#but given that he already has a shit ton of kids i think that bird has well and truly flown the coop

[mastermatoyas]

Also come on, I understand that we live in a capitalist hellscape, but some joys really shouldn't be tarnished by profit motives. Don't kick Elon in the nuts for money, do it for the love of the game

[popculturebuffet]

House of Mouse: Max’s Embarrassing Date Review

Hello House Mouses and welcome back to the house of mouse. Another comission by Kev and my second House of Mouse for the valentine’s season. This time we’re not tackling a Valentine’s Episode necesarily, but a romantic one all the same as fan faviorite couple Max and Roxanne finally go on a date.  I always liked Max. Even as a kid when I wasn’t the biggest fan of “A Goofy Movie”, didn’t like the darker patches like the principals office scene or the Pete Hot tub scene.. though in hindsight both had legit greviances with Max... it just dosen’t make either less terrible as the principal still told an innocnet man who wasn’t responsible for what his kid did and was trying his best that his son was going to become a crminal because of one stupid but mostly harmless prank, and Pete.. is just an abusive, unlikeable and unlovable ass in both Goof Troop and Goofy Movie, and I hate how he treats his son, don’t blame his wife for leaving him or taking their daughter and dog, and am really sad he got custody of PJ somehow. And for the record this isn’t ALL petes, just this version. The rest are fine and just the right level of asshole. 

Point is despite my problems with the first film, I had none with the second and even now I like it due to having some really good ideas and concepts while also being gloirously rediclous due to the loveably dated X-Games element. While I do have a spot in my heart for the Dana Hill and Shaun Fleming versions, especially the latter once upon a christmas is awesome, Jason Marsden’s version is the best by the mile having the right amount of ego mixed with self doubt to make him likeable enough to brook him being an ass to his dad a lot. He’s a good character.. and it baffles me Disney NEVER uses him nowadays. No really, the last time he showed up was in twice upon a christmas and no one liked that because he was dating someone who wasn’t Roxanne just to rehash the same plot they’d already rehashed better in Extremley Goofy Movie. I REALLY need to rewatch that one. Hmm.... gonna see if I can squeeze that one into May or later in April. That’s for another time. 

But yeah while he’s at one of the disney parks, that’s it. The character just .. vanished, and hasn’t been brought back in any way shape or form. Though I could see either a Disney Plus reboot of goof troop or a goofy movie with max having his own kids. That could be intresting. Also bring Roxanne back as weirdly this episode i’m reviewing, a goofy movie and now her ducktales cameo are her ONLY apperances. 

Seriously I get she’s not the most fleshed out.. but then flesh her out. Like Max she’s crminally underused and while I get her absence as a character in the sequel, the plot really didn’t need her, he still could’ve been dating her off screen. Though clearly the two worked things out and tried again as this episode came out AFTER extremely did. But did this episode work out? Join me under the cut to find out. 

As i’ve decided is my standard for House of Mouse Episodes, shorts first, then wraparound, then Mickey Mouse live sex celebration. Though I will say i’ve picked up there are two kinds of formats for the show: They either use two of the longer Mouseworks shorts or just one close to 11 minute short, a medium one, and one of the little two minute segments. There might be a break from this in the future, we shall see but for now those ar ethe two standards. This time we have two longer shorts. 

Pluto’s Penthouse Sweet: 

I’ve mentioned in the past I dont’ really get why Pluto is part of Disney’s sensational six along with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Daisy. And I stand by that: While he’s had his own cartoons they just aren’t as entertaining and creative as MIckey’s or hilarous and relatable as Donald and Goofy’s. He’s just an average cartoon dog. He works fine in tandem with Mickey, but on his own he’s just nothing and his spot should be taken by pete, who while not a goodie all the time, again the goof troop version needs to step on a rake and fall into a well.. somehow. i didn’t think my insult through. Point is pete is better.  And this short isn’t BAD .. but to me it’s what some fans THINK the disney shorts are: Bland, maybe one or two good jokes but almost nothing new or intresting. As I found out last year, that’s far from the case, as a lot of the Donald shorts are still hilarious today and a lot of the mickey shorts are shockingly creative, like Thru The Mirorr where he goes .. well thru the mirror into a wonderland like world where all the inanaimate objects are alive and he can shrink and what not via astral projection, or Mickey’s Mechanical Man, which I sadly didn’t know about when I did the MIckey Birthday Special and for some reason isn’t on disne plus. In it Mickey creates a robot and has it box a monsterous looking gorillia. 

How has Mickey piloting this thing but giant sized against various kaiju been a thing yet? And if it has someone tell me. Seriously with all the comics and animated series how. I’d even settle for a Wonderful World of Mickey Mouse episode. Just bring this guy back. Point is there was far more invetnion than it seemed.. at least at first as it slowly died out as they went by the late 50′s. But Pluto just seemed even in their hayday like your standard pet gets into antics thing without the creative slapstick of tom and jerry or the likeablity of sylvester who never could get that asshole Tweety Bird. This is just weak sauce and whiel I could forgive the older shorts, as their from another time and likely lead to say Tom and Jerry... I can’t forgive this which was made probably in 1998 and released in 1999 originally. Comedy had evolved a LOT by that point and unlike the Goofy how to shorts, which are a format that is immortal and still evolved to match the times and felt fresh, these just feel stale and boring and like the last Pluto short I covered this one was a chore to sit through though not nearly AS bad. 

Still though the premise is about the same, Pluto’s left to his own devices, and finds a female dog, though in this case she’s VERY intrested in him. I”m also not entirley convinced she’s a dog, but instead one of Jumba’s experiments and that Lilo and Stitch later had to journey to.. wherever these shorts take place to fetch him. Or more likely the house of mouse. I mean Proud Family, Recess, American Dragon Jake Long and Kim Possible all take place int hat universe, why can’t house of mouse? Also tell me you wouldn’t watch an avengers style team consisting of Kim, Ron, Jake, Penny, Probably TJ, Lilo, Stitch and Donald Duck. If you wouldn’t i’d call you a liar because you would be. 

Seriously the eyes give her away.... just look at them. Very experimenty. But before Pluto can do it like they do on the discovery channel he has to get past the guard dog.. though how he does produces the one great gag of the short, as he BUILDS A GIANT, TROJAN HORSE ESQUE PLUTO OUT OF JUNK. Just holy shit that’s awesome> It gets him inside, only for him to find his lady friend is a bit TOO affectionate and he has to escape, he does so, and MIckey wonders if he missed him etc lame button. This short was a vacuum of comedy outside of GIANT PLUTO. Seriously where’s my disney giant mecha series. YOu have five main characters, and Pluto among with MANY, MANY side characters, frmo scrooge to the boys to hopefully Della, to even possibly pete and mortimer who could have their own mech against the heroes but maybe join them in the last episode. Maybe max and pj could have some, have a father vs son thing with PJ and Pete. I”m just saying, i’d watch it. I know my nieces would watch it. I know my nephews would watch it. Greenlight it. Or i’ll make it.. somehow. 

How to Ride a Bike: Speaking of the How To Shorts, as usual for the House of Mouse era ones.. this was awesome, pretty much what you’d expect, some goofy, pardon the pun, gags about goofy riding a bike and then a fun climax of him in a bike race. Not a ton to add, other than that hamster bike above is genius. Just needs some tweaking. Really funny, really simple, and really good as you’d expect from a good Goofy Short. Easily the best part of the episode. 

Max’s Embarrassing Date: So this was a disapointment. Like i’d try to be nice.. but I had high hopes given this brought Roxanne back, and while the premise was stock maybe they’d do something funny with with it. 

But no the plot is pretty standard, very predictable and fairly obnoxious. Max has a date with Roxanne, and is playing it cool and what not, but is worried his dad will find out.. which he somehow did offscreen. Probably Clarabelle.. I mean they do go out sometimes in this one, wouldn’t surprise me. 

So Max pleads with the rest of the HOM staff to keep him away because he fears his dad will overdo things, which.. is fair and one of the few things I like> He dosen’t want him to overdo it on the mood because this is well.. a first date. He dosen’t want to pressure her or himself and just wants it to be nice and calm. The problem is it’s framed like him once again being embarassed by his dad and having to learn better.

At this point we’d had TWO movies do this already, one of which was only two years old at the time of this episode. This plot is stale as old toast even if it dind’t have goofy in it. And the twist is predictable: the HOM crew end up also overdoing it: Minnie comments on how cute they are and wants candles brought, Daisy gets them a bigger table forgetting how dates work,t hough we do get a great gag of hte 7 dwarves stacked, and Mickey while having .. some.. gopher? I honestly can’t tell who it was, usually i’m better at the cameos. Speaking of which they also have a runner of beast going on a date with Cruella Devile. 

I mean is he cheating on his wife? Is she holding his wife hostage? Is this before belle because we see a post transfomratoin beast too so maybe the House of Mouse is an intersection of space and time? That’s.. actually the most resonable answer I can think of honestly and when i’m focusing more on how the hell your gag works than how funny it is, you clearly failed somewhere along the line. 

Point is Mickey puts his good friend in a pothole, and not only calls max little max, which while an understnadably close family thing to do is still embarassing, but also takes pictures while their eating the spagetthi.. which i’m 100% sure was Huey’s idea nad had Mickey not interrupted, would’ve been tied up down the middle for a lady and the tramp thing. It’s his signature move. Well that and having a panic attack. That’s also one of mine the others being lettterkenny refrences and sex jokes about disney characters.  But yeah this just.. dosen’t work. Them being as embarassing? that’d be fine.. if they weren’t wholly unsympathetic for not only keeping their friend from WELL INTEITONEDLY trying to help his son on his date, something his son shold have no problem with since ROXANNE’S MET HIM. AND IS FINE WITH HIM. AND NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU BEING HIS SON LIKE THE DICKHEADS AT SCHOOL. MINUS BOBBY WHO YOUR FRIENDS WITH FOR SOME REASON. My point is this plot bothers me a lot, and it makes the mickey crew come off like assholes for doing this to thier friend instead of just talking to him like a person. Especially since only ONE of them is a parent and Conviently donald is mostly absent. Likely because he realized this was going to end badly and just agreed to tie the spagetthi like huey taught him to keep his involvment in this shit show and gaslighting his best friend to a minimum. 

Eventually Mickey takes things a step too far and has Sebastian almost sing kiss the girl. Max cuts him off though yelling that he just wants them to back off, he just wants them to relax and he TOLD them this, which makes them come off worse as they KNEW he didn’t want this and did it anyway and never apologize becaue apparently the first rule of house of mouse is never apologize for anything, huh huh. Goofy naturally steps in, tells them off and agrees to serve them and Roxanne finds him entertaining and gives him a nose kiss for being a good dad. He’s a good guy that Goof.  Roxanne then whispers something in max’s ear at the end of the date... which gives him an audible erection. No really. And given his age is vauge here I’m suddenly super duper uncomfortable so let’s move on. 

So max tells them she liked it and wants to come back.. 100% sure that wasn’t what she said but what she said isn’t fit to print and you’ve seen what i’ve said and what I put in the we’ll be right back. Point is he’s happy, though Mickey says we’ll try to make it extra special next time. Mickey.. did you do a space mountain’s worth of pills and cokea nd just forget the entire evening? Did you take some of those hangover roofies/ Why would you do that? Was that pete’s new plan to steal the house of mouse? To drug you guys and make you forget you already paid the rent? Did PJ stop him? Inquiring me wants to know. 

Final Thoughts: Yeah this wasn’t a very good episode. Roxanne is wasted despite having a suitable replacment Roxanne voice in Grey Delise, with no real depth just to rehash the plot of the first and second goofy movies. And this one didn’t have an inexpilicable beatnik cafe, PJ getting laid and finally being happy for once, a standard college fraternity plot  surgeically infused with an out of nowhere obession with xtreme sports that was nowhere in the first film, Goofy in an afro, Goofy finding love, That disco sequence, and a climax in which Goofy carries Brad Garret out of a fire, then Brad Garret probably kills the villian of the film who certainly deserved it. My points are this episode was an underwhelming rehash only saved by some good shippy moments and a good goofy short. It was weak, not all that funny, and not all that intersting.  My other point is that an extremley goofy movie is awesome and also kinda insane and I love it for that. I’m glad I saw this one but i’m really disapointed in how bleh it was. Next time I visit the house of mouse is.. actually in a few days as Pete Does a One Man Show. So yeah already 100% better just by having THAT musical number in it, see you then and if not, there’s always another rainbow. 

[scolopendress-tag]

Have some Asra n Muriel disorganized headcanons: animal themed!

Asra's most likely to answer quetzal if you ask for his favourite bird (he had a close up encounter with one his first time in nopal and had never seen a bird like it so it's a special memory), but he also appreciates all others. He also loves dart frogs and his favorite reptile would of course be perfect lavender angel baby fictional fantasy pythons. I'd also see him loving dragonflies as well.

He will see literally any animal generally and always say "they're one of my favourites!", though. It doesn't matter how many times he's said it that day or how many animals he's said it about. It's almost without fail he'll point one out and say it's a favourite.

One of his favorite animals is always the one in front of him Right Now, as a quick reference.

Plus, he loves to point animals out on travels or when out and about Vesuvia, so get used to hearing it!

He may attempt to catch critters occasionally too, or just pick them up, these will be mostly bugs usually. He just likes to cup moths in his hand on occasion and the watch them flutter out and I think he should be allowed to! Or just cradle bugs in his palm and watch them walk around for a bit. If it's a reptile or amphibian somewhere it could get stepped on or dried out or eaten he will still scoop them up and carry them to the brush.

[Cont. after cut]

Nothing he ever handles seems to get too upset or stressed, even when it's an animal that otherwise would. They just seem to be more relaxed if it's Asra who's touching them. Sometimes reptiles just come up to him (or even crawl onto his hand, as a few lizards have,) curiously enough. Though they may still refuse to be touched even then, they're notably not bothered by his presence when for others they'd run away. It's not something Asra's ever noticed to be odd, nor would it be overly noticeable to most people, but it's definitely something you can recognize if you pay attention.

Asra would also love to run on the beach sometimes, namely as a kid, maybe making himself invisible or otherwise undetectable until he's right up on a big flock of seagulls before giving them a hearty boo! And watching them all fly away all giggly. As an adult he may still stir up flocks for fun sometimes, or just to see how pretty it is to watch them all fly at once.

In general he just loves watching birds or bugs or whatever be it fly, always so effortlessly. Maybe he wishes he could fly himself. It certainly would make things easier he would come to think time to time growing up in Vesuvia.

Plus, he likes to collect the feathers that flutter down. Back when he sold masks, they were something he incorporated into them often. Then, too, he would also sit by the river after wearing himself out practicing hydromancy or what not, and a few times dragonflies would perch on him. He'd always gasp n grin all big and goofy when they did.

Muriel doesn't pick favorites really when it comes to animals (barring wolves and bears), but he does mirror Asra's 'one of my favourites' statements by saying "they're one of Asra's favorites," Occasionally.

While Asra's animal encounters or observations are typically brief, Muriel is more than content to just watch animals long periods of time. He can spot or at least know where to find some seriously elusive ones. The only one such animal Asra seems to have luck like that with seems to be foxes.

If you want to see an animal, local to the area around Vesuvia namely, Muriel can probably help you with that, granted he trusts you. This includes dens, hives, and nesting sites of course, things he will stop by occasionally in his forest to check on. His luck/skill in finding these things can't seem to be mimicked by even the most skilled animal trackers, you'd think they were practically just showing themselves to only him.

Muriel is also content to let animals do their thing and not interact with them much. Birds, butterflies and similar may land on him occasionally and he's always enchanted by it though, and will make no move to prevent an animal being on or touching him. Similar to Asra, he will also remove any animals in bad spots and put them somewhere better. He's a bit more effective at this though, as he tends to be looking down anyways, while Asra has probably smooshed a few pillbugs and snails before while doing his own thing- eyes elsewhere.

If Muriel did ever nerf a bug accidentally he would probably feel pretty damn bad, and if it wasn't reduced to a mere smear he would return its poor bug corpse to nature so that it might reclaim it. He'd get over it quick though if he was in a good mood prior, just give him a moment. If he was upset over something else already and he killed one, I could see it even pushing him to tears or rather making it worse if he was already at that point.

Asra would probably be like 'awh.... :( oof, I'm sorry lil guy...' and sweep it into nature if he could, but otherwise he would not be impacted too much.

Asra would purposely kill bugs on a few occasions even, pest bugs namely - like flies or mosquitoes or, of course, plague beetles. He may even instinctively lash out and flatten a bug that simply resembles a plague beetle enough, particularly if something had his anxiety or panic (ptsd trigger from the plague??) going. Otherwise plague beetle resembling beetles he'd be a little unsettled by, or uncomfortable to be around, but not enough to necessarily kill. He'd either move it somewhere else, try to scare it off, or move away from it. Muriel doesn't have many hang ups on plague beetle resembling bugs, though he would probably kill the real deal readily.

Any dead animals not in a wild area (like left in the city or on a road,) Muriel would move as long as it wasn't yknow. Too nasty. Birds that hit windows, starved or sickly scavengers, anything that dropped in a heatwave or was claimed by a flood, things like that, recent deaths. It pains him to see at all, but pains him more to leave them just.... There. Some he may bury, others he may leave out in places where there's animals he know will take it for food.

Injured or sick animals Muriel would try to help best he could, and he's successfully done it a few times. If it's blistering hot he'd also likely leave water out here and there for the animals of the forest, and he may enlist Asra's help with this to replenish water in natural water basins as well in droughts.

Muriel can handle animal death okay, hunting and fishing is a thing he does to some degree, it's just the preventable or senseless ones that hurt, it's worth saying here. It's just sad. He'll be okay after though, unless there's something more nefarious and upsetting at play.

Asra helping unwell/hurt animals would mostly consist of magic healing, but beyond that he wouldn't know what to really do besides bring it to Muriel or any animal experts near him. He doesn't come across these situations too often thankfully, though. Domestic animals he would take in more readily, and would let crash at the shop for a while if he can. If it's a livestock animal he'll ask if Muriel wants to take it in, or even in the case of an ownerless pet animal. If not, he can ask around. See if anyone wants a new dog or cat or... Goat. I just imagine those are the kinds of animals he's most likely to find in need, being in the center of Vesuvia.

Moving on from that....

Animal knowledge!

Asra likely doesn't know a ton about animals outside of ones that feature prominently in magic and myth, he's just good at identifying them and overall tends to appreciate their presence. Identifying animals can make for good pass times on long travels, or if he just sees something particularly neat he may simply want to know what to call it. He also probably learned most the common local Vesuvian species names growing up, probably through reading, though the bulk of his knowledge of the nature he grew up around is probably botanical- foraging can be dangerous! Plus, magic knowledge probably leans more heavily on plants than animals as well.

If Asra can't identify an animal, though, he will simply make up a name for it on the spot. If he finds out it's ID later he will still refer to it as his made up name followed by AKA/sometimes called/locally known as [real name]. He also tends to refer to tons of animals as the infamous, famous, legendary, revered, etc. Regardless of relevance, commonality or obscurity. He just thinks they all deserve such titles, and when has a little flair ever hurt?

"Ah, MC, look! It's an Abramesmerwhymsical Zadithi midnight-billed stilt-wader! Though it's sometimes also known as the famous crab-plover," Kinda shit. He enjoys it.

Muriel doesn't actually know the actual names of a ton of animals species. He knows of a few though, not to mention the Asra-given names that stuck with him. Despite not knowing their names sometimes still, he can tell most all species apart readily, and juveniles from adults, males from females, things like that. He watches animals of the forest regularly and is in tune with the local species life cycles, breeding or rearing seasons, migratory patterns, unique behaviors and everything else. Though his knowledge is probably limited to Vesuvian species, he's able to quickly pick up on other animal's traits and such when outside of Vesuvian territory, and is generally good with animals as is.

He knows what doves/pigeons and owls and vipers and mice and geckos etc are. He may not know that a specific species of such is called like, namaqua doves, omani owls, ocellated mountain vipers, cario spiny mouse, kotschy's middle-toed geckos n shit. It's not like he has NO idea, species names are weird and can be long winded so....

...He just doesn't know that dunnocks aren't actually called stripple-caped tseepers.

But he doesn't need to. <3

If he does learn the real names for them though, he is quite glad and will use the name readily. If you're looking at a Muriel who's in the city more, he will probably read up on this information himself, but otherwise he would of course treasure it if MC told him.

The only reasons he doesn't even know the names to begin with is mostly because the names you'll hear out and about most commonly only cover a fraction of species to start, and everything else youre mostly going to have to study via reading or classes. Neither of those seem to be things a young homeless Muriel would care to pursue lmao.

Annnnd

I forgot what else I was going to add and lost track so, I'll maybe add more later. I'll probably also amend this as I may find I don't agree with my own statements the next day and also I don't proofread so. I hope u enjoyed these feel free to add on or add differing opinions!

[hopeshoodie]

Part 7 of my Pros and Cons of dating the different islanders (yes I’m finally coming back to this :P) 

Gary

Cons

He doesn’t have a whole lot of thoughts about things that he’s not actively excited or annoyed by, and he doesn’t really feign interest. If MC buys a new top, or is invested in a new show, or anything that Gary doesn’t really care about, he’ll really disinterestedly say “that’s cool babe,” and make her feel like it’s unimportant. He’s not patronizing/embarrassing her on purpose, he just doesn’t have a lot of tact. You would have to really talk to him and work with him to get him out of this habit, because he doesn’t see how it’s hurtful or care that much to change.

He gets really defensive. If you call him out on his behavior or point out how he’s really stubborn, he’ll argue with you without really considering if his behavior is bad. Arguments with Gary suck because it gets to a point where he’s not hearing you and will just say “whatever” and refuse to engage. The best way to change Gary’s behavior is some pavlovian shit- you need to offer positive reinforcement without him really noticing. When he communicates really well, shower him with affection. When he picks up after himself, tell him how much you appreciate it. 

He’s very willing to walk away from things that challenge him instead of trying to grow as a person. We saw that with him and Lottie- whenever she or MC offered valid criticism of his behavior he would just walk away. That applies to most areas of his life- if he tries a new hobby and isn’t good at it immediately he’ll drop it. He doesn’t really like trying new things or going to new places, and if something challenges his worldview he’s more likely to ignore it than engage.

I’ve said this already but he buys MC heart shaped jewelry and pandora charm bracelets...

Gary’s a lad. While he doesn’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings, he never really engaged with social justice issues and he hasn’t done the work needed to be anti-racist. He’ll laugh along to sexist, racist, homophobic, and ableist jokes without really thinking about the implication. He’s loath to call anyone out. If MC points out ‘hey that thing you/your friend said is hurtful,” he’ll get defensive and say “why are you ruining a good time? It was just a joke” If MC sits down and explains to him how the things he says are actively hurting her, he’ll internalize that and not do it. But he’s really hesitant to say the same to other people- he doesn’t want to ‘ruin the mood’ and get made fun of for being ‘PC’. 

