#but i feel helpless on my own
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āChloe fell first, Red fell harderā āNo Red fell first and Chloe fell harderā āNo! Chloe fell first and fell harderā āNope! Red fell first and harder!ā
No! Hear me out please.
They BOTH fell at the same time! BOTH were horribly fallen for one another but BOTH were absolutely clueless in different ways, and BOTH are horribly obsessed with each other and canāt bear to spend a second without the other. Chloe was clueless in comphet denial and Red was clueless in āI donāt get love, why is my heart palpitating immensely every time I look at Chloe? Am I dying? [Gasp] Did someone put a curse on me for every time I look at Chloe I almost get a heart attack and my body temperature increases in my face?ā
This leads to a lot of horrible situations where one desperately tries to tell the other but the other just doesnāt get it and theyāre stuck in this horrible loop until one of them has enough and they pull the other in the kiss.
#glassheart#yāall I got some opinions#they are the children of fairytales so basically theyāre bound to fall on love at the same time#they fell in the book scene you canāt change my mind#but they were developing feelings immediately after fight of our lives#yāall are completely entitled to your own opinions this is merely mine#in my opinion theyāre both just helpless idoits for eachother#also someone should explain blushing to red#charminghearts#redcharming#glassrose#chloe x red#red x chloe#chloe charming x red of hearts#chloe charming x red#chloe charming#red of hearts#red of wonderland#princess red#rise of red#descendants rise of red
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And when OPLA calls back to Zeff telling the crew to read stories to Zoro so he can hear their voices and recover faster, by having Sanji sit by his bedside on Thriller Bark and read him a book about the All Blue. What will you do then?
#literally the scene of Nami reading Zoro Nolandās book at the Baratie is my favorite addition#cause East Blue Nami is so damn prideful so seeing her do something that seems silly-#(reading to someone who isnāt listening)#-is such a fun way to mark her progress as a character#I can see her being the one to remind Sanji of Zeffās advice and the act of reading to Zoro being a way to process the sort of.#hit to his pride and even self-perception that is Zoroās interference in Thriller Bark.#why did Zoro stop him? Why would Zoro want to die in his place? Choose his dream instead of his own?#(maybe because he knew that sitting by your friendās still body- helpless- is the worst feeling in the world)#Aside from this though I can specifically see the book being about the All Blue working#cause its a reminder about what a wonderful dream Sanji has. Itās a way to regain vigor and the willingness to fight for it#after having just tried to discard it in the face of Kuma moments prior. Specially know that he knows Zoro is fighting for it too#matt owens are you out there. please#opla#one piece#roronoa zoro#blackleg sanji#opla spoilers#for like future seasons that may or may not even happen#my post#zosan
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I'm trying really hard not to just be The Complainer because that's an energy I don't want to bring here when I love (present tense; I rewatch it like 5 times a day) arcane season 1 so much but does anyone remember when powder was taken in by silco and being raised by this very utilitarian merciless 'the ends justify the means' type character made jinx turn out violent and merciless as well. and vi was horrified by her and the lanes were terrified of her and piltover was falling over itself trying to scapegoat her as the one bad apple of the undercity to kid themselves into believing that everyone else was perfectly fine with being treated as less than. and that contrasts vi after vander etc. died because she was raised by him and internalised the idea that no one wins in war and fighting back against systemic oppression isn't worth the damage it causes to your own community which is why she ended up working with cait and the council like vander worked with grayson. the people who raised them shaped them into who they are today but then in season 2 jinx has a daughter and she's suddenly completely normal and well adjusted and her attachment style isn't digging her nails in until she draws blood at all. like What. what happened. didn't things used to mean something
#arcane#arcane critical#powder was raised by vi more than vander#she barely spoke to him#and powder always cared more about vi's reaction than the dead parents on the ground 2 feet away from her#which does a lot to explain 'I am the monster you created' when season 1 was so heavy on children being shaped by their parents#vi did eldest daughter syndrome too hard. vander told her it was her fault if things went wrong and then most of her family died#vi having a momentary bad reaction to her little sister causing all of this and realising that vander was right about violence#because she's so used to it that she just hit powder in the face and made her nose bleed and it seeped into every aspect of her life#and needing to step away for a moment and just feel and cry and be a child#ruined everything and it's always framed as her 'abandoning' powder (which I understand how powder would see it that way#because I'm such a youngest sister that's my first thought too. I have to remind myself that's Not What's Happening. also powder has bpd#she demonstrably cannot handle what she perceives as rejection or abandonment or betrayal or the truth being withheld)#vi has to do So Much. why is everything her fault. I so adore how much she wants to look after powder because of course she does#but jinx isn't seven anymore. she doesn't want to be treated like the helpless little girl she was that day. she's an adult#she had to nuke the council for vi to understand that she isn't the same anymore#and she's responsible for her own actions#ITS ALL SO GOOD ITS SOSOSOSO GOOD I LOVE SISTERS#*correction: I believe jinx is vaguely a teenager in s1. not an adult (being imprisoned by piltover would be as wrong as when she was 7)#but not vi's kid sister anymore either
