#(aka going to off myself) & they’ll take me to the hospital & then i’ll have to go in inpatient again (i haven’t been inpatient since 14/15)

[finduilasclln]

Welcome to my Buddie Fic Rec List!

Since I read so many Buddie fics, and some of them are so good, I thought I’d share them in some handy lists. I’ll be posting them in different categories, and you will be able to find all the posts HERE.

Disclaimer: Always read the tags and warnings! Also, tastes differ. These are my personal favorites, which doesn’t mean they’ll automatically be yours of course.

If you want to reblog and add some of your own favorites that fit the category, please be my guest! I always love discovering new fics. I will also add new recs of my own whenever I stumble upon them.

One last thing: Please like and comment when you’ve had a nice read. It means so much to authors to hear your thoughts! And don’t hesitate to share this post and spread the love for these fics around!

Buddie Fic Rec: "Alternate Universe".

I don't usually seek out a lot of AU's, but these came across my path and I loved them!

dream of some epiphany, by extasiswings (@extasiswings) || 7357 words ||

Evan Buckley is lost.

It’s happenstance that he wanders into the navy recruiting center—he’s been in San Diego for a few weeks, bartending late nights and weekends, living in a house with three other guys not because he needs the roommates but because he doesn’t want to be alone, and the military is…respectable. Stable. So Buck thinks maybe and opens the door.

Buck leaves ten minutes later with a set of printed instructions for sending his first letter, assured that he can drop it off whenever he’s ready, and a name.

Staff Sergeant Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz.

I Didn't Know I Was Lonely 'Til I Saw Your Face, by HMSLusitania (@hmslusitania) || 10491 words ||

Total strangers Buck and Eddie go to couple's therapy together to get out of the therapy requirements their captains have placed on them.

a touch of someone else (to save me from myself), by allyasavedtheday (@littlespooneven) || 18849 words ||

In which Eddie joins the 118 during season 1 instead of season 2 and Buck has a lot to say about it. AKA Eddie meets Buck 1.0.

Mark Me Like a Bloodstain (Burning Red), by sirencalls (@lesbianbuck) || 3099 words ||

“Eddie, you’re freezing,” Buck says, worry creeping into his tone. “Eddie, we need to get you to the hospital—”

“No.” His voice is echoey and strange, definitively not human, and he picks up on the way Buck’s pulse quickens. Fuck, he’s scaring Buck. The human part of him is ashamed, guilty for making Buck ever be afraid of him. The vampire part of him is delighted, is even more wanting because of it, and that’s why he calls himself a monster.

fill my heart with you, by intotheblue (@tinselbuck) || 2710 words ||

Buck pulls the handsome stranger into the hall behind the ballroom and slips his hands beneath that stunning blue jacket, just like he’s wanted to since the minute he saw it. Maybe, he thinks, sliding his fingers along the man’s waist, Christmas Eve isn’t so bad after all. He pulls the man flush against him, nosing at his jaw, and presses a kiss against his fluttering pulse point. The man twines his fingers in Buck’s hair and tugs lightly, drawing a harsh gasp from Buck’s chest. “You- you want to take this somewhere a little more private,” Buck pants. “Yes,” the man says hungrily. Buck should really get his name at some point.

we're not in love (but the sex is good), by elless || 15071 words ||

Eddie is new to LA. Feeling lonely, he goes to a bar for a drink and meets a beautiful stranger that kisses like a dream. What starts as a one night stand quickly moves to frequent no strings sex. When circumstances lead to them spending time together out of bed, Eddie realizes he’s attached to Buck in a way he never planned for.

i'd spend a lifetime giving you my heart, by hammersmiths (@henwilsons) || 10438 words ||

There’s an earthquake. Buck and Eddie meet trapped together.

Passive Agressive Flirting, by lasvegas_lights (@starlingbite) || 4519 words ||

AU: Buck and Eddie have never met. They both work at the 118 but just on different shifts. That's all about to change when Buck finds a sticky note message, signed E.

if love is art then you might be my masterpiece, by prettyboybuckley (@prettyboybuckley) || 80588 words ||

All Eddie wanted to do was make art and get a degree. He wasn't looking for love at all.

high on you, by prettyboybuckley (@prettyboybuckley) || 4827 words ||

Buck has a giant crush on his best friend's brother. When he's alone at the house with Eddie, things take an unexpected turn. There might be weed involved

tell me, will you stay or will you run away, by prettyboybuckley (@prettyboybuckley) || 53422 words ||

Somewhere along the way, Eddie falls in love with his bodyguard, and then it all goes to shit when a crazy ass terrorist does try to kill them

always glad you came, by foxwatson (@eddiediazes) || 5432 words ||

Buck is the incredibly kind but incredibly straight bartender at Eddie's local gay bar. Eddie is trying very, very hard not to be pathetically in love with him, and is failing miserably.

“Hey, you’re back,” Buck had said, greeting him with that sun-bright grin, and Eddie had yet again been reminded why he’d started questioning his sexuality.

“Well, I get one night off a week. And tonight I could really use the drink.”

Buck’s brow had furrowed, and he got Eddie his favorite beer without even asking again what it was. “You need to talk about it? Assuming I read you right and you’re the kind of guy who talks to a bartender instead of a therapist.”

Eddie had winced theatrically. “Ouch. That obvious, huh?”

“Hey, man, you’re the one that told me you started coming here on your coworker’s advice. Feels like something you’d get from a therapist, if you had one.”

steppin' into fate, by r_holland (@onward--upward) || 71520 words ||

The 9-1-1 hockey AU

Further Than Blood (Or Than Bones), by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels) || 50100 words ||

Once, Eddie chose to save a newly turned against his better judgment.

Five hundred years ago, Buck was saved by a rescuer he thought was a hallucination.

Now they're together again and about to find out just how far either of them will go to try and deny what they are to each other.

~ Vampire AU.

you make the world taste better, by farfromthstars (@doeeyeseddie) || 11754 words ||

Newly arrived to LA, Eddie decides to take his son to parent/child cooking classes. The instructor is so much more than he expected.

What is Love For $2000?, by fayevian (@fayevian) || 17250 words ||

One night when Eddie can't sleep, he discovers the hottest Jeopardy contestant of all time (objectively). With the "help" of his team and his fairly good working knowledge of Twitter, they devise a plan to get Evan (from Jeopardy) to slide into Eddie's DMs. It works surprisingly well.

We blossom and ask no reason, by lamardeuse (@lamardeuse) || 5886 words ||

“Hen!” Eddie turned at the shout to see a tall blond firefighter built like a brick wall jogging toward them.

As he came closer, Eddie amended that to ridiculously pretty brick wall. Holy shit, now Eddie realized why those firefighter calendars were so popular.

when it's you i'm with (everything goes quiet), by withoutthetiger (@rewritetheending) || 56268 words ||

Eddie can't speak after he and Christopher are in an accident, but somehow he asks Buck to stay while he recovers. Buck can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else, and even in the silence that lingers between them, they both find a way to say everything.

***

I will be adding my own fics that fit the category, in case you want to read those too:

My Blue-Eyed Boy, by Finduilas || 3784 words ||

Day 4: “Yes, yes I am asking you on a date. And yes, I am just as shocked as you are.” + AU

[blorbosexterminator]

AND I am back. Once again on this lovely day to give my review for the EPISODE 24 so, here we go :

Agustin is squinting his eyes at him, as Sergio keeps muttering that Agustin has in fact done what he just mentioned he did and which both of them have known for years. 

Federico is 99% dead?! Damn, what is Sergio's gonna do?! Make it 100% ? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

(I got a feeling that Federico is the kidnapper or atleast a very important lead to them)

Btw, WHO IS FEDERICO?! Tatiana's alive husband?!

(Look at me, hoping like a moron she aint dead

My dog : Yep, total moron 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me :

Me : NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR BITCH-ASS OPINION, YOU DUMB-FUCK DONKEY!!!! 😡😡😡)

Martin, my darling, my sweetheart, my poor angel. Nada, some help? Atleast gimme some tips, bruh, come on, you cant desert me like that. Not when I need to help someone 🙁🙁🙁

since, drunk, the last idea he got was that Laura turned out to be completely insane and kidnapped Andrés to marry him

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Martin, honey, stop drinking. This getting out of hand 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. But then again, Andres is so hot poor thing keeps on doubting.

As Roci said in one of the tags, his wives deserve the highest civilian award for putting up with him.

(Although, I just had a frisky thought. What if Sergio wanted Andres away from Martin, not because he cared bout his hermano but......😳😳😳😳😳 *whispers loudly* he wanted Andres all for himself? In *frantically looks around* INCEST WAY?!)

(Calm down, my deranged mind, you went too far 🤣🤣🤣)

Who knows, it could be the professor he punched in the middle of an exam once. Martín doesn’t think he has forgiven him.

Mood, bruh, such a mood 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 NO, OMG 😆😆😆 I didnt do it, but I do kinda have a beef with my Organic prof. I'll go off tangent again, so tell me if you wanna know the story.

He sent Silene in disguise to collect the cctv from the nearby shops and streets. His own cctv has been disabled since the IT bitch ruined it, Martín will kill him when he gets them back.

I think if and only IF Silene finds something good, her % of redemption will increase.

(Raquel s2e7 deja vu, I see what you did there 😏)

And Martin about to go John Wick on anyone & everyone. I tell ya Keanu Reeves will be crying when he sees Martin go nuts. I am willing to bet he'll pull a gun on the poor milkman, who just wanna do his job 😆😆😆

So he calls Bogota, with a little (not that little) handwritten list in his hand with the names of people he thinks he might have ruined their life in the past. 

Martin : Okay, I'll just take out the list and

*the paper rolls out the door, travels around the world for 5 times and comes back while going over top of Everest and bottom of Marina Trench*

No, it’s because when he hated Martín, he had always hated him openly. If he wanted to hurt him, then he’d just try to stab him in the middle of the living room.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Bogota, did Tatiana have any family?”

“No, who of us did, Martín?”

“You literally have 7 children and 7 ex-wives.”

COMEDY GOLD, NADA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Those kids are ungrateful bastards, if I fall dead tomorrow they would just run to see what they’ve inherited.”

Aka THE PLOT of 70% Indian Telenovas 🤣🤣🤣. Also this line alone has so much soap opera vibes 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

He has no choice but to go to fucking Sergio Marquina. And if it’s his wife, then even better. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer. 

For fuck sake, Martín, Ive been telling you from last 2 ep

Stop. Blaming. Raquel.

Also, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 damn, these 2 assholes cant keep away from each other. Nada, are we sure these 2 married the right people? As much I am a Berlermo ship stan, this here is just smth else 😆😆😆

Uh-oh 🙁 this asshole son of a bitch just poked the mama bear. And if ANDRES of all people narrows his eyes at you, You are, quoting Martin from last ep, truly, utterly, entirely, thoroughly and wholly fucked.

“Do you know him?”

“Oh yes, a childhood friend, I stole his pencil once and he never forgave me. Have you heard this Paula? Don’t steal your friends’ pencils, they will never get over the betrayal. You could steal the teacher’s ones though.”

“Why did you steal his pencil?” Paula asked seriously, with a delirious tone, and too tired to even move her head upwards. Raquel is gonna kill every single person involved for doing this to her daughter.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Sassy Andres = Best Andres. Words that should be written with GOLD. Wisdom passed onto generations

Poor Paula 🤣🤣🤣 I just imagine this in some other situation :

Andres : *saying smth smth*

Paula : *taking notes & asking questions*

Raquel after seeing her daughter :

Look what you made me do

🎶But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time

Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time

I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined

I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Ooh, look what you made me do

Look what you just made me do🎶

(Look what you made me do by Taylor Swift)

I am telling you Nada, by the time Raquel will be done with everyone, Uma Thurman will cry buckets because no one, okay?, no one can compete with A MAMA BEAR RAQUEL MURILLO.

“Poison is a woman’s choice of weapon, Anibal. Don’t be disrespectful.”

Again, words of wisdom. Only time hes not being a misogynist.

Also, Andres, my dear, are you speaking this from experience?

(Why do I think that Martin got Tatiana killed cause she poisoned him and Martin had to watch Andres fight for his life in hospital?)

“He won’t say anything, Mama. He’s the one who kidnapped grandma with Silene!”

Is anyone gonna listen to her? Or do I need to bonk Raquel myself? 🤦‍♀️

“Silence!” she screams. “I need to know everything that happened, if we’re getting out of here alive.” 

FINALLY!!!! SOME COMMON SENSE!!!! WE THANK THE LORD FOR MERCY!!!

And as for me, its time for me to say goodbye and goodnight (Cause its quarter to 12 rn in my watch)

AND ILL SEE YALL TOMORROW 🤗 BYE!!! 🙋‍♀️

I'm back as well! And we've finally caught up with each other.

Valid reaction. Sergio is also slowly going insane. Love that for him.

He's hoping he could. We all know this family has beef with that last one percentage.

(we'll see👀👀👀)

Hope is all we got at this point afabgs.

Now, now, don't speak to him like that. He has valid criticism.

I'd help him if I could, but alas (lmfao no, I do love them suffering)

Same recommendation. But he just, poor boy, could nothing to think of. So might as well be Laura. (also fair, who knows, maybe Andrés gets constantly kidnapped and forced into marriage)

Definitely, she's 100%. I really don't know how they do it.

Avsnsjsvjshsjs all theories are valid. Maybe Sergio does want Martín or Andrés, who knows what goes in the head of that fucker.

Seems like an interesting story! I never got along with my chemistry teachers. (Got one once to tell me that he's still not kicking me out of class only because he feels bad for my parents that they have to deal with me and they'll be the ones who will have to deal with the mess lmfao.)

Yes, have some faith in her!

100% accurate. Martín is this close from just shooting random people in the supermarket because they also could be the ones who kidnapped Andrés.

HAHAHA YES. This is exactly how the scene went.

We stan honesty in this house.

So happy you found it funny!!

I can confirm! Like 70% of all Egyptian drama as well.

I don't think he's hearing you well. But afnajscsgsh SAME. Okay look, now I really understand show runners with super homoerotic ships that they refuse to make canon. You try and make two male characters hate each other so much for plot then it slips and gets homoerotic.

Totally agree. This guy isn't making enemies with the right people (they are all dumb, but also none of them have anything that even resembles a moral compass)

Totally agree. This guy is honestly super amusing to watch and it's mainly because he's incapable of taking any situation in life seriously.

This family is really iconic. (love the song agsnsg) but also like Raquel would basically tell her after writing done his notes just put the title on top: things to never, ever, do.

I believe you! They really fucked with the wrong dumb family.

I mean, he's still a misogynist. Maybe some of us really like dagger, has he considered that?

That's as valid theory as any right there.

Hopefully Raquel will finally start listening to the child!

Raquel is the only one with a semblance of common sense.

Hope you had a good sleep! I'll see you tomorrow!

[andrew2luv]

OBX: An Outer Banks Story (Season 1 - Episode 10)

It repeats in my head. Over and over. Like little slides. One moment, then the next. But it all seems out of order. I fall to my knees. JJ says goodnight. I vomit. Sarah does CPR. then we drive up to the house. It all comes to me in small flashes. Over and over. Always in a different order. Always feeling just wrong. It all just feels so wrong. 

“Parker. Parker.” I keep hearing it. Repeating. Always sounding different. BUt neverending.

It’s been going on forever. It feels like days. Or maybe months. Maybe just minutes. Time feels like a concept that no longer applies to me.

But I feel nothing. No pain. No hunger. No anger. No sadness. Nothing.

Then it ends. The voices end. I hear nothing. I only see the bright white light in front of me. It’s flickering just a bit. Is that a fly? A small buzzing rings in my ears. Then this odd mechanical noise. 

Then it’s gone. The voices return. They repeat my name over and over. But then a voice pops out to me. It sounds different from the others. It feels warm. The voice feels like it pierces something in me. It starts pulling things out of me. I feel this sudden sadness. This pent up rage builds up behind it like a balloon waiting to pop. And then this weird feeling that I can’t quite place hits me. It’s small. It’s fragile. It’s hiding behind the others. But I feel that’s it’s one I should hold onto. The more I look at that feeling, the more I can begin to feel myself again. 

My body. It’s cold. It’s sore. There’s a breeze.

The darkness surrounding me begins to fade away. A ray of light opens. It surrounds me.

I open my eyes and see John B, Sarah, Kiara, Pope, Taylor, JJ, and Rafe all sitting around a very bright and cold hospital room. They’re all asleep. They look so peaceful. Uncomfortable, but peaceful. 

I don’t really know what to do now. But I just stand up. I see my clothes sitting on the table. I grab them and put them on. Then I just walk out of the room. I just start walking.

I walk to the elevator. I walk in and press the lobby button. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing, but I just do it. I get to the lobby and there’s no one around. I just walk through the front doors and outside. It’s freezing. I can instantly feel the cold on my feet. Then I step onto the sidewalk and walk. I don’t understand where I’m going, but I just can’t fight it right now. I have no energy to fight back. 

For the most part, I walk without seeing a single car. Two or three cars stop to ask if I need help. I don’t say anything. I just walk. I don’t even notice when I reach the beach until my feet slip deep into the cold sand. It feels nice. It’s numbing. It’s peaceful. Everything feels a bit weird. The wave hits different. The moonlight feels tainted.

I turn to the woods and walk in until I reach a familiar tree and start climbing up the old ladder. When I reach the top I just lay down. It feels right. It feels like the place I need to be. I just stare up at the stars. 

“Thank god.” I open my eyes, the sun hitting my eyes like bullets.

I sit up and see Rafe crawling up next to me. I just look at him, then look back forward.

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere. We woke up and you were gone.”

He looks to me for a response, but I don’t know if I could speak right now. I feel his hand touch mine.

“Parker. We should get back to the hospital.” I turn to him and look him in the eyes. “Okay. Just five more minutes.”

