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v-a-l · 3 months ago

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Hi! I was just thinking about what made Hermione come to the conclusion that Sirius wants to live through them. Now I last read OOTP a month ago, but I can't remember anything from the conversation that suggests that he wants to live through them, he only said that they should know how to defend themselves because of the environment that will come and that is why the DA is a good idea. And even if Hermione was influenced by Molly during the summer what makes her think that the DA is a bad idea after Sirius says it's a good idea? He gave valid reasons why it is a good idea. Hermione is very smart but this scene just felt and she felt ooc here.

I know that sometimes JKR used characters like Hermione and Dumbledore as spokespersons about what she wanted the audience to know that's why we get Hermione saying that but if that's what she wanted us to think, she did a poor job because Sirius actually kind of right and it makes Hermione look biased against Sirius.

Same with Dumbledore in that conversation with Harry after Sirius's death and it sucks. She wanted us to think Sirius saw Kreacher as inferior because of his species but that's not true at all. Now, some scenes with Sirius and Kreacher made me uncomfortable and I am not going to lie about it. But Sirius hated Kreacher because he was a part of his abusive childhood and repeated the same bigoted stuff his family thought and let's not forget Sirius only got violent with him when he called Hermione a slur. So Dumbledore saying that just feels so ooc because usually he is so wise (but once i read a meta about him seeing Sirius as Grindelwald and thinking by that meta it gives us an interesting perspective about this conversation as well).

Sorry this is getting long 😅. Anyways my point is that none of it makes any sense. It is clear that JKR was biased against Sirius and to show that she brought two other characters down (though these moments can be seen as interesting flaws in them)

Have a lovely day! (Sorry about the long ask, I hope it makes sense)

Honestly, while JKR is a brilliant writer, I also find her fairly reactionary in her writing style. Sirius was one of the most popular characters in the story because she wrote him that way, he inadvertently became more popular than a lot of other characters she preferred because again, she WROTE him that way. Perhaps the creation of a character as multi-faceted and dynamic as Sirius is was entirely by accident, as she really seems to double down on the character assassination as the books go by, but regardless, there's little in the way of canonical proof to suggest that Sirius is trying to live a vicarious life through the kids. Especially cause he's the one who seems to understand what they actually need after all they've been through instead of just patronising them.

Sirius is the only one who takes Harry seriously, he is the only one who tries to not just physically be there like the others, but actually also provide emotional support. He's constantly been doing this since he escaped Azkaban, and at this point, both in the case of Harry generally, and the Weasleys specifically when Arthur was injured, he's repeatedly looking after others at his own personal cost. He gets Ron an Owl, almost tells Harry how to beat a dragon (and that's the kind of stuff Sirius Black simply just goes around knowing, how to take down Dragons), gets Harry his firebolt and Hogsmeade slip. Sirius is generally an emotionally intelligent person, and this is after 12 years of forced isolation from civilisation.

The tragedy of Sirius' arc in OOTP is that there's no one around him who can relate to his experiences. This makes it impossible for Sirius to find the kind of empathy and support he needs from the members of the order. By OOTP, Sirius' mental health, whilst constantly deteriorating is also displayed on technicolour before the entire cast. He's not allowed any secrets, his abusive childhood, his unprocessed grief, years of dementor and solitary confinement related trauma, the fact that he lost his entire twenties, his burgeoning alcoholism is all on display and not spared judgement from the self-righteous members of the Order who did not support him at 21 and are not going to support him at 33.

Furthermore, the narrative repeatedly validates him. He insists that Harry should be told the truth, and he's right, he insists that he can do more instead of just being locked up and left alone and he's right, he wants Snape to restart Harry's lessons and he's right, he repeatedly and actively disagrees with Dumbledore's opaque methods and again, he's right. He gives Harry the two way mirror because Harry needs him to be there, and as Godfather, it is Sirius' responsibility to find a safe way to ensure that happens.

Whilst he's not at his best, he's still trying, he's trying so hard to be what everyone needs him to be even when its contrary to his own instincts and emotional needs which are either dismissed entirely by the people around him or mocked with derogatory catchphrases like "fit of the sullens" that its genuinely heartbreaking that despite him going out of his way to help the Order, not only is his devotion not returned it's barely even acknowledged. They never try to acquit him, there's no mission run by the Order to try and recapture Peter or get Sirius a trial or even an opportunity to give a press conference (which, with the political climate in OOTP would actually be a great way to discredit the ministry), Dumbledore pretty much just locked him in and threw away the key, a circumstance not entirely different from the past 12 years of Sirius' unfortunately short life. An acquitted Sirius would mean a discredited justice system and ministry and also a powerful wizard to run missions again, but this prospect is not even brought up let alone addressed. He gets a posthumous consolation through a footnote in the Daily Prophet, like that could compensate for the trauma and the decade he's lost.

I think it's very binary to put people into boxes and go "this person is only these set of traits and that's all they can be." Sirius is more than his grief for the Potters and love for Harry and years of isolation and torture. He's a brilliant detective, one of the order's most powerful duelists, someone who is blatantly not afraid of calling people out, be it Walburga or Crouch or Dumbledore, someone who despite growing up in a cesspit of bigotry and violence fights for people like Lily Potter and Remus Lupin and Hermione Granger. The guy who barely tolerates Kreacher but is distasteful of Crouch's treatment of Winky. Sirius, like most people, comes with facets and is possibly one of JKR's finest creations. Not that she seemed to realise it herself.

Not that that's surprising.

The most interesting thing about Sirius and Dumbledore, and Dumbledore's repeated refusal to trust Sirius is that unlike pretty much everyone else in the order, Sirius knows that Dumbledore and Grindewald used to be friends. Lily wrote it to him and Sirius read it. If Sirius could figure out the GoF plot while being half starved to death and living in a cave, a free healthy Sirius with a very much alive James Potter would probably have put the whole plot together. I wonder how much that influenced their dynamic in OOTP because whilst the others have nothing on Dumbledore, Sirius does. If Sirius can spare Dumbledore his judgement despite knowing the truth, Dumbledore can get over Sirius being a Black.

#sirius black #albus dumbledore #marauders #harry potter #Order of the Phoenix #I no longer remember how to tag

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becauseicantthinkwritings · 1 year ago

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Never Quite Enough

Part 5

Billy Russo x Reader

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Warnings: Angst, insomnia, more angst.

"Can I confess something to you?" Matt asks.

You look up from your phone in surprise, blinking like a deer caught in headlights. He's dressed in his crisp white shirt and suit pants, his jacket somewhere nearby.

He looks pristine, but you know you prefer his undressed look even more, the sight of his bare chest was a soothing balm on the open wound that was your life.

You wait patiently for his words.

"I think... he really likes you. Genuinely."

You let out a long sigh.

"That sounds like his problem. I am done with him." You say quickly, on a harsh breath.

"Are you?" He challenges, with a calm tone.

You swallow, honestly, you didn't know.

It's been weeks. Nearly a month and a half since you broke up with him, the same amount of time you'd been together.

Why was climbing out harder than falling in?

Something tugs in your chest, you let out a soft breath. You feel bad for letting one person comfort you for another person's actions.

"Matt." You say his name slowly, looking up at him, the space of his countertop between you.

You swallow.

"I'm sorry." You finally say.

"What for?"

"If I've- lead you on, or made you feel uncomfortable- please just tell me. I'd rather you tell me you're tired of me, than being forced to tolerate me."

He lets out a harsh breath, moves around the counter swiftly.

Before you can process it, your face is buried in his clothed chest.

He smells like the gentle lavender soap he uses, and you're too stunned to do anything other than breathe it in.

"You're not leading me on. I promise, and I'm not just tolerating you. I like you."

A little sob hiccups from your throat, the strength of his adoration pours into you, fills, overflows.

"I've been tolerated my whole life." You say into his chest, tears falling freely, "The first time I felt like I could exist was with him, and even that had been a lie." You grip the back of his shirt, sobbing into his chest.

He shushes you softly, his stubbled cheek pressed to the crown of your head.

His body tightens around you, it makes you feel worse, like you're forcing him to comfort you in some way. You cry harder.

Matt holds you through it, and when your violent shaking turns into little hiccups, he leans down to kiss your forehead, his thumb swiping at one cheek, to push your tears away.

"He's hurt you so badly, and It's up to you to decide whether that damage can be fixed or not. But you need to know that you're not tolerated, you're appreciated. By me...and by him."

"How do you know?" You protest, looking into his unfocused eyes.

"I heard him say it. To his friend, Frank, that day at the gala. I heard him tell Frank that he loves you."

You blink, drawing your head back in shock.

Love?

You sniffle, Matt's words have knocked the sadness right out of you, replacing it with surprise.

You reach for a tissue sitting on the countertop.

"That can't be right." You hum, wiping at your nose, and dabbing at your cheeks. You'd have to re-do today's makeup before work.

"His actions were awful, and the things he did do not deserve forgiveness. But his feelings now are genuine." Matt says.

Now?

Your shoulders drop.

They hadn't been genuine before?

When he'd offered you one of his shirts to sleep in, on the very first night you'd slept over, the hidden eager look in his eyes... that had been fake?

Of course it was, your mind supplies, you feel like you're sinking lower with each thought.

Like a full tub being emptied, you feel the emotion drain right out of you.

You spend a solid moment like that, in disbelief at the emotion just leaving you, rejecting Matt’s last words without another second of consideration.

You part your lips, finally sucking in a deep breath that doesn’t hurt.

Your mouth parts wider in relief.

For the first time, you feel true nothingness, and not the numbness of the refusal to process emotion that you were used to.

It's liberating, you close your eyes in bliss.

Somehow, you'd managed to turn your turbulent emotions off.

Like a switch, flipping inside you, centred around your confused feelings. Your brain doesn't know how to feel, so it stops feeling.

You know Matt wasn't the type of man to lie to you, it wasn't even in his nature to stretch the truth. He was a man that could only speak fact, and something said with this much surety could only be true.

But that didn’t mean you were capable of accepting his words. Instead you smile at him, wiping at your tears.

“I should get to work.” You respond, looking up at him with a small smile on your face.

The world around you is interesting, when you can’t feel a thing. Nothing matters, at all.

You smile at Dex easily, engaging him in conversation, a past version of you would probably be feeling absolutely hollow inside. Instead, you simply exist, only answering questions when you’re asked, smiling along to small talk.

There’s no sadness, or despair, or hate for yourself.

There’s nothing.

And nothing had to be better than everything all at once...right?

It’s peaceful now, your work gets done much faster, headphones on to help you focus, you feel like pushing yourself to see how much you’re capable of, only stopping for a few short breaks throughout the day.

It feels good, getting things done ahead of time, it makes you feel like you’re being efficient in a space you’ve only felt desolation for a long while.

You only realise how late it is when the night cleaning crew shows up.

Only then you decide to amble on home, a bowl of ramen in your arms, tucked into your couch in the dark of the night before bed.

You don’t see Matt that night, probably busy at his own job, and you’re okay with that, knowing that you shouldn’t be using him as any type of emotional crutch in the first place.

