#but i cant be mad because wow the last 2 days have been Productive

[iibelin]

HIT 32K ON FIREBOLT VERSE. we out here!!!!!!!

[yournameoverandover]

FOLKLORE: 1st Listen

1. The 1 - “I’m on some new shit” Love the production ooooo..... “If you never bleed then you’re never gonna grow.” Why does this remind me of HAYLOR?!?!!? Omg my heart. “It woulda been fun if you woulda been the one” Wow!!!!!! “And if my wishes came true it woulda been you” Wowowowowow!!!!!! WHAT AN OPENER

2. Cardigan - High heels on cobblestones what an IMAGE. I love her range here omg. “Baby kiss it better, Iiiiiiiii” I LOVE the breathiness of it. A friend to all is a friend to none, you tell em girl!!!! This song is so COZY I just feel like war, and soft listening to it. So much piano. “You drew stars around my scars but now I’m bleeding.” So softttt “Leaving like a father” 🥺🥺🥺 “These hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me// I knew you’d come back to me”

3. The last great American dynasty - Ok I was not excited for this one. The initial synth is interesting. Rebecca who tf is Rebecca? Saint Louis and Bill? This is specific.... Hmmmm okay I see a trend of blaming women. THE RHODE ISLAND SET HOLLA!!!! Dali?! Hmmm maddest, shameless now... What’s the twist in the bridge tell me? OMG IS THAT HER HOUSE!!! AHHHHHHH YES OMG!!!!! Loudest yessss! LITERALLY A SOMG ABOUT HER HOUSE I CANT. I like this chorus so much

4. Exile - I’m stoked for this one. Mucho piano. Omgggggg the vocals well done Bon Iver!!!!! “You’re not my homeland anymore” BROKEN HEART. “Now I’m in exile seeing you out.” There’s the title... Balancing on breaking branches :( “I’m not your problem anymore, so who am I offending now.” Awww “you were my crown” proceeds the exile line, that’s so sad and beautiful like THEY WERE ROYALTY IN LOVE. I love this interplay of perspectives holy shit this bridge. Her voice is so delicate and his is so strong they are just CHEFS KISS together!!!!! Like sneaking out a movie theater? This album is PERFECT for midnight release. I am obsessed with the ending of this song OMG. J’adore.

5. My tears ricochet - Ok time for track five I am not ready. Ooo floaty vocals me gusta. Omg it’s like a wake?? I love how she says loved you, cause I loved you. It’s almost British. Oooo SAVING FACE BURN GIRL. “You know I didn’t want to have to haunt you.” This is so prettyyyyyyyyy. It’s like Clean gets a whole album! “Just not home”. “Miss me in your bones.” “Stolen lullabies” THESE IMAGES LIKE WHAT. Not sure where the title fits in with the other story like if she’s dead how is she crying? Does he just not really care? Is he a robot? Hm. Much to think about

6. Mirrorball - TRACK 6 mirrorball. PLEASE be about the outfit to end all outfits! Kidding. Definitely not lol. This sounds like a middle school slow dance song.... shining just for you 😍 definitely a middle school slow dance song. “I can change everything about me to fit in.” Ouch Taylor. This is like the softest thing and also the saddest thing how she feels she has to try to keep his attention the whole time. I wasn’t expecting it to be sad?!

7. Seven - Aptly named seven. Ok we’re not waiting here let’s go. This has a little strummy country vibe? “Are there still beautiful things” powerful question. “Passed down like folk songs, the love lasts so long”. This feels like a song about her childhood. I really like this melody. It’s so gentle and pretty 😍

8. August - {WOW APPLE MUSIC WAY TO CATCH UP WITH THE FUCKING WORLD I HATE YOU. Okay we’re back!!!} Salt air?! I already love it. And rusty doors. Yes. Okay my birthday feels safe. “August sipped away like a bottle of wine cause you were never mine”🥺. Wait this is like happy retrospective WHEN WE WERE STILL CHANGING FOR THE BETTER, FOR ME IT WAS ENOUGH TO LIVE FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL. “I can see us lost in a memory, august slipped away in a memory, cause it was never mine” this is so freaking ethereal and pretty. And she is repeating the hope of it all?! Inject this directly into my veins ughhhhh

9. This is me trying - “I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back” I love how she has all these images of bumbling and fumbling and puts it next to her saying she is trying, working on that communication. “I got wasted like all my potential. My words shoot to kill when I’m bad” Wait I have so many amazing lyrics I can’t even keep up with it what is happening. “It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you”

10. Illicit affairs - curious about this title???? What’s going to happen. Oooo a sneaky love thing going on. “Clandestine meetings and longing stares”. LITTLE DEATH TAYLOR SWIFT I SEE YOU LE PETIT MORT. “Dwindling mercurial high”?! Damn girl!!! Ooo okay no more orgasm things, just about lies now. Death to lies. “You showed me colors I can’t see with anyone else” “you taught me secret language I can’t speak with anyone else” Wait is it over?! The sudden endings WOW.

11. Invisible string - I keep hearing all these colors and all I can thing is RED. “Invisible string tying you to me”. I just LOVE all these pretty floating songs! “She said I look like an American singer” Omg I wonder if this is about her meeting joe IT IS IT IS THE DIVE BAR IS BACK. “One single thread of gold” ugh I love the running themes this woman uses! “Now I send their babies presents 😍” “hell was the journey but it brought me heaven” I LOVE THIS SONG OMG

12. Mad woman - I’ve been so curious about this OKAY!!!!!! TAYLOR SWIFT SAID FUCK IT HAPPENED. “Every time you call me crazy I get more crazy what about that?” “No one likes a mad woman YOU MADE HER LIKE THAT” OH MY GODDDDDD YES TELL THEM TAYLOR. “Doing your dirtiest work for you” holy SHIT Taylor this is scooter’s call out song and I LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS. “I’m taking my time because you took everything from me, watching you climb over people like me” I CANT KEEP UP TAYLOR THIS IS SO SHARP OMG and the dRUMS MY SOUL LEFT MY BODY

13. Epiphany - WHEW okay lots I’m still processing so epiphany whatcha got?! “Something med school did not cover, someone’s daughter, someone’s mother.” Omg aNOTHER HOSPITAL SONG SERIOUSLY Taylor baby no :((((( “you dream of some epiphany, just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you’ve seen” I wonder if this is for nurses and caregivers?

14. Betty - oh HELLO harmonica!!!!! Is this one of the love triangle songs? TAYLOR SAID FUCK AGAIN TWICE IN ONE ALBUM! I WAS NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THIS!!!!! I like the melody in this though, it’s so pretty and it reminds me of her older stuff! WAIT FUCK IS IN THE CHORUS SO SHE’S SAYING IT A LOT AHHHHH. “A figment of my worst intentions” omgggggg what a great line?! Okay wait this has SO MANY CARDIGAN PARALLELS AT THE END THIS IS ONE OF THE THREE. SO IS CARDIGAN what is #3?!

15. Peace - interesting starting song hmmmmmmmm. Sounds more bluesy! “Our coming of age is come and gone.” So she can’t give peace- “I would die for you in secret, the devil’s in the details but you got a friend in me.” This song is really hitting a lot tbh. “It’s like I’m wasting your honor.” Taylor this is sad 🥺 “the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me”

16. Hoax - hOW are we already at the end?! I like the super gentle piano in the back. “Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in. Don’t want no other shade of blue but you.” She’s so vulnerable and this is really hard to listen to. Love was just as hard as when they pulled you apart?

Physical Album Update on (TBD)

1. The lakes

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[zerohour1974]

The Grumpy Git Returns 2

Why is the Tech world so fundamentally broken?

Hello readers I’m back after a major hiatus.  What on earth is going on in the world of technology.  It’s all going to hell.

You might think what the hell am I on about.  It seems things in the industry are completely broken and for all the complaints out there no one seems to do anything about it.

Here are just a few examples...

1) Apple releases Mac Pro with a basic price tag of £5000

What on earth, I would understand such a price point if this was an amazing all singing all dancing machine, but its not.  The basic system is an i5 system.  Seriously then everything else can be upgraded by Apple or exclusive dealers or it invalidates your warranty and the machine locks you out using the T2 security chip.

Now Apple have been on shaky ground regarding tech for a number of years which problems such as lowering sales of iPhones because by the time they release them they have already been superseded by the competition.

Apple used to be seen as the innovative company of the world, the kings of aesthetic and cool.  Now even the hipsters of the world are thinking Apple products are too expensive and not really giving much to the world.

It doesn’t help that every MacOS version is now more like iOS and they are locking you further and further into the Apple Garden.  What i mean by that is blocking anything that is not in the Apple Play Store, not supporting hardware (Nvidia graphics cards, Wi-Fi etc.) and now preventing upgrades.  Which is alienating their customers...

No one is going to buy the Mac Pro one because the price is ludicrous.  Two everyone is speculating Apple is going to change to using ARM processors so the whole system is probably about to change.   People got bitten with PPC, only for Apple to switch to Intel and abandon PPC.  So they will not get away with it twice.

Apple admit too being a $1 trillion company but how long will it last considering you are further and further alienating your own customers.    Now don’t get me wrong there will always be a hardcore group of loyal Apple consumers, but you have to wonder is it enough to keep Apple where it stands.

Personally given their listed losses it looks like the bubble is starting to burst.  But equally getting back to the point who seriously believed a £5000 desktop would be seen and thought wow that’s a good idea.  The mind boggles.

A lot of people are now building Hackintosh machines because one its cheaper to do so and two for less money you probably get more power than the Mac Pro.  Crazy.

2) Software companies putting out totally broken games as full releases at full price.

This one is pretty obvious I can site many examples her but of course probably the biggest known was of course Bethesda’s Fallout 76.  Now I’m not going to reiterate its story there has been plenty of coverage about it on YouTube.

Now before anyone starts yes I accept there is Early Access programs on Steam and the likes but they at least admit up front that the item you are purchasing is not the final game and may be subject to change.

However we are seeing more and more companies putting out games that require huge day one updates of several gigabytes.  DLC breaking game elements in major ways and live services either not working or not being able to cope with the loads.

Now I admit I am not a programmer and maybe someone who is in the game will be able to shed a better light, but it seems these major corporations such as EA, Ubisoft, Activision Blizzard and more are making millions off the backs of programmers who are expected to deliver higher and higher standard stuff in less and less time.