Eventually, Rafe drives me back to the hospital. Immediately everyone rushes towards me. I feel like I should be happy. Or maybe even stressed. But no. I feel nothing. I just walk back upstairs with them. I get back in bed. I stare straight ahead.

I can hear them all speaking. One by one they ask me things. But none of it really hits me. It just goes in one ear and out the other.

“I need a shower.” I don’t really know why I say it, but I felt I needed to.

They all just look at me.

“There’s a shower right here.” I look at Sarah as she speaks. She has a very kind smile.

“No. I wanna go home. Shower there.”

“Let me talk to the nurse.” Sarah goes and Taylor follows behind her.

They all just look at me. I can feel them pitying me. I don’t like it.

“Does anyone have the remote?” None of them saw that coming, but I needed to say something.

“Here.” Pope hands me the remote and I turn the TV on.

The second it turns on I suddenly feel a whole lot more comfortable. The extra noise in the room feels like a weight lifted off me. I focus on the TV and the TV alone. I start flipping through the channels until some sitcom appears and I stop.

I find myself laughing at something on the show a few times. Each time I can feel everyone looking at me. A few minutes later Sarah and Kiara walk back in with a nurse. I look at her as she hands me some papers. She starts talking about things that make no sense. It all just washes over my head. All I really understand is that they want me to make sure I don’t have a concussion and that I should stay up all day and have someone with me. Then they want me back tomorrow for a check-up. I sign a few pieces of paper and that’s it. 

I get out of bed and find my shoes. I start putting them on. I look around the room and notice Rafe is no longer there.

“How ‘bout we all go back to my place and we have an all-night sleepover?” JJ tries to put some energy back in the room and everyone starts smiling and nodding along with it.

“I’m good.” I just walk to the door.

“Parker.” It’s Taylor. “The nurse said you shouldn’t be alone tonight. And after what happened you shouldn’t be alone.”

“I’m fine. I don’t need any of you.” I just walk out of the room and start rushing to the elevator. 

As the elevator door closes I can feel myself breathing again. But then the doors open again. I look up and see them all standing there.

“We’re not leaving you alone.” Taylor and Kiara walk into the elevator.

“You’re stuck with us.” John B says before he, JJ, and Pope come on.

“Sleepover at Parker’s I guess.” Sarah smiles and walks up next to me.

I ride in the van with John B, Sarah, and JJ while the others take another car to go and get “sleepover supplies”. When we arrive at the house John B and JJ go in with some stuff from the van. Sarah stays outside with me for a minute.

“You good? We can go in through the back.”

“No. I’m good.” I just walk in and upstairs.

I walk to my room and immediately close the door. I feel like this is the moment I should start crying. I should collapse against the back of the door as I hug my knees and sad music plays in the background. But I can’t. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I simply just take off my clothes and walk into the bathroom. I turn on the shower and go in. Immediately the col shower burns my skin. I turn the nozzle all the way around. The water quickly begins to heat up. It starts heating up to the point of near-boiling. It hurts but in the best way possible. It feels good to feel something again. I move my head under the water and just hold it there. I close my eyes. I let it all flow down me. I just stand and listen to each droplet hitting the ground. Feeling each drop rolling down my body.

“Parker. You alright?” I suddenly snap out of my trance from someone knocking on the bathroom door.

“Yeah.” I turn the water off and look out at the clock on the wall.

It’s been almost 30 minutes. 

I step out, dry off, and put on some fresh clothes. When I step out of my room I look straight ahead and see the door to my Grams’ room. I walk up to it. I can feel the cold air rushing under the door and onto my feet. It feels ominous. But I can’t stop staring down at the moonlight coming from her room. What’s in there? Is the window open? Should I check to see if it is?

“Parker.” Sarah comes up the stairs.

“How’d she die?” Sarah looks shocked by the question. “I need to know.”

“She had some sort of cardiac event. They said it would’ve been quick and painless.”

“Is any death really painless? It feels like an oxymoron.” She just looks at me, trying to find a response. “Okay.” I just walk past her down the stairs.

When I get down to the living room I see everyone sitting on the couch, chair, and floor with a large assortment of pillows, blankets, and snacks of every kind. They all just smile. It looks weird to me. Like a scene in an old black and white comedy show. 

“Hey.” John B grabs his laptop. “We’re just discussing what we’re going to watch.”

“We were thinking about doing a marathon of maybe the MCU or Harry Potter.” Pope looks excited.

“Or we could just do a genre marathon. Aka Action, Rom-Com, Comedy, Drama, etc.” Taylor mouths “hi” to me.

“Your choice,” JJ says, moving a pillow on the couch, clearing a space between him and Kiara on the couch.

“Horror.” I take a seat and I can see everyone slightly move their eyes to each other.

“Oh. Okay. That’s actually a great idea. They’ll keep us awake.” John B is quite good at faking enthusiasm. “Any suggestions?”

“Nightmare on Elm Street,” I say before anyone else can.

“Sounds good.” John B starts typing on his laptop.

“Very on the nose.” Kiara looks to me.

“Yeah…” I just grab a pillow and wrap my arms around it. 

Time seems to pass slowly. Movie after movie passes like it’s in slow motion. I find myself looking around every few minutes. Watching everyone else. Checking to see if they’re looking at me. They are. A lot.

Eventually, we stop to have lunch. John B and JJ go out to grab an assortment of Chinese food, pizza, and Mexican. When they get back there is mention of playing a game. But I quickly nixed that idea. So we continued movies. Movie after movie. Laughing at everyone jumping, screaming, and covering their eyes.

Eventually, the sun goes down. Everyone is starting to get tired, but they’re pushing through. I weirdly feel nothing. I know I should, but nothing. 

“I’ll be back.” I suddenly feel the urge to move around.

Everyone turns to me, the movie is paused, and I just walk upstairs. I reach the top of the stairs when I hear some talking and stop.

“Anyone else a little creeped out that he’s been laughing through all these movies?” I hear Taylor whisper.

“It was honestly a little creepy.” John B chimes in.

“Hey. He’s just grieving.” Sarah gets a bit too loud before getting shushed. “It’s just that people, they grieve differently. He’s been through a lot. Probably too much for someone so young.”

“Yeah. True.” Kiara is quiet and sounds sad.

“What if he can’t get through it this time?” John B again.

“He has to.” JJ finally speaks up. “And we’re going to make sure he does.” I hear him get up and start walking towards the stairs.

I quickly and quietly walk to my room and silently close the door. I go straight to my bed and just sit on it. Within 30 seconds I hear a knock.

“Hey. It’s JJ. Can I come in?” 

“Yeah.” He opens the door and steps in.

“How are…”

“No. Don’t finish that sentence. If I hear it one more time I will break something.” He just closes his mouth and sits on the bed next to me.

“Then what do you wanna talk about?”

“I don’t really wanna talk.” I place my hand on his leg and move in, my lips touching his.

“Parker.” He tries to speak but I just push him down on the bed and kiss him more.

“I’ve been wondering what you taste like.” I start moving down his body, running my hands up his shirt.

“Stop it.” JJ pushes me to the side and gets off the bed.

“What?”

“This isn’t right.”

“Wow. Tell me how you really feel.” I stand up and start walking to the door.

“Wait. Parker.”

“No. I understand.” I leave, walking downstairs and straight to the kitchen.

I hear JJ running down the stairs and someone asking what happened. Then JJ walks in.

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Just fuck off.” I reach to the top shelf above the stove and grab the bottle of vodka Grams kept for when her friends came over.

“You shouldn’t be drinking.”

“Oh my god, can you just shut up?” I open the bottle and take a very large chug, the others quickly filing into the kitchen. “Oh lord. Now the entire Scooby gang is here. Anyone want a drink?” 

“Parker.” Sarah begins.

“No. Don’t say my name that way. That pity.That patronization. My god, I feel like I’m in goddamn kindergarten.” I take another drink.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.” Sarah steps closer to me.

“No.” I step away.

I can feel my heart racing. I can feel my blood boiling. I know the anger in me is building up. It’s ready to explode. But then I remember. I look at all of their faces and remember the time on the boat. It all starts coming back to me. Hitting me. I remember their faces. Their fear. Then how I felt. How much I hated myself afterward.

So I breathe. I just breathe. In through the nose. Out the mouth. Over and over. 

“Sorry.” I put the bottle down. “I’m sorry.” I walk through everyone and out the front door.

“Parker.” I turn and JJ is standing in front of everyone else. “It’s okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We understand.” Sarah walks down the stairs and up to me. “Now how ‘bout we go back in and watch something a little more light-hearted.”

“That sounds good. How about Mamma Mia?”

“Perfect.” She grabs my hand and we all walk in together.

The next day, after no sleep and way too much drama, everyone goes home and to sleep. Sarah decides to stay with me and go to the hospital for my checkup. When we arrive Sarah waits in the waiting room while I go in with the doctor. 

“Parker…” She says as I sit down. “Yesterday we took a scan of your brain to check for a concussion.”

“Yeah.” She just gives me this weird look. “What? I have a very bad concussion?”

“No. We found something. Something worse.”

[fanfic-scribbles]

Lunch Buddy: Chapter Thirteen

Masterlist

<<Previous Chapter Next Chapter>>

Overall Story Facts:

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Story Summary: Steve Rogers makes a friend. A prickly, generally people-averse friend, but they’ll both take what they can get.

Quick Facts: Friendship (/Eventual Romance) – Steve Rogers & Reader (leading to Steve Rogers/Reader) – Female Reader

Story Warnings: Reader-insert that verges on OFC, written in 1st person past tense

Chapter 13: Hurt

Chapter Summary: Steve gets hurt and everybody else has to deal with the fallout. Jerk.

Chapter Word Count: 5197

A/N: I know what the next chapter is going to be and we are continuing our trajectory for ~softness~

    I was sitting in bed on a beautifully lazy Saturday morning when my phone rang. I glanced over, expecting to have to tell Steve that I wouldn’t be putting on real pants for anything short of the end of the world and he had to come over or nothing, but it was Sam’s name that showed up on the screen.

“Hi Sam,” I answered and paused my game.

“Hey. I’m sorry to call you like this, but I need to tell you– Steve’s fine now, but he got hurt pretty bad.”

I put down the controller and felt a cold something creep through my body. “How bad?”

“He’ll recover just fine,” Sam said. “But some of his injuries–” He inhaled sharply and I gripped my comforter so hard my hand hurt. “Last I heard, he was still in a medically induced coma, but they were planning to take him out of it soon. It’s actually kind of a good thing though; he was hurting really bad and nothing they did was helping.”

“Because pain meds don’t do shit for him,” I said and held my face. How bad was that bad?

“Yeah,” Sam said, sounding regretful. “I had to get back to DC so I couldn’t stay, but he was doing a lot better when I left. Stable, and on his way to healing up. He’s going to be okay.”

Sure, right, yeah; aside from maybe almost dying before I knew anything about it. Not that I was important enough to know– I was just a friend– but… “Do you think they’d let me visit?”

“I think so. There are SHIELD agents keeping watch but…have you met Natasha yet?”

“No. I’ve met Pepper?”

“She might be able to help if you need it.” He sighed. “I’m sorry I can’t be there.”

Me too, but that was selfish. “Don’t worry Sam, I’ll figure it out. Thanks for letting me know.” I looked at my closet. “Fair warning though– when he’s out of the woods and I stop being freaked out, I’m gonna kick his ass.”

“Nat has dibs I think. He was covering her from an explosion.”

“Fine,” I said. “But if she doesn’t do a good enough job, I’ve got second dibs.”

“I’m not contesting that,” he chuckled. “I gotta go. I’m sleeping on my feet.”

“Are you okay?”

“Don’t worry; I’ll take a nap.”

“Sam.”

“I’ll be fine when I get a chance to sleep for three days. And I’m going to, I promise you that.”

I didn’t have time to nag. “You better. Bye Sam.” As soon as I hung up I jumped out of bed, put on real pants, grabbed some essentials, and bolted out the door so fast I got halfway down the hall before I realized I had to go back and lock it.

I spent the whole trip there panicking and trying not to panic. Sam said he was going to be fine, so Steve was fine, right? But he was in a hospital, and what kinds of injuries could keep Steve in a medically induced coma? The guy fought aliens and broke bones that healed in half the time and once stubbed his toe on the doorframe and didn’t even flinch.

I tried really hard to think about stubbed toes and slammed elbows rather than the myriad reasons one would be admitted to a hospital. Those thoughts carried me into the building, to the map where I could find his wing, and over and into said wing, up until I almost ran into someone. I pulled back to get around them. “I’m so sorry; I–”

They put themself right back in my path and I jerked back to see not just one but two very imposing, militarily inclined men. “Uhhhh….”

“This area is off-limits to unauthorized visitors,” one of them said.

Right; the SHIELD guys keeping watch. “I’m here to see Steve Rogers,” I said and told them my name in vain hopes I might be on a list or something.

The first guy, a sandy blond who looked like he wanted to drop-kick me out the window, shook his head. “Authorized personnel only. The Avengers probably have an address for fans to send well-wishes.”

Even though they had no reason to know who I was, I bristled at his snide tone. “I’m not a fan; I’m his friend.”

The other guy– dark hair, looked like a washed-up TV action star– snorted and he shared a look with the other guy that very clearly said what they thought of me.

“Ma’am,” Blond said. “Please leave or you will be escorted out.”

I felt sick. Steve was hurt and I couldn’t see him and the embarrassment of being seen as some sort of gross hanger-on was almost too much. Almost. I was too worried to be completely mortified, but I still had no recourse. They were dicks, but they were doing their jobs, and for the moment Steve was…safe. I turned, intending to text Pepper and wait in the cafeteria until she could help me (and maybe get a dusty bagel to help soak up the misery), when I almost smacked right into Tony Stark.

What a day.

“I’m– sorry,” I said lamely and moved aside to get around him.

“Who are you?” he asked.

I sighed and told him my name. “I’m a fr–”

“You’re Cap’s little lunch friend,” he said. He knew who I was? Stark waved a hand. “Pepper and Rogers have mentioned you. Well, Pepper mentioned; it feels like Cap brings you up all the time. You going in to visit?”

“I was going to, but–”

“Chickened out?”

“Not allowed, apparently,” I said and jabbed my thumb in the direction of the gargoyles. At least the assholes pretended to be more professional then and stopped snickering, but even Tony Stark (aka Iron Man) peering expectantly at them from the top of designer sunglasses just made knockoff-Stallone shake his head.

“No unauthorized visitors allowed,” he repeated.

“Oh come on; what’s Cap going to say when he finds out you chased off his BFF?”

They looked at me like they still didn’t believe it for a second. Blond said, “I’m sure Captain Rogers will understand we’re just doing our jobs.”

The worst part was that they were right, damn it.

“What does she need? A note from home?” Stark waved his hand. “I can write one; who has paper. We still do paper sometimes, right?”

“She needs proper authorization,” the guy on the right sneered.

“Consider this authorization.”

We all jumped at the sudden appearance of a man in a suit, whose calm smile made him look like the dictionary definition of ‘mild mannered.’ The two guards, however, stood very rigidly at attention. “Sir.”

The new man said my name and extended his hand. “I’m Phil Coulson.”

I shook his hand and introduced myself properly. “I’m sorry but– am I allowed to–”

“You can visit Captain Rogers whenever you like,” Phil Coulson said and looked right at the guards. “Understood?”

“Yes sir,” they said, much less enthusiastically than their initial acknowledgement to him.

“Not that Captain Unblemished is going to be here that long, but hey.” I suddenly had a small bouquet of flowers in my hands, thanks to Tony Stark. “Since you’re allowed all-access now, can you give these to Cap? I’ve got things to do.”

“Uhh, sur–”

“Thanks, nice meeting you, etcetera et al,” Stark said and left with a dramatic turn.

Somehow I had imagined a little more mocking, maybe a few accusatory points about me ruining some of his fun in poking at Steve, but the guy seemed…annoyed. And not necessarily with me. I turned my head to Coulson, who only shook his. “This last assignment got…complicated,” he said and opened his arm towards the hall. Understatement, but at least I was finally going to get to see Steve. The two…gentlemen…parted, and my second savior (wait until I told Steve who the first was) walked with me.

“He’s right in here,” Phil– Coulson– Phil Coulson said, standing next to an open door with no room number. The inside was very dimly lit, and the curtain drawn halfway over the door blocked the bed from sight, but I felt less like a tension rod.

“Thank you, Mr. Coulson,” I said. “I’m sorry if I caused problems.”

“It was no problem for me, and there won’t be more for you,” he said like it was a promise. “And please, Phil is fine. I was on my way out earlier and I’m afraid I still have to go, but it was nice to finally meet you. Hopefully next time we’ll see each other under better circumstances.”

“Yeah, next time. Thank you,” I said and stepped in.

It was so quiet, and mostly dark, aside from a single light off in the corner. Steve was very still in the bed, bruised and bandaged, but I could see his chest moving. He looked roughed up, but he didn’t look comatose. He didn’t even look like he had come close to death. He just looked like he was sleeping.

I set the flowers down on the nearest flat surface and walked slowly, quietly, to the chair next to his bedside, and perched on the edge of it. I wasn’t sure, at first, if I should stay– he was sleeping; was this creepy?– but the more I looked at him the more I settled in. One of his arms was completely wrapped up; there was a bruise on his jaw, closer to his neck than his chin; a strip of stitches on his neck; one, two, three, four, five scratches that I could see, plus a patch of skin that was raw, like it had rubbed against concrete. He didn’t look as bad as I’d expected him to, which I assumed meant all the terrible things had happened on the inside.

But he was breathing. He wasn’t even on oxygen; nothing about the machines around him said he was in dire straits. With a little bit of makeup he could have looked like a hospital patient in a Hallmark movie, ready to wake up and be released at any moment.

But he had been hurt. He had been hurt badly enough that it was a blessing he had been out for the healing process. I didn’t know why I hated that idea so viscerally, but it made me want to punch something.

