#but getting kudos mails every now and then just reminds me of that time

[sunny-mercya]

Hey, Brother do you still believe in one another?

02. Exhausted

Heiji Hattori x Male Reader | Platonic! Shinichi Kudo x Brother Reader

Fandom -> Detective Conan/Case Closed

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Lately I’ve been,

I’ve been losing sleep

Dreaming about the things that we could be

You didn’t want to get up and leaving the comfort of your bed nor the warmth it held. A warmth which was futile, since it couldn't stop the coldness you felt—a coldness which makes the body tremble and teeth clatter. Sometimes during the day it would hit you like a wave and bring you into an uncontrollable tremor.

Puffing out a sigh you turned to your side, snuggling deeper into the heavy blankets. Taking a glance at your frog-shaped clock, you closed your eyes for a few minutes. 

You knew sleeping would be impossible, still you tried for a nap every day after school. If it were up to you, you would lay in bed the whole day. You hadn’t felt this tired, no, exhausted since elementary school and all the way till middle school. 

Even when you so desperately wanted to sleep, you couldn’t and besides the 15 minutes of dozing, you didn’t know how much you could take of these sleepless nights anymore.

Stretching your body and throwing the blankets off, you got up. Time to get ready, you had promised Ran to come today and take the school worksheets and assessments, she had saved for Shinichi, with you. 

Oh, this reminded you to check your phone, again. 

Messages unable to send,

Number does not exist.

Resend?

Yes.

No.

About three months has passed since Shinichi has disappeared and still no sign of him. Neither call or message, not even a Mail. Absolut nothing. At first you thought, believed and hoped, after the first 3 Weeks of him gone—that he was simply solving a case somewhere out of Tokyo. 

But even when he would have a case, doesn’t matter where, he would have given you a call, Shinichi knew how worried and anxious you could get. You had sent messages without getting any sort of reply.

When you started to call him, one day, and got the Automatic voice of; This number does not exist, the realization had finally sunk in.

A realization that Shinichi wouldn’t come back anytime soon. And a tiny voice, far in the back, was telling nonstop, that Shinichi has died. Was dead and being buried nameless six feet under ground or just decaying away all lonesome by himself—because he hasn’t been found.

And yet you still daily checked your phone for a message from him or resending that one SMS over and over again. Even though you knew very well how useless and pointless it was.

Shinichi's disappearance was the restart point of your exhaust.

»Ah, Conan,«

When Conan turned around to give you a short greeting, the words died on his tongue. Sachiko hasn’t exaggerated with her worry of you.

It was last week, when Ran was meeting up with Sonoko and Sachiko for some Coffee and Cake. Sachiko had told them how much ~his~ Shinichi's disappearance has taken a toll on you. How you lack sleep and the focus for any- and everything. 

Sachiko feared that your state of mental health has been affected greatly by it. Sending you back into an endless spiral of harmful ways, bringing the depression—you had so desperately fought to overcome in middle school—back and shattering your, still in process, recovery completely and perhaps for finale.

Besides your worn-out look, you had managed to give Conan one of your genuine smiles with that certain gleam in your eyes. Taking Conan's school bag and shouldering it, you picked him up. Hugging him and smoothering Conans cheeks with kisses.

»Ne, [Name] don’t, I have a cold.« Conan tried to stop the affection you were giving him, as your older Brother it feels a tiny bit embarrassed. Huh? Wait, right. He wasn’t your older brother anymore, nor was he as of current Shinichi Kudo. Because Shinichi was now Conan Edogawa. You hummed with glee, tapping his mask-covered nose.

»And? Doesn’t gonna stop me, now let's get inside. I’m sure Ran has cooked some delicious food for you.«

You knocked shortly on the door of the Detective Agency, before opening it and stepping inside. Still carrying Conan in your arms.

»Hey Ran, I think the kiddo needs some cold medicine and some good food.« You said, not really taking notice of the other person in the room, as you sat Conan down on the couch and putting his bag on the floor. 

»Here, the kid shoulda drink this and his cold will be gone,« absentmindedly you’ve taken the cup, which had been pushed into your view. Mumbling a thanks to whoever it was, you gave it Conan. Now that you think about it, the voice sounded familiar. You turned around in confusion and came face to face with Heiji.

»Heiji? What are you doing here in Tokyo? You could have called me,«

»Sorry, I wanted to but I totally forget about it once I came here.« Heiji rubbed his neck sheeplish,

Ran cleared her throat, feeling a just a tiny bit awkward. Standing here and listen to your friendly chatter you were having with Hattori. A question for you formed itself on her tongue,

»You know each other?«

»Yeah we’re boyfriends,« you both answer at the same time. In such a causal tone, sounding as if it was already known.

And while Ran hummed, nodding her head, not really listening to what you both just said, Conan coughed violently at this and almost fall off the couch. 

So he is your Boyfriend? The mysterious person for your happiness.

Conan might be a bit, prejudicial, critical about this, but in his opinion Heiji wasn't the right person for you. You deserve only the best and surely there was someone out there, who was a far better match for you. 

»What do you mean, Shinichi has called Ran?« you asked, wanting to be sure you heard right. 

Before Heiji could answer you, Ran was quick to change the topic. She didn't want to upset you, not any further. You already looked worse and when you knew that Shinichi was only calling her and not once you, she didn't know how you take it and if your mental health would reach its final breaking point with it.

The upcoming disaster were already to start though. Your crestfallen expression has said it all. Ruffling Conans hair one last time, you stood up and taking the Folder from Ran. 

»Does Curry for tonight sounds good? Call me when your done with whatever Case,« you asked Heiji and without waiting for any answer you walked out of the office, giving a short wave of goodbye.

I won't sleep,

I can't breath,

Until you're resting here with me

[sasayan]

two of my fics have passed the 1k hits mark on ao3 and i’m just sitting here like .................... who’s reading this in november 2022???

[blastoisemonster]

Pokèmon World Magazine: Porygon Net (Various Issues)

We’ve had a very long streak of Photoset posts lately, didn’t we? Let’s have a little break from anime and tie-in games and let’s go back to oldschool Pokèmon and my favourite childhood magazine, Pokèmon World!

This summer I'm working on my own portfolio site: it's getting built from scratch and, due to the kind of art it's going to showcase, I'm designing its layout to look like one of those old personal pages a lot of Internet users used to have back in the first 2000s. This choice was also influenced by one of my childhood dreams, which was, infact, owning a corner of the Net all for myself; without the right equipment or spare money to purchase a domain, though, the idea of having my page online was only hypotetical, so all I could do was designing some cute layouts on Microsoft Frontpage and admiring what others were doing. Of course, as Pokèmon was my main interest at the time, I found the Porygon Net section of Pokèmon World mag to be extra inspirational.

Porygon Net was a very small section with just a double page: every month, the magazine's staff would choose and review an italian site dedicated to everyone's favourite monsters. These online corners were, most of the times, built by fellow readers and fans who sometimes even wrote back either by mailing the staff or boasting about it on their site's news section, thanking for the feature and the subsequent wave of new visitors. As these places were built by teens or even kids (I may have seen some online pages managed by 10 year olds at the time o.o), their quality varied greatly depending on their web-making skills: some were very simplistic, other more orderly and neat, and some... showed potential, but needed more work. Pokèmon World's staff, though, never mocked these attempts, and instead also published suggestions to make certain parts of the site more functional and pleasing to the eye. I found this very encouraging, and I wonder if many of these people have continued with a career in the online world.

I went and browsed among my mag issues to find some sites to showcase: I mostly picked the ones that stuck in my mind since reading about them, or that I actually used to visit back in the day. Wayback Machine may have not been kind to the italian community, and I fear the majority of these sites are now lost; however, I'll post links if, surprisingly, I find them still alive!

Issue 4: Pokemon Mania

The pictures have been displayed in chronological order, but I still would've chosen to display this site first as I used to actually visit it before it was featured on Pokèmon World. Due to its easy and straightforward name, Pokèmon Mania was one of the first fansites to show up on the search engine if you ever looked for more Pokèmon content. It was managed by a guy with the alias of Professor Kao, and the whole feeling of the site was that of a Pokemon lab at the start of your monster journey. Though it wasn't exactly a marvel in terms of layout esthetic, the site aimed to amaze with content: it had simple browser fangames, a section dedicated to drawing tutorials (with pictures taken from japanese sources- which at the time were very scarce and hard to get!), many sections dedicated to the Cardgame (apparently, the main focus of Kao's Pokèmon interests) and its live tournaments, and one centered on the monsters' trivia. One very interactive section even proposed quizzes given by the webmaster himself that visitors could answer via mail: Kao would then contact winners and even send out special official merch like Pokèmon Center plushies or other branded toys. Generous! This site has been preserved in the Wayback Machine with a lot of snapshots, though unfortunately without many graphics. We can still navigate and read most of the sections!

Issue 20: Pokemon Museum

My second site of choice striked me with its very homely layout: even looking at the snapshot in its article feels like I'm viewing a cozy corner of the Net, in which the webmaster poured its personal thoughts and passions more than providing a service like PokèmonMania did. The issue is number 20 and quite some months have passed: online trends regarding these kind of pages had changed a bit and now people preferred to offer their own content instead of copy-pasting what Nintendo produced. Pokèmon Museum's graphics have all been drawn by the owner, Kabutops: the background texture, banner, and a lot of the graphics all around the sections! Kudos for being to prolific and precise during a period in which digital art still hadn't reached its peak popularity, and drawing tablets were only restricted to professionals. Going past the many sections dedicated to the anime, games and lore, one interesting aspect was the beginning of affiliates: fellow webmasters were starting communicating with eachother and sharing their visits by dedicating a little button to other sites. I loved the affiliates section because, once finished looking through a site, I could click on the cute little rectangle banners and find myself in another home without passing from Google searches! But webmasters wouldn't affiliate with everyone, and for the purpose of only interacting with other best Pokèsites, awards had become popular as well: graphics that people would exchange after rating a site and feeling impressed with their content, presentation, or popularity. Pokèmon Museum's magazine review focused on its affiliates and the awards, inviting fellow readers to have their site reviewed by Kabutops. Unfortunately, the site is not present on Wayback Machine. I'll never know if Kabutops came back updating its museum after summer vacations :(

Issue 35: TBPS

Let's have another jump of several months; issue 35 featured a page under the bigger domain Pokevalley and named itself The Best Pokèmon Page, rather narcissistic! This was one of those rare times Pokèmon World featured an english-speaking site. The layout doesn't impress me too much, yet the fact that the header reads "Crystal Water Version" conveys that the webmaster(s) used to periodically change aspect and palette of their site, an activity that proved to be very prolific for many page owners at the time: sites were often in construction, and people were experimenting with different colours or HTML code tricks to impress viewers and reviewers, have as many affiliates as possible and collect positive awards from other sites. Such was popularity, back in the day! The site has a long menu with many sections dedicated to the main games and movies; although, none of those pages were catching anyone’s attention anymore as everyone had the same copypasted guides and info; instead, what’s interesting is the hefty section dedicated to browser games, the big menu with pages concerning the site and staff themselves, and the oekaki board! Oekakis were very popular in that period, as it allowed fellow aspiring artists to meet eachother and show off their own skills by drawing live! If a site hosted one, they could quickly become a melting pot of creativity. Wayback Machine, sadly, doesn’t have anything concerning this site as well.