These guys are being forced into working extraneous “crunch” hours being put under immense stress and not really seeing much in the way of benefits.  They seem to take a lot of abuse if the programmer refuses.

2019 showed many cases of ex-employees reporting abuse.  Now I know some could be put down to sour grapes but there is a lot to be said about there is no smoke without fire.

It seems many programmers are complaining about their immense pressure to perform.  As I said I’m not a programmer so I can’t really say I know.  They seem to have no representation in their corner to help them such a union and because a lot of them are freelance many corporations see them as disposable.

This to me is ludicrous.  Without these programmers most of these corporations would not have a product to sell and equally wouldn’t exist.  So why treat them like dirt, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Also for all things like Fallout 76 proved for all they released a half arsed game and took controversy.  Not once has someone said that this practice is unacceptable.

If you bought a Television and when you turned it on it showed BBC1 and BBC2 only and the rest was coming later in a software patch update.  You would complain vehemently and take back the television for your money back.

So why can software companies get away with releasing a half finished product.... Which moves us on to...

3) New Linux phones been released unfinished

Linux phones are the latest and “greatest” thing since sliced bread if you believed the hype.  Security conscious phones that don’t report everything about you, kill switches to disable base bands so you can’t be monitored at all times and of course its Linux based so the operating system is free.

All sounds good and hence why Purism Librem 5 and the Pine phone both have had a major interest shown in them.

Given all the concerns raised recently regarding Google and how it uses its data and problems such as the many data leaks of various sites.  Privacy regarding your data is being raised.

Ironically Microsoft who have admitted they are having Windows 10 report back data are not in these investigations.  But hey ho.

However its not the fact its Linux that’s a problem for me.  I like Linux but what i don’t get is this new concept of the phone is taking longer than we thought and people are worried.  SO what we will do is supply you your phone but most of the software doesn’t work but in the next few months we will implement various features to get it working.

They even give them titles such as the Pine Phone Braveheart Edition or the Librem 5 Spring.  Basically a broken p[hone which you have paid money for hoping that eventually it may work.

Once again these phones are hardly cutting edge so even if they do get it working.  Half of the tech is at least a generation back.

Now I understand creating a phone and its OS from scratch is hard work     and such processed take time.  However giving you a shell of a phone and leaving you to wait for the rest is a bit much.

This is similar to the TV but in this case because Linux is open source.  Your TV now only has two channels and they want you to write the next bit of the code to sort the programs out.  They say it’s a learning experience.

I’m waiting for someone to build a house and then if you want any windows, heating or electric you have to have to either build it yourself or wait for an upgrade.  Madness.

4) Live services...

When I started in computing my first machine was a ZX Spectrum 48K it wasn’t amazing but it was a computer.  You bought games, you could program it and it was yours to do with as you pleased.

Modern day systems both in the computing world and console world you are signed into agreements that no matter what the machine is.  The code involved is the property of X company and although you physically own the machine you can not amend it, alter it,  complain about it or they can withdraw your rights to said systems and lock you out.

What? I own a machine but if I do anything beyond your limitations you will sue me.  How did this become a thing.

It was bad enough with Intellectual Copyright bullshit but this is getting ludicrous.

They have since took it one step further in games now several of them will not allow you to play them unless permanently connected to their servers or pay an ongoing subscription fee.

Which equally they can close at a moments notice because they decide they don’t like it and you have no recompense.  How many games have we heard have been just abandoned by their publishers.

Especially in the MMORPG genre.  Games are no longer purchased like tapes with physical medium as now most are download codes in physical cases.  If you actually get a physical DVD you are lucky.

However it doesn’t mean squat if you buy the game and the servers no longer exist.  Several games have managed to allow people to have their own private servers but many of them don’t exist.

How is this allowed to exist.  How are the computer industry allowed to sell products which have no guarantee.  Also why is no one questioning this...

If Valve decide enough was enough, they were sick of being blamed for the controversial games been stuck on its site by asset flippers etc., and decided to close down the service.

Sure they would have to give people notice but beyond that they have no obligation to make sure you have access to the games you bought.  This to me seems a dodgy game.

And with more services such as the Epic Games Store, UPlay, Origin,  and Google Stadia this is only going to get worse.

We need some form of legislation to prevent this from happening.  We are losing more and more data everyday on the internet due to leaks, server closures and companies just going out of business.  Very little of this software and data is being archived so is lost.

This is a problem.  Now I understand people saying it’s my game. But equally you have been paid for said game and now they are saying we cant use it or access it.

Something is fundamentally wrong here.

I could go on with further points such as large corporations closing Software Studios making games and complaining they sold 7 million copies and didn’t sell 10 million copies. Major tech companies refusing to pay taxes but want tax breaks from major governments but that can be the topic for another day.

As I said the tech world is fundamentally broken and needs a shake up.  Why are we paying the price for their inability to sort out their problems.

Until next time ...

[mooniconic]

How Could You

What happens when the love of life made you his side piece. A iKON fanfic filled with Angst. Mention of alcohol and curse words.

*Word Count: 6026

Y/N: You

Y/BFF/N: You’re best friend’s name. (Also dating Hanbin.)

Soo Jin: Didn’t have any other names that I could think of. I was watching weightlifting fairy and I thought of her, sorry!

I was working as a production assistant for Winner, I buy their coffee, I get them their embarrassing grocery items that their managers could never buy in public. I mostly help them out during schedules. They’re a fantastic group and all the rumors about them being rude were just rumors. Winner is literally the most down to earth celebrities I’ve ever worked with, taken they’re the first one I’ve worked with, but you hear all these horror stories about celebs being bratty and that will scare you from working for any kpop group ever. I thank the heavens they’re so kind. They even introduced me to my boyfriend…

okay he’s not technically my boyfriend yet, but it’s going there. We’re taking it slow, he and I talked about defining the relationship by the time we both had a break. It’s just 3 weeks from now, I’m excited since we’re going to Jeju. He said he was happy he’s going to get a few days with me.

Bobby has been the sweetest man I’ve ever met. It feels like he’s from a movie? He’s polite and never does anything un gentleman like whenever he’s with me. He’s funny, he makes me laugh like no one ever does. He gets my jokes even the dark ones. He geeks about the Marvel Cinematic Universe and that will always lead us on to a deep conversation about alternate realities. He understands my work, since he is an idol, he knows how busy it gets. He never guilts me when my job gets in the way and I don’t guilt him about his job, because we both know how it works. He’s a swell guy and I think I love him.

__________________________________________

At YG Canteen

We were having lunch with iKON. Y/bff/n was there because the boys were touring her around.

Me: Hey guys! Wanna go out tonight?

Bobby: why, babe? Are we celebrating anything?

Me: YES! Also, because Y/BFF/N finally has free time hahaha. I’m getting transferred to another group, I don’t know where though, but I guess that means I’m not out of the job.

Song: Maybe it’s with us?

Me: I doubt it. They might put me in with BlackPink or Dara noona. Omg you think they’ll assign me to GD&TOP?!?

Y/BFF/N: Your panty is falling.

Me: Falling??? Can it just slip? HAHAHA

Y/BFF/N: Bobby, do you get jealous every time she says she ~loves~ TOP-ssi?

Bobby: I know she’s loyal. *says it with his signature eye smile*

Chanwoo mumbles something under his breath.

Me: What’s that?

Chanwoo: Nothing!

I drop it and concentrate on my lunch while Jinhwan teases Y/BFF/N about Hanbin. The other guys laugh on. My thoughts start to keep me occupied. “How was I going to adjust with my new bosses? Boss?” “are they as nice as Winner?” “Oh my god I must remind my replacement about Yoon’s obsession with Yakult. He never drinks the other brands, he keeps saying it’s not the same.” “Shit. Do they need new boxes of condoms? Did I buy them already?”

A female voice gets me out of my thoughts “Bobby yaaaaa!” she hurries towards Bobby. It’s Kyung Soo Jin. She wraps her arms around Bobby’s chest and plants a kiss on his cheek. My face contorts into what I can only explain as “What the fuck?”. She moves to sit beside Bobby on the other side, is Bobby nervous? He looks like he’s seen a ghost.

Bobby: oh, noona! H-Ho-How are you?

Soo Jin: Why are asking? It’s not like you don’t know.

Y/BFF/N looks like she’s about to throw her drink in Bobby’s face. She looks at me and gestures with her eyes that I should say something, but I’m in shock. Why is she so close to him? Why is she holding on to his hand?

Soo Jin: why are you all so quiet? I’ve missed all of you. Hanbin is she the girl you were talking about?

Y/BFF/N: Hi, I’m Y/BFF/N, I was a fan of your character in Weightlifting Fairy, I hated you there meaning you did good. How do you know Bobby?

Bobby tries to say something along the lines of “she’s my noona” but Soo Jin answers

Soo Jin: Thanks, I guess. I’m his girlfriend. He hasn’t really said it to anyone besides these guys. Haha. Wait *looks at me* what’s your name? are you part of the staff?

All I could do is look at Bobby, he’s smiling nervously and tries to say something, but nothing comes out of his mouth. My mouth hangs open while I try to grasp her answer when Donghyuk finally steps in.

Donghyuk: She’s Y/N noona. She’s with Winner. Y/N noona, do you think you could help me?

He goes to me and pulls me off my seat. He carries my food tray back to the counter and continues to pull me out of the canteen. Y/BFF/N is being held down by Jinhwan and Hanbin, they’re holding her hands. Jinhwan is whispering to her.

Jinhwan: Please don’t make a scene. Not now.

Y/BFF?N: So, all of you knew that Bobby had a girlfriend? *a terrifying smile creeps on her face*

Nobody really answers except for Soo Jin for some god knows what reason has not noticed that the air has become way too heavy for everyone at the table. Song looks like he’s watching a drama and he’s freaking out, Chanwoo just wants to get out as soon as he can, Junhoe has an awkward expression plasted on his face, Hanbin looks like he’s going to start pleading for Y/BFF/N to stop talking, and Jinwhan looks like he swallowed the California Reaper Pepper.

Soo Jin: Yeah, we even had dinner for it. When we told the members that we *she rests her head on Bobby’s shoulder* were finally in a relationship. That was about two weeks ago. Right, Jagi?

Bobby snaps out of it and finally speaks

Bobby: Ye-Yeah haha. Where’s Y/N and Dongie?

