#but i dont have anywhere else to go
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Living with my mother's grants me the incredible ability to wake up already annoyed
#maybe its going from my name and pronouns being used 99% of the time#to never#maybe its the fact that my mother#who spent my childhood trying to convince me to get any girl she could think of to teach me how to be a girl#to now saying i was always so girly so i cant possibly be trans#and i look so womanly now except for my facial hair#so i should always shave my face so no one thinks im not a woman#even though i was gendered correctly by strangers most of the time where i used to live#regardless of facial hair#or even if i was wearing makeup or high heels or whatever#or the way shes completely rewritten my entire life to make it impossible for me to be trans#and thats why she won't gender me correctly#this also#coincidentally#erases anything in my childhood that she did less than perfectly#because of course shes never done anything wrong in her life#i dont think i can do this for 6 months#but i dont have anywhere else to go#op
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idk why it wouldn’t let me answer this @kissmesharman but i absolutely love this, ghost not knowing how to process his omegan traits, to allow himself to be the one who is vulnerable and be protected instead of protecting is so ‼️ being soft, being open and accepting always came with consequences; it was always met with pain and betrayal and you only have to learn a lesson so many times before it sticks
the insidious ways roba and his ilk tried to force him into complacency, using their pheromones and rumbling and scruffing to trick his instincts into submitting- all they did was make ghost bury his omega so deep inside, he almost laughed at the irony of his own burial. even after he’s exhumed, he doesn’t hear it for years; naturally doesn’t heat even without suppressants, doesn’t purr, doesn’t feel that innate safety an alpha’s presence is supposed to bring
just being near other designations calms you down, whether they’re family, pack or even strangers thrown together in too-cramped barracks. it levels out your hormones, gives you people to act your instincts out on, and it’s never a surprise to walk into the cherries’ barracks and find them all tucked inside the resident omega’s nest; discordant purrs and chuffs layering over each other, too-big feet tangled together, still young enough for the milky smell of pup to cling to the edges of their scent especially clumped together like this. a lot of them won’t make it through selection, won’t find pack in each other but it’d be cruel to strip them of this simple comfort
ghost hasn’t stepped inside a nest in almost a decade
hasn’t felt the desire to build up softness and safety, to spread that feeling of home to the 141 even after he admits to himself that they’re pack. even after months of rejection - growling at soap’s happy chuffs whenever he saw him, pumping off bitterly aggressive pheromones to drown out gaz’s pack?home?safe?good? scent until he knew the beta felt sick with the sour poison, avoiding price whenever he was in pre-rut despite it being the most tempting and warm time of year for an omega to be near an alpha, those days before the terrible need when alphas are all affection, rut drunk with the happiness and safety of pack - they still welcomed him with open arms and bared necks as if he were a second pack alpha and not an omega
he’ll posture and loom over any unfamiliar presence, anyone that could potentially be a threat to his pack; his growls a thunderous undercurrent that shakes the very ground and makes anyone who hears it submit on instinct. soap and gaz happily submit to him; almost vibrating in place when he scents them, enduring their appeasing nibbles and licks at his hidden mouth, falling to heel whenever he decides to take over a situation. price shows it in other ways; nose blind after too many breaks and too many cigars, he lets ghost gentle him when his stress reaches its peak, hangs his head and just breathes as ghost threads his fingers together and cups them around his neck, squeezing his scent glands with his palms. ghost bumps their temples together and they’ll just stand there until the burnt scent of tension leaks out of the air
they’re not shy with their submission until most people just assume ghost’s an alpha based purely on the actions of his pack
they’ll never point it out, but the 141 has never suffered for lack of a pack nest. bc ghost unknowingly makes individual nests wherever they go
