#and i really don’t want to screw myself in the long term re: my career

[stonesandswords]

.

[especially-in-heaven]

‘She was Marian’

Let’s talk about Robin Hood shall we,

We’re all here for a reason. We love this show and are so loyal we’re still here are 10 years of no new content (and we have to listen with eye rolls about the Harry potter fandom, and the Merlin fandom suffering without content). And all of us are all really pathetic sentimental people who just can’t let go

This show literally changed me. I’m now doing a television production course because of this damn show, because my 7 year old self when it first came onto my television was blown away by how good this show was. It was my first introduction to complex interesting characters, female heroines and storylines that still amaze me. I’ve now made a vow to myself that I won’t stop my career in television until I get to be part of a new version of a Robin Hood production, because I’ve always been a fan of the legend but since this show I’ve not seen any re-make that compares to this wonder (I’m probably going to be here a long time).

But as I was thinking about what I love about this show, all I could think about was Marian’s death (The scene that broke us all) and how Marian’s character had a big impact on me growing up and my perception of what a woman should be.

And whilst she dies to further a male’s story (BBC I hate you), her death was the reason some of us are still here. Would this show have stuck with us for so long without it? How many of us would be writing fanfiction to improve it? Her death was imperfectly perfect for the fans and keeping us in love with this show.

And okay so I KNOW Robin Hood isn’t exactly teaming with female characters but I was a child at the time I watched this and had no knowledge of the patriarchal society.  But the 2 (let’s not count season 3. Season 3 sucks) female characters they do have, they are perfectly done. Marian is the reason I keep coming back to this show, she was my role-model growing up and no matter how many complaints you have about how the show represented female character, it was nothing but positive for me growing up with it. Calling Marian just headstrong and ‘fiesty’ (which is the most basic thing I could ever call a female character) doesn’t even begin to go into her storyline as a trapped life of a woman in the medieval ages. Stuck between doing what she wants and protecting her family and self. As Aarya Stark says in game of thrones, “The world doesn't just let girls decide what they're going to be”.

Marian is not only a strong female character;

She is vulnerable: the moment Guy finds out she’s the nightwatchman, she is scared. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t shout and get to business like when Robin found her out. She sits there, still. When she must walk out and have her hair cut (one of my favourite scene) she takes it but the tears are in her eyes at the humiliation… and yet still she doesn’t talk about it with Robin when he asks about her hair. She is vulnerable when Gisborne threatens to burn her home and does everything she can to stop him taking it from her 

She is scared: Did you see the quiver of the lip when she saw how she wasn’t going to survive the blow to the stomach, or how she turned to Robin with fear in her lives when she’d been stabbed the first time and says ‘never lie to a dead man’. Or how she fights to escape execution, the look of fear she has when she looks out of the window and sees the hanging rope getting ready for her. She’s not ready.

She is brave: ‘I was trying to be brave’ she tells Robin honestly when Robin asks her how she’s okay with this marriage. She’s brave when she walks down the aisle, she’s brave when she walks out to her execution, and she’s brave when she looks the man she love in the eye and reaches down to the sword to pull it out, making sure his eyes are on her… because she knows no one else will do it for her and she bravely knows she can’t avoid the inevitable.

She is manipulated: Gisborne knows that Edward won’t survive if the Sheriff’s plan to kill all his traitors works in 1x13. But he tells Marian anyway that if she stays and marries him, Edward will be protected. Gisborne waits until she’s most vulnerable to kiss her, after she lost her father – I don’t care about how many Guy/Marian fans are out there… or how many times you compare it to beauty and the beast… just stop promoting an abusive relationship.

She is manipulative: As does she has to be to survive in the castle. She uses Gisborne’s feelings against him to get what she wants, to do what she needs to be done. She tries to control Gisborne by offering to marry him, if he kills the Sheriff. Once again, showing her braveness. She doesn’t want to marry him, but knows the bigger mission and loyalty to the king (a man who really did not deserve this loyalty). The show never sexualised her visually (I mean the only complaints that people have about her outfits are how ugly some of them are – can we please forget that awful jumpsuit) but Marian knew how to use her femininity to her advantage and turned the male gaze around to suit her own needs. Whilst this isn’t a very good trait a woman should be showing to kids who are watching the show that they should use the femininity to get what they want… it’s a reflection of Marian’s character and her survival instinct. And I never said she had all good traits.

She is conflicted: She wants to do good by the poor, but knows the Sheriff won’t allow it and must protect her father. She wants to be free, but knows if she leaves Gisborne at the alter her loyalty will be questioned and her father’s life could be in danger. She also wants to love who she wants to love but Robin keeps doing illegal things (godamn it Robin!), but knows her neck will be on the line if she shows it. Her death scene wraps this up perfectly, her story arc and no matter how much we hate that scene, the writing is so perfect here. Whilst Marian knows she loved Robin before this moment, hearing her say it out loud like she did brings the biggest smile to her face. She no longer cares about the consequences of her saying those words… because now she doesn’t have anything to hide, her father is dead and no longer needs protecting, they know about the nightwatchman and she just wants to be herself. She came once before to being free, just before she marries Gisborne… ‘you really want to know the truth?’, she speaks. But alas Gisborne forces her to marry her instead (fuck you Gisborne). The relief of being herself out loud in 2x13 is what brings that smile on her face. She’s free and no longer conflicted for a split second before Gisborne stabs her.

I think actually, Marian being uncomfortable being in the forest was she didn’t quite understand how to be living there. She had been so used to being in the castle and playing a ‘false life’, in ‘Get carter’ when she runs into the village to save the peasants I felt like it was a sudden expel of all the pent up frustration at living in the castle and finally being free to do what she wants. When she tells Little John ‘I can’t breath in here’, it’s because Robin is suddenly placing restrictions on her again. However, I think this all changed when she sees Gisborne again in the castle and he ‘forbids her to go’, and Marian realises in that moment she can actually walk away. That’s when her feelings about being an outlaw in the forest suddenly turn as she realises for once, there is no pretending.

She is loud: No matter how many men tell her to shut up during council meetings she will still give her opinion. And as much as I love you Edward… please don’t give your daughter a ‘be quite’ look when she says what she wants to say. She’s probably the only person in the world who’ll tell Robin he’s being an idiot (or preferably a ‘fool’). She angrily speaks out when Gisborne doesn’t save lambert and doesn’t hold back despite the fact that he’s her betrothed. This was the first time Guy saw first hand how she won’t turn a blind eye to his wrong doings and it’s probably another reason he fell in love with her.

She is quite: She runs to stop the Sheriff hitting Gisborne (In treasure of the nation) but holds herself back at last second, remembering there’s not much she can do if the Sheriff wants to hit Gisborne. Another example is when Much comes to stop her wedding, she holds herself back from speaking the truth. She also tells Robin that ‘he must do nothing’ when he wants to stop the execution of Will and Allan in 1x01… in this scene, we are reminded that she’s a character whose lived under the Sheriff’s rule for a number of years and we know she’s a character that learns from her environment and how to act to keep the small amount of influence she has, because she knows that her influence as a rich noble woman helping the poor is too important to lose. Perhaps calling her quite isn’t the right term, because it’s not that she’s quiet, she’s screaming inside that the world is wrong. It’s her intelligence that holds her back… something that the sometimes very rash Robin doesn’t have (sorry, Robin)

She is a woman. Or as Robin puts it to Isabella… ‘she was Marian’

My point here is, Marian’s characterisation whilst has its negatives of being stuck in a love triangle with 2 men (screw the love triangles. Every female character in the show for some reason gets stuck in one of these. The show would have been 100% better if the love triangle had still been Djaq/Will/Allan but if Allan and Will were getting it on too… but I suppose you can’t have everything.)/ her death serving to cause angst and being a stereotypical ‘fiesty woman’… she’s so much more. The show never screams ‘feminism’ (they need more female characters for that) but they don’t ever turn her into a mary-sue… Marian’s character is quietly powerful through how they show her very human emotions which I think a lot of TV shows are missing these days. Watching her as a child taught me a woman should fight to be herself and that women can be complex without having to apologise for it. and I love her so very much. #pleaseprotecther

And when I get around to one day making my own stories, I’ll always remember how it was Marian taught me how to write a good/ complex/ human female character (from learning from the mistakes the show made, as well as the perfect choices)

I honestly don’t know what this rant was and if it makes any sense. I just really love Marian and wanted to get her characterisation of my chest… That’s it.