Gary’s super dense. He doesn’t really pick up hints very well, so MC needs to explicitly tell him “I need you to compliment this dress” or “we haven’t gone on a proper date in awhile and I’m feeling undesired, can we go out for dinner tomorrow?” I firmly believe that the reason Gary tolerated all of Lottie’s passive aggressiveness was because he didn’t pick up on it, so MC needs to be direct. 

He doesn’t appreciate all the effort it takes to get all dolled up, even though he loves it when MC goes all out. I know he SAYS he doesn’t like high maintenance women, but in canon when given the choice between Hannah (seemingly low maintenance) and Marisol (very outgoing and done up), he chooses the higher-maintenance option. Every woman he dated on the show was a glam kind of girl- MC, Lottie, Marisol. So while he loves when MC has a full face and outfit done, he complains about how long it takes her and how she always sneaks away for touch ups during the night. He’s one of those dudes who is like “wow you’re so pretty without makeup” but you’re literally wearing foundation, contour, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, blush- he thinks the difference between makeup and not wearing any makeup is red lipstick. This is super annoying because MC puts a lot of effort into her look only for him to downplay that effort but still enjoy the results. 

Building off of the above, Gary severely underestimates how much effort it takes to do “domestic work” like cooking, cleaning, and administrating for the household (I imagine pre-MC he forgets to do the basics like renew licenses, register to vote, schedule appointments, etc). So if MC points out how she spent the whole day cleaning, he’ll be like “that seems a bit much? You just cleaned the kitchen?” and doesn’t really get it until MC breaks down “I swept and washed the floor, I disinfected the dishwasher, I ran cleaners through the sink link, I cleaned out and organized the fridge, I dusted and sanitized the chandelier, I organized the spice drawer,  I wiped out the cabinets…” He’s not really motivated to learn how to clean or do laundry or cook.

He doesn’t communicate. This is canon- he doesn’t tell Lottie where his head is at in the game, he strings Lottie and Hannah along, and he doesn’t reassure MC when other girls are clearly cracking on with him. So most of the problems in a relationship with Gary come from MC not knowing what he wants and him never initiating emotionally vulnerable conversations. 

He’s not going to do well if MC needs to travel a lot for work, and he’s not going to move to live with her. Even after his nan dies, I don’t see him leaving Chatham. So if moving to a new place is important to you, this is a dealbreaker.

Pros

If something goes really wrong, he’ll never do the same thing twice. This applies to physical mistakes as well as emotional- if he forgets to wear eye protection and gets sawdust in his eyes, he’ll be religious about wearing glasses from them on. If he forgets a birthday or anniversary and makes MC cry, he will be SO diligent from then on about remembering dates. On that thought, he HATES seeing MC cry. He will move heavens and earth to stop whatever’s upsetting her or fix it. 

Hugs and cuddling from Gary? So comforting. He just has that vibe, like he’s a really good cuddler. Not to mention that he’s really good at the nasty in canon, so it would stand to reason………

All of that internalized masculinity has an upside- he wants to take care of his family. He’s on top of all the ‘masculine’ caretaking stuff like buying a home, maintaining the landscaping, fixing the tires on the vehicles, shoveling, fixing stuff up around the house, managing the cable/internet/tech. Which is nice because I hate doing those things, but also I’m absolutely teaching him how to do laundry and pick up after himself. 

Gary is SO calm in emergency situations. I have this headcanon for Rahim too, but the more panicked those around them get, the calmer they are. Especially in situations where they’ve prepared/considered before like tornadoes or floods. They’re not the kind of guys who take the lead normally, but in these super dire situations they find it in them to take over and calm everyone else down. I can see him having a lowkey stockpile of food, an emergency first aid kit, and a go-bag. 

I know people don’t like this headcanon, but too bad. Gary is catholic. That’s the law. Sorry I don’t make the rules. That’s not so much of a pro for me, an atheist nihilist lesbian, but I can recognize a religious man has a certain amount of charm. He has a close knit community, is super consistent about attending services, and has a certain level of taking morals really seriously. He definitely donates a fair bit to charity and is always the one saying “love thy neighbor” when people are being shitty. 

Gary’s spontaneous, but in a controlled way. He very much likes his routine and respects MC’s need for consistency. But periodically he’ll just be like “we have nothing planned for today- want to go rent a paddleboat?” or he’ll pick up flowers “just because”. If MC and he are going on a vacation, he much prefers to only plan 1 or 2 things to do a day and then once they’re in the place see interesting things and suggest ‘let’s do that’. He’ll do really thoughtful stuff like text MC if she has anything planned for dinner then randomly bring her favorite restaurant food home. Thursday nights are date nights!! Doing formal ‘dress up nice and go to a proper dinner date without the kids and movie’ is really important to him.

Gary’s a really good dad. Like yeah he has a lot to learn about not telling his son to ‘stop crying’ and not telling his daughter ‘no boys until you’re married’, but he genuinely wants the best for them. He’s really supportive of their hobbies/sports/interests, and will happily pay for summer camp/field trips/conventions. He might not ‘get it’ all the time, but he’ll smile and nod. 

He gets a lot of delight out of really little things. If his kid draws something for him, he’ll pin it to the fridge and smile at it every time he sees it without fail. If MC says she likes a certain shirt on him, he’ll triple the amount of times he wears it. He keeps the bird feeders outside their dining room window full, because he can happily sit with a cup of coffee and watch the birds for hours. It truly is the little things.

He’s really good at remembering MC’s favorite things, or even things she mentioned liking once. This is to the point where it’s a bit confusing. MC will compliment Gary’s nan on her christmas poinsettias one year, then two years later Gary buys a ton of poinsettias and is like “I thought you loved poinsettias” and not be able to remember why he thought that. So MC has to be careful with fake compliments, because Gary cannot tell the difference. But that’s still, like, super endearing and nice of him. 

There’s a few LIs that I feel like could get bored in a long-term relationship. I can see Lucas, Felix, and Rahim feeling like they’re ‘falling out of love’ when the intensity of a new relationship fades and they struggle to settle into domesticity. Gary is NOT one of them. He’s one of those “I fall in love with you more every single day” kind of guys. As MC gains weight/ages, he’ll insist “you age like a fine wine” and “I like you more with meat on your bones”. He’ll insist to their kids that “your mom is the most beautiful woman on earth”. Gary was built for long-term relationships.

[stvpidinlove]

[ OLIVIA HOLT, SHE/HER, CIS WOMAN ]  —  [ REGAN MORGAN ]  is a child of  [ MORPHEUS ]  with the power of  [ PRECOGNITIVE DREAMING ] .  they were born in  [ 1995 ]  and have been in nemean lion since  [ 2019 ] .  with the change, they  [ ARE TRAINING IN ]  the  [ AMBASSADOR ]  role which makes sense since they’re usually  [ SCROLLING HER CURSED TIKTOK FYP & CONFUSING HER FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER ] .  if you’d like to meet them try the  [ MOON ]  building .

tl;dr she’s a deranged menace to society

BASICS

hometown: milford, pennsylvania

eye color: brown

hair color:  blonde

height: 5′3

sexuality: bisexual

birthday: january 19, 1995 ( capricorn )

BIO

regan’s mother was never the type to settle down. before meeting morpheus, her longest relationship had been three months. so when the guy seemed commitment-phobic, that was perfect for her. until, of course, she found out she was pregnant. she didn’t want to get married but she was at an age where the idea of motherhood...didn’t repulse her. so she wanted to keep the baby, at which point the father of her child didn’t get down on one knee, he started to explain the kinds of responsibilities she’d face as the mother of his child.

having the child of a god in her womb inflated her ego, which was pretty impressive considering how big it already was. see, regan’s mother was a southern belle without any of the class or manners. she’d breezed through the pageant circuit as a teen, winning a number of titles with minimal effort. her talent was essentially crying on demand and looking pretty while doing it. knowing she’d slept with a god, like an honest to...god felt sort of fitting. like, duh, who else would she have her first child with?

this also led to a brief but intense fixation with shakespeare, who name dropped gods like it was his job, which led to her choosing the name regan from king lear.

she moved to pennsylvania with regan when her daughter was only four years old, because some guy practically begged her to let him take care of her, and she had nowhere better to go. until, eventually, she did, thanks to the world of avon. her mother started selling out of boredom but then it turned out she was good at it, so good that she could easily buy a place once she got bored of her rich boyfriend, and move out with regan.

thankfully, her mother got out of the pyramid scheme before she got in too deep. she was hired by an actual, reputable cosmetics company and given a desk job to work in sales, which she was still a natural at. because she had a full time job now, regan spent a lot of time with nannies...and that’s nannies plural because regan was one of those kids who drove her caretakers to quit on a regular basis.

but not because she was a handful. she was pretty self-sufficient, actually, and totally well-behaved, she was just kind of...weird. she’d leave her room for dinner with all of her clothes suddenly on backwards and say nothing as if it was normal and act confused when her nanny asked about it. she’d stare at the tv when it was off, she’d spend one day only speaking in whispers, she’d write vaguely threatening messages on the mirror with her mother’s red lipstick.

all of this was because regan knew it was scary to adults, which made it fun for her. she wasn’t, like, actually disturbed. well, aside from the dreams she had sometimes. she’d have a dream about a baby bird falling from a nest, she’d watch its chest move for minutes before it died, then she’d wake up the next day and find a dead bird outside the sliding glass doors to the backyard.

for a while she thought they were coincidences. then she thought she was making things happen in her sleep, and that it was her job to stop bad things from happening, to save every baby bird that asked for help in her dreams. it took her a few years to accept that just because she sometimes saw the future didn’t mean she had any power to change it. she was warned so she could prepare herself, which only made her feel more powerless.

but being regan, she chose to cope with this aspect of her life with avoidance and humor. she doesn’t want to pick and choose what she worries about and what she doesn’t, so she decided a long time ago not to take anything seriously.

for reasons unknown, regan’s mother actually decided to have another child after regan. but she was unconventional, too, hence regan being...the way she is, so she never actually married the father of regan’s half-brother, but they have been together for the past 15 years, so.

her brother is eleven years younger than she is, so in regan’s mind, a baby. whenever left with the task of babysitting him while the two were growing up, it would be regan who suggested ice cream for breakfast and sock sliding around the living room at dangerous speeds.

RANDOM FACTS

i want to v*mit saying this but.....she’s kind of like........the female version of stevesuptic. except for she’s cute <3

her entire twitch account is kind of satirical, like it’s very hard to gauge what her actual personality is. i don’t think her viewers bully her the way they bully steve bc she would bully them back LMAO but they ask her a lot of random ass super weird sometimes borderline disturbing questions and she answers them like it’s normal

she def has weird/creepy drawings whenever playing gartic phone tho /:

ig you could say her channel is like shit posting but make it a streamer. she has a really nice set up and she always looks made up in her streams but then the content is her playing like a cat dating sim for four hours

she’s actually pretty shit at most games that require any level of skill and her following comes entirely from her personality and her Brand ig, she’s just entertaining to watch bc she says and does the most ??? things. like she’s not a gamer girl and doesn’t say she is she just has a twitch and plays games for the attention

also she has a cat named muffintop (best part of the muffin, not the offensive term for a woman’s stomach, though she will say that’s what it means if someone asks) who she regularly posts memes of and like most of her twitch emotes are her cat. you can find examples on her pinterest board lmao

i think it’s pretty hard to get an actual vision out of regan? she mostly keeps those to herself and just lies about her dreams. she’ll just be like, “yeah actually i had a dream you were gonna choke on some oatmeal so stay safe out there.” she’s also only partially sure when a dream is actually about the future.

her like <3 symbol that represents her is butterflies, she has a ton of butterfly shit

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

idk if i am requesting a roommate for once, idk if i wanna subject anyone to that

someone naive who believes her any time she says something is Going To Happen, no matter how stupid it is and no matter how many times things simply do not happen??

a bestie because...............................i just feel like she wormed her way into someone’s inner circle and they’re just stuck with her now

[baldwinboy5ive]

My absolute aspirational, dream, reach scenario for Hawk in season 4 is not happening BUT that doesn’t seem to be stopping me from TALKING ABOUT IT A LOT ANYWAY! let’s gooooooooo

Warning: this is going to be a long walk to get to my point, I sure wasn’t kidding when I said “a lot.” SO much rambling about little bird over here. so much.

I would love to see Julie-san back, period, and I started to ramble to anyone who would listen about that, but then after I rewatched the episode where Miyagi-Do got trashed, I actually realized a few concrete reasons why I feel she’d be such a great addition to the show, if only for an episode or two! 

My heart was just so broken for Daniel-san when he saw what happened to the dojo. He doesn’t care about things, he only cared so much about the Medal of Honor and the car being graffitied because those things were from Mr. Miyagi, obviously. And that appeared to totally break him, and it just made me feel so sad because in that moment he seemed so alone. I don’t think anybody had the same kind of relationship with him that Daniel did, besides Julie-san. Of course, he was like a grandfather to Sam, and he knew the whole rest of Daniel’s family, but still that isn’t quite the same. I’m sure that all of Daniel’s family just loved him so much, because how could anyone not, but the father-son relationship Daniel had with him was so special and no one else in his family had that kind of relationship with him. But someone else did. 

I really wanted Julie-san to come and maybe bond with Daniel over how much they both loved Mr. Miyagi so much as a teacher and father figure after they had both lost their fathers - or in Julie’s case, both her parents. 

And then I realized that she would be so amazing as a mentor too. It wouldn’t be too far-fetched to think she comes to LA to check out all this karate drama she’s hearing about if it involves a dojo called “Miyagi-Do” - she has a huge connection to Mr. Miyagi, so maybe she wants to see what’s going on with her old mentor’s other student. 

It’d be kind of funny if Julie could share some stories with Daniel from her perspective of when she pissed off Mr. Miyagi so much, haha. In the same episode that Miyagi-Do got vandalized (this one episode seriously inspired so many thoughts in me), Daniel’s patience was wearing thin with Demetri. Daniel wants to emulate Mr. Miyagi so bad but what Daniel might not have realized is that once, even Mr. Miyagi came this close to losing it hahah. I didn’t even know he could get that mad, hahahaha.  When Julie-san was like “You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” and Mr. Miyagi was just like... “........” ahahaha oh man. It’s just... it would be so nice for Daniel to hear from her about all this, like reading the letters Mr. Miyagi had once written. 

Now, in addition to ALL of that... because I assume that Daniel would have heard and known of her from Mr. Miyagi, I do feel like it’d be amazing if, after meeting her and seeing how great she turned out, he said to her, “I know that you had to deal with a lot of anger when you were younger, and I was wondering if you might be willing to help me out with something about that. See, there’s this Hawk...” 

“I love hawks.” 

“not like that” and I swear to God this isn’t just that dumb hawk joke that I was dying to make, though, I promise ahahaha. 

I mean there definitely is room there for that joke but Hawk and Julie would fit together so well. Even if the source of their anger was very different, she still could relate to him because she had no way of channeling her anger until Mr. Miyagi came along and guided her, and she just found so much peace after.

And I see such a parallel to when she became more self-assured and had that “If I’m ever going to respect myself, I have to do this” moment - it’s clear that Hawk has VERY little respect for himself. There is a lot of denial and self-loathing going on with this poor guy and he needs to learn how to get past that and learn to love himself. 

I think the movie doesn’t go into it a whole lot but Julie definitely seemed to deal with that self-loathing a bit too with like, the expectation that her grandma would tell her “Oh you messed up, you made another mistake, you screwed up.” 

Hawk still has no one to help him do these things - yeah, he changed sides at the very last minute - dude had us in the 4th quarter with 5 seconds left on the clock and we got ball - but that of course in no way means all of his other anger issues are resolved, right? He needs someone. 

I actually got kind of infuriated at Amanda saying that if Robby doesn't want to come back, "You're going to have to let him go," like it's one of those "If you love something let it go" type of situations, and thank GOD Daniel pushed back on it! Thank God he did, and said "I can't just let him go," and then he said, "He has no one." Man, that part was gut-wrenching. I absolutely love Robby, I really do, but I'm actually less worried for him now. He does have someone now - I think Johnny really is going to try for Robby, and even if he does massively fuck up - which he might, or he might not - I think Daniel will still be there for Robby because he cares about him so much. Robby will, hopefully, be all right. But Hawk I truly do worry about, and Hawk I really do think actually does have no one right now. Except for Demetri, who I still hope after all this will be willing to throw down for him, but he’s his best friend, not a sensei or mentor. 

I hate so much how Johnny treats Hawk and hate how he's failed him, like in multiple ways, and legitimately get mad about it sometimes, hahaha - I will NEVER get over how harshly he treated Hawk and Miguel and made them clean mats, and then ONLY MIGUEL got that honest heart-to-heart after. And this was in response to the both of them calmly asking Johnny about something instead of being accusatory, angry, or anything really, they were simply trying to have a talk with him, and then he just told them to GTFO. (Man, my HEART hurts at the way Hawk still bows to his sensei even then, before he GTFOs.) But anyway - what I'm getting at here is, it really does seem to me that Johnny just does not like even interacting with Hawk. Every single time he interacts with him, save for the one time that he gave him his new name, it's always just so hostile. It's probably at least partially due to Hawk reminding him so much of his younger self, and Johnny likely does not want to deal with or face that self-reflection at all. So to me it feels like a really tall order to ask Johnny to have any sort of real talk with this one particular student who needs him so much. And if he were to even try - would it even be productive, or would it just be more yelling? 

It makes me think of how, in the beginning of The Next Karate Kid, when Mr. Miyagi sends Julie's grandma off to take a break, it's really to give Julie and her grandma some forced time apart. Everyone knew it was needed, it just couldn't happen until Mr. Miyagi could take care of Julie. Julie and her grandma were both dealing with too much - Julie lost her parents, Julie's grandma lost her child - and all they could ever do is get angry with each other. "Talking doesn't seem to help. It just makes things worse," Julie's grandma said.

And right before they part ways, Julie tearfully says to her grandma, "I've tried sometimes to just talk to you, and not get angry, but everything gets messed up and I don't know why." God, that just got to me so much. She's just a kid, and she had this moment of actually trying, and it's not her fault that she doesn't know how to fix things, and it’s okay that she doesn’t know why! Then her grandma admitted her own shortcoming by saying "Things get messed up for me, too." It was a good moment between them.

Hawk is still a good kid, I'm never going to not believe that, probably, hahaha. He was going to step up and confess to vandalizing the Miyagi-Do dojo until Kreese stopped him. (Speaking of that, Johnny had basically given all these students permission to view Kreese as a sensei just as much as they do him - and Kreese hadn't given any of them any reason yet to think he was actually Bad News. Maybe Hawk even thought that Kreese would talk to Johnny first and soften the blow, when he said he would "handle it." But, well - we saw how he handled it!!!)  So, I do not put it past him to be able to admit at least a little bit of fault, or admit to feeling lost, or reaching out for some kind of help. I don't see him doing it in any dramatic fashion or anything like that, or being sorrowfully apologetic and the like, but just... you know, the way Julie said it, I could see him doing something like that. But unfortunately for him, I don't know who is there to hear that from him and then give him that help.

I really don't see Johnny ever owning up to how his negligence and hostility and favoritism contributed to how violent Hawk became... which is sad, cause even just that one small admission of "Things get messed up for me, too" was probably the first step in repairing the damage between Julie and her grandma (even if we don't get to see them afterwards). And they likely would not have been able to get there, or they would have had a lot more trouble getting there, if not for Mr. Miyagi intervening. Julie needed to hear that.

Maybe Hawk just needs someone external to come and shake things up a little bit and be a mentor, someone who isn't so tied up in this karate soap opera already. I think Daniel genuinely does want to help these kids, but I don't know if I really see him having that much sympathy for Hawk, either, and I don't know if he would understand the depths of his anger. Sure, Daniel was absolutely bullied back when he was younger, and I'm not downplaying that at all, but it wasn't to the degree that Eli went through, which resulted in a shit ton more anger than it ever did in Daniel. And then, of course, Daniel had Mr. Miyagi step in early enough to make sure Daniel's anger and need for revenge never got so out of hand. Johnny's simply not going to be able to be that person for Hawk, at least not now. But maybe, maybe one day he could get there if someone came along to jump-start it, the way Ali had to come in and knock his head loose a little about his rivalry with Daniel, and I'd really love for that to be Julie-san. 

there’s definitely also room for several hawk jokes in there somewhere too

[revchainsaw]

The Crow (1994)

Alright Cult of Cult. Do I really need to introduce this one? Let's get all 90s and gothy and maybe brace ourselves for a bit of cringe, but like in a fun way. It's the Holy Grail of Hot Topic, 1994's the Crow Starring Brandon Lee.

Sermon

Apparently before the auto industry totally crashed Detroit was already a total fucked to death pile of burning shit, or at least that's what the crow would have you believe. Sorry Bruce Campbell, and other people from Detroit, but mostly Bruce Campbell. According to the Crow the city of Detroit is the kind of place where gangs of warlock anarchist arsonists will bomb buildings, and murder and rape whoever they feel like and then walk around bragging about it the next day with absolutely zero consequences. Funny then that if Detroit was so bad they had to go to film this movie in Wilmington North Carolina which is definitely a fucked to death pile of burning shit. I can say that, I'm from there and I got the fuck out. My brother is going to kill me if he ever reads this. (It's okay, these are all jokes people). Did you know they also filmed the Super Mario Bros movie there ... also cuz they needed a really shitty looking distopia. Moving on ...

The ludicrous criminality of the Crow's Detroit is particularly on display on Halloween. In Detroit (apparently) Halloween is known as Devils Night and it's legitimately just a night of pure lawlessness and chaos and kids aren't even safe to get candy, except later when we do see trick or treaters. Eric Draven, hunky goth rocker who sort of looks like he could be Bruce Lee's Kid and his fiance are murdered by a gang of vicious criminals. One year hence, Eric is resurrected by a mystical crow (that is actually a Raven), to exact his revenge on the gang that murdered him.

He paints his face like sad Alice Cooper and refuses to listen to Joy Division, just covers. He murders Tin Tin (a knife guy) just for his long gothy duster, he murders Fun Boy and forcibly ejects heroine from her arms and tells her "Go be a good mom now" which actually works. (have I told you about our Lord and Savior Sting? He gave me the strength to get off drugs), he blows T Bird up dick first, and then comes for Skab? Scraap? Scooby? in a meeting of all of Detroits villains and just about kills them all.

He is supported by the most 90s little girl to have ever graced the screen, and I am here for it, and Officer Albrecht, who's played by Ernie Hudson but I like to call him Zeddemore: The Most Underrated Ghostbuster. The leader of the bad guys, who I cannot beleive wasn't played by Brad Dourif or Tom Waits, is pretty interested in the occult. He keeps his witchy girlfriend around and she makes him fun dishes like smoked eyeballs, and her main use is that she knows that the Crow is the Crows weakness. They set Tony Fucking Todd on the bird, and I guess you just have to hurt the bird and not kill it, and Eric loses his healing factor and other macabre undead powers.