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[blows a kiss out to sea] for the Mighty Nein pirates arc
#I'm!! I have so many thoughts about why this arc is SO GOOD#But the short version is like#It is an arc about Fjord and identity and power and self and agency as he faces the truth of his patron and faces a rival warlock#But it is ALSO about Fjord grappling with those things bc he is ALSO processing grief and sadness and a search for direction and purpose#and grappling with disappointing disillusionment in how the world and people in your life (including maybe yourself) isn't what you thought#and about coming to resolve he has the agency and strength to not allow these things to deter him from purpose and place in the world.#Andāthis is why this is a PHENOMENAL arcāso is the rest of the Nein. Individually and as a group.#All of them are grappling with feelings of grief and sadness and disappointment and directionlessness and helplessness#just the grand malaise and relentless shapelessness of what living often is#They also as individuals and as a group together also find that resolve and strength to carry on and find self and purpose and direction#They all begin to process the very same things in their own lives and in their shared experience as The Nein. Simultaneously and together.#It's an arc about Fjord and self and agency in the face of disappointment and grief and disillusionment.#It's an arc about the Neināindividually and as a wholeāand self and agency in the face of disappointment and grief and disillusionment.#It's SUCH a strong arc bc ALL of them are taking the same internal journeyāstructured around Fjord's very externalized version of it.#And it's got incredible vibes (pirate warlocks of a leviathan!) and some GREAT set pieces. And every NPC in the arc is iconic as is Twiggy.#Anyway. In my feelings about this arc. I said this is the short version and yet.#Critical Role things#CR meta
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throwing out just One more hot dean and jack take while itās on my brain but I honestly think dean gives jack a little more autonomy than sam and cas do . Maybe.
#heavy on cas bc I feel heās a bit more ā¦ coddling? ? than Sam is ?#sam just kind of leaves jack to himself and vaguely offers support or advice#but Dean is the only one weāve seen on screen that has a MUTUAL connection w jack#like their entire start and end conversations in Optimism abt needing to stay busy & blaming themselves#they GET each other#cas is just. idk#the argument he had with jack in 14x0ā¦2 I believe ..#like jack is just CONSTANTLY trying to get ppl to understand that he makes his own choices and can handle himself#I cannot stress enough that he hates being treated like a helpless child.#thereās so much situational irony with that lmaooo#anyways#this is like half thought out I fear#I miss my guys#cal.txt#spn#supernatural#jack kline#dean winchester#dean and jack#tfw2.0#sam winchester#sam and jack#cas#cas and jack#like I do love Sam and cas as dads theyāre all his dads . dean is just my favorite im sorry#if I said people donāt like dean as a dad that much bc he doesnāt infantilize jack ā¦ā¦ would you brain me with a rock ā¦.. be honest#liek ā¦ Idk#I am noticing patterns and I do not like them or the common theme they share#goodnight gang
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I am fighting for my life to be mentally stable and itās not working
#personal*#jess talks#trigger warning cus Iām feeling really low and might vent#but genuinely I want to give up#I donāt want to exist#I feel like a burden and a scrounger#I realised yesterday that everything I have is because of someone else#I havenāt earnt anything for myself or done anything with my life#I complain that I canāt support myself#yet I make no effort to fix that#im scared of my insecurity to do anything#Iām scared Iām not good enough#Iām scared to exist in my own home#it doesnāt feel like my home#I havenāt felt āat homeā since before uni#Iāve moved house 6 times in the past 7 years#I never feel secure or safe#and I feel responsible#I wish I could just go get a good paying job and support myself and my family#all I want is my independence back like I had at uni#but even at uni I was living off of a loan Iāll never be able to pay off#my whole existence is a waste#Iām contemplating giving up on my art and business because itās getting me no where#I might as well give up entirely#I canāt see any positive resolutions in sight and I feel so helpless#but all Iām doing is feeling sorry for myself#my parents are sm worse off than I am currently yet Iām the one having panic attacks and terrified to leave my room??#Iām gonna be 26 still living with my parents achieving nothing for myself#with no relationship experience and not an inclining of self respect#grow up Jess
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Interestingly enough, there are so many different views on why Ace didn't run away in marineford, despite the fact that Oda tried to provide an explanation. It feels like I have barely seen the same conclusion between two people.
