#so i’ve never been able to get treatment for my disordered eating

[obessedwithfictionalmen]

Until you come back home pt.2

John Egan X Female! Reader

Summary: Y/n received a letter from Bucky, but it was enough to push her into madness...

Warning: Obsessive love disorder/ mental institution/ electric shock/ freezing bath/ 1940s asylum treatments/ use of Y/n/

Word count: 1.9k

When Harry Crosby came in her room with his letter, she couldn’t believe it. She was going crazy without him. Harry had to argue with the Colonel that she was still sane and still able to do her work, even though it was a lie. She snatched the envelope from his hands and quickly opened it. ‘’Told you he wasn’t dead, Croz, I was right’’ she said, smiling.

My darling Y/n,

I hope you’re doing well; I’ve read every single letter you sent to me. I miss you like crazy, say thank you to Crosby for me, I know he’s taking good care of you, and I’m grateful for it. I’m going crazy too, you know, I miss you so much. I miss everything about you, the conditions are awful here; we only eat potatoes and the other day, we have to kill a cat to eat its meat. It was disgusting, the mattress is so uncomfortable, my back hurts, and I can’t sleep well without you. On a good note, Buck is alive, and he’s here at this camp. That helps a little, but I’m still going crazy. I’m going to try and come back to you, in the meantime, I’ve sent you my necklace, it’s in the envelope, it’s not much but I hope it helps you. I think about you all the time, I’ve started to do the same thing as you, calling your name, until I come back home. I’m driving the guys crazy, but I don’t care. It keeps me sane. We have to keep hoping, I feel that we’re going to see each other again, and when we do, we’re going to get married, and we’re going to live together. I love you, my darling, so much it drives me crazy. Until I come back home; Y/n, Y/n, Y/n…

She hugged the letter before showing it to Crosby. Something in her eyes wasn’t right, something changed. The last bit of her sanity evaporated with the letter, she opened the envelope, taking the necklace and putting it around her neck. ‘’We’re going to get married, Croz’’ she giggled maniacally. ‘’Y/n are you okay?’’ he asked, very concerned with his best friend’s attitude. ‘’Bucky, Bucky, Bucky’’ she kept calling his name, over and over again. ‘’You’re scaring me! Are you okay?’’ he raised his voice. ‘’Never better, Croz’’ she smiled. It pained him, but he had to place her somewhere, she didn’t look okay, and frankly, Crosby was afraid that she would hurt herself, and others. So that night, he went to talk to Colonel Harding, and then, went to his desk, to write a letter.

When Bucky saw that the letter he got was not from Y/n, he was confused. When he saw that it was from Harry Crosby, he was worried. He quickly opened the envelope to see why his girlfriend wasn’t writing to him.

Hello Bucky,

Sorry for not being Y/n. I appreciate your kind words in her letters, I tried to look after her in the best way possible, but after your letter, she’s gone mad. And I don’t mean it lightly, I was afraid for her security, I thought she was going to hurt herself and others on the base. That’s why Colonel and I found it better to send her away, where she can get the help she needs. I wasn’t happy doing it, I felt really bad, but trust me, she needed it. The psychiatrist told me she has an obsessive love disorder. It is easy to cure, but it’s going to be hard. She will still be in love with you because I can tell she truly cares about you. The problem is she’s obsessed with you. She can’t live with the idea of you being dead or injured. She can have self-destructive behavior, so that’s why we decided to send her away. I visited her often. The first weeks were hard, but today marks the second month she’s been there, and I can tell she’s improving. I hope you’re okay, I’m going to try to keep you updated on her progress.

Harry Crosby

They put her into a mental institute. He couldn’t believe it, she wasn’t crazy, she was in love. Even if it made him angry, he understood why he did it. Bucky was just hoping that she was okay, and that they weren’t torturing her.

Electrical shock, that’s how they were ‘curing’ her, by electrocuting her. They also put her into an ice bath. But the doctor said she was getting better at first, she fought the guards, but by the time she did her fifth treatment, she grew tried of fighting them, so she stopped. Today was important for her, she was going to be evaluated by the psychiatrist and he was going to determine if she could get out of here, she needed to be on her best behavior. When guards came in her room, she was sat on her bed, ready to be escorted to his office. When she entered the room, she was nervous, her hands were shaking, and she felt like she was going to throw up. ‘’Hello Y/n, how are you today?’’ Dr. Phillips asked. She cleared her throat before speaking. ‘’Hi Dr. Phillips, I’m quite well, how are you?’’ she spoke nervously. He pressed his elbow in his desk, looking at his notes before responding. ‘’Good, thank you. So do you know why you’re here today?’’ she nodded and gulped. ‘’You’re going to tell me if I’m crazy or not’’ she whispered. Dr. Phillips laughed. ‘’Oh, Y/n, you’re not crazy, who told you that?’’ he laughed. He did, multiple times as he gave her shocks. ‘’Trevor did’’ she lied, Trevor was her only friend here, he was here because he could hear voices. Trevor claimed that he was blessed by the gods. ‘’Y/n, I’m the one that can say if you’re crazy or not, and from what I’m seeing in your file, you’re not crazy anymore’’ she shifted in her seat. She fixed her hair, looking at the ground. She couldn’t look at Dr. Phillips in the eyes, she was scared of him. ‘’Can I, uh, can I, g-g-get out?’’ she stuttered, whispering. She was afraid that he was going to give her an ice bath. ‘’Yes! That’s why I wanted to see you, I wanted to tell you the good news myself, your friend, Harry Crosby, is waiting for you in the lobby.’’ Dr. Phillips exclaimed.

His feet were bouncing on the ground, he couldn’t wait to see her. Harry Crosby got a call yesterday, saying that Y/n was going to be released. When the door opened, he saw her. She looked weak, fragile and tired, what the hell did they do to her. She was skinny, did they feed her? Her cheeks were hollow, and she had purple circles under her eyes. But when Y/n saw her best friend, she smiled, that was the first real smile she had in weeks. ‘’Crosby!’’ she exclaimed, walking towards him. ‘’Hey you! It’s so good to see you!’’ he exclaimed, trying not to show his concern in front of the doctor. ‘’She’s all good and ready to go home, take good care of her.’’ Dr. Phillips patted her back, but she flinched.

The second they were inside the Jeep, Harry drove far away from this place, he was going fast. ‘’Are you okay? What did they do to you?’’ he asked, concerned. Y/n turned to look at her friend. ‘’They cured me’’ she simply said. He sputtered. ‘’Do you still love him?’’ he asked, scared of her answer. ‘’I think so’’ her gaze was empty, it wasn’t normal, something was off.

Gale Cleven escaped, he managed to escape and now he was back on the base. He looked for Y/n, Bucky asked him to go check on her. He knew she had been in a mental institute, but when he saw her, getting out of Crosby’s Jeep, he felt sick. It wasn’t the Y/n he knew, who was this woman. She was walking towards him, smiling, but her eyes were numb. ‘’Gale! How are you?’’ she asked him, smiling. ‘’I’m good, Y/n, how are you, you look hungry’’ he stated, seeing how thin she was. ‘’I’m well, but I am hungry, can we go eat?’’ her tone was monotone, like a robot. It was like her brain was fried. ‘’I gotta go, please can you try to get information on what happened there’’ Harry whispered in Buck’s ear, he nodded as they both walked towards the cafeteria. Since it wasn’t the rush, the cafeteria wasn’t crowded.

She took a bite of the food and smiled. ‘’It’s good?’’ Buck asked. She nodded. ‘’Very, I only ate porridge and bread’’ she admitted, unknowingly. ‘’You look better, Y/n, what did they give you?’’ he asked, hiding his concerns. ‘’Stuff’’ she took another bite of her food. ‘’What kind of stuff?’’ he asked. She zoned out, she thought about the shocks and the freezing water on her skin, her eyes filled with tears. ‘’Baths and a painful treatment’’ she mumbled, but Gale understood every word.

When Bucky came back on the base, he couldn’t wait to see his girlfriend, but Harry Crosby stopped him. ‘’Bucky, wait, we have to tell you something’’ he grabbed his arm. ‘’What Cros?’’ he asked, annoyed that he couldn’t see his girl. He tilts his head to tell him to go into another room. The Colonel was leaning against the table, Gale was seated on a chair, Harry closed the door and offered Bucky a chair. ‘’Major, I would sit down if I were you’’ Colonel Harding ordered. Bucky was confused, what the hell was going on, where was his girlfriend. ‘’Where’s Y/n?’’ he asked. ‘’She’s in her room, but she’s different, Bucky. That place changed her’’ Buck started. ‘’How could they change her?’’ he chuckled nervously. ‘’I didn’t know what kind of treatment they were administering her, but she told Buck everything’’ Crosby started. Bucky looked at his friend, he had his head down. ‘’Electrical shock, ice baths, steam baths, they gave her shock, they almost fried her brain. They fed her porridge and bread; they wouldn’t let her sleep’’ he explained. John Egan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘’H-how’s that legal?’’ he exclaimed, nervously. ‘’But the problem is, the treatments worked, but we don’t know how she’ll react to you being there, Major’’ Harding explained.

Y/n was sitting on her bed, reading the letters she missed when she was away. She heard a knock, and she turned around. There he was Bucky was in front of her. She got up from the bed and smiled. ‘’You’re alive?’’ she choked up on emotions. ‘’I am, darling’’ he said, cautiously, not wanting to trigger anything. ‘’You’re real?’’ she asked. He nodded, she carefully walked up to him, she took his hand, she was making sure he was real. His hand was warm, and his skin was soft. Her eyes filled with happy tears as she looked at him. He gently put his hand on her cheek, wiping away the tear with his thumb. ‘’I love you so much’’ she breathed out, before hugging him. In his arms, every shock, every bath and every torture went away. He was back, she was hugging him, he was real. ‘’You came back home’’ she cried out. ‘’Told you I was coming back, darling’’ he softly whispered in her ear. ‘’Never leave me again.’’ She pleaded. ‘’Never, darling. Because I don’t wanna live forever if my life is not with you’’

[seeingteacupsindragons]

So I’ve been thinking a lot about mental health and mental illness lately (thanks, new psychiatrist) as I process a new diagnosis and what it means and reframing my image of myself, so I want to talk about some stuff.

So if you know all this already, just. Bear with me, okay, I’m processing a lot right now.

A lot of people on here get annoyed at advice to, like, go for a walk or do yoga or see sunlight or clean things up or meditate or whatever. And I get it, because I also get annoyed at people thinking that will solve my problems. I have had a boss try to get me to do a damn meditation app as if that would solve the work impact my mental illness was having, and it infuriated me.

