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writersrkive · 3 days ago
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Don't shut up | Spencer Reid
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summary: Spencer is used to people who constantly tell him to shut up, but somehow, he feels even more embarrassed and sad when he thinks you want him to stop talking after looking at the tired and confused expression you have when he's trying to help you. The thing is you hate when people do that to Spence and would spend years just listening to his voice.
genre: fluff
pairing: Early seasons!Spencer Reid x bau!reader
warnings: mentions of the team shutting Spencer down. Derek and JJ being a little mean to him when he's spreading information. Spencer being a cutie potato. Mention of a stomachache and its causes (mention of miscarriage as one of the causes, but nothing happens). Reader not being a native english speaker, but just a slight mention.
a/n: Dr. Spencer Reid is a genius.... I am not. I literally had to search for information and copy-paste here in some parts, so if there's misinformation, it's Google's fault, lmao. I wrote this yesterday when I was about to sleep, so I'm sorry if something is wrong with the writing (even though I already edited). English isn't my first language, please be kind <3.
Masterlist Spanish ver. On Wattpad (coming soon)
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Spencer and you arrived early that morning. He hated being late for anything. He couldn't afford to be late if he wanted to stick as closely as possible to his assigned schedule, especially because he took public transport. On the other hand, you had no choice but to arrive early when you woke up at four in the morning thanks to a severe stomachache and couldn't go back to sleep.
That's how your conversation started. Your genius workmate was surprised to see you, first hour in the morning, when he walked in the office, even before Hotch arrived.
“Are you feeling better?” He asked, furrowing his eyebrows. You couldn't deny that the expression was too cute for your own good.
“Yeah… I think so. It's not even the stomach ache that bothers me, it's the fact that even if I was sleepy, I couldn't fall asleep again. You know? That happens to me a lot. Once I open my eyes, I can't go back to sleep. I've also been feeling mildly unwell for a week, but even though the medication is controlling it, it doesn't stop."
At this point, he already set up his desk, leaving his briefcase on his own chair to walk over to you and sit at your desk, next to the chair you were sitting in, to listen to you attentively and answer.
“The brain works with different phases of sleep: light sleep, deep sleep, and REM sleep. The cycle usually restarts every eighty to one hundred minutes, and we typically have four to six cycles each night.”
Hotch came out of the elevator and walked upstairs after both of you waved at him, and he let out a soft “good morning”. Emily arrived a few seconds later. You greeted her too, as she took place on her desk, but that didn't stop your conversation.
“So, it's completely normal that we wake up in the middle of the night because of that process, but if it is frequent, for three months or more, it may be a symptom of insomnia.”
Your view went to the floor, and your head nodded in a semi-unconscious movement, because although you knew that your sleep cycle was ruined by work, you had not come to that conclusion, maybe that was it.
“Now, the stomachache…” He said, taking one pen from your pencil case to concentrate. He usually never took other people's belongings or shared his own stuff because of the germs, but somehow, after a few years of working together, he had come to have a good amount of closeness with you to borrow some stuff from you. Months ago, it hadn't gone unnoticed by Penelope that Spencer had a box full of pens reserved for you, in case you needed one, nor the fact that he denied JJ one of them once, when the blonde girl needed something to write with quickly.
“The causes can be the most common, such as gas, indigestion, a muscle injury, or stress. Although there are also more serious causes: gastrointestinal infections, inflammatory bowel disease, irritable bowel syndrome, ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage..."
“Wow, what are you trying to do? Scare her?” Derek's voice invaded the place and Emily smirked.
“What? No, I'm just saying the possibilities…” Spencer whispered, looking down, a little worried that he might actually scared the person he cared more, besides his mom.
“It's okay.” You answer loud enough so your friends and coworkers would hear. “Thanks, Spence. I already went to the doctor, so I have none of… those.” I gave him a little smile. “But about stress…” The sentence hung in the air, so Spencer looked up and continued speaking automatically.
“Stress can cause stomach pain because the autonomic nervous system of the gastrointestinal tract reacts to the same hormones and neurotransmitters as the brain. This is because the digestive system is connected to the nervous system, and the enteric nervous system, which is located in the digestive system, is able to send and receive impulses and assimilate emotions.” He started to talk faster.
Your focus on the genius boy and his explanation was sincere, but maybe it was the fact that you didn't rest well, plus the fact that he was speaking too fast and not vocalizing all the syllables, that for a moment your brain didn't process what he was saying.
It was weird. At some point you didn't even hear words, just sounds from his mouth. That didn't happen to you for a really long time because you already had experience with the native speakers, even if english wasn't your mother language. The exhausting feeling of not being able to sleep well was definitely to blame.
While your brain was coming to that conclusion, Spencer could only see your furrowed brow, tense jaw, tilted head, and dissociated look.
“You want me to shut up, right?” That whisper was enough for you to come back to reality. His cheeks were red and his eyes looked a little sad, not to mention the way his mouth formed a line like whenever he felt awkward.
“Yes, please!” Derek answered instead, leaning back in his seat and looking up with his arms outstretched as if he'd had to deal with seven unsubs in the five minutes he'd been there, listening from his place to the information Spencer was giving you.
“Little genius boy got excited… again.” JJ said, looking at some documents in front of her, opening her eyes wide in an expression of tiredness and disinterest.
