the one thing too much that boiled over the pot. Not to mention he was drunk, and, of course, 21 and stupid, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He saw Mondo do something he'd seen his father do countless times, and it just... shorted his mind out, everything he tried so hard to push down coming out in the worst possible way. I hope it seemed natural, though in context of the chapter I will definitely have more build up than this had. I just had the inspiration to write this piece after rereading chapter 22 of TPWP, the idea sticking with me until I wrote it down, ha. I really hope it doesn't seem too out of character for Daiya, though honestly, how would any of us know what "in character" for Daiya is? He had, like... 2 lines, and a lot of what we hear about him is told through a character wearing rose tinted glasses, so... yeah.

Finally, please know that Daiya wasn't really against bisexuality so much as he was against anything that their father was. He related liking both men and women to being like their father, which is why he freaked out so bad. I even kind of head canon that Daiya was also bi, that he fell in love with a man even, but was so terrified of becoming his father that he shoved it away and ignored it, like Mondo does. But know that if he was alive and he met Taka? He'd immediately fall in love with him (platonically, obviously) and be Mondo and Taka's biggest supporter. It would take a lot of unlearning his internalized biphobia, but he'd do it for Mondo, wanting more than anything for his little brother to be happy. And he'd see immediately that Taka? Definitely makes Mondo happy. So... yeah. Hope that makes sense!!)

(Also, yes, Mondo did have crushes on men before Taka, he just forced himself to not think about it. I personally view Mondo as being more romantically attracted to men, since he's around men more often and he feels more comfortable around men than women, while he's equally physically attracted to men and women, though he tries his best to ignore his physical attraction to men.)

(Also also, I love the idea that Daiya calls Mondo "Little Diamond," and you can pry that head canon away from my cold, dead hands, thank you very much.)

#Sentence from WIP #wip guessing game

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