#but every single day is getting worse
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Nobody told me as a kid that when you grow up you’ll hate being alive.
#I can’t even vent about what happened#it’s too personal and too gross#but every single day is getting worse#plus I’m sick as hell and I’m not getting better#which is involved in this whole fucking fiasco#my luck is getting worse and worse and worse every single day#WHAT IS NEXT#oh my god oh my god#I want to kill the person at fault#I will barely make it through the rest of this weekend#I feel cold#my post
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unrequited (in more ways than one)
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#these lines of hers are seared into my brain dude#i think about them every single day. Every day#vivian cares about mario so so so much.but she doesnt have the confidence to say it#meanwhile goombella is dealing with her own feelings.not knowing whats the right thing to do#and vivian's obvious anxiety over it all just makes her feel worse about it#the unrequited triangle dude. ough#on my hands and knees. weeping crying ect#sorry for hurting them itll get better from here i promise#paper mario the thousand year door#paper mario ttyd#paper mario#ttyd#vivian#vivian ttyd#goombella#goombella ttyd#implied vivibella and marvian (? is that the shipname. for mario and vivian.)#i dont. know#also implied marvibella#vivibella
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Yk I never did truly recover from the sick fic chapter
#one day im gonna make a post overanalyzing every single frame from this chapter bc its just so good#everything from how confused sakura looks at the idea of them coming to visit him when hes sick#to suo suggesting they leave bc he knows them staying here the now will only make him worse/uncomfortable which is the last thing he needs#bc yeah although he shouldn't and doesnt have to hes used to dealing w/ things like this alone#hes convinced he needs to and thats not smth you can just expect to change from one visit#still i need my hurt/comfort sick fic sequel please and thank you#so we can get a full circle of sakuras character development where he actually lets them help/asks for it#and NO im NOT projecting 🙅♀️#i DONT just wanna see my son getting comforted through his sickness when hes at his most vulnerable nuh uh 🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️#wind breaker#wind breaker spoilers#sakura haruka#ALSO ALL THIS ^^ WITHOUT EVEN MENTIONING THE REASON HES SICK IN THE FIRST PLACE LIKE????#MY SON WAS SO EMOTIONALY CONFLICTED AND CONFUSED THAT HE GAVE HIMSELF A FEVER 😭😭😭😭#ALSO also i seriously cannot get iver how scared he looks in the last panel like ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️#ok im going off in these tags rn i need to stop fr
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I can't imagine being anywhere near as insane as Trump supporters because my dad told me that he, earlier, drove past a guy putting a "Harris Walz 2024" sign outside his house and decided to yell out at him "TRUMP 2024 YOU COCKSUCKER" and flip him off. And he laughed when he told me because he thinks that yelling at a man (emphasized man because he thinks men should be "better" than women, and "better" would be voting for Trump in this case) who is voting for a "whore who slept her way to the top" (his exact words) is funny. And expected me to laugh with him. And got angry when I didn't and just stared at him in disbelief. Even though he already knows that I don't like Donald Trump. These people fully expect others to find their weird ass derogatory words and behavior FUNNY. Donald Trump is leading a cult of old people who he brainwashed into being delusional with him.
#vote blue#harris walz 2024#kamala harris#tim walz#i know some fucker is gonna be here saying like “it's true i was the tree”#i didn't see this with my own two eyes but i've lived 21 years with my dad and i HAVE seen him do shit like this#but it was mostly just honking at random people on the sidewalk or yelling “WHERE Y'GOING” in their direction out the window#like it's still embarrassing and weird but not derogatory#and since being retired and having nothing to do all day except watch trump and more trump and more trump he has gotten worse#not a day has gone by in the last four months where he hasn't insulted joe biden or kamala harris#and every single time he has expected my brother and i to laugh at his insult even though he knows that we don't like trump#it's so depressing watching your own parent become a worse person#he was already one of the insufferable republicans before trump and now he's a trump republican which is even worse#and yk what's even worse it's that my mom has no spine against men so if her boyfriend asks for her to vote trump she'll be like “okay”#she's not a republican she just doesn't care because she thinks voting doesn't matter#my aunt who i have always loved so much now calls up my dad to talk about trump with him and i never heard her swear until this year#my other aunt makes talking about trump her entire personality when she has a gambling addiction she should be treating instead#my dad's side is a bunch of trump supporters and my mom's side just doesn't give a fuck#and i can't vote because i'll get kicked out of here faster than the speed of light the second my dad sees#the paper in the mail saying that my voter history has been updated#even if it's not public who i voted for because he knows that whoever i vote for will never be trump#sorry#tag vent#this sucks#please vote
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honestly i could write essay after essay about everything that made that finale bad. and i will. however comma i genuinely do not care about any of these characters enough to want to do that. i don't want to spend my time critiquing and analysing a show where all the characters are boring and the plot is all deus ex machina.
