#but he also can’t consistently tell what is a performance and what is really him

[daydreamerdrew]

Iron Man (1968) #105

[watchingsunrises]

Ziam is real, climb on board

For the first time, we’re experiencing a genuine influx of people looking into Ziam, the real relationship between Zayn and Liam. And honestly it’s about time. It’s always been so beautiful and devoted and consistent and visible to those willing to invest and find out for themselves. It’s also been so unseen and dismissed and a bit buried by Larry too. I’m a Larry too, but right now I’m all about Ziam. I’m really happy Ziam is getting there deserved time seeing some light.

I’m not here to convince anyone. Ziam isn’t new, it has been around and discussed and real since 2012 when we believe their relationship started extending beyond friendship. There is an existing treasure trove that can be sought out by people willing to open their mind and examine it, especially from Zayn and Liam themselves. Right from the start and up until present day. 

The truth is we are experiencing a moment we weren’t expecting. First with Liam’s death. Now with Zayn touring for the first time ever as a solo artist. 

People are interested in Liam and that is a normal reaction. People are noticing a lot of things that don’t make sense and are curious and questioning that. People can’t make sense about his relationship with his “girlfriend”, the public PR performance at his funeral of a select group of celebrities (all aligned with Modest, Simon Jones PR or existing narratives regarding the boys) and of course the narrative around his “son” Bear.

Usually when things don’t make sense, there is a good reason, we know this with Larry too, and so in the same way people should look and critically engage. Gaps can’t always be filled when we are dealing with public media narratives that then clearly don’t align with who a person really is consistently as a human. It's pretty hard work for all involved to contain a decades plus closet, in times like this. That is a big part of what people are noticing with Liam. They should question public narratives and media. Liam wanted to be seen and heard for who he really was, and celebrating and talking about Ziam right now is one of the biggest parts of seeing and knowing Liam. Its not disrespectful if you've done the work to see and know, just like with Larry.

Now we also finally have Zayn touring for the first time ever as a solo artist. Seeing him on stage after a 10 year wait is kind of exhilarating and like any of the boys you get a reminder on stage of who the person really is, really leaning in and hearing the lyrics live and seeing his being. Zayn is very definitely coding to us in a way that he hasn’t been able to do so before. He knew we would be looking and he wants to be seen. He is literally telling us that he is honest and truthful in his music. Zayn’s public narrative has never made sense either, it's all the same closeting stuff. Copy of a copy of a copy.

The narrative set up for Room Under the Stairs was actually quite strange, and in reality it translates very poorly to the lyrics and the emotions. So many gaps and things that don't make sense. In the future I will share some analysis on RUTS. I’ve been immersed in the album non-stop since May. The album to me is mostly about his closet - the pain it has caused him, the effect it has had on his relationship, the pain and effect it has had on his long term partner, the ways in which he has had to reframe his mindset to live within the reality of his closet, the ways he has changed his lifestyle to focus on the simple things in life to help his mental health impacted by his closet (and other things). Yet throughout all that heartbreaking pain, he still talks about his person, his lover, he refers to 'they' in many key lyrics, he brings his partner into the lyrics clearly, lyrics that clearly refer back to past and present times. Its the same person, it always has been in Zayn's lyrics. He tells them and us that he wouldn’t change anything despite all that pain, that their love has been worth it, that he is devoted, that their love was like stardust from the start until forever. The most specific songs relating to his person haven't been included on the tour setlist - How it Feels, The Time, False Starts, Grateful, Something in the Water and of course Stardust. They are the strongest songs on the album, the ones that have made me cry non-stop for the last 6 months. I suspect he rearranged the setlist, they would have been too hard to sing live. Instead we see a few B sides we wouldn't have expected on tour. I hope more people will listen to RUTS, it's absolutely devastating, empowering and life affirming and you can really see and feel who Zayn is.

Enjoy your Ziam journey if you decide to take it.

[skyeoak]

Tmagp 30 thoughts

Vocal performances all slayed. 10/10

I think there’s a lot of good and bad in the finale! But overall, it feels underbaked. (Or overplotted/overplanned?)

I’ll save my finalized thoughts on the hilltop center to see if it’s developed in further seasons, because uh, hmm. Jonny said in the live drop that carousels of horrors were his favorite to write, but they sure are not realllyyyy my favorite to listen to. They’re kind of thematic scattershot. And yeah, one of my critiques about TMA is that I don’t love how we only rarely see how the fears combine and interact. Having multiple creepy things in a curiosity cabinet -com shopping center doesn’t really solve that problem for me.

The idea of a character turning a blind eye to an obviously creepy job is still interesting, especially in how it parallels the staff of the OIAR. But that’s kinda the start and end of my interest in the custodian? It feels like this story could have been shrunk to 1/3 length and had a better effect. I just feel like this should have been a midseason statement, and the finale could have focused on having some sort of action or tension. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting the finale to have a statement at all, to be structurally in line with early TMA. Maybe a full statement/story from Celia, giving the non-TMA audience some idea of why she thinks there’s nothing to go back to in her universe. Hell. Maybe she could just. Tell Sam, uncompelled. I would have loved to see her try to convince him to jump. Convince him that her new life matters more than his (perceived) failure of one. Instead… this is another episode where I feel like the double meaning titles weigh down what the statement could be. And it’s the season finale.

I wondered early on if the finale for this season would feel more like setup for future seasons, and yep. Yep it did. It just felt like there was this inherent tension between the stakes of the story, which are already at interdimensional travel, and the level of danger it feels like everyone is in. Not to mention how Celia just drops a list of alchemical balance things out of the blue. Magnus Protocol is in a tricky situation: they need to set up a new conflict and new characters, and at the same time, Magpod has already done mega-apocalypse hellscapes and so TMagP might feel the need to go bigger. (Imo I don’t think sequels always need to raise the stakes but I understand that’s industry standard). It’s also tackling alchemy, a notoriously complex subject that’s probably hard to explain to an audience in any way that feels natural. You can’t just throw murder worm lady and screaming main character in the finale and call it a day. There’s a lot going on, less time, and I don’t know if the characterization this season was consistent (/consistently good) enough to hold the full weight of it all.

OKAY, WHELMED THOUGHTS OVER, now for the good! Surprise surprise, it’s all the little character payoffs!

Gwen and Lena’s confrontation was EVERYTHING. Gwen is kicking anthills, and Lena is so content to let her stand in them while the ants crawl up her legs. I won’t lie though, I’m not sure if this plotline will be interesting to me. I think it depends on how fast the OIAR staff can get Gwen to actually be on their side.

Sam deciding to protect Celia by pushing the archivist into the void is SENSATIONAL CHARACTER PAYOFF. (This is my interpretation of the scene, audio was super unclear once again, and there was a line change from transcript to podcast that made this super ambiguous in the actual canon audio.) My poor guy has ZERO self esteem, and still wants to be a hero. He probably realized that if what Celia just told him was true, an archivist could actually kill her on the spot. My guess is that (tma spoilers) this balanced the rift not because Celia replaced her own missing soul (plenty of folks got sent through hilltop road in that same incident) but because an archivist+a person were pulled through to replace Jon and Martin. Truly excited to see where they end up, and if this archivist gets developed more as a character next season. Also the implications of interdimensional balance on what happened at the end of TMA are… interesting.

Oh Alice. Everything in this intricately balanced house of checking up on people and soothing them and deflecting tension with jokes is about to come crashing down. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

And yes, this is a super lukewarm episode review but I do wanna say I liked this season a lot, and TMAGP is still a cut above a LOT of horror I have read/listened to this year. I’m hoping seasons 2 and 3 will either steer further into a direct TMA sequel, angle OR steer clear and become their own thing. TMAGP is stuck uncomfortably in the middle right now. Just be the good parts of her. But completely new.

[yuurei20]

Trey Info Compilation part 18: Lilia and Singing

Lilia and Trey share homeroom classes, and Lilia seems to consistently baffle Trey: when Lilia wishes for all species to live in harmony during the Wish Upon a Star event Trey tells him that he is so used to Lilia’s antics that he doesn’t really believe that that is his true wish.

Lilia insists that his wish “is cute, wholesome, and pure—just like me” and Trey responds, “You do realize you undermine your credibility when you say those things about yourself, right?”

Trey comments that the information Lilia teaches to Silver feels like “utter nonsense.”

Trey being suspicious of Lilia’s information is a running theme: when Lilia tells him about the history of magical pens Trey says, “It’s funny how you talk as if you were really there," and that, while Lilia’s imagination is impressive, they can’t use any of his information in their essay for history class.

Trey follows up with, “Whenever I talk to you, I have the hardest time figuring out what's true and what isn’t…you did make all of that up, right?”

Trey seems to have respect for Lilia as Diasomnia’s vice-housewarden, saying that “Lilia also runs himself ragged on ceremony days.”

Trey attempts to buy spices, oils and dressing for use in cooking as souvenirs for Lilia during the Firelit Sky event, but gives up when Malleus threatens both him and Cater with “consequences to that choice.”

Trey says that he is terrible at singing and dancing, which we see in action when Eliza pressures him to sing during Phantom Bride in a performance that Ace describes as “hysterical” and “terribad.” Chenya talks to Trey about spontaneous musical numbers during Halloween.

Rook describes Trey’s dance steps as “unique” and “fascinating” when they dance together at the end of Spectral Soiree, but when Deuce comments on dancing being harder than it looks Trey says that he has had a lot of experience: “Since my family ran a business, whenever there weren’t enough volunteers for some sort of local event, we’d get roped into it.”

In a voice line he says he hasn’t danced in front of an audience since elementary school.

[high-queen-of-the-court]

aftg characters and athletic brands

jorts are not being considered as Athletic clothing here, thank you

neil: all of his clothes are different brands. he’ll walk out of the dorm with adidas socks, under armour shirt, nike shoes, and some pair of unidentifiable shorts. he def mainly wears nike.

Andrew: adidas and that’s the ONLY one. he’s got the whole collection in black

Kevin: dawg is SUCH a nerd when it comes to athletic clothing (and i appreciate that). despite his organized tendencies, he buys each individual item based on its performance instead of looks. he’ll get long distance running shoes from hoka, shirts from Nike, socks from under armour, etc because that’s what fits his performance needs. he definitely gets lululemon shorts when he goes pro

Matt: NEW BALANCE!!!! he gets the retro looking shorts and the dad shoes. (he’s training for the future by breaking those shoes in)

Nicky: he wear lululemon and i feel like i shouldn’t have to elaborate on that. it’s higher end and more “trendy” him and Allison go on hot girl walks with their lulu Fanny packs

Renee: asics for sure. i feel like she’s also a tennis girlie (she would just slay a tennis skirt/ dress okay) they have a good collection of those and other athletic stuff.

aaron: he doesn’t really care. he just wears what katelyn tells him he looks good in tbh. katelyn feels like one of those people that doesn’t typically stick with one brand, so aaron wears a variety of brands. this being said, he’s probably surprisingly trendy (he doesn’t notice this tho)

Dan: she’s a champion girlie. she rocks the sweatpants and top/biker short sets like NO OTHER!!! the sets are good for running, lifting, biking, and look good with pullovers/sweat pants. Dan also probably wears adidas, especially their shoes. outside of athletic brands, she definitely only wears short socks

Allison: she wears lululemon exclusively. she’s got the shorts, swiftly techs, and pullovers in every color. she wears the brightest colors the most. Allison pulls it off and looks VERY intimidating in the bright colors cause it makes her stand out EVEN MORE

Jean: dawg is an under armour guy PERIOD. NO ARGUMENTS. i can’t explain this one exactly but i feel it in my bones. he’s just an under armour guy, okay??? he loves their compression tights and sleeves.

Jeremy: dawgs closet is just a mess. he doesn’t know what he’s shopping for half the time and pulls the colors he likes off the rack. he definitely really likes gym shark clothes

Wymack: he wears whatever is sponsoring the teams jerseys and practice clothing. coach is just consistent like that

[1dhq]

Re Louis' festival set-list choices... It’s a bit of a shame people can’t take a step back and see things more from his perspective. Moving into the festival space is a big deal for him and very much out of his comfort zone. He tells us over and over again about how he takes so much of his energy from the crowds at his shows, how much confidence they give him, about how he feels the love and support, and how if the audience has a good time, then he has a good time. So the mixed audiences at these festivals are a completely different environment for him.

He also talks about how he gets anxious, even before walking out on stage for one of his own shows where he knows that the audience is there just for him. It stands to reason then that those worries are significantly multiplied when he’s about to perform in front of a festival crowd. While there was a great show of support from his fans at Pinkpop - and likely will be at many other festivals over the summer - it’s not the same as the guarantee he has for his tour shows. In his own words at Pinkpop - “As I said before, I’ve not done this a lot, right? So, truthfully, I was fucking shitting it before I came out here.”

His chats between songs, which are such a big part of his tour shows, have to be different for the festivals as well. It’s not the same audience makeup, and the heartfelt, open, and thankful nature of those speeches won’t necessarily resonate with the festival crowds in the same way. 

In the same vein, his setlist needed to adjust. Louis has built a solid and dedicated fanbase, and while we might know all of his songs by heart, that’s obviously not the same with the festival crowds. As much as he’s been able to maintain and build his fanbase, it’s been done without his music achieving radio play, TikTok trends, or other viral social media events to broaden his exposure. Walls and FITF didn’t really have any tracks that received wide recognition, perhaps aside from Two Of Us, which doesn’t fit his current genre of music. His biggest songs have been BTY and JHO, and while he’s found a permanent place for the BTY rock version, something is holding him back from consistently performing JHO, even though he did perform it at Tecate Pa’l Norte and we’ve seen it on the set list a few times recently, he’s clearly nervous for some reason and skipped it at Pinkpop.

It’s interesting that ‘7’ has found what appears to be a permanent place on his shortened festival set list as he performed it at Tecate too, and while it was probably a toss-up between 505 and 7, it's doubtful that Chemical would have been in contention. It hasn’t really resonated with his own fans at the tour shows in the same way 505 or 7 have, and it's doesn't seem like he's really been completely comfortable performing it.

The Tecate set list also included Bigger Than Me and to be honest, it's not a surprise that it didn’t make it to Pinkpop. It’s always been a challenge for him to deliver vocally, and on average, he’s dropped it from his tour shows as much as he’s performed it.

The other songs from tour that he’s leaving out make sense when looking at the overall vibe and energy he’s going for. He also doesn’t have the same amount of time across the shortened set list to achieve the ebbs and flows as he does with a 20 song set. HOTH is lovely, but slower, and it’s the same with Angels Fly, Lucky Again, and COACOA, which are all used to ease off the pace before ramping up to rockier songs or leading in/out of his chats. Chicago is a great song, but also slower, and fans love it partly because of the audience participation aspect, which likely wouldn’t translate to a mixed audience of fans/festival goers. The Mega Mix is a challenging one. While it could potentially be great at festivals, it’s more of a nighttime song, and less rock and more dance in terms of genre, so it wouldn’t necessarily fit as well as other tracks. Then there’s Saturdays, which is soft and lovely, but runs long at 6 mins. Perhaps if it had one less verse at the beginning before the crescendo, then it could work, but it might step up too slowly to be successful when the majority of the crowd aren’t going to be familiar with it

The 1D covers from Pinkpop are the same as those from Tecate - DMD, Night Changes, and WDBHG - and are obviously his go-to 1D songs that he’s familiar with and confident in his ability to perform them. DMD is also short at around 3.20 and fits well into the set list after KMM with the arrangement that they use. Night Changes is one of the more well known 1D songs, and he seems to really enjoy performing it, which is the same with WDBHG. 

The challenge of needing to balance things out between his solo songs and the covers is a difficult one. On the one hand, it’s great to perform his solo songs and for more people to get to hear them and potentially become new fans. On the other hand, the set list needs to appeal to those who perhaps have never heard his solo music and might be more likely to have heard the 1D songs, and at least they’re getting to hear Louis’ rockier versions.

