#this is kinda sad but i feel like i have to be there early for games if i want anyone to enjoy my creative efforts
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they are literally just gone...
#man.................................. I do hope red team is able to somehow have fun in this event#because seeing Cellbit of all people quit early kinda hurt ngl cuz I know how much he loves qsmp#Also I'm sad he left right before Bags logged on because I feel like having someone on his team around would at least make it more bearable#... and I feel kinda bad for Phil and Cellbit because their kids are among the ones singled out for this event and it just feels rather#hopeless yeah :( I know it's just day 2 and maybe things can turn around for their enjoyment of the event but#at the same time I feel nervous speaking on my hopes because I think I might just jinx it again
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#incoherent whining warning!#man the fanbase on this site really is almost dead#an album announcement and the only person who bothered to post something is one half-retired fan#i think i will update jin songs list after all just for a sense of completion alone and probably will rank them too#(no point in 'kagepro's future' list since i gave up believing)#is there even a point in coping by using old habit (cultivated from pathetic “i want to return 2013” feelings) if it barely helps anymore#idk i'd be glad if you will ask me some random questions#about fandom favourite music or manga#whatever#i don't want to leave until 8/15 again without attempting to use this blog for something at least somewhat productive#like trying to restore my faith in value of communication with foreigners#and convincing myself that not selling everything kgpr-related and deleting this blog ~3 years ago was worth it#tbh i don't think i've ever talked with strangers about such “irrelevant” things online#no wonder initially generic fandom blog has accidentally turned into devoted notifier about all news and official materials#it's funny how on the one hand i regret dedicating so much time to it#but on the other hand i also regret not digging into it deeper#something useful(?) like having a neatly organized list of links to all the good covers tegakis mmd and such would be nice probably#but i have close to 0 motivation in current year#although it's kinda sad looking at ~10y.o. videos knowing most of them will soon be completely forgotten#or that deleted content is forever lost#not only fanworks but many translations of official stuff are lost too#because i wasn't obsessed enough for saving literally everything in my early years#i hate half-assing yet now i feel that's all i was doing
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#thinking of dinosaurs and troodontids were my favorite dinosaurs as a child#when younger i had a real full troodontid tooth fossil that meant a lot to me#for a time we lived within a few kilometers of hadrosaur sites and troodontid sites#while wider general area had many sites of recovery for the big celebrities like tyrannosaur and multiple dromaeosaurs#at that time troodontids were kinda infamous for i think the depiction in some childrens field guides and dino books#which depicted like a fantasy speculative humanoid troodontid based on 1980s model at Canadian Museum of Nature in ottawa#anyway would visit a small local paleo center a lot and woman in her 70s or 80s ran the counter of their center and rock shop#one day she asked me what my fave dino was and i said troodon so she pulled out the tooth and just gifted it to me#in little black case size of ring box with padding and transparent plastic viewing cover kinda like laminate for displaying a trading card#tooth got stolen from out my vehicle while giving some people a ride while at university before i got too poor for tuition#later during first year of pandemic owner of my storage unit died and new property owners threw away everything i ever owned#i was homeless anyway lost job due to early pandemic closures and had to allocate any money to insulin and other prescrip meds#but wouldve found a way to save my things if the new owners had contacted me#they threw out photoalbums y backpacking gear y books y musical instruments y clothes y artwork y camera y all family keepsakes#and all childhood treasures like souvenirs and gifts and school awards and writing portfolios and all the little memories#which i was always sentimental about as child#from earliest age my room looked like a natural history museum with plants and maps and library of field guides#and rocks and field trip keepsakes and all kinds of little animal figurines and mother had painted room in forest greens and browns#to feel like a forest and among the succulent plants and a globe sat the troodon tooth#parents passed when i was a child#never near any family and were always moving never got to settle into proper stable place then father passed after long sad illness#and mother put in so much effort but she passed few years later and i could not take care of myself or my remaining material possessions#and so im still quite hurt having nothing whatsoever remaining of my childhood or school friends or mother or life generally#and when trying to process grief my thoughts often come back to the troodontid tooth as a focal point a distillation of what was lost#even when young i knew it was advised not to become too connected to material physical possessions#but still there are some small little trinkets in our lives that seem to hold so much meaning and i tortured myself for losing that tooth#thinking about troodon reminds me of childhood
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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When you weren’t looking (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Marceline#Fionna and Cake#Simon Petrikov#Just casually crying at my own art while I make it no biggie#Just ahhhh they do love each other! They want what's best for each other! But they missed each other so much!! And they still are!!#Both that they miss each other in the sense that they're lonely while together - Simon's Marceline was a child and Marcy's Simon was well#Not Ice King but also kinda yeah - and she'll never see him again#It's gotten be bittersweet#It's good that he has his mind! Very good! But he is forever un-changed/re-changed#I think it's canon that Simon was returned to being in his early 30s because Golb ate his age post him getting the crown?#It's not a retcon obviously lol but it's like his future has been retconned canonically in himself that's Gotta feel weird#But it basically undid the Simon that Marceline knew - the man who raised her was un-done even though they both remember him#Both of them just have to not think too hard about it probably :')#But even not thinking about that - Simon is still getting older! He's aging like a normal human again! And everything that comes with that#I love his crow's feet a lot <3 And his hair streak is so chic how did his genes know he would look so cute haha ♪#Poor both of them - I do want them to be happy! They've just got so much sad!#I also think it's quite funny that all those years ago before I watched AT Marceline was the one fanart I made haha - the more things change#Still drawing her! I wonder if younger me would be surprised#I like her short hair :D Her long hair is lovely - all her hairstyles are lovely! - but the short hair is so cute#Really reminds me of her kid hairstyle ;u; I'm sure that doesn't hurt Simon at all haha#I draw it a lot like Tala's hairstyle as well haha - it's The Kid hairstyle!
