#but i also struggle with self-control/impulse control because… obviously

[pollenallergie]

:/

[mediumgayitalian]

If there’s one thing Will is, it’s committed to the bit.

Is there, perhaps, a touch of regret in his heart as he shivers, freezing, clad in nothing but his t-shirt and cargo shorts? Had he been told, before he left his cabin, by his long-suffering siblings that he was going to regret not wearing a sweater? Was the none-too-gentle reminder sixty-four percent of the reason he’d stubbornly refused the sweater he’d originally been planning on wearing in the first place?

Yes, yes, and no, surprisingly; take that, predictability allegations. He’s spontaneous as shit.

(Eight-three percent.)

(Whatever.)

He walks under a shadowy tree, briefly enveloping him in a deeper cold. He tries and fails to hold back a shudder.

“You’re cold,” says a critical voice to his left.

“I’ve never experienced even a mild case of hypothyroidism-borne boreal temperature intolerance even one time in my life, di Angelo, so check and mate.”

Unfortunately, the second half of his sentence is garbled by both his chattering teeth and his throat beginning to close. Curse you, Apollonian inability to lie. Will has people to gaslight, and a reputation to protect.

“You’re an idiot.”

Will wheezes. After three or four attempts, and the threat from his brain to his lungs that he will self-tracheotomize, really, he will, just try and fuck around cause you will sure as shit find out, bitch, he manages to clear his airways enough to employ his vocal chords (which, actually, are inaptly named. They are not chords, they are membranophones. Obviously).

“Nuh uh.”

“You really are an idiot. A frozen one.” Nico huffs. There is the sound of rustling, and for a moment Will is blindingly jealous of his friend’s night vision. He wants to snoop around in the dark to identify rustling sounds. How come he only glows when he’s embarrassed? He gets the stupidest Apollo powers. “Take my coat.”

Before Will can do much as protest, a heavy, undoubtedly warm jacket is shoved in his pockets.

“If you don’t wear it I’ll shadow travel to Slovakia,” Nico threatens. “And it’s winter for them right now, too, so I’ll pop out and immediately succumb to the elements.”

Will’s turn to be huffy, he slides the stupid jacket onto his arms. Immediately, he’s filled with a warmth so potent he feels as if he can almost fix his many mental problems. It’s glorious.

“Jacket smells like you, stink-face,” he says instead. He buries his nose in the collar and takes a deep inhale, closing his eyes as he savours the smell of woodsmoke, leather, and, amusingly, a little bit of oregano.

“Remind me to stab you tomorrow morning. It’s been too long.”

“It’s been three days,” Will argues, but dutifully makes a mental note.

Nico seems pleased.

They finally break through the woods’ borders, stepping into the torchlight of camp, late evening. Will spots three couples sucking face behind their cabin. He then spies thrice as many Hermes kids up to nefarious deeds, such as attaching timed fireworks to windows and doorways for a fun morning surprise. Will makes a mental note, under the stabbing reminder, to prepare burn salve tomorrow morning. And to hide Cecil in his office for his own protection, because he’s a good friend like that.

“Thank you for getting herbs with me,” Will says, turning to Nico. He smiles, trying to pour as much gratitude into his voice as he can. “I hate going alone.”

“Yeah,” says Nico, stiffly. He looks everywhere but Will’s face. When Will does not look away, he glances over, scowling at Will’s broadening grin. “Whatever, Solace. Don’t be so needy, next time.”

Tactfully, Will refrains from mentioning that he had not asked for Nico’s accompaniment at all, actually, and was halfway to the forest with a list of ingredients when Nico had shown up, red-faced, and snatched Will’s list clean out of his hands and muttered something about incompetence and monster baiting fools.

“I still appreciate it,” he says diplomatically, and then, because he is an asshole and also struggles with impulse control, he leans down and pecks Nico’s forehead. “Smooch of gratitude,” he explains when Nico freezes, facial expression resembling that of a squished pear.

“Ha nngh mfgh,” Nico says after a moment. Or perhaps he said hangry muffins, Will’s not sure, sometimes his hearing aids go wonky.

“Indeed,” he says anyway. He leans down to smooch Nico’s forehead again, because it was nice, and because he didn’t get stabbed the first time. “See you in the morning, Neeks. Love you bunches and bunches.”

“Hngh daga,” Nico responds, and when Will pouts he clears his throat and rectifies, “I love you…too?”

Will nods, satisfied. “Yes, exactly. Goodnight.”

He jogs off, waving. It isn’t until he gets back to his cabin and is immediately accosted by his siblings that he realises that he has stolen Nico’s jacket.

“Hm.” He glances down at it. It really is a wonderful jacket. And, plus, Nico didn’t give him a return date, or anything, so it’s probably fine if he keeps it a little longer.

He doesn’t want to get cold, after all.

[allwormdiet]

Extermination 8.6

Typical American healthcare experience

Legitimately I'm unsure how Skitter is the only villain who loses their fucking mind in the field hospital. This is unbearably claustrophobic and torturous to just put someone through because they're on the away team instead of the home team

So, she's wrong, obviously. But her own tendencies towards distrusting others, especially authority, is only part of the equation. The other part of the equation is that the Protectorate (Armsmaster) wasn't being good to her even before she started "infiltrating" the Undersiders, and we've seen the system allow for some remarkable acts of cruelty along the way; Canary was gagged and put in confoam and chains in a public space, in a court of fucking law, because she could theoretically have super strength.

The system isn't half as bad as Taylor is afraid of, but she's also lived a whole span of her life suffering because of the system's failures

I think this is legitimately, non-power triggering for Taylor, which makes everything that's about to happen that much worse.

S'fucked up. Not a whole lot to say beyond that.

Tattletale wasn't wrong to observe that Taylor isolates herself reflexively, but she reaches out to others pretty regularly, and this isn't even the worst consequence she's had for that. This is a moment of immense vulnerability that she's bearing on purpose to this girl and there's an immense horror at the thought of being ignored.