The Crow, Jimmy the Raven, pecks out Dr. Girlfriends eyeballs, I honestly forget how Tony Todd gets offed, and Top Dollar gets Gargoyled (that is impaled on a gargoyle). Funnily enough that is more Gargoyle related impaling on screen then in the actual movie Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness where a Gargoyle is supposed to have impaled a guy.

The Benediction

Best Feature: Injustice League

In the Crow we have not only a set of super memorable villains but they are played by the bad guy all stars. John Polito as the most lowly of the bad guys as a kind of sleazy pawn shop owner who buys ill gotten gains. Tony Todd, who's size is really on display here, the freaking Candy Man is in this movie. T Bird is the head of Top Dollars goons and is played by David Patrick Kelly, you might know as the "Warriors Come Out and Play!!" bottle guy from the Warriors, or as Jimmy Horne from Twin Peaks, and of course Top Dollar himself is played by Michael Wincott. Wincott is not a particularly celebrated actor but has played villains effectively in Robin Hood, the Three Musketeers, and Dead Man.

Best Set Piece: Detroit Style Hot Dogs

The Set design of the Crow is perhaps one of it's most fantastic features. It's very moody and ethereal. It's just real enough to not take you out of the film, but fantastic enough to set mood and theme above realism. From Eric Draven's apartment, to the church where the final battle occurs they are all fantastic. I think that's why I really wanted to shine the spot light on a very minor set piece that would get nary a mention but just as effectively represents the qualities I was just talking about and that is the Maxi Doggs Hot Dog Stand, where a lot of the films exposition for audience surrogates takes place.

Worst Effect: Freeze Frame

At a few points in the movie the film makers made a strange decision to do these freeze frame transitions. I only noticed it twice in the movie where it was particularly stupid. I'm sure the film makers at the time thought it was a moody and atmospheric choice that highlighted the suffering that Eric Draven was going through, but it didn't age well. If you don't have the sensibilities of a goth girl from 1994 then it's very very hard not to laugh at just how self involved the movie is about it's super sadness.

Worst Feature: Tragic Accident

Solely based on the film itself, it is that very gothic and dated sensibility that hurts the Crow. The little sarcastic dance he does when he flees the police, quoting Edgar Allen Poe, and bowing to Albrecht. These affected behaviors that I'm sure seemed snarky and right on to the target audience only serve to make Eric Draven seem like an unbearable neck beard edgelord and not the troubled dark soul he's supposed to be. I'm sure at the time it seemed unique and gothy but that shit went out of style for good reason, people could see through it. It's a shame that the Crow himself was some of the cringiest parts of this movie now that I'm seeing it as an adult and not a 13 year old middle class boy with no real problems.

This however is not the low point of the movie. It's not news now and if you're reading some dudes review of The Crow on Tumblr then you probably already know the story. The worst thing about The Crow is that Brandon Lee was horrifically killed on set while filming this movie due to some negligible prop malfunctions. A series of unfortunate events that lead to the actor spending 6 hours in surgery fighting for his life before eventually passing. It was not a quick or painless death and it's really impossible to watch the movie without an appreciation for the fact that this kind of fun dark adventure was going to be a vehicle for Brandon Lee's career wound up taking his life. He was 28. I really wish I could have just bitched about the goofy goth stuff and moved on, but that's not the world we live in.

Best Effect: The Gargoyling

Maybe I should have called this best kill. But I'm not sure which it is. The slaying of Top Dollar at the Climax of the film was just super effective. The pointed wings impaling his chest and that horn coming out of his mouth, it was morbid and excellent and just fit the tone of the movie perfectly. I mean how many other movies can you say Cause of Death: Impaled on a Gargoyle.

Best Bird: The Raven

I tried very hard to look up the name of the bird that primarily performed in this movie and could not find anything. There was a Raven once upon a time called Jimmy the Raven, but that was in the 50s and I don't think birds live that long. There was a team of Ravens performing as the crow, they were chosen over crows for their larger size, and more imposing silhouettes. I just think it's so wonderful to see these often maligned birds get a chance to show off their talents. Corvids of all kinds are incredibly intelligent creatures. Im a sucker for animals, if you haven't already figured that out. I really liked seeing the ravens hit their marks, particularly the one whos job it was to drop the wedding ring into Sarah's hand at the end of the film. You can see that greedy little bastard do his trick and then look of camera at his trainer like "treat please!". It's very cute.

Best Actor: Top Dollar Performance

I'd love to take this opportunity to just put praise upon Brandon Lee, he truly gave everything for this role, but unfortunately with what was put to film we actually have very few character moments with Eric Draven. Stuff happens to him, and he does killings and fights. There's definitely some personality, but I felt like I walked away knowing almost nothing about who Eric Draven was. He was clearly a good dude but that and a few hobbies and a relationship and you don't really have a character yet. He's unfortunately not given a lot of acting to do, instead just relegated to stunts and action sequences. That were notably cool.

The bad guys in the Crow have a lot more character and among this who's who of character actors, Michael Wincott takes the cake. Hell he was standing next to Candyman himself, Tony Todd and still stealing the scenes.

Best Character: A Few Good Apples

Is the best character in The Crow really going to be the cop? The commissioner Gordon stand in? yeah, it is. Not to be political, but I don't like cops, but I guess in a world with magical birds and eyeball smoking I can suspend my disbelief and let Ernie Hudson be #1 cop dad. His character is really the heart of the film, since all Eric can do is brood and fight, we have to care about someone in this movie.

Best Sequence: Halloween Party

The best sequence of the movie is of course the scene where Eric Draven busts in on the Devil's Night party planning commission. I think Top Dollar brought Scrappy Doo there just so he could lure out the crow, knowing the baddest assholes in all of Detroit would be gathered it was likely that somebody was going to kill the beast, or if they couldn't at least Top Dollar could get a feel for his enemy. It's a bullet flying action sequence with a ton of weight. I can't put my finger on this all to common weightless third act problem that big budget super hero and action flicks have nowadays, but whatever that issue is, the Crow does not have that issue. From this point on the Climax feels earned and I am invested. For that reason, The Crow is honestly better in spite of its awkwardness, than many of the super hero movies out today.

Worst Sequence: My Guitar Gently Weeps

Speaking of brooding or fighting. The best sequence was fighting, the worst is brooding. I get that Eric was in a band or something, but didn't he have shit to do. It seemed like it was a cool idea for a shot, but for like a whole seen, watching somebody play an 80s guitar solo, that stood out so brazenly from the choices of music in the rest of the movie was extra corny. It felt like someone's( dad trying to relate to their kid. Oh you like Music. The Dresden Dolls eh? Oh man, then you're going to love Slash's Snake Pit!

Summary

The Crow is dated. It is iconic but I wonder how many of the people that hang that poster on the wall have watched that movie since they were kids. It's interesting how what i've liked and disliked about this film have changed so much sense I was a kid. It's a cheeseball fiesta. If you have matured at all beyond thinking that being sad is the same as being deep then you're going to like it a little less than you did when you were younger, but it is still solid. There's not much to hate on. I'd watch it over and over again. I was really afraid it would not hold up at all, but returning to The Crow was a completely positive experience.

Overall Grade: B

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Chris basically blacking out when the medicine wears out and Jake bundling him up in a blanket and carrying him to bed or the couch, holding Chris tightly as he lets him sleep soundly

CW: Sick/feverish whumpee, neurodivergent whumpee having a reaction to medicine, referenced past child abuse and domestic abuse, referenced dubcon attempt. Thoughts of an abuse survivor on his fear of recreating the cycle of abuse.

Tagging: @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings, @endless-whump, @whumpfigure, @stxckfxck, @slaintetowhump, @astrobly, @newandfiguringitout, @doveotions

This is what having a newborn feels like, isn’t it? The thought filters blearily into Jake’s mind as he slowly registers the numbers staring back at him from his cell phone’s lock screen. 4:10 AM. 

There’s already a bird stubbornly singing just outside the window in the white birch tree. It’s got to be that red cardinal Chris is obsessed with - or his mate - they’ve set themselves up a nice little domestic scene out there with a nest. Chris swore after Jake caught him hanging halfway out the window and nearly had a heart attack that they have eggs now. 

Jake normally likes just about anything that makes Chris happy, but right now he hates that fucking bird. He’s been fighting a wild urge to stomp outside and wring its stupid feathered neck.

The bundle of sweat and red hair beside him shifts, and Jake takes a deep breath, settling back against the couch and letting his eyes slowly drift closed, tightening his arm over the blanket-draped lump that would normally be an energetic, cheerful teenage boy.

Chris, at least, had finally stopped bouncing off the fucking walls a half-hour ago or so. Jake had thought Nyquil was a great plan for the nasty flu bug that took Chris out for the count... until it turned out something in Chris didn’t read Nyquil the way everyone else’s body did, and instead of peacefully sleeping off his symptoms, Chris... lost it.

He’s spent the whole night alternating between a constant chattering narration of every single breath he takes to rocking, tapping, shaking, spinning, working out energy that wouldn’t end. Nat told Jake early on it’s called stimming, and Jake definitely can’t think of any other word for what it is - not when he can see what it’s doing to Chris, soothing jangled nerves, keeping his brain more on track, helping him find words when they would otherwise spark like embers and float away.

Chris talked all night.

He’d told Jake all about every detail of the hallway he’d lived in, drawn him a diagram of the fucking bedroom the Mystery Asshole had kept him locked up in, talked about silk sheets and grosser things until Jake asked him to stop. Chris had explained white rooms and white walls and fog and pain. He had talked and talked and talked and talked.

He’d been jittery, snapping irritation when he didn’t mean to but then turning those big puppy eyes on Jake with a mouthful of apologies as soon as he did. He’d gone from cheerful to terrified and back again, unable to stop his mind from whatever wild rabbit trail it ran down. He’d even tested Jake again and he hadn’t done that in months, climbed on top of him and started trying to kiss him before Jake pushed him back and said no for the third time, as firmly as he could without sounding cold or cruel.

Chris had collapsed in relief at the rejection and then bounced back up again, throwing arms around Jake’s neck and thanking him and then tearing off to the kitchen for a snack only to realize he was still so sick he wasn’t hungry and drinking too much Gatorade instead. Jake had half-expected him to climb the damn walls like Spiderman.

The little rescue narrated every move he made until Jake would have given just about anything to shut him up and had to keep reminding himself of how eerie it had been back when Chris did nothing but hide silently in perfect stillness under or behind the bed. 

Now - finally - it’s wearing off, making its way out of his system, and the constant barrage of motion has ceased. Chris is settled against him breathing slowly, evenly. 

Thank God it’s a Friday and Jake doesn’t have classes. Otherwise he’d have been up all night and still have to get ready to catch the bus by 7:30, be on campus ‘til nearly 10, and then come back again.

There’s a girl he has a ton of classes with who has an almost-two-year-old and he wonders, now, if all the times he’s thought she looked kind of tired... if she had just been up like this, all night, and still had to make it work the next day because life doesn’t stop just because someone needs you.

Instead, he shifts himself and Chris very slowly. Chris’s fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt and hold tightly, even in his sleep he won’t let Jake go. It takes some doing, but Jake eventually gets himself laid out on his back on the couch, head against one arm and his feet hanging in thin air off the either, with Chris laid out on top of him. He’s a fucking furnace giving off body heat and Jake is sweaty already, but fuck it - he’s so exhausted he doubts being a little hot is going to keep him from blacking out soon, too.

Is this what having kids is like? A weight on your chest, the sound of snuffling breaths, sweaty forehead a sign that the fever is broken, hands smaller than yours holding onto you for dear life and with perfect trust that you don’t deserve, can’t ever do enough to earn?

Trust you could shatter, a person you could destroy, just by fucking up?

Jake lays there with his heart pounding in fear at the thought. Chris’s dependency is only something he can handle because it’s spread around - he depends on Nat and on Antoni, too, Leila when she’ll let the little Romantic get close to her. Kauri whenever he drops by.

Jake would do anything for Chris - and there’s enough in Chris, like his straightened teeth and obvious gymnastics training and the things he mumbles to himself sometimes when sparks of something that used to be his life come back, to suggest that he had had parents once who loved him, too - but the idea of someone needing him so badly, and for forever or close to it, is the scariest thing he can imagine.

One day Chris will do something that makes him angry - and it doesn’t matter how Jake acts, Chris will forgive him for it immediately. Jake knows because he used to be the kid who forgave the anger, too.

He swallows against the terror that comes with the memory, that someone could be your worst fear and still hold you when you were sick, could leave bruises where your t-shirts would hide them and still lay a gentle hand to your forehead to feel for a fever. Could throw a plate to smash against the wall next to a small boy’s head while screaming spit into his little round face and then take him to fly kites at a park the next day.

He knows how easy it is to step over that line, he watched his father do it every night. Watched his mother argue and cajole and plead and try to step between them and take it, and then - in the end, when nothing else worked - turn away. Go to a different room. Leave Jake with the monster that turned into a man and back again with a suddenness that no child could ever have been expected to predict.

But she’d left, too, and he never thought of what hadn’t been done without thinking of what had. That she had packed her bags and his, set aside a few dollars here and there with a friend she trusted, and in the end... she hadn’t left Jake with the monster at all, but had taken her preteen son’s hand and walked out the door.

He doesn’t want to be his mother - who could make herself turn away from the injured boy who needed her help. He doesn’t want to be his mother and father’s families, who hid behind the Bible and the church to avoid taking responsibility, who said ‘it takes two’, who sent Jake’s mother to counselors who quoted verses instead of telling her to leave.

He would rather die than be his father - the monster with two faces. 

But the idea that Chris needs him this much, in ways that the other rescues don’t, makes him terrified he could end up just like them, anyway, whether he wants to be or not. 

These are late-night thoughts and Jake knows it. They’re foggy, slip-slide thoughts. The ideas and fears that come to you when your mind is a physical heaviness inside you, when exhaustion is all your body knows and still sleep can’t find you. 

He doesn’t think about it during the day. Only at night, and it’s morning but the world is still dark outside, and so is Jake, inside.

Outside the window, the cardinal has stopped singing. Jake slides his arms up over Chris’s back, lays them across his shoulder blades, and holds him so tightly the sleeping boy shifts around a little.

“Love, love, love-love you, Jake,” Chris mumbles against his collarbone.

“Love you too, kid,” Jake whispers back.

It should feel great, to hear it. It should feel amazing.

Instead, Jake’s veins flood with adrenaline in a new burst of fear. He can’t possibly live up to the trust Chris has in him, but he’s going to have to try... and pray that when he fails, he doesn’t fail in ways he can’t come back from. 

I promise I won’t hurt you, Jake thinks, mouths the words but doesn’t say them. If he speaks the promise, he’s just like his father, who swore up and down again and again that this would be the last time, then this, then this time and this time.

Jake has had so many this is the last time I’ll hurt you, it won’t happen again, I promise I would never hurt yous happen to him that he knows words don’t mean shit. What matters isn’t asking someone to trust you - but proving they can.

He has to hope he can be worth even half of the instant, immediate, total trust Chris has put in his hands.

Someone else once tried, with Chris. He clearly had parents who cared for him, once upon a time. Are they still out there? Did something change, and they sold their own kid? Was Chris abducted, hauled off in a white van like the rumors say? 

Are there good parents still out there searching for him, while Jake is the best Chris can do now?

Is he playing at being a big brother when Chris might have a real one out there who misses him? They can’t find him, or anyone who even looks like him, on any missing persons reports.

What if he doesn’t have anyone?

What if Jake - with his fears and his anger - is really all Chris has?

He’s still holding Chris, staring up at the ceiling, thoughts spinning and circling like Chris in the depths of the Nyquil-high, when Natalie comes downstairs at 6:30 to start coffee.

That fucking cardinal has started singing again.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

FTWD 6x12 - In Dreams

Wow! This episode was Amazing! As I told my fellow theorists, this is one of those episodes, much like TWD 10x18, Find Me, that’s kinda gonna be a holy grail of TD symbolism. So buckle up! There’s a lot here to unpack. 

***As always, spoilers for FTWD 6x12 abound below. Don’t read until you’ve watched!***

This episode really was amazing, but also super-sad. While obviously it’s extremely tragic the baby didn’t make it, I will say that I’m glad Grace isn’t leaving the show just yet. It was amazing for the symbolism but also for the masterful storytelling. I got to a point at the end where I was trying to decide which ending they were going for (whether Grace would live or die) but the truth was actually a third outcome I totally didn’t see coming. I write fiction myself and so it’s really hard to take me by surprise, but this episode did it. 

First and foremost, this episode is really great evidence that Leah is a hallucination and/or dream. I know I’ve posted about how we think the bright and somewhat fuzzy colors show that. But let me illustrate. Here’s is a pic from 10x17 of Daryl and Maggie in the woods. Just take note of the greens and browns. This is the filter they generally use in TWD and it’s not hugely saturated with color. That’s on purpose because it’s a post-apocalyptic world and they want it to feel bleak.

Compare that pic to the one below it from Find Me. See the difference?

Well, same thing in this episode about Grace. Here, they tell us flat out and pretty early that it’s not real. So they aren’t trying to trick us like they did in 10x18. So, this is evidence (if not proof in my book) because if the colors look like this and it’s a dream/hallucination for Grace, then it must be for Daryl, too, right?

Okay, but let’s get to specifics. First off, Roy Orbison. We’ve seen/heard references to him SO often, and usually in conjunction with Beth symbolism. Pretty much this entire episode centers around his song, In Dreams.

Not only is there the saturation of the colors, but there is tons of PINK. (Pink Theory).

So Grace wakes up in the middle of the woods, and already, things feel ethereal.

I didn’t even realize it at first, but she’s lying on her back and sees birds flying in circles above her. Just like Beth and Daryl in Inmates. 

A walker attacks her, and both it’s arms end up breaking. We saw that very recently in the Aaron/Father Gabriel episode (10x19). We’re not entirely sure what it means yet, but forearms symbolism has been a thing, in different iterations, for a while. So, that’s one we’re working on understanding.

She meets a young woman named Athena (who we’ve looked into before for various reasons; for one thing, the owl a symbol of Athena, and that’s definitely been a TD symbol in the past).

Athena asks her if she can remember her name, and Grace can’t. This is reminiscent of Dawn asking Beth at Grady if she can remember her name.

When Grace stands up, she pulls her sweater up over her shoulder. Even though this isn’t a romantic situation, it reminded me SO much of when Beth did it in 4x01 after hugging Daryl. And given the bright yellowness of the sweater? Yeah, she’s definitely a Beth proxy. 

In the opening credits, we see Grace, but just for a moment, there’s an overlay of Athena over top of her. We see her walking stick clearly, but then she disappears. I noticed that when I first watched it, and rewound, trying to understand what it was, but of course I didn’t until I watched the episode.

Speaking of Athena’s stick, @wdway did some research because she thought it looked similar to sticks the blind use to guide them. Check this out. 

So, clearly Athena isn’t using it that way, but the theme of being blind is there. I’ll talk more about this later, but we see several walkers get stabbed through one eye, which both suggests blindness and is part of the Sirius/one eye symbolism. The “blind” walking stick is just another way to show this same theme.

Athena takes her back to Morgan’s community, and we quickly learn that it’s been 16 years since the last episode, and Athena is actually Grace’s unborn child. So clearly, this is a dream or vision of some kind.

She had to convince Morgan of who she is, which she eventually does.

So, here’s the thing. I, for one, am very focused on what foreshadows Beth, right? And there is TONS of dialogue in this episode that could potentially be applied to her.

For example, in this scene, Morgan says, “You can’t be here.” Grace: “Why?” And then it just shows her grave stone. Morgan says, “I buried you myself.”

Now, we don’t think Daryl actually buried Beth, but he tried at a white church. (X). However, the idea of Daryl saying something like this, (You can’t be here. You’re dead.) works very well.

Later in the same scene, Grace says, “people don’t get what they wish for.” To which Morgan replies, “Sometimes things happen that you just can’t explain.” It reminded me of something Dwight said back in S4/S5 when he was still looking for Sherry. He says, “impossible shit happens.” He was referring to him finding Sherry again, which he did. This was referring to Morgan seeing Grace again after he thought she’d died. Which he also did (even if it was just in her dream). Although, it definitely gave the impression that maybe she did die for a few minutes in the barn before he resuscitated her. So, you could argue that that aspect of her dream came true.

I had to chuckle when June showed up to check her out. She literally checks her eyes and says she sees no sign of brain injury. Um, yeah. Brain injury CAN show up in the eyes, but just because it doesn’t, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one. Clearly, they didn’t want to use screen time to show June do an entire, thorough check of Grace, but there was a little bit of medical unreality here. Of course, you could argue that this is Grace’s dream and she’s not a doctor, so she wouldn’t have known better.

But more to the point, they mention a concussion (which Edwards said Beth had), traumatic brain injury (which Beth sustained in Coda) and then combine it with Grace not remembering her name at the beginning, and the unrealities of Carol’s recovery at Grady in S5, and I’d say this is a very on-the-nose replay of Grady. 

We see a really sweet future where Strand and Daniel are friends and Sherry and Dwight are not only back together, but have two kids. A baby girl named Tina (Sherry’s sister who died in TWD S6 and, might I add, was a Beth proxy) and a little boy named John after John Dorie. Very sweet.

But I was thinking while watching it that chances are, none of that will actually happen. And I was thinking about it from an outside-the-story aspect. They’re already talking about people from Fear crossing back over to main TWD. And I don’t necessarily think we’ll see it in S11, but probably in the spinoff. So, I feel like this community Morgan is building will go down at some point.

And that doesn’t mean Dwight and Sherry won’t get back together. I actually think they will. I’m just saying it won’t happen exactly as Grace saw it in her dream. Compare it to Carl’s dream of the future during S8, before he died. Certain aspects of that have or will come true, but he won’t live to see it. So not all of it will. See what I mean?

And then the showrunner kind of confirmed this during the “inside the episode.” He said what Grace saw was just a dream and none of it was actually going to come to pass. ☹

Grace then asks Morgan how he managed to build the community and bring everyone together. He answers that it was Athena. Because they lost Grace, everyone rallied around her child and that’s what kept everyone together.

I actually think we saw this theme somewhat in 5b. After they lost Beth (and Tyreese) everyone sort of rallied around Judith, who was still a baby. I had an idea while watching the beginning of the episode that Grace = Beth and Athena = Judith. Now, Athena doesn’t survive, so I’m not sure how far I can push that. But it’s still interesting to think about.

This walker is an interesting one. We could really go down a rabbit hole iwth it. First off, there’s the shirt that says, “don’t mess with Texas.” As I’ve been talking about Eugene lately, I’m sure you’ll recognize the Texas/New Mexico/western theme.

The missing eye is sirius symbolism. But the glasses make me think of two specific walkers we saw in the past. The woman in the food bank that father Gabriel had a relationship with, 

and also this one that Glenn and Nicholas saw. You know, right before Glenn’s death fake out. 

I won’t go into what they both mean in detail. I’m sure it’s enough to say that both walkers, in both situations, are Beth proxies of one sort or another. 

