#but i feel better. i think some of the anxiety comes from like

[magicalmutants]

I’m All Run and You’re All Fight

Two years

You knew what day it was as you lay awake in bed. You knew it was the middle of the night, that if you turned and looked at the clock, it would say 3:45am. Wide awake thinking about him. You wonder if he thinks of you too.

It had been two years since you had been roused from a fitful sleep to be told that your world was fissuring into something broken and ugly. You squeezed your eyes shut as you tried to block out the memory.

“He’s gone. Wiped out the whole village. He’s not coming back.”

You sit upright as you hold your head in your hands. Trying to shove those memories back into the little box you contain them in somewhere in the back of your mind. Somewhere where they couldn’t hurt you. Breathing shakily, you reach into your nightstand and pull out the pack of cigarettes and lighter you keep there and climb out of bed to pad softly over to your window.

You hold the cigarette between your lips as you light it, the harsh taste of burning tobacco filling your mouth. You wrinkle your nose, always forgetting how much you despised this brand. But menthols taste like kisses and summer and a life you’re desperate to forget. These will have to do.

“Here, since you’re so desperate to follow Shoko to an early grave. Try one of these, they kinda taste a little better,”

“You smoke them too! Besides what if I like these ones?”

“You don’t. You always pull a face.”

So much of who you are is an amalgamation of everyone you’ve ever loved. The way you take your coffee because that’s just the kind that Shoko brought for you when you were exhausted from studying. The way you still cut your hair the way that celebrity you idolized when you were a teenager used to cut hers.

But so much of you had been shaped by him. His ghost always floats in the corner of your eye, just out of reach. You’ve buried him, feeding the corpse that you stuffed full of memories to the night inside your heart. A cold place. A dark one. A dead one. And still he persists, still he lingers in the shadowy reaches of your sense of self. The parts that are jagged and bleeding from how hard you’ve tried to sever them off. They say the body holds memories that the brain forgets, and if you could peel back your skin and go bleeding, raw and bloodied into the world, vile and unrecognizable, you think you would. You would forget yourself and become something entirely different; something entirely separate from him. Could you still be yourself if you replaced every single part of your soul that he had touched? At what point was the ship of Theseus no longer the Argo when every part of it had been replaced?

_____________

Suguru loved watching you when you were like this. Pretty frown on your face as you tried to block out the memories he knew were trying to break through the prison where you had confined them. Here is where you were different: he let them wash over him, relishing in the pain they caused him. He loved the way it felt to miss you. The chest-splitting feeling that made it hard to breathe and brought that lump to his throat that he sometimes hoped would suffocate him. The nausea at the feeling of some cavernous, gaping hole in his soul, somewhere where his heart would be. The anxiety that he felt, knowing he could never fill it. His torment and your pain were the thorns that decorated the crown on his head. The halo that left him scratched and bloody.

He watched as you swore, he could almost hear the whisper of your voice on the wind as you put out the half smoked cigarette and threw it out the window before slamming your fist into the frame.

There you were.

His violent girl.

Suguru had always been in awe of how easily violence came to you, and how hard you tried to hide it under your soft spoken words and tender smiles.

He remembered the first mission you had ever gone on together in your first year, teeth bared in a snarl as blood dripped out of your nose.

He remembered the moment he noticed the flash in your eyes as the corner of your lips ticked upwards into something that looked more like a smirk.

He remembered how divine you looked as blood and gore flew around you, the air seeming to crackle as you danced at the epicenter of a terrible storm of death and cursed energy. Goddess of rage and terror. Goddess of beauty, because after all, how could you know beauty without knowing terror?

And he remembered how suddenly you stopped. How your eyes softened and you asked if he was okay. How you had sounded almost bashful.

“Where have you been hiding that?”

“Don’t be stupid,”

“Why are you embarrassed? You were beautiful,”

Maybe you were destined to be a perfect paradox. Suguru walked a path of violence, forcing step after step, knowing each one made the rot inside him fester a little more. You tried to bury violence deep inside you to quell the rage that had threatened to consume you all your life, burning up your insides and begging to be let out.

Two sides of the same coin, two people with the same curse, wasn’t it Shakespeare who said these violent delights had violent ends?

Your head snapped up and Suguru felt the blood freeze in his veins as your eyes seemed to lock directly onto him.

“Are you going to kill me?”

“Is that what you think of me?”

“I don’t think of you,”

“I do. I think of you every minute of every day,”

“Is that supposed to make me feel something?”

“You might not understand, but I’m doing this for you. I’m saving us, all of us,”

“Ha. And when you’re done saving everyone, and all you’re left with is whatever stares back at you from the mirror, Suguru, who will save you then?”

He remembered the torment in your eyes as the violence you spent your life concealing threatened to burst forth, he caught some of it in the harsh sound of your laugh as you spat venom at him.

He still didn’t have an answer for you. When all was said and done, and his hands were covered in blood that he could never wash off, and the decay that putrefied his insides befouled the rest of his body, and all he was left with were the words of his mother and the cold look in your eyes, what would he do then? Saviors had always suffered their torments, but he was no saint. The devil walked by his shoulder and forced his mouth open every time he consumed another curse and guided his fist every time his knuckles split against another face.

Crack.

You had closed your window and gone back inside. Suguru took a deep breath and tried to mask his disappointment with smugness. You still loved him, of that he was sure. So he would come back next year to make sure, and perhaps one day you wouldn’t slam the window closed when you sensed his cursed energy. Perhaps one day you would confront him. Perhaps one day you would finally let loose the fire of the rage that you had always used to cleanse foul things. Perhaps one day he would be worthy of being purified by it. Suguru had once dreamed of getting down on his knees and asking for a life with you. Would it not be so much sweeter to die at the feet of the only person who had seen flowers grow where he saw only rot?