Y/BFF/N: probably helping Y/N with work since you know she’s so busy. So busy in fact that she didn’t know that the guy she was dating was with someone else. She’s still in shock and the guy is a total asshat.

Bobby starts coughing and stands up.

Bobby: I have to get some air.

Soo Jin follows him outside, worry settling in her brows.

__________________________________________

YG Canteen

Y/BFF/N: Why didn’t you tell us that Bobby is a two timing asshat??

Hanbin: well… We didn’t want to get in the drama and it’s Bobby hyung’s life.

Y/BFF/N: oh, so you’re just going to let him be a cheater, is that it?? You’re letting him hurt. Y/N. If Hanbin tries to flirt with another girl, are you going to let him Nani? Because it’s his life right?!?

Jinwhan: Yes, I mean it’s-

Y/BFF/N: Basically, what you’re saying is you don’t care if Y/N gets hurt. I get it. Didn’t think you guys were like this. You guys just think of her as part of the staff and not even your friend. Wow. Fuck you guys.

Hanbin: Y/BFF/N it’s not like that. It’s just hard to meddle in these things. It’s hyung’s responsibility he should be the one to tell her. Wait don’t get mad, I’m sorry!

Y/BFF/N: Whatever.

Y/BFF/N stands up to find me and Donghyuk.

__________________________________________

Outside at the nearest park in YG

Donghyuk sits beside me on an old park bench. I keep my hands on my knees, my brain is still trying to process what just happened. “Did Bobby cheat on me? Wait is he cheating on her with me? Shit. We’re not even together anyway so I have no right to be mad?”

Donghyuk: Don’t blame yourself for any of this.

Me: What?

Donghyuk: I said don’t blame yourself, it’s hyung’s fault. He started being her boyfriend 2 weeks ago and the for the sake of his ego, he didn’t want to let you go.

Me: I shouldn’t have expected him to want to be in a relationship with me. I have a part in this too, given I didn’t know about her, but I should’ve known it was too good to be true.

Donghyuk: how could you? when he gave you every reason to stay.

He takes my hand in his and holds on to it. He looks at me with pity in his eyes.

Donghyuk: He should’ve been honest with you. He knew you were falling for him and he liked that he got you where he wanted you. Noona, I’m sorry I didn’t help you. I’m trying now.

He pulls me in a hug while I start crying. I feel like the ground is shaking and that there isn’t air in my lungs anymore. Donghyuk hugs me tighter but I get out of the hug.

Me: I need space. I need to get away.

My phone rings, it’s manager oppa. I need to meet them at the salon since the boys have a last-minute performance. I book myself an Uber since I can reimburse that anyway.

Me: I have work. Thanks though. *I wipe my tears from my face*

Y/BFF/N finds us at the park, and she jogs towards us.

Y/BFF/N: Babe, are you okay? I know stupid question.

Me: I have work. I’m waiting for Uber, I think he’s near.

Donghyuk stands behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. He’s comforting me, he’s always been a sweetheart.

Y/BFF/N: You’re going to talk to Bobby?

Me: not now. Probably after work, I don’t want a fight.

Y/BFF/N: I want one.

Me: hahaha obviously. Maybe later? When we get drinks, God knows I need alcohol in me before I speak to Bobby. My car’s here see you later.

I get in the car and let myself think about work, when we pass by a corner. I see Bobby and Soo Jin, he’s trying to comfort her, and he plants a kiss on her lips. I start tearing up and my mind goes back to the times he said he wanted me. That’s when in hits me he never loved me, he just wanted me. He wanted someone to fuck when she can’t see him, and I let myself indulge him. The anger inside me was enough to fuel my next move. I sent a message to our group chat “Drinks tonight at S, I better see all of you.”

__________________________________________

At S

Chanwoo: Why are we here? Like why do we all have to be here?

Y/BFF/N: Because you didn’t stop your friend from becoming a dickhead. You all deserve to suffer with him tonight.

Jinhwan: WE GET IT. We fucked so can you please just shut up, he cant hear you anyway.

Y/BFF/N: Why am I even far from him? *she looks at Hanbin*

Hanbin: because something might happen and isn’t Y/N noona be the one to fight with hyung?

Junhoe: Whatever, I’m just here for the drinks. *He tips his glass in Bobby’s direction* Thanks bro.

Bobby gives him an insincere smile and he looks at his phone. ‘She’s late” He thinks to himself. For whatever reason he’s determined to explain his side tonight.

I get to the bar about an hour late, the boys extended their set list so we had to stay longer. I had to rush home and change my outfit since I looked like I was going to a library instead of going to a bar. I’m wearing a short black dress and black combat boots, I look like I’m ready for battle. Bobby sees me even if he’s halfway across the bar, if I didn’t know any better I’d swoon over the fact that he can spot me from afar.

Bobby makes his way towards me, he has this aura that can part away a crowd and yet so magnetic. He always looked like a badass and for a second I forget how much of a douche he is. He stands in front of me.

Bobby: Babe. *he tries to give me a kiss*

Me: what the FUCK are you doing? You got caught you asshole and you’re going to pretend it didn’t happen??!!

Bobby pulls me closer to him.

Bobby: people might hear what you’re saying. I’m going to explain everything.

Me: I’m going to start talking to you when I get a drink in me. So will you excuse me?

I get out of his grip and start looking for Y/BFF/N and the boys. I spot them in the vip area and I head towards them. Security stops me from entering but Jinwhan tells him to let me in. I don’t say anything to him, I go straight to the table and grab the bottle of whiskey. I drink straight from the bottle I get about four gulps in before Donghyuk stops me.

Donghyuk: you shouldn’t be drinking, noona.

Me: I do what I want!

I snapped and then realized what kind of tone I used.

Me: I’m sorry Dongdong I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.

Instead of answering me he grabs the bottle and puts it down on the table. He then hugs me tightly, he whispers another apology into my ear. He’s trying to soothe me, but I push him away gently. I look into his eyes and say

“You should stop apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not the one who strung me along for months and didn’t tell me they were getting serious with another girl, quite frankly I don’t understand why you’re so guilty.”

Donghyuk: it’s because I should’ve saved you from this pain. I knew all about it and I did nothing to stop hyung from hurting you. I’m sorry.

I take the whiskey bottle and take another swig.

Me: still not your fault. You seriously should stop hugging me, someone might see you and tell your girlfriend. I really don’t want to be labeled as a home wrecker.

Donghyuk eyes widen in disbelief. He’s taken aback that I’m blaming myself for this situation he looks at me in my eyes and holds both of my arms to my side.

Donghyuk: Are you serious right now? Noona… you didn’t know about her and my girlfriend understands that you’re very close to me. She knows you’re part of my family. Did you have a feeling about hyung being with another woman?

Me: Dongdong… no I didn’t but I stil feel guilty even I didn’t know about her. I feel like should’ve asked more questions and that I should’ve checked with him more often. Like I should’ve been more suspicious with the fact that it was taking him 6 months to define what we were.

Donghyuk hugs me again and Y/BFF/N joins in.

Y/BFF/Nl: so what’s the plan?

Me: were you listening in?

Y/BFF/N: babe your voice was so loud even the bouncer heard you. It’s quieter here.

Me: oh my god. Feels it’s still loud here hahaha.

Chanwoo: noona… give me the bottle. That’s the only bottle Bobby hyung bought. We’re all sharing coz hyung is cheap. *smiles*

It catches me off guard and I let out a laugh.

Me: you know how to diffuse any situation don’t you?

Chanwoo laughs and takes the bottle from me. He pours whiskey for everyone in the table except for me. Bobby is still at the bar watching us. He’s going to make me come to him because to him I’m the one with the problem. Even when he’s wrong he’s still stubborn.

Me: look at him waiting for me to come to him. It’s like I’m the one with a problem with all this. What a cocky fucker.

Jinhwan: noona, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s super nervous too.

Y/BFF/N: wow *rolls her eyes*

Me: I better just get this over with, before the whiskey gets to me.

I take another gulp of whiskey from Jinhwan’s glass and I make my way over to Jiwon. It was a bit hard since the club got more crowded. He sees me walking towards him and he takes my hand and takes me to the lobby. Y/BFF/N and Hanbin watches from the VIP section and decided to follow us to the lobby. They’re hidden from us but the place is quieter and they can hear what we’re talking about.

Me: why did you do this? Why are you with me when she’s your girlfriend?

Jiwon: because I love you too. I want to be with you too.

Me: That’s not fair Jiwon and you know it. You guys aren’t in an open relationship, if you were then maybe this could be acceptable.

Jiwon: stay with me, please.

Me: No. I can’t do this, I shouldn’t. Jiwon… why her? You said you love me, but why did you choose her? Why wasn’t it me? I love you and I give you everything you need, right? Why didn’t you choose me?

Jiwon couldn’t answer me. He takes my hand and brings it to face, he starts kissing my hand. He looks me in the eyes and said

“I love you both. Please stay with me. I love you.”

Tears stream down my face and the whiskey is slowly trickling into my brain. I was about to say yes when Y/BFF/N barges towards us and starts pointing at Jiwon.

Y/BFF/N: ARE YOU A FUCKING ASSHOLE???? You want her to stay with you even if you have a fucking girlfriend???

Jiwon looks like he’s about to explode but then Hanbin pulls Y/BFF/N towards the private rooms. Y/BFF/N pulls me along and I pull Jiwon. When the door closed that’s when all hell broke loose. I couldn’t stand straight anymore the whiskey has invaded my brain. Hanbin sits me down and texts the other guys to find us. Y/BFF/N was screaming at Bobby.

Y/BFF/N: are you fucking crazy???? You know she’s drunk and madly in love with you. What is she to you? A toy?? Fuck you Bobby, Y/N deserves better than to be your side piece. You love her? Why would you put her in a position where she’s the loser?

Bobby: We’re adults noona, she can make her own decisions. She wants to be with me and I want to be with her. You don’t have to worry about us.

He tries to come near me but she comes in between us. She shouts at Bobby to stay away from and all I can do was look at him. Tears were falling from my eyes but I stayed quiet. I silently curse myself for almost saying yes to Bobby.

Y/BFF/N: Don’t come near not unless you want a punch to the face.

Bobby raises his voice and says “You can’t tell me what to do” and Hanbin finally steps in he pushes Bobby away from Y/BFF/N.

Hanbin: don’t you scream at her, hyung. Don’t.