[startenthousand]

I don’t think I’ve talked much about what bullshit work has been this (academic) year on here so here are some cliffs notes. The very, very short version: I am trying to teach a DIFFICULT and COMPLEX subject to students who are, for numerous reasons mostly related to societal and institutional failures, not yet prepared to be successful in that subject. I am scolded by literally everyone (admins, other staff, students) for not magically making all students successful in this subject, and in the cases of a few individuals, actively undermined in my attempts to do so.

Context: 

8th year in education, 5th year teaching, 3rd year at this school. 

School population is highly heterogeneous, has much higher than average ELL & SPED populations, and is also in the district with the worst achievement gap in the nation. 

I teach physics. We have two classes - ostensibly regular and honors, but really watered-down-to-the-point-of-causing-me-pain regular and just-above regular. They have not been aligned at the district level & we have zero guidance as to what standards/learning targets to set, so we’ve been setting them on our own using our best judgement. 

We have been doing an extensive amount of curving grades/extending the grading scale/etc to the point where I honestly don’t want my name connected with some of the grades we’ve given over the past few years, because students were earning Cs in physics when they really didn’t understand or even DO anything. But there’s a lot of pressure to reduce the number of Fs - which has historically been around 25% for first semester in the “regular” class, in part because:

We are not allowed to have prereqs for courses. Students in the “regular” class range from “has not passed a single math or science class in their high school career” to “could be taking the honors class but didn’t want to do the work.” 

Students routinely move between classes as late as the 10th week of the semester. Building classroom culture is nigh-on impossible. Students are moved between courses, sections, and teachers with zero consultation of the teachers.

Discipline is all but non-existent. The district has theoretically been moving to restorative practices, which I’m all for, but in reality they’ve done away with all punitive measures and replaced them with...nothing. It is impossible to enforce any kind of boundaries because there are no consequences for misbehavior until it reaches the level of a physical altercation.

My supervising AP is incompetent (literally no one in the building respects them) and tried to fire me/bully me into quitting my first year.

Also, my mother died less than a year ago. 

A brief summary of relevant events:

Other physics teacher (OPT) wants to try a self-paced, mastery-based learning approach for the regular class for a variety of reasons. I have some reservations but also see the merits so I say sure - we’ve been struggling to adapt more traditional teaching styles to meet the needs of all of our kids.

We revert to a standard (90+ = A, 80+ = B, etc) grading scale for the honors class

The school is looking more closely at supporting our ELLs this year, and notice that many are struggling in physics. OPT and I were aware of this and had been trying to adapt on our own, but gladly start working with a coach to build in more support for those & all students.  

Rather disastrous meeting with head principle & AP wherein OPT & I try to explain our frustrations (students who are NOT READY to learn physics yet) and they somehow think we’re calling them stupid?

Students in the honors class act incredibly rude & entitled, to the point where OPT walks out of class one day, and I can’t even deliver a 5-minute lecture because they’re all talking to each other about what’s on their phones (see above re: behavior/discipline)

Students are caught cheating, sent down to the office because OPT is stressed and can’t handle the situation in a professional manner in the moment (so took the responsible course of “let’s table this conversation until I *can* deal with this). OPT is yelled at and told kids should never be sent out of the classroom.

OPT finds a new job, leaving the field of teaching entirely. Their last day is our first day back after winter break.

I inform my head of department that unless there are some significant changes to the situation, I will be leaving at the end of the year.

I am now left solely responsible for making & justifying grading decisions, etc. based on a pedagogical experiment that was OPT’s idea.

A long-term sub (LST) is hired and starts the second day back after winter break. I do not even learn LST’s name until the evening before. LST has taught physics in private schools in a different state.

Useless AP does NOTHING to facilitate transition - tells LST that OPT will have sub plans for them, but does not ask OPT to make sub plans, etc. I throw some materials at LST and scramble to keep things from being a total disaster.

Coach & I have some meetings with LST to try to figure out what changes to make for second semester. LST does not want to collaborate on anything, in spite of district requirements that we do so for shared courses. LST does not want to make any adjustments to their teaching style to better meet the needs of our kids or at least ease the transition. Kids from LST’s sections are coming to me and complaining about their teaching.

Students BLOW UP AT ME about course policies that have been in the syllabus from day one and have been discussed multiple times throughout the semester. Failure to plan on your part does not constitute and emergency on my part.

Useless AP doesn’t make decisions about schedule changes to the point where I’m still not 100% which/how many sections of which courses I’m teaching and the semester starts in two days.

[TW: mental health, suicide, etc]

I’m a mess. I am overwhelmed and under-supported and I don’t know what to do. Dragging myself into the building is a victory most days. I’m not eating well and sleeping too much. I’m having suicide ideation, which I’ve NEVER had before in my life. I always thought it would be more...depressed, but it’s much more frantic than that - everything is a constant onslaught and it’s unending and I want to violently destroy SOMETHING but I’d feel guilty if I destroyed something external and at least if I destroyed myself I wouldn’t be around to feel the guilt later.

I love my kids and I believe so strongly in what I’m trying to do but I can’t do it under these conditions because NOBODY could do it under these conditions and it’s poisoning everything and I don’t know if I need to leave the district or leave teaching altogether but I don’t want to do either of those things because being a teacher is My Identity and I don’t know who I am if I’m not doing this? I want to keep doing this but like...actually be able to do it. I’m at the point where I feel like I don’t even know what “good teaching” is or looks like because apparently everything I do is insufficient. I honestly just want to hand in a note tomorrow that says “everybody gets a C, I’m out” screw two week’s notice because I can’t handle this.

Meanwhile my therapist’s hours have changed so I’m not going to be able to see her as much and so generally things are just swell. 

[mystomachfeelsawful]

5:47

doing this early this year because I’m procrastinating.

2020 was good to me. I know that sounds really shitty to say, but it really was. I completed two drafts of new plays, acquired some steady teaching work, had my first professional production, started a fund that helped some artists in my hometown, got an HST number from just doing pure theatre work and felt really artistically fulfilled. Strangely enough, a lot of my good fortune started happening once the pandemic started, which is currently baffling to me.

1 - In January, I entered a mediation with a bunch of old classmates and another individual. I can’t legally say what happened in the mediation, but I can say that it had a really profound effect on me. I think I entered the mediation ready to destroy this person and ruin them. But I think somewhere in that, I realized that that wasn’t helpful. It’s always weird thinking back to that time in my life (when I started this tumblr actually!) about how sad I was and how lost I felt and how this person and a few other people really made me feel dreadful. Aside from maybe 2 people in my class, I don’t really connect to anyone from that cohort. But hearing and experiencing closure and learning how to forgive someone face to face, who made me feel like I was worthless felt really impactful. I think I want to enter this decade as a more patient person, especially as I start to engage more with teaching work. That period from 10 years ago taught me about the theatremaker I don’t want to be. So, it’s my responsibility to make space to be the opposite of that - to forgive people when they screw up as opposed to hold it against them and be weird.

2 - I adjudicated the U of T drama festival this year! It took me back to Sears days where I’d do a thing and then wait for feedback from a pro. I found the entire experience super inspiring and I took it pretty seriously. Having come from a really terrible theatre school experience right out of high school, as an educator, it’s really important that I don’t play softball with my students, but also don’t destroy them. I really hope my words gave them confidence as well as things to build upon. I kind of want to be the educator I didn’t have when I originally came to Toronto 10 years ago and only encountered quite recently. There’s also a kind of refreshing lack of cynicism when it comes to student-led/non pro work (more on this later) that I think I’ve been missing in my practise.

3 - I let a group of friends down on a project where I put people in harm’s way.  I didn’t stand up for them when bad things happened. As someone who prides himself on making rooms safe, being on the outside of that situation was disturbing and unacceptable. The experience also taught me something I’ve been learning through my whole “career”. It doesn’t matter how prestiguous the institution is. If you don’t feel safe, if you don’t feel comfortable, if you feel isolated and alone, get out. Career advancement shouldn’t destroy you. Aside from the project itself, the environment of being in a mostly white, aggressively conservative town is something I never want to do again  -no matter the money or how it’ll move you forward. It’s something I want to put into my personal contract to myself. Unflinchingly.