An answer, finally, and it still hurts

She doesn't even know if she can trust a gesture of kindness like this

I don't even know if she can trust a gesture of kindness like this. Not to doubt the nurse-in-training but more doubting the PRT being cool about it, especially with the reveal coming up they could use to justify it

She's trying, I don't know if it worked but she's trying.

I mean hey, it's something to fucking do, right

Also hey Panacea, looking forward to your totally benign contributions to the course of this arc

Oh Amy, you charmer you

Oh wow what an extremely cool and normal thing to believe about how ethics and humanity work, I'm sure this is based in absolutely real things and not at all being raised by a family of supercops, and also that there are absolutely no repercussions for how this way of thinking might fuck people up who are struggling with negative thoughts or impulses, huh Panacea

Also what an interesting way to mirror Alan Barnes, noted piece of shit, very cool and normal

I know where Taylor is coming from with all of this, but nobody in the story does, and also it's extremely fucking funny that this is a self-avowed supervillain saying these things

Neat detail tbh

The brain thing I get, longstanding stance on even approaching brains, but damn, not even the nerve damage?

Also yeah Taylor, you're a fucking maniac, I don't know how or where you got the drive to operate like that but you're crazy lucky Rachel was there to keep it from killing you

So the nerve thing I get, right, but uhh

This is where Panacea starts to read as pretty sadistic

She's got someone under the mercy of her healing, someone who she's got a grudge against for a multitude of reasons, and unlike the cancer patients and dying children she's allowed to express her resentment towards Skitter, at which point she immediately does so

Also I'm not sure if the line about her "slipping up" with the pain is actually true or if she's punishing Skitter for talking too much

This is pretty dark, actually. If we keep this limited entirely to the bank interaction, Panacea has Skitter under her mercy the same way Skitter had Panacea at knifepoint barely a month ago, but Panacea is doing very little to hide the fact that she's taunting now that she's the one in control.

I'm reminded a bit of those conversations about nurses who were abusing or harassing patients because this was someone vulnerable that they had control over, with little to no recourse even when it's done. Having a career, having a power, where someone's life and comfort and safety is in your hands, and squeezing your grip just enough to make it uncomfortable

As if I didn't have enough reasons to dread Amy's arc in this story

That most heroic of principles, "eye for an eye." There has never been an instance where a self-described good person has used reciprocity as a justification to harm or harass someone they've decided is a bad person in a way that, hey, actually isn't so justified.

So this next part is Amy's fault? Like yeah, Taylor did it, but she did it because she's fucking terrified, and she's fucking terrified because Amy deliberately stoked her fears, gloating about how fucked she was even though she doesn't actually know what's coming, because Amy is a good person and Taylor is a bad person

Dun dun dun

...Yeah no I knew this one already, hard to not be spoiled on this one

Anyway, Taylor done fucked up and now the consequences are coming down fast

Current Thoughts

Amy I'm trying really hard to be sympathetic to you but if you're gonna keep tormenting people under your care because you don't like them and can get away with it there's only so far I can go

This next chapter is gonna be fucking rough

[thatgirl4815]

Self-Destruction

Ray has defied expectations so many times in the last two episodes. Though he is certainly bratty and impulsive, he's also not nearly as bratty as I was inclined to believe before the series aired. This got me thinking about defense mechanisms, and the way Ray's persona could be curated to match the person he wants to be, not necessarily the one he sees himself as.

As evidenced by his reaction to waking up at Sand's place in Ep1, Ray's own sense of self is directly intertwined with wealth. I suspect he's lived his entire life in luxury; more importantly, he's lived with constant comments about this luxury from those around him (come to think of it, how many Ray scenes have there been so far where his wealth hasn't been mentioned?). I'd argue Ray's construction of self is tied up in his money too; he even tells Mew in Ep1 that the only thing he knows how to do with money is spend it. He knows how important money is to his image because there's no escaping it.

So when Sand references the financial disparity between them in Ep2, Ray surely expects it. But instead of growing defensive, we see Ray react to nearly every one of Sand's jabs with a laugh, even the ones that seem particularly targeted at his deepest struggles. Such as--

Ray isn't only a "spoiled, rich brat here"--he's "lonely," and that's the bit that we've seen reiterated throughout this episode. I'd wager it goes much farther back than the show itself, given the subtle references to it in Ep1 with his friend group (i.e., how when he's drunk he always begs them not to leave him). This could be a sign of abandonment issues, likely to do with his mother's death and his father's supposed lack of (emotional) involvement in his life (there's no proof of this yet, but I'd put money on it).

I think Ray has two go-to defenses. The first is alcohol. Understandably, this numbs him to any loneliness he might feel. The second is carelessness--more specifically, the impression of carelessness. There's this common notion that if one pretends to feel a certain way, they might actually begin to feel that way. The same could be said here. If Ray acts unbothered, then he can convince himself that he really is unbothered. The persona blurs with reality until they become one and the same.

Obviously there are consequences to each of these defenses. Alcohol can lead to dependency, creating a greater need that develops into alcoholism. Acting is also dangerous because it's a form of suppression--an attempt at persuasion. It's a desperate man's effort to convince himself he's fine. But this only leads all of one's bad feelings to fester deep inside and create an even larger hole.

The arguable third defense against Ray's loneliness is companionship, which he seeks out in Sand. This has its own risks, as Sand seems to understand, but Ray denies. Intimacy in all its forms is particularly dangerous for Ray because it could only breed more loneliness. If he forms a deep attachment to someone, that's only giving them more power over him later. The moment his control starts to slip is the moment his defense turns into a weapon to be used against him. Again, I suspect this has roots in his mother's death, leading to abandonment and attachment issues.

In terms of future eps, once Ray realizes the control that Sand has over him, I suspect he'll deny it and brush it off. At the same time, he'll need more of it (Sand really does say it perfectly in this last scene). Eventually, this back-and-forth will create an implosion.

[hashtag-xolo]

Showing some signs of learning to settle!