I sighed. A small tuft of hair hung at a weird angle over his forehead and I brushed it back into place. Then, just to reassure myself, I let my hand hover over his mouth and felt a warm, steady pulse of air.

“They took him out of it earlier.”

I jumped so hard I hit my feet and had to windmill so as not to crash into one of the monitors. Miraculously, I didn’t knock anything over or otherwise make a lot of noise, and Steve didn’t show any signs of waking. Once I was done with my quiet heart attack, I turned to face the woman standing at the end of the bed. She had red hair and eyes sharp enough to cut. I had a sinking feeling I knew exactly who she was.

“Uh…hi,” I said and forced my hand down, away from my heart and to my side. I told her my name and waited for her to finish looking me over.

“Natasha Romanoff,” she said.

Yup. “It’s nice to meet you,” I said. “Steve says a lot of good things.”

She barked a laugh. “Did Rogers pay you to say that?”

That was surprisingly harsh, so I kept quiet. I was batting a thousand today. But she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m sorry.” She straightened out and looked completely composed. Neat trick. “It’s been a long week.”

“I bet,” I said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” She moved her eyes to Steve and frowned. “Annoyed, but that’s not fatal.”

“Yeah, I’d have been dead a long time ago if it was,” I said and shrugged. “But I also would have taken a few jerks out with me, so…win some, lose some, I guess.”

She made a small noise that was neither this way nor that and I shut my mouth before I could embarrass myself further. She walked around to his other side. “Who called you?”

“Sam.”

“Did he tell you what happened?”

“Not…exactly,” I said. I didn’t really want to tell her because I wasn’t sure her current sense of humor would allow for me to fake-threaten our mutual friend, but she looked at me so hard I got my bank information and social security number ready to go just in case she wanted them. “I got upset and made a joke about having dibs on kicking Steve’s ass when he’s better. Sam said actually you had it first since Steve was covering you in some explosion?”

Her lips pressed tight for a moment as she stared at Steve. “He didn’t have to.”

“But he’ll probably argue it when he gets up.” I looked at him. “He’s a jerk like that.”

“Yes. He really is,” Natasha said. She started to reach for him, but then abruptly stepped back. “I’m– I can’t deal with him yet.” She started to leave, but stopped at the edge of the curtain. “Are you staying for a while?”

“I think so.” I pulled out my book to show her and set it on my lap. “I don’t really have much else to do today.”

She nodded curtly. “Good. The rest of us do, but Steve…he doesn’t have the best reaction to waking up in medical. It’ll be better if he has a friend.”

I couldn’t imagine anyone having a great reaction to waking up alone, in a hospital, after almost dyi– “I’m on it,” I said before I could delve too deep into those thoughts.

“Thank you,” she said with a brief burst of warmth that almost made her seem like someone else. Then she was back to being aloof. “I’m sure I’ll see you later.”

I didn’t even have time to say “Bye” before the curtain swooshed behind her and settled into place like she was never there.

~

It was a couple of hours before Steve began to stir, and I had only left my seat to stand up and stretch a few times. I didn’t know he was awake at first, until I saw part of the pillow shift, and I put my book on my lap to find him staring at me. Drowsily, but definitely staring.

“Hi.” He squinted and frowned. “Am I dreaming?”

I snorted and put my bookmark in before I set the book on the table. “No. I’m pretty sure your subconscious isn’t that mean to make my face the first one you see.”

He frowned deeper. “My subconscious definitely isn’t that mean to you.”

“Hey, I call it like I see it.” I leaned in closer. We were both quiet, and I was content to stay that way. “I’ve been looking up photos and your teammates are pretty. I mean, Sam alone would be a good sight.”

“Sam is very handsome,” he agreed so easily it made me smile. “But it’s not so bad to wake up to you. Not bad at all.”

“Do they have you on pain meds?” I asked.

He shrugged, and winced as he did so. “Doubt I could tell if they did. I don’t hurt as much anymore, though.”

“Good. That’s good.” I swallowed. “I’m glad you're okay.”

He got a small smile. “Soft.”

“Only right now. You scared the shit out of me.”

Steve lost his smile and opened his eyes wider. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault, it’s just…” It felt like my throat swelled, so I took a second to try and compose myself.

But Steve was alert now and sat up. “Hey, no; come here.”

I didn’t quite know what he meant, until I saw his arms open and, well, why not. I couldn’t help but glance at the door but there was no new noise and nobody I could see, and I leaned in to hug him as gently as I could. He wrapped his arms around me, warm and breathing and feeling like normal. “I’m okay. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“You scared a lot of people,” I said and stayed there until his grip loosened and I could pull back. “But since I’m selfish, yeah; mostly me.”

He smiled weakly and squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry you had to find out.”

“I’m not,” I said. “I’m glad; I…I guess maybe it’s weird for you that I’m here–”

“It’s not,” he said. “It’s definitely not. I’m just sorry I upset you.”

“It’s an upsetting thing.” I shrugged. “Emotions. They kind of suck.”

“Sometimes,” he said. Someone knocked on the door and we both looked when someone came in. I winced as the lights were turned on, but I suddenly realized Steve had still been holding my hand up until that point, when he released it to rub his eyes.

“Oh, sorry Captain,” the doctor said and she smiled at me. “I didn’t realize you had a visitor.”

“Oh, hi Dr. Sherazi,” Steve said, sounding a little brighter. He introduced me to her and we shook hands. I was getting a little tired by all the new people, but I tried not to let it show too much. Steve was worse off; I could be okay for him.

“When I said don’t be a stranger this isn’t quite what I meant,” she said and started checking monitors. When she turned to me, face already expressing apologies, I knew what was coming and I looked at Steve.

“Go home.” He reached out and touched my arm. “I’ll be okay.”

And I didn’t hide myself that well, apparently, because he gave me a Look that said he knew I’d rather be gone. I wasn’t sure whether to feel bad about that or not. “Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’m going to call Sam and after that I’ll probably be besieged by people wanting to yell at me.” He cringed. “I…don’t want anyone to see that, really.”

I nodded because I didn’t want to be obnoxious, but after I packed up I asked him, “Is it okay if I come back tomorrow? I don’t– I don’t have any plans, really; but it’s okay if you don’t…”

“I’d like that,” he said and opened one arm. I hugged him one more time and took a real breath for the first time since that phone call.

~

The next day I pre-planned my morning and set off with a few extra supplies. I stopped by a pastry shop on the way and stood in a long line to get a drink for me, fill a thermos for Steve, and buy a few treats which I shoved in my bag with his tightly-lidded coffee. When I got to the hallway and saw the same two guards I braced myself, but they looked resigned when they saw me.

“We apologize for the misunderstanding yesterday,” the dark-hair one said and his partner muttered something similar. “And for our reactions; it was uncalled for.”

I tried to smile as brightly as I could. “It’s okay; I can be a bitch sometimes too so, hey, kindred spirits,” I joked.

He frowned. Deeply. My smile fell. “It was a– I was just kidding; I meant–” I sighed and gave up when his face didn’t change. “I’m sorry,” I said and left.

Steve looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I came in and threw the curtain back into place behind me. “Even when I try to be nice I fucking suck at it,” I said and dumped my bag on the chair.

“Good morning to you too,” Steve chuckled and put his fork down. “What happened?”

I opened my mouth and stopped. He looked normal, healthy, but he was still in a hospital bed. “Don’t worry about it,” I said and put my drink on the side table so I could rifle through my bag. “Here,” I said and handed him the thermos.

“You're my favorite,” he said fervently and took it.

That made me smile again. Pretty big, too. “Also here,” I said and put the two white bags on his tray. “This place didn’t have strawberry so I got you a chocolate and a plain croissant.”

“You’re my favorite person ever,” he said and pushed the hospital’s plates aside so he could dig in.

“Yeah, yeah; eat it before someone else walks in. I didn’t bring enough to share.” I was the best. My smile was almost painful, but luckily Steve was too distracted to notice while I wrestled it under control. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. The burns are gone.” He held up his arm to show me skin instead of gauze.

“I guess you’re not going to be the mummy for Halloween.”

“No, but I could be Frankenstein’s monster maybe.” He extended his neck to show me the scar where his stitches had been.

“Tch.” I sat back. “It’ll be gone in a few days.”

“Like nothing ever happened,” he quipped, too lightly, but that was an issue I didn’t know how to tackle.

“Except for my new blood pressure medication from the heart attack you gave me.”

“Were you that worried?” he asked jokingly.

“Yes,” I said. He went silent and stopped eating. “Looks like I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to deal with actual concern.”

“I could learn,” Steve said with a softer smile.

“You’ll need to with friends like yours,” I said. “They were all pretty worried.”

He shrugged. “Most.”

Maybe– I hadn’t met all of them– but I was pretty sure I knew who he meant. “I don’t think I would have been allowed in without Tony Stark’s help when he came to visit,” I said. Steve’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “There are some SHIELD guys making sure not just anybody can come in and some random chick claiming to be your friend naturally didn’t make the cut. But when I was about to leave, Tony Stark came up on his way in and made it a thing until Phil Coulson came by and said I could be here.”

“Oh,” Steve said. “I’ll have to thank Tony.”

“Me too, but I’m trying to figure out how,” I said. “I’m thinking the cheesiest fucking card I can find but I don’t think he’d get that I’m joking. That would be awkward.”

Steve smiled. He was about to say something but I caught sight of the book in his lap and I jerked to attention as I suddenly remembered. “I brought you books!” I said and got them out to hand to him. “Just in case you get bored. I almost forgot.”

“Thank you,” he said, laughing, and set them aside. “Did you ‘just remember’ because you know I was going to say something sincere?”

Huh. “No, but wow, I got lucky.”

“Steve, you’ve got to get some friends that aren’t emotionally constipated.”

We both looked to the doorway to see a man with two butterfly bandages on his cheek, a smudge of dirt on his throat (in blatant contrast to his obviously recently washed hair), and a bouquet of flowers in his hands. The price sticker was still on the cellophane wrapping and I snorted at the sight. Perfectly coifed spies and billionaires were something else. This guy was an unmistakable disaster. I could handle that.

“But then how would he relate?” I asked as the man came over to give Steve a hug and place his flowers next to the set from Tony Stark.

“I’m way better with my emotions than you are,” Steve said, looking at me as his friend stood up.

“That’s like saying you’re taller than the ground,” I said. His friend laughed and I…took a little pride in that; sue me. Steve then introduced me to Clint Barton.

“Hawkeye,” Clint said and grinned wolfishly. “But if you don’t know who Captain America is then I’ve got no chance.”

I glared at Steve. “You told people about that?”

“It’s funny,” he said, his smirk nearly matching Clint’s grin for deviousness alone.

But Clint’s face fell when he sniffed the air. “Hey,” he said. “It smells like chocolate in here.”

“She brought me a chocolate croissant,” Steve said.

“Aw.” Clint deflated.

“Yeah, it’s all gone. Sorry,” Steve said.

Clint narrowed his eyes. “You're not sorry at all, are you?”

“Nope,” Steve said cheerfully.

Clint looked at me and jerked his thumb in Steve’s direction. “This guy.”

“Yup, he’s an asshole,” I agreed. I looked at Steve. “But for some reason we like him anyway.”

“For some reason.”

Natasha was apparently the queen of sneaky entrances, but I didn’t jump this time. She was a little steely, until she saw me looking, and then she gave me a real smile and greeted me with a hello.

Maybe she was like a shark waiting to bite, but I hadn’t done anything wrong, so I smiled back. “Hello Natasha.”

“How are you?”

“Oh, I’m all right. You?”

“I’m much better, thank you.”

“I don’t like this,” Clint said, creeping towards the door.

“You two have…met?” Steve asked, not taking his eyes away from Natasha. Smart.

“Briefly,” Natasha said.

She and Steve stared each other down and I looked around but Clint was gone. Oh. I looked at them. “Should I leave?”

Steve opened his mouth. “Please,” Natasha said politely, without looking at me. “We won’t be long.”

“Okay.” I stood up and left my bag at the chair, but I hesitated. However the way they looked at each other– Natasha ready to strike and Steve ready to defend– made this completely out of my league. I slipped out the door and shut it behind me.

“Oh geeze,” Clint said.

I sighed and stared at the door. I didn’t hear anything, but that wasn’t necessarily good. “I can’t believe I was so worried about him almost dying only to lose him like this. Unfair.”

Clint patted my shoulder consolingly.

But only a couple of minutes passed before Natasha opened the door, and she wasn’t covered in blood. That seemed like a good sign. Then again, strangling someone wouldn’t cause a whole lot of blood loss. I couldn’t help but peek in first and Clint did the same, but while Steve looked a little stunned, he was still alive.

“Wow,” I said and went back to my seat.

“I have excellent self-restraint,” she said and leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. “At least we finally got to meet you.” Her tone dipped into teasing. “Steve has been so sly, stealing away all the time for his lunch dates.”

Steve turned red and ducked down. “Come on, Nat.”

“Not very sneaky are you?” I said, even though it was true.

“No, he really isn’t.” Natasha’s lips were tinged with amusement. “But I hear you’re pretty direct yourself.”

I shrugged. “Guilty.” I looked elsewhere. “I don’t have the best filter.”

“You’re fine,” Steve said.

Maybe, but most likely not really. He was probably just being nice to me because I had fallen to pieces the day before. I cleared my throat and sat back when I realized I was leaning close to Steve. I could do this; I could make nice with his friends. I hoped. “By the way Natasha, thanks for that photo of Steve chucking Sam into the water. It’s my desktop background.”

“It’s what?!”

I ignored Steve and so did Natasha, but Clint laughed. Natasha smiled. “I’m glad you appreciated it. It is one of my favorite photos I’ve ever taken.”

I realized something then and dared to get my hopes up. “Steve. Surfing. Is there video?”

“Of course” and “Of course not” came in unison from Natasha and Steve respectively, and he whipped his head in her direction so fast I heard his neck crack.

“Natasha,” he pleaded.

“That’s very valuable blackmail though,” she told me. “I have stories that would unseat politicians I’d charge less for.”

“How much to peek at stills?”

“I’m sure your job is lovely, but it’s still probably more than you make.”

“A recounting of the experience?”

“Hmm…how detailed?”

“I’ll take subject-verb-object at this point.”

“Steve surfed wave.” Her lips curled devilishly. “Wave surfed Steve.”

“Two sentences?” I gasped.

“Well, I like you,” she said.

“Hey Clint,” Steve said. “Do me a favor and tell the doc I want those experimental pain meds she was trying to talk me out of. Or just, anything that makes me unconscious so I don’t have to hear Nat get sweet-talked into giving up that video.”

“Wow, you really do believe in me,” I said. “It’s okay though, my imagination can take it from here.”

Steve’s mouth screwed downwards. “I have no friends. Everyone I love is dead to me.” He looked thoughtful. “Or dead.”

That was so delightfully dark it shocked me into laughter, and Clint too by the sound of it. Natasha, however, punched him so hard he actually said “Ow!” and rubbed his arm.

I stayed with them for a couple of hours, until my patience began to fray and I started checking the clock. Not that Natasha and Clint weren't great (I might have fallen a little in love with her when she made a “Die Hard” joke so wonderfully dumb that Clint got caught up in a groan while he laughed) but I was just…getting tired. Before I could attempt some pathetic excuse, though, my phone buzzed and I pulled it out.

Pepper: You might want to warn Steve that Tony is on his way.

“Oh boy,” I said and fired off a quick ‘thanks.’ When I looked up they were all staring at me, and I looked at Steve to get my grounding. “Pepper just said Tony Stark’s on his way.”

“‘Oh boy’ is right.” Steve grimaced. “You should probably go before he gets here.”

I hesitated, because that seemed a little crappy, however…I knew my limits. “Yeah, I– I don’t think I have the energy for him.”

“Don’t worry.” Natasha took a seat. “We’ll supervise.”

“Aww,” Clint said, but he showed absolutely no sign of moving. How someone could lean almost 180 degrees in a chair that was very solidly 90 degrees (if not less) and even pretend to look comfortable I had no idea, but more power to him.

I packed up and stopped to hug Steve. He held me a little longer than I expected. “Don’t worry; I’ll be out by tonight,” he said and let go. “And as soon as I’m done with debriefs, I’ll let you know. I still owe you lunch.”

“So you better stick around.” I stood. “I’ll collect. Someday.”

“I won’t hold my breath on that one,” he said.

I held my heart and looked in Clint and Natasha’s direction. “He’s learning.”

I got a pillow to the face, but Natasha got a new cushion. And while Steve may have been annoyed…he was okay. And he was going to continue to be okay.

Win-win.

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[regular-lord-reckoner]

Alright so here’s what the fuck happened this time around 

First of all, the hospital itself sucks 

i really hate saying that because I know hospitals and everyone who works there gets shit, but I’ve had previous experience at this hospital and it was a Bad Time (aka the time they pulled a chest tube out of me without...giving me anything. No pain medicine, no nothin’. Not even a Tylenol or anything and it was...bad). 

But I figured hey, that was a few years ago and I’m sure things have probably changed since then but uh...nope! 

For starters, when I went in to registration they gave me my papers to take to Imaging and the lady told me where to go, but like...it’s a big hospital, it’s easy to get turned around and so when I was looking for where I needed to go one of the volunteers there offered to help, but when I handed them my papers all they saw was Quick Reg stamped on there so they took me over there and dropped my paper in this slot and told me to have a seat. (Mind you it said Quick Reg because it was the same paper from Friday when I came for pretesting, but that’s fine. I did say I was having lithotripsy so I figured they knew what they were doing.) 

But I’m sitting there thinking, “This isn’t right, they told me just to go to imaging...” but I thought someone would surely grab my papers and see the mistake and redirect us but we...sat there and sat there and sat there. 