Bobby: your girlfriend keeps getting in the way. You’re not included in my relationship with Y/N. We know what we’re getting into.

Y/BFF/N: what do you mean about both of you knowing what you’re getting into, Y/N literally found out you have a girlfriend today. Fuck you.

Bobby moves closer to her but Hanbin blocks him. Hanbin looks like he’s pissed off as well. All I could do was let out a soft “stop it please.” But it was overshadowed when Y/BFF/N brought her phone out.

Y/BFF/N: tell Soo Jin about Y/N or I will.

Bobby: Fuck you! What the fuck is your fucking problem?!?!

The boys make it in time to stop Hanbin from lunging at Bobby. Junhoe and Chanwoo hold Hanbin back while Yunhyeong and Jinhwan hold Bobby. Donghyuk sits besides and asks me if I’m okay. I couldn’t speak I feel like I’m about to faint.

Y/BFF/N: You stop this or I will. Y/N and Soo Jin deserve better than you. You cheating whore.

Me: Please stop. Please. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done this. Please. I’ll leave Bobby alone. No more fighting please.

I beg them to stop but they couldn’t hear me and DongDong won’t let me stand. I grab my phone and ask for Soo Jin’s number from Mino. He sends it to me fast.

Me: DongDong I need some air. Please.

He helps me stand and brings me outside. We went to west exit of the club and sat down on the sidewalk. She and the guys are still arguing. I know what to do to stop this. I call her number and it rings 3 times before she picks up.

Me: Hello? Soo Jin-shi?

Soo Jin: Yes? Who’s this?

Me: My name is Y/N. You met me earlier at the canteen. I have something to tell you and please hear me out properly before speaking.

Soo Jin: I don’t understand why you’re calling me.

Me: It’s about Jiwon. Please let me explain things before I run out of time.

Soo Jin: Is something wrong?

Me: There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll go ahead. I’m dating Jiwon too for 6 months now, we were never official but he and I were a thing. I never knew about you until today, he never told me and the other guys didn’t tell me either. I know this is a shock to you because you’re his girlfriend. I want to say I’m sorry for not knowing about your relationship with him, if I knew I wouldn’t have stayed with him. I love him so much but this is wrong. You need to know that he’s cheating on you, Soo Jin. I’m so-

Donghyuk pulls my phone away and checks who I’m talking too. He called the managers and by the time he got off the phone he heard me rambling to Soo Jin.

Donghyuk: hello Soo Jin noona? Is this you?

Soo Jin: Who is this???

Donghyuk: it’s me Donghyuk. Noona I don’t know what Y/N noona told you but she’s a good person please don’t get mad at her. She’s drunk now.

Soo Jin: Is what she saying true? That Jiwon is dating us both?

Donghyuk couldn’t answer her and she drops the call.

Donghyuk sits beside me and cups my face with both his hands.

Donghyuk: Noona.. what did you do?

Me: the right thing. I’m sorry about this but I can’t let her not know. Knowing that Jiwon still wanted to be with me despite the truth… and me almost saying yes. No more. Jiwon is a dick.

Donghyuk: You just made things chaotic. They’re still fighting inside. The manager hyungs are on their way.

He hugs me and I asked to be brought inside the room again. He hesitates but I tell him I won’t fight anyone and that I’m semi sober now. We enter the room to Y/BFF/N crying while Hanbin shouts explicits to Jiwon. The others look exhausted and when we entered the room their eyes were on us.

Bobby: so where did you two go? Did you both fuck while we were here fighting? Noona I guess you really are a whore.

The room interrupts with protests. Donghyuk started screaming at Jiwon to watch his words and to not disrespect me anymore. I couldn’t quite explain what I felt at that moment, I was livid he would say something like that, but at the same I knew he only said it because he was angry. I quiet everyone down.

Me: I’m sorry I caused this fight between all of you. Y/BFF/N I’m grateful you had my back and protected me from making a big mistake. Hanbin, you’re lucky that you have her as your girl. Protect her always okay? Just like you did tonight. Thank you for being a friend. To Junhoe, Jinhwan, Chanwoo, and Yunhyeong I’m sorry you weren’t able to have fun tonight, I was really hoping this was going to be peaceful. Thank you for staying.

Everyone was silent. Hanbin was hugging Y/BFF/N and the other guys had their heads down. Bobby was staring at me but the anger is gone from his eyes. Yunhyeong moves closer to me so he can give me a hug. I welcome his hug and I move to his side.

Me: again, I’m sorry it had to be this dramatic.

Donghyuk: Not your fault.

Me: Jiwon… I can’t do this with you and as much as this pains me I have to let you go. My conscience won’t let me sleep if I didn’t do what I did. I love you but I’m sorry. I told Soo Jin about us, I called her. I’m sorry but I know you won’t tell her, so I did. You can hate me or whatever but you know deep down you’re an asshole for doing this.

Bobby: Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

He storms out of the room just in time for the managers to find us. Bay max manager takes him to where he wants to go while Harry Potter manager asks us what happened. Hanbin tells him the summary of the night and says that we should all head home. I say another apology and Junhoe finally speaks up.

Junhoe: it’s okay, noona. We understand.

He gives me a side hug and so did the other guys. Y/BFF/N is sleeping over at Hanbin’s dorm, so they ask if I would like to sleep there too. “It’s gonna be too much for Jiwon to see me there even if I stay upstairs. I should just go home.”

Donghyuk: How? Everything’s closed.

Me: Uber? I can try or I can wait for a cab.

Manager: No cabs. It’s too late you’d end up going home at 5am.

Me: I’d walk then. I better get going, the apartment is a bit far.

Manager: We can take you home.

Me: can you guys just drop me off near my apartment? I want to walk.

Manager: Alright I can drop you off 5 blocks from your building? Right before we turn for the dorm?

Me: thank you. Sorry again.

Manager: no worries. Go inside and you can sit in front.

I go over to my best friend and give her a long hug.

Me: Thanks. Love you, I will protect you how you protected me tonight. I got your back, babe. Sorry you had to do it though.

Y/BFF/N: I get that you really love that fucking ass. Sit beside me. Quail *to hanbin* stay in front.

The tears refuse to fall from my eyes now, probably because I’m way too tired to cry or probably because I’m too embarrassed. None of us speak during the car ride and when I get to my drop off,we quietly say our good byes and I say another apology before closing the door.

I was about to walk away when Donghyuk runs after me and says “She said I can stay with you.” He shows me the text his girlfriend sent, his girlfriend was always nice to me since I worked for her salon for two months. She was like my mom there even though she’s only three years older than I am. She knows my relationship with Donghyuk is strictly platonic or familial at most. I shrug my shoulders and he follows me.

Donghyuk: If you want to talk… I’m here and if you don’t… I’m still here.

I smile softly and continued walking. I stopped by the playground and sat on the swing.

Me: This is where we had our first kiss you know. I was so happy that he felt the same way and now I’m not sure if it was all a lie. Was he as happy as I was? Did he really feel like I was worthy of his love or was that all his ego? DongDong… For months I thought that all I had to do was wait for him to commit, to make things official. We were basically doing what couples did anyway, so the commitment was a just a stamp to make things concrete, but now… knowing that Soo Jin was in the picture… what was I in his life?

I swing myself higher while I wait for DongDong’s reply.

Donghyuk: you really loved him didn’t you?

Me: Yes, way more than I should’ve. That’s why I’m more mad at myself than at him. DongDong I know. Bro code and stuff but why didn’t you stop him from entertaining me?

It took a while before Donghyuk’s reply. He’s obviously thinking, he probably didn’t know why either.

Donghyuk: well it got complicated. I thought the thing with Soo Jin was over and that’s why he was dating you. Then she visits the dorm and that’s when we knew he started it with her again, that was I guess 3 months into you guys hanging out. I told him if he wasn’t sure he should just end it with you, since this is the second time he’s with Soo Jin. Did he tell you about her?

Me: yes.

Donghyuk: Well, he didn’t say anything it was always “I got it bro.” Until that turned into you being at the dorm more often and him calling Soo Jin when you were asleep. I sat him down one time and told him he better tell you or Soo Jin because in the end he was just hurting all of you, but he didn’t listen to me. So I tried my best for you not to find out, because to be honest I like you more than Soo Jin.

Me: Thanks hahah. *I laugh but my heart isn’t in it*

Donghyuk: I’m sorry. I should’ve just been honest with you.

Me: Let’s get going, it’s almost 4am. I still have work at lunch. Do you have a schedule?

Donghyuk: rest day.

Me: Great then you can get breakfast later hahah.

We walk to my apartment and was shocked to see Bobby waiting for me at my door.

Me: What are you doing here?

Bobby: WE neEeeed to taaaallk.

He’s drunk and looks like he’s been crying. I open the door and Donghyuk brings him in. I open the lights and start brewing coffee immediately. The apartment is just enough to fit the three of us.

Me: Bobby sit down. *I hand him a glass of water.* drink this.

Bobby: it’s Bobby now? What happened to “babe?”

Me: just drink it.

Bobby looks at Donghyuk and asks why he’s here with us. Donghyuk tells him that he walked me home and that he’s going to take care of the mess Bobby left behind, a.k.a me.

Bobby: I’m sorry I called you a whore. I know you’re not that kind of woman. I talked to Soo Jin, she’s done with me. I don’t know what to do. You always know what to say, she’s the love of my life and I messed it up.

He starts crying again and the words sting me. He doesn’t love me. Donghyuk sees how hard I’m trying not to cry. I look away from Bobby and grab tissues for us both. I hand him some and he wipes his face.

Bobby: I’m sorry. I know it hurts you… I just don’t know who to go to. My love for you is different, it was like I love you at the same level as her but in a different place. It was really shitty that you told her, but I get it.

Me: she needed to know the truth. Am I glad that we’re all hurting? No. Bobby to be honest I want you to love me as much as you love her but that’s not something you force out of a person. You love her but you kept me with you. You knew how much I loved you and how vulnerable I was to you. I don’t understand why you did what you did and I’m not going to try to. I cant help you with your problem, maybe you can talk to her and just be honest not only to her but to yourself as well.

I stand up and make everyone a cup of coffee. Both guys like it without milk and mildy sweet. I hand them their cups. I nurse mine while I sit on the floor next to my futon.

Me: I don’t know if she can forgive you or me. Granted I didn’t know she was in the picture to begin with. Bobby you fucked up big time. Own up to it. You both can sleep here tonight. You know where the extra mattress is. I’m going to get ready for bed and sleep. I have work and that’s more important to me than this. I can’t risk my work sucking just because I love you.