And I’m sure we should be reading into the fact that it comes on a loop. They see/kill it over and over again as Grace becomes “awake” in her dream.

Of course, Athena has a Walkman and listens to music all the time. I’m sure I don’t have to explain that one. But what really caught my ear was the part where Morgan turned it off in the real world and in the dream, Athena said, “You broke it.” Very similar to the music box being broken in 5x10.

And then Grace says she didn’t break it. Morgan just turned it off. I’m seeing that as a hint that Beth was never dead. Just sleeping. When she finally starts connecting all the dots, Grace has lots of interesting lines that could apply to Beth, or could also apply to the Daryl/Leah situation.

“I’m unconscious.” (Beth)

“It’s just fragments of different memories. Things I’ve thought about. My brain is trying to make sense of it all.” (Daryl/Leah).

At one point, Grace tells Athena she is strong (Beth’s “I am strong,”) and that she’ll bring everyone together. Bring everyone hope.

Seriously, EVERY line of dialogue in this episode jumped out at me in some way.

Let me back up a minute. When we see the car with the “end is the beginning” graffiti on it, the trunk is open, which is significant.

Grace also talks about how she was on the highway with Morgan, and they saw this car, and there was an explosion.

Now, we’ve never talked much about anything like this with Beth because we don’t have tons of evidence for it. But I do remember that spoilers (the same ones that reported seeing her at the white cabin during S5 filming) mentioned a car chase near Terminus, and we never saw that, either. So, I think it’s possible something like this might happen during the missing 17 days. Just speculation on my part, though.

Also a major “wake up” theme here. I mentioned this about a week ago HERE when I did a bunch of mini rewatches. The symbolism of what’s real vs what’s a dream has actually been very prevalent throughout the entire series. I just don’t think TD homed in on it until the Leah episode just recently.

We heard it clear back in ep 1 with Rick. We saw it with Denise just before she died. And we saw Beth’s eyes flutter open at Grady when she “woke up,” so it’s safe to say this can be applied to Beth.

Morgan says repeatedly to Grace that she needs to wake up. Once she realizes she’s unconscious, she repeats it many times as well. “I need to wake up.”

In terms of how this might speak to Leah being a hallucination for Daryl, consider this. Grace is inside her hallucination, and she says things like this:

“I’m unconscious.” “This isn’t real.” “It’s in my head. Fragments of different memories…” Yeah, that’s what we’ve been saying about 10x18 for weeks.

Grace’s hallucination represents the future she hopes will come to pass, but what she actually sees is an amalgamation of people she knows and memories she has. Her brain just fills in the blanks.

By the same token, Leah represents something Daryl wants (not to be alone anymore) but she’s an amalgamation of past experiences and people he knows in real life. (Rick, Carol, and especially Beth.)

Then we have the white horse symbol. This is something we’ve known for a long time. It’s the black/white theme, but we saw a white horse and a “you’re still alive” sign near Morgan in 6x16. Rick also rode a white horse in 9x05, just before he didn’t actually die. So the white horse represents someone living.

Interestingly, the first time she sees the white horse, it’s a picture hanging in the air, apparently from nothing. But it reminds me a lot of the plate glass windows we see hanging from the trees during S8/AOW. 

Grace and Athena rode one to the barn where Grace lived and sort of reunited with Morgan. And yes, it’s a little bit sneaky, because both Athena and Grace were on the horse, and Athena didn’t make it. It was hard to tell which one it would apply to. But that’s exactly how the writers keep us guessing. It’s why we don’t usually know things for sure until we can see them in hind sight.

But in this case, we could have guessed Grace would live because of that horse. More on that in minute.

When Riley shows up in the hallucination, Grace kills him and realizes Athena represents her real baby and can feel the contractions too. She has an interesting line. “I was wrong. You are real. It’s the only thing that makes sense. We’re connected.”

This is the kind of line that jumps out at me as a foreshadow of Beth. For years, we’ve wondered if Daryl will see Beth and think he’s hallucinating. In the wake of the Leah episode, I suspect this more than ever. Especially if at some point, he realizes Leah isn’t real, when he sees Beth, he won’t trust his own eyes and his own mind. So this line could apply to some future storyline.

Of course Grace says things like, “I need to wake up so you can be born.” “I need to wake up so you’re all right.” I was writing so fast, my hand was cramping, lol.

While riding the white horse, they cross a small bridge, which is clearly symbolic. But I also noticed that Grace passed the truck we saw her driving around last season. In the cab is a walker in a radiation suit and a radiation detector (I’m sure there’s a more official name for that, lol).

It gave me a new perspective on the cars. While I’m sure they represent many things, they represent things that have happened in the characters’ pasts. And that works well for everything we’ve always said, because it means when Daryl sees a blond walker in a car, it’s all about his past. And Beth.

There’s a moment when Grace actually seems to die. She stops breathing and appears to be dead, even in the dream.

Couple of things here. 1) I’ve said for years that Beth may have truly, medically died for a short time period. As in, her heart stopped before restarting. That would be a sneaky way to fulfill all the “death” symbolism around her but have her still live/resurrect. This may be evidence of that. 2) Did you see everything run backward? It’s at this part when Grace stops breathing, we see everything run in backward motion for about 30 seconds. Almost as though they need to rewind or reset to get the story back on the right track.

The key. I guess we should talk about the key. Very interesting stuff. As per this episode, the key represents the cost of peace. And they talked about it being the future.

Remember back in S8, there was an episode called “The Key to the Future.” So this is a repeated theme. But we’ve seen keys around Beth for a long time, especially at Grady. It kept showing keys being used to open doors in order to get Rick and Daryl in to do the prisoner exchange.

So, here’s what I’m thinking for this. I think the cost of peace was Beth being shot. We’ve thought for a long time that Beth will save TF in some way. Probably during the CRM war or maybe in some way that has nothing to do with war (i.e. famine or lack of water).

We don’t know how that will play out, yet. But if key = cost of peace, then seeing keys at Grady probably shows that the cost of saving TF down the road is Beth getting shot. It went the way it had to. The way it was always going to. So she could save them.

@frangipanilove likes to say that Fear functions as our key (like the kind you find on a map) to understanding TD symbolism. And this is a good example. They told us what the key symbol stands for and it makes other things we’ve seen and theorized make sense.

In a more literal, plot-related sense, Riley also said, “That key is going to change everything.”

And, I don’t actually think it’s a good thing that they gave it away. I think Grace’s logic in the moment was absolutely sound. The baby was going to be the Savior. And the baby’s strength would supplant whatever advantage that key gave whoever has it.

But the baby, tragically, died. So…they probably need to get that key back.

Also interesting to note that back in S8, the book “A Key to a Future” was about building windmills and water aqueducts. Major water symbols, and once again, water = Beth. 

Speaking of the baby as savior, that’s definitely a theme, as I described above. The people rallied around her in Grace’s dream and she kind of saved everyone just by living.

@wdway pointed out that Grace giving birth in a barn on top of hay gives it a manger feel, which is probably what they were going for.

So, Athena, in the dream, is also something of a proxy for Beth.

When they enter the barn, we see something super interesting. There’s a walker point up at a cage with a dove in it. The walker doesn’t even try to get them when they enter, but that’s because it’s Grace’s dream. But this is SUCH a potent TD symbol. A bird in a cage = imprisonment. And there was an empty bird cage in Beth’s cell in 4x01, as well as near Connie just before she disappeared. 

We also think it was probably a dove (you can hear it cooing). So with the manger motif as she gives birth, from a biblical symbolism standpoint, a dove makes sense. The dove generally represents the Holy Spirit branchy of the Trinity. 

Just a super interesting symbol and, to me, it shows that this is all tied up in Beth symbolism, and that the person they’re foreshadowing here is the person who’s been imprisoned for a long time. The person who had the bird cage in her cell. 

I also think we need to appreciate that Grace had a dream that made her believe one thing was true (that she would die and the baby would live). But in reality, the opposite was true. We’ve come up with considerable evidence that Beth lived. But Daryl believes that she died. And the exact opposite will end up being true. They also tried really hard to convince us in this episode that Grace would die. We saw her accepting it and acting accordingly. Similarly, they’ve tried really hard to convince us that Beth really died. We’ve seen all the characters accept it and act accordingly. 

So, I said above that we saw several walkers get it in the eye, right? One of the sequences I noticed the second or third time through that I watched it, was when, in the dream, Walker Riley has Athena pinned against the wall. He was the first one to say, “I know you thought this would be different, but that was just a dream.” 

So, what I noticed is that he said this, at the exact same time that Grace stopped breathing or “died” and then suddenly revived. And directly after Riley said this, he got a stake through the eye when Morgan showed up. 

So we have this “dream” symbolism, Grace dying and then resurrecting and the eye/Sirius symbolism all within a few seconds of each other. It’s a very compelling and powerful scene. Maybe my favorite of the episode. I’ve watched it like a thousand times, lol. 

And of course there’s that heartbreaking, repeated line, “I [know you] thought this would end differently. But that was just a dream.” First, walker-Riley (super cool walker effect, btw) said it to Athena in the Grace’s dream. Then she said it while holding her deceased baby.

More lines that jumped out at me near the end, and could possibly apply to Beth and Daryl:

“You found us.” (Athena says this to Morgan when he shows up to kill Riley in the dream.)

“He’s here for me.” Grace says this when Morgan shows up and takes her hand.

Grace: “I don’t want to say goodbye, but I have to.” Beth hating goodbyes and not wanting to say them.

When Morgan is trying to revive Grace, he says, “Stay with me. Come back.” (Geez, if Daryl says anything like this during those missing 17 days, it’s gonna be freaking heartbreaking.)

When she wakes up, he says, “Good morning. You’re awake. You’re awake.” So there’s that awake/wake up theme again. But the “good morning” is interesting, too. It may be morning time as this scene is playing out, but we didn’t actually see them go from night to morning. 

We’ve said for years that the sunrise represents Beth and a new beginning, so that “good morning” line is highly symbolic of a new era in which Beth lives.

He also says, “I thought I lost you.” *coughs Daryl*

Grace replies, “I had to come back so Athena could be born.” And again, I really don’t think Beth will be pregnant when she shows up, but baby Athena represents the way in which she’ll save TF. Because Athena was supposed to be the Savior here.

“We don’t have much time,” is repeated two or three times. So that’s a time mention, but also probably foreshadows a future storyline where they’re up against a countdown clock in some way. 

“I had to come back.” Tell me you aren’t thinking of Beth when listening to that line. 

“The key is not the future. She is.” Okay, my fellow theorists and I have discussed that the child who will save the future may well be Judith. In that sense, Judith may be Athena, but that still leaves Grace = Beth. And hearing this line, I just can’t help but replace “she” with Beth. 

When Morgan asks Riley what the key opens, Riley says, “it doesn’t matter.” Also a Beth theme from Grady. 

And finally, after Riley takes it, he says, “Good luck.” Luck Theory. 

Phew. Quite a few of those, right? 

Side note: one of the reasons I really didn’t know if Grace would live or die, as I mentioned above, is that they were really trying to convince us she would, but a lot of what was said could be seen as dialogue foreshadow. 

That could be a problem for some of our theories. But here’s the thing. Going back through it again, the writers were super-sneaky. Most of it could be quantified differently than it came across. For example, Grace says to Morgan, “I don’t THINK I’m going to survive this.” Not that she absolutely won’t. See what they did there? I’m just pointing out.

Finally, I want to mention a few more things the show runner said in his interview at the end. 

First, in talking about Athena, he said they wanted to make her a very strong, together girl, so it was obvious she came from Grace and was trained and raised by Morgan. It just reminded me a lot of what they said about Beth after Still. The whole, “raised by Hershel, trained by Daryl, meet the new Beth Greene.” Athena gave off that vibe for sure, but the showrunner used almost the exact same words to describe her. Definitely side-eyeing that. 

He also talked about how they purposely crafted the “dream” so that it wasn’t only a dream that Grace was a passive participant in. Parts of it had to be real and have real world implications so she was driven by a ticking time bomb. For her, in this episode, it was because her baby was coming and she needed to wake up to give birth.

I just mention it because I can’t help but wonder what implications this will have for the Daryl/Leah situation. 

I think that’s what I have for this episode. But man, what a crazy, tragic, epic, awesome episode! Loved it. (And hey, they owed us a big one after killing off John a few weeks ago. ;D)

[spurgie-cousin]

Weird History Wednesday 💀

Howdy and welcome to my first Weird History Wednesday, a weekly post I’ll be doing where I pick a time/place/person/whatever I want from American history and try to ruin it for you forever.

For the first one I figured why not start right at the beginning and learn some stuff about America’s first president, George Washington. American elementary schools teach us that he was this obscure guy with wooden dentures who also chopped down a cherry tree for some reason, all of which are acrually not true. Find some (more likely to be true) GW facts under the cut:

1. This one some people probably already know, but the myth that George W’s dentures were made out of wood is false. What a lot of people maybe don’t know is that they were actually made from a mixture of ivory, cow and horse teeth, and human teeth (see below for more info on that one). The most accepted theory on how the wooden teeth myth got started is that the ivory in parts of his dentures was easy to stain with red wine, which he was a big fan of (stained ivory apparently can have a wood grain appearance). Also when you think about it what idiot would try to make fake teeth out of wood, which gets broken down by moisture over time? At least use like, rocks or something.

2. Poor George had shitty teeth for basically all of his adult life, and he got his first pulled out at around 24 due to the pain it was causing him. At the time, he was told his rotting and cracked teeth were due to his Brazil nuts habit, but most historians think it was actually due to the insane amount of mercury oxide he ingested as a kid. Mercury oxide was a common cure for a lot of illnesses at the time and young George was sick quite a bit. Despite getting the best dental care the 18th century could provide, his dentures were crude and awkward and made him very self conscious about the way they made the skin above/below his lips protrude (which you can see in a few of his official portraits).

3. George was a HUGE animal lover, and bred everything from donkeys to birds, but dogs were his all-time favorite. He favored larger dog breeds and had tons of them at any given time, like literal packs of dogs running around his property. He also liked to give them goofy names like ‘Sweet Lips’ or ‘Madame Moose’ (my personal favorites).

4. The guy cheated death at least 10 times in his life. He survived malaria, tuberculosis, dysentery, smallpox, diphtheria, a near drowning, and a massacre among other things, all which would have normally been death sentences at the time (especially ‘massacre’ like, the clue’s in the name). Despite his constant battle with his teeth, he was known for being incredibly sturdy health-wise and near impossible to kill.

5. Even at the time of his wedding, George Washington was crazy in love with the wife of his good friend, George Fairfax (there were only 3 male names in use at the time apparently) who he’d met when they were both teenagers. George W was a guy from essentially the middle to lower middle class, and Sally Fairfax, who was upper class, took it upon herself to teach him some the social mores of the rich. She eventually married a man of her same status, and Washington married a woman named Martha Custis, though he continued to write to Sally and declare his love through letters.

Weird and sort of related 18th century facts:

1. The human teeth in GW’s dentures weren’t from cadavers, but living people who sold their teeth for money. It was very common around the 18th century for poor people to literally yank their teeth out of their heads and sell them to people who made dentures or tooth replacements because they could get decent cash for them. Think of that one scene in Les Miserables with Anne Hathaway, that’s the general jist.

2. The average American colonist earned an annual income of ~$15, which was the highest in the westernized world. Also the tax rate that contributed to the American Revolution was less than ~2% for most Americans (3% if you earned over $800).

3. Alexander Hamiltion executed the first American bailout for financial markets in 1791, infusing them with what today would amount to ~$50+ billion (maybe you know that though, did they cover that in Hamiltion? I still haven’t seen it).

Anyway this has been my first attempt at Weird History Wednesday, let me know if you have any topics you want to cover or any suggestions or even if you hated it (although I will probably be very grumpy toward you because I worked on this shit for like 2 days) thanks!!

[what-the--curtains]

Braving the Elements

Chapter 8: Tonys Party

Tw: Alcohol consumption, swearing , bad writing???

Authors note: we about to get a lil soft and a lil angsty babyyyy

(The balcony)

(The next morning in the kitchen)

Honestly both songs r like how I envision they’re relationship ANYWAYS HERE WE GOOO

“So, just how fancy are these parties?” you ask Nat and Wanda who are currently lying on your bed.

“Think Jay Gatsby meets James Bond.” Nat responds

“Shit, don’t think I have anything that nice.” you say skimming through your clothes which had finally found their way onto hangers. You had a lot of nice pieces, but nothing suitable enough for a black tie event. You had left most of your more exquisite garments back at your old apartment.

“No worries we have plenty, you can borrow something from us.” Wanda says closing her phone, before declaring that you should all get ready so you won’t be late. Nat and Wanda leave, then re-enter, your room carrying various dresses.

The dress you end up choosing is a midnight blue satin number. The top has a deep v on either side, exposing your back and a good portion of your cleavage. The top is tight to your body and gathers at your natural waistline before flaring out into a structured A-line skirt. You twist your hair up and pin it, pulling a few curls down to frame your face. Nat’s settled on an off the shoulder black, skin tight dress with a slit going all the way up her thigh. Her red hair clipped to one side giving it a wind-swept look. Wanda emerges in a long sleeve, scoop necked, mermaid style, maroon dress, opting to keep her hair loose for the evening. Pulling on your heels, Wanda shuffles you both out the door in the name of getting to the venue on time.

You wind up talking to Clint for a while and after ensuring he knows that you were not joking when you had asked him to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow, you decide to go talk to Nat who's just been left by Wanda whose now at the bar talking to Vision and the rest of the boys.

“Well they all clean up nice” you say to Nat and she turns her head to face you.

“You know,” Nat says “ I think Wanda may like Vision.”

“Right!” you exclaim a touch too loud, realizing that you were slightly tipsy already. “We should set that up.” You stress to Nat who whole heartedly agrees. As the two of you make your way to the bar you can’t help but notice the small group of beautiful women who had gathered around Bucky. You couldn’t blame them, he’d slicked his hair back exposing his perfect jawline and the navy blue suit he was wearing brought out those eyes you liked so much.

You reach the bar and say “Someone’s popular tonight” nodding your head in Bucky’s direction

“Oh he always is, it’s the eyes,” says Steve

“and the hair” Sam chimes in

“20$ says it’s the arm, I know a few girls with a metal kink” you joke, causing Sam and Nat to burst out laughing and Steve to turn a lovely shade of red. The four of you talk for a while politely making conversation with anyone who came up for a chat.

“Jesus how stuffy can this party get.” you say while fanning yourself. Half falling off your chair you slur out an “ I gotta pee.” to the rest of the group before heading off to the bathroom. Exiting the restroom you manage to catch the tail end of a conversation between two smug, older, looking business men.

“I can’t believe Tony Stark is slumming it with mutants nowadays, what would his father think? I thought the commie soldier was bad, but this? Bringing in freaks of nature it’s too much who knows what they're capable of.” one of them says “Very well put, wouldn’t mind fucking her though she’s got a great ass.” the other one says looking right at you, almost as if he wanted to make sure you had heard him.

You bunch up the skirt of your dress in your hands and swiftly make a beeline to the nearest balcony. You can feel your chest tighten and your eyes start to well up. Stop it, you will yourself. Stop it right now. Don’t let them see you cry. You swing open the balcony's doors and finding no one there you exhale, resting your elbows down onto the banister, and dabbing away the few tears that had gathered in your eyes. Staring out into the lights of the city you focus on your breathing tuning out to the clatter of the party behind you.

You weren’t the only one to hear the man’s cruel words. Bucky had been standing nearby and overheard it as well. After seeing you practically run outside, he pulls himself away from the girl he’s been with all night promising to be right back, suddenly finding that the only thing he could think about was you.

A familiar voice breaks your silence and the noise from the party seeps back into your auditory field. “Hey, I said are you okay” the voice asks again.

Wiping away a tear and composing yourself before turning to face Bucky you smile brightly

“Never better, besides I’ve heard worse. I mean they said they’d fuck me, god what a compliment!” you scoff leaning back onto the railing. He rests his forearms on the banister and looks at you. “Well they did get one thing right”

“Ya, you're right, my ass is pretty great.” you say absentmindedly, causing him to laugh.

“No well , I mean yes, but bringing me in was definitely a bad move.”

“Oh, well that was a given” you quip back pushing yourself off the banister and straightening your dress.

Between the dress you had on and the way the loose strands of your hair were blowing gently in the fall breeze Bucky couldn’t help himself. Moving off of the banister he places his non-metal thumb under your chin drawing your gaze to him. He wants to kiss you right there, but not wanting to look like a fool, he waits for you to make the next move.

You meet his gaze and for a second you think you can see his eyes dart down to your lips. Figuring that the multiple glasses of champagne had got you imagining things, you turn your head away.

“You should get back in there I bet the girls are missing you.” you say, giving his bicep a gentle squeeze before walking back into the party. God if there was ever gonna be a moment it was then and you just blew it. You compartmentalize your mistake by ensuring yourself that your mind was simply playing tricks on you. He had tons of lovely women wanting to leave with him, why would he want to waste his time with you.

“Stupid” Bucky mutters to himself watching you leave. He was stupid to think you’d want to be with him. He just thought after that night in the kitchen that you felt something for him. He knew he felt something for you. Feeling upset by the rejection he decides to keep his promise and return to the girl from the party.

You walk back to Nat and Wanda making up some kind of excuse for taking so long.

After a while It was just the three of you. Sam and Bucky had left earlier with a couple of the girls and Steve and Vision had offered to help Tony clean up a bit. You convince Wanda and Nat to stay a bit longer, not wanting to run into, or hear, Bucky and his date in the room next door.

“God we have to have an actual night out” says Nat “not enough booze here and not enough dancing!”

“You know I think I know the perfect place,” you slur , “next time we go out your gonna see the underground of New York”

“Alright drunky,” Wanda says” let’s get you home.”

10 A.M., the next morning

You wake up with a dry mouth, feeling like shit, and regretting drinking so much last night. You cover your face with your hands and drag them down realizing that you had passed up on an opportunity to have a night of fun with Bucky. Before you can get too caught up in your thoughts you feel spit gathering in your mouth and you know you have to get to the toilet ASAP rocky. You make it to the toilet just in time before spilling your guts into the porcelain toilet. You have just enough time to fashion the belt of your dressing gown into a makeshift hair tie before vomiting again.

“Death!” you shout dramatically causing a distraught Sam to run into your room

“Whose death? Where?” he shouts jumping from side to side

“MINE!” you yell “I think I just threw up the equivalent of a human being.” You groan while crawling out of the bathroom in an oversized t-shirt, open nightgown and recently repurposed belt wrapped in your hair. The ridiculousness of your outfit causes Sam to erupt in laughter.

“Don’t move! I GOTTA get a picture of this” he exclaims with glee before running out of your room

“Samuel, don’t you dare!” You shriek chasing out after him passing by Bucky and the gorgeous brunette from the night before, and running into the kitchen.

“ Oh my god.” says Wanda stifling a laugh.

