#but both of those psychologists want me on their sessions for different reasons

[jackleopard]

Have two sessions at the same time today, everyone wish me luck (or someone clone me)

[idabbleincrazy]

Bad Ideas Have Consequences

Fandom: Bones

Rating: M

Pairing: Sweetooth

Word Count: 1300

Warnings: episode fic, kissing, heavy petting, brief discussion of sexuality, some angst

Summary: set during episode 8x02, after the gun range scene but before Bones talks to Sweets. A follow up to Bad Idea.

A/N: hopefully this'll help unblock the muse for the main fic. @leatafandom have some more of this mess 😅

Squares Filled: Makeout session (@mfbingo )

Lance opened the door on the second urgent knock, stepping back to let Booth in, surprised to see the man at his apartment so soon after Dr. Brennan's return. 

"Booth, are you alright?"

"No, you know what, Sweets, I'm not alright." Booth turned to face the young psychologist as they stood in the center of the small living room. "It wasn't just Bones making breakfast, and losing those three months with her and Christine, that has been pushing a wedge between me and her, and making me so damn angry. It's us, too. It's that night, and that kiss, and these feelings that just won't stop, won't let things be the way they were before."

Booth slumped down on the couch and Sweets carefully sat down beside him, eyeing him warily. 

"It's been two months since that night, and you haven't wanted to talk about it in all this time. Do you want to, now? Can you confront what happened between us?"

"I-I don't know. I've already gone through the whole panic thing, y'know? Years ago. It's still hard for me to accept that this is what I am, that these feelings are a part of me and it doesn't make me a bad person. I've faced that. This is…this is different. This isn't just me liking a guy, this is me having deep feelings for someone else when I'm already in a relationship with someone I love, and not wanting to have to choose."

"Oh-kay, so that's a yes on the confrontation. Booth, you need to tell her this. Yes, Dr. Brennan ran off with your daughter, and left you in the dark for three months, but it was for justifiable reasons, and she deserves to know what happened. Especially if you aren't in an open relationship. If you don't, you're just going to keep being angry with yourself over it, and in turn, with Dr. Brennan."

"I know, I know, and I want to tell her, I just don't know how. And I don't know where it goes from there. I can't just push those feelings for you back down into that box I'd locked them up in before. God, I just want to be selfish for once, you know? I want you, and her, and I want there to be an us. I don't want to have to choose again." 

"Would it help you if I explained it all to her?"

"No, no, it's gotta come from me. I owe her that."

"Okay, well, do you want me to at least be there with you when you tell her? Help…guide the conversation?" Sweets felt a compelling urge to take Booth's hand in his, wanting to comfort the older agent, but was unsure how welcome the gesture would be. "Look, Booth, I know you're worried about how Dr. Brennan will react, but I don't think there'll be a problem. You know she's always been open to the idea of polyamory, both in her own sexual practices and in her study of anthropology." 

"I know. And that's part of the problem. I gave her such hell for that, when she was seeing two guys at the same time, and we were just partners then. How's that gonna look now that we're a family? We share a daughter, we live together. This is so much more than someone just playing the field."

"She loves you, Booth. She'll understand."

"How? I barely understand it myself. It took years for me to accept this part of myself, and even then, I still fought to keep my feelings pushed down." Booth shifted to face Sweets, a look of pained longing in his eyes. "I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't wait any longer…"

Before Sweets could question him, Booth leaned forward and pressed his lips to the unsuspecting psychologist's, his hand coming up to cup the side of his face as he pushed him back against the couch cushions. Blinking away his surprise, Sweets responded to the kiss, letting his eyes flutter shut. His lips parted to Booth's tongue as it traced tentatively along the bottom lip, seeking entrance. 

Sweets raised his arms to encircle the broad expanse of Booth's back, fingers clutching at his suit jacket as the kiss deepened. Despite all the conflicting, confusing thoughts and emotions swirling around inside his head and in his heart, he eagerly welcomed the tongue that slid over his own. In the two months since that first kiss, Sweets had kept ruminating on how it had felt to finally have Booth's mouth on his. For years he had repressed feelings for the older man, knowing he and Dr. Brennan were meant for each other, and heavily doubting Booth would ever feel attraction towards another man, let alone for that attraction to supersede his obvious love for the forensic anthropologist. He had felt no small amount of guilt about enjoying the kiss so much, but had reveled in it nevertheless. 

This second kiss was wholly different, and he regretted that their first had been tinged with the bitter taste of whiskey and sadness. This one was unadulterated by the pain of abandonment, purely driven by longing and need, and it was glorious. His first true taste of Seeley Booth. Booth's free hand wound around his waist and pulled him closer, their chests pressed together as the kiss continued on. Sweets let out a soft moan of arousal, the sound smothered by Booth's eager tongue as it explored his mouth. 

Thrusting his hips up, he felt a hardness matching his own growing erection pressing into his thigh. The knowledge that the older agent was just as affected by their making out as he was pulled a deep groan from his lips. He broke the kiss, slightly breathless, and let his head loll against the back of the couch as he relished the feeling of Booth's body pressed against his. Another groan sounded from his throat as Booth trailed a line of kisses along his jaw and down the column of his neck.

"Oh, God, Booth…we shouldn't…fuck, we can't do this. Not now."

"I know…," Booth grunted out between nips to the skin along the curve of his shoulder, his hand pulling Sweets' collar aside to bare undiscovered flesh. "Just…want you, Sweets…wanted you for so long. Feels right."

"It-it does, but, ahh, it shouldn't be like this. Brennan…she needs to know, needs to be okay with us, be included. It's not fair to her." 

Booth smothered a defeated groan against Sweets' collarbone before pulling away.

"No, I know, you're right. Look, I'm sorry for getting carried away like that."

Sweets slid to the side, putting some much needed space between them and adjusting himself. It was taking all his strength not to pull Booth back to him and finish what they started, damn the consequences. 

"Don't be, it wasn't unwelcomed, just…ill-timed. We both have others we need to consider before we just go jumping into things. I need to reevaluate things with Daisy, you have to tell Dr. B how you feel. Until then, whatever this is between us, can't go any further than it already has."

"I'll talk to her when she gets home tonight." Booth stood up from the couch, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. "Thanks for this, though, and for not being too heavy with the psychobabble. I just…I've wanted to kiss you again since I walked out of your bedroom that morning, and I needed to get that out of my system."

Sweets stared up at him with an understanding grin.

"Go home, Booth. Tell her. And when the two of you are ready, just give me a call."

He watched as Booth walked out the door, wondering how long it would be until that call was made.

[englandsgirl18181234]

Maddie, I think gets recruited for the chemistry side of the scientists the Justice League employ. She just gives me those vibes. Or if not chemistry, than some type of security position since there's no way Batman would allow their security staff to be made up entirely of metas and she's like a 9th level black belt.

This got very long very fast so I'm going to try to put the rest of it under a read more. Sorry in advance if it doesn't work, I'm on mobile.

Jack is definitely in mechanical engineering or physics I think. I've just always had the head canon that Jack was the one who made most of the tech they used that wasn't like, a legit gun or the portal itself.

Jazz is definitely in the psychology department even if she's not cleared to act as a full psychologist with her own clients yet. She'll get there really quick, but she basically needs to do an internship and a shadowing first before she'll be trusted enough to start.

Dan is absolutely in security. Like, the only other place I can think of for him that isn't as a hero would be a weird kind of trainer position? Basically figuring out where newly recruited heroes are in terms of power and abilities compared to other members so they can be used effectively in case of an all hands on deck situation?

Ellie is in either genetics or taken on as a pilot. The genetics make sense because she's a clone and probably studied it at some point just to learn more about herself and how Vlad made her. And I like the pilot idea because I think she really likes to stay moving. I know it's kind of cliche at this point because it's so commonly used, but I really like it.

Danny I have a lot of ideas for. I know the prompt said no heroes, but I don't really think Danny could help himself. At the very least he'd help out in an emergency.

But other than that he's either;

The head of the engineering department

Part of the astronomy department

Part of the astrobiology department, which is the study of life in space instead of space as a whole

Part of the linguistics department

Or part of the forensic science department

I feel most of these make sense for his character? At least as far engineering, astronomy, and astrobiology go.

My reasons for linguistics and forensic science probably aren't as obvious so I'll explain them

Linguistics is honestly just a dear head canon of mine that I got bit by while reading Mortified by marsalias early into my return to the fandom. I really like Danny being just as smart as the rest of his family, just in different things that don't necessarily translate super well into traditional schooling.

And forensic science is mostly because he's a ghost if I'm being honest. I know it's not entirely about solving deadly crimes, and especially not when employed by the Justice League, but I feel like he originally went into it because he wanted to be able to help solve violent crimes and give people closure. Both for the living and the dead, even if the dead in question didn't come back as a ghost.

As for how they all find out, I can see it going one of two ways.

Either there's some kind of an attack and they all run into each other during the chaos and don't realize until after everything dies down because they all have their own things they have to be doing. Or it's just straight up a comedy of errors.

Like, there's some kind of meeting or debrief they all need to go to for various reasons and Ellie ends up being the pilot that's sent to get them since I doubt the zeta tubes are used very often for transport by anyone but the heroes or getting to the watchtower.

Or Jazz's first solo is one of the others because they got caught up in an attack on the Justice League and needed at least one session documented before being allowed to go back to work.

Or they even just all have to go to various places for different reasons and smack into each other in the hallway because they weren't paying attention and it just gets more and more ridiculous as each one of them shows up.

Just anything that fits the kind of Fenton bullshit they always get up to.

After dealing with the world ending and learning ghosts are not what the adult Fenton where they get newish jobs. Cannot hunt ghosts if they are somewhat good.

Takes them a while to get jobs but they do. Not end up working for the JSA. Not that they can tell their children this. Nor can they tell their husband/wife.

When the JSA decommissions the JLA snap some of the people up. The Fenton being among the.

Years later both Jazz, Dan,Danny and Dani/Ellie get jobs with the JLA. Only they cannot tell their family to.

Now everyone in the Fenton Family works for some departments in the JLA. They keep missing each other at work. Now of them are heroes.

Now more than one person add what departments the Fentons work in. And how they find out they work for the same people.

Only rule no summon of ghost king

[kookieswan]

Red Light - Graphic Canvases

Nightmare!Hoseok x Psychologist!Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Genre: Horror AU, Monster AU, Psychological horror, some fluff, perhaps a touch of angst.

Warnings: Talk of bodily harm/gore, using blood for paint (Blame Yoongi), etc. It should be noted that this story will contain themes of horror/psychological horror and also explore obsessive behaviors and codependency. Many characters are morally gray. Please be warned!

Summary: It’s time to try something new, and you can only hope it’ll pay off considering how far you’re sticking your neck out.

Notes: More interaction between characters! This will have a part 2 for sure, I hope you all enjoy 🤭

This is the 25th part of the Red Light series. Find the Masterlist here ♥️

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“So… Welcome to group therapy.”

Perhaps not a full group, but the idea stands. Two nightmare sit directly in front of you, two very different expressions on their faces. Seokjin looks pleasant, pink lips slightly upturned in a small smile as he looks back at you. Yoongi, however, looks like he’s about to bolt, eyes scrunched in disgust as he stares toward the door longingly. You can’t blame him, group activities don’t seem to be his forté.

“I’ve decided to take this route for a number of reasons. First off, I believe you’re all much too isolated in your cells, even if there is the ability to talk to one another. Second, I think it would be good to talk out anything you wish to speak of with not just myself, but others.Well likely do this once or twice a week, similar to our other sessions.” Seokjin nods his head in understanding, still complacent, while Yoongi attempts to ruin it. He kisses his teeth, finally turning to gaze at you with those striking silver eyes. You just blink back passively, ready for whatever outburst he’s about to have.

“You’re going to make me talk out my feelings with bubblegum boy? That’s just mean doctor, cruel even!” He jingles the chains wrapped around his wrists and ankles, a precautionary measure although a very sad one. Both men have them on, but you know it’s just a pretense at this point; they could get out if they really wanted to. Hoseok proved that not too long ago. Shaking your head slightly, you tap your pen aimlessly on your notes.

“No Yoongi, I won’t make you do anything you don’t wish to. It’s completely up to you to pick and choose what you discuss. It could be anything really, I just want to hear about you. Also…” Looking back and forth between them, you’re not really sure how to bring it up. It doesn’t seem to be a taboo topic per se but you don’t want to ruffle any feathers either…

“I’m not sure how to go about saying this without sounding presumptuous, but please feel free to shift here. I won’t discipline or judge you for making changes to your appearance if it makes you more comfortable.” Glancing at Yoongi quickly, he doesn’t seem to change anything outwardly. But slowly, you watch as Seokjin’s hair changes from black to pink without a word. It makes you ease up a little as his smile turns into a satisfied grin.

“Doctor, if I may… How hard was it to convince them to allow this? I can’t remember the last time any of us were in the same space together with a wall in between, much less with a doctor in our reach.” The last week or so has been… Interesting, to say the least. Dr. Kim has decided to take a somewhat permanent residence on Floor 13 and you can safety say you’re very happy about it. As for the lack of walls and space, that’s all you. If they kill you now, you can only blame yourself for the misjudgment.

“Not as hard as you’d think. There’s been a bit of shift in hierarchy lately that’s worked in my favor. And yes, I’m speaking bluntly with you because word travels quickly down here and it would be foolish of me to pretend otherwise.” Both Nightmares glance at each other as if they’re communicating, but otherwise stay silent at the revelation. They may not know that you know about Hoseok’s abilities, but nonetheless… You hope that it’s good silence, because really, you think it’s going to work in their favor.

“Now, is there anything either of you would like to talk about? If not, I can always get things rolling with some general questions about how you’ve been.” It’s quiet for a bit as you all stare at each others, faces nearly blank until Yoongi all but screeches like a demon from hell. Turning to him with pursed lips, your raise a curious brow to give him the floor… Which turns out to be a terrible mistake.

“Word in the halls is that you sucked face with Hoseok after he ripped that nasty fuckers heart out. Saucy behavior from such a prim doctor, though not really surprising; I’d be swept off my feet too… Don’t give me that look! Pinky here told me.” One blink, then two then many as you try to process Yoongi’s words without malfunctioning. Of course they know; hell, they all probably know when you take your bathroom breaks at this point. Nothing’s a secret down here, not even when you piss.

“… I can neither confirm nor deny these claims.” Yoongi grins salaciously at you, eyes wide with excitement while Seokjin cocks his head to the side, eyes alight with something you aren’t quite sure you like. All these Nightmares are much too cheeky for their own good, which makes it very hard to hide the building embarrassment. You can’t be mad though, not when they’re opening up so much.

“Aw, don’t be shy Doctor! There’s no need to be ashamed of your love. I heard the room was a bloodbath, how romantic.” You’ve never wanted to flick one of them on the forehead more, although the teasing is interesting. You’ll have to take more detailed notes later. Taking a deep breath, you ignore Yoongi’s loud maniacal giggles and Seokjin’s small hum as you clear your throat, pen tapping away yet again. Time to steer things back to where they should be.

“We’re meant to talk about the both of you, not me. Let’s get back on track now.” It goes quiet again, and surprisingly, neither pushes the topic any further. Yoongi raises his hand and waves it around with wide eyes until you call on him, unsure of when you had become a teacher and not a psychologist.