4 - Similarly, I think I need to incorporate this mentality into the projects/people I work with. I’m down to be challenged, but if someone makes me feel terrible about myself/I get a vibe that they don’t really believe in my work, I need to not engage with them. Sometimes I get starstruck, or I try to please or impress people because I fear of what they’ll think of me in the larger community. I think if I have that fear, maybe that relationship isn’t one I want to explore. I want to work with collaborators who get excited about the same shit I’m excited by, who push me to be better, but who want to run with me as opposed to at their pace.

5 - From March to July 2020, I was trapped in Hamilton, Ontario for over 100 days (thank you, Spring Awakening + COVID).  For all of my yammering about how much I loved my hometown in my last post, I was fucking miserable. I have very few friends who currently live in the city, living with two very risk adverse people (as they should be) and feeling like I was trapped in a city that I have complex feelings about was really terrible. I hadn’t been trapped in Hamilton against my will since I got kicked out of Ryerson. From March to May, I was probably the saddest I’d been in a while. I started going to bed at stupid times because I didn’t want to be awake for most of the day. I played a lot of video games, cooked a lot, but creatively I kind of hit a snag. I don’t want to live in Hamilton. I want to create stuff there, but I know I don’t belong in the city. The place has such a weird energy and reminds me of my past failures. It sucks the energy out of me and brings me back to a time where I felt like I had no control over my career and was destined to become a hobbyist in the arts.

6 - During this time, I was sort of kind of busy. I finally made a website, I made a fancy video for a general audition (which actually landed me employment/a relationship with the company!). But most importantly, I think I finally got what Nina was saying. I do have no direction in my career because I’m not applying for things. I’m not reaching out to companies and answering their calls. I haven’t really freelanced. Spring Awakening at HTI, while great for what it was (before we got shut down), was actually an incredibly safe choice. if I really want to do this seriously, why am I not trying to get into pro rooms? Going from festivals to spring was a weird move, but maybe it needed to happen because it made me realize that this isn’t me taking control of my career, this is me taking a step backwards into something I know I can do. When everything re-opens, I do have some gigs lined up, but I want to be aggressive in reaching out to ADs and companies as a director. I never want to be in a situation where I’m trapped in Hamilton with piles of unproduced plays again. I want to get out there and hunt for producing opportunities. Being trapped made me realize that I’d kind of always been trapped and just floating by.

7 - June was kind of a saving grace. Somewhere in the mire of the pandemic, York University came a calling and wanted to commission a new play for their 2020/2021 season. I initially found this really daunting - the plays I’d been working on in the past few years had taken years to write and had led nowhere. My writing lately had been pretty sloppy and well....bad. I said yes, though, because I figured it’d keep me busy. This project kind of made my whole year. Having a dramaturg who wanted to jive with me and build on my ideas was something I hadn’t been engaged with in a long time. Having a team be really excited about the work I was putting out was also kind of thrilling and a novel experience (the last solo written play I’d put up was over 4 years ago). Getting paid a real wage as a playwright for production was something I’d never experienced before. I’m dangerously proud of HAGS, as it made me realize that I can actually write plays and get them put up. That yes, it’s important to take your time, but I can actually be produced and produced on someone else’s terms and timeline. 

8 - June also led to the birth of the Garden Project, an initiative created to not only challenge the benign racism of Hamilton’s regional theatre, but also to actually get people in the city paid. Alongside a team of 6 producers, we raised $18000 dollars in a VERY short amount of time. We also gave that money out almost immediately, which was great. If Aquarius won’t do something, we will. We were also called racists for doing the project, which was hilarious. Never change, Hamilton.

9 - Myself, Senjuti and Claire took on Aquarius over what seemed like an endless summer of back and forth emails. I don’t know if anything will change, but we were able to hold a theatre publicly accountable and pressure them into not hiring another man who gaslights his accusers. I will also admit that my participation in this crusade is highly influenced by the fact that this will not effect my career in the slightest. I don’t work professionally in the city. They can’t hurt me.

10 - Arriving back in Toronto as I finished the Ministry of Mundane Mysteries was probably one of the most touching things that happened to me this year. Standing on the balcony during the summer and hearing Hadestown blast over a phone speaker to me was like coming home in a real way. I belong in this city. This is where I want to make work.

11 - Alongside a production draft of HAGS, I finished a full draft of PING! Loads of issues and work to do, but it feels like a step in a more personal direction. Most importantly, I actually did the thing. After giving up on a project I���ve been working on for 4 years, PING feels like a new direction for me, one grounded in my own experiences, interests and fears.

12 - I started running! This deserves it’s own post because it’s to hold myself accountable. I still hate sweating, but doing physical exercise is something I want to keep going post pandemic. 

13 - I’m, um, directing Shakespeare maybe next year. We’ll see how that goes. 

14 - I guess my final thoughts for 2021 are to keep pushing myself to apply for things I don’t think I’m ready for (NOT ADing), to stop waiting for things to happen to me and to take the same charge of my career post pandemic that I did pre-pandemic. Aside from the nightmare of the pandemic, 2020 was a rejuvenating year that made me realize that I’m still capable of doing this on all fronts. Whether that be new play creation, working as an educator with One Song Glory, York University, Hart House and UTM, directing stuff or just learning how to be accountable for things and supporting young, exciting artists, I want to be the theatremaker I looked up to 10 years ago. One I didn’t have at Ryerson.  And I feel I’m doing that.

VIDEO GAMES (I PLAYED A LOT. In order.)

1 - Last of Us Part 2 - I will defend this game to the end of time. This game made me a better person and really taught me about empathy, forgiveness, but most importantly that you can don’t have to like someone to forgive them. I feel a lot of gamers missed the point with this one, or didn’t want to engage with Abby for their own reasons, which is fine. But a character doesn’t have to be likeable to be well written. The game is structured so you don’t consider her perspective until you hate her guts, which is kind of how life works. In this essay I will.... 

2 - Hades - Hades is the most fun I’ve made in a game in a really, really, really long time. Addictive gameplay, an ever evolving story and incredible re-playability makes it something I keep going back to for 4 hour bursts (the time really flies by!). Hades is a game where I thought about it when I wasn’t playing it. Radical.

3 - Night in the Woods - Is one of the best written games I’ve ever played. Super nuanced, really well written, I had to stop playing to be like, damn, this is good. The music also slaps.

4 - Crash Bandicoot 4 - is old school platforming done right. Really hard levels. twitch controls. Gorgeous design. Loads of collectables.

5 - Wide Ocean Big Jacket - is a 2 hour adventure game that’s cute, sweet, really well written, and a great game to play with buds.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Moonlighter, The Witcher 3, Cyberpunk 2077 (IS FINE. Everyone is mad.), Control, Yakuza 0 (just started. Really dig it!), Detroit: Become Human

DISAPPOINTMENTS: Wandersong (I didn’t like the art. I know this is super weird, but the art style didn’t click for me and made me disengage from the game), Spider-man (the gameplay was dull for me and Peter doesn’t really grow or change), Banner Saga (I just can’t get into the gameplay or the UI).

PLAYS (not in order)

1 - Oil

2 - 4inxchange

3 - kitne saare laloo yahan pey hain

4 - Ministry of Mundane Mysteries

5 - Heroes of the Fourth Turning 

HM - Deer Woman, Karen Hines’ nightmare Windsor Play 

TV SHOWS/MOVIES (not in order)

1 - Haikyuu 

2 - Queen’s Gambit 

3 - Survivor Season 40

4 - Run with the Wind

5 - The Platform

HM’s: Encore! Never Have I Ever, High School Musical 2, Fast and Furious 6, Bad Boys as a franchise

Disappointments: The entire Twilight Saga, Triple X as a franchise, High School Musical 1+2

Hoping for a vaccine in April, but like, lol.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Evading eternal gloom and chaos in general | November Goals Update

Hey People of Earth!

