#to now saying i was always so girly so i cant possibly be trans

[just-your-average-tangerine]

Living with my mother's grants me the incredible ability to wake up already annoyed

[scourgefrontiers]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

[quietwingsinthesky]

(transmasc-rose) Tell me more about transmasc!amy 👀

i know i must have made posts about this before but i cant find them so ill just lay out some of the major points i remember off the top of my head:

1. just gonna start with. well. amy. as in, her name. specifically, the change from amelia to amy. amy, to me, reads as more masculine within a constrained framework of what she’s socially allowed to do with her name, right? amelia is girly, whimsical. amy’s a sharp, short sound, and there’s something about her choosing that that hits for me.

2. there’s a line during. god, it was probably let’s kill hitler, hate that, but at least it gave us a moment where amy goes ‘obviously rory isn’t interested in any girls, i would have noticed’ which you can read as amy being oblivious to his feelings OR. you can read it how i do. that amy knows, but she doesn’t consider herself to be a girl on some level that exempts her from being ‘a girl rory has a crush on’.

3. that and amy’s entire energy is of someone who always considered themselves ‘one of the boys’ growing up until probably puberty forcibly made it so she couldn’t be as easily. amy’s gender (which is obviously intertwined with her sexuality) is performative in an defensive way, almost. like it has to be something she can control, can use, or else it’ll be used against her.

4. which works well into talking about her s6 plot and the way her gender and body are. literally. used against her. in the most horrifying way possible. amy’s pregnancy horror resonated strongly with me as a trans dude because that’s. god, that’s the scariest fucking thing in the world right there. and amy has never expressed a desire to have children before she gets pregnant, repeatedly expresses that she dislikes the idea of being pregnant in amy’s choice. and still, because she was born a girl, this is forced upon her, she’s made a vessel for having a child and then doesn’t get a say in anything that happens after. it’s why i privately believe that whether or not amy could have kids after, the real problem she and rory weren’t addressing during the divorce arc™️ was that she wouldn’t, that she knew she wouldn’t even if she could, and that was where she felt selfish.

there’s just another layer of horror to that if you choose to interpret it with transmasc amy in mind, because now, there’s all of that, on top of the horror of this body having never felt like his own and now it really doesn’t, now it can’t, because it’s been made to do this without his consent. it’s awful, but it’s painfully real.

uhhhhhh no downer endings here. reason number five: rory would love to have a husband to make out with.

[haunted-dinosaur-lover]

2-6-24

ive denied system rumors for so long, maybe since like 6th grade when i like found what it was, and then refound it sometime in 10th grade, and im always like

hmm, interesting

we'll come back to this eventually,

and then i dont!

and its been fine but wvery time it does come back i go into a mild crisis about it, it always sends me into questioning my memory and trauma.

maybe trauma related? or like major stressor something like that, cause i only came back up when something else came back up after arizona.

----

but either im schizophrenic and just having delusions and paranoid thoughts, or i truly am experiencing symptoms of a dissociative disorder.

I have parts of my day that are just gone. I did them, i know i did them but I for damn sure didnt do it.

I "talk" to myself but like not to myself not just mental checks, full thoughts that are not my own.

I right now am thinking about it a little bit more bc of **** but its something thats been mildly haunting me for so long.

I think im faking this, but also the extent that I believe its happening and is like and active part of my life that im actively pushing down. Because like, these thoughts are my own but also theyre not, someone else is saying these thoughts and I have a completely separate brain to what this other person is saying to me.

i hear 3 possibly 4 in my head that are regulars.

Mara

Mars

Gaby

but details are a little blurry, i can tell you about me now;

im 19, bout to turn 20

love RKS, struggle with an ED. Mars. Hi this is mars. im trans??? He/him i guess. either way, im very gay.

---

I've been writing this post since yesterday around 10 am so at least i can fit in the other one,

-- lol no

Mara - 22 - corporate girly by day, raver by night. I like Hyper-pop EDM and stuff like that, i use she/they. im bi, mildly on the straighter side of things. Im the one thats been mostly hosting for at least the past year pre-december.

Mars is the more disordered part of my brain i guess, comes back and gets us through the trauma. well actually i dont know. as i was writing this i think no one is perfect. Mars is the one currently dealing with the ED but is not the one with the ED trauma, theres no recolection of what happened last time.

Gaby - Gibby, idk, its hard to talk about other people when theyre not here. I believe gaby is 16, bi, NB. introverted, on the shyer side. Not as socially set as others, i believe they have not changed since 3 amigos in 2020. scene indie 2020 emo kid.