A/N: concepts of this have been floating around my drafts ever since I screamed with @gothsuguru about Ethel Cain (ty for matching my freak Kairo <3) and tonight I finally had the time to finish it ! A very late happy new year to you all, my loves, I hope you’re looking after yourselves <3

[lsunstreakerl]

little darkbull carlos and max snippet! 800-900 words, kind of fluffy, all things considered.

Hi! still darkbull verse. mature content implied and all that.

Carlos is trying to review onboards at the factory when Max comes back in, strolls right across the floor and settles on top of him on the couch. There's no hesitation in it anymore- maybe there was when they were a bit younger, and Max still had Jos' voice in his head, slimy and oil slick, telling him what not to do.

Carlos doesn't really think about that Max too much. He's much different from the current Max, who's winding their legs together and propping his chin onto Carlos's chest, blue eyes blinking at him.

He gives up on the onboard review, settles the tablet down on the floor as he runs his hands down Max's back, fingers tracing the ridges of his spine.

"I thought you were with Danny?"

Max hums, bringing one hand up to carefully curl Carlos's hair around his fingers.

"I was. But he is stressed about next weekend, and I did not want him to have to pretend to feel better around me."

Carlos hums, twisting his head to kiss the inside of Max's wrist, just above the bracelets. He's more observant than he lets on, Max.

Painfully oblivious about the real reason, sure, but not stupid. He's clearly picked up on the fact that Daniel tries not to show stress around him- around either of them, really- but he's attributing it to the wrong thing.

Carlos knows Daniel is stressed because they're doing well this season. They're doing well, and they're riding the high, the whole team is, but-

They'll have to come down eventually. Max will be upset, when it inevitably happens. Daniel and Carlos have a responsibility to try and mitigate that damage.

There's a folded piece of paper in Carlos's dresser drawer, his own loopy cursive and Daniel's rough scrawl, passed back and forth and folded so many times that parts of it are illegible now.

It's their list of things Max likes. What pulls him out of a funk, what he does to let off steam, what they can do to him that turns him into liquid between them, sweet and melted and soft.

Carlos runs his thumb along the inside of Max's wrist. The decoy tracker is embedded there, a slight bump that Max thinks is a weird bone spur. It's not the actual tracker- he has one nestled next to his spine and another tucked deep into his ankle- but it still gives a signal and a heart rate. Enough to be convincing, if it got closely inspected.

Some might think Redbull is stupid, putting one so obviously in the wrist, but Redbull has a bit of a partier reputation- it's believable that it's the only tracker they have.

Nobody would expect the redundancies, even if they should- Max is Redbull's prized possession. They would never compromise his safety.

He breaths out a soft laugh.

'Never'- except for when Max is in the car. Carlos half wonders if they'll ever pull him out of it, tell him he can't drive anymore.

He wonders if Max is in too deep to notice.

He wonders if Max is in too deep to care.

Max presses a kiss to his jaw before tucking his head into Carlos's shoulder.

"Something funny?"

Carlos presses his fingers a little further into the dip of Max's back, applies pressure the way he knows he likes as Max goes liquid on top of him with a soft sigh.

"Just thinking about Danny. You know how he is."

Max hums, lips pressed into Carlos's skin. They're getting chapped again- he needs to get him more lip balm. Max doesn't believe in it- thinks it's stupid- but he'll sit still for Daniel if he asks, will patiently let Daniel press it into his lips until they're soft and shiny.

Probably because he knows he'll get kisses from them both out of it.

"I wish I could just tell him to stop worrying. The team is doing well, it will of course be okay."

Carlos rests his chin in Max's hair. He'll need to talk to Daniel sometime tonight, after Max has fallen asleep. Figure something out to sooth the anxiety. They've got a break coming up soon, and Max will go with GP and his family, so things need to be good when he leaves.

If GP gets even a hint of dissatisfaction from Max-

Carlos puts the thought out of his mind. Max isn't acting dissatisfied right now- just concerned. He's being sweet.

"He'll be alright, just needs to have some time to think it through. I'm glad you came to me."

Max hums again, but it's softer already, half dozing.

"Read to me."

Carlos feels his mouth twitch up involuntarily into a soft smile. Max likes to fall asleep like that sometimes, with Carlos reading one of his novels out loud.

It's definitely the accent thing- Max has a preference for it.

He lowers one hand to feel around underneath the couch. Pack of gum, condom wrapper, gun, Xbox controller- there.

He pulls the book out with his fingertips, patting it against the side of the couch a few times in case there's any dust on it before flipping it open, holding it in one hand while the other moves over Max's spine in slow strokes.

Max shifts a bit before falling still again.

Carlos begins to read.

[floralscented]

──ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤrun for the hills ㅤ ♫ ⋆ ｡ ♪ ₊ ˚ ♬ ﾟ . ㅤ (18+!)

rockstar ! charlie & sunshine. now playing ! run for the hills, tate mcrae. find sunshine's setlist here.

charlie shoves his thumb into your mouth, dragging your bottom lip down and prying your mouth open in the process. he shifts a little against the wall, still keeping you held up with nothing but the strength of his muscled thighs.

you take the reprieve, your head tipping back to knock against the wooden door of his dressing room, heaving deep breaths around your raw voice.

he needed this, he told you ─ pleaded you, really. he was new to all of this, didn't know any other way to tamp down the pre-stage jitters besides pinning you to the nearest surface in his dressing rooms and fucking the anxiety out of his system.

you should know better.

talking shit on dozen roses and powerless the way you did, just to fuck one of the lead singers, simply at the mercy of his beck and call? dean would kill you, if he knew.

but dean didn't know. what he didn't couldn't hurt him.

charlie's slapping all over himself, his face contorting in a mix of frustration and confusion, until his palm smacks against something hollow.

your lips fall into a frown. "no."

charlie thrusts once more again, sharp and teasing all at once. sharp, because he tends to use these moments to stroke his ego in whatever way he can. teasing, because he can't keep the grin off of his face as he does, relishing in the whimpered gasp that always follows from you. "no?"

your eyes track the pack of cigarettes as he plucks it open, places one between his parted lips. you make a reach to snatch it out of his mouth but he's used to this part, too; immediately tilts his head back and just enough out of your reach.