he’ll push soap into the comfiest sofa cushion after scoping out a safe house, tug gaz’s jacket straight when he uses it as a pillow and eye mask in one, pace in front of the bedroom price claimed to ensure his pack alpha is safe inside his den. he divies out rations, always opens them and switches the desserts so gaz and soap don’t argue over who got the better one; takes the instinctual first bite of anything scavenged or hunted to know it’s safe just to wait until everyone’s done eating and full before taking his own portion. they all present themselves for ghost’s inspection after missions; lets him run his hands and nose over them to check for injuries and it’s ghost who more often than not ends up taking care of them instead of sending them down to medical
they’ll never tell him, never make him face his own behaviour before he’s ready to come to terms with it himself. as much as ghost’s convinced himself otherwise, his omega is alive and well and his pack will welcome his shy return whenever he feels ready to step back into the light
#have i mentioned how much i love omegaverse#any one who still acts like its just a gross fuckfest has clearly never actually read it#behaviour and instincts and bucking societal expectations and norms my beloved#ghost not just acting like an alpha but fully developing the instincts of one#just for his omega traits to peak under the surface when he joins the 141 is beautiful#those alpha instincts dont go away; not when theyve kept him safe for so long#but every now and then he lets himself be soft with his pack#in his own way#anywhere else his little gestures would be firmly rejected; not good enough for an omega. still too alphan#but the 141 basks in them bc they understand what it means#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#mailbox#we’re a team. ghost team#ghoap#ghostsoap#soapghost#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#soap cod#john soap mactavish#john price#captain john price#price cod#gaz cod#kyle gaz garrick#task force 141#omegaverse#cod fic#poly 141#save post
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honestly dramatic of us and hilariously revealing of how eddie has been developed as a character for us to all go yeah he probably would impulse buy a new house in el paso and pack up his whole life in like what? a few weeks top?
#911#911 spoilers#911 abc#buddie#eddie diaz#i think we're all missing out on the angst of buck thinking eddie is planning to leave but eddie hasn't actually made the decision yet#them teetering on this edge and the strain it'd put on them#buck pretending it's fine but eddie can tell somethings wrong#and everyone else can tell somethings going on#eddie doesn't have to actually leave for all this angst to happen#but 911 is too dramatic for its own good so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#(i dont think eddie will go anywhere as far as actually moving)#praying he visits texas tho#mine
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Ok, call me crazy, but I have a theory. And it might not necessarily be a theory, maybe just an observance, but I noticed something with Malleus Overblot.
Warning - Spoilers for Book 7
So as we all know, the main plot point that leads up to Malleus overblotting is Lilia leaving NRC due to a loss of his magic. But over the books, I've noticed something. In Book 6 we learn that overblots are less a sudden intense outpouring of blot and negative emotion, and more like the tipping point of an amalgamation of years of buildup. I find that made a lot of sense with what I'd noticed, because with the blot gathering cut scenes, even in parts where it seems like things are going pretty well (like with Azul, Jamil, and Leona all having the upper hand until almost the very last moment), it gives a sense of dread and things taking a darker turn.
And while some of them make a lot of sense (Vil's ever growing obsession and losses to Neige or Riddle's constant fights with the main gang and his own dorm), in the instances where the blot buildup doesn't makes sense, Book 6 fave it clarity.
But I noticed that there's always a tipping point. A snap where you can see the character in question starts acting differently or odd. Riddle was violent and sudden, all of them were. But Azul was the first and most obvious example of this snap that I noticed. Leona destroys everything he worked so hard for, it cuts back to us and the tweels, and when we get back to Octanivelle, Azul's gone batshit. Literally. He snapped in every sense of the word. Riddle's snap wasn't obvious to me aside from the absurdity of Ace punching him, until I looked back. Riddle's snap was Trey going against him. Leona's was finding out he not only got found out, but got foiled. Jamil's was thinking the whole world saw his plans (which I believe was actually less just his own plans getting fucked but also a reaction to the fact that if he got found out by thr Asim's, his family might not survive their wrath but that's for another time.) Vil's snap wasn't even what lead up to him attempting to poison Neige, because he acts normal right after when Rook takes the juice. His snap is Kalim stopping him from hurting Rook with said poison. Idia's snap, I don't think was in the underworld talking to the original Ortho. I think Idia's snap was hearing Ortho call him Idy.