The problem comes when you try to go to sleep.

You find that you can’t, you don’t feel sleepy.

You toss and you turn and you sit up and you have tea and press the heels of your hands against your eyes and struggle with being awake when you should be asleep.

You have nothing to help you sleep, so you curl up in bed and close your eyes and pretend that you’re asleep until morning when your alarm goes off for work.

Silence and nothingness are your associates now, and however inconvenient, you prefer it to whatever was there before.

He loves you, your mind tries to interject during your morning routine, and you stop comically while brushing your teeth to stare dead ahead at yourself in the mirror.

Love… I barely know what that is, you answer.

You resume brushing your teeth.

You’re acutely aware that at some point, you’re probably going to crash. People aren’t made to be awake for long periods of time and feel this fine about it.

Being at work is pretty okay, and you don’t feel like ripping your hair out at the first inconvenience.

It’s your second day of working late, and you’re dealing with it well. You’ve put your phone on do not disturb and with your headphones in, you’re lost in your own world of report reading and analysis.

Really, you should have known that letting your guard drop would tempt fate too much. The fickle way life tended to work around you should have had your walls up permanently.

But in your exhausted state, leaning against the wall gripping your bag with one hand while waiting for the elevator, it was hard to keep any sort of defense up.

So when someone says your name in mild surprise, the only response you can give is a raise of your head.

He looks as exhausted as you feel, and you wonder if he sees something similar in you. His jacket folded neatly over one arm, phone in his palm.

“Hey Mister Russo.” You say softly in greeting, straightening to take a step into the elevator.

He doesn’t say anything for a second as the doors close.

“It’s late.” He comments, and you turn your head to glance at him.

“Yes it is.” You agree, unable to stay steady on your feet, you lean against the wall of the elevator too.

“You look tired.”

You let out a slow breath.

“I’ll live.” You answer.

“We should talk.”

You groan, tilting your head back.

“You’re making me wish I’d taken another elevator.”

“Let me drive you home.” He answers as if you hadn’t just expressed your distaste for him.

You raise your head to look at him angrily.

There were so many things you wanted to say. Leave me alone. Take a hike. I don’t want to talk to you. I’d rather chew nails that get into a car with you. Why are you looking at me like that? Do you love me?

In the end, you say nothing, and the doors to the elevators slide open, and you step out without even a goodbye.

The lobby is quiet, dimly lit, very much somber and lacking the life that there usually is during the daylight.

You only get a few steps out of the elevator before he’s blocking your path with his tall frame.

You huff, looking up at him, willing him to go away.

“Can we please talk? Please?”

You were so irritated with having to experience him and his constant persistence of you. You blink, angrily clenching your teeth together.

“Why? Why should I even give you a chance, Billy? So you can lie to me more? Hurt me more? What’s it going to take for you to realise that we’re over?”

He lets out a sharp breath.

“We have something. You know we do. There’s a voice inside you that tells you we’re right for each other. I hear it too.”

“You’re wrong,” You answer softly, “There’s no voice.”

He shakes his head.

“Don’t lie, don’t act like-” He cuts off, letting out a slow breath.

“Like what?” You prod.

“-Like you don’t care!” He hisses, “Stop acting like this was nothing.” He says, gesturing to the space between you.

“This was nothing.” You clarify.

He looks frustrated, all you can do is observe him with a casual tilt of your head.

“What you did was unforgivable. What could you possibly want from me now?” You follow up, after he’s unable to speak.

“Another chance.” He utters.

You raise your eyebrows.

“To do what?” You felt like you had to break this down for him like a child.

“To prove to you that my feelings were real,” He takes a step forward, getting closer to you and forcing you to tilt your head up to keep looking at him.

“To show you that I think you’re the best person on the planet. That we have something,” Billy’s hands raise to cup your face, his eyes dark, a void pulling you in, “worth fighting for.”

He leans in, and it only just registers in your tired brain that he’s going to kiss you.

“I have a boyfriend.” You whisper out in a rush in an effort to deter him.

His only response is a small smile.

“Break up with him.” he answers simply as his mouth meets your in a soft kiss.

It melts you, like it usually does. His bearded face creating tingles as it scratches against yours and for a moment you feel so whole.

And then you’re pushing him away, because you don’t deserve this, because you are not someone you believe is worth fighting for.

“I’m sorry.” You murmur, unable to meet his eyes, “I just don’t believe in us the way you do.” You step to the side, and dodge his hand when he tries to grab your wrist.

He calls your name behind you as you leave, the sound is soft, pleading.

You don’t look back.

When he touches his lips, he can still feel you there.

Like you own his mouth, and now every kiss is yours, and every smile is for you.

He needs you, so badly that it hurts him.

There’s also a sober part of him that wishes he had the capacity to leave you alone, let you heal from him, leave him behind and move on with your life. But the selfish part of him, the part that fought for scraps in a house of too many people, that part of him clings to the love he has.

In many ways he’s still a child, he acknowledges, always quietly hoping that someone could want him, listen to him, talk to him about every useless topic on the planet.

He’d found that in you. Someone to listen to him, not just give a vacant smile when he spoke, or roll their eyes, exhausted at his small, unpracticed attempts at conversation.

He loved the little niche tidbits of information you knew, he was always learning something exciting, or something that made you light up when you spoke.

And then he’d- done that.

The little boy that never had anything, sabotaging his one chance at love because somewhere deep down inside, he didn’t know if he was really capable of it. Maybe he wasn’t. He’d never had it aimed in his direction really.

Who had loved him? Ever in his life?

Frank was the closest thing he had to a brother, Billy had no doubt that the Castles loved him.

And it was good, but it wasn’t enough.

Now more than ever he knew that, lying awake, fingers pressed to his mouth where he could still feel the softness of your lips. He knew what being enough to someone had felt like.

He knew he’d do anything to have that again.

You can’t sleep at all.

It’s way worse than before.

Things had been okay when you couldn’t feel anything, but one kiss had brought it all back. Now, you were just sad all over again.

Each time you kissed him, pulled you together, and each time you left him behind, you shattered even more.

Like glass that had been broken once, being hammered into splinters. You didn’t know how much of yourself had been damaged, beyond hope of repair already.

And yet still, you couldn’t forget him.

The soft heat of his touch, the sound of his breaths. You spend the entire night thinking about him, and wishing you could think about something, anything else.

There’s a box waiting on your desk when you get in the next morning.

It fits in your palm, wrapped in blue floral gift paper with a black bow on top. It screams Billy.

“That from Matt?” Dex asks, as he’s walking by and observes your handling of the gift.

“Probably.” You lie, tugging at the bow.

“Hope it’s something nice.” He wishes as he steps away, going back to whatever he was doing.

His wrapping is precise, no fold is haphazard, the bow sits right in the middle, perfectly equidistant from all edges.

It pulls a smile to your face. You almost don’t want to open it, the effort put into wrapping is a gift in itself.

You doubt Billy had given many gifts in his life- or even gotten them. He’d only mentioned it once that he didn’t have parents, and that he grew up in the system. You’d wanted to ask about it, but you’d never gotten a real chance.

You wanted to know how many gifts he'd gotten, how many happy birthdays.

You shouldn't care, it shouldn't matter to you, but it did.

You take the wrapping off carefully, wanting to preserve every bit of this, something that could be remembered later, savoured when you needed something to think of in the darkness of the night.

You tug the lid off the box quickly, eyes locking onto the shimmering gold in the box.

Your mouth parts in surprise.

It’s a simple present, butterfly hair clips in a gold colour. Each wing of the shiny butterfly is attached to the clip with a few small springs, it means that every slight movement makes the wings appear as though they’re fluttering.

All of a sudden, you’re a little girl again, staring at similar clips in someone else’s hair. You gulp, looking around for a note, an explanation as to why.

You’d only asked your parents once for them, and then never again.

His note is lodged beneath the lid of the box, and you take your time prying it out, opening it.

‘Saw these and thought of you.

-Billy

x.'

You blink back tears, looking at the delicate clips once more.

You don’t take them out of the box, despite how badly you want to. You settle for just running a careful finger over the fluttering wings, a quiet appreciation of something you’d forgotten you wanted.

The clips are so shiny that they were bound to catch attention, which was the last thing you wanted here. Maybe later, after everyone was gone, you could indulge yourself in trying them on.

It was a brilliant gift, something small and seemingly unimportant, and yet, an item that he hadn’t known you’d desired from the moment you first saw them.

Warm, something trickling into the very depths of you, a feeling you want, a feeling you yearn for.

You reach for your phone, with calling him in mind, his extension seared to your memory and you just want to talk to him-

You slam the phone down just as fast. A few coworkers looking over at you in your peripherals.

Dread spills over inside of you, a paralysing fear that you were playing directly into his game, that this was a ploy, or even if it wasn’t, you couldn’t just go back to normal with him. He’d done something unforgivable, and you had to be rigid in your inability to absolve him of his actions.

He’d made a bet, with his friends, to see if he was capable of being in an exhausting relationship with you, because everyone thinks that you were annoying.

Because he thought that you were annoying.

You tuck his gift into the top drawer of your desk, letting the pain of his betrayal reorient you.

Billy Russo did not like you.

“Shit.” You curse, glancing at the time on your phone. You’d been so zoned into your computer that you hadn’t even noticed that the work day had been officially over for a while now.

You sigh, leaning back, opening your top drawer to grab a page marker for the document you just sent to print.

You spot the little gift box tucked into the back of the drawer and you can’t help the smile that pulls onto your face.

You drop everything you’re doing, reaching for the box happily.

You take your time, pinning one clip to either side of your head to pull some of your hair back, opening your front camera to admire the little fluttering clips.

You loved the little things, delicate in your hair, glittering with the movement and the lights and you make a mental note to avoid the possibility of getting it tangled in your hair as best as possible.

You get distracted by the sound of the printer beeping in the distance to signal your print was completed and you get up to grab the file.

A few hours later, you hear the elevator nearby make a small sound as it stops on your floor. You look up, alert and the awareness of how late it is makes you a little scared.

It’s him that rounds the corner, crisp suit, his jacket tucked under his arm. He pauses when he notices you, your eyes meeting, before a little smile pulls onto his face.

“I figured you’d be here.” He hums, approaching you.

You huff, glancing back at your computer screen.

“You just can’t seem to leave me alone, can you?” You bite back.

When he’s quiet for too long, standing beside you, you turn to look up at him.

There’s a strange expression on his face, something that washes the coldness inside of you away with gentle warmth.

“What?” You ask, trying to keep your voice harsh.

Why are you looking at me like that?

“You’re real fuckin’ pretty.” He answers.

You make a sound of annoyance, turning back to your computer to continue working on your excel sheet.

Do you love me?

Your fingers freeze on your keyboard when he kneels in your peripherals next to you.

What in God’s name was he doing?

You let out a harsh breath.

“Billy-”

His hand reaches to touch something in your hair, it’s only then you remember that you’re wearing the clips he gave you.