#it feels like a math problem everyone found different ways to solve for themselves#for example I myself never took āLuffy was behind meā as a direct parallel to mg#mf*#I think it's one of those cases where Oda wants you to think deeper#while yes Luffy was in danger during mf and while they were running he wasn't in direct danger at that moment#mf put the focus very obviously on wb#I find Ace turning back very connected to the scene of him sobbing at everyone trying to save him#this is a boy who was told he was worthless and unwanted all his life#because of Roger#and WB as someone who knew Roger well told him it just did not matter to him and in general#Ace made his own mistakes and disobeyed direct orders and still wasn't abandoned#(this also strongly differs from Garp's relationship with him)#and then when the man who gave him all of that was dying because he saved Ace#and when he was totally helpless and unable to save that man#Ofc the insult from Akainu would be triggering#and comparing the man he considered a savior to one he considered to had ruined his life too#a lot of people say the insult was too simple#I don't think what the insult was mattered at all#the nature of it was enough to get to him#I know ānever runningā has always been in Ace's nature and a habit#but still the reasons aren't exactly the same#it's meant to show Ace's protective nature and his fear of losing those dear to him as Garp said#am I digging too far into this?#Am I making it deeper than it is?#maybe but this is just my take on it and what has convinced me#lulu rambles#one piece#portgas d ace#portgas d. ace
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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I talk about Victor and Eli a lot but like. I wanna take a minute to talk about Stell. Mostly bc I'm thinking of my fic rn and how helpless he is to his situation despite being the director of EON. He's supposed to be in charge of the entire operation and yet there are constantly things he either has no knowledge of or no control over. And that's So interesting to me
#stell isnt helpless by any means but he also has very little control over his own operation#he wants to do what he can to protect the public from dangerous people while also not bringing harm to anyone he doesnt have to#and yet hes constantly undermined and pressured by the board of directors into going against his own morals and instincts#and hes just such a character dude#i loved writing the Eli manipulation scene because it shows just how powerless Stell feels in his own operation#and how Eli uses that to get what he wants#like in canon but under different circumstances#unfortunately hes probably not gonna appear again for a good while if ever#but ugh hes such an interesting character#hes clearly against what happened to Eli with Dr Haverty#but he thinks its okay to keep all EOs in cages forever#he doesnt want violence but hes pushed into it at every turn#he just wants to have some agency#vicious ve schwab#director stell#vengeful ve schwab#villains series#vicious#vengeful#villains duology#im talking about my time travel fic but also about canon
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I'm very glad that I'm excellent at keeping a strong poker face and a neutral tone of voice because we're putting Christmas lights up at work and all I can think about is how it's deeply fucking unfair that my current biggest worry is my bird lab final while people in Palestine are being crushed and torn to bits by monsters wearing the shapes of people who think they aren't human and how it's only a matter of time before Israel starts bombing the concentration camp they sent the civilians of Gaza to and how there's videos of toddlers crying as their houses fall to pieces around them yet everyone in the comments of those videos are blaming them for the October 7th attack and telling helpless individuals who are watching their families get wiped out and millenia of their culture being destroyed that they deserve to be slaughtered just because some of their kin dared to retaliate against settler violence.