But, that’s not because it doesn’t solve a problem. It just doesn’t solve the problem I have.

Meditation apps and all that other stuff are basically the mental health equivalent of eating a salad and jogging once a week. Someone who doesn’t do those things, even if they’re not otherwise sick, are not going to be very healthy and are going to feel kind of gross. It’s baseline health care.

But eating a salad isn’t going to cut it if you have a broken leg. You actually need medical care.

(Please go to a doctor if you have a broken leg. Thank you)

Now, if you get the mental health equivalent of a cold—something stressful is going on at work or with your friends, or a lot of small emergencies are popping up at once—you can probably still get by without a doctor. Increase the vegetables, get some soup, rest and sleep a lot. Do some extra mindfulness exercises, take a new yoga class, get a little TLC, clean your room. It will help you feel a lot better, and then the “illness/blip” will pass and you’ll be back to baseline in relatively short order, without needing to see a doctor.

But what if you have mental health bronchitis, or a broken leg? I would compare these to maybe some post-partum mental health issues, or grieving a death of someone, or a divorce, or something like that. You may actually need to see a doctor, get some care, see a therapist and get counseling, maybe briefly stop by on some antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds to help you recover. And then you’ll probably be mostly okay, with maybe some lingering issues and a good strong memory of that time you were Not Okay.

But you weren’t going to get okay without something a lot more than vegetables and cardio.

And then there’s the Chronic Mental Health issues, like many mood disorders or personality disorders, or PTSD/CPTSD, panic disorders, phobias…the lingering things that need serious help and you are very likely in fact to never full recover from, or even partially in some cases. These are where you get type one diabetes or Celiac’s or an amputation, or multiple sclerosis, or any of that. Stuff where you desperately need regular, often daily, medical care and management to stay healthy and functional.

And these ones are going to change your life even with medical care. A diabetic might need a medical device attached to them at all times, they are likely to need to check their blood sugar regularly, they’ll need to think about what they eat and how it will effect them, they’ll need to carry glucose tabs. They might have a medical ID bracelet! And sometimes mistakes might still happen and things go very badly. An amputee might have a prosthetic or might not, but either way it won’t do everything a biological appendage will, and they’ll have to adjust their lives to how to move and pick things up or whatever in a very different way to someone who has that body part. And someone with Celiac’s is just not going to be able to eat gluten. Not matter what medicine they take. It’s not going to happen.

And that’s the thing: even when you’re getting regular medical care and treatment, and you have a plan worked out and you’re used to it, if you have a mood disorder or PTSD or schizophrenia or something…you may very well never quite have a life that looks like someone who only needs yoga and meditation classes. You may always need other accommodations and lifestyle adjustments to function and manage.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. It means things are going to be so different for you that the people who manage with salad and a treadmill are just not going to be able to offer any useful advice to you. Your needs are way too different.

And then there’s getting into a car crash or catching meningitis. Sometimes, shit is just going to happen to people, and they are going to need to be hospitalized and watched very carefully for a while. I would probably categorize a lot of mental breakdowns, like the kinds that are at the onset of many mood or panic disorders, some levels of psychosis, sometimes the death of someone very dear to you—in fact, many of the things that might be broken legs to some might turn out here. Maybe someone else broken their leg with a nice clean fracture, but yours was a complicated shatter of a joint that started healing wrong and also got infected.

And the hospitalization isn’t going to be the end of your care, either. You’ll stay in the hospital until they can get you stable, until you don’t need medical professionals a button press away, until you can be assumed to recover the rest of the way on your own.

But, for people who know people who have come home from the hospital after a surgery or serious illness…it’s far from the end of the road, or even return to a new baseline. You’re going to need a lot of help and rest and recovery even after hospital discharge. Someone will probably have to watch you, might need to help you take your meds, might need to bring you food and drinks, or cook, or do chores.

And people who care should, maybe, understand, and send, “Get well soon,” and “Thinking of you” and flowers, and organize meal trains and otherwise show up for someone who is seriously ill.

Of course, a lot of that would be weird in the Chronic Illness space. But there, I think the understand would be, “Yeah, you know your friend can’t have gluten,” and “Why would you suggest they go for a hike with you when they’re in a wheelchair, you dick?” and “I made you low-sugar treats! I worked super hard on the recipe!” so people around you know that you have different needs and you care enough to accommodate them and make sure they are still cared for…differently.

I don’t think I’m going to edit this before posting.

But I’m thinking about it a lot, and I think I’m going from a place where I though I had a broken leg to realizing the leg was never actually going to heal without a limp, to realizing, in fact, that the leg didn’t break the way I thought it did and I need some physical therapy and a new doctor to get it working and see what happens then.

Maybe this was helpful to someone besides me. But it felt good to get it all into words!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I'm so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been fighting to have a healthy relationship with food and my body, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore. And it's so, so easy in comparison to restrict and obsess over tracking everything I eat

I'm dealing with symptoms of a currently unknown disability right now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of doctors saying "wow, I have no idea what's going on, I've never seen labs like this... but I'm sure losing weight will help!" (Or, worse, "looks like everything's fine, just lose some weight!") It's become this belief that if I was skinny my symptoms would be taken seriously. If I was skinny I'd be able to figure out what was going wrong because doctors wouldn't rely on my weight to explain everything. I know logically there are lots of disabled people who are still ignored while being skinny, who still struggle to be taken seriously, but I can't shake this feeling that everything would be easier if I was skinny

It feels like my life is in the hands of people who don't give a shit about me. And they still probably wouldn't give a shit if I was skinny, but maybe they would. I don't know, I've never been skinny, so I can imagine that everything would be perfect if I was

It's definitely at least partially a desire to have control over my body, too. I can't stop my symptoms, I don't have the tools to figure out what's wrong on my own, but I can starve myself! It seems very silly written out, and it is, but knowing it's silly isn't enough

I saw in your about that you've dealt with comorbid chronic illness and eating disorders, so I guess I'm asking... how? That's probably already on your blog somewhere, actually, so I guess I'm just venting more than anything. Advice would be appreciated, though

God, I feel this so hard, anon. So so hard.

First of all, I am so sorry I have taken so long to get to this ask. Work, ny studies, and my personal life have all been overwhelming lately and I’ve been having to focus on some wellness work for myself.

But yeah. What you’re talking about is a REAL problem, and you are not alone. And the constant medical neglect of fat people and the “I’m sure all your mystery symptoms will go away if you just lose weight” is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is chronic illness. It hurts peoples’ lives. It can kill. I don’t have a quick fix for this system, anon, but I just wanted to take a moment to validate you because I know that what you’re going through is so frustrating and draining and soul-sucking. I am mentally sending you strength.

First of all, I might have one suggestion for you: lie. Lie to your medical professionals about just one thing, and no other: tell them you are already on a weight-loss journey, even if you are not. If it gets you the help you need in this system - yeah, fib a little. But then, explain to your doctors that the reason you are seeking treatment for your symptoms so proactively is that they are preventing you from doing what you need to do to lose weight. Yes, of course you really want treatment to improve your basic quality of life, but when you’re talking to your doctor, sometimes you gotta frame it in a way they’ll hear. Explain how each symptom has made you unable to pursue an active lifestyle. Or how you’ve been too fatigued to meal prep, or how your symptoms are costing you so much that you are struggling to budget for dietary changes. You don’t have to actually be planning any of these things, but if it gets them to continue pursuing the source of your symptoms, just lie. I know it’s so triggering and awful to have to do this just to get taken seriously, so set aside time to prioritize something that you find self-caring after this.)

I know you say your desire to control your body seems silly written out, but it’s not silly at all. I get it. I really really do because I have the same impulse. When your body keeps acting out of your control in painful ways, it’ll make you desperate. And when you’ve had the message pushed your whole life that being skinny fixes everything, it tends to stick in your mind. You are not alone. You are desperate and being driven by a valid impulse.

Instead of pursuing an eating disorder, remind yourself that eating disorders only give you the illusion of control. Eating disorders only pave the way for the disorder to get more control over you. Not to mention, starving yourself will likely take even more of a toll on your health, doing lasting damage if you lose a significant amount of weight from starving. You are allowed to love yourself more than that. I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to keep fighting for yourself.

Are you in any chronic illness support groups, online or in person? If you aren’t, I suggest you find some. You may find a good outlet to vent about symptoms, get advice on what got doctors to take other people seriously, and learn more about your own symptoms.

While I don’t recommend starving yourself, you could try tracking your symptoms in relation to certain foods and see if specific food sensitivities worsened them (this was true for me.) For me personally, it helps to remind myself that these foods aren’t “bad” foods - they’re just not good FOR ME, and choosing the ones that make me feel better is a way of taking care of and loving my body. (If you find your symptoms do not change based on dietary experimentation, you can disregard this advice.) For me, it can be really triggering having to avoid certain foods, so I definitely have to take a pause to calm down and talk myself through it sometimes.

Things like meditation exercises, gentle yoga, de-stressing exercises and therapy will not cure your chronic health condition, but may help keep symptoms from spiking as badly because stress is known to exacerbate physical symptoms. (Easier said than done, I know - what you’re going through is stressful. I am not telling you not to feel stressed, just to try and create small pockets of time where you try to give yourself a break from stress, which may not come naturally and may be hard because you cannot go to a place of escaping your symptoms. Just keep trying patiently and be compassionate with yourself.)

Anon, I really really hope this gives you some sort of help and comfort, even though it’s not a cure-all and I did get to it so late. There’s more I could say based on knowing specific symptoms if you’re okay sharing them, but for now I’ll just leave it at this. Feel free to vent in my inbox any time.

[beazt]

I got an ad on YouTube the other day, and maybe if my circumstances were different I would’ve watched the whole ad so I could pinpoint more harmful parts about it. I skipped most of it.

but the part I did see said almost verbatim “constipation can make skinny women feel plus size.” but I think it may have used the phrase “stuck poop” instead of constipation. I can’t find any accessible version of the ad, so I’m hoping they fucking rethought it and pulled it.

some of my general thoughts, admittedly without poring over my wording for perfection and tone:

1) I generally do not give a fuck if a skinny person “feels fat” from constipation. 2) softening the blow using the word “plus size” isn’t the progressive look you think it is. 3) can we please for the love of everything fucking holy stop centering the skinniest women in conversations and experiences of fatness. 4) this may get my head blown off but constipation making you look a bit bloated =/= you look fat. if you think mild bloating is the same as looking fat I’m inclined to suspect you don’t look at fat people very much.