“-These look so much better on you than I’d imagined.” He whispers, turning a strand of your hair over between his fingers.

You look down, unable to meet his eyes.

“I’ve always wanted them, since I was little. My parents fought a lot, and I could never work up the courage to ask for them. Then, when I got older, I could never find them.” You glance up at him for a moment before looking away, “Thank you, I love them, but that doesn’t change anything between us.”

His eyebrows pull together sadly, a reflectiveness to his eyes that wasn’t there before.

Do you love me?

“You should go home, it’s late.”

You give him a tired smile.

“Yeah, I know, I just have a little bit more to do.”

“Do it tomorrow. You shouldn’t be here so late.”

“I don’t know why you’re complaining,” You mutter absentmindedly, “I’m making you money.”

He grips your chair, turning it quickly away from your computer until you face him.

You meet his gaze with an annoyed look of your own.

“I have enough money.” He answers with a teasing expression. The corner of your lip twitches in amusement.

“Whatever.” You say, trying to turn your chair back to your computer, but he only grips it tighter to keep you in place. His eyes dart to your desk, and then he reaches for something, grabbing it off your desk and moving away quickly.

When you look back at your desk you notice your wireless mouse is missing.

“Hey!” You stand, taking a few steps toward him. He mirrors your movement, taking a few steps back as well.

“Give that back, Russo.” You warn, approaching him again, this time he doesn’t move, encouraging you to try getting closer to him again.

When you’re within grabbing range, he grins, hiding his hands behind his back.

“Shut down your computer and go home.” He tries again.

“Or what?” You challenge, reaching around to grab at his hands. He shifts the mouse from his left to his right hand quickly, forcing you to get even closer to him, to try grabbing it.

“Or I throw this thing out the window and unplug your computer.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” You argue, gripping his fist in yours and trying to pry his fingers open.

He pulls his hand away from you easily, giving you an evil grin before raising his fist with your mouse above his head where you couldn’t possibly reach on your own.

You don’t even try to jump for it, only crossing your arms and looking up at him.

“I could knee you in the balls. I’d get it really quickly that way.” You threaten.

He tips his head back and laughs, and you find yourself smiling too. You take the chance, using the distraction to jump and grab his fist.

But your attempt seemed to be exactly what he wanted because in the next moment his hand is on your waist, using your own momentum against you to spin you, switching positions so that he can press you against the wall that was just behind him.

You gasp, looking up at him in bewilderment. His scent floods your nose, reigniting an ache inside of you, one that yearned for him.

He watches you carefully, doesn’t do anything more than uncurl his fingers, so that you can get the mouse sitting in the palm of his hand.

You look at the mouse, and then back into his eyes, letting out a slow sigh, wishing for something you can’t quite put your finger on.

“Thank you.” You say, taking the mouse from him, and ducking under his arm to slip out from between his body and the wall.

Sitting at your desk once again, you groan in annoyance as he grabs a chair from a nearby desk and sits himself near you.

“What now?” You ask, barely looking at him.

“I’m not leaving till you do.” He answers simply.

"For a CEO, you seem really bad at getting the message." You grunt out.

He sighs, leaning forward to prop his elbow onto your desk, and then after a moment, he rests his face in his hand, looking at you calmly.

"I'm sorry." He says softly.

"So I've heard." You answer, deciding to save your work before he actually unplug your computer.

"Have you been sleeping?" Billy asks on another soft breath.

"Yes." You lie.

"You haven't. It's why you're here so late. Because you go home, and you lie awake, staring at the ceiling." He says, and you get the feeling that he isn't only talking about you.

"Can you blame me?" You snipe, trying to focus on your screen so that you can pretend that this conversation isn't happening.

There's a long silence before he speaks again.

"I hate myself."

Your chest squeezes harshly, brain halting any thoughts of work. You stare at the computer screen, feeling pressure build behind your eyes.

You wipe an unsteady hand over your mouth for comfort.

"Yeah well, that makes both of us." You reply shakily.

"I've always kind of hated myself," he continues, and you peek a look over at him to find that he's shifted, his hands in his lap, bending a paperclip out of shape while he speaks, "Even when I was a kid, I told myself that there must be something very wrong with me for my mom to not want me."

You take a deep breath, listening to him, finally hearing him open up about himself for the first time.

"I almost got adopted once, interview with a family had gone well, they let me move in with them for a trial period. I almost had what I wanted most, and then-" He gives a shake of his head, to knock the memory loose and you want so badly to reach over and take his hand, to stop him from worrying the paperclip out of shape, only to try to reshape it again, "-I punched their son in the face for something so dumb I can barely remember it. They dropped me back the next morning without a goodbye."

You watch in your peripherals as he puts the paperclip back into shape, except it doesn't look quite right, a little misshapen after his touch.

"My therapist says I've always had a penchant for self sabotage. Always worried that something good will be taken away, so I ruin it, so that at least it's ruined on my terms." He grins, "What a nutjob."

"You? Or your therapist?" You ask.

He huffs out a surprised laugh, looking up at you for a second, watching you return his laugh with a wry smile of your own, before glancing away.

Do you love me, Billy Russo?

"Sorry. I don't mean to force your forgiveness with a shitty story of growing up in the system. I just- well- I was hoping it would help you… understand me a little more."

“Don’t apologize. I get it. We’re all just trying to heal from something.”

“What are you trying to heal from? Besides me?”

You turn away, unsure if you want to tell him, unsure if you can speak for so long without shutting down.

You rub your knuckles against your lips absentmindedly.

“It’s stupid.” You whisper.

“It’s not. I promise.”

You feel anxiety flutter in your stomach.

“I’ve always felt like I was too much. Too loud, too clingy, too unattractive. Like if I was just tolerated, everywhere I went. I made friends, and then after a while, they’d leave, without explanation and with the number of times it happened, I kept thinking to myself that it had to be my fault.”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat.

“It’s the only logical explanation, that I’m okay to befriend and talk to a little, but I’m not enough to maintain a friendship with. I’m not enough to be held on to.”

Why weren’t you enough?

You stop talking now, taking a deep breath and holding it to fight off your tears.

He reaches for your hand, and you let him, you can feel the paperclip pressed between your hands.

“I see how badly I fucked up now.” He says softly to you, “And I want you to know that every inch of you is worth fighting for, and I fully intend to show you that.”

You close your eyes, shaking your head with a sad smile.

“Billy-”

“-no buts, you’re about to see some of the most desperate grovelling of your life.”

You laugh in disbelief.

“You’re insane, Russo.”

“Yeah. Don’t tell my therapist.”

He wants to hold you so badly. Wrap his arms around you, and feel you lean against him.

In the elevator now, he keeps glancing at you, his eyes drawn to the little fluttering clips in your hair and his heart clenches so tightly in his chest that he swears it stops beating.

“Let me drive you home.” He offers, hoping that you’d let him, instead of taking a taxi at this hour of the night.

He watches the clips flutter more as you shake your head, a smile pulling onto his face at how adorable you look.

“We’re not there yet, Russo.” You respond.

Yet? He thinks hopefully.

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo x female reader #my writings #the punisher #never quite enough #fanfic #angst

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zoeykallus · 2 years ago

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Could we get the Batch when their future s/o gets hit by their family? Either the Batch walks in on their f!s/o being hit repeatedly, or maybe the f!s/o coming back from being around their family and trying to hide their bruises and wounds from the Batcher? Either would be super appreciated!

Aloha!

Every time I get an ask like this, I shudder. I hope you are in a safe place and not subject to this kind of abuse in any way! I had different kinds of asks about abuse before. The Bad Batch x Reader HC - Get Rid Of A Toxic Friend

The Bad Batch Headcanons - Reacting To Abuse Of A Minor (Teen)

The Bad Batch x Fem!Reader HC's - To Be Heard

The Bad Batch/Rex/Fives x Fem!Reader HCs - The Obsessive Ex (The Creep)

But not with this exact circumstances. Honestly, I feel uncomfortable doing this in a way, but it seems like there maybe people out there, needing something like this, so I'm just going to pull through.

The Bad Batch x F!Reader HCs - Familial Abuse

(Trigger) Warnings: Physical Abuse/Injuries/Hurt/Comfort

____________________

Situation:

It's date night, but you have bruises and injuries that are hard to hide. When you want to cancel the date, your batcher hears on the comm that something is wrong and insists on seeing you at least briefly. He wants to make sure that everything is okay. You feel uncomfortable and try to hide most of it with make up and clothes, but you are not sure if it works.

_____________________

Hunter

He immediately sees that something is wrong, he senses it in your nervous, reserved manner, your posture and then your scarf slips, and he sees bruises on your neck.

He frowns very critically and carefully takes off your sunglasses, revealing the black eye that you have tried to cover more poorly than not with makeup.

You feel his mood shift. He's incredibly concerned, and underneath that concern simmers anger, not at you, but at the trigger of your injuries.

"Who was that?"

The question is simple, but somehow it sends chills down your spine. The usual lies run through your head, that you fell down, were attacked by a stranger, or a speeder accident, but you say something completely different to him, to your own surprise.

"My family… is a little difficult."

His brows shoot up.

"Excuse me, what? Your family did this?"

You hesitate, not knowing what to answer, you open your mouth but close it again and lower your head. You feel ashamed and helpless.

Hunter gently grabs your chin and forces you to look at him.

"Let me see."

He eyes you for a moment, then sighs softly, grabs your hand and says, "Come with me."

On the Marauder, he tends to your wounds with baccta. He has locked the two of you in the cockpit, so you can have a little peace from his brothers.

Suddenly, you hear him say, "You shouldn't go there anymore".

"Home?"

"This could be your home"

You laugh softly and ask with a smile, "The Marauder? There's barely room for you guys here, how am I supposed to fit in?"

He takes a deep breath and says, "I'll talk to Cid, have her withhold a portion of my pay for a room for you in her bar. Might get loud on the weekends, but you wouldn't be subjected to that abuse anymore."

"Hunter-"

"Please, I won't have a moment's peace at the thought of you going back there"

"What about my stuff?" you ask uncertainly, "They won't let me get my stuff"

"Yes they will, because you're not going to get it alone. I'm coming with you, I'm certainly not leaving you alone with them. If they get violent again, I'll get violent".

You are insecure, you don't know if all this can work, but you wish it could.

"Maybe Cid has a job for me too, something legit in the bar."

Hunter nods with a smile.

"We'll make it work, you'll see, once you're out of there, you'll clear your head and find a whole new way to express yourself."

With a grin, you say, "Maybe we should take Echo with us, he has a knack for bringing people to their senses when they get out of line."

Hunter laughs, "You think I can't do this on my own?"

"No, you are way too personally involved"

He nods with a little smirk.

"Good Point"

Echo

He looks at you very critically as you approach him at the meeting place.

"What happened?" asks Echo before he even says hello.

His gaze is very attentive and critical.

"What?"

"Your posture. You're in pain. And what are you wearing?"

Echo comes closer and gently takes off your silk scarf and sunglasses.

"Oh, Cyare… Who did that?"