I head to the bathroom to take a shower. I can hear Donghyuk talking but I couldn’t make out his words. I put on my pajamas and slapped some moisturizer on my face. I head to my bed but the two guys look like they’re about to fight again.

Me: yo. Please stop. DongDong I’m fine, I won’t die because this asshole right here couldn’t keep it in his pants. You *points to Bobby*stop. Let’s just sleep okay? If I hear or see you two fighting, I’m going to kick you out and without your coats. Freeze to death motherfuckers.

They listen and was now fixing the extra mattress. Bobby moves to sleep next to me but Donghyuk stops him “you better not sleep beside her.” “Out of habit. Sorry.” I fix my alarm and slipped my earphones in. Hopefully I wont be late to work later.

I woke up to the smell of bacon. Donghyuk was cooking while Bobby slept on a pile of pillows separating him from me. I check my phone it was 9:30 just enough time to get ready and make it to work. I head to the bathroom to take a shower. Donghyuk asks me if I want eggs and I say yes. I get into my work clothes and put on some sunscreen. I eat as fast as I could while. Donghyuk just looks at me with sheer enjoyment. He loves it when people likes his cooking.

Me: This is amazing. Thanks DongDong, but I got to go. Mind locking up the place when the fucker wakes up?

Donghyuk chuckles and said yes.

Me: Hey no more fighting okay? You two are bros. I don’t want to be one of the reasons why you two fight.

Donghyuk: Yes noona, please eat some more.

Me: Thanks and I mean it. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’re not here for me.

Donghyuk smiles wider and gets back to cooking more bacon for himself

I finish the food on my plate and grab my bag and my coat. I say goodbye to Donghyuk and I walk to the bus stop. I mentally made a promise that whatever happened last night wont affect my work. I cant risk losing my job over some dude who didn’t even love me right.

I got home at around 11pm to say it was a long day is a huge understatement. Both the managers for Winner overbooked them today so I was pretty exhausted from just about everything. I enter my apartment and flip on the lights. Everything was in order and no trace of the two men who stayed the night before.

I get myself ready for bed but before I could finally sleep I felt paper under my pillow. I grab it and it’s a note from Bobby, it read:

Babe *crossed out* Y/N,

I’m sorry for all the things I did and put you through. You were my escape when things got stressful and you felt like you could take the pain out of my life. I thought I was falling for you not until she came back. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the man that could make you happy. I don’t deserve your love and I don’t deserve her love for what I did to both of you. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry and I hope you forgive me.

Jiwon

I crumpled the note and threw it across the room. I try to sleep knowing the tears in my eyes wont let me.

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox

[nigelolsson]

As an Intuitive Drummer, Elton John’s Nigel Olsson Can’t Be Beat

https://lasvegassun.com/blogs/kats-report/2012/oct/17/intuitive-drummer-elton-johns-nigel-olsson-cant-be/ 

By John Katsilometes, Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2012 | 6 p.m.

Nigel Olsson has always wanted to be a showman, but onstage he’s not always so showy.

At times, he might even be overlooked.

It’s not easy to lose track of the drummer in a rock band, of course, except when the man at center stage is Elton John, and his instrument -- and show -- is known as “The Million Dollar Piano.”

But Olsson, the self-described quiet one who took up drums early in his career primarily because it was a safe place to hide when fans in English pubs threw bottles at the stage, has a move that’s all his own. He pivots his body from his right to left and crashes the manhole cover-sized cymbal high atop an oversized drum set fashioned after a World War II Royal Air Force Spitfire fighter plane.

Olsson slams that cymbal with a flourish, part orchestra conductor, part lumberjack. It’s a move made by any drummer, but none strike the cymbal with quite the flair of the man who has played drums for Elton John since 1970.

This isn’t to suggest the 63-year-old Olsson has choreographed this act or is one to throw thunderbolts from behind his drum kit.

“You know, I don’t play hard. People think I play hard because of the way my drums are tuned, which is very low,” says Olsson, whose silver suit on this day matches his hair and drum set. “But I’m proud of the emotion I put into the sound. I hardly ever break sticks. They wear out, but they rarely break.

“The way I play, I want to give the emotion that comes from these incredible songs to whoever is listening. Maybe the best way to say it is I am a very descriptive drummer. I play to the piano, and to the lyrics.”

John’s “Million Dollar Piano” is in the midst of its most recent run at the Colosseum in Caesars Palace. The remaining performances in this spree are tonight through Sunday and Oct. 26-28. (In September 2011, John signed a three-year contract to perform a total of 90 shows, but Olsson said he hopes two more years might be added to that agreement; he would buy a condo in Las Vegas if that happens.)

John’s band is mostly comprised of musicians with whom he has performed for decades, but none dates back as far as Olsson.

The two met in 1969, and the first credited performance by Olsson on any John collaboration was the song “Mr. Boyd” by the soon-forgotten band Argosy. The group featured Roger Hodgson (who later founded Supertramp) on vocals and Reginald Dwight -- later to be known as Elton John -- on keyboards.

Asked about that initial project, Olsson laughs and says, “Wow, that sounds right, probably. I’ll have to check my royalty checks.” Olsson also was a member of a short-lived band called Plastic Penny, which was managed by Dick James Music, which also was the publisher of songs written by John and longtime collaborator Bernie Taupin.

“With me being around the office, I got to know all the guys, and Bernie and Elton were there writing songs for other people,” Olsson says. “I got to know them that way.”

In a nomadic path familiar to many rock drummers, Olsson shifted to the better-known Spencer Davis Group. When that band fractured, John recommended Olsson to play with Uriah Heep, a partnership that lasted “nine dates, and, I think, one record,” as Olsson recalls.

But John had more far-reaching plans, as he had just recorded his eponymous first album (using Terry Cox on drums) and was being sent to the United States on a brief but career-changing promotional tour.

John asked Olsson and bassist Dee Murray to join him for a trip to the Troubadour rock clubs in Los Angeles and San Francisco for weeklong engagements in each venue. This was in the summer of 1970, as the trio were to debut in the U.S. in late August.

The three filed into James’ office to rehearse. Among the songs sampled were “Your Song,” “Bad Side of the Moon” and “Take Me to the Pilot.”

“Within the first eight bars, I knew this was the kind of music I wanted to play,” Olsson says. “It took me totally to a different place. It was inspirational, refreshing. I thought, ‘I haven’t heard this type of music since the Beatles broke through.’ ”

Taken as a whole, the club dates were a make-or-break proposition. If they were well-received, Elton and his little band might well be on their way to international success.

If not …

“(James) said he knew a shoe store down the street (from the Troubadour in L.A.), and you can get a job making shoes,” Olsson says, laughing. “True story. So I didn’t get the job at the shoe store.”

Aside from a 10-year hiatus to pursue his chief nonmusical passion, racecars, Olsson has since been John’s primary drummer. He has been at the epicenter of some of the greatest music and performances in the history of rock music, yet is nonchalant about his rise to fame. From that opening night at the Troubadour (which is memorialized in a color-splashed montage during John’s show at the Colosseum), when Neil Diamond, Quincy Jones, Gordon Lightfoot, Leon Russell and Mike Love of the Beach Boys were in the audience, Olsson has remained hard focused on the music.

“We didn’t have time to figure out what was going on. We were working nonstop,” he says. “We’d go in and record an album, then go and tour. We always were touring some songs that were still in the can, basically, and we didn’t have time to sit back and think, ‘Wow! We’re getting big time here!’ ”

When asked of his music inspirations, Olsson first mentions the Beatles. Many of his references to his playing style, or even his personal disposition -- unassuming, like Ringo -- are geared toward the Fab Four.

“I would say that I’m not a technical drummer at all. I can’t read music. The way I love to play is just putting the headphones on and listening to the Beatles,” Olsson says. “I idolized Ringo. I modeled my playing after him. I loved his work on songs like ‘I Am the Walrus,’ and from him I learned that what you leave out makes it work.”

Olsson favors ballads, quickly listing “Someone Saved My Life Tonight,” “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” “Circle of Life” and “Empty Garden,” the tribute to John Lennon just added to the Colosseum set, as his favorites.

“When you play the ballads, you can feel the warmth from the crowd,” he says. “We play the same songs every night, the exact same show, but the feeling from the crowd is always special, you can really feel that each night.”

Asked to name another drummer he counts as an influence, Olsson’s answer raises an eyebrow: Stevie Wonder.

“Believe it or not, yeah, the way he plays drums is amazing,” Olsson says, grinning. “I worked with him on the ‘Songs in the Key of Life’ album because I was doing a solo record in the same studio complex (the Record Plant in Hollywood). He heard my drums that Slingerland (Drum Company) had especially built for me and said, ‘Can I borrow your drums?’ So I called the company and asked if it would be possible to make a drum kit exactly the same as mine for Stevie Wonder. They said, ‘Stevie Wonder? What?’ but stopped the production line and had them sent within a week.”

Olsson stops at that story and says, “Funny, isn’t it? Who you meet?”

But Olsson is not terribly fond of telling Elton stories. Years ago, he grew tired of the questions about the iconic, and occasionally temperamental, superstar. “Everyone wanted to know, ‘How many pairs of glasses does he have?’ Or, ‘How high are his shoes?’ because he used to wear these knee-high boots. It was just so boring.”

But he does speak to John’s brilliance. “There’s no two ways about it. I mean, he’s a genius. He’s so kind to people, even though he’ll throw what we call ‘wobblers’ now and then.”

John threw a "wobbler" during a show at the Colosseum in May, tossing a stool and water bottles across the stage and complaining generally about his management team.

“He’ll get mad if the flowers are dead in the dressing room -- or wilting. There is a certain type of flower he hates, I can’t remember which,” Olsson says. “But he’s such a decent person. Since Zachary came along, the baby, it’s made his life a lot calmer.”

The son of John and his husband, David Furnish, Zachary turns 2 on Christmas. He was born to a surrogate mother and also is remarkable because his godmother is Lady Gaga.

“Elton sent me a video of Zachary in France when they were on holiday, in August,” Olsson says. “He’s eating lunch, and you can hear David in the background, ‘What’s that you’re eating, Zachary?’ And he says, ‘Petit pois! Peas!’ So he’s now bilingual! One of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen.”