I don't know the full background but Nico was raised for his first year of life in a neglectful home. From what I could glean, it sounds like he was basically left outside and mostly interacted with other dogs. He obviously had some human socialization as a pup but he never had to learn anything close to manners or patience because he was just left outside. He learned some great dog social skills but when it comes to living inside with humans and learning that we don't just let him do whatever his little xolo heart desires? Tragic, appalling, the greatest tyranny. He came with almost zero impulse control or patience with people because he never had to learn it. Learning that has been the biggest priority and why you don't see me post a lot because... It's not really thrilling stuff to post about in the interim lmao

But basically we have been working on being able to entertain himself for short periods of time, learning that demand barking isn't appropriate behavior, that some locations are forbidden (mostly for safety reasons please stop trying to get on high surfaces), and that he doesn't have to be involved in every little thing I'm doing (laundry used to be impossible when he was in the room too). He really struggles with these things and it also makes training sessions difficult because he doesn't have the impulse control to train for long without just launching himself towards me for the treat bag because he gets too excited. It's not a difficult experience but it's a slow going type of training because he's an adolescent to boot.

But last night I was able to do all of the laundry and he just stayed on the pillow and watched me or snoozed! It was really nice to see this progress. We're still working a lot on his self control around food but we will get there. I understand that for him food was scarce so that doesn't help his demanding food at every opportunity! I'm really proud of him though. He's shaping up to be a great dog.

[crossguild]

things about lovelace that are canon:

went to west point

played basketball in high school and college

basketball career cut short because of a car accident that shattered her knee

deployed in iraq

born & raised in brooklyn, NY

broke her wrist trying (unsuccessfully) rescue mason fisher in an asteroid shower

brilliant tactician, has problems with authority

described as 'both a workaholic and a prankster'

dad is a district judge, her mom was a marine

both a career military woman and a staunch liberal

the only thing about lovelace the fandom seems to talk about:

lesbian

also she's very hot

... like listen. my point here isn't that no one should headcanon her as a lesbian (i do most of the time as well!) or find her hot (i also do this), it's that it's just very obviously something primarily white fandoms do to characters of color, to project their own non-canon experience onto them rather than relating to the character on the things that are explicitly canon about them. it's also highkey fetishistic when all people can talk about with her is how she's a lesbian and they find her hot.

like, non-polish fans can relate to minkowski's desire to be taken seriously and fit in, which are things she actually has. people who aren't white men from texas are capable of relating to eiffel's self esteem and impulse control issues, which he actually has. people who aren't AIs are capable of sympathizing with hera's struggles with anxiety and disability, and extrapolate on her experiences on her terms, without projecting their own. what is it like to be a disembodied voice whose best option for 'friend' still doesn't hold you in high enough regard to not call you derogatory nicknames?

why are white fans so deeply incapable of taking isabel sofia lovelace as a character in her own right and analyzing her as she is without projecting their own experiences onto her?? why do i never hear anyone talk about how her relationship with her dad and her mom might have influenced both her decision to join the military and her political views? or about like. fucking literally anything about her that isn't predicated on their attraction to her? can we get maybe a mention of the all-but-diagnosed ptsd? that's a rhetorical question. we know why.

[meloriri]

bsd 108 spoilers !!! + F Dostoevsky’s crime and punishment spoilers i guess

im not totally convinced that fyodor’s act was completely fake honestly and ill explain why! this is just a quick thought not fully thought out so bare with me

i’m sure this is common knowledge but character backstory and personalities tend to be ripped from the author’s works rather than the actual author’s personality. Example; Akutagawa and the mc of rashoumon, dazai and the mc if no longer human, etc. if not inspired by the main character, they’re inspired by the theme of that work or many of the author’s works

f dostoevsky’s crime and punishment is a novel that follows Raskolnikov, a main character who literally kills someone because he thinks he’s special and he can. ( obviously a lot more in depth in the book lol) the book follows him in the first segment committing his crime and another segment of him receiving “punishment.” The first part is actually over fairly fast but it’s still really important to note.

while Raskolnikov is a lot more anxious and cautious than fyodor, i still see the personalities intersect. Raskolnikov goes on about how he’s going to commit this murder and thinks that it actually makes him a saviour because the woman he wanted to kill was a bad person. aka; he’s killing this lady because it’ll make the world a better place, according to him. Sounds familiar? Fyodor in BSD does his wrong doings claiming its to cleanse the world from evil. I’m sure most people already know this, but I thought I’d catch you up anyway. Raskolnikov is a man of few words, never seeming to lose his composure past the drop of a facial expression. He’s incredibly intelligent in most regards and because of that he overlooks his own flaws. He’s also kind of neurotic, he talks to himself, does things on impulse, etc. He’s not good at socializing and yet he can blend effortlessly into conversations with others. He feels a lack of remorse at any of his wrong doings. I see all these traits easily in BSD’s Fyodor.

However, in the second half of the novel, Raskolnikov faces some changes. He says he doesn’t feel guilty, and he still believes he’s in the right, and yet there’s a sense of guilt in his inner conscience that’s eating away at him. Suddenly, he gets nervous, expressive, emotional, he’s rushing to defend himself because he thinks what he did is justified because of his circumstances. He thinks he needs help. Raskolnikov doesn’t face actual punishment for his crimes until the very end of the novel, instead he struggles with the inner turmoil of knowing what he did. In the most recent chapter, Fyodor has this personality switch break down where he screams out for help and basically says he cant control it because of his ability and thats not his true self, referring to the him that apathetically kills others. Similarly, Raskolnikov breaks down multiple times in the novel, saying that the him that did that doesn’t represent him fully, that he couldn’t control it, etc. He victimizes himself, saying it’s because he’s poor and ill. In fact, he tells another character named Sonia that he cant control it because he is ill. Sounds familiar?

Raskolnikov backtracks several times in the novel, reverting back to his apathetic personality before breaking down all over again. At one point, he even confesses his entire crime, before suddenly taking on a light carefree looking and claiming to have been kidding. Literally EXACTLY what just happened with Sigma in the manga.