His words sound incredibly melancholy and upset at the same time. He tries to hold your gaze, but you avoid him uncertainly.

"Don't make up lies now, please, tell me the truth," he says gently, stroking your cheek.

You shrug your shoulders helplessly.

"I don't know how to explain this, I don't even understand it myself".

Echo grabs your hand and slowly walks with you towards the Marauder, where he will examine you more closely and take care of you. Your limp worries him.

He sighs and asks, "It's your family, right? You're so different every time you've been with them."

You avoid his gaze again and remain silent, that's answer enough for him.

"I thought so," he says softly.

On the Marauder, he takes care of your wounds. Again and again, you avoid his concerned gaze and remain silent.

Echo finally finishes and looks at you with a sigh.

"You need to stay away from your family, you're obviously being treated more than badly there. I'm wavering between concern and anger right now, I'd like to go to your family and give them a piece of my mind, but my concern for you is paramount, first we have to make sure you're safe."

"I am safe with you"

Echo smiles.

"Of course you are, but I don't have an apartment, I'm still living on the street at the moment, or rather in the Marauder, and it's pretty cramped here. You can stay here for now, of course, I'm sure the guys agree that you shouldn't go back to your family. But we have to find a better long term solution. Maybe we can look for an apartment together? Or at least one where you can stay, and I can visit you anytime?"

You take a deep breath, afraid of change, of them coming to find you, but the thought of what awaits you when you go to your family overshadows any other fear. Echo is right, you shouldn't go back.

He gently leans his forehead against yours and says softly, "We'll figure it out, I'll help you with whatever it takes, you're not alone, Cyare."

Wrecker

He is so happy to see you that it almost breaks your heart when you see his expression change, and he gently pulls off your scarf and sunglasses.

"Cyar'ika…" he says, almost breathless with shock, "What happened? Who did this to you?"

He is so worried and looks so sad that tears come to your eyes. Wrecker hastily takes you in his arms and squeezes you gently.

"Oh my love, you are safe here with me, I promise you. It's okay, let it out, I got you."

It's been a long time since you've really cried, really let it all out, and right now in Wrecker's strong arms, you feel like you can finally let it all out. You sob and tremble in his arms, your fingers clinging to the edges of his armor breastplate, searching for a support.

He gives you time, gently cradles you, and whispers soft words about how much you mean to him. You don't realize how much you've held back, are shocked at how violently each sob shakes you.

As you slowly calm down, he gently strokes your head and says, "My love, Mesh'la. Everything will be all right. Tell me who did this, and I'll take care of it, no one will ever hurt you like this again."

You lean your forehead tiredly against his chest and as you tell him, Wrecker is silent for a moment.

"I don't understand. But this is your family, why are they doing this?"

You shrug your shoulders helplessly, you could think about this for hours, philosophize and go into psychological detail, but you don't have the strength or the nerve. You are generally very tired.

"Okay, one thing's for sure, you're not going back there, certainly not tonight, as vulnerable and beat up as you are right now. Besides, you're not going there alone anymore"

"But then, where am I going?"

Wrecker lifts your chin, so you look at him, wipes away a few tears and says with a smile, "With us of course, with me and my brothers, we'll figure it out. You are safe with us"

Tech

He is already waiting for you at the agreed place. Tech doesn't have his data pad in his hand as usual, but looks at you with concern. He looks thoughtful as he takes the last few steps toward you.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" he asks gently.

You sigh softly and shake your head.

"Not really."

"Is there a reason you're wearing a scarf and sunglasses on a warm summer night?" he probes carefully.

You swallow, not quite knowing what to say to that, you should have realized that you can't hide anything from Tech. You hold still as he takes off your scarf and glasses.

"Dear goodness."

You lower your eyes, barely able to bear the horrified expression on his face.

"What happened? Did you get mugged? Who did this?"

For a brief moment, you toy with the idea of just lying and confirming his suspicions. But you've never lied to Tech before, and you don't want to start now.

"Unfortunately, no."

He blinks and looks at you questioningly.

"Then what happened?" he asks quietly.

You hesitate for quite a while before telling him the truth. Tech is visibly shocked by this revelation, at first he is so gobsmacked that he remains silent. He grabs your hand and leads you with him to the Marauder.

His brothers also look at you startled and ask questions, but Tech fends them off kindly but firmly, "Not now, let me handle this."

Once inside the cockpit, he asks you to sit down. Echo appears a short time later and gives Tech a medkit.

Echo says quietly to you, "We're here for you too, if you need us."

With a sad little smile, you say thank you and wait until he has left the cockpit again.

Tech begins to tend to your wounds and finally says, "You can't go back there, that's for sure."

He smiles as you look at him uncertainly and adds, "Don't worry about where you can stay, you can stay here for now, we'll figure out a longer term solution."

With a soft sigh, you nod, enjoying his care, the peace and security you feel in his presence.

"Everything will be fine, you'll see. Once you free yourself from your toxic environment, life will suddenly look very different. Trust me."

"I trust you"

"Good," Tech says with a smile.

Crosshair

You have a sinking feeling in your stomach when you see him standing at the agreed meeting place. You know Crosshair sees through you pretty quickly, especially when you're feeling bad and trying to hide it. Somehow he has a sixth sense about it.

When he turns around and sees you coming, you can already see him frowning critically from afar and taking a good look at you from a distance.

For a silly moment, you think about turning around and running away, but you don't really want to go back to where you just came from.

As soon as you are within earshot, he says critically, "I can smell from afar that something is wrong. Apart from the fact that you could hear it on the comm".

His brows draw together.

"You're walking funny. Are you hurt?"

He unknots his arms, which had been crossed until then, and comes closer as you stop some distance away.

"What's the matter with you? You're not usually this quiet."

"Nothing," you say and swallow.

"Sure," Crosshair says dryly, "You're doing great. And what's with that weird incognito outfit? Are you on the run?"

You want to protest, but your voice fails as he takes off your sunglasses. Crosshair stops in mid-motion.

"What the hell? Who did that?"

He sounds angry.

"It's complicated."

Crosshair grumbles, "Tell me."

With a sigh, you say, "There's nothing you can do, I don't want you to do anything."

Crosshair thinks for a moment, then growls, "So if you don't want me to get involved, then I guess it has to do with your family."

You avoid his gaze, but he gently but firmly grabs your chin and forces you to look at him.

"Kitten, I like to beat the shit out of anyone who did this to you. If that's not what you want… I have to accept that, but don't you think I should know what's going on?"

With watery eyes, you tell him what's going on, and he listens intently. Crosshair finally nods, pulling you close and into his arms.

"Okay, I'll stay out of it. Anyway, I'm not going to beat anyone up. But I can't leave you there either".

You cling to him and take a deep breath.

"But where do I go from here?"

Crosshair says with conviction, "We'll find a way, first you come with me, we'll tend to your wounds and then we'll see. Maybe my brothers have an idea. For now, you stay with us until we have something better for you."

Ko-Fi (If you feel like supporting me)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaws

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@starwarsnerd111

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jimin-of-mine · 3 months ago

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After that, do you still think they love each other romantically? Soulmates? Look, I never doubted their friendship... I still like their intentions and that's why I watch the show because they're so cute and funny together, but it's not the first time JK has been this 'violent' with Jimin... when he was a teenager, it was somehow justified because he was practically a child. But now he's going on 30 and it makes me uncomfortable. A person in love, no matter how much trust there is, wouldn't treat their partner like that... honestly, it was really hard for me to admit this because before I did believe in that, but as I grew up, I realized things that are wrong... I'd like to know your opinion.

Well, they're twin flames- soul mates are different.

Soul mates only come into your life for a short while to 'teach' you some important lessons about life and then they leave.

So, it's similar to how not everyone will stay in your life, you know?

You have people that you just grow out of and you move on.

Twin flames are a lot more complex and even after almost a decade of my own personal experiences with it- it still doesn't make much sense, but it's something you need to experience first hand in order to understand.

"You are me and I am you.."

So, they know fully well what they are to each other, because that's what this line means.

Twin flames are another part of you that exist outside of a different physical body.

They are made of the same 'essence' or 'spirit' as you are- whatever you wish to call it.

You share the same DNA and they are you, in another body.

This show of theirs has honestly shaped my entire view on their relationship so much more differently, as opposed to what I thought it was and I've been really conflicted and confused.

For years now, I have quietly supported them from the sidelines, due to how they seemed so genuine and sincere.

But now, I'm realizing how everything has been very one sided and I can't believe I never noticed it before- because the signs were there.

I just didn't 'want' to see it 😓

I've been so heartbroken over this, because I really didn't want to believe that Jungkook could be like this with him.

It's very clear that Jimin feels exceptionally strongly about Jungkook and he's shown this to the public several times, but Jungkook obviously doesn't feel the same.

Or he wouldn't treat him like this.

I was horrified by what happened in the third episode- but then episode five was so much more worse.

It's honestly really scary how Jungkook can get so fucking angry like that.

I have no idea where it even came from, because everything was totally fine and then he just snaps out of fucking nowhere and it was uncalled for.

The manipulation afterwards- forcing Jimin to apologize, even though there was nothing to apologize for.

And then Taehyung was rude with him inside of the vehicle on the way back.

It seems to me, they just like to gang up on him when they're together and that's so fucked up.

It's horribly toxic and I'm not someone who will just throw that word around- but that's what it is.

Jimin deserves a hell of a lot fucking better than this...

Jungkook loves him, since he is being genuine when he speaks their motto 'You are me and I am you', but he allows his behavior to get in the way and it's not as unconditional as it should be.

Jimin on the other hand- there's no doubt in my mind that he loves Jungkook unconditionally, because he shows it in what he does.

I know that Jungkook isn't perfect- he's far from it like the rest of us, but he needs to take accountability for his actions.

People still continue to justify what Jungkook does and there's so many 'asks' that I get regarding this...

It makes me so angry, because they're invalidating the abuse that is right in front of their faces and pretending it's not happening.

Considering how big this community is, if everyone was to speak up about it- we'd be able to do something for Jimin, because there's power in numbers.

It's one of the reasons why I won't go back in the shadows again.

I knew these things were going on, since I'm so emotionally entwined with Jimin- but I didn't have any solid proof.

Now that I do, I'm not going to stop speaking out on the hate and abuse he has been getting.

No matter who it's from, because it's wrong and very out of line.

Many people have been trying to tell me that it's in their culture to be like this with each other- but that doesn't mean it's right.

The Asian community can be incredibly violent and yes, this is the way they are a lot of times- but you don't just justify it by saying something like that.

Just because it's the way things are, doesn't mean it's the way it should be.

They've grown so accustomed to it, that they just figure it's the 'norm', but things can be different if they want them to be.

There's so much stigma surrounding all of this and I realize I may be one of the first to even attempt to speak on such things here- but it's something that should have been spoken about a long time ago.

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thebunniesgrim · 1 year ago

Text

helluva boss’ humor really trips me up sometimes

(long post like really long post i go off)

Because sometimes it plays with hell's society and makes funny jokes like the HR joke in Spring Broken. One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is when it makes jokes or points fun at prudes in the universe. Which btw I don’t think this bad or anything it’s just something that pulled me personally out of the show. It’s still funny at the end of the day but!