"no," you repeat, instead smacking your hand against his shoulder. he doesn't even faze. "i'm sick of smelling like cigarettes every week because of you. and, not to mention, the secondhand smoke─"

"now, pretty," he chides, somehow making two words sound like you were being scolded, "name a time when i've purposely blown the smoke in your face."

your frowning lips drop into a frowning scowl. "i hate you."

no, you didn't. and he knew you didn't. that's why once the cherry of the cigarette is ablaze and the awful bitter smell fills your nostrils, he goes right back to deliberately slow grinds of his hips into you again, watching your face twist in the cacophony of emotions.

"don't say that," he mumbles, plucking the cigarette from his lips and just as deliberate in the way he blows the smoke between your parted lips. asshole is on the tip of your tongue, but you can't even bring yourself to be angry at him then, like you wanted to be; not when he knew so well, now, how to pick you apart.

one hand is on your hip, the other holds himself up against the door, supporting your weight with his weight ─ and keeping it from rattling too much. charlie catches your bottom lip between his teeth, sucking it into his mouth before releasing it.

there are moments that you think you might mean something to him. a foolish thought, but it always comes. it's in the way that his eyes soften just a little when they meet yours, how intimate it is to have nowhere else to look but his eyes as he buries himself deep between your legs.

but then there's a physical switch behind them, like a wall slamming down on whatever emotion it could possibly have been. some people have post-sex bliss, where everything feels softer and more molten. charlie gets it right before the end, and somehow closes himself off when the situation is finished.

it's sick that you know this much about him. it's sick that you recognize the flicker of warmth in his gaze and know he's about to pull out, and then what?

sure enough, he pops the cigarette in his mouth again to reach between the two of you, his eyes falling to watch as his hand makes its way under your skirt. there's no love in the way he thumbs at your clit, or how he brings his fingers up to lick the taste of you off of him. still, you fall apart all the same.

he plays you like an instrument, and charlie's always been musically inclined.

at the very least, he keeps you held up against him as he slips out of you, his forehead pressed to your cheekbone while he fists at his cock until he finishes, too.

intimate moments wedged between the irritating ones. you're gonna taste like smoke for the rest of the night, maybe a little in the morning, too, but he's nuzzling his face against yours and breathing heavily against your mouth.

you risk it. you probably shouldn't, but you do. your hand raises to his cheek, stroking a soft line over the angular cheekbone. and charlie laughs, breathless and warm. "don't tease me."

"why?" you tilt your head, breaking the skin to skin contact to be able to properly meet his eyes.

he grins, lazy and sated, before leaning in to steal a proper kiss from you. "i just..." he's gentler this time, maybe, but nothing is different. it never changes, no matter how close you get to breaking through those tall walls he's built. his words are a little muffled around the cigarette between his teeth, but still hurt all the same. "don't want you to think this is something... fuck, i dunno. don't want you t'get attached, and that i want to─"

"keep me around like it's easy?" the words are as bitter in your mouth as the lingering cigarette smoke is. the end of it brightens as he draws in a breath, not even bothering to deny or lessen the blow of everything. "trust me. i know exactly how you feel."

it's not that you love him. you aren't even really sure that you like him, most of the time.

you just wish that charlie baker was a little more like the charlie in your mind. the one that he keeps so tightly locked away from you.

that thought drives you away from him, pushing at his chest so he's no longer crowding you against the door. he lets you. he always lets you.

maybe it wasn't self respect to always come back, but you had enough in you to know when to leave. don't get attached, he'd harped on. as if he ever gave you enough to get attached to.

"stayin' for the show?" he asks, turning his head this time to blow the smoke away from you.

you smooth your skirt back down, leaned over his vanity to fix your hair and the lipstick he smeared down your chin. you meet his gaze in the reflection with a little smile.

"no," you respond, and it's wicked, how the little flash of surprise on his face makes you feel good. "i've got a date and a song with jensen tonight."

song credits. i've said it every time so far but INTERCONNECTING ALL OF THESE IS SO FUN FOR MEEEEE. sorry for the light smut i didn't wanna get too into it but i wanted you to be able to meet charlie & hate him.

sunny's monthly listeners. to play / pause on being tagged, comment sunshine! @titsout4jackles @moonstruksandco @starzify @ultravi0lence14 @itzavahere @sagegreen17 @bruceewayne @jays-bonnie-on-the-side @deansbeer @blushpinkdoll @warpedless @sabrinasopposite @k-slla @deansbite @foolinthera1n @honeyryewhiskey @angelblqde @whyyouegg @bluemerakis @fallbhind @jackleslvr @figthoughts @beausling @chevroletdean @mccartneyqp @bluestrd @sthefferrete @rubyvhs @tortureddarkstar @aileenunfiltered @frosttbitessam @theosaurous

[proud-cloud]

Three Cheers for sweet revenge plot song by song according to me

My credentials are that uhmm ive listened to this album like weekly since i was like 12 and uhm im taking english A-Level (crime and tragedy) sooooo

Full disclaimer i could do a line by line analysis on pretty much all of these songs but then this would be stupidly long so im just touching on the points or lyrics i think are most important for the plot! Oh and i cant spell and im trieddd of writing academic essays so im kinda yapping ngl

HELENA

honestly i barely have anything to say here but i imagine its the demo woman’s funeral (yes ik its abt Gerard ways grandma but let me cook) kind of setting the tone and exploring his grief, creating the circumstances for his deal with the devil - especially in the bridge.