“Jungkookie has the prettiest eyes. They look like a galaxy. I want to paint them on my wall like a mural, although I guess I can’t use Andrews’ blood anymore...” Yoongi huffs, his chains shaking looks away. Seokjin’s usual calm composure finally seems to break, his eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head as he melts into his chair. Clearly, he’s heard the same tune many times before and isn’t excited to hear it again. Nodding complacently, you can’t help but agree, especially since it also allows you to reveal the true fun of today.

“…Yes, okay. I fully agree, Mr. Jeon does have nice eyes. This is actually a good time to mention, I’ve ordered some art supplies for you all, but more specifically for Yoongi. Jungkook should hear shortly with it and we’ll do a little exercise. Seokjin, what about you, anything you need?” The silver Nightmare nearly rips the chains off as he drags himself forward, scooting himself toward you with excited ‘Reallys?!’ falling from his lips.

“Yes really. Perhaps you’ll like acrylics just as much as you enjoy blood. It’s not the same texture, but…” Seokjin seems to ponder for a while, eyes looking far away as Yoongi finally bumps knees with you. It’s odd; you’ve never been this close to a Nightmare save for Hoseok, but it doesn’t feel dangerous. No, it almost feels like being close to an elated friend with the way happiness comes forth from Yoongi’s rapid excitement.

Testing it out, you pat his knee a few times and confirm that yes, today will be a painting session after you finish talking and yes, Jungkook will be here for guard duty since they’ll be unchained. With the way Yoongi looks, you don’t think anything could sour his mood, not even Seokjin interrupting his ramblings.

“Would… Would you ever do a group session with me and Namjoon?” It’s the most timid he’s ever sounded, voice quiet and unsure. Yoongi quiets down and looks between the two of you, then trains his eyes on your face, strangely serious.

“Sure, I don’t see why not. I was actually planning to mix up the groups eventually, I just thought it would be easier to start you off with your roommates. If it’s something you’d really like, I’ll make it happen.” And it’s true; you’ve been planning to mix them up from the start to see how it would go. Seokjin nods hesitantly and drops the subject. You don’t know the extent of Seokjin’s and Namjoon’s relationship, but you know something important lies there. And maybe, just maybe, you picked Jungkook very specifically for today for Yoongi.

There’s a sudden knock on the door, all three of you turning to look at it curiously. Then a few bangs and clangs before Jungkook peaks his head through, hair falling into wide eyes as he gazes in. The man was very excited to hear about getting out of regular guard duty, but you hadn’t told him much of what to expect.

“Knock knock, I have a fuck ton of paint and some canvases…?” Jungkook steps into the room with a cart full of stuff, slowly pushing it in. Yoongi calls out for him, prompting a toothy smile from Jungkook as Seokjin sighs. Their relationship still stumps you a bit, but hopefully today will show you something new. Standing up from your chair, you clap your hands together and step forward to start grabbing supplies.

“Perfect timing. Let’s get started.”

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Tags: @parkdatjimin @sugarflywme @pamzn @mizz-kraziii @hiii-priestess @winkii @noonas-magicshop @xuxibelle @lookhere-2seok

If you wanna be tagged leave a comment or ask! My only rule is that you have your age (18+!) displayed somewhere on your blog! ♥️

[haechanokeh]

[teaser] [ Chapter 1 ] [ Chapter 2 ] [ Chapter 3 ] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9]

pairing: popular college! mark x average! reader

genre: romance, smut, angst, series.

warning (general): corruption, oral sex (both receiving and giving), cream pie, rough sex, mention of religion, rough sex, self-esteem, public sex, sub! reader, sex toys. possessive mark two-faced mark, psychology

you cried your eyes out, face shoved in your pillow and muffling your sobs. you didn't who told you those words, it was mark but he's not the same guy you fell in love with and the guy you said yes with today. your phone was ringing nonstop so you have to turn it off but mark was too eager so he's now in front of your house banging and shouting your name begging you to open the door and talk to him.

what he told you was possible, that they didn't care for you and you have to admit that it stings but his words are not responsible for your vulnerability right now, it was the unknown mark. you didn't like him just because he's kind, it was just one out of the nth god knows the reason why you love him. he made you so special, he was right that he's the only person who cared about you in your class but the unfamiliar mark you saw a couple of hours ago was scary. it gave you goosebumps, you were frightened it's as if anytime he will hurt you.

you heard a hard stomp inside your room and you quickly sat up and surprisingly it was mark inside your room who entered the room through your open window.

"fuck, y/n." he ran into you and pulled you up into his arms. "I'm so sorry, this will never happen again." he whispered and caressed your hair. "i will not let lucas and my friends break us, shhh i am truly sorry. you only need me, so don't worry."

your body froze in shock and your heart beating so fast. he's not sorry.

"what..." you whispered in disbelief, you can't understand why he can't understand that he's wrong as well.

"we're okay now right? let's just forget everything, y/n... hmmm?" he looked at your face and looked into your eyes but he saw nothing but unpleasant. he felt rage rushing in his whole system. "what do you want! i already apologize!" he squeezed your jaw.

you were shaking in fear as his loud voice boomed in your room. his nose was flaring, his eyes were dripped with spite, and his chest where heaving. he's so mad at you and you're scared and confused.

that's when you realize, there's something wrong with him.

"m-mark, you're hurting me." you sobbed. mark snapped out of his senses. he quickly removed his hands from you and embraced you.

"I'm sorry." he sincerely said and kissed your cheeks and shove his face against it. "I'm so sorry, please don't leave me." he kept on apologizing non-stop. his hands were trembling you could feel it as he was clutching your arms.

"mark? mark?" you panicked. "mark? are you okay?" your fear from him vanished and changed into a concern to him. this is not normal.

you tried to get away from his arms but he's not budging, you stopped wriggling when you heard him whimper.

"don't leave me, can't. i really can't, i will lose myself." he begged like he's close to hopelessness. you gently pushed him to look at his face. your heart was stabbed when you saw how vulnerable he looked.

"mark..." you voice broke, you really don't know what to say because this is your first time to see him like this.

this is why mark never pursues someone or something he likes, he became possessive in fear that it will slip away from him, like his friends' admiration and respects towards him, the trust from his parents, and how they look at him as the perfect son, the people's respect on him because of his kindness and intellect, and his high grades- all of these are his goals and obsession but you're different. he can confidently allow these to get away from him in exchange of not losing you. you become his obsession. mark is aware that he has a problem but doesn't want to admit it and keep on insisting that this is part of his life... when it is not. everything about it is not normal, because when he faces rejection he felt anguish, loss, stress, and anger. there was a point where he tried to consider hurting and taking his life but he was taught that this is a grave sin and again, he felt disappointed that he is thinking of doing a grave sin which added made it worse to his anxiety. 3 years ago, he talked to his psychologist professor and was diagnosed with depression and attachment disorganized anxiety. he only attends one counseling session because he couldn't accept that there's something wrong with him and if people will find out about this he will lose all the respect.

ask him. you were pushing yourself to speak what's wrong? do you have a problem? you want to ask him but you became voiceless.

"mark, i want you to be honest to me okay?" your voice was shaking trying to control it from whimpering and tears rolling on your cheeks. "are you going through... something? do you want to talk about it?"

mark was spacing out while looking into your eyes but inside his head, it was in extreme chaos. he's having a second thoughts on telling that he has anxiety.

"mark, i love you so much but i need to understand you first so i know what to do and to make sure that you're receiving it. can you trust me?" you were convincing him and mark can see it through your eyes.

he gave up.

"i'm a mess." he broke down. mark's voice cracked and tears falling filled with hopelessness. you couldn't bare to see him like this so you pulled him into a passionate but slow kiss which he gladly responds.

you made him sit on your bed and straddle his hips, your hands were on both sides of his face and his hands were on the bed to support his body and your body. both of you where muffling your sobs.

"i was diagnosed depression and disorganized attachment anxiety" he confessed. you have no idea what is disorganized attachment anxiety, but you just understand that he has anxiety and depression, which was shocking.

mark lee, loved by everyone and religious boy have depression? that's when you realize, depression has no favoritism.

"how? you're..."

"when i was a kid, my parents are busy but i felt love every time they praise me and follow their lessons. i needed their praise and validation and i adopted it and became like... that and brought it until i grow up and to school. i never wanted to feel their disappointment and i never wanted to lose the respect of my parents, professors, and classmates but when i met you..." your eyes were locking with him. "you're the only thing i need and for the first time i never cared of losing it i thought i changed but i was wrong, nothing changed. i was just too possessive and obsess of you and when you told me you want to leave me..." his voice broke once again.

"it's going to be the end of me. it's been a long time since i felt rejected and i don't know what to do." he weeps and you felt weak.

mark has been your emotional support with fragile heart, you felt useless. instead of apologizing, you said the 3 words he always and shamelessly tells you.

"i love you." you pecked his lips. "i love you." your kissed it again and repeatedly do it while allowing the tears to fall.

he needs assurance that he is genuinely loved, which he is.

"mark, you are you still going to a psychiatrist?" making sure that he's managing it very well, but he shook his head. he needs help, someone who's more reliable. you hope that the next statement you will tell him will not take it as a bad thing. you rub his cheeks.

"you need to, aren't we pharmacists? aren't we push people to comply and adhere?" you smiled sadly.

"what will they think? my parents will be disappointed and sad at me, they will blame it to themselves, i know them y/n. and the people around me, they will think that i am fragile." you could see how frustrated he was.

"i thought you don't care about them anymore? i thought what matters is me? and what i think is that i love you and will love you more regardless of seeing one." you want to tell him that one day if you will do something wrong he might hurt himself or the people around him but you don't know if it's the right thing to say. this is why he needs to talk to a professional and you also need one because you can talk to them on what is the right thing to do to help mark and support him.

"if i do this you will never leave me?" you felt bad, now mark is now losing trust on you.

"if you do that, i am always right there with you." you kissed his forehead.

"and if i don't?"

"and if you don't..." you rest your forehead against his. "i am always with you."

you stared at each other for a long time sharing tons of emotion and you didn't know when it happened but both of you can't keep your hands to yourself. you're hovering over him touching him everywhere and his hands are all over your back.

you're grinding yourself hard on his pants, both of you panting but your lips never got separated, instead, it gets deeper. you pulled the hem of his pants and boxer. you pushed aside you shorts and sunk down to his length.

"fuck, that was hot." mark coulnd't help but blurt that out. you started to bounce, hands gripping his shoulders. he squeezed your breast underneath your shirt when suddenly the door clicked opened along with a women's gasp.

both of your heads turned towards the door's direction. it was your mom wearing his office uniform, holding a bowl with jaw-dropping in surprise. mark panicked, and so do you. you pulled mark's head and pulled it towards your breast, you want to gatekeep him.

"mom!" you shouted.

"i-i'm sorry I thought you look so down.. ohh..." you actually don't know what she just realized but she's nodding her head like now i get it "you have--"

"mom, get out!" she quickly closed the door.

"just so you know i will be here at 8, but if you want i can come here by 9! you can continue-"

"mom!" she made you feel embarrassed.

"my daughter has a boyfriend! finally!" she squealed as if the pigs finally learned how to fly. your mom thought this day wouldn't come but good lord your mom saw mark's face and at that moment she knew she needs mark's gene in her family tree.

"as much i loved your breast, i love to look at your face more." mark said. you release his head.

"my mom is just like that I'm sorry." you heard your mom honked. mark grinned and you gave him an apologetic look. "are you still in the mood?"

"i'm afraid i'm not anymore." mark chuckled. there's so much going on inside him plus he was slightly concerned what your mom thought of him. your mom caught him making with you but she seemed cool though but it was awkward.

"me too." deep down your blaming your mom.

you went back to class, you can't let mark skip[ another class again. you have to be a good influence. it was awkward but everyone already knows that you're dating, there's no reason to hide it and might just embrace it. mark apologized to the whole class, he didn't tell them his condition but he told them that he's going through something. even though mark still thinks that they are just using him, though at first that's how you perceived them but that really changed, for you it was a genuine friendship, they were so forgiving and i hope one day mark will accept that friendship.

since them, things went good though not perfect. his parents blamed themselves but you told them that that's the reason why mark didn't want to tell it to them, instead of continuing blaming themselves, they will give them all the love and support. mark never missed a session and you never missed going with him also.

and for the first time, you went to their church and the pastor is mark's father. you thought it was going to be like a normal day but...

"mark..." you sighed when he increased the intensity of the vibrator that he slipped while his father preaching. the front seats were occupied while you and mark are the only ones seating at the back.

you're squeezing and rubbing your thighs together, you felt so hot and wet. you badly want to moan, but that will be hard because you felt like once you moan, it will never stop.

"are you calling me love?" mark innocently asked you, he was saying that while putting the vibrator on max. you mouth opened while looking at mark's eyes. mark kept his smile while watching your orgasm face. he's doing unholy inside but worth it. he off the vibrator.

unfortunately all you can hear mark's father but can't understand it. you're still in ecstasy.

"my friends and family, it's not about finding the right person, it is becoming the right person, and if both partners think this way even the wrong shadows will be lighted by understanding. it's like saying i am the right person for the right person. tell this to your partner."

"i am the right person for the right person." mark whispered into your ears.

"hmm? what?" you weakly said. your eyes still closed. mark just chuckled and kissed your forehead.

"nothing." then put the vibrator to max.

"mark!" you screamed and everyone turned their heads towards you. you blood went down to your feet and nervously smile. "i- love your son sir..." you embarrassingly confessed. mark was trying to suppress his laugh while the people around you awed.

"and that's an example of my preach today."

you glared at mark, he just grinned and kiss your love.

"i love you too." he said.

"i want to smack you in the head." you angrily said. he just laughed.

this is going to be the last chapter. sorry for waiting to much, BUT there's a BONUS chapter there's no story on that just pure 🥵

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[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! I'm a huge fan of your work and deeply enjoying FFS rn, it really shows the love and care you've put into this world and characters and it's an amazing read 🥰🧡

Idk if you've actually answered this question before or if it's a bit too much? So feel free to skip it. Do you have any advice on how to write a therapist and sessions with them? And to go along with that, a therapist&patient relationship that doesn't feel inauthentic but that's a healthy one?

I've had to visit both psychiatrists and psychologists a couple of times along my life, which has almost always been a positive experience to me, but when I get down to business and want to write a character going to therapy, I fall into a bunch of the psychoanalytic clichés US films have hammered us down with, even if I'm not from an Anglophile country!

Thanks a bunch in advance!! Ilu, have a nice start of the year🧡✨

Hiya anon!

I have a few thoughts about writing therapy sessions so I’m just going to put them down in no particular order.

Firstly, I don’t actually think it’s always a good idea to write therapy in stories, and a lot of the time I avoid writing it even when a character is actively seeing a therapist. This is particularly true in The Wind that Cuts the Night where all we see of Alex and his therapist are snippets, and nothing more than that, because therapy sessions would slow down the pacing, focus and value of the story.