Like the normalcy of death, swearing, sex, innuendos and all that. like jokes that would make you or me pause for a second wouldn’t be such a deal to them and vice versa is funny. Honestly the M&M’s being in a loving relationship in hell as a joke is funny

But the thing that trips me up is the way some demons in universe react to the jokes doesn’t make any since. I understand their reaction is a joke, but why did they have that reaction anyway? for example

In the LooLoo Land episode a good joke was when Octavia said she was going to be sick then Moxxie panics going through different medications and pulls out a bunch of syringes full of morphine just to casually throw them into a baby stroller when Octavia says she wasn’t really sick. Hilarious and it shows the human and demon side of moxxie love it. Although in the same episode Blizto says he isn't a day hooker and the lady walking by judges him and he calls her a prude. Funny yes! But why does she care like girl he has a whole gun and that’s what you choose to be concerned about? Ok. I understand her being shocked is the joke but why is she? In a place where being a hooker is possibly the most normal thing to them as being lawyer is to you or me. Why such a strong reaction?

(Stolas has green screen arms lol)

Even the newest Mammon ep in Fizz’s “two weeks' notice or whatever it's called” song when he say “spending life bent over with your fist in my ‘A’” and the crowed is like shocked or put off by it like sure maybe they just weren't expecting it but he literally says bent over and even shakes his little imp ass at them while setting up the joke. It could have also been that they were surprised he censored himself. I don’t know, do you know?

Also, I must say hell born demons don’t have to be always ok with sex jokes. A little verity never hurts anybody. just Like Moxxie not very violent or having his limits is fine and also Striker being uncomfortable or not liking that everyone makes sex jokes at his expense is kind of funny it's of the same caliber of funny that the M&M’s gimmick has. I also think he doesn’t like the sex jokes because he doesn’t have control of the situation (or Stolas, Moxxie, and Fizz just aren't his type who knows lol) he was more than ready to diddle Biltzo’s holes if it meant he’d join Striker. Also, he didn’t seem to mind the other imps fawning over him even if he did kick that one girl in the face. Kind of like a you can look but don’t touch kind of thing. He likes or deals with the jokes until he can't control the situation and it's like come one dude, I'm trying to kill you cower before me plz :( you feel me? Like that makes since because it can be explained away with, their character but seeing as it’s not a social norm so when others who we don’t know and are supposed to show the status quo do it, it’s a little bit weird you know?

This also applies to Helluva Boss in general not just jokes. It’s honestly hard to tell what's allowed in hell and what isn't sometimes even for jokes because you know how a lot of people were weirded out at the kid being at the clown pageant and everyone is like “dude its hell they don’t have the same type of morals as we do” but also have people in the show react to sex or taboo stuff like it's weird you know? Like yes, I expect hypocrisy in the world of hell like a whole “rules for thee but for me” kind of thing. It is hard to stay true to that when the rules aren’t enforced? because one second, you’ll have Loona and Blizto making fun of Moxxie for being “fat”, but you also want me to care when Mammon calls Fizz fat. I'm supposed to take Loona beating up Blizto as a joke but once Stella raises a hand to Stolas, I'm supposed to be like oh no abuse!

Speaking of abuse. Mammon is just Blitzo cranked up to eleven. They are practically the same character given what the show tells us. What Blitzo does to Moxxie is the same thing Mammon does to fizz only cranked up to nine. Mammon says things that make Fizz worry I.e. “ready to reclaim your win another year... I saw your competition and it's pretty stiff, right? You are going to have try extra hard” remember in “The Harvest Moon Festival” ep where Blizto says “now just remember your rep with the in laws is on the line here so, no pressure at all you totally will not make an ass of yourself in front of everyone important in your life” he totally did that on purpose. How about when Mammon calls Fizz a “a bit chungo”? blitzo in seeing stars “you know it wouldn’t kill ya to put a salad in your body every now and then” and he says it meaner. He even encourages Loona to also call moxxie fat so while it’s still Loona doing it Blizto not telling her to chill out or something and there by condoning it, but he has the nerve to clutch his stupid little pearls (also blitzo isn't Wareing his mom little necklace thing in ep) when Mammon does the same thing.

The fuck is that face for you slimy little bitch?

Mammon says sexually charged stuff to Fizz that is very obviously making him uncomfortable but disregards it like its nothing? “The more they’ll want a piece of you they can home and fuck! Don’t you want that Fizzy? to be fucked?” Then Fizz said no, and he disregarded it. Blizto in Murder Family, Harvest Moon, Truth seekers, Ex's and Ohs when he makes a big deal about someone having sex with both Moxxie and Millie and then making a big deal at the fact that he, Moxxie and Millie have had sex with the same person also maybe Ozzie's when he says he watches the M&M get it on but it's hard to gaze if Moxxie’s reaction was surprise, disgust or both. Mammon calls Fizz a “a stupid little [HONK]” Blizto calls Moxxie “a fucking disgrace” in Unhappy Campers but to be fair I make it an active effort to forget that ep is canon so. Mammon puts Fizz in a situation he can't handle, which leads to a panic attack. Blizo in the first ep Murder Family where Moxxie doesn’t want to kill Martha because he doesn’t want to kill a mother and ruin a family and is openly hesitant and uncomfortable about it causing him to have a small panic and mess up the mission at first. Mammon tells fizz to get his shit together with the underlying threat of firing, terminating, or worse. Murder family Blitzo says “But if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I will fuck you and your wife”. Both BLizto and Mammon treat Fizz and Moxxie all buddy buddy when they do stuff, they want but when they don’t comply or might not do something they don’t like they get mean or aggressive. They only main differences is that Moxxie can talk back to Blizto in a way and fizz can't. Also, Fizz actually quits, and escapes his horrible boss.

I know that the pilot isn't cannon but it’s the blueprint of the characters and Blizto being abusive to moxxie sexually and verbally being a constant throughout the pilot and the canonized show is just... icky

The show will tell me that imps and hellhounds are at the bottom of society but also have them stand up to the deadly sins like it no big deal. Loona tried to fight Beelzebub, Crimson tried to bribe and blackmail Asmodeus, Fizz stands up Mammon (as he should but Mammon could have literally tuned him into a smoothie) like the deadly sins are the next things to gods and these low-level nobodies are trying to square up. Not only does it make the deadly sins look like total wusses, but it also makes hellhounds and imps look more powerful than they are. Striker saying royals' step all over imps and treat them horribly and other than stella literally throwing Pringles and referring to him as “this one”

but Stolas literally uses Pringles as like a phone stand in Seeing Stars so....

The only ones who we’ve seem treat the imps like that on a regular basis are other non-royal hell born demons like the twins in Mammons ep. The lady and her kid in the doctor's office in western energy, the hellhound bodyguards in The Circus and even other imps like how Millies family treat Moxxie because he’s traditionally strong, or how striker thinks that he and blizto are far better then they’re own kind. Sure, the imps are butlers, purse accessories, and work on farms to feed the other rings. Other than the farm thing other demons do too from what we’ve seen. Also, from what we have seen, the royals are so detached from imps it seems like Strikers’ biggest problem is other demons themselves. The only royal we see talk down to imps is Stolas. Stella, Andrealphus, Paimon, never says much about them or even addresses them in any kind of way that’s outright negative, it’s more or less just plain indifference. I mean even the 7 deadly sins (that we’ve met so far) don’t say anything about imps in a derogatory way mammon doesn’t, Bee calls Blitzo “Imp boy” but not in a mean way, and Asmodeus call Moxxie “little imp” which seems more teasing than mean.

Ok look if I'm to take the hell hierarchy seriously then please play by your rules. I-ok so like are the sins a force to be reckoned with or not? Because they just seem like regular demons but bigger. You're telling me the second blizto get nabbed by the DORK agents Stolas is out here cracking necks and summoning himself in blood to save him

But nothing was done to save fizz?

“It was hostage situation” ok and? Asmodeus is a sin he could have pulled a Stolas and posseted one of Crimsons goons and shot or incomposite striker and crimson. You have almost infante power and you can't save your boyfriend and work colleague? And if demons can't be possessed then send Stolas in exchange for the crystal. Crimson doesn’t know about Stolas, and it would surprise him stolas can turn into his big bird form in hell and did in Seeing Stars. ALSO why is everyone just standing up to and trying to pick fights with the Sins? Like guys I get it I really do but please realistically you're going to get smooshed like bug

I'm constantly being told that Stolas and Blitzo can't be together while Beelzebub and Asmodeus can be with Vortex and Fizz. With no real in show reason as to why? You can address its hypocrisy all you want but you still never gave a reason as to why one is ok and other isn't. Stolas is Royality and can't date outside his rank? And the 7 deadly sins are of a different rank than him so it's different. How so? Why does Asmodeus need it to keep him and fizz a secret? if a god was dating a regular person, what could you possibly do about it? Also, if Asmodeus needs to keep his relationship a secret, then why doesn’t Beelzebub? If it because Beelzebub’s relationship corresponds to her sin how so? How is dating someone not of your rank gluttonous or indulgent? Unless Bee is a serial dater, and I don’t think she is how so? Also, Asmodeus dating Fizz does correspond to his sin he’s the over seer of lust and lust doesn’t stop at rank or class. If them being romantic is the problem, then they could lie and tell everyone that him and fizz are just fuck buddies or they're in an open relationship where they are ok with each other sleeping around but they don’t do it. They’re already business partners; it wouldn’t be a stretch if the literal ruler of lust would want to sleep with someone regardless of their rank and whether or not they work for them. Plus, they do openly say they are fucking each other while Ozzie's workers are near so them having sex isn't the problem.

Ok so like ya’ll know the live action Grinch movie? And you know that one part where the grinch is the holiday chair mister and the who's are giving him a bunch of food even after he's full and his face is full of food, but they keep shoving more in his mouth? Yeah, that is what watching helluva boss is like sometimes you know?

It's like a barrage of information or nothing

Anyways

this show is ride and then some lol granted this doesn’t really make or break the show for me honestly, it's just that the more the show tells me one thing it’ll go through hell (heh) to make it, so it doesn’t matter anymore, and it only brings up more questions. Like if something isn't allowed then make it so don’t just tell me oh that’s not allowed but is but it’s a problem but I'm not going to tell you why or what the problem is just trust me look at the cute couples don’t look anywhere else don’t worry about it

I know you’re probably asking yo why are you questioning it I'm just a confused fan and I want the show I like to make since is that such a tall order?

#helluva boss #helluva boss critical #helluva boss criticism

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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 11 months ago

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Oh my *god, in most recent chapter of Sea Glass Gardens, the line “It would make sense, being afraid of the nuclear boy. He didn’t mean to make them afraid,” shattered my heart into approximately seventeen million pieces. I think I audibly sucked in a breath when I first read it. Absolute devastation. God, it’s fantastic!! I want to shake your Yuuta like an etch-a-sketch ❤️

See, I really like that line because it really does go to what an unreliable narrator Yuuta is. Nanami and Shoko weren’t afraid of Yuuta. If anything, they were afraid for Yuuta.