But Malleus? While the lead up is all about Lilia's impending leave, his loss of one of his only people. The only person who's been there his whole life. His dad. He's no where near Lilia when he snaps. He's already snapped when he shows up in the party with Silver and talks Maleficent monologuing. You can so easily spot his snap, because similar to Azul, he goes batshit. Silver notices it right away with Malleus laughing suddenly.
The begs the question, why did he snap with Silver. They were talking about Lilia, and Silver was crying, but to me. It didn't feel like that snap was about Lilia. It felt like it was about Silver. I'm one of those people who believes that Malleus and Silver are like brothers. They have a bond like that, even if they don't act on it in cannon. They're supposed to be a prince and bodyguard, those are their roles, and they're good at playing them for a reason. But that's the thing. If that's all they were, why would Silver, who doesn't show that much emotion is general, who's calm and collected, who runs out in what seems like a near panicked state to find Mallsus before Lilia leaves, start bawling his eyes out in front of Malleus. With barely a nudge?
They were both essentially raised by the same man. They are brothers through Lilia. Malleus has almost no one, he clings to Yuu because they treat him as if he were just another person. Just as Lilia does. Just as Silver often does. Sebek is the only one of the group who treats Malleus the way we could expect someone from Briar Valley might. Sebek is a whole other thing, but wouldn't Silver, who was raised by Lilia, who was taken in by his grandmother the queen, who guarded his and acted as her general, treat him similarly?
He does! We see it in events like the Glorious Masquerade, he is still Malleus's bodyguard for a reason! But if Lilia's relationship with Melanor was like Silver's with Malleus, it makes sense that their relationship would reflect that of their parents. And it has the added effect of Malleus being an orphan as well, and as far as I can tell (and an eng player trying to not get too many spoilers), Lilia takes a major role in Malleus's youth. He might not have been there constantly when he was younger, but he was there. And he was the only one who (besides probably his very busy grandmother) didnt treat Malleus as something to be feared or revered.
But what does this all have to do with Malleus snapping and overblotting? Malleus and Silver have a very specific relationship in cannon. Its professional decently often, but it's also soft. Silver will absolutely protect Malleus, but he knows that he doesn't always want or need it. He doesn't need to be observed like a hawk 24/7 if something goes sideways. (Seen in how quickly he and Sebek check on Malleus after the attack in book 6, and how calm Silver is while Sebek is panicking over a missing Malleus he wouldn't leave alone later on).
Malleus barely has to say anything to Silver before he breaks down in tears about everything with Lilia. I know as someone who be very private with what's bothering me, the only person who could get me to break down that hard and that fast would be someone I consider family. Silver so inherently trusts Malleus that he'll sob and cry in front of him with so little. He's desperate and shattering. The only person he let see that was Malleus.
Then Malleus laughs, and Silver's caught of guard. That basically proved that this is his snap, because it pretty much fully implies that this is out of character for the prince. Silver would take the laughter and the teleporation is sride. Instead he's shocked and bewildered through both of those things, confused when they show up at Diasomnia.
Malleus only goes back and quickly overblots because he'd already hit the point of overblotting. But it required blot, and he hadn't used any magic for that blot like everyone else until he got back and everyone started fighting him. He overblotted because losing Lilia killed him. But he didn't Overblot until the only other person beside the newcomer Yuu (who was also trying to figure out how to leave him) who treated him like a normal person expressed his exact feelings.
Neither brother wanted their dad to leave, but Lilia was leaving, and it broke Silver. And thus, Malleus snapped and overblotted because of Silver.
Anyways I'm not very good at articulating myself sometimes but this is just a long-winded way of saying I think malleus actually only fully overblotted because his little brother sobbed for their dad leaving them and his need for the few people he has was combined with his need to protect them (aka the sweet dreams and forcefullness of them) and Silver's breakdown was just the final straw. He kept Lilia and everyone else via their dreams safe because it meant they were all together and happy.