Its weird. I cant tell you more about them as i am not there rn. Currently Mara is here, were listening to hyper-pop. I was able to eat lunch with my friend fairly guilt free until about the end but im okay now.

[teddy-feathers]

gender is scary id rather have a cool rock.

i just wish this wasnt so important to me. that it didnt matter.

i tried to make it not matter.

ive been thinking about this hard for many years growing more confused and upset

because. youre you.

gender isnt a performance. its not an aesthetic.

i cant in good faith say im going to take back the parts of me i struggled to accept- i mean rainbow pastels are super cute and i adore adorable things and im not going to let life make me feel cringey over it again

i cant say ill change at all because im not. deciding to adhere to a different set of gender rules and rolls - hell thats one of the largest reasons i didnt want to deal with this at all

dudes dudettes and everyone on the outside of the ven diagram of idiocy can be and act and represent themself however they want and what they wear or hownthey act can't change that

so it shouldnt matter that in many ways im... girly. just listen to me talk or sing or whatever shit i do that makes me flinch now when i notice

but it does because.... because i was waiting for permission

i didnt realize it but. i didnt feel like i had any right to claim anything

im not a "special snowflake" im just like stupid queer or whatever idk

i laughed at the first person - a guy - who told me he was ace turns out im aro and ace.

i said i didnt care if my soulmate was a guy or a girl or multiple people because thatd be stupid - and then i didnt even NOTICE girls because well im not gay id know... until i dated one.

and then i found out nonbinary and trans folk were a thing.

its not scary to think you might be nonbinary. youre just outside the ven diagram. thats fine. obviously youve got to decide what that means for yourself

but.

i still felt... wrong. and it built and it built and i was afraid because... because me being a guy isnt allowed. im not special. i dont want to be special. and this - thisnis me just jumping onto the train right?

but i started getting angry and hurt and noticing all the time "miss" this and "maam" that.

or

"well im not a smartman" "youre not a man at all tho?"

"pfft well i could wingman for you." "blah blah blah wingWOMAN"

like. i decided. id try the binder thing and i liked it but dont we all like new fashion? new looks...

i decided to start cutting my hair and then... becoming dissatisfied when i looked like a lesbain instead of vaguely dudeish even though yeah im flattered that apparantly id make a cute lesbian? super flattered. its a LOOK and god do those girls look good

i got called sir once at walmart and was ecstatic.

but now i just want to cry. because people know and... i dont know hownto feel or even howni feel because the most i feel is scared which

alrifht i always feel scared about everything especially change

im lucky. i told my coworkers and they didnt even blink and changed pronouns and started calling me Dan.

Im thrilled but

im terrified

i dont take me seriously. how can anyone else? and i. i dont want people to know im trans. im not proud or whatever when i go and look at the cute designs on redbubble the way i am over aro ace stuff. its not funny or safe feeling.

itd be nice if i could just say i wish people wouldnt know by looking - they just saw a guy but its not even that? i sont want people to see me at all and yeah some of thats me just flipping out because... what if im wrong but...

i know. a large part of this is my avpd.

i got a rush

im super psyched i can just go "hey I'm a dude" to some people i know and its chill

but my brain runs on misery - if it sees me happy about something it freaks out and it takes a while for the battleship alarms to stop going off and assume the other horrible shoe is going to drop

but some part of me is wondering still

what if im not a guy

what if im making it all up

what if what if what if

you know?

right now if someone were to come up to me and say no. youre not trans. youre not valid... id probably bare throat.

byt its not validation i want or need. weirdly enough for the first time in my life ive got. plenty of validation its

surety.

confidence.

which. will only come with time. until hearing "sir" or "dan" becomes natural like a broken in shoe and then i can figure out if that was all it was or if the fit wasnt right after all.

its like. the humiliation i feel and have sometimes even now when i wear dresses. like im naked or wearing it wrong ornits very obviously unnatural on me because im very old to still need to learn how to be comfortable in it.

itll come with time but...

i already feel like i want to wear this label.

i just dont want anyone to make a big deal about it when i do... or... second guess myself out of something i want just because im not used to it.

at the end of the day in a coward... ill get over it im just... tired.

i dont want to say im a man. i never have.

but im a dude, a guy. just a person. just me.

i just wish it was more like dying my hair - unremarkable really even if it can be pretty or neat.

