#but i don’t want that extra stress of finances on top of everything else

[stonesandswords]

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[icyg4l]

PAC: What Do You Need to Let Go Of?

Hello beautiful people! Today is Saturday aka Saturn Day. In honor of Saturn Day, the day associated with banishment, protection and responsibility. Today is the day we let go of what no longer serves us; the day where we can no longer ignore what sits heavy on our spirits. So without further ado, please choose your Saturn.

**If you really loved this topic then you should book a reading with me, please read my guidelines and then message me privately! Also, if you had received a reading from me, don’t be afraid to leave a little feedback! Please and thank you in advance. 🫶🫶🫶

Top Left-to-Bottom Right: (1-6)

PILE ONE: “No More Mr. Nice Guy” is what I heard. I feel like you tend to have a lot of love & compassion for people. This doesn’t necessarily translate over to the other person/people though. You need to stop being so nice, Pile One. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. There is good and bad in everyone but what really matters is how this person makes you feel. Stop caring about the feelings of other people if you aren’t going to take yourself into consideration. This is why you always get taken advantage of. It’s okay to be a moody bitch sometimes. Having a sunny disposition 24/7 just isn’t realistic. Don’t act naive when you know the truth about certain situations. Move intentionally and with wisdom. If you don’t think they won’t do that, think again.

Cards Used: The Star, King of Cups, 7 of Cups, The Fool, The Moon, The Tower, Judgment.

PILE TWO: The movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind may resonate with you. I feel like you need to let go of your ex, seriously. You don’t have to forget about them but you do need to move past this person. They have caused much turmoil in your life, especially when it comes to your mental health. They could have indirectly negatively affected your finances as well. But there is someone else who is on the horizon. They want you to see the bigger picture. They want to show you better. If you have been writing notes about what you would like to see in your future partner, expect for these qualities to show up in someone that will soon approach you. They have a beautiful, colorful aura and they will let you shine. Your ex fucked you up bad but you can recover from this. Don’t be afraid to see what love has in store for you, my love.

Cards Used: King of Cups, The Magician, 2 of Cups (RX), The Star, The High Priestess, 5 of Wands, Judgment, Strength, The Fool.

PILE THREE: You’re a Virgo/Sagittarius, aren’t you? You don’t have to know and control everything, honey. Let go of the need to be involved in everything. You have been neglecting your soul’s needs. You have a lot of potential to grow but you don’t know how to accept help nor do you allow yourself to just be. You’re so uptight and burnt out right now. It would benefit you to just walk away from stress-inducing situations. If you know you can’t take that extra shift at work, why even bother? Who are you trying to please? You are making it hard for yourself to maneuver through this world peacefully because you do not know how to enjoy what’s in front of you. If only you could see the beauty of your labor. Slow down. Why are you going so hard for? You’re so used to making things happen that you get frustrated when things don’t work out your way. A word of advice: Please just allow time to do its thing. Don’t work against it.

Cards Used: The Sun (RX), Ace of Cups, Strength, 2 of Discs (RX), King of Wands, 7 of Wands (RX), 3 of Discs, 10 of Swords, The Magician, The Hierophant.

PILE FOUR: Christmastime must be your favorite time of the year, huh? I feel like you could also have a strong connection to Mariah Carey as well. Her book is on my mind heavy as I’m reading for you. I feel like you are so used to dysfunctional relationships. You have the tendency to move fast with people. I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, they ain’t going nowhere! Let go of your lovebombing tendencies and show up as your real self. I don’t think you see this as that but it is. You don’t seem to be big on communication. I don’t think you had the best role models for any kind of relationship so you just do what you know. But this does not translate well with other people, which results in chaos. Unpack why you interact with others the way that you do. You too, have a lot of growing up to do, my friend.

Cards Used: Knight of Wands, King of Swords, Queen of Cups (RX), Four of Wands (RX), Ace of Wands (RX), The High Priestess, 8 of Wands, 3 of Cups.

PILE FIVE: “Shut up and dance.” No seriously, shut up and dance. I feel like you are someone that refuses to be seen dancing in public or just in general. There is no need to feel like that. Let go of your shyness, babe. I feel like you actually have good dance moves, you just don’t want to be seen for some reason. Dancing will help you get more comfortable in the spotlight. You have gotten too comfortable in your little bubble. The next time someone asks you to dance, accept the offer (especially if it’s zydeco, salsa or kompa 🙈). You’re never too cute to dance, pookie.

Cards Used: The Hermit, Knight of Discs, The Chariot, 6 of Wands, The Empress, King of Discs (RX).

PILE SIX: Why are you wasting your time arguing with everyone? You need to master the art of preserving your energy. Let go of the need to prove yourself/defend yourself to other people. You exist just like everyone else on this planet but somehow you always end up in a verbal altercation. Is it worth it? I’m sure there’s plenty of alternative options you could choose. Just walking away could do you some good. You are the type of person to catch someone in a lie. Instead of cursing them out, you could just laugh in their face or block them. You could channel this energy into something else. It is normal to experience anger. But just know that you could always get in trouble if you never control it properly. Get a handle on your emotions. Be more logical & cutthroat. I think you definitely could benefit from taking the high road. Your soul is tired. Give it up, babe.

Cards Used: Knight of Swords, Queen of Swords, The Lovers, 8 of Cups, Ace of Swords, The Hermit, Justice, The Moon, The Star.

[nix-movingout]

New Beginings

A list of things that was wildly new to me when I started researching for my masters, needed help with and many things useful for kids applying for colleges as well:

· There are colleges with more study options than we regularly hear about and some of them are even wildly exciting. Although not every parent would agree with your options, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO STUDY. Don’t let anyone else make that decision for you.

· As controversial as evening colleges, gap years and underrated subjects are, don’t hesitate to choose for yourself if that is what you need. Not everyone needs to have a degree in a STEM subject before choosing a masters of their choice or choosing a completely different career path.

· Research scholarships and grants. There are more than we can imagine, and numerous organizations other than mainstream that fund for you co-scholastic skills as well or depending on your nationality, ethnicity or religion-caste.

· Marks aren’t everything. Not every college demands that their students have top grades, but also to possess different skills, interests, hobbies and qualities. However, this DOES NOT mean that really bad grades get you accepted. Unless the colleges are, in rare circumstances, greedy and accept students with extra fees, basic acceptable grades are required in almost every college.

· Personal research is essential. Sure someone else can choose and decide for you, but as a young adult it is completely necessary for you to research what kind of colleges are in your vicinity, the subjects you want study, their curriculums, evaluate costs and many more things.

· Knowledge of finances is something we all have to learn and keep up to. Most households have a tendency to keep kids, and sometimes, girls out of money matters. Knowing more will only help us manage better, organize and make an efficient plan.

· Have experience with basic legal matters. Like getting a driver’s license, having a passport, going to the bank for transactions, how to pay taxes, knowledge of loans and credit cards, how to rent an apartment, how to get your vehicle fixed, etc.

· Confidence in yourself that you can do it. Honestly, the first thing I built myself on is that I can handle this and decide to plan it methodically. I cannot imagine doing everything and then not having the nerve while taking the big step to move out to study or otherwise. I’ve had a friend freak out because it all happened too fast and I saw them struggle alone.

· Find a friend or a senior or anyone who has done this before. Hearing out their experience makes it better for you as a confidence booster and helps you plan more neatly. Try getting to someone who’s studied the same field as you. I had enough trouble to find a humanities graduate to tell me how they did it all, as I grew up in a community full of people always pursuing STEM subjects.

· Keep in track of the deadlines for the applications and map out what you want to get done by when. Pushing the planning and execution of the whole process to the end only makes it more stressful and causes a time crunch. Some people plan it for years, while some for at least an year to be prepared sufficiently. I started out a rough plan years ago, but I’m only getting into the details months in advance. I’d have done it earlier if not for the situation I was in.

· Know how to speak the local language, at least the basics, when going to a different place to study. Interacting with the locals and finding your community would make your experience infinitely better and more memorable.

[irishseeeker]

                                  rules don’t apply 

Having a crush on your boss is embarrassing. Inappropriate. Wrong. Especially when your boss is Anthony Bridgerton, the most insufferable man on the planet whom you actively despise.

What does Kate have to say on the matter?

…No comment.

–

read chapter 1 here or here

read chapter 2 here or  here

read chapter 3: here or here

read chapter 4 here or here 

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chapter 5: an (unadvised, unprofessional, unconventional) agreement

---

“I’m worried about you.”

Kate paused, the large scoop of green tea ice cream inches anyway from her mouth. Edwina and Kate had gone straight to Marys after an eventful brunch at the Bridgertons, spending the rest of the evening at hers and eating dinner. Since Edwina had told Mary the events of the morning and afternoon, Mary hadn’t stopped giving Kate the look.

Kate knew the impending inquisition was lurking all evening.

Mary had never been a parent to give out to her children. Kate couldn’t even remember a time Mary had raised her voice at Edwina or Kate. Mary took the disappointed route.

That was much worse. Her father used to shout at her and be done with it, Mary would sigh loudly, shake her head and eventually come out with, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”

So when there was something amiss or something she wanted to talk about, Mary would sigh, cast those pointed looks at Kate or Edwina until she eventually came out with what was on her mind when she had one of them cornered.

She had given Kate the talk when she was in the bath.

Like right now, when Kate was sitting in the living room distracted by ice cream and Edwina had gone to take a second shower because she was convinced she still stunk of pond water.

“Mary,” Kate started slowly, putting her spoon back into the ice cream tub. “I’m fine.”

“Kate, I worry you work too hard. You’ve always worked so hard and you know how incredibly proud I am of you,” Mary said, pausing to reach over to pat Kate’s hand. “I’m worried you’re not putting yourself out there more. I want you to enjoy your life.”

Kate felt something inside of her chest sting a little. She took a deep breath, trying not to let the anger bubbling inside of her takeover. Kate knew Mary was coming from a good place. She did. She wanted what was best for her. This wasn’t the first time she had been worried about Kate’s social life.

It was difficult sometimes, having a sister like Edwina. Kate hated herself for thinking it, she loved Ed more than anything in this world. Ed was her best friend.

It was just exhausting constantly being compared to her. Edwina had always flocks of friends throughout her entire life, whereas Kate had them, there just wasn’t many of them. It had been hard to keep up with her friends from school when she went to university. She had made lovely ones in university, but then they had all moved to different places when university ended. They chatted often and met up every few months, but it wasn’t the same as it had been when they’d seen each other everyday.

Then there was the boyfriends.

Well, boyfriend.

Kate had only introduced one boyfriend to Mary and Edwina. He had been the only guy she could introduce them to. Edwina had always had boyfriends or boys who wanted to be hers. Why wouldn’t they? She was beautiful and she was Edwina.

Kate was...Kate.

It was her only relationship in her twenty-nine years of (pitiful) existence. His name was Mark and they had dated for a year in university when Kate was twenty-one. They had broken up when university ended, Mark moved to Edinburgh and Kate to London. Long distance wasn’t something they were interested in. Breaking up had been the practical thing to do.

It still hurt, not because of him but because the one relationship she had ended because it was the practical thing to do.

She hadn’t dated on and off since then, but work got busier and busier and nothing ever was serious. Kate was better on her own. It was easier that way.

“I am enjoying my life,” Kate said, abandoning the ice cream entirely. She wasn’t in the mood anymore. “I work hard because I love my job and I want to be successful. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my life, Mary. Just because I’m not like Edwina doesn’t mean I’m not okay.”

Mary let out a deep sigh. This wasn’t the first time one of their conversations had led to this point. “That’s not what I meant, Kate. This has nothing to do with Edwina. This is you we’re talking about. When was the last time you went out with your friends? Or on a date?”

“Ah,” Kate said, everything clicking into place. It always came back to her non-existent dating life. “So this is an interrogation about my dating life.”

“Is it such a crime to be interested in my daughter’s life?” Mary’s tone sharpened slightly and Kate felt a tiny bit guilty. “Do you remember my friend Bernadette? She came into the cafe the other day. She has a lovely son your age who happens to be single.”

Kate’s head fell back, groaning loudly as the guilt she had been feeling quickly faded into stress. Not this again. “Mary. No.”

“Why not? He’s a solicitor! He’s very handsome,” Mary said, picking up her phone and glasses before tapping on the screen with her index finger slowly. “Bernadette showed me a picture. Here, look.”

“I don’t need my mother setting me up, that’s why!” Kate’s eyes flicked towards the door, praying Edwina would appear any moment to put this excruciating conversation to a stop. Well, actually Edwina would probably join in. Her family had a lot to say about her non-existence dating life. “My dating life is private and it’s going perfectly fine.”

“I would understand you not wanting to meet someone else,” Mary had a very suspicious look on her face and she looked slightly amused, tilting her chin up in the air with a small smirk. It made Kate uneasy. “I suppose, it would make sense. If there was something going on between you and Anthony Bridgerton.”

Kate gasped. Her head was still swirling from the events of the day and the fact that he had said I didn’t do it for them, Kate. She hadn’t been able to get him out of her mind since. “Mary! He’s my boss.”

“He’s also a man,” Mary replied quickly. “An attractive man that you have not stopped talking about since you started working there. A nice man. He’s also a man who ended up in a pond with you today and had you over for brunch.”

Kate spluttered, trying to find something comprehensive to say. What could she say? She wasn’t about to admit to her mother about the strange feelings she was having for her boss, a man she had actively loathed for so long it had become a hobby. “His mother invited us to stay for brunch. Believe me, he did not want me there.”

“Are you sure?”

Mary’s question lingered in the air.

The anxiety and uneasiness simmered in Kate’s stomach. It hadn’t left her since she had left the Bridgeton's. Well, since she arrived at the Bridgertons door covered in pond water and had brunch with his family. Since he walked her out and said those words. “I didn’t jump into that pond for Edwina or Newton, Kate.”

Was Kate sure?

She had absolutely no idea.

Kate didn’t know what to expect the following Monday morning at work.

She should have expected that she would spend her day arguing with Anthony Bridgerton.

Kate had woken up feeling uneasy. She felt nervous. She woke up at seven am, an uncomfortable feeling sitting in her stomach. It remained there as she showered, washing her hair with her fancy overpriced shampoo and conditioner that was only meant for special occasions.

Today wasn’t a special occasion. It was a Monday.

She blow dried her hair, putting a few extra minutes into styling her hair and straightening her usual curls. She even spent ten minutes torturing herself by putting on eyeliner. What was she doing? Why was she putting a significant amount of effort into how she looked? Why did it feel like she was compensating for something?

This wasn’t her.

It was just another normal day at work.

But it wasn’t.

Most of the people at work would have seen the article that came out over the weekend. Most of them, London really, read Whistledown. They would have seen the pictures of Kate and Anthony. They’d be presuming things. They would also be wondering what the hell was someone like Anthony Bridgerton doing with someone like Kate?

Men like Anthony Bridgerton didn’t go for women like Kate.

She didn’t need to be reminded of it.

Kate wanted to disappear. She didn’t want to go into work. She debated taking a sick day, which she hadn’t taken once willingly during her entire time working at Bridgerton & Family. Kate had been forced to leave work once after she fainted presenting during a meeting. It had been last summer during London’s heatwave and it was a day full of budget deadlines and presenting them to the board.

Kate had been working so hard in the last year to be eligible for a promotion. That finance manager role was hers.

Kate just needed to prove it.

She would have stayed presenting if it wasn’t for Anthony Bridgerton and his saviour complex.

Anthony had forced her to go home after she insisted she was fine, even going as far as calling Mary, who she had down as her emergency contact at work, to take her home. Kate couldn’t escape Mary’s clutches after that. Mary would have dragged her out of that office herself if she had to.