GIVE EM HELL KID

Ok so here!! Is where i start to have more to say!! So in my head the man (im just gonna call them tje man and the woman or like he/she from here on) has accepted the deal with satan to kill 1000 evil men and is basically on a killing spree? So from my immense medical knowledge of watching house im preity sure epidrene is a steroid, which like gives him energy (interestingly ive been on them a few times for asthma and they have a long list of mental side effects such as uhhh mania (fall out boy whooo) anxiety and depression which maybe foreshadows his sorta insanity towards the end as his guilt haunts him) acting as a symbol of his immense motivation to see his wife again, so verse one especially is before his downfall where hes like yippee killing people to see my wife again!! The chorus i imagine is sang by both him and the woman in heaven as they both long for each other uhm and later on in the song it does seem as if hes begining to kind of loose it a bit due to his grief? kind of foreshadowing his well everything later on in the album. In the bridge i imagine hes kind of mocking their teenage selves (linking to im not okay later on) especially in the line “we are young and we dont care” criticicing their hopefullness by comparing it to their current circumstance - ironic as it only gets worse from here.

TO THE END

Now i know this is based on a rose for emily (i tried to read it and there were a LOT of slurs from what i remeber so that was yeah) but for the sake of my silly little narrative were kinda just not gonna touch on that. So here i believe the man has been set to kill this couple, just to find the wife has killed her husband (with the “cyanide you drank” i assume) which drives him into a sort of crisis, questioning if this was what would have happened to him and his wife if she had lived and they had stayed married for this long (fueling his sexuality crisis in prison). I could go so much further into this, especially language wise but for the sake of everyones sanity ill leave it here :)

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO GUYS LIKE US IN PRISION

so hes literally in the middle of a gunfight in the centre of a resturant and the police come and theyre like come with ur arms raised high and ok so!!! Theres many people who could explain this better than me but the man gets arrested for killing all these people and gets sent to jailllll. Ive heard some people talk about it as an allegory for SA in prison and others who talk abt it as him realising his gay/bi ect and honestly i can see both. I really like the line “too much to late or just not enough of this, pain in my heart for your dying wish, i kiss your lips again!” Which, running with the latter intrepretation, suggests hes feeling regret for all the murdering hes done and is questioning if he ever did love his wife this much, and if he should move on and fix his mistakes. So to make a long story short he has a sexuality crisis in prision! Toward the end, he escapes prision and with his “friends” from jail, lilely from setting it on “fire” (i got the friends bit from the lyric “but ill go down with my friends”) escaping jail but at the cost of further loosing his sanity and grasp on morality.

IM NOT OKAY (I PROMISE)

for conveniences sake he either gets knocked out (the giggles at the end of prision i guess beinf from a concussion or something?) or just like goes to sleep somehwhere after the prison break with the other ex inmates and has a flashback to his time in high school, when he fell in love with his wife. As an audienve were kinds like dude she did not like you back then calm down which makes us question the morality of his mission, but for him it reminds him of what hes fighting for and erases the doubt he had in their love in to the end and prison. I will say im kinda pidgenholing this in with the flashback but uhm yeah!

THE GHOST OF YOU

This song acts as a continuation of his grief, back in the present day after im not okay made him remember what he was doing this all for. This basically confirms his belief that killing all these people is right because he needs to see her again. He battles with his morality knowing that she should be “never coming home” cause shes dead but then considering the deal with satan and its morality asking himself “could i? Should i?”. Towards the end, it seems like he decides killing the men to bring her back is the right thing to do. the line “If i fall, down” seems to show his commitment to her regardless of morality, hes willing to ‘fall down’ to hell if it means he gets more time with her which is ironic as he later does go to hell, but never gets to see her again.

THE JETSET LIFE IS GONNA KILL YOU

and hes back to killing again!! I think “her killing jar” is a metaphor for his fixation on his wife and the things its driving him to do. Hes trapped as if he was in a jar by the deal he made with satan for her. Its kind of difficult to explain but essentially hes assuring himself that hes doing it all for her and its all worth it as his sanity slowly dissipates, which i believe is demonstrated through the lyric “pull the plug” kinda symbolising hes giving up on himself and dedicating everything to her. Now this is obviously unhealthily obsessive and is the point where we definately start to question if what hes doing is right - is he not essentially playing god now? Should one man act as judge, jury and executioner?

INTERLUDE

ok its literally just the interlude but here i beleive he is praying for god, the “saints”, to “protect” his wife in heaven further showing his like motive? For all of his murders - his love for her however dangerously codependant.

THANK YOU FOR THE VENOM

HE KILLS MORE PEOPLE 🔥🔥 its almost like he has to kill 1000 evil men damn. BUT now hes starting to loose his grip on reality and is killing innocent people. I like to think he goes to the church he married his wife in and starts killing people - hence the line “sister im not much a poet but a criminal” - hes changed completely from the man he once was. They try to convince him to like stop saying its not what his wife would have wanted but he does not listen - in the lyric “preach all you want but whos gonna save me” - and continues to spiral into a life of crime and implied addiction (when in the chorus he says “give me all your posion and give me all your pills”)

HANG EM HIGH

THIS!! This is the one i can never fully figure out despite it being so good 🙏🙏 it feels like a cop out to say he suddenly becomes a cowboy or idk has to kill a cowboy but any other way i can interpret it is just the same old back to mourning his wife and dedicating his life to her so uhm yeah take any of those 3 or your own and run with it (please tell me if you know how to make this fit better than me)

ITS NOT A FASHION STATEMENT ITS A FUCKING DEATHWISH

Hes now so deep into his mission he cant quit despite the regret he feels. This kind of links back to his mocking of their younger selves in give em hell through the lyric “do you remeber back there when we met you told me this gets harder, well it did!”. Hes kind of pondering how his life got this bad wishing it didnt have to be this way. however he believes they will soon be reunited - evidenced through lines such as “im coming back from the dead” and the repeated references to resserection and him finding his wife, “your running out of places, to hide from me”. At the end, he says “i lost my fear of falling, i will be with you”, further showing he thinks he will soon see his wife again and simmilarly to the ghost of you shows hes willing to sacrafice his soul just to see her again

