#but dam its been a while

[bibibbon]

Characters with wasted potential: Mina Ashido

This ask inspired me to make a longer post on mina and the wasted potential of her arc.

Mina was first introduced as a light hearted and fun character that added an extra pop to the series whenever she appeared. Mina is loud, funny and relatable. All of mina's moments before the war arc are to add a light hearted tone to the story and she is usually seen through the lenses of others who also view her as this confident and outgoing student.

we never see her deeply upset (not to the point that it effects her character on a long term effect) and from other characters prespectives like ejiro we see that he views her as an incredibly heroic person who can somehow solve situations with a breeze (horikoshi makes mina the idealised image that kirishima wants to be) and the other parts of 1A and the teachers view her in a similar fashion thinking that she is outgoing and a confident character who has potential to be a great hero.

Mina's relationship with kirishma and the way hori uses their characters is really interesting (I would of definitely loved a lot more of it) and I want to focus a bit more on how kirishima viewed ashido and how that is the image that we also naturally establish for Mina's character which all shatters during and after the war arc.

The image that kirishima sets for mina is an image of a perfect girl, with a perfect quirk for heroics and a perfect teenager that does well socially and school wise. Mina fits exactly what UA looks for and she is exactly what kirishima wants to be. I think what's even more interesting is that kirishima focuses and chooses to highlight the part of mina that is courageous, passionate and the one that stands for others without even thinking. Kirishima doesn't focus at all on the aftermath of the situation, he doesn't acknowledge the scared mina who completely collapses and starts sobbing after such an encounter. No, kirishima is too focused on himself and his own self hating to recognise the true mina, the other half of her and the more real not perfect image of her.

Mina is in a way kirishima's catalyst. The perfect image that he has of her is what influences him to change and in the end even as he becomes "more like her" (outgoing, loud, energetic,optimistic) he still doesn't end up becoming her because he doesn't acknowledge the other sides of her (well he will in this rewrite/post and it can be argued that he does in canon)

However, during and after the war arc that definitely changes and I would like to argue that we see mina lose a bit of her spark that she once had before. (Or she will in this post)

Mina during the war arc starts to show her insecurities and we start to see her own fear. This is the first arc where we see mina from Mina's prespective. This is the first arc where we see just how effected mina was by her encounter with gigomachia and we see how it haunts her.

During the war arc we see mina cling to her optimistim and positivity. This is specifically seen when it comes to the midnight situation and we see her denying the mere possibility thay midnight is dead. Midnight can't possibly be dead because she is a hero, their teacher who still has tons to teach them so she can't be dead. Midnight can't be dead, they have went through things like this before and everyone was alright so midnight will make it right? These were the thoughts that went through mina's head, a mental battle one where she pitifully clawed and held her innocence and naivety for as long as she could until she saw midnight's dead and mutilated body thats when it was forcefully taken from her. That's when mina had to come to terms with reality at full force.

Seeing midnight's dead body was Mina's last straw in mha. Mina had to come face to face with the mangled corpse of her favourite teacher infront of her after all of that denial, wishing and praying however,reality of her situation hit her hard. We see Mina hold midnight's hand maybe in an effort to check if midnight is alive just for her skin to meet the cold dead skin of her teachers or maybe in a sombrely failed attempt to comfort both herself and midnight whose already dead.

Even though midnight's death was the last straw for mina in the mva arc, gigomachia and his reappearance also played a huge role to Mina's character. As I have mentioned before the mva arc is the first arc that we see mina through mina's own respective perspective and lense meaning that her first encounter with gigomachia was through kirishima's lense. Kirishima (as mentioned before) only saw the courage and strength that mina had and that he lacked. While mina broke down crying in fear kirishima doesn't truly register that and is too busy internalising his own self hatred for being incompetent and unable to help his school mates.

So what happens when mina meets gigomachia again for a second time? And how is this significant to her character? Mina doesn't recognise gigomachia the 2nd time she meets him not at first that is. However, even when she doesn't recognise him she is still cautious and afraid yet tries her best to push through it and get the job done as so many people are depending on her. We see Mina try and fail to cling to her optimisitc, happy go personality. We see the slow and dark reality catch up to her as she questions if midnight is alive or if she can even do what she needs to do. Ultimately, these dark thoughts catch up to Mina and when she hears Gigomachia up close she instinctively freezes her body going back to that moment in middle school where she was overcome with so much fear that all she could do was cry.

