#but i don't have to put myself out there trying to get hrt or anything like that

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[nonsensical-questions]

Errmmm annual update,

How are things goin for ya (not about sensetale specifically, just in general)

I appreciate the general check up as i haven't posted anything in a bit, but for a little update i guess, got a new job, pays me more and doesn't give me as many hours, this is a good thing as i can pay my bills just fine without having to work as much, but i am getting called in a lot and i need more money in general so i'm sorta trying to build stuff up... got a new name, i'm still keeping my old one i just have two first names i switch between now so that was funky but it made me feel a little better so it's nice got on HRT a while ago and it's fucking with me emotionally i think either that or i'm experiencing periods as it's not all the time, but it's too soon to tell if it's this or that so right now i'm just enjoying the general effects of it and learning how to deal with stronger emotions, this is a good thing i no longer feel as dysphoric about myself but it still comes from time to time as for projects and stuff i'm working on? got quiet the load honestly, no progress on sensetale for mental health and general self confidence issues, it's still on hiatus until i can get good enough to make the sprites i need or find someone willing to help me out but in non-sensetale related projects... well... i did wanna keep some stuff a secret but some of these have been in the work for a while so... what the hell might as well show some off I appreciate the general check up as i haven't posted anything in a bit, but for a little update i guess, got a new job, pays me more and doesn't give me as many hours, this is a good thing as i can pay my bills just fine without having to work as much, but i am getting called in a lot and i need more money in general so i'm sorta trying to build stuff up... got a new name, i'm still keeping my old one i just have two first names i switch between now so that was funky but it made me feel a little better so it's nice got on HRT a while ago and it's fucking with me emotionally i think either that or i'm experiencing periods as it's not all the time, but it's too soon to tell if it's this or that so right now i'm just enjoying the general effects of it and learning how to deal with stronger emotions, this is a good thing i no longer feel as dysphoric about myself but it still comes from time to time as for projects and stuff i'm working on? got quiet the load honestly, no progress on sensetale for mental health and general self confidence issues, it's still on hiatus until i can get good enough to make the sprites i need or find someone willing to help me out but in non-sensetale related projects... well... i did wanna keep some stuff a secret but some of these have been in the work for a while so... what the hell might as well show some off

vs. mad mew mew genocide route edition! i love mew mew as a character and i've been really inspired to make something relating to her i just didn't know what to, well recently i got my insperation and have been coding it out, don't know what the ending is currently but i have a rough idea of what i want to do, hopefully you will all enjoy it the song is Dummy! from UNDERTALE: Alternate, thank them so much for letting me use the song! couldn't hope for a more fitting battle theme that just so happened to accidently match with the character i was making the fight for lol I have more projects i'd love to show off but tumblr only allows for 1 video so you'll have to have the shitty gifs instead

after undertale yellow released I loved the concept of everything so much but i really wish some more attention to the lore had been put in, but hey there was still some really cool stuff they did like i loved the guns and ammo types, so i decided to work on what it would look like for the blue soul which i nicknamed melody as her healing things are music notes and clovers are well clovers, this spawned a whole thing where i started making characters and ideas and... honestly i don't think it will go anywhere soon.... if at all but hey a mouse can dream huh? well i might as well show off some characters with little to no context huh?

not all of these are major characters but just stuff I wanted to show off, if people wanna make art or ask about it, the au name is official "Undertale: Era of Integrity" but for now you just get the designs and simple mechanics that i showed off, i have more to talk about

an underfell project! this was mainly learning to code KR and fuck around with my idea of an underfell au that takes the canon version and makes small tweaks here and there, i made some sprites to show what i mean

again not really giving out much info, if people wanna know more let me know i guess! no official name just some underfell concepts i've been working on I do wanna make some playable fights eventually but i'd need to work out some kinks first to make it all work some other projects that feel too small to sorta show off stuff of are a Tale's end sans fight (like from the comic) i was working on with friskbits actually helping quiet a lot and a help_tale sixbones fight (again from the comic) both are almost done but also both have big hurdles i'll need to get past before i finish it, for tale's end it's just... writing, frisky is normally busy and i had major writers block, writing for what you may ask? the comic surely has most of what i need right? haha I wish, there are so many options and it all comes back to that stupid flower, i have like 20 endings based on if you kill or not and then reset and do a certain action, I have the main endings coded but the great flowey remembering my resets makes it way harder to actually finalize the sixbones fight is mainly the absorb stuff, as we never saw that in the comic so i sorta had to improvise and making it looks cool! but I'm sorta just winging it i guess i'm also working on a mettaton date, this one with an overworld, you know how alphys, undyne, and papyrus all got dates? oh and sans too sorta, well toby literally mentioned dating mettaton on the kickstarter and never delivered! so i'm doing it myself, date the sexy rectangle... eventually i'm still on the overworld stuff and need to finish designing mettatons room fully, i'd show some stuff off but i'm not sure how long it's gonna be plus this post is already hella long so just gonna cut this here and maybe talk about it later there is some other stuff here and there but it's mainly just ideas, I had an idea of something something deltatravelers something something OFF but i'm prob not even gonna do that, maybe i'll make some sketches or mock ups for it later but eh i wanna finish projects first i have too many on my plate currently I know a lot of people might be mad, that i'm working on other projects and stuff while im supposed to be working on sensetale, but I'm trying to improve skills and general get better at making the content so people can enjoy it more, and when i was ready i would try and work more on sensetale maybe remake the area do new poses make new characters or sprite something unique and cool, one of the reasons i don't post or even answer questions on this is i don't want to get people's hopes up that this will return soon, i really want it to return soon but I don't have the resources or time to commit to it I had a thought that maybe, I should make this a general au project stuff, so I can show off more stuff and see what people like but i've had 20 or so projects i've never finished. I wouldn't want to show all this cool stuff off and never deliver on it. But perhaps if that is what would everyone would enjoy more, seeing progress and stuff i'm working on, if people would be okay not seeing sensetale in favor of more content? just food for thought, i want to see what people think before i act.

[detransition]

from dickevandyke The other day a friend of mine said they hardly even consider me detrans because I "didn't really do anything to detransition". I didn't ask what they meant by that, because they're not really the kind of person I can have that sort of conversation with. I didn't want to have to explain to them why I detransitioned. I didn't want to have to justify finally feeling okay with myself after spending my teenage years being miserable and stressed about being trans.

It's kind of a fascinating mindset, though. I think it gives really wonderful insight as to how their brain works. Like, I stopped taking testosterone. I stopped asking to be referred to by male pronouns. I "came out" as a woman, and I Came Out as a Lesbian after also spending most of my teenage years trying very hard to repress my attraction to women. This person doesn't view that as doing anything. Why?