Finally the volunteer came back around and went to check and was like, “This never happens, but there’s nobody back there, I’m not sure what’s going on,” so I tried to explain I didn’t even think I needed to be in quick registration but the volunteer insisted I wouldn’t be able to go any further until I did (plus my papers are now behind a locked door so I can’t just go get them) so I say okay and the volunteer manages to find someone and sure enough...guess who just needs to go to Imaging now!! 

So, I go there and hand my papers over and have a seat and a few minutes later someone comes to get me so they can do an X-Ray. 

They needed to see where the stone is so they know where to do the lithotripsy rather than just...aim blindly at my back or just shoot me all up and down my stent like...no thanks, so that’s fine.

But when I get finished with that they tell me to have a seat back out in the waiting room and then someone will come to get me so I’m like okay, cool. 

So we sit and sit and sit and finally my cell phone rings and I answer it and it’s...a nurse from surgery. Apparently they’ve been waiting on me. For like an hour by this point. So that’s cool. 

They get a volunteer to walk us down to where that’s at and so I get checked in there and get taken back pretty quickly. 

As soon as I get back there the nurse is handing me a cup to pee in so we can do a pregnancy test so I’m like okay cool, do that. 

But as soon as I come out the nurse is telling me there was something up with my urine when they last got a sample (on Friday) and I told her I was on my period then so maybe that was why? And she said maybe, so I go ahead and get my gown on and get in bed and shit but another nurse comes in and says my doctor wants to be sure it’s not something from the stone itself and in order to get a better sampling of my urine he wants them to do a catheter thing but like...they literally just let me go to the bathroom, I’m...empty. 

But I want this done so bad I say sure, let’s try, so both nurses take a turn sticking a catheter in me trying to get out any urine at all and there’s just...none 

(As a side note, one of these nurses when she was going over my history and whatnot sees that I’m taking Mestinon...I explain about having myasthenia... This lady asks me if it was just a “one time thing” and I’m like, “Well no...” ‘cause why would I still take medicine for it? I explain that I’ve had this since birth and she was like, “Oh, so you had all your vaccines and you get flu shots and everything? ‘Cause sometimes that can bring it about.” BITCH, WHAT???? SINCE FUCKING WHEN, SHOW ME ONE FUCKING ARTICLE THAT SAYS VACCINES CAUSE MYASTHENIA. SHOW ME. SHOW ME WHERE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU’RE A GODDAMN NURSE??? Yeah. Wild. I’m very polite and nice the whole time but at this point I’m screaming in my head.) 

Eventually the doctor comes in and talks to me. Looking at the X-Ray it looks like the stone has dropped down to where he can’t really do anything with it with lithotripsy anyway, but especially with my questionable urine he says we won’t do it today so I just...y’know, burst into tears. 

He writes me a prescription for antibiotics so we can try to clear up any potential bullshit so that whenever he does get rid of this thing it doesn’t just blast shit into my system and make me real bad sick which I get it, I get he’s being cautious, I get we’re trying to do the right thing here by me and I understand but like...I’m so goddamn frustrated by this point. So utterly fucking done and over it all. 

The only good thing about today was that they hadn’t started an IV on me just yet. If I’d had that done and had to have it immediately taken out I would have probably cried the entire time out. Instead they left me alone for a few minutes and gave me a wet washcloth to wipe my face with and I settled down, but I had to fight the urge to start sobbing again the whole way out. 

And of course, my poor dad, bless his heart, has so much trouble breathing and this is a big hospital that it’s easy to get lost in so when they let me put my clothes back on and send me on my way we get turned around and he had to do so much walking I feel bad having to have him do that, but I didn’t have anyone else to take me. 

So now I’m home, I’ve got my antibiotics and the nurse just called to set up my next procedure. He’s going to try to do what he did the time before this and go in to get it out and hopefully with having had a stent in for this fucking long it might be easier this time? Idk? If it didn’t work last time I’m not sure how it’ll work this time and I have zero faith by this point anything’s going to work, they’ll probably have to just go in through my back and get it out that way but like...fuckin’ fine, I don’t care anymore. I’m just done. I’m utterly, utterly fucking done. 

Oh, and naturally my mom’s off Monday and Tuesday and would have been free to take me but nooooo, the only thing they have for next week is Thursday!! Of course!!! Of course it’s fucking Thursday!! And I asked if I could at least go back to the other hospital because I like it better, but I guess the scopes at the shitty hospital are what the doctor prefers so like...fine. I’ll deal with their incompetent asses again if it’ll raise my chances of getting this fucking stone taken out of me. 

So yeah. That’s my luck, baby!! This shit kicked off back in March, really, and it’s fucking May now and not only did I get another fucking X-Ray today but I took time off work and I dunno what else I’ll be billed for today but probably something!! 

And naturally I came home to have another bill waiting on me, so that’s neat!! LOVE that for me!! 

And I hate to be so negative and put out because I’ve tried so fucking hard to pull myself out of this fucking rut I’ve been in for...months because I wanted this to work so bad and I was so optimistic and trying my best and this absolutely just slam dunked me into the floor, through the ground, and I really just want to cry some more. 

I know this is all in my best interest and I get it, I do, so I’m not trying to blame anyone or say anyone’s done anything wrong (although today was just...a cluster fuck because this hospital seriously has no idea what it’s doing at any given time) but at this point it just feels like I’m being punished for something on a cosmic level. Probably for being a bitch, Idk. 

And the really shitty part is literally all I want to do right now is just get high and relax but I’m still waiting to hear about this summer employment thing at my previous job and since I dunno if they’re gonna drug test me or not I probably shouldn’t throw away three weeks now of not having any of that good green stuff in my system so I’m just like...great. Super great. Love having to be fully present for how I feel right now. 

I guess I’ll just cry a little more, paint my nails, and maybe do a face mask and just try to distract myself with shit. I wish I had something positive to end this on because I hate just bitching and moaning about shit but I don’t really have it in me right now. 

I just hope if you’re reading this you’re having a better day than I am. <3

[jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets]

Lost in Translation - Ch 7

Title: Lost in Translation

Fandom: Star Trek

Pairing: Mckirk

Rating: Lemon

Tags: minor character death, hurt, little bit of self destruction, stranded, possible smut down the line, FLUFF OH THE FLUFF!!

Summary:

    “Attention citizens. This is the crew of the Enterprise asking for your aid. On Stardate 2264.78 a shuttle manned by our captain and fourteen cadets was ambushed by an unknown source and chased out of sight of our ship and into open space. Those cadets as well as our captain, James Tiberius Kirk, are still missing. We are asking anyone with any information on their whereabouts, or regarding the attack, to please contact the Enterprise immediately. Our family would appreciate any assistance you can give.” 

AO3 Link

Masterlist

Special Thanks: wanted to give a huge shout out to my girl Katie, AKA @goingknowherewastaken for being a huge inspiration for this fic as well as for being a huge help (especially when it comes to putting up with my frantic ramblings lol) you're awesome boo <3

A/N: So this chapter is a bit longer, but I think you’ll find it well worth it! *wink*

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Chapter 7

    Len found himself in the same spot he had been pacing nearly everyday for the last two and a half weeks, and Scotty was sure that if he didn’t stop the doctor would ware a hole in the floor of the transporter room. Scotty watched from his chair as the doctor did circle after circle, eyes wandering between the transporter padd and the screen in front of him before he finally spoke, “Doctor McCoy?” Len stopped for a brief moment to look to Scotty, “Might it be better if you waited back in the medbay, or your chambers? I can call ya when they get back.”

    Len shook his head and continued his pacing, “Spock said they wouldn’t be more then a day, it’s been two, what the hell’s taking so long?! Has anyone had any communication with them at all?!”

    “Sorry, Leonard,” Scotty shook his head, “I tried calling them yesterday and nothin’. I'm sure they’ll be back any minute now, so why don’t you head down to your office and I’ll call ya, you need rest doctor. You look a mess.”

    “I am a mess!” he shouted, though he hadn’t intended to yell at Scotty. But after nearly three weeks now of built up anger and impatience he couldn’t help it. “We’re going on three weeks Jim's been missing and no one seems to know a damn thing about where he went! I can’t take much more disappointment, I just want to know where he is-”

    As it all came boiling over Len felt the all too familiar clench in his chest, the rush of air being forced out of his lungs as if he had been punched. He leaned against the wall behind him and slid down to the floor, wrapping both arms around himself as he tried hard to catch his breath.

    “Right, hod on, doctor!” Scotty was at his side in seconds, sitting beside him, and instructing Len to match his breathing to his own, “I know it’s hard, but we’ll find him, Len, we will. You’ve just got to have a wee bit of hope. Jim's a smart man, I'm sure where ever he is he's just fine and waiting for his doctor to come rescue him.”

    Len looked up at Scotty, his breathing slowly coming back to normal, but before he could say anything the screen lit up and Spock's voice filled the transporter room, “Spock to Enterprise.”

    Scotty jumped up from his spot beside Len and landed himself in the chair, “Scott to Spock, you ready?”

    “Lock on and beam us up.”

    “Aye, one moment.”

    Len watched from his place on the ground as the padd lit up. He counted the figures as they came in and it didn’t look like they had any more people then they beamed down with.

    As they walked off the padd Spock eyed Len and shook his head. All Len could do to avoid another panic attack was pull his knees to his chest and burry his face in his arms. But he could still hear Spock and Nyota as they spoke to Scotty off to the side.

    “What took so long?”

    “When we entered the planet’s city centre there was someone there who thought they had information for us,” Nyota sighed, then continued, “but it was a dead end. It was a completely unrelated incident.”

    “I see,” Scotty ran a hand over his face and crossed his arms. His eyes wandered over to Len still huddled against the wall. He turned back to Nyota and nodded his head towards Len and whispered, “I don’t know what to do wee him. While yous are gone he comes in here and damn near wears a hole in the floor, and this time he went into a fit. Thought he was gunnae stop breathin’. He cannae take much more o’this, none of us can really.”

    “I know,” Nyota turned towards the still unmoving Len and placed a hand on Scotty’s shoulder, “I’ll get him back to his room.”

    “And I shall make way to the bridge. Perhaps some information came in while we were off ship.”

    Spock and Scotty both left the transporter room leaving only Nyota and Len. She slowly walked over to him and knelt down in front of him. She placed her hand on his arm and rubbed her thumb back and forth a moment before she placed her other hand on his shoulder and helped him off the ground. “Come on, Leonard, let’s get you to your room.”

    Without a word Len got up and allowed her to lead him through the halls.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Before Len even knew it he was standing in front of his door.

    “Ok, in you go, Leonard,” Nyota’s soothing voice came from behind him, “just go to bed and hopefully we’ll have good news tomorrow. If anything happens you know I’ll call you.”

    He nodded mindlessly as he opened the door, then turned back to Nyota, “He's… he’s not coming back.”

    “Don’t say that, Leonard.”

    “I have to face this at some point, Nyota, I can’t…” he stopped to take a calming breath, “I can’t keep hoping that he's going to walk off the transporter padd and come running into my arms. He's been missing for nearly three weeks and we have no information, not a damn thing. And there’s no way his shuttle travelled this far away from the original attack point. He's gone.”

    Len was near tears now and Nyota could see it. She could see the quick rise and fall of his chest and knew he was close to another attack. Running soothing hands down his arms she took a step closer, “There’s always hope.”

    “Yeah,” he scoffed, “people keep telling me that but I'm damn near out of hope at this point. Reality is what we need to face now.”

    “And the reality is that Jim is the best man that Starfleet has, and if anyone could have survived this attack and found somewhere to hold down until rescue, it’s Jim.” She gives his arms a squeeze and says with confidence, “I know it looks bleak but we’ll find him, even this far out. We’ve mapped out a few more planets they could have made it to, and we will find him on one of them, I know it. And he will walk off that padd and he will come running into your arms, I promise.”

    He shakes his head, “You can’t promise me that, no one can.”

    “Leonard, you know Jim better then anyone else. Deep down do you really think he's gone?”

    “I… I don’t want to.” He starts and she stares him down, knowing that was a half assed answer at best, “No, I don’t think he's dead, but I'm so drained, Ny. Every time you head down to a planet I get my hopes up and every time I'm disappointed. I can’t take much more of that. I just… I need Jim.”

    “I know,” she rubs his arm again, “we all do. But he is out there and we will find him, alive. And when we do if you two don’t get over this ridiculous tension, or shyness, or whatever it is between you, and finally admit your feelings for each other after all this, so help me god, Leonard, I will do it myself.”

    He chuckled, but he knew she was right. If… when they got Jim back he was laying it all out on the table. He wasn’t going to let another chance slip away from him, and he certainly wasn’t going to risk losing Jim again without telling him everything.

    Nyota gave him a small smile then turned him towards the door, “Get some rest, Leonard, I’ll see you in the morning.”

    He nodded and walked inside without another word.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    After the door closed behind him Len stood there for a few minutes just staring at the floor. Nyota was right, Jim was still out there somewhere and they would find him, but the wait was killing Len slowly, agonizingly.

    Without even thinking about what he was doing he wandered over to the liquor cabinet in his sitting area, and found himself with a bottle of bourbon in his hand. He popped the lid off and was just about to put the bottle to his mouth when he remembered what had happened the last time. He remembered Nyota's words to him the next morning in medbay. When they found Jim, he would need him to be the best he could be, sober and ready to give Jim whatever he needs.

    Without taking a sip he dropped the bottle to his side and walked over to the sink. No hesitation, he poured the entire bottle down the drain and placed the empty bottle on the counter, and with a new found determination he marched over to the cabinet and started removing bottles by the armful. One by one he dumped all of it down the sink, emptying the cabinet completely, and with a sigh he left the kitchen and walked straight to his room.

    He didn’t even bother changing, just sat on the bed and ran both hands down his face. When he looked up he was staring at the only picture he had in his room, one single frame perched in a place of pride on his nightstand. Len had purposefully placed it there when they were assigned to the Enterprise so he could look at it every night before bed, and it would be the first thing he saw when he woke every morning. It’s his favourite picture in the world, a memory of happier times. It’s a picture from when he and Jim had visited his Gran, back when they were still in the academy.

    His Gran had called him near the end of their second year. She would call every week to hear about Len's school, about his cute and funny room mate Jim, and sometimes Jim would scoot him out of the chair and talk to his Gran for hours. But this time she had called from the hospital. Len’s Gran had been having more and more health problems lately but she insisted that it was nothing, just a small bout of pneumonia, she had said.

    He thought back to their conversation that day, Len worried and Gran brushing it off like she always did, insisting she was perfectly fine…

    “I am fine, Lenny, don’t you go worrying about me.”

    Len sighed and shook his head, “I always worry about you, Gran. You're calling me from your hospital bed, how am I not supposed to worry!?”

    “You just focus on those exams you have coming up and make your Gran proud,” She pointed at the screen, “no fussin’ over me.”

    “Gran,” he pinched the bridge of his nose, “if I talk to your nurse, Karen, is she going to tell me I have to come down there?”

    “You know if it was serious Karen would have called you herself,” and she was right, he knew it, “but speaking of, it’s been a long damn time since I’ve gotten a visit from my favourite grandson.”

    He chuckled, “I'm you're only grandson.”

    “Still my favourite,” she smiled, “now, about that visit…?”

    Len turned away from the computer for a moment. He wanted to visit his Gran, he really did, but there was just something in him that couldn’t allow him to leave Jim.

    As if she could read his mind she asked, “Is it Jim?”

    Turning back he nodded, “Yeah, Gran. I don’t know what it is exactly but… I just can’t leave him.”

    The door opened then and Len turned to see Jim walking through the small hallway, toeing off his boots as he did. He waved to Len with a huge smile on his face and walked towards him shouting, “Guess who’s last lecture was cancelled and now has the whole night off!”

    Len laughed at him dancing through the living room and towards him, “I'm guessing the horribly dancing cadet in my living room.”

    “You love my horrible dancing,” he continued to sway his hips towards Len who leaned back in the computer chair with a smirk. When he got almost close enough to sit in Len's lap he saw the computer screen out of the corner of his eye, “Is that Gran!?”

    “It sure is, Jimmy my boy!” she smiled at him, “How are you doin? Good grades I hope.”

    “Nothing but A’s, Gran,” she gave a little fist pump and Jim sat in Len's lap to better see her, looking around her, “are you in the hospital?! What happened?!”

    “See, I'm not the only one that worries about you, Gran,” Len smirked from over Jim's shoulder, leaning his head there and wrapping his arms around the fidgeting body in his lap.

    “Well neither of you should, I'm fine,” both boys gave her a knowing eye roll, “but enough of that. Jimmy, I was just trying to talk Lenny into coming out to visit me the next time y’all have some time off school. What would you say to coming along?”

    Jim's eyes went wide, “You… you want me to come visit you in Georgia?”

    “If you want to,” she smirked then said, “and it would seem that my little Lenny has an awful soft spot for ya, doesn’t want to leave without ya.”

    Jim turned his head to try and hide the blush and Len couldn’t even believe his Gran. “I don’t want to impose on you guys. You should have your family time.”

    “Nonsense,” she waved him off, “you wouldn’t be imposing, no such thing. I want you here and so does Lenny. You are family Jimmy, you belong here, and you're more then welcome to come along if you want to. But I do hope you say yes.”

    Jim's smile brightened tenfold as he answered enthusiastically, “In that case I would love to come! I’ve never been to Georgia.”

    “Well now, that’s a damn shame son,” she pointed to Len behind Jim, “while you're out here you better show him all the ropes, you hear, full Georgia experience, and I’ll make you all my famous dishes.”

    Len shifted his head again to try and get a word in over Jim's shoulder, “We’ll have some time off after exams, Gran, so if you're home by then we’ll head out once exams are over. We’ll have two weeks off before we have to be back.”

    “That sounds great boys, I’ll see y’all then!”

    “Bye Gran, feel better,” both Len and Jim waved to her as she blew a kiss and ended the call…

    Thinking back on the memory Len laughed. After that call with Gran, Jim spoke of nothing else for the next three weeks leading up to exams. It was the most excited he had ever seen the kid and he thought it was adorable.