Mary had loved Anthony since then, of course.

Kate just found him more irritating.

Kate stood in front of her closet, glancing between her usual pant suits, tops and skirts and a few dresses she never really had the nerve to wear. A few of them had been gifts that Edwina had gotten for free from shows that didn’t fit her and some had been impulse buys Kate had loved but hadn’t worn yet.

She always managed to convince herself out of wearing them. It was too tight or she was too bloated or her arms looked strange. Her self-consciousness won every time. Edwina wouldn’t think twice about wearing what she wanted. Kate wanted to be the girl who wore what she wanted. She always went with the safer option, a simple shirt, top or skirt.

That wasn’t going to be today.

She needed a lot of nerve today. She picked out a long sleeved black ribbed dress she had bought on a whim a few weeks ago, that was tight around her waist and had a sweetheart neckline with a pair of black heels.

Kate kissed Newton goodbye and left her flat before she could change her mind. She kept her eyes glued to her phone as she arrived at work, checking her endless emails and calendar for the day as she got the elevator up to her floor and walked to her office. When she glanced around, she could hear their whispers and see people snapping their heads away from her, previously staring at her.

Deep breaths, Kate.

Thank god she had already texted Sophie to cancel her meetings for the morning.

She smiled at Sophie as she walked past her desk, relief filling her chest to see a friend. “Morning, Soph.”

“Good morning, Mrs. Bridgerton.”

Kate stopped dead in her tracks, turning to glare at her assistant, who was cackling behind her computer screen. “That’s not funny.”

Sophie leaned back in her chair, the smirk still plastered on her face as she looked Kate up and down. “You look hot.”

“Thank you.” Kate fiddled with the material of her dress, smoothening it out and breathing deeply out of her nose. She didn’t need to hide behind her coat and feel self-conscious. She was bloody Kate Sheffield.

Fuck what anybody else or some gossip column had to say.

She was hot. She was qualified. She was important. She could do this.

“Dressing up for anyone special?”

Kate’s confidence dissolved into annoyance as she narrowed her eyes at Sophie, shaking her head. “Is there something you’d like to say, Sophie?”

“I don’t think there’s anything I could say that Lady Whistledown already hasn’t implied.” Sophie said, the smirk spreading further across her face.

Kate scowled. “You’re a pain in the arse.”

“You love it. Oh, Good morning Mr. Bridgerton!”

Kate gasped, turning around so quickly her arm whacked Sophie’s stapler right off her desk and onto the floor. When the doorway was empty, she turned to glare at Sophie. Shit. She needed to relax. She would inevitably see him today-he owned the bloody company. Kate would just avoid him, and the meeting he would definitely be at, until she didn’t have a choice.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Sophie said, biting her lip to minimize her grin as she looked at her computer screen. “I’ll shut up now.”

Kate, desperate for Sophie’s cackling to end and a swift change of topic, remembered what happened at the gala. “Benedict Bridgerton asked me about you at the gala.”

That wiped the smirk off her face. “What?”

“He asked about you at the charity gala I went to with Edwina,” Kate said, sitting on the edge of her desk. “He seems interested. He couldn’t stop gawking at you in Anthony’s office and you couldn’t stop blushing.”

“I was not blushing,” Sophie murmured, avoiding Kate’s eyes as she tidied away some paperwork on her desk. “It wouldn’t work, anyway.”

Kate frowned, not expecting that answer from her friend, who was certainly making googly eyes back at Benedict. “Why not?”

Sophie smiled at her sweetly, also wanting to change the topic. “I think there’s only room for one romance with a Bridgerton out of the two of us.”

“That’s not funny,” Kate said dryly, knowing there wasn’t a chance she was telling Sophie about what happened at the park if this was the level of teasing she was getting from the article alone. “Or accurate-”

“Hello, Ladies.”

There was only one presence so unsettling, it made the hairs on Kate’s arm stand up and identical grimaces and frowns form on Sophie and Kate’s faces.

It belonged to a man that had enough grease in his hair than an English breakfast, a pungent stink that clung to your clothes when you were in his presence for more than five minutes and a yellowish tint to a chilling smile.

Nigel Berbrooke was the type of man women avoided at all costs.

That was difficult when you were stuck in the office next to his.

He stared down their tops and at their legs, had to touch their waists and arms every time he greeted them or moved past them, made comments about how surprising it was that there were so many women in the workplace considering their biological clocks were running out and regularly ranked them by attractiveness. The only reason he was here was because of good old nepotism and his father’s place on the company’s board.

He was a sexist, dimwitted, misogynistic pig.

Out of all the people her office had to get stuck beside, it had to be Nigel Berbrooke.

It was the very reason Kate knew someone out there was out to get her.

Their floor was covered in desks but for those who had their own offices, as small as hers may be, it was still an office and it was attached to another one. You shared an assistant with your neighbour. There were a good few offices on their floor, the larger ones detached and separate from the rest.

Kate knew it wasn’t under Anthony’s authority to relegate offices but she liked to blame him for it anyway.

It had been two years since Kate had gotten her promotion to finance manager and she had been given her own office. That’s when she met Sophie, the first assistant she’d ever had-who unfortunately, Kate had to share with Nigel Berbrooke. He had been promoted at the same time.

Kate had her eyes on that senior manager promotion that had been announced a few weeks ago and when she got it, she would be taking Sophie with her, far away from the unsettling presence of Nigel Berbrooke. They were both in the running for the promotion, both having the same management experience except Kate’s clientele and numbers were higher and better than Nigel's. She deserved it. There wasn’t a chance he was beating Kate.

That didn’t mean much. His father was involved in those types of decisions and he had a lot of influence on the board. Kate didn’t have anyone on the board vouching for her and the one person who could, Anthony, her boss-despised her.

“Kate,” He greeted, his beady eyes alarmingly wide as he leered at her. She had never hated the sound of her name more. “Are you not joining us for the meeting?”

Kate shook her head, silently exchanging an apology with Sophie who was doomed to walk across the floor with Nigel to the meeting room to take notes. “I have a client call.”

“Such a shame,” His patronizing tone as he clicked his tongue. “I do try to have my calls around meetings but we all can’t be as efficient as I am.” The bark of laughter that followed afterwards made Kate and Sophie simultaneously jump. “I suppose being organized it’s a man’s natural intuition, eh?”

Kate wasn’t in the mood. Clients didn’t want to talk to Nigel because he was, well, Nigel. “I’d hardly call you a man, Nigel.”

Sophie’s muffled snort was hard to disguise behind her hand. She wasn’t exactly trying, either. Nigel spent more time at her desk than his. Kate insisted Sophie spend as much time in her office as possible working and Kate spent any spare time with Sophie, keeping him away.

His false smile fell momentarily, staring at her in disbelief. He chose to laugh it off, “Oh, no need to be so sensitive, Kate. Did I catch you at that time of the month?”

“We better go, Mr. Berbrooke. It’s time for the team meeting.” Sophie interrupted swiftly, standing up and directing him in the direction of the meeting room before Kate committed murder on the fifth floor. Kate made a mental note to go to the bakery around the corner and grab them doughnuts for lunch.

Kate spent her morning sorting through her mountain of emails, calling a few clients, checking in on a few budgets and reviewing Anthony’s hotel proposal again. She was making edits to it, extreme edits-trying to find some type of compromise and solution.

Anthony.

When did she start calling him Anthony?

Well, she had always called him Anthony. It was his name. It had never felt right, it had always left a sour taste in her mouth. Now, it felt..normal. Right.

It shouldn’t.

The buzzer from Sophie knocked her out of her scrambled thoughts. “Kate. Violet Bridgerton is on the phone. She wants to know your dietary requirements for Kent?”

Kate’s stomach dropped, internally panicking. Kent? It took her a few seconds to remember. That party Violet had mentioned. At their family house. In Kent. Bloody hell, there were too many Bridgertons to avoid before 11am. She pressed “Please tell her I’m sorry and I’m in a meeting. I’ll call her back as soon as I can but it’s unlikely I’ll be able to make Kent. Thanks Soph.”

Kate banged her head against the desk, groaning loudly. This time, a beep from her computer made her lift her head off her desk.

Her chat popped up.

Anthony Bridgerton: Why weren’t you at the meeting?

Her heart stopped then began beating rapidly, echoing in her ears. Kate sat up straighter, her fingers lingering over her keyboard as she thought of a reply. He had never messaged her, he had emailed-usually to complain or with a snotty message-but he had never chatted with her before.

Kate Sheffield:Good morning to you too, Mr. Bridgerton.

Anthony Bridgerton:Anthony.

Anthony Bridgerton: Good morning.

Kate Sheffield: Something came up, I had to make a few calls. Did you not get my message?

Anthony Bridgerton: I did.

Kate: Sophie ran through the minutes with me and everything seemed to be in order. Was there something you needed?

“Kate?” Sophie's voice rang through the intercom, snapping Kate out of her intense staring competition with her computer screen as she watched the three dots beside his name bounce up and down, waiting for his reply.

“Yeah Soph?”

“You’re wanted in HR.”

Kate felt her stomach drop. Not today. Please, not today. "Oh god. Is it-"

"Yup. Agatha Danbury."

Someone was truly out to get her. "Bloody hell."

Nothing good came from a meeting with Agatha Danbury. The famous head of Human Resources who knew everything about everyone and it usually wasn’t good.

Kate admired her but she was equally terrified of her. “Did she say why?”

“No but she asked if you could come down now. Well, asked is putting it lightly. More like demanded.”

Sophie saluted her as Kate stepped out of her office and made her way to the lift, stepping into it, clicking the button for the second floor.

“Hold it.” A voice shouted, Kate quickly holding her hand out to stop the doors from closing and gulped when she realized seconds later who it was, coming face to face with Anthony Bridgerton.

“Kate.”

Kate visibly gulped, quickly breaking their uncomfortable eye contact and pressing the close the doors button. “Mr. Bridgerton.”

They stood in silence for a few seconds, Kate focused on the floor numbers slowly falling to the correct floor. He looked good today. His black suit didn’t have a wrinkle in sight, neatly fitting him but it wasn’t too tight, it was just the perfect fit to show the outline of his muscular arms without straining the fabric.

Stop thinking about his arms, Kate.

“How are you?” His deep voice, still waking up from the slight croak in his voice, snapped her out of her thoughts.

This was so awkward. She could feel her palms beginning to sweat, the clamminess making her silver ring slip up and down her index finger. “I’m...good, thank you. How are you?”

“Good, thank you.” It was so polite, so robotic, so unlike them.

Kate chose not to respond, choosing awkward silence over whatever this conversation was. It was barely a conversation, more an exchange of plastic, uncomfortable words as the events of the weekend and his

Anthony, regrettably, chose to open his mouth.

“You look different.”

Kate snapped her head to look at him. “What?”

“It’s your hair,” He said, moving his head up and down, his expression unreadable as he inspected her straightened hair, different from her usual bushy curls. “I liked your hair before.”

Now they were back to normal. Kate felt the familiar rage fill her body, the tension making her neck sore and shoulders heavy. “I don’t remember asking.”

He let out a harsh breath, shaking his head slightly as a flash of regret washed across his face. “I didn’t mean-“

The doors opened and Kate practically jumped out of them, not hearing the end of his sentence as she made her way towards the head of Human Resources office, Miss Agatha Danbury.

Kate checked in with her secretary, who informed Agatha Kate was waiting for her. The anxiety brewed in her stomach, making her feel nauseous and she felt so uncomfortable. It felt like her dress was clinging to her and she couldn’t stop fiddling with her hair.

The last person she wanted to see appeared beside her, checking in with Miss Danbury’s secretary, who blushed as Anthony spoke. He looked apprehensive as he approached Kate, a guilty look on his face. “I have a meeting with Danbury.”

Kate frowned, the anxiety in her stomach warping into pure nausea as reality set in. “So do I.”

“Ah” Agatha Danbury said, holding her arms out as she smirked at the pair of them. “If it isn’t the couple of the hour. Please, come in.”

Kate shot a look of alarm at Anthony, who didn’t look phased in the slightest. His calmness only provoked Kate more. They stepped into her office, closing the door behind them as they took a seat in front of her desk.

“Miss Danbury.”

“Anthony, Kate,” Her smirk only widened as she spoke, twirling a pen in her hand on her desk. “I’m sure we’re on a first name basis at this point in our careers.”

“I hoped I’d see more of you two after the charity run incident last year,” Miss Danbury said, her eyes lighting up with amusement as she recalled the events of last year. “That was quite entertaining.”

They had spent the entire run trying to beat each other.

Kate crossed her arms. “Not because of me.”

Anthony scoffed, shaking his head. “You pushed me!”

“You deliberately cut me off-“

This time, he actually snorted. “I’m faster and you’re a sore loser.”

Kate gasped. “I only lost because you cheated-“

Miss Danbury swiftly interrupted their conversation, knowing if she didn’t they could go on arguing forever. “I’m sure you know why you’re here.”

Kate shook her head.

“I have to say, I’m not surprised. I always thought there was something more going on here. But rules are rules.”

They stared blankly at her. Miss Danbury frowned slightly, staring at the two of them with a slightly frustrated look. Her message wasn’t clicking. “One of the requirements of being in a relationship is disclosing it.”

Kate looked at her horrified, the ball finally dropping.

Anthony snickered under his breath.

“There is absolutely not-”

“Agatha,” Anthony said sweetly, in a tone so polite it made Kate’s skin crawl. He certainly didn’t reserve it for her. “Could I speak to Kate alone for a second? If you would be so kind.”

He didn’t fool Miss Danbury, who smirked before nodding her head slowly, making her way towards the door. “Of course. I’ll check in with my assistant.”

Kate had no doubt she would be listening in through the intercom.

“What?” Kate hissed, glancing back at the door and back to glare at him.

Anthony, who was thinking exactly like Kate, covered the intercom with his hand as soon as Miss Danbury clicked the door shut. “This could be good for us.”

Kate stared blankly at him. “There is no us.”

“Obviously,” Anthony said dryly, letting out a deep sigh before turning back to her. “But no one else needs to know that.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“When am I not?”

How was she the only one with sense in this situation? “You’re my boss. This is highly inappropriate.”

“Nothing about our relationship is appropriate, Kate.”

He had a point but she wasn’t bloody well going to give him it. “There is no relationship!”

“To us, yes.” Anthony pressed, his frustration showing in his wrinkled forehead and pressed lips. “It looks like one to everyone else. We could make this work. To our advantage.”

“We are in human resources,” Kate said, refusing to listen to anything he was saying. He had officially lost it. There was no possible advantage to a pretend relationship, or whatever he was suggesting, with him. “I could report you.”

“You could,” Anthony said, his voice dangerously low as he spoke. It sent chills down Kate’s spine and they weren’t the bad kind. “But you won’t, will you?”

She hated how right he was. Of course she wouldn't. Kate finally took the bait. “What is in this for you?”

“My publicist, mother and I don’t see eye to eye on how my reputation has been perceived, lately. I need to do some reparations for my reputation. I also need someone to distract my mother from trying to set me up with every bloody woman she meets.” He looked Kate up and down, nodding his head as if he had made some decision. “You’re a good fit.”

“Well,” Kate said, scoffing slightly in disbelief. “That’s a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard one. Why would I ever want people to think I’m dating you?”

That caught his full attention, sitting up straighter and frowning. “Why wouldn’t you want to date me?” He actually looked offended.

Good.

Kate glanced at the white clock on the wall and back at him. “How long do we have? This might take a while.”

He wasn’t the slightest bit amused as he glared at her, shaking his head. “It would just be for a while. An easy façade. A few appearances. Mainly during my family’s party in Kent. There must be something that you want.”