CEMETERY DRIVE

trust me the fake music video in my head for this goes HARD. So he visits the cemetary where his wife is buried to kinda tell her in a way? That hes almost finished and he’ll see her soon. And in my like the cool cinemetic imaganary music video he dances with her ghost but uhm plot wise hes kinda lamenting how much he misses here as the chorus goes “i miss you, so far”. Now theres some confusion as to how she died as here it says “and they found you on the bathroom floor” but in i never told you it says “they gave us two shots to the back of the head” so i imagine he got caught up in some like bad stuff and they killed her in their home - the bathroom - which does add some depth to his grief as he feels responsable for her death hence why he wants to bring her back so bad. His dedication to her is reinforced through the lyric “so i wont stop lying wont stop dying” which as ive said a lottt shows his like questionably large levels of motivation in this mission from satan. The repetition of “way down” at the end foreshadows the twist in the next song - that he's going to hell - and this idea has been building up throughout the narrative but its reaching its peak now and we begin to see it as a serious possibility considering the innocent people he has killed alongside the guilty ones.

I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING

Aaaaand im realising ive made it all the way through this without even having to check the tracklist which shows that i lack a life! But anyways this song communicates the concept so well and i genuienly could line by line delve into it but for the sake of conciceness as i have been i will just cover the basic concept

OK SO! Hes metholodically getting through this list (im inferring he has a list from the line “i keep a book of the names”) kind of rushing through them, seen through the fast pace of the first verse, in my head it resembles a video montage of the murder of multiple people off of the list. This is further evidenced through the lyric “another knife in my hands” showing this has somehow become his everyday life as hes become so detached from normalicy in his grief. NOW NOW NOW the lyric “a stain that never comes off the sheets” is an allusion to lady Macbeth (I FREAKING LOVE SHAKESPEARE) (im a hamlet girl tho honestly) where she couldnt wash the blood off of her hands which is a common literary symbol for guilt showing his mission has taken a massive toll on him mentally if we did not already realise this. “It aint the money and it sure as hell aint just for the fame” implies he does not enjoy killing these people despite the fact hes killed probably over a thousand people which againnnn shows his dedication to his wife. Now i know ive said that about a billion times but thats important to consider when we take into account that he does not get to see her again - everything he did was essentially worthless, in fact if anything everything he did just sealed his fate. Therefore, if we view him as a tragic hero (i can go so much more into this but thats for another day) then his hamartia is his love for her, his loyalty which kinda gave him tunnel vision meaning he could not see the flaws his plan and the way he was being exploited by satan.

now theres so much symbolism in the lyrics i could discuss (I LOVE THIS SONG) but i will refrain and kinda skip forward to the bridge/the end. I like to think he turns the last page in his book of names to just see his own name and then begins to spiral - this is where the song goes “and we all fall down”. Im preitty sure gerard ways like screams say “i tried” which like furthers this breakdown as he comes to understand all the wrong he has done and his inevatatable damnation. After a large moral debate he thinks it would have been better if they were both killed together originally “never again / they gave us two shots to the back of the head” and he shoots himself in the hope he will eventually be with her in the afterlife, and if not then a life without her is not a life worth living anyways. It ends with the lyric “were all dead now” (which they are) which reminds me of the rhyme/ game from when i was a kid ring a rosies (which i swear is about the plauge) and how that ends by saying “we all fall down” kinda showing the corruption he brought into the world and that everything must come to an end. This is typical of a tragic hero - his anagorisis (realisation of his flaw / mistake) and then his death - which is why i personally do veiw this album as mostly conforming to troupes of traditional greek tragedy :).

aaaaand thats it!! I dont count bury me in black or desert song as part of the album plot uhhh if anyone else does id love to hear how that sounds so cool but yeah!!! Oh and sorry again for any typos and spelling errors i cannot spell for the life of me uhmm this could be so incoherent for all i know (if so sorry!!) but i hope not ���

lmk if you’d actualy wanna hear the full yap poetry annotation style for a song cause i love nothing more if not talking i might do the same for danger days if i feel like it so watch out 🔥🔥

[lukie17]

The Next Morning

Part two of

Caleb woke up looking for your figure next to him but he only found a cold empty space. Confusion was replaced by worry as he heard your cries coming from the bathroom, Caleb rushed to the restroom as anxiety cling on to him. Had he done something to hurt you? Was he too intense the night before? Why were you crying?

He felt his soul left his body as he saw you in the shower, cleaning your body until you left a red impression on your skin.

"Pipsqueak?" Caleb saw you jump but you did not turn to see him "Tell me was wrong" He did not understand what he did wrong, yesterday you were desperate for him in the same way he had been ever since he was a teenager. In your eyes Caleb could see the wave of emotions that were plaguing you: regret, fear and even pain.

Stupid idiot, he should have know better, he should have know you better. He should have stopped you, wait for you until your head was not acting out of instinct and anxiety. Slowly, as if he were testing troublesome waters, Caleb stepped into the shower. You were not running away, but you weren't looking at him, it pain him how you flinched when he raised his arm to turn off the shower.

"I am sorry" his movements fast and swift as he used a towel to envolve you "Forgive me, pipsqueak. I should have know"

Swoly his arms moved to your body, waiting for your rejection, when it never came he pressed himself closer to you. His hands drawing soothing patterns in the skin of your arms, letting you cry until you decided to face him. Unable to resist the urgency of his touch, your body betrayed you and you his in Caleb's chest, the same way you used to whenever you had a nightmare or were scared. It felt like home.

"I am sorry" your apology did nothing to tame Caleb's anxiety. Gently he lifted your chin until your eyes meet each other's "I didn't mean to... I got anxious... I didn't want to lose you. I had to do something to make sure you would never go" your hands grabbed his face digging your fingers on his cheeks "I cannot loose you again. I can't lose my Caleb" desesperation filling your voice.