Anyway, this is all just my opinion, of course. Do I wish he was performing more of his solo music and less covers? Sure, but I also get why he’s constructed the set list this way. It makes sense and he’s comfortable with it, and at the end of the day, he’ll be out there performing his solo music to hundreds of thousands of people over the summer, so that’s all upside in my book!

well said, i agree with most of this! except maybe the bigger than me point you’re making, i would argue he‘s dropped in when necessary for his vocal health, not because it’s generally too challenging. but that’s just me! overall great comparison between that other festival set and the pinkpop one!

[archaeren]

just an informal list of reasons to love Tanakamigi Chui

this is not my full essay but it's a quick list of reasons off the top of my head from someone who asked me on reddit

canonically the most “honest and straightforward” character in the game (Neji’s words, and they do hold true) I can’t stand being lied to, even about small things, and I don’t want Kisa to be lied to either. Chui does never and will never lie to her. He’ll straight up tell Kisa things that he’s definitely supposed to be keeping secret. He’s so honest, it’s actively uncomfortable for other people. He’s not trying to be mean, he’s not trying to be ‘brutally honest’, he’s just awkwardly honest and it’s cute and good and I love him for it. Man who doesn’t lie? So hot.

this is a man who will admit when he’s wrong. UNPROMPTED. do you all realize how rare this actually is? Nobody is expecting him to do this. It doesn't benefit him to do it. He just does it because he thinks it's the right thing to do. I feel like everybody expects him to be such a huge egotistical douche (especially after his little speech about how he feels nothing from Quartz's performances--and then it turns out that wasn't him being a dick, he apparently just sincerely feels that way) and then he will repeatedly UNPROMPTED come up to the members of Quartz to be like, “hey so I was wrong about x thing and I really learned a lot from watching you guys” and honestly this is so rare and not a thing guys tend to do in real life that this alone was enough to capture my heart. Seriously, first time I saw his reaction after the fall performance, I was like, "oh no it's over for me" A man who admits when he’s wrong!! Oh my god, he and Kisa would have such a healthy relationship between that and the not-lying thing. No mind games from this guy. Fuckin love to see it.

comes out swinging when it comes to defending Kisa There aren’t many scenes in the game where we have the opportunity to see how he reacts when he feels like Kisa is being insulted because it just doesn’t happen in front of him that often, but WHEN IT DOES oh man, he employs a few well-chosen words of COMPLETE AND UTTER OBLITERATION. You ain’t gonna insult the transparent vessel like that in front of Tanakamigi Chui, hell no! Even when it’s only that he feels like Amber’s win against Quartz wasn’t justified (try getting second place in the fall performance sometime lol, it's EXTREMELY worth it imo), he completely eviscerates his underclassmen over it. That's how you know he really cares about making sure the record is kept straight, because apparently there are only two things that matter to Tanakamigi Chui: Art, and Truth.

drinks his respect Kisa juice (post-winter play spoilers) it’s a consistent behavior for him across routes that he pursues Kisa pretty doggedly and seems like he won’t take ‘no’ for an answer—until you realize that he’ll only take Kisa’s ‘no’ for an answer. Anyone else tells him to back off, he’ll be like, “mmm nah, you don’t know what you’re talking about” but the moment Kisa tells him no or that he sees evidence that she’s not interested, he immediately backs off. He also continues to show respect for her after this, as a performer and rival, his respect is not conditional on her potential as a stage partner. (He also knows her secret after a certain point, but instead of using it against her to strong-arm her into getting his way like you might expect an antagonist to do, he’s basically like, “wow you really risked it all for the stage, that’s SO FUCKING BADASS and exactly what I’m looking for in a stage partner, please team up with me”) It’s really telling that his way of asking her to be his partner is always to offer her his hand, which is a recurring theme with them.

Chui and Kisa are straight-up soulmate-coded (Kisa route spoilers) this might be unintentional, but for some reason the game REALLY goes out of its way to drive home the point that they’re the only true equals for each other, that they’re the only ones who can fully bring out each other’s talent, that they’re so talent-compatible that it’s a little spooky, that Chui is desperately lonely without Kisa, that they can sense each other’s presence, that they’re both willing to give everything for the stage, and that they’re both hiding who they really are. (Chui is, in fact, the only one at Univeil who could actually personally understand Kisa's dilemma of hiding her identity to prevent expulsion--he's in a similar position for political reasons.) How else are we supposed to interpret all of that except that they’re meant to be together? (So why CAN’T they be??)

Chui would do more for Kisa than Chuza will (Kisa route spoilers) This is getting very much into Kisa route spoiler territory but Chui directly states that he doesn’t give a damn about Kisa’s gender, he just wants to perform with her. We can extrapolate from his behavior in Fumi’s route that he’s willing to go pretty far to ensure that can happen. In the power struggle between Chui and Chuza, I think it’s safe to assume that Chui would actually be WAY more ready to embrace relaxing the boys-only rule than Chuza is, just because all Chui actually cares about is getting the best talent, not in traditions or playing power games. Honestly I haven't the fainest idea why the game thinks we should support Chuza over Chui, and that's not even my Chui bias talking--in my experience, that's a pretty common sentiment in the fandom. XD

lbr, he’s damn fine that VOICE. those HANDS. his huge pretty eyes and long eyelashes. he’s so TALL and BENDY and AWKWARD and a DORK and I love it. he’s so GREY and his haircut is so STUPID and I just want to allow him to snuggle a soft pink creature (aka Kisa)

ahem. anyway.

[c2-eh]

Happy birthday beloved @f1-stuff <3 i love you sooooo much i hope your birthday is amazing. Mwaaah, here's tiny something for you, I hope you like it <333

Charles wasn't really sure what was going on. He was gripping the golf club in his hand, as if his life depended on it and he tried to focus on the little white ball in front of him. Or next to him. Whatever, he has no idea how this sport works. He only knows that he has to hit the ball well to make Carlos proud of him.

Charles likes to tell himself he's... okay at golf. At least he can hit the ball, no? As it turned out he was wrong, he is shit. Extremely shit in comparison to Carlos and Lando that were with him right now, so he felt like an idiot trying to perform his best. What didn’t help was these two watching him intently. Carlos with love and fondness, and Lando with calculation.

Honestly, Charles would be lying if he said he wasn't sulking. He was positively on his way to stomping his foot and whimpering in displeasure, because this was boring and his boyfriend looked like he was having too much fun watching him suffering.

He furrowed his eyebrows and sighed – loudly, so they both could hear him – when he hit the ball. Charles watched the little ball flying for a bit and then falling on perfectly green grass, rolling for a second before stopping. Charles wasn’t sure if it was a good hit or not, he just wanted Carlos’ attention to return back to him.

“That was a very good shot, cariño,” Carlos says and moves closer to him, kissing his temple, “but let me show you how to do it properly.”

Carlos’ low voice whispering into his ear sends shiver down Charles’ back and he nods absentmindedly, his mind and body only wanting Carlos close. If he knew that hitting the ball wrong (well, for him it was a good fucking shot) would grant him Carlos plastering himself against his back, he would’ve done it way sooner.

“The posture is the most important thing,” he says and starts to explain how his foot needs to be ahead of the ball, but Charles does not give a flying fuck. The only thing he sees is Carlos’ thighs flexing in his tiny shorts, when he tries to demonstrate the position Charles needs to be in. Charles almost drools at the sight – his strong and hairy thighs on display just for him.

Carlos is talking, explaining how he should be postured and what he’s supposed to do – how to swing and other things Charles doesn’t care about– so Charles is not listening. No, he just wants to drag Carlos close and kiss him till he can’t let a single word out about those stupid golf rules.

So he does exactly that.

Carlos’ lips are soft as always and he responds immediately, dropping the golf club on the ground to hug Charles, his arms tight around his lower back. Charles smiles into the kiss, opening his mouth to let Carlos in.

The kiss is soft and slow, just like many of their kisses when he lets Carlos lead. He savours every moment of it – the press of Carlos’ lips against his. His tongue softly prodding at his mouth, asking for entrance which Charles immediately obeys.

Charles smirks as soon as he feels Carlos’ hands moving lower to his ass, palming his ass first before squeezing it. He’s not sure how long they’ve been kissing for, before he hears Lando groan.

“Can you not? Leave that in private,” he sounds annoyed, but also amused. Charles giggles against Carlos’ mouth and pushes him away. He stumbles away slightly, as if someone had snapped him out of his trance, which consisted of Charles’ mouth. He visibly shakes his head as if he’s some cartoon character, which makes Charles giggle again.

“We will leave the golf lessons for later. When we’re alone,” he says and Charles can hear Lando mumble yes sure, golf lesson to himself.

Charles smiles innocently and turns around, so he can pick up the golf club from where Carlos dropped it. He hears him hiss and smirks, hand outstretched to give it to him, “go win some for me,” he says and kisses his cheek.

He can’t wait for them to get home.

[anerdinallherglory]

Approaching Sun (34)

Author’s Note: Hi! Me again! Life is consistently a wild ride. I have OCD when it comes to raising my child and want to be as emotionally and physically available as I can as a mom, so my free time is limited. I completely underestimated the SAHM gig; it’s a 24 hour job. It also takes me twice as long to knock out a chapter because I can only find the time to write during nap time. As mentioned before, I am also trying to find time to work on my own novel, so between it and AS, the time is split. For those of you who have been reading AS for a long time, thank you for your patience and dedication to the story. You guys rock. This ship will reach shore eventually. For the landlubbers, this sea is a long one. Beware the journey. P.S. I usually write around 6,000 words per chapter and this one is over 10,000! Hope that helps the wait!

Pairing: SasuSaku

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33

Chapter 34: All Wars, Theirs.

After performing her rounds at the hospital the next morning, Sakura found herself staring into Mako’s cell again as the man who betrayed her looked at her dejectedly through the bars. His head was rested back against the wall and his chin jutted forward as he watched her. Ironically, Sakura came carrying a cup of tea in her palms, debating on whether to drink it herself or offer it to Mako.

When she placed the steaming cup through the bars and onto the ground, sliding it forward carefully to refrain from sloshing it over the porcelain rim, Mako raised an eyebrow and snorted a dubious laugh. “You can’t be serious, right?”

Sakura shrugged her shoulders innocently in response. “I thought we agreed to be close colleagues again.”

He sat up straight as he responded. “I don’t remember agreeing to that. Second, we were never really close to begin with; I only ever gave you the tea to lull you into a sense of trust.”

Sakura dismissed the confession because it was already common knowledge between them anyway, and said, “Yes, yes. I’m aware.”

“Then you have a distressing sense of humor,” Mako breathed, gesturing to the tea between them as he stood from his lonely, reclined spot against the sand-constructed wall at the back of his cell. Stooping, Mako reached for the tea and cradled it in his hands all the way down as he replaced its spot on the floor with his cross-legged figure.

Sakura mirrored Mako’s sitting position on the other side of the bars strategically, a tactic she often used when talking with someone she wanted to make feel at ease.

Seeing straight through the method, Mako sipped the tea before asking sarcastically, “Am I due for another therapy session now, Doc?”

Sakura shrugged off his sardonic comment and decided to move straight to the point. “Where is the heart of your organization? Are they based in Tanigakure?”

Mako shot his eyebrows up, swallowing the tea thickly at the abrupt question. He replied with another patronizing question. “Doesn’t your Kazekage know that? Why don’t you go and ask him?”

Sakura said bluntly, “He more than likely does. But I don’t. I want you to tell me yourself.”

Mako set his tea down, suspicion darkening his gaze. “There’s a reason you don’t want to ask him, then. Tell me and I’ll consider sharing what I know with you.”

Sakura was either extremely transparent today, or Mako had truly spent their time together as physicians studying her so thoroughly that he was able to see straight through to some of her thoughts, and it gave Sakura a slithering sensation of uncertainty in her gut.

Sakura frowned back at Mako for his intuitive guess, because in all honesty, Sakura had spent the morning tending to a countless number of patients, recalling familiar faces and learning new names, and had recoiled once again at Gaara’s plans of an inevitable confrontation within Sunagakure.

Even though none of this was Sakura’s fault, she couldn’t help but feel like her presence in the Sand Village endangered the citizens here. She had wanted to believe that Gaara had everything under control, especially since Kakashi, Shikamaru, and the rest of Team 7 were here and ready to go through with plans of Gaara’s design. Sakura, too, had convinced Sasuke last night to trust in Gaara’s approach, saying: “It’s the best option we have.” To which, Sasuke had interjected with the idea of going to Tanigakure to intercept the enemy himself, saying, “A covert operation with one person wouldn’t involve Konoha and Suna. It would be discreet.”

And at first, Sakura had rejected this idea because it didn’t make sense. Sasuke had his mission. To tangle himself up in this now when he had just had a breakthrough would delay his progress and distract him from a far superior threat to Konoha. And Gaara was more than capable of handling this, but then again, Sakura believed that so was she. And so, Sakura had contemplated Sasuke’s “covert operation with one person” idea throughout the night, wondering if it wasn’t an entirely preposterous plan if only it didn’t involve the Uchiha, but her instead.

As Mako blinked at her, expecting her response, Sakura covered for herself by saying, “I just want to confirm his suspicions.”

“Liar,” he accused, and Sakura frowned again at Mako’s own forthrightness. He had stopped hiding himself, Sakura realized. He was allowing her to see who he truly was, and Sakura felt somewhat sad knowing that the kind and exceedingly thoughtful version who had fooled her truly had just been a ruse. This Mako was abrasive and it kind of reminded Sakura of the sensation of having just a little too much salt, not enough to deter you from the food, but more than enough to make you blanch and investigate the dish more carefully.

“What can I possibly do in here?” he asked as he motioned around him at Gaara’s impenetrable sand, no longer humming in the air, but solid and unyielding in its shape of the tunnels and countless cells. Sand that Sakura was sometimes wary around simply because of its desire to do its master’s bidding. As if specks of it could whisp away to speak into the Kazekage’s ear whenever it wished. Sakura knew she was being too paranoid simply because she was harboring a secret plan of her own, one that Mako was beginning to discern. Could she tell him? Should she tell him?

As if he could sense her hesitation, he added, “I did promise to spend the rest of my life—however short it may be—atoning for my actions, you know. And it’s not like I can run off and tell your secrets now, can I?”

Not entirely ready to believe him or trust in him again, Sakura sighed and told him a half-truth instead. “I want to know that, because I want to talk to the organization myself.”

Mako’s eyebrows raised and he laughed sharply. “You want to talk to them?”

Sakura nodded.

All of his false humor instantly died away at her confirmation. “Listen, if Leaf shinobi just show up there, on their turf, things are not going to go your way. They certainly aren’t going to talk to you about anything.”

“And why is that?” Sakura questioned.  

“Because you are not their only target.”

Sakura’s stomach dropped at his sudden revelation. “What do you mean? I thought—”

“You are a target,” Mako interrupted, “A very big target—their most important one—but not their only one. You are at the top of the list. But after you, there will be others.”

“Like whom?” she probed.

“Anyone with power and influence whose ideals align with yours. People responsible with healing the next generation directly. Doctors, missionaries, leaders, teachers. The list goes on.”

“How many members,” Sakura asked, leaning toward the bars. “And is the Shade not the leader?”

“Not many, actually, but growing by the day.” Mako confessed easily and quickly, and Sakura could see that it was the truth. “Kasek, the man of shadow you refer to as a Shade, is one of the leaders. But there are others. He is not the mastermind.”

“Then who is?”

“I was new and never made it that far into the organization to find out. Hisa didn’t even know, and she has been involved much longer. They operate on a need-to-know basis, and she only ever consulted Kasek.”

“I see,” Sakura sighed, hoping for more intel than that.

“They are based in Tani as the Kazekage expects, but they are spread out. Or were. As they looked for you and the others. They might be dispersed and not all at the central location. From what I could gather from my conversations with the others, finding them all will be like searching for one cockroach at a time in a growing infestation.”