We then see the transition between high school hero costumes Mina and middle school Mina. It's a beautifully drawn page by horikoshi that cements the point and shows us including kirishima that Mina isn't just optimistic against all odds but she is a scared teenager trying to survive a war that the HPSC sent her to fight, a war that she should of never been apart of. Mina just like the rest of her classmates is scared, young, naive and a vulnerable student that is treated as a solider within a broken system.

The page also shows us just how much the past haunts mina, it completely destroys all of our previous thoughts of mina and the impressions she has given us as we get to see the truth that Mina was trying to hide from everyone and herself : Mina is scared and she never moved on.

All of that pressure and hope that everyone put on Mina so she could put Gigomachia to sleep failed. Mina couldn't do it and instead of berating her there's a moment of tension and sympathy that we collectively share for mina as readers and even the heroes within the story have that feeling. It's exactly that moment that kirishima also comes to a full circle understanding of Mina and how she like him was also scared, that she moved because she put the fear behind her and she feuled herself with that fear.

Mina and kirishima's positions in this arc switch its mina's turn to come face to face and tackle her fears, deconstruct the happy go personality and show us the duality of her character while it's kirishima's turn to step up and fully understand Mina helping him become a better hero and a character.

Kirishima takes the brute force of that hit while delivering the sleeping substance into gigomachia's mouth. All of this while helping save mina. This moment shows kirishima as a character reaching his supposed peak while Mina reaches her one of her lowest points. Overwhelming anxiety and fear can be seen throughout the page as mina expresses verbal distress over what happend to kirishima. She is scared for her friend and she blames herself for it. She blames not being fast enough, strong enough, brave enough to do what she was tasked to do. She blames herself for crumbling under the pressure and memories of the past. In a rush of pure adrenaline and determination she shouts and tries to reach for kirishima praying that he is okay. Her list of worries growing, this isn't just about survival but also about the life she had the life that might be changed so drastically today. Another person Mina has to think and beg that they can't be dead, it simply isn't their time it can't be their time not yet right?

The war arc passes and Mina is incredibly effected by the tragedy. Her life is no longer the same and she still blames herself. Mina is tired, she is angry and she is scared.

The next time we see Mina there is no smile on her face, a strange image that is. We see that she is angry, she is also scared and she is planning something. A mixture of emotions all that lead to the brewing ideas of revenge. Revenge or a sliver of it was in Mina's mind the moment she woke up in the hospital and remembered her loss, desire for revenge grew as she hears of her teacher and classmates condition, it then grows after attending funereals. Little by little the desire for revenge grows bigger and bigger. Upon this mess Mina is spiralling and well who can see it if the whole of Japan is plunged into a post apocalyptic doom? It takes a while but iida sees it then kirishima sees it.

For iida and kirishima they start of as little hints things that can go unnoticed like mina asking iida and shoto for their training routine to get stronger, or mina writing something in a notebook, then whenever Mina would just be outside of the dorms at night training and with that same book. All of these little things add to the suspicion little by little until the vigilante arc. For iida it finally clicks when he sees mina pouring her heart our saying that she doesn't want to lose anyone else and then his theory is further cemented when he sees her reaction to yuuga being the ua traitor.

The revelation of yuuga being the ua traitor sends mina eveb furher into her spiral a mixture of emotions is she is feelings with a stronger desire for revenge now more than ever. Iida confronts her about it and she tries to feign ignorance but knows that it's pointless and tells him everything. Iida disapproves and shares his own experience and while mina does contemplate and think about it she still wants revenge she still wants justice and her decision doesn't change.

In the end, when it came to the fight mina grows both mentally and physically realising that she is afraid and accepting that. She learns and understands the other party to an extent they're all humans at the end of the day all of them with emotions and connections. Yes mina wants revenge, yes she wants justice but when given the chance she is more willing to sacrifice those actions and ideals to protect her classmates and friends because at the end her desires of revenge all stemmed from loss, fear and the failure to protect what was once so close to her.

In the second war arc, mina expresses her thoughts of revenge she expresses her anger and her understanding to both midnight's killer, gigomachia and redestro. Kirishima also hears her and a further layer of understanding deepens their bond with both of them sharing what they think about the other. Kirishima views mina as his hero, she is his catalyst and she is who he wants to be where for mina she is glad to have a friend as courageous as kirishima, someone who can laugh with her, someone who can cry with her, who can understand her.

All of these emotions and interactions are what make mina who she is. Her grief, her power, her love, her laughter, her friends all of these little intracies that were once attachments and burdens are what feul mina to be better, do better and ultimately turn all of that into hard raw determination and power so she can fight to protect instead of harm.

