#but certainly there will be no chance of falling any deeper in love

[kissme-withyour-cherrylipstick]

Merry Kissmas, Day 24—Christmas Eve

Arthur is pretty sure now. The events of the last three days have been enlightening.

Merlin feels it too.

He wanted nothing more than to tell Merlin that it was okay, that he had nothing to be sorry for, that Arthur wanted the second kiss too. And a third and a fourth and—

He heaves a sigh as he stands in his kitchen on Christmas Eve morning, waiting for his coffee to brew. There is no work today, but he’s going to Morgana’s Christmas Eve party tonight, which will be in the office, and Merlin will be there.

He didn’t get a chance to tell Merlin anything yesterday. It seemed far too private to say in front of anyone else, and he worried Merlin would be too afraid to meet him in his office again. He considered texting and that was how he realized he didn’t know what to say. Well. He knew what to say, but every way he could think to say it sounded weirdly pathetic. Then he started to doubt if it was the right thing to do at all.

Maybe this is just what it's like when you kiss someone every single day for twenty-three days. Maybe he would have fallen in love with anyone if he did this with them. He certainly didn’t expect to fall in love with Merlin of all people.

This is the doubt he’s been wrestling with, but somehow he knows it’s not true. Somehow he knows this is real.

He knows because of how he always looks forward to Merlin’s kiss. How he always finds himself smiling when he thinks about Merlin, which he does a lot now. The warmth that spreads through him whenever he looks at Merlin, his tousled hair, his ears, the line of his neck, his dirty shoes that are completely inappropriate for an office setting.

He supposes he’s always been a little bit in love with Merlin. But this past month has really brought it to his attention.

At a loss for what else to do, Arthur calls Morgana.

“Hey, Morgana,” he greets, “I was just wondering... is Merlin coming to your party tonight?”

“Yes, as far as I know,” she answers.

“So he hasn’t told you that he won’t be coming after all?”

“Why, is there some reason you don’t want him to come?”

“No, I want him to come. I really want him to come.”

“Is there some reason you think he won’t?” When he doesn’t respond, she continues, “Why don’t you ask him?”

“Er....”

Morgana sighs. “Does this have anything to do with the weird game you two have been playing?”

“How do you know about that?

“Gwen.”

“She told you?”

“I have a right to know when you’re making a fool of yourself.”

“I should never have done any of that stuff in front of her.”

“Oh, she told me about the ones you didn’t do in front of her.”

“Ugh. Merlin. Is there no such thing as privacy?”

“So what’s the problem? Have you fallen in love?”

Arthur is silent.

“Oh my god, you have. Oh, Arthur,” and a hint of humanity slides into her voice, underneath a thousand layers of irony and condescension. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, that’s why you called, you want advice.”

“No, no I don’t want your advice.”

“My advice is simple: follow your heart. Do what it is that you want to do.”

“That’s your advice? Why?”

“Because, I’m pretty sure Merlin wants you as much as you want him and I want him to be happy.”

“You really think that?”

“Yes. For some reason, he really likes you. God only knows why.”

“Thanks, Morgana,” Arthur says, then his sincerity runs dry. “I still think this is a trap.”

She laughs.

He hangs up.

In his own shitty flat that gets shittier the longer he stays at Arthur’s flat, Merlin is also thinking about the last three days and dreading the party tonight. The difference is, he’s still thinking about it in terms of the game. There’s no way he can win, and he doesn’t want to anyway. He thinks a tie would be the most preferable outcome, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter.

Except that Arthur will be insufferable if he wins. And he’ll remind Merlin about it at every opportunity, driving the knife deeper each time. But still, he can’t seem to bring himself to care.

Let him kiss me , he thinks, brooding into his morning tea. I want him to kiss me .

He spends the day dreaming about what it will be like and planning his reaction to it. He has every intention of kissing Arthur back. He’s done that several times and nothing has come of it.

As he’s sitting there, spiraling inside his own mind, he gets a phone call from Gwen and immediately answers it, desperate for anything. “Hello.”

“Hi, Merlin, are you busy?”

“No.”

“Would you like something to do?”

“Yes, please. God, yes.”

“Wow. Okay. I’m helping Morgana decorate for the party tonight and we could use an extra set of hands. And someone taller.”

“I’ll be right there.” He hangs up, leaps off of his chair, and gets ready in minutes flat. He already has his outfit picked out: black jeans that he thinks make his arse look good and an “ugly” Lord of the Rings Christmas jumper with all four hobbits on it.

“That was fast,” Gwen greets him at the door. She’s wearing a red velvet off-the-shoulder dress with her hair pulled back at the nape of her neck except for a couple ringlets that frame her face.

“You look amazing,” Merlin says, taking her in.

“Thank you.” She looks down. “I like your jumper.”

“Thanks.” They hug, and her embrace fills him with a sense that maybe everything will be okay.

“We’re in here.” She leads him further into the building where the party will take place, in the employee break room on the first floor and the wide open space in front of it. It’s a mirror of the second floor where Merlin works and he can’t help but look at and notice all the places that look like the places where he and Arthur have kissed. The front door. The desk that looks just like his. The boss’s office to the side. The table. Against the wall. He tingles at the memories and it makes his heart hurt.

“Lance!” Merlin cries when he sees Gwen’s boyfriend helping Morgana with decorations.

“Merlin!” Lance cries, then comes over and gives Merlin a hug.

“Long time no see,” Merlin grins.

“Yes, too long.”

“Hi, Merlin,” greets Morgana, who is stunning as usual in a green dress, her glossy black hair cascading over one shoulder. She wraps her arms around him and he feels blessed by her presence.

“Wait, I thought you said you needed someone tall,” Merlin says to Gwen, glancing at Lance who is roughly the same height as Merlin.

“We could use two tall people,” she says.

“I can give you a boost and you can help me with these,” Lance says, holding up some artificial mistletoe sprigs.

Merlin looks annoyed at Gwen. “Seriously?”

“Sorry,” she winces.

Merlin shakes his head and turns to help Lance. After Lance gives him a boost and he hangs the mistletoe, he slides down in his arms and they’re left standing together underneath it, looking into each other’s eyes. Merlin blushes, then lets go of Lance, pulls away, grabs Gwen, and throws her into Lance’s arms.

“Hi,” she blinks, grabbing his shoulders.

“Hi,” he smiles, looking at her with the most loving expression.

Merlin watches as they kiss, his smile fading after a moment, wishing he could have the same thing with Arthur.

He feels Morgana’s hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Merlin. I have a good feeling about tonight.”

“Oh yeah? What do you know about it?”

“I know.” And there is a strange twinkle in her eye that gives him an unfathomable sense of hope.

Arthur always arrives fashionably late to Morgana’s Christmas Eve party, but tonight he finds himself impatient and eager to get there, so, after delaying his arrival as long as he can stand, he shows up less than an hour after it ostensibly started.

It appears to be in full swing; there are many people there, most of whom he knows, but there’s really only one person he wants to see.

“Hello, dear brother,” Morgana greets in her sarcastically sweet tone, coming at him from the left and putting her arm around him, a glass of what is probably champagne in her other hand.

“Hello, Morgana,” he sighs, slipping his arm around her waist halfheartedly.

“Merlin’s over there.” She points with her glass and Arthur sees Merlin’s dark hair just poking out above the heads of some other people whose faces he tunes out as he hones in on Merlin.

His palms sweat and his breathing is shallow as he makes his way into the breakroom where Merlin is standing beside a spread of Christmas desserts and, to Arthur’s dismay, is talking to Gwaine, looking very excited to be doing so.

Merlin turns when Arthur comes close and immediately looks annoyed. “Oh, of course you’re wearing a Lord of the Rings jumper. And of course it’s that one.”

Arthur looks down at Merlin’s chest and notices he is also wearing a Lord of the Rings jumper. “What’s wrong with this?” he asks, indicating his own jumper, with the White Tree of Gondor on it.

“You’re wearing that because you fancy yourself Aragorn.”

“And you fancy yourself Frodo.”

“Frodo is the main character.”

“And Aragorn is the rightful king of Gondor.”

They stare at each other in hostility for a moment, before Merlin breaks it with a smile, and Arthur has to smile back. “It is a pretty cool jumper.”

“Thanks. I like yours too.”

“Thanks. Would you like something to drink?”

“Yes, please.”

“Hi, Arthur,” says Gwaine as Merlin turns to fill a champagne flute for Arthur.

“Oh. Hi, Gwaine.”

“Looking forward to tonight?”

“Yeah, it should be fun.”

“I’ll meet you under the mistletoe.” He winks.

“No, you won’t.”

“I’m sure someone will.”

Just then, Merlin hands him his champagne. “Morgana always has the best drinks,” Merlin says. “She has some new purple... punch or something over there.”

“What’s in it?” Arthur asks.

“I dunno.”

“Is it good?”

“I dunno, is it, Gwaine?”

Gwaine takes a drink from his cup. “Very.”

“A bit of advice, for both of you,” Arthur says. “Don’t trust Morgana.”

“I trust her more than I trust you,” Merlin says.

“Oh yeah?” Arthur says, and steps closer to Merlin, who shrinks away just visibly, and Arthur fights the need to back off because Merlin is being ridiculous. “What do you think I’m gonna do to you?”

Arthur sees Merlin’s Adam's apple bob as he swallows. “I dunno. What are you gonna do to me?” He stands up straighter, practically daring Arthur to kiss him.

Arthur barely manages to tear his eyes away from Merlin’s lips. “Nothing.” He steps back and turns toward the table full of Christmas treats. He picks something up without even knowing what it is and puts it in his mouth. A biscuit.

“Well,” says Gwaine. “I guess I’ll see who else I can trap under the mistletoe.”

Merlin is surprised by how normal his and Arthur’s interactions are that night. All his anxiety melted away when he saw Arthur and they fell into their usual banter. They are inseparable all night. They eat. They dance. They drink. But still, Arthur doesn’t try to kiss him.

Merlin can’t understand why. Arthur would win. He’s got nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s like he doesn’t want to win. It drives Merlin mad, and he’s torn between drinking as much as he can and staying sober so he can enjoy Arthur’s kiss when it does come.

The night creeps by and still it doesn’t come.

Finally, a slow song comes on and people are actually slow dancing to it. Lance is of course a great dancer and Merlin watches him and Gwen for a moment before Arthur approaches.

“Are you going to dance with me on this one?” he asks, slipping his arms around Merlin’s waist.

A spark crackles through Merlin’s body at the touch and his arms are circling Arthur’s shoulders before he can stop them. “Yes,” he hears himself say.

Arthur smiles at him as they begin to sway and Merlin can’t help but smile back as it goes on. He closes his eyes and leans his forehead against Arthur’s. They are the only two people in the world and it feels so strange but so right, moving like this.

“What’s up with you tonight?” Arthur asks after long moments stretch out before them.

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t tried to kiss me at all. You could tie, you know.”

“I don’t want to tie.”

“Why not?”

This is the moment. Arthur is so close and Merlin could tell him everything, but as he stands on the precipice, he finds he is too cowardly.

Merlin is driving Arthur insane . They are together the whole night, so close they are almost touching, then when they do eventually touch, Merlin won’t tell him what he wants. Maybe it’s all the other people around.

He steps away from Merlin before the song is over and gives him a hard look. Merlin looks surprised, apprehensive even. Arthur looks around for an escape route, sees a broom closet, takes Merlin’s hand, and drags him in there, closing the door behind them.

“A closet? Really?” comes Merlin’s voice in the dark.

“Hang on, I think there’s a light in here.” Merlin is leaning against the wall and Arthur has to reach behind him to find the switch. When the light turns on, he’s crowding Merlin up against the wall.

“What are you doing, Arthur?”

“You have not tried to kiss me all night. Why?”

Merlin’s look of indignation fades into something far sadder until he looks so completely miserable it makes Arthur feel like a terrible person for having done this to him. His arms are crossed, protecting himself from Arthur, but he goes slack, leaning against the wall, all possible traces of anger gone. “You know why.”

All Arthur can hear is his own breathing as he takes it in. He does know why. He’s known it for days. He feels it himself. Neither of them care about this stupid game anymore. It’s gone so far beyond that, it’s impossible to even remember what that was like.

Arthur closes his eyes, then opens them. “Let’s tie.”

“Hm?” Merlin’s brow quirks hopefully.

Arthur takes Merlin’s shoulders in his hands and leans even closer. “I don’t care about the game,” he says, his voice just above a whisper. “I just want you. Let’s tie.”

Then Merlin is leaning forward and Arthur has felt his kiss before, in fact, he’s felt this exact fervor behind it, but this time it is unbound by any pretense and Merlin tilts fully into it, grabbing Arthur and holding him close, so close it’s as if he can’t get close enough, their entire bodies pressed together in the closet, and Arthur finally lets himself go too, exploring Merlin’s mouth like he’s always wanted to and it’s warm, heat spreading like fire throughout his body at every contact point between him and Merlin. He pushes forward, crushing Merlin against the wall because he really can’t get close enough.

He has to pull away for breath and to look at Merlin, flushed and disheveled and beautiful in the harsh lighting.

It is far more than Merlin ever hoped for. Even with all the assurances from his friends and his decision to just let it happen and how seemingly romantic Arthur is being, his heart soars like he can’t believe when Arthur says, “I just want you.”

It is like a dream and despite how dirty it probably is in that closet, Arthur’s kiss is pure and right and sets Merlin alight his entire body over and there is nowhere he’d rather be than between Arthur and that wall. He tastes like biscuits and peppermint and champagne and love.

When Arthur finally breaks away, he is glowing. Even the fluorescent lighting loves him.

Arthur strokes Merlin’s face with his thumb. “You are so beautiful, Merlin,” he says breathlessly. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Merlin swallows. “Me too.”

“Now that it’s finally over,” he says, nosing Merlin’s cheek, “I wanna take you home,” a kiss to his jaw, “and I won’t stop until there isn’t an inch of you I haven’t kissed.”

“What? You don’t just say things like that.”

“I do now.” He presses closer to Merlin and a surge of arousal flows through his body like never before.

“Oh god, yes,” Merlin breathes. “Arthur. I don’t know if I can wait that long.”

“You’ve waited this long, what’s a few more minutes?”

“An eternity.”

Arthur kisses him again and it’s the first kiss that is free from the confines of the game. It’s strong and it’s sweet and so quintessentially Arthur. Merlin is thrilled yet not surprised at all that he knows it so well.

As they duck out of the closet, saying a rushed goodbye to the party in general, Gwaine can be heard saying to Gwen, “Finally.”

[cecropiacrown]

Warm.

Mu Qing wants to be warm.

His hands and arms ache with cold. His nose too. And his feet. His toes are freezing. He wiggles them—brow furrowing—still cold.

He hears a sound. It comes from his own throat. It's discontented and frustrated.

He wants to be warm now.

And there is warmth close by. He feels it radiating, like a fire.

His hands clench; cold fingers are so stiff.

He presses his face further into his pillow and makes another sound in his throat, as if it'll do anything.

He's asleep.

His body is heavy with it.

So heavy.

And so, so cold.

The energy stirs within him, anger soaring at the pervasive chill. He's only half asleep now as he rolls to seek out the nearby warmth—icy hand landing on a firm, dense cloth—so hot it could be a furnace.

He sighs and reaches out his other hand to press against it. It's large, like a second mattress, and as warm as a freshly prepared bath. The cloth gives slightly under his touch, like a breath, and the ache in his fingers starts to dull.

Oh. Oh, that's nice.

He curls close enough to bury his face into the plushness of it, his feet searching out the heat until they, too, are enveloped in it.

Warm.

Safe.

Mu Qing hums and drifts back into a deep, satisfied sleep.

_____

It takes every ounce of willpower within Feng Xin to not offer a prayer to the god who is currently snuggled against his chest.

He had only laid down with Mu Qing for a moment—just to get a better look at him and ensure the latest round of medicine was working correctly. He hadn't meant to stay so long, but Mu Qing was having such a fitful sleep, Feng Xin couldn't bear to take his eyes off of him.

Mu Qing makes that sound again—that quiet, content hum—and fists Feng Xin's disheveled robes so firmly in his hands that Feng Xin is certain the fabric will never lay flat again.

Oh, Heavens help him.

[madamechrissy]

Silent Serenades

♔ An arranged Marriage with Duke Gojo ♔

♔ Pairings: Duke Satoru Gojo x Duchess Reader

♔ Content/Warnings: TW: Past Self harm references, past eating disorder references- angsty asf always, Explicit sexual content, cunnilingus, fingering, dirty talk, name calling, hate/love sex!? lots of tension, and ofc a breed kink bc it's ME lol

♔ Word count: this chap: 13k (longest chap so far!)

♔ Summary: you are the diamond of the season, he is the charming Duke, it’s the marriage of the decade. Prominent families joining, and it so happens that Duke Gojo is gorgeous. But, he doesn't want you at all, leaving you a crying mess on your wedding night, alone. Now you're trapped in a loveless arranged marriage that destroys you from within. Royal AU, Cruel Duke Gojo x reader. OOC Set in 1800s England. Gojo is awful in this. You'll hate Satoru, warning you now. HEAVY angst Basically- Gojo is a royal dick and doesn't wanna marry you

Split POV- Duchess and Duke Gojo- Comments and Reblogs appreciated <3

Part Ten ♔ Masterlist ♔ Playlist

Part Eleven

Gojo’s POV

The last ball you had been to with Duke Gojo was completely different from this one, even only being a couple weeks ago. The last one you were enemies, you had been with Nanami and he had been with Lady Elaine. He had danced once with you, just for show, and had later watched you on that man’s lap, hating the man so much he almost lost all composure.

He had begged to just taste you that night, he wonders why you even let him, you know how horrible he was, but even then, something pulled you both to each other, like never ending magnets. Even then he’d tried so hard to fight it, the desire for you, the feelings building, this inexplicable need to constantly be near you, to your very detriment.

Now, Duke Gojo is walking into this ballroom with your little hand in his, you all certainly aren’t enemies now, fuck Satoru is falling in love deeper with your every breath in fact. He knows you’re terrified, so he does not want to push to know your feelings but he knows they are there, how else could you even care for a man like him, a man who has wronged you so many times.

This morning he had watched you sleep, when he’d woken up cradling your delicate body in his strong arms. You looked so real, not just this figurative angel he came to check on at night, your hair was messy, you were snoring just slightly, he had smiled at how precious you were. When the sun’s rays had hit the windows of your bedchamber, you’d blinked up and looked at him.

His heart had faltered. He was terrified, would you be upset, scared to be next to him? Would you tell him to leave, realize your folly, your mistake of ever letting Satoru close, letting him fuck you, hold you. And fuck if you weren’t the most exquisite creature he’d seen in the morning, if you weren’t the best thing he’d ever felt, your body seemed made for him, you seemed made for him.

You had just smiled softly, caressing his face, and you’d given him a little kiss, before backing away shyly. Satoru had of course responded with a passionate kiss, already hard from being pressed against you all night. But you all had been interrupted for there was much to do before the ball, otherwise he would have devoured you, every bit of you.

The bliss of waking up with you made him realize that last night was not just some dream, in fact it was so much better than any dream. On the carriage ride instead of arguing or being silent, both of you had spoken of the village, you had learned more of each other, even though at times he saw you stop yourself from being so enthusiastic, controlled yourself, held yourself in a bit.

He sees it written all over your pretty face, you’re still terrified of opening your heart, and who could blame you? Satoru himself could not forgive his transgressions towards you, despite the fact that you seem to be willing to give him a chance. You squeeze his hand a bit, scanning the crowd as you all stand on the top of the winding steps, to descend into the ballroom.

“What is it, Princess? Nervous?” He murmurs, you take a breath, looking up at him under your lashes.

“A little. Is this the first event we’ll have where you don’t hate me?” You tease, he smirks then.

“Yes, but you still hate me.” He says the words lightly, but he hopes that they’re not true, against all sense. He hopes you feel more than hatred, though Satoru would take your hatred over anyone else’s love.

“A little.” You whisper, as he leans down now, putting your hand on his inner elbow now. “Much less than the last one.”

“I’ll take it as a win.” Satoru earns your little breathy laugh, fuck if everything you do doesn’t affect him in every way. “You look so stunning, everyone will be after you soon, you know.”

You blush now, looking down shyly as you both descend the staircase, your heels and his hessian boots clicking along the marble steps. You’re donned in a glittering white gown, so stunning it had taken his breath away when you’d first walked out of your room earlier. You were for once not wearing those ridiculous corsets your mother put you in your entire life, a bit out of fashion if anything.

Your waist was small enough, and he relishes in the fact you can breathe, and eat without being in such discomfort. Your dress has an empire waist, lacy roses along the bodice, cut to show much of your tantalizing breasts, not the older style fashion you usually had, though you looked beautiful in those as well. Satoru wants you to be your own person, not just your mother’s shadow.

He still does not know how deep what your mother has done to you goes, but he’s wary of seeing her after the dinner, where she’d been so hurtful, and where he’d realized what he’d caused, more pain for you. He never wants you to feel pain again, especially if he can help it, you’re owed at least that much for everything you have endured.

“Thank you, Satoru, you look dashing as well.” You murmur, leaning up to whisper in his ear as he bends down, Satoru smirks despite his heart racing at your compliment.

“Of course I do.” You roll your eyes now, giggling just a bit, a sound that has frequently been making his heart swell with so much affection it could burst. You’re turning him pathetic, he should be more scared of - Ending up like he did with Adelia- But he’s trying to stay open, to stop closing up, even if it destroys him in the end.

“I should not save you any dances, rakish man.” You tease, pretty lips quirking up just so as you do.

“Ah, cruel Duchess. You’ll dance with Suguru?” You roll your eyes.

“Maybe I shall.”

“Keep your lips to yourself.”

“I should say the same!” It’s too easy with you, the way you all ebb and flow, it feels far too good, and Satoru realizes it could have been this way from the beginning, even during your courtship, if he’d just opened up. The thoughts of time wasted and pain he’s brought consume him. “Satoru I was kidding.”

You snap him out of it then, looking at him with concern drawing your brows together. He gently touches the spot between them that is furrowed, as many onlookers start to speak of you both, hushed whispers and pointed fingers. The Duke and Duchess entered this elegant ballroom, where everyone was already mingling and dancing, of course it was a spectacle.

You stand out, of course you do, when haven’t you? You lit up everything even long, long before he would admit it. Of course Duke Gojo knows he does as well, but people truly adored you, for much more than your pretty exterior. Even now you are smiling at everyone who greets you all as you walk through the throngs of people, onto the chalk designed floor beneath you both.

“Shall I have your first dance?” Satoru murmurs to you softly, and you nod, biting your lower lip nervously. He gently releases it from your teeth’s grasp, seeing the little indentations, seeing your eyes dilate at his touch.

Fuck he’d love to be inside you again, feel you cumming on his cock. As elegant and ladylike as you present, he knows you’ve swallowed his cum and his spit last night, knows you had ridden his cock and cum all over the length of it. He knows you liked your ass smacked, liked your hair pulled, liked being choked, this elegant pretty Princess of his.

Even now he’s thinking of it, of sliding his cock between your perfect lips, of feeling your tongue dipping into the hole on his tip, greedily tasting his precum. Thinks of picking you up and fucking you on every single surface there is. Three times is not enough even in an evening for him with you, he’d love to fuck you from sunlight to sundown, dusk till fucking dawn.

He wants to fuck you until you’re both passing out from your exertions, but still push more and more in your soaking wet cunt. He wants to fill you with his seed so badly, he can’t of course but he dreams of it, of how good it would feel to cum inside you, fill you until you’re dripping out. Drink it right out of your yummy cunt, taste you two together.

He dreams of tying you up to the new bed he had ordered, they should have it together by the time the ball is over, he knows you’re disgusted by it, and why wouldn’t you be? He’d fucked countless women right in that room, with the goddamn door open, knowing you could see, wanting to make it so clear he ‘didn’t want you’ so you wouldn’t ever feel anything.

How, after all that, do you feel anything?

Satoru is desperate to do anything to make you stay, he would let you walk all over him if you wanted, but you’re just not like that. You’re damaged like him, yes, but you go about things differently, instead of being full of resentment, you push through and you try.

“Deep in thought, your Grace?” You ask softly, as the music begins, and people are crowded around you all.

He just nods a bit, taking your waist now, feeling the nip of it under your satin dress, watching your breath catch at the touch, your lips part just so. Your hand comes to grip his, as you both begin to move, his thumb pressing into your ribcage, his other fingers pressing into your back, watching you tremble, nearly having a misstep.

“Something wrong, Duchess?” He smirks as he asks you, you glare now, earning his chuckle.

“Nothing!” His thumb brushes the side of your breast as you both turn and twirl, the eyes of the ton on you.

“Sure it’s not. Not wet from my touch?” He whispers, so close he can taste your sweet breath, you scowl, narrowing your glittering eyes, your other hand clutching his shoulder over his suit jacket.

“Not at all, conceited man.” He just grins at you, spinning you and then dipping you over his arm, contemplating kissing you so that everyone knows how much he desires you, especially so many women Satoru has had a past with. He senses Lady Elaine glaring as he stands you back up. “What’s wrong, Satoru?”

“My first name, scandalous.” You shake your head at him with a little smile, until your eyes find her. “Ignore her. She’s angry I kicked her out that night.”

Your hands clutch tightly to his shoulders as his are on your waist, and you both glide together, effortlessly. “She’s glaring daggers at me.”

“Jealousy.”

“I doubt-”

“It is, because you have me.” He gulps then, sighing. “If you want to, of course… I know you…”

You caress his cheek then, mid movement, he leans into the touch with a sigh. “I want to try.” You say softly, and he sees how nervous you are, he can feel your pulse race as his thumbs brush the delicate veins of your inner wrist. “I’m terrified of how I feel, how easy it was this morning.” Your voice is a whisper.

“I know, I know… I have a surprise for you later.” You light up then, so pretty. “Do you like surprises?”

“I have not had very many, but yes I do. I think?” You’re so beautiful with that blush creeping up your neck.

“You think it’s a tawdry surprise, slutty girl.” He murmurs, earning you stomping on his foot, he huffs, glaring back at you.

“Oops, so clumsy.” You stick your tongue out through your teeth, Satoru snorts then, shaking his head.