Today is December 1st. Which means, November (death) is over, and I can officially restart life during Christmas break in 21 days. November as a whole was much better than October (so much, we don't even compare the two) which is strange, as November is the month of death usually because school gets crazy. Regardless, I’m very pleased that I somehow evaded eternal gloom (for the most part) in November.

Some cool things happened this month, including two university open houses in two different locations in Ontario (London + Windsor = two road trips, two weekends in a row), that high school dance life (my first hs dance when ur last year is next year and this is the first social occasion you’ve attended haaaa lol rip) and Literally The Worst Case Of Writer’s Block Ever I Kid You Not. (Which I will definitely go into in this month’s writing update!)

Overall, November was this very chaotic amalgamation of busy, but cumulatively, was pretty darn memorable. Darn.

Onto the goals.

(Also, I don't know if I’ve ever explained this in recent years, but I work with goals in a very strange way. As in, I don't really work with them, as in, I write these posts every month with goals, then never refer to them for the entire month, then come back a month later ?? and ?? for some ?? reason this ?? works ?? it’s also very entertaining to laugh at my failures is that morbid that I enjoy this very much oh no)

(I enjoy writing these posts a lot though, they give me some time to reflect on the last 30 or 31 days I’ve lived and they act as a great routine. :))

Anywhoozies, onto the things I did and mostly did not do:

1. Hit 15k in FOSTERED #6

So. Let’s just talk about this goal very briefly, shall we. As I mentioned above, November and I did not get along in terms of writing, as in, November served me a big ol’ slice of Writer’s Block and left me to choke on it. I wasn't really expecting this block to be so severe, but it was a thing, and it was very real. I mentioned this in DtWT #66, and I know writer’s block is controversial (some people thinks it’s a bullshit excuse, some people don't care, some people strongly believe in it, etc). I stand on the side of ‘in creative fields, every artist is bound to run into some form of a challenge at some point in their career’. As a creative person, I've experienced tons of creative block. In some cases, yes, this block is caused by fear, lack of ideas, sometimes procrastination, but ohhhh myyy, November’s writer’s block was none of these things.

Initially, it was straight up fear, I’ll admit that. I was just starting this book, didn't want to screw up the beginning of the *very last* book, couldn't piece together ideas that I thought were good even though @sarahkelsiwrites​ was very honest about them and had good feedback, etc, etc. I would say the first week and a half of this block were straight-up fear based. And then weeks 2 + 3 came and it sort of wasn't anymore. I wasn't scared to write this book because at this point, I was pretty fed up with my moping and fear, and just wanted to get some words out.

*and then the words stopped coming and they just stopped coming*

(which isn't entirely the truth, but let me elaborate)

In this time period, I was still writing. I was still hitting my 250 goal almost every single day, and there wasn't one day I didn't go about writing, or go about figuring out how to go about writing. To me, writer’s block doesn't mean I’m not writing. It just means there’s this disconnect that prevents me from immersing myself into my work, thus holding me back from creating the best thing I possibly can, OR making me think I’m creating something of unsubstantial standards. Does this make sense.

So yes, I was very out of it, and I really do think this block was triggered by fear, and once I got over that fear, lingered. BUT I’m doing MUCH better now, let’s not jinx this, AKA I hit 15 587 words this month and when I made this goal literally didn't think I would haaaa bless.

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

No. lol. So. I’m going to count this as a half win, because I did complete this goal, but not by much. In October’s post, I mentioned I wanted to go through this outline to see if I could possibly shift some of them into the POV of my boi Matthew. This novel is narrated by Chris, and while I love my girl, something was missing from the story, and so I was like, yanno, screw it, let’s see if I can find some chapters to give to Matt just for the hell of it. Overall, I found about 12 or so chapters I could give to him (excluding new ideas that I haven't gotten, but yes), which is pretty good. Not sure I even want to do this dual POV thing, but I mean, I worked on the outline sort of so. (I really need to get on top of this thing I’ve been outlining it for like a year oops.)

3. Upload cover making video

So abridged version of this disclaimer: basically, my hard drive died on me this month, it had all the footage for all my upcoming YouTube vids, including all the speedpaints and cover making vids, lol sigh back up your stuff kids, didn't listen to myself, rip my data, you will be missed (didn’t lose anything personal and my documents are always protected because they’re the most important) SOOO that happened. HOWEVERRR, this is not an excuse for why I did not finish this goal because I literally had another cover making video exported and ready on my computer BUUUUT I’m vERYyyY extra and wasn't liking how my THUMBNAIL was coming out so yesterday when I was scrambling to actually get this goal done because good job time management, was like yo okay imma redo this tomorrow, and so here’s the thumbnail:

And here’s the ugly shit it was before:

AND ACTUALLY, the only reason I never got this vid up like I dunno THREE WEEKS AGO WHEN IT WAS READY, was because of this THUMBNAILLLL WHICH HAS BEEN LIKE A 2 WEEK PROCESS.

(why do I take these things so seriously)

(this thumbnail took me longer to make than the goddamn book cover)

(I digress so sorry for that rant)

(th u mb n a il)

I did get the video up today, though, and you can watch it right here:

4. Read a book yo.

I actually did this, lol. I finished Kristen Martin’s Shadow Crown this month and started History of Wolves by Emily Fridlund, but I’ve been reading that one at school and like, so far, I’m getting the vibe that I need some hardcore tea and snow and a fire log and some peace and quiet to just appreciate this book because so far I’ve read it in math class and while I do enjoy my math class, i’m getting the feeling this book ain’t no math class aesthetic. (so, the answer is, no I didn't finish this book, but yes, I really really want to because i’m liking it a lot so far and the voice is nice as fuuuuuuuuh and dooooon’t get me started on the writing clapz for dayz)

5. Finish another character portrait

I actually did four portraits this month, two of which are Christmas gifts so I can’t share those at the moment, but here’s one I did of @sarahkelsiwrites​’ character Simon:

(and you can watch the speedpaint HERE)

And then one I did of Quinn, my MC for THIS IS WHERE THE END STARTS:

(which might be my favourite piece of art and you can watch the speedpaint HERE)

6. Find and finalize an ALANNIS epigraph

I dunno why this is still a goal because I’m literally not going to do it if I’m hardly working on the darn outline, but yes, no, fail.

7. Work on FOSTERED #5′s book cover

Epic fail, XD. I don't like the design of the re-designed FOSTERED covers, but for the sake of consistency, I’m going along, and that's serving for some unenthusiastic cover designing but I do need to get this done so I can order copies. (WHICH, by the way, I have a new copy of I’M DISAPPOINTED to order, a copy of my sister’s novel, A HAPPINESS TO WONDER, a copy of my novelette sort of thing THE TREATED and on top of this FOSTERED #5, you can totally call me cheap for realllyyyy not wanting to pay for that shipping twice, lol. Point is, I’ll be doing an unboxing because those are literally my favourite videos ever and I’ve watched every single one on YouTube no lie. ;))

So those were the goals. Finished 4ish/almost5 out of 7 goals this much which is pretty ass, but the ones I didn't finish (with the exception of one AKA THE OUTLINE) weren't super important. Some shtuff I’d like to get done in December:

1. Hit 25k in FOSTERED #6 (aka REWIRED)

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

COME ONNNN

(it’s literally been so long since I actually outlined this book)

3. Upload a video

4. Read a book yo.

I really do doubt I’ll get this one done, but it’d be real nice.

5. Finish another character portrait

7. Work on FOSTERED #5′s book cover

Probably also won’t finish this oneeee haaaheeaahahe

8. Make a character aesthetic

(this is sort of a cop out because I have to make one for Lonan this month since his birthday is on the 9th and for those birthday posts I need one but also I've been telling myself to do this since the start of November and ohhh noo I’m running out of time oops)

So that’s it for now, folks. I hope your November was great. :) Keep an eye out for the monthly writing update! That’s it for now, thanks for reading!