There was.

No. She couldn’t possibly be entertaining something so insane. That was a dangerous game to play, not to mention an absolutely insane one-this wasn’t some romantic comedy that had a happy ending. This was Anthony Bridgerton. Her boss. People were already talking. Mary would be pleased, so would Edwina. For some reason, they both actually seemed to like him. Kate wouldn’t be seen to be alone, no matter how alone she felt. No. No. It was crazy. It was absolutely crazy to even debate it.

But.

But-

The opportunity was right there in front of her. She just had to grab it. What did she have to lose? “I want that senior manager promotion.”

She put her hand up before he could speak, and surprisingly, he let her finish. “Nigel Berbrooke is an incompetent idiot whose father is on the board and will get him that promotion. I’m smarter and more qualified. You know that. Everyone knows that. My numbers and clientele are higher. It’s the only opportunity open for the next five years and I deserve it.” Nigel Berbrooke could not be her boss. She’d rather quit.

Anthony stared at her, slightly suspiciously as her words sunk in. “I can’t guarantee that.”

She was already standing up. “Then we have nothing more to discuss.”

He relented quite quickly. “Fine! Fine. I’ll handle it.”

She was taking any “I also want Sophie exclusively as my assistant and a higher salary for her.”

“Any more requests?” It was definitely rhetorical but Kate didn’t really care at this point. It was so ludicrous, this fake facade she was signing up to-she might as well get the most out of it. People already thought they were dating, they already had their own opinions on who Kate was. She would let them. At least this way, she was getting something out of it, knowing she actually deserved it. As painful as the process of getting it may be.

“An office as far away from Nigel Berbrooke as possible.”

He extended his hand towards her, nodding hastily. No one could blame her on that request. “Do we have a deal?”

“We do.”

They shook hands and just like that, Kate had sealed her fate.

“You know,” Anthony said, clapping his hands slightly as if he had finished signing a business deal. That’s what it was to him, some twisted agreement that she had no idea how would play out. Could she really lie to her family? Her friends? “A lot of people would be happy to be seen dating London’s eligible bachelor.”

Kate rolled her eyes, before turning to smirk sweetly at him. It was easier to pretend she was amused and ignore the sickening feeling in her stomach. “I wouldn’t, though. I’d be dating you.”

“Do you save this wit exclusively for me?” He asked, giving her

This time, her smile was slightly genuine. Only slightly. “Always.”

He turned completely around in his chair, properly looking at her. Under his gaze, she felt uneasy. Exposed. “Come on, Kate. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Famous last words.

[excitedlysuffering]

Neji Headcanons Collection

Requested from my wattpad account

For everyone who has requested, I’m slowly getting through them, but I’ve been busy and exhausted lately so it’s taking longer than I wanted it to, I’m sorry!

What He Looks For In An S/O~

• Neji is a pretty stoic, introverted guy, so he’d need someone who was more on the introverted side as well. However, he would love an S/O who could bring him out of his shell a little

• He definitely seems like someone who would prefer to date a fellow shinobi so he didn’t have to worry about them and since they most likely aren’t apart of the Hyuga clan, them being a ninja would help his clan be a little more approving

• He needs a PATIENT S/O

• Neji is new to relationships and someone who understands that and wouldn’t rush him would be ideal

• Although Naruto changed Neji for the best, he can still be a little insensitive sometimes, so a partner who has a thick skin is important

• Neji hates small talk with a passion, so he would look for someone who could hold intellectual conversations or who didn’t mind silence

• As an introvert, Neji is something of a homebody, but make no mistake; this boy is always training so you’d best be ready for rigorous training being a regular past time

• COMMUNICATION is key in a relationship with him

• As smart as Neji is, he does not have the aptitude or patience to deal with mixed signals, so just talk to him, please

Relationship With Neji Stuff~

• Neji isn’t clingy by any means, but you’re his girlfriend and he expects to see you often, and will easily become concerned or upset if his partner starts to seem distant

• Trust is the most important thing to him, if he’s dating you he clearly trusts you A LOT, and it will upset him if he notices you don’t trust him as much

• Your relationship will most likely be lowkey, in public at least, but that’s not because he’s ashamed, he’s just an incredibly private person

• Although Neji will enjoy sparring with you, he will also be up to other ideas for dates

• He loves taking walks with you, whether it’s after dark, before average people are awake, or in the middle of the day

• He’s the kind of person to have a certain amount of time set aside for you, whether you spend it out and about, or inside, he won’t interrupt that time unless it’s unavoidable

• He’s very good at picking up your moods and such things, but he doesn’t always know what to do about them, so he’ll help you in ways he knows how tea and training

• He has a great memory. Whether it’s certain dates, the timing of your week, or little things he’s noticed about you; you can trust he won’t easily forget it

• PDA embarrasses him, but he will allow hand-holding and the occasional cheek kiss

• He takes so much pride in his hair, he won’t allow you to touch it until way later in your relationship, but once he does… he’d rather die than admit, so sometimes he’ll wordless put his head in your lap and scowl until you take the hint

• Neji doesn’t just date around, he’s looking for something serious, so if he realizes that you’re not what he’s looking for in a wife he will immediately (and respectfully) end it

How To Lose/Annoy Him~

• Generally, Neji is a very forgiving person since he’s needed to be forgiven many times, but there are some things he won’t tolerate; cheating, slander, and genuine disrespect

• An S/O being rude to someone for no reason would turn him off

• He really can’t stand gossipers and busybodies so if you want to lose him, go off I guess

• Laziness is a major thing for him. He can understand being tired of at your limit, but he really can’t handle his S/O just lazing around for a long time

• Immaturity is a big no-no. Neji comes from a clan who only recognizes maturity and formalities so he would be uncomfortable with an overly childish S/O

• Selfishness or being chronically inconsiderate can and will make him angry

• He won’t even entertain someone with bad hygiene like he really doesn’t understand how someone could be okay with not being clean?

• Incessant complaining and whining will grate on his nerves like anything else

• Not respecting his boundaries, even if you don’t understand them, will have him running for the hills before you could even say ‘Byakugan’

Soft Neji Things~

• Neji isn’t one for constant affection, but once he realizes how much he enjoys the lotus position (you sit in his lap, facing him, legs around his waist) it’ll be a regular occurrence. Whether he’s reading or just savoring your presence you’d better get used to it

• He loves to read and sometimes if you ask beg he’ll read to you and he has the smoothest most ASMR voice ever??

• He actually enjoys shopping with you because he loves helping you choose (and he likes to spoil you)

• I strongly believe that Neji plays an instrument (piano, flute or violin) and sometimes he’ll play for you

• If he’s had a really bad nightmare or his family is stressing him out, don’t be surprised if he climbs in your bed at a random hour of the night

• Locked doors or windows have never stopped this boy, so you’d best expect him to just walk in like he owns the place

• Considerate to the max, he’s always thinking about you and doing small things for you

• You actually bring out a new side to him, he’s more playful and free around you

Random Neji Facts~

• Neji made it into a game without your knowledge to see how many times he can scare you by just waltzing into your house

• He’s incredibly competitive, so the second you mention being the best at something, even in jest, prepare to have to prove it in competition

• His love language is in between quality time and acts of service

• He doesn’t really expect gifts or anything, so if you really want to see him light up, get him a little ‘I’m thinking about you’ gift

• Neji likes to journal, he likes to write down little things about his day, or ideas or even quotes that he heard and liked

• He really enjoys domestic activities because he didn’t really think he’d be able to find anyone to do that with

• He loves receiving and writing letters, it’s intimate and it’s special and he’ll keep everyone you send him

• Neji has a love/hate relationship with his hair; he’s very proud of it, but he hates all the extra work that goes into taking care of it

• He always carries extra scrunchies/rubberbands on missions in case his hair gets loose

• He gets sunburns so easily, he’ll always have sunscreen during the hottest months

Little Things~

Favorite:

• Place to kiss- Your wrist pulse point; it’s intimate and it feels so natural for him, especially when he’s holding your hand

• Way to hug- He loves to place a hand on the back of your head and one on your back; he loves the feeling of being so close to you

• Things to do with you- He loves doing small things with you; reading, drinking tea, or cuddling

• Cuddle position- When he’s not busy, he loves to lay back on the couch with you on top

• Type of date- Lowkey ones, maybe a stroll through the park, or going to a nice little cafe/restaurant

This or That-

• He enjoys spring the most, he loves seeing all the new life after a long winter

• He’s a hardcore morning person, he lives to be productive and the day won’t wait for him to ‘get in the mood’

• He’s a good cook, but as I’ve mentioned, his love language is acts of service so you cooking for him means a lot to him every time

• Loves to read, either on his own or with you and his favorite genres are classics and nonfiction

Conflict Happenings~

• He has a very sharp tongue, but he really hates arguing with you and will try to avoid that for as long as possible

• However, if something needs to be addressed, he will not hesitate

• Would prefer to have a calm, rational, debate, so if either of you loses your cool, don’t be surprised if he just up and leaves

• However, if you say something that crosses the line… God/Pein/Jashin/Kami have mercy on you, this boy will go off

• After the fight is over, he’ll need space to calm down, but once he is, apologies and makeups are quick and sincere

• He refuses to fight over small insignificant things, he finds it beneath him

• He will listen, though, because if something is bothering you, that’s valid to him

• Don’t push him or test his limits, it’ll make him uneasy and feel like he can’t trust you, which can lead to your relationship self destructing

• After fights, whether big or small, he needs some good ol’ fashioned cuddles (you both do honestly)

• He’s a firm believer in not going to bed angry, so even if you’re still upset, he’ll do everything in his power to get rid of his own irritation

• It’s hard to hurt his feelings, but if you do he’s cut deeply, so watch what you say

Modern Neji~

• OMG this boy is one of those people that are always smartly dressed and no one can change my mind

• He’s not a teacher’s pet, per se, but he’s very polite and is always doing his best

• He’s one of those gym obsessed people, but very lowkey about it

• I could definitely see him into fencing and/or martial arts

• He’s the kind of person to only hang out with his closest friends because he feels most comfortable with them

• Most people would know he was from the esteemed Hyuga family, but no one would really process it because he’s not overly flashy and doesn’t really mention it

• He’s still pretty antisocial but after Naruto pretty much shoved his way into his life he started to open up

• Has so many fangirls and is always being asked on dates but is so confused, like why do these strangers always follow him? And who are these gifts from??

• I can really see a turf war between Neji’s fangirls and Sasuke’s fangirls over who’s better

• He most likely majors in business and finance to inherit the Hyuga company or at least have a fundamental role in it

• I think he’d like a roommate, especially if he lives off-campus

• I could see him living with someone like him so he’s not constantly overwhelmed by someone with Naruto’s personality

• Neji is always the model student and I could see him tutoring a few people (begrudgingly, of course)

• He’s always doing his best, but it might not seem like it? Neji is very good at retaining information, so the only time you’ll catch him really studying is if he knows he has trouble in that area

• His living space is meticulously clean and probably kinda bare

• He doesn’t really feel the need to decorate because it’s temporary, but if his roommate wants to he won’t care

• Neji is not a partier, but if his friends drag him to one he might stay for a while

• He’s such a lightweight and he might find himself drunk quicker than he thought possible

• Doesn’t have much of a hangover besides waking up disoriented and dizzy

• I love Neji honestly

Masterlist

[loverofpiggies]

I love when you get questions about more business things like how you have stock during cons. It's just so impressive to hear about how everything works.

:D!! Honestly?? I love it too!There is a LOT of background stuff that goes on, when you make conventions and art into a full time business. Most of the things I’ve learned sorta took about 3 years to actually settle into something reasonable.

A couple extra things you might find interesting:

-I have a google drive spreadsheet including all my charms. Whenever a certain charm gets under about 8 left in stock, that section of the spreadsheet lights up to let me know I need to restock. I have similar spreadsheets for my pencil bags, stickers, and my newer posters.

-I won’t show anything too personal involving stuff, but I will show you a print out spreadsheet I use at the cons themselves. This was from a very small local 18+ con in Denver. When something sells, I check it off this sheet. After the convention is done, I go into my digital spreadsheet and add them up, so I’m always on top of how much I have.

(Don’t let the sales of Eeveelutions fool you, those were clearance misprint designs so they were way cheaper than everything else here)

-As you can probably guess by now, my keychains are my biggest focus, and with over 120 designs, they’re the hardest to keep track of. I also have over 4000 keychains in my bedroom as I’m typing right now. Save me.

Anyway, this is how I have them organized in my closet:

This is how I have things set up. All my pencil bags, keychains, and a few of my books are stocked in here.

All the little white tabs on top, are taped on. They are whiteboard paper, and everything is written in sharpie. Good news, if you ever want to get sharpie off of something, you just use whiteboard marker on top of it, then wipe! So I can change these as needed.

The boxes by the way, are all little photoboxes you can get at Micheals or Hobby Lobby. Currently, I own probably about 200 of these boxes.

-On that same spreadsheet program, I have tabs that list all the conventions I’m currently applying to (I have attempted to apply to 60+ shows around the united states, Alaska and Hawaii) and how i have to apply. Some shows require you to follow them on twitter to see when its announced, it’s the only reason I have twitter on my phone at all, and the kinder shows just send out emails. Some do neither, for…. some reason I can’t explain- and you just have to check their website. Those shows? Psh, I ain’t got time for that.

When you have 200+ designs, across keychains, pencil bags, posters, stickers, ect ect, and you have to keep track of them all? This is how you do it. At least, this is how I do it. Saves me a LOT of headache, and gives me free time I need for when I’m stressin.

The only way to do this as full time work, is to be excessively organized. Also, you have to seriously plan ahead. For example, I make virtually zero money in the months of November, December, February, and July.  I do make some money on patreon of course! But patreon has become a secondary income, and I try to pretend it ‘doesnt exist’ when I’m setting up my finances. Back when patreon was my primary income, I actually used to have panic attacks at the beginning of each month, because I never knew how much I’d have that month to live off of. Running my own business like this, takes all that stress away, because I have more control over my monthly income. So at a really good show, I’ll take a good chunk of cash, and set it aside for the tough months, so I can essentially survive the winter. I’m constantly thinking months ahead with my planning, so when those months hit, I won’t have any major panics. Those months are still really tough, but they aren’t disastrous.

I laugh at anyone who thinks people who do this sorta thing full time don’t actually work. Because obviously, this all ignores all the art I draw, keeping updates on Gloomverse going, ect ect.