(these next 2 points get no further discussion in this iteration of the post because I am fucking tired, others can add discussion of these as well as any other points I’ve left out)

5) why is “looking fat” the most important factor making you want to relieve the constipation. 6) the marketing of this is definitely going to fuel disordered laxative abuse

more in depth discussion below

1) if you ever go into intensive eating disorder treatment like I have been, you will get exhausted of hearing the phrase “fat isn’t a feeling.” it’s often either A) a fear of fatness or B) disgust and/or shame about perceived fatness. both of these need to be worked on on an individual and cultural scale. I’m not saying there’s never a reason to fear it— but I rarely ever see anyone skinny’s fears align with the most harmful results of fatphobia— medical negligence, inaccessibility, “fat tax” where necessary items don’t exist or are much more expensive, etc. And i’m not going to put the qualifier of “maybe they just don’t talk about that part” because when I was in my 7 months of intensive ED treatment, none of the providers in the facilities knew how to handle those fears and trauma that caused my ED as a way to escape them— some of them hadn’t even realized those were widespread issues.

and yes, the more prominent fears and shame surrounding fatness are often based in reality of how fat people are treated, and indicate major societal and internalized fatphobia. but the internalized parts can be worked on, and the societal parts can be worked on at an individual scale, and way too many people will fight tooth and nail to be able to further demonize fat people rather than address those biases or get involved with fat liberation. and that makes fat liberation a lot more difficult and directly contributed to the harm towards those of us who are already fat. thus, I do not have much sympathy on a population-scale for skinny folks who express they “feel fat.”

2) I despise the phrase “plus size” because no one ever advertises “straight size” clothing by that name or calls themselves “straight size” outside of specific clothing contexts where “plus size” is already involved. using that phrase here absolutely reinforces the idea that skinny=normal/default and fat=abnormal/anomaly while simultaneously reducing us to an ambiguous, impersonal, mass-marketable clothing size range. not to mention that “plus size” can mean anything including “you aren’t wafer thin and 5’0.” it’s performative and pretty antithetical to reducing fatphobia in this usage if you ask me, I highly highly doubt they were including any sort of reclamation of the term “plus size” here since they’re painting it as an undesirable trait

3) this is slowly changing I think but nearly every conversation about fatphobia that isn’t started by fat folks either starts as “but it’s so harmful when skinny people get seen as fat even if it’s just body dysmorphia :(“ or frequently the rest get derailed into “it’s hard to be skinny too!!” and/or the above sentiment. I’m tired of that. there are conversations you can be included in but why don’t you amplify voices of folks well above your size and those with intersecting marginalizations ever, instead of making every single conversation about you?

4) just clarifying here but if you’re constipated enough to change your size significantly enough for you to be considered fat and this is frequent/consistent enough to affect your daily life… you probably want to get that checked out if you can. your intestines will thank you. if there’s no easy solution to help your gut, really think about how you can join in with us who are already fighting for fat liberation. reflect on why you think this is a unique experience that others you from the “actual fat people” that you are assuming are fat for the “wrong reasons” and why you are desperate to consider yourself not fat. everyone else who is complaining about some moderate temporary bloating making them feel fat idk what else to say to you.

and of course a lot of this ties into ableism and racism and misogyny, like much of fatphobia does, I want to acknowledge and emphasize that none of this is in a vacuum, but I’m just too tired to make this post any longer at the moment to dissect the interplay of those topics… you see where I’m going. it’d take me a chapter of a book to analyze everything I want to about this commercial and I simply am not in good enough physical or mental shape to do that right now. so im just throwing out what I can spout off the top of my head. it’s just a blog post from some rando, set your expectations.

[legit9thlunaticwarrior]

i wanted to talk a little bit about mental health and how i’m doing recently

trigger warning: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, borderline imposter syndrome, disordered eating/thoughts

for a while now, i’ve been pretty low with a few days here and there where i’m genuinely happy. may and june were so rough in every way and august is seeming to turn the same direction.

i also have lost a lot of my passion for cosmetology. i hate this school and it’s slowly making me hate what once was comforting to me. my director legit doesn’t care, there so much unnecessary fucking drama, and i’m not having fun anymore. i never get to show my skills. i’m like a robot: haircut, root touch up, wash and blow, deep conditioning treatment, haircut, root touch up, wash and blow, deep conditioning treatment. same thing, over and over and over again. i’m good at what i do but i hate doing it now. it’s not just me, all of my friends are sick of it too. the only time we get to have fun is when we (rarely) get to work on each other.

i’ve been having a lot of silent panic and anxiety attacks lately and i can’t find the trigger.

my weight has been getting brought up a lot since i returned to normal life after being sick for a month. the weight i lost was not lost in a healthy way. i had become terrified of food and was rarely eating. when i was eating, it was bland foods. my weight and body image have been an issue of mine for almost 10 years. and that’s absurd and upsetting considering i’m turning 20. i don’t like being scared of food and restricting myself so much that i’m not enjoying anything anymore. i want to be able to go to shake shack with my lunch bunch and not worry about repercussions; i refuse to do that to myself again.

acting like i’m okay and forgetting things as a coping mechanism works until you’re crying uncontrollably at 2am and you can’t figure out what’s wrong. you’re just crying because you feel so full and heavy of emotions that you can’t verbalize to anyone without breaking down and fucking up your words. i know that when i’m stressed or anxious, something will hurt physically. my teeth and head have been hurting constantly for almost a week.

it’s like i’ll have the greatest high, the best fucking day ever; but then it comes crashing down so fast you can’t even recognize it’s happening, until you’re left in the rubble of it all.

that’s all i want to say for now. i just want to say thank you to all of you that follow me and show me support and love and kindness. i feel i don’t express that enough. i truly appreciate all of you dolls

[growandrecover]

I really want to recover because I feel like my ed is taking over my life, but I’m not even diagnosed and I’ve told very few people about it. I’m still in high school and recovery feels so impossible. How do I even start?

hey, anon.

You don't have to be diagnosed to recover. I wasn't formally diagnosed, but when I started telling the people who worked at my treatment that I had anorexia, they agreed. Idk what that means for me, but technically I wasn't either, so you're not alone. I was in high school as well when I started recovery, my sophomore year, in fact. I totally understand how it feels. It's mind-bogglingly overwhelming, isn't it?

But you're here, asking me for advice, which is already a huge step! That shows that you want to get better and you understand that your ed is all consuming, which I definitely didn't when I started recovery, so that's incredible. I'm really proud of you.

I know that starting off in recovery seems like it'll take forever, especially when you see people who've been in recovery for years. Trust me, it goes by faster than you think.

If you haven't told your parents/guardian, I'd recommend that be your first step. I know that telling them is probably the hardest "confession" you'll have to make (other than the one to yourself), but it's for your recovery, and hopefully they'll be able to help you.

You can skip this part if you've already told them, but let me brace you: they may have a wildly different reaction than you'd ever expect. My mom, one of the most loving people on the planet (in my opinion), reacted in anger, which I totally didn't see coming. Now I know (because she's told me) that she was angry because I'd been lying to her about my ed, and she was angry that I could do that to myself. My dad, on the other hand, reacted softly, and he was very gentle, which I could have never predicted.

If they're able to help, I recommend going to therapy or trying to get into treatment if you can. If you're able, just a heads up: the sign up process is long. There wasn't a waiting list for mine, but it's just an arduous process in general, so it was a few months before I was actually able to go.

If you're unable to go to treatment or therapy, that's okay. You can still recover. I know some people think they can't recover if they don't go to treatment or therapy, but that's not true. Those things are helpful, but not 100% necessary *in some cases.

I'd recommend that you join groups if you have some in your area, or if you can find some online. We don't have any where I live, but you should look into it. Hearing other people talk about their experiences with eds is a powerful thing in recovery. Especially if you have something else in common. For example, in my treatment group, we were all girls, all about the same age, which was helpful, because we could all relate to each other at least on some level.

If you can't do that, I'd advise that you try to educate yourself about the recovery process so you have some kind of idea on what to do in order to get the most out of it. My therapist told me I should get this book, and if you can, you might want to as well. It's called The 8 Keys to Eating Disorder Recovery by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. There's interactive parts and a list of stages so you can go to the chapter you're in. If you're not a reader (then I'm sorry for making this post so long), YouTube has all kinds of helpful videos, like what to expect in recovery based on the ed you have, Kati Morton, who's a licensed therapist, makes great videos about eds, and if I'm not mistaken, I believe she's had one as well. Seeing people in recovery or just starting out helped me a lot. It kept me inspired, and made it seem less daunting.

If you're a TikTok person, there's plenty of videos about recovery, what people are eating, and how they're overcoming certain challenges they put in place for themselves. (I don't have TikTok so I unfortunately can't recommend certain people, but I did see some of their videos in a YouTube compilation lol)

If you're recovering on your own, I'd say that you should try to challenge harmful behaviors you've created (bingeing, counting, measuring, over-exercising, purging, etc). Of course start small, as discontinuation of any of those things will be scary, but you can do it.

I really hope this was helpful to you, and I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery journey. You're doing so well, and I'm so happy for you, love.

If I didn't answer the question fully, or you want to talk, please feel free to submit another ask or send me a message.

Lots of love ♡

[virginmiri99]

i have an anxiety disorder that is so severe i used to have daily panic attacks that would last for hours and you’re absolutely right.

it sucks, having any kind of mental illness sucks, and treatment for it also sucks. but with a lot of mental illnesses, a big part of that treatment is exposure therapy. i also have ocd and the therapy i went through to improve that was literal hell on earth that made my life miserable for weeks at a time. but now it’s been years and i’m finally able to eat food that other people have prepared and i don’t want to cry when i see multiples of 8. it’s the same with anxiety, i’m able to work an actual job, leave my house by myself, make eye contact with strangers, and participate in my hobbies. it’s a long and exhausting process and i’ve gone through things that have set back my progress by years, but unless you push yourself you’ll never be able to improve.

yeahhh ocd gang this is it. like when I say trying to get past the hurdle of anxiety is on par with a saw trap im not joking. but unlike a saw trap your life isnt truly at stake, your freedom and happiness is. u get it and it makes me sad to see so many people let themselves be ruled by unhappiness and hate and letting each day slip by in negativity...

[erin-bo-berin]

hey I love ur writing sm!! But i was wondering if you could make a Steve x Reader based on the reader having some sort of eating disorder and Steve just try to help as much as possible even though he doesn't know much about it (I’m really in a shitty mood rn since I’m trying my best to recover from my ED and idk if this could be a way to cope but yeah.) if it’s okay with you!!