Where possible, characters don’t see therapists, but talk to people in a way that is therapeutic, usually with love interests or members of the ensemble cast (Augus and Fenwrel in The Court of Five Thrones, Jack and Eva in The Golden Age that Never Was, Jack and North in From the Darkness We Rise/Into Shadows We Fall, Cullen and Cassandra, Cullen and Bull in Stuck on the Puzzle). All of those characters need therapy, but writing therapy sessions tends to slow down the pace of a fic pretty dramatically, and even I had misgivings about writing Efnisien’s sessions with Dr Gary at first because I’m acutely aware of the fact that:

1. Therapy sessions can be draggy and boring 2. They often take away important emotional realisations from other characters, ruining potential hurt/comfort and character relationship development moments with your actual cast / love interests 3. Fiction is meant to be fiction, not reality. 4. A lot of therapy sessions are actually not that interesting to sit in or write or observe, which is why writers do often find themselves falling into certain cliches while writing them to make them more interesting. Even I cut out huge chunks of sessions to get to the more interesting parts, lol. 5. You can write a character going to therapy without writing the therapy. You can just choose to have the character remember bits and pieces of the session later as it’s relevant to their life. 6. Therapy is different for everyone, and some readers (myself included) don’t enjoy reading it when the therapy is a kind that doesn’t resonate or feel right.

So you really need to ask yourself why you want to write therapy specifically, because a lot of the time it gets boring or - as you point out - falls into cliched territory. Writing a character going to a doctor a lot in detail for regular injections is boring. Writing them thinking about how they have to do this in brief while their love interest is sympathetic to them getting those injections is more interesting. Writing a character suffering from an illness that they need regular injections for, with their love interest comforting them? Interesting.

Falling Falling Stars is a unique fic in that Efnisien has no one before he meets Arden, except for Dr Gary and Gwyn. If you’re writing an FFS style fic, writing therapy sessions might be appropriate. It might be worth really thinking about the kind of fics you want to write, why you want to write therapy, how that will affect your pacing, etc.

If you’re still dead set on writing therapy sessions, then I have some suggestions re: writing more realistic/healthy therapy and how to find that knowledge yourself, and I don’t really know how to shorthand some of it:

1. Get books on therapy that are designed for the therapist. These are often expensive, but sometimes libraries stock them - and university libraries in particular will often have photocopy abilities (or you can just photograph the pages you need) because these books look at how sessions should be structured. Books with case studies are ideal, since they often show dialogue chains between the client and therapist. Books that obviously deal with the mental illnesses you’re planning on writing about are the most ideal.

2. With a view to this, learn about different therapeutic modalities (for example are you trying to write psychology or psychoanalysis or both? Are you writing social work? Are you writing cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, expressive therapies, narrative therapy, transcendental therapy?) Be aware that different modalities have different session structures and learn what they are. Wikipedia is your friend, but your closest friend will be actually acquiring textbooks on the subject. This is a pretty significant financial barrier at times, I’ve been collecting books like this on psychology since like 1997.

3. Learn about your character’s mental instabilities that require them to go to a therapist and then look up the most recommended forms of therapy for your character’s specific issues. Will they suit your character? Why/why not? Will they have a therapist who realises and switches modality if it doesn’t suit? Or will they be lucky and find someone who helps them straight away?

4. All therapy sessions have a structure to them. And therapy often has a narrative arc through the course of therapy over many sessions. They should generally have the attempt at a beginning (greeting / setting up the problem to be discussed), middle (highlighting the source of conflict or inner conflict) and end (helping the client to focus on less stressful things, possible homework assigned, and potentially talking about future work/sessions). Learn this structure. Even if you’re not writing the whole session, you need to know where in the session you’re writing, beginning/middle/end will be different tonally. Structures will be different per therapeutic modality, and a therapist that knows many different modalities (like Dr Gary) will often be using slightly different structures each time depending on the character’s mood/issue.

5. In a healthy therapist/client relationship there will be the ability to discuss boundaries, grievances and the therapist won’t be revealing much about their personal life at all (unless anecdotally it’s super relevant and even then it will be deliberately vague). This is one of those things that will - in many cases - make for more boring sessions on the page, depending on the ‘client.’ For example, if you’re writing someone seeing a therapist for the first time, it might realistically take months or years before they start showing progress or trust. That’s not interesting (there’s a reason ‘therapy fiction’ isn’t a genre), so of course it’s tempting to shortcut into more dramatic moments.

*

I would say if you’re finding yourself leaning towards more cliched or dramatic forms of writing re: therapy, your writing brain may sense that the entire scene/s may not be suited to the story, and is trying to find a way to make them more interesting to yourself and the reader. If that’s not the case, then a lot more research is needed! It’s time to sink many hours into actually understanding what you’re trying to write. This doesn’t matter as much if you’re writing unrealistic or unhealthy therapy, but it’s 100% necessary when you’re trying to write healthier therapy depictions.***

Also a couple of sessions of experience is a start, but you might want to watch or find a way to watch more therapy sessions, because you’ve missed out on experiencing longer arcs, different modalities etc. (This is where my hands on experience with 19 therapists since 1995 is actually really helpful, lmao - I’ve had close to like 800~ sessions by now, with good and bad therapists; I cannot pretend that hasn’t given me a knowledge base that most people don’t share). You can still learn that stuff via research, MedCircle on Youtube is a good place to start, since it offers 30 minute snapshots on what CBT and DBT sessions will look like etc. and has some great playlists.

Most fics I’ve read don’t do a great job of depicting therapy, but the Babes!verse series by @rynfinity has probably some of the most realistic and still really interesting sessions I’ve read as an ongoing arc. The series is long, because it needs to be re: what it’s dealing with, but it’s great, and I definitely recommend looking at another example of how an author tackles these sorts of scenes. Out of the Mouths of Babes / The March of the Damned are the two intertwined series.

I apologise if this sounds discouraging overall, or daunting, but I just want to stress there’s a reason that I’m often not writing therapy in my writing, as anything more than the occasional scene with a non-therapist, or snapshots that are reflected on and that’s it. Falling Falling Stars is the exception to the rule, and unless you’re writing an exception to the rule as well, it’s really worth reflecting on the first six points I wrote - it’ll save you a fuckton of time and research. And if you go ahead with it, I wish you well! :D

*** Also disclaimer: But I still am writing very indulgent therapy that is not beholden to being either a 100% healthy or 100% realistic depiction. The fact is, real therapy sessions are pretty boring for observers except for maybe ten or twenty minutes in the middle at times.

(ETA: It’s just occurred to me that therapy fiction does exist, esp. in the mass media, but that it is - afaik - all unrealistic, dramatised or unhealthy. But if you want to watch a great show - I highly recommend In Treatment with Gabriel Byrne, just by aware that it is depicting, for the most part, unhealthy dynamics which are more character studies than anything).

[amelia-grant-md]

If you were to re-do the scene with Bucky and his therapist but with Amelia instead, how would the scene go?

Oohh that is an interesting question! (although I also kind of have to sort through what I, me, Josie, would do (as someone who really likes the fictional character Bucky and his backstory and also writing) vs. what Amelia would do (as a fictional therapist invented by a writer who knows fuck-all about therapy). Bc Amelia is very different to the therapist-character both as a) a therapist and b) a person. And that’s less about “what makes a good therapist” but “how does Amelia deal with things and what does she consider good therapy.”

For me, personally, I think what really bothers me the most about those therapy scenes in Falcon and Winter Soldier and really the way Bucky is being treated: This therapy is forced on him in the first place. He doesn’t want to be there. And this therapist often treats him in a very passive-aggressive way, especially in the first therapy scene. (I especially hated the thing with the notebook considering that Bucky and doctors with notebooks...yeah, they have a history).

And I know that a very common fandom reaction to his therapy scenes was that it is nice for Bucky that he is in a position where he can choose to push back, to refuse stuff - something he couldn’t do in ages. But personally, I don’t think putting him in a conflict position is the best way to get him to open up. I mean, it’s nice to teach him to push back (which is actually something we know he already can do bc we often see him do it when interacting for example with Sam and the entire idea of Bucky being some soft trembling flower is kind of a fandom-take) but I think the guy has bigger issues. 

Now, talking specifically about Amelia and the kind of character I see her as:

 One thing that I try to make Amelia do a lot is that she tries not to push people. She has a stubborn streak when it comes to how she perceives herself, but she doesn’t push that on others. That is for example why she told Val and Jacopo that they could leave any time if they needed to take a break or why she let Val get coffee when it was obviously her way of stalling - bc she could tell that Val was uncomfortable and didn’t want to add to that by saying: “Hey sit your ass down and talk now.” So it’s easier to let Val get her additional three minutes of getting coffee and then having her sit down for good.

It’s also why when she was invited to their house for the first time to check whether this is a good place for Jacopo, one of the first things she told Val was that she has no intention to take Jacopo away and that she wouldn’t be angry if she found something amiss (it’s too long ago for to me to remember what exactly she said but they had a brief conversation of that sort) - because she knew that putting additional stress on Jacopo’s parents would just give them reasons to hide stuff from her and not to tell her the truth which in turn would prevent her from helping Jacopo, so instead she wanted to give them the liberty to be honest without consequences and if she found something wrong, she could give them actual advice.

Or that’s why she never told Jacopo something along the lines: “stop cutting!” or “you shouldn’t have run from home!” - or for example when Jacopo told her that he considers stealing to show Jlo that stealing is bad, she doesn’t say “you shouldn’t do that” or “stealing is bad” or “that’s a dumb idea” or even “Wow you would be a thief and I hate thieves”, but just points out that he might get in trouble - not indicating any personal feelings on the matter. Because if she did that and he stole something, he might not tell her. So she just reminds him of the consequences.  

When it comes to Bucky, I think one of the biggest differences is the apologising thing. I don’t think Amelia is averse to advising a person to apologise if a person genuinely feels bad and she thinks this might help them feel better, but she’s also someone who focussed her career on dealing with abused children (who tend to blame themselves for things they are not responsible for). And ironically, Bucky is also not responsible for the things he did when he was the Winter Soldier. 

Now, I’m not a therapist and I don’t know whether apologising would maybe really help a person like Bucky feel better or not (it might! I’m not saying it wouldn’t!) - but just ignoring how therapy really works in the real world and just looking at characters and how fictional Amelia regards fictional psychology; I don’t think she would make him apologise unless he would insist on doing that. In which case, again, she would be very non-judgy and more matter-of-factly and point out the pros and cons for his mental health (and the mental health of the people he apologises to) and generally the advantages and disadvantages of this approach. And if he decided to do it, she would very frequently go over the results with him in a neutral way.

Obviously, we have to keep in mind that she was developed as a therapist for Jacopo so a big thing for her is that she’s always very: “Hey, this is not your fault.” and “You are not (stupid/slow/untalented)”. And I feel like for her, setting Bucky up to make apologies would be setting him up to internalise that he has something to apologise for - when really, he is the victim. It would be like...if someone grabbed your arm, made you slap someone, gaslit you into believing you hit that person and when you talked to someone about this, they would tell you: “Well, apologise to the person you slapped, and you will feel better!” - Again, I don’t know whether this would help a real-world trauma patient, but in terms of fictional psychologists, I don’t think Amelia would make him do that. Instead, she would focus on sorting through his trauma with him, teaching him coping strategies with stuff like flashbacks, nightmares, and other tendencies. And use that as markers of progress, not some third persons reaction to an apology by the guy who killed someone they loved. (which is another thing: Consent. I will say some more about this later but I think for her, consent is a big deal and involving those victims in Bucky’s therapy would be something she would really want do some check-ups on bc she cannot put her patient’s well-being over that of stranger’s.)

Another thing is the scene where the therapist takes Bucky’s phone, looks through his calls and then tells him it’s “sad” how few people he spoke to. That’s also something Amelia would never do - she has a very “glass is half-full”, “you tried your best!” approach. Also, again, she wouldn’t go through his stuff without consent and if she found out how many people he called, she would either not comment or she would at least find something praise-worthy about it.

In my own pedagogy studies, one very interesting thing my psychology lecturer always stressed is that any positive or negative attention from a person in authority* is automatically reinforcement vs. punishment. You know that feeling when your parents say: “Ooohh look, you left your room, huh? How nice of you to show your face for once!!!” - that is negative attention bc it’s indirectly saying: “Well you are never here you asshole.” (even if it’s not meant that way). And the thing our lecturer really broke down for us about punishment vs. reinforcement is that reinforcement is the more well-directed force – it’s like a laser while punishment is like a leaf-blower:

- If you tell a student who draws a lot in class: “Peter, stop drawing and focus!” (negative attention-> punishment) you can at best have one result: That the thing he won’t do is draw. You have no idea what he’s going to do instead. He might start throwing things for all you know

- But if you actually have positive reinforcement for Peter when he’s not drawing and you find a way to praise him for doing his work without the “ooh you left your room!”-undertone, you are actually reinforcing the positive attention he gets for doing his work and this is the one thing you are encouraging here. Even if you just say: “Hey, you really put a lot of effort into this and I can see your progress, good job” – already positive attention.

*(and yeah, I’m kinda projecting that from a teacher over to a therapist (bc again, not a therapist), but then, it’s also a court-mandated therapist we are talking about here and Bucky can get arrested for not seeing her - which is something that gives her a lot of power over a former POW whose captors infiltrated military and law enforcement)

And yeah, since this is...one of the few things I know, this is something that informs the way Amelia treats people (which is why she brings muffins to an uncomfortable appointment -> sugar makes people happy. So if someone is feeling down, they get a muffin).

Going through someone’s phone and telling them it’s sad that they called so little people is negative attention and therefore punishment. What she’s encouraging here is that the next time, Bucky simply might not bring his phone and lie about his social life (same as he already lies about his nightmares).

Also, again on the subject of consent: There is the question of adding someone else to a session. It was very important to Amelia to talk with Val before this entire thing was set up bc a) she wanted her explicit consent to this session and b) to make sure that Val knew about this and this was not something Jacopo had decided to spring on her to get his way.

Bucky’s therapist just pulls Sam into the session, putting him a very awkward position without his consent.

 So yeah, how would I set up such a scene....(cough aka answering your actual question cough)

Now, ignoring for a moment how I would actively write such a scene from an stylistic point of view but just focussing on how I would picture Amelia setting up such a session/therapy in general:

I think the first thing would be that Amelia would be very open about this being a court-mandated therapy and acknowledging that Bucky does not want to be there. Personally, considering her own stance on consent, I’m already in the doubts here whether she would accept a court-mandated patient but then, I think she might if she was really optimistic about being able to help that person and since she’s a trauma specialist (although for children and young adults) she might give it a shot.

On the other hand, just the way she sees her practice, I don’t think she would be able to treat someone who doesn’t want to be treated in a way that they don’t feel comfortable with. She’s really not a “we have to dig into the things you don’t feel comfortable with!”- therapist and very “I will nudge and encourage them to bring forward what they want to.” (on that matter: She also didn’t really expect Val to put her survivor’s guilt all out in the open. But just to say which incidents lead to Jacopo running away from home from her perspective)

So, I can very well see her say to Bucky: “Hey, I know you don’t want to be here, I’m not going to force this on you, so let’s just have a tea and some croissants and I will non-bindingly talk a little about trauma management strategies and different places any person with trauma can turn to in an emergency and btw here is how you can contact me at any time.”  That would mostly be an excuse to say a) yes, court-people, therapy has happened here are records on what we talked about and b) a way of hiding some real attempts to get him to talk. She might even pick fairly neutral topics like “do you know that new bakery downtown” (to gauge whether he goes out and explores or stays at home and shuts off) or planned vacations (does he plan ahead/does he have things he wishes to do or see and does he make efforts to do them?) or something in the hopes that he responds and she can gently nudge that conversation to more personal subjects.