    Len ran his fingers over the picture in his hands. Gran had taken that picture on their first night in Georgia. The minute their last exam was over Jim was ready and waiting for Len inside their room, bags packed, and shoes on waiting by the door. They hopped on a shuttle and arrived at his Gran’s house late afternoon. When the sun went down Len had dragged Jim outside and started a fire, then the two of them laid in the grass and spent hours looking up at the stars together, clear as day in the Georgia sky.

    It was night one of their two week stay in Georgia, and Gran must have snuck outside to snap this picture. Len was lying on the ground, one arm behind his head and the other around Jim. Jim was using half of Len's chest and his arm as a pillow, wrapped in Len's oversized high school football jacket, smiling and pointing towards the sky. The glow from the fire lit up their faces and Len couldn’t help but think Gran had captured the perfect moment. Jim in all his wonder filled glory, and Len staring at him like he hung the moon and stars.

    That trip back home was the best two weeks of Len's life. Two weeks spent with Jim, two weeks of no class and no work, two weeks of just being together. And now that he thinks back on it, two weeks completely wasted. He was given so many opportunities in Georgia to tell Jim how he really felt, and out of fear he let them all pass him by. Now, he couldn’t help but think that maybe if he had told Jim back then, just grew a pair and told Jim how he felt, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe Jim wouldn’t have been so stubborn and let him on that shuttle, instead of heading off alone with fourteen fresh cadets. Then at least, they would still be together now, rather then Jim being god knows where, and Len laying in bed clutching desperately to precious memories.

    He lay back in his bed clutching the picture tightly to his chest thinking back on all the chances he had back then. So many opportunities wasted, and he swore then and there, that if someone would give him the chance again he wouldn’t pass it up this time. Jim would know, as he should have known back then in Georgia.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Turkey dinner, peach pie for dessert, and the best damn grandma anyone could ask for?! Bones, if you would have told me how amazing Georgia was, we would have come sooner.”

    Len just chuckled at Jim sitting on the couch across form him. In the mere two days they had been at his Gran’s farm in Georgia, Jim had certainly made himself at home. Not that Len or anyone else was complaining. His Gran loved Jim. Yeah, she had spoken to Jim over video calls before, and she always loved chatting with him, but seeing the two actually interact with each other was priceless. Not to mention Len was loving relaxed and carefree Jim Kirk. Usually the kid was running back and forth across campus morning, noon, and night. Taking on extra classes, joining extra curricular’s, and Len was lucky if he could pin the kid down for more then fifteen minutes before he was either running off to his next class, or promptly passing out on the nearest flat surface in their room. Social life be damned, apparently.

    But in good old Georgia, with no classes or crazy course loads, no late night medbay shifts or 2am emergency surgery calls, he was actually able to spend proper time with Jim and they were both finally able to breathe. And he noticed that Jim was taking full advantage of the fact that the next two weeks were completely wide open and stress free. No class, no obligations, no work, just him and Len and sweet little Gran.

    “Yeah, well don’t get used to it, kid. When we get back to the academy don’t expect me to dote on your every whim like Gran.” Len then shot a look at his Gran across the room. She was sitting in her rocking chair, smiling at the two of them. “Which you shouldn’t do, Gran, by the way. He's like an animal, if you keep feeding him he’ll never leave.”

    Jim threw one of the couch pillows across the room at Len, hitting him in the side of the face. Len launched the pillow right back, Gran laughing along with the two of them.

    “Nonsense,” she laughed, “I'm just glad to have two wonderful boys in the house to spend my time with. And you, my beautiful grandson, I haven’t seen you smile like this in a very long time.”

    She reached over and took his chin in her hand, giving his face a squeeze and a little shake. When she let go he smiled and his eyes trailed across the room to Jim, and when their eyes made contact his smile beamed even brighter than before.

    Gran watched the two of them, had been now for the last two days, and she was no dense woman. She had raised Leonard from the time he was knee high to a grasshopper. She knew the life he had lead up until now. She knew of the hardships he had faced from such a young age. And she knew that the reason why Len's attitude and entire outlook on life had done a complete u-turn, was because of the very handsome blond haired boy currently sitting on her living room couch.

   The two never took their eyes off of each other, just stared between themselves like no one else was there. But as said before, she knew her grandson and she knew him well, which meant that she knew if she didn’t do something about the tension between them, her head strong grandson certainly wouldn’t. And in her opinion it had already gone on for two years too long.

    A quick turn of her head brought her attention to the old record player in the corner of the room. A rare collectable Leonard had bought her for her birthday one year, along with a small box of vinyl’s to go with it. Standing, she motioned to the two boys, pulling them from each others eyes and said, “Move this table for me, would you boys?” as she sauntered over to the record player and began fiddling with it.

    The two got up without question and shoved the table out of the way against the back wall, leaving the room now wide open.

    “What are we doing, Gran?” Jim quirked a brow and Len returned to his seat.

    “We, dear boy,” she turned as she got the player working and an old song played through the room, “are going to teach you how to do the quick step.”

    “Alright!” Len chuckled at Jim’s enthusiasm, watching from his seat on the couch with a smile as his Gran began leading Jim around the living room.

    He remembered when he was younger, on the good days when it was just him and his Gran at home, and she would put on music and lift him onto her toes. She would swing him around the living room just like she was right now with Jim, and it was one of the very rare times she was able to pull a smile from Len. Of course, after many years since then and a significant dip in her health, she couldn’t move as fast as she used to but she was still as graceful as ever. And Jim, despite his obvious two left feet, never faltered her step and was somehow managing to pick up the steps fairly quickly. Even managing to swing Gran out for a twirl and pull her back in for a dip in Len’s direction. Len laughed and clapped for their performance as they continued to move around their makeshift dance floor. Jim laughing and swaying his hips to the beat of the music.

    Halfway through the song Gran caught Len's eyes over Jim's shoulder. She sent him a look and a nod in Jim's direction, a look that she had given him many a time before that meant “pick up your feet, boy!” and Len merely shook his head. Of course she would have an ulterior motive for the impromptu dance session, of course it involved getting Len to finally make a move on Jim, and of course she would have already figured out that Len would need a shove in the right direction to do so.

    So Len waited until Jim's back was to him again and stood. Gran saw him, and waited until Len was in the perfect position, then quickly turned in Jim's hold and twisted Jim around and snuck away from him. Leaving a very confused Jim halfway through a twirl and partner-less, until he found himself being quickly pulled into a pair of strong steady arms, flawlessly being swept back up into the motions of the dance.

    Len took the lead and Jim easily followed, the two dancing and laughing through the rest of the song. Gran took a step back to watch, loving the bright smile on her grandson’s face, a smile that even reached up to touch his eyes. She knew from the very first time she spoke to Jim that he was something special to Leonard, she knew from the way Len would tell her about Jim when she called every week. They were made for each other and obviously both too damn stubborn to do anything about it. But she would be damned if she was gunna sit back and wait.

    When neither of the boys were paying attention, Gran snuck up to the record player and swiftly switched the song, this time to a much slower one. She smirked as the two faltered at the sudden change in pace, their hands still clasped together, Jim's other arm around Len's neck and Len's holding Jim firmly at the waist. They stopped moving, both of them awkwardly looking away from each other and standing very close. Len watched as his Gran gave him a nod, then silently left the two of them alone in the room closing the door behind her.

    Len smiled and shook his head again. He could always count on his Gran to give him a not so subtle push in the right direction.

    He let go of Jim, who still couldn’t make his eyes, and took a step back. Len held out his hand and as the smooth voice of Elvis began singing the sweet lyrics of “can’t help falling in love with you,” and Jim finally met his gaze as he smiled and asked, “May I have this dance?”

    Jim smiled back and took Len's offered hand, allowing Len to twirl Jim once before pulling him in close, as close to his chest as he could manage, until there was nothing left between them. Len swayed them gently to the music, and as the song went on their steps began getting slower and smaller, until they had almost stopped moving. Len took the hand that was holding Jim's and placed Jim's hand around his neck, using his now free hand to lift Jim's face up to his.

    They were so close, closer then he had ever been to Jim. Their bodies were pressed tightly against each other, noses bumping and eyes half lidded as they stood almost motionless in the living room. While the song played on Len couldn’t help but think just how perfect the lyrics were for the two of them. He had fallen so hard and so fast for Jim Kirk right from day one, and he just couldn’t help it. No matter how many times he told himself it wasn’t the case, they were only friends, or that Jim would never love him back, in this moment he couldn’t help but think that maybe none of that was true. The way Jim was holding him, leaning flush up against his body and wrapped tightly around Len, one hand clutching his neck and the other wound into his hair, he wondered if maybe it were possible that Jim did feel the same way, maybe he could love and be loved by Jim after all.

    He decided then, as he ran a hand up Jim's back and felt the shiver that struck his whole body with the action, that he had to know. He needed to know how Jim felt, and he needed Jim to know how he felt. He couldn’t wait any longer and decided to go for it, he was finally going to make his move. The song was coming to an end and it was now or never. Their faces were already so close, noses touching and breath mixing between them. Len shifted slightly, bringing their lips closer, almost touching. He heard Jim's breathing hitch when their lips brushed against each other, and all Len had to do was press the smallest distance forwards and he would finally be kissing Jim. He was almost there…

    The fire alarm from the kitchen ripped through their moment, the two jumping in surprise with the sudden loud shrieking. After a moment to gather themselves they remembered that they were not alone and pulled away from each other in a panic, Gran was in the kitchen alone, and both went running through the door.

    Gran was standing on a chair by the stove, frantically waving a towel back and forth in front of the alarm over head. Jim quickly sprung into action and ran to the stove turning off the burners and opening windows. Len followed Jim further into the kitchen and looked up to his Gran who shot him an apologetic look and whispered, “I'm sorry, Lenny.”

    He just smiled at her, holding up a hand to help her down from the chair once the alarm stopped screaming at them. “What happened, Gran?”

    “Well, I thought you and Jimmy might like some ice cream and custard,” she began, knowing full well already that she had ruined anything that might have had a chance of happening in that room between them, “turned my back for a second to grab the custard mix and the damn milk boiled over and started burning. I'm sorry, boys.”

    Len gave her back a quick rub and Jim turned to shoot her a smile. “No worries, Gran, Bones and I will clean this right up for you.”

    “Yeah, Gran, why don’t you go sit in the living room. We’ll be in once we’re finished.”

    “You boys are too good to me,” she gave them both a pat on the arm as she walked past them and back into the living room, settling herself back into the rocking chair.

    It wasn’t too long before both boys came back, ice cream in hand for the three of them. She may have accidentally ruined the moment earlier with the burning milk fiasco, but it didn’t miss her eyes when Jim sat on the couch next to Len this time instead of the other couch. She also didn’t miss when Jim pushed himself even closer to Len, so close that their sides were touching from shoulder to knee, and Len's neck and face turned a shade of red so deep her roses would be jealous.

    They finished off their second desert of the night and turned on an old movie, but she was less interested in that and more so in what was happening on the couch to her left. From the corner of her eye she watched as Jim, who was already pressed right up against Len, shifted impossibly closer and leaned his head on Len's shoulder. Not soon after, Len lifted his arm inviting Jim to curl in, which he took no time in doing, and held Jim close to his side, placing his free hand on Jim's thigh and rubbing small circles in the soft skin there.

    It may not have gone exactly how she had planned it, but she couldn’t help but think to herself, point one for Gran!

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Len placed the padd on Jim's side table and took both his hands in his. “Do you remember that Jim? Dancing with me in the living room?”

    With the padd and logs forgotten for now, Len dove deeper into those treasured memories back in Georgia. “I remember it as if it were yesterday. You and me, swaying to Elvis in Gram’s living room. I… almost kissed you that day, I wish I had, and every day after that I wanted to. I guess I just never got the nerve to actually go through with it, with telling you how I felt or kissing you.” He sighed, giving Jim's hands a squeeze, “I doubted it at first, assumed maybe I was just reading signals wrong, but after our visit with Gran I knew there was more between us then just friendship, but I never wanted to push you.”

    Len chuckled. His Gran was right, they really were two stubborn and hard headed boys. “I guess both of us were waiting for the other to make the first move, and now look at us. I nearly went mad while you were missing and you're here unconscious and…” he took a steadying breath, “you're here and I can touch you, and feel you but I can’t… I can’t have you until you wake up, Jim. Just wake up for me, I don’t want anymore lost time between us.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Sooooo getting into some sweet memories!! XD I’m looking forward to writing more of these!

Would anyone like a little sneak peak...? Ok then!

So things to look forwards to: Cowboy hats, possibly more dancing, and...... THE POND!

As always if anyone wants to be tagged for the future, or any other fics, just let me know :D

Tags: @goingknowherewastaken @bi-e-ne @weresilver-in-space @0dannyphantom0 @haveyouseenmymind @medicatemedrmccoy @resistance-is-futile81 @jimboy-mccoy @reading-in-moonlight @flaminglupine

[scum-belina]

Well today was…a day. I’ve been cleaning my grandparent’s house almost non-stop the past few days, and today my aunt came over to help, and we got along pretty well, but me and her were outside a LONG time out in the heat gathering up loads and loads of old boxes, empty farm animal feed bags, and all kinds of other trash shit and burning it in a burn barrel. I honestly should just take up smoking now bc the amount of smoke we inhaled today probably fucked us up for good lol.

But when I came in, my mom was worried about me and said “why don’t you rest a bit and cool down, also please eat something because I know you’ve not are a thing all day” which she was right I just had coffee this morning and took off working, and when mom said this to me it was 4pm so yeah I should’ve ate something by then. But I told my mom I was fine and felt okay and I would rest and eat in a bit, but then my aunt chimed in and said “my God she’s 23!!! She can handle it!!!” And my mom got PISSED and said “shut up!” then my aunt said “no!” Of which my mom replied “yes!” Then my aunt just laughed nervously and my mom told her to kiss her ass so YEAH more drama. But I understand my mom getting pissed bc my aunt IS very bossy and overbearing, and my mom was only so protective over me bc of how my aunt and her daughter overworked me at the garage sale until I got mild heatstroke and still thought I was just being lazy.

But my mom is very tired of living here, as am I. She never clashed with her siblings like this when we lived in our own place, but since we’re staying at my grandparents, they feel like they have more of a say in our business and what we do, and they’re extremely rude about it and are very inconsiderate to me and my mom and all we’re going through. As soon as we’re financially able, we’re moving out into our new home aka my granny’s old house. But everyone thinks me and mom have no right to move and that we should just stay here and take care of my grandma’s horses while she takes care of my grandpa, and we are rn, but we can’t do this forever. We have our own lives to live too. My grandma chose hers, as did my mother’s siblings, so why can’t we live ours too???

My mother is exhausted here and isn’t treated right by her own family here. She’s already gone through enough trauma with dad getting crippling cancer, and then dealing with my suicidal, self-destructive self. She doesn’t need any more strife added onto her life, but her siblings think she just needs to “tough it out” and do what THEY want her to, and it disgusts me. She going to be 46 years old soon she shouldn’t be treated like she’s 5 years old by ANYONE. I’m really really upset and tired of how much of my family treats me and my mom literally like subhuman species just because we can’t drive. I’ve thankfully got the money to take driving classes and when things are more settled in our lives I will gladly take them.

This post is too damn long already but believe it or not there’s actually more negative shit going on than this but I won’t go into much else. My grandpa is back home, and is doing better than I thought, but is still very unwell. He’s very weak but he still tries to take care of himself the best he can. My grandpa has never been a person I’ve ever been fond of bc he’s usually a very mean and bitter man, but I do feel sorry for him rn.

My grandma is quite stressed at the moment, so I do not mind helping take care of her horses rn, but she’s admitted that they cost her too much now, and she just can’t take care of them now with how much help my grandpa needs now, but I’ll have to be the one to put them up for sale online for her, and idk if they’ll sell bc they’re all pretty old mini horses and she wants too much for them so idk. But they’ve got to get sold bc even me and mom can barely take care of them all in this heat.

My dad is still in the hospital and is doing alrightish. This time the chemo made him feel sick immediately so he’s had a rough few days, but he’s feeling a bit better today and I’ll see him tomorrow so that’ll be good. My asshole uncle will be at my grandparents a bit tomorrow to try and fix some of their plumbing, and I really hope he’s there while mom and I are visiting dad bc I want to avoid my uncle at all costs. He’s mean to my mom and really creeps me out.

One good thing tho: my aunt payed me a bit extra for all my cleaning…but only once she had found out I hadn’t eaten all day bc she was working me so much lol. Before then she was actually trying to put off paying me with all kinds of excuses smh but despite her often shitty behavior I still got paid $60 for all the cleaning and I intend on using it for things we need that my grandparents don’t usually buy.

Also one of my grandpa’s old friend and his wife came to see him today, and they’ve known me since I was little and today while I was talking with them they said I was so mature and very pretty and that was just nice idk. They were very supportive of my goal to become a language teacher in Japan and were impressed with how much better I was at socializing than I used to be lol.

TL;DR: things are still very rough here. Honestly I’ve thought seriously about killing myself at some point every day this week, but despite that I’ve still kept on, and hopefully dad will get approved for disability soon and we will be able to get out of here soon and live in our own home again. And then I’ll be more free to better pursue my dream career.

[remsyk-blog]

Prepare your butts

Because mine was not ready.

Holy. Shit.