Sakura bit the inside of her cheek as she listened to this last bit, not entirely sure what she was expecting in the sense of her enemies’ locations. Sakura hadn’t been so naïve to hope that she could locate a singular location with all the bees inside their hive, but she had hoped for something more positive than the dismal reality that they might not be located at their base at all. This group and their teams and separation reminded Sakura, eerily of the Akatsuki. And if all of this was true (it was wise to only take Mako’s advice with a grain of salt), this brought Sakura full-circle to Gaara’s plan which was to lure them into Sunagakure. She hated to throw a wrench in any plans, but Sasuke was right. She needed to do something else, something less dangerous for everyone.

She had learned what she needed, so Sakura stood, dusting the sand off her pants.

Mako jumped up at her sudden indication of departure and blurted, “What’s your plan? I only told you this so you would think twice about whatever schemes you have. Even with your friends’ help, it’s dangerous. They will kill you.”

Sakura wanted to laugh at the preposterous idea of Naruto, Kakashi, and Sasuke being taken down by any enemy at this point. The three of them would die from old age, she was sure of it. She even had confidence in her own abilities despite how aware she was of the fact that this newly formed organization had no hesitancy to take her life. She vividly recalled how Mako had tried to convince Hisa to spare her life, arguing that she was too useful to kill. But she had bested them, hadn’t she? Even the shade who had corpsified her arms.

“Would I have really learned my lesson if I told you my plan?” Sakura asked him as she placed a hand on her hip and smiled pointedly at him. But Mako grabbed the bars between them, eyes narrowing once again.

“Listen, I know you have no reason to trust me, but take me with you.”

Sakura laughed out loud this time, unable to help herself as she covered her mouth with the soft side of her curved hand. Mako only glared. “Take you? Why on earth would I do that?”

“Because,” he hissed, “I could help you. You could use my affiliation with the group in whatever way you thought was best. They will more than likely kill me, but I could come up with something to get us in.”

Sakura’s smile disappeared. “The only help I need from you is for you to stay in this cell where you can’t stab me in the back again. I may have extended a hand of collaboration to you, but that doesn’t mean I’m dumb enough to trust you completely.”

Mako instantly responded with a frown, “You’re making a mistake.”

Sakura turned her back to him, ordering, “Start planning for your future here while I am away. The clinic needs you.”

As she began walking down the dark corridor of the underground tunnel toward the exit, she heard Mako yell after. “I? You’re going by yourself?!”

But she didn’t respond. The sand door that had fallen away before, floated back into form behind her, solidifying into a solid, soundproof barrier once more.

.

.

.

Despite his words last night, Sasuke was the one who was distracted. Distracted from his mission by so many different things, all of them pertaining to a certain pink-haired kunoichi whose cherry-blossom color bled into every crevice of his mind. Pale fingers tracing his back in the dark privacy of a shared room, Mako’s declaration of incoming enemies with the purpose of killing her, and Gaara’s various plans for their arrival were at the top of his thought list—right up there along with how much he wanted to throttle his blonde best friend for his incessant slurping.

Sasuke was trying to explain to Kakashi the development of his mission regarding the foodpill’s ability to lengthen his span of jump between Kaguya’s dimensions. At the mention of foodpills, however, Naruto had insisted he was going to resort to eating some of Sakura’s disgusting ‘mudballs’ himself very soon if they didn’t make a food stop and continue this discussion over a meal.

And so, this is where Sasuke currently found himself: sitting annoyingly squished in a small corner of a crowded food market stall located in the busiest section of the market square, closing his eyes tightly as Naruto shoved another bite of seasoned rice and meat stew loudly down his oversized gullet.

And now Kakashi had just brought up the very topic Sasuke had been brooding over since Gaara had announced to the group his plans on dealing with Sakura’s newfound enemies. The very topic that had Sasuke so distracted. Sasuke had been fantasizing ways to take out that lazy, spiky-haired strategist for even suggesting that Sakura be used as a lure in the first place. Shikamaru did not sit amongst them at the moment because he had “better things to do” in Suna at the moment, which thankfully kept him out of Sasuke’s sight.

“Let’s convene again with Sakura and the Kazekage this evening,” Kakashi suggested, somehow managing to eat without revealing the face behind the mask. “We need to consider the next steps carefully.”

“Gaara can handle it,” Naruto said, almost unintelligibly through a humongous bite of rice. “Whatever he says, we can trust him with it.”

“Or we could handle it,” Sasuke put out there, seeing an opportunity to change the situation and going for it instantly. “Quietly and effectively. Just us. No Sand Village.”

Naruto choked in his excitement at such a notion, agreeing with Sasuke immediately. “I like that idea better!”

“Hn,” Sasuke voiced in agreement with Naruto, whom technically had just agreed with him, but Sasuke didn’t care, because he wasn’t past emphasizing his own statement at this point.

Kakashi tapped his chopsticks thoughtfully against the table. “The situation is delicate because Tanigakure is a mostly neutral country between two shinobi villages. We can’t just go in there and start fighting a multitude of ninja who don’t represent the country as a whole. Even discreetly, the battle ensued would potentially cause too much damage. Gaara’s presence alone in Tanigakure for a few days caused some strain. Needing this fight to happen elsewhere is imperative.”

Naruto’s face had scrunched up the longer that Kakashi spoke, and the blonde knucklehead let out a thoughtful “hmmm” as he nodded his head like he had actually understood any of that. Sasuke wanted to roll his eyes and sigh.

“The Shade refuses to speak,” Kakashi continued his remarks. “We need intel, or we will be going into this blind. The Kazekage has that intel and is in the works of acquiring more information. Trusting Gaara is our best option.”

Sasuke wanted to say more, to argue, to persuade if only it weren’t so unlike him to do so. The Sasuke everyone was expecting was the uncaring one. The one who couldn’t be too bothered with any of this at all because it didn’t directly involve The Uchiha or his mission to investigate the Otsusuki. And part of Sasuke told himself to get a grip and to reign in the worry and trust the others. Sasuke knew he was being unreasonable, knew that he needed to focus on his own mission and goals. That’s what Sakura wanted, too. But Sasuke didn’t know how to wash his hands clean of this anymore, to eradicate the presence of Sakura in his mind, the feel of her skin, the embraces, smiles, and promises between them. Sasuke didn’t want to and therein lied his problem.

Kakashi was giving him that knowing sidelong look that had Sasuke glaring back at him.

“First things first, then,” The Sixth Hokage stated as he made to stand. “Let’s go find Sakura and then we can meet up with Gaara this evening.” And as Kakashi stood, the sensei suddenly realized that his former students no longer occupied the table but were making a break for the entrance, leaving Kakashi with a table full of Naruto’s dishes and an expectant storeowner smiling at him with the bill.

Sasuke heard their sensei sigh, murmur something about how he was supposed to be saving for retirement, but then handing over a wad of change to the giddy and grateful older woman.

.

.

.

When they located Sakura soon after in one of the medicine preparation rooms, she was bending over a mortar and pestle again, gloved hands moving deftly, and her hair pulled tightly behind her and Sasuke realized for the first time how long it had grown since they had left Konoha. The time had seemed to have passed them so quickly, and yet more than a couple months had transpired since he had returned home that day at dawn back in the Leaf. Her attire had changed overnight, and Sasuke instantly noticed that she no longer wore any of the clothes he had bought for her but had taken the liberty of finding something more fitting her previous style: red, short sleeved, and tantalizing short around the midriff. The very stomach he had ran his fingers across in the darkness of their shared room last night.

Sasuke pointedly looked away from her exposed skin as they advanced upon her position, and he decided to hang back against the entrance as Naruto and Kakashi greeted her enthusiastically. He settled into a comfortably uninterested position in typical Uchiha fashion against the wall and peeked over when Sakura elbowed Naruto’s arm when the blonde idiot shouted, “You’re making more puke pills?”

Sasuke felt a weight settle in his stomach as he made the connection that she was handling the ingredients required to make him more food pills for his mission. And from the trays set out before her, Sakura was making a lot of them. Even Kakashi glanced back Sasuke’s way as his former sensei realized Sakura’s purpose, as well.

Although somewhat touched by her effort, Sasuke feigned disinterest in the lot of them.

“Let’s have a taste!” Naruto exclaimed. “Surely, they aren’t as bad as they used to be!”

But before Naruto could touch one, Sakura pushed him away with her body. “Naruto! You need to stop that greedy habit of yours! They are made with Ashuwa, a plant that many people have severe allergic reactions to!”

Sasuke smirked silently to himself as Sakura chastised their gluttonous friend and Sasuke wanted to say something like, “Should have just let him eat it. That would teach him a lesson,” but Sasuke remained silent as Naruto shrieked at Sakura’s revelation.

The idiot jerked his entire body away from the food pills, eyes turning into round circles as he pointed at them, “Now you’re cooking can KILL people?!”

“Na-ru-tooo,” Sakura seethed in that drawn-out warning of his name she often used while considering to pommel their friend, and they all knew if she weren’t holding her gloved, Ashuwa-tainted hands up and away from everyone, Sakura would have hit him.

“They won’t kill you unless you are allergic,” Kakashi explained, motioning Naruto to take a few steps away. “How did you learn it was a common allergen?” he asked Sakura.

Her anger instantly forgotten, Sakura turned red from embarrassment and her eyes darted to the Uchiha. “After Mako told me about the plant, I tested it myself to assess the taste. I might have had a little reaction—”

Sasuke scoffed at the half-truth and spit out what she didn’t want to say. “It wasn’t little. Mako didn’t stop her from trying it, knowing how toxic it was. He was trying to kill her.” Feeling merciful, Sasuke left out the part about Sakura’s anaphylactic reaction, her face and mouth swelling up like a balloon that had left her bumbling through an explanation to a half-annoyed, half-concerned Sasuke.

Naruto instantly reddened after learning of Mako’s involvement, “THAT GUY!”

Kakashi didn’t give Naruto’s exclamation any attention, skipping over his statement immediately as he leaned curiously over the large array of food pills. “But Sasuke isn’t allergic, so these are the food pills you made for his mission? Are all of these for him, then?”

“Yes,” Sakura stated and she proceeded to relay the properties of the foodpills, their various side-effects and so on. Apparently, she had made modifications to these. They had less of a physical toll on the body and a greater number could be taken in a single dosage.  They all raised their brows and glanced at one another in silent admiration; Sasuke didn’t bother to hide the small smirk of pride spreading across his face at his female companion’s astounding ability to make advancement upon advancement on something she had only just created days ago. Where had she even found the time?

“It’s not foolproof yet,” Sakura disclaimed as she hoisted a large container of compacted food pills from the counter and took slow and careful steps to Sasuke.

They both froze when her fingers bumped against his during the transfer; they also both instantly looked away from one another as the small physical contact brought memories of the more intimate touches of last night. The first physical anything other than kissing that had transpired between them had progressed so quickly and now Sasuke was back-peddling, silently berating himself for the first time about his weak willpower. They had only ever exchanged a couple kisses, something that Sasuke thought would be manageable, safe, and just enough to take that edge off, satiate that desire that suddenly choked all his stoic sense out of him. And yet, things had heated so much last night that Sakura had felt compelled to mention it. Sasuke just hadn’t expected the cravings something like running his fingers along her bare back would evoke in him. Her touching him was wonderful, but when he had touched her in return, his hand starting with her shirt and finding her skin underneath… it was erotic. And typical for Sasuke, he had balked, realizing the trajectory of their course. Because the truth was, they needed clear heads. Just as he had told her. And Sasuke’s head had been anything but clear since Sakura had joined him on his mission.

“I still need you to test them,” Sakura stated quietly, and Sasuke’s attention snapped back to his pink-haired teammate, who was still avoiding his eyes shyly. “I can make adjustments from there.”

Sasuke didn’t know what to say or do other than nod silently as he withdrew a summoning scroll and performed the justsu that would seal the foodpills within it. “Naruto could go with you, now. Go train and test one out and come back before nightfall so I can modify the recipe if I need to.”

“Great idea!” Naruto exclaimed and he ran over to Sakura’s workstation and plucked a loose pill off the counter, gulping it greedily before saying, “They still taste like mudballs, Sakura.”

“You IDIOT!” Sakura gasped, storming over to him and checking his face. “You don’t even know if you’re allergic!!!”

“I can’t let Sasuke have an unfair advantage!” Naruto announced with that stupid face-breaking grin. “I’m fine! See? If Sasuke can handle the Ass-ingredient than so can I!”

All three of them rolled their eyes at Naruto’s sense of competitiveness against his lifelong rival—Sasuke would never admit that neither of them still couldn’t stand to be outdone by the other in any way—as he stomped out the door, yelling, “Come on, Sasuke! Time to kick your ass!”

Sakura sighed, turning once again to Sasuke. “If he has a reaction, teleport him back immediately.”

Sasuke nodded, then hesitated, glancing back between Sakura and Kakashi, whom had been leaning against the counter with an amused sort of expression. “What about the Kazekage—”

“Oh,” Sakura smiled innocently as Kakashi briefly explained their intentions of visiting with her and the Kazekage about the situation at hand. “He won’t be finished until later this evening. That’s when we are supposed to all meet up.”

Sasuke nodded, already being aware of this fact. When neither of his remaining members of Team 7 said anything more to detain him, Sasuke followed his blonde rival out the door, not being able to shake the suspicious feeling that he was purposefully being sent away.

.

.

.

Sakura admired Kakashi for his perceptiveness because as her sensei leaned out the window to watch his two chakra pill-dosed disciples navigate through an intricate web of sand-constructed and adobe houses, he asked, “What are you planning?”

Sakura’s eyes widened when he found hers and she suddenly knew that she had been caught. Sakura sighed. “How did you guess?”

Kakashi moved away from the window to lean against the counter beside her as she finished working, whipping out his favorite scandalous Icha Icha book. “Your behavior is off. At first, I thought it was because of the evolution of your relationship with Sasuke, but…”

Sakura’s eyes grew even wider as his words registered in her mind, and she blushed furiously as she defended, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kakashi raised his hands, saying, “I won’t mention anything again. It’s between the both of you.”

Sakura turned her back to him to hide her face, not believing him for a second. He would stick his nose where it didn’t belong for the rest of their lives.

Kakashi continued, “However, I’ve known the both of you for a long time and I just want to say that I am happy for you. It looks good on you both…being in love.”

Sakura stilled her panicked faux-work movements at Kakashi’s words and turned back to face him. Even with half his face concealed by the black mask, Sakura saw the upturn of his lips and the crease of a smile beneath his exposed right-eye. She had never wanted to hug someone so tightly in her life because his words, his approval, meant so much to her. “Thank you,” she whispered, her eyes threatening to water and Kakashi nodded.

But the feeling of happiness eroded when Kakashi finished the rest of what he was trying to say before getting side-tracked. “Seeing all these food pills you’ve made in advance suggests to me that you’re not planning on being here to make more of them. Am I wrong to assume this?”

And Sakura sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as she dropped her shoulders in silent defeat. “No,” she admitted. “You’re not wrong. I wanted to talk to you. As a leaf shinobi talks to their Hokage.”

Kakashi raised his eyebrow but waited for her to continue.

And she confessed to him her feelings about Gaara’s plans, Sasuke’s valid suggestion for a single-person mission to infiltrate the organization, her own plans to deal with the situation, along with the details of Mako’s information, and her carefully constructed counterplans. She told Kakashi everything she planned to do and exactly how she would do it.

Kakashi listened with a grim face, simultaneously intrigued, and sighing at each step of Sakura’s points of reasoning. When she finally finished, Kakashi stared down at his feet for a moment before lifting his eyes to her. “As your Sensei, I want to say no. To put the responsibility on Gaara as he suggested. It’s too dangerous to do this alone.”

Sakura nodded. She was aware of this, had prepared herself for this.

“The boys won’t hear of it,” Kakashi pointed out, “they’ll insist on joining you.”

“I don’t plan on telling them,” Sakura confessed. “I’ll leave immediately. When they learn of it, I’ll need you to convince them to stay behind. And persuade Gaara, too. Strategically, it is the safest route for everyone.”

Kakashi sighed. “I don’t foresee this part of your plan going well. Even the Kazekage won’t be pleased that you’ve gone against the plan. He feels responsible.”

“Do what you must. Play the Hokage card if you have to. Isn’t that your favorite?” she smiled teasingly.