Thank you! And I would love to write this. I’ll try to make it a bit vaguer since I don’t want it to be too triggering for you or anyone else. It will also be from Steve’s point of view if that’s okay ☺️

Also, my love and thoughts are with you. I’ve never personally dealt with it, but I do have mental health issues I struggle greatly with. I know that’s not the exact same thing, but I know it’s a hard uphill journey.

That being said, I believe in you, anon. You’ve got this. Don’t let those demons win because you’re stronger than you think. I love you, you can DO this ❤️

One Day At A Time

Steve Harrington x Reader

Warnings: Mentions and descriptions of reader suffering from an eating disorder

(If you find you aren’t in the right head space to read this, please if you need to, save it and come back to it when you’re in a better place. I promise I won’t be mad ❤️)

Steve spent an entire weekend at the library doing research.

He wasn’t too familiar with eating disorders, though he’d heard about them. He still felt like shit that he hadn’t even noticed anything wrong with you. He’d been your boyfriend of more than a year and he’d hadn’t noticed anything unusual. What kind of boyfriend did that make him?

Turns out, people learn to hide it well.

You had from him.

It was only until you’d started looking too thin, your clothes hanging off of you that he’d started to worry. The once lively spark in your eyes, the happiness that you always radiated had vanished from your eyes.

He’d had no idea just how hard you were fighting unseen demons.

After the diagnosis, your parents had sent you to treatment and he hadn’t seen you for a month. It was a short stint, peppered with phone calls to each other as he wasn’t allowed to visit. You and he were reuniting today and he’d spent time trying to figure out how to help you.

Obviously, he wasn’t trying to heal you himself, but he wanted to be as supportive as possible. After all, he hurt too seeing you in such pain.

He knew it was going to take time, it was going to be difficult, but he believed in you with his whole heart. But, he was determined that you weren’t going to go through this, alone.

•

The moment you stepped into his arms when you first arrived, he wrapped you in his arms, holding on to you tightly.

Maybe if he kept you safe in his arms, the bad thoughts wouldn’t be able to get to you. How he wished it worked like that.

You looked better, more at peace. You didn’t look tired, beaten down and worn like you had just a month ago. There was color in your cheeks and a small, happy smile one your face.

“I missed you,” you murmured into his chest.

He ran his hand over the back of your head, cradling it, kissing the top of your head. His hand slid down to the back of your neck and he pulled away enough to look down at you.

“I missed you too, Y/N.”

He leaned in to kiss you gently and you returned the gesture, pulling away after a moment, your smile a bit brighter.

He’d offered for you to stay with him for the first little while—if you were comfortable doing so. You’d readily agreed, nervous to be alone in your place. It wasn’t a big deal anyways since you spent most of your time at his place anyway. In actuality, he just wanted you to be close. Not to smother you or watch you like a hawk. He just wanted to be there for you, even in your darkest moments. That’s why he voiced his next thought out loud, just to remind you.

“You don’t have to do this alone.”

•

“I’m not hungry,” you’d said quietly, avoiding his gaze.

He’d fixed dinner for the both of you, something that was completely healthy and even smelled so good, he was looking forward to it. He’d managed to whip up some lemon pepper chicken, stir fried broccoli and rosemary garlic potatoes.

Nancy would be proud. For all her tough exterior, the girl knew how to cook and she’d helped him in the month you’d been gone.

He had learned that that was just a diversion tactic of your illness, so he didn’t push. He sat the two plates he was holding down on the coffee table in front of you two and sat down next to you.

He wouldn’t push it. He knew better than to be hard on you.

“That’s okay,” he said, “Is it a bad day?”

He’d read enough to know, like with anything, you were going to have your good days and your bad days. You may be on the road to recovery, but recovery wasn’t linear.

You nodded a bit.

“Yeah. It’s been hard today, knowing I was coming home.”

He didn’t talk about the food, didn’t scold you. He just took your hands in his and looked at you, genuinely wanting to know.

“What’s been scaring you about it?”

You let out a deep sigh and his heart clenched. Such a heavy sigh shouldn’t be coming from your beautiful self. He just wanted to wrap you in his arms and never let go.

“I’m afraid I’ll relapse. They said it’s possible at the center,” you said.

“Yes, it is. But you’ll get through that too, I know it. It’s a normal part of recovery,” he said.

You looked at him quizzically, almost amused.

“You almost sound like my new therapist.”

He blushed, looking sheepish.

“Sorry. I spent the entire weekend at the library learning all I could to help you, baby.”

Your look of bewilderment turned to one of awe, a slow smile spreading on your face.

“You did that? For me?”

“Of course I did. I want to be supportive and help you. If you’re having a bad day, I want you to be able to talk to me about it, to lean on me. If you’re having a good day, I want to still hear about it and celebrate that good day. I meant it when I told you that you don’t have to go through this alone.”

You stayed silent for a moment, pulling your hands out of his. You cupped his face in your hands, bringing him down for a kiss, your emotions swirling at how hard he’d prepared to help you, just to be there for you.

Steve watched without a word as you reached for your plate, picking up a piece of the chicken with your fork, bringing it to your mouth.

He tried not to be insulted when you looked at him with widened eyes, shock clear on your face.

“This is amazing, Steve. When did you learn to cook?”

“Nancy taught me,” he shrugged, nonchalantly, “And I’m not that bad of a cook!”

“Babe, you’re usually a pro at burning toast,” you leveled him with a look.

He huffed, pretending to be insulted, but he couldn’t help the grin and laugh that came from him. You were so distracted, you ended up eating a bit more.

“I’m so proud of you,” he smiled, putting his arm around you, pulling you into his side.

“Thank you,” you whispered, “For doing all of this for me.”

“Of course,” he paused, rubbing your arm, “You know what we’re going to do?”

“What’s that?” you asked.

“We’re going to take it one day at a time.”

[loungelaughlove]

I posted 50 times in 2021

26 posts created (52%)

24 posts reblogged (48%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.9 posts.

I added 91 tags in 2021

#adhd - 13 posts

#loungelaughlove - 11 posts

#self care - 10 posts

#good habits - 10 posts

#adhd inattentive - 9 posts

#mental wellness - 9 posts

#adult adhd - 8 posts

#adhd post - 7 posts

#adhd women - 7 posts

#neurodivergent - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 97 characters

#side note i forgot to eat i've been working on my laptop 3 hours straight on two spoons of yogurt

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

What ADHD is Not..

ADHD. Attention Hyperactivity Deficit Disorder.

Being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult woman in the past year has taught me a lot about what I thought I knew about ADHD. Before I was diagnosed I’ve only ever know ADHD as something that children have/had. ADHD was the little boy more times out of not the little white boy that was bouncing off the walls and tearing down the classroom and terrorizing their classmates and teachers. I think most of us are acquainted with this being “poster child” of ADHD.

But what about those who don’t match that ? The ones that slip under the radar?

Little girls, Women, POC (people of color) who were either brushed off as being “bad”, mischievous, a trouble maker, a day dreamer, or full of potential if they only applied themselves.

Funny enough as a child I was considered extremely accident prone or “bad” because I was always getting myself into some sort of trouble or getting hurt. A few bumps, cuts, knocking myself unconscious and a round of stitches later with a sprinkle of being annoying to my peers eventually some how it “balanced” out and ya girl just started internalizing it all. I began masking in way to not step on any toes or bother anyone. Did it work? Yes. But at the cost of giving up being myself fully and completely and over analyzing so I don’t bother anyone. This would cause me to be anxious and on edge my entire school career and beyond. [Side note.. soo not worth it.]

So here’s a few things I learned what ADHD is not thus far..

*********************************************************************11) An Excuse

It’s not an excuse for our mishaps but more so of an explanation. Learning that I had ADHD and getting treated for it lifted the wool from my eyes I didn’t even know was there. All the potential my teachers said I had but I just didn’t apply myself, my struggles in school and barely just making it but never exceeding or excelling unless it was something of interest. (I.E while learning Mandarin in high school, I taught myself German up to intermediate level because it was more interesting for me. Luckily I managed to pass Mandarin by doing all my homework, participating, being a good student and thx to my mom)

Neurotypical individuals maybe able to do tasks with fewer cognitive obstacles but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the ability to do those tasks as well. Having ADHD is not death sentence nor does it mean that we are incapable of thriving. We have to find the best methods that work for us and our brains so we can excel and live the best life for us. At this point on treatment I’ve have been able to do tasks I would normally struggle with and so far I’ve been able to complete a few things too (finishing a online course to completion 1 out of 7 and starting course 2). While its not perfect, it’s a work in progress finding out what works for brain to do things. So find out what works for your brain and experiment, play around and see what brings you the best results.

2) Being outwardly hyperactive all the time (especially as an adult)

When I tell you it was always something with me, I mean it. As a kid I ended up getting stitches on Christmas vacation in Jamaica from just jumping around around the house, no rhyme or reason, my foot went through a glass table. I fell down the stairs and knocked myself out because I wanted to push the laundry cart down the stairs. Busted my lip running around in the hair salon and my ass in the fish market. Inhaled an inanimate object.. (Its long story but I need to get my chest checked one day lmao)

After the physical stuff “balanced” itself out it became annoyances. I’ve lost friends or found it difficult to make friends due to my “personality”. I was quite clingy and on top of my friends to play and eventually as you get older its not cool to bounce off the walls. I’ve been called annoying on numerous occasions, had “friends” hide from me because they didn’t want me to bother them, or made fun of for being “extra” or “animated”. I just thought it was kids being mean and it being a normal part of childhood.

As an adult now that outward energy is significantly less but I think it’s because I’ve had such negative reactions to my behaviors so I learned to internalize that energy. Unfortunately I never released it healthily so it just manifested itself as ongoing anxiety and overthinking and fidgeting. I'm still trying to figure out how to maintain that when it does happen. Luckily (thankfully) my moods have been more balanced.

3) It Doesn’t Mean You Don't Care

As a kid and even now I’ve been a day dreamer. Like vivid. In school I day dreamed it was raining pop corn shrimp and I swear I could taste it lmao. I would always get called out for being a space cadet or day dreaming or my teacher telling me to comeback to earth.

I remember the first thought I got lost in and potentially my first existential crisis at 8 y.o. It was a thought about people, and how every person was an individual, living their own individual lives, with their own issues, events, and jobs, all doing different things Than what I was doing right now. All this while staring out the window before my teacher called my attention back. Sometimes I would get easily distracted with my own items that would get confiscated because I was focusing on it more than the teacher (books, journals). I just figured I had an overactive imagination or was a deep thinker that liked to get lost in thought.