because. its not a big deal to me but simultaneously the biggest deal possible and honestly i wish it didnt matter

gender is scary, id rather have a cool rock

[jewizh]

an excessively long self-reflection into gender and sexuality - specifically being trans and bi.

first off, im just noticing there's a rainbow eucalyptus tree by my bus stop, so now i can daily zone out looking at pretty colours.

second, figuring out sexuality/handling bisexuality "am i bisexual? am i not? i thought i was, then i realized i wasn't, except now i think i am" is absolutely frustrating and not something i see much being talked about - honestly probably because i avoid it as i tend to do with a lot of things, to the point that i'm still confused and on the edge of what i am - especially in relation to being transgender.

and it's like, my first idea that im bisexual came from "wow girls are hot, boys are hot, guess im bisexual" and i lived my life like this. young, baby brained me was honestly pretty intellectual and knew things. even better, i was lucky enough to not question beyond this, and went and had a girlfriend in middle school while together, we fawned over boys. it was a genuinely not terrible experience, until then-fourteen year old me was being told "i love you" and i panicked because i'm fourteen and didn't feel the same way, so i broke it off. unimportant in the long run.

and after this, i continued on thinking, i'm bi. it's chill. i started questioning my gender, something i dont think would have happened earlier on had i not dated someone who wasn't cis - and as soon as some jackass comes out saying "transtrender" or some dumb shit, no. i was confused, always have been confused in relation to gender expression at the very least. i had always been non-feminine, but, here's where i started actively looking at gender. amazingly, this analysis of how i acted didn't even key in on the idea that i'm not a girl, but instead, i figured my avoidance of femininity was because of internal misogyny, so baby me went and wore a dress "happily" to embrace that being girly wasn't weak! yay! good intentions, but...wrong personal reasons.

i get older - that sounds dramatic because it's like the span of a year or two - and i continue "i like girls and boys and non-binary!" (gonna be honest, this is about the time i was delving into hamilton, one of the worst and better experiences i've had in relation to tumblr, but that is a completely different story; at the very least, i was getting more into social insight on gender.) about here, i'm questioning my gender for real because while that dress i wore to homecoming was pretty, i was uncomfortable as hell and expressing femininity did not make me feel good. step one is realizing im not a girl, which is a good step: i say im non-binary (which, i am). through this confusion, i tack on that i'm asexual because im confused and frustrated and like...fourteen/fifteen. i really would have saved myself a world of pain and confusion if i just sat there for a few minutes and went "im fourteen/fifteen", but again, another story. at this point, i'm still touting that im bi.

more time passes - aka now im 16 - and i cut my hair, get a binder, im turning into my mom's worst nightmare right before her eyes. i never fully drop the whole "im non-binary" thing, but i actively start embracing and expressing that im trans-masculine - or, just trans because that's so much easier to say and is the whole damn truth. here is about the time i put my attraction on the line because i was/am confused and scared. it's going to take me a few months to work through that i'm not asexual - no, i'm not grey-sexual, fuck why did i think that, who let fourteen year old me go "oh damn, i dont wanna sleep with anyone right now??? i must be asexual!!" and who let fifteen year old me go "hm, i think im starting to feel sexual attraction, but not towards every person i pass, im grey-ace!" - but now i'm also looking at my attraction to gender. newly appointed trans me has a large interest in boys because i was confused. slowly, i dropped thinking i was attracted to girls because i was too busy giving boys heart eyes in what i assumed to be total attraction and not also just envy that they have what i dont. being attracted to girls confuses me because i hated my body and some evil part of my brain said i cant like girls because that means i should like myself and my body - don't ask for the logic here, there is none.

and here's the thing, for years i went along with this. i envy boys, who i also happen to me "exclusively" attracted to. dysphoria compounds this, i go with it, even as i pass over girls that are cute because my attraction to them isn't the same as my attraction to boys - oh, news flash, nobody told me that my being attracted to them in different ways is completely normal. i pass through life actively attracted to girls and waltz about like there's nothing wrong with that, i'm gay, even as i want to date a girl im like "pff, im gay, that's weird". i was actually so deep into confusion based around gender dysphoria i really went and dropped being bi altogether, honestly thinking i cant possibly like girls.

