#but i absolutely agree that they both get to explore polyamory a lot more

[lattehearted]

Spinning S.andra L.ynn around in my head like a rotisserie chicken instead of sleeping

[blue-pastel-cat]

Xiaobedo Fanfic Recommendation

Welcome to my personal “if you are new to xiaobedo peeps please read these” list. As said before this is my personal list so please feel free to reblog/comment/hit me for not including any gem here. I might miss a lot of them because I am drunk or blind. (mostly have them on my to read and then forgot as I am being assault by real life shit).

I would like to say first that so far there are 150+ Xiaobedo fics on Ao3. I can’t review all of them but I can say that I have read a majority of them. Most of them are just pure love and I would like nothing more than a thousands thank you for all the fic writers who spent their free time writting these gems for us to read for free. But these...these takes the cake as it finds a special landing spot in my heart that I would just thrust them into someone’s hand if they say “I am new to this ship can you recommend me?”

1. Orange dust by bobamilkteas (Wes)

In which Xiao learns to open himself up to the world a little more after the collapse of Rex lapis's contracts but it was not always easy for a soul doomed to eternal damnation. Meanwhile, Albedo liked to tempt fate where the extraordinary are concerned.

If only the traveler's comrades are made of saner bunch.

Comment: Long ago when I like both Albedo and Xiao as a character, I was wondering hmmm....will anyone actually even write about them lmao they never met each other. I am surprise to see this one as the 3rd fic in the whole 3 Xiaobedo fic on Ao3 (yeah back when there’s literally only 3 fic for this couple). I was like I’ll read it for the curiosity, I’ll probably won’t ship them. And that people is how I put my clown make up on my face upon finishing reading it. This ONE fic alone convert me into a devotee of Xiaobedo. Please consider joining me in this circus if you want to know what is Xiaobedo. I would put this as the first of my “Big 3″

Orange Dust also come with its compliation of short stories over the course of the game and a big sequel to it. Please also consider reading ALL OF THEM.

2. Solar Wind by birdpriestess (Sparrow)

For the yaksha, his duty was his life, and his life was his duty. No human could ever hope to understand the eternal war he fought out of sight and in silence.

So why, then, did he feel that Albedo would understand?

---

Finding himself at death's door once more, Xiao is saved by a surprising person, setting off the unlikeliest of adventures.

Comment: Do you like crying? Do you like the feeling of getting your heart ripped into pieces as the author destroy your emotions over the end of each chapter as the story picked up the climax? Yeah, this one is for you masochists. The action, the characterisation, the drama THE EMOTIONS OH WOW. I kid you not that it was so good I read this while workinng when I am not suppose to me. Also, this fic has my favourite characterisation of Gold ever. I love that dramatic queen Mad Alchemist. AND DAIN. I LOVE DAIN IN THIS FIC. Our dearest Sparrow manage to toy with our feelings like how I bully ruin guard for big numbers lmao. This is the secound of “Big 3″ of my Xiaobedo list.

Again, just like Orange Dust, Solar Wind comes with its own compliation of short stories of what came after that. Please also consider reading ALL OF THEM.

3. Castle of Glass by AlchemicalStardust (Morgie) 

A black shadow rises over Huaguang Stone Forest. Caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, Albedo flees the shaking ground and the crash of boulders tumbling form the sky. As the dust settles, Albedo finds a young man – an Adeptus – amidst the carnage. Despite the karmic agony ripping his body from the inside, Xiao’s only question is “How?” How did a human survive after witnessing his battle?

Comment: The last of the “Big 3″ of my Xiaobedo list. And it is still on going! Castle of Glass? More like I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTIONS! Have you read a fic about 2 people yearning, longing, reaching out for each other so damn well that you just want to throw your phone in the air as they both had their impending doom coming down upon them? Yeah this is one of them. You will like want to be stuck in the moment they express how much they just yearn for each other’s love and care that you want to shake the author for what comes next. Like...everytime Morgie update I am expressing my gratitude at the end of the chapter by writing on Xiaobedo discord “MORGIE COME HERE AND LET ME BONK YOU WHY ARE YOU ENDING IT THERE”

trust me when you read you will def feel the same. With just Big 3 and their compliation alone that would give you like a LONG list of reading already LMAOOOOOOO

4. Find a place to call it home  by yamajiroo 

Our room, he said. Xiao’s brow twitches. Zhongli never said anything about this. But then again, perhaps he should anticipate this from the beginning...

Xiao looks over at Albedo, who is now tilting his head, his look as innocent as ever.

“Are you not okay with sharing a room?”

Comment: College AU for Xiaobedo! One thing that I love this is the slow burn and what made me LOVE LOVE LOVE this fic more is how cute Klee is in this fic. Their relationship in this one is very simple, but that simplicity highlight why their chemistry work. Xiao is someone who was just very gentle, who was largely misunderstood by his lonesome nature. Albedo was someone who like peace and quite in his introvert bubble. And how they respect that bubble that each other has actually made their relationship work. I love it when fic highlight this and this one captures it.

5. I Can't See Your Face From the Other Side of the Classroom by MissWeaver  

When Albedo and Xiao unexpectedly start eating lunch together, they begin to find that they have more in common than anyone would have realized. They both struggle in their own ways with blossoming feelings, too many assignments, and annoying classmates as they navigate a relationship for the first time.

Comment: I’ll be honest, I usually hate high school au just because its so cliche. I don’t even watch and drama/anime surrounds high school student anymore LMAOOO (unless it’s very good). So if there’s an high school AU that I actually keep come back and read after a couple of chapters, it means that the cliche that I hate wasn’t there or barely was there at all. The pinning in this fic makes me want to bang their head together sometimes LMAOOO The tag wasn’t kidding when they said both Xiao and Albedo are bad at feelings. Also that’s a lot of heart broken caused by these two idiots XD

6. new world, same me, same bullshit  by  bobamilkteas (Wes)

At the belly of Dragonspine, Albedo lost control to the festering corruption that permeated his senses and watched, from the recesses of his mind, as his devoured body turned his allies into enemies. Before his rampage reached its climax, he is sealed in a crystalized confinement by the last hand of Reindottir, where he then reawakens centuries after, in a rebooted Teyvat.

Comment: Yeah I know it was list in Orange Dust but here me out. This sets out in an entirely different universe. And if you like Polyamory, this one has Zhongli joining the duo and I love it because I also love ZhongXiao with my life. Time Travel is my biggest kink. Especially when I am the person who love it when people explore Archon War era/ Alatus!Xiao. So this one hits double of my kink. Of course it is still on going and I will bully Wes whenever I can to see that new chapter. Albedo is a total fucking badass in this story and I completely agree from using him in Abyss so often. Everyone should write badass Albedo.

7. misplaced heart of mine by  inkburn           

“If you are ill, then you should be resting at home. In Mondstadt.” He emphasized Mondstadt with a pointed look in his direction.

“I assure you I won’t be troublesome, Adeptus Xiao,” Albedo said, “You’ll find I’m a rather low-maintenance traveler.”

“Travel,” Xiao scoffed, “without airstep?”

Albedo looked him up and down. “Are your legs just for decoration?”

(albedo is sent to liyue on mandatory vacation. xiao is his unfortunate bodyguard.)

Comment: Most of the time you will see Albedo and Xiao starting their relationship with one of them taking interest in another. But this one took another approach, they starting off by make them hating each other’s guts LMAOOOO and I live for every second of it. There’s only 1 chapter so far but wow it was SOOO GOOD. I am really really excited for next chapter and is waiting patiently ;w;

8.  Blossom of Grace  by birdpriestess  

One day in Liyue Harbor, Albedo watches a street performance by an enigmatic dancer named Xiao. And he becomes completely obsessed.

Comment: Have you ever look at Xiao fight and thinking that he’s one of the most beautiful deadly thing ever? How it was like he was dancing around the battlefield? How about actual dancer Xiao being so absolutely beautiful and perfect and that slow burn of Albedo falling in love with that beauty with a touch of Modern AU and cute Ganyu as the Wing woman. Yes, Sparrow delivers yet again another beautiful slow burn and while it’s still ongoing it is worth the read.

9. i think we could make this work (could get used to this) by outspaced               

“Xiao? What are you doing out here?”

“I—”

“It’s raining,” Albedo says, as if it isn’t obvious. “You could get struck by lightning.”

“What are you doing out here then?” Xiao does the only thing he knows how to do, he challenges Albedo. “It’s raining.”

Albedo just hums. “If I get struck by lightning, it’s for science.”

Comment: A short one-shot where I read the summary and went “This is it... this is their relationship.” I am sold immediately. Oh god Albedo why are you like this.

10. Ephemeral by criedprinz        

“It’s not for your investigation, is it?” Aether asked mildly.

Albedo traced a finger around the sketchbook, considering the question. “No,” he admitted finally. “I... I just want to see them again.”

He opened the sketchbook to reveal the drawing he’d just finished. Aether nodded, clearly recognizing the sharp golden eyes.

“Xiao,” he said. “You were rescued by an adeptus.”

When a visit to Dragonspine goes horribly wrong, Albedo is rescued by an unknown stranger, wielding powers he's never heard of. Led on a search to find out who it is, he finds himself in the middle of an unforgettable encounter..

Comment: A really really well written one-shot that I love. The yearning oh godddd the yearning from Albedo side is just so so much that I have to put it here. (I think you can see the trend here lmao. I am a sucker for yearning). And the moment they get to meet each other again is just chef kiss. MWHAA

11. Idle Yaksha, Brilliant Yaksha by Pit0fTheEarth

Alatus didn’t have a lot of responsibilities to keep. He spent most of his days dancing across the sky and eating away all nightmares that plagued a person’s sleep.

But one fortunate encounter led to too many unfortunate ones, taking his carefree existence and plunging it in darkness. His wings, stripped from him. His gentle touch, replaced by an unforgiving grip of destruction.

There was a lot of blood on his hands. With each passing moment, it became harder for Alatus to recall the last time someone gently held him.

Comment: This is one of the ongoing fic where I am very very much excited on the take of Naberius. And the way the author portray Xiao when he’s still the innocent Alatus is just *clench fist*. Baby ;w; Baby why do you have to lose all that innocence. Also the fic has long LONG flashback to Xiao past and his relationship with Naberius. We are unwielding more what happened to both of them and why perhaps does this have to do with Albedo.

That’s it for now, might add more later! Thank you <3

[boys-night]

Mickey and Ian - communication, sex, and relationship styles, post 11x07

Here’s my take on how Ian and Mickey relate to sexuality and relationship styles, thinking mainly about 11x07, but also looking more broadly at the series and including HoS. If you’re not interested in incorporating 11x07 in your version of canon, ignore this! I enjoyed 11x07 but I understand people have different ways of seeing Ian and Mickey’s relationship. I’m also doing the classic meta thing of taking seriously exaggerated/comic/contradictory elements in the show because that’s how I roll. 

Super long post under cut. 

I’ve been reading Sexuality: A Graphic Guide by Meg-John Barker and Jules Scheele which is where a lot of the following ideas and terminology come from. I’ve also been looking at Meg-John Barker’s free relationship zine on their website rewritingtherules.com. I highly recommend their work, including the podcast they have with Justin Hancock, The Meg-John and Justin podcast (although MJ has left now and it’s called Culture, Sex, Relationships, but you can check out the backlog!) 