[kuroosdumbslut]

Kaminari, Sero, Bakugou, and Kirishima with an s/o who had to drop out of college

~Aged up~ One hundred percent self indulgent due to the fact i dropped out of college for my own mental health

Kaminari:

Ok so Kaminari is actually the one to being it up first, and for good reason

While he’s already secured a job as a pro hero, you decided to go to college! at the time, it was the logical choice in your mind, but then denki was coming home to you in tears, or very close to tears, due to your class load

obviously the state of the world didn't help with your stress levels and he was so concerned for you

the last straw was when you had a full mental breakdown and just spewed everything weighing down on you, and it broke his heart to see you in such emotional pain

“Baby, sweetheart, you don’t have to go to college. Obviously I’m not going to force you to quit or anything but you're in so much distress...I make enough for like 5 of us, babydoll, if finances are weighing down on your mind!”

he's very sweet, but he's gonna ramble a little, trying his best to calm you down and comfort you at the same time

when you do finally make the decision to drop out, the moment you pressed the withdrawal button, it felt like a ton of weight just disintegrated off of you

kaminari was glad to see you not as stressed almost as soon as you finalized everything

“there you go, baby... always choose your health and happiness over everything, okay?”

he's really encouraging to you and will gladly give you love and affection when you get down and berate yourself for dropping out

Sero:

sero was pretty perspective of how you were feeling, and he could sense that you had an unhealthy amount of stress built up

he wanted to talk to you about possibly cutting back on classes or seeing if he could help you in some way, but it was a bit to late

he had been relaxing on the couch after work, you were in your office getting work done for your classes, but sero was up in a split second when he heard you scream in frustration and then sob

he ran in your office to find you balled up and sobbing, textbooks and note pages strewn all across the room

“Mi amour, come here baby, come here...” he held you close and let you cry into his shirt as he gently rubbed your back 

“it’s so frustrating!! I can’t figure it out and I’m so overwhelmed the entire time I’m doing work... I hate it, I fucking hate school...” 

it hurt him to see how much school broke you down, but he just sat with you and listened to you rant

“Sero...would you be mad at me if I dropped out? Maybe not forever but for right now?” sero straightened up and pulled yu even closer, pressing a flurry of kisses all over your face and the top of your head

“My love, I’d never get upset at you for that... hell, I don’t blame you for wanting to drop out. I mean, I just went straight out of U.A. and into pro hero work. If you need to, then just drop out. You gotta put yourself first!”

he was right there with you when you withdrew and dropped out too, holding your hand when you started getting shaky and second guessing yourself and was there cuddling you when you decided to take a nap 

if you decide to get a part time job? he’s supportive. you want to take some time off from doing anything and just exist for a bit? he’s supportive. 

he just wants you to be as happy as possibly <3

Bakugou:

bakugou first notices how stressed you were by the way you were constantly putting homework and classwork before anything else

“I’ll get food later, I have to get this thing in...” “I’ll come to bed in a bit, I have to do this paper...”

He knew you were working hard to just power through this semester, but he could see how much you were neglecting yourself and never giving yourself time to relax... and he could tell you were close to your breaking point

He’s gonna sit down and talk with you before you have a full breakdown

“Hey, babe, I need you for a second.” if you don’t come to him right away, he’s gonna carry you away from your work station and make you sit with him on the couch

“You’re overworking yourself, dumbass. You hardly do anything except school work. Are you okay?” While he knew you were extremely stressed, he didn’t expect you to start tearing up

bakugou frowned, brows pulled together in concern as he scooted closer to you and held you to him. you were shaking, seemingly trying to hold back from fully sobbing

“Hey...baby, look at me...” bakugou, with uncharacteristic gentleness, tilted your head up to look at him and his heart clenched at how sad and exhausted you looked. eyebags, bloodshot eyes from both crying and staring at a screen all day...

“i-i don’t think I can keep up going to school right now...I’m so overwhelmed, Katsuki...” you were quiet, nearly whispering it, but bakugou heard you

“then take some time off...clearly this isn’t working for you. you can’t run yourself into the ground, dumbass. and you aren’t weak for quitting for right now, you’re putting your health first...”

he’s a little awkward and doesn’t exactly know what words to use to reassure you, but it helps regardless

he can see how much stress was released when you finally dropped out and was lowkey heartbroken that you were holding that much stress over school

Kirishima:

he loves you so much, but theres a chance he doesn’t immediately notice your stress due to him trying to go above and beyond at work

he had come home pretty late, probably around 2am. patrol ran late that night and he fully expected you to be fast asleep, so he was surprised to hear you call out to greet him

“welcome home Eiji! I’m in the office!!”

kirishima wandered into the home office and found you attempting to finish an essay. youre eyes were bloodshot and you looked absolutely exhausted

“pebble, you’re up pretty late...maybe you should stop for the night and come to bed with me” he watched as your eyes widened

you frantically explained how much work you had due and how you didn’t have time to take a break, you had to get it in now! you explained the amount of work the professors had assigned and how they were expecting more just because its all online for now

kirishima agreed with you that it was way too much work, picking you up in his arms and carrying you to the bedroom to get you away from the thing thats stressing you out the most

once in the room, you finally broke out in tears. “Eiji, im so exhausted... I just wanna drop out and not deal with it right now, im just getting depressed-”

kirishima wrapped you up in a tight hug, giving you small kisses all over your face “then just drop out for now... you shouldnt be forcing yourself to power through school while youre clearly not mentally okay right now.”

you teared up more but nodded, holding him tightly as you fell asleep with him

the next day you officially dropped out and kirishima could visibily see you let go of stress, slumping in your chair with watery eyes

he knew you would be hard on yourself, but he was glad you admitted that it was too much and decided to take a break from schooling, and he’d be there for you when you tried to beat yourself up over “giving up”

in turn, kirishima also cut back how much extra he was doing as well 😌 he became more aware of both your stress and his own

[lunaleetarot]

Aries 2021 Year Ahead Birthday Spread

Starting from the top clockwise, theme in the middle.

March 2021- King of Wands

This March you will accomplish something within your hobby or a passionate interest. If this doesn’t resonate with you, it could be an important male figure like your father, father-figure or husband. This is a card of pure passion. The King of Wands becomes consumed by the things he wants. You're ready to dive in and excited to learn about the process of achieving your pursuits. There will be a lot of confidence. You will want to be center stage. You’ll have good ideas and want to take charge of others. Now is the time to shake things up, while you're on the cutting edge. You're certain of your convictions and will fight for them until the end. Be careful not to become too dictatorial. The world isn’t black and white. You may be dealing with someone born on the Cancer-Leo Cusp (July 19-25) 2. April 2021- Three of Pentacles

In April you will begin a period of self-development. You will put the talents and skills you were born with to good use. This could mean furthering your education, taking up an apprenticeship or working on your craft. I feel this is likely what you were passionate about last month. This will be something you have natural talent in, so your efforts won’t go unnoticed. This training will pay off in the end. This learning is the start of your journey, not the end. Push yourself during this time. Beware of arrogance, no matter how talented we are at something, we could always fine tune our craft. You may be dealing with someone born on Capricorn second decan (January 3-9)

3. May 2021- Two of Cups

As May flowers bloom, true love will be coming into your life. You receive positive interactions in your life. Your intimate relationship will be on your mind, and if single you will likely meet an interesting person this month. This person has soulmate potential. Even if it isn’t true for your love life, this card means two people sharing close bonds. So it could be a new friend who will become a best friend to you. If you're trying to conceive this card can symbolize twins, but this won’t be true for most of you.

4. June 2021- Five of Wands

Competitions are ahead for you in June. A rivalry will present itself during this time. This may be a friendly competitiveness, not of a very serious nature. This is a sportsmanship card. Other times, these battles can be more harmful. I feel for most of you this will not be a very serious situation. Likely something to do with you honing your craft mentioned above. With this tension you will be presented with an opportunity to prove yourself. Will you sink or swim, Aries? You may be dealing with a Leo here.

5.July 2021- The Empress

This is a card of creation or pregnancy. There’s no denying this card means literal conception. This could be your child or someone close to you like your sister or a friend. If you're in a loving relationship, this will likely lead to a pregnancy of your own. However if a baby is unlikely or impossible, this can also mean an abundant outcome. You could “birth” a new idea or concept. Dark thoughts may be coming out of a dark cave and out into the open. Finances for this month will improve. Try to relax a little and have fun during this hazy summer period.

6.August 2021- Ace of Wands

You’ll be creating something that will have a huge impact this month. This could be a life changing event like a new job or a child. I feel with the Empress above you may get news of a pregnancy, but this won’t be true for all of you. You’ll be enthusiastic about your career opportunities and hobbies if a baby isn’t in store for you. If this is a pregnancy for you, it’s likely this will be a male baby. If this is about a new opportunity be careful not to abandon the project once it isn’t fun anymore.

7. September 2021- Knight of Pentacles

Patience will be needed as summer turns into autumn. This is the slowest moving card of the tarot. I feel like most Aries are the type of people who want everything done yesterday. This card is telling you that you're going to have to slow down and wait. Don’t jump ship on a project because the results aren’t instant. If you stick to it the hard work will pay off. There will likely be an increase in responsibility. It’s likely you will have to take on more burdens at work or home. You may be dealing with someone on the Leo-Virgo cusp (August 19-25).

8. October 2021- Three of Swords

In October, you may be facing some heartache. This Halloween will be an emotionally painful time for you. Your relationship may be falling apart, or something else along those lines. To make matters worse, others will be involved as well. This will be a period of sadness. This card is often a warning of a breakup or divorce. However this could be a temporary break or separation for some of you. This could be due to infidelity. Or some instead of out right cheating, someone new may come along in you or your partner's life that makes you question your relationship. If your relationship is rock solid or your single, someone close to you may start to pull away from you- leaving you feeling betrayed. This is also a card of miscarriage or infertility but that won’t be true for most of you. You may be dealing with a Libra here.

9. November 2021- King of Swords

Logical thinking will be your main concern this November. You will use your brain to get one over on your enemies. Not only will you be quick-witted and sharp, you will likely hold a position of great responsibility. You will be able to hold your own in any argument or debate. A plus with Thanksgiving family dinner around the corner. However court cards can represent other people in your life, so someone else in your life may fit this description. This person may help or hinder a situation you’re in. This person may be harshly judging you. This person is likely a man- and is watching you with great interest. If this doesn’t represent another person it could be a sign you have to separate yourself from your feelings. You must think with your head instead of your heart. You may be dealing with someone born on the Capricorn-Aquarius cusp (January 17-January 22).

10. December 2021- Ace of Cups

Pure and innocent love is coming to you in December. This card usually makes an appearance at the beginning of a relationship. However this card also represents child birth and pregnancy. You will likely have a new beginning after some sort of tragic ending. This card also has to do with food and drink, so you may be going out on a lot of dinner dates with friends or a special someone. This holiday season should be a merry one for you, Aries.

11. January 2022- Seven of Swords

During the new year, someone in your life or yourself may be up to no good. Someone will be spending their time planning drama or conflict. You may have surrounded yourself with people who are not loyal to you. These are people you think are your friend, but they will throw you under the bus the first chance they get. They want something you have and are willing to hurt you to get it. This card can also mean you will get the blame for something you didn’t do. You may try to get away with something that you know you shouldn’t be doing. This can be an affair, scandal or even breaking the law. Lastly, you could be involved in a situation where you tell yourself that everything is fine, but deep down you know you're unhappy. Your self deception will begin to affect you emotionally. You may be dealing with someone born on the Aquarius third decan (February 8-15).

12. February 2022- Ace of Swords

As we move into February, you will get to the source of trouble in your life. This can represent the start of a conflict. You may find out where drama has started in your life. However since we're dealing with an ace here, you will have the opportunity to turn things around. This is an extreme card. You will either experience great love or great hate. Hopefully it’s love with Valentine’s day around the corner. You’ll have extra stamina this month to get tasks done that are needed. Be careful of health treatments or accidents that involve knives or scalpels. Accidents, surgeries or dentists and c-sections are all possible with this card. A situation will progress very quickly at this time.

13. Theme of the Year- Ten of Wands

Burdens are the main theme of this card, and I feel it will be for your year ahead too. You will have to work hard this year, you will have to put in a lot more effort than you ever had to previously. You will be faced with the choice. Are you going to pull up your sleeves and get to work or give up? This card isn’t telling you to go either way- it only serves as a warning. In this case, you have a challenging year ahead Aries. You’ll have a lot on your plate. You may be juggling work, family and your home life. You go to bed at night thinking of all the work ahead of you the next day. Make sure you are finding time to take care of yourself. Stress related illnesses could crop up out of nowhere. I often see this card associated with new parents, Since so many pregnancy cards were pulled in this reading, it’s very likely this could be part of your year. Parenthood is hard and it’s likely you haven’t taken to it as well as you thought you would have. You may also be trying to get a business plan off the ground. It feels as though your pushing and pushing with no end in sight. There is hope to be found in whatever situation you find yourself in this year, you’re struggling now, so you will be cozy later. During the hard times, remind yourself what you're working towards. You may receive help from your mother or a friend. Friends and family may give you some hard truths about your love life and you may want to heed their advice. If you receive work advice from a co-worker in an area you're struggling in, take it to heart. Don’t be afraid to seek advice from multiple people you trust. Fortune is on your side, but you're going to have to work your tail off to get it!

[gerinurse]

Sunday self reflections.....

I got past the overall exhausted feeling that has plagued me all week and realized that today I have the attention span of a fruit flie. I decided to sit with a cup of tea and just watch the birds and squirrels while thinking today. Self reflection often leads me to I treating conclusions about myself and today was no different.

I realized that my lack of attention span is not new. It has been going on for weeks and is due to increased anxiety and stress. I am not sleeping well, have horrible TMJ pain and migraines which is not healthy. I need to speak with my doctor about some medication refills so perhaps a temporary increase in my antidepressant is in order. I know thati need some time away from work. I had 2 weeks off at the end of the month which has now been reduced to one. Even that is debatable at this point but we will see how it goes.

I have not been taking care of myself mentally or physically. Workouts are sporadic if at all and food intake just happens when and if it happens. Sometimes I don’t eat lunch until 2pm when at work. I need to start making sure I take regular breaks as it is killing my energy and my blood sugars. I also need to start leaving work on time again. The hours seem to just fly by and I’ve been there an extra 2hrs before I know it. I also need to make sure I am eating better and tracking my food again.

Things were going well at work and I was really enjoying working with my boss but things have gotten interesting. They hired this young very keen nurse who wants to be the top of the food chain. The staff hate having her in charge but management love her. Realized the other day that my boss has been using her as his eyes and ears. She writes a written report of each shift she works for his eyes only. Not a good feeling and worse when they have informed me that I need to train her to do my job so that she can replace me when I go on vacation. My concern is that my boss what’s to stick her in my space to nose around and make changes to my role when I am unable to counter his decisions. Just a bad feeling in my gut. I have nothing to hide about my job. It is done with professionalism, organization and thoroughness but I don’t like people making changes when they know nothing about my roll. Time to get all of my ducks fully in a roll and then I will be doing exactly what is needed to complete my job and no extra. I have given my heart, and everything I have to this company, job, position and I do not feel appreciated at all. I’d honestly say that I feel even less than appreciated 😔.

I am honestly not sure when and if my husband will ever be able to return to work. There are 500 Pipefitters out of work at this moment and with Covid restricting openings and large gatherings, I do not see his type of job being available for a long time. He is only 3 yrs from retirement so if we are really lucky we may see one more refinery or plant shutdown for him to work. This means it is time to get the finances completely in order. We’ve been very good at ensuring we manage our money week but if I want to retire in 4yrs we need to pay off our renovation loan with on,y my income.

I am honestly concerned that the gyms will never function as they did before. There is talk about having to schedule workouts and I know that while I am working with a trainer our bookings will take precedence but I only have a couple of months left with a trainer. Being that money is tighter I will not be renewing my training which means I would be at the mercy of the general schedule. I finish work at 5pm which is the busiest time at the gym. I do not have the option to leave work early 4 nights a week like some folks who work in an office or who are their own bosses. I know that I am struggling working out at home but I am giving serious thought to buying a rowing machine and setting my home gym back up. If I made a schedule and stuck to it as well as had an accountability buddy, I think I could manage at home for less money and without the complications of scheduling times. I just need to get into a rhythm and make the commitment.

This distancing and the shut downs have also made me realize something else. I really miss my 2 good friends and I wasn’t prioritizing our friendships or treating them with respect. We often tried to make plans and then had to cancel because one of us was busy. Sometimes I would just make excuses to not go out because of being tired and lazy (I know it’s my depression that doesn’t help). I’ve told both of my friends that we need to prioritize a friend date once a month and they have agreed.

I feel as if I’ve rambled and honestly this is more a journal of thoughts for me. I know that others are struggling and anxious and I want people to know that they aren’t alone.