If there is a god out there, I hate them. I hate them down to their very bones. I don't believe in divinity when such horrors are allowed to reign unchecked. Yet I'm praying nonetheless.
#vent#palestine#i just. i cant cope with the amount of anger i feel rn.#its this helpless deep fury that shuts me down#i want nothing more than to kill every zionist with my own hands but i'm helpless. i can't do anything other than boycott and watch
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also I had a breakthrough today that I had in fact overthought a Specific Problem to Death and that I had created a monster in my own mind and thatās why it felt like I was being eaten alive every time I tried to solve it.
#not to put too fine a point on it but thatās what happened with the whole is Maria going to become a nun question tbh#and I needed a counselor to say to me objectively and yet also crucially without any knowledge of me or my past:#you have overthought this and now youāre terrified of it#anyway itās so obvious but it came home to me today. slowly.#like it was just like. Oh. You did it again#youāre terrified of this because you have thought of every possibility and every outcome and every twist and turn and shadowā-#until it has become a bloated demon in your mind that is totally separated from reality#while made up of real facts and details! and tbh I know itās a common problem#but the anxiety chokehold I can put myself in is something that is so impressive and so disturbing#I can render myself absolutely helpless through the meanderings of my own thoughts#and what makes it worseāimmeasurably worseāis that I get OUT of problems through careful thought and analysis#Iām programmed that way#so I canāt escape it by the usual means. I have to back away from the monster and see it and NAME it and then it can die away.#and only THEN can I apply my usual ways of going about things. I donāt know it just all clicked today#these past few days have just been bringing it all to a fever pitch for me#anyway I guess itās also important to me that I still be allowed to be analytical about it!!! I have to use my brain!!!!!!!#in my desperation I have tried to shut it off to feel only with my heart. To try to catch the whisper of Godās voice in the wind#but tbh I am meant to use the gifts I have! But only in the right context#and thatās only after the demon has been killed or more accurately ādeflated#my counselor has been so good about this tbh. sheās so matter of fact and blunt and salt of the earth and also she sees how my mind works#and wants me to be able to use it!!#so Iām just going to tell her that I did the bad thing with this other problem and can she help me find a way forward#ANYWAY THE MONSTERS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST TREES
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#vent art#vent arts#vent artwork#depression art#this is specifically about all the anti trans bills and the united states descent into blatant facism#and how theyre stripping us of bodily autonomy and human rights#and no matter what i do my fate is in the hands of evil bastard polititians#i dont know if ill get to keep my healthcare or freedom or even life#its scary#im used to all my problems being of my own creation#problems i could work to fix#but this. i feel so goddamn helpless
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I don't know what to add, but I wanted to share this.
This needs to end.
This needs. to end.
Edit:
2nd edit in case this blows up: Do not be vile in the notes justifying or trying to recruit for antisemitism by using this genocide to justify another.