They think about sex and relationship styles using various models including monogamy/polyamory, allosexuality/asexuality, romance/aromance etc. They look at these different facets of sexuality/relationship styles as complicated continua rather than binaries which shift over time. They also write about sexuality on an action/identity spectrum, communication strategies around relationships styles, and the windows into relationships. Here, I’m looking at all of these things thinking about Ian and Mickey’s relationship and as individuals within the relationship. 

The monogamy/polyamory continuum

I’ve seen a bit of debate about how to label Mickey and Ian’s relationship on the monogamy/polyamory spectrum and I think it’s a pretty complex question especially considering those labels mean different things to different people and that relationships shift a lot over time. While labels like these can be useful, they can also be rigid and restrictive in their own ways. 

Some terms that come close-ish to what they say they’ve decided in 11x07 are monoamorous and polysexual, considering they aren’t at all interested in romantic connections outside of each other but are up for sex (in a broad sense) with other people. But these terms don’t account for the agreement that they’re only exploring sex with other people when they’re together. 

As people have pointed out, some of the boundary setting around exactly how they’re involving other people in the relationship is left off-screen, and also they’re not necessarily going to form identities around how they act in one episode. I’ve also seen people suggest reading their relationship style as monagamish and/or that what they do with other people is part of kink/play. I think these make sense in different ways and that in 11x07 Ian and Mickey definitely focus more on what they do (action) rather than who they are (identity) in regards to monogamy/polyamory. 

In 11x01, Ian’s focus is more on identity. He sets up a binary choice between being monagamous or not in their relationship. 11x07 indicates they’ve moved through off-screen discussion into a much more personalised arrangement with more focus on actions allowing for flexibility over time. In 11x07, we see them agree on rules: sex in a broad sense is allowed outside of the primary partnership, love isn’t. They keep negotiations ongoing (e.g. in the bedroom, in the furniture store), and there is an indication that these rules could change over time. 

I’d love to read/explore more about the ways in which this approach has changed over the course of the whole show. At the start of their relationship, definitely prior to s4, they have much more implicit rules about who they can have sex with, and those implicit rules become problematic in s5, when they realise they’re not completely on the same page regarding them. They bring up clashing ideas around the rules when Mickey’s leaving prison in s10 too. In s11, their relationship becomes more intentional, with these rules stated aloud rather than assumed. 

The action/identity continuum in regards to gay sexuality 

On a slight tangent, I think there’s a comparison to be made here to how they relate to sexuality (specifically gender of attraction) and the idea of gay identity, which seems to develop in the other direction. For Mickey especially, for a long time having sex with men was something he did rather than something he was, and that’s gradually somewhat shifted over the course of the show. There’s so much more that can be explored here, for instance, about how the action-based approach is much more acceptable within the hyper-masculine environment he was raised. Terry also approaches it this way when talking about prison sex, for example. According to this very oppressive social script, having sex with men in certain circumstances can be OK but claiming that as part of who you are is absolutely not. 

But I also want to stress, I don’t think either approach to gay sexuality, looking at it through actions or through identity, is inherently better or worse. These different lenses on sexuality also intersect with class and levels of education. As explored in Sexuality: A Graphic Guide, the identity approach is also relatively a very modern way of seeing sexuality (late 20th century). Gender of attraction is also only one facet of sexuality (which includes amount of sex you want, type of sex, sexual roles etc.) but its now often regarded as the only or most important facet of sexuality. The identity-based approach is much more acceptable within the more aspirational/middle class settings they interact with in s10 and s11. In these seasons, Mickey and to a lesser extent Ian aren’t completely willing to accept it wholesale. I like how, for example, even well after “coming out”, Mickey often still approaches sexuality through actions rather than identity, e.g. his response to the woman at the flower shop asking if he’s a homosexual: “He is, I just like having another man’s dick up my ass.”

However, I also think it’s cool/interesting how Ian and Mickey both move towards and embrace various parts of mainstream gay identity in s11 too, and a large part of that involves combatting the sexism, femmephobia, and hypermasculinity with which they were raised, e.g. of course, singing and dancing to Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande in the bathroom.  

You could also look at the different ideas about the origins of their gay sexuality in HoS through this lens. Mickey goes for a psychological/behavioural approach (based in like early 20th century sexological theories); Ian goes for a born-this-way, biological/genetic approach (popularised in the 1980s as part of gay pride movements). 

Mickey’s approach is very old school (definitely a way of thinking that reflects his upbringing), which assumes straight is the norm from which gay deviates, to do with Freudian theory/the idea of homosexuality as pathology. He doesn’t, for example, seek to use the same model (Fiona’s bad relationship history) to explain why Lip is straight. Ian’s approach (”not because I was born this way?”) reflects his investment in the intractability of sexuality related to his strict opposition to conversion therapy models and the idea of being gay as a choice. It also reflects the way he reacts negatively/disbelievingly to Debbie’s more flexible sexuality (in s8?). While obviously it’s fucked up/impossible to force people to change their sexuality and it’s perfectly reasonable for him to define the origins of his own sexuality however he wants, this approach risks excluding more fluid experiences of sexuality. 

Again, Mickey’s approach is more behavioural/action oriented and Ian’s is more identity oriented. They both seem pretty willing to shift their ideas around this though (especially Mickey, who potentially is just regurgitating old stuff he’s heard without thinking). The concluding thought is that Ian is gay because he likes Mickey’s d, lol. 

Individual differences on sex and relationship continua

I really like the detail that Ian doesn't want to have sex and be friends with anyone else aside from Mickey. In 11x07, he doesn't want to make friends with the guys in the locker room although he's down for repeat sexual experiences which suggests he thinks he forms romantic attachment through a combination of both sex and friendship. It seems like it's important to him in his negotiation with Mickey that they don't form romantic attachments outside of their own relationship.

This relates back to the 87% thing in HoS where Ian says he tends to get at least slightly attached to everyone he has sex with and Mickey has 87% of his heart. Mickey doesn’t like the 87% thing at all but I reckon it outlines a really interesting difference between the two characters in regards to relationship styles. It indicates that Ian is comfortable with a slightly less mononormative way of doing nurturance/care than Mickey, while Mickey seems to initiate more of the polysexuality than Ian in 11x07. (Although of course, we don’t see how Ian would react if Mickey were to tell him he’s got 87% of his heart! -- but this is a very difficult to imagine scenario).

Sex is a big part of their relationship for both of them. Both Ian and Mickey seem pretty allosexual (e.g. they feel sexual attraction for other people generally), but Mickey is possibly even more so than Ian. Mickey also maybe falls on the aromantic/grayromantic spectrum (once again, the labels can be really useful but I don’t want to be too prescriptive/rigid). Ian seems to be more alloromantic, with a capacity to experience romantic attraction to a whole bunch of people. For him, sex and romance seem to be more interconnected in all cases although he can definitely separate the two (especially when thinking about transactional sex etc).

But I think it's more complex than that. For instance, Mickey reserves certain sexual acts for just between him and Ian and its clear that they have both intimacy and exploration in their sex life. From the outset, Ian and Mickey’s relationship involves exploration and excitement with sex, and provides a freedom to explore their sexualities in regards to sexual roles and kink. It’s clear that Mickey values the safe space Ian specifically gives him in this regard from very early on in their relationship. There’s a parallel here with the bathroom Gaga/Grande scene where Ian’s instinct isn’t to tease or make fun of Mickey but support him embracing more stereotypical gay behaviours and/or more fluid gender roles to the ones he’s grown up with outside of sex too.

Also it might be useful to complicate the idea of romance itself which is a really difficult idea to pin down and which seems to mean different things for both of them. I love the stress on friendship in 11x07. Friendship and also family connection play such key parts in their relationship with one another and the way in which they are attached, arguably even more so than traditional models romance. Both HoS and the Hopper painting discussion are interesting to think about in regards to the ways Ian and Mickey think about the concept of romance differently and the ways it intersects with or differs from their ideas around friendship/family. I like how Mickey’s willing to see getting a coffee together as romantic in a positive way for instance after Ian explains that it’s about togetherness in hard times. While maybe Mickey sees Ian’s suggestion of having a bath together as awkward/weird because he views it more as trying to live up to a social script of what is “romantic”.

Communication strategies around relationship styles

In s11, Ian and Mickey’s relationship is very entwined, and, in comparison to Tami and Lip, for instance, they disclose a lot to each other. Ian asks that they tell each other everything, and although Mickey is more resistant to that initially, he becomes much more forthcoming with his feelings in s11 (around Terry, around moving to the West Side, around becoming a parent). 

While I appreciate Ian’s role in initiating more communication between the two of them, I felt sorry for Mickey in their initial discussion in 11x01 in re “monogamous or not”. The turning over the paper method is a pretty binary way to open up a discussion about a very charged and complicated thing. 

They do seem to complement each other in this regard though with Ian generally more keen to initiate conversation but also getting more trapped into binaries, narratives of normativity and should-stories. While Mickey totally still projects an image that is informed by local expectations around masculinity and white supremacy, he’s also a rule-breaker in many ways and doesn’t have the same desire to conform to what society perceives to be “normal” (thanks HoS), especially behind closed doors and within his relationship with Ian (“liking what I like don’t make me a bitch”).  @fiona-fififi had a really good point in the tags a while back about how Mickey’s investment in their wedding and its success might have spurred Ian on further to embrace more normative ways of doing relationships. This is super interesting, and also makes me think just about how being married itself prompts Ian to think about taking a more active role in pushing the relationship further up the relationship escalator and in pushing for more communication around these steps in general. 

There’s also something to be said about pressurising each other in 11x07, especially when they jokingly(?) threaten each other with sex with other men if both of them aren’t around. I doubt they were making these suggestions seriously but it definitely doesn’t strike me as the most consensual method of communication. But there’s parallels here with generally using sex as a bargaining chip earlier on in the season. Ian seems to do that after having exhausted his attempts at trying to have conversations around money/monogamy etc, as a tried and tested way of getting Mickey to engage with him. And it definitely reflects using sex with each other and sex/relationships with other people (e.g. s3 Angie/Ned, s10 Byron/Cole) as modes of communication in earlier seasons. It kind of makes sense that they still have these habits in s11 even if they are no longer the primary mode of communication. 

Ian and Mickey relied so much on implicit communication in the early seasons and they have highly developed nonverbal ways of communicating. I don’t want to say that either verbal or nonverbal ways of communicating are inherently better than the other. They seem to understand each other on a deep level, which is really cool, but people have pointed out can make them think they don’t need to verbally communicate when they do, because they assume that they’ll understand one another and be on the same page. It’s super interesting to see them maintain that deep connection and continue to use nonverbal cues while also adopting more explicit and intentional communication styles in s10 and s11. 

The windows of their relationship

The fandom is always bringing up how Ian and Mickey leave the doors open when they bang, lol, and also making fun of how much Ian overshares. I think this is v fair but it also strikes me as pretty healthy that he wants people to see into his and Mickey’s relationship, especially in his discussions with Lip. But Ian’s got plenty of people around him who can see and help when things get tough. 

In s11, it’s great to see Mickey get closer to the Gallagher family and see various members defending him or taking his side in arguments, but he definitely does have less of an on-screen support system than Ian. (I wish that they had developed his and Sandy’s relationship in s11). I think the aftermath of the City Hall incident in s10 really reveals this particular imbalance in their relationship. On one level, Mickey moves in with Byron as a reaction to being hurt and even maybe a strategy of revenge/manipulation, on another, he doesn’t really have anywhere to go aside from the Gallagher house when/if he needs to get away from Ian. Also, the way he retreats back to the Gallagher house when he can’t deal with the Westside is an interesting development of this in s11. 