How was he supposed to react? Caleb had loved every second you were clinging on to him, but was that one the only reason? Is that the way you saw what you have done? It hurted him, he had loved you for years, yearning and waiting for an opportunity, waiting for you to feel at least a fraction of what he felt for you to not olose the Caleb you once knew. The possessive part of him, that he tried to buried, made his way to the surface, his big frame towering your small one until you were merely a breath away.

"What?" Disappointment and anger filled his voice "Is that what it was?" His fingers make his way to your throat "Is this some mean to keep your gege?"

"Caleb? I didn't mean"

"Fuck" his embrace holding you even tighter "Do you regret it? I need to know" Caleb last thread of patience had spanned "If you regret, if you think was a mistake, tell me now. We can go back to where it was... I can be your gege again, but please don't give me hope for you to just take away..."

For the second time your hand met his cheek, leaving and angry mark, this time a bruise would form. Pushing him on the mattress, you straddled on his lap, your hands covering his mouth.

"I regret it the way it happened! I regret that I acted out of fear and anxiety and not out of love!" Tears falling on his body, how he wanted to brush them away but he was unable to move "I regret that I did not wait until your last name was mine, to cross that line before our promise"

Promise? What promise? He didn't know what you were talking about, he made sure to remember every singles promise that he had made to you, yet he was unsure about what you were referring to

"Dummy!" A smile making a way to your face. Freeing his mouth, you slapped him on the chest "You have forgotten, don't you?" Bringing your hands together in a pinkie promise you looked at him "I, MC, swear that will be the bride of Caleb..."

Memories flooded his mind, a hot summer and falling trees. Two kids with scrapped knees and full of mud. A warm breeze ruffling their hairs as they leaned together, a pinky promise taking place.

"...I, Caleb will be your broom, to protect you and shield you..." the anger and desesperation going away "... Together forever..." your voices mixing together "Caleb and MC will be married together"

"Dummy" even though you laughed, the tears kept falling from your eyes "Dummy, dummy, dummy..."

"I am such a fool" Gently, Caleb pulled you closer, whipping away your tears "I am so sorry, pipsqueak" his own vision becoming blurry "I forgot... I won't forget again.. I am so sorry...I should have know..."

Your hand rested on the crook of his neck, tracing patterns in the burn scar's in his chest, unable to say something else. Fear, anger, happiness, relief among other feelings were running free inside of you, but the steady beat of living heart calmed you down, Caleb was alive, Caleb was back.

Caleb's was battling against his own feelings, Caleb knew that you regreted what you have done, but you didn't hate him, and for that moment it was enough. Soon, you would need to address the feelings that you both had, to navigate where you were going from now on, but in that peaceful moment there was nothing that the both of you dared to say. Caleb was going to make sure that no one would tear him away from him, not again.

[pompomqt]

Journey to the West chapter 71

I love Guanyin but she has got to keep better track of her pets.

Welcome back to this week's chapter of Journey to the West with @journeythroughjourneytothewest. This week we have a Queen to rescue, so let's get into it shall we?

Since Wukong failed to escape with the bells last time, the palace is now on high alert looking for him. As a fly Wukong makes his way back to the queen, who is currently under the impression that her rescue attempt was a complete failure and is in tears over it. After Wukong is able to convince her that he is indeed alive and currently a fly, he tells her he is going to need to try and lure the demon one more time, this time with feeling.

Wukong, probably inspired by the king constantly trying to get him drunk, suggests that the Queen try and do the same to the demon, while he transforms as her favorite servant to wait for the right opportunity to take the bells. So the Queen calls in her servant, named Spring Grace, and Wukong puts her to sleep with his sleep insect spell, before taking her appearance and going to wait with the other servants. Meanwhile, the Queen goes and fetches Jupiter's Rival, and asks for him to retire with her for the night, and also calls for some wine to help ease his wariness.

The Queen lays on the charm, while Wukong has the other servants entertain them with song and dance, while he serves them wine. After a while, the Queen feels it's safe to broach the topic of the bells again and asks if they were damaged. The Demon says they are just fine and he has them tied around his waist again. Now that Wukong knows where the bells are, he decides to divest the demon of them by changing some of his hairs into flea's and lice.

The Demon is horrified by his own apparent lack of hygiene in front of the girl he likes. The Queen however is very polite, and suggests he strips so they can get rid of all the bugs, which the demon agrees to. During the chaos, Wukong is able to offer that the Demon hand the bells to him, which the Demon does without really thinking it through. Once he has the bells, Wukong hides them on his person before making a copy and handing that set back to the demon. The Demon is also gracious enough to hand them back to the Queen for safe keeping despite what happened last time. After that the party winds down and everyone retires for the night.

Meanwhile with a little unlocking magic, Wukong is able to leave the demon strong hold through the front door.... only to immediately turn around and start banging on the door, demanding the Queen's return. When the demon finally gets tired of all the racket he's making and goes out to fight him, Wukong introduces himself as Sun Wukong, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven the wrecked havoc in heaven five hundred years ago. The Demon asks if he's so important, why he's acting as an errand boy for the Scarlet-Purple Kingdom. Wukong is offended at the idea of being anyone's servant, and the two begin to fight.

The two fight for long enough for Jupiter's Rival to realize he's outmatched like this, calls for a 'breakfast break' so he can go retrieve the bells. Wukong is well aware of his intentions but let's him go anyways. The Demon goes to receive the bells from the Queen, who hands them over fearfully, under the impression that they are the real deal. Bells now in hand, the Demon once again goes to confront Sun Wukong, only for Wukong to show him that he has three identical bells himself. Monkey suggests that they must have been made at the same time, and that he has the female set while the Demon has the male.