I imagine it's because I dress fairly masculine - as Butches generally do. I wear still wear, mostly, "boyish clothes". I didn't start wearing make-up. I didn't let my hair grow out long. I haven't done any voice training, or really made an effort to make my voice higher pitched like it was before. I haven't gotten breast implants. I rarely correct people when they call me "sir". I don't need to do any of those things. A stranger calling me "sir" doesn't mean I am not a woman. Not having breasts anymore doesn't mean that I'm not a woman. The point of my detransition was not to turn myself into a stereotype or to dive head-first into femininity.

The point of my detransition was just that I am finally comfortable with myself, just as I am. That doesn't mean that I love my body, but I am okay with it. I am at peace with who I am.

Do I regret getting a mastectomy? Yes. There was no other reason to remove my breasts, they were perfectly fine, they were small and didn't cause me any back pain, I didn't have any medical issues related to them. Do I regret wearing a binder? Absolutely. It has screwed up my ribs and back so severely that I am probably going to be living with chronic pain for the rest of my life. Do I regret going on HRT? Sometimes, sometimes not. Honestly, it didn't really change much for me outside of my voice and making my body hair slightly thicker. Do I regret social transition? Absolutely. I dug myself into such a deep hole of self loathing and repression that it took me three years to finally crawl out of it. So after going through all of that - after putting myself, my body through all of that, why would I want to do it all over again in the opposite direction, when there is absolutely no need for it?

I "didn't do anything to detransition" because I don't need to do anything to be a woman, I just am one. Woman is my natural state. I "didn't do anything to detransition" because I already put my body through three years of cross-sex hormones, five-ish years of binding, and an unnecessary mastectomy which has left me unable to feel most of my chest more than a year post-op. I don't need more unnecessary surgeries or expensive treatments to make myself into a woman, I never really stopped being one. Getting breast implants wouldn't make me more of a woman because I don't need breasts to be a woman. Voice training to make my voice a higher pitch again won't make me more of a woman because a high pitched voice was never what made me a woman in the first place. Wearing make-up, growing out my hair, wearing "girly" clothes wouldn't make me more of a woman, because femininity does not make a woman.

I didn't argue with them when they said that because, to be honest, I don't want to hear what they think makes a woman. I don't want to hear them trying to justify why they barely consider me detrans because I have not tried to turn myself into a feminine stereotype. It just really struck a chord with me, because if I'm not really detrans to them, am I really a woman to them? Or do they see me as some kind of "failed" woman because despite explicitly and openly accepting my womanhood, I am not their picture of what a woman is suppose to be?

thinking of detransition? you are not alone

[omgcatboi]

Are you a “eat until death” type of person? I know you want to get fatter, but 800 pounds is a lot…

Answer below the cut (:

I'm not sure how to read the intentions behind this anon, rather they be good or bad. But I'm going to answer anyways because I do get asked this from time to time.

( disclaimer because I can already hear people trying to argue with me, but my aunt who was 700 pounds lived until her 60's and she was fat her entire life, so no, she didn't die immediately from gaining weight. Nor will I. )

Am I an ' eat until death ' type of person;

I absolutely am, but I limit my ' death feedism ' posting here ( as well as tag it ) and am thinking of making another side blog to remove that posting from here entirely for the comfort of my followers. I'm not eating with intention to end myself, I just feel like life is what you make of it and anything can happen at any point to cut us a short deal. Also, my cultural beliefs are that the entire purpose of life is to experience it. So that's what I want to do. Death isn't the end goal, and I do eat many healthy foods ( and encourage it often on my blog so that other feedees can gain weight more healthily. ) I just know I wanna get as big as possible, and that may bring along a good handful of complications that can result in death.

TW ; talk of fascism and American imperialism as well as transphobia / legislation enforcing bigotry.

Also, not to get all doom and gloom but look at the state of this world. Look at the dying planet we have limited time on. Each day a new fascist bill gets passed here in America alone. If death takes me out this hellscape then it's doing me a hell of a favor, because there IS no other way out. Not without a ton of money for a passport and applying for citizenship overseas as well as paying American taxes AFTER moving out. And even then, America IS the empire of our age. It influences the rest of the world. And it has already been invading other countries and enforcing fascist dictatorships either directly or indirectly for MANY years now. So even if I COULD hypothetically move out, I'd still be at risk of being under Americas extreme rule anyway. Or worse, I'd end up in a situation like P/lestinian just like Vi/tnam was.

I know what I'm saying is dark and depressing, as well as anxiety inducing, but I'm showing that I've put plenty of thought behind this decision. Just like I did before starting HRT even tho I ALWAYS knew I am trans. And I don't need anyone trying to talk me out of the lifestyle I am living. Besides, with my genetics, I'm going to keep gaining regardless. It happened to my aunt who was roughly 700 pounds, and even then, she was near her 60's when she passed. I'm only gaining faster, not less. ( And she wasn't gaining intentionally, she just didn't care about fitting into other people's idea of what she should be and what she should do. )

In her 60's

60'S

I don't want to be old and wrinkly ( no hate tho those who are ) I don't want to live that damn long ( like 70's and older ) just. Nah. I'm good.

I'm just enjoying my time while I have it.

( this next part is not about people with triggers who are triggered by death feedism or very fat bodies. So if that is you, stop exposing yourself to this bc I tagged it and talked about it plenty before getting to this point of the post. )

And as a footnote to anyone who may be reading this, if you have an issue with people getting ' too big ' 1) you need to check that way of thinking because you ARE in the feedism / fat kink community. And that INCLUDES people who are, gasp, suprise, FAT. And 2) you should spend some time reflecting on what lead you to harboring that way of thinking.

Not saying this anon holds these views at all, I'm just mentioning it because it is my blog and we are on the topic. ( Plus I'm Knipping everything in the bud now as far as the group of people who will try and spew any level of fatphobia at me for this. In which case I'm not even going to read what y'all say, I'm just going to block you lol. )

One love and allat 😌

[grumpybunny-edith]

Furry HRT comics have been something my brain kinda constantly returns to over the last... since people started making them, and so just like anything else I'm really invested in, I feel like I need to analyze them as a phenomenon a little bit.

In some ways, I feel like the most popular formats of these comics are informed by a traditional or uncomplicated view of medical transition. Every character is presented as being able to get an appointment pretty simply, and all live in proximity to their endo. Their initial appointment usually sucks, but characters get what they're looking for and generally don't experience any more roadblocks. The meds people take are always compatible with them, and do not cause any unexpected or adverse side effects.

There's also the assumption in many of these comics that transition has a definite "end". There exists a point where a character is "done", more or less, which isn't accurate to transgender experiences and pushes some of the harmful narrative perpetuated by the medical system. This structure, as well as the fact that furry HRT generally functions more quickly than transgender HRT, is helpful to the format of the stories as short-form narratives, as it helps create a satisfying conclusion.

This is all great for what the format and narratives seem to be trying to convey. Even in amongst the body horror which is common to the narrative, which is in itself useful for exploring how something many view as horrible or uncanny (such as gender transition), they are stories about trans joy. They're about some of the adversity we face, finding happiness among that adversity, and sharing in it with our communities. They're also about finding an authentic self through a medical process that isn't seen in reality, and how regardless of how strange people find something, happiness and self love are what is most important.