Okay, so how badass where Lance and Hunk episode one? Freaken Hunk and his tailgating line?! And how about Lance doing the drop ship for the Blade? Oh yeah, no problem. Just drop them while flying at a high rate of speed, they'll just go full on ninja and Naruto that shit. Arms back for speed and everything!! And then you never saw them again. RIP BoM. And Keith?! Smol, angry child. Hi, my name is "Pissed Off", and I'm a Paladin of Voltron. He's so upset about losing Shiro again, so hung up on that single point. He bounces between extremes; it's no wonder no one is quite sure how to handle him, aside from Shiro. But his extremes are linked in the sense that he focuses on that one task, but it's the one task that would have the greatest impact. Aka taking out Lotor to end the galra threat, taking out Zarkon to end the galra threat. He only sees the forest, and plows through trees. But there were times that his stubborn nature just made me want to smack him. Keith, babe, I love you, I always will, but please, breathe. And as for the lions? NAILED IT!! I freaken called that shit. Though the "please, no" was just as painful as I thought it would be. However, I love that the bayards don't match. I love that the bayards still react to the person regardless. I love that Allura wears pink and it's not just cuz she's a girl. And I love her weapon. Whip that shit!! And I love Lotor!!! The sneaky, coniving, son of a bitch *coughcoughHaggarcoughcough*. He's calculating, he's smart, he's perceptive, and he's level headed. He's calm and collected where Keith is rage and fury. And did you see his ship?!?! Did you see how incrediy graceful and quick and the way it maneuvered? I love how the wings/arms move independently!! The simple design, and yet it almost seems to swim through space. It's beautiful, graceful, elegant, efficient. It screams Lotor. It's really hard to say "I totally called that" when no one ever saw it. Anyway, I figured Lotor would try to use Altean technology. Clearly with his attempt to collect part of the teladov, the scultrite from the weblum, it just makes sense. If they kept anything about him, it would be that he's a half breed, the result of the two warring factions, ie Galra and Altean. It makes sense that he would take the best of both worlds and twist them to his advantage. As for what he'll do with it,  it's hard to say. I'll think on that later. *sets rant aside* AND HOW ABOUT SVEN?!?!?!?! OMG I never in a million years would have seen that coming. HE WAS PERFECT!! He had the horrendous accent, the stupid, goofy questions. They wounded him in the same place!!! THEY GAVE HIM IS LINE "GET ME TO A HOSPITAL QUICK". I DDDDDIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEDDDD!!! Holy shit, it was amazing. A+ throwback. I can't handle that episode. So, Shiro with long hair. Shiro. With long hair. And stubble. I felt a ripple wash through the fandom, as though a million ovaries cried out at once, and were silenced. Can he just rest? Can we please, just let this poor man rest? Give him a moment to catch his breath, let him sleep, just let him relax for just a second. The poor guy just "got over" his first bout with the galra, only to be captured again, escape to a barren, frozen wasteland, cauterize his leg, get captured again, get back on a galra ship, chase after Voltron and get left behind, float through space for seven freaken days (which I call bullshit on because you can't survive that long without water, guys please), only to be picked up and they be like, oh hey, welcome back. No, actually, I'm angry about this. Let's take a moment to address this problem. In the brief moment I glanced at my feed, I saw the new wildfire theory about the possibility of a fake Shiro, and I'm inclined to believe it, based on a couple factors. I won't get into then now; it deserves it's own post. But most likely, if this turns out to be true, then he'll be controlled by Haggar, which will then be taken over by Lotor because of course he'll catch wind of it, and he'll btray the team and Keith will save him, and they'll kiss... or not, whatever. *collects rant, sets aside* But can we just talk about how Shiro's traumatic experiences have been glossed over? He has got go be dying inside. This needs to be addressed. This also deserves it's own post. *sets another rant aside, breaks up fight between other couple rants* Elsewhere, in another part of the fandom, fireworks are going off because another theory was proven correct. Who knew Zarkon and Haggar are totally married?!?!? Who knew they are the real Space Mom and Dad?!?! ZARKON DID IT FOR LOVE!!! HE DESTORYED HIS ENTIRE WORLD TO SAVE HER!!!!!!! I love that she had a cat. And that Zarkon was afraid of the cat. The throwbacks this season were on point. But one thing that concerns me are the parallels. There has been a lot of heavy emphasis placed on parallels, and the direction they're pointing is not a good one. More on this later. *sets yet another rant aside* I'm going to rewatch this tomorrow. I'm probably going to post after each episode, so brace yourselves. There's just so much that was packed into this super short season. And we only have a couple months to digest it; season 4 drops October 13th. I'm gonna post my theories. I can't help it; I love to theorize and speculate, and I love seeing other people's interpretations. So if you've made it this far, hi!! Here's a random bit about myself: I hate the sound of ambient noise in tv shows. I especially hate the sound of water, all those times someone wrings out a rag and the water drips back in the bowl. It's like nails on a chalkboard. It makes me want to stab something.

[kyetalksshit]

Update for the first time in SO LONG

Hey guys! 

So it’s the 4th of july and I’m tipsy. Happy shitty ass holiday to all of u who care about it. I don’t. Fireworks are boring and sound like gunshots and loud ass cis white republican christian people get louder than usual about how “great” this country “used to be,” and get to celebrate the day this country was founded on native american genocide and rape and began an era of slavery and racism and a bunch of other motherfucking goddamn bullshit. 

Anyway. 

I told a storytime on my youtube channel about my ex who I called Gregg (bc he looks like Gregg Sulkin, or at least I thought he did back then. It’s actually a two parter so far. I have yet to get to the part where he dumped me over text and then tried to be friends with benefits with me, I refused, I tried, he refused, we fought a lot, repeat cycle. Wow that was a fucking shitstorm. Finally unfriended him a couple of months ago because of a shitty ass facebook post and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. Plus, he has a girlfriend now, and at this point any desire to communicate with him was based on a pure physical attraction and/or wanting to have some sort of intellectual conversation with him because, as much as I honestly still kind of resent him, I do admire his brain. Anyway.) 

So when I told the storytime, I spent a good hour going through my tumblr for posts about him (and his, for posts about me, which I remember desperately hoping for back when I was still with him or right after we broke up) and it kind of made me miss blogging. 

This has been the longest intro in the fucking world. Oh my god. Ugh. 

Anyway. 

I just kind of wanted to get on here and talk a little bit. 

I don’t remember what my original pushing thought was, since again, I’m tipsy, and I got so sidetracked talking about “gregg” (though let’s be real, if any of you watch that storytime and have followed me for long enough, you know exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t even follow me on tumblr anymore. He unfollowed me a long time ago, actually. And now that I’m talking so much about him I’m kind of tempted to text him, which would obviously be a fucking bad idea, but you know. I’m a masochist. We’ll see what I do later I guess. I don’t know.) 

I’m kind of miffed today. And by that, I mean I’m actually hurt but too prideful to say I’m hurt. My family is very clearly celebrating for this shit holiday, which they don’t know that I don’t care about, by the way, and no one even invited me. Yeah I was working most of the day but I got off at 8, and anyway I hadn’t told them I was working. My mother probably just “assumed I had to work and couldn’t make it” again. Even though she promised to make more of an effort to invite me to things. My heart hurts. 

Yeah I don’t care about fireworks, but I love my family and I miss my niece and my sister isn’t talking to me because apparently I’ve changed and she misses “Amber,” not “Kye.” (Oh yeah, I go by Kye now. Just, btw.) 

What she doesn’t seem to realize no matter how many times I tell her, is that Amber, that girl she grew up with that she apparently misses so goddamn much, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was a fucked up piece of shit too, if I’m being honest. I call my past self Amber instead of “past Kye” because I don’t know her anymore. You know why? 

Because I’ve been through so much motherfucking goddamn bullshit since then. I was raped. I left my family for a goddamn year over some slightly shitty but WAY overexaggerated bullshit (that, let’s be real, I’ll never fully forgive myself for) that was twisted into a horror story by the evil ex whose name I can’t even fucking SAY because it makes me feel fucking nauseous. I almost killed myself a couple of times. I cut over and over and motherfucking over again because I was so goddamn depressed, I got kicked out of TWO apartments (once because my roommate was just a bitch and wanted any made up excuse she could find, the other because my alcoholic roommate who sexually assaulted me MY FIRST NIGHT THERE and who is STILL my dm for one of my dnd games and tries to pretend he fucking cares about me, hallucinated our neighbors trying to kill us and made me take him to the hospital and file a police report when it was just his goddamn mind). I’ve been so broke for the past couple years I was a camgirl for awhile. I did live camshows for money. I also sold photos and videos of me naked, sometimes taking requests. It made me fucking miserable and gave me flashbacks but I was jobless and had to pay rent. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been considering starting again because I’m broke as fuck and I want to cry from how stressed I am most of the time, but I haven’t yet. You know why? 

Again, I was raped. And sexually assaulted, not just by that roommate, but also by two family members (like when I was a kid) who will remain unnamed (who never even said I’m sorry, by the way, even when I brought it up. I still hang out with one. How fucking sick do I have to be to still hang out with a family member who sexually assaulted me and apologized to my sister for touching her, but not me?). But also because I’ve been in this deep disgusting ass pit of self fucking loathing recently. I feel fat and ugly and nasty more often than not, every time I get a crush or a lust-crush on someone I start to feel guilty about it because how dare I burden someone with the weight of having to deal with my affection? I feel lonely and also selfish for feeling lonely, I miss my family but I also avoid them. And then I get upset when they don’t invite me to things. 

This is the last holiday I’m ever going to spend living in North Carolina. Connor and I are leaving for Los Angeles on August fucking 5th. I’ll be around for my brother’s and my cat’s birthday (incidentally they’re both on August 2nd), but then I’m gone. I won’t be able to make it to Christmas this year because let’s face it, I won’t have the money. The soonest they’re going to see me after I leave is MAYBE Christmas 2018, and I’m not even sure that’s going to happen. Hell, I’m not even christian anymore, celebrating it feels weird. 

Also, going back to this whole name shit and “I’ve changed” bullshit, Amber was an asshole. She made racist comments and used to say the “n” word back in high school. She literally laughed in boys’ faces when they asked her out if she wasn’t attracted to them, not even just because they were “out of her league” because she (rightfully) didn’t believe in “leagues,” but just because if she was going to say no, she was going to be a bitch about it. I remember one of my best friends’ little brothers asking me out in 9th grade, and he was in like 7th. He was OBVIOUSLY too young for me but I should have been fucking nice about it. Instead, I laughed at him, literally fucking laughed at him, and just said “omg bye.” 

She also didn’t know how to stand up for herself. She was mousy and depressed and anxious and small and hated herself and so who gave a fuck if people used her because what good was she herself anyway? Like yeah, Kye is fatter and her mental health has gone down the fucking drain (no really, my counselor thinks I’m borderline and I really need to be medicated honestly because it’s so hard to function I’m scared I’m going to fail at trying to be alive) but at least she can mostly say no, and she can cut people out her life when she wants to. At least Kye can pinpoint when people are trying to manipulate her (though if we’re being honest here, and holy fuck we really are, since the fucking evil ex aka my rapist, my mind is warped as fucking hell and I don’t know what’s real anymore. The amount of manipulation I have imagined and overreacted to is insane. My uncle wallace won’t talk to me because I overreacted when he had a shitty opinion and posted it on a status of mine, and I took it as him attacking me. I want to cry every time I think about it but I already sent him one long message explaining why, and then the next day I sent a really long apology message. I don’t know why I keep fucking things up with everyone I care about. It feels like Connor and my cat are the only ones I have anymore, and even Connor can drive me crazy sometimes because obviously, that’s how people are who live together and have known each other for 8 fucking years, and I’m so hard to live with and deal with because of the bpd and the fact that my anxiety shows itself in irritability and the amount of times I’ve snapped at them for fucking nothing is absolutely ridiculous. I’m mad that they still haven’t learned how to drive and we’re moving in a month and it’s looking like I’m going to have to drive by myself from one coast to another while they blissfully chill in the passenger seat and doze off or play on their phone or whatever, but in reality they’re probably really anxious about it too and they probably feel bad but can’t make theirself do it and it’s just I feel so shitty all the time oh my god). 

I don’t even know what the point of this post is, I just think I needed to vent somewhere that I don’t have to be careful what I say because no one reads this shit anyway. The second I vent where ANYONE in my family can see it, they’ll all jump down my throat for being “disrespectful to my parents” or some other bullshit. They fucking love bandwagons. One of their favorite phrases is “my army is bigger” and honestly that shit scares me because yeah, it is. And that goddamn army is too fucking prideful (like me) to accept when they maybe should hear someone out, and they will literally cyberbully you if they can. It may sound whiny, but I really do feel like I was cyberbullied that day with uncle wallace. I’m not even kidding (and again, no one reads this so I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s tru) I legitimately wanted to kill myself that day. Everyone was jumping down my throat AGAIN over something I said that hurt my mom when I didn’t even know it hurt her. If I had, I would have taken it down and apologized. They were also attacking me for an immature snapchat saying “fuck you and your shitty ass opinions” which was about my uncle, and yeah I deserved a little of that bullshit but I admitted that was wrong very shortly after. He wouldn’t even hear me out, but I was the bad guy, the disrespectful, ignorant black sheep who treated everyone like shit. I keep trying to pretend I’m over the whole thing but I’m so not. I won’t forget who said shit to me and who didn’t. Because that shit fucking hurt. 

I don’t want to tell Connor how mad I am over something they may not be able to control, I don’t want to fucking rub my sister’s face in how ‘not’ Amber I am (also, just, sidenote, the main reason I changed my is really because I hated Amber and wanted some control over my life and it really has made me happier, but also honestly it was partly because my fucking rapist has never called me “Kye” and so when I’m having fucking rape flashbacks I can separate myself from it so when she insists that Kye is horrible and she hates me now (she didn’t say that but she said I wouldn’t be in her life if I weren’t family and let’s face it, I’m not in her life rn anyway and I may as well not be family with how I’ve been treated recently, not that it’s not partly my fault, but still) and that she misses Amber, who she grew up with, who is the one she misses, not me, not who I am now. Honestly, when we were fighting it felt like she only said that because she needed a concrete reason to be mad at me so she grasped onto the fact that I’ve changed, which my whole family complains about, but

Look at all the motherfucking goddamn fucked up shit I’ve been through in the past few years. OF FUCKING COURSE I’VE CHANGED. It hurts like hell that my ENTIRE family is mad that I’m not the same girl who left them for an abusive fiance. Like yes, I’m kind of a bitch now when I need to be, and yes I overreact to things BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA U DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT, and yes I changed my name and I’m not the motherfucking goddamn same but how dare you want me to be? 

I WANTED TO DIE. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER HATED MYSELF AS MUCH AS I DID THEN. I HAD TWO EATING DISORDERS, AN ADDICTION TO CUTTING (for which I’m now getting urges so I’m going to end this soon), I HATED EVERYONE I KNEW, I WAS FUCKING SO DEPRESSED I COULDN’T EVEN, UGH, I WAS ONLY SLEEPING ONCE EVERY TWO NIGHTS SO I WAS HALLUCINATING, I PUSHED AWAY EVERYONE WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, I SNAPPED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS NEAR ME WHEN I WAS ANXIOUS AND I DIDN’T KNOW MY TRIGGERS. NOW I CAN AT LEAST SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SO I DON’T HURT PEOPLE AS MUCH. I DON’T TALK ABOUT THE VIEWS I HAVE THAT CONFLICT WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S SO I DON’T HAVE TO ARGUE WITH ANYONE. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SMALL, THEN MADE MYSELF BIG, AND REVERT TO SMALL WHEN I’M AROUND THEM, BUT IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING ENOUGH FOR THEM. 

WHEN, please fucking tell me WHEN, when will I be enough for them? 

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 5x18: “Point of No Return”

Quite the interesting song choice. “The Man Upstairs” by Kay Starr.

Bummed out Zachariah at a bar.

“That’s all they care about upstairs, ain’t it? Results, results, results. They don’t know. They’re not down on the ground, in the mud, nose to nose with all you pig-filthy humans, am I right?”

“Absolute—filthy what?”

lmao, poor guy catching what Zachariah said.

Another gif I’d seen often without knowing what the context was.

RIP Stuart and the bartender. Killed by Zachariah’s “boss”...whoever that is.

Dean-o.

Preparing to leave.

I”m trying to pause the screen to read this letter Dean is writing. I can make out the words “you’ll look after her” which is probably referring to Baby (tho I did initially think it was about Lisa, as he had told her last episode that “they” won’t get what they want from him without agreeing to something first...aka protection for her and Ben.) Also before that statement, it looks like Dean made a Back to the Future reference (which, of course he would) “Where we’re going, we don’t need  no roads”

He also mentions someone (or something?) being an “honorary Winchester in my book” and I hope he means Cas.

[After episode edit: Supernatural Wiki is awesome and provides a transcript to a good chunk of the letter. It confirms most of my guesses except the “honorary Winchester” is Bobby; I ain’t even mad about that.]

It was about to be sent to Bobby.

“It’s not too hard to figure out the stops on the Farewell Tour.” Well thank god Sam knows Dean so well.

“How could you do that?”

“How could I? All you’ve ever done is walk away.”

“And I was wrong. Every single time I did.” 

“You know I have to stop you.”

“Yeah, well, you can try. Just remember: You’re not all hopped up on demon blood this time.”

Dean delivering some low blows here...and he’s just getting started.

Cas! 

Who is phenomenally pissed and staring daggers at Dean.

“But if Lucifer burns this mother down, and I coulda done something about it, guess what? That’s on me.” Huh, that’s still part of the reason Dean says yes to Michael in S13.

“You’re not my father. And you ain’t in my shoes.”

DEAN WINCHESTER, YOU TAKE THAT BACK IMMEDIATELY.

It would’ve been kinda hilarious if Bobby had shot Dean for that alone.

“That’s the round I mean to put through my skull. Every morning, I look at it. I think, ‘Maybe today’s the day I flip the lights out.’ But I don’t do it. I never do it. You know why? Because I promised you I wouldn’t give up!”

:(

RIP 2 angels. Killed by Cas.

Will the real Adam Milligan please rise?

Cas wards Adam.

My god, Adam sounds so much like Dean.

Whoomp, there it is. Adm was brought back to replace Dean as Michael's vessel.

Cas shading Dean, lol.