This idea is reflected in the improvements of minas capabilities in the second war arc where she is successfully is able to form acidman a creature designed to protect and used to protect.

In conclusion, Mina is a character who could of been very complex since the story wanted to put a huge emphasis on her interactions with characters around her and how the changes in society effectively effect her making her feel various emotions. Mina is a teenage girl who is a hero, exposed to things at too young of an age and a character that matures with an intere understanding and tackling of her own views about heroes and villains. She in the end realises that the villains she is fighting are also humans the same as her and that gives her a better understanding of the hero world and society as a whole as she learns the duality of man.

[yeshihellodani]

"Do I look like your girlfriend?"

MAN I loved the Slient Hill 2 Remake like wow, it surprised me genuinely

At first I wasn't so sure about Maria's new design, but I ended up loving it (I still prefer her original clothing but this one is also very cool)

Commissions info

EDIT: my dumbass forgot to add the watermark on the pictures LMAOOOOOO

Close ups

[godsfavoritescientist]

How do I explain the ways in which the bill origins fic 'A Romance of Many Dimensions' by haley3 rewired my brain without needing to give paragraphs upon paragraphs of context. The fic is something like 200,000 words long. Almost every single good moment calls back to things that are set up earlier in the fic

[heniareth]

It's interesting to note how the Tabris Origin, which involves a wedding, kidnapping and attempted sexual harassment, and fighting your way through an estate full of guards, is the Origin where gender plays a huge role in what story you experience. M!Tabris will always storm the castle coming to the rescue of his cousin and his betrothed, while F!Tabris will always have to fight her way out because the men in her life can't fully protect her (Nelaros dies, Soris literally hands her the sword, Cyrion is powerless to stop the abduction. Okay, this may be a little unfair to Soris who does fight side by side with Tabris and counsels caution the same way regardless of Tabris's gender). I'd go so far as to say that Tabris is the only Origin where the gender of your PC has a definite impact on the story.

TLDR to the rant in the tags: Tabris is constrained on all sides by being an elf, by their gender, in part by their family, and by society at large (both the Alienage and the wider city).

[eggthew]

there feels like there is a dam in me ready to burst but i dont know what the dam actually is. like normally when I feel like this I know the cause and I know whats being held back and what will happen when it breaks. No idea whats going on now.

[kengi-bengi]

How does Albatross feel about the lackluster items Turtle has enchanted and/or the enchantments on them?

P.S. I adore this AU. I can't wait to see what you make!

Albatross actually believes ti was quite smart of Turtle to make Anemone an animus for the time being and hide the fact that he was the True Born Animus, With Albatross' own experience,,, being in the center light of the Royals isn't exactly a "fun time" as an animus. Need we mention the abuse and blackmailing that Albatross had to go through! As for the actual items, he might snort at the ridiculousness of them but he wouldn't be nearly as disgusted or upset due to Turtle's situation mentioned above.

[vogelmeister]

anyways i saw a video of non dutch people pronouncing dutch names and im proud to announce that two of my characters and one of my coworker's names are there

[natandacat]

Its become clear to me rather early that intelligence as we discuss it today is baked into eugenics, bc of the way people get genuinely grandiloquent and emotional about my intellect, always in a way that reinforces a kind of biological hierarchy. Like I'm not just smart, I'm "superior", I "dominate", etc. And its not lost on me how many of these hyperbolic admirers have been white adults, although I've sadly seen it parroted and internalized by all my peers (especially more racialized peers who were made to feel especially inferior). What is also not lost on me is how vehement my father was about the importance of being an intellectual, his way of desperately hanging onto that idea as a way to retain respect, how different his desperation was compared to the confidence of those white adults, and how many other migrants of his generation say the exact same words I've heard him say ad nauseam. So yeah. I dont much care about intelligence.

[mewhenifreakit]

ti's the season ( of reflection)

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

My brain's weird it screams just by reflex of me seeing a bug but will take like a day to register a death lol

My mood today be like:

Then after I finish crying:

[reasonsforhope]

"For years, California was slated to undertake the world’s largest dam removal project in order to free the Klamath River to flow as it had done for thousands of years.

Now, as the project nears completion, imagery is percolating out of Klamath showing the waterway’s dramatic transformation, and they are breathtaking to behold.

Pictured: Klamath River flows freely, after Copco-2 dam was removed in California.