Now, we have to keep in mind that Bucky is kind of…a dangerous person. Even if he’s not violent, he has super-powers, can be brainwashed and has PTSD a mile-wide which can make people irritable and even cause violent flashbacks. I think one priority for her would be to assess that danger potential – both to himself and to others. So, while she tries nudging at those subjects, I think central themes would be:

a)      His emotional state (is he an angry person? How does he talk about his past? How does he talk about other people in general? How does he interact with his (21st century) environment? Also, he grew up 100 years ago, so she might actually try to get a read on how his thoughts and feelings on stuff like race, gender, sexuality – bc a lot of stuff happened since then and even someone with the most progressive ideas and intentions from the 1930s might at worst be out of touch with the 2020s and at best actually…mean well but say or do something that is highly inappropriate in the 21st century and put himself an awkward position in every day life, so I think she would try to get a read on that and give him pointers. (especially since she herself is a woman of colour with a phd working in the medical field (something that wasn’t a thing when he grew up) and treating a white man who got iced in the 1940s and was kept by actual Nazis for 70 years is probably something she would have some expectations and concerns about. I think generally, she would just want to observe how he interacts with her, considering that this is an uncomfortable situation for him and if she wants to know whether the Winter Soldier is dangerous – might just see how this legendary mystery killer reacts to being put in the room with a court-mandated personality-prodder and being served pastries. Now, we might be reading this from a position where we know Bucky and know he’s mostly a very decent guy – but Amelia doesn’t know that going in and while I picture her as a very encouraging and positive person, I also think as a professional, she would try to prepare herself for some fucked-up shit.)

b)      His living situation (the thing where he sleeps on the floor is actually something a lot of former POWs and people who were imprisoned do so I imagine this is exactly one of the things she would be on the look-out for: Does he have a place to stay? Does he have food? Does he have someone who checks up on him? Does he take care of himself? – and depending on that outcome, she might encourage the efforts he already makes and offer help and give tips, mostly neutral ones at first like easy recipes that don’t require a lot of effort? Or if it’s really going badly, I think she would actually offer him to check up on him, much in the same way that she checked up on Jacopo’s  home, as: “hey, this won’t have negative consequences for you, you don’t even have to let me in, I just want to see you alive once a week and maybe drop off some leftovers from my kitchen.” Now, this is something I know therapists should not be doing bc it blurs the line between private and professional life, but I think it’s definitely something Amelia is very accommodating about (I mean, she cAnoNicalLy lets her patients call her any time of the day if they have a problem and if Jacopo had called her that he was running from home, she would probably even have let him stay at her place until she had figured something out. I think she’s a person who really puts her patients first, even at the expense of her privacy…and well-being)

c)      His danger potential (when he talks to her, does he mention feeling aggression?  Does he disassociate? Does he have flashbacks and what are they about and when does he have them? Does he slip into that brainwashed personality?)

 I think gauging those things mixed with providing help to acute difficulties Bucky shares with her would be her first priorities.

Now this can go two ways: Either he completely refuses to participate. In which case I imagine she would accurately and dutifully record that and either the therapy gets extended and she keeps going the way she does until he changes – or the court says: Well, we tried, therapy over, good luck Bucky – in which case she would probably give him her number and ways to contact her, maybe a self-help book and tell him her door is always open. Or if he does participate, I think she would slowly shift from gauging problems and providing direct solutions to immediate problems (“You don’t have the mental energy to cook? – Here are some quick recipes and these are my favourite pizza places in the area”) to long-term strategies and even medication plans, however they might look like for Bucky.

I think she would encourage him to develop a healthy social life same as his canon therapist and encourage him to seek out contacts but again, she definitely wouldn’t call it “sad” that the brainwashed ex-POW born in the 1910s has difficulties finding people to relate to but try to encourage the relationships she has (she would definitely give some positive feedback about Sam trying to reach out to Bucky, as he apparently did because a) he’s an Avenger and knows some of that superhero shit Bucky is dealing with and b) he also has experience supporting people dealing with trauma and c) he knew Steve, one of the biggest anchors in Bucky’s life.)

I also, think she would provide some medical help for the nightmares and teach some strategies for dealing with those.

And yeah, a lot of those factors depend on their effectiveness and I think it would be somewhat trial and error because Bucky’s situation is…pretty unique and not her field of speciality, but just in short, I think one of the central themes with Amelia as his therapist would be that she would try to get him to want to participate and a transition from a) getting a read on his danger potential and b) offering immediate help to immediate problems to offering long-term strategies and perspectives to deal with shit. 

[helenazbmrskai]

YOONGI AS A MERMAN💜🧡❤🧜‍♂️

• The lake deep in the heart of the forest is a 15-minute walk from the city

• You always thought that place holds a supernatural beauty to it and you liked how mysterious the atmosphere felt there

• every brush from the wind on your skin or how the lake's surface shake with every movement a leaf landed on it

• It was not something most people found breathtaking the lake's water is muddy and not see-through but pretty flowers swimming on the veneer makes up for that

• You felt like you were being watched by someone the presence felt nice despite how uncomfortable you felt the first time you discovered this place

• After that, you didn't show up for two weeks but the image of the lake at the back of your head never left your subconscious so here you were

• This city was unfamiliar to you the only purpose why were you here is because this town has a good psychologist and you are determined to pick up your pieces

• Asking for help is never easy but after months of sessions you felt better after a long time you wanted to think about your future and you were not afraid anymore to look back to your past

• You sit down at the nearby rock you always occupy when you visit this place

• After a minute or two, you can feel eyes locking with your form you are still not sure if it's just your mental state playing a cruel joke with you or someone is really there

• You tried to talk to the person even though he never replied but you never stopped despite the lack of response you talked about your progress you shared your thoughts with the mysterious shadow lurking in the background and talked about your daily life what you like to eat what is your favourite colour you shared anything you can think of at that moment

• But this time you remained silent you come here every day for at least the past 2 weeks and no one responded so far to your aimless bubbling

• So you just watched the scenery taking in the wet mud and the scents of the blossoming flowers by inhaling deeply

• You liked the smell of after rain when the soil is soaked it makes the view more dreamy

• "Why aren't you talking human?"

• A voice broke the silence and a head appeared from the muddy water you almost fell of the rock and hit your head on it but you could stabilize yourself in the last moments before the disaster would eventually happen

• "Why are you in the lake? You will catch a cold!"

• The man laughed shaking his head to the side that this is the first thing that pops up in your head of all the things you could say

• "No need to worry about me. I am living in this lake."

• You regard him for a couple of seconds not quite understanding the whole 'I live in this lake' concept

• "Are you a swamp monster?" Your eyes widen standing up from your sitting position to getaway

• "This is the most insulting question I was ever asked in my long lifespan. For your information, I am no monster. I am a merman or mermaid, choose what you want."

• "A m-mermaid? Am I dreaming or hallucinating from the anti-depressants?"

• The merman rolled his eyes at your comment swimming elegantly closer to the grassy edge the lake water clearer at that part and you can see the silhouette of a big tail guiding him through the water

• "You were the one stalking me then, all this time?"

• He groans offended by your every word

• "I am not stalking you. This is my lake. You are the one stalking me."

• "I am not!" You protest and it's earned a toothy grin from the mythical creature.

• "Why are you looking like that? Do you have a fever? You're as red as a sea worm."

• "I can't believe a merman said I look like a worm! You take that back!" You yell at him offended by the indication even forgetting the fact why were you so embarrassed that your whole face turned red.

• "I didn't say you look like one just as red as one."

• He had the audacity to roll his eyes again at you like you are some kind of moron

• "I liked you better when you were silent." You sit down again to the same rock and the boy you still don't know the name of swims closer

• "Wait. I am coming here for two weeks now on a row why are you appearing in front of me now? And do you have a name or should I call you fish guy?"

• You call me that again and you'll never see the sight of me, I dare you!"

• "Ok, ok I understand. No need to be this rude. God. What a grumpy merman."

• " I am not! My name is Yoongi so make sure to use it."

• After the faithful encounter, you guys are becoming closer your visits to the lake expands in time because you no longer the only one talking to yourself and Yoongi even bother to ask questions he seems curious about you in general

• You nudge him to tell you elements about himself saying that you were talking for two weeks and now it's his turn

• At first, he seemed shy to tell you about his life he enjoyed more when you were talking and he listened

• "Yoongi." You call out his name your mood is gloomy and you know Yoongi noticed it as well but didn't comment on it

• for the past few weeks, you had a good spirit and you were cheerful but not today

• "Yes? What is it?"

• His elbows firmly set on the grass beside you his head is positioned in his palms looking into your eyes concern swimming in his warm expression as he waits for you to speak what is on your mind today

• "This is my last week." Instead of his eyes, you look up gaping at the different shapes of clouds littering the sky even the weather is grim not just your mood. The sun is hiding behind those fluffy looking white pillows.

• "What do you mean?" Yoongi touches your thigh want you to look at him instead of the view.

• "You know why I am here originally right?"

• You obligate locking gazes with him he mirrors the sadness you feel right now

• "You're getting treated your depression here."

• You nod. He suddenly realizes what you mean. If your session is over this week that means you have no reason to stay here and you're going back to where you came from.

• "Are you leaving this week? Saturday? Sunday? When?" His palm is firmer against your skin until now it was a lingering touch but now he is holding onto you like you can disappear before he can get the answer to his question.

• "At the end of the week. That's when my therapy ends."

• After you leave that day you feel something is squeezing your heart painfully

• You turn up the next day and the next day spending time with Yoongi as much as you can this week almost every meeting ends up finishing when the sky is no longer ruled by the sun but the moon is peeking and stars illuminating the lake and the two of you talking

• You don't mention the topic which obviously weighing down both of your hearts and he doesn't talk about it either

• But Sunday comes sooner than you wished to

• You had your luggage with you when you went to see Yoongi for the last time

• You abandon your spot when he appears above the water and you crouch down to be closer to him you know you should say goodbye but the only thing you can do is look into his eyes

• "I have to confess something before you leave. I wanted to tell you this for a long time now. I was about to tell you what's on my mind lately that night you said you're going to leave so I thought I shouldn't make things harder than it already is. But I feel I could die if I can't tell you."

• Yoongi clasped your hands in his holding them gently but fixed you would normally laugh at that a seaweed is glued to his wet fingers but not now when he is wearing such a pained expression

• "I love you, my human. Even if you leave my feelings won't change towards you. I hate that it will make parting ways more painful but I just needed you to know that you are so dear to me."

• "I love you too Yoongi. I won't leave you. I don't think I can handle that I want to be by your side." You hold him closer hugging his body flush against you not caring that you'll get soggy.

• "B-but your stuff is there." He can't believe what he is hearing his eyes trained on the luggage you left behind.

• "I had to leave the facility because my therapy is over but I maybe bought a small house at the foot of the forest at the last moment instead of a train ticket and I just wanted to see you as soon as I packed up. So here I am."

• "You silly human. You got me miserable for a moment. I really thought that's it for us."

• "But I am your silly human." You smile at him but you are soon muffled with a wet kiss against your lips.

[formulatrash]

Hello, i wanted to ask if FE drivers are sensitive about their weight as F1 drivers? In general actually, how touchy are drivers about weight?

I got two asks kind of about this so gonna answer this one.

FE drivers are very sensitive about it. Their minimum weight didn't get the 5kg raise F1 drivers did so the tall ones really suffer, Lucas and Alex Lynn have both complained about it and I think it's incredibly unfair. I think the motivation was to keep the overall car weight down (FE cars are very heavy because of the battery) but that should never come at the drivers' cost.

Teams always want to use ballast to balance the car though, so the lighter the driver can be the better. But obviously even FE cars, which the drivers will all tell you are physically a piece of piss to drive because they don't have downforce, are absolutely brutal to haul round. Imagine turning the best part of a tonne, with no power steering and all the weight in the back and 0 grip, on a track where there's a corner every 50m and anotjer car up your arse. Most of us wouldn't make it out of the garage.

So they're horribly conscious of it, in this very detached way. They don't worry about being fat - they know they're very skinny but the obsessive control over their body it requires is. Well. Pretty fucked up. It's why a lot of them have their trainers with them all the time to help and why their trainers are part psychologist, much more than a coach.

Does it get fucked up? For sure. JEV at Toro Rosso is the starkest example, repeatedly hospitalised while trying to starve himself down to teenage Dany's weight. On a lower level, some of them have very limited food tastes and get anxious about eating things they don't know they're allowed.

Most of them have weird body image issues - they work out a lot and would all like to look more buff for it, a lot of them talk about wanting to be bigger and less lean, they find the endless shedding cardio as boring as anyone would. (hence the popularity of cycling as one of their three hobbies and interests outside racing)

If you have to think about whether you should eat something, whether it's the right thing, whether you can have that much of it, before you eat anything then it's a weird mental atmosphere. Lots of us do, of course - I'm over a decade out of full-blown ED behaviour but still think about it all the time if I'm making food or eating food or trying to work out if I'm hungry or whatever. It's a lot of mental stress to be running, like an app your phone keeps warning you is consuming power in the background.

It's very weird to turn your body into a tool. I think about it sometimes while I'm picking at myself in the paddock for not being a model becayse I've got a body you can dehydrate for 48h and avoid sleeping for longer or curl into Ryanair seats and run through airports jumping luggage but it's not the conventionally attractive one I had a few years ago and that bums me out.

The drivers, by comparison, do know they're buff. They absolutely preen under objectification because they all have the self esteem of a dog that's done a trick and is waiting for the biscuit and like being told theyre pretty. For many reasons, including most of them looked like gawky weirdos as teens. (didn't we all)

They are aware people look at them and that their body shape and intake and activity is dictated by their sport, not how they themselves want to look or what they might do if they didn't want to compete. But they do, so here it is.

Raising the minimum weight in F1 has visibly improved how tiny they all are and if like to see it happen in FE, if not go higher in both. I think a situation where (picking random names of short and tall drivers here) Lando has a meaningful physical and sporting advantage over George, say, because they've got like a 6" height difference, is not fair. Especially because this is the height of competition so the only logical thing under those regulations is for George to try and slim himself down to regain the edge.

It bothers me as an element of the sport - partly because it's a modern issue, where a lot of the more fucked up or unsafe things are at least legacy elements. Drivers were still frequently a bit chubby and sucking on sponsored tobacco sticks in between sessions until the mid 90s after all. It's one of the things that shows the strange regulatory disregard for drivers still, because there's a callousness awarded with the privilege of their position - at the same time as the sport thrives on lionising successes. Its as though someone winning means the fabric of the whole thing can be neatly pressed and starched, wrinkles of inequality forgotten when it's draped over an awards show table.

Dad bod rights, basically.

[kevkesblog]

Translation: Julian Brandt Interview with Sky Sport News Germany (May 12, 2020)

The video is avaliable here

Julian, Saturday Bundesliga starts again. And you will start against Schalke – the derby. How much do you look forward to?

Ju:    I’m really excited I have to say. I’m happy that everything starts again. 