As an adult day dreaming and lack of focus gets less of a pass than you would get as a child. As an adult you have no choice but to pay attention to things or otherwise it comes across as you not caring. This doesn’t fair so well when it comes to relationships intimate, work, and friendly.

I still get distracted today but less now that I am on medication. Life before medication I would zone out quite a bit and stay in my head. If I wasn’t thinking about some unrealistic scenario, I had moments of blankness. During conversations, If I didn’t overtake the conversation talking endlessly I would be in my head while they were talking thinking of what to say to what they were sharing. At work my peers and boss felt I wasn’t present with the work responsibilities they always felt they had to guide and tell me what needed to be done which was true. I was always focused on one aspect of the job and not the whole picture. While I haven’t tried working while on treatment I notice a change now in my conversations with people. In my conversations I could now actually be apart of the conversation, this has the been the first time that I have been able to have conversation and actually listen and take in the information. I have been able to experience what it feels like to be an active participant in a conversation and not an outsider waiting and calculating what needs to be said next.

I’m still learning about more things that ADHD is not and I look forward to sharing more of these discoveries with you as I experience them through my eyes and being. Is there anything that you learned about ADHD that you didn’t expect in relation to your life right now? I’d love to hear from you ladies !

49 notes • Posted 2021-11-18 06:16:24 GMT

#4

Friendly Reminder Ladies!

*****************************************************

This is just a friendly but important reminder. Did you remember to take your medication today ? With ADHD we can be forgetful at times. Sometimes more often than we'd like even after being on treatment for a while. It's okay! It happens to best of us! There isn't anything wrong with a gentle reminder to make sure you do so!

Have a wonderful day guys!! <3

84 notes • Posted 2021-11-03 17:46:26 GMT

#3

Hi Ladies!

I made another visual post on different ways to increase your dopamine levels. I've tried all them and I'm still using these methods for a boost when I feel low on dopamine and can't bring myself to focus or adjust my mood. Here's some quick facts about dopamine I learned and I hope this information is helpful and helps you!

*******

Dopamine is one of the neurotransmitters in your brain that helps you feel motivated, focused and regulates mood and movement.

Dopamine is considered a "feel good hormone" because it's released when we do things we enjoy or that make us feel good.

Dopamine can come from exercising, listening to your favorite music, orgasms, medication therapy, playing video games or pretty much whatever brings you joy.

*******

How Do These Methods Increase Dopamine ?

Exercise (Yoga, Dancing,Working Out)

Exercise can encourage the production of dopamine, norepinephrine(a neurotransmitter that also plays a role in ADHD if the levels are off, I'll learn what I can about it and share more as it seems to not get as much attention as dopamine) and serotonin.

Medication Therapy

While not all of us opt to take the medication route it can work wonders if the dose is right and proper management. Medications fall into two categories when it comes to treating ADHD. Stimulants and Non-Stimulants. The purpose of the medications are to help your brain build the appropriate levels of dopamine and norepinephrine so you can function and cut down on any disruptive symptoms that are caused by ADHD. It's important to know not all medications are created equal so it's important you discuss with your doctor how each ones differ so you can find the best option for you!

Self love

I discussed this in my previous post about orgasms helping with sleep but here it comes again! No pun intended lol. Orgasms as we know are beneficial in many ways it's also helpful for dopamine boost. Since orgasms in simpler words cause a pleasurable outcome (as it should be) your brain literally floods with dopamine during this period. Which will cause you feel good, feel joy and be ready go. If you take a break to rub one out to get back in the zone it's all good.

Music

There's not much to say here. If you listen to something you enjoy it's gonna make you feel great, motivated even! If you find you're having a hard time focusing pop on some of your favorite tunes and give it a try. If you can't listen while you work, clean etc. listen for a bit before move around a bit and try to get into work or your task. Try it out

Getting Enough Sleep

As I learn more I may change this as the results seem mixed. Speaking from my own experience when I get enough sleep 8hrs to 9hrs I find that I wake up in a better mood and more of an ability to do start my day. The only challenging part is making sure I get enough sleep to do so. That's a work in progress. But give it try and lemme know if getting enough sleep helps you.

99 notes • Posted 2021-10-28 05:14:17 GMT

#2

Friendly Reminder Ladies!!

*******************************

Did you eat yet? If not this is your queue to do so! Sometimes our ADHD medications can curb our appetite thus making us forget to eat. While for some people the curbing of appetite can be a positive for weight control it's never a good thing to not eat anything or barely anything all day.

So please take a break. Step away and have a snack, make a sandwich or have some fruit. Whatever it is just please eat. You need to fuel your body if you want to be able to function <3

Sending Love! Enjoy your meal <3

167 notes • Posted 2021-10-28 18:42:49 GMT

#1

What ADHD Is Not (A Bite Sized Visual and Explanation)

********************************************

Hi Ladies! Here is a visual post and bite sized explanation on What ADHD is Not based on my previous post here.Feel free to check it out if you'd' like a longer read and enjoy this smaller more condense version for your viewing pleasure.

*************************************************

1.) ADHD Is Not An Excuse

I've learned that ADHD is an explanation, and we are not our diagnosis. Yes, each case is unique some have it more serevely and some less and that's okay. As long as you're doing your best and no else's best everyday to push towards the life you want that's all that matters. Regardless of where we are on the spectrum we can still accomplish the same things a neuro typical can and sometimes even better. It may take us a little bit longer or a lot bit longer due to the obstacles our symptoms can cause but it's not impossible. We just need to find and develop a system that works for our brains and our brains only! Not what he did or what she did or what they did. It's all about what to do and seeing what works for us. Then we can start to see progress in the direction we want it.

2.) ADHD Is Not Being Overly Hyperactive

This one right here! Lately I've been surrounding myself with other adults that have ADHD experiencing them and taking it in. No one was bouncing off the walls, every individual was different. I've learned the Hyper activeness of ADHD tends to "dial down" as we get older. By "dial down" I mean masking or other habits that can act as an outlet for that energy. A lot of the people I've met were outwardly calm or very outgoing, with a few that were scattered that talked non-stop or out of turn and a few like myself who are more quiet but fidgety. The hyperactiveness tones down mostly due to societal constraints and it not being okay to act "childish" or "do the most" as an adult so we're forced to conform and hide it to the best of our ability to fit in. So if you aren't overly hyperactive it's okay it doesn't make you more or less of an adhder, remember we're all different and symptoms present differently for everyone.

3.) ADHD Doesn't Mean You Don't Care

We care! Just about alot of things sometimes at the same time and we lose track it happens. As an adult it's more frowned upon to be "air headed" "a daydreamer" or just not present. Sometimes our inattention or lack focus can present itself as us not caring about the things going on in our lives, our friends, partners, work, intimate relationship and that's not the truth. Having ADHD impairs our focus and ability to be present. It's a hard thing to deal with it and we do care it's kinda like our bandwidth isn't large enough to pay attention. The brain is constantly craving dopamine and instant rewards and alot of the time the regular everyday responsibilities in life just doesn't cut it. Especially if it's mundane and repetitive, i.e) basic everyday chores, bill management, work responsibilities, home management, etc. While this is true referring back to #1 it's inexcusable just because we have ADHD doesn't mean we are exempt from doing what we have to do to live. We still have responsibilities so it's our job to make sure we create a system to be able to stay on top of these things. It won't be perfect. We'll make mistakes but done (close to it as you can) is better than perfect. Whether you create it yourself, with a coach, medically as long as you're doing what works for you that's all that matters.

What are some things you learned about adhd that's not what you expected or what you've been told? I'd love to hear more from you guys <3

See the full post

204 notes • Posted 2021-12-09 05:30:36 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[chumpmagump]

24 things you've learned about your 24th year on this planet. 1. After having lots of trouble with love and loss, I've learned I will be ok. Remember you are growing into the woman you are are piece by piece.. reclaiming the person you were before the rest of them thought it was okay to take you away from yourself and you thought it was okay to let them. Many will come and go, but you dont have to lose a piece of yourself with them. Be strong, don't let them. 2. It is okay to love someone but not like them. It is okay to have compassion and empathy yet still hold your ground that you deserve better treatment. Compassion is not synonymous with lack of boundaries. 3. After talking to your therapist and doing some hardcore reflection you know you show traits of bipolar disorder or borderline personality. Your therapist thinks its bipolar, you're pretty sure its BPD.. this hurts because BPD is stigmatised to the shit house - you would almost rather have bipolar. You work in a hospital where BPD presentations are rampant and you diagnose them in your assessments a lot. Your coworkers like to say things like '' we got another borderline up in ED...'' as if its a massive inconvenience. You feel kind of weird being a 'quiet' borderline because you function quite well but know you have this fucked up secret that you keep from others for fear of judgement. Your behaviour isnt affecting your functioning enough to warrant a diagnosis. But that doesnt mean your experience isnt true. You're good at recognising when your triggered and where it originates from, and actively pull back more and more from impulsive decisions. You can sit with your emotion at times and you've stopped abusing phenergan and have been self harm clean for almost a year now? so yay for you regulating more of yourself! 4. You realise searching for validation only leads to experiences of invalidation. Stop doing it. 5. You're good at empathising to a point where you find it hard to be angry at others for long, you sometimes tolerate too much because you can reason with the persons reasoning for acting the way they are. You shouldnt mistake this for respect, because its not. You still need self-respect. 6. Making spontaneous choices has led to some new experiences, like changing jobs, moving towns, meeting new people. You've learned you've missed out a lot in your last 5 years of 20 hood because of fear of rejection/anxiety/ unsafe situation phobia. but now thats all you want to do, you fear staying static for too long more than you do change. You're ready for new exciting things. 7. Friendships matter way more than romance ever will. Build your friendships and you will always feel connected and OK no matter what the status of your dating life is. 8. Going for solitude car trips with your music blaring, singing meaningfully, on a road in the dark to no particular, with no particular deadline is your muse. You spend a lot of time in your thoughts and with yourself, and sometimes you imagine being in company when the loneliness hits. But funnily enough when company does finally arrive, you yearn for the space you had with yourself. Honour that time. 9. What you make of this life literally doesnt fucking matter. You will be born again. You will never get another chance to be in this body, with this family, with these friends, in this place, at this time though. Do whatever you can to enrich your experience and dont worry about if other people are having a better time. Concern yourself with your own experience. 10. You validate yourself. Stop asking your friends what you think you should do about a situation, dont feel the need to tell them every situaiton thats going on with you to hear their perspective. Listen to your own voice. You dont listen to her enough. 11. You dont actually have to put up with people being rude to you anymore, you can voice that things bother you. You're not quite there when it comes to friends you dont know too well.. or family you know blow up easily, but you're less of a people pleaser somewhat and i'm proud

of you for that effort.