[ladynox]

Milestones (2/?)

Relationships: Malexa

Summary:  The stress of buying a home causes trouble in paradise.

Notes: A thousand hugs to my wonderful beta @beautifulcheat. You are the best!

Please read below or on AO3

Sighing, Maria shut her car door and locked it. Michael and Alex’s cars were in the driveway. So they were home.  She wondered if anything had been hashed out between them while she was doing inventory at the Pony. Somehow, she doubted it, and decided it was best to find Alex before confronting Michael. It was likely that Michael was in the house, which more than likely meant Alex was not. She walked around to the back of house.

When Maria walked onto the patio, Alex was sitting there with his beer and a laptop, barefoot, wearing an old Panic! t-shirt, his favorite grey joggers, and a sour expression. “He acts like a slave,” Alex grumbled by way of hello.

Through the glass of the sliding doors, Maria could see Michael carrying a load of laundry to the washing machine. Adamant though Michael was about giving his child everything, the financial process involved in buying a home stressed him the hell out. This level of stress would have sent the old Michael straight to the Pony looking for trouble. Now, Michael funneled his guilt and shame into extra shifts at the junkyard and doing more than his allotted chores around the house.

Rolling her eyes, Maria sat down in the patio chair next to Alex and wished she were holding a beer instead of a smoothie. “I think the word you’re looking for is neurotic housewife,” Maria replied. Their house was sparkling clean and Maria was fucking exhausted with it. “He feels bad because he can’t be a cosigner.”

Alex hummed and drank his beer, still glowering through the sliding door even though Michael had disappeared into the laundry room.

“Did you talk to him about this morning?” Maria asked.

“No.” Alex took a very long and frustrated pull from his beer bottle. Maria missed alcohol already. Being pregnant was stressful enough without buying a home, an anxious boyfriend, and his grumpy boyfriend on top of that.

That morning, Michael hadn’t accompanied them to the banks they’d chosen to apply for preapproval. After having a long and exhausting discussion about their collective finances, it was decided that Michael’s history would hurt their prospects. And even though Michael had understood that, had agreed to the logic of their plan, Alex’s spreadsheets still had been a hard blow from reality. He’d been sulky for a week before the appointments, leading to rather unpleasant confrontation that morning: “No, I’m not going,” Michael said in between sips of coffee. That in itself had been a surprise to Maria and Alex, who had been expecting him to come with them. Just because Michael wasn’t going to be on the title didn’t mean he shouldn’t be there throughout the whole process. “Don’t want them to smell poverty wafting off me and ruin your chances.” “What the hell, Guerin?” Alex demanded, angry but also unsurprised and… resigned. Maria understood, had felt the same way. This was a fight long overdue, but she was hurt nonetheless.

“That’s really un-fucking-fair!” Maria added, annoyed with herself for not mentioning it earlier (one didn’t need psychic abilities to know how stressed Michael has been) but also annoyed with Michael for bottling it up until he exploded. He’d been so good about not doing that, lately.

Michael ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “That was shitty,” he admitted and looked up at them, apologetic. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” “Yes you did.” Alex couldn’t let it go and Maria couldn’t blame him.

“Yeah you’re right,” Michael sighed. “I love and appreciate you both. This is about is my bullshit. I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Maria said, glancing at her watch. She didn’t want to be late for their appointment with the bank. She didn’t even want to be right on time. She wanted to be early.

She did kiss Michael’s temple when she got up let him know she accepted his apology. Alex had done the same before they left.

And now here they were sitting in the patio, stewing, while Michael stress cleaned the house.  Again.

Maria turned Alex’s laptop towards her so she could look at it. As expected, the spreadsheets for the Ranch Acquisition Project, as Alex called buying the house, were open. Once the decision had been made to buy the Smith ranch, Alex had gone full Type A. From researching credit unions and banks, to property taxes, to anything else one should know before buying a ranch, Alex Manes was on top of it.

“Are we going to tell him the loan officer thought we were married?” Maria asked. Alex laughed, which was what she was after. “I’m afraid he’d stick his head in the oven.”

“Alex.” Even as she swatted his arm, Maria laughed. “Well I made an appointment to view the Smith property for this weekend, so that’ll cheer him up. The realtor also wants to show us a couple more ranches for sale, and I agreed. Why not?” “Did you—” “Yes, I’ve already asked her for the addresses.” Maria rolled her eyes. Alex was so predictable. “She said she’d email them to me. I’ll forward it to you the minute I get it so you can start researching.” “Thanks,” Alex said, throwing his good leg across Maria’s thighs, and Maria took the opportunity to rub his calf, since he always carried a lot of tension there. “Roast will be ready in an hour do you want anything until then?” Michael asked, poking his head out to look at them. “For you to grab a beer and sit with us,” Alex said immediately. “Come on babe,” Maria said when Michael looked like he was about protest. “That thing will cook itself and I know you’ve done everything on the chore list.” Maria arched an eyebrow at him and Michael flushed.   “Okay. Let me grab a beer.” He disappeared into the house and some of the tension leaves Alex’ shoulders. Maria wanted to remind Alex to relax, that sometimes it’s best to let Michael be, tire himself out. Wanted to remind him that Michael was always his own worst enemy. But she wasn’t responsible for their relationship. Michael sat down and fiddled with the label on the beer. Maria sipped her smoothie and Alex his beer. Finally, Michael sighed, “I’m so sorry again for this morning.” Maria met Alex’s eyes before they looked at Michael who was looking them both anxiously. Neither of them said anything and Maria is glad she and her best friend are on the same page. “I know it’s no excuse for being an asshole,” Michael was forced to continue. “Especially when you guys are being so amazing—” “Michael, you know I don’t like this burden talk,” Maria interrupted. This conversation was like a well-worn path.

Michael exhaled, annoyed with himself. “I hate that my name’s not going to be on the title,” Michael admitted, finally. “I know it doesn’t mean shit. I know that it’s just like how we’re married even if it’s not legal, I still hate it. I hate it because it reminds me of all the stupid ass decisions I made because I was a fucked up, angry kid. I’m angry at myself and I lashed out and I’m sorry.” That was a lot of feelings at once, Maria had to admit. So neither of them said anything until Michael gulped down his beer. It gave them all a little time to process.

“Just a poor mental health day,” Michael added afterward, echoing Alex. Only unlike Alex, Michael refuses a therapist, citing his extraterrestrial secrets as reason to not go.  

While Maria was still figuring out how best to express her thoughts, Alex took Michael’s hand and kissed his knuckles, then rested his cheek against them, looking at Michael, who smiled beatifically in response. It was silly, especially because hasn’t always done them well, but sometimes Maria couldn’t help but be a little jealous at how good they are at nonverbal communications. Well without the use of psychic abilities. “Hey, I’m sorry too,” Maria said. Michael was about to protest but Maria didn’t let him, barreling through. “I should have—” “We should have,” Alex succeeded in interrupting her and piggybacking off what she was about to say. The lazy bastard.

“We should have talked about it more than we did,” Maria was finally allowed to finish. “Nah—No really. It’s fine. This plan makes sense.” Michael reached out for her with his free hand. She grabbed it. Squeezed it. “Let’s not swap blame around ok?” “Ok,” Maria agreed. “But I’m still going to check in on you more often. Alex too.” Maria was not doing all the emotional labor, damnit. “Me too,” Alex agreed. “But, Michael, please, just say how you feel sooner. All this cooking and cleaning—” “I’m not going to stop,” Michael flat out said and glared at them because they were about to protest. “Yes part of it is this transactional issue but keeping busy also helps keep my mind off of it.” Maria reminded herself that the fact that he can admit that now is a huge victory for him, and a result of all the hard work he had done on himself before and after they started dating.  “Can’t just sit around playing the guitar all day.”

Michael slouched back in his chair, fiddled with the empty beer bottle. “But yeah, I know I should have said something earlier. Thing is… we’ve been so happy and I didn’t want to ruin the mood with my bullshit.”

“Baby, buying property is stressful as hell,” Maria said. “And I can’t even drink this time around. So – I for one would be totally down for a bitch fest anytime.”

Ah, there was that smile she liked so much. Michael sat up and leaned forward, kissing her, gratitude coming off him in waves.

--

“Sorry I’m late,” Michael said as Maria, freshly showered and energized after an hour at the gym, slipped into the passenger side of his truck. “I couldn’t find my sweater.”

Michael was giving her a reproachful look. So Maria looked at what he was wearing—a maroon knitted sweater with a couple of brass colored buttons at the collar. She loved the color on him and how soft it made him look. She also knew exactly where he must have found it.  

“It was cold a couple days ago!” Maria explained, defensively. “Right.” Michael started the engine. “I also found the cardigan Alex got me for Christmas and a pair of jeans in your closet, Maria. Those aren’t even my jeans!” “Excuse you!” Maria huffed. “They’re Alex’s.” “I know they’re Alex’s, you gremlin!” Michael shot back. No heat. This was a well-worn argument. Now he was going to mention her abundance of clothes. “You have a ton of clothes!” And compare himself to a prospector. “But I’m still excavating men’s clothing in that pit of yours!” Oh this time he decided to make fun of how she keeps her room.

“You have plenty of clothes now. You’re not going to miss one sweater.”

“And a cardigan.” “And a cardigan.” “And likely that pack of t-shirts’ I’ve been trying to find.” “No, that’s not me. You haven’t worn them yet. I don’t want them until you’ve worn them.” It wasn’t just about style, though she did enjoy mixing and matching women and men’s clothes. It was about Michael’s scent—petrichor and motor oil—when he was out working late or sleeping with Alex that night. It was about the comfort of the heavy weight of his cardigan around her shoulders when work is extra frustrating.

“Can’t say I don’t appreciate the honesty,” Michael said dryly. Though she could tell he was trying not to flush. He still had a really hard time accepting any kind of compliments.

Michael turned onto the road that lead to the hospital. “How was the workout, babe?” “Good,” Maria replied. “Lisa and I are still working on a modified training program for the pregnancy. But for now, I still feel comfortable doing what I normally do.” Maria had started doing more resistance training in addition to yoga and cardio about a year and half ago because she’d read that it was good for osteoporosis, and she’d gotten addicted, gotten a trainer, and now she used weights she wouldn’t have dreamed of touching before.

“Oh good because Alex is going to chuck his dresser and it’s heavy so—” Maria laughed. “You can move stuff with your brain you lazy shit.”

“Yeah but benefits of dating She-Hulk is that I don’t have too.” Maria rolled her eyes, swatting his arm with her hand. He laughed and parked.

“I see you’ve been watching cartoons with Alex again.” Alex, being the huge nerd he is, had recently downloaded all the old 90s Marvel cartoons he and Greg use to watch as kids together.  

“Yeah they’re kind of stupid to be honest,” Michael said and shrugged. “But he really likes them. And I’ve gotten to hear a lot of stories from when he was a kid. Like how he and Greg use to spend hours at the library going through their catalogue of X-Men comics and quizzing each other’s esoteric comic book knowledge.”

“Such a nerd,” Maria laughed.

“I knew what I was getting into when I married him.”

Once they were out of the truck, Michael took her hand and together they walked into the hospital. They were there to see Kyle for her first doctor’s appointment since confirming the pregnancy. Thankfully Maria was more human than alien, so the doctors never noticed anything strange when Mimi was pregnant. But this time around, the father was full alien. The change in percentage was enough to make everyone angsty and Kyle was recruited as OBGYN despite reminding everyone that he was a vascular surgeon. “I’m sorry for putting this on you, Kyle,” Maria said during brunch with Team Human. Maria had just broken the news about the pregnancy. “I know we ask so much from you as it is but if this kid comes out with glowing organs or something—”

“Hey. Hey,” Kyle said, squeezing her hand. “I got your back. Don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry Kyle. I’ll help.” Liz clapped her hand on his shoulder.

“You’re not an obstetrician either, Liz.” Kyle huffed, exasperated. “You’re not even a medical doctor! You’re a mad scientist.” He added when he caught the speculative gleam in Liz’s eyes as she looked at Maria’s flat belly. Liz, at least, had the good sense to look a little ashamed when Maria arched an eyebrow at her. Just a little ashamed though. This was Liz they were talking about here.

As Kyle and Liz continued to bicker, Maria was suddenly glad for her friends. Sure, unlike her mom, she had Michael and Alex. She wasn’t alone. But Michael and Alex were her life partners and those weren’t the same as friends.

--

The ultrasound gel was cold on her belly. She shivered a little, causing Michael to lean closer to her, taking her hand and twining their fingers together. He was radiating nervousness and fear as much he usually radiated heat. Maria tilted her head away from what Kyle was doing to look at Michael, his plush bottom lip caught in between his teeth, honey brown eyes focused intently on the screen as Kyle points out her bladder, the amniotic fluid and then her uterus.

“Okay there’s the baby,” Kyle said, pointing to a greyish blob surrounded by darkness. “This is the beginnings of an arm. Here’s the head.” Maria found it hard to imagine that that was going to be a person, her child. No matter how hard she looked, she couldn’t see little nodes that would one day be limbs. She couldn’t even really see much of a head. It was just all one amorphous lump, like a tiny soft grey turd, she thought unkindly, and wondered if there was something wrong with her. Did Mimi DeLuca look at fetus Maria and compare her to a turd?

No matter how hard she looked she couldn’t see what Kyle was pointing out. It looked like a little grey turd, she thought unkindly, and wondered if there was something wrong with her. Did Mimi DeLuca look at fetus Maria and compare her to a turd?

Maria forced herself to focus on what Kyle was saying. Healthy. She was relieved to hear that the baby’s development was good for this stage (whatever that means for a mostly alien baby). Maria could feel Michael really breathe for the first time since they walked into the room. He’d been fine until they stepped inside the hospital. After that he had started bouncing his leg in the waiting room and broadcasting worry to any psychic within a twenty-mile radius.

Maria hadn’t addressed it. Instead she let him hold her close even if it made texting difficult with all the jiggling.  Maria understood the sudden shift in him. Reality had hit Michael in the waiting room, even though the pregnancy still felt unreal to Maria. It still felt more like a happy dream or a fantasy. No matter the blood test confirming it or the very real stress and drama of buying the ranch, it still felt like she was lying in the back of Michael’s Chevy wistfully sharing What ifs about their future. What if we moved in together? What if we had children? Maybe foster? What if it was ours?

“Judging by the size, it’s about 8 weeks old…”  Kyle paused to calculate. “So that puts the due date close to September.”

“September.” Michael smiled and kissed Maria’s temple. “Is that even enough time…” Michael flushed, aware instantly that was a dumb thing to say. It was cute as hell though. “I mean…” “Eviction notice is already up, babe,” Maria chuckled, squeezing his hand. Michael pressed a kiss into her hair, chuckling. His whole aura had changed. Warm and happy, excited, and so hopeful. Maria pulled his hand to her lips, kissed his knuckles.

“We’re almost done,” Kyle said and checked her ovaries on the ultrasound. He took some screenshots of those and then some screenshots of the fetus. “Last thing. Just need to measure the heartbeat.” Kyle clicked something on the ultrasound machine and the room was filled with her baby’s heartbeat. For a moment, Maria forgot to breathe, transfixed by the mechanically distorted thwump thwump of the tiny life growing inside her.

This is really happening, Maria thought, looking at that little grey blob on the screen. It was still as grey and shapeless as before, but beneath her child was a graphic of their little heartbeat. Moving so fast. But it was the sound that overwhelmed her. Made her heart feel like it was swelling in her chest. Her eyes began to mist. “180 bpm,” she heard Kyle say over the rhythm of her baby’s life. Kyle smiled at the both of them. “That’s within normal limits.”