I don’t fully believe that Fyodor was telling the truth, but I don’t think it was all just a lie like he claimed. I personally think that the note and gun WAS from himself, that he wrote the “help me” in a similar crazed panic and hid it away. When he saw it, he was reminded and broke down again, accidentally spilling a bit too much truth in what he said. He snaps back into being normal after calming down and acts like he’s still in the other personality to trick Sigma. And, given what he said, this is somehow related to his ability.

How is it related to his ability? I have NO fucking idea. Though we have seen Fyodor with another form of himself in dead apple claiming to “crime” and “ punishment” which would check out perfectly here, theres too many other contradictions for me to be confident in that at all

What do you think??? I’m going to work through my thoughts about his ability more. then maybe I’ll add to this :)

[fryandleelasbigfling]

i think leela deserves more appreciation than she gets.

i mean obviously there’s the people who just kind of degrade her into a pinup girl, we can all agree that’s lousy. but i think even a lot of good natured fans will write her off as the no-nonsense straight man to fry and bender, the “one with the braincell,” the one who has everything together and isn’t really willing to get silly like the boys. 

and yeah that can be true, especially in earlier seasons. but i think people underappreciate leela’s development and the fact she really is a messed-up, complicated, weird woman. 

for one thing, her kickass fighting abilities are well understood, but her kung-fu skill emerged as a way to work out her anger from being bullied, so she often resorts to violence as a defense mechanism even when it isn’t necessarily needed. in “hell is other robots” she gets freaked out by the mosh pit and beats up the other concertgoers, “bender’s game” is about how her anger can overtake her and even being punished for violence won’t faze her, and in “lethal inspection” she outright admits violent outbursts are how she copes with mortality. “anthology of interest 1″ shows that she will descend into a murderous rampage at the slightest provocation if she had just a bit worse impulse control. 

she’s also really stubborn! like, she will have a full-on mental breakdown if someone insists she can’t do something, because she has such an issue with being treated as unwanted and “worthless” that she needs to prove herself as highly capable of anything. "the sting," “mobius dick” and “bender’s game” are both great examples, as is the back half of “bender’s big score” -- note the sharp turn from “happy, calm, in love, willing to let other people handle the situation” to “insists on taking charge, kicking ass, and self-isolating” after lars leaves her at the altar. 

also as great as it is that she’s more organized than fry, this veers into some weird habits like freezing all her dinners a month in advance and having a very minimalist apartment for a while. this plays into how anxious she gets about taking risks. she is very pedantic about grammar and can get ridiculously overzealous about keeping her crew safe and healthy. however she gets bored and frustrated when she doesn’t have excitement in her life. 

she is very bad at organizing papers, preferring to just hide things away even when they become too big to ignore (symbolic!), completely failing when she steps in for hermes in “lethal inspection.” she also forgot to vote despite preaching about it all episode in “a head in the polls.” she is not as infallible as she wants people to believe! she just tries harder to justify it to herself than others, because she also has a severe guilt complex -- if she admits to herself that she did something wrong, she feels she needs to be punished.

she has a lonely, mundane home life. she can struggle with creativity and settle on an unexciting option (i.e. wanting to use superpowers for “humdrum activities” in “less than hero”), which is where fry’s tendency to blurt out any idea that comes to mind comes in handy. 

despite being fairly fashionable, she sometimes struggles with traditional femininity. not just bc of her attitude and mutations but also her feet and breath stink lmao. she also has a bit of a potty mouth and has said “fuck” (bleeped out) in at least three episodes. she's a terrible singer (despite katey herself being a great singer).

she is implied to have a “hedonistic” past and used to drive around in a mausoleum as a teenager. she went to her prom alone with a dress made of carpet remains. she dropped out and “bummed around india for a while” after college. 

she has a massive soft spot for animals, including “gross” ones like leeches, and despite all her violence, she usually backs down if it means a (perceived) innocent animal will be hurt. this can sometimes backfire on her (i.e. “into the wild green yonder”). she is very protective and empathetic towards living creatures, probably cuz she never had anybody looking out for her. she likes to read books about animals to relax. 

she regularly visits the orphanarium and is very concerned with being a good role model for those kids, emphasizing especially with sally. it is repeatedly implied in the (admittedly semi-canon) comics that she wants to be a mother. 

she plays with her hair when she’s nervous or flirty. she had an anxiety attack and physically froze up when she thought a mutant was stalking her. she had a bedwetting problem as a child and even her warden still holds it over her head. 

she has repressed mental illness related to her lack of family growing up  and has a desperate need for companionship, but sets high standards so she won’t get her heart broken first. whenever she’s single, she is very cynical about love and doesn’t do well seeing happy couples. 

she seems very obsessed with normality and stability which is why she often seeks men of high status to date, even if they turn out to be jerks. however, she outgrows this after meeting her family, as she becomes extremely attached to them despite their low status and embraces her mutant culture quickly. 

her mutations are not limited to her eye. she not only has a whole episode about her now-cured genetic mutant disease, but she occasionally lays an egg and has talons on her elbows. depending on the episode, she can be quite disabled by her single eye due to her lack of depth perception. there’s also the singing boil but that episode sucks lol

she also can get really horny lol. once she’s dating fry steadily, she tends to initiate things a lot more, even in public. i think it’s sometimes more of a fanservice thing but it’s always funny to see her so down bad, especially in the comedy central era

she likes bender because of his “in your face attitude” and often has a playful dynamic with him despite disapproving of his lack of morals. she doesn’t like amy a lot of the time but they can get along and comfort each other when the time is needed. i’m not even getting into her and fry because that’s its own post.

overall i just love leela a lot, she’s such a weird, complicated, fascinating character and i could go on about her All Day. 

[sso-montana]

Catherine lives! AU

Ok so I finally got around to write this thing so here you all go, more under the cut bc it kinda got long

Also if you want me to make a post specifically abt how Catherine being alive would impact the general story tell me and I'll make one for that, too ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

Catherine always knew Montana was like her, even when she was little. At first she was hesitant to let Justin play and spend time with her but after seeing how good they got along and remembering how she never really had friends she decided to let them be.