“I’ll punish you later.” He says against the shell of your ear, as the song ends and he’s bent low, hand cupping your face.

“Oh will you? You can try.” He feels his body react as he dares to kiss your lips, in front of the entire ton, in front of onlookers and servants alike. He could devour you here, but he keeps it chaste, looking at the desire in your eyes when he backs away. “In front of them all?”

“They should know you’re mine.”

“Yours?”

“Even if you don’t know it yet.” He kisses your lips once more, earning the awws of many, and the look of ire from others, before leaning back and smirking at you. “You blush every-”

“I’ll stomp your other foot, Duke.” You shove him off you then, huffing so cutely, fuck the world melts when you are here, it’s like nothing else exists. Soon, Suguru and Shoko come up to you both, clear shock on their faces as they observe you all, and you straighten up, shyly smiling at them both.

“Did he drug you? Why are you so happy with this ass?” Shoko demands, and Satoru sticks his tongue out, earning your little giggle.

“You let her speak to me this way?” Satoru asks you.

“Oh, I love when she does.”

Suguru and Shoko chuckle, Satoru glares at all three of you. “You little brat, the most insolent-”

“Satoru…” Suguru starts, and Satoru sighs.

“It’s just foreplay, she’s quite… freaky.” Suguru blushes now, looking up at the chandeliers above you all, and you gasp, smacking at his shoulder, luckily no one really noticed as another dance has started.

“Oh! Oh? Oohhh…” Shoko puts it together now, looking at both of you. “Shit, really, him?”

“Shoko, you’re such a bitch.” She stomps on Satoru’s other foot now. “Surrounded by psychotic wenches.”

“What changed suddenly?” Suguru interjects, looking right at you as he speaks, a hand gentle on your arm, so caring. He makes Satoru want to punch him, though he knows he just cares for you, he detests anyone else touching you, even his best friend, a thing that surprises him.

With Adalia she had literally been with countless men, he did not want to know details, all he knew was his obsession with her. He cared little for what she did not around him, whereas the times you had gone to your baker, it had broken him, left him in fucking shambles. Once he sat there at the table for hours and hours, praying you would turn around, think better of it.

But why would you have? Satoru consistently pushed you, and he now understands completely why you did so. Though he wishes so fervently he could have had that special moment of being your first, he knows the man he was then did not deserve it. It did not change the fact that he wanted to kill the man who did it, that he wants you to completely forget him.

He wants to be your only, your last.

You’re surely his.

“I’m giving it some time…”

“A month.”

“No, Satoru… perhaps longer. I do not know yet.” His chest feels so light, like he can finally breathe again. “Time to help him with the villages, and… get to know each other finally. Exclusively.”

“That’s… that’s good news. Surprising news.” Suguru looks at Satoru now curiously, dark eyes narrowing, assessing him up and down. “Is Satoru back, is the shitty whore Duke gone?”

Satoru snorts, rolling his eyes, Shoko crosses her slender arms as she studies him as well. “I’d also like to know. You better treat her right, actually more than that, you should be kissing her feet.” She says.

“Kissing the ground she walks on.” Suguru says, and you’re grinning now, raising a brow expectantly at him.

“I’m frequently on my knees, if that helps.” Satoru says, for it is true, how many times had he sank to his knees for you, to beg for you, god only you could make him this way, and it still terrifies him. It’s a million times more intense than Adalia, it’s as if you’ve wiped her memories out, like that love was nothing.

But what if you still leave!?

Satoru does not know if he can live if you do, if he could live with himself knowing all the pain he caused and not have a chance to fix it, to make you feel loved, wanted, cherished. Those vows he never took seriously, now they’re like little biting wounds, of every single one he broke, has he even now made you feel cherished or loved, or simply… desired?

He wants to show you more, but he also knows it’s overwhelming, fuck he is overwhelming altogether, so he wants to give it time, but he is also consumed by you. Ever since he had you, since he felt you under him, felt your sweetness dripping down his cock, entwined his fingers with your own, he is more hopeless than before, so mad you make him just by existing.

You’re covering your mouth with your little gloved hand as they continue picking on Satoru, lighting up your face, lighting up the room. How could he have sapped so much joy from you!? How can he get over the hatred he has for himself, so he can show you the love building, and it’s a crushing, consuming love, one where it’s all he can think of.

All he can think of is you.

How many ways he can make you cum, how many times he could get you to scream out his name. How your beautiful fucking eyes glazed over when he got you off so hard you were convulsing, then that look when you’d been on your knees. But more than just that, more than your perfect cunt and body, no the moments where he just could hold you…

He’d never slept so well in his fucking life as last night, woken up just drooling on you, sprawled all over, taking over your bed, you’d just been snug and tight against him, so small and sweet. Satoru wanted to protect you from anything in the world, but what had he done, but been what you needed protecting from. Even Suguru had screamed at him, Shoko had, his mom had just from hearing rumors.

And you needed another man to protect you from him. Satoru hates that, more than anything, the thoughts that swirl as he realizes how much he pushed you, how much he took out every pain in his life on you. He does not think he even deserves to look upon you, but he’s so fucking selfish he’ll take it, take anything from you.

“I am starving.” You say, and he smiles at hearing it, it’s not something you would normally say, so worried constantly about appearances. “I am going to grab a bite to eat, let them yell at you more.”

He chuckles, kissing your hand gently, to the surprise of Suguru and Shoko, who share a little hopeful smile. “Sounds good, I’ll be waiting for another dance.”

“Hmm, maybe… we’ll see.” You tease, and Satoru is left with Shoko and Suguru, crossing their arms.

“She was completely done with you I thought.” Shoko says, Satoru sighs, the knife twisting in his stomach.

“I truly thought so as well. She had…”

“The papers, I am aware.” He glares at them, but then sighs once more, shaking his head. “I understand why you signed them. You all wanted better for her.”

They both look aghast now. “Have you actually come to your senses? Did all my smacks work?” Shoko asks, Satoru shakes his head once more, as a server brings them each a glass of champagne. He twists it in his hands now.

“She found someone else.” His voice is hoarse as he speaks, and they share a look, then nod a bit. “You knew?”

“Yes. I did not judge her for it. Though she should have picked me.” Suguru says with a smirk, and Shoko laughs.

“You’ve already kissed her, you ass.” Satoru glares, but Suguru shrugs, sipping on his champagne casually.

“Sure did. You deserved worse.”

“I know. But still you deserve a punch.”

“You deserve multiple.”

“I’d have kissed her if I was there.” Shoko says with a grin, earning another scowl from Satoru.

“Some friends I have!”

“You’re lucky you still have any. Even before her, you’ve been miserable.” Suguru says.

“I know. How about you both come to dinner this weekend? And I can explain myself.” They nod then, making Satoru exhale in relief. “It’s a long story…”

“Hey, is the Duchess alright? Her mother…” Suguru trails off now, and Satoru looks over at you, his stomach lurching when he looks at your mother grabbing your wrist roughly, shoving down whatever food you had in it. “What on Earth is she doing acting that way!?”

“What a little bitch. Should I spill a drink on her?” Shoko says through gritted teeth, her fists clenching in her silk gloves.

“She’s done this to her for her entire life.” Satoru whispers, furious as he watches your crestfallen face. “And I’m done with it.”

Satoru downs his drink in a gulp, handing the empty glass to Suguru now, before grabbing his and downing it as well. Suguru just nods to him, looking back at you now, concern washing his face. “I’ve always wondered if she had a problem, she never ate anything around me. Then you…”

“I know, I was horrible. I must fix at least one thing I can control.” Satoru says, and they nod.

“Go to her.” Suguru pats him on the shoulder, and now Satoru’s eyes are set on you across the room, striding towards you in long lengths, ignoring anyone and everyone who tries to pause him, speak to him.

He can see your mother bending over you, and you damn near fucking cowering, fiddling with your hands in front of yourself, before covering yourself up with your arms, hugging yourself, so insecure. It makes him sick and furious, sick for you, for what you feel when you shouldn’t, and furious this woman would continue on. He can’t even hear her words but he just knows.

He knows he needs to do one fucking thing right for you, one of many more things if you’ll allow him. He stands now right in front of you both, you’re standing in front of a tower of fruit and chocolate fountains, there’s the tiniest little plate where you had taken a bite of one. You look up at him now, eyes glistening with tears, and your mother attempts a fake smile.

“Your Grace!”

“Just what have you said to upset my wife?”

Your POV

His wife?

Why does hearing that make your heart race, make you overheat, to the point you almost feel giddy? It feels so good to hear him, to see him standing so tall next to you, putting a possessive arm around your waist, bringing you against him. Just days ago this would seem impossible, improbable, but now…

Your mother is sputtering, and you’re trying not to cry in front of an entire assembly of people, mostly gossipers, you’re trying to hold onto a frail composure, but it’s nearly impossible. The relief you feel when he’s next to you is indescribable, no matter what has happened between you two, once again he defends you from her, the woman you have no hope of standing up to.

You had just wanted a nibble as you had not had a chance to eat today with all the preparations, when your mother had smacked it right out of your hand, cruelly assessing your outfit. Asking why you had no corset, asking what you were wearing, telling you how horrible and wide waisted you look. That you were embarrassing her by being this way.

You cannot manage to stand up for yourself with her, you never really have been able to, unlike how you could with Duke Gojo. You’re now rubbing on the scar on your wrist, and Satoru’s eyes go there, you still have much to learn about each other, and you’re at times scared to open up. He’s trying, and you want to try, but it’s so terrifying to trust him.

It felt so easy, waking up next to him, those glittering blue eyes studying you, that silky white hair perfect even in the damn morning. You had shared this look with him as the sun’s rays had filtered in through the window, casting shadows on his perfect face, tempting you to caress a cheek. He had kissed you so hungrily, in the quiet little morning, a kiss that felt like so much more than lust.

Satoru Gojo surely knew lust, look at all his experience, but he says with you it is more, and you’re scared to believe him. But you do want to, and fuck if you don’t feel deeply for him, falling into a madness that consumes you. The thing that has scared you this entire time is your feelings for him, now more than ever, you feel your heart in his hands.

And he could crush you if he knew that you were falling head over heels in love with this cruel, foolish, toxic and insane man. A man that you should not feel this for, even though yes he’s trying, why do you want to forgive him so fast? Why not have him suffer, make him feel pain like you did…

Well because that’s not who you are.

But at the same time you can’t just express it, times like this morning you wanted to whisper ‘my love’ but you cannot yet. You still need to feel safe, so you must keep it to yourself, you do not want things used against you. Of course you want to believe him, but you’re still nervous, and he seems to understand, he does not ask for you to return the things he says.

But you feel them, with your entire body and soul, just dancing with him in his arms, looking up at him in his elegant black suit, you wanted to melt into him then and there, as if it were only you two. The rest of the world seems to fade in the background, even before, even when you hated each other, it was like it was just you two and that hatred.

Was it ever hatred? You still do not know. Even then you wanted to figure him out, to solve him, even in Nanami’s bed you’d thought of him, you had dreamed of him so many times. You were always consumed by him, but now the hatred has ebbed and flowed, and you’re left with more and more feelings beyond desire, especially now as he’s studying you carefully.

You had cut yourself a few times, always in the same place, and unfortunately once was a very deep one, on accident. You had wanted to do it as a punishment, because you knew you could never live up to your mother’s expectations. But that day, you’d been happy, simply been baking muffins in the kitchens with the cooks, and had been nibbling when she’d found you.

You always had strict rules set by your mother, and even more as a young adult, as your mother put more and more pressure on you. You had to have the tiniest waist, they would corset you down to a ridiculous eighteen inches at certain points, but as you matured, you could only get to twenty inches, and to see you indulging had set your mother into a fit of course.

She had laced you up herself in the room, laced you so tightly and with so much force you threw up the only thing you had eaten, she did not hit you or hurt you, your parents never did such a thing, for that you guess you are lucky. But she had said the meanest things as she laced you up, of how no man would want you, of how you needed to be prettier, better, thinner.

You’d sobbed as she had left, just a tying of a corset became something so disgusting, and after you’d thrown up the contents of your stomach, barely able to breathe, you’d had an asthma attack. Finally getting to the kitchens, you’d instead found a knife, and sliced your wrist so deep blood had poured everywhere, and for a moment you felt a dizzying peace.

Your nan had stitched you up, sobbing, you had broken her heart, you knew, but she never judged you, she just unlaced you, caring for the blood not just on your wrist but on your back from your mother’s tight lacing. She had bandaged you up and held you as you sobbed all night, telling you that you were worthy.

Even thinking of it now makes you choke up, sniffling back tears as you struggle to focus, to not let such thoughts drag you down. “I merely am concerned at what she is wearing, your Grace. Where is her corset, and what is this dress!?”

“She can wear whatever she bloody well wants, first off Mama.” Satoru says, squeezing you tightly. “Second off, she looks beautiful, women do not wear corsets, not young women anyway. It’s not even in fashion. You would want my Duchess out of fashion?”

“No, of course not but it’s not flattering! She had the smallest waist, your Grace, before you met-”

“How much smaller does she need to fucking be!? How can she have children if she starves herself, she’s already done so enough I imagine in your care.” He scowls at her now, and she returns it.

“Well, I never! She had everything she wanted.” You scoff now, earning her ire. “Something to say?”

“No.” You whisper, hating yourself, and Satoru looks at you in confusion, thin white brows drawn together.

“That’s fine, I have much to say on her behalf, first and foremost you will no longer try to control what she eats, what she wears, anything. I am her husband now, and that duty is only for me. And I say she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Is this understood, my Lady?” His words in your defense touch you deeply, as you look up at him, seeing the set to his jaw, feeling his grip on you.

Your mother sighs, looking at you with disdain up and down. “You of course have that right, but I caution you to think better. She enjoys sweets too much, what if she becomes-”

“She can have whatever it is she wants. And she’s beautiful, so beautiful you feel the need to down her. Is it your inadequacies you push?” Your mouth drops open, your mother blushing furiously, fanning herself now as your dad comes up, smiling and patting your head. Though a little awkward and distant, he was kind, completely clueless surely.

“What’s going on with you three? People are looking.” He says, Satoru smirks just a bit at him.

“I was informing your wife it’s a husband’s duty to watch what his wife does, not her mother’s any longer. Would you agree my Lord?” Satoru asks, and your father glares at your mother now.

“Again?” He asks quietly, she rolls her eyes.

“I’m just looking out for her, I just care for her.”

“Perhaps your care has nearly ended me.” You finally murmur, earning Satoru and your father’s concerned gaze, your mother looks further irritated.

“So ungrateful, I-”

“That’s quite enough. You will no longer speak to her and upset her in that way, especially if you do not wish to lose all your invitations garnered by her being married to me. Is that quite clear?” Satoru’s icy blue eyes glare right at her, your dad senses the tension and tugs at her arm.

“She’s just feeling a little out of sorts. Apologize, darling.” Your dad says, your mom is seething, scowling down at you.

“Fine, let yourself go then. I suppose it’s your right, you’re married well, but I hope you set a better example for your-”

“That’s enough. An apology, then you may leave.” Satoru says again, she looks up at him, mouth setting.

“I apologize, your Grace.”

“No, to her, to your daughter.” You tense next to him now, shaking your head, and Satoru looks even more curiously at you.

“No need, Mama.” You murmur, now Satoru is glaring down at you.

“There is a need. I insist.” He speaks through gritted teeth. You take a breath, and your mother looks down for a moment, seeing you two.

“You’re indeed in love, aren’t you? You both are lucky.” You both pause at that. “You shall hear no more, it is your right as her husband to control such things. I bid you both a good evening.” Your dad pauses as your mom turns away.

“I hope you are doing well, darling. You look lovely.” You smile then, taking his hand, as he nods his head to Satoru. “Your Grace.”

“My Lord.” He says in return, then, he looks down at you, and you can’t control it anymore, you feel yourself falling apart, at how much you just…

How much you feel.

He stood up for you again from her, someone you can’t manage to stand up for yourself, the emotions are now overwhelming, the things you constantly want to hold back, the fears you should have and do have shoved back for just this moment. You take his hands in yours, as he looks down at you, concern written on his face, delicately wiping a tear.

“Come, too many onlookers, let us have privacy for a moment.” You nod then, letting him walk you out of the room, your tears catch the lights of the chandeliers above your heads, glinting in the evening. He leads you through a sea of lords and ladies, through an empty corridor, until he has you in a large study, shutting the door behind you.

It’s quiet for a moment, as he clicks the lock, then you can’t hold it in any longer, your tears, your feelings, as soon as he has turned to face you, you’re against him, pulling him down by the lapels of his jacket, tip toeing. You smash your lips on his, and he devours yours, kissing you over and over, hands cupping your face, tasting the salt of your tears.

His hands soon come to grip your waist, burning through the layers of your gown, finally he leans back, blue eyes flickering back and forth as he studies you, wiping more of the tears that flow. He’s quiet for just a moment, exhaling and then kissing your cheeks, your forehead, and you cling to his wrists, trembling.

“Thank you, Satoru. You didn’t have to do that.” You whisper finally, looking up at him through your watery gaze.

“It’s the very least I can do. What has she done to make you so… weak in front of her? Where’s the angry brat I’m used to?” You giggle a bit then, but he seems very serious, taking off your gloves slowly, a thumb brushing your wrist. “I have no right to ask more about you, but if you would share?”

You nod then, he sits you on the settee, coming to sit next to you, an arm wrapped around your shoulders, pulling you against him. “I was never good enough for her, Satoru, never ‘perfect’ enough. So I began to punish myself for my imperfections…” He gulps, his own eyes filled with emotions.

“I always thought you were so perfect, that it vexed me. Until I got to truly know you, and realize you… are quite a mess.”

“Hey!” He chuckles, as you shove at him, sniffling now.

“Beautiful mess.” You take a breath now, leaning closer, letting him brush your arm up and down gently.

“You make it difficult to keep hating you. Odd for a man so hateable prior.” He smiles sadly, snowy lashes lowering over his irises.

“I surely was easy to hate. So… the perfection was hard to reach for you? Where does it leave the rest of us?”

“Oh hush. No it was impossible, and soon I well… cut myself.”

Satoru gulps now, eyes glimmering. “Fuck.”

“Is this too-”

“No, I want to know you. Please.” You nod then, hearing the desperation in his voice, feeling yourself want him more, in ways you never knew, in ways that scare the fuck out of you, telling him things no one knew but Nan, and even she did not know all of it.

“I did it to punish myself for my inadequacy.” You whisper, his eyes flutter shut for a moment, pulling you even closer. “I went too far one night, when she was particularly cruel to me, I had been eating muffins in the kitchen. That’s why the scar is there, I cut too deep, then for a moment… I thought perhaps things would be better if-”

“No, no, no. Never. Would anything be better without you here.” He cups your face now, squeezing so hard you wince, and you can’t stop the break down, as he kisses you once more, soft brushes of once cruel lips. “I said that day that I wanted you not to exist, and I’ll never fucking forgive myself for it now. What if you hurt yourself due to me!?”

“Satoru, I didn’t, and I forgive you.” His jaw clenches.

“You shouldn’t! You shouldn’t!” He’s shaking you now, choking up on his own words, chest heaving with his breaths. You shake your head, running your hands up his chest now.

“I do forgive you for it. I do. You have to forgive yourself.”

“No, I will not. I’ll hate myself for you.”

“Satoru, you’re trying. I see it. I see you.” You swipe the moisture from his cheek now, and Satoru exhales, leaning in closer, hands on your waist, pressing in, your back against the chaise now, his body hard against yours.

“How can you forgive me?”

“Because I… because I feel… I am…” You can’t say it, fuck you want to, the words choke in your throat, and Satoru notices, now you’re on your back, pressed into the firm cushion, and he’s braced on top of you, as both of your hearts pound in your chests.

“I will never let you be hurt again, even if it’s me, even if I have to remove my goddamn self from your life. I swear it to you. I will never. Not your bitch mother, not some lady I was foolish enough to lay with, no one. I will protect you as long as you stay with me.” Your eyes are so full of tears it’s difficult to see, they’re falling down hot and sticky, as he leans so close you can feel his body weight on you.

“I believe you.” You say softly, voice breaking. “I forgive you.”

“How!?”

“Because I see what’s underneath, I see who you are. Yes it still fucking hurts, yes I’m terrified, but I am… I am…”

“Scared to say it.” He murmurs, and you nod. “Then let me say it.”

“Satoru, no…”

“I’m falling deeper in love every second I breathe your air, air I do not think I even deserve to share. Every time you smile it stabs me in the goddamn heart, the broken, fucked up heart that beats just for you.”

“Don’t!” You try to stop it, to stop his words, words that will end you, but Satoru will not allow it.

“It’s the truth, it is. You do not have to say anything back, fuck I do not deserve it, do not deserve any of you. Just know it is true, that my greatest regret is making the woman I am falling in love with hurt. The one I want to make feel so fucking good every day now, the one that deserves the world, deserves more than I could ever give. But I will try, I will try everything I can-”

“Satoru.” You cut him off then, as his words wrack through you, as he’s saying things that seem surreal.

“I’m sorry, it’s too much, it’s just that you consume me, kill me-”

“Satoru.” He sighs.

“You mean to crush me between your little fingers, do it, it’s yours.” He puts your hand on his heart, you feel it pounding against your palm.

“You have to forgive yourself.”

“No. I love you too much not to hate me.” His words ruin you, the intent behind them, the intensity, words you feel too, but fuck you’re still so afraid

“Stop it. I don’t hate you, quite the opposite.” His lips part then, glossy and tempting. “I should hate you.”

“You should.”

“Just… kiss me.” He slams his lips down on yours now, taking everything you ever thought you knew and knocking it over, his lips feel so perfect as if they were always supposed to be there, like there was nothing before him, and there is nothing but him.

“I shouldn’t get to kiss you.” He says as he leans up, hand on one of your thighs, sliding up your stocking clad leg, making you tremble. “I shouldn’t get to touch you. To exist near you.”

“Well guess what, I want you to. I want you. Yes you were a fucking ass, and yes I’m terrified, but let me decide what I want.” Your voice breaks once more as he finds you, hot and eager, when weren’t you for him? He moans softly as he feels you, as your hips arch up.

“Nothing has ever felt like this.” He murmurs, sliding two fingers in your soppy little entrance, stretching you out and making you gasp, covering your mouth to hide a cry as he studies you. “No one has ever felt like this. All I am thinking of is how badly I want you to forget that anyone ever touched you, kissed you. I want it all to be me.”

“You’re insane, you know that? Mnh…” You’re arching up for more of his touch, in some Lord’s study, in the middle of a ball, but it’s what you want, you want him more than anything, your cunt greedily sucking him in, soaking his fingers.

“I want you to be mine, Duchess. All mine. Selfish and greedy, I know. But I crave it, I want it, I need it. Only mine.”

“Fuck you talk too much.” You whisper, earning his scowl, and you can’t help but giggle before he’s shoving his third finger in your pussy, making you gasp, just to the first knuckle.

“Too much? Can’t take it?” He whispers, challenging you now, and it’s your turn to glare up at him.

“Maybe I want y-you to… forget about anyone.”

He chuckles as you hear your squishing wetness, hand moving under your gown, working you so good you’re getting closer and closer. “I already have. All I can see is you, even when I close my damn eyes.” His lips hover as he shoves his fingers deeper, moaning. “Feel her pulsing around them.”

“Ngh…” You’re so close when suddenly the door knob jiggles, and you gasp, pulling away, but he gently eases his fingers out, sucking you off him, the sticky honeyed arousal, moaning. “You’re insane!”

“You enjoy it, slutty girl.” He whispers, kissing you once more, and you’re so close it hurts, throbbing now.

“I hurt, fuck.” You curse, Satoru chuckles, helping you up, smoothing out your dress now.

“Come now, let us put on our airs, and don’t wobble, they’ll know.”

“Oh fuck you!” You shove him and he snatches you up, picking you up in his arms, your feet dangling as you cling to him.

“I’ll punish this dirty mouth later.” His words excite you, goddammit, everything about him does. When you all are dancing another set later on, you are dancing with Suguru and him with Shoko, it’s almost impossible not to throw yourself at him, you try to remember how much you should hate him, and those things are always in the back of your head, but now…

Now things aren’t as they were before.

“You wound me, Duchess.” Suguru says with a pout, you look up at his handsome face and smile. “And you smile at my pain!?”

“Oh hush, you just wanted to comfort me that night.”

“I’ll let you both think that.” He shoots a wink at you, earning your blush. “How is the puppy Satoru?”

“So good! You’re coming over for dinner, yes?”

“Yes, I look forward to knowing what happened in just a few days' time. I can’t say I’m not happy though, to see him so… in love.”

“You think he truly is?”

“I know he is. But I knew that, which is why it was so baffling, to watch him go against everything he felt, and be so nasty. It’s hard for me to forget that dinner.”

“I know, Lord Geto.” You sigh, as the song ends, and he kisses your hand, his long silky hair falling over one shoulder.

“I want you both to be happy. You let me know if we need to beat him.” You laugh softly as you give him a curtsy.

“Indeed. I may need you to, you never know.” You look then, to see Lady Elaine as well as four other women all over Satoru, as he looks right at you, drinking a glass of whiskey. Suguru also looks.

“He needs your rescue, Duchess.” You roll your eyes.

“Does he?”

“He’s mouthing ‘help me’. So.” You head over now, and Satoru grins, and fuck if it doesn’t do things to you, to see him happy in these moments, to see him like this, you wonder how long you can hold it in, the joy in what Satoru said to you.

Falling in love with you.

You should question it, question him, but all you can think of is how he said it, and what you felt when he did. How deeply in your soul you feel his words, words that Nanami had said, but for some reason, you didn’t react that way. You felt that terrible Nanami felt in such a way for you, because you knew you didn’t feel close, even then you knew.

Even when Satoru was horrible, even when you’d smacked him, when you’d spit such vitriol at each other, something was there, in his touch, in his gaze, filled with hatred, and oh you did hate him then. You still hate what he did, it’s not forgotten even if you have forgiven him, it’s in the back of your head taunting you, scaring you, but it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change how you feel.

How you feel seeing women around him, when you had grown so accustomed, when you let it go, got used to it. Now, however, they look at you, the woman who used to be so inconsequential, Satoru has one hand in his pocket, the other holding the little crystal glass tumblr. You clear your throat now, and Satoru smirks.