Ian’s need to share stuff about their relationship is kind of exciting considering his history of being unforthcoming about his relationships (and his history of being in a lot of secret relationships), as well as how difficult he found it to talk about Mickey while Mickey was away. But there is a different problem with ongoing talk around privacy and boundaries here too (Mickey doesn’t want Ian to chat about how he’s not into rimming!). Although to be fair, Mickey also chats about a lot of explicit sex stuff with strangers. 

Although they do ultimately decide against pursuing the pretty inorganic way of making friends in 11x07, Ian’s desire to make gay friends who he can talk to about relationship stuff makes sense in terms of the way he has been pushing for a more intentional relationship with more communication and more explicit discussion and compromise this season (and last season too). It also intersects with an idea of him/both of them going further to embrace gay sexuality as an identity. 

It’s interesting that Mickey’s the one to initiate this decision through ribbing Ian about his relationship with Lip. Why’s Mickey doing that? Is it just to be a little shit or is he also trying (subconsciously?) to activate Ian in some direction? (And also, maybe there’s a parallel there to getting their apartment in the west side, where Mickey’s the one inadvertently introducing Ian to the idea by pushing for them to go play in the pool). 

-----------

There’s a lot here which is just scratching the surface of thinking about Ian and Mickey’s relationship in the context of these different sexuality and relationship continua. For e.g. it would be really interesting to think more about this stuff in terms of shifting sex roles and kink exploration. Of course it���s all up for interpretation and I am sure I am highlighting areas that I’m personally interested in and inadvertently projecting myself/my own preferences and styles into this discussion. Very down for disagreements and discussions if other people are interested and manage to read all of this, lol. 

[a-student-out-of-time]

Hey mod, I don't follow this blog ever since it started so maybe that's i don't get it but, why is the Hajime harem a thing? It feels really unnecessary to me and i really don't understand why it's there. It kinda makes it seem like all the girl will eventually develop a crush on him and that kinda just makes me 😐😐😐😐😐 (Sorry if i sound dumb here is just that harems in general just make me really uncomfortable and i find them to be kinda gross)

//You’re not dumb, don’t say that about yourself. It’s understandable if you haven’t seen things since the beginning, and I agree that a lot of depictions of harems in anime are pretty eh. A lot of anons use the term, but really, what I wanted to write isn’t a harem in the traditional sense.

//What I wanted to write is genuine polyamory, because I’m personally very tired of love triangles and I think the world needs more positive depictions of multi-partner relationships that aren’t just pure fanservice.

//For proper context, in the original timeline, after everyone woke up from their comas, Hajime, Mahiru, Hiyoko, Mikan, and Sonia entered into a big poly relationship, with Sonia also being with Gundham as well. It was based on the fact that he‘d gone to hell and back to help them all, both in getting them to escape the killing game and during their free time events when he really got to know them.

//This isn’t a case of, “Oh, I showed these girls basic human decency so now they’re all devoting their lives to me.” Hajime put his absolute heart and soul into saving everybody and helping them overcome their grief and reconcile during their time on Jabberwock. The girls also all had their memories from Hope’s Peak, when they were all close friends. After that reconciliation and time spent healing, they decided they were comfortable not only dating sharing a boyfriend, but also dating each other.

//In this new timeline, Hajime is still loves them all, but he’s also still struggling a lot of his own issues, including questioning whether or not he really deserves them all. And Chiaki’s answer to that is to try and get them all together again because she believes that’ll make him happy.

//And it’s not going to be all the girls- Akane, Ibuki, Peko, Kotoko, Yoruko, Emma, and Umeko don’t like him that way. For Iroha and Monaca, they’re more one-sided crushes than anything, and not even really on Hajime himself.

//Most importantly...well, I don’t want to spoil anything, but I promise that the implications of this sort of devotion will be thoroughly explored. I didn’t just throw this sub-plot in for fanservice or because I ship all of them, but because I have a lot of ideas for character and story development involving it.

[daemoninwhiteround2]

Omegaverse TimKonJay with, “Gee, Kon, your dad let’s you have two omegas” as Bruce cries in the corner about losing his omega son to a super of all alphas while Kon loves having two gorgeous omegas who could murder him at any moment but won’t because they love him. (Also thank you for blessing us with your writing. It’s amazing and I love you)

The first time someone expresses jealously over Kon's situation, Kon laughs so hard he chokes on his own spit. (It's a dude from ... college? Maybe they worked together? Fuck, maybe they were both students at Smallville High at the same time? Kon knows him well enough that not stopping to say hi would be rude, but not well enough that their small talk isn't awkward as hell. Because Jay likes to see Kon suffer, he walks away not ten seconds into the conversation; and because Tim absolutely loathes small talks, he follows after another twenty. The dude pauses, clearly gives Tim and Jay a once over, turns to Kon and with disdain poorly masking jealously asks, "How the heck did you manage to land two omegas?" and Kon instantly starts laughing.) The idea that anyone could take a look at either of them--sure, Jason smells of milk and honey and Tim has the stereotypical omega build, but Jason's taller and more muscled than even Kon is, and anyone who takes even a glance at Tim's eyes got to know that Tim is instantly in charge of whatever room he walks into--and think that Kon 'wears the pants' in their relationship is ridiculous to the max.

Hell, if it had been left up to Kon, he'd still be pining from the sidelines, paralyzed at the idea that even on the off chance that one of them agreed to be with him, he'd have to reject the other. And sure, Tim's been his north star ever since he was decanted, the foundation upon which Kon's built everything in his life, but Kon knows that's not the best start for a romantic relationship, especially one with Tim. Tim doesn't like it when people think too highly of him. He thinks that he's lied to them somehow, that he's going to inevitably let them down and they won't love him anymore.

(It's an unspoken agreement between Kon and Jay that should either of the adult Drake ever somehow come back to life, they won't be let anywhere even close to Tim. There's not a lot in life that Kon would go in debt to Lex Luthor for; for his omegas' sake, he wouldn't even think twice.)

As for Jay, well. Kon can think of a handful of people who aren't attracted to the big, buff, bad boy that beat the shit out of metas if he feels like it (and most of those are liars). He's pretty sure he's seen Clark checking out Jay's thighs. He's not ashamed to admit that his attraction had started out entirely physical, but then Tim and Jay had tentatively begun to mend the bridges between them and Kon wasn't about to let Tim go wandering off to meet with someone who nearly beat him to death (and Kon was there, and it still burns him, he should've been able to do something, should've been able to get up and help and not just lied there listening to Robin's heatbeat) and he'd insisted on coming along and so he's gotten to know Jay at the same time Tim did, and, well...

But lucky for Kon, Tim has stepped up, like he always did. Kon considers himself pretty knowledgeable when it comes to relationships--ever since he figured out that the asshole scientists who programmed the knowledge he was fed were, well, assholes and it was fine to be attracted to people other than omega women, he's made a project of fully exploring his sexuality.

Clearly, he hadn't done well enough, because when Tim came to him and gently explained polyamory his brain had kind of ... broken. And Tim had been polite enough--known Kon well enough--to let that knowledge settle in before he came to Kon and told Kon that he and Jay had been dating for a while, their heats had synced and while there were more than capable of getting through a heat with just the two of them, they'd talked and decided that if Kon was free....

It's not like it had been easy since then. Both Jay and Tim have been socialised to repress their emotions (thanks, Bruce, you're a great dad) and none of them are the most communicative people. But they try, they all really, really try, because it's so worth it, any vulnerability is always, always rewarded, and...

And, well, that's why Kon feels comfortable with coming to them, metaphorical hat in hand, and asks if maybe next rut they'd consider mounting him.

[writsgrimmyblog]

Rec List #1 Theme: 2018 Favourites

One of my fandom resolutions is to rec more in 2019. I’m going to post rec lists for some of my favourite Nick fics divided up by theme/content/ship or whatever I fancy throughout the year. It seems fitting that my first rec post of 2019 should be my favourite Nick Fics of 2018. If you’re interested in my Harry Potter themed recs, you can find them over on my other blog @writcraft under the tag #writ recs where I’m undertaking the same initiative.

This is by no means an exhaustive list - I’m limiting myself to ten recs per list and it is very difficult, I could have recced many more. I’ve read and enjoyed a whole raft of terrific stories and this rec list is simply based on my personal tastes which may not be everybody else’s cuppa. Please heed the content warnings the author has flagged on AO3 in each case, none of my recs include the content tags.

#1. Ten Track Sophomore Album by @junkshop-disco​ 

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 4,228

Nick has always lived in noise, been the cause of a lot of it, but one day a boy writes him into a pop song and the whole world dissolves into static.

It doesn’t happen like that, not that easy, not that linear, but that’s the heart of it, the soul, if these things have such a thing.

My Rec: The Nick fic of 2018 is undoubtedly the final installment of junkshop-disco’s incredible Doodle of a Surface Life but that has quite rightly garnered so many recs by now if any Gryles reader hasn’t yet indulged, run, quick, what are you waiting for? I love DOASL with all of my heart, but I’m also a sucker for angst and I wanted to highlight this equally terrific fic in my rec list. The structure of this story, in which Nick loses his ability to hear music, is so cleverly done. It’s a very skilled writer that can create an entire fic around sound and make it come alive, and junkshop-disco manages it brilliantly. The fic reads like music, even as it describes the absence of it and it’s a stunning piece of writing. If you like your Gryles contemplative and angsty with confident, lyrical prose, this is the one for you. Junkshop-disco has such a terrific way with words I highly recommend reading all the works by this author. Every single one. But when you do make sure you take a moment to stop by this beautiful story and leave it all the love it deserves.

#2. Tell Me It’s The Strongest Shape by @louandhazaf

Nick Grimshaw/Elgar Johnson/Louis Tomlinson | 73,224

Nick and Elgar have it all. They’re famous, successful, and engaged to be married—and sometimes they play with others.

When uni student Louis gets street cast by Elgar for a GQ photoshoot, he's drawn into Nick and Elgar’s complicated relationship.

They've always invited mates into their bed. It doesn’t ever mean anything. Until… it does.

My Rec: This is such a great exploration of polyamory and the complexities of open relationships, and the author took a great deal of time developing the relationships between the characters and really working on highlighting some of those difficulties. I tend to gravitate towards fanfic where I care deeply about the characters, and although Elgar seems terrific I don’t have the same fannish relationship to him as I do to Nick and Louis so I was curious to know how I would respond to this fic. Basically, the author killed it. I felt such a deep investment in Elgar, Nick and Louis throughout and everything just flew by as I was reading. It’s also really fucking hot. Like, REALLY. Brilliantly done. I loved it. 

#3. Let The Boys All Sing And The Boys All Shout For Tomorrow by @lunarrua​

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 18,429

It's February 1988. Thatcher is in power. There's a new drug sweeping through the clubbing scene. In Manchester, it's the eve of a major protest and a new musical movement. And when Nick finds Harry looking lost outside his favourite chip shop, it's the start of a weekend that will leave an indelible mark on both their lives.

My Rec: I saw the summary for this fic and actually yelled at my screen when it popped into my inbox. Gryles, set in Manchester in the 80s? Hell yes. The fic itself certainly didn’t disappoint, it’s absolutely beautiful. The author writes a well-researched, confident piece and the result is stunning. The atmosphere of the whole story is captivating and you can feel yourself transported to the heady days before the Manchester music scene shifted, the anxieties of the AIDS crisis and the fragility of the relationships formed during that period. The Harry of this fic has a transient quality which evokes the nostalgic reflection on a different time in our not so distant past. A real triumph. I loved this story with my whole heart. 