Maria’s laugh was watery and shaky. She looked at Michael who looked close to tears himself. His eyes shiny and full of love as he looked down at her. She sat up, reached for him and he came to her easily. They kissed – and she was sure it tasted like tears because she was crying now. Not sobbing. But the tears were flowing because she was so overwhelmed with wonder and love and so much happiness. Those feelings had to come out somehow.   This was really happening. Really, really happening. All those things she thought she’d never have—a life, a love of that life, a family…that little bit of life and love growing inside her—it was real.

Maria was going to be a mom. Michael sat down next to her, gathered her up in his arms and held her tight. She heard Kyle say something as the door opened and closed behind him. She didn’t know what he said. All she could focus on was the smell of rain and warmth of Michael’s embrace, and the softness of his lips on her tear damp cheeks. “I can’t believe this is happening,” Maria confided. “Never in my wildest dreams…” Michael kissed her again. Slowly. Sweetly. His forehead resting on hers after. “I know.” There was wonder in his voice too. But also joy, amazement, and that same disbelief that she felt.  “I know.” His eyes were bright with emotion and there was nothing sharp about his smile. Maria was sure she’d never seen him quite so hopeful.

Lord, Michael was so beautiful. “I love you so much,” Michael murmured against her mouth after another kiss. “And I love this baby. And I love that I get to start a family with you and Alex. And never in my wildest dreams…” Michael started to laugh because Maria was pulling him into another kiss, a little deeper this time. Maria opened herself up psychically to him, because she needed Michael to feel in this moment how much she loved him. How happy she was. That it wasn’t just Michael who couldn’t believe his luck. Everything she was feeling. Everything she was too overwhelmed to say out loud, she laid bare for him.

Michael pulled her impossibly closer, pressed his face into her neck like he wanted to graft himself to Maria, who felt so warm in his arms, still wrapped up in the flow of his emotions. She knew that Michael had never minded the few times she’s done this before.  He was more comfortable with it than even she was and more eager to try it with her. She had noticed that it was easier for him to communicate his feelings nonverbally.

But also, she suspected, it made it easier for him to accept her feelings and be less defensive about them when he was presented with the raw essence of them. Which is probably why she insisted on verbal communication. She found raw feelings to be kind of overwhelming. Even now, happy as she was, wrapped up in both their love and happiness it was edging on a lot. So she eased back a little. “I’m going to make you so happy.” “You already have, dummy.” “I was talking to the baby.”

“Idiot.”

[jjkfire]

>:0 tumblr fjdjjsndissk i was just saying wowowow i’m amazed how on top of being a fic writer u also work with data in a i assume money related field? like your writing and ideas are so fleshed out !!!! it’s so good !! i’m an engineer and i’ve occasionally thought abt starting writing myself but i don’t ever feel like i’ll have the time to come up with such fleshed out stories but like you are writing goals girl!!! keep up the great work bby

STEM fam, I know what you mean about not having the time hahaha. to be very honest, I only wrote in college when I was trying to procrastinate. I'd be like should I write my lab report or write a fic? and I would choose to write a fic and later on panic and try to finish my lab report... but by then i would only have like 1/5th of the time I originally budgeted hahahaha.

about being able to write stories, that comes with practice! you just have to start 😊 maybe your first story won't be the best but we all start somewhere!!! i mean, i think you can defo see the progress in my writing from courage -> escape -> to all my other fics. the beauty of writing is that 100 words can move you just as much as 10000 words. so, just start! when you start, you’re doing better than all the other people who are too afraid to do so. you’ll already be one step closer. also, askjdhskjahdkja thank you for all the kind words (”: you’re so sweet!

haha i don't work in the finance world but I defo love to invest/trade in the stock market lol. if any of you are American... you do not understand how lucky you are. legit can become a millionaire overnight bc of tesla 🙃 but i digress! there’s so much opportunity in the stock market!!!

>>> incoming finance ramble <<<

first of all, I cannot stress this enough. you should try to learn the basics of investing & trading and there are like a bazillion youtube videos at your disposal! you can make good money and safely too! it's a skill you can use for the rest of your life. like genuinely. so, number one on the list, you have to get a long term portfolio. the average annual return of the S&P500 is 7%. idk what your bank is giving you but i sure as hell can bet it’s not even remotely close to 7%. buying etfs like VOO are very typical set it and forget it type things. [look up bogleheads 3 fund portfolio! it’s a very famous investing strategy].

year to date, famous stocks are up by a lot. microsoft is up ~54%, apple is up~93% and you don’t even wanna know what the number is for tesla....... nvm i’ll tell you... it’s up ~542%, yes, five hundred and forty two percent. no, that isn’t a typo. and this is all even after they all went through the wringer back in the march covid crash.

you can google this stuff, but 100% your money will grow more in the stock market vs the bank, as long as you don’t panic (very important!) and you leave it for 20-30 years, and invest diligently (& intelligently). not to mention, you get dividends too. [but only put into the stock market what is rational for your situation. if you’re genuinely living paycheck to paycheck, don’t do it. get your 6 month emergency savings first.]

yeah and i hear you, you’re like 20-30 years? i want money now!!! good news, there’s options trading! tons of people think it takes a lot of money but two weeks ago you could've legitimately bought Wal-Mart calls for $14 a pop and then sell em 6 days later for $211. that's $197 profit for the cost of $14. patience is the game!!! don’t let fomo get you. and dont be stewpid. do your due diligence! it’s just so worth spending a few hours on youtube learning this stuff for FREE and then making money out of it... i mean are you ever gonna get a better deal???? 

i know this sounds like some mlm type shit and i literally don’t know how else to say this but if you take the time to learn it properly, you will defo make money. i made money doing debit spreads on nvidia and beyond meat just last week. not like thousands and thousands but hey, if there’s an extra 50 for me every week, i’ll take it! if you’re not american, find out if your local stock market is worth getting into. i have money in the stock market back home too. bro youtube has the answers for everything, i swear. [oh and watch out for capital gains tax! make sure you report it right!]

also, i’m a big believer in personal finance. just know your shit. do cash back/points with credit cards. NEVER be late in paying your credit card bill. NEVER! the interest on late payments will haunt you. look at your budget every month. and yes, if you really wanna know where your money goes, record every single transaction in a giant excel spreadsheet. i do it every end of the month. you’ll realize where you can cut back on spending (i save >50% of my income every month! and i live in a high COL (cost of living) city. so, it’s doable!) also, start thinking about retirement. i know, you’re (probably) young... but start thinking about it and do something about it! the earlier you start, the more bougie your life can be when you’re retired. if you’re american, take the 401k match. just. TAKE IT!!! it’s free money. if retirement plans work differently in your country (it probably does)... just do what is necessary. in malaysia, it’s automatic but the interest is so good! y’all just have to know that it’s for your future. oh and if you’ve got debts, pay off the high interest ones first no matter what. that shit will suck you dry.

personal finance. learn it. love it. don’t let the system play you. there’s money to be made in the stock market, especially now! there isn’t a better time to start learning. you can always paper trade before you put real money in. hehe sorry about the personal finance lecture but i just wished more people would get into it!!! older you will thank younger you for it!

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Serious Consideration

Two days ago the sous chef at the restaurant my husband works at was fired.  Yesterday the owner told Husband he’s expected to work that job as well as his current responsibilities.  Today Husband said he’d only be doing that if 1) he was given the promotion and title, and 2) he’s given the same wage as the sous chef was.  The owner said the position will no longer exist, and he won’t get a promotion or pay raise, and that he needs to be a “team member.  Husband said he’s not going to work the extra responsibilities without the raise and title.

For several weeks he’s been looking for a better job with better pay.  Today he’ll be more aggressive about it.  He has over 30 years experience working in the restaurant industry.  Earlier this year the head chef quit and someone with very little experience and no management skills was promoted to the position.  NO ONE LIKES THIS GUY!  He’s been fucking up left, right, and center.  Husband should have gotten that job, everyone but this guy feels the same way, and the owner refuses to listen to reason. 

The owner claims to be a “good Christian” but is a hardcore capitalist and treats his employees as slaves, giving raises only because the state has increased the minimum wage.  He’s raising wages a little bit every year only because the state requires it, and would have everyone at minimum wage if he could.

So here’s what we’re considering: We need to move out of the area. 

The place has been fraying on our health.  The air quality has me fucked up due to the fact people here would rather use wood-burning fire place instead of cleaner safer options to heat their homes.  Fire season has fucked with my asthma, allergies, and done a number on my anxiety and mental health.  The dry air hasn’t helped with my breathing; I went from using my emergency inhaler maybe two or three times a year to using it almost daily (and every time we leave the house).  Husband’s allergies have gotten worse since moving here (his sister, who convinced us to move here, said his allergies would basically vanish here), resulting in a lot of headaches, frequently requiring a third and even fourth allergy medication to control them (both meds make him extremely drowsy), and feeling like shit.

Rent is shitty here, and our landlady keeps raising the rent every year.  Finding a new place is nearly impossible due to 1) high rental prices on very small places ($800 for a 350 sq ft studio apartment) and 2) few places available (a lot of people live in RVs because there’s nowhere else to live).  When we moved in back in 2017 after a fire took our previous home (yay for renter’s insurance) rent on this place was $900.  It’s now $1090 and she plans on raising it another 10% every year.  If we sign another contract for this place, rent will be $1110.  Fuck that, we can’t afford it.

Well-paying jobs are hard to find in even the restaurant industry.  They all want to start Husband at state minimum wage!  WTF!?!

Finding good doctors and counselors here that can provide me with the treatment I need is difficult.  This is a rural fucking area.  We have to drive over an hour to get to my neurologist, who’s an asshole, but the only neurologist who accept Medicare.  My primary physician is well-loved and as such is booked with appointments going as far as six months ahead.  It took almost FIVE YEARS to find a counselor who’s qualified to treat me and accept Medicare and Medicaid.  Said counselor has urged me to move to the other side of the Cascades as soon as we are able.

We have exactly zero friends here.  The two we do have will soon no longer be here.  One is the former sous chef and the other is his wife.  They have family on the other side of the Cascades who will help cover the cost of moving over their, and the two of them will be gone by the end of November.

Husband is on the verge of a psychotic break from all the stress at work, finances, and taking care of me (I’m disabled and he’s my official caretaker).  I want to help with the finances, hence selling the quilts I make, but so far I’ve had very little luck.

We generally hate the area and it benefits neither of us to remain here.  We simply can’t afford to actually move.

I need/want to set up a GoFundMe.  We’ll need a minimum of $25k.  Why?  We can’t physically pack and move everything ourselves.  Our physical health will be put at serious risk.  We have a lot of heavy furniture and no one to help us pack and move it.  I cannot physically help beyond packing smaller things and putting the boxes in piles for Husband to move.  He will be doing all the heavy lifting on his own, risking serious injury.  We need to hire professionals or people in general to at least help us move everything into a truck we rent.  We have no local friends who will/can help us.  Then there’s the cost of the rental moving truck (U-Haul or Penske).  On top of this we’ll need to break the contract on our current rental home.  We’re signed up till July 2020, and if we break contract it’s going to be expensive, and we won’t get our security deposit back.  The chances of us finding someone to take over the rest of the contract is slim to none.  We also need money for some kind of housing while we seek out more permanent residence wherever it is we move (we’re looking at Beaverton or Keizer here in Oregon).  Husband says he can get a job in any restaurant that’s hiring, and is willing to work as a server/waiter while looking for something better.  Our two friends are moving to Keizer and will likely be able to help us find housing and Husband a well-paying restaurant job.  We’ll likely put a lot of our things in storage and rent a smaller place if we can’t find a place of similar size to what we’re living in now (a double wide, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, trailer/manufactured home).  Husband says he’s fine with a one or two bedroom, and I’d get the largest room/space for my sewing and home-activity stuff because I’m home 90% of the time and need the space.

Do I think we’ll be able to raise the money?  I’m not even gonna bother getting my hopes up.  It’d likely take months, even up to the month where we wouldn’t even have to break our contract.  Moving between late November to the end of March is dangerous because we’re traveling through high elevation and mountains.  They get LOTS of snow, including snowstorms and blizzards, during the winter months.  We don’t want to risk getting stuck or dying.

Our final car payment in February, at which point we’ll be able to save $300/month.  We have two credit cards to pay off ($1200 and $6100), $200/month between the two of them.  Plus there’s Husband’s student loans ($30k) and we’re on a payment plan of $60/month.  The money for the move won’t be applied to these bills unless absolutely necessary.

My SSDI (social security disability income) is $740/month, which covers most of our monthly bills, but not nearly enough to be livable or help out with the move save for paying said bills.

Would any of you be willing to make a donation to my GoFundMe?  I have 1049 followers, so just $10 from you would cover half the cost.  I know most, if not all, of you won’t be able to make a donation, which is perfectly fine. 

All funds selling my quilts will be applied to the credit cards.  The stained glass quilt would cover one of the credit cards straight away.  If all the others sold before the move, that’d make a huge punch in the other credit card bill balance.

We won’t be pulling out a loan for the move.  That’s another monstrous bill with a HUGE interest rate (I’ve seen them as high as 50% interest within 3 months of getting the loan, and that’s through a bank.  Personal loans are a very bad idea.). 

I’ll be going over the details of the GoFundMe with Husband later. 

Let me know if you’d be willing to help. 

[redsamuraiii]

Okane お金 : Money

Ever wonder how you always find yourself short on money despite how bigger your salary is now? Ever wonder how do you wish you can cut down your expenses but do not know how or where to begin? Or you do know where to begin but you are just no ready for a big drastic change in your lifestyle.

I have read some books on managing personal finances but they’re either too technical and detailed (with their complex financial concepts or jargon) or they are written by sanctimonious capitalists who has a habit of criticizing those who are not financially savvy and making comparisons as to why you are poor. Half way reading and you already feel demoralized and miserable, realizing how stupid you are for not knowing what the writer is talking about and how much money have been wasted in the past to the point that you feel depressed and hopeless thinking that it’s not possible unless you study finance. But I have found an interesting book titled : Kaizen by Sarah Harvey that manages to simplify how to not only manage your finances but your life as well. It’s a refreshing unique take that acknowledges us as humans who make mistakes and wants to change but at a pace that we are comfortable with.

This is where the Japanese method for transforming habits of one small baby step at a time comes in.

“Rather than forcing us to make big dramatic changes, this method emphasizes on doing things incrementally. It can transform the way you feel about yourself, your goals and your environment. We are living in uncertain and stressful times and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this has resulted in a recent flurry of interest in looking to other cultures and traditions for guidance.” - Sarah Harvey, Kaizen

What is Kaizen?

It means improvement, whether big or small, one time or continuous. It is sometimes used in martial arts where the idea of improving one area of your practice meticulously and slowly is encouraged. Small change is better than no change, as with each step it gives you the confidence that you CAN change.

How to apply Kaizen in your life?

Well, I cannot spill everything that is written by the lovely author but I can share based on my understanding in reading her book! First, you need a clean notebook and a pen (or you can write them on your lap top or tablet, whichever you’re comfortable with, I prefer writing down as I hate staring at the screen).

STEP 1

Clear your thoughts. You can’t devise a solid plan if your mind is in a mess.

Try to allocate some time, say one hour on a Sunday to analyze your finances. For a simple start, just analyze your spending for this month alone. Don’t stress yourself into analyzing your whole life spending since you were born!

If you have a hard time remembering, don’t sweat it. Just write those you remember. You can start tracking your spending from now on and do a proper one at the end of the month.

STEP 2

Divide your spending into 2 main categories.

   - Fixed

     Your needs, such as monthly bills, groceries, etc    

- Variable

     Your wants, shopping, traveling, etc

STEP 3

Examine your fixed spending.