LIKE. WHO IS RUBY. WHO IS SHE. WHO FUCKING IS SHE.
she's done with the whole SEASON. she was in EVERY episode. and we literally don't know anything about her apart from the whole mom mystery thing which is all for the big reveal at the end anyway?
and i can talk about the ways in which that was unsatisfying and so on. but like what does that tell us about RUBY? what do we know about HER
and the answer is honestly very little. ruby is such a stock doctor who companion that it's just kind of boring. she gets a big mystery, because of fucking course she does, and who is she outside of that? nice?? sweet?? does as she's told?? (this one is fucking boring btw) kind of like the chibnall companions, she's whoever she needs to be for the situation at hand. the writers say ruby needs to be shocked by landing on a planet after 6 months of travelling with the doctor, so she is. she isn't a person. she has one desire, which is to find her mother, and the only reason she gets to have that is that rtd needs to set up whatever the fuck was going on with her mom for the finale. that's it.
and the doctor. like why should we care about this doctor specifically, outside of the fact that this is the character we have been following for the whole show? who is he??? like seriously who is he? he doesn't get any character development? what makes him different from other doctors? who the fuck is this guy????
i said earlier that ncuti's doctor is what you get when you throw all the doctors in a blender and i stand by that. he's definitely the doctor, but he's like an average of all the other doctors with nothing particularly unique or special about him. ruby is what you get when you throw all the companions in a blender. definitely a companion, with nothing unique or special about her either. much like chibnall's companions, all she gets to do is stand around and watch.
and the crucial missing factor is we don't get to see what they see in each other. which from the companion's perspective is still excusable because here's a dude with a spaceship time machine and that sounds kind of sick so lets go and travel with him is an understandable motivation. but what does he see in her? because there's always a moment where you can see the doctor sort of think, oh yeah, i should travel with this person.
but there isn't really this moment with ruby. it's kind of like with how thirteen meets her companions. she just sort of runs into them, and now they're stuck together. and ncuti does get to emote more than jodie, so at least you can see that ruby and the doctor do like each other, but their relationship isn't really fleshed out ever. and like i can buy ruby risking her life for him, because that is just sort of what happens on doctor who, but it's not based on anything. we don't see them develop this trust of each other. their relationship doesn't get developed. it just appears fully formed.
#alexis.exe#dw crit#rtd critical#doctor who critical#i mean i do have more to say#but the main reason this season didnt work for me was that the character work was ass#im simply not invested in any of these characters#when everyone died#like.#yeah that like sucks so hard#but you have to make me CARE about the CHARACTERS#'if you want me to feel bad that they died#i literally felt worse about that one random woman with the dead baby dying than i did about rubys family or fucking rose noble#or that kid genius unit is definitely violating some kind of labour code to employ#didnt even feel bad about kate she's a joke at this point#she hires every single side character its ridiculous#im pretty sure the 13 year old is not old enough to work in the uk btw#didnt feel bad about mel getting possessed by sutekh either lmao bc i knew nothing interesting would happen there#and i was right#idk if you kill Everyone in your story you should maybe make it actually have an emotional impact#im gonna finish my dw complaining in a few days and go rewatch the s10 finale#do yall remember when doctor who was good. i do
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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does anyone else get a sudden wave of sadness every single evening? no? just me?