#4. Séjour by @silveredsound

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 6,288

It is so quiet, which should be conducive to concentration, but Nick is bored and listless and lonely. He’s been there for two days and wants to know where the helpful lady is who’ll deliver him a gamine but takes-no-shit housekeeper who he can fall in love with without words. Words are not his friend.

“Where is my Love Actually moment?” he asks the ceramic kitchen sink as he pokes holes in the cover of one of the M&S ready meals he brought over with him.

«≠»

Nick’s got writer's block. Louis is a master of distraction.

My Rec: I’ve loved a number of stories by Silv this year and I was swinging back and forth between this and others, but there’s something about this little fic that has wormed its way into my heart and has taken hold so this is the one I’m choosing. As I said in my earlier reblog rec, this has such lush, evocative prose it perfectly captures the sense of a fleeting summer. There’s a seductive quietness to it, and a lovely unfolding of the story through snippets of tasting notes left by Louis on bottles of wine and Nick feeling a little bit lost and searching for words as he struggles with writer’s block. Two boys find one another in the warmth of a sleepy French town and it’s beautiful. Really wonderfully done.

#5. Fists & Flowers ‘Verse by @jiksax

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 1,613 (Make It Worse) and 2,322 (I’ll Do What You Like (If You Stay The Night)

He’s looking at Nick with that soft, terrible look in his eyes, the look that tells Nick the two of them are probably something.

My Rec: If anyone other than Jiksa had told me they were planning an angsty fisting fic series I would have been like umm really? But of course, it’s Jiksa, so naturally I found myself sobbing at the raw, devastating intensity of the story. Jiksa deftly weaves the intensity of the physical act itself into the emotional tumult of Harry and Nick’s relationship in a way that’s incredibly beautiful. A bold, brave, superb piece of hot, confident writing, rich with emotional complexity. Gorgeous.

#6. Constantly on the Cusp by @shiftylinguini

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 6169

It’s 5 in the morning, and Nick’s got an alarm going off, an unexpected bed full of pop star, and a nation to wake up.

It’s far too fucking early for this.

My Rec: UNFFFFF. I love Shifty’s writing. Like, an obsessive amount. I was so thrilled when Shifty started writing Tomlinshaw I didn’t know quite what to do with myself. It’s actually hard to believe this was Shifty’s first Tomlinshaw, because everything about the fic felt like they have been writing them for years. Louis is sleepy, horny and pissed off, Nick is awake, horny and wondering what it all means, and together they have this scorching hot, sexy moment. Nick’s internal monologue  gives us so much insight into their relationship and the fic offers a lovely, warm, hopeful moment at the end. Fantastically written and a sexy delight from start to finish. Loved it!

#7. this cookie’s baking by @disgruntledkittenface 

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles (Genderswap Femslash) | 8,148

Harry’s eyes flicker between Nick’s eyes and lips. “I just want to be your–”

“Baby,” Nick says softly, cupping Harry’s jaw, “you already are.”

Nick and Harry have a long-overdue conversation.

My Rec: This was the first genderswap Gryles fic I have read and I absolutely loved it. The relationship between Nick and Harry feels so perfectly them and there’s a lovely warmth to the whole story. It’s light and funny but also contains moments of real emotional depth and those first time explorations and the hesitancy of admitting to being something more than friends is handled in such a terrific way. It’s a gorgeous story with wonderful writing and I loved every minute of reading it.

#8. let’s make some new rules by @camiii 

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 12,743

A coffee shop, a Christmas party & a fake date to make sure no one gets laid at the end of the night.

My Rec: This was such an enjoyable read. I love camiii’s Tomlinshaw, and seeing this pop up was a wonderful surprise. Barista Louis agrees to be Nick’s fake boyfriend as he pines over an ex that definitely isn’t worth his time, and they become closer in the process. The pace of the story is wonderful, the flirting is brilliant and despite some misunderstandings and Nick’s no good ex trying to fuck things up, the ending is warm and hopeful. A lovely story, full of festive cheer. Thoroughly enjoyable.

#9. I’ll be seeing you by @daretomarvel​ / renlyne

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 11,481

It’s 2028, and Nick’s bought a house.

My Rec: I love Ren’s writing and this Notebook inspired Gryles is a beautiful treat of a story, in which Nick starts buying little bits for his dream house. It’s hard to believe this story is just over 11,000 words because the world the author creates is so rich, detailed, layered and complex. The relationship between Nick and Harry has all of these gorgeous details and nuggets of history as it grows and develops, seedling-like, into something that might just be everything they’ve both been searching for. It’s a warm, hopeful, beautiful story but as it’s Ren, it manages to still tug at the heartstrings in the best kind of way. I read this again as I was putting my rec list together and did so with a lump in my throat, full of feels for the Nick and Harry of Ren’s universe. Gorgeous writing with bags of emotional intensity. I loved it.

#10. All I’ve ever had are love songs by @candybarrnerd / icarusinflight

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 21,688

Things are finally coming together for Nick.

Nick is the DJ of his uni's radio stations, and he passively aggressively dedicates a song to Louis.

My Rec: Icarusinflight is another author who was already on my periphery from Harry Potter fandom who wrote their first Tomlinshaw fic this year and I was so thrilled to see them writing in this fandom and I’m very excited about their upcoming 2019 projects which also includes fics featuring the 1D boys in various ship combos. I love uni AUs and I hadn't read one for a while, so this was such a treat. I loved how Louis is sharp, sassy and confident but with niggling insecurities. Harry was so affectionately humorous in this story and Nick’s voice is wonderful. This is a really well-paced, enjoyable story with a hot af first kiss that deserves a mention all of its own. The music references, the tea and the cameos from various 1D members are all terrific and the writing is brilliant. Can’t wait for more from this author this year.

Bonus Rec: I was meant to limit this to just 10 recs but I also wanted to give a quick shout out to @nightwideopen. I’ve said this in previous rec lists before, but I am constantly impressed by the quality of @nightwideopen‘s writing and the way they explore things such as asexuality and gender dysphoria which can be harder to find in a relatively small fandom. I’d particularly rec so far (it’s alright) and i’ve been thinking lots about your mouth from this year, both Tomlinshaw.

[eclecticminded]

Polyamory: The Talk

Part Three of my Polyamory story with Nick Amaro, Rafael Barba, and Sonny Carisi with Olivia’s nanny.

Part One and Part Two and Part Four and Part Five and Part Six and Part Seven and Part Eight and Part Nine and Your Wallet  

Sitting down and talking about boundaries with Nick, Rafael, and Sonny.

Warnings: None

Tags: @southsiderepresent @madpanda75 and @mimiashton

After dinner you started gathering everyone's plates. Sonny, however, refused and took them from you, going to the sink to begin running water. When you reached for the food dishes, Nick waved you away this time. Before you could even think about cleaning the rest of the table, Rafael shooed you to the living room.

“Fine,” you fake pouted and collapsed on the sofa dramatically.

“Containers for leftovers,” Nick called to you.

“The cabinet to the left of the sink,” you thought about getting up, but let them handle it. Sonny washed, Rafael dried and put away, and Nick prepared lunches for the next couple of days for you.

“You cooked, it was only right we cleaned up,” Nick lifted your feet and sat with them in his lap, rubbing them. Nick and Sonny pulled chairs from the kitchen to sit across from you.

“So  more about polyamory,” Rafael broke the awkward silence that had began to settle.

“Yes,” you exhaled, “there are so many different kinds. Triads. Open relationships. Hierarchy. Don't ask don't tell. Swingers. All kinds.”

“Go on,” Nick kept rubbing your feet.

“Triads are when three people are together. All three of them. Hierarchy is when there are levels to the relationships. Swingers are couples that swap partners and stuff,” you stopped and thought.

“I was in a traid in college. Dated this guy and girl who were already dating. Learned a lot about myself,” Sonny chimed in.

“I don't really like hierarchy, I personally don't think its fair” you shrugged, “there's honestly so many kinds. I'm not an expert.”

“So what arrangement do you want with us,” Rafael looked at each persons face as he asked.

“The freedom to explore my feelings for all of you. I don't want anything else right now. Just you three, however I can have you. Friend. Relationship. Whatever. Unless a beautiful lady comes along, then all bets are off,” you chuckle, “I'm only half kidding.”

“Well,” Sonny jumped in, “I want to see what happens with you. And since we're being honest, maybe explore the sexual tension I have with a certain ADA,” Sonny sat back in his chair smugly. You and Nick turned and looked at each other with wide eyes. Rafael stared blankly ahead blinking rapidly.

“I want to spoil you rotten,” Rafael winked at you, causing you to blush, and whipped around to stare at Sonny, “ and talk more about this sexual tension.”

“I didn't know I needed this,” you pointed between the two of them, “to happen. But I hope it does because OMG so cute,” your eyes were practically heart shaped and your smile bordering on creepy.

“What if we get together and it doesn't work and we still want to be with you,” Rafael shot back.

“Then you can be with me. But you'd have to be friends with each other, for my sake,” your hand flew to your chest.

“Sounds reasonable,” Sonny winked at Rafael.

“What do you want,” you lifted your foot and gently nudged Nick.

“Only you,” Nick shook his head, “But since that's not an option, I would want you. And be friends with them of course.”

“I want you all to be friends. Would need you all to remain friends for this to work,” you pulled your feet from Nick's lap and sat up.

“I get jealous,” Nick avoided looking at you.

“Me too,” you shrugged innocently.

“What,” Nick looked at you quizzically, as did Sonny and Rafael.

“I get jealous,” you repeated Nick's words.

“How,” Nick was confused, it was adorable.

“Real life example or hypothetically?”

“Both,” they all three said in unison.

“Okay so I used to get jealous of my ex when she'd spend more time with her other girlfriend and their boyfriend than she did with me. Talk about them non-stop but forget about me,” the memory was still painful.

“And hypothetically,” Rafael raised an eyebrow at you.

“I might get a little jealous if, for example, Sonny and Rafi went on a date. But I would be jealous in the sense that I would want to be going on a date. I would want attention. Their attention. Which would make me cling more to Nick while they're out,” you paused, “Or say Nick went to see Zara and spent time with Maria. I'd probably spend more time with Sonny and Rafi. Text Nick the whole time. Then fuck his brains out when he got back,” you realized what you said and looked at the floor.

“I can deal with that,” Nick laughed.

“You all know about Yelina,” Rafael's voice was low, “So I need open and honest communication here.”

“Absolutely. It's what makes this kind of thing work,” you agreed.

“Fine by me, I'm an open book,” Sonny adjusted in his chair.

“I don't want graphic details. Just the generals,” Nick shook his head comically.

“No graphic details. I got you,” you finally looked at Nick again.

“What are we going to tell the squad,” Sonny was the voice of reason.

“Liv already knows,” you chuckled.

“What,” Rafael practically shouted.

“She knows I'm polyamorous. She knows you guys fought over me. She figured it out before I did,” your chuckles died off when you realized no one else was laughing.

“Let's keep this between us for now,” Nick pleaded.

“Good idea,” you agreed, your nods joining Sonny and Rafael's.

“I'm gonna be blunt,” Rafael smirked, “You gonna want threesomes? Foursomes?”

“God yes,” you threw your arms out in excitement, “With willing participants of course.”

“I'm down,” Sonny winked at you then Rafael, you turned crimson.

“I don't know,” Nick looked uncomfortable.

“That's fine, no pressure,” you smiled reassuringly.