“My beautiful wife.” He says, earning the pouts of most of them, they all flit away but Elaine, who scowls at you now. You simply give her a smile.

“Lady Elaine.”

“Your Grace.” She spits out, as Satoru pulls you into his arms, kissing you right in front of her, earning her mouth dropping. “Ah, so romantic, I wonder what the Ton would think if they knew the truth? That you were with another man, right in the next room, and I heard- ah!”

You have spilled a drink all over Lady Elaine’s dress now, feigning innocent shock, as Satoru struggles to hide his chuckles. “Oh dear, I am ever so clumsy I fear, so sorry Lady Elaine!”

“You little bitch, I-”

“You mean your Grace.” Satoru says between his teeth, an arm around your waist as she scowls up at him, people are gathering around, whispering, clearly having heard.

“Would you like your husband to know your indiscretions?” You whisper, right against her face, hands clenched into fists. Her eyes lower, and she shakes her head now. “You slept with my husband, I’ve done you no wrong. You have no right to threaten me, but just know, you will not scare me.”

“He said he didn’t even want you, you know that right?” You choke up then, and Satoru scowls.

“You mean when I kicked you out and said I only wanted her?” She can’t meet your eyes, huffing and turning away now.

“Toxic insane couple.” You can’t help but agree internally, as she is stomping away. You and Satoru look at each other, as the past seems to keep trying both of you. “I swear it, I told her to leave.”

“I believe you.”

“You do!?”

You smile a bit at his surprise. “I do. I remember checking on you that night…” 

“I know, I was awake.” He caresses your face, peering around then, as people are murmuring about the couple so in love, and you feel the weight of their gazes upon you both. “Let us go home.”

“Home?” You say softly.

“Yes, the surprise awaits.”

“It better be a good one, all this build up.”

“I think you’ll like it, Princess.”

“The bed!? It’s…”

“Gone.” Satoru grins as he leads you into his bedchambers, a brand new four post bed in the room, it’s nothing like the other one. You hesitantly walk up to it, brand new blankets, brand new frame, brand new everything.

“You… you really did this?” You murmur, looking up at him, as he closes the door behind him, walking up to you in long strides, arms wrapping around your waist, pulling your back against him. You exhale, eyes fluttering shut at how good it feels.

“I will burn every piece of furniture in this manor if you wish me to.” He whispers in your ear. “If every piece gets me one more day with you.”

You turn in his hold, breasts heaving and rising with every labored breath, his face full of desire as you yank him down to you. “You would burn that table too?”

“I’ll burn the fucking table.” You moan then, letting his lips devour yours, his hands grip your ass, bringing his thigh between yours. “Feel that fucking heat.” He whispers, and you grind helpless, craving more, more.

“You’re still… a whore.” He smirks as he works the laces of your bodice, ribbon by ribbon.

“And you’re a slutty little Princess. Aren’t you? For me?” You cry out when your breasts spill out of your top, and he’s gripping them in his big hands, kissing you again, tongue sliding against yours, swirling in your mouth. Your tongue joins him and meets him, stroke for stroke.

“For you, against… mmm… better judgment.” He’s got your skirts on the floor, undoing your stays, your hands tremble as you slide off his jacket, unbuttoning his shirt, eyeing the marble perfection that he is, your eyes lock then, as you’re both panting, both messes, until you’re bare in front of him, and he drinks you in.

“You’re beautiful. So beautiful.”

“Stop making me fall for you. I hate it.” He pauses then, brows together, lips parted just so, as you feel yourself pouring your own goddamn heart on the floor. “I’m so scared to let you have it. What if you crush it?”

“Your heart?”

“Yes. Yes… I’m scared, Satoru. Scared to feel this.”

“Well I’m fucking terrified, Duchess.” You’re stroking him then, finding his hard length over his trousers, as he is grabbing your bare ass, moaning, kissing your lips brutally.

“Of feeling this?” You ask, weak when he’s picked you up, hoisting you onto the new bed, exhaling as he looks at you with insane eyes, shaking his head, hands slipping down your waist, your hips, thumbs pressing in.

“Of you leaving me, as you should. I can’t imagine living with it, knowing I pushed the one thing I love away.” He gulps now, and you feel it, his fear, his truth. “You don’t have to love me back, you can let me love you.”

“You’re so stupid. You’re so annoying. Why do you do this?” He sighs, a hand bracing himself up, your own fingers drift down the hard muscles of his abdomen, watching them tense under your touch.

“I cannot help but beg for you to stay with me. I’ll keep begging.” He’s found you again, your slick cunt that he’d so toyed with earlier, moaning as she responds to him, slick pouring out of you. “I’ll beg every moment for any of you.”

“Fuck you.” He kisses you now, you cling to him, back arching for more of his touches, as he kisses your neck.

“I’ll fuck you, Princess. Don’t worry.” You can’t even speak as he’s scissoring his fingers in and out of you, until you climax so hard you can’t see, gasping for breath. He’s kissing down your stomach, it’s too sweet, it’s too intimate, his eyes dilated as he looks up at you, big hands gripping your thighs. “I love your taste, I love your body, I love-”

“Fuck you.” You barely manage to say it again, he smirks against your thigh, before running his tongue up your slit, already over sensitive. You scream out, head pressing back against the pillows. “Fuck you for being so… good at that!”

“I love watching you cum.” You’re crying when he’s sucking your clit into his mouth now, a hand pressing on your tummy as he does, his tongue lavishing the underside of it with hot flicks, watching you fall apart. Your hands sink into his silky locks, pulling him closer, hips bucking up for more of him, feeling his moans vibrate your clit until he has you cumming again.

This orgasm washes through your entire body, leaving you weak, he slips up your body with kisses, it’s too sweet, it’s too much. It’s not rough and stupidly insane, he’s worshiping your body with his hands, his lips, his eyes. You feel everything about to explode as your feelings overwhelm you, especially when his hand entwines with one of yours, and your eyes meet.

“Fuck you for this.” He nods just a bit, as your free hand cups his face, the aftershocks of your orgasm wrecking your resolve. “You hit me or something, you choke me, you… call me a slut. Whatever you need, don’t do this, don’t.”

“Don’t make love to you?” He whispers, and you nod jerkily.

“I can’t take it if you do.” You gasp when he presses inside your soaking entrance, thick tip drooling precum as it slips in, and you’re trembling, panting, your nails digging into his perfect skin as he sinks into your heat. He moans as you do, hovering over you, just sitting there. “D-don’t look at me like this.”

“Like you’re beautiful? Precious? Like I love you?” Your lip trembles so much you bite it to stop it, as he gently rocks out and then inside your pussy, your walls fluttering around him.

“Yes, like that. Scowl or something.” You plead, sniffling as the tears won’t stop, but he shakes his head, pulling a thigh over his arm now, sinking deeper, gasping as his tip hits your cervix, and you’re blinded when he’s grinding on it.

“Let me love you. Please.” He begs now, bracing an arm next to your head and cupping your face as he slowly slides into you, and you feel it, your body responding, the heavy weight of him, the thickness of him inside you, his heart thrumming so wildly you feel it against your breasts.

“I’m scared.” He nods, kissing you now, pressing in again, and you both kiss as he rocks into you, as he rolls his hips just so, tip dragging on your spot, now you’re lost to him, blinded, as he lowers all your defenses.

“Then just let me say it. It’s… ah… you’re so fucking tight…” He trails off, his eyes rolling back for a moment, starting to pump into you, you’re soaking his length, clinging to him as he rocks into you, faster now, but still he’s not fucking your body. He’s fucking your mind. “I’ll only say it.”

“Shut up.” You kiss him once more, moaning into his mouth as he begins pumping his thick cock inside of you, you hear it even at his gentle pace, you hear how wet you are, mingling with your shared breaths, your cries. You get further lost in him, lost in those eyes that swirl, that glitter, those lips that kiss you, the sweat that drips off his brow onto your lips.

Satoru loses himself to you, as you lose yourself to him, as he’s making love to you in a way you never knew possible, a way that is so beautiful you can’t take it. You drown in it, drown in him, every cry and gasp and breath a part of a song, a song that is both of you, that is the undeniable fact you’ve tried to hide, to shove down, to push away at every moment.

That you…

“Feel s’good, oh my god. Tight little cunt. Fuck.” He’s cursing now, going just a little faster, you know he’s trying to keep it slow, but he’s lost in you, eyes intoxicated just like you are for him, his kisses the sweetest alcohol you could ever have, a dose of laudanum could not come close to the euphoria you feel.

“Ngh… Toru…” He moans at that, placing both of your thighs up higher, dragging your hips down and sliding his cock even deeper, so deep you can’t take it, his hand comes to your tummy now, moaning.

“Feel myself here, do you, Princess?” Satoru’s words make you blush even during sex, and he takes your hand, putting it on your tummy, you feel it then, his cock bulging your tummy.

“That’s…” You move your hand, and he tilts your chin down, to watch it as he leans up on his knees, you watch your stomach bulge as he presses in, gasping, your eyes locking with his again, before looking back down. Your cum is forming a creamy ring at the base of his cock, his long fingers sliding over your body, splaying the expanse of your waist.

“Look how deep I am. Mmm….” He’s moaning as he watches, and the intensity is so much, even more so when he finds your clit with his thumb, running in little circles on it, engorged and sensitive.

“Satoru!” You cry out, and he hisses when your walls clench him, tight like a vise, his head falling back, exposing that strong neck, before his eyes are back on you, and he’s fucking you so deep, so deep you feel him everywhere, and you’re shattering around him.

“That’s it, oh god, that’s it.” He’s trembling as he lays back on you, hand digging into your hip, pressing it down to shove in so deep you’re both screaming out together, clinging to each other. “Fuck I love you.”

“Stop it, stop it, mmm…”

“I do. I can’t stop it. I can’t stop it, fucking wanna cum in your little cunt, fill you up with my seed.”

“Satoru!” He’s moaning now, fucking quicker, harder, bringing you to the brink, fucking you right through your aftershocks.

“I won’t, I won’t… just wanna. Wanna breed you. Pretty fucking pussy. Pretty little face.”

“Goddammit.” You’re digging your nails into his back, and he just moans, eyes fluttering shut, kissing you again and again.

“Cum again, please, I’m close.” He whispers against your ear now, and you take several shaky breaths, convulsing under him as he starts fucking you hard, thrusts so goddamn good, pelvis smacking against yours over and over. “Let me feel you, my pretty little Princess.”

“N-no. Say slut or something!”

“No.”

“Fuck you so much.” He smiles just a bit, before moaning once more, slowing and thickening inside of you.

“Come on pretty, once more, can’t take her, too perfect.” You can’t anymore, you grip his face, rolling your hips up, earning his groan.

“I am falling in love with you too.” He gasps then, pausing, even as his cock is throbbing, and your cunt is soaking him, he does not move. He’s in shock, eyes looking wildly. “It doesn’t mean… I don’t… that I will… cum in me, fuck.”

“What!? You-”

“Cum in me. Please.” He groans now, pumping into you more and more, nearly sobbing with you as he kisses you, as he raises your thigh, fucking you into some other realm, like you’re floating, clinging to him to exist.

“Gonna cum in you, fill you up, hmm? You want it?” You nod eagerly against his neck as he moves, hitting that spot again with his tip. “Take it all, can you?”

“Yes, y-yes.” You manage to whisper, and now you he’s pulsing, and you feel your walls clamp down around his thickness, and he cums hard as he slams his lips on yours, his hot seed spilling into you, filling you so full. “Ah!”

“F-fuck…” He groans as you cum with him, your walls pulsing around him, his name on your lips, your name on his, his eyes never leaving yours, even as he’s lost in his own pleasure. He’s filling you with hot sticky cum, coating your walls, pumping in slowly now, letting out a shaky breath. “Painting your pretty insides. Princess…”

“Toru…” You whine as you both come down, sticky with sweat, and between your thighs his cum and yours drip down his length, a mess of arousal.

“Holy fuck I’ve never…” He shakes his head, and the weight of what you’ve both done hits you. “You truly love me? How?” He’s stroking your head, gulping, and you smile through more tears, struggling to come to, as he eases out of your pussy, a mess of fluids dripping, making you flush as you watch.

“I do not have an answer for how, only that I am falling. I’m scared that this happiness is fleeting. That this will end horribly. But I want this. Want you.” He kisses you again so deeply, moaning as his lips smack over and over, you’re shuddering at how good it feels, meeting his kiss each time, basking in how it feels.

It should be scarier, falling for Satoru.

It should terrify the fuck out of you, maybe it does.

But it also feels good. It feels good to say it finally, to put words to the things that have tortured you. “I won’t let your heart be hurt. I swear I’ll try everything.”

“I shall hold you to it.” You say, as he strokes your cheek, smiling so big, his smile makes you melt, filling your heart so full you think it will burst.

“Will you finally sleep in the bed?” He asks, and you bite your lip, nodding, then as he’s pulled you against him later that evening, wrapping an arm around your waist, you lay in Duke Gojo’s bed, with him behind you, already sleepy, already too damn comfortable. “Mmm, I never thought to have you here.”

“Satoru… you’ll do anything for me, you say?”

“Oh god… what is it?”

“I want you to get rid of the table.” You say with an evil little grin, raising your brows, Satoru laughs, shaking his head.

“I can get rid of the table. What else?” He pecks kisses on your cheek now, you sigh happily.

“That will do for now.”

“Mmm… good night, needy Princess.”

“Good night, Satoru.”

Gojo’s POV

The next morning you are the one up first, Satoru feels you brushing his hair back gently, he opens his eyes and smiles at you, you return in, blushing so pretty, your usually put together hair a mess from last night. You’re only wearing a little silk chemise, a pretty blue one that feels so soft against his bare chest, it’s nearly as soft as your skin, pressed against him.

You’re toying with his hair now, spiking it up and giggling, his thigh is between both of yours, his cock throbbing with need already, craving to be back inside of you, craving to cum in you again and again. He grabs one of your thighs now, hitching it over his, watching you bite your lower hip, your eyelids lower, desire filling your pretty eyes, mirroring his own.

He’s slipped your chemise up, grabbing your ass in his hand, his cock brushing over your slit, through thin material, which you quickly soak with your arousal. His heart races as your nails dig into his biceps, then your head falls back, he starts kissing down your neck, biting it then, hard, your skin between his teeth. Your nails dig in harder, your hips rolling as you grind against him.

Last night he’d wanted to make love to you, to show you how beautiful you are to him, how much he loves you, but of course, he loves when you’re a freaky brat too, and now he’s craving just that. He quickly turns you, to where your back is against him, the curve of your ass against his hard length, he pulls it out as he pulls your thigh high over his arms, starting to rub his tip against your folds.

“Satoru!” You cry out, voice cracking in the middle, your head falling back, he wraps his other hand around your neck, moaning as he finally kisses your lips.

“Want this cock in you, slutty brat?” He whispers, you respond so goddamn well, starting to soak him now, dripping wet and slippery as he slides more and more, pressing just a bit against your clit. His tip leaks precum on it, and you’re gasping now, so sensitive.

“Fuck you, Satoru.” He smiles against your neck, biting you again, feeling your body tense up, cunt gushing arousal all over him.

“You’re soaking fucking wet, slutty pussy.”

“Mnh…” You look back at him then, eyes dilated, lips parted, your pretty breasts rise and fall with each breath.

“Want me to break you, Princess?”

“Shut up and fuck me, Satoru.” He moans, fuck he loves your bitchy attitude, he wants to fuck it right out of you then back into you.

“No fingering? That needy?” He asks, and you whine then, reaching back and grabbing his cock, placing it at your entrance, he groans then, feeling his tip push past the tight ring of muscles, you start cumming just from that, little hole tightening, making him shiver at how good it feels.

“Oh my god. Please.” You whisper.

“So sweet suddenly? Need something?” He presses in deeper, pulling back out, earning your huff of irritation, before he shoves his cock deeper now, your walls fluttering around him, feeling so fucking good he can’t take it. “Mmm…”

“More, more… I need more.” You plead so prettily, a hand reaching back to grab at his arm as he fucks into you fully, bottoming out in your tight little cunt, stuffing you so full, cursing at how perfect you feel. You’re made for him, you must be. “Satoru!”

“Desperate, cumming and I’m not trying.” He earns your scowl back at him now, but he fucks it away quickly, tip bullying against your cervix now, thinking about busting so deep inside you, filling you up again.

“You talk too bloody much.” You say angrily, so he smirks, fucking into you harder, lifting your thigh and pounding your cunt now. You fall apart around him, moaning loudly, and he kisses your neck, fucking you through it, feeling your walls tighten.

“That’s a good little slut, so perfect. You’re made for me.” You’re shaking now, he can tell you’re sensitive, overstimulated, so he decides to torture you worse, reaching  around your hip, his thumb pressing into your clit.

“F-fuck, too much!” You’re wriggling now, so he starts to thrust even harder, you’re so wet for him, soaking his hand, soaking the sheets.

“Too much, thought you could take it? ‘Fuck me Satoru!’”

“I hate you.” You turn your head to him, eyes narrowed even as they’re cock drunk on him, he grins as he gets you close again, rubbing your clit as he fucks your soaking wet little cunt, your glare turning him on as much as when you yank on his hair, dragging his lips to yours. “I can take it, you… arrogant… ah!”

“That’s it, cum like a good little whore f’me, only me.” He huffs, and then drinks your cries, as you convulse against him. Fuck you feel so good, he tenses now, as your walls try to milk him, and your eyes are rolled back, mouth lolled open, cumming on his cock all over again. “Want me to fill you up again? Make you so fuckin full of me?”

He’s pressing on your stomach, imagining you round with him, for some reason it makes him fucking feral, changing everything he’s ever known or thought. You are nodding eagerly, barely whispering his name, he grins as he realize he’s fucked your thoughts out of your head. He wants it to be him and only him there, just as you are all that’s inside his head.

You’re everything.

“Then beg for it.”

“Fuck off!”

“Beg for it, brat. Wanna have my baby?” You whine out again, taking several breaths.

“This is madness…”

“You’re madness.” He kisses you again, feeling your soft lips melding to his, as he pushes in so deep and rocks inside you.

“Please.” You whisper finally, and he moans and starts spilling inside you, coating your velvety walls with so much cum it’s insane. You seem to make him cum a ridiculous amount every fucking time. You are pulsing around him, as he’s throbbing in you, as if she wants to milk more.

“G-greedy pussy, she wants more?” He manages, eyes rolling back in his head as he slowly pushes more, you just nod, a weak little whimper.

Satoru eases out of you then, watching the mess of cum dribble out of your pussy, he reaches down and slides a finger through it, bringing it up to your mouth, and you suck it clean. You’re looking so pretty with your cheeks flushed, hairs sticking to your damp forehead, looking up at him through your lashes, and he’s lost again, lost in you.

“I’ll never let you out of this bed.” He says then, and you laugh a bit, caressing his cheek. “I’m so in love with you, evil succubus.”

“Succubus?”

“It’s a sex demon-”

“Satoru! You’re awful.” He just smirks, pressing you down on your back now, kissing down between your perfect breasts, your hips shift now, as his hands set on your little waist and you brush his hair back. “Should this feel so natural?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt this.” He says, sincerely, as you hold his heart in your pretty little hands, and now he knows he has yours, something he doesn’t deserve, but he craves it. Needs it, needs you, like a consuming madness that increases with every moment he breathes.

“Me either.” You whisper, easing his fears, his worries. He kisses your tummy, picturing it now, full of him, making him hard again.

“Let’s stay in bed all day. Fuck duties.” He says, and you laugh, shaking your head at him. “What, we never had a honeymoon.”

“No, we didn’t, we…”

“I was terrible.” He rests his head on your chest, loathing setting in, but you do not rub it in his face, his mistakes, you just sigh, brushing his hair back, and fuck it feels so good.

“We have things to do, lazy Duke.”

“Lazy!?”

You’re grinning as he leans up, then the servants are knocking, and he sighs, kissing you over and over. He wants to stay in this bubble, he’s so terrified of what can come between you both, especially last night. Your mother’s cruelty, Lady Elaine being a royal bitch, you both handled it, but how much of his own mess would he have to deal with?

Your POV

Another day in town, this time a much better off part of Satoru’s estates, but it still required much work as well. The villages are already much improved, you and Satoru are starting to feel so good about it all, about what you are doing together. Today you’re focusing on more fortunate people certainly, but there still are many matters you both need to attend to.

You are talking to some of the tenants as Satoru does more negotiating, when suddenly you see a tall dark haired businessman in a suit, and recognize him as the lawyer, Nanami’s friend Higuruma. You pause, blinking a bit, seeing him speaking to one of the business owners across the street, only for Nanami Kento to walk out with him.

You feel sick to your stomach when his hazel eyes catch you, knowing you have done just what he thought you would, and his lips set into a stern line as Satoru comes out of the building, pulling you against him, smiling. You cannot smile back, you’re panicking now, chest so tight, as you begin to remember, the hurt on Nanami’s face, the fucking pain you caused.

“Too long with stuffy men, need my bratty Princess.” He murmurs, kissing you gently, and it feels so good, but you know then, who’s watching. You try to pull away a bit, to explain, when suddenly Nanami is standing right in front of you both.

Satoru scowls at him, pulling his lips off you, and you look between the two men now, throat tightening even more as the panic sets in, as everything around you seems to almost spin, getting dizzy. Nanami scowls at Satoru right back, jaw clenched, his hand in a fist on his briefcase. Higuruma comes quickly, putting a hand on Nanami’s shoulder.

“Nanami…” He cautions.

“It’s you.” Satoru growls, stepping up to him now. You panic further, chest heaving as you put a hand to it.

“It’s you.” Nanami growls right back.

You look between them in horror, the man you came to when Satoru was being his most cruel, and you ended things with him, and now the man who had been so cruel, you’d woke up in his arms. You had let him cum in you, fuck you begged him to, so quickly too, as if everything Nanami said about you was true. You read the hurt all over his face, and the fury on Satoru’s.

You mutter under your breath then…

“Shit.”

This was a long one, was it too long aha? Let me know your thoughts I always appreciate hearing them!

Taglist is too many apparently lol! I'll tag the rest in comments <3 @kalopsia-flaneur @bunheadusa @7thsthings @disilluzions  @antisocialinlw @Sukunassfinger @lelsforlino @heeknow @muvasuperior @prince-wyiilder @lavender-hvze @ssetsuka  @labelt-san  @sadmonke @philiatothephobia @ambiguouslady42 @stromynight @dreamygirli3 @jjknanamin @jazlenekasi @victoriaaaa00 @wuvnada @valleydoli @nanasukii28 @sw3etnena @dark-agate @tamaki-simp @yuuuumii @givluv2tyy

Until Next Time, Masochistic Readers

Part Twelve Here

[thorough-witness-enjoyer]

(Small, frivolous rant incoming, apologies)

One thing I wish the Destiny fandom did more of was dabble in the utter horror this universe holds, especially when it comes to portraying the vile atrocities committed by many of the cosmic level characters.

Destiny‘s T rating holds it back so much in my opinion (but it still manages to lay down excellent foundations for horror and more mature themes!!) and I really wish there was more fan works that explored the unimaginable tragedies that occur in lore!!

When you really dwell on the scale of many of the disasters that happen in lore, it really dawns on you just how sinister and monstrous many of the larger villains are. Antagonists like Eramis are much more grounded, certainly not saints though, but some of the antagonists we have encounter are truly odious in their behaviors, even if they are deluded into thinking what they are doing is correct (like the Osmium siblings ravaging whole star systems in pursuit of the sword).

For example, it’s no secret that I LOATHE the Witness like no other. This wicked entity has me fighting bile at the mere thought of it and I truly think the way it delivers cruelty with such a sense of compassion and righteousness to be the most stomach wrenching form of being baneful. I could not think of an entitlement more deplorable than the Witness‘ and it’s existence is a travesty that has caused irreparable harm that spans EONS.

Yet, in my experience, I never see much content that taps into the horrors experienced by those touched by the Witness and its pawns, such as the Noesis and humanity during the collapse. There are INCREDIBLE artistic and written works that tap into the psychological horrors of exos and the unethical hell Clovis was putting people through, but not as many on the more cosmic horrors from what I have seen!!

This may just be a me thing and the personal reasons why I want the Witness put under a hydraulic press speaking, but I often see plenty of depictions of the Witness being uncharacteristically soft and having deeper feelings towards its disciples, but works about its vengeful rage, simple mindedness, violation of the autonomy of others, and predatory grooming are quite barren.

I wish to see just how HEINOUS it is displayed in all its turpitude and how it leaves a festering rot on everything and everyone it touches. I love the Witness because it is so evil in it‘s actions and my heart SINGS any time I see people tap into the trauma it causes, especially for characters like Rhulk or Savathûn!!

There is so much room for exploring just how vast the Destiny universe is when you decenter perpetrators in stories and focus on the incomprehensible number of victims.

Destiny genuinely has a character running around with the title „The Final God of Pain“ haunting people and refusing to permanently die, but there is only so much a T rated game can do and I feel like Destiny enjoyers can go beyond what’s in game in such creative ways!! Just thinking of the fall of Torobatl has me going „Wow, I’m actually so sick to my stomach, I need to honor Caiatl and really capture the pain of such an event!“

The latest lore on the Qugu? My chest HURTS.

Some of the hive experimentations? The hive in general? Hell is not hot enough for what the Witness lead them into.

But you know what they say, be the change you want to see in the world! Create the content you want to enjoy and promote the content you do enjoy!! I wish to dabble into the darker areas of lore, and of course, promote Witness hatred any chance I get!! Hopefully I get more time to write about these things and really value the work the Destiny writers have put into portraying such strong feelings of loss time and time again!!

And also!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read The Garden‘s Witness by Titanmaster_117 !!! ESPECIALLY THE FIRST CHAPTER, I COULD RANT ABOUT THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF PROSE ALL DAY, IT GENUINELY MADE ME CRY!! PROMOTE THE CONTENT YOU ENJOY ALL DAY, EVERYDAY!!

But this is just something I’ve been thinking for some time now. This isn’t condemning anyone in the fandom or saying there is an issue, just a desire I would love to see (and hopefully fulfill if I ever get back into writing for Destiny!) If you guys have any recommendations for Destiny works that are horrific, focus on themes of loss and devastation, or hate on the Witness, feel free to mention them so other people can find them!!