Issue 36: Arcywof

We’re back on italian sites with a page that definitely impressed even Pokèmon World’s staff for its pleasing graphics. When I first saw this among the magazine’s pages... my eyes lit up! I can’t hide that after seeing its beautiful palette, checkered background and condensed menu, teen me adopted Arcy & The Fire Pkmn as design guru: many of my subsequent mockup pages had exactly this layout, or variations of it. It’s too bad, though, that aside from the beautiful presentation, the site’s contents aren’t exactly interesting: the Pokèmon images are ripped straight from Nintendo’s official archives, and most sections are concerning the anime’s characters, episode plots, and broadcasting dates. However, Arcywof also offers a forum and a live chat, which definitely helped the staff build an interactive and affectionate community around it. Among all reviewed here, I’m most bitter that Wayback Machine hasn’t archived this site, because seriously, it’s a little jewel ;w; its pastel colours and checkered texture remind me of candy shops!

Issue 38: Pokemon Super Site

I wanted to finish this little jump in the past with a positive note and show at least one more saved address from Wayback Machine. Although not in its updated version originally featured in Pokèmon World Issue 38, Pokèmon Super Site has been archived and it’s more or less complete to explore. It’s too bad a lot of the graphics haven’t survived but hey it’s something! It’s 2003, and the trend has changed once again: forums are as popular as ever and considered one of the most successful ways to build a solid audience for one’s own page, which are now treated more like portals or an extension to the forum itself. Super Site’s sections are centered on game guides, nothing too special, but I do love the grey and white grid background on menus and header, as if we’re viewing a notebook page; reminds me of school days. I also really like the gifs section as featured in the review, all those old graphics bring back so much memories of scouting the net to save them all on hard drive!

If you stumble upon one of these sites in Wayback Machine, chances are the ever present affiliates buttons will still be working, allowing you to visit even more fansites. It’s a true trip to the past, and a never ending source of inspiration for me!

[chosendestiny]

Wolf's awakening: Chapter 2

The trip to the city was quiet. The Guardian sat in her seat, with a distant look plastered on her face. It's been an hour or so since Ghost got the jumpship driving, and she didn't use this chance to sleep.  Her Ghost transmatted to her shoulder as he went to man the controls. Once he finished with that, he flew to her line of view. "I suppose you have questions." She nods as a response. "What am I?" She asks. "You are a Guardian. You protect the last city and the solar system from the Darkness." He chirps. "And what are the Fallen?"  "The Fallen are Scavengers - alien pirates picking at humanity's remains. There are different types of Fallen." Ghost shows various holographic imagines of the types of Fallen she met already; The shank, vandal, the Captain, and finally, the Archon. Ghost told her, "You already know about the Dreg, so I left them out."  As Ghost showed her the images of the Fallen, he explained their rank and who they were. The shank are drones used by the Fallen. They are used as scouts, fire support, and even a distraction. The stronger Fallen is a Vandal. They're stronger and in a higher class than the Dreg. Next was the Captain, they command of the Fallen Crew. Ghost showed the final image to the awoken. "And finally, this is the Archon. The one you saw before I transmatted you to the jumpship. They are the high priests of the Fallen." With that, his optic flickered, stopping the holographic presentation. "You got that, right?" She nods once again. "I can't believe I actually found you." He says. If he could smile with such happiness, he would. Ghost soon made a chirping sound as he looked out the window. He looked happy in a way. The little Ghost then turned to face his Guardian. "Now, we're about to reach the city," He said pleasantly. The jumpship continued soaring throughout the sky, driving towards a storm of thunder and lightning. As the ship maneuvered itself across the mountains, the clouds cleared, it glides into the light of the morning. And in front of the jumpship was a mountain range. The sight was beautiful. She wishes that she never gets tired of this view, hoping that this sight would always stay spontaneous. Soon later, Ghost and his Guardian saw an immense city sat below an enormous tower, so tall it nearly brushed the clouds. Floating above the city was this huge sphere.  The Guardian points at the sphere then turned to her Ghost. "That's the Traveler. It's the source of our light." He says. He faces his Guardian as he watched her look at everything with amazement, she reminds him of the children from the City. After the jumpship circled the large tower, it stopped above the platform.��The Guardian and her ghost transmatted from within the ship to a large plaza area. She looked up in the sky to see her jumpship fly away, and then she looked at her Ghost. "Welcome to the last safe City on earth. The only place the Traveler can still protect." Ghost's optic fixated at the Traveler. The awoken looked at the Traveler while attentively listening to her Ghost. He turned to face his Guardian, floating a few inches away from her face. "It took centuries to build. And now... We're counting every day it stands." He shot to the other side. "And this tower is where the Guardians live." The awoken looks around to see some people wear armour, while some people were wearing regular clothing. She had gotten a few stares from guardians and some workers. She thought that it might be because she was new. As she made her way around the plaza, she's heard mutters and whispers. "Do you think-?" "It can't be." "I thought she died.." "She's still alive!" "She looks different than how I remembered her." She decided to ignore it, thinking that it was meant for someone else. The awoken saw a small building with a robot inside. Her eyebrows pinched slightly as she narrowed her eyes towards the robot. "That's Kadi 55-30. She is the postmaster in the Tower. If you have any mail, lose any weapons or armour then you can go to her. Someway, somehow, she always has it ready

for you to pick up." She nods as confirmation.  "The Tower is run by a group called the Vanguard. They lead the three different classes: Hunter, Titan, and Warlock. You go to them to pick which class you'll be in, then you report to whichever class you pick. But if you ask me - I think you're a hunter. Based on how you fought the Fallen." Ghost continues. His tracker led his Guardian down the small yet wide flight of stairs. Down the stairs, there was a bunch of guardians there who were running and jumping around. She came to a halt once she saw a wall in front of her, and on either side of the wall were two short sets of stairs leading out to a hall. She went towards the right side of the wall, and the hall led to a large room with an entire wall of glass. In the room, there was a huge table with three guardians standing around it. It must be the Vanguard that Ghost told her about. Ghost drifted towards the three Guardians and circled them simultaneously. They shifted their attention from Ghost to the Guardian as she approached them. Their expression on her looked as if they saw something familiar, especially the one with the cape. He was about to open his mouth to say something but closed it instead. He put his finger over his mouth for a moment as if he was trying to find the right words to say, then clasped his hands together. "Well, hey there, stranger. Welcome to the tower. I'm guessing you're a hunter, but I might be a bit biased here." He says with a smile. She tilts her head, slowly processing what he said, and nods as a response.  "Excuse, Cayde. He seems a little excited to meet new guardians." The dark-skinned Guardian says. "He believes that he can tell who'll be a hunter." "Hey! I'm right almost all the time.. But hey, no pressure in picking your class." He assures the awoken Guardian before him. "I'm guessing your Ghost has informed you about the classes?" The woman asks. She nods as a response. “Guardian, this is the Vanguard. Ikora Rey, Zavala, and Cayde-6." ghost chimed. "Cayde leads the Hunter class, I lead the Warlock class, and Zavala, the Titan class. Hunter specializes in stealth and athletics. Warlocks have their knowledge, and Titans have their strength.” Ikora quickly explained. "Nice to meet you all." The Guardian quietly says. Ikora kindly smiles. "likewise, Guardian." "Have you picked your class yet?" The Titan, who the guardian believes is named Zavala asked. The awoken nods sheepishly. "My ghost says I should join the hunter class." Cayde did a little fist pump in the air. "Yes!" "You should've seen her. She was like woosh- boom! She was so agile!" Ghost exclaims. Ikora chuckles quietly, then faces the hunter. "Cayde, you know what to do. She's your responsibility. Teach her everything she needs to know." "Don't worry. She's in safe hands." He says as he motioned the young hunter over to him. She listened. "So, rookie. Do you have a name I can call you by?" He asks her. She looks over to Ghost, then back at Cayde. Ghost sighs, drifting close to Cayde. "Uh, she doesn't remember anything. Not even a name."  The two looked at the Guardian, who was nodding in agreement. "I see.. Well, you should make a name for yourself." He says. Cayde puts his hands over his eyes, slowly moving his hands apart from one another. "So, imagine this. You hunt down the enemies. You kill them and leave. The boss'll come to see them dead, then be like 'who did this?!'" Cayde continues as he deepens his voice. Then he turned to the other side on his knees. "I-it was The Guardian, sir." "The Guardian, eh? I'll just have to deal with this myself." Cayde's little play finished with a small bow and earned a small giggle from the young hunter. He got back up, and handed her a chest piece. "Take this, kid. It's wild in the woods, ya know. Make sure to keep your eyes clear." She nods and takes the chest plate, but it disappeared before she can try it on. "I thought you were gonna call her 'the Guardian'." Ghost argued. "No, I'll call her, kid. They'll call her the