Fast forward to Montana coming back to Jorvik and Catherine's motherly instincts I immediately kick in. Yes, she hasn't seen this girl in almost 8 years and she's grown up and changed so much. The Montana before her is so quiet and almost desperately tries to She's reminded so much of her younger self, of how lost and alone she felt and decides that she won't let this happen to another girl. Once Montana realizes she posses magic abilities and starts training with Ydris and a WIP oc of mine (it's a bit messy right now kay?) Catherine sits her down and tells her about how they're the same. Obviously Montana asks her for help and guidance, which Catherine immediately shuts down. Montanas initial reaction of anger and confusion leaves after Catherine explains that she no longer associates herself with magic, hasn't used it in years and never was that good at it. What Catherine can do though is make Montana aware of the dangers of magic, to tell her about her own mistakes, the Keepers and the Sisterhood.

And there are times when Catherine is almost scared of Montana. Because Montana isn't like her, isn't afraid to loose control. She's so full of anger and frustration and sadness right after loosing her parents and that paired with uncontrolled power is a dangerous combination. Montana isn't hurting others on accident but rather manages to keep injuring herself while learning. There are so many times she comes back to the stables and Justin and Montana sit in the saddle chamber putting creams on her arms and wrapping bandages around her hands because she burnt or cut herself. She's stubborn and impulsive and acts without thinking things through and clearly struggles with magic.

And yet she makes up for it with her sheer determination to learn, to master this power which allows her to protect what's left and Catherine can't help but be amazed at this young girl. They're the same and yet so completely different.

Of course as soon as Justin starts to get more involved with all the magic stuff Catherine is worried about him. It's not like she wasn't worried about Montana to begin with, but Justin is her son, her baby. It's the first time the two of them ever had a big argument since Justin never really fought with his mom. Even after they talk it out she's not happy with him joining Montana on trips. But after seeing his determination and desire to protect Mo, to be able to return the favor because she always protects them and he desperately wants to keep her safe, to make her understand she's not alone and doesn't have to do everything by herself, even if at times it scares him, Catherine gives in. At least she has the comfort of knowing they're looking out for each other.

Catherine isn't unfriendly to the soul riders either, quite the opposite. It would be easy to be angry at them, to hold grudges and not want a single thing to do with it, but that's not like her. Catherine isn't a hateful person. She wouldn't be angry at kids for something that their predecessors did. Elizabeth and Avalon are a different story of course, but the girls never did anything bad, she doesn't hold any grudges against them specifically. They're just kids, kids who have way too many things that they have to shoulder than anyone that age should. Those girls aren't even in their 20s and are being told the fate of Jorvik and perhaps the whole world is depending on them. That's fucked up, like, severely fucked up.

So Catherine always tells them that no matter what, they can always come to Moorland Stables. Even if she can't do much in regard to guiding them on their Soul Rider journey, she can make sure there is a place for them where they're safe.

It does hurt to see that just like her Montana feels like she doesn't fit in, doesn't belong with them. To see that cycle repeat itself. Yet Montana doesn't seem to be as bothered by it as she had been, which isn't exactly better if you hear the 'I wasn't really able to make friends after we left Jorvik, so it's nothing new' explanation.

I do think she would stay away from Valedale and the Keepers and Elizabeth as far as she can. The only time I can see her showing up again is after Justin got imprisoned and for the first time in her life Catherine is full on willing to throw hands with someone. (She doesn't. She doesn't stop Montana from doing it for her either.)

TL;DR

Catherine is basically treating Montana as her own daughter and being a great at it. She doesn't hold grudges against the current Soul Riders bc they're just kids. The Keepers can go fuck themselves she ain't dealing with them. When are Montana and Justin getting married she'd love to have her as her daughter in law

[moonyasnow]

Hey chat did you know Irina is mentally ill—

She has Borderline Personality Disorder

Since idk how much the general population knows about BPD, here are the symptoms (taken from helpguide.org)

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

The only one Irina doesn't 100% OBVIOUSLY fit is the 'explosive anger' one

But even then, I could argue she just gets angry at herself internally instead

And the rare occasions she DOES get angry at another person— basically always because she's either jealous of them spending time with her Favorite Person, or because they were cruel to her Favorite Person— it's that 'I wish you were dead' level of intensity

She's just good at hiding it most of the time

Tag list:

@another-random-paradise @thehollowwriter @cactus13-rolloflammesimp @faefum @beneathsakurashade

@nyx-of-night @theolivetree123 @babyghoul138 @skibidibabygirl

[lostfracturess]

ITS ONLY TAKEN ME A MONTH AFTER I SAID I’D SEND THIS 😭

Hi, I’m Kiko, and I get easily distracted and I put too much pressure on myself to write this so then my brain just didn’t want to even though I’ve read the chap so many times. And AHHHHH.

SO. S&C: say my name.

Holy shit. First of all, the smut? Incredible 😂 I really love the tension between these two. It’s so fun. Their banter and the payoff is truly great.

BUT AS FOR THE REST: The line that has been eating away at me for weeks is “he'd bleed for you, but couldn't heal for you.” THIS LINE. THIS LINE. OH, THE CRUEL BEAUTY OF THIS LINE. How true it is. It’s so much easier to be self-sacrificial and give into the destruction than to fight it sometimes and these two are such a good example of that. It’s clear he’s trying but addiction obviously isn’t easy to kick.

These two are so messy. So messy and it’s wonderful. They aren’t together but they are. She’s still so hurt by his former rejection, the fact that he essentially chose his addiction over her, and because of Geto’s advice on top of that, but she still loves him so much that she can’t get herself to give up and walk away

But the duality of how she truly does love all parts of him, even the ugly ones, but there’s a part of her that’s so afraid of losing him completely. That she is so conflicted and the little spiral she has when she’s thinking about how she loves him no matter what so why is she still insisting on trying to force him to quit? It’s because you love him, sweet girl. Because you care about him and don’t want to see him so miserable and in pain. You love him, but not the addiction. Because in the end, he isn’t the problem, the addiction is. It’s separating the two and I think you’ve done a good job showcasing the struggle in mentally separating them while also showing how she’s almost instinctively done it because she genuinely loves him so much.