But also, when I reflect on these narratives, I sometimes struggle to see myself in them. I'm a person who has spent her entire time medically transitioning dealing with shitty, non-fantastical roadblocks; and it's never the fault of a shitty doctor. Prescriptions take a long time to deliver, insurance doesn't wanna cover it, drugs don't work properly (or sometimes too well, and my doctor starts thinking I have a tumor in my brain), that kind of stuff.

And part of why this bums me out is that there's still so much joy there. It takes more work to love oneself when you spend a month or two off for every three months on, but it's a beautiful thing when you do. There's a whole side of the community engaging with things like DIY HRT, helping and looking after one another even when the medical system won't. There's also people microdosing HRT, either because they're unsure how they feel about it, or there's something in the "in-between" that feels right for them.

Of course artists should put to the page the stories that they want to tell. This post honestly was helping me do the same thing by orienting my thoughts. I'm just yearning for stories that feel a little bit closer to the life I've lived and noticing trends that feel reminiscent of the ways the system hurts us. I love and appreciate every single one of these stories and I hope people don't stop making them - there's so much uniquely trans joy to be had in them. I guarantee this isn't the last of what I have to say about the topic; there's too much here worth celebrating and reading closer.

[the-ace-with-spades]

how I know GPs actually don't want to help their trans patients at all: my GP 'doesn't feel comfortable' prescribing me birth control

this is a rant but I'm so fucking tired and I need to let it out

I've been on waitlist for NHS GIC for over two years, estimated 7 more years, I went private after DIYing HRT on and off over a year ago. First, I heard from my GP that as long as the psychiatrist and endo also work for the NHS, we'll prescribe your T for you, then once you finish your 6-month review, we'll do that, and then actually, I want you to have reviews every 3 months and only then I'll prescribe it for you - which would be more expensive than just buying it with private prescription by over x100 (review is £150, private prescription for 3 months is less than £15 with postage and filling). "I'm not comfortable prescribing TRT to someone who is biologically female," is what she 'explained', and, "This is not what testosterone use was intended for and I'm not knowledgeable enough in what kind of side-effects it'll have on you to put my registration on the line." I could show her the fucking BNF and how masculinizing gender identity disorder therapy is literally right under low T levels for men, and she'd still turn the other way.

Now, see I'm a trans guy who still gets his periods. I wasn't too bothered about them, but it seems that it was because my E was too high (or got too high, it was alright on DIY and then on the legal T at first). My endo said she will prescribe me birth control that would work as an E blocker before we try typical blockers (mostly due to a history of early osteoporosis in my family)

The birth control in question is regularly prescribed to cis women that feel bad on the typical pill, in fact, my cousin is on it, and my endo said my GP should not have a problem prescribing it but she'll send a guideline anyway. It's a 3-monthly injection that needs to be administrated at the GP and can otherwise get expensive as a private prescription because you need to book the administration service as well (even tho I have a few colleague nurses who would do it for free for me or tho I'm technically allowed to administrate it, being a nurse myself).

I go to my GP with the guidelines from my endo added to the system and what does my GP say? "I don't feel comfortable prescribing this to you."

I ask why. She says it wasn't designed to act as an E blocker. I'm like, "You know it is birth control because it lowers estrogen production enough that the menstrual cycle doesn't proceed the way it's supposed to, right?" and basically give her a mini-lecture on how hormones operate the reproductive system because it's a fucking basic information. She says estrogen is needed for other functions as well and she's afraid it'll get too low on the injection, and like, yes, I know this --- something they taught me in fucking middle school --- but I have blood tests done every 3 months and my last said I have high estrogen by female ranges, not to mention male, so being too low is not even an option right now. She doesn't really say anything but, "I'll not prescribe it because I only feel comfortable prescribing it to women and I don't have enough knowledge to prescribe it to someone on testosterone."

So yes, I'm a woman to her when it suits her, or I'm not, if that suits her better.

[schrodingers-egg]

28/06/23: Today these shorts arrived, I decided to start working out (spoiler alert I have not worked out at all in the 15 months since drafting this post), I registered with a local GP, and I decided to start saving so I can try and start HRT before the end of the year. More details below the break but there's also photos there so continue at your own peril ig.

I've never really liked taking photos of myself, I can count on one hand the number of selfies I've taken and putting up photos like this online is unheard of for me. I've barely even worn shorts. At this point I've only just started shaving my legs (and doing a terrible job, I want to get hair removal cream and then start epilating). I haven't done anything to my arms yet cause they're the most likely part to be visible to other people.

I'm not socially transitioned at all because I don't think my parents (dad specifically) would take it well and with my colleagues generally being older, as well as some comments one coworker has made about trans people in the past, I'm not comfortable with them either.

-------------

OKAY HI so It's been over a year since I last interacted with this draft, that's wild. So HRT stuff first, I started DIY at the end of Jan 2024, that's almost 9 months ago! I plan to swap from pills to patches when I order more stuff some time in November, and try starting with prog and dropping the bica. Sadly the photos above suck so won't be great for comparison, and I don't even know if that much has really changed (apparently my bust has been the same size for like 5 months, I suck at measuring) butttttt here:

There’s three photos cause the second one is closer to what I took last time but my arse looks flat so the third one is cope. Also you might be able to tell that I'm much more comfortable taking photos of myself, even if i still haven’t learned how to pose :P

I also very recently got a referral to the gender clinic, and back around March I did manage to get some initial bloods done after starting HRT, things looked fine, T was low, and my more recent bloods are also fine so that's great!

okay this post has like no structure, oops. Well I do take more photos of myself now, I can sometimes see myself in the mirror and think I'm cute, I'm a bit better at shaving my face (but still bad) and I just use a trimmer on my arms and legs cause it's more convenient and epilation hurts.

Oh and I picked the name Elsie! I imagine most people who care about this post know that already tho. I came out to my brother and sister-in-law cause I didn't want to sign the wedding guest book with my deadname but if I signed with Elsie they'd probably be confused, they were super accepting and told me they would always be a safe place for me! I know they have queer friends, which is mostly why I was comfortable coming out, and they even made a joke about being the token cishets of the group. Oh and I also came out to the mental health nurse (I had to go to sessions after getting my autism referral and I felt comfortable telling them - that's part of how I got to the point of having a gender clinic referral)

I'm still not out to my parents, and a month or two ago some of my coworkers were talking and said they were definitely on the side of Rowling, that only people who have daughters would understand because "I wouldn't want a man in the same changing room as my daughter" so yea that's suuuuper fun... Probably means I won't be coming out at work like, ever.