#palestine#Gaza#isreal#I feel so frustrated and helpless#I'm sharing the posts and I'm going to send emails to politicians and if a protest is organized near me I will go#but it feels like trying to hold an ocean in my hands#My own life is so full and overwhelming and then I look up and see this and my chest hurts and it SHOULD HURT it should ALWAYS HURT#what can I do about the hurt... I guess right now I'm sharing it#Comments under this tweet were celebrating this girl's death#Vile vile things#What can I do? What can I do?#I'm sharing#I'm sharing and waiting and hoping that others are more capable than I#I wish I could throw myself fully into everything and save the world#I wish I was superman#I wish I were God#So I could snap my fingers and bring this girl back#and everyone else#I'm not religious but I understand where it came from#I want to believe their souls are still out there and they are at peace#I struggle with dissociation and have little affective empathy so I've been feeling somewhat numb#trying to share what I can. trying not to look away just because my mind is giving me the out#this story struck me more because it made me think of my own grandmother's last text to me#so... That's why I'm feeling compelled to talk and talk and talk in the tags#it hurts and it should hurt and it should always hurt#and if it doesn't hurt then we need to cognitively recognize that hurt is happening and care and talk and stop it and stop it and stop it#free palestine
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hi irl friends i love you so much but trying to pick up my cane for me while it is very much accessible for me to pick up is making my job of picking it up harder. also please do not guilt trip me after saying that it is making my life harder to be constantly and inconveniently be handed my cane because it is literally the easiest thing for me to actually pick up on my own. either help me with the ACTUAL struggle of picking up my bags like 5+ times a day or dont help me at all because they will BOTH be easier for me and actually show that you care about my physical health after ive said multiple times that i can get to my cane perfectly fine. thank you
#rant post#personal rant#sorry for the rant#tw rant#rant#disabled#disabilties#disability#cane user#please for the love of god#just let me pick up my own cane#you are making me feel small and weak and helpless#and it makes me want to throw up#i just want a little bit of my own strength to be my own and this isn't helping
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Iām ready to walk out of my job.
The last straw was, this week they cracked down on overtime. This was the last straw for two reasons:
1. Normally (pre-COVID), our patient volumes are lowest in summer. This year, weāre having winter-flu-season patient volumes (flu season is always the busiest time in the hospital). We now have the second busiest ER in the metro, seeing hundreds of patients per day (weāve reached a thousand per day several times this year!!!) in a 25-bed ER. This is coupled with the fact weāre operating at 30-50% (a third to a half!!) normal nurse staffing, and have been doing so since 2021. There isnāt a staff member in the hospital who is twiddling their thumbs for a second. I heard tonight that the hospital is trying to end all their contracted labor early (and I assume weāre relying heavily on contracted nurses to fill staffing shortages!)
2. Because of this patient load vs low staffing, it is literally impossible for us to finish all the tasks we are assigned each day. But we still have to meet our metrics and are chastised/penalized when we donāt meet them! Worsening the situation: instead of asking each āproblemā staffer why theyāre always clocking out late, my department management emailed all the problem people with āsuggestions on how to leave on timeā. Suggestions that are bullshit because they donāt address the actual reason the person gets overtime consistently.
So this whole perfect storm is coming together to convince me that corporate expects us to work off the clock. Which Iām about 95% sure is fucking illegal.
#itās been a long time since Iāve been this angry#I feel helpless and trapped#we need to go on strike but I donāt know how to get the nurses involved#our sister hospital just kicked out their nurses union :(#I quiet quit months ago#now Iām fucking ready to riot#the corporation lost a lawsuit about 15 years ago regarding making people come back from lunch#and not paying them for that time#denying their lunch break#I got some money out of that suit#I want the corporation to pay for this insult through the fucking nose#and also denying staff COVID boosters#but thatās a whole different rant#I fucking hate this place#I need a new job but I donāt know where to go#and this corporation owns half of the hospitals in the city#I will fucking walk out of my job before I work off the clock#is there somewhere I can report this shit???#I canāt believe theyāre getting away with this
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I've been on a journey to discover the voice of myself, or rather, my own writing style, since who knows how long. I've always been.
I've shifted through different techniques. I tried looking at the picture from many perspective.
And the results?
Here
I might've been absent from this blog but I've never stopped adding new drafts to my collection. I would take a rest, but I will never stop writing, ever.
The first two drafts are Percilot, and the other two wriggling gibberish notes are Peter/Percival in its most glorious form; my native language. <ā (ā ļæ£ā ļø¶ā ļæ£ā )ā >
I'm not translating those because in my opinion these are best to be enjoyed in its original language.
Nah I'm just too lazy. Use google translate or any translating devices if you can't read
#kingsman#james spencer#kingsman percival#percilot#peter smith kingsley#all these drafts and I still haven't found what I'm looking for#some of them even feels foreign to me#like when I read it I don't think it's my own writing at all#I don't know anymore#it's fun to explore new things like these but also pains me when I think I can't do them justice#I feel helpless sometimes
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