Yuuta’s deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed with what he’s experiencing. First, he’s aware that his emotions towards Megumi have exploded past what would normally be acceptable. Which, again, isn’t his fault. It’s a direct side effect of the level of reverse cursed energy he used on Megumi.

I’ve said this in several other places, but this was partially inspired by when I got concussed out of my mind and lost all emotional control. I never cry normally and then I spent weeks weeping and having violent outbursts against my own alarm in the morning. It can be kind of alarming to normally have very solid control of yourself and then completely lose it. It kind of gives me body horror vibes.

I also just like the JJK theme of nothing’s free. And while this isn’t exactly a direct cost imposed, it does impose a negative consequence on gaining reverse cursed energy. Sure, you can heal anyone, but it may destabilise you in an embarrassing way that doesn’t have a way to heal.

And the thing is that it makes Yuuta feel like he’s to blame even if he objectively isn’t.

Overwhelming or driving love that doesn’t have a basis in reality just makes me really uncomfortable, personally. Like, you know that love isn't genuine because it can't possibly be sourced in the person themself. Love can make for an incredibly interesting or compelling motivation or conflict in a story, but if you want love to be healthy (and real), you really need it to be sourced in actual, established knowledge of a person. It's sort of what Maki is talking about at the end of the chapter--there's no such thing as soulmates. Love is a thing you build.

**Minor Spoilers for the manga in this paragraph** It's honestly one of the reasons why I didn't like Hana just as a character design. Just so much of her character and motivation centered on her feelings for Megumi, and she didn't know Megumi. Sure, he saved her as a kid, but she knew nothing of his personality, his likes or dislikes. That kind of sort of baseless affection just makes me uncomfortable. You say that you love them but who do you even think they are?

Which begs the question as to why I just used it in my own work.

When I say a trope or character dynamic makes me uncomfortable, it's almost never absolute. It's up to how it's treated by the narrative. Like, I hate it when it's played straight or genuine, because it can make for a really unhealthy dynamic but the narrative for some reason insists on it being played as a good thing. But Death Note used this exact device with Misa Amane, and I loved it, because how wrong and unhealthy it was was the entire point. The narrative never tried to sell Misa's love for Light as a good thing or as a genuine emotional bond between them. He was always a fantasy to her, and it came to their mutual detriment because it led to her being manipulated and used by him and him having to. be near her.

Yuuta’s emotional response to Megumi is a legitimate source of distress for him. It was never genuine. I wanted there to be some kind of consequence or cost for reverse cursed energy. Since cursed energy is so heavily tied to emotions—both with how negative emotions builds up into curses, and with how being near cursed energy results in ominous feelings—I thought it’d be appropriate to have the opposite emotional response from positive energy.

I also thought that canon just barely had enough room for it to be a possibility. We only see one instance of reverse cursed energy being consciously learned (since Yuuta’s original use of it was canonically subconscious and while in a state of intense emotional distress), and that’s Gojo after his fight with Toji. He was high. He felt amazing, to the point where he couldn’t even feel anything about Riko’s death. Like, yeah, I assumed (and I think most people did) that was some kind of reaction with his Six Eyes and unlocking his full potential, but I don’t remember it ever being explicitly stated. I decided there was space to say that was a reaction to using RCT on a mass scale.

Which is why Yuuta actually says the exact same line as Gojo at one point: The world just feels so damn good right now.

But it just didn’t really do anything narratively to have him feel like he was high or like, seeing shrimp colors the way Gojo did. It didn’t make for compelling conflict. All it would do was have him act completely out of it and a bit looney in the aftermath, and that 1) would have been tonally dissonant with the more serious conversations that needed to follow and 2) would realistically lead him to be cut out of the loop entirely. Like, thank you for your service, Yuuta, everyone’s impossibly grateful to you for restarting Megumi’s heart, but you’re high as fuck and need to go lie down until you start existing on the same spectrum as the rest of humanity again. Please leave the room, guy who is the sole narrator of the fic. We sure don’t need you there, seeing everything.

So I also decided that there was space for tailored responses to positive energy. After all, cursed energy feels different by user, to the point where people can recognize the person it originated from just by how it feels. So I decided that it wasn’t just that positive energy made you feel amazingly good—it made you feel whatever positive emotion felt best to you.

And Yuuta, who had always been so very lonely, suddenly felt that he was not alone.

It wasn’t even that the reverse cursed energy made him specifically love Megumi, per se. It’s more that his brain filled in the blanks. Like, our own brains will lie to us all the time. It was being bombarded with an overwhelming sense of youarefinallynotaloneyouarefinallynotaloneyouarefinallyfinallynotalone, and his own brain filled in the gaps by tying that sense to Megumi, who it seemed to be most directly related to.

It was never real love. It couldn’t be. Yuuta didn’t know him. And Yuuta knew that, logically, but there was just nothing he could do to stop the feeling.

Now, a lot of people would look at that irrational, unprecedented emotional response and say “wow, something is medically wrong with me” and consult a doctor. I actually realized that my concussion was way worse than I thought it was because I could not stop weeping over minor inconveniences and I was like “what the fuck? I am never like this” and went back to the urgent care.

But I didn’t think Yuuta would, because I think Yuuta views his love fundamentally as a bad thing that happens to other people.

Yuuta repeatedly blames himself for things that honestly aren’t really his fault. Rika is the biggest example of it. He blames himself for everything that happened to her, but honestly? He was a little boy who just had his best friend mowed down in front of him. He didn’t even know that he had powers. The only thing he did was just… not want her to die.

This isn’t a habit he’s shaken by the end of JJK0. When he finds out that he cursed Rika, the first thing he says is that it’s all his fault. Not just for her, but for the people that got hurt. For Geto coming after him and almost killing his friends.

Which is a fucking wild takeaway. “It’s my fault that grown man planned and executed my premeditated murder and my friends got hurt voluntarily attempting to save me.” Like. Yuutas not to blame for any of that shit. He blamed himself instead of the adult man who tried to kill him.

Yuuta blaming himself for his irrational emotions around Megumi is just an extension of his own self-hate and tendency to take responsibility for things outside of his control. He’s waiting for his love to be a bad thing again. He gets this irrational, uncontrollable surge of affection around Megumi, and all he can think is “please don’t let me hurt you too”. He keeps insisting that he won’t hurt Megumi because he’s the one concerned about that.

Which is the sort of tint cast over his reading of everything else. He sees Nanami and Shoko’s concern, and he superimposes on a fear of him instead of for him. It’s not accurate at all; he’s just an unreliable narrator.

Nanami and Shoko are actually the most predisposed to be sympathetic to yuuta—shoko went through this herself, and Nanami watched it happen. They’re never worried he’ll hurt Megumi; they’re worried he’ll hurt himself.

And of course they are. Yuuta is visibly distressed, and they can’t give him anything to help. But Yuuta is, fundamentally, an unreliable narrator. He filters what’s happening through his own mental state, which is never good.

#sea glass gardens #shoko specifically is really predisposed to care for Yuutas current state because she lived that #she knows how fucked up you can become on it #Nanami and Shoko see him raise his voice and they’re worrying over how bad it’s getting /for Yuuta/#like he had successfully hid it in the immediate aftermath for a while #so they suspect there’s a lot under the surface they’re not seeing #the fact that it became visible for a moment suggested the stuff under the surface was /much much worse/#fundamentally they were never afraid yuuta would hurt him. they were afraid he'd hurt himself.#but yuuta spent his entire life with his parents who /were/ afraid he would hurt them #and /he/ was afraid too #he thinks of himself as the nuclear boy but nanami and shoko do not

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tododeku-or-bust · 11 months ago

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hey I just wanted to ask about the ofmd post. I know you called the show racist so I’d like some elaboration if you’re open to that? I’m a bit confused as to what you mean. But there definitely is a racist interpretation that many people on tumblr ascribe to in which Izzy is a good guy.

Okay so I'm going to preface this by saying I did not watch OFMD. I personally don't find Taika Waititi's form of humor funny in general. (And now, with the whole Zionist thing, 🤷🏾‍♀️) So I can't sit here and point out scene for scene. But that's not really my issue to begin with.

The first part of my issue is the characters involved in the main romance. Both of them were slave traders/owners. It didn't HAVE to be those two people. The writers could have come up with completely fictional people for this pirate story, so... why? But that happened. Okay.

The second part is that it makes sense then, right, that some Black people would find themselves uncomfortable romanticizing people involved in their violent oppression irl. Because as far as I remember (before I blocked the tag out of sheer annoyance) no one was really saying "don't watch the show". They were saying "I'm not going to watch this show because-". If an important part of the show is relating to and liking these guys, and you think of your enslavement when you see them, then you probably won't want to relate or care lmao.

And what really bothered me was that when Black people would point out this discomfort ever since the show dropped- a completely valid discomfort to have- fans of the show would jump on the bit to be incredibly anti-Black racist, under the guise of "queer representation" and often considering themselves and their opinion simultaneously that of a white savior.

This whole video here (it goes kinda fast) is a joke, but it really does encompass that entire blow up of someone truly being shocked and appalled that "if we don't let our show with our racist ship exist, you'll RUIN QUEER REP FOR EVERYONE" type shit and tbh, it's a very white perspective to have. The vitriol, as though their rights were actually threatened, was honestly batshit (calling pointing racism out "infighting" 🙄). Queer rep doesn't just die because someone told you to not be racist or to consider how your creations may affect others (gasp! Brown queer people exist too!!) 🤣.

and while this person clearly had a meltdown live action, there are people all over fandom who unironically and consistently behave like this, who hide their racism behind their queer identity and act like they can't be called out and held accountable because of it.

It was and is disgusting behavior, it just got put on blast in a hilarious way that doesn't often happen bc the majority usually agrees with the racist assessment.

(It's why so many closeted racist posts on here get tens of thousands of likes and reblogs by people who really think they're not racist, yet don't even hear the dogwhistles behind what they're saying or sharing. But that's a tangent.)

In summary: it was the behavior of the fandom for me that was incredibly racist, and the thoughtlessness of the premise of the show's main romance that was racist. The show itself, I didn't watch, so I can't tell you about that. 👍🏾

#hope this helps #im sure someone else could put it better but alas thats MY issues with it #ask #anon #fandom racism #like idc if you watch the show but be aware of how you understand it

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my-castles-crumbling · 1 day ago

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Hi cas! Hope you're having a good day!

So I have some problems, and it would be great if you could give me a little advice. Sry in advance, this'll be long.

So theres a bit of context I need to explain first. So this all kind of started 3 years ago, after everyone got back to normal school from virtual. I had a friend (E) who I started developing a crush on (she was my first gay crush). A bit into the school year, I noticed that I started having a bunch more small conflicts with her. I was also kind of decent friends with her brother (M). Once winter started, M and a few others started making a game of tripping me on the ice. E just stood by and watched, which sort of felt just as bad as if she was doing it. E was generally making fun of me, stealing things from me and saying she was just joking around, and making little comments about me and things I was doing. I was able to make friends with another group, though, so I escaped that.