Dumping her coffee on him was hilarious. Throwing her phone at the wall was so visceral and raw and I felt it in my bones. She was so impulsive in this part and tbh it’s relatable.

The party worries me. I totally get that she wants to have fun but sweetheart maybe find a party not being thrown by someone who wanted to drug you and take advantage of you because he’s technically gotten away with it which means he likely won’t be afraid to try it again. But you do you 👀👀

Gojo’s desire to keep her safe and from that party, her pent up frustration with how he pushed her away and now wants to act like they’re still together is just… so damn human. Yes, she knows she’s not being the smartest or most rational but that frustration and desire to have any kind of control over her own life is understandable. Again, these two are so damn messy and it’s so beautiful.

The entire bit where he’s begging her to say his name? Beautiful, heartbreaking, hot as fuck tbh. It was incredible. They’re both so depraved and it’s great 😂

Her insisting on going with him to deal with his family? That’s going to be a disaster but I eagerly await that chaos.

I feel like I was super scattered and incoherent in this and I probably forgot something but hopefully it made sense?? I’ve literally had a note in my phone to write this out in so I could do it in little spurts and then I go and just word vomit anyway… 😅

I hope you’re well and taking care of yourself!

- 💕 Kiko (@siriuslysatorusimping)

ahhhh thank you so so much for your analysis of the latest chapter, they mean so much too me as i feel like you really capture the essence of each chapter so well. sometimes i even come back to your messages to remind myself what is going on in my writing haha. kind of getting complicated with all those messy feelings.

but please don't pressure yourself for writing me these !! just pour your thoughts and they don't have to make sense or like in chronological order, i'll appreciate them either way !! <3

So messy and it’s wonderful. They aren’t together but they are.

ahhh yes, i love this so so much, idk why but that shit gets me. like knowing you're not really together bc of things happened but still are so close and intimate that it's basically still somehow a relationship. ugh, im weak.

It’s separating the two and I think you’ve done a good job showcasing the struggle in mentally separating them.

this will basically be the plot for next chapter. like digging deeper into that struggle all messy and painful hehe.

thank you again so so much for writing me !! wish you all the best and can't wait to hear your thoughts on the next chapter <3

[sapphire-weapon]

What would you say are Ashley's main character flaws? Or at least the ones you find yourself writing her with in a post-game setting. Her story is so self-contained (in a good way) that I find myself struggling to characterize her post-game in a way that feels authentic 😭 Like I don't want to make her all closed off and traumatized bc that obviously goes against her entire plot in the game but I can't pinpoint what to latch on to, y'know?

ashley overcomes a lot of her flaws throughout the course of the game. so by the time of endgame?

she's impulsive. and though she believes in herself, she still needs reassurance/validation because she's aware of her naivety. she's slightly self-centered and is desperate for acceptance and to be a part of something bigger than her.

she's very much the type of person to be like "I'M GONNA DO THIS" and then after the fact go to someone and be like "do you think i made a mistake" LMAO

like... the risks that she takes in RE4make are reasonable risks. she's not out of control or has bad judgment. but she does jump at things and then question herself after the fact. i'm thinking about the wrecking ball sequence, where she just jumps in and does it, and then after the fact was like "did you see me??????" like even she can't believe that she did it. and then immediately right after, she impulsively says to leon that she was thinking of becoming an agent, but then backs down on the idea the second he gives her a less-than-favorable response.

it's an interesting thing in her character arc tbh. early in her character arc, it's "i don't think i can do this, but i'll try" -- and then later on it becomes "i just did this, and i can't believe i did."

so in TD i write her as an enabler, kinda LMAO because leon is also impulsive but needs an excuse to be/a way to justify it in order to act. but ashley is 100% all-in, ready-to-go, and so she perfectly fills the role of the little devil on his shoulder (while secretly wondering if she's fucking up and doing the wrong thing).

[vitasexualiiis]

fiction is fiction, yadda yadda, i'm not about to tell someone what kind of transgressive art they can and cannot make, but i personally cannot see fukuzawa making a move on ranpo *ever*, especially not until ranpo is at LEAST drinking age???

ranpo would have to burrow into that thick outer shell like some kind of destructive insect, and believe me, he'd be trying for YEARS before fukuzawa's brain finally even CONSIDERED allowing him to reciprocate.

also, tell me fukuzawa wouldn't literally consider falling on his own sword if he ever hurt ranpo for his own gain! the guy is a one-man guilt factory and has horrible identity issues surrounding his past sins, for better or worse. he WOULD NOT fuck the kid, would have panic attacks over the idea of even CONSIDERING fucking the kid, and i see ranpo at least kind of trying to respect that, because the alternative is destroying fukuzawa's psyche lol

(at least until ranpo is a very consenting and very impatient adult, and GOD! even THEN!!! it would be a struggle. there would be so much insecurity and self-loathing on both sides. mm :) )

so, basically, i guess this is my way of saying that i ship the sad old man and his charge/employee/codependent lifepartner/mentee, but THIS is how i ship them, in the event you're looking for (or not looking for) a particular dynamic.

(also-also i see fukuzawa as, like, firmly demi-if-not-almost-entirely-aroace when left to his own devices? ranpo is somewhere on the aroace spectrum too, but he obviously has a ~thing~ for hot older men and questionable impulse control jhdfhg.)

(not to mention it feels weird to take the weird eroge asexual kink shit out of the edogawa ranpo character yanno)

(was there a point to this other than scraping this out of my brain and dumping it on my blog so it stops rattling around in there? probably not! but here we are.)

[merge-conflict]

Since you asked twice: 4, 61, & 66 for the fic writer asks :>

Heheh :3 (questions here)

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

I ask myself questions. The scope and number of questions depends on the idea. Am I looking to complete a next scene? Why don't I know what the character will do next? Do they need to make a decision, or does something need to motivation to move past an obstacle? Is their struggle internal or external at this moment? Are they at full capacity or are they tired or hurt and more likely to mess up or do something impulsive?