Guardian. Get your facts checked, little ghost." Cayde points at Ghost. The little orb rolled his optic and looked at his guardian. "We should go see Banshee. I believe he has a gun for us." Ghost insists. "Wait, lemme see your gun." Cayde says. She hands him her auto rifle and watches Cayde examine it. "Wow, this gun's a mess. Kudos to you for making it out of the Cosmo with this thing. You'll definitely need a new gun from Banshee." He says as he gives the young hunter the gun back. The young hunter waved off before she ran left. Cayde waved her farewell as he watched her leave. "You don't think that was-" He sighs. "It's her. But you heard her Ghost, she doesn't remember anything." "And we'll keep it that way. You know the rules," Zavala interrupts. "I know, I know," Cayde says, looking down at the map before him. ----------------------------------- She followed her Ghost's directions to see an Exo in front of her. He was cleaning weapons. "This is Banshee-44, the gunsmith." Ghost says. The Exo looked up from the stash of guns laid out in front of him. "Morning, Guardian. You're new, right? Pick a gun. I've been keeping them cleaned and prepped. Won't jam. That's important." Banshee says. The hunter looks down at the guns laid out on the table. There was a hand cannon, pulse rifle, auto rifle, and scout rifle. It took a moment, but her eyes landed on the hand cannon. She picked it up and examined it.  "That's a Duke MK.10. The impact is good. You should switch your guns." Ghost suggests, and his guardian listened. She replaced her auto rifle with the hand cannon, putting the hand cannon in her holster while Ghost transmats her auto rifle in her backpack. "Before we go anywhere, we'll need an update on our ship. It's been out of action for years. So, we should go to see Amanda next. She's a pilot, but she personally repairs and modifies guardian's ships and sparrows. She also sells some. I sent her a transmission if she could give our ship some repairs, she gladly accepted." He said. She nods with her eyes fixated on Banshee. "Thank you, Banshee." She says, then left to meet Amanda. Banshee looks up, confused as to who said that but shrugged it off. Her ghost led her to the Hangar. She looked around the area, seeing that her ship was in one of the landing pads. She walked up the stairs to see a young woman with blonde hair, who was sitting atop one of the counters. "Morning. Names Amanda Holliday. I'm the Tower's shipwright." She stated with a southern accent. She held her hand out, and the hunter shook it. "The Arcadia Class ships always were resilient. Shame about the warp drive, though. Still, luckily you didn't explode on take off! I'll see if I can take care of this piece of work, then I'll get you a new ship." The hunter frowned slightly. "Do you think you can fix it?" "Yeah, why? You wanna keep it?" She nods. "If it's alright with you." "Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it, I'll get to work. While I'm at it, head to Zavala. I sent him what you need to get for me." She nods and made her way back to the room. She runs down the stairs and walks up to the Titan. "Hello, Guardian." "Hello." The hunter replies. "You must be here about the report, yes?" Zavala asks as he held the datapad. She nods as a response. "Holliday is a skilled technician." Zavala puts the datapad down. "Your ship is fixed, however, her report says you're missing a warp drive." He activates the holopad on the war table to show the Guardian an image of the warp drive. "Is there a way we can find another one?" Ghost asks. "There should be one in the Cosmodrome. Return there, and get the replacement." "We're on it." Ghost replies. He then transmits the guardian to the jumpship and drives it off orbit.

[lesmismignon]

replying to anon messages

In this post I shall reply to the messages that have been sitting in my inbox for a regrettably long period of time. (It is loooooong. Please click “keep reading” at your own risk.)

I’m not a very good correspondent. I’m very sorry. I never know what to say right off the bat, and then during 2019 and 2020 when I was mostly on hiatus, I would just post a chapter or two and poof back out, and on Tumblr I would browse a few things and then poof back out. I do not have a good track record with social media and online presence in general. And with real life problems (mostly due to work), at worst it was impossible to muster even the strength to write. It was maddening.

But there is something about Hellsing and its fandom that reels me back in even when I am far away. Excuse me if this sounds cheesy, but for me fandoms are like the orbit of a comet. If it is something that you loved, and will continue to love even when you are not “active” on it, you will come back to it, someday, somehow. I’ll always be grateful to Hellsing, for being an inspiration to write, for being a bridge to some of my dearest relationships, for some of the kindest messages I’ve ever received in my life.

you freed yourself for a job that was not good for you and related to toxic people (Integra-like – demanding the respect you deserve). That is badass brave – and that doesn’t become less by that fact that maybe the next job you got is not the end of the journey but still part of the way. And you are brave by sharing your work, sharing your stories revealing parts of your emotional world to the outside – that is totally bad as too. I think you can be very proud of you, really. So maybe right now, you might be in situation that does not yet make you happy in way you deserve it. But you know- there is big chance that this is part of your journey to this place – imagine, in some time from now, you may be a successful (brilliant you are already) author and in an interview you say something like “yes, back there in 2016/17 I went through some tough times, that influenced the work very much I got this price for today”. So just in case you maybe cannot see it right now yourself – please allow me to tell you – you are brave and wonderful. And re. the brave decision you mentioned – I know I am not in the position to tell you anything – but please do not do any harm to you. So, thank you so much for your work you share with the world, my life is better with it. Take care for yourself, you deserve the best. (so sorry, I am really not good with words, hope you get my point….)

Anon, this was the kindest thing you could have ever done for little 2016/17 me. Oh God. Time does fly by so fast. I want you to know that I read this message a long time ago, and it gave me strength to go on, even though I’m not sure if I am so brave, to be compared to our lady Integra >< I hope you are happy and safe, wherever you are. I hope you know how brave and wonderful *you* are. Thank you so much.

just wanted to drop by and say I love all your fanfictions! You capture Integra and Alucard's characters so well; I LOVE it. Take all the time you need updating. You deserve it. And good luck at your job! <3

Ah, I probably changed jobs like twice since then. But they have been all good and meaningful in their own ways. I really did not mean to take THIS long in updating but I hope that you enjoyed the recent updates if you are still reading, thank you so much!

Why can I not write here? I just wanted you to know I am grateful for the reading joys that are 'Snow White' and 'Satis'...

Thank you Anon! I am so glad you enjoyed them!

I LOVE SATIS SO MUCH YOUR WRITING IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND FLOWY AND IT MAKES ME CRY PLEASE KEEP UP THE BRILLIANT WORK!!

Thank you Anon! You give me too much praise, but I shall indeed try to keep it up!

Hey so please don't take this as me pressuring you but I absolutely adore Satis! Is there any chance we might know when the next update is coming in? Totally understand if not- it sounds like work is taking a lot out of you and I understand that you're writing fan fiction purely for fun but DAMN IF I DON'T WANT TO READ MORE OF YOUR FIC OMG I LOVE IT SO MUCH ASDFGHJKL!!!

I’m sorry it’s been ages! I’ll tell you my schedule(???) for this year instead! For this year of 2021 I really hope to average maybe at least 1 chapter a month but I don’t know how I’ll fare during the busy months. I hope you enjoyed the recent chapters if you are still reading!

@fierce-little-miana Can you believe that I have just noticed that I had given you any kudos for Snow White or Satis?! Sorry! Your stories are really worth all the praise we can give them. (so I corrected it) Have a nice day!

Thank you! I’m terribly sorry for this late reply. You’ve been so kind and sent so many lovely messages. Thank you again for each and every one of them!

@sinish-tem Hey sorryy for bothering you but. That ALutegra fic was AMAZING!!I LOVE IT!Amazing job sport<3

You’re not bothering me at all! Thank you old sport!

So I don't mean to rush you or be annoying or anything, but is Satis still happening? (plz plz say yes)

You’re not being annoying! I’m sorry it took so long! Yes :)

Hello! So, um, I have to ask... is Satis going to be updated? It’s just that it’s one of my absolute favorite stories by my absolute favorite author!

Thank you! I’m honored! I hope you enjoyed the recent chapters if you’re still reading!

Hi! Are you still around? Are you doing ok?

Yes, I am fine now, thank you :) I hope you are doing well, too!

@aniphine Hi! First off, I want to say that I absolutely love your writing style and am so looking forward to diving into all of your fics! I just finished Satis and it’s definitely in my Top 10 Fanfics ever, which is saying something! Thanks so much for writing it. On that note, I wanted to ask if you had plans to update it? If not, that’s totally cool - what you’ve written already is fantastic. But if so, I’d pledge my life to you in order to get a chance at reading more. 😆 Anyhoo, you’re awesome! 👋

Thank you so much! You are awesome too! I’m honored that Satis is in your top 10!!

@dontfuckingfollowmeifpornblog You still around?

I am now! Thank you!

@comixqueen Hello have I told you that I really love your Hellsing fics? ;u;/ They're among the best out there and I reread them often!

Thank you very much. That means a lot to me from you. Thank you for rereading, I’m always wary of my earlier writing but I’m glad if people still enjoy them.

I have never squealed higher than when I received the notification for the new chapter of Satis. You are a true blessing <3 thank you for your words

You are a blessing! Thank you so much!

Hello! I know you're not very active around here, but I just saw a trailer for a movie based on the letters of Vita and Virginia, and I was immediately reminded of Satis and the quotes you so expertly used in the narration, and I thought I might tell you in case you're interested in the movie (the title is literally Vita and Virginia) <3

Thank you Anon! I did see the trailer! I haven’t seen the movie yet though, but I will, eventually! I am so glad you think I did the quotes justice! It’s such a beautiful quote.

Not sure how to start this, might be a little bold, and yet; let me simply say that I am in love with your written works. In fact, so much so that I read it all again, and again. It never ceases to amaze. And as for you, the person behind it all, you do seem immensely precious as well. I hope that you have the most fantastic day, you deserve no less.

Anon, you are so very kind. Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am just an ordinary person unusually invested in a particular set of fictional characters xD and I am often late to things and a bad correspondent, but I must be doing something right if you’re sending me a message as lovely as this. Thank you again, I hope you are having fantastic days as well.

Honestly ive read your snow white fic years ago but I loved it insanely much and im about to read it again today ^.^

Thank you Anon! Ah, Snow White. I am very glad you still enjoy it. It is so old, and I wish I had the courage to edit it and spruce it up, or even update an extra or two...

Are you ever planning to continue Satis? I’m in love with that piece of work.

Thank you Anon! Yes! I hope you enjoyed the recent chapters!

My literal text to a friend of mine that's also a fan of Satis when I got the AO3 mail about the new chapter was: "NOW THEY'RE FINALLY STARTING TO BE *HAPPY* HOLIDAYS"

I am very glad I was able to bring you holiday cheer. Would it be bold of me if I say I aim to bring you non-holiday cheer as well, now? xD Thank you so much!

HEY JUST CAME HERE TO SAY I LOVE SATIS, OKAY BYYYYE

HELLO ANON! THANK YOUUUUU

[kirishwima]

I don't know if your requests are open (If they are not, you can ignore and delete this ask), but could please write RFA + Saeran and V reacting to MC neglecting them for work? Like she's super busy inviting party guests and isn't giving them enough attention, so they are all pouty about it? Thank you!! I love your writing ♥️

heyo! this is rly cute and honestly...given MC’s responsibilities it’s absoloutely normal she’d neglect them a bit for the party heheh

since you specified pronouns I’ll be using she/her for MC!

Let’s assume this is the second party the RFA is hosting ever since MC joined-so it’d be the first time the RFA can see her work up close, and since it’ll be a bigger event than the first party, the pressure is even higher!

YOOSUNG:

* He thinks MC is so cool and professional! Seiing her ducked over her laptop conducting e-mails and correspondance, frequently talking with caters and other necessary personel for the party to accommodate guests-he’s so happy his girlfriend is so efficient and smart!

* He does his best to help MC-bringing her snacks whilst she works, tries to be quieter as she works-no more yelling into his microphone whilst playing LOLOL lol, he’s just a supportive boyfriend all in all

* But as the day of the party approaches, MC is distant, the stress overtaking her as she focuses on her tasks.

* Yoosung tries to be understanding but-but then at night he waited for hours for MC to come to bed so he can cuddle her and sleep but she stayed up so late! And this is coming from Yoosung of all people!

* He couldn’t help it-the next morning he was Mr. Pouty McFrown.