#watch me fuck you even more my dear tag readers#i bet malleus would make himself a dream realm too#where he has his most important people there#and theyre never going to try to leave him#lilia's not going anywhere and still has his magic#silver is really his brother and acts like it#sebek is sebek but im sure hes there because hes crucial to malleus#and yuu is there and is never going to even look for a home#man when everyone wkaes up after they beat malleus#and silver doesnt wake up#malleus is going to want to kill himself#enjoy my little angtsy headcannon dumbasses#silver wont wake up like everyone else when malleus is finally stopped#can you imagine#lilia wailing and holding his son#begging him to wake up#knowing the only reason they were able to beat malleus at all#was because of his signature spell?#twisted wonderland#disney twst#twst#twst headcanons#twst malleus#twst silver#twst spoilers#suffer with me#because if silver had kept it togther#i dont think he would have overblotted
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once again it becomes increasingly obvious paul needs his alone in forest time but he really is zito's grouchy wife wdym this man was so ready to hang up the towel after being fired from multiple coaching gigs and zito just absolutely did not let him like thats just how it happened? alright man
#paul maurice#bill zito#florida panthers#2425#hearing the zito calling paul while he was in the woods story gets better every retelling#of course when paul retells it he has to reiterate how good the fishing was those days#“im good man! like im taking this to the house! its been fun! winnipeg toronto carolina hartford!”#PAUL YOU ARE SO DRAMATIC FOR NO REASON#bill absolutely not letting him rot in the woods is deeply funny to me#sweet husband to the grouchy wife who has to convince her to go on a first date#“now i dont wanna be anywhere else”#FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS OLD MAN HUH#“barkov is an unselfish superstar tkachuk is an unbelievable guy”#PAUL WHO LOVES TO PRAISE SASHA AND MAFFHEW WHENEVER HE CAN#whenever the kitty locker room gets praise my heart gets warm but the WE HAVE A GREAT LOCKER ROOM AND WE ARE WINNERS comment made :D#YEAHHHHHHHH#anyways is it ever a wonder why you cannot take vacation time away from paul#he needs his alone fishing in woods time to survive okay#“im going into the woods and never returning its over im ruined i can make peace with the fact that no one wants me” “i want you” “no”
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i thought about spades slick again and i fell to the ground clutching my knees in tears
#He went through every horror imaginable#He fought tooth and nail for what he wanted#Gave it everything he had#AND HE STILL LOST#FUCK#ive been heavily debating rereading homestuck again now that ii is ending#i miss homestuck so bad#its like. theres this specific thrill i got from reading and experiencing homestuck that i cant find anywhere else#if that makes sense#dont get me wrong i absolutely ADORE ii#but homestuck was so jam-packed of content of everything and anything you could imagine#you could find anything#...mabye im being a little dramatic.#but whatever#i miss my alien old man yaoi#dadroog come back to me#le sigh#bonks thinkpan#im gonna have to stick with bonks thinkpan even though i go by laika#toodles
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thje really good thing about this year is ive gotten poked with a needle for drawing blood or other reasons like 20 times so that part of Fearing Going On T has been lessened a bit
#the bad thing is im still no where near being able to move out to somewhere with a PP with hrt services and start it 😭#talkys#I meant the having to check blood levels part. i will still just not go on T if my only option is injections#im only used to the needle in my awrm ykwim....#even on the day of my surgery it was looking like my nurse wasnt gonna be able to find a vein in my arm so she#started going towards my hand and i was like please dont 😭😭😭😭#dpes anyone feel this way....like i know how to brace myself for the pain radiating from the crook of elbow#i dont know how to brace self for it anywhere else. its very specific#like i wldnt be able to handle being poked on my hands or feet (for example) bc its too far away from the center of the body
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HI I think I sent an ask a while back about having recently found TaTA and a) if it came off as trying to rush/guilt you. I am so sorry because that was NOT my intent, and b) I can hugely guarantee you have at least one person who will eat up any return, no matter when it happens, because I care about the guys so much 🥺 really looking forward to whatever comes next!!