For fic ideas it's just that but broader. Usually I get a snippet of a scene or inspiration from some outside source- either my own life or some other story. Maybe I just think that two characters should meet, or be put in a situation where they have to fight. Maybe Johnny should punch Valentine in the face. Then I just work backwards from there- what kind of pressure would cause them to be angry at each other? If they have an argument can it be exacerbated by some vulnerability or just because they're having a bad day? Because something else happened and now they're on a hair trigger? What would cause them to fight instead of just walk away? And then just sort of reverse engineering the situation from there. It fails a fair amount of the time, but asking the questions themselves helps flesh things out to make it easier to work out ideas for those characters or any characters, so there's never anything lost through brainstorming.

Also honestly sometimes when I can't think of anything or I'm frustrated and want to vent or cry about it... I'll give myself a weird objective. Try a new POV. Keep it a certain length. Change tense. Write about someone without ever saying their name. It also doesn't always work, but concentrating on some new kind of goal often gets me out of the pit I've been languishing in even when it fails.

61. Why do you continue writing fics?

I love doing it, and also I can't really control my brain when it comes up with stories. So they're going to be in my head anyway, and writing them down helps me develop them and enjoy them even more. Obviously I do love and enjoy the community part of writing fanfiction, and getting feedback and engagement. (Love it. Crave it. Don't we all?) But ultimately I just love doing character studies, and constructing scenes and making things. Sometimes I "write" for hours and get very little done but I really enjoy that time, and if that ever changed I wouldn't do it.

66. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie. pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc.)?

I don't think any of those things worry me too much. I do feel bad for not updating regularly sometimes but I hardly do anything regularly. I could keep a habit for 3 months and drop it in 2 days for something new. If I don't like something I'm hitting the bricks. Honestly the biggest struggle I have is that period of time just before and just after sharing a story- it's like as soon as I hit post my self-confidence dives, and by that time I've usually reviewed my own writing so many times that it just looks like garbage. Similar to saying a word over and over until it becomes meaningless and annoying? It's kind of the worst. So far the only solution I've found is to leverage my adhd and distract myself until I'm out of the danger zone. I've also found the more I do it the easier it gets, like exposure therapy. The anxiety poison damage from posting gets a little less now that I know "How It Works (tm)".

I do often get stuck on something (a scene, etc.) but my writing process is really messy and so I will leverage having multiple projects and just sort of tool around through them until I find something I can make progress on. If I have motivation I have to follow it or I'll never do anything so just going with the flow and not getting too hung up on doing things In Order or finishing my writing veggies before my writing dessert. Having little to no executive function means that there are some things that I can't do without spending extra spoons and I'm alright with some comfortable chaos.

[onewomancitadel]

I was actually thinking a lot about this recently and discussing it today... I think that there is some sort of balance between characters acting as some Jungian inner well of reflected truth/unconscious archetype and narrative tension vs. an outside source acting as some sort of regulating force on somebody else's agency and self-knowledge (often in the chauvinistic fashion of a male character knowing a female character 'better than she knows herself', or in the opposite sense, in that he is antithetical to what she is, that which she must deny yet feels compelled by - a moral lesson to not fall into temptation, especially sexual temptation).

It does really seem like a lot of Dark Fuck Prince/Girlboss ships - the usual fare of the heroine/villain pair - unfortunately really do fall into the latter, wilfully so from that chauvinistic perspective ('teaching women a lesson not to love bad men', not to feel sexual attraction, confluence of sexual attraction and sexual/romantic choices with an attraction to power), and in transformative fandom it's sort of retrofitted to be - sexy? Empowering? That perhaps there is some secret dark masculine knowledge that really does know what women need - independent of patriarchal authority, but the boy you should stay away from - as a sort of lashback against the feminist perspective - which feels boring, stale, hairy, bra-burning, anti-sex and anti-fun, most of all, and certainly not cool.

But I didn't really elaborate on that Jungian point: I think it is perfectly natural that other characters serve internal reflection, offer challenge of perspective, alternate knowledge in a story; you're touched and changed by people; your idea about other people and how they relate to you internally changes you; I am very attracted to the idea of a transgressive relationship across moral/ideological lines, because that's about human connection at a fundamental level past all other social barriers and it can be viewed as instrumental into changing those moral/ideological lines and influencing character choices. None of these things are chauvinistic, none of these things are infantilising - they're facts of human nature - though the issue is that a lot of people really do view them this way, in assuming that the Jungian perspective (that your internal world is externalised in the physical world, and through other people in a story) is one which negates any sense of personal agency, choices, beliefs, etc. because it is reflected in another person, and is functionally equivalent to that chauvinistic perspective.

So it's a delicate thing to tread, and I understand the impulse to try and transform the Dark Fuck Prince/Girlboss dynamic into something palatable, and I do understand some of the attraction to that ship in fandom (outside of its overwhelming presence in love between enemies) because it is an easy power fantasy: the source of self-knowledge is external and forbidden, easily serviced, yet always in control. It's a both-ways fantasy, I guess, of sort of physical empowerment with the pain and suffering of being exchanged for the ease of external validation. Psychological agency sacrificed.

It's a very interesting issue to me because I obviously enjoy romantic/sexual connections between heroes and enemies, and most of all enjoy it when it results in a realised redemption for that enemy - yet I struggle with enemies-to-lovers as it appears in the traditional romance genre (never so evil to even really 'seek' redemption, always shitty banter), as it appears in a lot of transformative spaces and in canon texts because of the Dark Fuck Prince problem and the Girlboss therein (also crops up in the romance genre), and because I don't view the dynamic as being 'bad' in a moral sense fundamentally. And when it comes to the issue of the DFP and the Girlboss, I guess my issue is somewhat of a feminist one... but most of all a character, thematic one, because I just plain don't find it interesting. So there's this issue in that on the one hand you have the heavily politicised end of the fandom most worried about how the vagaries of what fanfic you do or don't write and which Tumblr posts you do or don't write decide the very course of humanity who make it difficult to discuss this with any nuance, and then on the other side you have the 'just let people enjoy things!!!!' bullshit in response to that which is flat-out uninteresting to me as well. Like, I'm not going to stymie my (fairly moderate) feelings about storytelling just because one opinion in a Tumblr post might prove emotionally inconvenient.