Olsson likens John’s band to a family. Longtime members back John onstage at the Colosseum. The graybeards include guitarist Davey Johnston, keyboardist Kim Bullard and percussionist Ray Cooper (whom is a flurry of activity onstage behind Olsson). Percussionist John Mahon and bassist Matt Bissonette fill out the band. Bissonette is stepping in for the late Bob Birch, who died at age 56 of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound in August.

Birch had for years been suffering from pain in his legs and back from being hit by a truck in Montreal in 1995, an accident that nearly killed him. In the shows leading up to his death, Birch was in such pain, he played while seated on a stool.

Olsson says that when it came time to reunite the remaining band members, John pulled the musicians and crew together and said, “We all loved Bob, and we will only think happy, good thoughts about him. There will be no crying, no miserable faces, and we will always have him in our hearts.”

“Of course, by the end of it, everybody was crying,” Olsson says.

He is similarly moved when recalling the “electric” night of Thanksgiving 1974, when Lennon joined Elton and the band for three songs at Madison Square Garden. This was to pay off a bet Lennon had made with John that he would join John for that show if “Whatever Gets You Through the Night” reached No. 1. It did, and Olsson counts the moment as one of the highlights of his career.

“You would not have believed the energy of that night,” he says.

During the show at Caesars, as grainy footage of Lennon charging onstage with John plays on the Colosseum LED screen, Olsson starts the song by stepping into his bass drums with two quick beats.

“Thump-thump” is the sound, and the descriptive drummer is keeping perfect time with every heartbeat in the room.

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to Orphan Black: 101-103

WHO IS TRYING TO KILL THEM AND WHAT IS THIS CLONE STUFF AHHHH!?

The Setup: Miri has seen all available seasons of Orphan Black and is lowkey obsessed. Liz has been interested for a while but has never watched an episode until now! Kris has seen the first season (and will eventually finish) and Marchae has seen everything.

As always, notes after the fact are in italics. Up next: Miri and Marchae react to Issa Rae’s Insecure.

MIRI: Ok, so what did you think about the glory that is Orphan Black??

LIZ: I think I have so MUCH ahead of me (I’ve watched 2.5 episodes as of now)! I also feel like I have more questions than comments, but don’t give into my thirst for spoilers.. I don’t really mean it, but DAMNNNN!

MIRI: Hahahah I will do my best not to give in

LIZ: Felix is amazing and I want to go to his apartment and paint with him

MIRI: because they really unfold the mystery of it all so damn well

Felix!!! ❤️

LIZ: Right, this is an interesting show to REACT to because I know that there is so much MORE!

MIRI: DON’T snap towels at me, Bobby! I had a very traumatic childhood!

LIZ: Maybe I should lay out my main questions to just get them out of my system/

MIRI: Do it

LIZ: 1. Sarah, how are you going to keep up this “pretending to be a cop” thing!? The second hand stress from this.. good grief.

2. WHAT’S UP WITH HER KID? I am mad at her, but I know something redeeming about why she had to leave (I hope) is coming...?

MARCHAE: Liz, you have no idea! She definitely redeems herself in many ways and it gets more screwy as the series goes on. I definitely think giving her a kid also makes her so much more nuanced!!

MIRI: Sarah Manning thrives on stress. Sarah Manning eats stress for breakfast. Sarah Manning also has poor planning skills

MARCHAE: @miri this is perfect!

LIZ: 3. I can’t see her being with that vick the dick.. she makes bad decisions, obviously, but she is smart and strong and to me, that didn’t add up, but I do appreciate his interactions with felix

MARCHAE: I felt the same way for a long time Liz and it is quite incongruent with the character that they create. But I think it definitely shows that strong women can make bad mistakes. I also think that Sarah thinks she wants to be bad… like it’s her default.

MIRI: This is genuinely just the tip of the WHAT’S UP WITH HER KID iceberg in many ways

LIZ: 4. WHO IS TRYING TO KILL THEM? HOW MANY CLONES ARE THERE? AHHHHH!

She clearly has poor planning skills

MIRI: 3) Honestly, that is a slight flaw in the show for me. They don’t make him appealing/charming enough to justify it

LIZ: The shit that Elizabeth Childs was into seems to be pretty sinister.. some dirty cop cover up stuff I suspect?

MIRI: 3a) But Sarah is wicked self-destructive, so that does make some sense on that score

4) HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHA I’m not telling

LIZ: I feel like the clones and their vastly different personalities (btw.. she deserves ALL the emmys) are so interesting as far as the different types of femininity that one person could end up taking on.. does that make sense?

MARCHAE: **PREACH**

MIRI: Beth is a source of a lot of questions. They actually do an amazing job of spooling that out over a long stretch

That makes total sense!

LIZ: This is hard to comment on, because I KNOW that I don’t know the half of it and I don’t want to GUESS

MIRI: It’s one of my favorite things about the show

It’s inherently feminist by the sheer fact that there are so many different types of women playing significant roles

And Tatiana Mislay does deserve all the Emmys

Thanks, autocorrect

She has one from last season

LIZ: I know she has the one!

MIRI: Just wait, though--you haven’t even seen her being a clone pretending to be another clone that we already know as a character. It’s just incredible

She uses music to get into the headspace of each clone, which I find really interesting

LIZ: Wow!

KRIS: Everyone should read this New York Times piece from a few years ago, The Many Faces of Tatiana Maslany. “Stephen Lynch, the show’s makeup artist, told me that he is often asked what prosthetic piece he uses for a particular clone’s nose. (The answer: none.) Once, Maslany’s mother was on set watching her own daughter and wondered aloud when Tatiana would be back.”

MIRI: They also do some really cool production stuff to differentiate the clones--i.e. they use more expensive makeup on a clone with more money than they do when she’s playing Sarah

LIZ: Yeah, I should’ve done this after watching a full season! That’s amazing.. something I found refreshing (even in the lovely age of tv that we are in now) was that it has strong female characters that are flawed and driving the action (duh) and that it is unapologetically (from day 1) not putting any of them into traditional femininity boxes... even the soccer mom is a gun wielding bad ass and there’s no focus on her domestic role as far as the plot of the show is concerned (so far)

MIRI: There is an official podcast that I recommend for anyone wanting to know more behind the scenes info! (Don’t listen ahead of the episodes you’ve seen though!)

We can talk again after the first season!

Wine Mom Allyson Alison Hendrix! Love her

Her domestic life does come into play later, but it’s in really lovely ways

MARCHAE: I’m sorry Miri, I feel like our friendship has ended… HOW HAVE YOU NOT TOLD ME THERE WAS A PODCAST!!!

MIRI: OH MY GOD I’M SO SORRY MARCHAE PLEASE COME BACK I LOVE YOU

KRIS: I’ve only seen the first season but Alison is probably my favorite, maybe because I identify strongly with uptight characters whom everyone else thinks needs to Goddamn Relax. DON’T RELAX IF IT’S NOT RELAXING, ALISON, YOU DO YOU. I also had my own weird “which Maslany is this” moment when I caught myself thinking, later in the season when Felix and Alison have scenes together, that these actors had more fun chemistry than Felix and Sarah.

LIZ: Sarah’s role as a mother is so gloriously screwed up and we also aren’t concerned AT ALL about her romantic life and there are so many seemingly progressive shows that CAN’T HELP but make a romantic storyline at least a PART of the leading lady’s life!

MIRI: I love that she and Sarah both have fierce/protective love for their children but in SUCH different ways

Very true!

We all know that I am a SUCKER for sibling dynamics and the Sarah/Felix relationship is just killer

LIZ: I love how she slips into different accents. Each clone feels like an actual different person.. I am in awe of that

I agree!

So far, I think I’ve met the detective (right before she killed herself.. but i don’t even buy that), the scientist, the mother, the “whatever sarah is”, and the german (just because I feel like there will be more)

MIRI: Hahahahhaa

Just to get the names out there:

LIZ: Thank you! Hahaha

MIRI: The Detective is Beth, the scientist is Cosima, the mother is Allyson Alison, Sarah is basically a con artist (at least at the moment), and the German is Katya (though she mostly gets referred to as the German)

So you actually have not met one of my favorites yet and I will say nothing more than that at this point

LIZ: I am excited to meet her.

MIRI: I was actually talking with Andrew the other day and he brought up a really interesting point--the pilot is an amazing and effective standalone, but it’s also kind of a three part intro.

The pilot hooks you completely, but you don’t learn about some of the huge building blocks of this world until the second and third eps

It’s really interesting

LIZ: Oh another reaction I had was that these HUGE traumatic things are happening to and around these women, (seeing the german be shot in the head and having to bury her, seeing Beth die.. and more) and they aren’t crumbling and crying with some wine and ice cream (tv sad woman who CANT DEAL trope)but they kind of go into fight mode and become MORE active and bad ass, which I love.

MARCHAE:  I actually hadn’t thought about it this way which I say is to the shows credit. We are introduced into this world where being a strong woman (even as an Alison Hendrix who you would assume is docile) is a given. I don’t expect them not to be badassess. I think it’s the set up. We meet Beth who offs herself and then Sarah’s already planning from that moment how to work this from the beginning. So the show assumes we already believe we live in a world where “them females are strong as hell” and strong can be different for each woman. Cosima’s strength is in her mind. Beth’s is physical and strategy, Alison’s is legitimately the personification of craftiness.  It is awesome. ( I won’t spoil who has yet to come) but they all offer and personify these areas of feminism that are often overlooked or given a negative connotation when they are assigned to us.

MIRI: I was going to say that Cosima’s strength is also her love, but then I realized that is also true for Sarah. And Alison. And then I dissolved into a puddle of my feelings about Orphan Black.

MIRI: Yes!

LIZ: I agree.. the word clone isn’t used in the pilot at all!

I think not until the 3rd ep maybe?

MIRI: Exactly! Which you forget once you’ve seen it. They really string out the tension beautifully

LIZ: This kind of reaction to trauma is more realistic to me than the wine cry.

MIRI: In the interest of honesty, I have had a few wine cries in my life, but all of them have been related to the crushing existential dread of job searching after grad school, rather than major life traumas

MIRI: Totally! They get shit done when they have to

LIZ: The women I know in my real life get shit done when bad things happen

yesss!

jink

jinx

hahaha

MIRI: And then later on in the run, they are given the chance to fall apart

which is also realistic!

LIZ: Yeah, they need to at some point!