The young profiler stood up from your desk thinking about returning to his chair, a little embarrassed, but you took his pinky with yours —that way you wouldn't make him feel uncomfortable in case he wasn't in the mood for physical touch, something he refused unless it was you. Again, another special treat—. “Wait. It wasn't like that.” Hazel eyes looked at you intently, still with a bit of doubt. “I'm sorry Spencer. Yes, you got excited, but that's not something bad.”
“It isn't?” He questioned.
“No, but you started to speak fast, and the fact that there are some words that I have a hard time processing in English and I couldn't quite catch what you were saying because I didn't sleep enough, well, that distracted me. Would you mind repeating it again, slower?” This time, you were the one with warm cheeks.
“Oh. Are you sure you don't want me to shut up?” The boy was actually intrigued and a little surprised.
“Why would I want that?” The fact that your teammates often shut Spencer up when he tried to share extra information, or information that he had been asked about, was something you had noticed from the moment you started working with the team. You thought that was rude. You understood that sometimes Spencer got excited, gave information that was perhaps better saved for another time since you were investigating a case, or people could be tired and want silence, but the team either silenced him or made fun of him most of the time. Plus, there weren't many other things you liked more than hearing his voice.
The sweet, soothing tone of his words helped you sleep on the jet after a long case, or made you want to hear more about whatever he was talking about. Feeling like he was sharing with you, a mere mortal, some of the vast knowledge he had was nice.
“I'm always happy to hear whatever you need to say, even if it's about something I don't understand. And, right now, you are helping me a lot, so, please, don't shut up.” The crimson color returned to the tall boy's face, this time not because he was uncomfortable. Your kind and somewhat complicit smile made his heart race, like almost every time he was with you. Spencer knew that no matter how tired he got, he would never shut up if you wanted him to keep talking.
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wonderjanga · 7 hours ago
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Little Billy the Assistant
Zatanna was looking for the Champion. She’d wanted to ask for his help procuring an ingredient for a potion. All she expected was a short trip and maybe adventure. What she didn’t expect was running into a magically gifted orphan homeless looking kid.
Zatanna: *takes a detour a cramped street with a bunch of stalls selling stuff*
Billy: *ahead of her, heads to a gate leading to an alley, looks around for a bit before literally melting the lock off*
Zatanna: *sees this and stares*
Billy: *casts one more glance back before nearly feeling his soul leave his body at the sight of her looking at him*
He looked just as surprised to see her as she was to see him. Zatanna thought he was scared because he got caught by someone using magic in public. Billy was actually scared because she saw his civilian form do magic. Because what if she connected it back to Cap or something?!
Anyways, they made an uncomfortable amount of eye contact from across the street before Billy bolted into the alley. She tried to follow, but the crowd of the cramped street kept getting in her way, and by the time she got to the alley he was gone. Having lost him, she decided to ask Cap about the little boy about a week later when they were both at the Watchtower after he’d helped her find the ingredient she’d wanted. As for why it took a week for her to find him and ask for help? Billy had been avoiding her. Anyways…
Zatanna: “Cap, have you seen this little kid running around?”
Marvel: *immediately knew she was probably talking about him* “You’re going to have to be more specific than that Zatanna.”
Zatanna: “Okay… this little blue eyed black haired short little thing, maybe nine or 10-”
Marvel: *a little offended because he’s 12*
Zatanna: “-I saw him do magic the other day so he’s magical too. You know anything about him?”
Marvel: “Maybe? Why do you care about him?”
Zatanna: “Because recently I’ve had this idea of maybe having a little stage assistant.”
Marvel: “I thought you said you never wanted to share the spotlight or something?”
Zatanna: “That is true, but he was adorable! And I’m pretty sure he was also homeless.”
Marvel: *doesn’t know how to feel about being called adorable* “So…?”
Zatanna: “So he’d become my assistant and learn how to do his magic better since I doubt he has a teacher if I’m right about him being homeless. There’s also the added bonus of earning money which will benefit whether or not he actually is homeless.”
Marvel: *was prepared to say yes as soon as he heard money* “I’ll talk to him about it.”
Zatanna: “Oh? So you do know him.”
Marvel: “Maybe.”
Zatanna: “Maybe?”
Marvel: “Maybe. By the way, I’m pretty sure that kid you’re talking about has a job as a radio show host so he might not accept your offer if it conflicts with his schedule.”
Zatanna: “Radio show host? That’s a little retro, no? Buuuuuut… if he’s a show host, that at least means he has some pizzazz, so he could probably be good on stage too! As for the schedule thing, I mostly do night shows so he should be good.”
Billy mulled over this decision for many(two) days before deciding he’d accept her offer. As Cap, he told her to meet Billy at a popular street.
Billy: *waiting near a fountain and contemplating every decision he made up until his*
Zatanna: “Ah, it’s you! I assume Cap told you about my offer?”
Billy: “Yes? Could we uh… talk more about what the job would be like?”
Zatanna: “Of course! But first, let’s get some food in you.”
Billy: “What? Why?”
Zatanna: “Bud, you’re practically skin and bones.”
Billy: “Oh.” *sounds upset*
Zatanna: “Hey, hey, hey! No need to get upset! Try to think of the positives! I’m getting you food!”
They went to a little diner and ate while discussing all the things. What his job as an assistant would be, his pay, and so on.
Zatanna: “You sure know how to talk business, little guy.”
Billy: “Thank you…?” *sounds confused*
Zatanna: “I meant that in a good way.”