--Rachel

[cosmosogler]

today i... got up really late! because i stayed up pretty late!

my brother came in my room yesterday at 1:30 am and asked why i wasn’t sleeping yet. i told him i was too tired to sleep. he said “that doesn’t make any sense.” it was around 2 before i actually got in bed. and i had to get up during the night once or twice.

something interesting happened in my dream last night. i was in a town in the hills. the houses were all pretty nice architecture-wise, but they all seemed kind of cramped space-wise. anyway something came up and i was supposed to get on a plane to “japan.” i lamented that i had not fully charged my gameboy, because that was a really long flight and my batteries don’t last very long. and then i stopped and stood there for a minute while i tried to figure out how long the flight would be. i realized i didn’t know where on earth this dream was taking place. it kept me a little occupied for the rest of the dream even as things started happening again and i had to run.

usually my brain plays it kind of fast and loose with location in my dreams. it’s hard to tell how far apart places REALLY are when i have the crawl spaces to get around with. sometimes i’m on a plane for “five days” but it’s never as long as staying in one place for “five days.” sometimes i get the feeling that time has passed but i won’t know why or how much or what happened while i wasn’t paying attention. it’s like when you zone out of a conversation for a few seconds and when you have the energy to start paying attention again the topic has changed and you’re totally lost but people are asking for your opinion.

those dreams turn into long confusion/frustration meditations on the nature of forgetting and memory and how that affects your perception of time and why i have to do my schoolwork and i can’t just skip ahead to the end of the year. 

anyway. i got up at 10:30. i spent the morning and some of the afternoon reading a bunch of tabs i had open last night that i didn’t get around to. i was looking at geek culture feminism! it’s demoralizing. builds character. or something.

but like... these are issues i’m going to have to deal with on any team or working for any company. i need to have some idea of how to approach the problems beforehand. i want to make informed decisions about my career and how i’m going to interact with the many, many men in it. and knowing common derailing tactics is helpful, even when there’s not really a way to combat them directly.

i had lunch at like 1:30. we have a tub of aunt sharon’s salsa leftover from the party. she always makes like a gallon. i poured a full bowl of it and went to town with the tortilla chips. i got sick but man i could eat that salsa until i explode. i’m gonna ask her for the recipe tomorrow. 

around 5 mom came to collect eve for her dinner. i went downstairs and had to encourage eve to eat. she got through most of her bowl... she really wasn’t interested though. when we took the dogs outside to go look at the monsoon on the horizon mom noticed that eve’s leg is raw and bleeding from the chewing. she told me she has gauze. so when the dogs came inside we settled eve on the mattress in the living room and bandaged up her leg. eve actually didn’t object which makes me think she’s not getting any sensory input from the leg any more other than “OH GOD WHY???????” she’s put her nose against the bandage a few times but hasn’t tried to nibble on it or take it off. 

if it gets infected before friday she’s going to get sick and that’ll make the surgery more dangerous.

it’s hard to, like, look at her and imagine she’s going to spend the last chunk of her life with three legs. she’s had four legs for the ten years i’ve known her and the three years before that. but honestly she’d had the tumor(s) for like four years now, which is almost a third of her entire life. it was gonna happen. she hasn’t been symmetrical for a long time anyway.

my parents went out on a date. so i started listening to the adventure zone. at 6:30 i got up and made myself some spaghetti for dinner. mother recently bought spicy tomato sauce so i was excited to drown out every other flavor with parmesan. after dinner i listened to another 45-ish minutes of the first episode, took a break for a while, and then came back to it. and then i listened to the second episode and then it was a little after 11. 

purely audio media is really hard for me... i can only focus on one thing at a time and if my eyes have nothing to look at i get anxious. i talked about it with asher a bit. so i found a compromise: i fished for bottle caps while listening to the podcast. since that takes minimal attention and basically no reading i could devote my “reading” brain to keeping up with the story. 

it happens in class too sometimes. if the teacher isn’t writing on the board i sometimes zone out for just a few seconds and lose track of the lecture. and then i can’t go back and re-hear what just happened so i spend a while struggling to figure out if i’ve heard that term before or not and what it means, or what the name of the equation is, or whatever. but if the teacher is just reading a book passage aloud and i can follow along then i COMPLETELY lose track of the lecture and any anecdotes the professor adds. because i read way faster than i listen and reading always takes priority over sound. 

maybe that’s because i grew up doing homework while the tv was on? unsure.

anyway that’s about my day and it’s only 12:10!!! so if i don’t screw around for an hour and a half, i could go to bed at a reasonable hour.

tomorrow i gotta call the university again to figure out how my finances are gonna work. i will fill up the office’s voicemail boxes if i need to. this is like the third time i haven’t been called back. it’s nerve wracking to try to balance “not asking hard enough” with “asking too hard.” i’m annoyed that the school has put me in the position of nagging anxious freshman. they’re giving me the run around and i don’t like having to make a million phone calls. nau always gave me the run around too. it was hard to get anything done when i had to contact fifteen different people but i only had the energy to make nine phone calls that day/week or whatever. 

[houseofvans]

Art School | Sophie Roach (Austin, TX)

Drawing and painting her way through an imaginative landscape of intricate and visual entanglements is Austin native, Sophie Roach.  Her artwork has endlessly covered  surfaces from– guitars, beer cans, Vans, to entire rooms.  And if that isn’t already insanely rad, her organic approach and laid back attitude make her not only incredibly humble, but also a super awesome collaborator.  While finishing up one mural and starting up new projects, we had the chance to ask Sophie a few questions about her art, her career, and her approach – from finding her voice, attacking a mural, to digging the quietude one might find as a mail person hah!  

Photographs courtesy of the artist. 

Introduce yourself.  

My name is Sophie Roach and I'm an artist/illustrator/muralist based in Austin, TX! I grew up in Austin, went to college in Seattle, then I scooted back to my hometown as quickly as I could after graduating in 2011.

As a self taught artist, how did drawing take shape and become what you do- did it start as a hobby or random habit? 

I was a total jock growing up, not an artsy kid at all. I started drawing when I was 20. At first it was in the margins of my lecture notes, eventually I gave up on the note-taking part. I’m only a good student when I feel like whatever I’m learning will be applicable to life outside the classroom. For me, since I didn’t have a career in mind, that was around 5% of my in-class experience so I wound up drawing a whole lot. By the time I graduated I was interested in doing something creative, possibly graphic design, but I didn’t think that those doodles would be a part of my career until about a year later.

What did your early drawings look like and / or did they evolve into what they are now?  How did you find your particular voice in your art? 

They looked like anyone’s notebook doodles. I’ve had depression and anxiety issues since I was a kid and I found that the meditative, time-intensive work helped me deal with that. I became obsessed with drawing and my skills evolved  quickly as a result. I didn’t know I was looking for my voice until I stumbled upon it in early 2012. Making art was always fun, but once I hit upon a style that felt like my own, I knew I was totally screwed. I had to make it work full-time.

In terms of influences, artistically and in general, what are they and how do they influence the work you make now?

I love the utility of Milton Glaser’s decorative design work, Keith Haring’s visual language, and Sol LeWitt’s ability to make minimalism totally overwhelming with his installations. I love the sincerity in Keith Shore and Nathaniel Russel’s work. I love the bold abstract nature in the work of Blexbolex and in old polish posters and book covers. I’m sure that these things that I love make their way into my work but I don’t spend much time thinking about where my inspiration comes from. I focus more on positioning myself to receive it by taking long walks, traveling to new places, reading books, and simply paying close attention to my surroundings.

You’ve worked with various mediums and from small to super large. Take us through the preparation and thought process when you work in large scale?  What is your planning like and do you find yourself drawn to creating more large scale works?

Step 1: Develop a loose concept (vague organization and goals for the piece) Step 2: Determine appropriate materials for scale and location Step 3: Pencil out boundaries for linework based on loose concept Step 4: Start drawing. Sometimes sticking to the initial pencil marks, more often making up new stuff as I go. Step 5: Have imposter moment. “Oh my god why did I agree to do this, this looks dumb, the result is going to look dumb, I don’t have the skills to make this look good and everyone can tell.”  With murals, you have to complete the ugly parts of the process in front of people. It’s a little nerve-wracking. Step 6: Stop whining, get back to work Step 7: Once the linework is complete it’s time to color Step 8: Go back through and re-draw lines near the color sections Step 9: Usually jalapeño, pepperoni, pineapple pizza

To be honest, I found little joy in the mural process when I first started. Now that I have a few murals under my belt I find it hard to work on small scale pieces. It's very satisfying to work large scale. I feel like each office/commercial/public mural is practice for the immersive installations that I'm dreaming up for the future.