* We’re talking full  blown exaggerated frown, with puffed cheeks and all. It was impossible for MC not to notice, even as she’d ducked her head onto her phone since early morning, replying yet to another e-mail of a guest asking for impossible tasks and questions.

* “What-what’s wrong?” she asked with a giggle as Yoosung leaned down in front of her, squishing his cheeks between his palms. She ruffled his hair, which only made him groan in disappointment.

* MC had to prod him a lot to answer, eventually switching from her teasing “Whaaat? Yoosungie, tell me what’s wrong~” to poking at his sides, earning little huffs of laughter as he tried to keep himself from laughing at the tickling sensation.

* She took advantage of that, tickling his sides until he couldn’t hold his frown any longer, laughing to the point of tears-neither of them realised when they ended up on the kitchen floor, MC on top of Yoosung as he pushed her hands away from his sides.

* They took a moment, looking to each other with fond smiles before Yoosung sighed in defeat. 

* “MC-you love me right?” he asked, his cheeks red.

* “Wha-of course I do! Why would you even ask me that?” MC felt almost offended at the question, prodding Yoosung with her gaze to talk.

* “Just-you’ve been so distant! I waited up for you to come to bed yesterday and you never did! I can’t-I don’t sleep that well if we don’t cuddle” he admitted with a pout. 

* MC had no retort to that. She simply leaned down, kissing him as she promised to pay more attention to him.

* And she’s never missed another night time cuddle session ever, ever again.

ZEN:

* You’d think he’d be really understanding, that he’d be sure to give MC the space and time she needs to work.

* But oh, you’d be very, very wrong-for Zen, the kinght, is in fact the biggest attention ho in the whole entire world.

* He will count the SECONDS between each hug and kiss from MC. And if it exceeds what he deems okay, he WILL come and demand those kisses for himself, work be damned.

* Is MC sitting on the couch with her phone, answering e-mails? Zen will plop himself onto the couch, shuffle beneath her hands and prop his chin on her chest beneath her phone with a pout.

* “Baby~ Where’s my afternoon kisses? Are you more interested in your phone than in me?” he’d teasingly ask, and well, it’s impossible to not lean down and kiss his ridiculous pout in moments like this.

* Jokes aside he’d be as helpful as he could, reminding MC to take frequent breaks and go to bed on time. He’d never admit he can’t sleep without holding her close but well-that’d be the truth.

* The days leading up to the party, MC would take her laptop with her even to bed, working on last-minute details that took all of her concentration-even Zen posing beside her, waggling his eyebrows did nothing to break her concentration

* Kudos to you MC because none of us could never-

* He’d have to take drastic measures-tackling her to give her cheeks, her nose, all of her face really peppered with little kisses, blowing a rasberry on her neck for good measure until she’s laughing and paying attention to him at long last so he can sneakily take the laptop away from her to properly lean over her and kiss her.

* Zen WILL get his cuddles and kisses. 

*Technology: 0, Zen: 1

JAEHEE:

* She’s a fellow workaholic so she completely understands MC’s need to focus-she’s the most supportive girlfriend, bringing MC coffee as she works, rubbing her shoulders if she’s been hunched over her computer for too long.

* Granted, once being an avid office worker herself, Jaehee knows when enough is enough, having MC take frequent breaks and eat proper meals. No neglecting self-care when Baehee’s around, nuh-uh!

* That being said, she’ll never really pout because MC isn’t giving her attention-even if she’s dying for a hug she’d never admit it, too embarassed to say so out loud.

* Until one night that is, 2 days before the party where MC is so focused on the flurry of last-minute e-mails the guests have sent, that she’s completely zoned in to her work, not noticing when the clock went well past-midnight.

* At first Jaehee quietly sat besides MC, working on some spreadsheets for the coffee shop, when she noticed the time-and how MC didn’t even look up even once, not even when Jaehee called out to her.

* “MC-” she started, “MC it’s late. Let’s go to bed.”

* MC simply shook her head, not even looking up. “You can go to bed first baby, I’ll join you later.”

* “MC-let’s both go to bed.”

* “Jaehee-”

* “I-” Jaehee started, looking away from MC who’d finally looked up from her work. “I can’t sleep-I can’t sleep without you. I suppose I’m too used to you beside me and...”

* She needn’t continue. MC was up in an instant, tugging Jaehee to their bedroom.

* This is as close to endearing as Jaehee will allow herself to be, and MC is NOT about to let this cuteness go to waste! Work can wait until the morning. 

JUMIN:

* He too is a known work-a-holic, and is actually great help when it comes to the party-he knows how to help MC maneuver around fussy guests and little mishaps, helping her plan it all to perfect detail.

* He’s not too upset at first when MC neglects him, focused more on the party than on him-in fact he’s very happy she’s so diligent, proud to call her his wife.

* As time went on however, Jumin felt more and more antsy-not even petting Elizabeth the 3d was enough, he still felt this odd, MC-shaped emptiness. 

* One evening he sat on the couch with MC beside him, her chin tucked onto her knees as she looked to her phone with an intense ferocity, typing away at yet another email.

* “Hm” Jumin hummed, “I find this rather odd.”

* “Hm? What’s odd?” MC asked, not looking up from her phone.

* Jumin sat there, looking to his glass of wine. “It’s been 13 hours and 45 minutes since the last time you’ve kissed me. This is odd-no, moreso, this is inexcusable. We must fix this immediatly.”

* MC grinned, putting down her phone as she shifted closer to Jumin.

* “And how do you propose we fix this?” she asked, her smirk a menace as she leaned closer to Jumin.

* “I can think of a few ways-shall I propose them to you?”

* MC was a breath away from his lips.

* “Please do.”

SEVEN/LUCIEL/SAEYOUNG:

* Sure he’s a goof, but he loves how diligent MC is, and respects her hard work so much-he’d hate to be the one to break her focus!

* So instead he quietly works away as MC sits besides him, typing with a flurry on her laptop, enough so that Saeyoung can’t help but wince sometimes as she pushes the keyboard buttons so hard it feels like she has a personal vendetta against them.

* He honestly never noticed how the hours flew by-and feeling her warmth next to him even in silence helped him get more work done than he ever managed to complete in one sitting without the presence of madam Vanderwood behind him lol

* But when he noticed that MC hasn’t even shifted her eyes away from her laptop for even a moment he knew he had to make her take a break. He’d hate if she ended up like him-what if her eyesight worsened? Or her neck got stiff because she’s hunched over that laptop?

* “Baby~ my honey bunny~ luz de mi vida~ moje med~ habibi~” he’d called out to her in every language he knew (only not really-he still has a couple more he’s saving for special occasions lol), only to be met with a frown and a raised brow from MC as she shifter her attention to him.

* “I love you!” he beamed, and ok, it’s impossible to stay mad at that cute smile-so MC simply rolled her eyes with a small grin. 

*“Mm, love you too-now let me get back to work Sae” she asked, but before she could shift her attention back to her computer, Saeyoung moved from his chair in a flush, dashing onto the couch she’d been sitting at, exchanging the laptop on her lap with-well, with himself.

* Sitting pretty on MC’s lap he wrapped his arms around her like a koala, nuzzling his face into her neck.

* “You’ve been neglecting your hero too much don’t you think? You’ve worked hard enough for today, now take your 707 to bed!”

* “Saeyoung-” MC started with a sigh “You’re heavy. I can’t lift you.”

* That made Saeyoung’s eye twinkle with mischief, a look MC was far too used to; before she could even utter ‘oh no’, Saeyoung got up, and with one smooth move, he had MC in his arms, holding her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

* “You can’t lift me, but I can lift you! And trust me I’ll be using that to it’s full~ advantage!” he grinned as he walked to the stairs with MC in tow. “Now off to bed we go!”

* Through his antics MC learnt to read between the lines; ‘im worried’, ‘you need rest’. How could she resist him when he’d been looking out for her in his own special way?

* So she let him take care of her, let him hold her by the waist as he slept with his face smooshed onto her back-and well, the guests could wait a few hours more before she answered to their pleas, now couldn’t they?

V/JIHYUN:

* Yes, it’s V, yes he’s super sweet, yes he’d be supportive of MC and her work-but let’s not forget that V is the leader of the RFA. He recognises how important MC’s role is, because he’s the one that gave her that role in the first place.

* He holds responsibility over her actions, so he’s the last person who’d try and distract her from her work. No, instead he’s twice as helpful, checking through every necessary thing with her, helping her answer demands from fussy guests, sharing some of the burden of calling and planning flower arrangements, catering and so forth. He’s the leader, and he’ll act like it, especially now that he can focus his undivided attention to the RFA.

* Sure, he misses lounging around with MC, being able to simply hold her close whilst watching old black and white movies, but that could wait.

* They’d transformed the living room into a make-shift office, papers scattered around the glass coffee table, MC sitting in front of the couch on the wooden floor with her laptop on the table-’it helps me stay focused’ she explained, and Jihyun didn’t argue it, merely brought some chair cushions to place on the floor so she could sit more comfortably.

* They’re the kind of silly couple that’d overwork themselves until they hear their stomachs growl, a reminder that they hadn’t eaten since morning and it’s now dark outside.

* With an awkward look to each other they’d laugh and take a break to cook something, still discussing the party even as they ate.

* Still, Jihyun would do his best to take care of MC’s health through it all, reminding her to drink water and eat well, even as he forgot to do so himself-but luckily MC did the same for him, and slowly they managed to fall into an easy rhythm of working and taking care of one another.

* At night as they lay in bed, MC is still typing away at her phone in the dark, checking her calendar and writing down any remidners needed for tomorrow’s work.

* In that moment, that’s when loneliness struck Jihyun. Laying besides her on his back, tilting his head to see her sitting cross legged on the bed, he pouted, stretching out his arm to poke MC on the thigh. 

* She simply responded with a grunt, her hair covering her face as she leaned over her phone. His frown deepening, Jihyun poked her again, and again until she turned to him with a questioning look.

* Jihyun didn’t say anything-merely extended his arms towards her making grabby fingers and exaggerating his pout until MC yielded with a laugh, putting her phone on the night stand to turn and huddle close onto Jihyun’s chest, hearing his relaxed sigh as she fit into his embrace.

* “Mm, that’s better” he whispered, trailing his fingers over her back, “I’d never want to distract you from your work-I’m thankful you’re putting in so much effort for the RFA but...I missed you” he admitted, earnign courage from the darkness of the room, the quietness saved from the hustle of the city outside.

* “I’ve been next to you the whole day baby” MC laughed, but Jihyun shook his head.

* He tugged her up to his face, kissed the tip of her nose, her lips. “Like this” he whispered, “I missed you like this.”