“Maybe you me and a girl. I don't know about another guy,” Nick smiled weakly.

“Fair enough, any other boundaries,” you addressed everyone now.

“Protection,” Sonny stated.

“Duh, I'll buy condoms in bulk,” you winked, “Plus I have an IUD.”

“I need to know when you go out with one of them,” Rafael looked directly at you, “So I'm not blindsided.”

“Done,” you nodded matter-of-factly.

“Nobody but the three of us. I can't handle anything else,” Nick hung his head.

“I can do that. You three are free to see others. I just want to know beforehand,”  you let out a long sigh you didn't know you were holding.

“Nobody else but you,” Nick caressed your thigh with the tips of his fingers.

“So are we doing this,” Sonny stared at you.

“Yes,” Rafael turned to stare at you as well.

“I guess,” Nick squeezed your knee.

“Yay,” you stood up and threw your arms open, pulling them all in for a hug.

“So who's gonna take you on a date first? We gonna draw straws,” Nick tickled you.

“I could draw a name from a hat,” you tapped your head like it was a brilliant idea.

“How about whoever has time first gets too,” Rafael was the voice of reason this time.

“Good plan,” Sonny agreed.

“When are you guys going on a date,” your eyes were heart shaped again, “I want all the details. I love love.”

“When we know, you'll know doll,” Sonny pulled you against his chest and kissed your forehead.

“Leaving already,” you pouted.

“Leaving to talk with me,” Rafael whispered in your ear when he pulled you close, “Let you know how it goes.”

“Fine,” you whined and Rafael kissed your cheek, following Sonny to the door.

“You leaving too,” you frowned at Nick.

“I could stay a little while longer,” he pulled you down to the sofa and against his chest

“You really okay with all this,” you peeked up at him.

“I wasn't sure at first,” he paused, “But after talking about it and hearing your reasoning, I'm okay with it.”

“Promise,” you smiled gently.

“Of course. Want you happy. I'll learn as I go, it could be fun,” he kissed the top of your head and got up to leave. You could get used to this.

[To Nick, Rafael, and Sonny 1145pm] I had an amazing night boyfriends!

[To Nick, Rafael, and Sonny 1145pm] Am I allowed to say that? It that what this is? I didn't make this up did I??? Oh no anxiety! :(

[To Nick, Rafael, and You 1150pm] Of course doll. I'm all in.

[To Nick, Rafael, and Sonny 1151pm] Yay!!!!

[To Rafael, Sonny, and You 1155pm] You're stuck with me princesa.

[To Nick, Rafael, and Sonny 1157pm] I am loving these new nicknames? Rafi you better come up with one too!

[To Nick, Sonny, and You 1200am] So demanding cariño. Where's ours?

[To Nick, Rafael, and Sonny 1204am] I have dirty nicknames waiting in the wings. ;)

[To Nick, Rafael, and You 1207am] Oh?

[To Nick, Rafael, and Sonny 1210am] You'll have to wait and see about those ones. Goodnight my darling boys.

[To Nick 1211am] Goodnight baby.

[To Rafael 1211am] Goodnight sugar.

[To Sonny 1211am] Goodnight honeybear.

[ From Nick 1212am] Goodnight princesa.

[From Sonny 1215am] Goodnight doll.

[From Rafael 1223am] Dinner Wednesday night? Goodnight cariño.

[vriskaserbet]

Far In Time.

Summary: Smack was once Victor and once, he was someone completely else, though the whole story is hard and long to track. Through three small parts, plus a bonus, one can get a glimpse into the life he (had) has lived through and begin to understand the bigger picture.

Rating: General audience.

Warnings: N/A.

Characters: Smack, Shelby, Pent, Gino, plus some OCs that are smacks family + shelbys parents!

Tags: Fluff, angst, humor, weddings, unrequited love (seemingly), polyamory, etc

Ao3 link: Right here! 

 From the very beginning of existence, his Desire had always existed.

He never pushed nor shoved, he simply gave a gentle, guiding hand upon the beings of Earth; regardless of their species or their makeup. Soon, he could see the effect of his presence upon Life’s creations. Curiosity began to make the foundation of each creature, as they explored the world They had all created.

When the humans began to flourish upon the Earth, that is when his Desire truly flourished. From the beginning, the humans were some of the most curious of all animals. Even at their earliest states, they had found unique ways to change their existence, to building, to invention, to experimentation, and shared it all with their peers.

He became quite famed among the intellectuals, those who debated in public, the scientists who tested abstract concepts, those who wrote books filled with all sorts of complex and detailed theories. They always looked upon him with great pleasure, even insisting he was the true measurement of a man, of an intelligent man; to have Knowledge.

                                                 October 25th, 1996.

After a final push, Victor Alifrazier is born into the world. Almost immediately, he let out a fierce wail, letting the entire cramped delivery room know of his arrival. The nurses and doctors laughed gently, placing him upon his mother’s bare chest. Margaret Alifrazier smiled, tears in her eyes, feeling his small hands move against her chest, still crying as the doctors began to quickly dry off his body with a towel.

She reached her hand out, giving just a small comforting rub to his head, mumbling absolute nonsense at her baby boy. It was only for a moment though, as they cut his umbilical cord, then took him off for quick tests. She rested, sighing with relief that it was finally over.

“I’m so proud of you honey, he’s beautiful,” her husband, Joseph “Joe” Alifrazier, gave her a kiss against her damp cheek. She lazily smiled back, simply waiting for when her son would finally be returned to her.

When he was brought back, he began breastfeeding, eagerly drinking his first meal. It was here she gasped, for when he opened his eyes for the first time, she saw a right eye of vibrant blue and a left eye of stunning green.

                                                  March 5th, 2014.

The Sonic he was going against was a tough one, playing an aggressive game. It was hard to fight back from how fast he was going, quickly attacking his character, then retreating back to go on the defense. Though, Smack wasn’t just any beginner Smash player. He spent hours training his game on Lucario, his current main. He stayed focus on the match, rapidly tapping the buttons of his 3DS as he continued the brawl.

“Y’know, Smack,” Gino began, adjusting his seat so he could recline back better. He had his window open, so he could blow out his cigar smoke easily. Their usual getaway driver handled the wheel, blending into traffic perfectly. “You did a good ass job today. But, I really wanna say, I like the way your brain works. I mean, who else can break into a building, sneak through that fuckin’ maze of air ducts, take out those guards, keep the ball rolling for an important heist… then immediately go to his video game without even breaking a sweat? A genius like you, no one else.”

Smack grinned. He had cracked the predictability of the Sonics’ movements and the flaws of his approach. Now, he had the upper hand in the fight, countering his attacks easily. It wasn’t long before he made Sonic lose one of his three stocks. “Thanks, Uncle Gino. But, it’s really all about experience and practice.”

“Though, you ARE a genius. Einstein is rolling in his dusty ass grave.” Pent said. As always, he had taken the right seat, Shelby taking the middle seat. They held hands, their engagement rings shining from the passing by street lights.

“I’m not a genius, guys.” He insisted.

Everyone objected to that, even the driver. Smack snorted, taking down another stock. He rolled his eyes, despite how his hair completely covered them from view.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop protesting. Thanks, means a lot.”

“No problem! You don’t need to be so humble, y’know! You really are smart.” Shelby said, reaching to his shoulder to pull him closer. It was an awkward position, his seat belt pressing into his chest and stomach, but he kept steady in Shelby’s hold as he finished up the match. Lucario posed dramatically, as the announcer declared Smack’s victory.

Winning another match, getting to practice more on his Lucario game, stealing an incredibly valuable set of jewels, practically cuddling with his best friends… now, that was Smack’s favorite kind of day.

                                                  December 5th, 1996.

In the weeks to come, Victor stayed surprisingly quiet. After his initial cry, he had barely cried again, especially at such a loud volume. Perhaps, Margaret was simply just experienced after raising twins. She just understood what he needed or wanted faster, this time. Her friends had theorized the second go at parenting always seemed to be easier and the parenting books seemed to agree with them. Of course, she wasn’t complaining, just curious of the way he never seemed to burst into tears like either of her twins had at the smallest of problems.

On the subject of the two, both had reacted well to Victor. Janya, the elder one, enjoyed talking and playing with her baby brother. Though, she was always more interested in his future, of finally getting to teach him all she knew or showing him her favorite movies. Johnny, the younger one, was the one who found joy in the quieter moments of Victor. He enjoyed rocking him to sleep, just getting to hold him, even reading stories to him. He was just like his father, who similarly loved every part of Victor’s development, every hard part of raising a little baby.

As the winter months came, the parents wrapped their baby boy in a blanket and held him close, as love filled the house.

                                                  February 14th, 2015.

The spotlight followed the newlyweds, as they made their way to the dance floor together, hand in hand. Everyone’s cheers and claps silenced, replaced by the speakers playing a soft, slow love song. Shelby and Pent danced like no one else were in the world, their gaze only on each other. Pent’s wedding dress seemed to sparkle in the light, with the long tails of Shelby’s tuxedo twirling around as she moved. It was only when Shelby dipped Pent downwards that they even looked at anyone else, managing to find Smack in the crowd.

They eagerly waved at Smack like the dorks they were. Smack waved back, hoping the lack of lights ensured they couldn’t see the thick tears on his face. Shelby brought Pent back up, continuing on their dance.

Gino, who sat to his left, offered him a tissue. Smack eagerly took it, wiping his eyes and blowing his nose as quiet as he could make it.

“…They look so perfect together…” Gino whispered out, a proud smile on his face. “I still remember when you were all little kids… playing your GameCube… drawing your little weird stories…”

“So, you mean we haven’t changed one bit?” They laughed quietly, silent again until the dance was finished. The venue erupted into loud cheers and cries, the spotlight shutting off as the lights all came back on.

Pent and Shelby walked, holding hands again, to the same row of seats where Smack was. It was where their immediate family members and close friends had been grouped together. As one would expect, Smack was placed right next to them.

“So! How’d we do?” Shelby asked, with a hopeful smile.

“Hmm… well, you finally didn’t step on Pent’s foot, so- “ Shelby gave an offended gasp, making all three of them burst into loud laughter. Nearby, he could hear Gino and Shelby’s parents laughing amongst themselves as well.

“I am SO kicking you out of our house, I swear to God,” she said it with a smile, well aware he was there to stay.

“You’re not going to move out?” Shelby’s mother asked, though her tone didn’t seem to be negative, only surprised. “Aww, I just knew it! Y’know, he,” she gestured at her husband, “was saying that you might move out after the marriage. And I said no, they’re too close! They’ve always been together! They wouldn’t let anything like this come in between their friendship. And look, I was right!”

Her father spoke next, with a sheepish look on his face. “Ah, I never said it to be rude, by the way. I was merely saying my concerns to her. Smack, you’re already aware of how close I view you. You’ve always been a wonderful part of my family, especially with how happy you make my little princess.”

Smack shrugged his shoulders. “It’s no big deal. Unless you have the strength of a hundred men, there’s no way you’re dragging me away from my best friends.”

His parents, who took the place Pent’s parents could’ve sat at, spoke up next. “And Smack can win any fight!”

“Hey, this is their day!” Smack replied, making the row burst into laughter. It was then for the couple to make a toast, so the conversation ended there, as they gathered everyone’s attention. Smack stared up at his best friends with a smile, his hidden eyes shining with love.

For as happy the day was, Smack felt a sense of guilt building up in his stomach. He kept everything hidden as always, under his usual smiles and attitude as he had been for countless years.

For he loved them so, so much.