So they have a little bell shaking contest, and Wukong graciously allows the Demon to go first. Of course the Demon shakes the bells, but to no avail, and the Demon comes to the conclusion that they must be having performance anxiety in front of their girlfriend. I wonder if the night he's had so far, had any influence on that idea. Either way, it's Monkey's turn, and I guess girls just do it better, because his bells actually work exactly as advertised. However before Wukong can use the power of the bells to wipe out the demon, who should arrive but Guanyin? Odd, usually he is the one that has to go fetch her when they run into trouble.

Turns out it's no coincidence that she's here though, since this demon happens to be another one of her missing pets! Unlike the goldfish catastrophe however, this pet didn't come down just to eat children and cause problems. Jupiter's Rival's true identity is that of the Golden-Haired Wolf that Guanyin likes to ride on sometimes, and actually came her for some 'not quite sanctioned, but not not sanctioned vigilante justice.

See back when the King of the Scarlet-Purple Kingdom was still just the prince, he was an avid hunter and shot two rather important birds, who were the children of the Great King Peacock. For this crime they decided to sentence him to three years of pining, Guanyin was with her wolf when this sentence was passed down, so later on when the wolf escaped, he decided to come down here and handle the sentence personally.

Wukong is fine with that story and all and is willing to spare the demon's life, but still thinks he should be punished and asks Guanyin if he can smack him around a little more for all the trouble he caused. Unfortunately for him, Guanyin says no, and takes the wolf and bells back to heaven with her, despite Wukong's best attempts to keep the bells.

Now all that's left is to reunite the happy couple- one problem though, the Queen is still wearing the 'Pain Cloak' so Wukong can't just fly her back. So instead he weaves together some grass into a dragon and has her climb onto it and he flies that back. Why can't he use that method on Tripitaka to make the journey shorter again?

Anyways they arrive back at the palace in record time, unfortunately their beautiful reunion turns a bit sour when the King tries to take hand and falls to the ground in agony. Which I guess Zhang Ziyang, the god who gave her the garment in the first place takes as his cue to take it back now that she doesn't need it anymore. Once he takes back his coat and is on his way, the King and Queen are able to reunite for real this time. After Wukong has finished regaling them the tale of this arc, it is time for the pilgrims to continue one their Journey to the West.

Current Sun Wukong Stats: Names/Titles: Monkey, The Stone Monkey, The Handsome Monkey King, Sun Wukong (Monkey awakened to the void), Bimawen (Banhorseplague), The Great Sage Equal To Heaven and Pilgrim Sun. Immortality: 5 + 94,000 years Weapon: The Compliant Golden Hooped Rod Abilities: 72 Transformations, Cloud-Somersault, Ability to transform his individual hairs, super strength, Ability to Summon Wind, Water restriction charm, and the ability to change into a huge war form, ability to duplicate his staff, ability to immobilize others, the ability to put others to sleep, and the Fiery eyes and Diamond Pupils, intimidating horses, churning large bodies of water, sleeplessness, seizing the wind, enhanced smell, discerning good and evil within a thousand miles, Spirit Summoning, lock picking, object transformation, distance reduction, vanishing in a flash of light, super healing, transforming others, Invisibility, Wind Immunity, Medicine Making, putting out fire from a distance with a glass of wine and weaving a straw dragon Demon Kill Count: 712 + Unknown Number of Minions Human Kill Count: 1039 God's Defeated: 23 + Unknown number Defeats: 7 Crime List: Robbery, Murder, Mass Murder, Arson, Theft, Coercion, Threatening a Government Official, Resisting Arrest, Assault, Forgery, Employee Theft, False Imprisonment, Impersonating a Government Official, Treason, attempted murder, failure to control or report a dangerous fire, desecrating a corpse, breaking and entering, trespassing, violating Tree Law, looting corpses, trading counterfeit goods, criminal threat, animal abuse, Assisting or Instigating Escape, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption, Identity Fraud, Disorderly Conduct, Joyriding and unauthorized practice of medicine Cry Count: 11 + 3 fake cries Mountains Trapped Under: 4

Current Tang Sanzang stats: Names/Titles: River Float, Xuanzang, Tang Sanzang, Tripitaka and the Tang Monk Abilities: Curing Blindness, making branches point a certain direction (allegedly), reciting sutras, pretty privilege, memorization, Heart Sutra, Meditation, and Being Heaven's Specialist Little Guy Cry Count: 35 Tight Fillet Spell Uses: 63 Paralyzed by fear: 6 Bandit Problems: 3 Kidnapped by demons: 11 Falling Off Horses: 11

Current Bai Long Ma Stats: Names/Titles: Bai Long Ma (White Dragon Horse), Prince of the Western Ocean, and third prince jade dragon of the dragon king Aorun Abilities: Transforming into a human, a water snake, and a horse, eating a horse in one bite, flight, Magic of Water Restriction, Singing, Sword Dancing and Magic Pee Cry Count: 1 Crime List: Arson, and Grave Disobedience. Contributions to the plot: 4 Kidnapped by demons: 3

Current Zhu Wuneng Stats: Names/Titles: The Marshal of the Heavenly Reeds, Zhu Wuneng (Pig who is aware of ability), Zhu Ganglie, Pigsy, Idiot and Eight Rules. Weapon: Rake Abilities: 36 Transformations, parting water, fighting underwater, cloud soaring, size enhancement, CPR and Shoveling Demon Kill Count/Kill steals: 15 + Unknown number of minions Kidnapped by Demons: 7 Human Kill Count: 1 Failed Flirtation/romances Attempts: 4 Cry Count: 2 Crime List: Sexual Harassment, Murder, Kidnapping, arson, defamation, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption, Identity Fraud, Theft, Forcible entry, Disrupting a Funeral, Violating Tree Law and Arson

Current Sha Wujing Stats: Names/Titles: The Curtain-Raising General, Sha Wujing (Sand Aware of Purity), Sandy and Sha Monk Weapon: Monster Taming Staff Abilities: Fighting underwater, Cloud soaring, and fetching water from a well. Demon Kill Count: 1 + Unknown number of minions. Kidnapped by Demons: 5 Human Kill Count: 1 Cry Count: 1 Crime List: Breaking a Crystal Cup, murder, desecration of a human corpse, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption and Arson

[orthodoxchristianity]

Heartbreak: the art of letting go

This one is a bit personal for me, but I thought to share since I know many other people may be feeling the same way. Please read and share any advice or experience you may have, it would be greatly appreciated. God-bless!