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woe is me post again sorry but i'm like mourning all the stuff i would love to read but just. can't. having brain damage sucks 👍
#kal.dir#to probably nobody's surprise i was always a really big reader. not even like just books#but now it's like. i can read like three paragraphs before i get a headache and my eyes start crossing#i miss reading articlesssssss#especially feels weird i think because i only have like. second and third hand memories of it#i'm like mourning my loss of an ability that i personally never experienced. along with like everything else#i miss being outdoorsy and going camping and just walking around to walk around#i miss. being able to leave the house on my own 👍#thinking about early 20s me like my mental health was at its worst which is saying something but also i was so fun and cool#and i did my fair share of like. fun stupid kinda dangerous shit#there's no way i'd almost get hit by a train these days. sad!
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danny talking about how resentful she became when nobody who she self-sacrificed for cared when she died and then leaving kirsch with laura and carmilla bc "if he stays with me i might lose control again and kill him" kinda confirms my thoughts abt both newly-turnedness and anger making vampires more vampiry
but also makes me think that in more usual circumstances, when the dean turned vampires like carmilla and mattie, that shes really nice at the start to temper any of that unruly anger
#we dont have a lot of info on her usual mo i guess but im thinking a lot abt how it mustve gone with carmilla#i dont know if she was a special case or if this is usually generally how it goes#i suppose you dont necessarily need a lot of new ones do you. if youve got one vampire seductress in working condition#mattie had her role on the board#danny was just for end of the world purposes i think. opportunistic turning. to replace will perhaps#but im thinking abt how at first the dean and carmilla were kinda close. and i have no illusions abt what that meant for the dean like#im sure it was just to control carmilla. play into what she needed to ensure centuries of loyalty. and that kinda worked until elle#and looking at mattie i expect most of them will eventually start rebelling so i wouldnt be surprised if she did smth similar with mattieto#just 1000 years earlier. and at our point in the story mattie is doing strained coexistence with her right?#carmilla is well in mattie's view rocking the boat once again for a cute girl#thats so funny oh my god. iconic. take the first lesbian predator archetype character and make it so that she keeps#rebelling against the evil BECAUSE shes so gay#like literally thats her entire motivation 'of course i was just doing it for you' oh my godddd hfkjhgjhghj ICONIC#i love her so much i love her soooo much#what was i talking about. oh yeah so i think the dean in usual circumstances is very nice at first and spoils her new vampires#to foster allegiance#god carmilla must just have been so happy to have someone care about her and be nice to her i think#every thought i have abt 18 yo carmilla is so sad#but i can imagine those early years/decades of her and the dean travelling around. mattie there too maybe not all the time#but enough time. mattie there too specifically also to make carmilla feel wanted and make friendship so she wouldnt rebel#to guide her through her young vampire years probably! damn yeah i bet that was mattie who taught her all the tricks#mother isnt a vampire and i dont see her really caring. i think mattie probably taught carmilla the do's and don'ts of vampiredom#and they had fun! they had fun with it. they had cruel fun being vampires together. i think carmilla was just happy to belong#maybe mattie was happy to have a friend too idk if she had many. not many vampire friends anyway. she seems to have fun being a sister#anyway. just thinking aloud#carmillaposting
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You’ve heard of ~✨protagonist plot armor✨~ now get ready for…
cannon fodder plot nerfing!!