There's a lot more to explore here - I have a lot of thoughts about the safety of exploring romance/sex in the context of a villain (even when it's of the chauvinistic, clearly not 'endgame' canon variety), despite/in spite of would-be feminist defenses that I do think are a little embarrassed about being seen as hairy bra-burners - or God forbid, antis - and by no means do I reject the idea that DFP/Girlboss is an attractive dynamic. Much like the maligned Migratory Slash Fandom, there exist panfandom traditions which seek out canon dynamic to canon dynamic for romantic fannish fruit.

But for me personally? I don't want to fall into chauvinism because I find that boring. I want reciprocal transformation, first and foremost, and never would I want one character to be an authority over the other... which includes the fantasy of taming a mean man, or where the Girlboss figures in. I don't want a lessoning. But I am still interested in how people change each other! And sexual intercourse.

[r-2-peepoo]

Hard disagree. Qui Qon was not a good master and he expressed emotion even less than Obi Wan ever did.

If Anakin had been able to confide his problems in the Jedi instead of Palpatine (who was the very reason Anakin felt like he couldn’t), things might’ve turned out differently and Qui Gon is the very last person who would’ve been able to provide that emotional stability for him and any criticism people have of Obi Wan as a master is actually proof of that.

A common idea the permeates through both legends and canon in regards to Qui Gon and his abilities as a master is that he left Obi Wan with deep insecurities. Obi Wan didn’t start out super strong in the self-worth department, but Qui Gon did not help him get better at all. There are so many times Obi Wan is left just wondering what Qui Gon thinks of him and how he’s doing in his training, not feeling like he is able to ask.

The canon novel “Padawan” is a fantastic example of this. Obi Wan runs away from the Jedi temple and considers leaving it all behind simply because Qui Gon didn’t show up one day when they agreed to meet and Obi Wan immediately assumes he must’ve abandoned him. That is quite literally his first thought. He was only sixteen at the time and experienced bullying from the other Padawans, something Qui Gon also neglected to help him with, and when Qui Gon isn’t there, Obi Wan assumes it’s his own fault and leaves in a desperate attempt to try and prove himself. Qui Gon obviously loves him and doesn’t think he has anything to prove (as seen in Tales of the Jedi), but he does not make this known to Obi Wan until after Obi Wan has had a whole crisis about it.

Compare this to Obi Wan directly telling Anakin he is proud of him in ROTS. Sure, that is one example but we also haven’t actually seen a whole lot of Anakin’s training (side note: this has always been weird to me, like who wouldn’t want to see Darth Vader’s training???) and the jump between TPM and ROTS conveniently skips over most of Obi Wan and Anakin’s time together (and in AOTC they spend most of the movie separated from each other). In the TPM, we effectively see Qui Gon drop Obi Wan as a padawan for Anakin, something Obi Wan was not informed of by the look on his face. Anakin wouldn’t have done well with someone that impulsive, considering his own insecurities.

I always took moments like this in the prequels as representative of characters as a whole. We are seeing isolated events, however they are meant to be defining character moments. They show us these characters and who they are in the dialogue because we are limited by movie format, whereas something like a book, for example, would allow for a much deeper dive into characterisation. But you can disagree with this idea and also blame George Lucas’ wonky dialogue for it not being super clear too.

There are many intentional comparisons between padawan Obi Wan and padawan Anakin, specifically in regards to their ability to control their anger and emotions in general. Obviously there are differences (where Anakin will naturally lean more dark side, Obi Wan will generally keep to the light) but the similarities are there. Fear is also a recurring theme. Obi Wan didn’t believe he would actually ever become a Jedi and there was very little emotional support from Qui Gon to dispel his anxiety. If Obi Wan is a poor master (which I strongly disagree that he was) it’s because he learned from one much poorer.

I’ll also point out that Anakin canonically does not tend to meditate if he doesn’t have to and when he does, he often seems reluctant to do it. Qui Gon’s style of teaching heavily relies on meditation, which is something Obi Wan also struggled with (another similarity between him and Anakin) so Anakin likely wouldn’t even respond well to his methods.

The reality is that Anakin needed someone who stuck more closely by the rules, purely because he didn’t. Qui Gon was known to be a bit of a wildcard and that is another reason why he wouldn’t be good for Anakin, borderline emotional neglect of his actual padawan aside. Qui Gon seems like someone who would be fun to have as a master at first, but the lack of clarity and structure would be draining after a while, at least in my opinion.

Obi Wan did what he could to keep him grounded, but Anakin turned to the dark side largely through his own actions but also because of Palpatine’s active role in turning him against his master. Palpatine’s role in Anakin’s mistrust of the Jedi should not be undersold. The Jedi were far from perfect, but this man was the embodiment of evil and wanted Anakin to fall. He’d been trying to make it happen from the moment they first met. That is years of grooming and damage being done to Anakin’s mental health and his bond with Obi Wan, which was actually remarkably resilient when you really consider who was trying to destroy it. Palpatine consistently tried to have Obi Wan killed because he knew that Anakin wouldn’t fully fall while he was still around. It’s hard to confide in the person you should trust the most when there’s a literal devil on your shoulder telling you that you shouldn’t.

Going absolutely insane bc Obi Wan literally gave up the rest of his life for Anakin. He spent over a decade wasting away in a desert to protect Anakin’s children from Anakin. He saved Anakin’s daughter and watched over Anakin’s son, all while having raised Anakin himself when he wasn’t ready. He stayed with Anakin’s wife when she was alone in one of the darkest moments of her life and stayed with her as she died. Everything he did can he tied back to Anakin. He gave everything for Anakin and loved him so much, even when anyone else would’ve given up, and in the end, Anakin was the one who killed him.