MIRI: Again, through the sheer presence of so many women (and having to work hard to differentiate them!) the show does so much showing of women as different

which is what I think we really need!

LIZ: It’s so hard to focus my brain to stick to the episodes I’ve watched and explore those thoughts because they build the suspense so well that i just want to know more and more!

MIRI: Well, put your questions out there! I won’t answer but they’re a nice reminder of what is revealed when and how well they raise all of those questions

LIZ: The more female driven amazing shows I watch, the more infuriated I get when I see more of the same from other shows (which is not really fair, but when you know that something like this is out there.. it’s so hard to accept stereotypes and weak or sexualized female roles which are still so rampant)

MIRI: It is fair! Keep your anger! Let it fuel you to make more amazing and female driven content!!!!

LIZ: My main question is WHEN IS SARAH GOING TO BE FOUND OUT TO NOT BE A COP AT WORK? Are they like the worst detectives or what?  Then.... WHO IS TRYING TO KILL THEM AND WHAT IS THIS CLONE STUFF AHHHH!?

MIRI: It clearly can be done AND BE SUCCESSFUL so there are no more excuses for shitty 5:1 ratios, sorry

Are they bad detectives or is she just a super awesome con woman?!

Seriously, that sequence of her destroying the credit card and learning how to play Beth is amazing in so many ways

LIZ: She kept saying she needed the money mostly because of a domestic issue and her male partner didn’t seem to give a shit about her safety and that really upset me and lead me to believe that he is either so principled that it is his fault or he is bad news bears...that is kind of a question ha

MIRI: Oh Art

LIZ: She’s a good con woman, but she doesn’t know how to talk or act like a cop and she’s stumbled in front of them so many times that I am confused.

MIRI: That is fair

LIZ: I agree about the Beth stuff.. she did study how to be her in that way so watch some damn detective stuff so you know what the lingo is, girl!

MIRI: Hahahahaha

Sarah Manning does not do her due diligence of tv watching

That is a valid criticism

LIZ: She can’t be still

she may have ADHD

I also have questions about the science of cloning

MIRI: I may not have answers but let’s not let that stop us

LIZ: and about how easily felix faked her death and funeral, while being the closest person to her and obviously not sad that she is dead and doing things like taking HER call during HER funeral.. that was hilarious, but how dumb are people!?

MIRI: DO NOT INSULT STEAMPUNK BOB THAT WAY

(was that his name? I feel like I’ve gotten it wrong but the enthusiasm is what should be counted)

MIRI: His name is Rockabilly Bob and I am ashamed to have forgotten it

LIZ: Well, I have questions about how similar each of them are and the whole nature v nurture thing.. am I going to figure out that each of these drastically different ladies have the same core personality flaw that manifests in various ways ORRRRR are we meant to believe (seems like this is more likely right now) that their personalities are a product of their environment and they really are so different and it is creepy that they share the same genetic makeup and have nothing else in common?!!!?!

I am not sure, but AHAHAH about Bob .. so sorry

MIRI: Well my non-answer to that would be look at siblings

Obviously less closely genetically related than clones

But--even growing up in the same house!--can be very different while sharing significant portions of DNA

So every little change changes a lot, is my opinion

LIZ: Also, are any of the clones suffering from anything that is hereditary?

MIRI: I also think gene expression is a factor--even two genetically identical people will have physical differences because the same genes are not always expressed the same way

LIZ: Also, do you think the show is making any statements about anything I’ve grabbed onto from these first episodes, whether that is femininity, nurture v nature, family, crime, or literally anything?

MIRI: You see that with identical twins who have physical differences

Oh! Identical twins are a much better illustration of my earlier point

Same DNA, different people

LIZ: Yeah environmental factors can cause genes to mutate faster (if at all)

WE ARE SUCH SCIENTISTS RIGHT NOW

MIRI: SCIENCE, BITCHES

I definitely think the show is making statements

I will not comment on what they are yet

I will say that sometimes they find the statements as they go

LIZ: here to save the world with pure conjecture and a lot of blind confidence (that is the rest of the song.. SCIENCE BITCHES)

I have a lot to do today... but I must keep watching.. honestly, I’m shocked that i am not halfway through season 3 right now with my binging practices

I knew I saved this show (which I knew I’d love because I trust my friends and their tastes) for a great reason haha

MIRI: My favorite example of finding the meaning as they go is a clone you see in passing in one season and do not meet until the next season. She was designed as kind of a joke--how totally crazy a version of Tat can we put together--and then they took that very one dimensional person and went deeper to find a genuine character beneath her. It wasn’t necessary and it really works

Yay for the right show at the right time!

LIZ: Ooo I am so excited

is that your favorite character?

or is that just another

MIRI: Nope!

LIZ: how many clones are there?

MIRI: Although I do adore her

NOT TELLING

LIZ: ha

MIRI: Also i don’t think I know definitively yet

LIZ: This show must be a bitch to edit and to make in general, but I SO appreciate the efforts

MIRI: Yes!

Omg can we talk about the scenes with more than one clone in them

MARCHAE: Liz there is a great video out there where they show how they edit with TM dancing and they edit each one in and out of the scene :) it’s a delight.

KRIS: Here it is! There may be a mild to moderate spoiler in this about character allegiances but there’s no dialogue so I’ll leave it to Miri and Marchae to decide if Lemon can watch it (I haven’t seen this season).

MIRI: LEMON IS NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH IT, nor is anyone else who hasn’t seen OB yet. The relationships between some of the characters change pretty drastically between first meeting and this, and they play that change out so beautifully that I don’t want it ruined for anyone. Come back later! The video will still be here!

LIZ: of course!

MIRI: because the more you learn about how they actually do it the more in awe you will be

So there is an actress named Lexi Kathryn Alexandre

MIRI: Did I genuinely not question thinking that someone had named their child Lexi Alexandre? That is a comic book villain’s name.

KRIS: Actually I assumed you were thinking of Lexi Alexander, the director of Punisher War Zone and a few episodes of superhero TV.

MIRI: Oh no (pronounce that in your head like Phoebe on Friends for full effect). Now I am both forgetful and a little mean to Lexi Alexander/her parents. And of course you’re right.

And she is the primary stand in

So she acts as all of the clones too

KRIS: Here’s a profile of Kathryn Alexandre in Variety! (photo by Chris Woods for Variety)

LIZ: wow

MIRI: She and Tatiana Maslany have to sync their performances to such an insane level

And of course there are other stand ins for multi clone scenes

but basically they both act both parts of the scenes

LIZ: 😱

MIRI: and in different takes the camera (with a preprogrammed set of shots/moves) records both

LIZ: Does the other actress appear on the show? Imagine being an actress and never being seen but doing all that work!

MIRI: And then they digitally combine different shots

Yes! She has a small role later on

LIZ: continuity is a bitch when filming something super basic

their team is probably so good

MIRI: But the bulk of her work in never actually seen

LIZ: I always look at the makeup when I watch stuff (sorry, but can’t help it) and I am in awe of how that is used to create character and personality (or to enhance it at least)

MIRI: Gosh, I wonder why?

KRIS: Liz’s version of Marchae’s self-censoring is unnecessary apologizing.

MIRI: Tatiana Maslany brings that up in a lot of interviews--it is way more than just her own (INCREDIBLE) work

YEs!

LIZ: thats very nice of her

MIRI: They do such cool things with makeup and making it particular to the clones

Without it becoming cartoonish

LIZ: I’ve seen Tatiana be interviewed a lot and I really liked her before I ever watched

MIRI: She’s super charming

MARCHAE: Fast Fact about Marchae: She really REALLY wants to write a script for Tatiana because she is easily one of the best actresses of our time.

KRIS: I am not disputing that Tatiana Maslany is very very great, but I want to suggest that many more actresses have the ability to do what she does -- Jessica Chastain is a different person in every movie, Keri Russell was Felicity and a pie baker/waitress before she was a stone cold KGB officer, Aubrey Plaza has gone from being an adorably sullen intern on Parks and Rec to being a TERRIFYING FORCE OF NATURE on Legion -- and the problem is that the VAST majority of actresses aren’t given the opportunity to show their range. Maslany is up there with all of them, but she’s also (and I’m sure she’d be the first to say this) tremendously lucky that this has been her breakout show, because now she can’t be typecast.

LIZ: I want someone to come to my house so I can do 5 looks on them right now hahaha

yeah it is NOT cartoonish

MARCHAE: Pick me… Choose me…  

KRIS: Lemon (yes we call her Lemon, we’re super original like that, but also it fits we swear), you also have several actor friends and acquaintances, some with quite excellent cheekbones, who might not hate having a little portfolio of radically different looks.

MIRI: Come to LA and make me beautiful

LIZ: I think that the wrong actress could’ve made this show horrible (since she is like a billion people in it..that is obvious, but girl had it going on since the PILOT)

I’m not convinced that people aren’t being cloned somewhere for real btw

you are already beautiful!

MIRI: Completely! You can see her improve later as she settles into all of this insanity, but honestly she is KILLING IT from the first sequence

OH let’s talk about that opening sequence

Thoughts before I excitedly monologue?

I genuinely think it is one of the best opening sequences I’ve ever seen. And (according to the creators) it was pretty much set from the beginning

LIZ: no go ahead!

MIRI: They started with that idea--a woman waking up on a train, going down onto the platform, and seeing an identical stranger kill herself

And it’s just perfect. You know so much about Sarah by the end of it, even if you have next to no details on her life

LIZ: I have like no negative or nit picky or annoyed thoughts about this show (compared to how I feel about so many things I watch) which is a statement of some sort I’m sure, but go on!

MIRI: hahahaha you will eventually question some things

LIZ: Yeah I agree that Sarah is a defined character within seconds of first seeing her!

MIRI: But overall, it’s incredible work and I just adore it

This is making me want to rewatch the entire run in preparation for next season

LIZ: Yeah I have questions and there are some things that are a stretch!

Ha

MIRI: I think they do a phenomenal job of creating little, significant moments/choices. Like, I’m so curious as to why Beth takes off and folds her jacket before her suicide. I don’t know if there’s anything we’re supposed to glean from it but it’s so specific and personal

Ok, what else is a stretch to you so far?

LIZ: Beth seems like a neat, organized, and meticulous person so maybe that is just a nod to that

MIRI: totally could be

LIZ: Her being a detective and the fact that anyone bought that funeral hahaha i guess those are the biggest stretches for me in a show about clones and a conspiracy to murder them all

Is her boyfriend, Paul, gone forever?