“Hey I think I look pretty good for a dead bitch!” you exclaim before striking a pose causing them both to laugh as Sam snaps a pic

After politely escorting the woman to the door, Bucky turns around just in time to see you running after Sam.

Following you into the kitchen he laughs at the line. He was amazed how different you were from the girl who had jumped through a moving cars window a few days earlier. You seemed lighter, happier. He knew he wanted to spend more time with you but didn’t want to ask you outright, especially after you had rejected him last night.

“Send me a copy of that will ya bird boy?” he says pouring out a cup of coffee

“So lover boy how was she?” Sam asks

“I don’t kiss and tell” he responds

“So that what the kids are calling sex nowadays” Wanda says with a smirk “huh who knew!”

You laugh along with the others, but you can’t stop yourself from feeling upset at the thought of him with someone else, still not fully understanding why

[popwasabi]

Lockdown Lookback: Catching up on the past months’ Pop Culture

Aaaaannnd we’re back!

It’s amazing what a little pandemic can do to shake you out of your creative cobwebs but if we’re all going to die, I want to make sure all my pop cultural hot takes are up to date at least.

Many of us are already on lockdown and many major movies including “007,” “Black Widow” and ummm I guess “Mulan” are all getting pushed to the backburner as no one is leaving their God damn homes unless they’re told to!

(Didn’t realize the thing I wish I had more of in the apocalypse would be sweatpants...)

But there’s still plenty to talk about from the previous months and other hot topics I have been meaning to write about but just hadn’t found the time or energy for. Life has been hard I think for just about all of us these days thanks in no small part to this pandemic. For me personally, I’ve had two different vacations canceled because of the virus and currently working understaffed at my job which is considered essential. Not to mention my therapist is on call only at this time and both my martial arts schools have been suspended, so I can neither talk nor punch my feelings out of my system.

So, I might be just a LITTLE on edge at the moment.

(My internal monologue for most of these past few weeks, more broadly years...)

Anyways, I digress, you come here because you like to read my highly unprofessional takes on pop culture and genuinely to those who have cheered me on from the beginning thanks, you guys are my prime motivators. But anyways let’s talk about all the shit I was supposed to write about these last two and a half months.

 “Birds of Prey” was a hot, but needed, mess

Earlier last month I got to see the sort of sequel to the much-maligned “Suicide Squad” in “Birds of Prey and the…waaaay too long of a title for me write here.” I had cautious optimism for it because it looked strange and off the beaten path of most comic book movies and seemed to promise at the very least a fun time at the theater but it’s still also a DCEU movie so the floor was pretty low on its possible quality as well.

In the end, the movie is kind of bit of everything; the best and worst parts of the DCEU. 

In terms of the good, it’s definitely outside the box, a sort of fem Deadpool first person story as told frenetically by Harley herself. Margot Robbie is, of course, still quite great at this role and you can tell she’s having a blast as this character. The humor is mostly good and visually the bright colors and cinematography pops on each screen and on that front there isn’t much to complain about.

But as a DCEU movie it does suffer from some narrative imbalance partially due to it’s psycho storyteller but mostly, and more than likely, due to corporate editing that probably axed an entire dance number that I was honestly looking forward to from the trailers.

(Seriously, I actually wanted to see the full unedited version of whatever hell this ended up being.)

It’s definitely in the “could’ve been better” camp of comic book movies but you know what? I’m still glad it exists. You know why? Because comic book movies dominate our blockbuster culture right now and if the genre wants to survive, at least artistically, it needs some outside the box films like this. I HATED “Joker” but I appreciate that it opened the door for stranger, more unique takes on a genre that is getting increasingly more stale. This movie falls into that unique category too.

(Also, to all the faux-intellectuals and alt-right nerds making a culture war out of “Sonic” vs “Birds of Prey” *kindly* reevaluate your lives please...)

We’re at the point now where comic book movies should be getting weirder, not more formulaic, and that means swinging for the fences even if a couple don’t quite make it out of the ballpark. If it takes a few not so stellar takes on the genre for Hollywood to greenlight a truly fantastic one I’m all for it.

In any case “Birds of Prey” doesn’t quite end nor continue the DCEU’s recent hot streak but it is enjoyable enough to where I would be more than open to a sequel. It’s worth a watch.

 The Mandalorian and The Witcher: Two shows about violent mercenaries and fatherhood

Both these shows are old news at this point, but I did want to talk a little about both for a bit if you would have me.

First, “The Mandalorian” which was Disney+’s flagship production to begin its streaming chapter late last year is definitely a more than welcome addition to the galaxy far, far away. It’s pretty easy to feel fairly jaded about Star Wars these days given how flat the new trilogy ended but for what it’s worth “The Mandalorian” was a good mix of nostalgia bait and something new and interesting for fans to chew on. Its production value is obviously top-notch, no doubt because of all the Disney money pumped into it, it’s well-acted and thrilling and fun from start to finish. It plays heavily on the genres that influenced the series, primarily westerns and old samurai flicks, and fans of those will certainly enjoy the homages to them all.

The series was something of a coming out party for Deborah Chow who directed two of the season 1’s best episodes. Her steady hand, eye for details and tributes to Asian cinema throughout really gave the series an extra kick at times and showed how Star Wars can evolve still. Chow is set to helm the upcoming “Kenobi” series and one can only hope that she *really* leans into the samurai genre for that show.

(Hopefully, there are some “Yojimbo” vibes in there somewhere...)

The Mandalorian’s best and worst parts though are its semi episodic nature making each episode easy to digest as a one-off but also lacking some narrative tension between each. It plays kind of like a Saturday Morning cartoon to both its benefit and detriment with bite-size easy to digest plots and dialogue for the viewers but not offering a ton of depth beyond that.

The Mandalorian himself is also kind of a Gary Stu. His armor is basically impenetrable and far and away the best killer onscreen typically, making more than a few action scenes lack real stakes and tension. Baby Yoda certainly helps at times to make him more vulnerable and puts him in precarious positions plenty of times but outside a few moments (mainly episode 2 and to a lesser extend the final episode) he’s just a little too overpowered to be a more interesting character.

But this show and frankly the Star Wars series as a whole is meant for kids, no matter what the neckbeards try to tell you (violence =/= adult), and that’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Plenty of kids productions can be both great and even sophisticated and while I wouldn’t say “The Mandalorian” is either of those it’s a good and fun kids show for the fans.

(And yes I’m aware that the books, some comics, and games have touched on more adult stuff, you weirdos. But how would you describe the overall tone and presumptive audience of the movies and TV series as a whole, guys??)

As far as “The Witcher” goes it also has a bit of an episodic style to it as well with an overarching, albeit, convoluted story that runs parallel to it. The first 3-4ish episodes can be classified as a quasi “Game of Thrones” clone leaning perhaps a little too heavily into the tropes of that series. Once the series finally starts leaning into its real identity, a dry-witted hack and slash fantasy, the series is much more consistent both tonally and narratively.

Henry Cavil is solid as Geralt of Rivia and the supporting cast of Joey Batey as Jaskier, Freya Allen as Ciri and even more so Anya Chalotra as Yennefer are all great in their respective roles delivering some great moments throughout the season.

(And lest you forget this earworm...)

“The Witcher’s” early season struggles keep it from being as tonally or narratively consistent as “The Mandalorian” but where the monster slayer beats the bounty hunter is that it has overall more compelling drama and has more to say, leaning much more heavily into the thematic greys of the plot. There are tons of problems with “The Witcher” on a story-telling level but you can definitely say it cares more about adding some depth in between the more pulpy aspects of the story which is something you can’t say as much for in “The Mandalorian.”

Of course, I’m partially overselling “The Witcher” a bit here, it’s not anywhere near “Game of Thrones” best (yet at least), and on the flipside one could argue that “The Mandalorian’s” more subtle sense of story-telling does its themes better. But when it comes down to these two shows you get somewhat similar story-telling ideas, mostly involving both characters and their smaller counterparts, in two very different genres with equally diverging conclusions to their respective seasons. 

(🎵 Toss an “Oof” to your Witcher...🎵)

All in all, they’re both good and worth a watch and I think they deserve a chance to evolve and hopefully showcase more of what they have to offer moving forward.

“Parasite” wins Best Picture! Many people have some hot takes, including the president...

Last month one of my favorite films of 2019 “Parasite” won Best Picture at the Oscars. It’s a movie that is becoming increasingly relevant as elites and celebrities alike are getting front of the line testing despite being asymptomatic in the middle of pandemic and think they can assuage our concerns and dread by poorly singing “Imagine” together within the comfort of their McMansions.

It’s about as a good time as any to revisit this movie, I mean where else are you going to go during this timeline, and at a later date I’ll write something more extensive about it eventually (hopefully) but first here’s a helpful video on one particular thing that came out after director Bong Joon Ho took home the night’s top honors:

 “Cats” is still a fever dream of madness

Back in late December, I watched “Cats” for science, as I had AMC A-List and a friend crazy enough to join me. I figured it would be bonkers and unlike anything I had seen before in the worst way but even then, I don’t think I was truly prepared for what I ended up seeing that fateful night.

I remember quite vividly going to the bar inside the theater and ordering a stiff drink beforehand to numb the pain and the bartender asking “So what are y’all watching tonight?” and beginning to laugh manically like an insane asylum patient at the innocuousness of the question. Walking into the theater was like that feeling you get before getting on a particularly scary-looking rollercoaster at Six Flags but instead of the pre-ride jitters eventually subsiding to the eventual fun and joy of the ride, only a deep sense of existential dread built up and sustained itself through what felt like six hours of the most baffling thing put to screen in front of my eyes ever.

(The music that played in my head as I exited the theater...)

Have any of you watched the Stanley Kubrick movie “Eyes Wide Shut” before? You know the scene when Tom Cruise is walking around in his mask observing the strange occult sex orgy going on around him at the mansion? That’s kind of what “Cats” felt like except way more terrifying, somehow MORE sexual, and definitely crazier.

(Is...this some type of...intepretative dance to summon an eldritch horror??)

There’s a voyeuristic terror that comes from sitting in that theater room as you watch bipedal humanoid looking felines dance to confusing songs about “Jelicle” cats (whatever the fuck that means) and all other manner of things that should NOT take human form throughout it’s near-endless runtime. A lot was made about Rebel Wilson and the disgusting roach people she consumes but NO ONE warned me about the frankly HORRIFYING mice children in the same scene!

(I am not perusing the internet to find that image again for y’all. I have enough nightmares each night...)

The saddest thing about the whole movie is everyone, save for Ian Mckellen who seemed to be acting as if a gun was pointing at him offscreen and Judi Dench who looked 100 percent like a geriatric in her digi fur, was giving the movie their fullest effort in what can only be described as a Titanic-sized level of hubris by all parties involved. This movie really needed a “Chaostician” involved in evaluating the production for studio heads and shareholders because there were definitely NOT enough people on this project wondering whether or not this film SHOULD exist...

(Dr. Ian Malcolm coming to Universal Pictures to access the film.)

What has “Cats” wrought upon this world? The universe has been clearly out of balance since this movie came out and while I’m not saying it’s director Tom Hooper’s fault, I’m not saying it isn’t either.

“Cats” is one of those things, much like The Matrix that cannot be simply described but must be seen to believe. It’s one of the worst things I have ever seen onscreen but with the right group of people and a few stiff drinks it’s certainly an experience you won’t forget. Consider it for your next Google Hangout during this apocalypse.

  Anyways, that about wraps up my thoughts on the last few months. Going to try to be more consistent going forward especially given how much more time I have now to write, for better and worse. But more importantly, just want to say stay safe y’all. It’s going to be a process to get through this and while things are more likely to get worse before they get better there will be a day when this all ends and some normalcy may yet return to our life but in order for us to get there we need to remain vigilant. 

So stay at home, wash your hands, and if you want to watch movies just order it online for now and we’ll just wait until aaaallll this blows over…hopefully.

Don’t panic...

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: Terror of the Terra-Firmians!  (Lena Retrospective) (Commission by WeirdKev27): Launchpad Looses his Last Brain Cell and I Loose My Patience

Welcome back Weblena Warriors to the second part of my look at everyone’s favorite Emo Teen Shadow Lesbian Duck... and probably the only one but hey, semantics, Shadow Into Light, which was made possible by viewers like you, the ultra humanite and a commission from WeirdKev27. Picking up where we left off, we have our first episode that has a different intended order than airing order. 

As most of you probably remember, but some of you who joined later might not be aware of the broadcast order for the first half of season one is, in the academic sense, pretty fucked. It’s not Darkwing Duck’s entirely fucked by a web of badger spiders and a queen snake on top to make it some sort of train situation, but by just sorta airing whatever episodes they wanted to, Disney messed with the character balance so Huey got less focus, not that he got a ton of focus this season but still, as well as leaning into the episodes focusing more on the kids with less involvement from the adults which gave the wrong impression about the series. While it IS very focused on the triplets and webby, the show isn’t entirely about them, but as Frank has mentioned a few times, Disney Channel apparently has this WEIRD thing where they assume kids won’t like stories starring the adult characters. 

Yeah I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while. Mostly how it’s so dumb I could swear Pauly Shore was an exec at Disney Channel. And he might be I don’t know what he’s doing these days and i’d like to keep it that way. For starters, the Scooge comics, while barely published in the US these days, are still popular globally and have appealed to kids and adults for generations and are mostly focused on him, with the kids in a supporting role and Ducktales, you know the thing your directly remaking here, was also mostly about him with the triplets supporting, if a bit less than the comics. Most of the Disney Afternoon was about adult characters, with any kids in side roles in the main cast. And it comes off entirely hypocritical of them to say this when the MCU is easily marvel’s biggest cash cow at the moment, and marvel properties have appealed to both kids and adults, like the duck comics, for decades. And if it’s because the marvel cartoons weren’t doing well , I’ll let you in on a little secret: Those didn’t do well because they looked bland and from what I’ve seen of them felt kind of bland, though I haven’t seen enough to fully judge. Kids LIKE adult characters as much as kid characters, and also like teen characters despite not being teens. Focusing on either is valid and while I LIKED Disney’s youth starring shows I also want another X-Men cartoon before I turn 50, and I bet kids would like that too, with the last one only failing because you bailed on it because you were throwing a hissy fit over fox having the movie rights, and do not get me started on that. Point is this argument is horse shit and should stay in the stables. 

So yeah I do think this episode came too soon and it’s placement effected it at the time and as such it dosen’t have the best rep with the fandom aside from the Lena bits and that includes me. The fact it was very early in the series and the characterizations hadn’t yet sunk in really hurt this episode in places but is it really that bad? Join me under the cut to find out

We open at the movies! Which scrooge apparently hasn’t been too since the 1930′s or seen any on video despite Della existing and being really stubborn. 

A rant for another episode. But the kids just got out of a Mole Monster movie, along with Lena, Beakly and Launchpad. Their reactions are as follows: Lena, Webby and Dewey really enjoyed it, Huey found it unrealistic... says the boy whose uncle fought a dragon made of gold a month or two back but we’ll get to that, and Louie was bored and felt it didn’t have enough of the ultra violence, kids these days it’s not about the gore it’s about the tension. And Beakly.. is just pissed Lena tricked them into seeing this and said it was educational. And the more I think about it the more this sounds like BEAKLYS fault than Lena’s. BEAKLY is the one who likely bought the tickets, who saw it was likely an r or pg-13 and who as we’ve seen HAS A PHONE, and ulnike scrooge probably isn’t so stingy she wouldn’t spring for a smart phone, so she could’ve just googled it, or whatever bird related pun is in this version.. gandered it.. yeah let’s go with that, gandered it, and SEEEN it wasn’t appropriate or walked htem out of the theater and ate the cost if she was that bothered by it. Sitting through a Horror Movie you didn’t research, didn’t pull the kids out of and dind’t bother to even check the poster for or use basic common sense is YOUR fault. And this could’ve worked fine, had Lena talk the kids into begging for it or had launchpad take them and have Beakly find out after, having driven to pick them up as she didn’t trust launchpad to take them home. Instead it makes the former super spy look REALLY stupid and feels really out of character for a SPY to not to do research. And it wasn’t like they decided on this later, Bentina being a spy was part of the character’s backstory from day one and its made clear as early as episode 2 in both airing orders. This is just lazy writing to justify the episode and I expect better from this crew. 

But an argument errupts between Huey and Webby over the Terra-Firmians, a hidden race of rock people living in Duckburg’s discontinued sewer system, allegedlys. So Lena suggest simply going down which gets a disapproving look from Beakly, despite you know this being their bread and butter, and the fact that if she had a problem with Scrooge not being involved.. she could just call him. Exploring fabled rock people is something he’d be into. I mean there’s a low profit margin but it also costs him almost nothing to walk to the theater or have launchpad swing around and pick him up. Just gas which given how much he pays for jet fuel isn’t a big ask. But Beakly soon gets distracted by Launchpad whose convinced the film is real and is attacking the poster a grim sign of things to come as while Beakly annoyed me in this one on rewatch, especially after realizing the above... Launchpad annoyed me both times and for VERY good reason we’ll get into. This provides a distraction and allows the trio to escape. Cue titles. 

After the title sequence, our heroes head deeper underground, there’s too much panic in this town... I mean props to Donald for trying something new but he really needs to rethink his cologne choices. Sex Panther is just.. not a good smell on.. anyone. 

So our heroes journey through the depths of the subway system, and we find out part of why Huey’s so skeptical, as he finds anything that isn’t in the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook to not exist, though the cracks in this already show as he’s added anything that does. We’ll get back to this later but as you can tell the basic dynamic for 24 minutes is Webby being a wholehearted True Believer and Huey being a Skeptical Sally. And Lena is just sorta “Eh gives me an excuse for shenanigans” about it. We also get a peak into webby’s mind as we see her notes .. which really just come off as Terra-Firmian fanfiction involving a war of succession between two sides, the terra’s and the firmies, something based on previous media, and also some doodles of a fictional candy called webby-dings and herself as a superhero, both things I want to see. 

But yeah the first third of the episode is pretty simple, just them journeying, the occasional shift in the firmament, and it’s not bad, and there are a few great bits: Huey nerds out about rocks, and finds them way more interesting than a possible rock monster.

Which leads to the best gag of the episode as when Huey tries to pick up a big sample Webby, annoyed at his hyperfixation on the JWG, asks him to ask his book for help.. which he does by reading it and actually manages to pick the large rock up. This is halted though when Lena screams.. though she really just did it to draw them to an abandoned subway car full of glomgold posters for glomgold products because of course a failed subway project has his name plastered over it. You can’t spell glomgold without failure.. the failure is silent. Glomgold is not. 

The fun is interuptted though by a livid Beakly who had realized they were missing in an earlier scene, after telling the Manager that McDuck Industries would pay for the poster.. and then found out Launchpad also destroyed the toilets “They come up thorugh the sewers!”. Launchpad that’s CHUDS, Ninja Turtles and Rats who raised Ninja Turtles like their own sons, mole people dig or use old mineshafts. It’s basic mole science. Also Beakly really shouldn’t sweat it, I just assumed the city has had a runnig bill witht he company for “McDuck Family and Employee Related Accidents, Mayhem and Shenanigans”. I mean he’s had Gyro on his payroll for at least a decade and a half by the series start, Gyro has leveled whole sections of city in an afternoon more than most giant monsters. Of which several have destroyed Duckburg. It got better. 

Point is she’s livid about them sneaking off with Lena pointing out their some sort of adventure family and Beakly.. saying she won’t see them again, or at least implying it hard. I’ll put a pin in this, as the train buckles and a bit of seismic, or rock men, activity means their stuck. So they divide into teams: Beakly will go try and unhook the train car from the busted cars so they can ride out, Launchpad will go try and fix it, and we get this lovely exxchange as a result

Launchpad: Cool never crashed a train before Beakly: Can’t you try driving it without crashing it? Launchpad: Wha? 

His face in that scene is priceless. He takes Dewey along. More on that in a second. Webby, Huey and Louie are told to stay put with Beakly only bringing Lena along because she dosen’t trust her. So since we have three split plots for a second... let’s split up gang, starting with the most aggrivating, middling with what you all came here for and why this is part of the retrsopective, and ending with the plot that directly heads into the final part of the episode. 

Launchpad and Dewey: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay starting with the most infamous plot and easily the worst part of this episode, probably the worst plot in any Ducktales 2017 episode. That’s not hyperbole it’s really that bad and really pissed people off, as fans of the original launchpad felt they made him overly stupid. This is where the airing order’s a problem as putting an episode with a subplot where one of your characters is obnoxiously dumb right up front means they assume this is his charcter and not just one poorly written chapter in a very dumb but very loveable characters life, likely because the writers hadn’t figured out how to properly scale his stupidity with comptience. 

So as a result we get a good 3-4 mintutes if not agonizingly more of Launchpad assuming something he saw in a fucking movie film was real. That.. that’s his actual plot. Need I remind you, he’s in his late 20′s early 30′s. He’s not much older than me. While other episodes have him as dim this one claims he CAN’T TELL FACT FROM FICTION. 

There are lines you have to keep with your characters to keep the audience from hating them. They crossed it about 80 times with this plot and make Launchpad into a gibbering dunderhead who can’t do anything right versus a regular dunderhead whose good at one or two things and loveable enough for us to like him and not care about his numerous safey violations and child endagerment charges. Thankfully this is the ONLY episode that gets this bad and they clearly learned from this, but it dosen’t make it any less of a tough sit. 

Dewey spends most of the subplot with a look on his face that just screams that he’s as done with this bullshit as we are, as Launchpad assumes he’s a mole person and brought along a pipe to presumibly bludgeon him, because wanting to cave his best friends skull in over stupidity is a GREAT look> Thankfuly he does not. And when the lights come back on Launchpad.. assumes he’s a monster because of bright light, GAH, and locks him out before they end up outside and the plto resolves itself by Dewey pointing out by Launchpad’s utterly baffling logic that he could be a mole monster, so Launchpad.. assumes he is. 

The subplot’s later buttoned up as he claims “I love being a mole monster”, again diffrent subteranian creature launchpad, she says he’s not and my suffering is thankfully at an end. This plot just sucks, it’s bad, overly stupid and dosen’t work with an adult character. Someone like say Ed from Ed, Edd N Eddy, or someone who belivies in weird conspiracy stuff like Dale Gribble or Stan Pines. with either of them this plot would’ve been fucking great. I could buy it from Dale and it just comes off as his normal paranoid weirdness. With Launchpad it comes off like he seriously needs help because the episode frames it as if he can’t tell ficton from reality, and his splotlight episode later would directly contridct this and make this episode even more aggrivating, as he’s a fan of Darkwing Duck, and KNOWS it’s acted out by an actor, so why wouldn’t he get this? It’s just....

It sucks, it sucks and I thankfully get to move on to a better subplot

Beakly and Lena: What You Are in the Dark

Beakly tells Lena she’ll never see Webby again after this.. then chastises her when she won’t help despite you know having just said she’s going to force their friendship apart, which Lena points out. She then gets mad at Lena making a sarcastic comment at her. Okay she’s lived with Louie for at least a week in airing order and a month or two in actual order. She has to be used to this by now. She’s insolent.. because you show her no respect, blame her for something that while sure she talked you into, you should’ve known better, and top it off by saying you want to keep her from the kids because they have bright futures and come from good familes and asks who rasied her and her face.. well.