Incredibly, the project has been nearly completed on schedule and under budget, and recently concluded with the removal of two dams, Iron Gate and Copco 1. Small “cofferdams” which helped divert water for the main dams’ construction, still need to be removed.

The river, along which salmon and trout had migrated and bred for centuries, can flow freely between Lake Ewauna in Klamath Falls, Oregon, to the Pacific Ocean for the first time since the dams were constructed between 1903 and 1962.

“This is a monumental achievement—not just for the Klamath River but for our entire state, nation, and planet,” Governor Gavin Newsom said in a statement. “By taking down these outdated dams, we are giving salmon and other species a chance to thrive once again, while also restoring an essential lifeline for tribal communities who have long depended on the health of the river.”

“We had a really incredible moment to share with tribes as we watched the final cofferdams be broken,” Ren Brownell, Klamath River Renewal Corp. public information officer, told SFGATE. “So we’ve officially returned the river to its historic channel at all the dam sites. But the work continues.”

Pictured: Iron Gate Dam, before and after.

“The dams that have divided the basin are now gone and the river is free,” Frankie Myers, vice chairman of the Yurok Tribe, said in a tribal news release from late August. “Our sacred duty to our children, our ancestors, and for ourselves, is to take care of the river, and today’s events represent a fulfillment of that obligation.”

The Yurok Tribe has lived along the Klamath River forever, and it was they who led the decades-long campaign to dismantle the dams.

At first the water was turbid, brown, murky, and filled with dead algae—discharges from riverside sediment deposits and reservoir drainage. However, Brownell said the water quality will improve over a short time span as the river normalizes.

“I think in September, we may have some Chinook salmon and steelhead moseying upstream and checking things out for the first time in over 60 years,” said Bob Pagliuco, a marine habitat resource specialist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in July.

Pictured: JC Boyle Dam, before and after.

“Based on what I’ve seen and what I know these fish can do, I think they will start occupying these habitats immediately. There won’t be any great numbers at first, but within several generations—10 to 15 years—new populations will be established.”

Ironically, a news release from the NOAA states that the simplification of the Klamath River by way of the dams actually made it harder for salmon and steelhead to survive and adapt to climate change.

“When you simplify the habitat as we did with the dams, salmon can’t express the full range of their life-history diversity,” said NOAA Research Fisheries Biologist Tommy Williams.

“The Klamath watershed is very prone to disturbance. The environment throughout the historical range of Pacific salmon and steelhead is very dynamic. We have fires, floods, earthquakes, you name it. These fish not only deal with it well, it’s required for their survival by allowing the expression of the full range of their diversity. It challenges them. Through this, they develop this capacity to deal with environmental changes.”

-via Good News Network, October 9, 2024

[judas-is-scary]

Suzanne Collins has me deranged.

We know from the Ballad of Song Birds and Snakes that many of the features of the modern Hunger Games are Snow's invention, including those that motivate the districts, like prizes. It's fair to assume he likely came up with the idea for tesserae, it's an easy way to keep the districts well fed while encouraging/forcing participation and general involvement in the games. It's a great reminder, even the food you eat is linked to the games themselves. Tesserae is a type of tile work commonly associated with Romans which Collins draws a lot of inspiration from in her depiction of the Capital. It has also in the past been used as a token. In this case, you take the token of food in exchange for extra names in the bowl. Now that's fucking excellent on it's own, real neat bit of linguistic worldbuilding.

BUT what really gets me, what truly fucks me up is that Snow didn't name it that because he's like a language nerd. Tigris had to use tile buttons, tesserae buttons on his shirt during songbirds because they couldn't afford anything else. Snow inherently associates that material with poverty, specifically with the lack of food he had during that time. As a result tesserae represents poverty starvation and desperation to everyone in the districts. Snow is so god dam self obsessed he imbedded ,intentionally or not , personal fucking references to himself within the districts.

AND THAT is why Collins is so crazy to me that detail is tiny, you truly would not notice and in the grand scheme it's not that important but that's woman is on her shit and she's fucking thinking her thoughts and its genius. HER MIND UGH. truly has me messed.

[dr-awkkward]

I can't stop thinking about the dichotomy of the Long Quiet and the Shifting Mound: specifically, the metaphor of a rock in a river.

He is a stone. A constant, unyielding force. Capable of being changed, of course- sharpened into a weapon, stacked into the walls of a prison- but entirely inert.

She is a river. Ebbing and flowing, never retaining a constant shape. The waters can be cleared, deepened, displaced momentarily, but you will not change its course by plunging a hand or a blade into it. You will not still it.