[bloodofgrapes]

May I ask what your top tips for appearing more masc are prior to hrt? No matter how basic, I want to hear them (im desperate) (esp voice-wise)

Well anon, as with all things, your mileage will vary. Are you looking to be fully stealth/cis passing? Do you want to simply feel more masculine? Think about what you really and truly want, not what your friends or society or anything else may tell you, but what YOU specifically would enjoy doing. There is no one way to be masculine, and what works for me may not work for someone else.

With all of that out of the way though, here are a few things that helped me specifically. I'm stealth in real life, and I prefer to be... more or less conventionally masculine. My partner put it aptly: "you look like a boring office worker."

Take fashion advice from cis men/cis oriented groups. No offense to my fellow trans masc/trans men, but taking fashion advice from them is often a case of the blind leading the blind, at least if your goal is to be cis passing. You can dress well and look presentable (I certainly do), but don't put male fashion on a pedestal, because even the best dressed cis men don't--this is just what they're familiar with and they're going about their day the same way you are.

Clothes can get you a good portion of the way there, because I was functionally stealth even prior to starting testosterone (though I will confess a large amount of genetic luck), but if you dress and act with confidence, most people won't put much more thought to you than what is immediately apparent.

Your hair will also massively help you: men tend to favor fairly plain and boring cuts. A traditional cut will help you look more masculine than anything that requires a blow dryer and copious amounts of gel. I'm a boring (and lazy) person, so this suits me just fine, but I know this can get dull really quick to a lot of people, but that's just the way it is. That said, always, ALWAYS get your sideburns and nape squared off rather than tapered, I swear it's like the only irl cheat code for masculinity. The little details are usually what count the most.

On voice, you're in luck. Far too much emphasis is put on having a deep baritone that would put James Earl Jones to shame. You don't need a deep voice to sound like a man, but you do need to consciously keep your speech patterns and the way you speak in mind. Pay attention to the cis men around you, not what you see in media--most of them really don't have voices that are particularly deep. But you'll notice that they don't pitch their voices and inflect the way that women are typically taught to. This has nothing to do with genes, these are purely social skills, and while it's a pain, they can very much be learned by anybody who works at it. Cis men tend to speak much more flatly and bluntly, and use fewer words to get their meaning across (which is a good skill to have no matter your gender, in my opinion). When I put on my Woman Voice™, it's not so much that I speak in a higher pitch (though I do), but that I draw out my words and speak a little more theatrically. A simple "hey, how are you doing?" becomes "Hiiii, it's SO good to see you again, how have you been!"

That's a pretty stark difference! And again, this is just what works for me. I have not cut out any parts of my personality or toned down who I am, not least of all because I'm a pretty flat and monotone person to begin with, but I do restrain certain aspects of how I present myself, particularly with people I'm not close to.

I'm sorry that this is a long winded way to say "dress appropriately, get a decent haircut, and flatten down the way you speak", but I do try to be cognizant of the fact that you can feel and present masculinely in more ways than there are grains of sand on earth. All of the above are things that help me feel better and more comfortable in my own skin, and are not necessarily what I would prescribe other people to do to feel right in theirs. Only you can know what works best for you, which is why I prefaced this with advising you to think long and hard about what would make you happy and comfortable.

That said, if any of the above appeals to you, do a little research. I enjoy browsing Reddit's Male Fashion Advice sub, not least of all because you see an enormous range of fashion that goes beyond t shirts and jeans. Look for men that have face shapes similar to yours to see what kind of haircuts flatter them, and study the way that the men in your life speak, gesticulate, and generally act. Study them like they are animals in a zoo and it's your life mission to document them, and you'll pick up a lot. I hope this helps!

[chaotic-archaeologist]

I'll be on my first dig this coming August (whoop whoop). Aside from the general tips (sun cream, good shoes, clothes for the weather), what are some suggestions you have? (Anything from how to deal with 20+ random people from my uni course who I don't know, being a trans man in the UK heat and figuring out how to dress and deciding whether I should actually try to care about hiding my chest/sports bra straps (if I wear tank tops), what to pack for lunch, etc.) Our dig organiser has literally told us nothing except the dates and times we'll be working, so I am going a little bit insane with trying to plan logistics for myself. (Also having a fun time trying to find steel-toed boots and a new rain jacket....) Sorry for the long ask, I hope you have a lovely day!

Hey there, dirtling! Congratulations on going on your first dig! The good news is that I think I've answered all of your questions before, and you can find those posts on my advice master list. But I'll also take the time to go into more detail about some precautions for trans archaeologists.

Passing: listen, I'm a firm believer that passing is not the end all/be all of trans experience. Some people really really want to pass. Some people don't. That's totally fine. However, in certain settings, passing can be a safety issue—particularly if you're going to a country/area which is less LGBTQ+ friendly. The choice on whether to conceal your methods of binding is entirely yours.

In general, I've found archaeologists to be very accepting, but I would consider keeping things on the DL for a week or so while you get a read on the group and then proceed from there. Is it shitty that you have to worry about that? Yes. Is it a precaution that could help keep you safe/minimize uncomfortable interactions? Also yes. Do what feels best to you.

Binding on a dig: binding is going to put you at higher risk for heat exhaustion and heatstroke. This is a serious concern, and you should do everything you can to minimize the danger. You don't have to tell your supervisor why, but I would recommend letting them know you're sensitive to heat and may need to take breaks to cool off. Heatstroke is one of the biggest occupational hazards for archaeologists, and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

You can also set yourself up for success by getting clothes that will help keep you cool (provided you can afford to do so). I have two pairs of REI's Trailmade Pants, which are expensive but totally worth it. They're incredibly comfortable and breathable, and they've held up to repeated wear and tear. (They also come in a lot of different waist/inseam measurements which is handy for trans guys.) But you cal also totally go to a local sporting/outdoor store and find something similar. Do this for shirts too. Find things that are breathable and that won't trap heat.

Figure out how you're going to wash whatever it is you're using to bind. You are going to sweat. You are going to get gross. You do not want the skin irritation that will come from wearing a dirty binder all the time. Again, if you can afford it, look into getting multiples of your preferred binder so you don't have to worry about doing laundry all the time.

Be aware of the physical limitations that come with binding. This is applicable to any kind of physical exertion, excavation included. Make sure you're taking breaks to breathe properly.

Medications: if you're on HRT, make sure that 1) you have the supply you will need, and 2) have a safe place to administer those medications. Depending on the field school, you could be camping or living in some sort of nearby accommodation. If your HRT requires an injection, scope out a sanitary place to do so. If you need your supervisor's help in ensuring privacy while you do your injection, you don't need to tell them what the injection is for (if you don't want to).

Group dynamics: (this has nothing to do with being trans) being tossed into a group of people that you don't know is always intimidating. But remember, everyone is probably feeling the same way, to varying degrees. Go into things with an open mind and find the people you gravitate towards. There's always going to be someone you don't like on a field crew, and there's nothing you can do about it. Just try to keep contact with that person to a minimum.