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Heartbreak. It isn't easy. It's even harder being stuck in between two thoughts. Firstly obsessing over what could have been, thinking should I have said this, or should I have said that. Why did I not do this or why did I not tell him that? It's hard to let go of the expectations in your mind or the plans you made that you wanted to share, all the little daily updates you sent waiting to hear back from him. But secondly, as a Christian, my understanding that God does what is best for us stays in my mind. The knowledge that God takes care of us even when we do not understand it. For He knows and sees far more than we will ever understand, and that is okay. Having trust in His timing and His plan for us is vital. I pray every day "God please remove anyone or anything that is not meant to be in my life", and then why do I get sad when God answers this prayer? Maybe I thought I knew him but clearly he was not meant to be in my life anymore, no matter how sad it may be now.

Taking it day by day is needed because in some moments I feel okay, but in other moments I remember how he looked and me and the lovely moments we shared. I know that one day I will look back on all the moments I shared with him and be at peace. I know that love is never wasted. But one thing is to know and another is to actually enact it. It seems to be like a separation between my head and my heart. My head acting rational and reminding myself to not let the enemy tell me lies, whereas my heart still holding onto the hope of what could have been.

I keep thinking why wasn't he the one Lord? Why couldn't he have been the one for me?

I know that it was done for a reason, that the Lord has bigger and better things in store for me. Perhaps this is simply a lesson. My time with him is brief in the grand scheme of life and of all the people and things I am yet to experience. But it is still hard to let go, even though I know it's the end, that's it.

Perhaps I wasn't ready or he wasn't, but either way it seems the timing was not right. As I pray every day, "All in God's timing".

I know that when the right person comes it will be in God's timing and it will be bring me peace, rather than anxiety. I understand that I probably am still holding onto him because of the inherent fear of being single. Seeing so many of my friends get into relationships easily and of course I am beyond happy for them but it is hard to not think oh when will the love of my life come? I guess this brings me back to the concept of patience and trusting in the Lord for His plans and timing is far better than mine. I feel like this society really pushes for moving and doing everything fast, whereas the Bible tells us:

"Love is patient, love is kind...Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV)

I harbour no anger or hatred towards him, for given the circumstances I can understand where he was coming from. I do, however, pray that he heals from anything that is holding him back. I pray for him to let go off anything from the past that is keeping him stuck emotionally. I pray he finds love and happiness.

I don't know if anyone else can relate to the feeling of 'intellectualising' my emotions. I try to solve them rather than feel. I have been trying to slow down and just let myself feel rather than simply keeping myself busy and giving myself no time to heal. I know there is a reason he came into my life, God is teaching me through this experience, so I need to slow down and feel my emotions.

If you are still reading thank you. I know heartbreak is a part of human life, it is something we all go through in various shapes or forms throughout our life. I hope this makes me stronger and I hope that you find peace and love and happiness. Whoever is reading, I hope you heal from any hurt and that the Lord blesses you abundantly in everything you do.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV

[whentherewerebicycles]

i just wanted to drop in and say that i am so sorry that you’re dealing with so much health and baby stress right now. i am just a lurker, but i keep you and your baby in my thoughts and i am always hoping that things will be okay for you.

thank you friend - this is really, really kind of you. i am in a weird season of life right now but i remain optimistic that i will pass through it... someday... melting face emoji. but thank you, again <3

[somegrumpynerd]

Actually it turns out I had more thoughts about that post that I forgot about lol

Would Nightmare actually give up his boys? Yes and no

If it was just a black and white situation of they're miserable, they don't wanna be here, they have somewhere better to be, then yes. He would leave them out to wherever they needed to be despite his own feelings and very quickly realise afterwards just how much he'd gotten used to the noise and company. I think he would get a little clingy with Dream about it, which I'm sure Dream would find very weird after everything but not unwelcome, he did miss his brother after all.

(If he couldn't attach himself to Dream's side for whatever reason, I think he might just sit in his castle and go insane. Or maybe he'd just spend all day at Ccino's trying really hard to project that he just likes the atmosphere and isn't lonely as hell)

But the thing is, most of them don't have somewhere better to be. Horror has his au, and Nightmare would keep up the supply of food even if Horror said he wanted to quit at this point, so he would understandably let him return home. Killer, Dust and Cross effectively don't have aus anymore though, and they tend to get into self-destructive habits when they're left to their own devices. (Obviously bringing Color and Epic into the mix to make sure Killer and Cross are taken care of eases matters, but Dust doesn't really have any friends outside their group he could go stay with - that Nightmare knows about at least).

The flipside of this is that his boys may not necessarily want to be given up. I think if Nightmare got really in his head about this he could easily end up convinced this is the right thing to do without ever asking them if it's what they want, with potentially terrible results. He's established such a pattern of always returning to find Killer when they get seperated, that if he never showed up Killer might just keep sitting there and waiting for him greyfriar's bobby style, refusing to leave because he's certain his boss is coming back.

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

[mars-ipan]

just remembered a friend describing my anxiety as “severe” the other day n i still don’t know how to feel abt it

[leadendeath]

WAT DO U MEEEAN “unfortunately” THIS IS A MASSIVE RELIEF

[stillfruit]

i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!

[ox1-lovesick]

sorry for being ia I just haven't been in the best place mentally

[skenpiel]

in school next week i have to imitate an art style like an ism of my choice and paint something but ihavent decied yet maybe you guys should help me choose

[loverboybrightsideghost]

god i love being a musician