Yeah wheras Launchpad and Huey, more on that in a second, were hurt by this being some of their earliest big roles, Bentina wasn’t.. until later when we found out just HOW bad Magica is to Lena and how much she dosen’t care about her other than as a tool to use. At this point we didn’t know just how much Lena was playing webby, how much she was only manipulating her, and even with her heroic act here we didn’t know if she only saw Webby as her way to break free. The next episode makes it clear she dosen’t and genuinely does care, 100%, so in hindsight it makes Bentina come off as ghoulsih for horribly asssuming about a girl she dosen’t know, and even if she did know about Magica wouldn’t know the full story, just like us, and then BERATING her after already saying she’s going to rip her away from Webby, which itself is PRETTY bad as she’s the only friend the girl has and sh’es doing so on... talking them into a horror movie, which as I outlined was more Bentina’s fault than Lena’s, and leading the kids into a dangerous place whicha gain, Lena pointed out is something she lets Scrooge do. And trust me i know that she actually knows Scrooge, and we later find out, as we’ll cover next month, that she isn’t ware HOW dangerous things are with Scrooge. It dosen’t change the fact she knows they do dangerous stuff to a point and that Lena may just be acting out. It also dosen’t change the fact she drove three children, yes including launchpad, down here with her instead of sending them home with Launchpad.. granted that option isn’t the safest but it’s safer than taking her with them thena cting like it’s ALL lena’s fault when three of the children, again including launchpad, are down there because of HER. Not Lena, HER. I’m harder on her because she’s older, wiser and was “raised properly” apparently. Though given the way she treats a random teen off the street she again knows nothing about and dind’t bother to ask... it begs the question. 

IT’s a good question. I could see the classism coming from being raised in 40′s and 50′s britain, judging by the timeline.. but even then she’s seen the world, and while her nature is supscious, the classit bullshit makes no sense after presumibly working with, and later spymastering for, various agents of various backgrounds. How has she not dropped this in decades. Scrooge very clearly dropped the racisim and homophobia of his time, so it still stands  on her for not dropping this. And Lena’s hurt shows under hte mask for the first time, that beneath the snark and secrecy.. is just an abused teenager with nowhere else to go and no way out being bullied by an older woman whose cutting off the only light at the end of the tunnel nto for good reason but out of classist, overprotective mallice.  My issues, which to be fair probably were intentional in the episode but sitll are a bit overblown, aside we do get an absoluttley tremendous moment later as a car falls on top of Beakly.. and Magica, speaking once more urges Lena to leave her, let her die and let their plans progress. And while that iself is.. dumb, what if someone finds her or her corpse later, especially since Scrooge would likely perosnally want to retrive the body to give her a proper burial as she’s his only friend at this point, or the rest of the family questoin the story?, it fits Magica’s lack of foresight we see throughout the season. But Lena... saves her. While she later gives an explination, and a valid one at that, it’s clear from her expressoin, her actoins and how she does it... that this is her. Part of it is defiance, as she glares at Magica before doing it, her own stubborn nature mixed with her hatred of her “aunt”, meaning Magica just made it all too easy for her to do this. But the real reason is clear: It’s the right thing to do. While pissing off her aunt and getting away with it is the cherry on top.. the real reason is that unlike Magica.. Lena is not a killer, not a monster, and not a heartless vacum ofa person. Even if she doesn’t like Beakly, for good reason.. she can’t, she WON’T leave her to die and leave Webby an orphan again. She loves Webby too much to do that to her and while she may deny it.. she’s too good a person to leave someone to die for something so petty. Even if she never sees webby again and the plans ruined. It’s better than the weight of knowing she let someone who wasn’t trying to harm her and whose actions, while terrible, were out of misguided protection of her granddaughter, die like this. She saves her. And as we’ll see it pays off.. but before that. 

Huey, Webby and Louie: Into the Unknown This plot’s a bit shorter, as Webby and Huey continue their argument, with Louie eventually making it clear, and not even hiding it when directly asked by Huey, that he’s playing both sides with a delighted expression on his face as the movie was boring but this, this is interesting. Which it is. But it’s interupted by dings on the roof and while Huey assumes i’ts just a regular rock, it moves while their not lookiung.. and soon red eyed, horrifying beasts look out at them and the kids flee back to the car. This dosen’t pan out as the car starts to shake and is clearly going to collapse.. and while Webby and Louie are prepared to flee, rock monsters or no, Huey, in an utterly heart shattering image.. stays in place, terrified of moving. 

This is where this plot goes from mildly aggrivating, as Huey’s Skeptic shenanigans can get on the nerves.. to BRILLIANT. See at the time this was more annoying because it was assumed the skepticsim would be a part of Huey’s character and we’d get more episodes of him being annoying only to be proven wrong, as he semeingly dosen’t learn his lesson at this point, looging the terrafrimians in the guide book. But on rewatch.. this plot is amazing.  For starters the plot subtly introduced the defening characteristic of Huey’s personality, one that’s become more prounounced in Season 3: His need for Order. He needs things to make sense: He solves stuff because he likes there to be order in the world and something he can understand, he can put in a box in his head. Like a lot of neurotypical people, myself included, he struggles horribly when the clearly defined boxes of his life and things he undestand have wrinkles or complexities he can’t get. I for instnace easily got it when I was introduced to the concept of trans people or being non binary.. they just make sense in hindsight: given how our brains are messya nd complicated it makes sense some people would be born in the wrong ones, and tht with all the science and medicine we have to correct that, should be allowed to transition if they so choose. It makes equal sense that some people just don’t have a gender or are gender fluid, being both or neither. Despite struggling with non binary prounouns due to force of habit.. I get the concept with no real difficulty. But when it comes to accepting I don’t have to apologize for everything and that everyone is not angry or that anger is natural and people sometimes get mad and you can’t and shouldnt’ fix it.. it’s something I STRUGGLE with even knowing it’s not right, because my brain is just wired that way. 

That’s how Huey’s struggle comes off here.. he reveals he’s willing to stay and die.. because he’s SO scared of the unknown, that the idea of dying from something he at least knows what it is versus something he dosen’t.., so paralizyed by his own brain he can’t figure out the obvious.. it takes Webby reaching out to him figuratively and literally, to show him that sometimes you have to face the unknown. The unknown is fucking terrifying.. but it can be good and it’s better than sitting there, scared and unable to move. You have to try, to grow and take that risk that things may not go well to really LIVE. 

So he does.. and they reunite with the rest of the group.. and soon find the terrafirmains.. who as it turns out once we get some light on them... are actually just goofy looking,  brightly colored, each one matching one of the kids, kids themselves, and Huey reaches out and touches one, which by ET logic means their friends now, and the terrafirmians help them get out. And this lesson sticks. While sure Huey catalogues it and it seems it didn’t.. he’s never this skeptical again. This douchey skepticsim was only for one episode, his fear of the uknown replcaed with boundless curosity and from here on he’s CURIOUS about new stuff as long as it’s not trying to kill him. He loves taking in new experinces, maybe not to webby levels but he does actually try them and study them instead of just fearing them. 

Before we wrap things up, obviously we need to talk about the JWG not having entries on a lot of stuff. This would be corrected next season as it returns to being a big book of everything, but dosen’t completely contridct this as Timephoon! shows there’s stillcgaps.. which i’m fine with. While it knowing EVERYTHING was fine for the original series here, with things being slightly more groudned, it’d just be an obvious plothole if Huey didn’t use it every single time they ran into something and that’d get boring. Instead it’s simply that it dosen’t know everything, and really in the comics at times it didn’t and the triplets found out new things. It knew almost everything mind you, but having some gaps for dramatic tnesion is fine with me and Seasons 2 and 3 decided on that instead of just having it being a scouting manual which wa sfor the best. And even by later in the season hit has guides to getting a small buisness loan, so they already course corrected. 

So everything’s wrapped up and while Magica berates Lena for disobeying her.. Beakly interputps, thankfully not seeing magica and admits she was wrong and invites Lena for pancakes, even taking a crack about if their actually pancakes or english muffins with syrup, which sounds like my own living hell, in stride, having clearly grown. And Lena explains to Magica that this was the better approach: now she’s got the in theyw anted, and is above suspcison for now. Still not so much that an obvious act won’t be detected but enough that she dosen’t ahve to work actively around her anymore. Magica scoffs.. and while part of it is probably rage.. part of it is deep down both of them know she did it out of defiance.. and only Lena knows that she did it for the right reasons... she just dosen’t get why. She probably justifies it as playing the long game.. but deep down she knows something’s changing about her.. and she’s not sure if that’s a godo thing or not. 

Final Thoughts: This episode is as you can tell a mixed bag. It’s 2/3 of a good episode, with the Lena plot, my issues aside, being excellent and the Terra-Firmian plot likewise fun, even if Huey can get grating the payoff is worth it, and the jokes are really high quality. It’s just bogged down by that fucking launchpad plot that just crushed my soul in it’s palms every time it came back. I went on at length why i hated that one but boy oh boy was the hate of that subplot warranted and I stand by calling it the worst plot of the series. It is: it’s not funny, it makes no goddamn sense, and it drags down what’s otherwise a pretty solid epsiode.

Next Time on Lena: Jaws the shark, lurking in the dark, in the depths of the bin one day of a lark decides to get rowdy, get real violent takes a vacay out to Duckburg er.. Island.. also Scrooge faces his greatest Nemesis.. a PR Tour to clean up his image after an unfortunate giant Beanstalk Incident. Be there and be hip to be square. 

Next Time on This Blog: I Tackle a DCOM for the first time for another commissioned review as we take a look at racisim, specifically Apartheid and breaking indoctrination, with The Color of Friendship. See you next Rainbow. 

[ericsonclan]

Love is For the Birds

Summary: Clementine and Aspen go on a bird-watching date.

Notes: Did an OC swap with @king-of-clubs98 that was a ton of fun! :D

Read on A03: 

Aspen woke up slowly, the sunlight trickling through his window gradually pulling him from his slumber. With a long yawn, he stretched out, feeling his joints protest slightly. Even after a full night’s rest they were still a bit sore. At least he wouldn’t be walking around that much today. All he had was meal prep with Omar, helping Ruby harvest some of the vegetables from the garden, and-

Shit. Aspen realized, his eyes widening. Clem and I are going outside the gates today! Is she already waiting for me? Hurriedly he rose from his bed, pulling on his worn-out boots and bending to get through the doorway. If only his whole room could have been built to his size. It wasn’t like Ericson housed a lot of 7’5” kids before the apocalypse. At least he had the comfort of a properly sized bed though. He had to remember to count his blessings.

As he hurried along the walkway toward the main gate, Aspen spotted Louis walking along. The dreadlocked boy saw him as well, turning to him with a smile. “Hey, Aspen. What’s the hurry?”

“Oh, uh, I… Clem,” Aspen managed.

Louis’ face brightened. “That’s right, you guys have that date today! Aasim and I will be heading out on hunting duty pretty soon too. If we see you, we’ll be sure to keep our distance,” he gave a playful wink that almost made Aspen die of embarrassment right there and then. “Hey, are you free tonight to work on our song again? I think I’ve got the melody down pat this time, so no more awkward pauses!” Louis pulled proudly on the collar of his coat.

“That sounds nice. I’ll probably have time. Right after dinner?”

“I’ll jot your name down in my planner,” Louis quipped, pretending to scribble upon his hand. “See you later then – have fun!”

“Thanks!” With an awkward wave, Aspen was back on his way. The front yard wasn’t very busy at this time of day. He spotted Violet sitting up on the wall as she usually did. They shared a noncommittal nod as he passed. Aspen couldn’t believe Violet had still found a way to climb up to her old spot. The thought of climbing up there was scary enough before; it seemed it would only be scarier now with her limited eyesight. To each their own though.

Rosewood was pushing A.J. on the tire swing, something the youngster seemed to be thoroughly enjoying. “Higher, higher!” he called, kicking his feet to help boost himself further into the air. Rosewood caught Aspen’s eye, offering a friendly wave before returning to their task. Aspen was glad to see them smiling again. It’d be a hard couple months for them with everything that happened with the Delta…

“Faster, Willy!” His sister’s laugh broke out behind him, causing Aspen to turn around to see what was going on. Cedar was flying across the yard in her new wheelchair, being pushed by Willy as he sprinted behind. Their hair blew back in the wind as they made a sharp turn, barreling toward Aspen. “Aspen!” Cedar exclaimed, her smile wide as the wheelchair screeched to a halt in front of him. “Look what Willy just added: a seatbelt! That way even if we slip while racing I’ll still be safe and secure,” She looked up into her brother’s eyes for confirmation, her own green ones bright with excitement.

Aspen was still worried by the whole “racing” part of things, but he could tell how happy it made Cedar. Rather than comment on the safety of it all, he merely smiled and nodded. “It looks cool,”

“I was working all night to add improvements!” Willy jumped in, his gap teeth prominent as he beamed proudly at his work. “The whole wheelchair is stronger now, so it can take a hit, and check it out…” He pulled a lever on the back of the chair and a series of pointed stakes shot upward along both sides of the wheelchair. “Chair spikes! Nobody’s gonna be able to get to Cedar in this!”

“Those are cool, Willy, but maybe keep them down while you two are racing around,” Aspen noted.

“Oh, right!” Willy pulled the lever again and the spikes fell. “They’re only gonna be used for emergencies, promise!”

Hopefully we won’t have any of those for a while. “Well, you guys have fun. I’ve gotta find Clem,”

Cedar nodded towards the admin building. “We saw her about five minutes ago talking over something with Aasim. She’s probably still up there,”

“Thanks. I’ll see you two later,” As Aspen headed towards the admin building, he wondered what Clementine had been meeting with Aasim about. Probably a strategy meeting given that Aasim was the de facto leader of Ericson now. Approaching the steps, Aspen was pleasantly surprised to find Clementine starting to make her way down them herself.

A smile broke out on her face when she saw him. “Aspen! Sorry, have you been waiting long?”

Aspen shook his head. “Nah, I just got out here,” His eyes latched onto the book in Clementine’s hands. “What’s that?”

Clementine grinned, slipping the book behind her back. “Well, I checked with Aasim since he has a running inventory on everything at Ericson to see if he knew if the library had any books on bird watching and…” She lifted the book up proudly. “He gave me an encyclopedia on all the birds in West Virginia! We’re about to be the best bird-watching duo ever!”

“Holy shit,” Aspen breathed, reaching out to take the book. “I can’t believe I never thought to ask about that,”

“It was actually Omar’s idea at first. I was telling him what we were planning for our date and he said the library might’ve had something on birds that could help us,”

The book looked tiny within Aspen’s hands. He was able to flip open the cover, but the pages beneath were another story. They were that thin, silky kind that was usually used on Bibles and such. Aspen was surprised it hadn’t been discovered and rolled up into cigarettes back when there were still kids who smoked around here. A grunt of frustration escaped his lips, causing Clementine to look up with a sympathetic smile.

Getting on her tiptoes, she gently plucked the book from his hands. “How about I narrate the book and you lead the expedition? You’re the one with the expert birdwatching eyes anyway.

“Well, OK then,” Aspen looked towards the front gates. “You ready to head out?”

“Yep, let’s go!”

It was a short walk to the front gates and then they were out in the world. As Aspen closed the gate behind them, he looked down at Clementine’s prosthetic worriedly. It had only been a few short months that she’d had it on. He knew the first couple prosthetics had hurt like hell when she wore them, but Clementine had been adamant: she wanted to get off of her crutches as soon as possible. We’ll make it a short walk, Aspen told himself. There was no way Clementine would let him know if she was in pain and he wasn’t risking her receiving any further injuries for the sake of her pride.

“Caught you,” Clementine gave a rueful smile.

Aspen looked away in shame. “Sorry. I won’t mention it,”

“It feels fine today,”

Aspen studied her eyes, hoping he knew her well enough to be certain of the truthfulness of her words.

“I promise,”

“I trust you,”

The happiness in Clementine’s eyes told him he’d made the right choice. They walked alongside each other, Aspen keeping his eye out for birds as Clementine leafed through the book. Suddenly a giggle escaped her lips. “Man, I really hope we come across a dickcissel. That has to be the funniest name I’ve seen yet,”

“Can I see?” Aspen glanced down at the book, studying the illustration Clementine pointed to as she held the book up towards him. It was a small, sparrow-sized bird with brown markings and a bright yellow chest. “Oh, I’ve seen those before. They tend to hide out in the tall grass. Never knew what they were called though,”

“Well, keep your eyes peeled,” Clementine continued to leaf through the book. “I want to be able to tell A.J. each and every bird we saw when we get back for dinner tonight,”

They continued their walk, not coming across anything too interesting. A few crows crossed overhead and Clementine flipped to the section on crows, choosing the fish crow which seemed to match the birds they’d seen best and reading what she found out loud. “When fish crows find a good source of food, they may cache the surplus for later. These hiding places can be in grass, in clumps of Spanish moss, or in crevices in tree bark,”

“Maybe we should try to follow them and see if they lead us to their secret stash,”

Clementine wrinkled her nose at the suggestion. “If they’re storing fish inside trees, I bet it taste like shit,”

“Just cause they’re called fish crows doesn’t mean they only eat fish,” Aspen rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Here, lemme see that for a second,” He held the book up closer to his face so he could make out the tiny words. “See? It says here that they’re ‘supreme generalists, eating just about anything they can find’,”

“Guess you’ve got a point then. We could use as much food as possible back at the school,”

Aspen fumbled with his fingers. He knew Clementine was thinking of him. She always worried that he wasn’t getting enough and often tried to force her food on him. He wouldn’t take it though. Clem was way too skinny as it was. She needed the food just as much as he did. Fishing in his pocket, Aspen decided to change the subject by focusing on something else. He soon found his bird whistle, one he had made for himself out of some foam he found in the old art room and a piece of one of the medical gloves from the nurse’s office. Placing the instrument against his tongue, he waited a few seconds for it to soak up some of his saliva before positioning it at the tip of his tongue and lightly blowing past his lips. A shrill whistle pierced the air, followed by a series of short trills.

Clementine looked up at him proudly. She was always impressed at how many whistles Aspen had mastered. The first time he’d shown her, things hadn’t gone as smoothly though. Clementine had reached for his hand and Aspen had choked mid-whistle, swallowing the instrument and devolving into a coughing fit. It wasn’t a big deal; it was easy to make another. This time though, Aspen made sure the whistle was firmly lodged at the tip of his tongue before reaching out for his girlfriend’s hand.

Clementine seemed to enjoy the gesture. She leaned against his arm for a moment, humming happily to herself before her eyes suddenly widened. Pressing a finger to her lips, she caught Aspen’s eye. There just a dozen yards from them was a full-grown rabbit. Clementine had come prepared. Pulling the bow from behind her back, she notched an arrow, barely breathing as she steadied her aim. The arrow flew and hit the rabbit dead center. It flopped lifeless to the ground. Clementine hurried over to retrieve it. “Looks like dinner’s on us!”

“I can carry it,” Aspen offered. Clementine handed it to him and he threw it over his left shoulder. He had enough experience toting wild game that he wouldn’t need a hand to steady it. Instead his hand returned to Clementine’s completely enveloping hers as the couple continued to walk along.

They saw several more species of birds throughout their date and thanks to the encyclopedia were able to identify most of them. Boreal chickadees, Smith’s longspur, Kirtland’s warbler… Clem dog-eared each page that contained a bird they had spotted so that they’d be able to share each and every one with the group tonight. Aspen’s whistles, trills and warbles had birds flitting over to nearby branches, tittering back at him.

“So, do the birds think you’re like, flirting with them?” Clementine asked. “That’s why birds make calls, right? To attract mates?”

Aspen shrugged. “Hell if I know. I can make the calls. Doesn’t mean I know what they mean,”

“I suppose I have nothing to be jealous about then,” Clementine teased, dog-earing another one of the pages. “That one looks to be a Western kingbird. The book says they defend their territory with “wing-fluttering, highly vocal” attacks, so let’s try not to piss it off,”

“Birds are pretty chill for the most part,” Aspen replied. “You leave them alone, and they do the same for you,”

“Is that why you like them?”

“Yeah, and, y’know, music,” Aspen looked up towards the sky, studying the horizon. “We should probably be heading back. Don’t want to be out too late,”

“It’s not even near evening,” Clementine protested. “If this is about my leg, I can keep going,”

Aspen smiled down at his girlfriend. She was so cute when she stood her ground like that, hands on her hips, lip set in a pout. Terrifying too under the right circumstances, but in this case she was simply cute. “What if I told you I was the one who needed a break? My joints have been aching since this morning.

That seemed to change Clementine’s mind. She clearly wasn’t fully convinced whether Aspen was faking his claim or not, but she wasn’t going to risk it. “Ok, we’ll head back then,” Still hand in hand, the pair turned to start the journey back to the school.

By the time they returned, there were still a couple hours before nightfall. That didn’t make Aspen regret his decision in the least though. Clementine had started to fade a bit on the way back, her brow furrowing in concentration and her breathing growing heavier. She tried her best to mask it, but Aspen could still hear it. He didn’t say anything though. He knew she’d refuse any help he offered, and it was good enough that she’d agreed to head back. He was glad though when he felt her leaning just a bit more upon his arm, a silent agreement to accept his support in some small way.

The front yard was fairly quiet as they stepped inside the gates. Omar waved to them from the watchtower. “Looks like you guys caught something,”

“Yep,” Clementine smiled proudly. “Another rabbit to add to tonight’s stew along with whatever Lou and Aasim bring back,”

“I’ll be ready to help with dinner prep soon, Omar,” Aspen added. “Just gotta drop a few things off in the room first,”

Omar nodded. “Willy’s on watch next so as soon as he comes out I’ll get to work on preparing the stock. You’ll be on vegetable prep,”

“Sounds good. See you in a few,” Aspen and Clementine walked off together, meandering toward the dorm rooms.

“Clem, Clem!” A.J. ran forward excitedly, practically tackling Clementine with a hug. “You’re back! Did you see anything cool? Did you catch any birds?”

Clementine chuckled, ruffling A.J.’s hair. “The goal wasn’t to catch the birds, goofball, just to watch them. We have a book though that we’ll show everybody after dinner. It’s got pictures of all the birds we spotted,”

A.J.’s eyes leapt to the book in Aspen’s hand. “Is it that one? Lemme see!” He jumped for it, but Aspen quickly lifted it out of his reach.

“Sorry, squirt, you’ll have to wait till after dinner just like everybody else,”

A.J. pouted, an expression that Aspen was pleasantly surprised to see matched Clementine’s own pout quite well. Before either of them could say anything further though, an almost imperceptible groan left Clementine’s mouth.

“Clem? You OK?” A.J. asked, eyes wide.

“We’re getting you inside,” Aspen declared, a hand moving down to circle round her waist.