Billy: “Oh. Thanks then.” *smiles*
Zatanna: *just barely resists the urge to pinch his cheeks*
Zatanna stand by the fact that this kid was, in fact, incredibly adorable. Such a cutie honestly. And he’s such a sweetheart, too. After this meeting, they met up a couple more times, so Billy could rehearse being her assistant before he actually went on stage. Then the day came that he finally had to do his job…
Billy and Zatanna: *standing behind a curtain on stage*
Billy: “Uhm… Ms. Zatanna?”
Zatanna: “Yes?”
Billy: “What happens if I’m not good at being an assistant?”
Zatanna: *pauses to think* “Well, you’d stop, but I’d still continue trying to help you with your magic.”
Billy: “You mean that?” *just happy she wouldn’t immediately kick him to the curb*
Zatanna: “Of course.” *again has to resist pinching his cheeks*
The curtains soon opened after that conversation. The show must go on!
I’ll leave it up to you guys on whether he did good or not.
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Paid the Price
|| Mel x Jayce x nonbinary!enforcer!reader
|| Warnings; concussed reader, explosion, hospital, worried Mel and Jayce, mention of Mel feeling guilt, brief season two spoilers, comfort/fluff
|| Summary; when the Council building explodes, reader makes it out... mostly alright.
Requests closed!
Started; December 22nd
Finished; December 22nd
HurtCember2024; Day 17, Concussion
~~~
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The meeting was going smoothly. Jayce had gotten all of the Council to agree and you couldn't help feeling proud of your boyfriend. Mel had posted you just by the door, trusting you above all other enforcers. So, you had the privilege of watching your partners work. It was always your favourite shifts to be on, whenever you got to be their guard for something. Made the whole enforcer gig worth it.
Everything happened fast. You barely even had the chance to react before the Council room was exploded, you had just enough time to shout," Mel! Jayce!" They had time to turn their attention to you. Seeing the panic in your eyes.
Then there was nothing. When you came to you were in what looked like some private hospital room, with Mel pacing the floor and Jayce trying to calm her down.
"They'll be alright," Jayce assured, you could faintly hear what he was saying. It still felt like there was a ringing in your ears, but you could tell. Even before opening your eyes. That he was just as worried as Mel," they're tough. Right? And stubborn. They wouldn't let a building be the reason they can't get up."
"I know, I just.." Mel groaned. The sound of her heels coming to halt, you could only guess she was looking at you," you're awake. Aren't you? I see you hiding that smirk."
You slowly opened your eyes, grinning just a bit. Mel really knew you like the back of her hand, didn't she? She could always call you out, Jayce however looked surprised as ever. But they both looked relieved. You were awake and that's all that mattered to them.
"You're awake!" Jayce smiled, the first he had since everything happened. By now, that was quite some hours ago. He rushed to your bedside, hands cupping you face. You winced at the fast movement and he immediately let go," sorry- sorry- are you.. feeling okay?"
"Give them space to breathe, Jayce," Mel was smiling too when she joined his side. Hand carefully placed to your knee.
"Like you said, a building won't take me down. I'm fine. Mostly," you looked at Jayce with knowing eyes and his cheeks flushed. Mel held back a laugh.
"You heard all that?" Jayce asked.
"The important stuff," you poked his stomach.
"Are you sure you feel fine? The doctor informed us you had a concussion," Mel explained. Your face fell, a concussion? You'd be out of work for at least a week with that. Probably more if it were up to Mel.
Mel couldn't help looking at you with guilt hidden behind her worry. She had tried to protect the both of you, you were just.. too far away from her to fully protect you. Jayce she had been able to reach no problem, but she was still getting the hang of her abilities and you'd paid the price.
"I will be... little bummed I'm going to be off work," you huffed. Jayce couldn't help but laugh.
"It's always work with you, isn't it?" He asked.
"Hey, you two are just as bad!" You folded your arms over your chest, they shared a look with each other. Silently agreeing with you on that.
"Yeah okay, you got us there," Jayce replied.
The rest of the evening was relaxed, filled with easy conversations. Jayce and Mel tried to both be by your side the whole night, but they were needed for one thing or another. However one was always by your side, they didn't want you to be alone and you greatly appreciated them for it. You loved them just as deeply as they loved you.
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novantinuum · 1 day ago
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Reformation ref sheet for an AU Steven (named "Astra") who's been invading my brain since like,, April. It's VERY wide, apologies. There's a lot going on here because this man is incredibly old and has poofed way too many times for varying reasons. (See This post for how I headcanon that Steven can poof and still be considered a hybrid being.)
While I will not talk in huge length about certain aspects of his AU on this blog due to some of it involving strong NSFW themes, there is a ridiculous amount of other lore I've developed over time for Astra, and I love him to death. He is my sad, lonely mans who I metaphorically hurl against the wall like a sticky hand when I need to feel something.
This version of Steven will likely never have any kind of full ass fic or comic made about him. Despite that, I do enjoy sharing some art and fun character lore for him from time to time. So, I might as well finally give followers like... literally ANY context for him. I've had this ref sheet for a while and just have never gotten around to throwing it on here, LOL.
Ridiculously long dump about my guy under the cut.
Subnote, this was supposed to be a quick post but I can't help myself and wrote you a fucking BOOK under the cut because I love my guy so much UWU
(Content warning I guess for like, extremely vague mentions of Steven/Steven later on.)
-
The huge tl;dr of Astra is as follows: he's a version of Steven who exists for SO long that he basically transforms into something of an ancient, lonely god.