Not enough Witness hate going around for my liking… this looks like a job for me.

[loganwritesprobably]

– Law with the 1° genre, prompt (l.) ✨

Law is a character I have a lot of fun writing, even though I've never actually seen him on screen (I think I've consumed the anime in the weirdest way possible). Just love him. I also love this trope

This ended up being kind of long

Find the prompt list here

Content/Warnings: Law/GN!Reader, fluff, one bed, suggestive, friends to lovers, getting together, first kiss, Law has a nightmare

You were a Heart Pirate, a friend to your Captain and all your crewmates. You loved sailing, and being a pirate, you loved the Polar Tang and having one of the healthiest crews on the sea. You also loved Captain Trafalgar Law. You didn't mean to end up in this position, and yet here you were, with a huge crush on the one guy who was totally off limits. Probably anyway, you hadn't exactly asked where he stood on the entire thing.

You hopped onto the dock of the island you'd arrived at, planning to spend a few days on land. You needed to stock up, and Law was on a mission for information. That meant staying away from the Polar Tang for a while. A couple of crew members remained inside the sub, and once everyone was out, sailed away to keep it out of few. It was late, and pitch black, which would hopefully mean nobody would suspect you were pirates.

Since it was late, everyone was headed to the two inns on the island, splitting between them to increase chances of finding the information that you wanted.

When you arrived at the inn with Law, Bepo, Shachi and Ikkaku, Law set about getting rooms for everyone. You stepped in beside him at the front desk, stood shoulder to shoulder, while Bepo, Shachi and Ikkaku stood behind you both, rubbing their eyes and yawning, their exhaustion clear.

Law took the three keys you'd been given, two rooms to be shared and one solo room.

"Bepo snores! He can go on his own." Shachi protested, taking one of the keys for himself.

"I do not! .. Do I?" Bepo asked, taking another key for himself.

"Sorry big guy.. I'll get in with you Shachi." Ikkaku said, leaning heavily against her friend and nearly knocking him over.

"Looks like I'm with you then, Cap." You said, and you certainly weren't unhappy with that arrangement.

Bepo found his room first, heading in and locking the door behind himself. Then Shachi and Ikkaku found theirs, and headed inside with softly mumbled 'goodnight's. You and Law were last, and he headed in first, making a beeline for the bathroom. You closed the door behind yourself and locked it, setting the room key on a side table.

You ventured deeper into the room, only for your heart to drop when you made a key discovery: there was only one bed. Bepo had taken the wrong key, and gotten one of the rooms with twin beds. At least the bed was a double, silver linings you guess.

Law shuffled out of the bathroom a few minutes later, wearing just sleep pants, and no shirt. He had been about to say something to you when he saw exactly what you had.

"Shit." He muttered, rubbing a hand over his face. There was no sofa in the room, and you'd not really brought anything with you to sleep on if you were going to sleep on the floor. The bed was, realistically, the only option.

"Yeah." You mumbled in agreement.

"Bepo falls right asleep too, we couldn't get him to swap if we tried." You could only nod. It was true. You'd considered that already.

"Guess we're sharing." You said, finally walking away from the bed to use the bathroom for yourself. Suddenly worried about your hygiene, you decided to take a quick shower, careful not to get your hair wet. You got out, brushed your teeth and dried off before changing into your sleep clothes. You couldn't put off the inevitable any longer though, so you stepped out of the bathroom to find Law just sitting on the bed, polishing his sword.

You put your clothes from the day into your bag, and went to sit on the other side of the bed to Law, assuming that was where you'd be sleeping. You untucked the duvet from beneath the mattress, fluffed the pillow, and silently lay down. Law set aside his sword, and did the same on his own side of the bed, still distinctly lacking a shirt. Fuck.

You lay facing the wall, away from Law, your heart beating rapidly. You didn't dare turn to see what he was doing himself, just closing your eyes. Thankfully, you were exhausted, and so you didn't lay awake and anxious for long.

-·–·-–-·–·-

When you woke the next morning, after some particularly tantalising dreams about the man sleeping beside you, you opened your eyes to discover the man in question was now facing you, and you were facing him. His lips were slightly parted, and he looked.. peaceful. You couldn't help admiring the sight, even if it felt wrong to watch him sleep. You'd thankfully not woken up cuddling, like some sort of cliche, so eventually you managed to convince yourself to get up and head to the bathroom.

You washed your face in cold water, calming yourself down after your dreams, and waking up beside the man who'd been in your fantasises in months. You took a few deep breaths before returning to the room feeling more steady than before, to find Law still asleep. Should you wake him? He looked so peaceful, and he was always so exhausted. You were sure everything would be fine, you'd wake him before noon, or if the crew came knocking.

Slowly, carefully, you collected a book from your bag and returned to the bed, not wanting to wake Law. You slipped beneath the sheets, and got comfortable, opening your book to where you'd left off last. You managed to read for an hour before Law began to grumble and shift. You looked at him for a moment, and when he didn't stop, you reached out to rest a hand on his arm, hoping to gently wake him.

That didn't work.

He shot up, eyes wide and breathing rapid. He struck out as if to hit you, but thankfully you were just slightly faster than him, having the advantage of having been awake for over an hour already. You gently moved his hand to rest in his lap, hesitating for a moment before you rested a hand on his back.

"Want me to take a walk and let you chill out here for a while?"

"No-" he rasped, hand reaching out again, but this time he gripped your wrist tightly, as if you'd disappear if he didn't hold on.

"Okay. I'll stay here Cap." You confirmed, but he didn't let you go. He couldn't. A few silent minutes passed where Law's breathing slowly evened out, and you patiently waited.

"We can talk about it, if you want." You offered, when he finally released you, treading carefully so you didn't unsettle him again.

"Not really." Law replied, rubbing his eyes to get the sleep from the corners. No wonder he was always so exhausted. You wanted to know what it was that'd upset him so much, but if he didn't want to tell you then you wouldn't press him.

Law got up out of bed and headed to the bathroom, cleaning up like you already had, and you took the chance to change into your day clothes so you were ready to go whenever Law wanted to set off.

He returned after a few minutes, looking more composed, but still exhausted. You wanted to help, to ease his discomfort and take away whatever was hurting him. That wasn't your place.

"I have nightmares too, sometimes." You said into the silence of the room, perched on the edge of the bed. Law paused his movements, surprised by your words, then continued digging through his bag for his stuff.

"About what I've lost, and everything I have now, and how easy it is to lose that too. Nobody is invincible." You continued, hoping it would at least help Law feel a little less alone.

"You dream about losing us?" He asked, looking toward the main door to the room rather than at you.

"Yeah, pretty regularly actually. You guys are my family, I don't know what I'd do without you." He nodded and slipped back into the bathroom to chance into his day clothes. He returned, only missing his hat, which you tossed to him for him to put on.

"Hey, you don't have to worry about losing us, you know. I won't let that happen to any of us." Law said, but his expression said everything.

"Then why do you worry about it?" You asked, and Law once again stopped stock still. You were going to give him a heart attack if you weren't careful.

There was a long pause then, longer than the others, and you watched Law open and close his mouth repeatedly, trying to find the words that he needed to defend himself, or at least something smart to say, but he kept coming up fruitless.

He walked over to sit beside you on the bed, licking his lips. His eyes remained focused on the ground as he hooked his ankle with your own, and then reached out and took your hand to lace your fingers together.

"It doesn't matter if I worry, I'm the Captain, it's my job. But I care if you worry, I don't want you losing sleep over us." He told you, voice impossibly soft, like you'd never heard it before.

"It's not your job. It's your job to trust us, and believe we can work together as a team to all stay safe. But the worry will never go away, we'll probably all always worry because of everything we've been through before we met." You replied, gently squeezing his hand. Your heart fluttered in your chest when he returned the gesture.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked suddenly, and a part of you was sure you were still dreaming. Surely he hadn't just asked that?

"What?" You asked dumbly, and Law laughed softly. He'd watched your pupils dilate, he knew you were interested, you were just stunned.

"I dreamt about you specifically. About losing you. Can I kiss you? I just.. want to be sure you're really there."

You had never been able to say no to your captain.

Requests are open! See below links for my other works, and how to leave requests. I write both canon/canon and canon/reader requests for your enjoyment

AO3 | Fanfic Masterlist | Request Rules | Fic Trades Guide | WIPs

Tags: @claryeverlarkf @uselessboots @cainnoable

[anantaru]

GENSHIN + YOU’RE MY SPECIAL FRIEND

— ꒰ including ꒱ — albedo, ayato, kazuha, scaramouche, heizou x fem! reader

— ꒰ warnings ꒱ — [ex]plicit, fem! reader, friends w benefits, secret relationship, mentions of 'good girl' in albedos part

— ꒰ ALBEDO ꒱

as someone as occupied in his own research as albedo regularly was, you on the other hand, his assistant, would bend all of your own needs and time in order to be available whenever he required your cooperation.

if you had not allowed yourself to fall victim to his natural charms, his bewitching eyes and way of speech, you'd surely detest an unprofessional relationship as the two of you were currently involved in between each other.

despite the judgment of your rational voice, you'd never ditch the chance to taste his tongue on your sizzling cunt whenever he urged you to lay down on his desk, aptly licking his hungry lips while you're opening your legs like a good, clever girl so he can suitably grind his mouth into your pussy.

"aah— albedo, wait!" you whine with a lilt of unlimited longing fizzling in your lower belly, "break time is almost over." your hand smoothed over his silky locks when he pulled his head up from in between your quivering thighs, casually sweeping your slick off his mouth with his sleeve.

"it is certainly lively outside." he's pointing out the loud chatters and noises from behind the door while leaving his eyes to skim through the empty room.

"but i do not hear any footsteps." he notes and no matter how often you'd spend time with your boss, who was also the guy who'd fuck you silly each night, you never got him figured out once.

you only nod in agreement and despite aiming at the obvious— it being the shortened time the both of you had left, albedo did not falter to lower his lips back on your puffy cunt, the rough tip of his tongue bordering precise strokes on your pussy, pulling at your folds.

"fuck—" you're arching your spine off the cold table, "right there!" and it made you feel barer, more open for him to have a better play on your weeping cunt, after all, for albedo your tasty slick felt like honey dropping down on his wet muscle, "faster!"

his face was solidly pressed in between your clamping thighs, you almost felt a bit silly by how riled up he had gotten you by now, how his mouth rolled up and down your naked core while wholly glazing his cheeks with your gooey slick.

albedo doesn't care, it's natural in his eyes. your liquids, he wanted to swallow it all.

the slight concern of time running out on you was erstwhile buried into the deepest corners of your brain, how could it not when he was that bloody good at this. and you love it, always do always will.

— ꒰ AYATO ꒱

there's not much to say when it comes to the quite, lets say, special— as well as riveting relationship that ayato and you were in.

he has devised your visits strategically and added them onto his active work life, it almost felt like he had someone else to formulate all your meetings together— since they had always been perfectly appended to each of your own doings.

ayato was readjusting his body on top of yours, determinedly delving your legs into your chest as he loomed over you with keen eyes.

"does it feel good when i do that?" you can feel his breath against your lips when he wiggled his hips a little deeper into your core, "or that?" fuck, you almost wanted to shove him into the mattress yourself and ride him mindless but you couldn't, not when he was that good at taking the lead.

"y— yes!" the sudden switch in his strokes drowned the words in your throat, and though his ruts weren't fast, they were all the more deeper and precise, battering each and every drumming blotch in your warm tingling insides.

"what a shame that i can only meet you like this."

his sentence was sudden— and a bit cheesy, you weren't sure if you had imagined it in the heat of the moment. "wha— what?"

your fingers slowly ran up from his shoulders to his sharp jawline when you cradled his left cheek to make him look at you, but ayato didn't speak nor elaborate on his words, even when you asked him once more.

rather did he now indulge in your soft hand on his face, your touch seemed so loving and felt so warm, a weak whine spilling like a subdued chime into your ears. He placed his lips on top of yours and soothed your trembling thighs with slow, benign circles.

every raw drag of his imposing girth had your hole insatiably clench down on him, you could feel your core jammed of his cock, crying out his name which would always fill him with great pride.

it was all the way exhilarating when he began to control your body, bit by bit, when his cock fiercely rubbed all the squealing words out of your straining throat.

his thrusts are calculated, relentless in their sweet ministrations. He eyed the white liquid around his girth when he pulled his cock out— but leaving his tip in, observing how you stammered after each beg, pouted your lips so he'd fill you up again.

— ꒰ KAZUHA ꒱

kazuha was an independent human being who had always dreamed of traveling all across the various nations of teyvat and taking in its beauty.

there was so much to admire about him, really.

however, it wasn't as if he didn't ever think about entering a serious relationship with someone, the thought clearly didn't put him off or anything because if he ever so desired it, it'd be with no other than you.

yet right now, the little thing you both had going on was more than enough in his eyes.

"ah—" he's awkwardly clearing his throat when he noticed your lips tightly seal around his flushed tip, "you're quite impatient tonight." he notes, after all you had him breathless under you, words failing to be spoken out by him when he greeted you with a gentle smile instead.

you're confidently latching onto his cock and turning his body to nothing but jelly while you're gingerly suckling into the sensitive skin.

your fingers travelled from his stiff length to his balls, holding them in your palm. You're toying with kazuha, tracing little heart shapes over his skin when you retorted back in abruptly sliding him down your warm mouth, impatiently gushing around his girth.

kazuha feels your tongue again and his mind rewires, he was squirming and gripping the damp sheets under him, watching you hide his cock in your mouth, over and over, your dainty hand carefully pummeling his balls to add to the coil forming in his belly.

"mhh—" you're humming while looking nothing but innocent, curling your tongue around the rough edges of his cock. You can feel him poke into your throat and how the corners of your lips shimmered with his arousal.

that combining curl, of your corked, pretty lips sloppily guzzling his pre while you're hollowing your cheeks to have it your way, to have his mind corrupted and mind wrapped around the tip of your finger.

kazuha was a thimbleful away to his striking release and he didn't wanted to waste it, not tonight when you've been so good to him, instead he longed to cum all over your burning throat and cover your flesh with a treacly, milky white.

— ꒰ SCARAMOUCHE ꒱

that little gasp you always let out whenever scaramouche first jostled his erect cock past your entrance, one inch— and another, while his middle finger meticulously outlined the contours of your smoldering clit.

could it be due to the fact that you barely saw him as it was? maybe that‘s what made the alluring mischiefs between you both all the more exciting to begin with.

scaramouche only ever decided to come over at your place whenever he had gotten a bit too frustrated over the weeks, maybe angry, as well as bored or (which mostly was the case) all three of those combined into one big flock of rustling emotions.

"what’s wrong?" he’s phony to you, he likes how you roll your eyes whenever he’s a brat to you on purpose.

his spoken words too, had a hidden meaning behind them, but it didn‘t feel bad, the passion was there and so was the rest of the affection— a fervor he had been put out on sight for you.

"m— more please." the shadow of his eyes made you shudder, his looks alone had you in a chokehold— in a daze of refined elation.

those two words you had spelled out, but the way you said it, lewd and between vicious cries, it had scaramouche heavily burn into his own pride, because he needed that confirmation from you.

"oh, really now?" he clicks his tongue, "but of course, anything you want."

his arms hug around your head when he continued to pistole his length into you, turn the swollen, thick tip of his cock further into your hole and send it pummeling through your mushy skin.

you were comfortable under him and pressed your face into his shoulder, your mouth slacked and your throat clamped together. If you did try to sob or squeal at him now, it‘ll sting, so so much you just wanted to tell him how great he fucked you right now and how you deserved to cum already.

at another harsh blow of his hips, the noises of your little pussy grew mushy and wet— the whole thing was disgustingly ravenous and you felt it all, each rill and curve of his cock, thighs clamping down on either side of him when he growled out at the heavy tightness.

how dare you feel so fucking good and how dare your walls clung on his girth him like that? as if you're actually made for him and only him.

"fuck— fuck." his body reacted on its own and he growls at your constricting hole, shoving his face into your neck to hide his— in his words, embarrassing expression, "you better stop doing that!"

— ꒰ HEIZOU ꒱

shikanoin heizou to you, was like a chocolate bar in the fridge, you can take it out whenever you wanted and put it right back where it belonged the second you had satisfied your cravings.

he's nothing but a convenience, something you never quite believed was for you to find him more than just alluring, he was a menace and almost instantly, when his rough hands polish over your skin, your back arches into his sweltering touch.

everything simply felt like it was way too much, you were barely able to seethe of the heftiness on heizou's cock in you.

you hiccup in midst your own wordings, more when he suddenly began to pinch your little clit in step with his thrusts, again and again— you feel hot and throbbing, it stung when he lightly twirled the flesh in between his finger tips.

"heizou— heizou!" the force of his hammering into you had you clamp your hands against his back, your nails scratching alongside the outlines of his burning muscles.

you thought you were certainly going to end up mindless by the realization of his skin meeting your own way faster— better and all the more precise.

"i can't hear you." he coos, noticing how you're clenching down, muscles tensing and then letting go, again, your puffy clit shimmering with your own arousal. "you're doing too— too much."

heizou gave your clit a couple thumps with his hand, smacking the smoldering flesh, not too hard, he actually just wanted to see how you'd react.

now after his words, his intrusion into you had been lowered, slow, painfully slow but wasn't that what you wanted? even if you were to say to him to pick up the pace again, he wouldn't do it, because you lost your privileges to order him around.

because you see, heizou was letting you feel everything now— he's leaving his cock inside, listening to your strangled moans of his name when you sobbed at every vein, jump of his curves and scream when he almost bottomed out again.

"what's the matter? i'm doing what you say." he purrs and muffles himself into your neck to have his lips on the same height as your ear.

"but you can always beg me to go faster, maybe i'll listen."

©2023 anantaru do not repost, copy, translate, modify

[l00rem]

Hz ep65 rambles

This is going to be a long post because as expected I am just so incredibly normal about this episode. As someone who has wanted a deeper look into liko and amethio’s dynamic since forever i’ve been fed well. When it was clear Amethio wouldn’t be in this arc much I hoped we could at least get an episode with him and liko somehow but i gave up on the possibility, only for the title of 65 to get leaked which made me unable to sleep that day lmao

I know a lot of people are annoyed it’s taken the series so long for them to have a meaningful interaction but tbh i don’t really mind. The pokemon anime seasons last around 150 eps, and with gen 10 looking further away than most next generations hz might be lasting closer to the dp animes length, which makes sense considering it feels more like a one-shot series that won’t carry over into the next gen. It also just makes sense to me that they haven’t had a chat like this until now because why would they? as amethio says, liko was just the girl with the terapagos to him, there was no reason for him to go out of this way to chat with her and she was running from him because he’s the enemy. This episodes made it clear that their dynamic matters with it being the title, so i’m sure they’ll get a lot more moments from here on out.

Anyway, I absolutely adored amethio’s characterisation in this episode. Going into it i’d hoped we’d get to see his softer side and did the writers deliver on that! I love how it’s amethio who makes the initiative easier to talk with liko, there’s no reason for him to do this and what he said only motivates her (his enemy!!) and yet he most likely sees himself in her and so wants to comfort her as there was never anyone there for him… what he said really reminded me of friede’s words at the end of ep45 as well. I wonder if he could potentially become more of a mentor figure to her later on now that he’s been fired, as friede and roy have always felt closer to me in terms of mentor-student bond so it would be nice if liko got that with someone too.

he’s also the one to reach out his hand, which btw is the first time he’s made any physical contact with someone which wasn’t him flying on corviknight. Of course his hands were gloved, i wonder if he’ll take them off at some point? something something gloved symbolic for vulnerability, taking them off shows his trust and comfort…

The timing of putting Amethio next to Grusha also feels very intentional. They’re both cold on the surface but have better intentions deep down. I wonder if the whole Grusha being happier when he was younger will be true for Ame as well?? I can’t help but think about that Charcadet back from ep57 , which seemed so happy and friendly… He even made sort of a smile in this ep?? I don’t think i counts as a proper one, but his eyes are filled with so much love and warmth that it certainly gives the illusion of one. So, of course, order had to be restored by immediately making amethio suffer right after he finally displays some level of happiness

I find it really interesting how Gibeon seems to be bringing up Amethio’s dad in repose to Amethio showing comradeship with the enemy.

I know a lot of people think Amethio was born into explorers, but my personal interpretation is that ame’s dad left after meeting ame’s mom and decided there was more to life then chasing his dad’s wishes. Perhaps she was also a target for one of his missions but he ended up falling in love with her … (i don’t ship ameliko btw, i think the parallel is more love in general than specifically romance). I also don’t think amethio’s dad is alive, amethio seems to cling to gibeon for some reason so my theory has always been that gibeon killed ame’s dad (perhaps he tried to take gibeon down, now we’ve seen what the eternal blessing can do he wouldn’t stand a chance) and then manipulated amethio under the illusion that he’d been abandoned. And now he’s been abandoned again… Gibeon clearly doesn’t give a shit about him, in ep54 he goes all ‘how long has it been since we met like this?’ which sounds warm, like seeing your grandparent in person after so long… but then you realise that gibeon is literally just a long ass corridor away and could call amethio at any time. he chooses not to because he doesn’t care. ‘special regard’ my ass, it’s all manipulation to isolate amethio into thinking he could only belong to explorers. This also makes me wonder if gibeon didn’t actually fall for spinel’s plot as much as he seemed to, maybe he just knows amethio will get desperate in banishment and will try even harder to reclaim his honour (fucking pokezuko lmao) it’s a very evil scheme in that case, gibeon has been shown to hold a lot of intelligence so i hope it does turn out to be the case or else he looks kinda stupid imo

Another detail I loved in this scene was the others reactions, particularly Sango.

She looks genuinely shocked, I think from her pov amethio has always been this pampered prince whose been given everything on a silver platter, she didn’t realise how fragile his place in explorers actually was. I expected this from Onyx, but it shows a lot of nuance for Sango to feel this way too. Also, I’m a Hamber hater so i’m always gonna perceive his actions in a bad light- i don’t think he was showing genuine concern for amethio, it’s more that he knows amethio’s character better than gibeon and so would know that amethio would never betray gibeon. he saw the torture amethio put himself through in training, and said himself he was impressed by his resolve. Hamber’s concern comes from loosing a valuable asset to his master, not because he genuinely cares imo.

This does make me wonder how Ame and Liko will interact from here on out. I think he’ll blame Spinel mostly, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s colder to her next time to make a point to himself that he’s not soft on the enemy. But I hope Liko will notice this, perhaps realise he’s been banished and use this as an opportunity to get to understand him better. She showed him vulnerability this ep, so i hope the tables will turn next time.

I really liked this line too, especially considering liko is a character so centred around empathy. Allow me to speak in my girl who only thinks about umineko voice for a second, but it really reminded me of the core theme ‘without love it can’t be seen’. Liko’s learning that if she doesn’t try to see the perspective of even people who seem to have ill intent, she’ll never understand them. A good lesson for a girl who wants to understand the hearts of others!

Now, as for amethio’s future… Considering his own advice to liko he’s definitely not going to give up like that. He’ll probably continue to train so he can seize terapagos, but in the process will potentially get closer and closer with liko and the rvt. This depends a lot on his situation now he’s been fired- like will he have money? will zir and conia follow him? i get the sense that the writers want to isolate him from them to make it easier to focus on his development (as much as i miss them as a trio) it’d be interesting if they got given to spinel temporality but i’d fear for their safety…

It seems that he’ll be important next arc, i hope now that he’s not in explorers it’ll be much easier to make him show up in a casual setting. I’ve always hoped he’d be relevant in getting Kleavor, mainly bc both Kleavor and Cerueldge have weapon hands so a battle between the two would be cool, especially if he teams up with liko!

Perhaps this is a reach but i’ve been humouring the idea that he might actually form a bond with Carmine.

He is next to her on the poster, which might not actually mean anything… but amethio’s always given me Keiran vibes, i’d love it if she saw keiran in him (especially if he’s going through his emo era) and so wanted to reach out to him as perhaps a way to work out how to approach her brother. It would be really sweet for amethio to get a familial figure who genuinely cares about him, now that he’s in his homeless arc maybe she could take him in for this arc like the sad sopping wet kitten whose been left in a card box in the rain that he is.

So yeah, those are most of my intelligible thoughts that aren’t just me screaming and jumping on the spot. Inevitably this is already my favourite hz episode we’ve gotten so far, and i’m so excited to see where amethio goes from here on out! Please, just let him smile and be happy, he’s suffered enough :,)

[darthgloris]

hello to my beautiful mutual! first of all, congratulations on your milestone, you deserve it! your writing is literally everything to me.

i’m more than happy to participate in your event, so i was thinking the letter “k” (nsfw alphabet) for the arranged marriage au would be so fun.

- max :)

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) - suitless!Vader, arranged marriage AU

A/N: hi @antxlss :DDD tysm for participating, I love the arranged marriage trope!!! I'm gonna presume u mean suitless!Vader, otherwise send me another ask and I'll write that for u too 🥰 btw I accidentally wrote a little about the letter I (= intimacy) of NFSW alphabet so I hope that's okay :)

When the Emperor told him he'd be marrying a woman he barely knew, Vader was certainly hesitant: the memory of his deceased wife Padmè, however remote, still lived in the back of his mind, and the grief that had grown to hatred was gradually taking over his heart, making his ability to love scarce.

He didn't know how to go about in this relationship, the patented blend of touch starvation and lack of experience with romantic intimacy had affected his attitude in the past decade. He refused to berate or beat the woman, no, that is beneath him, but he couldn't force himself to fall for her, and he didn't want to: as proven by his previous relationships, it was going to end at one point, and he'd once again find himself abandoned by the very person he loved.

He was, however, well aware that the purpose of the marriage was to give the Emperor an heir to fulfill the Rule of Two, and the thought of a woman giving him a child was somewhat enticing to him, but without intimacy, it seemed pointless to him. A simple way to describe it would be that he was expecting for things to be awkward.

After the two of you get married, they are, in fact, awkward.