#gets worse w each passing day i feae#10 reasons why i don't like autumn#every single emotion x100#julie babbles
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having the time of my life rn
#im just gonna dump this here bc i srsly cant go with this anywhere else cause my veins are about to pop#going on bsky really making me realize that my art simply got carried by the algorithm and not bc ppl actually like it i feel lol#i crawl back to twt bc im so addicted to the notification pop up there at least there i can feel like i actually matter#everyone has been getting serotonin from bsky but for me it was the exact opposite most friends also dont care for bsky so im just alone#maybe its also just the realization that perhaps there is nothing left for me on this earth#i put so much of my selfworth into the stupid numbers online and now im paying the price for it#my mental health is so bad rn i cant go a single day without feeling like i wanna end it today or i wont live past my 30s nor that i even#WANT TO live past my 30s my passions are gone dont have goals in life anymore like whats even the point maybe this really is the final#nail in the coffin for me lol i dont even think anyone cares for me beyond a personal surface level not even my family im so done with lif#im so eaten up by jealousy in every aspect of my life and i have had to bottle it up for so long bc nobody actually gives a shit even if i#openly talked about it to whoever how its making me miserable but its always the “just think about the good in life :)” there is none#i honestly wished for several years i shouldve been dead or at least not exist physically anymore and it was only the clout online that kep#me alive for better or worse but now im starting to believe this was all jsut lies too lol ngl i just wanna crawl into a hole and never ge#back out of it anymore i dont think anyone would even miss me anyways lol
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hello, I’ve seen a few MoF Jonathan Crane x a jock type reader, and I do love a sunshine x dark soulless one. But I was wondering a few headcanons with MoF Jonathan and an alternative reader that is not taking Bo and Sherry’s shit? Thank you and have a nice day!
dude i hate you you did this to me i cant fucking get over this i am in shambles <3
#jonathan crane#the scarecrow#masters of fear#masters of fear jonathan crane#mof jonathan crane#lotta angst#but lots of fluff as well#whatever i have is uncurable#and its getting worse every single day#if i have to fucking <i></i> one more time im kms#i KNOW i decide where to put italics but jesus fucking christ#stfu for real
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I literally feel like I'm dying and I need to see a doctor, but I can't worry about that right now because
My bank account is literally in the negatives because I'm too disabled to work and can't make money but I can't worry about that right now because
I'm months overdue on getting my car new tags, but it won't even start if I could drive it so I need to jump the battery and get gas which I don't have money for, but I can't worry about that right now because
People are still expecting me to be social across numerous friend groups and it's pulling me in so many directions that I'm stretched so thin I'm running on no social battery for the last month, but I can't worry about that right now because
I still need to actually clean the house, do the dishes, clean the cat litter boxes, vacuum, and do my laundry... but I can't worry about that right now because
I still need to actually set up my new desk so I can stream since I haven't been able to do that for weeks and streaming is unfortunately my only source of income for how little I make every month, but I can't worry about that right now because
My partner is going through a really hard time right now and I need to be there for her and do what I can to make sure she's okay.
#People like me don't make it man. We just don't.#I'm hyper dependent on others to the point where I'd be homeless without my partner#I'm stressed day in and day out I get messages from people who want me to play games or hang out or just chat and I can't even#find the time to respond because I have 12 other things I need to be doing and those 12 other things aren't getting done because#every single thing I need to do is preventing me from doing something else and at the end of it all my health is getting worse and worse#and as it gets worse it costs more to fix and I can't get on disability without paying for a lawyer with money I literally do not have#and I'm losing it I'm literally going insane I'm pissed off because I see people blame the country I live in or the circumstances I'm in#and they act like they can't do anything and it'd be wrong of me to ask them for help#and I know when I die (and at this point it won't be long) they're going to act like this is the fault of america or some shit#they're not going to think about how they could have helped#and it sucks because some of my friends DO try to help they really do and I love them for it but it's so hard for me to see people#who don't make much money and who are also in tough situations throwing what they can at me to help me when I know people who have so much#they spend it frivolously on luxuries and I want to strangle them but then I'm not owed anything so it's not my place to tell them how#to spend their money or live their life.#and I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired I can't even stay awake for a few hours before I am too exhausted to sit upright anymore#I pass out and find myself without energy before I've even done anything and I'm only 29.