He's outlived every single person he once knew as a child, and so as a result is starved for affection. At the same time, being vulnerable is the absolute scariest thing for him and he's really shit at navigating relationships, F.
The guy is THE most powerful living creature in his entire universe by the end, and yet remains a soft-spoken, (generally) benevolent soul. He dedicates himself to acting as caretaker for the vast, populous world he exists within, and to maintain the continuing legacy of Gemkind. A big discovery that occurs in this AU is that Gems are in fact susceptible to entropy over the span of millions of years and will eventually fall "inert," (but not him because of weird hybrid biology stuff he honestly sees as more of a curse than a blessing) so a huge plotline early on in Astra's lifespan is trying to either find a "cure" for this issue or to develop a means by which new generations of Gems can be created without the reinstatement of Kindergartens so Gemkind doesn't overtly go extinct.
-
But, to start... this Steven diverges off a point in canon- this is the timeline where he actually takes up the Diamonds on their offer of the throne in the movie, believing he may have a better chance of heralding true societal change working from the INSIDE rather than stepping away. Because he pours himself so thoroughly into his role on Homeworld and his mind is continuously occupied by this purpose, he never experiences the events SU: Future, nor does he develop his "pink mode" (yet...) or corrupt at all.
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However, he's also so engrossed in his work that he's... kind of a shit boyfriend to Connie as years go on. (In that he's not terribly attentive... always super busy... their visits are often cut short, or few and far between.) Their relationship never really goes anywhere as a result, though Connie wants it to. To be fair so does Steven, but he's so scared that everything he's worked so hard to organize and set up in this new era will fall apart if he steps aside from his role for even a moment that he can't allow himself to follow that want.
At some point here he learns he can poof through a complete freak accident, and that's where things really begin to change in this timeline.
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It takes a good few months for him to reform, but once he does he's back at it with all his work on Homeworld pretty quick.
The thing is... he doesn't have an innate physical need to eat or drink or sleep anymore, because he now consists of entirely hard light. It mimics human biology to an insane degree, so he COULD do all those things, but he doesn't need them to persist. So... he kinda takes this as an excuse to cut those activities out of his schedule entirely so he can spend more time focused on his duties as a diamond.
Connie is NOT a fan of this, and this leads to some debate and tension within their relationship. That being said, they remain an item...
Up until out of nowhere, Connie dies in an accident on Earth while Steven is off planet in a place where he doesn't have any contact with them for a few days. By the time the Gems are able to get in touch with him, it's far too late to resurrect her.
The kicker? In the autopsy it's discovered that she was a few weeks pregnant when she died.
Steven is emotionally gutted by this... and the thought of what could have been... and poofs.
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The guy is understandably destroyed when he comes back in his next form, and his form reflects that- his gem flips as a sort of metaphorical severing from his own humanity.
He spends a long while in a deep depression at the loss of his childhood sweetheart... at the loss of any potential for (as far as he sees) a "normal" human life. There's a part of him that resents the choices he's made to end up in this present, but like, there's still work to be done.
And as the years move on, a LOT of that work is mitigating the growing relations (for better or for worse) between Gems and humans as humanity stretches their legs and reaches out into the stars. Humans kinda get... really aggressive in their expansion though, and quite territorial, and it leads towards some inevitable conflict between them and Gemkind. This time, with them more at fault. Things get so spicy that some groups of humans and Gems go to war.
Steven tries to mitigate one of these situations at the front lines- and gets poofed by a disgruntled Gem, speared straight through the back because she (kinda wrongly) assumed he would take the humans' side due to his ancestral ties to them.
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When he reforms this time, he is glowing a perpetual pink. The Gems don't really know what to make of this, but he seems to be in perfectly fine health otherwise, so they assume it's just a normal aspect of this new neutral form.
And while this isn't something Steven has context to figure out until like... billions of years later, what's actually happened is that he's entered a permanent pink mode, pretty much. Guy's just got that much bottled up, unaddressed trauma.
He spends a long time in this form, and over all these thousands of years oversees the slow return to peace between Gems and humans... their marriage as a space age federation... and their deeper exploration of the galaxy. Beyond their home solar systems exist a bounty of alien species they've yet to meet... some friendly, some less so. There's definitely some conflict that crops up amidst the local galactic neighborhood when Gems and humans show up on the playing field here, lol.
But all-in-all, Steven develops a fairly peaceful and predictable routine during this reformation- living more like a Gem than ever before. He's still got the Crystal Gems at his side through all of this, and they are some of his greatest confidants.
And then... without any warning... Gems begin to go inert. Amethyst is among them.
Some of them simply stop reforming after they poof... especially those who were older Gems, or who have been cracked before. Steven and the other Diamonds using their powers together are able to "fix" this at first and "jumpstart" their reformation, but it's just a bandaid of a fix- these Gems will fall inert again pretty soon. And the longer they persist without poofing from alternate causes, the more unstable their form, power, and memory becomes. (Think of this as Gem dementia at its late stages,,, oof.)
The bottom line? Just like organics, Gems aren't immune to the forces of entropy. Sooner or later, their gemstones will decay from the inside out. Stubborn to find a way to save the ones he loves as he watches them slowly deteriorate all around him, Steven dedicates himself to trying to find a cure. But deep down, a part of him recognizes the futility of this. What he believes Gemkind actually needs to do is to develop a means of rebooting Gem incubation that doesn't destroy planets, so they can rebuild their quickly dwindling population and keep their legacy alive.