What’s something you don’t think folks might not know about an artist or being a “working artist”?  

I used to think that I wasn’t a real artist because I rarely show work in galleries and I don’t like sitting in my studio all day. I make art full time but at the moment my work is more appropriate for commercial design-y projects and murals. I don’t feel restricted in the commercial art realm because I’m strict about retaining my voice and most clients are cool with that due to it’s abstract nature. Because I pay my rent with commercial work, I get to have a lot of fun with the works on paper. I don’t think you can feel totally free when making things for the “fine art” world unless you don’t care whether you get a financial return for your energy.

Your work is filled with details and patterns – how do you decide which pattern goes where? Do you have a running sheet of various patterns and shapes constantly running through your mind? 

I just go with my gut. There are rules for organization that I'm constantly making and breaking throughout my process. I don't think I could put the rules into words but I can feel them when I'm working. I do have shapes and shape combos that are vaguely representational of real life things, but its not always obvious. I want it to be apparent that a method exists within the madness but I don’t care how decipherable it is.

Top 3 bands while you’re drawing? These days: -Alex Cameron -Lucy Dacus -King Krule

Albums get old fast because I have headphones on for most of my waking life. I always have something playing because I find that I can control my fatigue with different types of music/audiobooks/podcasts. I've developed a self-regulating listening process when I'm working. If I'm having trouble concentrating on the work, I turn on an audiobook or podcast and focus on that. If I'm having trouble keeping up with the talky stuff, I turn on music and focus on the work. Then there are more ways that I decide what kind of music makes sense for what I'm working on or how I'm feeling.

What is the most asked question you get on social media?  Shall we lay it to rest once and for all? ha

Anytime I post a process video I get tons of comments, DMs, and emails asking about my materials. I think materials are important and I’ve spent a lot of time and money finding the right tools to achieve the aesthetic that I want. I know people don’t mean any harm when they ask, but I can’t help but cringe when I get the pen question for the 10000th time.

That said, here are my favorite tools: Rotring Rapidograph Pens Copic Markers Smooth bristol paper Molotow empty paint markers Golden High Flow Acrylic in Carbon Black

What do you think you would have been doing if not for art?  

My alternate reality fantasy job is to be a mail woman oddly enough. The concept of putting things in their appropriate boxes is really soothing to my Virgo/OCD brain. Plus, I love that I'd be able to work alone, walk a lot, and constantly have my headphones in. It's basically what I do now but without all the challenges and angst, ha.

What’s your big dream? What kind of work do you want to be making in fifteen years? 

Over the next few years I’d like to expand my style into 3D form and eventually design a compound of buildings a la Antoni Gaudi, Friedensreich Hundertwasser, Niki de Saint Phalle, and St. EOM. I’d love for it to have a function as well. Maybe a hotel or event space. Maybe a waterpark.

What are your favorite Vans? and why? I was able to keep one of the 50 pairs of shoes that I hand customized for a Vans/iamsound event in Austin in 2013. It was one of my first collaborations with a brand that I actually cared about and it showed me what kind of projects were available for artists in the commercial realm. I used to wear them all the time but now I keep the pair on a shelf in my studio as a memento.

What’s the best and worse advice you’ve gotten in regards to art? (if any)

I try to put all of the good and bad advice in the same pile in my head. Then I generally ignore that pile. People are always telling what I "should" do. I used to make an effort to do all of those things because it's a lot easier and less scary compared to coming up with ideas on my own. Turns out there are plenty of great ideas that just don't light my fire. I'm learning to trust my gut.

However there is one bit of helpful advice that I heard in a documentary a long time ago. I don't remember what it was called or who the artist was but he said that his best advice for young people who want to make art for a living is to QUIT NOW. When things get hard I tell myself to quit, then I remember that I can't. I need to make stuff! Then I get back to work.

What do you have coming up for 2017? What’s your next project or show people should know about?

I'm continuing to focus on murals this year. So far almost all of my installations have been in Austin so I’m stoked to have projects scheduled around the country in 2017. Best way to keep up with what I'm doing is to follow me on Instagram.

Follow Sophie Roach:

Website: www.sophieroach.com Instagram: @Sophieroach 

[spellburst-archive]

something i’ve been thinking about.

This doesn’t necessarily pertain to here or anything, but rather my youtube channel and the future of it, and I just really needed somewhere to get my thoughts out without a character limit.

So as some if not most of you already know, I have a youtube channel that I have been uploading daily content to for the past seven months almost, but I’ve been on youtube for three years now all together. Youtube has been my job for two of those years, and in more recent days (like, the past month or so) I’ve been thinking more long term with things and what I really want to do with my life. While youtube is fun and it’s a great pass time, I don’t think I want to do it as my job anymore.

A while back, before I even thought about doing youtube (hell, before I even played the sims, heyooo) I was originally going to go in and get my CNA so that I could not only have a job, but a career. Something that I’d genuinely like doing while also being able to support myself. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up getting screwed out of being able to take the classes, so I was left with nothing, job wise. But now, I found out that my local community college offers CNA classes, but they don’t exactly come cheap. It’s something that I’m going to have to work towards, but I will make it happen (hopefully within the next couple months).

So how does this pertain to youtube? Basically, it’s getting to where I just flat out don’t want to do it anymore. While it’s fun, yes, it’s also getting quite aggravating and disheartening to put so much effort into something like a 25 minute video (remember, this is a daily thing, people. that’s a lot of work) and have 90% of that effort go to waste because people click out of the video before it’s even half way finished. To those that actually watch my videos from start to finish, you have my undying gratitude and you’re the real MVP.

It’s also disheartening realizing that, at my current view count and watch time, youtube isn’t a good way to support myself. Especially with only getting paid once a month. And with the whole thing going on with the site and so many advertisers pulling their ads, I’m beginning to lose revenue on an already dwindling paycheck. I think this is my ultimate last straw that made me start re-evaluating my life choices and what I want to do. For the past couple years since it became my job, I’ve basically been “living on a prayer” for lack of better words, and just hoping that it would take off. Which it hasn’t. Not in a “I can pay for my rent, bills, groceries etc. and still have money to myself” kind of way, at least.

So what does this mean for my current LPs? Most definitely I’m going to be finishing Supernatural. That’s my baby and I’ve put so much time and effort into the story line of it. Plus, it’s six parts away from being finished and I’m not about to just leave it hanging. As for everything else, I’m hoping to bring everything over to twitch and just stream when I’m able to/when I want to. Especially the Not So Berry challenge, considering I’m only one part in and it would be a lot easier. 

I’m still going to be around, especially here on tumblr and also on twitter, because those are my main social medias. I’m sorry, to those of you who genuinely like my channel and look forward to my uploads. I’ve met so many amazing people through youtube and have made so many friends. Youtube brought me out of my shell in ways that I never thought could happen, and I’ll always be grateful for that and those that supported me. And who knows, this might not even be a permanent thing. I might just decide to start uploading at a later date again. If you’ve known me for more than five minutes, you’ll also know I’m extremely indecisive and can’t hardly stick to anything I say (oops).

But, for now, that’s what currently going on and that’s where I’m at mentally with the whole situation. Uploads could be slim to none, or they could continue to be daily for a while. We’ll just have to wait and see. To those of you that read this entire long ass thing, I applaud you and also apologize for wasting your time, lol

[orsfri]

Fortune, or THE window-cleaner drabble

When things go wrong, people tend to cheer themselves up by shrugging their shoulders and going, "Ah, but there's always someone else more unlucky than me. It can be worse."

And it can be so much worse. Following by that logic, the people of the world can be arranged in a linear order of the luckiest to the most unfortunate, and somewhere at the very end, the last of the 7 billion humans on earth, is the most unlucky, most damned, miserable, pathetic, loser in the world.