MIRI: I just like that it’s a small,r realistic detail that is there because she’s a person who would do that, not because the plot demanded it

hahahahahah

LIZ: YES!

MIRI: Paul is not gone forever

he will eventually give birth to an amazing meme, which I will link here for people who have already seen all the episodes. You should not click on it if you haven’t. SPOILERS

LIZ: Ok haha although I have enjoyed some shows with spoilers in mind (like the sopranos, Lost, and probably a lot more)

MIRI: Nope, I forbid it in this case

LIZ: ok

I WILL LISTEN

MIRI: THANK YOU

LIZ: Crying doggies are going to have to go out soon.. the whining is increasing in volume and frequency!

They have zero respect

MIRI: Hahahah how dare they

Ok, a few quick things:

Do you have a favorite character yet?

LIZ: Yes ask me things and tell me things

Felix

but as far as the clones, I adore the one with the glasses (scientist)

MIRI: Cosima

***Marchae’s comment below the photo has minor SPOILERS proceed at your own risk!!!****

MARCHAE: Cosima is so REMARKABLE  and I love her relationship so much. And it is great that she falls in love with Delphine adding yet another layer to these remarkable female character and them doing whatever the F*** they want with their lives!

KRIS: I remember being deeply frustrated with Sarah more than once (in the one season I’ve seen) but never more so than when she disagreed with Cosima about something science-y.

LIZ: amazing name

MIRI: Do you have any theories about who is hunting them or why?

LIZ: zilch

MIRI: (Yeah, Cos is awesome!)

LIZ: why.. bc its illegal and they could be caught bc the clones are so spread out and have real lives and are smart/ found out about each other

MIRI: Not a question, but I want to put it out there that I miss Sarah’s Peak Punk look

LIZ: so whoever made them i think is trying to do it

MIRI: How many clones do you think you will meet this season?

LIZ: like 10? but i am sure there are a lot more

MIRI: Ok, do you have any final comments/thoughts/questions/exclamations?

LIZ: I should point out that in the notes app, I was jotting down a few things while I watched the pilot and one of them is “VICK IS A BUTTHOLE”

MIRI: Accurate

LIZ: umm I just have so many questions, but in an excited way, not in an annoyed way

MIRI: That’s good!

LIZ: Like i am pumped to figure it out and for once, I don’t know pretty much how the show is going to unfold (Aaron is always laughing at my ability to ruin shows by saying.. well clearly they are going to do this this and this)

MIRI: #filmschoolproblems

LIZ: Final comments are that I want to do this again when I am in much deeper so I can laugh at myself now for knowing SOO LITTLE

MIRI: Yes!!! We definitely should

LIZ: I do love it and I am here for it and I thank you for having me watch (or inspiring me to watch sooner than I may have on my own)

MIRI: Yay!

LIZ: ❤️

Anything else from your end that I should know or that you thought when you first watched?

MIRI: Oh I binged the hell out of the first two seasons in like a weekend the first time I watched. No coherent thoughts survived

LIZ: hahaha

MIRI: It was really interesting to go back and watch and remember just how long it takes to learn some of the basic facts of the universe

Basically, it’s one of those shows that does an amazing job of taking the viewer on the same(ish) journey as the characters--you’re only going to get in deeper as more shit reveals itself.

LIZ: so it must get really detailed and much bigger!

I can’t wait

We all hope to check back in with Liz when she makes it further in the season. And maybe Miri and Marchae will have some season 5 premiere reactions.

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF

[tryingtobe21-blog]

Letter to myself, from 24 year old Diana

Hi there.  I’m 24 year old Diana. Tomorrow I turn 25. And as I go back and read all my old “letters to myself” - jokes I didn’t read any leading up to this blog, buuuuut the times when I have gone back and read them, I’m always like "welp, I’m old now.” As if something just ticks over and boom, I’m old. It also becomes more and more ridiculous to read every year I get older, cause current me who is reading the letter from past me is always like, “You were so young and naive. You weren’t old back then. You’re old now.” But every year it’s the same thing. I freak out- because all of a sudden “I’m old”.  And I maybe cry. For what? I don’t know. And then I carry on. And rinse and repeat. I actually found this old blog a week or so ago and read like, 5 sentences and was like “eh, I’ll come back to it”. And didn’t. But as I’m on the brink of 25 and wishing I had started this a few hours earlier, I find myself typing this letter to myself as appose to writing it like I usually do. I may still write one out, cause I love looking back at my old handwriting. But it’s so interesting to read and listen to the voice of my younger self. I always actually find myself thinking- wow what a cool person. She’s so nice and supportive, and so hurt and maybe a little broken, but overall a nice person. She’s always wanting the best for her future self. Always looking back at the past with sad eyes. Looking to the future with hope. And seemingly unhappy in the present.  Annnnyway. Okay- so. How do I do this? I forget. Damn I figured it would just flow out of me, but it’s not. I’m a little stuck. I don’t even know where my old letters are to go back and read- damn I hope I can find them later.. 

Okay look- the last year, the last 365 days ago starting Sep 6th has been a real rollercoaster. For the world, for my family, for myself. 1. I have to start with Trump has been elected president. What the hell. Why this. 2. I got a new job and got MY FIRST RAISE. I moved from my >35k a year job at Inkman making stamps (and hating my life) to being a Product Designer at Preno a tech start up developing a property management app. Fancy speak for “our software helps hotels do their thang- make bookings, take payments, charge extras, send invoices etc. I’m not going into detail. But yeah. I moved from 47k to 50k if I’m not mistaken.  3. I moved out and moved in with Mark for our 4 year anniversary. Wow If I had told 16 year old Diana that her parents would let her move in with her long term boyfriend at the age of 24, she would not have believed me. Although I kinda didn’t ask. It stemmed from a huge fight where papa pulled everything out of my room while I was at Mark’s for the weekend and apparently yelled at Mama and Fat. And they rang me. And like ruined my day. And CJ and Sarah came over and I was so upset and we had to leave to go back to see them I think and clear my stuff from the hallway. And then a few days later we found a house I think? I don’t know- the timeline is all a bit hazy.  4. Mark and I celebrated our 5 years and went for our first degustation at Kazyua.  5. Grandpa passed away. And Uncle Jeff and Grand Uncle Vincent passed away :( Grandpa passing away was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was numb for months and didn’t trust my feelings or thoughts to not be grief stricken. I wish I had taken to writing at that time. Because I swear some hauntingly and honest things would have come out of me. Damn, I wish I had. Fuck. I also low-key struggle to remember how bad it was. Although I guess I could go back and listen to old Whatsapp voice notes. I really struggled with that.  6. I got Grandpas signature, a circle for a story Grand Uncle Vincent told me, and a tooth tattooed. 

7. I build Preno’s new marketing website and and I’m the process of refreshing it.  8. We redesigned Settings and Reporting.  You know- actually. See I wanted to do a year in review and a goals and values uhm, setting? Reflection? But this letter to myself is turning into that.  Okay, look I wanna make this more personal. I’m gonna tell you- a lot of bad things have happened this year. We’ve had a lot of deaths in our family. I watched grandpas casket burn. It’s etched into my memory. But I also celebrated a milestone with my work and boyfriend. I up-skilled in my job. I became really good friends with Amanda Teo. I’m leaning eyeshadow. I started a blog that has yet to launch. I moved out. I’m pretty happy. I’m trending upwards. And the bad stuff- well, I guess that’s got to happen. Right? Death is inevitable.  I want to tell you, 24 was a happy year. It was an incredibly sad year but also a good year. You’ve grown so much, looking back to the incredibly dark and unhappy girl you once were. You did design and got a job in it. You followed your dream and worked hard. Continue to work hard! Oh! You’re going to the gym now! It’s great! You’ve never been so fit and strong. When people ask “do you even lift?” you can say “yes, yes I do”. Wonder Woman came out and never have you ever heard your name said that many time. You have a Naruto tattoo in mind. Uhm. Please look after Grandma. She’s you last one. And she’s old. You currently give her money when you can. And visit her every week. Please go with her to buy a sari. It may be your last chance. You asked mama and papa for jewellery for Christmas. I’m/you’re (wow I’m bad at this like 1st person, 3rd person thing, I’m gonna stick to I) I’m really excited. You’re happy. And you’re doing well. I’m so proud of you, of where you came from and where you are now. Our parents rarely said they were happy for us. But I am happy for us. Remember you cant fight every idiot that you come across, or you’d get nowhere. But don’t be afraid to express yourself. Talking to the opposite sex isn’t flirting. You don’t owe anyone a relationship status. If they read you wrong then that’s on them, you can’t assume everyone is “up for grabs you pig”. You’re a feminist and be proud of it. Don’t get mad at Mark, just explain things to him calmly. He will learn. Talk to him. He loves you. It’s okay not to know things, and it doesn’t show weakness to not know things, just go an find out. Take your vitamins. Looks after your body, it’s the only one you have. Think about in input versus the output. The investment versus the return. Is the energy you put into a certain action going to be worth the outcome? Sometimes it’s best to think of the desired outcome and find the best path to that. Life is like a big chess game. Too bad I’m shit at chess. Tell mama and papa you love them whenever you can. It’s hard to type but you don’t know how long you have the people you love. Treat Mark every now and then, he looks after you. And pays for shit for you. SAVE YOUR MONEY. Think about the long term happiness over the short term. Please. This year you have not been good with money, although you have a bunch of cool things. OMG you have your USA trip coming up - for CJ and Sarah’s wedding, how grown up is it to be travelling for a wedding. Ooh-la-la. What a grown up. Jokes I had chocolate for breakfast yesterday.  I hope Aunty Yvonne buys me that Hello Kitty balloon.  I don’t know what else to say. I’m rambling at this point. And always leave things too late. Things being to write this letter. I will review my year and goals etc. tomorrow. What’s another day. Hahah. Uhm, yeah. Look after yourself and the ones you love. Try not to worry and stress too much. Try do what’s best for you and those around you. Be selfless but selfish when you need to. You don’t owe anybody anything except those who are important to you. Love yourself. Be safe. I love you and I’m proud of you. Be good to yourself. Stay cool. Be lame. Continue to not care what people think (although we know you kinda still do).  Lots of love

Kind regards

See you next year (although hopefully before then), 

24 year old Diana.