The big problem with this is that Gems take a SHIT load of energy and resources to properly incubate, so that puzzle will take a long ass time to sort out. There's kinda a lot of chaos that happens during this time. The reality of their own blunt mortality freaks out a bunch of Gems, and Steven has to do damage control with the heads of state for a lot of other alien species.
In the interim, all the Crystal Gems and some of the Diamonds (White is still in the picture, though) end up falling inert. Pearl is the last of the CGs to do so.
Steven is understandably SUPER gutted about this, and poofs yet again. (Lol notice a theme? Poor mans keeps poofing from friggin' anguish. Help him.)
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After reforming with barely any changes, it's right back to work for this guy. He and the rest of his team of researchers are unable to find any cure for Gems decaying and falling inert, but they do end up making huge leaps and bounds in other kinds of tech. One of these advances allows Steven to finally deep-scan his own gemstone down to the atomic level to check for decay- this was previously a process that was very invasive, and came at the risk of irreparably damaging a Gem, but not anymore.
He expects to find evidence of the same micro decay that's been slowly eating away at the rest of Gemkind within his OWN diamond, but the thing is...
He just... ISN'T decaying at all? Even though the sheer age of this gemstone itself should suggest otherwise? As it turns out though, his existence as a hybridized being makes him kind of... an anomaly. When he first reformed all those thousands of years ago, all the data within his gem- data that would otherwise be susceptible to decay- was translated into genetic material. DNA that's woven entirely out of hard-light... but, DNA that has also been constantly regenerating itself thanks to a combination of all the intricate biochemistry surrounding the human telomere and his healing powers.
In other words, he is incapable of falling inert from natural causes, like micro decay. He's functionally immortal. Unless someone shatters him (or... heaven forbid... he shatters himself) he simply can't die.
Which, all of a sudden, makes his race to save Gemkind from their quickly approaching extinction all the more personal. Because if he FAILS- then he'll be the very last of Gemkind. There will be no one else left in this world who is even remotely like him. (Humanity has mixed and mingled with the galactic locals so much by now that they're very much unrecognizable from what they once were.)
His spirit is very nearly broken by this discovery, and he is severely tempted to throw all his own principles out the window and just sanction the construction of new Kindergartens again, if only to keep the dwindling Gem populations up and birth new generations. Perhaps surprisingly, it's White Diamond- the last Gem left who Steven actually knew since the very beginning- who urges him to reconsider. To not give up on his own morality, to not revert all the miraculous changes he's worked for these long few million years.
The big shift in the tides is when he discovers the means to jump to alternate timelines, and thus the existence of the greater multiverse. This allows him to gather intel and ideas from a far greater spectrum of sources.
And eventually... it's with the aid of many alt versions of himself from other lines across the multiverse that leads to him finding a suitable, eco-friendly solution to his Gem incubation problem. (This is the aspect of this AU I cannot discuss in length for discretion's sake. Use your imagination. Or don't, I don't care.)
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The following two sections, I'll be talking more about the broad thematics than anything else. At this point, know that there are now new batches of Gems being created all the time. Gemkind is no longer at risk of any extinction, but now- like any stable organic species- new Gems are made at the same rate that they fall inert.
So, the BIGGEST thing here with this reformation is that this is overtly where this guy picks up the name "Astra." Why a name change? Well, after White finally went inert, leaving him the last Diamond in existence within this line, it basically just felt... upsetting to him, to continue to go by a name that every person he ever loved used for him. Thus, the new name is overtly a means to distance himself from that past, and from that pain. (It's also a name he chooses while thinking back to a meaningful conversation he had with White, back before she went inert, oOF. I'll probably yell about that at some point in another post.)
So, too, is the lack of any tangible facial features. He HAS a face, but others just can't see it. He subconsciously obscures it from almost everyone's sight as a means of avoiding vulnerability. One might also have noticed by now that this guy's proportions have gotten like, really strange and sorta "stretched out" over time the larger he becomes... and this is intentional, as it's yet another way he's just becoming more inhuman in form, yet another way he's internally separating himself from those humble human origins of his.
But here's the thing, though.
Deep, deep down, to be human and to live a simple human life is basically all he's ever craved. It's everything he feels he's lost forever, with the death of his Connie. And instead, he's kinda stuck in a hellish sunk cost fallacy of his own making, acting as eternal caretaker for this world that- no matter what he does to try and make it a better place- will never quite be PERFECT. Thus, in his mind, even though he's literally fixed Gemkind's BIGGEST problem, he can't Stop. He can't Rest. He simply can't allow himself himself to lay down and Sink Away into the unknown.
And even if he could allow himself to do so, he is so, so scared of walking that path alone.
If he's going to die... he wants that end to be at a lover's side.
How, though, is someone who's basically a god supposed to find anyone in this multiverse with experiences they can remotely relate to?
Well... ultimately, Astra finds that it's far, far easier to build up a close relationship with varying versions of himself than anyone else. He's... kinda trash at it, though. This guy has so much bottled up Gunk in his head and is so starved for any form of affection that he has a habit of throwing WAY too much of himself into the relationships he engages in, and expecting that same level of commitment in return. There's one relationship with an alt Steven he's in for a while that ends up pretty unhealthily co-dependent before it fizzles out, and then another where he assumes the individual is committing to this partnership for the long run, but then no... actually Astra was always pouring more into this dynamic than he was receiving in return.