  However, it was an incredibly foolish act to view his Desire as only a part of those groups of people. The snobbish perception that true Knowledge only existed within academia, with those of a certain “class” was a false one. He was in all humans, who uniquely used him as they saw fit.

The warriors drafted battle plans, engineered new weapons, hid in plain sight to gain secrets, they fought with everything they had learned until they were left dead on the ground.

The everyday workers, those who cleaned, who sold things, who greeted customers, who put away packages and everything in between; they found every little way to work faster.

Children explored their world, slowly learning their language and the motions to walking.

Mammals, reptiles, birds, all sorts of animals, while Life’s own creation, inevitably flocked towards him. Most with born with everything they needed to know, some even able to take care of themselves fully from the moment they emerged.

To every living being, he influenced.

                                                 October 25th, 1997.

“Happy Birthday, dear Victor!” his family sang to him, as Joseph presented a small cupcake towards him. He sat in his chair, his eyes focused solely on the single candle, the flame flickering.

“Happy birthday to youuu!” Everyone cheered, Janya blowing on her party horn loudly. Yet, Victor stared at the flame, uncaring of the cupcake.

“C’mon, blow it out! Like this,” Joseph blew softly, careful not to hit the flame. He still didn’t move.

Johnny snickered. “Dad, I don’t think he can do it. Maybe we should blow it out for him.”

Margaret nodded. “I think so too.”

“No way! He can do it! C’mon, like this Victor,” he blew again, frowning when Victor didn’t even move an inch. “Maybe he’s just stubborn.”

Victor started to move, raising his hand in the air. “Oh! See! I think he’s got it— “ Joseph went silent when, with all of his strength, he smacked the flame. It disappeared in an instant, causing him to look at his hand and the cupcake with a curious expression. Everyone blinked.

“My baby!” Margaret ran to him in fear, uncaring that the crowd around them began to laugh.

“Is he okay?” Joseph asked, while Janya and Johnny snickered to themselves.

“He’s a little smacker, isn’t he?” Janya said.

“Smacker sounds like a cute nickname.” Johnny said.

From that moment on, Victor began to be jokingly called ‘Smacker’ by his siblings. Within a week, it was shortened to Smack. His parents joined in on the joke, to the point where it ceased to be a joke, simply just Victor’s official nickname.

(Though, later on in life, especially in his early years of school, Smack had practically forgotten his legal name; confusing those around him as he introduced himself as Smack and wrote Smack on any drawing or piece of classwork or homework he did. His parents sighed, his siblings laughed, but in the end, Smack winded up becoming what he identified better with.)

                                                   October 31st, 2015.

“Have a Happy Halloween!” The trick-or-treaters thanked her as they returned to their parents and siblings, rejoining with the crowd of children across the street. Shelby rocked in her chair, smiling to herself. She rested a hand on her growing stomach, rubbing it gently. The three of them sat in chairs just outside their front door, so they could greet the incoming trick-or-treaters easily, especially for Shelby.

Like every Halloween between the trio of dorks and nerds, it was an excuse to cosplay. This year, they had chosen a theme, of Super Smash Brothers characters. Shelby went for Rosalina, Pent went for King Dedede, while Smack went for Ness. They kept their hair the same, keeping it somewhat casual for a simple Halloween night.

Though, their house didn’t exactly scream casual. The entire house was completely decked out with Halloween decorations, along with the front yard. One could only imagine the amount of pumpkins and ghosts inside, as well.

“Hey, Shelby,” Smack spoke up, twirling his baseball bat as he waited.

“Yeah, Smack?”

“So, I’m curious. When the kid is born, are ya gonna take them trick-or-treating or are ya gonna wait ‘till they can walk?” Currently, Shelby was five months pregnant, thus the trio had plenty of time to think of the future.

“Oh, I’m definitely taking them trick-or-treating! It’ll be so much fun! …Plus, I finally have an excuse to trick-or-treat again! Now no one can judge me!”

Pent snickered to himself. “I’m just imagining us fully decked in cosplay with this little baby in our arms, they might not even have teeth yet, and we’re just like, GIVE US CANDY NOW.”

Laughing, Smack added onto it, “And we’re just like, what? A small ass bag of M&Ms? THIS IS THEIR FIRST HALLOWEEN BRENDA, BE GENEROUS!”

“Don’t be rude, Brenda! They needs them king sized candy bars!” Shelby finished, causing all three of them to break into a fit of laughter.

Once it died down, Shelby spoke warmly. “Though… I really am looking forward to it. Having a Halloween with my little baby in my arms… showing them my favorite Halloween movies… making Jack-o’-Lantern’s for the first time with them…” she sighed happily. “It’ll be amazing. I can’t wait for it.”

Pent reached for Shelby’s hand, holding it gently. “Me to.”

Smack stretched out his arm, resting it on their hands. “I will personally make sure they watch Scooby Doo’s Night of Hundred Frights.”

“Hey! Stop using your powers in public, jackass!” Pent cursed, though Shelby just laughed in response. Smack pulled his arm back, with his usual grin.

“But, to be serious. I’m really happy I get to be a part of their life. I promise, I’ll always protect them.”

Shelby smiled sweetly. “You’re the best, Smack. Thank you for always being there for me. That’s why I’m always here for you to!”

“Of course! What are best friends for?”

Another group of kids started to head their way, so the conversation stopped there.

Through his smile, he wondered if his time to confess was slowly slipping away.

             He was running out of time. They all were.

His head was bleeding. His future vision wasn’t working. Everything hurt.

But he had to keep running.

They only had one shot at escaping.

 He could see it so clearly, especially when he used his future vision. The unlimited possibilities were quite overwhelming at times, but it always made him so joyful to see how far-reaching his Desire had become.

“You make me incredibly proud,” Life would coo to him.

“You’re so amazing,” Death would lovingly say.

Over and over, they would compliment him. He would wrap his first pair of arms around his lovers, using his second pair to hold their hands and typically, he would bring his third pair to his mouth to cover his embarrassed smile.

“It’s only because of your work, that mine can travel so hard.”

“You always say that.” One of them would complain, but enjoyed his close affection anyways, typically taking a break for quite some time from their jobs. 

[curtisandlewis]

Dino Paul Crocetti Profile

*Note: This was originally done in honor of Pride month. Since in a majority of my fics the characters don’t get to explicitly state their sexuality I wrote it down for you. Of course, when I leave it up to interpretation you’re welcome to think as you like but just know that 9/10 times Dean is anything but heterosexual. I may add more to this in the future. 

Sexuality: I write Dean Martin’s character as homosexual or gay. He has both a sole romantic and sexual attraction to men. He suffers from internalized homophobia (but harbors no homophobic feelings towards anyone else) due to childhood abuse and trauma. He self-identifies as heterosexual or “straight” Sometimes he understands that he’s gay and sometimes he doesn’t. The sex he has with women is purely physical and mostly used to secure his heterosexual identity. Sometimes especially in his youth he can be a bit of a hustler and use his appeal to women for material gains. Mostly he has extreme anxiety around women and can only relate to them by having sex. The minute he has to talk to them he’s terrified. The only woman he has ever felt comfortable around is Jerry’s wife. He has a major crush on her and loves her in his own way. Depending on the story they will have a sensual relationship and on very very rare occasions have sex while Jerry is present. Their relationship would fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy/polyamory but since it’s usually set in the 40′s or 50′s they don’t have the vocabulary. The only person Dean has ever loved is Jerry. Their relationship is very special because Jerry is not only his romantic and sexual partner but also his business partner, his Jewish mama, his son, his brother, and his truest and best friend. Dean’s love for Jerry is so powerful and absolute it scares him. He was taught men don’t share their feelings of affection and this causes problems in their relationship. Dean tries the best he can to communicate how he feels for Jerry through his touch.

Some of the sexual themes I have written about can be problematic and under the cut, I will explain. 

Dean is the most comfortable receiving oral sex from women but is reluctant to perform it on them. This has nothing to do with his sexuality or that he’s like “eew vagina!” he’s just really lazy. He would rather just lie or sit there. Jerry tries to break him of this habit. When they’re alone Jerry teaches him techniques and when they have group sex with women Jerry makes him show what he’s learned on a lady. I may never write a scene like this but just know it happens.

I sometimes write Dean as believing you are not a man if you not only enjoy being penetrated but are penetrated in any way by either a man or a woman. Dean will be COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS and be paranoid that Jerry has experimented by himself, thus encouraging his homosexual desires and tendencies. This is totally against Dean’s character. Dean would have no problem doing this with Jerry. The only anxiety he would have was over hurting Jerry because it would be the first time for both of them and of course Jerry’s back would be a concern. Dean would have some anxiety about being penetrated only because he’s a big manly top. And he would never give Jerry crap for experiencing that with a woman. I have anxiety writing scenes like that and instead of fading to black I came up with a system of rules that was never apart of their culture or was natural to their characters. I thought I could create conflict. I thought it would be an interesting commentary on how society affects sexuality. I created a BAD SITUATION. I’m sorry. Please don’t take anything Dean has said on this topic seriously.

YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX YOU WANT AND MOST CERTAINLY MASTURBATE IN THE WAY MOST PLEASURABLE TO YOU WITHOUT AFFECTING YOUR SEXUALITY JUST AS LONG AS YOU DON’T CAUSE HARM TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS.

I originally planned for the ending of “The Playhouse” to be Dean agreeing to penetrate Jerry some FIVE years after the story began. I now realize this will cause me to write nothing but HORRIFICALLY TOXIC relationships. First of all, Dean will have spent five years shaming Jerry and telling him he’s wrong for having those kinds of desires. That’s AWFUL. I’m not doing that to Jerry. In the future, I will write Jerry telling Dean he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants with his own body and he is just going to have to accept that and the situation will be resolved in the FIRST year.

In some fics, Dean and Jerry will practice Bondage, Domination, and Sado-Masochism. Though I may not always write it this way because there is an awful lot to explore when writing Dean and Jerry’s sexual relationship JUST KNOW that Dean prefers to be in the SUBMISSIVE role. As a man who has to be in complete control of his emotions and desires every day of his life, he is more than willing to give all of that control over to Jerry. For the most part, the BDSM aspect of Dean and Jerry’s relationship is pretty healthy. Both practice enthusiastic consent, use safe words often, and neither push each other’s boundaries or cross the other’s line.

If you know how Dean was in real life you know he was UNBELIEVABLY POSSESSIVE of Jerry and this caused some problematic behavior on his part. Their relationship wasn’t always the healthiest in the world. As a person who tries to write as close to the real life person as the story allows I had to reflect this in my writing. Just keep in mind its FICTION. Sure, find yourself a guy who looks at you the way Dean looks at Jerry but it’s probably a better idea to find one without all of the issues...        

[polyrolemodels]

Dalychia Saah of Afrosexology

PolyRoleModels: Alright, so thank you for contributing to PolyRoleModels.

Dalychia: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: Can I ask who you are?

Dalychia: I'm Dalychia. I'm a sex educator and co-founder of Afrosexology.

PolyRoleModels: Nice. Alright. Well let's get right into it. How long have you been polyamorous, or been practicing polyamory?

Dalychia: So officially practicing for three years, but always say that I remember being 14 or 15 or in a relationship with a guy. It was pretty serious. As serious as it could be at 14. And I met this other guy and I went back to my partner and I was like, I really just want to kiss this guy. Like I don't want a relationship with him, I don't want anything else. I just really want to kiss him. I remember in my mind thinking that there's nothing wrong with that. And my partner being like super heartbroken and felt like I was leaving him and cheating on him. But I also knew that I wasn't cheating. I would talk to him about it and I was like, if you're not okay with it, I won't do it. And if you are, I will. So I would say, I guess I just been poly, but officially practicing for three years.