* He’s not a very vocal man when it comes to his emotions-so for him to reach the point of saying such a thing...well, MC has to make it up to him sOMEHOW. *wink wonk*

* And she did. *wink wonk intensifies*

SAERAN/RAY/UNKNOWN:

* It’s his first party as an official member of the RFA too, and he’s...honestly he just might be more stressed than MC lol.

* He’ll try his best not to show it, instead constantly asking MC if she needs any help, to the point that she had to shush him once as she made yet another typo in an email because of the distraction.

* So Saeran simply let her work on the couch as he sat beside her, fiddling with his own phone. He even opened up the RFA messenger a couple times, asking if anyone else needed any help-he knew that something deep in him was just trying to make up for all the things he’s done to hurt the RFA, a guilt that manifested itslef into over-willingness to help, but he couldn’t help it, needing to do something to prove himself.

* He rationally knew there’s no need to feel this guilt-after all in the end he’s the one that managed to help the RFA, finding his brother and saving the guests from Mint Eye’s plan in the party last year, but well, this and that are two different things.

* Either way, he felt furstrated, and looking at MC’s concentrated face didn’t help.

* So instead he decided to help in his own little ways; hiding away in the kitchen for a couple hours only to return with a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and warm tea, a fresh cut rose from the garden in one hand to leave like a little offering in front of MC; but she didn’t so much as look up from her laptop, too focused on her work.

* Saeran frowned, but didn’t try to distract her-instead he quietly put the cookies, tea and rose on the table, moving away before MC could so much as turn to look at him-though he doubted she would, too zoned in to even hear the clatter happening besides her.

* She only noticed a couple hours later, after the tea went cold, as she realised dusk had set, pink hues overtaking the sky-had she been working for so long? And Saeran, where is he-oh.

* On the arm chair next to the couch lay Saeran, his head tucked on his chin, resting on one side of the armchair with his eyes shut-only then did she turn and notice the cookies, the tea-the rose carefully placed behind her laptop...did he do all this for her?

* Gingerly MC got up, tiptoed around Saeran to pull out a blanket to cover him-the action must’ve roused him though, as his eyes fluttered open, catching MC as she unfolded the blanket.

* She smiled apologetically at him. “Sorry-I didn’t mean to wake you.”

* “And I didn’t mean to fall asleep” he said with a shake of his head, slowly moving to stretch as he extended his arms. 

* He noticed the pink sky, nodding to the balcony door. “Wanna take in some fresh air?”

* MC nodded, quietly following Saeran out to the balcony, grabbing a cookie from the plate first.

* She stood beside him as he leaned onto the railings, taking in the beauty of their little home-grown garden below, the chirping of birds in trees as they settled for the night to come. 

* MC cut the cookie in half, offering one part to him as she took a bite out of the other half.

* “I-I’m sorry, I never even noticed you made these. They’re delicious Saeran, thank you” she smiled.

* Saeran returned her smile with his own, brighter than the setting sun behind him. He clasped his hands around MC’s extended one, pushing it back to her chest. “I made them for you-I know you missed lunch so at least eating a snack could help you keep your energy levels up-um, I didn’t want to distract you but I wanted to help so...”

* MC shook her head, leaning up to place a kiss to the corner of Saeran’s lips, relishing in the pink blush on his cheeks, his nose.

* “You’re helping just by being besides me, thank you. I promise you this will be the best RFA party yet-I want you to enjoy it.”

* Seran’s smile grew wide. He looked to the woman he loved, the half cookie held near her chest, his heart fluttering.

* “I will. So long as you’re there with me, I will.”

* Anyway the moral of this story is IF YOUR BOYFRIEND MAKES YOU COOKIES DON’T IGNORE HIM. GIVE HIM A SMOOCH!!!! A SMOOCH MC!!!!!

-send me mystic messenger headcanons for character reactions-

-masterpost-

[panevanbuckley]

8,9 & 15

8. if you got a computer virus that deleted all your fics but had just enough time to save one before they were wiped out, which fic would you pick and why?

BABY, COME HOME

no question.

when I finished writing this fic, which seemed like it took for ages but I was so happy it was done, I knocked the wire charging my laptop. it's important to know my laptop battery is dead. as in it permanently resides at 0% and must be charged constantly. so, of course, I accidentally unplugged it and the whole thing shut down in less than a second.

I hadn't saved the word doc. I didn't have a name chosen yet. (this is why I now save every WIP as 'NEEDS A NAME' until an appropriate title is thought up 😂)

I panicked, rushed to plug it back in and turn it on, and then await with baited breath as word decided whether it wanted to restore it or not. that was the most stressful 5 minutes of my life, I swear.

if word hadn't restored it, I never would've rewritten that fic and it simply never would've been posted. ironically, that's now my most liked fic ever and I am forever grateful to word 😂

9. the “you got kudos“ e-mail is usually much appreciated, but is there a fic you wish you didn’t get these e-mails for? if so, which one and why?

omg definitely 'need you to show me love' because it's like one of my rare smut fics and I die of embarrassment every time I'm reminded of it (but I love and appreciate anyone who's read it and left kudos!)

15. describe (one of) your wip(s) in the weirdest/most contrived way possible!

two idiots are dating. they're in love. everyone knows it. their co-workers know it. their friends know it. hell, even the cat next door knows it. everyone but them can see the love in their eyes when they look at one another.

(that's not very creative but I suck at describing things 😂)

fanfic ask game

[balancingdiet]

Visitor

Detective Conan & Magic Kaito Characters: Kaito/Shinichi & Ran Words: 1430 ish Required Fic: Tabula Rasa  Extra: (1) (2) (3) (4)

In the midst of cleaning Shinichi’s mailbox, a visitor arrives.

Kaito sighed, flipping the cloth in half before going for the last scrub.

Without fail, Shinichi would demand Kaito to clean his mailbox whenever his doves—mainly Tamago—did their business on it, but for the first time, Shinichi wasn’t by his side, with arms crossed and observing eyes watching his every movement. It was currently still office hours and Shinichi wasn’t back home, but under the scorching sun and scattered clouds, Kaito decided to take the initiative and clean the mailbox earlier. He could procrastinate and wait to be dragged out later by Shinichi after he knocked off from work (which was usually what Kaito had done), but today he had to go to Jii’s bar to go through the plan for an upcoming heist; there were lots of tricks involved, and Kaito guessed the preparation might also drag overnight.

In fact, Kaito was already late for the meeting, and he shouldn't even bother with this literal shit—

“Excuse me?”

Kaito turned towards the voice.

His eyes widened.

Ao—?

Kaito pressed the cloth hard on the mailbox, almost enough to make a dent.

He fully turned instead, leaving the cloth on the mailbox as his hands swung by his body, looking weightless and free. That was what he always showed to everyone, but to him, more often than not, his hands felt like they were near a fire. Close enough to feel the heat, but not enough to burn.

Just like the night of—

“Ah,” Kaito heaved out a sigh and mustered a smile at Mouri Ran, who was standing before him with a piece of paper in her hand. “Can I help you?”

Ran smiled back.

And seeing that, an ache spread across Kaito’s chest, like a nail being struck against his heart with every beat.

But his face never falter to that pain.

(He wondered if his dad was proud at how he had mastered the poker-face.)

Ran showed him the paper. “I’m wondering if you know where exactly is this address?”

Kaito glimpsed at it (not like he really had to figure out what was written) before pointing at Shinichi’s house. “It’s this one.”

Ran bit her lower lip and glanced at the front door. “Do you know the person who lives here?”

Kaito wished he could laugh at the question. “Yeah, Kudo Shinichi.”

Ran nodded, as if Kaito had passed a test he didn’t know existed. But when her gaze drifted curiously between him and the mailbox, Kaito cleared his throat. “I’m his neighbour, I live there.” He pointed to his house.

“I see.” Ran’s voice was levelled, neither suspicious or kind.

“Anyway, are you looking for him?” Kaito asked, diverting her attention away from him.

Ran looked awkward at first, but she nodded her head in the end.

“He’s out though, most likely returning in the evening.”

“Hm.” Ran caressed the corners of the paper, lips pursed thin and tight. She let out a sigh later before raising her head to show him a smile again.

This time, Kaito had to look away, and he pretended he did so to pick up the cloth from the mailbox.

He could still relive short moments, and worse come to worst, stab himself if he couldn’t; but if he had to see another second of that smile—that smile that reminded him of what he had taken away from this earth—he supposed he might need to die.

He knew his heart well enough to know.

“Anyway, thank you,” Ran said after a short bow, but from Kaito’s sidelong glances, she showed no signs of leaving.

“Is there something wrong?” Kaito asked, his eyes still lowered at the mailbox.

Ran rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “... May I ask you to keep my appearance here a secret?”

Kaito finally found the energy to face Ran. He kept silent, hoping it would prompt her to continue.

“I, um... The thing is... we had a fight. And, well, I got angry at him and we haven’t spoken since.” Ran stared at the ground, her eyes and lips drooped simultaneously. “In fact, I haven’t decided what I want to do yet, so... I— I just don’t want him to know I’ve been here. That’s all.”

“Oh.” Kaito stroked his chin. “Did he cheat on you?”

“Ah, no!” Ran shook her head, her face and neck growing red. “We’re not— I mean... I’m... his friend. Just his friend. So it doesn’t matter if he has a girlfriend or what, but um— that’s not the point. Anyway, our fight has nothing to do with cheating.”

While staring at Ran’s frantic mode the entire time, Kaito decided to forgo the entire plan of teases he had prepared in his head. Besides, if he wanted to tease, the target should be Shinichi anyway—

But Kaito had already teased Shinichi before, back then when he came to retrieve the stolen mail from his house. He remembered asking if the mail was Ran’s love letter, and the cold respond from Shinichi’s voice and face was enough for Kaito to know he should never do that again.

And not just for that reason; Kaito supposed he owed Shinichi a favour when Kaito’s panic attack spiralled out of his control that particular night...

But in that case, should he also count the first night when Shinichi saved him from dying? And also how he didn’t send him to the police at his weakest moment? And what about the times when Shinichi did very unnecessary things, like visiting the hospital to see his performance, when Kaito actually brought it up as a joke...?

Shinichi sure had done a lot of things.

Kaito briefly shook his head, brushing away the thoughts and saving them for later.

“You don't have to explain anymore, I’m just throwing random guesses anyway,” Kaito said, in a way it was relevant to the truth. Shinichi never told him, but it was roughly simple to guess what their fight could be about.

(And it was a fight Kaito wished he had the privilege to go through.)

His words and the smile plastered on his face seemed enough to relax Ran and ease her out of her awkwardness and embarrassment. “So, can you keep this a secret?” she asked again.

“Sure, I promise.”

“Thank you.” Ran bowed. She then took a step back, preparing for a turn.

“Wait.”

She did.

“Time... doesn’t heal all wounds,” Kaito muttered.