Which is why sometimes, when things get tough, Gilbert closes his eyes and mutters a quick prayer to the Unluckiest Person in the World, whoever they may be. Hello, sir. Thanks, human, for making me feel vaguely less shitty about myself by having a much tougher life than me. Thank you for bringing down the bell curve of humanity, for giving standards a new low, for bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It's hard, though, not to wonder if he is the Unluckiest Person in the World when his days get especially shit.

"I'm really sorry," the window cleaner calls, still dangling in the air. Apparently, his rope is not long enough to lower him to the ground.

Gilbert shrugs. The action flicks more water in the air. He tries to feel angry, but having cold, stale, soapy water accidentally dumped on you while on your way to a job interview is simply so much bad luck that really, he's just resigned. He peels off his suit and shakes it. The water drips in heavy dollops. 

"Give me a moment!" The window cleaner yells again, quickly ascending. His colleague snorts, and salutes Gilbert pitifully. "Please!"

There is nothing Gilbert can do, anyway, so he stands there, shivering and dripping and fucking humiliated on a sidewalk, with curious passers-by giving him glances before they walk on.

"Bad day?" the window cleaner asks, frowning nervously when he finally reaches Gilbert. His body looms and his shoulder spans are so wide Gilbert wonders if he has a past career in wrestling. "I was resting a little, before - before the accident, and I saw you walking down the street. You look sad."

Gilbert doesn't even know where to start - which is kind of ironic, if he thinks about it. He shrugs again.

"Uh," the window cleaner begins again, clearing his throat. "I have some spare clothes in my bag. For accidents, when we knock over the water - on ourselves, not on other people. It hardly happens, but. Accidents." The flush along his cheekbones becomes increasingly red. "I'm so sorry." 

What Gilbert wants to do, is to tell the window cleaner to shut up, it's ok, get me those clothes - my life is already enough of a mess anyway. But he can't, and his silence is apparently being misinterpreted as anger, as the window cleaner's eyes widen in desperation. "Please don't sue me. Boss can write a former apology letter, if necessary. We can discuss terms, pay reparations for your suit, help you washed it, or -" His voice starts getting smaller the longer Gilbert remains mum. "- Or something?"

Gilbert takes a moment to wonder if he likes being an asshole, and decides that yes, he does, but just not this time; so he sighs, points to his mouth, and shakes his head.

"Oh," says the window cleaner.

Then Gilbert holds his palm to his throat, and balls his hand into a fist. Then he raises his other hand, and makes a slicing motion onto his fist.

"Oh."

Gilbert nods. The thing is, it hasn't even been a year since the surgery. He hasn't even learnt sign language. The loss of his voice still smarts, like a freshly-dried wound that is opened again and again. 

Gilbert braces himself for the inevitable apologies that always comes after, even though there is no reason for them and no sincerity in them anyway. The window cleaner opens his mouth, closes it, bites his lips, then finally says, "Um, so does that mean you are not angry?"

Gilbert blinks. Then he gapes, because who the fuck cares about Gilbert feeling angry when he just revealed some highly personal loss to a total stranger - what, what type of screwed-up prioritising is that? When the window cleaner looks alarmed again, Gilbert flaps his hands and shakes his head. 

"Oh," says the window cleaner. Gilbert is starting to suspect that's the window cleaner's favourite word. "Oh. That is good." He shuffles on the spot. "I'll go get the spare clothes then."

He rushes back in and then, after a second thought, pulls Gilbert into the office tower with him. Gilbert is ushered to the closest restroom while the window cleaner heads off, and returns with a grey duffel bag. 

The shirt manages to fit awkwardly, even if it makes him look like he's wearing pajamas, but the pants - it keeps on slipping off. He feels like a teenage fuckboy. He definitely looks like one.

The window cleaner smiles apologetically, and turns to leave. Gilbert catches him by the arm. The window cleaner freezes, and Gilbert spends a few frenzied seconds searching for his phone before he remembers it is in the pocket of his wet trousers, now neatly folded but still damp and crinkled in a plastic bag. 

Gesticulating it is, then. He releases his grip. Re-turn, Gilbert mouths slowly. He points to his shirt, then points back at the window cleaner. How. 

Gilbert must have been pretty good at enunciating words silently - that, or the window cleaner is good at lip-reading, because he quickly scourges his pocket for a name-card and a pen. He scribbles something on the back of the card before passing it over.

Gilbert traces the edge and feels the pulpy texture of the card presses against his finger. The front is a generic company name-card, and the back, in huge loopy but almost illegibly slurred handwriting, is the words Ivan, and a string of numbers.

"My name is Ivan," the window cleaner says, "and the number at the back is my phone number. You can text me, after."

Gilbert nods slowly. It's a sudden whim, and it's probably weird, because people don't usually do this to people they just met, but damn it, Gilbert's life sucks enough anyway: he has nothing to lose. He reaches out to grab Ivan's wrist (and wow, that is some huge bone-structure he has there) and flips it over. Then, on Ivan's open palm, he traces out his name with the tip of his finger, ignoring the strangely fuzzy way it feels when calluses rub together.

"G...I...L," Ivan begins, eyebrows furrowing. "B... F - no, E. Ah. Gilbert?"

Gilbert nods.

Ivan smiles again, a mild curve of the lips, and Gilbert decides he likes that smile when it sneaks out, unbidden and sincere instead of polite. "It's nice to meet you, Gilbert." 

[raquelong038776-blog]

Money & Careers Articles.

These are the 5 very most typical errors article writers create on Fiverr that can be prevented through simply permitting folks recognize just what you are capable of carrying out. The 3rd popular auto fixing oversight cars and truck managers create is certainly not being actually available for conversation along with the technician worrying the repair service method. Poor choices or even flawed procedures can at times cause blunders, yet that doesn't suggest that every bad result is an error. As opposed to splashing around on the oversight you've made, pay attention to what you may do to repair the problem. This is very important as well as must be meticulously taken into consideration when designing a training plan particularly created you, and as your physical body and bodily condition improvements thus should your system. Anybody which has ever before possessed the courage to walk out in to the globe and perform one thing understands there are actually merely 2 type of errors: ones our team can easily recover off as well as ones our experts could not bounce back coming from. To find the most ideal solutions to oversights when putting in marble flooring tiles mentioned in this particular write-up, you can possibly do therefore right here. As well as consistently, ONE HUNDRED% from the time, I created the evaluation costs back in renegotiations along with the homeowner. This is consistently smart to find out and also remedy the errors just before the ultimate accounts for the year are actually created. The next oversight a bunch of people bring in is actually that they don't offer on their own the consent to become that they intend to be. A bunch of people possess goals regarding who they wish to be actually as well as they could also fill in front of the looking glass and envision being actually a soft and really great individual often, I presume this would certainly be actually very certain to point out that practically everyone has fantasized regarding a condition where they took care of everything flawlessly and conserved the time. For technical calculations, a party might manage to reserve the agreement on these premises delivered that the various other event carries out certainly not aim to make use of the error, or even 'take up' the provide (entailing a deal that performed not intend to make, revealed through an error in calculation etc.). This will certainly be found through an objective standard, or if an acceptable individual will be able to know that the error will not make good sense to among the celebrations. That's why most contestants (and dieters) find yourself getting back their initial body weight As our experts've pointed out prior to: fitness is actually an ability If you want to really evolve, you'll need to go down words oversight off your lexicon in order that you can easily completely transform inside. The first popular blunder individuals create when that comes to having effective interaction is actually that they are not aware of their physical body voice, language or even accent fluctuation. If you have any thoughts about where by and how to use yellow pages online australia (http://miserendipia101.info/eco-slim/), you can get in touch with us at our web-site. Right here are actually seven popular oversights that earns a degree create in their resume and also ought to avoid that. 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Then there are actually the personal mistakes that some folks lug all around for a life time; their unclean little bit of tips. However our experts did certainly not accomplish just what our experts wanted, and major oversights were made in attempting to do this. Our experts are going to acquire to the base of this, as well as I will definitely take whatever activity is called for A company owner will really must operate more difficult due to the shortage of a corporate identification. That doesn t suggest you should totally transform the steering wheel yet you certainly must share an information that you provide something that none from your rivals do. Take into consideration carrying in a service consultant that focuses in helping business build an unique identification in their field if you re stumped for tips. 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David Slepkow is a Rhode Isle Breakup Attorney focusing in Breakup, Family members Law, Restraining Purchases, DCYF, Adoptions, Dna paternity, Post Divorce, Relocation, Youngster Custodianship, visiting and help. Consequently, you must get quotes from numerous providers to ensure you are actually acquiring the greatest price. While Katie thought that she had actually helped make a massive error, she gained from this. Her calendar from due dates right now likewise features unformulated" ones and also meetings along with the tough dates issued by funders. There is actually certainly not a considerable amount of factor telling your employer that an error was made without knowing exactly how or even why this took place. All that has is for one blunder to occur and also every little thing you have actually operated so tough to perform might be removed in the blink from an eye. If they might create blunders along the method, the one factor they all possess in typical is the determination to take a threat also. From file hiding, making use of redaction resource programs and also redaction software and also lawful redaction, right here are a few of the general oversights individuals produce. And also we all carry out. Maybe we create the same error 3 times, however ideally certainly not four or 5. The checklist can go on and on. Nevertheless, my adventure as a card-carrying member of the POP Culture takes me to the verdict that the ultimate mistake is the faux pas. Enable yourself to dream and also presume significant, take a chance something worthwhile, create tons from blunders en route-- and fill out your understanding box to the verge! A lot of folks fear to even have a few small risks given that they could induce a blunder." So they do not attempt everything brand-new. I do not experience great when I screw up yet I perform aim to always keep things in standpoint and remind myself that people are certainly not perfect and also blunders concern knowing as well as increasing and blah blah Oprah blah. It is actually no usage mentioning an error or complication and also having no concept how to solve that. If you've erased an essential data by accident, exercise exactly how you may repair that. from the backup system and also how long this are going to have. Then you are actually an effortless target for identity crooks and cheaters, if you carelessly discard information connecting to your profile. At that point other blunders follow due to the fact that that definitely isn't the right condition for us. Thus look at the circumstance and also establish whether or not the situation was one that should have been prevented. Among the absolute most common membership website blunders that lots of people often tend to make is to certainly not determine their target market correctly. Ask current or even past co-workers or folks outside the association for their viewpoint on the blunder and what they feel you can possibly do to recoup. Name around to a handful of insurance provider for quotes just before you choose an insurance company.