PolyRoleModels: Okay. So what does your relationship dynamic look like?

Dalychia: So yeah, my relationship changes pretty frequently. So right now, no. When I first started, my partner and I were poly, no hierarchy, so I had other partners, he had other partners. Then we went to practicing monogamy and now we're practicing being open. And so allowing sexual encounters with other people, but not necessarily romantic emotional relationships.

PolyRoleModels: Okay. Makes sense.

Dalychia: Yeah. So I think for us it just is about fluidity and being open to moving, to forming a relationship to what we both need at the time. Things happen and you look up and there's a hierarchy in place and you try to figure that out, what that means with the hierarchy. And we look up again and we want to try something else. So just being really open to exploring and trusting that we are being honest and open with each other and that we can find the thing that fits right for us at the time that we need it.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. Awesome. Well what aspects of polyamory do you excel at?

Dalychia: I think I excel really well at the communication aspect. I think I'm someone who doesn't assume stuff. I'm someone who's a bit, not at as good ... well I don't like to say trust my body language reading a situation, so I'm constantly asking questions, probing, trying to figure out what it is that everyone's feeling about situations. And I want to talk about it all. And I know it can sometimes be draining. But also the external processor, it's really helpful. So yeah, I think the communication piece is what I'm good at.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Dalychia: Time management, right? So there's not a limit necessarily to love and these other limitless things. So like the positive feelings that I get from partners. But there is a limit to my time. And especially as someone who works a full time job and has my own business with Afrosexology, having multiple relationships and feeling like I'm able to give everyone everything they need to feel loved, affirmed, validated, valued, taken care of. It's hard. It's hard to do that and to find time for myself. I'm also an introvert, so I really value my alone time to recharge. And so yeah, time management is my biggest, my weak point.

PolyRoleModels: Okay. How do you address that struggle? How do you address or overcome that struggle?

Dalychia: Honestly, I take it really seriously. So I'm the kind of person like I'm not going to bring someone into my life, into a relationship if I'm not able to give them those things. And so my last partner and I having a very serious conversation about like this is really hectic right now and I'm not able to be a good partner, so I need to not be a partner. And that's being able to understand like this is just not working right now. So for me, the way I handle it is not, it's setting up expectations with people from the beginning, but also not bringing people in if I don't feel I can give them what they would require. What I feel I should be giving a partner.

PolyRoleModels: Okay, that makes sense. Alright. In terms of risk aware or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Dalychia: Yeah, testing, which we could always do more of. My life partner and I, we use like a fluid bond, and everyone else, we use condoms.

PolyRoleModels: Okay. And what is the worst mistake you ever made in your polyamorous history, and how did you rebound from that?

Dalychia: The rebound. I don't know about the rebound part. But I think the worst mistake I ever made was when I was non-hierarchical, trying to make sure that everything felt equal so I felt like I wasn't placing it in a hierarchy. So not listening to partners and basing the relationship off of what they wanted or what they needed. Like for instance having a partner who said I don't really need to talk that often, we don't need to hang out that often, we don't need to have sex that often, and not just listening to that, accepting that, and allowing that to be what it is. That I really focused on, no it has to be equal. It has to be equal to my other partners. We have to see each other more.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah.

Dalychia: We have to like do the things that couples do so that I know there's not a hierarchy and I know that you don't feel like you're a secondary, which is also not easy for someone who struggles with time management. So I feel like I should have just listened to him and what he wanted and what he said he wanted. Yeah, but not really allowing each relationship to take its natural form and trying to force it to be something that made, I guess that made me feel like everyone was good. And so just accepting that when people said they were good, they were good.

How did I rebound from that? I think now, I really do try to listen and I try to be really clear with what I am able to give someone. And when they say this is what they want or need, taking it at face value and understanding that every relationship is going to be different. Every friendship I ever had is different. My relationships with my sisters are both different. And that any relationships I have with anyone sexually, romantically, can be different and it doesn't make it any less official.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah.

Dalychia: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, definitely. I understand that. This one's an optional one, but I feel like you're going to answer it. What self identities are important to you and how do you feel being polyamorous intersects with or affects those identities?

Dalychia: Mm-hmm (affirmative)- so being black, and being a women. My primary identity is that usually through work around advocating for, I actually don't even think of poly as being that much of an identify for me. So when I met you, the space I met you, was the first time that I felt a sense of community and a poly community. And I think it was because there was a lot of black people there. I could be like, alright, cool. I don't have to like assert my blackness in this predominantly white space. I could put my blackness, like be okay with it and not like let that flag down and find comfort in my poly community.

I think for me ... so growing up, living in a capitalistic society, a consumerist society, an oppressive society, there are these ideas that there's a limitation to things that there is no limit to, right? So there's a lot of times I feel like white people feel that black people, or Muslim people, or immigrants, or whoever get, are also free that that means there's less freedom for them where there's no such thing as a limit to freedom. That like if, well if black people get justice than there's less justice for us or something like that. So for me, that concept is very much in our society where people are hoarding things that do not need to be hoarded, where people are fighting to have more of something and this idea that someone else needs to have less for them to have enough.

And I think similarly as I try to say, with poly there's not a limit to love. And so this concept that there is enough love to go around, there's enough freedom for all of us, there's enough justice for all of us. We don't need to hoard these things and act like loving someone else means that I have less love for someone else. Means that the love I have for someone else is a threat to someone else. And I think as a black person in America and as a woman in America, that I see that mindset of scarcity and I think control and power limitation applied to other aspects of my life. Like I said with freedom and all those things. And so wanting to get to a place where we understand there is enough of all of that stuff for all of us to be okay. So I mean, that's how it translates.

PolyRoleModels: Nice. And I don't like to do a whole lot of talking myself on these things, but I did want to say I absolutely agree with what you were saying about the amount of community that we found at that event last weekend.

Dalychia: Mm-hmm (affirmative)-

PolyRoleModels: And you weren't the first person to say that to me. I've been to a bunch of events and this is the first time where I've felt like, wow. I am surrounded by people of color. I am surrounded by black people. I can't just take a glance around the room and tell you how many black people are in the room. Which is something I-

Dalychia: Right.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah. I'm used to being able to walk into the room and saying alright, four including me. You know? And I couldn't do that this past weekend and that was sort of an amazing thing. I don't know if I'm even keeping this in the video. I might cut it out, but that level of community was really inspiring.

Dalychia: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: It's making me want to do more work including videos like this.

Dalychia: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Do it.

PolyRoleModels: And last but not least, do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc, that you are involved with that you would like to promote?

Dalychia: Yeah, so I am the co-founder of Afrosexology. We do pleasure-based sex education centered around the narratives of liberation of black people, in particular. We are helping black people to reclaim agency over their bodies. A lot of time in society we don't have agency over what happens to our body, how our bodies are handled. So having us reclaim that over our individual bodies so that we gain agency over political, economic, social, aspects of our lives as well. So yeah, check us out, we do a lot of fun work. It's sex-positive, it's pleasure-based, so helping people to envision what living your most pleasurable life looks like and your most healthiest and pleasurable relationship looks like. So afrosexology.com, we're on Facebook, we're on Twitter, we're on Instagram, I think we're on Tumblr. Everywhere.

PolyRoleModels: As Afrosexology on all of them?

Dalychia: Yes. So A-F-R-O-S-E-X-O-L-O-G-Y.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. Awesome. And thank you so much for taking the time and yeah, thank you. I really appreciate it and I know a lot of people are going to get a lot out of it.

Dalychia: Oh good. Thank you so much for including me on this project, Kevin.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, no doubt.

[ah17hh]

Trust & Poly: Need an "Am I the asshole?" moment via /r/polyamory

Trust & Poly: Need an "Am I the asshole?" moment

First, some context.

Long term relationship (over 10 years), young children. Partner (30s, F) has been struggling with depression in the last couple of years. I (30s, M) went through a really dark period of kink-shaming myself and thinking that my sex drive was a burden for her, especially during her own struggles. But eventually through forums and communities online, I started to finally be able to apply some labels to myself other than "deviant" and "perverted". It was a huge relief, and the guilt / frustration wasn't feeding back into our relationship.

Conversations with people moved from forums and communities to messaging apps, directly with individuals. Even though I made it very clear from the outset that I just wanted to discuss experiences and thoughts on kink (they would never see me or know my name, I had no intention of meeting with them or anything beyond chatting, etc), I soon realised that when these conversations involved women, I wasn't comfortable with this being something my partner wasn't aware of.

What followed was a massive, essay-style explanation of where the guilt and the self-shaming had come from, my commitment to being faithful and (at the time) monogamous, and that I'd primarily sought to alleviate the strain my curiosities were putting on her. She was supportive, it opened up a lot more dialogue between us, and she gave her consent for these conversations to continue and be of a sexual nature.

​

Fast forward a year or so.

We've always been a good team, our strengths and weaknesses tend to compliment each other well. The main exception to this is that we're quite different in how we show affection and what we need from each other (I'm the introvert, she's the extrovert). It's something we always work on trying to balance, and don't always get it right.

The idea of any kind of ethical non-monogamy crossed our paths via a documentary, and she's very quickly intrigued. Reading blogs, listening to podcasts, the works. She's the sort of person who gets really into an idea and dives straight in! She proposed Polyamory as something that might benefit us both: an opportunity for me to explore more kink-related relationships, an opportunity for her to get close to more extroverted people.

To condense a long process, we basically agreed that we'd explore it carefully together. Our first priority was keeping our relationship strong, and that we just wanted to expand our happiness both as a couple and individuals. Small, incremental steps; checking in with each other and making sure we were both comfortable. But even though we only went as far as exploring things online, we had a few wobbles; she'd get very excited and push further than I was, or that we'd discussed. It was a journey with ups and downs.

We'd started with the idea that she'd be exploring her bisexual curiosity, and (something I know can be a red flag to some ENM / Poly people) is that I wasn't yet ready for her to explore with other men. The reasons for that are long and complicated, but regardless, I had to be honest with her about it. We'd talked about honesty and transparency, and I couldn't lie. I repeatedly said that if she felt that it wasn't fair for me to explore things with women and her not men, then I simply wouldn't. I was happy to refrain from doing anything she wasn't cool with, because the point was that we were both comfortable. She still encouraged my exploration with other women, but I held back from doing so while we focused on her exploration with women.

A while back she fell asleep with her phone open to a messaging app (yes, genuinely), and I saw she was still messaging a guy. It was someone that she'd connected with previously during an "oops, I got too excited" phase, where she'd apologised and told me she was ending those conversations. And it wasn't just platonic. I read it - which I am still absolutely not proud of - but I already knew from that unlocked phone on the bed that she'd done something we'd agreed that she wouldn't. I needed to know what I was dealing with.

I was totally on edge about it for a day or two, and had no idea how to handle it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, that she was just letting her excitement overcome her willpower. That she wasn't trying to be deceitful or break my trust, and that she'd gotten carried away rather than intentionally breaking the rules we'd set at that stage.

So I steered a conversation around to talking about people cheating on each other, relating to what we were watching on Netflix. I talked about how you can't just self justify something behind your partner's back, that whatever you agree your boundaries are, you do it together. I literally gave the example that she wasn't unfaithful for messaging women, because we'd agreed on it together. And that it would be if she was messaging guys, because we'd agreed she wouldn't. That we'd set those boundaries together. That I was grateful that she'd agreed to them and I was thankful we could communicate like that.