The rock is what moves the stream.

The waters meet this unyielding surface and flow around it. Their path is altered ever so slightly, but it is altered. A well-placed rock can change the trajectory of a river's flow, can be shifted to allow the waters to flow in more directions or with more power, can block it off entirely until it stills to a stagnant pool.

And all the while, changes begin to happen. Things that couldn't, had the rock not been placed. The rock's edges are smoothed and its layers peeled back to reveal glimpses of its core, while imperceptibly tiny pieces of it join the river's flow. They understand each other just a little bit better, now.

Be it a bridge, or a dam, or a reservoir, or simply a stone sitting in a stream... the fact remains that the rock met the river. Change met stagnancy, and something new was created.

[tojisun]

sugar, spice, everything on ice (hockey au)

hockey player simon riley x f!reader’s relationship, through the eyes of the fans // sort of smau

i was listening to 5sos’ slsp while writing this so!!! sorry i went bonkers 😔 i just love this au sm

simon riley is obsessed with his girl, and it is maddeningly endearing.

of course he’s in love with you, everyone could see even from a continent away, but there is something clingy, possessive, in the way simon hovers around you. like you’d disappear right before his eyes if he wasn’t pressed close; if his tattooed arm wasn’t looped around your waist or his thick fingers were not twined with yours.

it is new, unheard of, even riley’s loyal fans says so, but it’s just so—

nice.

(the word is inadequate, they know, but there’s nothing close that could describe how heart-fluttering his devotion to you is.)

riley has always been a private person, sharing only sparse details of his life. one can even easily locate his earliest instagram post because there’s just about twenty uploads in his account since its creation—from 2017, and it’s a broken hockey stick. even that throw-away picture continues to amass likes as new fans come scouring whatever of him they can find.

his latest post was during last season’s finals’ celebrations—a series of pictures of the boys carrying the stanley cup. the first few pictures were all professionally taken, but the rest splinters into blurred shots of mactavish and garrick, particularly, drinking from the cup from inside of the locker room.

it said: thank you all.

curt, direct, but not any less meaningful.

cut to this year, mid-regular season (january), and after five months of drought, the simon riley posted a picture. and it wasn’t just any picture, but it was a hard launch of his new partner.

it was a selfie, taken by you, the camera angled just slightly. your back was pressed to his chest, and his chin was hooked to your shoulder, and, cheek-to-cheek, the two of you grin up at the camera. the background was distinctly new york, central park, so it must have been taken after the specgru’s game against the rangers (0-4 for the specgru).

for the caption, he wrote: she’s never been here before.

in an instant, all of the speculations were confirmed—the most eligible bachelor of the franchise is, finally, in an official relationship.

news articles popped up after that, speculations bloating at the shocking news. some people have even said that they’re sure they’ve seen you prior to the announcement—weren’t you that one fan simon riley was flirting with while he was on ice, mid-game?

(you were.

you were even one of the people that was tagged in johnny’s story before it got preemptively taken down; and the same person seen with the other WAGs, sprinkles of your silhouette seen on pictures like the ones that are taken on the days when the franchise flies them for game nights or the countless ones during the unveiling of the season’s WAGs jackets.

you have been a part of their circle even before the world knew who you were and, somehow, that was comforting; how simon riley had not thrown you to the wolves—or vultures, as mactavish snarled when they’ve hounded him about his fiancee’s abrupt end of her season in the FIVB, like her health wasn’t the priority over her career—and instead made sure you were surrounded by people who knew how to survive amidst the scrutiny.)

and, just like that, the dam called simon-riley’s-secret-album-of-you broke.

what had been a sporadic activity in his account exploded into series of posts, one update every week. it was a whirlwind of excitement because no one from the hockey world has ever seen this much of simon riley’s life.

he was always unapproachable, distant, like there’s always a wall between him and the rest of the world. like in exchange of being called the living legend, the guiding star, simon riley gets to shirk away from the public whenever he chooses. and who can fault him for that? riley’s career has always been heavily documented—people knew him even before he was drafted into the league, they had betted on his rookie year, and then had put him in a lonely pedestal. so of course he is fiercely protective of his privacy.

only a select few get to truly know him, only a select few have stories of simon that isn’t about the ice or hockey or his in-the-works legacy. only a select few see him beyond his crown, and now he’s giving a piece of his true self to the world because of you.

because you are worth showing off.

because life with you is worth celebrating.