[youngerdaniel]

Ritual — Now With Extra Loglines!

Writers are a superstitious kind. 

If we get on a roll writing something in a certain cafe, we keep going to that cafe. If there’s a specific song driving to the work, or a movie that particularly inspires—we loop that song or movie and don’t watch much else until the work’s done.

All of the above happened over the past 10-ish days. By the way, a lot has happened since the last time I checked in here.

 I wrote an animated series pilot; some sketch comedy that recently had its first read-through; more beat sheets than was healthy... 

There were workshops and constant reconstructing of ideas on my low-budg feature that brought it closer to the intent I had for it (thieves navigating a breakup was the general conceit). 

There was a lot of work, and a few missed loglines which I’ll now spit out:

STITCH - series

A medical student three months from her doctorate pays her student loans stitching wounds for the mob. But when her father winds up on her table, she begins to unravel a conspiracy that goes back generations.

CONFLICT OF INTEREST - feature

A professional wing-woman starts to fall for her latest charge, the only problem is, he’s falling for her sister. 

CLAUSTROPHOBIC - feature

When a light-rail commuter train gets stuck in an underground tunnel, five complete strangers must work together to find a way out—but the reason for their entrapment is worse than any of them can imagine.

Knights Incorporated - feature

In the wake of their parents’ deaths, two sister con artists take on the score of their lives—literally. The mark? Their uncle. The score is a few-million dollars. The complications when the truth comes out? Tremendous.

Phoebe - short (CURRENTLY WRITING)

Phoebe has decided to turn to a life of crime. Her bestie, Ash, decides to film it on her iPhone. A bank robbery turns into a shopping binge, and the authorities are hot on their trail—but a joyride in the wrong stranger’s car drags Phoebe and Ash into the worst side of crime.

SO, YEAH. Those are things that have come up. The summer break was spent writing the first draft of my feature, presently titled (in an ever-increasing game of “Maybe I Should Call It This...”) BUSHLEAGUES. 

It follows Cory and Hannah, thieves who meet and fall in love on the job. But when they move in together, things start to sour. 

A messy breakup puts the thieves in a competition to learn who’s the better thief. 

But, when they steal from the wrong guy, they’re drawn into a doomed heist and a gang turf war—and their domestic issues turn deadly.

Today, about 11 working days later, that concept has been birthed into a first draft. It’s not my first first draft, nor my first feature, and definitely not my first story. But there’s always a feeling you get when you reach the end of trying to conjure a good yarn. 

You get satisfied. You feel like you’ve finished an insurmountable task. Congratulations, you’ve just spent an inordinate time living in your own head without healthy amounts of human contact. YOU ARE A WRITER. YOU HAVE WRITTEN.

I rant a lot about how nothing means a shit unless you finish it. But screw it, I’ll say it in a newer, ruder way: 

IDEAS ARE CHEAP. YES, SHUT UP. THEY ARE. THEY ARE.

Whinge all you will. I just spat out a handful of them a few minutes ago—and I like to thing I’m on the lower-functioning side of the screenwriter spectrum.

I’ll admit to this: I write fast. Sure, most of it will be crap that I spend months re-writing, but it’s just the way I do it. Perhaps it’s a thing bleeding over from the novel-writing schedule and amount of words required, but I can churn out a draft quickly. 

It’s my belief that this is one of my few strengths as a writer. Industry requires you work quickly. Good is something you can get to quicker if you’ve got bad. I wish I could be more thoughtful and well-written on the first draft. Wish I could take my time, but I get caught up in it. I almost feel guilty for not thinking it through harder.

The rest of my observations from a month of actual writing and boundary-pushing are of the usual fodder. So point form, for ya:

- Writing is hard

- Beat sheets and outlines are essential -- but damned if the story doesn’t come out different on the page

- It’s good to change

- It’s not what I expected

- I love it

- Hate it.

Etc. It’s the usual fare for me at this particular moment. I’m happy I got the story down; I know I’ll have to change a lot. But it’s there. It lives. I’ve got something to really work with now. And there’s definitely a sense of accomplishment.

This is a script I dragged through development to the point that my instructor who workshopped it likes to bust on me about overthinking myself. It was months of retooling an idea, and getting down to the essence of the thing I wanted to pursue with it.

I’d done the heist before. Yee who read here often will remember the long stretch where all I’d do is talk about heist/con-artist stuff. Well, I got commissioned to do it again for a grade—and I needed to find a new aspect that could keep it fresh for me.

I found that by thinking about what relationships in the criminal world must be like, and how one might place a rom-com in there. It wound up being more of a drama, one of the more serious things I’ve written, and still with a few funny moments.

It’s done now. And so the ritual I’ve carried since my first drafts of stuff that shall never see the light of day. Writers are superstitious, and that applies to when you finish something. It is we of the ritual, and the ritual is so:

- Finish

- Think about it.

- Decide to be happy just for finishing

- Buy a nice meal

- Drink a bottle of wine

- Smoke a joint

Now I begin the process of letting the story out of my mind, then revisiting it as if the script had wound up on my desk. I have to turn in the first 25 pages of it Monday, but I can fast-track the process with other rituals that come from my novelling career.

I’m binge-reading. Binge-watching. Reloading. Now I have the added distraction of having homework and a spec episode of RICK & MORTY to write.

Yes, I’m getting graded on devising an episode of Rick and Morty. Be jealous. It’s great. That’s the next set of pages to produce. Meantime, I’ll finish off the tradition. 

It’s done. I celebrate. Not even because I’m a lush (although it definitely helps), but because it’s good to develop positive reward systems to the efforts you truly care about.

Okay, is getting a little drunk and high and reading the most positive? No. But I like it, and really, having a positive reward system only works if you enjoy the reward. So here we go. Yay for done things, and yay for ritual.

P.S. I’m now in term 3, the craziest and most work-heavy of the terms. So it’s likely—in fact, worth betting on—that I won’t be posting regularly around here.

But shit, when have I ever been regular around here? This blog needs some fucking All Bran.