#i have a consultation appt coming up soon with a bariatric weight loss program and i’m v nervy
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#tw disordered eating#personal#i have a consultation appt coming up soon with a bariatric weight loss program and i’m v nervy#i’ve always been fat and fairly unhealthy bc i didn’t have access to good food growing up (bc poor)#but i also struggle with self-control/impulse control because… obviously#so i binge a lot and then feel really bad afterwards (physically and mentally) but i struggle to tell myself no#so i go through periods where like one day i’ll eat absolutely nothing at all to punish myself & the next i’ll binge until i’m sick#but no psychiatrist has ever wanted to diagnose me with an eating disorder because… well… the psychiatrists in my area aren’t great…#and i’m fat…. so i don’t fit their idea of what someone with an eating disorder should look like#so i’ve never been able to get treatment for my disordered eating#so i’m excited about my consultation…#but i’m also nervous that i won’t be able to actually lose the weight#because most of my family has the same type of disordered eating#and they grew up poor so they don’t have the best idea of nutrition nor do they currently have the means to afford good food (still poor)#so regardless of what information i’m given#my family is likely going to continue to buy the same tempting unhealthy foods#and i just don’t trust myself :/#also i’m not sure if my insurance will cover my appointment if the clinic chooses to take me on as a patient#so i could literally just be told that yeah i’m overweight and i clearly need help but i can’t get help because insurance#which wouldn’t do anything for me except for make me feel 1000x worse about my current situation#but also i’m so tired of feeling/being this way#not necessarily being fat but being unhealthy and feeling like i don’t have control over my own impulses and actions…#like i don’t have the power to stop myself from binging#it’s just very frustrating and really taking a toll on me#sorry for the rant#but life is a lot for me right now#and i can’t talk to anyone in my family about this because they’ll think i’m a danger to myself#(aka going to off myself) & they’ll take me to the hospital & then i’ll have to go in inpatient again (i haven’t been inpatient since 14/15)#& i really just don’t want to deal with that because like… that’s not what’s happening here#tw mental instability
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