.

riley41

[it’s a candid image of you standing on the balcony, wearing a too-big of a shirt that is getting ruffled by the wind and pyjama pants, and leaning over the railing as you stare at the scenery. you’re all silhouette because your body is devoured by the orange rays of the sunrise, its tendrils spilling into the wooden floors of the hotel room.]

liked by jmactavish.91, reyenzo14, and others

riley41 ibiza

.

riley41

[it’s a series. the first image is of the two of you on his motorcycle, the picture taken from simon’s bike’s camera. you’re both wearing tinted helmets and leather gears, the background a blur of colours which indicates that this was taken mid-ride. you’re gripping him tightly and your body is almost fully-covered by his bulk, leaving only the top half of your helmet to be seen peering from his shoulders.

the second image is of the beach. it’s dusk, and the sky is an explosion of pinks and purples and blues.

the third image is a selfie with your visors up. you’re looking at the camera with a shy smile, your eyes squinted because of how bright it still is, while simon only has his eyes on you.]

liked by pricejhn2, alexkeller_, and others

riley41 vroom

.

riley41

[it’s a mirror selfie of the two of you, with simon taking the photo. the background is notably his house. your back is facing the mirror, your head tilted to rest on his shoulder, while his arm is curled around your waist. you’re wearing this season’s WAG jacket—it’s black and green, their colours. the pose now makes sense because you’re showing off the back of the jacket that spells out RILEY 41 in white. simon’s wearing their away-jersey.]

liked by kylegarrick, konig_76, and others

riley41 game six let’s go

.

riley41

[it’s a video; the angle shows that it is taken by someone else. you and simon are hugging, and are swaying lightly as the two of you dance to the faint sound of music booming from somewhere behind the camera. simon’s mouthing the lyrics to your ear, his cheeks flushed like he’s buzzed from drinking, while you giggle and softly rub your palm at his back.]

liked by jmactavish.91, kylegarrick, and others

riley41 my favourite person

.

.

yourname

[it’s a candid picture you’ve taken of simon sleeping while he uses your lap as pillow. the angle captures the way your fingers are playing with his hair and scratching his scalp gently. the picture is a little blurry because there’s not enough light to properly focus the lens.]

liked by riley41, jjoanne.spam, and others

yourname im the happiest when im with him

[acid-ixx]

seasons in the sun: goodbye, my love, please pray for me...

reblogs and interactions are encouraged and appreciated.

— masterlist ! ; related post !

you guys i'm sorry for literally dying from the feed all of a sudden but i need y'all to be as feral as i am for the idea of a romantic! yandere jason with his childhood sweetheart reader.

y'know, the dichotomy of what used to be softness in the past in your relationship with jason. you know him as the sweet, malnourished boy who trespassed in your house to raid your fridge, the kind protector of your apartment after you'd offer your leftovers when he'd invaded your house and you're the only one left, advising him to run off to the balcony to hide once your parents come back from their trip; the silly guy who laughs shyly at your jokes, who'd coincidentally became your classmate after he'd been taken in by his rich father, who recalled the story to you when you'd both sneak by the backyard of your school with no qualms for privacy because it's you who he first learned to trust when he's thrust into the cruel lifestyle of the streets, knowing only how to bare his teeth but never how to retract it at the hands of its owner.

he's your closest confidant, the smart, nerdy boy who reciprocated your blooming romance, read classics to you with his squeaky voice, who offers to share with you his lollipops to "make up for all the times i ate your dinner at home," who secretly shoves his assignment answers under your desk when you'd forgotten to do yours and whispers the answers to the questions you're forced to recite when he notices your tensed jaws and quivering lips, shy and unaware of what to tell the teacher. only he knows it when your confidence is at an all-time low, and he helps guide through your problems like how you've been the only light in his life.

jason is the sweetest boy, he has no idea how to hold your hands, whose face flushes when your lips kiss his cheeks and when you cheekily grin at him after. sweaty fingers interlace with yours while you both lay on the grass of the gardens, listening to him rambling about the stars, and magic, and fantasy worlds, after bruce had finally permitted you to enter the manor because even his father could see how lovely you've impacted his adopted son; both of you keeping secret of your first meeting, similar to how you bask under the moonlight, alone, as if your presence yearns to be worshipped, he thinks.

he's your childhood sweetheart, and nothing can ever shatter the reality that he's the only right one for you.

your first love, sure, and your first heartbreak too.