The next year, I got into a relationship with one of the ppl in the other friend group (L). It took me a while to realize they were perssuring me into everything that we did intimately, and I was pretty uncomfortable with it. Then on top of L, there was this other guy that was causing trouble (H), who I had been good friends with since 2nd grade. H made fun of another friend's epilepsy, was hanging out with someone who was violent, and started assaulting/harassing girls at the school. Both kind of became physical with me, as in kicking me and hitting me, not enough to cause any damage, but was kind of painful. I managed to drift away from L, and the last time we kissed was at the end of the school year. I went no-contact with H, and I switched schools.

The next year, I became friends with someone who played the same instrument as me (D). She quickly turned out to be an ass, but I left her and start hanging out with someone who also was dealing with D (A), and she seemed really nice at first. Then she started getting mean. She would make little comments on my appearance or attitude/personality, which reminded me of E. She was also getting physical. Things like kicking me. breaking her computer on my hand, hitting me with hard objects (such as said computer), and pinching me. Again, nothing that really caused damage to me, but this really reminded me of L, which kind of made me freak out and bail. But that was hard, because I had band w D and a bunch of classes w A (I still do).

Now to this year. A has apologized, but I'm not really sure how to take it. E, M and D are also at this school, but we don't talk. So anyway, I have this really good friend (N) who I was talking to and hanging out with in all of last year, but they were at my previous school. Now they're at the same school as me, but I'm kind of scared. I don't want this relationship to turn out the same or similar to my previous friendships, but there seems to be a pattern of whenever I get too close to ppl, they either end up being jerks, or I end up accidentally becoming a jerk towards them. I've gotten really sad and overthink-y lately, and I'm just worried that N is sick of me or smth, or will turn out like E. I think all of these bad friendships (plus others i didnt mention) gave me a few issues with trust, but I don't want this pattern to keep following me. I'm also worried that it might just be smth I'm doing, not the other ppl. Advice plz?

(Ok sry, this was rlly long and probably confusing, but I hope it was sort of understandable)

Hi!

Honestly, I don't think it's your fault. You can't blame yourself for people being assholes. Judging from this, you did nothing wrong

I think in this situation, just keep setting strong boundaries and communicate. If anything feels off, call it out and also share with N that you have a past of toxic friendships. A good friend will be understanding about that. And if they aren't, then that's not a good friend, and it's not a person wasting your time on.

There ARE good people out there. It sucks that it's hard to find them, but I promise there are. I'm sending you love! naming you advance anon!

#advance anon #ask #asks #ask cas

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dairy-farmer · 1 year ago

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anti-semitic themes up ahead.

i hope this reaches well, the court of owls is tied with anti-semitic things. i'm not really the best with explaining but reading a post from someone might help and spread awareness.

https://www.tumblr.com/kalelraejepsen/665890471924678656/i-just-finished-reading-scott-snyders-court-of?source=share

i hope this helps :)

unfortunately it looks like the post may have been deleted, this ask is from july 15th so it's been a few months and looks like i wasn't able to view it in time before op took it down/it was taken down.

unfortunately the whole court of owls being antisemitic doesn't surprise me. as much as i may enjoy one character from dc i definitely don't like the entire media distributor as a whole, like their handling of tim 'coming out' where he's apologizing to his girlfriend for...not knowing he was gay? and needing time to come to terms with it so he broke up with her was the most recent thing i could think of and that was more mildly irritating than in the territory of the very long list of the racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, islamophobic, and other things they've done or poorly portrayed.

i honestly mostly ignore the entire court of owls thing unless someone brings it up because it, to me, was just such a balloon-deflating plot. because whole thing was like someone did a middle school interpretation of 'eyes wide shut'

to me, one of the major reasons the whole court of owl thing wasn't good because it basically removed all the very real reasons gotham was struggling. gotham parallels many major cities that have problems with crime and violence and poverty and saying that it was some "rich shadow secret society" pulling the strings and not the: chronic poverty, absence of social safety nets, gang violence, widespread substance issues, corrupt law enforcement- it just really undercut a lot of the core values that batman fought for: dignity and justice for the people of gotham.

it's understandable as well though that once you start looking at the court of owls comics through a more critical lens that other things pop out as well like antisemitic themes that may present and whether conscious or not- if a writer or artist is bigoted that does have a tendency to leak into what they make which is why 'separation of the art and artist' is not always successful or possible.. and dc does not have a history where they can be given the benefit of the doubt. and i'm not one to defend corporations.

media literacy and developing a good base for interpretation is important for people to be able to pull meaningful lessons from what they consume as well as to recognize patterns and potential issues as well. as a result some antisemitic things aren't as in your face like a plainly derogatory rap lyric against jewish people by jay-z and for many nonjewish comic readers the antisemitism probably doesn't even occur to them. however being able to read an analysis post from the perspective of a jewish person who picks up on many uncomfortable scenarios that are all to reminiscent of antisemitism is a good way to help people remain aware and critical of the media they consume. it's a shame i wasn't able to read the post but even if i can't i can definitely see how the whole 'secret group of ultra wealthy people are behind literally poisoning the city' is uncomfortably similar to many of the deeply antisemitic ideas that have led to violent persecution of jewish communities for centuries.

#answered asks #asks #anonymous

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some-pers0n · 10 months ago

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16, any fandom since it could be something vague for the ask game

16 - Popular headcanon/characterization you don't get and can't stand

Ohhhh goddd don't even get me started. I could ramble on and on about any character in any fandom, but honestly? I feel like I want to be annoying about the way people characterize Moon (and most female characters who "get in the way" of MLM ships).

I've read not an insignificant amount of Qinter fics where Moonwatcher, in one way or another, is so violently OOC. She's petty, jealous, possessive, extremely protective, and authoritative when it comes to being in the way of the icy-hot ship. Sometimes it goes as far as making her a compkete yandere– which, actually!!

God I hate yandere interpretations of characters. I hate it when people make an otherwise healthy and happy relationship and make it abusive and extremely uncomfortable because??? Why?? I know I'm not at all the target demographic (apothiaroace) but goddddd I just don't like the vibes of a yandere at all. Most of the time they do not retain any shred of their previous personality at all. They just become a default generic yandere personality. Boring!! Dull!! OOC!! Boo!! If you're going to make them a yandere at least attempt to understand their personalities somewhat.

...what was I talking about again? Oh, right! Moonwatcher in fanfic. Yeah, she gets the short-end of the stick a lot of the time. Poor girl. I think she'd help them get together instead of sabotaging them.

#ask #anon #sp-rambles

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opinated-user · 1 year ago

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big rant incoming, but i got pulled into this rabbit hole out of nowhere when youtube suddenly started recommending me videos about all the crap surrounding lily. i haven't followed her for a couple years now, but i did for quite a few at one point, and it's been... definitely a trip to see everything. a lot of processing happening, and i wanted to put my experience somewhere, in case anyone else can relate, and hopefully find comfort in solidarity.

i don't remember exactly when i found lily, but i was in my late teens-early 20s when i did. at the time i found her content, i was very freshly grappling with the realization that i'd been abused numerous times throughout my childhood by various people. and, as a result, i had a lot of anger, resentment, and other super complicated emotions and reactions to deal with.

at first, finding lily's content at that pivotal time, was really comforting and vindicating. because she was affirming all the negative stuff i was feeling was okay to feel... normal even. and feeling that way in response to abuse didn't make me a bad person. it just... made me a person who was reacting to abuse.

there were also a lot of opinions i agreed with her on. one of which being that the normalization of the q word, as a person who grew up in the southern us and has had it violently used against me numerous times, makes me super uncomfortable. so, her video about it was... again, validating. gratifying. vindicating. etc. (though i would like to clarify that i have zero issue with people who use it for themselves. they have every right to. i just can't handle having it used on me, directly or indirectly with group usage)

i commented on the video to express that. i don't even remember what i said exactly. i know i mentioned my identities within the lgbt community, and that her video made me feel valid for being so viscerally uncomfy with people calling me the q word, instead of the words i openly identity with. and she... deleted the comment. twice.

still no idea why to this day. as far as i remember, i completely agreed with her, and validated her points. but, still, twice. my comment got deleted. and i know it was deleted specifically because it was posted when i sent it, and then i went to check if she'd ever replied to it or seen it, and couldn't find it again.

it really fucking hurt, honestly. and, like i said, still to this day i can't think of even a convoluted reason why she'd delete my comment fully supporting her. i thought it was a mistake at first, but the second time it happened, it was clear she was deleting it herself. and, after that, i realized i felt the exact same invalidation and rejection i did from my abusers. i felt that exact same sinking "oh god, what did i do?!" panic i did from my abusers. i felt the exact same spiraling confusion because my logic brain knew i didn't actually do anything wrong at all. all of that shit.

and then, i realized that honestly, her content itself sorta made me feel that way, too. there were numerous times when i was still an avid watcher of her content that i had to stop watching because it started to get triggering. it made me feel like i was being yelled at. and it was especially triggering when that happened during a section i disagreed with. or when i felt like whatever she was talking about wasn't the huge deal she was making it out to be.

it's kinda wild i got put down this rabbit hole now, honestly. i've been dealing with people exactly fucking like her in my personal life all year. nasty, selfish cowards with superiority complexes the size of jupiter, and victim complexes the size of the whole damn universe.

something always felt off to me about somehow SO many people from her past had the same experiences with her that painted her in a negative light. and, her only response to it was twisting the narrative to be like 'no, actually, THEY suck'. and just refusing to ever take accountability for even something as minor as not crediting artists she steals from for images in her videos, up to full on abuse and grooming allegations. when i was too young to understand the red flags those were, i brushed it off. but, now, after dealing with so many people like her... i feel bad i ever believed that crap for a second.

she reminds me of the people i've dealt with recently, too. they all pulled that same shit on me. they beat me to a bloody pulp during the worst, darkest year of my life, and then had the gall to accuse me of being the one with a victim complex, who makes everything about me, and demands everyone grovel at my feet when all i ever expected from them was bare minimum decency and compassion during a very traumatizing, and dark time in my life.

it's truly sickening to see someone like that with such a significant audience. especially when she has done so many horrible, horrible things. and, has the gall to be someone with a victim complex that turns her audience on anyone who dares to call her out. even with evidence. she always has an excuse to dodge blame, but never any reason to take accountability.

i never actively engaged with her directly outside of that comment, so i obviously am not a direct victim of her, but even as a very surface level consumer of her content on youtube and on here, she definitely contributed to completely fucking with my head for a number of years.

i apologize to all of her victims for ever believing her crap at face value. and, i hope you are all doing well. those of you that run these blogs as well, please take good care of yourselves. i know firsthand how exhausting it is to have to be a log keeper for your abuser's misdeeds, but you are truly doing a huge service to people by making who she truly is known. you've helped make all this processing a lot easier for me, and i'm sure have prevented numerous others from becoming her victims, or being further victimized by her. thank you for that.

i wish i could say i hope she learns from her mistakes and gets a grip, but if my run-ins with people like her are any indication... even if she had the rudest awakening with every single ounce of karma she's stacked up for herself, if she hasn't learned by now... it's cause she's aware and doesn't care, or straight up is so far up her own ass she'll never see it.

i at least hope the rise of people critical of her on here and youtube helps the narrative shift. especially with the addition of courtney's testimonies against her. y'all deserve that narrative shifted peace of mind.