12. You realise you need to stop seeking validation that others have hurt you. If it hurts it hurts. Simple as that. 13. Trust a person by their actions waaaaaaaaaaaay more than their words. And give a person 6 months. They tend to send their representative first for a while. 14. Sometimes you dream up people without knowing first who they are. Its ok to do this but don't be surprised when they dont fit the version you had of them in your head. Sometimes living in fantasy is far more intoxicating than what comes to fruition. Sometimes i wish i only knew some people for the period of time where they were warm to my heart.

15. Keep going to therapy, its doing amazing things and slowly but surely helping you change your procedurally learned patterns of behaviour including the desire and panic to want to fix social relationships that sometimes shouldnt be fixed. If someone did something shitty to you, and they are upset with YOU , for whatever reason- this does not mean what they did to you is void. It may even mean they are deflecting and gaslighting you. Get out of there and you know dont like goodbyes of any kind. so in this case slowly drop off contact. 16. people cant read your mind with how your feeling, so tell them.. what they do with that information is on them after that.

17. you dont have to take pictures of everything. You will remember the experience more if you dont. 18. Drink your damn coffee!! its not going to stain your teeth anymore. you are so diligent with your skin and teeth care, you deserve to live a little.

19. Dont have sex with friends, just dont. its messy.

20. Just because someone doesnt choose you, doesnt mean you arent good enough. It means they're blind, theyre not meant for you, or better doors are opening. Sometimes you need to shut a few doors for some to open. Trust the process. 21. Its time to start doing the things yu have said you were going to do for years. Its time to sign up for that dance class, its time to start writing again (and you have been!), its time to start stretching (and you have been!), its time to finish your courses (and you have been chipping away!). The best thing is you are so motivated right now to do all of these things. They no longer feel like words, they feel like happenings. 22. Your body and mind is so much stronger than you think. You are managing a 23 + caseload, and working across emergency and intake. You sometimes dont have a lunch break and work 9 hour days at times. You still have the ability to relay information and type notes at great speed, connect with clients at a great depth and come to eat, shower and have been dedicating time to study and friends. Your body is a machine, and you are so much more robust than you give yourself credit for. People look at you and see a small petite typical white girl, but you are strength! 23. You have learned sex can be a safe and very enjoyable experience this year very recently. Even though the partner turned out to be a careless character emotionally within the friendship, you were able to experience what it was like to be that connected with someone sensually in such an intense way which was a first for you. Now you know what kind of sex you like - well you always did but now you know it exists. Good for you.

24. You spend the most time by yourself with yourself. Validate your own experiences and try to interrupt the fantasy that you should be waiting for someone else to enhance or witness it. i know you like to think about what it would be like to sing in the car with someone next to you, or to laugh about a ridiculous vine and hear someone elses laughter drown out your own, or to dance around your house and have someone watch you in awe... but its okay to be your own witness. This is one is probably the hardest ones of them all... All you've ever wanted is to feel seen. You fantasize about it all time, you live in fantasy because atleast you can always feel seen there. You're not so sure if you put yourself out there you'll leave feeling more discarded and invisible than before. This way its safer. It's time to witness you. It's time for 25. A year full of spontaneity, new experiences, enhanced friendships, self validation and enormous growth.

It's finally time to stop hiding from people, pleasurable experiences and desire.

It's time for 25.

[skinjapinja]

TW: pure faxx about how eating disorders suck ass don’t read if you’re having a good day I don’t want to ruin it

i dont understand how people on here expect me or anyone else for that matter to take my disorder seriously when I will literally not be able to get help until I lose a drastic amount of weight/become underweight. like bruh when I opened up to my therapist she said that I was “on the brink of anorexia” only because I was at a healthy weight and told my mom not to worry because everything will be fine. Not like i previously told her that I’ve been struggling with purging and what not for at least 4 years. I swear its like not even proper psychiatrists know that other eating disorders exists it’s always fucking anorexia and for it of course you have to weigh like 80 pounds to be even allowed to get proper treatment

Its not even about the therapy and the medical side of it that fucking sucks its the fact that I will never be able to open up to my friends about this because even though I know that they love me and wouldn’t straight to my face tell me that it doesn’t make sense they will never take it seriously until they can see the disorder manifest physically. When you’re at a healthy weight you are automatically healthy. No gives a single fuck about your eating disorder because “everyone has issues” “everyone is struggling with something inside their head”. But when you look disturbingly skinny it’s like your problems take a physical form, they become real, no one can deny what’s literally in front of their fucking eyes. People get worried for my friend who is naturally thin and has been that way for her entire life but no one gives a fuck about the fact that I never eat at school, my friends don’t suspect let alone worry about the fact that I know ridiculous amount of information related to eating disorders, that my self-image is so disturbed and warped and that I feel disgusted leaving the house because every single thing I wear makes me want to puke and they will never even DARE TO FUCKING THINK that I have an eating disorder because god fucking forbid I LOOK HEALTHY. I DON’T LOOK SICK. HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE SICK

How the fuck can anyone expect of me to take this whole fucking thing seriously when it’s just embarassing. Its humiliating. If it were serious I would be dangerously underweight by this point. I’m aware that something is wrong but I am aware that I will never get help and I will never be treated like it’s a big deal unless i’m on the verge of death and that’s the worst fucking thing about this whole crap

It won’t become real until there are results and I am too big of a self-sabotaging piece of shit to achieve them

[nanowrimo]

Why One Voice Is Never Enough: Weaving Intersectionality into YA

Humans are complicated and multi-faceted—and so are the best fictional characters who reflect the reality of what it is to be human. Today, writer Rachel Werner shares why it’s important to create intersectionality in the characters you write:

Does my protagonist get to be Black and have clinical depression? Be neuro-divergent and transgender? The default setting for writing diverse stories often presents as a “this or that” scenario, or leaves an author feeling as though certain demographic boxes need to be “checked” to ensure their book is perceived as inclusive “enough.” The fallacy to these mentalities is that neither is an appropriate benchmark to strive for.

Unfortunately, this is where numerous character compositions go hopelessly awry—ultimately undermining story arcs no matter how well they’re crafted. It’s not enough to simply make one’s heroine Asian or disabled, then proceed with the plot. What truly makes characters resonate with readers is complexity, usually achieved via intersectionality.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines intersectionality as the “the complex, cumulative way in which the effects of multiple forms of discrimination (such as racism, sexism, and classism) combine, overlap, or intersect especially in the experiences of marginalized individuals or groups.” It also astutely credits the scholar and a civil rights activist Kimberlé Crenshaw who originated “the idea that when it comes to thinking about how inequalities persist, categories like gender, race, and class are best understood as overlapping and mutually constitutive rather than isolated and distinct.”

Crenshaw’s theory exposes the reality that those within BIPOC, LGBTQ+ and/or different-abled bodied communities rarely connect with a single identifier. Thus, a “White vs. Black” antagonistic premise set in suburbia now falls flat because a narrative should be based on more than blatant friction between teens with different skin colors. 

“Representing experiences at the intersection of two or more marginalized identities is so necessary for children's literature. Authors often hear that their stories (and their lived experience) are 'too much,' that a character cannot be both Black and Muslim, or both trans and Latinx, and so on. Authors come up against gatekeepers who want them to sanitize their work and remove an aspect of who the characters are or what the story is in order to make it more palatable and 'marketable' to readers,” explains We Need Diverse Books Communications Manager Alaina Lavoie. 

“But readers—kids and teenagers—live these experiences, and very rarely get to see themselves on the page. This could result in them feeling they need to sanitize part of their lives for others; someone might feel they need to be "less disabled" in order to be accepted by the LGBTQ+ community; or that they need to downplay or hide their Blackness to feel at home in Jewish spaces,” Lavoie states. “Books that center the multiply marginalized, such as Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender or Color Me In by Natasha Diaz, might be the very first time that a reader sees that they can show up as their full self, without trying to mask or change who they are in order to be accepted and seen.” 

Lavoie’s insight into the current publishing climate is a crucial reminder that within no community does one word ever “fit all.” As a writer, I can personally attest to navigating what, at times, is a grueling creative process. The need for more representation in YA for people of color with mental health issues inspired my short story, “Brown Girl Blues”. Writing from personal experience can provided a feeling of connection for others, plus be cathartic for oneself. I’ve been in clinical treatment for an eating disorder off and on for over two decades. But I never read one book growing up that featured a young woman of color grappling with this sort of illness. Would it have made a difference? Perhaps. I may have felt less isolated or... “crazy,” since I was already coming of age in an environment in which mental health struggles weren’t openly discussed and acknowledged, aside from alcoholism or drug addiction.

The need for more own voices sharing real, lived experiences is one young audiences continue to crave. Challenge yourself to share the stories no writer other than you can tell. One day, a kid might thank you for it.

Rachel Werner is faculty for Hugo House and The Loft Literary Center; a We Need Diverse Books program volunteer; and a book reviewer for Shelf Awareness. She has contributed print, photography and video content to Fabulous Wisconsin, BLK+GRN, BRAVA, Madison Magazine and Entrepreneurial Chef. She is also the founder of The Little BookProject WI, a community arts and nonprofit bi-annual collaboration. A passionate commitment to holistic wellness and sustainable agriculture keeps her a Midwestern girl at heart—and Madison resident. 

Top photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash (mural painted by Annabelle Wombacher, Jared Mar, Sierra Ratcliff and Benjamin Cahoon).

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

The Canadian Healthcare System and Why It Sucks, but Is Still Better Than The US

So, this tis be my diagnosis story. 

When I first went to go see my family doctor about the feelings I was having, I was asked to sit down and fill out a survey of sorts. It was about how I was feeling. I didn’t talk to a doctor. I didn’t get to explain anything. They took those papers away and then my doctor came in and said “Aliesha, I think you may have mild to severe anxiety and depression.” She prescribed me medications and told me to make an appointment with their therapist. 

So, I tried the medication for a few months, while sitting on the wait list for a half hour appointment with a therapist who clearly didn’t want to listen to me and only wanted to tell me what to do. It took me 3 months to get into this therapist. Not once was I sent for any tests to see if it could have been a physical condition (such as a thyroid issue). 

The medication didn’t work. I tried a new one. I waited 3 months between my appointments with my therapist. This time, the medication made me dissociate, which the doctor had no clue what that was. I only found out after talking to my therapist in my clinic years later. I turned 18, and then I was told that I couldn’t see the therapist anymore because I wasn’t a minor. So I got scheduled to meet a new one. Again, it was the same thing. 