taken away from the world at the cruel hands of death, at the ripe age of 17. the details his father retold you, with his equally somber, mourning expression do no justice to what felt like sledgehammers breaking a dam in your heart, your entire world breaking, even bruce's hands weighing at you shoulders during the entire funeral process don't ground you at all, you've no thought other than just how truly lonely you are to the world without him by your side—

the burden only becomes heavier, the tears refusing to drip from your eyes, staring at the picture frame of your happy, chipped-tooth lover now in a casket, surrounded by mourning flowers, sun dipping below the horizon which only darkens your vision.he unmoving now, dead, actually, and your mind couldn't comprehend how you'll never hear the chirp of his voice on one side of his ears and feel the scabs on his skin slowly fading away each day under your care.

even if your chest beats too loudly in your ears, your sweetheart, for the first time in your life, wouldn't be able to grasp at your shivering hands and assure you that he's alright.

he's gone. your sweet, loving, jason is gone.

you wish he'd die in your arms instead, rather than left you aching, worried and senseless from the days he'd suddenly disappear, then suddenly dead from a bombing, as what his father had told you. and you're not there to witness the scene, you couldn't even fathom just how much your body — still locked in place watching the funeral proceedings from afar, you don't feel quite yourself anymore — wishes to run to his open casket just to take his cold, laying body in your arms to feel your warmth.

at such an early moment, from what had felt like an eternity spent with the young boy, yet such a short span of being together with him at the same time— your grief has you yearning for the past image of your sweetheart. you want him back, you want your jason back. the years you've wasted, trying so hard to repair, to fill the broken gaps in your heart, to overcorrect, finding and chasing the comfort from other people, yet reeling away when every other person felt so foreign in your arms instead. nothing could ever replace the sweet ache in your tooth back when you're with him, nobody could amount to the tears you've wasted over jason because nobody is jason.

not even him, not when he came back a hardened soul, with a different body now bigger and stronger than you, who'd visit you during the night, intruding in on your apartment which oh-so prompts you to recall the very first day you'd met him. you don't know of his hardships, you're given a different story and the entire situation perplexes you, but you couldn't deny the ache in your chest when faced with this burly man, standing in front of you, breathing heavily and gazing at you with the same, starstruck stare that pins you on the spot of your bed.

he doesn't look like the jason who died, but he feels so much like him that your tender tears finally dripped down your quivering cheeks after what felt like eons of grief.

when he was resurrected from the dead after two years, he's not quite the same jason that you'd known and loved. he's broken, crawling out of that disgusting pit with only rage in his heart and the inclination to plot vengeance on those who've wronged him. there shouldn't've been an ounce of softness left, no love nor desire, no fantasy of his ex-lover when it should only be violence that he'd have known. but even so, beneath every vile emotion he felt, was the drive, the passion to come back to you first after he'd come to his senses. he'd remember screaming in agony, at feeling the rickety bones grinding against one another, at feeling for the sinewy muscles now aching and bulging in its restraints.

he's in a body taller than when he'd pass away from, and he wishes, after gaining enough consciousness— he fucking wishes you're there with him during the recovery phase, from when he's left to the cavern of his thoughts, braindead and unable to comprehend ra's al ghul's words, not when he's busy drowning in the depths of his clawing memories of you. nothing, not even the silken sheets he lays on, compares to you kissing his wounds like you always do and comforting him with your hushed words. beyond the exterior of his violence, of his boiling rage, was the hope that you'd still think of him in every waking moment the same way his first thought directs at how your fingers would tenderly graze at his skin.

i'm just saying, the angst/comfort potential of having the only person closest to you stripped away from your grasps, now in a different image. he's the same man you've prayed every single day to come back, but being faced to face with him that moonlit night, while your eyes still take in the unfamiliar form of jason's body towering over you, when his hands couldn't keep itself plastered to its side that it just, reaches out to grab you so he could bury his head on your clavicle and take a whiff of your body— you couldn't ignore the sheer differences.

how he scrunched his body to meet your height unlike the past where it's you adjusting to him, how his hands take precaution to ensure you're not crushed by his deadly strength, palms bigger than your head, how he takes utmost consideration peppering kisses on your shoulders, mumbling his apologies, his "i miss you, baby,"'s and "i love you s'much, i'm sorry for being gone for too long, sweetheart"'s, his refusal to release you; all while your heart raises a mile a minute because this is the red hood in front of you, clad in heavy metal armoury and mercenary weapons; a danger to gotham's criminal kind. yet it's him who speaks to you like your beloved jason with his heavy accent and rushed words, now a deep tremor compared to the young boy who chirps your name.