- Is there an alternative place where you can get your electricity, gas, water, internet for your home at a cheaper price? Or get cheaper phone plans?

- Is there anywhere else that you can buy your groceries at a cheaper price or nearer to your home to save fuel costs of your car?

- What are the things you normally buy for your groceries? Perhaps there are alternative cheaper brands of the same type of food and drinks?

STEP 4

Examine your variable spending.

- Are you a bookworm who can’t resist buying books when you still have stack of them at home that you haven’t read yet? Where do you usually buy your books from? Do they offer membership discounts?

- Are you someone who can’t resist the “SALE” sign at the malls? The next time you see it, think carefully if you really need it or are you buying it simply because it is cheap? You don’t want to accumulate too many stuffs you don’t need.

- Are you a frequent traveler? Have you consider using budget airlines or perhaps cut down your spending while you are traveling and avoid excessive shopping but to only focus on your food and accommodation that is worth it.

These are just examples but I believe you get the rough idea on how to go about doing it based on your lifestyle. You don’t have to sacrifice EVERYTHING and becoming a hermit but you just have to control your spending on what truly matters and think before buying if you really need that item or not.

Extra Income

While many finance books concludes that investment is the key to financial independence, they fail to emphasis the need for having enough savings BEFORE you jump into any investment. And that you have to exercise caution as there are risks and no guarantee that you will get what you expect.

For me, the first step is to cut down your expenses. Once you have succeeded in this, you can plan on how to grow your savings. Maybe putting your money in high interest savings account. So you need to check the interest rate of your current savings account and compare with other banks to decide.

Only when you have control your expenses and grow your savings, can you consider about investing. You have to take the Kaizen approach and start with a small one with the least risk of losing your money. You cannot jump straight into a big one hoping for a huge return, this is where people have gone bankrupt.

Remember : One baby step at a time. Slowly but surely. Don’t get pressured into taking a huge risk simply because others tell you to. It is your life. You are in control. Not them. Take small steps that you are comfortable with. Steps that do not affect your current lifestyle in a big way but effective enough in the long run.

[brandmentalist]

Signs Of Stress In Men & How We Can Be Better Partners

Today is Father’s Day. I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about an issue that doesn’t get talked about as often as it should which is how father’s mental health also affects family tremendously.

Energies are contagious. When one family member suffers from depression, burnout, sadness, and stress, everyone else in the family feels it too. Being a father is not an easy job and fathers deserve to be praised more often.

Even though women and men are becoming more equal, men still feel that as a husband or a dad, they are to be the provider of the family. It might feel like an easier job than being a mother to many people, but as I’ve observed many men in my life, I can honestly say that men bear a lot of stress on their shoulder. Most of the time they don’t even express it because they feel that it is their duty, their role, their responsibility as a man. Their ability to provide affects their identity. It defines their self-worth. It is what they see as the meaning of their life.

Stress is contagious. If one person in the family is stressed, everyone else feels the effects too. I’d like to take this opportunity to help us learn to become better partners, better friends, and better daughters to the men in our lives by learning to recognize their stress and know how to deal with it without making the situation worse.

As a woman, from my own experience and from having observed experiences of others around me, there are many ways in which we unconsciously respond to how a man deals with stress that makes everything worse. I believe that if we all learn to deal with stress, not just our own stress, but also when people in our lives are stressed, relationships would last longer and families would be happier.

Here are some signs of stress, anxiety, and depression in men and how we can learn to be a better partner, friend, and parent to the men in our lives.

1. Becoming distant

This is one of the most common problems. I’ve been there. My girl friends have been there. So I want to raise this up again so we women are all aware of how we sometimes unconsciously react to things that make the situation worse.

When men are stressed, they become distant and go into their man caves to solve their problems. They could go for days or weeks without speaking much. A lot of men have trouble communicating what’s on their mind, let alone telling others that they’re struggling emotionally. It makes them feel vulnerable and weak to tell others how stressed they are.

A lot of women take this the wrong way by taking it personally and assuming that they have lost interest. As a result, we may become more needy and annoying as we ask for extra attention. This usually makes the situation worse as men would feel they now have more responsibility to deal with on top of the stress they already have with work or finances.

It is not easy to be distant from our partner when they have been close, sweet, and loving before. A lot of men are not great at communicating either so we aren’t notified of the sudden, upcoming change. However, if we can learn to recognize this and know how to deal with it, it will help our relationship and our family. All of these all require practice. We need to learn to not take things personally. We need to learn to give men space. We need to learn to be understanding and patient. Because, oftentimes, when men are distant, it’s not about us. But when we start becoming needy and acting out, the stress starts to become about us - and that makes everything worse.

I feel like this is something that no one has ever taught us. We learn about this through our own experiences and from dating-advice websites. Our moms rarely taught us this. Well, how many parents are still together nowadays? Right? So, here’s to learning to be a better person, partner, and parent.

2. Relying on unhealthy outside sources for relief and joy

Another way to detect that the man in your life is going through extreme stress is when he starts to rely on unhealthy outside sources for relief and joy, such as alcohol, cigarette, drugs, gambling, etc. Anything that is not healthy and has become an obsession is oftentimes a way out of an emotional burden.

When this happens, how we women usually respond to it is by being upset and angry for their behaviors. However, that would only make the situation worse. We need to first start communicating and talking about the weight on their shoulder and how we can start dealing with it in a more constructive way.

Oftentimes when men are stressed, the way they deal with stress is subconsciously mirrored or influenced by how they saw their fathers dealt with stress. If their father used alcohol as an escape from stress, they may have a tendency to do so or feel that it is an acceptable way to do so. This is on a subconscious level, so they may not even know why they’re doing so. Understanding how your man’s father dealt with his stress can help you understand things from his perspective and can find healthier ways to deal with stress together as a couple or a family.

It is not easy to break out of patterns and what we learned subconsciously whilst growing up. It takes a lot of strength, courage, and maturity to be able to face one’s brokenness and deal with it in a healthy way. As a subscriber of this email list, I believe you have started learning to pay attention to your unconscious patterns and manage them for the better. I hope we can do this not only for ourselves, but can also help people in our lives deal with theirs too.

3. Being lethargic

This might not be so obvious. However, it is one of the signs of depression. When you see someone sleeps for 12 hours straight and still feel tired day in and day out, it is a sign of depression. This might go hand in hand with bad diets. It can be a cycle that is hard to break. If we ever spot this pattern in the men in our lives, we need to be a good source of support and encouragement. We need to encourage them to go for an exercise and eat healthy - force them if you will. Don’t let them fall deep into that cycle that it becomes impossible to break out of.

4. Expressing anger

Anger is an outward sign of depression.

One perspective I want to point out here is …. the way we respond to conflicts and the kind of conflicts we are used to are often related to how our parents are. If you grew up with a parent who yelled when angry, you may also yell yourself when you’re angry, and you may not feel as bad if your partner yells at you when they are mad. On the other hand, if you grew up with parents who never raised their voices and always talked calmly, you may be extremely shocked and find it extremely rude and disrespectful to raise voices during arguments.

Have you seen couples who kept shouting at one another? You bet that they both grew up in families who had similar ways of dealing with conflicts.

Usually when someone is attacked by anger, they respond back with anger. That usually makes the situation worse. But maybe that is the only way that they know.

So how can we learn to recognize patterns we may have subconsciously adopted from our parents so that we do not repeat them and pass them onto our children? Because you can bet that your children will certainly learn how to deal with conflicts, stress, and depression the way you deal with them - whether they would adopt similar patterns or go the opposite ways.

____

Now, let’s go and hug our men and show how appreciative we are of their efforts and everything they’ve done for us. Being appreciated is what men need the most from their women.

We all want to work hard and be successful. At the end of the day, we just want to be appreciated and be loved for all the things we’ve done for those we love.

[moramew]

Do you got any tips for first time apartment renters/people living on their for the first time?

Sure, nonny. I can’t promise it’s a comprehensive list or anything, but I’ll try to be of help!

⚪Make sure you understand your lease. If there’s any confusion, ask questions before you sign. You don’t want to sign and then realize there’s a note in it that clashes against something you want to do. I’ve rented from landlords that don’t allow you to hang up stuff on the walls, ones that are strictly no smoking, ones that contract certain plumbers/insect controller (or whatever the word is for it), etc. Make sure you understand everything before you sign

On that note, make sure your landlord is someone you’ll get along with too. Mine is super strict- there’s a $50 late fee if you don’t pay within three days of when rent is due on top of $5 every day after- but that makes sure I don’t get lazy and I keep a better eye on my finances/due dates for bills and everything. If you’re talking to a landlord and they seem too uptight or too apathetic or whatever, then find someone else. Please trust me when I say it’s not worth it to be locked into a lease with a shitty landlord that will make your life miserable

Ditto with neighbors. Absolutely make sure to ask your landlord about them if you’re going to live next to someone. Questions like if they’re a family, loud, older or younger, if they’re home more often than not, etc are important. You want to make sure you’re not going to get stuck next to someone that blares their tv all night if you work early morning shifts. 

⚪Have at least double the rent in savings, plus money for utilities and buying basic things for the home as well as groceries. Moving is fucking expensive- more than you think it is, usually. Research before you even go to look at apartments- how much utilities will cost (I had to pay a $240 deposit just to get it turned on), the cost of moving supplies, how much trash collection will be, etc. Make a budget. Make sure you have enough money plus extra before you even think of looking at a place. You don’t want to be miserable and broke after moving in

Don’t try to buy everything at once. If you can, try to get your utilities turned on a day or two before moving in. Those are hella important. After that, I’d concentrate on essentials- food and kitchen supplies, washer and dryer, cleaning supplies, etc. Once you have those, then I’d build up. (That’s what I’m doing at least) If you can wait on Internet, do it. If you can wait to get a couch, do it. You don’t have to everything at once. It’s not a race. Moving is expensive and it takes time. Your apartment will get to where it needs to be, I promise. Just be patient.

Walmart has spatulas and stuff for 88 cents (at least where I live). Take advantage of that- you can always get prettier ones later on.

Family Dollar is your friend. Literally everything is a dollar and you can stock up on basic supplies there. I find it helpful for, like, storage containers and stuff like that

Ask your family and friends if they have spares of kitchen stuff; coffee pot, skillets, mixing bowls, etc. Sometimes they do and that can save you money. If you want, you can always replace them later down the line.

⚪Using the oven will make your utility bill higher. Small appliances like crockpots, roaster ovens, microwaves, electric skillets are helpful and good investments. If anything, at least get a crockpot. They’re so useful and great for when you’re too busy to cook/too depressed/too tired. You literally just dump food in it and let it cook for a few hours and then boom! Food. You might have to brown meat for things like chili, but it’s not hard

⚪Learn to cook. It’s cheaper than take out, usually healthier, and you can always eat the leftovers. It can give a sense of accomplishment, too, and there’s a nice satisfaction that comes with trying a new recipe and it turning out well. We all love pizza rolls and Chinese take out, but you got to think of your health. Treat yourself to take out when you can afford it, but don’t get it every other day

Make sure to get: flour, sugar, spices, condiments, vegetable oil, cornstarch, baking soda, milk, butter, and eggs.

Check out the discount food section at your grocery stores. At my Walmart, there’s a small shelf section in the aisle where they sell beans and stuff. There’s usually a cluster of dented cans that’s half off because, well, they’re dented. I snag these for crockpot fixings. There’s literally nothing wrong with them except for the cans being dented- unlearn the basic recoil you might have toward that sort of thing. Of course, check the use by date and all that. But you should be doing that with your groceries anyway

⚪If you smoke, try to do it outside. Like, I know. It’s convenient to smoke inside and it’s your apartment so, uh, fuck me. Or whatever. But, cigarettes do leave a gross odor behind and can cling to your clothes, curtains, whatever. You might not be able to smell it, but other people will. Stepping outside for five minutes or even cracking open a window can help avoid any gross odors. Plus, your landlord might not be happy if they come over and your place reeks of smoke- it’ll make it harder for them to rent it after you move out

On the note of odors, try to look for deals on candles. Michaels usually has a 3 for 10 sale on candles- I just got three that smells like pine needles- and Walmart has them for like...3-5$ with their Mainstay brand. Tart warmers are a good investment, too. They can make for a good Christmas present- if any of your family is asking what you want, you can tell them that.

Also take out your trash as soon as you can if possible. Clean your trash cans, too. I wipe mine down like once a week because it’s white and can quickly look gross, but I’ll only do a full clean about once a month.

⚪If your lease doesn’t allow pets, don’t try to sneak one in. This is self-explanatory. I know it can suck- I want a dog, badly- but if your landlord finds out, there will be hell to pay. You might even get kicked out. It’s not worth it.

⚪Buy fun things. A shower curtain with cacti on it, dish towels with pawprints, a pink chair, neon coffee mugs- if you want it, get it. Obviously make sure it won’t hit your savings too hard but, like, it’s your place. Let yourself have things that you want. Take this opportunity to flaunt your style and aesthetic. You don’t have parents to choose everything that they want, you don’t have to compromise with a roommate. It’s your home- decorate how you want.

⚪Make a back up door key. Just in case, you know. We can all be forgetful. Stick it in your car or your purse or wherever- you don’t have a roommate to let you in, calling a locksmith is expensive, and calling your landlord just for that isn’t always a pleasant or convenient experience.

⚪Get a house plant. Not necessary, but they look nice and are pretty neat.

⚪Get a calendar and mark down when bills are due. You can use the one on your phone if you want, but I find it useful to get one you can stick on a fridge. It’s right there in your face and makes it a bit easier to be organized.

This is all I’ve got at the moment- I’m a little too headachey to go on.

But, like, most of it is common sense stuff. Don’t stress too much, take it slow, clean your apartment, pay your bills on time, and be nice to your neighbors.

[artgirllullaby]

The truth below this... “me”

So another year huh? And all I did was… mostly be absent.

Come on, I think by this point every single one out there who follow me noticed, either you’re close, far, if you follow for my work, fanfics, or whatever, you saw that last year I did pretty much… nothing.

That comes partially from procrastination, I won’t lie, but… There’s a whole lot that was happening that I kept out to very few, and when I say this I mean that even my parents, brothers and best friends didn’t know some stuff. Only recently I got better to get in contact and talk it out to them and say all the good and the horrible that had been on my mind.

And while I know most want to share the good that happened in 2018, I need to say it wasn’t that good year for me, and to get it out, I want to say it all out and be honest. Then I know there’s nothing I need to hide or be scared of sharing because… if there’s to be known, it’s just to click to read.

That’s why I’m writing this. And because of of the stuff here is very sensible and can be triggering to some, I’m putting on the below. So… avoid the triggers by reading the tags if you have any of them, and if you do but still wish to know how I am, feel free to contact me, ok? I assure things are better now, but if you need a bit more of ease, I don’t mind doing so.

If you decide not to read, just know It’s been a very hard thing on me, but I’m getting better and I’m taking care and getting help and trying my best to keep my hopes and myself up. I’m thankful you cared to read this and I understand if you can’t read any further because of the tags. Thank for considering yourself too and not taking a hit “for my sake”, it makes me actually happy that you consider putting yourself in the position to know where your limits are and to know you can’t go further. Proud of you, little one. If you feel like, don’t think twice before hitting my ask or inbox, ok? Hugs, thanks for being here still.

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twanxiety #twdepression #twstress #twgad #twdd #triggering #Triggerwarning

For you who decided to click the button to continue reading anyway, Please remember I’m writing this at once and also that you’re free to stop at any signals of discomfort, unease or triggers. Thank you for taking time to read this anyways.