I was finally switched to my last anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. It didn’t work None of them worked. Not once was it suggested to me that I could have ADHD because I didn’t have typical symptoms. I had been asking to be referred to a psychiatrist, I even found a few that I thought would work. I was at the end of my rope and I just wanted to find help. My doctor never referred me, told me that there was no reason for me to be referred to one. 

Eventually, I switched family doctors. I met with their clinics behavioral consultant lady. She talked to my new doctor and they referred me to the Emerging Adult Treatment Clinic. There was going to be a wait but they had given me resources. This doctor sent me for blood tests and tried to see what could be causing it. I stopped taking the medication I was on because it just didn’t feel like it was doing anything (PSA: DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION COLD TURKEY. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR AND REDUCE IT GRADUALLY. THOSE FEW MONTHS WERE LITERAL HELL ON EARTH.) 

About 8 months later, I was contacted by this clinic and was told to come in for an assessment appointment. The clinic was calm. It was mean for children and youth up to 24 years old. As I was talking to the intake therapist, he turned to me and told me “Aliesha, I think you’re a great candidate for this clinic and I’m going to go ahead and book you for orientation.” 

I started crying. Bawling. I told him that it felt good to hear that I was finally going to get help. I told him that if they had denied me, I’m not sure what would have happened. 

Orientation was two group sessions of going through what was going to happen and what type of programs were available to us in the clinic. We were going to be doing individual therapy, where our assigned therapists had us for an hour, and would help us. They would also make suggestions for which program, if any, would be helpful. We were told we would also be meeting with a psychiatrist as soon as we could. 

I started my therapy with my psychologist Natalie. She was absolutely amazing and I wish I could thank her again. I told her what was going on and she asked me what i hoped to gain out of therapy. She asked me what I most wanted to work on. We started on basic necessities. Like eating and sleeping properly. She always encouraged me, she validated me. She made me feel valued again. 

I then got to meet with the psychiatrist. Natalie was also there for all my psychiatry appointments to make notes for our sessions, as well as add anything that she felt was important. My psychiatrist right away had said “Aliesha, I’ve noticed a few things while you’ve been sitting here, and do you think you could possibly have ADHD?” I had said, I never thought about it but you’re the doctor and I’m trusting you. He gave me an option for my treatment. He told me he wanted to start me on medication that day, see if it helped a little, and then we’d go from there. I had a choice. He asked me if I was willing to do that. I told him yes. 

I started Vyvanse 10mg the next morning. Holy shit, I felt like I could do my homework without dying. I was focused. I was happy. I felt like I could do things again. He also had me fill out some questionnaires, and asked if my mom would be willing to fill out one about my childhood. Yeah, looking back on it now, ADHD was definitely there when I was younger too. Things make sense. 

I registered to go back to a in-classroom setting to finish my diploma. Natalie was so proud of me, and wow it felt good to hear someone professional say that they were proud of me and that they could see how hard I was trying. 

I started DBT in this clinic too, and I felt it helped at least a little bit. I made amends with someone I used to go to school with that hated me; we had said some awful things to each other in school. 

I made a complete 180 with the help of this clinic. Even now, after this hell of a year, I am happier. I’m healthier. My thoughts are healthier (though, I still have to work on things). 

I walked with away from this clinic with a discharge paper stating my diagnoses, which are as followed: 

ADHD

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

and something that is almost PTSD but didn’t quite fit the mold from the DSM. My psychiatrist wrote it down as “Trauma and Stressor Related Disorder”. 

That’s the story of how I was diagnosed. Let me tell you why the healthcare system is flawed. 

I had to wait 4 years to get help. To get proper help. To be listened to. Unless I wanted to pay a ton of money that I didn’t have. I wasn’t listened to because I was a minor. I was told many times by doctors and “therapists” that if I lost weight, my problems would go away. I was told it was normal. 

IT SHOULD NOT TAKE THAT LONG FOR SOMEONE TO FIND HELP. 

I almost killed myself. If I had been denied from that clinic, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I was at the end of my rope and I was fighting to hold on. Not everyone gets to hang on so long. Not everyone is able to. 

SUICIDE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL WE ADDRESS THE FUNDAMENTAL CONCERNS. 

PROVIDE STUDENTS WITH BETTER ACCESS TO MENTAL HEALTH CARE. LISTEN TO THEM. PROVIDE TEACHERS AND ALL ADMIN STAFF WITH TRAINING TO UNDERSTAND AND IDENTIFY SOMEONE WHO COULD BE STRUGGLING. 

MAKE WAIT TIMES LESS. MAKE APPOINTMENTS LONGER. MAKE SURE THE DOCTORS AND ALL HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HELPING YOU. 

Yes, our Canadian Healthcare System is flawed. However, I didn’t have to pay to see my doctor. I didn’t have to outrageous bills after seeing my psychiatrist. The ONLY thing I paid for, was my prescriptions, which without insurance were $166 a month. 

PROVIDE FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL CITIZENS. 

[symptoms-syndrome]

Eating disorder mention, body image stuff mostly, food stuff sorta, hoarding mention. Heavy TW.

Regardless of whether I have an eating disorder or not (I definitely have some sort of feeding disorder w food hoarding and "if I eat it now I won't have it later," though whether that's an eating disorder is subject to debate. I've been told it isn't, but then again I don't know much about eating disorders beyond the two Big Ones, neither of which I have currently) I definitely have a lot of body image stuff.

If there was some eating disorder equivalent to clear my skin, I'd be in it. I'm extremely self conscious about my acne. I've already talked about my complicated hair feelings a few times. I'm not worried about being fat/overweight at all really, I'm a little chubby but I also know my body is very muscular because of the sports I did in HS and I try to work out when I can, disability permitting. I wouldn't even care if I wasn't, weight and fat just aren't things I particularly care about.

I care much more about cleanliness. My acne makes me feel gross, because both the acne itself and the idea my skin is greasy. My psoriasis I'm also very self conscious about, which is why I wouldn't let people touch my hair growing up, because I had really disgusting "scales" on my scalp and dandruff.

The psoriasis is complicated history and trauma wise. I had it all my life, mostly on my scalp, knees and hands, and my birth mother (who also had it) tried everything under the sun other than taking me to a doctor about it. Eat more yogurt, drink kombucha, get more sleep, etc etc etc. Nothing worked and I sort of just assumed I'd be like this forever until I went to a dermatologist who prescribed me steroid cream that cleared it up within days.

Taking care of my hair has done a lot for the psoriasis on my scalp, though I'm not sure how much is hair specific and how much is just that I'm showering more.

The combination of being extremely averse to showering (I'm not sure why this was, though I've heard some places it may be due to trauma stuff, or dysphoria? I have little to no issue with it now and shower daily) and living with a bona fide hoarder made me kinda...gross. And I was never not reminded. I was always told I stink, given shower products and perfumes for gifts every holiday. I'm not sure how much my skin conditions were caused or worsened by any of this. I just know I'm incredibly self conscious about it now. More than my weight, though that was also something brought up a lot. Maybe because a lot of body posi stuff is focused on weight? And so it was easier to combat.

I would legitimately do anything for clear, healthy skin. Except wear makeup I guess, I never got the hang of makeup and buying something like makeup that gets used and I need to buy more of (combined with makeup brands going in and out of stock with trends, thus not being able to guarantee consistency) makes me anxious. My skin is also incredibly sensitive because of the psoriasis, my body wash can't even have dye in it, I'm not even supposed to wear colored underwear or use Always brand menstrual products (not that that's relevant anymore)

I don't know what this post is supposed to be about. I guess just talking into the void. I never ever see people talk about body image issues beyond just weight I guess. Sometimes body hair? But that's not smth I struggle with either.

Sometimes I genuinely wish there was some extreme unhealthy behavior I could do just to get clear skin.

I guess maybe I'm thinking about it since I'm supposed to go on accutane soon. I'm really hoping it works, I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. I think it's like...one of the most extreme treatments for acne.

[the-five-night-system]

I spent 4 months in a eating disorder facility and one of the staff had OSDD and their husband had DID and we spent nights talking about our experiences and just validating each other. My system had actually been dormant for a year because I bullied them because I listened to the toxicity of the DID community. The whole "you're fake because you don't experience X, Y, & Z" so I bullied and invalidated my system till they didn't feel safe and like they had when I was younger and hid from me. I MADE my headspace unsafe because i listened to the gatekeeping and discourse. While I was at the ED clinic, I broke open so many infected trauma wounds that a new alter broke off and two nights later I met this tech.

I have never felt more normal and validated because I was able to ask her questions and have a conversation, bounce off thoughts and explain how I feel. After two years of being told by the DID community that I was invalid and not real, I was told by someone who had had years of DID treatment and had two children and worked a full time job, that I was actually pretty typical for OSDD made me cry. And after that My Alters Came Back, out of hiding. Because no matter what the rest of the social media says they will not convince me that I am not valid. Because I have multiple intimate relationship (non romantic) that I was able to have deep conversations and EXPLAIN my side of the story and get confirmation that I am not "weird", I am not "broken", I am not "faking".

I want people to know:

• not all dissociation is getting tunnel vision or muffled senses, there are other ways of dissociating, I experience a sharpness of all my hearing sense like everything gets sharping before everything blinks out..

• switching is not presented in only one way. There are subtle switches, they can be fast or slow, "smooth" or "violent". And it can vary at any point. And not all switches are caused by trauma.

• you don't need to have vastly different alters to have DID/OSDD, in fact most people with these disorders have subtle differences

• not everyone HEARS their alters, some people just get intense feelings that aren't theirs towards a decision. Most people hear conversations or voices but their are people that don't. (Ex: you get asked a question or something involving preference and you don't hear anything but you get a feeling that differs from what you want. "I want a cookie. How about chocolate chip" *intense feeling of disgust* "okay someone doesn't like that.....I think (blank) doesn't want this"

• NO ONE CAN TELL YOU YOU ARE FAKING, they don't go home with you. They don't see inside your head and experience things they way you do. Be honest with yourself. Are you getting anything out of this? No, do you think your faking? That is a very common thing that happens to people with DID/OSDD at basically any stage of your recovery.

•your life is shaped by your perspective. What you see is what your reality is. Even if no one else sees it doesn't mean you don't and that it isn't real to you. Doesn't mean your mind isn't reacting to your perspective. Doesn't mean that you are invalid.