the only thing closest to you which reminds you of your past moments with jason, was that ever-so dedicated look of love. his hazy gaze, disguised under marred skin and sunken piercing eyes, yet so delicately filled with love that fills your chest with nostalgia long gone: of nights spent together at your apartment when he'd read you your favorite fairytales, of days having picnics together, baskets filled with handpicked fruits and alfred's sandwich, of moments coddling each other, feeding off the warm buzz off both bodies, legs entangled, sharing innocent kisses behind the trees.

of heartfelt promises, long forgotten yet still protected within jason's heart now guarded under lock and key, with only you having access if you just allow him to be loved by you once more. the man before you is a man who's changed, filled with contempt, jealousy, scorn for a mankind that scorches at every criminal, emotions so utterly complex compared to the boy you used to look at with ease, whose emotions used to be so easily distinguished from anger and adoration, who never beared hatred unlike now.

and you, who's just so conflicted, equally broken and unable to understand the entire situation. why, just why does the world want to torment you so much that it brings your old lover back— but different, hands now scarred, pinning you down with unfamiliar muscles bigger than your body, burying himself on your shoulders, mumbling and sobbing about his woes while your mind still reels itself back in to comfort him as you always do. this is the man you still love. his touch is all-knowing, he knows you loved it when his kisses reach the back of your ears, when his fingers fondle your waist.

he's different, yet the same. if it's not your dear jason coming back, if it was red hood, then why do you still recognize his presence so easily?

his aggressiveness to others you couldn't approve — the news labels him a brutal anti-hero, batman's new criminal enemy, he's a weapon of fear you should've resented — but why is it that it's his gentleness towards you that makes your heart ache at the memories of when he'd defend you from intruders, using his wits instead of his lacking strength? why do you feel like a completed puzzle piece in his arms?

he's here now. the red hood is here, but so is jason todd.

you could've called the gcpd, report them of his intrusion inside your house, forget all of this ever happened. but you should've also never brought your hands up to tangle itself upon the messy tresses of his black hair now streaked with white at the front, you shouldn't've hushed him and his cracking voice, taking his cheeks in your palms and having him look you straight in the eyes, drowning at dulled, blue eyes. once it reminds you of the blazing sky, now it's like the raging storms of the sea at night. without his red, gleaming helmet, he's reduced to your sweetheart; you cradle his head and stay silent.

still conflicted over brewing emotions, over the resurfacing love that you've forced yourself to bury the same time his casket was buried under the manor's soil.

in truth, you're tired of yearning, or constantly seeking a cheap, temporary replacement for jason. you've come to the stage of anger and withdrawal too, and your friends have told you that you should learn to rebound. but you're oh-so parched from love that no other could've given you, that you just couldn't fully relinquish your feelings, you can't.

in truth, you almost learnt to let go. almost.

but there's always the greatest fact: it's that as long as he's alive, even if resurrected and never the same, you'll still learn to love him over and over again, no matter if it takes years, he's yours and you're his. despite the cruelty he bears to others, he's your sweet boy, you miss him far too long, far too deeply. all is fair in love and war, they say, and all you wanted to do was to replicate those moments where it's just the two of you; even if his body is now bigger than you, you can still hold him, no? even if he knows how to wield guns better than how he held you shyly back then, he can learn—

thing is, you just wish things were simpler, you wish he'd have no other priorities, you wish the world didn't strip him away from his innocence. jason didn't deserve it, his death, and when he'd confess the truth: of his identity, of how he truly passed away, of his trials and tribulations to earn the path back to your place; you're left stinging with ache more than nostalgia, wishing you'd notice sooner.

so even if the man who lays in bed with you now is different, he's still the same man who held you tight in his arms, who remembers how to tuck you in the way you like it, who gazes at you filled with adoration, lips still quirking up hesitantly at your expectant stare. maybe it hurts, still, that he's not entirely the same jason who's smiles without bounds, who doesn't sport the same crinkle of mirthful eyes and jumpy actions, but he still retains the same love he'd carry for you all those years, even in death—

he's back, and that's all that matters.

a/n: yes do leave comments 🤩 idk what i just wrote honestly, srs about that. and i wrote it so that you do kind of have more... obsessive traits towards jason hehe. he's my favorite other than tim drake (well almost every character in dc is my fave, but i have my top spots), and tbh the reason i disappeared was because i was getting too invested in canon dc content that i forgot to write for it ngl.