Kakashi looked affronted at her statement and Sakura laughed good-naturedly despite the stressful topic.

“Do I have your official permission, then?” she asked.

“As your Hokage, I say go. Bring them to the light or bring them down, whichever of the two options prevents them from threatening your life again. Are you sure that you’re ready?”

“I was ready the very moment they laid their hands on Isao. It’s my turn to protect the ones I love, now.”

.

.

.

Sasuke scowled deeply at Naruto who had just taken his third chakra pill before funneling Kurama’s chakra into his limbs and body once again. “Let’s go again!” he yelled across the sandfield at Sasuke, shaking sweat from his hair like Kiba’s white-furred mutt.  

Sasuke sighed, feeling thoroughly exhausted, not having entirely recovered from overexerting himself on chakra pills just days ago. As he watched Naruto take his third dose, Sasuke found himself wishing his blonde companion had been just slightly allergic to the Ashu—just enough where they had an excuse to go back—but of course, Naruto had no reaction; certainly would have saved him from having to walk into the desert and rile himself up with Naruto’s challenges.

There was a part of Sasuke that loved to challenge Naruto, to spar until his limbs were heavy, mottled with bruising, and he could lay on his back that night and feel released from his thoughts—just feel the soreness of his body and the satisfying memories of getting a few ones in on his bijuu friend. But today, Sasuke felt half-in the fight and often found himself tossing distracted glances back toward to the Sand Village.

“Enough Naruto. I think we’ve tested them enough. Let’s head back.”

Powering down, Naruto shouted, “You tired, Sasuke? You’re off your game today.”

And even though Sasuke told himself not to react to Naruto’s goading statement, he still found himself scoffing. “Unlike you loser, I haven’t just been sitting around doing nothing.”

Naruto pointed an annoyed finger in his direction. “Flirting with Sakura doesn’t count!”

Sasuke whipped his head in his friend’s direction and narrowed his deadly purple and red glare at the knucklehead, who was grinning and laughing at Sasuke’s reaction. “You should see your face!”

Sasuke scowled, half-tempted to shoot another fireball in the obnoxious jinchuriki’s direction, but he would need another chakra pill to do so, and Sasuke didn’t want to risk consuming three in a row, despite Sakura’s claim of reduced side-effects. He was completely spent. Anymore and Sasuke might really overdo it and he couldn’t risk being completely bedridden. Not with Sakura’s attackers out there somewhere still organizing a retaliation.

Sasuke struck with his words. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And I’m NOT tired. Don’t you see the sun setting? We need to head back to meet with the Kazekage.”

Naruto turned to appraise the sun for the first time, and the vibrant red of the sunset cast a crimson glow on their skin and clothes, projecting lengthy shadows of their stooped, heavily-breathing figures on the ruby sand beneath them.

“Alright fine. Just to save your Uchiha pride.” Naruto exclaimed, rolling his purpling jaw and stiff shoulders. “I’ll definitely be stealing some of those pills for future use.”

Sasuke scoffed again and joined his friend as they trudged back through the red-tinted sand at a slower pace, the both of them trying to disguise limping. Naruto even stumbled once in the deep sand and instead of catching himself, he purposefully sprawled out onto his back and Sasuke came to stand over him.

“Don’t make me drag you back,” he hissed threateningly. But Naruto just raised his hand and said, “Five-minute break.”

Sasuke didn’t even argue, grateful for the rest, but he was also simultaneously anxious to be back. Unlike Naruto, he didn’t allow himself to sit. He was afraid he might not be able to get back up.

“You know,” Naruto wheezed between heavy breaths. “I may be oblivious the majority of the time, but not when it comes to you two. Things are different between you, aren’t they?”

Sasuke released a sigh into his hand, not because he was annoyed—although he was very much tempted to disguise it as annoyance—but because the weight of no one knowing and keeping it a secret from Naruto was no longer a burden; he had already guessed it. And so, Sasuke nodded with a confirmatory “hn.”

And then Naruto was grinning, larger than Sasuke had ever seen the knucklehead grin. There was even a tear that slid down the right side of his friend’s sand-dusted cheek as he gazed up into the darkening sky. Naruto covered his eyes to disguise the tears with the crook of his arm as he grinned and whispered, “Finally.”  

Sasuke’s first reaction was to insult him for the crying, but he was honestly genuinely affected by this ninja’s emotion, and Sasuke for once in his life wanted to confide in someone who knew Sasuke’s entire history, his past, his everything.

“I’m afraid.” Sasuke confessed. “How do you love someone without spending every waking second worrying about them?”

Naruto sat up at that, leaning on one elbow as his body rotated in Sasuke’s direction. “You’re still concerned that something will happen to her?”

Sasuke just nodded again, giving voice to one of his inner-most thoughts. “Yes. Because of me. Because of who I am.”

“Haven’t you already realized that Sakura is going to be a target because of who she is? Look at the current situation. She’s a medic ninja out there changing the world and one of the most capable shinobi we know. If you’re going to be with anyone, Sasuke, Sakura is the only one who can handle all that come with it.”

Sasuke found himself nodding because he had realized this recently. Everything Naruto just said, Sasuke had thought himself. He could now fully appreciate the fact that Sakura’s life would be threatened regardless of her association with him. But he needed to hear someone say it, the confirmation he was looking for from the universe that set his heart at ease.

“If anything,” Naruto began, standing and dusting the sand from his clothes. “Her association with all of us keeps her protected.”

Sasuke raised a brow in confusion, but Naruto continued. “She may be hunted for her connection to us: the Kazekage’s student, the jinchuriki’s friend, and the last surviving Uchiha’s…” he trailed off, and Sasuke narrowed his eyes dangerously, daring him to say the word. But Naruto chose to finish that sentence with,”partner” and Sasuke found that he and Sakura had even referred to one other as such, so the word felt appropriate.

“But,” Naruto continued, “her particular connections to us protect her, too. Who’s going to risk the wrath of us in order to get to her?”

“This damn anti-peace organization,” Sasuke answered, immediately finding a hole in Naruto’s explanation. He wanted to mention Kido, that madman who had tried to use Sakura to get his sharingan, but Sasuke decided against that one.

Naruto waved away that answer, stating, “Tanigakure was neutral in the war. If this organization truly originates there, they didn’t witness our abilities. There will always be instances that Sakura is targeted, but we will remind them every time who she is and who she belongs to.”

“If she doesn’t remind them herself, first.” Sasuke added.

“Exactly,” Naruto agreed, clapping Sasuke on the shoulder.

.

.

.

Kakashi and Shikamaru were the only two waiting in the Kazekage’s office when Gaara and his two accompanying siblings entered. Kakashi and Shikamaru glanced between one another tensely, aware of the news they would soon share with the Kazekage.

Immediately after Sakura’s conversation and departure, Kakashi had found the lazy ninja strolling the streets carefree with Temari. Wrestling him away with the “official business” excuse, Shikamaru had sighed, “This early? I thought I had until this evening. What a drag.” Once Kakashi had confidentially reported Sakura’s plans for an independent mission, Shikamaru had initially argued with him about her decision, stating it was unnecessary for her to take the risk. That was, until Kakashi had told him everything. The plan. The details. Everything Sakura had confessed to Kakashi as a ninja would to their Kazekage.  

“I don’t like it,” Shikamaru sighed with his head in his hand, “but it might just work. We need to meet with her and discuss strategy—”

“She’s already left,” Kakashi interrupted and Shikamaru dropped his hands from his face in shock.

“Already?!”

“Leaving immediately was imperative,” Kakashi explained and by the look on Shikamaru’s face, he had already made the connection that it had to do with the other two members of Team 7. Kakashi continued with: “We can send her your advice by hawk.”

Shikamaru groaned, “Telling Naruto and Sasuke is going to be such a drag.”

That was definitely going to be a mountain that Kakashi was not looking forward to. But before facing that mountain, he had a bridge to cross, and that bridge was none other than telling the Kazekage he had made a decision as the Hokage despite the Kazekage’s careful planning.

As the Kazekage sat cordially behind his desk, ready to scheme and discuss tactics, Kakashi sat across from him, grateful that Gaara was usually a level-headed and understanding leader and was typically easy to work with. But just before Kakashi could blurt out Sakura’s plan, a blue-haired sand shinobi entered the room, pushing a rather drab-looking ninja medic whom Kakashi instantly recognized as the man responsible for betraying Sakura to a group of vigilantes. Kakashi raised a curious eyebrow at Mako’s sudden presence, and Kakashi assumed it had something to do with information garnished from his interrogation.

“The prisoner who keeps asking for you, Lord Kazekage,” the ninja stated respectfully as he pushed Mako to his knees on the floor before Gaara who seemed slightly annoyed with his unexpected appearance.

“Yes, thank you.” The Kazekage gestured for the shinobi to leave.

Mako strained his arms against a pair of sand shackles and Kakashi noticed for the first time that the former Sunagakure medic was trying to speak past a gag of sand as it rained from his mouth. Not only was he struggling to speak, but Mako was glancing around the room into each of their faces and Kakashi witnessed the medic’s eyes widen in alarm, a panicked look Kakashi had become very familiar with from his time as a shinobi: fear.

“Excuse the interruption,” Gaara pardoned and Shikamaru and Kakashi were both a little too eager in shaking their hands in dismissal, both of them more than happy for a delay in delivering their news.

“Make it quick,” Gaara said emotionlessly, snapping his fingers to disintegrate the manacles and gag from his mouth. “What is it you want?”

Mako choked on some of the remnants of grit on his tongue and he wiped furiously from his mouth. Finally, Mako began to breath evenly, blurting, “She—” he choked again. “You have to stop her.”

“Stop who?” The Kazekage interrogated, a furrowed brow of confusion passing across Gaara’s usual emotionless expressions.

Kakashi’s stomach dropped when Mako cried out, “Sakura! She left the prison this morning, asking for information. I got the impression that she was going to go looking for the enemy on her own! You can’t let her—”

Gaara silenced the noisy vomit of words spilling out of Mako’s mouth with a raised hand. He turned to Kakashi and raised an eyebrow. “Where is Sakura?” the sand-wielder questioned. “Why exactly is she not here right now?”

Kakashi rubbed his neck half-humoredly. “Well, about that,” he began and he heard Shikamaru sigh at his right. And so Kakashi found himself explaining the current situation, at which Gaara’s eye grew wide in surprise. Just as Sakura had explained to him, and Kakashi had relayed to Shikamaru, the Hokage now recounted a censored version of Sakura’s goals (he wasn’t naïve enough to reveal anything essential in Mako’s presence).

Even Temari and Kankuro exchanged worried glances between one another as Kakashi reported, and Gaara placed his fisted hand on his mouth to think.

“I had thought we were on the same page, her and I.” Gaara voiced. “If she goes into Tanigakure, discretion is a must. Are you sure she can handle this without our help?”

Kakashi nodded. “If anyone can do this, she can.” Kakashi was relieved to see him nod curtly before whispering an instruction silently to Kankuro, who dashed quickly from the room, sending a small hateful glare in Mako’s direction as he exited.

Mako took turns exasperatedly gaping between all of them. “You are all too confident.” Mako seethed. “I should have just kept my mouth shut. She hasn’t been on the battlefield since the war. She’s too inexperienced for the numbers, especially going alone.”

“Why are you working so hard to prevent her from going? Are you disappointed that her plan might not work?” Shikamaru drawled, the annoyed tone very much like his character. “She handled your team well enough.”

Mako laughed derisively. “Of course, her plan won’t work! She said she just wants to talk to them! You’re sending their target, a martyr in the name of mental health, into a nest designed for her death!”

“Then tell us what you know.” Gaara’s rasping voice sounded and Kakashi witnessed Mako tense at the legendary jinchuriki’s question. “You’ve chosen a second life here, correct? In exchange for your information, I’ll offer you protection as long as you reside here.”

Mako’s eyes widened at the offer and then he sighed; Kakashi saw the internal struggle still within his eyes as if the young man truly was trying to recall everything he could remember. “I’ll tell you what I told her,” the prisoner exhaled as he rubbed his sore blistered wrists. “I don’t know much. I didn’t get that far in, but I will tell you everything I do know.”

“Better make that quick,” Kakashi announced, walking to one of the windows across the room. The descending sunlight illuminated the sand ground in orange, striped by the shadows of all the buildings within the village, and two smaller shadows shuffled their way slowly towards the Kazekage’s tower.

.

.

.

“You’re late,” Shikamaru drawled when Sasuke practically hauled Naruto’s limp body through the door of the Kazekage’s office. Stupid idiot had walked the entire way back, but the stairs, the stairs, had been too much for him. Sasuke practically dropped him on his back to the floor.

“Coming from you, Shikamaru?” Naruto laughed, pointing an accusing finger and upside-down jeer at the lazy Hokage’s assistant. “You and Kakashi Sensei are always late to everything.”

“It’s Lord Hokage, Naruto…” Kakashi corrected, covering his eyes with his hand, and Sasuke thought he looked like a parent who was embarrassed of his two humiliating children.

“You can blame Naruto,” Sasuke stated bluntly as he side-stepped Naruto, already feigning disinterest in the present company. That was until his narrowed eyes met an unlikely visitor that Sasuke would have rather never seen again. Mako sat with his hands bound and mouth gagged with what appeared to be whirring sand. His silent figure observed Sasuke, blatantly staring at him in forced silence, and Sasuke could have kicked in his teeth. Sasuke didn’t question Mako’s presence too much; Gaara probably had him brought from the cells to testify for insider information.

Moving along with a threatening glare in Mako’s direction, the Uchiha positioned himself casually against the wall the farthest away from everyone and instantly became aware that Sakura had not made it to the Kazekage’s office, yet. Sasuke mentally scolded his pink-haired teammate for her overachieving work ethic, and that kernel of uneasiness from earlier that came from Sakura’s absence was back again. Maybe he should go and retrieve her.

“Were the chakra pills effective?” Kakashi suddenly inquired, and Naruto enthusiastically answered as he sat upright once more, crossing his legs and arms simultaneously; the very same squat he often took as a genin.

“Yes! I took four in a row!” he praised. “Wish she could improve that terrible taste though,” he mumbled lowly to himself, taking a dramatic swipe at his tongue with the pad of his right thumb and then inspecting it for a residue. Sasuke wanted to roll his eyes.

As Naruto rambled on about the effects that he personally experienced from the new food pills, explaining that the results and consequences were as expected, but less serious, and how it took much longer to get there, Shikamaru laughed to himself and shook his head in disbelief. This laugh pricked Sasuke’s ears and his attention switched to Kakashi, and Sasuke witnessed the Hokage and Kazekage exchange a quiet look, the type of glance that was charged with a silent conversation. Sasuke then turned to find Mako’s heavy gaze on him, staring directly into his eyes as if he no longer feared them. The Uchiha narrowed his eyes at the man, trying his best to not let the behavior provoke him in this uncomfortable atmosphere. God, Sasuke was tired of this meeting already.

“Where is Sakura, by the way?” Naruto glanced around, the first to address her absence since they had arrived. It may have been the only time today Sasuke wasn’t annoyed at the blonde idiot.

Naruto’s question was interrupted and ignored when the puppet-wielding ninja appeared through the entrance, signaled Gaara with a nod, and the Kazekage announced, “All right then, let’s get started.”

Sasuke had rarely felt so skeptical in his life as he did now when the sand-wielder engulfed the room with sand, creating a soundproof barrier that Sasuke had witnessed him do several times. It hardened within seconds, encasing them all in one un-impenetrable room. Sasuke glanced at Naruto as his question was skipped over, and Sasuke noticed that the knucklehead, too, had a confused frown on his face. And Sasuke suddenly had a gut-wrenching feeling, because it was obvious that if Gaara was sealing the room already, it was because everyone who was expected to be there, already was. Which meant that Sakura wasn’t coming.

And Sasuke’s gaze suddenly locked on the sand-muffled Mako, whose eyes still bore into the Uchiha’s as if he had been trying to communicate with him all along—eyes that had been so cautious to meet the Sharingan and Rinnegan before, but now volunteered themselves for Sasuke’s inspection. And as it finally clicked in Sasuke’s brain, he called on his reduced supply of chakra and his eyes instantly morphed into the deadly purple and red.