#lily orchard

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xueyuverse · 5 months ago

Text

"The Henna Wars" review

♥️ 10/10

⚠️ Possible spoilers

I finished The Henna Wars and my god what an incredible book. I devoured this book, in one day I read 80% of it. It has such a pleasant rhythm, the writing is so addictive, it generates so much curiosity and makes you freak out so much that it's honestly very difficult to stop reading.

This book debates cultural appropriation in a way I've never seen before. Yes, you can use art, food etc made by non-white people, no, you can't take it as your own, want to go over someone whose thing you are using/reproducing/consuming be part of that person's culture and then act as if it were just fashion, as if diversity were something just for profit, as if it wasn't part of someone's experience.

Appreciate and even utilize art from other cultures made by people from those cultures, and when someone from that culture is saying that what you're doing (without even knowing what you're doing) is cultural appropriation and racism, shut up and listen. It's not about you.

Nishat suffered racism and homophobia in a hellish way. She saw other people using her culture to win a competition and profit /while/ they were racist and violent towards her at the same time that she had to deal with her own friends saying that her discomfort was victimism and childishness. It's no wonder that she had no desire to respond to the violence, because even her own friends saw her pain as nonsense or selfishness. No one cared what she had to say, or her feelings.

I am genuinely happy to have followed the development of these people, especially Nishat's parents. Her parents, whose story made Nishat muster the courage to come out to them, but who were ashamed of their own story and didn't want Nishat to be the shame of their family like they were to hers. However, they really sought to understand, they tried hard to change their limited mindset and support their daughter.

I understand their fear of also not wanting their daughter to suffer from gossip, rejection and other violence, because I've heard my own mother say that too, but after someone brought her out to the entire school, I believe this made them start to put Nishat's safety and happiness first. And it was actually really nice to read, it reminded me of how my mother reacted to me being a lesbian.

Her reaction was the same as Flávia's mother, in fact, but the way Nishat's parents went about studying the community out of love for their daughter reminded me of my mother. It was really cute to read them worrying about what Flávia would want to eat for dinner.

As for Flávia, her development is also very good. I didn't really like how oblivious she was to the racism and bullying that Nishat suffered, it made me very uncomfortable, mainly because her cousin is precisely the person who did all this to her the most, but I believe that she improved a lot like everyone else there, she recognized her mistakes and would be someone who would continue to improve after the end of the book.

I really liked how the author addressed xenophobia against Brazilians too. I don't know if you, foreign moots, have any idea, but, as Brazil is known as the country of Carnival, Football and Funk, foreigners (mainly Americans and Europeans) end up relating these things to mess and bitching, also adding to the fact that they see us as a people incapable of forming complex thoughts (there have literally been Europeans saying that either you are Brazilian or you are a thinking being), and those who suffer most from this are women.

Latina women in general already suffer from a lot of sexism, and speaking as an afab Brazilian, I know how sexualized Brazilian women are, seen as someone who would accept anything and treated like stupid, quarrelsome bitches.

Flávia is a black, bisexual and Brazilian woman, the stereotype gets even worse with people like her.

The author portrayed this very well, she perfectly showed how much Flávia feels out of place in Ireland and uncomfortable because she is fully aware that being Brazilian makes her a very big target of sexism there, while also showing that her dual nationality makes her also have some identity crisis.

The characters in this book will definitely remind you of at least one person you knew in real life, and I think it's impossible for you not to identify with anything there or not feel welcomed/represented.

#review #the henna wars #nishat #flavia #lesbian midia #sapphic books

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johnnyraine · 2 years ago

Text

Next to Me - Ch. 5

Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4, Ch. 6

Words: 1,336

18th of January, 2023

A.N.: Sorry, it took so long. At first, it was general laziness; then there was a flood and I had to leave; then I was depressed; I got back and it was general laziness again & cleanup; I finished a fic, but no one cared for it, so depressed again; then I finally finished this chapter.

~~~~~

"We can do whatever we want he-"

You stop listening to your "partner." Apparently, there isn't really much that the Militia "does." The patrol you're currently on was your idea, and even then, you only mentioned it. As if it's what they do.

It's not. And your partner decided to continuously remind you.

"Why would you tell Aguni that? Why did he listen to you anyway?" He complains.

'I honestly don't know,' You think, regretting this.

You still remember Aguni's empty stare before he split you up into pairs. Luckily, Niragi was put with someone else.

'I might've just beat him if we were together.'

An hour passes with your partner complaining, taking swigs from a bottle, or just harassing fellow Beach members.

"Okay," You say.

After the latest, now uncomfortable, Beach members turn a corner, you grab "Ken-something," and throw him against the wall.

"He- Ack!" He chokes out, dropping his bottle and grabbing at the arm on his throat.

Pushing against his throat, you point directly in his face.

"If I hear another word, I will rip your fucking tongue out. Okay?" He nods, eyes wide. "If you touch, grab, or even say some shit to any other Beach members, I'll break your arm."

"Got it?"

He chokes out a yes and you let him go.

"Come on, we still have some time left."

The rest of your patrol passes in silence.

Your next partner, Daisuke, is much better. He took to your idea of patrols with some determination. There's no drinking, complaining, at least not about the patrol, or harassing others.

He seems like a fine person.

"Another one," He says, seeing another couple being "busy" down the hall.

"You'd hope they'd find a room instead," You say, moving on.

"Preferably Hatter's. See if he likes a free sex show."

You chuckle, "He probably would."

Back and forth your conversation goes, enjoying the other's company. You believe by the end of your patrol, Daisuke will likely be one of the few people you can tolerate here.

There's a pause in the conversation as you're in your last thirty minutes with him. As you believe it'll end in silence, Daisuke asks you something.

"Why did you hit Niragi?"

You should've known he'd say something about that, but it doesn't stop you from making a face anyway.

Coming to a stop, you face him, "Because he deserved it. Simple as that."

It's Daisuke's turn to make a face, though you can't tell if it's approval or not.

He motions to continue walking, "Do not get me wrong, I think Niragi deserved it. Many in the Militia do. But…"

He stops and turns to you.

"You could have died, W/l/n. You are fortunate that you know each other."

"Why's that?"

He raises an eyebrow, "How long have you been here?"

You think about it for a minute.

"Maybe a week or so."

"And you have not seen the Militia's more violent members or their violent tendencies?"

"No, I've been hiding," You answer, beginning to lose your patience.

"Niragi is known for being one of, if not, the most violent member. I have seen him beat a man with his gun for annoying him. With no hesitation, he killed an entire group of "traitors" who simply tried to leave."

You look like you ate a lemon, anger fills your entire being.

"Yet," He says. "When Aguni pulled a gun on you, Niragi tried to stop him. With him also calling out your name, it is evident you two know each other."

"Hatter stopped Aguni," You grit out.

"But Niragi tried to stop him before Hatter showed up."

You stare at him for a few moments, refusing to answer some unasked question. Daisuke gives in first and your patrol ends sometime later.

'Well, he left an impression,' You think.

"Y/n."

You startle and look at Aguni with some of the Militia.

'Even when he speaks normally, it sounds like barking.'

Or perhaps you were just distracted, thinking about the new information you have about your old friend.

"You two are together. Go."

He dismisses you and you look at your next partner.

"Why would I work with him?' He asks incredulously.

Your eyes catch your partner. Niragi sneers at you before looking at Aguni. The man simply blinks, looking at Niragi until he looks away.

And so it begins.

However long passes with you two in tense silence. Honestly, you expected Niragi to have said something by now. But, he's silent. You don't know why. For you, you haven't spoken because you think you might punch him.

'Calm yourself, Y/n. Calm yourself.' You take deep breaths.

"What's wrong with you?" Niragi asks with an attitude.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?"

'Fuck,' You think.

You just blurted it out, not even thinking.

"What?"

He gets in your face and you grab his shirt.

"I said what the fuck's wrong with you, Niragi?! I don't see you in years and the first thing I see, is you attempting to abduct someone for your fucking boss."

Throwing him for a second, he recovers in a rage. Shoving you into a wall, he didn't plan on your grip being so strong.

Your back hits the wall and Niragi is knocked off balance. You headbutt each other.

You curse, letting him go.

"Are you seriously still such an idiot?!" He yells, clutching his forehead.

You bristle at that. Just barely, you withhold your anger. Taking a moment to collect yourself, when you open your eyes, Niragi's gone.

"Fu-" You hiss, taking another deep breath.

Aguni later rips you a new one. Even though he didn't raise his voice, you feel cowed. You don't know if you can take him. You may not be that smart, but you certainly aren't that dumb.

The next time you see Niragi is on a car ride to a game. You are unfortunately in the same group.

It's an awkward ride.

The others must sense the tension because no one says anything. Leaving you all in a long silence. The driver glances at you in the mirror, but quickly looks away from your gaze.

'I'm making a face, aren't I?' You rub your face.

You arrive at the venue; it's diamonds.

You sigh, dropping your head.

~~~~~

Dragging yourself to your room, you disregard the thought of hiding and sleeping elsewhere.

The game wasn't nearly as hard as you believed it would be. That doesn't mean it was particularly easy.

There were six of you: two from the militia; two regular Beach members, and you and Niragi. By the end, there are four.

The only part you care about is that no one had to die. You are certain of it. The last Militia member even knows it.

"That fucker!" You growl.

Niragi was on some fucking high. Though only a suspicion, you believe he knew how to solve the game, but chose to say nothing. When one person died, it was an unfortunate incident.

You weren't paying attention to anyone in particular.

When a Militia member died, he was in hysteria. Apparently, he knew the previous person.

When he died, you saw Niragi smirk. As if enjoying it!

You paid attention when someone else was likely going to die. However long ago it was, you could still tell Niragi was hiding something.

It's only because it's still only a suspicion that you feel somewhat bad.

You "handled" him. Hitting and shaking him to and fro, screaming at him to "fucking help, damn it!"

If the timer wasn't running low, you know he would have fought back harder. He reluctantly helped to win the game, after which he simmered in the car ride back "home."

You know it wasn't just because of what you did, but because others saw.

But you can't care much more about it. Two people are unnecessarily dead.

Collapsing into your bed, you don't even block the door.

"I wish, he'd try something," You mumble into the sheets, just hoping he'd give you a reason to beat his ass.

In no time, you fall asleep, awaiting the next day and its problems.

← Chapter 4 - Chapter 6 →

#suguru niragi x male reader #niragi x male reader #alice in borderland x male reader #comeback and rewrite #x male reader

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