Ran blinked. “I’m sorry?”

“Time doesn’t heal all wounds,” Kaito repeated, his voice stronger this time. “It’s what we do and the choices we make that lessens or distracts the pain.”

Ran gaped, but her eyes did more work of showing her mute surprise. And what followed after the silence was that little, slow understanding that seeped its way into her features.

“About the fight you had with him,” Kaito continued. “You said you haven’t figured out what to do, but I think you do know, and that’s why you came at the wrong timing; because you know what you should do, and you’re hesitant to do it.”

Ran let out a breath that mixed between a sigh and a laugh. “You think I should do it?”

“That’s how you can lessen your pain.”

“... Because time doesn’t heal all wounds.” Ran's eyes flickered to Shinichi’s front door, and Kaito caught her lower lip quivering.

“As for Shinichi,” Kaito began, easily guessing what Ran was thinking. “I think only if he knows you forgive him, then it will lessen his pain.”

“Does he...” Ran swallowed. “Is he in pain all these while?”

“I don't think I can answer for him.”

Ran nodded, seeming to agree. Then, to his mild surprise, she turned and looked into Kaito’s eyes.

“I hope you are okay too,” she said, holding her gaze.

Kaito couldn’t help but laugh, and it wasn’t entirely acting as his usual defence mechanism. “Do I look like I’m not?”

Ran parted her lips, but in the end she retracted her original words after a shake of her head. “Anyway, thank you, your words mean a lot to me.”

Dear Diary, What should I do?

“... It’s nothing.”

“It means something,” Ran affirmed. She then tugged onto her handbag, gave the house one last glance, before looking back at Kaito. “I’ll get going now. Thank you once again.”

With that, Ran turned and left.

Kaito waited, and waited a long while more, until he was sure he was far and safe enough to walk towards the same direction as where Ran had gone, for the train station to reach Jii’s bar.

Aside from planning, he might also need a pint or two tonight.

[dailyaudiobible]

03/07/2019 DAB Tranbscript

Numbers 8:1-9:23, Mark 13:14-37, Psalms 50:1-23, Proverbs 10:29-30

Today is the 7th day of March, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it's great to be here with you today like it is every day no matter what part of the week it is. But it's the end of another of our weeks together and they just…they just keep going by and then just keep going by until we complete our journey. So, it's is wonderful to be here around this Global Campfire bringing to a conclusion another of the weeks that we get to share together, and we’ll take the next step forward in the Scriptures. And we’ve been reading from the English Standard Version this week. And today numbers chapters 8 and 9.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for another week in Your word and we just keep marking the weeks and You just keep taking us deeper and we take to heart the words of the gospel of Mark today, “stay awake.” This seems to be the theme screaming out of the Gospels, “have eyes to see, stay away.” And we confess the slumber…the slumber of our lives, the way that we get so focused on whatever it is that's happening to make us uncomfortable. If we could just open our eyes, if we could just wake up and see the vastness of Your goodness and the eternal nature, the never ending-ness of it all and that we are in the middle of it, but that our vision is so narrowly focused that we can see, that we are just under the haze of life. We’re slumbering. Awaken us God that we might see You at work in this world in and among us, through us and all around us. We ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what’s going on around here. So, certainly stay tuned and stay connected in any way that you can.

Check out the Daily Audio Bible Shop. It is stocked with resources that are for this journey, including our…our journal, including all of the writing…like the journaling stuff. Yeah, if you've come this far in the Scriptures and don't have a journal you might…you might want to grab one somewhere. Every time that the Lord speaks something to you that's meaningful for your life it's such a helpful thing to just kind of document that, to write that down so that you don't forget so that you can go back and be reminded. So, that…those…those resources are available in the Shop.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There's a link on the homepage and I thank you with all of my heart profoundly for your partnership. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or if, you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button at the top or you can just dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi beautiful family this is Susan Schultz I’ve been a listener since 2012 but I don’t call in much but I have been the airport liaison for the More conference for seven years and I love you all so much and I pray for you all the time, especially the pilgrims and I love all my More ladies. Hi, I love you. Hope to see you all soon. But I just wanted to call to rejoice with Harold. I have learned through More conference and I even have a jacket that says it, “I can do hard things.” I started running at the ripe old age of 57 two…two summers ago and I have made it my goal to run a half marathon by my 60th birthday which is six 6/6/60. Hey Nora Lee, my other six 6/6/60 DABber. I know that what God has taught me through running is that I can do hard things and when I did my very first...the longest run I’ve ever done since my training started, I was listening to the DAB. It was an 11-mile run and I made it the whole way, but in the middle, I was rejoicing because Harold called in and said that he was saved, and I…I just couldn’t believe it. I mean it’s…we’ve been praying for him since January and I was so excited because my training started in January and he was training and I just…he’s been on my heart ever since. And, so, I just thank you all and love you all. And, so, thank you Jesus…

[singing starts] Have Your way Lord. Have Your way. Have Your way Lord. Have Your way. Have Your way Lord. Have your way. Have your way. Have your way. Someone needs you Lord now today. Someone needs you Lord now today. Someone needs you Lord now today. Have your way. Have your way. Someone’s crying Lord have your way. Someone’s crying Lord have your way. Someone’s crying Lord have your way. Have your way. Have your way [singing stops]. I’d like to ask for prayer for the family and friends of Caleb Mekins a 31-year-old minister who passed away in Ethiopia. This is Blessings Flow in Pennsylvania.

Hello Daily Audio Bible community this is Abiding in His Love from New York. It’s February 29th. This is my first-time calling in. I’ve been listening to the Daily Audio Bible on and off. Today I’m calling in…I actually struggle with calling in. I’ve been trying to call in but every time I put it off and I just want to reach out to the community to pray for myself as a parent for spiritual guidance in helping my daughter. She’s 12 years old and lately she’s been going through some tough times and struggle with self-defeating thoughts. Most days…her days are mostly overshadowed by just feeling oppressed. I know that’s not typical, that’s not of God and the Bible say that He came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. And I’m praying that over my daughter, that whatever spirit of oppression, depression or sadness or self-defeating thoughts, that those will be gone in the name of Jesus and for other parents who are struggling with adolescent children that may be going through the same thing, I pray dear God that we will use our weapon of praying to destroy whatever plans the devil has to destroy our children. So, I ask you guys to keep us in your prayer, to uplift us. My daughter is Kay. I thank you. God bless you.

Proud witness right here in this place it’s the light of God’s love all over my face all those who see me they ask me what’s up it’s the presence of God that’s filling my cup love overflowing in rivers and streams causing reflections visions and dreams dreams of the future reflections of the past visions and fulfillment of all that I’ve asked it could be a gesture a word or touch something so small can accomplish so much because it comes from you Father up in heaven above filling me with mercy wisdom and love helping me to be a blessing today to all those my Father whom you’ve sent my way someone who’s hurting someone in need yet all are desiring to somehow be freed so help us keep patient and do things your way help me dear Lord to have the right words to say someone’s confused about what they heard longing for the truth that comes only from your word there’s a powerful witness right here in this place it’s the light of your love all over my face

blindtony1016@gmail.com. Like to give a shout out to Brian, Jill, Max, China, China, Ezekiel and Christian, you know, the whole Hardin family. Thank you so much for this wonderful podcast for God’s Holy Spirit to flow. Keep it flowing y’all. And it was so nice hearing Jill’s voice again. I haven’t heard you in a long time. Sounds good.

Hello DAB listeners my name is Janice and I’m in Illinois. I’m here to report that I’m not just a DABber nor double DABber. I am a triple DABber. Because of a difficult trial I am going through right now I have many sleepless nights. So, instead of laying in my bed worrying and stewing over my troubles I listen to DABC and DAB for Kids and I let God’s words wash over me. I’ve been listening to Brian since the end of the first year of broadcasting DAB. China I was listening the year that you went to India with your dad. As a second-grade teacher in a Christian school I would use those DAB for Kids in my classroom. You were 11 years old. This year they are replaying that first year of DAB for kids. DABber’s, what a blessing it is to hear China and her dad teaching the Bible together. Then I listen to China, the grown-up. Oh my, what an incredible wisdom God has granted you China. So, I am a triple DABber and God’s word is carrying me through this, the most difficult time I’ve ever gone through. Thank, you China for obeying the Lord’s calling on your life. Thank you, Brian and Jill for bringing your children up at the feet of Jesus.

Hi this is Asia from Chicago it’s March 1st and I just heard Tony the Narrator or Tony the Narrator if you say it like him. Hey man. I’m so glad that you called in such a vulnerable spot. I just was really moved and heartbroken to hear you speaking and crying about your ex-wife and her boyfriend and it’s just so…I just can’t…I just…I can’t even fathom how hard marriage, loss, and divorce and marriage breakup could be. I…just this week had just a guy that he and I were talking and then we had a conversation and decided that we were gonna just be friends and it was so hard for me it was really sad. And I just can’t even imagine, I mean a hundredfold the anguish that you must be enduring right now, and I just want you to know that it’s okay to lament, it’s okay to grieve. It’s so hard. It’s not what we want. It’s never what we want, right? And we can do everything we can to distract ourselves. But I’m so proud of you for being brave and strong, for calling it like it is instead of, you know, putting a fake, a pseudo-silver lining over it. “Oh, it’s going to be fine, I’m good, Jesus is good.” Like those are all true things and it is good but brother, kudos to you for being strong and admitting when you are weak. And I’m here for you and I’m praying for you and I love you. This is Asia from Chicago.

[lexiepiper]

All of this! In addition, try to remember that each kudos is a person. A real, living, breathing person who read your 27k words and decided to press that little button to show you how much they enjoyed it. When I first started posting on Ao3 I didn’t appreciate kudos that much, but now I smile every time I get a kudos e-mail. I like to picture the people. A fic has 25 kudos? That’s a classroom. 100 kudos? Damn, that was my grade twelve year level. Go the other way though, and if there are even half a dozen kudos, that’s like if my entire D&D party took the time to read my work and leave a little notification of love in my inbox. As I learned to value every single kudos as a meaningful interaction with my work, it made me worry less about stats and appreciate more the individual feelings of validation.

Another thing? A lot of fics build their stats over time. Sure, with young, small fandoms, it can seem like there are fan favourites and that you’ll never get exposure. You fics are up there forever though, if you want them to be, and people will still be reading them far into the future. It may be little consolation if you want instant validation (I think every fic writer can relate to the little jump of excitement the first time you get an e-mail after posting something), but in the end, your creation will be loved throughout time by different people as they come across it. You may not be the most popular, but if your work makes people feel something, they’ll remember it. Some of my sweetest moments as a fic writer have been in random discord chats or reblogs where someone makes the connection that I wrote that obscure oneshot that left an impression on them when they read it half a decade ago. If you just keep creating the things that bring you joy, someone else will find joy in them too, and fandom circles are typically small enough that we run into each other over the years. Never underestimate the importance of your work, because readers are not an amalgamation of stats, they’re individual people who feel individual things, and that’s far more worthwhile to me than a couple of numbers.