Mako slumped forward as Sasuke plowed into the ninja’s memories, frantically searching for Sakura’s face, reversing time so quickly that he struck through Mako’s memories like electricity, faster than the streaks of lightning of his chidori. Finally, his charged consciousness of his lightning style chakra illuminated the memories containing her. Finally, Sasuke witnessed her sitting before Mako’s cell, eye-to-eye on the other side of the bars crafted from sand. Sasuke paused and played out her questions to Mako:

Where is the heart of your organization?

Are they based in Tanigakure?

How many members?

When Sasuke stumbled through the rest of their conversation, hearing Mako ask Sakura to take him with her to help her with her plan, and then experiencing Mako’s panic at realizing that Sakura planned to go alone, Sasuke felt the same fear again. That same fear he had felt many times in the past, and now found himself feeling again. Everything suddenly made dreadful sense: Gaara surrounding the room with sand—an action that Sasuke had misunderstood to be sound-proofing, the exchanged glances, and even Sakura asking he and Naruto to test the food pills so they would both be too physically drained to pursue her. Damn it. Sasuke felt like a fool; he felt betrayed, afraid, and so cross with everyone for their part in Salura’s self-sacrificing mission.

Too late, a veil of sand came before Mako’s eyes, the sand creating an impassable window to stop Sasuke’s genjutsu. But Sasuke had already learned what he needed to know and he withdrew from Mako’s head like a snake that had bitten him. Mako gasped from the shock of it and the entire room turned to watch the medic slump forward onto the ground, not having witnessed the silent exchange, but realizing something had just happened.

Gaara’s efforts to stop the genjutstu said a lot to Sasuke about how the Kazekage wanted to handle this confrontation: slowly, easily, and as emotionless as possible. But as Sasuke met the Kazekage’s eyes and Sasuke didn’t retract his emotional prowess, everyone in the room suddenly realized that Sasuke had discovered their closely guarded secret, and the Uchiha didn’t plan on calmly playing along with their plans.

“Naruto,” Sasuke drawled, his voice as low and heavy as the rumble that resounded when the ground shook on a war-torn battlefield. His next words had sharpened to accusatory ice. “Sakura’s not coming. She left Sunagakure on her own.”

Naruto shot up from the ground as if he hadn’t just crawled his way up the steps moments ago. “What?” he questioned the others, his gaze coming to rest on Kakashi who was putting a hand up already in an attempt to calm the Uzumaki.

“Why don’t you both sit down, so I can explain the situation to you—” their Sensei began, but his words only registered in Naruto’s head as a confirmation of Sasuke’s sudden declaration.

“WHAT?!” Naruto screeched, pointing a finger at all of them. “You let her go by herself? To do what? Fight? ALONE!?”

Sasuke’s immediate desire was to jump through space and time, directly through the portal of his choosing, bypassing everything altogether: the explanations, the defensive behavior, the justification of Sakura’s choices. But he was drained, just as Sakura had planned, damn her, and that only left Sasuke able to move to the door, instead. When he found the sand thickening around it, he turned and flashed his red and purple glare at Gaara.

“Even your sand will burn in the fires of Amaterasu,” Sasuke threatened dangerously. “You can’t hold me here.”

In the next moment, Kakashi had his hand on Sasuke’s shoulder and the Uchiha turned his glare back on him. “This is her plan, Sasuke. A covert operation with one person is discreet. She can handle this. Hear us out.”

Sasuke sucked in a sharp breath at the words that just came out of Kakashi’s mouth, the very words Sasuke had used to try and persuade Sakura to let him handle the situation himself. Sakura had listened, told Sasuke it was irrational, but had really gone and decided to take his idea and do it herself. His hand found his painful eyes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. And they had agreed. Kakashi had agreed. Sasuke was so furious at himself for giving her the idea, but not as enraged at the Hokage for sending her.

“You think she can kill them?” he suddenly hissed in Kakashi’s face. “I watched her spare the life of that bastard who betrayed her,” Sasuke spat in Mako’s unconscious direction. “I’ve watched her spare the life of the monster who almost took the use of her arm away. There are countless others.”

“She killed one of them,” Shikamaru defended, “because it became necessary.” And Sasuke hated the strategist ninja once again, for his entitlement to a say. He didn’t know her. None of them knew Sakura the way that her own teammates did, including Sasuke, himself.

“She only killed the one who hurt that kid,” Sasuke retorted, cursing his own damn depleted state of chakra that was forcing him to sit and reason with these idiots. “None of the ones who touched her suffered any sort of consequence.”

“How many times?” Kakashi asked lowly, but loud enough for them all to hear. “How many times must she prove herself to you, Sasuke?”

Sasuke gritted his teeth in frustration, his blood pulsing in his head from the chakra-depletion induced headache forming there. The truth was, that this wasn’t an issue to him anymore. He believed in her abilities. He had witnessed them, himself. And as he had explained to Sakura as he had wrapped his arms around her in the moonlight of last night, his faith in her didn’t change the fact that Sasuke would worry. That Sasuke would go after her. Every. Single. Time. Why? Because he loved Sakura, and a man in love with someone didn’t need an excuse to make sure she never faced anything alone, not as Sasuke had for years. Sakura’s enemies were his enemies. Her battles, his battles. All wars, theirs.

“Tell us where she’s gone, Kakashi!” Naruto interrupted, derailing both Sasuke’s thoughts and their sensei’s attempt to convince him completely. “Sakura is our teammate. I don’t care what her plan is! We fight as a team!”

Sasuke saw it in their faces, the wavering. Naruto always had that effect on people when he spoke, altering their thinking and changing their minds, easily.

Kakashi remained on course, however. “You can’t follow her, Naruto. Everyone in the shinobi world knows who you are. They would recognize you instantly. Remember what I said earlier? Leaf shinobi can’t enter into Tanigakure without consequence. It’s neutral. You’ll be starting something—”

“And the world doesn’t know Sakura?!” Naruto shouted in disbelief. “She’s just as recognizable as any of us! Is just as important to the Leaf!”

“Sakura has many different strengths she can draw from,” Kakashi continued. “She doesn’t have to rely on a ninjutsu that could give her away. Not like your Rasengan, beast modes, sage art, and more. She has another plan.”

Naruto began to protest again, but Sasuke interjected. “Fine, Naruto can stay here.”

“WHAT?!” his friend screeched, rounding on him instantly, but Sasuke ignored him.

“The idea was mine originally,” Sasuke explained to Kakashi. “Sakura just stole it. I will go and I will be as discreet as I have for the last couple of years on Konoha’s behalf.”

Kakashi sighed. “Sasuke, you’re involvement is not a good idea. You have your own mission.”

And as Kakashi began to deny him once more, Sasuke felt a sense of dread and panic as more time was slipping away from him. Each minute that passed, took Sakura further away from them and toward those who wanted to kill her.

Desperation wasn’t like Sasuke and he had never resorted to begging before, always being able to rely on his strength and jutsu to carry him through life, taking what he wanted, doing as he pleased, and needing permission from few. But he was growing more and more irate and more and more frantic, and so he risked being vulnerable in front of all these ninja who had often judged him.

“If I have to watch someone who I love die, sacrificing themselves for the sake of the Leaf Village, again, the person who I am now won’t survive it. What’s left of the shinobi world will either fall to the Otsusuki race in my absence, or it will fall to the person I will become.”

He watched the fear flash across each of their faces as Sasuke’s words registered throughout the room. Sasuke had been too young to help his brother bear the weight of such terrible orders from his village, but Sasuke wouldn’t sit by and do nothing when Sakura was given such a mission.

“Is that a threat, Uchiha?” Gaara grumbled and Sasuke felt the very ground, the entire sand-constructed village, shift in response to the Kazekage’s wrath. Sasuke felt no fear. He didn’t fear such things anymore.

“Sasuke,” Naruto whispered as his friend placed a supportive palm on his shoulder, but Sasuke shrugged it off and stepped up to Kakashi, so close that Sasuke could see the red and purple of his own gaze in Kakashi’s irises.

“That will be its fate if you keep me here and she dies, Kakashi. Don’t make the wrong choice.”

He saw it in Kakashi’s face. The realization that Sasuke was more dangerous to Konoha than any repercussions from Tanigakure, or any unnamed organization. Sasuke was also essential because he was the only one who could use the Rinnegan to get an edge on the Otsusuki race. He watched the risks shift in the Hokage’s mind as he weighed this new danger to the Leaf. And so Kakashi didn’t stop him. The sand rained down around him. They let him go.

.

.

.

Sasuke fisted the pink hair that had been cut and placed upon a note on the foot of his bed. He had almost missed it in the darkness, but the moon as always, caught Sakura’s hair in a way that nothing else could. The sight of her slashed hair, a pre-battle ritual of Sakura’s, instantly caught his eye and it panicked the Uchiha even more; he wished he would have returned to their shared room earlier in the day, because Sasuke would have realized what exactly Sakura had intended to do, and he could just have avoided the Kage meeting all together and gone straight after her.

He had returned now to make sure Sakura wasn’t there waiting for him. Sasuke knew better, but he had still hoped. All their conversations about partnership, communication and goodbyes, and all their small promises to one another these past couple of months had given him that hope. But it was all nothing, now. Empty words because none of it prevented her from leaving him. Sasuke Uchiha had been left behind. And for the first time, he realized just how lonely and horrendously painful it was to be left behind.

In the darkness, the hair fell from his hands onto the bed like Sasuke’s slashed headband had once descended from his forehead. He snatched the note from the bed and separated the two pages with the pad of his thumb. Sasuke activated his Sharingan in the dark and forced himself to read it slowly and carefully, instead of skipping over lines in his urgency.

Sasuke, it read.

Sasuke,

I am sorry. If you have found this letter, know that I write it because we promised one another a goodbye. This is my goodbye, for now. I thought a lot about your suggestion on how to handle this situation, and I decided to do this on my own, since I was going to be involved regardless. I have thought it through, put extensive research into how I will achieve my goal, and decided a solo mission was the best option after all. Forgive me for being a distraction to you and I hope that the time apart will give us ‘clear heads’ as you suggested last night. Focus on your mission and I will focus on mine. Keep Naruto from following. He can be impulsive, and I need to do this alone. If you don’t find this until later, and I do not return, know that I love you. You have always been worthy of that love, even the darkest version of you. Save the shinobi world and remember who you are.

She did not sign it. As soon as his eyes scanned the last line of pen scrawl, Sasuke was half-tempted to crumble it in his hand. But his eyes found the most important words on the page: I love you…you have always been worthy of that love…remember who you are. And Sasuke realized he needed this letter as much as he needed chakra or oxygen. Because if she died, Sasuke would have to stare at it every day for the rest of his lonely existence and let it be the tether that kept him from falling apart.

[absolutebl]

Kpop end of 2022 shows

In which I mostly slam 4th gen boy groups, so if you’re a stan skip this post or go in prepared to be offended. I am aware that this is off brand for this blog. But I’m also aware that I have a number of followers who are as deeply into Kpop as me, and...

who probably will unfollow me after reading this. Oh well, I’m gonna do it anyway. This is my tiny corner of the internet. MINE I tell you!  

Look, there was no Between Us airing today, and so nothing for me to get my watch-along snark out on except for the 2 Kpop shows that Viki popped into my feed. So skip this post if that’s not your thing. 

2022 Gayo Daejeon (stadium event) 

OMG! Either mic them properly or don’t mic them at all! This is a music concert, right? Why can’t Korea ever fucking get the sound right in these goddamn bonanza shows? I had this problem with Kingdom (arguably more of an issue since that was supposedly made for TV) but it’s 100 times worse with this show. It’s so frustrating. 

For example, with NCT, why is Johnny’s the only hot mic in the group? Sound tech on stuff out of Korea is mind numbingly confusing and ear wrenchingly annoying. I am reminded why I never watch the live shows and never go to Kpop concerts.

And now, here’s some offensive thoughts and unpopular opinions:

Yeonjun of TXT is one of the best 4th gen dancers ever fielded, and one of the better all rounders. But Kpop stylists gotta learn how to dress a dancer so that they can be properly watched, ya know, WHEN THEY ARE DANCING. No puffer vests, you brainless fashionista numb-nuts. Poor thing kept having to do wardrobe adjustments. Honestly, this plus their red carpet looks this year? 

TXT desperately needs a new stylist.

Stray Kids

As a group? They really can’t sing very well or consistently, their strength is in their performance and rapping. And their rappers MUST to be micced hot for live - just KILL 3racha's backup recording, okay? They can handle it. Otherwise please just let them all lip-synch so we can watch them perform. It’s a much better experience.

NCT

Yuta has more charisma in his little finger than Taeyong has in his whole entire body. Doyoung is an incredibly underrated vocalist. Their’s was some of the worst miccing and sound of the night (which is saying a lot considering how terrible it was the whole time). Fantastic use of the stage tho. One the best stadium performance I’ve seen since GOT7. Also, 2 Baddies is an objectively terrible song - which is probably why it’s so popular.

The Boyz

Definitely the prettiest, how are they consistently so glorious on their visuals? Sunwoo keeps getting hotter, it’s patently unfair. But, oh my god, if you are going to have a group sing ballads, then bring 2nd (Highlight) or 3rd (BTOB) gens up there don’t use The Boyz (or SK for that matter). No one wants to hear unstable vocals, even if it’s a CNBLUE cover. Is it weird that The Boyz make me miss Seventeen? Same vibe... better syncopation. 17 is not as pretty tho.

Who is? 

Well, UNIQ of course. But I don’t wanna talk about that. 

Ateez

Jongho is the only 4th gen idol in existence who doesn’t need a mic even in a goddamn stadium. He is insane. But there is a reason the boy likes a handheld mic, because he takes his vocals seriously. And still the sound tech didn’t trust him enough to leave that mic hot? Frankly, it’s a crime that Jongho’s voice is wasted on a performance group. (Yes, I said it.) But Ateez did give the best stage of the night. They really are one of the industry’s hardest working groups at the moment. I’m a little worried they’re being pushed too much.

Enhyphen

Actually singing for a change *gasp* what will they do without auto tune? Ooof, I’m hella mean tonight. And... they seem to have been practicing their vocals since last time. Honestly? They lack the stage presence of some of the more experienced 4th gens. NCT fucking EATS up a stadium. Enhyphen looked a little sad up there by comparison.

MBC 2022 (New Year's showcase) 

Much better sound (mostly lip-synching) and most groups handle a showcase stage better than a stadium. 

The MC team was better on this one. 

Any time the Boyz and Ateez would like to dance together, I will be happy to watch it happen.

I’m not particularly interested in either of them, but Tempest and Kepler covering Pretty U was pretty damn cute. But younger boy groups + younger girl groups intermixing on stage always comes off as awkward. Dancers should be dancing together when they share a stage together. It’s weird when they are clearly afraid to touch each other. 

Hanbin is such sunshine, so pleased to see a Vietnamese idol at last.

As expected the bands doing live Krock had the best music performances. Well and the opera singers, of course. 

NCT’s Jungwoo is Taemin’s little brother, they look too much alike, you cannot persuade me otherwise. 

It’s a sin that Jeahyun hasn’t has a break away acting role yet. No babies, he really isn’t going to do us a BL. 

It’s always great when the surfeit of music shows at the end of the year forces a group like NCT to divide and conquer, because we get to see some of the lesser publicized members do some killer performing. 

NCT’s choreographer is phenomenal. Best in the biz? 

A sexy cover of Love Killa is fine but if you can’t go hard on Monsta X’s raps then why bother? This only made me want to go watch the original. Which I did. 

I’d like to see SK cover Monsta X but that’s about it. Maybe P1H.

Speaking of MX. Why did they cover a song where Kihyun (one of the most consistent voices in Kpop) mostly has to sing falsetto? What a damn waste. 

Fun to see IM getting more confident in his vocals but I’d still rather see the MX maknae line rap. 