She suggested we carry on watching TV and that it was just part of the show.

I had been waiting for her to be honest with me. The woman that I've trusted without question for over a decade; I was convinced she'd come clean when it clicked in her head. I literally didn't know what to do, so I waited until the next night. I was making conversation about the one woman I knew she was messaging, and then I just said "Is she the only one you're messaging?" in a friendly sort of "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" kind of way. She said yes.

I asked about specific women I knew she had been messaging previously. No to all of those. I moved onto "Anyone from <online communities> or anything?" and she mentioned that a random guy still emailed her occasionally. That seemed trivial in comparison, so I used it to follow up with "Oh, I didn't know you were chatting to any guys". And she said he was the only one.

Getting desperate to give her another opportunity to come clean, I specifically asked about the actual guy I'd recognised that she was messaging. "Oh, yeah, he messages me sometimes out of the blue and I'm just polite and friendly back". But I knew from what I'd seen that they'd messaged every day, practically. Quite flirty. She'd often message first in the mornings. Some sexual topics mentioned. So I responded with "Oh, OK. But nothing flirty? Nothing sexual?". She gave me a casual, breezy "no". This was a guy she had admitted thinking about sleeping with, when she'd told me she was ending conversations with guys the last time.

Eventually I got her to look me in the eye and answer direct questions to which I knew the answer was "yes", and she was still saying "no".

I told her what I knew. By that point I'd been stewing on it for a few days, and I was able to just stay calm and explain. After a few moments of a very quiet "I've been caught" expression, she broke down crying. She was apologetic, telling me how terrible she was. I comforted her, told her that we'd get through it, and that she wasn't a bad person. I held her and comforted her through a panic attack, and said that we'd be OK.

The next day I told her I was still on board with us exploring Poly, to try and bring more happiness into each of our lives and bring that energy back to our relationship. That what had upset me was her breaking the rules we'd agreed, and being so dishonest about it. That while she'd severely damaged my trust, I was still committed to making our relationship work. I was hurting, and I apologised to her that it'd take some time for me to feel as close to her as I had been; that I was sorry it might set us back in working on our own closeness, but that it was a consequence of her lie that she had to accept.

The acceptance didn't last long. Very quickly the narrative became that what she did was essentially my fault, and just a reaction to things she was unhappy about between us. She insisted we just "get over it" - glossing over the dishonesty - and go back to working on things as before. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do that, which has led to our relationship going rapidly downhill. I tell her that I'm finding it hard to work on things, when she continues downplaying lying to my face for the first time in our entire relationship. She focuses on what she did, rather than the dishonesty, and just treats her actions as part of our ongoing attempts to give each other the affection we need. Her implication is that I must not have been serious about Poly in the first place, or that my discomfort with her speaking to guys at that stage was unreasonable / oppressive.

Things are looking bad for us, and this unresolved issue is hindering all other attempts at healing in our relationship.

Am I the asshole?

Submitted July 25, 2020 at 10:59AM by ThinkingFarTooMuch via reddit https://ift.tt/3jDCvLa

[polyrolemodels]

Ed Avery-Natale

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

My answer to this is twofold.  I have been practicing polyamory in some way for 3-4 years.  However, I would, secondly, argue that I have always been polyamorous but that it took me a long time to develop the language for that and the courage to admit it and bring it up to my partner.  The first time I remember consciously having feelings that I would now label as polyamorous, I was about 13 years old.  At the time I was dating someone and my good friend was also attracted to her, and she to him.  Knowing this, I thought it perfectly natural that they should make out and saw no reason that this should be a problem.  It took me over two decades to work through these thoughts and feelings and to make peace with them, but they were always there.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I live with one "anchor-partner" (plus a dog and three cats) to whom I am legally married.  We each have other partners.  I have three other partners, two of whom I have been with for over a year and one of whom I have only recently started dating in the last few months.  My anchor-partner two other partners.  We find it exciting and valuable to find love both within and outside of this anchor relationship.  Our other partners also all have other partners, and so on.  We all like to hang out with one another sometimes and prefer to see our multiple partners get along when possible.   For me, freedom and autonomy are pivotal components of my life, and this transcends just my relationships.  However, it is essential to the relationships that I enter into. With this in mind, I strive to minimize the levels of control that people have over me and that I have over others.  Though some boundary setting is necessary, I truly believe that people should be as free as is desirable to them, and for me that is highly desirable.  This certainly impacts any relationship dynamics I may have.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Related to the above, I excel at being uncontrolling; allowing others to be free and autonomous individuals, which is important to the ways in which I wish to practice polyamory.  I find it is easy to let my partners practice whatever level of freedom and autonomy they wish and I rarely take personally their need for freedom or independence.  I also find that I am very compersionate and that I really do find happiness in my partners' happiness.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Time!  Though I have been getting better at this, I have at times been dating so many people that I was perhaps not giving adequate time and affection to some.  I have been better at dealing with this but it can still be a struggle, especially because I get very excited about meeting new people.  I find discovering new people and partners, getting to know them, exploring the relationship to be interesting, exciting, and rewarding.  At times, I have struggled to maintain the balance between this and providing adequate respect and attention to the people I am dating.  

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

At this point I have reduced the number of people I am dating and have chosen to focus on the few relationships that have lasted an extensive period of time, that I am especially excited about, and that are going especially well.  Because I have the kneejerk desire to meet new people, I have to be conscious of not over burdening myself with obligations.  This has become easier as I have settled into some good and longer-lasting relationships. In addition, I have a history of struggles with depression and anxiety and learning to deal better with those has helped me in this regard.  Firstly, as an extrovert, being active with people gives me energy and thus being constantly engaged in new, energetic interactions alleviates my depression.  However, this can also lead to a level of disrespect for the people I interact with; after all, human beings in my life are more than just an anti-depressant; they are living, breathing, creatures deserving of all the respect and dignity that comes with being such a thing.  Therefore, I have had to learn new coping techniques that allow me to better deal with such things.  My anxiety issues have also been a problem in the past because I felt like I had to do everything all the time, and I felt deeply anxious about disappointing people.  Therefore, if I was asked to do something it was very difficult for me to say no.  This sometimes led to, ironically, disappointing people even more as I tried to do too much, leaving too few people, myself included, really satisfied.  Learning to deal with these things has helped a lot and has allowed a smaller number of positive relationships to blossom.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

This begins with my anchor-partner and I, with whom I have been fluid bonded for an extended period of time.  For the most part, we use barriers with any other partners.  However, we do consider fluid bonding with other partners as an option.  In this context, we discuss it with one another and with the partners we may fluid bond with, agree to all get STI tests before hand to know where we stand heading into it, and agree to inform one another of any unbarriered sex (intentional or otherwise) that we have with others who have not been discussed.  

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

I think that there are a lot of different stories I could tell about this.  However, what many of them would share in common is that at times I have worked to alleviate or accommodate the needs, anxieties, and desires of my anchor partner while paying inadequate attention to the ways in which these might conflict with those of my other partners.  This is something that I am currently actively working against through conversations with all my partners and practicing the courage to bring up things, especially with my anchor partner, that may make me nervous for fear of conflict.  At least some of this would be rooted in my anxiety and depressive disorders.

Beyond this, I also made the mistake of not being honest with my desire for a great many years.  To some degree, this was inevitable: I hadn't properly developed the knowledge of non-monogamous options and so I assumed everyone struggled like I did, that everyone was always developing feelings, sometimes strong ones, outside of their relationship, that everyone wanted to be with other people.  The persistent nature with which this was happening led to conflict in my existing relationship for many of the normal reasons that monogamous people experience conflict when an individual develops feelings for another person (especially when I insisted upon being open and honest about these feelings while not really understanding why they were problematic to other people in my life).  

I don't want to think about doing better about this (or other issues) as "rebounding" though.  Rebounding implies to me that I am all better, recovered, etc.  On the contrary, I would prefer to think of myself as being in a constant state of improvement.  I will never be perfect, I will never be complete, I will never be done.  I have not "rebounded" and there is no backwards motion as the metaphor implies.  Instead, I strive to always move forward in some way, even if I do not always live up to this goal (and I'm sure my partners would tell you that sometimes I do not).

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?

I have literally spent time studying identifications for a living (I have a Ph.D. in sociology on the topic), so I could go on about this for quite a long time.  However, I will keep it short for now.  Some of the identifications that matter most to me include...

Punk: I first became interested in punk rock music around 15 years old and I am not exaggerating when I say that it has had one of the most profound influences on my life of any identification I might maintain.  There are virtually no parts of my life, including my non-monogamy, that have not been influenced.  In fact, through the political, radical, and anarchist wings of punk, I was first introduced to non-monogamy.  This was first in high school when some punk friends were practicing "open relationships."  Though, as I understand it, this was not being done in the same way that we are practicing polyamory today, this was an introduction to the idea. Anarchist: Without getting into too much political theory, I am an anarchist (though I do not consider myself a relationship anarchist for many different reasons).  Though I think I have always been a highly autonomous person, anarchism (which I was introduced to through punk) really stoked this tendency.  Furthermore, anarchism encourages thinking outside of the box in many regards, including relationships.  After all, Emma Goldman expressed non-monogamous desires! Atheist: I doubt that god or anything supernatural exists.  I also doubt that there are any "absolutes" in the world of ethics, and this allows me to explore more possibilities than those that might be "allowed" by the moral impositions of religions or other externally imposed doctrines, such as some philosophies or ideologies (though, to be clear, I don't have a problem with religious folks; I'm not a Richard Dawkins-esque asshole).  Rejecting religion and god in a town and family where god was presumed to be real was related to questioning a great many other assumed realities.  This easily connects to the questioning of the predominant relationship structures (especially monogamy, but also many of our cultures romance myths) of our society and why I found them difficult to comprehend in a way that worked for me. Urbanite (city dweller): I grew up in the suburbs but dreamed of living in the city.  The energy, culture, diversity, and freedom of cities appealed to me from the time of being a very young child.  Today, living in a city opens up possibilities for romantic and sexual relationships that are outside the norms that I saw as perpetuated by the strictures of white, middle-class suburbia.  My experience of suburbia was one of confinement, conservativeness in all its forms, control, homogeneity, and boring normality.  The city represented (and continues to represent) for me the opposites of all that.  This makes it fit well with my polyamorous identification.  I also find it easier to meet people who are non-monogamous or generally non-conformist in cities and subcultures.

Sociologist: I have a Ph.D. in sociology and have also studied philosophy in depth. It would be difficult to study topics like these without challenging the predominant hegemonic assumptions of our society, whether these be white supremacy and racism, patriarchy and misogyny, heterosexism and transphobia, or any others.  Though it would be far from the case to say that all academics become radicals, academia suited my already existing radical tendencies well.  Sociology also introduced me through books and lectures to alternative ways of life and helped me develop the critical thinking skills to assess and understand these with less judgement, which naturally led to a desire for less judgement against myself.  Ultimately, the critical thinking skills I developed in academia made it easier for me to eventually, slowly make peace with my own desires, including those that are non-monogamous and not-entirely-straight.  It has also allowed me to articulate these more clearly to others and to hopefully help others understand me better.  Though I am no longer a full time academic, I think this identification is pivotal to understanding me.

https://yesallmen.blogspot.com/ https://www.amazon.com/Ethics-Politics-Anarcho-Punk-Identifications-Philadelphia/dp/1498519989

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