I think it has been a long time, where we only had very limited training sessions. And in the end: every football player needs a goal. It’s not really fulfilling to only do training sessions. It’s a nice feeling that Bundesliga starts again. You can look forward to something again.

There has been a discussion: how fit are the players? How fit do you feel just a couple of days before the game?

Ju:    I feel good. Sure, you can’t really compare it with pre-season preparations. You do have to get used to certain things. We only were able to train in two-pair-groups. Then everything went quickly. You don’t have alot of time as a team. You have to simulate much more – or at least try 11 versus 11. And well… I was never a great fan of long pre-season preparations, so it was okay for me.

What was the experience like, when you changed from small groups to team training? Did you have to be a little more reserved or is that impossible?

Ju:    It really depends individually. There are some guys you are a little more reserved when it comes to one-on-one situations. Everbody reacts differently. It was okay for me. I never really had a problem. It was nice actually to have situations where it was a bit more rough. Sure everybody was keeping the distance over the past weeks. Everybody tried their best to avoid contact. In the end, football is a contact-sport and I think everbody was happy playing normal football again.

Now many players used the break to look for new talents among themselves. So was Julian Brandt killing his time with, while no training was possible?

Ju:    Well… sure there have been one or two days, where I thought my blanked fell on my head. I guess that’s normal. Sure you try to use your time… well I played alot of playstation. Like others probably as well. Because we had some really nice days and like I already said in the BVB podcast – I brought myself a new grill, shortly before everything was shut down. That was really, really important… I’m still very happy about it. I didn’t have one before. It also took away alot of my boredom. And then you this and that… but I havent’t learned a new language or instrument, yet (smiles). That was not the case with me.

So what does Julian Brandt you put on his grill?

Ju:    Certainly no eggplants! (smiles) We actually made some burgers most of the time. That was cool. I think I was at the grill every day, but I tried… to clear my head in terms of cooking (laughs)… It was actually funny: because one day the club had to weigh us, and surprisingly I didn’t lose weight nor did I gained weight. I was really surprised.

A small tip from my side: I always have an extra burner at home. Because nothing is more annoying putting the meat on the grill and then…

Ju:    Yeah… then the gas is empty (smiles)…

You mentioned playing playstation. How often did you play with your buddy Kai Havertz? And who of you has the upper hand?

Ju:    Actually we can’t really determine that. Kai and myself play together often. We aren’t really FIFA players. I for myself don’t play FIFA at all, Kai just a bit. We both play Fortnite, Call of Duty – these shooter games. We play in a team almost everytime, so we win together and lose together (smiles)… and most of the time we lose together, because even our playstation abilities reach a ceiling… our talents are somewhere else…

Well, with the 13, 14, 15 year olds who play it all night long…

Ju:    They are insane! It doesn’t even get better when I add my little brother, who is an avid player. We are just not good enough. (smiles) Thats something we have to admit to ourselves. 

Now Borussia Dortmund signed Philipp Laux as a new mental coach for the team. Did you talked to him and how does such a conversation go?

Ju:    It’s funny, because we actually sat together for an hour, yesterday. Not because for psychological reasons, but just to get to know each other. We just talked about everything. How the situation is. How those games without fans will be like. I already witnessed that in Paris. It was just a normal talk, no special topics. It was just to know the other person. He also talked about how he sees certain situations. How he thinks he want’s approach the team. He won’t stand in front of the team and hold great speeches. He just observes everything, which is normal if you are new.

But great guy? First impressions?

Ju:    Yeah, definitely. You can have a good chat with him. Even a normal conversation. I mean sure: he’s a sport psychologist many people think ‚Woah, he probably will „read me“ when I talk to him‘… but no, he’s a very relaxed guy. You can have a good chat with him.

You mentioned Paris. Dortmund was kicked out of the Champions League that night. But you do have some experience when it comes to games without fans. Schalke not in the same way – possibily. Could this be an advantage for Saturday?

Ju:    Yeah, sure. It’s is….  not something entirely new for you, when you have already had this experience before. The guys know how it will feel like…. it’s gonna be very, very silent. There were even fans and fireworks from fans in front of the stadium in Paris. PSG even had speakers on, so you were able to hear everything – but it went silent once the game started. Yet, we won’t have such an atmosphere. So yeah, it’s something new… you can perhaps get some advantages from it, but in the end: I think… even when you look at the Bundesliga standings… everything will start from zero on Saturday. There won’t be any home or away-games in the classical sense anymore. There isn’t a advantage or disadvantage anymore. So yeah, its in some way basically going back to the basics. Like the way when we started football as kids. I think there will be 200 or 300 people – I’m not sure…. but it’s a bit „back to the roots“.

Could this perhaps be a game-changer in terms of winning the Bundesliga? Bayern Munich has a 4-point advantage. But they still have to play in Dortmund, in Leverkusen and they play against Gladbach. They really have a heavy task in front of them. Could this be the small advantage into your favour?

Ju:    Woah… I don’t know. To be honest: I can’t say how the next weeks will be. I think many things are possible. In many aspects. In the end I think it will depend on which team deals with the current situation the best. A lot happens in your head as well. I mean, you can’t really let your feels rule you now. Fans cheering you on, for example. You know: there is a certain excitement the days before, when Dortmund players against Bayern….

But is there actually a slight chance to creat some sort of „derby atmosphere“? I mean, sure the fans will be missed. But isn’t there a derby fever that rises before the game on Saturday?

Ju:    Yeah, you do feel that Saturdays game will be special. Of course because of both reasons. Because it’s the derby, but also because it will be a game which has never happend under such circumstances. Like I said, because we already played in Paris, we know the situation, yet it’s also something new. The Paris game was eight weeks ago. But the „real derby feeling“ are the fans of course. They are living it and experience it. Suddently your neighbors talk about this game, they don’t even mention the other teams name – you get a certain feeling. Okay, we are in a hotel now. We don’t really feel alot and it’s not the same of course. It would have been nice to have a full stadium. But you still try to win the game, sure! 

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 19: MJ is NOT a super hero

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Master Post

Mary Jane is an incredibly gifted woman who you don’t want to mess with. But do those gifts really make her a hero, one who could take on Mysterio?

I was initially planning on looking at Mary Jane’s combat record in this post. However, before doing that there needs to be a dash more context to really put things into perspective.

I could simply cite Sen v2 #32 to prove my point. In this issue the Parker family are on the run since Peter unmasked and opposed the Super Human Registration Act. At her wits end MJ contacted Sue Richards for guidance.

During their conversation MJ opens up about how stressed she is. She even refers to Sue and other heroes as ‘you people’, clearly demarking a difference between them and herself.

Sue basically tells MJ to toughen up, referencing herself, Jessica Jones and Storm, the (then) wives of Reed Richards, Luke Cage and Black Panther respectively.

However, at the end of the conversation MJ points out the difference between herself those women was that she didn’t have powers to fall back on.

There you are. MJ herself acknowledging she has no powers and is not a super hero.

End of discussion.

Well no, because we can dive much deeper.

Let me start with this irrefutable statement: Mary Jane is a bad ass.

She truly is.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, she’s pulled off some truly impressive things.

But the thing is those things she’s pulled off…they wouldn’t be that impressive (if at all) if say, Wonder Woman did them. Or She Hulk. Or Mockingbird. Or Batgirl/Barbra Gordon. Or you know…Spider-Man himself.

So why do fans gravitate towards these things, these feats of heroism, self-defence and protection of others?

Because they are impressive considering Mary Jane is NOT a super hero.

You see it’s all a matter of scale.

The Chameleon is a trained and experienced mercenary but doesn’t possess any super human powers beyond the ability to change how he looks. In what has become one of her most iconic moments, Mary Jane defeated him with a mere baseball bat. This occurred when she knew what to expect, when Chameleon was underestimating her and when he was unarmed. That is  impressive no doubt.

But were the situation the same but Batgirl was substituted for Mary Jane it wouldn’t nearly be as impressive because Batgirl, even with just a baseball bat, is at worst on a similar power level as the Chameleon. But in all seriousness is almost certainly his superior in terms of combat proficiency. She’s thoroughly trained in various forms of hand-to-hand combat, strategy, thinking on the back foot and highly experienced.

And experienced against people who’re actually much more physically dangerous than the Chameleon, such as Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy or the Joker. When you remove Chameleon’s stealth and weapons you are left with someone who is highly violent and could kill the average civilian if given the chance…but ultimately not someone as dangerous as most of the famous super villains from Marvel or DC.

If anything arming Batgirl with a baseball bat would be needlessly excessive, she could defeat Chameleon with just some punches or kicks.

Now apply that same scenario but substitute in Mockingbird, who can dent steel with her bare hands and has an accelerated healing factor and arguably superior fighting skills to Batgirl. Or how about She-Hulk, someone with vastly more strength, an even better healing factor and immensely more durability. And as Wonder Woman…she is literally a millennia old demi-goddess with divinely empowered durability, strength and speed, fast enough in fact to easily deflect bullets. *

If you were told any of these  women defeated the Chameleon with ‘just a baseball bat’ would you  be impressed? Would you feel that’s a huge accomplishment for any of them?

Of course not.

Because on even an incredibly rudimentary power scale common sense would clearly define for you that Chameleon wouldn’t be a physical threat to any of them.

Because they are actual super heroes wit either physically enhanced physiologies or advanced equipment or highly practiced expert level combat training.

The reason MJ dispatching the Chameleon has been celebrated for over 20 years is because none of that applies to her.

Let’s unpack exactly  what MJ does and doesn’t have in her arsenal.

Mary Jane lacks any bona fide super human abilities or advanced combat training.

She has experienced being targeted directly by criminals or being caught up in criminal encounters. But these are intermittent experiences resulting from either her association with people the criminals have a grudge against (typically Spider-Man) or plain bad luck. She does not regularly  in her day-to-day life deal with such things nor does she even deal with them on a weekly basis in her life. If she does they are likely the result of simply living in Marvel’s version of New York city, which thereby means most of her experiences are the same as the average resident of the city.

Apart from these intermittent experiences (and exempting her seeking help from others) the traits she possesses that might (in one capacity or another) be applicable in a dangerous situation are as follows:

She is a physically fit woman approximately aged between 24 and her mid-30s. But nowhere close to being Olympic athlete levels of fitness. 

Excerpt from ‘The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: Spider-Man 2004’

In terms of conventional/stereotypical beauty standards she is generally considered to be stunningly attractive. She is 5’8” and weighs in at 120 lbs. Her outward appearance then could potentially be used to make her would-be assailants underestimate her or even be dazzled by her beauty as a distraction

Mary Jane is not blind to the harsher realities of life and has developed proficient street smarts. But it’s not like she knows where to find stool pigeons and how to go about shaking them down for information, nor the inner workings of the criminal underworld.

She is a skilled actress particular practiced at adopting the façade of a seemingly carefree and simple party girl

She is at worst rather experienced when it comes to flirtation. Arguably we could extrapolate this into her being decent at general seduction but that’s debatable

She has good at improvising

She is exceptionally skilled in social interactions

She has a pretty decent ability to read people’s personalities, but is not a fully trained psychologist or any similar field that’d make her an expert at reading people very quickly and taking advantage of them as a result

She has certain basic self-defence skills gleamed from classes most people can attend

She has had at exactly one basic training session with Captain America, where the focus was more upon mental discipline and focus. The session never implied he taught her any practical self-defence moves and the session was geared more to instructing Peter  not Mary Jane.

She has demonstrated/developed certain basic and unrefined (albeit often proficient) self-defence skill. These primarily consist of using melee weapons (typically objects not actually designed for such a purpose, like baseball bats) and to a lesser extent firearms, and to an even lesser extent hand-to-hand attacks. Mary Jane for instance has never been shown to practice using a handgun, although she does know how. She can slug someone in the jaw, but she’s never been shown to have trained how to do that, you see what I am getting at.

Technically speaking she possesses a pair of bracelets that are modified web-shooters, along with a set of regular web-shooters. 

The former have a limited amount of web-fluid and are designed to stall a target, with the aim being for Mary Jane to surprise her assailant and buy time to escape, not engage in an outright fight. She has been shown to rarely carry either of these on her person though and there is no implication she has them in Amazing Mary Jane #1. Additionally since she is on set it would be unlikely that she’d be allowed to wear them as they wouldn’t be part of her on outfit for the movie.

Along with most of New York she has possessed identical powers to Spider-Man (in addition to organic based web-shooters) for less than 24 hours, during which time she displayed a proficiency in using them (due to bad writing, literally no one struggled to adjust to the use of Spider-Man’s powers). She has never possessed these powers again since, and this includes in AMJ.

On a handful of occasions she has piloted various different advanced armoured suits designed by Tony Stark. These have chiefly included his rudimentary MKII armour and the Iron Spider armour originally designed for Peter’s use. 

In both she demonstrated proficient defence skills. It is not clear how easy the armours are to use so whether MJ’s proficiency was due to a natural skill or due to the armour’s design is debatable. Regardless there is no indication she regularly has access to this technology and certainly not in AMJ.

MJ possesses incredibly strong willpower and understands the need for self-sacrifice, demonstrating in her time a willingness to give something of her self for the good of others. This could be important in regards to protecting other people.

As you can see MJ’s skillset is impressive for a civilian.

But some instances (like the Stark armours she’s donned) make the depths of her skills unclear. The most advanced equipment she has access to are her web-shooters but she is shown to only use or even carry them on occasion. In both cases she is not shown to have access to either in AMJ. Her other skills are things anyone in real life could hypothetically possess and in fact several other civilians in the Marvel universe either do possess or could possess.

What I'm saying is Mary Jane is, by any metric, a civilian.

A civilian who knows how to use a gun, has had cause to defend her self dozens of times and is very good at thinking on her feet. But a civilian nevertheless.

She has the spirit to cut it as a superhero but not without powers, training or access to advanced equipment like Iron Man’s armour. None of which she currently possesses or has access to in AMJ.

When you get right down to it the reason we fans celebrate whenever Mary Jane triumphs or survives or even just pulls off some good moves against a criminal or super villain is because we understand she is ultimately the underdog.

We grasp that it’s innately more impressive for someone in the featherweight division to even hold their own for a little while against someone in the heavyweight division because normally they wouldn’t stand a chance and we are naturally inclined to be sympathetic towards them.**

This isn’t exclusive to Mary Jane by any means, underdog stories date back to the Bible itself with the classic tale of David and Goliath.

To use an example closer to home though, in ASM #229-230 Spider-Man had to stop the Juggernaut, a villain whose strength and durability had given him a reputation as unstoppable. He regularly tangled with the Hulk and was over all far beyond Spider-Man’s weight class. The story is widely regarded as one of the all time best in Spider-Man history, primarily because  it is such a shining example of an underdog story.

Such stories are fairly common in super hero comic books, but so too is the popularity of civilian supporting characters that contend with outright super villains and criminals.

Alfred Pennyworth is utterly beloved within the Batman fandom with his attempts and successes at dealing with Batman’s infamous rogues celebrated. The same goes for Edwin Jarvis, sometimes celebrated as the bravest of all the Avengers. Jarvis’ popularity is such he was in fact the main character of the milestone 400th issue of the Avengers. And to use a closer equivalent to MJ, Lois Lane’s moments of skill, toughness and bravery in the face of danger are celebrated within Superman circles.