#misvil#misvil spoilers#sorta#tho I feel like it’s established pretty early on#yue wuhuan#deserves a BREAK and a NAP#it’s just (in addition to being sad and hurting my heart) also kinda funny#in a ‘fuck this guy in particular’ kinda way#like#do you have nothing better to do!!!#there are some other people who could use some retribution out there!!!#(also I have reached the third act so I Know Some Things beyond this the thought just wouldn’t leave my mind because holy shit)#(but ALSO I have only just reached the third act so no spoilers pls I know there’s more stuff to find out)#I just. what a wild fucking ride man#there are at least three characters I want to wrap up like burritos#give them some hot chocolate#construct a large wall between them and The Horrors
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I tried listening to Olivia Rodrigo and I'm sure this is really good for its target audience of Teen Girls Going Through A Breakup but has she actually ever put out a song that isn't about a guy cheating, breaking up with her and moving on to someone else?
like babe he's not coming back it's been 2 years you gotta find something else in your life
#red said#it's not to my taste. tbh#content aside pop music is going through a very early 2000s breathy oversinging phase#hated it with xtina and alanis hate it with ariana and olivia sorry#it's a personal taste thing but to me however hard you go with the backing track that kind of soft pretty vocal style kind of#drags it back into midtempo sludge for me#also tbh it's just extremely normal music. like i went over to her yt bc people were talking about how Weird vampire is#it's not though????? it's super not????#anyway the only one I've got anything out of is good 4 u cause she sounds more involved and less self-pitying on it#every other Olivia song I've heard sounds kinda the same bc they all have the same earnest self-pity vibe#which is what a lot of people need out of music! music that makes them feel the depth of their anger and sadness!#but idk it's never done it for me i like there to be something of a tongue in cheek or a hysterical edge#i think most of the songs I've heard from her are just too controlled and polished for them to not sound to me#like she's the person who sees you crying cause your partner is in hospital and goes YEAH I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL#MY EX CHEATED ON ME 5 YEARS AGO AND IT REALLY TRAUMATISED ME AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT and then you have to comfort her#like i recognise she's a 20 year old making music for teenagers so that is. appropriate.#but i struggled with the wallowing then too. were i a Teen at school with Olivia's character i would be so desperate to tell GROW UP#and it's not the lyrics it really is the music#heartbreak is a perfectly good theme to write on but oh my god not every song about it needs to be a mouthful call to arms
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oh no do i need to get back into poe right this second and speedrun the games
#i wanted to take my time with them but wdyfm avowed is set in the same world wahhh#leevi liveblogs#although idk if im playing 70€ for a game. thats way too fucking much.#but ok lets think about this#if its coming out in february. it would be fine if i could finish poe1 in december AND start poe2 then too and not run out of steam with#either game...#but this sucks bc i JUST got a nice balance of playing an action game and reading a vn#so my gaming needs are perfect rn#i dont want to drop both higurashi and mhw for a game thats not out yer#also mhwilds is coming out in february too iirc#i kinda want to play avowed at launch bc i know itll b popular and i dont want to miss out on the early days of a game like that#this is kinda sad but i feel like i have to be there early for games if i want anyone to enjoy my creative efforts#i know it doesnt work quite like that but i love making edits but i kinda ran out of steam for them bc#i got placed into ''500 view jail'' on tt like a lot of my mutuals there#bc we're not posting stuff that's hot right that second#which sucks ass#and i know i shouldnt let engagement drive what i do creatively. but it's a lot more fun working hours on a silly little edit#when i can connect with people over it#instead of it being just mostly ignored#bc i make things to share with others. or well ok i do make stuff for my own enjoyment but i also enjoy sharing things i like and liked doi#leevi talks
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i logged out early tonight so i could write and then i did not even attempt to do that. i am however in bed at 10:45pm so i think that’s a win
#sometimes i make these posts and im like wow it’s a little sad how much of my life is playing xiv#that i have to make myself log out early ahdjsk#but whatever!!!#i want to write this fic so bad it’s so important to corishtola canon and me#but i have to approach it from the side ahdhdjs#i think i need to redo the outline for the next part#i’ve just thought about the fic a lot and i need to clarify things#i feel like the it’s always sunny pepe silvia meme trying to keep track of what i’ve thought about lol#maybe i can work on it at work tomorrow if things are still really slow#but i kinda want to hand write it if so BUT my bag cannot fit a book and a notebook 😭#i need a bigger bag.#okay goodnight
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if i had a nickel for every time the best friend duo that was the cornerstone of an entire trilogy got split apart at the end of the 3rd movie, ruining the entire trilogy for me, i'd only have 2 nickels, but it's strange that it's happened twice