now, call me a nerd and sad, whatever, but i actually took me doing a heavy and thorough star trek rewatch and falling in love with a girl every three seconds before i sat there and realized "oh shit". it was a big oh shit, and even then, i was nervously like "nah, it's just. they're pretty! i like boys exclusively!! i dont like girls the same way i like boys, so i like boys!" and it really took finally seeing someone else say that being bi doesn't mean you're attracted to gender the same way for me to realize - damn it, im bi, aren't i. not in a disappointed way, i will say i think im luckier for not ever dealing with internal biphobia when i was younger, and that carried over, i dont have any distaste over being bi, but there really is a sense of frustration looking back at eleven/twelve year old me saying im bi and sixteen-eighteen being like "im gay" all because of confusion based around gender dysphoria. and there's even more frustration confronting that dysphoria and how it sways my perception of gender and attraction in a way i can't really express. there's frustration that i finally concluded im bi while watching star trek at midnight while pointedly not doing my physic homework.

i never had people to talk to about this, absolutely terrified of being judged, called fake, etc. and scared of stigma. it took me long years for my ever-evolving self to come full circle because i was too scared and confused to talk about it instead of crying into a pillow at night because of extreme frustration.

and that's my excessively long post to say... im bi. girls are pretty.

[wandering4ever]

.

the more i look into demiboy, the more and more and more choked up i get because it feels right.

it feels fucking right.

it is fucking clicking and it just. feels. right. i cant help but keep saying that because i’m on the verge of tears.

even when i found agender, my reaction wasnt this strong. it was a sense of relief, a sense of ‘ah, yes, that works.’ but it didn’t click. it didnt feel right.

i’m literally trying so hard not to cry because i’m getting so happy. i’m reading into demiboy because i was so afraid that the fact i strongly prefer they/them pronouns would discount everything about the fact i feel more masculine then feminine 90% of the time.

but i’m finding over and over and over again so many other people who identify as demiboy or demigirl or demianything, that use they/them. 

i just want to scream because i have never in my life found a term that felt right. this term feels right. it feels, fucking, right.

i dont even know how to describe it. because (tmi paragraph so slashing through) i’ve also been afraid i couldn’t say demiboy when ever since puberty, i’ve always wanted a dick. which. i know it sounds so incredibly strange and i KNOW it’s tmi. but it’s so hard to explain. the best i can is that there are times where.. it literally feels like i should have a dick. phantom dick. it isnt just that i detest my genitals its the fact that i literally feel like i have a dick, should have a dick, and shit like that.. ...

 ive just been afraid that because of this, maybe i am trans. i know technically i fall under that umbrella because of definitely being NB. and i’m not trying to make it sound bad. but calling myself trans feels wrong. yes, i prefer ‘he’ pronouns over ‘she.’ yes, i infinitely prefer presenting androgynous or male. and yes, most days, if you asked me if i felt more like a ‘man’ or a ‘woman,’ i would not hesitate to say ‘man.’ 

but it just.... i dont know. maybe it’s the internalized fact that i feel like i dont... ‘pass the test’ to ‘have the right’ to even use trans as the umbrella i fall under. sure, as i kid when i mistaken as a boy i was over the fucking moon and back. sure, i have detested dresses since forever, and detested 90% of ‘girly’ things. sure, my gender dysphoria is 99% of the time out the fucking roof to the point i’m usually only three minutes away from taking a knife to myself.  but it still just doesnt feel right.

demiboy does.

i’m going to keep looking into this. i’ve been afraid to because whenever i look into gender things, i throw myself into an anxiety attack. and i can still feel one right now. but i think right now... it isnt happening because currently my gender is quite very firmly in ‘male’ territory. i’m wearing my tightest sports bra to smash my chest as flat as possible, i’m wearing one of my men’s tank tops, and wearing ‘boxers’ (boy briefs that are still meant for women.. but still).  not to mention earlier tonight when my grandfather randomly stood up, walked over, and rubbed at my upper lip (to which i was like ‘yes?? i have a pimple right now can i help you??) and he responded with ‘oh sorry i thought maybe you had a mustache’ i was the opposite of upset about this. i was almost excited. (which was quickly followed by shame because family stuff etcetc BUT WHATEVER)

the point of this sudden spew is that i’m so so so happy that i think i have found a term that honestly.. is me. agender still feels partially correct, but demiboy just.... just fits. agender is like the pair of jeans that you know are comfortable but still occasionally squeeze too tight, demiboy is like the pair of pajama pants that feels amazing because theyre loose and you can breathe and everything is just comfortable.

....

TLDR;; Nik is excited because they think Demiboy is the correct term for their gender. Nik also is trying to work up the courage to tell accepting friends to begin using ‘they/them’ instead of ‘she/her’