And… thank you for doing an end of year stage Monsta X! Holding onto my beloved 3rd gens by the skin of my teeth here. Look I just love them, okay? Even down 2 members Monsta X goes harder than other groups, but effortlessly. They gave the best performance of my whole night, both shows, 6 hours of content and I’m just left wanting to watch MX comeback stages.  

Am I 3rd gen biased? 

Probably. 

Bite me. But only if you can do it as hard as Monsta X would. 

[thebikles]

I worked so hard on this playlist enjoy

I wrote up a little explanation for most of the songs instead of actually writing fan fiction:

From Eden - Hozier 

This one’s pretty self explanatory the whole song works so well for them 

“Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know / I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door” always gets me 

I love how we have yet to actually learn about the details of Crowley’s fall - it’s this negative space holds so much weight in the narrative 

while Crowley’s lines about ‘hanging out with the wrong people’ and ‘sauntering vaguely downward’ are quite funny they seems like a defensive sort of nonchalance 

Does he perhaps?? Have TRUAMA????

I have this fic idea where in season 3 Azirphale finds the file on Crowley’s fall and THAT’S when he snaps and finally accepts that the system really is bullshit 

Also the line “Honey you’re familiar like my mirror years ago” reminds me of the tableau of them on the gates of Eden in the very first episode 

Too Sweet - Hozier 

Another fandom classic 

I like to envision it in Crowley’s voice in a ‘the lady doth protest too much’ kind of way 

Pale Blue Eyes - The Velvet Underground 

A BAND CROWLEY CANNONICALLY LISTENS TO 

This shit kills me: 

“Thought of you as my mountaintop

Thought of you as my peak

Thought of you as everything

I've had, but couldn't keep”

Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine 

I imagine this one as Crowley re-inventing himself after he falls (also I just really like this song and wanted to fit it in somehow) 

“And I am done with my graceless heart / So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart” —> a juicy unreliable narrator: Crowley WISHES he didn’t give a fuck but to quote David Tennant, “actually his problem is (...) there’s a bit too much heart really” 

Also the line “damned if I do and damned if I don’t” isn’t particularly groundbreaking lyricism but it gets at Crowley precarious position of having to perform the aesthetics of evil while hoping that nobody notices as he helps people where he can 

that aspect of his character really gets to me

Something about getting consistently punished for doing the kind thing and compulsively doing it anyway - particularly that scene in season 2 where he talks that girl down from killing herself and is immediately dragged to hell for it - a wild thing to include in a show billed as a comedy by the way 

Stuck in the Middle With You - Stealers Wheel 

I just love unlikely friendship stories I don’t know what to tell you man 

As the World Caves In - Matt Maltese 

One of my favorite songs just in general 

Very somber - but also evokes Pratchett and Gaiman’s irreverent story telling style 

 “We’re gonna nuke eachother up boys till old Satan stands impressed” 100% sounds like something Crowley would say 

A delicious sense of exasperation in both of these songs like “ugh we’re going to fall hopelessly in love what a terrible inconvenience” 

Also extreme circumstances forcing prickly characters to rely on one another?!!?? I can’t get enough

What to Make of You - Olive Klug 

A great song if you’re into indie folk 

I really love the line “I thought I was immune to this kind of pining / but it lends itself too well to aimless driving” for Crowley 

The chorus too: “I know that you don’t know what to make of me” 

There’s a compelling resignation to that line made even more poignant by the ending of season 2 

This subtle reference the cognitive dissonance Aziraphale lives with: ignoring his own moral compass in favor of what his bosses are telling him to do because he can’t quite give up his identity and security of being one of the ‘Good Guys’ 

Obviously Crowley loves asking uncomfortable questions but I like  that this chorus implies a slight exhaustion with his role as the thorn in Aziriphale’s side because of course Crowley wants so much more than that…!!!

Puttin’ on the Ritz 

No angst in this one just Aziriphale having a grand old time in the 1920s 

It Will Come Back - Hozier 

More evidence contributing to the headcannon that Crowley spilled his sad drunk  heart out to Hozier one night at a bar - we already know he canonically inspired Shakespeare lines 

“Don’t let me in with no intention to keep me / Jesus Christ don’t be kind to me / Honey, don’t feed me, I will come back” 

Really reminds me of that scene at the satanic nunnery turned corporate retreat center in season 1 episode two: 

“Shut it - I’m a demon, I'm not nice!” 

Also I love how Crowley, despite all his aloof affectations, is always the one taking emotional risks - asking Aziriphale to run away with him to Alpha Centauri and of course the end of Season 2 - there’s this hint of desperation to him that I just can’t get enough of 

“You don’t understand you should never know / how easy you are to need” UGH the YEARNING 

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen 

I mean - come on. 

I really wish they had played this song durring a more significant scene in season 2 but you can’t have everything 

Or like a montage of Crowley getting ready to leave the house making sure his hair is perfectly greased would have been delectable 

Somethin’ Stupid - Frank Sinatra 

“Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you” 

I really need to write a fic inspired by this song 

Love Crowley being deeply frustrated with what a sap he’s become

Once A Bunch - Adrienne Lenker 

I mainly chose this song because of this line “Half a margarita, have a little dance / Let's fine dine the demons and give peace a chance” 

There’s something deeply appealing to me about their dinner dates idk 

Also these lines in Aziraphale’s voice 

“I pulled you in, I pushed you out right from the start” (a reference to that scene in season 1, ‘you go too fast for me Crowley’) “I was leaving before I'd arrived” (something about Aziraphale always conceptualizing their relationship as a doomed one - but  as we learned from the Beezlebub/Gabriel plotline NOTHING WAS STOPPING THEM FROM BEING VULNERABLE WITH ONE ANOTHER THIS ENTIRE TIME) 

 “your eyes magnetic, that moldavite flame / Stopping the traffic, all six lanes” (Crowley’s snake eyes , his 90 miles an hour  in central london - anyways) “Calling me baby, barely saying my name /I was leaving before I'd arrived”  something about how they skate the line between plausible denability so finely - playing a game of gay chicken for thousands of years 

 That line reminds me one from the song Middle Cyclone, which is also in this list “it was so clear to me, it was almost invisible” 

“We're a team, a group. Group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't.” - I copy pasted this line from the transcripts online and immediately teared up this show has me in a CHOKEHOLD 

I, Carrion, (Icarion) - Hozier 

Speaking of breaking down in tears 

I listen to a lot of sad music but I always have to skip this song on my playlist if I’m not ready to stare into the middle distance for a good fifteen minutes 

“And though I burn, how could I fall? / When I am lifted by every word you say to me?” alskdjfals;dkfja;s

“Once I had wondered what was holding up the ground / but I can see that all along love, it was you all the way down” – Aziraphale as the thing that keeps Crowley from being entirely cynical about the world 

Also the chord change on “I do not have wings, love I never will” (!!!!!!) as a reference to the end of season 2, Crowley refusing Aziraphale’s offer to become an angel again - but here its sung in a really sweet kind of resignation

Also I love the poetry of this song “If the wind turns / if I hit a squall / allow the ground to find its brutal way to me” the pleasing inversion: the idea of the earth as the thing moving as opposed to Icarus, and the word brutal wedged into the almost twee line ‘find its way to me’...

“if I should fall, on that day / I only pray / don’t fall away from me” hhhhhhhhh

This could be in either of their voices but I do have a particular weakness for Aziraphale-becoming-a-demon-after-the-end-of-season-one fanfics 

Take on Me - a-ha 

I’ve heard this song countless times but I never really listened to the lyrics… 

There’s something about the lines “take on me / take me on” not the kind of lyricism you usually get from a pop song about a crush 

Like yeah relationships ARE an emotional committment and that’s okay! I like how the speaker doesn’t dance around the idea of love as something you have to work for or that they themselves might be burdensome at times- they in fact embrace it 

Really reminds me of the musical Company the way she sings in the finale with these epic yearning major chords “someone to crowd you with love / someone to force you to care / someone to make you come through / who’ll always be there” 

What does this have to do with Good Omens you ask? Idk man something about Crowley knowing full well that being together would be difficult and wanting it badly anyway 

“It’s no better to be safe than sorry” 

Perfect Day 

Aziraphale and Crowley sample fine wines throughout history!!!

“Just a perfect day, drink sangria in the park / and then later when it gets dark, we go home (...) oh it’s such a perfect day / I’m glad I spend it with you / it’s such a perfect day / you just keep me hanging on” 

I love how simple the lyrics are in this one I think it’s the same reason why that image of Crowley sheltering under Aziraphale’s wing is so appealing 

“Just a perfect day, you made me forget myself / I thought I was someone else, someone good” owww

Hide - Rainbow Kitten Surprise 

A song about being closeted so it works pretty damn well for Aziraphale 

I love this line: 

“I got some radio wires soldered to my heart / you’re the only thing that’s coming in / I’m getting static from my better sense / nothing on the FM” 

Also I like the dithering rhythm of these lines, feels like something Aziraphale would say “I hate you more than I miss you / that’s not true, I’d hate to miss you (...) you don’t call, you don’t write / you know I’ve been up for 40 days and 40 nights / and all my fears have multiplied / by the silence in your eyes” 

Their fight after Aziraphale refuses to give him the holy water…. 

Nobody - Hozier 

MORE HOZIER 

“I once warmed my hands / over a burning Maserati” is such a badass line and so good for Crowley 

Also the list of all the wild things he’s done always followed up by “but I’ve had no love like your love / from nobody” works really well since they’re both immortal 

“I’d be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint / I wouldn’t fall for someone / I thought couldn’t misbehave” harrowing flashbacks to the end of season 2

News from Heaven - Runrig 

Something something Crowley forgetting to be bitter for a moment 

(I mostly just love this song) 

Crystal - Katy Kirby 

Okay this actually is my favorite song at the moment 

Really helps when I’m feeling OCD 

And I love it as a representation of their moral/philosophical debates throughout history 

“You’re biting down on gold again / you’re grinding pearls against your teeth / spare me your obsession with that incorruptibility / The rhinestones on your baseball cap reminding me of when / the salt left crystal on the sunset of your sunburned skin” 

FUCKING POETRY (of course it requires a bit of suspension of disbelief since Aziraphale would never wear a baseball cap but the sentiment still stands) 

Also the repetition of “why wouldn’t that be enough” ow he’s really trying so hard 

Origin of Love - Mika 

“Love is a drug and you are my cigarette / love is addiction and you are my nicorette” Crowley trying to make their dates at the Ritz suuuuuper demonic 

A bit cheesy lyricsm but I love this song it’s really sweet and such a bop 

I think I read this in a fic somewhere - Crowley being pissed at Heaven on Aziraphale’s behalf, something along the lines of “he’s the best of them and they don’t deserve him!” 

Something about humanity and something about how genuine kindness doesn’t need all these self justifications 

Or - sometimes going on a lunch date with your best friend is so much holier than a fucking cathedral 

The Book of Love - The Magnetic Fields 

In a very similar vein if you read the song as an allegory to the Bible 

Bloodless - Andrew Bird 

Aziraphale having DOUBTS 

“I’m keeping mine with the altursits / putting my weight behind the dancer” (idk something about Aziraphale hanging out with Oscar Wilde)  “ I know it’s hard to be an optimist / when you trust least the ones who claim to have the answer / it’s an uncivil war” 

“Turn around and quote a well known psalm / don’t you worry bout the wicked? / don’t you envy those who do wrong?”

I like the double meaning of that line - if could either be read as a command or a question.

Into My Arms - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Flood 

Absolute smaltz city I  have no excuses 

“I don’t believe in an interventionist God / But I know darling that you do / but if I did I would kneel down and ask him / not to intervene when it came to you / will not touch a hair on your head / leave you as you are / if he felt he had to direct you / then direct you into my arms” 

I mean 

Fuck man. 

Thinking about the scene when Crowley finds the burning bookshop 

Paul - Big Thief 

I listened to this song thinking about Them and it *did* ruin me.

The whole song works really well I think so I won’t write out all the lyrics 

But for some reasons these lines in Crowley’s voice really killed me: 

“I'll be a real tough cookie with the whiskey breath

I'll be a killer and a thriller and the 'cause of our death”

It’s so resigned in the context of the song - I think that Crowley is very aware that he’s playing a role - and he does it with great flair and makes it his own, but it’s still limiting. CAUSE UNDER THOSE 15 LAYERS OF SPITE HE’S AN ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART. 

“We were just two moonshiners on the cusp of a breath

And I've been burning for you, baby, since the moment I left”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! crazy. 

“But I'll push you from my brain

See, you're gentle baby

I couldn't stay, I'd only bring you pain”

I don’t tend to read fics that interpret Crowley as insecure about being a demon that doesn’t seem in character to me - but this line GETS ME. I guess I don’t even read it here as insecurity so much as Crowley’s awareness that they can’t get too reckless with their ‘fraternization’ lest he get Aziraphale in trouble 

No Big Deal (I Love You) -dodie 

I knew I had to find a dodie song for them and I knew it was going to be devastating and I was right 

“I don’t mind, say ‘I care, you’re the best’ / yeah you hold me like it’s already said / I don’t mind, I will do this dance / for the rest of my life, for as long as you want” hhhhhh

“On a Sunday, we’re together / god I love you, says not one of us ever / in the half light, where you tease me / god I love you would be far too easy (...) look at me like that hold your breath ‘cause we’re good / it’s no big deal” 

I don’t know what kind of analysis to do with this it just really reads like fucking angsty good Omens fan ficiton 

Something about Crowley’s nonchalance as an affectation 

Someone about the way that Micheal Sheen chooses to play Aziraphale - his eyes are SHINING, all the time 

Really reminds me of the scene in season 2 when Aziraphale’s so excited for them to dance together 

Middle Cyclone - Neko Case 

“Did someone make a fool of me / ‘fore I could show ‘em how it’s done” yeah 6,000 years of pining is pretty foolish 

Also reminds me of the Maggie and Nina's intervention

“I can’t give up acting tough / it’s all that I’m made of / can’t scrape together quite enough / to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love” 

THEY’RE SO REPRESSED I’M OBSESSED also side note I love how the plot line with Gabriel and Beelzebub reveals that THEY TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN TOGETHER THIS ENTIRE TIME 

Like yeah Heaven and Hell are still barriers but a good chunk of the actual conflict is that they’re two deeply stubborn individuals who are bad at feelings 

“It was so clear to me / that it was almost invisible” (!!!!) “I lie across the path waiting / just for a chance to be / a spider web trapped in your lashes / for that I would trade you my empire for ashes / but I choke it back, how much I need love” 

Anyways. Feeling super duper normal. 

Real Estate - Adam Melchor 

Idk man I’ve just loved this song forever 

Season 2 Crowley shooting his shot I’m sure it’s going to go really well for him 

“I’m running out of real estate” (literally he’s living in his car) “tryna make all the right moves / I don’t wanna hesitate / I would bet the house on you” 

Cue flashbacks of Crowley hanging around the bookshop all the time 

There’s something so earnest about this song and about Crowley’s speech MY GOD I feel like I need compensation from David Tennant for the emotional damage 

Love is an Accident - Flyte

Oooooo bitter Crowley 

And honestly Azirphale this entire show - I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die

This whole song works so well 

“‘Cause love is an accident waiting to happen / to me and to you / so bite your lip and hold your tongue / and be so careful what you say / play the beat with muffled drum” 

I love this line in particular and the accompanying chord change “So don’t you play that awful song / the one that cannot be unheard”  for the end of season 2 

Something To Beleive in - Madison Cunningham 

One of my favorite Aziriphale/Crowley songs 

Works as a great character study for Aziriphale, though also sung in Crowley’s voice: “you want something constant / and you want something sure / something you can hold / something secure (...) If you need something to believe in / you can believe in my love” 

‘I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can. Just the two of us. We don't need Heaven, we don't need Hell, they're toxic.’

“Well, I’ve spent my life looking / for a truth I can bear / but kingdoms are just sand / and a throne is just a chair (...) I’ve needed someone to believe in / can I believe in your love?” 