#BUT FOR REAL THO#the entire lord of the rings i kept thinking that sam and frodo were gonna get together#but i had to keep reminding myself that they're movies from the early 2000s based on books written in the 1930s (i think the 30s?)#so gay couples weren't an option#and then they just go their separate ways and i feel like the movie made it clear that they don't see each other again#and then httyd oH BOY#i understand why toothless had to leave i do#kinda#but the fact that the movie made it seem like “yeah it's sad but hiccup and astrid got married so it's not really THAT sad” is what got me#like ok got it lesson learned: all your friends will eventually leave you but it's ok cause you'll have a romantic partner for life#if you don't have a romantic partner for life well then i guess you're just fucked#it's this alloromantic Thing that society does where they treat romantic relationships as better than friendships and i HATE it#i cried for so long after i saw that movie#and the friend who i saw the movie with and who i was talking to about how sad i was#was like “i'm never gonna ditch you”#and then guess what you guys#she just stopped talking to me one day#hasn't spoken to me since#my post#ALSO I JUST FOUND OUT YOU CAN EDIT TAGS AFTER YOU HIT ENTER#SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO RETYPE THE WHOLE THING IF YOU NOTICE A SPELLING MISTAKE AFTER YOU HIT ENTER
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i’ve been enjoying neverafter so far but i wonder how different it would have been if they hadn’t had the TPK in ep 3 n kinda learned so early on abt the multiverse aspect
it does kinda feel like things started unfolding out of order which i personally don’t mind? but i think if things had turned out better/differently the season would feel a lil more cohesive
#alli says shit#neverafter#it still feels like such an early reveal that was kinda. unavoidable#but if they had survived that fight#(though i think it’s bullshit that the living furniture stayed around to kill them)#when would we have found out?#part of me feels like it would have been around the big bad wolf fight#and i wonder if we would have found out abt the lines between later too#which. lowkey i’m sad abt that dropped thread#BECAUSE THEY REMEMBERED IT RIHHT BEFORE PIB’S MOMENT LIKE YALL djdjdj#anyways. as a LoT Enjoyer i’m used to non-cohesive plots so it doesn’t bother me much#i hope that in the final adventuring party we maybe learn how info was actually supposed to be revealed
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i just finished iron blooded orphans and need to lay down for a bit
#it was so good#i don't have a lot of concrete thoughts rn just Feelings™#it was SUCH a wild ride. I'm always kinda hesitant to talk about a show bc i feel like I'm gonna spoil it but it's also not new lol so??#imma talk about it a bit anyways so tags after this will have spoilers#BUT SJFKGKDLA#so many people died 😭 imo the late deaths weren't as Sad™ as the earlier ones but still.#the way everyone changed their names and picked up new lives but still kept in touch with each other#and everyone finding Something because they kept moving forward. particularly Takaki in particular for me 🥹🤲#hearing something as simple like if u see a lot of places and learn a lot of things u will have many options. but The Way he's#living that out is just 🤌 a long way from being human debris my boy 🫂 I'm so proud of him#and I'm glad that greedy arms freaking mf got shot up in the bathroom 😼 it's what he DESERVED!!#last episode just like. rly emphasizing that even though the group is done everyone still lives on and finds their niche#and it's tragic fr how many people had to die trying to realize a dream that happened anyways 😔 though it wouldn't have#without their deaths so.. i fuckn KNEW at the beginning of the second season when Olga got the warning#about how if ur taking shortcuts/fastest way possible ur going to regret it later was MASSIVE foreshadowing#and it's just like damn y'all r letting me know this early huh 😭imma enjoy the ride regardless and what a fucking ride it was#i almost want to watch it again but there are also Other gundam series i need to check out#not for a while though.. imma do some stuff around the house n maybe draw for a bit.#just rly sit on my feelings and the Experience i just had. thank u everyone who brought up IBO it was SOOOO fucking good#feel free to recommend other favorites of yours i should check out next. mecha anime has always been a blindspot too so#if y'all have any in general from the genre lmk ^~^
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I'm either having a sudden depressive episode or coming down with something
#either way I don't feel great!#it doesn't feel like a cold. I'm quite familiar with those#I just feel strange#low energy. sad. kinda sick.#maybe it's just both lol#maybe I haven't been eating enough nutrients. and I'm also sad about being absolutely broke. and the combination leaves me like this lol#all I know is that I can't fucking wait for this month to be over so I can make enough money to LIVE lol#I'm gonna have to pay basically all my bills late this month#so anyways. feel like shit. gonna have a burguer for dinner while FINALLY watching the sofia cameo in season 11#and then go to bed ridiculously early#I have training revalidation tomorrow so at least I won't have to fly#rambles*
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i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
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