#hes NEVER beating the npd allegations….

[agenderduck]

Family really needs to be spoken about in the same light as Transport and Electricity in how devastating of an episode it is, particularly with how it masterfully characterizes duck. Something to understand about Duck is that he’s aware to an extent, about the cycle that they’re in. He actively fears it, but unlike red, duck has grown to feel comfortable where he is. He has a consistent routine, friends that he cares about, but on the other hand if he even remotely steps out of line, all of that is threatened. So, to cope, he creates a false sense of self, one that is better than everyone, the best, one that is admirable, and composed, one that never breaks. But truthfully, deep down, Duck hates himself, though he doesn’t register it. He’s deeply anxious, and feels completely and utterly unlovable, hence why he latches onto the idea of being in a family. He participates in chivalrous acts to fill that void, thinking they will gain him the love and admiration he desperately wants, needs. Duck wants to be the dad, because to be a dad is to be respected and protective, qualities he both wants, and tries to embody. In his eyes, sacrificing his sense of self and autonomy is worth it in the end to keep him and his family safe, though he never had much say in it to begin with. In reality all he is doing is devaluing himself. Duck waters himself down to nothing but an explosive prop at times. He resorts to grandiosity to cope with it all because he would rather drown in his maladaptive tendencies than face the painful reality that he is nothing, that he is nobody. He is not real if he’s not being perceived, if he’s not being respected, if he’s not being adored. He’s a performer first, and a person last. It’s what the cycle calls for.

It hurts watching him struggle with the prospect that red and yellow might not feel the same way he does. To him, the three of them have always been a family. It’s like his whole world is crashing around him, yet, he still tries to remain composed, and patient, desperately hoping for them to come back to their senses. But it doesn’t happen, he is cast out, in his eyes rejected by the very people he devotes every waking moment to. Duck jumps to conclusions, because he needs them to love him, they are literally all he has. He sacrifices everything for this, for them to be a family, and they can’t even muster up a single ounce of reciprocity. Red just straight up said to his face multiple times that he doesn’t view them as a family, and yellow is just kind of stuck in the middle of it all, trying to be supportive. But to duck, both of his friends are rejecting him here, and he takes that perceived rejection hard. He spirals, lashes out, and retreats inside his brain, telling himself that he doesn’t need anyone but himself. The imagery of a whole family of ducks is striking as they are representative of not only Duck’s lack of self, but also the parts of himself that he deems unlovable coming out. Duck looks in on himself, and doesn’t like what he sees. The family in his mind represents the parts of him he doesn’t like to acknowledge, that he tucks away. In this moment he is not in control of his mind. His imaginary family looks just like him, they wear his clothes, his skin, they even sound like him, and in many ways they are him. Duck tries to find comfort in them, in himself but he can’t help but feel disturbed. He is a spectator in his own mind as he watches himself flip a table, argue, and throw mountains of food. He tells himself that it’s just a bad hatch, but even he knows thats not true. Duck is doomed to having a mind that runs off the rails anytime change of any kind occurs, his sense of self splitting with it. Him maintaining order is him keeping his mind at ease for the time being, because feeling is much too painful for him, but living without red and yellow is even worse.

[survivingdomesticviolencenpd]

Manipulation & Control

Everyone thinks that they have freedom of choice.  Their own free will.  That you have control over your life and your decisions.  Those of us who have never been in an abusive relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder would think that would hold true for the majority.  Yet those of us who have been with someone with NPD know all too well the reality of losing control of your life and how well they are able to manipulate you and those around you.

I would have described myself before this relationship as a strong-willed, self sufficient, go getter.  I was a single mother of four boys.  I had my own home, owned my own car, had worked at the same place for more than 10 years.  I enjoyed charity work and was involved with family.  I liked cooking and baking.  Sang in a band and did some modeling.  Was active in the community as well as on social media.  My children joke that there isn’t anywhere that we go where I don’t end up seeing someone I know.  Then I met him and our lives changed.  

He had friended me on Facebook and commented on my modeling page.  I was out one night after a charity event when he approached me.  He knew everything about me and had started a conversation with me while I was trying to figure out how I knew him.  I had invited him to bring his daughter over as our children attended the same elementary school.  He “lost my number” and it wasn’t until some time later that I heard from him again commenting on my modeling page.  This time, he did take me up on the offer of coming over.  I was actually trying to get him to go out with a girlfriend of mine.  He had to leave early that night as he was getting calls, claiming it was work, since he worked for the DoD, it was all so hush hush and he couldn’t talk about his “missions”.  