I know that this story (especially the book) starts out as a comedy and we’re meant to read Crowley as perfectly fine with being a demon when we meet him on the Gates of Eden 

But you can pry the headcannon out my cold dead hands that Crowley feels incredibly lost after his fall and that Aziraphale is the first one to be nice to him and treat him like a person 

Afraid of Heights - boygenius 

So proud of how devastating this is 

from Aziraphale’s perspective during their fight at the end of season 2

“’Cause one man’s dream is another man’s death / I remember when you told me that / didn’t know what to say so I just laughed / but now I know it’s not funny” a;sldkfjal;sdkjfaskl

Another reference to their debates throughout history - the last line feels so in character for Aziraphale 

“I know I was a disappointment / know you wanted me to take a risk / not everybody gets the chance to live / a life that isn’t dangerous” Crowley’s in pain because he feels he has nothing to lose and Aziraphale’s in pain because he feels he has EVERYTHING to lose. hhhhhhh

 “ you called me a crybaby / but you’re the one who got teary / telling me what to believe” again I love when roles are reversed and inverted - Aziraphale is supposed to be the soft and tenderhearted one, but Crowley is always the one making himself vulnerable 

“how we’re stuck in entropy / how it hurts to hope / how it hurts to hope for more / how it hurts to hope the future could be better than before” 

I love this line - I think it’s slightly biased coming from Aziraphale in this moment - he thinks Crowley doesn’t want to go back to heaven because he’s stubborn and cynical (which to be fair, he is) but Aziraphale’s always been shielded from how cruel Heaven can actually be - he never saw (or didn’t want to see?) Crowley’s fall, he never saw Gabriel try to kill him 

But at the same time - I don’t blame Aziraphale  for accepting the position as archangel - he knows to some extent that he’s walking into a rigged playing field, but if there’s even a chance he could save the world then of course he’s going to take it 

God I love flawed characters god I love conflicts where everybody’s wrong and everybody’s right 

You Don’t Have to You Love Me - Dusty Springfield 

This appears on the official Amazon Prime Good Omens playlist (It plays very faintly in the background during one of the scenes in Maggie’s shop I’m pretty sure) 

And I know this isn’t a queerbaited show but I was still like “they’re allowed to do that??” 

I love the DRAMA of this song 

There’s this tragic bargaining in the lyrics

“You don’t have to say you love me just be close at hand / you don’t have to say forever / I will understand” 

But I also always imagine the “I will understand” sung with the utmost venom and sarcasm 

Bitter Crowley my beloved 

All My Little Words - The Magnetic Fields

I have so many songs for the end of season 2 that shit did something to me

“But I could never make you stay / Not for all the tea in China / Not if I could sing like a bird / Not for all North Carolina / Not for all my little words” 

Something about how their love for the world is what brought them together, but it’s also the reason why Aziraphale feels like he has to leave

Good Luck, Babe! - Chappell Roan 

I think that Crowley would slay in all of her outfits

Also if he’s crying to this song at the bar then that’s nobody’s business 

“IT’S FINE, IT’S COOL / YOU CAN SAY THAT WE’RE NOTHING BUT YOU KNOW THE TRUTH” 

It’s Over Isn’t It? - Steven Universe, Deedee Mango Hall 

Verging into speculative season 3 territory 

SAD CROWLEY 

This song works so well - it feels very musical theater to me (I should really get around to watching Steven Universe) 

I’m sure that the original song was about a romantic rival but I love how in the context of Good Omens the ‘you’ being referred to is GOD - the tragedy of it all that was never a battle that Crowley could win but he tried so hard anyway 

“It's over, isn't it? / Isn't it? / Isn't it over? / You won, and she chose you / And she loved you and she's gone / It's over, isn't it? / Why can't I move on?” (that haunting last image of Crowley standing by the Bentley sunglasses back on because he tried being vulnerable that didn’t work) 

“War and glory, reinvention / Fusion, freedom, her attention / Out in daylight, my potential / Bold, precise, experimental / Who am I now in this world without her? / Petty and dull, with the nerve to doubt her / What does it matter? It's already done”

It’s so villain monologue I love it 

Promise - Laufey 

Finally a song from Aziraphale’s perspective I’m sorry I’m very biased 

I will basically end up writing the lyrics to this entire song but it’s IMPORTANT for the LORE

“I made a promise / to distance myself / took a flight, through aurora skies” (reference to heaven?? woah)  “honestly, I didn’t think about / how we didn’t say goodbye (...)” ouch they DIDN’T say goodbye did they! “it hurts to be something / it’s worse to be nothing / with you” 

Aziraphale holding back tears in that last scene???? Hhhhhhh I love these actors they should win all the awards 

“So I didn’t call you / for 16 long days / and I should get cigarette / for so much restraint” 

The image of a worn out, maudlin Aziraphale sneaking a smoke is EATING ME ALIVE holy shit 

 “no matter how long I resist temptation / I will always lose / (...) / I’ve done the math / there’s no solution / we’ll never last / why can’t I let go of this” 

Notice  how the last line here mirrors “why can’t I move on” from It’s Over Isn’t It? I love my job. 

Strange - Celeste 

Just a sad sad breakup song was listening to this in my brain rot era after season 2 and it stuck 

In Crowley’s voice: “I tried for you / tried to see through / the smoke and dirt / it wouldn’t move / what could I do?”

Honestly would love to see an animatic of this one though 

9/10 - Jeff Rosenstock 

I’ll be severely disappointed if Crowley isn’t an absolute drama queen after season 2

“Nine times out of ten I'll be stoned on the subway (...) / Dodging eye contact with anyone who looks my way / Nine times out of ten I'll be thinking of you”

Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now - The Smiths 

very similar energy

I want to see Crowley in an absolute SULK listening to this song. He’s smoking ciragettes, mice are sleeping in his eye bags like hammocks, everyone within a 15 mile radius knows he’s a divorcee. He’s still wearing leather pants because he does have standards. He’s drinking espresso martinis at like 11 AM etc. 

Bad Relgion - Frank Ocean 

“If it brings me to my knees / it’s a bad religion” is such a raw line for Crowley. Also this song slaps, by which I mean makes me cry. 

Girls Against God - Florence and the Machine 

This is more of a fic idea than anything else. “What a thing to admit / that when someone looks at me with real love / I don’t like it very much / kinda makes me feel like I’m being crushed” I JUST THINK THEY WOULD BOTH BE TERRIBLE AT RECEIVING UNGUARDED AFFECTION. 

“And I know I might not look like much / just another screaming speck of dust / but oh God you’re gonna get it / you’ll be sorry that you messed with us” In the music video in my mind it’s cutting between Aziraphale in Heaven and Crowley on Earth and them both absolutely going through it. Aziraphale is pulling off some excellent espionage and Crowley is just flipping off the sky. 

August - Flipturn 

OUGH one of my favorite songs ever 

“WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT / WE DON’T HAVE THE TIME / WE THOUGHT LOVE WAS SOMETHING / WE WEREN’T MEANT TO FIND” hhhhhhhhh I kind of like this interpretation of their characters better than like some of the hopeless pining written in fanfiction (and what I’ve been writing about this whole time I know) - that line ‘we don’t have the time’ is so very British - I kind of like that angle of understated tragedy, like neither of them are quite as heart broken as they could be because it didn’t occur to them to hope for more…. 

And the chord changes where he layers on “and I’ve loved you from the start” over the chorus????? In shambles

The Literal Start.  

Shrike - Hozier 

Firmly in season 3 headcannon territory 

This one’s in Aziraphale’s voice 

“I couldn’t utter my love when it counted / ah but I’m singing like a bird bout it now” hhhhhhh

After everything he’s been through Crowley deserves like 15 declarations of love

“I was housed by your warmth / and thus transformed / by your grounded and giving / and darkening scorn” SO POETIC and such an apt description of Crowley 

And if you want to be REALLY sad you can interpret it as some sort of sacrifice on Aziraphale’s part: “remember me love / when I’m reborn / as a shrike to your sharp / and glorious thorn” 

Side note I really want Aziraphale to get properly angry after season2 - my personal headcannon is that he finds the file of Crowley’s fall (a scene which has been conspicuously omitted throughout the show because surprise surprise it’s fucking tragic) and finally Gets It. 

Up the Wolves - The Mountain Goats 

What if they talked to God?? Would be difficult to pull of in a way that felt satisfying but it would be wild

“Our mother has been absent / ever since we founded Rome / but there’s gonna be a party when the wolf comes home” 

CROWLEY: “There’ll always be a few things / maybe several things / that you’re gonna find really difficult to forgive” 

I love how cathartically John Darnielle sings these lines “I’m gonna get myself in fighting trim / scope out every angle of unfair advantage / I’m gonna bribe the officials / I’m gonna kill all the judges / it’s gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage!!!” Crowley gets to have a little unholy rage as a treat – reminds me of the scene from season 1 when he drives through the flaming motorway 

Your Face - The Lake Poets 

This is definitely an Azirpahale pov 

“I never want to go away again / I just can’t face one more goodbye” there’s something about the simplicity of these lyrics that really gets to me 

“Out here I try my best to occupy / my mind with things that I should do / but in my heart and soul I recognize / there’s nothing I want more than you.” anyways. 

I like the image of Aziraphale really holding out, keeping a stiff upper lip in heaven and then as soon as they’re reunited he’s like “OH CROWLEY IT WAS TERRIBLE!!” 

“I miss you so much I can’t think straight / I miss you so much I can’t sleep / when I get home, I’m never leaving again / I’m yours and I’ll be yours to keep” 

Me and the Devil - Soap&Skin 

Idk Azirpahale deserves a badass moment 

But I also feel like it would be a Legally Blonde scene where he whips out some bureaucratic loop hole that lets them go free 

And then they get to stride away to this song 

Like Real People Do - Hozier 

Conflicted about including this one - on the one hand it’s a little icky in the context of Neil Gaiman writing them as asexual because of their status as non-human entities and their ensuing romance made possible by their shared affection for the human race (though thankfully that reading is muddled by Beelzebub and Gabriel’s plotline) – veers a little too close to shitty “sex is what makes us human” discourse online 

THAT BEING SAID as an aspec person I fucking love this song so let’s all just be cool and chill about it

I think you could read the line “we should just kiss like real people do” not in the literal sense but more like ‘let’s pretend just for a moment that we aren’t hereditary enemies tasked with saving the world’ and some other tragic fantasy of that ilk 

Also I like setting this song somewhere post season two 

“I will not ask you where you came from / I will not ask and neither should you…” – I would love a scene where their both still mad and have some shit to work through but right in that moment they’re just so desperately happy to see one another 

Alexandria - Katy Kirby 

Obsessed with Katy Kirby 

FINALLY a happy ending song 

“I’ve gotta hand it to ya / it’s even better than I thought it would be” 6,000 YEARS OF PINNING anyways. 

“Baby you’re off the hook / for every promise that you couldn’t keep” hhhhhh

“I’d crack open my chin / before I would let you, let me / pull you over the edge” just kidding this song is still sad - I love fics about Crowley being paranoid that he’ll accidentally cause Aziraphale to fall 

Also I love this line in Crowley’s voice: “I run my thumb through your hair / like a stack of hundred-dollar bills I think I’ll keep” 

Lights Are On - Tom Rosenthal 

tooth rotting fluff - I think they deserve to rest and be ignored by  middle management for a little while

“God stood me up / and I don’t know why / lights are on / but nobody’s home / there ain’t no love / like our love” 

For You - Laura Marling 

“I thank a god I never met / never loved / never wanted / for you” is such a devastating line for Crowley 

No One’s Gonna Love You Like I Can - Laura Marling 

I have no excuses for this purely mushy bullshit 

Also the string arrangements in this song are to die for

[yukidragon]

Hey yuki, I have a question...actually two questions about the game something's wrong with sunny day jack. First: how did jack not find out about ian during these months that he's been with Sunshine? after all, her cell phone WOULD NOT STOP ringing because of ian's constant calls and voicemails, how come jack didn't hear about ian well before the middle of the demo?

Second: And do you think the protagonist has a certain "emotional dependency"? because even if she doesn't forgive ian for what he did to her, she supposedly misses him, yes, because when jack asked if she missed him, she is kind of silent, I interpreted that as a "Yes" . What's more, we already know that she doesn't feel good when it comes to the subject of "Love".

Before I answer your questions, I’d like to take the time to make sure this lovely picture is credited to the game’s creator Sauce. Even though I didn’t post it this time, I always want to make sure they get due credit for their hard work.

Anyway, onto your first question. It’s a pretty good one. In fact, MC wonders about that topic in the demo as well:

Did I ever tell Jack about Ian? Now that I’d thought about it…The subject really hadn’t come up formally. Which. Is a bit odd, considering Ian’s room remained (mostly) undisturbed, and right across the hall from my own. It was same as it had always been, minus what he took with him when he moved to a fancy performing arts school in another state… I hadn’t been in there since the breakup. But had Jack never wondered either?

It seems as though Jack was waiting for MC to bring the topic up. By not prying into their personal business (at least not obviously) he can be supportive and a good friend, earning their trust.

However, it seems those messages from Ian and seeing his room and clothing every day didn’t affect MC like talking to him directly on the phone did. It was such a painful incident that Jack is clearly worried about them. Maybe he was waiting for MC to talk about Ian on their own, but after seeing how much pain Ian put MC through, it’d be reason for him to push a little harder in order to relieve them of this pain.

Of course, I’m pretty sure Jack would have done his own research into Ian, so to speak. He wants to show only his best sides to his sunshine, so anything that might be less than pleasant is something that is best left where they can’t see it. It’s for their own good of course!

Jack might have already gone through Ian’s room on his own. Heck, MC could have let Jack sleep in Ian’s room until they started sharing a bed platonically. It’s really up to interpretation if the game doesn’t specify how the first few months of their living situation went.

So, yeah, I’m pretty sure Jack already had at least some idea about Ian before he officially brings up the topic; he was just being considerate to MC’s privacy... at least as far as they know.

For the second question... I think that’s heavily hinted in the demo. Though MC is trying their best to abandon all things nostalgic in a reckless manner, likely to try and abandon their feelings for Ian... they still live in the place they got together. Ian’s room has been (presumably) untouched. Most of their wardrobe consists of Ian’s clothes. Given how desperate their financial situation is, he might still be paying for half (or more) of the rent. They still listen to the messages and haven’t blocked him.

There was also the conversation MC and Ian had. MC is angry and hurt, but they didn’t hang up right away. They didn’t yell or say anything that would push Ian away. They made their anger clear, and they voiced their doubts that he can fix things between them... but they’re not ending things completely.

Part of it, I think, is because of Ian’s pleading. They have a history together. They know each other better than anyone. They are in tune with each other, as the afterlife episode showed. They understand each other.

Which makes it so, so much easier for Ian to manipulate MC’s emotions.

It might not be conscious on his part... but the things Ian says in the phone calls are pretty manipulative. It’s understandable since he doesn’t want to lose MC. He claims he needs them and can’t go on without them. He’s emotionally dependent on them.

I think, to some extent, Ian and MC had an underlying level of unhealthy co-dependency going on. Now, how much there is depends on the specific MC and our own headcanons, but we can see in the game from how much talking to him and thinking about him hurts MC... They want to move on, but they miss him.

Ian was MC’s only relationship, and we see some troubling things from MC when it comes to love, mostly in how they feel they’re not deserving. Maybe that’s just from the betrayal they experienced when the person they loved and trusted most cheated on them... or maybe it hints at an underlying toxicity to their relationship.

When Jack asked MC if they missed Ian, that silence was absolutely a yes. I think it was also them not wanting to miss him. They want to move on, but Ian won’t let them.

I think what Ian did to MC is a big part of why MC clings to Jack so desperately in any route. They are lonely and felt bad for so long... and Jack came to make them feel good. He supports them, makes them happy, and fills the hole in their heart that Ian left behind.