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Bruhhhh I just want to wake up and not be in pain for once 😭 need a break
#cw personal#cw negativity#I have woken up with a migraine every single day for the past two weeks and painkillers have only managed to just dull it to a vague#throbbing headache that makes it impossible to focus on anything#ughhhhhhhhhhhh#chronic illness is great huh#so incredibly frustrating to wake up in the same pain I went to bed with or worse#like I am very aware that getting mad/mopey about it will only increase my general suffering bc this is just how things are right now#but ohhhhh man it’s hard
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Should one go to the emergency room or the urgent care for treatment for a severe 2 week long migraine? I’ve had migraines before but this is the most severe one I’ve ever had in my life and nothing is helping and it’s actively getting worse every day no matter what I do. Does this even warrant treatment? Do I just wait it out? I checked and I won’t be able to get in with my regular doctor for at least 6 weeks, or else I would just do that.
#I don’t want to take away a bed or resources from people who need it more#but this is getting so much worse every single day#I’ve never experienced something like this#it got up to a 9/10 pain today#and I have an extraordinarily high pain tolerance
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inside you there are two wolves
#loving starkid is a double edged sword#cinderella’s castle songs have been stuck in my head 24/7 since i watched it#but i cant listen to them bc refuse to pirate them#and bc im trying to be financially responsible so im not letting myself buy the digital ticket again like a day after it expired#also sooooo excited for when people can finally make compilations#within a month of the npmd proshot dropping i reckon i watched literally every single npmd comp on youtube#bc i eventually ran out and started watching angela compilations and thats how i got into smosh#anyway ive been satiating myself by listening to the demos from the lands that are livestream#i love this show so much i am so excited for the proshot and the cast recording whenever they should release#im kinda glad im not american and couldn’t see the show live bc i wouldve actually died not being able to watch it til the digital ticket#the wait wouldve been so much worse if i knew what was in store#love starkid so much so excited for when i get to ramble abt this to everyone i know#my irls will never hear the end of it#im literally suffering so bad bc i want to listen to the songs so bad but wanting to support starkid comes out on top#bear with me im having a neurodivergent moment#starkid#tilda rambling#cinderella’s castle#cinderellas castle
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me a week ago: i love my job!!
me now, after having a mid-year review that amounted to you’re doing an excellent job and you bring such a valuable perspective to our practice but i don’t have the ability to give you a raise right now but don’t worry bc i just hired a new CFO to try to figure out money so we can maybe give you a raise later this year: *breaks into a cold sweat as i crack open indeed dot com*
#like how have you hired FOUR new employees in the past year (two new providers a new admin assistant and now a CFO)#without having plans for people to level up?#also i have talked to a friend who got hired at a similar practice a few months after me and she’s already making way more than me!#and you know who else makes more than i do?#my 19yo nephew who didn’t even finish high school. to be fair he’s grinding way more than he should#but also so am i!!#my disabled ass is working 6-7 days/week almost every week and i can barely afford to LIVE in the city where i live!!!#anyway don’t mind me i’m only apartment hunting#while also knowing that my paycheck is about to be hundreds of dollars lighter every month bc my health insurance is about to kick in#right now it’s either looking like we are gonna have to live in the world’s shittiest apartment (not even in the nice part of the city) or#we might just have to find something outside the city. which would be farther from work and friends and everything#yes i am having a full mental breakdown every single day and it’s only gonna get worse bc i’m due to start pmsing any second now#and also my last day at my hospital job is this weekend#bc everyone (including my boss) has encouraged me to quit and focus on only the one job#so now that’s also at least a few hundred bucks more i won’t be making every month#godddddddd#i hate it here i hate it here#did you know? having a fulfilling job still sucks if you aren't fairly compensated???#this is also what happens when you are part of a hot girl profession where everyone else is married to husbands with tech jobs#so they don't have to worry about money like this#anyway anyway anyway#i have never had anxiety so high that i feel as if i might puke before and i used to have a panic disorder so this is a fun new experience#a nice cherry on top of the typical summer depression which is also beating my ass yet again!
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FUUUUUCK
#can i handle this anymore#oh my god i am so goddang anxious gang#the election. the unsure confirmation or denial of souls that i have to study further but cannot#my fear of impending doom and the reaper getting closer every single day#haaaaaa i'm so !!! sick!!! and nervous!!!!#my illnesses are getting worse every single day and there are too many things i can think of#and do nothing about#WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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