Keep your trowel sharp and your heart hopeful, -Reid

[complicitgirlfrot]

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

35: Worst possible time to get horny:

64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate)

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

Sadly i don't think i've a very good answer for this one. Despite all my big talk i've had a largely vanilla experience so far. I guess the "weirdest" would be my partner muffing me, but its not even weird cuz i taught them how in the first place, and like, idk. I'm a trans woman who's body is changing. I don't think its weird or abnormal to seek out new kinds of pleasure. Also there was a stretch of time i did it as a form of pleasure when i was still some scrubby teen guy who didn't know anything, so it wasnt really that unfamiliar to me.

35: Worst possible time to get horny:

I dont know, honestly. I've never really gotten spontaneously horny, even before on hrt. Its always something very intentional for me, so i don't really get horny in inconvenient situations, unless someone is actively trying to make me horny.

I guess the one that comes to mind was chatting with a mutual at the beginning of the week while between classes on campus. We were both horny and kinda sexting about it but once she got off and the conversation ended i just kinda put it on hold until i was home and could take care of things.

64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate)

I'm like 80% sure i've answered this in the past so heres the short version: stroking clit, whether hard or soft. Sometimes theres a plug involved. Sometimes theres a dildo down my throat (i do *not* last long when doing this). If i'm feeling ambitious i'll try to ride it, but i rarely make it that far before cumming, and i have a hard time pushing myself past one orgasm (tho the one time i did cuz i was desperate to be filled was amazing. I came twice and couldn't stand for like 30 min after)

[risu5waffles]

Five Years Is Not Hardly Any Time at All

Or, alternatively, five years is forever? One of those.

i wasn't really going to do anything Pride-y this year? Hardly seems much like it, what wiv corpos deciding maybe discretion (tossing queer folx under the bus) were the better part of valor (making all the monies). tumblr going triggerhappy on trans women's blogs is kinda Pride-y, but, like, that seems a bit of an all-year-round tyrefire, so... like, not really special for June?

Mostly, really, it's the multiple genocides on-going (tho', i've seen less and less news from Gaza, and i can only wonder why that might be /sarcasm), and this not-inexorable, we can't allow ourselves to feel like there's no stopping it, but still inexorable-feeling gallop into fascism.

All of that would take the wind out of most anyone's sails. Aside from, i dunno, folx who're really down wiv other people dying for our colonialism? But, fuck those folx. They're probably down wiv cops at Pride, and, again, fuck all of that wiv a bucket of rotten whipped cream.

Still, it has been five years, and this last year has been a whole lot. Like, personal-progress-wise a whole lot in the positive sense (it's also been a whole lot in the not particularly positive sense, a bit of a mixed bag really).

We got the passport sorted. Got our diagnosis, regardless of how i feel about needing it, got set up on hrt (8months on the ooze!). We've largely got the pins in place for the birth cert/name change. i think. Bureaucracy stresses me at the best of times, and bureaucracy at an overseas distance is not the best of times by any stretch.

It's been a busy year, and a pretty good one. It's been weird.

So, you know, i guess i could be persuaded to do something nice for y'all a little as a treat.

And a little bird told me that exploding-hammer-clowncar matt and @staff do so love trans girl's timelines.

This was... '98 or maybe '99? We were out of that apartment by spring '00. Honestly, the most i can say is, holy shit look at the fucking size of that place! 350 bucks a month and literally right off Marquette Campus are you fucking kidding wiv this shite? i loved the hell out of that apartment.

This is easily, hands-down the best picture i have from the before, and maybe the best experience i had. File name says 2006, so there were still a lot of days before waking up. i remember i couldn't get off the ground on my own, for the suspension. Honeybunny came over and she stood in front of me, put her hands under my elbows, and lifted me up, and i would have died for her right then and there if she'd asked me to. i remember how good it felt just hanging, and how sickening it was feeling the weight of myself settle back on my bones when they put me down, and i wept and didn't know why. It was a lot. Honestly, my transition goal is just getting an opportunity to retake this picture, just, not so dreadfully thin.

Now, those, i admit, were cherry-picked pix. They're the ones i feel most positive about pre-transition. But, i'm way more happy wiv the ones i've been taking now.

i don't think i've ever taken a picture where i was so happy. i wasn't even really trying for it, i was just trying to find a good place to set the phone so the angle would be right. It's not even really a "good" picture per se, but... when i looked at it to see if it was what i was going for for a better one, and i was honestly a little shocked? i didn't know i could look so happy wivout, like, mugging for the camera? Even compared to a year ago, that is such a massive change.

<happy squirrel dance>

Oh, right, i did do a video, like the one last year, so... i wasn't really gonna do one, but then i watched I Saw the TV Glow a couple days back, and it fucked me up royally, so here's 20some minutes of unscripted nannering that doesn't even really touch the surface of how i felt about that movie. Dang, but it is just... fuck it was so good, tho'.

Right. i'm done. It's midnight, and i haven't turned into a pumpkin. But i do need to fucking sleep.

[northwest-cryptid]

Okay so like here's the thing right, I've learned that I hold a sort of envy for an individual who's life I would never want to live. She very much threw her life away but at least she knew what she wanted. She got to be trans because she didn't work a job, so she could be as out as she wanted without consequence given that her family was fine with it. She could get on HRT, hell even my family supported her and took her shopping for clothes and the like; things my family wouldn't accept the same for me because I'm "their son." Though if that's all it was, that'd have been fine; no the issue came when she picked up hard drugs, had a relatively successful few polyam relationships; something I've only known a few times in my life and something I'll likely never know again. Once more I must state if she avoided the horrible ego death from so much LSD she can't think straight anymore, she'd have been fine. She even started producing, I'll say; honestly kinda decent music? It started to resemble music, but then remember; the acid, the LSD, the shrooms; it was never enough. She didn't have to survive like I did, she had a luxury of her boyfriend and her family being able to support her, she could still mask well while on HRT until she could pass so even when she had to get a job it wasn't too challenging for her; she even lived in a place where that sort of thing is a lot more accepted, so you know; not where I'm living now lol.

At the end of the day I lost my friend not in death, but in that she became someone completely different and we drifted apart, because the drugs just got to her; she'd become almost hostile if you didn't want to try them too; if you weren't willing to experience the world she had seen.

Yet I was always envious of her ability to just do whatever she wanted without a care. I'd never want to live her life; but the things she had were things I wanted, I just didn't know at the time. I think above all however, the fact that I realized I was trans so late.

Many of my friends will respect that I'm NB but it's fairly clear how I'm viewed, I'm not seen as a genderless or multi-gendered entity; rather I'm viewed as NB - Male. It's clear I'm still a man to most of them, as well as to the world at large. Coming to terms with the fact that while no, I don't believe I fit into the binary, I feel such envy towards my old friend because people actually respected her as a woman, there was no need to clarify, barter, or remind people. Even those of us who had known her for years prior to the transition.