This second relationship, when it ends, is pretty devastating to him- since it was one that lasted for like, a LONG ass time. Unimaginably long. We're talking billions of years, here.
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Uh-oh! And now he's even more distanced from other people. Folks can't even parse his actual chosen name at this point- except he isn't really consciously aware of this for a while?? It's yet another silent cry for help, yet another internal defense mechanism specially intended to keep others from truly getting to know him. Because every time he does... stars. No matter what he does, he keeps getting hurt. Almost everyone he knows and loves is torn from his life eventually... if not by death, then by some form of tragedy... and he's just so, so tired.
He wants literally ANYTHING to change in his life. He craves some new form of purpose. He craves the attention of someone who might love him as passionately as he loves them.
For a while, he almost believes he's found that- in yet another close relationship he forges with an alt version of himself- but while this other Steven does care for him immensely, it's only as a friend. Which kinda kills Astra, because he's like, lost in the sauce levels of In Love with this guy. There's a LOOOOOOT of story I have here with this, oh my god. If I am thinking about this AU I am usually thinking about this Old Man Yaoi. The great bulk of it is very NSFW themed though, so y'all getting the cliff notes.
The MOST important thing to know though, is that Astra both makes intense leaps and strides in once again allowing himself to be vulnerable with this man, and ALSO kinda intensely fucks their whole mutually agreed situationship up. It's messy. I am crying and wailing at these two old dumbasses. Jesus fucking christ.
But then, it's in the aftermath of this whole deal that an individual named Orion comes into the picture.
Orion quite literally falls into Astra's world by complete accident, but it's a very lucky accident- because she is a diamond hybrid version of Connie from another universe who- beyond a few differences- has a strikingly similar history to his. The big difference, though? She never found a means to create new Gems without Kindergartens, so she was the last of just a few thousand Gems who existed in her entire line. Part of a deeply endangered species.
This version of Connie arrives in some very deep mental turmoil, and so Astra does his best to give them a stable home and a place to heal. And while a past version of him might've been tempted to throw way too much of himself into the slow building rapport they have, he's blessedly Learned a thing or two from the past few major relationship experiences he's had... and chooses to like, ease up. Just offer himself as a friend first and foremost, should they care for one. Man learns restraint, lol.
And it's a damn GOOD thing that he does, because out of the genuine friendship they foster, Orion is the one who ultimately falls in love with him first. The relationship that's established here is one that's balanced, a true partnership where they simply make each other better people. It's through Orion's encouragement that Astra eventually reconnects and makes up with that last person he had an intense relationship with, even.
In time, Astra truly grows to thrive with Orion in his life. He becomes a far more open, vulnerable person, someone who feels safe to truly exist as who he is, to bare every complicated, battered facet of his past to those he trusts. While he may have taken the LONG road to get here, he too heals. And as a result...
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One day, Astra simply stops glowing entirely. Shrinks down to more reasonable proportions. He stops hovering around on automatic, stops subconsciously scrubbing the memory of his face or name from people's minds. He stops denying his truest, deepest self- the reality that he was born an organic being, and raised as a human.
The burred reality that all he's ever truly wanted since the day his first lover died is to be a father.
To live a quiet, simple life with the people he loves.
For so long it was a mirage of a future he thought he'd never chase down, but for how much he made all the wrong choices the first time around, now he has a second chance.
And so in my brain, that's exactly what happens. Astra and Orion start a family together and continue to act as guardians over this universe for many years to come, until- after they are satisfied with the long life they've lived together, and their children have moved on to start forging their own paths- they eventually pass Beyond at their own will in each other's arms, ending their impossibly long godhood at peace.
I really don't know how to end this post lmafo, so I will simply say: if you somehow read all of this, holy shit you are so brave. Thank you for engaging with my insane ramblings. Have a nice day LOL FUIHSNUFSJG
This man haunts my brain so much I missed two off ramp turns on the highway the other day while thinking about him. Help me.
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lemongogo · 1 year ago
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sry i dont know what 2 draw anymore T_T . elendira portrait #999
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rouge-the-bat · 6 months ago
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some people are so weird about talking about opression as if its just a very cut-and-dry idea that ONLY EVER affects These people and never anyone else. when thats. really just not how anything works.
and then people act like saying this is trying to silence people and not let them have a word to define their oppression or something and its like ??? thats not what is being said ??? have words for certain types of oppression absolutely! its good to be able to have a term to use to spread more knowledge about what certain groups tend to go through!
but oppression for different groups overlap. to claim that x thing only ever happens to y people is just fucked up, because then YOURE the one trying to silence other peoples experiences.
and of course, just having a word to define what oppression a certain group goes through isnt inherently saying no one else experiences it, but some of yall certainly act like thats what it means and that perception is only going to divide you from other people and what things they also go through that are the same or similar to yours.
and it can easily influence the idea in ones mind that x people is The Most Oppressed and everyone else is The Oppressor (when oppression is an action, not an inherent quality of any individual of a non-ideological group), even when theres so many people that are hurting right alongside you and yall can be supporting one another and FIGHTING FOR EACH OTHER instead of with each other. remember, people that are actively trying to oppress others will ALWAYS benefit from people being divided and infighting.