Oh, I appreciate this a lot thank you!
Tbh it's a stress I would have regardless of anyone asking me about it, I'm probably the biggest one rushing and guilting myself on it. Which might contribute to some of the burnout I had...
My complaints are more about people who are demanding "more content daddy" or asking me if I'm dead or asking on every single post I make where it is... Wondering when it's coming back is completely reasonable, it's been a long time! but there's definitely a line haha
my editor also keeps randomly scheduling me and then saying "oh, btw you're scheduled to return in 3 weeks. Is that alright?" And I have to keep saying no, that's not alright??? And then dealing with that process...
I could write an essay about all the reasons it's not back yet, but that doesn't help me feel any less pressured, and it doesn't help you all get the rest of the comic any faster...
As of right now I'm scheduled to and trying to return october 21. No official announcement yet cause I have to do a lot of work in that time, but it's my official goal at least. When we get closer I'll be able to say for sure whether it's coming back on that date!
#basically the main reasons its not back are:#1) webtoon bullshit#2) sad about it ending#3) chronic illness and mental health#4) other projects I never had time for while it was going (books next comic prep pitches etc)#5) writing the rest took a long time#6) thumbnailing the rest (so i know it fits in the episodes I have! is taking a long time#7) finishing 4 months worth of episodes... is taking a long time...#its just too much#i could have rushed and made something okay#but I would way rather pause and make something amazing#and im telling you. holy shit it's so good#like it is so so so good its going to be worth the wait...#i hope. HAHAHAAHHA#but seriously im sorry i dont want you to feel bad for being excited about my work and wanting more of it#felixitous#asks#its hard to complain about the people crossing the line without accidentally lumping in people who are being reasonable#sorry about that#youre good#and honestly everyone on tumblr has been good so#its not you guys#this is why I've been posting way more here than anywhere else auaudjjdjjeje#feels way safer yallre way nicer to me
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Brain won't be quiet tonight/neg
Anyone have any distractions please?
#i was literally fine#up until the moment i was about to fall asleep#then my brain decided to pull up all the issues i have with my mom again#im so tired of college but im terrified of the semester ending#because that means i have to go back home#i have nowhere else to go#but i literally want to be anywhere else#i dont want to be around her#im so tired of hurting#im so tired of hating her#im so tired#l3o vents
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taps mic,,, would you guys still love me if I posted rdr2 cowboy incest,,,
#testing the waters#dw dmc isnt going anywhere any time soon#BUT that said ive also got a really bad case of brainrot and might have. spent the last few days doing nothing but drawing red dead#(yes i know TECHNICALLY there's no incest in the gang in red dead bc no one is actually related#and how much their relations are considerable a family bond is up to interpretation BUT you know me#whatever i touch will turn into the most toxic problematic yaoi there is its just my midas touch)#anyway im batshit cuckoo insane for arthur john and dutch in any combination/order and i'm cautiously poking my head in#asking if i can make it everyone else's problem too#once again: dmc will still be my primary fandom and i really dont foresee that changing any time soon#but i do gotta get these cowboys out of my system also
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Seeing ppl here brag about how they use generative AI to cheat on their university work and its like. You're not learning anything. Why are you even there if you're not gonna do anything. You dont even have to be here.
Look the education system is unfair n shitty and often chews and spits it's students, and yea it's riddled with ableism specially for mental illness that wont let you work on homeworks like adhd for example, but the solution is not giving ppl degrees for doing nothing. Its like the ppl who buy diplomas for social clout n prestige instead of proof that you know about about an specific career. It makes the whole thing pointless. You just got a degree on how to write prompts on chatgtp.