“I’m fine, you two, just… I should probably sit down for a while,”

“We’ll head to your room first,” Gently, Aspen guided Clementine forward. A.J. circled round to her other side, his own hand coming up alongside Aspen’s to support Clementine. It was clear she had reached her limit. Aspen internally cursed himself for not insisting they turn back sooner. Thankfully it wasn’t too long of a walk before they reached Clementine and A.J.’s room. Ducking to get inside, Aspen made sure Clementine was securely seated on the bed before kneeling down to remove her prosthetic. The buckles were a bit fidgety in his large hands, but he was able to manage them well enough to pull the prosthetic off. He leaned it against Clementine’s dresser where it would be easy to reach.

“Thanks,” Clementine breathed, clearly exhausted. “I think I’m just gonna lay down for a bit, close my eyes. You don’t have to stay, A.J., just let me know once dinner is ready,”

A.J. seemed hesitant to go, but nodded, quickly leaving the room without another word.

Clementine turned back to Aspen who was still kneeling before her. “You can go too,” Her hand reached up to play lightly with his sandy brown hair. “I know you have things to do,”

“I’ll finish them as soon as I can,” Aspen’s eyes searched hers for signs of pain. “You’re sure you’ll be alright?”

“I’m sure,” Clementine held his gaze for a few seconds before leaning forward. Her lips grazed his in a soft kiss.

Aspen felt his face heat up at the gesture. He wanted to lean in and kiss her again, but Omar was waiting and Clementine was clearly on the verge of falling asleep. Instead he settled for cupping her cheek, her head resting against his hand. “You get some rest, okay? I’ll see you later,”

“Later,” Clementine murmured.

Aspen slowly lowered her head till it rested upon the pillow. He then rose to his feet, heading back toward the door.

“Aspen?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you,”

Aspen’s heart fluttered within him. “Love you too,” Bending, he made his way into the hall, heading for the stairs. It really had been a wonderful date.

[junkyardlynx]

You like scary stories? Good. I’ve got one. Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, or whatever. Who fucking knows. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t just one shared fever dream between seven stupid kids. Except the part where the dream was real. Has to be real now that I think about it. Anyway. I’m rambling. About all I can do, right now. Haha. How sad. 

The year was 1998.

Good year.

Goldeneye came out in 1997, so it was really the year 0001 AG to me and my friends. We fucking loved Goldeneye.

I was seventeen and I lived alone in a small town in northwest Indiana. It’s farm country’s farm country. I’d been orphaned and bounced around since I was ten, but being nearly eighteen and relatively well-behaved was reason enough for the state to turn me loose with my inheritance. Quitters. You could stand at one edge of the town and spit to the other end. We had one bar, an elementary school, a post office, a vet, and a corner store. It sucked, but it was cheap and somewhat near the only living family I still had. I lived just above the post office and vet, which was probably the only really neat part of town, so I guess I had something going for me. Add a shitty 1988 Ford Probe bought at cost from a frustrated dealership into the mix and I was up street.  

My uncle Mike lived alone too, a forty minute drive away out by the county line road. He had a pretty nice farm house to himself after my aunt Sherry filed for divorce due to her own extramarital affair. I guess when you’re surrounded by woods on all sides and the only things to keep you company are a host of chickens, a couple turkeys, a goat, a dog, and a...fucking peacock, you kinda get antsy for some excitement. I suppose a two story barn and a grain silo aren’t exciting enough. Anyway. They hadn’t taken me in after my parents died because they had their own problems and I understood. Couldn’t force a kid on someone who wasn’t going to take proper care of it.

Mike was headed into the city for the weekend to shack up with this girl he was into. He did this from time to time, too awkward to ask her to move in with him and too shy to accept her offer, so they just had their trysts. Wasn’t really my business. He called me after I got home on Friday from classes and immediately launched into his request.

“Hey killer, I’m going to see Mary this weekend. Can ya hold down the fort for me? Just feed the animals once a day and don’t let Garfield eat anything dumb.”

“Uh, sure.” 

Garfield was the goat’s name.

I watched him eat the license plate off “Uncle” Van’s...van, once. His name was Van, he was a friend of Mike’s aaaaaand he owned a van. I guess life works like that sometimes, predictable and all. Anyway, Garfield would eat literally fucking anything near his big dumb idiot mouth, like most goats. 

“And uh, I think there’s a bunch of beer in the fridge that’s gonna go bad. Could you do me a favor and get rid of it, bud?”

I could hear the wink through the receiver. I grinned as I pinned the receiver between my shoulder and ear, rummaging around through the cupboards to find my little book of phone numbers.

“Oh yeah, sure thing. Wouldn’t want to have bad beer hanging around in the fridge.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. It better all be gone when I get back. Love ya, kid.”

“Love you too, man. Have a good weekend.”

With an audible click, the other line hung up and I was already dialing people’s numbers. Robert was first, as he was my best and most radically tight brother-man. 

“What’s up, Dingus Kong?” 

Ever since he was twelve, he had the voice of a full-time, carton-a-day smoker. I was honestly a little jealous.

“There’s a beer leak at my uncle’s and we have to plug it up. Call Louis and Alex and make their dumb asses come out. You know the address?”

“Hell yeah, dude. Can I invite Jay?”

“What do I look like, a cop? Of course you can. Saves me the trouble.”

“Cool, later dickless.”

“Peace.”

It wasn’t long until I’d roped Robert, Louis and Jay into things, along with Alex, Laura and June. Alex and Louis had been dating forever and were pretty much attached at the hip, while I had a thing for June. A very quiet, subdued thing, because I operated under the assumption that no one was ever interested and that any thought to the contrary was pointless and asking for trouble. 

We met up at my uncle’s house around 9. They’d pitched in and brought a shit ton of snacks but no one brought any actual food, so our diet that night was going to consist of...Natty Light, snack cakes and chips, pretty much. High school kids eat worse on a daily basis, so no one really cared. I remember being shocked at just how packed the fridge was with shitty Natty Light. Good thing I had good friends.

It was a pretty relaxed atmosphere - Louis and Alex were touchy in the corner of the living room, already a couple beers deep. Robert, Laura and Jay were playing Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64 in the den. They had a penalty game where you had to drink when you died and if you were that fucking prick that picked Oddjob, you both had to take a drink at the start of the round and two when you died. It was fair, believe me. Fuck people who pick Oddjob. 

That pretty much just left June and I. We relaxed in the kitchen, shooting the shit and laughing at each other’s bad jokes. Sometimes we’d look out over the kitchen counter and down into the den / living room - the farm house’s design was always kind of odd to me, but I liked it. The whole house was a one story with a basement. You could come in through the glass sliding door and be right in the living room / den area, then turn right and go up four or five stairs to reach the bedrooms and the turnoff into the kitchen / office area where the front door was. The kitchen had a very open structure, with the sink looking down on the den, and you kinda felt like a commander if sat there and just watched everyone. So I did.

“Hey, Charles?” 

“What’s up?” 

I turned back towards June, taking another sip from that honestly kinda shitty beer in my hand. Ah, the taste of youth - cheap alcohol obtained through immoral or subversive means, like a really cool uncle.

“We should go out to the barn.”

“Why the hell and fuck not?” 

I put on some bravado, but honestly, my uncle’s farm creeped me out. I’d stayed here for the summer once and I swore I could hear things swaying in time with the tall grass as the sun started to die. An animal would go missing every now and then, but my uncle always shrugged it off as coyotes. Never really felt like coyotes, but who was I to disagree when he was the one that lived here all the time?

“Hey, everyone! We’re going outside, time to get up in the hayloft and be stupid.”

I heard a chorus of replies and the click-whrrr of a tube television being powered off, followed by a rowdy collection of feet stomping up carpeted steps. Everyone poured into the kitchen, grabbing things like twinkies and cold hot dogs and new beers. It wasn’t long before we took the party outside, flicking the floodlights on the house on for comfort as much as visibility. We ambled as a drunken mass, slowly making our way towards the faded red barn. 

I have no idea why the barn was so fucking huge, given that less then ten animals lived there. The space was equipped for a sizable amount of large livestock like cows and horses, but all that it held was a collection of idiot birds with too much love and not enough sense. A ladder leading up to the hayloft poked through a square, and we began our inebriated ascent. 

It wasn’t long before we settled into a circle, talking about nothing in particular on the warm wooden floor of the loft. June had taken a seat next to me, so of course, I overthought absolutely everything before determining there was no way she was into me because why would she be? She was way too cool and cute. It was obvious. 

Somehow, we got onto the topic of scary stories. Spooky scary skeleton time. I made up some dumb thing about a cannibal cult in the woods, but it wasn’t very thought out, so everyone gave me shit. Robert just thrust his beer into the air and yelled “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, IT’S ALIENS”, which got a laugh out of all of us. It finally came around to June, who began to tell us about La Llarona, a crying ghost lady in Mexican folklore. 

It was actually pretty spooky until you realized June was like, four foot fucking eight with the voice of an adorable church mouse, and then you were unable to take it seriously. 

We swapped a few more before silence descended on us, slow and natural. The workman’s lamps that I’d lit with a long trigger lighter burned, casting shadows along the walls and illuminating our faces. I smiled as I realized June’s head had come to rest on my right shoulder, feeling not unlike someone blessed by the attention of a regal crow.

“Dude. I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry, Illberto.” 

I waved him off with my left hand before looking around. Something was bothering me, but I couldn’t put my hands on it. Honestly speaking, it was kinda like someone had some bodacious body odor going on and tried to cover it up with some sort of perfume. I took as...well, as discreet a sniff as possible, trying to see if it was one of us. 

I don’t think it was, because the more I smelled it, the more I realized it smelled less like body odor and more like that strange stench of death. Sickly sweet, putrefaction rendering the body of something no longer alive into components for bacteria to consume. I kinda wrote it off as dead mice somewhere since I was an idiot at 17. (I still am an idiot, but I was a bigger idiot. Harder head. More impressively stupid. Anyway.) The smell was bothering me though, so I gently pushed June’s head off my shoulder and stood up.

“Since Mr. Crunch and Munch wants some food, I’m gonna run back to the house and grab some chow and booze. Anyone want anything in particular?”

No one really had an idea of what they wanted, so the group just started chanting “FOOD AND BOOZE, FOOD AND BOOZE, FOOD AND BOOZE” at me. I laughed and nodded, giving a sort of half-wave to June who just smiled at me the whole time as I went to climb down the ladder.

Too bad the ladder was gone.

I groaned in annoyance, turning around to address everyone.

“Very cool, who fucked with the ladder?”

“What are you talking about, brother-man?”

Louis piped up, head resting on top of Alex’s. I gestured dramatically at the square hole in the floor, then pantomimed the act of climbing the ladder.

“There was a ladder here. It’s gone now.”

“It probably fell, Charlie.” 

There went Laura, being the voice of reason. I shrugged in assent. Stop making sense, god damn it.

“I’ll just pull a Spidey-boy and jump down. It’s like, ten feet.” 

Something in my head kept telling me that people can die from slipping and falling on ice, but I ignored it. I just had to brace myself, land on my feet and not hit my brain cage. Really simple. 

I walked back over to the hole in the hayloft, sitting down and scooching to the edge. That fucking smell punched me right in the nose once again, pungent and sweet. I almost stop then, but I don’t really wanna look like a goon in front of June. Uh, June and everyone else, that is.

So I stuck my foot down into the oddly deep darkness of the barn below. 

Something wet and hot smacked against it, nearly wrapping around my exposed ankle.

I yelped perhaps the most pathetic sound known to man and physically extricated myself from the hole by leaping up and jumping back. Everyone laughed of course.

“What’s up, penis pump?”

Fuck off, Robert.

“Either the turkeys have really long and slimy necks now, or something down there just grabbed my fucking ankle.”

“Very funny, Charles.” Alex fixed me with a stare, assuming I was taking the piss out of everybody. Holy fuck, I wished I was.

“I’m serious, you assholes.” I’d thrust my right leg out, showing everyone my ankle and foot. A reddish brown goop clung to it, thick and viscous. The smell was emanating from it, and everyone seemed to have taken notice to it. Unless they started retching for a different reason, like my ankle being particularly abhorrent.

“Brother-man, dude, what the fuck is that?”

You’re asking me, Louie Louie?

“Yeah, that’s a negative Ghost Rider, I have no idea. I’m gonna chill up here for a bit, if someone else feels like Rambo, they can go down.” 

I took off my button up and used it to wipe the goo off of my ankle, but the smell seemed to have set in. I noticed a burning sensation on my skin that increased in intensity as I wiped, but it soon faded to a dull throbbing, becoming the least of my worries. In that time, Louis got up to check out the hole.

 He returned to where Alex was, face pale and stiff. 

That’s when we heard it.

“veerrrryfufufufu-”

The sound stopped, then started again. Almost like someone starting a sputtering car engine.

“Verrrrry cocococococo-cokkkkkkkkkhhssssh. Wshooo fufufufufuf. Wshoooo fufufufuckt wishlatter?” 

You ever have someone come up to you and say “hey, we need to talk” and you feel your stomach drop out of your body and onto the floor? 

Yeah, that. That’s the feeling I felt, but way worse. After all, someone wanted to know who fucked with the ladder. Someone who couldn’t string together two words if they wanted to, and they desperately wanted to.

We’d all crammed ourselves into the back of the hayloft, the seven of us together. Oppressive darkness clung to the places not illuminated by the lamps, and the long lighter lay a good ten feet away from us. No one moved to get it. We heard it again and again, some twisted mockery of a voice continually asking who fucked with the ladder. Then it asked again, in my voice.

“Very cool. Who fucked with the ladder?”

Everyone’s eyes were on me, and I shook my head wordlessly as it asked again, perfectly, matching my rhythm and cadence and tone. 

“Hey, if this is a joke because you thought the Goosebumps books were high literature, we’re gonna string you up by your earlobes dude.”

“Fuck off. It’s not. You think I got bored and recorded me fucking around before you all got here? With the tape recorder I don’t fucking own?”

I was hostile.

We were all on edge.

“I don’t know, were you man?”

“Don’t start with me, Robert.”

“Yeah, whatever, you’re a lazy piece of shit. I know you wouldn’t do this.”

“I swear to god.”

The tension was almost lifted until we heard that wet smacking again, like someone slapping a steak on pavement. It was hilarious until you realized it was probably either something dead being slammed around, or some part of the mysterious thing’s anatomy. The smacking persisted as it mercifully ceased it’s questioning, realizing it’s bait wasn’t working. Slowly, the wet squelching of flesh against concrete grew quiet and far away and the stench that pervaded the air began to thin.

I appraised everyone and jerked my head back at the hole in the hayloft.

“Okay. Okay. We’re gonna drop down and run to the house.”

“Is there any better option you have that isn’t ‘jump down and say hi to the crazy stinky murder rapist’ below us?”

“Not really, Alex. Sorry.”

“Alex and I can stay up here,” Louis offered, but she looked at him with her mouth agape.

“Are you dumb, Louis? I’m not staying in that barn alone with this thing. No, really, are you an idiot?”

I looked at Louis with a kind of knowing glance, knowing he was just trying to help out and allay her fears. Couldn’t really blame her, though.

“He’s just looking out for what you want to do. Anyway, we should all go. I’ll go down first and keep a look out while everyone comes down. C’mon.”

I honestly don’t know where I found the balls of steel I was now equipped with, but I was thankful. I think it was just this overwhelming sense of “we have to go now or something bad is going to happen.” Without giving anyone a chance to reply, I broke away from our little heard and took a running start at the hole, leaping down it before my rational mind could catch up.

I let my legs hit and then tucked myself into a roll to rob the fall of it’s momentum, coming up unscathed. I glanced around, greeted by deadly...nothing. Just silence. It wasn’t until I looked at the ground that I noticed it was covered in a thick layer of that reddish-brown goop, and it stunk horribly. I started to gag but I had the sense to bite it down. No point in putting more disgusting fluids on the floor.

“Jump down! C’mon!”

I shouted up and June practically leapt into my arms, so I caught her and set her down, giving her a tender smile. She was all of four foot eight and ninety pounds, so it wasn’t really a feat of athleticism. Of course, Robert came next, and my knees buckled as his six foot frame met mine with that peculiar rapport we had. 

“No smile for me?”

“I swear, dude.”

I swore a lot, apparently.

The rest followed in suit until eight of us stood in the barn, devoid of animals as it was.  I hoped they’d just run off or sought shelter, but another part of me said that wasn’t the case. I exhaled roughly and looked at our group before nodding.

“Okay, we gotta run. I don’t know when that thing’s coming back, but I can already smell that weird stink getting stronger. I think we’ll be safe in the house since we can look the doors and call the cops.”

“Wait, cops? Dude, we’re doing a little thing called underage drinking.”

Thank you for stating the obvious, Louis.

“Oh, yeah! Way better to get murdered and eaten. You’re right.”

“Point taken.” 

We all murmured our assent before taking one last look around. The lamps burned, slowly dimming as their fuel began to run out. I think we left the lighter up there. Not that it mattered, I guess. I reached out and took June’s petite hand, tugging her gently towards the house.

“Let’s go.”

We began to do an awkward sort of power walk, too scared to run and draw it’s attention but not intent on going any slower than we had to. Our group of seven began to cut across the field, towards the shining lights of the farmhouse. 

A horrific wet SMACK from behind us broke that fragile discipline that kept us calm. A plaintive sort of gurgling howl, like a tiger braying it’s dying cry inside of a charnel pit spurred us on, and I roughly pulled on June’s hand. Her fingers slipped from mine for a moment, but her strong and lengthy fingers found mine, slick with what I assumed was sweat. I didn’t bother looking back as the warm porch lights flooded my vision. I let go of the hand I was holding and turned around to regard our group of eight, making sure everyone was there.

Wait.

Eight?

June, Robert, Louis, Alex, Laura, Jay, and myself. Seven. I glanced at my hand, realizing it was slick with that peculiar fluid. I kept the gorge rising in my throat down, somehow.

Swallowing both vomit and my fear, I began to inspect everyone before herding them inside, one by one. There wasn’t a face I didn’t recognize, but there was an extra person here. I got June, Alex, Robert, Laura and Louis into the house before I realized it. 

There were two Jays.

“Hey Jake, come inside.”

Jay kinda gave me a weird look, wondering if I was actually an idiot. The right Jay, anyway. The other one just slowly started to walk forward.

“Hey, I said Jake come inside man. Practice your manners dude.”

My stare was insistent on the real Jay’s, begging him to come in and not make a scene. He shrugged and stepped inside, and only a moment later I was behind him, slamming the sliding glass door so hard I thought I’d shatter. 

The Jay that wasn’t Jay pressed it’s face to the glass and that fetid liquid began to pour from it’s nose as it’s now-malformed hand began to tap lightly on the glass. What looked like clothes began to slough off in thick puddles of what looked to be flesh, pooling on the patio.

“Come inside. Hey. Manners. Come inside. Hey. Come inside.” 

Robert had noticed what was going on and yelled in what I’m sure he’d want me to report was a very manly and commanding shout. Basically, he screamed like a little bitch. Everyone else noticed and booked it up the sort little landing to the second tier of the house, not willing to look at what was happening anymore.

I couldn’t look away. It gently tapped at the glass,  as a second figure approached from the darkness, eventually pressing it’s face to the glass.

My face.

I watched my own face melt away into nothing, forming a featureless expanse of skin with two unseeing and empty eye sockets. The me that wasn’t me tapped politely on the glass like a door-to-door salesman, asking to be let in.

That sure wasn’t fucking happening. In a haze, I waddled backwards, reaching for the phone that sat on the coffee table by the sofa in this 70′s decor mess of a living room.

It wasn’t there. The cord lay neatly on the table, but the entire phone was gone. It looked deliberate, which means that...well, it meant that my uncle took it with him.

Something clicked in my mind, but I buried it as I pedaled backwards slowly, approaching the display cabinet that held my grandmother’s prized compound bow. I heard from my uncle that she’d been an avid hunter into her 90′s and only passed due to the ravages of...well, a car wreck. I was never more thankful to have a badass relative I’d never met than when I pulled that compound bow out of the display cabinet and nocked an arrow.

Never mind the fact that the last time I went bow hunting was when I was like, twelve.

I stared down the two creatures, still begging to be let in in my voice. My hands trembled even as I began to draw back the heavy string. God damn, grandma, how strong were you? What the hell. 

I strafed up the steps, muscles in my arms screaming for release, but I told myself that they couldn’t come in unless they were invited. It was just a glass door, and these things weren’t dumb, apparently. I don’t know what they were. I’d met strange things in the woods around the house, but never anything like this. Obviously. The surreality of it all made it seem absurd to even question what they were. 

It wasn’t until I reached the kitchen with everyone else that I could slowly release the tension and lower the bow, though I kept the arrow nocked and ready. I gave everyone in the kitchen a wary nod as they huddled together, staying deathly quiet. Looking over the kitchen counter and down into the den, I could see one still tapping on the glass. The other was gone.

A soft knock at the door by the office let us know where the other had wandered off to. It repeated a broken string of words in my voice, asking to be let in, saying it was very cool. It’d be humorous if it wasn’t fucking terrifying. 

Wordlessly, I huddled everyone back into the hallway and lead them to my uncle’s room, unlocking it with the key I had. It was the furthest bedroom away from everything else and had a clear line of sight to the hallway, so if they somehow broke their self-imposed rules, I could at least take a steady shot. The door creaked open and the bedroom lay before us as I flipped on the light.

My uncle’s room was surprisingly sparse and barren. No personal effects remained and you could tell where the furniture had been moved in a hurry, like someone was looking for something. It gave the feeling of someone that wasn’t coming back, and the discontent in my heart grew. 

“Yeah, think he’s been moving stuff over to his girlfriend’s place.” 

I said to no one in particular, placating questions before they could come out. A barren mattress lay on a box spring in the corner.

“Let’s stay in here tonight. It’s not gonna be comfortable, but a couple of people can take the bed and the rest of us can take the floor. I’ll keep watch.”

“Charles...”

Robert sounded concerned for once. I laughed. I glanced back and his face soured before he smiled.

“Nevermind, you’re still a penis pump.”

Everyone, still slightly drunk and nervous, began to occupy their own space in the empty room. I sat against the open doorframe, bow laying on my lap, trained down the hallway. Minutes slipped into hours, and everyone began to pass into a light sleep.

Everyone except me.

The sight of the flesh sloughing off their mutable frames was burned into my mind. Not much sleep to be found after that.

Throughout the night, I heard taps all around the house, like a diligent inspector checking for termites in wood. If I strained my sleepless ears, I could hear my own voice rattling through the walls. The deathly sweet stench of the barn had returned, permeating my brain and setting up residence there. 

Once or twice, I thought I heard tapping and murmuring at the single window in my uncle’s bedroom, but surely that wasn’t possible. It was a good eight feet of the ground, as the room sat on the second “tier” of the house. I dozed for a moment and the tapping seemed to grow more and more furious, so I shook myself awake. I began to dig the bowstring into my finger, rubbing it up and down, fraying my own skin until it bled. 