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schnaf · 6 months ago
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day 23 aka THE COUNTDOWN IS OVER - jungsu's past birthday brrrr ppoppos
#xdinary heroes#jungsu#kim jungsu#jun han#junhan#jooyeon#gunil#ode#gaon#han hyeongjun#lee jooyeon#goo gunil#oh seungmin#kwak jiseok#jungsu23#forfreddy#HAPPY BIRTHDAY! may you have a lovely one with many kisses ♥#(ugh i was worried they'd stop this tradition and i would have been so sad about it. but now they HAVE to keep going ♥)#it's time for another concert story. or rather post-concert story.#so i did this photo thingie but when it was over and we walked out....... i completely forgot to look at the guys. i had my head down#(it was all so fast and i was struggling carrying my stuff so i didn't pay attention to .... well paying attention)#but then i walked past jungsu and i could FEEL him looking at me. his look was so intense and i don't mean this in a delulu way#this isn't me claiming we were meant to be. it's about him and he's got this.... presence. this aura. and it's very captivating#and intense (in a good way) and i was SO impressed and i still think about it#and what it was like when the other members met him for the first time (especially shy hyeongjun)#now to my more general impression. i feel like he's very intense overall? like he can probably get really angry and really bitchy#but he also loves intensely. and he loves his bois so much and cares about them so much#and i'm so glad he found a group where it fits so well. where he's one of the oldest and he can take care of the younger ones....#but also there's a leader who isn't an autocrat - who needs support too who doesn't want to carry all the weight on his own#who's willing to share the burden. and jungsu is right there at gunil's side without judging him. he's just very lovely and ♥♥♥ hbd jungsu
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moe-broey · 9 months ago
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One thing they don't tell you about the Senshi tulpa that WILL inevitably manifest in your mind to tell you to eat better is that. Every time I make myself a coffee via kuerig instantly, I can hear him. Lamenting the fact that I have become so accustomed to convenience and ease that even a standard coffee machine has become foreign to me. I am thinking about how to make coffee without use of a machine in the first place, I am wondering where my french press went, I can see him. In my mind. Showing me how to make coffee in The Dungeon. Dungeon Coffee.
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tariah23 · 8 months ago
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Man, I still remember participating in one of the many jjba zines that I took part in and how my piece was placed as the first page (for the second time) and how one of my mutuals/artists that I’ve always admired, hit me with the “oh… you’re on the front page again… 😅…” like man, that kind of killed me lmfao. I never got over it like man, what was that about.
#it’s not like i put the books together myself or anything all my ass did was submit my work#like this was from a really popular and well known artist as well like#their art has always been so gorgeous to me too I was like ‘I’m literally a nobody is this person really being shady or…’#rambling#I guess it’s nice being in a zine with ppl I don’t know or care to get to know at least now 😭… just submitting my art and running#referring to the jjk zine 😭 I need t start working on it uhh#zines make me feel so anxious man#it really did make me feel bad and almost guilty? I was like this is kind of awkward…#another zine I was in which was run by a mutual… well… I never even got my zine in the mail#and I even sent them $20 for some merch that they were making since I wanted to support and never got that either…#they deleted their blog but I see that they remade and draw a lot of DM and have a lot of popular posts here so it’s kind of awkward seeing#their art shared on the dash sometimes skeks#we’re still mutuals on Twitter but I don’t rly want to ask about my zine again or the $20 bucks#it’s okay like I owe other ppl stuff too I’m a late bird man but still loskekk#they were the mod for the zine too#I might hit them up again I guess I still love their art and they were always fun to talk to#there was another zine that I participated in where we had to purchase our own copy bro#i remember being so annoyed by that but went ahead and bought it anyway#I was invited to this zine so it made me even more annoyed#I#Guess it didn’t make its money back#or something like that but I remember being broke at the time and was pissed that I had to pay for my own book#I didn’t buy any of the merch because why when it was supposed to be free#if you’re participating in a zine the book and merch should be free
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thisismeracing · 1 year ago
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Since when did we start charging money on patreon for fanfics 😭😭😭😭 is this for real😭
hi, love. I haven't seen that many people doing the Patreon thing when it comes to fanfic, but it's pretty common for people who draw for example to set up a Patreon. I believe that everyone who does, just like myself, needs the money. I wouldn't be doing it if i didn't need to. I figured the Patreon setup was the best idea since it's not really that common for people to tip writers, we've been struggling with getting reblogs and comments, so you can imagine.
Right now, I'm applying and doing tests to get an internship, which still won't be enough because I'm also trying to apply for a master's. So, yeah, I'm really thankful for everyone who tipped me on ko-fi and subscribed to my Patreon, last month my savings were over, and the Patreon money was what helped me pay for some medical stuff I needed (Idk if you saw the whole mick schumacher's sick club, but yeah — huge thank you for everyone who subscribed/donated btw).
We often see fic writers as little robots who don't eat, drink, or sleep. We request stuff, and expect an instant reply, and when we get the content we don't even go back to the page to tell the writer our thoughts. We don't reblog, nor leave comments, but still, we expect them to keep writing and keep sharing everything as if it didn't take hours, sometimes days to come up with a 1k piece polished to what we think readers will like best. I hope I don't sound rude, I'm just trying to make a point because I'm tired of seeing writers deactivating, tired of seeing my friends getting writer's block and then people still demanding things.