2018 had been many things, it had been fun and tiring and stressful, and even enjoyable for a bit. But as many other stuff in life, when silence keeps to long it can be taken as a bad omen to bad happenings.

If you ever played Jenga, then you know how it works; if you don’t, it’s basically taking a piece on the base and putting on top and hoping that it doesn’t break down in your turn. Which in the game is fun because you have to think over your decision to what piece to move and not move the tower and the pressure you have makes it fun… In real life? makes you wonder “why one takes the weight in the base of a structure to move to the top if that overweights the top which will obviously make the project/structure fail because the base cannot hold that weight and so it will go down eventually?!”

And well, that was my in 2018, a whole big game of Jenga in which my life are the pieces, and people around me are players as me and the game is ok to everyone but me.

Some of you know, I had a co-worker who had been basically unbearable to work with from the moment she found herself pregnant, and by the law the company can’t fire her until her baby is born and a bit older (around 6-7 months older she gets the licensed and secured), and so after her time secured was over the company did fire her because of her behaviour borderline toxic/abusive toward others. Things finally where getting a bit better with the substitute and things going better in company.

I had been having difficulties with my mother, who has becoming more controlling and hovering over me. If wasn’t enough our communication that was bad begins to go to ruin to worse, rotting to the point I’m back to when I was 15 and I saw her as a stranger. I try to change and get closer. Here is the funny thing about relationships, if doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a lover, your soulmate, your husband, your sister, your parent, your cousin, your godmother, your father-in-law or whatever that person means to you, as an universal law, it takes both parts and effort to make it work and flow.

And there I was, trying to arrange something we do, we try to speak, to voice out things that hurt and annoys me for us to change for better, because that’s how it should work. One speaks, the other listen, then it’s their turn and so after both saying their sides they try to come in a middle term or a point they can agree on to live better and no one is bitter over the matter.

But that was not what happens. Mom takes the cards I lay on the table and use against me, she takes things on the past against me, she flips the table and now she’s being accused and she’s the victim and I’m the one who’s blind to see how hard she tries to make us all happy and ungrateful, on how I keep pulling distance and I stop talking and avoid talking. I’m the one who doesn’t know she gave up her college, to work and make an career on her own, that father comes tired and deserves to rest for working hard everyday to never miss anything at home, and that she has to bare my sister OCD and ADHD while I’m not there, that she has to keep the house well and do everything… And so, yet again, my voice is cut. I lose courage, my anxiety rises, and I’m afraid of saying anything to anyone, I’m afraid to be a burden, to bother anyone.

I laid on bed that night in silence as I stare at the blank wall and listen to whatever music is on my playlist. Because I know, I fucking know how much their lives could be different for a number of factors, one of them being the fact if I wasn’t born on the worst timing as I did, I know in numbers how much that could have changed, even if my father makes sure to assure me it’s nothing he regrets or I did wrong, I know it wasn’t planned and I know too, it could have changed everything.

Piece moved by mother, my turn is skipped. The player can’t play with shaking hands.

The temporary at work was dismissed, not because someone was finally contracted, but because the boss thought we could do without it. Now, how a company survive without it finances department? Yep, it doesn’t. So they pick someone they think they can reply on to do the job, and then guess what? There I am. Working with numbers and money and it’s stressing more and more since I really didn’t applied for this and it does make me nervous. Then I find a list of mistakes the temporary left and I have to fix, plus more work… and meanwhile I am doing that, my own work papers are there waiting in my table just piling up to the moment I finish up and go do them. Which makes me more stressed, because as long I take to do them, the rest of office needs to wait to keep the workflow. So there I am, working for two, being paid for one, getting some extra hours, and getting exhausted.

My boss moves another piece.

Therapist notice I’m getting more stressed, and things had been getting me easier and some triggers are getting back. I’m getting more and more unstable. She makes some tests and takes another look on my whole history with her on the last 2 years, she also takes a look on my medication and notice there was a change for a higher dose, and now it’s twice a day. She’s worried, she tell my parents to show up and talks to my father (cause mother didn’t show up - a piece of my Jenga went missing), only after a few more sessions she gives me a diagnosis: GAD, aka Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I’m not progressing in my treatment, in fact, with everything going on with me, I got worse and instead of moving to eventually not need therapy, I need the sessions now more than ever.

My mind moves a base piece, the tower balance a bit.

Things continue going on, everyday begins to be harder and I find myself more tired. Sometimes I get home from work and just take a bath and sleep. I’m missing my appetite, I’m slowly cutting ties with friends and stop talking to them or most of them and taking distance without anyone noticing. I hardly access social media for exceptional to check a thing around here or there. I begin to get anxiety when I try to write once again and begin to be ashamed on myself and my cycle of self-punishment for not being able to write any longer or often, nor I have courage to say anyone besides the therapist all that’s going on.

Even so I try to make an apology and explain at least the part that because I’m working by two and being too stressed and tried is sadly taking out on my creativity, many agree and support and decide to give me the space am I thankful for… Still the two people I considered dearly as readers hurt deeply as I come to known their true meaning. That they already disliked the story on the point it is, that I should have just put as finished and given up and stop writing, and then suddenly other people who I didn’t even know begin to say things on the back and… I just wonder what happened to the respect and honesty I had asked from the beginning. To see so much hate suddenly going out of nowhere was surely discouraging, and on the state I was, I was not only discouraged as I was intimidated to even think on continuing.

Next thing I know is that just as my originals, I am unable to open any of my fanfictions and work on them. I shake, I break down on tears, I get too nervous, I’m unable to concentrate, I begin to question if they were right and if everyone else was just sorry of pitying on me or if they just played along. Then all the files stay in there with the originals, blocked in my unstable mind unable to product anything worthy.

Unknown people move some pieces, the tower shakes.

...

A week can be such a long period of time for some things, and a short for another and sometimes, for the very same reasons. To be fair I still don’t know to say if was a quick or a slow week since there are blanks in my memory and I just have the impact ones. But one thing I can tell for sure, it was a hell of a week.

Monday begins with my mother waking me up and hurrying up to get ready, she still doesn't notice that I’m not well. I try my best to get ready fast as I can, I take my purse to get in the car and get a ride to go to therapy and then go work. I open the door, she already took the car out and look at me; I just have to climb and it will be fine.

She look to me, than take a turn and accelerates the car, so there’s no time for me to catch up. And I am left there with my hand on the door looking on the empty place where I could have climbed the car just by few seconds, but she couldn’t wait because her class was more important than my therapy session. Because her appointment was more important than me in that moment there.

Another piece goes missing.

I’m taken by such sudden sadness and hurt that I wasn’t able to stand or breathe, I stay in the couch for a bit, my sister offer to take me to the therapist in her way to college, I just shake my head. I find out I got no voice, not even strength to talk or even look at her, but she shrugs and go. I somehow make to the bed and lay in there, sleeping. It’s the first time in 3 years I miss a day of work - I didn’t miss even when got sick -, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t eat, I don’t have water, I don’t go out the bed, I just stay in there and sleep or stare at the blank wall trying to understand what is the feeling inside me. My therapist text me and I lie saying I had a problem, but will show up later in the week.

The next event is after I am able to speak better again, which I’m not sure if was next afternoon or two days. I walk into my therapist office and then find out my health insurance decided to cut the therapy sessions I still had, they want the word of any other doctor saying I do need the therapy and I need to do that in every 3 months or they won’t allow me to continue my treatment. I try to argue with them and reason that I wouldn’t be going if wasn’t necessary, still they say it’s a new rule to everyone so no exceptions. I can’t go to therapy, nor my therapist can treat me out her office, to pay each session it’s out my reach and I already pay for health insurance that should and does cover my treatment, so these rules make absolutely no sense… All I know is that I need my other endocrinologist to give me permission to get treatment, even if there’s nothing to do with her, and the appointment I have is a month away.

Health takes a piece. The tower starts shifting.

I make a huge mistake at work. Because my head isn’t in place I misunderstand the information I am given and end up messing up part of the payment I needed to do. I paid the wrong provider, the other one who does need the payment is stuck and now the central need to find a way to locate the other guy because until the right provider gets the payment he are getting behind track. I get stuck the whole day stuck between fixing my mistake, calming the provider and having to listen silently my boss calling me angrily for a solution.

Work moves a piece. The tower is barely standing.

It takes the next day to put my paperwork in order. the problem of paying the wrong provider still on going, but seems on a way to solution, so I could take a bit of time to focus on getting the work flowing and laughing in a way to avoiding to cry.

Last day of the week, so I can take a bit of rest, I just need hang in there a little bit. Just a few more hours and I could be home so another piece could go missing.

As we get home, my mother gets out. She starts arguing with me and father, ordering we don’t even leave the car, cause my sister needs assistance. I immediately think of the worst as she just is learning to drive and than my father replies it’s not that big deal the car failed her. I am between angry and confused, angry for worrying for a minute that it was something dangerous, confused to why my mother is making such a fuss over the car simply failing on my sister trying to turn it on and making such a fuss on having my father go there.

Things begin to scalates as she raises her voice and begins to argue with him and she tries to calm her, only making her angrier and then threatening to make a scandal and break the car window if he didn’t go. And then changing her mind to do it if he didn’t get out and let her go alone and get out the car.

Neighbors were already starting to look, I was the only in home by them aside the two, tired, getting triggered by all the stress and situation, anxious and then… something snapped.

The tower fell down as I touched to move a piece.

Somehow I took my mother hand and said determined enough for her to get in the car that they both should go. That I wanted them out the house, out of my reach and out the house. She listened by some miracle and I got inside breaking down right after before blanking out.

August 13rd, 2018. I probably won’t ever forget this date. It was a friday, I can remember clearly because it I just had laughed on the irony that it was a friday 13rd and it was being so bad on me at work. It was night and the dog was around me as if he sensed something was wrong… or he just wanted to go for a walk.

Things are blank, as if for the moment I broke down I wasn’t really there, like wasn’t me in my body, or taking control, or too shocked and overwhelmed to notice anything and just let it move and do whatever my brain decided it was best to.

Now that I used Jenga example I find it as a perfect example to explain that blank moment. It’s the moment a player found themselves holding or just after placing the piece and everything comes tumbling down, there’s a paralyzing moment that everyone around stay still in shock watching the tower fall in a mix of wonder and confusion to move only after all the pieces stopped to fall, then you and others try to evaluate how it failed the strategy before picking the pieces around to put the Jenga together again for another round.

That was that blank moment, the moment of wonder and confusion, of complete loss in which I lose myself and the control to the point I don’t even remember how things happened exactly.

All I know is that suddenly I had a knife on my hand and was standing on my kitchen and looking on my other arm.

;

I took one breath, I had went to the kitchen and started to something to relief myself. I took a second breath, I decided to hurt myself because the punishment of all my wrongs seemed like a way to relief back then. I took a third breath, I was just about to cut myself; I don’t know if would be a deep cut on my wrist, arms, lightly or whatever, but definitely wasn’t a good thing that I was up to take hurting myself to that point, and worse, to have no idea on how far I would have gone if I just suddenly get back into my senses in that seconds. I took another breath, I put the knife back in the drawer and close it.

I start to cry again, but for another reason.

Because it had been 10 years. Ten fucking years I had celebrated and considered successful just to find it this demon back again on me. I’m not just depressed and anxious as I thought. I’m back to when I was 15, in this very same kitchen when I sat in the table with a knife on a hand and a bunch of mixed medicines on the other side as I watched the clock and decided when I would put the end.

I’m suicidal again.

;

It’s enough, and I’m done. I just… couldn’t. I put myself on bed, in a way of self-grounding, I decide I will not leave the bed for the next days or talk to anyone unless necessary. And I did well, because I seriously had no idea what I would be able to do if I left that bed in the state I was.

Only in the third day I speak to my closest friends about it all and get some relief, I listen to music to try keep my heart from failing me. I am unable to be back on me again for months, I get back on therapy. I get diagnosis that my depression got in the stage of Deep Depression and at this point, my therapist alone isn’t able to do much alone. I’m somewhere between trying to recover and accepting things are just as they are. She recommends me to get assistance in a group with my family and send to my father, I decide to give a try even if not giving much hope.

My father doesn’t receive the message. Therapist mistook for my mother number and sent to her, my mother dismiss the message and says it’s no big deal and I should not mind about it. I feel hurt she dismissed so easily without talking or even looking up to it, but on the other side I’m also accepting the fact she doesn’t take me as her daughter anymore. And little by little I realize that’s not just something from my mind, as she doesn’t talk that much with me, but with a friend she has with my age and often tries and offer help to her, and then there’s me there. I set in my mind I need to leave home so she can take the daughter she wants to adopt in, and because I need my own air.

My father realizes I’m not well and that my relationship with mother is going from bad to worse to even breaking. He tries to help, my therapist call her in once again to try warn her and tell her. She avoids and miss the meet ups just like a thief runs from the police, and I decide that if she’s not even trying at all, then I won’t either.

My medicine changes to twice a day, I’m still bad, but with therapy back I’m getting a bit better by the days. I decide to travel alone in my vacation to somewhere new and where I know no one and no one knows me.

So I find myself in Curitiba in December.

The city is pretty and with gentle people with smiles and colors around, or so I’ve seen. Maybe it was the feeling that I had space for myself, that I could take a breath and not worry about it. Which also led myself to taking a walk in the grass.

Bad things happened still, true, but to be sincerely? The worst has passed for now, other still to come and, it’s ok in a way. I’ll fall down and cry and be on the ground for a while as I need, and then take my time to recover and look up and be able to talk about too.

So it may had been I took a blind eye to the world and to the rest of you, but the truth is that I don’t. But it’s hard to discuss when there’s too much pain and hurt inside you. and as much it was egoist of me to focus on myself and turn my back to the world, sometimes is necessary. and I learned that now, sometimes it is necessary to be egoist in reason to get better and it’s ok, as long you do get better and know where are your principles.

Taking the trip made me realize that. It also make me realize that taking a time away for yourself, taking a bit to breathe is ok. That my absence in order to not hurt anyone else might have been a void, but was a void necessary for me. I needed to relearn that taking a time to walk on the grass, to look in the sky, take a breath, to look around and take a moment in life… to do any of that wouldn’t destroy the world or anyone else.

The world wouldn’t end because I needed a break. No one would die because I wasn’t able to finish or accomplish something as I wish, just as no one died so far. the one one who has been dying with all this it had been me, killing myself slowly inside out.

Now I do realize that. I’m still far from recovering, I do realize that and know very well, I still have depression episodes and anxiety attacks often, I’m still on a long way to say I’m alright. Maybe I’m never gonna be 100% fine or sane per say, maybe some part of me will always have anxiety and depression because of my brain or whatever but… I hope in that in my lowest moments I am able to look at this moment where Lullaby wrote this about the real me and I can remember to step down a bit.

I’m 25 now, I celebrated 10 years over giving up on suicide when I was 15, and after that… even if I still have suicidal traces for now and dealing with them, and even if I had a recent episode… I guess I can celebrate and count over again, so in ten year I can celebrate 2 times, right? This may be stupid and sound optimist but really… It’s just me trying to take the needle of good in the pile of garbage this all had been. Doesn’t erase the garbage and all it had been, just... trying to desperately find a little thing useful so I can say it wasn’t all Hell and throw it away like I did with my teenage years.

So this is it. I was absent and I’m recovering, right now I’m trying to get on track of writing and reading again. I am 25, diagnosed with Deep Depression, GAD, I have to take medicine to keep in control. I have to change jobs and hope to do soon. I try as much to listen and comfort everyone and make laughs because the last I want if to anyone else to feel the way I do.

And with that being said, I can breathe out and finally put the last year as it is: the past.

As I always say, let’s prepare for the bad and always hope for the best, and onwards to 2019. :)