You don't know exactly what to say to each other, every form of affection feels forced, the meetings with the Emperor were draining. But slowly, little by little, you start to see him for who he really is. He's no Sith, no stoic and unfeeling man: he's affectionate and loving and would very well die for those he loves. So when one day you choose to call him "Anakin" instead of "Vader", his vulnerable side peeks through for the first time in your relationship.

Over time, you begin to grow comfortable with each other, and whenever you have sex, he'd get more and more passionate every time. He'd usually focus almost only on your pleasure, eating you out until you cry, fingering just the right spot to make you scream, holding your hand while he fucked you, peppering your face with kisses when you were both done, then pulling out of you and cleaning you up. 'The treatment angels should get', he says. But when the baby fever comes, any trace of rational thought was out the window. Of course, the thought of filling you with his children makes the blood rush to his cock in an instant.

He can't wait to stuff you full of his cum and wake up next to you every morning and seeing your belly swelling and growing within the next nine months. He loves it when you ride him, he wants to be buried into you as deep as he can to increase the chance of conception. The mere idea of your round, swollen stomach and breasts heavy from maternal milk makes him grip your hips and fuck his cock deeper into you, slamming his hips up into your loose, begging hole. He swears he could cum from hearing your screams and sobs of pleasure alone.

"That's my girl, good momma."

"You handled those kids so well, maybe I should try and fuck one into you."

"There you go, angel, there you go. Full of my cock, full of my cum... can't wait till you're full of my babies."

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

Could you do a yandere Idia, Malleus, and Floyd with a darling who acts like Jane Doe from ride the cyclone? (If you can’t do this I understand!)

I liked the play

and I love her ballad

🖤🖤🖤🖤

Jane Doe Reader | Yandere Twisted Wonderland

(Y/n) (L/n) is known best for your stiff motions and disconcerting observations. Usually met with fear, impervious to insults you don’t understand, and often forgetting your name you certainly become a person of interest to many. And the many that get to know you realize you’re not nearly as frightening as they perceived nor do you mean to be creepy just confused. Unfortunately for them the more people who begin to realize this about you tend to get closer to you. Not on their watch:

Idia Shroud

“You know what I think is scary? That a bear who happened upon some cocaine started eating and became addicted. What stopped the bear was not his desire to use the energy he got from this new prey but because he died. It disturbs me how far addiction can disguise the hand of death.”

“If this is some round-about way to tell me to stop gaming then I don’t buy it.”

He’s not as off-put when he realizes you don’t fit into that ‘normie’ category

Nor do you fit in his slot as an ultimate gamer

Well he can fix that really fast

It starts with putting a controller in your hand

And he slowly finds he doesn’t get nervous around you…for awhile

He still finds his hair alighting in pink flames when your cheeks touch as he governs you over your shoulder

Or how he overheats at your willingness to follow his menial acts for your friendship affection

“Y-yeah n-normal friends sit very close no matter the setting!”

“Like this?”

“Y-yeah!”

“And I should wrap my arms around your waist like this?”

“Y-yup!”

And you are none the wiser when you’re practicing all his lessons with others that he’s watching with absolute rage

So like the game master, he is he keeps his eyes on the field having cameras anywhere and everywhere watching your every awkward movement

Fanboying when he gets the perfect angle of you curiously tilting your head

And for the trash NPCs that bother you him+ he’s using his technical prowess to put them six feet under

“Ha, stupid NPC they really thought I’d let that slide?! Fat chance.”

Malleus Draconia

“Would you like to brush my doll’s hair?”

“I would like to but it seems her head is missing.”

“Hmmm, that reminds me of something.”

“Oh? How so?”

“I’m sure I can–” 

*Detaches head from body Frankenstein style*

“Oh yes I still can.”

“Oh my–”

Not only do you have no fear of him but you are the most interesting character he has the pleasure of meeting

You're so unorthodox he’s never bored

Not that he ever would be

He truly falls when your blunt affection for him as friend lover+ stirs something deeper in him

He can’t begin to imagine life without you being beside

Him learning from him and freely sharing your observations

And despite many others cringing at your creepy statements

He delights in them

“It truly is horrific how easily guinea pigs decide to cannibalize their young.”

“Haha! Yes, that is true. If you were in their place would you do the same? I ask because I can relate to the jealousy of the male. I would rather keep you to myself for all eternity.”

He doesn’t hide his affections and immediately dives into courting you 

And you don’t have the knowledge to turn him away though

But should any unfortunate interloper put it lightly on your radar that you don’t have to accept

He’s smiting them then and there

“See. (Y/n)? He says such negative things and the lightning struck him immediately after. It is only the balance of cause and effect.”

Floyd Leech

“(Y/nnnn)!”

“....”

“(YYYYY/nnnnn)!”

“....”

“(YYYYY/NNNN)!!!!

“Ah, that is what I’m called…right?”

“Hmmmm nope, your name is Shrimpy!”

He’s had the most fun with you in a long time

Anything with you around is fun

Whether its because everyone’s reactions are fun when you talk 

Or how you make people run perfect for an ambush

To say he gets angry at your occupied attention is an understatement

It's more than joy 

its you 

your his, his territory, his name-forgetting shrimpy that belongs to him

“Your eyes are nice.”

“Ahah that’s cute Shrimpy! I share them with Jade!” 

“They’re wild…like that of a carnivorous predator. The kind that gut their prey while still alive.”

“Awww Shrimpy! Marry me.”

If it isn’t a given that he squeezes anyone who diverts your attention

But he can’t help but decide you don’t need to move at all from his reach

[chiaraswritings]

No Going Back

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel or their settings. This is certainly not canon.

Warnings & Topics: Slight angst, fluff, cursing, unhappy relationship, bride leaving wedding, fem x fem relationship. 18+.

Word Count: 2K words

Summary: (fem!Reader x Natasha Romanoff) fem!Reader is about to be married to a man she doesn't love, but her crush and best friend, Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow), rescues her just in time.

Author's Note: Okay, let's maybe not run away from our weddings in real life, that's pretty traumatic to the person waiting at the altar. Still, it's romantic to fantasize about, especially when it's the confident Black Widow whisking you away. Thank you for all your support. I hope you enjoy.

What do you do when the moment you've thought about your entire life happens? How do you manage it? How do you stay calm? What if it's something you don't even want?

My mind was racing, my hands were shaking. I accidentally smeared my lip stain and nearly dropped the open tube on the white dress. The itchy heirloom dress that I didn't want to wear. It was my mother's, grandmother's, aunt's, cousin's. It was stiff, the sleeves puffed out, and pearls had been beaded across most of the seams. The poor dress had been tweaked and pinned and let out many times and looked seconds away from falling into pieces on the floor. And yet there I was, sitting in front of the church's vanity with the chipped paint, getting ready to marry the perfect man.

The perfect man. To be fair, he was perfect. His eyes were kind and his hands were gentle. I'd never heard him utter a sharp word. He was the kind of man that made women melt in the street. The kind of man my mother would practically force upon me.

I thought of all the people in my life I'd ever loved, my mind reviewing them like flipping through a catalog. Men with shiny smiles and sweet words, it was nothing new. And yet, there was someone that stood out. Someone who was drastically different from the others.

My mind settled on her. The person who knew my deepest, darkest secrets and my most painful scars. We'd met when she started coming to the café I used to work at a few years ago, collecting data on a barista there, yes, but after the case was closed she kept coming back, asking me to make me my own favorite drink every time. She hated the drink, I could tell, because she never finished it. She would linger at the counter for a few minutes, and if there wasn't a line I'd chat with her. Then she'd leave in a rush, "forgetting" the drink she had ordered.

Now, we were closer than "beers in a six pack", as she would say. She knew my favorite ways to be touched, that spot on my neck that made me tremble when she "accidentally" brushed her fingers against it. I didn't remember when I fell in love with her, or when the flirty remarks or brushes of hands against thighs began. All I remembered is how I wished it was her I was walking down the aisle to.

I let my imagination float away, I didn't notice my hands stopped shaking. I closed my eyes and imagined I was marrying Natasha in a few minutes instead of the man my mother introduced me to. I envisioned myself in a dress that I picked out myself, made of lace and tulle, floating down the aisle to her, taking her hands in mine and telling her how much I wanted to love her for the rest of my life. I wanted to tell her that from the first time I saw her, I knew that she was the person I'd fall in love with deeper than the universe's depths. Maybe in ten years we'd curl up together and thumb through a dusty album full of our wedding pictures, and read our vows to each other again in gentle whispers in between kisses.

And yet, there was barely any chance of that happening. We had never admitted any kinds of feelings to each other, though our body language displayed romantic tension to anyone who looked hard enough. To everyone who wasn't looking, she was my best friend who I spent more time with than anyone. To me, she was so much more than that. But then a man came into my life. A whirlwind romance later, he had popped the question in front of both our families. And now Nat was my maid of honor instead of my bride. Or was. She had called me last night, telling me she'd been called in for an attack in Manhattan. That she couldn't come. Maybe it was for the best, it was so painful seeing her now. Her beautiful face, her glowing hair, that smirk that made my stomach flutter.

Suddenly, all my thoughts were snapped away from me. I turned my head as the door slowly opened. It was my groom. I looked up, my eyes still hazy from daydreams and realities. "You're not supposed to see me, it's bad luck."

"I'll see you in a minute anyways," he answered, fully stepping into the church's bridal room, his black suit looking out of place among the pink and white surrounding us.

I tried to give him the best smile I could. I had only finished applying lip stain to my top lip, making my grimace look slightly disturbing. Quickly, I turned back to the mirror to finish. "I suppose so."

His hands ran up my back from behind me. The unwelcome touch made my back straighten. He stroked my shoulders before extending his hand to grasp mine, which I hesitantly accepted. "I'm so excited to marry you."

"Mhmm, I'm… I'm sure."

He didn't seem to catch onto the strain in my tone, but instead pressed a kiss to my forehead. "I'd better go before one of our mothers catches me in here."

"Yeah, you'd better." Watching him exit, I rubbed at the spot he had kissed me, trying to brush away the feeling.

As wonderful of a man he was, his touch made my stomach coil. I felt... dirty after his displays of affection. Every time I had tried to tell my mother, or my friends, or anyone else, I got the exact same response. "He's perfect for you, what are you talking about? I'm so jealous of you, you're so lucky!"

"Then why don't you marry him," I'd mutter under my breath whenever I heard the comment. Yes, he was perfect. Just… perfect for someone who loved him. He deserved someone who loved him. That person wasn't me. I wished I could tell him.

But still, here I was, under my family's watchful eye, about to swear away my life to him in a single day. How is that possible? How is someone able to pledge themself to someone they don't even love in a matter of minutes? Just because everyone else likes the way they look together?

Someone else knocked, scaring away tears that threatened to spill over my mascara-lined eyes. It was probably my new maid of honor, bringing me my bouquet of lilies. "Come in, I'm… I'm almost ready."

But it wasn't the bridesmaid I had expected. It was Nat, the woman I wished I had gotten the opportunity to love, just for a little while. She didn't have flowers, and she didn't look happy. She was wearing the Black Widow suit, and I could see the dark circles under her eyes clearly.

"(Y/N), why are you doing this? You can't be serious." Long strides brought her to my side in a matter of moments.

"Why wouldn't I be doing this? I'm getting married to a great guy, it's not rocket science." I turned back to the mirror to keep the lump in my throat from rising.

"You're right, it's not rocket science. It's deeper than that." She grabbed my arm and I looked up at her. Her eyes shot right into mine like piercing bullets. "You're marrying someone you don't even love and you know it."

"What makes you an expert on who I love?" I didn't mean to snap, but my voice was cross. "You're not even supposed to be here, what happened to Manhattan?"

"I didn't go, okay?!" Her voice rose, and she hadn't stopped looking into my eyes in that violent way. "I had to come here and tell you what a mistake you're making! I was praying for months that you were going to call me one day and say 'just kidding, it was a prank', but you never did. And now I have to see you marry that… that… that!"

"That is going to be my husband, and I don't see why you hate him so much all of a sudden! I thought you supported my decisions."

"I do… when it's not a stupid decision."

I rolled my eyes at her. "So what the hell makes this a stupid decision? You're not a love expert, so stay out of it. You're ruining my wedding day."

"It was ruined from the start. You shouldn't be marrying someone you don't love."

Returning the statement with a glare, I rose to my feet. "And who do I love, Natasha?"

Before I could process what was happening, she suddenly pulled me closer, her lips crashing against mine in the most passionate kiss I'd ever felt in my life. Her hands grabbed my hips to pull my body to hers as I returned the kiss. It wasn't lustful, it wasn't sexual, it just said everything her words couldn't. When she pulled away from me and looked into my eyes again, I could see… relief. Gone were the angry arrows aiming at me.

She reached up to stroke my neck, her thumb running against that one spot. "Get out of that fucking hideous dress and meet me in the car outside. Let me… just let me give you what you deserve."

Natasha disappeared out of the bridal room before I could even register what she had said or done. The colors of the walls and dresses surrounding me melted into a pool of watery color as I pressed my fingertips to my lips. My heart was in my throat, my stomach was in a knot… but… I liked it. I didn't want this feeling to end.

"(Y/N)? Here are your flowers, it's time." A bridesmaid, one of my mother's friends, poked her head into the room and set my bouquet on the vanity in front of me. "Aren't you excited?"

"Oh… yeah… excited." I picked up the flowers cautiously, as if they were a snake about to lash out.

"Gosh, you look like you're about to bawl. I know you're happy but don't ruin your makeup, you have to look fresh for your husband. No going back now!" She too disappeared out of the room before returning with a funny look on her face. "I think I just saw an Avenger in the hall, maybe I had too much punch."

"You probably did have too much punch." I pressed my fingers to my lips again as the bridesmaid bustled out of the room. I could hear the organ music begin to play, I knew the wedding ceremony was about to begin. And I knew what I had to do, for everyone's sake.

…

Sunlight kissed my shoulders and nose as I slipped out the church kitchen's back door. I was wearing the same jeans and shirt I had shown up in. My hair was down, flowing, free of the pins and pearly headpiece that had been twisted into it earlier. I carried two things, the bouquet of lilies tucked under my arm, and in my hands, a large box that contained a lemon-vanilla bean cake that had been meant for the reception. They were mine, I paid for them, and now I was going to share them with someone I actually cared about.

I didn't hesitate to slide into the passenger seat of the black Corvette, next to my new adventure in life. I placed the box next to my feet before turning to her, unable to keep the smile off my face. "Sorry about that, I couldn't unbutton the last buttons."

"I should've stuck around to help you, but I didn't really want anyone to see me." Nat started the car before turning her head and leaning in for a kiss as deep and meaningful as the one we had shared inside. She pulled away, but only just, our noses brushing against each other and our lips inches apart. I opened my eyes to stare into hers before she spoke again. "You really should marry someone you love, (Y/N)."

"Did you just propose to me or…?" The smile I couldn't hide grew when she laughed and put the car into reverse. As we drove out of the parking lot, I lifted the bouquet to my nose and nuzzled one of the roses. No going back.

[b4b3tte]

hi!! i Found out you have an accent like me!! So Ryan!ken x fem!reader who has an accent?! Can be any thx stink ‼️

꒰ ⊹ ˚ Summary — Ken with female reader that has a French accent <3

Pairing — Gosling!Ken X Fem!Reader

Contains of — Just you guys bonding and a kiss at the end

Note — I loved writing this and I hope you enjoyed it!! Thanks for reading <33

In the vibrant world of Barbie, Ken found himself captivated by the allure of a fascinating young woman named Y/n. She was a type of beauty you rarely found. with sparkling eyes and a charming French accent that enchanted everyone she met. Ken, always open to new experiences, couldn't resist the chance to get to know her better .

One sunny afternoon, Ken mustered up the courage to ask You on a date. He planned a romantic outing at a quaint French café nestled on a cobblestoned street in Your town. As they sat at a cozy table, a gentle breeze carrying the scent of freshly baked croissants, Ken couldn't help but admire your graceful demeanor and the way your accent added an extra layer of charm to your guys conversation.

"you know y/n your accent is very cool, I really haven’t heard anything like it before " Ken remarked, a genuine smile playing on his lips.

You blush at the comment not sure if it was showing but you certainly felt a rise of heat going through your face" thank you Ken, your very sweet "

As you guys enjoyed the café au lait and shared a plate of delicate macarons, You and Ken delved into y’all’s passions and dreams. You spoke passionately about your love for (your passion), while Ken shared his adoration for the beach obviously. your guys shared interests sparked a deeper connection between you two, transcending language barriers.

Days turned into weeks, and your love blossomed like the vibrant gardens of Versailles. Ken found himself falling more and more in love with you and your French accent, which had become an integral part of your identity. He adored the way your words danced with elegance and painted pictures in his mind.

Sometimes he struggled to understand what words you were saying but matter of fact he enjoyed it, he loved hearing you repeat words over and over again that just meant he got to enjoy your beautiful accent, it was something he can listen to all day

One evening, as you guys wandered through a moonlit park, you looked up at Ken with a certain look in your eyes ( YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING 😏) . "Ken I’ve been thinking a lot…about us and you’ve made me really happy the past months and I would like for us to be something more..like boyfriend and gir- “

Ken smiled and he absolutely knew what you were gonna say, and he wasn’t gonna waste this moment of kissing you, he adores hearing you speak with such elegance but he had to kiss you before anything, after so long of looking and feeling the desire to kiss those lips he finally did it

In that tender moment, Ken took your hand and leaned in for a kiss. Your guys lips met, and for a brief second, time stood still. Kens love, entwined with the beauty of your accent, created a symphony of emotions that filled their hearts with joy.

As your guys relationship continued to flourish, You and ken embraced the richness of your guys cultural background, one plastic and one French

as you two explored the art galleries of Paris, picnicked by the Seine, and even attempted to cook traditional French cuisine together, with your accent guiding him through the recipes, it just created a more deeper and gorgeous bond

Your love story, woven with the threads of a French accent, became a testament to the beauty of diversity and the power of connection. you and ken reveled in y’all’s shared adventures, ken voice blending harmoniously with yours, as you and ken embraced each day with love, laughter, and the magic of your unique bond.

THANKS FOR READING!!!! I hoped you liked it, it is 3:52 am and I’m really tired I’m sorry if the grammar is wrong and If this is shitty, deeply sorry hopefully this was good quality!! And give me more requests!! Don’t be shy to ask

[artficlly]

me & the devil (one-shot)

Wild West Marvel AU

outlaw!bucky x saloon girl!reader

The Diamondback Saloon and Hotel has always attracted bad men, and Bucky Barnes happens to be one of them.

Warnings: violence, death, wound descriptions, lots of blood and gore, mention of guns, swearing, sex worker reader, lots of talk of sex work, vague mentions of past non-con and abuse, lots of angst, sexual tension, breaking law, bank robbery, lmk if anything needs to be added.

Word Count: 11.2k (whoops)

A/N: hi! this is a pretty angsty/gorey fic I've been working on. i started this a month back while watching west world. i love westerns, rdr and all thinsg cowboy so this was so fun to write. i was thinking of maybe a part two just due to how long this got lol. sorry for any typos - not proof read.

main masterlist

It was still morning when trouble walked in. In the two months you had been working at The Diamondback Saloon and Hotel, it had taken you only days to figure out who was trouble and who wasn’t. There was an energy to them, something more clinging to their bodies than the grime and grit of the wilds. The saloon would fall into a hush, an unspoken knowing between all within. It wasn't just the guns on their person, but the way they held themselves. A swagger and a smirk, bruises on their knuckles, a twisted nose from a fight long forgotten An essence of something deeper, a whisper that hissed in warning. 

That intensity screamed danger, and all those inside knew to obey it or face its wrath. 

“Them boys look like trouble.” Charlotte hummed, echoing your thoughts entirely. The two of you stood leaning back against the bar, examining your new patrons. There were three of them, young and deadly. They had that energy and that intensity. With just a flick of your eyes, you could read it – fatality written into the dirt under their nails to the subtle splatter of blood along the cuff of a shirt. 

“Maybe that’s reason to steer clear for once.” You muttered back to the woman, your fan fluttering as you eyed her with a frown. “The last lot didn’t even pay you.”

Danger didn’t often walk into Silverton, but when it did, it always stopped by The Diamondback for one final drink and fuck before facing the open wilds. Danger had different faces; some returned, some didn’t. The three men who now took up a table in the back were certainly new to you. 

“The ride was payment enough.” Charlotte giggled as she batted her lashes. “Them boys always have a lot packing.”

You rolled your eyes with a huff. "Yeah, and half of em’ don’t even know how to use it.” 

“I’ll take my chances.” Charlotte announced with one of her coy smiles you had grown to know so well. She strutted off in the direction of the group of men, hand dragging across shoulders and cleavage pronounced in her posture. The men looked at her up and down like a meal – predators and prey. You often couldn’t tell the difference between the two – who was prey and who was predator. Considering how much coin Charlotte would often fish from her corset after a day’s work, maybe she was the predator. You had learned a lot from her in your short time at The Diamondback. 

After a moment of consideration, you turned to face the bar. The barkeep, Crowley, had his eyes fixed on the trio. With a tut, he returned to cleaning the glasses lined along the bar. You were barely able to hear his low voice over the piano. “I swear that girl ain’t got no fear.”

“I guess that’s what comes from workin’ in a job like this long enough.” You replied simply, abandoning your fan on the bar as you snatched up one of the clean glasses. 

“I swear I seen them boys' faces on a poster up north in Rustler’s Grove.” Crowley muttered, eyeing you disapprovingly as you slid the glass in his direction. “You drinkin’ this early already?”

“Be a gentleman, won’t you?” You replied with a beam, elbows propped onto the bar. “Whiskey. The stuff from the back, not that watered-down shit for the guests.” 

“Sure thing, sweetheart.” Crowley grumbled, abandoning his post to rummage around for your request. You took the brief moment to cast a glance back across the room. 

Charlotte was now perched on one of the men’s laps; he had a darker complexion, and curls of dark hair were escaping from under his hat. You noted how one of his hands gripped Charlotte’s upper thigh, squeezing the exposed flesh. Her hand explored his chest as he whispered in her ear. Across the table, his two companions seemed deep in a hushed conversation, completely oblivious to the table of men eyeing them suspiciously nearby. 

You ripped your eyes away, instead putting your focus on your hands, which you had clasped tightly together. You never wanted this life; you assumed no whore truly wanted this life. Instead, you all stumbled into it one way or another. A broken family, a dead husband, a lost soul – each of you had a story that led you down this path. All you could do was put on a smile and tell yourself that you liked it, pretending that you had some kind of freedom or power over your situation. 

Your eyes fluttered upwards, watching Crowley through your lashes as he returned and poured the liquor into the glass. “You’re thinking too much again; all you’re gonna end up in is a whole world of pain.”

You considered his words, turning them over in your mind before speaking. “That’s what the drinks for.” You hummed with a weak smile. “No thinking if the whiskey drowns it all out.”

Crowley offered you a hollow smile, more of a grimace, as his weathered skin pulled tightly at the corners. “Damn right.” 

You shot the whiskey back in one swallow, with a moment of silence following as you allowed yourself to feel the burn in your chest. It was a familiar sensation, one you had relied heavily on to get through the past two months. 

“Whiskey this early? A woman after my own heart.” A deep, husky voice spoke from beside you. Trouble. There he stood. It seemed one of the trio had escaped Charlotte’s clutches; if it had been to talk to you or simply drink at the bar, you could not know. You couldn't help but notice the intensity of his gaze as it bore into you. He was taller than the other two and broader, with large shoulders and a chest that seemed to fill out his shirt in all the right places.

Your eyes quickly swept back across the room, seeing Charlotte still occupied. A few of the other girls circled nearby like vultures, searching for the coin they knew was just under their nose. 

“Buy me another one, then we can talk.” You replied easily, plastering on a sickly-sweet smile. You wondered if he saw through it and whether he knew how much you hated yourself. You knew it was foolish to think so.

The man silently motioned two fingers at Crowley, and your glass was quickly refilled. You swirled the amber liquid, eyeing the man as he examined you in return. He seemed to live a rough lifestyle, with skin weathered from the sun, sand and dirt clinging to flesh and clothes alike. His knuckles were bruised and swollen, and there was a scar above his left eyebrow. Strings of brunet hair poked out from beneath his hat, paired with piercing blue eyes that seemed to penetrate your soul. The muscles in his chiseled jawline flexed as he swallowed back the liquor with a stoic look. Your tongue ran over your bottom lip as you watched his adam’s apple bob. He had a rough, handsome charm to him, despite everything telling you to run. It always seemed to be that way with troublemakers. 

“How’d a girl like you end up in a place like this?” He hummed, placing his glass back on the bar. You smile at him from behind your own glass, keeping eye contact as you finish the liquor with ease. Whiskey made you comfortable, and whiskey made you fun. Most of all, it made you forget. 

“How do you think most girls end up in this place, hm?” You reply boldly, watching as Charlotte ascends the stairs with her new client in tow. “Sad stories, bad stories. Every whore has a sob story; do ya really want to hear a sob story?”

“You’re new here; ‘least you weren’t around when I was last in these parts,” he chuckled in response. Another round of liquor was poured into your glass with a quick flick of the man's callused fingers. 

“New…” You hum, your fingers tracing along the sticky, dark wood of the bar. The man’s attention was fixed on your every movement. “How new do you consider... new?”  

“I was ‘round here about a year ago now.” His gravelly voice replied, and another shot of liquor was swallowed. Your eyes briefly danced back across the room, a table of patrons shouting over a game of poker stirring your attention. The man next to you didn’t even flinch as a glass was shattered and chairs screeched as they tumbled to the ground. 

“I guess I am new.” You finally spoke, sending another perfectly empty smile in his direction. He ran his tongue over his teeth with a chuckle. “What’s your name?” You ask.

“James. But most people just call me Bucky.”

“Bucky.” You hum in thought, drinking yet another shot of the amber liquor. 

“You wanna head upstairs, sweetheart?” He asks, watching as Crowley abandons his post behind the bar to clear out the poker table, the group having resorted to whipping out their guns. You ignore the chaos, shrugging with a simple smile.

“Sure thing, cowboy.” You say as you hook your arm around the back of the bar, stealing the bottle of whiskey while Crowley was distracted. Bucky followed your movements with a grin, following you up the stairs wordlessly. 