I on the other hand have to fight to even be seen as anything other than a man, let alone non-binary. To be seen as a woman is so far fetched to me it feels impossible. If I started HRT I know what would happen, I wouldn't pass well enough, my voice or general genetics would easily give away that I'm trans; and living where I do, working the kind of jobs I do, that's not going to fly. I wouldn't remotely be safe to do it. That's even if I could get through all the paperwork and doctors necessary to sign off for me to even get on HRT in the first place.

I've come to the realization that if I'm going to be viewed as any gender I'd rather that be a woman than a man; but that in reality I'm just feminine leaning; I don't wish to be one or the other exclusively in it's entirety.

I am left wondering if my desire for change doesn't stem from a sort of disapproval from those I care about. I want to be seen as I am by them; even if it means I have to change my physical appearance to make that happen. I hear the way they speak of others, including other NB individuals; never failing to use proper pronouns; until it comes to me. Then it somehow becomes an issue; then it somehow becomes confusing.

I don't want to be rude to the people I care about, I don't want to be off-putting and "correct" them. I guess I'm just tired of not feeling respected or seen or understood.

One of the main reasons I kept to myself about being trans was because I watched how my family treated my friends, always making sure to be accommodating; using the right pronouns, bothering to actually help them transition; and then seeing how they reacted to me even remotely mentioning that I was questioning my gender. Or how they reacted to me being pan, refusing to accept either; telling me I've never "slept with a man so how do I know?" Only to become enraged when I told them I have, several times; and that I even had a few boyfriends in the past.

I've learned that others are allowed to be things that I am not, more often than not I don't even feel like I get to be me; rather I'm just whatever others want me to be when they want me to be it. I exist for others, be it at work or at home or wherever. I don't even know what I want anymore because I've spent so long being someone else for everyone else.

[the-trans-advice-blog]

Hello. I just found your blog, and am happy to see asks open because I really need some advice, if that's okay, on coming out to my family.

I'm a trans guy who's been out to friends in college for several months now, after years of being closested and suppressing. My friends and classmates use my preferred pronouns and name, and have consistently respected and defended my identity, so all's great. This just means I've grown more comfortable with myself, and have now no reason to not try and come out to my family, which I haven't done.

My parents are open minded people, but with this sort of stuff they've definitely voiced some sort of disdain towards, for example, gay or trans people in movies. I know their views, but still can't imagine how they'd react if I told them. Coming out to them feels unimaginable; and from someone like me, it would be very unexpected to them. When I'm at home, I'm just enjoying being with them since I don't go home very often for school, so it's also been an issue of mine to even imagine speaking up at like dinner or when we're hanging out.

Despite that, I really want to start medically transitioning, but not behind my parents back. I want to change my goddamn legal name asap, start hrt and get top surgery; I just want to feel like me. I will start working out of state in the next year, so I wouldn't want to start transitioning later when my family can't see me as often where any changes will be very noticable and huge to them. I want to ease us all through the transition, and not make it feel like I'm unrecognizable, like a completely different person, like they've lost their "daughter."

I'm genuinely asking out of a form of desperation, how do you come out, because from the bottom of my heart, I cannot fathom how to do it or where to start. How do you get yourself in such a vulnerable mindset and position to admit something so personal and unexpected? How do I explain to my parents something they most likely don't understand? How do I prepare myself if they don't believe me and reject what I've told them?

Any advice is much appreciated.

The first piece of advice I have for you is that as much as you love your family you need to remember this is about you. You’re not responsible for their emotions and you don’t have to coddle them through your transition. If they are people who unconditionally love you then they do not have to understand you to support you.

My second piece of advice, because it’s very clear to me that you really want them to understand which I think most people do, make it clear that you’re open to any and all questions. A lot of people are afraid of being offensive but it’s important they ask ANY questions they have in order to learn.

I know a lot of people will write down things they want to say to make it easier for them so that might be something to consider! Even just bullet points if you plan on doing this in person.

If you’re really anxious there’s no shame in adding everyone to a group chat and doing it over text.

At the end of the day you need to remember to put yourself first. People will try to tell you they’re grieving or can’t process or blah blah blah blah but your journey is about you and you alone. This is a great time of joy and fear and realizing yourself. The people who truly care about you won’t mind being put behind you.

If there’s anything else I can do to help my asks are always open, friend! Coming out is difficult but there’s not really a guidebook, just do what feels right for you.

[ashen-phoenix]

I'm worried about a lot of things in regards to getting top surgery, I want it, I know it's what's going to be best for me long term. I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings in regards to my case specifically, but if anyone sees this and has any thoughts, please share.

I think one issue I am having is that I have spent a lot of time learning to love my body, and I do, but I'm worried that this appreciation may be part of what's holding me back, maybe disguising itself as comfort in fleeting moments

I have always struggled with hoarding, I wasn't allowed to have things at one parents house and then was mostly unregulated at the others. I'm finally decluttering, getting rid of things from years and years ago that I don't need, and it's been really hard, but I felt so much better being free of those things months later. I'm worried that my compulsion(?) to keep my breasts may be related to my history with hoarding. When I think about getting top surgery, I often think about how freeing it will be and how much better my life could be, but I also get the same sort of gut wrenching emotional pain as when I was parting with the things I'd hoarded. I'm unsure if this is just some kind of grief?

Is it normal to have an attachment to my breasts and the details of them from learning to love my perceived flaws over time? I worked so hard to love myself and I feel like I'm ruining something I worked so hard for, because what if I get this done and I hate it? I'm never have my body back the way it was, although I know I'm not happy now either

This isn't a high priority for me, but I do wonder about the convenience and security of being able to breast/chest feed if I have children. I don't think I really care about it as a "bonding experience", maybe because I don't really feel connected to that part of me anyway. I'm sure I'm just trying to sabotage myself, but I keep wondering about if I have a baby and there's another formula shortage or something like that, is it selfish to take away that potential safety net for a child I don't/might never have, potentially starving them in this imaginary scenario because I wanted to be comfortable in my body? I know it literally doesn't matter, I know if something happens I'll figure it out.

On a similar note, when I think of breast/chest feeding, I am a bit put off. My body doesn't need to feed a child(who is honestly lucky if it gets made at all). I can hold and feed and bond with a child without making myself suffer, so why do I keep using this as an excuse

I'm worried my husband may not be attracted to me afterwards, he really likes my chest as it is now and was very shocked and seemed uncomfortable when I told him I was considering it and looking for therapists/hrt options/surgeons. He doesn't like hearing about medical procedures, and I think my other (much smaller) surgical scars kind of ick him out (there's more to it, he doesn't say anything bad about them, it's just that thinking about surgery/human insides at all really bothers him)

I'm so afraid my dad is going to see a bill to his insurance for a gender therapist or my top surgery consult and just pull the insurance early. As it is I only have until mid September before my insurance runs out completely. I'm worried my timeline may be impossible, that I've waited so long and one sabotaged myself.

I'm really hoping they'll let me cremate the bits they take off, it's really important to me that I have all my parts, whether they're inside/attached to me or not.