Whether or not Jack is a rebound though or can become something healthier though depends on the route taken in the end in the game. I know which one I’m going with for Sunshine in Hell because I like the idea of two flawed and wounded individuals helping each other heal and grow stronger together.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

[yuurei20]

Trey Info Compilation part 24: Normal

Trey insists that while he may be “surrounded by weirdos” he is “a regular student from a completely normal family!,” but Rook says that birds of a feather flock together, while Idia says that “Trey’s all chill and mature, right? But here’s the thing: you can never tell what guys like that are REALLY thinking,” adding that Rook and Trey are both at the top of his “Turbo Sus Vice Housewardens to Be Avoided at All Costs Rankings.”

Trey says he isn’t sure what he did to merit getting put on such an unflattering tier list, but Grim seems to agree with Idia: his nickname for Trey is inconsistent on EN and uses the words “shrewd” or “sneaky” depending upon the scene, but in his original dialogue Grim is consistent, using a word that means someone who you can’t tell what they’re thinking.

Trey says that he intentionally tries to come off as mild-mannered as possible.

In a vignette we see Trey tell himself that he just wants to squeak by a flight test with a passing grade as “that’s what it’s all about: nailing the bare minimum.”

He is late the test because he leaves class to help save Kalim (who falls off his flying carpet) and Vargas said that he would normally fail Trey for tardiness and maybe even hold him back a year, except that Trey impressed him extremely with the moves he used to rescue Kalim.

Vargas says, “I never knew you could move like that!,” insinuating that Trey has been successfully, intentionally hiding his flight abilities from Vargas in order to not stand out, much in the same way that Jamil also, intentionally, performs middlingly in all his classes.

When Vargas announces that they will be taking one-on-one lessons together “to foster that newfound talent,” Trey says he “really should’ve stuck with that bare minimum…”

Trey’s “bare minimum is best” mindset comes back in Vargas Camp 2 when Rook asks if he isn’t excited about the event and Trey responds, “I’ll do just enough to make sure they don’t think I’m slacking.”

Rook comments on how normal Trey seems to be, and a subsequent interaction with Jade has Rook reevaluating his how he perceives Trey, saying, “I had considered you Riddle’s loyal knight, but it seems I erred a bit in my perception. Trey, you are quite a cunning man.”

Trey says, “You called me ‘normal’ before, and that’s exactly what I am.”

[dellovestorant]

I can’t lie but I’m a little bit nervous of George’s future.

It seems like Kimi is in the seat nest to him next year, but Toto has also made no secret of his desire to get Max. I have no doubt he will be booted if he’s outperformed by Kimi, and Max wants the Mercedes seat.

On the other side, I hate how Mercedes have treated him. I hate for him to lose out but if they don’t trust him they need to let him go. So conflicted

Ok I'm going to start this answer with a PSA:

If you're going to come in my ask box to doubt George's future at Mercedes based on Toto Wolff's actions and words you are not going to like my answers very much.

If George ever leaves Mercedes it will be on his own terms, not Toto's. Toto also does not hold every single decision making power within the team. If he did, Lewis would've gotten whatever he wanted with his contract contrary to the cult's beliefs. The big 3 at Mercedes Benz hold more power over driver line-ups and everything else essentially than Toto ever will.

Below the cut is a whole deep dive into the dynamics that is the board of management and their decision making power if any of you want to read.

Let's start with the fact everyone knows for certain.

Mercedes F1 team is controlled by Mercedes Benz, Toto Wolff and Ineos. They each hold 33.3% of the shares in this company.

The current board of management for the f1 team consists 2 reps from all three of the above entities. Markus Schäfer, Michael Schiebe for MB, Johnny Ginns and Andy Currie for Ineos, Toto himself and Rene Berger (Toto's business partner). Oh and Carrie Donaghy as company secretary but she's not a major player.

Ineos tbh is kinda there to just pay the amount in salaries and other things Benz didn't want to pay for. They don't actually hold much weight in driver line up decisions and will probably go with the one that causes less chaos. Jim Radcliffe is also a tad bit more focused on football than F1 at the moment and who knows if Johnny Ginns even exists. They won't fight Benz or Toto on driver line-up decisions.

So technically, it means it's Benz vs Toto 50-50 you would think when it comes to massive decisions. Not really actually.

Without Mercedes, there is no Mercedes-AMG PETRONAS Formula 1 team. Now you may ask why Mercedes Benz is delving into the business of Mercedes-AMG (you shouldn't it's pretty much common sense).

AMG is a wholly owned subsidiary of Benz. Their current CEO, Michael Schiebe, used to be the chief of staff to Ola Kallenius, CEO of Mercedes Benz. Schiebe also currently reports to Markus Schäfer. These names sound familiar? Schiebe and Schäfer are essentially the right and left hand men to Kallenius and the 3 of them make up the big 3 I was referring to earlier.

Now they'll give and take in negotiations, this isn't a dictatorship obviously but if Ola's set on something I have a feeling it's very hard to change his mind. And currently George is performing to a standard that would absolutely not give anyone really any ammunition to replace him.

He's also continuously being used by Mercedes Benz in certain promotional things and activities entirely outside of F1. That douyin account is a right indicater of that, the chinese GP next year will be telling that's for sure. That Targa Florio drive for the Bandini Trophy? The trophy is awarded for people's performances in motorsport in the past year. Lando won the 2023 version. Take a look at his season vs George's 2022 season and tell me who should've won the 2023 trophy. And then take a look at those two's 2023 season and tell me who should've won this year. The significance of George winning the trophy this year? It's the 100 year anniversary of Mercedes' Targa Florio win, it's 130 years of Mercedes in Motorsport and a whole bunch of anniversaries for Mercedes Benz as a company. An 18 year old is not going to generate what Mercedes Benz is doing with PR, at least not to the level George is. He might match George with the F1 team's social media activity but not Mercedes Benz. We're talking about the company that has had Roger Federer as an ambassador since 2008 and will continue to have him as an ambassador.

The board is also quite protective of George if you've noticed. They've let publications run their mouths about Kimi's testing results however they like until they started reporting the kid was beating George's times. Then Shov came out and said like 3 times testing times are not that representative. The whole email saga came out in Canada and who turns up in Barcelona for the very next race? Ola.

Schäfer and Britta Seeger (now she's a woman you just have to stan) were also in Monaco. You won't see Michael Schiebe at an F1 race anytime soon though that man is allergic to dealing with anything motorsport related in public yet they've just put him in charge of another racing company.

That recent post by Mercedes F1 with Ola appearing in Brackley and Brixworth? It could be entirely planned but considering what had just happened and the fact Ola has not being placed in center stage of Mercedes F1 socials in like ever, it's an interesting appearence to publicise for sure (why that man was talking batteries though to people at Brackley I do not know and frankly I doubt I would want to).

Like I said, if George is not at Mercedes anymore, it would be entirely at his discretion. Plus if he leaves, Redbull is going to be right there knocking on his door regardless of their junior drivers. Just take a look on how Christian Horner and Helmut Marko speaks on and of George.

Also why do people keeping thinking Kimi will get outperformed by George? Have some faith please guys.

[f0point5]

So who in your opinion is capable of getting a wdc from the current grid?

Curious to know what you think because I personally only see three clear standouts in that category: Max (inevitable), Lewis (clearly still capable of fighting tho I don't see it coming easily), and maaaybe Fernando (I think he could pull his signature 'not the best but good enough' performances and get it through consistency, but not without outside factors contributing). Oscar is a bit of an unknown to me yet, this year will be telling imo but getting good vibes from the guy. The rest...... Sorry but just no. I'm open to being proven wrong however. Obviously there are a number of names who could be consistent championship contenders but I just don't see a wdc materializing for them. The likes of Charles, Carlos, Checo, George, even Lando and Alex in my mind are multiple and many time race winners but I just cannot shake the feeling that that'll be the extent of their achievements. Which, by the way, is still incredible and should not be looked down upon, I mean no disrespect. Many great drivers in f1 history haven't got any wdcs to their names and yet are rightfully acknowledged to be among the very best in the world.

This is such a hard question.

Because it’s so dependent on their car, and their team, but also on the other teams. Like I do think Charles is very capable of winning in the right car with the right team…but not if Max is in a Newey level Red Bull. So it’s hard to say.

I will say right now, only Max is capable of winning given the machinery he’s got.

So let’s say Max decides to take a sabbatical and goes off to do endurance racing in 2024.

With a good car, both Lewis and George would be capable, imo. But not with the other as teammates. Lewis would have the edge over anyone on the grid in a title fight because he’s done it before, he knows what it takes to win over a season. He can be a bit inconsistent but in the absence of Max, with a good car, and a solid no.2 support driver, he would be my bet for a WDC.

Charles would be my next best bet I guess, just because I feel like he could keep the momentum going. He has a lot of setbacks but I think he puts the same energy in every week. He wouldn’t win with Carlos as his teammate and I do think Lewis would have the measure of him in a title fight, but it’s like, if you take Max out it’s Lewis, if you take Lewis out it’s Charles, if that makes sense.

For me after that it’s a bit of a free for all between Lando, George, maybe Carlos as well. It would just depend on who was on form that year, and how momentum is gained over the calendar.

My two wild cards are Oscar and Alonso. I feel like it’s been a long time since Alonso has had a car that shows what he can really achieve. I would like to think he would still be a title contender in the right car, I just don’t know if I could justify ranking him with Lewis in terms of probability because I just can’t say where he sits for sure. With Oscar, right now, he doesn’t have the experience to win in a title fight imo. 23 races of consistent pace and tyre management? I just don’t see it for him as at today. However, I feel like at the end of the year maybe I would say something different and he might well be up there with Charles. So I just don’t know.

This is such an impossible question 😂 but yeah for me it’s Max, Lewis, Charles (and probably Alonso).

[starsstuddedsky]

Star’s 2023 Top K-Pop Songs 

*only one song per artist

**I forgot half the songs I listened to this year 

27. The Rizzness – Taemin 

This song had potential for top 5, were it not for that fuck ass title/the lyrics. The instrumental track is just too good, I loooooove it so much. 

26. In Bloom – ZEROBASE ONE

I think this says more about me thank anything else but i just love a pumpy song, it was fun, good track, what else is there to say 

25. Still You – Seungkwan 

This is me cheating and throwing in an OST but it is far too good and I don’t ever hear anyone talk about it. This song kept me together for half the summer. Go listen right now and tell me im wrong for adding it. 

24. UNFORGIVEN – LE SSERAFIM

This is partially because of the MV, i simply love cowboy concepts. Just iconic. dont come for me if their new releases are “better” bc this is my list and also i haven’t listened yet. I am behind. 

23. SHALALA – TAEYONG

ICONIC. MV, song, all of it SCREAMEDDDDD ty and i love him for that. I really admire artists that are truly dedicated to their craft and taeyong is just one of those dudes.  

22. Say You Love Me – Kai 

I couldn’t not put him. I can’t believe there’s a whole year left until he comes back. It’s genuinely insane. anyway rover deserves to be on here too but i wanted to be special (also ur lying if you think this isnt the best song on that album. the only alternative is sinner) 

21. Air Force One – ODD EYE CIRCLE 

Right when I started wanting to listen to LOONA, everything happened and, well, at least they’re safe. This song is such a bop idk 

20. Will I Ever See You Again? – Red Velvet 

I think this is mostly just my personal taste but it’s sooooo good, an easy listen but consistently good???? 

19. LEFT RIGHT – XG 

2000s concept SLAYED, idk it’s just such a good song? like i’m not picky in my music taste but this is very much my style 

18. Get Loose – THE7

yes i got it from tiktok but a good song is a good song and this is a good song. I actually just like fun songs 

17. LONE RANGER – MONSTA X 

Remember when i said i love cowboy concepts? yeah. I also was working on a horse farm when this came out so like. it just fit  

16. Fire Eyes – The BOYZ 

Remember what i said about fun songs? i don’t even know how i found it bc i dont listen to the boyz religiously but i LOVE this song 

15. Memories – RIIZE 

They’re actually iconic for having siren and memories as pre-releases and showcasing their dance/singing abilities. K-pop is very much about singing for me and boys can sing, so memories made the cut. Honestly all their songs have been on repeat for me though, i just love the final chorus of this song ugh 

14. PADO – NCT U 

This is another cheat but i couldn’t not put it on. like haechan????? xiaojun???? yeah.. you got me confused…�� you got me soooo satisfied 

13. Cool With You – NewJeans

Ditto remains my top newjeans song but cool with you… like i said with left right, it’s just very my style and idk i really enjoyed it. The whole album was soooo good JUST TOO SHORT 

12. Bubble – STAYC 

SLAYC IS BACK LETS GOOOOOO!!!!!!! I LOVE bubblegum pop so this was right up my alley. It’s just so funny and i love the girlies so much im so mad i couldn’t see them on tour 

11. Space – NCT 127 

WE’RE IN THE TOP TEN NOW LETS GOOOOO!!! Every time this song comes on i ascend to a higher plane of existence like that one spongebob meme. Let it breathe. Let it chill. Yeah we doin’ too much too much. specifically jaehyun on that part……. Oouugghhhhhhhh (whatever instrument/fake instrument that’s doing that one part…. Idk how to describe but ooughhhhhh) 

10. BOUNCY (K-HOT CHILLI PEPPERS) – ATEEZ 

When i tell you this was on REPEAT while i was in japan… i was making it bouncy all through the streets. played it for my mom and she said “this is a weird song” 

9. Fighting – BSS

That one tweet that’s like BSS’s music is like “dont kill yourself were booseoksoon.” yeah. It’s half that and half their performance and incredible ability to always make me laugh 

8. Poison – NCT DREAM

my world STOPPED when that track video dropped like…… have i mentioned haechan bc wow. he saw the baekhyun poster outside the recording studio and swore he wouldn’t let him down and he did just that. i love me some good whore music and that is whore music baby 

7. Spicy – aespa 

Perfect balance between bubblegum pop and noise music. the girlies came to serve and they did just that. 

6. JUMP – P1Harmony 

Not to be that person but they are seriously soooooo underrated. Justice for my boys because this song is just so good. I NEED to see it in person 

5. Queencared – (G)-IDLE 

SO hard to choose between this and I DO (and allergy) but ugh. the bubblegum pop won in the end. I love this song so so much, had the time of my LIFE singing along to it. Yuqi come home <3 

4. Poppin’ Love – WayV 

Idc if you don’t think they’re kpop, they’re going on my list. This song just has it all

3. I Don’t Understand But I Luv U – SEVENTEEN 

Remember what i said about whore music? also i genuinely don’t know why anyone was surprised when they looked at the lyrics for the first time like just listen to the song and it’s obvious what they were singing about idk. thank you woozi, thank you jun, thank you hoshi, thank you minghao, and thank you dino. if i dont see this song in concert……… lord knows what will happen to me 

2. Let Me In – EXO 

this was my number one song of the year i think. It came out right before i went to japan so all those positive memories are associated with this song, but also like.. she’s just that bitch. My first release with DO, Chen, and Baekhyun on one track together and let me tell you.. This song is just too good. Vocals will always win me over and the entire bridge-last chorus (actually the whole song).. just so good. 

1. Can We Go Back – NCT DJJ 

Whore music. Vocals. What else do you need???? When i tell you this song has brought me out of a Mood several times,,, idk what it is i just love this song so much. i put it on to write this and like. there’s just nothing bad about this song, its too good. the instrumental, the vocals, they knew EXACTLY what they were doing. PLEASEEEEE keep letting jaehyun sing it’s such a crime to hide his voice 

Runner Ups: 

I DO – (G)-IDLE, Allergy – (G)-IDLE, Super – SEVENTEEN, Perfume – NCT DJJ, SHOOTING STAR – XG, Sinner – Kai, Rover – Kai, Ay-Yo – NCT 127, Lip Gloss – THE BOYZ, God of Music – SEVENTEEN, RODEO – WayV, Get a Guitar – RIIZE, Talk Saxy – RIIZE, Welcome to MY World – aespa, Drama – aespa, Guilty – TAEMIN, She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not – TAEMIN, NewJeans 2nd EP ‘Get Up’ 

“What about _” i probably forgot to add it, i wont lie 

inspired by threads ive seen on twitter. if you see this and want to do it PLEASE do!!!! and tag me in it!! i love reading these :)