I felt like I was going to go insane. 

A few long hours later and the sun began to rise, banishing the tapping noise with it and the scent after that. I rose, looking around at the sleeping faces of my friends, relieved. I looked around the empty room once more and went to close my eyes before I realized there was reddish goop smeared on the window of my uncle’s bedroom. 

I’d been watched, all night.

All of us had. 

How many had there been?

Enough to replace us?

Did it matter?

Adrenaline flooding my exhausted body, I crept around the house and checked every window, every door. They were all smeared with handprints, fingerprints, imprints of faces traced in that corpse-goo. My stomach roiled heavily, the beer and junk food of the night before threatening to come up.

We were supposed to be a sacrifice, weren’t we?

The copious amounts of beer. The lack of a phone. My uncle’s personal effects all gone from his room. I suppose the rest, even grandma’s bow, was replaceable to him. Including me.

I woke everyone up and told them we should leave. No one fought it, considering we’d survived the night by listening to me. It was a sort of hollow and empty accolade, but I’d take it. 

As Robert and June piled in my Ford Probe outside, I snuck a peek at the barn. Dark red stains and the remnants of feathers, fur and flesh stained the outside of it’s semi-dilapidated structure, as if the animals had been killed by being thrown at the walls in anger. I swallowed dryly, realizing what those wet thuds and smacks had been. 

We spent the rest of the weekend together, all seven of us. One night at Robert’s, the rest of the day at June’s. I tried several times to contact my uncle, but his girlfriend’s landline was disconnected and his emergency cell phone wasn’t picking up. 

Abandoned twice by the family that wouldn’t even take me in, I guess. 

I never found out what those things were. My uncle’s house was marked as abandoned and reclaimed by the bank, eventually being sold at auction for dirt cheap. I didn’t care. I’d stayed away from the forested areas and anywhere approaching natural, and even took to a vegetarian diet for a few months. 

Eventually the memory faded, and years later I had almost forgotten about it. Life went on, and I remained in that cozy little apartment above the vet’s office and the post office. 

Until tonight. 

When I smelled something sticky-sweet, like what the insides of a pitcher plant must be.

Where something tapped at the door to my apartment, begging to be let in. 

Where my own voice begged me to be let in.

[amaliabalash]

It Chapter Two

Okay y’all I said I wanted to write a post of thoughts I’ve had on the movies (most the second, but here and there from the first), adaptation choices, etc., so here it is after five ten viewings of Chapter Two and a ton of viewings of the first movie as well. I stand by my initial sum up: I love it as a follow up if you’re watching it for the coming of age story of the group of friends that fight an evil being, but it’s mehhhh as a horror movie about a clown that kills children....which means I love it because I don’t give a fuck about the clown. 

I love the Losers love for each other. I hate any moment that separates them or causes conflict between them, because in the book they are magically, instantly united as they join together that summer, and nothing stops that, and that’s one of my favorite things about the book. So the movie taking that complete level of solidarity hurts. But even so, when it comes down to it, again and again we see how much they all love and care for each other and I am all about that. Now below the cut, have 4300 words of rambling thoughts in bullet point form!

Mike: I love and hate what he was given for this movie. Not getting incapacitated by Bowers and hospitalized (as in the book), and instead actually getting to be in the final confrontation? THANK YOU, YES. Lying to the Losers? No, not a fan. At first I was mostly focused on being grateful he was in the final battle because I think it’s awesome they’ve all together, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more upset I am that he still got kinda screwed. He had more to do than he did in the first movie, but then like...he doesn’t get a scene of going and finding the rock and having his own flashbacks, and then he doesn’t get a separate confrontation with Pennywise either once they’re in the sewers (like Ben and Bev, Eddie and Richie, and Bill do). Being the crazy librarian’s assistant is bunk. And the whole Native American ritual shit...

The Ritual of Chüd: I fully understand not doing the ritual exactly like in the book, because hello, a metaphysical battle of wills, biting each other’s tongues in your psyche and getting thrown around is just a wee bit complicated to film. But making it so that Mike got the ritual from Native Americans (the ~mystical face distortion especially bugged me), and then it also didn’t even work...ugh. And again, the lying, ughhhh. A battle of wills was still basically how they defeated It, at least? Also, like, maybe it’s iffy to use some ancient tribal ritual that Bill got from a book, too, but I think it works (in a story sense, I mean) because they’re kids when they first try it. They go “hey, there’s this thing, we believe it’s the answer” and so it works. And it works so much better as a thing the kids found in a book and believed in, than as a ritual adult Mike got from Native Americans that never even worked. However, James McAvoy’s delivery of the line, “You stole it...from Native Americans?” is incredible and hilarious. And on the note of the smoke scene...

The Clubhouse: I don’t fucking care how relatively little sense it made to include the clubhouse, and how Ben’s “the hole was already dug out and oh hey btw I like architecture we forgot to mention that in the last movie” was paper thin, because I AM SO HAPPY THAT THEY MADE THE CLUBHOUSE. I’m glad they didn’t retroactively have them do the smoke scene, because it REALLY wouldn’t have made sense with the first film to them suddenly have done that in the midst of everything and not used it, but I’m sad it wasn’t in the first film to start with. I understand that the budget, like, doubled for chapter two. Happy they included the clubhouse at all, but super eh on including the smoke scene in the way they did. Again, the kids going “hey let’s try this thing” and it working through belief makes so much more sense to me. BUT CLUBHOUSE! :D

Stan: fuuuuuuuuck. They gave Stan so much more in chapter two than in one, somehow? I hate that in the book, the only thing we get of adult Stan is from his wife’s perspective, and then he’s dead. By giving Stan the letter at the end, as well as his added kid scenes, I feel like Stan was given some justice. And on the small book nod end, I loved him doing the bird puzzle, because book Stan is a big ol’ bird nerd. Also when Stan asks what he looks like when he’s older in that first scene and Bev has that look and says like now but taller? OW. ALSO the head-spider thing, “so you don’t get spiders in your hair,” nice horrible touch there. And this isn’t a Stan characterization thing, but one of the legs going through Stan’s eye and Richie being the one to say “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” also feels appropriate because eye horror is a book Richie thing. And on the note of the letter (which I love), I want to know what Stan wrote to Patty. Because like, wow, after her husband seemingly out of nowhere kills himself, she still sends these letters to his old friends. Patty Uris, you’re a good woman.  

Ben: I am generally in favor of Ben/Bev, and thought they had some nice moments in the new movie, but I haaaaate that Ben kept the yearbook page. It made no sense, and it was kind of weird for him to like...obsess over that for the next 27 years of his life when he hadn’t seen her? I think it would have been sweeter, honestly, if upon returning to Derry he was just HIT with how much he loved her, through that funky magic that bonded the Losers and broke them apart. Back in Derry, the feelings return freshly, even if they’re 27 years old (like happened for Richie, according to Bill Hader and my heart). If that had happened, and then they just...ended up sticking together afterwards, I’d prefer it. Lose the kiss, lose the yearbook thing, but keep the end scene with them on the boat, that’s fine. Also why the fuck was Ben in summer school, that flashback didn’t make sense, should’ve been in the library, please. If only we could have had a middle ground (aka the book) between the 1990 series where Ben was kind of presented as a manwhore and the movie where he’s still in love with the same girl from when he was 13 and that’s why he was alone. In the book he just...didn’t have much of an interest in the romance I think? Idk. Ben keeping the yearbook page is dumb and it was overdone but otherwise Ben and Bev are cute. But as for the first movie and flashback moments, I love little baby Ben Hanscom with all my heart, what a sweetheart. Sorry they made you creepily obsess on the same girl for the rest of your life, Ben. 

MEMORIES: THEY WERE ALLOWED TO KEEP THEIR MEMORIES! I AM SO GRATEFUL! Some people are like “but now Richie has to remember this” and I’m like, the book fucks me up when I read it knowing that none of them will remember each other, and that none of them will remember Eddie and his sacrifice, how bravely he fought, fuuuuuck. So I’d rather sad remembering and honoring than completely forgetting.  This is the happier ending, it really is. 

Bill: He wasn’t really sick??? ow??? Like it makes his determination to search for Georgie make more sense, but oof. I have mixed feelings on this because in the book Bill is genuinely too sick to go with Georgie, but like...the “just because you did x doesn’t mean this horrible thing is your fault” is a really poignant emotional point to make. On the acting side, both Jaeden Martell and James McAvoy did really well with the stuttering, not making it over the top or just...forgetting about it. It felt realistic to those I’ve known with stutters. I think I’m gonna make a separate bullet point for how the marriages were handled, but, it makes me sad that Bill and Audra weren’t shown to be loving like in the book. Bill actually had a good relationship with his wife and that’s a bummer to take away. The choice to have Bill’s fervor in going after It right then be about seeing another kid get taken instead of because he finds Audra’s purse, though, seemed like a solid choice, it worked really well. It keeps the story tighter in a sense, because Bill’s guilt about Georgie is shown to be one of his driving forces across both movies. And...okay that ties right into the marriages thing so...

Marriages: I am grateful that they didn’t have Audra and Tom go to Derry like in the book. There is SO MUCH book content that didn’t make it in, stuff that is really plot relevant, but like...fitting all of that in would have been crammed and we’d lack the emotional depth. Chapter Two is about the Losers, and the sacrifices that were made were there so that we could really focus on the Losers and their relationships with teach other and their experiences. It makes me sad that Bill doesn’t get his positive relationship with Audra, that they’re not shown to actually love each other, that he’s no longer wearing a wedding ring in that last scene with the phone call with Mike, but god. If they had had Audra and Tom come to Derry, it would have muddled the story more than it’d flesh it out. So not worth it to waste a single moment on that, as much as I wish Tom still got killed by It because it’s what he deserves. I almost wish that Bev’s relationship with Tom had been changed, but idk what I’d change it to. Including the abuse was rough, but at least it wasn’t as severe as in the book? It couldn’t be, anyway, because again, he doesn’t follow her to Derry, so he can’t be quite as evil as he is in the book or it’d be incomplete to expect her to just...leave him. Aaaaand Eddie and Myra. I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY CAST THE SAME ACTRESS AS MYRA AND HIS MOM. It’s completely book accurate, there’s that bit of narrative where he acknowledges that looking at a younger pic of his mom next to one of Myra and they could be twins, but damn, that casting choice. I feel bad for Myra, in all incarnations. A character meant only to be the embodiment of an oedipal complex...or, the projection of one? However you’d say that.

Bill & Bev: a whole bullet point just to say, thank god they didn’t sleep together, that one little memory based kiss and move on? THANK YOU. And that kiss worked, not like the wtf so awkward kiss between Bill and Bev at the restaurant in the mini-series. Also not driving home the “Audra looks like Bev.......” thing. I’m cool with that. Though I still think it’d have been hilarious if they’d cast Bryce Dallas Howard as Audra.

Beverly: I was talking to a friend about the first movie a few months ago and she said she hated how Bev was made into a damsel in the first movie, needing to be rescued...and I can get that, but compared to the book and the 1990 series, Bev gets SO MUCH MORE and I love her so much. I love that she’s pushing them to keep fighting against It in the first one, and that in the second she’s supporting the others still and encouraging, and in the final battle moments, she’s never a damsel. It’s just when she was in the deadlights. The scene with Mrs. Kersh was fucking insane though. Like, hugely increased budget from the first movie, and....they choose to spend it on a naked granny monster????? TWICE???? I feel like that scene could have been legitimately creepy but then NAKED. GRANNY. MONSTER. I have nothing deep to say on that scene but I’m so baffled. 

CGI and the Monsters: On the note of the atrocity of the naked granny monster...it must say a lot about what Andy Muschietti is afraid of that he includes these weird, gross CGI monsters. Also I feel like he’s afraid of old age, between the Mrs. Kersh monster and the focus on Mr. Keene’s old-ness. But like...the leper and the naked granny monster are both just really weird and gross, but not like scary? I mean, the leper being a physical representation of infection is specific to Eddie, and it sticking it’s tongue down Mrs. Kaspbrak’s throat is truly utterly disgusting, but...again, the horror of it is grossness, not scariness? And god the fucking naked granny monster just kills me because that scene would legit be scary if not for that. Instead, multiple times I’ve heard people in the theater whisper “what the fuck” during that scene. 

The Losers Fighting: Possibly my biggest complaint about the two movies is the choice to have the Losers have big fights.  For Dramatic Movie Purposes I get it, I guess, but in the book as each Loser joins, that’s it, there’s no question, fate is clicking into place, they are meant to be together. So the fight after the House on Neibolt in the first movie has always bugged me. Mike lying to them bugs me. Them being like, “fuck this I’m out” bugs me. However, the ONE concession I’ll make on this point is that at least the fight in the first movie was used in the second as an excuse to show new flashbacks. But the lack of unity is always gonna make me sad about these adaptations. 

Pennywise: I am NOT saying I want more Pennywise in the movie, but I think that there is a slight plot hole in the way that his motivations and his effect aren’t directly addressed in the films. Like, including the Adrian Mellon murder without including the whole thing where it’s relevant to It because It’s evil seeps into Derry and is an integral part of Derry makes the scene make less sense. Though, again, I’m cool with them not including Derry just completely falling apart when It dies because of that connection, bc that’d be too much time not about the Losers. But, yeah, motivation wise, it doesn’t feel clear why It wants the Losers to come home. Knowing in the book that It experienced fear and then true anger for the first time, that It wants revenge, makes the ultimately Dumbass Move of luring them back at least make some sense. 

Richie: I’m gonna try to focus on Richie things that don’t necessarily relate to Reddie first. I was super unsure about Bill Hader when I heard about his casting at first, because I’d never seen him do the drama I knew the role would need, but damn. He was a perfect Richie, from the comedy to the holy shit drama pain. And it’s a bummer that the whole cgi thing was needed (though, like, it was, because Finn Wolfhard does not look the same anymore) because I’d like to see the more nuanced version of his performance of the arcade scene and stuff. I’m so grateful for the depth given to Richie with the closeted storyline, as much as it hurts. This movie let (some) characters have some actual depth and it’s wonderful. Let’s see... I kind of hate that there was still the fatphobic focuses in the story as a whole, but like...those lines only coming from the trashmouth was at least appropriate. And his delivery throughout his whole bit with Bill outside the Neibolt house in Chapter Two about Richie said it best last time, is delivered so perfectly and I love it, particularly, “You’re lucky we’re not measuring dicks?” Excellent job, Bill Hader. And even though, as I said above, I am no fan of the Losers fighting and Richie trying to run off, the part where Ben says “at least I got Richie to stay” and then Richie bursts out of the back of the hotel to sneak off is way too funny to me. Him not writing his own material is kind of hilarious. And it goes in with a theme in the movie where the Loser’s adult success is a little bit tainted, which isn’t necessarily the case in the book - other things are off, no children, marrying their parents, etc., but their success doesn’t really have anything off about it. Book Richie finally does perfect his voices and that’s how he makes his money. But I’ll accept him not actually being great at comedy (not that the bit we saw at the start of the movie was great comedy) for the set up of the joke of Eddie saying “I FUCKING KNEW IT!” also oops mentioned Eddie. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  So why not go there now! 

Eddie and Richie: I didn’t think they’d actually fucking do it. I saw a still of young Richie next to the R+ on the kissing bridge, and Reddies freaking out about WHAT IF, and I was like “that’d be cool but lol no they won’t actually do it.” But then they ACTUALLY DID IT. I’m grateful I saw the movie at the first possible showing because I DIDN’T see the still with young Richie where you can see the full R+E until after, so it was a surprise. This is again where I applaud Bill Hader’s performance, and the directing and script writing and all, because all of those little moments where Richie is just attuned to Eddie are so great. He’s always been the one Richie focused on most for jokes (defense mechansim!), but then calling out for Eddie every time there’s potential danger and they’re separated - when the bat wing fortune cookie is attacking Eddie, in Neibolt when the spider-head monster is temporarily gone, when the balloon starts inflating after the ritual and they’re moving apart. And then of course we have the whole end, his desperation over wanting to save Eddie, his inability to accept that it’s over. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! And god, like, he seems to just forget to even care about the whole Pennywise thing once Eddie’s hurt, he’s like “we gotta get him out of here” ignoring the “we still have to deal with this fucking clown” part of it entirely. On the lighter note though...the bickering! I LOVE THE BICKERING SO MUCH. In both movies, even during serious conversations, there’s so often Eddie and Richie bickering in the background (as well as main scene bickering, of course, like the hammock, or Richie teasing Eddie about getting married, his mom, his job, etc). In Chapter Two you can hear them bickering about Eddie saying he’s got these various ailments and Richie saying it’s in his head and he just reads shit on the internet while Bill and Bev talk about life, and down in the sewers Eddie has to pick on Richie bringing an actual token and they bicker about how that’s not gonna burn well neither will the inhaler. I LOVE IT. Also, in a story so focused on mirroring the past, Eddie should have kissed Richie out of the deadlights like Ben kissed Bev, that is all. I love every single thing about the scene with the three doors, but I especially love how those dumbasses, once Pennywise is no longer reaching for them, suddenly stop finding the dog behind a door deep in the sewers/cave/whatever suspicious??? They’re like, oh look this is fine, what a cute puppy that randomly made it down here??? What even, and I love it. The hammock scene is ridiculously adorable and Richie’s little sigh when Eddie’s sticking his foot in his face, so great. I have a lot to say about Eddie’s paralysis in the face of Richie being attacked, but honestly I feel that’s more Eddie than it is Reddie related so I’ll get there later, but Richie being the one to encourage him in this totally sincere way and then make the fat joke about Myra...in character af and a really charming scene despite the fact that, again, I am not a fan of fat jokes? That is just the language these two idiots speak. A moment of sincerity cannot possibly be left alone.  And on that note...

Eddie’s Death: okay that “paragraph” was very long so I’m making a separate bullet point for this, at least as it relates to Reddie. I could just quote line by line and be like “oh, shit, my heart” but that isn’t really relevant. Overall, that’s my sentiment as Richie is trying to save Eddie and so focused on him. But this is more about the “I fucked your mother” bit. I saw a lot of people upset about that, and others seemed to understand that it’s not a throwaway joke (like the post I JUST reblogged, but I was thinking about this before). Dumb jokes and bickering is their love language, duh. And I think in those moments, it legit made the most sense for Eddie to say “I fucked your mother” to Richie, the king of inappropriate your mom jokes (at least in reference to Eddie - I fucked your mom, Eddie’s mom’s vagina on Halloween, smells worse than Eddie’s mom’s slippers, etc.). I’m working on a theory that not only is that a communication of love/the importance of their relationship (like, he makes the effort to make that joke when he’s fucking DYING, something specifically for Richie), but about comfort. Dunno if it’s about comforting himself in the face of knowing he’s dying, or comforting Richie, or both, but...honestly, falling into a familiar pattern after all of this sincerity and fear just came pouring out of Richie makes perfect fucking sense to me. And, there’s also nearly a solid 2.5 minutes between cutting away from that scene and Richie running to join them in the final takedown (and tearing It’s fucking arm off, which is amazing, and I love Bev’s little shocked face right after that happens). There’s room for conversation, for sincere comments, if you want to imagine them there. But I’m not disappointed they didn’t do any real “I love you” moments or something, because I think we got a very in character and appropriate response. And I’ll say again, Richie’s anguish and denial, holy shit, my heart hurts. 

Eddie: Eddie Kaspbrak, my love. I was saving Eddie for last because I have so much to say but idek how to say it. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t expecting adult Eddie to have the same hyper, angry energy of kid Eddie, let alone an amped up version, but I LOVE THIS SMALL, ANGRY MAN. James Ransone was brilliant casting. When he was first cast (not that I knew who he was), I was like, eh he looks alright, we’ll see. But watching him in action and watching Jack Dylan Grazer in action, damn, they are well matched. And their eyes are very alike. But more than the physicality, just in general, damn he was a great Eddie. I’m not super solid on how well he matches up to book Eddie’s characterization overall, but if I see a major overlap in book and movie Eddie in any book scene, it’s when Eddie sprays his inhaler at the giant eyeball and just flips out: ““Fight It!” Eddie raved at the others. “It’s just a fucking Eye! Fight It! You hear me? Fight It, Bill! Kick the shit out of the sucker! Jesus Christ you fucking pussies I’m doing the Mashed Potatoes all over It AND I GOT A BROKEN ARM!”" But anyway. Movie Eddie. I love his angry bravado, because you KNOW so much is bravado. That one post that says Eddie has small dog syndrome is fucking legit. Eddie is hilarious throughout (again, kudos to James fucking Ransone), but then the emotional scenes? Oh my GOD the emotional scenes!!!  Eddie has moments of fear but still mostly maintains that bravado until the spider head thing attacks (even before it attacks Richie specifically, you can tell he’s pinned to the wall in fear). And after Richie is saved, and Bill comes to yell at him, BOOM the emotion kills me. That shield is gone and he’s just back to a scared little kid, and there’s such an emotional realness to the rest of his scenes (except when he’s bickering with Richie, of course). He’s scared and he’s hurt. And the way the Losers support him through that - Richie talking Eddie up to encourage him, reminding him all of the ways he’s been badass so far, and the entire interaction with Bev “This kills monsters” “Does it?” “If you believe it does.” His face, the gentleness of that scene, it kills me and I love them so much. It’s just a beautiful moment. Also beautiful on the other end of the spectrum is Eddie psyching himself up to save Richie this time, dammit, “IF YOU BELIEVE IT DOES! BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER!” And then his face! Actually, his face when he first sees Richie in the deadlights is worth mentioning, and his “holy shit!” and then happiness after (you know, until THAT happens). IT GIVES ME FEELINGS. Ummmm let’s see, oh, I fucking LOVE that they referenced the gazebo line holy shit! Imagine being Jack Dylan Grazer and having your improv from when you were 11/12 become not only one of the most iconic lines in the first movie, but get referenced in the second!!! For mirroring kind of purposes, when they go down the well, Eddie is the one to mention grey water first in both movies, love that. Also love that in the first movie he has the line about how 89% or whatever of home accidents happen in the bathroom, then he gets stabbed in the bathroom. Which, like, that scene? Again, he is so fucking FUNNY. The initial shock of “HOLY SHIT HE JUST GOT STABBED IN THE FACE” fights with “HIS RESPONSE IS SO DAMN FUNNY.” His faces all the way through to “you should cut that fucking mullet, it’s been like thirty years man” is GOOD. SHIT. I love Eddie Kaspbrak so much. Also the delivery of “what the fuck!” after the leper run in as an adult. Oh, and speaking of the leper, Eddie Kaspbrak saves the fucking day by helping them understand how to actually fucking kill It, the way he almost actually killed it earlier. He’s fucking dying and he has this realization, this way to help them, and I’m just gonna be a broken record of I LOVE EDDIE. And I love James Ransone’s portrayal (and Jack Dylan Grazer, for that matter, since I am talking about both movies kinda though mostly Chapter Two). 

...and that’s more than sufficient for now.