I'm worried about how my body will recover, it generally heals very slowly, I'm so afraid of the surgery itself, and being put under anesthesia, I've never had a surgery this big before and I'm honestly so afraid it might be my last decision, but I'm also afraid that all my fonts not are just cold feet. I got cold feet before my wedding, I still think I should have stood by my decision and waited another year, I think if I had been able to give the time to myself this last year that I had previously given, I would have sorted my gender issues out a lot sooner.

Any advice or support is highly appreciated

[noonegetsleftbehind]

i debated saying anything, or talking about this at all. i know it's super personal and a very touchy subject and one that a lot of people shy away from or even hide. it's frowned upon to talk about and, for some, i know it's triggering to see it talked about it, but i kept thinking of one thing....

so, if seeing or discussing this is triggering to you? i understand. i get it. look away and don't click the readmore if discussing heavy mental illness topics and struggles/mentions of self-harm and suicide are something that you cannot handle. that is so valid and you need to keep yourself safe. skip this post and read the next and know i love you.

please understand that i am not looking for pity or for judgment. i am simply being transparent and real. i am advocating for mental health and for others that may be struggling too.

i will not go into much detail on what my bad news was. just know that it means another very crushing blow to my already non-existent self-worth and our financial status. it was such a crushing blow that it pushed me off an edge i had barely been hanging onto from months worth of physical health issues (christ i have had 3 surgeries since december and been in and out of the hospital.) it's been hard. it's been real hard and this was something i had put a ton of fucking work into and fought like hell for for over a year all for... nothing. all to be de-humanized and be forced to question what my worth at all is anymore or why i'm even here or why i should bother to keep going at all.

i won't lie. it got dark. it's still dark. i'm still struggling. it caused me to spiral into a near catatonic dissociation. i spent all day in bed crying before i just sat staring and out of it. all my brain could even think of was how much i wished i was dead. it's still there. i still question why i'm here, but i'm getting to the part where that gets a little bit better.

this is not a new fight to me. it's not. i had a complete, ugly mental breakdown in feb of 2020. jesus, february is a shitty month for me historically. i broke while at work - my job that i thought was going to be the career of my life and at the time i was going to college to further my study in. too much stress and too many years of masking and pushing everything away and ignoring...things i hadn't even realized i was doing.... and it was like someone had built a fucking damn around niagra falls. everything came rushing out all at once. these are things i am still trying to even begin to process. and when you snap, find yourself under a desk screaming and crying and trying to claw at your face at work? you don't come back from that. you don't get to stay at that job. my dreams and plans for the future washed away that night.

i didn't give up then. i went into intensive outpatient after several hours in a ward. i spent nearly 4 months in near daily several hours therapy and this was in the heart of the pandemic. it was at this time that i started attempting to finally transition. in the midst of everything, i was denied hrt for health reasons which only set off my shitty feelings and body image more. i closed myself back off and went non-binary again and convinced myself i didn't fucking deserve to live my life as the right goddamn gender and i needed to just accept and live life as a cis-woman. spoiler alert? that shit doesn't work. it will eat you alive.

i attempted to get jobs again. i had a seasonal job that i lost in jan of 2021. i got another job that i was placed in while working with a state vocational program. that one worked out well. it wasn't a fancy or great job by any means, but it was one i could do and could make money from. my boss was nice and i found parts of it interesting, but can you guess where this is going? my health popped back up. first i broke the scar tissue in my right hand where i had carpal tunnel surgery in 2020. then i got a concussion. then, out of nowhere, i started getting violently ill and was in and out of the ER like 4 times in 2 weeks for the worst pain i have ever felt. basically? my gallbladder went to fucking shit. i had to have it removed. in order to do that? they made me quit my job and come back when i was cleared post op to lift again.

i went back to the job. it didn't last long until a mishap with the pharmacy caused me to be off my meds for 5 days. this caused me to have a black out episode where i have no idea how i got there or why i was doing it but i was in the bathroom cutting myself. again. another trip to the psych er. they corrected the med issue and i got to go home. the takeaway from this? please please please please do NOT fuck around with your meds. don't just stop taking them. it's dangerous as shit. take care of yourselves.

i was fine for about a month until more stresses started to come back at me one after the other. they were piling up and i was breaking more and more. i admit it. i have next to none stress tolerance. i can't deal with change, especially sudden and a lot. i can't deal with blow after blow. i literally cannot process it or cope. it sucks and it sounds like i'm just being dramatic or a baby, but i mentally and physically just... can't. it's debilitating.

i found myself walking back home from a doctor's appointment and my ideations were running rampant. the next thing i knew, i started to make a move to walk into traffic. luckily, my brain pulled me back out of it and i damn near ran the fuck back home to tell my wife i was not okay and i needed to go to the er. this time? landed me in a full week of inpatient stay. that entire ordeal caused even more ptsd than i already have. it was traumatic as fuck and took me MONTHS of working with my therapist weekly on to even begin to process. it sucks, it does, but the mental health system is broken as fuck. a place like that should have been helpful and healing to me in a time like that, but it was anything but. it just kept me alive and i suppose that was part of the point and good enough.

by the time i was released, i had lost my job. they didn't even fire me to my face. just told my wife. the end of that year was... not good. nor was the beginning of 2022. i took the opportunity to go ahead and get my other wrist operated on for carpal tunnel and got both elbows (cubital tunnel) done in january and march of 2022 as well.

it was around this time-ish last year that my body image issues started to tank. my dysphoria was so bad i wouldn't even look in a mirror. i hated myself. everything about myself. the body i saw was not me and and i could not continue long that way. i met who became my closest friend and ally in this time. with his help and support.... i fought to fully transition. I literally do not know where I would be without him and I hope he knows that and how much he means to me. i came out publicly and socially completely and in july i finally got to start T. i am just over 7 months in and in may i have my consult for top. i'm getting there.

you would think this would mean i was finally happy and things should be good, right? while i am on a journey that has been a lifetime in the making and am changing daily and week to week closer to my true self? it's a very slow and long process. especially in a time like now when the rights of trans and lgbtqia+ people are constantly being threatened and challenged. it's scary and it's a struggle daily to be who i am. there are a lot of challenges that come with this and it is not an easy road and anyone who thinks we just up and choose to be this way can eat shit and fuck right off. nobody would choose this kind of pain and struggle.

to top that off... in case all of this wasn't clear? i have a giant list of things diagnosed and wrong with me. cptsd, ptsd, mood disorder, severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder, borderline, gender dysphoria, panic attacks etc. these are things that don't just disappear. it means i still go to weekly therapy. it means i keep having to adjust to and come off meds and start new ones etc. it is a constant trial and error and a constant fight to keep going and be able to be better and just be okay. some days i'm fine and some days i'm not. sometimes i can be fine one moment and not the next. this is the nature of the beast.