On top of that, I'm still posting a lot here, from smau to blubs and long fic requests (and I won't even talk about how some pieces aren't even getting a hundred notes, which always makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if my writing is bad, or if there's anything that I could do to make the reader's experience more enjoyable), and it takes a lot of time, it's even harder to balance the two profiles now, but still, I keep sharing some of my work for free. so please, please, don't make me feel bad about needing money. thanks ❤️.
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herbofgraceandpeace · 1 month ago
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😅
#Feeling down for no real reason#So this is me reminding myself that God had given me a day!#He answered my prayers that some stuff would go well#And I got to hang out with people which was fun#And I have lots of energy unexpectedly so I’m going to go to my brother’s sports game#I asked for prayer about that earlier today actually#Cause it’s rough choosing whether or not to go when I really need to be working on grad school things#But hey God is good and I can both go and work a little today!#anyway the sad thing is probably mainly my hormones#But also one of my new friends asked for prayer about being really sad but she wasn’t able or willing to talk more about it?#So I’m sad for her but also worried#And obviously the solution is just to pray for her so I’m gonna do that and trust it to God#And the other thing (which feels too silly to share) is that lowkey one of my other new friends hinted that my crush might like someone?#She wasn’t hinting to me but to someone else while I was also in the room but only sort of part of the conversation#Plus she doesn’t know I like him#And like I don’t t have a serious crush on him or know him super well even#But still :(#It’s sad girl hours#Cause I do kinda like him and I have been interested for a while#How do I feel peaceful about being single?#And other questions I’m waiting for God to answer for me lol#Anyway!!!#I’m going to read a little of my book on the trinity and relax now that my real job is done#And then I’m going to do grad school stuff#And then I’m gonna go to my brother’s game#And then I’m going to go home
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perilegs · 29 days ago
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oh no do i need to get back into poe right this second and speedrun the games
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itsalwaysdark · 1 month ago
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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phagodyke · 6 months ago
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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waywardsalt · 4 months ago
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bellum x linebeck chapter summary drafts that won those polls:
chapter 8
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chapter 14
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chapter 20
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#bellum x linebeck#salty talks#tag works. anyways three chapter drafts and they have alt texts and the alt texts are sliiiiightly different form the actual text#as in i have 'pov' written as 'point of view' and fixed a typo in chapter 8#love that chapter 14 starts with anyways linebeck is running away from something. bc this is a chapter draft there is no elaboration#bc on my end its just. ok scroll back up to chapter 13. there it is#lil hint of. some. larger plot but not really. i can elaborate on anything related to these three and i am down to#but i dont rlly want to get specific abt any other chapters or story things. or at least dont ask me to if i want to do that i'll make#some sloppy salty talks text post talking in probably too much detail abt some fic thing im working on#not to be. like that. but im a lil sad that none of the ones here are any one of the ones with more fun comments in them#theres not a lot and theyre mostly in the latter drafts so far#my favorite is verbatim 'idk while dicking around he swallows some water'#i consider 'comments' to be the bits in parenthesis so theyre like notes for myself to keep in mind details a layer lower than the basic#plot stuff or just reminders and the one thats my favorite iirc was just like. fuck i need to figure out why this happens. and.#it solves my problem and i like seeing it there bc i think its silly#anyways here u go. three of them. there was a fourth person going along with the polls for a bit#and i personally have like. pet theories on who yall are so if the fourth person eventually wants to ask for whatever chapter draft they#were gonna vote for i wouldnt rlly mind sharing it bc with how it turned out i do feel a lil bad that that fourth person is left out kinda#my writing
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bulletbilltime · 21 days ago
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Oh y'all are sharing Spotify Wrappeds? Oh sure here's mine. I'm still waiting on my actual year-end list though. Yeah I'm making a homebrew year-end chart. Yeah it won't be ready for another 24 days. Yeah I use homegrown weekly data points harvested from local scrobble aggregators. Wait where did everyone go
#bulletbilltime rambling#spotify wrapped#every year everyone gets so hyped about the spotify wrapped and I'm internally just like#ah yes. the first of 4 year end charts.#like some sort of villain collecting mcguffins 😭#like people are sharing that exact same joy that I am; which is looking back on a year of music listening#but bc I'm a fucking nerd about it I just kinda feel isolated#I know there are communities dedicated to personal charts out there so like I know I'm not alone in doing stuff like this#I just find it so satisfying to make a chart every week and then check in every so often to see how the year's shaking out!#and I try my darnedest to not spoil myself too much on the actual placements#so that when the final chart is done I can make a big reveal out of it and find out where everything landed#(tho this year I kinda spoiled myself a bit on the Q3 year-to-date BUT it's still better than nothing!)#spotify wrapped kinda does this but it's this weird black box to me in terms of data. plus it doesn't count local files.#which is an issue when my most listened song this year was one lol#not to mention it only being january-october data#I still like seeing mine tho! in fact I'm about to write down all the songs in my wrapped so I can compare it at the end of the month#with my own scoring system & crownnote's year end (a site I upload my charts to) & last.fm's final results#they always have fun divergences!#spotify apparently is more based on minutes you spend with a song?#while last.fm is strictly plays based#then my own personal charts' system gives a view of which songs had longer lasting impact rather than immediate flare outs#and crownnote's does the same but weighs higher positions more heavily#and that combined kinda gives an interesting view of the year!!#Spotify always has the wildest picks too which end up in none of the other lists#I find these data points so engaging!!!!#I wish others found them as engaging as I do :(#I need to ramble about music charts and have nobody who actively wants to listen aaaaaaaa#the post is stored in the tags
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