—

Finding an empty room was easy; most of the girls had unspokenly claimed a room they reused throughout the day. The rooms in the Diamondback were modest, as expected for a small town. A double bed with fresh sheets, a chair next to an unused fireplace, and a dresser near the door with a bowl and pitcher of water placed atop it. 

Your back was turned to Bucky, and you could hear the creak of the bed as he sat down. You dared to look up through your lashes, meeting his eye through the mirror that sat atop the dresser. Bottle of whiskey forgotten, you turn to face the rugged man. You can't help but feel a little weak in the knees under his intense gaze. A hand runs over his stubbled chin briefly before removing the worn leather hat from his head. His hair, a rich, dark brown, emerges from beneath, his hand running through the messy strands.

You step forward, carefully taking the hat from his large hands. The remnants of sand and dirt prickle your fingers as you brush the pads over the fabric. You had come to learn how much the men who frequented the Diamondback valued their hats; there was an unspoken lore or story attached to each one. With his hat delicately placed on the bedside table, you return to Bucky’s side. 

With the whiskey doing its work, you smooth your hands over the dark fabric of his shirt. Your hands looked so small, delicate, and clean next to him. You found him handsome; if you were younger, you probably would’ve been intrigued or charmed by his looks as well. You knew to avoid trouble like him, but under different circumstances, at a different time?

The thoughts bubble in your mind as you seat yourself close next to him, breath fanning across his skin as you lean in. Your movements are slow and deliberate. You test his response with a quick peck of your soft lips against his before quickly closing the distance. He was so rough in comparison to you; his body was sturdy as a rock. His lips were chapped from days spent in the sun, and his stubble was coarse against your smooth skin. 

His hands gripped your waist tightly, pulling you closer as you licked into his mouth. A breathless chuckle rumbled in his chest, his lips hungrily consuming yours. Your hands explored lower, feeling the defined muscles beneath the dark fabric. Your hands wrapped around his suspenders and guided them over his broad shoulders. 

Bucky pulled away, his mouth instead traveling towards your neck. You tilted your head, feeling his hot breath across your skin. Squirming in his hold, your eyes fluttered shut as his lips met your ear.

“As much as I appreciate it, sweetheart, I’m just lookin’ to chat.” He breathed. You were so concentrated on his hot breath and his squeezing hands that you could not understand what he had said. You opened your eyes, heavy lidded as you gazed at him in confusion. 

“To chat?” You question, your faces still pulled closely together. 

“Maybe I do wanna hear your sob story, darlin’.” He hummed through a smirk. You felt heat rise in your cheeks, embarrassment flooding your system as you realized he was laughing at you. With one strong push, you wrenched yourself from his grasp with a huff.

“Don’t waste my time.” You hiss at him with a scowl, shooting to your feet. 

“I’ll pay you for your time; don’t worry. I ain’t lookin’ to put you out of business.” Bucky defended himself, raising his hands in the air as if in surrender. You hesitate near the dresser.

“You want to pay to talk to me?” You question him, your skepticism clear in your tone. There were always men trying to get out of paying what they fucked; you’d seen all the different types of scams. Some would run, some would get violent, and some would promise to ‘save’ the girl from this place. You could imagine trouble like Bucky running that type of scheme, saying it was just a chat to get out of payment. 

“I ain’t got many other people to talk to; why not a pretty lady?” He hummed, leaning back onto his muscled arms to view you properly. 

“If you’re messin’ with me–” You began to grumble.

“I ain’t, darling. Just wanna talk.” 

You stared at him for a beat, weighing your choices. Go downstairs and let another grubby man get his hands on you, or stay up here and chat with a handsome troublemaker who may or may not pay you. With a sharp exhale, you retrieve the bottle of whiskey and take a swig from it. “Fine. Alright then.”

Bucky watched your actions with an amused expression, his body language cool and collected against your outward annoyance. He reached over to his leather coat, which he had abandoned next to him on the bed, retrieving a box of cigarettes and matches. 

“You have a real sad look to you.” He commented as he placed a cigarette between his lips. “Standing down by that bar like you don’t wanna be here, I bet it attracts a certain type.”

“What do you mean?” You question him as he strikes the match, taking a long drag once the cigarette is lit. 

“The type of men you attract,” he begins to explain. “Type’a of men who want a girl who don’t want it. Cruel bastards, you know.”

You pause at his words, recounting all of the men you had serviced. Charlotte usually attracted the young ones, the boys who wanted a story to brag about to their friends. The men you attracted were older and quiet. They came to you, drawn in by your melancholy. The whiskey burned your chest as you took yet another swig. Memories best left buried. “And are you a cruel man?” 

“No, well, some might say, but not in that way. I ain’t a mean bastard with a fantasy of being with a girl who don’t want it.” 

“What type of man are you?” Your voice is low, a sense of unease crawls under your skin at his words. 

“What do you think?” He asks, his body growing still. Predator and prey. A part of you enjoyed the thrill of watching him assess your every move. Another part of you was terrified, screaming that you knew trouble and should know better than to get tangled up in it. 

“A dangerous one. An outlaw.” When you say those things, you mentally brace yourself for him to take offense and respond badly. Instead, to your surprise, he chuckles, eyebrows raising in delight as if you had hit the bullseye. 

A gleam tugs at his lips, the chuckle catching in his chest as he takes another drag. “An outlaw, eh? What do you know about outlaws?”

“I know the type.”

“Hah. I suppose you do, workin’ in a place like this.” He comments, hands gesturing to the room around you, the cheap linen and scratched wooden floors. Somewhere down the hall, you could hear Charlotte putting on one of her shows, the paper-thin walls barely covering the moans. “Places like this breed evil; I suppose that’s why I frequent them so often.”

Your back met the dresser as Bucky stood, his frame towering above you even from a few steps away. It only took a couple strides for him to be in front of you, plucking the cigarette from his lips as he took the whiskey from your hand. Smoke engulfed your senses, and the sense of danger grew with his closeness. 

Whoring was a risky line of work; like he said, saloons often bred evil. You weren’t a stranger to a man who got too aggressive, leaving bruises and blood in his wake. Bucky didn’t seem angry; he seemed amused by you, if anything. But you had to remind yourself that he was an outlaw, and most outlaws weren’t strangers to bloodshed. 

“Are you… Are you gonna hurt me?” You asked, your voice weak as you pressed yourself harder into the dresser. He gave you a look and coughed a little, as if bothered by your assumption, as he downed the whiskey. 

“What? No. I just wanna talk. I might be a bad man, but I ain’t the type to hurt a defenseless girl.” 

You visibility deflated as he backed off a few paces, placing the whiskey next to his hat as he ran a hand through his hair with a tense expression. You exhaled a sharp breath, watching the conflict cross his face. Maybe he didn’t mean to scare you; maybe he just needed someone to talk to. You’d heard of big, bad men who couldn’t be vulnerable to anyone. They were so afraid of betrayal that they ended up isolated in a room full of people. 

You could imagine Bucky like that; you almost felt sorry for the handsome man. He just wanted to talk; that couldn’t hurt, right? Your skirts swept across the creaky wood floors as you strode beside him, seating yourself between him and the bottle of whiskey. His azure eyes assessed you with a look of mild surprise.

“What… What do you want to talk about?” You finally cut into the silence. 

“Why don’t you tell me about yourself? How you ended up in a place like this?” He questioned, taking a seat beside you. Your thighs bumped together through the fabric, yet you didn’t lean away. “I always see girls like you in these places – gentle women who fell off at some point. Most of the time, it ain’t even their fault. I guess that’s what happened to you, sweetheart.”

You contemplate his words, plucking the still-smoking cigarette from his lips. He doesn’t protest as you inhale the smoke, tilting your head in thought. “It ain’t a happy story.” You confess.

“Don’t need to be. Sometimes I just need a reminder that whatever god is watching over us is just as cruel as us men can be.” His arms brushed yours as he leant over, retrieving the whiskey from beside you. Careful not to exhale smoke directly in his face, you turn your head to watch out the window as you wonder where to start. The sky was so blue outside, just as blue as Bucky’s eyes. It was alluring in a deceptive way; the summer heat beat down on Silverton relentlessly. Sometimes you were glad to work inside instead of out in that brutality. 

“My momma died when I was young. Cholera.” You begin, “Broke my daddy’s heart. He was a doctor, good one before momma died. I guess not being able to save her broke him. He fell into drink, gamblin', and whorin’. Barely made his appointments, so I had to help him run the office, cleanin’ up and sometimes stitchin’ up the fools that came in when he was too drunk to do it himself. Eventually he couldn’t afford to feed me no more; he could barely care for himself, let alone a child.” You pause to extinguish the last of the cigarette on the bedside table, the scorch mark joining a collection of older ones. Ghosts and memories of the place you sat in.

“So, my daddy, he sent me away to live with my uncle and aunt. They had a homestead not too far from here; my uncle and cousin were ranchers and moved cattle mostly. I liked it out there in the open; I would go ridin’ and watch the sun rise and set. My aunt would worry I would get robbed or worse, ridin’ alone out there. I was still a girl, really. I didn’t care nor really know how evil this place could be.” Bucky hummed in acknowledgement as you spoke, fingers brushing off some ash that had fallen onto your skirt. 

“I would help out on the ranch too; I liked that work. It felt like real work. Good, rewarding work. I liked the animals, playing with the dogs and ridin’ the horses to move the cattle.” Your gaze pulled away from the window, instead turning your head to watch as Bucky took another long drink from the whiskey.

“Then, my uncle died. Gored by his own bull one morning, I tried to save him, but he lost too much blood. It was all so sudden, weren’t nothing we could do. My aunt, she couldn’t bear to live there no more, decided to sell the place. She said she couldn’t take me wherever she was going with my cousin. They were using the money to buy a new ranch back east and couldn’t afford to keep me on no more. She said to write to my daddy and continue working as his assistant until I found a man to marry.” 

“What happened to your pa?” Bucky asked, the liquid sloshing in the bottle as he swirled it in his hands. You took a moment to shamelessly stare at the way the veins bulge over the muscles and tendons. 

“Don’t know.” You finally admit with a sigh. “Never replied to my letter. Either didn’t want me back or is buried somewhere and no one thought to tell me. So I went to the nearest town to find a job; ain’t no one want to hire a woman ‘cept for in this place. I decided whorin’ was better than starvin’.”

“Real shame. I bet a sweet girl like you could’ve made it in one of those cities back east. Married some big shot, lived life comfortably in one of those fancy city manors.” Bucky hummed. You knew the type of places he was talking about – massive manors filled with staff and shiny, expensive things. Hell, you could imagine Bucky having robbed a place like that while the inhabitants were out at social evenings with the rest of the upper class. 

“Maybe. I don’t think I could ever live in a city.” You confess with a shrug. “I like the open air, the emptiness of it all. I don’t get to see it much in this place, but I remember what it was like when I used to go ridin’ all those years ago.”

Bucky’s eyes trailed across your face. “I understand what you mean. I don’t stay in places long, get cold feet. I live in the open; I like traveling without being stuck in one spot.” 

“How did you end up livin’ the way you do?” You ask hesitantly, watching his thoughtful expression flicker into a more somber one. 

“It ain’t much of a clear story like yours. Absent pa, my momma had it rough raising us kids by herself. I got caught up in bad business, thievin’, killin’ and such. Once I got into it, I didn’t know how to get out. I made friends with similar stories; we all wanted to stay doing what we do so we could look out for each other. All of us just wanna stay out in that open; just keep headin’ west, knowin’ we’ll be buried in a place civilization has yet to meet.” His words were brief, and it was obvious to you that he had more of a connection to the outlaws he surrounded himself with than he did with his own blood. 

“Don’t you ever want to settle down some day?” You ask.

“Nah. Once you got the west in your bones, you’re lost to that life.”

You consider his words in silence, drowning out the sounds of other girls working in the surrounding rooms. You understood what he meant; it felt like you hadn’t left those open plains since you first discovered them. You missed riding without a care, the wind tangling your hair as you navigated the emptiness of it all. 

“Well. When you’re out there ridin’ in the empty, you’ll think of me? Some sad saloon girl who just wanted to ride out in the open?” You ask, eyes dipping behind your lashes as Bucky flashes you a genuine smile. 

“‘Course, sweetheart.”

—

Bucky and his friends hung around longer than both you and the other girls expected. Men like them usually only hung around for a few days or less. From Crowley’s muttering, it seemed the law didn’t show interest in them. Either that or the boys were keeping their heads down. 

Most mornings Bucky would come visit you, his two friends switching between drinking and sampling the other girls. Bucky’s eyes never seemed to stray from you, always finding you at the bar with a ‘hey sweetheart’ muttered with the scent of whiskey and leather. You started to enjoy his company, the stories and thoughts the both of you shared. 

Every time he visited, he would pay, neatly stacking the coins on the dresser. He always gave double your rate, a rugged smirk and wink sent your way as he slipped out the door. You found yourself waiting and looking for him each day, lingering near the bar until he and his friends sauntered in. 

Today was no different than any of your other meetings. Half a bottle of whiskey down, the two of you were talking about thoughts and worries you’d never thought to voice. The summer heat was worse than usual, and the saloon was crowded with working men slick with sweat and tempers to match the scorch outside. 

You sat now perched on the windowsill; the window cracked open despite the lack of wind. With your skirts and petticoat bunched up to your thighs to fight the heat, you dangled your legs through the air nonchalantly. A cigarette hanging from your lips as you carelessly stared out at the stretch of blue skies beyond. Bucky had carefully placed his hat on the dresser; his coat peeled off as he watched you from across the room. 

“Do you know what time the law go on their lunch break?” Bucky asked into the silence. Often, when a lull presented itself, the outlaw would break the quiet by questioning you about your clients or the townspeople of Sliverton.

“One o’clock, sometimes two if they’re dealin’ with trouble.” You respond easily, exhaling smoke out the window. It took you a beat to think about his question, your eyebrows drawing together. “Why?” You question.

It was an obvious conclusion to be suspicious: why was an outlaw asking about the law’s schedule? You’d noticed how Bucky’s interest often peaked at the mention of the law, the bank tellers, and sometimes even the gunsmith. You had mentioned how the manager of the bank was a cruel man, often leaving the girls with bruises. The group of you would draw lots when he came in, that or hope he would get too drunk to perform. 

As for the law, they often mixed business with pleasure. During their lunch break, they would often call down the girls to the sheriff’s office to work while they drank over a game of poker. You had been invited a couple times and mentioned it to Bucky off-hand a few days ago. 

“I heard some rumors about a bounty in this area, wanted to stop by when they weren’t… busy.” Bucky replied, a small amount of guilt growing in your chest at your unspoken accusation. The two of you had been open with each other these past weeks. 

“A bounty?” You question. “What are you doing gettin’ involved in that business?” You look over at him. The outlaw chuckles under his breath, his callused hand sweeping through his hair as he leans back further in his seat. 

“Takes an outlaw to catch an outlaw sometimes, sweetheart.” 

You chew on his words for a moment, shrugging with acceptance after not much thought. You could see what he meant; only outlaws were generally cocky enough to risk their lives for coin. That, and they would probably know where another might hide, having lived in their shoes. 

“You do that work often?” 

“Sometimes,” he hums in reply. “Only when we’re tight for coin.”

You swing your feet down to the wooden floors, your bare skin sticky against the warm wood. Once more, heat envelops your figure as your skirts descend to your shins. Bucky watches with interest as you put out your cigarette, stalking towards where he sits. 

“If you’re short, why are you out here spendin’ double on me?” You ask softly, pausing in front of him. His eyes dart upwards, examining your face with a gentle look.

“Sometimes you gotta make sacrifices for a pretty lady.”

You feel your cheeks flush at his words. Normally compliments made your skin crawl and your mouth turn sour, but Bucky had grown on you. Your hand moves towards him before you can think, resting gently on his shoulder. 

“I might regret sayin’ this but… I ain’t worried about the money. I do like our chats for other reasons than the coin.” You stumble over your words, a smug smirk growing on Bucky’s face. 

“Now, sweetheart, I don’t wanna be putin’ ya out of business talking to a fool like me–” Bucky doesn’t get to finish his words, much to your disappointment. Instead, you jerk back in surprise as the door is thrown open. 

In the doorway stands one of Bucky’s friends; you recognized him from his time in the saloon. His face was pink from the heat, and messy blond hair poked out from under his hat. A boyish grin spread across his cracked lips. You noted how large his stature was, nearly taking up the entire door frame. His chest must have been muscled beneath his dirt-stained shirt, his forearms bulging where the fabric had been pulled back to his elbows to combat the heat. 

“I see why you spend so much time here, Buck. She’s a pretty little thing, ain’t she?” Steve comments. You swallow thickly, glancing at Bucky, who sighs through his nose in annoyance. Any tenderness has left his expression, replaced with cold annoyance. 

“This is Steve.” The outlaw explains to you, getting to his feet. “What is it?” 

You recognized that name; Bucky had mentioned Steve over the past weeks. Steve had been one of his childhood friends who had followed him down the path of an outlaw. Bucky had told you how the two would pickpocket so they would have enough to eat. They had robbed and shot their way west; they fucked their way too, apparently. Bucky had mentioned how the two of them enjoyed their ladies, sometimes taking them at the same time in the same room. 

You couldn’t help but let your mind linger on that thought as you studied the blond man. His eyes were looking you up and down eagerly, lingering on your pronounced breasts due to your corset.

“Sam… er, Sam needs to talk.” Steve finally responds, hesitant and careful with his words, as if he didn’t want you to know the true meaning behind his interruption. As you look back over at Bucky, who has crossed over to the dresser, he nods at Steve in silent understanding. 

You bite your tongue as the two outlaws share an unspoken conversation, Bucky returning his precious hat to his head. As usual, you watch as he stacks double your rate on the end of the dresser, a secret, cocky smirk sent in your direction as he slips into the hallway.

“Why is he payin’ you that much? You got gold between your legs or somethin’?” Steve questions, having glanced at the pile left behind. You simply huff at him, slamming the door shut in his face. Through the door, you can hear him bellow out a laugh. 

—

It was a lazy Thursday afternoon when the first shots were heard. Silverton was not unfamiliar with a bit of violence; the occasional exchange of bullets was easy to grow accustomed to. That Thursday was no different, you’d thought, that was until the bullets grew more frequent. Shots rang through the town, sending people scattering into nearby buildings or braving the streets with revolvers in hand. 

That increase in sound blasting through the swelteringly hot afternoon was what made you pause. You were upstairs fixing your updo after a client. Placing the last pin between your strands, you moved to walk cautiously into the hallway. Glancing over the staircase railing, you look into the main bar area. Silence had fallen over the saloon, with chairs and tables empty as if the last patrons had fled. 

Your eyes land on Charlotte, who stood next to the bar, exchanging a worried conversation with Crowley. Quickly, you glance back down the hallway, noting the girls and guests who peeked their heads from their rooms in similar morbid curiosity. 

It felt wrong to linger upstairs listening to the massacre below; instead, you found yourself opting to join Charlotte and Crowley. As you descend the stairs, carefully lifting your skirts so as not to trip on them, Charlotte peaks up at you. 

“Somebody’s robbin’ the bank.” She quickly explains, catching your nervous expression. A bit of relief floods your veins. As loud and violent as that could be, the robbers weren’t likely to hang around for a drink. 

“Sounds like a slaughter out there.” You grumble in reply, finding your usual spot by the bar. Crowley looked mostly unphased, shining his glasses with a faint shake of his head. “You think they’re gonna get away with it?”

“Old man Billy ran by and said they ambushed the sheriff's office before they headed to the bank.” Crowley cuts in, placing the now-clean glass down. “Guessin’ there's still a few of them alive if they’re still shootin’. Pretty smart of them robbers to get them while they were on lunch break.”

A pit of dread grows in your stomach, your eyes glancing to the clock above the bar. Quarter past one. 

“Were any of our girls down that way?” Charlotte asks with worry, but your focus was instead turned to the dusty road outside. You hoped, if not prayed, that if you caught a glimpse of those robbers, it would not be Bucky and his friends. You couldn’t help but feel a crawling guilt, the possibility that maybe you had been duped into giving an outlaw information. You could not handle the deaths of so many on your shoulders. You knew if your careless words had caused it, it would be squarely your fault. 

“No, thank God. Law sent word they didn’t want girls today. Maybe they knew somethin’ was up.” Crowley replies, but you are hardly present in the conversation, instead shifting closer towards the window. You knew it was dangerous, but the pit of worry and guilt was growing in your stomach; you just needed confirmation.

Charlotte let out a sudden and piercing scream as one of the saloon’s windows shattered, a stray bullet richoeing and landing in one of the tables with a thud. “Get away from the windows!” she shrieks at you. 

Only as your brain recognizes the danger do you move away, rigidly walking to Charlotte’s side once more. The woman grabs at your arm, beginning to tug you behind the bar as you cast one last glance out the windows. 

Nausea crawls in your stomach, and bile rises in your throat as Charlotte tugs you to the floor behind the bar. Amongst the gunshots and dead bodies, you saw the group of masked figures emerge from the bank onto the streets. Just a brief moment, a glance, and your world was left spiraling as your breathing grew faster and ragged. Any other person may have looked at those figures and been oblivious, but you had spent weeks tucked away in the upstairs room with Bucky. You could recognize him even with a mask on, with his muscled form and leather hat. Bucky was out there, standing over dead bodies with a shotgun in hand. And it was all your fault. 

Conversations long past swirl in your mind; how many times had Bucky shifted the topic to be about the law, the bank tellers, or the townsfolk of Silverton? How many times had he tricked you into revealing information that wasn’t supposed to go beyond your ears? So many times clients had confided in you, and you had just passed on the information like it were some inside joke between the two of you. 

Charlotte flinched and trembled beside you as the gunshots and shouting grew louder. You could only stare at the clock above and spiral. Crowley remained in place, cleaning glasses with a cold expression as if he alone could ward off any evil. 

Outside, the voices grew louder and angrier. 

“Well, it ain’t me who shot the doctor!”

“He can’t ride like this!”

“You better be fuckin’ right about this Barnes or we’re all dead!” 

Charlotte's hands dug into your arms, pulling you closer as the wooden planks of the boardwalk outside grew alive with the sound of stomping boots. Crowley’s glass cleaning paused as the saloon doors were slammed open in a hurry. Crowley’s mouth opened, meaning to speak to the men who had just stormed in. No words came out; instead, the spray of blood, chunks of flesh, and skull decorated the surrounding area as a bullet was fired directly into his skull.

Beside you, Charlotte shrieks once more as Crowley's body slumped to the floor with a hollow thud. You clamp your hand over her mouth, shushing her as you pull her closer. Your body is trembling, and bile is still stuck in your throat. You try not to focus on the way that Crowley’s brain matter had sprayed across your skin, dewy drops of crimson like a mist. You could feel the moisture, smell and taste the copper in the air. All you could do was try to keep as quiet as possible as the armed outlaws prowled only feet away. 

The next thing to catch your attention is the sound of groaning and hissing, the unmistakable sound of someone in pain. Chairs and tables screech as if they are being pulled together while bullets still rain outside. You try to blindly piece the scene together in your mind, trying to understand why the outlaws had gathered here with lawmen so closely on their tail.

“They can’t hold them off for long out there. One of the law got away; we reckon he’s headed up Deadwood way to get back up.” A woman's voice shouts over the chaos. 

“Where’s your girl then, Barnes? Better be worth it.” A male voice snaps. Through Charlotte's panting and the gunshots, you can hear the thunder of boots storming up the stairs. 

“Someone get me some fuckin’ whiskey.” The injured man speaks through gritted teeth. Your heart beats wildly in your chest, hoping whoever goes to retrieve the liquor doesn’t spot both you and Charlotte quivering in the corner. You press your back harder against the bar, pulling Charlotte closer into your side as she lays her head across your chest while silent sobs shake her body. 

“Barnes! Hurry up!” The woman shouts up the stairs in annoyance, only to be met with no reply. The gunshots outside began to slow, the law seemed to be losing this shootout. 

Heavy boots fall closer, a large figure rounds the corner of the bar. To your horror, he spots the two of you immediately, and even worse, it’s Steve. You recognize him quickly, with his sunburnt cheeks and blond hair and a mask still tied around his neck. His expression was one of relief but also of worry. When you last saw him, he was all smirks and flirting. You imagined it was probably a sight to see both you and Charlotte trembling behind the bar, covered in the contents of Crowley’s skull. 

“She’s here, Buck.” Steve called out, your blood turning to ice. 

A few days ago, you wouldn’t have been afraid of Steve or Bucky. Foolish, you now realize. It was foolish to get so close to danger and not feel her power. You didn’t know what these outlaws wanted from you, but you weren’t going to give it easily.

Steve stepped over Crowley’s body, and you shake your head. Beside you, Charlotte began to sob loudly, her nails digging into your skin. Between her panicked breathing, you could’ve sworn she was chanting, ‘Please God, I don’t want to die.’ under her breath. The woman you had once known was gone, in complete submission to fear. No more coy smiles and soft touches; no more fearlessness in the face of dangerous men. Charlotte was terrified, and so were you. 

“Don’t touch me.” You warn Steve, but he ignores your request. His large hands wrap around Charlotte’s waist, tugging her away. She let out a terrified scream, grabbing and scratching at your arms in an attempt to hold on. Steve’s arms proved stronger, finally wrenching Charlotte away and ushering her away. 

Steve’s attention now turned to you, a gruff sigh leaving his nose as he noticed your defiant look. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be, pretty girl.” 

You shove his hands away, the two of you briefly struggling before Steve finally finds a grip around your waist and hoists you to your feet. 

“I said don’t fuckin’ touch me!” You shout at the blond, shoving and hitting at his chest. He grumbles in annoyance, trying to grasp your arms to stop the movement. Behind you, Charlotte is making a noise somewhere behind a sob and a scream as one of the unfamiliar men drags her out from behind the bar. 

You back away further from Steve, still shoving and pushing him away. Only when your back meets something warm and solid does he stop his advance. Spinning around, you stand face-to-face with Bucky. His scent is the same: leather, but this time with a dash of gunpowder. Small blood splatters decorate his skin and clothing. As he grasps your wrists to stop your struggle, you unconsciously note how his knuckles are bruised and split. 