NONE of these characters are super heroes. Even Alfred, who (in most modern incarnations) has some military history, is still a more elderly gentleman thereby accentuating his vulnerability and making his victories all the larger.

With that out of the way, we now have the appropriate context to start examining some instances of MJ defending herself.

* And what about Spider-Man himself? Has he not tangled with Chameleon often? Is it not usually impressive whenever he defeats him? Indeed it is…but rarely whenever Spider-Man physically  over powers him. 

Because we readers are very aware that Spider-Man is physically stronger and faster than the Chameleon and his other powers give him yet more physical advantage over him. 

In fact a poignant Chameleon storyline entailed Chameleon (in disguise) tricking Spider-Man into removing  his powers and thereby rendering him vulnerable.

Even then, the Chameleon opted to hire muscle (mainly muscle with super powers) to take on Spider-Man rather than fight him personally.

Chameleon’s awareness of Spidey’s superior might is arguably the reason he recruited physically powerful Kraven the Hunter in ASM v1 #15 (Kraven’s debut and Chammy’s second outing). 

Spidey’s victories over Chameleon are impressive or cathartic not because Peter overpowers him physically, but does so mentally. This is in fact showcased in the very same storyline that Mary Jane famously took a bat to Chammy’s cranium; specifically Spec #243.

In this story, Chameleon (in the guise of Doctor Kafka) uses drugs and makeup to trick Spider-Man into believing he is someone else. However, drawing upon his will power and affection for his loved ones Peter breaks free of Chameleon’s trap.

**And I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that a part of that for at least some fans is the fact that Mary Jane is a woman doing such things, and a female love interest to boot.

Stereotypically women aren’t superheroes or action heroes, and stereotypically love interests are the ones in need of saving, not the ones saving themselves or others.

For some fans this appreciation of stereotypes being subverted can come from a bad place. “Mary Jane just beat a super villain even though she’s a chick!”

For others the appreciation can be viewed as empowering. To perhaps reveal a stereotypical view of my own, I imagine female readers would constitute the majority of this category, although in theory anyone who feels like an underdog or perhaps vulnerable could resonant with MJ’s victories.

Finally there are definitely some readers who appreciate these examples because they are just plain refreshing.

And of course some people might just like Mary Jane in general so seeing her shine in some capacity could do it for them.

Previous Part

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Master Post

[saint-hildegard-of-bingen]

If you love our country, please read this article, and continue to work to save our democracy. And stay hopeful!

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The despair felt by climate scientists and environmentalists watching helplessly as something precious and irreplaceable is destroyed is sometimes described as “climate grief.” Those who pay close attention to the ecological calamity that civilization is inflicting upon itself frequently describe feelings of rage, anxiety and bottomless loss, all of which are amplified by the right’s willful denial. The young activist Greta Thunberg, Time magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year, has described falling into a deep depressionafter grasping the ramifications of climate change and the utter refusal of people in power to rise to the occasion: “If burning fossil fuels was so bad that it threatened our very existence, how could we just continue like before?”

Lately, I think I’m experiencing democracy grief. For anyone who was, like me, born after the civil rights movement finally made democracy in America real, liberal democracy has always been part of the climate, as easy to take for granted as clean air or the changing of the seasons. When I contemplate the sort of illiberal oligarchy that would await my children should Donald Trump win another term, the scale of the loss feels so vast that I can barely process it.

After Trump’s election, a number of historians and political scientists rushed out with books explaining, as one title put it, “How Democracies Die.” In the years since, it’s breathtaking how much is dead already. Though the president will almost certainly be impeached for extorting Ukraine to aid his re-election, he is equally certain to be acquitted in the Senate, a tacit confirmation that he is, indeed, above the law. His attorney general is a shameless partisan enforcer. Professional civil servants are purged, replaced by apparatchiks. The courts are filling up with young, hard-right ideologues. One recently confirmed judge, 40-year-old Steven Menashi, has written approvingly of ethnonationalism.

In “How Democracies Die,” Professors Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt of Harvard describe how, in failing democracies, “the referees of the democratic game were brought over to the government’s side, providing the incumbent with both a shield against constitutional challenges and a powerful — and ‘legal’ — weapon with which to assault its opponents.” This is happening before our eyes.

The entire Trump presidency has been marked, for many of us who are part of the plurality that despises it, by anxiety and anger. But lately I’ve noticed, and not just in myself, a demoralizing degree of fear, even depression. You can see it online, in the self-protective cynicism of liberals announcing on Twitter that Trump is going to win re-election. In The Washington Post, Michael Gerson, a former speechwriter for George W. Bush and a Never Trump conservative, described his spiritual struggle against feelings of political desperation: “Sustaining this type of distressed uncertainty for long periods, I can attest, is like putting arsenic in your saltshaker.”

I reached out to a number of therapists, who said they’re seeing this politically induced misery in their patients. Three years ago, said Karen Starr, a psychologist who practices in Manhattan and on Long Island, some of her patients were “in a state of alarm,” but that’s changed into “more of a chronic feeling that’s bordering on despair.” Among those most affected, she said, are the Holocaust survivors she sees. “It’s about this general feeling that the institutions that we rely on to protect us from a dangerous individual might fail,” she said.

Kimberly Grocher, a psychotherapist who works in both New York and South Florida, and whose clients are primarily women of color, told me that during her sessions, the political situation “is always in the room. It’s always in the room.” Trump, she said, has made bigotry more open and acceptable, something her patients feel in their daily lives. “When you’re dealing with people of color’s mental health, systemic racism is a big part of that,” she said.

In April 2017, I traveled to suburban Atlanta to cover the special election in the Sixth Congressional District. Meeting women there who had been shocked by Trump’s election into ceaseless political action made me optimistic for the first time that year. These women were ultimately the reason that the district, once represented by Newt Gingrich, is now represented by a Democrat, Lucy McBath. Recently, I got back in touch with a woman I’d met there, an army veteran and mother of three named Katie Landsman. She was in a dark place.

“It’s like watching someone you love die of a wasting disease,” she said, speaking of our country. “Each day, you still have that little hope no matter what happens, you’re always going to have that little hope that everything’s going to turn out O.K., but every day it seems like we get hit by something else.” Some mornings, she said, it’s hard to get out of bed. “It doesn’t feel like depression,” she said. “It really does feel more like grief.”

Obviously, this is hardly the first time that America has failed to live up to its ideals. But the ideals themselves used to be a nearly universal lodestar. The civil rights movement, and freedom movements that came after it, succeeded because the country could be shamed by the distance between its democratic promises and its reality. That is no longer true.

Democrats and anti-Trump Republicans are often incredulous seeing the party of Ronald Reagan allied with Vladimir Putin’s Russia, but the truth is, there’s no reason they should be in conflict. The enmity between America and Russia was ideological. First it was liberal democracy versus communism. Then it was liberal democracy versus authoritarian kleptocracy.

But Trump’s political movement is pro-authoritarian and pro-oligarch. It has no interest in preserving pluralism, free and fair elections or any version of the rule of law that applies to the powerful as well as the powerless. It’s contemptuous of the notion of America as a lofty idea rather than a blood-and-soil nation. Russia, which has long wanted to prove that liberal democracy is a hypocritical sham, is the natural friend of the Trumpist Republican Party, just as it’s an ally and benefactor of the far right Rassemblement National in France and the Lega Nord in Italy.

The nemeses of the Trumpist movement are liberals — in both the classical and American sense of the world — not America’s traditional geopolitical foes. This is something new in our lifetime. Despite right-wing persecution fantasies about Barack Obama, we’ve never before had a president who treats half the country like enemies, subjecting them to an unending barrage of dehumanization and hostile propaganda. Opponents in a liberal political system share at least some overlapping language. They have some shared values to orient debates. With those things gone, words lose their meaning and political exchange becomes impossible and irrelevant.

Thus we have a total breakdown in epistemological solidarity. In the impeachment committee hearings, Republicans insist with straight faces that Trump was deeply concerned about corruption in Ukraine. Republican senators like Ted Cruz of Texas, who is smart enough to know better, repeat Russian propaganda accusing Ukraine of interfering in the 2016 election. The Department of Justice’s inspector general’s report refutes years of Republican deep state conspiracy theories about an F.B.I. plot to subvert Trump’s campaign, and it makes no difference whatsoever to the promoters of those theories, who pronounce themselves totally vindicated.

To those who recognize the Trump administration’s official lies as such, the scale of dishonesty can be destabilizing. It’s a psychic tax on the population, who must parse an avalanche of untruths to understand current events. “What’s going on in the government is so extreme, that people who have no history of overwhelming psychological trauma still feel crazed by this,” said Stephanie Engel, a psychiatrist in Cambridge, Mass., who said Trump comes up “very frequently” in her sessions.

Like several therapists I spoke to, Engel said she’s had to rethink how she practices, because she has no clinical distance from the things that are terrifying her patients. “If we continue to present a facade — that we know how to manage this ourselves, and we’re not worried about our grandchildren, or we’re not worried about how we’re going to live our lives if he wins the next election — we’re not doing our patients a service,” she said.

This kind of political suffering is uncomfortable to write about, because liberal misery is the raison d’être of the MAGA movement. When Trumpists mock their enemies for being “triggered,” it’s just a quasi-adult version of the playground bully’s jeer: “What are you going to do, cry?” Anyone who has ever been bullied knows how important it is, at that moment, to choke back tears. In truth, there are few bigger snowflakes than the stars of MAGA world. The Trumpist pundit Dan Bongino is currently suing The Daily Beast for $15 million, saying it inflicted “emotional distress and trauma, insult, anguish,” for writing that NRATV, the National Rifle Association’s now defunct online media arm, had “dropped” him when the show he hosted ended. Still, a movement fueled by sadism will delight in admissions that it has caused pain.

But despair is worth discussing, because it’s something that organizers and Democratic candidates should be addressing head on. Left to fester, it can lead to apathy and withdrawal. Channeled properly, it can fuel an uprising. I was relieved to hear that despite her sometimes overwhelming sense of civic sadness, Landsman’s activism hasn’t let up. She’s been spending a bit less than 20 hours a week on political organizing, and expects to go back to 40 or more after the holidays. “The only other option is to quit and accept it, and I’m not ready to go there yet,” she said. Democracy grief isn’t like regular grief. Acceptance isn’t how you move on from it. Acceptance is itself a kind of death.

[seasonofthegeek]

Here comes a personal post because this week has been a doozy and I want to get some words out. Also please don’t reblog this post. This is just for me to get some thoughts down and there’s no reason to spread it. Thanks. :)

Back in May, I began having passive suicidal thoughts and knew I needed to get some help. I didn’t want to actively hurt myself, but I thought it might be better for everyone in my life if something happened to me and I died. After a visit to the doctor, I started an antidepressant that worked for me and I got back to a mental level I was more comfortable with. A few months later, something happened to someone I love dearly and it showed me that I was just teetering on the edge, even with the meds, so I sought out a therapist to have someone outside of my life to talk to.

It’s been a great experience and my therapist is easy to talk to but also good at keeping me accountable in the tasks I’ve set for myself, while also reminding me that it’s okay to fail. She listens and offers advice when it’s warranted and some sessions I’ve just walked in and word vomited for an hour and that’s been fine. A few sessions ago, she suggested I start seeing a psychiatrist to get to the root of some of my issues. She was wondering if I had bipolar disorder (my brother was diagnosed with it ) and put the ball in my court to contact someone if it was something I wanted to explore further.

I was an anxious mess but called one of the psychiatrists my therapist recommended and set up an appointment. That appointment finally came up this past Tuesday and after battling an angry child not wanting to go to school, no time for breakfast, construction traffic, and school traffic, I finally made it to my appointment twenty minutes late (I called on the way, of course). 

I was a wreck and almost didn’t get out of my car when I pulled into the parking lot, but I forced myself out into the cold and then into an unknown office. After a few minutes, I was taken back to meet my psychiatrist and he was one of those people who can immediately put others at ease. He recognized the My Hero characters on my hoodie and told me his daughter loved the show. He smiled and made small talk.

And then he read aloud the notes my therapist had sent him with my consent.

I’m going to be honest, it was ROUGH hearing everything I’ve been dealing with read by someone I just met in the span of a few minutes. He went through it simply, not commenting, just relaying information. I took a big breath when he finished and told him it was hard to hear it all at once. And he smiled and suggested we just start from the beginning.

And that’s how the rest of the appointment was. He was pleasant and kept things simple and asked questions that led me down different paths of conversation. He told me that I would be diagnosing myself with his help and that I had all the power.

It was refreshing.

My therapist is great and she has helped me with a lot of issues, but she can mainly just offer advice on how to deal with things.

My psychiatrist led me to understand why I deal with the issues I have and where they stem from. It was something I’d never given much thought to honestly. I’ve had bad things happen to me, I think everyone has in different degrees, but I didn’t think any of them really shaped the person I am. I was wrong.

After discussing things, we both decided that I’m not bipolar because it didn’t fit for me. I do have depression and anxiety though and they were manifesting in ways that can mimic some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I have a feeling I’m always going to remember how he explained my level of anxiety too.

Dr. S: If I said to you, Kayla, do you think most people deal with this level of anxiety in their day to day lives? Would you say “no” or would you say “duh”?

Me, thinking my high level of anxiety is completely ordinary, laughed: I’d say duh.

Dr. S with his nice smile: Ah, see, that’s not the case.

Me: ...oh. Ohhhhhhh.

It was a bit of a revelation to find out this brain stuff I deal with constantly isn’t the norm for everyone else. I didn’t realize most people don’t think when they tell their family goodbye in the morning that it might be the last time they see them because something horrible is going to happen or that their house is going to catch on fire when they go on vacation. I didn’t know most other people didn’t check for their keys three to four times before locking their cars in the fear of locking themselves out. It didn’t occur to me that a lot of people don’t think their friends hate them just because they haven’t spoken in a few hours/days/weeks. 

It was almost a relief to find out and at the same time there was morbid fascination in realizing how off my thinking is because of the anxiety. 

He helped me trace it all the way back to being a child and what caused it and how the depression came into play because the anxiety was fear and fear made me feel helpless and that made me angry. I used to have angry outbursts and temper tantrums out of the blue up to adulthood. I learned to monitor myself better and get things out before they blew up as I got older, but with Dr. S’s help, I could go back and see where it had started and that I’ve carried it my whole life. 

I’ll probably always carry it, but now I know and now I can start working on it.

So that’s what happened with me and my brain stuff which is more than enough for one week, but my son’s brain stuff came into play on Friday.

My son is, goodness, he’s just amazing. He’s my world. He’s funny and goofy and creative and a butthead and moody and loving and better than I could’ve ever imagined. For the past couple of years, it’s become more and more obvious that he wasn’t quite like other kids his age. He was developing slower and didn’t start really speaking until he started doing speech therapy.  Even after a little over a year, a lot of his speech still comes from mimicking. 

He started school this year and I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was called back in on the first day after he’d been there for two hours. He’d had a meltdown in the cafeteria because it was too loud and his speech therapist (who thankfully was the same person he’d been working with the previous year as a private student) picked him up from his class and took him to her room as a safe space for him to calm down. He adores her and was able to soothe himself as soon as he was in that familiar setting. I went to a meeting on the first day of school to find that my son was not going to be able to make it through the whole school day, but the school wanted to work with him so he’d still be able to attend. We cut his days down to two and a half hours and went from there.