“Why would they do this?”

“Maybe they’re desperate. Maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them.”

“Alright, you know what? Blow me, Cas.”   

Adam even acts like Dean, whereas Ghoul!Adam was more like Sam...

“Please, just trust me. Give me some time.”

“Give me one good reason.”

“Because we’re blood.”

Yeah, that ain’t gonna cut it.

“No, John Winchester was some guy who took me to a baseball game once a year. I don't have a dad. So we may be blood, but we are not family. My mom is my family. And if I do my job, I get to see her again. So no offense, but she's the one I give a rat's ass about, not you.”

Dude, it’s not their fault they never found out about you.

Jeez, what a dick.

Not that easy to escape, pal.

“The one thing worse than seeing dad once a year was seeing him all year.”

“Do you know how full of crap you are?”

“What?”

“Really. You see, it was me and it was my mom. That's it. She worked the graveyard shift at the hospital. I cooked my own dinners. I put myself to bed. So you can say whatever you want about our dad, but the truth is, I would have taken anything.”

SERIOUSLY WHAT A MEDIUM BAG OF DICKS

 Does Adam ever stop with the smartass remarks?

DEAN WHAT THE FUCK.

“I mean, think about how many people we've gotten killed, Sam. Mom, Dad, Jess, Jo, Ellen. Should I keep going?” None of those deaths were your own fault, you’re reaching for straws here pal.

“I just…I—I don’t believe.” 

“In what?”

“In you.”

I hate Dean’s campaign of driving people away so they’ll let him go, I h a t e t h i s.

“You’re angry, you’re self-righteous. Lucifer's gonna wear you to the prom, man. It's just a matter of time.” 

“Don’t say that to me. Not you...of all people.”

Omg, an almost direct parallel from “When the Levee Breaks”.

You made Sam cry, you asshole.

I love Bobby checking in on his sons :’)

How did Dean know Cas was gonna come down to check in on him? That crash was well timed.

And Cas actually showed concern for him!!

Dean, you fucking asshole.

“Cuff him to your chair.” lmao

Adam, meet Zachariah.

The other time where I can’t even argue against Zachariah...except for the “erotically” bit.

“Trust me, kid, when the heat gets hot, they're not gonna give a flying crap about you. Hell, they'd rather save each other's sweet bacon than save the planet.” Oh wait, there’s another time he’s just...kinda right. Tho I’d kinda argue that they’ve come a long way from that.

OOOHHH HERE IT COMES. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN THE SERIES...and the reason I started shipping Destiel full time.

El Sol!

OOOOHHH IT’S DEAN BEATDOWN TIME!!!

It is so satisfying to see Cas beat the shit out of Dean after everything he’s said and done in this episode.

Also, how are NONE of the passing civilians noticing this fight???

I just...get a huge kick out of that scene. 

And now, I attempt to explain why this scene (of all scenes) was the reason I started shipping Destiel:

To me, there were two stages of Destiel; 1. Dean’s in love with Cas and 2. Cas is in love with Dean. For whatever reason, this was the moment I realized Cas had very deep feelings for Dean. 

The level of betrayal he was feeling from Dean seemed much more personal than just ‘I went to bat for the guy and he struck out, wah wah”. 

Also, the fact that he emphasized that he did/gave EVERYTHING for solely Dean definitely came off more than platonic to me. 

(Not to mention how close their faces were to each other; almost every time I watch this scene, I half expect them to start making out with each other.)

All I know is that from there on out, I looked forward to their interactions--well, even more than I already did-- and that I was looking at them in a different light.

“Bobby, what do you mean ‘Adam is gone’?”

“Should I say it in Spanish?”

lmaoo. Knowing Bobby, he probably could.

“What the hell happened to him?”

“Me.”

ayyyy

Unceremoniously dumped on the couch, lmao.

And I also kinda love that they asked about what happened to Dean only once, then proceeded to talk more about Adam. It may be because he’s the bigger fish to fry, but it kinda reads to me that Bobby and Sam are in silent agreement that Dean had that beating coming, so they won’t even ask more about it.

The Green Room.

Oh, Persephone move there bro.

“So you lied...about everything.”

“We didn’t lie. We just avoided certain truths to manipulate you.”

Adam, you poor fool.

i wonder who carried Dean down to the panic room.

“Word to the wise: don’t piss off the nerd angels.”

“Either it’s a trap to get me there to make me say yes, or it’s not a trap and I’m gonna say yes anyway. And I will. I’ll do it. Fair warning.” No, you won’t.

“When push shoves, you’ll make the right call.” Sam’s right.

“I—I don’t get it. Sam, why are you doing this?“

“Because… you’re still my big brother.”

I am like, Sam’s #1 fan when it comes to this episode. I am rooting like hell for him.

Van Nuys, California.

I love Dean’s reaction as Cas takes off his tie; he even looks over to Sam like “you seeing this?”

“Whoa, wait. You’re gonna take on five angels?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t that suicide?”

“Maybe it is. But then I won’t have to watch you fail.”

RIP Dean, torn a new one by Cas.

Dean looked at Cas like he thought the box-cutter was for him.

RIP angel. Killed by Cas.

One down, four to go.

What a badass move.

“You came for me.”

“Yeah, well, you’re family.”

Awww.

Crap.

Zachariah’s just twisting the knife.

“Damn it, Zachariah. Stop it, please. I’ll do it.”

“I’m sorry. What was that?”

“Okay, yes. The answer is yes.”

:(

You can literally pinpoint the moment Dean changes his mind.

“I said…before Michael gets one piece of this sweet ass…he has to turn you into a piece of charcoal.” There’s the Dean I love.

“Michael’s not gonna kill me.” Zachariah’s last words.

RIP Zachariah. Killed by Dean. Still such a satisfying death!

Whoa, just realized Dean watched Zachariah die...and he still has eyeballs.

Dean lets go of Adam to help Sam. That one little decision with such huge consequences...

“Dean! Help! Deean!” 

Poor Adam. I really do feel sorry that he got caught up in all this. I’m kinda hoping they’ll address him a bit in S14.

“You think Adam’s okay?”

“Doubt it. Cas either. But we’ll get ‘em.” aww.

“So, what changed your mind?”

“Honestly? The damnedest thing. I mean, the world’s ending. The walls are coming down on us, and I look over to you and all I can think about is, ‘This stupid son of a bitch brought me here.’ I just didn’t want to let you down.” 

ACCEPT THE APOLOGY SAM.

“Just...let me say this. I don't know if it's being a big brother or what, but to me, you've always been this snot-nosed kid that I've had to keep on the straight and narrow. I think we both know that that's not you anymore. I mean, hell, if you're grown-up enough to find faith in me…the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny, right in the face. I say we take the fight to them, and do it our way.”

That meant the universe to Sam.

HELL FUCKING YES DEAN. You are forgiven for the bull you pulled this episode.

[katmac95]

Why the fuck do I have PTSD?

Some first blog post, eh?

I’ll be using this blog to say things that are a bit too long for Twitter, but things I still feel the need to say.

First, I want to talk about my PTSD and why I have it. 

Some people don’t like talking about their trauma. I need to. I don’t enjoy talking about it, but it does make me feel freer when I do. It gets it out of my head and off my chest, so to speak. And that helps me.

This post may not be pretty but it’s not supposed to be. The stuff I’m going to share is all very raw and rough, so its delivery will reflect that.

*deep breath* 

I’ll start from the beginning, I guess.

From the time I was small, my father beat my mother. Often, he did this in front of me. My mom left my father with me in tow after sixteen months of marriage, and they were divorced shortly after. I still remember him coming after us with a knife when I was a baby. I remember times when I’d hide behind the toilet and refuse to let anyone touch me. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs because I was scared to death and that terrified energy had nowhere else to go.

When they divorced, my father was awarded partial custody of me by the state. God knows how a man with multiple convictions of DV and drug possession could get partial custody, but whatever. He did.

During his visitation weekends, he would often: hit me, swear at me, call me names, hit me with a belt or other objects, hit my dogs, break my things, withhold medical care (I once broke my foot under his care, and he refused to take me to a hospital), didn’t feed me (I taught myself to cook at 5 years old because of this, though he’d get angry if I tried to feed myself on the days when he wouldn’t).

And when he’d get new girlfriends, he’d beat them, too (again, in front of me). I remember one night, my dad was mad at his long-time girlfriend (they were off and on for most of my childhood) for one thing or another, and he slammed her hand in a door and broke it. I was in the next room, and I still remember her screams and the mangled mess he’d made of her hand. She filed a police report against him, and he went to jail for that.

I believe he’d been to jail quite a few times by the time I came into the world. When I was a kid, I remember him being incarcerated three separate occasions. I’m pretty sure two of those three were for domestic violence, the other for drugs. Or perhaps vice versa. I’m not sure, but his buddy would always bail his sorry, stupid ass out. Even as a kid, I remember hating that buddy, and wishing my father would stay incarcerated until I turned eighteen. At least then, I wouldn’t have had to see him.

Yeah, so, about the drugs... My dad’s drug of choice was meth. Or, well, his buddies referred to it by its street name, aka “crank”. He smoked it, sometimes around me. It smelled like sweat, cat piss, and cookies, in case you wondered. Now, meth has a rep for being one of the worst drugs on the market, with good reason.

First, there’s the rush. The person will wig the fuck out, but at least they’re “happy”-ish… It’s mania to the extreme. If depression is a low, then meth is high, HIGH, H I G H. Some people gouge their eyes out, others talk seven miles a minute and make you watch Alex Jones and read Andrew Anglin (yeah, my father was a keeper). He was never quite “gouge out his eyeballs” bad, but I do remember some weird manic shit (he once hooked a package of hamburger meat to some jumper cables from his car because the government had supposedly installed nanotechnology in this particular package of meat to spy on him).

Then would come the downward spiral when the rush began to fade. His mania would very quickly shift to irritability, anger, paranoia, and he would threaten to (or actually) beat the shit out of me for “looking at him wrong”. Or he’d threaten to kill himself if I did something he didn’t like. Or he’d threaten to drive us off a cliff, to kidnap me, or to [insert suggestion here]. Being with someone coming down from a rush is fucking terrifying, to say the least.

Finally, there’s the crash. The user will become so tired, they’ll spend entire days in bed. They don’t eat, they don’t acknowledge their responsibilities, they just kind of lie there like they’re dead for the whole weekend and get upset with you if you ask them to make you food (even though you’re a child and afraid of burning yourself on the stove because you’re not tall enough to actually reach it yet).

Through all this, my mom did pretty much nothing, despite the fact that I told her literally every single weekend that I was scared my father was going to kill me. I implored her to ask for sole custody (the fact that I knew that term at six should’ve been a clue that I knew what I was talking about), but she refused because she was scared of him. I was, too, only I couldn’t do anything about it without her help. CPS was called twice on him, but I wasn’t bruised “enough”. And my mother was too afraid to act, so nothing was done. Though I estranged myself from my father at fifteen, he had partial custody in the state’s eyes until I was eighteen.

Next up, my childhood babysitter, who was a right piece of work. Her children would steal my belongings and then claim they were theirs (I remember this little foam souvenir I got from Seattle that her kids took, and when I went to retrieve it, I was punished). This daycare provider’s methods of punishment were archaic. She and my father would’ve been great friends, I think. This woman would punish us by literally locking us in a 2x2 coat closet for hours at a time. We couldn’t sit, we had to stand. We couldn’t make noise, we had to “think about our actions”. And it was completely dark; even the gap under the door was covered. Now, I was kid who–with my trauma history–acted out a LOT (I mean, daily), so I dare say I likely spent more hours inside that closet than out of it when I was 3 and 4.

Oh, and when she was extra angry, she’d step on our hands or backs.

Yes, that sounds unbelievably barbaric. Her daycare facility was closed down in 1999 or 2000, I think, because a parent threatened to sue (or did sue, I’m not sure).

When I was young, my dad used to leave me with people I didn’t know in our neighborhood, while he… well, I don’t know what he was doing, but I’m guessing it involved something illicit. Anyway, this one time, when I was six, he left me with a teenage boy who lived across the way (my dad gave him a few dollars to babysit or whatever). And this kid had seemed nice enough. But, part of the way through the day, we rode our bikes down to the local creek to skip rocks. The boy threatened to drown me if I didn’t let him grope me. I’m not proud of this, but I acquiesced. He got mad at me for resisting, and threw me and my bike into the creek. My dad got mad at me for it.

And onto the next trauma, which is definitely in the same vein as the last. I mentally and emotionally cannot handle going into specifics here, but when I was ten, I was raped by a doctor. I was then groped by another doctor when I was eighteen. This is the only chunk of trauma I will keep relatively private, because it remains the most traumatic experience of my life and I just can’t talk about, it other than to acknowledge that it happened and that I’m terrified of doctors as a result.

Last one about my dad, I promise.

My dad would sometimes show up at places where I was (school, out to meals, etc.). These were places he was not supposed to be, mind you, as he wasn’t supposed to see me outside of visitation weekends. Sometimes, he used to threaten to kill himself/ me/ others/ pets with his rifle (the only reason I knew he had a rifle was because he kept threatening to use it). He would physically block my exits, always had to control where I was or who I was with, and liked to grab my wrists to physically restrain me. I mean, he was the epitome of abusive white male. My father is the most vile excuse for a human being that I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

While we’re talking physical abuse, when I was a kid, I had a scout leader. This one time, when I was fifteen, she was mad at me for “mouthing off” when I refused to do something (a chore, because I’d been doing all the chores and I didn’t think it was fair that I was always working while my peers had all the fun–that was a valid complaint, btw). She got mad, came up on deck of the scout boat, grabbed me hard enough to leave bruises, dragged me down a ladder by the arm, and physically prevented me from going back above deck until I had done the stupid chore.

Because I felt unsafe, I left the program and tried to join another unit. But they turned a blind eye (because that’s scouting in America). I left the program altogether and forfeited all the awards I’d spent multiple years to earn. I failed my junior year of high school because of the resulting period of depression (I also dissociated the entire year of 2012, and don’t remember 99% of that school year).

Throughout all of this, my mother was... I mean, she tried in her way. I believe that. But when I sought comfort or told her I was suicidal, she’d say things like I was annoying or she should’ve aborted me. So, while I’m sure she cared in her way, she didn’t (or couldn’t) be what I needed in a mother. She was often just as angry and unpredictable as my father, though far less violent.

My mom also tends to shut down or change the topic if the current one makes her uncomfortable. She’d often give me the silent treatment as a kid, until I dropped whatever it was we were talking about. Or she’d yell at me/ call me names/ whatever. Unfortunately, many of these conversations had to do with my abuse, so these hurtful things often came during times when she knew I was already vulnerable. While I believe my mother cares and has always cared, she was not able to protect me as a child, and I don’t know if I can make my peace with that. She wasn’t able to be what I needed, and that has weighed on me for most of my life now.

I’ve never really had a safe adult in my life to turn to. I don’t know if anyone can be what I need, but I know I still need it. And that’s a tricky place to be. My therapist has said I should’ve been placed in foster care, and I’ve often thought maybe my life would’ve turned out different—better, even—if I had been. Though, I suppose there’s little point dwelling on this; I will never know, and I’ll have to be okay not knowing. I just wish I had a safe “chosen family” to kind of balance out all the chaos. Like an anchor, I suppose.

I have tried to kill myself three times, the most recent of these attempts in September 2017. I regularly struggle with nightmares, suicidal thoughts, shame, guilt, anger, lying (I tell people I’m fine when I’m not, or that I’m taking better care of myself than I am), trouble focusing, and the list goes on and on. I also curse like a fucking sailor, in case you hadn’t noticed (it’s angry energy that needs a place to go... I’m not punching anybody).

So, that’s why the fuck I have PTSD.