Needless to say, our conversations grew, we started spending more time together, and I was in absolute awe of him.  I thought it was a little strange that he would disappear, but he would claim that time got away from him and with his TBI, he was forgetful at times.  I believed him.  For a long time, I thought that he was amazing.  He could sing, he could dance, he was into the same things that I was.  He was this struggling single parent trying to do right by his daughter.  He would confide in me.  He would openly weep in front of me about his experiences in the Middle East and about his childhood.  How his step-father abused him as his mother stood by doing nothing. How his mother had kept him from his father for not paying child support and then his father ended up abandoning him for Vegas and another woman when he was 14.  This was heart wrenching confessions that made me cry along with him and want to show him that although life had been cruel, he was loved and appreciated.  He could be happy and life was good.

It wasn’t long before he and his daughter moved in.  Then we made plans to get married.  We looked for a bigger house where the kids could be more spread out and have their own space.  I wanted a pool for them to enjoy their summers by.  In an old home that would have the characteristics that I looked for.  I decided to go back to school to make more money since he liked what he did and said that school was not for him.  I also decided to get certified as an EMT.  Both of these decisions were a huge source of contention between us.  He accused me of only wanting to become a nurse so that I could leave him for a doctor.  At that point, I had been in the medical field for so long that his accusation seemed outlandish to me.  He then accused me of not wanting to spend time with him and this was a way to avoid him.  Or maybe it was another EMT or firefighter that I really wanted to leave him for.  He was sure that I was having an affair with my EMT instructor.  These allegations and the accusations became more ridiculous the further I got in my education.  There were times where I would have to come and sit with him while he worked as a 911 dispatcher in order to prove that I was not doing anything that I should not have been.

There were friends that I had to separate myself from because he would say that they didn’t support our relationship and would only tear us apart in the end.  He even tried to keep me from family.  He would message my brother-in-law asking if I was really at my parents and what I had been doing with them when he could not attend family events.  This was after I had texted him, sent him photos, spoken to him on the phone, etc. He claimed that he was just trying to keep me safe.  He just wanted to know that I was okay.  Why wouldn’t I share my location with him if I had nothing to hide?  Why would it be an issue if he messaged my friends and family to check up on me?  Why should it matter that he showed up unannounced during a school event or be sitting in his car parked right next to mine without letting me know he was there?

If this wasn’t absurd enough, he found a way to track me through a back door app on my phone.  He used Bluetooth to track me through my car.  He would drive by work to make sure that my car was there.  He would even show up with a coffee to “check” on me and make sure that I was alright.  He would get the schedule for the firehouse and dictate who I was allowed to work with and when.  He wanted my schedule to align with his schedule and heaven help me if it didn’t.  I wasn’t allowed to stay at school to study.  Nor could I have people over to study.  He wanted me in the same room with him at all times.  He wanted me to go to sleep when he went to sleep.  

It wasn’t long before he questioned my choice of clothing, my perfume, how I wore my hair or what color it was.  I couldn't even shower by myself when he was home.  He was either in the shower with me or watching me through the glass door. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom in private.  I wasn’t allowed to go to the gym or the grocery store by myself.  He wanted to hang all over me while we were in public.  The meltdowns that he would have when I asked for personal space.  Accusing me of not loving him or wanting him.  This doesn’t even include the physical abuse or the sexual coercion, the rape, the sodomy.  Or what he did to the kids and the dogs.  All while he is telling you that he isn’t hurting you, he is trying to protect you, save you, help you.  He loves you and would kill for you.  Trying to smother everything about you that makes you who you are.  So jealous of that woman that he literally wants to do you harm.  A rational person can’t comprehend it.

I have gotten an education about something I didn’t even know existed.  Something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  It has been the most terrible and debilitating experience I have ever known.  I am struggling with healing and learning how to be myself.  It is hard.  I still feel like I have to text someone to tell them where I am going, who I am going with, how long I will be, when I anticipate coming home, when I am leaving to come home, and when I have arrived home.  It is strange to tell yourself that you don’t have to do that anymore, but it is hard to unlearn those patterns when someone has literally beat it in to you that you have too or there will be consequences.