so that brings us to now. once again... too many stresses.... too many blows one right after another snapped me. i broke and this time the difference is i knew it. i could feel it happening and see all the signs. the positive light here? in recognizing this, i knew i needed to fight like hell. i needed to get help. i knew i couldn't do this by myself. i can't keep going like this. so, i took the steps necessary yesterday to get in touch with my therapist and the location that handled my inpatient stay to get an assessment. this was so fucking hard to do because you run the risk of them saying you need to go inpatient. i took the risk because i knew i couldn't do this alone. bad things would happen.

so, that brings me to where we're at now. after being discussed with the psych on call, my assessment was recommended i do partial hospitalization. php is basically as intensive and the same thing as inpatient except you get to go home at the end of the day. this is the best possible outcome for me. i am scared shitless and it's a huge change and my social anxiety and ptsd for being back in the facility are through the fucking roof. i start monday. i'll be there monday-saturday 8am-3pm basically for 2-4 weeks. after that time, i will more than likely be moved into intensive outpatient for another 4-8 weeks. but you know what? i'm committed. i want to learn. i want to get better. i want the fucking help. it's not going to cure me, but it can damn well help me. that's all i want. (it's also breaking my heart that i now have to miss my best friend's wedding because i can't get out of the hospitalization. once i'm in, i'm in. it breaks me and i know he understands, but i wanted to be there for him and with him and it was important to me, but this can't be helped and i know that. it still hurts.)

so... that's my story. that's where i am. every day is a struggle, but right now... the struggle is damn near impossible. it is excruciating and it is draining of almost all of my emotional/mental/physical spoons/capacity. it makes daily life hard to even get through the day, it makes talking with people like i normally do extremely hard and it makes having enough brain power to be on here and get to anything substantial a crapshoot. some moments i can do it and have a lot of muse and feel the need to distract and writing has always been my favorite coping tool. but i just can't guarantee. i can't make promises about my activity and i hope that's understood and okay at this point. just know i WANT to be here. just know i am TRYING.

again... let me reiterate that i am not looking for pity in all of this. i'm not. honestly? i hope this HELPS at least one of you. i hope it shows you that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. it sucks, but it doesn't make you broken, even when it sure as fuck feels like you are. i hope it inspires someone to get help. i hope it makes someone remember to take their meds. i hope it lets someone know they are NOT alone. i hope it reminds someone to check in on a friend/love one. i hope it nudges someone to come out and be themselves and fight for who and what they are. why do you think i resonate with chris so much? why i love him so much? he fights. he never fucking gives up. no matter what. he grits his teeth together and he fights for himself and everyone he cares about.

"No one gets left behind. Not on my watch."

be kind to yourselves. know that you can always talk to me if you need to. if i have the spoons i will be here to listen and help if i can. know you are not alone. and most importantly?

remember that everyone behind one of these blogs that you're writing with or following... everyone on the street you see... we're all fighting our own invisible battles. you never know what someone is going through. you never know the struggle they're hiding. be kind to people, especially your fellow RPers. respect each other. lift each other up. befriend and love each other. nourish each other's creativity and hobby. stop fucking being so quick to break each other down.

mental illness is just as valid as physical illness.... you just can't SEE it. it's time to start treating it that way. it's time to stop looking down on people for what you don't understand. be glad you fucking don't if you haven't had to experience this shit then you're lucky. listen. be kind. learn. advocate.

Love, J

[starrypawz]

So uh personal update, on Gender (TM) as I don't think I've talked about this that much but like decisions are being made and this is like... a journey

So basically in 2018 I refereed myself to a NHS GIC as it was like 'Oh boy I am getting the genders and maybe enough of a case I should consider like... doing something' and at the time I had like some vague 'I might be transmasc' feelings and it was like 'I might want top surgery' so like I did that

And then time passes and I sort of forgot about it and then as people know the GIC system is super backed up anyway so like help.

And it was like four years later (2022) I had a message like 'Oh hey your first appointment is coming up now' and I had like... a debate about what I should do like if I even needed to go and was advised like 'at least attend your first appointment' and then during that one it was like 'Oh we can put you forward for some gender based talking therapy at least' and that seemed like a good idea

And then yeah during this time (2018-2022) I've like tried things, like I've had a binder, I went through that 'trying to dress more masc' phase, got a trans masc haircut (tm), covid happened and I came out the other side a goth weirdo, I find I'm actually more happy being a weirdo goth who sometimes wears skirts and dresses and I think I'm agender actually.

(Also like oh boy I'm not really living in circumstances where like doing that like typical 'get on hrt and transition' thing is going to work but I did havew to check in with myself to make sure that my decisions to not medically do anything wasn't just me wussing out but it's not it's just not quite the right step)

(And then during this time it's like 'lol my gender basically is like a bag of potatoes your forgot in the back of the cupboard i don't even know what it is right now)

And then more time passes and then like earlier this year it's like 'Oh hey you can start that now' and I have a therapy intake appointment and THEN it's like the clinician I'm seeing is like 'Oh I'm leaving the service actually but I'll do your initial intake and hand that over'

THEN

And now I can't remember how things went but it's like either I had my first appointment with the clinician, started adhd meds and then we had to have an appointment a month later or i started meds, had the appointment then a month break either way there was a delay to starting the therapy that during that time I started my ADHD medication and just as you know it basically fixed my brain somewhat and I can like... actually think and shit

But yeah basically turns out I actually didn't need to talk about my gender as much as I thought, It also turned out that a lot of the like weird disassociated feelings I've had going on are like 'that's the unmedicated adhd talking' (Not all of it but yeah a lot of it was like 'neurodivergent brain struggling to cope) and yeah I've like come to the conclusion that at least at this point I don't really feel that I actually need the 'medical' interventions (like hrt and or top surgery) like I've basically worked out where I am and that yeah actually I'm good thanks (Like tbh I've never had like very intense dysphoria so like dysphoria was not a useful metric for working out my gender, it's never really been physical features of mine causing distress it's more the social/metal side of things)

And yeah then a few weeks back it was like 'Oh here's your second appointment at the end of December' and it's like 'what the heck do I do now? I'm not planning to medically transition'

And yeah I had a therapy session today and basically my current plan is

I will attend my second assessment, it's apparently a good idea to do that as it means I have another chance to talk things over with someone, also it turns out you can be discharged from the GIC and then come back which is probably a good thing to have in my pocket should like circumstances change again like have a paper trail and like just have an official closure rather than just me leaving and potentially having to like start from square one again.

Also I'm meant to have two more therapy sessions in January so like it's probably a good idea to attend at least one of those so yet again it's like can close some stuff out.

So like I'm shuffling myself out but doing so in the like sensible official way. And yeah it has been a whole thing grappling with like if I'm wasting time/space since I know so many other people are behind me waiting to get in and uh... there's probably quite a few people ahead of me who didn't make it so like I am trying to exit the service as quickly as I can it's just... I'm going at the speed of red tape here.