Still, I know it can be disheartening. We all feel it sometimes. Whenever I read a fic I try to remind myself to comment, so that other people can feel validated too. Sometimes I still forget and feel a bit guilty about it, and I try to go back and leave validation. One writer I was recently reading had a little note at the end of their older works saying that they cherish comments and love to respond to them. That kind of thing could prompt a few more commenters, especially on older works, because they know you’re still there. The best strategy is to keep writing though, because you never know when something you create will touch the lives of strangers.

In the end, fandom is fluid. It always has been. People move, trends change, and maybe what you’re writing might not be the current flavour of the month, but you never know when your work will resonate with readers. Put your heart into it, and write for yourself. When I say that, though, what I mean is to write for the individual. Learn to treasure the readers that you do have, and write for people instead of numbers. You’ll be happier, and your writing will be far more beautiful for your enjoyment in the process.

the fandom i write for is pretty small (500 works) and i recently posted a five chapter 27k fic that i poured my heart into, however the kudos and comments on it were low. i’ve read other fics that have recently been posted and, well, i’ve been disappointed in them but they’ve had more kudos and comments than mine. how do i not get disheartened by not having much positive feedback on something i love?

Take heart in the fact that you love it. Being satisfied with something you’ve made is an astounding feat and you should be proud of that. 

You asked this question before I wrote my post about stats, so I’ll link you to that and then expand on one idea from it. 

Stats aren’t about quality. They’re about popularity. If you’re writing a big ship or a popular trope or you’re the first one to write a new idea that the fandom ends up falling in love with for some reason, then you’ll get bigger numbers. It’s more about luck than it is about talent. There’s no telling what will or won’t “hit” with the fandom, after all. 

Focus on telling a story that you find interesting, and telling it in a way that you’re happy with. Write the story you want to see in the world. That’s the only guaranteed positive you’ll ever get. 

Let’s see if the blog can help out with some ideas of what you can focus on when the comments and the kudos aren’t coming. What keeps you motivated that isn’t related to stats or interactions?

[khukei]

[BTS - Wings] Album Review

4 months late because I got busy with life but hey better late than never right? A mini album can be dissected in a day because there’s only 7 songs max, but in Wings we have 15 tracks to chew and digest. And that is my excuse. 

ANYWAY

So my friend (who is the culprit behind my conversion to KPOP), talked me into joining this nationwide bulk ordering movement for BTS’ Wings album. 

Wings is my very first physical Kpop album and honestly, I still feel a mild pang of guilt because I wanted to get SHINee’s 1 of 1 first since they were my first love in KPOP  but Wings came in the mail first so okay.  Forgive me, SHINee! 

 Now I understand why physical  KPOP albums sell so much despite the dominance of digital downloads. I mean wow. HD pictures, posters, photo cards and other merch. I also noticed that the CDs are just casually tucked in a page like it’s just an afterthought. The albums are also quite cheap. You’re basically just paying for the photo book. But I do use the CD because I like me some high quality audio. 

 So here are my thoughts on each track:  1.Intro: Boy Meets Evil  There are some interesting vocal effects/EQing going on here. Also the lyrics are really poetic. This is btw what got me into BTS in the first place, they sing about relevant issues and matters that young adults could really relate to.  Memorable line:   I threw my future away because I was drunk on dating

2.Blood Sweat & Tears

Ah, the title track. What else could I say? This is a masterpiece. The production is amazing. This was everyone’s jam in the last quarter of 2016. And V’s incredibly deep voice, wow. I like how they’re using the Spanish mode and incorporating trap hi hat things into the mix. Everyone’s using trap hi hat these days but this is the first time I’ve heard it used in a song with a Spanish beat and chord progression. It’s strange to me, but it works! 

Memorable line:  I wanna be addicted to your prison So I can’t serve anyone that’s not you Even though I know, I drink the poisonous Holy Grail 3.Begin (Jungkook solo)

The harmonization in this song is amazing. Kudos to the vocal arranger. And the lyrics are so meaningful and sweet. Jungkook’s singing is on point too, but that goes without saying.  Memorable line:  I feel like I’m going to die when hyung is sad When hyung is in pain, it hurts more than when I’m in pain 

  4.Lie (Jimin solo)

Blood Sweat and Tears is a music production treat, but in my opinion, Lie takes the prize in production quality. I like the incorporation of some Spanish elements in this album, it’s not a parody nor an imitation and it’s  really well done. Also, before I checked the lyrics I thought he was saying Karina Lie. The real line is caught in a lie. I have a friend named Karina so lol #MisheardLyrics

Memorable line:  Find the me that was innocent I can’t free myself from this lie Give me back my laughter

5.Stigma (V solo)

I’m going to mention again how much I am a fan of V’s deep voice. We take a sharp turn from a Spanish-y song to a more familiar RnB vibe on this one. And oh man, V’s high note genuinely surprised me The lyrics are once again very meaningful and vulnerable. This is really what sets BTS apart from other groups. Relevance. Relatableness. Authenticity. *applauds*

Memorable line: Deeper, deeper, the wound just gets deeper Like pieces of broken glass that I can’t reverse Deeper, it’s just the heart that hurts every day (You) who was punished in my stead, You who were only delicate and fragile 6.First Love (Suga solo) This one is a slow and mellow rap song. Well actually, if you ask me I’d call this a Spoken Word piece. It’s already very poetic just reading the English translation, how much more in its pure, unadulterated form. I really like how Suga’s voice is EQ’d here also. The overall vibe of this song reminds me of Kingdom hearts. I don’t know why.  I find it hard to jive with Suga’s rap flow in this song, but that’s probably just due to the language barrier. 

Memorable line: Even though I was gone for a long time Without repulsion You accepted me Without you there’s nothing After the dawn, two of us We welcomed the morning together Don’t let go of my hand forever, I won’t let go of you again either 7.Reflection (Rap Monster solo)

Here is one sad/creepy sounding song. The synth parts remind me for some reason of Creepshow. You know, Stephen King’s horror anthology films in the 80′s. The instrumental part after the first verse could really pass off as Creepshow’s soundtrack. The slow pulsing delays adds even more to the melancholy yet creepy vibe of this song. Mentioning Creepshow probably ruined the moment, but I can’t help it! But yeah, this song is really-- how many times did I say meaningful already?!

Memorable line:  In the darkness, people look happier than the day

8.MAMA (J-Hope solo) This is my favorite track in the whole album simply because it’s upbeat and more cheerful compared to the other darker, more somber songs in the earlier parts of this album. I’m biased towards happy songs. The general vibe of this track reminds me of happy go lucky rap songs in the 90s and that’s because of the bass line. The short and subtle choir parts near the end was also a nice touch.  

Memorable line:  You were like fertilizer to a budding plant Now I’m a flower, I’ll be your flower path 9.Awake (Jin solo)

From upbeat hip hop we then transition to a sentimental orchestra fusion song. Because BTS is cool like that. This is my second favorite song. There is real tension and release going on here that will really take you up on a ride. Or maybe that’s just me. The melodic hooks really stick with you and touch your heart. The bridge is the best part here. 

Memorable line: Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky Still, I want to stretch my hand out I want to run, just a bit more 10.Lost This song starts off with with the familiar Spanish vibe with the acoustic guitar and RnB chords but then when we get to the chorus it suddenly changes to this very loud, in your face Dubstep phrase that for some reason, works! 

Memorable line:  I didn’t know there were this many Paths I can’t go and paths I can’t take I never felt this way before Am I becoming an adult?

11.BTS Cypher Pt. 4  

A very angsty song about the struggles of being an idol. This type of sound isn’t really my cup of tea. But the lyrics make up for it. 

Memorable line:  I’m sorry bae because I’m breathing I’m sorry bae because I’m so healthy 

12.Am I Wrong 

I’m not a fan of country music. And this song is kind of like a fusion. And even though it’s not completely country the main riff is annoying to me. Hill Billies suddenly come to mind. But as usual the lyrics is the redeeming factor so I still appreciate this song. 

Memorable line:  If what you see on the news is nothing to you If that comment is nothing to you If that hatred is nothing to you You’re not normal, you’re abnormal 

13.21st Century Girls 

Yey for women empowerment!! And here we go again with the Spanish beat!  Did BTS go to Spain or something? Anyway, this song is too loud and aggressive for me. It does have its moments, but I wouldn’t put this on any of my playlists because I’m an old soul who prefers smooth grooves. 

Memorable line:  If anyone keeps insulting you (insulting you) Tell em you’re my lady, go tell them (tell them) Whatever other people say, whatever this world tells you You’re the best to me just the way you are

14.Two! Three!   

I thought this was going to be another one with the melancholy feel but I’m glad I was proven wrong when the beat picked up after the intro. Thank you!  This is like the cool down part of your cardio exercise as it is more toned down and less aggressive. Oh and the choir parts near the end are heavenly!! 

Memorable line:  Me, a shadow behind the stage, me, in the depth of darkness I didn’t want to show everything including my pain But because I’m still unaccustomed I just wanted to make you smile I wanted to do good 

  15.Interlude: Wings   I was not expecting an upbeat party/club kind of song. But somehow it makes sense. After your cool down exercise you go straight to the club to end the day. I’m not the partying type, but that’s just the vibe I’m getting from this song. It’s makes sense as the closing song. 

Memorable line: I trust myself, Since the reason why my back hurts Is so that wings can sprout 

 Final thoughts: 

I’ve already mentioned this, but what the heck, I’ll say it again! What I really like about BTS is the authenticity in their lyrics. I may not always like their music, but the words always get to me. It takes a great amount of courage for young men to be openly vulnerable, and that, for me, is very endearing.  The general theme of this album are: Depression, confusion, loss of innocence, young love, the yearning to return to happier times, mental illness... aka struggles of being an adolescent. Aka growing up. 

Speaking of mental illness, I noticed that the ordering of the tracks have a kind of bipolar feel to it due to the sudden and contrasting mood transitions of each song. Without studying the lyrics the track order might not make sense to the listener, but it all comes together nicely when you look at the lyrics. I saw what you did there, BTS. Very clever. Kudos to you all. 

For me what makes BTS very appealing to a lot of people is that they talk about very human experiences in their songs that everybody can relate to (especially adolescents). While a lot of other groups send you off to to dreamland with their perfection, BTS brings you down to earth with the harsh realities of our time and compel you to think about how you’re living your life. And that, is what I think sets them apart. 