“No...” is all you manage to utter, Bucky tilting his head with a frown as tears begin to streak down your face. You had been foolish enough to trust him and his rugged, handsome looks. You had blindly answered his questions without a care for the consequences because he had been kind and mysterious. He had told you himself he was an outlaw, a bad man. Now how many lives weighed on you too? Even Crowley’s blood was on your hands, literally and metaphorically. 

Bucky’s hand reached up tenderly to wipe the tears from your cheek, his frown only deepening as you flinched away from his touch. 

“As touchin’ as this is, we don’t have the time for this, Barnes.” The woman’s voice from earlier spoke up. Now that you are standing, you could look over to see her. She had a wicked look, messy red hair, and a cut across her cheek. A rifle slung across her shoulder, a revolver, and a knife at her hip. She assessed you with a look of annoyance, a scowl painted across her sharp lips. 

With an annoyed grunt, Bucky obliged the woman’s request. His hand wrapped around your wrist as he tugged you back onto the main floor. You tried to ignore the hole in Crowley’s face as you were forced to step over his body, your shoes slipping in the pool of slick blood gathering on the wood floors. 

“What do you want? You comin’ in here to kill us all too?” You ask, your voice raspy from the tears. Charlotte lingered near the staircase, still sobbing, as a younger man growled in annoyance at the sound. 

“You think I’m here to kill you after everythin’, sweetheart? No. I need your help with somethin’.” Bucky questions, sounding a bit dismayed at your sudden fear. You swallow hard, trying to contain the tears that continue to freely stream down your face. 

“Crowley is dead.”

“Yeah, well, that was unfortunate.” He grumbles, displeased. 

“You’re a bastard, you know that?” You snap at him.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I need ya to stitch up my friend here.” Bucky shrugs off your insult, instead tilting his head in the direction of a bloody sight. Your body shakes with each step, and you feel as if you are only held upright by Bucky’s firm grip, guiding you to a set of tables that have been pulled together. On top lies a man, older and with greasy black hair. Blood stains his shirt, and there is an obvious bullet wound in his lower abdomen. Sweat beads line his brow, his eyebrows drawn together as he battles the pain. You stare at him speechless, watching as Steve returns from behind the bar with a bottle of whiskey. 

“Here ya are, Stark.” The blond mutters, shaking his head, as the injured man eagerly chugs the liquor down. For the pain, you think. He’s drinking it for the pain. You try to attach yourself to thoughts and knowledge you recognize, distracting the noise in your brain in the hopes that your hands and legs will stop trembling. You can barely think, and Bucky wants you to stitch him up?

Charlotte’s wailing doesn’t help your case, nor does it seem to quell the tempers rising in the room. Stark speaks up between gulps of whiskey. “Someone, for the love of God, stop her wailing or shoot the damn woman!” 

The younger, twitchy man makes a loud noise of agreement, revolver in hand, as he points it directly at Charlotte’s forehead. Charlotte’s sobbing becomes uncontrollable, curling in on herself as she wraps her arms around her middle in defense. Your breath comes short, and your shaking hands grip Bucky’s bicep for comfort as you watch in horror.

“Her daddy was shot–” You suddenly blurt out, capturing the attention of the younger man. “He was shot in front of her; this type’a stuff upsets her. You understand?” Your tone was desperate, near begging. You don’t know why you said it, but you hoped maybe the man would have sympathy for her. Charlotte had confided in you about nightmares once; you didn’t know who else knew about the darkness in her life. The young man stares at you for a moment, his hand running over the non-existent stubble with an irritated sigh. 

“You women are so fragile.” He mutters, raising the gun and striking the metal across Charlotte’s face. You gasp involuntarily, ducking your head so your cheek is pressed against Bucky’s chest. Charlotte’s wailing finally comes to a stop; instead, she only sniffles quietly as she holds a hand to her face in shock. 

“Leave it, Parker.” Steve growls, prowling across the room, placing himself between Parker and Charlotte. Parker throws his hands up in surrender, instead stalking across the room to where some of the other nameless outlaws had gathered to keep watch. 

Stark growls in annoyance from the tables once more, the mixture of pain and whiskey elevating his rage. “Trust pretty boy Rogers to be a fuckin’ gentleman. I’ll shoot the bitch myself even with this bullet in me.”

“Barnes.” The red-headed woman warns, sensing the rising tension and passing time.

“What do you need to stitch him up?” Bucky pressed with questions more urgently; it was clear time was running out and stalling would end in bloodshed. 

“I can’t–” You mutter over your panicked breathing. 

“Your pa was a doctor.” Bucky interrupts. “You told me yourself that you used to stitch fools up when he was too drunk to do it himself.”

“It’s been years–”

“What do you need?” Bucky’s voice was more firm, demanding even. You note how the other outlaws lingered nearby, twitchy and ready to pull the trigger at any moment. If you continued to stall, you would surely die. So would Charlotte. You would just have to stitch Stark up as quickly as possible, and then danger would finally leave your home. 

“Clean water, cloth, and a sewing kit too.” You gasp out. “They’re upstairs in my room; the sewing kit is in the dresser.”

“Good girl.” Mumbles to you lowly, your stomach twisting as the gravelly sound. Bucky’s gaze raises to meet Steve, who quickly bounds up the stairs to retrieve the objects. 

“Must be the end of times if we’re trustin’ a whore to stitch me up.” Stark grumbles from below, you sigh heavily through your nose, trying to calm your shaking hands. Beside you, Bucky tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear, as if trying to comfort you. Somehow, it gives you the courage to breathe again.

“You’re gonna want to lay off that whiskey.” You instruct Stark with a small sniff, fishing the bottle from his grip and wiping your tear-stained face. “You don’t wanna be chuckin’ that back up with a bullet in your gut, trust me.” 

Stark barks out a pained, drunken laugh in response. “Alright, little lady.” His eyes swept over to Bucky. “She always this commandin’? This why you like her in bed, Barnes?” 

Bucky lets out a sound resembling a snarl, but Steve's arrival bearing the requested items muffles any retaliation. You willed your hands to stay steady as you approached Stark, who was still writhing in pain on the table. Your father had called it ‘the calm’ or even ‘God's will’ when a doctor could quieten his worries to have a steady hand while stitching. You’d never believed in his spoutings until that moment, burying the anxiety of the situation as you instead focused your attention on the injury before you. 

With the bloodied shirt pulled up, you turned him slightly to inspect his back. No exit wound. A sharp sigh left your nose as you realized you’d have to dig around and find the bullet yourself and pray it hadn’t burst into more than one piece. Wetting some of the clean cloth, you use it to wipe away the blood from the skin, giving yourself a better view of the entry. Stark tenses and squirms involuntarily beneath your touch, hissing through clenched teeth. 

Your eyes flicker upward toward Bucky and Steve, catching their attention. “I need help holdin’ him down; he’s not gonna stay still even if he wants to.”

Stark seems irritated by your assumptions but keeps his mouth shut. The men are quick to assist you, with two men holding down his legs while Bucky and Steve take his arms and chest. You keep your eyes downcast as you easily unlatch Stark’s belt. 

“Bite.” You guide the injured man, placing the leather belt between his teeth. You’d heard stories of men biting through their own tongues, even shattering their teeth in the height of pain. Best not to take the risk. 

You take the bottle of whiskey, splashing the liquor over your hands before pausing before the wound. You glance over at Stark’s face; there is a look of determination in his eye as he nods for you to proceed. 

Stark’s body reacts instantly to the liquor, jerking against the hands that held him in place. His groans and screams are muffled through the belt as he bites down, his face growing red. Your hands are steady, and your fingers are nimble and quick as you blindly dig through the wound. Muscle constricts around your fingers, hot and sticky against your skin. 

Your heartbeat is in your ears as you search, drowning out the muffled screaming and the puffing of the men as they use all their might to restrain Stark’s squirming and jolts. Your fingers dig deeper, and a small worry grows in your gut that maybe you might not be able to locate the bullet. Blood spills from the wound, slippery copper sliding down his side and splashing onto the tables below. Your heart is in your mouth, the screams growing worse–

Your finger brushes something solid and hard; the object is slippery and small in comparison to the muscle and organ. It takes a few tries to grasp it between your fingers, with the sleek metal proving difficult to grip. 

A sharp sigh of relief leaves your body as you successfully fish it from the wound, the metal clattering to the table. Thankfully, you note that the bullet is also whole. Blood paints your skin; all you can do is wash it away with the water while Stark pants in relief. 

“How much longer?” The redhead woman asks; she has moved to linger near the doors. Outside, a few men hover with guns, as if expecting more law to turn up at any moment. 

“It is small; it won’t take long to stitch.” You explain, your hands remaining steady as you begin to thread one of the larger needles. 

The woman nods. “Make it quick.”

You follow her demands, quickly dousing the wound once more with whiskey. Stark groans, his head lulling from the mixture of drunkenness and exhaustion. If he were one of your father’s patients, maybe you would’ve comforted him and told him it was nearly over. But you were reminded of Charlotte still sniveling by the stairs, Crowley’s head blown open, and his body still slumped behind the bar. 

Empathy evades you as you dig the needle into his flesh, your mouth set into a line as you easily pull the skin together with each stitch. Stark continues to jerk and shake, his body still held steady by the outlaws who watch your movements with interest. 

Within minutes, you have tied off the thread, successfully putting Stark back together again. The outlaws seem silently relieved, if not surprised, by your efficiency as you wrap one of the clean strips of cloth around his middle like a bandage. 

“He will be able to ride?” Bucky asks as you turn back to the bowl of water, cleaning your bloodied hands. 

“The stitches will hold as long as you don’t ride too hard.” You respond, not quite meeting his eye. “If the wound keeps bleedin’ or starts festerin’ don’t give him whiskey. You can find yarrow and greasewood herbs out in the wild; they’ll help him best.”

The redhead woman makes a sound at your words, swinging around to face you. “What does a whore know about herbs? Your doctor daddy taught you that, or ya tryna poison us?”  

You pause your movements, biting your tongue at her harsh tone. “I read it in a book.” You admit sheepishly. 

The room is silent before Stark surprisingly roars with laughter, clutching his wound as he wheezes with pain at the sudden movement. “A whore that can read? Now that is a treat. What’s next? You can do arithmetic?” 

You ignore his quip, instead drying your hands on the remaining cloth. Your father had made sure you could read, though that was before he spiraled into an early grave. Your cousin had helped you as well, the older boy providing you with stories and adventures to consume. You missed the simplicity of those days, riding the horse and moving the cattle without a care for the real world. 

You were pulled away from your thoughts as Bucky gently touched your arm, seemingly having forgotten your new-found distaste for him. You flinch away from his touch like a skittish animal, sidestepping as you quickly depart his side in favor of Charlotte’s. The woman was still crouched near the staircase, shivering, with a large bruise developing across her cheek and her lip split and bloody. 

You can feel Steve hovering nearby, his expression cold as he watched you usher Charlotte to her feet. You knew his irritation wasn’t with you or Charlotte but rather with Parker, who had struck the woman. 

“Is she going to be–” Steve begins to question as you guide Charlotte up the first few steps. You look back, scowling over your shoulder at the outlaw. 

“Don’t.” You hiss at him, watching as he nods in meek surrender. 

Charlotte is slow to walk; her footsteps are clumsy as she shivers and whimpers in your arms. The redhead woman watches the both of you with an expression of distaste. Below the men gather their wits and guns, Stark teeters in place as he gets to his feet with a cocky expression. His gaze follows the woman's, dark eyes landing on the both of you, lingering a few steps up. 

“Hold on there, little lady!” Stark booms up, his words still slightly slurred from the liquor and exhaustion. Charlotte freezes in place, hands clasped rigidly on your arms. You glance back at Stark, hoping he means to just announce their departure instead of demanding your skills once more. 

“There ain't no doctors out in the wild; what am I supposed to do if this wound splits open? Get one of these fools to stitch it up?” He asks, his mouth curled into a cruel smile. The outlaws shift their weight, as if they are also unsure as to where this is going. 

“Find another town to terrorize?” You suggest tugging Charlotte so she is positioned behind you, hidden from their view. 

“Nah…” Stark drawls, staggering a few steps, a revolver swinging on his finger. “I think… it would be easier if you just came along with us.” 

“What?” Bucky and the redhead woman bark in unison before you can react. Your grip on Charlotte tightens, blocking out the bickering between the outlaws below as you tilt your head to whisper to her. 

“Run.” You mutter, dragging Charlotte up the stairs behind you. You had no plan other than to escape. There was no point in fighting out the front door, instead you would have to risk climbing out one of the upstairs windows–

A shot rings out behind you, and Charlotte's body suddenly becomes a dead weight. You can feel the spray of moisture across the back of your neck, but don’t dare turn to see the sight. 

“Did you really need to do that?” Steve shouts from somewhere below, the sound of unfamiliar, wicked laughter carrying up the stairs. Your heartbeat is so loud you can’t hear anything else, only the distorted voices of the outlaws below. Your mouth tastes like blood as you top the stairs, gripping the railing as you turn to race down the hallway.

A pair of hands grasp around your middle, tugging you backward. A scream, louder and more violent than any of Charlotte's, leaves your throat as you thrash in the grip, scratching and kicking as the chuckling man carries you down the stairs. 

“You sure you want her, Stark? She seems like a handful.” The unfamiliar outlaw carrying you asks. 

“Don’t look so pressed, Barnes. My aim’s good enough not to shoot your girl. You got a real thing for her, haven’t ya?” Parker remarks with a grin. 

Sobs escape you as you struggle in the crushing grip of the outlaw, any sense of your father’s mythical ‘calm’ or ‘Gods will’ leaving your body. Animal instinct takes over; Charlotte was dead. Crowley was dead. In a blind panic, you bite down on the arm of your captor, the man yelping in pain and dropping you instantly. 

Your knees bite with pain as you slam into the hard, wooden floors. After stumbling to your feet, you turn to resume your escape. Your attempt is short-lived, as you are stopped by a familiar body. Leather and gunpowder. You bury your head into his chest, exhaustion and fear taking over as you silently beg Bucky to protect you.

“See! She’s got the spirit. We’ll make an outlaw out of you yet.” Stark remarks with another cruel laugh. “And if your stitching proves useless, you can always prove your worth with what's between your legs.” 

The redhead woman lets out an annoyed grumble at that, and over the cackling of the men, you hear her march out of the saloon to ready the horses. 

“Come on,” Bucky mutters to you, guiding you towards the door. You dig in your feet, nausea rising as you watch the men mount their horses through the windows. 

“I don’t want to.” You sobbed quietly. The brunet outlaw sighs, his movements hesitating as if he were conflicted. 

“I can’t do anything to change Stark’s mind–”

“And when you deem me useless? Are you going to shoot me like Crowley, like… like Charlotte?” Your voice quivers and shakes; your vision blurred from the tears streaming down your face. You had hated this place; you had felt its evilness and oppression. But it was your home; it held your friends. You weren’t ready to leap into the unknown or trust these men who had hurt you. To trust Bucky, who had tricked and betrayed you.

“This is not how this was supposed to go.” Bucky mutters under his breath, then, without asking, scoops you over his shoulder to forcefully carry you from the building. Through sobs, you squirm, his shoulder digging into your stomach as you watch the saloon slowly be ripped away from you with each step. 

“Put me down.” You gasp at him as he finally exits the building. “Bucky– Bucky please just put me down–” 

The outlaw obliges, dumping you on your feet next to a horse. “Get on.” He instructs. 

You shake your head, pushing at his chest. “No.”

“Get on the horse.” He demands once more, guiding you towards the horse’s side. 

You begin to push him away harder, with the other outlaws watching as you sob between hitting and struggling as Bucky tries to persuade you to get on the horse. His patience seems to quickly grow thin, and the watchful eyes of his peers grow equally impatient with hateful sneers. 

His hands move quickly, grasping your wrists and tugging you closer to his chest. You freeze as he lowers his head, his hat brushing your hair as he whispers in your ear. 

“If you don’t get on, these boys are gonna tie you up and drag you behind. We don’t want that, do we now? So what is it, all tied up or sitting pretty, sweetheart?” His gravelly, low voice sends a shudder down your spine, your eyelids fluttering shut briefly. 

“I’ll get on.” You mutter back quietly, pulling back. Bucky nods, pleased, his thumb brushing away the tears on your cheek. 

“Good choice.” 

With a shuddering breath, you grip the horn of the saddle, swinging your legs over to mount the horse. It had been months since you last rode, but the muscle memory remained embedded deep in your mind. Bucky was quick to mount up too, his body sliding in behind you while one of his hands lazily wrapped around your waist, reins in the other. 

The band of outlaws were quick to move once everyone was situated, with fearful townsfolk peering out their windows as the herd moved past in a cloud of dust. You tried to ignore the dead bodies that lined the street, their blood staining the loose dirt. You couldn’t let your brain slip into a dark place, thinking of Crowley and Charlotte still warm in the saloon. A nauseous feeling of dread consumed your being as you noted the blood still splattering up your arms and dress, the rocking motion of the cantering horse beneath you not helping. 

You found yourself leaning back into Bucky, the only sturdy thing nearby. Your head lay back against his shoulder as you looked up at the blue skies above, the heat beating down on your exposed skin. 

The pace only slowed as the outlaws felt they had traveled far enough to evade any lawmen acting as backup. The heat had grown unbearable the further you drew from civilization; these wilds were not the ones you had frequented as a teen. There were no rivers, forests, or grass. There was only dirt, sand, and heat. These were what men meant when they spoke of the west, pure, untamed country. 

Bucky had hardly spoken, leaving you alone in your grief and sickness. He held you steady as you silently cried. Even when you could cry no more and your eyes rolled back from the heat, he continued to hold you steady, ensuring his horse kept an even gait. 

The silence was finally broken as Steve slowed his horse, falling in step with the two of you at the back of the party. 

“She ain’t looking too great, Buck.” The blond commented, leaning in his saddle to inspect you closer. You shied away from his eyes, pressing closer to Bucky. 

“It’s the heat.” Bucky murmured in response, his gaze fixed ahead. The redhead woman had slowed her own horse, glancing back at the interaction with interest. 

“Here.” Steve says, retrieving a waterskin from the pack on his saddle. Unscrewing the top, he passes it to Bucky, who in turn offers it to you. You groan, pushing the offer away. At that moment, you’d have rather become one with the bleached bones of the desert. 

Bucky huffs sharply, lifting the waterskin to your lips. 

“Drink,” he commands. “You lost too much energy crying and wailing back there.”

As soon as the earthy, warm water graces your lips, a survival instinct kicks in, and you greedily take a few gulps before finding the strength to push the waterskin away. Bucky seems happy enough with the amount you have taken, passing it back to Steve. 

The blond man shakes his head while screwing the top back on. “I don’t know what Stark was thinkin’ Buck; I don’t think she’s gonna make it out here.” 

Bucky seems to sigh at that, giving Steve a sidelong look. “She’ll be fine.”

Steve shrugs, nudging his horse forward to catch up with the redhead woman. Through your squinted eyes, you make out the two of them exchanging some hushed words. 

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Steve don’t know what he’s talking about.” Bucky reassures you, one of his large hands patting your thigh. 

“What if he’s right?” You question, your voice cracked and raspy. 

“There’s no need to worry.” He says it with a hum, accompanied by a small squeeze of your thigh. “I’ll look after you, pretty lady.”

[dude-wheres-my-ankheg]

Abdirak - A Contradiction In Faith (Link to AO3)

Word count: 3.2k

Characters: Abdirak, Loviatar

Summary: An essay exploring how Abdirak's behaviour and beliefs tie into the overarching Loviatan faith.

Tags: Essays, Meta, Nonfiction, Analysis, Character Analysis, Character Study

Find my fic master list here.

Because I've heard a lot of people prefer to read meta on Tumblr, full essay is under the cut:

Start Notes

This essay is not meant to diminish or debunk anyone's thoughts, opinions, or headcanons about Abdirak's character. It is simply an exploration of my own findings and a discussion about the lore surrounding him. I fully love and support everyone's own interpretations of the character. However, my own reading of Abdirak is extremely personal to me and the reason why he has resonated with me so strongly. As such, I wanted to explore more about his character and the discussions about him both in and out of the game, and give some context to where my own personal reading of him came from.

Worth noting that I am not an authority on anything, just some guy with an obsession and some books.

Introduction

Abdirak was for many the highlight of the Goblin Camp, despite being a brief flash-in-the-pan of an NPC with a single scene and a potential gameplay buff. So how does such a character captivate the hearts and imaginations of so many? The obvious answer is that he is sexy, dangerous, and fun, and provides the opportunity for some cheeky companion banter. However there is more to him than meets the eye, especially for those who know a little about Loviatar and her worshippers.

Right from the start, Abdirak is a man of contradictions. Charming yet blood soaked. Enticing and yet promising pain. Offering healing through harm. But as we dig deeper, we can see just how deep the contradictions truly go.

A (Very) Brief Look At Traditional Loviatan Beliefs

Traditional Loviatan tenets are fairly clear cut when examining the lore. For all of my research, I have been unable to find any reference to healing through pain as Abdirak claims to.

Loviatar desires pain and suffering through any and all means, including psychological torture and manipulation, seduction and heartbreak. Their goals are to spread discontent and misery. Loviatans are characterised as being cruel and manipulative, often using winning peoples' trust and breaking it as a way to hurt them.

The only reference to healing I have found exists in the following passage from a speech given to those new to the faith:

"Let mercy of sudden abstinence from causing pain and of providing unlooked-for healing come over you seldom, but at a whim so as to make folk hope and increase the Mystery of Loviatar's Mercy. Unswerving cruelty will turn all folk against you." [1]

Here, we see healing used as a manipulation and a break from pain, not a result of the pain. It is simply a trick to convince people to fall more deeply into the devout's clutches. If we trust the lore books, all Loviatans should be gleefully spreading misery. Which would make sense - Loviatar is an evil god with evil followers who thrives on misery and suffering. She likes to be feared and charges her followers with spreading that fear [1].

Abdirak

Enter Abdirak. A charming, handsome, lightly blood splattered man who claims he simply wishes to help the player character. He explains his faith and how he believes that his work is beneficial to those around him and not only his goddess. With what we know about Loviatans, surely this is an act? Loviatans make it their life's work to twist and trick people into harm. A quick encounter within a Goblin Camp may not seem like much of a chance to win a heart and shatter it, but certainly enough to lie about the health benefits of being smacked with a mace.

There are, however, little things about him that are off.

For one thing, he was invited to the Goblin Camp to torture Liam, a task which he is not performing. In fact, he seemed disgusted with the thought of it - pain should be, as Abdirak himself says, an "intimate and loving thing." That doesn't sound particularly in-keeping with the traditional Loviatan beliefs, and neither does passing up the opportunity to torture a man.

Another contradiction is how Abdirak is insistent that those receiving the penance be well enough to do so. While Loviatans may not want broken bones or severe injuries themselves—as such hinders their duties and their worship—what would it matter if a stranger was injured during the course of a penance? Yet Abdirak is insistent. Only those well enough may receive his "gifts" and those who lose too much health during the penance will immediately see it stopped.

Then of course, there is simply the way he is. The way he speaks. The care and consideration in his words. Of course, this could all be a part of his act - a smooth and clever manipulation. A very convincing one at that. However, there are reasons to believe otherwise.

The Contradiction

The idea that Abdirak is simply a smooth manipulator is somewhat thwarted by several factors. For one, an argument can be made about his behaviour as above. For another, the developer's notes within the game files and the comments and context added by Rachel Quirke (Abdirak's writer) and Declan Perring (Abdirak's voice actor) paint a very different picture of his motives to that of a cruel and selfish manipulation.

Let us address the character's actions within the game first, as these are easiest to dismiss. Abdirak does his best to convince the player character to undergo the penance, but makes no move to force them. In fact, beyond his simple pitch—this is good for you, it will help you—he does not push. He doesn't try to find new ways to tempt the player and does not try to twist his arguments to entice. He lets the offer stand on its own merit rather than overly pushing the issue and trying to convince the player character. Of course, this could be attributed to him not wanting to cause trouble for himself. It gets more interesting when we look deeper into the game meta.

One of the most noticeable things about the acting direction given within the dialogue game files is the repeated use of the word "sincere." It is applied to Abdirak himself, to his beliefs, to his words. It is used over and over to describe this man and his desire to help the player.

"This is a sincere and genuine offer, He believes in what he is doing and that it will, ultimately, help the player." [2]

"It is a sincere and genuine offer, he believes it will help." [2]

"He's looking the player in the eyes and is concerned - he can see the player has been hurt (emotionally) and is worried. This is sincere." [2]

"Player has told him to bugger off, basically. Abdirak assumes the player is embarassed [sic], he is sincere - he has seen pain in the player's eyes and wishes to comfort him." [2]

"He believes that the beating he is about to offer will genuinely help. Sincere." [2]

"Explaining about his goddes [sic] Loviatar. Sincere. Believes pain is a beautiful thing." [2]

"The priest should look very sincere in this scene. He genuinely thinks he's helping you." [2]

This sentiment is further echoed by his writer, Rachel Quirke, who has also commented directly on his sincerity in online discussions with fans. [3]

In addition to these notes and comments, the following quote is from Declan Perring, the voice actor who brings Abdirak to life, and is a section of the acting direction notes he was given prior to recording Abdirak's voice lines. It goes: "He sincerely believes in what he is doing and that each offering of pain to the Goddess lessens his own pain and that of others." [4] This is a fascinating quote which gives us huge insight into Abdirak's thoughts and far more questions than answers. It is in direct contradiction with the tenets of Loviatan faith, as discussed above, where pain and suffering are shared for the sake of pain and suffering alone. When Abdirak tells us that he wishes to alleviate the player character's pain, he means it. It seems to remove the potential for Abdirak's prior mentioned sincerity to simply be very good acting.

Unlike what the lore relating to Loviatans would have us believe, Abdirak is not lying or twisting his words. He is not concealing ulterior motives. In his mind, he is a healer of sorts. His believes that his desire to worship the Lady of Pain aligns with his desire to help people - and believes that he is succeeding.

There are other small things as well that Abdirak says in his short time with the player character which seem out of place for a Pain of Loviatar. For one, he implies that he does not like to kill. Traditionally, Loviatans do not seem to have many qualms about such, and have frequently been involved in warfare. [1] In addition to this, as mentioned above, Loviatar wants to be feared by the world. Abdirak however preaches about her loving embrace and wants the player character to trust him and seemingly by extension her. Even after the penance, Abdirak makes no move to make the player character concerned, even if they were not deemed worthy of the blessing.