A month or so after that, a meeting was set up with the district psychologist who wanted permission to observe him and see what further help might be needed. She suggested letting an occupational therapist and physical therapist observe and test him too and I consented to all it. He was having issues connecting to the other kids in his class and he couldn’t seem to follow the schedule. The teacher worked with him the best she could, giving him a visual task calendar he could follow and use to point to and other similar things, but she also has seventeen other students. I knew more help was needed.

So for the past couple of months, he’s been going to his general education class and his speech therapy while also being observed by a psychologist on some days. He did a couple of sessions of testing with an occupational therapist and a physical therapist (who cleared him with a laugh that he is definitely strong and super fast). It was all coming down to the meeting we had on Friday.

Seven women sat around the table and showed me how each of them wanted to help my son. I’m tearing up just thinking back on it, to be honest. The psychologist broke everything down for me and made sure I could see every step of the process they’d all gone through while watching my son. At the beginning of the year, he’d started with paperwork stating that he was receiving help with speech and language but that was being moved to a secondary position because he was now being categorized as mild to moderate on the autism spectrum.

I’d had a feeling about autism. I’d wondered about it from time to time. He fit some of the indicators. Like with finding out about myself, it was a bit of a relief. There’s something about knowing that is just so helpful because then you can ask, “Okay, what are the next steps we need to take?” 

They suggested moving him into the special education class. It’s half the size of the class he is currently in, he’s already familiar with the teacher, his speech therapist works in that class a lot, and he knows two of the students from his group speech sessions. 

LIfe is kinda funny how it works out sometimes. My mom has worked with special ed kids most of my life. I went into her classroom all through high school and got to know the students in there. We’ve discussed the past year or so that my son might need that kind of help, even if it is only for a little while. So when this group of teachers and therapists and the psychologist recommended moving him, I felt comfortable agreeing. I know from the other side of things that it is not something done lightly or suggested easily. 

The psychologist even said it might be something he only needs for a year or two and if they can get him coming to school for longer periods of time, they want to get him back into the general class he was in for short periods. I know they’re looking out for him. They’ve already done so much to accommodate him and I can see they truly care for his development. I feel really lucky that he is going to the school he’s at.

I’m relieved and I’m worried. He’ll start his new class on Monday and I know it’s going to be a tough transition, but I hope it’s for the best. He’s such a smart kid and he’s got a great imagination and I know he’s got a lot going on in that lil noggin. I just want to do the best I can for him.

So I’m watching out for him and I’m trying to take care of me for me and for him (and for my husband and my best friend and my parents). It’s been a lot to learn in the span of a few days but I feel hopeful for the future. <3

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Some Things are Not Dialectic

So much has happened to me since I last wrote on this blog. To sum it up in a nutshell: I changed therapists (something I have been meaning to do for a while now), I was hospitalised yet again for just a little over a week this time, voluntarily, for recurrent suicidal thoughts, where I was tentatively diagnosed (yet again) with BPD, and the new therapist I started seeing after coming out of the hospital diagnosed me with Asperger’s. I also started a DBT program, which I am now six weeks into. Previous therapists, if you have read any of my other posts, have diagnosed me with Bipolar I, but after only two sessions with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and in the wake of him talking, at length, with my husband about my history, I was informed that I probably have Bipolar II and BPD. My regular psychiatrist disagrees with this and stated that it is probably complex trauma (or C-PTSD) and Bipolar I. I am inclined to trust the diagnosis of the latter more, as I have been seeing her for two years now. And now I also have an Asperger’s diagnosis from my new psychologist. What a mess. After all these upheavals, I feel emotionally at sea.

I also decided to swap medications at the hospital (the Seroquel was not helping my insomnia and was making me gain a bit of weight) and finally gave Lithium, the supposed “gold standard” of Bipolar medication, a chance. And it made me terribly ill. I was so nauseous all the time that after 4 weeks of struggling along, I had to give it up. I even broke out in a rash, but no professionals, not even my GP, wanted to listen to my misgivings, so I just informed them all that I was coming off it. My psychiatrist respected my decision, but wants to put me on something else. I am reluctant, because I have tried all sorts of medication for extended periods of time, and there are always negative side-effects, or they don’t do what is intended. I was told in the hospital by the psychiatrist that Lithium would be ideal for someone like me who has ambitions, wants a career, and doesn’t want to sleep for 20 hours a day, so when I experienced intolerance, I felt so disappointed. I even spent some time blaming myself. I have found my overall experience with taking medications really draining and time-consuming. I feel as if I am trying, and even doing everything I should, but it’s just not paying off. One method that I have tried in the past on my hospital visit before this one was ECT, and I did find that somewhat effective, but the results were not long-lasting enough. And, after reading about the experiences of those who get regular sessions of ECT, I worry about the possible effects it would have on my long-term memory if I was to go down that route. If there were any negative side-effects within this vein, it would be incompatible with the way in which I want to live my life, including my career goals.

While I was in the hospital, I was referred to a centre that specialised in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have read about DBT previously, and wanted to try it out when I received a previous diagnosis of Borderline “tendencies” in Norway, however, as I lived in a small town, there were no DBT groups available nearby, and so my therapist gave me a booklet to read up on it on my own. I had also previously stumbled upon the therapist that founded DBT (Marsha Linehan) when I was studying my Bachelor of Psychology. She later admitted that she actually had been diagnosed with BPD herself, and so DBT was a hodge-podge of different therapies and western and eastern practices that had worked for her. I thought the refterral would take longer to process than it did, but it was processed more-or-less straight away after I came out of hospital. I attended the three commitment meetings and was successfully offered a place, and, after all that I had heard and read, was excited to begin. But six weeks in, I feel let down. 

Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I think there is a lot of good methods to help tackle negative feelings that DBT offers, but a lot of the skills surrounding self-care are competencies I already possess (and so nothing new). There are also some aspects of DBT that are just not really relevant to me specifically, but that’s alright. If I look at it as more tools I can fill my emotional toolbox with, not everything is going to fit. I enjoy and aim for self-improvement, and this is what attracted me to DBT in the first place. On the other hand, I am an analytical person who enjoys testing concepts and seeing if there are any potential flaws in what I am learning, and the method of delivery of the current program I am in doesn’t seem to leave room or space for that. I am finding aspects of DBT condescending, basic, and invalidating. I don’t feel that my prior knowledge or skills are being acknowledged as strengths I am bringing to the table that I can build upon. It is almost as I, along with the rest of the group, am being treated as if I am clueless, and that the therapists and coaches involved in the DBT group sessions are the autocratic, absolute experts on everything we should be doing and what we are doing “wrong,” something that I feel is quite harsh given that most who suffer from BPD also have C-PTSD, or, conversely, that those with C-PTSD can often be misdiagnosed with BPD. After researching some more, I have found that I am not alone in these misgivings. 

I decided to share some of my criticisms just this morning with my individual coach. We met at a cafe near where I live, after I dropped the kids off at school. Towards the end of the session, she asked me directly if I ever felt she had invalidated me in our individual sessions. I decided to be honest and tell her that I had felt that. I have only just started acknowledging past trauma, some of which occurred years ago, to both myself and my therapists. It’s mostly because I feel that it is time to do so, because the thoughts and feelings were coming up more and more regularly, intrusively and involuntarily, to the point where I feel like I can’t ignore them anymore. Three weeks ago, I disclosed to my coach in an individual session about the trauma and sexual abuse I had experienced via school bullying. I told her that she had laughed briefly after I had told her about a boy who had pinched my bottom in front of the whole grade on a dare when I was was 13, and said I didn’t blame her, maybe she laughed out of surprise, but when I also told her that she had, in the same conversation, told me not to worry about “stupid school” (her exact words), she denied having said that to me at all, and got quite defensive. 

She even said that perhaps I had just “experienced it that way,” and just refused to acknowledge that she had said that at all. I felt so gaslighted,so triggered (my mother tried to gaslight me all the time) and am now unsure whether I will continue with DBT. I left really shaken up, which was tough as I had had a really rough week and had actually woken up in a good mood, and had to then work really hard to turn my thoughts back around again. Upon reflection, I think the coaches are badly trained and unprofessional. This might be what is making the delivery sub-par. Maybe it’s just yet another case of “you get what you pay for.” Now, the question is, do I continue, and just try to focus on implementing the skills, instead of worrying about my obvious personality clash with the therapists and coaches involved? Sigh.

Now, to address the Asperger’s diagnosis: I actually feel it is a good fit. She got in an expert who took me through the diagnostic criteria before giving me the diagnosis, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated. I have been doing a lot of reading since receiving my diagnosis, and have found a number of interesting facts about females with Asperger’s, such as they are more likely to be overlooked for diagnosis compared to that of boys, as they do not present with the same symptoms, and are often misdiagnosed with (interestingly) Bipolar, BPD, or even OCD, because it was (until recently) considered a diagnosis exclusively reserved for boys. They are overlooked because they tend to be great social mimics (as females generally are more socialised than men), which masks the symptoms and difficulties females with ASD face. I believe that one of the reasons for my life-long fascination with human behaviour (to the point that I decided to study it), is due to my desire to fit in, when I have always felt different. I have, as my husband has also observed, a number of special interests that I enjoy talking about at length in social settings, and often fail to pick up on the social cues of boredom in the individuals I am talking to. But, that’s alright. It is part of the diagnosis. I am working on it. I might not ever get there, but that is alright too. In my research on the subject, I found a delightful blog from Tania Marshall, as well as her book, entitled “I am Aspien Woman,” which discusses the unique struggles of females with Asperger’s. The blurb to the book states: “Have you ever wondered about a friend, a partner, a mother, sister or daughter? Wondered why she says she feels 'different'? Out of step with her peers, she may struggle keeping friends and a job, yet she has multiple degrees. Bright from early on, she may have singleminded focus, sprinkles of anxiety, sensory and social issues, be gifted in art, writing, science, research or singing. Maybe she is a woman on the Autism spectrum, with a unique constellation of super-abilities, strengths and challenges?” I relate to all of this. I was a precocious reader with an eidetic memory from an early age. I have multiple degrees, and am creative, but struggle in social situations. It’s who I am, and I accept it. When I told my GP, who also closely follows my mental health progress, that my current psychologist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s, she dismissively stated that “everybody is different - we are all on the spectrum” - to which I have to say - what a load of crap. There is different, and there is different. I have always been a person that marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes to my detriment. But it’s just how I am.

So, what if I don’t have BPD, or Bipolar, but rather “just” Asperger’s? I am high-functioning, so I can understand that it took a long time to identify it, but, on the other hand, it feels as if going through all of the struggles I have been through could have been prevented if only I had had a therapist that was skilled enough to really listen to me, to pick up the signs, and to validate me. I am hoping I have that now with my current psychologist, and am looking forward to working together with her toward a brighter future where I can accept myself and also work on my issues in a safe space.

After years of not sharing my thoughts or being as assertive as I want to be, I have found that recently I have been coming out of my shell in this respect, and those around me aren’t liking it. Apart from the example above, on the day I was leaving the hospital, there were a series of delays concerning my release, that, when they all added up, frustrated me so much, I had to say something. I sometimes think that those in the so-called “caring” professions abuse their power. Whether it’s bad training, an authoritative personality, or other traits that are, in my opinion, not suited to these professions that are the cause, it is a dilemma which is vital to address. Of course, #notalltherapists. But, in my long-standing experience with mental health services, and as a psychology graduate myself, it is enough to cause concern. Too often, patients are discounted because of what’s wrong with them, dismissed because the health professional believes themselves to know better, or put into the “too hard” basket for so-called “difficult” behaviour. But what needs to be acknowledged is that the person that is standing in front of them is there because they are seeking help, and should be looked at as an individual, and not necessarily by the box the therapist wants to fit them into. More duty of care, more empathy, and more acknowledgement, is needed.

[lost-eternity]

@dreaming-about-starfleet

Do you like Marvel? I wrote this thing a while back so this is a repost but I was kinda hoping you would offer feedback writer to writer?

Control -Loki x Reader- ONESHOT

This is a Loki x Reader one-shot where the reader is a psychologist.

~

TW: self-harm, and certain mental illnesses. 

SONG FIC: Control by Halsey

His eyes are blue. 

     Touched by ethereal storm clouds, as cold as a tumultuous sea. Eyes that sing of empty promises and pretty lies, an infamously alluring gaze that drags you fathoms below their icy depths. Eyes that leave you to drown there, writhing in your misplaced trust. You had never seen any emotion in them other than contempt. But at that time, they had burned with the passion of a roaring flame. Uncontrolled in their path of desecration, consuming all they touch in the twin flames of hate. 

     His eyes still haunted you, plaguing your dreams like a wretched banshee caterwauling into the night; calling out for your demise. And yes, they would be your demise. It didn’t take much intellect to figure that out. Despite all of the flashing signs, the warnings- you couldn’t help but feel drawn in. The fog behind that cerulean gaze concealed a mystery of a man with motives and morals all to his own. A man that equal parts thrills and scares you, and ultimately beckons you deeper into his sea. Honey-filled words coat your instincts, cajoling you further into a diminished stupor. It is a sour lesson to swallow but invaluable nonetheless; sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth. 

        “Doctor!” Stark’s gravely tone shook you from your apparent languor and silenced your mental musings. Lifting your chin up, you found yourself once again revisiting your surroundings. You were positioned at a metal table, spread before you were the remnants of the sandwich you had been eating for lunch. Although it appeared you were the last one to finish. With the exception of Tony Stark, the rest of the cafeteria was devoid of S.H.I.E.L.D agents. Stark loomed above you, wearing an incredulous expression upon his insufferably smug brow. 

“Tin-man.” You greeted him with a flat tone, gazing down at your rather unappealing sandwich. “Have you finally found your heart?”

“Ha-ha,” Tony remarked callously in response to your pun, his tone dripping with sarcasm. “Fury wants to see you, Doc.” 

You bowed your head, staring impassively at your hands. “I’ve told you. Just call me Y/n.”

A smirk tugged the edges of Tony’s mouth upwards. “But you’re a doctor.” Although his tone conveyed reminiscence, you knew it was just a guise for the triumph. 

“Of psychology,“ you scoffed, now unable to hide your amusement. “We both know I am not a real doctor.” 

Tony only chuckled at your disdained tone. With a grandiose swooping gesture of his hands, Stark dipped his head in mockery. “As you say, Y/n.”

        You resisted the urge to roll your eyes as you rose to your feet. Your sandwich remained neglected upon the cold metal table whilst you brushed out your immaculate white lab coat. While it was true you didn’t consider yourself a real doctor, you spent a good chunk of your time in the lab with Bruce. Of course, the man’s got a stick up his ass, as Tony likes to say, and only seems to care about safety precautions and lab etiquette. Hence the lab coat. You ducked past Tony, smirking to yourself. You knew that Bruce would blow his top if he found out that you had been eating food in his spare lab coat. 

Pausing mid-stride, you twisted your head around to appraise Stark. He was lingering behind, leaning smugly against the table, his head tilted to one side. 

“You coming?” You cooed, folding your arms over your chest.

“To talk to Fury? Nu-huh. The man sounded pissed enough as is.” 