Rating: 8/10

[curiouselfqueen]

Just needed to vent a little: I've been staring at my apartment and getting into my head about all the things that need to get done and what I should be doing.... I've not been working for a while and feel like I definitely could have gotten a lot more done by now than I have... it's frustrating and exhausting at the same time. I feel like I'm bouncing back and forth between trying to let myself off the hook and trying to make the best of the situation...I don't know if I'm doing the right thing

I’m always here whenever anyone needs to vent <3  Hopefully writing some of it out helped at least a little. You didn’t specifically ask for this, but I’m going to give some general encouragement and then some advice based on the info I have. (Of course, feel free to skip the rest of this if all you needed was to vent, but someone else may need it.)

First, my favorite bit of general encouragement:

You are at 100% survival rate.

You have made it through everything life has thrown at you so far. Don’t give up now. You are strong. (Though you don’t have to be every single second.) You have contributed to this world and will continue to do so. No matter to what degree, that’s important. There is something in this world that wouldn’t be as it is now because of something you said or did. Don’t you want to figure out what that next thing might be?

More under the cut because this is getting long (resources included):

It seems like you’re sheltering in place, which is good! That is what we’ve been asked to do. That in itself is good. However, remember that it is okay to go outside - check the mail, take a walk around the block. Your mental health is important right now.

As for working or not being productive... I feel you. One thing to remember is that our brains are focused on what is happening right now and there is uncertainty - even if you’re not dousing yourself in news, etc. Generally, I’d say it’s fine to give yourself a break. But I know that I sometimes feel better being active or participating in a task that I can see progress on. That said, some ideas and resources are below. Take them or leave them (though I’d be very interested to get feedback)

Cleaning

If you’d like to be cleaning but don’t know where to start or are overwhelmed, I sometimes turn to FlyLady which breaks tasks down into manageable bits (one thing at a time, a focused area, time limits, etc.)

@unfuckyourhabitat is a good resource here on tumblr; especially for inspirational before/after pics!

Self-care

I have a tag dedicated to self-care (x) - there are reminders but also some concrete things to do in some posts.

Hufflemum -- you can also follow me on twitter for self-care reminders (if you hit the bell icon, you can get notifications)

Mental help (most important)

7 Cups is an amazing online resource with free trained Listeners, plus access to counsellors and therapists (paid, but at a reasonable price for the service) 

Better Help offers online therapy as well, though I don’t remember their pay scale.

CHECK YOUR BENEFITS! If you’re still enrolled in healthcare benefits through work, double-check what those cover. You may have counselling sessions included or may be able to have sessions partially or fully covered.

General advise for keeping busy

The other day someone advised me to start planning out my days - down to the hour. That might be excessive, but planning can help, especially if you feel like you have a lot of projects. You don’t have to get everything done at once. Work on it for a while, then move on knowing you’ll come back to it.

I’m naturally much more go-with-the-flow so I kinda do one thing, then do the next thing I see and let that carry me on until I’m done with that method. (i.e. Pick up a dirty cup, go put it in the kitchen; notice something else is out of place and go put that away; notice then that __ needs to be cleaned, etc.)

Work out!

FitOn is a free app and they have all kinds of workouts in various lengths. They’ll even send you reminders if you want them

YouTube is also overflowing with free workouts and yoga. My favorite is Blogilaties (pilates without any crazy equipment)

Crank up the music and dance!

Do something kind for someone else

Look into local volunteer work currently needed

Write letters to family and friends

Send encouraging messages on tumblr

Leave kudos and comments on fics! (!!!) and fanart! - or reblog with positivity in the tags. You’ll definitely make someone’s day this way, guaranteed. 

Those are the things I’ve used in the past or currently turn to most often. Obviously, this is in no way a complete list. I hope it helps though.

If anyone else has ideas or resources, please comment or reblog and add on

<3

Go drink some water, wash your hands, and be kind to yourself

[chroniclesofa]

Creating balance when Life shows up

It has been  a hectic 2 weeks  at home. Phill my husband is on a new TV show and that just premiered last week. He was just promoted to location manager and  work life is hectic.  He has had severe nose bleeds the past 2 weeks that resulted in numerous emergency rooms , urgent care visit and consultation visits with his ENT doctor. I did not realize that ENT doctors are hard to find in ER hospitals. We live in Los Angeles and I can say 3 different ER hospital visits and no ENT doctor unless you are bleeding out. In one hospital you have to literally drive yourself to a hospital with a ENT doctor after they patch you up.  I now have knowledge which hospitals to go and that is the kind of information one has to have in our state of  the health industry. 

My work specially at the end of the month is busy and entails a lot of concentration . I work in customer service and handles the company’s #1 customer. 

It feels like life has been showing up with such intensity lately. Phill’s dad passed away and we are suppose to go to Connecticut for his memorial on Thursday . Phill is facing a possible surgery on Tuesday and we will not know until tomorrow the prognosis . We are both attempting to balance work  and what life is bringing . There is uncertaint , fear , stress and chaos.

We have been in this situation before and  maybe not the same circumstance but the feelings are the same . The feelings of trying to restore some kind of sanity when the world is so uncertain .

In spite of being familiar with addressing what life brings  I am reminded today of the tools that I have to keep me sane and present .

I work in a Textile manufacturing company. My work day starts at waking up at 3:30 am everyday so I can be at my home office at 4:30 am ready  to answer phone calls  and emails. My main customers are back east in a different time zone.  I do not have the same stress as an Emergency room hospital  but stress comes in different forms . Chaos in my industry can mean a late delivery that is expected at 6 am Eastern time and that means I am not even awake in my time zone .

I have learned some tools to help me restore some kind of balance at work and at home. 

At work I am excellent at anticipating customer needs . I have worked with logistic companies to automate tracking of urgent freight deliveries. My customer knows if a delivery is late while I am barely waking up in Los Angeles. I wake up at emails with a mixed bag of grateful customer that received his order  or delays because of myriad reasons like weather, accidents  etc. One time a driver literally walked away from his truck and left a load in Kentucky . The freight company had to get the highway patrol involve in this situation.  It is amazing what one email can do so my customers can make the necessary adjustment on their end and make life a little better. Communication is key always in my job.  I provide information even before my customers will ask for it.  It eliminates unnecessary panic for all of us. I am good at anticipating customer needs and I reap the rewards later . I have to say I have a folder that is called Kudos . I read it when I need motivation .

We all approach work differently regardless of what we do.. My engineering background allows me to look at everything like a picture in landscape . It has allowed me the flexibility to prioritize specially when deadlines are involved. I work 2 hours from home and I tackle LA traffic at 6:30 am . I have learned to face traffic by listening to NPR on the way to work.  Listening to news and keeping up to  date with the world gives me a sense of connection. It relaxes me  and keeps me present. If you heard about driving in Los Angeles I can tell you it is not fun specially if  you pass by downtown or when the President is in town. Listening to news that in other parts of the world food is scarce and human rights does not exist transforms my traffic frustrations  to gratitude . My traffic turmoils is nothing to being faced without food to eat . This too, traffic  that is will pass and in some days when school is off I get some reprieve. 

7:30 am most of the time I make it on time and that means mid morning back east . I have voice mails to address, emails to answer, orders to enter while new phone calls and emails keep coming.This is where the art of prioritizing comes. I look at the landscape that is my work load and address which comes first . I will tackle from high priority to least . It varies what is immediate . 13 years of customer service and working for my company has given me some kind of wisdom to tackle multiple screens of incoming emails and switching from one Oracle screen to the other. My moments can vary from entering an order, answering a phone call, giving out product information and pricing, addressing an emergency order that might deliver same day in Rochester New York or Florida, tracking an order that was misrouted , addressing an inventory alert that means shorting a high profile order/customer  or just helping a customer in panic on the other line of the phone.  How do I handle all of these and maintain a semblance of balance ? There are days I  handle it well. There are days that are tough and needs a lot of self acceptance .I read some emails from my Kudos folder to keep me going .

I learned certain things that I do at work to maintain balance. I have an Apple watch that alerts me to stand when I am sitting too long and alerts me to take deep breaths to self regulate. I also hydrate at work and I measure my water intake. I drink half my body weight in ounces .I take my 15 minute walk at 11:30 pm most of the time regardless of how hectic my day is. Sitting down for long hours is not good for my body so I stretch whenever I can even when I am sitting down. I also bring healthy food choices most of the time . It is so easy to eat mindlessly specially at the office. I always have some protein  and fresh or dried fruit . On Monday’s  I dress up to show up for work. I take pride in the fashion I bring to work specially on a Monday because sometimes a weekend like mine right now can feel dragging . 

How do I stay focus at work specially now that Phill is not well ? I always sleep early during a work week and that means 8:30 am . We had to deal with ER last Thursday and got home at 1:00 am . That means it was impossible to work the following day . It was good time to take a sick day .  I have a day left after this and lots of vacation days. I normally have healthy boundaries and so does my husband . We are both in work modes when we are at work . We only call each other if there is an emergency  so we are not interrupted. 

Outside of work  I have learned some kind of physical activity helps with restoring balance. I have done 2 half marathons and discovered that I have the discipline to follow training for a race.  The same discipline that  allows me to carve time  , a  me time to what my doctor say  “pump the heart” . My  Apple Watch monitors my resting heart rate too . My vitals on a recent physical is good and no kind of medications are needed to keep up with life. My husband leads an online Health and Fitness program and I join so I can refocus on well being.  Food has been my source of comfort growing up so stress can make me seek out what will make me feel better instantly but not in the long run. I do yoga although I am working on a regular practice.  I subscribe to Farm Fresh that allows me to have fresh fruit and vegetables delivered.  I am lucky to live where organic store is just a 10 minute walk . I can literally go to market everyday if there is time for it. I food prep during the weekend so our food at home is set for the week. This ensures that fast food is a less tempting choice.

My husband and I also have health insurance that allows us to go to Therapy . Yes we talk to a professional that can listen to us without any agenda except for our individual well being. Mental state is important to face our  life . Although we are married we have different past experiences. There are things that only a trained therapist can address . I am grateful I can talk to someone every Thursday and have someone see my life and struggles from a different perspective. I have life trauma like death and grief  that therapy addresses. I have learned what I can do to soothe myself. Music and concerts helps. I do aromatherapy at home and essential oils keeps me grounded. I live near Griffith Park and I am grateful I can just  close my  front door and take a hike if I need some balance.  I also live close to a yoga studio so I can walk with my mat if my head needs some clearing .We live close to the Greek Theater so we are fortunate that we can walk and see a concert during the summer. I love trees and I happen to live in a street lined up with very old trees. On days that life is uncertain I find solace at looking at this magnificent tree outside my window . The tree ressures me that all is well in the world and enables me to stay focus in the moment . Today as I scribble this, it is Sunday afternoon. Our English bulldog is contently snoring in the background. I had groceries delivered so I can be a nurse to my husband. Right now I can breathe and say I am ok and I am present.