Implications

Abdirak's seemingly unique outlook on Loviatar worship certainly raises some questions, and gives us several potential routes to explore when we consider his relationship to his religion and how it ties into mainstream Loviatar worship.

Is Abdirak some delusional outlier, espousing a false version of his own god's creed? This seems unlikely. Abdirak claims to be in communication with Loviatar, supported by the fact that he is capable of personally handing out her blessings. She seems to approve of his strange methods - is this simply because he is so effective? Loviatar's focus tends to be upon the suffering itself. Abdirak's methods and unique outlook could be tolerable to her simply due to his enthusiasm and success in providing pain and suffering to her, even if he's doing some therapy on the side.

Another potential explanation is that he is part of a smaller sect of Loviatan worshippers, whose values differ slightly to those of the main church. This explanation is without any lore foundation, but it is certainly interesting to think about. Both real life and the Forgotten Realms have examples of religions with disagreeing or even rival branches, so it is not a stretch to believe that a sect of Loviatans could exist who believe their abilities to inflict pain also bestow healing of sort. Though again, this is not supported by any other suggestions within the game or external lore that I have found, but definitely opens some fun headcanon potential.

Another possible reason for Abdirak to be the way that he is is that the church has simply moved on and evolved, much like the modernising of real life religions. Again, this hypothesis is without basis and pure speculation.

There is also the possibility that Abdirak is a model Loviatan, simply following dogma to the letter of the law. Does Abdirak believe his crueller tendencies should be reserved for those who would do harm against him rather than run-of-the-mill penitents? The Loviatan teachings do note striking against "those who offend." [1] This still does not account for the fact that healing through pain is not mentioned in any part of Loviatan dogma I have found. While it does state that they can share their gifts to "those who enjoy them" [1], there is no mention of the health and well-being benefits of the process for the receiver. This appears to be a belief that Abdirak himself has adopted - could this be due to his own experiences? The developer notes imply that the Loviatan practices helped Abdirak deal with his own trauma: "Player has asked how he knew something terrible had happened them. Abdirak sadly replies. He is think [sic] of his own traumatic past, which ultimately led him to turn to Loviatar as a way coping with the trauma." [2] Loviatan dogma states that pain brings pleasure and power, but makes no mention of healing or mental well-being. It is presented as a traditionally evil form of worship, one that centres around hedonistic desires and the pursuit of power [1]. As such, this particularly theory feels very difficult to marry with the existing lore.

A final explanation could be based upon Loviatar's own interpretation of Abdirak's actions. Reference texts tell us that "Her understanding of humanity, for example, relied on the fundamental assumption that they were innately selfish. Truly heroic or self-sacrificing behaviour could untangle her carefully woven plots." [1] Could this suggest that she tolerates Abdirak's methods because she simply does not understand them? Abdirak is a loyal and enthusiastic follower and, as discussed above, perhaps that is enough. Could Loviatar be unable to comprehend that Abdirak's methods are anything other than selfish, that his talk of healing is not simply lies? It's certainly a fun thought that such a large misinterpretation could occur between a god and their follower, especially one that appears to hold a well regarded position within the church.

Notes on Abdirak's Character

"Pain is pain, dear one. It is above 'good' and 'evil'." [2]

These are words spoken by Abdirak, and they are accompanied by the following notes in the game files: "Player has told him that his goddess is evil and that he wants to [sic, presumably should be 'no'] part in this practice. His [Abdirak's] argument about pain is sincere, he sees it as neither good nor evil, simply as proof that we are alive - and that is worth worshipping and experiencing." [2]

Alignment is an important concept within the realms of D&D. While the game rules have moved away from such previously rigid structures, its influence remains thickly throughout the world of Toril.

As previously discussed, Loviatar is an evil god. Traditionally, Loviatan priests could only be one of the three evil alignments, with Pains further limited to Lawful Evil. [1] Evil alignments, particularly Lawful and Neutral, are characterised by a selfishness that comes at the cost of others [5], which does not seem to align (ha) with what we know of Abdirak so far.

That is not to say that the case for either of these alignments could not be made—they certainly could, especially with how little of Abdirak we see. However, the sincerity and care shown by Abdirak lack the selfishness that one would expect to undertone an evil character, as evidenced by the developer notes that go with his dialogue.

Could Abdirak be more easily ascribed to a Lawful Neutral alignment? While it would certainly be a stretch for a follower of Loviatar to be Lawful Good in character, Abdirak displays a certain amount of selflessness and desire to aid others. A Neutral alignment would support his beliefs about pain and allow him the freedom to practice his faith (in his own special way) while still maintaining that streak of altruism he seems to bear.

Could Abdirak represent an evolution of Loviatar worshippers? Rigid class restrictions have changed over the years - after all, there was a time when druids were limited to True Neutral only [6]. Or is Abdirak simply a law unto himself, a complete outlier in the ranks of the church?

Another interesting point of Abdirak's character is his belief that pain is intimate and loving. As stated in the sourcebook:"Loviatar teaches that the world is filled with pain and torment, and the best that one can do is to suffer the blows that cannot be avoided and deal as much pain back to those who offend." [1] This seems to contradict Abdirak's belief that pain is a gift and should be applied with love and care, an act of healing the mind with pain to the body. This opens two possibilities. That Abdirak is simply lying to the player when he says that pain is only loving. The developer notes say that Abdirak is sincere in his desire to help the player character and in his belief that his methods are beneficial, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he reserves that care for everyone. While this might bring into question why he refuses to torture Liam or push the goblins beyond their limits, it could be attributed to a personal code of who he deems worthy of uncaring hurt. That quote could be interpreted as saying that the usual care and consideration should not be applied to those who attempt to harm the priest themselves. This could point to an explanation for Abdirak's behaviours and beliefs, and hint at a far more dangerous side to Abdirak that we do not get the chance to see in game.

Even with the developer notes and the lorebook sources, Abdirak's character requires close inspection and dissection, and still there is no clear truth to his overall life philosophy, leaving the door open of a myriad of fan interpretations and characterisations, and giving Abdirak fans a wealth of opportunity to explore.

Conclusions

Abdirak's contradictions and the way he subverts expectations based upon his faith make him an incredibly intriguing character, in a way he would not have been if he had been written as a classic Loviatan. The subtle and clever writing paired with an outstanding acting performance elevate this five minute character from a single scene of laughs and titillation to an enigma with the potential to stay in the player's thoughts far longer than he has any right to.

As anyone who has known me before this long and convoluted (and absolutely not exhaustive) ramble will be aware, Abdirak has captivated me since I first encountered him. Now this isn't to say that I don't love a sexy villain, because that would be a lie, but without these layers within Abdirak—the subversion of expectations that come with him as a Loviatan—he would not be as compelling, and certainly would not have grabbed my imagination in the way that he has done. The twist that Abdirak, this creepy and unsettling devout of pain itself, is one of only two characters in the whole of Act 1 to help the player character without want of anything in return, who does so only out of their desire to aid another, not only turns perceptions of him on their head but also of the other NPCs within the act.

With this apparent mismatch of Abdirak's motives with known Loviatan scripture, what could have been a one-note gimmick character becomes something far deeper and interesting to those who know the lore behind the deity. A subtle nod to those aware of the world they are playing in and something that has made the character absolutely captivating to me.

And on that note, I leave you with my favourite dev note of them all:

Abdirak: Yes - I must try this technique. Or perhaps this one… Hand on chin, considering the book before him. Pain Priest is reading his open book. He is reading a book on pain and torture techniques, musing out loud which to try, like someone reading a book on cupcake recipes and wondering whether to try buttercream or sugar icing next. [2]

References

(1) Julia Martin, Eric L. Boyd (March 1996). Faiths & Avatars. (TSR, Inc.), pp. 100–105. ISBN 978-0786903849.

(2) Baldur's Gate 3. Directed by Sven Vincke, Larian Studios, 2023. Multiplatform game. (Links to extracted dialogue and development notes can be accessed here: https://www.tumblr.com/roksik-dnd/732776567631183872?source=share)

(3) Quirke, R [@quirkiltons]. (2023, Dec 7). Oh, absolutely! Yes, Abdirak is into pain, but he's incredibly sincere about it. He'll stop if you're hurt badly and only resume once you've healed up. The scripter and I wanted to reward people who tried it, not punish them (that's Abdirak's job 😜) [Tweet]. Twitter. https://twitter.com/quirkiltons/status/1732734892981600479

(4) Streamily. (2024, Jun 27). Streamily.com Presents: Declan Perring THE Abdirak [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/live/TsIxFkLQp9Y.

(5) Jeremy Crawford (August 2014). Player’s Handbook. (Wizards of the Coast), pp. 122. ISBN 978-0-7869-6560-1.

(6) Ed Stark (August 2000). Player's Handbook 3rd edition. (Wizards of the Coast). ISBN 9780786915507.

End notes

As I could write endlessly about Abdirak, I wanted to keep this as concise and on topic as possible, focusing purely on how Abdirak relates to the overarching Loviatan church. This might be a one off or the first of a few essays exploring Abdirak's character and the Loviatan faith in general. It depends on when inspiration to actually write the damn things strikes, and whether or not people are even interested in these sorts of posts haha.

Anyway, if you read all the way to the end of my enthusiastic rambles, thank you <3 If you have any of your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, disagreements, etc, I would LOVE to hear them because I love talking about this weirdo.

[aramblingjay]

The weave of your hands (part 3/6)

Tags: Aragorn/Legolas, friends to lovers, canon era, braiding Words: 7.2K (so far)

Written for @aralas-week Day 3: Between Anduin and Rohan

“I see Hope, for he stands before me. And as long as he stands, there is no room in my heart for despair.” Aragorn had thought the time of words past, thought himself beyond the reach of them, but he was not beyond this. “Come, Estel. Come, Aragorn. Braided by your hand, I shall be with you until the end, whether it may come on this day or any day hence.” Or: 5 times aragorn does legolas’s braids + 1 time it’s the other way around

previous parts

-

III. Rohan

There was no time.

In the beginning of their journey, it had seemed as though every day stretched for as long as an age, the slow trudge through the mountains, the endless darkness of Moria. Even their brief rest in Lórien had stretched long and languid in the ethereal aura of the forest. At each turn, there had been moments of quiet and rest, time allowed to camp and replenish reserves.

But every moment since leaving the forest seemed to pass like the hoofbeats of a galloping horse, relentless and steady and uncomfortably swift, no time to parse one apart from the other.

Boromir fell.

The hobbits, whose welfare they had been charged with protecting above all else, were lost.

They ran across the plains of Rohan, Legolas and himself and Gimli, on and on and on in pursuit of their friends, no thought of rest in their minds, stopping only when they were stopped by Éomer.

Even then—there was despair, then joy, then despair again, and then the most profound of joys deep in the heart of Fangorn at the return of Gandalf—but still no time, to pause or reflect or linger for longer than the space of a single breath in the embrace of any moment before they were urged once again onwards.

This time to Rohan, to set right an ailing King. And then, still before he truly had the chance to catch his breath, they rode toward Helm’s Deep and straight into a warg attack.

Aragorn might have collapsed at the first sight of the beasts if he had not been bolstered by his companions—Gimli, who he had come to understand and love simply by the resolve with which the Dwarf had run across the plains for Merry and Pippin, despite being entirely unsuited to the endeavor. Gandalf, who had disappeared with words of hope, and whose continued presence on Arda had itself bolstered his waning strength. And Legolas, always Legolas, the first to follow his pledge at the Council, the first to defer to his lead at the banks of the Anduin, the first to notice when he was flagging and offer an encouraging nod.

He watched Legolas perhaps as closely as Legolas appeared to watch him—it was easy enough to track that golden hair no matter how far in front of the group Legolas went to scout, Ranger’s eyes or no. As such, he did not miss when Legolas lingered on the approaching hillcrest, still and wary, just before the attack. If something was amiss, none would likely notice it before Legolas, sharp-eyed and elven-eared and intensely aware of the nature around them.

Once the attack began, it was the sight of Legolas up ahead, standing down the oncoming wargs as though he would fight them all on his own if need be, that spurred Aragorn onto his horse and lent him the energy to join the fray in earnest. There had been no time to rest thus far, but there was certainly no time for it now.

They were all separated in the battle, but his awareness never strayed far from his friends—the tracker in him was always attuned to where Legolas was, but he was newly aware of Gimli as well, having spent days running just a few paces in front of him. It felt good coming to Gimli’s aid in the skirmish, etching deeper the bond that had grown between them.

And then, all too soon, he was caught on a warg and falling.

Legolas will be the first to notice my absence, he thought wildly as the ground approached rapidly closer, and then he knew no more until his dear horse and even dearer sister conspired to breathe awareness back into his limbs.

Once atop his horse, he rode to Helm’s Deep like a man possessed, for still there was no time to take a breath—the Orcs were coming in numbers greater and more terrible than anything they had dared to imagine, and Théoden King had to be warned. The journey was hard on his aching limbs, but he did not let up until the stronghold soared into view. No time, no time.

When Gimli welcomed him back with a vigor that suggested he had truly thought Aragorn dead, he had only a moment to wonder—did Legolas—had Legolas thought—before he walked straight into the friend in question.

They had but fleeting minutes to reunite, though he saw the darkness in Legolas’s eyes that suggested he had, indeed, thought Aragorn dead. And if his fingers lingered over Legolas’s as they exchanged the Evenstar, if he basked in the feel of those archer’s callouses on his skin for every fraction of a second he was allowed, he was certain not even Éowyn’s watchful eyes had noticed. The rest of his fleeting seconds he would relinquish, and had; this one he kept for himself.

Then it was a blur of motion once again; there were defenses to prep, men to outfit, swords to be distributed, plans to be drawn, and above all else hope to be ignited—Legolas himself commented on how drained he seemed, and Legolas was right, of course he was, but if Aragorn admitted his exhaustion he thought he might keel over and simply collapse.

So he continued on. He fought with Legolas, who seemed already to court with despair, for the first time in years. He gave what words of inspiration he could to Haleth, son of Háma, though Aragorn could not say what hope he held himself—not for Haleth’s survival, nor for his own. In barely any time, tens of thousands of Orcs would be at their gates. No amount of preparation would be enough, but he did all he could.

Hours and hours after he’d been dragged from the clutches of certain death, he finally found himself in the relative privacy of the armory, knowing there was nothing left to be done but wait for the battle to begin. For what seemed to be the first time since the fellowship had set out from Lórien, there was time enough to take a breath.

He took several, lingering over the familiar steps of pulling on his mail, lacing his jerkin, tightening the straps of his vambraces—Boromir’s braces—until he reached for his sword, and a stirring in the air drew his attention. Only one person could come this close to him without drawing notice.

Aragorn turned, already expecting the fair face that greeted him.

Legolas’s apology was unnecessary, but appreciated all the same. They clasped shoulders, the oldest gesture of familiarity they shared, and it was then that Aragorn noticed only one of Legolas’s side braids was neatly in place. While Legolas did not speak the words, the very crook of his head to expose his unbraided temple was a clear offering.

He wanted to. That much should have been clear from how he had asked for this very favor in Lórien, not only asked but begged that Legolas teach him. Still, the air felt strange between them. They had not fought in years, and he regretted that they’d done so for the first time in Elvish—necessary, due to the audience they’d had, but it had always been a language of joy between them, not a tool to cause hurt. If it was pity or remorse behind Legolas’s offering—

“If this is because you feel a need to further apologize—”

“Aragorn.” Legolas was quiet, solemn.

They did not need to say the words for this either, to know it was more than likely neither of them would live to see the sun rise. That he might live, but lose Legolas to the Orcs, was a possibility he feared down to the marrow of his bones but refused to contemplate.

“Very well.”

Legolas did not move, merely watched him steadily with those piercing eyes, and Aragorn once again had the strange sensation of being laid bare.

“I am so tired, Lassë,” he confessed in Elvish, unable to keep back any longer the thought that had been his constant companion for days. And certainly not when faced with that expression. The weariness was in his very bones, an ache too deep to dig out, and while he would fight with every last ounce of strength he had to protect the people of Rohan, he was no longer sure how much strength truly remained. “So much loss already, and even more to come. I counsel hope, but I know not if I have any left.”

If Legolas thought it hypocritical for Aragorn to confess such a thing just hours after they had argued over the very issue of despairing, he said nothing of it. Indeed he said nothing at all.

Instead, Legolas sank in one fluid motion to his knees.

Time stopped.

Aragorn’s breath caught in his throat, spellbound. He didn’t—he wasn’t—what in the name of—

Legolas began to speak. “I see Hope, for he stands before me. And as long as he stands, there is no room in my heart for despair.” Aragorn had thought the time of words past, thought himself beyond the reach of them, but he was not beyond this. “Come, Estel. Come, Aragorn. Braided by your hand, I shall be with you until the end, whether it may come on this day or any day hence.”

Aragorn could not explain the feeling in his body. There was no word to describe it in any tongue he could speak. Joy was too simple, grief too heavy, supplication too divine to explain something that felt so very grounded, a vow bound up in the everlasting truth of dirt and root and tree. He was still so very tired, and hope seemed so far away, but he felt a profound sense of sureness, as though he had no greater purpose than to fight this night beside his friends. And stand with his dearest friend of all, who had known him by every name, who had seen unfailingly past each one to the core of him, who had pledged something so valuable as the immortal life of an Elf to service at his side.

Unable to speak, Aragorn could only act.

He walked as if in a trance to stand behind Legolas and brought his hands to the unbraided side of his head. With Legolas kneeling, the angle was surprisingly comfortable to fashion the thin braid Legolas himself had taught him in Lórien, one he had practiced so many times that night he could likely weave it in his sleep.

Indeed, it felt as though he was, for still his mind traced over the words—braided by your hand, I shall be with you until the end—unable to let them go, unable to accept the magnitude of them, unable to fully face their implications.

If they both survived—if, if—there was so much to be said between them, if that moment came.

In this moment, he simply braided. The repetitive motion calmed some of the maelstrom in his mind.

When he was nearly finished, Legolas suddenly tensed. He thought at first that he had forgotten himself and pulled too hard or otherwise ruined the braid, but a quick glance over his handiwork suggested otherwise.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Gimli approaches,” Legolas said, neutral. He did not make to rise from his knees, and Aragorn understood the decision to be in his own hands.

To continue, or to stop? This moment felt private in a way that even their previous ones had not, but the Dwarf had become a fierce friend and companion to them both. Besides, if even he did not fully understand the significance of what they were doing, only knew that it was significant in some way, more than likely Gimli would not either.

And he did not wish to hide, as though they were doing something wrong.

Aragorn continued braiding. Legolas did not move.

A few moments later, Gimli appeared in the entranceway, so comically drowning in his mail that Aragorn felt his spirits briefly lift and a genuine smile curl at his lips for the first time in far too long.

Gimli said nothing as Aragorn secured the braid the way Legolas had shown him and stepped back. Legolas rose to his feet. Still the Dwarf did not speak.

Aragorn glanced between them and realized he and Legolas appeared to be locked in a battle of wills, holding a conversation with their eyes alone that Aragorn could not parse. It seemed Legolas eventually won, for Gimli looked away first and lightened the mood with a quip about his ill-fitting mail.

That sureness settled ever firmer in Aragorn’s chest. Whatever occurred this night, he felt certain this was exactly where destiny had designed for him to be.

From nowhere, a horn blew in the distance. Legolas’s eyes met his, and understanding came to them both at the same time.

Hope kindled.

[beaft]

First of all fuck everyone who tells you, you just need to open your eyes to the beauty around you. These are the kind of people who have no idea what you are going through and you should acknowledge and understand that. They may mean no harm but it's an ignorant thing to say. It's up to you if you think it's worthwhile to educate them.

The first time I was very depressed was when I was 16. I loved to be outdoors, loved nature, loved to bike, to run, ride my horse. And then I didn't. The most devastating thing was that once i managed to go outside, I didn't even feel the sun's warmth anymore. I was constantly feeling cold.

That's what depression does. You won't find joy in your daily rituals, hobbys or any mundane every day things anymore.

I don't know where you are on your journey but my internal reaction to every little failure or just unnecessary deadlines or expectations I put on myself was to just go and kill myself or I hate myself.

I saw a post on here ages ago that said, you should switch hate with love whenever you're having these kinda thoughts. So whenever you think, I hate myself, go and correct yourself and tell yourself I love myself. It took me such a long time to adapt to this but I can tell you it's worth it and it did wonders to my mental health.

I'm at a point that I repeated this so much that whenever I feel bad about myself for nothing/I'm just overreacting I instantly think that I love myself. It may seem like such a small thing but it really helped me to not fall any deeper into depression. The way you talk to and about yourself matters.

Are you on medication/in therapy or is there any way you could work towards these things?

Take care and remember:

This hole is not your grave.

the trouble is, some of the people saying this shit do know what i'm going through. if it was just kale-eating, motivational-video-watching yoga mums telling me this stuff, i wouldn't care. but often it's other people who have had similar mental health struggles informing me that i should go outside and look at birds more often, because that's what helped them, and it's like:

being told "you should do this thing because it cured me" is frankly a really backhanded remark, because chances are i've tried it and it didn't do anything, which just makes me feel like even more of a hopeless case. positive self-talk is something i am trying to get better at. i am also going to try meditation, although we'll have to see how my ADHD feels about that.

i was in therapy last year, but i quit because my therapist was a complete hack (i've had enough therapists to know when they're helping, and this person was - i say this charitably - beyond useless). i'm on meds that allow me to function but don't really help my mood. on the surface, i am certainly better than i used to be; i no longer self-harm, i eat normally, i can hold down a job. every time my brain shoots me a "you're unlovable" or "you should kill yourself" i hit it with a hammer like i'm playing whack-a-mole. but some days it feels like i'm just going through the motions of improving, play-acting a mentally healthy person. i might look like i'm doing all right, but the lion in my living room is here to stay.

thank you for your words.

[ladyofwiltshire]

When Will I See You Again - Chapter 12 now posted!!!!

Chapter 12: I mean c’mon! Midnight trysts in the prefects' bathroom?

“So-” Gareth started, as they made their way up the tower. “When did Sirius decide to get a perm?”

Gil snorted, “You’re a right arse, you know that?” He stopped on the step above Gareth, blocking his way. “His hair is naturally like that, he just suffocates it in sleekeazy’s. It’s a bit wild actually, like some sort of creature-”

“You’re not falling in love with him, are you?” Gareth asked, leaning against the wall.

“No! No, definitely not! He just- he needs a friend right now, one that knows about the way he’s feeling…and fine, I’ve not been completely where he is. In fact, his father makes mine look like bloody Mother Teresa! But, I know what it’s like to be the black sheep in the family.” Gil looked troubled, like he wanted to either burst out into every detail of what happened to the boy -or tears.

“And what exactly happened to him?” Gareth began to pick at the old stone wall.

“All I will say is that his family know about his preferences, he’s broken the engagement with Cissa, and he was up most of the night with tremors-” Gareth watched Gil blink back a few tears.

“Tremors?” Gareth pushed.

“Gareth, please don’t make me say any more -” Gil pleaded.

“Like the sort you would get if-” Gareth didn’t get a chance to finish his question, as Gilderoy turned his back on him and carried on up the stairs.

Gareth followed him up, lighting a fresh cigarette as he entered his room, he saw Sirius sitting up in the bed, batting away the sweet treats Gil was trying to force feed him.  

“Something sweet will help you feel better, you know.” Said Gareth, making his way over to the pair. Sirius’s face paled, but he took a cauldron cake from the plate and began to pick at it. “You should go back to your dorm, Sir. All the lads are worried about you, said they haven’t heard from you in ages. Ray told me what happened in Defence the other day.” Gareth took a seat on the bed next Sirius, handing him a cigarette.

“I can’t. James hates me, and I don’t think Moo- Remus is my biggest fan right now.” Sirius said, taking a drag from the stick and closing his eyes as he blew out swirls of smoke.

“No one hates you, James certainly doesn’t. He’s only being his usual righteous self over what happened with my brother.” Gareth fiddled with the cigarette between his fingers, mulling over whether he should ask the question that has been playing on his own mind the past few weeks. “Why did you do it? Telling the Snape boy how to get past the willow, what happened?”

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, dear.” Gil cut in.

“I’m not going to judge you Sirius, I just want to know what happened.” Gareth put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Sirius looked between the two lads and took a deeper drag.

“He’s been stalking Remus - Snape that is- has been staking Remus. I caught him. He would hide in the corridors, follow him all over the castle. I was scared for my friend. Reg told me that Snape had suspicions over Remus’s condition, that he was trying to get proof. To out him.” Sirius’s hand trembled as he brought the cigarette to his lips. “I caught him, waiting for Remus in the changing rooms for the prefect’s bathroom. James gave us the password and I told him to go down the week before the moon, to see if it helped the aches he gets. I waited for him in the changing room, I felt uneasy about leaving Remus alone. Then, as I sat there I saw him. Snape. Sat disillusioned in the corner, watching Remus get dressed. Obviously he saw all the scars, but what really bothered me was that Remus had no idea of what was going on in the shadows. He violated him Gareth! And I wasn’t going to stand for it!”

Gareth glared at wall, clenching his fists until he could feel his nails dig into his palms, as Sirius continued on. 

“One afternoon, just before the moon, Reg found me and told me that Snape was brewing polyjuice. For Remus. He would have proof then, undeniable proof. I couldn’t let him get away with it, Gareth. I wasn’t going to have him hurt my - hurt my friend.” Sirius finished the cigarette and vanished it in his palm.

“So you thought you’d use Ray to teach the boy a lesson?” Gareth asked, he tried to hard to keep his voice even, still staring ahead of him.

“No, of course not! I didn’t even think he would take it seriously, we were arguing you see. I confronted him, called him a slimy pervert, asked him why he was so obsessed with Remus. He then went on about catching me and Remus by the lake a little while ago, and how he saw us go the willow one night and not leave again til the next morning. He was trying to rile me up, threatened to tell Cissa about my affair with a werewolf.”

“Are you?” Gil finally piped up, “You and Ray, have the pair of you finally-”