That dulled the playful mirth in your gaze. “Pissed?” You echoed then sighed for what felt like the thousandth time that day. “Good to know.” Swinging around, you scrambled at a brisk pace down the hall. Nicholas Fury was a terrifying man with a sharp stare and equally sharp tongue. You did not want to contribute to his current moodlet by being tardy.

        As you hurried down the hallway you found yourself plunging deeper into your own thoughts, caught up in a tidal wave of passing fancies. You had learnt to embrace the wind of your mind, like a brief gust before returning to a calm sea. 

        Your ideas drifted back to the conversation you just had with Tony. You recounted his posture, the way he tensely held his shoulders, forcing them upright. How he inclined his head towards you, but still unable to meet your eye. You knew that something was on his mind, and you were tempted to inquire about it once Fury dismissed you… and after you have spoken with him.

Stark liked to fancy himself an anomaly. He would strut around wearing a dazzling smile and an aloof attitude. He used his biting wit and sarcastic remarks as a mask of which to hide behind. All his life he had been treated coldly, expected to depend on only himself and to discount others. This had lead to a vicious cycle of self-dependent cynicism. You recognised this tendency the moment you first met him all those months ago. You had tried to break it, you introduced him to cognitive therapy, to journaling, painting and other methods of self-expression. However, the man had proven himself to be quite stubborn and dismissed you. He rejected your outstretched hand in favour of a bottle of scotch whilst proclaiming: "I’m hungry. Where’s the scotch?”

        You knew that Stark’s alcohol dependency was a coping mechanism for some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You hadn’t been around long enough to figure out what stemmed this, but you figured that it was a culmination of many different elements. The others weren’t of much help and you eventually learnt not to ask questions. Instead, you could only be a bystander to Tony’s self-destructive habits as he continuously searched for the solution to his problems at the bottom of an empty glass. You knew that you couldn’t help him. Not unless he wanted to be helped. And as mentioned earlier, Tony only helps himself. 

        You pulled yourself from your thoughts as you arrived at an unmarked door. Gathering your sense of courage you reached out, placing your fingertips upon the metallic surface of a recently polished door handle. You must have been shuffling your feet because the contact sent an electric charge crackling through your fingertips and raising the hair along your arm. Taking in a final breath, you flicked your wrist and the door swung open.

        The room itself was sparsely decorated. Beams of light interrupted by the blinds along the windows poured into the otherwise darkened chamber. They illuminated swirls of dust, twisting together in some erratic and tumultuous dance.  All furniture had been pushed off towards the sides, opening a central area where the man himself stood. Nick Fury, looking as intimidating as ever. Fortunately, his back was to you, and his glowering stare directed towards one of the windows. You weren’t certain, but you could have sworn that he was idly following the path of one of the floating dust particles as it drifted across the room. Clearing your throat, you announced your presence. A heavy silence fell between the two of you. 

        You were the first to break. “Are you trying to intimidate me?”

There was another pause, causing an empty feeling to open up in the pit of your stomach. It brought you back to your grade school years, trepidatiously lingering in the principal's office and fidgeting under his cold stare.  Had you said something wrong? Were you in trouble? Fury’s shoulder spasmed slightly, it took you a few seconds to realise that he was laughing. “Is it working?” He asked.

“Uh. Yes.” You admitted, making your way over to one of the disregarded chairs. You straddled the chair, leaning your chest and arms against the backboard. “I suppose that is why you’re standing in a semi-empty room with the lights turned off.” A nervous chuckle slipped past your lips. “You, uh, wanted to see me, er, sir?” 

“I did.” Fury, at last, turned around to face you. Shadows clustered along his jaw and nose as the byproduct of the backlighting from the closed windows. 

        You leaned slightly back in your chair. You would not ever be able to quite get used to the threatening eye patch he wore to cover his lost eye. He never talked about how he lost it, and you never were foolish enough to ask. It was probably a traumatising tale, and you knew better than to dig up long-buried memories (if only you knew the truth about the cat named Goose). 

“You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with him, Miss Y/n. Why don’t you tell me how that is going for you.” With a dramatised grunt, Fury sat down across from you.

“Uh. What do you mean, sir?” You blinked, quickly withdrawing. Your boisterousness from earlier dropped in the presence of your superiors. You enjoyed your job as the therapist for the Avengers, you weren’t about to lose it. 

A contemplative sigh fell from Fury’s lips. “Loki. You keep informing me that you are progressing with our… special guest, and yet I see no evidence as such.”

        A look of bewilderment clouded your face. You stitched your eyebrows together, curling your hands into a fist by your sides. Loki, the Asgardian self-proclaimed god was quite an aberration. Perhaps it was because you were attempting to define an alien’s psychology in human terms. Or because his mind functioned differently than a human’s. Regardless of the reason, it simply wasn’t working. You had everyone else on the team figured out, even Director Fury himself. But Loki? The man posed a mystery. A convoluted figure who wrapped himself in shrouds, hiding his motives behind complex word puzzles and mind games. It called to you, drawing you in, challenging you. Taunting you. 

        Over the past few months, you have had many sessions with him, each one bringing you closer to cracking him. Each breakthrough sent a wave of euphoria coursing through your veins, and you began to truly understand him. This god… this eternal being. You understood him in a way no one else did. And he understood you. You could see it in his eyes, the way he ever so slightly perks up when you entered the room. How loosely he speaks with you now. He doesn’t speak with anyone else that way. Just you.

Only you. 

“I am so close, sir.” You reported, schooling your features into an expression of apathy despite the stirrings you felt in your heart. “I just need more time.”

“Time? We’ve given you plenty of time.” Fury remarked, stiffly crossing his arms. “Now we need results. Elsewise we might have to terminate your little experiment.” 

You couldn’t help the emotion rising to your voice. “No! I can help him. I swear. I can change him. He is salvageable. He is just… wounded.”

“You can’t save every wounded creature you find on the roadside, Miss Y/n.” The Director consoled her despite the graveness of his tone. “To even try would be an exhaust on our resources and personnel.” 

“I can save this one.” You stated firmly, your tone unwavering. “I am not going to give up on him.” 

Director Fury met your unfaltering gaze, scrutinising it for any possible hint of doubt. He finally sighed in resignation, shoulders slouching slightly. “Very well. You get one more session. And if you don’t have any intel for us by then, we are pulling the plug.”

“Yes, sir.” You crumbled forward, relief resting heavily on your back. “Thank you, sir.”

“It’s best to be off now. You’re on the clock.”  Fury drawled in a taunting tone.

Quickly springing to your feet, you inclined your head towards Fury in a brief nod before scrambling off down the hall.

        Loki’s holding cell was deep under the facility. It boasted an impressive array of mechanisms to ensure his complacency and idleness. The original design was intended for the Hulk in case he ever lost control within the walls of S.H.I.E.L.D. Loki had taken up residence shortly prior to its construction and was moved there on orders from Agent Coulson. After a few failed escape attempts, Loki seemed uncharacteristically docile. This was when Fury had ordered you to begin sessions with the Asgardian due to your background in psychology. Fury wanted to know anything that could be used against him, but you, instead, wanted to try and save him from his inner demons. 

        From the first moment you laid eyes on him, you recognised his tortured soul. From the information Thor had provided you, you sympathised with the god of mischief. Kings have a tendency to cast a long shadow, plunging anyone underneath them into unrecognised darkness. And Loki didn’t want to be complacent in life only to die forgotten. A sentiment to which you deeply relate. 

        Pressing your identification card up against the smooth surface of the scanner you watched as the heavy-set doors slid open before you. You stepped into a large rectangular room. In its centre stood a large glass tube, reinforced with some science whoo-haa you did not quite understand. 

        He sat on the floor, his hair immaculately slicked back as always. Obsidian curls covered his shoulder, outlining his sculpted face like an experienced artist’s masterful brushstrokes. Those piercing cerulean eyes passively gazing towards you, his expression unreadable. 

Your raven-haired prince.

“You’re unusually quiet.” You remarked as you stepped towards his enclosure. You took a seat in the padded armchair left for your comfort, crossing your legs neatly. 

“What do you want me to say?” Came the croaked response after a moment of hesitation. “You sit there, gawking at me from outside my cage. Like I am a zoo animal here for your entertainment. I am a god. You should be my monkey.” 

His sharp tone caught you by surprise. You redirected your attention towards him, lifting your chin slightly. “Is that really what you think?”

“You don’t deny it.” This time, he did not miss a single beat. 

“Ah.” A ghost of a smile appeared on your face. “I see now.”

Loki’s carefully crafted smirk faltered, his brows knitting together in a perplexed expression.

"You want me to be your "monkey". Your pet. Something you can keep on a leash. A creature whose life and decisions you have complete control over. Is that right?" A satisfied smirk curled your lip.

Loki gave no response.

“This is about control.” You continued matter-of-factly. “That is what your domineering display on Earth was. A last-ditch effort for control.”

The smirk died on his lips. He turned his head away and scoffed. “Like you can understand me.”

“You really are quite simple, though.” You couldn’t resist the urge to speak in a haughty tone as you picked yourself up from the couch. “Ooh, yes. I definitely have it now. All your life you have been cast to the side lines. The people around you making your decisions for you. What you should eat, where you should sleep, who you should communicate with. As such are the duties of a prince. But in the end… you don’t even get to control who ascends to the throne. It is Thor. It was always Thor. You were just a ploy, a desperate grab for peace in a time of war. So they disregarded you. They sent you away to find them a fortune. Because in the end, you were just a pawn in their games.” 

“Shut up.” Loki’s lips curled back in a menacing sneer. “You don’t know anything!”

“Aggression is a method of deflection.” You remarked as you slowly paced your way around the glass. His eyes followed your movement, poised like a cat waiting to strike. You continued, undismayed. “That’s why you came here, huh? You needed an outlet. Someone to exercise complete control over. And it felt good, didn’t it? Gaining the one thing that you have been deprived of all these years. But then it was all taken from you. And now you’re here, helpless and without any control. And it’s driving you mad. Tell me, Loki, who is in control?”

No response.

Provoked, you asked again, your voice louder this time. “Who is in control?”

“I said, shut up!” Loki barked, the entire room within the glass confines flickered momentarily. 

You took a step back. It was subtle, and if you were dealing with anyone else, you would have thought that it was a trick of the light. But this was Loki. Narrowing your eyes, you whirled around to face the deadpan god. “What did you do?”

If he realised he had been caught, he showed no sign of it. “How do you mean?” That self-assured smirk gradually worked his way back onto his face.

“Remove the illusion, Loki.” You breathed, pressing a palm against the glass.

“Are you sure of that request?” Loki drawled.

Your steely glare was the only answer he needed. Sighing, Loki lowered his gaze. His form flickered a few times before vanishing altogether and what you saw in his place caused you to draw in a shuddering breath.

        The food you had provided him that morning had been cast aside. The silver tray turned over and smears of blood mixed with cereal stained the glass walls. Loki himself appeared even worse. His pristine complexion was marred by a busted lip, crimson liquid split out of large gashes in his knuckles. His parts of his hair, caked with blood and mats he been ripped from his very scalp and lay forgotten across the stained tile floor. Loki, observing your shocked expression laughed dryly. “And now you see me.” He croaked hoarsely.

“What did you do to yourself?” Your question was spoken in a tone hardly above a whisper, causing your stomach to clench at the sight. 

You were left unanswered as Loki slid his gaze away, focusing it on his arm where a bead of blood trickled across his skin.

“You’re… hurting yourself.” You frowned as you gently placed your fingers against the glass. 

“Because of you,” Loki answered gruffly, still not returning your stare.

“Why?” You breathed, furrowing your brows together. 

“I hate you.” He nearly spat out the words, his shoulders heaving in the strain. “I hate your stupid face, I hate the way you dissect me like some rat. I hate your eyes. And I hate that I can’t get you out of my damn head! Why do you have to follow me in my dreams? Why can’t you just leave me alone?!” 

There was a heavy blanket of silence that settled between the two of you. A pressing and suffocating silence that muffled your thoughts. You felt speechless, the pressure of the tension felt nearly asphyxiating and sent your mind reeling. You were jostled from your stupor when you noticed the blood running from his wrists, delicate skin broken under the white-knuckle grip of his nails.

“Stop that.” You demanded in a hushed tone.

He didn’t reply.

“I said, stop it!” You snapped and quickly slammed your keycard against the side of the containment cell. The doors slid open and you rushed inside. You slammed Loki up against the wall and slid your slender fingers underneath his bloody ones. 

Panting heavily the two of you stared at each other, you with fear and him with contempt. Slowly, you came to realise his proximity and leaned back, turning away.

“Why… would you do that?” Loki rasped, his eyes narrowed.

“Because. You need help.” You replied, negating the waver in your tone as you gained enough courage to look back at him.

“What do you even care?” Loki retorted. “I’m a monster.” 

“I should be scared of you.” You phrased the statement more as a question, despite your situation, you couldn’t find it within you to be fearful.

Loki slowly looked up, his breath ghosting over your face as you two peered at each other. “Yes.” He replied shakily.

You leaned closer, your lips grazing against his. “Really?” You whispered softly.

        What ensued was a moment of indescribable elation. His lips met yours, they molded softly against you. His free hand trailed up your leg, snaking around your waist and tugging you against his chest. You could feel his heartbeat against your clavicle, a steady and slow rhythm that greatly juxtaposed your own racing heart.

How could he be so calm? 

        You didn’t have much time to ponder this when a sudden weight sent you flying off him and slamming into the glass wall behind you. Red hot pain spiked through your spine, causing your limbs and other extremities to prickle with the feeling of needles. It wasn’t long before Loki was on top of you, pinning you callously against the glass.

“Y-you’re hurting me.” You stammered as you squirmed, your arms feebly tapping against his back.

“Good.” Loki snarled, his breath ghosting over your ear. In a haze of golden light, the illusion melted away from Loki’s previously haggard form. Your heart caught in your throat as the bloodstains dissipated from the walls and Loki revealed his usual composed, pristine appearance.

You finally spoke, visible confusion painted across your face. “L-Loki?”

        The prince regarded you coldly, reaching into your pocket, he retrieved your keycard. The realisation dawned on you slightly too late. You opened your mouth, but the cry died in your throat as he clamped his hand over your mouth. Then he brought his lips against your ear. “You’re goddamn right, you should be scared of me.” Spinning on his heels, Loki stalked towards the exit. 

Making one last attempt to salvage the situation, you made a sprint towards Loki. 

        With one fluid movement, the Asgardian swiped your keycard against the control panel and the doors swung shut before you, trapping you inside the high-security chamber. 

“Hey!” You cried out, tears pricking the edges of your vision. You slammed your fist against the transparent casing. You battered against it over and over again until your knuckles blackened and each strike sent a bolt of pain jolting up your arm. 

        Still screaming his name, you watched Loki stroll towards the chamber exit, twirling your keycard along with his fingertips playfully. If he heard your shrieks, he paid no heed and merrily continued on his path. He paused by the elevator doors, punching in his desired floor number. With a tilt of his head, he slowly began to turn around, those blue eyes once again fixating onto you. A twisted smirk distorted his handsome features.

        You watched in horror as Loki’s form rippled. Without once breaking eye-contact he assumed your form. You found yourself glaring back at the man who stole your face, who was wearing your skin and flashing your smile. In a voice eerily similar to your own, Loki spoke one final time.

        “Who is in control?”

‘Dii-iing!’