#me rambles#idk im trying to not get into le discourse but. man that tickles me off#yea education often sucks ass and it needs renovations and better ways to check if it's students learned that are not the torment nexus#and like i would be a little less bothered if it was middle/highschool education bc ok teens that have to study yes or yes#(which again the problem is w the system and cheats were you learn nothing are not the solution)#but fuck. you're adults. you could be anywhere else.#n so many ppl going on abt work culture n shit but one of the main reasons ppl get degrees is precisely to show they're qualified for a job#sigh i know the fellas saying all that are just smug jackasses#who think they're super smart n beating the education system n shielding themselves with anti ableism language#and dont give a damm about anything im saying here#its just that education is important. (in any economic system too bc man they try to pull out the anti capitalism card)#anyways im getting to focused on this subject. imma go and read or smth
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IVE HAD THE PLAGUE (a cold) THREE TIMES IN A MONTH THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS OMG WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY IMMUNE SYSTEM
#i must literally be getting every illness i come across because i dont really interact eith a lot of people!!!!#i get the bus for like 20mins and wear a mask. no one at my work has had a cold and i only really see 5 people thrre anyway. IM NOT GOING#ANYWHERE ELSE HOW AM I GETTING MORE COLDS NOW THAN WHEN I WAS A FAST FOOD BARISTA HAVING LIKE 50 PEOPLE COUGH IN MY FACE EVERYDAY#i get all the flu and other vaccines early for free too cuz of my disabilities so my immune system should be good ToT
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I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field
#still pursuing a bpd diagnosis#but a lot of the specialists im seeing online are all like#have you been victimized abused or manipulated by someone with bpd?#and im like :(#ough im not ready to have ANOTHER heavily stigmatized mental illness#but despite that i still do hope i get diagnosed#i think it would explain a lot#and really help me work through my issues#before it gets to that tipping point#it already has come close multiple times just this year alone#i just... idk#i want to be better i want to get better#i dont want to hurt people anymore. i dont want to hurt myself anymore#it sucjs it really does#sorry for vent posting again#i just dont have anywhere else to go#and i dont feel comfortable talking to people about this stuff usually#everyone tells me i can talk to them but.. idk. its hard to do that. so many things can go wrong. i dont like talking about myself#i like for people to have a certain image of me. prefer people not to worry themselves over me#it brings bad feelings and associations sometimes#which if i have bpd can be thhe cause of that i suppose. just makes me feel insecure? ig? guilty? makes me feel like a bad person#when people try to get me to take care of myself. even if its a good thing#idk im just rambling#nobody take this in a bad way or feel discouraged in fact dont pay any mind to this#im just spitballing#will probably delete later#monnie rambles
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is college supposed to make you feel suicidal everyday🤨
#cause people always say college was the best years of their life and i feel like i dont get to have that cause#i go to stupid community college#there is nothing fun about this#its impossible to make friends and theres nothing to do here and the food sucks and everything sucks#but i know i cant drop out or else im not gonna get anywhere in life#so i have to power through but im really really bad at powering through#THIS SUCKS!!! YHIS SUCKSSSS!!!!!!!!!#anyways😛
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Just checked my credit card statement now that the holidays are done
#my minimum is not so minimum anymore let alone the fuckin interest#i hate being on disability man but i literally have no other income so my disability pays my bills but my credit card has to pay for#literally everything else 🫠🫠🫠#which is a lot less than you'd think cuz i dont rly do anything or go anywhere anymore but#small costs here and there for the house add up real fuckin fast 🙃#i rly wish i could find a simple ass work from home job so i can get rid of this fuckin cc debt
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so anyway I found out a week ago that I'm pregnant which was not intentional or planned at all but here we are.... and since morning sickness is kicking my ass into the twelfth dimension I've been laying in bed watching a lot of horror movies.... and I just want to put it out into the world that if this baby turns out to be some kind of demonic horror I won't even be upset about it. I'd love that actually. Or if it's like a horrible animal human hybrid because a dog looked at me weird or whatever I'll be into it. I'm not like other pregnant horror movie protagonists I'm different
#cw pregnancy#i promise not too post about it too much on here lol#i just dont have anywhere else to talk about it#as a teen i used to fantasize about giving birth to a weird monster so this is in line with my character#anyway i am going to be weird about this#still trying to finish a dissertation on witchcraft and teaching morning classes at the university so thats fun
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