[lizzylightning]

Overdue Update. AKA - The Hospital Post

Damn Tumblr, it has been a minute. I've intended to make a post several times and actually began a few of them but have found myself too mentally drained to put forth the effort to finish them. It's your lucky day though, work is slow and I need something to do to maintain sanity whilst I sit in the floor waiting for my next run so you win Tumblr, YOU WIN. Life has been simultaneously wonderful and mega stressful, it's beginning to seem as though that's just its nature although I really wish it weren't. Since I was too foolish to see when I last made a post before this one, I can't exactly remember what has gone on since then but I'll do my best to hit a few of the high points. About a month ago both my girlfriend and I experienced a terrible weekend that began with her fainting on me three times due to dehydration that was caused by some mild food poisoning (pro tip: don't eat meat that's been left open in the fridge for two weeks) and ending with me in the hospital for dehydration myself. Drew had been feeling a little off prior to us starting to cook dinner that Friday evening but she figured it was just because she was hungry, during making spaghetti she felt like she needed to sit down so I took over cooking duties for her. She sat there for a few moments and then had to run to the bathroom, upon her return she didn't look well, she was pale, very clammy and cool to the touch. The first time she fainted it was your stereotypical fainting event, she felt like she was on the way out and then slowly collapsed in the floor, I rushed over to her and she quickly came to. I gave her some water and our roommate, after hearing all the commotion of me trying to wake her came out and gave her a granola bar to eat. She appeared to be feeling somewhat better so she sat while I finished dinner and then we ate. Shortly after eating dinner she began to throw up, we both attributed this to her having eaten some long out of date pepperoni left over from the pizza she had made me on Valentines Day (did I mention she's the best?) she had eaten for lunch that day. She clearly wasn't feeling well post vomiting but not really much worse than one would expect, so neither of us worried too much. That didn't last long though, a few minutes later she went to the bathroom again and less than a minute after she went in I heard a thud all the way from our room. I burst into the bathroom to find her on the toilet slumped over against the wall, completely unconscious with both her eyes and mouth wide open. This time it took me a solid 30 seconds to wake her back up, she was cold, clammy and completely out of it. She slowly regained function over the next few minutes but just barely. As I sat there with her telling her that I was going to take her to the hospital, her eyes rolled back, her head fell back, started gritting her teeth and something I've still decided if it was gasping for breath or snoring. It was around this time I went into full freak out mode, I desperately tried to wake her up but it took a full minute and when I finally got her to respond she was so woozy she could hardly sit up. I cleaned her up the best I could, sort of carried her to the car and rushed her to the hospital. It was around 1pm on Saturday at this point. I would be thankful that we currently live within minutes of the hospital if it weren't for the fact that we sat in the waiting room for nearly 4 hours before she was taken back to be seen by a doctor. 4 hours of sitting in an uncomfortable chair, in a cold room, watching my severely dehydrated and as I felt at the time, potentially dying girlfriend sitting in a wheelchair across from me. I've been thru so many tough times and traumatic experiences in my life but even by this point this was by far the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I was so scared to lose her and felt so helpless... here I am a month later and still find myself welling up with tears here at work just thinking about it. Every time I walk into the bathroom at home I can't help but to remember the sight as I came thru the door and found her against the wall. I truly hope this was the last time we have to go thru anything like this for a long time. Anyway, after a mere eternity in the waiting room we were taken back to a room in the ER, from here things improved a lot... for a while at least. Once back in the room, the doctors and nurses unlike the nurses in reception, were reasonably respectful of my girlfriends pronouns. I think we both cut them a little slack because as of that time she had yet to get her name change completed or her gender marker on her ID changed, it sure was a motivator to get working on that, which she has since done. I am thankful that they did take her medical issues seriously, Drew has had hypertension for a long time and has been on two different blood pressure medications for years, so they were sure to give her an EKG and keep a steady eye on her BP and pulse. As soon as they got her started on an IV she seemed to regain some skin color and feel a little better despite being exhausted. We were both exhausted at that point, I had been up for 23 hours straight, so I pulled two chairs together enough to at least stretch my legs out and managed catch two half hour long naps while Drew got a good two hours worth of sleep. Her health thankfully continued to improve and she was released around 1pm Saturday. When we left the hospital she was not yet at a 100% but I would say she was at 75% at least, I could tell this because during the last few hours before her discharge, as we sat and watched tv she was practically drooling at every commercial that featured food. That's the Drew I know! I was so glad to finally be headed home to sleep but more importantly I was stoked to be headed to Subway, it had been nearly 15 hours since I had eaten by then. When we got home we both ate our subs and promptly went to sleep. Things get sort of hazy for me after that though. I do remember we woke up at some point and ate dinner, some time shortly after that my stomach became very upset and I began to have diarrhea and started vomiting. Drew thankfully was doing a lot better but my gastric distress continued throughout that evening and into the night. Initially I wasn't too worried about the situation with my stomach. I have both gastroparesis and bile salts malabsorption, if I eat too much too frequently, I vomit because of slow digestion due to my stomach muscle being paralyzed. If I eat too little or too infrequent, I'll have to deal with diarrhea, low blood sugar and some vomiting due to a complication from my gallbladder removal in 2003. We had spent so long in the hospital and the only snack machine I could find was broken so I just wasn't able to eat, this in turn completely destroyed my stomach... as soon as food hit it, my body rejected it. By the next morning I still wasn't feeling fantastic but anything was an improvement over the night before, so we started the day with breakfast and hoped for a quiet day of recovery. Within an hour I found myself in the bathroom and was very ill. I vomited until it hurt, until the undigested spaghetti from Friday night came back up (it was lunchtime Sunday at this point). I tried to eat crackers, I tried to rest, I tried to drink water but I couldn't even keep that down. Finally I reached a point where I could barely stand, I couldn't maintain conversation... I was so exhausted I found I had to choose between physical movement or talking as I no longer had the capability to do both at the same time. So yet again, roughly 48 hours after I had taken Drew to the hospital, she was driving me there. When we arrived I was a mess but I had very low expectation for treatment as I felt Drew had been much worse off than I and it took nearly 4 hours for her to be seen, so we began our wait. I was so thirsty and physically uncomfortable, it was only about 30 minutes in before I became so uncomfortable I couldn't take sitting in the chair any longer and decided to lay on the floor of the emergency room. In hindsight this was a poor decision, I can't fathom how gross that floor actually was, but in my fevered mind it was all I could do to survive. It took about an hour and a half before I was taken back to a room, the nurses and doctors poured in as they had done before, asking a million questions, including the ever frustrating "when was your last period? Never? Why is that? <insert confusion>" I got stabbed in the arm by a lovely gentleman who confided in me that a good friend of his had recently transitioned from FTM, and while I still have a bruise on my arm from the whiff he took finding my vein the first time, I enjoyed his friendliness. It used to be I would find myself annoyed with that sort of interaction, the whole "Hey! Your're trans! There's the other trans person I know too!" but amid the current political climate, it makes me feel good to know that there are CIS people who know at least one trans person. I don't think that can ever be a bad thing and hopefully they'll speak well of and stuck up for us during the ever present transphobic workplace conversations that crop up. Anywho, my treatment was fairly routine. I was severely dehydrated so the started an IV and gave me ice chips, which I have to say, when you're that dehydrated... ice chips are fucking heaven sent. I got two bags of fluid, about half way during the second bag they decided to start checking my vitals. I was so uncomfortable and in such a bad mood it only took a few minutes before I freaked out and removed the blood pressure cuff and pulse/blood oxygen sensor thingy, much to the displeasure of the in room monitors alarm. Thankfully the doctor could tell I was feeling better and didn't press the issue which was a relief, without pain meds I would rather die than have those contraptions on my arm. I got discharged around 9am and we both went home and slept all day long. It was glorious. I missed that day of work and the next which was a total bummer, but since my work is so physical there was no way I could've managed, upon my return on Wednesday I could hardly function, earlier than that would've been an impossibility. It took about two weeks before either of us made a full recovery and life, as always has been up and down. We've had some great days though, this weekend was particularly wonderful even though Drew has been dealing with allergies along with playing a show Saturday night, so now her voice makes her sound like she's about to do some rad skateboard tricks or something. Minor car troubles have been a thing too and there's some interesting news on that front, but I'll save that for my next entry. Until next time Tumblr... until next time....

[godefylife]

Shanel Williams-Jackson, owner of Carolina Girl Confections, is as unapologetically bold in life as she is in every recipe.

Shanel Williiams-Jackson of Carolina Girl Confections. 

There are very specific moments when I’m frankly reminded of why I love doing what I do. Our Entrepreneur Spotlight of Shanel Williams-Jackson was one of those moments. Within the initial twenty seconds of my conversation with Shanel Williams-Jackson of Carolina Girl Confections, I knew this was going to be fun!

  Williams-Jackson opened our conversation with one question. “J.R. you know me. I have a potty mouth…soooo…is that gonna be a problem?”

After releasing a hearty laugh, I let her know it was actually encouraged.

Two things happened with that. 1) Shanel was relieved that she could be herself, and 2) I opened myself up for the absolute most engaging, entertaining interview I’ve ever conducted.

I will not further delay your access to the highly motivated Williams-Jackson, other than to let you know we here at Defy Life are honored to have her as the first female to be featured on our  Entrepreneur Spotlight. Enjoy!

  Tell us about Carolina Girl Confections.

I was basically just baking cakes for fun and for family. I love baking and I love cake. It went from maybe a cake a week to about five cakes a week. My husband, Benjamin, asked if I could bake a cake for something at his job. And two days later some chick called me and asked how much I would charge her for a red velvet cake. I was shocked as shit, but my pride would not allow me to tell this lady that I really didn’t know what the hell I was talking about as far as pricing goes. So, matter-of-factly, I told her $25. And she jumped all over it! I baked the cake and that order turned into dozens of orders from the V.A. Hospital. This cake thing started taking over my life and I started thinking about what it would take to do it as a business. But, I wanted it to be legitimate. I didn’t want to be one of the “Oh, your sister’s cousin’s friend makes cakes” people. Coincidentally, the Cottage Food Bill had just been passed in June of 2012. It took me over a week to even get the application for a business license, because nobody knew what the cottage bill really was at that time. Finally, somebody just told me “Look, if you just bring us this, we’ll get you your license if you pay the fee.” It was a laundry list of items, paperwork, zoning information, so much. But, I got it. And ever since, I make sure it’s done every year. Because, I’m scared if I lose it, I’ll have to go through this same thing again. So, Carolina Girl is my baby. I love it, I have to feed it in order for it to grow and it gets on my damn nerves just like all other babies!

Which of your items are the most fun and most challenging?

Well, let’s get the most challenging out the way first. You know the movie ‘Frozen‘ right? The snowman, Olaf, from the movie. I had to make a 3-dimensional Olaf cake for this lady and she wanted it to stand up. Her daughter was turning 4 and was really particular about her Olaf cake. She wanted real twigs for arms and everything! The head kept falling off. And this was very early on in my business and I knew I needed more training on that. And I even said to her that this isn’t really my thing, I like to do southern heirloom cakes. She said, “No, I trust you”. It was a headache. But the cake came out beautiful! And she said it tasted amazing. But anything that is custom, because it’s so much work and do much goes into it. And you don’t really make a lot of money on them until you get to the thousand dollar mark, when you consider the supplies and man hours.

The fun stuff for me is anything southern heirloom. My Caramel Apple Mason Jars are fun. I’m looking  that eye roll! You know when you taste something so good and your eyes roll back. So when I see the eye roll, I know I’m doing it right! My Soda City Cookie, named for Columbia, AKA. I do the Soda City Market sometimes and we’re usually sold out of those within an hour. I wrote the recipe for it and did a trial run on them because it was new. And people loved them! They’d ask what kind of cookie it was and my dumb ass was like “It’s a cranberry, white chocolate, walnut…”. I realized I needed a name for them. So, I named them for the Soda City Farmer’s Market.

Why do you do what you do?

To pay my damn bills! Hahaha! But seriously, that’s a huge part of it. We’re parents so, we’ve got to make money. Really, I know it’s cliche’, but I really do love what I do. I not only have been afforded the opportunity to have my own business, but I was afforded the luxury to stay home and build a business. That’s not always where I was in life. You know, I was a single parent for a long time before I met my husband. I know how it is to work for somebody else. I know what it’s like to not even have work. My husband and I talked about it and decided that it was worth it to try it. Now, everyday is not great. There are times when he’s like, “If you’d just work.” and I’m like, “Where’s the love?!!!? Hahaha! But I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. I really just love it. And I feel as if I’m showing Morgan and Ben, my kids, that you can love what you do. You don’t have to be in the rat race and constantly complain about it. Because that’s what I used to do. I’d come home, we’d sit down to eat and I’d just complain the entire time. By the time I was done complaining, dinner was over. My business gives me clarity.

What was your “Ah-ha” moment…when you knew this is what you wanted to do?

Really, it was separated into parts. There was an “ah-ha” moment early, but I completely ignored it. Then there was one, and I was like I see you over here. I had to acknowledge it. Unfortunately, it was when my daddy died. He got sick and I left my job to become his caregiver, full time. I was still baking cakes the entire time. When he died, I had to decide if I was going to go back to work for somebody else? I knew I didn’t have have the time or energy to do this, work, parent, be a wife? And the cake orders were rolling in. I figured, maybe not. It would be kind of cool to just try it. But things were just being placed before me and it opened my eyes. I didn’t have to quit my job, but I decided to do that to take care of my dad. So, then the real questions started. What do we name it? How do I make this work with just one oven?

I’m so glad I didn’t ignore those signs. I never thought to myself “What can go wrong?”. I thought to myself ‘What can go right? I could be the bomb!” The Food Network has called me three times. I’m just a country girl from Newberry. What are you doing calling me? The first time they called, I was in complete shock. I really thought it was someone playing a joke. When I realized it was real, I froze up in the middle of my living room with my mouth hanging open. My husband thought somebody died. I couldn’t believe it. It’s moments like that that remind me that it’s worth it.

Professionally, what are your goals?

First off, I sat my family down. I played music and asked them to visualize. That’s the kind of nutjob I am here! I described the place to them during all of this. This the is most wicked fucking place! With exposed brick, comfy seating, great atmosphere. With really cool staff and awesome comfort food. You know how you go somewhere and order macaroni and cheese and it sucks ass? Not that macaroni and cheese! The kind of macaroni and cheese you get at revival and think you would gladly trade your sister for another serving. That! But, that place has been engraved in my brain for so long and it it quickly becoming a reality. It will be a mainstay for everyone.

I want my kids to have a legacy in every way. Maybe they don’t want to bake cakes or cook. But, I do want them to have options. Maybe, one day they’ll wake up and realize that this is cake life!

What/who inspires you?

The who would be easier. Obviously my kids. My husband…he definitely inspires me. But, those are the obvious ones. I get inspired by the kids in my kids’ school. I’m president of the booster club and these kids look at me like I’m the bomb. But, they don’t know how real the struggle can be. My nephew, B.J., he inspires me. If I’m at the market and I see a customer being rude to a cashier and the cashier is still like “Have a great day!” with a smile on their face. That inspires me as well.

I get inspired by my dogs when the are trying to steal a damn sock! I have little 6 lb chihuahuas and they will fight with everything in them to steal that sock. Of course, you’ll be missing that sock for 3 weeks, but it’s cool. I inspire myself too. I think about me at 19, my mama died, and I thought I was gonna die right along with her. I was completely lost. I went through a whole lot of shit. Some self-inflicted, some inflicted by others. But, I came thought that. I push myself, keep learning new things and don’t settle for bullshit. And, when I see it, I have to look back at the old me and remind myself to keep pushing. I’m inspired daily.

How do you balance being a wife, mother and an entrepreneur?

Shanel Williams-Jackson with her husband, Benjamin.

Ha! When I saw this question I was like “What balance?!”. Obviously, I guess I am kind of doing some kind of balancing act. But, I tried the traditional shit. Alerts, a calendar, the whole nine. I actually went out and bought color-coded markers and assigned a color to everyone in the family…”Morgan, your color is pink. Ben, you’re green. Husband Ben was blue. And I am orange.” You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t the shit! The calendar was full! My kids do everything. Track, football, volleyball, chorus…everything! Benjamin’s work schedule, my baking. It lasted a week! I couldn’t handle it. Just seeing it everyday made me mad. I felt like I was forgetting more shit than when I was just doing it on the fly. I had to just realize my life is just crazy, soak it up and make it work. Then, when all else fails, I just yell at everyone in the house and tell them I can’t do it all by myself. So, when I’m done checking chorus shit, checking Honor Roll shit, completed wifely duties, I get in my car and go bake. Sometimes I have to tell myself that I can rest when I’m dead. Because the grind doesn’t have closing hours. At least not for me.

What’s the most powerful part of being black female business owner?

I would say, for me, just the responsibility. I have to be responsible to myself, my family, the people in my community. The kids at Lower Richland, when they come to me and say they are interested in culinary arts, I’m responsible for guiding them. Because they see what you’re doing and it’s big for them to feel brave enough to verbalize it. I have to be responsible to keep my business in good standing. Taxes and paperwork and everything. If I don’t it won’t be legitimate and I’ll be just another side hustle. I also have to be responsible for my attitude. Because, we’ll pop off in a second! But, I can’t. I have to be more responsible about that now. People will give you a bad review and have never tasted a bite of your cake. So, for everything that I say, it’s attached to my business, even if it has nothing to do with business. With the people I have an impact on , yeah, I feel that responsibility is very powerful. Being a black female, we are the cornerstones of our families a lot of times. There’s no looking around waiting on mama or grandma to fix it. I have to be responsible for that.

What is your advice to aspiring entrepreneurs?

I would say, first, is to listen to your instincts. As humans, our instincts will tell us everything. It will tell us to “turn left!” and we will completely ignore it. So, I’ve learned to listen to my gut instinct. That has served me so well in business. Especially when there was something I’d put entirely too much thought into, I just have to listen to my instincts.

Besides that, don’t be afraid to try new things. Also, don’t stay in business just for the sake of being in business. I was told that and it has rang true over and over. Thankfully, it has not come into play within my own business. I’ve seen it time and time again. Passion is one thing, but you can never forget that you are in business to make money. If you are willing to pay taxes and go through license renewal fees, get inspections, you need to remember why you’re there. If you are not making money, you need to re-evaluate.

Speaking of money. Always get something up front! I used just take an order and collect the payment once everything was done. I got burned a few times and it didn’t take me long to learn. Now, it’s 50% up front, homie! And 100% up front if the order is less than $100. Definitely, collecting something up front is a must.

What’s the scariest part of being an entrepreneur?

Failure, without a shadow of a doubt. You know, when you’re an entrepreneur, you have no one else to blame but yourself. You can have other people working for you and they can screw your business royally. When they news comes out, it’s not going to list that employee. It’s going to say your business failed. When I worked for someone else, I knew when i was getting paid, when to take a break, when to go to lunch. Now, I’m responsible for all of that. Failure frightens me more than clowns and spiders!

How do you Defy Life?

Well, what we already know is that life is gonna happen. Whether you like it or not, life is like “Fuck you! This is going down!”. So, some days it’s just gonna kick you in the gut. I defy life by living. I live my life, life doesn’t live me. I’m so thankful for my husband. He enjoys life and he so spontaneous. God forbid, if he were to lose his job, he’d be like, “Look, they told me not to come back. So, I got a couple of days off. We can go to the beach for a couple of days. Not a whole week because I don’t have a job!” Hahaha! But, defying life to me is just living. Whatever comes at me, I look at the possibilities with my end-game in mind. I’ve already overcome so much. So, yeah, I defy life with the way I live it!

Contact Carolina Girl Confections:

Phone: 803-753-8087

Website: carolinagirlconfections.com

 Carolina Girl Confections

@UrCakeGodess  |

 @carolina_girl_confections

Entrepreneur Spotlight: Shanel Williams-Jackson Shanel Williams-Jackson, owner of Carolina Girl Confections, is as unapologetically bold in life as she is in every recipe.