• you don't need to label yourself with all the titles. you can just exists as a system and systems don't have to be miserable all the time. You can be happy, and function and have a job and a family and a life with a system

I want people to be treated with acceptance and love not gatekeeping and criticism. We have struggled as people with severe trauma. We should just accept people and show kindness. I'm tired of hate and the hurt people cause by trying to shove people with DID/OSDD into the diagnostic boxes because these disorder are SO PERSONAL. NO TWO SYSTEMS ARE THE SAME. so just love. And don't be afraid to be brave, I am at this moment and even if I get hate, NO ONE will change my mind. I've bullied my system enough.

If you are afraid of being judged, but want to feel safe, my DMs are open because I was afraid of being open and then I found someone who was willing to be accepting and who understood. If you need validation then I will listen and not judge.

- Micheal, host

[uncloseted]

Hey! I’m the anon (and also Gay!Bama anon) who sent the asks about BPD and being rejected by that closeted guy. I guess the reason I think I have BPD is because I’m in my 20’s now, and I just have issues with perceived rejection for whatever reason. Anytime someone rejects me or something, I get really depressed and question myself a lot, or I question my worth, and it’s over things that should not be a big deal, but to me they feel like the end of the world. It’s like I have no emotional skin, if that makes sense, so everything hurts more than it would someone who is normal. It’s just so hard sometimes. I get so emotional or upset over things that there’s no need in being that upset over. I just wish I could change it, but I can’t. I feel like I’ve destroyed a lot of potential relationships and also friendships by overreacting and it makes me feel so crazy. (1/2)

(2/3) (Gay!Bama anon) I think it might be because my Dad and me always had a difficult relationship, and now that he’s gone things are really more difficult than before. I started going back to therapy and I’m about to go back to school to finish up my degree, but I just wish I could manage these feelings better. The only way I have been able to deal with them is by either numbing them with alcohol, drugs, or fulfilling them with anonymous encounters, or just cutting myself off from other people, so that way I have nothing to react to. It just really sucks because I’m so lonely all the time, but I don’t know what else to do about it other than that. I used to self harm to help me cope with my feelings, because then I could hurt myself and not hurt the people in my life by lashing out over trivial things, like irrelevant rejection or changing plans. It feels like every small thing is a seed, from which sprouts a tree of paranoia and depression.

(3/3) (Gay!Bama anon) I also have had such a hard time trying to figure out my plans for a career and goals because I’m always switching them up, because one personality trait might take the forefront, but then that could change and that influences how I feel about something or what I want to do. I just wish I could turn all of these feelings off for a while, or something, and just be like calm or something.

Hi Gay!Bama anon!  Always happy to see you in my inbox, although I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. The fact that I know it’s you and I know you’re in your 20s changes my answer slightly.  

There are a number of symptoms that need to be present to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; rejection sensitivity is definitely one of them, but not the only one.  The DSM-5 requires five or more of the following symptoms for a BPD diagnosis:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. Generally, these are out of proportion to the event that triggered them)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (e.g., calling a friend/partner/family member several times a day during working hours and getting upset when they don’t answer)

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (e.g., frequently and suddenly changing goals, beliefs, vocational aspirations, and sexual identity, or assuming the identity of people they’re close to)

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, gambling, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, committing crimes)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting"- basically, thinking a person is the best person ever, the love of your life, your best friend, someone with no faults, and then switching to thinking the person is the worst person ever, who has never cared about you, who has no redeeming qualities.  This typically results in alternating between over-involvement with the person and withdrawal from the person)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms (typically only lasting hours or days, and triggered by an external stressor.  Dissociative symptoms may include feeling like your body is unreal or altered in a strange way, feeling that the outside world is unreal, and illusions).

People with BPD will also typically have a compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of other people, and have intense, unstable, and conflicted relationships that are marked by mistrust and neediness.  It’s also important that these symptoms have persisted over time and across different situations.

If that doesn’t resonate with you, there are a number of other different conditions that result in being particularly sensitive to rejection, including social anxiety, depression, generalized anxiety, ADD/ADHD, eating disorders, and childhood trauma are just a few things that could cause a fear of rejection.  I would talk to your therapist about this symptom and ask for help coming up with some coping mechanisms.

If all of that does sound like you, I would talk to your therapist about a possible BPD diagnosis and potentially a referral to a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy.  DBT is the most studied and effective treatment for BPD, so it’s a good place to start if that is what you’re struggling with.  In the meantime, you can learn the principles of DBT on your own and try to begin applying them to your life.

DBT combines mindfulness with techniques for distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.  Having a therapist and attend group therapy sessions are an important part of a full course DBT.  However, there are several exercises you can try at home:

Keeping a Diary

One of the easiest things you can do at home is to start tracking your behaviors.  Note any self-injurious or life threatening behaviors, behaviors which indirectly cause harm to yourself or others, and quality of life issues.  Write down any triggers you’ve noticed.

Mindfulness

There are a few different types of mindfulness exercises you can try.  Since you mentioned that you want to be able to turn your feelings off, trying meditation might be a good place to start.  There are some good apps, like Headspace and Calm, that can help you learn how to meditate and encourage you to practice meditation, and there are also a ton of videos on YouTube that do the same.

DBT encourages the concept of “radical acceptance”- the idea that one should face situations, both positive and negative, without any judgement.  Try to let go of fighting reality and accept a situation for what it is.  When you’ve accepted a situation, then you can figure out how to change it.

You can also try using “what” skills when practicing mindfulness; these are observe, describe, and participate.  They’re “what” you do when you’re practicing mindfulness. Nonjudgementally paying attention to the present moment is an important component of DBT, so the first thing you can do is observe.  Try to nonjudgementally observe your environment within and outside of yourself.  Notice the feelings you’re experiencing, and then try to let slide off of your mind.  Next, describe: express what you observed, either to someone around you or to yourself.  Try to use your five senses to put words to what you’re observing.  What can you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Feel?  Finally, participate: try your best to be fully focused on and involved in any activity that you’re doing.  When your mind wanders, gently pull it back to the task you’re currently doing.

Distress Tolerance

One of the goals of DBT is to help people develop the ability to calmly recognize negative situations and decide if and how to address them.  It’s important to learn how to be distressed without becoming overwhelmed or hiding from that feeling.

TIPP is one of the fastest and most popular distress tolerance skills, since it alleviates distress quickly.  Tip the temperature of your face by splashing it with very cold water, intensely exercise for 20 minutes, do paced breathing- breathe in for four seconds and our for six to eight seconds, and then do progressive muscle relaxation- starting from the top of your body, tense and relax each muscle group until you get to your toes.

You can also distract yourself from unpleasant emotions using ACCEPTS.  Engage in activities that you enjoy, contribute by helping others, compare yourself to people who are less fortunate or how you used to be when you were in a worse state, evoke a different emotion by putting on a happy song or watching a comedy special, push away your situation in your mind, and put something else first by thinking about something else, and finally, create sensations that are intense, such as holding an ice cube or eating spicy food.

Another thing you can try when you’re in distress is to IMPROVE the moment.  Imagine relaxing scenes, things going well, or other pleasing scenarios, find meaning in what you’re feeling, pray, if you’re religious, relax your muscles using the progressive muscle relaxation we talked about above, do one thing at a time, and focus all your attention on it, vacation if you can (by taking a break from the situation), and encourage yourself.  Tell yourself it’s possible to make it through your current situation and cope with it.  You can be your own best cheerleader.

Emotional Regulation

Since people who have BPD frequently have intense emotions, it can be helpful to learn how to regulate those emotions.

First, try identifying and labeling your emotions.  Tune in with yourself and ask yourself what you’re feeling.  Is it anger? Fear? Sadness?  Then, you can try to change unwanted emotions using opposite-reactions.  With opposite-reactions, you do the opposite of the urge you’re feeling in the moment.  For example, if you want to isolate yourself, instead, reach out to a friend.  

Fact-checking is also an important technique- ask yourself, “do the facts warrant the intensity of the response I’m feeling?”  Then ask yourself, “what is the event prompting my emotion,” “what are my interpretations and assumptions about the event, and are those true?”, “am I assuming a threat? How likely is it to actually occur?”, “what’s the disaster? How can I cope well with it?”, and “does my emotion or intensity fit the facts?”  There’s a sample fact-checking worksheet that you can find here: http://edencounseling.com/resources/dbt-emotional-regulation-group-4-handouts.pdf

If your facts are correct and the situation is the problem, then you can problem solve.  First, identify your goal in solving the problem- what needs to happen for you to be okay, and what’s reasonable?  Then, brainstorm as many solutions as you can come up with, without being critical of your ideas. Choose a solution that fits your goal and is likely to work, using a pro/con list to decide if necessary. Act on your decision, and then evaluate if it worked.  If it didn’t work, go back to the “choose” stage and pick a different solution to try.

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Interpersonal relationships can be difficult for people with DBT, so it’s important to learn how to ask for what you need, how to say no, and how to cope with interpersonal conflicts.  There are three techniques in this module: DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST.

The DEAR MAN technique focuses on conveying your needs to someone else. Start by describing your situation using specific, fact-based statements about a recent situation.  Then express the emotions experienced when the situation occurred, why the situation was a problem, and how you feel about it. Assert yourself by clearly and specifically requesting the behavior change you would like. Reinforce your position by explaining to the person what the positive impacts of changing their behavior might be for them. Mindfully focus on the situation, without seeking validation, and redirect the conversation back to your main point when it seems to be diverting. Appear confident and assertive, even if you’re not feeling confident or assertive. Finally, negotiate with the person to come to a compromise that both parties are happy with.

The GIVE tool focuses on relationship maintenance, whether that’s with friends, family, co-workers, or romantic partners.  It is used in conversations. Use gentle language, free of put-downs, sarcasm, or judgement, even as a joke. Be as interested as you can in what the other person is saying.  Give them your undivided attention by making eye contact and asking questions.  Really listen to them, don’t just wait your turn to talk. Validate their situation, either through words, body language, or facial expressions.  Often, people just want to be heard and for someone to understand what they’re going through. Finally, try to adopt an easy manner: do your best to appear calm and comfortable during the conversation.  Use friendly humor and smile.

The FAST skill focuses on maintaining your self-respect.  Be fair to yourself and to the person you’re talking to. Don’t apologize more than once, and only apologize for things that are your fault.  Stick to your values- determine what you believe and stand by it, without letting other people sway your decisions. Lastly, be truthful. Lying can only damage relationships and reduce the respect you have for yourself.

I know that’s a ton of stuff I’ve just thrown at you, so if you’re still with me, thank you!  You don’t have to adopt all of these skills at once or even at all.  Getting good at just one or two of them will improve your life.  A therapist will be able to help you practice these different skills so that when you need them, they’re already in your mind.  Good luck!  I hope you get the support you need and that things start looking up for you soon.